#.....i wish i could just sleep forever
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#i feel disgusting#i feel awful and bad and. helpless#and so very weak#.........i was doing well cleaning for a little while and now suddenly its like nothing mattered#ive been out of laundry for a week I've done laundry once in the last 2 months#showers take a week or even more#trash keeps piling up dishes take so long#and i just....sit here#.....it all hurts#......everything hurts so fucking much all the time and i do need help but#how the fuck do you ask a friend to do your laundry for you what the fuck kind of ask is that#............i feel so pathetic#im so tired.....#.....i wish i could just sleep forever
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never in my life have i wanted a Daddy more than i do rn 😭
#personal#i'm going to ramble and drop it all in the tags#i'd like to have a pity party for myself thanks#the election?#fucked i've just been scrambling for a week now to prepare for the worst that feels like it's rapidly approaching#vaccines updated birth control bought out stockpile of food started passport appointments made tasers and protective gear purchased#banned books put on a wishlist#the holidays?#trying to make them enjoyable instead of so so so triggering#husband's new job?#barely home he's barely home i feel like a solo parent#i'm absolutely drowing at home mainly alone with two toddlers who have found their spirit and resilience and attitude...#the new house?#we've been fighting we are not vibing it's taking forever for me to feel in love with it#we do not get along rn lol#writing? personal time? self care? nonexistent i have no time alone during the day and then i spend the two hours i have to myself at night#fighting sleep and doing nothing#took a shower today and when i got out my eyelash line started burning and then my eyes were burning and then my nose was running and#then my eyes were watering and i could barely open them and goop started building and then they were SWOLLEN to the point where i could see#the muscles bulging and then i couldn't move them left or right#so i drove I DROVE myself to the urgent care#turns out my water has way too much chlorine in it and now that i've started taking hot as fuck and steamy showers it's just made me#susceptible to severe allergic reactions to chlorine?#it's been horrible my eyes are so sore now and they're just now not sopping in goop#and yeah#just...#i live the same day every day and i'm spiraling and drowning and about to go off the rails while also trying to SUCK THE JOY out of the las#month we have before democracy crumbles so#i just wish i had a Daddy to take care of me and tell me things are going to be okay 😭#preferably a Big Daddy that would let me sleep for days and would bring me food and let me hug and snuggle on him and not talk
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goodnight
#going to sleep now#styes up to late#i dont want to tomorrow 😞#i wish i could sleep forever#everythings just dumb😞 for always
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woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.
#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void#shits rough dawg#I know it’s rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. still… compelled to vent… big butts#haven’t really been on here much since it hasn’t really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier#it’s cold#saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early.#and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed.#went down the road and got a soda and I’ve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours#guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left#even though I know I’d love to just… talk to someone. I suppose it has to be ‘on my terms’ whatever those are#I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh#my insurance is still a mess and I’m about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week#maybe I’ll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. just… pop! and I’m done.#I’ll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting#woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if it’s just right outside#hate to say it but I need(want) thc. haven’t wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning#can’t be sad if you can’t feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding)#actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but it’s drugs food or movie right now. so…#I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe it’ll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience#anyway… I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments#I’ve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired.#I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die.#is this relatable?#just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda.#gonna look at pictures of butts now#ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever#you can ignore this#text
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has anyone considered the fact that im the most tired boy in the world.
