#so to write a coward who doesnt do anything abt it out of trauma and fear

[mekatrio]

no cuz im not fucking crazy how do you read this and not lose ur fucking mindddd. like this is coming from seto, seto who has been characterized and shown to love all types of animals from cats dogs birds and deers and look into their minds and chat w them is talking for the first time about how he Dislikes an animal like that should already be 🚨🚨🚨🚨 alarms going off. and then a few passages later there you go the reason why seto, animal lover extraordinaire, cant stand cicadas is bc they remind him of his family and friends, CUZ THEYRE BOTH GONNA DIE IN THE SUMMER.....BWBHJEBFHJ

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 140818 - 2

im suicidal and i low key want everyone to unfollow and block so i can write my psycho rants in peace i honestly think i got bpd or smth. ive also checked ptsd multiple times but i dont remember my trauma and i dont have any dreams abt it since in fkn adopted. my whole life had been a trauma. 

im so fucking tired of my dad. i dont think ive gotten a single fucking apology in my whole life from him. 

when we were younger my little sister got scared and never dared to tell him when she broke or lost something cus he always made her cry. he always got soooo angry but always pretended he wasnt angry at us, but he obviously was. i used to cry too but instead i got angry because i’ve always been the problematic kid so i always started to scream at him instead. i still do cus im still problematic

one time when i was 16 i was on my way to the first party at my upper high school. i was looking forward to it so much because i suffered through junior high because of all the white rich racist snobs. i was happy bc i had finally been able to make some friends and after my parents divorce, friends were the only place i felt sade. but then dad suddenly calls me and starts to yell at me, accusing me of stealing his money (aka $2). ive never felt so betrayed and humiliated. my own dad didnt believe me. ”well your sister said she didnt, so it must be one of you two”. 

turns out it was my sister and she was too afraid to say something so my ugly fucking dad decided to ruin my whole fucking night and i embarrassed myself because i cried in public because i was so frustrated of not being believed. she admitted to mom. i never got an apology from any of them but i didnt say anything because i knew my sister was too scared. she never blamed it on me, she just said she didnt do and. and dad did the rest

one time a classmate of mine told me about her abusive dad and how he used to grab her by the neck when she did something ”wrong” and chase after her, maybe even hitting her. our dad never got physical with us but this is obviously emotional abuse. yesterday was the night i finally admitted it to myself. our dad is abusive and he’s one the reasons im so abusive myself. ive known for long, but i love him and i tried for so long. i kept fighting him cus i wanted to believe he was able to change but he’s not. he doesnt even understand. i hate him for that, i hate him for making me the monster i am today.

his first instinct is always to accuse. like yesterday evening for example where he helps me with my phone (he’s not the most technical one). something he thinks will work doesn’t work but an ”error” pops up and he immediately mutters ”what have you done now...” i get furious because i’m tired of all these microaggressions and he agitated me earlier this evening with his ignorance and refusal to change aka ”there will always be injustice and classism, why dont you become a poltician instead”. i tell him to apologize and he guilt trips me, accusing me of being sensitive, always mistunderstanding his words and now he’s ”not going to talk to me anymore” ”since he cant say anything”. i get even more angry and he tells me to shut up. it sounds harsher in swedish, so i’d probably translate it to ”shut the fuck up” instead. i walk away, obviously done with his bullshit 

emotional abuse. i could never tell him that though. i mean i could and i’ fucking did but his dumb ass never listens. not even after mom divorced him he listens. he never does. hes so ruined that he always blames it on everyone else for being sensitive. he thinks hes kind and understanding when he says ”im sorry YOU FEEL that way” because he doesnt understand its not ME or MY feelings. its me, my mom, and my sister. its a fucking fact that hes emotionally abusive, its not something we just FEEL. but theres no idea arguing with him because he will only get angry. as usual.

its gotten better through the years. not because he has learnt anything, but because we are older, not little children anymore. he’s never like this with adults. mom said it was different techniques on her, because she’s an adult and was his wife. he would probably get sad reading all of this but he wouldnt show it and i wouldnt care because he wouldnt apologize and he wouldnt understand. thats his weakness and that will be his doom. 

