#but i woke up at 10 with the anxiety stomach and THEN i struggled to go back to sleep

[many-gay-magpies]

anxiety oh anxiety. why have you come back to me

[whatsaninterestingplacethisis]

Koi No Yokan

“premonition of love”

Imagine

Elias Pettersson x Latina!Reader

Synop: y/n and Elias who have been friends for at least two years are still oblivious of each other’s romantic feelings.

a/n: friends to lovers trope 😻 angst + fluff + “flirtatious” friendship. My longest work yet.

cw: drinking, cussing

+++

Ever since you moved to Vancouver and bumped into Elias one evening, everything fell into place. He became your first true guy friend that you could actually share a genuine laugh with and gossip about each other’s lives.

He adjusted you to the new city and took his time introducing you to the team. Before you knew it you had more guy friends, but Petey was always your number one and you were his.

You can’t hide the fact that when you first saw him you were nervous as to how intimidating his good looks were. But as conversations flowed, in the moment you didn’t think double about seeing him more than a friend.

That was until you started to realize how lonely you felt when he was on road games. You guys grew so close together that you spent every moment together as much as you could. It didn’t help that you cherished in person company rather a phone call or a text. You would catch yourself before spamming him videos on Instagram and trying to call him.

One night when he had a particularly long road game, you were laying in bed thinking about him and how much you missed him. Even after having a long talk with him earlier that day.

That’s when you knew. You were falling for your best friend and you were completely screwed.

You hardly slept that night. You were replaying every special memory you shared with him (more like all the memories). Trying to figure out how you let yourself be so foolish. I mean the guy is cute but he’s your friend first and foremost. But then you dreaded to wonder if he even liked you back.

You woke up to next morning with horrible anxiety and a pit in your stomach. Petey would be coming home tomorrow and you didn’t know how you were going to face him with this new revelation

You went about your day as usual besides the lingering thoughts of your blondie. You decided to test the waters to see if he could in any way possibly like you back.

+++

“I’ve missed you so much y/n/n” Elias muffled into your neck as he hugged you so tightly.

“I’ve missed you too.” You felt your heart beating unusually fast and struggled out of his grip.

“What? Was I hugging too hard?” He laughs as he notices you fight to break free.

“Just a little.” You said softly trying to avoid eye contact.

“Sorry. I just missed you seeing you in person you know?” He actually felt bad if he hugged you too harshly for your liking.

“Yeah I know” you stare at each other before he goes to put his bag in his room.

“Elias can I ask you something?” You yell from his living room only to be met with silence.

“Petey?” You ask again

“What’s up? Am I trouble because you never call me Elias unless I’m in trouble.” His laugh echoes in the hallway before coming to a stop when he meets your face.

“Is something wrong?” He makes his away across the room to caress your arms, he’s always sweet like this.

You knew if you told him your feelings all of this would come to an end. Not just the way he looks at you with concern but the laughter you guys shared. Life would never be the same without him in it.

“How much did you really miss me?” You teased your friend, trying to deflect the physical heart ache you felt in your chest.

“Like 3 out of 10.” He said flatly playing along like he always did.

“Wow.” You said looking up at him.

“Yeah, you know I think I could have gone one more day without seeing you too.” He said with a smirk on his face. Now he was pushing it.

“Really? I see how it is.” You slither out of his grasp again and sat on the couch.

“C’mon you started it.” He whined at your behavior.

He plopped right next to you and leaned his head on your shoulder, “you know I missed you more than a 4.”

You huffed, “I missed you 1 out of 10.”

“I doubt that.” He lifted his head and stared at you as you looked ahead at the TV.

+++

For a year you’ve kept your feelings secret. How? You don’t even know how. Some nights you cried to sleep because of how difficult it was to keep seeing him a friend and only that.

You had to tell someone, luckily you had another best friend from your hometown that was always there.

“You need to tell him how you feel.” Okay that’s not what you wanted to hear but it was expected considering she’s heard the same complaints the past year.

“It’s easier said than done.” You say over the phone

“Okay then stop being friends with him.”

“That is literally the opposite of what I want to do.” You squint your eyes in frustration

“I don’t know what you want me to tell you! You’ve been torturing yourself every second you spend with him y no tienes los huevos a dicerle, ‘oh by the way I’ve been in love with you for the past year’ Like c’mon girl!”

“I’m pathetic aren’t I?” You ask on the bridge of tears because she was right like she always is.

Your friend sighs on the other end, “No you’re not. Listen, you do not know a 100% sure that he does or does not like you. Therefore, you need to find the right place and time to tell him gently and the worst case is he doesn’t like you back then he’s an idiot. Because I know any good guy is worthy of having you as their girlfriend.”

You tried to hold back your hiccuped tears, “you’re really are a great friend, y/f/n. I don’t know how you’ve put up with my rants. Thanks.”

“Me either girl.” Her comment makes you and her laugh before you get another call from the man himself.

“Elias is calling me.”

“Take it, I love you and remember what I said!”

“I love you too and I will.”

+++

“Hello?” You tried to clear your throat before answering his call to not sound like you were crying literally seconds before.

“Hi, one of the guys is hosting a party tomorrow night and we’re invited. You have to come.”

You laugh at his demand knowing that both of you don’t like parties, “you know I will.”

“Great. Are you okay? You sound sick or something” he could always read and hear you like a book.

“Yeah I’m fine I just have allergies like I always do.”

“Ew. Don’t have your allergies tomorrow night when I pick you up. Be ready at 8, Ok?”

“I’ll try not to, Elias.”

“Good, I’ll talk to you later.”

You ended the phone call ready to burst into tears again. Maybe tomorrow night you could finally confess or somehow find a way to move on.

+++

Blondie

I’m here

You looked in the mirror one more time before heading down to Elia’s car. “Good enough” you said to yourself before leaving your apartment.

He looked at you with a smile as you entered his car, “you look cute.”

“Thanks” his compliments were never rare but caused more heart ache the past year.

“How do I look?” He asks

You deadpan observing his outfit, “you look nice”

In reality you knew he looked more than nice, he always did.

He just grunts at your response. Elias would be lying if he hadn’t noticed the slight change in your behavior. The way you backed out of affection or made excuses to not see each other. He didn’t want to question it because he knew you struggled to be open about serious stuff. Even after the excuses he still made himself available, kept reminding you that he would always be there. Some part of you hated him for that, making your situation even more complicated.

He started the car and began the short trip, “I think I’m going to get wasted tonight.” You said staring out the passenger window.

“If you do, you’re going to regret it in the morning.” He laughed

“True but I never get plastered so why not.”

He turned to look at you, he wondered why you would even drink that much since you rarely do.

+++

For such a “small” gathering the party was filled with friends of friends and family members.

“I’m going to get a drink” you yelled over the loud music to Elias. You didn’t waste time to drink the night away. It was either liquid courage to confess or find someone else.

You didn’t bother to wait for his response and made your way to the kitchen. You found one of the wags giving out Jell-O shots and didn’t hesitate to swallow one, two or three.

Now, just because you didn’t get drunk often doesn’t mean you’re a light weight. Although, by the middle of the night you were getting a bit tipsy.

+++

You kind of forget what your friend’s advice, you were too delirious to tell Elias your feelings in coherent manner. So you found yourself talking to one of the wags cousin or brother? Some family member that you were sure neither Elias or you knew.

He was cute a bit cocky but good enough to take your mind off you know who. He did most of the talking ranting about some inner circle drama in his friend group back home, he wasn’t from Vancouver.

You tried to keep up with the story but the alcohol in your cup was starting to get to you. He said something funny and to be polite you laughed along even though you could barely hear what he had said.

On the other hand, Elias was trying to look for you the whole night. Both of you knew if you were at a party you’d always be together to keep company but you bolted as soon you two stepped in the door.

He kept asking around if someone had seen you and after some time he found you talking to some brunette. Not just talking but obnoxiously laughing with him. Elias just stood there studying your behavior and glancing at the random. He saw your red solo cup and assumed it was empty because you left the brunette to the kitchen.

Elias followed you into the kitchen spooking you as he asked, “why are you ignoring me?”

“I wasn’t ignoring you.” You continued to refill your cup

“How much have you drank tonight?” He asked as you took a sip from your cup

“Not much like three Jell-O shots and two of these.” You waved the cup in your hand before he grabbed it and set it on the counter behind him.

“Hey I was drinking that.”

“Not anymore, we should go home.” He demanded rather than suggesting.

“But I was talking to a friend.” In reality you wanted nothing more than to be in your bed but you hoped Elias had watched you talking to whatever his name was.

“Yeah I saw.”

Your drunken brain couldn’t help to think if he was jealous, if he could actually like you back. But both of you stood there waiting for the other to say something.

After some silence he walked up to you, holding your arm. You pulled back and turned to the side to not look at him.

“What’s wrong? You’ve been acting weird lately, you know you can talk to me.” He spoke softly even with music blasting in the house.

As much you loved him you also hated him for making you feel this way. Not that it was his fault but you couldn’t resist him.

You looked back to him with teary eyes, his filled with concern and his eyebrows scrunched. You turn your head again and whispered, “let’s go home”

+++

The car ride was silent. You pretended to fall asleep against the window as an excuse to not talk. Elias was frustrated to say the least. He didn’t understand why you were keeping distance between you two.

The last thing he wanted was the girl he had a crush on from the moment he laid eyes on her is to be away from her.

+++

Eventually you did fall asleep but Elias woke you up and guided you up to your apartment.

“You can stay over if you want.” You offered as you rubbed your eyes.

“Ok” he agreed standing in your living room.

You were too drunk and tired to be a polite host, “goodnight” you said as you closed your bedroom door behind you.

Elias was left in the living room alone but luckily he knew where you kept the extra blankets.

+++

You woke up with a pounding headache and a blur of what happened last night. You don’t know why you woke up so early but it was too late to fall back asleep. You headed into your small bathroom to rejuvenate whatever you had left in you.

You walked to your kitchen and noticed folded blankets on your couch, then Elias popped out of the hallway scaring the shit out of you.

“What the hell are you doing here?” You didn’t mean to sound rude but you were confused as to why he was creeping from your hallway.

“You asked me stay the night, remember?”

“No, I don’t remember.” You tried to distract yourself with heating up water for tea as your memories from last night started to seep in.

“I told you, you would regret it.” He said

“Regret what?”

“Drinking.”

“I don’t.”

“That’s a lie.”

It was indeed a lie. Your stomach was aching and your eyes straining.

“Do you want some tea?” You reached for a second mug before turning around to him standing right behind you.

He had ibuprofen in his palm for you to take.

“Take this.”

“Thanks” you reached for the pills before he closed his hand.

“First tell me what’s wrong.”

“It’s too early in the morning, Elias”

“See, you only call me Elias, you stopped calling me Petey.” His lips slightly pouted.

You scoffed at his behavior, “don’t do that.” You turned around pouring hot water into both of your mugs.

“Do what?” He was starting to piss you off now.

“This. Whatever this is. The way you stand so close to me or the way you look at me.” You started to walk out of the kitchen.

“I don’t know what you mean.” He said with insincerity. Deep down he knew what you meant.

“Don’t be an idiot.” You were getting nasty now.

“Excuse me?” He defended in sass.

“God, Petey, you have been so blind about the way you act and my feelings.”

“Feelings about what?” He asked softly, inching closer to you like he always does.

“You have to know what.” Tears started to brim your eyes.

“I wasn’t sure you felt the same way.” He whispered cradling your cheek.

“What?” You weren’t sure what you were hearing.

He didn’t bother trying to explain himself in words so he leaned in, hesitant at first, but after years of longing your lips finally met. It was a soft yet sweet kiss filled with years of need.

He pulls away, “It was killing me to not do that.”

“You have no idea”

a/n: hope y’all enjoyed ;p my use of past and present tense is all over the place, hope y’all don’t mind😭

[juukeboxx]

Hi, i was wondering if you could write a 2012 Raph story, very very angst heavy? Idm what rout you take, i just want good ol angst, maybe with older sib Leo to comfort at the end? Thank you!!

Hi there, and thanks for the request! I apologize that this has taken me a while to get to, but I greatly appreciate your patience. I’m always here for some good good angst, ESPECIALLY with comfort at the end. The route I decided to go down was a private conversation between Leo and Raph after Leo wakes up from his coma in season 3. I hope this is to your liking and please enjoy!

TCEST DO NOT INTERACT

Warnings: Themes of death and anxiety, a little bit of swearing on Raph's part (just one word), this is angst so if you're not a fan of it don't read

Word count: 1,052 words

We Still Need You

How long had it been? Three months or something?

To Raph it seemed like an eternity. After the Kraang had taken over New York the turtles and their allies had no choice but to leave the only home they had ever known and find some time to regroup. They had no idea what happened to master Splinter and if he was even alive, and Leo had sustained numerous grievous injuries that landed him in a coma.

They drove somewhere upstate to the farmhouse April used to live in when she was younger. They were still able to get food and supplies from the small town about 10 minutes away, but they really had to budget their money. It was tough, but they were getting by.

All Raph could focus on the past few months was his big brother. Leo was beaten, bloody, battered, and bruised and seeing him in such a state mand the red clad turtle's heart shatter. Of course there were times where the two of them didn't get along, that's what siblings do. But Leo has always been kind to him even when Raph would say something he didn't really mean and patient when his temper got out of control. Never once did Raph think he might have to live in a world without his big brother around.

He didn't know what time it was when Leo began to wake up. All the anxiety that had been weighing on Raph's mind and heart had dissipated in an instant. Blue eyes met green as Leo let out a raspy, "Hey."

It took Raph a second to process what had just happened. Honestly, he didn't think he would see the day his brother woke up from his coma. Even with knowing that Leo's body was probably stiff and sore Raph couldn't stop himself from bringing Leo into the tightest hug possible.

"I thought we lost you man..." Raph mumbled quietly. The older turtle embraced his younger brother in the hug, albeit not as tightly.

"It's good to be back," Leo replied. As relieved as he was, there was still a pit in Raph's stomach, an anxiety that hasn't gone away since they had to flee New York.

"Can I be honest with you about something?" the younger turtle asked with a bit of apprehension in his voice. His tone took Leo back for a second. His confident, feisty, hotheaded, proud younger brother had never sounded so... scared before.

"What's on your mind Raph?"

The anxiety began to swell in his stomach. Raph couldn't make eye contact with Leo, he just couldn't bring himself to do it. The roof of his mouth felt like it had gone numb, and he could feel his heart beating in his chest. Recounting the events that happened the night of the invasion was hard for the three younger turtles, April and Casey. Everyone and everything that they had loved had to be left behind so that they could fight another day. But the one thing that was etched so clearly into the back of Raph's mind was seeing Leo be thrown through that apartment window.

It was something that he had beaten himself up over for months: Not being there when leo needed him the most. He couldn't imagine the hell his brother must have gone through for his body to be as damaged as it was, and he couldn't stomach the struggles Leo will have to go through while he's recovering.

"I was scared. Scared out of my...." Raph let out a sigh. "Out of my fucking mind."

This admission caught Leo off guard, especially the fact that Raph had just cursed. Sure, the red clad turtle would use bad language under his breath or when his temper got the better of him, but never was he so honest about it.

"Splinter's missing, we've been crashing at April's old farmhouse for the past few months getting by with what we got, and you've... been in here. Sleeping. And with as bad as your injruies were I..." Raph trailed off. Red hot tears were starting to swell up and sting his eyes. It stung more than any chili pepper or hot sauce could've. A look of concern grew on Leo's face.

"Raph...?" he asked quietly.

"We need you. I need you, Leo. And I don't think I realized just how much until this whole mess went down..." Raph's voice became quiet as Leo's expression softened. The older turtle did his best to prop himself up and lean over the edge of the tub to pull Raph into as tight of an embrace as possible.

Their father had told them time and time again that at some point they will be all that each other have. They knew that very well. It was always hard to tell when Raph cared, he was never one to really tell people just what he was thinking or how he was feeling. But Leo knew that this was one of the rare moments where Raph simply needed his big brother to be there for him. He could feel Raph hug him back, holding onto him tightly as if he was going to disappear.

And then he felt the tears. Raph never cried. Well, that is mostly the truth, Leo's caught him crying while watching a Disney movie on occasion but he knew that Raph would rather walk on flaming hot coals than get caught crying. The sniffling and choked back sobs pulled at Leo's heart and he could see how vulnerable Raph was.

"Let it out Raph, I've got you," Leo said quietly. And so he did. It was as if every single emotion that Raph had built up over the past couple of months spilled forward like a typhoon. Every weight and every emotion had come crashing down on him wave after wave. And Leo was there for him.

The older turtle knew that words weren't what Raph needed at the moment. So he remained present, a physical form that his brother could lean on. He knew that Raph might not say anything about this moment a few hours, a few days, a few weeks, or even a few years from now. But Leo knew deep down that Raph appreciated him just being there.

And that was more than enough.

[iana-stardust]

I need to brag about my energy drink consumption last year. I’m fully aware it’s not a good thing but I was proud of it at the time and I want to stand by that just for a bit.

Last year, I would have upwards of four cans of monster a day. I‘d buy two 24 packs a week and keep at least one pack stocked. Some days when I hadn’t slept, I‘d pop two cans of white monster, put them in one of those 1.5L bottles with a full tray of ice cubes and use them to make it through my lectures. At first it was white monster but the sweeteners and citric acid caused me serious stomach issues and I started getting tired of them, so I eventually switched to monster monarch. Still my favorite energy.

But also let’s face it. I was fucking addicted, to a dangerous extent. This originally came from me struggling with depressive thoughts and losing control of my day to day. On top of that, I developed anxiety over starting uni during lockdown. I started staying up late again to enjoy my late evenings when I could just game and chill and take walks with no obligations or anyone to see me and judge me. My sleep schedule shifted backwards. At first, I was going to bed at 10 every day. After two months, it shifted back towards 12. Soon after, 1 or 2 am. We were still in lockdown and I didn’t have a set time to get up as online lectures couldn’t take attendance and were often in the afternoon.

But I started getting up later and later, and my schoolwork started following me further into the evening. Soon I wasn’t staying up until three to unwind, I was staying up because I knew I was behind on my major and if I didn’t finish, it would get worse. My schedule shifted towards 4 to 5 am. I needed the energy drinks to make it through the day. But I was at home so my mum could keep tabs on my consumption, and it was largely a can a day.

After that, I moved back to Uni for my exam phase. I failed phenomenally, and was waiting for my expulsion letter. It never came. I reenrolled in my secondary major. No notice. I kept attending classes. Nobody said anything, but I was worried. Had there been a mistake? I should have been expelled. But I wasn’t? I wasn’t ready to give up, but the advisory office was closed still and I couldn’t get a clear answer. So I just kept up with classes. My anxiety got so much worse. But I was determined to do my best. I made it through the second online semester, and moved back to uni as classes moved back to in-person.

Going to uni for the first time wasn’t easy. I made some friends, but I was constantly a nervous wreck. The anxiety from my lack of expulsion loomed over me constantly. I trief hard to keep up with classes, but as the semester went on, my schedule started shifting again. I started pulling all-nighters because I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t recognize at the time, but I was having panic attacks almost every night. I was having heart issues and trouble breathing and I thought if I went to sleep I wasn’t going to wake up, so I didn’t sleep. I barely slept and regularly showed up to classes barely lucid. I needed the caffeine to make it to class. Several times I fell asleep on the tram back home and woke up in a different town. The caffeine stopped keeping me conscious and I increased my dose. As the semester approached its end I stopped attending classes altogether since I had sufficient attendance. But I still couldn’t sleep, I was still panicked. And my consumption of energy drinks only increased.

