#900 calories a day

[mrsterlingeverything]

How many gallons of water do you drink per day? I’ve managed 3 but anymore and my head really hurts.

Gallons?? Hello??

[echthr0s]

What got me thinking about this was that I was reading this substack post and this woman is talking about experiences that put her completely out of her element -- not just a little bit, but like. completely -- and how that is ultimately necessary for her, and so on. She's talking about habituation, which I'm learning is a natural process for the average human person. She's talking about how anxiety can be a byproduct of the modern urban capitalist world, and stepping out into more "earthy" ways of living awakens different parts of the brain, parts that are older and know better, and anxiety has no room to flourish. There is no room for worrying when you have to deal with no running water and biting insects and so on and so forth (she was writing about a jungle experience).

And of course my delicate ass was like, "wow, this is… immensely unrelatable", lol. The thing is, we have learned that we just do not habituate. To some small things, sure -- if I move my bed to a different corner, I eventually will get used to it. But there is nothing innately distressing to me, to our nervous system, about putting a bed in a different location. We cannot habituate to, say, the fact that our upstairs neighbour has his loud ass children over every weekend. We've lived here for 2 and a half years and that is still a source of stress for us. The exact same way it was in the beginning is the way it is now. We cannot habituate to a chronically messy house; we have learned to manage our feelings because we understand why it happens, we know it is largely out of our control, and the other party is doing their best, but we are not used to it. It is still stress. It will always be stress. It will always prevent us from feeling truly relaxed and comfortable in our home (our own room excepted, of course, heh). All our constitution points went into making the organs and skin and bones of this body strong and resilient, to make up for the fact that its central nervous system is made out of tissue paper.

We are not adaptable, is what this means. The fact that Ayin believed it must be is because of Grey, who had the fascinating ability to just disconnect from the nervous system altogether and impose his own values upon the body. The stuff this body could do and deal with while it was under Grey's control is genuinely incredible to me. But it was necessary. We would not have survived otherwise. If the body could have felt its distress, its disgust, its pain, the overwhelming stress of every single day, it would have fallen the fuck apart. But this also means we have a lot of outdated paradigms about ourself -- like that we can adapt to anything, that we are able to just power through anything. We absolutely fucking cannot! We are sensitive beyond measure and now that we know that, now that that truth lives in us daily, we cannot go back to how it was when Grey was here. We will never be that tough, that aggressive, that adaptable, that callous, that survivalist, ever again. We will need sheltering and protecting and patience and care for the rest of our life. Which can be a dangerous way to be, in a world like this. We know. We know. We persist in this truth, regardless.

[bugsinmystomach]

it's a metabolism day not a binge

it's a metabolism day not a binge

it's a metabolism day not a binge

ITS A METABOLISM DAY, NOT A BINGE🙏

[bladebiter]

In terms of will to live… we have no will to live

[triglycercule]

the amount of these chocolate yogurt bars i've been eating is INSANE!!!! i feel lik horror sans eating this shit bro became i KNOW he would absolutely devour these. he would eat the shit out of these. strawberry and vanilla. theyre so fucking good i cant stop eating i feel like a fatass but its ok its ok they taste good im allowed to indulge when i don't even eat lunch most days. theyre so fucking delicious 🤤🤤🤤 on a side note horror would also eat up that dehydrated yogurt i keep seeing on my youtube shorts (all i see on youtube shorts is food. all i see is food. its either cheesy noodly savory goodness or the most delectable sweet someone has ever made and i love it all)

he would decorate the little yogurt bowls with chocolate and nuts and berries and have it every morning. nightmare cannot start any missions before horror finishes his yogurt bowl because he refuses to do anything before his mandatory yogurt bowl. he does not share. dust tried it once and immediately hated it because wtf??? he's scared of it it feels unnatural. killer didn't even bat an eye at it because he doesnt eat lmao BUT OMG!!!! these yogurt bars are so fucking GOOD I CANT STOP I WONT STOP I DONT EVER STOP!!!!!!