nothing ever changes in this family. my dad keeps being an emotional abuser while im the only one saying something. my older brothers left me and my little sister during our parentes divorvve. my little sister is always the quiet one while im always the annoying aggressive one. im always on my own fighting. but i never get any appreciation. no one asks me how i am feeling. my sister never asks me, never hugs me. i know she loves me and i hope shes thankful for always standing up against our dad, always protecting her ever since we were kids. i know she doesnt like my ways all the time, that she dislikes when im fighting and yelling but at least i do something. the only one listening is mom but we fight too sometimes. i just wish i wasnt so lonely. me and my closest to age brother could maybe talk, could maybe be closer if he didnt betray us, betray ME like that. ffs he was 21 when they divirced. a grown ass man. i was 11, i was going through another abandonment. i lost everything. the money, my parents, my family. everything i was proud of and thought was safe. we could maybe talk if he wasnt so uncomfortable and unserious. i know he talks to mom and i know mom, me and him are the only one thinking in this god damn family. but he left me. i wish my sister could give me some love. i know she cares but she never shows me. i love her the most in our family. we’re the only chinese adoptees and i feel like i need to protect her. i try not to cry in front of her but i just wish she could give me something. i know theres nothing i can do about it. i tried to pressure her when we were younger but she only withdrew even more. i was always the one trying. im always the one trying, speaking up. im always painted as the problematic unstable one but i’ve gone through the most shit in this family. i came as a crying and screaming baby. i was afraid of everything, always crying. and thats what i’ve always been. always the crying one, the one who cant control her feelings. always the lazy one because ive been to scared to try things. no one appreciates me. im not perfect and i hate myself for it. im paranoid and i have abusive tendencies. i got major abandonment issues and i used to text people a lot. i dont do that anymore. i never answer anymore because no one cares and im too scared of making new friends.

i know im not perfect but i also know my bf would miss me if i stopped texting him. i know my sister will miss me when i move away. she will never stand up against dad and a part of me wants to stay protecting her but im tired. i dont get anything. never a thank you. never a nod. i dont know how she feels. i only from what mom tells me. she never joins me or helps me. only when its herself. ONLY when its about her. she never takes my side. i never blamed her for it. i always blamed dad. i hated my vrothers for leaving me, but not her because shes my baby sister. but im tired. im exhausted and i never get anything. my family abandoned me so i invested in friends instead. they could be my third family. but they abandoned me too. my issues got in the way and they abandoned me. at the same time i went through an abortion at age 17. my mom abandoned me because of her own mental illbess and my boyfriend abandoned me because of his cowardness. at the same time i had the biggest indentity crises and i started to miss my own mom, my actual mom, like crazy. no one was there for me. maybe my adoptive mom tried her hardest but she’s white, she suffered from PTSD for 7 years herself, she wasnt like dad, but she wasnt enough. no ones enough. no one can save me. no one can save me. not even my beautiful boyfriend who loves me so much and who i’ve been a total fkn abuser to. no one can save me. my mom got surprised when we watched a documwntary about killers and i said i think like that. i feel like that. i feel like that could be me. she said ”not could you have killed anyone” but ive wanted to. ive dreamt about it. ive wanted to kill everyone on this earth. ive wanted to kill myself and everyone i hold dear. and when people say ”those abusers and nasty murderers deserve no love. they’re lost” i feel like murderering them extra slow. no one ever loved me. i was never loved. i came here only to serve as a child to a middle class white western couple. no one cares about my mother. no one cares about me. my trauma was only me being difficult and me being difficumt was only bc of what happened in china, never bc of what they did. white people are never weong. the damage adoptees go through is only BEFORE the adoption. never after. white people are perfect. so perfect people want more to adopt us. cus we’re only dolls to you. we’re just children you can send back and forth. no one cared that i was all alone my 2 first years. that i was shipped back and forth like a toy. no one cared about me when they placed me in sweden, the whitest country next to our neighbors, denmark, norwat and finland. no one cared about me when they placed me in a family that would divorce. where the mom would get ptsd for 7 year, not work and no money. dad is emotionally abusive and emotionelly inaccessible. no one cared about me when i missed my mom. when i started to read about racism and sexism and colonialism and classism. no ones ever cared about me and im tired. no one can save me. ive been fighting my whole life. ive been fighting for basic things like love and safety. im never loved. im never safe. im always fighting, always chasing something i’ll never get

