#.hell i almost wish i could just cut out this whole part of myself

[kittenadventurous]

🎶 i think i'm gonna fucking fall apart 🎶

[irisinluv]

Mirror Yandere Brainrot

I’ve been thinking about a Yandere who can watch you through mirrors. And I don’t mean Erik from Phantom of the Opera. I mean paranormal level watching you through any surface that can hold a reflection. The shop window you catch a glimpse of your hair in, the sunglasses you use as a mirror to reapply your lipstick, the shower head that makes you giggle cuz it gives your face a fisheye effect. Whatever.

I picture the obvious- how they watch you frown and turn to look at your cellulite, practice how to stand to make your stomach appear the way you want, do a fake laugh to see if that chip in your tooth is noticeable…. All those stupid little things that we hyper focus on, that makes us upset, makes us hate our reflection, they of course, love. They wish they could take away all those insecurities. And they know exactly how they’d do it too.

But it’s not just the obvious self love arc for this mirror Yan. Oh no. Cuz, we don’t just have mirrors to reflect on how much we hate our bodies. You bet your ass your Yandere sees you recreating doctor pimple popper on your own face. Sees your shower karaoke, watches you burn your toast, stub your toe, roll down your windows and get into character as you scream sing Jesus take the wheel (bonus points if you’re not Christian btws- we’re allowed to jam to that too). They just love getting to watch all these mundane moments!

They do of course get frustrated that they can only watch you through the mirrors. But- haven’t you heard that you’re not supposed to sleep facing a mirror? That things from the other side can come out to get you? Mmmm….. yea so those 1980’s mirrored closet doors you have might be a biiiiiiit of a problem.

I think they’d just be able to access you in your dreams, at least as a start, but if they ever found a way to you for real….. whew. Whewwwww. Hello sailor! I mean mirror Yan surely can mirror your exact type. That’s. That’s kinda their whole thing isn’t it? Magic mirror shit.

Slight NSFW below cut

Once they’re out…. They would not fuck you against mirrors.

I know that’s where your brain may go at first. The typical “look at how I see you- you’re perfect!” Shit. But I’m sorry. If someone fucked me and I had to look at myself covered in sweat, hair sticking to my face, triple chins for days, stomach rolls rolling, cellulite dimpling….. IM NOT IN THE MOOD ANYMORE!

So nah. Mirror Yan won’t fuck you against a mirror. They WILL however, use their voice. They had gone unheard so long…. You had gone YEARS being unable to hear them, see them, feel them. So now that they have you in their arms, they’re going to make sure you hear, see, and feel them until there’s nothing else for you to focus on.

If we want to stick with the self love trope, an alternative to the mirror fucking thing, is them narrating what they see. Their voice is pure sin as they drive into you, sink down on you, or look up from between your thighs to describe the way your pupils look right now, all blown out. How you look like you’re praying when you cum, even though they’re the ones on their knees. They describe those things you hate about yourself too. But when they describe it, they sound reverential. They also sound horny as all hell. But most of all, they sound like the only thing keeping them alive is so they can keep seeing and feeling these parts of you.

And they make you watch them as they give you the most intense pleasure of your life. They may not make you stare into a mirror as they rail you…. But you WILL keep your eyes open so you can see exactly what you do to them. They CRAVE being seen by you. They have you play with yourself the way they’ve watched you do so many times…. Except now, your eyes are locked onto theirs as your eyebrows screw up, and it’s THEIR name you gasp out as your fingers fly. And they don’t have to just watch anymore either.

They also almost always want you facing them. They want you to look them in the eyes and know EXACTLY who is claiming you, body mind and soul. The only exception to the mirror fucking thing is if you/they want to hit it from the back. If you’re not looking in each others faces, you’re looking at each others reflection. If your eyes glass over, they’re smacking your ass to bring your attention back to them. You’re not missing a second of the absolute pleasure dripping from their face. They’re not shy about it either. Their eyebrows screwing up in ecstasy, mouth hanging loose in a perpetual moan, it’s lewd. It’s sloppy. And it’s all for you.

You see, they’re insecure over being glossed over- it was fantastic getting to watch you basically every minute of the day, but you have no idea how frustrating it is to scream out to your lover, cry and kick and wail, as you watch them breeze past a flat puddle on a sidewalk, none the wiser. So, they make sure you’re VERY present with them.

I also think they’d be a huge fan of cockwarming. Just being connected to each other as much as possible. Really needy behavior after being denied physical contact for so long. For my lovelies who cock warming doesn’t work for- you’re not off the hook. Mirror Yan will be wrapped around you just as much. Their fingers absentmindedly trailing your body, their fingers dipping into your mouth, inside you, over your hips….

OH and they love marking you. Hickeys, some sort of collar or necklace, hell, even a collarbone tattoo. They want you to look at your reflection, and see THEM. They may not be stuck on the other side of that reflection anymore, but they still get a thrill from knowing every time you look in a mirror…. It’s them you think of.

So uh. Yea. Even the mirrors are horny for y’all! Stay tuned, maybe I’ll come up with a Yandere spork or dildo next.

[jayhyunglover]

S for Studying or Sylus pt2.

Pt1 , Pt3

Which one was worse dying of hunger? or dying in the hands of a majestic dragon? I wonder

I stayed out of Sylus's sight as promised. Well tried because my growling stomach had other things in store for me.

"What should we do , Jerome?" I asked the small chameleon who just tilted his head curiously at me.

I had 2 choices , stay here and die of hunger or go find Sylus. My mind was screaming at me to stay there and starve but my stomach was screaming Sylusssss.

After a moment of contemplation,  I slammed my notebook shut before getting up to go search for him. 

It didn't take long until I found him laying on his side , his tail holding up a cup of wine.

Sylus's ear perked up at the sound of her light footsteps.

She's still here ?

"Didn't I say to stay out of my sight , human?" He drawled , tone almost menacing .

Damn! His voice is so smokey hot.

"Uh.." I approached him carefully before tripping over a rock that was sitting there.

"Fuck" I cursed lowly holding my feet.

Why everything seems to be against me today?

Such a clumsy thing. He thought looking down at her with an imperceptible smile on his face.

"Why haven't you left already?" He asked bringing his cup towards his lips to take a sip

"You didn't tell me to leave" I retorted still holding my bruised  foot

"Oh how inconsiderate of me" he scoffed and in the blink of eyes he was in front of me tail curled around my frame

"I guess you do really have a  death wish , no one is foolish enough to come here willingly unless.." his tail tightened around me making me gasp the sharp tip grazing my neck.

"You came here for a purpose" he trailed voice dropping dangerously lower

"I already told you I came here to learn" I let out an exasperated sigh struggling against his tail .

Is he deaf or amnesiac?

"Don't play games with me human" he scoffed again

"I am not playing gamed and could you get this away from my neck, it tickles" I giggled moving my neck away from the tip of his tail

Wait she's laughing? Just what kind of specimen was she? Didn't she know it could easily slit her throat in open?

"And pray tell why are you so intent on studying me?" He asked his voice a mixture of disbelief and wariness

"You're a dragon, the first one I ever seen or approached , of course I wanna study you" she exclaimed , looking way too happy and excited for someone with a sharp object pressed against her neck

He really thought she was a mad woman(which in fact wasn't totally false) who stumbled accidentally here and let her the choice to escape but here she was claiming wanting to study him.

Just what the heck was wrong with her ?

"Just leave" he said letting go of me making me land on the ground with a loud thud

Didn't I make myself clear?

"What? no  , this is an once in life opportunity I can't possibly-"

"Death is also an once in life opportunity" he cut me off walking over where he was laying before I arrived "and being burned alive is not as appealing as you think"

I don't know why a deranged part of  me actually wanted to test that out.

"So I guess you won't let me study you" I asked in a small voice ,shifting from one foot to another

Why does she looks lowkey cute? No what the hell is he thinking. She's an human and those creatures are never up to good.

He inhaled deeply seeming to ponder my words.

"Give me one valuable reason why I should let you stay here and study me"

I could give him a whole essay about why he should let me stay here

"I am acgood company and I can be a good-" I looked around the crypt "-cryptmate? I don't snore when I sleep I don't eat a lot and I am not a kleptomaniac" I smiled proudly

What is he even gonna do with that woman?

He let an exasperated sigh before reluctantly agreeing. 

It's not like she's gonna back down.  This stubborn little thing.

"As long as you don't touch me without my permission and keep your hand to yourself then I guess I can allow it"

Sylus mentally cursed himself for agreeing so easily but when he saw how her eyes lit up at his agreement he forgot about all his previous .

Just what the fuck did he get himself into?

"Really?" I asked eyes widening with a mixture of excitement and giddiness.

"Don't get too happy human I can still kill you whenever I want" he grumbled under his breath but loud enough for her to hear

"Whatever" I shrugged before making my way over him . pulling out her notebook to scribble down furiously

"The scales on your tail are rather cold and the tip tickles . can you inject venom with it?" She started questioning him ,jotting down on the small notebook in her hand . The chameleon in her hair looked as done as him with her.

"It doesn't contain any venom . I am not a scorpion" he retorted resting his head on one of his palm to observe her more closely. Taking in the way her eyebrows furrowed in concentration, the way she nibbles on her bottom lips and constantly adjusts her glasses

He was so entranced by the sight of her he almost missed the growling sound of her stomach.

"Seems like every part of you is Talkative huh?" he chuckled the sound making my heart do a backflip. Wait was that even possible?

"What kind of host would I be if I let my guest starve" He said before getting up and expanding his wings making my jaw drop.

They were majestic, shimmering black that seemed to capture the faint sun rays slipping through the creaks of rocks.

I was so mesmerized I almost found myself reaching out to touch him before withdrawing my hand

Remember Athena no touching.

"Don't try to escape" he warned before taking off

"I thought you didn't want me there" I shouted but he was already gone disappearing in the bright sky.

"Guess we are on our own now Jerome" I sighed before feeling the small reptile crawl in my hand.

Well at least we are still alive . For now

------------------------------------

A/N : here's part 2 I know it's rather short . (I can't write long fic to save my life, I got too excited by one scene write it down and then publish)

Anyway I hope you will like it see u guys soon for pt3.

Taglist: @jinwoosbabyboo @ittybittyfanblog @chibichibi-mia @satansdaughter123 @sunsethw4 @mangooes @yourlocalcatscammer

[cantareincminor]

Fandom Wrapped (Reader Edition) 2024!

Thanks to the wonderful @kattyelf for creating this template! Links and detailed reviews under the cut.

Disclaimer: I probably read hundreds of SxF fics in the past year, and it was not easy to choose which ones to put in the list above (or below)! This fandom is full of wonderful, friendly creators and I am so glad to be part of it. I also had to narrow it down to only the ones I read and reread in 2024, not 2022 or 2023. Finally...I also happened to read many good fics only once. Sometimes a fic is just too painful or sad to reread, especially if it's not finished.

Favorite fic and author: After peace by @unhappy-sometimes!

I could gush about unso for a whole post and not be done, but I will try to contain myself. Her fic After peace originated from an AU comic she drew where Twilight was forced to retire early due a major injury, and drifted aimlessly until WISE asked him to take care of an orphan they had rescued from Project Apple. There are several things that amazed me about this fic and cemented it in first place for 2024:

The premise. It was original and so full of potential.

How personal Twilight's journey felt to me. I didn't have a life-threatening injury, but I did put my career on hiatus in the past year and have often struggled with questions of -- what am I worth when I'm not "doing" anything? I was so used to going 150% in the rat race and coming out on top at great personal cost to health and family; even if all that was bad, how else can I get that sense of accomplishment? How can I stop wanting that sense of accomplishment?

Her style, which is both vivid AND concise. The fic was around 22K words if I remember correctly, with a well-constructed plot, character arcs, plenty of emotional beats, and a satisfying resolution. I often wonder if my writing is too verbose and when I see something like After peace, it challenges me to do better.

THIS WAS UNSO'S FIRST FIC EVER. THE HELL. It's like a freshman album that gets put up for a Grammy.

Fic(s) I reread (plus runners-up):

That Time Yor Seriously Thought About Leaving by peonydee: This is a WIP with one more chapter before completion, I believe. Peonydee's style is unique in how it's hard-hitting and disarming at the same time. Yor and Twilight find themselves in impossible situations, their relationship tested to the limit (and one of them in a close brush with death), yet there's still an undercurrent of wry humor, almost fatalistic due to the fact both of them have been steeped in death and dirty work for decades, yet still hopeful and reaching for each other. I also cackle every time she makes Twilight go off on a mansplaining tangent without ever using the term outright. A masterpiece of show not tell.

Is It Really All Right? by zyzy1083: This one is tender. A jealous!Loid fic with a fascinating portrayal of Loid from Yor's perspective. The imagery of a dark sea choking down any true thought or emotion from breaking for air will stay with me for a long time. There's also the fact she basically made up lyrics for an indie song as part of the plot and I had to ask whether it was a real song. Finally, there's the fact she was bold enough to portray Loid as less than a perfect, kind, smiley husband toward Yor, but in a believable way. He snaps at Yor at times. He loses his patience. It feels like a real relationship, in the awkward tension when one partner wants to talk and the other absolutely does not want to talk. I admire that courage and wish more authors would take that risk (calling myself out I guess!).

Green-eyed Monster by bigbruja: another jealous!Loid fic that's lighthearted and fun. This is a comfort reread. I enjoy seeing Loid recognize the threat of a supposed "old friend" of Yor's, questioning his own feelings and how far he needs to go to fend this guy off. The guy is a Garden assassin, unbeknownst to him. I also love Yor's own inner struggle of just wanting everyone to get along, but showing steel when she needs to.

dalliance by rosetintednerdglasses: this is a WIP, but it is HILARIOUS and I hope everyone will go encourage this author to pick this fic back up when they have a chance. TLDR, Twilight (in disguise) is sent on a joint mission with Thorn Princess and flips out internally when he sees it's Yor. Handler then orders him to ensure Thorn Princess continues to cooperate. So as Twilight, he has to sort-of honey trap Thorn Princess, while as Loid he has to keep Yor happy. Poor Yor believes she's torn between two different men and close to cheating on Loid! Situational hilarity all over the place, and fun world-building, like this other WISE agent randomly named "Steel Bunny" (LOL).

Not According to Plan by @kyrathel: love you girl! This is a gift fic for me, but that's not the reason I reread it (even though it's a WIP as well!). It's SO FUNNY. Twilight gets it in his overly anxious head that he MUST defend his wife from the bullies at City Hall, so what does he do? HE INFILTRATES CITY HALL AS A NEW FEMALE HIRE. The world absolutely needs more petty!Twilight! The latest chapter features laxative brownies. Enough said.

Let's start living dangerously by @beannoss: I specifically reread the later parts when dumb Twilight gets over his dumbness and finally talks to Yor! And they kiss again! I love the way huhwaku (beannoss) portrays overthinking Twilight AND overthinking Yor. And also, the simplicity of Yor at the same time. The voice she uses for both of them is refreshing, it really puts you in the mindset of the character. Yor's giggles ("teehee!") as she teases Twilight about his little perfectionist habits are a cute touch to a gentle, heartwarming fic about these two highly competent professionals just starting to take baby steps in how to be competent at a relationship.

