#100 more scientists
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#this man and his poster!!!#he wants to believe!!!#dailytxf#txfedit#i think this is the first scene in this show that ive watched with my hands actually over my mouth in anticipation#because i KNEW where we were going and we got such a sweet payoff!!!#they way they made us wait i was DYING#also the colours here are *chef kiss*#this ep started extremely strong with the s1 vibe#went downhill when scully was randomly jealous with no motivation#then picked up for this excellent final scene#hopefully ill make more gifs of this ep...#my gifs#the scientist speaks#x files#the x files#david duchovny#fox mulder#notes: 100#s06e16#alpha
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Thinking back to that line in Go To The Mirror? when Cecil’s mom says “why are you crying when you don’t even exist?” and how it plays into the current arc in the way that things are being explained away to seem like they never existed in the first place and how she was supposedly Prophetic and-
#welcome to night vale#cecil gershwin palmer#cecil palmer#cecilsweep#I’m sorry but I just can’t stop thinking about Cecil angst#i want more mirror related stuff so bad you have no idea#come on Lubelle dig up more details from Cecil’s tortured past I crave them#i really want this arc to dial it to 100 on the pain#PLEASE#wtnv#carlos the scientist#wtnv 221#janet lubelle#the university of what it is#go to the mirror#wtnv 171
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Before I go to sleep I leave you all with this piece of advice: sometimes you don't actually have to answer big political questions, sometimes you can just say "I am not smart enough to know that, I just know the small things I do to help." Like you can often times completely avoid making a fool of yourself if you just say you don't know.
#simon says#to explain here and not in a reblog:#sometimes when you try to explain big picture solutions you're gonna sound dumb#you might not have done enough research#you might not have a rebuttal to a counter argument#you might not be articulate enough to explain why you think this#sometimes you gotta take a step back and give the simple solution. the one man solution#you do what you can to fight against the problem#you talk to people to help spread awareness and how to fight the bad problem#and you vote and invite others to vote for bigger steps towards solving the problem#like you can talk about theory and how you believe we need to do a huge drastic thing to solve and issue#but people will disagree and argue til you're blue in the face#they'll poke and prod until you mess up or lose your temper and use it against you#and you'll feel dumb and they'll learn nothing#sometimes the best thing to do is step away from the big picture and just say 'idk what the solution is I just know the things I can do“#sometimes you gotta admit you're not a scientist/expert and you can't answer that#i used this while talking with my Dad tonight#he brought up our climate crisis and space travel as a possible solution#and I said I think that's just addressing the symptom and not the cause and we need to care for our Earth now#and he asked me what solutions I think would fix it#and knowing my incredibly smart Dad who is articulate and ready to throw rebuttles at a moments notice to play devils advocate#and my past experience in struggling in this topic with him before#i just told him I didn't know. all i knew is the little things I can and do do to help#and that hopefully by spreading the word and habits and encouraging others to vote for those bigger solutions I could help make a change#but all I really could do is the little things I have control over#and the topic became much less stressful about the little things we have control over#like planting native plants and recycling and adopting habits that are healthier to our planet#which was 100% more preferable to if I tried to give a big solution. because I would reveal i didn't have all the knowledge needed to argue#and my articulation would make me sound like a stupid kid who only thinks they know what's best#so yeah I basically suggest that if you dont wanna feel like shit after debating someone just step away from the big picture for a moment
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the boy-but-not-that-way-ism of riz gukgak send tweet
#not art#have been chipping away at a more... proper? so to say. piece of the kids for keepsake. and since its of them at the beach Im rotating#gender stuff in brain again. riz and gorgug ping a lot of the like funny gender stuff in my brain#very specifically adjacent to cultural understanding of it all... like I did say I do think riz has a gender and it can be#translated to ''man'' in solesian understanding but also that boy has close to no self awareness nor does he want to#he grew up as ''goblin'' before ''boy'' and it's kinda how he perceives himself. got a gender but doesn't wanna do much with it#kinda imagining him seeing his grandparents again and realizing that there's a gap there between himself and his grandpa too#and sitting with that for a bit. not for long that kid doesnt do that but for just a little bit#man I truly really do love that riz is aroace. my boy of the unquantifiable unimportant margins....#gorgug though is 100% trans lmao. there's a kinda distance to his own body in how he acts#that's kinda common in ''mad scientist'' characters? (or maybe my perspective's just skewed due to willow jenkins lmao)#kid spent the first two seasons fitting himself in places he Should be able to fit. and s3 is pretty much all about him Making New Spaces#thing is despite looking ardently for like. the reason Why he can't fit in in the first season I think gorgug really does#love his gnome parents and love being their child. and its confusing and tough to have to learn why something you love still hurts you#he wants it to not. he wants to make sense. and then it does and it changes nothing really#until he actively makes choices based on what he's learned. like. damn idk how to word it but#just like the ability to say ''actually this Is my life what are u gonna do? stop me from living it?'' is a powerful force#its rly fun to look at these two guys in these contexts thats like#they will never win the gender game just by virtue of being who they are. it's not designed for folks like them to win#but riz would simply not play and gorgug would design his Own game he's the champion of. and I think that rules
