#*granted only one of us was part of the original but this time we actually sung lmao

[whatislifebesidesrehearsal]

[Run Crew in booth preshow, collectively singing Hamilton]

Stage Tech: We're like the.. what was it, Backstage Boys

Sound Op: We're Getting The Band Back Together!

[fen-luciel]

The witches' covenant

Part.1 part.2

Here's the smut story I promised. It was supposed to be short, but of course, I dragged it out. I'm not yet sure if it will be divided into two or three parts, as the original draft is becoming darker than initially intended.

I hope you enjoy it.

WARNINGS!

Smut/Manipulation/coven/dubious consent

Witch reader X Sith Qimir

There are things you take for granted in life.

Breathing is a rhythmic movement of the body, automatic but fundamental. Maybe no one ever explained to you how or why, but you know it works that way. It's natural. Maybe you've never asked yourself because you take it for granted.

Growing up in a coven of witches led to asking a lot of questions to which you often didn't get an answer, at least not a sensible one. I still remember the first times I asked my mother about the thread, actually, I don't remember her answer, but I do remember being confused. I think she wanted me to find my own logic, and if needed, she would correct me. But I was ashamed, afraid of saying something stupid, and I felt embarrassed when the older members gave me that amused courteous smile after I had said something silly. I know they didn't mean to judge me, but the knot in my stomach that formed every single time was suffocating. So, I developed a bad habit.

I stopped asking. I would nod, at most I would ask to have the explanation repeated, but I never took the first step. "Do you understand?" I would nod. "Do you have any questions?" I would deny.

Yes, I had questions. I had a lot of them, many of which kept me up at night, like doubts about the thread, about our coven, about our planet, about what was outside the galaxy... but I didn't ask.

I tried to give myself answers. As the years went by, I realized that I wasn't the only one without answers. It was clear that many, like me, blindly followed my mother's will as the head of the coven.

Do you have a doubt? Talk to Aniseya.

Don't know what to do? Aniseya.

Are you suffering? Talk to Mother Aniseya.

Everyone sought answers from my mother, and I could understand why, she was... ethereal.

Always calm, with a warm smile, a gentle hand... she made you feel safe.

When I was younger, one of the things that terrified me the most was the fear that something bad would come to harm us one day. I was too young to give a real shape to the evil, it was more an unpleasant sensation that I imagined, and my mother could perceive it without me saying anything.

So, sometimes, in the evening, when everyone else was asleep, we would go out into the woods alone, with a small light to guide us, and we would reach the golden tree.

I loved that place even though it was another one of those things I couldn't explain since it seemed to be the only tree of its kind. I would rest my head on my mother's lap, and as she gently stroked my hair, she would tell me a lot of different stories, fairy tales, adventures, legends. She seemed to know an infinite number of them. I would have liked to ask her where she had heard them, but even in that case, I didn't ask. And so, every time, the next morning, I would wake up in my room, comfortably lying under the covers, the nightmares completely forgotten... at least for a while.

Growing up, many of those childhood fears disappeared, or I managed to answer them on my own thanks to years of study. However, other doubts occupied my mind.

For example, why were we so isolated from the rest of the world?

Why could we use the power of the thread?

Where did our traditions come from?

How ancient were they?

And how were other witches born?

I had seen pregnant women in the village, I had heard the cries of childbirth, the first cries of the babies, the birth of new life in the world was fascinating even though I had never seen the act in person, being too young or unable to help. But it was what happened before that confused me.

Every five years, a meeting was held, after which ten women would leave the walls of the fortress, and after a few months, they would return expecting.

I didn't know what happened, what they did. I believed there was some sort of ritual I wasn't yet admitted to. I imagined that one day it would happen to me too. As the daughter of the matriarch, I had more responsibilities than the others, I would take my mother's place one day. I imagined I was obliged to participate in any ritual presented to me in the coming years. As I was the future of the coven, one day I would have to create the new generation.

When I was about twelve years old, I realized something was off in my mother's stories and finally decided to ask her a question.

"What is a man?"

The embarrassment was still there, under my skin, but she smiled at me gently. Her answer was cryptic as always, but it made me feel better to hear it. "Everything in the galaxy has its opposite. Light and dark, peace and chaos, ice and fire. Woman and man. And between these opposites, many shades that draw closer until they merge. We are opposites and the same thing at the same time"

I nodded, but as usual, more because I felt stupid asking further.

"So... are men evil?" I tried one last time.

She shook her head.

"Do you think you are pure? Gender is only a physical limit, not a mental one. Don't combine the two, it would be a grave mistake" I was ashamed of that question, but I felt better. I felt like I understood.

Years passed, I began to mature, to train more vigorously, to study even more. I was increasingly involved in meetings, though some were still off-limits to me. And the more I became aware of the thread, the more... something called to me.

At first, it was like an unwanted gaze. I would wake up in the middle of the night believing there was someone with me, but upon waking, the room was intact. I even took extra precautions, but none of the alarms went off. I thought I was just stressed.

But the sensation worsened. I felt chills on my skin when I was in the waking world ready to fall asleep, a light touch that grazed my bare skin. At first, I thought it was the wind. Then, the fabric sliding over me at night. Maybe a chill or pajamas tickling me unintentionally, but that wasn't possible.

It seemed like a physical touch, hands, perhaps a feather, I don't know. But it warmed my skin. I would wake up in the middle of the night, uncomfortable, with a damp sensation between my legs that I had never experienced before. Sometimes, I mistook it for other types of discharge only to check and realize it wasn't what I imagined. I blushed, seeing how wet my underwear had become, leaving a sticky, damp spot in the center, the same liquid trickling between my legs or down the cheeks of my butt.

One evening, whether by luck or misfortune, as I headed to the laundry to leave my panties, I ran into Mother Koril.

"What are you doing awake at this hour? And wandering the corridors, Moreover." her tone always harsh and imperious.

It took an enormous amount of courage to explain to her what was happening, but despite my worst fears, she simply nodded. "It's normal for a girl your age. You shouldn't resist it" She ordered me to hurry and go back to bed, then disappeared down the corridor.

But I didn't understand. Resist it? Resist what? It was just another doubt I couldn't answer.

But now the seed of doubt had been planted. I wanted to understand what she was talking about, to see if I could fix this problem that kept recurring every night.

So, one evening I lay down in bed, making sure I was securely locked in, and against all logical reason, I decided to wear only a light tank top, leaving my lower half uncovered.

The only protection was the bedcovers, but I didn't think it would be a problem.

I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

To this day, I didn’t know exactly what happened that first night. I have scattered and confused memories. I was aware of my body lying on the mattress, but it was completely dark around me, and I couldn't tell if it was because I had my eyes closed or if it was so dark that I couldn't see a hand in front of my face.

All I knew is that the tingling sensation returned, that shiver that ran through my body from my forehead slowly downwards, my nipples hardening as if a gust of cold air made me shiver and even lower on my stomach, finally settling between my legs.

It was a light touch, a slow, long movement that grazed my center externally. I could feel the wetness beginning to seep from my core. Normally, that would have been the moment when I forced myself to wake up, but I repeated Mother Koril's words in my head "let yourself go"

And so I did.

Instinctively, I spread my legs wider, bending my knees, that touch lingering on the bud between my legs that I had never dared to touch in my life, starting to tease me inexorably in a slow, circular motion. I could hear myself panting, my hips moving erratically. It didn't matter if I was trying to escape or seek out that sensation, that touch didn't stop. I didn't understand what was happening, but I could concentrated my internal muscle in one of those natural movements like when I breathed, I did it automatically.

My body knew what I needed, even if I hadn't yet processed it mentally.

It was only a moment later when that caress moved further down where a pool of juices wet my behind that I became clear-headed again.

A pressure pushing into my wet center made me react suddenly, frightened. I woke up, sitting up in bed in one swift motion, as if walking from a nightmare. Moving the covers, I immediately saw the stain spreading and soaking through the sheets' fabric.

I was so ashamed of it that I decided not to tell anyone, tried to dab the stain hoping that it would not be visible the next day, had to dry between my legs with numerous tissues and hissed when I indirectly brushed my still sensitive clit.

I went to sleep with a sense of dissatisfaction that I did not understand.

For two days I pretended that nothing was happening, when I lay down and started to feel that tingling sensation I immediately opened my eyes again, unfortunately in this way the hours of sleep were broken and I rested with more difficulty being slow in everything I did.

On the third day, my mother realised my discomfort and after a particularly bad training session, she took me aside.

"Koril informed me of your conversation the other night" she began.

I could do nothing but tighten my lips in discomfort.

"There is nothing to be ashamed of. Your body is changing as you grow. This is the connection to the thread that shows you the way. You don't have to resist it"

I replied with only a nod of my head.

I didn't understand what she was talking about, what I was resisting but I didn't know who to ask more of, I didn't want to look stupid.

But I trusted my mother.

So that night I tried again.

One thing I realised was that that touch had become more insistent on those evenings that I had run away from it. As if it was chasing me before I woke up, I closed my eyes and could already feel it between my legs.

Again, one new evening I tried against all my primal instincts to let go. One thing I realised was that the sensation I felt on my skin was actually an imitation of a hand's touch, the mornings I showered before joining the others had become a time of personal exploration where I tried to imitate that touch and soon realised that I could actually register that as the caress of a hand on my body. But I did not have the courage to do more.

Instead that evening as I concentrated on breathing in the darkness of my consciousness those phantom fingers returned insistently, they did not lose a second in teasing me by pressing directly on my clit, it was gentle yes, but firm. My legs instinctively spread wide, my hips in the air hungry for touch as that circular motion returned to tease my flesh.

I could feel a steady trickle of juices sliding from me and wetting the mattress as I trembled and tensed.

I gasped open-mouthed, little noises escaped my mouth, I wanted more even though I didn't understand what exactly I was chasing, and then again, that pressure where I needed it most.

There was no doubt when that itch opened my folds pushing deep between my legs, it was like feeling long, thick fingers digging directly into my womb, I panicked as I tried to wake up, but something was blinding me. Someone was tied to me in the wire holding me still and open to whatever was being done to me.

I was stuck with my legs open as that force pressed my inner walls, stretching and teasing me in a slow movement.

I could only continue to whimper as those fingers opened me inexorably.

Everything slippery, the sound of juices coming out noisily from the pressure as yet another caress returned to tease my bud, my swollen, wet flesh trembling from the stimulation, a hint of tears forming at the corners of my eyes, I wanted to look at what or who was doing this to me but it was all dark, I could only feel the mattress beneath me, my arms locked along my sides, my only outlet was in clutching the blankets in my fist.

I felt my body tense up in a vice bordering on painful before that touch continued to force its way into my folds even more deeper than before, I felt like I was going crazy not fully understanding how many fingers were in me, I moaned out loud for the first time as the soft walls stretched to make room, I held my legs open in a desperate search for something more almost hoping it might come in, harder, wetter, a ringing in my ears made everything muffled blocking out the rest of my senses.

And finally almost in a cruel gesture the touch on my clit became faster joining the thrusts in my core, a fire burning my skin, vibrating with a pleasure I had never felt before, a tide flooding my senses rhythmically until I reached the limit I cried out with no voice in my body, the walls contracted around those fingers almost as if they wanted to suck them inside me and these, covered by my fluids, slid easily in and out of me without leaving me a moment to breathe, my clitoris pinched hard one last time making more tears fall from my eyes, my hips galloping the air as I reached the first orgasm of my life.

Maybe I was crazy, but I swore I heard a low voice whispering "Good girl".

When I opened my eyes it was morning, it was like waking up from a nightmare in reality, I had dry skin around my eyes from spilled tears and between my legs a dirty, wet feeling, underneath me the sheet still damp in a stain under my bottom.

I didn't know what was happening, none of it made sense, why was this only happening to me now? And who was on the other end of the line?

By now I was sure of it, someone was luring me during the night hours by drawing my consciousness through the link, but I was still not good enough to be in control of what was going on around me, I was becoming vulnerable in the hands of someone I didn't know, or at least it felt like I didn't know.

Over the next few days I concentrated on searching for that signature in the coven, I found it hard to believe that anyone would dare use the power of the thread on me, I was the matriarch's daughter, I was respected, we were united and yet no matter how hard I searched nothing seemed to resemble what I had felt that night, not to mention that bond itself was silent.

On the one hand I was glad that it was no longer coming to disturb my sleep, but on the other hand... I blushed at the idea of feeling those shivers again, I had even (not without a huge dose of embarrassment) tried to do it on my own, but clearly I was doing something wrong, I was too hard, too hasty and in the end I was left with a sense of incompleteness that irritated me all day long.

I felt used, it seemed like whoever had sought me out had taken what he wanted and then left, it had been so persistent in the beginning and now? I needed... more.

And I knew I wouldn't fight it.

I wasn't a bad student, my mothers were proud of the results I brought I was consistent and diligent, but I improved even more after that experience, I studied harder, more intensely... I would never explain to either of them why I had changed.

And what was I supposed to tell them anyway?

Someone touches me between my legs at night and I realised I want more...? No it was better to avoid.

The subject of private parts was not taboo in the coven, in fact there were specific rituals regarding the sensuality of the body, I didn't know much about them since I wasn't admitted to those yet, but the body is a temple of physical and mental wellbeing and as such should be cared for.

I was simply too embarrassed to ask for more, as usual, I knew more about the medical side of it, but I had never wanted more, I hadn't even thought about it and there weren't really any girls my age to vent to.

All I knew was that by now I had made up my mind.

I would be the one pulling the strings this time and I hoped that whoever was on the other end would respond.

[unabashednightmarepizza]

𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝐴𝑟𝑒 𝐿𝑜𝑣𝑒𝑑, 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝐴𝑟𝑒 𝑆𝑒𝑒𝑛

A/N(1): Considering Gaming is pretty much like me in every aspect and a weird sagau-like thing happened to me where, whenever I make a 10 pull, I always get Gaming and now baby boy is C5 already( THREE of them were on the same pull btw), and that we need to spread more love for him... Here I am with this impulsive piece of work that suddenly came to my mind where us, the reader who is the Creator of Teyvat and all the universes, descends only for him and IS the one who grants Vision to people. (Visions are not some shitty way of controlling people here)

A/N(2): I know Lantern Rite is over but damn, did I loose inspiration to finish this so soon so, I divided this into two parts.

Warnings: Spoilers for Lantern Rite and Gaming's backstory, Reader giving good parenting advice and literally being a grandma who would slap someone with a slipper and commit homicide for children, communication problems between parents and children.

"I think the Creator isn't too fond of me y'know?"

Lumine and Paimon sweated at the mention of your name, the former one rubbing his defeated shoulders for comfort as she looked at her companion.

Paimon worriedly looked up where her mother was as she floated above Gaming, the now peaceful and serene Celestia floating above them with the rightful owner in it. After gathering all your essences back and helping you come back once again - and learning that her emergency food was actually the Creator's daughter-, Lumine had the chance of meeting you quite a lot actually.

The reason for it was pretty simple: Lumine and Paimon had become inseparable.

They had been travelling together for years, all alone with only having each other to rely on. Sure, they made great friendships over the years and they were always happy to reunite with them whenever possible... But none of them could come with them on their journey.

Especially since it was unknown when exactly it would stop.

But although they thought to be alone as they discovered the truth about both Lumine and her brother's story and Paimon's origins... Lumine knew they weren't really all by themselves in such a vast and seemingly endless world.

She could feel it in her soul... With the warmth that never left her ever since she woke up near that shore, the one that had never left her even if she was starting to loose hope, always pushing her to fight for one more day.

There was no way you wouldn't love one of your own child.

"Ahhh... Why do you think so, Gaming? Have you done something to offend Her?" Paimon asks cautiously, with a hint of softness Lumine rarely heard since she was often sarcastic just as you were, as she patted his head warmly with worried eyes. This was one of the rare times that Lumine really saw You in her, that Paimon had more than one thing common with You.

Except Your love for food, that is.

She, better than anyone, knew how You were, after all, as a daughter... She felt your unconditional love even when she had no recollection of, well... Everything that happened.

Even when she didn't know what or who she was, she knew one thing clear: The Creator loved Her creations so dearly... The one on the throne could never be Her.

"Uhhh, Paimon really doesn't think so! Her Highness is known to be so loving and kind and also supportive of Her creations-" she nervously stuttered, looking up to where you were supposed to be as she gave as much comfort as she can. She didn't need to be an expert to know that most of the people in Teyvat adored their Creator, and all of them respected You for... every single thing You did for them.

Including setting new Heavenly Principles to ensure peace all across Teyvat, after millenias of destruction caused by the Usurper which tainted the soil, the very core of Teyvat and the souls of people and gods alike.

Gaming, of course not surprisingly, was one of those who admired you the most. Chenyu Vale, after all, was known for their tea and tea ceremonies, especially those of Adepti and the Creator. The stories of your both heroism and creation was one thing told throughout the land... And then there was the parental ones they had heard and read about thanks to their Archon, Gods and Adepti wanted to preserve for Your and their sake...

To remember those peaceful times they all used to sit with You and eat, drink to their heart's content as they shared stories and what they had been doing with their humans... Before either Barbatos or Menogias and Bosacius "ruining it" with their banter and over all "idiocy" with one of them begging to drink wine with You while the other two argued about the fact that Bosacius shouldn't enter where you are, alongside the ladies, practically half-naked as a mean of respect.

Menogias was not the one describing such events with much disdain, it was Rex Lapis' rather "dislike" towards a certain God of Freedom as those who read your stories sweated awkwardly at his descriptions of " that drunkard who wouldn't stop hogging the Creator all to himself and had no brains too actually give a thing for rules"... All the while You cackled with the "ladies" at the back with a comedic look on your face, betting on how many tries it would take for them to finally agree.

It was good old days... that seemed far, far away from reach as the years passed and now Teyvat was becoming another version of itself, one that You would be proud of no matter what.

Safe to say, most people praised your name and prayed to You through those ceremonies. Liyue and Chenyu Vale were the one who was perhaps the earnest with their belief, and the tea leaves they were proud to grow with Your blessing...

And with the dim-sum they had as a breakfast, to reminisce and pay respect to You and all the Gods who dined with You above the sky once.

But back to the modern days, where three youngsters were having a meltdown for different reasons...

Gaming, because he just told them- two once strangers and now his friends- his biggest secret and insecurity after his problems with father.

Paimon who almost bawled her eyes out from sadness because of the drop of his head like a kicked puppy at the slight sign of his insecurity of failing her mother.

Lumine, because these two were being total dummies and she was wondering how the hell Paimon could be related to You, who was always the logical one and always choose the rational side of things.

"I-I know that, and trust me, I am very grateful to be acknowledged by Her but... Well, I mean, I am surely in no position to complain but life wasn't the easiest for me. Especially since I chose to indulge in Wushou Dancing. You guys already know my story and... And I'm afraid that I didn't satisfy Her with how I failed at making Wushou Dancing popular-"

Gaming ranted in one breath, his face contorting in pain, both from the possibility of such thing being true and from being breathless, as he looked like a kicked puppy with his huge brown eyes from where he stood in front of the petite blond, who stared at him with a confused and troubled look.

" Woah, woah! Easy there, calm down, Gaming... So you think she is upset because of... This?"

Lumine couldn't help but frown while pointing at him and back to his vision, confusion and slight worry clouding her golden eyes as Gaming gulped and looked at her through his lashes, head turning away and eyes trailing over to stare over the tea fields. She only hoped he didn't think it was because she was belittling his worry, but rather, she didn't understand why he worried.

You were always so proud of your creations, did they really not know this?

"Uhm, y-yeah? Why wouldn't She be? She saw potential in me to make it so popular and well-liked by people yet, hehe... Here I am, as a complete failure. Just like my dad predicted..." He rubbed the back of his neck embrassed, sweating from the nervousness at the intense glare the duo was giving to him.

Logically thinking, he knew there was absolutely no way of knowing anything about the Creator, especially something as trivial as this. Both because of a) you must be too busy to care for such a small and childish thing and b) you were the Creator, how were you not supposed to love what you made?

But poor boy's insecure mind was too consumed by the self-hatred he had kept inside for so long that it started to consume hım whole... Enough to question everything he had been taught all of his life, questioning himself for the first time ever since that day if all these struggles were worth it.

Paimon, seeing and having a guess at his state, quickly budged in to divert his attention elsewhere.

"B-But I am sure that mot- I mean, Her Highness didn't bless you with a Vision and showed her favor while expecting something in return!" Paimon suddenly shot up to the air, her short legs kicking at the air angrily as her face was contorted in pure anger for the way he was thinking. And Lumine, for the first time ever since meeting her, cold sweated because of how scary she looked at the moment.

"But..." Gaming sighed dejectedly, coming down from the shock of her sudden burst, head hung low and feeling the familiar sting of his eyes of many nights he spent alone on his bed and looking back to his decisions, trying to determine if he regretted them or not, thinking about his beloved mother and Creator...

And what you both must be thinking of him.

Had he... Failed both of you?

You, who created the whole world with so much love, "The Mother of All" and his own mother, who never shied away from showing her support to him even when his father was angry at her for "spoiling" him...

"But..." he couldn't help but get frustrated at himself, and the tears gathered at the corner of his eyes. How long was he going to act like a kid? How much more would he trouble others because of his problems, much like he was doing now to even his new friends that he just met? He knew he kind of failed at his biggest dream, although his stubborn father didn't know about it just yet and he intended for it to stay that way...

Actually saying it out loud made him realize how... futile, his hardwork had been.

He really didn't make any progress at all, huh?

Before he could get any other self-deprecating thoughts, he contiued with gritted teeth as shame slowly filled him and he moved to get up. "...I was given a Vision because of my ambition to make Wushou Dancing popular in Liyue Harbor, at least that's how I see it although I know not everyone's jumping at watching it... And if I can't make it come true then..."

Another dejected sigh as his hand subconsciously went to his Vision, feeling its comforting warmth as he clutched the glass orb tightly. He always believed that the Visions' warmth, apart from containing the aspirations of the holder, had always had a part of you as well... That the comforting warmth that accompanied him much like other holders, was because of your love and hopes for them. To see what path they would carve for themselves while watching over them...

And there was no way he made anyone proud with what he had become. His relatives? They didn't particularly care about him, they couldn't, right? And his father was another story with the restless and hurtful quarrels they used to have every day, especially after his mother's death. He wouldn't even talk to him, yet alone look at his face, why would he care to come looking for his son?

How would a young boy like him ever know that the reason his father couldn't look at him in the eyes was because he was also reminded of his mistakes and hurtful words he uttered towards his own father when he was his age? How would he know that his own father, though he didn't show himself like that, lacked the way to express his guilt to his own son that he hadn't seen in a long time?

How would he know that his own father was drowning in his own guilt, but too afraid to say anything to his son when he too, was drowning himself in guilt and self-hatred?

His, and unknown to him... his dad's, mind was clouded with their own sadness, all the while never leaving their eyes from the clear sky while Paimon's and Lumine's worried eyes were on Gaming's melancholic ones, as the duo shared a stare only they could understand... with a question after years of being on Teyvat suddenly popped inside their mind.