Fic that made me emotional:

100% Perfect by @sometimesiship. Where do I begin? How about with the gut aversion I initially had to the premise of a futuristic AI dating bot AU, due to all the tragic, dark AI movies I have watched? But as it neared completion, someone convinced me to give it a try and I AM SO GLAD I DID. You can see my gushing comments in almost every chapter. The development of the relationship between human Yor and AI Loid is so natural, funny at times, poignant always, and beautifully written, even though from an objective standpoint not much exciting stuff happens (I mean canon-typical excitement like murders and spy missions). Sometimesiship has a way of describing emotion that is so raw -- she can portray the same emotion a dozen different ways with analogies and setups and dialogue and whatever -- and it still doesn't feel old. And the emotion that dominated the second half of the story was grief. Basically the grief of loving someone you know you're going to lose. Like being the spouse of a terminal cancer patient. I didn't cry while reading, but it was a closer call than I have had in a VERY long time. So much beauty and humanity in this story. And spoiler (?), it's a happy ending. So I hope you all go check it out!

That's a wrap! If you read this far, stay tuned for a Writer version of Fandom Wrapped 2024!

[junktastic]

Hi everynyan,

Some of you will remember that I was taking names/addresses to send out free stickers in September. I am almost done sending them out now, so here's a quick update on that.

The Good!

I like this a lot! It's fun to do. For reference, I'm printing, laminating, and cutting these myself at home, so I'm learning a lot about my machine. I like being in charge of the quality control, I like doing the logistic work. Idk. It's fulfilling to me.

It's also really delightful to see names on the list who I've known of for a long time. Old and new faces, people all over the world, I love seeing people adopt a catgirl. :3 And for free! I'm by no means making a lot, but being able to provide something fun and physical to the people who enjoy my art for free is just! Wow!

The Bad!

Everything that could have gone wrong during this process did, which is why they're going out so late. The at-home manufacturing process was relatively simple but the materials kept being funky, or I'd do something wrong, so I'd have to toss something that I'd completely fucked up, OR I'd just miscount how much stuff material I had left. It's been a pain in the butt, so I'm glad it's done and that I've learned so much from it. I ALMOST FORGOT, I DESTROYED ONE CUTTING MAT MAKING THAT ROGER STANDEE FOR MY WEDDING LOL SO I HAD TO SPEND TIME CONDITIONING THE NEW CUTTING MAT! UGH!

There's also: the money. I know it's gauche to talk about it, but doing this was pretty expensive. I live in Canada now, and most of the letters were going out of Canada, so that postage added up. Materials cost, time, it's a pretty good chunk of change, but I didn't go broke so I want to do it again.

The Other?

I definitely want (and plan) to do this again very soon. I'm talking within this month. I'm making Christmas cards! I've already set money aside for this so it's all good, and it involves less at-home manufacturing since I can just reach out to a local print shop.

I know some people were wary of the google form, but I can't really find a better alternative at this time. MailChimp has had at least one major information leak in 2024 alone, so I am not sure where else to turn for collecting addresses at this time. I had a few people who did not give me towns/zip codes, and the street address would have three or four towns in that state alone with that address. Since I didn't collect e-mail addresses, I didn't have any way to reach out to entrants about this. If you don't see your sticker in the next few weeks, this might be why! I also plan on adding a checkbox just to confirm that the person requesting the sticker is over 18, NOT because I plan on sending anything saucy, but I know what it's like to be a teen with parents who open you mail, an I don't want to cause problems for anyone because Mom and Dad think fairies are satanic or something.

Most people I've talked to about all of this have really emphasized that I need to reopen my Patreon. I'm not saying anybody is wrong on this, but it just makes me feel so uncomfortable. I think anyone who's followed me for a while has seen me try and fail to do art full time or, hell, even have a schedule for something, and I've failed every time. I'm so scared of failing people again. How can I ensure that I'm producing things on time, to a standard I am happy with, that anyone willing to support me (in this economy?) would also be happy with? It will probably happen, but I'm just so... Plus, with all honesty, I have a commission backlog that I need to finish first! I'm bad at the business part of this whole thing, I think. I'm a blue-collar labourer in my heart.

That's my update! I wish you all well, please stay safe and take care of yourself and those around you. I'll post again when I'm collecting addresses for the Christmas cards.

[persephonememes]

* (  GOOD RIDDANCE BY GRACIE ABRAMS /  SENTENCE PROMPTS.

These may have been edited for clarity or length or to better apply for roleplaying.

❛ i was bored out my mind ❜

❛ you're the worst of my crimes ❜

❛ i never was the best to you ❜

❛ i used to lie to your face twenty times in a day ❜

❛ it was my little strange addiction ❜

❛ i destroyed every silver lining you had in your head ❜

❛ we were too different ❜

❛ you were so sensitive ❜

❛ now i feel terrible about how i handled it ❜

❛ now i bet you resent all of me ❜

❛ i don't forget all of my fault in this ❜

❛ i deserve it though ❜

❛ you were there all the time ❜

❛ how am i supposed to put that gently? ❜

❛ down the road you will love me until you resent me ❜

❛ what if i'm not worth the time and breath i know you're saving? ❜

❛ the whole facade seemed to fall apart ❜

❛ part of me wants to walk away till you really listen ❜

❛ i hate to look at your face and know that we're feeling different ❜

❛ cause part of me wants you back, but i know it won't work like that, huh? ❜

❛ why won't you try moving on for once? ❜

❛ i know we cut all the ties but you're never really leaving ❜

❛ i'm thinking everything you wish i wasn't ❜

❛ the call was tough but you're better off ❜

❛ so won't you stop holding out for me when i don't want it ❜

❛ won't you stay for a while ❜

❛ i wish that you'd never leave ❜

❛ i know i know better ❜

❛ if you asked me to run away i'd go easily ❜

❛ i'm codependent but trying hard not to be ❜

❛ do you think we could talk? ❜

❛ yes, i know that he's my ex. but can't two people reconnect? ❜

❛ i'll always choose you ❜

❛ where do we go now? ❜

❛ there's nothing left here ❜

❛ i wasted my breath when i tried to console you, didn't i? ❜

❛ i know that i should hate you ❜

❛ i pulled the knife out my back, it was right where you left it ❜

❛ i just drank something strong to try to forget, but it wasn't right ❜

❛ i almost crashed my car ❜

❛ all i ever think about is where the hell you even are ❜

❛ i swear to god i'd kill you if i loved you less hard ❜

❛ after all of this time, i still get disappointed ❜

❛ it's kinda funny when it goes from all to nothing ❜

❛ you have to laugh before you start to cry ❜

❛ now i stop myself from holding on to something that makes me feel a little less alive ❜

❛ i see through you ❜

❛ where did you go? ❜

❛ why'd it feel louder when all of it went unspoken? ❜

❛ all i can do is hope that this will go away ❜

❛ she doesn't know i'd let her ruin all my days ❜

❛ i'm just scared of that commitment ❜

❛ i really think sometimes there's something that i'm missing ❜

❛ i should probably go back home ❜

❛ i hope i wake up invisible ❜

❛ i guess i'm just difficult ❜

❛ you were everything to me ❜

❛ i've been drinking and staying up too late reliving bad decisions ❜

❛ what am i supposed to do when you used to be my lifeline? ❜

❛ i've counted all the days since you walked away ❜

❛ i never could've seen you coming ❜

❛ i think you're everything i've wanted ❜

❛ you make me really nervous ❜

❛ i've never felt this close to someone ❜

❛ what if you're my weakness? ❜

❛ i feel homesick ❜

❛ i'll say whatever you want, but i've become such a liar ❜

❛ i used to follow my gut, but now i'm just getting higher ❜

❛ i've been thinking way too loud ❜

❛ i wish that i could block me out ❜

❛ i think i'm burning alive, but nobody sees the fire ❜

❛ 'cause when i open my mouth, i seem to be stuck in silence ❜

❛ i thought of leaving tonight, but i couldn't drive this tired ❜

❛ plus after all of this time, i should be a pretty crier ❜

❛ in my head, i make a mess of it ❜

❛ i'm getting tired of feeling delicate ❜

❛ i used to try, but nothing's helping it ❜

❛ it's not their fault, but i've found that none of my friends will call me ❜

❛ every voice in my head is trying its best to haunt me ❜

❛ i should be cool but i panic ❜

❛ words seem to cut so much deeper right to the bone ❜

❛ it's a sort of funny quiet feeling ❜

❛ lately i don't know what to believe in ❜

❛ i drove 100 miles an hour to forget you ❜

❛  how'd you walk away so easy? ❜

❛ you won't even look at me ❜

❛ i hate the fact that i miss you around ❜

❛ why's it feel like you don't even know me? ❜

❛ how are you looking at me like a stranger? ❜

❛ i took up walking to turn it all off ❜

❛ it doesn't feel bearable guess i thought when i left it would all stop ❜

❛ did i fall out of line when i called you? ❜

❛ when i told you i'm fine you were lied to ❜

❛ how could i think that all that i gave you was enough? ❜

❛ cause every time i get too close i just go mess it up ❜

❛ i heard that you're happier ❜

❛ i hope that you're sleeping well, knowing i'm not ❜

[im-out-of-it]

part 17 of season 2, episode 14 continued “the fair folk”

200. wow I didn’t see that coming! the dude Alec and Raphael have had bad vibes of is actually bad! wow how could that be? I’m so shocked! the dude who randomly showed up and saved Izzy and when a prince of hell appears is up to no good!!!!!! how could that be? (I hope everyone knows how sarcastic I’m being)

201. I was reading through the contents of this episode and people thought it was jace here and fuck I wish it was. I hoped so many times that Sebastian would kill him off for good. let the worthless fucker die already lmaooo

202. let me make sure I didn’t forget anything PAUSE I probably posted these but look at our angels 🥹

203. I’m actually proud of myself- I remember everything!!!!!

204. let’s wrap it up so what I like about this episode- Alec is finally in charge. I love seeing how confident he is and how much he wants to change everything up. it’s refreshing to see a shadowhunter leader who isn’t afraid of taking risks and actually wants to help downworlders.

Magnus- even though it surprises Magnus that Alec wants him there as a warlock, I love seeing their bond and watching them attempt to be professional. seeing Magnus start to talk about his trauma is beautiful to witness. Raphael and Magnus is 10/10. I love watching their father and son relationship. Alec and Magnus are top tier and my favorite part of this episode. there isn’t anything toxic about them and they are always growing. watching Magnus watch Alec in shadowhunter mode and how proud he is of Alec is everything. I just love how proud and supportive they are of one another

believe it or not- I do like the lightly flirty scenes with Simon and jace. I think if the writers were bold and brave enough to cut out clace and change it up, this relationship could have been interesting

also a big fan of Izzy and Raphael and sad they didn’t continue that. that also could have been interesting to develop

Maryse and her growth is wonderful to see. her growth could have started back on 2x08 and I slightly do agree but it feels it starts more now. her growth with Alec seems like it’s behind the scenes but it’s nice to see her bond with Izzy. a mother daughter relationship can be fragile and Maryse put so much pain and pressure on Izzy. it’s great to see that being addressed

205. what I don’t like- obviously the clace shit. that didn’t need to happen. all the incest book fans can go home for all I care. I don’t like how it’s developed. seelies are known for manipulating and twisting but when you see clary start to see jace more as she did in season one, the development itself doesn’t feel at its potential. they find out they aren’t related a couple episodes ago and they don’t bond but randomly now they share a kiss? I don’t see any chemistry with them. it’s not there.

I think what annoys me the most about this is that since jace found out he wasn’t related to Clary, it was basically open season for clary. like Alec said before you think you’ll get her just like that????? I do think that jace thinks clary would take him back within a second. he thinks because she kissed him at the court that she will dump Simon for him asap. I don’t mind cocky behavior but never on guys like jace. (Or will for any book fans) (honestly do book fans read my shit?) (I’d imagine they would stay clear of me lmao)

I feel for Simon the most here because he genuinely loves clary. but I really hate clary trying to rush Simon into talking and then almost being a hypocrite and telling jace no. you realize you need space from jace so think how Simon feels. I hate that jace is almost acting like they’ll get together asap. maybe clary does love Simon but I don’t believe she really loves him. as a friend? perhaps but not as a serious committed partner. they aren’t good together. Clary doesn’t understand Simon and almost their whole relationship is on clary’s terms and it’s about her. the only thing that finally wasn’t about clary was Simon refusing to give her his dna

I can’t stand romantic relationships where it’s not half and half. I don’t want to watch a relationship where its always based on one persons terms while the other has to settle. I feel like if she stayed with Simon longer or if it were maybe developed better, maybe clary could have gotten some development for her character. but what I think she really needs is to be alone and take time to process her grief and actually attempt to be a better person. the more she’s with Jace, the more she resorts to being selfish and toxic

also I know we should hate Sebastian but I love him. he is conniving but he’s also intelligent. I love absolutely love villains I can relate to. (TVD has the best villains) I need someone I can root for. and while yes he is evil, he was abandoned while jace got a better life. fuck I’d be mad too. I’m not saying I would turn into Sebastian but I can understand his reasonings. and Will Tudor is so handsome and pretty to look at. AND THAT ACCENT!!!!!!

so I would probably rate this episode a 7.5. THANK FUCK FOR MALEC IZZY RAPHAEL FOR MAKING IT BETTER

205 is the number, and that’s it for episode 14. I didn’t expect it to be long, I’m really trying to cut back but whatever. thank you for joining Malec is being professional and jace is creepy and we hate him discussion post. I’m so psyched for the next one. we finally get to see Magnus and some of his childhood!!!!! I love to see Alec being worried about him. honestly I can’t remember what else happens but I’m only really here for Malec. so I’ll see y’all soon 🥹

[surrogate-fawn]

Quartz and Sea Glass

((Drabble/Short story based on the backstory a rp with @mittysins of Fawn's first step into the world of surrogacy.))

{This drabble is a sequel to "The First Goodbye" and is Part Two of a planned series based on the rp between Mitty and I. This drabble will not make sense without the context of Part One.}

TW: Mentioned miscarriage/stillbirth, infertility, family abandonment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don't put me on a pedestal for what I decided to do with my life. I ain't a saint.

I'll fully admit that I became a surrogate for selfish reasons. When I discovered there was a market out there of couples who needed a healthy body to carry their baby, I did not give a single shit about helping them -- all I cared about was the money.

I was twenty years old and homeless, still living off minimum wage. Can 'ya really blame me?

Lord only knows how that little worm of an idea got into my brain. Maybe it was during a mindless re-watch of season four of Friends. Maybe it was seeing something on the news. Or maybe it was during one of those three-in-the-morning anxiety attacks -- the ones that had me scribbling down as many outlandish solutions to my life as could fit on a napkin.

Not a lot of good ideas came about that way.

However it got there, one day I found myself seated at a library computer searching up as much information as I could find about surrogacy. As soon as I saw the rates some of these couples were willing to pay, I was sold. Fifty to sixty grand -- paid over the span of months. That sure as hell beat $7.25 an hour! The fact I could be eligible for certain state benefits on top of that money didn't hurt, either.

Best part? The one obstacle that could've been in my way had been crashed down a year ago: at least one healthy and successful prior pregnancy.

This was it. This was my way out!

But I hesitated.

As I sat there, staring at the Google search results that led me down the rabbit hole, I wondered if I was really capable of going through it all again. Not so much the physical symptoms, those all passed as soon as the pregnancy was over.