#chemi chats#just have to finish coloring this. just have to finish coloring this...#wish i could finish more art but ALAS!! its all half done sketches forever </3#wish i could finish more ANYTHING really i am eyeing my fic wips in the next tab over.#no voli the art. the art you're working on coloring. focus until completion please and thank you.#okay almost done. then afterwards sleep time babey. my hips are doing that thing where they are. bad!! lmao...#love seeing my mutuals hello my mutuals i love you im glad to see you <3#OKAY COLORING'S DONE. ITS DONE PROBABLY. i dont want to work on this anymore so its done now.#it would look better with a dark background but i'd have to refix all the colors and aurghhh. whateber!!#alt text and tags left okayyyy signing off on this post now o7
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(okay, I don't want this website to stay broken and struggle under big daddy apple's boots, so I thought i'd see if they had any goodies for decorating my blog that I liked... and oh my god the moon badge is neat and the little bone guy is so cute. I guess i'll finally retire the funny checkmarks because they ruin THE VIBE of moonbones)
#I am a sucker for cute decoration so yeah i'll buy that#I do wish we could have animated avatars again (again right?)#i'm not losing my mind they used to be able to animate right?#that could be a tumblr sub perk tho#do it kinda like discord nitro I guess#I really recall being able to have an animated icon but maybe i'm thinking of deviant art#I had my pixel chibi that painted bees made for me as my main blog icon forever and recall it animating#anyway i'd have (NAME REDACTED FOX) animate if I could#maybe discord nitro's sub plan is something worth looking at idk#anyway I just wanted to say MOONBONES is cute#I will go draw now#i've got a couple of asks in my inbox too#will get to them shortly#I already flipped my sleep schedule back around#be proud of me I work so hard to make my sleep behave
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Recent misc pictures
#image 1 - sky of course.. beautiful clouds time. Image 2 - steak and scrambled eggs with a mushroom spinach sautee sort of thing#and an apple fritter (all cooked at home of course except for the apple fritter... still wishing I could ever get food out or have it made#for me so I don't have to do the effort of making it all myself.. it just tastes better sometimes when you're in a relaxed state eating#it rather than a 'just stood in the kitchen for 1hr' state lol). Image 3 - nice gray clouds with the sun through them.#Image 4 - 4 tiny gyoza type things with a tiny Diet Restriction Friendly size portion of iced coffee and a starshaped ice cube#Images 5 - 7 - these interesting flowers I came across whilst walking on a trail. I think the way they grow is cool. And that the buds of#them are so fluffy and such. Image 8 - 9 -- more stinky word counts... aughhh...... Trying to plan a full timeline of when#I might actually finish the game and I'm estimating currently like July 2025 as an insanely optimistic ideal and October 2025 as my very#late one. So likely somewhere in between. Or even later if something happens as things tend to do (computer explodes. etc)#Both are HOT months for oregon so I guess that's what started me off thinking and dwelling on the passage of time and the weather.. grrr#I wish I could be done with it tomorrow or something and then just relax and play sims all winter knowing my work is done lol#But I feel like the impending summer (as well as many other impending societally threatening things) give me too much urgency to be like#WAUGh i need to get this done NOWWW.. But I still wish I could relax and enjoy the winter a litttle. eugh... ANYWAY. I did finish the#discord for the game but I still don't know if I'll use that. I need to work more on the game itself and the itch.io page. But then also#I should probably talk about it or try to cultivate a small base of people (like a discord) who actually care about it and could become#future playtesters so I have that all ready well before the game actually is done so I needn't scramble at the last minute.. If I were#smart. and had social skills. and had energy (< has none of these things). So inevitably who knows if shall be able to muster any such feat#At least I'm getting like.. some words done.. some days. I am making progress. It's just never good enough considering the circumstances#(< looming instability and time passing in what feels like a very fast manner). ANYWAY.. lol... Image 10 - recent game of Price#Is Right Plinko Pegs my beloved game which I return to to play like maybe 2 rounds of once every 5 months... one day I shall win... Though#I'm incresingly uncertain if there even IS a last level. Or if its designed to go on forever/make you fail at a point to keep you playing..#Last two images - CLOUDS again. A very cloud heavy photo diary this time it seems lol#Also trying to: - post a few more costumes from drafts. - make new friend survey thing. - edit videos - make a sculpture. - set up#things to actually sell sculptures. - doctors appointments. - pack up things to possibly move before the summer to an apartment which#will still not have central AC but maybe at least is not west facing (so gets direct sun hottest part of the day and is a greenhouse)#Life is a constant revolving to do list with occasional sleep & looking at clouds in between.. (sigh)(pauses)(slightly more whimsical sigh)#photo diary
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#i don't want to see 2025.#i don't want to experience any of it. every year is the same and it's all going to end badly because it's never ended well#what's the point. nothing will ever actually make me happy im just going to get worse and worse and sadder and sadder#im just going to spiral inwards forever over nothing and one day it'll finally be enough to kill me#im so tired of this. im so tired in general. i can't sleep and i can't be awake and every moment is painful and exhausting.#wish i could just curl up and die
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i think if i continue to be sick i'll go insane. Oh please let having a horrible end to 2024 mean that 2025 will be good
#honestly most of this year has been pretty okay. i just feel like shit this whole past month#summer 2024 and december 2024 worst. october and november were best.#i dont trust myself or the world enough to believe i'll be able to live a good life away from this house#im so sick and depressed and just. odd in the head. not sleeping much. partially due to the fact i can barely breathe bc of my fucking sinus#oh who am i kidding. having trump in office when im 19 trying to find my footing in the world is gonna suck total ass. not to mention im#pretty much directionless. i cant drive and i dont want to either. i want to go back to carolina i wish i could buy a camper and live there#with jonny and my cats forever just parked there.#unfortunately thats not how things work
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Desire to escape reality is getting stronger with each passing day.