Now, I feel like mentioning here that my best friend has a nickname for caffeine: anxiety juice. And I‘m sure many of you know that feeling. I didn’t get that. I didn’t realize how much the caffeine was pumping into my anxiety. It was a spiral and I‘d taken the leap of faith down the center.

The next semester was the same thing but kicked into overdrive. I was drinking nothing but energy drinks stretched with water. I was gaining weight from the sugar in them so I cut back on my diet to lose weight, and went overboard. With my body constantly scratching by its very minimum energy I was craving the kick from the caffeine more than ever. But at this point I was so tolerant to it that I would drink a sixpack a day and still struggle to keep it together. The panic attacks stopped coming, they were here to stay now. And I didn’t even notice. I was a jumpy mess of self-loathing and anxiety. Finishing my mandatory classes should have been a relief but the approach of my bachelor‘s that I wasn’t going to be able to get drove me insane. I was thinking of doing unspeakable things to myself all the time that I don’t even want to remember. Being on a strict diet, I drank more energys than ever since there aren’t very many good non-caffeinated sugar free drinks and in lieu of the sugar I needed the kick of the caffeine.

And then the end of the semester came. And I looked at myself and I realized that this couldn’t go on. That if I kept having these thoughts, one day it would happen. That all the threats looming above me would only catch up to me. And even though I had once resolved that I wouldn’t, I decided to escape. I left uni and moved back home with my mother. I went to Taiwan and although my anxiety was still pretty bad, the month in Taiwan was a cold cutoff on my caffeine consumption. Besides a headache that droned on for a few days I was fine. But coming off the caffeine, I realized just how much it had affected and worsened my anxiety.

I really wish I could be a cool alt kid again, glued to my monster can, collecting tabs. Gaming late into the night and popping a can for that tryhard edge. But I‘ve barely had energys in almost half a year and I‘ve gotten way too sensitive to caffeine since. I only drink small low caffeine energys now, but my heart aches a little whenever I see a can if Monster Monarch in a shelf, knowing if I buy it I won’t sleep that night. I don’t know if or how badly I damaged my body, but I suppose I should be glad I didn’t inherit my father‘s heart issues.

[thestarfishinjootsoffice]

Angst ask for Hannibal! Mason verger kidnaps child!reader to get at Hannibal, how does Hannibal react in this situation?

Ahh I'm sorry anon I'm only at the beginning of S 2 of Hannibal and I can't seem to force myself to watch the rest of the episodes so I'm just gonna make this a random enemy of hannibal kidnapped his child hope you don't mind. And there wasn't really any angst in this either I'm sorry :(

I also had to end this short because I'm so tired. I accidentally typed in daughter

Minor/major spoilers up ahead (?)

NBC Hannibal with kidnapped! Child! Reader

You decided to walk home early to surprise your dad. You knew it was dangerous for you to walk alone but you never really had danger follow you so you decided to test your luck.

You were speed walking when hands suddenly grabbed you and kept a hand dag around your mouth to stop you from screaming too loud, and you smelled a slightly sweet scent which made your eyes feel heavy and eventually after struggling for a while you passed out.

You woke up with a cloth covering your eyes and mouth and tied to a uncomfortable chair and you heard an unfamiliar voice saying something but you were too anxiety filled to hear what and then hearing footsteps walking somewhere and you were scared to death, you shouldn't have walked alone! You were crying hard. Am I gonna die? Dad please save me, I don't wanna die..!

You were full on sobbing and you hoped your father would come to the rescue even if it seemed uncanny. But it wasn't too uncanny since a voice near you seemed to be talking to someone. You couldn't really make out what but you were really sure you heard the name 'Hannibal'.

Hope sparkled in you and you stopped crying but then you could make out a "if you don't get here in 20 minutes or less they will be dead." footsteps started walking near you and pressed a sharp object near your neck.

"Say hi to your father."

"Dad..?"

"Such a lovely obedient looking child, would be a shame to kill you right in front of your father.." He said the last word as if to mock you and your father of some sort. But right now you are also concerned for your life. And right now all you could do was wait. And hope he'll arrive in time.

__________________________

He was sketching and was wondering of what food he'll prepare for y/n and noticed it was time to pick up y/n. He got ready and was about to go until he got a phone call, he doesn't recognize the number. Could it be one of his clients?

"Hello?"

"Hello Hannibal."

It was a voice he definitely heard before but he can't put my finger on it. And it definitely wasn't something good.

"I have your child hostage, if you want them back meet me at ______ with in 20 minutes or less or they'll die. "

His heart dropped a little, this was all very sudden and this sounds like a very unfunny joke.

"If you want to prank call someone don't use these kind." He wanted to hang up but wanted to see what was gonna happen next.

"Say hi to your father." There was a few seconds of silence before a very familiar voice spoke.

"Dad..?" Your voice was shaky and he heard a small sniffle and now his heart dropped to his stomach.

Well shit. How did you even get into this situation? Weren't you at school?

He immediately hung up and went into his car and speeded all the way to his destination, he was nervously tapping and gripping his wheel. Hell he would've almost laughed at how unserious and scripted it sounded but now he was sweating and checking the time every 10 seconds.

He couldn't lose you, never. He lost Abigail who was a like a daughter to him and he hated how bad it felt. He didn't wanna lose you next you were absolutely more precious than anything in his world, he'll do anything to keep you safe. And his mind was running like a train at all the bad scenarios that might happen and shortly after he arrived and he didn't waste a second rushing inside.

And he found you tied to a chair and a knife against your neck.

"Finally you're here. I was starting to think you weren't coming, a close call for your child." He mumbled the last sentence but it was heard for both ears. You whimpered a bit and that only angered Hannibal even more.

You felt the coke object leave your thorat and two pairs of footsteps. And then you heard loud intense crashing and yelps and strings of curses and it lasted far too agonizing long for you to decided who was winning and who was losing and then those noises stopped. It just stopped and you were scared the body thud was your dad but you felt the ropes around your limbs loosen and the cloth on your eyes were snatched off and there stood your father who was horrifically injured and bloodied and a pool of blood under a dead body near him.

Time skip to a few hours after the incident and you are being scolded and lectured for hours and you're just zoning out wondering if all that really happened and now he arrives extra super earlier at your school and you don't complain about it. You both don't want it to happen ever again.

[babyangellee]

The Fear of Losing You (B.B)

Warnings: Torture, Blood, Swearing

Word Count: 1.2K

Summary: You would do anything to protect Bucky Barnes

Terrified was an understatement.

Your wrists were already raw from struggling and your voice cracked from the amount of strain screaming had put on your throat. Dried blood marked your face from where you had been hit, knocking you out, a gag was digging into the corners of your mouth and a blindfold covered your line of vision. 

How had you ended up in this situation? The last thing you remember was being at the tower, cooking mac and cheese, and humming to yourself. The rest of the team had been on a mission but you decided to sit it out given that you were still healing from the last one. Next thing you knew you were waking up with a pounding headache and tied to a chair. 

Before you had time to fully collect your thoughts the blindfold was being ripped off and a man kneeled in front of you. He smiled while reaching up to touch your cheek but you flinched away.

"Feisty" He chuckled in a thick Russian accent. He reached up again, this time aggressively grabbing your face and looking you dead in the eyes. "Let's begin, shall we." he let go of your face. removing the gag, and taking a step back. "Where is the Winter Soldier?" So that's what this is about, they wanted Bucky. You stayed silent, no way were you giving in to this. He repeated himself but you still didn't respond. He gave you a look before placing the gag back and heading towards the door.

"Начало" ("Begin") He nodded your way as you started looking around in confusion. What had he just said? As two men approached you, you tried to break free again, scared of what was going to happen next.  They looked at each other and then back at you. 

"Loyal are we?" He chuckled before grabbing a small knife from his pocket. He stabbed it in your leg as you screamed out in pain. "You'll talk. They always do eventually." 

*********

 Steve was laughing at something Wanda had said as the team made their way into the tower. Bucky made a beeline for your room wanting to see you after they had been M.I.A for the last three days. He missed your laugh and the smell of your coconut shampoo that filled his nose when you two hugged. When he didn't find you, he dismissed it as you were probably somewhere else in the tower. After about 10 minutes of not being able to find you, he circled back to the living room where everyone was sitting.

"Anyone see Y/N?" Bucky couldn't control how fast the words came out, anxiety starting to take over. Everyone looked around and then at each other realizing none of them had seen you yet. "Friday where's Y/N," Tony asked, sitting up straighter and placing his scotch on the table. "I don't think you are going to like this sir." Everyone's face went pale as a video of you being attacked in the kitchen started playing. They watched as you went from smiling and dancing around to falling to the floor and being dragged away. 

"Friday how long ago was that?" Nat asked, putting her weapons back in their holsters. "That was from yesterday afternoon." Another pang hit everyone as they realized you had been with your captor for over twenty-four hours. 

*********

"This will all end if you just tell us where he is." You chuckled as blood dripped from your mouth. "Kiss my ass!" This made your tormentor furious. Before you knew it your head was snapping to the side because of the impact of his fist. You just laughed again as the man in front of you picked up another weapon. 

"Do what you will, but I am never going to tell you where he is. I'd rather die than give him up" More blood dripped from your mouth as you held a straight face. You loved Bucky and you weren't about to give him up to this asshole who wanted to turn him into a brainwashed soldier. "Careful what you say, we can have that arranged." You couldn't hear his chuckle over your own screams as an electric shock was sent through your body. 

 You didn't know how much more of this you could take. You were trying to be strong for Bucky, for the team but there is only so much that you can take and you were getting pretty close to that amount. Just as you started to catch your breath a blade was pushed into your stomach leaving you gasping for air out of shock. 

"He'll come for her whether she's dead or alive." Was the last thing you heard before finally succumbing to the darkness. The men in the room just laughed and talk among themselves waiting for further instruction. 

*********

They wanted to be found. They weren't hiding where they were keeping you, the goal was to get him to come looking for you. Which he did, only he wasn't going to fall for their traps, he was going to save you. 

  Within an hour, the team was on the way to you. Friday had found the location pretty quickly and even though that should have been a red flag, the team didn't care. They needed you back.  

When they arrived, they walked in guns already in the air ready to kill anyone that got in the way, the team split up trying to find you. Bucky passed by a room and heard hushed whispers, it was the only room with a closed-door so he assumed that's where you would be. He walked into the room, finger already on the trigger of his gun. He quickly fired two shots, killing the two guards standing in front of you.

You. There you sat slumped over tied to a chair barely breathing. You had multiple fatal wounds but you were still fighting. "Guys I got her." Bucky said hardly about a whisper into his earpiece. 

"Hey wake up. Come on, wake up!" His voice cracked as the sight of you broke his heart, what on earth did they want to know that you were willing to die to protect?  "Please wake up!" That's when it dawned on him. This was Hydra, they wanted him and you nearly gave your life to make sure that didn't happen. 

The pool of blood was growing bigger every second that Bucky was distracted by his own thoughts until he finally snapped out of it and broke you loose, your body immediately and involuntarily falling into his arms. He picked you up and rushed you to the helicarrier and the team praying that you would be okay. As soon as he placed you down on a cot in the aircraft Sam was performing triage. 

His eyes didn't leave your form as Sam worked. He needed you to be okay, you were his everything. The helicarrier finally landed and you were being wheeled away faster than he could process. 

You were in med bay for three days before all the medication wore off and you finally woke up. Your hand was hidden between two larger ones, one flesh, one metal. 

"Took you long enough to find me." You chuckled as Bucky's head perked up to the sound of your voice.

[fundy-simp]

Fundy/GN!Reader - Granola Bars [3585 words]

Hurt/Comfort! This is a request by praise anon here! You’ve recently moved in with your boyfriend Fundy and you’re not sure when it started but you’ve been skipping meals. You feel as if it’s completely normal, that everyone has such a rocky relationship with food and eating but the small looks that Fundy gives you through out the first three weeks makes you think different. And one day you’re backed into a corner and are forced to tell Fundy about all you’ve been struggling with. 

Please be very careful reading this!! If you are triggered by subtle eating disorders, unhealthy relationships with food, and/or panicked thought processes/borderline anxiety attacks please scroll past this fic! Take care of yourself first and do not read anything that could possibly make you uncomfortable or harm you in anyway! Get a glass of water and maybe your favorite snack, alright? :]

You’re not really sure when you picked up the habit, maybe when you started to sleep in every morning, or when someone commented on how your hips were a little wider then made a joke about how it was because of how much you ate. Or, it could have been earlier, when you noticed how the fridge at home was normally almost empty. But you don’t really eat breakfast, or lunch sometimes, and on bad days you don’t even get dinner, instead opting to live off of small snacks all day. All you know is that it’s normal. … Right? Yeah, no, of course it’s normal. Just, no one talks about it, it’s one of those taboos that just stays on the down low. Telling yourself that doesn’t stop the weird guilt that twists in your stomach when your boyfriend, Fundy, asks why you’ve only eaten granola bars for breakfast the first week you moved in together.

Of course, you brushed off his questions, mumbling about not having enough time to eat and how eating a big dinner makes up for it and he doesn’t really buy it but he leaves you alone. The second week was no different, this time he didn’t ask you about it though, he just shot you a concerned look before going back to his own breakfast.

The third week is when you think you might crumble away. Tuesday morning you woke up at the ripe time of 10 am, leaving Fundy to rest a little longer as you quietly grumble to yourself about how already you’re feeling too tired for the day ahead. Groaning, you stretch your arms above your head standing there like that for a few seconds before reaching into the cabinet and pulling out a chocolate covered chocolate chip granola bar. Generally you save these for bad mornings and with the way your brain seems to crumble at the idea of doing things, you feel that it’s warranted today.

As you pull out your phone and do your morning routine you feel Fundy drape himself on you, leaning down to rest his chin on your shoulder while he snakes his arms around your waist. “Morning!” he said, his deep, sleepy voice felt like home, especially with the happy undertone. “How’s the granola?” he asked.

You shrugged in response, moving the bar so he could take a bite, “Try it for yourself and tell me.” 

He hummed before leaning to take a bite out of it, he chewed at it for a moment before replying, “It’s good- ”

“-Yeah because it’s chocolate, everything with chocolate tastes good.” you interjected, a giggle in your voice.

Sputtering for a moment he huffed, “I was gonna say it’s good, but not very filling.” He brought a hand up to push the granola bar back towards you and suddenly you had to physically suppress a shiver. Finishing the granola bar feels like a much harder task than before.

Swallowing, probably a little too roughly, you set it down, consciously making sure you don’t set it down too quickly. You wiggled out of his grasp for a second before looping your arms around his neck, bringing him close, trying to distract him from the barely half eaten granola bar. “Hey babe, do you have a stream today?” his brow twitched in concern for a second and you can't place what the pit in your stomach means but it almost made you nauseous.

The concern wiped from his face within seconds and instead he gave you a soft smile, “Nope! I’ve got the day off.” He said happily, replacing his hands on your hips “What? Wanna play Minecraft with a master? Or maybe get your ass kicked in Valorant again?” There was a slight teasing tone to his words, one you’ve come to love all too much.

You shifted your weight from foot to foot as you thought, “I mean…” you started, if you’re honest you have no idea where you’re going with this, but you’re nothing if not adaptable. “Whatever you want to do, love. I’m just in a ‘gaming with the boyfriend’ kinda mood today.” You finally said as you stopped shifting your weight, giving him a lop-sided grin.

Fundy looked at you for a second, his eyes somehow getting softer before he pulled you close and buried his face in the crook of your neck. “Stop. Immediately.”

A laugh bubbled out of your chest as you leaned onto him, “Stop what?” You asked innocently. 

“Being cute. Just stop that. It’s unbearable.” He replied, his voice dripping in faux annoyance.

You hummed, pretending to weigh your options, “Hm… Maybe, beat me in a 1v1 Valorant game and I’ll consider it.” the smugness in your voice got interrupted by a loud, genuine laughter from Fundy.

As he laughed he leaned up from you, “That’s all? Well, the cogs up there-” he pulled an arm up to tap the side of your head, “- better be ready to turn in consideration.” 

Scoffing, you pretend to be offended, “You really have such little faith in my skills?” You pulled your arm out from around him and clutched at your heart, “I’m so, so deeply hurt… I’ll have you know I’ve been practicing!” 

He laughed again at that, “Oh yea?” he said, a smirk teasing both his lips and you.

“Yeah!!” You insisted, “Go up to your office gamer boy I’ll prove it!” You said proudly, pulling away from him entirely. He rolled his eyes at you but listened, lost in the rush of the fake argument to remember he didn’t make coffee.

With a sigh you picked up the discarded granola bar, you peaked at the trash for a second before finding a smaller box. Carefully you place the granola bar into it and put it back into the trash. As soon as it left your hand you heard Fundy’s voice, there was an awkward tinge to it, like he had been there longer than you’d like but you refused to think too much about it. “Forgot my mornin’ coffee, aha.” he said and you just nodded in reply.

After a few seconds you’re pretty sure if you stayed in the kitchen any longer the ground was going to swallow you whole to reclaim you for the earth. “I’m gonna go set up my pc.” You said quickly, quietly before leaving a little too quickly. Your heart beat made its home in your throat as you got everything set up. You couldn’t place why you were so worried. This was normal, right? Everyone just… Did this, too, right? But… The concern in Fundy’s eyes when he sees you eat makes your stomach drop. Is it not- no. No, it is. You’re okay. It’s okay. This is normal and you are completely fine. 

You couldn’t help but grumble at your thoughts, every time you have this conversation with yourself you walk in circles and you never get anywhere. So, with as much energy as you could muster you shoved the thoughts into the back room of your mind, you have a Valorant game to win.

It’s about six games later before you both come to a conclusion, that being that Fundy is for sure still better at Valorant than you, “Fuunnndy!” You whined at him, “That was so unfair!” You grumbled, getting out of your chair to dramatically lean on his. “You’re a coder how do I know you didn’t make your own hacked client to win.” you teased, you’re not actually mad at losing its just fun to work Fundy up.

Fundy jumped at that, giving you an offended gasp, “Oh so when you’re winning you’re ‘cracked’ but when I’m winning I’m ‘hacking.’” He asked, making air quotes around ‘cracked’ and ‘hacking.’ “Have you considered, babe, that you are simply bad at video games?” He looked up at you with a smug smile, his eyes squinting just enough.

“Absolutely not. I am cracked, you just happen to be more cracked at coding.” You said, laughter slipping into your words despite your best effort.

Shaking his head, Fundy pushed you off his chair and started laughing, “See! You can’t even take yourself seriously, how am I supposed to?!” You made a few noises in protest before just falling to the floor and laughing with him. After a few minutes you both calmed down and Fundy stood up, offering you his hand, “C’mon!” He said, you mentally shrugged before grabbing his hand and letting you pull you along.

Fundy led you to the kitchen, much to your dismay, “I thought we could make lunch together!” He said happily.

You tried to swallow how the thought of eating made you feel sick as you wiggled your hand out of his, sitting up on your kitchen counter. “What’s on the menu?” you asked, tapping your fingers on the counter.

