#ALL THE WAY IN THE TOMORROW FUTURE
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yeah..................
#drew this last night as images of sugarplum kyorbs danced in my head#will my vision come true?#will the devs surprise me in an excellent way?#i guess i'll find out tomorrow.......#i have the image of kuya teaching garu how to keep his fur all nice and shiny#and now he's teaching yakumo how to take care of unruly long yokai hair#how generous... how kindly and wise master kuya is.#he has kyorb fairies at his disposal bc he doesn't want to use his actual hands for anything LOL#kyorbs and a singular extremely pugnacious kyube perhaps#wait... how about kyones#pronounced kee-oh-nehs for the flair of it#basic 3D shaped kyuuuyajs dancing in the air... teaching the children at the church orphanage about geometry#YES.... THIS IS THE FUTURE I WANT#nu carnival yakumo#nu carnival kuya#yakuya
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PLEASE MORE BUTTERFLY HOWDY CONTENT HES SO FUCKING SILLY
OKAY HERE'S A COMIC SHENANIGANS THING
#this looks best if you click through instead of scrolling#which is kind of stupid to say After The Post. but yk.#spent way too long on this. worth it tho#its always worth it For The Bit#and this was good practice! ty for the opportunity!#the version of butterfly!howdy i have in my head is. hes a lot. i love him <3#scribble salad#welcome home#welcome home puppet show#howdy pillar#yassified howdy <3#i am so so so soooo tempted to make a butterfly howdy tag just to compile it all#i love compiling things. i like having specific collections In One Uninterrupted Place#alright well my hand hurts and its 5 am so im gonna queue this and go sleepies#wait fuck whats in the queue for tomorrow. today.#hm... ok this is a sunday post then. tomorrow is Booked#yall get a brief break from the butterfly howdy shenanigans#*got. im speaking to future people from the past rn. wild. ty tumblr for allowing time travel#its a tangled mess of yarn anyways#i am once again So Tempted To Write For This#perhaps one day i will fulfill my dream of writing a fic about howdy chrysalizing. metamorphosizing. whatever#id make it slowburn laughingstock perhaps... Probably.... i care them too much not too....#something for future me to enjoy! as a treat <3
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PLEASE DO NOT TAG AS YOUR OWN OC OR PAIRING.
Nathan and Ruben share a bond more powerful than most; mutual understanding through past experiences no one should ever have to go through, and through past actions so horrible they cannot be spoken of. Their grief and the blood on their hands binds them to the STEM technology they created, which has alienated them from the rest of the world— but they give each other the comfort they have both longed for so desperately for years, and that is all they need. They are each other's counterpart; you cannot imagine one without the other, like two sides of the same coin. Through their pain, their grief, their desire, and their regret, they have become one.
anna akhmatova, the guest // bones; equinox // 'i won't become' by kim jakobsson // agustín gómez-arcos, the carnivorous lamb // by oxy // achilles come down; gang of youths // czeslaw milosz, from 'new and collected poems: 1931-2001' // 'extended ambience portrait from a resonant biostructure' and 'migraine tenfold times ten' by daniel vega // a little death; the neighbourhood // marina tsvetaeva, from 'poem of the end' // by drummnist // katie maria, winter // 'nocturne in black and gold the falling rocket' by james abbott mcneill whistler // micah nemerever, these violent delights // body language; we are fury // 'the penitent' by emil melmoth // chelsea dingman, from 'of those who can't afford to be gentle'
taglist (opt in/out)
@shellibisshe, @florbelles, @ncytiri, @hibernationsuit, @stars-of-the-heart;
@lestatlioncunt, @katsigian, @radioactiveshitstorm, @estevnys, @adelaidedrubman;
@celticwoman, @rindemption, @carlosoliveiraa, @noirapocalypto, @dickytwister;
@killerspinal, @euryalex, @ri-a-rose, @velocitic, @thedeadthree
#tew#edit:nathan#nuclearocs#nuclearedits#so much shame in my body but still used my taglist but um let me know if you want to be excluded from oc/ship web weaves#just really wanted to share this one because i'm very proud of it and i want it on my blog. so. :]#recognition of the self through the other + wanting so desperately for the other to be deserving of a second chance#because if there is hope for them than there is hope for you etc etc and so on. that's the core of their dynamic i think#they understand each other on such a fundamental level that no one else comes close to because they are in so many ways the same#like how in in the first game leslie could sync up with ru/vik and all that? nathan would be a VERY good candidate for that as well#and it makes me insane!! and then the added layer of nathan being lead developer of mobius' new and improved STEM system#which makes him the same as ru/vik AGAIN but in like. the way that they're both men of [computer] science#and there's the fact they both have a dead sister. they both killed their parents. they were both mobius playthings for YEARS#and they've happily killed and tortured during all of it. they're angry they're out for revenge they're completely disconnected from#the normal human experience and they're working with what they have. and then after all of that is over then what is left?