#-> being a FUCKING COWARD about EVERYTHING
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Ok let me just- go off for a minute here about Dante and Patty’s relationship BECAUSE CAPCOM ARE COWARDS AND REFUSE TI GIVE EITHER OF THE ELDER SPARDA THE HAPPY CHEMICAL SO WE HAVE TO DO IT OURSELVES BECAUSE THEY DESERVE IT GODDAMNIT-anyway beware Headcanons XD
He meets her and naturally comes off as uncaring and nonchalant to everything, but he blocks her sight of blood and gore and death as much as he can. Shoving her hat down in the car, blocking with the drop screen on the stage. And even in the situation where she sees something and is scared like in the train scene he doesn’t say anything bad for her fear or her crying, and at the end of the first episode she did see him fight but he obviously kept her safe from it. When she redecorates the office, his den/territory, he isn’t happy but he doesn’t shout at her, rather her actions, he’s firm but not mean.
When she grabs the watch for the gambling demon case in Ep 9, points his own gun at him, his expression is furious for .2 seconds as he rushes at her to grab it, but his anger is not at Patty. It’s at the cursed watch. His entire being in that moment was flooded with the urge to protect his young, to get Patty to safety, and the expression on his face as he holds her after is so soft and concerned and relieved. Which is why he put her out of the line of fire when he gave her to Morrison later on when she tried to take over the poker game for him.
And on Patty’s side!!!! She adores Dante even if she pushes at him, but she’s an orphan and he’s the only stable adult that’s not the nuns that she knows, that she basically lives with, of course she’s gonna push and poke at him and his boundaries to see what he’s going to do or not do. But as much as she teases and prods, she is willing to fight for him if he’s in trouble.
Ep 9 again, she’s watching Dante, her father figure, and Lady, an aunt, seemingly fight when Dante acts off. She doesn’t remember the watch being cursed, she wasn’t told after she came to, so when Morrison, an uncle, has her held back when Lady seemingly KILLS DANTE IN FRONT OF HER- she is about to bite Morrison to get to her father, screaming at Lady in shock and anger and betrayal and she only doesn’t do that because the demon shows itself and Dante gets up.
And of course the biggest one in Ep 12. Patty is a child, she is a little girl who’s just found her mother after so long apart and thinking she was dead- and she’s looking for Dante and then this giant demon grabs her, taunts her with making her watch as Redgrave is being invaded/destroyed, people are dying- tells her Dante is dead-and she has so much faith in him, her latent magic activates and a portal opens to hell. What does she do? She ignores her mother and Morrison. And jumps into hell.
Let me repeat that. Patty. Jumped. INTO HELL BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO HELP DANTE-
Reminder for those who haven’t seen the series, At this point Dante is unconscious and crucified with Rebellion stabbed through him for the tenth time-
And Patty gets through hell with her magic protecting her, hauls herself up a cliff, and then jumps onto the cross that the demons are dragging down.
And she tries to pull out Rebellion. She. Tries. To. Pull. Out. Rebellion. PATTY IS EIGHT YEARS OLD AND HUMAN AND SHE’S TRYING TO LIFT A DEMONIC BLADE
And shes talking to Dante the entire time, begging him to wake up, and then she’s clinging to him and apologizing she’s saying it’s her fault for all of this, promising to not eat his sundaes without asking or get mad at him about messing his office up and she’s crying because she’s scared and her father is hurt and she can’t do anything but she needs him to wake up and be ok-
And when she’s being attacked again after she’s forced out of hell, forced from Dante’s side, told she’s the reason all this happened by fucking Sid- she still doesn’t lose her trust and faith Dante’s going to come back that he’s not dead. She calls out for him when she’s in danger
And, like a guard dog following a whistle, like a knight forgoing every other duty to defend his charge, he comes to her side to defend her.
Dante is her father. Patty is his daughter. I’m not taking criticism or questioning at this time thank you for coming to my Ted Talk
The way Dante immediately grabs her hands to make sure she doesn’t fall ;-; that’s his daughter he cares about her so much.
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Title: "The One Who Got Away"
You had spent the evening curled up on the couch, watching reruns of your favorite show, trying to forget about everything that had happened earlier that day. Your heart had been heavy for a while now. The world felt dull without Marshall in it, without his chaotic, yet comforting presence. The silence in your apartment felt suffocating. You missed him—more than you wanted to admit.
Suddenly, a knock at your door startled you. It was late. Who could it be?
You stood up, your mind racing, but when you opened the door, your breath caught in your throat. Standing before you, looking disheveled and vulnerable in a hoodie and jeans, was Marshall—Eminem himself. His expression was a mixture of exhaustion, regret, and raw emotion.
"Marshall?" you whispered, feeling your pulse quicken. "What are you doing here?"
He glanced around nervously before stepping inside, his eyes avoiding yours. "Can we talk?" he asked quietly, almost pleading.
You stepped back, allowing him in. You hadn't seen him in months, not since the day he left you. The day everything fell apart.
