#-physically ill. and other stuff made me anxious too but like

[many-gay-magpies]

anxiety oh anxiety. why have you come back to me

[haliteatiger]

I’m only just now seeing the dogblud stuff so I’m a bit late, but I just wanted to say that WOW firstly I am so sorry you went through that. And secondly I am autistic + ADHD and struggle with very severe meltdowns at times. I also have other mental stuff goin on that worsens them. but not even in my worst episodes or meltdowns have i EVER felt like it’s been ok or appropriate to speak to someone the way dogblud spoke to you, threatening suicide and so totally demeaning and subduing you. Actually appalling. Being autistic never gives us the right to treat someone like that. damn. I hope you have much better and more positive, healing, and enjoyable collaborative experiences going forward ❤️

Thank you so much for the reassurances, I really appreciate it!! I'm already well on my way to healing thanks to the new friends I've made through this, which I'm only sorry had to be through *this* at all. At the same time it's also making me realize the true extent of the damage as, despite my best efforts, I've been very anxious about collaborating with anyone, especially with regard to werewolves. I'm trying my best to avoid expectations of failure, disappointment, or worries of deceit, and carry on like I might have otherwise, but it's a struggle some days and carries a very similar tone to an earlier period in my life, so at least I know I will eventually grow beyond it provided I don't allow myself to be drawn into a similar situation. Healing, learning to function again in a similar space after what happened, isn't supposed to be easy, I suppose. For now, I'm more than happy to support and elaborate on others' projects and characters, and I know that, in the end, the biggest fuck you I can offer to Dog would be to complete and publish something. Bonus points if it's anything like what we had been working on together at the time. As it is, I can hardly bring myself to draw my own OCs from that period any more. I'll know I'll have made it when I can. In the meantime, I'm very grateful for the support folks like yourself have shown me after posting my story. It makes me physically ill looking at those screenshots. At one point in time, I would have become more angry than scared. I really, really wish I had just gone with my first impulse and pushed back a lot harder than what I did. All I kept thinking at the time, however, was "This is bad. Don't make it worse". lol I think Jackal and Rex handled things so much better than what I did, and admire their strength. I'm incredibly flattered that Jackal has asked to collaborate with me whenever I'm ready, too. I think, together, we'll make something wonderful that will more than make up for whatever we might have lost beforehand.

[boneyardbob]

Whoops I said I’d post this like three days ago my bad. Head canons for the masks in Marble Hornets! I may post a bunch of shorter stuff that are general headcanons soon. Also if you want more details on this lmk I’d love to dive deeper @forgottenporkbun @monszsterz

Here's my headcanons for the masks. Honestly I could go on like a huge, rambling essay about why I think these things, my inspo for these ideas, down to the details of what they feel like and how they work but Imma try and keep this short. I plan to put all that other stuff in my fics anyway and if you're reading this you'll probably wanna read my MH fics so you'll figure it out eventually. The idea that Tim and Brian made their mask with stuff from Hobby Lobby is REALLY funny but I have to stick with the idea the masks are gifts from The Operator (TO). Tim got his in college because if he was given it at any point while in the hospital, it would probably be found and taken away. TO waited until Tim was free before gifting it. Its when their "relationship" begun. TO switched from this unfamiliar, constantly looming monster into this warped guardian angel. This is obviously very fleeting because by the time Jay runs into Tim in MH, he's forgotten this entirely, or repressed it, and is back to viewing TO how he did his entire childhood.

During the tail end of college, while filming Alex's project, is when this Masked Era began and it ended for an unknown reason a quarter of the way into MH. My timeline isn't great but roughly that's the situation we're talking about. This is when we get all those videos of Masky and Hoody stalking Jay and Alex. I don't think I could fully call Tim and TO's relationship that of worship but that's the closest I can get. Tim knew what he was dealing with was some kind of unimaginable creature, but it could feel human emotions FOR HIM. At least if he listened. If Tim did what TO wanted, then in return he got benefits. At some point he understood TO needed him-either to keep living or to stay grounded to earth, and things got a little extra toxic. I imagine its a LOT like the Fears and their respective Avatars in TMA. I use you to get food, I give you powers that make it easier for you to get food, win win.

These benefits were really only accessed when wearing his mask. The more he wore it and the more work he put in for TO, the better things got. At the very least it instantly cleared up his lungs so he could breathe easily, he no longer suffered from migraines, he didn't have any hallucinations that weren't purposeful messages from TO, and most debilitating affects from mental disorders were gone so he wouldn't feel depressed or anxious. Fuck if I had a magical mask that made me neurotypical and took away my chronic illness I'd kill people in the woods too/j. More benefits were added on with time like growing stronger, healing faster, its kinda giving the vampires from Twilight ngl. My RP partner and I make a LOT of Twilight vampire jokes about them. It also spiraled Tim into a euphoric mania, giving him the energy and desire to sprint around the woods all hours of the night. This was an addictive sensation that had him craving his mask. He had to share it with someone.

His closest (and really only) friend at the time was Brian so he opened up to him about it and eventually got him involved. Because of Tim's medication and natural resilience to TO he eventually got OUT of this cult-like situation but Brian couldn't. He got to the point he was constantly under that mask and if he took it off for long enough, he'd probably suffocate and die. This explains why he ends up homeless, constantly in his mask state, and seems to have uncanny abilities. He just disappears into thin air, he seems to be doing physically GREAT despite living on a mattress in the woods with no source of food or money, and we only ever hear him cough. That ties back into my idea their vocal cords melt due to the TO disease. He can take the mask off for short bits of time. Its not like an astronauts helmet, more so an oxygen tank while hiking a tall mountain.

[stayteezdreams]

Taking care of each other when you are sick (Seonghwa)

Request: Headcanons for taking care of Seonghwa when he is sick + Seonghwa taking care of you when you are sick

Pairing: Park Seonghwa x Gn!Reader

Requested By: @hwatermelons

Warnings: Whump stuff. Mild mentions of fever, being sick (physically), medicine, etc.

When Seonghwa is sick:

Seonghwa tries not to be a burden, but not so secretly likes being taken care of.

The way you coddle him makes him feel loved.

Plus, tea and soup tastes better when it is made with love, especially yours.

He doesn't like the medicine though and pouts any time you bring it to him.

You have to bargain with him half the time to get him to take any at all.

Which usually ends up with you staying up for hours to build lego sets or watching Star Wars with him.

You will often stay with him, watching shows, listening to music or talking because you don't want him to be alone for too long.

When he is tired you will play with his hair until he falls asleep peacefully.