#their story focuses on them picking up all the pieces. everything that's still salvageable at least. and try to start over in a way#they cannot be forgiven for what they've done but they can move on from the past and do different in the future#there's still things left undone and left unsaid... in my canon at least. i know there's not gonna be any more games. it's fine#anyway they end up going to therapy and then they get better they're not a doomed couple they just like being dramatic#if you read all of this we can get married tomorrow if you'd like
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Fic-to-Art #44: Zuko and Katara meet Hotaru
This time around, my Patrons chose these two scenes from the prompt I offered them... and that prompt was "Hotaru", our tiny firefly herself <3 drawing her continues to be a challenge pertaining how to ever make babies look cute, but I hope she looks alright this time!
These two moments take place not too far from the other, but it's worth noting that Katara and Zuko don't get to see Hotaru at the exact same time. Thus, I figured I'd take advantage of the opportunity... and draw Sokka and Azula introducing their little one to their respective siblings. This will be an emotional chapter (lots of those coming up), but I do hope that these moments of happiness will be a good way to soothe the pains caused by our very intense angst from the current chapters... to be specific, this is chapter 378, so we're not that far away!! Just gotta wait a bit longer!
A part of me took joy in this specific prompt... the fandom has an abundance of "uncle Sokka" and "aunt Azula" content, be it with them together or not, while Zuko and Katara (also while together or not) happen to be the ones who become parents first. This often relegates their siblings to a secondary role, and too often there's either implications or outright accusations that these two just aren't fit for parenting. I don't really remember seeing much, if any, content where Zuko and Katara are the uncle and aunt instead... thus, I figured this would be a fun switch-up that, ultimately, doesn't mean any of these four aren't fit for parenting (Zuko's already a dad, Katara will be a mother someday in the future!)! It just means that Zuko and Katara get to bond with little Hotaru and be supportive siblings! And everyone's happy and wholesome in the process!
At any rate! I hope you guys like it, and as ever, if you'd like to be part of the creative process behind these pieces, a $1 pledge makes you eligible for suggesting art prompts and voting for the winner, as well as reading Gladiator snippets 6 days before the next chapter releases!
#sokkla#sokka#azula#katara#zuko#gladiator#fic-to-art project#I think the most annoying thing about drawing Zuzu is I never seem to make him look properly older#like what is it with him#is it my fault#why does he always feel babyfaced#and no it's not about facial hair okay#my Zuko has no beards he is beard-free and always will be (?)#but anyway#don't come at me with 'omg Zuko being the Iroh to Hotaru!' because NAY#HE'S BETTER#there I said it#the fact that he actually is interested in Azula's kids and is nice to all of 'em#(yes I mean all of 'em if you don't know what I mean go read my not-so-subtle future Gladiator oneshot from underneath starlit skies)#has officially made him a better uncle than Iroh I do not make the rules (oh wait maybe I do)#as for Katara she will be a very enthusiastic aunt#who always wants to babysit#and is always ready to make that baby smile somehow#so yes she will be a wonderful aunt herself#tbh Hotaru is a lucky baby in many ways and one of them#is that people actually wanna babysit her?? Sokkla don't really have to beg people to help them with that ahaha#helps that she's such an easygoing chill baby but still#this baby is LOVED#and that's facts#anyway please enjoy this before tomorrow's chapter makes you guys want to kill me :'D
