#AND IM SEEING FAMILY LATER TODAY
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realising you’re getting better with people touching you after the incidents >>>>>
#I COULD HUG MY FRIEND YESTERDAY :333#AND IM SEEING FAMILY LATER TODAY#I BET I COULD HUG THEM TOO-#This sounds so pathetic lmao
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#rgg#ryu ga gotoku#yakuza series#ryu ga gotoku 7#yakuza like a dragon#yakuza 7#ichiban kasuga#masato arakawa#ryo aoki#snap sketches#edit: two versions cause im indecisive about everything ever#this one goes out to anon ..... hi ....#Truly ask really did just. make me wanna draw em LMAO#idk why i decided they should get takoyaki afterwards but idk. best thing to do before you go to jail vjaLRKVKE#tbh i just know that whenever i was upset my sis would take me out to get food#it wasnt often since shes not home much but on the off chance she caught me on a bad day we'd always get ice cream or somn#ironically my sister's coming home from a trip later today and my sister's always been my best friend tbh so. funny timin for this doodle#i wont go on a mile long tangent like i usually do so ill just say my sister's really cool and important to me and i cant wait to see her#def why y7 hits hard for me ..... the FAMILY bro ........ beating aoki with a metal pipe as we speak#nuff of that tho. for now i sleep for ten seconds bye everyone
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Happy Holidays author!
Do take it easy and be well.
See you next year!!
Aah thank you anon! Happy Holidays to you too!! 🤗🎁
#not redo; rewind#asks#lovely anon#gif#im actually celebrating with my family later today!!#i can't wait for the pie 🥧#and seeing my sister. i guess. but pie.
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#personal#tag rant#im not sure if it’s just because of the general stress and shit that’s been goin on lately but ive just been losing it today#like i just feel awful about myself and my life and like i feel so fucking stupid for moving away from home just to end up working a shit#retail job and not even going to college#trying to chase some fucking minuscule dream that ive made hardly any headway in#like how fucking stupid am i?#and the worst part is i don’t want to give up on it#cause i know ill never forgive myself if i do cause at the end of the day i love doing it so much#and that just makes me hate myself more#cause i should just go and try to make something of myself and make my family proud and not squander my life and my chances#i just want to make my life worth something#and right now i feel pretty fucking worthless and everyone can see it#fucking failure#and like i know the obvious answers are to just change it#don’t like your life? change it!#i jusy don’t know how when i feel like this#i just don’t know what to do#negativity#delete later
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gooooood morning yves fans o7
#✧ chatting !#im so tired bruh#i need to meet family later today . . . itll be nice to see them but aaaaaaaaaa#itll be the first time i wont have my parents around ;; so i have to be in charge of my sisters . . . . aaaaaaaa#itll be all good. hopefully
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#tis i! tragic daughter one of three!#motherless at age 26#the last wake was today and this was more fun than the 1st. more casual. my moms childhood friends were there#ans it was fun to catch up with my uncle and his side of the family#i feel so weird tho. bc ppl r asking how we r and like genuinely i feel fine most of the time#like my sister is like: i sacrificed so much for my mom and i saw her downslide into death#and im like yea i fucked off to [redacted state] and showed uo after the horrible part was over#and bc im finally on medication i really feel better than i have possibly ever. so its just weird#weird to br at my mother's wake and think: god ive wasted so much fucking time being miserable. i dont want to do that anymore#and i feel like thats an option now. i mean ill always be frustrated by the same things. the difficulty reading and focusing#and the lack of social ease. but it feels like less of a big deal now#i say that now before im entrenched in school again. but idk. its just weird#but idk i love my mom but there was distance there and i have weird insect brain which i think makes it hurt less#i dunno. maybr ill feel it more later. when im on my own again#its just that i never reached out to her. i didnt realy on her and she didnt reach out to me so now things won't change much#i dunno. well see#unrelated
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#today was such a long fucking day and i was made so fucking uncomfortable i literally threatened to walk out of a fucking funeral#i got told im dressed inappropriately just because im perceived as a girl and i was wearing pants#PANTS.#theres no such thing as a funeral dress code that prevents me from wearing pants. people just didnt like it#i got told by two extended family members that i was inappropriate. and later also by my mom#who didnt say anything when they picked me up. it was fine by her at that time but later when others said it wasnt fine? yeah#im so fucking tired man#i know the extended half family doesnt like me ive always been a black sheep but this just. yeah#at a funeral no less#i dont want to see these people ever again im so fucking tired. i dont want to see anyone ever again tbh#just let me sleep forever and rot away please im tired#sorry my headache makes me angry and upset just. its all just so much#im just glad this whole hassle is over and i dont have to think about this anymore. but between all the stress and anxiety and grief#and everything else? yeah this. this aint it fam#im so mentally fucking shot i just want to sleep but my body is still kinda in a fight or flight mode with this and the grief its so hard#and my head hurts. so yeah. i dont fucking know#i just need someone to hold me before i combust#again sorry#night is an absolute mess on main
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so sorry help me i was gonna draw something but i got tired ill jusr rell u .. ir was gonna B a comic abt finder and bob where finders doin his rounds of small talk to everyone and bob isnt even listening hes just staring at him and his glasses fog up bc hes. blushing snd finder is like. oh bob. your glasses-- and bob freaks out like what WHAT ABOUT MY GLASSES???? IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM???? idk. cutes patooties...
