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mandareeboo · 4 years ago

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SU Music Rankings

Bc I can and I wanna start some Disk Horse rip. These are all in order of preference, with explanations, etc. It’s a long bitch. That said, I’m not counting little short jingles or small joke songs like Little Butler. This is the meat and potatoes of SU music- just under 30 songs. I might do the rest if people like my takes lol.

I scored it mostly on three bases- how dear it was to my heart, how much/often I relisten to it, and also what it means to the plot. That said, little fun songs don’t automatically go farther down than big, plot-heavy songs either! It’s a strange little balance.

Special Note: I don’t dislike any of this music! I love SU and that includes its bumps and glitches. I just pick favorite children lol.

1.) Change

Was there ever a more Steven moment than when he wiped the blood off his face and kissed it into sparkles? I think not.

If “Be Wherever You Are” is an ode to young Steven, then this is teen Steven’s. Talking about change, and how much and how little it can do. How he holds his arms up for Spinel to hug him, so trusting. How he seems able to just. Break into soft tears at will, and not to be manipulative- it’s just his kind nature. The warmth in his voice. Fuck yesssss.

2.) Change Your Mind

This song is only fifty five seconds and it’s EVERYTHING to me. It really felt like someone was speaking the words I’d always held deep inside of me, unsure of how to say. It feels like a goodbye to someone who never really loved me.

As much as I enjoyed Future, if this was the finale of SU, I would’ve been perfectly okay with that.

3.) Drift Away

This song gave me legitimate shivers the first time I heard it, and it still haunts me to this day. Spinel stayed, and waited, and all she got was a transmission thousands of years later. Fuck.

4.) Here We Are In The Future

THE MOVIE IS SU AS ITS BEST AND I WON’T BE SWAYED ON IT. Steven being a teen who loves his weird family but is growing just a bit sarcastic to their drama. The adorable love he and Connie share. His slow realization that he will always be working, always have things to do, is both somber and real. The Crystal Gems won’t be safe with one epic battle. They’ll be safe with years of hard work and love. HIS LITTLE HANDSHAKE WITH AMETHYST.

This is a helluva bop and a great way to summarize the main character’s backstories.

5.) Let’s Only Think About Love

Did ya’ll know that Zach Callison killed his throat with that last note? He gave his all for this performance in a vocal range he no longer comfortably do and by god did it SHINE. The FLAIR. The FORESHADOWING. All of the Gems all being awkward about Rose and Steven trying to bring them to the present. Peridot having a mini-existential crisis in a cute yellow dress. I love Zach Callison’s normal singing voice but man is that a fucking bop. Nothing will ever beat it.

6.) Here Comes A Thought

This bad boy helped me out a LOT with some mental issues I was dealing with in high school. I was unmedicated, unsupervised, and full of anxiety. I’d have break downs when I tried to speak about certain things. I couldn’t function. This song inspired me. It helped me feel okay with my intrusive thoughts.

And the episode! -chef’s kiss-. Once again bringing up the morally gray area of training child soldiers. Connie expanding her social group. Steven’s trauma hauling ass in that second half. The ANIMATION. Stevonnie’s gorgeous singing voice. GOD yes.

7.) It’s Over Isn’t It?

Just barely squeaking above Stronger Than You, this ballad is everything gorgeous. The whole episode is. I think Mr. Greg stands in the top five of my episodes for the entire show. It even got nominated!

There’s just so much about this song that I love. The gentle melancholy of Pearl’s voice. How the crew had to redo the shots for this bit bc Deedee went so fucking hard. The hard cuts between Pearl, remembering the love of her life, and Steven, who has begun to feel like he took her away. I’d recommend this song to anyone, regardless of what they do or don’t know about SU, simply bc it tugs so many heartstrings of love, loss, and responsibility.

8.) Stronger Than You

Did you realize this episode aired SEVEN years ago? This bitch was what got me into SU! Hearing about Ruby and Sapphire made my little gay heart so happy inside, and then getting a whole song confirming that they were a couple, that their love powered the strongest Gem on the team? Aaaaaaaaa

To this DAY I get excited when I hear Estelle start singing. This song is timeless. This song will live in media history. God I fucking love this song.

9.) Other Friends

I’m not the biggest musical person, so I hadn’t heard of Sarah Stiles before her casting as Spinel, but JESUS CHRIST the lady went hard. She went SO fucking hard. Sarah Stiles started on 100 and somehow just kept CLIMBING. You can just hear the sheer manic energy building in her voice, the anger and resentment. 10/10 Sarah Stiles is a queen.

10.) Independent Together

This made the list entirely bc the crew was like “you’re gonna get a himbo ass Steven-Greg fusion singing with Opal while Garnet flies across the moon on Lion while floating” and I am forever thankful to them for it

11.) Who We Are

Bismuth deserved more songs. ‘Nuff said.

12.) Peace and Love (On the Planet Earth)

It Could’ve been Great is EASILY one of my favorite s2 episodes. I love the entire concept of this song. Of Steven making music to reflect how much Earth means to him and his family. Of him teaching Peridot some self-care. Also Peridot’s singing voice is really cute and squeaky.

I know it’s silly, but I would’ve really enjoyed a flip around of this in Future! Like Peridot reminding Steven how much he loves music, that he needs to take time to relax for himself, maybe with a new verse or just a remix of the original song!

13.) Something Entirely New

I watched this episode as it aired, and I legitimately almost cried. I love Charlyne Yi’s voice so much ya’ll- her raspy, not perfect singing voice against Sapphire’s deep soothing lull is great.

And to have Ruby and Sapphire’s meeting be the way it was- for Ruby to bemoan Sapphire losing Homeworld, to being stuck with a single Ruby, while Sapphire is a noble who has always been taught everyone in her “caste” is vitally important (and has, in her own mind, taken that to mean every Gem, as she should) and how they come together and make each other happy. Good shit good shit.

14.) I’m Just a Comet

The fact that Greg’s music career never really blasted off pisses me off to this day bc Tom Scharpling’s voice is fucking BUTTER. Also the song really feels like a jab at his parents now that we know the kind of dynamic he had growing up. “This life in the stars if all I’ve ever known” is definitely him wiping away their existence after reminding them (and himself) the things they used to say about him.

15.) Do It For Her

This episode. This fucking episode. This episode got me permanently hooked on SU. I’d just binged season 1 and was kinda meh about it overall after the bop of Stronger Than You. “Oh,” I thought to myself, foolishly, “I’ll probably just casually watch this from time to time.”

Like three days later Sworn to the Sword aired and that was it. I was hooked! Pearl’s gentle training song turning darker and darker, Connie’s accompaniment from nervous to determined to fully into such a toxic mindset. The fact that SU had the BALLS to discuss the repercussions of training child soldiers, now and later. This episode was everything to me, STILL is everything to me.

Six years and well over 100 fanfics written later, I think it’s safe to say this show swallowed me whole and never let go.

16.) System/Boot.pearl_final(3)

I debated putting this on the list because it’s not anything crazy important, just a way to show things are Wrong, but I had to do it entirely bc Pearl is so damn SALTY.

Like telling us about the Gems makes sense, she felt like she was given a duty, but she went so damn petty. WHY is that Ruby alone. Gross. This Amethyst is a trash dump. Wtf are you people.

17.) Full Disclosure

This episode really feels like a turning point for SU. Before, the show had its dark moments- but now we’re in the thick of it, and it’s not going away. Full Disclosure felt like an rebuff to the idea of returning to any normal we’d established in season 1. Gems are actually a giant species now. Gems tried to kill us now. There’s this Yellow Diamond bitch who got namedropped. Something about a Cluster.

The song itself is BALLER, with its ingenious use of Steven’s ringtone and photos as he tries to decide whether to clue in Connie on all this nonsense. Meanwhile we, the audience, already know damn well Connie about to yeet some common sense into him.

18.) What’s the Use of Feeling Blue?

I’mma admit it- I’m a Yellow Diamond stan. I’ve always loved her- her anger, her poise, her hardworking nature. I actively argued against the “Yellow Shattered Pink” theories back in the day. But, man, when this arc leaked? I got so overexcited I was too jittery to watch it for like two days. It’s easily my favorite arc of the series. The sheer alien nature of the zoo, the Famethyst, and absolutely Patti Lupone’s beautiful ballad. Goddamn. Yellow singing to Blue to try and help her regain her old status, the warble in her voice as she reminds Blue she misses Pink too, the movement of the bubbles as she talks about attack. It gives me shivers to this day. FUCK.

19.) Tower of Mistakes

This is, fun fact, that only SU song I have completely memorized. The story itself is kinda funny! See, we lost internet at my house for a solid 5 to 6 months when these episodes aired, so I only got a very brief window to view them all. But this was the first Amethyst song in a long while, and I didn’t want to forget it! So I keep replaying it in my head for ages. And that’s still definitely a thing.

Anyway will never not be sad that this entire song was about making it up to Garnet for Amethyst’s perceived slights with Sugilite (which was a two-way road), only for Garnet to pressure her into fusion later when pissed and never discuss it again bc Garnet probably never thought twice about it and Amethyst has the emotional openness of a clam that’s just been told its ugly. Helluva way to make someone feel like shit, G. Helluva way to bottle that shit, Ames.

20.) On the Run

I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Amethyst! Needed! More! Songs!

The dichotomy between Steven’s play and Amethyst’s honest desire to run away from home is so well-done, especially when you consider a lot of Steven and Amethyst’s actions are playing together. The song is also near and dear to me simply bc it’s my favorite Amethyst episode to exist (well, maybe second to What’s Your Problem, but not by much). Moments like these are all the proof I need that they were right to fuse first.

21.) Be Wherever You Are

This tune really just feels like an ode to who Steven was as a kid. Trapped on an island with no way home, and he’s just happy to be with his friends. The stars are beautiful and not oppressive. Also that one animatic with Lars and the Off Colors playing in the Homeworld Kindergarten to this music was iconic and made this song get stuck in my head for a solid month.

22.) Familiar

I ADORE how the crew use bright neon colors to show how alien Homeworld can be. And Steven recognizing that the Diamonds treat him how the CGs used to, and how prepared he is to “fix” a broken family. It’s a soft, gentle tune about melancholy. Also the Pebbles are beautiful.

23.) Let Me Drive My Van Into Your Heart

Such a cute little love ballad, but every time I listen to it now I just imagine the heart attack Rose must’ve had at the line “And if we look out of place/Well, baby, that's okay/I'll drive us into outer space.” like there’s a Vietnam war flashback if I ever heard one

24.) What Can I Do?

I’m kind of neutral on this one? Rose and Greg both have great voices, but the song itself lacks many lyrics. I think it was definitely a good way to show Rose’s flaws in thinking.

Also, I’m shocked they managed cram that much vaguely sexual innuendo into two minutes, followed by how Not Hetereo that dance between Rose and Pearl was, and not get their asses chewed by it. You go guys.

25.) Cookie Cat

I love a lot of the vibes this song has. The lyrics are so damn prophetic, but they also sound like the kind of weird 90s commercials I grew up on. It’s been like two decades since I saw the Shirley Temple commercial but I’ll be damned if I don’t remember “Animals crackers in my soup! Monkey and rabbits loop-de-loop.”

26.) Giant Woman

I am. NOT the biggest fan of Steven’s original singing voice. I feel bad saying that, since it was just Zach Callison as a kid, but he never jived well with me for some reason. So I wouldn’t listen to this on the fly.

The song itself is still really good though, with all sorts of fun animation of Amethyst and Pearl being bitchy to each other. It’s a bit sad in hindsight to see tiny Steven trying to get his moms to get along. Ahh, season 1.

27.) Strong in the Real Way

This song has SUCH a strong start. Pearl reflecting on Sugilite’s problems, but the show making sure to show us that Pearl’s lack of enthusiasm towards her also lends itself to jealousy as well as just general malaise. How much she cares about Steven, and wants him to grow up strong.

And then Steven just kinda. Ruins it? I appreciate his enthusiasm for tryna bulk up but to take what was starting as such a rich, personal song and broadcasting it to random strangers just makes me a bit sad. Almost a bit angry on her behalf?

28.) That Distant Shore

I KNOW this is gonna create some discourse, but I’m just not the biggest Lapis stan. I love her voice. I love the visuals of the song. And I get why she felt afraid and needed to flee.

But Lapis never got to take responsibility for her own actions. And, in the end, the song feels hollow to me- because we all know she’ll never talk to anyone about it, know she’ll burst back in and destroy the barn, and no one will ever question it. I like Lapis a lot, but I feel like her arc never was fully finished. She never got help. She never learned to feel safe.