#venting#reality is overrated#dissociation#wish I could just sleep forever#lucid dreaming#depression#overwhelmed
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wailing at the sky I'm tired ! ! ! ! ! !
#just me hi#ik i'm testy rn and i should take a nap but ouuhhrrr#consistently on drives i've been just. dropping energy like nothing#like on the way to wherever i'm good i'm floating it's great. but then on the way back it's just. Bleugh kfshv#and then my legs get tired cuz i can't stretch !! i'm dyinggg out here#hate being tired. hate being sleepy. wish i could banish the neepy forever tbh#however the awesome embrace of sleep is pretty good so i guess it's a trade i'll have to be content with. sigh#wah. blah. bloo. ouhrr#//anyway let me tell you abt smth really nice now hfhvbsh :>#so i was just sitting down last night doing.. smth i don't rember lol and my youngest siblings come over like ':3 we have something for you#which is immediately suspicious and i was measuring the level of child-safe violence they were going to be subjected to lmao; but i asked#what it was and they handed me this little paper bag full of little bracelets and beads and hair clippies ????#and the bag said 'we appreciate your existence' And had oath's little symbol on the front dude are you KIDDING ME#if it wasn't for the fact i did not want to scare them i would have cried. it was very very sweet and i wish i wasn't so flat irl kfvshg#there were 2 bracelets n one of them says 'space buddy' (tears in funkin eyes) and the other one says 'pink space'#'pink space' has the 'ace' part highlighted Do You Understand What They've Done To Me#dude. dude. [<- big wet eyeballs staring at the horizon]#i need to like. hbwauhhhhhhhh#i love them so ??? i need to explode them asap lmfshvg#/anyway putting this here cuz i don't wanna forget kfhghfs#i don't think leo reads these tags so Lmaoo 💥 get 'Unknowing of Things'ed loser#//okey i'm gonna go melt into a puddle of ice cream now#oouuuu here i go... toodles lol :3
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#having an awful awful horrible really awful week#partner of four years and I broke up I guess??#i don’t even know how to process I thought we were going to be together forever#it’s fire when I breathe and I can’t sleep#I still have to go to work and go about life regularly and everyone treats it like just another day#I have no friends and am so depressed#why did this have to happen I was so happy with him#I’m actually heartbroken and do not know how to cope#worst week of my job also like why couldn’t it have waited#I don’t know what to do#just me and my dog now I guess#we still live together but he hasn’t talked to me yet#I wish I could be everything he wanted and needed
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#sometimes i find the degree to which i cannot concentrate very alarming#like bro i canno read. i have so much to do but i wanna sleep forever#i just have to get up and go somewhere else. normally id go transfer algae or run but im stuck inside and .y fingers r all cold#usually its just in the morning that I get thr high distress so its prob the meds#but yesterday was kinda fucked. ugh.i just need to run around but i cant#i have such a sinister combo of: brain stops me from being able to b productive and if im not productive i am compelled to do horrible#things. mood issues and 0cd is horrible. horrible feedback loop#i just wish i could breathe. itll b fine. eventually itll b summer again and itll b fine#its like someone's squeezing my throat. like im sick but i kno its just that im anxious#i was doing so well the past few days in terms of reading and productivity despite the distress#and im trying to b kind and roll with the punches but its so hard#like i kno i need to relax and not resist bc resistance makes it worse but it's just hard and im worried this is how itll always b#i wish i could go back on lamicta1. i felt way better on low dose of that then i do on low dose of abi1ify. its so hard to stay on this#just bc of how my head works. and like things were complicated with the lamicta1. maybe i wouldnt habe had a reaction if i didnt get a#tatto0 while upping the dose but now im marked as allergic so i prob wont b allowed to try any of thr anti convulsive type antidepressants#ugh. i hate this. its so frustrating#unrelated
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I love to talk but I rly do feel like we have to be talking for a minimum of 8 hours straight before I feel like I can even begin to rly broach things on my mind or that have been bothering me a lot that I actually want to talk abt without being vague or deflecting or omitting or lying and if the conversation takes a break at any point it resets back to 0 and its still nice regardless but.