Humming to an unknown beat in his head, Fundy looked into the fridge, “I mean, sandwiches sound pretty good, huh?” He pulled out the things he wanted on his before turning to you, “Ham or turkey?” he asked, holding up two packages.

“Could I get a pb&j instead?” You questioned much quieter than you meant to.

Something unidentifiable flickers behind his eyes for a second, but then like nothing happened, he beams at you, “Of course, love.” he replies, pulling the jelly out of the fridge and handing it to you. Jumping off of the counter, you reach into the cabinet and pull the bread out for both of you. You quickly make yourself a half a pb&j before putting your things away and leaning on Fundy. He looks at you from the corner of his eye, the part of his brow that you can see drops for a second then pulls back into its neutral position. “That’s all you’re eating?” You can tell he’s being careful with his words.

“Yea, my stomach’s been acting up recently.” You half lie, it hasn’t been acting up per se more that you’re just not hungry. He tensed under your touch, the way you've come to recognize happens when he's deep in thought but you can see his face relax so you force yourself to relax as well. 

Softly, Fundy continued to him the tune from earlier, quickly finishing putting together his sandwich then peeling you off of him so he could put everything away. You grumbled but didn’t stop him before grabbing his phone, as he pulled away from the fridge you snapped a photo of him before drafting a tweet, “Can I tweet on your main?” you asked. He gave you a hum in return as he bit his sandwich, the tweet read ‘mans makin’ a sandwich to cope with how badly i beat him in val today’ and you couldn’t help but giggle at your own white lie.

“Oh god, what did you tweet? Is this gonna be the Ranboo tweet all over again?” Fundy asked, playing his panic up for the bit.

You smirked and held the phone away from him, “I have no idea what you’re talking about, I would only ever tweet nice and wonderful things about you!” you said, batting your eyelashes to fake innocence.

Fundy shook his head before setting his food down on the counter and grabbing you, taking the phone from your hand with much more ease than you’d like. He looked at it for a second then sputtered, “You! You bastard, you lied!” he said, there was no malice in his voice though, it felt more endearing than anything.

“It could have been worse, ya know!” You replied, looking over to see the replies, most of them making fun of Fundy, a few others asking who took the photo. You can’t help but laugh as you watch Fundy reply to the original tweet, saying how it was slander. You hummed as you watched a message pop up on the top from Sneeg. Fundy slid down on it, reading it before going to type his response, “You up for some Mario Kart on Sneeg’s stream?” he asked.

“Do I have to talk and all that?” You asked in return, he shrugged as he typed a quick response asking, a few moments later Sneeg replied back saying that while Fundy had to you didn’t. “Sounds good then!” you smiled.

Mario Kart was just as chaotic as you’d expect, zapping all of the energy out of you within just a few hours of playing. Once Sneeg had switched to Terraria, roping Fundy into playing with him, you withdrew from socializing. Even though you weren’t talking during it, being in such a chaotic social situation made you feel exhausted, especially after the up and down day that today had been for you. A little more grumbly than you meant to be, moved to the living room and flopped down on the couch before lazily turning on your favorite show to pass the time.

It was three, maybe four episodes before Fundy joined you on the couch, softly sitting down next to you as he draped himself on your side. “Sorry hun, that took longer than I expected." he said softly, his voice slightly gravelly from the strain of talking all day. 

You made a noncommittal noise in the back of your throat before shuffling till you could wrap your arms around him. "It's fine." you replied softly. 

Fundy heaved a sigh, relaxing more in your hold, "I was gonna make us dinner, but I'm tired…" he trailed off, somewhere in the back of your mind wished food would stop being brought up today. "You up for pizza?" he asked quietly.

For the first time all day you finally felt actually hungry so you nod, "Of course, nothing gets better than cuddling and eating pizza while watching a movie." 

The wide smile Fundy gave you made your heart melt as he pulled himself away from you, "I'll order it, you pick something to watch." he said quickly as he left for his phone.

Lazily, you glanced over the movies on Disney right now, nothing particularly taking your interest till you swiped over Luca. After internally debating for a moment you click on it, hovering over the play button for when Fundy returned. When he got back he flopped down next to you, opening his arms, a silent offer that you happily accepted. "Pizza will be here in thirty." he said, you simply hummed in return. "Luca, huh?"

"Yup!" You gave him a tired smile, "I've heard good things, plus nothing else really looked interesting." you more so mumbled as he reached for the remote and pressed play.

As expected, about thirty minutes into the movie there was a knock on the door and you begrudgingly pulled away from Fundy. You both decided to pause the movie while you ate, not wanting to be distracted while watching it. "You know," you started, biting into your second piece of pizza "I wasn't expecting Luca to be this good." 

Fundy raised a brow at you, "Really?" he bit into his piece.

"Yea, like, I had only ever heard good things. I just always assumed they were dramatized, ya know?" You mostly rambled, covering your mouth as you chewed.

Humming in agreement, Fundy set his crust back into the box and before you really know it you're eating it. "Didn't know you liked pizza crust." he said, a laugh bubbling just under his words.

"I didn't either!" You replied, shrugging "Guess it's just good pizza crust!" you smiled as you licked your fingers, Fundy happily reaching over and wrapping his arms around your waist to pull you into his lap.

Fundy hummed into your hair as he reached over and played the movie again. Softly, you sunk into his embrace, your eyes glazed over slightly as you watched the movie. At first glance you'd think that Fundy would be uncomfortable to hug, he was all limbs, made seemingly thin and bony, but he didn't feel like that. It was odd, yes, but comfortable so why think too hard about it? Lost in thought about Fundy's comforting arms you slipped off to sleep, leaning into him just enough more as you nuzzled your face into the arms that clouded your mind.

When you woke up, you couldn’t help but groan as you flipped over, trying to wrap your arm around Fundy only to find the back of the couch. Yawning as you sat up, you looked around through squinted eyes, you could smell eggs and bacon and tried to ignore how it made your stomach churn, “Fundy?” you call out a little quieter than you normally would. 

You heard some rustling in the kitchen for a few seconds before Fundy popped his head out from the doorway, “Mornin’!” He gave you a wide smile, his hair falling into his eyes thanks to how he was tilted.

“What are you doing over there, foxboy?” you asked, wiping the sleep out of your eyes. He excitedly motioned for you to come over and after a little grumbling, you sighed and made your way over. Once you were close enough he grabbed your arm and pulled you close to him as he walked over to the island in your kitchen, having you sit down on a stool. 

"Okay now, just. Wait one moment." he said quickly, you just giggled in response. 

Quietly you hummed to yourself, trying to distract your body from the weird pit that formed in your stomach at the smell of the food that’s only gotten stronger. It was some Undertale song, honestly more of a mix of a few since it's been so long since you’ve played it, and it worked for the most part. When he placed the plate in front of you, you had to physically stop yourself from twitching away from it. 

“I’ve noticed you don’t eat a lot in the mornings, and while I know it’s not my place to pry, I’ve been worried.” He said softly, the worry in his voice was obvious and it made you feel impossibly guilty. “But, so, what I did is I learned how to make an american breakfast! It seemed like fun and from what I read it’s really filling.” He sat down next to you, placing his own plate of food down. 

Out of the corner of your eye you see him start to dig in, and willing your hands to be steady you go to eat too. You pick up the toast first, bread has always been the easiest thing for you to eat, toast especially because it reminded you of your childhood. By the time you finished it, you noticed Fundy had already eaten his eggs and bacon. Carefully you grab your fork and start on your eggs, three bites in and you set the fork down. “Fundy… Can I… Can I tell you something?” you asked him, fidgeting with your hands.

Fundy finished chewing his bite of toast and nodded, wiping the crumbs off his face. “I can’t.” you moreso whisper, trying to stop the tears you didn’t even realize were building. “I can’t eat all of this. I-I’m sorry, I hate to- to waste food like this but. It. It makes me nauseous to think about.” You said, somehow it felt like you were talking too fast and too slow at the same time, everything feels like it's spinning, the stool you sat on suddenly becoming the center of the universe.

You don’t notice how you were hyperventilating till Fundy carefully grabs your face, his touch was soft and careful, wiping the tears off your cheeks as he looked at you with gentle eyes. “Y/n… Love… How long have you been dealing with an… An eating disorder?” His voice is soft but the mention of eating disorders makes you jump out of your skin.

“I-I. I do not have an eating disorder!” You say louder, and quicker, than you meant to. “Yeah, maybe a little. Like. Disordered eating, but- but that's different!” You insisted, eyes wide as you looked at him.

He made a small face, one you know meant he didn’t believe you, but it left his face as fast as it came, “Yeah- yeah, of course… My bad.” He said carefully. “How can I help, then?” softly he rubbed his thumbs into your cheeks and you leaned into the touch.

You sighed, bringing your hands up to hold onto his wrists, effectively grounding yourself just a little more. “I’m not really sure… I didn’t really know I even ate weird, honestly.” you admitted, even though you just woke up you feel like you could fall asleep for a solid day.

Fundy leaned up and gently connected his lips to your forehead, staying there for a moment before pulling away, “That’s okay, we’ll figure it out together, alright?” You nodded, a little jerkier of a movement than you meant to, but he looked at you with the same lovesick eyes he’d always had. “I love you, you know that right, y/n? This doesn’t change how I see you at all..” He gave you a smile, it made you melt, you couldn’t help but smile back.

“Yeah, I know. I love you, too, Funs.” You said just before placing a light kiss on his lips. “Thank you, genuinely. It means a lot.”

A light laugh bubbled out of Fundy as he pulled his hands off your face and pulled you into a hug, “Of course, I’m always here for you. I promise.” 

[dclsbaby]

tolerate it - Dominic Calvert Lewin 🦋

Summary: despite being in love, you and dom drift apart during a career hiccup and it breaks your heart into tiny little pieces

Word Count: 3.1k

Warnings: angst? pain?

A/N: hi everyone! I took the looongest hiatus known to mankind and I just want to thank everyone who has still stuck by this blog! I haven't written in a while and this isn't by best work but I hope you'll enjoy it anyway! ily!

masterlist

I wake and watch you breathing with your eyes closed

I wake and watch you breathing with your eyes closed

I sit and watch

I notice everything you do or don’t do

Every little thing he does leaves you in awe. The man can’t do no wrong in your eyes. You notice the way he breathes, his little gestures, his subtle movements. Others can envision an entire story just by observing the way he looks at you. As you lay in bed with his body next to yours, his chest rising with every breath taken, you discover a newfound appreciation to add to the list of things you love about him. You have never felt a feeling so intense, so visceral. Love is terrifying, isn’t it? Love often leads to infatuation, and this was no different to you. You wear your heart on your sleeves, feel every emotion, from the exhilarating highs, to the excruciating lows. To be dependent on another human for happiness is a dangerous game. You fear love. And with fear comes paranoia.

It started when your conversations became shorter and shorter by the day. Then, it’s him arriving late from training, to no longer waking you up before he leaves for early morning training. No more forehead kisses when you’re still asleep, no more post-it notes on refrigerator doors telling you he’s made you breakfast, no nothing. Bodies that were once intertwined each night now rest apart with unwanted distance in between. Distance you so wanted to close.

As the weather turned cold, so did he.

I wait by the door like I’m just a kid

Use my best colours for your portrait

Lay the table with fancy shit

And watch you tolerate it

Without fail, you would always wait for him to come home, run to the door when you hear his car pull over on your driveway and leap into his arms the second he steps in your shared home. He would hold you up as your legs wrap around his waist, and whisper “I’ve been waiting to come home to you all day,” in your ear. A memory you long to relive.

You knew he had been struggling, coping with a plateau in his career, playing less and less, becoming a resident of the substitution bench. It hurt you to see him hurt, but it also pained you that he did not turn to you for comfort. “Nothing is wrong,” he says, over and over. Lies, you thought. You know him better than anyone else. So you try and convince him that he could trust you, and that keeping it all in would only make it worse. I mean you would know, as you have been suppressing so much pain this whole time. But he wins this battle yet again, and with his ego intact, he shrugs it off, ignores his frustration, and pushes you away.

While you were out building other worlds, where was I?

Where’s that man who’d throw blankets over my barbed wire?

I made you my temple, my mural my sky

Now I’m begging for footnotes in the story of your life

As months passed by, you were no longer his live-in partner, but a stranger he has to coexist with, leaving you lonely each night as he drifted off to sleep inches away from you. Even then your love for him is still as potent, as strong. Your loyalty is a crime.

Your efforts to make him feel better never ceased, as you continue cooking him his favourite meals after training, helping him pack his bags the night before he leaves for international duty, doing household chores so he never had to bother with them after coming home from an exhausting day, making playlists of songs you think he’d like, and putting movies and tv series you know he would enjoy in his Netflix list.

You would do anything for some form of acknowledgement.

You would do anything to bring back those first two years back.

You would do anything for a simple touch, a hug, an embrace.

You would do anything for… something.

Everything you did, you did for him. Every thought that passes your mind, involves him.

It’s just a phase. It’s just a phase. You try to convince yourself. That’s a lie, another subconscious voice says.

---

It was the night before the Merseyside derby, which happens to be the final match of the season. The most anticipated match of the year. The perfect match. The match that determines if Everton is crowned Premier League champions. Half of the city at war with the other half. Two colours, two clubs with a historic rivalry battle it out on the pitch once again.

He was nervous, you could tell. You catch him playing with his food and struggle to finish his meal as he was sick to his stomach. After months of hate comments, online trolling, and being subject to pundits’ criticism, this was the perfect match to prove all the doubters that he is worthy of wearing his blue jersey. He spent several more minutes tossing pieces of food with his fork until he got up, placed his plate on the sink, and made his way up the stairs to sleep. No “see you upstairs”, or a last goodbye before he sleeps. You had to resist every temptation to start a fight and argue that you deserve more than silence. But you knew how important tomorrow’s occasion is, and decided against it.

Shortly after you make your way into your bedroom. He was curled on the edge of the bed, eyes closed, bedroom lights dimmed. You go to your shared bathroom, take what’s left of your makeup off, and get ready for bed. You stare at yourself in the mirror. Darkened under eyes, lips cracked down the middle. You were dehydrated, tired, exhausted, and looked almost ghastly. Turns out having a broken heart does have implications on your vanity. How much longer can I do this? You thought. You felt pathetic, feeling sorry for yourself. You exhale a deep sigh and make your way back into the bedroom, joining him in bed. As you settle on the bed, you turn your body away from him, and tug the duvet your way, curling into a fetal position and tuck yourself in, and drift off to sleep.

All of a sudden, you hear sounds of shifting sheets, the bed slightly moving with every turn he makes. You could tell he was awake. You knew the events of tomorrow are playing on his mind and making him lose sleep. With only a little hesitation, you extend an arm and rest your hand on his back, causing him to shudder a little. Your touch had stopped the shifting and brought him comfort he did not know he needed. Not long after, you could hear soft snores from his side of the bed.

---

You woke up to an empty bed, which was not unusual. You forgive him though, since it is a big day and he probably had to tune into the game day mentality early in the morning.

You watch the game from home and stare at the TV screen as the cameras zoom into Dom, his face serious, ready to fight it out on the pitch. Since the second the referee blew the first while, it had already gotten intense. Both teams began attacking from the get-go, a handful of chances created even though it’s barely been a quarter of an hour.

Minutes passed, and yellow cards have been handed out for several players. Every spectator in different time zones all glued to their screens, all on the edge of their seats until half-time. The camera catches a glimpse of him walking off the pitch. He looked angry and frustrated, you could tell. He was responsible for most of the chances created during the game, though he couldn’t seem to poach one in.

Ben had made a long pass that Dom couldn’t quite convert into a goal.

Lucas had delivered a stunning, almost perfect cross that landed on Dom’s head, but it went wide.

Richy had attempted a shot on his own, which pissed Dom off.

It’s all square at half-time, but football is a game of two halves, and to decide which side of the city will celebrate tonight is determined by the next 45 minutes at least.

Every player is now back on the pitch, ready to give it their all.

10 minutes in, it’s long balls and defending, the opposition giving no room to maneuver through the box. That is until Lucas passed another strikingly accurate cross.

“MISS AGAIN! How could he have missed a cross like that a second time?”

“Everton’s number 9 squashes an open goal opportunity, what a shame, that.”

“He’s going to hate himself for that,”

“He already does, Calvert-Lewin looks like he’s about to see red.”

You listen to the commentators as they describe Dom’s frustration. You watch with anxiety, occasionally scrolling through your phone to avoid the intensity.

---

Into the final minute of the game 90+3.  Still all square at the Goodison. It’s now or never.

“Free kick!”

“The free-kick will be done 20 yards off the goal post.”

“This could be the last chance of the game!”

“It’s been decided that Sigurdsson will take the free kick, Calvert-Lewin leaps into the air, ball’s on his head—GOAL!!!”

And just like that, in the final minute of the game, his team clinches the winner, and your man is hailed the hero of the night.

You watch the screen as the referee blows the final whistle of the game, Dom doing sprints around the pitch with his teammates, bodies jumping on each other, veins popping through every neck, roars of exhilaration filling the open air as Everton is calculated to win the league.

You watch him immerse himself in the exhilaration of crowning his team champions of the Premier League. The blue confetti rained over the stadium in the crisp yet comfortable afternoon air, cheering noises blasting through the speakers. You watch the screen zoom into the love of your life, or was. You see his perfectly chiseled face, those bright green eyes, brunette locks still perfectly put together even after a hard-fought game, his sweet smile warming your heart. Your eyes glued to the screen as your man is hailed a hero, and feel an overwhelming sense of pride.

Though not even the cheering and happy faces on TV could distract you from the churning feeling in your stomach. It’s a feeling you can’t quite pinpoint. Is it confusion? Anger? Happiness? You don’t even know.

You’re happy for him, truly. But you can’t seem to shake the fact that it took him being distant from you, and completely ignoring your existence to get his head back in the game. It’s like you and football were mutually exclusive, and he can’t focus on both things he loves most at the same time. You weren’t going to make him choose either.

---

He didn’t come home that night, and you saw it coming. You knew he was going to go out with his teammates, and rightfully so, they achieved a massive milestone after all. But it bothered you that he didn’t say anything, no texts, no voicemails, nothing to tell you of his whereabouts. You thought he would at least change after all that success, but still nothing. Everything is going to stay the same, isn’t it? You thought.

The next morning you wake up to an empty bed. Again. Totally expected. You reach out for your phone and see 10 missed calls from your best friend and several text messages with picture attachments. You were not prepared for what you were about to see.

Attached were pictures of him in a club with his teammates, pictured awfully close to a woman you don’t recognise. He was smiling and looked happy. You can’t remember the last time he looked like that, or even smiled at you. You haven’t even stood as close as they way that woman is in his space, for months. He hasn’t looked at you the way he’s looking at her in those pictures for months.

You felt sick. Your mind is racing. Your heart feels like it’s about to fall out of your chest. You wanted to cry and scream but nothing came out. Total silence. Pure shock. You had no tears left to cry, as you wasted it all from crying yourself to sleep just inches away from the man who broke your heart every day.

Should I have seen it coming? Has he been going out with her for months? When did it start? You try to remember every single detail over the past few months. Every single pain, every single action that you could have overlooked.

---

By the afternoon, you’ve already spent hours sitting on your bed, staring at the pictures sent to you. More links have appeared as gossip sites picked up on the story.