When you are constantly checking for a fever or asking if he has any aches or pains, he will giggle at your worrisome behavior.

"You'd make a good nurse." which then leads to "Thank you Nurse" whenever you bring him something or do anything for him.

You bring a cool wet rag to lay on his forehead and he genly grabs your hand, pressing a soft kiss to the back of it.

Just a simple way of showing how he is grateful to you.

When he starts to feel better, part of him is sad because then you wont be around as much as you have been.

When he tells you this, you just giggle and kiss his cheek, telling him that even if you wont be around quite as much can't get rid of you entirely

"Good"

When he finally feels well enough to walk around the dorm, the others are happy "Look whose on his feet!"

"Only because I had a good nurse" he's comment while smiling over at you.

When You are sick:

Activate Mama Hwa caregiver mode.

Constant attention and love.

He makes you tea constantly, and brings you various soups and foods to help you.

He hates seeing you miserable and will try his best to entertain you and keep you happy.

Seonghwa will also bring you gifts. Movies to watch, books to read, a squishy plushie for you to cuddle with since you refuse to cuddle with him for fear of getting him sick.

And flowers to brighten your mood since you are stuck in your bed.

He will often check your fever and you tease him "Who's the nurse now?"

He will just smile and gently caress your face "I am" giving in.

Because now he knows exactly how you felt when he was sick.

If you get physically ill he will wipe your brow and neck with a wet towel, and if you have longer hair, he will hold it out of your face.

While rubbing your back gently and talking to you softly, telling you you will be okay.

He will run you baths and sit with you, washing or combing your hair and massaging your shoulders.

You feel like he is doing too much, or more that you are taking advantage of his kindness but he shoots that down.

"I want to take care of you. You take care of me even when I'm not sick. This is just a way I can repay you and show you how much I love you."

If he finds you wandering around the house on your own he get's anxious and hovers, afraid you might fall or something.

"I just wanted a water." "You should have texted me to come get it" "You were in the shower!"

When you are falling asleep, he will lay as close to you as you will allow him as he hums songs and gently plays with your hair until you fall asleep.

Then he will sneak a kiss to your cheek or forehead.

When you feel better, and you finally get your appetite back he get's so happy and makes you breakfast in bed to make sure you catch up on the calories you missed when you got sick.

It's a bit overwhelming though because he made you SO MUCH food.

Like, every dish he could think of that he knew how to make (because he wasn't sure what you'd want to the most, so he wanted you to have options)

"This is too much Hwa" "Is it?" "You should probably take some to the boys"

xx

Ateez General Taglist: @soso59love-blog

[albatris]

Writerly Questionnaire!

thank you @davycoquette for tagging me :3

About You

When did you start writing?

I started when I was a lil kid, probably about 6 years old!

Are the genres/themes you enjoy reading different from the ones you write?

No, they're much the same! Horror, sci-fi, fantasy, mystery :3

Can you tell me a little about your writing space(s)? (Room, coffee shop, desk, etc.)

It's just me n my laptop wherever we end up! Usually on the couch or in bed! I love writing in coffee shops but I'm often too anxious to be around other people ^^;

What’s your most effective way to muster up some muse?

Playlists, baby!! Or watching/reading something that scratches the same itch as the stuff I wanna write. Usually some good horror :3

Did the place(s) you grew up in influence the people and places you write about?

Oh, absolutely! My works are very Australian in nature!

Are there any recurring themes in your writing, and if so, do they surprise you at all?

There's themes of uhhhh.... isolation vs. connection, that's one that comes up a lot. Mental and physical illness too. The bendy nature of reality. Anti-capitalism. I'm often surprised when the same themes pop up over multiple works, since I don't often plan it that way haha

Your Characters

Would you please tell me about your current favorite character? (Current WIP, past WIP, never used, etc.)

My favourite character currently is Alex! Alex is from "A Rental Car takes a Left Down Rake Street and Disappears". It's a vampire lawyer who preys on despicable predators human society will never hold accountable. Alex is an intensely private person who prefers to keep to itself, but it's also deeply kind and always looking to help others when it can. It enjoys gardening, sleight of hand magic and expensive wines :3 Alex has my favourite character arc in the trilogy!!

Which of your characters do you think you’d be friends with in real life?

Ripley!! Her sense of humour is similar to my IRL best friend's. She's loud, boisterous and silly, and the fact that she talks so much means I wouldn't have to talk as much which is always a bonus c:

Which of your characters would you dislike the most if you met them?

Quinn. They're such a shady bastard. They'd hate me and I'd be scared of them lmao

How do you picture them? (As real people you imagined, as models/actors who exist in real life, as imaginary artwork, as artwork you made or commissioned, anime style, etc.)

Here they are!

The characters of my two main projects, drawn by me :3 A Rental Car takes a Left Down Rake Street and Disappears on the top and All the Doors are Open on the bottom!

Your Writing

What’s your reason for writing?

It's my way of communicating with the world and connecting to others!

Is there a specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating coming from your readers?

When people tell me they resonate with my stories in terms of, like, shared experiences... I love that! Some of the comments I still think about all the time have been from fellow psychosis-havers telling me they resonate with my depictions of psychosis or that my stories made them feel less alone. But I adore all comments!

How do you want to be thought of by those who read your work? (For example: as a literary genius, or as a writer who “gets” the human condition; as a talented worldbuilder, as a role model, etc.)

I wanna be thought of as... spooky... >:3

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

Characters and worldbuilding! By worldbuilding I don't mean Creating Worlds (I suck at that) but crafting unique premises and putting my own spin on things like vampire lore and interdimensional portals :3

How do you feel about your own writing? (Answer in whatever way you interpret this question.)

I'm very happy with it!

If you were the last person on earth and knew your writing would never be read by another human, would you still write?

Probly. I think I'd go stircrazy without it. It's my way of understanding and processing the world and my feelings on it. Plus I'd get bored otherwise.

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely what you enjoy? If it’s a mix of the two, which holds the most influence?

Both! But I'd say I mostly focus on what I might enjoy!

[isei-silva]

As I am replaying Deyaenus and re-exploring his character through RP, I noticed the difference in how I RP'd him in the past, versus how I play him now - especially in regards to his confidence. His lack thereof before, to today's abundance. Back in the day, Deyaenus was far more ill-tempered, anxious, and depressed; a reflection of myself. We often say and try not to bleed over into our characters, but these figments of our imaginations are our brain-puppets, and as ours as can be are inevitably reflected by the thoughts, emotions, and constitution of their birth place.