[lith-myathar]

once you really start digging out of body shame and you then have to spend time around the family that made you that way and you just start to realize how much they just

never

shut

up

about it

[zynwarrior]

How to NOT binge:

(From someone whose 2 months binge free)

Info for restricting:

If you’re prone to binging after fasts. Then don’t fast.

You’d rather set a cal limit for yourself at either 700-900 for high res and 1000-1200 for low res.

By binging after fasts you undo all the work you put in and it makes you feel worse than eating in restriction.

Another point I’d like to make is that it is MUCH better to maintain than gain.

Fasting may show you faster results but there’s no point if you know you’re the type to binge and undo all that progress.

Low cal foods for restriction (that actually taste good):

Tuna

Chicken breasts *seasoning allowed, no sauce, unnecessary calories.

Whole grain pasta

Air fried sweet potatoes (my favorite)

Dark chocolate (for those of you with a sweet tooth like me)

FRUITS (blueberries, peaches, strawberries, kiwi are the best)

Zero cal drinks (flavoured water, sodas, energy drinks- I recommend something fizzy to bloat you because yes it will make you a bit queesy but it’s better than being hungry and regretting eating. I know feeling bloated feels disgusting but keep in mind that it’s extremely low cal and there is no way you are going to gain)

Use stevia or low cal sweeteners

Nutmilk over regular milk.

If you don’t have access to an air fryer, use coconut oil instead of olive or sunflower oil. Extremely low cal and food tastes exactly the same with lots more of health benefits.

Info for fasting;

Zero cal drinks, water, gum, zyns/nic pouches- they’re your new best friend.

No more than 24- 48hours if you end up binging after long fasts (48+ hours). Remember you are still not eating for a whole day, it is perfectly fine to be hungry. What’s important is that you control it. You’d rather eat low cal than binge on something like fast food.

Don’t do hectic workouts. You need energy to complete day to day activities and if you spend what little energy you have on working out your body will crave something to feed off of. Go on a long walk instead or use a treadmill.

Do calming yoga or Pilates. I recommend finding those on YouTube for beginners as it’s much less intense but still keeps you moving.

General tips for restriction:

Chew food slowly

If you overeat and want to purge do not brush your teeth after, it is far too harsh. Use mouthwash or mints. Wait 30 mins to brush again.

Count every cal. Keep a memo or notepad and write down exactly what you’ve eaten

Do not eat fast foods or processed unhealthy snacks just because they fit into your limit. Ultra-processed foods are made to keep you wanting more. You know that feeling when you just can’t put that packet of chips down? That’s the oil and salt which has been perfectly designed to keep you wanting it.

Keep busy. The busier you are the less time you have to eat MORE. Pick up a new hobby, deep clean, learn a new language or simply sleep it off.

General tips for fasting :

Whoever said don’t plan your meals is wrong. You need structure if you want to succeed. You cannot leave anything up to chance as if you don’t know what to eat, you eat everything.

When breaking a fast, the most important things are protein and fibre. Have 60/40 ratio of protein and fibre. 60% protein 40% fibre. It’s important to eat protein after a fast to regain strength and to maintain your hair and nails. Fibre to give you essential vitamins and help bowel movements.

As I said in my previous posts. DRINK YOUR WATER. In my experience drinking a DEATHLY amount of water makes me not even crave food.

Smoking or vaping (just don’t start if you don’t already but use your nic addiction as a tool/ not promoting)

That’s it! Hope you enjoyed and found this helpful<3

[ediet-the-right-way]

Hi! I'm 29. Do you have any advice to restrict safely? I want to lose weight but also not die lol

Yes!!! Tons lol

My main thing with restricting is macros .. as long as you play your macros right, binging and cravings are close to none. What that looks like is this:

1/2 plate is vegetable (straight up salad, or broccoli, cauliflower, etc)

1/4 plate is protein (meat, tofu)

1/4 plate is grains (like potato, rice, or pasta)

Fiber! (apples, leafy vegetables, think acidic fruits, etc) I hear a lot of things saying @n@‘s can’t poo, so this one is gonna keep you full, cravings at bay, and bowel movement a-flow lol

And most importantly a tsp of fat, etc olive oil or 1/4 avocado, some sort of fat. I know that sounds scary to some people but this one is the crazy important ones because without that little calorie of fat addition, that binge comes on like a whole problem. So that little sacrifice is worth a lot

And doing this mainly keeps me under 900 calories most days

Other ways that can look is thru cooking everything from scratch to make sure each macro is hit .. for example, I made pancakes from scratch yesterday morning, (almond flour (fat/carb), egg whites (protein), sugar free syrup (small carb) and that ended up keeping me full for almost the entire day.