That they had to reach to you as soon as possible...

And learn how the Vision-giving process actually worked.

"Then, what am I?"

Meanwhile, up in Celestia, you were merrily decorating your place in Liyue themes, since the Lantern Rite night was coming closer, and watering the many plants you had as a gift from your children was taking too long, you opted to keep yourself busy with humming a soft tune.

Completely and blissfully unaware of the chaos in Liyue.

But you know what they say: A mother intuition always works and is always right.

"Hmm... My mom senses are tingling yet once again. Could it be my daughter?" You curiously asked to yourself, a slight worry deep in your heart as you walked back to your throne room to check on her and her companion, the music still blasting inside your head.

Those "earphones" your Fontanian kids called, was really something else as they blasted of your son Barbatos' one of the many ballads, only requiring a magical jade to store that tune. Perhaps you could visit your son and see how they are all doing after that whole Usurper ordeal?

"My children truly exceeded my expectations... If only they didn't nearly destroy Khaenri'ah all those years ago, give them a very unnecessary curse and give me one week of detailed work before the new year..." You couldn't help but sigh out "tiredly" and crack your back, rubbing your neck as you opened the huge white gates of the throne room.

Khaenri'ah, your dear children, were unfortunately caught between the crossfire of Celestia and the misled Archons, getting either killed or cursed with monstrosity and immortality. With yet another scheme of the corrupted Heavenly Grounds combined with them being too blind from their greed, the evil surged to the surface near Khaenri'ah and thus... since the only God they believed in was you, the biggest enemy of the Second... They were nearly destroyed completely.

But now, after a very brutal battle on the very same grounds you now peacefully walked on, Teyvat and your children were finally free with no blood of them dripping to the ground. You gave a new hope, a new world where people would thrive and live in harmony.

Children no longer in pain and crying, not being without parents...

Mothers never having to cry for their fallen children and fathers going mad...

However, just like you always thought of your children... They didn't hesitate to surprise you, and on some occasions scare you, with their quirks... It was only natural to be scared for your children, most importantly your baby, right?

Listening to the conversations of your daughter and Lumine with their other companions had always been a joyful experience for you, even when you were yet to take a form and were shackled. Often they joked with each other, or threw sarcastic quips at each other much to your amusement as you saw yourself in your daughter as clear as the day.

With how easygoing and cheerful their conversations would often be, you didn't think there was anything alarming happening as you looked into our orb.

There were times even you, the Mother-of-All, were left speechless...

As soon as the foggy and disturbed watery surface of your orb cleared out with a wave of your hand, and you were able to see the worried eyes of your dear vessel and daughter looking at a young boy with red and brown hair, their conversation made your mom senses 100 times worse.

"Gaming... Are you okay? Did you sleep well? You look like you are about to fall asleep any time!"

"Not really. Just yesterday, I stayed up all night playing cards..."

"Huh? Stayed up all...night? Isn't that- Isn't that a bit concerning for humans?" You worriedly asked your royal guard as he shook his head just as worriedly from behind you, although disguised it better than You did as you repeatedly looked between him and the orb, picked on your lips and pulled on it in worry as if it could somehow make you understand what you just heard.

He wasn't the Mother of All, after all. It wasn't in his nature to worry about the young ones.

"This boy... He surely doesn't give a single care about his health! I didn't create sleep for humans for nothings! One thing they need for completely resting and-and look at this! Unacceptable!" You groaned with a deep, threatening tone, angry and not understanding why humans tried to go against their nature like that, hands on either sides of your hips as you stared at Gaming's reflection and see... Just how really tired his soul was.

Going between a great dilemma for his future, a hard time for him, one that hangs heavily upon his shoulders and the soul you crafted quite carefully and gently.

What was it that made a boy so young such as him so deeply upset that it affected him deep to his core?

Yet... Made him still so sweet and... pinchable?

"Hmm... They seem to be getting along well nonetheless." you affectionately expressed with a hand under your chin, trying to be still positive, lovingly looking at the content smiles of all three children as your daughter feasted upon food after food and was being spoiled to no end by none other than Gaming himself.

The young boy's willingness to pay for everything and not "disturb" other's, even if he earned that Mora in the hard way, impressed you and his kindness and easygoing side was something you had never seen in a human before.

And considering you were the Creator, that said a lot by itself.

But still... His way was one that could be considered as... "Self-destructive", one that rang the alarms of a troubled childhood even from miles away, and also one which needed to be stopped at one point.

Even if it required the two most essential weapons of a mother: "The Mom Voice" and "The Slipper".

Your thoughts were cut short when you saw your daughter's shy yet puffed out cheeks as Gaming cooed at her, you couldn't help but chuckle as well, leaning down over the orb with both hands on your cheeks and heart combusting and running up the walls from the sudden surge of love you felt for the three young children as the other two coddled your daughter, in their own ways of course.

Aww, a fed Paimon is a happy Paimon, huh?

"And just like that, Gaming is her new favourite friend." You giggled at Paimon's flushed cheeks from the orb you watched, Lumine's smug yet peaceful smile after all the traumatic events she went through brightening your face. Gaming's bright smile wasn't so behind on the race of "radiance", his eyes twinkling in happiness at Paimon's happy and wide smile, feeling proud with himself that he was the reason she was a full and happy child at that moment.

That was exactly what you wanted for your children and people to have: Get along well with each other, learn from each other as everyone experienced the world you served beneath their feet... Not fight for their lives in greed and selfishness.

You sighed in relief when you realized that they were fine and happy, a bit tired perhaps from the hard work earlier but still... They were finally being what they were supposed to be from the beginning as they joked together already.

Two teens and a child, though the latter was questionable since Paimon has been there ever since "the Beginning".

"Gaming is one unique boy, just like many of Your creations, Your Highness... Easily well-loved, and befriended even by 'two outsiders'."

You absentmindedly nodded, you attention straying away from the scene before your eyes as you looked at one of the pillars of Celestia in deep thought.

It was no shocker that humans were... weird, in the eyes of other gods.

You created them with compensation and empathy, with the need to socialise and friend others in their journey. The way they would do it, however, entirely depended on their choices and often times, even when shackled, you watched them in amazement with the different routes they had taken with their life.

Some gods didn't want to question your authority, but couldn't help the questions linger in their minds: Why would you built paths for them when you knew the end? When you knew how they would act?

Well, that was the question forbanother day...

But even with knowing it all, Gaming's behaviour shocked even You, who was the one to set the order.

The sixteen-year-old just... gave and gave and gave at an alarming speed, without ever stopping... Without even asking for anything in return.

That wasn't good at all... A person who gives and gives, who is very self-sacrificing with absolutely zero care about their own emotions, trying to gain people's gratitude so that they would continue the relationship/ friendship, definetly experienced a situation where they felt... Invalidated for their feelings.

And You saw it... Even your daughter, who loved food and tea more than anything, hesitated to accept his request for more food and treats to eat after all the things he bought for her.

But in the end, she was just a child. A child who loved treats, especially if it came from someone else.

"You really liked it, huh?... You know what? I'll buy you a whole bunch and pile them so high, you could swim in 'em!"

"You... You noticed what Paimon likes?" you could hear the slight wavering of your little baby's voice as a gentle smile overtake your whole face, your insides filling up with an unexplainable need to crush her to your chest with many kisses all over her chubby cheeks... Although what he said he would do was a bit impossible.

You always knew your daughter had a very soft heart behind her "ugly nickname giving ceremonies" or her sarcastic answers, even when she unintentionally ( or not, at least when she saw someone she didn't like) spoke too much and too loud.

Lucky of her that she had people who loved her anyways.

It seemed Gaming and Lumine also thought the scene to be wholesome as they both smiled with closed eyes at her obviously touched state, Lumine snickering under her breath as Paimon sniffled and blushed while glancing away from Gaming, who also supported a brotherly smile at her.

"Wait... Seriously? Paimon was just joking, you don't have to do... that!... But if you are going to get us something anyways, we would much rather have Winter Melon Cake instead! And you said you hadn't eaten it for so long, so Paimon calls it a win-win."

"Ah, don't mention it! Just think of this as a thank you for all your help." He waved his hand dismissively as he prepared to leave, doubts and anxiety still swirling in his eyes and soul. Yet, he hid all those behind a warm smile and saddened, downcasted eyes.

But there were things he couldn't hide from one entity...

"Besides, the thing between me and my family... It's a long story. It might take some time to tell. You get all hungry in the meantime as I prepare everything, goodbye!"

With that, Gaming sprintered away from the two travellers who looked from behind him with perplexed eyes. Poor Lumine couldn't understand what had just happened, with both Gaming's "story" and the way he abruptly ran away.

Paimon was busy with getting agitated, having had enough, though.

Fortunately, they weren't the only ones who felt that way... Although Paimon's reasons were different than You and Lumine.

"Is he underestimating Paimon? Hah! The audacity! She is just gonna have to show him how much-"

"Paimon could eat, perhaps?"

"Mama!"

Paimon's angry rambling and flapping of her cape ceased, her happily exclaiming as her eyes lightened up with stars when she zoomed in to where you were waiting for her with a closed eyes smile, leaving a trail of constellations in her excitement, head slightly tilted and arms wide open for her to come crashing into and nuzzle to your warm chest.

It had been such a long time after all, the last time you were peacefully together being Sumeru where you had been hiding to gather all your powers back and lead Lumine to where you were.

After a very emotional reunion, answering a lot of questions about the creation in general and the Abyss and Celestia, saving the Sumeru (as in entirety) and their Archon who was apparently your freakin' granddaughter who was very eager to finally meet her grandmother whose voice was the only thing she was able to hear in her dream...

All of you decided to wait for a bit more until everything settled and this silent war was over, to "descend" onto a very much so eagerly waiting Teyvat and declare Paimon as your youngest daughter.

Oh the amount of war flashbacks some people would have because holy shit, they treated and even insulted her- the Creator's child- so badly, they were sure they would get a very torturing punishment...

"Hello, Your High-" A hard, yet teasing, stare of your starry eyes was all it took for Lumine to sweat anxiously and correct herself with a shy smile, cheeks flushing at your serious yet still soft eyes. It wasn't in your nature to chide and get mad easily, although your eldest children would beg to differ about the previous one. However, for your dear ones, they didn't have to use such honorifics when you were all tightly knitted through the fate you let happen.

Besides, Lumine was just so cute with her bashful forgetfullness of adressing you casually, even when you often reminded her.

"Y/N... I hope you have been fine lately?" You hummed pleasantly as you nodded, patting your daughter's back as she nuzzled to your neck for warmth with a toothy smile.

"Hmm... I really was, thank you Lumine. I hope your journey on Chenyu Vale wasn't so harsh?" You inquired with a turn of your body, the floral designs on your dress and the edge of your long sleeves flowing as if they were slowly moving and your mighty crown standing on your head, shining blindingly and setting fear on enemies.

But it only amazed her further, making her stare at you for the power you held in amazement and how easily you could destroy everything and yet, chose not to.

"It was not as harsh as it was then Inazuma's, it was quite pleasing." She answered after a few seconds of pondering, making you laugh out awkwardly and sweat as she smiled kindly at you, knowing how you still held yourself to blame for what Ei had done to both of them and her own people.

I couldn't show her the right path when she needed her mother the most... Of course, I'm one of the people to blame...

That was what you said when you witnessed the pain Ei's grief and twisted thinking of "Eternity" caused to her people. Grief... Grief often blinded logic and the truth right in front of people, which resulted in unwanted situations and the hurt innocent people would have to face.

The sight of lightining scars across Lumine's petite body, a crestfallen look painted with grief raking through her body as your soft hands slowly touched her scars that you offered to heal... You never felt more disgusting and a failure than you did at the moment.

To which she always replied with " They do not hurt anymore, Your Grace..." with a tight and secure squeeze of her hands over yours as she hugged you, the Creator who felt immense guilt for something that happened out of Their control, because of the wrong doing of something else.

A Creator that felt sadness and compassion for one of Their creations so openly...

"Ah, apologies once again... I wish it was just as pleasant as it was with Liyue and Mondstadt but you know-" you shut yourself up with a forced cough, not wanting to remind her of her bad experiences as you stared at her golden eyes, to which she averted eyes and looked at the horizon bashfully under Paimon's judging eyes.

She really better had a little talk with her about Lumine's treatment towards her mother... Before something else came to her mind.

"Mom... There is something Paimon wants to ask your help with!" She excitedly chirped as she got out of your hold and made a flip, kicking her legs as you laughed out at her energy. It wasn't every day that she would ask something from you, especially that happily as if her request was a bright idea.

"Of course, darling of mine. What is it?"

"It's about Ga-Ming and his family!"

Lumine's smile froze on her face as she nervously looked at Paimon, fiddling with her fingers while hinting at her to stop, to which Paimon ignored. "I don't think it is our place to do something about his family, Paimon."

It wasn't that she didn't want to help him, she did. She already loved Ga-Ming and his energetic bursts, how he was always ready to lend a helping hand. She already considered him to be a friend and as his friend, of course she wanted him to be happy.

She knew the value of family more than anyone else, especially after loosing it, but... She was also aware that some things were supposed to stay between family and solved by them, not by some outsiders.

However, it seemed that Paimon had other ideas. As she started to reject Lumine's idea, saying how much he helped them and gave them and that they had to repay back some way, you raised a brow in question at their banter.

You already had a brief idea of what was going on with his family, courtesy of having 15 children directly related to you with different personalities, and what the problem between the father and son was, but it wouldn't hurt to hear it from them.

"Do you mean his father, sweetheart?"

She nods enthusiastically when Lumine budges in to cut her talk. "Yes, Y/N... But I do think that his problem runs a little bit deeper than we can help him with..."

You nodded at her understandingly, knowing the miscommunication going on has been prolonged far longer than it was necessary. Children often didn't notice much, didn't accept or wanted to accept their parents' expectations of them. They wanted to fly with their own wings, even if it could hurt them at first.

The parents didn't make it easy for them either and most of the times... They didn't want to accept their children wanting to go away and be themselves.

And as a result, both sides would drift apart until the other saw from their point of view, not caring that one wanted freedom and the other wanted safety and security for the other, even if it ended with their child angry at them. As long as they were safe and sound to do so... It was all that would matter, even if it seemed like a disrespect in the eyes of the child.

The stubborness of each side would only result in a distance that would severe the bond more and more with each passing day.

Perhaps... All they needed was a little nudge for them to see what both sides were loosing while they were drowning in their own stubborness?

"You are right, Lumine... However, there is nothing that could not be changed with a little help and a nudge towards the right." You hum with a hand over your chin, forefinger tapping your cheek in thought as you cross your arms over your chest. You soon broke out in a smile, having made your mind as you happily made a little jump.

"I shall help you two achieve your goal! The New Year is coming up and I do not wish any of my children to enter a new year full of new chances while being sad and alone."

You would make sure of that.

[drakorn]

Rewriting Veilguard Part 3 - The Grey Wardens

Rewriting Veilguard Part 2 - The Shadow Dragons

Disclaimer: I don't hate the game, I actually think it's quite great given the development hell Bioware went through in those 10 years. This is more of a hypothetical universe where there was less of that behind the scenes drama. Just a fun writing exercise.

Writing an Origin Story Mission for the Grey Wardens

So before we start, I would like to notify you of three minor changes I made to my previous blog entry regarding the Shadow Dragons:

Varric no longer tells us about Solas straight away. I believe that’s a bomb that would be more effective when dropped later, otherwise poor Rook might just be a tad overwhelmed.

Neve stays in Minrathous rather than accompanying Rook and Varric. Yeah, as much as I like the idea of your chosen faction determining your first companion, I don’t think it’s really doable given the circumstances a few other companions find themselves in at the start of the game.

The Dreadwolf title card does not appear just yet. I found a better spot to use it later.

Now that we have dealt with the Shadow Dragon origin story, let us move on to the Grey Wardens. And here, we are going to have some fun because boy do I have ideas for this one.

The Grey Wardens were kinda the faction I wasn’t necessarily looking forward to playing at first and there’s a reason for that. You see, we already played a Grey Warden in DAO, and I actually like each game’s protagonist being someone very different. However, when I think about it now, there is some narrative logic to it. If DAV truly is the last Dragon Age game (which is very up in the air right now), it makes total sense to have this choice to bookend the story. You started as a Grey Warden, and now you’ll finish as one. Plus, with the Blight giving us its last hoorah in this one, it only makes sense to put the Wardens in a more prominent position once again.

So, without further ado, let us jump into the Grey Warden origin story!

Creating Rook

We start a new game, Varric gives his opening narration about the overall state of Northern Thedas, and this time, we click on the Grey Warden origin. The little blurb reads as follows:

“You are a Grey Warden. An ancient military order sworn to battle the ever-present threat of the Darkspawn, the Wardens undergo secret, unbreakable rites that grant them supernatural powers against the Taint. As the last surviving member of the Dornen outlaws, you joined the order after a passing Senior Warden invoked the Right of Conscription at your execution and gave you the chance to fight another day. But what you will do with it, that is up to you.”

Right there, we have a great canvas to paint with when it comes to sheer roleplay. We are a former criminal, the last survivor of a group known as the Dornen. Our group wasn’t, like, evil, but we were enough of a presence in the area in and around Hossberg to cause some proper trouble. The Anderfels is a dangerous land, the most dangerous one in Thedas. People don’t live, they survive. This means that many turn to unlawful ways to make ends meet. But being a former outlaw beautifully lines up with the theme of second chances the Order gives to so many people.

In DAV, our Warden’s name is Thorne. “Dornen” is the German words for “Thorns”. The Anderfels’ linguistic and etymological side is mostly based on German (“Anderfels” meaning “Other Rock” or “Weisshaupt” meaning “White Head”). So wouldn’t it be a fun idea if “Thorne” isn’t really the Warden’s last name but just the name they ended up going with? They arguably never knew their family name and the Dornen were as close to one as they could have gotten.

Unlike Mercar, your racial choice won’t really have that much of an impact here as the Wardens accept everyone into their ranks, as long as they can fight. However, if you choose to be a Qunari, it will add a few unique dialogue lines about how few Qunari there are in the order. You are probably one of the only ones.

For this hypothetical playthrough, we shall pick a dwarf warrior, and I’m giving him a big ginger beard. Just going full Lord of the Rings here.

Alright, so we just generated our Thorne, and now we get to hear Varric’s continued narration. We get a series of those beautiful tarot-styled illustrations with Varric’s voice telling us what’s been happening with the Wardens for the last decade. The Wardens in the North specifically have been all gradually returning to Weisshaupt Fortress, by order of the First Warden. They have become much more reclusive and secretive than they already were and are sharing practically nothing with the outside world. Something’s definitely going on. And Varric thinks it might be part of something larger.

Weisshaupt Fortress

And now, for the first time ever, we get to see Weisshaupt Fortress in all its glory, a gigantic fortress carved into the very mountains, the great headquarters of the Grey Wardens that withstood for over a thousand years.

I really like the way Weisshaupt is portrayed in DAV, my only gripe is that we never get to actually properly explore it. I was…surprised by that, actually. So what better way to explore Weisshaupt than have it be part of the Grey Warden origin?

This is place filled with such incredibly rich history. Just imagine, this place has existed since the First Blight, an event older than Andraste. This is an absolute field day for lore enthusiasts such as myself.

As soon as Weisshaupt appears, we get a grand reprise of Inon Zur’s DAO main theme, establishing it as the Warden leitmotif. Now that we are able to properly play as a Grey Warden again, we are just eased back into that feeling. We might not be playing the Hero of Ferelden anymore, but we can definitely bring back the nostalgia. Music is such an important part of storytelling, it’s insane how much a well-chosen theme can do.

Meeting High Constable Janos

Thorne arrives at Weisshaupt after a recent patrol through the mountains and we are greeted by High Constable Janos, the second-in-command to the First Warden. For some reason that rank never comes up in DAV, so we’re just going to include that here.

Here we’re going to establish that Janos was the Warden-Commander who invoked the Right of Conscription during our execution all the way back in Hossberg a few years ago. But why would the Right of Conscription even work in a time without the Blight? Well, this is a fair question for any other nation than the Anderfels. But the Anderfels is constantly threatened by darkspawn incursions, making it the only nation where the Right of Conscription still holds weight without a Blight. Given how the First Warden is often seen as an advisor to the King/Queen, one can also say that the Wardens’ whole “no politics” spiel doesn’t really apply in the Anderfels, either.

Janos informs us of an upcoming mission, assigned by the First Warden himself. Thorne is to meet him, Janos, and a few others in the war room later that day. It is something quite urgent.

NOTE: Throughout the prologue, Rook is still referred to as Thorne, given that “Rook” as a nickname does not exist yet.

Exploring Weisshaupt

Before we head off to the war room, we get a chance to properly explore Weisshaupt for the first time. And there are some interesting things to be done here:

Thorne can walk in on a recruit training session hosted by Davrin. Yep, if we’re a Grey Warden, we get to meet Davrin a little earlier than every other origin. We won’t know anything about his secret griffon mission yet, so for now we just meet him as a trainer. We learn that Davrin and Thorne joined the Wardens at roughly the same time and initially disliked each other due to their different pasts. But over the years, they grew to a mutual understanding since that’s just what being part of the order does to you. In this encounter, we get to train the recruits with Davrin for a short while, even do a sparring session between the two of us.

We come across a few recruits who are yet to undergo the Joining. From here, we learn that there hasn’t really been a great influx of Wardens recently as people just don’t see the necessity. And while the Right of Conscription applies in the Anderfels outside a Blight, it does so only when the alternative is a crime verdict. The recruits know about the Joining already, so we can either reassure or prepare them for the possibility of dying.

We learn from the general chatter as we traverse Weisshaupt that many of the older Wardens are getting ready for their Calling. Since there’s such an unusually high number this time, they are organising something akin to a massive group exodus into the Deep Roads. From the same chatter, we also learn that there has been a staggeringly smaller amount of recruits every year. Some of the older Wardens are worried.

We can enter the library and meet Valya from the Last Flight novel. Instead of just leaving the Wardens for an unspecified reason like in DAV, here she stayed, survived her Joining, and has since been promoted to Chamberlain of the Grey, the order’s chief archivist after her predecessor embarked on his Calling. Her role in rediscovering the griffons had a huge part to play here, but we don’t know that yet. She has also entered a relationship with Caronel who has been promoted to Warden-Commander of the Anderfels. From Valya, who is also in charge with gathering reports from Wardens all around the world, we learn how the Wardens in the South are doing, and it’s quite something. Nathaniel Howe is now the Warden-Commander of Ferelden and operates from Vigil’s Keep. Yes, all Wardens have been ordered to return to Weisshaupt, but Ferelden is an exception to this summon as the First Warden deems Amaranthine  being an actual Arling and two Grey Wardens ruling the country as too valuable of an asset to just drop. The same can’t be said for Orlais, though, as we learn that the Orlesian Wardens, currently led by Stroud and Thom Rainier, have fortified the Warden stronghold outside Montsimmard and are currently acting as peacekeepers. In addition, Bethany is currently overseeing the still-standing Griffon Wing Keep. The First Warden looks at them with disdain for refusing to obey his orders, but he also can’t, in good conscience, declare war upon them as every Warden is valuable.

