#ALSO should add. im not the most depressed i could be. like im a little bit ok and i think winter break will be good.

[mayoonn]

heyya! i saw u needing some1 to request so here i am 😈 imagine maki (from jjk) is from a family thats known for their alpha genes (yes. a/b/o universe.) and shes engaged with m!reader whom she thought is a female omega due to his pretty face + mid length hair. she couldnt do anything but froze infront of m!reader bcs she thinks that an angel has fallen (cheesy, i know.) but no, its not a fallen angel. ts a human being. maki is rough at reader first but cant help being smitten to reader liek shes ready to give the whole world for him. also could u add smut innit? any kinks r welcome ;) and and make maki a softdomtop!!!!@ im such a sucker for maki ong 😩 ANYWAYS have a great weekend :]]

Thank you, dear! Maki is so.. hfgghh ♡♡

I apologize if it's very late and if this story was a little rushed or doesn't make sense, I was in the hospital with my mom.. Don't worry, she is very well! She just had surgery (I'm suck at writing smut ಥ_ಥ)

(Male reader!!, smitten omega! reader, subbttm! reader, alpha! Maki, softdom! Maki, Maki has cock, reader has pussy and cock, feminization, nipple play, frottage, rough to soft vanilla sex)

Being an omega is a curse and a blessing for you at the same time, from getting special treatment to getting treated like a slut or an object sometimes. It was 0 to 100 real quick, you have to meet the right person or in this case, the right alpha. You were glad your parents weren't like those abusive or narcissistic as other Omegas are experienced before. You actually have a very decent and normal life, your parents taught you well especially about the alphas.

You believe that not all alphas are that horrible but often, you heard or even saw with your own eyes that you actually questioned yourself whether you should even mate with one. You are an independent, one truly rare to see in omegas so it's really a choice to have a mate. Your parents were worried that you'll end up alone all your life so they offered to set up an arrangement of alphas as your potential mate.

At first you were reluctant, you were afraid about your parents taste in alphas. Not that they had terrible taste, you were scared of what kind of alphas they are. You know how they can be but thinking of being alone for the rest of your life sounds depressing. You agreed nonetheless and your parents were very delighted. They were so excited that you were sure they already made a list..

For the first few dates, they were terrible. Just as you expected, one even sent death threats just because you weren't interested in.. "Open relationship". You frustratedly sighed when most of them were talking about themselves. Well at least you dodged big bullets there, you knew you'll regret when you mate one of them. Your mother comforts you, giving you hope to find a suitable mate while your father arranged your dates.

You were starting to give up until your father came in the room, running as he looked very very excited. You were skeptical, raising your brow at him and crossing your arm. You hoped it would be great news or you might as well give up on this whole mate thing. " well, you don't believe it but Maki Zenin accepted our arrangements! " your father exclaimed as both of you and your mother were shocked to hear this news.

Your face was flushed red as your mother hugged you, celebrating as if you actually achieved something. Well you did, Maki Zenin was a powerful woman and also her family was known for their alpha genes. You actually have a crush on Maki since forever, you didn't think this would've happened to you but it did. You have seen her fights, you even heard that she's actually very respectful and such a gentleman!!

If you could, you would be squealing right now like a high school girl getting love notes from her crush. Your father had told you the arrangement, usually date in the same restaurant as always on tomorrow night. You had to stay calm in front of your parents, you didn't want to look so excited when in the past, you repeatedly told them you don't even need or want a mate. It would be embarrassing, you went to your room and got your outfit ready. You even practiced in front of your mirror, you also don't want to be a stuttering mess in front of her, Maki Zenin! You pray that it'll end up well and you are happily married together and forever! ♡

Okay, maybe you were a bit delusional there.. The next day, you were waiting in the restaurant. You came way too early, you kept checking your hair and your attire. You actually did your best as much as you can, you want to impress her so hard.

➶➶➶➶➶٭٭٭٭٭٭٭٭٭٭٭٭٭٭٭٭٭٭٭٭٭٭٭٭٭٭٭٭٭٭٭٭٭➷➷➷➷➷

After months of courting her, you were both engaged and it was actually going pretty well. The first date, Maki thought you were a female omega with how much you actually cleaned yourself very well. She was flustered when you confronted her that you were a male but hey, she really hit the jackpot there. The way you talk with your soft tone, your eyes fluttering at her, your attire almost seen as an angel that has fallen from heaven. It's cheesy, she knows but she can't help but flirt with you. Your blush compliments your skin so much

That night, after your wedding and on your first honeymoon night was the night you lost your virginity to her. She was glad and appreciated that you waited for her for a long time and she won't hold back. You weren't surprised that she manhandled you so much, it actually turned you on. You were both naked on the bed as she said in hushed words in your ear while she prepared your pussy and stroking your cock. She kept edging you, fingering your hole so fast then slowing down when you were so so so close to cumming.

"Aww, I'm sorry baby but I want you to cum on my cock. Hmm, so sweet, " she smirked as you arched your back in pleasure, your hand gripping on her hand while the other was holding her other hand. It was romantic to you, you thought it was because even though she's so mean and being so rough on your pussy but she is actually so sweet. You tighten your grip as you moan louder, begging for release. Then she stopped and slowly pulled out her fingers from your gaping hole, you huff and pant as tears swelled in your eyes. Your cock twitching so hard, it was painful to hold it in but anything for your lover.

Your hole is gaping as if it was calling for her, you let go of her wrist and wrapped your arm around her neck. Your lips hovering hers as you slowly leaned and kissed. Maki traced her hands on your body, slowly from your chest then on your curves. She gripped your waist and started to devour your neck, marking and biting that it'll leave bruises. You were sure that it won't fade for weeks, you love how possessive she can get.

"Ahh~.. M-maki, please~..," you don't know why you begged for but you really need her. You feel like your body is heating up like a scorching fire. Maki hummed while she gently bit your nipples, playing with your chest. You lightly moaned and your brows furrowed, both of your naked bodies were sweating like crazy. "Baby boy~ be patient, I'll be gentle with you, " she chuckled as she gripped your thighs and pushed up, rubbing her cock to your hole. Your legs twitch every time her cock rubbed your entrance, the head of her cock threatened to push inside. You whimpered and pleaded as you buck your hips but Maki gripped on your thighs.

Your hands gripped onto the blanket behind you as you watched her cock sliding onto your pussy until she finally pushed it in. You arched your back and your eyes widened, your hole clamping on her cock. "Relax baby~ shh.. Shh, relax," she grunt while she rubbed your hips. Your eyes shut, your knuckles became white and slowly getting used to her size. It was bigger and more painful than you expected your first time to be.

After a few minutes of staying still, Maki slowly thrust her cock. You moaned, wrapping your hands around her neck again and nuzzled your head to her neck. Your feverishly moan and gasped were clearly heard from her ear, she grunt as she started to thrust hard. The slaps and your girlish moans can be heard from outside the room, your legs twitch while her cock drilling your inside as if she was rearranged your guts.

You squealed and moaned, bed creaking from how hard she thrust. Maki holds your hand as she whispers sweet nothing in your ear. She growled and soon your release came, the Milly and sticky white substance covered both your stomach and hers. Maki thrust harder than before and you mewled, pleading for her cum as your eyes rolled to the back. Not too long after your orgasm, she came inside. You gasped, feeling your womb were filled and you were pretty sure that your stomach bulged out a bit. Maki lay down on top of you, her cock still inside as she kissed the hickeys she gave in your neck. You grunt when she pulled out, her cum oozing out of your hole and you were too tired to do anything.

She went to the bathroom and came back with a wet rag and water for you, she helps you sit up and clean your body. She kissed your shoulder over and over again as you hummed, this was the best night you will not forget ♡

[toxooz]

I know the answer might be no but still!

Are you ever going to make or add your characters into character ai?

I think it'll be really cool to be able to talk to Ollie, or just talk to the whole gang!!

Also lots of love to your art and comic, I found this comic when I was at my lowest and it really helped me out when I was really sad in depressed! Thank you for making this comic and for doing all of this amazing work that you have put in to your characters and storyline!!!

look 🙏 i do see the possible appeal in that i aint gunna lie one bit and as the creator of these characters the idea of being able to seemingly talk to them sounds pretty cool! BUT i simply cant jump on the AI train to Any extent it just wouldn't sit right with me. I feel like it would unnerve me after a while plus the idea of my OCs being 'off' or having out of character dialogue that's out of my control kinda gives me the willies. It seems like one of those things that are simply too good to be true in a practical sense so any possibility of it happening just goes into uncanny valley like do i wish i could take my ocs out of my brain and talk to them HELL yes ( if i dont get killed first) but that should be an impossible thing to do unless im dreaming or hallucinating or some shit. It's like the AI images ie. i Could just type in a bunch of prompts and shit out like 30000 images of my ocs so that i could look at them but where would the yearning be after that??? The loving sculpting of them in my brain while im trying to capture their essence with my hands into a drawing??? One of the main reasons for my ocs to exist is so that its something for my brain to toy around with and wallow in like a cat in catnip, so the idea of being able to just 'lay everything out' so easily just ruins the whole ' i have mysterious little dudes in my head that i mold around everyday to try and figure them out' aspect if that makes any sense??? PLUS im pretty sure the chat ai basically takes paragraphs from writers so for me to be so abhorrently against ai images yet being on board with chat ai when its ~surprise~ stealing from real writers feels like the most hypocritical ass shit i could do sO long old head 'robots evil' rant short: its a no from me dawg

BUT THAT ASIDE im glad to hear u like wheel bitten!! That means so much to hear and may your life continue to improve and thrive!✨🌟

[myworld-collapsing]

just noticed cinna is the girlie i talk about the least of the 3 . . forgive me everyone . . i shall share some info i made about her just now . .

cinna is a very . . pessimistic individual to say the least .

when she first arrived at the garden, she was extremely detached and disassociated from her classmates and surroundings, and often avoided everyone at all costs possible .

the best you could at least see of her, would be her either just sitting silently under a tree, or her aimlessly trailing away to wherever .

she’s introverted and timid, negative, shy, and always anxious and stressed about something, whether it be about someone or something . this heightened a lot when she was around others . ( and still does now sometimes ) when she deems she can’t deal with something, she shuts down entirely .

she can also go on morbid rambles about disturbing topics if she feels comfortable enough with you : D !

she also has lapses of time where she can just be straight up cruel and inconsiderate of others, taking the sad reality of things and stretching it, surrounding someone with it until it swallows them up .

all of these traits mainly come from her “ home “ life . although she is the oldest of cas’s children, she was put to sale quite later then her siblings, and was left as the last one left of her father’s “ litters “ .

sonii gave her to a pet human modifier shortly after this as a gift of a new “ lab rat “ . cinna’s guardian is named guardian arcaro by the way .

arcaro is a bit like urak, but more . . uncaring for his “ pets “ ? ( who he deems as “ lab rats “ instead ) he often experiments carelessly with them, so much that it’d probably be assumed he doesn’t even know the limit of what a human can take .

cinna is deemed one of the more fortunate pets of arcaro, “ only “ having a vast amount of trauma emotionally and physically from being cruelly experimented since she was a child so far, while most of her other less fortunate siblings, ended up tortured physically for the most part before their untimely deaths .

because of this as well, she does not view herself as human, but more as a underserving burden, who should have never been born . her worldview is muddled and cold . why are we here if not only to suffer ?

this all starts to change when she meets yuna, who through time brightens her world, and gives her a reason and want to live, to keep going and become a better person . although i won’t ramble on that too much though since this post is already pretty long,

cinna does become a better person with yuna around her now ! ! she becomes much more involved with her classmates, and is overall viewed as a shy and quaint, sometimes a bit creepy but cute girl !

though, for her thoughts on cas ( which i really haven’t mentioned until now im so sorry blue i honestly thought you didn’t care 😭 ), in very short and simplified terms, she naively thought that he could save her ( when she was both younger and started being experimented on ) at first, but now honestly doesnt care for him in the slightest .

nothing like bottling up your feelings of betrayal and sadness until they’re gone ( they not they’re just lodged even deeper into you now ) am i right ?

( also to add to the angst she does view her younger self as a “ stupid and immature little girl . “ )

( yuna belongs to @starry-skiez, and cas belongs to @bluemoonscape ! by the way blue, thoughts on my depressed little cinnamonroll : 3 ? )

[actually-a-fish]

The Mitchells vs. The Machines

Hello! I like watching movies. Ideas get stuck in my head while watching them and i need them out of my brain. This is my 4/9/24 viewing of The Mitchells vs. The Machines. I like cartoons :)

This will have spoilers

Without further ado... my thoughts chronologicall

PROLONGED EYE CONTACT DODODODOD

The main VA is Abbie Jacobson (aka Princess Tiabeanie Mariabeanie de la Rochambeau Grunkwitz)

this family reminds me so much of mine minus depression and a commitment to a cult :)

girl its probably a good thing you weren't at the tech reveal. be nice to the siris, alexas and echos in your life...

i kinda wanna watch that robot movie with Will Smith and hot robots now

THEY ALL HAVE STIMS GUYS

running away from your crush and saying you hate them is so real

"what are these? robutts?"

HES TAKING NOTES

I like that the new genre of villian is a tech bro and AI

I dont like this bit about wifi, we are dependent on it yeah but people can adapt pretty well. Well some I guess.

why do dads always suggest eating the family pet?

i cannot express how autistic this family is. its constant, not demeaning or the butt of a joke. just a family being a family. I have flappy hands about it.

aww dads do love to teach their kids to drive stick shift

i do like Eric and Barbara

the robots are shooting the humans into space, that's their plan and honestly i've been saying we should shoot garbage into space for a while now so im glad somone is finally doing it

there are cute edits done by katie through the whole movie and they deserve a shout out

I knew touch screen fridges were a bad idea

NOT FURBYS WTF WHY THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE

"your whole lives i wanted to save you from disater and this is the moment ive been waiting for" - Rick (and also my father)

KATIE DRAWS ON HER HANDS TOO OMG THE DETAILS. THERE IS SO MUCH STIMMING AND IT MAKES ME HAPPY EVERY TIME

This is good family bonding, but no tears yet.

unfortunately i think the family bonding was to good. The dad left a sentimental object in katies bags and now im convinced hes gonna sacrifice himself to save the rest of the family.

now im crying. :) if you watched i bet you could guess which part.

oof crying again! a Twofer!

This movie may be healing my childhood trauma. I miss my parents. They were just doing their best

THE CALL BACKS. THE CULMANATION! ITS MAKING ME EMOTIONAL IM SORRY

thank you game grumps for introducing me to the song "Walk the Dinosaur" by Was (not was)

An accurate compilation of watching my coworkers and professors use computers

uh oh they got little brother, Linda is gonna rip out someone's heart

OH MY GOD I JUST THOUGHT SHE WAS GONNA GET MAD

ERIC AND BARBARA SUPREMECY

damn i need to see my family so i can remember why i hate them bc this is to sweet for me

TEAM E AND B! TEAM E AND B!