It’s a lot about calories but breaking down the macros is what keeps this stuff at bay.

But for simplicity, each meal should be equal parts of all macros.

Always focus on macros!!

Always restrict safely! ✨

[pickapea]

working in the hospital has rewired my brain forever and now my long-time eating disordered ass and calories are in a beautiful, healthy relationship. believe it or not, spending 8 hours a day for years trying to convince old and sickly people that they must eat and that all food is better than no food and that calorie maxxing is the ultimate goal of the day can actually make you think entirely differently about food overall. i know exactly how many calories every single food and ingredient in the world has now and im not even being weird about it

i love you, nutritional supplements

[epigstolary]

Deaf Ears

The half-eaten burger is still sitting on top of its wrapper, right where you left it on your nightstand. Three patties, six slices of cheese, smothered in grilled onions and special sauce. Each one easily over 1,000 calories. This was the third one you’d had today.

I tried to warn you about what would happen if you kept gaining at the rate you were going. I’d hoped that one of the many red flags about what you were doing to yourself would get your attention. That you might stop and take stock of what was happening when you got too fat to fit in the driver’s seat of your car. Or the passenger seat. Or when you started needing the cane to walk because your legs couldn’t handle the weight. Or when you moved on to the bariatric walker. Or when you needed the hoists and handles just to get out of bed.

But no, none of that made any impression. If anything, as your body grew and swelled and ballooned with new fat, you relished it. You spent more and more of your time just fondling the widening sweep of your belly, the plumper and fuller curve of your chest, the multiplying peaks and valleys of your side rolls. I could tell you enjoyed the bounce and wobble of your increasingly full, heavy, pendulous ass and hips on the increasingly brief occasions when you got up to walk anywhere. Having to lumber around, lugging the weight of your burgeoning thighs and blobby calves, both increasingly shapeless and unidentifiable, was a constant reminder of just how much your fat was taking over your body.

It shouldn’t have been any surprise, then, that you let the gains accelerate — wanted them to. For every time I suggested you try to at least gain clean, you insisted on getting whatever the most fattening, sugary, greasy, caloric option might be ten times over. You kept me busy making sure you were never without something you could be guzzling down, never in any danger of not being completely full, let alone hungry. The truly embarrassing amount of food in our kitchen, all of which would get dumped down your throat in a matter of days and replaced by the next batch, never fazed you. If anything, on the rare occasions you stopped and realized how much garbage you were putting away, your pudgy face would beam with obscene pride, any hint of shame at your condition — if you even felt it — buried by lust for the next family-size serving or tray of junk food coming your way.

But today was the day you stopped being able to ignore the consequences of indulging your worst habits. Nobody but you was surprised that an 800 (900? 1,000? We’ve been flying blind since you crushed the scale) pound hog is unsteady on their feet. You were making your usual stumbling shuffle from the bed to the couch and, too eager to have your morning box of coffee cakes, sent all your fat wobbling the wrong direction. At your size the walker wasn’t any help as you twisted, heard a snap, and went down in a blubbery heap. There was no way I could get you up from there, even if your fall hadn’t broken something.

Maybe the trip with the paramedics — having to let your enormously bloated body be manhandled onto a bariatric stretcher and bundled into an ambulance — will humble you a little from here on out. Maybe you’ll ease up on the gaining, and the constant eating. Or, probably more likely, being stuck in bed while you recover and the stress of trying to rehab a broken bone at your size will just drive you to gorge yourself to oblivion.

