#***i am not making this into a joke i’m just still so sad and incredibly angry

[hariboz]

maybe i should just stick with fictional men

[ondeemand]

Transformers One Review

For the sake of convenience, I’ll be referring to the characters as their new names (Optimus Prime, Megatron, Bumblebee) instead of their old ones (Orion Pax, D-16, B-127).

Also, I didn’t grow up with Transformers, so this will be mostly from an outsider’s perspective. I can’t tell what possibly was or wasn’t a retcon or how accurate to the source material it was, but I think the background info on their world held up very well and they were able to explain it clearly to new viewers like me. It definitely would have hit harder if I grew up with Transformers and knew more than just facts from cultural osmosis, but I still enjoyed the movie a lot.

Notes/Things I’m Neutral On

Very weird to hear my name (Dee) being said throughout most of the movie by Chris Hemsworth’s bad American accent.

Also, I forgot that Megatron has transformed into ground vehicles before. I only ever knew him to turn into a jet, so I was kind of confused that he was a tank in this movie. I hope we get to see him get upgraded to a jet in the next one, but the tank is still cool.

Pros/Things I Liked

Simple but effective color theory with their eye colors. Main good guys have blue while Megatron has yellow, sitting between good and bad. Still a friendly color at first, but slowly turns closer to orange and then fully red as his anger and hatred consume him (and after he met the red-eyed Starscream, a cowardly man who ends up enabling Megatron‘s more violent/aggressive tendencies)

○ Also I don’t know if I was just seeing things, but it looked like Megatron’s eyes got more yellow whenever he looked at Optimus which is so sad and so gay.

I really thought they were gonna push a romance between Elita and either Bumblebee (goofy manchild x competent woman trope) or Optimus (male lead x female lead, blue x pink), but I was pleasantly surprised that they didn’t. Sadly, there’s still time for it in future installments, but I can dream.

Not to be gay, but spider woman sexy. Airachnid was so obviously evil that it was funny, but I can’t fault Sentinel for having her around because I, too, would want a deadly goth woman to be my right-hand lady. They felt like the evil, less developed versions of Mustang and Hawkeye. I am in love.

The animation is gorgeousssss. The environments, the character designs, the fight choreography, the transformations, the lighting, the texture, mwah mwah MWAH STUNNING!!!

○ Sorry, I’m never gonna stop talking about this. The way they were able to make square/blocky figures move so fluidly was fantastic (and proof of concept that a fully animated Minecraft movie would have worked). ○ The camera angles were also great for framing both the dramatic, intense, and/or high-action moments like fights or chase scenes, while also adding a lot to the comedic moments. Like when the camera stays tracking Optimus’ face when running through the forest, only for him to suddenly fall down a cliff neither he nor us saw coming, only to then zoom out to the perspective of the guards below, showing them stumbling and falling. ○ The contrast between the mechanical and organic elements on the surface were really cool, and the way it was introduced was able to convey this idea that organic life was this strange, alien thing. ○ The way the surface just rebuilds itself into these jagged, blocky terrains was really unique and interesting! It felt like a glitched computer model because of its rougher shapes which really added to the fear and hostility of the surface.

90% of their jokes landed and they landed hard. The bit where Optimus looks like he’s about to transform and then just fucking books it is incredible. The audio and camera work help add to these as well, like the music building as Optimus pretends to transform, the camera zooming in close to different parts of him, only for all background noise to cut out as it shows Optimus running away. I won’t name every joke and quip I found funny or we’d be here all day, but they’re certainly a highlight of the movie.

I love Keegan-Michael Key, but I wasn’t a fan of him as the comic relief character of Toad in the Mario movie. When Bumblebee showed up I got a little nervous, but I really loved his performance of the character.

I really liked the midpoint pep talk about hope. That’s a really nice reason that Optimus is the leader despite not being as skilled as other people. He has the hope for a better future and it was a core part of his character from the beginning, and I really like the idea that a leader is someone who can envision a brighter future no matter what.

Alpha Trion transforming was SICK AS FUCK!!! I love that he was more animalistic when the rest of the cast become vehicles. His final fight was so cool, and it actually made me kind of emotional to see him at the end with the rest of the Prime ghosts.

The stabbings? The beheadings?? The branding??? The way Megatron tore Sentinel in half and then ripped his heart out on-screen holy shit???? This movie was incredibly brutal and I loved it. It’s such an interesting phenomenon that children’s media is allowed to be about as graphic as they want as long as it’s against robots, even incredibly sentient ones like in the Transformers series.