29.) Dear Old Dad

I’ve yet to meet a single human being who likes this episode tbh. There’s some great discussion about what kind of parent Greg is from it, and what kind of dynamic he has with the Gems that he felt he had to fake an injury to hang out with his son. Honestly the first half was fine and dandy. It’s just that then they Greg just went out of his way to drag Steven away from missions and such. It never jived well with his character before or after.

Also, is it just me, or does Zach himself sound like he hates the song as he sings it? There’s no passion or heart in his voice. It sounds like they told him to read off cue cards and he did. Tom Scharpling’s best attempts didn’t save this one for being a skipper. But the episode, unfortunately, isn’t, so it gets a spot on here.

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awda · 3 years ago

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Twelve days of Tarot messsges for the zodiacs - Day nine Sagittarius ♐️

@ hellokittymexico instagram

DAY TEN CAPRICORN WILL BE POSTED THIS EVENING EST

Hiii Muerte babys 🥰🥰💘

For this series, it will be a collective read, meaning if this doesn’t resonate with you and you happen to be an Sagittarius Sun, Moon or Rising, that means this message is simply not for you. If you’d like a more accurate read to fit your situation, you have the opportunity to book with me here.

There are three piles for you to choose from. All are for anyone whom is an Sagittarius Sun, Sagittarius Moon, or Sagittarius Rising.

—

PILE ONE

The Star, King of Pentacles, Knight of Swords, Ace of Swords, 6 of Pentacles - Situation

10 of Cups, 5 of Pentacles, The High Priestess - Advice

Hi pile one chooser(s),

So currently I see you’ve been manifesting abundance? And you haven’t been receiving this manifestation as fast as you want it to come, I see you’ve been doing everything nice as possible, returning positive energy back to people, trying to seem like the best person in the world in order to get your manifestation. You really want this abundance flow, because you are attempting to starting something new that requires this level of abundance.

Okay first off this is just my advice + Tarot’s too, but basically the same idea. You need to stop WANTING this manifestation, and start believing and putting yourself out there in order to receive abundance. Money doesn’t just come out the sky. You’re the only one who can promise yourself you will never be broke, or be in need for abundance. So let go of this thought that this abundance will just magically “flow” in without actually putting work into anything in order to open a door for the money to be able to flow in.

Ask stop focusing so much on materialistic things, don’t be a zombie, enjoy your life for what it is, is okay to dream and desire for more, but don’t let it become a obsession.

Be happy in your present moment.

Listen to your intuition as well, think to yourself, what do you not have already that this opportunity you’re desiring requires? You have everything within you.

PILE TWO

The Hierophant, 6 of Swords, 6 of Wands - Situation

Ace of Pentacles - Advice

Hi pile two chooser(s),

Are you a Sagittarius Sun? Literally shuffle pulled 6 of swords, before I can finish saying Sagittarius Sun, then reshuffled got 6 of swords again 🤣

Anyways I see you’ve moved on from I feel, toxic standards? Like toxic social standards? The standards the public hold society up to. You’ve moved on from that, and you’re now embracing yourself, treating yourself better, and just going onto a new beginning.

As for extra advice, Tarot says your future is in your hands 🤲🏼🔮☺️

Always remember that. You are your own reality. You are the writer of your story. Also you will be receiving a reward from the Universe, or whomever you believe in, for moving on successfully from the past. This could be a new abundance opportunity, something that will come quick and won’t last long, so make sure to act on it quick when it arrives 😉

PILE THREE

10 of Swords, The Tower, 7 of Wands - Situation

The Star, King of Pentacles - 2nd Card Pull

Queen of Cups, 8 of Cups, 2 of Pentacles, 4 of Swords - Advice

Hi pile three chooser(s),

Wow okay…

So I see a ending of something stressful, that caused lots of chaos in your life.

I feel like you overworked yourself way too much, on one of your manifestations, you pushed yourself too much. (ARE YOU FROM PILE ONE BYE😭 CAUSE WHY DID I PULL THE SAME EXACT CARDS)

Money isn’t everything. I say this because The Tower & King of Pentacles are literally in the same pile.

As for advice, Tarot suggests you should be more emotionally mature, and realize not everything you desire, is good for you. Release that mindset of “Money fixes everything!!!”. Also work on balancing your work effort, working your best is a good thing, but never overwork yourself. You deserve rest. Breaks are mandatory, essential. You need breaks once in a while because overworking yourself leads to burn out and burn out leads to stop working completely.

—

My apologies for this post coming out so late!

Thanks for reading, Sag bbies ♐️💗

#astrology #spiritualjourney #spirituality #sagittarius #sagittarius sun #sagittarius moon #sagittarius rising #sagittarius ascendant #tarotdaily #tarot readers of tumblr #tarot reading #tarotcommunity

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norahastuff · 4 years ago

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3x03 - Bad day at Black Rock

I’m hard pressed to think of a Ben Edlund episode I don’t adore but this one is definitely a gem. Perfect balance of humour, pathos and just straight up absurdity. I mean the one liners alone in this one:

“I lost my shoe.”

“Don’t play with my Jesus.”

“I’m amazing. I’m Batman!”

“Oh don't go away angry, just go away.”

I’m particularly partial to how the religious hunter Gordon sent after Sam, who has Jesus paintings and memorabilia all over his RV, starts to believe the lord is guiding him onto the right path when really it’s just bad luck resulting from losing a cursed rabbit’s foot. It’s especially interesting in light of season 4 where everyone’s running around thinking this is all God’s will, when really God wasn’t saying anything to anyone, but the blind faith that he commanded allowed the angels to get away with the things that they did.

I know it’s not foreshadowing or anything, there were no plans to introduce heaven/angels/God at this point, but it’s clear that many of the writers, Edlund included, were always thinking about the concepts of God and faith and role they played in people’s lives and mindsets. Come on his exact words were “as it turns out ... I'm on a mission from God,” as well as “It's God, Creedy. He led us here for one reason. To do His work. This ... is destiny.”

This is also the episode where Bela is introduced, and damn do I love that woman. She’s just such an interesting character (even though I’ll always wish we got to see more of her and who she was underneath the polished in control image she showed the world.) I especially love how she challenges the so-called nobility of hunting. Sure it’s saving people, hunting things, but for most hunters, especially earlier in the series, the saving people thing was more of a by product than the ultimate goal.

Bela’s a really great counter to Dean in that regard because she can read him, they’re similar in some ways, and she can see when he’s projecting, particularly when it comes to the John Winchester of it all. Dean’s emotional arc in this season centres around his low self esteem, how he doesn’t believe he deserves to be saved, and as long as he’s done his job, which is to protect Sammy, that’s all that matters.

Later in the season, he realises maybe that doesn’t have to be true. I mean of course all his self worth issues aren’t magically solved, and in fact the whole “You don’t think you deserved to be saved?” thing gets worse after his guilt over the things he did in hell, so much so that it breaks Cas out of his righteous stoicism when he gets a glimpse at who Dean really is for the first time(more on that here if you’re interested) but Dean does have a moment when he believes he could want more from his life. More than what his father “the obsessed bastard” had let him believe he could have.

Interesting then to see how Bela described hunters in her first appearance:

Being a Hunter is so much more noble? A bunch of obsessed, revenge-driven sociopaths trying to save a world that can't be saved?

I mean she’s right about the obsessed, revenge driven sociopath part anyway, even Dean recognises that, though he can’t admit it to himself just yet. He’ll come face to face with himself soon enough and realise just how toxic John’s mindset was.

Oh and while we’re on the topic of Dream a little Dream of Me, and Dean seeing himself as “daddy’s blunt little instrument” and how he believed his father saw him as just a soldier whereas “Sam he doted on. Sam, he loved,” that little moment in John’s storage locker is particularly poignant.

As they’re inspecting the contents of the locker, Dean finds a trophy. Turns out it’s Sam’s, a soccer trophy he won as a boy, and Sam’s surprised and touched that John kept it for all these years. Don’t worry though, John didn’t forget about Dean, as they look around at the next shelf Dean realises John has kept something he was proud of Dean for too

“Oh, wow! It's my first sawed-off. I made it myself. Sixth grade,” he says as he pumps the shotgun.

Daddy’s blunt little instrument huh? Oh Dean...

#spn rewatch #3x03 #my spn thoughts #spn #bela talbot #dean r.m.h.f. winchester #spn meta

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freakie-deakie · 4 years ago

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Lucas // How To: Hurt My Feelings

tumblr only allows 10 images per post so i had to use my transition images sparingly, i hope it doesn’t make the scene changes too awkward. hope you’re all doing well, sending lots of love!

Warnings: there’s nothing too serious, but there’s a mention of toxic family relations and insecurities about friendships

Masterlist

Read Part 2 Here: How To: Kill an Idea

Lucas x Reader (angst // 9.6k words); ft. stepbrother!Johnny

You were a being made up of words. You lived to think words, to write words, to read words, and to speak words. You were jack of all things debate and a master of sounding like a charming smartass. Your words were always chosen carefully, and because of this, your persuasive skills were deadly.

Lucas was a being of action. He moved as his spirit listed, and was often caught indulging in whatever sins his internal chaos prompted him that day. He built the world around him with his own two hands and lived for the sake of creating his own experiences within his own days. He hadn't an interest in the events of the world, nor the stories in it. You don't think he'd ever read a story in his life. Actually, you don't think he'd ever read.

Perhaps that was why the two of you fit together oh-so-well. He was the Yang to your Yin, the left to your right. Your relationship was a perfectly balanced chemical equation. He made a mess, and you cleaned up after him. You were a mess, and he cleaned you up.

Oh, but you can always get messier, can't you?

"Seriously, Y/N? When was the last time you ate?" Lucas folded his arms over his chest and leaned against your doorframe.

"I ate breakfast," you quipped softly, folding your legs up into your rolly chair. You'd been there for almost two days straight, but your project was finally starting to take shape.

"Oh yeah? And what did you eat?" You bit the inside of your cheek, giving him a guilty smile as you twidled your thumbs. "You can't live off of those damn health bars. Christ- Put your shoes on, we're going out."

"Wait, Yukhei, it's okay, I can just-"

"You have ten minutes to get ready before I carry you out of here on my shoulder," he warned before excusing himself to sit in your living room and wait for you.

Groaning, you moved the blanket from your lap and threw on a pair of sweats. You washed your face and brushed out your hair, and with two minutes to spare, you were slipping into your jogging shoes. "Lucas, are you ready?" you asked, stepping out of your bedroom. Oddly enough, he wasn't on that ugly black couch that he loved so much, nor was he in the kitchenette that fit so snuggly in the corner of the room. He wasn't by the window, nor with the plants on your fire escape. You stepped back to check the bathroom. Empty. "Yukhei?" you called out for him again.

Your heart jumped out of your chest at the sudden jolt of your door, followed by three sharp knocks.

"Y/N? I locked myself out..." Breathing out a steadying breath, you placed a hand over your heart. "Y/N?"

"Hang on a second, you big baby." You rolled your eyes and opened the door for him. "I thought you'd been abducted."

"Sorry babe, I had a call. But don't worry, nobody can abduct me when I carry around guns like these," he grinned, flexing his arms.

"I think I liked you better when you were missing." He scoffed. "But you have to promise me to never leave me without any answers. I'd have to hunt you down if you did."

"I'll never leave you, ever," he gleams, throwing an arm over your shoulder and guiding you out the door. You hummed, wrapping an arm around his waist and syncing your steps with his. "Besides, if I ever tried, you'd lock me in your apartment building's basement and I don't really wanna know what else is down there."

"You'd better not try to escape then," you snorted.

You weren't quite sure how you always managed to end up in such ungodly positions, but as long as you were both comfortable, you couldn't complain. However, at the moment, you were very uncomfortable, and the boy laying on top of you was getting an ear-full.

He'd simply barged into your bedroom, saw you laying on your stomach, and decided that you were the most comfortable matress around.

"Lucas, I have to pee."

"Do it, I dare you."

"Lucas, I can't breathe!"

"Then die."

"You are the-"

"Most wonderful person you ever could have hoped to even end up dating? I know. What do you want for dinner tonight? I'm thinking chicken. Thoughts?"

"I'll buy if you get off me," you groaned.

He perked up at that, finally rolling off of you and bouncing over to your closet. "We're gonna match," he said certainly, plucking a black T-shirt and skinny jeans off of their respective hangers and throwing them at you before going back to fish out the jean jacket and belt he'd bought you specifically for occasions such as these.