Once my exterior environment changed and bettered, so did I. And, by extension, so did Deyaenus. This reflected itself in RP through a burst of confidence and tempered demeanor from the character that was a pleasant surprise.

Mind you, the meat and potatoes of the character has not changed: opinionated, stubborn in some archaic beliefs, and faction biased. You know, the good stuff that people dislike him for. And that's fine! I enjoy being the "in-the-wrong" character if it helps push other people's RPs and character development. Both those things can only really move forward with conflict.

"It's me hi, I'm the problem, it's me~"

It's just funny how I remember Deyaenus, as a Holy Priest, desperately clinging to the doctrines of the Church, the Light, and stomping his foot about being right in it all, when he was at his emotional lowest because being part of something greater and as non-negotionable as The Light made him feel just as indomitable. He could hide behind the white robes, and the verses and preaching, behind prayer, behind dogmatic virtues of beliefs carved by mortals, because it made him feel good. He wanted to be a preacher for the immediate idolation he would get, for the attention, the praise, bask in the benefit of devotion, from the lack of receiving the same in his home life. Of course he never recognized this himself, and he DOES truly, honestly believe in the goodness that the Church has extended and wants to be part of that, but with that little sidenote of "and I will get everyone's love and respect because of it too".

Now, as a Shadow Priest, stuck with a parasitc infant (not so?) Old God and dealing with it through the adventures, trials, and shenanigans thereof, he is both at his loneliest (no guild, friends moved on, on-and-off romance(?)) and, at the same time, his most confident. I've been personally headcannoning and RP'ing that the void parasite - named Junior - managed to anchor itself to the physical realm by feeding on Deyaenus' depression and poor emotional state. He doesn't know it, recognize it, or think about it, under the misguided belief that this is just normal and every shadow priest has a little bugger like his. It's not like the parasite has 'eaten' or removed or replaced Deyaenus' depression. It's, much like in Real Life, you can eventually learn to positively live with it! I still have the same poor thoughts, fears, and insecurities as before, when I first roleplayed Deyaenus and these were more evident both in RP and in myself, but over time I've grown to nurture myself, build myself up, and find confidence inwardly.

Nowadays, I like thinking that while Junior is the symbolic, physical manifestation of depression (how similar are those corruptive "your friends hate you" whispers in-game to actual depressive thoughts?), Deyaenus has learned to depend on himself and keep positive momentum regardless. Junior works for him. Deyaenus can't afford to wallow in these poorly thoughts, even though he won't ever get rid of them. And if ever he did end up overpowered by those thoughts, THAT'S when corruption would kick in at its strongest. THAT'S when depression eats you alive IRL too.

Deyaenus cannot ever get rid of depression, mental illness, what-have-yous, but what he has done is recognize it ("I guess this weird worm is part of me"), take responsibility for it ("The actions of this weird worm and the powers thereof are what I make of them"), and move forward with it ("Weird worm is coming with me whether I like it or not"). And he's that much better for it.

Not perfect, but better.

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi cas, reg kin anon back already haha

(again, cw/tw for medical stuff and complicated family dynamics)

firstly, thank you for your supportive and kind words, they really do mean a lot to me (and everyone else you help; youre genuinely such a wonderful person and deserve everything good in life ♡)

i think ive come to the conclusion that i havent really processed the whole situation yet, honestly. even though i wrote it to you, i havent actually said the words out loud about my mother's diagnosis (and honestly writing them out again is a struggle haha, like my fingers are blocked from doing it), and it kind of feels like saying it makes it real? does that make sense? i dunno. it feels so impossible to imagine my mother being genuinely sick with something so serious. 'my mother' and 'cancer' dont fit in the same sentence.

but i didnt really realise until now just how major of a major life event this is for everyone and everything. because (and remember, i have a very complicated relationship with my mother. i once defined it as 'i dont have to like you to love you' and i think thats really relevant to now, too) my mother was going to help me with moving out (both buying things ill need, as well as actually moving out on the day) but she told me yesterday that ill have to go out to get things myself because she physically cant right now. i didnt think id mind so much, i like having my own independance and doing things myself, but i went out today to buy everything i need and i was struggling so much more than i thought. i genuinely almost had a breakdown crying in the first shop i went to.

honestly part of that was because i had no idea what i needed or where was best to get it or what any of the fancy words about different types of stuff meant (like, who even knows what depth their mattress is to buy the right bedsheet?? what is a tog??? whats the difference between a bath sheet and a bath towel?? they look the same!) but also because that was something we were supposed to do together. i dont like her and theres so much about her i want to change, but theres a huge part of me that was looking forward to a parent/child experience that so many normal families have, especially because i didnt get a lot of other typical 'growing up' moments with my parents due to how my family is.

part of me, in all honesty, considered waiting to move out, partly so that she could still be part of it, and partly so that i was in a better place emotionally to be able to handle the change. but if i were to do that, id have to wait another year (im moving out to go to university, and i already put it off last year to get a job instead because i was scared and anxious about university) and i dont know that i could go a whole extra year stuck at home. theoretically, i could afford to move out and rent (or buy, if i went to one of the cheap areas) when i felt ready in however many months time, but itd be a huge drain on my savings and would be nowhere near where ill be for school the following year so itd be a waste of money and time. itd be stupid and silly for me to put off university for another year, but i did consider it. i wont, but part of me is scared and wants to.

i met up with my older brother for lunch while i was out (who, sticking with the black family dynamics, is kind of like the andromeda of my family. he moved out 5 years ago to break away from the family and rarely comes home, and is probably the one person in my life who i feel genuinely comfortable and safe around) and we talked about it which was nice, especially considering my family is typically very much a 'do not talk about your feelings at all' sort of family, and as a whole we have not discussed anything further about my mother's health or how we're all handling it since that first conversation. he was super gentle and caring and honestly that in itself made me want to cry a bit because hes just so not at all like our parents?? idk who raised him but i wish theyd raised me too hahaha

but anyway, he was really open and supporting with me. he talked a bit about how he was feeling (which was super validating, because he was also hit hard by it and had complex feelings about it all) and he was really clear too that if i needed anything at all, i could always go to him and would always be welcome at his flat if i needed time away, even when i move out. (seriously, who raised this perfect older brother????) basically he was everything i needed in that moment and i am really genuinely thankful he exists, so at least my parents made one decent thing haha

still, though. i think its starting to hit me now just how many things are going to change and, as selfish as it is, how many things im going to lose and miss out on because of it. i dont like my mother, but i want her there to help me take that next step in my adult life, yknow? she, nor my father, have explicitly said she wont be able to help on moving day, but its not likely, and theres no way on earth i could ever ask whether she will (again: selfish thinking.)