i'll probably still draw it tjough im VERY sleepy today!!!!!!!! also happy thanksgiving HEHE
forreal smiling really wide kicking my feet imagininf this SO CUTES oueeeeoueee 😭😭
id love to see you draw it sometime if u got the energy!! but just thinking about it is wonderful 🥹❤️ i heart them so bad
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#my fault for saying yes technically but my manager asked if i can come in today bc someone called out#i was asking about my schedule and she was like 'im adding you to monday' (i was only scheduled tomorrow and tuesday)#and when i asked 'so im not coming in today right?' bc nothing about that was mentioned she said we'll see what my hours#were for the past week#so#guess im going into work :')#as stated my fault for saying yes but in my mind i 1) could have just not and assumed i wouldnt be scheduled#2) the more hours i work rn the more im paid AND it makes up for how much less ill be paid come august (ill only be able to work a certain#number of hours) and 3) i technically didnt have plans today (i had 1 but its a plan that could be any day of the week)#so im just gonna double check w my manager later that the rest of my week is set/im not gonna be coming in after tuesday#bc i would like to plan the rest of my week and do stuff w family as well as just. yknow. personal projects#anYWHO#my period's also supposed to be soon so thats another factor to my not wanting to work but that one is an easy one to ignore lol#amber's shit you can ignore
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(Out of nowhere, you are approached by a familiar lightbulb-headed Cog.)
Ah, it's you, cat. Thinking you're oh-so-slick. Muttering and whispering under those raggedy whiskers of yours... Thinking I am unable to hear it all...
Well, you've simply underestimated my fantastic hearing. You probably want to know the reason why I'm here, taking a 'break' from my incredibly important scientific breakthroughs? It's quite simple, really!
(She gets close, and squints her eyes.)
I know what you are.
Farewell, now!
(She then leaves the way she came from.)
(Spam giggles immensely, covering her face... it always seems like she's giggling, isn't she? This lasts... at least thirty seconds. Longer than usual.)
And I know what I am too, Sparky! You broke through something, that's for sure. Really, broke through...
(She looks down, continuing to laugh nervously.)
You know, I find it odd you Havent tried to bulb blast me into the stratosphere by now. I mean knowing how you acted with Frostbite. Is there something peculiar about me that you perhaps can't quite track? Something about me that you... don't know what I am?
I know, I know, I'm talking to nobody again. But you were there when I had a moment today with the one the only Frostbite The Bravecog. You may be remaining. Lurking in the shadows. Knowing about these thoughts that I'm thinking.
(The giggling resumes, lasting far shorter this time.)
Your brother's a piece of fucking barp, by the way
(She braces for impact for a few seconds, wincing while smiling, before comically looking around to realize nobody's there. She sighs.)
Wow, okay maybe toony superhero show logic doesn't apply in this situation. Cool.
WAIT I JUST FUCKING REALIZED WHAT SHE MEANT but like. Dude if she meant that then what's the point I mean the whole ahh sellbot department barping knows unless you're Really low on the ladder. Heheh... maybe she did mean what I thought she meant.