i remember when this was everday. when i felt like this everydsy and thought i would die everyday. the only one by my side my boyfriend who i am incapable givning the love and appreciation he deserves. i dont want this to come back. tomorrow i’ll be fine. tomorrow everything will be forgotten. my dad will never ever applogoze for anything. my sister will never ever give me any kind of love. everything will be normal tomorrow but nothing will be solved. im cursed. im cursed. im cursed. im cursed. im doomed. i will never escape these thoughts and feelings. im doomed to suffer. no matter what i do, no matter how much i try its always weong. no one cares. im so lonely. i miss my mom. i wish i was aborted or that i could stat with her. even if i was unhapoy with her she’s at least be my real mom. at least i’d commit suicidw like a normal person. i dont feel like a normal person. i feel like a demon. i feel like a monster.

im very very suicidal right now. i always feel like i have to threaten with suicide but i know no one would care. and that sucks. ive thought about faking my death but my dad is so abusive he’d just get mad at me. so i just couldnt help myself cus i had a big ass anxiety attack so i straight up told him he he wouldnt care if i died. he didnt. he shut the balcony door. so i panicked even more and screamed when i commit suicide he will regret himself, he will regtet. when i commit suicide it will be his fault. no reaction. he was embarrassed. he said ”i dont want the neighbors to hear when youre so sad and angry” so i literally throw a pillow over the tanke and break something and i automatically get scared and then to my room to call mom and i scream so much. i feel like im dying.

i guess i feel better now or whatever cus i was able to talk to my mom but wow our dad is really fucked up. i hate that i cant get people to live me in a healthy why though. i always have to do smth dramatic like killing them or treathening with suicide. but the very fact that i had to go that far for my dad to come and give me a weak hug and after another 5 minutes arguing say ”sorry” cus he just ekot saying ”i usually apologize” and ”i already said that was dumb of me” but literally cant say s-o-r-r-y makes me SO ANGRY. i shouldnt have to commit suicide for my family to care

after everything ive done for my sister and show never gives me any love. after everything ive been through. im standing up against our dad for her too. ive always done. because ove always been the angry kid. always always, and she’s always been te quiet kid. ive done so much for her, ive protected her so much because i know she’s scared of him. i know she’s scared of me too. but she never asks me how im feeling. she never says she loves me or qppreciates me. no one does. she can tell our mom she appreciates that i stand up but never tell me. and NEVER side with me against dad. im always aloen and im so weak and tired. im only doing this because i already have the label as an angry kid. 

i was angry when i was adopted. i was screaming all the time. i was angry and anxious because ive been abandoned multiple times’ and had to deal with these white foreigners i didnt understand. and my mom left me for dad to take care of. she felt like a bad parent and let dad raise me like the unstable psychopath i am today. he always seemed to blame me. theres a reason i feel like the angry annoying kid and that i have no self esteem. it must be from him. probably my whole family, but mainly from him. i was angry when i was adopted, i was angry when my orents divirced, i was angry when i reqlized what a horrible colonial practice international transracial adoption is. all for both me and my sister. because i love her the most in this fucked up family. cus we’re the only chinese adoptees

i hate that i want to revenge through suicide. i hate that im so unhealthy and that i had to go through all of this. i hate all those fucking ”good ppl will not let themselves get broken, they will be kind” fuck you ive been fighting my whole fucking life. these are the quotes that triggers me enogh to kill somebody. ”youre just as bad as your emotionellt abusive dad, as the white pol, the rich, the men who exploited you and separates you from your mother and left you with mental illness and issues that make you uncapable of being loved”

the only thing keeping me alive is the thought of one day going back to china. the only thing keeping me aliev is the thought of being able to avtually help people with my story or knowlege. to help other adoptees or fight for chinese womens rights or smth. thats the only thing. if my life turns out like nothing i’ve been suffering in vain. no one ever needed me. no one ever wanted me. ive always been the only one needing them. the only way for me to heal would be to help others so i can forgive myself. i hate my dad for fuxking me up even more than necessary. i was boound to get these issues sooner or later but the manipulation and absue he gave me will i always hate him for. why did i turn out like this but not my sister? why didnt my sister become a monster like this? and what hurts the most is that i was once proud of my family and my dad. i love him and he took care of me the most. the reason he gave me these fkn issues