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think the way to nail a romance in the context of a superhero world is for that romance to be able to exist in the normal world .. as in thinking about if these characters are convincing as real people (and compatible people) outside of their superpowered or civillian roles
which SEEMS like common sense but i think me and many other people have fallen into the trap of treating the superhero x civillain/superhero/villain as the whole dynamic of the relationship ... like people are more than their roles in society you know!!!
#this is why i dislike tropes (for writers! i think theyre alright for readers to find more of what they like)#and tasm does this really well WHICH IS WHY TASM PETERGWEN IS MY FAVOURITE SPIDERMAN SHIP THANK YOU EVERYONE#theyre awkward cringy teenage romance outside of peter as spiderman and gwen as a scientist#ya they form large parts of their identity but if they were 100% just that then they wouldnt be complex or realistic#and every superhero and scientist would be the Same#vee rants#vee chats
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I've reached season 5 on my CSI rewatch and I'm a few episodes past "Swap Meet", where a woman is murdered after attending a swing party with other couples from the neighbourhood. Near the end of the episode there's a moment that made me jump from my seat:
(Grissom walks up to Sara and takes the seat next to her. He's holding two cups. He hands her a cup of tea.)
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE]
Erin Brady: Everybody fantasizes about other people. (She glances at Grissom.)
Even you, Mr. Grissom. A neighbor, a friend ... girl at the office.
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY]
(The door opens. Paul Brady walks out of the hallway. Erin Brady walks out into the hallway. Sara is sitting in the hallway chair watching them. She watches as they meet and kiss.)
(Grissom walks up to Sara and takes the seat next to her. He's holding two culps. He hands her a cup of tea.)
LIKE!!!!!!!
Right after Erin ends her sentence with 'girl at the office', the first time Sara and Grissom meet again, he brings her tea. This might be an innocent interaction but to me it seemed like a nod to this relationship they have where both are into each other, know about the other's feelings, but can't/won't do anything about it (although Sara has kind of given Grissom an ultimatum). I don't know if it was intentional - I'm guessing it is, because I picked it up immediately. I might or might not have squealed in delight.
#csi#gsr#i'm very Normal about them btw i don't think about them 50 times per day or anything#need to talk more about these two here#because im obsessed about them in a Normal way#sara is like. my dream wife. i totally get grissom being in love with her for years and barely holding it together#i would not though#i'm 1000% sure she's bi. but the writers have been cowards so far#also she and i dress THE SAME. yes i love 2000s clothes so what#i could talk about her forever she's everything to me#and grissom. oh grissom. i also get why she's been in love with him forever#i mean what the FUCK went down in san francisco did they hook up and sex was so good it scared them#and now they have to live with that tension and they're scared of crossing that line#nah i'm guessing with these two they just REALLY clicked. like. they were an instant match and they knew it#but grissom didnt want to lose focus on work or whatever and they lived in separate states you know#but oh my god i totally get sara. grissom is such a silver fox. he's like one of the hottest old men i've ever seen in my life#you know what i 100% get tumblr sexualizing old men it's completely valid i'm in this now too#he has this LOOK. whenever he's angry at a suspect. and he looks angrily at them. i'm chewing on my keyboard just remembering it#and his smirks#AND THE WAY HE LOOKS AT SARA#im losing my mind#i love all of gil grissom but seasons 4-5 jesus fucking christ#ok enough with the sexualizing i love him as a character SO MUCH. he's absolutely fantastic#one of the things i love the most about him is that he doesn't judge people. whenever the team is confused about someone#or this persons' lifestyle#he's always trying to understand them and not judge them#like a true scientist he wants to understand the nature of things and people#and he's such a sweetheart i love him so much#like there are so many things i love about him i can't fit them all in the tags. same for sara#they're a perfect match for me
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yesterday i was rewatching some episodes of Barry's vlog (it's my silly little comfort series heeehehee), specifically the drawing episode where he draws a scientist and Flash from memory. i decided it'd be fun to draw along from memory with him and i ended up drawing these doodles, one of which i went back and cleaned up after i sketched it!!