I’m not sure you could even stop if you tried, at this point. You and your body are too used to the constant flood of calories, sugar, endorphins to give that up, or even reduce it by much. You’re probably looking at some pretty steep gains, at a time when you’re least able to compensate for them, unless you do something drastic. And like usual, you’re probably going to insist that I keep a steady flow of garbage coming to you while you’re at the hospital — which definitely won’t make it any easier for you to maintain your weight. We’ll be lucky if you’re still small enough to get you back home once your treatment is done. More likely, you’ll end up ballooning too big for any ambulance to be able to cram all your lard inside. Too big to measure in pounds anymore, but instead how much of your hospital bed you take up — or overflow. Someone the staff talk about in hushed whispers as they watch you eat yourself out of the last few things your shapeless blob body is still barely able to do.

I tried to warn you, and you didn’t listen. This is your last chance to turn things around and save yourself from spending the rest of your life like this. But the text you just sent me asking to bring another slew of burgers to the hospital tells me you’re probably not going to take it. That you’re probably ending up inhumanly fat, immobile, and helplessly buried in your own bulk, no matter how much you may eventually come to regret it.

Guess that means I get to see just how much bulk we can make in the time you have left.

[littlelillycatsworld]

weight loss breakdown (for once not a mental one impressive ik)

as promised heres my weight loss breakdown. I have awful brain fog words aren't working properly (using any and all brain power on English rn) and it's a bit all over the place please be patient with me I have most definitely forgotten some stuff I'll update when I remember

this is not healthy this is what works for me I know the limits of my body you are your own person please look after yourself and don't compare yourself to me. I'm a professional ballerina and ex-taekwondow artist

please be polite don't leave unsolicited advice if I need or want it I'll ask and right now I DONT.

I'm not suggesting that anyone should attempt to fallow this since this is actually insane

DRINKS

I drink lemon honey water or tea for breakfast most days depending on how much calorie dread I have (does that make sense?)

I will only allow myself to drink water, tea or diet coke/zero or ultra monster throughout the day

MEALS

OMAD when possible budget is 900 I rarely ever make it close to my budget

I'll only intentionally eat dinner unless forced otherwise. I must burn off whatever I can from dinner since I don't have classes that late

some days it's completely unavoidable and I have to eat snacks due to outside pressure like friends and family or my manager (he's apparently hell bent on keeping my ass alive)

binges happen we (I) acknowledge them we (me) move

if I feel faint when In class nothing matters I WILL eat I cannot run the risk of hurting myself or my dance partner when it's him who will be the one who makes sure i dont hit the ground

META DAYS

meta days are important please take them!

I must allow myself 2 grace days a week and I try to be gentle with myself. (essentially I'm gentle parenting myself on these days)

I try not to fall into my normal over the top exercise routine since I still haven't figured out how to make these days my bitch

my cal budget is normally around 1400 for these days

EXERCISE

I must do 10k steps at least (normally much closer to 25k)

I start every day off with a mile run sometimes 2 (depending on how much I want to not exist and weather conditions)

i go to the gym at my dorm when weather conditions are bad or it's to cold for me I run on the treadmill it's not as mentally stimulating as outside but I don't like the rain ice or wind too much

i can be expected to be dancing for 8-9hrs on my longest day so for the most part I don't need to worry too much about forcing myself to burn calories but it gives me peace of mind I burn an estimated 4500cal these days (impossible to know for sure since 2 teachers don't allow activity trackers)

around 3000 on my normal days but again 2 teachers are a pain In my ass

I play just dance religiously at this point it takes me 2hrs to burn 500 I do this after dinner or twice a day on the weekends where possible.