NOTE: Here we see some of our World State shine through. In this playthrough, Hawke was left behind in the Fade, allowing Stroud to be a force for good among the Wardens. Blackwall took back his original name of Thom Rainier and became a proper Grey Warden. Since Hawke took Bethany and Anders to the Deep Roads in DA2, Bethany was made a Grey Warden. Nathaniel Howe was recruited and both Vigil’s Keep and Amaranthine were defended properly, allowing the Wardens to once again maintain a strong presence in Ferelden. As mentioned in the previous post, Alistair and Cousland currently rule Ferelden. And, as we're about to see, Avernus has been left alive and allowed to ethically continue his research.

While still in the library, we get to read a few letters sent to Valya. One of them is from Cousland, dating back a few years now, stating that she is close to making progress on how to stop the Calling but that this is the last letter she’ll be able to send as she’s embarking to places where communication just isn’t possible. Another is from Stroud, stating his regret for how things turned out. Here we get some hints as to what happened when he came to Weisshaupt during DAI. Apparently him and the First Warden clashed on ideals, the First Warden insisting on staying distant and secretive and Stroud being in favour of change. The third letter is from Ramesh, the Warden from Tevinter Nights who discovered one of Ghilan’nains labs and is now searching for the other eleven. The fourth and final letter is a report from Avernus and concerns the progress of his superior Joining ritual. All of these are just codex entries as I doubt we'd get to see this publicly.

Meeting the First Warden

After exploring Weisshaupt, we enter the war room, where Jowin Glastrum, the First Warden himself, awaits us. Joining us in the meeting are High Constable Janos and Warden-Commander Caronel.

Now, let me make something very clear about the First Warden. I like that he’s old-fashioned and traditionalist in DAV, I think it was very in-character of him to act distant and dismissive towards people outside the order. However, he is also a Grey Warden first and foremost at heart, he has Thedas’ best interest in mind. He isn’t here just because of status and standing, no, he clawed his way up the ranks through valiant deeds. We know that many Wardens in the Anderfels come from noble lines and still have ties to those. While the First Warden is of a noble house, he doesn’t use that as something to flaunt over the Wardens. His idea of having ties to noble families is a strictly pragmatic one: the more ties, the more aid, the more recruits. While he might not get along with outsiders, he absolutely respects the Wardens under his command and, while not always agreeable, would never meaninglessly sacrifice them. He’s harsh, strict, often an asshole, but still a Warden at heart.

The First Warden briefs us on a mission: A strange crack into the Deep Roads has opened near the village of Lavendel and a darkspawn horde is gathering for a full assault. Wardens Evka and Antoine are already on-site, preparing the defences.

The First Warden orders us to take charge of the village’s defences alongside Caronel. Under no circumstances are we to abandon post. High Constable Janos will arrive with reinforcements to secure our victory. The idea is to lure the bulk of the horde out of the Deep Roads so that we can slay most of them.

We can inquire why Thorne was chosen for this, since our presence alongside the First Warden, the High Constable, and the Warden-Commander is pretty insignificant, to which the First Warden answers that we are very much due to becoming Senior Wardens ourselves, it’s just this one last assignment left until our promotion.

After the briefing, we leave the war room and encounter Davrin again, with whom you can share in your either excitement or humbleness. In any case, Davrin congratulates us on the soon-to-be promotion, claiming how deserving of it we are and how he would have never thought so upon our first meeting all those years ago.

If we wonder why Davrin wasn’t chosen to head to Lavendel, he’ll tease that he has something else going on, equally important, but won’t tell us what it is just yet as it’s top secret (wink wink caw caw).

Reaching Lavendel

We depart Weisshaupt and leave for Lavendel, a small but significant village not far away from Hossberg. We take a few newly joined Wardens with us, a group consisting of the recruits we met earlier at Weisshaupt.

Upon entering Lavendel, we are approached by Evka and Antoine, who have been busy preparing the defences. From the ensuing conversation we gather that Thorne is very well-acquainted with them, similar to Davrin, having shared in many patrols across the Anderfels with them.

While Caronel takes charge of the mission, he trusts your judgment on matters as it is your time to prove yourself further in the eyes of Weisshaupt. High Constable Janos leaves you be now and heads off to prepare the reinforcements on the other side of the hills.

In the distance, a faint dark red cloud indicates the approaching darkspawn.

Preparing for Battle

Before the darkspawn assault begins, we have the chance to explore Lavendel a little and engage in its defences. During this short segment, we have a few encounters to experience:

Naturally, we can talk to Evka and Antoine and reflect on some of our past adventures together.

We can speak to the new Wardens we’re supposed to co-lead with Caronel, either inspiring them or telling them to be realistic and not too hasty. It’s obvious many of them joined because of the heroic notion surrounding being a member of the order.

We can encounter Mila and her father, Lavendel’s blacksmith. Yeah, I haven’t made them occupants of Weisshaupt just yet, you’ll see why in a bit.

We can inspect the defences, which boil down to barricades, a few ballistae, and, of course, the Warden stronghold just outside the village. If we explore enough, we see a very large and lose rock on a jagged edge right next to Lavendel. Maybe this will be useful later? Since we took the extra time to look around, we can now have that in the back of our head. We can also spot a crack in the stronghold’s basement and encourage quick repairments to be made.

We can speak to Caronel and share in thoughts about the coming fight. All of us Wardens can sense the approaching darkspawn. Caronel isn’t too worried as it’s just a minor skirmish, albeit with a larger-than-usual horde. And why worry? We’ve got Janos swooping in with reinforcements, anyway. We can talk about Caronel’s promotion to Warden-Commander, which was very recent. It is surprising how one so young climbed the ladder so fast, to which Caronel responds that it’s really not so uncommon anymore, given how Ferelden’s Warden-Commander got the title only a year after joining. Well, granted, she took down the Archdemon and somehow lived to tell the tale, but the point stands.

Before we commence the battle, there is one big choice to be made about our position and that of the villagers. While Evka and Antoine suggest to pull all Wardens and villagers into the stronghold and brave the storm there, Caronel would rather only keep the villagers in there while us Wardens head out into the open and prevent the darkspawn from getting to them in the first place. We don’t really have enough Wardens to divide, so we must make that choice now.

Send both the Wardens and the villagers into the stronghold and fight on close and narrow ground. The villagers are at risk from getting into the heat of battle, but the Wardens will be close by to defend them.

Send the villagers into the stronghold and let the Wardens fight in the village itself. While the villagers will be more vulnerable in terms of sheer distance away from the Wardens, the darkspawn is less likely to even get near them.

For the sake of this playthrough, we choose to evacuate the village, and ourselves, into the stronghold. We feel confident but would rather keep our charges close to us. Being a former outlaw in the Anderfels has taught us how one should never leave their goal out of sight. Our aim is to defend, not to gloriously destroy. This shows us that Thorne is willing to cast the pride of glory aside and choose an arguably safer path.

An Old Friend

Our decision made, we deliver a short speech to the villagers, instructing them to head into the Warden stronghold. We shall follow suite immediately and position ourselves on the walls and in the courtyard. Since we’re familiar with the darkspawn’s habit of digging tunnels, we’ll make sure the basement is accounted for as well.

Once the villagers and Wardens head to the keep, we are approached by a most familiar face: Varric Tethras. This is certainly a surprise. While we’ve never met him in person, we’ve certainly heard and read about him. Varric says he was passing through on an errand of his own and figured he might as well aid Lavendel’s defences with Bianca. While we can question the sincerity of this statement, we can use any help we get.

Varric comments how many Wardens would seek out the more daring and glorious path and is pleased to see that we’re not one of them.

The Battle of Lavendel

Right so we’re all hunched up in the fortress, and the atmosphere is intense. Now, all of us sense the evil just outside our doorstep. The dark red cloud is directly above us. Everyone looks to Thorne and Caronel for leadership while Evka and Antoine keep morale up. Varric, while being easy-going, is very much battle-ready now.

The darkspawn slowly creep through the village like a dark carpet of disease and corruption. We hear the deafening screeches of shrieks in the distance and see various hurlocks and genlocks make their way between the buildings. At this point, a thought comes to us, one we share with Caronel. Holy shit, that’s a lot of darkspawn. And no sign of Janos yet. Where is he? Where are the other Wardens? Surely this can’t be less than the bulk of the horde yet. This is almost like a new Blight.

A horrifying thought grips us and we quickly sense into the Taint for any signs of an Archdemon’s song. To our relief, we hear nothing. The relief is short-lived, however, as the darkspawn reach the stronghold and send in a wave of shrieks to scale the walls.

We engage in a properly gritty fight against the darkspawn and can make use of several ballistae on the battlements. But we quickly realise that this place is just not at all well-prepared. Evka and Antoine’s pre-defences, alongside our inspection, are all that’s keeping this place from being overrun. Why is this in such a shoddy condition?

We then hear fighting from the basement. Ah, so the darkspawn did attempt to dig through. Good that we halted their progress by mending that crack, giving us time to respond.

We head into the basement and confront some hurlocks and genlocks. After the skirmish, we sent several grenades into the tunnel below, causing it to collapse without damaging our infrastructure too much.

Returning to the courtyard, we see something strange. A few of the shrieks have reached a group of villagers, but instead of slaying them, they’re trying to abduct them alive. While this wouldn’t be strange if all villagers were female, given that darkspawn need broodmothers to multiply, they are taking the men, too. What…?

We make short work of the darkspawn, and at this point, some of our newly joined Wardens have fallen, but only the Wardens. Now would be a really good time for Janos to show up.

At this moment, we hear loud dum, dum, dum. Huge footsteps approach. We look at each other and have all the same reaction: Ah shit.

The gates to the courtyard break down and a huge ogre walks in. Oh boy, here we go. Now would be a really good time for Janos to show up!

We take down the ogre with great difficulty and see that another large influx of darkspawn follows. After dealing with those, the fighting ceases for a moment.

We head to the battlements and see another group on the outskirts of the village. Then we remember the huge loose rock. Oh yeah, baby.

We quickly load up a ballista and aim across the village, towards the jagged cliff. It takes three shots for the edge to become lose enough, but it works. The huge rock collapses upon the newly approaching darkspawn horde, squashing them all beneath, but taking some of Lavendel’s houses with it.

The relief is short-lived, however, as we can still sense the Taint in our heads. Further away, past the outskirts of the village, we can already see a new horde of darkspawn amassing. And still no sign of Janos.

We gather a quick emergency meeting between the Wardens, and some start speculating that…Janos might not be showing up. Evka and Antoine are of the same belief, while Caronel holds on to the hope that reinforcements are on their way. Why wouldn’t they be? Wardens stick together.

But what about us? What do we believe? Janos personally recruited us all those years ago, he personally saw to our training. Why would he…but where is he then? Why isn’t he coming? Maybe he was held up? But by what? Was there another darkspawn horde on the other side of the hills? But why can’t we sense them? In fact…why can’t we sense any other Wardens in the immediate vicinity aside from us?

Wherever Janos might be, we have to hold out on our own. But if the darkspawn keep coming, we won’t hold out at all eventually. And if the Wardens die, the villagers will be…what exactly? Killed? Or taken? No villager has died so far. Why is that? What’s going on here?

Eventually, Thorne concludes that if we are to survive, we must seal that damn entrance ourselves.

But how will we go about this? Do we take all Wardens with us, or just a few?

Take all Wardens to the Deep Roads entrance. The villagers are exposed but the darkspawn may be largely drawn to us given that they haven’t even as much as injured anyone else yet.

Take Evka and Antoine and leave Caronel and the other Wardens with the villagers.

No matter what we choose, we are going against the First Warden’s orders to not leave Lavendel under any circumstances until reinforcements arrive. And at this point, if we are to survive, we have no other choice. We tell Caronel and the other Wardens to secure the villagers’ retreat from Lavendel, while Thorne, Evka and Antoine head off to seal the entrance to the Deep Roads. Caronel is hesitant at first but comes to agree with you. In Death, sacrifice, true, but the sacrifice has to mean something. Varric offers to accompany us but since he’s no Warden, we refuse. He’s more useful with protecting the villagers without risking getting instantly blighted.

Approaching the Crack

With Evka and Antoine at our side, along with several grenades from the stronghold, we head across the dark hills. A few darkspawn break off from the main horde and try to stop us, but we make short work of them.

After a few short skirmishes, we reach the entrance to the Deep Roads, a very steep crack located between two rocky hills. It is guarded by two ogres. The rest of the horde have already departed for Lavendel. It’s now or never. We might be fewer but two ogres…we can take them. Maybe.

We throw ourselves into a fight with the two giants and slay them after exchanging some fierce blows.

Now that we have a short breathing moment, we must quickly go about sealing that entrance. However, looking at it reveals that we can only collapse it by doing so from below. No use doing it from up here. But this action would cause the Warden who does it to be trapped.

We look at Evka and Antoine and order them to give us the grenades. They initially refuse but we remind them that as Warden Thorne, we have been given charge of this mission. It’s either us or no-one. We take the grenades and bid farewell to our favourite Warden couple, ordering them to return to the others. We then recite the oath of the Grey Wardens between us. “In Peace, Vigilance,” says Antoine. “In War, Victory,” says Evka. “In Death, Sacrifice,” says Thorne.

The Deep Roads

We descent into the cavern and find ourselves immediately struck by an overwhelming sense of the Taint. There are more darkspawn here, and they are coming.

We quickly go about preparing the grenades, when we are suddenly stricken by a strange sense. It is similar to the Taint, but also different, almost…purer. Suddenly, we become incredibly aware of the cavern around us. We can sense each layer, each type, each consistency. We can sense hidden passages, the tunnels the Darkspawn are digging right now. And we feel…whole, strangely so. And this is only something we experience if we picked a dwarven Thorne, for we are experiencing Stone Sense.

At this moment, a figure approaches us from the dark, followed by darkspawn. We look up and see a tall, cloaked being, wearing dark armour that we can’t recognise. We can definitely sense the Blight in it, but it’s…weirdly different in a way we can’t describe. The figure has veins of lyrium writhing all around its form, red lyrium.

It speaks to us, but we can only hear its voice in our head. It asks us to stop, to let be done what must be done. When we ask who and what this thing is, it simply refers to itself as “The Emissary”. While the Emissary won’t tell us exactly why it wants the villagers, it hints at a great and regrettable mistake that has to be rectified before it’s all too late.

Being the Warden we are, we attempt to still go through with our grenade plan, but the Emissary casts a spell of pure, raw magic on us, causing us to be knocked against a wall. But we refuse to go down fighting and challenge the Emissary to a one on one.

Similar with Laskaris in the Shadow Dragon origin, the Emissary is a fight we aren’t meant to win. But if we lower its HP to 0, the cutscene will be a little different.

In our seemingly dying breath, we hurl the grenades against the weakest parts of the crack, which we can clearly determine due to our Stone Sense. The Emissary howls in fury as the rocks descend upon us, sealing the Deep Roads off of Lavendel for good. All turns black around us.

Saved

But strangely enough, this isn’t the end. We wake up back in Lavendel and see Varric. He says he followed us in secret as he had a feeling we might be needing assistance. When Evka and Antoine showed up without us, he increased his pace and the three made it just in time. Varric climbed down and found us in the rubble, saving us from certain death.

Evka and Antoine join us and profusely apologise for leaving our side, despite us ordering them to do so. Well, it seems the Wardens in general have a feeling for disobedience as of lately.

When we inquire about Lavendel, we are told that everyone is save and none have been taken. This is because of the time we took to explore the place before the battle. By sealing the basement and collapsing the great rock, the darkspawns’ numbers were too few for what came next.

But…what came next? We find out the moment we walk outside.

A whole entourage of Wardens hurry about Lavendel. The reinforcements arrived after all. Or so we think.

High Constable Janos and the First Warden approach us. When we remark on the lateness of the reinforcements, the First Warden orders us imprisoned. What? Why? For disobedience, of course. We see that Janos is uncomfortably silent during this exchange.

But we saved Lavendel. We repelled the darkspawn horde and sealed the entrance to the Deep Roads. What could he possibly be so mad about? It can’t just be about disobedience, right?

Well…as we slowly, horrifyingly learn from the conversation, Lavendel wasn’t meant to survive. All who were there, Wardens and villagers alike, were supposed to fall to the darkspawn.

Here we get the context: the Calling has been manifesting in more and more older Wardens. At the same time, Weisshaupt is receiving fewer and fewer recruits. This combination will eventually have the effect of the order facing extinction. And outside the Anderfels, the Right of Conscription means less than nothing now. The world has grown complacent in a world without the Blight, even though the recent one has only been twenty years ago. And the Anderfels doesn’t have a large enough population to feed the ranks on its own.

By using this abnormally large darkspawn horde, letting it consume villagers and Wardens alike, the First Warden hoped to convince the nobility to encourage greater recruitment again. It can’t be a coincidence that the Calling has been manifesting increasingly more frequent now.

But Thorne has been a thorn in this plan’s side and ensured that the First Warden’s plan backfired spectacularly.

Shocked, we turn to Janos and ask him if he was aware of this. Yes, he was. In Death, Sacrifice. In War, Victory. And the war isn’t over as long as Razikale and Lusacan still slumber beneath the surface.

Caronel has been stripped off his rank as Warden-Commander of the Anderfels and Evka and Antoine will be assigned to very far-away duties for the foreseeable future. Thorne, however, as the instigator of this chaos, is to be tried for disobedience and treason.

This is where we can lash out, accusing the First Warden of having lost his way. We can also add that Lavendel’s villagers wouldn’t have died anyway as the Emissary wanted to collect them. When we tell the Wardens of what we saw beneath the surface, the First Warden, as we would assume, does not believe us, assuming we’re using this as a convenient excuse to paint ourselves in a more heroic image. Janos, however, knows us, so he isn’t so sure.

At this point, Varric chimes in and argues against trial and imprisonment, stating it as just a waste of effort. Instead, he offers to take Thorne away for a matter of great importance. The First Warden objects, stating that Weisshaupt’s affairs are to remain its own. Janos, however, in a change of tone, takes Varric’s side. Whatever Thorne’s reasonings are, one can’t deny that we are a true Warden. NO matter the disobedience, we fought against the Blight and won. There will be other opportunities to gather more recruits, but we do not deserve a trial for doing what we joined the order for.

The First Warden eventually relents. Remember, he is still a Grey Warden, with Thedas’ best interest at heart. Him doing this whole Lavendel thing was him acting out of desperation to keep the order alive in the long run. The morality is incredibly questionable, he’s definitely an asshole, but he is not heartless. Rather than putting us in chains, the First Warden suspends us from all Weisshaupt duties and instead tasks us with travelling the lands, searching for new recruits until further notice. Dismissed.

Leaving Lavendel

When the First Warden leaves, Janos makes an attempt at conversing with us, apologising for sending us into death. We can be either understanding, or angry, or just hurt. Despite our rough exterior, we are hurt because Janos was the one who saved us from another execution in the first place. Janos definitely feels bad about it, but orders were orders. Yeah…orders were orders, we respond.

Varric approaches us and confesses that he’s not here by accident. He’s looking for someone among the Wardens to accompany him on a very special mission of the utmost importance. He heard from some of his contacts that Lavendel would have fitting candidates. And he is certain he just found the one. What exactly are we doing, now that we’re stuck with him? Varric promises to reveal everything in good time. Now, he would very much like to get out of this place. We can either go immediately or have some final conversations. Being the completionists we are, we of course choose the latter.

We can talk to Evka and Antoine and just be glad that we’re all still alive, despite being given rather shitty jobs now. Well, that’s a no on the promotion for now, right? But we’re confident we’ll see each other sooner rather than later.

Caronel honestly doesn’t even care about his demotion. He’s just glad he survived and is now able to return to Valya. But if he were still Warden-Commander, he would make us Senior Warden in a heartbeat. Sometimes, one simply has to defy orders.

We can talk to Mila, who excitedly announces that her father has taken Janos’ offer to be Weisshaupt’s new blacksmith, given that the fortress desperately needs one again.

The Wardens who were under our command during the battle look up to us in awe and call us a hero and inspiration, no matter what the First Warden says. They actually pretty much despise him now as he was so willing to just let them die.

Once all of this is done, we head to Varric and and half-enthusiastically announce our readiness to depart. Varric smiles and welcomes us to the team. What team? Oh, we’ll see. But he recommends us going by another name for the foreseeable future as the First Warden might just be petty enough to make our life more difficult by telling foreign Wardens or members of the nobility about our streak of disobedience and conspiracy theories. Well, that’s easy enough, we say, back in the Dornen, the others used to call us “Rook” for that one time we headed straight in and brought down a very well-connected Hossberg nobleman. “The strongest piece on the chessboard,” Varric chuckles. “I like it.”

Now going by Rook once again, we head off with Varric. As Lavendel is nearly out of sight, we turn around and look at the gathered Wardens one last time. This…is not how we pictured leaving the order one day. But no, we haven’t left it. We’re just…taking a vacation. With a heavy heart, we turn back to Varric and follow him into the unknown.

And that’s it for this one! Now we have our Grey Warden Rook origin story. It’s a lot, I know, but the Wardens have a lot of material to work with. And the whole plot surrounding the Emissary will make sense later, I promise.

Next time we shall be heading off into Arlathan Forest to draft a potential Veil Jumper origin story! Stay tuned!

Rewriting Veilguard Part 4 - The Veil Jumpers

[yeosbbm]

Push It.

Smut | MDNI

starring: athletic! fem reader x gym rat! yeosang

genre: competitive rivals to lovers/ non-idol athletic au

summary/plot: $50,000 . that’s the prize money for the province weight and powerlifting competition. you’re not a weight lifter per say; but you’ve always been an athlete and you love winning as much as you love money. you’ve rarely ever had competition from anyone. that’s until you meet kang yeosang. finally, someone who’s as arrogant and talented you are. him being your rival and competition you guys have to push it to the limits. whether it’s publicly in the gym or privately at his place.

warnings/prevs: forced proximity, shower sex manhandling, power play, impact play, degradation , oral (fem receiving) , unprotected piv, breeding/cream pie, use of the word bitch (like once), yeosang is vv rude

A/N: Hey guys this fic came out later than it was meant to 😭. My neighborhood had a power shortage and I had to redo a lot of the story as well as me still feeling as though my writing isn’t cohesive. Which is why this may not match what was in the prev. I also came to a decision to make this a 2-3 part series depending on what you all would like, being unhappy with your own work is so hard but I still appreciate you all. Enjoy !

Tags:

@theyungihven @stolasisyourparent @parkseonghwatongueee @mulit05ho3st4n

Part 1:

Today was the province’s Weightlifting competition intramural, where they decide who gets to compete for the $50,000 cash prize granted to the winner who lifts the most and the best.