He ran a hand through his messy hair, taking a deep breath. "I��I owe you an apology. I shouldn't have left you like I did. I was trying to be a better person for Kim, but I hurt you. And I hate myself for it."
You blinked, unsure of what to say. You had been carrying the pain of his sudden departure for so long, the hole in your chest growing with each passing day. "You left me when I needed you the most," you finally said, your voice barely a whisper. "I don't understand why you did it, Marshall."
He looked at you, his eyes searching your face, and you saw the pain there, the guilt. "Kim... when she got pregnant, I thought I had to do the right thing. I thought I had to be there for her and for the baby. I thought I was being a good guy, but in doing that, I ended up breaking your heart."
Tears welled up in your eyes, and you swallowed the lump in your throat. "I loved you, Marshall. I gave you everything. And you just... left."
He stepped closer, his voice breaking. "I know, and I regret it more than you could ever imagine. But I was scared. I didn’t know how to juggle everything. I didn't want to hurt Kim or the baby, but I ended up hurting you... the one person who didn’t deserve it."
Your heart ached at the vulnerability in his voice. You had never seen Marshall like this before—so raw, so open. "Why are you here now?" you asked softly, a mix of anger and hurt still lingering in your chest.
He hesitated for a moment, his hands trembling slightly. "Because I can't live with myself anymore knowing I fucked up. I was a coward, and I made the worst decision of my life when I walked away from you. I thought it was the right thing to do, but... it wasn’t. You were always the one I needed. The one I wanted. And I fucked it up."
The tears that you had been holding back spilled over, and you wiped your face, trying to hide the pain. "But it's too late, Marshall. You made your choice."
He shook his head, his eyes desperate. "Please... don't say that. I know I can't change the past, but I can try to make things right. I can try to show you how sorry I am. I’ve been an idiot."
For a moment, you said nothing. Your mind was racing, torn between the anger of the past and the feelings you still had for him. You wanted to push him away, to tell him it was too late, but part of you, the part that had never stopped loving him, couldn't do it.
Slowly, you took a step forward, closing the space between you. "You hurt me, Marshall. You left me when I needed you the most."
He nodded, tears welling up in his eyes. "I know. And I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry."
You searched his face, the man who had once been your everything. "Why now?" you asked again, your voice shaky. "Why come back now, after all this time?"
"Because I’m done lying to myself," he replied, his voice filled with raw emotion. "I was an asshole, and I was afraid of my own feelings. But now, I know the truth. I love you. I always have, and I always will. I was just too fucking scared to admit it."
Your breath caught in your throat. Could this be real? Could he really mean this?
"Marshall..." you whispered, your heart pounding in your chest.
He reached out, taking your hand gently in his, as if afraid you'd pull away. "I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but please... can we try again? Can we start over?"
You looked into his eyes, seeing the sincerity there, and for the first time in months, you allowed yourself to believe that maybe—just maybe—this was what you needed too.
With a shaky breath, you nodded. "Yeah... we can try."
And for the first time in a long while, you felt a glimmer of hope.
----
A/N this could be a new series guys I swear this is so cute and angsty.
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!! CHAPTER 7 / DIASOMNIA ARC SPOILERS !!
For those wondering why I'm posting so late, the update was released on my finals week 😭 I had to lock in yknow 😔. I also took some time off cuz I really wasn't feeling like myself after everything that's been going with my life, so I decided to take a break and focus on some self-healing. Now that I'm better, I decided to post the first update together with the second update as a way to say that I haven't abandoned this yet.
But anyways hope you guys are doing well! Let's not keep you waiting (Deuce's Dream):
We land in NRC and Leona's doing fine with the dream hopping, even mocking those who got sick/scared cuz of it 💀. That's when Grim smells food and runs off to the cafeteria, the others following after him. Turns out it's lunch time, and Grim's now in line to get food, but we then see 2 thugs with colored mohawks from Scarabia telling Grim that the cafeteria was their turf.
That's when Deuce shows up, except he's blonde just like when he was a delinquent back then.
He pretty much tells them to fuck off cuz the turf war that happened a few days ago placed Heartslabyul on top, but the thugs wouldn't listen cuz he's just a freshman. But the moment Dream!Trey and Dream!Cater show up, the thugs run away like cowards. Deuce apologizes to them for causing a ruckus, but Cater tells him that it's okay cuz he's protecting his "cute junior".
That's when the trio notice Leona. Dream!Cater and Dream!Trey both seem overprotective of the Ramshackle duo as Cater asks why Yuu is with him, thinking that Ramshackle got absorbed by Savanaclaw with the ongoing turf wars. Leona denies it, saying that Ramshackle isn't involved with them. Trey's relieved as it's better if someone got too close to Yuu. Because apparently in the dream, Ramshackle is (somewhat) protected by Heartslabyul.
Yuu and Grim are separated for awhile as they go and have lunch with Heartslabyul to play along with Deuce's dream while the others think of a plan and in the process Leona bullies Idia into making a device that can let them hear a conversation from far away.