He rushed you along, ushering you out of your building quickly, excited to go to his favorite marketplace restaurant. Boarding the transit, he took your hand in his much larger one and turned to you to quietly ask if he could spend the night at your place to watch movies and "get frisky," earning a light slap on the wrist which only made him laugh.

You and Lucas were puzzle pieces that fit together. So for the life of you, you couldn't begin to understand why everything seemed to be falling apart.

"I just can't win against you, can I? You have too many debate trophies shoved up your ass!"

"I just-"

"Stop, Y/N. If you won't try to understand my side, we're done here."

"Lucas, I do understand, I just don't agree. And that's okay because we don't have to agree on everything."

"Yeah?" he huffed. "Well on this, we do."

"What do you want me to do? Fly home to (country) and tell my family that their daughter who managed to escape their victimized mindsets and emotional neglect and finally cut ties with them has a boyfriend who wants to meet them? I don't want you to meet them! I don't want you anywhere around them," your composure finally snapped, letting a tear roll down your cheek. You roughly wiped it away with the back of your sleeve.

"Oh, cut the shit, Y/N. You didn't want to introduce me to your 'toxic' best friend either, or your 'overly protective' brother; they turned out to be completely fucking normal. Maybe it's you that's the problem."

"You mean the beautiful best friend, Soomin, that cut me off after I wouldn't give you her number? Oh, and my brother, Johnny, who slept on my couch for a week after meeting you to make sure you weren't staying the night?"

"So I'm the one causing problems? Maybe if you were less insecure-"

"Insecure? Fine, I'll call Soomin and give her your number. And while I'm at it, I'll just ask Johnny to give my number out to all your frat brothers, since that's no big deal."

Lucas slammed his hand down on your island countertop. "Like hell you will. Look, I just want to meet your family. I'm not gonna ask them to move to Korea."

"Lucas, I'm thrilled that your family likes me so much because you're very close with them and that's important to you, but please don't make me contact my family. I don't want them in my life."

He stepped out that night without another word and remained silent for the rest of the week.

You felt like a vase that held flowers but had no water to give them; you were, on your own, too much of some things and not enough of others. Lucas's silent treatment felt like he tipped the scale by hopping off of his side and leaving you to fall.

"Y/N, listen to me," you whispered to yourself as you opened the refrigerator door. "You are a strong, independent woman and your life does not revolve around a boy." You reached for the fruit drawer and pulled out a peach. Fruit was a large part of your diet when you were sad; it was convenient because there was no meal prep. Uni-students like you didn't have time to cook anyways.

A buzzing sound from your counter pulled you from your thoughts. You wiped the peach juice off your chin with your sleeve and put the phone to your ear.

"Y/N? Do you have a minute?"

"Johnny? What's up tree-child?" You hear a soft chuckle over the line.

"Your overgrown boyfriend hasn't left his room since your little fight-"

"Johnny, you know what it was like for me back home. Your mom and my dad- you don't want to go back either, right? You know how bad it was. I shouldn't have to apologise for not wanting to go back."

Johnny sighed loudly over the line. "I'm not saying you have to apologise to him. I'm on your side, but neither of you are trying to fix the situation. So come to our frat, talk, make out, have angry make-up sex; I don't care what floats your boat, just come see him. You're the only person who I know has the ability to convince him to shower."

"See, dearest Johnny, that would mean I would have to shower. And right now, I'm not really feeling up to the task. So if that's all, then I'll be going-"

"Y/N, please? I'll make you dinner, and I'll pay for two- no, three of your textbooks next semester!"

"What do you get out of this, Seo? What bidding of yours will I be doing if I agree?"

"Can't I just reunite one of my best friends with my sister for the- yeah okay, I can't do this. There's a party next week and he's my wingman."

"Goodbye, Johnny."

You didn't know what to expect if you were to text Lucas first. Perhaps he was waiting on you to, or perhaps not, instead opting not to talk to you. However, you were a being of words, and you were desperately trying to sort through all of the Korean vocabulary that you knew in order to find the best words to give to him. You knew he deserved that, the best of you.

Y/N: Hey, can we talk?

You waited and waited, and thought yourself into hours of self torment. Was that text a mistake? Should you not have sent it? Could you have said something better?

After about an hour of stressing over the message and his lack of reply, you manage to pull yourself off of your couch, take yourself into the shower and sulk in its hot, suffocating water and steam.

And then you, naturally, went crawling back to your phone.

"Johnny, is your offer still up? Dinner and textbooks and shit?" Damn your unusually shaky voice, underused in the time you'd spent away from your significant other.

"Y/N? You sound distressed, is everything okay?"

"I don't know how to take care of myself," you admitted without an ounce of emotion in your tone, only growing your stepbrother's concerns. "You know, you're the only person that has checked in on me since our fight? I'm the one in the wrong, and everyone knows it... I need him, I need to apologise."

You hear something clatter over the line. "Now, hold on Y/N. You don't sound like you're thinking straight. I'm all for you guys patching things up, but not to get back into our good graces."

"Johnny, I'm alone. He's the only person that's ever made an effort to distract me from that."

"Hey, wait, you aren't alone. You have all of us. We're all here whenever you need us, not just him."

"John, I'm either your sister or his girlfriend. The guys in your frat don't want to be friends with me, and that's okay. But I want to hang on to what I've got so I'm coming over to fix-"

Your brother cuts you off with a groan. You don't see it, but he sets his afternoon bowl of cereal to the side and runs his hand through his hair. "Hang on a damn minute. I'll be to your apartment in ten minutes. Please, stay there."

"But John-"

"Stay there."

He cursed as soon as he hung up the call, finally noticing the stares he'd been receiving from the others in the kitchen. They'd watched you slowly unravel his composure until he was rushing to pour the rest of his precious Captain Crunch down the garbage disposal. All for his endearing concern for his stepsister.

"Who was that?" his closest friend, a broad shouldered boy by the name of Jaehyun asked.

Johnny paused, looking back at his friends. "My sister doesn't sound like she's feeling very well. She's pretty torn up about- well, you know."

"Can we help? I haven't seen Y/N in ages," Haechan commented, thinking back to the last time he'd had a chance to hang out with you. It must've been the night you joined them for a Smash competition. He remembered that you were really bad at it- or rather, not as experienced as his fraternity brothers who maybe spent a little too much time practicing.

"I honestly don't really know what's going on, so maybe it's best if I go alone."

Haechan and Jaehyun share a look. "Can you tell her to drop by to see us sometime?"

"Sure will," he agrees before slipping into his shoes and heading out the door. He was quick to get to the bus stop, knowing it'd be leaving within minutes.

When the doors to the bus opened, he took note of only one person stepping off. A pretty little girl with features that told any onlooker that she was Japanese. Her hair was lighter than his by a few shades, locks of caramel resting gently on her shoulders, the top layers collected in a little white bow and the back of her head which matched the flowy white v-neck she was dressed in; jeans and white tennis shoes paired to match.

She was a figure of beauty and grace. She offered him a small smile which would haunt him in his dreams that night. Had he not had prior engagements, he would have spent more time drinking her in as she walked down the sidewalk in the direction from which he had come. The gleam off of her pearl earrings blinded him momentarily, and suddenly he remembered that he was on a mission: a mission to get to you and remind you of your self worth.

When you cracked your door, an arm poked through, attached to a bag of goodies.

"When's the last time you ate?" Johnny asked, still not pushing his way into your space. "I brought ramen and cookie dough. I figured we could do with a night in."

You opened the door wider and lead him into the living room. It was a mess, to say the least. A nice collage of wrappers and tissues lay across the floor, the occasional soda can making things interesting. The dishes in your sink were stacked as high as they could go, and unopened letters lay strewn across your coffee table. Your home had become a perfect embodiment of how you felt.

"Y/N..." he said, looking around at the state of things.

"I know, I'll clean up later," you answered, tucking yourself back in to your spot on the couch.

"I'll help you tonight," he reassures you, setting the plastic bag on your counter and taking out two styrofoam cups filled with dry noodles.

"You didn't need to come, Johnny." The look in your eyes told him otherwise. Maybe he wasn't the best older brother in the world, but he could tell that you needed someone right now and he'd be damned if he wasn't going to do his best to help you.

"I know," he soothes. "I came for me. You were scaring me with some of the things you said and I needed to make sure that you were okay for my own sanity. Do you want beef or chicken?"

Episodes of Sword Gai play lowly in the background, a low hum of a language that neither of you understood. He helped you pick up around your house and clean up your living space. He helped you make cookies, and he ate his fair share of them. Your brother, your closest companion since you were young, sat with you all night and talked. The weight of your words though, it was heavy on his chest.

"Y/N, we've always only had each other. We practically fled a country together. You know that you and I are the first and last people on this planet, right? I took care of you back in (country) and I'll take care of you here."

You sighed, rubbing your temples. "I was your scared little sister who came chasing after you. You deserved to have your own life and live it the way that you wanted. I followed you to Korea, and once again I'm your burden."

"Y/N, you're not a burden. I'm glad you came to my University. The closer you are, the easier I can protect you."

"You shouldn't have to protect me though. You introduced me to your friends because I couldn't make any on my own. Then I met Lucas, and you helped him get into NCT and now everyone there has to deal with me-"

"Y/N, they aren't 'dealing' with you. They actually like you. Not because they have to, but because you're fun to be around."

"I don't know..." You didn't want to outright complain that you hadn't even received a text from any of the members of NCT since your fight with the Chinese boy. You didn't want to admit how badly if hurt to realize that they were his friends before they were yours. Now, not only was there a hole in your heart from your boyfriend ripping himself away, but also the growing cavity from the quiet abandonment of your friends. And now, your brother who'd done so much for you your whole life had to take care of you once again.

"What're you thinking about?" He watches your gaze flicker from the TV to his eyes and back.

"I'm willing to admit that Lucas was right-"

"I don't think he was. And neither do you. He has to respect that family is a taboo subject for some of us. Hell, he knows that I don't like it whenever he brings it up. You can work things out without taking all the blame for this, which would be outright unjust."

"I shouldn't have been so sensitive though," you respond honestly.

"You know I hate taking sides-"

"You do not, Seo," you giggle. His face visibly brightens at the sound.

"Yeah, your right, I love taking sides. I'm definitely on your side about the argument. But maybe he's thought about it too. Maybe you should let him explain how he feels about it now. And of course, I'll be sure to give you my opinions afterwards."

"I guess," you offer him an unsure smile. "I want him back in my life. I want everyone else back in my life too. I guess losing him and then losing touch with my- your friends made me realize that maybe I'm rather expendable." Your chuckle was dry, barely making it out of your throat.

In Johnny's eyes, not only Lucas, but his friends as well had been the ones lacking; yet somehow, you thought it was your own lacking that had let them slip away. How dare they hurt you like this? How dare they make you feel unworthy of them?

"I've always known," you continued, "that they were his friends- and yours. I guess I should start trying to make friends in class if we don't get this worked out, huh?"

"Maybe you should talk to them about that before you go trying to replace your friend group. But you're gonna work it out. No one's leaving you. You should see how desperate he looks right now, waiting for you to come marching into our house and demand to see him. He's got too much love in that big heart of his and now that he can't shower you in it, he looks like his purpose in life has been taken away."

Johnny was always there to take care of you, and you felt you could never repay him for that. His advice and soothing words were invaluable to you. Your brother's compassion was the most precious thing in the world to you, especially in your moments of need.

Of course you made an attempt to call Lucas before you showed up on the fraternity doorstep, but if you wanted something to change, for once you were going to have to do something yourself. You had to be able to move your own two feet without him.

Your three sharp knocks were answered by the only Thai resident in the household, a slender boy with cropped bangs and sharp features. Ten was quick to pull you inside, wrapping his arms around your torso and resting his head on your shoulder.

"Buddha has sent us an Angel; we're saved!"

"That bad, huh?"

Ten let you out of his bear hug and looked you in the eye with a look of (semi-) mock disgust. "Y/N, it's been fourteen days since he came home crying and he's showered like twice since then. Mark and I have been trying to coax him out of his room for days. Please, you've got to do something!"

"Challenge accepted," you said, smiling at the boy in front of you. He always knew how to make your day a little bit brighter.

Your heart grew heavy when you remembered that his concerns weren't for you. They were for his real friend, and you could appreciate that.

You tried to shove those thoughts down in your chest as you stepped around him and started on the long trek to your boyfriend's room.

