#5 years and i still miss her
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12/31💐
#2020 and i feel like it was yesterday#5 years and i still miss her#2024#2020#2025#12/31#nye#new year's eve#flowers#cemetery#i miss her
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aisjsjjensnJAJAJ
#because… we wrote one idiot 😭!!!#I guess wp and nbs just learned that black ppl have our own National anthem and are of course spazzing tf out#just… write one?#yourselves??? if this is such a big deal like kskskskskl#there’s no arguing with racists but this is still funny#I saw a few black folks not know about it but they probably either went to white schools or aren’t from America so they missed out on#having to sing lift every voice and sing for 5 days a week 8 years straight#I only sung it for 7 since my 8th grade teacher didn’t care if we did it or not#I just didn’t feel like standing up sorry and I’m sure her lazy ass didn’t either that’s why she didn’t care lmfao#no wait I did do it for 8 years because my mom made my teacher hold me back in 3rd grade 🗿…. so#crying#you can feel the antiblackness roll off of that ‘s’#rambling
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"i could fix her" well i could accept her as she is.
this came to me like a vision while i was walking to school listening to dream girl evil this morning
#i mean i would definitely fix her if i could#as much as s4/5 morgana gives me a lesbian attack#s1/2 morgana is so gf and i miss her :((#morgana pendragon#bbc merlin#merlin#merlin edit#my edits#bbc merlin spoilers#i laugh to myself every time i type that tag out#like yes the show ended 11 years ago. yes im still tagging spoilers#i dont want my gf to get spoiled when shes only on s2.
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hello hi I have no idea how I started drawing again
#fanart#sketch#bnha#my art#league of villains#shigaraki tomura#toga himiko#togachako#yeah one of these is literally called by a ship name#so yeah#dabi#toya todoroki#I lost my paper figure of Toga I made 5 years ago and I still process this#like... how the hell did I manage that I have no idea#also I remembered today that I missed her bithday due to me working#so I missed a lot of birthdays AND end of mha AND a ton of GF stuff were the only things keeping me sane#bc while I read or thing of mha I'm not looking sane enough#also I needed a break#BUT STILL it's sad that I missed so many things#anyway goodnight#it's 3 am
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maybe the real voltron was the friends we made along the way
#so i finished. feels like they did not put a lot of thought into shiro or hunk's epilogue lmfao#overall i dont think it was Bad. it could have been better yknow. but again. it feels like they just needed a little extra time to breathe#in development. it's just bones.#i do think perhaps some of the criticisms i have seen of it are just from people pissing on the poor#i could fix her!!! ough i really do want to rewrite this sdnfksjfd but that would unfortunately require. having to watch this again#and i cant do that in 24 hours#im so sad this is disappearing. this is the only show for which i ever stayed up for the midnight PST release#back when only season 1 and maybe 2? were out i used to watch them constantly. sometimes in spanish to practice#like i wouldnt have ever finished without the threat of it leaving but this is the worst timing to reawaken my affection for it lmao#grateful for it. wish i hadnt waited so long#i did need time to forget the insanity tho bc if i had made myself keep going and finish at the time#it would have poisoned the ending i think. nice to finally watch those last 4-5 episodes with a fresh perspective#but at the same time this is How Many Years ive missed out on being able to talk about it lmao#maybe there is a renaissance. idk i havent looked into it too much but i guess i should now huh#we'll see if things are any different or if it's just the same shit i got tired of the first time around#but anyway. the show is still fun and i enjoyed it for the most part. very sad to see it go#mine#voltron
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It’s so embarrassing and heartbreaking being in so much pain over losing someone while knowing they don’t give a fuck if you live or die. Your favorite person becoming a stranger is a special kind of hell.
#I fucking hate having bpd#while I’m at it I don’t understand the fuckin audacity some people have to say they love you and do horrible things to you#I feel so stupid#I feel so stupid for believing all the lies#but I was so in love and put him on such a pedestal that I just allowed it all.#thinking about someone constantly and grieving over them and knowing they’re perfectly fine and to them you don’t exist#I’m still in such a state of grief and I don’t understand why time hasn’t healed#it honestly feels like it’s gotten worse w time#I just torture myself but I can’t help it my brain wants me dead#it’s so painful I feel so fucking stupid#being abandoned with no closure by someone who’s your entire world#for someone they were unfaithful to you with multiple times (I don’t even know how many and dony want to know) immediately#like that was the plan all along#he took our cat hundreds of miles away and I don’t even know if he still has her or if she’s still alive and I miss her every day#I never loved someone like that and it feels like the heartbreak is actually physically killing me#i spent 1/5 of my entire life with him#I was my prettiest and had the best body at the time and I wasted it on someone who didn’t appreciate me#not wasted. it wasn’t wasted. we had some incredible times together#I’ll never be that beautiful again#and now idk what do so bc i can’t decide which is worse: being alone and isolating or loving deeply and ending up horribly hurt all over#it’s all just so upsetting.#and I feel so stupid for allowing it all#he knows more about me than anyone and he made me feel like he loved me so much sometimes and then did horrid things and it’s so fucked up#nobody read this I’m so embarrassed and horribly broken#it traumatized me so much there was so much abuse and pain idk if I’ll ever recover#I deserved it but it still hurts my heart#I was so mentally ill and sick I know it had to have been miserable to be around me#there are so many things only he understands and knows about me and I need to talk about them I j wanna b able to b there 4 each other#but that girl is so beyond insecure and controlling so. if I want to talk to who fuckin gets me I’m just fucked#why lead someone on like that for years knowing you’re going to abandon them the second it’s convenient
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Got Aventurine in 60 pulls!
