#A lot of the mental health stuff is the same

[jellyj777]

04; Kiss? | THE PATIENT

THE PATIENT | Book | Ch04;Kiss?

JungkookxReader (smut/fluff/angst)

— Falling in love with a patient in an asylum might not be everyone's tea but you had a thing to fix something you never broke at first place.

Words: 4.8k+

TROPES:: One sided hate, Therapist Au.

SYNOPSIS:: —"Don't trust me, Believe in me"

WARNINGS:: Talk about abuse, Violence ahead, explicit language, Anger issues

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Seok: I'm nervous as fuck, Y/N.

Seok: Send help T-T.

You chuckle at the emoticon he used. Silly funny guy.

You: It's not your first time, don't worry too much ffs.

You: Haven't you been doing this for like five years now?

Seok: So?! That doesn't mean I can't get nervous.

There are new interns at our place this for this meeting, like five or six more, definitely more than last time. True. New university students always join to get their internships to become future nurses or doctors but what confuses you is that why is Hoseok nervous?

Out of all the doctors in this place, you have never seen Hoseok nervous before well that is because he never is. He has always presented whenever these meetings happened and he was never nervous. Always smiley with his tone and words.

You: It's not your first time, stop worrying too much. We're all there for you, Seok. I'd be sitting in front.

Seok: You better be ready for my glare.

Seok: I'll be staring at you while explaining the crowd. Makes it easy ^_^

You roll your eyes and swing on the chair with your back slumped against the same, makes you curious of his topic. He didn't talk about it like he always does before the presentation.

You: Whatever, if that helps you then do so.

You: What's your topic anyways? Thought you've been researching for days now.

Seok: Bipolar Disorder

Seok: We got a new patient with it and I researched for the nurses to learn about the symptoms and stuff.

Bipolar Disorder. Good one and would help the nurses to learn more about the disease.

You: Oh that's cool. I'll see you in the meeting room.

You: You got this!!

<Seok liked a message you sent>

Seok: Thxx.

Seok: See u.

Putting your phone down, you get up from your seat to make your way out of the clinic. The clinic named under your name in the hospital designed with little things of yours just for the sake of your own mental health.

It's not easy to work in hospital especially as a nurse or a doctor. Especially when you can get slapped before by a patient, saying by the experience while you were working as a nurse doing mainly your internship. It's only been three years since you became a doctor in your department before that life, as a nurse, it wasn't easy at all.

Being a nurse in a mental hospital can be something which is risky for your own mental health too, you're surely aware of how stressful these types of meetings can be from a doctor's and a nurse's perspective. You remember the time when you were a nurse and Hoseok was one of the doctors back then.

He is always cheerful with the staff (the position of the staff doesn't matter) and made the place better than the emotional hell rollercoaster it was, but it amazes you how Hoseok is such a nice doctor even though he has witnessed a lot of bad stuff happening with his patients, done by the patients themselves.

Hoseok is one strong man that you know. Emotionally of course and on physical matters, it truly depends. You're aware how hard it can be to cope up with a patient's pain. Again, with experience.

He was the patient for you at that time. Left quite an impression on you to be honest.

A shrill like scream echoed in the hallway taking you out of your thoughts. The nurses rush towards the sound of the scream and with a frown, you follow along with the nurses. Not confused, just surprised at the sudden outburst. It wasn't uncommon to hear these types of shrills, screams, cries in the hospital building.

Many patients had different illnesses meaning that they have different hallucinations regarding the same. You walk past Jungkook's room who was looking out of the window with his one hand fiddling with elastic as he stretches the elastic out and another 'pop' sound in the room of his.

The sound of the elastic pop echoes. Not in the room but in his mind. Didn't even pay attention to the scream. Too busy with his own thoughts.

"Shit." You murmur and walk past the nurses to look at one of your patients who was laying on the floor with blood oozing of their wrist. "Bring the medic kit."

One of the nurses nod and rush away to bring the kit. Your hand wrapped around the wrist of the patient, mouth leaving comforting words that everything's gonna be fine.

Ji a. A patient who had ED. Suffered from the societal norms of getting fat-shammed in her early teens now in her late 20s has self-harm as her coping defense mechanism and is suffering from malnutrition.

Her other hand held the butter knife. It's actually phenomenal how some patients have found a way to do self harm without any materials provided to them.