[xelere]

tw long rant cus i need to breathe

wow the fight i had with dad that made me depressed af.... i had it now with my white brother and his wife and partly with my mom too

they talked abt having their kids kidnapped would be the worst and i jokingly said ”haha thats me” cus i need to deal with it

and my brother starts to lecture me and then just completely insensitive says ”but werent you abandoned on the streets i dont think china-” oh here we go again

my kind but weak mom goes; ”no actually a police station” as if that was any better??? she has NEVER stood up for me, no one has. maybe she wants to and agrees with me cus shes the smartast in our family but she never had the GUTS to and the same for my other brother they be agreeing or at least UNDERSTANDING and maybe RESPECT me a little but nor enough to ever have mt back those fkn pussies

then we start to fight and i start to cry again cus im so FRUSTRATED AND ANGRY of having a white family and i CANT EVER REST I CANT REST ANYWHERE WHERE IS MY FUCKING SAFE SPACE CAN I BREATHE

and then his wife goes ”but linn.... now im getting angry you cant just accuse him of being subtle racist!!” and shes always quiet an i always thought she was lile smarter than my stupid brother but obviously.... not

and i just give up.... im a fcking minority in my own family. not to get too personal but my little sister would never have the guts to do this cus shes afraid of conflicts. i ALWAYS have to shut the fuck up in family reuinions. and just because i came with trauma, i was an angry and anxious baby, always screaming and thanks to that being labelled as ”problematic and annoying and angry” by everyone who didnt know how to handle me - thanks to that people STILL think they have the right to silence me. im a grown ass woman, im fucking 19 years old and everyone in my family still rolls their eyes at me and goes ”but linn....”

im so fucking tired. im so fucking tired. and i say that. i tell them im tired and that this is why i want to die cus thats exactly why and my brother starts to laugh and like.... accuse me and shit for not ving grateful cus he wants ro defend mom or smth like.... excuse me youre her fucking biolocigal son you have your own fkn mother right here and everyone in this ugly country looks and thinks wxacrly like you

honestly im too tired to write all this shit down cus i could go on for ages in literalky gonna WRITE A FUCKING BIOGRAPHY ONE DAY IM JUST SO FRUSTRATED I GOT NO FUCKING WHERE TO VENT GOD I HATW MY FAMILY I GET IT HAVING AN ASIAN ANTIBLACK CLASSIST HOMOPHPBIC FAMILY WOULD BE BAD TOO BUT LIKE....... at least it would be my family at least they would look like me and not be racist against me?

and what makes me the most sad is that my adoptive family is still better than like 90% the only difference eis that most adoptees dont dare to ”come out” like this, criticizing their own adoption bc ffs we’re terrified of being abandoned. its just....... theyre so fucing dumb. they dont know shit about racism or adoption and like.... thats kinda essential. no one repsects me in this family except for my mom but shes a fucking coward, always in the middle. everyone else talks down on me and i didnt notice like YESTERDAY DURING MY LAST BREAKDOWN THAT WASNT ABT ADOPTION BUT WAS ABT MY EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE DAD AND HOW I REALIZED HE ALWAYS TREATED ME AND MY SISTER LILE SHIT AND BLAMES MY TRAUMA ON ME SO NOW MY WHOLE FAMILY TREATS MW LIKE A PROBLEMATIC WEIRD KID

i want to leave this family so sad but i dont have any friends cus im too mentally unstable to keep friends and i also have a little sister i need to protest but FOR FUCKSS SAKE TOURE RUCKING 15 AND YOU DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT BISEXUAL IS like im so done with her too, ive proteced her so much, just because i WAS the angry problematic kid i ALWAYS took the fights for thet cus shes a scared rabbit but she never give me a thank you, never says she appreciates it, always throwing me under the bus when dad accuse us of something and i used to accept it cus i know she was too scared of him BUT AGTER ALL THIS TIME AFTER EVERYTHING IVE DONE FOR HER SHES FUCKING 15 SHE KNOWS I HAVE HER BACK IVE BEEN PRTOEVTING HER EVER SINCE THEIR DIVORCE WHEB OUR GROWN ASS ADULT 21+ BROTHERS LEFT US AND I WAS LIKE FUCKING 11 YEARS OLD I PROTECETED HER AND I NEVER GET ANYTHING AND IF I STOP TALKING TO HER SHE WONT EVWR TALK TO ME BECAUSE THATS HOW ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS WORK