How long of a break between the entire world being abducted by robots and everyone going back to work was? Do you think this was like their pandemic

"My name is Monchi, king of kings: Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair"

THEYRE BASED ON A REAL FAMILY (and the whole family has "im easily overstimulated" hair cuts, its so relatable)

It's cheesy. full of stuff you know is meant for kids and that corporate made them do. but I really liked it. I know the whole bit is that the family is weird. I don't really like that they used the word weird instead of autistic but i can kinda understand why they had to do it. i found myself relating the characters constantly. The way they run away when things get overwhelming, communicate through their interests, stim when they have big feelings (they all have their own, and most of them have a couple they do) and the way the situation their in affects them. It is not perfect representation but it did a good enough job for me.

If you read all the way through thank you! If you have any formatting tips please lmk!

Also I feel the silly need to add, this is all my opinion, and my opinion is not fact! It's okay if we don't agree and if you're nice, I would love to hear about it :)

[animezin-ph]

An Anime-Mental-Health-Themed Blog

Hey guys!

My name is Fuegio, and here's some information about me!

Age: 23

Pronouns: he/him

Identity: Transgender Man

Birthday: November 28, 2001

Nationality: Filipino

Passion: Anime

Advocacy: Mental health Awareness

Purpose in Life: To sow seeds of change; to change the world

(below is my Original Character, Fuegio, named after me! He's the mascot of Animezin PH. I had the artwork made in FIVERR since idk how to digitally draw yet hehe)

Also here in my blog, you can find my posts that are anime analyses with this: #analysis

And you can find anime guideposts with: #guide.

You can find me on Medium

My Personal Account

Also, if you read on Medium, you can find me there using the link below!

I post anything related to anime, mental health, and my opinions and beliefs (which may not necessarily be about anime or mental health)

Our Publication "Animezin PH"

In medium, I created a publication specifically for Animezin PH, where we share stories and articles about Anime and Mental Health!

Check out the link below and leave a follow! :D

Animezin PH – Medium

What You can expect from me:

The Anime-Lover

I really love anime, and I've loved watching anime since I was in elementary school / since I was a kid! :D

I'd like to share my thoughts and insights on anime through this Tumblr blog.

This is going to be like an online diary for me, but specifically for anime.

My favorite anime(s) are: My Hero Academia, Wind Breaker, Moriarty the Patriot, and Demon Slayer.

The Mental Health Advocate

A quick gist on my background: I suffer from Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Gender Dysphoria, and C-PTSD.

But despite those diagnoses, I've found my way back into light and peace through an amazing (or should I say ANIME-zin) journey. And I want something similar for everyone, because everyone deserves love, patience, kindness, and care.

A lot of inspiration I got from anime. A lot of foundations built were from anime.

And in this blog, I am not just going to talk about anime and random thoughts (though some posts will be like that), but I will mainly add the twist of talking about mental health with anime!

With that,

I would like to thank you all in advance for your future support and love!

I really plan to build a community that's a safe space for many anime fans. My main target are Filipino anime fans because I, too, am Filipino, and I think Mental Health Awareness should really be spread here in the Philippines, but of course, I will not limit this community to them! :D

I hope we can all make this dream of mine come true! <3

I am still preparing my YouTube Channel for video content similar to the theme of this blog. But you can subscribe already here: Animezin PH - YouTube

(I'm actually going to start learning animation... aaaaa im excited!)

By the way,

Why don't we get to know one another better? :DD

Just for fun, I want to ask:

Depending on your answers, I could make more posts on that anime! I would also love to watch new anime not in the choices above and see what I could learn from them and you all!

Ko-fi donations

If you enjoy my posts, or just love what I'm doing like spreading mental health through anime, I'd be super grateful if you'd consider buying me a coffee (or two)!! ☕️☕️ :D

Every little bit helps me create more anime-mental health-inspired content!

Your support means the world to me, and it allows me to keep doing what I love!

Thank you so much for being a part of this ANIMEZIN journey with me! Whether you can donate, reblog, or share the link, it all helps!

Click the link below to donate:

GCASH Donations

If you are based in the Philippines, you can send your donation through the GCASH QR Code below!

Don't forget to leave a comment below or send me a PM if you've sent a donation so I'd be aware that it's from you!

ARIGATOU GOZAIMASU!

- Fuegio

[artistictiana]

Also been falling deep into my Country and State humans aus that I wanted to share something that I decided to recreate. Im just doing this to pass by time since im on CQ duty... Im most certainly aware that nobody is gonna wanna read any of this, but its too late. Im writing it anyways.

This is my old design of Texas. I have redisigned her so she has a past and current design.

This is her past design. Back when she was Mexico's daughter. But after the Texas Revolution and she disowns herself, she tries to be her own country but fails before even a decade ends. She turns to America and asks to be annexed as a state. America agrees after 9 years. Down below is her modern design.

When Texas first joined, she was the biggest, loudest, and most problematic state. Not many states liked her, her only friends being Florida, South Carolina, and Tennessee. Not even America grows to like Texas much. She's too independent and braggy for his liking (which is funny because that's how he acts exactly). So she tries to "fit in" by changing her hair and main colors to red, white, and blue.

Not long after, her and her biological father had an argument over where the Texas-Mexican border should be. Texas said the Rio Grande River, whilst Mexico said it should be the Nueces River. Mexico also didn't recognize their daughter's independence, ultimately causing the Mexican-American war in 1846- 1848. This caused Mexico to cedced Upper California and New Mexico, who are Texas' brothers.

Then, in 1850, Texas signed the Compromise of 1850, where she gave up some of her territory to New Mexico, Oklahoma, Colorado, and Kansas. She hated this, ultimately growing to hate New Mexico and Oklahoma.

A little over two decades go by and South Carolina has seceded from the union, and soon the other southern states followed. Texas was easily persuaded to join the Confederacy, but didn't do much to to help in the main war front. At the end of the war, Texas was let off lightly alongside Florida.

I'll skip over WW2 because she clearly would support her adoptive father's decisions. But WW1, oof- Learning that Germany tried to get Mexico to attack America by attacking her... she was a bit scared. She was relieved when Mexico didn't agree to join Germany.

Now after the Cold War, Texas began to see an issue at the Texas-Mexican border. Immigration. Immigrants in large numbers would file into Texas due to reasons her father isnt proud of to this day. She tried to deal with the situation herself but America budded in and now we have the wall and deportation and everything else going on today. This is causing her to be depressed since she can't openly talk to her biological father freely anymore but she doesnt want to upset America.

Also just to add, in my au, Texas will secede from the USA. She was reading through her old documents and found her state constitution. She forgot that she could still secede if she wanted to, and does.

BTW: Also it's Texas x Tennessee... Sooooo...... Yeah. Thats that I guess.... Peace ✌️

[narwhalandchill]

the narwhal and/or childe >:)

where do i even start. my beloved. dearest. just an innocent lovely piece of the vast cosmos. a beautiful creature thats done nothing wrong ever in its life. is it such a crime to be hungry??? to be starving???? looking for a snack perhaps?? are french people really that important in the grand scheme of things?????? 🤔

anyway. like just the fact that this is genuinely the most stunning design this game has ever made for a non-human creature in terms of both visuals and audio (HAVE YOU HEARD IT TALK!??!?!?!?!?!??!! the whale calls the sonar clicks that one borderline growl-like sound at the very beginning of the boss fight its just??? oh my goddddddd). the narwhal is just genuinely breathtaking on that front alone. the boss fight design kinda sucks bc its just swimming away from u all the time i admit that its kinda just wenut but cunty but. i do adore just. watching it move its so ethereal 😭😭

and then theres the small tidbits of lore we have for it and its connection to childe when like. i have an Incredibly specific achilles heel for this kind of eldritch being (utterly alien but nonetheless not malicious in its true intent; simply comprehending the world at a completely different scale than the small creatures that fall on its path) and ESPECIALLY any sort of destined link and bond between such creatures and a mortal and like. this trope has been a thing for YEARS for me. and then its fucking happening for the character thats been the most rent free for me in all the time ive played genshin????? oh yeah its so fucking over im in love with the narwhal. like its creating a world!??!?!?! its creating an entire world inside its stomach!???? to create a world it could protect from the cold unfeeling universe for good???? after its entire existence has been defined by a lonely voyage through the cosmos witnessing the rise and inevitable fall of world after world??? and all it could do is weep ceaselessly for each and every one????? HELLO???????? im going to start a cult

also ngl just the sheer fact that its. well. a whale. is also just an emotional 1hko bc like that is Very much an animal where it inherently adds this weight of their sheer size and age and intelligence that makes this little human Feel things. so like. yea the narwhal has a fuckload of things going for it and thats why it just instakilled me and now its just. my beloved. if ajax is my parasocial comp het boyfriend the narhwal is my non gender specified all devouring eldritch wife yes that makes perfect sense dont question this. thank youuuuu. yes watching them beat the shit out of each other in the cutscene (and knowing it went on for 45+ days before that) was very conflicting because of that. why are you fighting we should kiss 😭 im super normal as you can see.

it does rly depress me that in the AQ the narwhals general significance was ultimately just sidelined and turned into an afterthought both in terms of what it is as an independent thinking and feeling individual as well as just. the way hoyo rly didnt expand on ajax' connection to it much at all other than introducing the barebones concept. but its STILL the good fucking food to me. its Never been just a pet to me even if to 99% of the fandom skirks words will just be forever at face value but. whatever. i will love it even more to make up for thsi injustice🥰

[what-if-nct]

sooooo my lovely how did you spend your birthday??? 🩷

i'll be associating you with the pink heart now it was made for you 🩷🩷🩷🩷

and im pretty dumb i forgot to add my identity at the end but yes this link below was me 😭😭

https://www.tumblr.com/what-if-nct/724873268138475520/omg-my-love-happy-birthday-i-definitely?source=share

-venus

Oh, it's fine I figured it was you. You're text tone is very specific. And first I got the doll I ordered when I went in store to get it but the employee ordered it for me since she wasn't in store. And she's so pretty and I took her with me. I asked my friend if I could bring a monster high doll to see Barbie and since their both Mattel it's fine but bringing a Bratz would just be disrespectful to barbie. But we went shopping a little I got some body spray, they both smell so good. In the summer I like fresh fruity sweet scents in the fall I like sweet but rich creamy scents. And I've been wanting miss dior forever but I got a sample for my Sephora gift and I wish I bought it when it was cheaper years ago. Then we bought some more things and went to get dinner and then it was time to see the Barbie movie and have opening credits always been like an hour long I haven't been to a theater in forever.

*slight barbie spoiler*

But I really loved the movie, I loved the diversity of all the Barbies, the plus size Barbie just made me so happy. And I was really surprised by the direction of the movie. I'm happy it wasn't mainly in the real world. I was able to predict who Barbie was in the real world for and who the woman who helped Barbie was. It was a very unexpected plot so predicting anything was an accomplishment. Now my only dislikes are one, Ken I multiple times said I think all the Barbies should just stab Ken. Like he made me so unbearably angry like who do you think you are give that woman back her house. Though I do like how they showed a matriarchy was about team work and building each other while still being encouraging and kind to Ken. Barbie just wasn't in love with Ken. But the only way the Kens could have a patriarchy was to degrade and demean the Barbies. Which is true when you look at the few matriarchal societies that still exist compared to the rest of the world. I personally would love to live in a matriarchy, for there to be balance women need full control for a few hundred years. As we can see men can't be trusted with power unless they're Allan. Don't look for a Ken, find an Allan. Also I do wish the end was a bit different like, Barbie and\or Gloria having a high level job at Mattel.

I think just like in Real life the Barbies should have been just a little gay and kiss. But for the most part I loved the movie it was beautiful, I cried. And my 7th grade crush on Michael Cera has only gotten stronger. I still desire to stab Ken. And wish for more pre depression Barbie Barbieland. I wanna live in Barbieland. Can Hyunjin be my Ken? He can live in my dream house. And then I got home and unpacked my stuff and gifts. my best friend got me the Leo hello kitty plushie and I love her. I also got her a few things since it is now a tradition for me to give her a gift on my birthday that I started for no reason but I see cute things shed love and I also got a giftcard so I used it today and got another doll and a bit of clothes and food. Since I don't have much around the house clothes and jammies I focused on that more. But it was a great birthday and I am so thankful for everyone who made it so including you as well. Thank you so much🩷🩷

Also ever since we got pink hearts it's been my favorite emoji. The android pink heart is the perfect shade of pink I think the iPhone one is darker

[awriterandabird]

not mentally ill enough to be fun for internet users to poke at, too mentally ill to be brushed off as "quirky", but just mentally ill enough to catch myself in yet another unending spiral of shame and agony!

wooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(dont press read more unless you read those tags. im warning you.)

for the love of GOD please help? stop?

earlier someone asked how they could help i told them to give me space i don't want to explode i feel like i need the opposite of space but also if anyone comes close to me i want to golf them into the sun don't talk to me. don't perceive me please talk to me. don't leave me

i wish i could channel this into something productive (not that i think anyone would want to see that. there's better artists and better art. whats one more little fag on the internet making stories about depression and derealization and autism and burnout. i don't have anything new to add.)

today i went outside and i had trouble staying in my own head

for a while i was a father struggling to keep doing his job because 'reality' around me kept feeling weird and wrong and i remember punching a hole in the wall and i heard birdsong but the birdsong was real and i was back on earth (in my body) and the vignette around my vision was tangible. a fly landed on my arm and it made me yell. i was real suddenly- the veil was gone. i walked around and i looked at some things. i saw a weed growing in the cracks of the asphalt and i saw grass growing through a circle of rocks. at the fairy tree i found a perfectly round rock and wondered what was inside. i was back in the crystal shop- the one across the water- where the ferry took us i remember the perfect little geodes they sold i was back home i remember readying that hammer only to completely fuck up the swing and ended up pulverizing most of it. but i looked and the pieces were right there at the fairy tree. i thought about art and how i would portray things if i and i was that father again and i was struggling to explain i couldn't speak at all really even in the arms of my wife i fought myself and another voice (myself) and i told myself im not real and i told myself why do i feel like im stealing something from someone else and why do i feel like my life is over but it never started and i was in the backyard looking for my cat when the gate slammed. it slammed in the wind. im real again. the sun is still out. the neighbors just came back home- i saw their car pull in. im ashamed to keep wasting time outside, so i walk back in my house

i might have gotten the order of events wrong

does it matter

does writing it down even matter

im giving the void (at first i typed "voice") a recollection of something that doest matter

recorded here for all of time, wasting space on a server, rotting, festering.

who is this for is this for myself?

wouldnt it be easier if i just told the people in my real life what was going on,

no you know what shut the fuck up.

go get a job dumbass.

..yeah i feel like a right waste of space.

"look. walk-ins accepted. you can apply here too when you apply at [x] tomorrow" "tomorrow?" "what else do you have going on in your life?" we walked down the rest of the aisle in silence. i didn't have a reply.