You grab the butter knife and throw it away while one of the nurses clean up the wound and the other injects the injection through her forearm which makes her hiss. Ji a cried loud and clear letting you know she's in pain, in pain with the thing that she caused herself.

"It's fine, everything's gonna be fine..." your voice trails off in Ji a's mind, her head drops with a 'thud' on your lap, eyes closed and all the uneasiness washes away.

With a sigh, you get up after Ji a is safely tucked into bed and one of the helping hands walks in the mop to clean the blood from the floor.

"Doc. Mun, your coat..." The nurse points at your coat which had splash of bloods on it. Would leave a stain for sure but it was nonetheless than unusual. A little stain of blood is something every doctor is used to in here due to some of the patients.

"It's fine," you reassure and shrug it off but speak up again, "but what's not fine is that who forgot the butter knife."

The tension among the nurses infront of you rises as no one answers. "I just want to know who forgot it, no big consequences will be taken. Mistakes are tend to happen." You repeat, wanting the person who left the knife to admit without feeling scared, of course mistakes are tend to happen and a lesson should be taught so that it doesn't occur again.

Finally, a nurse steps in front, someone who you haven't seen before. You tilt your eyebrows upwards with a head tilt. "Was it you?" You ask. She nods.

"Everyone, make sure Ji a is fast asleep and check up the place again," You pause and point at the small closet beside the bed. "Make sure to check the cupboard, under the bed and anything that can help in self-harming should be removed."

The nurses nod and get to work, with squinted eyes you read the new nurse's name 'Sarah'. "And Sarah, please be at my office after checking up."

Sarah nods and waits for you to walk out. With a final look around the room, the other patient looking frightened by the encounter is now being comforted by the nurse. You walk out of the room to change your blood stained coat.

First time this week, new achievement for the year as it's Wednesday and it's only the first time blood got stained on your coat.

After changing your coat in the changing room for staff only, you make your way back to your clinic where Sarah was waiting out looking nervous, her gaze fixed on the pillar in front and wasn't even trying to look for you until your eyes meet. You gesture her to get in to which she nods, passes you a nervous smile, makes you reciprocate with your soft one.

The moment you both step, the awkward silence burns in the air, being the doctor you were and the senior one, it meant you're supposed to start the conversation. "I won't scold you," you start breaking the uneasiness and clear your throat. "Mistakes happen but you should be considerate with the choices you're providing for the patients."

Sarah nods, "I know, I'm so sorry, Doctor Mun. I just got transferred from a hospital to here and it's different. This is not an excuse for my behavior but it won't repeat again."

You're glad she took responsibility for her issue and it's normal to make mistakes. We're all just humans after all. "Um, I didn't know what illness was Ji a suffering from." She murmurs again quietly.

Your eyerbrows crease together, "What do you mean that you're not aware of what Ji a's suffering from?" You ask clearly confused by her statement. How can a nurse who is given a patient can't know the diagnosis of the patient.

"I mean, nobody told me. I'm telling you Doctor Mun, I'm new to the place." She pauses awkwardly fidgeting with her hands before she continues again not sure if the words she'll propose are correct. "I got transferred from a normal hospital with normal patients to this horrendous place."

"Horrendous? Excuse me." You scoff and fold your arms in front of your chest. Calling a helping hospital for patients who did not even want a specific diagnosis horrendous is crazy. This is not the correct vocab you'll use for this place.

At least not horrendous.

Sarah just shrugs her shoulders again looking uncomfortable for this conversation. "I said what I said, it's just new to me" She states again, staying stuck to her ground.

"Listen, I understand it's new to you but you cannot call a hospital — any kind — horrendous. Please improve your vocab cause I won't be tolerating this kind of language in a workplace where we are the helping hands for citizens. Understood?"

She nods, so you continue. "If you find this place being hard for you to handle please transfer to another hospital and the mistake that happened today should not be repeated. If you need any help with knowing some diagnosis, you can always come to my office, got it?"

"Yes, Doctor Mun." She nods again as you gesture her to leave with a small smile which she reciprocates and bows before leaving the room.

The lights shut off in the presentation room with projector being the only source of light at the moment, Hoseok clears his throat with a smile, his eyes the room and ended up landing it at you just like he promised.