He’s so auxhuehuche I’m so happy I have him now
#This is actually from 10 days ago but i forgot to post it so#I started on the 20th and i just got to equilibrium 3#Im at the part where we should leave luofu but we visit a few friends we made along the way or smth#Im so happy hes my first limited 5 star i love him#Hes my second oshi after dan heng or maybe even my first#I want to change the voicing to english for aventurine but i cant bring myself to abandon ito kento as dan heng#Maybe i can just change it to en for most of penacony and change it back when jing yuan and dan heng somehow appear#Ugh im still regretting missing out on jing yuan voiced by cyyu#But Ito kento#But i also like english dan heng too omg#Oh i also want to hear eng dr ratio bc he acts slightly differently towards aventurine compared to like jp#Like he sounded much more uh passionate in the aventurine keeping up with star rail video and i was living for it#hsr#hsr aventurine#honkai star rail#Aventurine#aventurine hsr#star rail aventurine#Hm idk im not sure if i should skip all 4 characters in 2.2 and after that (firefly and jade etc)#I have almost 100 tickets saved rn but like im not rly sure ab pulling for any of them#Idk im not really attached to any of the characters rn#Maybe i should wait for ruan mei? I don’t particularly love her tho shes inhumane but pretty idrc#Firefly and robin are apparently rly good but i feel like im baiting myself everytime i read another reddit thread and watch another video#Like idk the only 5 stars i have are yanqing dr ratio and aventurine all e0s0 and i dont feel like pulling for topaz either (boothill idk)#im really tempted to pull for jingliu but im probably going to pull for dhil maybe next year when he reruns just bc i like him so again idk
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aye can i get a fuckin uuuhhhh
break. on my burger
#shit chat#family cw#got sicker than i have been in years my bank closed my checking account on accident work is nightmarishly busy#and my mother is sending strings of long voice memos in the family group chat again#i simply will not be listening to them. at most i'll ask my dad or brother for the sparknotes version#bc her pattern for the better part of this year has been radio silence. no attempt at communication whatsoever#and then BAM like 5-10 min worth of voice memos screaming crying sobbing shaking#I DON'T KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO GET MY CHILDREN TO FORGIVE ME. I'M CRAWLING ON MY KNEES ON THE DESERT FOR A HUNDRED YEARS REPENTING#WHAT THE FUCK IS FAMILY FOR YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING AND I'M SUFFERING SO MUCH AND I'M ALONE BECAUSE#MY FAMILY ABANDONED ME. I HAVE NO ONE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID BUT I'M BEGGING. I NEED HELP I NEED MY KIDDOS AROUND ME PLEASE I'M DYING#followed by several minutes of sordid updates on her shitty miserable life#which is tbf pretty shitty & miserable. she's extremely physically disabled & mentally ill#her partner had a severe stroke a couple months ago and is still recovering. they've both been in & out of hospital#neither working. partner's adult son who lives with them is the only income in the household#partner's permanently disabled mother also lives with them. plus 2 large dogs 6 cats and 3 each of chickens & ducks#they're in court suing their landlord bc he's trying to evict them but the property is an uninhabitable shithole to begin with#but like. whenever i do make the mistake of responding to one of her groupchat tantrums#she's just like 'oh you know me im a survivor :) i just miss yous is all :) now that you're here i'm gonna bitch about my life for an hour#and ignore everything you have to say and show active disdain & boredom whenever you tell me anything about yourself or your life :)'#and if i offer help she refuses it#like it's just a bid for attention. expecting unconditional love and absolution and salvation from us bc That's What Families Do#she doesn't actually seem to give a shit about any of us as real people. just this ironclad delusion of unconditional family support#that she frankly has not earned#my brother actually did go visit her in the hospital on thanksgiving. driving 2hrs out of his way to do so#and she was a raging passive aggressive bitch to him and threw the gift he'd brought her back in his face#ma'am i know you're Going Through It but so are the rest of us & frankly you've given me zero reason to want to interact w/ ur caustic ass#plus this is petty but yet another way in which she doesn't listen to me & makes no attempt whatsoever at genuine relationship#i've told her numerous times that responding to groupchat voice memos is hard for me. that i love & miss her#and if she wants to see me or needs help or whatever to please contact me one on one either by call or text#nope. refuses to respond to/initiate individual contact. ONLY traumadumping in the fam chat. TLDR MY MOM IS A DISFUNCTIONAL TOXIC NIGHTMARE.