You’re not a common weightlifter but you’re athletically poised enough to try. Plus, your close roommates who already lift, San and Jongho have been helping you train for the longest. You know deep down that you have a chance at this money and could have so many opportunities. Get a better place for you, Sannie and Jongho, never having to work, buying whatever you want and more. Even if you don’t win the experience itself pumps you up. The only negative component is Yeosang. Kang Yeosang. He’s infamous for his skills, he isn’t the hugest lifter but his work has been impressive regardless. He started training the same time you had and has been your enemy ever since.

He just irks you. If he uses a machine before you he’ll never adjust the weight back to its original setting before you use it. He never shares his hand chalk, lotion or protein powder. The most annoying is that he’s always attempting to one up you. You two have been beefing practically as long as you two have laid eyes on each other. Insults hurled to one another no matter the circumstance. But today was the day you could humble him and put him in his place.

You and Yeosang are in the same qualifying group, meaning you two will be in competition for a spot in the actual competition. Every other possible competitor surrounds the platform. The judge sat there at a table adjacent to it, folded their hands and brought them above the table and stared upon the many competitors in front of them.

“Today, we are deciding on who will be participating in our competition for $50,000, only the best weight lifters can compete for such a generous prize. Here are our 4 nominees for this section.” The judge said this all robotically as if it were clock work, because it essentially was.

You walk onto your spot with the weight assigned in front of you. Looking across you see Yeosang, he was already eyeing you and ofc had that irritating smile on his face.

You two and two other men are lined up. Yeosang was to go and lift first, you last . Yeo rubbed his hands together in the weight chalk before reaching down and gripping the weight. As if it weighed nothing he deadlifted it up to his waist. Ooos and Ahhhs filled the crowd from his easy attempt at this weight. The hard part, was him bringing it above him. He struggles fighting the weights gravity with his strength. After moments of him steadying his breathing and shutting his eyes tight he brings the weight above. Cheers fill the room and the judge lifts their brow obviously impressed.

The two other men went now. While yes they did bring the weight up there was no grace, technique as well as they struggled and lost form.

Now it’s your turn. You take a breath and prepare your hands. You look down and stretch your back. You reach down and take one last breath before you grip the weight and snap up to bring it to your waist. The burn in your limbs was severe but you couldn’t let them see you struggle. You’re gritting your teeth now. You need this, you must have this. You see Yeosang watching. His lift was impressive but you know that you can up him, even if it’s only by 1%. You look at your competitor knowing that if you just upped your technique you can lift this with better form and efficiency. Jongho and San are rooting for you as well as others. You finally push it above your head.

Yeosang has a look on his face. It isn’t a look of disappointment or bitterness as usual. He seems…proud ?

Finally you, yeosang and the two other competitors are lined up ready to hear the results. The judge gazes at all four of you and reaches down to his score sheet. He sits up preparing to give out the names of who’s going forward.

“With consideration of all aspects such as physique, form, technique, elegance, strength and performance…”

You’re sweating bullets. The suspense is making you bounce your leg.

“Our winners are…Kang Yeosang at spot number #27.” People of his crew cheer and he had a look of being triumphant. Now this is it. The decision that will truly decide if you’ll have a chance of competing for this 50,000.

“And l/n y/n at spot number #26.” We thank you all for participating in our intramural..next qualifying group please.”

Not only did you pass, but you’re above Yeosang right where you wanted to be. Once you get off the platform your roommates hug you and of course rant and rave on how proud they are. Jongho and San say they have something do but will be right back to train as well as agreed to drinks when you’re through with solo training.

While alone you sit at a utility bench stretching as much as you could before your workout and then..

“Congratulations. I look forward to potentially beating you later.”

You get startled and jump from Yeosangs presence which makes him smile from joy. He’s stood in front of you with his phone in one hand and a protein shake in the other.

“Your drink smells…get it away im about to vomit.” You dramatically hold your nose and shake your head.

He brings the shake to your face causing you to swat and kick at him to shoo him away.

“You qualified now but wait till later, bet I’ll have you out of here by the first quarter.” After he says this he begins to sip from his shake.

“You’re saying this as if it’s guaranteed you’ll still be here after the first round.” You say tilting your head matching his energy.

He pauses from drinking and stares causing his eyes to be like daggers, “I’m running through this thing till the end.”

Interesting.

“Compared to me you’re nobody, my name holds weight here while nobody knows yours.”

You refuse to let him get the last word.

“When this is through, nobody will even remember who you are. You’re already forgettable enough.”

Yeosang scoffs and turns back on his way to his crew. You make sure to continue staring at him with disdain until he dissolves into a crowd and is out of your sight.

[Time skip]

After you stay behind for a couple more workouts that you could handle (as well as regret.) the gym is closing up and it’s time to head home, and you’re anxious to get home at this point. All your clothes whether they’re for at the gym, after or backups were dirtied from your protein powder spilling, and the clothes you have on now are all sweated in. Your arms and legs are worn out, and you haven’t ate real food since the whole intramural. You grab your gym bag and look around but within the sea of possible competitors there isn’t a sign of San or Jongho. Luckily as if they could read your mind from afar Jongho facetimed you.

“Do not tell me . You guys forgot to get me.”

Jongho shook his head and passed the phone to San who looks as guilty as possible. “Well there was a good reason y/n I swear !!”

“San whyy what happened.” You’re not mad per say but the lack of a heads up has you floored. If you knew they’d leave without you, you would’ve had the money on your card for a good safe Uber home. Plus it’s scary ride sharing at night.

“Wooyoung had an emergency with Joong so we had to rush over there and we saw you with Yeosang after the round so we thought you’d get lucky and he’d take you home.” He says it as quick as possible like a kid explaining their side of a fight with their sibling.

“We’re on the other side of town because Woos new place is by the pier .” Jongho said, clearly ready to go home while mindlessly steering the car.

“ Thanks Jongho. But San. Why…….. would I go anywhere with that man.”

San looked side to side before saying something that would grind your gears. “I mean you say you hate him but I think you secretly want him bad and it’s ok if you do-”

“San. Goodbye I’ll find a way home I’m sharing my location I’ll let you know when I get there.”

“Y/N IM SORRY WE LOVE YOU.” San yells through the phone trying to save himself while Jongho only waves goodbye and ends the call.

While trying to regain composure of the sudden change in plans. Low and behold, speak of the devil Kang Yeosang was stood there with the same blank expression he typically hits you with.

You’re startled by him and of course had to let him know. “God you can’t keep walking up on people like that dude.”

Yeosang is unphased by your complaint and places his bag on his shoulder. “Look are you getting a ride home from me or not .”

“Woah eavesdropper much…but, if you don’t mind sure..there’s a problem though you have to wait for me to shower and we have to stop by the cleaners because my clothes are a mess.”

Yeosang runs a hand through his hair and put his headphones back on “No need you can do both at my place, let’s go.”

You hesitantly follow him out the gym into his car. Nervous because he’s acting as if you both weren’t competing for a spot earlier. Maybe this little rivalry wasn’t as serious as you thought.

“By the way, it was luck that you pushed into the spot above me, don’t forget.” He said it with a smile knowing that the comment would heat your temper. Nevermind. This rivalry is most definitely real and mutual. You guys begin the ride to his place.

[ A drive later]

Yeosang let’s you out the car and you finally can see the place this rude show off lives at, but instead of a lame apartment complex with no personality it’s a family home. You tilt your head confused on how someone as obnoxious and pretentious as him can live in such a warm looking place. He’s already at the door since he probably passed you while you were lost in your speculations and confusions.

“Are you coming in or what.” He sighs as he’s placing the key to open the door, once it opens his house already has an aroma of his eucalyptus cologne and laundry detergent. You both walk in.

“You barely have a job how could you even afford a family home for you alone.” You’re gawking at how neat and nice the house was, seeming like those homes you see in magazines that you wish you could buy.

He shrugged while sitting his gym backpack on the ground, “I saved money up when I could..plus the utilities downstairs are worn out and bad condition, hot water goes out fast so I got it for cheap.”

What he told you was essentially in one ear out of the other while you scan the house and the impressive color coordinated furniture and decor, mixtures of greys blacks and shades of blue in this current room.

Yeosang stood there humoring the fact you were amazed by his living conditions. “Anyway, make sure you get in the shower on time and the washing machines are to your left and I’ll be showering upstairs”

“Yea heard you, thanks Yeosang.” You just wanted to hurry out before you have to spend another minute around him.

You went into the bathroom and started the water, He said the utilities down here were bad sooo it probably takes a while for the water to heat up you thought. You leave the bathroom and head to the washroom to start your clothes and wait for them first. You place all your clothes in the washer and put it on a 30 minute cycle to ensure the stains will come out and that they’ll be extra fresh.

30 minutes pass and you return to the washroom after lounging in his living room. The washer went out halfway through. The stains are barely out and you’re losing it. You start the wash over and head to the shower but once you hop in the water is icy cold that makes you wince and hop out and shut it off immediately.

“KANG YEOSANG.” You screamed from downstairs hoping he’d hear and come down. Yet you see that to no avail he hasn’t came out his room and can hear the faint sound of his shower running meaning he won’t be coming from upstairs anytime soon.

You wrap yourself into a towel and rush upstairs and burst into his room and make your way to his bathroom making sure to open his door slowly and announce yourself so you won’t see him in the nude. Once you see his shower curtain is fully closed you now fully walk in.

“I heard you coming up what’s the problem y/n since you always seem to find one.” He peeks his head out to see you with an apathetic expression.

“You’re setting me up for failure. The washer went out and the shower is ice cold how am I supposed to freshen up and get home in these conditions.” Your arms are crossed and brows are furrowed.

“Ugh I literally told you the hot water goes out fast, you just weren’t listening.”

You now realize you trying to get out of his place as fast as possible has cost you to not have a simple in and out pit stop situation at this man’s house.

You let out a frustrated sigh and slide yourself down the wall you were leaned against feeling doomed.

“Here just come in here with me, I know you want to hurry and get back to your friends.”

You know deep down that this will probably lead to something dangerous, I mean it’s showering with your competition and the man you hate the mosts at the gym. But you’re desperate to get home and get to the gym in clean clothes.

“Fine you creep.”

You hop in the shower with him trying your absolute best and with all mental strength to not look at him a single bit, in comparison Yeosang is looking directly at your body while having an obvious smirk. Despite his initial perversion he turns away from you to give you as much privacy as possible after handing you a rag and the aloe soap he was using.

As you both were washing yourselves, while scrubbing your upper body you caught a glimpse of Yeosangs body. His physique was so brawny but gentle at the same time. The main thing catching your eye being his back and arms. That’s when the sexual thoughts start and you can’t help but think about and imagine how he can manhandle you into any position and get to work.

“Stop eye fucking me y/n.” He casually says without turning, as if he had eyes on the back of his head or can simply sense your eyes scanning his soapy muscles.

You know you were practically eyeing him like a piece of meat but when it comes to Yeo…denial is your bestfriend. You sucked your teeth, “I wouldn’t even actually fuck you let alone eye fuck you.”

Yeosang casually continues to wash himself down while a small laugh leaves his lips. “I beg to differ.”

Your mouth is agape and in disbelief from his snide remark..but you strangely want to push this scenario..“I doubt you could even make me cum in the first place in all honestly.”

“Bet I could make you in 5 minutes.” Oh he’s game.

“If you could even make me cum period, I’d let you get to the squat bar before me when the comp starts tomorrow.” You continue to wash your back, anticipating his answer to the offer.

He finally turns to you, having such an evil grin. He gets closer, you twos chest touching from how close he’s gotten. “Alright y/n, you’ve got a bet.”

Literally a couple minutes later

Yeosang has you backed up into and pressed against one of the shower walls, fingering you at a pace that has you biting your lip and having to control how much you move your hips to get more friction. Giving you kisses that are hungry and full of lust. Even though you feel like you’re on cloud 9, you can’t let him know how good he’s making you feel.

“Wow. I thought I’d cum in 5, I doubt I’ll cum at all at this rate.” You’re hoping he can’t clock your ragged breaths from the stimulation.

He stops and scoffs as if that’s the worse thing you’ve told him ever. He pulls his fingers out quicker than you could now and give you a stare that you could only describe as primal.

“Let me show you who’s really stronger between the two of us..”

Yeo lifts up your legs and gets on his knees. He rests your legs on his shoulders and uses all his upper body and arm strength to keep you held up. Then he immediately goes for your cunt, he automatically starts licking and prodding your entrance with his tongue.

“Put me down we might fall.” You gasp knowing you’re holding in a moan that’s itching to tumble out of your mouth.

Yeosang pulls his face away for a moment and laughs as though you said a joke. He tensed and flexed his muscles in his typical show off fashion. “Trust me, you’re not falling anytime soon.” He goes back to attacking your cunt.

He switches between flicking your clit with his tongue at an overly stimulating pace that makes you squirm and then brings his tongue in and out your hole causing you to breathe rapidly.

“You’re such a mess from my mouth alone, ‘s cute”. He mutters before continuing to move you a bit so you’re indirectly riding his face.

“I hate you, so much Yeo..” You whimper as you try to grip the slick tile shower walls for solace.

You can feel yourself reaching the edge but he stops and gently drops you back down onto your feet without you slipping a bit. He effortlessly bends you over and smacks your ass twice, causing you to yelp. He snickers at your sudden reaction and attempts to slide his cock in. It slides in and you make a sigh of relief as his moderate thrust begin making your legs quiver. But since he can’t get a good stance from the wet floor he accidentally slips out.

His cock slips out another time and he grunts in frustration. He cuts the water off and picks you up bridal style with ease and no hesitation. He walks you both out the bathroom and practically tosses you in the bed and immediately parts your legs. He holds your legs up for you since he knows you’re already weak. Both of your bodies are still dripping with shower water and now sweat from the intensity of everything.

“Now I can fuck you like you deserve.”

No warning he drives his thick cock in. You’re folded in such a way that it’s almost like it’s straight out of a rough porno. Your glistening bodies and his messy hair makes this so much more erotic. His thrust are so harsh and strong it’s moving your body upwards per each thrust.

“Hate me so bad but you’re taking my dick, pathetic. Trying to be all big and bad when you’re a bitch in heat.”

“Shut up.” You gasp from how his cock hits you at the exact right spot almost each and every time. “Me letting you fuck doesn’t mean….” You can’t even finish your sentence because moans keep spilling out.

“You can’t even talk. Is it that good ? I know it is but I wanna hear you say it.”

You cover your face with your forearm because the humiliation has you clenching around him and a shadow of shyness takes over you now. Yeosang immediately ends it though, using only one hand to hold your ankles up he moves your arm away with his free hand so he can see you squirm under him. He fucks into you harder, you can hear his hips collide into yours. His hips are relentless while fucking his cock into you.

“Should’ve known that bad attitude was because you wanted my cock. Irritated because you needed to be fucked into a mattress.”

“Yeosang I’m sorry for being so rude, speed up so I can cum please.” You can’t believe those words came out your mouth for the man you despise the most .

He stops and you whine from the sudden emptiness you feel from him taking his cock out. He lifts you up onto your knees and holds your head/jaw in his hand. He brushes his thumb on your lips.

While he stares and smirks he hits you with a command. “Open for me.” He lightly prods his thumb between your lips as if he alr knew you’d open your mouth up just for him, and you did. Your mouth wide he presses his thumb down on your tongue and licks his lips. He puts his face over yours and spits in your mouth.

He gives a nonchalant smile afterwards, and gives you a messy kiss and harshly grabs your ass.

“I knew you’d do it for me, such a good girl…let me help you since you’ve been so good.” He says while bending you over into doggy. You start in the regular position but he pushes your upper body farther into the bed and has your ass high up in display for him. Then he brings his cock back into you. Yeosang immediately starts giving rapid thrust, dragging his dick in and out like he never wanted you to forget this.

You immediately clench around him and can feel your cunt becoming wetter and wetter by the second. You keep repeating Yeos name like a mantra for good luck and moaning like you don’t have an ounce of shame in your body.

Yeosang starts groaning from how tight your cunt was and how hot you looked. He was pulling your hair and it’s a mess, lips looking plump and lightly swole from the bruising kisses and your eyes were glassy. Your body was still glistening and looked like artwork in front of him. He couldn’t help himself and began to smack your ass. You brace your body and felt like you could cum right then and there and whined loudly which was music to his ears.

“Yeosang I’m so close it’s too much.” Your pupils are blown and you feel the white hot knot inside you slowly unravel.

“Me too…where do you want me to cum, where do you want me to make a mess.” Yeosang utters breathlessly.

“In me, please just fill me up.” You know if you were in your right mind you wouldn’t dare let his man finish in you, but the fog of pleasure you’re in clouds your judgement.

“Cmon y/n cum on my cock.” He demands right before smacking your ass a final time surely leaving a mark behind. The band in your belly snaps and you squirt all over him and simultaneously you can feel him practically breeding your cunt. You’re both breathless and fall out onto the bed. Drained of energy, you lay on your stomach trying to gain back control of your breathing. You feel Yeosang leave the bed.

Is this how it ends ? You fucked dumb on this assholes bed while he washes up to come back and either kick you out or leave you alone here to go elsewhere. You sigh and start mentally preparing yourself to get out his bed, put your probably damp gym clothes back on and take a walk of shame into a cheap uber. Yeosang returns but instead of him walking in ready to tell you to leave he comes in with grey pajama pants on and a black tanktop. In his hands he has a wooden tray meant for eating in bed. There was a small white plate with 2 toasts and a glass of juice and a chilled water bottle. He gets back into the bed sitting in front of you

You quirked an eyebrow and looked to Yeo, “What’s this for, you think I need a quick pity meal before you kick me out of here” You roll your eyes while ripping the toast apart and eat it with slight annoyance.

“….Kick you out ?” He looks just as confused as you were when he presented the food tray to you. “I’m not kicking you out Its about 11pm and none of your clothes have been dried yet you can’t even go anywhere.”

An “oh” was all that came out of you. It was all you could come up with in response since you’re surprised he isn’t trying to run you out of here like you assumed and actually cares a bit.

“Plus all you ate at the gym was a fucking granola bar.”

You finish up the toasts and take the folded napkin in the tray to wipe off some messy crumbs. You brush your hands of any other crumbs that could be lingering over the tray. “I guess I’ll just text San and Jongho now to pick me up once my clothes dry.”

He lays by you on the bed, reaches to his drawer and grabs a spare pair of boxers and a large black tee. “Here, wear these and just spend the night….let them know you’ll see them at the first part of the competition tomorrow.”

You can’t believe this. He’s actually trying to act as though you’d sleep in the same bed with him knowing for sure that you literally despise him. Loathe him. Can’t standdd him.

You take the clothes and turn over to your gym bag to grab your phone. You immediately text San and Jongho that you won’t be coming home tonight and you’ll see them tomorrow.

Part two coming soon.

[bigskydreaming]

One of the most fascinating things about Dick Grayson to me, in universe, is how among those who know him well, he has probably the most famous origin story, while simultaneously he's the one who most famously has people fail to factor in how his origin story defines him.

What I mean by that is "everyone knows" the story of how Dick Grayson came to live with Bruce Wayne, and among the cape community who know their identities, this translates to how Dick Grayson came to be Robin.....

But over and over in his character dynamics and interactions, we see evidence of how thoroughly distanced he is from that origin, in peoples' eyes, compared to how Bruce and even Clark and countless other heroes are "summed up" by their origin stories and how they relate to and inform their drive as heroes.

Its in how people talk about how he's moved on from his initial tragedy in ways Bruce never has and likely never will, how seamlessly he fits in wherever he goes, how he's regarded as one of the world's most talented acrobats but how often that goes hand in hand with all the acrobatics he does as Robin and then Nightwing rather than because he was already that long before he ever put on a cape, etc.

People in universe, even while being AWARE of Dick Grayson's origin story in a way that they're rarely aware of the origin stories of more than five others of their close personal friends, rarely factor his origin story in to why or how he does various things, both as a hero and as just a person. Because there's this implicit perception among so many that he's the golden standard of Moving On, becoming more than his initial tragedy, etc.

And I think that's so fascinating to consider in light of the fact that I personally think this is the one area Dick himself will NEVER agree with anyone on. And its also why I think the Robin issue is such an unhealed wound for him, at least in any and all post-Crisis continuities that use a variation of him having been fired from Robin rather than willingly giving the mantle over to his younger brother Jason, as he moves on to a new stage of his life as Nightwing. (And there too, I think its unfortunate that so much examination/nostalgia for the original pre-Crisis Nightwing origin is focused on Dick's dynamic with BRUCE, as in 'originally Bruce did nothing wrong and Dick was ready to let go of Robin and made a choice to' vs focusing it on how the thing that was lost with the pre-Crisis origin of Nightwing is its probably the only time Dick actually DID demonstrate that he'd made a kind of peace with his parents' death and was ready to move forward from it on his own terms).

Because to Dick "I'm literally crafting my superhero persona in a way that screams You Can Drag The Boy Kicking and Screaming From The Circus But You Won't Drag The Circus From The Boy Until He's Damn Well Good and Ready" Grayson.....

Becoming Robin was his way of coping with his parents' murder and his initial tragedy, but no, he very much never DID get to part with the time capsule he'd made of that via the Robin Mantle in his own time and on his own terms (at least not in any post-Crisis continuity).

So every time someone takes it for granted that he's moved on or makes some reference to the idea that he's not defined or "held back" by his initial tragedy the way so many others are, especially in the Batfam, he just gets this wry smirk that doesn't touch his eyes, the most blatantly false mask a man known for his many masks has ever been seen wearing, and people just get very uncomfortable and hurry the conversation along, because there's an implicit hidden SOMETHING underscoring that interaction they just had with Dick, and like. They don't WANT to unpack it or examine it too closely because on an intuitive level there's this awareness that if they ever did, it would risk upheaving their entire understanding of who Dick Grayson is and what motivates him, and for so many members of his family and community who rely on him as a foundational support, a bedrock of the cape/Gotham community who they know and trust to be a certain way......that's not an uncertainty they want to contend with, an upheaval they want to make time for.

And if there's anything Dick truly resents his family and community for, I believe its that. The idea that all the information is there, to KNOW that there's a specific way in which Dick Grayson Is Not Okay and that he doesn't feel comfortable letting on about that because he keeps getting hit with signals from everyone he knows that They Need Him To Be Okay With This, and so this perception of him as the gold standard of Moving On With Your Life persists, all while he's like "I Very Much The Fuck Have NOT Moved On, and I Never Will So Long As Nobody Wants to Contend With the Fact That Its Explicitly BECAUSE I Was Never Granted The Opportunity To Do So In My Own Time and Way."

[writingonleaves]

were you sent by someone who wanted me dead? (did you sleep with a gun underneath our bed?) - jeremy swayman

pairing: jeremy swayman x original female character

warnings: swearing, pretty angsty. hopeful ish ending because i can't do sad endings, very personal but i think many can relate in their own way, cliche ish, barely proofread

inspired by + title: "the smallest man who ever lived" by taylor swift

word count: 5.6k

author's note: i'd argue almost every piece any author writes is personal, because it has their life interspersed through the words. but this one really is, because a majority of this is the exact same words i wrote years ago after a break-up. heard the bridge to this song and immediately knew i had to write something inspired by it. also trying a new format of sorts (maybe a bit meta??), so i hope you enjoy and lmk what you think!!