I still practice taekwondo and go to a studio to do classes once a week but it's not as extreme as it used to be (no longer training 6 days a week and doing competitions)

WEIGHING

I weigh myself most days

I don't weigh myself during my meta days I don't need the added mental stress

I get weighed by my school once a week but only update my profile if there is a big difference either up or down (accountability and all that)

FASTS

I normally do 24hr since omad

I don't count my medication, gum, diet coke/zero tea or lemon honey water as breaking my fast. if this keeps me mentally stable then idk it doesn't count (politely eat a brick if you try to tell me otherwise)

I always try to get at least one longer fast a week normally after dinner on wednesday to Friday dinner sometimes I can make it to Saturday dinner it just depends on who's around to make me eat

if your wondering how I've survived this far all I can say is I'm a spiteful little bitch who's going to prove a whole list of people wrong

[femmefatalevibe]

Hello, Femme!

I would like your advice on a couple of things, if that's okay. This is a lot, so I apologize.

I am young and nearing my 20's, and I am only recently trying to learn how to invest in myself, my self-care/wellbeing, and my future.

I've grown up in poverty, in a male-dominant household, and my mother (the only other woman in the house) was emotionally and physically absent for most of my childhood so I was never taught proper hygiene, self-care and in general really crucial things that a woman should know. I think also because of these factors (as well as sexual assault history and being afraid of predators), I've never learned how to be in tune with my body and its needs and how to be feminine, and how to embrace it.

I've been trying to find female role models on Youtube, but the sheer amount of channels and content has me overwhelmed. In other aspects of my life aside from physical care, I have no clue what I'm doing and what I should do.

I'm making almost $900 a month thanks to my dad's SS benefits because he's retired, and I want to get the things that I need/want (physical self-care, exercise equipment, room decorations/furniture, clothing, etc.) as well as investing in the future (car, apartment, etc.). Do you have some ideas as to what I should get or recommended channels on women's health and self-care?

Lastly, what does femininity mean to you? What does it mean to be feminine or a woman? I understand that it's a very subjective question, but I would really appreciate your outlook on it. :)

I hope this explains my circumstances well and I hope I wrote my questions well enough for you to understand.

I hope you have a wonderful day!

Hi love,

I'm so glad you're here <3 Proud of the headspace you've managed to acquire at such a young age.

I would say the most important self-care and women's health things you can do is to get the basics down in a way that realistic and sustainable for you. These healthy habits include:

Eating healthy meals (more than once!) per day and healthy snacks as necessary and getting any necessary vitamin supplements you need (like b12 or additional vitamin d)

Drink plenty of water

Limit/eliminate highly processed foods or drinks (calories are just a form of energy, so be more mindful of where they come from on a daily basis–– don't be afraid of them but don't neglect laws of thermodynamics lol)

Get plenty of sleep (7-9 hours every/most nights)

5-7x week/movement (walking/a simple exercise routine or sport you love)

Hygiene (skincare, shower, haircare, nailcare, laundry, house cleaning)

For health/workout-related ideas based on your question, I would recommend the following YouTubers:

Natacha Oceane

Caroline Girvan

Lilly Sabri

Pamela Reif

As for what feminity means to me, it's a tough answer to articulate, so I hope this covers it:

Unlearning patriarchial ideas to discover, validate, and act on your own needs, desires, goals, and pursuits of pleasure without shame and/or allowing it to in any way dictate how you perceive your social currency (especially in relation to the patriarchy).

Hope this helps xx

[justwater4meeeeeeee]

hey, water!!!

sorry abt ur account getting termed ://.

I am ashamed to say that I’ve been binging for about a week (then succumbing to mia to “make up” for it) and just four or five days ago I was 104 lbs—but now the scale reads 110.

My gw is 94 lbs and I’m starting to lose motivation (it’s my own doing lol).

Sorry for monologging—but how should I proceed??

Thank you and lots of love 🫶🫶🫶!!

Hiii!

Nothing to be ashamed of, whatever happened happened and it’s time to move forward. Make sure you are drinking plenty of water (even when I used to purge I would still lose weight so make sure you are drinking water so your body stops retaining all the water from the food)

Figure out how much you used to binge on and lower your intake to either your maintenance (if your binges where too high) or to 800/900 (if your binges where around your maintenance or not too high up)

Focus on volume eating low calorie foods, and get rid of all the food that you binge on.