When we reach the Heartslabyul table, we see Dream!Riddle who Deuce refers to as "boss" and asks him if we can sit at their tabe, which he grants. Then Dream!Ace appears, who greets Yuu and Grim first, then proceeds to tease about how loud he was during the confrontation. Normally, Deuce would be embarassed but in this dream he isn't ashamed at all.
Dream!Cater comes in with intel that Scarabia is planning to take the cafeteria back from Heartslabyul through a turf war, but they aren't backing either cuz Dream!Trey wants to use the ovens for the next Unbirthday Party and Deuce's ready to show them what they got. Of course, Yuu and Grim are so confused as to what's happening; then Ace mocks them for sleeping in Trein's class where they discussed about it.
So basically NRC is divided into 7 dorms that have designated spaces or turf. If a dorm wants to use a space, they have to fight another dorm to do so. Ramshackle is considered to be a neutral zone so no violence happens there but Yuu and Grim hang out with Ace and Deuce so they kinda get some Heartslabyul protection.
Ace and Deuce also explains the territories each dorm owns, which are the following:
Heartslabyul - The library; basically if you wanna borrow a book, you gotta get through them.
Savanaclaw - The Botanical Gardens; consider yourself fucked if you need something from Crewel there.
Octavinelle - Sam's Store which used to be a neutral zone until Azul struck a deal with Sam. You pay a toll in order to get in, but you can always resort to fists if you don't want to.
Scarabia - The cafeteria, windmill and chicken coop; normally they're nice but that all changes when food gets involved.
Pomefiore - The alchemy lab and courtyard; with the former being their main operations area.
Ignihyde - Auditorium and infirmary; they hardly confront people but you're screwed if Ortho's around cuz he'll just blast you.
Diasomnia - The coliseum and stables; they're hard to beat but they're pretty civil, it's better to stay on their good side unless you want to get lightning striked.
Everyone's shocked cuz what the hell is going on with Deuce's dream 😭. Sebek compares it to a small country at war while Idia and Ortho compare to a manga series that got adapted into a movie and TV drama.
That's when Silver's like "isn't Deuce an honor student tho?" that's when Ortho replies that Deuce isn't even on the Top 100 and has seen Riddle tutor him multiple times before, Sebek also adds that Deuce also had to stay behind classes a lot (cut the guy some slack ya'll he's trying 😔🤚).
The gang (minus Yuu and Grim) discuss ways on how to wake Deuce up, seeing that a fight may not be enough to wake him up. Then all of a sudden, another mohawked student shows up to tell Dream!Riddle that Octavinelle is secretly taking the library while they're having lunch (nah bruh they color-coded the mohawks).
Since it was only the first years who attacked, Riddle sends Dream!Ace and Deuce (along with other freshmen) to deal with them. So we follow them to the library, where Octavinelle declares that they'll be taking over the library to study for the exams next week, but Heartslabyul ain't backing down without a fight. While they're fighting, they're just screaming attack names while throwing books at one another.
Sebek's upset that they're just throwing books all over the place but he gets real MAD when he notices that the pages are just blank. That's when Leona smirks, it turns out that Deuce can't fill up books he's never read. Sebek calls Deuce out on this shouting that he can't call himself an "honor student" if he treats books like this and challengeds him to a fight.
Sebek didn't waste any time and proceeded to launch himself at Deuce screaming that books are not meant to be weapons...while also whacking him with a book 💀. Grim managed to grab the Queen of Hearts rule book that they were using and points out that only some parts of the books were filled out cuz he doesn't remember that either.
Deuce is starting to wake up, then Dream!Ace turns into the darkness. It tries to sweet talk Deuce that he can be an honor student through strength, and Grim's like "Don't listen to him Deuce! Ace would never say something like that".
Grim tells Deuce to recall all the times Ace called him stupid and A WHOLE MONTAGE PLAYS I CAN'T 😭 it's that many times fr
(I can only include some screencaps but yeah you get the point)
But the memory that awakens Deuce was their time at the Dwarf Mines during the prologue (awwww 🥹). Deuce is now awake, and he attacks the darkness. After defeating it, the darkness calls out to Deuce in its last breath that "aren't they true friends?". But Deuce wasn't buying it, knowing that the real Ace was a bigger asshole than it.
The gang also shows Deuce the whole explanation in which Leona teases Idia that he's good if someone like Deuce managed to understand it (Leona really has the time to throw shade huh). Deuce's embarassed about his dream, but Ortho tells him not to too worry too much about it; since the dreams are just warped versions of a person's desires.
Sebek really isn't letting go of the empty books thing and scolds Deuce about it. But Ortho noticed that there's one book that's written properly, it's called "Story of the Card Soldiers". It's a popular story in the Queendom of Roses, but not so in other places. Deuce tells them that it talks about the cards that constantly follow the Queen of Hearts, and he liked the part where the cards chase the rule breaker through the maze. He also remembers how he used to beg his mom to read it to him as a bedtime story.