~*~*~

When Noelle Betsko walked away from Jeremy Swayman, holding back tears until the call dropped, she knew it was going to be a tough time for the foreseeable future. 

It didn’t matter that the pandemic had forced them apart. She knew she would still feel him for months to come.

She did the only thing she knows how to do when trying to deal with things. The one thing she always resorts to as an aspiring novelist. Sometimes on her laptop when the words were spilling out too quickly for her brain to catch up, tears littering the keyboard. Usually in her old beat-up journal, scribbling in the cursive that Jeremy claimed he always loved (“It makes your handwriting unique”) with the pens he had gifted her just a few months prior. 

At the age of 21, Noelle got her heart broken for the first time. At the age of 26, she’s about to publish her first poetry collection of sorts, all of the poems modeled after journal entries written throughout her life. So not really poetry, though her mother would say otherwise. 

She swallows as she thumbs through the middle part of the first known and binded copy of “miscellaneous.” There are only eight entries in the whole collection that are taken verbatim from her past writing. These are the eight.

May 13, 2020 (three days post-breakup, crying in my childhood bedroom)

I don’t even recognize who I was and who you were in those writings before these pages filled with love and hope and happiness. I can’t even summon up those feelings anymore that I knew existed at one point. Those feelings of complete bliss and love for someone so deep you can’t explain it. 

I’m mad at myself for not being able to conjure those feelings, because at one point, I did love you. How could something that was part of my daily life for over two years just disappear so quickly? 

But now, I’m not mad at myself. I’m mad, but I don’t know where to direct that anger to. I feel a bit empty sometimes, but then frustrated the next. Sometimes I get sad, but not so much compared to the other feelings. I spent enough time being sad during our relationship.

When we broke up, on an annoyingly beautiful Tuesday in May — over the damn phone, mind you, which whatever, it’s COVID. Fine — You told me you felt like you had been putting more effort into us. 

At the time, I didn’t react, but I’ve been thinking about how angry that statement made me. Makes me, actually. I was always very open with how much I gave to that relationship. How much it meant to me. How much it affected me. But I understand that with some people, sharing everything too much equates to things not meaning anything anymore. But you out of all people should’ve known that I mean everything I say.

I felt like I gave so much. I know I gave so much. When I told you I loved you, I always meant it. Every single time. When I told you I missed you, I always meant it. I wished you were right next to me at that moment. I mentally gave so much, because to me, I wanted to. You were always on my mind, always high up on my list of priorities. I never took us for granted.

I’ve been questioning if that was the same for you. Did you start becoming complacent?

The second thing you said that day that hasn’t left my head is that you knew me pretty well. And initially, I remember not thinking much of it. So I don’t doubt that; you always knew right when I was about to cry, even over the phone. You often knew when I was mad or upset, but when I look back now, you never pushed. Which is a good thing, to an extent. But it was a bad thing sometimes too. I knew you often wanted to give me space, but sometimes I didn’t want space. I wanted you to push. To try to understand. Maybe that’s unfair of me; it probably is. I should just say I want to talk about it more, right? 

But if you genuinely knew me, you would’ve known.

After two years, seven months and 12 days,  I still feel like I didn’t know you. Did I ever know you at all?

When people talked shit about you, I always defended you. And I still would defend you now. But lately, I've questioned what I’m even defending. All those good qualities that I thought you had, were they even real? Of course, I know some of them were, to a certain extent. But as I look back on us, there’s a lot of doubt about whether I even knew the person I called my boyfriend for so long. I know there was a point where you cared about me, but I can’t remember when. 

I often felt like I was letting you know so much about my life, but you didn’t do the same. I get that sometimes a person just wants to forget about the bad and focus on the good with a person you like for awhile. I get that. But once that was happening every damn time? That should’ve been a red flag. 

June 7, 2020 (twenty eight days post break-up, outside my childhood room on the deck) 

I don’t understand how you can give so much to something or someone and have it not be recognized or appreciated or enough. If I wasn’t enough for you, how will I be enough for anyone?

I hope one day you’ll truly understand how much this hurt. Not just the breakup, but feeling like I was always being pulled in a direction I didn’t always want to be pulled in. Feeling I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and never ever being able to win. I hate that I settled so much in the last year. Because I should’ve demanded more, even though deep down I knew you were never going to be able to give it to me.

I think back to our past daily texts, and I just don’t get it. At one point, we both meant the things we said to each other. 

Yet we still hurt each other. 

This fucking hurts.

You’ve hurt me so much, but most of it wasn’t intentional, which I think is somewhat even worse. Because I’m not totally mad at you for causing the pain. You never did anything outright to cause me pain, but I still feel like you did. 

Unintentional pain almost stings more than intentional. 

When I asked you out that night after we were both on an emotional high, I took a chance. For once in my life, I took the leap, knowing that I could get humiliated or hurt or just straight up shot down. 

Where did it all go wrong? Or, more realistically, how did we think that we could go through the wrong when it was there at the start?

I’m trying not to blame myself too much. Trying not to tell myself that I should’ve known better. 

All those times, especially at the start, when I would ask you if you genuinely liked me, you always thought I was just trying to be annoying. But you never understood that I genuinely thought that way. My self confidence from the start was lacking, and you didn’t try to understand that, because I come across to everyone as confident and self-assured. 

It hurt, when you would brush things off like that. I felt like you didn’t care.

And then, it got to the point where I stopped asking that question. Part of that is because I did become more confident and you did show that you cared, and part of that was because I knew it would piss you off.

The amount of things I was scared to talk about with you because I knew it would piss you off? I don’t wish that feeling on anybody.

I shouldn’t have been scared. I shouldn’t have been uncomfortable. But I was. And if you did notice like sometimes you claimed to, why didn’t you make it more comfortable for me? Was that too much to ask for? 

So larger than life that at the end, you faded into just the smallest man who ever lived. Fuck you.

Was it too much to ask for when I just wanted to know why you were upset? You didn’t have to ever tell me the full story (lord knows there were times I didn’t), but was it too much to ask for something? You told me once that I’m the person you’ve told the most to. How? You barely told me anything. And when I wanted to talk to you, whether it was about growing up in Alaska or why you were in a bad mood last night, you always brushed it off. Always. 

So I don’t feel so bad about feeling like I gave more effort. I gave so much of myself to you. If you really cared about me like you claimed you did, why couldn’t you show even just 1% of that care back? Or just meet me in the middle?

I could’ve tried harder to meet you in the middle, I’ll admit that. But you didn’t even give me a map or a clue how to. 

I felt so fucking left in the dark. I felt left in the dark about my own fucking relationship, something that I should be completely sure about. If you really love someone and care about them, how can you leave them in the dark? How could you not even see that I was struggling to find a flashlight?

You did care about me. I know that. To some extent and at some point in time, you did care about me. But caring about someone and their well-being isn’t always enough.

Why couldn’t you have worked with me? When I was extending my hand out, why didn’t you reach for it? How can someone just be so blind? I mean, I’m practically always spelling it out for you. 

Maybe I am being selfish. But fuck, I just wanted to be happy. At some point, you made me happy. When did I start making you feel like I wasn’t enough? Why wasn’t I enough for you?

It’s useless, in a way, to keep going about this. Because I know I deserve better. And we’ll both find people who are better for us. We just couldn’t be that person to each other.

I fucking loved you.

I wish it ended differently.

July 8, 2020 (fifty nine days post-breakup, in front of the lake)

I really really fucking miss you. 

I do. 

I miss being able to text you that i love you and not necessarily expecting a response until the next morning. I miss knowing that as soon as you wake up, you’ll text me back and assure me that yeah, you love me too. 

I’m left feeling bittersweet as I look back on memories that are just splashes and not definite strokes on the canvas that used to be us.

I miss having you as a friend. 

I’ve been having more urges lately to want to text you. And it isn’t even anything important. Just moments I experience throughout the day.

Do you get the urge to do the same?

July 19, 2020 (seventy days post-breakup, still in the same damn house)

It’s hard. It really is. And it kinda just hits you at random parts of the day. Sometimes I wake up from a dream that you were in and have to remind myself that it didn’t happen. 

Sometimes it physically aches when I realize that you won’t ever help me put on my jacket again, or complain that my hair is in your face when we’re lying on the couch watching Brooklyn Nine Nine, or groan when I drag you up to dance with me (which you never improved on, no matter how many times I tried to teach you basic rhythm). I can’t view our song the same way anymore, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to. 

The other day, I read some simple thing on Twitter. I don’t even remember what it was, but I do remember that for a split second, I could see your smile in my mind. But it wasn’t just any smile. It was the smile you gave me when you took me ice skating that first time. I remember asking you what you were smiling at, and you said that you just were taking in this moment. I don’t know if you took a mental picture that day, but I know I did. That day seems so long ago now. 

In almost anything I do, you somehow pop into my mind or into the conversation. And it’s not even in a harmful way either. It’s because you were part of my life for so long. I see a dog on the street, and it reminds me of how you always stopped to pet every single one we’s see I write something in my messy handwriting, and I remember how you always used to complain that you couldn’t read the notes I’d occasionally leave around your place when you went away. I went to the doctor’s the other day, and they said I was 5 feet and 3 inches, which is just definitely not true, and I almost reached for my phone to text you, because you would’ve cackled and insisted that no, I’m 5 feet 2 inches and it wouldn’t even matter because I’ll always be shorter than you. It’s simple and minute things that make me miss you that much more.

I still can’t listen to some songs the same way anymore, but I can at least listen to them now, which is a feat in itself. I was unpacking from college and found the teddy bear you sent me the first extended time we had to be apart and had to immediately put that out of my sight. From those boxes also came photos that I had decorated my dorm room with, and to be honest, I’m glad now that I let you keep our best one. I deal with all my emotions, besides writing, by making Spotify playlists, and I made a new one earlier this week. I think it’s helping. It’s a slow process, this whole moving on thing, but it’s one that I’m trying to be grateful for, because like most things in life, you just don’t truly know until you go through it.

Sometimes, I find myself wondering how you are and how you’re healing. But, even though we’ve both changed since the day we met, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that you’re incredibly strong and stubborn. I hope that you’re finding some growth in this process too. 

October 17, 2020 (one hundred fifty seven days post-break up, apartment in orono)

It’s been almost 5 months, and you still cross my mind everyday. 

Why wasn’t I enough for you? Why didn’t you fucking tell me what you were thinking? Why was I the one who had to approach you just because I was just so done with the silent treatment?

But I’m not mad at you. Not anymore. The mad phase passed ages ago. 

Closure is a fake word. Even a breakup as mutual and smooth as ours was still left me with so many questions that will probably never be answered. 

Any breakup fucks you up to some extent. I knew it was going to mess me up even back when we were together. But not like this. Never like this. 

But like anything in life, I guess you can never really prepare for what you think you might feel, because most of the time, you discover a whole new side of you that you never thought existed. 

I don’t miss you. I don’t. I don’t feel that love in any way anymore. 

But I did once.

You did too, right?

November 15, 2020 (one hundred eighty six days post break-up, fogler library)

I hate Halloween. 

Though, it did bring me to you three years ago. I’m pretty sure I fell in love with you right then and there. 

Three years later, you texted me on Halloween, five months after our breakup. The universe really, really wanted to fuck with me. 

It was a tough night for you. I knew that. Because I know how you are after losing a game you should’ve won. But that didn’t mean that I owed you anything and had to respond. 

We agreed on no contact if we ever wanted to stay friends. Clearly, friends is out of the picture now, but come on. A vulnerable text after a bad night because you know I would feel bad for you?

Fuck, you know how much I would hate that. You had to have known. 

Just because we’re not dating anymore doesn’t mean that everything about you just disappears. I still know your tendencies. I still know exactly how my head burrows into your chest during a hug. I still know the actions I used to do that would be followed by you attacking me with a hug. I still could point you out in a crowd. 

I looked for you in every crowd for years. 

That stuff doesn’t just go away, no matter how much I want it to. But fuck. Fuck. Why did you text me? 

I don’t regret how I handled it. I probably would’ve responded months ago. But just like you, I’ve grown these last couple of months. 

It was comforting, for a split second, to know that maybe, just maybe, these past couple of months have been hard for you too. It makes me feel human. It makes me feel like I’m not crazy.

I’m glad you texted me. You gave me another level of closure I hadn’t known that I needed until then. 

But fuck, dude. You know me better than that. You should know me better than that. 

I hate Halloween.

November 26, 2020 (one hundred ninety seven days, at the coffee shop i brought you to when you came home with me two years ago)

I don’t regret loving you, but I hate you for what you did to me. 

Or maybe not. 

I hate knowing that even though we haven’t been in a relationship in a bit, it feels like sometimes, you’re on my mind the exact same amount when we were dating. I hate knowing that I gave so much of myself and my love to you, and it always felt unrecognized. 

Fuck, will it ever stop hurting? Will I ever be able to have to stop myself from thinking about you? Will it ever stop?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

Happy birthday. I hope you enjoy it.

June 12, 2021 (three hundred ninety five days post-break up, in boston, visiting a friend)

Tonight, when a friend asked me about you and how I felt about how we ended, I was able to articulate my thoughts clearly. I’m really proud of myself for getting to a point where I can take the lessons I learned the few months after we broke up and acknowledge them in a succinct way without breaking down into tears. Just watery eyes and the occasional voice crack 

I’m also proud that I can say that when we were dating, I lost a bit of myself. For months, it was really hard to admit out loud.

I’m proud of how far I’ve come. Sometimes, I wish I could call or text you about it, because I think you’d be proud too. And I know I’d be proud of you. I am, to be honest. I do break resolve once in awhile and check on you through various avenues.

I still haven’t seen you in person since the last time COVID made us say goodbye. Maybe I never will again. But day by day, I’m starting to accept that and be okay with it. I’m accepting that memories that used to be so painted in my mind are blurry or almost completely erased now. But that’s okay. Honestly, it’s probably for the best. 

I wonder, when you think about it, if you think about different moments that I do. That’s the thing when something ends. You have to be okay with letting go of those moments and realizing that just because you forget them, doesn’t mean they weren’t important. 

I don’t think I miss you. I hesitate in saying that. Because I’ve moved on and handled the aftermath of it better than I think both of us ever thought I could. When you hung up the phone for the last time, I proved to myself again that I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. I think we all are. But we don’t realize it until we’re thrown into a situation that we think we’ll never be able to overcome. 

But we do. Whether it’s because we’re forced to because there’s no other option, it doesn’t matter. Because we get through. We move on. 

I hope you're moving on. 

And then it goes into other topics, graduating during a pandemic specifically and losing what’s supposed to be your last year of no responsibilities before adulthood. There are other poems in here that reference a past relationship, but not as much as these eight. 

If there’s one thing that Noelle did change, it was taking out the details. Jeremy may have hurt her, but he doesn’t deserve someone possibly making a connection between these poems and their shared background. She’s not a famous author by any means, but she wanted to be careful.

Not that she makes that part of her life publicly known. People don’t need to know that her brother was Jeremy’s captain for two years at Maine and that’s how they met. 

Noelle grew up going to rinks. She hasn’t gone to one since they broke up. 

But also, what the fuck? It’s been five years since she’s dated the guy. She really is over it by now, even if his rise to stardom in the Bruins flittering on her social media feeds still sometimes has her swallowing a bit before she can continue with her day. 

Brooklyn is far enough from Boston. But sometimes it feels like it’s right outside her door. 

She’s proud of her first published work. She really is. People believed in her and after numerous notes swapped back and forth with her editor, she did it. She always knew she wanted to work in publishing. She never knew she herself would publish anything.

And here she is now, two weeks after the book release, in Boston, about to do a q&a and a signing. Apparently, “miscellaneous” has been on top of numerous lists and it’s flying off the shelves. Noelle can’t really believe it and tries not to think about it too much, trusting her agent with all of that. 

She’s happy to talk about her work and process though. That she can handle. And she’s grateful for all the love.

After a signing at a local bookstore, she decides to walk the 20 minutes home in the Boston fall. It’s a bit brisk, but she doesn’t mind and she just wanders, belly filled with delicious sushi she inhaled for dinner with an old friend.

Of course it happens the one time during her walk when she doesn’t avoid eye contact with someone. The song playing in her earbuds fade out of her focus and she almost stumbles. 

Jeremy’s eyes were always Noelle’s favorite thing about him. She thought she would’ve forgotten what they looked like by now. But clearly she hasn’t. 

Her eyes quickly cast to the person next to him. It’s definitely a girl. They’re a bit too far away for Noelle to pick out details. But it’s enough. He’s walking on the side closest to the street. It’s a Friday Night in a bustling part of the city. 

It hurts. She wishes it didn’t.

Even from far away, she sees his eyes blink in recognition. Noelle puts her head back down and walks faster. 

(She cries in the shower when she gets back to the hotel. She had debated feeling super sorry for herself and going to the hotel bar but refrained)

She has a few free days in Boston before flying back to New York. When she wakes up the next morning, she debates on going home early. But no, she won’t let a three second glance at someone ruin her time here. She used to occasionally come here during her college days. She loves this city. 

The city may be Jeremy’s, but she can make space for herself here too. 

She takes her time at a cafe, people watching and eating some breakfast. As she takes her coffee to-go, she looks out the window at the bookstore she was in the night before for the signing. She almost drops her coffee. 

Jeremy walks into the book store. 

Now, Noelle is debating her options. What she should do is continue with her day and walk in the opposite direction. But she’s always been too nosy for her own good. And maybe a bit self destructive. She decides to leave the cafe and cross the street immediately, so impatient to where she’s almost tapping her foot as the pedestrian signal stays red. 

As a writer, she’s no stranger to movie moments. The scenes written in books or movies where the timing is too accurate to be real. The situation too good to be true. But after a car speeds through an orange and she can finally walk, she stops in her tracks instead, feet glued down to the sidewalk.

Because Jeremy is right in front of her on the other side of the street. Her book in his hand. And he’s looking right at her. 

The first feeling she can recognize in herself is anger. Anger at the way their relationship panned out. Anger at the way they ended. Anger at the radio silence the years following. Anger at him for everything. Angry at herself for everything. 

The second feeling is, weirdly, shame, which she’s embarrassed by. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. But she feels it anyways. 

The third, and perhaps the most prominent, is emptiness. Five fucking years later, and she’s brought back to the emptiness she felt immediately after they broke up. The emptiness that the person you loved isn’t yours anymore — who maybe wasn’t ever yours to begin with. 

Before she can run, he’s already crossed the street to her. He looks naturally different as someone who you haven’t seen in five years would. But he also heartbreakingly looks the same. 

“We should get out of people’s way,” Noelle manages to chokes out. 

Jeremy laughs a bit. Her heart lurches. “Yeah.” He starts walking and she follows him wordlessly. This is his city after all. 

He leads them to a bench under a tree with beautiful fall foliage. She puts at least a foot between them as they both sit down, staring out at the people passing. She can’t take the silence. 

“I see you bought my book.”

“I did,” he replies evenly. “Congratulations. I always knew you would do it.”

She squeezes her eyes shut. Maybe if she squeezes hard enough she’ll forget when she originally pitched Jeremy the bare bones idea of the exact same book that’s currently in his hand. “Thank you. Congratulations to you too. On everything.”

“You’ve been watching?”

She shakes her head. “No. But, you know Seth and…yeah. It comes up during family calls sometimes.”

“Why didn’t you say hi last night?”

She looks pointedly at a couple walking their dog. “You seemed busy.”

“She wasn’t-that-it doesn’t mean anything.”

“Oh. Because that makes me feel so much better,” she spits out, before taking a deep breath. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter. We broke up ages ago.”

“I’m sorry,” she gives him a look and is slightly proud of how he seems to shrink into himself a bit. “I-I know it’s five years too late. I know I didn’t handle it as well as I should’ve. But for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

The thing is, Noelle always thought that maybe hearing an apology someday would make her feel better. But now that’s heard it, she’s not sure she does. 

She swallows. “I appreciate that.”

“I’ve already read it, you know.”

“Read what?”

Jeremy runs a hand through his hair. “Your book. One of my teammate’s girlfriend recommended it and I asked to borrow it. It’s fantastic,” He looks down at the book in his hand. It’s like the cover is taunting her. “I wanted my own copy.”

“Oh.” 

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For letting me off the hook with the poems I know were about me,” he scoffs, shaking his head at himself. “You could’ve written way worse.”

She can’t help but let out a chuckle. “I thought I was pretty mean.”

“Your definition of ‘pretty mean’ is tame compared to a lot of people,” he says, mindlessly flipping through the pages of the book. “You were always the kindest person, even when you shouldn’t have been..” 

He puts his hand out in her direction, the hand with the book in it. She furrows her eyebrows. “What-”

“Could I get a signed copy?”

“Jeremy. What do you want from me?”

He sighs, taking his hand back. “A chance to apologize?”

“You’ve already done that.”

“Not in the way I want to and what you deserve.”

She lets out a sigh, turning to face him fully. “I don’t know if that would be worth my time or yours. I know the book just came out, but that was five years ago. I’m over it. Forgive and forget, right?”

“But do you?” Jeremy counters back. “Clearly, you don’t forget, which I deserve. But forgive?” 

“We’re just going in circles now.”

“No we’re not,” he says firmly. “You’re just shutting me down because you don’t want to talk about it. I’ve had five years to prepare what I would say to you if I saw you again. You’re telling me you haven’t?”

“Of course I have,” Noelle tips her head back. “But also, what’s the point?”

“The point, is that I still love you.”

“Fuck you,” she says in a strained voice. “You can’t just-you can’t just throw that shit out there. Fuck you.”

He bites his lip, and to her annoyance, he laughs. But she listens more carefully, and it sounds very self deprecating. “I deserved that.”

“Yeah,” Noelle looks down at her feet. “So…what? You still love me?”

“I do.”

“And what are you going to do about that?”

“What are you going to let me do?”

“I live in Brooklyn.”

“I know,” she whips her head up. Jeremy looks sheepish, which she didn’t even think was something he knew how to do. “Seth mentioned it when we caught up a bit ago. I also still follow you on Instagram.”

She tries again. “It’s been five years.”

“And I’m here sitting with you and still feel the exact same way I did back then. Even more, to be honest.” He eyes her pointedly. “Any more excuses?”

Her voice softens. “You really hurt me.”

“I know. And I’m so sorry, Noelle.”

“I hurt you too.”

He shrugs. “We were young and stupid.”

“And we’re still not?” Noelle says with a snort before swallowing. “I’m not the same person you fell in love with.”

“I’m sure I’m not either. But I don’t know if there’s a world where I don’t love every version of you.”

“Even after reading the book?”

“Especially after reading the book,” he sighs. “Noelle, I know this is unfair of me. All of this. And I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to reach out. But I always intended to. And then you’re here? And I see you twice in two days? I’d be an idiot to not try. More of an idiot than I am, anyways.”

“Try for what?”

“A second chance? To be friends? Whatever you want.” He suddenly deflates. “Even if you don’t want anything to do with me. At least I’ll know.”