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#ay. tomorrow might b the day i face the music#which is to say. i tell my advisor how fucked i am. i mean. ill spin it so it doesn't sound so bad#its just that ive told him like 2 weeks in a row that id send him my edited preproposal and i have not bc im too afraid to start reading#papers related to my project. which is frustrating. and like the thing is. and i kno ive said it before and i kno im not a fucking idiot#i can read papers and i can even understand what theyre broadly saying. but thats it.#zero critical thinking. zero insight. i use all my tiny fucking brain space to try to understand the words on the pages#and even then it only forms this broken fucking image of whats being said. like u dont understand. i used to struggle with writing papers bc#i couldnt fucking connect what i was saying from one paragraph to the next when i was the one doing the fucking writing.#what the fuck am i doing here? and again. im not stupid. i can follow the information if its fucking said out loud but thats not how this#works. and it just feels like sometimes there's a limit to what you're capable of and im at that fucking limit. the undergrads in my lab#have more ability to comment on papers than i do. its so fucking frustrating and i just have to live with knowing itll never get any easier#so what the fuck can i do other than drop out? theres no god damn way im gonna pass a comprehensive exam. not unless i buckel down and break#myself in half to try to retain all the information i need to. which requires that i read so many god damn papers that i cant fucking read.#just. why tf did i pick a career path where my suffering is inherent to a huge part of my job? i feel like ive consistently chosen to take#the hard path in life and ive finally stumbled too far from what is possible for me#so well see what comes out of my mouth tomorrow when i have my weekly meeting. i just feel like its my last semester#i feel like this is it. i just need someone to fucking hire me. bc everytime my lab mate mentions something abt#my project down the line or talks abt future conferences i should attend. im just like. its a nice idea but that's not happening. im just#at the end of the line and it sucks#unrelated
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I've felt like I should check in with Apollo the past few days and finally managed to clear enough space on my floor to feel alright with breaking out the tarot deck again so I did! Lit his candle, said as as formal a prayer as I could muster beforehand, asked Hermes to help with communication, the whole shebang. For further context: I've been wanting to ask Aphrodite something specific (also via tarot, it's the most grounding tool I've got) but I only have the one deck at the moment and, while I've used it to ask Hermes about things in tandem with Apollo, and Aphrodite introduced herself via it (with a card that also introduced Apollo), I wasn't sure if it would be cool for me to use it to ask her specifically something not in direct tandem with Apollo. I mentioned that in the prayer but also said that that might be a question for a different session, since trying to get an answer to that (on top of the general "hey how are we doing/do you have anything you want me to learn") might muddy my ability to understand the message.
Cue twelve cards falling out of my deck/poking out while I was shuffling. I usually pull ~3 cards on top of whatever falls out, but I ended up not feeling like it was needed. Seven of them fell out face-up, too.
Despite having some concerns about whether all of the cards were "supposed" to be pulled, it was pretty coherent! And covered quite a few things I've been thinking about recently, including sorting out anxiety vs a warning/displeasure, a follow-up of a card that was the focus of my last pull, and a reminder to look at outside/intellectual sources to combat the whatever-the-fuck-my-brain's-on. There were four cards that fell out face-up together in a pile: a card I associate with Apollo at the front and one associated with Artemis (the Moon) at the back, with cards related to unity & growth in the middle. I'd had a pretty bad experience attempting an offering to Artemis last month and have stepped back and avoided asking her for anything or specifically invoking her in prayers/offerings/etc. since (except for once when it involved a pregnant friend b/c it seemed odd and tbh a little disrespectful to ask Apollo for help and not her as well) because I took it as a sign that she didn't want me to work with her. I'm also aware, though, that that bad experience could have just been a meltdown/panic attack. Regardless of whether it was either of those two things, a "hey slow down" warning, or a combination, it was nice to have some clear reassurance & an official introduction. It's also significant, I think, that part of the Moon card's message is about not letting anxiety/"self-deception" (direct from the guide) cloud your intuition. I've been wanting to burn the candle I dedicated to her for a few days now- it's possible that was a sign from her as well.