I was wondering if I could handle saying goodbye again.

My son's first birthday had just passed. I'd put a candle in a cupcake and blown it out for him the day of, alone in my room and still in my UDF uniform after work. I'd wished I'd known what name they gave him. The "Happy Birthday" song is a 'lil hard to sing without a name. I'd just called him "my baby" in the song. At least it fit. He would always be my baby, wherever he was and whatever he was called.

I blinked at the blue-tinted monitor. The screen was getting fuzzy and my eyes were stinging. I force-closed the dozens of tabs I had open, shut the computer off, and began my walk back to the women's shelter.

No, I couldn't. Money or no money, I couldn't go through it again. I never...never wanted to go through it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A week later, I made another trip to the library to borrow some time at the computer. I couldn't afford a laptop or smartphone, so it was a trip I usually made every other day; but work had been leaving me too tired to swing by.

I found an email waiting for me in my inbox, from a surrogate agency site I remembered looking up. In my mad scrolling, I must have signed up for their mailing list without thinking about it. It was from the highest-rated site I'd found, so at least I didn't have to worry about it being a phishing scam or tied to some baby black market or whatever.

I almost deleted it out of reflex, but the subject line read: "The Basics of Surrogacy, Free Information Guide". A brochure? Not an ad pressuring me to join so they could start taking a cut of my pay? Sure, I'd take a brochure.

So, that was the moment I made the best decision of my life: I opened that email.

I'll spare you the business side of things, but once I got in touch with the agency it all started falling into place. The whole process was much more voluntary than I realized. I spoke with several surrogate mothers who had been matched with clients through the site, and they all stood firm that nothing was done unless both the surrogate and the parents agreed to it. I would have a say in who I matched with. I would have a say in how much I was to be paid. I would even have a say in what the birthing experience would be like!

What finally sealed the deal for me, though, was the fact this company only dealt with what I learned were called "gestational surrogacies" -- meaning none of their surrogates were the biological parents of the babies they carried. I'd have someone else's egg inside me -- I would essentially be a walking incubator. That sounds kinda weird when you think about it, but it solved the biggest issue I had with tapping into this gold mine.

Not my baby? Not my DNA? Fine by me. I decided I'd gladly get paid fifty grand to sit around and grow someone else's kid. Sounded like the easiest job in the world.

I sent my application in two days later.

Two months, a psychiatric assessment, and dozens of medical tests later, I was in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Tariqs weren't the first couple who asked to meet with me. There were two other couples I had a first meeting with, but neither of them clicked with me the way Ray and Tess did.

We met for the first time at a park situated alongside the Tennessee River, bundled in jackets to keep out the early-autumn chill. There just so happened to be a food truck parked by the entrance we agreed to meet at, and Tess declared we should get to know each other over lunch. Seeing as I had skipped breakfast to make it to work on time, I didn't mind the idea.

I was standing off to the side while the Tariqs ordered from the truck, counting out the amount of cash I had on me, when suddenly I heard Tess call me over.

"Which one 'ya want, shug?" she asked, pointing to the menu plastered on the truck's side.

They bought me a chicken panini and a hot hazelnut macchiato, insisting it was their treat. If it were up to me, I wouldn't have needed the rest of that interview -- I had already chosen to be their surrogate in my head.

Buying me food is a fantastic way to get to get me to like you.

We sat at a picnic table beneath the golden oak trees and got to talking. Raymond (or Ray, as he preferred to be called) was a second-generation Indian immigrant and Tess, his wife, was a born-and-bred Knoxville gal. They lived on the rural side of Knoxville, just barely inside the city limits, in a 1960's farmhouse they'd refurbished themselves. Both were in their mid-thirties by the time they sought out surrogacy; up until that point, they'd been though quite a battle with infertility:

They'd been trying throughout their four years of marriage, but Tess could never carry to term. The few times her pregnancy tests would come up positive, she'd bleed a few weeks later. Although they weren't opposed to modern medicine, they'd preferred to try more "natural" methods to solve their fertility issue before going to a doctor. Such methods included the Kama Sutra, meditation, crystals, herbal blends and -- of course -- prayer.

Just the year prior, it seemed their home remedies had worked when Tess finally made it into the second trimester with a baby boy.

They'd lost him in a stillbirth days before the third trimester milestone.

Piled onto that tragedy, the hospital discovered Tess had a defective uterus -- it was physically impossible for her to carry to term. So, that's where I came in.

As I told them about myself, they were delighted to know I came from a household that had rather New Age ideas about life. I didn't mention that I no longer lived by those ideas -- it would've opened too many questions.

However, I certainly understood the good home remedies could do! I was more than happy to trade my recipes for salves for Ray's tips on where to buy the best beeswax in Knoxville. So happy, in fact, that I got carried away.

"My mom makes beeswax candles," I said, hurrying to swallow the bite of panini I had in my mouth. "She used to scent 'em with oils from her flowers, but the oil would seep right outta the wax once it got warm." I chuckled, feeling my nose crinkle in the embarrassing way it does when I laugh. "Sometimes, at dinner, we'd light one of her candles at the table. We'd blink and suddenly there'd be a puddle of rose oil dripping onto the beans and cornbread!"

"Maybe I can help her out with that," Ray said with a grin. He took a quick sip of his coffee. "My grandparents keep bees over in India. My family has a lot of tips on how to melt and mix the wax."

I almost choked on my food when I realized I'd brought up my family. Shit...now I had to be careful.

"Maybe," I said with a causal shrug. "She's back home in West Viginia with everyone else. It's a little hard to make time to see 'em."

"Oh, I'm sure," Tess nodded. "It's the same with my daddy's side of the family. We're just so far apart we forget 'ta check up on each other as often as we should." She finished off the last of her bagel. "And with you, Fawn, you work full time with a little 'un at home. I'm sure 'ya family understands."

I didn't blink for a while. I just stared at the river until the cold breeze dried my eyes out. "Oh, well..." I cleared my throat, "I don't have a little one at home."

Tess looked confused. Ray looked mortified.

"But it says on 'ya file you were pregnant last year?" Tess half-asked, half-stated. I could tell from her tone that there was no malice in her. She'd clearly read my profile and made assumptions.

I smiled, maybe showing a little too much teeth. "Yeah, I was. Very healthy pregnancy, very healthy baby boy, but I don't have a little one at home."

Ray put his hand over his wife's wrist, his sea glass bracelet quietly clattering on the wooden table. Tess went pale and her look of confusion faded into a silent scream.

"Oh. I'm...I'm sorry," she stammered. "I didn't mean 'ta-."

"No, no! I don't mind bringing him up!" I said, a nervous laugh jittering my lungs. "I never get the chance to talk about my son, but I think about him all the time!"

I surprised myself when the expected sorrow didn't come. Instead, excitement filled its place -- an odd sense of relief that I could let out some of the thoughts that had been haunting me.

I proceeded to word-vomit about how wonderful it was to be pregnant with my son, and how angelic his parents were to me, and how I knew he would be okay -- even if I missed him -- and so forth and so on. I honestly don't think I stopped for breath.

I saw Ray and Tess glance at each other from the corners of their eyes as I rambled, a pair of knowing grins on their faces.

I'm no mind reader, but I think that's when the Tariqs made their final decision.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tess was with me for the embryo transfer, her ring-laden hand resting on my arm as everything was prepped. I was bloated as a water balloon from the multiple fertility drugs I'd been plunging into my veins -- every day, might I add -- for the past month. I sure was hoping those suckers worked, because being in a permanent state of PMS was ass. Total ass.

I reclined on the exam table, legs up in those familiar stirrups and my hips covered by a thin sheet of paper. I inhaled through my nose as the doctor inserted a long, thin tube of plastic through the ring of my cervix -- the end of which was attached to a syringe full of clear fluid. Somewhere in that syringe, three little embryos floated around -- and one of them was hopefully about to nestle into its new home.

I watched the fuzzy grey blurs on the ultrasound screen as the doctor angled the wand to see what he was doing. As I watched each of the three tiny balls leave the tube...I just hoped those fertility drugs didn't work too well.

Tess grinned down at me once it was over, her blonde braid falling over her shoulder. "We got three good un's in there," she said. I noticed she was clutching the quartz pendant around her neck like a string of prayer beads. "I'm sure one of 'em will like 'ya enough 'ta stick around."

I think she was just as worried as I was. Tess's egg retrieval, the test tube fertilization, the freezing, and my daily injections all combined into almost three months of prep work just for this ten-minute procedure.

And if it failed, we'd have to do it all over again. And if that failed, we'd do it again. And again.

"Yeah," I sighed, lowering my legs from the stirrups, "I hope you're right, Tess. 'Cause if not, I swear to God I'm gonna have-."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"A girl!" Tess screeched to the high heavens, throwing herself against Ray in an attack hug. She jumped for joy while hanging from his neck, almost pulling the poor man to the floor. "It's a girl, Ray! We're havin' a girl!"

Ray laughed, backing up from the table so his wife didn't mule kick the ultrasound technician. "I don't know, Fawn," he said, looking my way with a huge smile and a raised eyebrow. "Do you think it's a girl?"

"Not sure," I said, my nose crinkling in a snicker, "but I think Tess said something about it being a girl."

"Shuddup you two," Tess giggled, sniffling as tears began falling down her cheeks.

Ray held his wife's face in his hands and gave her a kiss deep enough to explore the sea floor. The technician and I decided to focus on the ultrasound images to give the couple some privacy.

I craned my neck to look up at the screen. What had been a microscopic ball four months ago was now an apple-sized baby girl with wiggling arms and legs, and -- thank God -- there was only her in there. The other two embryos had never taken, but this rowdy little girl had held tight. I smiled as I watched the rapid flutter of her heart beating, amazed at the sight. I remembered being just as amazed by my son's heartbeat, what few times I'd gotten to see it.

"Look how active she is!" the technician said, pointing to the baby's constant wiggling. "You should be feeling those little dance moves of hers very soon."

Ray and Tess returned to admire the fuzzy images on the screen. Tess was drying her eyes on her sleeves, and Ray's smile may as well have been glowing. He had his arm around Tess's shoulders as they watched the miniature dance party going on inside me. The sea glass bracelet rattled as his hand came to rest over his heart.

"That's our daughter, Tess," he said. His voice broke a bit as he repeated: "That's our daughter."

"Yep," Tess sniffled, hugging her husband's torso and resting her head on his shoulder, "that's her."

I watched them hold each other like that until the technician turned off the wand and wiped the gel from my slightly rounded belly.

The Tariqs had already begun the steady payment plan we'd agreed to. Even after the agency took its cut each month, it was still more than I'd ever made in my life. That had been why I'd agreed to do this for them, after all.

That ultrasound appointment is what changed my outlook on what I was doing.

These two people. These two amazing people, so overcome with joy because I was carrying the baby that they could not.

I wasn't an incubator anymore. I felt more like a nanny, protecting their baby for them until she was strong enough to come out. They'd wanted this baby for so, so long -- and I was the one making that dream of theirs come true.

I knew what it was like to desperately want to hold a baby you were unable to have. I may not have been able to heal my own hurt, but here I was...healing theirs.

I wasn't doing it for the money after that.

I never did it for the money again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Five days after my twenty-first birthday, I woke up to a rather nasty surprise at one in the morning. I'd gotten kicked in the bladder, and my bedsheets and pajama bottoms were damp and sticking to my skin in the humid July air. Fantastic. Not again.

With a groan, I rolled out of bed and started shuffling my way to my door. I held the weight of my belly in my arms as I made my way to the upstairs communal bathroom, hoping to take the pressure off my hips.

I blinked against the harsh florescent light as it sputtered to life over the toilet. With a gruff sigh, I shut and locked the door.

"Suri, you gotta stop doing this," I slurred, my mouth too tired to move. "I'm letting you use my uterus as a bed and breakfast. The least you could do is not try to pop my bladder every night."

Surinder. Her name was Surinder, but we'd been calling her Suri for short. Ray picked it out. He liked it because it was based on the name of a Hindu god and also sounded like the word 'surrender' in English. Tess had fallen in love with the name. Me? I would've just stuck with 'Suri'. I knew exactly what kind of teasing she was in for at school with a name like 'Surinder'.

You can't exactly walk into public school with a name like 'Fawn' and not get laughed into oblivion.

At least the nickname gave her an extra name to fall back on. If that didn't work, she also had her middle name to use: Elora. I would've done the same back in high school -- I did have three to pick from -- but 'Aspen', 'Coriander', and 'Medulla' wouldn't have made the teasing any better.

I'd gone in at age eighteen and erased two of those names. It was just "Fawn Coriander Sequioa" now. Still not a normal name by any means. I often thought about going back into the records and legally changing my last name, just like my parents had done when they'd joined the commune before I was born.

I didn't need my last name. My family didn't want me anymore.

Alexander may have opened up a whole new world for me, but he made sure I burned every bridge behind me as I crossed it. I was already beginning to question my parents' worldview by the time I started dating him, but he took that little spark of doubt -- a spark that, if left alone, would've grown into a steady burn-away of my old ideals -- and fanned those embers into an uncontrollable hatred.

"They're a cult, babe," he'd told me. "Why can't you see that? I can take you away from that bullshit that says you gotta fuck other guys to be happy. I only want what's best for you, and for us."

After months of letting my teenaged angst and frustration boil over, it happened. An argument started between Mom and I over something asinine, and the geyser fucking exploded.

I parroted everything Alexander had been telling me. I told my parents they were nothing but sexual perverts who wanted me to be a whore all my life. I told them how their "woo-woo" medicine got kids killed all over the country, and that blood was on their hands. I told them how much they'd fucked up in raising me.

I told them I hated them.

I told Dad I hoped the next woman who sucked his dick bit it off.

I told Mom that if it was her, I hoped she died choking on it.

The last time I saw Dad, he was throwing everything I owned out of my bedroom window until I was on the sidewalk surrounded by broken furniture and muddy clothes.

The last time I saw Mom, she was sobbing face-down on the couch and refusing to look at me.

Even now, I would be willing sell my soul -- to lay down and die -- just to undo what I did that day.

I didn't give a shit at the time, though. I picked up what I could carry off the front lawn and walked to the nearest payphone to call Alex. I had to tell him I was finally free.

Free.

Right.

What a fucking joke.

I splashed some cold water on my face to wash off the nighttime sweat. Suri rolled one of her feet against the top of my belly, causing a little moving bump that I playfully poked with my finger.

"I'm going to bill you for all those crazy dance parties you're having in there, missy," I said with a grin, a lot less frustrated with her than I was a second ago.

I grabbed a washcloth to start cleaning myself off, but the realization dawned on me and I stopped cold. That was her foot. Her foot was at the top of my belly...which meant her head was angled down...which meant there was no way she'd kicked my bladder.

As I stood at the sink trying to solve that puzzle, I found the missing piece. My belly clamped down hard enough to pitch me forward. I grabbed onto the sides of the sink with a small gasp, feeling the muscles of my torso all tighten and shrink in the direction of my uterus. As it did, a little more dampness spread across my pajama pants.

Oh fuck.

Oh, holy fuck!

I left the bathroom in as much of a jog as I could manage, rushing back into my room and to the brand-new cell phone charging by the window. I had no idea how to save numbers on that thing, so I manually dialed Ray's number. His was the only one I could remember.