“Why did you never text me?”

“I thought about it a lot,” he admits. “I tried once, actually, after the high of a really good win. But it didn’t go through. I got the message.”

“The message?”

“You blocked me, right?”

Oh. “Yeah,” she lies. “I did.” She reaches into her bag for a pen and gestures for the book, which he gives to her, a curious gleam in his eyes. “I’m in Boston for two more days, including today.”

He takes the hint immediately. Eagerly. “I have a game tonight, but I’m free tomorrow.”

“Who are you guys playing?”

“Toronto. And I’m starting. Should be a good one.”

She hums non-committedly, scribbling on the inside of the front cover. She hands it back to him with a small, close-lipped smile. She nods at him to read the message.

to my first fan, 

i still love you too. 

xxx-xxx-xxxx

yours, 

noelle

He looks up, eyes shining but a bit confused. 

“I never blocked you. I just changed my number.”

“Oh.”

“And even if I still love you, I’m still mad at you.”

“I know. I’d be more surprised if you weren’t.”

She stands up, adjusting the bag on her shoulder and putting her sunglasses on. “Text me?”

His mouth splits wide into a grin. “Yeah. Yeah, of course.”

She backs away with one last attempt at a smile before turning down the street.

[threepandas]

The Vod's List: Yandere Clones

The Galaxy changes, thanks to spit.

It's not even the first time it's happened, in my peoples history. But it's... kinda weird it happend? Twice? The FIRST time we actually PLANNED for it to happen. It was biological warfare. But this? This was just an accident. One that could have KILLED somebody.

Cause, see, the Techganic people? Are... well to put it lightly, we are the result of centuries of an ideological and spiritual holy war, that nearly tore our plant apart. The two sides don't really "talk" to each other any more. Or... you know... ACKNOWLEDGE the other.

They are waiting for the other to "inevitably die off, due to their own hubris".

Yeeeeeah. Fun times. You can see why I wanted OFF that dirtball.

At least on other planets? The politics aren't PERSONAL... is what I naively thought. Forgot about empathy! You know, like an idiot! Kark. Where was I? Right! Galaxy, changed, spit. Okay, sooo... here's the thing? My family was part of the bloody bone-sucking Holy Naturalist Empire. (Translated to Basic, the word "Naturalist" has more of a specific to the body? Meaning? Not so much "nature of the world" as "nature of the Self" you know? And in THIS case, the word they are using for "holy" in ancient means less strictly "divine" and more "pure like the divine"? It's Complicated.)

And the Progress Collective was ORIGINALLY this whole project, supposedly, that got WAY out of hand, became a cult, then a religion, and tore the planet apart? It was a technological hive mind that want to "perfect" the planet to a "higher state of being". And then extend its reachs to the stars.

We held the karking LINE. Died in legions. Refusing to give our bodies to be made machines. Droids and puppets. Refused to give our freedoms, our homes, our planet. Any of it. But it was at the cost of our original bodies. The only way to truely fight BACK? Was to become... poison.

The Jedi who eventually came, some how FEELING our distress, dispite the blockade the Collective created on the interplanetary transmitters? Our planet's holonet connection? Said that the creator of Our Salvation was guided by the Force. None of us could really argue. The Salvation treatment was madness. A machine so ahead of it's time, we STILL aren't sure how it works, just that it DOES.

We had a choice.

It was no choice at all.

And now? NOW? Kriffing CENTURIES later? I am STILL a biological weapon! Not do much to non-human adjacent races, but anyone human or human modified? Human descended? Kriff, even a few humanoids! If they're CLOSE enough!

I have to take neutralizers if I plan to be swapping any sort of bodily fluids with ANY race that isn't on the "verified Safe" list. For MONTHS. So it can build up in my system properly. And the side effects? Ugh. Stars and Bone, is it AWFUL! Like I GET why people do it. You love who you love. But the nausea! All those meds just to counter the side effects of other side effects!

It made me kinda glad to be single. Stars, poor cousin Tango.

Of course, I AM responsible. I always carry a FULL kit of emergency neutralizers with me. Just in case, Bones and Blood forbid it, the worst should occur. I have some for accidental blood mixing, some for plasma, a couple for bile, and the majority of the rest? Saliva. The most common accident reported. My kit even has an emergency medical guide on a lil piece of flimsy, on the inside lid!

...I feel like I'm getting distracted agai- OH! Right!!

I work in the senate building, now! Astral, right?! Center of the GALAXY! First step to making a DIFFERENCE! Granted, I am basicly the assistant nobody of no one... but STILL! It's a start! I'm ON Coruscant! That's more then most people can say! I go to work passing THE jedi temple each day! You can see them coming and going from your airspeeder!

Unfortunately? Rent is BRUTAL. I live in a glorified closet with barely a bunk and a sonic shower to my name. Not even a proper 'fresher! It's not like we're traveling. Or my species needs to avoid water! No, I literally just CAN'T AFFORD IT! And if you saw the prices? Droids be carting you off to the medcenter before you know it! Where do they GET their water? The outer rim?! Do they deliver it by HAND?!

.....I haven't had my Caf. Ignore me. I just miss feeling proper CLEAN. Sonic showers just... I know it's a psychological thing, but it doesn't FEEL as clean, you know? I am pouting. Pouty me. Unhappy.

Wait... what time is i- OH KARK!!!

See, on Coruscant there is no real "beating" the traffic. But there ARE certain steps you can take to cut travel time. Like making sure you're on the Senatorial speeder. It has right of way and is pretty comfy. And? If I get ON it early enough? Blend in with the walls? I not only can't get kicked off by some plasbone slimeball of a "I think I'm better then you" senator's aid... but they'll run their mouths!

I have learned SO MUCH that way~!

Unfortunately for me? The Caf merchant was REALLY popular today. So dignified I am NOT.

"Hold the 'LIFT!"

It more a desperate plea then an order, but two seperate armored hands immediately reach out and stop the turbolift's doors from closing. Out of breath behind my Goverments mandated mouth gaurd, I struggle to catch my breath as I finally make it. The kriffing thing makes running almost impossible. It makes most things karking near impossible.

"Tha... thank! You!" I manage to pant, trying not to double over. I am a bit light headed. It's hard to remember what I'm supposed to do when I'm like this. "Kriff! I hate running. Can.. never breathe! Afterwards!"

The lift is full of Coruscant gaurds, their mysterious gazes presumably locked onto me. I could only assume, given how their helmets were turned towards me, but ultimately it was impossible to tell. The gaurd standing next to me was more heavily painted then the others. I still couldn't for the life of me figure out what the marks MEANT. Rank maybe?

"Should we be requesting a medical droid?" Came the mechanized voice of... I was fairly sure the one to my left? I turned to address the one I was preeeeetty sure had spoken. It was a small, echo-y lift.

"No, no. It's just the mask. Makes it kinda hard to breathe. Gover-"

I never got to finish explaining. Just as we reach the Speeder platform. As the doors began to open. An explosion ripped the world apart. The very mask I disliked so much, likely saving my lower jaw from being ripped completely off. The turbolift slammed back, crashing, durasteel screeching as supports ripped apart and gave way.

Rapid fire, more explosions. The Gaurd next to me grabbed me, tucked me tight as they braced. Away from the exit. As.. the world... slowly LEANED.

All I could do was stare, terrified, down at the sheer drop of the now frantic Coruscant traffic below. Commuters desperately trying to avoid falling debris. I could hear alarms. The transparasteel below my face cracked.

Wait.

Below?

The 'lift had leaned. MORE then leaned. It was half unmoored. Hanging out into open air. I clung to the gaurd that held me, my caf dropped long ago, now seeping like dark blood through the cracks to drip... drip... drip... out into that terrible drop.

I.. I couldn't breath. My heart was pounding. Too fast. Too hard. Oh Stars that take us in the End, oh Bones and Blood, that we are! C-can't BREATHE! I managed to make a hand unseize. Rip the glorified muzzle from my face, so I could suck in air. I was drooling. Like a mad hunt beast. A panic response, I remembered distantly.

So far down. Oh Stars. We were going to fall so far down!

A creak. A snap. We jerked and swung downwards. I think... I think I sobbed. Pressed as tight as I could make myself to the red heavy gaurd. He was sturdy. Hold strong. I could hear the other gaurds working quickly and in tandem behind me. But... but I was frozen. Useless. N..nothing but dead weight.

I must have started babbling. Apologizing. Because the helmet near my head turned slightly, the arm around my waist tightened just a bit.

"You have nothing to apologize for ma'am. We were trained for this. Made for this. Not you. You're going to be just fine, all right? We'll get you out of here. Just stay calm and try not to move."

We are almost out. Almost free. When the next attack hits. The cheap duracrete crumbles and we DROP. Gravity releasing us for a few, brief, and terrifying moments.

I do not face them with dignity. I am terrified. A fractured, strangled, scream trying to rip its way free of me. Fear too great to let it. Some stars blessed 'Lift cord catches, arresting our fall violently. We slam into the side of the building the Senatorial Speeder pad is on. Throwing gaurds around the lift pod. Smashing us all together.

The man holding me has his helmet knocked off in a violent bounce that leaves his jaw sporting a shallow but painful looking scrape from someone's boot. Two panes of the transparensteel are just... GONE. Howling wind a deadly reminder of what waits below, should anyone fall through those holes.

"Hammer, Tricks! Get those doors open NOW! I don't care if you have to BLAST them open! We are running out of time and I'd prefer not to learn what the low levels taste like at SPEED." Growled a commanding voice in my ear. Then the voice turn reassuring. "We got you. You're not dying here. We're getting out, okay? Just hold on."

I managed to nod. Drool had long ago overwhelmed my mouth, now painting my chin, smearing everywhere. A mess. It mixed with my tears and some part of me was screaming. Dangerous, dangerous! But... but all I could see was that DROP. Gonna fall. Oh Stars, gonna fall! Please. Scared. Don't let go!

I pressed closer. Ignorant of the way my drool wet cheek pressed against the still bleeding wound on his his face. Ignorant of how I was doing the ONE THING I had been warned time and time again to NEVER EVER do.

The turbolift door gave a screeching clunk as they were force out of place. Toppling away. The gaurds ignored it, immediately getting into action. There was a patrol speeder clearly waiting to get into position. One by one the jumped into it. Careful not to destabilize the already precarious lift any further.

Finally it was our turn. And? With a gut turning drop as I was carried down? We were safe. The Speeder immediately making room. I cried. Clung. It took me entirely too long to remember that something might be amiss. It was only when the gaurd I was clinging to stumbled. Admitted to a "bit" of a headache. That everything came crashing back.

Like ice water to the soul.

Oh Stars! What have I DONE!?

I scramble for my neutralizers. The full anti-spectrum kit. Oh Stars! It's in his BLOOD! I stared in horror at the damning sheen of my own spit against his cheek, my hands shaking, trying to rip open the pack. A medic takes it from me. Opens it for me and reads the flimsy guide in side. Curses.

There is no way to REALLY know who was exposed to me. So everyone has to go to the medcenter. Immediately. Get emergency shots just in case. Then follow up with medical droids for a couple weeks afterwards. BARE MINIMUM.

Why? Because my spit carries organic nanites. They hunt and DESTROY anything they deem "non-native" to the body... as defined by MY species. They ignore obviously alien races but human adjacent ones? They were DESIGNED to destroy augmented humans. "Purge" them of their enhancements. They can't tell they difference. Alien humanoid? Augmented Techganic? Same thing, right?!

Without the neutralizers? The nanites will RIP PEOPLES BODIES APART. And even WITH them? All it does is soft reset them to whatever current race their in. They still cause massive problems and medical trauma as they go about "fixing" any perceived damaged. Like, you know, medical devices. Or shrapnel.

They are meant to break and cannibalize what they can. Fix indiscriminately. If it causes YOU unimaginable agony? So be it. At least you will be "whole". Die Technoganic. Pure. The pain has KILLED people. The nanites? Dumb enough to attack VITAL STSTEMS they deem "wrong". Killing their hosts before they themselves can FIX anything. They were a WEAPON. And... and I infected an innocent man.

I am a monster.

All I can do, is apologize. Again and again and again. Stare in horror, into the eyes of the man who SAVED me, and know that I returned the favor by poisoning him horribly. If there was room? I would grovel. This is... this is unforgivable.

He grimaced past the building headache. Pats my shoulder.

The worst part is... is no one is blaming me.

T-they SHOULD be...

The hand on my shoulder spasms, grip turning crushing as my savior's body violently seizes. His hands shoot to his head, limbs twitching and lashing. Blood trickles from his nose. Eyes shut tight against some terrible pain. They've GIVEN him the shot! It should be countering the nanites! The only reason he should be in this much pain would be if there was something lodged in his brain!

All at once... like a doll with his string cut... he relaxes. Just in time for us to arrive at the Medcenter. They try to usher me away from the gaurds. Push them off towards some "take care of it yourself" corner of nowhere.

I throw a FIT. Loudly.

I am prepared to sit on the floor and scream and cry like a youngling, and it must SHOW, because they hurriedly rush us along. People GET their kriffing bacta. Their technoganic poisoning shots. Yes, I had to harrass the nurses it digging the shots out of storage. NO it couldn't KARKING WAIT!

I learned my saviors name was "Fox". That he's actually stationed in the same building as where I work. The Senate.

Thankfully? "I got BOMBED" is a valid excuse not to show up to work. I was allowed to head home. Fox even escorted me. Showed me where the Gaurds all get their off duty meals. Pretty spicy! But good! I don't really notice how clear headed Fox seems. Surely he always was, right? I can't have CHANGED anything, right?

I don't notice him bracing for headaches that never come. Having thoughts that don't slip away. Seeing the world and for once... REALLY seeing it. Being about to trace all the changes back to one person. The smiling, laughing, soul who NEEDED him so much.

He...he was MADE to be needed. To serve and protect. But does everyone DESERVE his service?

Huh... a strange new thought, that one.

But THIS one... this one might make The List. He really hopes she does. Nodding to a passing vod, his eyes drift back to her. She was warm. Stands as a rare bit of bright in Coruscant's filthy everything. He'd... He'd really like to keep her. Feels too soon, but it's true.

Everyone else have their generals. What do the Gaurds have?

Maybe this? Might be nice.

He hopes she makes the List.

[luna-rainbow]

Allow me to present the defense case for Peggy Carter.

I don't mean the PC who is in What If BTW. I don't know who she is, but she's not Peggy. I mean the original version from 2011-2014, especially from recently re-watching The First Avenger.

Peggy comes off as being very aloof, detached and rather condascending at times. I argue that's because she had to be. Its very hard for women in the armed forces even today- but back in the 1940s it would have been even more difficult for a woman to hold her own in a male dominated context like the army. She'd have had to worked many times harder to prove herself and to gain the respect which her male counterparts took for granted purely by virtue of their gender and rank. If she showed any kind of emotional vulnerability or it seemed like she didn't know what she was doing, the men would have pounced on it and taken it as "evidence" she was just a weak and feeble woman who didn't belong in "thier" world. Even then... we still see people being insubordinate and talking down to her. When she punched that soldier who was making lewd remarks (can't remember his name) I don't see her being a bully. I see a woman having to deal with the type of casual sexism she probably experienced on a daily basis. When men who were far below her in rank treated her with contempt or just saw her as a sex object. No way that soldier would *ever* have spoken to a senior ranking male like that... She was also dealing with it in a very masculine way. Like another soldier would. In regards to Steve: again I don't think Peggy is ever intentionally mean or cruel to him. Yes, she's sassy and snarky, but I think she had to learn to be like that to hold her own among men. Her interactions with him in the movie are actually quite positive overall: she smiles when he uses his ingenuity and jumps on a dummy grenade, she doesn't talk about how weak he was she views him as a proper soldier when a lot of others don't: including Colonel Phillips. Even after the Serum Philips just sees him as some glorified performer whereas she trusts his judgement: reluctantly at first but willingly afterwards.

For his own part, Steve never talks down to her or views her as inferior. He was probably one of first men who did that only after Howard Stark perhaps.

When she said that Bucky was probably dead: again I don't think she was being uncaring. That line came after just after saying the 107th had been through "more than most" upon seeing an ambulance bringing an injured soldier back from the front. It seems to me she didn't want to see *another* man die in what she had every reason to think was a suicide mission. I mean, its very likely she'd lost friends before, maybe even had family members killed. Besides of which, she ended up helping Steve go on that rescue mission by persauding Howard to drop him near the HYDRA facility on his plane. Then didn't apologize for her actions afterwards even though Colonel Philipps basically threatened to basically demote her.

Finally, that scene where she fires her gun at Steve's shield: again I don't see that as bullying. When he kissed that other woman (*who did it very deliberately in front of Peggy*) it was quite obviously an attempt to make her jealous. (Not on Steve's part, but the other woman). I think in that moment she felt betrayed, because she believed Steve was different to the other men she encountered. Men who just saw her as a conquest or an airhead. She thought he was behaving "just like the other soldiers"- i.e treating women as objects, and she had an emotional reaction. She was actually wrong, but that proves she's flawed. She's human after all!

So yeah, Peggy in The First Avenger is great. She's sassy and snarky but she does seem to genuinely care for Steve as well. I see them as having a lot in common: both people who struggle to be accepted by others but find their place eventually.

Okay, before I start, I want to say that I did like her mannerisms when I first saw CATFA, because I like no-nonsense female characters. However, movies!Peggy was not a fully formed character — just as movies!Bucky wasn’t. One was the token love interest, the other was the token best friend. Hence, there are specific traits embedded in Peggy’s characterisation, or rather her story roles, that are factors of a male author writing a female love interest for a genre about macho superhero men. Which in itself is a product of the misogynistic nature of 2010 MCU.

Firstly, she’s never actually had her rank or her professional role specified. She introduced herself as an “agent supervising all operations of this division”, but all she does is hover around Howard and Philips in their offices. She’s not on the battlefield with Steve (no matter how her own series tried to rewrite it). She’s not in the field acting as a spy/agent. We are told she’s important, because somehow as an agent she’s giving orders to military trainees — a weird role but we can give her that suspension of disbelief — but we are never shown her doing anything important to contribute to war efforts. More than this being Peggy is a useless person, it’s a symptom of the writer not knowing how to handle a female professional in WW2, to the point of calling her an agent but having her both being in the science division and giving military trainee orders but hanging around looking like a secretary. And why exactly could Philips threaten to demote her? Who does she even work for? He could demote her if she’s military but she’s not. So it’s never clear that those soldiers are her subordinates, because they’re not. She’s not in the chain of command! And so why should they respect someone who’s not in their chain of command telling them that she’s going to give orders? She does have to earn it.

You and I remember that kissing scene very differently. Firstly, Lorraine pulled him into a kiss, Steve didn’t kiss her. We need to get the instigator clear here. We can debate how much of a willing participant Steve was, because that scene can be read anywhere from “Steve was unsure at first but then started to enjoy it” to “Steve was in shock the whole time and his hands came up to push her away”. Secondly, there’s no suggestion that either Lorraine or Steve knew Peggy was within watching distance, so I don’t agree with the interpretation that anyone did it to make Peggy jealous. Thirdly, Peggy and Steve were not an item at that stage, so it’s rather presumptuous of her to “feel betrayed”. What did he betray? He said he was waiting for the right partner, he didn’t say the right partner was her. She’s the one who’s taken it upon herself to demand his faithfulness. He never indicated he was happy to enter into that social contract. Fourthly, you’ve acknowledged that her emotional response to another woman kissing Steve was “flawed”, but object to that violent retaliation being called “bullying”. So let’s call it for what it is: unprofessional, unethical, unromantic, and bloody unhinged.

I’m sorry, there is no possible justification for discharging a gun at a man (and specifically in this case a man who is not in a relationship with you) over a kiss in an enclosed space at work where other bystanders could get injured.

But you know what? That scene is another symptom of male writers not knowing how to write a strong female love interest. In 2010 everyone knew it would be bad form if a man hit a woman for being kissed by another man, but violent anger from a woman directed at a man? That was seen as cute and funny and sweet. And that view exists because of the infantilisation of women. Female anger is seen as “not that hurtful” and “not that important”, dismissed as a momentary “emotional outburst” because women are prone to emotional outbursts, it’s a womanly thing to suddenly lose grip on logic over a jilted love. Where in a man that emotional volatility and violence would be a major character flaw that would turn him into a villain, in a woman that’s…cute and harmless.

So you know, Peggy was at the same level of neglect that Bucky-with-two-birthdates was. She was not a character they cared enough about to even give her a proper professional role in the army. She’s there because the movie needed a love interest. She’s there to show how unwanted Steve was before the serum, and how desirable he became after the serum. She appears, every now and then, to remind the audience she exists, but never in a way that directly affects the plot. @amarriageoftrueminds has multiple excellent metas explaining why the story could have proceeded without Peggy being present. She’s a character we are continuously told is important, but the narrative gives her only counselling type dialogues, and while those conversations are placed at narratively important milestones, none of her suggestions make any sway on Steve’s original plans before he started talking to her, making her someone who has minimal impact on Steve’s arc and on the story as a whole.

[thedenofravenpuff]

Ballora and Eclipse's Relationship - A Ramble

I love the growing friendship between Ballora and Eclipse V4 on EAPS.

Which to me is a funny observation if you go deep lore on it, like an obsessive fan (is me, I'm an obsessive fan)

Wall of text under the cut

If you look deep cut into FNAF, I always liked to consider the Daycare Attendant kind of related to creations like The Puppet and Ballora. Ballora is a marionet, a performer, a doll for the stage. The Puppet a security measure, a caretaker, meant to look after special kids, but failed (Charlie).

The DCA are built like dolls. Marionets with intricate parts, originally meant to be performers for the stage but then repurposed to be caretakers, protectors of children. Like Puppet and Ballora they stand out against the animal themed animatronics that always took center stage.

On EAPS Ballora was introduced as a vapid person, only eyes for herself, calling others 'peasants' and refusing to get Puppet's name right. In EAPS they played up how Lefty was Puppet's replacement in the TSBS universe, as a model, while in FNAF lore Lefty was created as a means to capture and contain the possessed Puppet. A failure, compared to the fates and purposes of creations like Ballora.

Ballora only showing interest in friendship with the DCA, something she feels related to. Even to a point where she sticks around even when Sun and Moon each proves to perplex her, because they are programmed so differently from her. Yet she still insists in feeling a relation towards them, over anyone one.

While still acting high and mighty over others, to Sun and Moon she is more open and calm. Wanting to spend time and expand on them as people, as individuals.

This need becoming useful to Eclipse, because the EAPS DCA are very quickly attached to him, because again, an unspoken relation binds them together. Eclipse has the experience that could benefit the two baby AI that learns and grows very different from how Ballora does, as she was clearly more 'finished' in her programming to be ready to perform while not much older than Sunpea and Moonpea. Eclipse have been both of them, he is a copy of Sun and Moon both, no matter how much he hates this fact.