"whats the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist?" "one can prescribe you drugs i think" "oh" we drove for 10 minutes in silence. i thought about my next question so carefully. i must have gone through dozens of iterations in that 5 minutes. i was the only one talking. during those 8 minutes i don't remember what the radio played. "which one of those two... tells you about if you have things in your head?" "what do you mean things in your head?" "like-" "like schizophrenia?" "yeah" "a psychiatrist i think. no? a psychologist. i forget" "yeah that's okay you don't know the answer, i probably should have researched myself, its kind of a lot of me to have expected you to have all the answers." "okay"

tomorrow i wake up. i have two options

>disappoint everyone (default option, no action required) >shut up, man up, get out of my room, become presentable, act Normal, interview at two different places, land a job, support the house, be a perfect functioning person

do i have an option

can i at least be a better person than writing a pathetic little vent longer than the colors of the sky. that no one cares about. that i wont care about in. fucking. whenever i can regulate my emotions again

wait will that even happen (someone made me go to type "(never)")

dear god. dear fucking lord. ive only been typing for. not long. it can't have been that long- less than half an hour- rollover just ended- but why the fuck did that person message me 6 times while im on DnD

aaaaaaaaaUGH i WANT TO GO. TO. BED.

WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP TRYING TO TALK TO ME

BUT THEY NEVER WANT TO TALK TO ME

7 messages

why cant we talk about nice things? i have nice things too- when i see them. in that other place. posting back and forth admiring each others stories and characters. i have that too. please. please can you talk to me

but then i swear like clockwork someone reaches out and i think no. not YOU. i want. THEM. (they don't exist) (they are a nebulous construct) what do i want. what do i fucking want. what do i care about? who do i care about?

im sorry. im so sorry. im sorry and i'll promise to respond to you. im sorry i know how it feels to be ignored i don't want to do that to you. im sorry i don't understand these things you send me. i don't understand

earlier tonight i failed once again to follow a simple request

(i keep looking up at those 7 unread messages)

i failed to follow it and i felt so. broken? useless? stupid? worthless? how can you expect someone _like me_ to get a job. to be _functional_

i dont even know if what i want to do is what i want to do anymore

all that time i spent in school. im sorry i wasted your time. im sorry im not going to amount to anything more than that. than this.

"they said they lost you in the system" "lost?? i. i submitted 3 times. under 'jay', under '[dead]', under '[last1]', under '[last1-last2]', i tried. i tried." -- "maybe they just don't want to hire me" "that's not it" "[z] got back to me that one time. do you remember?" "oh only a little-" "they said they're not hiring for night positions. even if on the website, the spot is still open. maybe if i just. replied back again and told them i'd do day anyways" "well, would you rather work at [x], or [y], or [z]?" "[y] i guess... not because i want to work in fast food but the benefits-"

the one blessing of tonight is that at least i haven't been super dysphoric. im too busy trying to claw back into my own body to be worried about whether or not it fits. i just need to be IN one

its been so hard to think of it as anything other than "the body", rather than "me". its. supposed to be "me" i think

whatever that means

my head is swimming again. i need to end this post

7 unread messages

i know i'll hit post, and i'll never see this passage again good riddance. maybe with all the bile ejected now i can actually be

something. i still dont know.

[calehenituse-brainrot]

I know you probably have a lot of requests so please ignore this if you don't want to do it! Reminder to stay hydrated, eat, sleep well and take care of yourself.

But in one of your fics you made an allusion to the reader having self harm scars and just alluded to it to the one you posted today.

Soooooooooo ✨ could you write a reaction from Cale to readers self harm scars.

Cuz he apparently 'filed it away' in the fic where paseton appears

lol, couldnt turn away from this ask.

i dont think cale is the type to bring it up the moment he sees them — he's more of a "let's look for the perfect time to talk about it" kind of person. that's just my opinion.

because of that, im making this as transported!reader. hope you don't mind :/ i'll be writing about the conversation after it.

ngl, thinking about this was kind of hard (as in, brainstorming) because i couldn't exactly think of the healthiest way to bring up sh scars since i didn't really have the best experience with people finding out about mine .

i tried my best with this one and hopefully, i did well. extremely self-indulgent.

WARNING : SELF HARM SCARS AND DEPRESSION, PANIC ATTACK. this is very triggering so please proceed with caution. please say something if you think i should add another warning. btw this is LONG because i got carried away, something i do a lot apparently

Cale wasn't an emotionless bastard.

He might be a bit dense to others, but he had always shown that he was someone with a compassionate heart and had plenty of love for his family and friends.

With the bleak years of childhood from his previous world, Cale understands those who suffer the most and wishes for them to never go through what he did when he was a child.

This did not mean that he will help out everyone who suffers. He knows the boundaries of others and tries his best to respect them. After all, being in pain and unable to do anything was something people considered their vulnerable side. Something they wish to hide from the world and others.

You were no exception, no matter which world you came from.

As said before, Cale had always been dense -- no, maybe he just choose to not mind several things in front of him.

The fact that you had always chosen to wear things that modestly cover up most of your skin was not something he pays attention to. He does, however, pay attention to the fact that you always try your best to dress in the most stylish way possible -- be it a coat, a vest, or maybe even some accessories to your hair.

You avoid doing things that get your shirt dirty, but when things come down and you should roll up your sleeves, you never did. Cale always thought that maybe it's because you don't really mind getting messy when working.

Then he saw what seems to be the reason why.

When you had injured yourself back in the villa where they had stayed in the Ubarr territory, Cale had seen them.

At your thighs and coming up your shoulders were multiple pale bumpy lines.

Cale was familiar with self-harm. He had a pretty rough childhood and had perhaps even considered doing so back when he was in the orphanage. But he couldn't.

He couldn't lift the razor to his skin and drag it across because as much as he was used to getting beat up, he did not like pain. He hated it. But he was familiar with it because he had seen his loved ones does it -- be it his little siblings from the orphanages or his friends from school when they have a terrible home and school life.

Life was hectic and he never truly had the chance to sit down with you and talk about whether you were struggling or not -- it wasn't going to be a pleasant conversation, Cale knew that, which is why he's always been keeping out for the perfect time for the both of you to talk.

He also knew he wasn't supposed to point out scars and he shouldn't be asking about things he wasn't even sure people are comfortable talking about. But some of your scars looked less than a month old, which was worrying.

Back when he was Kim Rok Soo, he received a lot of scars by going on hunting and slaying monsters. He remembers the feeling of each wound and how long they would heal. He can differentiate which scar was older and which was new.

He leaned back in his chair and close his eyes, but the memory of those lines across your skin comes into his head again. He felt like his guts were being twisted as he remembers and he frowned, his eyes stayed close as he remembered it all.

"You look like you have a lot in your mind."

Cale opens his eyes, seeing you walk past by with a grin on your face. "I knocked a few times but you didn't respond."

'I must've been too immersed in using Record,' Cale thought.

For the first time, he pays attention to your clothes. You tend to wear trousers and waistcoats whenever you're working, sometimes there are days when you wear simple dresses that was adorned with accessories.

Today, you wear a long-sleeved white button-up with a grey waistcoat. Your trousers were dark and looked clean. You looked modest and fit right into the world's period (x). 'Her arms are covered as usual.'

"Is there something wrong?" Cale asked, wanting to know why you had come into his room.

"Can't I spend my time with you?" You asked with a teasing grin that has Cale raising an eyebrow. "A workaholic like you spending time?"

"Give me a break." You groaned, plopping yourself on the couch across him and stretching your arms above your head, letting out a groan to slip out of your lips when you feel your muscles begin to lessen the tension they had from working all day. "Working feels great."

You tapped your temple as you continue, "It chases away all the other noises in here."

Cale went quiet. He never really considered that for you. Ever since you had come to this world, you had always been eager to help despite never properly having the time to sit down and process everything.

"You shouldn't be running away from your problems," Cale voiced out his thoughts. You raised an eyebrow, amused. "Are you giving me life advice? I'm not an actual 18-year-old, you old man. Did you forget?"

"I'm not that old," Cale said and you laughed. "To me, you are."

"And I'm not running away from anything," you continued, glancing to the side to avoid his gaze. "I'll deal with them one day once I'm capable to do so. For now, instead of overthinking about it, it's better to work and think about other things."

"But don't they come back after hours?"

You and Cale stared at each other as silence fell upon the room. What exactly are you supposed to say to that? Of course, they come back after your work. It's scary to sit and do nothing because the moment you're alone, these thoughts began to emerge and bother you.

They're not necessarily bad things, but they make you think. They make you question things. They make you anxious.

There is anxiety hovering over the thought that you might ruin this world's flow -- ruining the plot or whatnot -- and being the one to carry that burden sets you off the edge. They make you fear that even a small decision that you make could change everything -- that a small flap of the butterfly's wing could make even a tornado happen.

Sometimes they make you question why you're here in this world, sometimes they make you jittery over the thought of whether or not you can return, sometimes you wondered if you want to return.

You didn't have things that makes you want to keep on living, but you had worked hard. You went to school for years, endured horrible things as a child, and even when you were an adult, and even though your days in your previous world were not the happiest -- living in a small apartment and living paycheck to paycheck -- you worked hard to reach that point in life.

You worked hard to live.

Because if Cale's sole reason for living was because he could not die, yours was because you worked hard for it and want to see the fruits of your labor.

More than anything, you wished that the decision you made as a child to endure the pain for the sake of coming out better and victorious could come true. You wished to see it happen but before you could, you were sent here, your body morphing back into the age where you believed you suffered the most.

"Of course, they come back," you told him honestly. "But the night comes and goes and so will those thoughts."

"Do you not mind living in that cycle?" Cale questions. He finds it horrible -- he would rather deal with the problem at hand instead of letting it stay and became a habit.

"It is what I'm used to," you told him with a small nervous smile. Even you do not believe your own words. "I've become strong."

Cale stares at the smile on your face. He usually likes it when he can see you smile because your smile means everything is safe and going as planned, it means you were having fun, but the one on your face right now makes him uncomfortable. It didn't feel genuine and that does not suit you who had always been sincere and so honest.

Cale doesn't like to see this smile on you.

"Strong?" He repeats, voice low. "Have you become strong or have you gone numb?"

Cale stares at your wide eyes, knowing he might have hit a nerve or maybe you just realized it yourself. Either way, you stilled in your seat while Cale waited for you to answer him.

"[Name]." For the first time since you walked into this room, he called for your name.

You looked at him, still having no words to say and Cale concluded that you refused to talk any further about this. But if not now, then when? He couldn't let you go on knowing you were struggling in silence. He refused to let you be like that.

He was a bit anxious. What if he let you be like that and just like how you let those thoughts come and go, he will treat your struggle as something that he thought about in passing yet never addresses them? Even he is not immune to mistakes like that.

"[Name]," he called for you again. "I've seen them."

You stared at him, a bit confused about what he was talking about. Cale stared at your arms, covered with the long sleeves of your shirt, and as usual, you caught up quickly. You've always been observant when it comes to him, one of the reasons why Cale entrusted you with the power to make decisions for him.

You immediately rubbed on your left arm, self-conscious.

"The scars," Cale said. "I saw them back at the Ubarr territory."

"I didn't think you'd brought this up." You sounded frustrated and a bit irked.

"Do you think of me as someone heartless?" He questions and you shake your head, frowning. "No, no, never. I just... thought that maybe you'll be considerate enough to ignore it. Mind your business or something, I don't know. I didn't think you'd brought it up."

"I can't do that," he said, clenching his firsts that were placed on his thighs. "Some of them looked new."

"I was vicious," you told him, shrugging your shoulders with an anxious smile. You were uncomfortable like you wanted to just brush this away as something light and have the conversation ends quickly. You wanted to escape this conversation.

Cale watched your body language, looking at how you were actively avoiding his gaze and rubbing your arms, either as a way to calm yourself or because you were self-conscious.

"[Name]," he spoke again, this time softly. "If you are uncomfortable with this, we can stop. I don't want to push you to speak of things you aren't ready for yet."

You stilled a bit, feeling the bumpy lines of skin underneath your sleeves as you listen to Cale speak. In your previous world, you weren't exactly given the chance to feel comfortable talking about this issue but then again, self-harm had never been a comfortable topic to talk about.

At least for you.

No, you were forced to sit down and talk about it. Your father had told you how he was so disappointed in you for being so weak in faith when he found out. Your mother had told you that you were inconsiderate, that you didn't think of her when you had slashed your skin.

"How do you think I feel knowing you hurt yourself like this?"

She was ashamed of you, ashamed because you were weak and because self-harm is something only mentally ill people do.

"You're not ill," she had said to you. "You're just stressed and you probably do this because you saw it on the internet."

Your classmates who had seen it announces loudly that you had them, some offering advice on how to keep your depression away like "go and hang out, listen to music" which did nothing.

Some obnoxiously joked around when they had seen it, questioning if you were into narcotics and reporting it to the teachers. A friend you thought was close to you had seen the cuts when it was fresh and the first thing they did was slapped it as hard as they could as a way to discipline you, calling you names like "idiot" over and over again, questioning why you did it but covering their ears when you try to explain.

The looks the counseling teacher sent you when they received the report from others. The way they'll tiptoe around you but then talk of the issue so lightly.

You stared at Cale, seeing that he was patiently waiting for you. You want to talk to him. The fact that he was so considerate with you made you want to open your heart to him, but isn't that the bare minimum? Will this be something you will come to regret?

Will this be one of those times where you gave in because they gave you the bare minimum?

"Can I trust you?"

Cale went quiet for a bit, not because he hesitated to answer you, but because he thought that what the two of you had was already something deep. Do you not think of him the same way he thinks of you?

"Of course," he answered you. "I'll earn your trust if you still think less of me."

You let out a sigh and Cale noticed how your breath was slightly shaking. He stood up slowly and instead of looking at his face, you stared at his torso as he moved closer to you.

"Can I sit here?" He gestured to the spot next to you, now able to see that you were shaking. The worst-case scenario was you'll be having a panic attack or something of the like.

"Mhm." You nod your head.

Cale sat down next to you, watching as you rub your face multiple times, running a hand throughout your [h/c] hair. Your hands were shaking and he can see that you were starting to sweat. Your hand went to touch the couch below you, feeling the texture of the couch cover while murmuring something.

"[Name]," he called for you, hand slowly going to your shoulder and gently pulling you so you would face him. His other hand reaches for your hand, gently gripping them as his thumb brushes the back of your hand slowly.

"Breathe," he told you, remembering how he had told you to do the same when he first met you. You weren't shaking as badly as then and Cale was relieved.

"Hey," he murmured and you turn to him, eyes shaking and glossy.

"This is like the first time we met," he pointed out, squeezing your hand. "Do you remember what you said?"

You closed your eyes for a moment, shaking your head to process what Cale said. Your head was slowly getting rowdy and you still try your best to understand what Cale had said. 'When we first met. What I said to him.'

Cale heard you let out a chuckle albeit still sounding shakey. "I-I said you're a cosplayer. A-and uhm--"

"You complimented me for cosplaying Cale accurately," Cale added. "Do you remember that?"

You let out a weak laugh. "Y-yeah, I think I did. I thought my friend made an elaborate prank for me."

"Yeah, you were pretty shaken up after that," Cale hummed. "I had to hold you and calm you down. A bit like this."