“Dominic Calvert-Lewin celebrates historic Merseyside win with a mystery girl who is not his missus”

“Everton Hero – Also a Cheat”

“Cursed WAGs – DCL celebrates PL win with mystery woman as his missus is MIA”

The more you read these news outlets, the number you feel. The whole of England knows your dirty laundry, you felt like a fool.

You were done.

Drawing hearts in the byline

Always taking up too much space or time

You assume I’m fine, but what would you do if I…

Break free and leave us in ruins

Took this dagger in me and removed it

Gain the weight of you, then lose it

Believe me I could do it

Shortly after you hear keys rattling downstairs, followed by the sound of doors shutting. You hear footsteps walking up the stairs, and you mentally prepare to see his face. You still don’t know how you’re going to react, not until you see him.

As he steps into the doorframe, he sees your bloodshot eyes and stops in his tracks.

“So, I presume you’ve seen what’s being said about me,” he moans.

“Yeah, yeah I’ve seen,” you shrug.

“It’s absolutely ridiculous isn’t it, shouldn’t believe everything you say,” he says.

“-is it though? Is it absolutely ridiculous that what they say could be true?” you cross your arms.

“Of course, it is! What are you even saying?” he says, offended.

“I’m saying that I have spent months slaving for you, putting you before myself without getting anything in return! I’m saying that I have been so miserable in this sad excuse of a relationship, holding onto the last memory of when you last said you loved me which was months ago! I’m saying that it would not be so unbelievable if you had been cheating on me, and that I had to find out from some tabloids!”  

“If you had been so miserable then why didn’t you say anything? You could have said something if you’ve been so unhappy!” Dom yells.

“Because I have been tiptoeing around you! Afraid of saying the wrong things to set you off, I did not want to be a burden during a time when I know you’re struggling,” you sigh.

Dom’s body nearly goes limp after hearing your confession.

“I put you before myself over and over again for the past year, and you have the nerve to assume I’m fine? Fine with what? Being ignored? Being second best? You don’t know what that does to a person,” you cry.

“Do you regret it?” he asks with tears in his eyes. “Do you regret me?” he looks at you.

“No, Dom. No, I don’t. I don’t regret you because I’ve spent the last few months giving it my all to a relationship on the brink of ruins. I never gave up on you, and I never gave up on our love, or what’s left of it,” you sigh. “Deep down, I think I knew that I deserved more than a pathetic excuse of a career hiccup, but I was prepared to stand by you through it all,” you break into cries. “My love was strong enough to ignore every warning sign, strong enough to mute fire alarm bells ringing in my head, alerting me to leave a relationship where I was no longer appreciated,” you rest your head on your hand. “Maybe we’re all allotted a certain amount of fight to give per love, and today… Today I ran out,” look up at him.

“Don’t fucking say that. Do not say that. I am not done fighting for this relationship, I know I fucked up! You don’t think I know that? I will fix everything, you don’t have to do anything, let me do everything I will fix us!” Dom begs.

“There’s no fixing us. It takes two people to fix a relationship, I learned that the hard way and I singlehandedly attempted to piece us back together only for you to break through what I’ve built and held together with my bare fucking hands,” you say as you wipe your tears away.

Dom drops to the floor as he could no longer stand the pain he feels from what you’ve just said.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I-I don’t know what to say,” he pleads

“If it took you this long, and if it took me standing here yelling at you for you to regret what you did then we are past the point of fixing,”

“You know what football means to me, I felt stuck, everything that I had dreamed of as a kid was slowly fading, I couldn’t bear it,” Dom reasons.

“I would never get in between you and football. I would never have even considered making you choose, Dom. I would have done absolutely anything for you, anything, you said. “I just needed you to tell me what the hell is going on so I could have helped you. I did not deserve to be swept under the rug, to be left feeling useless, while you were out doing god knows what with god knows who after training every. Single. Day.”

“Are you implying that I cheated on you?! That I, me – someone you’ve known for years, is cheating on you?”

If it’s all in my head, tell me now

Tell me I’ve got it wrong somehow

“Go on then! Tell me I’m making all of this up in my head. Tell me that I am not wrong to assume such insane thoughts, tell me that it is so beyond the realm of possibility that you could ever be unfaithful.”

Dom stayed silent.

You simply nodded and picked up your belongings, ready to leave.

“Nothing happened. I swear,” he pleaded.

“Your silence was enough,

Goodbye.”

I know my love should be celebrated

But you tolerate it

[ka-writes]

——————

Notes:

I am very sorry it is so late! My birthday was two weeks ago and honestly I have been stressed. Again thank you all so much for the support! All of the comments are lovely, sorry I haven’t been able to respond. Anyways I gift a longish chapter!!

——————

Warnings: Emotional manipulation, crying, cussing, mentions of pirates.

——————

Inspired by:

Humans are Space Velociraptors

By:FreshRoses_InMyGarden_NeedTheRain

Some kids come from storks, others come from crashed spaceships

By: mmmajora

Home Again, Home Again

By: teeth_eater

All works can be found on Ao3

——————

Ao3 link:

——————

Incase you missed:

Chapter 1:

Chapter 9:

——————

Chapter 10: “I have some news..”

——————

Eret woke up to the sounds of unidentified birds.

That was one of the stranger things about space.

Most people theorized about other intelligent species and what not, but from what she heard during her time on Earth, few even touched on alien animal species. And when the few did, they were mainly described as monsters or on a few occasions the pets of other intellectuals.

Still, it was easy to grasp the concept after it was presented to you.

He got up and started the morning routine. Frying eggs and bacon, or something close to it along with a plate of fruit and dried petals being prepared for one of the guests. After starting the tea kettle they made their way to the bathroom to get ready. Once done, they knocked out a few chores before heading towards the stairs.

It was strange. A sense of overwhelming dread came over him. The stairs, which had always been a comfort after a long day, seemed dark and ghostly. Every step added to the anxiety that filled a pit in their stomach. Taking a small breath they climbed the last step and approached the guest bedroom.

One consistent thing was that the room was always laid open for emergencies. Even though the commune itself was closed and relatively unheard of, that room had been filled with people from everywhere. All with a different story, family, connection, job, past, mood, etc. Only few had ever scared Eret to the point where they were relocated, and even fewer had ever escalated. For the most part, the guests that laid behind the door wanted nothing more than to get away from their old lives and start fresh.

Even with past experiences and a relative idea of what the guests had gone through, he found himself struggling to turn the door knob. Leaving a scared shaking hand to hover over the handle. So instead they simply knocked.

It took only two seconds for the two to be out of the room and alert. The droneling looked about ready to scold the human because of their messy golden locks.

The trick itself stunned Eret. It made them think back to the few times she had to stand in the same room as Dream. Shivers from the day still haunted her.

“Good morning.” Eret started, the two looked at the older with a concentrated glance. The droneling seemingly evaluating Eret while the other simply interested in what they had to say. “Please feel free to help yourself to the food down stairs. I left some eggs and bacon on the stove, along with fruits and dried petals on the table. I will be going out to do some chores for about an hour, please eat within that time. We will discuss further plans after I get back.” With that the older left, biting back the sour taste in their mouth.

They hated having to give descriptive orders, but it was one of the things you had to learn in a town full of traumatized starlings. Most wouldn’t eat if there wasn’t a direct enough order, and Eret was not a fan of people starving. Which is why they left room for free choice, in the quantity and such, yet the action itself was descriptive and had a time limit. Which in turn left little room for the brain to panic. Still it felt uncomfortable for them to have to use that against them.

They walked out of their apartment and wandered through the streets. Checking the usual things and making sure the morning routines were in order.

After securing everything and helping, and elderly person carry some boxes, they stepped into the most secure building in the colony.

“Good morning your majesty.” A communicator going by the name of Purpled greeted her.

“Good morning Purpled. Please set up table 23 for communication, along with the latest updates on the SBI and Dream Team crafts.” Eret calmly said while taking a seat.

“Right away, your majesty.” The young starling started on the task. Typing furiously and pulling up a few different search engines before relocating it to the main illusion.

“Alright,” Eret clapped their hands, “Please bring in Foolish, Fundy, and Hannah in please, we are currently holding two well known missing starlings.” With that Purpled contacted the three, but not before swallowing down a gasp.

——————

“Fix your hair.” Tubbo hissed at Tommy as he headed down stairs.

Tubbo was right, his locks were messy and unkempt. They even had a few twigs knotted into them.

…

It took fifteen minutes to fix the unruly hair. That was bad. If Dream saw the mess he would most likely get that god awful spray he always used.

He stepped out of the room, checking down the halls to check for any danger or angry crew mates.

That was strange.. the halls were completely different. Not to mention there were no overhead lights, only lamps embedded onto the small cozy halls. And the walls were made of wood, the floor was a nice warm grey carpet.

As if a brick hit him in the head, the events of the night before flooded in.

He stepped down the stairs, to the smell of bacon, when was the last time he smelled that sweet homely smell?

He filled his plate with some eggs and a piece of bacon. There was really no set rule of how much he could eat, so he grabbed the portion Dream gave him if he did a good thing.

But you weren’t good. You ran away. Now Dream will have to reteach the poison out of you again.

He didn’t want that! He quickly put most of the eggs back into the pan and broke off a smaller portion of bacon.

He quickly ate the portions and ignored the stiffness that surrounded the pair.

——————

Incoming call… The_Eret

That was an unusual start to the morning. Nikki waved to an employee to man the storefront as she headed back into the staff room.

“Hello?”

“Nikki! You’re in contact with the captain of the SBI Craft pilot right?” Sure enough Eret’s voice reached through the com speaker.

“Oh my primes Eret! I honestly didn’t think it was you at first, but yes I am in contact with their pilot, why are you asking?” Her tone changed from sweet to serious in seconds, and she knew Eret could feel the sudden tension.

“I have some news.. don’t worry it’s nothing bad, but I just need to check something first,” Eret paused to recollect thoughts “from your interactions are they a good crew?”

Nikki was a little caught off guard by the question. The crew themselves were an interesting bunch. Everyone knew they were a craft that used to be designed for pirating. While that may have sounded bad to anyone who came from another part of the galaxy, anyone knew they were good people only really fighting a corrupt system. That was also portrayed through the brief interactions they had while they discussed developments on the starlings' whereabouts.

“I.. I would say they’re good people. All of them are stubbornly loyal. They haven’t done anything awful without a plausible cause and haven’t betrayed anyone’s trust yet. They are simply seen in different light by the ISF.”

Eret seemed to be satisfied with the genuine answer, “Good, that’s good. Send a message that I have news on the whereabouts of the missing starlings and would like to have a formal meeting in an hour, thank you Nikki.” They ended the call, leaving a chat room address and a shocked Nikki behind.

——————

Tubbo was planning something again.

He always had this stupid face whenever he was forming the next plan of attack or was trying to get him and Tommy more food. His ears always fell flat on his head, and his antennas twitched while he scrunched his face in concentration.

Oh well.

It couldn’t be anything too bad, especially since the other promised not to kill Tommy if he didn’t get in the way.. hold on there’s a flaw there, he never said he wasn’t gonna hurt Tommy..

As soon as the younger caught on, the older tackled him to the ground and restrained him.

“Oi! WHAT THE FUCK!” Tommy yelled, the older started shaking. Without warning Tubbo collapsed on Tommy causing him to be further trapped on the hardwood floor.

Tears from the droneling soaked Tommy’s shirt and he was overall confused. Never once had the other cried from emotional pain, only ever physical. The human was at a loss for words.

“I… I am so-sorry...” the droneling sobbed. “I was the o-one to take us t-to that stupid s-shop, and now w-we’re here.. The w-worst part is that we’re l-lost..”

His mind ran blank. He had never really been in a situation like this. He never really blamed Tubbo, only ever himself. He was supposed to do everything exactly how Dream asked, therefore it was his fault he got hurt.

“You really shouldn’t apologize…” The human started, “Neither of us knew what was about to happen. The shit we went through can only really be blamed on me. Plus the past is past, best not to think ‘bout it bee boy!” A small giggle came from the alien, “Really the only thing we can do now is take it one step at a time and get you home.”

“Thanks bossman..” with that the two had finally fallen into a comfortable silence.

The birds chirped and the morning glow was still in the air. Mother moved, in fear that if they did the other would disappear forever. A new hope blossomed in Tommy’s heart. Maybe he would finally have a real friend in this hell of a universe. And for once Tommy felt a genuine peace, even if he was laying on the cold floor of an alien’s apartment, but then again when did those details matter?

——————

“Hello.” Eret started, “As you may or may not know, I have information on the whereabouts of the missing starlings.” They looked up from their notes to briefly study the aliens.

One of them was shocked, they had curly brunette locks and looked to be on the verge of tears. They were positioned to the left of the captain. The one to the right was calm and collected yet couldn’t help the shocked glance they shared with the others. The captain was also on the verge of breaking down yet hid it behind a calm expression. So far these were good reactions, which definitely meant she made the right choice.

“The two starlings are both unharmed and are residents in my colony.”

“Oh thank the primes!!” The brunette breathed.

“For your information, I have no idea how they got to my colony or what happened to them.” The three shared glances, “As for transporting I cannot allow you on my planet directly simply for my colony’s sake, but I can transport them to Amari alongside a trusted crew who have already sworn never to harm any passengers. They will then be taken to Nikki who will house them until you arrive. I hope you understand the course of action.”

After a suffocating moment of waiting for the captain to respond the others came to a silent agreement. “We do understand, thank you for taking care of them. We appreciate your help.”

“It is no problem! I just hope I won’t have to do this again.” They sent a glare to the crew before ending the call.

The crew was already preparing the ship and supplies were being delivered to the dock. The only thing left to do was tell the strange starlings they had only met the night before.

——————

Chapter 10-End

Words: 1969

——————

Literally everyone except Dream: Ima protect the children

Dream: I need minions

——————

Thank you again!! Remember likes are appreciated but reblogs are better!!

Go take care of yourself.

<3

——————

[jean-does-not-have-a-horseface]

Only Time Makes It Human 3

Part 1 | Part 2

A/N: hi and sorry for the long wait, I had to squish my brain real hard to get this chapter out, but I hope you like it, I decided a chapter about growth wasn't enough and y'all gave me an idea for angst so I just splashed it there and we'll delve into it more on the next chapter. 10/10 the idea works well enough for me to bring Levi and reader together even more. So don't call me out on being random. This is raw, un fucking edited, I'll edit later 💗

Pairing: Levi/ Reader

Tags: modern au, college au

Warnings: mentions of blood

Special kudos if you figure out why I used this gif ;)

The problem with your feet being numb in the morning when you woke up wasn't supposed to phase you as much as it currently did, but the weathering cold that had barged its way to your room silently begged to have you feel something other than the everlasting whirlpool of regret.

Which was -unsurpisingly- something you had been spiraling into a lot lately.

Your ringtone -or rather the caller that had caused it to go off- nontheless remained mercilessly unforgiving to your current condition. The brute vibrations that accompanied your once favorite song ripped through the air and bounced on every wall inside your room before it wooshed inside your eardrums.

You fucking finally had to change that ringtone, you thought.

Your feet, moist and heavy as they buzzed with the aftermath of the coma-like sleep you had just gone through, struggled to wiggle from underneath the comfort of your blankets. Your hands instinctively rubbed the underside of your nose as you sniffled all the cold of the room around you. Throwing the blanket off of you, you groaned at the non stop ringing of your phone.

The few steps to your desk felt like an eternity of having to walk with a badgy weight on your feet, but the faint feeling in your body didnt come to an halt even after you picked the device in your hands. Your eyes couldn’t really adjust well to make out the ID of the caller, of course, sleep hadn't rubbed off your eye lids yet, but still you slid the emerald button to acceptance with no resistance.

“Hey” you sleepingly moaned.

“Hellooo! (Y/n)!” Hange called enthusiastically for the other line, her joyous voice piercing your eardrums “Where are you booo?”

“I just woke up why?” you yanwed.

Pacing your eyes around your room you noticed the dull daylight creeping in through your blinds, signaling the gloom of another potentially snowy day for Trost. You blinked as you took notice of the few articles of soon to reside in the laundry bin clothing as well as the dress that hung from your closet door.

And then, it all snapped.

“Oh. shit!”

Anxiety rushed through you like a bullet to the gut, gushing numbness and waves of cold sweat from the point of impact. Forcefully, you ripped your phone off your ear and double tapped at screen to make it light up. The date read December 25, and below it, laid numerous notifications of your alarm and even a pop up reminder from last night to not forget the food you had to take with you.

Thinking back to that, your head started spinning like crazy, the familiar, yet bizarre feeling of your stomach dropping overtaking you. You hadn't cooked, rather, you had spent all night drinking and sulking on your own, cursing yourself for all your choices up to date.

"Yes, oh shit!” Hnge laughed “Oh! You forgot?”

"Hangeeee stop screaming oh my god no I didn't forget, I'm on my way okay?"

A little yelp came out of your mouth as the cable of your charger prevented you from taking another step closer to your bedroom door; letting out a curse under your breath though you quickly unplugged your phone, and rushed over the mess of your room and out to your living room.

"But you said you just woke up."

"Ahhh," you scratched your head, feeling your loose t-shirt sliding down your shoulder "no!" You said, then in a sterner voice you repeated "No! I uhm, I was just-"

Your poor excuse to communicate after having just woken up didn't startled Hange. If anything, she seemed to find it amusing because she burst into joyous, bubbling laughter at the sound of your despair. And you couldn't blame her for it; were you under any other circumstance you would be laughing with yourself as well.

"It's fine. Erwin and I are making a cake for shorty so if you want to cook here you have plenty of time yet. I'm going to say it though, we could really use your pastry skill."

You let out a sigh as you took your phone off your ear and pressed on the speaker icon. Your hands worked fast to grip onto the hem of your shirt and then, even faster, they managed to pull it off of you in shift movements.

"I'm just going to have a shower, dress up and I'll be on my way. It shouldn't take more than 30 minutes."

Hange exhaled in utter relief through the phone and you could practically feel her sheepish smile as Erwin shouted a big fat 'thank you' from the depths of his kitchen. Bringing out a hand to grap your shower cap -the only shower product you loathed using- you ripped the cap off its place on your cabinet and messily shoved all of your hair in it in rushed movements.

"Got any questions before I hit the shower Hange?"

"Please ask her" Erwin was heard and you cocked your head to the side at the sound.

"No Erwiin, we got it under control okay?"

"No we don't."

Shaking your head to prevent yourself from zoning out, you clicked your tongue before opening your mouth to address your two friends. Asking as to what they were referring to was easy, although it was obvious that Hange felt confident in succeeding in the task Erwin was referring to. Knowing Hange though, you thought you could guess perhaps what exactly was going on.

"Please don't mix food coloring with spinach juice to make the cake green like two years ago."

Erwin's laughter was pretty much evident through the other line as Hange went on blubbering about how she wasn't going to do it again giving extreme emphasis as to why she couldn't understand the reason it tasted bad in the first place but would go with what you said nevertheless. At that point Erwin was laughing hysterically, telling you how Hange was once again, indeed, thinking about it and the sound of his laughter grew even louder than Hange's words.

"Do you have food coloring?"

"Yes Hange I have food coloring."

"Plea-pleaee bring some. Dammit Erwin what's gotten into you- gotta go (y/n) see you in a while."