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Jonathan Byers who wanted to escape Hawkins since he was six. Except he's absolutely miserable in California but insisting he has to stay.
#you LOVE to see it#by you i mean me#cause like yea he needs to stay for Mom and Will but is there a small part of him that thought it'd be different outside of Hawkins?#but it's not#he's the same#so he might as well stay with them because at least he has them#AND THEN#the added thing of knowing that just a couple years ago he wouldn't have cared about leaving Nancy behind#but it's so evident in California that he misses her constantly#but he STILL wants her to leave him because the problem isn't Hawkins it's Jonathan#GIMME 5 MINUTES WITH THAT COCONUT I COULD FIX HIM#DUFFERS LET ME WRITE THE BYERS IN CALIFORNIA BOOK I BEG#jonathan byers#stranger things
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Ok 66 and 73 aren’t bad runs, a bit younger than some make it but not young by any means. Also dying in the same year when being in two separate age/health brackets like that is concerning but I’m sure it’s fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine
oh, that's the year death does them part, they don't go at the same time haha
#Raf goes on to live 5-7 years more and it's actually a pretty peaceful time for him.#I could tell you about the comfort he finds in feeling the heartache of missing her while still being able to enjoy day to day life#as a thing she did for him#and as a way she is still with him#:3c
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Happy one year anniversary to my ex-best friend who got married 5 minutes away from my home and didn't invite me. I thought we were still chill and good enough for wedding invites but, I guess not. Still hurts, hope y'all are happy tho.
#ohp its me again#gender#anyway#still love her dearly. still wish her the best.#but um. turns out she Was lying when she answered my question 5 years ago.#turns out guys: if you ask your friends (that are deep in snotty christian circles) how you can be a better friend to them- they just lie#they just lie and then back off. and you will be left with the hope you'd grown for them. and you will forever almost wish they could takeit#shoutout to best friends who like. will discuss issues and hard things. shoutout to friends who give truthfully the criticism you ask for#shoutout to caiah too honestly. i thought we were kindred souls with the same neurological differences. turns out you didnt want that#sorry ig#anyway. rant over i miss my friend but i dont miss the person she has chosen to be. and i hope she takes care of herself.
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and when i live on my own ill be able to decorate like real life decorate ive never gotten to do that in real life b4
#like im not barred from doing it Nd i do like. a little bit kind of but its like. Idk my entire life is a very transient thing and im rly#rly rly not used to being in one place for a long time so as a kid we never rly decorated ever#and like obv i wont be Owning a house or anything like that so itll still have to be moveable but i can like. but furniture that i like and#stuff... ive never gotten to do that b4 even in um. wa. i didnt rly get to do any of the decorating even when i was in the actual house bc#him and the roommates umm. did all that. Okay well now ive sort of freaked it by making myself think of that so im going to go stare#longingly at the floorplan i did#bc umm. well ideally id like to move into one of the apartments thats right across the way bc theres a couple of apt buildings like right#there 5 min walk tops and one of the places Has an open one but no floorplan#i wont be movjng out for ages i just wanted to look at floorplans yk#but like i said no floorplans BUT theres one a bit further away not rly walkable bc its umm#youd have to walk on the interstate and stuff and um. no sidewalk and everything but theeeeeeeeee thing had a floorplan#still very close by like 2 min drive but yk. but i still did my little mockup floorplan with that apartment instead#i want it to be closeby so everybody can come visit and so that i dont die and explode . i dont rly want to continue living in this town#4ever once km like Normal and have savings and ive got everything worked out i wanna maybe move to chicago or something since il is better#for the transgenderisms. + ive always wanted to try living in a big city at least once and i think itd be awesome#but thats Ages and ages away like maybe 5 years depending on how good i am. weeee will see if 5 years in the future is like on the table 4#me LOLLLL 24 year old connor seems rly crazy to imagine. but anyways....#but itll be nice to move out and still be in town bc then i can have the same job yk . and maybe ill know how to drive atp and i can like .#buy a car ..or something . if i do know how to drive#which i probably should since this town very car dependent and i dont want my mom to have to drive me to work esp if umm. i dont live with#them ... im just rly rly rly rly rly fucking scared of driving but i know also in my heart that when i do know how to drive the bond between#me and that car will be crazyyyy like. idk how many of you followed me last year but you may remember my insane bond with angel my cart from#work and there was a lot gokng on woth that <- was Very delusional at the time and i was convinced that she was a sentient thing and had the#power to make my life better or worse if i upset her so i said good morning and goodnight to her every single day so that i could have a#good day . looking back on it probably was something to be concerned abt but whatever.... she is still my best friend and i do miss her#deeply#her bathtub and heater were my besttt friends when i was in wa LOL. i was quite unwell#bathtub is still in my room tho yayyy. heater lives with lamp now and angel is of course at my old job....#bathtub currently is holding a project i gave up on. everyone say thank.you bathtub im looking at her right now
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it's been a while since i've cried hard enough to have a headache but. sure got there today, babes!
