#i dont have the balls to go full trans man so i just kinda sit on the fence

[theonpilled]

it's just one of those days

[goblin-enjoyer]

wee bit of a secret vent posty type deal to be shoved into the middle of the night.

title is accurate. move on if you don't wanna ready some random biz about me complaining about gross stuff.

so recently ive been researching estrogen and its effects. real basic stuff, estimated times for things, general list of stuff, warnings etc etc. and it sounds pretty great. slower and lesser growth of facial and body hair would improve my opinion of my body so much. from "ew I hate having to look and feel this" to maybe an "I feel clean again, I'm fine with not always wearing long socks when going out or wearing a long bathrobe when wearing pajama shorts". soft skin is always nice as my most comfortable positions usually are the ones where my body is wrapped around myself. it also would go well with the prior mentioned thing. from what ive read, less erections and less sperm and ejaculation. Which would be SO good for me. i hate being asleep, having a nice nonsensical dream, then BOOM everything pauses and starts to fade as i quickly have to do a bloody quick time event and concentrate and wake up fast enough before my waste of biomass tube detonates unwanted waste material. like the amount of times i have had to take a 6 am walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up and put on a fresh pair of pj pants is way higher than it ever should be. I know its a gross subject (mostly to my aro/ace flesh hating ass) but a little relief of "oh the balls produce less of this so at least there's a chance that it might be longer periods of time between this event" would do wonders for my mental. but here's where the venting starts coming in hot. How do people know their trans? like I'm not trying to be rude or anything but how do people come to that conclusion? Because I just cant fully relate to what I've seen and it just feels kinda icky that my brain cant just pick and stay on what it wants me to be. Do I want to be a woman specifically? eh no not fully. while I hate the flappy weak spot that is a penis, I really like having the option to either stand or sit while peeing. and its not like I'm using it for anything else, its a small tube that I use for waste removal, the reproductive functions are vestigial. I'm an aromantic asexual and I very much know it, anyone who knows me for a decent chunk of time knows it. I have no use for cum or erections. the only time i get an erection is when I forget to go to the bathroom before going to bed and wake up with a full bladder. no horny shiz just bad resource management. I would LOVE if my cylinder produced less and was just in general smaller and less "functional". do i want to be a man specifically? ZOG NO. i dont want to be all bulky and hairy. i dont want have the expectations of that. i know that builds are all different and that but i dont want to look like my father, i dont want to look like my mother either. no hate to them i love my parents, its just i dont want to be this noticeable person? Ugh writing how i feel about things is hard, but this is a vent post and it doesn't have to be comprehendible. I wish i could just be lean, boney and hard to make out from a distance. yet i still want nice and soft skin. but i dont want to be all that feminine presenting, nor masculine presenting. i want to just be that guy, you know what i mean? guy used in the most gender neutral way possible. maybe androgynous is the word. I would be totally fine using pretty much any pronoun. heck i think it would feel pretty good and nice and stuff to be called a girl, go by she her, while also just being a guy with he him. if i could go by any pronouns i would. it would feel just splendid, great even. to just not have to deal with the game and just go with the flow of things. I just wish my body/brain could decide on what it wants. because the big thing with estrogen is that it gives you breasts. Do I want breasts? I.. just don't know. all brain signs in my mind think it would feel good having boobs, breasts, tits, honker bo donkers, whatever you call them. but also my brain also screams at me that having them would be a complete burden to my life. [REACHED POST LIMIT CONTINUEING IN REBLOG]