lil scientist sketch (didn't feel like drawing their legs so now they are legless lmaoo)
here's the Flash drawing i made!! this is actually the first time i've properly drawn him!! i drew him ages ago but it wasn't like. an actual proper drawing. i drew him from how i remember him looking in some of the original Jetpack Joyride promo art made for him, and while it isn't perfect, it's cute and i like the way i drew him :) he's so round and ponderable like an orb
also drawing Flash reminded me of the iDog accessory so i doodled some iDogs too :D
#jetpack joyride#jetpack joyride flash#flash jetpack joyride#flash the robot dog#jetpack joyride scientist#idog#barry's vlog is actually so enjoyable for me#i know it isn't really well-liked in the fandom and i don't see it as 100% canon but i think it's so stupid and silly and i love it a lot#it has a lot of genuinely funny moments and i love hearing barry just talk about stuff#i've gotten used to the little vtuber model they use for barry at this point. like it doesn't even phase me anymore#it's like yeah he looks like that. that's my weird little guy. i love him very much#the ''Man Whose Face Looks Scary From A Certain Direction'' joke from vlog 43 is so funny to me#i should compile all my favourite moments from barry's vlog i think. that would be very fun :)#anyway yeag. i loved drawing flash he's fun to draw :D#i should draw the idog more too he's so cute and silly i love him#heehehehee lala ♥️#drawing#doodle#sketch#sketches
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Good morning girl...😳
UHH I WOKE UP TO THIS WHICH IS PRETTY COOL
#jane journals#self insert talk#🔬 starkissed scientist 🔬#I MEAN I GOTTA ADMIT ITS NOT A HARD FEAT WHEN BARELY ANYONE POSTS ABOUT PPG ANYMORE 😂😂#and at the same time ive never consistently gotten 100 notes on my self ship art before 👉👈#it feels nice to know everyone likes it!! i guess ppg is just more easily accessible or summ ifk#idk*#i just woke up#i got work but not for a couple hours which is nice :]
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DOCTOBER '23 ⸺ 「 20 / 31 * REAR-VIEW MIRROR 」
June 12, 2025
23:11
❝Are you sure you can't spend the night, kids?❞ Marty asks as Ellie breaks the long hug with her father. ❝We've got the spare rooms and it'd mean a lot to your mother and I.❞
❝I'm sorry, Dad,❞ Ellie starts, and to her credit, she does look genuinely upset. ❝But Dan and I are travelling in the morning since this is my last open vacation for a while and—❞
❝And I've got to be in by five,❞ Emmett says, ❝to make sure these bojos don't screw something up. We open Saturday.❞
Marty sighs and moves to give his son a hug, patting him twice on the back. ❝I know, I know. You're adults now with your own lives. I just miss you.❞
Ellie pouts. ❝It's not like you never see us, Dad. You can call on the vidphone anytime you want.❞
❝No, no, I get it,❞ Marty says, a hint of a smirk ticking up the corner of his lips, ❝it's not cool to be hanging out with your parents anymore.❞ Before either of the kids can protest, Marty laughs. ❝Have a safe trip, Ellie.❞
❝El, Dad, El. Ellie's such a kid name.❞
❝And you're still my kid.❞ She groans dramatically and drops the point there, knowing there's no arguing with her father on this.
❝Break a leg this weekend, Emmett.❞ Marty nods at his son who smiles.