You gulped, swallowing the bile that had risen to your throat. You forced yourself to smile a bit, realizing that it may have been stupid of you to ask whether or not you could trust Cale or not. Hasn't he seen you in your weakest moments? He's seen you be so vulnerable so many times and to think you question him whether you cant trust him or not felt wrong.

"It was embarrassing," you told him with a smile. "I was so... panicked."

"It's normal," he told you.

You stared at his reddish-brown eyes for a moment, your brain finally able to work properly after being so overwhelmed. You remember back how he had been so calm after possessing the body of another person in another world and managed to let out a giggle. "Yeah. It's normal."

Cale gave your hand one last squeeze before he lets go of it and your shoulder. He sat facing you, watching as you rub your face again.

"Are you okay with talking about it?" He asked and when you nod, he feels a bit of the tension he had been feeling from earlier leave his body.

"I mean, it's better to talk about this now instead of later," you murmured. "And I'm okay, I guess. You won't say anything funny about it, won't you?"

Cale raised an eyebrow but still shook his head. "I wouldn't."

You began to roll up your sleeves, fingertips still a bit trembling and you work slowly. Cale waited, staring at your face instead of your arms. "You don't have to show them if you're not comfortable."

"You've already seen them when I was only with a bathrobe," you mumbled. "There's no point in hiding them any longer."

"Is that why you always wear long sleeves?" Cale asked, planning on making this whole conversation easy for you the best he could.

"A bit," you answered honestly, smiling. "I don't have any issue with showing them since back in my previous world, you're not supposed to point them out but this world is a bit different so I took precautions."

"I expected you to do the same — to not point it out — because our previous worlds aren't so different," you continued and Cale nodded. "I'm sorry, but I couldn't leave you be after seeing them."

You smiled listening to his response. You should've known that he would initiate this conversation sooner or later when he had seen your scars.

"Are you still hurting yourself?" He asked, no judgment nor disgust laced in his voice. There was no tone that indicates that he was interested to know more like he was asking for some gossip.

Instead, there was a hint of warmth and concern when he spoke. His face was nonchalant when he asked but his reddish-brown eyes seemed so welcoming and warm, a slight frown of concern on his thin eyebrows.

Cale watched as you stared back at him as if you were looking for something in his expression but then you had a soft smile on your face, shaking your head. "No. No, I—I stopped."

"I started cutting when I was seventeen and stopped after I graduated high school," you continued. "It's how I found out this body was eighteen."

Cale remembers how you had immediately figured out that despite being 24 years old, you had claimed that you turned back into your 18-year-old body when you appeared in this world. When he had questioned how can you tell the difference, you only told him to trust your words.

"I see," Cale murmured, his heart relieved but at the same time felt like he was getting it squeezed so tightly he almost had to start breathing manually.

He was relieved that you stopped. The smile on your face when you said you stopped made him feel soft and warm because he was glad you managed to stop hurting yourself, but there was also some sort of disbelief at how unfortunate you had been to struggle for years with self-harm. His throat felt tight and he wanted to say something to you, about how he was sorry, how he wished he could have helped at the time, but they all sounded so superficial because not any words can describe how much sorrow he feels for you.

"Did anyone help you at the time?" Cale asked. He wanted to know whether or not you had been struggling alone - God, he hoped so very much that you had people to support you throughout those years.

"I wasn't very open about it," you told him with a shrug. "It wasn't a very a comfortable topic to talk about and I try not to impose on others."

Cale exhaled. "[Name], seeking help--"

"I know, I know," you cut him off, rubbing your temples. "I know, but it's so hard to let go of that mindset. My mom never liked it when I talk about these types of things and always accuses me of blaming her for everything. Says I could have handled it all myself because it always seems easy."

"Your mother's a bitch, then," Cale immediately replied. "Talk to me if things start bothering you. I want to help you. Or you can talk to someone else if you think I won't understand -- do what makes you feel most comfortable. No one would turn away from you."

"That's what everyone says," you murmured. "They always say they're always gonna be here to help, but no one is there. No one is willing to listen because it's uncomfortable and when they do listen, things they say make me feel so much more horrible - that my struggles aren't as hard as someone else's, that I should forgive my parents, that I have to go out and get some sunlight."

"[Name]," Cale called for you sternly, his hand moving to yours and gripping them. "Listen to me. Those people aren't here anymore and you're surrounded by people who will never downplay your struggles."

You were a stubborn person. No matter what Cale would say, he knows that you'll always reply back to shut down his words and while it was frustrating for Cale, he also understood that you spoke from experience and his chest ached knowing that you never seemed to be able to find a way to seek help, that no matter how desperate you had tried to help yourself, it seemed things never had gone into your favor. They caused you to stay quiet, to suffer in silence, and forced some sick mindset into your head that the only person who will be capable of helping you is yourself.

But how can you aid yourself when you're the one that's hurt? How can you comfort yourself when it is your own intrusive thoughts that haunt your nights? How can you stop the hurt when it is your own intrusive thoughts that push you to keep on hurting yourself?

"[Name]," Cale calls for you again, his voice had turned softer than before. "I need you to know that while I very much respect your wishes to be reserved about this problem, I need you to know that if it's too hard to handle by yourself, I'm here to help you and I'm sure everyone else is willing to help as well if you opened up to them."

"I genuinely want to help you," Cale pressed. "You told me you wanted to help me achieve my slacker life and I don't think I can slack off if I know you're struggling."

Your finger twitched underneath Cale's hand. "Then is this you paying me back for helping you?"

"No," Cale answered you. "No. Never. This is me wanting to help you because you're someone I care about."

"Careful," you murmured, leaning back to the couch. "You might make me fall in love with you."

Cale lets out an exasperated sigh. "[Name], please."

Silence engulfed the room, uncomfortable and unusually loud. The silence was loud with how the two of you can hear each other's breath, the warmth radiating from each other's bodies, the faint sounds of working servants outside of his door, and the sound of the rattling balcony door whenever a wind passes by.

You were staring ahead, eyes burning hot as you began to process what was happening right now.

Someone was actually trying to help you. You believed that Cale was the most genuine person you have ever met and you know that he wouldn't say things only to make you feel better - he'll always help you to be better and be there with you to solve your problems.

When was the last time someone offered you help?

People asked about your self-harm scars, whether or not you're seeking help, what and who caused this habit, to send pictures of your fresh cuts, to run their fingertips across the bumpy lines just to simply feel and know. They have never asked to help you. They asked because they wanted to know more about what could shake you to your core and then leave you be.

You've had a few lovers who'd kissed your scars and told you that you were beautiful, saying that you should just think of them as "battle scars", begging you to no longer cut yourself for them.

But you never once asked whether or not you were beautiful. You were sick -- you didn't need any reassurance about whether or not you were beautiful, you needed help. Battle scars? It isn't someone else who had taken a razor and cut your wrist so many times as you sit on your bathroom floor until you were lightheaded from blood loss. It is your own doing. You survived what you did to yourself and people utter such horrible words when they know of this.

"Why didn't you just finish the job if you wanted to die so much?"

Because death isn't what you wanted. You just needed to feel something and cutting yourself was the only thing you could think of.

"Please, stop doing this. For me."

Then they leave you at your lowest, becoming one of the reasons why another line is on your wrist. They begged for you to make them be the reason why you'll stop - why? Was it to make them feel more special? To prove that you love them enough to stop? 

People are so sickening.

This feeling is so sickening.

"[Name]."

Cale calls for you, taking out a handkerchief from his pocket. Tears are running down your bloodshot eyes, dripping down to your cheeks and chin. He reached for your face, gently wiping away the tears.

With a choked breath, you spoke, "I'm sorry."

Cale shakes his head, slowly turning your head to face him. "No, you don't have to apologize."

You stared at Cale. Those russet eyes show no hint that he was curious, that he was disappointed, that he was uncomfortable with you. Instead, you can only see genuine concern as he dabs away your tears.

"People ask," you began and you watched as Cale's eyes that were focusing on your tears averted to your eyes. "People ask. But just because they want to know."

"You promise you'll always be there for me? You're not asking just because you're curious, right? You actually want to help me out. You promise?" You asked in a brittle voice, hand running up to touch Cale's that was on your cheek as tears run down your cheek even more. You sound so desperate and so weak -  you were talking to him as if you no longer have anyone to rely on and could only follow him based on your blind trust in him. "That you'll help me? You won't judge me if I ever relapse in the future?"

Cale's breath hitched at the thought of you going back to that horrible habit. "I'll make sure you won't ever consider it ever again," Cale said, his voice breathy, letting you grip at the handkerchief before lowering his hand. "Even if you relapsed, I would never judge you. Your struggles don't define you and will never do."

Cale thought that if you ever relapsed, he'll probably curse himself for being so neglectful to your wellbeing. His wish to be a slacker life includes your happiness, too.

"I'm always going to be here to help," he stated to you. "So, please, lean on me."

You wiped away your tears with Cale's white handkerchief before leaning to him, wrapping your arms around his neck. Albeit still a bit shocked, Cale lets you rest your full weight on him, your face tucked to his shoulder. He can feel his clothes starting to get wet and your labored breaths. He lifted his hand, rubbing your back gently.

"I'm here, [Name]," he murmured, lips nearly pressed to your shoulder. "I'm always going to be here."

You nod in his embrace, still sniffling. "Thank you. Thank you so much."

Cale returned your hug, looking up at the ceiling, wishing that nothing can ever push you to cut yourself again. He reminded himself to always pay attention to your feelings the best he could and help you heal.

"I'm here."

[louismygf]

I'm soooo excited for the album I honestly cannot wait so I wanted to ask you to rank the song by the titles and what we know about them so far ! and you can add what do you expect from all of them if you have certain expectations

omgie an ask ! lovely :) im superrr excited too and reading fan reactions/comments from the listening parties is so intriguing and also so annoying im incredibly jealous😭

answer under the cut bc i got way too excited and typed my heart out !! louis' music is a Very Good topic imo it should be talked about more often rather than....... anything else🥴💘 (warning: ridiculously long-ass answer below LOL)

initial predictions

okay i would just like to start by giving you the predictions i made before we got any interviews and before we got the full tracklist (when we were unscrambling letters basically)! sadly i never completed it bc i got busy,,, i think i was kinda close with Written All Over Your face and Bigger Than Me, though!!!

i originally thought we'd get 16 songs for standard and 18 for deluxe 🥹 (im kinda right!!) and i thought we would get 5 singles, but now i'm thinking 3 hehe (edit: actually 2 now but let's just say 3 for the sake of this ask)

my song ranking (by title & vibes):

my ranking is based on how intrigued i am by the title and also by the song's description, so basically the songs i'm most excited for! admittedly my ranking changed lot as we learned more information about the songs. i'll also add in my opinions/predictions ab the song. obviously, i know nothing; i could be extremely wrong. also here's a summary of what we know so far by @silverfoxlou 🫶🏽 your post helped a lot when i made this hehe thank u <3

1. Silver Tongues:

"a joyful and wholesome moment that honors the little intricacies of his relationship"

when it's louis' favorite, you Know it's a banger. i'm Veryyy intrigued by this song because louis described it as a high energy song but the lyrics are said to be joyful and wholesome? the little intricacies of his relationship? sounds like an interesting combination. Kill My Mind's sister? or ONE of kmm's sisters?? it's interesting to me how. kmm is an upbeat high energy song but with a kind of toxic relationship with a person or thing,,, this one's a Also an upbeat high energy song but! with a more well-adjusted relationship, i'd say- maybe that's growth... i do have a feeling we're getting multiple kmm's 🥹 he really really really likes this one! kmm was my top 3 in walls <3 it's going to be super fun for louis performing this live and for fans screaming the lyrics back to him. superrrr excited!!!

2. Out of my System

"a pulsating, punk-tinged Arctic Monkeys-inspired track... indie rock", (either 'Teddy Picker' or 'Dancing Shoes'), "a song that is as punk as I can get away with" (Altpress), "

guys, this is the mussy song. i Love arctic monkeys, are you kidding me!!!! this is going to slap so good i just know it. the partial lyrics can seen in the merch! back when we didnt know what sounds inspired fitf, the lyrics did seem very sad but with a punk/emo/grunge feel i think it could work and not be as depressing as the lyrics make it out to be! louis also listed this as his top 3, too so im expecting a lot <3 if i had to guess, this song is about releasing tension, letting go, just. relieving stress and just going with the flow kinda thing? it's a release. also is this going to be released as the next single????? will fitf even have another single???? he better release it soon bc theres no way he'd have enough time to promo the next single (if he even plans to have promo......). fitf + new single promo seems like a bad business decision idk . the streets r saying oct 28th so watch out for that ! (edit: WAIT could be sooner actually???????? excited!!!!!!!)

3. Written All Over Your Face:

"an infectious indie floor-filler... reminiscent of the first two Arctic Monkeys albums", "a song that is as punk as I can get away with" (Euphoria), "punchy energy", "has a slick funky guitar groove"

i was! kinda right, right??? with my initial predictions? it sounds like an argument to me. the peer review results are in, this is the "whiny whore louis song" 😭 the one where his voice is described as "whiny and raspy and... sexual". we already have the lyrics so we know it's not an actual sex song. he starts this song w "hey babe",,, who does that. an arctic monkeys inspired song that's high energy and is paired with a voice that makes you want to bend him over??!??!!? sign me the FUCK up !!!!!!!!!!

4. Face the Music:

"good and bad and right and wrong are stories made up when we are young to scare us" (lyrics), "[this song] took the longest [to complete]"

wait i dont actually know why this song is so high on my list,,,, it's probably bc shes so mysterious and bc we havent heard a lot about her so im very curious. i want this to be a diss track! i think we need more of louis (righteously) talking shit <3 he needs to get angry ! call them out ! if this song's not about a particular relationship,,, maybe it could be about the music industry??? facing the music is having to deal with the consequences of your actions. louis voice: thought-provoking title. i don't have much input on this song but. anyway, this lyric snippet speaks to me in an lgbt way but that's only bc i'm gay 💘

5. That's the Way Love Goes:

"melodic and most tender song", "a little ballad moment", "a non-sexual love between two best friends", "an interesting story, an interesting visual going through the song"

platonic relationships mean the world to me you do not understand... But . i'm a little scared it's going to be another Perfect Now........ ok listen. listen!! louis said he's "confident that this is a song fans are going to adore", and you know he said that with pn,,, i know the themes of both songs are incredibly different, but i don't trust louis' perception of his fans bc i did Not like that song lol. i hope when he means fans, he doesn't mean 1d fans,, my problem with pn was mostly in the concept of the song... the cheesy lyrics werent cutting it for me either,, the melody was alright, but it really did sound like a 1d song. another thought that went through my head (that i mentioned earlier in my initial predictions!) is that it could parallel Only the Brave. i'm loving how louis seems to always end his albums with songs dedicated to love (otb being the unofficial queer love anthem, ttwlg being a louli anthem song ab platonic love). can't wait to hear the lyrics, and the sonic omg it's a ballad ! cant wait to hear how it sounds.

6. Saturdays

"a pretty emotional vocal... I remember being pretty emotional recording the vocals."