When Eclipse needed help the most to get through to Sunpea about his obsession with seeing real magic, Ballora came through, recognizing Sunpea needs to be spoken to in a specific way. She respected Eclipse's need to hold some distance to things that pulls back to where he came from. To a point he THANKED HER. Granted, he spoke the gratitude AFTER she left the room (much like when New Moon apologized for Old Moon's abandonment of Eclipse, when Eclipse V3 had already left the room).

Eclipse V4 is already a friend to Earth, the one he has dared to attach to because she actually cares to know his side of things. While not taking offence but actually gaining from his refusal to sugar coat things the way her family and partner does. She isn't perfect, she needs to be told that now and again.

In this other dimension.. Ballora is gaining his trust in other ways. She accepts the things he says but dares to speak up that other perspectives exist. But not in the same way others around him does. Puppet is NOT on same wave length, Puppet is just using Eclipse and he knows it, even if Puppet denies so to themself half of the time. Ballora is full of herself, but so down to earth around Eclipse and the EAPS DCA.. she isn't Earth, but connecting to Eclipse in different ways.

She hasn't shamed him, yet tells him off when going too far. She hasn't lied to him, she hasn't forced him to do things. When she says "We are friends" it is with even more honesty than Earth because she holds no baggage that Earth has. Ballora is still young and new. She has nothing to gain from lying to Eclipse, she holds no power over him like Puppet does with the EAPS contract. Heck, I'm sure her hazing Puppet is a great source of amusement to Eclipse.

When Eclipse dropped out from that Gang Beast video after Puppet ONCE AGAIN forced Eclipse to interact with Lunar, despite his protests time and time again, all acted like they did not understand his reaction at all.

Because Ballora is the one to actually care. Eclipse has said out clearly what he wants and what he dislikes, and others, especially Puppet, has an attitude of "get over it" or "you deserve it."

Again, Ballora has no baggage to judge Eclipse with or add any 'but' to things she claims or says to him. She genuinely wants to be his friend as much as with Sunpea and Moonpea. While recognizing the DCA still has some growing to do, realizing she was programmed to start off more mature, while Eclipse IS already the most mature around. Sunpea and Moonpea are made to learn differently because they have to interact with children, with humans, directly. They have so much more to learn and expand on, than a performer meant for the stage.

I like the duality it gives Ballora. She is a primadonna full of herself. She talks to her bandmates and mocks Puppet by refusing to acknowledge knowing her name. Yet so patient and kind to the DCA and so eager to give Eclipse the understanding and care he so needs.

She truly grown on me over time, showing this much duality to herself. Her priorities and her own growth as a character, the more she learns of things she can do as (and despite of being) an animatronic.

I love her interactions with Eclipse for this. And I truly feel, with Ballora, Eclipse V4 can count two whole genuine friends, who actually cares and listens.

Thank you if you read this far. Just needed to ramble on this for a bit.

[genericpuff]

The Mishandling of LO’s S3 Mi(n)season Hiatus - Part 3 1/2

Here we go, Part 3 of my analysis of the current FP episodes - a three-parter episode set leading up to the midseason finale of LO.

Part 1

Part 2

Truth is, I had actually forgotten a lot of the weird (and very stupid) shit that happened in this episode, that I thought Episodes 251 and 252 had already offered up the worst that this three parter set could dish out. Boy, was I wrong, because when I went back to check out Episode 253, I was reminded of a reality that my brain had wiped out in an attempt to protect my withering psyche-

I also forgot just how long this episode is. It's so long that I frankly can't even fit it all into this post, so this is gonna be part 3 1/2.

Anyways, let's just get on with it. This is the final stop on our trip into absolute nonsense.

CAUTION: THIS IS PART 3 OF A 3 PART SERIES IN WHICH I WILL BE SPOILING MUCH OF EPISODES 251-253. THIS WILL BE A LONG POST. BRACE YOURSELF.

Well, it's the midseason finale, and what better way to open it up than with the final title card-

Typo and all. It wouldn't be an LO episode without one. Granted, IIRC this typo has been edited out, but the version of the screenshots I have from it feature it in all its original unedited glory. So enjoy that.

And yes, just like the last two times, the title itself only applies to the final cliffhanger, which is an absolute doozy especially for those who were there to experience it in real time.

This is already a bit of a wild opening compared to the last two episodes, but it's quickly revealed that this is laying the foundation for the prophecy that Psyche gave to Apollo back in Episode 252. In true LO fashion, the story can't actually be linear in any regard, we're always segmented from pieces of information at a time. Loyal fans will call this a "writing style", I call it Rachel just trying to get another 70 cents out of me.

That said, I will say the art here is fairly decent, but I think that just goes to show that LO's one of worst features these days - ironically enough - is its coloring. What began as its strongest feature has now become one of its biggest weaknesses due to the sheer laziness in its rendering and the colors become more and more saturated into the grotesque over time. So at this point, you pretty much have to rob these characters of their colors to make them look decent, and of course at that point it just further highlights Rachel's same-face problems. She definitely tried to make them look distinguishable here, at least, with Hestia and Poseidon being the most unique.

Now, this isn't the first time that we've heard of this herb being referenced - it was stated by Hades that Hera was the one to originally poison Kronos with the herb after gaining his trust - but to see it suddenly just pop up and play a role again out of nowhere already gives me a bad feeling in my stomach. It feels like yet another plot device - especially when presented in this type of format - that Rachel is suddenly using to try and seem "unique" in her writing, much like the strange narration we got back during the "Run For Your Life" sequence. It's just once again LO lacking any specific identity, it's always trying to be a million other things at once.

I will say, much of this in and of itself is panel filler. Why? Because the location of the herb doesn't matter. You'll see what I mean in a moment, but the mentioning of Anthedon plays no role here, it's just yet another obligatory "see, I know how to Google things!" lip service moment from Rachel "self-proclaimed folklorist" Smythe.

Anyways, Eros is perplexed by this but Psyche immediately catches on, knowing right away that Apollo is going for Zeus. And this is where we get yet another one of the dumbest sequences in this comic.

(see what I mean that the location of the herb doesn't matter? Because Apollo already got it and laced it into the cupcake).

Now, first of all, the fact that Eros and Psyche believe Kassandra's prophecy is already hilarious in and of itself, because ... well, because it literally defeats the point of her establishing it as a curse in the previous episode. Unless it only works on mortals? It never stated as such, so we literally just have to go with it and pretend not to notice that.

But most of all, of course LO had to play this off as some joke. Like, "hahaha how awkward! I've already eaten the cupcake!" and he still doesn't seem to really be in shock. Zeus has seen what this herb has done to gods before him, and yet his reaction to this is akin to a dad getting upset that he stepped LEGO's that he asked his kid 20 times to pick up off the floor. The whole "record scratch" style formatting of this followed by Zeus' lack of reaction just really makes me not care about any of this, because clearly the story doesn't care either.

But we don't see who he makes these calls to because the comic, of course, can't spend any longer than 10 panels on a single scene, so we cut to Hades and Persephone.

Again, I don't know what the point was of having Hera relay this information to Persephone for her to relay to Hades, aside from the fact that Rachel needed to act smart with Therapy Speak that didn't even apply to Hera's situation (as we talked about in the last part). They gotta make Persephone the center of everyone's world though, so it's Persephone who's delivering this info and trying to come up with the solution.

Hades, though, wants to focus on his wife's birthday the commemoration of spring.

SIR. THE WOMAN YOU WERE IN AN AFFAIR WITH SINCE BEFORE YOUR WIFE WAS BORN IS CURRENTLY GRAPPLING WITH YOUR FATHER WHO ABUSED HER AND IS NOW HAUNTING HER. THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR FLUFFY ROMANCE TIME. THERE IS A CHILD BEING HELD CAPTIVE IN TARTARUS AND LITERALLY NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE.

Anyways, apparently (for some reason) Hades is the one who has to go meet Demeter out front. Even though Hades has literally NOTHING to do with this ceremony, it's not his domain, but Persephone literally says "yep, that's correct" when he asks if he needs to go out to meet Demeter.

This just feels like such a pointless conversation and I don't get what the point of this exact exchange is. Again, this isn't Hades' domain, so I don't see why he needs to be the one to go meet with Demeter.

But then, of course, to make matters worse, this man has the absolute audacity to pretend like he's never done anything wrong to Demeter. As if she should be obligated to be cool with sharing a bench with this man who literally terrorized her for years and then essentially groomed her daughter.

I hate him so fucking much and I can't believe we're supposed to be rooting for him. He has not undergone ANY of the character development necessary for me to want to care about him.

Anyways, Hades has a seat with Demeter, and the conversation is very brief before Hades says that he has a gift for her. And what is it, exactly?

Oh great, Hades. Sure wish you would have had this consideration hundreds of years ago. I fail to see what good this does for her now because it doesn't change the fact that he still cost her the role of Queen of the Mortal Realm and treated her like shit for hundreds of years. This comes across as such a shallow and empty "apology" because it's barely even a "gift", rather something she was OWED back then that he didn't want to hand over for his own selfish reasons. He still comes out the winner here because he's gotten to spend thousands of years being a rich slave-driving oligarch while Demeter has had to maintain the Mortal Realm on her own even without the glory of having a title.

I especially detest this "twist" because it's less of a twist and Rachel finally accepting the fact she couldn't come up with anything better than what her fans had to come up with for her. If this had been the fact the whole time, we would have seen it established back when we first got those flashbacks showing Hades being a total prick to her over the volcanoes. Instead, Rachel dragged it out for weeks and weeks until finally dumping this "twist" that her fans had been talking about all that time. This is yet another one of those "Rachel used her fanbase to come up with her ideas" moments. I know that that seems a little mean and presumptuous, but the fact of the matter is that the writing in this story is such an absolute mess that you just know Rachel's writing by the seat of her pants and has to rely on her audience's headcanons to actually fill in the gaps of her story. Most of the time when people commend her for the "great storytelling" in LO, what they're referring to are things they came up with entirely on their own because of how easy it is to just make assumptions about LO's storyline. Rachel benefits off the story being as vague as possible because then her fanbase will fill in the gaps with their own assumptions and give her all the credit for an idea they came up with.

By the way, to the "self-proclaimed folklorist" who wrote this, the volcanoes were really just entrances into the Underworld. Hades did not own them. They were owned by Hephaestus. And I would argue that the volcanoes were only seen as "entrances" into the Underworld because, fun fact - if you jump into a volcano, you die!

Hades frames his reasoning as feeling like Demeter was pushing him out of the Mortal Realm, but this makes no sense because none of that is on her. He claims that he felt like an "outsider" but the reality is that he made himself that way. He resigned himself to being King of the Underworld, he ate the pomegranate and made the deal with Erebus, and even he stated that he could still actually leave the Underworld, just not for long periods of time. So he was the only one keeping himself away from the Mortal Realm, not Demeter. We even see that in the VHS tape flashbacks where Hades stumbles onto Demeter's property and she lets him sleep it off in her home. So this whole sob story about how he felt "pushed out" by Demeter is such a bad take from someone who's routinely known to make himself out to be the victim. Because Hades can't have an actual reputation for a reason, no, this is a "retelling" told by someone who got all their Greek myth info off Tumblr circa 2016 and the front page of Google, so Hades has to be the misunderstood uwu sad underdog. Even though he routinely does things that reinforce the reputation he has within the comic, like being a slave driver, abusing lower class nymphs, and grooming teenagers.

Minthe showing up for a split second in the background is the best this comic has been since S2. We stan our girl Minthe, fucking run girl, do what Persephone couldn't do. She's the real hero of this story (｡･∀･)ﾉﾞ

And honestly, I'm sorry, but Demeter really SHOULDN'T be taking the high ground on this. She has more than enough reason to be upset. For a comic that tries to celebrate feminism and holding abusive men accountable, it sure is willing to make the women - often victims of the men - the real villains who have to "do better". Except for Persephone of course. Persephone is married into the system now, she doesn't have to "do better", she's a "boss babe" for being abusive and petty and undeserving of her status because she's the self-insert Y/N character.

So the ceremony for commencing Spring begins. I gotta say, for the final major scene of the mi(n)season finale, the art is severely underwhelming. You can really tell the difference between S3 and S1 art here, there's barely anything extra done to make this scene even half as impactful as the most basic of scenes from S1.

Like, it's fine, but it still feels so half-baked and rushed to attempt to replicate the kind of art that's been gone from the series for years now. The full sequence itself is actually quite lengthy, with a lot of nymph hands just moving around and playing instruments, but it's about as bland as any other panel, so it makes the sequence itself feel dragged out and boring.

This is about as pretty as the sequence gets and it's still not even as good as the original Dread Queen transformation. There's barely any rendering in the skin, and they couldn't even be bothered to make the hands look normal. It's like it's trying so hard to be "original LO" but is fundamentally missing the point of what made the original LO so captivating.

But oh noooo, looks like Persephone did a bad!

Are they actually gonna give her some kind of flaw? Are we gonna FINALLY gonna find out what she traded to Erebus?

No. We're just gonna make her the cause of winter.

Spaghettios.

And that's where I'm leaving this review for now because, as mentioned in the beginning, this episode is a LOT longer than I remember it being. There's still a whole ass segment with Apollo that we need to cover and I don't want to leave it out but I also don't want to do it entirely in text format and I've hit that pesky image limit. So I'll be posting that second part as soon as I can!

That said, I really can't stand this "subversion" by making Persephone the reason for winter.

First of all, because this is a common problem in a lot of H x P "retellings", as many of them fundamentally miss the point of why Persephone is the "Goddess of Spring".

Persephone was not born the "Goddess of Spring". She was born Kore (Κόρη), a maiden born from Demeter. It wasn't until after she was taken by Hades that Demeter, in her grief, took away the harvest and created winter. It was the return of Persephone every six months that brought about the spring, hence, she earned the name, "Goddess of Spring". What these retellings COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTAND is that the gods aren't 'born' with their titles, they're granted these titles by the mortals who comprehend them and write of them as harbingers of their respective elements, stories, and messages. Zeus wasn't "born" the God of the Sky and Heavens, he was granted that title after he overthrew Kronos and took the Heavens for himself. Hades wasn't "born" the God of the Underworld and the Dead, he was granted that title after he became the ruler of the domain of death.

Where these retellings really fuck up is constantly trying to "subvert" the H x P myth in an attempt to romanticize it, thus undoing the point of why Persephone is called "The Goddess of Spring". A Touch of Darkness also made this mistake by putting a "twist" on Persephone's character by having her start out as someone who couldn't make things grow. But if she sucks at making things grow, then why is she still referred to as The Goddess of Spring? In LO, Hades is referred to as "Grandpa Winter" and the seasons already seem to exist as we saw in this episode through the ceremony, so why has she been called "The Goddess of Spring" this whole time?

But I also can't stand this "subversion" because it fundamentally misunderstands the very myth it's trying to "retell". By giving Persephone the "curse" of creating winter, it further robs Demeter of her own agency in this story, more than it already has. It wasn't enough to make Demeter a helicopter mom, it wasn't enough to drive an actual rift between her and her daughter, they had to take away Demeter's entire role in the story and the creation of the seasons and give it to Persephone.

And this is, surprisingly enough, NOT the first time the comic has done this. There are many traits associated with different gods that have been given to Persephone and Hades. The volcanoes belong to Hades rather than Hephaestus, Persephone is "more beautiful than Aphrodite", Thanatos' and Psyche's butterfly symbolism is given to both Hades and Persephone, Aphrodite's symbolism of roses is given to Persephone, the list goes on. Every single plotline has to involve Persephone as the hero, and every single attribute that's commonly associated with other gods has to be granted to H x P in some way to make them better and more interesting than every other cast member in the comic, and yet they still come across as vapid and boring protagonists with nothing to show for themselves.

So to give the ONE thing from the source material that made LO what it is, it comes across as so unbearably cruel.

But then again, we should have seen this coming. After all, Rachel does not cite this as a retelling of The Hymn to Demeter. She simply refers to it as its more unofficial name: The Taking of Persephone.

Look, I get it, the story is meant to be told from Persephone's POV (or at least through the lens of her being the main character) so I can understand why Rachel may have chosen to reword this to make it more clear. But it's really depressing that she went to such an extent with making it about Persephone that she had to rob one of the most integral character of her moment and retribution. Especially when one of the only books in her cited "research" that's primarily about Persephone is, shocked, The Hymn to Demeter, which is listed at the very bottom of every "research" list you can find in LO's history.

LO should have just stayed as self-indulgent fluff. This isn't "subversion", this isn't a "twist", it's just yet another item on the list of making Persephone the most Important One of all. Even when it attempts to be a 'flaw', it fails tremendously by acting as yet another aspect of her being a Mary Sue, because her 'flaw' has come at the cost of another character's story, identity, and strengths. What was originally a tale of grief, retribution, and standing up against a patriarchal system, has now been warped into a consequence of a muddied plot that doesn't have anywhere left to go. For a story that claims to be "feminist", it has ironically missed the original point of its source material entirely, and completely robbed itself of the feminine strength it could have had if it hadn't tried to be "subversive".

I don't really have anything much more to say than that. I could leave it here for good, but we do still have that extra segment to talk about that covers the actual final cliffhanger in this episode, so... we'll see you on the other side.

[apomaro-mellow]

Family Planning 5

Part 4

“You’re shitting me”, Eddie said, Kimberly on his hip. “You’re trying to use basketball to get out of your share?”

“I’m not trying to get out of my share. I’ll still watch it when I have time.”

“Her.”

“Her”, Steve amended with a roll of his eyes. “But this has gotta take priority sometimes. Unless you want her all by herself on the bleachers.”

It was easy for Eddie to imagine their little sack of joy being knocked over by a ball, powdery contents spilling out. Yeah, that wasn’t gonna fly.

“Or”, Steve adjusted the strap of his backpack on his shoulder. “You could always just come to practice.”

“And what? Cheer you on with some pom poms? I’ll pass”, Eddie said. He and Harrington might be on better terms than at the beginning of the year, but that didn’t mean he’d suddenly gotten a heaping dose of school spirit.

And so basketball started with tryouts. Steve could tell Tommy and some of the others wanted to comment on him and Eddie, but thankfully they mostly kept it to themselves. Eddie took the bag on nights Steve had practice, which meant their schedule had to change a bit. Eddie tried not to be too miffed about the sudden wrench throwing. It meant that sometimes little Kimmy was sitting on his lap as the Hellfire Club convened for a night of merrymaking.

“Hey”, Gareth said on one such night, eyeing Eddie as he bobbed the bag on his knee like an actual fussy child. “I thought you were supposed to be like the perfect family.”

“You got something to say about my parenting methods?”, Eddie asked, eyebrow raised.

“I think the last time anyone saw all…three of you together was a while ago”, Gareth said.

“Yeah, you guys are more like a divorced couple where each parent has custody”, Jeff pointed out.

Eddie gasped and covered Kimberly’s imaginary ears. “How dare you insinuate that my pup is in a loveless marriage?”

“We call ‘em like we see ‘em”, Grant said.

“It’s not like we’re gonna go out of our way to hang out together.” Eddie ran in different circles than Steve, no reason for a project to change all of that. Still, he considered his declaration to the principal. And what would a loving husband do but dote on their lover just as well as their child? 

Eddie tries bringing it up slyly when they’re together next, Eddie leaning with his shoulder against the locker next to Steve’s.

“Sooooo, when’s your first game?”

“This Friday. If you wanna know when you’ll be on watch duty, there are schedules in the office.”

“Good to know, good to know”, Eddie nodded, asking no further questions.

---------------------

Steve tied his shoes and got into the headspace for the game. He felt only a little bad about leaving their project to Eddie more than they originally intended, but what could he do? Maybe if they won tonight, he’d offer to take care of it both Saturday and Sunday. He and the rest of the team came out of the locker room to start their warm up drills and that’s when he heard it.

“Wave hi to Daddy!”

Steve looked up to see Eddie in the stands, holding their pretend pup in the air. 

“Look alive Harrington!”

“Ughf!” Steve got a pass to the stomach that he quickly caught on the bounce and shot back. He jogged over to where Eddie was. “What’re you doing here?”

“What’s it look like we’re doing?”, Eddie batted his lashes. “Kimberly should see what her papa’s been training for and how important it is to him. It’s important to share your accomplishments with your child.”

“Ah, so this is all pretend? You’re playing at being interested in sports”, Steve said. “Do you even know the rules?”

“Ball in hoop makes crowd go aaahhhhh”, Eddie said flatly.

“There’s more to it than that.”

“Harrington! Game’s about to start!”

“You’re needed on stage Mr. Harrington”, Eddie grinned.

Steve jogged over to his team’s bench, trying to forget that Eddie was over there entirely. But it was hard to. It was nearly impossible to ignore him once he knew he was there. He thought it would put him off his game. And yet the opposite happened. Knowing that someone was watching him, hoping that he’d win meant something. His parents weren’t even here to say, out of town for the weekend.

And despite his put-upon attitude, Eddie’s cheers when he scored sounded genuine, able to be heard over the others. When Steve put the final basket in with a blessed five seconds left on the clock, the first thing he did wasn’t to turn to his teammates, but to look for Eddie in the crowd. Eddie was shaking that bag of flour to almost a worrying degree, but Steve would forgive him. 

He got pats on the backs from his teammates but right after he went over to Eddie. 

“Look at you, tiger”, Eddie smiled.

“Did you lose your voice?”, Steve asked, noticing a roughness there.

“Just short of it. That’ll teach me to try and do a crammed in mini session right before this.” To Eddie’s surprise though - worth it. Steve hadn’t smiled this openly at him before. And his scent was in full force, sweat glistening on his body. 

“PARTY AT HARRINGTON’S!”, someone shouted, leading to more cheers.

“See you there?”, Steve said with a wink before hitting the showers.

---------------------

Eddie’s done house calls before, usually for parties. But it was often just holing up in his car while people bought from him. Sometimes he ventured into the house just to claim a corner. Either way, he kept to himself. This would be his first time entering on a real invitation. Not just anyone’s. Steve’s. High school royalty.

Eddie had waited in the parking lot just in case Steve wanted a ride to his own house only to see him being mobbed around by the rest of the team all the way up until he got to Hagan’s car. That only made sense. He tried not to feel too disappointed as they sped off together. Steve was still expecting him. He’d still be welcomed if he went.

Part 6

Taglist

@marklee-blackmore @aol19 @im-really-annoying @ellietheasexylibrarian @queenie-ofthe-void

@redfreckledwolf @lololol-1234 @cuntyfiedcatholicbisaster

[inhuman-obey-me]

Among Us: Obey Me Edition

Lesson 43 gave us some new worldbuilding mixed into the usual shenanigans. We learned some interesting stuff, so let's get into it!

(spoilers for NB Lesson 43 below the cut)

At the end of Lesson 42, we're taken by surprise when Asmodeus makes his wish for winning the Information Sciences part of the RAD Science Fair. He wants to have the brothers visit the Celestial Realm -- a wish that does get acknowledged as crazy, which even Asmo himself didn't necessarily expect to be possible.