Both kids shuffle towards the door in an awkward line, reaching over each other to grab bags and sweaters. ❝And would you actually use the gift we got you?❞
Marty glances over his shoulder to the small box and envelope on the living room table and puts a hand on his hip.
❝Hey, I'm only fifty-seven! And I still look good for my age.❞ Apart from the soft age lines typical of a man in his late fifties and his greying hair, Marty still manages to carry a youthful energy tempered some by wisdom and experience. ❝I don't need to start thinking about that yet. Ask me again when I'm sixty-five.❞
Ellie makes a disapproving sound as her brother shoves her out the door and as the door slams shut behind them, leaving behind a deafening silence, Marty lets out a breath and shakes his head. He makes his way over to the couch and plops down, reaching for the piece of paper on top of the old-school birthday card.
A voucher for your first rejuvenation.
❝Really, those kids. What, do they think I'm gonna die tomorrow or something?❞
Before he can finish his thought, there's an urgent knock on the door in a sharp staccato rhythm that causes him to purse his lips. That sounds familiar, Marty thinks, but neither of the kids knock like that when they come over.
❝I'm coming!❞ he shouts, dropping the voucher back on the table without a care as to where it lands. He makes it halfway toward the door when the person on the other end knocks again in the same precise rhythm, causing Marty to grumble under his breath.
Whatever he had prepared to say when the door swung open immediately dies in his throat when the perpetrator's identity is revealed. Marty's eyes are blown wide, so much so they're in danger of falling out of his head. His breath catches in his throat and he would swear that, in that moment, he looks more like a fish gasping for air than a person.
❝Doc,❞ he breathes out when he finally remembers how to, and when the rest of his senses return, Marty barrels into his friend, capturing him in a tight hug which, after a second, he returns with the same warm affection Marty has always associated with him.
❝Doc, it's been—❞
Emmett immediately shakes his head, removing a hand from around Marty to hold it up, palm out. Stop. ❝Don't tell me, Marty. I don't know yet and I don't want to know.❞
Marty nods. ❝Right, yeah, future knowledge. But God, Doc, I missed you so much. What are you doing here? Why now? What's going on?❞ Before an endless stream of questions can spill from Marty's mouth, Emmett silences him again.
❝I have the answer to all your questions right here.❞ Emmett lets go to dig through the inner pocket of his overcoat. He produces a small rectangular gift bound in silver paper and hands it over to a very confused looking Marty.
❝Happy birthday, Marty,❞ he says, pushing the gift into his hands. ❝I've kept this secret from you for almost...forty years and now that it's completed, I figured this was as good a time as any to give it to you.❞
❝You came f—all these years into the future just to give me this? What is it?❞
❝I suppose the act of giving wrapped gifts must be obsolete by now if you're asking me what to do with a gift,❞ Emmett says, smirking. Marty gives him a look that very clearly says, you know that's not what I meant, Doc, but flips the gift over in his hands anyway.
Printed in what is unmistakably Emmett's handwriting is 'Do not open until June 12, 2025,' and Marty snorts at the familiar irony of it all.
Questions are clearly written in the lines of Marty's face and before he can even ask them, Emmett says, ❝Forty years is a long time for you to have seen results on this; you may not even remember insisting I do it, but I took your request to heart.❞
Marty's fingers curl around the edges of the gift. ❝Tell me you're at least going to stay for a little while, Doc. Come in, I'll grab Jen a-and—❞
To Marty's dismay, Emmett shakes his head. ❝I'm afraid I can't stay much longer; this was only intended to be a short stop, but I'm so glad to see you, Marty. You look well and I always knew that your future was going to be bright.❞
❝But Doc, there's so much I want to tell you. Jen and I, the kids—❞
❝Yes, I saw young—well, I suppose they're not young anymore; they've grown into fine adults.❞
❝What about Jules and Verne? And Clara? Are you going to see them while you're here?❞
Again, Emmett shakes his head. ❝No, that wouldn't be wise. Besides, I—❞ A high-pitched alarm screeches from Emmett's watch and he jumps, abandoning his train of thought as his eyes widen. ❝Damn! I'm late!❞
Marty blinks. ❝I'm sorry, Marty, I have to get going.❞ Emmett quickly pulls him into a crushing hug and Marty takes a moment to bury his face in his old friend's shoulder while he still can. ❝I think you'll find you have your hands full for a while with your gift. At the risk of repeating my past self, I'll leave you with these parting words: I'm proud of you.❞
Emmett pats his arms once before hurrying off. Marty stands there, dumbstruck, watching as his old friend climbs into a '76 Chevy Aerovette that he knows is the DeLorean in perfect disguise.