"Hello everyone," he starts. "I'm Doctor. Jung for many of you who are new to the department or are doing their internships in here for future doctors or nurses. This is the meeting room where the doctors will knowledge you about general topics which can help you to learn more about the patients, I'll be starting today by talking about Bipolar Disorder as mentioned in the slide of the presentation."

He points at the screen behind him with his hand, there were total of six nurses in the room with three new interns and three doctors including you. You sat beside Dr. Kim, eyes locked in the front with your focus on the presentation.

These meetings are basically for new people in the hospital or even the old nurses who want to learn more about mental health diagnosis. You were basically here to support Hoseok knowing he returns the favor by coming to your presentations too, you already knew about bipolar disorder but supporting your friend is more important in this situation.

"Bipolar disorder is something that society believes into happening with anger issues in someone. Yes, this can be right but there are different types of Bipolar diseases and not all of them occur due to anger issues." Hoseok clicks the 'enter' button on the keyboard as the slide moves to second page with ease.

The second slide contained of three partition graph of types of bipolar diseases; "Bipolar 1 is defined by maniac attacks which are last up to seven days which can severe in many cases leading the patient to be rushed to hospital." He speaks.

"How severe?" The previous nurse, Sarah asks just like before she looked genuinely confused. Not her fault to begin with, she had zero knowledge about mental health and her transfer here is something that is really funny in a way and you're sure Hoseok will give you the tea about her transfer later, that is making you curious in a way now.

"Very, that patients suffering from this specific type of diagnosis go through depressive and maniac attacks altogether." Hoseok replies as Sarah nods her and writes down in her notebook.

"The worst part about this specific type is that the person suffering from it can change their mood from being overly happy which can be included in mania," He points out so that the interns can write down. "and feeling overly down which can be categorized under depressive attacks."

"So, a person can feel happy and sad at the same time?" An intern asks.

"Yes and the emotions of roller coaster is so fast that the person doesn't even what's happening." He nods and moves to another slide, "The worst part is that the emotions of roller coasters are so high that people can even hallucinate or even get delusions."

"Hallucinations and Delusions? Can you give more specific example for this situation?" Sarah asks raising her arm as Hoseok nods back.

"People living with this disease can feel strange sensations like hearing or seeing something that was never there which is also known as hallucinations; They also seem to believe in irrational stuff which may seem irrelevant to other people. Also note down that this usually happens when a person is going through a maniac or depressive episode."

Sarah nods so Hoseok continues, "A person with bipolar may be unaware that they going with a maniac phase or episode which means, they might be shocked after their phase is over or would mainly not believe people that they actually did something like that. It sound surreal to them basically."

A nurse raises her hand as Hoseok points after to speak, "Is there any cure for this? Like fully cure? Can a person live normally again after being diagnosed with this disease?" She asks.

"Unfortunately no, a person cannot live normally again. Bipolar disease is something which is life long and a person will survive basically on meds their whole life. They would also get episodes out of nowhere and that is what the meds help them in." He shifts his weight form one leg to another, "Meds prescribes can help in reducing the hallucinations and helps in balancing out the happiness with sadness in  a person's life."

The next fifteen minutes went by Hoseok answering questions about the diagnosis and went much deeper about this topic. He took the questions and explained thoroughly with a smile and did not get annoyed at basic or even the most obvious questions. Thanks to his six years of training in being a doctor.

He later explained about this new patient who will be transferred here from another hospital next week, the patient was young and that is something uncommon in this specific disorder.

Bipolar can start from the earliest ages in childhood but children are often neglected thinking they are just acting up as kids or even in late 40s with anger and emotions build up. The guy who is being transferred is mere twenty-five and has been admitted since a year now.

"You did great as usual," You smile and pat Hoseok's back who walked beside you, the presentation ended five minutes ago and everyone went back to doing their work.

He shrugs with a proud smirk making you roll your eyes knowing he'll talk about his presentation for the next few hours at this point. He'll point out how good he was while talking about his topic even though this guy was glaring into your soul for the whole time. Was too nervous to even break eye contact. "You know I'm the best."

"Yeah, as if you weren't dyeing in there." You sarcastically comment with a sarcastic smug like smile.

"Ok, bae. I get you're jealous of my speaking skills." He grins walking into your clinic following you behind.

"Fuck off," You laugh and settle back in your chair putting the notes from today on the table, "What's up with the new nurse?"