#ghost speaks#personal#ripped my favorite tights i've had for 5+ years and can't replace#can't return my glasses#got ptsd triggered by going past my old church because i took a wrong turn because i was. crying about not being able to return my glasses#have been crying for a solid 40 minutes straight#am still incredibly aware of how isolated and lonely i am#my parents are on vacation so i won't see a friendly face or get a hug till sunday night at the earliest#just. doing BAD#(well. there is the faint hope that the office manager will take pity on me since her office literally cannot manufacture lenses#that will meet my needs)#(but considering i spent a lot of the last hour yelling and begging out loud trying to work out a maximally sympathetic pitch)#(and also dreading 1-2 years of not having transition lenses because theirs fuck with my color vision)#(i'm not sure the hope makes things. better?)#i am gonna. make hot chocolate because it sounds like a marginal improvement over crying without that#the last time i couldn't stand up or i'd start crying harder was yesterday but boy did i not miss it#i thought i might feel better in the morning. ha. ha ha. ha#(like i know this is temporary i'm just. i just. i am so tired and SO stupidly ridiculously incredibly upset)#(like my emotional equilibrium right now is. not)
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The earthquake was 6 days ago and they just today were able to free (and find) the remains of a young family under meters and meters of rock, unable to even be IDed from appearance. Two of the bodies were still embracing. It’s A Lot…
Edit: I guess a week ago now damn
#death toll is only at 16 with only 3 still missing which is actually great but it still sucks… a whole family 11 8 and 5 years old…#most of the deaths were hikers crushed by landslides#also one lady a teacher had her house collapse and got out on time#but went back in for her cat and got crushed in an aftershock#that shit is so hard#like the country is so small I’ve been to all these places and hiked all these trails…#the cat lady was a teacher…#you know? anyway sorry#reminds me of the huge train crash a couple years ago I was driving near… I was supposed to be on that train…#death mention tw#tian talks
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#my great grandfather spent 5 years in a gulag in Siberia#on forced marches and tortured#I have the photo of his wife and kids he carried the whole time—so worn out you can hardly see it#his little wife fought soldiers with her bare hands to protect her kids#my grandfather was 10-13 in those years and missing 3 years of memory from the trauma#all his cousins were killed#his dad and uncles survived by fighting dirty and the biggest fuck everybody attitude on the planet#my grandpa still has nightmares and sometimes I can’t breathe#ever realized the war isn’t over?
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I love how pandas are so entrenched into my theming and personality now that my mom stopped in the middle of her errands to buy me a panda onesie because she saw it and immediate knew I'd want one
#for the record I have previously expressed a desire for a panda themed onesie. about four years ago#but I also am known to wear onesies and have around 6 of other animals#so it's absolutely a testament to the panda thing again#also my mom came home and her first words were “Im the best mom ever”#(to which I responded “well yeah but I feel like ur saying this bc something prompted it?”)#((and. indeed getting a panda onesie after 6 years of yearning for one. we took pictures for the family gc and everything))#like we have to put it in the laundry first so it wont shed on me too much but I did wear it for like 5 seconds#and I'm still happy and hyped from those 5 seconds#and. for the record. pandas aren't even my favorite animal to any particular capacity#like I like them fine enough? but my favorite mammal is absolutely feline and my favorite animal overall is probably a bird#unfortunately can't narrow it down more specifically bc all felines are awesome (Im big on lions and caracals personally)#(but tigers and leopards and lynx and domesticated and all are also awesome!)#and. idk. all birds are great#Im usually fond of water birds (that are not waterfowl) like kingfishers#recently a bit more vibing with the local fauna tho. so rn Im in a wagtail phase#and as always corvids never miss#and also like vultures and passerines#other birds also cool but typically thats where my interests lie#sometimes also birds of prey. usually falcons but I did have an eagle phase as an 8 years old so yknow#happy posting#:D
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