my brother did mention, though, that the type of cancer our mother has is apparently one of the worse types if it isnt caught early enough. as far as i understand it (which isnt much, honestly, i dont understand much with medicine), she has cancer in her abdomen and its usually caught too late to get rid of. i didnt know this until today, i think our father didnt want to worry me? but i dont actually know how far along the cancer is (which stage it is? i think thats the right term) and i dont know at what stage it becomes too late. my brother also didnt seem to know, but now thats put a new worry in my head because my father explicitly did not mention that to me, so of course my brain has jumped to conclusions about why and what that means. im trying not to spiral, but ever since i found out about her diagnosis, i dont actually think ive gone ten minutes without 'fuck, my mother has cancer' or something similar going through my head, and restarting the breakdown id just pushed down again.

as expected, my sister was already making inappropriate jokes about it by the next time i saw her. i spoke to my brother about this too (hes cut contact with her entirely, like i plan to) and that was part of why he offered to let me stay with him if i ever needed; to escape our sister as much as our mother. i dont understand how she doesnt care a single bit. i know shes never got along with our parents but like, at least have a little decency and sensitivity?? she was literally laughing about it and i just... i dont get how someone could be such an awful person. sure whatever, she doesnt have to be upset if she really doesnt care, but thats crossing a fucking line.

this is getting to be another long ask so im gonna stop here for now, but before i do i just want to say thank you again for being such a safe place for myself and others. you are so, so wonderful cas ♡

- reg kin anon

Hi hon ❤️❤️❤️

I know there’s not a lot I can say right now to make you feel better because unfortunately I don’t know the future. I don’t know how this will turn out and neither do you. But I want to say again that your feelings - all of them - are okay and valid and none of them are bad or shameful. It’s okay to mourn the things that you might miss and it’s okay to have mixed emotions. No feelings are right or wrong here, and I’m here when you need to vent. Also I know move in Day will be hard but I’m so proud of you for continuing to prepare for university.

Sending so much love ❤️

[callsign-rogueone]

It’s been way past 30 mins, but sending anyway just because I love you 💕

What’s your favorite thing about writing/what got you into writing?

-fw-gt

and this response is way past due lol oops

what got me into writing was my middle school friend introducing me to the strange new world of Dr. Who fanfiction. that was a very short-lived phase for me, since I wasn't really into the show, but the idea that I could write about other people's characters just... doing stuff was life changing. literally.

I've made so many friends through fic and fandom since then (love u all) and writing in already-developed worlds has really helped me with my composition skills! I'm very very slowly writing a fluffy but also deeply emotional romance novel on the side that we won't talk about (unless you ask, then I'll tell you everything. I'm actually in love with it, but it needs some spaghetti throwing and accuracy checks before it can go much further, hence why it's on the back burner lol)

my favorite thing about writing... I can't pick one, so here's two (you know how indecisive I am.)

I said this above but the community and the friends I've made!! the social aspect is definitely a big part of it for me. being able to talk about all this and play sandbox with y'all (see my last post lol) is so fun and has helped brighten each one of my days for the last six months (I started writing FW in January. that's wild to think about.) I'd been posting on this blog on and off with diff fandoms and random stuff for years, but nothing has stuck like fourth wing, and that's 1000% because of y'all. muah.

it's an outlet for me personally. this all started with Garrick and Angel, which I honestly didn't think would go anywhere. when I posted it, I told myself I would be happy if it got two likes, because I wrote it for myself -- Angel is me, just in a different universe. she's got chronic pain, anxiety, and a lot of the personality traits I have. and while I promise you I will never assign physical traits to the girls in my writing, since they're a reader insert, and I want all of us girls to be included and be able to "be" Angel, or Darling, etc., I'll admit that Angel is implied to be on the thicker side, since she's me, lmao. but I think it's still neutral enough, since gare is a giant, so he's bigger than any of us. love me a big boi. I want to feel small too, okay 🥺

anyway, the idea of having someone like Garrick be there for her through that all is helpful to me. it's a little escape from my current situation, a daydream of sorts, without pretending that I'm healthy or not in pain, but actually acknowledging that and making it part of the story, having Angel have a reason she's in pain all the time -- I say, as I'm laying here, answering asks because I can't sleep because of this mystery illness and the pain it's causing me right now lmao

similarly, and in a combo of both points: hearing from you guys that you feel seen in the girlfriends, or that my work cheers you up, that kind of stuff. seeing that y'all relate to the girls is heartbreaking sometimes, especially the ones that have been through the wringer (honestly, they've all been through the wringer, but you know what I mean -- the more anxious, insecure ones) but also it makes me feel like my thoughts are worth writing down and editing and posting, because people will see they're not alone, and can live that distant, "happy" scenario of a character they love helping them through things they're struggling with in real life.

-------------------------------------------------------

that's all I have for now, partially because my brain is fried, but also because if I keep talking about this I'll cry.

just know that I love and cherish each and every one of you, you're nor alone, and our boys love you all too. and the girls (I've been neglecting them lately. oops.) anyway, muah (goodnight kiss). go get some sleep, because I'm not going to anytime soon.

[rowavolo]

hiiii !! 2 4 6 and 12 (if you have one) for your obey me s/i? either one! c:

hi hi hi !! :D ty for the ask wheeeee also i MUST compliment your choice of numbers here. these are lovely numbers. some of my favourites genuinely

answers under the cut i KNOW im not gonna be able to shut the hell up !! im gonna do it for angel!ro because hes funny and cool i think

2. How similar is your s/i to you? Are they a carbon copy, completely different or a mix of the two?

Hmm, a bit of a mix, really! But also I do like to try and include my little quirks/idiosyncrasies where i can for my s/is because theyre very much a way that i express myself and explore things that aren't necessarily feasible for me irl . I think the main difference is my s/is are slightly less depressed. though that may be more due to circumstance and stuff. also significantly less time spent laying in bed due to pain/fatigue. but other than that (and the obvious physical differences) I try to keep the personality and vibes pretty similar to myself in real life where i can :3