The couch at the end of his bed was a sacred place for videogames and movie nights, a large flat screen just in front of it. His desk was often messy and usually your problem to clean. His chair was a space for studying and the occasional newcomer into his room, a comfortable space to be welcomed. The carpet was a place you liked to lay when you began to think that mattresses were just a little bit too mundane; then suddenly, you'd think the most interesting thing in the world was the orange peel texture on the white ceiling. On the nightstand was an alarm clock, a charger, and a picture of you - and in it was a bottle of lotion and a stash of jewelry you'd given him over time. Even his dresser meant something to you. You'd picked it out with him at a flea market and agreed to split the cost because it was just too beautiful to pass up. The bottom drawer was full of your clothes and he always reminded you that the dresser would one day live in a space with the two of you, together.

His room was a box of memories, and his bed held the most prized of them all. It's where you laid and let yourself be vulnerable with Lucas. It's where your lives came together, and your stories intertwined, slipping from your lips and knotting together like your limbs under the ceiling fan. Promises of the future, swears of the past, and a comforting and cozy present.

You didn't think before you opened the door; it was practically an instinct now. It wasn't necessarily a shared space, but it's a space that's always been offered to you. You'd never imagined that there would be a time when you weren't welcomed there.

It caught you off guard, the body underneath his. A petite girl with Carmel colored hair that was stuck to her damp skin. Your boyfriend moved on top of her, rocking back and forth against her body, eyes trained on hers.

You quietly shut the door and slipped back down the hallway. Doyoung, exiting his room, stopped your frantic attempt at escape from the house, taking in your wide eyes and seemingly disorganized composition.

"Y/N? What's wrong? Wh-"

"I'm okay," you swore, stepping around him. "I'm just not feeling well, I'm gonna step out for a bit."

"Oh," he says, watching you scamper down the steps. "We have medicine if you need it."

You didn't answer. Your priority was to get out of the front door as quickly and as quietly as possible, not even sparing a glance at the boys in the living room who had greeted you earlier.

You walked like a woman with a purpose, fast and in a straight line, away from the house. You didn't bother waiting on the bus, instead you walked right past the bus stop and started towards your home where you would let your composure fall.

Lucas moved one of the light colored strands of hair from Yuri's face. He was propped up on an elbow, admiring the beautiful girl in front of him. She was someone he'd know for a while, having been in his Sociology class the year prior. He'd seen her every now and again, met with her, fucked her, and left her in the morning. The girl with almost orange hair who always wore white was illusive to all but him. Wanted was the girl who always wore her graduation gift from her grandmother proudly, a pair of pearl earrings.

Normally, he wouldn't have allowed the sweet Japanese girl to stay with him after sex, cuddled to his chest, her bare skin against his. It hurt him too much to think that she wasn't the one who was supposed to be in his arms, and as a constant reminder he was always burned by the temperature of her skin. She was hot, a fire that lit in his stomach and yet left his heart cold.

Yuri blinked up at him, stirring from her soft slumber. "Is it nighttime?" she yawned out. He nodded and shushed her, rubbing his thumb over the soft skin of her cheek. He brought their lips together for a kiss that felt so wrong yet so right. Part of him didn't want to pull away and crash back down to reality, the other part of him knew that the girl needed to leave while no one was awake, lest his relationship with you be damaged.

He pulled away first, standing to dress himself in the sweats and Tee that he'd discarded some time ago. He helped Yuri sit up then dress herself. He placed a chaste kiss her forehead and lead her to his bedroom door, expecting her to find her own way out of the house. But before the door closed, he locked eyes with the last person he wanted to see him sending off his rendezvous into the night.

Johnny did not hesitate to put his hands on the door (rather loudly) to prevent it from closing.

"What's a girl doing in your room so late, Lucas?"

Lucas tried to meet Johnny's eyes, but he couldn't hold your brother's fierce gaze. "Studying?"

"Oh yeah? How'd you two get so sweaty while you were studying. You must've been cramming pretty hard." Johnny fold his arms over his chest just as the color of pink on Lucas's bed catches his attention. He stared at it for a moment before the shape registered in his mind. "And how did leaving her thong with you help either of you read a fucking textbook?"

At this point, Johnny has a fist full of Lucas's shirt and is backing him against a wall. Lucas tries to remove Johnny's hand, but only gets shoved harder into the hard surface, pictures rattling on both sides of his head, the picture of your joint trip to the fair the year prior falls to the ground and shatters.

Taeyong comes rushing in from his room, roughly awoken by his neighbor's commotion.

"Johnny? Yukhei? It's one in the morning, what the hell is going on?"

The intense gaze between the two doesn't falter for a moment. "Yeah, Yukhei, what the hell is going on?" When he doesn't receive an answer, he lifts him off the wall and pushes him back against in with one harsh movement. "Don't ever talk to my sister again." Johnny releases his shirt and Lucas's eyes widen.

"Y/N-" Lucas breathes out, grabbing for your brother's arm and stumbling over his words. "Please don't tell Y/N."

"Ya know, Lucas, she just recently told me that she felt like no one cared about her. Her friends were yours, and while you were out of her reach, so we're they. How could you leave her with nobody?"

Taeyong gasped at that. He considered you a rather close friend and cherished the bond he had with you. He understood where you were coming from but it still hurt that you would misread his intentions as befriending a friend of a friend.

Lucas pulled harder at Johnny's arm, keeping him in place as he tried to turn away. Taeyong took this as his que to step between the two and separate them.

"Please don't tell her," Lucas tried. "Please, let me be the one to tell her. She deserves that much."

Your phone had been dead for two days and you hadn't bothered to even look for a charger. You focus your energy on your Korean history essays and devote your time to working on your computer.

Little did you know, this was sparking panic at the NCT dorms. No one, not even your brother, had been able to contact you. Finally, Johnny decided that he had to check on you (along with the ever persistent presence of his younger friend, Haechan, who demanded that he be taken to see you), taking the public transit to your apartment on the northwest border of the campus.

His knocking earned a prompt "fuck off" from your living room, so at the very least they were sure you were still alive.

"Y/N, open the damn door." You didn't even bother moving from your cozy place on the couch. "For fuck's sake- do you know how long we've all been trying to contact you. Let me fucking in or I'll break the door down."

"I'd like to see you try," you mumbled before a solid 'thud' sounded from your entrance. "John, what the fuck?"

"I said let me in. I gotta make sure you're okay so don't make this difficult."

"For the love of fuck, I'm fine, go away."

Thud.

"Let me in."

Thud.

"Okay, okay stop! You're gonna make my neighbors hate me."

You threw your door open to be greeted by, not one, but two friendly faces with murderous intentions in their eyes.

"You can't just drop off the fucking radar, you had everyone scared shitless that something had happened to you," Haechan snapped before bringing you into a warm embrace.

"I'm sorry," you sighed, wrapping your arms back around him. It felt nice to be in someone's arms again, even if it wasn't the touch you longed for. "I've just had a hard few days."

Johnny, who had already pushed his way past you, was beginning to calm himself down like a passing storm.

"What happened, Princess?" Haechan tried. You cringed and he shrugged, still holding you to his chest.

"Lucas and a girl-" Your eyes teared up and the words lodged themselves in your throat. "He's cheating on me."

Haechan's eyes widen and he presses your head to his chest rather forcefully so that he could discreetly pass Johnny a look of sheer confusion. It'd been the hot topic as the frat, but as no one had been able to contact you since they'd made the discovery themselves, he assumed no one had been able to tell you yet. "Y/N, Princess, what do you mean?" he spoke slowly, unsure of how he wanted to frame his question.

"I went to," you hiccupped, "went to see him and there," you hiccupped again, "there was a girl," and again, "underneath him." Haechan's grip tightens around you. The look he's giving Johnny now is one that would've scared armies away from battle. The look on his face was nothing in comparison to the emotion written on Johnny's own features. The storm had returned, the haze of anger clouding both his eyes and his judgements.

Johnny moved towards the door much slower than he'd come barging through it. Like a man marching off to war, he kept his eyes straight ahead and left the same way he'd came. "Both of you, stay here." The door slams shut behind him, mimicking the sound of a gunshot.

Haechan keeps you in his embrace for a few minutes, rocking you back and forth after the tensions in his muscles began to dissipate. He shushed you until you stopped crying, urging you to get your breathing back under control.

"I'm so sorry you had to see that," the silver haired boy mumbled into your hair before sperating himself from you. "Come sit down. Let's talk about this for a minute."

"That's okay, Haechan. I appreciate it but-" you sniffle.

"Y/N, this is an important talk we're about to have, okay? Listen to me very carefully, and after we talk this out, I'm going to order food from any place in this district that you want." You shook your head but did nothing to interrupt him. "We all just found out a couple of days ago. That's part of the reason everyone has been trying to reach you. Johnny caught him, but he agreed to let Lucas tell you. But because no one has been able to get to you, those two have been raising hell at the frat. That's why it is very important that we can get in contact with you, do you understand? If we have things we really need to tell you, your phone needs to be on so we can get to you. We were all worried that something really, really bad had happened to you."

"So it's true? I'm not being dramatic? Lucas really..."

Haechan nodded, pulling you down to sit with him on the couch and tuck you under his arm. "But listen, I know it's aweful. Johnny is probably going to put Lucas in his place right now. So you and I are going to stay here for now, and talk and eat dinner, and get out everything that you're feeling right now. And soon, that boy isn't going to mean anything to you because he doesn't deserve to take up your precious time or energy. Okay? Now what do you want to eat?" He rubbed your back, patiently waiting for your answer. He would move at your pace for the rest of the night.

"Where is he?" Mark and Taeyong are quick to intercept Johnny's trail, desperately trying to avoid whatever chaos was sure to ensue this hour.

"Don't you think it's a little early to start throwing punches this evening?" Taeyong tries.

Ten enters from the kitchen, a bowl of cheap ramen in his hands, Lucas trailing behind him, rocking the college boy couture: no shirt and sweatpants. Ten had by no means forgiven him within the short span of two days, especially not when he picked plenty of the recent fights with Johnny which promised a rather annoying thrill of excitement every night, but Ten knew that in the depths of his heart he felt sympathy and compassion for Lucas. As frustrated as he was with the younger boys, he couldn't abandon him when he had so few people left on his side anymore. Who else would take care of him if not Ten?

Lucas stopped in his tracks when he saw Johnny, slowly handing off his bowl to Ten to be sat on the coffee table. There was a feral beast inside Johnny that Lucas could see right now, and he was afraid that any sudden movements would invoke a violent response.

"I thought you'd be gone longer," Lucas admits. He had avoided the living room recently, especially when he knew Johnny would be home.

"I felt suddenly compelled to come right back and have a nice long chat with you."

Lucas tensed, subconsciously preparing to be thrown into a fight at any second.

"Wait, where's Haechan?" Mark ask, noting that the younger boy did not come in with him.

"He's comforting my sister. He's doing what I should be doing. But I trust him to handle her with care. I trust him to take care of her tonight while you and I have that little chat." He eyes Lucas, reading every sign that Lucas's body is posting, watching as he takes in those words and deflates a bit.

"You guys told her?"

"Didn't have to. She walked in on you screwing another girl." The room falls silent until Ten begins to choke on his ramen. Everyone looks at him as he turns away to hide his wide-eyed expression.

"Ten?" Taeyong asks. "Do you know something?"

Ten slowly turns around to face the group. "Do you remember that night when we were sitting here when she came over, and then she went running out the door a few minutes later?"

Taeyong's face falls. "Oh my God. Is that really the last time any of us saw her?"

"Fuck, and we didn't even know she needed help."

"Doyoung said she wasn't feeling well; he tried to stop her."

"That was almost a week ago, though," Ten thinks aloud. Everyone's eyes fall on Lucas, the boy they'd momentarily forgotten. His eyes are glassy, his composure fallen. There's a beat before anyone dares to ask about the elephant in the room. "How many times did it happen?"

Lucas opens and closes his mouth like a fish. "Did she really see? She saw me with Yuri?"

"Lucas, how many times did it happen?" Johnny's shoulders are squared. He steps towards the boy but is stopped my Taeyong's firm grasp on his arm.

"A lot," he admits as the first tear makes its dash for his chin. "A lot more than I should have. A lot more than I ever wanted to." As wet as his entire face was becoming, he dare not move to wipe away the shame. "I love her. Oh my God, I love her and she'll never want to see me again."

Mark looks between his two best friends seeing nothing but desperation and fury - two ample types of passion for you. "Why'd you do it then?" His words were soft. He didn't want to stir the pot anymore, but he wanted to know.

"I don't know. I love her. Why would I do that to her?" Johnny's composure cracks but doesn't break. He doesn't take off his armor. He was still there, at his own frat, in his own living room to challenge his former mate.

"She was the reason you got into this house in the first place. If she didn't care about you, I would have never helped you get in."