i lost all respect for my brother. i knew he was a racist dumbass but like.... he really sig there and laugh and accuse me and guilt trips me when i tell him his dumb ignorant ass is the reason i want o die. this is why i wanna fake my suicide so i can revenge them but i also dont cus then i’d just give in and be one of all those adoptees who commoted suicide and whos gonna fight for them IF NOT ME CUS I ALWAYS DO FKN EVERYTHING. this is also why i low key think i got bpd or smth cus i always want to kill ppl like my family or myself or why not BOTH

cant wait for tomorrow where i have to face everyone and were gonna pretend like NOTHING happened. you know why i came here with my mom and visited??? BECAUSE I WANTED TO TAKE A PAUSE FROM MY DAD AFTER THE SIMILAR SUICIDE THREATENING PANOC ATTACK FIGHT I HAD LIKE YESTERDAY

i just gotta accept tjat my family is totally shit right? i just gotta live through it? this is why i never wanna have kids in sweden. like yeah i’ll probably still be in contact cus im only human, i love my parents and my family ofc.... but like........ I AM NOT TRUSTING THEM. MY REAL FAMILY IS HONESTLY OTHER WOC ONLINE AND OTHER TRANSRACIAL ADOPTEES (the smart oens not the whitewashed ones i try not to blame them but im really fkn tired lf having to protest them and clean up and defend them)

i remember when i was like this every single day....... i DONT WANT IT TO COME BACK IM SO TIRED HOW MANY TIMES WILL I HAVE TO THREATEN WITH SUICIDE AND SHIT FOR MY FAMILY TO LIEK..... TAKE ME SERIOSULY NO ONE EVER HELPS ME I EVEN GAVE UP ON MY PARENTS I WANTED THEM TO READ ON RACISM BUT THEY REFUSED AT ELAST MY DAD, SO I KNOW I ONLY GO WITH STOP TRIGGERING ME BUT LIEK...... IVE THOUGHT SO MICH FOR MY MOM TO BE QHERE SHW IS TODAY WHOCH IS LIKE THIS COWARD BUT AT LEAST SHE CLMFLRTS ME AFTERWARDS AND IM TOO TIRED TO HAVE TO CONVERT AND EDUCATED MY WHOLE FKN FAMILY WHEN THEY DONT DO SHIT TO LEARN FOR ME

i just gotta smile and wave and pretend to love my brother when he didnt do shit when they divorced, mom got ptsd and i went through AT LEAST A THIRD ABANDONMENT, and he doesnt do shit now all he thinks about is how i accuse him of being racist cus he doesnt understand systems and structures which i blamed it on but tbh he’s the famiöy’s racist he really is hems always been cus hes so fkn stupid he’s joked abt muslims and chinese and black ppl and everything im only pretending its the systematic so my mom doesnt get angry lmao but he.... IS..... not ONLY like all the other white people..... but he IS...... for real

and giys..... i left so much of my anger out in this post cus im too tired and mt phone is gonna die but that vreqkdown i had recently....... i wrote like 50+ posts and theyre SOOOOO LONG and also more wellwritten im just saying to give you a perspektivet of how ISOLATED AND DESPERATE I AM IM DESPERATE BITCHES I HINESTLY THINK IM GONNA DIE IF I KEEP STAYONG HERE I WANT TO ASIA I WANT TO SOMEWEHRE MULTICULTURAL I WANT FRIENDS I AM GOING TO DIE IM GOING TO DIE IM DYING IM DYING AND IF IM DYING IM GONNA BRING DOWN MY WHOLE FAMILY AND EVERY WHITE PERSON AND EVERY NON ADOPTEE WITH ME