Silver also notes that the book is actually complete, and Sebek immediately gets invested in the story. He noticed Deuce smiling at him while reading, and asked if he liked reading; which he replies that reading is important to him. Deuce plans on reading more from now on, which leads to Silver asking Sebek to recommend a book that Deuce can read. Since Sebek recommended books that Silver can read with his condition. He agrees, but proceeds to call the other first years losers 😭. But Silver tells them not to take what Sebek said to heart, and that he's a good guy.
While they were making the clone for Deuce's dream, they noticed that Leona went missing. Turns out he just moved a bunch of chairs to sleep on them lmao
And that's it for Deuce's dream, he really did turn NRC into a turf war huh?
But anyways, hope you guys enjoyed!
Next: Cater's Dream
(Note: This post is a summarized version of the update, info and pics comes from @/LBucchie, @/YumeMay0, and @/acesuuu on x/twt, give them some support if you can)
#rany talks about twst#twisted wonderland#twst#twst jp#twst spoilers#diasomnia#sebek zigvolt#twst silver#ortho shroud#idia shroud#leona kingscholar#deuce spade#I couldn't find proper eng translations for the dorm names so i decided to skip them altogether
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the ONLY reason i have not written a william wisp fic yet is because he activates such a specific emotion within me that i cannot accurately put into words without exposing all of my own mental health issues
#-> critically avoidant of all his issues -> tries to laugh off topics about himself when theyre brought up by force#-> derealization beam -> invisibility beam -> forgettinf youre a real person -#> feeling so very separated from everyone around you because of your specific circumstances#-> things get really sad and awkward really quickly even if you wanted to bring up your own issues#so you stay quiet about them in order to not scare or hurt anyone else -> extreme jealously beam#-> being petty and mean about the extreme jealousy thing -> the only thing keeping you from totally snapping and becoming a villain#is one other person/thing -> constant guilt and shame over things you cannot control#-> being broken out of a really bad spiral by someone you love yelling at you (not angry) and giving you a hug#-> being a FUCKING COWARD about EVERYTHING#anyway. reading myself for filth. im not joking when i make wow hes just like me fr jokes
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I miss ep 1 Sukuna my crazy wife
#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#jjk anime#ryomen sukuna#my post#his nails in this episode go CRAZY#I wish his true form had long nails😔#but gege the coward went for a more macho look instead#he does still have them (in my heart)#I can't express how much I LOVE this scene!!#EVERYTHING ABOUT IT!!#him being SO FUCKING HAPPY AND JOYOUS to come back to life that he rips HIS FUCKING CLOTHES LIKE A WEREWOLF UNDER THE MOONLIGHT!!!#AND HIS TATTOOS AND NAILS AND HIS MANIAC LITTLE LAUGH AND HE'S SOOOOO FUCKING ENDEARING I CAN'T 😭😭#asking where the women and children at..#that's my king
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like why did they change where Vegeta was when Cell announced the cell games in the anime
why did they make this vegeta starting shit with yamcha instead of chillin in the lab with his family? why did they take Bulma out of the lab? Why'd they say she was Out while Dr Brief was repairing 16? Why did they change Bulma working on advanced robotics to running in late with her baby?
it's the same scene except: - Bulma's actively at work being a scientist - Vegeta's not being rude to her (or anyone else!) - Vegeta waits for Trunks instead of leaving the room - Cell interrupted the airwaves, which means Trunks and Vegeta were just hanging out with Bulma and Dr B while they were working
Those are all Great Character Details!! That the anime rails against!!