The beeping sound from the other line left you little to no time to properly reply to your friends with a much wanted greeting, though, you didn't think much of it. You were going to spend the whole day with them, so getting upset over not getting the chance to say goodbye over the phone wasn't something that should have caused guilt to spurt in you.

But surely, this wasn't the only cause of your overly bubbling guilt. The actual cause of the knot in your gut laid to the fact that within the time span of two weeks you had managed to to drag Levi and yourself into a rather steep rabbit hole. There was going to be a serious impact of your relationship with your friends had the two of you made it known to them; everyone would scold you -and they'd be right at that- and maybe this time they'd pick sides as to what wrong or not. And you didn't want that.

Although you secretly wished everyone went with Levi. Or at least you had come to the conclusion that that was what you deserved.

You had been feeling bothered and repulsed by what had caused you to make out with him that night, given the fact that you had been the one that initiated the kiss. And just as much, you had been feeling furious over Levi allowing this to ever happen. But looking back at it now, you couldn't say you regretted getting close to him even in such way. And that was probably the most infuriating thing of all.

Nevertheless, there was also the fact that you would be seeing Levi today and frankly you didn't know what to do with that. Should you act like everything was fine? Should you simply ignore him? Was Petra going to be with him?

Speaking of Petra it would be best if you straight up let her know of what had happened. Acting shady with another woman's man behind her back was outrageous for anyone to do and you hated being in that position like the next person.

Your stomach twisted dangerously at your spiraling thoughts, but you chose to ignore the tight knot, attributing the loud growl you had heard to one caused by your excessive hunger.

Perhaps, your shower was going to help you sort out your thoughts and intentions.

With a twist of your wrist the water started sprinting out of the tap in your shower. Your eyes were fixated on your phone, your thumb roaming through Spotify in hopes to find the perfect song to company your bath with. You simply said good for a Christmas playlist that Spotify suggested, tapping on that, a list of numerous jolly songs popped up in your screen and you simply pressed the big shuffle button before putting your head on your cabinet.

..

The walk to Erwin's house was very much and as previously expected, quiet. The sidewalks on your way were all covered in sugary white snow, decorating each different apartment complex in the non urban side of Trost along with the standard holiday decorations.

Taking a deep sigh you brought the back of your finger to the metallic button of Erwin's doorbell. Blinking rationally, you looked around at the marble front door frame of his apartment complex, your blood subtly rushing to your feet. You dragged the tip of your combat boot over the snow, curling your toes on the fuzzy material that covered the inside of the shoe.

You were beginning to become impatient as you waited on the doorframe, Erwin was taking way too long to open the door and you were practically freezing out there; the dress you wore did almost nothing to keep you warm. Despite you taking precautions by wearing a cardigan and the leather coat that you had snatched from your brother, the cold still pierced through your sheer black pantyhose, as if your efforts to stay warm were ridiculous.

The sound of footsteps was what startled you next but still your head didn't turn to the source of the buzzing noise. Your nose simply nuzzled to the scarf you had wrapped around yourself as you rubbed your face onto its warm fleece material.

"Uh, hi."

This time you could help but turn around to check who had thrown a greeting at you.

A familiar puff of ginger hair greeted you as you snuck your nose out of the edge of your scarf, two big and round hazel eyes stared right at you as you blinked rapidly back at them.

Great. Just great.

"Hey."

Petra wiggled her nostrils once to the left and then to the right, seemingly scratching the awkwardness in the atmosphere away. She blinked her eyes a few times into yours, her lips pursing together slightly as if she was coming up with a good comeback to your greeting, yet it never came.

"uhm, what's up?"

Your fingers slightly clutched the edges of your coat, crossing over your chest as you felt your jaw start clattering. Your pupils gathered at the corners of your eyes, catching small glimpses of Petra as you eyed her up and down.

She too had opted for a cardigan and a dress. A very safe choice if you were in a place to express your opinion but hers, despite being adorned with numerous tiny and dainty coral and red flowers, looked so thin and tule like and it barely covered her thighs, so much that you felt a pinch of concern run through you that you were slow to decide on whether you wanted to brush off or not.

"I'm.. good." She managed to let out, but you noticed how her lip trembled.

She was definitely shivering, if that wasn't concerning enough you didn't know what was, and she looked so frail and out of place that she could definitely beat you at it. Plus, the lack of a warm jacket struck somewhat of a nerve at you. Even feeling so much guilt over being in her presence you couldn't help but feel your motherly friend instincts wash over you; why wasn't she wearing something warmer? And why were you seconds away from taking off your jacket to offer it to her when you knew she wouldn't even accept it.

"Damn, Erwin's sure taking long, do you want my jacket?"

"Uh-"

Once again and mostly out of instinct, your finger tapped over the metallic button, covered by the edge of your sleeve. Suddenly, the familiar buzz of the intercom growled in your eardrum and you shook your head to its direction automatically.

"I'm so sorry!" Erwin said. "Come in!"

"Hey Erwin!" Petra spoke before you had a chance to say your wanted reply.

Even if you couldn't see him, you knew how shocked of an expression he was wearing.

Taking the few steps into the apartment complex's yard, you rushed to the next door and waited for the known buzz which signaled that Erwin had finally let you inside. With awkwardness spread over your face though, you pushed your lips into a thing line, holding the door back as you signaled to Petra that she should be the first to come inside.

"Thank you." She muttered.

"No prob."

You watched as Petra hesitated to push the elevator button; with a set of trembling fingers her palm rested only a few inches before the metallic button that was lit in a red arrow. With another smile you came closer to her and went to check in which floor the elevator was currently at. Whether she flinched intentionally or not, you didn't know.

"Wanna share a lift? It'll be a while till it comes down again." You offered.

"Uhm, yeah okay."

Once she responded, Petra tapped onto the elevator button with her thumb.

Petra looked at you and clung onto the edged of her cardigan once again. You took notice of how she looked a little more casual and unkept, despite being dressed on point; the lack of a jacket and her tousled naturally wavy bob betrayed an unwillingness to be present to today's event and it's was painfully obvious.

"I'd like to" Petra hesitated, "I'd like to talk to you about something."

"Oh sure, what is it about?"

"It's about Levi."

Dead silence fell as Petra didn't dare turn her gaze to your direction. The little screen over the elevator button still showed that your lift was taking long to come down as if it mocked you, but you couldn't find it in you to tap into the button once again.

"Would you like to grab some coffee with me tomorrow?"

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

To say that you were panicked would be an exaggeration and probably a degradation to Petra's feelings. Her breathing was heavier than your own, frankly because for her it must have been even more uncomfortable than it was for you. You couldn't blame her for that.

Nonetheless you couldn't help but be genuinely curious as to what she had wanted to tell you? It was evident that she knew something. What's slipped you was whether or not she want to bash you for your actions.

She had every right to do so.

"Yeah. Of course, uhh, tomorrow sounds good."

....

Christmas day wasn't as bad as you had expected it to be when Hange had announced to you that Levi would be coming alone with Petra.

For starters, the food was in plehtora; Erwin had cooked your jolly favorite roasted chicken, Mike and Nanaba had brought an enormous plate of their creamiest, most mouth watering souffle, Levi had made some god tasty pumpkin soup and Hange had taken actually good care of fixing a custom non alcoholic cocktail to each one of you.

All of this drool worthy deliciousness had caused, and non surprisingly at that, your body to submit in that peaceful demi slumber that tagged along with the fullness of your tummy. Frankly, it had been so long since you had enjoyed such a good meal and you didn't think you would be enjoying another one until Mikasa's birthday.

Thus, the cool evening sir that entered the room when Erwin opened the window door to the balcony, found you laying on the floor right next to the tangerine fire that danced in the fireplace. You could faintly feel Nanaba's hand scratch at the roots of your hair, her almond tipped nails slowly running in purringly mellow lines over your sculp that sent you to pure delight.

Levi's eyes danced over your form more than he'd like to admit so. Ever so slightly his pupils would travel up and down your thighs and calfs, examining the material of your sheer back pantyhose but whatever emotion overcame him wasn't the animalistic lust he had expected to feel.

He felt rather guilty. And not only for staring at your legs. For bringing himself upon the situation he was in.

It wasn't easy to think with a throbbing head but in Levi's world this poor condition was translated as a prompt to try to get out of whatever shithole he had found himself in. Maybe. Because there was also a certain part inside of him that bashed him to no end about his previous and degrading actions to both Petra's and his person, which part he completely and rationally justified.

With a quick glance at Petra, Levi brought his hand to his face to hopefully wipe any of the numbness his guilt had got him feeling. Petra seemed to enjoy herself as per usual. With her soft smiles and the mellow sway of her hair over her shoulder, she'd often reach for the hem of her white wooly cardigan to cover her shoulder while cooing into the soft material and onto the side of the couch she was seating in.

It would be hard for anyone to guess that the two of them had broken up.

She was unsurprisingly sitting as far off him as she could; the fact that they hadn't announced to anyone they had broken up because they didn't want the Christmas party at Erwin's to be ruined didn't mean she owned Levi to act like his faithful and bubbly dog.

It happened that night after he had stood her up at the movies.

Levi had gathered all of his determination and had managed to push all thoughts aside from the back of his brain, as he was despairate to ignore that feeling your make out session had brushed on him. He had walked up to Petra, all dissolved and stoic, his chest swelling with anxiety. He had stared at her with an agape mouth, he had been muttering words so honest that he felt were fatally brute and Petra had digested them all without any difficulty.

And before he knew it, he was over and done.

Petra hadn't cried, she hadn't wept, she had only answered him with a smile that she'd rather just be friends with him if things weren't going to work between them.

And to an extended it tortured the ravenette, mostly because he remembered the hurt look in her face before she had managed to hide it with her usual mellow smile.

Taking another sigh, Levi stared at Petra's hand while she played silently with the lettuce hem of her dress. Her hazel orbs were fixed on you, who laid before the fireplace like a stray cat on the tire of car during a snowy day. Levi couldnt exactly place the exact emotion behind Petra's expression, though it would be perceived by most as a saddened one. There were specs of regret gathering at the corners of her eyes, reluctance gathered at her slightly puckered lips and a hint of determination to the front tips of her eyebrows.

Maybe Petra's inner strength was something that Levi deeply admired.

Levi made no effort whatsoever to reach out to her to ask what was going on, not even to show some seemingly convern. The more he looked at Petra, the more it felt utterly wrong for him to simply stand next to her, knowing what he had do behind her back. Whether he loved her or not, it wasn't like him to be caught up in such stupid drama.

"Shorty!"

Levi looked up to an enthusiastic Hange with much tousled hair and a big grin on her face that spread from one ear to another. With another, more thorough glance, he quickly became aware of the cake in her hands; a cake covered in white frosting, decorated with soft pastel green letters that wrote a simple birthday wish to his person. He couldn't help but let out a sigh.

"For you!" Hange smiled further "Erwiiin, come light up the candles!"

Looking around the room he noticed how all of his friends' gazes were on him. Mike and Nanaba remained cuddled on the couch opposite to the one he was on, Petra was mellowy smiling at his eith her cherry lips pressed into a thin line and you were fiddling with what seating arrangement was most comfortable for you at the moment.

"We're celebrating another year where you went up in age and down in height, how delightful." Mike commented, causing laughter to spark between the small group of people around you.

After the spur of happiness died out your eyes met with Levi's, briefly and then they traveled anywhere else in the room altogether.

"Let's light up the candles!" Smiled Erwin as he flicked the small metallic button of his lighter.

"I don't want too many, shit. The last time you took my lungs out."

"Not our fault that you're old Levi!" You spoke, earning a half smile by the ravenette.

"Very old!" Hange agreed.

"Tch, I'm only turning twenty six shut your shitty mouths!"

The warm light of the fire licked each waxed strip of wick that hung from the candles, illuminating Hange's face in warm orange light. Once done with lighting up the candles, Erwin plopped himself in between Levi and Petra, crossing his hands over his knees as he shifted his bottom in the most uncomfortable seating on a couch you had ever witnessed.

You merely caught a glimpse of Hange kneeling before Levi as you dragged your gaze over to Petra, fixating it on her for the thousandth time this evening.

There only was one thing in your head that bounced between the crevices of your brain like crazy. Just one simple words that held so much behind it.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow you were going to apologize to Petra and try to make amends. Being the despicable toxic person you had turned into didn't suit you. Owing up to your mistakes was the first step to redemption and you weren't afraid to take it.

As you fell into a spiral of thoughts and guesses about tomorrow though, you couldn't help but subtly ignore the cheerful sing alone to Levi's birthday song.

.....

"Thank you for coming!"

Petra's hair was messily swaying all over her face, falling a direct victim to the frozen December air, yet she smiled as if nothing was going on.

The park around you was covered in snow. White was primarily the color that was plastered on everything, save for the dry stems of trees that were once covered in forest green leaves.

Your peeping hot coffee did nothing to warm up your hands, despite your best wishes and in the moment you had called victim to some specs of jealousy over Petra's gloved hands as they rubbed soothing over her own coffee.

"Of course, I had been meaning to talk to you as well."

"Oh you did?" Petra spoke with her eyebrows following the little surprise that was masking her tone. "To be honest, I didn't think you'd come."

"Yeah about that-"

"Can I please go first?" Petra cut you off.

Her huge hazel eyes that blinked into yours from your left side left you little to no space to deny her wish. Thus, by taking a sigh, you pushed past the quick beating of your heart and gestured her to go first with a kind smile on your face.

"Okay oof, thanks!" Petra huffed "look. Levi and I broke up. Now I know that you'll say it doesn't concern you, and frankly it'd be ideal if it didn't, but I know it does, because Levi explained to me what happened."

At that Petra slightly paused.

Naturallye first thing that came to your mind was the need to express an apology. Although, you weren't that sure if Petra would perceive the apology as sincere, you felt like you ought to give one to her. Yet her eyes blinked into yours further as she took another turn down the path you were walking on and you wordlessly followed asuit.

"I love Levi you know," she sighed "but Levi loves you. You're not over each other and it's painfully obvious, I mean you did just collided to eachother quite literally, not giving a single care about whether you couldn't have each other or not."

A sheer red colored tint painted your cheeks at her words.

Your skin pricked you, burning up a stingingly painful path to all of the pores on your face as shame took the form of an earth shattering wave. Your heart started heaping beats, hollering into the depths of your chest and you could hear it bounce inside your eardrums as if your whole body was hollow save for the jolting organ and the echo of the sound it made was bouncing around each fleshy wall.

Petra was right and you couldn't help but accept but stand the as she was lightning you with her words.

"It hurts to see that someone that I love doesn't love me back but it hurts more to see that you two are very miserable without eachother. I really thought you were a bitch you know."

At the sound of that, you let out a startled laugh.

"Me?"

"Yeah, you just gave us looks when we'd shoe up together somewhere or you'd simply leave, but I don't like turning my back on people and judging them like that. I'm in no place to judge anyone a coping mechanism."

Petra sighed. Her fingers curled strongly onto her cup, while her left palm went to support the cup by the bottom as she angled it on her lips. She made a tiny gulping noise as she drank a sip from her latte, her nose crinkling up as the hot beverage brushed over her sensitive tongue. In turn, you sipped similarly, mimicking Petra just hoping it would serve as a sign for her to go on with her speech.

"I might be hurt, but I vouch to help you and Levi resolve what's going on and get back together."

"You do?"

"Mhm"

"Petra I, I don't know what to say you- you're a literal angel." You admit and the guilt in your stomach only growled in its awakening.

You and Levi had hurt a wonderful person. Petra didn't need to be nice to you, she didn't need to offer to help you with anything but once you made yourself step inside her shoes you were able to see why she had perceived you the way that she initially had.

"I'm sorry."

Your voice was silent and stripped of any emotion other than shame yet Petra was beaming at you in response.

Her warm smile was elegant and comforting as she stared at you, taking another gulp of her drink with a soft giggle. Your eyes were locked with hers, saddened (e/c) irises staring into her hazel ones, as she smiled even more little by little.

It was strange.

There was a different kind of bubbling inside your chest and you knew because your heart wasn't hammering anymore, not was your stomach trying to be ripped apart in tiny pieces after it vored into your other intestines. You felt serene, at peace even.

It clicked to you that this is what must feel to be forgiven.

"It's fine, plus you guys kinda deserve each other." Petra laughed at your chocked inhale, pressing a comforting, gloved palm to your shoulder. "I'd rather find my happiness when I'm not in between two people that struggle to find theirs."

Petra nuzzled to the comfort of her jacket, giving you a scrunched up bunny smile. You knew it's not that she hoped you could be best friends after this. She simply wanted to make sure that she could do her best to help two people find happiness. And it wasn't all that bad, you figured. You didn't know what you would do were you in her place.

In a way, you admired Petra for being so strong.

"Besides, girls shouldn't bring down other girls."

"Yeah, and I'm sorry about what I did behind your back. I own up to my mistake. I can't take it back but I can promise that I won't become this toxic ever again."

You shot an apologetic side smile at her as you followed her tracks.

Taking a new look in your surroundings, you deeply inhaled the cold air, filling your lungs in shivering winter freshness. A few specs of snow were adorning Petra's hair as the fell from the sky in a dainty manner, licking the stray threads that popped from her wooly gloves.

There definitely was a commotion a few blocks away. You could hear sirens go off not so far from your spot but you chose to ignore them, it was typical for a city person to filter out unnecessary noise, and having to live in Trost added tons to what you had to filter or not.

"It's December twenty six and the two is back to being a Mayhem." Petra sighed.

"It's like we're Gotham or some shit."

"Gotham?" Petra blinked at you, earning a gasp from you.

"Step one to being the friend of someone who's majoring in comics-"

"Oh, friends yay!"

Shaking your head, to ignore the child like enthusiasm, you continued, "Please know the most well known fictional city, it's Batman's city too."

"OH!" Petra's mouth fell agape as she took in the information, but she quickly giggled again as she saw that you easily took a gulp of your beverage "you're right."

For what seemed like a second you felt at peace once again. Petra bubbled about how she wanted to apologise to Levi about her rather cold behavior last night, and explained in the most non detailed way how it was the memory of the passing of her mother that had caused her to become this grumpy.

"Don't worry Petra! But beware, you could be turning into Levi version two point oh and-"

A loud sound startled you, sending both you and Petra back a few steps. Dumbfounded, you stared at each other and around you, locking eyes with different by passers that were just as shocked as you.

"Maybe we should go back!" Petra suggested. You simply nodded, hearing a good amount of running footsteps coming to the direction of the block you were in. In any way, getting caught up with a manhunt wasn't in your plans for today

"Yeah maybe we shou-"

Your words were cut off absurdly, harshly and shockingly all together. As gunmetal orbs locked with yours, your eyelids shot open, hour mouth dropping to the snow covered concrete.

"Levi?"

Wait, Levi? That was actually so random

Before you could manage to process what was going on around you, or why on earth Levi had just popped up from the alley right across you another head splitting sound filled the air.

Levi -yes, this was indeed Levi, you just didn't really know how to process this- collapsed on his knees like a rag doll, his torso and head giving in to the exhaustion of his body. Once he fell, you stood frozen, shieldimg Petra with one hand as the two of you watched in horror while crimson started littering the sugary snow.

"Call an ambulance." You spoke dryly, eyes still wide with horror.

The people who had seemed to be after Levi quickly fell onto the hands of the hands of a handful of police men who were on their tracks, but you couldn't care to look at their faces. You just run towards Levi, always followed by a petrified Petra, your feet giving in as you kneeled right next to him, your fingers gingery ghosting over him just to inspect what was his condition.