He stands there for some time even after the car and Emmett are well out of sight, gone back to whatever point in time he departed from to get here. Marty hugs the gift to his chest and quietly shuts the door, walking in a half-daze to the couch.
The clock reads 00:09 and Marty tears the paper off his gift.
It looks like a journal, but as Marty inspects it closer, he notices that the edges are worn from years of touch, there's a faint coffee stain on one of the corners, and the journal is at least double the size it started, torn apart and re-bound in a way that looks like it's ready to fall apart at any moment.
A piece of paper falls out from behind the cover, landing on Marty's lap.
First, let me tell you in writing, Happy Birthday, Marty. I expect I will have told you in-person as I delivered your gift, but one can never be wished well enough on their birthday.
By the time this gift finds you, I will have passed. If you ask why I chose to wait until this particular date of June 12, 2025 to present it to you, I'm afraid all I can say is that it felt right. As I do not know the precise date of my passing and have no intention of learning this information prematurely, I can only hope that enough time has elapsed where my delivering this to you will not open too fresh a wound.
But that is not the focus of this letter, nor do I intend to make it such.
You have always believed in me, Marty, even when nobody else has, and the enthusiasm with which you begged me to write this could not go ignored. So this is what I have been working on for the last several years with the knowledge that it would one day find its way to you.
You have been the greatest friend I could have asked for, and I hope that you will remember me fondly, even after some of the things you read here. This first-hand account of my life is yours to do with as you please, and I have been as detailed as circumstances will allow me to be. You will find no instructions for how to re-create the time machines within, though I do mention their existence in order to accurately recount our travels together.
I am proud to have called you my friend and just know I have treasured all of our years together.
'Doc' Emmett L. Brown
Marty blinks furiously against the tears welling up in his eyes. ❝God, Doc, you never change... I didn't think you'd actually do it.❞ The book weighs a ton in his hand and makes his chest weigh just as much.
The weight of his best friend's life story...
The journal's spine cracks as he opens it and there, in black ink, is something that threatens more tears.
For Marty, My partner across space-time. For Clara, Jules, and Verne, Who have made me the luckiest man to have ever lived.
He flips to the first page.
Every story follows a pattern. You start at the beginning, proceed through the middle, and then eventually reach the finale, in which everything wraps up, for better or for worse. A life story is no different, though the steps taken to reach said finale vary wildly between each individual.
So, as stories go, it is only fitting this one starts at the beginning.
❝Jen! Jen, you've gotta come down here! I just got a birthday present from the Doc!❞
#doctober 2023#&; a great idea can change the world 「 hc 」#so if you've read my carrd you'll know that i've presented doc's backstory in the form of an autobiography#which marty has insisted he write and more so after the temporal experiment's resounding success because#as he put it - every great scientist has an autobiography and marty is determined that#doc get the respect and recognition that he deserved#so doc agreed with the caveat that he would deliver it to marty on a future birthday likely after he'd already passed#doc is going to live to 100 years old easy with the rejuvenation and such but#he won't live forever. remember that he's technically *seventy-five* (four? eh depends on timeframe) when he returns from being in the past#since 9-10 years have passed for him despite no time passing for marty. he also doesn't want to live forever#and i've chosen to interpret rear-view mirror in the sense of looking back on the past#now through the book doc has gifted to him
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"Why didn't you tell me?"