#these cowards afraid of showing Vegeta actively choosing to be around his wife and child even when he's Bad#Because Goku who is Good never ever even once makes that choice onscreen outside of filler#and then they justify that choice by making Chi-Chi seem horrid and unreasonable for (checks notes) Not Wanting Her Child to Die#anyway I am once again being bitter about anime vs manga klasjdklasd#I can't believe I let the anime convince me I hated Goku man Goku's SUCH a good and ridiculous character in the manga#the anime just SUCKS at letting him be who he's always been#and has to reframe and recontextualize and reword everything he does so that it seems like he's Actually Quite Mature and Thoughtful nO#THAT's VEGETA YOU COWARDS#also the fact that bulma said she wouldn't live with him at the beginning of this arc to him casually hanging out with her and trunks#after cell beat his ass and humbled him is REALLY GOOD SUBTEXT for their shared relationship having improved without showing it#it's great subtext for all three of them and toei just went 'nah' and decided to make it a whole group shot so ...? Master Roshi could sit#and explain how ??? Tournaments Work??? Just so Cell could log on and also explain how tournaments work?? God it's been so long#since I've watched the anime and now when I do it just makes me mad aklsdjskja the manga is SOOOOO much better#there are some spots where the pacing is more ideal in the anime like goku turning ssj for the first time but like man. everything else is.#like why are you making Goku snarky with Vegeta dude his clapbacks are SO much funnier when they're just Tactless Honesty#like Vegeta's not insulted by Snark bitch he grew up in the Freeza force that man was raised by THE bitchiest drag queens#Vegeta's insulted by someone saying something deeply and insultingly True to his face as if it's the fucking weather#Goku in the anime is like 'a battle of wits hoho' but Goku's purity is part of the joke he's not snippy he's just got no social etiquette#He's just honest! He's not trying to be insulting. That's what MAKES it insulting! That's the WHOLE GAG of why Vegeta can't stand him#Goku is always just telling the truth and it's always the rudest shit Vegeta's ever heard in his life#'it's a sunny day! i'm way stronger than you! see you out there bud!' 10000% Genuinely Friendly. Golden Retriever-Ass Pure.#Infuriating. Hilarious.#anyway I looked at anime clips to make sure I remembered things right and that was a mistake#as someone who has a soft spot for it and grew up on it -- compared to the manga it's bad and it's always been bad#and toriyama was right to be disinterested in watching it jesus christ they BUTCHERED his work#anyway this has been another shot of haterade with sketches thank you for scrolling my rambletags askljdask#dbtag#i just truly can't get over how they make Vegeta call her 'woman' in the anime and he literally only ever calls her Bulma in the manga#except for on namek when he refers to her as 'the/that woman' because she is a complete stranger#why is he calling her woman like he's a 1940s american husband and not an extraterrestrial from a deeply advanced society toei
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I've reached season 5 on my CSI rewatch and I'm a few episodes past "Swap Meet", where a woman is murdered after attending a swing party with other couples from the neighbourhood. Near the end of the episode there's a moment that made me jump from my seat:
(Grissom walks up to Sara and takes the seat next to her. He's holding two cups. He hands her a cup of tea.)
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE]
Erin Brady: Everybody fantasizes about other people. (She glances at Grissom.)
Even you, Mr. Grissom. A neighbor, a friend ... girl at the office.
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY]
(The door opens. Paul Brady walks out of the hallway. Erin Brady walks out into the hallway. Sara is sitting in the hallway chair watching them. She watches as they meet and kiss.)
(Grissom walks up to Sara and takes the seat next to her. He's holding two culps. He hands her a cup of tea.)
LIKE!!!!!!!
Right after Erin ends her sentence with 'girl at the office', the first time Sara and Grissom meet again, he brings her tea. This might be an innocent interaction but to me it seemed like a nod to this relationship they have where both are into each other, know about the other's feelings, but can't/won't do anything about it (although Sara has kind of given Grissom an ultimatum). I don't know if it was intentional - I'm guessing it is, because I picked it up immediately. I might or might not have squealed in delight.
#csi#gsr#i'm very Normal about them btw i don't think about them 50 times per day or anything#need to talk more about these two here#because im obsessed about them in a Normal way#sara is like. my dream wife. i totally get grissom being in love with her for years and barely holding it together#i would not though#i'm 1000% sure she's bi. but the writers have been cowards so far#also she and i dress THE SAME. yes i love 2000s clothes so what#i could talk about her forever she's everything to me#and grissom. oh grissom. i also get why she's been in love with him forever#i mean what the FUCK went down in san francisco did they hook up and sex was so good it scared them#and now they have to live with that tension and they're scared of crossing that line#nah i'm guessing with these two they just REALLY clicked. like. they were an instant match and they knew it#but grissom didnt want to lose focus on work or whatever and they lived in separate states you know#but oh my god i totally get sara. grissom is such a silver fox. he's like one of the hottest old men i've ever seen in my life#you know what i 100% get tumblr sexualizing old men it's completely valid i'm in this now too#he has this LOOK. whenever he's angry at a suspect. and he looks angrily at them. i'm chewing on my keyboard just remembering it#and his smirks#AND THE WAY HE LOOKS AT SARA#im losing my mind#i love all of gil grissom but seasons 4-5 jesus fucking christ#ok enough with the sexualizing i love him as a character SO MUCH. he's absolutely fantastic#one of the things i love the most about him is that he doesn't judge people. whenever the team is confused about someone#or this persons' lifestyle#he's always trying to understand them and not judge them#like a true scientist he wants to understand the nature of things and people#and he's such a sweetheart i love him so much#like there are so many things i love about him i can't fit them all in the tags. same for sara#they're a perfect match for me
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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it's just one of those days
#in which i am very depressed and start to hate everything about myself#like. today i hate being non binary. the fuck is that about#i dont have the balls to go full trans man so i just kinda sit on the fence#i know. i know its a bad thing to think. i cant help it sometimes i feel like#like i should just cut the shit and idk live my life as a woman even though i know im not#but since im to much of a coward to explore my gender idk maybe i should just do that huh#and thats it for the self hating today! goodnight!
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Hey so uh.
I dont think voting is the only solution. Nor will it necessarily get us what we want immediately. And i think protest is more important and more effective.