As far as the deck-use question...the first card that fell out was the Empress (face-up, reversed). My initial thought was that it was a "no", but I decided to look at the meaning in case it wasn't that which was. probably a bad idea. It freaked me out a bit because I couldn't figure out what it was referring to. I ended up using my alphabet oracle tiles for a makeshift yes/no system after finishing with all the other cards and got clear confirmation that my instinct was, in fact, correct.
All in all it was really cool?? By far the most cards I've had in one pill iirc, and a good lesson in identifying how my intuition works.
#i teared up a few times both during the reading#and when i connected that one of the lessons for tonight *was* about identifying intuition/pointing out my progress#ive gotta go tarot deck shopping now#ive been wanting to get decks for each member of the theoi i work with anyway. makes the most sense#my only deck atm is one a friend gave me. like. 3 years ago b/c he wasnt vibing with it and it's been pretty consistent#even if i got a bit mixed up and pulled a card i shouldnt have (ie i thought it was poking out in a 'falling out' way#instead of just a 'got jostled while shuffling' way)#the cards i *know* are supposed to be part of the reading b/c they either fully fell out or i drew them after shuffling#are typically pretty understandable#so tarot's one of the best ways i know to “talk” to deity in a way that's grounded & “outside” myself enough that I can trust it#more than other ways#esp when combining it w/ the guide. going off of the image for interpretation just doesnt do it for me. maybe it will in the future but also#my brain just. doesnt do that w/ art unless im in crit mode#but yeah. i ofc gave apollo hermes & artemis offerings afterwards as a thank you#(and aphrodite b/c i remembered that i forgot to give her an offering after i got back from lunch w/ my partner yesterday)#good day all around re: connecting with the gods#despite being off my meds (im ordering my prescription refill tomorrow)#coriander says#helpol#hellenic pagan#hellenic polytheism#apollo#artemis#hermes#aphrodite#tarot#hellenic gods#hellenic community#pagans of tumblr#theoi
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Had a revelation this week that was so healing. just. gentle and life-altering.
#it will sound too simple when I put it into words#but it was just. no one’s coming. there’s no one coming!#and that doesn’t mean that there isn’t love and friendship and joy in the present or the future#or even romance!#all possibilities and in the grand scheme of things probabilities#but still! no one is coming. and no one is coming to save me!#life is happening now and it is (not completely) but in a lot of ways just what you make of it!#of course the ultimate caveat is that Christ is coming#except it’s not the caveat but the POINT#but no one human#and it’s amazing how long you can just wait and wait and wait. and there is something not true in the Human Ideal#you think you’re waiting for!!!#and I could meet the love of my life tomorrow and they could be everything I dreamed of and more#and it still wouldn’t be the ‘Answer’ so to speak#it’s just not how it goes! It’s not how it works. it’s not what people or friendships or romance is for.#it’s both so much simpler and so much grander. and of course I knew all of this before blah blah blah#but it’s sunk in. in a gentle way lately#that just feels different this time!#So I wanted to try to put it into words#Thanks for listening
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I think the fella screaming is not anyone's Mama but like. Louis. Louis XIV.
#eugene of savoy#leopold i#Emperor leopold i#Leopold i hre#17th century#prince eugene#pink pony club#chappell roan#chappell fanart#history art#my art#historical fanart#1. I think this is about Eugene leaving the priesthood and Paris to make a future for himself in Vienna#And Leopold's being an emperor allowing him to do f**k all including prancing around on stage#The way training for the priesthood might not have#2. Don't @ me or talk to me about chappell bc of this post i am very much not a fan of her just not my cup of tea apart from like 2 songs#Anyway im going for ny surgery tomorrow and i am freaking out so please humour me 💖🎠👠
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That's Owen's sketch done... I am now one step closer to getting 50% done (cuz colouring, rendering, then background...) Maybe I'm close to getting 25% done actually...