"a sad bop",,,, people who've heard it said it was a sad bop !!! saturdays as a title gave me the impression of nostalgia, fun childhood memories kinda thing... saturday cartoons, saturday sleepovers, saturday messing around with friends, just. a fun & cozy vibe i absolutely did not expect a sad one out of this. maybe it's sad nostalgia? some longing? louis also said this was like his top 2 song on fitf, and he said he remembered being emotional while recording the vocals :,o Change vibes tbh but i guess with more melancholy? really like the concept that i completely assumed & literally just made up (lol). watch me be so wrong about this lol😭

7. The Greatest:

"a celebration of [Louis and the fans'] relationship", "specifically written as a tour opener", "propulsive opening track", "musically, it's interesting", "there's probably not another song like that on the record"

so like We Made It !!! immediately, i'm imagining massive drums, massive guitars, loud booming volume at the start of the song and a big chorus that will set the energy for tour way up high. the title feels very grand, so sonically, i'm thinking it will match the title. louis starting an album very strong with The Greatest and then ending with a more mellow one like That's the Way Love Goes is <3

8. Angels Fly:

“Angels Fly” suggest the sort of stadium grandeur we know he’s capable of

what a pretty title. i want this one to be a rock song, or a rock song but like a dance-y one. based on the title alone, initially, i thought this would be like Two of Us, but rn im highly doubting we'll get a heavy grief laden song bc as louis said: "there's a weight to that record [Walls album] emotionally, and I needed to go through that process, but it's not really how I carry myself as a person." so since it probably won't be like tou, and since louis loooves being quirky, he'd probably go the polar opposite of what i expect(ed). i try to outsmart louis but who am i kidding, this man is literally insane i do Not stand a chance. really pretty title though !

9. Chicago:

"it's about a person", "past love story"

lordie it's About A Person,,, 'kay.... "a deep track",,,,, what got jojo wright thinking "who [Chicago] is about, what happened..." yknow, i'm a nosey person; i'm a chismosa- but when it comes to louis' love life, i dont know, i would just... rather stay oblivious lol (given the kind of insane people this fandom has🥴). im absolutely Not looking forward to how #they will twist his lyrics to fit #their narrative. im literally just here for the music, man. well,,, fandom aside, i sense a lot of hurt in this one. louis did say he got emotional while recording this one so there's that. anyway, using songs as proof for thories about an artist's personal life is actually demented literally just enjoy the song and go :)

10. Paradise:

only on faith in the future target exclusive and hmv vinyl deluxe

dave gibson uses the sea as this song's visuals. this one's on the deluxe/exclusive version... dave has been teasing this song since forever, i wonder what it's about. louis wrote Walls, Saved by a Stranger, Chicago, Face the Music, and Out of my System with dave, so already my expections for this song are high!! it's on the deluxe/exclusive, and alongside Copy of a Copy of a Copy! in my mind this one's already a certified banger. louis hasn't acknowledged this song (for now), i don't think..... he's gatekeeping it bc it's just that good i know it.

11. Common People:

"about reconnecting with his roots in Doncaster", "how amazing the people are there",

(lyrics) "when i get lost, i go back to where i started", a song about how his hometown keeps him grounded... maybe he's aiming to make a song that can be played in donny pubs, that'd be cute :) i'm betting on a fun song for this one! originally, bc of the title, i thought this would lean more on social issues bc louis once said he plans on writing those but i think he'll keep it light on this one and focus more on the home feeling. warm, mellow, and cozy— very home-y. a love letter to doncaster :D solidarity, camaraderie, unity sort of thing

12. Holding Onto Heartache:

nothing yet

painful title. louis,,, why hold onto heartache...? i was shocked when these are the words we got after unscrambling. is it cliché to think this one's a ballad? if so then im betting this is the opposite of that lol. rock!! or? a rock ballad maybe??!? dance-y rock ballad??!?? LOL we dont have much info on this one so im really just pulling all this out of my ass.

13. Lucky Again:

leaked last august, nothing official has been released(?)

well, this one got leaked in august and i still have 0 idea what it sounds like or what it could be about. i *have* heard others say that it's really good, or it should've been the lead single as opposed to Bigger Than Me. i don't really want too many songs that talk about romantic love tbh, so im retracting my original prediction & im going to say it's ab his career,,, life in general maybe? feeling lucky again for being given another shot.... at his career.....? he's been using the phrase "i've been lucky enough..." in interviews in regards to things hes done/things he had the opportunity to do so it could relate to that,, guys idk i am just a girl. i feel like this one will knock me off my feet bc i kinda blocked it out; i have been purposefully ignoring it to avoid spoilers😭

14. She is Beauty We are World Class:

"dance genre", was written together with Saturdays and Silver Tongues

the title is definitely the most interesting. i honestly have nooo clue. for some reason, when i search up world class, it directs me to the football definition of world class so 😭 it wouldn't surprise me y'know...... it's a song you can shake your ass to! play this one on football stadiums (just like what didn't happen to kmm lmao)! i personally don't listen to dance music a whole lot but if dmas can change louis' mind then im hoping louis can change mine too. i feel like im giving her a hard time ever since he said this was dance-y, but real talk, i think i'll like her a lot!!! just like all the songs on here i truly feel there won't be a big miss yknow !

15. Headline:

full lyrics

well, we already have the lyrics. i keep trying to make up melodies to match the lyrics for this one (lol) and i already know whatever i come up with will be absolute shit compared to what louis' cooked up. hmmm.... (shitty lyric analysis ahead) "you used to read me like a headline",,,, headlines, well, they're usually bad. or negative is the word. louis has a cynical view on journalism written about him. generally, it seems like he doesn't like them. they're clickbait-y, they're sometimes false, they pull viewers in using shock factor— it doesn't give you the full picture is the thing. being read like a headline sounds awful. this implies his partner doesn't actually know him that well, or has a one-dimensional view of him. the lyrics "so fast to judge in error, you thought you knew me better" support that idea. the opening and ending lyric,,, "sometimes i wake up and i hear you through the silence" and "...wake up and i wish you were beside me",

16. All This Time:

"dance genre"

in my head, it makes perfect sense to group this title with Back To You, Miss You, Always You, and Habit, and All Along🫣 but obviously, i could be completely and embarrassingly wrong. louis is the king of writing songs about missing/going back to toxic, unhealthy relationships and based on the title alone, i think this has similar themes to those songs. this song was described as dance-y though, so i'm really feeling the Always You theme. i don't want AY's "i miss you 🥺, i was so wrong for leaving you🥺" though, i want this one to burn though; i want it to go for the throat. edit: he played this on the listening parties & people said this was actually kind of laid back???? almost lo-fi sound??? alt indie electronica dance?? people who went to the listening parties don't talk about this song much😭 and it's the lowest on my list,,,,, i'm sure it's a great song though!!!!!

[the songs below don't count on the song ranking bc we already heard 'em, so... but here are my thoughts!]

17. Bigger Than Me:

lead single!!! this is my First!!! Ever!!!!! louis official song release🥹🥹🥹 shes very special to me 🫶 tbh i didnt expect this kind of sound for fitf! my first impression of this song was that it sounded like a blend of Walls and Defenceless. it could've easily fit with Walls album, too. it's a really good, upbeat song, im obsessed. i do admit it wasnt love at first listen but that's only bc i expected he'd go for a rocky-er song. the instrumentation is in this one, his vocals, lyrics that actually Mean something,,, mwa chefs kiss! amazing choice for a lead single (but for some reason isn't being pushed by radio lmao.......)

18. Saved by a Stranger:

"vulnerable and poignant"

19. Copy of a Copy of a Copy (Live from Lima):

a moving song, it came at a very unexpected time too (near btm release week, when there was much happiness and excitement about the new era). the lyrics are simple but they weigh heavy on my heart. this being the accompanying song to Bigger Than Me (song about acceptance, healing and growth) is a deliberate choice by louis, and that fact makes me miserable!!!!! i like the themes (ugly face of fame, comfort in anonymity, genuine human connections, and obvious references to depression and suicide) and how it was delivered soo simply but, aaughhHH thinking about this song long enough always puts me to tears :( also i just wanna say,,,, i personally do not think the "she" are the fans like🧍‍♀️ it's a song that portrays fame in quite a negative light, so the fans he earned from that same fame is not what saved him... i think! personally!!! it's someone who doesn't even know who he is "and i wonder if she still remembers me". having a person you do not even know care about your safety and wellbeing only because you share the experience of being human with them. that is just me though so if u disagree and have your own personal meaning to this song, then it's totally fine!!! take what u want from this song. OH and also, it sounds like the guitar part in the afhf doc !

still my number one! the revelation that louis wrote it all by himself is incredibly sexy, and just reaffirms how much of an amazing songwriter he is. the sound editing/production of Bigger Than Me (Live from Milan) was amazing, so i cannot wait how copy (live) will sound!

tbh when i typed it all out as a list and seeing which songs are higher than the other, i feel unsure lol i'm not 100% on it! it's fine though bc i havent heard any of these (except for btm, sbas & coacoac)!!!!!!!! it's going to change drastically once fitf is released anyway <3

my album expectations:

okay,, album expectations/predictions time !

overall genre: grunge-y indie rock, alternative, pop punk, pop rock, soft rock(?), alternative dance(???), some ballads here and there but generally big and loud songs meant for live shows, arenas and stadiums <3

fitf concept will be about: love and healing, growth, and having faith in the future, acceptance, changes, & coming of age,,, i want him to talk some shit too though 👀

i think we'll get 3 singles: (1) Bigger Than Me, & my guesses: (2) Out of My Sytem (3) Lucky Again (starting to really doubt we'd get a third single bc it's so quiet & releasing a single close to the album release is a little dumb i think, but at the same time having only 2 singles feels wrong..... well, this was my original prediction so im sticking w 3 even though it'd be weird to at this point)

this tweet that says with the listening parties, he's letting fans hear the "mid" songs😭 so this means allll the songs he's still gatekeeping from us are his best!!!!! (not saturdays tho bc it's in his top 3... grain of salt bc ik some bitches r liars)

he said it's not as polished as walls, not as heavy emotionally, so i think we'll get an album that's just him having fun with the sounds and trying new things- lighter, more spontaneous & dance-y vibe. he said it would give us hope.

of course, im expecting the lyric quality to be better than walls ! i personally thought otb was his best song lyrically from walls (regardless of the discourse on whether he wrote on it or blah), so i cant wait for him to top that! (im team otb > copy lyrics wise btw)

i still want a song similar to Miss You so he can tour it

i hope we can hear more of louis' vocal range on this album <3 bigger than me already delivered but i need more 😋🤲

i still think the tiny bit the band plays after kmm is actually part of a song from fitf bc apparently louis already finished 99% of it before(!!!) tour started,,, i could be super wrong lol

louis will actually play guitar on stage before the encore i know it bc he told me ;)

i expect to completely fall head over heels in love with this album!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[inosukeslefttoe]

SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro. 

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry. 

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either. 

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.

[words-for-holland]

Christmas Admirers Teaser |T.H.

Pairing: Fratboy!Tom x Reader

Summary:  Tom Holland and Y/N have never crossed each other’s paths in the 3 years of their college career. but can a silly letter change all that? 

Loosely Inspired by Dash & Lily and every other cheesy Hallmark Christmas Rom-Com Movie out there. 

A/N: This wont be a series but this story is going to be really long when it’s done but tbh not sure if Im really like how its coming...Ha...ha.. But I’ll still do a taglist for this when it’s completed so feel free to add yourself if you’d like.

Taglist

Wanna Play a Game?

All it took was one bright red letter and four words to intrigue the most beloved, foreign exchange student of New York University, Tom Holland. If his name sounds familiar to you, then you already know the answer to the question that just popped in your head. Yes, not only was Tom Holland a well renowned actor, he was also a student exploring the wonders of college along with his best friend Harrison. Some say he was only attending to prepare for a role, others say he did it to have his fun with sorority girls, and a very small percentage believed he was actually trying to get his degree in theater. Whatever the reason, college life suited him well, being the head of the Beta Gamma Sigma Fraternity, living the bachelors life with a new girl around his arm every week, but it was all the same...until he found that red letter sticking out of an abandoned shelf in the Potter’s Library.

He remembered it clearly, the day he found it. Tom had reluctantly arrived at the Library assuming his mates would be there to actually study for an exam they had this upcoming week. Lord knows if they didn’t pass this final with at least a C this semester, they would surely relive the nightmares with Professor Gonpu in the next. Yet to no surprise, none of them came and ditched last minute as the pool of messages started to flood his phone.

“Great.” Tom muttered to himself as he took a seat at the far right corner of the library. The area was empty, and as he slouched on the wooden chair and pushed it back, the boy hadn’t realize how close to the empty shelf he was. With a single thud, came a small red letter floating above and gently making its way down to his lap. The inviting words peaked his interest, and while he checked both front and back for a name, the letter should have been addressed to...there was none. He unfolded it and read it to himself.

Do you want a play a game?

You seem like the type of person that has nothing better to do, so let’s make it a little more interesting. I wont tell you who I am, but if I deem you worthy...I just might.

Still with me?

I’ll give you five clues to figure out this location. Everything you need is here in the Library. And...if you even think about using that phone, you might as well put this letter back where you found it. After all.. you’re in a library and it’s got all the information you need. Ready?

Tom looked at it puzzled by the words. “Do people actually do this shit?”, he thought to himself. He continued to read on, examining each clue and the 5 lines next to them.

1. You’ll find your first clue, deals with a tragic romance. He had all the money in the world but never ends up with the one he loves.

“Too easy.” Tom smiled to himself as he quickly looked for The Great Gatsby. He referenced the red letter seeing only 3 spaces for the first clue. “Jay” he whispered to himself, as he triumphantly wrote out the words.

2. Know what else is more shitty than dying and not having the love your life? Writing a depressing poem about the love your life dying. Or as Poe would imagine, a beautiful maiden by the sea.

He smirked at the line, knowing fully well the poem that the mysterious letter was referencing, and quickly headed to the poetry section. Tom scanned the row of books, until the black book with white lettering caught his eye. Flipping through the broken pages, he found exactly what he was looking for. “In this kingdom by the sea, but we loved with a love that was more than love, I and my Annabel Lee.” he muttered the lines, a smile slowly creeping up. Tom writes out the word “Lee” in the 3 lettered blank. “Tragic Romance, how typical.” he says to himself. Though his voice was laced with disinterest, it was Tom’s favorite poem, but he’d never tell anyone that.

It continued on this rhythm of deciphering clues and running around the Library like a chicken without a head to figure out what the letter wanted from Tom. He had been so focused that his plan to study for Gonpu’s final and meeting with the fraternity has completely flown out the window. As of now, Tom’s main priority was to find the answers to the letter’s puzzling challenge. Maybe, if he answered it, he would know who the mysterious writer was.

Then it happened. The last clue was solved, as Tom quickly wrote out the final word, examining his work and trying to make sense of what he found. There were no other instructions left on the letter which only made Tom more puzzled. It wasn’t a name. It wasn’t a thing. It was a place on campus. Jay Lee’s Coffee Lounge, the most serene coffee spot you’ll ever find in NYU. It offered all the essentials needed to focus and complete your work all with a side of great cold brew made in house. People say it’s NYU’s best kept secret, but really it’s because students will rarely go since it’s so out of the way.

