#be proud of me I work so hard to make my sleep behave

[bleaksqueak]

(okay, I don't want this website to stay broken and struggle under big daddy apple's boots, so I thought i'd see if they had any goodies for decorating my blog that I liked... and oh my god the moon badge is neat and the little bone guy is so cute. I guess i'll finally retire the funny checkmarks because they ruin THE VIBE of moonbones)

[mythicmanuscripts]

Hi! I can't get Aegon out of my head and I was thinking:

He has a hard week ahead, full of meetings, important nobles arriving at king's landing, public appearances and even a ball maybe. Wife knows he's insecure and she promises him he'll be rewarded if he behaves and keep up all the rules.

And he is outstanding. He does everything and more. People even comment about it between themselves, surprised at him. Of course he's looking forward the reward, but mainly he wants wife to be proud of him, and it's so lovely to see him do his best to do everything right.

I can only think about the smile making his face glow when wife says she's so proud of him and grant him his reward.

I love this anon!! Everyone else look!! Take notes!! We can have happy Aegon on occasion!!! Also I am sorry in advance I went WAY off topic at the start but I promise this concept is actually there!! I just couldnt stop writing the background stuff because himbo sub!aegon is one of my favourite things we talk about.

This isn’t too explicit but there’s definitely some NSFW vibes and also very clearly sub!Aegon so I’ll put a cut in just to be safe :))

So firstly, I think this works better if you only married him after he became king? Maybe he was always supposed to marry Helena but then once he rules for a few weeks his mother realises she needs to find him a wife that will take control and guide him.

So needless to say when he first marries you he’s not exactly excited because his mother has all but spelled out to him that he’s marrying someone to control him.

But then he gets to know you and he’s so shocked by how you seem to really like him and you’re kind and you listen to him and most importantly you never ever make him feel stupid. The first time you praise him he literally bursts into tears because it just means so much to him.

For the first few weeks of marriage you actually just try to form a friendship with him. You want him to know you care, and you want to actually form a partnership with him and not just blindly do whatever his mother asks of you. I think the most important thing is actually just speaking as bluntly as you can? Aegon can't stand how everyone seems to be dancing around him with how they speak.

About three weeks after your marriage you walk into your shared quarters (that neither of you actually sleep in yet) and find aegon on the bed, waiting for you. You're supposed to try for an heir again, as is required but you're tired and he always looks so emotionless so instead you simply walk in, pour a glass of wine and say, "Your mother would like us to give her an heir tonight, but she's a cunt so I can't really be arsed to make her pleased with me."

He bursts out laughing when he hears this and asks for a glass of wine. You end up just sitting together and chatting and Aegon truly cant believe he's had someone who could have been his closest friend and confidant for weeks and he didnt even notice. Aegon has never had a friend before, ever. Almost instantly he's in your shared quarters every night and requesting your present not to warm his bed but just to chat.

That's when you realise how well Aegon functions when he's being guided? When you ask him to do things and he does and then you praise him he's in a good mood the entire evening. You start looking for excuses to find things for him to do. You start to ask him for specific wines or treats for the following evening just because you know he'll get it and when you thank him he will smile so wide it's adorable.

Very quickly you fall into a dynamic when you're very clearly in charge and Aegon loves it. He starts to ask you for advice or how things work and every single time he's shocked when you don't belittle him.

When things do get sexual again, he's the submissive and he truly loves it so so so much. Gone are the days of going to brothels. He doesn't even think about it anymore. How could he? He has the most lovely wife.

(Sidenote: I think aegon LOVES to call you wife? Not in a mean way but because he just loves that you're his wife and he wants to say it over and over. He'll greet you with 'good morning wife' or 'morning my lovely wife' and so on, he just loves it. Occasionally you'll respond with 'yes husband' and he always just BEAMS at you when he hears it).

So anyway this is my very very very long winded way of saying that he's loves having a partnership with you and being married to you and he always wants to help you and please you.

You start to ask some members of the small council about upcoming events and plans so that you know what to expect and how to help them with Aegon. At first they're confused, but very quickly they realise that Aegon will do all of his duties to perfection if they tell you about it beforehand (eventually you just get added to small the council but not immediately because Allicent fights against that tooth and nail).

So when you hear about all the upcoming events and appearances for this week, you know you're going to need to have some chats with Aegon about it because he hates this sort of thing. The little shit actually pouts when you tell about an upcoming ball. You have to grab him by his hair and make him kneel before he finally relents and promises to actually show up for the ball and not just spend the night at an inn.

You know all his reluctance stems mainly from insecurity, so you're gentle with him when you tell him about all the events. Maybe this is the first chunk of events after you and him became close? As a result he's never actually gone through all this with you actually at his side before.

You offer to attend everything with him, not just the ball as is required. You can barely even finish the sentence before you're being tackled to the bed and thanked over and over again. Suddenly he is much much happier about all the events, cause his wife will come with! Not only that but because everything is formal he'll get to see you in pretty dresses.

Needless to say, people are very very confused during the first event because Aegon is behaving like a completely different person. Sure he still rolls his eyes on occasion and cuts people off, but as a whole he is kind and respectful and listens to people and doesn't even drink whatsoever never mind get drunk.

Every time he does something that he knows is following the rules he’ll glance back at you like he’s trying to confirm that you have indeed seen how good he’s being and of course you always respond by smiling back at him and it never fails to lift his mood.

And yeah part of it is because he wants to be rewarded and part of it is because he wants to avoid punishment but honestly mostly it’s just him wanting to feel like you’re pleased with him? Sure the rewards are great but absolutely nothing will ever come close to seeing you smile at him because he’s done well.

At the end of every day he kneels for you and tells you about what he did and all the ways he ensured to follow the rules. You know all of this already of course, because you were with him the entire day, but you always ask him to recite everything anyway because you know how happy it makes him. Once he’s finished, he crawls into bed and lays against your chest.

For his reward at the end of the week, maybe you arrange a little breakfast in your private quarters? You wake him up by gently palming him through his undergarments until he’s hard and leaking and only then does he wake. When he does wake, his only reaction is to smile and mumble something that you think was supposed to be thanks before nuzzling closer to you and opening his legs. He’s your darling, your play thing, and he’s well are of it. He doesn’t question you whatsoever, lets you do whatever you want with him.

It’s only after he’s cum that you call the servants in to bring the food. He spends the morning curled up like a very pleased cat on your lap while you hand feed him breakfast and little treats.

[tra1nchi]

YOUR WORKS ARE SO GOOD YOU ARE FEEDING THE BOTTOM MALE READER ANYWAY I had a thought,, strict professor "disciplining" Class delinquent reader and reader begging and saying he'll behave if teacher lets him cum

Thank uuu:),, MINORS DNI!!,, Bttm male reader,,meanie professor,, spanking,, orgasm denial,,spit as lube,,Degradation,,Handjob,,I'm proud of this one :3

You were not a joy to have in class,,He never liked having a least favourite student but if he had to pick it would definitely be you,,you rarely showed up to his lessons and when you did,,you didn't bother to participate at all!!

You would sit in the furthest place away from him,,throw paper airplanes like a child,,annoy the people sitting around you and even sleep during his lectures! He didn't know why you even stayed in the college at that point,,

You knew you were failing his class,,but you didn't worry at all about it,,Your professor seemed like a big loser,,he didn't even have a ring on his finger!! All you had to do was give him a blow job in exchange for an A right?

When the end of the class year started to come to an end was finally when you confronted your teacher,,asking him with a confident grin about your proposal,,He would only give you a bored glare,,He wasn't giving into your charms,,you are just a brat who needed taming,,

Soon enough he had you bend over his desk,,your ass red with how hard he was spanking you!! Your hands clenching his papers only added to your torture,,you weren't going to be able to sit down comfortably for ages now!!

"What do you have to say for yourself? Showing up every blue moon and expecting me to let you suck my dick?" He spits onto his hand,,using his spit to make it easier to jerk your cock,,even as you pleaded for his forgiveness,,he wouldn't give it to you,,

"Poor thing, you wanna cum.." He coos in your ear,,His cock almost entirely inside of you at this point,, but even then you already seemed to have been fucked dumb just by his handjob!!

He tuts in a disproving manner when your hand tries to jerk yourself off,,smacking it away like it was a fly as he leans down to whisper in your ear,,the action forcing his cock deeper inside of you >~<

"You'll behave? We both now you won't, Which is why I'll be the only one to cum." He presses a surprisingly gentle kiss to your cheek,,only to roughly pound his hips inside of you without any warning!!

No matter how much you wanted to cum,,he'll always stop you,,He controls if you orgasm or not,,which if he's feeling cruel may be never again :(

[beenbaanbuun]

warm touches - choi jongho

words - 1.4 k

genre - smut, fluff

warnings - fingering (f receiving), praise, gendered language (good girl), dom!jongho if you squint

You’d almost zoned out completely when a warm chest pressed to your spine and familiar arms around your waist brought you back to reality. The smile that rose to your face was completely instinctual, seeming to make an appearance whenever Jongho was in your immediate vicinity.

The scent of the bacon crackling away in the pan seemed to have finally drawn him out of your plush bed sheets, guiding his sleepy form to where you were standing over the stove, spatula in hand.

“G’morning,” Jongho mumbled seconds before pressing a kiss to the exact spot where your crew neck met your shoulder. You couldn’t help but smile as he nuzzled his nose into your soft skin.

“Behave,” you jokingly warned him, “if I burn the bacon I’m going to blame it on you.”

“I’m not doing anything,” sleepiness seeped into his voice, his usually soft cadence dropping an octave. It fell over you like a warm blanket and you let yourself lean your body weight against him.

“Sure you're not, Jongho.”

You could feel the way he smiled into your neck, bared teeth brushing against you as soft laughter fell from his pretty lips. It was contagious, forcing a giggle from your own mouth.

“I’m really not,” he said, “it's you who can't keep your mind away from the gutter for more than two minutes.”

“The gutter?”

“Yes, the gutter.”

There was a familiar inflection in his tone. One that only ever came out when he wanted to rile you up.

“Well, I’m sorry that my boyfriend is mouthing my neck like he wants nothing more than to take me back to bed.”

He cackled at that, burying his face even further into your shoulder. You thought it was cute until you felt him nip at your skin with his canines. You jumped in surprise, eyes going wide. Jongho kept you pressed to his front.

“And would it be so bad if I did?”

His tongue smoothed over the mark his teeth had left and you couldn’t help but shudder.

“Now who has their mind in the gutter?” He just smiled. “I’m just trying to do something cute and make us breakfast and you’re over here trying to find your way into my pants.”

He hummed into your neck, pretending to be deep in thought.

“Well, actually,” he lay his hand flat against your stomach, “if I wanted to ‘find my way into your pants,’ I could just do this.”

His hand snaked lower, fingers dipping into the waistband of your sleep shorts. He halted for just a second or two, just to test the waters and see if you’d stop him.

You didn't.

Another kiss was pressed to your neck as his hand completely disappeared into your shorts. Wordless praise for letting him do what he wanted, you supposed. Not that you yourself didn't want it. You were just much too proud to admit that.

A soft gasp left you as a fingertip found its way to your clit, slowly circling it in a way that Jongho knew would drive you insane. It was just hard enough to bring you pleasure, but too soft to actually do anything. Too delicate to bring you anywhere close to a climax.

You put the spatula down as he began to nibble at your neck, alternating between sharp bites and soothing kisses. It made you dizzy, just how quickly he could switch from one to the other whilst still keeping the same pressure and pace with his fingers. Perhaps he’d just had enough practice with your body to know exactly what to do to get you worked up. To get you into that hazy state of mind where you’d do anything to be his good girl. Obedient and pliant and willing to let him please you.

“Ah-ah, baby,” he muttered, “we don't want the bacon to burn, do we?”

You shook your head.

“That's what I thought. Pick up the spatula.”

For all you cared, the bacon could burn to the point of it being nothing more than a pile of ash, and yet your fingers found themselves wrapped around the handle of the spatula embarrassingly quickly. A quiet ‘good girl’ was whispered in your ear as you did so. You hated the way you whimpered at his praise, but the both of you knew just how much you loved to hear it. You were his good girl, after all.

You tried so hard to focus on the bacon in the pan, pushing it from side to side while he toyed with your body. It was difficult to concentrate with the lazy patterns he was drawing on your sensitive bud, but you could power through. It wasn't too hard to desensitise yourself to the pit of pleasure that sat at the base of your pubis as your wrist guided the spatula around the pan.

But you would be a complete fool to think for even a second that Jongho wouldn't pick up on that. That the second he noticed you managing a little too well, he wouldn't change up the pace of his fingers, adding more and more pressure until you let out a soft moan and your knees began to buckle.

The other arm that he had kept wrapped around your waist kept you securely pressed against his chest as he continued with his ministrations. He let out a cockly chuckle into your neck as you whimpered.

“That's my gorgeous girl,” you could feel the pressure in your stomach building as he whispered the gentle words into your ear, “letting me play with you while you make us breakfast. You’re so good for me, aren’t you? Take such good care of me, don’t you?”

You nodded.

“Hm, even when you’re so close to the edge, you’re still cooking for me. Your pretty little hands are shaking, baby. Are you close?”

Again, you nodded.