#aria rants#well at least am done with the base sketch next up would be details AND THEN!!! COLOURING!!! gah...#am also staring at it rn and realized that id need to adjust his back... GAH orz... ill adjust that tomorrow...#also the amount of times i adjusted cains neck was so ridiculous that i didnt actually need to anyway#CUZ OWENS HAND WILL BE ON IT orz... well... at least... i know how to do that right in the future without struggling much...#that owen pose made me struggle way more than cains during the first sketch and honestly im SO HAPPY#that i manage to do it in a way that i first wanted and all it took is just severing his hand. when in doubt-- cut off a limb#i needed to get owens hand as close as possible to cains face but i couldnt figure it out without moving his entire body closer#and honestly the outcome wouldve been owen kissing cains nose which is pretty neat of a pose but i think i prefer one#where hes just so uncomfortably close to cains face like that. id go for the kissing pose if i could make it so that#owen gets to kiss a place close to cains left eye (or kiss the eye itself) cuz hes creepy like that and also-- caiowe...
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i am pretty excited for the miku nt update early access tomorrow. the demonstrations have sounded pretty solid so far and tbh i am super intrigued by the idea of hybrid concatenative+ai vocal synthesis, i wanna see what people doooo with it. show me it nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
#im assuming it'll be out sometime in japanese afternoon time. but i will be asleep so i have to wait until tomorrow <3#but im so intrigued....... synthv did a different thing a bajillion years ago where they like#trained ai voicebanks off of their concatenative data? it never went anywhere because of quality issues?#but i still think theres some potential in that. and i think nt2 might be the first commercial release thats#sample based with ai assistance? correct me if im wrong though i could be forgetting stuff#but i dunno.... im intrigued.... i would love to see another go at kaito in theory#BUT crypton is like afraid of his v1 hint of chest voice so i dunno how much id like the direction theyre going in#and that really is my biggest issue with later versions of kaito he's like all nasal#like the opposite issue genbu has LOL genbus all chest no head#(smacks phone against the pavement gif)#although all chest is easier to deal with because if i want a hiiiiint of a nasal-y heady tone i can fudge it with gender#plus he has those secret falsetto phonemes. the secret falsetto phonemes.#its harder to make a falsetto-y voice sound chestier with more warmth than the other way around#people can do pretty wonderful things with kaito v3 and sp though. but i still crave that v1 HJKFLDSJHds#but yeah i dunno! i imagine they wont bother with new NTs for the other guys after miku v6 but i would be curious#i am still not personally sold on v6 in general yet. but maybe vx will change that LOL#the future of vocal synthesizers is so exciting..... everything is happening all the time
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What a good episode. Maaaaaan
#I can't even start I'd be here forever#It did take me in fact like one hour total to watch it lmoa. It sooooo good!!! The animation is very good#(albeit it's awfully low on brightness at times. But such seems to be the sin of lot of recent media unfortunately)#but I'm not even going to dwell on that. The plot / storytelling is so good. Sooooo god. I adore this arc.#Love the symbolism. I've been saying this for almost two years now (is it really been that long ever since these episodes came out... ) but#I want to write an analysis on the op & ed so baddd. The emphasis on the twilight this episode!!#Like the sun was setting on the detective agency. I love love love the hd. They're so cool in this episode and they're so cool in general.#I ADORE Jouno. I don't feel particularly strongly for sue/giku yet their scenes are so cute and funny. I see why people ship them.#Even Tetchou I don't usually care much about is so !!!!! I love all the hd so much fr!!!!!!!!!!#I love love love Jouno. Like much like it is for Akutagawa I'm very weak for characters that aren't really good people.#But they're still trying to be a better person than they were. And oftentimes they end up doing a terrible job!!#But the fact alone that they're //trying// has me ougheueueueu. Here in this episode you can see Jouno–#sliping very easily in his cruel / sadistic habits. But he is trying to be a person that cares for others! He made good actions in the past#and he will again in the future even though right now he's acting like this! Because improvement isn't linear! I love him tonsss#And DON'T get me started on the ada. Yosano's “Welcome” scene. I love women. I love women. Yosano please one chance#KENJI'S SCENE God I needed this. How could I forget the way this literllyyyyy rewinded my brain when I read the manga for the first time.