He made it to the shop after thirty minutes, and stepped into the calm atmosphere. The smell of gingerbread lattes hit him once he opened the doors, and soft chatter between students filled the air. He looked around the area in hopes to find the person who wrote the letter. Perhaps they were waiting for him, but it was unlikely since Tom wasn’t even sure if the letter was written that same day. For all he knew, he could be wasting his time, and yet....it didnt feel like it. Almost as if he felt he was meant to be here.

“Mate, what are you doing here?!” Tom followed the robust British voice as he whipped his head to the counter. His best friend Harrison, dressed in a Jay Lee’s short sleeved shirt.

“Harrison? You...work here?” He asked voice filled with confusion. Not once did Harrison tell Tom about his side job. In fact it was almost offensive to think the blonde hair bloke would even it hide it from him.

“Yeah...I didn’t really tell anyone because well you know, it’s the last place people would expect a frat to be working in. Reputations and all...What about you? I didn’t think this place was your type of thing.” he asked.

“It’s not...” he paused for a moment, debating on whether to tell Harrison what he found. If it led Tom here, Harrison might know who wrote the letter. He hoped it was girl...God he really hoped it was. “Actually, I was at the library today waiting for you divs --”

“Oh yeah sorry mate.” Harrison looked at Tom apologetically.

“No, its fine really. But I found something interesting, and --”

“Tom, if it’s another blonde wannabe model, I --”

“Bloody hell, Harrison just listen to me. I..” Tom paused for a moment to quickly check his surroundings before pulling up the red paper. “I found this red letter. Made me go on bloody goose chase and led me here. You dont happen to know anything about this do you?”

Harrison took the letter and examined it thoroughly reading the lines word for word and the notes Tom made next to them. He was just as intrigued, but unfortunately shook his head, unsure of the answer to Tom’s question as well. “Sorry, Mate. I have no clue. Never seen anyone here writing out a red letter before.”

Tom held the letter, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Was this it? Did he really just waste a whole 3 hours in the library and 30 minutes worth of gas for nothing? “I just dont understand.” he muttered.

“Look if you really think the person that wrote this letter wanted you to be here, why don’t you just write a message in it and post it on the corkboard? Im working the entire week, so I’ll keep an eye on who grabs it and let you know.“

It didnt seem like a half bad plan, Tom nodded in agreement and grabbed a pen from his bag, writing his reply in the empty space, the mysterious writer was so kind enough to leave. He posted it on the corkboard, and turned back to his friend.

“Dont forget.” Tom pleaded.

“I wont mate.”

[daydream-believin]

The Never-Ending Roadtrip (St. Louis)

summary: (pt 1) Reader joins Douxie in the quest for Nari’s safety. He’ll need company won’t he? - part 4) Doux and Reader get out of Missouri finally but not before one last stop      (part 5)

warnings: swearing

word count: 6205

a/n: im getting a smidge impatient on my planned mutual pining slow burn as you can see. mmm i want a piece of st louis butter cake. @blixeon​ gets credit for putting the douxie trying to keep y/n away from moppet!douxie idea in my head. its not a big plot point here but idk felt i should still mention it

Douxie stared up at the ceiling with dry, unblinking eyes. There were many interesting cracks in the ceiling, barely illuminated by the light streaming in from the bathroom door. He was wide awake, despite not being able to convince himself to move. He was never a morning person, but once he remembered where he was, it was like someone had poured a bucket of ice water on him. Y/n was no longer clinging to him when he woke up, albeit, she was not even in the bed at all when he woke up. That had gave him a fright before he realized he could hear the shower running. Somehow, this was worse than if she’d still been there when he woke up. This meant she woke, untangled herself from him, and was probably going to pretend like it didn’t happen, since she couldn’t possibly know he stayed awake long enough to know about it. Which, while waking up in her arms would have been a little awkward, at least he would have gotten a conversation out of it. An acknowledgement. Something.

Speaking of the shower, somehow that was doing a number on him too. It was so strange. They’ve lived together for years now; they’ve shared a bathroom for years now. He’s heard her shower so many fucking times. No sweat. These feelings were making him silly. Perhaps it was this fucking room. The domesticity of it all, which was a weird thing to say when you literally lived with said person. Yet, he couldn’t stop imagining that he was waking up in His Home, listening to His Wife get ready for work in the en suite of Their Bedroom. She didn’t want to wake him, how sweet. She was always worried about him getting more sleep. He’d go help her with her hair, braid it for her. His hands would run through her soft hair as he styled it. She’d kiss him on the nose before she left to go make him a cup of coffee while he got ready. She knew just how he liked it. They’d brush their teeth together, every morning, just like they did last night.

Bleeding balroths, last night. What was he going to do about last night. His dumb heart wouldn’t just be able to leave well enough alone, apparently. Does he,,, say something? Perhaps he should wait to see if she says something. That would be,, the safer route. He knew one thing for sure though. He wasn’t going to act like he didn’t love every second of it. He’d made up his mind. His life has been way too long and lonely for him to keep this ‘it’s not like I like you’ act up. And for Merlin’s sake, he had died not even three days ago. He had almost been gone, and would have never known the love of his beloved. And family wasn’t just who you have, it was also who you’re with. And he was with Y/n. She was already his family, so why not be his family? Like he dreamed of? Yes, he was going to come clean. If she said something. Yes.

Suddenly, he was aware of a noise. Someone had just knocked on the front door of the room. Or less of a knocking and more of a rapping. Archie’s ear’s flicked, but he didn’t stir. Douxie held his breath. The rapping stopped, but now whoever it was trying to open the door. Thank Merlin he warded that thing up. It couldn’t open from the outside, he made sure of it. The door handle stopped moving. Doux still made no noise. Hopefully whoever or whatever that was had decided to move on to easier prey.

Y/n combed her fingers through her wet hair. It was the best she could do at the moment. She’d try and braid it back while it was still wet, so it wouldn’t get even worse. Y/n pulled on the same clothes she’d been wearing for a week. Well, actually she had been wearing a medieval dress for most of it, but still. She looked in the mirror. Not bad for someone on the run. But they did need to make a shopping trip. As much as Y/n did not want to waste an entire other day to a store (thanks Kmart), and didn’t want to spend more of their small savings they were living off of, they did need some things. Backpacks to keep their few belongings close, one more set of clothes each so they could have something to be wearing while they wash the other set, maybe some pajama pants would be nice, although nonessential, a couple of toothbrushes that weren’t the motel provided ones, plus a tube of toothpaste, soap, a hairbrush, phone chargers, some emergency food that wouldn’t spoil, some reusable water bottles, a fucking first aid kit even, lots of stuff. It’s not like they were able to pack for this trip. Hell, they should probably get Nari an outfit that would cover up her, eh, forest spirit-ness. Her running around in leaves isn’t exactly helping their conspicuousness. Despite Y/n not wanting to add to that list, she sure was getting cold in her short-sleeved top. She needed a jacket. She’d been borrowing Douxie’s a bit for the last few days, but if she just stole it then he would be cold. She needed one of her own, she supposed.

Y/n walked out of the bathroom. Archie and Nari were still snoozing, but Doux looked like he was awake. He sat up as soon as he realized Y/n had come out. He looked, troubled. And he had every right to be, she thought. He had just suffered the loss of his mentor and died himself. He had been blankly staring at the ceiling when she’d first came into the room. He probably had so much on his mind. Thankfully he had Archie and herself. They’d be there for him, she’d make sure of it. It’d be best to give him some more time to think, though. She didn’t want to push too hard. He’d tell her if he was struggling, she was sure of it. He’d been so open lately. And they’d had plenty of talks in the past about not expressing frustrations in their lives. He hadn’t been too open with her when they first started living together and it had made being roommates stressful at first. It wasn’t a problem anymore though. They’d worked through it, and it had even brought them closer.

She told him it was his turn for the bathroom now. He looked like he wanted to say something, but then quietly nodded as he got out of bed and headed for the shower. Strangely, this inn stay has been the most normal things had been all week. It was almost like they were home. She was back in her routine of waking, getting ready, telling Douxie it was his turn to get ready. He was so sweet, he always let her have the bathroom first. So chivalrous, although, she had a sneaking suspicion it was more of his excuse to sleep in a little longer.

It was nice, living with Douxie. It was the first time she’d been on her own. Or, well, not on her own per se, since Douxie was there, but at least away from her aunt. Her aunt had practically raised her, but that didn’t mean she was too grateful for it. She felt guilty about that last part, but not too guilty. Her aunt was pretty cold. It was clear that Y/n was just a charity case to her, a beggar who wouldn’t be looked at twice if not for blood relation. She hadn’t even bothered telling Y/n about their family’s magic until Y/n had stumbled face first into it herself. And even then, she only taught Y/n a minimal number of spells, just enough to control it, so she could successfully hide it. Didn’t need some troublesome untrained wizard ruining the family name and scaring the party guests. Y/n didn’t even know that wizards were pretty much immortal at a certain point until she noticed it herself. The people she had grown up with were all out there getting their pretty adult faces, and she was stuck with a baby face. Her aunt only told her once she questioned it. She was well past being nineteen now, but was going to be stuck like this forever apparently. What a great way to live.

Of course, she was absolutely thrilled when she found out her new roommate was in the same boat as her in that department. It was serendipity. The whole thing with Douxie was perfect, really. She had heard through her friend who worked at Hextech that someone had put up a roommate ad flyer on the company’s bulletin board and she called right away. She hadn’t been having any luck apartment hunting. She couldn’t afford rent on her own with her bookstore job, and Arcadia Oaks wasn’t exactly a college town teeming with people looking for roommates. A wizard roommate would be perfect, and the price was right. So imagine her surprise when said new roommate also turned out to be her boss. Y/n hadn’t even known he was looking for a roommate, let alone that he was a fellow wizard. His old roommate, Jack, had gotten married and moved out last month, he told her. Y/n was surprised at how very easy it was getting into this agreement too, Doux already knew her so he didn’t even interview her. And she didn’t have to worry about new person awkwardness. It really was serendipity. Of course, it hadn’t been all rosy, as mentioned before, but they were really groovin’ together now.

Y/n stretched out on the bed. She could hear the water running through the wall. It had been so awesome living right above her job. She got to sleep in, and she’d get ready, eat some breakfast, and be able to instantly step into the bookstore. She’d never be late ever again. Or she never was late again. That was a depressing thought. But hey, bright side, now they could have all the fun of starting up a new bookstore. Perhaps she could convince Douxie to add on a tea shop this time too. One that had cute little round tables with pretty gingham table cloths and flower vases, filled with flowers that they grew themselves in the pots on their balcony. They’d make sure the new bookstore had a nice window that was meant for a display but they’d leave as a place for Archie to sleep in and make snarky comments as he watched the people go by. Douxie could paint the letters on the signs and window, he was great at that. It’d be a task, but truly, they had to remake their bookstore. Even if not in Arcadia. A new bookstore they could fill up with love, that’d be an idea Y/n could hold on to.

Stars, she loved their bookstore. She loved the smell. She loved the peaceful homey vibe. She loved the man who owned it. Whoops, forget about that last part. She even loved the quirky characters it drew in. One time, she encountered this really crazy lady, and she wasn’t even sure if this lady was real or if she dreamt her, since she was the only witness. But Mordrax’s miracles, was this lady something. It started normally enough, Y/n picking up the store’s landline.

“GDT Arcane Bookstore! Please state your grievances.” She knew in the back of her mind that she was the only person who found her dumb jokes funny, but she still made them to brighten up her own day. Also to piss off Hisirdoux with her unprofessionalism. He made the same passive-aggressive ‘I’m disappointed in you’ face every time. It was fun.

“Yes, Hello. I would like to know if you carry any children’s books.”

“Yes ma’am, we sure do. A whole section.”

“Great. And are you child friendly?”

“Are we-, child friendly? I-, Yes I suppose we are ma’am.”

“Perfect. And you’re open until eight?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Thank you, young lady.”

The whole phone call was odd. Y/n wasn’t too jazzed about being called ‘young lady’ either. She had mocked the lady as soon as the phone call ended, but she shrugged it off, and had forgotten that the whole thing had even happened as she went about her day. Then, at about seven, this lady rolls up. She was dressed to the nines but like, in an old rich person way. Long fur coat, black dress underneath with pearls around her neck. On one arm, she had a fancy purse covered in the logo of a fashion brand Y/n wasn’t going to admit she recognized. In the other, she carried a large porcelain doll, the size of a five-year-old, which was dressed in a frilly pink dress that remined her of the dresses her aunt used to make her wear. When Y/n greeted her, she recognized the voice as the strange caller from earlier. Y/n got the feeling that some sort of shit was about to go down, and couldn’t wait. If only Archie was here.

Fur coat lady sat her doll down on the old loveseat in the sitting area and asked Y/n to keep an eye on the doll while she went to go pick out some books. Emily could be so mischievous sometimes, she told Y/n. She assured fur coat lady that she’d watch Emily like a hawk. The doll’s painted eyes stared into Y/n’s soul. Fur coat lady came back far longer than Y/n was comfortable with. She asked Y/n if Emily had been a good-mannered girl. Y/n just nodded, not sure if she should be encouraging this, on second thought. Fur coat lady then preceded to read the doll nine children’s books in a row, pausing in between only to ask the doll if she had liked it. Y/n was too baffled to even tell this lady to scram, we aren’t a library, you know. It crept closer to eight, and Y/n was actually dreading what was going to happen when she’d have to kick this lady out, but thank the stars, fur coat lady starts telling her doll about how it was close to its bedtime so they couldn’t read any more stories, aww darn, and they had to go now. She thanked Y/n as she walked out of the door. Y/n flipped that closed sign behind her and quickly retreated upstairs for the night. She’d go make a cup of tea to relax her nerves after that encounter. Y/n had plenty of other wild stories of people who’ve stopped by their bookstore. It was great for conversation at parties.

Y/n loved parties. With Douxie came all his friends, and she didn’t mind that one bit. They were always over whenever Doux had time off. It was so nice; it kept their place lively. Y/n cooked and baked a lot, it was one of those skills her aunt insist she have, and having so many mouths to enjoy her food felt good. And whether it was band practice or game night, she was happy to play hostess. Douxie’s friends were fun to talk to. She suddenly had the freedom to invite her own friends over too. Having so many people around all the time had helped her loneliness big time when she first moved in. Her aunt’s house may have been big, but it was empty. Her aunt threw a fancy party a month, but none of the people there were people worth talking to. It was so cold. Their apartment was warm.

Honestly, as insane as it was to think about, Y/n couldn’t see herself ever leaving Douxie to live on her own anymore. At first, this arrangement was supposed to be a temporary thing until she could find a better job and go off on her own. But somehow along the way, ‘the apartment we share’ became Their Apartment, and the bookstore that she happened to operate with him became Their Bookstore. It was nuts, and also the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to Y/n. It was the home she’d never had. Douxie and Archie were her family. Way more so than her aunt ever was. It was beautiful, magical, marvelous. She no longer worked, she just lived. Hell, she couldn’t even remember the last time Doux had formally assigned her a shift. She was just kind of always there. Which she was glad to do. She loved it. And when it was time to stop working, she’d just head upstairs and get to spend even more time with her favourite person. That is, if he wasn’t on one of his bistro shifts. She felt so safe and cared for. She no longer felt alone.