4. How did your s/i feel when they first met your f/o(s)? How do they feel about them now?

To begin with, my s/i was definitely very ... not exactly intimidated by, but sort of .. anxious around Diavolo. Due to the nature of their relationship and the arranged aspects of it, he felt a lot of pressure to get along well with Dia and be like the 'perfect' spouse, since this marriage had so much riding on it (peace between celestial realm and devildom , blah blah blah, whatever) so at first hes very quiet and anxious and just afraid to speak up or make himself a nuisance in any way, so he'd always just smile and nod along to Diavolo's suggestions and jokes and sort of 'dull down' any gruesome answers to the questions he was posed about the celestial realm (though this is also in part due to the fact that things up there are very much Not As They Seem and the angels are uhh 'strongly encouraged' not to disclose too much information)

As time goes by and he gets more comfortable, however, he lets his weirdness really shine, along with his dark sense of humour. He and Diavolo wind up going through a lot together and sort of bond over that, along with their weirdly parallel upbringings, so they become really close and painfully in love. Like. 'will only use pet names for one another and always be holding hands' levels of PDA. It's obnoxious and codependent. Diavolo absolutely dotes on Ro, and Ro definitely comes to rely on him more and more as like.. 'his person.' He becomes more comfortable with unmasking and asking Dia for help with things (and if Dia can't, then he'll ask Barbs to). Theyre like two bonded cats. if you separate them they'll get depressed and start pining and become physically ill after too long. It may be a little unhealthy but like. theyre just hanging out. they like it that way. they can spend time away from each other, they just don't often really want to. They vibe like the most stereotypical 'straight guys who do really gay stuff for the bit' but they committed fully and are so so in love. theyve been around each other so much that they basically have their own language, etc. and are just so comfy and happy around one another that its obnoxious to look at i think <3 ro loves his big silly himbo to bits and vice versa

6. Has your s/i undergone any design/story changes since they were first made?

Hmm, I'd have to say absolutely yes, but genuinely I can't think of exactly what off the top of my head. He's kind of been adjusted a bit as i've fleshed out the ~vibes~ of the way i interpret the celestial realm, he got given haunted angel cryptid lore and lack of 'flock' attraction lore (theyre intertwined also) and put through The Horrors also. he also has his own more fucked up au with even more Horrors. just like for the funny. Visually though, his design has mostly stayed the same. I'm not really a huge fan of how his outfit vibes, but i think overall i do like his Vibe and hes very silly and parallels nicely with Dia!

Though looking at the pics below i havent entirely decided how i like to draw his hair. which is like blaaahhh bleeeh bluueeueueuh

12. Can we see a picture of your s/i?

tada!!!!! silly nya nya!!!!!

[marshvlovestv]

There are a lot of shows I've been thinking about rewatching lately and which I think would be interesting to dissect through the lens of neurodiversity - because while I myself am exactly as neurodivergent now as I was when I originally watched these shows, I'm still way more educated than I used to be, not only about my own disorders but ones I don't have, as well. Some shows on the list are:

Bones: One of my longest-running hyperfixations, as a cop show it was obviously very shitty about personality disorders and schizophrenia and the like. But dear god the neurodivergent energy in the main cast was impeccable and I don't think I appreciated that fully when I was into this show.

Scrubs: Did you know that the first time I learned about personality disorders as a concept was some guy on TV Tropes being like "Here's a list of the meanest characters in Scrubs and the personality disorders I think make them so terrible?" Awful way to learn about it, god. Now, with a more nuanced understanding of personality disorders I've come up with a hypothesis that JD himself might actually fit the criteria for a personality disorder - and one of the "scary ones" to boot. If I'm right about this, then Bill Lawrence might have actually created positive Cluster B representation by accident, and I really hope I'm right.

The Good Place: I need to reexamine this show's concept of mental illness and how it's tied to morality. Obviously, I related to Chidi and his anxiety from the beginning and as much as I love the show I was always a liiittle uncomfy with the implication that his mental illness made him a burden to others and therefore he went to Hell. Also, hot take, Eleanor is definitely not neurotypical either - her behavior is a trauma response as much as it is a "sociological phenomenon" or however the show wants to frame it.

The Middle: Thinking about Brick just makes me smile, man. It's obviously annoying that this clearly autistic-coded character isn't acknowledged as anything but "quirky," but Brick is just so happy and content with being different that I can ignore that. His parents want to "fix" him but come on guys, your boy is thriving.

Speechless: I actually rewatched the first two episodes of this one today. Obviously this show has its own important things to say about physical disability and that was undermined by framing Ray as the central character at first - it's better that it became more of an ensemble show with JJ more centered. There is definitely something to be said, though, about the fact that Ray is definitely not neurotypical, being a highly anxious person who requires a stability that his family can't provide, and that because his special needs are less visible than JJ's, they aren't being addressed adequately. Of course, Ray being neurodivergent was not the intention of the showrunners and stuff like competing needs and intersectionality would have been too much for a sitcom to take on - it had to focus on being the funniest fucking show I've ever seen oh my god it makes me laugh so hard that's the main reason I wanted to rewatch it. But I can imagine a version of the show that tackled those issues and I like how it looks.

[destinygoldenstar]

TW: This video has a nude image. This is one of the most unapologetically real films I’ve ever watched. And this is easily the scene that spoke to me the most. I too have Asperger’s syndrome. I was diagnosed when I was thirteen after a sensory overload in school that got me in trouble. I was lucky to have parents love me and support me and take the time to understand me. But I had nothing short of a miserable school life, where I was not only pressured and stressed to tears, but I was heavily bullied and abused for my condition. It wasn’t just kids finding it funny when I was miserable, or finding me stupid for not understanding a joke, or pretending to be my friend to solidify that I was lesser than the people around me. It was also adults letting me know just how wrong and broken I was, screaming at me for having questions, denying to help me, punishing me for not doing something fast enough, or even punishing me for looking at something weird. And when quarantine started and I attempted to break free from my horrible school life, I was grounded for an entire season, and my mom told me that the problem was always me for not being able to do what normal kids could do. I grew very hostile towards my peers as a result of betrayals and abuse, finding solitude in being a part of nothing for the longest time, and if you knew me back then, you’d know me as an odd kid who paced around for no reason, didn’t need glasses but wore them anyway, and was sarcastic, snarky, and hot tempered to be unpleasant to be around. If you knew me back then, you would hate me. I didn’t gain friends until my senior year in high school.