#That scene is so deep and poignant and so so meaningful I. Oughhh#I am going to run out of tags am I not#Kyouka saving Atsushi!!!!!!! That scene is one of my all time favourites. It makes me soft to remember when the s4 trailer dropped–#I was so overjoyed for that bit of them holding hands :') Rightfully so!!! It's so cute.#Her coming back to save Atsushi. The “don't worry– I didn't kill them” direct towards Atsushi–#that is so so Akutagawa and it sends me insane hhhhhhgggggggggg#Kunikida!!!!! His “I'm not leaving anyone behind”!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not precisely Kunikida's first fan but aaaaaahhh he makes me feel–#so much for him in this scene!!!!! Mmmhhh one last note would be. It bugs me a little how the ada is defined terrorist by the military–#forces starting this episode? I don't have space to elaborate properly but. An action to be considered terrorism must have clear political–#orientation and goal. Violence alone isn't enought to be defined terrorism. It's an incorrect use of the word#Up to the next episode!!! Can't wait to see more Atsushi 🥰🥰#random rambles#It's late now and probably most are asleep rn... Then I'll be queing my posts for tomorrow probably
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#talkys#realizing now that ive never really been able to see a future where i drive ykwim#not in the sense of Lol I Dont Wanna Do It So I Wont but in the sense that its never been something ive been#excited or hopeful about/for#same with moving out. same with having a job. same with transitioning#i cant See that in my future it doesnt even seem far away it just seems like. unthinkable#i think i might still be stuck in the 'didnt expect to live this long' mode bc its true i feel like i should be dead i feel i should die#tomorrow. ykwim. which makes it all so much harder. 0 motivation bc its unrealistic to me#to imagine any sort of future#because i dont really have a future !#why learn to drive if i dont have a future#no way to find a job that doesnt suck bc i dont have qualifications for anything Good (my fault) so#putting it off for as long as possible. bc i really dont have a future. i dont !#i am inept and cant handle being alive#and thats that ive had no real issues or tribulations.
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I only come on tumblr when I'm at the very end of my rope and barely hanging on by a quickly disintegrating thread and I don't know what that tells you about me
#boygenius#lah posting#I took the drugs again#I'm worse but better#I will not stagnate#i have therapy tomorrow#it's gonna be another one of those times when I spend the whole time crying#I don't have anyone anymore that i can rely on to hold space for me when I cry#i can hold space for my own emotions now thank you very much#i'm extremely proud of that fact because six months ago that hill felt absolutely insurmountable#but it really helps when there's occasionally someone else to help with that#sorrow shared is half the sorrow and joy shared is double joy#and all that#but i'm really scared for how this is going to end#i'm in really fucking deep at this point#and it's only getting deeper#i don't want to lose my person or the farm or our plans for the future#but it can't go on like this#no matter what i do#and i can't make him realise and i can't do it for him#but i'm afraid that instead of facing the music and turning shit around he's going to choose a much worse way of dealing with things#If this ends i don't think i could ever date again#i know that's dramatic but i'm being very serious about this#i keep thinking i'm dating someone completely different each time but then every time without fail after a year or two#they get into a deep funk and can't seem to do anything but stew and complain and be mean and ruin any chance of being in a good mood#every single time to the point where i wonder if that's just what happens to people who date me#and i can't stand it because while i'm far from toxic positivity i take pride in choosing to not behave like that when things dont go my wa#but i can't risk letting this keep happening again. I genuinely think i can now be happier loving myself than i'd ever be trusting romance.#I've come so far in my healing and I can't keep letting people derail me who have no idea how to self-regulate or have self-compassion#I'm getting sick again. I can feel it happening in my body
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Tag drop: Seele (Honkai: Star Rail). Listen, I used to write her and I miss her a bit, and also: there's Belobog people around. And also, well, she's much more interesting than people give her credit for. Also, prepare for some 'rewriting', because Belobog's pacing in specific ways kind of blew a little bit much.