“Oh, baby,” he cooed, “cum for me, my pretty girl. Want to make you feel good, hm? Take care of you the way you take care of me.”

And just like that, the ball of tension that had been building up within you was released. As his fingers worked you through it, you couldn't help but let your head tip back against his shoulder. Bliss overcame you and your hand on the spatula came to a stop as you let it. He didn’t comment on it though, letting you feel everything until finally, he pulled his fingers away from your core and out of your shorts.

You were still breathing heavily with your body leaning against his when that very same hand, fingers still sticky with your juices, joined your own on the handle of the spatula. Wordlessly, he helped you push the bacon around, flipping a piece or two whenever they needed it.

And when it was done, he plated it up. Each rasher of bacon was placed carefully onto the bread you’d buttered just moments before he made his appearance downstairs. He closed the sandwiches with one hand, the other never letting go of your waist even now that you were perfectly capable of standing on your own two feet.

“Hands,” he said, simply, as he lifted one of the plates up. You held them out to him, letting him pass it to you before picking up his own and shuffling the two of you over to the table. His plate was placed upon the table before he un-gracefully sat down in a chair, pulling you onto his lap barely a second later.

You let him manhandle you until you were sitting sideways on his lap, finally able to see his face. If he hadn't made you cum minutes prior, you would've said he looked almost innocent with his sleepy eyes and the bed-head he was sporting. There was no evidence of the dirty words he’d whispered in your ear or the bite marks he’d left upon your neck.

In fact, the only thing that managed to convince you that it wasn't all some deluded daydream was the way that his fingers glistened with your wetness as he lifted the bacon sandwich to his mouth. If the atmosphere hadn't so clearly shifted to one of domesticity, you might have taken those fingers in your mouth and cleaned them off for him.

Now, though, the idea seemed much too vulgar, and Jongho looked much too cute. Perhaps another time, you thought to yourself as you picked up your own sandwich and took a bite.

[buzzcutlip]

congrats on 100 maggie that’s amazing!! 🎉🫶🏻

could I request carmy with a single!mom reader and they’re still kinda fresh in their relationship and with both of their busy schedules it’s hard to have any alone time and whenever they’re trying to have privacy for adult fun time it keeps being interrupted by reader’s little one bc reader’s daughter loves carmy and they’re both going crazy but also love becoming a new lil family. I just keep thinking about how carmy would be with a little kid and how he’d take over the role of a stepdad-dad 😩

Thank you! :)

I would like to say that I love kids and I worked in childcare for years. However, I'm not much into kid fics - rarely read them and never wrote one! Your prompt got me thinking so I'm sharing my head canons about stepdad!Carmy (explicit stuff behind the cut!)

You're so scared to tell Carmy you're a mom because you've started having real feelings; it's not just fooling around anymore. When you finally share that you've got a little girl, you're sick to your stomach with nerves, worried about the possibility of being rejected or ridiculed. But Carmy surprises you—pleasantly—by not freaking out at all. He nods and asks a couple of basic questions: "How old is she? Who's looking after her when you two are together? What's her favorite Disney movie?"

Carmy does freak out—once he's at home. He barely sleeps that night, thinking of all the ways the "wrong" in him or with him could rub off on the little girl once they meet. Because he's a messed-up grown-up who has no clue how to behave.

You can't keep putting off Carmen meeting your daughter after four months of dating. You can't, and you don't want to. It takes a bit of effort before Carmen opens up about his difficult childhood and messed-up family. You assure him that it's not going to affect your daughter and promise him that you absolutely believe he's a good person.

Your little one is almost four, and she's independent, sassy, and loving, so she probably understands Carmy's hesitation and worries better than you do—without Carmen ever needing to say a word. She knows he's a chef—a cook—so she takes his hand and shows him her own wooden kids' kitchen. Carmy's eyes are huge and glassy when he looks up at you, and you hold back your own tears.

The first time you witness Carmy and your daughter cooking together (not in the kids' kitchen), your heart almost stops. You know how sacred the kitchen—any kitchen—is for him, as well as the whole process of meal prepping. They're just baking cookies, from what you can see over Carmy's broad back, flour everywhere, and he uses the softest voice on her: "You make a ball from the dough, that's right. Well done, chef," and "You got it, darling," and "Good job, good girl," followed by a high-five, your daughter giggling, clearly proud of herself.

That night, you ask Carmy to stay - the first time while your daugher is at home too - and he agrees, with a soft smile and a chaste kiss to your temple. You're a bit apprehensive about having sex, anxious about your little one overhearing something or waking up in the middle of it, but at the end it's you who asks Carmen for it. You beg him with your eyes, your hands and mouth, and who's he to say 'no'? The day had been emotional and the remaints of it hang between you as he fucks you on your back, staring into your soul, reaching there with his cock too. You're kinda trying to hurry up, Carmy thrusting into you with sharp movements that make you gasp out puffs of air between the two of you. He leans in to whisper into your ear "You're taking it so well, you would take my load so well, would you want another baby, hm?" His words surprise you and make you so hot that you come with a startle the next second.

Fuck, Carmy Berzzato wants a kid with you?

[feyhunter78]

Among the Sun Ch 5

Description: Miguel has finally returned home with his bride, but first he must see his daughter. Ch 6

Miguel carries you into the palace, your sleeping form curled against his chest, his steps echoing in the empty hall. He loves you. He has as loved you from the moment your eyes met his all those years ago, but he has not seen his daughter in many months. And he does not wish for your fear of being confined in yet another strange place to draw him from her side.

He lays you down on the soft bed, glancing around the sweeping chambers, meant to be used only for the night before your wedding. The Maiden’s Sanctuary, as it is called, is a place for future brides to rest and prepare before they are brought before their husbands. The ceiling towers above you, the windows soaring but locked tightly, and he has your meager possessions quickly stored in the various wardrobes about the room.

He doesn’t want to leave you here. He wishes to keep you by his side, but Gabi is undoubtably planning a multitude of ways to escape her caretaker and come find him, now that word of his arrival has reached the inner workings of the palace.

Miguel ensures you’re properly covered, then exits, locking the door behind him and nodding to his guards. He cannot have you blindly venturing further into the palace and stumbling upon the wrong person.

The walk to Margo’s chambers—Gabi’s caretaker since she was a mere babe—is not far, and his joy at seeing his daughter once more gives flight to his feet, the sound of her giggling reaching him before he even rounds the corner.  

He throws open the door, and Gabi darts towards the open door, flinging herself into his arms.

“Papá, Papá! I missed you.” Gabi says, burying her face in the crook of his neck, her tiny horns poking at his skin.

Miguel holds her tightly, dropping his head onto her shoulder. “Hello mija, have you been good for Tia Margo?”

Gabi nods, pulling back, her eyes meeting his, a bright smile on her face. “Yes, she said I could ask you for anything I wanted when you returned because I was so good.”

Miguel’s eyes flicker to the older woman seating in a wooden rocking chair. Her tanned skin is wrinkled, her dark hair slowly turning gray. “She behaved admirably, Miguel; you should be quite proud of her.”

“And I did not cry after the first week…well, there was a storm, but I tried hard to be brave.” Gabi adds, sticking her bottom lip out slightly at the mention of the storm.

“I am sure you were very brave, mija, a true princess of Neuva.” Miguel praises, shifting her to one hip as he nods to Margo and begins to carry Gabi back to her own chambers.

Gabi wraps her arms around his neck sleepily. “Did you find Mamá?”

He stumbles for a moment, his breath catching in his chest. “Your mother?”

Her mother, Ava, had abandoned them when Gabi was born, claiming she had no desire to raise such a demonic being . He’d warned her that there was a possibility their child would inherit his abysmal abilities and features, but she’d assured him it would not sway her love for them. He later learned that sentiment was not the only falsehood to come from his former paramour.

“The one from your dreams, the princess.” She continues, a yawn interrupting her words.

The tension growing within him like a thicket of thorns recedes. “We will discuss such things in the morning, you and I both must rest.”

“But I wish to see the princess.” Gabi pouts.

“Is your Papá not enough? You wound me, mija.” He says playfully, putting on an expression of mock hurt to make her laugh.

“Papá is always enough.” She reassures him, snuggling closer to him as Miguel enters their shared wing, and begins to set her down in her bed.

“Do not forget my candle.” She says sleepily, holding her stuffed bear to her chest as she drifts off to sleep.

“Of course, I would never forget.” Miguel lights the rose-colored candle and sets it on her small tea table.

The large candle was among the first gifts presented to him to celebrate Gabi’s birth. Ava had fled, and he was young, and alone, cradling a babe he felt unable to care for. He was a monster, a murderer, he did not deserve such a precious gift, such a pure and innocent being, and yet he could not—would not turn her away. It had been Margo, a former midwife and widow, who had given him the candle. It was the meekest of gifts, but only she had been brave enough to deliver the gift herself.

“Goodnight mija, I will come wake you in the morning, then we will break fast, and I will tell you all about my adventures.”

He hears her say, “goodnight Papá,” and a few tired ramblings about “breakfast cakes,” and “dancing bears.”

He muffles his laughter and closes her door softly before meandering back to the Maidan’s Sanctuary.

Miguel nods to the guards before reentering your chambers, exhaustion pulling at his bones, impatience at his feet. He simply wishes to lie beside you, as he has done for many weeks now.

But you are not there.

The bed is empty, your scent lingers only faintly in the air, and he cannot hear your heartbeat.

He roars in anger, taking hold of the nearest object—a table—and hurling it at the wall, feeling a familiar satisfaction in the way it cracked and shattered, splinters of wood littering the floor.

“Find her.” He demands as he stalks out of your chambers, enhanced senses searching for you, his mind set ablaze with panic and rage.

He does not wish to chase you, to hunt you like an animal, but it seems you leave him no choice. This is his home, he has bled to claim his rightful place within this palace of stone, and there is no corner, no nook, no cranny, that you might find that will hide you from him.

Tag list: @not-aya, @belos-simp69, @deputy-videogamer, @sxnasbitch, @maxi-ride, @minimari415, @syndrlla97, @gejo333, @lady-necromancer, @zeyzeys-stuff, @tayleighuh, @loser-alert, @envyjmoney, @allysunny, @princessloveweird, @freehentai, @xlittlebubx-blog, @berry-potchy, @drefear, @jkthinkstoomuch, @ihateuguys, @yuuotosaka3, @queenofroses22

[notmorbid]

...lost child, pt. 3.

dialogue prompts from the story of the lost child by elena ferrante.

are you threatening me?

even your shadow is better than any flesh and blood person.

i'll take away everything you have.

even an open lie from [name] was the only truth that could be uttered.

you haven't been proud of me in a long time.

the _____ we live in is much worse than the one we talk about.

the laws work for those who fear them, not for those who violate them.

since you couldn't make up your mind, i did.

i don't understand why you behave like that.

i'm not angry with you. it's not your fault.

i'm telling you these things because i love you, and i'm worried.

alright. i'll do it. but i don't like it.

you don't belong to this family.

i want you to teach me to ______.

at that moment, i was surely sincere.

you didn't understand, or you didn't want to.

i don't want to see anyone.

good lord, how you've grown. you're magnificent.

you look exactly like your mother.

i gave you too much rope. i let you re-tie too many knots.

the scam of rebirth raises hopes, then shatters them.

i never saw you cry.

do you feel lonely?

try to be reasonable.

i wanted people to think i was someone.

you'll kill me if you leave me like this.

you want to end up like ____?

not all human beings react in the same way.

you have no respect for anyone.

you should let it out. you should say whatever comes to mind.

each of us organizes memory as it suits him.

we both speak a false language.

you're even more defenseless than you used to be.

if the wind blows any harder, we'll all fly away.

wait. sit with me for a moment.

a wish, a fantasy travels more swiftly than blood.

i want to understand what is happening in your mind.

talking to you helps. you make me think.

knowing i'm useful to you makes me feel better.

to be adult is to recognize one's needs.

you're perfect. you never need anything.

nothing overwhelms you. nothing even touches you.

there are things no one knows, not even me.

everyone knows that people like _____ end up getting killed.

all men were once boys.

i should have done worse.

it's hard to tell you no.

does a person necessarily have to 'do' something?

you have to use your life.

i want to go back to sleeping alone.

it's terrible sleeping alone.

you've already forgotten. not me.

do i have to account for myself to you?

you repeat nonsense like a parrot.

every time you go out, i'm afraid you'll get in trouble.

be sure that i will watch over you.

what are you thinking of doing?

someday or other, we'll have to separate.

i will always try to help you. you have only to ask.

the time for faithfulness and permanent relationships is over.

you do only what you want.

i wouldn't want to enter your mind, even for a few seconds.

what do you expect from me?

be careful. ____ has always hated you.

you can be hurt only if you love someone.

all you think about is yourself.

it isn't books that make people good. it's good people who make some good books.

if you think about it, there's more to laugh at than cry about.

you don't respect anything or anyone.

now is not the right time for this conversation.

you must never touch my things again.

you always have to incite, poke, shove.

you have so many things to do. you won't even notice i'm gone.

it's impossible to have a real relationship with you.

this room is like a crime scene.

if it's fine, what are we talking about?

i owe you everything. you're the best person i know.

i thought something had happened to you.

you have no sensitivity. you hurt people and don't realize it.

the empty apartment makes me sad.

i dream of you often.

i'm looking everywhere for your perfume.

where is it written that lives should have a meaning?

what's become of you? i no longer recognize you.

you no longer surprise me.

words are full of ghosts, but so are images.

we must be careful not to make mistakes. we pay for our mistakes.

i don't know anything anymore. things go one way, and then they change direction.

only in bad novels do people always think the right thing, say the right thing.

go. do better things than you've done so far.

i'm so glad we've been friends for so long.

every intense relationship is full of traps. if you want it to endure, you have to learn to avoid them.

i did answer you, but you pretend not to understand.

to write, you have to want something to survive you.

i want to leave nothing. my favorite key is the one that deletes.

i want to untie my name. slip it off me. throw it away. forget it.

leave. come and stay at my house.

i love nothing about myself.

come and see me. we'll be together for a while.

you've always overestimated me.

where did i go wrong?

i am no longer able to distinguish what's mine and what's yours.

you are constantly celebrating yourself.

all you need to get a diploma and a degree is free time.

did you like my gift?

unlike stories, real life, when it has passed, inclines toward obscurity. not clarity.