#we're all just desperately chasing each other around for a semblance of connection in this cold bleak world#but unfortunately due to the relentless crushing pressures of capitalism we also have to work so no time for that#man. sorry just frustrated n miserable now. wish i was capable of feeling close to other ppl wish i could give other ppl that connection#but instead we're just ships in the night passing by or whatever#and i have to settle with not rly being known or wanted or important in other ppls lives and its forever. btw#bc even if ppl do think they know me or do want me around or i am important to them in some way.. the specific torture labyrinth i call#home is constructed in the most elegant and precise way that im incapable of believing them to be sincere anyway#so thats all on me! if I tried harder and made more of an effort to communicate with or trust ppl i wouldnt feel this way!#but i dont so better luck in the next life i guess! this is why i dont think abt this shit bc it makes me want to kms#whats even the point man#dont even worry abt me im fine just need to fucking vent bc i dont have time to allow myself to feel anything bc i have plans tmr#so i need to go to bed early. and ill just try my best to keep distracted forever so ill never need to face how pathetically desperate#i am for any kind of emotional intimacy whatsoever and also physical contact but im not normal enough to fulfil any of my own needs#yeah well. its my life that i have to live and im the one making it this way. digging my grave and lying in it innit#its fine tho bc they make repressed fictional characters that i can project onto instead of confronting any of my issues#so ill just be here in my labyrinth doing that. while everyone else gets to see sunlight and grass and whatever#im just so tired i dont want to do this i want to pretend i dont care and dont need it and maybe itll become true. its too much for me#let me know when they need me to pilot the jaeger and drift with someone and thru our mindmelding i can finally achieve intimacy and trust#well anyway. that was embarrassing. hope it works out for everyone else#hope my flatmate gets her ideal life w our other old flatmates and finds a convenient way of discarding me from that like they want#except im going to make it as difficult as possible for as long as i can for them to get rid of me bc im selfish and want what i want so.#my obligate parasite ass. or whatever. im going to throw up if i keep thinking so thats a good place to stop and go to sleep probably#.vent#dont interact im being stupid as fuck and dont care just leave me alone thanks
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It’s hard being a sleepy boy in this Be Productive 24/7 Or Eat Shit And Die world
#vent in the tags#I wish I had the energy to stay awake as long as everybody else#I wish I didn’t have to take naps either#I wish I could sleep 8 hours straight and not fucked up choppy 3-4 hour intervals#I wish I wasn’t so tired all the damn time#*someone interrupts my nap just as I’m finally falling asleep* ‘whatever you have all night to sleep’#no the fuck I don’t 😭#I do my homework well into the night and then it takes forever to fall asleep and then I wake up a couple hours later anyway#and wait until I’m sleepy again and pray I can get some more sleep before my alarm goes off#I got like 3 hours total the other night and was a zombie throughout the day#I’m not lazy I’m perpetually exhausted jfc no wonder I’m so moody all the damn time
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its always "i need more"
and never
thankyou for giving me more than you already had
#im just so fucking tired of everything and i wish i could sleep forever#or atleast a few months or smth#i dont know what im doing anymore#jpe.txt#tw sui ideation#my work#poems and quotes#dark poetry#poems on tumblr#poemsbyme#poets corner#prose poetry#dark acadamia#actually bpd#bpd vent
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