If Douxie wanted to make that, how you say, a little more official, Y/n wouldn’t be opposed to that. She had a hunch that he had some sort of feelings for her, if his recent actions were anything to go by. Although, just like she didn’t want to push him about the angst feelings, she didn’t want to push him in these feelings either. He’d tell her when he was good and ready. Slow and steady wins the race after all. Besides, if she was wrong and he didn’t have feelings for her, she’d definitely be tossing this good thing they had going out the window directly into the dumpster. She had to admit though, waking up this morning cuddled into him was the loveliest way she’d ever woken up in her life. She could get used to that.

She wondered if Douxie would be a wedding person or an elopement person. Not that she expected him to marry her. But it would be nice. She rolled over and found her phone on the nightstand. There wasn’t any harm in looking at some wedding dresses, right? Just in case. Y/n listened to Nari yawn and shuffle over to the bed. She opened an arm for the forest child who snuggled in, curious at what Y/n was looking at. Y/n tilted the phone for her to see. Nari really liked the poufy dresses. She’d point excitedly to the one’s she thought were pretty while Y/n scrolled. While Y/n wasn’t a fan of big frilly stuff herself, she had to admit, those poufy dresses would make her feel like Cinderella, which was never something she’d have thought appealing, but somehow it was. There were some really gorgeous not poufy ones also, and even a cool black one. Some that Douxie might like too. Y/n leaned more towards those, but wasn’t gonna tell Nari that. The veggie lady sure was having as much fun as her right now, surprisingly. Hopefully she wouldn’t blab any of this to Hisirdoux though.

Speak of the devil, he came out of the bathroom and sat on the end of the bed. Y/n quickly closed the app she was scrolling through. She sat up, taking Nari with her. Archie yawned and stretched, after sensing movement in the room. He moved from the chair into Douxie’s lap. After giving Arch a good scratch behind the ears, Douxie turned to Y/n.

“So, what’s today’s itinerary?”

“I-, wait, why do I have to be the one who decides what we do?”

“Because you’re the one who likes to have a plan when it comes to these things.”

“Fair enough.” Y/n pulled up google maps. If she had known she would have to do this she would have done it while he got dressed instead of fantasizing about their wedding. “Okay, so as much as I hate to say this, but we gotta go back to the store today.”

Douxie groaned as he laid back. His still wet hair was gonna dry funky like this, but he didn’t care. “Fine. We’ll do that in Illinois. We gotta get out of this town before anything else.”

“I agree,” she paused, seeing something that caught her eye. It would be frivolous, but she couldn’t help herself from asking “Ooh! Can we stop in St. Louis?”

“St. Louis?”

“Yeah! It’ll be fun, Douxie. We can go sit in those cafés that people go to in the black and white movies, we can go take a cheesy tourist picture of us by the arch thing, and I’m really craving some St. Louis butter cake now.”

Doux laughed. “Okay, but only for a few hours, Love.” The least he could do was let her have a little down time to relax and have fun after this hell week. Highly populated cities were good for throwing off their scent too.

“Thank you,” she went back to her map, snickering, “And we’ll stop in Effingham to shop.” She snorted.

“Effingham?” Douxie said it correctly, in his proper accent, which was not as amusing.

“Effing. Ham. Baby.” He rolled his eyes.

They booked it out of that motel and out of that town. Douxie all but tossed the room key into the creepy innkeeper’s hands as they rushed out. Back on the boat, safe at last. He ran a mental headcount once they boarded. Y/n always held Nari’s hand when they went places, so they wouldn’t have to worry about her wandering off, but it still made Douxie feel better to go over his tiny mental list and make sure they were both still safe and with him. Archie, he didn’t have to worry about as much. Even if the cat-dragon wandered he’d always come back. He could track Douxie by scent for a hundred miles too. Y/n had a habit of getting lost, though. He had to keep an eye on her. He didn’t need her and Nari off in fairyland where the Order could find and abduct them at any given time.

Douxie’s hair had still been damp when they set off, but the wind took care of that for him. Sure, wind-tousled bangs were in, but not bangs tousled by real wind. He was sure he was rocking it though. He could pass it off as something he did on purpose. People already thought his relatively tame style was outlandish, they’d just think the messy hair was part of the look. His only qualm was Y/n. He didn’t want to embarrass himself to her any further. His Camelot self already inflicted so much damage in that department this week. That moppet with a man bun had messed up spells, quoted sappy poetry to her, bragged about being Merlin’s apprentice, and even tried serenading her with his lute in attempts to impress her. It was mortifying. He had spent the first part of their Camelot adventure distracted by having to keep Y/n away from his younger self. It was not good for the whole ‘save time’ mission. Thankfully, he had Claire there with him, who had agreed to help him once she had buggered the information out of him. Thank Merlin for nosy teen girls. Claire was a godsend.

He had to admit, he was a smidge disappointed that she didn’t bring up the cuddling. Y/n hadn’t even made a joking reference to it in passing. He would have to bring it up then. But when, how? It wasn’t exactly something that would come up in natural conversation.

He watched her, hanging over the ship’s railing again. They passed a field with some cows and she made sure to point at them and say cows. He smiled at that; Y/n always managed to make him smile. He could recall how bad he had felt when Jack left and he thought he was going to have to fire her, his only employee, to keep up with rent. He had asked Zoe if he could put up a flyer in Hextech in a desperate attempt to find someone before that had to happen. And low and behold, among the three answers he got to the ad was miss L/n herself. It was an easy decision really, and it took away the uncertainty since he knew she was someone that he already liked. As a bonus, Y/n didn’t have a familiar of her own that might fight with Archie, because let’s be real, as much as Douxie loved Archie, the dragon-cat wasn’t afraid of stepping on toes. Although, it did feel kind of strange to give Y/n her paycheck and then for her to hand a little more than half of it back to him on rent day. But it just worked.

He remembered the first time he walked by the fridge to see that not only had Y/n added some fridge magnets to the kitchen, but she had taken the time to write a message to him. It, um, was sort of a rude note, meant to tease, an inside joke. Which he thought was funny, he just wished Zoe hadn’t seen it. It was hard to explain, and Zoe never let him hear the end of it. Archie got a kick out of it too. Y/n would switch the message almost daily, and it never failed to make him smile. He still had to deal with his friends seeing them and teasing him about it, but he’d never change her magnet jokes for anything. They would stay there until she replaced them with equally embarrassing messages meant just for him. It felt sweet to know someone was thinking about him enough to come up words meant to make him laugh on a daily basis.

They had just passed by a town called Eureka, which meant they were coming up on St. Louis. Good. Douxie couldn’t wait for lunch. He had the appetite of a winning fat bear these past few days. Probably the stress. That butter cake Y/n had mentioned was sounding so tasty. He could almost smell it. What Douxie hadn’t considered when he agreed to this was that the magic flying ship couldn’t go through metropolitan areas. Well, it could, but it’d be seen. So despite his growling stomach, he wound up taking the ship around the entire concrete jungle of Missouri, staying in the forested areas. He figured he could park the boat over in Illinois, just outside of St. Louis. This added a whole other hour to the trip than he was expecting, but now at least he knew to take large cities into consideration when choosing routes.

After hiding the boat in a heavily wooded area, the four took the bus into downtown. So when Y/n said she wanted to go to an old café from a movie, she had meant a very specific old café from a specific movie. She had told him it wasn’t a big deal and there were plenty of other cafes, but Douxie was gonna get her there by golly. And he did. The happiness written on her face was worth the extra bus miles. And wow, this café had some delicious food. They had salmon, which Archie enjoyed a little more than usual. Said something about paying himself back. As if he paid for anything, being a cat. That St. Louis butter cake did not disappoint. Archie was pretty fond of the cake too. It was too sweet for Nari, though. Y/n savored every bite. Doux watched her, while he ate his own, and it was so cute how smiley this was making her. He’d learn the recipe for this cake so he could make it for her once they got… home.

Douxie was still trying to shake off that depressing thought when Y/n finished up and was already trying to get the move on. Not without getting a picture first, of course. Not satisfied with just the scenery of the café itself, she begged Douxie to pose for her in various spots around it. He obliged, despite his scruffy appearance. She didn’t think he was that scruffy, and what was better than pictures of her favourite person in a cool place she’d always wanted to go. She also snapped one of Archie to post to her cat insta she secretly kept of him. Douxie knew about it, and contributed pictures to it himself, but neither of them were about to tell Archie he was internet famous as archie_the_emo_kitty. These pictures were going to hold good memories in them. All pictures do.

There was one more photo Y/n wanted to get. Silly cliché tourist picture with the gateway arch in the background. She wanted at least one of just her and Douxie, after the group photo. She’d have to somehow get one of Archie too, since she wasn’t about to pass up the chance to make a pun in the caption about Archie being in front of the arch. As she pulled Douxie close to get the picture, she got an idea. She asked him if they could get just one more. He was holding the phone since his arms were longer so he was able to get better angles with them both in it. He agreed, happy to do anything to keep that grin on her face longer. This time, when he leaned down to make their faces closer together, Y/n gave him a kiss on the cheek. The shutter snapped. Look, she wasn’t going to push, but she could nudge. Y/n pulled away and grabbed the phone to look at how it turned out, so cute, and Douxie just stayed there, leaning over, still as a statue, with wide eyes.

“Did you just- k-kiss me?” He didn’t so ecstatic. Maybe she was reading him wrong after all. Okay, time to deny.

“Yeah, it was just a cheek kiss, Doux. It was a cute pose for our picture, see,” She showed him the picture. A perfectly captured moment where they looked so happy. Where her lips would forever be on his still burning face. “Friends do it all the time.”

“Oh. Ah, okay.” That sounded disappointed, and his face wasn’t the picture of joy before, but now he just looked crestfallen. Okay so she wasn’t reading him wrong before. Good to know. She’d,, have to fix this now. She casually grabbed his hand and laced their fingers. That got him looking back up from the ground.

“C’mon, we’ve got about ten minutes to catch the next bus.”

~ ~ ~

Effingham was a quaint place. Y/n had only chosen it for it’s funny name, but it was surprisingly pretty okay. It was home to the world’s largest cross. Which would be cool, for it’s target audience, Y/n supposed. And they had a train depot. Fun. And exactly one singular popular restaurant. Which wasn’t that much more than Arcadia had, Y/n had to give it to them. They were in this tiny little mall, to see about finding some spare clothes. Y/n stopped dead in her tracks to gawk at a store that’s sign identified itself as Rural King. She tugged Douxie’s hand.

“Oh we gotta go in there.”

Douxie took one look at it and shook his head, “Are you really going to drag us into a hunting store just because it has a silly name?”

“No, I guess not,” Y/n took one last look at the place, “Can I at least get a pic of you posing in front of it?”

“Fine.” Douxie suppressed a grin as he complied with her silly request.

Once they got into a real store though, Douxie leaned over to Y/n to tell her something without the clerk hearing. “Oh, I’ve been meaning to tell you, I’ve got an appearance modifier spell I’ve perfected over the years. We’re not actually here to buy anything, just get some inspiration.”

Y/n nodded, fascinated. Well, that’ll take care of the extra spending problems. Now came the fun part, finding a new look for Nari. Speaking of whom, she was over at a rack, trying on those fake fashion glasses without real lenses in them. She looked really cute in every pair she tried on, and they helped obscure her face. Good. She really took a liking to this square tortoiseshell pair. Y/n took a mental note. It was going to be getting cold soon, and plants tend to freeze in the cold, so they took the veggie lady over to go check out the winter coats. Nari picked out a puffer that looked pretty comfy, but she didn’t like that it was red. It reminded her of Bellroc. Douxie assured her that the one he’d make could be any color she liked. Not surprisingly, she wanted it to be green.

Y/n just decided on a simple outfit for herself, consisting of a black and white striped long-sleeved tee, a black short sleeve tee to layer over that, and a classic pair of jeans. It was easy, comfortable, and didn’t draw much attention. A band kid staple too. Nari wanted to be similar to Y/n and also decided on a striped tee and jeans to go under her coat. Now they just needed to find her something to contain that gorgeous head of grass. Y/n glanced over to see Douxie trying on a cap in the hat section. Perfect. They’d make her a hat. It’d be a big hat, but nothing too much.

Douxie actually did buy a couple of backpacks from the shop. Y/n was a bit confused but he told her how for some reason he couldn’t enchant something that was technically an illusion itself so he had to buy physical bags since he wanted to enchant them to be infinite vessels or something. Y/n nodded. This was interesting. She was pretty good at the magic she did know but it was mostly by instinct. No one had really taught her the technical side of it like this. She never really knew how stuff worked, just that it worked. They headed to the dollar store after finishing up with the clothing, which surprisingly, this little mall had in it for some reason. They quickly found all those necessity items they needed and got out of there fast. They were burning daylight after all.

Once back at the boat, greeted by Archie who was glad they came back within a decent time this go around, Douxie got to work. First, he enchanted those backpacks. Y/n watched his every move, fascinated, and taking mental notes. He stuffed the supplies into the bags, making sure each had emergency food and medicine just in case they’d ever get separated. The first aid kits were a great idea, considering he didn’t know much healing magic himself and Y/n could only do a temporary pain relief spell. Having stuff to bandage up wounds in their bags made Douxie feel slightly better.

Y/n filled Douxie in on the specifics of Nari chosen disguise, and he set to work on that. It came out pretty cute. Nari liked her new duds, taking her time to look over herself. Y/n handed the veggie lady her phone with the front facing camera on so Nari could use it as a mirror. She really liked that. Y/n snickered at Nari trying out different angles.

He moved onto Y/n. He didn’t magically fairy godmother her like he did the forest child, he just made her a spare set of clothes to go in that backpack. He made them according to her request, but paused at the tee shirt. “Do you want me to put a logo or something on this?”

Y/n twirled her hair around her finger. “Hmm. I’m thinking, Ash Dispersal Pattern. They’re my favourite band, ever heard of them?”

Douxie laughed as conjured up the tee. He picked one of his favourite designs from past merch. It could be considered vintage now, but it wasn’t that long ago to Doux. He fancied the idea of getting to see her in his merch a lot more now. She did have one of their tee shirts back in the bookstore, but she didn’t wear it often as it was in rotation with other band’s tees. He didn’t have competition anymore, it seems. He grinned as finished up.

“Anything else?”

“Yes, actually. Now that I know you can just magic up clothes for yourself, I would like your hoodie.”

“I can make you a hoodie like thi-“

“No, no, I want the one you’re wearing, thank you. It’s warm and familiar and it smells like you.” She said half-joking, half-serious. “It would make me feel safer.”