[sadistic-kiss]

👩‍🍳Chef Talk 👩‍🍳

I know I failed the drawing challenge so I’m starting over on day 1 lmao.

I’ve been kind of sad and in the dumps lately and it’s all because of a stupid boy ✨. I wish I didn’t care so much but I do and I hate that I do. So I’m in my Lana del rey Billie eillish moment right now lol. I’m dealing with a sad girl summer 🙂‍↕️

I know this feeling is temporary, but I find sometimes it’s easy to slip into once I’ve already been here. It’s almost like working out, like day by day I have to exercise my brain in healthy ways. Feed myself(healthy things), work out, sleep on time, take a moment to draw. I have to actively fight the urge to bed rot and scroll on TikTok because then the day goes and I feel even more depressed that I didn’t accomplish anything.

It’s like a constant up hill battle and when I started doing well sometimes something can throw me off -LIKE A STUPID BOY- cough- something is in my throat. But anyways~ I’m trying to work myself back into a healthier mindset and namaste these bitches away 🙏.

I’m like one drop away from having a mental break down but like a girl is living I guess lol.

It’s almost like I have to talk to myself, like I have to treat myself like I would my friend who is going through a depressive episode. I have to tell myself like… come in let’s do this! You might like it! And I cycle through things that I might like to do even though I really really don’t want to do it and soemtimes I even find myself enjoying it and it gives me a teaspoon of serotonin and I cheer myself on like I was the first gal on the moon.

But sometimes I can’t be my support buddy and my mom will aid me. Or I’ll use my mom as an inspiration I guess. I’ll clean up for her and make her happy and that makes me happy you know?

It’s a weird thing perhaps to behave this way but I don’t really know what else to do to handle depression and anxiety and all the extra mental illness that I got in the add ons package of life.

I also have a hard time being mean to myself and I have to curve it real fast before it gets too deep. And I have this unhealthy obsession with mindlessly scrolling TikTok so now when I realize I’m doing it I screech and throw my phone before it gets out of hand haha. Jk I redirect myself- anytime I want to go to TikTok I’ll try to do something else like play a video game because that makes me feel better I guess lol. Or I’ll tell myself five videos and THATS IT- it almost feels like an addiction if you want me to be honest and it’s kind of scary. I’ve tried to delete it but then I redownloaded it and was like ‘I don’t have a problem 🤨’ when in fact I do lol.

I fall into this pattern and I just have to breakout of it.

I wasn’t going to type all of this but I thought maybe talking about it could help me and some of you out, like maybe some of you may feel this way and maybe talking about it will help you see that you aren’t alone if you too suffer from whatever this is that I do lol.

Anyways I’m going to go eat dinner and get ready for bed. I’m trying to take care of myself and show myself that I do love me and deserve the best of the best. Self care=self love and no one will love me better than me… and maybe like my mom lol 🖤

Here’s the picture I drew today, my love Lana del Rey . I know it’s not Picasso but I was proud to see it looks better than my older drawings and that’s what makes me happy. I compare my drawings to my drawings and no one else’s haha 🤣 🖤

BONUS POINTS I GET TO SHOW THIS DRAWING TO MY MOM HAHAH

[frecklystars]

Aww, GAD anon 🥺🥺 I want to selfishly keep your message in my inbox to look back on again, but I want to let you know here that I did read it and I appreciate every word you wrote.

I'm so glad my own message back to you could make you feel better. I do mean it, I am spiritually here with you and supporting you and holding your hand through every single hard thing. Like I said, if you're struggling to sleep because you're anxious, chances are I am definitely awake at the same time as you. 2am, 4am, 7am, hell even 10am, I am most likely still awake. I go many days without sleeping bc, y'know, anxiety lol. or any of the other things you mentioned you struggle with, I struggle with too, you are not alone in those things at all. You can always think to yourself "well hey right now this task is really hard, but at least Keri is also dealing with this right now and she is so proud of me for trying!" because I am! so proud, that is -- of you! for trying! bc I know it is hard as fuck to push yourself to do literally Anything when your brain makes you feel consumed by panic 24/7. you are so strong and I believe you can do this!!!! one day we are both gonna be able to sleep more and eat more and relax more and just, exist without the little monsters in our head feeding on our fear. i got you. we got this 💪✨

And all the things you said about Barbie and Ken ;-; wow. Thank you so much. I really, really, REALLY needed to read that... 😭😭😭 That helped me feel a bit more comforted after... everything that's been happening. I had a really, really heavy trigger hit me recently, and it got to the point where today I woke up and Everything That Has Ever Traumatized Me was the first and only thing in my head, and it just stuck in my brain, wouldn't go away. I was having a reeeeally difficult day bc of it, but then I read your message when it was slow at work, and I started to relax, I just kept reading it over and over and over again and finally I wasn't as shaky, I was starting to get more control of myself ;-; It helps when someone is telling me "hey, logically, here is why your F/Os would not harm you" and yours made me laugh too. You were absolutely 100% correct and the way you phrased it was so funny. Especially what you said about Ken... that was hilarious, made me smile when I was having such a rough day.

And I also appreciate you phrasing it as "hey btw your F/Os are normal people who love in a normal way. whoever is claiming to love you in a way that is harming you is... literally Not Normal. most people are not Like That." and I literally sat there staring out into space for a few long seconds and muttering to myself "my god, they're right. it's literally... not fucking normal for people to behave like the way I have been treated." and tbh that made me feel so much better. My F/Os ARE normal!!! I mean yes some of them are evil wicked murderers or silly silly villains who try to take over the world or they like to set things on fire -- but they're, like... not manipulators who are endlessly dedicated to the bit! and it genuinely helps me SO MUCH when somebody tells me "hey your F/Os would not hurt you, and here are the logical reasons why." I always appreciate when people say "hey they won't hurt you :)" but it doesn't really "click" with me or calm me down as efficiently, because my brain will constantly be asking "yes they SAID they wouldn't hurt me, but... what if they still would ;-;" like I literally just get consumed with what-ifs. but ppl saying "no actually here's some ACTUAL REASONS why these characters would be gentle with you, and how hurting you is out of character for them, here's EXAMPLES" - that does wonders for me, dude.

So!!!! Thank you for taking the time out of your day to send me such a nice message for me to look back on. And hey, if you ever need to vent about anything, please feel free, my inbox is always open. Sending you lots of hugs and little stars to wish you a good night (or day depending on your timezone)!! 🌟✨🌟✨🌟✨

[ridiasfangirlings]

The s4 members except Munakata get turned into chickens. They can't talk but they're still themselves and are trying to do their jobs even in their condition. This last for a while and others are wondering why there are a bunch of chickens running around in the office. Homra sees them later and wonders why Munakata is surrounded by well-behaved chickens. Will Kusanagi still love Awashima if she were a chicken? Yata would have to feed Fushimi since chicken Fushimi wouldn't eat worms and grains.

…I love this ask so much I want to frame it and hang it on my wall XD Just imagine Munakata happily walking through an office full of chickens, praising their hard work as the chickens dutifully peck away at their computers. Munakata doesn’t even find out about this until he gets an uncharacteristically panicked call from Awashima that cuts off abruptly. He decides to go himself to check on the situation, accompanied by only Zenjoh. They follow Awashima’s phone locator to her last known location and as soon as they approach a bunch of chickens come running up to Munakata, clucking in a panic. A very well endowed hen is leading them and seems to be trying to keep them calm, one scrawny chicken is hanging out away from the flock making a cluck that sounds like a tongue click. Zenjoh suddenly turns and draws his sword, he manages to knock down the fleeing Strain but not quite quickly enough and now there’s a one-winged rooster hanging out at Munakata’s back. 

Munakata learns that the ‘Turns People Into Chickens’ Strain has been causing chaos all around the city, the good news is now he’s captured but the bad news is the only way for his power to wear off is for it do so naturally, the Strain can’t even control it. This means that Awashima, Fushimi, Zenjoh and the Special Forces squad are now all stuck as chickens for the time being, they have their all their regular memories and stuff it’s just they’re chickens now. As such Munakata doesn’t intend to give them any leeway (chicken Doumyouji ruffles his feathers and looks all bummed, like really we’re chickens and we still have to do paperwork), he hopes they can all continue to do their jobs properly. 

He takes them all back to S4, Yayoi gets to watch Zenjoh and he probably has a calm time hanging out in the records room, though unfortunately they have to lock Kuro out for the time being for safety reasons. The rest of the squad settle in to work and do their best. Awashima is very popular with the women of S4, like look what an elegant chicken Lieutenant makes, they probably give her a cute little bow and Awashima is secretly very proud of it. Doumyouji learns to hold crayons with his claws and feels very pleased while Kamo finds out he can still even do some cooking he just needs help with things like holding knives. Hidaka keeps having mild freakouts every time he looks in a mirror while imagine Gotou just sleeping on top of his cursed chicken god statue every night and being very chill. Fushimi is extra gloomy and snaps at any alphabet boy (alphabet chicken?) who gets too close to him. Akiyama is a little distressed that he can’t even make Fushimi coffee in the current situation. 

At some point Homra realizes that S4 has been very silent lately and is something wrong. Kusanagi has been trying to contact Awashima but she doesn’t respond, Yata reports that Saruhiko hasn’t been answering his texts either. They decide to stop by S4 and imagine them walking into the building and running right into Munakata who’s walking by with a bag of chicken feed, smiling and telling them they’re just in time. Kusanagi and Yata exchange glances and follow Munakata into an office full of chickens. As Yata’s about to ask if the Blue King has finally lost it he’s suddenly pecked in the ankle by an angry chicken. Munakata chides ‘Fushimi-kun’ and Yata’s like wait you named the chicken after Saruhiko. Kusanagi finds himself face to face with a hen that has blue eyes and a cold stare and sighs like don’t tell me. 

Munakata asks Yata to assist with the feeding, Fushimi is very picky about what he’ll eat and Yata may be helpful in this area. Yata can’t take it anymore and starts laughing, like seriously you guys all got turned into chickens. His laughter immediately turns into a yell of pain as Fushimi pecks him again, Yata’s like what the hell Saruhiko stop it. Yata tries to feed Fushimi some grain because this skinny chicken definitely needs some meat on his bones (Fushimi pecks him again and Yata’s like I didn’t mean it that way I’m not gonna eat you), Fushimi tastes a little and then pointedly spits it out. Yata ends up in S4’s kitchen making a personalized meal for the grumpy chicken hanging out at his feet and he has no idea how he got dragged into this. Meanwhile Kusanagi is trying to get a grasp of the situation from Munakata while Awashima just sits in his lap looking very on guard and businesslike and it’s kinda eerie, seeing Awashima’s normal expression on a chicken. 

[star-ocean-peahen]

*grumble grumble*

i just—grrrrr

mom's mad. mom's snippy because she's been looking after a small human with the attitude of a wasp all day. mom may be being slightly unfair to the medium human.

but DAD. really???? really. do you really need to stand there making gestures like "mom's mad right now listen to her" but not in a "mom's feeling upset right now" kind of way but a "your mom's being crazy again" kind of way?? you've definitely never taken any of your kids aside and tried to help them UNDERSTAND why people behave a certain way when theyre upset or EXPLAIN how to react to someone being mad and taking it out on you!! nah you're just going with a "your mom's fucking up and acting crazy again" kind of reaction. the medium human would not have such a problem with her if you didnt encourage them!!! you imply the kids are depressed and emotionally disregulated because she shut them out but you never modeled proper conflict resolution or emotional regulation!! why would you act like its HER fault when its BOTH of your faults?????

but NOOOOOO......................................*sigh* because you were never given these tools yourself and it's not fair to expect you to know how to do things you've never done. because its not actually possible for you to do better yet without significant work and support. because i love you and im doing a shitty job of showing it when i blame you for things out of your control. i just. i keep sorting all the things he does around me into "problematic" and "being a great dad" and it trips me up so much when he does something that makes me feel loved and makes me laugh and makes me feel like i have my dad but then a few minutes later he does something that i identify as a source of confusion and hurt.........................ugh. i hate this.

it's hard to reconcile how he's made me feel safer than anyone else ever could and how he's scared me + made me worry. Like, i have a very sweet and secure memory of him singing me to sleep but also i have the memory where he told me another country could hit us with a WMD at any time and because of where we live we'd be the first to die. that wasn't a necessary thing i needed to know at ten, if it was even true. but he's come through for me when i needed him so so so so so many times. but he did something that traumatized me. but we can banter and talk for hours and laugh and laugh and laugh. but he's the best teacher ive ever had. but i can count the times he's praised me for my work on two hands. but he understands how im feeling in really important moments. but he'll observe me get so upset im uncontrollably sobbing and do nothing. but he accepts the weirdest and most bizarre parts of me. but i have to walk on eggshells around him. but i know he's incredibly proud of me. but im terrified of disappointing him. but i know without a doubt that he loves me so, so much. but he's hurt me.

its. hard to know what to do with that.