Im one of those autistic people who don’t struggle too much with showing their emotions. For a long time, I had to bottle up my anxiety attacks because whenever I had them, people found it funny or punished me for having them. My guidance lessons were ‘don’t be angry’ ‘don’t be anxious’ ‘just ignore it all’. And I tried to cry at night, alone, hoping no one noticed. Sometimes they didn’t. And around my sophomore year I got heavily sick from it, seemingly for dumb reasons, I felt like I was the problem and was a garbage human being. I had moved away from that abusive environment and taken to a much more comforting state and home life, and I felt like I didn’t deserve any of it because ‘I was a problem’. It was only then that my mom understood and got me the help I needed. And then in my final year of school, I could begin a healing process. I could find much more positive ways to fit into society and see the benefits in myself. Like my writing, and my skills in the theater. I excelled at stuff like that in ways other people didn’t. My habit of need for constant movement really helped my health physically, and I could be a runner if I wanted to.

I have a partner in my life now and we’ve been dating for over two years now. She was autistic, like me. It actually started out as a childhood friendship nearly eight years before we fell in love. Talk about slow burn. She moved away to another country, but we made a promise to never lose contact. And we never did. She became my own Mary over the time we were apart. Our communication was about stuff we found enjoyment in, like our own writing, or media we liked, and the people around us never understood it, found it ‘not chemistry’. We grew to ignore them because it made us happy and that’s all that mattered. She was there for me in my lowest points, and I was there for hers. She’s chronically ill. She was hospitalized just a year after our separation, and only now is she starting to recover and get better. Back then it just got worse and worse for her and she became depressed to suicidal thoughts. She claimed I was the one who saved her life. Then a year before we would finally see each other again, I noticed her feeling more for me. But I didn’t let it surface because I didn’t know how I felt at the time. I was always someone who very openly rejected love with no hesitation, and it was one of the things I was bullied for. Then half a year before we would see each other again, she accidentally told me she was in love with me. So I guess she confessed first?? Or, I was the first one to do it on purpose, because I called it out, and returned it. And so I begged my family to move down the country, where she was, to see her again, and we did. And that vacation was where we had our first kiss. After I had come out to my parents for being an asexual lesbian, (I didn’t realize the asexual part until I was in my senior year where someone pointed it out.) we officially moved a few months later, and we could proceed with a healing process and a happier life. And not only for me, but for her, as now she is beginning to heal from her many illnesses and form a healthier lifestyle since we got together.

A life where I could see the positives in myself and see that my Asperger’s was never the problem, it was how people treated me. I was not lesser then. People might not understand me, but how I communicated and what I felt was valid. And I could do great things with that I could do.

So when people say your functioning of your brain is wrong or less than an average person,

“I do not like it when they say that. I do not feel disabled, defective, or a need to be cured. I like being an aspie. It would be like trying to change the color of my eyes.”

Please, watch Mary & Max. This movie is so uncomfortably real, especially for people like us. It’s not an easy watch, but I feel like it’s a necessary watch. I wish I saw this movie sooner than I did, when I needed it the most.

[s0ngsandstars]

hiya!! 1, 6, and 8 for the disability ask game, if you haven't already done them :3c

Putting it all under a read more because I do a lot of talking and I forgot how Tumblr deals with long posts. sdkjdfjgkdgn Also I apologize for how negative the last question turned out.

1. What disability/ies do you have? (and are they mental, physical, or both?)

Mental health wise I'm an absolute wreck. The things I consider disabling are DID (mostly the dissociation, I like my headmates), OCD, ADHD, Agoraphobia, Depression, and social anxiety that I heavily suspect is actually AvPD. C-PTSD is also awful, but it's like. Not as bad as the other stuff in terms of how much of my life and time is taken by it. Also like, all the sensory issues that come with being autistic is just awful. Other things too, but like. mostly just more anxiety stuff. sdkjndfgkjngjn I am a very anxious human being.

Physically I have FND (it manifests primarily as movement problems, and sometimes takes away my ability to move some or even all of my limbs entirely, though most usually my legs), arthritis, something related to hypermobility, and I heavily suspect POTS, but my doctors won't test me for it. *makes a peace sign* Also I'm deficient in vitamin D but my doctors won't prescribe me anything for it (idek why, it's been brushed aside like 3 times though even though it's been deficient for multiple tests of it). *makes a second peace sign* I also have glasses because I'm moderately near-sighted, but that's a very common thing.

I also have GERD and don't have a gallbladder, so food hates me sometimes, but that's like. So mild in comparison to other things. The worst part about that is that I have to wait a few hours before going to sleep after eating or I'll get sick. I almost forgot, I have NAFLD and so I'm banned from alcohol, even though I've never gotten drunk in my life, so that's a missed opportunity.

Probably something else I'm forgetting but, eh. sdkjndfgljdgn

6. What’s something good that’s come out of being disabled?

I feel like I'm more understanding of people? Like, it's definitely helped me with being more readily accepting of other people's experiences.

Also can I count synesthesia as a sometimes positive to my senses being fucked? Some sounds smell wonderful. I love the colors I see for people and things. Like, yeah some sounds can smell literally like burning rubber, but other sounds can smell like chocolate or sour candy or mint chocolate-chip ice cream, etc. etc. and it's lovely.

Fun thing too is my cane can double as a weapon if I need it to. So like, that's kind of neat.

8. Does your disability affect how you experience other parts of your identity? (gender, queerness, culture, even hobbies/life goals you’re very passionate about)

Yeah, definitely. DID made gender and attraction rather difficult to figure out, because of the bleed through of others' emotions and like blending etc. I went through quite a journey before deciding on just non-binary for gender. AroAce was also tricky to figure out, but I got there eventually. But I'm really happy with it, and now it's like, one of those questions I can answer if we're really dissociated and trying to figure out who's out. Narrows it down a little if I can answer the gender/sexuality questions. Not a whole lot cause we're polyfragmented, but hey, we'll get there eventually. sdkjndfgkjn

As for gender expression, I can't wear some things that I really want to. Like my movement issues make wearing certain shoes potentially dangerous, and I can't be in long or tight skirts. I don't have the energy to put on makeup any time I want to.

And it definitely effects my hobbies. I don't have the energy to draw most of the time now, and when I do I can only do it for short bits at a time. It's really frustrating, because I want to, I want to so much, but as soon as I get my tablet set up, I'm so exhausted I feel like crying and I have to lie down for a while or I'll feel ill. I have to jump on when I have the energy to do things like draw or cook. I do read a lot though (mostly fanfics). Reading doesn't require much energy, so reading is fantastic.

Life dreams, definitely. I can't go to school right now, I can't get a job, I can't travel.. My life is limited, and I can't do some of the things I dream of doing. I want to be a planetary meteorologist. I want to travel and see places. I want to do so many things. But I can't.

--

Trying to end this on a positive. I'm proud of what I've been able to do, even if it doesn't seem like a lot to someone who's abled. I've missed out on so many things, but that makes the things I've been able to do mean so much more.