The other side of the call rang for a solid thirty seconds before Ray's sleep-drunk voice picked up:

"Hello?" he grumbled. "Who is this?"

Oh, right. He probably didn't have my new number saved, either.

"Ray, it's Fawn," I said, noticing too late that my voice was trembling. "You and Tess need to come pick me up...like right now!"

I heard a rustle on the other end, and suddenly Ray sounded very much awake. "Fawn? Fawn, what's wrong?!" I thought I heard Tess say something nearby, probably on the other side of their bed. "Why do you need us to get you?! Suri isn't due for another two weeks!"

"She...she had other plans," I said, taking a deep breath to steel my nerves. "My water just broke."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ray's face was illuminated by the highway streetlights as he glanced back at Tess and I in the backseat of the car. "How's it going back there?" he asked, flicking his gaze between us and the road.

"Aughh!" I groaned in response as a contraction stole my ability to speak. I tried to lift my hips off the leather seat as more fluid leaked from me, but the seatbelt held me down. I was already sitting in a small puddle of it, and I was worried I was ruining their upholstery. I was still dressed in my pajamas, but I considered them a lost cause.

"We're doin' fine," Tess said, slipping her hand into mine so I could squeeze it -- which I did. "Focus on the road, Ray."

Tess had buckled herself into the middle seat of the minivan, giving her enough room to tend to me while I was strapped in the window seat. I sat with my legs as far apart as the seatbelt would allow. I could already feel the baby pressing through my cervix, and I recognized the pounding pressure that came with it.

The contraction lasted about forty seconds, and it left me reeling and panting. I had no idea when to expect the next one. "Why is this happening so fast?!" I asked, my voice shrill with anxiety. "I was in labor for over a day last time!"

"It's probably not happenin' as fast as 'ya think, doll," Tess assured me, giving my hand a pat. "You could'a slept through most of early labor. Second baby always comes faster than the first, 'ya know."

No. No, I did not know!

"Tessie, how close did the doula say she was?" Ray asked, obeying his wife and not taking his eyes off the road that time.

Tess's face was bathed in white light as she quickly checked her phone. "Ten minutes," she said. "She'll be waiting outside the house when we get there."

Just before she put her phone away, I saw her clutching the quartz pendant again.

Just as promised, the doula was parked outside the Tariqs' farmhouse when we got there. She climbed out of her car as soon as our headlights lit up the gravel driveway. Ray parked the minivan with a lurch and jumped out to start helping her carry things into the house.

Tess helped me out of the car, letting me use her as a crutch as we hobbled up the front steps.

"You ready 'ta do this, Fawn?" she asked.

"Are you ready to do this?" I rebutted.

Tess paused for a second, and then rubbed my lower back as we reached the porch. "Not really," she said, "but no one ever is."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Turns out, I wasn't as deep into active labor as I thought I was. In fact, I'd barely started it. The doula told me I was six centimeters dilated, and that I'd likely been in labor for close to twelve hours at that point.

"No, that's not possible," I protested from my reclined position on the sofa. "I wasn't having contractions until now."

"Trust me, you were," the doula grinned from her place between my knees. She slipped off her blue latex gloves and tossed them in the trash as she stood up. "I'm willing to bet they were just really mild up until you started leaking."

It was a relief to know my water breaking didn't mean I was going to deliver right there and then; but it also sucked knowing I was still in for a long ride.

I spent the rest of that night laboring around the farmhouse. It was so nice to not be stuck in a hospital room that time. I was free to do as I pleased, which Ray and Tess were sure to make clear.

Ray opened a few of the windows to let the sounds of crickets and frogs in, as well as the sweet-smelling breeze of the countryside. Meanwhile, Tess made it her life's mission to make me as cozy as possible -- no matter where I ended up. Thanks to her, pillows followed me from the sofa to the floor, from the floor to the recliner, and then back to the sofa.

Eventually, I got too restless to sit still and I needed to be upright. I was on my feet for the rest of active labor, hanging from the edges of furniture or leaning on either Tess or Ray for support during the contractions. Neither of them minded a bit.

It didn't hurt any less than the first time I went into labor. At times, I was so overcome by the increasing horrible sensations that I began screaming. Each time that happened, either Tess or Ray (whichever I was currently clinging to) would wrap their arms around me and the other would redirect my focus.

"Look at me, doll," Tess said, taking my face in her hands while Ray held me upright.

I was hyperventilating and sobbing my way through a nasty contraction and had forgotten how to use my legs.

"Look at me," she repeated gently. "Focus on my face. See my eyes? My nose? My mouth?" she pointed to each feature as she listed them. "Just think about what'cha see. Think about every detail 'ya can."

It was a technique that sounded stupid on paper, but in practice it was very effective at keeping me grounded. If I counted each of Tess's eyelashes or tried to trace the shape of her mouth in my mind's eye, then I didn't focus on the pain.

I could do it. I knew I could. I'd done this whole song and dance before without painkillers. I could do it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At ten in the morning, eight hours after arriving at the house, I finally felt the shift that told me I was almost done with this.

I was kneeling on the hardwood floor of the living room, my thighs supported by the shallow birthing stool the doula had brought. Beneath me was an absorbent blue pad. Based on the design of the packaging it was pulled it from, it was supposed to be for potty training puppies. Weird...but if it worked, it worked -- and it was certainly needed. The head was descending quicky, and a few bloody strands of cervical mucus were dripping from me as the last of it gave way.

I'd shed the damp pajamas I came in, but the sweat rolling down my back made me shiver each time an outdoor breeze came through. Tess draped a thin blanket over my shoulders and stayed at my back, her hands never leaving my upper arms as I bowed my head and wailed through a transition contraction.

Ray knelt a few feet in front of me, the doula at his side. He looked a strange mixture of nauseous and excited -- we had decided he would be the one to catch the baby, and the doula was talking him through the process ahead of time. I noticed he was holding a hand to his heart as he listened to her, the sea glass bracelet hanging from his wrist.

We all knew it was about to happen.

When the head finally lodged itself into my birth canal, I said nothing. I just acted. I gripped the front edges of the foot-tall birthing stool and let out a feral growl as I started to push. A chorus of encouragement came from the people around me:

"That's it, doll! C'mon!"

"Go with the urge, Fawn. You've got this!"

"Very good, that's what we like to see."

Having gravity on my side this time made pushing feel much less like a chore. I could feel Suri working her way down each push I gave, and she usually stayed where she was once I let up. Kneeling on the stool seemed to be easing her down exactly where she needed to go.

I let out a yelp -- of surprise more than pain -- as I suddenly felt her head pressing against the skin of my perineum. The pressure opened my lips up like a flower, and the doula shined a flashlight underneath me to confirm her head was visible just inside the bulge of my lips, sitting there ready to crown with the next push.

And holy fuck, did she crown! The burn started the second her scalp met the outside air.

"Oww! God-fucking-damn it!" I white-knuckled the wooden stool, a strangled scream leaving my throat as I felt the head bulge out further, peeling my vagina apart like some demented fruit.

Ray scooted closer, rubbing alcohol up and down his arms in preparation to catch. With the doula watching over his shoulder and aiming a flashlight down so he could see, Ray slipped his hands beneath me. I felt his fingers prodding the skin around the head.

"Just like that, yes," the doula told him. "Help her open, this baby seems to be eager."

"No shit!" I roared, my arms trembling as another push sent the head rushing downward. "Fuck!"

I felt Ray's fingers trace the circumference of his daughter's head as more of it emerged, heard the quiet squelching of the afterbirth coating his fingers. When I no longer had the contraction to help me, I let up. Ray kept trying to massage my vagina open, even as I was trying to rest.

"Stop!" I snapped, and he withdrew.

Tess was hiding behind me, her hands on my shoulders the only reminder she was there. She peeked over my shoulder at her husband during the brief lull in my screaming.

"How far is she out?" she asked, unable to see for herself.

The doula craned her neck. "Almost fully crowned."

"She has so much hair," Ray said with a breathy laugh.

"She does," the doula agreed with a grin. "Her daddy's hair, too. Very dark."

I tilted my head to the side, panting heavily but morbidly curious. "Can...can I feel?" I asked.

The doula took my hand and lead it below my belly. I gasped in awe when I touched the hot, gooey ball of hair sticking out from my body.

"Woah..." I muttered, not sure what to else to say.

My fingertips wandered between my legs for a few seconds, and it was both fascinating and horrifying how my anatomy felt nothing like my own body. Everything was stretched and moved around, and it didn't feel like I was touching anything resembling a human body part -- save for the head sitting where a head shouldn't be. Frightened, I pulled my hand back just in time to bear down against a new contraction.

"Hands out, Ray," the doula gently encouraged. "Here she comes."

I felt Tess press her forehead into my upper back. I think she was feeling faint.

"Ah!" A sharp cry, almost a bark, shot from me as the head reached a full crown for a few terrible seconds. Then, with a wet slip, her whole head came free.

"Holy Mother Gaia..." Ray marveled in a half-whisper. His hands cupped the head hanging under me with the most attentive care in the world.

He didn't have much time to admire the view, I wasn't done pushing. I screamed through closed lips as I felt the ring of flesh just behind my skin get stretched wider than it had ever been. I knew something was wrong as soon as that stabbing, tearing burn began. Suri was two weeks early, but she suddenly felt bigger than my son had been.

"Pull her out!" I begged, remembering what the doctor had done. "Just pull her out!"

"Can't," the doula said. "Her hands are up by her ears, there's nowhere for us to grab."

"Take it slow, Fawn," Ray offered. "I've got her, there's no reason to rush."

I took a few quick pants and rested, hoping the stabbing burn would lessen if I let myself stretch out. It's no wonder it hurt so bad delivering her shoulders, she was making this part more difficult than it needed to be.

Tess's hands lightly squeezed my arms and I felt her hiding her face in the blanket draped over my back. Yeah, she was definitely on the verge of passing out.

Gravity was pulling on Suri even as I was trying to let myself stretch, and the shifting pressure triggered me to push without the aid of a contraction.

"Aughh, Suri come on!" I begged, pushing so hard my vision was going double.

Maybe saying her name was intimidating enough to get her to move, because with that push I felt her arms pop free. Ray gasped, and I felt his hands shift to support her upper body as the rest of her slipped out of me. I heard fluid splash and splatter onto the puppy pad, and just a second later, Ray lifted a small blue baby up from under me.

"Get her breathing," the doula urgently instructed. "Turn her over and rub her back. Support her head."

Ray obeyed, gently flipping Suri over on his lap and rubbing his large hand over her back. Her head hung disturbingly limp on her neck as he jostled her around, but I knew that's what it was supposed to be like. It still looked scary.

Suri splayed her arms out, as if she's been surprised, and let out a gurgling wail as her first breath.

"There she is," Ray sighed with releif, turning her back over to hold her in his arms. The doula whipped out a small towel and draped it over her body to keep her warm.

Tess came back to life and rushed to be beside her husband the instant she heard the baby cry. The moment she saw Suri in her daddy's hands, she dropped to her knees and covered her mouth. Her eyes spilled over, tears flowing down her cheeks.

"Oh, Ray!" she cried, her voice shaky and breaking. She reached out and pet her daughter's wet mop of black hair. "Ray, she's beautiful!"

Ray couldn't answer, he was too choked on tears of his own. Both parents held their daughter between their bodies, too joyful for words to express. Their tears and shared kisses told the story, though.

As for me, I wasn't too sure what to make of the situation. She was out, she was healthy, and her parents would be taking it from here. My job was done; but it did feel a bit...abrupt.

"Fawn," Tess turned to me, uselessly trying to dry her eyes, "do you want to hold her?"

I didn't think, I just spoke: "Yes. I've never held a baby before."

Ray and Tess lifted Suri up to me. Ray adjusted my hold so I could support the places that needed it, and Tess made sure the bloodied towel was in place so Suri wouldn't get cold. Within seconds, there I was with a minute-old baby in my arms, sitting against my bare chest.

I stared down silently at the tiny person who had been living inside me the last nine months. She was screaming her head off, but her lungs were sounding clearer each time her mouth opened. Her pink, toothless gums reminded me of a fish's mouth.

"Hey, Suri," I said, my voice sounding far away. "Must feel better out here, huh?" Suri wailed again, unhappily flailing her arms and legs around. "Or not."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I rested on the sofa, extra puppy pads beneath me, as the doula and the parents did the 'lotus ceremony' on the other side of the room. I'd had to sit on that stool for an extra twenty minutes until the placenta passed -- Ray and Tess wanted to have a lotus birth, where the cord was burned through only after the afterbirth was delivered.

I didn't want to know what they planned to do with the placenta itself.

Ray had offered to drive back to the women's shelter later that day to grab my duffel bag for me. In my panic, I'd completely forgotten the overnight bag I'd packed. So, for the time being, I was naked and covered only by the thin blanket Tess had given me.

The lotus ceremony finished up, and Ray and Tess pulled up some chairs to sit beside me. Tess had gone topless and had laid a sleeping Suri carefully across her chest, doing skin-to-skin so they could establish the proper mother-baby bond. Her eyes were red and raw, and fresh tears were falling from them.

"Fawn," she began, "you'll never know how much this means 'ta us."

"You're welcome," I said, offering the couple a tired smile. "She was a rowdy tenant, but I'd gladly do it again to give you guys the family you want. You'll be an amazing mom, Tess."

Tess let out a small sob that turned into a chuckle. "Thank 'ya."

Ray rubbed his wife's back, his own fresh tears falling. "We have something very special to give you, Fawn. It's...the closest thing we have to fully repaying you."

Tess nodded. "Money ain't enough. It would never be enough."

In sync, both couples removed the pieces of jewelry I'd never seen them without: Tess, her quartz pendant; Ray, his sea glass bracelet. Without a word, both new parents bestowed the items on me as if it were a coronation. Tess slipped the pendant around my neck and flipped my hair out from under the chain it hung on. Ray carefully slid the band of clattering sea-green beads over my hand until it came to rest softly on my wrist.

I looked at the new gifts with a grateful smile. "Something to remember you guys by?"

The couple gave each other one of their classic knowing grins.

"No," Tess said. "We chose these items months ago. They were always intended for who our surrogate would be."

I tilted my head to the side like a confused dog -- I guess the puppy pads were appropriate after all. "What?"

"From the day we met you, we've been praying over them," Ray explained, repeating the hand-over-heart motion I'd frequently seen him do with the hand that had worn the bracelet. "Each milestone we reached, we made sure our joy in the moment was stored in the crystals."

"Quartz is best to channel the energy of a mother, for Mother Gaia," Tess explained. "Glass shaped by the sea is best for a father's energy, for all life was fathered by the sea."

We were silent for a while, just staring at each other. The only sound was the soft cooing Surinder made in her sleep.

"We want you 'ta be a part of this family, Fawn," Tess said. "We've put a part of our essence into these crystals. Our joy, our love, our gratitude. So, whenever 'ya wear 'em, we'll be with 'ya."

Now I was crying. I opened my jaw to say something, but nothing came.

"We've talked about it, and..." Ray said with a smile. "...if you would like to, we'd be more than happy to have you stay here with us until you get back on your feet."

"Livin' out here has been much less of a headache than in the city," Tess continued. "We could help you find a nice 'lil place of your own sometime soon, a home where you can make a life for 'yaself."