#masters of the air#e01#hahaHA im taking damage from this sorry guys#this is a strictly one ep per day kind of day kind of show#i love it but it hurts kind of thing#my gifs#more to come yall...#the scientist speaks#tw blood#austin butler#callum turner#gale 'buck' cleven#john 'bucky' egan#notes: 100
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Sits in shambles I didn't read maybe Jorge's id correctly in the mysterious hermit logs the first god knows how many times I read them and only just now realized that it's the same id as the scientist that speaks in the agricultural notes log why must I be so bad at reading
#rat rambles#oni posting#on the bright side thats one mystery id kind of solved#by kind of I mean its most likely jorge but theres no way to comfirm it#this does make me feel like there might be some other b363 thing I missed but Im not sure if I doubt myself enough to go check rn#they are another character seen in story trait logs alongside an in game lifeform origin log just with critters this time#Ive made baseless speculation on who b363 could be based on what named characters we have without ids but its nowhere near confirmed#at least from what I remember but again Im starting to doubt myself a lil so I might double check at some point#the only idless characters we have fully marked off is nikola Im pretty sure#although based on the characters we do know anything abt itd most likely be either ada or liam but thats not saying much#ada is a fairly high probability tho since we basically 100% know that shes a part of the bioengineering department#liam possibly is too but thats more of a educated guess then smth particularly implied#Im glad I've finally realized who our lovely plant guy is tho#alas even if I find some hidden b363 content that still leaves I believe 3 ids unidentified#well we do know that at least one of them is steve but we don't know which one#and while we can take shots in the dark at who the scientist is theres also a second guard#and out of everyone we know bits and pieces abt theres no one who fits that bill or at least not anyone Im remembering#every other mentioned character is some flavor of scientist or is implied to be#not counting quinn but they are also off the table on account of not being a gravitas employee#so basically unless I missed smth the only previously established character that we know for sure is in that log is steve and the other two#could easily be any of the currently unused guys#and the other guard basically has to be unless theres scientists here that also double as guards
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i get why people would opt to say walter was a terrible person since the beginning, but i think that's like, the most boring takeaway you can get about his character. he was already insecure and prideful from the start, and it's what would hurt him and keep hurting him. but like, being insecure and prideful are regular traits any regular person can have. the actions that he makes because of these traits, which in turn keep fueling his ego more and more, are what makes him an interesting character. and he was already pretty capable of hurting other people, but he wasn't doing it out of malice, but more because of careless selfishness at first. what makes walter terrifying is that the more he does it, the more he becomes aware of what he's doing, and the more he keeps going and keeps being more and more meticulous and deliberate about what he does that hurts people and even to the point when it was specifically to hurt people.
i think the traits were there in walter from the beginning—the pilot did a pretty good job of establishing how powerless he's felt all his life and just how susceptible he is to letting this newfound perceived power get to his head so easily. he even says this explicitly in 5x06 "Buyout" when he tells jesse "i'm not in the money business, i'm in the empire business". but saying he was this monster from the start kind of implies he didn't undergo through a character arc throughout the show when it's quite literally what he did. he got worse. so much worse. through mostly the fault of his own fragility.
#idk if i put it into words right but i'm just musing#was walter a good person when brba started? up in the air. but his family genuinely adored him. despite feeling like a loser teacher#some of his coworkers actually really liked and respected him. he was just as much of a regular person as anyone else was tbh#you know it's interesting that he and gale basically have the same motivations. why jump to meth of all things. why go from 0 to 100 when#it sounds COMPLETELY ridiculous. but they were both very passionate about chemistry who felt like their potentials were wasted and felt#like they were finally putting their skills to good use again. getting to flex their muscles and shit. whenever they cook better purer meth#than most other people. i think it's a really genius idea to have this premise for the show lol#cz as much as walter is motivated by him feeling like he desperately has to take control of his own life he also is a scientist at heart#who desperately needs to apply his knowledge and skills somewhere where it would feel gratifying#seriously dude you could've tried to get a paper published or two or something. djhdidhd#but the academe has its own Politics and whatnot. so one could only speculate why walt didn't get to pursue that any more#(aside from the whole grey matter industries thing)#anyway uhhh i hope i get the post across lol not to sound cheesy cliche but brba is a corruption slash character deterioration arc#quite literally the whole point is that he Didn't Start Off Like This And He Gets Worse#again. he already had some of his bad tendencies and traits but it's like. we all do that's not necessarily inherently make or break#it's what he DOES and KEEPS DOING. CONSCIOUSLY that turns him into the horrifying man he is by the end of it all#so i just think if your biggest takeaway is Walter Was Always A Monster then you're just missing the whole damn point#op#brbaposting
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🥀 (wilted flower) - How does your character deal with stressful situations? Is their fear response fight, flight, freeze or fawn?