"Who? Sarah?" He raises his eyebrows settling himself in front of you on the chair. Your hands fiddling on the table with the paperweight, your favorite thing to do in the world besides fixing stuff of course.

You nod, "Yeah, she even forgot butter knife in Ji a's room."

"Oh that was what the scream was about?" He asks, he knew about the patient Ji a, you told him about her condition and everything as he does the same bout his patients. He did in fact heard a scream when he was re-reading his notes for the nth time in front of the mirror but didn't pay much attention knowing it's really common for that to happen.

"Yeah," You reply.

"Hm, Sarah?" He hums again, head tilted upwards thinking about Sarah's transfer. "Oh, she got transferred here from Gwangju district." He answers, eyes back on you as he recalled the talk he had in the morning about new staff.

"Reason?" You raise an eyebrow at him.

"She was like too nice there and got transferred here. Apparently she'll take time with every patient which is a good thing but the amount of staff normal hospital has are less causing the work to be delayed." He answers.

You nod back even though you wanted to scoff at his but now it makes sense why Sarah got transferred here and being honest she doesn't look like the person Hoseok is describing. Maybe you need more time with her to get to know her fully.  

After having a talk with Hoseok for the next fifteen minutes, mostly him breaking down the tea he got from another department. Hosoek got up to leave for his clinic. Says a quick 'see you at lunch' and walks out of the clinic room.

You hum to the jazz music that was playing through the small speaker connected to you and go back to doing your work. The door opening catches you a little off guard cause no nurse was allowed to enter a doctor's clinic without permission. You look up and your eyes meet up with Jungkook who stood there in his hospital pajamas, his expression a little unfocused and haze.

"Jungkook?" You ask, he gulps and walks in the room closing the door behind. This was confusing cause what was he doing here if he's supposed to be in his room.

"I need help." He speaks and takes a seat in front of you. You pause the jazz music quick and look at him with curious yet confused eyes. You don't mean to sound rude but you won't currently be getting paid to listen to his rant but you'll welcome it the most if it meant to help him or any other patients in his position.

"Yes? What is it?" You ask back, focus on him now.

"I did a bad thing." He replies, voice soft and innocent unlike how it usually is.

"A bad thing?" You ask back with a smile keeping calm cause both of you can't be panicking.

He nods, "You know Ji a?" He asks as if you were unaware of her. His choice of question now made you more curious, confused of why he's asking if you know Ji a cause you're basically her caretaker and doctor.

"Yeah, what about her? Did you talk with her today?" You question back with a smile but the frown on your face was opposite from the tone of your voice, happy cause he made a friend, maybe? but he just nods and stays silent. His expression was guilty which made your smile fall getting the sign that it wasn't just a friendly chat.

Silence settle between you two as you wait for him to speak but he avoided your gaze. Okay! the hell you mean he'll walk in firstly without permission and then talk like he did a big ass crime and then not speaking at all. "You can tell me, I won't tell anyone, y'know?" You break the silence slowly with a whisper.

He gulps "She, um, came to me today and started talking." He speaks again trying his best to explain the situation. You nod back showing that you're listening to him and he can continue talking. "She kissed me." Jungkook sighs finally letting it out of his chest, doesn't want to roam around the situation that happened. He didn't fully trust you but believed in you that you won't tell anyone hopefully.

Your eyes widened and eyebrows raised very confused now. His head hung low after his confession thinking he did something bad. "I'm sorry, what?" You ask not quiet believing him.

"Yeah, she, um kissed me and I don't know how but she just came to me and started talking and then the next moment she kissed me." He states, panic filled his voice as he looks up again to meet your not believing gaze.

"So you both kissed?" You ask again, he nods and you nod too. You both are quiet again, silence takes over between you two. You didn't see anything bad in this, they just kissed. What's the bad thing about it? "Can you explain me what happened fully?" You ask.

"She came to me and showed me her wrist when I was going to the washroom. She had like bandage around it and then suddenly she kissed me!" He exclaims.

Okay. So the kiss just didn't happen, it happened without his permission which is crazy. In the three years of being a doctor this is not the first time you're hearing about a patient kissing the other, both of them haven't felt intimacy for years now. Longer for Jungkook more than it was for Ji a. You've found patient even fucking in the field so this wasn't the craziest thing you ever heard. What was crazy though that it was out of Jungkook's consent.