There was another pause. I let tears fall silently down my bewildered face.

"You don't talk much about 'ya family," Tess said. "You don't owe us no explanation, but...Ray and I figured...you might need someone in 'ya corner."

That was it. That was the killing blow.

I jumped forward and threw my arms over Ray, collapsing into sobs I hadn't experienced in months. I would've grabbed both of them, but Tess had the baby. I didn't actually say anything to them, but I think they got the message.

Maybe there was something to those New Age ideas of theirs. As I sat there sobbing, I swear I could feel the warmth of Tess and Ray's love seeping into my skin through those minerals.

It seeped through my blood and sinew, and even though bone. It settled into the bleeding wound in my soul that refused to heal, the one that had been torn open the first time I called my family after the fallout:

My own mother, the one who promised to love me no matter what life threw, plunged the knife in and twisted it. The last words she ever spoke to me...were a threat to kill me if I ever tried to come back home.

The warmth of Ray and Tess's gift poured into that wound like warm honey -- not healing it, but soothing it for the first time in three years.

Maybe I was overthinking it. Maybe the heat in the jewelry was just from their body heat.

But I was sure about one thing:

I wasn't alone anymore.

~ END ~

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s3 episode 2 thoughts

(racing against time because a thunderstorm is rapidly encroaching but i need to know what happens next)

and for once, a storm did not disrupt my streaming experience! but i almost wish it did. because this episode made me very sad. let's jump in.

we got another “previously on the X files” at the start... is that what is gonna happen every time now?? not sure if i like that or not. but i'm sure it was useful back when you had to wait a week in between episodes, to jog the memory.

noooo not the alien gassing scene again!!! it was featured in our recap. and it was just as evil as the first time.

so now the story begins.

we're back in New Mexico. Albert is talking about the story of the gila monster. it is a great story! i wonder if they had cultural consultants for this season, or hired an Indigenous writer.

Albert announces that a great event took place on the plains!!! a white buffalo was born on the same day mulder was revived…. this is a powerful omen of great changes.

(and the buffalo didn’t look white, but tbh, probs hard to find one for such a scene, so perhaps washed out lighting was the best they could do. i understand the constraints)

does the theme sound slightly off? almost like it starts on a different beat now. OH they cut the whole thing short. well that would explain the difference i felt. why would they do this to me? i was well-accustomed to the rhythm! can't a girl groove a little?

okay, NOW we're back to the gun off between scully and skinner. and it’s tense!

mulder bursts in and I’m CACKLINGGG. please, this had to be the last thing he was going to expect. his boss and his bestie with guns in each other's faces. i’m cryinggg

(also her face. her face when she sees it is him. it's sooo good)

“you okay, scully?”, he asks, adding his gun to the fray “yeah”, she says, as she looks at the man back from the dead... ohhhhhhh... the sense of relief

and OHHHH they BOTH pull guns on skinner to get the tape back!! i'm SOOOOOOO seated. this is juicy.

and i hate to say it, but skinner is lowkey making sense here with his campaign to keep the tape. he says that they don’t want it back in "their" hands. skinner seems deeply confused regarding whatever the hell just happened but they finally agree that he should hold onto it for now.

this next part, when they leave his place. man. i'm just gonna keep it verbatim because it captured a lot of emotions:

"OHHHH LOOK AT HER FACE WHEN THEY GET ALONE TOGETHER OHHH SHE’S SOOOO CUTE OHHH THE LITTLE SMILE OH I’M DEAD"

it was SO sweet. she couldn't believe it. he tried to say something but she cut him off, saying she went to his father's funeral and told his mom she would be okay, because she knew it. she didn't know how, but she knew it.

(they were leaned in so close for so long... for a split second i thought they would kiss and then the elevator closed... ohhh. maybe they did and we just didn't see it)

((maybe this is the part where they kissed in the bloopers i have seen floating around? if so. i get it. i think i would have done the same had i found myself acting in such a scenario))

but the sweetness cannot last, and we are back to the hospital, where poor mrs. scully is dealing with learning her OTHER daughter was shot in the head. the head!!! a terrible place to be shot!!! they put melissa in an induced coma!!!!! melissa did not deserve this and scully doesn’t even KNOW this has happened!!

ohh, i’m sad. but we’re back with the lone gunmen, and things are okay in scully’s mind, because mulder’s back and they have a trail to chase and she doesn’t know yet that her sister was shot in the head. and i’m sad because she doesn’t know such a horrible thing happened, but also i want to be happy because she’s happy. her face when she saw him. i will think about it for decades.

operation paper clip mentioned... ah, yes, i have heard of this. they mention a nazi named “Victor Klemper”... is he real? verdict is in, one search later: victor is NOT real. but he has a very similar name to a real famous german historian!

“what would he be doing in a photo with your father”, asks scully. and why did she say this in a manner that was, to me, seductive? you know what? i think honestly it’s a me problem. shame on me for being distracted from the narrative by such things.

frohike and mulder reunion!!! it is sweet. but only for a moment is it sweet, because he breaks the news on scully's sister, who is horrified.

she runs really fast to try and go see her, but mulder catches up to her in the stairwell when she is almost out the door, and says the people who meant to kill her will be waiting at the hospital. oh, and melissa's earlier words from s2 episode 8, about mulder trying to get even, are prophetic here… “cause the only thing you can do for her right now is to try to crucify them", he says. it is a shame her wishes for peace and acceptance instead of violence couldn't be honored, and that going to visit her wouldn't be safe.

at the UN alien council. they are discussing this "serious mistake", of shooting melissa instead of scully. OH! the man from the funeral is there!!!

(for the sake of this episode, he shall bear the moniker "funeral man". but if he has a real name, please feel free to share. i'm asking you to do so. because i come up with these things on the fly. and i really could read the credits i guess but this is mostly just a one person operation with google only serving to check historical accuracy, not things as risky to spoilers as the NAMES of the CHARACTERS!)

((but i did see cig man/cancer man referred to in my notes once as "csr" which actually made sense. because i had spun one of those "fuck marry kill" wheels on here and gotten "csr x files" and i had no idea who that was referring to. but it turns out i did know him. kill btw))

funeral man is calling out cig man’s “ridiculously ineffectual assassins”, which, honestly, what did we expect from krychek? and oh, he is digging INTO cig man. it's enjoyable to witness. he’s being called out for mulder not really being dead AND the tape not really being in his hands like he claims. cig man LIES (average thing for him to be doing, all things considered), and tells the others on the alien council that “i’ll have it here for you tomorrow” which is an awful big promise. a very very big promise. 

next scene: a greenhouse! it's quite lovely until it isn't, because the old man tending to the flowers is victor, a nazi who got clemency under operation paperclip. so a very very bad fellow. scully is being mean to him, but obviously he deserves much, much, much worse. 

he asks about a formula and scully knows it, then says the photo was from west virginia. those are the only cryptic clues he offers. okay, off to a very mountainous road trip. god bless their poor souls. dealing with motion sickness on top of all the mess at hand.

funeral man is receiving a call from victor. they know each other? he snitched that mulder visited the greenhouse. and victor says funeral man was “venal”. new word learned! meaning susceptible to bribery!! is this the truth...?? i mean i THINK mulder comes from money due to the whole martha's vineyard thing, but does he have enough to buy his way out of this?

also. let's ask the real question. why is victor calling and dropping clues. is it fun for him.

anyway, the rest of the alien subdivision of the UN says that they are calling in “their friends who will handle this matter more satisfactorily” because krychek obviously sucks at his job 

KRYCHEK SPOTTED at the hospital! wait no it was actually just another random well-dressed guy stalking about. BUT YOU KNOW WHO IS HERE: ALBERT!!!!

did he come all the way here from New Mexico or was he is in the region... 😭😭 Albert, you deserve more than this earth will ever give you. so much has been taken from you. and yet you continue to give.

our agents are pulling up to west virginia. it looks like a ghost town, and i’ve heard that is an accurate depiction. they walk into an abandoned place. with bats in the building!! be careful!! they are rabies vectors!!!

(can you imagine if the show just ended here because mulder got rabies and died. pause to imagine this with me. then i will walk you back to the stuff that actually did happen)

ohh, and as they enter this place, the score is going wild!!! i'm rocking with it. i love a good score. the suspense is building. i ALWAYS want there to be violins to indicate suspense.

they find some locked doors with keypads, and they’re putting in 27828. it’s not working so he’s like "are you SURE scully?" and she says “i’m positive, Napier’s constant is the basis of all natural logarithms” and i giggled. and maybe also kicked my feet and twirled my hair. 

(i am learning, through this liveblog, that nothing makes me blush more than pretty people reciting semi-obscure facts. make of that observation what you will, because op will be contemplating it for a while)

they finally get it open!! i never doubted your number skills, scully. but before they go in, she’s worried about how he’ll feel!!!! what if his father was a bad guy :( “I just know how it would affect me” :((((( she is so thoughtful...

(i'm torn between making a genuine observation on the fact that despite she just learned her sister is dying, she still makes time to be certain mulder is okay with proceeding because it could be upsetting to him. and the other thing i'm thinking about is that that one meme that says "pearl is so kind" and i'm just imagining scully there instead of pearl. i suppose there is room for both)

back to skinner’s office. cig man has arrived. skinner is approaching him like an animal its prey, while bill clinton looms over the corner. 

skinner says he MAY have found the cassette and cig man is PISSSSSED at the implication he would “work deals”. well king!! you may have no choice!

(i hope that what skinner REALLY has is an identical cassette that just has syllables that LOOK like Navajo code but actually mean absolutely nothing. that would be evil and entertaining to me)

cig man looks like he is gonna CRY he is so desperate! but he is basically saying he’ll kill skinner if he has to, so watch out. and AGAIN. banger tv score as all this goes down.

our agents are in an old mine. it’s very dark and full of records!

(turns on the lights and sees the rows of cabinets stretch for what seems like eternity) “lots of files” “lots and lots of files” <- so true

mulder kinda sounds like he’s gonna have a breakdown. all the files have tissue in them... gross???? he asks when she was born so they can check that year’s files AND SEE IF SHE IS IN THEM. OH GOSH. 

and they find her file right away!!! it has a tissue sample and everything, and it’s recent, and that means the project must still be ongoing, despite how abandoned this mine is.

THEY FIND HIS SISTER’S FILE!!!! we are getting so close to answers. but there is a sticker over her name, because the file was originally his. so someone swapped his sister for him???

he’s freaking the fuck out at some large noises, and he runs and leaves her in the archives. something is hissing. AN ARMY OF ALIENS SCAMPERS BY???? they are running from something. HUH??? dana scully alien encounter??? did they just run by her or was that a different corridor in this endless mountain maze. did she see them. it was like a stampede. very hard to miss.

it seems that the aliens from the spaceship are coming and mulder is drawn to them. HIDE! HIDE FROM THEM! THEY WILL TAKE YOU!

he sees a GIANT spaceship flying over the compound. like giant and it’s super bright and it just. flies over. well, I guess west virginia isn’t a bad place to hide such things. due to the lack of people there.

this is not a dig at west virginia it's just rather sparsely populated.

scully is down in the archives still, and a whole lot of people are rolling up with guns. NOOO!! they are shooting at him!!!! with a stormtrooper aim. he is escaping their bullets as if this is just a jungle gym for him.

REUNION in the dark archives!!! scully found a back way out, where it seems the aliens left!!!! they're running into the woods together!!! it’s almost romantic!!!

skinner cam. he’s in maryland. at a nice little diner in the middle of nowhere. WITH OUR AGENTS!!!!

mulder says the hit squad looked like CIA, and i assumed there was some CIA-FBI tensions, but i’m unfamiliar with the lore, in terms of both real life and txf universe. it seems it’s severe though. skinner says he’ll negotiate their lives for the tape but mulder is like NO the public deserves the truth. which is lovely. i love ideals and sticking to your morals. and he’ll die for it bitch!!! he did once!!

“in your wildest dreams, what do you possibly hope to find, agent mulder?” “why they killed my father. and what happened to my sister” ohhh mulder sounds so scared and hurt... because he is. all this talk of truth and morals guiding his life but also this whole thing is so intensely personal for him, it seems impossible to separate one cause from the other. ohh i'm emotional. 

“and what they did to agent scully”, he adds OHHHHH oh man. his family. they took his family. and he needs revenge, he needs to know. and she is included in that. MAN.

scully says they should make the deal, he says “what makes you think there’s any such thing as justice?”, it’s heating up. again, i say: replace the cassette with out of context Navajo syllables. hire me for the FBI.

i was concerned about scully advocating for the deal- does not the truth mean something to her? of course we know it does, but she is being realistic. the truth won't mean much if they're on the run forever, and there is no one to corroborate their story. but she clarifies:

"i want exactly what you want. but i need to see my sister” :((( they both look so sad

“it’s up to you, scully” he’s mad and torn but he leaves the choice to her because her opinion is the one he cares the most about :( and really there are no good options, it's an awful situation

she said to make the deal, but not hand over the tape until mulder says to. hmm. will this plan work?

“i’m sorry about your sister, scully”, he finally says, and she replies that “i just need to know she’s going to be okay”. but i’m not sure it’s looking so good for her and that makes me SO SAD. on the ride home, she sits in the back and lets mulder take shotgun. and i realize, this is because she’s probably gonna cry back there and try to hide it. OUGH.

albert back at the hospital! he prayed over missy for two days. have we said thank you to him? and if so we should keep saying it until we all perish.

but he has received news from the north: the white buffalo calf that was such a strong omen is no longer drinking its mother’s milk. and the mom is sad, and then she died. this is not a good sign. “for something to live, another thing must often be sacrificed”, he says, and it becomes clear someone is not making it out of this episode. i hope against all hope it was krychek that was going to bite it.

it was not :(

skinner here at the hospital to see melissa. he tells scully’s mom that dana is okay, but in a very serious situation they hope to reverse :( 

albert points out that some guy has been snooping in on their room (and it wasn’t krychek, whose name corrects to all caps in my phone, because i only speak of him with hate in my heart) but just some other similar looking guy. skinner says albert, you stay here, i’m going off. hopefully for some hospital violence. hospital violence ensues!!! and this time krychek IS there.

but the violence does not go in the direction i hoped for, which was for skinner to kick some ass. it's three on one, they beat him and leave him in the corner and take the tape!!!! noooooooo!! poor skinner, i was coming around to you.

also leaving this next part verbatim because it is funny:

"fucking krychek i hate everything about you and i hate your new slicked back greaser hair and i hope you trip and fall and all of your limbs fall off and the doctors wonder how they can even happen because they have never seen it before WHAT NOW HE’S RUNNING??? the car blew up before he ran away. and the folks he was running from SEE him running away so he literally can’t even do a good job at bailing"

(if you need a translation: krychek's fellow assassins stopped to grab some drinks, so he pocketed the cassette and left before their car blew up)

back at the greenhouse. our agents are looking for victor, who apparently died yesterday. and funeral man is here!!! they openly accuse him of killing victor. he does not deny this claim.

funeral man is going on about roswell, operation paperclip, and mengele. he’s going on about hybrid orchids and mulder realizes that victor must have been trying to create an alien-human hybrid. which would explain the smallpox vaccination scars in the alien bodies found in New Mexico. FUNERAL MAN. WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON??