Oh i'm so fucking screwed. What kind of bitch gets filament fever
#bright spark#<- for finding this again later. haha i called her sparky#the way she talks fucking tickles my brain so much im so . ohguohguohoghog SHE#SORRY THAT THIS TOOK SO LONG you see i was in the mindset that i would do this one little thing and then i would do my work which uh.#that leads to so so SO much procrastination. including on fun things! oh so fun things.#today was an event.#i also spent quite a bit of time ruminating i “would she really say that” is worse when shes literally you#to clarify. she is spam's aunt by like. building standards. not really in her found family. so its fucked up but as i said in discord this#is like. a “your mom's kinda hot” level crush. you know. also sorry i really wanted to say filament fever its been eating at me okay#nothing SERIOUS the way my f/os (and spam's f/os (plural now?? i guess?? if today was a canon event)) are#honestly mark still feels like the only real one with her to me but damn it. if spam's reflecting My Changes then she's Reflecting My Chang#spam in toontown unlike my other sonas is the most “its just you again” out of all of them and thats partially because her main#cog connection... is frostbite. they bounce off each other like we literally bounce off each other and damn it shes been so stagnant on her#own because of it. mark happened and she mirrored that because i kept fucking talking about him while we were in character and ideally#i should TRY to fix her. but also man because i'm not doing Serious lore stuff with her i dont. even know if i want to.#i kinda brushed it over the rug by saying that she relies on her constant entertainment so readily because she herself still doesnt feel#like she has a place outside of cogs only. sure she's in high roller backstage sure she's in allan's family now but shes not Doing anything#with herself the way that her friends are. mole's a ranger. frostbite cohosts. wishes... has chip. and something she doesn't have--#living and fully growing as a toon. rather than being haphazardly slapped into a world. and in some respects she's envious of frostbite#finding themselves so quickly because she distracts herself because she's still kinda struggling with it. despite everything. yes she lives#happy and carefree a lot of the time but she keeps buying those dumb phones because when she's truly alone... her mind starts to wander.#that's what mark is for. so that spam can dream of a world where she has a purpose. even if its fake and fragile and just nothing compared#to the great friends that she already has. where she feels like its worth it doing something when she doesn't have anyone. and in that#respect. with the goons ma allan parallels in sonboy the spam cathal parallels shine. seeking tv (and to a lesser extent games) as a#method of escapism. even when one's life is already pretty good. because there's nothing else worth doing without friends or family.#the internet isn't just cool. it gives her something to be when it seems like everyone is something but her. and maybe thats a lazy#excuse for why it seems like she doesnt HAVE anything to call her own but that but damn it i'm trying my best to twist it around.#spam has such a HISTORY yknow? even if it feels like i havent established her much.#spam is the hearts to frostbite's spades not just because they're the duo of all time but because spam's fake stupid love keeps her going#sorry i just started rambling in the tags of this post about spam it. happens. she loves her friends so much i need to reiterate that okay
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one of those fifty things was a classist af post about how fanfic writers can't actually write for shit, yes all of them apparently bc they aren't educated in proper literary devices or whatever.
are you fucking hearing yourself
#idk man but seeing that after writing fic for 11 years in a language that's not my native one & evolving ON MY ABSOLUTE OWN and then-#-going as far as to study literature now that i have the chance & finally gain enough confidence in my skills to start working on-#-my own original work after years of daydreaming about it just to read THAT from a posh spoiled bitch really fuckin' felt like a kick to the#-balls that i do not possess#like fuck you fuck you FUCK YOU#among other things like being fully purposefully deadnamed AGAIN today after yesterday's family fiasco#and getting swamped by fifty fuckin academic tasks left and right#AND a constant bombardment of imagss of mulilated children in posts with notes full of zionists excusing said massacre#and then THIS fuckin post abt fic writers or whatever#i cant take it seriously im at my fuckin limit but Unironically I'm about to start crying out of sheer anger and fury#i dont like feeling so angry. i hate it and it makes me feel like a monster but i cant DO this shit anymore#it's only Tuesday and i have less than 1% drive left for the week what the fuck#tw vent#maybe delete later idk
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im. not doing well 🤡
#if ur grossed out by blood and periods dont read further#but having pcos fucking sucks#ive had my period for TWO WEEKS#today is my breaking point in combo w the exhaustion of work#im dizzy nauseous and my blood pressure is rly low#and i got shortness of breath which is probs bc of anxiety but like 🤡#and i had a family emergency to deal with which had me running frantically from work back home#i feel like death#im gonna drop by the hospital later for an ultrasound#and i took some iron supplements but i think. i might need IV ones again#dont rly feel like waiting to get labs done tho#might just go to my dads private practice and see if i can get it done there#and im trying to reschedhule my night shift tomorrow bc im Not Well Enough to go#i need a day to stay in bed bc im so far over burnout right now its a whole new level#burrito talks#not fandom related#delete later
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my enjoyment for doomed siblings began with gamma and beta from sonic adventure me thinks
#snap chats#kiryu and nishiki …. ichi and masato ….. what if i threw up ….#sega thanks for. this incredibly niche thing im a fan of apparently#no cause i was out with my brother today and i saw a black mini cooper and i was like ‘omg beta’#and then i was just thinkin bout gamma and how much i loved his campaign and oouuugh …. gamma youre forever number one to me#ignore the fact im wearing my shadow shirt today ok theyre both number one to me but thats besides the point#i love it when one sibling is doomed. ignore gamma blowing up two seconds later#naw see they get a happy ending. of sorts. wait …. i have to do math#do yall think the flickies in them bots were partners or just friends#cause i was talking to my brother and he was like ‘i dont think they were together i think the three of them were just friends’#i will simply subscribe to that notion for now because my heads gonna hurt otherwise#POINT IS i love doomed family dynamics. again beta and gamma get bittersweet endings but it counts to me
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Yule log. Yule log save me.