You listened as Petra spoke with the emergency center in horror, explaining what was the scene before her eyes while struggling to keep herself from trembling.

"What's going on?" Shy muttered once she detached the phone off her ear.

"I'm pretty sure now is not the right time for a story, but Levi used to be in a street gang in his teens."

"Oh boy."

Oh boy indeed.

Here's your gentle reminder that constructive criticism makes me cry because I'm a baby

Taglist: @sasageyowrites @liddolwhynot2000 @ackermans-freedom-inc @callmepromise @nobody-knows-anymore @levisbrat25 @thethyri @hawkssnugget @berrijam @melancholicmonologue

[alittleimagine]

a helping hand pt. 12 - the end

oliver queen x reader

part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5 part 6 part 7 part 8 part 9 part 10 part 11

The goal, originally, had been to order takeout, jump in a nice warm shower, and relax while you waited on Oliver. You had managed to order takeout (far too much Chinese food just in case Oliver was hungry when he got back) and you had showered, but nothing had been relaxing.

How was a person supposed to relax when they weren’t sure if their mayor/vigilante friend wanted to kiss them? It was impossible. Clearly.

You watched the news for any sign of the Arrow and his actions, but after an hour of nothing relevant, you’d flipped it to cartoons. 

Then you paced. And paced. And paced some more. You paced until it led you to the little in-unit laundry room at the end of the hall and ended up folding the laundry you’d meant to fold two days ago. 

You’d anxiously waited for Oliver before, but it had always been primarily fueled by concern for his safety. And, while that was a factor, there were other thoughts rattling around in your head. It was a different experience all around. 

Hours had passed and sleep began to weigh heavy on your eyelids. You wrapped the blanket from the back of the couch over your arms and slumped comfortably into the cushions. 

The scrape of the window being opened woke you with a start. 

You blinked, peering over the back of the couch to see Oliver in full costume stepping into the apartment. 

It only took him a moment’s observation to realize you’d been sleeping because he immediately apologized. “I’m sorry. It’s late. We got… held up.” The voice modulator had been turned off before he’d stepped in and the voice that came out was all Oliver Queen.

You shook your head. “It’s okay. Is everyone alright?” You asked as you scooted up into a sitting position, sweeping the blankets off the couch cushion so he could sit. 

The sudden wake up had wiped the worry of potentially kissing him for the moment. Perhaps the portion of your brain that controlled anxiety hadn’t yet caught up with the rest of your mind, but all you could focus on was the roll of his shoulders when he sat beside you and leaned back.

His hood came off first, then the mask, and soon he was just all Oliver again. “Everyone’s alright, just took a while.” He said. 

Your knee pressed against his thigh when you adjusted to sit cross-legged on the couch, but neither of you moved. His hand fell into his lap, smoothing the fabric of his pants, and settled next to your knee. You tried not to look at it. 

“I should have just texted you and let you sleep.” He said with a small smile. “I’m destroying your sleep schedule.”

You waved a hand as if brushing the idea away. “Sleep schedule schleep schmedule.“ His lip quirked. “I would have been worried if you hadn’t come.” 

“Well, we can’t have that.”

You tried not to smile. “No, we can’t. So you just have to be extra careful and check in often so I don’t start going gray.”

His look was equal parts amused and serious when he nodded. “I can do that.”

You hadn’t meant to look down at his lips, but the smile he was trying to keep under control was so distracting. And just like that, the events of last night came rushing to the forefront of your mind.

Before you could stop yourself the words were spilling out. “Were you going to kiss me last night?”

As soon as you’d spoken your eyes went wide and you could feel the heat of a flush rushing to your face. If the cushions of your couch could have opened up beneath you and swallowed you whole right then and there you would have thanked it. 

He looked as surprised at your outburst as you felt.

How could you take this back? How could you grab those words out of the air and shove them back in your big dumb mouth?

Surely he knew some meta from Central City who could travel back in time and stop you before your brain decided to just give up on you and betray you in such a heinous manner. 

“Yes.”

The look of panic on your face morphed to sheer dumbfoundedness. “What.”

You’d meant it as a question, but the inflection just wasn’t there. Your brain wasn’t processing right, you were sure of that. 

Oliver licked his lips (if your eyes immediately focused on them that was totally out of your control) and shifted, just slightly, to face you more directly. “I was going to kiss you last night. Before we were called away.”

“Oh.” Your voice came out higher pitched than you meant it to.

A beat passed. The warm, fluttery feeling in your stomach didn’t seem to be going anywhere and you were sure it was stopping your brain from working how it was supposed to. 

“Is that alright?”

Oliver- vigilante by night mayor by day Oliver Queen looked almost nervous. 

It snapped you out of your daze. “Yes!” Too eager, too eager. You closed your eyes and tried not to embarrass yourself any further. After a breath, you looked at him again, heart thundering in your ears at the smile on his face. “Yes. Yeah. It’s okay. Totally okay.”

Oliver ducked his head for just a moment and you knew he was trying to hide his smile, but it was too late. It was burned into your brain. 

The hand on his thigh reached out for yours, the gloves warm against your skin. His voice was low, almost a whisper when he spoke. “Come here.”

Oliver met you halfway as you leaned forward to kneel beside him. You were sure he could feel your pulse jumping wildly in your neck when his fingers threaded through your hair. 

He was only a breath away and you realized he was waiting for you, giving you the chance to change your mind. You closed the distance. 

His lips were softer than you’d imagined. For a moment the kiss was nothing more than a gentle press, then his mouth slanted over yours and you were lost. Oliver’s free hand moved to your waist, pulling you close, and you took the opportunity to wrap your arms around his neck. 

When you ran your fingers through the short hair at the base of his neck he smiled against your lips.

It was Oliver who pulled away. Your lips trailed after his and the smile on his face when you opened your eyes left you feeling light and warm.

Somehow you’d ended up sat on his lap though you were sure you’d been kneeling on the couch only a moment ago. You felt his hand flex at your waist. 

You wanted desperately to kiss him again. So you did. 

He let you pull him close easily for just a few seconds before he pulled back again. 

The look on your face, frustrated as it must have been, seemed to amuse him because he struggled to bite back a smile. When he tugged you back to him it wasn’t for another kiss, but rather to press his forehead against yours. 

Oliver sighed. 

“This isn’t easy.” He said after a moment. 

Your brows knitted together. Perhaps your mind was still kiss-addled, but you had no idea what he meant. “Kissing me isn’t easy?”

The chuckle he gave seemed to catch him by surprise more than you. “No. Kissing you is very easy.” You tried not to smile too wide. “Kissing me is what’s difficult. Being with me is what’s difficult, Y/N.”

Now you understood why he kept pulling back. 

He continued. “There’s always something. There’s always someone who wants me dead. And when I’m not running around at night I’m still the mayor. It’s… a lot. I understand if it’s not-”

Your kiss cut him short. Your hands pressed to his cheeks to keep him steady against you for just a moment. This time you were the one to pull back, his lips chasing after you. 

“I know. I do. I understand. I don’t care.” You needed him to understand this. To know you were going into this with eyes wide open and it didn’t matter. “You’re worth it.”

He swallowed hard and your eyes trailed the bob of his adam’s apple. His mouth moved as though he meant to say something and you shook your head. 

“Please,” you said, “don’t try to talk me out of kissing you. If you don’t want to kiss me that’s one thing.” He looked ready to protest. “But please don’t do the self-sacrifice thing. Please let me make my own decisions.”

His eyes scanned your face- looking for what you didn’t know, but he seemed to find it because he was pulling you in again. 

You held him tight, pressing yourself as close as your positions would allow. A vague part of mind wondered if the flutter in your stomach would ever fade. You had a hard time believing it would when Oliver’s tongue pressed against yours the way it did. 

This time when he pulled back he trailed gentle kisses along your jaw. “I should go.” He muttered between kisses. “Let you sleep.”

“Sleep is for the weak.” You said, moving your head to give him better access. Your fingers raked through his short hair. “I have zero intention of ever sleeping again.”

You felt his laugh rather than hear it. He tucked his face into the crook of your neck and laughed to himself.  “What am I going to do with you?” He muttered.

Kisses, you decided, were amazing, but nothing felt better than making him laugh. “I mean, I thought it was pretty clear I wanted you to kiss me.”

He was still smiling when he pulled back to look at you. “I guess I can do that.”

[satendou]

𝕜𝕚𝕟𝕜𝕥𝕠𝕓𝕖𝕣 𝕕𝕒𝕪 𝟚9: 𝕜𝕟𝕠𝕥𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕘

⇀ semi eita

you realized your heat was coming on about halfway through your class. semi had already warned you about it a few days prior-- as if you didn’t keep as much track of it as you could yourself. he always got more anxious and protective of you whenever he started to sense it, making you promise everyday to call him if it hit like you wouldn’t anyway.

only he didn’t answer any of your calls and your stomach clenched from anxiety and pain. eyes were starting to turn to you as you shoved past other students, your scent beginning to permeate the air around you. you skipped the rest of your lectures to get back to the safety of your apartment. 

a toy would just have to do, surrounded by the scent of your alpha, until he came home.

--

semi was frantic as he bounded up the stairs to the apartment. he already knew what was going on, but the 6 missed calls you left on his phone and the 10 that went unanswered when he tried to call you back still stirred fear in his gut. your friend had said you left school midway through the day, but no one knew if you had made it home afterwards.

flashes, images of you being taken by another alpha who didn’t respect another’s claim, seared his mind’s eye and he slammed the apartment door open. the knob caught on the backstop and bounced back on him, the loud crack ringing through the silent apartment.

no, not silent.

small, pitiful noises drifted through the living room, the sweet smell of your heat overtaking his senses, tinged with desperation and anxiety.

“alpha.”

your whiny voice, high pitched with need and touch of pain drew him down the hall, the door bouncing off the wall like the front door had and he growled deep in his throat at the sight before him.

“oh fuck,” he snarled, eyes roving over the toy buried deep inside you, legs spread as wide as they could go and you staring up at him with pupils blown wide. your lips were turned down in a frown, tears leaking down your cheeks and he wasted no time shedding his clothes before crawling between your legs. “sorry, princess, i was recording. you cum yet?”

he punctuated his question by pulling the toy out and sliding it back into you, eliciting a whine and a headshake from you.

“n-no, couldn’t c-cum,” you cried, tangling your fingers in your hair and tugging. fresh waves of slick were seeping into the sheets underneath you now that the fresh smell of your alpha surrounded you, and semi groaned again.

“good girl, my good little omega,” he purred, tossing the dirty toy over his shoulder. it hit the floor behind him with a thump, but it was overpowered by the sound of you moaning as he sunk two fingers into your slick heat. “gonna reward you for being so good for me. that toy can’t do anything for you, can it? not like your alpha can.”

you were lost to the pleasure, the movement of his fingers filling the room with slick squelches and the sound of your babbling praise.

“n-no, alpha, only y-you can-- m-make me feel this good,” you whined, rolling your hips up to meet his thrusts. “please, want-- want you to b-breed me, alpha.”

semi couldn’t help but moan. even when you were deep into your heat you still knew exactly how to push his buttons. pulling his fingers from you, he hoisted your legs over his hips. lining his cock up, he ran the tip all through your folds, smearing your creamy slick all over it. “how could i say no to you, pretty girl,” he whispered, and sheathed himself inside you with one roll of his hips.

your lips parted in an in ‘o’, back bowing off the bed as his hips met yours, toes curling against his back and nails digging into your scalp. a mantra of his title spilled from your lips, a prayer and a plea for more all in one as he set a brutal pace. his scent permeated everything around you, blinding you to everything but him and the way his cock felt splitting you open. there was nothing like it, in your lust addled opinion, and you told him as much in a broken slur. 

it elicited a chuckle from him as he folded your legs up to your chest, grinding his cock deep into you to hear you squeal. drool spilled down your cheeks like the tears did down your temples, eyes fluttering and unfocused though they remained locked on his. 

“so pretty, omega. so tight, so wet for your alpha,” he growled, punctuating each word with a thrust that caused you to see stars. pulling out of you, he flipped you over onto your stomach, ignoring your babbling whines. Manhandling you onto your hands and knees, he cut across you, sheathing himself inside you again as he said, “gonna give you my knot, pretty girl. fill you with my pups, how does that sound?”

“pleasepleaseplease,” you slurred, nails digging into the pillow beneath you as he slammed into you. you could feel the start of his knot, swelling and catching every time he pulled out of you, grazing across the sweet spot inside you that had you seeing stars. “alpha.”

the guttural moan of his title made him throb, and his hand traveled down to stroke your clit. his fingers were rough, callused from years of playing the bass, providing a startling friction to the sensitive bud. you clenched around him so tight he locked inside you for a moment. 

“pretty girl,” he moaned, hilting inside you and this time there was no pulling out. 

your toes curled when you realized, the knot grinding into the sweet spot on the front wall of your cunt and you jerked as you came around him. his fingers never stopped moving, twiddling your clit as you pulsed around him, lips parted in loud cries of his name and title.

knotting you was always a euphoric experience for him and this time was no different, walls clamping tight on his cock and forcing him over the edge with you. he collapsed overtop of you, laving at the long healed mark on your scent gland, feeling you shudder underneath him. your breathing was erratic, eyelids fluttering as you struggled to keep them open, and he pushed some of the hair off of your face. 

“eita,” you whispered, and he could tell the heat fog had lifted for the moment. you sounded tired, on the verge of falling asleep as he maneuvered you to lay on your side, careful not to tug at the knot plugging you up. “think i’ll take this time?”

he chuckled at that, running his fingers tips over your cheek and down your neck, over your shoulder. “maybe. if not, we have days to try, princess.”

you seemed to tremble at that, seeking out his hands and lacing your fingers between his. tucking your joined hands beneath your chin, you hummed in contentment, letting the disjointed flickering images take over behind your eyelids a moment later. 

he joined you in sleep, knowing it would be only a few hours before you woke up aching and needy again, and he needed all the rest he could get.

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[vanmccannonlyfans]

Cocoon

part i.

But in hell, there was relief in the utter helplessness. Here, your actions had both consequences for yourself, and others. You weren’t sure which was worse.

“How do you have so many of these?!”

Alicia had 10s of boxes of tests in her suitcase, as if they were hotel shampoo bottles or restaurant breath mints. The pink floral branding stuck out against the sea of black leather and denim that comprised her wardrobe.

“Get em in bulk on amazon, cheaper that way and saves me a trip to the store.” As if bulk buying pregnancy tests was as casual as ordering toothpaste or tampons.

You moved to the bathroom to take the test, stepping over used towels strewn across the floor. You were glad you were doing this in a place so impersonal, however uncomfortable. Whatever the outcome, good or bad, you would be able to leave without any memories tainting the space, never to return and have to relive the feeling. If this was your bathroom at home, you’d be reminded every time you had to go.

Alicia camped in front of the mirror, smacking her lips together after every layer of strawberry gloss, the wand alternating between tracing her plump lips and pumping the tube for more product. Leaning against the fake granite hotel counter, she fussed with her raven black bangs and adjusted her top.

“Is it ready yet?” She asked, without averting her eyes from their own contact, her lips now more reflective than the mirror.

“I can’t look..” The room was twisting more than your stomach as you picked up the test, double vision making it impossible to count the number of lines.

Was there just one? Two? How dark does the second one have to be?

“Does this look positive to you?”

Alicia cocked her head at the test, brow furrowed.

“The second line is faint...but it’s there.”

“Fuck,” You exhaled as you fell against the wall, exasperated.

“Didn’t you always want to be parents?”

“Well yes, but...not so soon. We don’t even have a place to live...”

Life on the road was hollow and lonely, even with your best friends. Playing shows every night to strangers who saw you as enigmas, then returning to cold hotel rooms to sleep until the having to get back on the bus or plane for the next event, repeat ad infinitum until you had crossed off a laundry list of places you had stepped foot in but not actually experienced. It all seemed so fun and exciting until you realized that you didn’t know anyone anywhere and were too tired to do things even on days off, and ended up just sleeping the day away and ordering in pizza. It wasn’t a viable situation for raising a child, and hardly sustainable for an otherwise healthy adult.

-

You laid on the scratchy quilted comforter, each tick of the clock intensifying your anxiety, like a bomb about to detonate. Every second brought you closer to confronting a situation that felt neither fully real nor fantasy. Like your whole world depended on what he would think.

The beep of the key card brought you back down to earth from the peaks of your existential dread. You couldn’t wait to be held, comforted, told it was going to be alright, even if neither of you had any idea what to do. His touch was a balm to your aching soul, one that no antidepressant could rival.

Van entered without a word.

“Baby?” You called to him, as if he couldn’t see you.

He remained silent, dropping his guitar case on the ground. After what felt like eons, he looked up toward the window behind you, as if you were invisible.

“I think you should go.” His eyes were sallow, skin dehydrated from all the smokes and shitty fast food and beers every night.

“What?” The single word came out like a croak, your voice evading you. First you couldn’t be seen, now you could hardly be heard, as if you were dissolving from material reality. As if only his acknowledgement made you real. “Van--”

“No,” He cut you off, wiping his nose with the back of his hand, the other on his hip, swiveling him towards the wall. His adams apple rose and fell without a word, bobbing like a buoy on a choppy sea.

“I don’t want to fight about this. I just want you to leave.” He looked down, running a hand through his hair before tucking it under his armpit as if he were chilled.

You were in disbelief. The same man who had invited you to accompany him across the world was discarding you as easily as you had tossed the test that said you were carrying his child into the bin.

“But Van--”

“JUST GO!” He belted, shaking the room with his volume. You had never heard him yell like that, hardly had ever seen him genuinely angry.

You struggled to catch your breath, hot tears erupting from your eyes.

“--I’m pregnant.”

There was a loud crack as Van’s phone hit the wall, leaving a mark.

“STOP LYING!” He thundered, grabbing your shoulders.

He was finally looking into your eyes. His were red and glassy and you could smell the last cigarette on his skin, so much so that you found yourself on the floor throwing up, then running to your suitcase like a wounded animal, then in the brass elevator, then out the lobby and into the street. You weren’t sure where you were going or how you would get there, just that you wanted to be gone.

When your legs finally collapsed from exhaustion, you found yourself out of breath in front of a bodega, simultaneously sweating and shivering from the physical and emotional trauma. You went in to buy a bottle of water and drank it in greedy gulps while scrolling on your phone to take your mind off of your predicament. At the top of your inbox was a flight confirmation, forwarded from the band’s manager. It was a plane ticket back home.

-

The sterile, unfriendly design of airports had always thrilled you. They were an exciting gateway to a new place in the wide world you hadn’t explored much of. You had never even been on a plane before Van had toured outside of the UK. The complete lack of rules and disregard for conventional social norms enchanted you; how strange a place to have bars open at 6am next to designer shops and restaurants more expensive than you had ever eaten in. Van would order bailey’s in your coffee while he had a morning beer, before sneaking tipsy kisses in cheap seats at 42,000 feet.

Now the airport felt like a portal to hell, sucking you back to the place you had escaped from.

You hadn’t told anyone you were coming home, or that you had broken up, or...anything. You hadn’t spoken a word to anyone besides the cab driver who asked which terminal to drop you off at. You weren’t sure who you would tell first, what you would say. If you opened your mouth, nothing would come out. Except maybe some incoherent stuttering and word salad, which fit how you felt inside--both numb and acerbic, cold to the touch but teeming with a pain so primal and acrid it could kill a horse. The water in your stomach felt like it was curdling, and you hoped you could make it through the flight without throwing up.