However.
Conservatives. Would. Not. Be. Trying. To. Make. Voting. Impossible. And. Taking away. Actual voting places from marginalized areas. .
If it meant ABSOLUTELY nothing.
Hope that helps.
✌️
#if it makes me a lib to just even ACKNOWLEDGE that fact. then i think ur probably an entirely irrational person.#very. very sorry for wanting to do everything i can. very sorry.#its almost like... you can protest...... and also.... vote.........#its almost like voting in of itself at this point is kinda a protest since theres places w voting booths being removed or people who have#to drive miles just to vote. like. i kinda think it means somethin here pal.#like. republicans dont want us to vote. it benefits them when we dont. it also benefits them when you're riddled with nihilistic apathy.#u probably feel so defeated that u probably dont even think debate matters or means anything at all#whatever. im bored of you and your personality.#its this type of nihilistic thinking that leads to accelerationism. you think fuck it. lets just let the republicans win. show the world#how bad they are. thinking that will make people finally stand up. but the problem is people are cowards. and they wont. and i dont think#its worth taking the chance on and rolling the dice on when the outcome of letting republicans win is very likely to be genocide.#and i really really dont think being smug and all 'i told you so' to libs is worth it enough for vast amounts of people. people you#probably care about. being killed in swathes. i really really dont think letting things get Worse on Purpose is a great idea#and it honestly makes you look like an evangelical republican who thinkis climate change is a smite from god.#bc functionally you're doing the fucking same thing. instead though you're pretending its a smite from you.#i kinda firmly believe that accelerationism is a intellectual bystanders excuse for not doing shit. like genuinely just sitting there#watching ppl suffer to prove a point. gtfoh
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#my posts#...........................................................................................................................................#............................................................................................................................................#is that enough i think that's enough#yeah that's how its going#everything's been getting worse and I've been feeling very bad but also very pathetic and like complaining almost makes me feel worse but#i can't do anything else about this so like. vent post lmao bc I'm a dumbass#i truly just want to(redacted)but one of those isn't an option and the other i have a drs appointment soon and i don't want to explain that#everything is just. bad. and what isn't i feel like it's getting bad and it's my fault. and I'm probably right.#just. i hate it here#the deserving mentality is truly getting to me and i fucking hate it. it's not logical. I'll still agree with it.#i truly don't deserve the food stuff i can't keep in my life and i deserve the shit that in getting and i can't stop agreeing with that#'oh this classmate wants to have lunch with me on Saturday after working on something! i should cancel before it's too late-#-so i can continue feeling bad for being an apple bc people should hate me bc I'm horrible and don't deserve kindness' like#it's. it's false. it's not logical. and yet#everyone else there's the fucking plexiglass wall and where it wasn't i think it's getting formed and it is my fault probably#i am annoying that one is true#.... I've been making posts like this all day and deleting them bc I'm pathetic also. it's.#... there's a little too much going on lmao#nothing's worth it and i feel like shit and anything i could try to do about it doesn't work and I'm just tired#... in case someone does read this i know it sounds worrying but nothing will happen tbh I'm just a pathetic coward who's sad and tired#and tired of being sad in a way that feels like it's getting worse#I'm not very sure when was the last time i felt. this bad in just. i don't know how to make it stop lmao#also in already annoying so this is all i can do i think lmao#i think I'm seeing now I'm just. being redundant and if i keep this up too much i will delete this. and i should but. i don't think i will#also without saying much this year the one thing™ has been worse than usual and that's not helping either so it truly is just.#that everything is kinda very bad#.... yeah. whatever. it's just.¯\_(ツ)_/¯#... i truly wish killing myself was still an option like when i was a teen bit it's not so i just have to deal with whatever this is#... i hate being aware this is all super illogical bc the logical post of my brain teams up making me feel worse somehow.