[itakesurveyssss]

Relationship / Partner Survey

1:: What 5 words would you use to describe your partner?

Careful, genuine, neat, romantic, thoughtful

2:: What 5 words definitely do not describe your partner?

Chaotic, loud, eccentric, ambitious, Assertive

3:: What was the first thing that made you like them?

He was very funny and very open. He also just listened and was just like you knew him all your life.

4:: How did it go when you first met them?

I was incredibly nervous and shy I didn’t know how to talk and was kinda hiding a bit so he’d not notice I was there in case I looked like an idiot to him. I also thought he might think I was a bit uglier in person and be put off.

5:: Were was your first date?

Not exactly a date but first time we went somewhere nice together as a couple was on the day he asked me out we were at the pier and it was so so sweet. I knew he was nervous and so was I. The strangest thing was he was one of the very few people that made me nervous as I was so anxious I’d give off a bad impression or reaction.

6:: Do you have some of the same friends or completely different friends?

We do have a lot of the same friends which is both great and hard as times 🤣 but I also have other friends from all over the country.

7:: What’s their best physical feature?

I’ll keep it PG so I’d say hands or hair both lovely and soft and nice to rub between my fingers.

8:: How did you know when you loved them?

When seeing his name pop up online made my heart race like I was running a marathon. Paying attention to every single word he said. Just everything about him I wanted to know. I dunno I just hadn’t felt that way before.

9:: Do you have similar or different interests?

Both similar and different. We both love music and comedy. I’m more into horror and he’d prefer action though. He’s into football where I take more a casual interest and I’m into Psychology where a lot of it is dull to him I think.

10:: what reminds you of them?

So many songs. Certain foods too.jut random things will make him pop into my head.

11:: what’s their favourite colour?

He’s not massive on favourite colours but probably Red for his football team.

12:: What’s their favourite show?

He’s watched a lot of series so don’t think he has a number one favourite but he does enjoy Not Going Out, Lucifer, Prison Break, Sex EDucation, Gavin and Stacey lots really. He also watches the two major soap operas

13:: What’s their favourite drink/food?

Okay, there’s a fair few. All out favourite is hard so imma list off some ones he really likes: Dr Pepper, Pepsi Max Cherry, Captain Morgan’s (spiced and others), Bailey’s, Iced Coffee, Pizza, Curry (especially pretty spicy curries) with Naan bread, Garlic Cheesy Bread, Halloumi, Burgers too many to name really.

14:: What do you think attracted them to you?

I’m a kind person who can be very thoughtful. I’ll also chat for ages about anything.

15:: Do they know your favourite stuff?

Some I think they do but others not so much.

16::do you have inside jokes?

Kinda yeah.

17:: If you could tell them something, what would you tell them?

You are stronger than you think you don’t need to rely on me or anyone you’re so so strong already you can handle absolutely anything and I for one thing you’re amazing.

18:: They tell you that they have an incurable illness what do you do?,

First I’d be absolutely gutted and heartbroken. For myself, for them, for their family. Then I’d wonder if there was anything I could do like could they technically be made better if I say gave them one of my kidneys? If so, then that’s what I’d do. If not, then I’d just fall apart really and not know what tf to do.

19:: Same as above but it’s you ill and it’s their reaction?

I feel somehow he’d not cope and would completely emotionally withdraw for awhile, not being able to cope with the prospect. Probably like me he’d think it was his fault despite it making no sense that it would be.

20:: Hoq long have you loved them and how long will you love them do you think?

Around 3 years I reckon? I’ll always love him no matter what happens with us I’ll always love him you can’t just stop these feelings can you.

[b-plus]

ok this is it but dont look okay? dont look at this post. and im going to be explaining him in depth alright?

ok so this is my dog (goat) its name is zyzzy he is a goat and an idol and an angel (insane. id say dont ask me to explain but i will anyways)

this is his bio on artfight

Zyzzy is a goat that should've gone to hell. Unfortunately, it didn't. To capitalize on the newfound divinity given to it in a freak goat accident, he decided to become an idol and ruin the lives of every single person that comes to his concerts. It takes pleasure in being ripped apart piece by piece, hiding its perverse acts from right under the eyes of God while it can still get away with it. Part of the underground idol group "Heaven's Sync", featuring Zyzzy and his "friends": Hail and BBTD (Bitter). All three of them have separate, nearly unobtainable goals, but with the power of not-so-legal means to an end and an echo chamber of enabling, they WILL do what they have to. Their fanbase isn't large, but there's more than a lot of diehard fans. Whoops!

so that explains Most of it. but theres more (obviously)

so i dont have access to my files so i cant infodump about all of the angel stuff BUT basically

1. crystal never leaves the body, kind of stays floating around the head like an annoying bug you cant get rid of

2. halo is kind of squishy but only when touched by the owner, if by anyone else its kind of like metal, cool to the touch and makes a ringing sound if you hit it. it can separate into as many small parts as the owner wants (kind of like mitosis or clay, can be pushed back together) but its always in a ring form, the outside ring stays the same size, but can be stripped vertically too if you want a thinner halo

3. wings are poised on the waist (zyzzy is wearing fake wings in the idol outfit (lmao) so theyre on the back) but wings can generally be positioned anywhere on the body but usually arent changed since they can be hidden.

4. horns, antlers, stray bones and anything of the sort are translated into wings when an animal is turned into an angel. when visiting down to the world, these are usually hidden or turned into what they were before they were wings. the resulting horns are softer and if an angel is too new, it takes mental and physical effort to keep them in horn shape

5. angels retain little to no memory of their previous life, but some still have them because of accidents or other endlessly complicated reasons

so thats like about angels but. about zyzzy. its a freak. hes a freak a little weirdo. awful person no one likes him when they actually get to know him hes super superficial and flimsy and everything bad under the sun. sucks as a person an animal an idol an angel. you name it. but everyone loves him so its okay

oh yeah all goats go to hell btw. that why its called goat hell. get it? because hes a goat. and it didnt go to hell. and it was supposed to. but okay i cant explain it because i need to design some other things first but its really funny i swear

zyzzys teeth also stick out when it has its mouth closed (super important to me) and its hair fans out at the ends (also super important to me)

so this is its idol group and friends (bitter (bunny) on the left and hail (fox) on the right)

hail is the Killer (awesome) (hes like the poisoner) and bitter is just sweaty and weird and anxious (awesome) (constantly enabled by the other two for their own amusement) but ill talk about them some other day when i have refs made for them. theyre just kind of funny to me

oh also chibo is a part of this universe. and is a super huge fan of bitter but thats besides the point

this is all just really self indulgent i just wanted to make something stupid and funny like a year or so ago and now i have it and im obsessed. obsessed with it. so thats all

so sorry if you looked at this whole thing you can look away now

[elisedonut]

♥️ Red: Do you ever feel anxious or scared while writing? If so, why?