[stargazer-sims]

Morning Routine

Nikolai: *shaking his head* I don’t know why you boys even have separate beds.

Eden: *incoherent noises*

Nikolai: Are you two planning to get up soon?

Charlie: *mumbling* Yeah. Gotta go to work.

Nikolai: Eden?

Eden: Uh-huh. Five more minutes.

Nikolai: Okay. I’m going to start making breakfast.

Nikolai may not be good at organizing and cleaning, but he’s an excellent cook. He decides to make pancakes, as well as the twins’ favourite omelette.

Nikolai: This is looking perfect!

Nikolai: How is everything?

Charlie: Delicious. Thanks for making breakfast for us.

Eden: Yeah, thank you. I love It when you cook. Like, your omelettes are better than sex.

Charlie: *laughing* That’s quite the compliment, coming from him.

Nikolai: *amused* I’m well aware. Speaking of that, Eden, how was your date last night?

Eden: It was amazing! I really like him, and we’re going to see each other again. Oh, and you should be proud of me, ‘cause I didn’t even sleep with him. In fact, I said we should wait.

Nikolai: You really must like him, if that’s the case.

Eden: Yeah! He’s so cute and funny and talented, and a really nice guy. I thought it’d be weird, going out with somebody famous, but he’s just a normal person.

Charlie: I told you they’re all just normal guys like us, didn’t I?

Eden: You did, but I had a hard time getting my head around it until I spent time with Haru. But, he really is a regular guy. He likes the same things I like, and I found out he’s got insecurities and stuff, just like everybody else.

Charlie: He didn’t try anything, did he?

Eden: You were here. Did you see him doing anything I didn’t like?

Charlie: No. Actually the two of you were pretty well-behaved. It was kind of adorable, watching you cuddle and not be like, obscene with it. But, I meant, did he try anything before you had someone keeping an eye on you?

Eden: Of course not. We were too busy skating. Haru’s really bad at it, by the way.

Charlie: Everyone’s bad at it, compared to you.

Eden: No, he’s really bad. I had to hold onto him most of the time. It was cute, how he thought he could impress me by saying how awesome he was. He definitely couldn’t back that up.

Charlie: Next time, you'll have to do something one of you doesn't do professionally.

Eden: That's what we decided. I think we're gonna have ice cream and movie night at his place next time, and he's going to come and watch me at practice some day soon. Is that okay, Nikolai?

Nikolai: Sure, but don't let him distract you. You don't want me yelling at you.

Eden: That's not funny.

Nikolai: You know I wouldn't really yell at you, but that doesn't mean I'll be happy about it if your head's not in the game. I won't let him come back after the first time if he breaks your concentration.

Eden: I'll be focused, I promise. Besides, I think Haru knows how serious practice time is. He's a professional too, you know. He's just as dedicated as I am when it comes to his work.

Nikolai: It sounds like you might’ve found your match.

Eden: Maybe. I said I wouldn’t let myself get attached, but I think it’s happening anyway.

Nikolai: Well, be careful. Broken hearts aren’t easily mended. I should know.

Charlie: Can we assume you were at the hotel with Anya last night?

Nikolai: I was. Both of you were out when I left, and you were in bed when I came back.

Eden: What happened?

Nikolai: What do you mean?

Eden: You didn’t spend the night with her.

Nikolai: Nothing happened. Anya’s leaving in a couple of days, that’s all. I asked her to stay, and she said no.

Charlie: That doesn’t sound like nothing happened. You mean, she straight-up refused?

Nikolai: Not exactly. She said she’d think about it. It is a major decision, after all. I’m just disappointed, I guess.

Charlie: Is she coming back any time soon?

Nikolai: Yes. She'll be back for the competition in Kyoto during the holidays, and there’s some major snowboarding thing taking place here in town in January, and she said she’s trying to line up some magazine and advertising shoots for around that time so she'll have work in between. She’ll be here for nearly a month next time.

Charlie: Maybe she’ll have made her mind up by then.

Eden: Or not. Personally, I think she’s nothing but trouble. All she ever does is hurt you, Nikolai. I don’t understand why you keep trying.

Nikolai: Because love does something to your brain that makes you unreasonable, I suppose.

Eden: Remind me never to fall in love.

Nikolai: What about your new friend Haru?

Eden: You were the one who said to be careful. Your own advice is good for you too, you know.

Nikolai: That’s fair.

Charlie: So… new topic?

Nikolai: I think that’s a good idea. And I didn’t mean to ignore you, Charlie. What’s new with you?

Charlie: It’s cool. Pretty sure nothing in my life can complete with your and Eden’s complicated love lives anyway.

Nikolai: We’d still like to know.

Charlie: Okay. Sheridan says we’re supposed to be getting the travel itinerary for the tour today, and also today, I'm gonna be doing some of the guys’ hair. Eden, the next time you see Haru, he’ll have a different hair colour.

Eden: What colour?

Charlie: Apparently he told Sheridan he wants a purple ombre look. We’ll see if she goes for it.

Eden: If you’re colouring hair, that must mean you’re leaving for the tour soon, right?

Charlie: Yeah. My guess would be within a week or two. I’ll know for sure today. I’m looking forward to it.

Eden: I’m not.

Charlie: I know, but we’ll be back for Winterfest, so this first part won’t be too long.

Eden: Really? So, we'll still get to decorate the tree together, and you’ll be able to come and see me compete?

Charlie: Yeah, and you and Nikolai can come to the show in Kyoto, since you’ll already be there. I’ll ask Sheridan about getting you backstage passes, and if she can’t, I’ll bet Haru can.

Eden: Ooh... and that also means I'll be able to see him before he goes to his grandparents' for the holiday. He'll be excited when he finds out he can go there. Yesterday, he said he didn't know if he'd even be in the country during Winterfest. I'm glad he'll get to be with his family.

Charlie: This'll be our first Winterfest without ours.

Eden: Yeah.

Nikolai: It's not my first, but it'll be the first in a long time. We'll have to celebrate the best we can with just the four of us.

Eden: Four? Oh... right. Anya.

Nikolai: Would you mind if she stays here?

Eden: I guess in the spirit of Winterfest, I can't say no.

Charlie: It's fine with me, but if she stays here, she either has to help with the housekeeping or the cooking.

Nikolai: It'd better be the cooking. She's not any better at housekeeping than I am, I'm afraid.

Eden: Watcher help us.

Nikolai: What?

Eden: I love you, Nikolai, but you're like a literal hurricane. I can't imagine the mess two of you are gonna make.

Charlie: It'll only be for a month.

Eden: Any longer, and we might have to ask them to get their own place.

[there-will-be-a-way]

"Is everything okay?"

"No. I feel like I'm close to a mental breakdown."

"I thought so. You always say hello in the evening. Today you didn't."

Had a talk with the night nurse. Told him that there's an 80% chance I'll run away in the near future and not return again, to anywhere. He said that's not good - I'm not allowed to go out anymore today, but the doors are closed anyway. After 10pm. Asked me if I'm suicidal. Yes. If I have a plan. Yes - but only for when I'm at home. Which I'm not. (I'm safe for now dw)

Talked about my issues. The inside problems. He said he's sure I'm capable of so much more than to run away. That I'm the 1% (here at the ward) who actually Gets Shit Done. That I'm one of the fighters. It felt relieving to see someone recognizes how hard I try. Again and again I hear that I'm more mature than other people at my age.

He said that I'm doing so much and have a lot of competencies (I also hear that often) - that you can tell by the way I behave in group therapy that I'm really working hard on myself. I say that yes, I can problem solve. The outside problems. But on the inside I feel like my life is a labyrinth - and I end up in the same dead ends time after time.

Took my night meds. They make me sleep like a stone, but tired during the day. Tomorrow I have to tell the morning staff how I'm doing. Let's see if I'm allowed to go outside again - or if they forget about me. People often overlook me. I keep falling through the nets designed to catch me.

[Proud of myself for asking to talk. It's the first time I ever asked for a talk during my psych ward career.]

[raudeliunaite]

Junior A: "Music is a safe space from the real world"

This interview took place long before you read it. We agreed with songwriter and performer Tautvydas Gaudėšius, known as Junior A, that our conversation would take place somewhere between Nida, Vilnius and virtual space. By the time this interview comes out, Junior A has released a new EP and completed a concert tour in Lithuania. Obviously, the release of the fifth EP "Spa Day" drew a line between the ending phase of the artist's life and the exciting beginning that he will meet with the release of his first full-length album. According to Tautvydas, the debut album will be a collection that will change everything from the ground up once again.

What is your own life, daily routine, household about at the moment?

I write, I love, I have fun, and occasionally I try to sleep. I am currently in Nida. I spend my days wandering around the places I loved as a teenager, reading. In the evenings I write music. I have been working on my debut album for a while now.

We had a very active summer season. In November I will go on a mini-tour of Europe, in Lithuania I will present my last EP. I'm trying to rest a bit. It's been hard so far.

What are your values as a music creator and performer? What is important to you?

Maybe it's that I've never looked at music as a product. For me, music is a conversation with yourself, where you have to be open, otherwise it doesn't make sense.

Nobody prepares me, nobody writes music for me. In a word, they don't tell me what to say, how to behave. Everything is real. As long as that is the case, everything will continue.

You and drummer Sindre have been an inseparable duo for some time. What keeps the two of you together? How do you complement each other?

The simplest answer is probably the love of music. The songs are real. All the melodies, the harmonies, the explosions. It's so much fun to perform them live. It's good to share the stage. For both Sindre and me, music is a safe space from the "real" world. It's hard to explain. 

Think back and tell us what was your time and presence on stage like when you were alone and now with Sindre?

They are just different periods. In the beginning it was one big chaos. Everything was very fast. I was trying to stay as focused as possible so I could write songs while we were figuring out how to perform those songs live. One day the producer Snorre suggested I try to play with Sindre. It was one of those "bingo" moments. The rest is history. 

How often do you set yourself challenges and goals? Do you always try to achieve them?

My life has never been very simple. These days especially. Staying sane, surviving and writing songs, learning to be happy - these are my challenges. 

What was the last thing you were proud of as an artist?

A few days ago, my parents and I were watching a video of the summer concerts. It's strange to see myself there. I've always dreamed about it, but now it seems like I'm not even there. I saw the joy and pride in my parents' eyes. It's good in those moments.

What environment has shaped you into the person you are today?

Everything shapes me. All my life I have somehow found myself in all kinds of situations. Girls, parties, fear of death, doubts about everyone and everything around me. Eventually I learned to describe those stories. 

When I wrote "Born Busy", I felt in a hole, I felt I had reached a crossroads - I was writing an album that would change my life. "Superglue" is the range of emotions that I described when I broke up with my girlfriend, "Spa Day" was written entirely in the morning when there was still a party going on outside the door. 

What I am now, we will hear sometime next year.

Do you face disappointments, internal critics? How do you accept and survive them?

Of course. In the first year and a half, there were a lot of difficult situations, from dilemmas about whether to fix a broken tooth or to buy winter boots for the cold season.

Few people understood my choice to sell everything to pursue my musical dreams.

The comments, the glances, pushed me to reflect on whether you are really doing the right thing. In my case, I believed more than I doubted - so far so good.

I've always wondered what is the relationship of the person who makes and performs music to silence?

Silence has always seemed luxurious to me. Growing up, you live in your parents' house with their rules. Then you set out to live your life. In my case, I went to London, and I lived in all sorts of places there. Not all of them were in great neighbourhoods and so on. The peace and quiet there really started to seem like a luxury. 

If you could choose one thing that's important to you that you'd like to learn and one person of authority... What would that person be and what would he/she have to teach you?

You would have to find someone who had a slightly simpler way of looking at things. I would like to learn this art.

Or have you already learnt one of the most important lessons of your life?

Cherish your friends and never lose yourself. Don't fight when you are drunk. Respect your parents. To write when it's good, when it's bad, when you want to disappear. To write and to love, because only writing and love can save me. 

What helps you the most in your journey? Who do you trust the most, if not yourself?

I have some very close friends who know that what I am doing is not a career or some kind of empty adventure. 

When I'm too pale, they ask me to slow down, to stretch out somewhere. 

In an interview you said that the birth of a song is a magical process. How would you describe this magical process in a few words? How do you feel when you write?

Dreams without sleeping are my method of songwriting.

First the music is born. Even before the summer started, I started writing down three musical ideas every day. This process ended in mid-September. 

Then I listen to it all long and hard until I find the melodies that speak to me. Then I turn my eyes and the words are already there.

When did you realise you could write texts? Were your first lyrics published?