"Johnny stop." Taeyong pulls back on Johnny's arm, reigning him in and telling him to stand down.

"Why? That's how she feels. She feels like she's less than you. I think it should be the other way around. She think everyone only cares about her because they care about you. I think she should realize that you wouldn't even be here without her. How do you even have the balls to cheat on her after what she's done for you?"

"I didn't want to!" Lucas defends.

"Then why did you do it?"

"I don't know! I don't know! I don't know if it was because I was bored, or if I was mad at her one day. I don't know how it started. When I started to see Yuri, it just felt like a small break but then we started to mess around more often. I don't know how it started, but I wish it never had. I never wanted Y/N to have to see that."

In one swift movement, Johnny yanked himself out of Taeyong's grasp and nailed one shot right below Lucas's eye before the other three men in the room jumped in to separate the two as much as the could.

"You wish you hadn't done it because you got caught?"

Lucas holds on to his face but managed to stand up straight. "I wish I hadn't done it because I regret hurting her. It would break my heart to see her with anyone else - I can't imagine how it must've felt for her to see that. So yes, I regret her finding out."

Johnny struggles against the restraint of his friends. "Do you regret doing it? Did you ever question yourself while you were screwing around behind her back?"

Lucas didn't answer, instead he walked away. He gather up the few shards of his dignity that he had left, and locked himself in the first story bathroom for the rest of the night.

Haechan made you put your phone on the charger. He warned you that there would be messages from just about everyone in his frat but that you didn't have to open them all immediately. He stayed up with you that night to help you with both your assignments and your heartache, sending you to bed at a decent time (before two in the morning). He sat in your living room, waiting for any news from the dorms before he went back. He ended up falling asleep on your couch.

When morning came, he was abruptly awoke from a sweet dream by the rattle of the door and three sharp knocks. Annoyed, he pushed himself up and went to check who could possibly be so irritating this early in the morning.

He cracked the door to find a not-so-hot Wong Lucas on the doorstep.

"Haechan?" Lucas asked, sniffling quietly. Haechan shut the door, ready to turn back and resume his slumber on the couch before three more knocks stopped him.

He cracked the door again. "She's sleeping, knock it off."

"Haechanie?" You ask yawning as you wonder to his side. You didn't know that he'd been there all night and came to check the door, not expecting anyone to beat you to it. "Who's at the door?"

"No one, Princess. Go back to sleep."

"Princess?" Lucas questioned, clearly uncomfortable with the younger boy calling you by a pet name.

"Lucas?" Your mind wakes up a bit when you register his voice.

"Y/N," he sighs in relief.

"Haechan," Haechan blurts before shutting the door and promptly turning to you. "Y/N, don't let him in. He's probably here to convince you to take him back and you need to remember what we talked about last night. He made you feel like a small person, don't go crawling back to him-"

"I'm not letting him in, don't worry." You wrap your blanket tighter around yourself. "Why are you still here anyways?"

"I never got the all clear to go home," he mumbled, pulling you back into your bedroom. Three sharp knocks sounded once again at your door. Neither of you moved to answer it, instead you let Haechan lay you down in your bed and tuck you into your comforter before he crawled on top of your covers and dozed back off at the foot of your bed.

Lucas left the flowers and food in front of your door, sending Haechan a text to let him know that they were there (just in case you'd already blocked his number). Pulling his jacked tighter around him, he left the building in search of something to make himself feel better after a night of high emotions.

He found himself at the coffee house down the street from your residence. As he waited on his order, he sat at a booth and pondered ways to get you to, if nothing else, accept his apology. With everything in him, he wanted you back. He wanted to forget the stupid fight, he wanted to forget the other girl - he wanted you. That wasn't fair though, and he knew it. It especially wasn't fair that while you were with him, you felt small compared to him. It wasn't fair that he made you feel like nobody cared about you more than they did him. It wasn't fair that your stepbrother had to be the one to voice your concerns for you; you had never felt comfortable telling Lucas about your deepest insecurities when he was supposed to be the one to get you past them. He was only beginning to realize that he hadn't been there for you the way that you needed him to be - the way that you had been for him.

"Johnny is it true that Y/N thinks we don't like her?" Jungwoo asks, placing himself between both Johnny and Jaehyun on the couch.

Johnny sighed. "She thinks that you guys don't like her, but that you're all too nice to say anything. She thinks that because she's my sister, you guys are forced to spend time with her."

"But I like spending time with her," the younger whines.

"I know," Johnny answers simply. "She just," he inhales through his teeth, "doesn't have a lot of super close relationships. Actually, it was really only me and..." He eyes the staircase. "Can you blame her for having trust issues, though?" he asks rhetorically, more towards himself than anybody else.

"How can we show her we care about her? Like, genuinely?" Jungwoo asks, his simple yet quick thought process spitting out one debacle after another.

"I dunno, Woo. I really don't know. Maybe try to text her more? Maybe check on her every now and again?" Johnny thinks to a moment how much of his private conversation with you he wants to share. He determines that no true friendship deals in lies. "She wanted to apologise to Lucas for the fight they had a few weeks ago. She was willing to be wrong in her principles if it meant she could have that one deep connection back. She said no one had really contacted her since they'd started fighting. She said she felt alone."

Jungwoo's eyes swelled up to the size of saucers. Had he really been so neglectful? Had they all?

"I'm not telling you this to make you feel guilty. She'll never be honest about her emotions, though. She told me that if things didn't work out with Lucas, she would have to start trying to make new friends in class."

"Would she really replace us like that?"

"To her, it's not replacing something if you never really had it."

"She wouldn't even try to talk to us?"

Johnny shook his head. "That's what I'm saying. I wasn't going to tell you that, I don't want you guys to feel bad about it. But if I didn't say something, you'd never know how she felt."

Jaehyun, who'd kept his quiet so far, finally spoke up. "Well I hope she's accepting visitors. We've clearly left her to deal with her problems alone for too long."

"Let's go after breakfast," Johnny suggests, nearly being cut off by the ring of his phone. He excuses himself from the living room to answer it. "Hello? Y/N? What's up? We were just talking about you."

He doesn't see it, but you cringe a little at that. "Uh, hey, are you busy right now? Should I call you back another time?"

As off put as Johnny is by your tone, he doesn't question it. "For my adoring sister? I'm never to busy for you."

You wonder if he was genuinely not doing anything or not. "Really, we can talk later if-"

"Y/N, I'm not doing anything, what's going on?" The line is quiet for a moment. A sickening moment.

"I think I'm gonna transfer back home." Your brother feels his stomach drop. "I've been thinking about it for a while now. I just think it might be the better option for me. I don't know many people here on campus, I struggle to keep up with my Korean classes. I just think it's time I stop following you around like a lost puppy, ya know?" The line goes silent as you wait for his response. "Hello?" You wait. "John?"

"No." His answer is simple and definite.

"What do you mean 'no?'"

"I mean you're not leaving just because you're insecure. You and I both know you're doing wonderfully in your classes this semester. Why would you leave that behind? Because a boy cheated on you? Because you think no one wants to care about you? You're not leaving Korea."

"I wasn't asking. I was just letting you know." Johnny feels his heart break for you.

"On purpose! I care about you on purpose. We all care about you on purpose. Why do you keep trying to take yourself away from us?"

"You shouldn't have to care-"

"You think it's up to you if I care about you or not? That's not your decision. And it's not your decision whether or not the rest of NCT cares for you either. Why are you so hard headed?" Johnny groans loudly into the mic.

"I'm not enough of anything to be cared about."

"Shut up." He promptly hung up and grabbed his jacket.

Your tiny apartment wasn't really made to accommodate many people at once, but the five overgrown boys standing on your doorstep pushed their way into your apartment and made it work.

"Let's take a vote," is the first thing out of your stepbrother's mouth as soon as he crosses the threshold. "All in favor of Y/N transferring say 'aye.'" A silence falls over the boys. "All opposed say no."

"No," Jungwoo is the first to speak.

"No," Jaehyun is quick to follow.

"No," Ten says sternly.

"No," Taeyong adds.

"You have been unanimously voted to keep your ass in Korea and the court rules in favor of putting a bounty on you if you try to escape."

"Wait, wait, wait," you finally get out. "This isn't a democracy; your vote is irrelevant."

"Y/N, why do you want to leave so badly?" Ten asks, crossing his arms and leaning against your island.

"I have to learn to take care of myself. I can't depend on Johnny or Lucas to do that for me anymore."

"Is this really what you think is best for you?" Jaehyun asks, a tinge of guilt in his words.

"I don't know, I guess we'll find out in five weeks when the semester ends in December."

Lucas pressed his palms into his eyes, temporarily making himself see stars. It was cold, a thin layer of snow covering the ground and buildings outside. There was a blanket thrown over his shoulders but it did nothing for the morbid freeze that so deeply effected his mood.

It was midnight when he woke up. Really, he no longer had a desire to eat, and he couldn't make himself sleep anymore lest he grow physically sick. He was left to wallow in his thoughts as he stared out his window, watching the snow fall so peacefully.

"Did I do this?" He asks himself. "She's leaving because of me? Was it me who made her feel so small compared to everyone else? Was it me who made her feel so small compared to Yuri?"

He'd stopped seeing her, his fling. He came to realize that there was a hole in his heart that she could never fill. When he had you, perhaps Yuri was a fun toy to play with on the side. When you were stripped away from him and his sense of comfort was taken from him, he no longer wanted to play with her.

He tried not to contact you. He didn't deserve your time - but he wanted it.

He found himself standing outside of your apartment at one in the morning on a freezing December night. Public transport, if it even ran in this weather, had been closed for the night. There were no students wondering the campus either. He braved the elements alone.

Three sharp knocks. They weren't particularly loud. If you were asleep, he wanted you to remain asleep. But if you weren't, he needed to see you. He wanted to hold you, and kiss you, and love you; he needed to see you. You weren't his toy, you weren't his game - you were his survival, his comfort, his energy, his breath.

"Lucas? What are you wearing? It's snowing out there, are you crazy?"

"Please don't leave."

"Isn't it a little late in the night to be talking about college transfers?"

"Please don't leave me."

You'd seen Lucas cry about a lot of things. For such a physically built man, he was very emotional. He cries when he stubs his toe. He cries when he sees a dead animal on the road. He cries when he laughs to hard. He cries when he's drunk and misses you, no matter how close you might be. He cries over a plethora of movies from sad romcoms to cheesey action movies. Never have you ever seen Lucas sob. He was hysterical and unfiltered, and still in the middle of the hallway.

"Come in, Lucas. It's okay, come in." He steps inside, wiping his runny nose of his sleeve.

"Please don't leave me," he repeats. "I'll be better, I'll do better. I know you deserve so much more than me but please let me be selfish and keep you."

"You'll be better without me," you reassure.

Lucas out himself on his knees in front of you, his hand reaching out unsteadily to hold yours. "Please, Y/N. Please. I'm sorry. God, I'm so sorry. If I could take it all back, I would. I swear I would. I hate myself for ruining what we had."

"It's okay, Lucas." You cradled his head to your waist and shushed him, letting his arms wrap around your legs. "It's okay. I wasn't enough and that's okay. You needed something else, that's okay. I wish I would have know, sure. I wish maybe you would have told me that I wasn't enough, but I understand why you did it."

"No, no, Y/N. No, that's not right at all. You were perfect - too perfect, and I wasn't enough of a man to cherish that. I'm not a man without you. I'm a scared little boy. Y/N, please, I love you."

You shush him and run your fingers through his hair until he calms down a bit.

"Lucas?" You ask softly. He hums in response. "Did we ever break up?" You feel his entire body tighten around you as he tensed. He pressed his face harder against your abdomen and cries harder."I'm not going to end it with you," you sigh, "I can't live on my own, you know that better than anyone. I'm so tired of being alone. I need you too."

"I don't have the words to describe you. I'm trying, but I don't know how to tell you what I feel right now."

"Then don't tell me in words."

"You know, I have really hated your life decisions lately." Johnny quips from the driver's seat. "I hate that you're studying abroad for an entire semester. I detest that you got back with your ex, and I am repulsed by the fact that you're wearing sandals in December. Your decisions just suck."

"But I'm making them," you smile at him. "It's only a few months, I'll be back from Bordeaux before you know it."

"I'm glad you're going to France instead of going home. For a minute there, I thought you'd really gone off the deep end."

"Thank you for talking me down from that."

"I really wouldn't have let you go, you know. I would not be driving you to the airport if I wasn't one hundred percent sure that you're going to France."

"Thank you."