🧡 Orange: When in the day do you typically write?

🖤 Black: Do you think about your story when you're not physically writing it? Does it help with plotting scenes, character arcs, etc.?

Red

Oh yeah all the time i have an anxiety disorder in general so ofc it bleeds into writing fic too

but I've also just always been into weirder stuff when it came to fanfic so sometimes I do end up worried I'm going to get like blacklisted from the Percy fandom

but I've been working hard at trying to ignore that feeling and just like be myself because I've also learned in the past that pretending not to like the type of things i do just makes me sad dfhskljdfj

and overall HP seems to be pretty tolerant of weird ships and such which means most people don't care when i talk about things that i think are fun

Like i haven't gotten hate or anything yet.

Which is really nice because when i first saw how prevalent perciver was i was convinced that i would be run off at some point. That I would cross that line at some point that made me go from tolerable to others to someone who's actively a pain to look at

but no i say my silly little ships and at worst people ignore it and at best i convince them to like it too

its great

doesn't stop the anxiety when it comes to a new ship or really weird concept though

Orange

Typically I either start right after I wake up or like 8pm one or the other

If i don't throw myself into writing the moment i wake up i have a hard time pulling in enough focus until night time

Black

Of course! Normally ill fantasize about a concept for awhile before even attempting to write it. Before i ever started writing I would pace my house listening to music and making up stories in my head and now I still do that and sometimes they end up as fics and sometimes i throw fun ideas on tumblr that I either am too excited about or don't feel like i could do actual justice to.

In my opinion the thing it helps the most with is actually dialogue? I have a hard time coming up with dialogue when actually sitting and writing but it comes pretty easy when I'm pacing and talking to myself because I'm less focused on what's happening around the characters if that makes sense.

[ghost-of-the-machine]

ramble about my aromantic tendencies cuz im all. confused im SURE theres a word for this i just think im not ready??? i think like. not in a personal way, in a PHYSICAL way like something needs to change before id ever CONSIDER IT, makes me sick otherwise like theres so many things!! so many hurdles and stuff that would deter me from all that nonsense but i still like the idea of it like the idea is so sweet, its why i enjoy it so much in fiction but. in execution? IDK MAN.. freaks me out for so many reasons

romantic love is so cute bro like. its genuinely adorable to me, i love listening to love songs and just feeling the emotion and passion behind all the words, but ummmmmmm. i think realistically im capable? i just think that any attempt wouldnt go well, i dont think i can give someone what they might need, its always been like. okay 1. im going to be OBSESSED with you ill do anything you say ill let you mistreat and abuse me ill do anything for you okay which is not ideal!! not ideal, made for bad people dont want bad people. but?? on the other hand its also like i cant imagine loving another person more than i love my friends, but thats whats expected of me isnt it? i think they wouldnt like it very much if i had an equal amount but like. is it even possible? I REALLY DONT KNOW.. i know ive said it before, i just feel like. love, not platonic not romantic just LOVE pure unlabeled love. what kind of treatment would i give to a partner that i dont already give to my friends? itd go really wrong there im sure, i dont wanna hurt anybody yknow

idk its like such a cute little fantasy tho isnt it? maybe i meet someone and we become friends and then it leads to something more, is going on dates fun? maybe it would be but. i go on dates with my friends!!!!!! like is it different? i guess, but im out with someone i love i dont see how it could be much different

sometimes it feels like people like me dont get that. its hard to be good enough for someone else, like. i know theres like 8 billion people in the world but its always. im too fat im trans im not hot enough im too mentally ill im too awkward too. TOO EVERYTHING!! so on top of like. how can someone possible be more than what i already have, i have to be good enough too!!!!! so much work, i honestly. after brian, i was so content to just fall back on fictional characters, i know it sounds silly but self shipping LITERALLY saved my life i was hanging by a thread after him and then i found a coping mechanism that made me feel so good

i think its uncertainty, when it comes to fictional relationship? i make the rules, the scenarios, its perfect for me but. in real life you cant do that, im thrown in BLIND. i know its part of life, you learn and grow together but erm... im autistic please dont do this to me PLEASE if i plan out my conversation at a grocery store with the clerk and im STILL THROWN OFF... yeeowch!!

thats the thing im very offputting to other people like. something about me, i can see it in their eyes, see the way they kinda. like im. somethings all wrong with me!!!! they dont like it, i cant imagine myself being charming but.. maybe if i start T, ill be less. dreadfully anxious about seeing other people, then maybe ill flourish a little more. we'll see, it still freaks me out the thought of loving someone more than my friends like TO ME i dont think its possible and i dont want to find out about it okay it makes me sick it feels like betrayal, never tell me otherwise or ill feel awful, its betrayal to me!!!! cuz i want to give my friends the most i can give, they deserve it, so like. what, am i supposed to give less? give someone else more?? like ew who are you1!!! i dont need you i just need my besties thats all i need :] but its still a nice thought isnt it? its cute

i think i just have like a limit on the amount of people i can know at one time, ive always wanted more friends and i have more friends now!! sooo i dont realy need anyone else then? its very easy for me to feel satisfied with what i have, of course i am!!! grateful even!!!! so im like. it just doesnt matter so much to me. nice thought but i dont see it happening like i dont really WANT it to happen like i do but also. like. listen.

am i still gonna throw down to little love songs? absolutely yes sir!! to me tho like its feelings i can easily project onto my friends SKFJS like how me and my bestie kiss eachother on the head okay. because i loooooove them, its so easy because i love them!! its a love song, i dont care what kind of love its made for, i feel love and ill hear it how i want :] ITS. its some weird social bullshit okay, who says we cant? who says we cant go on little friend dates and kiss and hug and be in love with eachother while also being JUST friends? WHO SAYS!!!! its what i dont get, theres some disconnect between romantic and platonic love that i dont see at all. why should one be more valued than the other? hogwash okay its gobbledygook its. nonsense!!! im glad i dont see it that way, the hard part is finding other people who also dont see it that way, i realize my feelings on it arent STANDARD.. still, im satisfied. i have a lot of love to give and im always allowed to give it, isnt that so wonderful?