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#i need to stop doing this. but i just. i.....#.....I'll probably fall asleep minutes after i post this#so if you message me about it and i don't reply that's why#but i just#............fuck I'm trying so hard#it doesn't seem to matter#no matter how much i get done or accomplish it's never enough I'm always ten steps behind where i need to be to even reach net zero#not even the point of making progress. the point where i can so much as rest#I'm so tired. im so tired. nothing i think of works nothing i try is ever the right thing#i know from the outside looking in i may not seem like a burden i may even seem like an uplifting person to be around#but I'm a burden.#i am. I'm not self deprecating. it's a fact. it's just a fact.#as i am now i am a resource sink and i need too much help and i can't really be independent#and yet i don't really have a choice#so at present whoever i live with (currently my husband) gets stuck taking care of me because i just fall short in so many ways#.....i can't do anything right#nothing i do seems to matter. i can't.... i can't do anything#fuck#I'm just repeating myself I'm almost certain but#...............why can't i have a decent idea for once#all this confidence and i just keep fucking up anyway#worked so hard on being confident in myself that i don't match up to my own expectations now#i#.............fuck#everything hurts so badly#I'm so tired#....I'm so tired#....................if anyone happens to live in Minnesota and wants to just. come shoot me dead hit me up#im too much of a coward to do it myself
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currently thinking abt the despair disease and the character analysis potential it brings
#literally the best motive in the whole franchise <3333#i regularly think abt how it affected komaeda. he got the fucking Liar Disease#why? because he is completely and fully sincere in everything he does#he lies occasionally yes but overall he is honest and hides nothing#he’s an incredibly earnest person. that’s what makes him so scary#and it’s also why the liar disease would be the perfect source of despair for him. makes a lot of sense#personally i don’t believe that despair disease gives you the ‘opposite’ trait#just a trait you would hate to have or is very uncharacteristic of you#i mainly think that bc the opposite of ibuki isn’t ‘gullible.’ but she probably doesn’t like listening to others (punk and eccentric)#so the gullible disease that forces her to always believe what she’s told is despair inducing#and akane! obviously she’s very good at compartmentalizing#she never seems to show fear. ever!#as such the coward disease is Mortifying. she hates being anxious and she hates showing it even more. literal hell i’ve been there girlie#so overall. i think it’s a great way to analyze a character#obvi with komaeda it’s an EXCELLENT analysis tool bc it’s basically a roundabout truth serum#if everything you say is a lie then all you need to do is reverse it and that’s the full genuine truth#so we get confirmation of things with him. like his desire for companionship. and his genuine distress when he wants to tell everyone to be#hopeful but all he can say is ‘despair’- he gets so worked up about it that he collapses#i also like to imagine what it would have been like with other characters#what would hajime have? i’ve seen an honesty disease. i’ve also seen a happy disease#both are great. i think he has a good few options#personally though i think the thing that would stress him out a Ton would be an affectionate disease#not in like a silly friend ‘i hug everyone’ way#but in a ‘tells everyone specifically what qualities he admires about them and is vulnerable to others’ way#i think he’d be MORTIFIED. haji’s a very blunt snarky person#and he does have a lot of affection for his friends but it’s mostly shown in a teasing manner#he’s also quite closed off about his own insecurities. AND he finds komaeda incredibly offputting#to wake up one day and start both genuinely making himself vulnerable and praising everyone nagito-style would actualky be hell for him#maybe call it the admiration disease. or affectionate disease depends on ur perspective#other character have interesting possibilities too (even dr1 + v3) but I Care Hinata so. he gets spotlight for a sec
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OBVIOUS NOTE OF "GUYS I HAVE THE MEDIA LITERACY NEEDED TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IS AND ISNT A PIECE OF MEDIA ADVOCATING FOR A BAD THING AND I KNOW WHAT BAD WRITING AND PACING IS" BUT LIKE. *JAZZ HANDS* THIS IS GONNA BE ON MY OWN TIME AND SHIT N READ THE REST OF THE POST AND BLOCK ME IF NEED BE BUT IM GONNA BE AT SOME POINT WATCHING THE H*LLAVERSE AND D*MP(CENSORED TO LEAVE THIS OUT OF SEARCHES SORRY)