#seele. [ we tell them “things will be better tomorrow.” everyone knows it's a lie; but it gets them to sleep with some hope. ]#seele: ic. [ he always says “humanity's endless conflicts”; but you don't get peace by offering everything up on a silver platter. ]#seele: inquiries. [ that's not the only thing you won't have heard of down here; princess. ]#seele: countenance. [ to all those thugs and gangsters in the underworld; i'm like a spectre always haunting them. ]#seele: introspection. [ the chief's right. sometimes a sharp blade is the only way to get people to come to their senses. ]#seele: meta. [ she got used to people losing their homes. and she got used to people losing their lives. but crying alone was useless. ]#seele: little notes. [ they only eat half their meal; throw the rest away. do they know people below haven't got enough food to eat? ]#seele: wishes. [ where there's hope: there's the will to fight. ]#seele: etc. [ a young girl smiles subtly. “how? right here; right now; i am alone… but it feels... very lively.” ]#seele: underworld. [ what's more important than miracles; seele. is to protect people's hopes for miracles. ]#seele: overworld. [ oleg saw how a look of gloom passed over her tender face. “let's go back. i don't want to come back here again.” ]#seele: sampo. [ wildfire has countless issues on its place right now. we don't need a side order of koski. ]#seele: sampo. [ so we're there; now it's real. now that you have me; do you want me still? ] inominati.#seele: bronya. [ they go their separate ways: one stepping into the light; and the other into the shadows. until one day; they meet again.#seele: natasha. [ i learned quickly that tantrums won't get you anywhere. she knows how to give you a taste of your own medicine. ]#seele: oleg. [ i probably owe my life to the chief. ]#seele: hook. [ don't let her appetite for chaos fool you; i think that kid's going places. ]#seele: v. youth. [ everyone in the dark side of town knew that fearless homeless girl. everyone wanted to avoid that wild; stubborn rascal.#seele: v. underworld. [ just what we all need: more lies about a world that never was and never will be. ]#seele: v. present. [ can you imagine the consequences if we told the people what happened here? they'd be devastated. ]#seele: v. future. [ ... priorities? what do you mean? are you saying rebuilding the underworld isn't one of your “priorities”? ]
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whats fun is looking at the thread youre hanging on by and seeing where it's about to snap. whats even more fun is deliberately cutting through that thread because you know it'll just snap anyways so why bother clinging to it as if youll make it somehow
#im at the point of complete and total apathy#no matter how many ''life plans'' i make itll all end with me killing myself anyways#ive already proven that i cant change so why bother trying#shes right i did go right back to how i was before going away. no actually thats a lie i got even worse ahah#i dont care. i just dont care.#i actually got a library card on my own today. i even reserved some books and just have to wait for another local library to send them over#i even have plans on friday to get an actual id! but yknow what?#i could still jump off a bridge tomorrow without batting an eye.#i dont care about ''making it'' anymore. whats the point when once i die i'll just reincarnate into the world i was supposed to be in?#whats the point when even if i do manage to become a successful person i'll just be cutting myself and planning my suicide either way?#i dont care. i'll put on my favorite outfit and go jump somewhere high enough that theres no chance id survive i dont care.#i'll even bring all my pills and my box cutter with me for good measure#i really dont care. i really think this is gonna be it.#i rethink for a second when i remember how those i love are going to feel but then i remember i wont be alive in this world to see it#i'll see everyone again when im home anyways. if i will it enough i can bring them along and we'll all be happy#and even if i never wake again then even nonexistence will be better than this#i see no real reason not to anymore. i dont have a future that doesnt end in me taking my own life anyways#i really could do it tomorrow if i have the willpower for it. im going to be left alone in the house for a few hours so#no one could stop me#its tempting#and you know me#self-destructively impulsive without a care in the world towards self-control?#we'll see. we will see.#please pray i will make it home everyone.
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*sigh*
#i have no one but myself to blame tbh#i knew that playing a combat strategy game on the highest difficulty with my partner who rages at everything that goes wrong was a bad idea#and yet here we are. i wonder if things would go different had i told him it wouldn't be pleasant#oh wait i did warn him and i wasn't heard at all hahaha silly me how dare you know more than him you stupid stupid girl#i thought i would enjoy sharing my fav game with him but all ive got was screams and rage at the computer#i wonder if this is one of the ways i can guess how our future together is gonna be#with him screaming at his games like a manchild and myself in a separate room ignoring his tantrums and doing my stuff#oh yeah because he wants to get back home from work and just play videogames and live from takeout food lol not one mention of cleaning lol#anyway tomorrow we set boundaries and pray for the best to happen#i usually wonder why im always tired and drained and without energy and will to do anything i like. now i think i know why#much to think about
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