-

The cab dropped you off on the corner of your parent’s property where the guest house loomed, hardly visible through the gloaming. You fumbled with the key, hoping it hadn’t been changed since the last time. The door rattled open to dusty furniture and soupy air; musty and untouched as if it had been abandoned. You and Van used to sneak in here in for quickies and hold clandestine parties, lighting candles instead of turning on lights to not tip off your parents that you were present. The stain from when someone dropped a bottle of whiskey still marred the floorboards, and you wondered if anyone had been in here since you left.

You had hardly surveilled the place before the door snapped open behind you.

“Fuck, you scared me!” It was your brother, shaking the dew from his trainers. “Why are you back? I thought you would be gone until next year, at least.” You sucked in the thick air, scanning the room for alibis. Stretching the last few moments before you had the acknowledge that you now walked the earth all by yourself.

“Oh, you know. Just felt homesick.”

Your brother respected your lie, letting it dissipate in the stale air like the smoke from a snuffed wick.

“I never liked him, anyway”

-

Your parents were happy, albeit a bit startled, to see you. They had converted your room to an office and all of your old things from high school, like notes from Van and old chemistry notebooks, were collecting dust in the attic. It was good to have the guest house to yourself, to be miserable in peace without the lingering tension of having to acknowledge the reason for your return, or to have anyone ask why you were throwing up so much and sleeping for 14 hours at a time.

Your dreams were so deep and lifelike that you had trouble discerning reality from fiction in your own memory; your nightmares even worse. Once you dreamt that Van had come into the guest house bedroom with a cup of tea asking how you’d slept, how his baby was doing. When your eyes had burst open, you were cold and alone. Anguish gripped your stomach, forcing it’s contents up your throat then down onto the floor.

Other times the dreams were of him fucking you.  Most nights it was just replays of your breakup, repeating every time you fell back asleep after being jerked awake from the sheer horror of that moment, worse than any organic monster ridden nightmare you had ever had. Each iteration more fresh than the last, as if someone was rewinding it over and over again on a cassette tape, starting at a high pitched blur then ending only when you could feel his hot breath ghost across your face.

Some days you woke up so paralyzed by your grief you wondered if you were in hell. Each moment was unbearably painful and eternal, the mere act of breathing felt sisyphean. But in hell, there was relief in the utter helplessness. Here, your actions had both consequences for yourself, and others. You weren’t sure which was worse.

-

The clinic was on the outskirts of town, far enough away you weren’t likely to run into anyone unless they were there for the same reason. The ultrasound tech didn’t make eye contact a single time, snapping her gum as she dispensed the chilly ultrasound gel in a single deft shake.

Your chest tightened when you heard the heartbeat for the first time, eyes prickling with tears. The rhythmic thump, thump, thump ticking through the monitor flooded your heart with a profound sense of relief.

Finally, something that was yours.

-

Tour stretched on, every night sold out. Press junkets, radio shows, interviews, and photoshoots were plastered all over social media, news papers, television, even the bus station adverts and shop bathroom posters. You quickly learned not to check your phone outside of calls and avoided the media. It was easy when you hardly had the energy to lift your head in the first place. Isolation was easier than breathing, and a lot less painful.

You had learned the hard way when you had tried reading the paper each day. You could leaf through mindlessly, until page 6 which always featured a half page spread of Van and a nameless girl, all uniquely the same. They always took similar form, as if made in a factory by formula: tight jeans and low cut blouses, cakefaced and bottle blonde; each one skinner, prettier, and younger than the last. Some looked like they had school the next day. You stopped reading the paper.

-

When you told your family you were pregnant, your mother cried--whether out of shock or happiness, you weren’t sure. Your brother punched a hole in the wall, then went outside to smoke. Your father just sighed--a long, deep sigh that validated his disappointment in your circumstances and choices.  His reaction was the most heartbreaking.

Unlike your mother’s reaction, you knew unequivocally that his was one of disappointment.  You were supposed to go to uni, maybe Oxbridge or a fancy American school or even elsewhere in Europe where you could learn a new language and lounge on picnic blankets in the sun with a bottle of wine and fancy cheese while mulling over your Literature seminar readings. You were supposed to be interesting and clever and successful and far away from here. Instead you were back where you had started, some wash up’s discards, nothing to show for it except a new dependent on your taxes.

Your brother followed you back to the guest house, determined to argue as ever. He was a man of few words until he was upset, and then every word cut like broken glass.

“Are you sure you want to keep it? It isn’t too late for you to finish up and go to uni.”

You had almost forgotten that you basically dropped out to follow Van on tour.

You had told your family that it would just be a couple stops, then you never came home. Until now.

-

One day your mother phoned in a rage after receiving a letter from the school that you had been expelled on the grounds of truancy. You remembered you told her you were turning in your work remotely—an obvious, bold faced lie.

Your relationship with Van had changed you from a studious rule follower to a fool, lucky in love, dropping out of high school to accompany someone else building their dream. Loving Van was like climbing a tree, higher and higher with no thought of how you would get down. But now you were flat on your ass, with another between your legs.

Your personality change had sparked concern in your friends in family, allegeding that you were “not that type of girl” to abandon everything for a man.

“I’m not really sure what type of girl I am,” was your only response.

After all,how could you know who you were meant to be when you were so young? Being with Van, being Van’s, was fun and exciting in a way you had never experienced. You’d never really dated, and didn’t have a lot of friends outside your brother’s friends, which was how you met Van. He was always nearby, goofing around and causing trouble.

Your earliest memories of Van were of riding bikes through town, collapsing in the cool grass when your legs turned to jelly and you could hardly peddle anymore. Van would blow dandelion seeds in your face while you giggled and rolled away from him. All of the hours spent under the gushing lemony sunshine ended in grass stained knees and freckled cheeks that lingered long after the popsicle drippings had been washed from your fingers.

That was the beginning--the familiarity; the quintessential bedrock of love that matures as you do, which each outgrown shoe and lost tooth. The type of childlike innocence entwined with companionship that warms your stomach just to think of, having had such a pure memory to call your own; an endless syrupy summer’s day that no one can take away from you.

-

As you grew and changed from girls and boys to women and men, your love morphed right along with it. There were many long stretches of time you hadn’t seen him at all, either from busyness with school or a row with your brother. But whenever you saw him again, that warmth returned right back to you, starting in your stomach and burning up to your sternum, bright and effervescent.

Your relationship mutated from platonic to romantic one night at a house party. Alcohol was still a novelty to you and two bottles of beer was your limit. You and Van were sitting together on a couch, the dim room filled with your other friends, illuminated only by fairy lights and the occasional flicker of a lighter. Van was telling ridiculous stories all while gesticulating wildly, each one making you laugh harder than the last. The combination of the alcohol and throwing your head back with laughter so many times had made you feel like you were on a rollercoaster, vertiginous and bubbly.

As if you hadn’t had enough, you got up to get another drink and fell back down onto the couch--except you missed your original spot by several inches and landed squarely on Van’s lap. You laughed out loud at your clumsiness. If you were sober you would have been so embarrassed! But your lowered inhibitions helped you see the humor in the situation. The room was aglow and the world was still big; the energy of youth electrifying the room.

Van instinctively placed a hand on the small of your back to steady you, and quickly jerked it up towards your shoulders as to not make you feel uncomfortable. A twinge of excitement seared in your stomach. You had never really touched before, and this felt nice in the most unexpected of ways--as if you had found something you didn’t know you were looking for.

You studied Van’s face, having never been so close to it. The perfect slope of his nose, the confetti of reddish freckles across high cheekbones, the pink pillowy lips that outfitted his wide mouth.

He must have been staring at your lips, too, because they clashed together as if drawn by magnet. There was no saying who kissed who as your heads met, puckering together needily. You wrapped your hand arms around him, leaning into his warm body so that your heads were resting on the couch, lips married together. His mouth tasted sweet like fairy floss, the room spinning like a carousel. You weren’t sure how long you made out for, but it felt like you were alone in the room full of people, coiled in the sweetest embrace that made time stand still. When you finally came up for air Van was grinning like he knew something you didn’t, gingerly tucking your hair behind your ear.

“I hope your brother didn’t see that,” he joked, making you blush.

You didn’t remember much of how the rest of the night went or how you ended up in your own bed the next morning, but the mere thought of having kissed Van so publicly both thrilled and mortified you. Surely people would talk--or were they all too drunk to notice? Did this mean he fancied you, or was it alcohol fueled happenstance?

At school the next week you heard his voice echoing in the halls, and turned to see him hanging on another girl while fraternizing with a group students the same year as Van and your brother. He tickled and teased her before hugging her from behind, then kissing her cheek with fervor. White hot shame flared inside you, ruddying your cheeks. You hurried home in a daze, scolding yourself for being so naive. He was a flirt and you were a fucking idiot for allowing yourself to be involved with someone like that--your brother’s friend, no less.

But the next weekend the same booze soaked gathering reoccurred, this time with more warm bodies packed into a smaller room. You sipped from a can while exchanging small talk with a girl from your chemistry class, wondering if you should leave or have another drink. Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed Van had arrived with the same girl from earlier, making a scene as he greeted his friends.

You decided to have another drink.

Cracking open a fresh can, you turned away hoping Van wouldn’t notice you. You smiled and nodded while your classmate blathered on, not registering a single word she said, unable to concentrate on anything other the imaginary tension in your head. The slick condensation beading on the aluminum can was your only anchor to reality as your body flushed from the discomfiture as much as the humidity. Though you hated to admit it, you wanted to be the girl next to him. Instead you slurped more beer, hoping to reach a level of inebriation where someone else started looking better.

Eventually the heat of the room became too suffocating to bear, and you excused yourself for a smoke. The noise of the party was barely a low thrum from the cement patio, despite being eight feet away. You sat on the very edge of the pavement, stretching your legs out into the dewy grass. The damp chill grounded you, your heart rate descending as you exhaled into the ether. The stars scrambled against the inky sky, floating in and out of focus as your nerves melted away with each crisp breeze. You were more drunk than you thought, but it felt nice out here where you weren’t being choked by calefaction and confronted with Van with the other girl.

The first drag of your cigarette was interrupted by a body shuffling next to yours, thumping down beside you on the cement.

“What’s a pretty girl like you doing out here by yourself?” It was Van.

You scanned over the back of your shoulder to see if the girl was around you. She was not.

“I’m alright,” you sighed, tapping the ash from your cigarette onto the curb.

Van wrapped his arms around his crossed legs, shaking his hair out. From under his fringe, his eyes searching your face for clues to decode your expression.

You exhaled the smoke so at least there would be something between you to shield you from his intent gaze. The chirp of crickets in the distance filled the silence. Snuffing the butt out on the cement, you got up to leave without a word. Van grabbed your hand, stopping you in your tracks.

His expression nearly broke you, wide eyes begging for an explanation, confused as it was hurt. Letting out a deep sigh, you weighed your options: stay with him and exchange meaningless platitudes or leave. Leaving seemed like the better choice.

“I’m going home.”

Van sprang up. “You shouldn’t go alone this time of night after drinking. I’ll walk you home.”

Secretly, you loved the initiative he was taking. He wasn’t asking, he was announcing. This type of attention and caretaking were foreign to you, even as the kid sister and tagalong. No one ever fussed over you. Even though Van was known for being sweet to everyone, you were pleased as punch he was fussing over you.

Dark was the night as you trudged home, guided only by the flaxen incandescence of streetlamps and drunken intuition. For a long time neither of you spoke, reveling in the quietude of the sleepy town in the dead of night.

Van broke the silence. “So how’ve you been?”

“Same as it ever was,” you sighed, still uncomfortable with the hidden motive of his small talk. “Is your girlfriend gonna be upset that you’re walking me home?” Van laughed to himself, even though it wasn’t a joke. “She’s not my girlfriend.”

Only partially did those words alleviate the tension that had been badgering you all night. The alcohol poisoning your bloodstream was making you bold.

“So you just kiss all your friends like that,” You kicked a bottle down the road. Van’s head jerked up, turning towards you.

“Let me kiss you not as a friend then.” You stopped dead in your tracks. Of course he could be bolder than you. For the second time that night, you looked into his eyes and saw he was serious. You could feel yourself freezing in place like a deer in the headlights, but your bodies were being pulled together as if magnetized. Van grabbed your face as your lips married; exchanging greedy, hungry kisses. His arm migrated around your lower back, pulling you into him, subsuming your bodies as one. You kissed as if you couldn’t breath without the other’s air, desperate and smacking.

Even when your lips finally parted, your figures remained cocooned together. Your noses brushed at the tip, studying each other’s faces. Never had you seen Van so still and ruminative before. He brushed his thumb across your cheek before imparting a final kiss.

“How’s that for not friends?”

-

Soon Van was coming to your house to see you more than your brother and their friends. He would meet you in the hallway to exchange forbidden kisses, risking demerits and suspensions. Now instead of lurking on the outskirts at parties you were right next to him, the center of attention, with his arm wrapped around you.

You could tell your brother wasn’t comfortable with your arrangement, but he never said anything discouraging. You had never smiled so much in your life, and people sometimes didn’t recognize you next to him. You drank more and wore less. School began to feel like a prison, entrapping you 8 hours a day when you’d rather spend time with your sweetheart. Even in subjects you loved, you couldn’t focus. You tried to study while the band practiced, but you’d always get distracted by how cute Van was and his never ending questions about their creative direction. You started helping manage their shows, calling venues and arranging transport and making sure every piece was in its place.

Soon you were helping out so much that you were hardly home and rarely saw your other friends. As the band became more successful, you would occasionally skip school to accompany them to far off gigs and events, reveling both in the rebelliousness of playing hooky and the sheer delight of watching your favorite person achieve their dreams.

-

One of your favorite teachers had warned you against following Van, confronting you during office hours when you had dropped in to ask about an assignment.  There was genuine concern in his expression, as if you were his own child that was making a stupid mistake.

“I shouldn’t be saying any of this, but you really should rethink your decision to leave. You could go to a great school and study whatever you wanted. You’re brilliant and clever and could charm the most stoic of souls. There are plenty of people in the world like Ryan, who will want to harness your energy to use for themselves. Don’t let them.”

You had thought he was just jealous, or perhaps had a tiny crush on you. You smiled at your past naivety. He was right. Your brother agreed.

“He picked you because you were hardworking and clever and too sweet to realize he was taking advantage of you! You were the best girl at that school and he fucking knew it. None of the girls like Alice or Nia would have lasted longer than a second with him! They would have crumbled from not being the center of attention, nor do they have a brain cell to show for it. He wanted someone to support him and do all of the hard work while he took credit for all of the glory. I mean, he didn’t even arrange you as a manager or assistant like Larry so you could get paid by the touring company!”

You hated when your brother was right, because it was a gut punch every time. He was a man of few words, but those choice words stung.  You had organized much of the band’s earlier endeavors, like communication with agents and venues and examining contracts for faulty clauses and loopholes. The band was hardworking and talented, but still too hungry for success to make good judgements on their offerings. Without you, they surely would have fallen prey to a lecherous label under a contract that would have destroyed them.

“I know it wasn’t malicious, because he can’t pull his head out of his ass to think about anyone else. He surely knows you could achieve more without him, the thought just never occurred to him because it’s his world and the rest of us just live in it. And now you’re having his child in the town he abandoned while he’s living out his rockstar fantasies. Did he ever even call you to make sure you made it home, and the plane didn’t fucking explode with his unborn child on it? Does he even fucking know your pregnant? Does he even care?”

You turned away so that your brother wouldn’t see the hot tears in springing from your eyes.

“You can go now,” you mewed, hoping he would take the hint.

“If he sets foot in this town again, I’m going to fucking kill him.”

It was a promise.

-

[lightsinthedistancee]

Failure, Fear, and Pain : Poe Dameron x Reader

Pairing: Poe Dameron x Reader

Word Count: 1k

Summary: “Each rumble of thunder was an explosion in which he lost his pilots. Each lightning strike was a flash grenade that he was not able to recover from fast enough to save his friends. Each of the both were a reminder of his failure, fear, and pain.”

Reader helps Poe through a panic attack triggered by a storm.

Warnings: Mentions of PTSD/psychological trauma

A/N: This is my first fanfic/post on Tumblr. I’m on AO3 (lightsinthedistance) and have been considering expanding my work onto here, especially since there are so many great writers. I’m about 90% sure of what I’m doing xD. Hope you enjoy!

Also, although this is written in 3rd person, the main character never gets a name or much of a distinct personality put to her, so I figured this fits the title of Reader more than Original Character.

Damage. It was a remarkably prevalent thing. Especially in war. Emotional damage, physical damage, and above all, psychological damage. Every soldier had something. She knew her own. Fireworks. Always fireworks. They sounded like blaster shots to her, pumping her full of fear and adrenaline. Made her shake like a blade of grass in a dying wind.

She remembered the night her and Poe had spent on Coruscant during the yearly festival. The sky had exploded with red, blue, yellow, green sparks, signifying a free, liberated galaxy. It’d felt like anything but for her. She’d curled up in the desk chair she was sitting in and refused to leave, no matter how much Poe pleaded with her, and she’d spent that night clinging to him with a terrified insistence.

Poe had his own triggers too. For him, it was storms. In his head, the rumbles of the thunder were explosions, and the strikes of lightning were flash grenades. She recalled the first time she’d been with him during a storm with an acute vividness. The moment the first hit of lightning and thunder had struck, he’d pushed her to the ground and thrown himself on top of her, shielding her from a nonexistent threat with his own body.  

He’d been embarrassed beyond belief, and she’d assured him that it was nothing to be ashamed of. It was a night filled with tears and soft touches between the both of them, revealing their past to the other, revealing what kept them up at night.

And tonight was when that fear came to haunt him.

Loud cracks of thunder and flashes of lightning woke her in the middle of the night. It’d been a light rain when she’d fallen prey to sleep, but the sky had grown angry, weeping upon the soil, lashing out in rage with electricity and sound. It inadvertently lashed out at Poe too.

When she cracked her eyes open, he was sitting on the edge of the bed, his shirt off like usual, a thin sheen of a nervous sweat on his skin. His hands were over his ears, his head bent down to the ground, as if trying to deprive himself of as much sensory input as he could.

He rocked back and forth ever so slightly, softly muttering something under his breath. She frowned, sitting up and lightly placing a hand on his shoulder, something he jumped at.

“Sorry,” he said quietly. His eyes were red. “Did I wake you?”

She shook her head, a knot in her chest at the sight of the state he was in. Wordlessly, she grasped his arm, pulling him back down beside her, gently wrapping her arms around him.

She herself jumped as another crack of lighting and bolt of thunder struck. There was no denying that the resemblance between the sound of the latter and an explosion was uncanny, and there was no denying that it bothered her too. Just not as much as it did him.

He shook in her arms, his head buried in the crook of her neck, perhaps in a desperate attempt to block out any light from the lightning. “How long have you been up?” she whispered.

He sighed. “I don’t know. Half an hour?”

Her eyes widened. “Why didn’t you wake me, love?”

He finally looked at her, a stressed look etched into his features. “You need your sleep.”