"You didn't wanted to kiss her?" You ask and he shakes his head proving that he in fact did not wanted to kiss Ji a. "So, why'd you think that you did the bad thing? You did nothing bad in this." You speak, tone soft keeping up with your phycology major. Thanks to the university teacher who made you find calm in any situation. Periodt. 

"I don't know but I didn't wanted to kiss her," He tried to explain shifting uncomfortably in his seat. It was clear sign that he didn't wanted to kiss Ji a but he wasn't sure how to say that in words.

"Uncomfortable?" You ask.

"Yeah, uncomfortable, it was out of nowhere and it fet so uneasy, more uneasy than the injections you guys give." He murmurs, nibbling on his lower lip.

"I'm sorry that happened, I'll talk Ji a and this would never happen again." You apologize, "Are you okay?"

He hesitates but nods; "I just... it's been a long time since I kissed someone or someone kissed me and it was a bit weird too."

"How long, hm? I'm so sorry, Jungkook that this happened to you. I promise this won't happen again." You murmur, a lump stuck jn your throat as you swallow. The feeling Jungkook must've felt must've been crazy to be honest and it was making you vulnerable even when you're thinking about it.

You're aware that Ji a is one of the patients and must have not been in her right mindset while doing something so serious. None of this excuses her behavior though, the way she luntched on Jungkook was clearly a sexual assault; doesn't matter if it was a small one.

"I don't like all this touching stuff," Jungkook declares hoping you'd understand his inability of being comfortable with touches. "And I haven't kissed anyone in a while so it really took me by surprise." He explains.

"I'll make sure it never happens again, Jungkook." You state with confident, this thing happening once was a big shock to you so it happening twice will be a big disappointment in it's own.

He nods, he believes you at least tries to you knowing you always stuck to your words. He gets up and was about to leave but stops in his tracks.

"Can I ask a favour, Doc?" He asks.

"Of course, anything. What is it?" You raise your eyebrows at him, now standing up from your chair so that you can drop Jungkook off to his room.

"Is there any way my room can be near your office?" He questions, voice low and slow almost a whisper. He said it as if it was a crime.

"Give me a second," You bite your bottom lip and bend down towards your computer to check if there's any rooms available nearby your clinic. "Hm, there's one room that was being renovated but it will take time."

He shrugs his shoulders, "I'm fine with the time taking, I just want to near your clinic so that I feel safe."

"Um, okay, I'll talk with someone and try my best to get you the room," You smile, standing up straight again. "Until then, just try to contact me or the nurses if something like this happens again."

He nods and walks out of your clinic with you behind him. The conversation towards his room was basically about his daily routine, about what he's eating nowadays or if he wants to try some new food or even fruits like last time. You got the feeling that he was still affected by the situation with Ji a which was quiet surprising cause Ji a has never thrown herself on to people moreover to kiss them.

She was very insecure about her looks, something that someone should not be but speaking generally out of her results, she was basically afraid to show herself to people. These fears led her to isolate herself from others, feeling conscious whenever someone looks at her, became a picky eater too.

You tried your best to make Jungkook feel safe, even if it was just a little. The effort put by you is enough to be noticed by Jungkook.

"Doc?" He starts, now sitting on his bed while you pour a cup of water for him and hum back to his questioning voice to answer. "Will you actually change my room?" He asks, yet again, a little conflicted and hesitant with his questions.

"I will try to, Jungkook." You hand him the glass of water, at least you'll try to change his room. If being honest, if not by you, you'll probably text another doctor in the department.

He nods and drinks his water; the tattoos on his arm were visible. Few inked tats here and there, to be honest, nobody knew what these tattoos on his right arm means. He never explained it to anyone; not even his friends or family or even the trusted doctors in the previous asylum and hospital he stayed at.

You'd love to ask him about the tattoos but that would be crossing the line. His tattoos were something which were present nowhere, not the documents, previous therapy sessions. Nothing.

"I'll let you know by tomorrow, okay?" You murmur, he nods in return before putting the now empty glass on the table beside his bed.

After making sure that he was all calm now, looked safe and after your reassurance he probably felt safe too. You leave the room quietly and the first thing that comes in your mind is CCTV footage. It's not like you didn't trust Jungkook. No. It's more like you wanted a reassurance yourself or confirmation if said in terms.