Start working out a little bit and make yourself some ultimatums like “I won’t eat passing 6pm” or “won’t eat until noon” or “won’t eat until I complete 30 squats”

Forgive yourself and move on, we are so close<3

[blood-cherri]

What to do when you're in a platue

A platue is mainly caused when your body is in a survival mode. This usually happens 1-2 weeks of eating below +-500 c@ls a day. When your body is in this state, it BURNS LESS CALORIES. This means that your daily BMR (how mamy cals you burn just for living daily) is lowered by 10% - 15% in the span of those weeks. This can also usually lead to muscle loss. To prevent this you need a refeed day. This means making your calorie intake higher for 1 day. So if you eat 600 cals a day eat 900-1000 for one day. I know this can be scary, but it WILL help you lose weight faster. A refeed day restarts your metabolism.

How to know you need a refeed:

- Lack of energy

- Mental fog or irritability

- Stalled weight loss/platue (personally, I only do a refeed when this happens)

How to prevent hitting a platue:

- Consume more protein

- Build muscle

(Muscle helps burn calories 💪)

I am not a doctor, I get my knowledge from Google and GPT. I write this to help people understand things better. You don't have to follow my advice if you don't want to. Refeeding is just an option for when you hit a platue and you want to get out of it <3

[sadstrever]

i’m still 114lbs. i feel sick. yesterday was an awful day, i came home and had an out of body chew and spit session. i wish there was more research on this part of ed’s, or just more people who talked about it because i can’t be alone in this. i refuse to believe i’m the only sick person who does disgusting shit like this. anyways the reason why i call it an out of body experience is because it’s almost like binging-just without all the swallowing of food. i came home and immediately started doing it and filled up 1 and 1/2 2 liter bottles with food. i spent 5 hours doing this without even realizing and pretty much emptied out my whole families fridge. the guilt i felt afterwards was worse than a binge in my opinion. not only did i totally waste SO MUCH food, make a huge mess, ended up with disgusting bottles of mush in my room, i also have to face the consequences of my family coming home to an empty fridge. but when they got home they were happy that i “ate.” god i’m such a fucking piece of shit.

anyways after all that i took 4 laxatives to try and get the guilt of wasting the food out of me. i woke up in the morning today in terrible pain but still had to go to class, cuz what am i supposed to tell my parents? “yeah i haven’t eaten in almost a month and basically just threw all the food we have out in the trash and i also took 4 laxatives, can i please stay home tehe?” so i went to 1 class and ended up leaving because the pain was so excruciating. straight from class i went to the gym and somehow burnt 900 calories because i guess that’s what guilt does to me. i had to take the bus 2 hours home afterwards(bus delays and i went to a new further gym location this time), high out of my mind. i’m home now and my stomach hurts but the laxatives finally did their job. i don’t want to keep doing this. 4 years ago i said i’d recover and then i didn’t. since then i’ve forgotten about recovery (with the exception of a few random moments here and there that i block out immediately), i am so used to living in this fucking misery that i didn’t realize how abnormal my reality is. i don’t want to be a bad person anymore. but i can’t stop lol.

this is what bothers me about the girls who romanticize this disorder SO MUCH, when much of the time they haven’t realized how difficult it can become. i know i’ve done this, even now sometimes as a coping mechanism. but man, i’m sick of it.

i have a friend who writes poetry and she wrote a poem about eating disorders that make me so fucking angry. the thing is, i’ve known her for years and she’s always had the best relationship with food out of most of the people i know. she’s naturally pretty thin(not too thin but normal) and she’s very open about her struggles. i know every single one of her stories, i know she’s diagnosed with adhd. that’s HER disorder, that i don’t understand so i DONT write fucking POETRY about it. a few months ago she kind of forced me into opening up about my eating disorder. after i did, suddenly she started writing these stories about her eating disorder-very very very suspiciously similar to mine. i obviously didn’t tell her everything but i told her about how long this has been going on and just my emotions about it. seeing her start to adapt my fucking disorder into her poetry disgusted me. she glamorized the fuck out of it and made me feel so stupid for ever opening up about it. she’s naturally skinny so she got a bunch of support from our friend group from it and i’m just upset man. i’m sick of living in misery while other people can use the idea of living in pain for attention.