For Caeru and The Scoundrel
🥀 - How does your character deal with stressful situations? Is their fear response fight, flight, freeze or fawn?
The Scoundrel's would like to say their default response is fight, but more often than not it's either freeze or fawn. Particularly the latter.
The Scientist's response is almost always fight, and far more rarely, freeze. He'll never fawn or flee if he can help it.
#the scoundrel buries themself in denial and refuses to tackle whatever stress they're feeling atm#the scientist is. well. to be blunt.#the scientist hasnt really been 100% not stressed in... a very long time#he's almost always thinking about Something. doing Something. Dwelling on Something.#even when he's relaxing he tends to be more of an anxious wet dog about it than like. proper relaxation#what a completely normal and cheerful guy.#ask#scoundrelventures
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it would feel so nice to work towards a career that has meaningful impact and makes millions of people happy
#i follow this person cleo abrams on youtube and she's always talking so excitedly about scientists#and their amazing discoveries cool facts and she's so excited and starry eyed and hopeful#she genuinely just wants to educate people and has so much hope that we can make the world a better place#also like idk maybe unrelated but i saw the mv of new romantics and just. wow#say what you will about her but there's no doubt she's made an insane number of people happy SO HAPPY that they're crying#so many tours#idk i want#i wish my life was bigger#i feel so isolated and always just focusing on myself my career my health my enjoyment#what about everything everyone else#i keep trying to be completely okay with being alone i keep telling myself to not need anyone and be 100% independent#find happiness within hobbies interests#but it feels like a losing battle#i don't know i just. miss everyone 😭😭😭😭#but it hurts too much tbh always more sad than happy always more crying than laughing#i miss my bestfriend i don't know what i did wrong but she won't pick up my call she keeps saying she's busy#i don't want to be clingy because she hates that shit i don't want to drive her away but she's my only friend#i miss my fucking mom she doesn't care if i live or die obviously but i miss just having her presence in the house#and even tho my sister is here she's never fully present always on her laptop working#i wouldn't really say i miss my dad but wow it's been so long since mom and dad stayed together at home it was almost#always miserable but sometimes at the lunch table it was nice#i don't know everything and everyone is moving and changing so fast and i can't breathe under it and it's already september#but this entire year felt like a blur it's like everyone who left took a chunk of my heart with them#and i should be happy because im so close to the exam which will get me out of this house finally be financially independent#like i wanted since i was 11 i could finally start my life#but it all feels so. i don't know the whole future seems black like i can't imagine life past november 2025#how do you imagine happiness if you've never been happy?#and all these feelings are making it so hard to study and studying is so fucking important because if i don't ill be stuck here forever#and i don't want to go thru attempts fail and pass again atleast back then i had a reason first heartbreak‚ not getting to go to college#but what now why now i don't even understand i know objectively i do not have it that bad it's literally better even if i compare to my own
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btw similar to the whole "if you try adderall at a party and it calms you down, get an adhd test" thing, if at some point in your life you try microdosing shrooms with a friend and end up feeling like a functional person for the first time in your life, get tested for depression. like yeah hallucinogens come with elation so youre probably gonna have some "this is the best ive ever felt in my life" vibes regardless, but like. if that in and of itself feels like finally breathing in for the first time in years, thats for sure a sign that something is up with your ability to process serotonin most of the time. feeling better than ever before should be a nice bonus, not a crushing weight off your chest
#fun fact there are currently multiple ongoing studies vis a vis the effectiveness of psilocybin on depression#both on its own and as a companion to ssris#psylocybin targets the 5ht2a serotonin receptors which wikipedia tells me are more numerous in the brains of those with depression#so like. if you spend most of your life feeling like your brain is an aquarium with a leak in it and serotonin is the water and your default#state is 'slightly damp gravel grinding painfully against itself' thats ummm not normal 👍#and on the flipside of that if you have depression that no other med has worked for and know a guy. its 1000% worth it#origibberish#also i say 'wikipedia tells me' as if i just looked it up but that all comes from a long night of spite filled research after i asked my#psychiatrist if we could use the fact that psylocybin worked for me as a basis to like. narrow down which legal antidepressant#might work instead of basically just throwing darts at a board every time#and after several minutes explaining to her that i was not just asking her to prescribe me shrooms but in a legal way she went#'ohhhh yeah no unfortunately theres been no research into that‚ yeah.... sorry......:)'#which. as far as 'lies you come up with on the spot to avoid having to say i dont know' go‚ that is. maybe the worst one to pick#like. 