he's on the side of whoever can solve his little riddles i guess

mulder is MAD his dad was involved with this, but scully says it can’t be true, because DNA wasn’t even a thing people knew of until 1944. i mean, they’re lying about a whole lot. why not lie about the timeline of DNA discovery, too?

funeral man says men like mr. mulder were instructed to gather genetic data on the general populace, and that his dad had objected strongly to its true purpose. allegedly this experiment was for post apocalyptic identification, which doesn't really make sense to be, but okay. hundreds of millions of americans had their info collected from smallpox vaccine data.

scully is saying that it’s all a lie, that he’s saying everything mulder wants to hear, and i'm agreeing with her. funeral man says “why would i lie to you?” um better question: what would you gain by telling the truth??

mulder flat out yells that she was abducted by aliens and this doesn’t go over well as you can probably guess. she is working overtime to NOT think about that. so she walks away from the whole thing.

leaving just the two conspirators. OH, listen to this: funeral man claims they took his sister as insurance because his father threatened to expose the project!! “you also threaten to expose the project. you’ve become your father” <- hmm. that is a bold claim. because mulder has never willingly engaged in the creation of alien-human hybrids. 

chat, do we believe him? i feel that samantha’s abduction being an act of random and horrific tragedy seems more likely. and possibly more poignant. 

krychek is on the phone with cig man. “i’m alive. isn’t that a surprise?” “yes, yes, good good good. where are you?” <- LMAOOOO king of playing it casual

“somewhere where you’ll never find me, you double crossing son of a bitch” hmmm. the double crosser gets double crossed. shocked pikachu face. he threatens to make cig man “famous”, which i wouldn't be opposed to, which is NOT the same as endorsing him or his actions. 

cig man says there is no deal to make regarding the files and the agent’s lives. oh, so he thinks he can just have both, i see how it is

very sudden cut to mulder at his mom’s house at 2 am. asking his mom if she ever had to choose a favorite child. she keeps denying and denying until:

“no. i couldn’t choose. it was your father’s choice. and i hated him for it. even in his grave i hate him still” OHHHH this is adding validity to the theory that funeral man was telling the TRUTH???? poor Samantha :(

wait this is SO sad. and to think of how harsh his dad was to him while he was alive. how he must have expected the absolute best from his son because he knows he chose him over his sister. and how the only consolation for having to make that choice is to expect his son to be Perfect. which could never happen. just leaving him in deep distress. man. that is truly messed up.

man. i feel like we need space for that revelation.

but cig man is at skinner’s office. lighting up. as usual. skinner says he has the tape in exchange for the safety of the agents, but cig man says he knows skinner is bluffing

HOLY FUCK: “you ever wondered what it would be like to, uh, die in a plane crash? of botulism? even a heart attack?” <- HUH???? his melodic cadence makes this even scarier. goodness that escalated quickly.

“i’m not finished yet” (skinner fetches Albert) ALBERT??? I LOVE HIM TOO MUCH FOR HIM TO BE AT THIS SCENE. GET HIM OUT OF HERE. KEEP HIM SAFE. OH: ALBERT CAN RECITE EVERYTHING FROM THE TAPE. 

albert please do not bring this risk upon yourself, i mumble to myself OH! he told 20 other people from the tribe. “so unless you kill every Navajo living in four states… that information is available with a simple phone call. welcome to the wonderful world of high technology” wow. skinner if you had access to the tech i know about i think you would be so pleased. or maybe not. regardless, a good play. just KEEP albert safe i am NOT messing around.

cig man gets scared and leaves. as he should!

mulder at the hospital. scully is sitting alone. NO??? NOT MELISSA??? 

no, it can't be true, but it is: melissa died in surgery.

they both agree they need to get back to work so they have something to keep them from going insane with grief. their whole exchange was very emotional and powerful, but i was too sad to make extensive notes, so i'll have to circle back to that someday.

and she says “i’ve heard the truth. now what i want are the answers”. he holds her while she sits and stares at her sister's empty hospital bed. 

NOOOOO. i am filled with such sadness. scully now has to live with this belief that her sister died for her, and that she didn’t get to say thank you. and i’m very sad because i liked melissa a lot and scully deserves no pain. and her poor mother... oh, there are real tears in my eyes while i type this.

and mulder, forced to know that his father chose him over his sister, that his father was involved in what he sought to destroy, that had his father picked any other line of work, he could have had a normal, happy childhood. what the fuck. this is sooo evil. i’m sad!!! yeah i’m crying about the damn alien show. so what!!! so what!!!

listen, just because an episode is sad, does not mean it wasn’t good. it was a very good episode. i’m just sad. sometimes multiple things can be true.

grief of our main agents and their families aside, my top concern is Albert. is he going to be safe and protected? can he continue to spread the oral tradition? maybe get it written down too, for extra insurance? typed up? saved? backed up? written in notebooks? stored in archives? is he even telling the TRUTH? do other Navajo men actually know to recite the files and how to decode them? that seems like it will take a very long time to learn.

my main takeaway from the episode is to not work for the government because they will ruin your life.

it was a good episode. a great episode, even. but I’m gonna need about 30 beach episodes to make up for it. and also for the og theme to come back because you can’t change that up on me once I’m in a pattern. 

[nowandajenn]

Blue Christmas-dirty shame

Series warnings: angst (like a lot), mentions of infidelity, language, family drama, pregnancy, sexual situations.

This chapter contains smut. No minors!!!

December 17th

I let out a frustrated sigh as I look again through the clothes that are hanging in the closet in the spare room at my brother’s house. I’m scheduled to shoot a wedding tomorrow and I don’t have anything here that’s remotely suitable to wear, and the thought of venturing out to the mall or any of the shops in Boston this close to Christmas has me breaking out in hives. The original plan was to come back to work after the holidays were over, but I had forgotten about the Greenberg wedding, which I’d been hired for about eight months ago. 

I glance over at my cell phone sitting on the nightstand. Chris hasn’t called or texted since we last spoke almost a week ago, and the sane, rational part of me is glad that he’s backed off and given me space and time to try and figure out the mess of thoughts and emotions going through my head. The other, less sane, part of me that’s still in love with my husband is aching at the loss of contact. I keep waiting for the day that I wake up and find out that this has all been some horrible nightmare. 

I should call him or at least text to let him know that I’m coming over. I can be in and out; grab a dress and go. No muss no fuss. Although on the other hand, why should I have to announce that I’m coming to my own house to pick up an outfit? Honestly, it might be easier to just brave the rabid, pre Christmas crowds at this point. 

I let out a sigh when I turn onto our street and see that Chris’ car isn’t in the driveway. As much as the traitorous, emotional side of me is wishing that I could just see him again, I know that I’m not ready for that. Hell, just getting out of bed and out into the world at this point is a major achievement in my eyes. 

I pull in the driveway and shut off the car, mentally preparing myself to walk in the home that we share together, that up until recently, was filled with only good, warm memories. The second that my key hits the lock, I hear Dodger on the other side of the door going crazy. I manage to get the door open and turn off the alarm before I’m knocked to the floor by 60 pounds of pure love and crazy puppy energy. I can’t keep myself from laughing as Dodger jumps all over me, trying frantically to lick me to death while jumping all over the place. 

“Come on! Dodge! Let me up, come on! I’m happy to see you too!” I laugh. 

I finally manage to get up off the floor and take my shoes off before heading into the living room. It’s not as clean as it normally is, but at least the house isn’t trashed like I thought it might be. My gaze sweeps around the room, and again, I’m struck dumb by the realization that despite my whole world going crazy, nothing here has changed. It all looks exactly the same. All of the pictures are in the same spots, the candles and knick knacks are all still there, the Christmas tree that Chris and I picked out and cut down is still there, decorated and ready with the presents underneath. 

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. This isn’t why I came here. I came here to get a dress, and the sooner I get it and get out of here, the better. I walk into the master bedroom and almost do a double take. The room is absolutely pristine. There aren’t any stray socks on the floor, the bed is immaculately made, there’s no sign that anybody’s even set foot in here. Curiously, I walk into the ensuite bathroom and again, it looks like it hasn’t been touched. 

Immediately, a million thoughts race through my mind. Has Chris not been sleeping in here? Has he not even been sleeping at home? Did the cleaning lady come today? Has Chris been sleeping in someone else’s bed while we’ve been separated, or whatever? I shake my head and try and focus on the task at hand. It takes longer than I would have liked, but I finally settle on a floor length burgundy dress that’s light and flowy with off the shoulder sleeves. I actually wore this to a wedding that Chris and I went to last October, and I remember loving the way that it looked on me, while still being loose enough to move around with ease. 

Just as I’m grabbing a pair of shoes out of the closet to go with the dress, I hear a car door slam and then the chirp of an alarm. I shut my eyes and groan soflty. So close. I hear the door open and like clockwork, Dodger goes nuts. Trying to delay the inevitable, I go into the bathroom to grab my flat iron and my makeup bag, throwing it all in a small carry on bag from the closet. 

“Hey.” 

Chris looks up from where he’s got his head buried in the fridge, putting groceries away when he hears my voice. 

“Hey back.” 

I shift my weight from foot to foot awkwardly, trying to figure out how to navigate this. It feels so wrong to be alone in a room with Chris and feel this nervous and unprepared for anything that might come next. Even when we first met, there were never any weird silences or awkward moments; everything just came so easily when it came to us. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t call or anything……I have a wedding to shoot tomorrow and I needed a dress, and I didn’t have anything on hand.” 

I watch as he shrugs slightly, going back to putting groceries in the fridge.

“It’s fine. It’s your house too.” he tells me. 

“I know……it’s just…..I don’t know. I felt weird just walking in. Like I didn’t know what I was going to walk in on.” 

Chris looks up at me and I can’t place the exact emotion on his face. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“Nothing, I just didn’t know what the house was going to look like…..” my voice trails off. 

“Or if you were going to walk in and catch me balls deep in another woman? Is that what you’re trying to say?” he asks bitterly. 

“No, that’s not what I was going to say, but since you bring it up, where the hell have you been sleeping? Because the bedroom doesn’t look like it’s been touched since I left.” I snap. 

Jesus Christ. Abort. Abort. This is starting to get really hostile and it’s definitely NOT how I wanted things to go. 

“It looks like that because I’ve been sleeping on the fucking couch since you left! I tried sleeping in our bed, and I can’t fucking do it. It’s hard enough being just in this house without you, but being in that room, in our bed, where the sheets still smell like you, it’s torture. So I sleep on the goddamn couch. Is that what you want to hear? Huh?” I watch as he turns away from me and grips the granite counter top, his weight shifting to lean more on his hands. 

“What do you want from me Chris?” I ask tiredly. 

“I want you to come home! I want us to try and fix this. I want you to give me a chance to try and fix this epic fuck up of mine. I want you to tell me if you even want to fucking let me fix this. I want you to talk to me about something, or anything for that matter!” he exclaims. He’s pacing the floor and gesturing wildly with his hands, and I can tell he’s incredibly worked up. He stops right in front of me and looks me dead in the eyes. 

“I just want you.”

His blue eyes, eyes that I know just as well as my own, are shining with sadness, desperation, longing…..and lust. He’s standing so close to me that I can feel his body heat, and he smells so fucking good, and goddammit, I can’t fucking BREATHE when he’s looking at me like that….

When I feel his lips press against mine, the moan that tumbles out of my throat would be downright embarrassing if I even gave a shit right now. His left hand cups my cheek gently but firmly, his right hand gripping my waist. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know that if we do this, it’s only going to complicate things more than they already are, but dear God his hands feel so fucking good on me, and it feels like it’s been so long.

“Oof.”

The breath gets knocked out of me momentarily as Chris backs us up to the dining room table and the edge digs into my back. 

“Sorry.” he mumbles, barely taking his lips away from mine to make the apology. His tongue sweeps into my mouth, touching against my own, and I moan into the kiss, arousal spiking in my tummy. Our hands work swiftly and diligently to get rid of the fabric that’s rudely separating us from blissful skin on skin contact. My heart is pounding in my chest and the feeling is so damn reminiscent of how flustered and excited and nervous I got when we first started sleeping together, when everything was new and exciting and we were still figuring out what made each other tick….and moan. 

I throw my head back in pleasure as Chris moves his lips from mine down my throat and neck, nipping and sucking at the delicate skin there, the feeling of his beard making my skin tingle. His hands find my full, firm breasts and he cups them gently, kneading the supple flesh and rubbing his thumbs over my nipples, making me squirm. 

“Fuck, Chris……” I moan, lost in all the sensations. 

“I know, baby. I know.” he groans, his voice low and husky, his accent thicker in his arousal. 

When he finally brings his fingers down to the apex of my thighs, I’m practically dripping for him. 

“Fuck, sweetheart. You’re so wet.” he whispers, his lips a mere breath away from mine as he drags two fingers through my wetness, making me jolt when he touches my clit with just the slightest touch. He spreads my wetness around a bit before sinking two long fingers deep inside of me, thrusting them slowly but firmly in and out of my pussy. His lips capture mine once more as he works his skilled fingers in and out of me, bringing me to the edge in an embarrassingly short amount of time. 

The pads of his fingers hit the spongy tissue of my G spot with the precision of a goddamn sniper while rubbing my clit with his thumb. When my orgasm crashes over me, Chris swallows my moans while gripping the shaft of his almost painfully hard cock to keep himself from coming; the sight of me falling apart under his touch almost more than he can take. 

“Tell me you want this. Tell me you want me. Please.” 

I respond by taking him in my hand and running my fingers up and down his length, giving him a few long drawn out strokes before guiding him into me. Despite the orgasm that Chris drew out of me with his fingers, it still makes me gasp when his cock starts pushing into me, my walls stretching to accommodate the thickness of him. I can tell he’s moving slow, taking his time to either savor it or keep from coming too fast, or both. But I’m not in the mood for gentle right now. 

“Chris.” 

He looks up at me and I lock eyes with him. 

“Fuck me.” 

Without a word, he hitches my right leg up so it’s resting over his hip and shoves the rest of his cock into me with one harsh thrust. I cry out at the sensation, but he doesn’t give me much time to dwell on it before he’s setting a punishing pace, his hips snapping back and forth. I hold onto him for dear life as his lips and teeth move over my neck, my chest, and my breasts, marking me as his and making sure that I remember this for at least a few days. 

I squeal as Chris suddenly grips the back of my thighs and lifts me onto the dining room table and places his hand on my sternum, silently urging me to lay back. 

“Legs up.” he says in a low voice. 

I bring my legs up so the bottom of my feet are resting right against his pecs, and he gives an experimental thrust into me, making me gasp out at the change in angle and position. 

“Yeah? Like that?” 

It’s all I can do to just nod as Chris fucks into me over and over again, leaving me panting and breathless and moaning like a whore. He looks down at the place where his hard length is disappearing inside of my pussy, his cock, pelvis, and thighs wet from my arousal, and groans. 

“Fuck, Chris….oh God, oh fuck…….” I moan out as I feel that familiar tightening in my belly. 

“You look so fucking beautiful taking my cock inside of you. So perfect. Come on, come all over me. I wanna feel your pussy strangle my fucking dick.” he groans out. 

The second that his thumb touches my clit, I’m done for. My back arches off of the table and I dig my nails into Chris’ arms as I come, screaming his name. I hear Chris grunt, and with two more deep thrusts, and with a broken cry, he reaches his end, filling me up with come. 