I remember this moment very well. It was the first time after the coma. I picked up the guitar and wrote a song. After a while I realised that I hadn't even stopped thinking rationally. Not even for a second. That's when I realised that you don't have to write songs. They are already there...

Your lyrics are very open and personal. Was it difficult to be so vulnerable when you first started publishing them, especially when you didn't really know who your audience was?

I know it might sound pretentious as hell, but I really feel like I don't even write them sometimes. For me they are as open and personal as for anyone else. I learn a lot about myself from them, as strange as that may sound. 

If you could turn your songs into a movie plot... Which song would you use to start the story, which one would be the climax and which one would be the climax of the whole film?

What a great question. I could come up with at least three options. It's true that those songs, those EPs are already films, with their beginnings, climaxes and endings.

My debut album will be a collection that will change everything once again from the ground up. 

I guess you know the feeling of coming to a concert alone and sometimes feeling uncomfortable... But personally, I've noticed that even if you come to a concert alone, you get the impression that all your listeners are like one strong community where everyone can feel comfortable. That's one of the charms of being at your concerts. I don't know if you feel the same way, but I'm curious to know what kind of listener and audience you dreamed of at the beginning of your career, and what you see and feel now? How do these people affect you?

I often say that I'm happy to be part of all this. All these processes just take over. The songs, the stories, the melodies, the adrenaline, the faces, the voices. 

Because of that transformation from the beginning to now, it has become clear to me later that people have never seen anything like this before and therefore do not know how to react. I'm not trying to be tougher than I really am, to pretend to be something and so on. If I'm scared, I tell how scared I am, what motivational videos I've watched so that I don't die before the concert, if I'm feeling good, my hands are in the air and I'm screaming like a child, I even cried once. 

It's important to sing well, but it's even more important to be real. To be there in your mind, in that moment.

I've heard it many times that the atmosphere of Junior A solo concerts is unique. I believe that I feel the same as the audience, but whether that is really true I will probably never know. 

You've released four EPs. A fifth, "Spa Day", was recently released. How important is it for you to be productive and keep the rhythm?

In the summer of 2016, I tried making electronic music for the first time. I had never made or listened to electronic music before. Then "Sleep Machine" happened, and it all started (The first single "Sleep Machine" was played on BBC Radio 1 and made it to the USA Viral Top 50 playlists on Spotify - ed.). I'm just doing what I love, learning and trying not to go crazy. That's all.

Could it be said that certain phases of your life, once begun and now ended, are given meaning in the form of EPs?Do you let go of the past stages of your life and the EPs you have created and completed easily?

My life is encapsulated in those songs, it helps me move forward. The past is the past, even I am starting to understand that. On the other hand, all the old songs are like a time machine. When I play it, I go back to the twelve-square-metre flat where I wrote "Sleep Machine", the house in Žvėrynas where "Paper Planes" was born, the flat of my friends Sauliaus and Beata where "Corolla" was born, etc. It's a strange but wonderful feeling.

If you could interview yourself, what question would you ask and how would you answer it?

Considering that you care so much about words, Tautvydas, do you already know the title of your debut album?

Not yet, but I have no doubt that it will be amazing, just like the album itself.

Photo: Ieva Budzeikaitė

Published: swo.lt

[punkscowardschampions]

Gia & Teddy & Nancy (Tancy Pt.1)

Gia: [Okay, setting the scene for us, Teddy is ‘working’ in James’ office aka we were snooping because always and then we were taking some time to think about the party and situation you just came from at Nancy’s so, obviously, when Gia walks in to see how you’re getting on, she sees way more than she bargained for and runs for her life lmao]

Gia: Get out of that office and go wash your hands before you do anything else

Teddy: It’s my temporary office, I’ve taken it over

Gia: You can work in the main office, where you can be kept an eye on

Gia: Obviously you can’t be trusted, for God’s sake

Teddy: Didn’t you get enough of an eyeful? 

Gia: That’s not funny, you are disgusting

Teddy: I’m bored

Gia: I don’t care!

Gia: Do what you’re here to do, this is a place of business

Teddy: I’m here to be kept out of the way, stop trying to parade me front & centre in the main office

Gia: You need to learn all this, have you done anything you were actually asked to do?

Teddy: I was asked to show up & ta-da

Gia: I sent you a list, check your email

Gia: Are you not going to apologise

Teddy: What’s my work email address again?

Gia: Jesus Christ

Gia: What is wrong with you?

Teddy: Aren’t you going to send me another list?

Gia: I’m working, unlike someone

Gia: Not to mention that you reek of booze, you looked awful when you walked in

Teddy: But I feel fantastic & isn’t that the most important thing?

Gia: No, it is not

Gia: I don’t care what party you went to last night, leave it at the door

Teddy: Last night? Please, it wasn’t a children’s tea party

Gia: You’re proud of yourself, are you?

Gia: How sad

Teddy: I’m not ashamed & I’m not going to be on your say so

Gia: How are you not, you should be mortified

Teddy: You walked in on me, perhaps learn to knock before you decide to go on & on about etiquette 

Gia: I shouldn’t need to, it’s the middle of the day and this is work

Teddy: Yes, our father would NEVER behave immorally in this hallowed space, it’s a TOTAL coincidence his last secretary fled her post

Gia: Oh, you’re on this again, are you

Gia: Don’t make things up when you’re the one that got caught being vile

Teddy: It’s no wonder you’re so uptight, we’re getting to the root cause now

Gia: No, don’t even think that thought, shut up

Teddy: [send her a different link to the sex toy you sent Nancy but with a similar vibe, somewhere on the scale between that and how basic you think Chlo is haha]

Gia: I’m going to ask for you to get psychiatric help, seriously

Gia: I don’t need your help or opinion, you freak

Teddy: You don’t welcome my POV but you certainly need help, behind your eyes there’s a constant SOS

Teddy: Hopefully we’ll end up visiting the same therapist, wouldn’t that be fun? Not to mention cost effective & you do love to pretend we’re poor

Gia: When did you turn into this?

Gia: You got plenty of attention, too much, perhaps

Teddy: Born, made, who cares? That’s for the professionals to decide, if you can get daddy dearest to listen to your pleas, that is

Gia: I’ll talk to mother

Teddy: Good luck, mother is my biggest champion & I her precious son

Gia: Exactly and she should be concerned with your well-being, of which it won’t be hard to convince her

Teddy: She knows more about how I feel than you

Gia: Oh, I dread to think

Teddy: Naturally, you cower from emotion

Gia: Your emotional incest is something to be disturbed by

Teddy: & your projection isn’t? Go & have another private meeting with father, why don’t you?

Gia: It may surprise you to learn that everyone else here is working, not being a degenerate 

Teddy: It would surprise me, yeah

Gia: You are so singularly irritating 

Gia: if it wasn’t so useless, you could consider it a skill

Teddy: At least you still have some skin to get under, I suppose

Gia: I’m not the problem here, Theodore

Teddy: Neither am I, Georgiana 

Teddy: I’ve had a very productive morning

Gia: Where?

Teddy: I’ve snooped through J’s desk, had a little sleep & then after some incredible dreams I… well, you were there for that

Gia: Have you not done enough damage with your inability to mind your business

Gia: You better put back anything you’ve found

Teddy: Damage? You should be thanking me

Gia: You shouldn’t have got in the middle of things, that’s not your place

Teddy: My place isn’t to stand idly by & it shouldn’t be yours

Gia: Don’t pretend you care

Teddy: They’re an embarrassment, of course I care

Gia: About James, you psychopath

Teddy: Because you’re such a loving big sister

Gia: It’s his marriage to solve or dissolve, it had nothing to do with you

Teddy: He wasn’t planning to DO anything

Gia: I told you he was

Teddy: What’s your word, or his, good for?

Gia: Excuse me, you wouldn’t know the first thing about loyalty

Teddy: If I say I’m going to do something, it happens

Teddy: you’re both all talk, you haven’t even set a date yet

Gia: I’m not going to rush my wedding, to prove a point to you

Teddy: But are you going to have a wedding? If you don’t hurry up you’ll be skipping straight to funeral

Gia: That’s a horrible and stupid thing to say

Gia: He’s in perfect health and has done nothing to you

Teddy: Keep checking

Gia: You don’t care about anyone’s happiness but your own

Gia: perhaps that’s why I don’t come to you with any news

Teddy: You’re not happy, Gia

Gia: Why on earth do you think that’s something you get to decide, as if you have the first clue

Teddy: It’s something I just know

Teddy: whenever you pick up your morning newspaper it must look like you’re posing for a hostage photo, the poor neighbours are bound to be on the highest alert

Gia: Your problem is you think everyone wants what you want, like you’re not chronically childish and immature

Teddy: Yours is you’re scared to go after what you want for some reason

Gia: I have what I want

Teddy: Daddy’s approval begins & ends when you walk out that door, it definitely won’t keep you warm at night & he isn’t going to warm to who is whether or not your engagement spans the next decade

Gia: Daddy supports me entirely, a fact you’re just jealous of, clearly

Teddy: He’s indifferent to act until it’s too late, like father like eldest son, don’t flatter yourself it’s because he thinks you’re making the best choices

Gia: Are you scared you’ll never make him proud with any of yours

Teddy: Ha ha

Teddy: I’d hate to accidentally make him proud, the fact you imagine it would ever be deliberate shows how clueless you are

Gia: How edgy

Gia: the fact is you needn’t try the rebel child act, you’re disappointing as a default

Teddy: As are you, for the unfortunate shame of being born a girl

Gia: Sure, oopsy-baby

Teddy: I could fuck up a million times & still be more wanted than you, that’s why you’re crippled with jealousy

Gia: You’re deluded 

Gia: There is nothing about you to be jealous of, you have nothing, you do nothing

Teddy: Keep telling yourself that as you keep having your husband’s health checked

Gia: You’ll have a drug-induced heart attack by the time you’re 20, Seb is a thousand times healthier than you and that is just sad

Teddy: Tragic that I’ll die happy while you live in misery

Gia: Is that what you think happiness is?

Teddy: I have 0 regrets, you have nothing else

Gia: You convince yourself of that on your own time

Gia: Go and actually achieve something today

Teddy: Orgasm is the aim, if you’ll kindly stop interrupting me

Gia: I was serious, get out of James’ office

Teddy: Call security to remove me

Gia: No, because you want to make a scene

Teddy: Then you aren’t that serious 

Gia: No one else wants to walk in on you being so gross, get on with your work

Teddy: What work? I’m waiting for your list

Gia: I sent it at the start of the day, do I really have to show you how to use an email inbox

Teddy: You could send it to an email I have access to

Gia: [copy and paste it here because you’re sick of him lol]

Teddy: Thanks

Gia: 👍

Teddy: [ask her a question about how to do the first thing on the list even though you easily could do it yourself, just to annoy her]?

Gia: I’ll get [someone dull and annoying] to talk you through it, hold on

Teddy: The future boss of the company shouldn’t be encouraging me to corrupt [this person]

Gia: Where did I do that

Teddy: You’re giving them to me to distract

Gia: I’m not giving anyone to you, [name] is going to show you how to do this basic task you apparently have no clue about

Teddy: Okay, sure, officially

Gia: You’re unwell, how could you even think like that

Teddy: How mean to [this poor person lol]

Gia: No one here wants anything to do with you, especially like that, you are a child

Teddy: How mean to me

Gia: You deserve it

Teddy: For what? I’ve already [done this first task]

Gia: So carry on and I will give you more when you’ve finished

Gia: was that so hard?

Teddy: Can’t you take me to [somewhere rich to get coffee from] instead?

Gia: Why would I do that?

Teddy: Oh come on

Gia: I don’t want to see you again, never mind have coffee, why would we put ourselves through that

Teddy: Fine, I’ll take half the office

Teddy: see how much work gets done

Gia: [some intern] gets coffee at [an o’clock]

Teddy: 🥱

Gia: We aren’t here for entertainment

Teddy: The truest thing you’ve ever said

Gia: This is a job, the people who work here are not childminders, you receive no special treatment

Teddy: It isn’t my job

Gia: It will be and whilst you’re here, it is, you’re training

Teddy: I’m leaving

Gia: Do not

Teddy: Why not?

Gia: Daddy has asked you to be here, to prove yourself

Teddy: It’s unbearable here

Gia: How?

Teddy: You wouldn’t understand, you’re turned on by it

Gia: I don’t know what you’re talking about right now, what do you mean

Teddy: I don’t care about [whatever job they do]

Gia: You’ll have to earn money somehow

Teddy: I’ll marry into it, like you

Gia: You still need a job, what are you going to do with your life?

Teddy: Look at our mother, she’s perfectly content

Gia: Ha!