'no‚ thats not an option'? alright fine maybe theres some internal rules or something who knows#'theres no research' though just. immediately tanks any and all credibility 100% even on its own but considering the subject matter?#youre telling me. that humans. the famously curious species that researches fucking Everything. and also Loves playing with drugs. when#trying to figure out how to make drugs that make brains feel good. would not start with the drugs they already knew made brains feel good.#youre telling me that not one (1) singular scientist tried shrooms and went 'oh my god wait. i dont feel like im dying for the first time#ever. holy fuck i need to study this'#complete misplay. absolutely legendary fumble. there were so many ways to fuck it up and somehow you found the worst. congratulations#om the other hand though. really was an excellent setup for the punchline that is the voicemail i have from them saying she'd been fired LOL#they didnt say what for specifically but yknow. based on my own experiences i certainly have theories jebfksbfk#it was annoying in the moment but at the end of the day i have shrooms and she doesnt have the job so. whos laughing now emily KSBFKSBFKDN#this is what i mean though like. rn i feel fine. not on top of the world‚ not like a god#just. fine. i just dont feel like shit. i feel like i can do stuff if i want to‚ or chill peacefully and have it actually be. relaxing.#i dont feel like gravel right now‚ i feel like a person.#and god what a fucking relief it is#really i guess the moral overall is that if at any point you react to trying a new drug the same way an addict craving a hit for days would#then there maybe is something up with your brain chemistry because that means your default state of existence is comparable to that#of withdrawal. a famously shit experience
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we are winning at levels never before thought possible it seems, after making the wrong choice of becoming an ada wong fan & having to subsist off the crumbs of characterization given to me in in-game files, supplemental material & scant lines of dialog it seems capcom is truly going to give me everything i have ever wanted :
probably giving ada the best DLC in the franchise, a meaningful relationship with a character that isn't leon that seems to take precedent in her story over her few chance encounters with leon in RE4R ( i have a feeling her & luis' history gives their dynamic far more meaning than his little rollercoaster ride with leon ), cool sci-fi contacts replacing the glasses she never really used in the original, integrating her grapple hook in her combat when it was sadly only ever used for traversal, actual content specifically designed for her campaign & not just reused arenas from the main game ( some of these are from the original carried over to ada but i think her performing the coolest thing leon does in the original, dodging the lasers, is sick ), finally positioning wesker as an antagonist in ada's story directly rather than him hanging over her like a school headmaster trying to play mindgames .
it's honestly so personally rewarding to see capcom go to such lengths for a character they have otherwise neglected, even in a game like re6 where she carries the emotional core of the story ( in specific her developing relationship with carla as she learns she is more than just some lab-made doppelganger, which was sadly undercooked - like most of the game, despite the explosions )
#* file // : OOC — ( 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐏𝐎𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑'𝐒 𝐂𝐑𝐔𝐒𝐀𝐃𝐄 . )#sorry i couldn't join the hype the trailer dropped while i was at work but as always#winning. winning. winning. i am ALWAYS winning#please have her smoke luis' last cigarette or just share a smoke with him as they formulate their plan#though another element i will retain from the original is her relationship with krauser + his involvement with wesker#like it's more fitting for leon to be his killer but i need krauser to fail so hard at retrieving the sample wesker sends ada in#& also the revelation that the village/castle/cult itself is a mask for a military operation run by a scientist using the plaga's control#for world domination#saddler being a zealot just doesn't quite make as much sense once you reach the island & see their military/laboratory equipment#these aren't the designs of a man who is 100% getting high off his own supply#i'll hold off on wesker's characterization since we have very little to go off of but i do always prefer richard waugh's performance#over all others#there is definitely a nice mustache twirling bond villain-type angle that does fit better in the OG's self-aware american action movie#that wouldn't be out of place here since it's rather true to the character#i don't mind his new voice but it's definitely a little more flat#also i miss his gay little turtleneck#i'm happy ada has hers but where is his
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