My eyes fly open when I feel Dodger jump up on the bed. Jesus Christ, when the hell did I fall asleep?! I look over and see that Chris is, thankfully, still asleep. After thoroughly defiling the dining room table, the party moved into the living room, the master bathroom, and then finally the bedroom. I squeeze my eyes shut and groan. 

Shame. Low down, dirty shame. I did not come here for this yesterday. This was the absolute last thing on my mind, and the last thing in the world I imagined would happen. Oh my God, we didn’t even use a condom. Not a single one. Jesus fucking Christ. God, I hope he used a condom when he fucked whoever it was that he fucked. I should probably get tested just to be sure. Goddamn it. 

It takes me a good ten minutes to find all of my clothes and once I’m dressed, I grab my purse and the dress and bag that I originally came for, and head towards the door. I bend down and scratch Dodger behind the ears for a few minutes, my heart breaking at the look on his face. 

“I miss you so much bubba. I love you, okay? I’ll come back and visit you soon, I promise.” I whisper to him. 

I make sure I have everything before setting the alarm and locking the door behind me, leaving Chris sleeping peacefully and undisturbed in our bed. 

[alvfr]

The Ex from Hell - Part 1

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]

This is what I wrote based on this prompt here and I liked it so much it spawned more parts, so I'm trying to collect them. I'd love to hear your thoughts if you take the time to read and feel free to reblog if you want <3

WIP: The Ex from Hell Excerpt rating: T Word count: 2.4k

The important thing to remember, was that I was not trying to summon a demon. The fact that I was not trying to summon a demon while performing a ritual to summon a demon definitely complicated things, but my life was nothing if not complicated. It should not have worked. I had skipped half the so-called essential equipment and preparations listed in the Book, slapped the sigil down in broad messy strokes using a broken makeup brush, and mumbled most of the incantations under my breath so low I barely heard it myself. It should not have worked.

And yet, the sigil — painted in bright millenial pink leftover from a DIY project — started to glow on the concrete floor. So far along, the ritual pulled out the rest of the incantations from my mouth, I could not have stopped now even if I tried, while a tension built everywhere in the room, including my body. It pushed and pulled in my chest, my throat, my sinuses, my skull, my eyes — growing and growing until I feared my whole head would pop right off my shoulders. It did not. With the anti-climax of a cut trip wire, the dam burst and the sigil flashed so bright I almost lost my vision and was left to stare blindly at the vaguely humanoid shape appearing in a vortex of smoke and shadows. The smell of burning filled the damp basement, mixing with the sickening odor of mold and rotten wood.

The thing, still concealed in the dark, spoke in a guttural tone; its language sounding as old and dead as the civilization it once stemmed from. Probably asking the standard question about which foolish mortal had dared summon them, yadda yadda yadda. Stars continued to dance before my eyes and I blinked several times in order to adjust to the dim light after all the poor LED-candles had gone out from the demon’s arrival.

“English, please,” I said and coughed from the thick smog that coiled into my throat. “And can you do something about that smoke before it sets off the carbon monoxide detector?”

To its credit, the smoke cleared in an instant while a way-too-familiar voice said in perfect modern-day English: “You have got to be kidding me.”

And as my eyes adjusted, I wished they had not. For standing in the circle atop the haphardouzly painted sigil, naked and perfectly sculpted like a mahogany statue, stood none other than my ex-husband. 

“Santiago?” I spat, out of breath and unable to put the appropriate amount of venom into his name. “What are youdoing here?”

Because it was him. Everything about him exactly as I remembered, apart from his eyes that glowed a dull red, like the reflection of a distant hellfire. Not even the finest shapeshifter or body double could manage such a perfect replica and especially not the expression of pure and utter contempt highlighted by the curl of his lip and the pull of his brows. 

“What am I doing here?” His voice, unheard for seven years now, cut its way through my ear canals like every vowel wielded a razor. Determined to carve out the path again after all this time. “I was summoned! An exclusive VIP-can’t-refuse-can’t deny invitation dragging me back to this horror show of a dimension. The real question is, what are youdoing here? And where,” he swept his muscular arm along the room with his suspicious glare trailing, “is the foolish mortal who dared summon me and will regret it to their dying day?”

“What did you just call me?” 

“I called you nothing!”

“Foolish mortal?” I repeated in a mocking deep voice, arms already crossed over my chest and hip cocked to the side. “Why do you talk like some kind of,” the realization slapped into my brain like a ruler over my fingers, taking the question mark out of my mouth as I whispered, “demon.”

Instead of the hard denial a part of me still hoped for, Santiago’s vivid attention returned to me and my skin grew prickly and cold. He tilted his head, like a grown hellhound burdened with behavior imprinted as a puppy, a habit always displayed when he was confused. “You summoned me?”

“No!” The word shot out before I could stop it and I gritted my teeth before amending it to: “Well, yes, but not on purpose.”

“You what then? Tripped over the paint bucket, swore in ancient Akkadian and accidentally performed a summoning ritual?” Santiago took a step forward, stopped and gave his surroundings another disdainful glance. His lip curled further into what could only be classified as a snarl. “Now what in the eight blazing hells is this?”

“Nothing.” I bit my teeth together, but was helpless at the sound of his impatient snort. “It’s just a circle.”

“A circle? This isn’t a circle, it’s a damned fun fair laser show.”

“It’s a circle, gods be damned! It just happens to be made up of LED-strips.” My defence raised immediately at the sight of his disbelieving face, the distant memories all too close in the blink of an eye. “You make do with what you have, all right?”

“Of course. A circle, made from whatever trash you happened to have lying around. What are you, some kind of,” his voice turned cold and changed its pitch before his last word, “witch.” He drew his hand over his mouth, each of his fingers ending in sharp black nails I had failed to notice before. “Oh, no.”

“Yeah, oh no. For once, I agree with you. “I barely looked up from where my finger trailed the handwritten lines of the Book. “Now shut up for a second.”

“What are you doing?”

“Trying to see if I accidentally used the Summon-A-Lying-Two-Timing-Scumbag spell instead of the Summon-A-Demon one! Not that they’re mutually exclusive, as demonstrated by your very presence.” I slapped the book shut, erupting a cloud of dust that made me cough. “I can’t believe you never told me you were a frickin’ demon, Santi!”

His voice sounded like a roaring waterfall just before the surface. “Just like you never told me you were a filthy, disgusting witch!” 

Witch. Witch witch witch witch witch.

“Because I’m not!” Again, the pressure in my chest made me chomp down on my own lip. “Or I wasn’t. Look, I used to be one, then I quit, and now I’m sort of back, but I don’t really want to be, okay?”

“Glad to see your remarkable eloquence has remained unchanged.” Santiago’s hooded eyes looked heavier than before, as if consumed with instant boredom in my presence. The familiarity wreaked havoc with my insides. “And you never cared to mention this during our three years of holy matrimony?”

“There was nothing holy about our marriage,” I snapped back, my knuckles turning white from clutching the Book in my hands. “Apart from the sex. Speaking of, could you use your demonic shenanigans and conjure some clothes?”

His voice smoothed as river water reaching the sea as his lean body tightened further. “Am I distracting you?”

“Yes,” I bit out, knowing myself defenceless from trying to subjugate the truth. For all the hardships our marriage had suffered, his physical appearance had not been part of it. “I honestly thought I’d never have to say this again, but cover up your damned dick, Santi.”

So familiar with the workings of his face, I recognized both when his mouth moved to stretch into a dangerous smile and when it stopped in puzzlement. The way the nostrils of his slightly hooked nose flared, the way his thick eyebrows twitched up — either struggling with the effort of conjuring the loose pants materializing on his lower body or with the effort of fighting it.

“What,” he growled, “in the eight hells is this?”

“I told you. It’s a circle.”

“You trapped me! Spellbound me! Oh, you dirty little sneaky witch, you really are all the same, aren’t you?”

“I sure as hell didn’t have plans to make any kind of pact, if that’s what you mean. And definitely not with you.” I forfeited his attention in favor of the Book, flipping through crinkled pages in fast succession. “Now can you shut up?”

“What are you looking for now, witch, in that little book of yours?” 

“A vanquishing spell. We need to get you out of here.”

A puff of smoke came out his nostrils. “Hmph. You went through all this trouble just to cast me aside again? Without telling me why I’m even here? For what purpose you summoned me?” Even while straining my eyes on the Book, Santiago’s glare sent shivers down my spine. “Which of the tedious reasons can it be? Humans are all the same, after all. My first guess would be money, but you are looking plumper and softer than ever before so that can’t be it. Sex?” A tantalizing tilt to both his jaw and tone. “Have you caught an itch you can’t scratch yourself these days? The trap blocks your scent, it’s hard to tell. It can’t be power, not when you managed to ensnare me with this circus rendition of a circle. So what does that leave?”

I did not look up — I had found the correct spell, at least I hoped so — but had to answer. “Protection.”

“Protection?” he repeated, all of a sudden so human-like it made my heart ache. “Protection from what?”

Before I could reply, a heavy knocking sounded from the basement door and a skeleton claw of fear grasped my heart harder than ever this night. “Have you quite finished, girl? Is the demon fully subdued?”

“Not yet, Grandaunt Hester,” I said and winced at the high infliction of my voice. I gave Santi a wide-eyed look, pleading with him to keep quiet until she went away. “Give me a little more time, please, Grandaunt Hester.”

A different voice came from the door now, reedier and harder. “We don’t have much time, child. Hurry.”

“I will.” 

Santiago made motion to speak, but I flapped my hand at him to make him wait until sure the old hags had gone back up the stairs. The way his jaw set and his eyes widened as he glared at me told me everything I needed to know and I bowed my head to escape that look, trying to decipher the Book’s writing instead. Despite my attempts, I caught the way he again surveyed the basement and the stack of boxes along the wall, each marked with a different name.

“We’re in your family home,” he whispered; not a question, saving me the trouble of coming up with an answer. “You hate your family. Would rather poke your eyeballs out than spend another minute in their presence. Or at least that’s what you told me.” Not a question either, did not beget an answer. “Was it a lie? What is going on?”

Damn. 

“No, it wasn’t a lie,” I said and avoided any and all of his attempts to look me in the eyes. It was never a lie. Could never be a lie. “It’s complicated, okay? Things have changed. I have changed. For what it’s worth, I wasn’t trying to summon you — or any other demon for that matter, but I had to at least make half of an attempt so I could tell Grandaunt Hester that I did and now we need to get you back before they come down here and sees you.”

“Oh, I see. You’re that kind of witch, are you?” Santi’s dull red eyes glinted in the shadows. “No wonder you were always such a bitch. Could not help yourself. I just have one question, disgraced queen of my heart.” I steeled myself for the inevitable, but Santi’s eyes seemed to have caught on something and he asked: “What is that half-dead succulent doing on my sigil?”

“Book said there had to be a living sacrifice.”

“Traditionally that would mean a little baby goat or a lamb. Maybe a rooster.”

“Okay, this is the twenty-first century, it’s not like you can just go out to the mall and get yourself a live goat or a frickin’ rooster in the middle of the day. Besides, you know I have allergies.”

“I do know that.” His head tilted as he watched me. “And so you used a succulent. I see no gifts or offerings, this sigil is half a brushstroke away from being inelligeble, not to mention in a most gaudish color, these candles run on batteries where half of them have already failed, and you stand there fully clothed when I know for a fact that every last penned summoning ritual begets complete and utter nudity. And yet,” he held up a clawed finger to still my protest about how damned cold it was down here, “it worked. Why?”

“You make do with what you have,” I repeated myself from earlier, as honest an answer as I could make it. “Now shut up, I need to concentrate.” I held the book aloft and started stumbling through the unfamiliar language, feeling the strings of my mind pulling the strings of the universe.

“Are you seriously going to vanquish me?” He sounded dreadfully bored. “Me? Dead rose of my garden, you know me. Let me out of the circle and we can talk.” The incantations flowed out my mouth, preventing me from answering his increasingly desperate questions. The shadows swirled, the sigil flared. “Stop it now, my broken-winged dove. What do you need protection from? Why do you need a demon? Do you need help? I can give you that, just stop talking and open this circle. Put down the book.” The further my words went, the stronger my voice grew and the basement filled with the opposite of the pressure from earlier. A vacuum, no less uncomfortable for that. “Put down that book and talk to me, hells be damned!” 

Incantation done, I put down the book just as he asked and watched the shadow vortex crawl up Santiago’s legs. “This was awful. Let’s never do it again.”

“You have changed,” Santiago snarled, sounding choked on the smoke expelled from the sigil. “Grown fat and strong, have you? Sober, even?”

“Painfully so. Now go to hell, Santiago.”

All the strings of the universe grew taut and rigid before everything shattered with the same anti-climatic pop from before. Only the sigil, painted in my favorite color, and the forlorn LED-strips remained in the basement. I closed the book and braced myself for facing my Grandaunt Hester, planning to give her nothing but the truth. 

Not the whole truth, but nothing but the truth. 

[misku-nimfa]

Okay, now that finished listening to the Audiobook, here's my review of Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros.

1-this book "cuts away the bullshit and the niceties, revealing whoever you are at your core.” to borrow Yarrow's own words. If explicit death and sex are deal breakers, this isn't the series for you. The vulgarity slices through to make the joy sharper and the anguish deeper.

2-I enjoyed the read for all that certain plot points and character arcs baffled me (more on that in the spoilers section).

3-May just be an app thing, but I want to warn just in case. The copy of the audiobook I was borrowing kept skipping over sex scenes like a prude. So I kept having to undownload and redownload the entire file over and over. Annoying as hell, but a file issue not a story issue.

4-I enjoyed both of the audiobook narrators immensely.

Spoilers below the cut.

Okay spoiler filled rambling

1) details seemed to keep getting changed on me. Like, I could have sworn that Violet started out emphasizing how nobody in the Rider's Quadrant was conscripted, but when Xadien brings up how it was part of his deal she is in awe of his selflessness. Except she also mentioned how she read everything in the execution roll, which should have included the conscription order?

Or the whole deal with Attos. He's her best friend who she always would find trees to go climb at each new place their parents got stationed, he goes against General Sorrengail's wishes to get Violet a way to the Scribe's Quadrant, they were always drawn to each other but the timing never worked out, he's ambitious enough to earn his place in command despite 2nd years almost never reaching the rank he did, he never reacted differently to whatever violet wore until he saw her in rider leathers. Yet he's also the character who can't bring himself to believe in Violet's capabilities, he values rules over Violet's life, he believes in Amber over Violet when Violet accuses Amber of trying to kill her, he fucks with his chances to advance to Wing Leader by his unprofessionalism towards Violet, and so on. Like, sure unreliable narrator and intentional shifts in his character could cover some of this. But damn I'm missing how the beats of the story are leading to these changes. I probably like the "dearest friend becomes fiercest enemy" plot more than most people but I need a clear through line to avoid losing myself in theorizing!