Seok: Wya?

You: Surveillance room; r you done with work?

Seok: Yea, lol.

Seok: Whatu doing there? 

Obvious question from an obvious guy. You rest your head on the table, cheek pressed with the table while your left hand angled and also pressed on the table to the side with your phone in your hand.

You: Getting some tea :P

Seok: Stopppp, actually?!?

The reaction was so expected. You chuckle and sit up after seeing the notification pop up on top of Hoseok's message.

You: Gonna tell you tom, gtg, Kim's calling !!

Seok: C'monnn don't leave me hanging :(

wattpad:CH04 (read on wattpad)

A/N:

taglist; @seokout @khadeeeeej @bybyash ‘to be added in the taglist : 🏷️’

thank you for supporting 'TP' or 'THE PATIENT' ! Here's an update after so long; I got so busy with my life :<. Anyways, love you and have an amazing day ! This chapter is the longest i’ve wrote till now and i got too lazy to even edit it cuz too much reading and i’ve re-read it a millions times already lol, should i post the smut taexreader that wasn’t written in chap 3 or not!?

[rotationalsymmetry]

Every time I've tried to interpret some random stranger's confrontational discourse in the best possible light I've regretted it, so this is probably a mistake. But, trying again.

This might not be about "too sick to go outside." It might be about "too depressed to notice benefit from things that normally make people feel better" or something along those lines.

life actually gets better when you leave the house consistently btw like im serious

[my-thoughts-and-junk]

i can't tell if i'm just not paying attention or if mouthwashing just doesn't make any sense

[mygoodfriendjohnathanharker]

Fixed the door that Johnathan had slipped through, not letting that happen again!

[dreki-fern]

my parent is so frustrating, when she's stressed she takes it out on me and gets mad at me about dishes, or other things on top of that.

when I hardly have any energy or I don't mean to in the first place.

Sometimes I say nasty shit to myself because of this, I think of myself as lazy when really it's internalized abelism I'm trying to face.

She "apologized" but I never accept them or want to, she'll just do it again.

I wish she would take accountability instead of making excuses and saying how hard it is. We have no team work ethic and she still pushes her abelism onto me.

It used to be a lot worse when I was a kid and she showed no love or support.

I'm still trying to heal from it.

I try my best but my body, brain and depression sucks. I hate being isolated having no friends, then dealing with so much rejection and my parents neglect ontop of it fucks me up in so many ways.

I just can't wait to move out, I doubt it'll happen but I can imagine it will I guess.

[piplupod]

honestly i wish i didnt know as much as i do about occultism and spirituality because it is so fucking frustrating to see ppl talk about it and they very obviously do not have the knowledge that i have. like i am so open to being wrong, but i see things that ppl are saying and i'm fairly certain that they just ... do not have the depth of knowledge i do, so they say very ignorant things, or draw lines between things in an incredibly (potentially dangerously) overgeneralized way. and i am just sitting here like "oh you have no clue what you are saying right now, do you? you do not realize what you are saying is unfortunately pretty damn wrong." and i have to back away from the screen bc i do not discuss these things anymore due to the brain being constantly ready to dropkick me straight into a mental health crisis

but christ alive i think anyone who engages with spirituality needs to read up on like. essentially Everything they can get their hands on, even if they do not necessarily agree with the ideas being presented, because that way !! you learn !! and you grow to realize what things are borne out of racism and grossly mystifying other cultures and straight up white supremacy and nazi ideology and encouraging psychotic symptoms that lead to mental health crises !!!

[rawliverandgoronspice]

the incredibly delicate tension between: we need art to feed us and connect us and make us feel like things have a purpose, and: art is slowly but surely making us more complacent and cowardly

[angelpuns]

I'm supposed to be asleep but I'm thinking thoughts and this is all it has culminated as:

POV you're me trying to logic/reason away what are probably actual symptoms of a mental health...thing BUT IT ARGUABLY IS ONLY PROVING IT MORE??

[non-un-topo]

Daily November crying sessions start today

[doodlingwren]

Hiatus

I am going on hiatus for a bit more. I really really hoped the stuff that have been going on lately were already "sorted out" but, uhm... they aren't. I need to take a bit more time offline once again, and try to work things out.