"We're going to miss you, Y/N. All of us, we really are." You thank him and offer a warm smile.

"Are you sure you can take care of Lucas while I'm gone? Without killing him?"

Something serious flashes in Johnny's eyes for a second. "I will never see him the same. I hate that you forgave him. But it's your life, and I support you."

"He and I both had to change a lot over the last couple of months. He had to learn to cherish someone that he so often took for granted. He knows now what he did to me, he's made effort to change and I've forgiven him. I had to learn to cherish the people in my life too. I had to learn how to accept that I'm cared for. No body is perfect, but both of us are trying to be good."

"If you've both changed so much, are you still both the perfect opposites?"

"I don't know. I don't think so. I don't think I'm the same person I was before the fight."

"Oh yeah? What about him?"

"Hardly." Johnny hummed in acknowledgement. "I think maybe, he's the word now. He's an idea, an emotion. It's my turn to be the action. I get to live my life for me, now."

"You've always been strong," Johnny adds, pulling into the airport parking garage. "I'm glad you finally realized it."

"I'll be back in June," you remind. "I'll come back stronger than I've ever been before. I'll be able to do things for myself."

"We'll all be waiting for you. Six months?"

"Six months."

"I can't wait to meet you again in six months."

#lucas #wong yukhei #nct #taeyong #johnny #mark #ten #lee #angst #smut #fluff #oneshot #series #x reader #imagine #reaction #jungwoo #kim #kpop

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dragonshine · 4 years ago

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Ok I was rambling in my prompt tags but I need to talk about post PG Nat because can you imagine—

This kid literally just destroyed his own life and acted from a place of goodness for the first time in YEARS. I don't think it's possible to completely switch mindsets so quickly back to the optimism of his childhood. He may have unearthed his deeper beliefs and acted on them but for a whole bunch of other stuff like...practically everything... Nat is completely unmoored. As John Mandrake there were a very strict set of rules to follow and as long as he followed them he believed it would lead to success (don't be sentimental, demons are evil, don't reveal birthname, act only for yourself...etc) .

But in the span of a day, Nathaniel managed to break almost all of them and sure it was great in the heat of the moment but now that the dust has settled...he has no idea what the right thing to do is. He broke all his old rules...now what? If you bury a part of yourself so deep down that it's practically subconcious and now you try to lean solely on it, do you even know what that is? Who is Nathaniel anyway?

And that's where I think all the fun existential crisis and further character development come in!

I'd love to see poor Nat try and struggle between having no idea what to do and stopping himself from leaning back into old habits. Maybe at first he'll try to swing radically the other way and avoid all mention of his old persona but it's inevitable that some sort of balance needs to be reached otherwise there will be another collapse of some sort as he realizes he can't reach what his idea of "goodness" is.

The Mandrake persona was developed in an very toxic enviroment but is a part of him still. Nat is going to have to figure out and face the part of himself that he hates. He can't keep the pieces of himself seperate forever.

Also there's a lot of trauma to unpack. Kid's been through hell—

(Here I digress into my hundreth Nat trauma analysis)

—Alright and we are back on track.

So yeah a lot of confusion on right and wrong, and also personal desires. I do headcanon that Nat doesn't go back into the government because first of all, it's a traumatic environment and was the cause of all this mess so it's immediately going to be triggering and counterproductive. (I digressed after all, sigh...) And secondly, I headcannon Nat probably wanted to be an artist...it seemed drawing was the only activity he did purely for his own enjoyment in the books. Also, he should take a break and figure himself out, maybe go travel with Kitty and Bart and have his inevitable second nervous breakdown in peace.

#nathaniel underwood #wyv rambles #bartimaeus trilogy #meta #i ...talk a lot...again #bartimaeus sequence #this is a sad nat blog #so you all are getting sad nat things

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sweetjekyll · 4 years ago

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Writerly contemplation tag!

tagged by the lovely @j-pping; thank you for the tag!

this might end up being long so I’ll add a read more cut ☺️

2020

what was the most challenging part of writing this year?

I guess the most challenging part of writing this year was tuning out the real world. I’ve always used reading and writing as a form of coping and escapism from all the things that were troubling me. Unfortunately there were times when simply reading and writing weren’t helping me and I took so many breaks, postponed so many WIPs I was excited about... I ended up beating myself down for not being able to keep up with an expectation I had for myself and my writing. Considering 2020 was hell for everyone, I came to terms with myself that it cannot be always my fault, I can’t blame myself for not being able to do things I set my mind to do, sometimes there are obstacles that take time for you to cross.

I’m just going to quickly mention stressful anons and hopefully get a point across for all fan fictions writers. WE ARE NOT ROBOTS. WE ARE HUMAN. All of us write for many personal reasons, mine are that I just love writing things which I wish to read! Simple as that. What I wish for some rude people to understand is that the least you could do for us creators is be thankful and be kind to us, give feedback and constructive criticism, share our work. I don’t understand why you are scared of the reblog button. When I go through my notes and take a look at some blogs, they are empty. No one is paying us to contribute creatively to the fandom, you are enjoying our content for free while we put hard work and our free time into it, so why should we “hurry up”, “update faster” and “write more/this/that”? Please, remember that we are people too, and the toxicity some people spread on anonymous asks is just incredibly baffling and hurtful to me. If you, as a reader, believe that my request is nonsense and my words are too harsh, then perhaps you should reconsider how you’re viewing content creators before disagreeing without a valid reason.

what was the most enjoyable/rewarding part of writing this year?

The happiness that came from writing something which I enjoyed reading as well! I have been a writer for years on another platform until I had to take a long hiatus because of writer’s block and depression. For how cheesy this may sound, the most enjoyable and rewarding part of writing is in fact writing something that makes me happy even if I’m torturing my characters and traumatizing them. There is truly no point for me to write things that I don’t feel I am enjoying. As I have said other times before on the blog, I would much rather post something that makes me happy, than post something just to get notes from silent readers.

what piece has left the most impact on you and why?

Given the fact that I have not written a lot because of my constant mental health breaks (yes 2020 had me on rollercoaster mental breakdowns more often than usual), I have to say that Damaged is what really kept me entertained with myself and perhaps sane. It has been way too long since I’ve taken on something so creative as building an entire universe from just a dream, but it’s what reminded me why I love writing so much, it reignited my passion. With this story I really wanted to challenge myself to write something unique, something I’ve never done before with any other work... And I admit it’s quite difficult; the easiest part was taking inspiration from EXO’s lore, but the hardest was incorporating it in a universe and storyline completely different to the original concept. It’s something I’m set on finishing as a complete multi-chapter story no matter how long it takes.

what have you learned about yourself through the process of writing in the past year?

To be completely honest, I learned that I can push myself out of my comfort zone when writing, because every piece is a fictional world of its own, every character can be more than a copy and paste personality. What do I truly learn about myself if I don’t explore things I have not thought about before? I learned that I should not be afraid to write of things that I don’t know or fully understand, specifically about things that I didn’t post but tried for just for fun. It is a good way of finding out whether a certain subjects interests me or doesn’t. I love doing lots of research and gather information for the stories I’m writing, you get to learn about stuff you usually would never think about.

how has your writing changed in the past year? how have you grown?

Well, I don’t really have anything to compare my writing to except my older fan fictions for movies and tv shows. I guess I have changed quite a lot since 2018; my writing style has become more fluid, at least I think it has. I’m also able to write longer chapters without feeling as if I am dragging it out for the sake of the word count, yet now I have to literally stop myself from just writing too much! It pleases me, to be honest. I remember struggling to sometimes put ideas into words and balance narrative, dialogue and descriptions.

2021

ignoring your wips for a second, if you had all the time and energy in the world to write your magnum opus piece, what would it be about? why is that the dream story you’d write, all other things controlled for?

This can go back to Damaged, honestly! It’s something that I haven’t finished writing and it will be a long story. It’s the fan fiction which has gotten me out of a 2-year-long writer’s block with such strength, I feel truly attached to it. As I mentioned in one of my first answers for 2020, this is the WIP I want to focus on the most and be proud of it.

how do you want to grow in your writing this year?

I mentioned this is my first 2021 post after I took a short break, but one of my resolutions for this year is to work on self acceptance when it comes to my projects. (I’ll copy and paste what I wrote there so I don’t repeat myself with other words) One of my resolutions for 2021 is to write more, to not be afraid of beginning something and even if I end up setting the story aside, at least I will have gotten it out on (digital) paper. I punish myself way too much when I’m not able to finish something, and that is truly one of the worst things a content creators can go through, in my opinion. I have many drafted works that may or may never be published and I wish to appreciate them more instead of dwelling on the fact of what they could have been.

what’s one thing you’d wish to see in the fan-writing community this year?

I wish for more love and recognition of the amazing and talented writers that share their content with everyone on tumblr. We are a community, or at least we are supposed to be. I would absolutely love to see more readers actively interacting with writers, share ideas, share art inspired by what you read! As readers, you can contribute as well by sharing moodboards, song recommendations and/or playlists! You are more than welcome to join us in the community as writers too!

As for myself, I have mentioned this towards last year but I still want to compile a list of all the writers I am currently following and read their works. I haven’t been in a good mindset to do that for a long time and I wish to get to know them. I’m a pretty shy person who struggles to start up a conversation, so I hope I get to make some friends on tumblr this year!

name one new thing you want to try doing in your writing this year.

I would like to make a list of aus and experiment with them for either one shots or some short series! I have so many creative ideas and thoughts but I always forget to take a note or maybe I’m doing something else and I end up getting caught up in a stream of consciousness, until I lose the initial spark. Also mentioned plenty of times, I would love to write for other groups, like nct, but for now I’ll focus on exo.

✨✨✨

anyway, that was it for my writerly contemplation tag!

I’m tagging a few fellow writers, but feel free to ignore for any reason! sorry if I forgot someone but feel free to do this even if I didn’t tag you!! @pororodks @velvetsehun @yeoldontknow @yeagerluvr @soos-goddess @shaalk @mooneylooney1 @dewbebe

#tag games #writerly contemplation #happy new year btw!!!

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dreamcatcherfication · 5 years ago

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Three’s a Crowd

I hope this fic isn’t absolute trash after the short break from writing I took. In the span of three days I completely forgot how to write and it shows.

But anyway, hello everyone! Anon requested Jane getting jealous because of Aragon being maternal towards Kat, and I loved that prompt. I’m not sure I did it justice, but we’re certainly trying. I really hope this fic is in any sense coherent. Sorry for any spelling/grammatical errors, I forgot how to write and my english is not good now.

And also - I DO NOT CONDONE ANY OF THIS BEHAVIOR! A lot of what happens in this fic includes toxic mindsets and sometimes toxic behavior, and I do not support that in any way. I wanted to do my best to represent how toxic mindsets can affect a person, and how hard it can be to get out of them. That’s why Jane might seem a little OOC, but I did my best to balance everything out.

Writing Masterpost

If you want to send a request or a prompt, my inbox is always open! I publish a story at 8:00 AM PST everyday, so I’m always in need of new ideas. If you want to be tagged in my works, just let me know and I’ll be sure to tag you!

Prompts | More Prompts | The Trifecta of Prompts | Original Prompts

Trigger Warnings: Toxic behavior, toxic mindsets

Jane Seymour didn’t like being busy. Of course she liked to have things to do so she wasn’t wasting time, but being overburdened with work stressed her out far more than she liked. For the past week Jane had been overwhelmed with learning new choreography for the show, and the costume changes, as well as some of her lines being workshopped. It took all of her attention, and Jane started to notice how much less time she was spending with the queens.

There was one particular change in dynamics that Jane was starting to notice. Ever since the queens had grown comfortable with each other, Kat and Jane were almost always by each other’s side. It made sense, with Jane longing for someone to act maternal towards, and Kat lacking any strong maternal figure in her life. The two of them clicked, forming a bond that they both so desperately needed.

But now, Kat was hardly ever around Jane. She wasn’t avoiding Jane, that much was clear, but the teen always seemed busy with someone else. Namely, Catherine of Aragon. It irked Jane to see the two of them so happy together. Internally, she kept telling herself she held no ill will towards Catherine, but she couldn’t help the small seed of rage that festered in her heart every time she saw the two queens together.

Just yesterday, Jane had asked Kat if she wanted to read together. “Sorry Jane, I’m going to the movies with Aragon. She got us these great seats and it’s one of those new, high tech theatres. She’s so cool,” Kat had gushed on.

Jane had to keep repeating that Aragon wasn’t being mean and was perfectly capable and welcome to spend time with Kat. However, in the back of Jane’s mind, she kept thinking Catherine unfit to spend time with Kat. “It’s a toxic mindset,” Jane kept telling herself, trying to push it away.