ALSO IM MAKING THIS CLEAR BC IK IVE BEEN VAGUE ABOUT IT BEFORE AND I DONT WANT ANY EXTRA HARASSMENT OR FOR ANYONE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH IT TO TAKE ISSUES. UH BC IVE BEEN ON THE FENCE BOUT IT IM JUST MAKING THE CHOICE NOW. NO MORE DOUBLE GUESSING STUFF I WANT TO WATCH FEHFBSFBSSFB IF ITS BAD ITS BAD AND ILL PIRATE IT ANYWAYS AND IF IT DOESNT DESERVE ANY ATTENTION IT SURE AS HELL WONT GET IT FROM ME BUT I FIGURE THIS IS JUST. A BETTER CHOICE FOR ME TO STOP GUILTING MYSELF WHICH HAS JUST BEEN A HORRIBLE THING WHENEVER I SEE ANYTHING I WANT TO AT LEAST CHECK OUT AND IM SICK AND TIRED OF PUTTING SOME PEOPLE IVE TALKED TO TWICE OVER MY OWN HEALTH IN THE WEIRD ASS GUILT TRAUMA SPIRALS I KEEP FORCING MYSELF INTO
SO THIS IS PROBABLY THE ONLY POST ON THIS TOPIC IM MAKING BC IVE BEEN SO BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN "MAN THIS IS GREAT FOR ME" AND "OH GOD THE TRAUMA" LOL
BASICALLY THIS HAS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING AND MAYBE THISLL BE LIKE THE HORROR THING WHERE I RLY LIKE IT AND I TRY TO HOLD BACK BOUT IT BUT END UP OBSESSED BUT MORE LIKELY THAN NOT THIS IS JUST GONNA BE A HEADSUP FOR ANYONE UNCOMFORTABLE W LIKE THE TWO BIGGEST TARGETS FOR "IRREDEEMABLE MEDIA" BC ITS LIKE. VERY FAIR TO BE UNCOMFORTABLE W EM AND I DONT BLAME U AT ALL SO I WANT TO MAKE SURE UR WARNED
REPETITIVE POST IK AND IF YOU ARE LIKE. MY FRIEND FRIEND AND YOU DONT WANT ME TO LET ME KNOW AND IF I RB ANYTHING IT WILL BE TAGGED AND EVERY SINGLE DISCLAIMER I JUST. WANT TO MAKE SURE PEOPLE KNOW AND IM CLEAR ABOUT THIS FOR EVERYONES SAFETY, EVEN IF ITS SOMETHING SMALL LIKE THIS. MY APOLOGIES AGAIN, SERIOUSLY IF YOU ARE LIKE. A FRIEND FRIEND I WILL TAKE UR OPINION ON THIS DW
#THIS ISNT GONNA APPLY TO LIKE. SOUTH PARK OR HARRY POTTER OR SOMETHING. BUT LIKE. AND TLDR THIS IS JUST ME HAVING HISTORY W MEDIA#BUT ITS IN A ''BAD PEOPLE ARE THE MAIN REASON I HAVE THE PASSIONS THAT I HAVE AND WANT TO ANIMATE AND ENJOY WHAT I ENJOY#AND I WANT TO AT LEAST DECIDE FOR MYSELF IF ALL THEYVE DONE IS AS BAD AS PEOPLE SAY BC IK THEYRE THAT BAD BUT I WANT TO AT LEAST SEE WHERE#THAT PASSION WENT TO AND IF NOTHING ELSE MAYBE ALL THE MEANSPIRITED POSTS WILL BE RIGHT AND ITLL BE FUN TO LAUGH AT. AND IM SURE THERES#STUFF THATS SHITTY IN THERE. I KNOW THERE IS IN FACT. BUT I DUNNO IM TIRED OF BEING TOLD HOW BAD EVERYTHING IS FROM FUCKING HOMESTUCK FANS#LIKE BUDDY IM NOT NEW TO THIS IK THERES WORSE SHIT IN OUR WEBCOMIC. I SEE SOME OF U RBING SOUTH PARK STUFF AND THEN DECIDING THATS#TOO INTENSE AND I DUNNO MAN MAYBE ITS ALL PERSPECTIVE MAYBE IM JUST TIRED OF BEING A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE COWARD ABOUT EVERYTHING#BUT POINT IS FUCK EVERYONE WHO WAS A JERK BOUT IT IM GONNA BE WATCHING THAT SHIT ON MY OWN TIME AND IT DOESNT HAVE TO BE UR BUSINESS#SO DONT MAKE YOUR DEATH THREATS MY BUSINESS'' WAY#AND MAYBE THATS ALL NONSENSE AND SHIT BUT THIS IS YEARS COMING AND IVE DECIDED IM WEEDING OUT THE ASSHOLES#AND IK I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF THIS MUCH BUT MAN I AM TERRIFIED OF BEING MISUNDERSTOOD. ANYWAYS. ���. ✌.
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no cuz im not fucking crazy how do you read this and not lose ur fucking mindddd. like this is coming from seto, seto who has been characterized and shown to love all types of animals from cats dogs birds and deers and look into their minds and chat w them is talking for the first time about how he Dislikes an animal like that should already be 🚨🚨🚨🚨 alarms going off. and then a few passages later there you go the reason why seto, animal lover extraordinaire, cant stand cicadas is bc they remind him of his family and friends, CUZ THEYRE BOTH GONNA DIE IN THE SUMMER.....BWBHJEBFHJ
#yes im posting abt this again IDCCCC its just so crazy good. the subtlety and restraint used throughout seto's pov is so deliberate and#effective like OH MY GOD. GGEFOOH#with a power like seto's like Guy Who Knows About The Timeloop#its so easy to create like a villain type character. a yandere. a protag. a hero#so to write a coward who doesnt do anything abt it out of trauma and fear#and not just any coward but a coward designed to blend in the background#bc his powers is all abt stealing things without you noticing. him knowing about everything without anyone noticing#INCLUDING YOU THE REAL LIFE READER CUZ ITS WRITTEN SO SUBTLY#dudeeeeeeeeee. DUDE i fucking love this shit#i really really really like when a character not getting a lot of focus ends up being DELIBERATE#its such a delicious writing choice. usually reserved for villains and heroes#so for it to be used on seto whose just a coward is like devastating. and amazing. i love this character#seto tag#kgprambling
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fucking obsessed with s1e13's doctor who confidential where they're like: and here's a montage of the doctor being traumatised
#iconic of them frfr#doctor who#doctor who confidential#it is also actually killing me#thank you for the highlight reel of everything i loved about nine#he's angry and he's hurting and he hates as much as other versions of him love#hes my first doctor and hes the version of him that had me being like pacifist? really?#he's not a coward and that makes him so much worse#fucking obsessed with him
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