She left it at that, knowing that he would not budge at any argument in protest. She only held him, murmuring sweet nothings into his ear, running her hands through his curls.

The storm only swelled as the minutes passed, the instances of thunder and lightning growing more and more frequent. With it, came his own rise in anxiety. Each rumble of thunder was an explosion in which he lost his pilots. Each lightning strike was a flash grenade that he was not able to recover from fast enough to save his friends. Each of the both were a reminder of failure, fear, and pain.

Before he knew it, he was having a full-blown panic attack, his breath coming in short gasps, struggling to obtain air. He vaguely felt her forcing him to sit up, felt her hand on his stomach, heard her soft murmurs telling him to breath.

He didn’t know how long it went on, how long he was stuck in the space between the past and the present, reliving his darkest memories in his mind. It could’ve been seconds, it could’ve been minutes, it could’ve been hours.

“Baby, listen to my voice.” He didn’t know what changed, but something finally broke through his dark headspace, barely permeating his mind. He didn’t interpret it as words, only as a familiar sound, one that made him feel safe. “Concentrate on it and breathe,” she said softly, pressing her forehead to his, feeling his warm breath on her skin. “Can you do that for me, love?”

He nodded slightly, forcing himself to focus on the sound. Nothing else. No memories, no thoughts of loss, no war. Just her. Only her.

“You’re not there,” she promised, her fingers interlaced with his. “You’re here…you’re safe…with me.”

Like all things, his panic began to subside. The room returned around him. The gentle glow of the lamp she’d turned on reached him. Her voice and the soft feel of her touch anchored him to reality.

The storm stopped as quickly as it came, and she stood, pouring him a glass of water and pressing it into his hands. He drank it in four big gulps. “Thank you,” he said quietly.

She sat on her knees on the bed in front of him, pressing a soft kiss to his lips and looking upon him with soft eyes. “Are you alright?”

He nodded, but that was a lie. And she knew it was a lie.  So she did the only thing she could possibly do for him. She was there. She held him till he slept, and when she spoke just before he went under, it sounded as if she were at the end of a tunnel. “I love you,” she whispered.

..::::.. ..::::.. ..::::.. ..::::..

“Failure, Fear, and Pain” originally posted on AO3 on 10/28/2020.

[cinebration]

Screaming Demons (Alfie Solomons x Reader) [Request]

Hey, idk if you’ll want to write this but a Alfie x fem!reader where they start to get more serious relationship wise and she’s scared he’ll leave her cause she doesn’t want to have children. But he just ends up being like, lol me neither girl and then 10 years later they’re living married life in Margate with like 10 doggies

Totally fine if you don’t want to write this cause it has the topic of children etc. I just wish there was more representation for women, who don’t want kids in all these fanfics ^^ — Requested by @idiotonlegs​​

The easiest fanfic I’ve ever written.

Warnings: none

Gif Source: michaelgreys

Anxiety twisted your stomach and set your nerves fluttering. You stared down at the key in your hand, the weight of it incomprehensible. Well, no, not the weight—the meaning of it. Or rather, you knew exactly what it meant, and that addled your mind. You struggled with it, the key growing heavier and heavier in your hand.

Alfie frowned, perplexed by your reaction. “I will admit that I do not abide by convention, but if you would rather that I did, I could make an exception.” He reached for the key.

Your hand curled around it. “It isn’t that.”

“Tell me, then.”

You slowly turned the key over in your palm. “Alfie…I need to know what you expect from me.”

His eyebrows arched. “I thought that was obvious.”

“Besides the sex, Alfie.”

Lips pressing into a thin line, Alfie thought it over. “I suppose I was expecting to be loved every day and to come home to your beautiful face each night. If you don’t want to cook, we can hire someone, or I can do the cooking.”

“I meant…do you want children?”

He frowned, searched your face.

“Because I don’t,” you continued. “You need to know that before we take the next step. If you want little Alfies running around, we can’t…I can’t do this.” You extended the key to him, your arm trembling with anxiety.

Alfie’s gaze bored into yours, scrutinizing your features. He glanced down at your hand, nodded slowly to himself.

You felt your stomach plummet. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry? Don’t be fuckin’ sorry. Marry me.”

You jerked your head up in surprise. “What?”

“Marry. Me.”

“Did…did you understand what I’m saying? I don’t want children. IF you stay with me, you won’t have any.”

Alfie nodded. “I am not too keen on having children either.”

Relief swept through you, sudden and rejuvenating.

“They’re little demons, yeah? They suck on your life and take you away from your spouse,” Alfie continued. “One of me is sufficient. I cannot let a demon child of mine burn the damn town down.”

You laughed, unable to stop yourself. Snorting, you clutched the key to your chest and leaned against him. He pressed a kiss to the top of your forehead, rambling on about the problems of offspring.

“I love you,” you murmured, reaching up to press your lips against his.

His beard tickled you as he answered, “Mmm, you’ll marry me.”

“Yes.”

~~

You never thought you would find someone who shared your opinion on children. You smiled and kept silent whenever some of the other ladies fawned over you and lamented over your perceived barrenness. Meanwhile, you took in their harried appearances and winced each time their children shrieked, and you thanked the Lord that you had been blessed with Alfie.

Roughly ten years into your marriage, you woke up on your anniversary to a large dog at your feet and a puppy wriggling around near your neck, his tongue slobbering up your cheek. Laughing, you pushed him aside with a few ear scratches and sat up, yawning off the last vestiges of sleep.

Alfie’s gruff voice called out from the other room. “Love!”

Somehow, he always knew when you were awake. It was probably on account of the dogs getting riled by your wakened state. The two dogs on the bed bolted off down the hallway to find Alfie as you climbed out of bed and slipped into a thin robe.

“Happy anniversary,” Alfie declared.

The kitchen table was piled high with rich breakfast food. You laughed and kissed him on his scarred cheek as you took a seat.

“We ought to go on holiday, yeah?”

“If you feel like it,” you answered around a mouthful of bread.

“I was thinking someplace that is not damp.”

A seagull shrieked, and some child out on the beach mimicked it.

“Someplace without screaming demons,” Alfie added.

“I would very much like that.”

[j0elmill3r]

It’s Quiet Uptown

Bucky Barnes x Daughter!Reader

Bucky Barnes Masterlist

Warnings: Death, Angst, swearing,

Word Count: 3,006

A/N: This is 100% inspired by Hamilton, the lyrics are in bold and italic. I watched this and actually sobbed, so what better way to take out my emotional instability on all of you! This is really fucking sad, so yeah, beware of that I guess. I promise I'll get some requests done at some point! I hope you all enjoy this because I really liked writing this! The angst is right up at 100 for this, so have your tissues handy boys!

--

A shudder twisted through your body as your eyes peeled open to take in your rather grim surroundings. Nothing in this room gave you a feeling of safety or assurance, in all honesty, you thought you were already dead and you were a ghost. Grime and dirt coated the damp walls, creating an awful smell. The only light in the room was the dimming light bulb that was hanging over your head, illuminating you and only you, so you had no clue what kind of monsters were lurking in the shadowy corners of the room. You tried to struggle against the ropes you were tied to, but they had no give and you were only causing yourself more pain by struggling against them. Anxiety spiked in your chest - did your dad know you were here? Did he even know where you were in general? Your head snapped up to the huge, steel door in front of you creaking open. Grim nausea came over you, 3 men, all much stronger and larger than you walked in.

"I see our little fighter is awake," One of them said, crouching down beside you and brushing your hair away from the side of your face. "We were scared you would never wake up." He said, grinning at you evilly.

"I'm beginning to wish I didn't," You snarled, giving all three of them a dirty glare. You were doing your best to try and appear strong, but inside, you had never been more scared in your life. The rational side of your brain told you that you had no way of escaping, even if you did manage to get out of your restraints, these guys would easily catch up on you and put you right back on square one.  But the other side of your brain told you that you were good enough to outsmart them and that you were trained well enough to escape and get back home without getting hurt.

"You're going to. After the state you left poor Logan in, we're gonna have to hurt you, sweetheart," Another said, coming out of the shadows and standing in front of you. "You put up one hell of a fight, did your daddy teach you how to fight like that?" He asked you mockingly.  You sighed and smiled innocently.

"Yeah, he did," You said, experimenting in moving your legs so you could wake them up and make a run for it. "He also taught me that guys like you have the brain capacity of a goldfish." You said, looking up at him. You kicked him in the crotch and pushed yourself back on the chair, falling back and breaking the weak chair. Hope began to raise, you were actually going to get out of here. You slipped your arms out of the ropes and grabbed two of the legs of the chair, using them as your weapons of defence.

"You little bitch," You ducked as one of the men ran at you, hitting on the back as hard as you could with the leg of the chair, groaning when it did nothing other than snap in half. You gulped and saw you were surrounded. "That was the stupidest escape plan I've ever seen, what about you boys?"

"I've seen some things here, but a girl trying to outrun us and thinking she has a chance of getting out tops them all," One of them says, walking towards you. The other one followed him and soon you were surrounded. You didn't know what happened next, but you screamed, and then everything around you disappeared and turned to black.

-

"Where the fuck is she?!" Bucky roared. You were never one to go out without informing him, and the fact you hadn't answered anyone's phone calls or texts were making Bucky's anxiety levels spike through the roof. The rest of the team were sitting in one of the meeting rooms, trying to figure out where you could be. Steve was the first one brave enough to meet Bucky's enraged face. Bucky's anger wasn't aimed at the team, anything but. It was for himself for not being there to protect you, he felt as though he had in some way failed you.

"We're still looking for her," Steve said, looking up at Bucky with sorry eyes, a glint of remorse in his blue eyes. "But we know who took her." Steve added on.

"And who would it be?" Bucky asked. In fact, Bucky already knew who had taken you. Who else would be looking for a 16-year-old kid and try their damnedest to hide them? Steve sighed.

"HYDRA has her," Steve said. Dread filled Bucky's system and paralysed him. "We're still working on specifically where Y/N is, but we have everyone looking at every single possibility." Steve assured Bucky. Bucky scoffed and shook his head, running his hand down his face and holding tears back in his eyes.

"You better fucking find her, Steve. Because if you don't, I won't hesitate to knock the ever-loving shit outta you." Bucky threatened. Steve knew it was empty and that Bucky wouldn't do anything if they they couldn't locate you, Bucky would be too overcome with guilt to even think about harming him. Bucky wasn't angry at Steve or anyone else, he was angry at himself for letting this happen to you.

"I know this is difficult, Buck, but we're gonna find her," Steve told him. "I promise." Bucky looked up and looked at Steve with an aggressive furrowed brow.

"Do not promise shit, Steve! You don't know that we're gonna find her!" Bucky yelled, frustration on his features. Steve sighed and gave Bucky a sympathetic look.

"Okay, I don't. But we can't just rule out that we're not going to find her," Steve said. "You have to stay optimistic, Bucky."

"I stayed optimistic for years and look where it got me, Steve," Bucky said. "It's just easier to assume the worst, then when it comes I'm never surprised." Steve hated to see Bucky so hopeless, it was heartbreaking. No one else said anything, just trying to ignore their own looming fear. They all sat for a minute before one of the S.H.I.E.L.D agents came in, a nervous look on their face.

"Mr.Barnes, we-we uh, located your daughter,"

-

The dull throbbing of your head subsided as your eyes opened, you found yourself in a different room from the one you originally woke up in. This room was straight up dark, nothing gave you any light, you couldn't see anything. It felt like being trapped in a void, it felt like you couldn't even breathe. Your bones ached and screamed for you to sit back down as you stood up and tried to figure out where the door was, you found it bolted shut, but despite that, you tried your best to beat it open. But as soon as your fists made contact with the solid steel, you screamed out in pain as a burning feeling spread throughout your body, making it feel as though your whole body was on fire. You fell to your knees as a cries tore through you, you were doubled over, clutching your stomach. A crackle came across the intercom system, making you look up at the ceiling. In all honesty, you didn't know if it was the ceiling anymore, your whole sense of orientation felt off.

"Good morning, Y/N," A voice said, it sounded like one of the men that had knocked you out. "If you can't feel it already, there's a deadly serum in your blood that will  kill you if your father does not get here within 10 hours,"  You could picture the grin on his face as he spoke, telling you of your inevitable fate. "If he doesn't get here, you will die alone in a dark room, where no one is likely to find you." He finished. Fear hit you like a speeding train that dragged you along the tracks. Everything fell silent, making it all worse for you. You fell into a corner, sitting with your legs out and head against the corner. The fear of your dad not finding you made you burst into tears. You didn't want to die, no, not right now. You wanted to go to prom, have a real boyfriend, get married, have children, have a life. But you didn't even know if your dad knew you were missing, or if he even cared. You didn't know how long you had been crying for, but it was long enough for you to know it was getting closer. You knew you were really alone, there had been no snide remarks from your captors. You were hot, sweat stuck your hair to your forehead and your clothes to your body. At some point, you had ran out of tears and had become numb to the situation facing you. You felt tired, like you could close your eyes and just go to sleep for days upon days. It was a peaceful numbness, it felt good to finally feel like you could sleep without fear of nightmares. You could finally rest well and not have to worry about anything anymore.

-

Bucky's anxiety was spiking, he was filled with fear and dread. He didn't want to think of the unimaginable, but knew it was a high probability, probably the highest among all of the other options. He and Steve decided that they would go, you trusted them both the most and if there was anyone who could calm you down after something going wrong, it was Bucky. The base was quiet, were you even here? Steve and Bucky searched for any trace of you in the seemingly abandoned base, but found no trace of you. Bucky peered into one of the rooms and saw a bloodstain on the floor, it made his stomach lurch.

"Steve," Bucky called out, turning on his heel. Steve came into the room and grimaced, then looking to Bucky. "Do you think it's hers?" Bucky asked fearfully.

"It's dry, Buck. I don't think so," Steve murmured. Bucky let out an exasperated groan, where the fuck were you? A shrill, pain filled scream got both super soldiers attention. They both followed the sound to a huge, steel door. Bucky knew that scream, he raised that scream.

"Y/N?!" Bucky cried. Relief flooded him, but it was replaced by fear, why were you screaming? "Y/N, honey, tell me what's going on?!" Bucky yelled, watching as Steve made attempts to try and get the solid door open? You didn't answer him, causing the fear inside of him to rise. "Dammit, Y/N, answer me!" Bucky yelled, his voice breaking. Steve got the door open, they waited in fear as it creaked open. Bucky was the first to walk in, freezing when he saw you slumped in a corner, your eyes glassy and tired. This is what it was. It was the dreaded unimaginable. Bucky made his way over to you, his guiding light being that from the hallway of the base. "Y/N, honey."

"Dad," You said quietly. Bucky smiled and nodded as tears came to his eyes, he tried to hide them from you, but knew you were smarter than that. You sluggishly brought your hand up to his face to wipe away his tears. "Don't be sad." You told him. Steve had taken a step back, standing outside of the room to keep his own emotions in check. Steve wanted to push away the unimaginable. Bucky smiled and pushed your sticky hair away from your forehead, smiling at you sadly.

"You're gonna be alright, honey," Bucky assured you, maybe also himself. "You can rest, you can let go. It's okay." He said, kissing the top of your head. You smiled at him lazily.

"I love you," You said quietly. Bucky let out a sob and pulled you onto his lap gently, sitting against the wall.

"I love you too, Y/N," Bucky whispered. Your head lay on his shoulder as your already shallow breaths became more and more shallow, until they eventually stopped all together. Bucky felt his heart stop at that very moment. He broke down, sobbing into your shoulder and hiding his face. Steve felt his heart shatter, you were like the daughter he never had, any time Bucky couldn't have with you, Steve was always happy to make up. And now you were gone.

can you imagine?

-

There is suffering too terrible to name. Bucky didn't want to know if you suffered, part of him wished that you didn't feel any pain, but the part of him that knew HYDRA told him that they didn't do painless. He resigned from the Avengers, they understood, they didn't pretend to know The challenges he was facing. Bucky moved to uptown New York, he had to get away from everything, but had to learn to live with the unimaginable. Bucky never quite understood grief or loss before, in fact, he had never truly experienced it before. No amount of preparation could have prepared him for the amount of grief he was going to experience due to your death. It tore him apart in the most brutal of ways, every time he walked by a park and saw parents with their young children, he couldn't help but a shed a tear. That had been him once, he had to put your plasters on your scrapes when you fell off of the swings, he had to pull you away while you cried and screamed. Now, he didn't get to have a child. The days blended into each other, every day felt the exact same, quiet, dull and lifeless. Bucky came to the conclusion that he never realised just how much he never liked the quiet before. You were the light in Bucky's life, and now he was left in the dark without you.

Steve and Natasha stood outside of the apartment that Bucky lived in, a bag of groceries in each of their hands. The door opened to reveal the dishevelled Bucky Barnes, he looked broken.

"Hey," Bucky said quietly. They could tell he'd been crying, his voice was hoarse and his eyes were red. "Come in." Bucky moved out of the door, letting Natasha and Steve in. They looked around, seeing old photo albums out on the table, multiple cups of coffee placed around the apartment. Both Natasha and Steve sighed, turning to face the vulnerable looking Bucky.

"Buck-"

"Steve, please don't give me any of the it's gonna get better bullshit, because I've heard too much of it," Bucky said. "I don't get why people are telling me that. My daughter is dead. I'm never gonna get to scare away any potential boyfriends, and the one I don't scare off won't get to ask me if he can marry her. I won't get to do any of that," Bucky's voice broke, so did Natasha and Steve's heart. "God, if I could just see her smile one more time, that would be enough."

"I'll leave these here," Natasha said, putting the plastic bag on the counter top. "I have to go." She said, smiling at Bucky, who returned the gesture. Natasha left, leaving Steve and Bucky.

"How are you doing?" Steve asked, sitting down on the couch beside Bucky. Bucky sighed and looked up.

"Okay, I guess," He answered.

"Do you want to talk about her?" Steve asked him. As much as it hurt, Bucky liked to talk about you. He nodded.

"I think she would like it uptown, it's quiet uptown," Bucky said. Steve nodded and smiled. "It's just like the moments when you're in so deep It feels easier to just swim down," Bucky explained. "I just really miss her." Bucky looked down as he felt the all too familiar sting of tears come to his eyes.

"We all do," Steve told Bucky. "I never told you because Y/N begged me not to, but she was going out with that Parker kid before she died." Steve revealed. Bucky laughed and nodded.

"I already knew. I just didn't want to burst their bubble, they thought they were doing well at hiding it," Bucky said, a smile on his face. "I just didn't want to say anything because I thought it would upset her." They both sat in comfortable silence for a minute before Steve decided to speak up.

"I know there's no replacing what you've lost, and you need time, but if time is what you need, then you'll get it," Steve told him, noticing that Bucky was tearing up.

"I just really want her back. If I could spare her life , I could trade her life for mine, God, I would do it in a heartbeat," Bucky said. "She-she was barely 16, Steve. She hadn't even gotten out of highschool. She wanted to do so much, and now she'll never get to do it." Bucky broke down into tears, Steve too had shed a few, but he didn't have the same rights to mourn as Bucky, he didn't even want to begin to understand how he was feeling. Steve put his arm around Bucky and let him cry into his shoulder. Bucky hadn't ever cried this much, never in his century of living. Everything hurt, Bucky wanted to give up, but knew if he did, you would come and kick his ass in the afterlife. He had to keep going and work through the unimaginable.

For you.

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