And, well...it's not. Actually visiting the Celestial Realm is speculated as still being beyond Diavolo's ability to arrange, or else he would have just done that. The compromise they get instead, we learn, is that they will be allowed to go visit Babel, a place that isn't quite the Celestial Realm - it's actually located in the human realm. But it is, as Belphegor describes, "as close as you can get to the Celestial Realm" without actually going there.

Babel itself is obviously inspired by the story of the Tower of Babel. For those not familiar, this is an origin myth/parable from the Book of Genesis. TL;DR: The people of Babylon/Babel were constructing a tower that would reach the heavens. This makes God angry at their hubris, and thus he divides them by splintering their language, making it so they cannot understand each other and therefore cannot cooperate anymore -- and this is the explanation for why we have different languages/cultures today.

Babel is a very secret place, which only seraphs and the Devildom royal family are supposed to know about. Plus, to enter Babel, you have to use magic to find the entrance in the human world, and that entrance is always moving locations, so not even they quite know where it'll be at any given time -- though Solomon apparently somehow knows both about its existence and also where to find it, because of course he does. As they mention later, it really is not a place that often gets visitors! But luckily for our cast, it just so happens that the entrance will be showing up near Serenity Manor the very night they go to the human world!! Isn't that convenient?

Now, the mythological origins of Babel itself, as a name, can be traced to both the Hebrew and Akkadian names of Bablyon -- in Hebrew, it means "to confuse/to confound", and the Akkadian name Bāb-ilim translates to "gate of God".

Which brings us to the Gate of Babylon and the Test.

After Solomon dips, the brothers and MC fall through an abyss and are brought before the Gate of Babylon. Lucifer mentioned that Babel is a place that "all are free to enter, but none may enter freely". One has to pass some sort of judgment to be granted access to Babel, otherwise they could face various punishments, ranging from being drowned in Cocytus (again) to being erased from Earth. (We're not sure if that means just from the human world or...well, existence? Canonically, the astronomy of the human realm has different constellations than the Devildom...but we're not sure the writers were thinking that far about it.)

And how are the brothers and MC to be tested? Why, by none other than Raphael, who was dispatched specially to judge their entry on this day. He gives them a question/riddle they have to answer within 30 minutes -- there is an imposter in their midst, who is it?

After some back and forth, the brothers soon start panicking and lashing out at each other, accusing Belphegor of being an imposter. MC can help be a voice of reason (along with Lucifer and Beelzebub), and they come to the conclusion that the answer might be that there is no imposter.

And that's true between MC and the brothers -- but Lucifer (and potentially MC, depending on your choice) realizes that actually, there is an imposter. It's just not one of their group.

It's Raphael -- or, should we say, Michael.

This isn't the first time we've seen Michael pretending to be Raphael -- it was a twist that was shown at the very end of Nightbringer Season 1.

Michael, still impersonating Raphael, quickly runs off, letting them know that judgment has passed and they are free to enter Babel. Lucifer adds that the test was not only about getting the right answer, but also that it proves their faith in each other, which is about the kind of Celestial Realm trickery we expect at this point, and then the family proceeds to enter.

Interesting to note is that both Lucifer and Michael mentioned that even seraphs know very little of Babel, which means none of the cast, as far as we are aware, have ever been inside. This begs the question of what exactly is in Babel, along with its purpose.

Hopefully we'll find out in the next lesson!

[artiststarme]

Where's The "Talk"?

Based on a prompt from @samcoxramblings. I hope this meets your expectations! Please leave your thoughts in the comments and if you have any more angsty prompts, send them my way!

~*~*~*~

After coming out to the Party, Eddie and Steve were on their toes for days just waiting for someone to give them the ‘Talk’. They were amped up, prepared to receive loads of various threats ranging in creativity and snipe. But the days came and went and no one mentioned anything. Anytime Eddie would mention expecting a shovel talk to protect their babysitter, the kids awkwardly looked between one another before changing the subject. When Steve mentioned to Robin and Nancy that no one had warned him against hurting Eddie yet, they just rolled their eyes and ignored him. Neither man knew what the Party was waiting for. 

After a week, Eddie loses his patience and asks the kids at their Hellfire session. “Okay guys, what gives? Where are the outlandish threats of violence, the creative insults about my character, the whole shabang? I’ve been on the edge of my seat for fucking days.”

“Eddie, what the hell are you talking about?” Dustin asked him, sounding puzzled. 

Eddie snorted a sound of frustration. “The shovel talk! Steve and I told you that we were dating a week ago and no one has said anything! Is this a gay thing? Are you too scared of being homophobic to say anything? I can take it!”

The kids looked uncomfortable but Mike spoke. “Look man, we just don’t want to waste our time. You and Steve aren’t going to last. I mean, look how different you guys are! You’re awesome, you DM for Hellfire, and you’re in a band. What does Steve do? He works at Family Video all day and sure, he looks kinda good without a shirt on, but he has nothing else going for him!”

Lucas and Dustin looked at him in confusion before Dustin cleared his throat. “Eddie, we know you’re not going to hurt each other. You’re both our big brothers and you’re not actually dating. Steve likes girls! I’m sure he’s just looking for a way to let you down easy. I’m sorry, man.”

Meanwhile, Eddie looked at them indifferently. He couldn’t believe that these little assholes would say that to him and at a DnD session no less! He whipped his head to look at the original Hellfire members only to find Gareth, Jeff, and Grant looking shellshocked. 

“Do you boys feel the same way?” He asked them, his eyes flashing dangerously. 

Jeff shook his head slightly, “no way, man. We just don’t know Steve well enough to give him a talk. You know we’ve always supported you, if you want us to threaten him a little, we can.”

“Yeah, we’ll threaten the socks off of him!” Grant nodded. Gareth though just continued glaring at the kids.

Eddie nodded, it seemed there was a division of true friends and posers around the table. If his little sheep didn’t want to believe he and Steve would last, he’d show them. He and Steve were for life. Eddie was like a parasite, a viral STD if you will. Once you got him, you were stuck with him forever.

“Well, thank you for sharing your opinion. Does anyone else feel that way?” He asked them. Did the rest of the Party share the same views? He desperately needed to know. 

Lucas nodded slowly, “well, yeah. Hopper says you guys are only seeing each other because you’re trauma-bonded and Robin said that it doesn’t mean anything anyways.”

Eddie chuckled sardonically. Oh so, the entire Party was against them? Fine, he didn’t need to be a part of the group that tore his life apart anyways. 

“Alright, Hellfire’s disbanded. Get your stuff and get out. Corroded Coffin, we’ll continue the campaign as a three-piece on Thursday before band practice. I’m going to go see Steve, the guy I’m in a relationship with. You know, the one that ‘doesn’t mean anything’ since we’re ‘too different’ and ‘trauma-bonded’ and ‘waiting to get let down easy’? Go fuck yourself and fuck your precious Party too.” And with that, Eddie stormed out. 

He drove straight to Family Video and was ashamed to find that frustrated tears had started leaking from his eyes. He couldn’t believe this. After all they’d gone through together with the Upside Down and psychic killers and murder accusations, being in a relationship with Steve was the tipping point? Absolutely ridiculous. He darted into the video store and didn’t even slow his stride as he threw his arms around Steve where he was talking to a customer. 

“What the- Eddie? Hey, what’s going on? Are you okay?” He asked him before turning back to the customer. “I’m sorry, could you talk to Robin over at the counter please? Have a nice day.”

Steve gently herded him into the employee lounge and pressed his teary face into the crook of his neck. “Eds, hey, what happened?”

“I’m so sorry, Stevie. I never should’ve said anything!”

“About what? What’s going on? Weren’t you supposed to be playing DnD today with the kids today?” Steve asked him. He wiped the tears from underneath Eddie’s eyes and rested a hand on the back of his neck for comfort.

“I asked the kids why we hadn’t gotten a shovel talk from anyone yet before we even started. They said that no one in the Party thinks we’re going to last. Hopper thinks we’re trauma-bonded, Mike doesn’t think we’re fucking compatible, Dustin thinks you’re faking it, and Robin thinks we’re not serious. They’re not interested in ‘wasting their time’ giving us a talk.”

Steve blinked in surprise before his face hardened. “We don’t need their acceptance or their approval. We know they’re wrong and that’s what matters. We don’t even need a talk from them. Fuck ‘em! We can give ourselves a shovel talk if our good-for-nothing-friends can’t do it!”

“Steve-” 

��I’m serious, who gives a shit about their opinions? Who are they to judge? Dustin’s dating a girl over the radio that lives in goddamn Utah or some shit. Lucas can’t judge because Max broke up with him again for like the tenth time this month. Mike’s only girlfriend was a girl he found in the woods that didn’t know any better than to date him. Robin’s never even been in a relationship so she can’t judge us for having one. And Hopper is 100% going to be in the doghouse after I tell Joyce about what he said. Fuck what they have to say.”

“But Stevie, how are we going to give one to ourselves? That doesn’t even make sense,” Eddie told him gently.

“Fine, then we’ll give one to each other. Eddie, if you break my heart, I’m going to give Wayne adoption papers and take your last name whether you want me to or not.”

Eddie sputtered, “what the fuck? What kind of talk is that? You’re supposed to threaten me with physical harm, not whatever mindfuckery that was!”

“Don’t belittle my shovel talk! Like you could do any better,” Steve scoffed at him.

“Oh yeah? Steve, if you break my heart then I’m going to break your kneecaps so you can’t leave until I win you back. And if I break your heart, I’m going to finish what the bats started.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Eddie! Are you okay? That’s fucking violent!” Steve yelled.

“That’s the point!” Eddie screamed back.

“No it’s not!”

“Yes it is, you’re supposed to threaten to hide the body with a shovel,” Eddie said like it was obvious. 

“Dingus, stop talking to Eddie and get back to work. We have a line,” Robin said exasperatedly, poking her head into the back room. 

“We’re giving each other shovel talks since you losers wouldn’t do it. You know, since this means something. I’ll be out when we’re done with that,” Steve told her bitchily. 

“Fuck off Buckley,” Eddie hissed venomously. Robin looked shocked at his mutiny but backed away regardless. 

Steve stared at the door for a moment but Eddie drew his attention back to himself with a whispered, “if you don’t hurt me, I’ll help you hide a body.”

Steve cackled and murmured back, “you already were accused of murder once, you need to stop being so violent!”

They continue to date until marriage is legalized in the state of Illinois, where they move shortly after they deliver their truly remarkable shovel talks. As payback, they get a marriage certificate at the courthouse and don’t invite anyone from the Party to act as witnesses. Instead, Uncle Wayne, Jeff, Gareth, and Grant surround them and hear the clerk declare them husbands. 

(Hopper and the rest of the Party find out at Christmas that year and everyone loses their shit in synchrony. They all learn a valuable lesson that day that Eddie Munson holds the meanest of grudges.)

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[yawping-poets-society]

The Outsiders Musical Pt. 2: Notes on the Cast

for a master post of all of my posts about my outsiders experience, click here. i recommend looking at this before reading the individual posts!

note: i might come back and add some things to this, but i wanted to get it posted while the stuff i wrote about dally's actor(s) was still technically accurate. only two days left until alex joseph gray's debut!! yay!! read on for my thoughts about the outsiders cast! (cast member names and characters are in bold to make it easier to skim, as this post is really fucking long)

edit: i doubt anyone is coming to this post for information, but alex joseph grayson’s debut has been pushed back to march seventh. daryl tofa will play dally all of this week. yay for daryl!! (not changing the original text, just putting this info here so everyone sees it)

okay!! for starters: i saw 4 understudies. 

Trevor Wayne played Ponyboy instead of Brody Grant. I was a bit bummed about this at first but he was very good!! Everyone please pour one out for the teenager in the center front row wearing an “I ♥️ Brody Grant” t-shirt. Trevor did give them a copy of the book during the final number (this happens every show) and my only thought was “Thank god.” because like. I would’ve crashed out if that was me. Poor kid. I hope they had a good night.

Daryl Tofa played Dally instead of Joshua Boone, because Joshua Boone actually left the show on January 26th of this year. I'm not gonna lie, I was kinda upset when I saw this as we walked in (I did not know he had left until a couple days [and a tiktok deep dive] later). I’d been really looking forward to seeing Joshua Boone who I think did a fantastic job as Dally. However!!! Daryl Tofa was phenomenal. He usually plays Two-Bit so I had no idea about how he would pull this off, but zero complaints here!! More on his performance later. (side note: i believe several actors are rotating filling the part depending on availability, who else is out, etc., until February 28th, when Alex Joseph Gray will take over. However, anyone who gets to see Daryl Tofa play him should feel lucky! He is, again, really truly wonderful). 

And Two-Bit was played by Henry Julián Gendron instead of Daryl Tofa and Steve was played by Ryo Kambayashi instead of Renni Anthony Magee. These weren’t very noticeable changes imho, and as with all of these actors, i wouldn’t have been able to guess they weren’t principles if i hadn’t known.

Everyone involved with the show is incredible, and I was happy to have seen understudies, as it really makes the experience unique! I wasn’t sure how I felt at first, as this will very likely be my only time seeing the show, at least on Broadway, but as soon as Trevi walked up the aisle and hopped on stage, I bought in. At the end of the day, I was there to see The Outsiders, not Brody Grant (Again, pour one out for that kid). And the show was wonderful.

With that out of the way, let’s get into it!

My favorite performance of the show was Brent Comer as Darrel Curtis. This came as a surprise to me, but the more attention I paid to him, the more wowed I was. The strength of his voice and his ability to project were pretty much unmatched by the rest of the cast. His voice also had a really rich quality to it that I personally enjoyed, mostly just because of his low range. There's such an openess to it, if that makes any sense.

Darrel hasn’t ever been my favorite character before (I’ve been a Dally fan since day one), but I left this show wondering why that was. Perhaps because the musical gives us more one-on-one time with him, more of the story from his perspective,  I found myself really connecting with him in a way I hadn’t before. He really is stuck with nowhere left to go, and though he does put up a tough front for the most part, we get to see this facade peel away somewhat��especially when Pony is at the church, and Darry is alone with Sodapop.

In the song “Throwing in the Towel,” all of his resentment and frustration from earlier in the show fall away to reveal what it was really all about in the first place–he cares and worries about his little brothers, who he now is essentially raising. And oh, my goodness, Brent Comer just plays it so well. The heartbreak and utter defeat that he’s feeling are so evident. Also worth mentioning–in that song and in the following number, “Soda’s Letter,” there are some three-part Curtis brother harmonies that are pretty cool on the cast album, but utterly mind-blowing live. I wish I could remember exactly how they sang it, but alas, the excitement overrides everything. It was really magical, and I do know for certain that Brent Comer absolutely soared. I think he did some kind of opt-down? God I don’t even know, it was just so fucking amazing.

Additionally, in a scene towards the end including all three Curtis brothers, Darry and Soda are sitting at the dining table, and Pony comes out of his room to join them. He asks to eat dinner, and it’s been stated before that he’s barely eaten in weeks. When Soda asks what Pony was writing, etc. etc, they reach a point where Soda asks if he will be in the story, Pony says Darry might be too. Darry says, “Oh, great. Just make sure to give me fantastic hair.” and he is visibly crying. I think this starts around when Pony asks for food, but I’m not quite sure. Regardless, it is so emotional, and communicates so much about how much Darry cares about his brothers.

So yes! Yay for Brent Comer!

Trevi Wayne’s Ponyboy was so funny. Like, I’m not sure how Brody or anyone else plays him, but he had so many line deliveries that really drove home that he was a fourteen year old boy. 

Standouts were: 

Him and Johnny sizing each other up, and swaggering very slowly over to Cherry and Marcia at the drive-in

His A++ delivery of, after Cherry tells Pony not to take it personally if she doesn’t say hi to him, “I’m not gonna lie, that didn’t make me feel too hot.” This actually got some of the most laughs of anything in the entire show, and deservingly

His and Johnny’s exchange in the church, after Johnny has dyed Pony’s hair. Pony asks, so abruptly, it’s like he’d been fighting it back and couldn’t, if he looks like Julie Andrews. Johnny says no, he looks more like Burt Lancaster in Elmer Gantry. Ponyboy replies, “Burt Lancaster’s a sissy! And Elmer Gantry is a terrible movie!” And when I tell you Trevi absolutely delivered the annoyance, indignation, and distress that a fourteen year old boy would feel in this situation, I really mean it. Johnny, rather helplessly, offers up, “Paul Newman, then.” Pony pauses, looks at Johnny like he doesn’t quite believe him, and then, mood instantly lifted, says: “...no shit?” Maybe this doesn’t sound funny reading it like this. I PROMISE you, it was so fucking funny live. I loved it.

He just really seems like a kid, it was wonderful and he was great. He also has a lot of vulnerability, especially in scenes where he’s narrating, such as right before the church fire, and when we see Dally’s death, which further drives home just how young Pony is. He had so much sorrow, it was really remarkable. And of course his singing voice is amazing.

Moving on to Daryl Tofa, the man that he is… Like Trevi with Ponyboy, Daryl plays Dallas very young, very playful at times. I loved this decision!! He’s just so so good and I don’t actually know what else to say hmm… His scene with Johnny (new for the show) before the drive-in was INCREDIBLE. He doesn’t push Johnny, he’s careful with him, his delivery of “I’ve got a hershey bar” and him dangling it in front of Johnny was maybe the most adorable thing that happened all show. His whole relationship with Johnny and Pony, actually! The protectiveness and love he feels for them is so evident.

Also! Daryl’s version of - “Little Brother”. I don’t know if other actors do this, or if he does this every time, but he screamed “does anybody care” before returning to singing “when a greaser disappears.” This already hits hard in the cast album, and I was in no way prepared for this delivery of it. I’m pretty sure I jumped, and it echoed around the theater in the craziest way. I started crying right then, it was so powerful.

Dally's death scene, also? Heartbreaking. Devastating in every way. How he dug his feet in just as Pony said maybe he did, but how he eventually winced and curled in on himself, bracing for impact. I'm not crying you are.

Short(er) notes on other cast members, in no particular order:

Jason Schmidt🩷 ❤🧡💛💚💙💜 and yeah that’s mostly what I have to say. I love him, he plays Sodapop equal parts hilarious and tender, and brings all the necessary nuance to his character. His singing voice? You’ll never believe it, it’s also great. I love the roundness of it, I love how much energy he puts into every single note of every song. “544 FUCKING PAGES?” iconic. King shit. The way he comforts Darry in “Throwing in the Towel”....don’t even. Oughhhh Curtis brothers save me…save me Curtis brothers. Sorry this is so incoherent, I just think he’s neat.

Emma Pittman was Cherry Valance and goodness, does anyone exist more perfect for the role? Her voice is crystal clear. She’s strong when she needs to be, but also gentle and sensitive. She holds herself with such poise and grace, just like you would imagine a Soc girl would. In the scene where she brings Johnny’s things to the Curtis house, the way she talks about the sunset, in an effort to get a response from Ponyboy, is just heartbreaking. Incredible. Her inner conflict is clear and I loved her.

Dan Berry was Paul, he was great and would’ve been even better if he’d kissed Darry instead of punching him, but nobody’s perfect.

Kevin William Paul plays Bob and the cop in acts one and two respectively. Frankly I almost laughed out loud at “Eat shit, Marcia,” and I would have if I wasn’t lowkey scared of him. He’s intimidating, both as Bob and as the cop. In “Justice for Tulsa”, when the cop is interrogating Dally? Yeah, that was genuinely frightening.

Melody Rose as Beverly–Speaking of things that were scary, Beverly burning Two-Bit with her cigarette during “Justice for Tulsa” was also just plain upsetting. Melody Rose does it with such sass I honestly can’t be anything but impressed. Go girl go!

Marcia was SarahGrace Mariani, who was very funny in the drive-in scene, but also shows real grit in standing up to Bob. It was really sad to see her not side with Cherry in the end of the split among the Socs. Also, the costume eats? Yeahhhh

Henry Julián Gendron as Two-Bit! Funny as hell, I wish I remembered more about his performance, especially his “Hoods Turned Heros”.  Argh oh well.

Tilly Evans-Krueger’s Ace saying “You wish” lives rent-free in my head. You wish you were as cool as her. What are she and Two-Bit doing under that bench at the drive-in?

Ryo Kamibayashi as Steve was great! He does not do too too much if we’re being so real, but like! He’s still great! It’s the little things, like how devastated he looks after Johnny dies, that really make his performance sing.

Okay, I think I hit everyone I really wanted to! Overall, the whole cast is fantastic!! Every single person is so talented, and they all make the show what it is.

[hisuian-history-makers]

Indigo Park: Salem the Skunk (Theory and Headcanons).

Truthfully, we don’t know much about Salem besides the fact they are a potion maker and briefly appear in the arcade game. Their bio revealed that they’re an antagonist to Rambley.

Theory: Salem is the most recent character in the Indigo Park cast.

Their punk design doesn’t really fit the rest of the cast and Rambley’s lines when you show the retro Lloyd Plush has an interesting detail.

“Where’s my limited edition throwback plush?! Where’s Mollie’s? Where’s Finley’s?”

Immediately he mentioned the rest of his friends not getting a retro plush either. Granted, this could be a situation where he dislikes Salem so much he doesn’t mention them… Yet he always mentions Lloyd/doesn’t refuse to say the lion’s name. So what’s the deal with Salem?

The Finley cutout’s line about Rambley knowing him for 100 years could potenially just be flavor text, but the retro plush info mentioned there was an actual old cartoon.

Not too sure about the theories which pin Salem as turning the animatronics(?) against the park guests. That seems a little too cut and dry for me given Salem was part of the cast too.

———————————————————————

Headcanons:

—Salem’s also known to use contraptions to get out of hairy situations in their character bio. Leading me to believe they weren’t always a potion maker, but rather a Scientist!

—The original documents on their character design were lost leading to many people not knowing Salem’s gender, thus non-binary. They could have stolen their own designs actually…

—Ironically, they and Mollie can stand to get along due to both of them knowing a great deal about engineering/tech. Mollie does crash her plane often enough that learning how to repair it would make sense. I could see Salem helping her repair the plane to get the macaw out of their forest. (This annoys Rambley to no end.)

—Because of Finley’s shyness, the two have rarely interacted. Though—I could see the first meeting have been when Salem went potion ingredient hunting and stumbled upon Finley. They were intimidated by his sheer size, surely.

—Salem dyes their hair stripe. Not always pink.

—The skunk uses the employee utility tunnel to photo bomb park goers, Rambley’s Railroad, and even selfies. They love sneaking up on people because they don’t think a six-foot purple skunk would be even remotely stealthy.

—Them and Lloyd will trade verbal barbs in mock offs behind the scenes. He’s the only one who gets their vicious sense of humor.

—Whether as an animatronic or AI, Salem often steals items from the gift shops to “decorate” statues around the park. They hate the one statue of Rambley and Mr Indigo because the head can track them no matter how they move.

—Salem has accidentally caused the park to lose power a few times from their experiments getting out of hand. The fact these made the now AI-Rambley to get shut down doesn’t bring as much joy to them as you might think.

—The skunk is currently trying to juryrig a computer to be able to fit their paws so they can see what this “Minecraft” game is about. It had potion making apparently?