#i fucking forgot to have a log this year btw.#i mean. i usually celebrate a little later than is expected because it's easier to celebrate when most people around me celebrate Christmas#so i can still get my hands on a log and decorate#but yeah#started to think about how I'll have to see my family for a few days and immediately became full of adrenaline#which is bad because please. please i need to sleep. im begging.#like today i straight up nearly fucking fainted.#because I just can't sleep nearly at all. because of how terrified i am.
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I guess I should start looking into apartments for next year. I don't know where I'm going to be working after I graduate yet, but I'll have a car by then, so it shouldn't matter too much. And I'm hesitant to move when I don't know where I'm going to end up... but I will be honest, I cannot live in this place for another year. They've increased the rent by a literal 50% since I started living here 3 years ago, the air conditioning doesn't work, I have to do laundry by *coin operation*, and worst of all there is no patio or balcony to speak of. I need outdoor seating!!! For my mental health!!!! Adding in the fact that it's far too cramped with all the furniture I got from my dad...
Yeah. Even if I only live there for a year, I Got to move.
Gonna be working on sorting through all the shit in my apartment, especially the boxes from my dad. Once I get a car, I wanna make it my personal project in the next year to cut down on the shit that I own. Go through my old clothes and donate anything that I Never wear and Never would. The goal being that by the time I do move, I want there to not be a fucking boatload of shit to move. There's still all this furniture but like. Eh. Ya kno. Still wanna make it better than it could be.
#speculation nation#dont have my dad to help me move anymore. which means im gonna have to figure out how to take this bed frame apart.#ive never done it before. it was always him doing it. but im fairly smart. it's probably pretty intuitive.#just. kinda sucks. and i'll have to keep track of what screws go where and whatever for putting it back together.#i think i wanna get a 2 bedroom apartment. even if it's just me. so i can have a room i can shut off from the cats#primarily for plants lol. and maybe some other shit. stuff i dont want the cats to access.#i wonder if it'd be too early to start looking for an apartment for like... june of next year.#the earlier the better if i wanna secure something nice. but also idk if theyd even have things listed for a year from now.#wouldnt hurt to look at least. put some feelers out. see what's available out there.#i'll kind of miss this place. my first apartment ive lived in on my own. and the last place that both sammy and cassy lived.#i will be honest. kind of a shithole. but it's mine yk?#but ive outgrown it. and also i could Really do without all the bugs from having a partial basement unit hfksbfmd#might look online later today. just to see.#housing around here is in pretty high demand bc of the college so if i can secure smth early. that's probably the best for me.#give me more choices. etc etc. ya kno.#important for me to think about this now anyways bc my rental company is gonna b pestering me in like a month or two to decide if ill renew#give me a reduced offer for rent from what theyd be increasing it to. which. lmfao. 50% increase is 'reduced' from what it could be.#i... really am so lucky that my dad had his life insurance policy set up like he did.#having money to fall back on makes all of this a lot less scary. up to and including being able to hire ppl to help me move#if. it comes to that. my family would still in general be willing to help probably. but man we're all getting older.#and i know i got too much shit. so. if it came down to it. yeah i could hire moving helpers. if i needed to.#and it makes me feel more secure in moving despite not having a job lined up yet#bc i still have Plenty of money. unless the next apartment is like horrifically expensive i could last several years with what i got.#so. yeah. looking into moving next year. big things. it's the time to think about it though.
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#fuck man#today i got up and moved#like moved around i mean#i think im done grieving the life i almost had and the family ill lose over this#wife and parents anf everybody else says they were never family if theyd makr this choice#but its never that simple.#and i just. damn if i was gonna hate ANYBODY it would be him#but ive realized finally that i dont have it in me to hate. it would be so much easier to hate#fuck im tired of loving. but i cant stop i guess its just in my fucking nature#FUCK. FUCK#god. death is the easy way out man#ive known that for years but. shit itd be so much easier to just quit#but i wont. never. not when theres work to be done and children to protect#even if i never get to see them again or even meet baby axel#we did it all for them. maybe one day theyll remember too#but even if they dont. maybe ill still be able to save them#thats the only solace i have#T told me once ''if we had just''#i knew what she was going to say. i interrupted with ''we would never be able to live with ourselves. for a single second''#even though this is the worst scenario i can imagine#i have to do this. even if its the hardest thing ive ever done i have to keep going.#i have to keep moving forward#sigh. ok#here we go again#id say delete later but i wont
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