i promised my best friend that in 3 weeks i’ll go back to therapy and try my best to recover. it’s not true. man it’s never fucking true. it’s never fucking over. unlike ms.deep-poetry-girl i can’t just fucking write this and log off and then eat a good warm meal and talk to my parents without them mentioning my body. i can’t wake up tomorrow morning and hug them without worrying that they’re gonna feel my bones. i can’t wear shorts anymore without people noticing the bruises. i can’t go to school and keep my focus because i have nothing to feed my brain. i can’t let anyone get close because soon enough they’ll be just like YOU. OR they’ll hate me for not wanting to get better. i can’t love myself like you do because of the disgusting things i do each day. i can’t wake up thinner and suddenly stop hating myself. FUCK YOUUUUUUUU GOD IM SO SICK OF IT GOD. whatever im done. just sick and tired.

[ouranbutworse]

Kyoya: I haven't gotten an F since I failed recess in second grade. I was a painfully boring child.

Kaoru: You're still boring now.

Kaoru: I hope Hikaru is okay, he can get pretty insecure when he's alone.

Hikaru at the other end of the school: Kaoru? KAORU?!

Mori: When Shania Twain says "let's go girls" I feel like I could kick a door off its hinges.

Tamaki: I wasn't sure what to get Antoinette for her birthday so I bought her the same Apple watch as me so we match.

Mrs. Ootori: Fuyumi, don't get pregnant. Getting pregnant with Kyoya was the worst mistake of my life.

Kyoya: I'm right here.

Mrs. Ootori: Oh right, I forgot. Apparently I tried to kick him away, like giraffes do at the zoo.

Kyoya: ... I'm doing so well emotionally.

Tamaki: Where do babies come from?

Yuzuru: Tamaki, I'm sure we've talked about this.

Tamaki: Yeah, but I'm blanking. Two guys, right?

Kaoru: Sorry, we have to leave early, Ageha's school called, she tried to play God at the science fair again.

Tamaki: I'll pay for your lunch, Haruhi!

Haruhi: Oh, okay.

Lunchlady: That'll be 100,000 yen.

Tamaki: ...What the fuck?

Mori: I love my friends. They never demand I speak. I can go nonverbal and listen to them like they're a podcast.

Kyoya: My smartwatch just congratulated me on my run and said I burned 300 calories... I was sat down eating a cheeseburger.

Tamaki: Hikaru, Kaoru, FBI agents don't hold hands!

Hikaru: These ones do!

Kaoru: Yeah, and they sleep in the same bed!

Honey: While we were in Boston I got this 10% off coupon, it saved me $90 at a bakery!

Mori: He saved $90 on a $900 purchase, and he's still happy about it.

Kyoya: Right, I'm leaving for my doctor's appointment. Please behave while I'm gone.

Kaoru: Still trying to find your soul?

Kyoya: Oh please, they gave up on that when I was less than a year old.

Hikaru: The oneesan from the train poster I fell in love with got pregnant, so I've been crying about that for a few nights now.

Kaoru: Next time, tell a therapist that instead of me.

Renge: Hey, what did you guys get for number twelve?

Kaoru: I got eighteen.

Haruhi: I got nine point five.

Hikaru: I got Abraham Lincoln... for some reason.

Hikaru: Can we ride our new scooters outside?

Kyoya: Do whatever, I'm not your mother.

Hikaru: Okay! Weee!

Kyoya: Not in the street!

Midwife: Halloween, what a day to go into labour, eh? I'll get a nurse to wipe the face paint off.

Reiko: No, I want to look like this. I put it on after I went into labour.

Akira: Hey, I just rolled over in bed and Hikaru is here with me. Is Kaoru with you?

Renge: Let me check... yes.

Akira: Great, I'll be there in ten to make the swap.

Kyoya: I'm getting blackmailed at school...

Fuyumi: What?!

Yuuichi: Nobody blackmails our baby brother but us!

Akito: Yeah, messing with Kyoya is a privilege, not a right!