Teddy: You’re really cruel to her

Gia: She is a drain and a mess

Gia: If she’d bothered to find a career, she wouldn’t be so miserable

Teddy: But I’m the one who believes everyone wants what I want

Gia: Why else is she a hysterical alcoholic, her life has no purpose

Teddy: Because her husband treats her awfully, perhaps, for a start

Gia: She’s awful, it’s impossible to have an intelligent conversation with her, he needs that

Teddy: I’ll be getting extremely intelligent conversation from girls half his age he picks up in bars

Gia: Don’t start this again

Teddy: Try & excuse it, I can’t wait

Gia: I don’t need to excuse everything he does to understand why

Gia: not that you know anything on authority 

Teddy: [drop a story because I imagine a vibe like Ellie’s being the reason he hates his dad so much, esp if he was young when it happened, not you revealing this tea you haven’t told anyone before because you’re still wasted and then immediately wishing you hadn’t because you know it won’t hit her the same]

Gia: I will tell you again, this is why you don’t involve yourself in other people’s business, especially adults

Gia: you aren’t helping anyone, yourself included

Teddy: I wasn’t, I didn’t ask for that

Gia: You always take it to this place, families aren’t meant to talk about things like this

Gia: keep it private, it’s for the best

Teddy: You always find a way to blame me

Gia: Because you make me uncomfortable, why bring that up

Teddy: How do you think I felt? I was [however old we’re saying you were]

Gia: It isn’t as if it was done on purpose 

Gia: and there’s nothing to be done now

Teddy: You’re impossible

Teddy: I’m going home

Gia: He’s a grown man, Teddy, I don’t know what you expect me to say

Gia: he’s well within his rights to do as he pleases

Teddy: [just leave sir because you’re annoyed at yourself that you said it and annoyed at her she doesn’t care, do your 2nd diva storm out]

Gia: [I’m sure your father will have a go when he realises but c’est la vie there huns, can’t force him to stay, nor is she going to chase you down obvs]

Teddy: [bowl up to Nancy’s gaff uninvited obvs expecting her to be there but she isn’t]

Teddy: Where could you have possibly gone? It’s SO early

Nancy: I should lie and say I’ve hit the gym but you’d only show up and find no one but the gym bros

Nancy: What are you doing back in the daylight?

Teddy: You’re yet to answer my question, do & maybe I’ll answer yours

Nancy: Such a stickler for the rules

Nancy: nowhere exciting, I had a brunch, the only time my friends will drink these days is with avocado toast, apparently, so here I am 💁‍♀️

Teddy: It’s the only place your friends can dress in their drag, you mean

Teddy: When are you coming back?

Nancy: 😏 [a supposed BFF] does go heavy with the contour but these men walk better in heels

Nancy: What’s the matter, darling, you seem off

Teddy: I’ve noticed, we all have, on both counts

Teddy: I’m sad 

Nancy: 🥺 What’s happened?

Nancy: [the code to this apartment], you’ll be better off drowning your sorrows there, it’s really, REALLY depressing here

Teddy: My father & sister have been ganging up on me ALL morning, expecting me to work an unbearable job for the rest of my life

Nancy: How horrific

Nancy: I think that’s all fathers know how to talk about once you’re over the age of 8

Teddy: It’s as if they both speak in code, truly

Nancy: And you feel left out, right

Teddy: We used to be close, me & her, he takes everything away

Nancy: You poor thing

Nancy: Why does your dad hate you?

Teddy: Because I see what he’s really like

Nancy: Be about right, people can’t stand their bullshit being called out

Teddy: & unlike J or my mother I will

Nancy: Why does he even make you work, that HAS to be against labour laws, you’re still in school

Teddy: He can’t make me, I left

Nancy: Good for you

Nancy: did you come to see me or see if the party was still going on

Teddy: It’s the same thing, isn’t it?

Nancy: ‘Course

Nancy: [someone particularly lairy] got us shut down at 10 am though, sorry 

Teddy: What a pity

Teddy: still, as I said, you ARE the party, darling

Nancy: You’re too kind

Nancy: doesn’t your head hurt?

Teddy: No

Teddy: come back to me

Nancy: You need cheering up

Teddy: 🥺💔 absolutely

Nancy: The bath is incredible

Nancy: you probably saw

Teddy: I don’t remember

Teddy: [but a fully clothed reclining selfie a sec later when he’s checking it out lol]

Nancy: 😅

Nancy: See, even you look small in it

Teddy: Oh no

Teddy: the word small doesn’t cheer me up at all

Nancy: Adorably so, of course

Nancy: the beds are just as huge

Teddy: [a selfie of you reclining the same way on what you know to be her bed because you had to deliberately choose that one]

Nancy: There

Nancy: by the time you’ve had a long soak and a nap, I can be back

Teddy: Okay, there is a dream from earlier I’d love to have again

Nancy: Yeah? Your desk is comfy then

Teddy: It was my brother’s actually

Nancy: Of course, I remember he’s still very much on the holiday from hell with wifey

Teddy: [tell her something you found in his desk, clearly not incriminating cos I’m not trying to do James dirty like that but something y’all will find funny even if it’s only taking the piss out of how boring he is now]

Nancy: How is he SUCH a nerd now, it blows my mind

Teddy: [tell a story from his messy era like it’s a good thing, for the comparison and the mems like yeah I know, remember when]

Nancy: RIP J ⚰️

Nancy: It’s so sad, feel like I should be throwing funerals, not attending engagement parties and baby showers 

Teddy: At least you look good in black & you can wear it to every one of those events 🖤

Nancy: White for weddings, obviously, watch the meltdown ensue

Teddy: Oh of course, luckily it suits you as well 🤍

Nancy: You’re in a better mood already, I’ll bring you back one of these tacky glittery cowboy hats if you like

Teddy: You’d like me to model it for you

Nancy: Duh, you’d look fabulous

Teddy: Right now I would

Teddy: [a pic of the full bath but not a pic of you in it because the idea being you’re about to get in, I just know there’s a sneaky naked reflection of you that you’re pretending is an accident/you don’t know about but we all do]

Nancy: You’re more than welcome to do a photoshoot, [your current flatmate] and my cousin do all the time 

Teddy: Thanks, it’s a very welcoming space

Nancy: I like it, better than home

Teddy: Me too

Nancy: You can be one of my strays

Teddy: Not the most flattering, but sure 😽

Nancy: No, I do usually try not to say it to their faces

Nancy: I just mean I don’t mind it, if you need to escape your family’s world sometimes

Teddy: As long as you don’t mind

Nancy: Why would I?

Teddy: No reason, naturally, I’m a delight

Nancy: No, me 😋

Teddy: Yes, you

Nancy: Besides, you entertain me and I am reminded how few people do these days

Teddy: Last night was, true

Nancy: What you remember, at least

Teddy: I remember everything

Nancy: I remember you leaving in a mood

Teddy: At your request

Nancy: Did not

Teddy: [send her a screenshot of that message she sent to her bf saying she’d send everyone home]

Nancy: When have I ever ended a party early?

Teddy: [a time when it wasn’t her fault or her own choice remotely and he knows that damn well but he’s still bringing it up to be petty cos still salty that she wanted her bf and not him]

Nancy: 😑 you’re gonna bring up the ONE time, really

Teddy: Who am I if I don’t?

Nancy: I suppose that’s true too

Nancy: still, you know how it is

Teddy: Yeah, I know I’m being super unfair when you’ve been the nicest to me

Nancy: You have to lie to boyfriends, I wouldn’t have kicked anyone out

Nancy: we’re friends

Teddy: Ignore me, Nance, I’m bad company

Nancy: but I understand, the family thing

Teddy: This is the bitch she’s become, I shouldn’t be surprised

Nancy: You’re allowed to be disappointed

Nancy: that’s what the bar is for

Teddy: What are you drinking? I’ll join you

Nancy: Are you going to make them bring it to you in the bath?

Nancy: [tell him, it’s usually mimosas]

Teddy: Definitely

Nancy: I don’t know how I’m going to live without staff when I have to leave

Nancy: it’s the best

Teddy: Just hire some

Nancy: My parents wouldn’t pay for it now if they realised

Teddy: Won’t [her bf’s name, Theo? I think my boo said because he’s clearly stalked him this AM haha and hence knows] pay?

Nancy: Doubt it, maybe if I lived with him but he wouldn’t want that either

Teddy: What’s wrong with him? Aside from the obvious

Nancy: You’d be nicer, would you?

Nancy: Just what guys are like

Teddy: It wouldn’t be difficult

Nancy: He does what I need him to

Nancy: I guess I’ll have to be like your sister and go older if I want everything paid for

Teddy: Steal him, please, I beg of you 🙏

Nancy: You’re still hopeful she’s not a total lost cause then

Teddy: OR I’m eager for her to be devastated, which she claims is the case in that scenario

Nancy: You asked nicely anyhow, I will do

Teddy: You’re the best

Nancy: I know

Nancy: You can owe me

Teddy: Okay, I will

Nancy: Did you lie about [the girl] calling me disabled?

Teddy: Maybe

Nancy: Knew it

Teddy: I must’ve mixed her up with [someone else who we’re now saying did just for fun when they absolutely did not]

Nancy: Easily done 😏

Nancy: and you did me a massive favour anyway

Teddy: You’re welcome then

Nancy: I might date him instead, what do you think?

Teddy: [drag this poor man to filth because you’re jealous but in a very real way that’s tailored to who he actually is/what he looks like etc etc because obvs]

Nancy: You’re so fussy this morning!

Teddy: You said you were looking for my opinion

Nancy: I can’t rely on your sister’s old man for all my gratification though, can I, we’ve got to be realistic

Teddy: [send her an even more dramatic sex toy link than you have ever before]

Teddy: There

Nancy: Okay 🛒📦

Teddy: [send her however much it costs, just because]

Nancy: Your parents don’t check what you spend your cash on, do they

Teddy: Don’t be ridiculous, they barely bother with the amounts never mind the individual transactions

Nancy: How the rich stay rich… I truly do not know

Nancy: I guess you don’t owe me now, well played 

Teddy: Working in [a deliberately wrong guess at what your father does], apparently

Nancy: You can't waste your life doing that, you’ll end up like your brother

Teddy: I’m aware & it isn’t going to happen

Nancy: Don’t let it, or you’re so dead to me

Teddy: [a dramatic video of him doing under the water like he’s drowning or an angsty gal in a teen movie haha, those are the exact vibes, even though we all know it actually isn’t going to happen]

Nancy: 😭😭💀 how long can you hold your breath then

Teddy: Shall we find out?

Nancy: No cheating

Teddy: Can you be trusted to count or are you too disabled?

Nancy: Shut up and get under that water or I’ll come back and drown you myself

Teddy: & tear yourself away from brunch with the girls? Never

Nancy: You wish I would

Teddy: Yes

Nancy: 🥺 boy

Teddy: Why do you want me to be alone & upset?

Nancy: I don’t, only when I am

Teddy: So get in a car that’ll bring you home

Nancy: then what though

Teddy: I told you, you’re the party

Nancy: Invite people over

Teddy: Who?

Nancy: Whoever you want

Teddy: Tell me who you want

Nancy: As many people as possible

Teddy: [put that info out so she can see that you have even though you’re still in the bath and you only want it to be y’all]

Nancy: Good

Nancy: I’ll come back now

Teddy: 🛀🏼🥂

Teddy: you can 🧽🧼 my back

Nancy: I’m not staff, honey

Teddy: I thought we were friends?

Nancy: Friends don’t turn friends into criminals

Teddy: [name drop some peeps you both know who got arrested together for something like those do haha]

Nancy: SO Bonnie and Clyde

Nancy: definitely didn’t buy their way out of any time

Teddy: & I’d buy you out too

Nancy: my hero

Teddy: Let me be

Nancy: Does it really count if you just save me from trouble you get me in? 🤔

Teddy: I could save you from any

Teddy: everything

Nancy: Nah

Teddy: & anyway, I got into trouble at work because of you

Nancy: Um, you’re welcome for a start but also I didn’t do anything

Teddy: That’s where you’re wrong, you did a lot

Nancy: Am I proud?

Teddy: You’d be a fool not to feel something, are you a fool?

Nancy: That’s not the diagnosis I got either, no

Teddy: Be proud

Nancy: I’d be prouder if you got officially fired but it’ll do for now

Teddy: As soon as I’m officially hired

Nancy: 🤞 jobs are for losing, everyone knows that

Teddy: Jobs are for losers

Nancy: That’s what I’ve been saying, who wants to waste their life making money for someone else to be thrown a bone

Teddy: Exactly, I knew you’d understand

Nancy: Your dad is braver than my parents, or stupider

Nancy: they weren’t going to offer me any place in their precious business

Teddy: He’s the latter, he’d hand it to G over J if he gave a real fuck about business  

Nancy: You should get it instead, imagine all the fun you could have wasting the family fortune

Teddy: I often imagine

Teddy: [send her some more money purely because you’re thinking about wasting it]

Nancy: stop it 😍😍😍😍

Teddy: Buy yourself a new dress, last night’s is a write off

Nancy: You did ruin it

Teddy: Completely

Nancy: [the puker] ruined the game though

Teddy: Have you chosen your revenge yet?

Nancy: I was thinking you should decide, as it made you leave

Teddy: I want you to orchestrate it, something you think I’d enjoy

Nancy: Okay

Nancy: challenge accepted

Teddy: Don’t disappoint me, please

Nancy: I won’t be able to drown myself, I’m far too good at holding my breath

Teddy: What’s your record?

Nancy: [I have no idea but something impressive lol] everything was a competition with my brother

Teddy: I don’t believe you, you’ll have to get in the hot tub

Nancy: I will, it’s a great party trick

Nancy: very rude of you to doubt me

Teddy: It’ll be an even better memory, you should be thanking me for this chance to prove yourself

Nancy: I won’t thank you

Nancy: but maybe I’ll teach you, if you’re suitably impressed

Teddy: Silly me, I needed to challenge you to get me my own outfit, I’ll hardly be dressed to impress in these work clothes

Nancy: Aw, are you wearing a suit?