Douxie couldn’t believe what he was hearing. In fact some part of him thought he may have just daydreamed that. He wordlessly forked over the hoodie. She took it merrily and put it on, giving it a sniff for good measure. Now he really was daydreaming.

“Thank you, Dewdrop!” Oh, he had a pet name now. He’d hadn’t heard that one yet. Frisky people had called him all sorts of strange and embarrassing things over the centuries. But this one was a first. He guessed it was a play on his name. Dewdrop, ay? That was so soft and sweet. A shiny little dewdrop, the first thing you see in the morning. Ah. It seems that miss L/n was plotting to kill him. She was succeeding.

[pinkykitten]

everything stays

chapter 1 - blood on her hands :: gisela klein [ an aot oc story ] 

note: hey guys i know its been a rlly long time since ive posted anything and u may be rlly let down and underwhelmed that ive chosen to write a aot oc instead of fanfic but its what i want to write and i rlly love my oc and wanna give her some love and some praise and let u a little in how i see her. im sorry i havent posted a lot im going to try to write more and who knows i may or may not finish this but its ok imma try lol but life sometimes is a butthole. i hope you love her as much as i do an tysm for taking time out of ur day to read this story. enjoy!

Even though she knew that this day would have to come and that it was near, it still was a surprise for her. She was taken aback. It didn’t make sense and add up to her; she was trained for this since she was little; preparing mentally and physically for phase one of the plan; and the day appeared through the trees; past the wall; the opportunity was present; the fate of the people were waiting in their hands; and yet she felt a sense of evilness within her heart. Was this right? But there was no time. 

The day was written down in history. The stories were spread around like a disease. Heights, jaws, teeth, feet, stench, the screams. If they survived that nightmare they were seen as a tough soldier; as someone that was applauded because they probably had PTSD and had to see everyday as a reason within themselves or God that they were alive. That maybe just maybe they were saved for a reason; for a purpose. That is what Gisela Klein thought. Maybe there was something greater out there for her to do, to accomplish and that was why she saw another day; breathed another breath. 

But one thing was for sure. Forgiveness would never come her way; she would never expect it. To be a warrior she had to endure the horror; the pain; feelings of worthlessness; and friendships lost. 

This is the story of the 10th finding titan; the Slash Titan.

The pounding of her heart rang through her ears. It had taken everything for her to keep going on this journey; to continue on the path to and through Hell. She felt a loss within her and the light in her eyes died out. The loss of her friend made it hard for her to function. To keep her head in the game and in the plan. 

She sighed as she stared at her hands. Broken and bruised like her heart; scars and scratches scattered on her skin. Her bite mark deeply engraved into her flesh. She heaved a huge sigh. Ready to give death a handshake and make a deal with the devil. Panic was rising in her chest from her stomach, almost ready to throw up. 

As she thought about her family back home she realized there was no other way; she had to do this. In order to be with her family, to save them she had to do the one thing she was trained to do. 

Kill.

A lightning strike shot over the wall. The wall that kept the monsters away and at bay. Something was wrong; the air seemed to change. The lightning strike caused a boom, clap and the ground started to shake. 

Bertholdt drew his leg back and with full force swung his leg forward, knocking a hole into the wall that was impenetrable. Many people flew back from the wind of the blow and some were crushed by the debris of the wall. 

Many were going to die; but it’s what needed to be done. 

The titans were called. 

Finally the titans entered the devils homes and started to rip up their lives. “This is right, this is right.” Gisela had to keep reminding herself. “For my family.” And something snapped within her. The image of her mother, tortured, flashed in her mind. And suddenly everything was worth it. “No regrets.”

Gisela eyed Reiner, an agreement, a sign. She exhaled and in a quick motion placed her hand to her mouth and bit into it. In a spark she transformed into her titan form. Her eyes were much like a cats, sharp. She was made into the slash titan, she was chosen for this program. Her titans fingers were like sharp knives, able to cut any object or person. They hung a little past her knees. 

Reiner then transformed and both stomped past the hole. Many citizens glanced up, horrified. Gisela and Reiner were titans never seen before. 

She nodded to Reiner, bent down and started to pick up debris and pieces of houses to throw over the bigger wall. The chunks started to smash against people. Blood splattering everywhere. Gisela almost wanted to close her eyes from the immense amount of dead bodies piled on top of others, graves upon graves. 

She was hauling boulders as high and fast as she could. Her titan held a high amount of power and strength. Being slim, muscular and as tall as the armored titan and female titan. Reiner took a step back and gained his speed to go onward to destroy the bigger wall. 

“Fire!” Their soldiers cried out. Fear evident on their face. They shot their cannons, not even slowing down Reiner. Gisela continued flinging, wanting to create a path for Reiner. She was faster than before and many of her hits flattened the men in the front lines. Their screams and cries loud. 

“Close the gate!” They tried, it was their last hope to save humanity. But it was not enough. Reiner broke the wall and killed those running and they went flying. They reached even higher than Gisela. It astounded her almost, they seemed like helpless birds flying high in the sky; but that thought was quickly wiped clean because the second they flew up in the air they came straight down with much force that many parts of their bodies broke. 

Reiner did what he needed to do, he opened up a way for the titans to get in and they were swarming by the bunches. 

In the distance, the survivors fled in boats across the river to get into the other walls. Gisela put herself in their shoes for a second. They had reason to be scared. Everything they have ever known was gone; their houses, loved ones, food, a place to feel the most comfortable you can feel despite situations; it was all gone. Gisela shook the thought out, not caring about these cruel humans feelings. They had none. No emotions. Gisela had to believe that thought; what she was told, she had to believe it with all her heart, or else what was real?

They waited till they were able to not be seen and Gisela turned human first and then so did Reiner. The four of them hopped on the boat. Talking amongst themselves. The wind howled through the vacant homes. Destruction everywhere. Gisela looked around her setting and saw a little girl had been crushed because a tree fell on her, her doll mere inches away from her grasp. She died with her eyes open; almost looking into Gisela’s soul through the eyes. Gisela’s body trembled and she threw up. 

“Don’t.”

Gisela looked up to see Reiner wiping blood and debris off his clothes. He picked his sleeve and turned Gisela’s head to look away, he wiped her chin and mouth off the puke. He saw the trauma in her eyes and felt guilty. But it’s what needed to be done. He kept telling himself that the more he did this the more he would understand and get used to it. It was still all new to her and he had to be strong for her. He knelt in front of her small frame. “It’s not your fault. They needed to die. We are in this together. You don’t need them. Look at me.”

Gisela looked into his eyes, away from the sadness. His eyes carried the feeling of wanting to be wanted. That was always what Reiner wanted. But they also had fear in his eyes. 

“Stop acting like you’re in control when I know how sick you feel. I know how afraid you are Reiner.”

He paused and took a look at his hands and others surrounding him. “You’re right. But I made a promise to Marcel.”

They joined the other citizens arriving at the food reserves. The master of disguise was needed in this mission. People needed to see four hungry, depressed children that survived the fall of their homes, not mass murderers. 

Annie was only able to fetch two loaves. “Alright, who's the most hungry?”

“You girls should eat, you’re more feeble.” Bertholdt sat on a crate, pointing to Gisela and Annie. 

Annie tsked, moving a bang from her eyes, “who says girls are more feeble? I recall kicking your ass all those times in training.”

“You guys can eat it, I’m not hungry.” Gisela sat on the other crate and saw the chaos of the crowds. A boy caught her interest. He had dark brown hair, tan skin, and light blue green eyes. He was having bread shoved in his mouth and he seemed to have such a strong personality to him. If only Gisela felt so strongly about her motive and her placement in this life. 

“You really should eat, you need your energy after all you did.” Annie broke all the loaves in half and shared it amongst the four of you. “It’s not much but at least it's something.”

Gisela sighed, “you’re right. Thanks.”

After that day there was land given to only a few refugees but there were too many of them. Luckily the four of them had a piece of land that was enough until further inching themselves within society. Through that whole span each day was getting easier and easier living with the lies and day by day Gisela felt more at sure with herself and knowing that she could fulfill this mission. Pills and alcohol helped the pain and ease the thoughts. She taught herself to put a gap between what she came here to do and feelings. She told herself every day that nobody else mattered except her family and Reiner. She trained her brain to not care, to not have strings attached or any love for anything. It was all a play, all a rehearsal for when the curtain would fall. She was readying herself for that fall. Everyday she educated herself more on these scums. What they liked, wanted, needed, craved for, and what they craved more than ever in their life was freedom. 

She trained her body as if it were her last day, barely getting sleep. The face of her mother haunting her every night making her get up at three in the morning to do pushups or sit ups. Not only was her mind getting stronger but also her body. Even Reiner would make jokes noticing the muscles that would appear. The six pack that formed on her stomach. Her thighs growing tight and firm, her arms growing stronger. The sweat growing on her forehead longer. 

With her body growing her relationship with Reiner also changed. They no longer were the tiny children that didn’t understand anatomy or the air between two people. Reiner and Gisela’s relationship was of being flirty, sharing a few kisses here and there, trying to be a couple but then yelling at each other and breaking it up and realizing maybe this isn’t right a million times. Even Bertholdt and Annie were getting tired of their outbursts. But each time they made up to be friends only and then the cycle started where the feelings came in the way and they wanted to be more. They would tease each other, especially Reiner. They were each other's best friends. Gisela was like one of the boys, loud, obnoxious, burping all the time, Reiner would get a look at her and smirk thinking he taught her well. When Reiner looked at her he felt at home and that everything was going to be okay. Her nightmares continued and each time Reiner would come to her room and hold her, let her cry into his arms. She felt he was the only person that knew her pain. 

Gisela understood many things in life and for once she understood her life here, she understood why she was born and chosen. 

It was the following year and in order to get closer to finding the founding titan the four became part of the 104th cadet corps. 

“Are you ready to train more?” Gisela nudged Reiner, eyebrow raised.

“What do you mean train more? This is going to be a new but scary experience honestly.” Reiner spoke as if he was a different person. As if he didn’t have a life outside of the walls. 

“Reiner?” Gisela placed her hand on his shoulder, steadying him. He looked fine on the outside but Gisela knew the issues were inside, his mind. She knew this was becoming disastrous to him, he was starting to have almost two personalities, two lives, two worlds, two people. Gisela tried to tell Annie or Bertholdt, they saw it too but there was nothing they could do. 

All that Gisela could do was smile as they made their way to the first day of training. 

note: again ty y’all sm!!!! If u liked it lmk and this is kinda new for me cuz I usually don’t post my ocs stories here or much at all but I’m rlly excited for y’all to see her and for y’all to know this oc of mine and hopefully accept her ❤️

Taglist: @witchofinterest @chlobenet @eddysocs @fpxloomis @whctsherncme-archive @ocfairygodmother @fandomchick80 @ocappreciationtag

[cowboy]

what are your like top 10 oM songs?

this is SUPER hard to answer so I’m gonna try to be accurate but this also changes very often. but also I’m just gonna go with my long term favorites. in no particular order bc i don’t think i could put one as number one

1. anyway just kidding my number one of all time is Party’s Crashing Us no contest. this is because it was the first song i ever heard of theirs, and I really only had heard sunlandic twins because it was the one my sibling played the most. (I started liking oM because of my sibling lol). It just makes me so happy and sad at the same time it’s such a beautiful song. I only feel alive when the vus flashing.. alarms going off in my heaaadd.. i wanna grab you and just kiss you maybe i should sit down no sense in cashing us nowww..... the partys crashing us nowww....

2. okay from now on actually in no particular order, an elurdian instance is still one of my favorite songs, and the one people tend to say is a “very me” song. although it’s really hard to choose off of skeletal lamping bc that used to be my favorite album of theirs for like a couple years. anyway it’s such a nostalgic song.. the bit about the mountain goats and the last summer as independents and stuff always makes me so ;_;

3. we will commit wolf murder I swear to fucking god it’s SO good. I’m considered ugly from every angle... youre the only beauty i don’t wanna strangle... the lyrics are beyond amazing and like his voice is so soft and he doesn’t overdo the falsetto (though his falsetto is always good). and i dont even dislike the weird ending which i usually do (he overdoes it on this album too but im aware shes just that kind of girl and has to do the weird artsy instrumentals). good fucking song

4. speaking of paralytics stalks, what an UNDERRATED ALBUM. I LOVE dour percentage. “this planet is an orphanage” is such a good line also his falsetto here is extremely good. i love singing to this song. he also wrote it about a friend breakup which i love and well it’s just a good song. I’m also gonna have this be a tie with malefic dowery which has a similar vibe; so soft and singable...

5. ok paralytic stalks again maybe but spiteful intervention is easily possibly my second favorite song of theirs. the beginning makes me acutlaly insane. i used to listen to it at 5 AM on my way to work on the freeway and hearing him say “oh god the morning light, sunrays bring my paranoia, I CAN’T FUNCTION UNLESS I’M THE ONLY ONE -- AWAKE” literally unlocked something inside of me. SUCH a good song

I’m manic right now

6. faberge falls for shuggie thank you very much. hissing fauna used to be my favorite album for a very long time and the intro to this song would just live in my mind forever. i love his screaming/yelling and weird voice in this one. he’s like speaking to himself in it (did shuggie do it yet? no. not yet) and i love when he does that shit. the instrumentals are so good. and the scream bit at around 2:00 is so delightful.

i’m starting to realize i don’t actually know my top ten favorites and i have like top 20 actually. this is hard

7. i have to add in some satanic panic of course, so climb the ladder is on here. he has such a sweet little gift for making such nice love songs. i also love lysergic bliss of course but i think a lot of the songs off that album are so underrated including this song. wahh

8. sleeping in the beetle bug!! such a delightful tune and i love the key it’s in. i love cherry peel. the lyrics are so funny and the breakdown in the song is great. he is so good at guitar man

9. stag to the stable is my #1 lyrical depression song what a GOOD song to have a little breakdown to. rune husk is such a sexy EP too. i want the cover on a shirt

i’m extending this to 12 songs i really dont care sorry

10. Empyrean Abattoir. this album is an underrated basic rock album of his but this song in particular does something to my brain... the breakdown is also super good on this. when he transitions between the softer mellower parts into the yelling... the beginning is still my favorite part though . TBQH

11. feminine effects is such a sweet little song and the “bobby baby” makes my heart go SOFT so so so soft. i dont know who the vocalist is but I LOVE her voice. i think shes the one on lousy with sylvianbriar as well? is that nina?? anywho. WAIT SPEAKING OF NINA shoutout to heimsdalgate like a promethean curse i love that line. dancing to this song live is like crack to me. i shout the lyrics every time

12. tie between triumph of disintegration, imbecile rages, and raindrop in my skull off of lousy. what a great country-esque album. i always listen to it when i’m chillliing. raindrop in my skull is one of my favorites because the aforementioned singer has such a nice voice.

(shoutout to miss blonde your papa is failing for being the saddest fucking song of all time)

okay so the rest of his albums are pretty poppy and i love pretty much all of them (except ur fun . ur fun sucks) but there arent top 10 favorites on them really. i will say i love IFSWYT and i think there are some songs that might become a top 10/20 song if i get more time with them. well anyway. sorry for the ranting but i love all these songs so much. god bless