Thank you for your patience ❤

Wren

[pwippy]

i originally captioned this as "what do you mean no one really figures life out" but thats not really relevant anymore. i. uh. long rant ahead!

[piscadilly]

i think honestly transmascs should be able to talk abt the hatred of transmasculinity and their unique experiences of transphobia but not while also implying that cis men also suffer from people hating masculinity, or that misandry is a real actual thing. anyway.

[destiny-in-the-universe]

Well. This is kind of embarrassing and I’m struggling just to write this but it seems I’ve hit a block on things I want to write- it feels genuinely like I’m about to crash into the deepest icy waters that exist, and I’ve honestly my mental limit this week and it’s only a damn tuesday; feels like I am not all here atm, and I just don’t know if I can carry out any ideas or plans right now

You might still see me reblogging and posting smaller content for a few days- or it’ll go away tomorrow, but fuck I just feel not myself?

I’m deeply sorry, it’s either burn-out or I’m just drained and need a bit to recover, ‘m not going anywhere. I will be back, I’m just… tired is all

~ Mod Danny (🐾) / Co-Front: Rivaille, Ray, Saiki

[polarfarina]

I guess I'm just confused that fans of watcher are willing to pay sometimes $100 or more in ticket prices to see the live shows with Shane and Ryan but then $6 is really offensive and a betrayal of an ask... like one mystery files hoodie costs more than a year of their (currently announced price of the) site subscription. Don't get me wrong because I do NOT think the paywall was the right decision or announced the right way, I don't think it's going to work. But. I have seen and heard several people say they buy tickets and merch, why can't that be enough? $6 is too expensive! But I'm sitting here confused because. The tickets and merch are way more than six dollars..???? I'm really really confused about that point. It's not that I don't understand that $6 can be unaffordable, it's just... so many people say they can't spend $6 while in the same breath have been boasting about how so far they've been able to spend money on concerts and patreon and buying shirts and blind boxes and the premium YouTube subscription because creators get a bigger chunk of the money that way (watcher should be GLAD they supported them btw!); but SIX DOLLARS? They can't pay that! It's odd. Is all I'm saying.

On the flip side, I saw people saying that because they live outside of the us they would get charged a double tax that they couldn't afford due to having to transfer money overseas; I feel like that's a really good point. Once this goes behind a paywall, international audiences will have a much harder time accessing content moving forward, if they can at all (not every country plays nice with PayPal). Even if they can afford the $6, there will be a heap of fees on top of it - or there won't even be a way to get the money to the service in the first place.

Absolutely the fact that Watchers' content is suddenly becoming paywalled seemingly immediately moving forward with little warning is a big shock and at first when watching the video, I didn't think they were serious. Having witnessed a successful launch of a YouTube channel into a paid subscription site with the exact price that watcher is asking for... they are not doing it right. Not for their audience. But people are so so focused on how expensive six dollars is and not on the other implications of this decision, which just... am I in the wrong here?? There's a bigger conversation i feel could be had but everyone is really really focusing on the BETRAYAL of six dollars... and I feel like I'm going crazy because that wasn't even in my first handful of thoughts about why this was a bad idea

[theheadlessgroom]

@beatingheart-bride

In turn, Randall squeezed her hand back, as he drew in a deep breath. Despite his best efforts, clinging to the notion that his parents would at the very least be understanding once everything was laid out on the table for them, seeing that Emily really meant him no harm and that they truly were in love, there was no denying that growing cold pit in the bottom of his stomach, worsened only by her suggestion. A part of him sort of wanted to (however lamely) protest, instead suggest they save it for another day, and just enjoy themselves for now...

...he knew, in his heart, she was right. They would have to tell them at some point, and it was better to do it now rather than later; Randall had never been one keen to lie to his parents, and he knew the guilt of keeping such a massive secret from them would eat him up from the inside out. Thus, it was just better to get it out of the way-for both his and Emily's ease of mind.

"You're right," he sighed, as he brought her closer, wrapping his arm around her as he nodded, "They...they do deserve to know. I'll, uh...I'll give them a call in a little while, tell 'em when I'll be home, and that you'll be with me. We'll...we'll tell them together."

He punctuated this with another loving kiss, this one pressed to her cheek as he reassured her, "It'll be alright, Emily."

[dredshirtroberts]

people?? being niceys to me???? for no reason except loves me?????????????

it's more likely than i think, apparently.