Teddy: [send a pic of whatever you were wearing in a crumpled heap on the floor by this bath]

Nancy: Send me more money and I’ll stop in [whatever boujee shops are between where you are now and there]

Teddy: [do, love that she’s picking him an outfit after he chose hers last night]

Nancy: [come through your shared bad taste lmao]

Nancy: 😁

Teddy: Thank you, darling 

Teddy: I’d wear a towel all night otherwise

Nancy: Can’t have that

Teddy: Imagine the games

Nancy: I daren’t

Teddy: Dare, live a little

Teddy: there aren’t thought police

Nancy: My thoughts are private, you need to be a better friend to access them

Teddy: My own challenge as well? I accept

Nancy: May the best man win

Teddy: He will

Nancy: I will

Nancy: you don’t want to be an old-fashioned sexist like your dad, do you

Teddy: Good point, I’ll let you win

Nancy: Hey

Teddy: Enjoy your hollow victory

Nancy: 😠

Nancy: I will win fair and square and you will cry about it

Teddy: When have you ever done anything fair & square or seen me cry?

Nancy: Now I’d HATE to embarrass you like that

Teddy: Oh would you? SUCH conveniently timed politeness though

Nancy: You conveniently forget how long I’ve known your family

Teddy: No I don’t, great memories

Nancy: and I’m so proud you’re not a crybaby any longer, allegedly

Teddy: You’re so proud of me, that’s the important thing

Nancy: Take it

Teddy: You can’t take it back

Nancy: Didn’t have my fingers crossed

Teddy: Why would you? It’s how you honestly feel

Nancy: Still a wind-up though, that hasn’t changed

Teddy: I’m the entertainment after all

Nancy: Isn’t that just how you like it

Teddy: I don’t dislike it or I wouldn’t be here

Nancy: and you’re hiding

Teddy: There are other places I could hide

Nancy: but I’m the party

Teddy: I chose you

Nancy: I’m on my way to choose your outfit

Teddy: You’re going to [guessing a shop because he’s trying to guess what she might pick] first?

Nancy: Shh, no spoilers

Teddy: Please 🥺

Nancy: There is so much I have to teach you

Teddy: I’m ready when you are

Nancy: Lessons have begun, baby

Teddy: Anything but would be a waste of both our time & I’m certain that’s a rule you stand by, no time wasters 

Nancy: I have nothing but time but I’m tiring of boring people abusing that 

Nancy: so yes

Teddy: Are you teaching me a lesson with what you’re going to have me wear or are you being nice?

Nancy: First lesson is in patience, otherwise known as anticipation 

Nancy: Do you think I’m going to be nice to you? Think about whether you deserve that

Teddy: Oh I am, it’s all I’m thinking of

Nancy: I do hope there’s no double meaning behind that

Teddy: I’m always direct 

Nancy: An admirable quality, I think

Teddy: A quality I’m stuck with nonetheless so it’s just as well you like it

Nancy: I don’t need to like it, it’s irrelevant

Teddy: Not to me

Nancy: You’re eager to please

Teddy: Today needn’t be a write off too

Nancy: Last night wasn’t, was it

Teddy: It had its moments

Nancy: No need to fill me in

Teddy: You were there

Nancy: Unfortunately close proximity, yes

Teddy: It’s unfortunate you consider yourself hard done by

Nancy: Only personal in the sense your girlfriend was entirely uninvited

Teddy: Was she?

Nancy: Never seen her before in my life, people are so strange

Teddy: She speaks highly of you, maybe she’s your stalker

Nancy: 😬 Now I’ll have to check none of my intimates are missing

Teddy: Allow me

Teddy: What are friends for?

Nancy: How are you going to know how many pairs I had to begin with… 🤔👀

Teddy: Don’t you? I’ll be saying a number & it’s either correct or it isn’t

Nancy: A likely story, Teds

Teddy: Darling, if I was in the habit of stealing it’d be your [idk something boujee she has which he likes]

Nancy: Well, don’t you dare touch [this thing]

Nancy: give a damn about my underwear

Teddy: I’ll only look, I promise

Nancy: I don’t know if I can trust you

Teddy: But I promised!

Nancy: Does that usually work for you, sweetheart? Full 🥺 and everything

Nancy: you’re going to lose count, by the way

Teddy: You’re wasting your breath pretending it doesn’t work on you

Nancy: 😏 go away, I’m very busy spending your money  

Teddy: [do because you’re in the bath, actually relax]

Nancy: [come back, having undoubtedly taken ages because a challenge and also just something you enjoy to do obvs, laying this outfit out for him on the bed]

Teddy: [get out of the bath, finally, when you hear her come back and be wandering through in a towel to check out this outfit]

Nancy: [got to be doing the most to not look at him, here on your phone asking more people to come over ASAP and getting a drink made for you because we know we can’t be left alone with you]

Teddy: [this boy just rudely reclining, always like a cat, wet and in a towel on her bed because in no rush to get dressed and make life any easier for her even if he likes the outfit she has chosen which I’m sure he does, gesturing to her other bags like gimme so he can be nosy about what she has bought for herself because he told her to replace the dress she ruined last night and I’m sure she has]

Nancy: [making a face like we are disgusted by you, shaking our head like you’re a badly behaved child because the energy we must try to give, still, throwing this bag at you because not so FUMING, even fakely, that we need to go that hard; definitely spent as much as you could, no thoughts of giving any money back here, sitting down on the end of the bed like well, what do you think?]

Teddy: [a lol because he is a badly behaved child but we know she isn’t disgusted by it, getting this outfit out and holding it up to inspect it properly, deliberately and rudely waiting until she has sat down before gesturing for her to stand up like we’ve gotta at least see these clothes held against her if not fully modelled before we form an opinion]

Nancy: [when you’re never the well-behaved one and thus you hate it and are also really bad at it, scowling at him like this is all his fault as you snatch the outfit back and defiantly take off whatever you’re wearing to put this on here and now because two can play at this game]

Teddy: [we love to see it haha, the fact that other people would look away or peep more sneakily but he’s just blatantly not, god bless, being a dick and making her do a twirl with a gesture, really gotta lay it on thick and prolong this esp because she scowled and thus he knows he’s annoying her]

Nancy: [the risk of you attempting to play fight him whilst he’s just in a towel and you’re probably not zipped into this outfit is huge but we gotta because that’s who we are, acting like we’re going to forcibly dress him here]

Teddy: [and he’s likewise not gonna refuse so here they are having the most dangerous playfight not fucks given, such a flashforward to the pillow fight they had when Grace was faffing getting ready that almost turned into a hookup, love that for you because he’s definitely trying to use a pillow to ‘fight’ her off rn]

Nancy: [we see y’all getting your frustration out in any way you can, giving full siblings with the way we’re pinching you and pulling your hair, not here to play fair, clearly, hence we’re also calling him a little shit and other little brother type things to further annoy him and amuse ourself]

Teddy: [mhmm, catch him likewise not holding back but giving full lil bro and 🥺 whenever she dares to do anything back to him, purely to annoy her and because she tried to say she is immune to it when we know she is not]

Nancy: [should be ashamed how blatantly turned on you are but when are you ever suitably embarrassed ma’am, never, at least we’re not acknowledging it, that is something lol, just gotta use that pillow to cover your face like I will suffocate you if I have to]

Teddy: [it’s a miracle his towel has stayed on truly and that’s the only thing vaguely hiding how turned on he is, but really we all know like in the java convo it’ll only really draw more attention to it and rather than being mortified by that he’s here for it, as he is getting suffocated but that won’t stop him turning the tables purely to show how easily he can overpower her and hurl this pillow far away, I’m sure causing carnage knocking something over that neither of them care about because they are rich dickheads]

Nancy: [it’s nothing you own because this is a hotel and one you obviously trash all the time, all you have here is the stuff you need for your day to day, the rest is all still at home, the way you wouldn’t even look over says it all, just STARING at him in a way you could pretend was you still fuming but really you’re just !! and don’t know where to go next]

Teddy: [mhmm, he isn’t either he’s too busy LOOKING at her like don’t you ignore me I’m the best thing at this party energy, not breaking it as he zips her into this outfit, lingering over it, which I love because you’d expect him to do the opposite in this moment but we’re letting her know how much we like it and want her to be wearing it for whatever happens next]

Nancy: [making a noise that is like the start of a laugh but not fully committing, the kind you do when you’re shocked and/or in disbelief because not what we were expecting either, definitely imagining you pulling a way more childish move to ‘win’ here so we don’t have a response ready, pulling yourself up as if you are moving in to kiss him but obviously you cannot and you have to get up and leave the bedroom to be back at the bar without saying another word]

Teddy: [moving like he’s gonna continue this playfight and/or throw her back onto this bed because he easily could, but he isn’t, he’s letting her go, getting up and fixing this towel which is hanging by a thread but still STARING at her as she makes this exit]

Nancy: [LOOKING back at him as if you were dragged out because how it feels to ever do the right thing to you because you don’t want to but you also don’t want the pisstaking that would come from you doing anything with this boy, asking the butler to make him a drink and sliding it along the bar like there you go]

Teddy: [come and get this drink and instead of downing it like I’m sure you’d very much want to, take your time to prolong being stood there with her, again very visibly in nothing but a towel and knowing you look great]

Nancy: [me like the staff do not need to see this but have invariably seen so much worse, with this girl and her nonsense alone, never mind the other twats who stay here thinking they’re rockstars; ANYWAY, drink your juice Shelby and begin doing something on your phone, which is looking up and befriending Seb on linkedin so you can show him]

Teddy: [when that isn’t what you were expecting her to be doing on her phone, you blatantly assumed she was inviting more peeps to this party or talking to her boring bf or whatever so when you see that you are BUZZING, grinning at her as you clink your glass against hers and do another toast like you did last night this one being ‘to you, and the start of your scheming’ because last night’s was to you and the end of your boredom so it’s nice mirroring]

Nancy: [grin back at him because nothing you love more than scheming, hence you have this linkedin that is clearly full of lies because you are not a business bitch but not gonna be the first time you’ve pretended to be to reel in a dude like Seb, just showing him this profile of bullshit as you take a sip, groaning at the boring thing he inevitably does for a job that you’re going to have to pretend to care about]

Teddy: [mhmm, your parents are business bitches you’d know how to fake it and so would Teddy so I’m sure you can add some stuff to her profile to make it sound even more legit while you badmouth this poor man and talk about how he should be retired as if he’s 92, we all know he’s old but he deffo isn’t as old as you act like he is]

Nancy: [the way he clearly loves Gia/isn’t this stereotypical dickhead because he isn’t biting at what is a blatant seduction here, awkward for y’all but you can have fun whilst you’re plotting now ‘maybe she’s looking to give stepmom?’ as if you can see no other reason for her to be with this man ‘what are his kids like?’]

Teddy: [all your schemes can’t pay off that isn’t how life works and what y’all are gonna do to Grace soon is horrific and clearly your big win, neither of y’all know that yet though so tell her all the tea about these step children which isn’t as much as you have in that era because you clearly don’t know them or Seb as well yet, nevertheless you’d have stalked and tried for all the goss cos that’s who you are]

Nancy: [we’ve said they’re probably younger than Teddy or his age thereabouts so clearly there’s nothing too interesting to be said about y’all yet, writing that off her motivations list like oh ‘you’re going to let me take all the blame if she finds out, yeah’ as a statement like lol you sneaky rat]

Teddy: [shaking his head because where’s the fun in that, especially if it did work which they have no reason to believe it couldn’t rn even if Seb isn’t taking the bait instantly, he’d be taking full credit, his face letting her know all of that because it doesn’t need to be said, as he’s having another drink]

Nancy: [‘you’re such a bitch’ smirking, like you wouldn’t also do something like this to your siblings, which we all know you would]

Teddy: [‘so is she’ with a shrug ‘and she started it’ so childish, love that he’s still in a towel btw, sir are you not cold]

Nancy: [we absolutely keep checking you out in a way that would make you really uncomfortable if you weren’t into it but as you are you can probably just ignore lol, at least it’s summer, and you won’t be embarrassed when people start showing, whenever they do ‘not surprised’ just like yeah she looks like one lol, taking his drink from him to have a sip just ‘cos]

Teddy: [keeping up the childish and sibling, but also flirty, vibes because we all remember how much they like spit in the future, by taking his drink from her before she can take that sip (because again look how strong I am and how easily I can stop you) and really dramatically spitting into the glass as if he’s just stopping her from stealing it and not doing the absolute most]

Nancy: [here with our mouth open like we are so shocked at your behaviour on this day and aren’t keeping ourselves from grinning or giving you a LOOK over it by keeping up this appalled demeanour, obviously we have to snatch that drink back and down it all like I WAS just going to have a sip but now you get nothing, not to mention the challenge of it all, pushing the empty glass back towards him]

Teddy: [couldn’t be MORE into it, even though he knew she was gonna do that because ofc he nevertheless cannot take his eyes off the spectacle of it for a single second, getting the poor butler to refill his glass and then downing it himself so that he doesn’t do something more extra, deliberately making sure his mouth rests where hers did on the glass]