She started out small, doing little things to regain Kat’s attention. Late at night, Jane had gone to the store to buy a giant box of guylian’s chocolates, Kat’s favorite. The next morning, she left them on the kitchen counter with the note, For Kat, the ten amongst these threes. From Jane.

When Kat walked down the stairs and into the kitchen, Jane held her breath in anticipation. Kat’s eyes drifted over to the chocolates as she frowned in confusion. She made her way over to the box and read the note. Eyes lighting up, Kat turned to Jane with an open mouth. “For me?” she gasped.

Nodding her head, Jane tried to conceal the smile growing on her lips. “Just for you Kat.”

“Oh thank you so much!” Kat hugged Jane tightly to her chest. “Can I have some now?”

Pretending to look around like she was keeping a secret, Jane put a finger to her lips. “Only if you don’t tell the others.”

Kat laughed and waved Jane off. “As if. These are all mine. Thank you Jane, I love you!”

For the first time in a week, Jane’s heart unclenched and she relaxed. Kat still loved her, that was good. That was very good.

The next day, Jane woke up bright and early so that she could be ready to greet Kat when she came down for breakfast. Behold her surprise when Kat was already up and about, fully dressed and wide awake. “Kat, why are you up so early?” Jane asked, still fighting back slight drowsiness. “It’s only 6:30.”

Pulling on a jacket, Kat shrugged. “Aragon’s taking me to this moving carnival that’s set up downtown. She heard about it through Maria and she wanted to take me.”

Like she heard her name, Aragon appeared from the kitchen. She had paper bags filled with food that she was packing into a travel bag. “That’s right, Kat,” she rubbed the girl’s shoulder. “Maria and the other ladies went yesterday and they loved it, so I thought I’d take Kat out for the day.”

“Oh,” Jane’s heart broke a little bit. “That’s nice.”

Aragon flashed her a grin and led Kat to the door. “We’ll be back for dinner Jane, don’t worry.”

Kat waved as they left the room. “Yeah, we’ll tell you all about it!”

The door shut on Jane, her hand half raised in a pitiful goodbye wave. “Bye,” she whispered, her shoulders slouching. She should’ve known it wouldn’t last. Kat wasn’t bound to her, she had her own relationships. That didn’t mean it hurt any less to see her bounding off with Aragon. Was she being replaced? Jane questioned. Had Kat found someone better when Jane wasn’t around and realized she didn’t want her?

Sensibility told Jane it was only insecurity, but she still couldn’t shake it off. If Kat only wanted to spend time with Aragon, how would Jane cope? Would she lose the bond she so desperately tried to build with Kat in the first place?

Setting her face, Jane vowed that she wouldn’t let Aragon destroy her and Kat’s bond. They had something none of the other queens had, and Jane wasn’t about to let that go. The battle was on.

“Hey, Kat,” Jane approached the girl a couple days later.

The teen was on her phone, scrolling through pictures she and Aragon had taken at the carnival. “Hmm?” Kat glanced up, her face brightening when she saw Jane. “Hi Jane.” Before Jane could start talking, Kat cut her off and shoved the phone in her face. “Look at this video I took from the carnival. This guy eats fire and then breaths it out. Isn’t it cool,” she explained.

Watching the video silently, Jane wasn’t paying attention to the guy eating fire. She was listening to the faint dialogue between Kat and Aragon from behind the camera. “How does he do that?” she heard Kat ask.

“A magician never reveals his secrets,” Aragon replied lightly, “and it’s more fun to watch and be amazed.”

Judging by Kat’s gasp, she had agreed. “It would be so cool to be able to do that.”

The camera shook slightly as Aragon came into frame, her eyes twinkling. “Don’t go hurting yourself trying to swallow fire, Kitty, this guy’s a professional.”

Kat’s pout was practically visible through her voice. “Do you really think I would hurt myself trying to eat fire?”

Shrugging goodnaturedly, Aragon leaned back out of frame. “I think you listen to your cousin too much sometimes. I’m not saying that I don’t trust you, but I am saying it’s not unlike you and Anne to try and eat fire because it looks cool.”

The video ended along with Jane’s good mood. How could Kat be so enraptured by Aragon? She and Jane had those conversations millions of times, why would she be having it with Aragon now? “Forget about that,” Jane tried to cover her annoyance with giddiness, “Because I’ve got something better planned.”

Raising her eyebrow in interest, Kat leaned forward. “What could be better than someone eating fire?”

“I dunno…” Jane teased Kat, “maybe the private animal shelter will suffice?”

Practically jumping to her feet, Kat dropped her phone, completely forgetting about the video. “No way! But you have to make appointments with them, Anna and I have been trying for months, how -”

Jane cut her off. “I pulled a couple strings, don’t worry about it. I know how much you wanted to see them, so it’s all worth it.”

“When do we get to go?” Kat prodded, bouncing on her feet.

Jane’s heart sped up when she saw the pure happiness in Kat’s eyes. “As soon as you’re ready.”

The animal shelter itself was huge, although there weren’t many people throughout. It was a private shelter and the owners required a considerable ‘donation’ for patrons to be allowed to come play with the animals even if they weren’t interested in buying. It was a lot of money Jane was required to pay, but she would do it a thousand times over in order to keep Kat happy.

Kat was fawning over the dogs as Jane stood behind her. There was a small, fluffy white dog that kept jumping into Kat’s lap and attacking her with its tongue. A bunch of other dogs swarmed her feet, causing Kat to giggle. Restraining herself from sneezing, Jane couldn’t help the swell of accomplishment in her chest. Kat loved it, and that’s what mattered.

The fur that was gathering around Jane irritated her skin, turning it red, but she ignored her discomfort. Jane didn’t care about her allergy to dogs and to fur, and she would continue to hide it from Kat. The teen was so happy with Jane, she wouldn’t ruin it. “Jane,” Kat called her attention. “Isn’t she so cute,” Kat held up the white dog to Jane, prompting her to pet it. Carefully stroking the dog’s fur, Jane prayed that a sneezing fit wouldn’t overcome her.

“She’s lovely, dear,” Jane agreed, stepping away from the dog as soon as Kat was satisfied.

Setting the dog down, Kat pulled Jane into a hug. Melting into the teen’s embrace, Jane couldn’t help a sigh of relief. This was all she wanted. “Thank you Jane,” Kat murmured. “I love you.”

That’s all Jane needed to hear, once again. The only thing she wanted out of any of this. So Jane contented herself to watch as Kat sat back on the ground and returned her attention to the dogs.

By now, Jane was sure she had won. How could Aragon compete when Jane had taken Kat to an exclusive animal shelter to play with the dogs she loved so much? At this rate, all of Jane’s worries would be for naught and Kat would always love her. All of this would fade into a little bubble in the past and things would be back how they should be.

That was until Jane heard talking coming from Kat’s room. Immediately standing up, Jane went to investigate. Chances were it was only Anne talking with her cousin, but Jane still had to know if there was something she was missing. Opening Kat’s door, Jane carefully peeked in to see what was going on.

In the center of the room stood Aragon, a small crate of stuffed animals in her hands. Kat was standing in front of her, sorting through the stuffed animals with wide eyes. “There’s so many,” Kat glanced up at Aragon, “how much did this cost?”

“Money’s not important. You were telling me about how much you loved the dogs at the shelter Jane took you to, so I knew you’d like these too. Think of it as a way to have them with you all the time.” Aragon spoke softly, her hand carefully brushing some hair away from Kat’s face.

A pit grew in Jane’s stomach. That was something she did with Kat. Not something Aragon did, something Jane did. It was her special thing, why -

Jane had to cut herself off. She kept berating herself internally for getting so caught up with this. All the queens were close, it wasn’t against any rules for Aragon to care for Kat. Aragon wasn’t a bad person, Jane knew that. But she kept wanting to believe that she was better than Aragon, and that she should be the one giving Kat gifts. This… this wasn’t the status quo.

Tuning back in, Jane watched as Kat took the crate from Aragon’s arms and beamed as wide as her face would allow. “I love them Catherine, I love you.”

And that was the last straw for Jane.

The next day, Jane had a surprise for Kat. If this didn’t win her over for good, she didn’t know what would. Aragon and Kat had gone out together for lunch, and the other queens were off doing who-knows-what. Jane was prepared, and she would wait in front of the door for as long as it took for Kat to show up.

Silently, Jane stared at the door. She knew she shouldn’t be doing this, she knew it was wrong. But knowing you have a problem and being able to fix it are two different things. The only way she knew to get rid of this deep ache in her chest was to win. To win Kat’s affection, to win her attention, and to win her love. This girl was like her daughter, and she wasn’t going to let Aragon take that from her.

The door opened, bringing with it lively conversation. “Nando’s never fails,” Aragon laughed, herding Kat into the room. “But you shouldn’t order so much if you aren’t going to eat it.”

“Oh come on,” Kat rolled her eyes, “how else are we going to get leftovers for days? I’ve picked up on a life hack or two, you know.” Kat stopped speaking when she noticed Jane watching her. “Hey Jane,” she waved. Aragon and Kat stood in confusion at Jane’s still figure.

“Is everything alright?” Aragon was slightly put off by the other queen’s iciness.

“Yes, just fine,” Jane replied. “I have something for you Kat.”

Warily, Kat approached Jane and sat down next to her. There was something clearly wrong with Jane, and Kat was quite aware of it. “What is it?” she asked.

Reaching under her legs, Jane pulled out a small cage. She opened it, and out popped the small white dog Kat had been playing with at the shelter. Kat and Aragon gasped, both surprised at the furry creature’s appearance. “Jane... I…” Kat was unsure what to say.

“I got her for you, I know how much you loved playing with her,” Jane encouraged Kat to take the dog. Nervously, Kat obliged, picking up the animal.

Aragon frowned and made her way over to Jane. “It’s a sweet gesture and all, but Jane, you know we don’t have any way to support a dog right? We’re going to have to return her.”

“Yeah, and as much as I love her, wasn’t she already adopted by another family?” Kat recalled.

Batting off the concern, Jane inched away from the dog, her skin already turning red. “Nothing a little payment couldn’t fix. Besides, you liked her, so it was worth it.”

Still, Aragon was unconvinced. “Jane, just because Kat likes the dog doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to buy it.”

Standing up, Jane snarled, “Just because Kat likes animals doesn’t mean you have to buy her a crate full of them.” She then recoiled, realizing what her voice sounded like. “I - I.”

“Stop it!” Kat set the dog down and stepped away from Jane and Aragon. “Why are you fighting?”

“We’re not fighting,” Aragon assured Kat, taking a step towards her.

Scoffing, Kat moved away from them. “Maybe it doesn’t seem like it, but I’ve noticed. As soon as one of you does something nice, the other has to one up them. I don’t need all these gifts.”

“But you want them,” Jane added hopefully.

Shaking her head, Kat crossed her arms. “I want to spend time with you. Both of you. Together, if that’s even possible. You two have been at odds for the past week and I’m sick of it. I’ve tried to ignore it and enjoy the good things, but I can’t anymore. Why is it so hard to accept that I want to spend time with both of you?”

“Because I was here first?” Jane offered. “You’ve always wanted to spend time with me, Kat.”

Aragon tried to put herself in front of Jane. “Because I’m here when she isn't. Why keep going back to Jane when I’m always here for you.”

Biting her lip, Kat couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “Do you two even listen to yourselves? This is so stupid. I don’t want you fighting over me.” Moving to round the couch and make a clean getaway to the stairs, Kat shot the two of them a disappointed glare. “I can’t spend time with either of you, not like this.”

“Kat!” Jane called her before the girl could disappear. “Aren’t you supposed to say you love me?” It was something she had become so used to hearing Kat say to her at the end of every conversation.

Shaking her head once more, Kat turned away. “I’m not sure I can say that truthfully right now.” Then she was gone, the closing over her bedroom door echoing throughout the house a moment later.

Jane turned to Aragon and they both glared at each other. “You’ve been doing it too, huh,” Jane broached, her voice defensive.

“I’ve only been trying to make sure she knows I care about her,” Aragon argued, crossing her arms.

“No,” Jane accused, “You’ve been using her to satisfy your own need to be a mother.”

“Well you’ve been doing it for longer than I have.”

Clicking her tongue, Jane sat down on the couch next to the dog. “Maybe I have. But I can’t stop. It’s the best feeling in the world, like a - like a -”

“Like a drug,” Aragon filled in. “I know.” She gave up and sat next to Jane. “You know what it’s like when Kat smiles at you better than anyone. And once she started looking at me that way…”

“You couldn’t let it go,” Jane added on. “I know,” she swallowed, “I know you aren’t a bad influence. I’m sorry I’ve been treating you like one. I don’t know how to get used to Kat seeing someone else the same way she sees me. Kat’s like my daughter.”