2-worldbuilding. Why the hell is anyone keeping the existence of Venin a secret??? If IRL reactionary politics is anything to go by, it would be easier to convince everyone to whole up behind the wards and defend said wards with their last breath if the general populace knew exactly what they were defending against. Full stop. Even movements like Riorson's would be ground to a hault by civilians lashing out against the threat to their safety. Speaking of Riorson, I get that some of it was emotions being illogical, but Violet knew Xaden was keeping secrets every step of the way. Why was she so determined that she couldn't trust him when that blew up in his face? Pissed he turned out to be a traitor and that her dragons were in on it? Reasonable. But she agreed with his reasoning and his actions once it was all laid out on the table then said her bit about "not trusting him with her heart". Except, when he was pulling his whole "you don't really know me" "you can't fall in love with me" spiels she slammed him down hard with assertions of her knowing the risks and making her own choices? And when the thing he warned her would happen does there's no acknowledgement of that??

Brenan??? I'm trying to allow the next book to have the space it needs to answer this. Because the reveal on the last God damned page is definitely the kind of cliff hanger that could ruin future installments if I don't keep it corralled. But damn it! It's hard!!!

3) I absolutely adored how Yarrows killed off her characters. Alongside the consistent death roll, cruel accidents, and unavoidable tragedy she always gave each new death weight. Gods Liam's end hurt! And right after Violet fell-I was willing to accept her dying and continuing the series from Xadien's POV! She pushed past her limits, saved the days, and there would have been something beautifully tragic if her own death that she had been warding off from Xadien, Barlow, Amber, and so many more came from her own hands instead. Yarrow is by far the author best at making loss satisfying to read that I've come across yet!

4) I adore how she write chronic pain. "Little does he know, I'm almost always in pain. It's pretty much my comfort zone." "I love the days when my body cooperates." and "doing my best to mentally block the pain like I have countless times before. It's usually as easy as building a mental wall around the pulsing torment in my body, then telling myself the pain only exists in that box so I can't feel it, but it isn't working so well this time." Are all such moods each time I had to pause just to squee.

5) The way queer rep was just made the constant background buzz had me grinning ear to ear (yes I am rooting for Rhiannon and Tara to work it out but Rhiannon/Happiness is the true OTP here)

I am definitely going to keep up with this author! ^.^

[frogsare-friends]

I'm Not Built for Helping Myself

chapter index | chapter 4 (you are here)

- JEREMIAH -

I wake up to Laurel yelling at us.

"I told you guys! You cannot be in the same room together, let alone the same bed, with the door closed! What the hell are you guys doing?"

"Laurel, I'm sorry. It's my fault, really." I look between her and Belly. I know things between them have been getting better recently, but I also know it's still tense, still hard for Belly to forgive her.

"Yeah, I figured-" Laurel mutters, getting cut off by Belly.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" she screams back at her. Tense it is, then.

"You know what I mean."

"No, I don't, actually. Do tell, the floor is all yours." I haven't heard her this mad at her mom since their fight last summer. I feel terrible that it's because of me.

"It's fine Bells, it doesn't matter," I try to tell Belly, because really, it is fine. I'm fine. It's not like Laurel was lying, and she's made it extremely clear over the years how she feels about my dating history.

"It does matter, Jere," she tries to tell me. But I just shake my head.

"I'm gonna go shower, yeah? I'm all sweaty and gross." I look for Belly to say something, anything, or even give a nod of approval. But, she doesn't. She just keeps glaring at Laurel.

I leave the room. I love Belly, and I understand having a complicated relationship with your parents, but I can't take any more fighting. Between her and Laurel, Conrad and Dad, and Steven and Taylor, my head might implode.

"That was fucked," Conrad tentatively said, stepping out of his room, "She shouldn't have said that."

"She's not the only one who thinks it." I'm not sure what makes me say it, but it was bitchy of me to say. It's the truth, though. It might have been a low blow, but so was him calling me a slut. I wonder if he even remembers that.

~~~~~

It was last summer, during the fourth. I tried to talk to him about Belly, to apologize. I had been there all week, trying to help him unpack everything. We had three more days until the Conklins arrived, and I needed to see where he was. I didn't wanna be all couple-y in front of him, I knew how much that hurts. We had gotten drunk at the beach, sitting in silence.

"I'm sorry… about everything that happened with Belly. It was fucked up. I didn't want to hurt you, and I know I did, and that this really doesn't fix anything, but I'm sorry. I know how much that shit hurts."

"You don't though," he says, looking straight ahead and more mad than I've ever seen him. "You and Belly hooked up, Jere. You guys aren't serious like me and her were."

And shit, that hurt. But I knew he was mad, that he didn't mean what he was saying.

"It was real for me. I've had feelings for her since we were kids, Conrad," I don't want to fight with him, but I need him to know it wasn't some dumb grudge. She didn't kill my ego, she broke my heart.

"Really? Doesn't seem that way." And fuck, he's always known how to get under my skin.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You never take shit seriously, Jere. Excuse me if I don't believe you changed just for Belly."

"I take things seriously," because what does he think this is? What does he think we are? Why does he think I'm some kid when I haven't been one in a while.

"Not really, you're pretty much just a slut, man." And he sounds so calm, even if the rational part of my brain knows he isn't.

"Fuck you, Conrad. At least I didn't string a girl along her whole life, and another one for a whole summer," I say, storming off. I shouldn't have said that. I always was too good at playing the victim for stuff that's my own fault.

~~~~~

"Dad's coming a few days earlier, he just called me." He almost looks like he's in pain, he never knew how to talk to people. Not like I do. On him, it's charming. I wish it could be that for me too.

"Cool, what day?" I try to sound excited but I don't think I quite manage it, at least not well enough.

"Tomorrow," he blurts out. I've never heard his voice sound quite like that.

"Oh. Yeah, alright," I tell him. It always sucks, seeing our dad, but I don't hate him like Con does. I wish I could.

"He's bringing Angie." And there it is, the thing he's been wanting to say during this whole conversation.

"What the fuck." I've never heard Laurel say fuck before, and as mad as I've heard her be at my dad, I've never heard her sound hurt by him. Hurt for my mom, hurt for Conrad, hurt for me, even.

[nejackdaw]

Coming right back at ya for the ask game 👀

How about 🪐(name 3 good things going on rn), 📚 (last thing in your notes app), and 🍦(three good things about a character you hate - I love asking this one whoopsies)

💞💞💞🌹🌹🌹 ty!!!! This got long so I'm adding a cut lol

Hmmm, three good things. Well, I'm almost done with The Color of Revenge, which is a recently (in English) released followup to the Inkheart trilogy!!!! My parents gave me the set back when I was, like, SEVEN (it was written for an older audience, but I was at a high school reading level so most of my books were) and Inkspell and Inkdeath were INCREDIBLY formative to me. I'm 23 and it's still my favorite book series. I reread it last Nov/Dec and I have been WAITING for TCOR to be translated to English. I'm almost done with it! I've never read it before but it still feels like coming home :) I've also started watching Vox Machina (the show, not the campaign version) and ouagh. Forgot Taliesin never misses with the characters. Idr the last time I wanted to binge a show but I watched all of S1 in like three days. AND as a third thing I've made a ton of progress on the baton display!!! For someone who wasn't a crafts guy beforehand I've been loving the whole ordeal

Last thing in my notes app 🤔 it's either some half incomprehensible reminder or like. A wip idea lemme go check hang on. APSNOANSOANS OKAY SO ACTUALLY IT WAS A THOUGHT I HAD THAT I WANTED TO SHARE WITH MY ROOMIE BUT THEY SAID THEY WANNA WATCH VM TOO SO I CAN'T SPOIL PERCY'S BACKSTORY TO MAKE THE OBSERVATION. IT'S KINDA KILLING ME CAUSE IT'S A GOOD ONE. (Head in my hands) They gotta watch VM bro I gotta tell them

Three good things about a character I hate 🤔 okay NEVERMIND I had an ENTIRE response drafted about "idk if I even hate any characters" but

YOU

Okay so obviously I lost the plot a little editing the meme I kinda forgot what I was making it for it's FINE. I haven't played Doom in forever man. Fucking. Hayden. Don't even ask me about his lore from Doom Eternal the only thing I remember from watching Jack play it is that I fucking Pavloved myself and now whenever I eat pizza rolls I wanna watch Doom. Three good things about Hayden, who I barely remember aside from the fact he's a little bastard 🤔 mad scientist is one of my favorite genres of guy, so like. He's got me there. There's so much wrong with him I want to study him. I want to shrink him and shake him violently in a jar. Iirc him and his research are the ENTIRE reason the game happened. Like I think it's touched on more in the sequel but I watched Jacksepticeye play it in I think the Covid year so like. Idr. Like what the hell, man. Kinda obsessed with the way he stands by his work and his research. He's surrounded by blood and corpses and humanity itself is at risk of being wiped out and he's like "okay, but hear me out--"

A second thing would have to be the like. Man idek how to describe the weird fucking relationship he has with the Doom Guy in 2016. Basically you're a rat in his maze and he's doing simultaneously beneficial to you + iirc bad for you beneficial to him experiments (argent energy suit upgrades) but ALSO you have to do what he fucking wants for the most part, and your interests are BARELY aligned. Like you guys want the same person dead is about where it starts and ends. I just. I'm fucking chewing on it. I spent the entire office visit cutscene thing judging his office decor and trying to shoot him (I could not fire the gun.)

The third thing would have to be the actual fact that I dislike him so bad. Usually I might not like a character, but like. The fucking "YOU" reaction I immediately had when I remembered he exists isn't something I get for any other ones. Like I took his little self serving bastardism PERSONALLY. ESPECIALLY at the end of the game. I literally watched Jack play Eternal because I wanted to know if we got to kill Hayden. Like. Points for getting me to feel so strongly negative about him. I wish he was still flesh and blood so I could wrap my hands around his neck and squeeze ya know. Fucking Griffin style

[alexan-fr]

i am glad and proud that i will never relate to any of these 'first love', 'still love my ex', or 'almost but never' theories. isa ako sa mga katunayan that these bullshits are not true.

one of the things i like about me is i can easily move on from something and someone. at first, of course, i will lose my mind about it— i would cry my heart out, starve myself to death, isolate myself, cut my hair short, disappear, drown myself with my thoughts, focus on my studies and hobbies, and will not communicate to anyone. that's how i cope, that's how i survive a heartbreak.

we all have our own coping mechanism. some people block their exes, some drink and party at the bar, some hit the gym, and THAT'S TOTALLY FINE AND VALID. it must be respected.

i let it hurt until it hurts no more— i accept. give me at least days or weeks to mourn, but it will never take me years to move on. and when that right time comes, there's no way i'm returning. once it's over, i'm never going back. you will never see me long and wish for a second chance.

i also make sure to contemplate and look back at my past mistakes, what i did wrong to my past partner, and will definitely remove them from my whole being and change them with all my strength kahit sobrang hirap. that's how i am addicted to self-improvement and growth. i want to be better and stronger for myself, my family, friends, and my next partner.

yes, i may have thought about my past relationships from time to time, but i can no longer feel the love and affection towards them. yung hindi ka na napapatanong ng 'what ifs' at hindi ka na rin nasasaktan. parang wala na lang— and it's one of the most peaceful moments ever.

i don't care if there's already a first, second, or whatever love in my life. i'll make sure that i no longer have feelings for my last partner and that i've already moved on from our past relationship before i start dating again.

i could never hurt the person i love right now like that and i will give him my WHOLE heart and attention. i'd rather not date at all if ever i still have feelings for my ex than deceive him. be fair to yourself as well, be freed from the past.

why would you risk your current bf/gf who could be your potential lifetime partner just because you still love your ex? he's/she's in the past for a reason. MOVE FORWARD! please, there's nothing you could do about it. he/she doesn't love you and even care about you anymore.

easier said than done? HELL, NO! the time will come when you'll get so exhausted of thinking and waiting for them to come back, and nothing will happen. save your time, tears, and effort, and stop wasting them. he's/she's not worthy and is not deserving of any of those from you. if he/she wanted you to be part of his/her life again, sana matagal na niyang ginawa.

kaya build yourself up and focus on your own growth and happiness. invest your energy in things and people that truly value and appreciate you. in the end, you'll realize that you deserve someone who shows up for you without hesitation, not someone you have to wait around for. and vice versa, your current partner deserves all your love and time without making them doubt or question your feelings towards them.

love yourself enough to walk away from what doesn't serve you and open yourself to better opportunities and relationships ♡

xoxo

ps. good morning? i couldn't sleep. it's supposed to be our major exam today pero thank God walang pasok. mas inuna kong makipag date kaysa mag review sksksks

[smiles-advice]

(TLDR: I need advice getting over a heartbreak that I feel like is entirely my own fault)

Hi, I need some advice but there's no one really I can talk to about this, so is it okay if I ask you?

Almost a year ago now I (20f) had a really bad fight with my best friend and it ended up with me kicking her out of my house and later blocking her. (I handled it badly at the time)

For context I'm really sick/ disabled and out of nowhere she started telling me that it was all in my head and I just wasn't trying hard and all sorts of stuff like that. It was awful but In hindsight I really don't think she understood why what she was saying was as hurtful as it was.. I don't think she really knew what she was doing.

There's a bunch of other context that isn't worth getting into but long story short she was really ableist to me and I couldn't deal with it and got mad and overreacted (I actually ended up calling my dad and he got mad at her too..). It was messy and painful. That's all been and gone now.

The problem is that I did and still do love her and it hasn't gone away in all that time.

In my head I know that she was awful to me about my chronic pain and fatigue and stuff and I know she didn't like me using a wheelchair despite it giving me my life back and there's a whole host of other things. But I can't reconcile that with how she's still my favourite person I've ever met and everything that makes me happy reminds me of her. I could tell you a million things that make her a good person.

It's especially difficult because she's still the person I want to go to for support??? Like so much of what I'm going through with my health right now is so scary and I wish I could talk to her about it.

I tried reaching out to her a couple of months ago to apologise for kicking her out and upsetting her. Like, despite my feelings about how she treated me I genuinely never wanted to hurt her and I regret it more than pretty much anything in my life????

But that went badly. She made it seem like she didn't think she'd done anything wrong (i.e the whole ableism stuff) and I ended up blocking her again. Not exactly my finest moment. I really  messed up 100% would have been better for both of us if I hadn't tried reaching out. No chance in hell of me fixing stuff after that.

But now I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I ruined our friendship over nothing. The pain of not having her in my life is so much worse than anything she said that hurt me. I feel like such an awful person for hurting her, but there's literally nothing I can do to fix that now. I just feel completely heartbroken but since I never told her I loved her it doesn't feel fair to call it a heartbreak. I just feel like I made such a massive mistake.

I don't know if you're able to give me any advice to get over this/ her. (I've thought over what I could have done differently about 5000 times) But I just really needed to ask someone. Idk I just feel like I'm a terrible person rn lol

(I'm really sorry about how vent-y this is as well)

Hello lovey!

First off, I'm so very sorry for how long it's taken me to respond, my heads been a mess, I've been in a manic episode, I'm getting back. Sorry.

Now, all of this advice is just my personal opinion. Take it or leave it.

Personally, I think you're in the right here. I think cutting people off is never easy, especially when they are so close to you, but I think you did well. Blocking them, not engaging, that's the right move. You don't need someone in your life who invalidates you and your health like that.

I personally wouldn't have reached out to them at all, but I can see why you did.

It's gonna be hard to move on. They were important to you, they played a part in your life, and you can't just forget that. It's important to remember that they weren't a good friend to you, that you're better off without them. Just keep reminding yourself of that.

Also, don't apologise for venting. I don't mind!

Hope I've helped, sorry again,

lots of love 💕