Nancy: [wiping your mouth on the back of your hand as you’re watching him, the smudge of the lipstick you would’ve been wearing for brunch catching your eye and at least giving you a genuine reason to go to the bathroom and fix this before you likewise do something you should not]

Teddy: [you should take this opportunity to go and get dressed but we all know you’re instead reclining on the sofa where they had their moment last night and he made out with his gf, just reliving it all nbd while we wait for her to come back]

Nancy: [my boo says if you do not put some clothes on lmao, meanwhile trying to have a come to jesus in this bathroom as we fix our face from all the messing about you two have been doing, probably taking some selfies of this new outfit when you have]

Teddy: [truly, but if he did that then he wouldn’t be able to have her walk in on him ‘accidentally’ fixing this towel which unlike what his poor sister walked in on is entirely deliberate, cos always gotta do and show her the most while pretending we are not, as if it would fall down when you’re just lying here but didn’t when y’all were playfighting, don’t be silly sir, we all see what you’re up to]

Nancy: [it’s so blatant, love to see the sheer brazeness of acting as if this could be in any way accidental, actually laughing when we come back through like really? ‘You’re a menace’ sitting down on the sofa like you’re entirely unphased and the only person he’s affecting is himself here but you never try hard enough to not look]

Teddy: [the way he would’ve had to be waiting poised to time that is the most blatant thing ever, but he’d still be saying ‘It was an accident’ and lying so convincingly with the body language and everything included that anyone else would believe he’s telling the truth because just letting her know how well he can lie before he’s grinning and lounging again and letting the facade slip]

Nancy: [‘do you not like the outfit?’ said with an air of and what’s wrong with it because clearly we think what we bought you was a serve because not trying to make you look ugly for no reason but lols here, not the vibe ‘or…’ leaving so much unsaid in this or because we know why you’re actually still undressed and we have to let you know that, likewise reclining on this sofa]

Teddy: [‘I love it’ because he do, but pulling her closer to him in a aw there, there kinda way of soz if I hurt your feelings, putting an arm around her as if only to comfort and cheer her ‘I’m making myself at home, that’s all’ in a you said I’m your new pet and should way, resting his head in her lap like said pet, LOOKING up at her]

Nancy: [‘I misspoke, I obviously meant pest’ like my mistake, you irritating creature but we aren’t pushing you away or starting another play fight here because the truth is we’re hugely lonely and like how at home you are making yourself, duh, stroking his hair absentmindedly]

Teddy: [a quieter lil lol like oh you, he was blatantly gonna make another joke about her being disabled but then she’s stroking his hair and it feels nice so instead of being a bitch he closes his eyes as if he’s gonna have the nap she said he could have here and now]

Nancy: [also closing your eyes briefly, mainly because you can’t do anything about the LOOK he gave you and you are struggling at this point lol, still I know people will start arriving soon and you can’t be looking this domestic, doing a big sigh like ugh as you go to get up ‘you were too long in the bath’ like there’s no time for a nap now, boy]

Teddy: [making a noise like a grumpy child when you’re trying to wake them up from a nap and they don’t wanna even though he isn’t asleep yet, making himself more comfy in her lap so she can’t leave doing a shhh that’s really hot like no no I do what I want]

Nancy: [saying his name like you’re telling off a child but ultimately it sounds kinda !! because of where the frustration actually lies]

Teddy: [when you gotta open your eyes and get up but you’re no less in her grill for that, of course you’re not, you’re more so if anything because back at the same kinda height, LOOKING at her once again like you’re waiting for her to say more]

Nancy: [stroking his hair back into place from where you’ve messed it up, biting the inside of your lip and not meeting his eyes even though you are this close to each other and you can feel him LOOKING at you]

Teddy: [doing a chin tilt so she has to look at you, or at least it’ll be harder for her not to, not at all casually the gentlest you’ve ever touched her so far, it’s FINE]

Nancy: [when the silence is SO loud you feel like your breathing is screaming in both your ears at this point with the intensity of the things we’re not saying, having to meet his eye, again, defiantly but the ‘don’t’ is quiet and soft in contrast]

Teddy: [his other hand going to the back of her neck, where last night’s tag was and today’s zip is, just resting there ‘don’t?’ because don’t what? as quietly, almost a whisper even though they are essentially the only ones here considering how little they care about staff or treat them as people]

Nancy: [‘you know’ because you do, very don’t play games right now energy, crossing your arms as a reaction for how you instinctively went to place your hand somewhere on him in response to how he’s touching you]

Teddy: [uncrossing her arms and using them to pull her even closer to him, into his lap practically ‘I’m not’ because this is very much not a game rn it’s far too serious]

Nancy: [nodding like yes you are but also as a way to hide the fact you not only allowed yourself to be pulled in but furthered how close by with your body there]

Teddy: [holding her face again but in a more !! way this time, shaking her head in a no to disagree but do it in the hottest way possible]

Nancy: [me having you fully crawl into his lap but then also me having to have your boyfriend of all people come busting in so you have never moved faster to be away from this boy]

[waitingformyfavoritesongs]

25 April 2023 Tuesday 6:05 pmpt

I am not proud that I gave some people a hard time . Auto save green box 📦. We were living in a very quiet neighborhood relatively lower in crime I guess or perceived to be? Bcz it was quiet. I don’t like it when someone tries to control me and I thought 💭 that’s what my aunt was trying to do when I already told her I was going to the bank 🏦. She told me to stay home 🏠 and that she was going to the bank 🏦 with my mom and she wanted me to watch her daughter. I was scared to go by myself and I already arranged to go(hot so hot 🥵 feels like acid in my skull 💀 left upper inline with ear 👂. 😤🥵😤🥵😤🥵😖😭left eye 👁 area pain brain 🧠 acid pain 6:12 pm pt. I didn’t like the way she dictated it to me. I thought 💭 she was trying to walk all over me. She did it to me again when she wanted to sleep 🛌 on my mom’s bed b4 we went to this hotel 🏨. She told me her moldy mattress was now mine and my mom’s clean mattress was hers. 6:15 pm pt. I was paying for most of the rent when we moved in together end of 2014. She (acid hot left butt bone 🦴 pain 6:16 pmpt) was only paying 💰 $500/mo + some utilities. Hot acid brain 🧠 pain 6:17 pmpt. I feel like also Bcz she and her daughter didn’t want to be quiet 🤫 when me or and mom were still sleeping 🛌 they would fight and yell they didn’t appreciate that we made living there possible for them. She complained to me recently that she had a hard time after mom kicked her out. But you know, even though I helped make it possible for them to move in with us and she wanted to behave like my needs didn’t matter when I would forget about my experience with god and didn’t still connect the dots of why things were the way they are and her daughter tried to kill me early October 2011 by punching me in the head very hard that I started to believe what (acid throat pain 6:22 pmpt) I read in Wikipedia afterwards about the natural hole 🕳 in the top back of the skull 💀 Bcz she had a very powerful punch 🥊, like she showed off she could eat with her hands 🙌 and not get diarrhea... she they would make messes and leave it for us to clean up after them.... starts to feel like they’re good at talking sweet acting dumb and slyly sh*tting us (sharp scratch chin?)6:26 (left hip pain). I should have been nicer about some things but there were times I thought 💭 I got s*ck Bcz she put her hands 🙌 in food containers in 2013 and then in 2015 she asked if I wanted some of her 🥣 cereal and then she showed off touching her cereal with her hands 🙌 smiling and throwing it into her mouth 👄. That with telling me to control me , hogging the whole couch 🛋 when I was going to watch tv 📺, .. she trusted me enough to want me to watch her kid 👧 but she still wants to say I’m bad. And (acid brain 🧠 pain 6:31 pmpt and her kid tried to kill me even though I was nice 99% of the time to her. I let her into my home 🏠 and she still said to me I dont (7:04 pmpt) owe you nothing b*txh. Maybe if she didn’t try to kill me none of the living with other weird people would have happened. 6:33 pmpt if you can’t appreciate someone for even one thing like that that they do for you, then maybe it’s meant to be that you live with someone else. 6:34 pmpt 7:05 pmpt

7:29 pmpt I need to review stuff I learned from school and probably update. Maybe I regurgitate info too much w/o thinking it through. 7:31 pmpt acid/hot pain left hip thigh joint area minute ago. 7:32 pmpt

7:41 pmpt rich people who literally don’t do real work except brag about their good fortune... who only have time to have fun and brag about good fortune Bcz other people are doing the work being farmers and other dirtier harder work, but are so proud to torture children with rape and chopping off legs for barely doing anything wrong. Scott has no regard for a woman’s feelings about pregnancy. It’s easy for men to run away after getting what they want. I didn’t have that relationship with god that he would allow me to rape 11 year olds or autistic 17 year olds or run someone over and pretend it was an accident and have the police and lawyers as friends to rely on to get away with murder. All those rich people do things behind closed doors that are heinous and have pretentious? Smiles like they’re better than everyone else. Without god, would rape of a child or an innocent 17 year old with learning disability slide? If you allow my legs to be chopped off and for me to get eaten by acid you’re letting men get away with murder of rape victims. The horror of a stronger man overtaking you and violating you in violence in reality when there is no god to play referee. Ensuring the rapist he doesn’t have to worry. Daddy will take care of everything for you so there are no consequences for your roughness. A real rape with out god subduing the victims so they cannot fight back or remember? If they were able to fight back would the after rape have resulted in death? 7:53 pmpt Bcz I had a learning disability maybe Scott knew from Q? Maybe he thought he could get away whatever he wanted to without much effort? Chopping off my legs now is delayed effort for what a rapist would have done after the rape immediately. 7:55 7:56 pmpt giving me issues making me weird so it’s easier to make mistakes (acid brain 🧠 pain right jaw bone pain 8:01 pmpt) 8:06 pmpt

8:33 pmpt I don’t think I ever saw Scott at school. Only Santana row. 8:34 pmpt

8:36 pmpt Q also match made Jessica with Scott. 8:36 pmpt

8:37 pmpt I have been (pain left shin pain bone flesh 8:38 pmpt) I guess (ascid anus pain 8:38 pmpt) all the planet sightings are fake outs by god/incubus. Probably can only see planets if the satellite is with in vicinity of the planet. 8:41 pmpt Bcz with the way things are going, composting not at every location, 99%? can not afford to go shopping so there’s (left hip bone pain 😖😭 hot pain left knee) 8:43 pmpt, land fills, crops failing in cotton, inflation, people losing their bones/premature menopause, I would have left a long time ago for a new planet if there was a Choice. 8:46 pmpt left shoulder pain bone 8:46 pmpt. I 8:48 pmpt I guess seeing is believing. Can’t believe in any one if god/incubus is willing to lie about things like being married (vag pain mouth acid pain 8:50 pmpt) mike Webster was a football player who had a lot of head trauma and bennet omalu said there are things that cut your brain when you hit your head. It’s not freely on the internet anymore they erased those details within the last 10 years. 8:52 pmpt so even if incubus gave me a tough skull at one point in my life he still did stuff to my brain to simulate the possible damage that would have happened to me when I did hit my head and when I got punched. My gray or white? (I forgot which one) matter would have depleted easily after trauma is the explanation dr. Amen gives to account for some stuff. Acid mouth pain. I guess that makes it easy for some people to get away with murder Bcz the damage is still done on the inside without seeing it on the outside. Acid mouth pain. 8:58 pmpt incubus takes pleasure in hurting me. Right hip pain bone 😖😭😞it still hurt a lot when I hit my skull 💀. It’s difficult to recall but I used to remember the intensity of the pain up until recently. I have (acid right shin forehead pain 9:02 pmpt) the memory of having the memory. Left shin bone 🦴 pain. 9:05 pmpt there’s a reason why (acid brain 🧠 pain 9:06 pmpt) he made me so hot 🥵 that it was unreal. Left arm pain. Why it would be put online instead of only telling me in my head? Why my city 🌃 was unbelievably hot 🥵 last year so some trees 🌳 are confused 🤷🏻‍♀️ and don’t have much leaves 🍃 and flowers 💐 now? It hurt so d*mn much the pain was so bad my skull 💀 and brain 🧠 9:11 pmpt. Maybe I’m delusional and don’t really understand what is going on. Bone 🦴 pain lower back butt left foot 🦶 pain acid rough brain 🧠 pain 9:15 pmpt I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ 9:16 pmpt

9:21 pmpt I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ how many charity cases he does so he can fake lookg like a merciful god. Maybe he made my skull 💀 tougher b4 hurting me Bcz it wasn’t fair to hurt me a lot but he still wanted to subject me to harder punishments. Now I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️. Bcz I made a bigger mistake than I should have. Now (left calf pain 9:25 pmpt) I’m afraid 😱 he’s going to kill me by hitting me with a car 🚗. 9:26 pmpt even if the pedestrian 🚶‍♂️ was fully capable of avoiding getting hit. When I am walking 🚶‍♂️ I always let the driver go first Bcz I could relate with not wanting to drive and wanting to be off the street sooner. 9:28 pmpt

9:30 pmpdt 9:36 pmpt even if the pedestrian 🚶‍♂️ completely dodged me/ didn’t get hit, like I think 💭 (Brain 🧠 acid rough pain 9:37 pmpt) he would still do it to me. 9:37 pmpt