Aragon nodded, leaving the two queens in silence. “It might be a little weird at first,” Aragon broke the quiet air, “But we could try, maybe, spending time with Kat together? Like she said, it doesn’t have to be one or the other.”

Some defiant part of Jane still wanted to resist. She wanted to be the only one, she wanted things to be the way they were before Aragon entered the picture. But for once, Jane took a step towards fixing her mindset. “Let’s do it. If it’ll make things better, then let’s do it.”

In a moment of awkwardness, the two queens stared at each other, unsure of what to do next. Aragon stuck out her hand, hoping for Jane to seal the deal. Jane took the hand and the two of them shook on their agreement.

---------------------------------------------

Tag List:

@radcowboyalmondtree @boleynhowards @annabanana2401 @babeebobo @dont-lose-your-queerhead @everything-insanity @mindless-pidgeon @i-wanna-dance-and-sing-six @thedemidisaster @its-totes-gods-will @thatbolxyngirl @thenameisnoone @sixqueendom

#six the musical fanfiction #six the musical fanfic #six the musical fic #six fanfiction #six fanfic #sixfic #jane seymour #katherine howard #catherine of aragon #tw: toxic mindsets #tw:toxic behavior #i tried to do this as respectfully and accurately as possible #i don't know how well it turned out #hopefully not super terrible #i just realized how much i hate resolving things #i always keep my endings open ended #which probably annoys the hell out of you guys #but that's my thing so #i guess you'll have to roll with it

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thelagomlifestyle · 4 years ago

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21 Healthy Habits And Goals To Incorporate In 2021

2020 was quite exhausting to be very frank both mentally and physically. For some, it was a chance to learn something new, slow down and focus on themselves but for others, it was mentally exhausting to the point that it led to laziness, procrastination, and delay in work without a proper routine.

In this blog post, we are going to cover 21 healthy habits and goals to maintain a balanced lifestyle.

I want each and everyone to take it slow and not put too much pressure to achieve all these goals at once because it takes time to build a habit.

All I want to say ‘Do not give up’

One and a half months have already passed and during the new year a lot of us must have set some resolutions for ourselves like we do every year.

Most of us are still going strong and that’s great but for those who feel like they are not able to keep up with their resolutions ‘It’s completely okay, you can still start’.

1) Prioritize Your ME Time

Having ME time is an important part of our daily life be it at night for a few hours after work or maybe on weekends when you have the whole day to yourself.

Watch your favourite Netflix show, take a nice shower, create a skincare routine wherein you pamper yourself by scrubbing, a nice face pack, and a face mask, eat whatever you feel like on weekends (cheat day), light a scented candle to uplift your mood

Try this scented candle which not only smells amazing but is super affordable at the same time. It instantly lift up your mood.

I have used their Rose, Ocean and Jasmine fragrance and it feels so good when you light up and listen to music or read a book. I mean there must be a lot of things you feel like doing but you can’t prioritize yourself throughout the week, these are just a few examples above.

I would suggest making the most out of your ME time.

2) Eat Nutritious Meals

Try to add fruits and vegetables to your diet.

I am not a fan of dieting at all and I try to eat homemade food throughout the week and have a cheat day on weekends just to balance out

Honestly, it is impossible to have too much homemade food or too much junk, we need to balance out.

One thing which I need to focus on this year is to include fruits in my diet because I eat less fruits and it’s not that I don’t like them but I just don’t know the reason.

Maybe I am too lazy to eat fruits

Anyways, include green vegetables in your meal throughout the week and fruits as well as it’s going to be good for your health, skin and also for your digestive system.

3) Drink More Water

I just can’t focus on how important it is to drink water.

It might sound basic but remember basics are the hardest to incorporate.

I know everybody knows the importance of drinking water but I would still like to state a few:

It keeps your skin healthy

Removes body waste

Improves digestion

Improves blood circulation

There are tons of other advantages but I have mentioned a few basic ones here.

A tip: Carry a water bottle with you wherever you go and refill after a few hours in case you are like me and feel lazy to go to the kitchen and get water.

4) Journaling

This is something that I started last year during lock down when things started getting pretty exhausting mentally and I wanted something to brain dump all my thoughts.

Journaling requires you to be true to yourself and be as transparent with your thoughts as possible.

There is no one to judge you, it’s just you and your diary.

Also, journaling helps you feel mentally relaxed and lets you reflect on certain situations and dilemmas going on in your life.

5) Schedule Your Sleep

My 2021 goal is to have a proper sleep cycle because 2020 has worsened my sleep schedule.

I used to sleep at 2 or 3 am most of the days in 2020 because of lack of motivation.

Get 7-8 hours of sleep in a flow and sleep early so that you can wake up on time.

It is going to make you look fresh in the morning instead of getting puffy eyes when you wake up. Also, it affects your health.

I am telling you all this because I have been there and it did affect my health and my face used to look super dull.

I am trying to improve my sleep schedule and trying to wake up early. Of course, it is going to take time but you have to be persistent.

6) Spending Time In Nature

If you want peace and need to calm your thoughts then being close to nature is the perfect answer.

It helps you reduce stress and increase your happiness.

Last year we were locked inside our homes and nobody was allowed to go outside.

Now that things are getting back to normal try to spend as much time in nature as possible.

Go to parks near your place, plan trips where you can be close to nature or maybe put as many plants as you want in your house.

7) Make Your Bed As Soon As You Wake Up

It is a good habit to make your bed as soon as you wake up as it prevents you from getting back to bed instantly and also reduces mental stress

Imagine you come back after work to a cluttered bed I am sure it is going to exhaust you mentally and now imagine if you come home to a nice, clean bed you will feel so relaxed.

So make sure you make your bed as soon as you wake up.

8) Social Media Detox

We all need a break from social media from time to time.

I mean there is no point in endlessly scrolling your feed and wasting your time and energy.

Social media is also one of the major reasons for procrastination.

Only follow people who inspire you and avoid following people who make you feel bad about yourself and fill you with negative or toxic thoughts.

Do not let anyone or anything question your identity.

Consciously, start giving your precious time to your friends and family instead of unnecessarily being on social media.

Set a specific time you want to use social media or set a limit.

9) Read Books

To be honest, I was never a big fan of reading books until last year when of course there was a lock down and we were trying to learn something new or build a nice habit.

That was the time I started reading books and the book that I read was a self-help one which changed my perspective to perceive life to a whole new level

The book is written by VEX KING named – GOOD VIBES, GOOD LIFE.

If you haven’t read this book please read it. It is an amazing one.

Written in simple language and something which is guaranteed to change your mindset.

I somehow love this new habit and I try my best to read a book daily for 20-30 min either in the morning or before sleeping.

You know until last year I was in no position to guide you why reading books is a good habit but now I am pretty sure that I am in a position to tell you.

It enhances your creativity, increases your knowledge and you know knowledge is never wasted.

You can use a kindle or paperback version, whatever you feel comfortable with. I prefer paperback so that I can be away from the screen for a few minutes.

10) Celebrate Small Wins

It is important to celebrate small wins in your life instead of being harsh on yourself.

Celebrating small wins will make you feel motivated to grow more in life and make you feel good about yourself.

11) Prioritize Meditation

Start by meditating 10-15 minutes each day if you are just starting out but I would say START.

There are a number of apps like Headspace, Calm, or Youtube where you can follow a guided meditation.

It is going to calm your mind and let you sit in stillness and reflect on your thoughts and emotions.

12) Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries should be given priority in life.

Do not entertain anything which makes you feel uneasy.

Also, learn to say NO when you don’t feel like doing a certain thing.

I know I know it is not easy to say NO to a lot of people and I am one of them.

I always feel like I am going to hurt the other person without realizing that the thing is being done at the expense of my happiness.

Another important thing, communicate with people and let them know if you don’t like a certain situation so that they know there is a thin boundary that they should not cross.

13) Being Productive/Organized

Okay, being organized is something that I suck at and I feel like I am telling you guys about so many weaknesses of mine.

But like so many of you I am also trying to be a better version of myself.

I really need to start planning a day or week ahead to stay productive in life because I am really bad at planning things

This is the reason I end up completing most of my tasks at the eleventh hour.

This is something that I need to focus on in 2021 so that I can make the most out of it.

Plan monthly tasks related to work or set weekly or monthly goals or plans. There are a lot of things you can do to stay organized.

Use either a dairy to write your to-do list or if you can then buy a productivity planner to keep you organized. There are so many productivity apps out there as well.

14) Get Therapy Or Consult A Counsellor

This is a serious topic which I need everybody to take seriously.

IT IS TOTALLY OKAY TO CONSULT A THERAPIST IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE SUFFOCATING FROM WITHIN

Do not care if anybody is trying to judge you because it’s your lie and nobody has the right to judge you in this matter.

Most people don’t normalize going to a therapist which I feel is so wrong.

It is so difficult for people to tell that they are seeing a therapist

Why?

People think anybody visiting a therapist is either crazy or has serious mental problems.

Especially after last year which took a toll on a lot of people’s mental health we need to accept the fact that it’s fine if we seek help.

I mean we all need help at some point or the other in our lives and there are certain things we do not find comfortable to share with our closed ones.

The fact is now it’s time to change our thought process and focus on our mental health more.

Normalize saying “I am visiting a therapist”

15) Slow Down And Give Yourself A Break

Last year became the year we all were forced to slow down in our lives.

Things didn’t go as planned and life became a bit complicated in a lot of ways.

We got so much time in our hands to self-reflect and learn so much about ourselves.

Instead of rushing through this year try to take things slow and take each day at a time.

I am in no sense asking you guys to not be productive, all I am saying is don’t put too much pressure on yourself or do not overestimate your goals.

Take one task at a time and give your best at it.

16) Create A Thin Line Between Spending And Saving

I mentioned this point in one of my previous posts where I mentioned how important it is to save money and not to spend it on unnecessary things.

Things you only desire but don’t need.

Again last year taught us the importance of saving money because when so many people were unemployed they relied on their savings.

Make a point to save as much as possible this year and in the coming year because life is so uncertain, you never know what is going to happen next.

17) Invest In Yourself

Invest in yourself means this year make a point to learn a lot of new things be it new courses or seminars, maybe a good workout or reading a new book, listening to a podcast.

Spending your time and money on something which will help you grow into a better person is the best choice you can make.

It’s good to unlearn and learn in life. Also, it’s a fact that knowledge is never wasted.

18) Stay Away From Toxic People

Stay around quality people because that’s the best gift you can give yourself.

Also, that is a sign of self-love.

I read an amazing post of Steven Bartlett on Instagram wherein he says

“Being selective about how you spend your time and who you spend your time with is a sign of self-respect.” – Steven Bartlett

19) Practice Gratitude

One of the healthy habits which we tend to ignore is practicing gratitude.

Practicing gratitude is like a continuous journey which makes you feel good about life and gives a positive perspective altogether.

There are a number of ways you can practice gratitude – by keeping a gratitude journal, gratitude prayer and being kind.

I have written a detailed post on how effective practicing gratitude is for your mental health.

20) Declutter Your Surroundings

A decluttered space brings you positive vibes and a clear mental state as well.

Take some time out daily for 15 minutes to clean your space especially on weekends so that throughout the week you don’t have to stress too much over cleanliness.

At least make your bed daily in the morning as soon as you wake up.

21) Stop Being Afraid Of Failure & START

Failure is something which can paralyze your thought process and you are so afraid to start anything which makes you feel uncomfortable.

Start taking baby steps and do not worry about the results. Focus on learning new things throughout the journey.

Also, remember it is okay to fail because at the end of the day you got to learn something new.

If you don’t start anything which makes you feel uncomfortable you won’t ever come out of your comfort zone. Also, you never know when these small steps can give you big results.

Words From The Lagom Lifestyle:

It’s high time we need to focus on ourselves and take care of our mental health.

Don’t be in a rush to take up all the goals together and go on with one at a time.

You have a full year to try these new habits and enjoy the process. Take things slowly and do not rush anything.

You might feel these are so basic points that I have mentioned but trust me sometimes the basics are the hardest to keep up with.

All the best for this New Year. I wish we could have the courage and move towards our dream life

Lots of Love, Sejal

#motivation #healthylifestyle #goals #reading goals #goalsetting #journaling #inspiration #setboundaries #drink water #you can do this #2021

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