○ I watched the 1986 Transformers movie for a class earlier this year, and while it also had a lot of brutality in it’s fights, the new movie felt more intense. Part of this could be attributed to me watching the 2024 movie on a big screen vs the 1986 movie in my living room, but there are other reasons as well. The 1986 movie had more upbeat songs playing over the fights, specifically songs like The Touch and Dare, which helped keep the tone lighter and more exciting. The 2024 movie didn’t have anything like that, allowing the action, while still cool and exciting, to take on a more serious tone. This is also emphasized by the graphics of the movie being 3D instead of 2D. While the 2D 1986 movie is a stunning masterpiece, people still view it with the idea in mind that, since it’s a cartoon, the stakes and story will be less intense. The 2024 movie being 3D with very detailed graphics and lighting already has more visual intensity. The characters are still these bright, poppy colors, but they can come across more moody and dark due to the environments, lighting, and textures that the 3D medium more easily allows. And while the painted backgrounds and cell shading of the old movie are great, the CGI backgrounds are a lot closer to realism, so the harsher elements like metal and rock, which make up a vast majority of the environment and characters, look real too.

The way Megatron’s hate consumed him to the point where he started acting more villainous and, while not entirely similar to Sentinel, still ended up hurting innocent people was tragic. Trying to push away and deny everything about a person only to wind up being just like them. This was perfectly shown in the end credit scene where Megatron is branding himself and the new Decepticons with Megatronus Prime’s face. To him, it may be him reclaiming the traumatic experience and literally using it like a badge of honor, as well as thinking he’s honoring Megatronus Prime. But in reality, he’s just inflicting the same trauma done to him onto others, just like Sentinel. Such a cool way to show how every villain is the hero of their own story.

The doomed yaoiiiiii I’m never gonna get over them. The only other Transformers media I’ve consumed is the 1986 movie, which kills off Optimus Prime in the first 25 minutes and Megatron becomes Galvatron, so I never knew the depths of their homoerotic relationship.

I’m a sucker for “the hero and villain used the be friends (and maybe even lovers?)” trope, so Optimus and Megatron’s relationship and the general premise of the movie was already a slam dunk for me.

I’m also a fan of legacy stories like Avatar and She-Ra. While this movie didn’t get as in-depth with the concept, I enjoyed that they played with the idea of legacy and taking up the mantle of the former Primes.

I absolutely loved the end message that Optimus gives us. Hope, freedom, and autonomy are incredibly important things to learn, and as a trans person who very much wants to keep control over what I do with my body, I really resonated with that last one. I think it’s really cool that they included a message like that in this children’s movie about robots that turn into cars.

Regarding the message of autonomy, I love that it gives the term Autobots a new meaning. Auto meaning “automobile”, since they transform into cars, and Auto meaning “self”, as they are now fully their own bots with control over themselves.

Cons/Things I Disliked

Mid vocal performances from everyone except Brian Tyree Henry and Keegan-Michael Key. And as I mentioned before, it was hard not to focus on Chris’ attempts at an American accent, not to mention how recognizable his, as well as Scarlett Johansson’s, voices are.

The plot felt a little disjointed in the first 1/3-ish.

○ Good setup with the main characters being an oppressed working class with one dreaming of better things and the other hesitant to fall out of line or take risks. But then suddenly there’s a race, and then they’re in it, and then they lose, and then their leader wants to promote them. At first it feels like there are hints that he’s a scummy celebrity-type and that meeting their hero is what will spur on the disillusionment with their society. But then some random douchebag that doesn’t like them reassigns them which goes against their leader’s command, and that’s how the plot kicks off? ○ Also, Elita’s involvement felt kind of rushed/hand-waved. They all get stuck on the surface, but instead of trying to make her way back to report them like she was saying she would for the past few minutes, she makes a complete 180 and heads the expedition herself. ○ It all just felt a little strange, but once it got going the rest of the plot felt fine.

Megatron’s descent into “evil” felt kind of rushed. I understand that he feels betrayed and I really love where the character ends up by the end, but it felt like a real 180 without a lot of build up.

Some jokes fell flat or felt annoying and kinda cringe. That’s the territory of children’s movies though, so par for the course.

TLDR

Overall, this movie was a really fun watch and I’d love to go see it again. While some parts fall a little flat, the movie is lifted from mediocrity by its many Pros. From the stunning visuals, to the quick humor, to the tragic origins of two friends driven apart by their ideals, I’d recommend this movie to anyone interested in animation or the Transformers brand.

8.82/10

[a-kaash-me-outside]

not fair - ch1

in which your boyfriend is perfect in every single way... except for one and kei can't just sit back and watch you suffer... ch1 | next [masterlist]

// "i don't know if you could handle me" ~ ᴛsᴜᴋɪsʜɪᴍᴀ ᴋᴇɪ x ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ ~ 9731 ᴡᴏʀᴅs

a look into this chapter/tw: 18+ super nfsw!, cheating (seriously, major plot point), use of character first names (idk what got into me when i wrote this 3 years ago), degradation, choking, face-fucking, dom/sub undertones, face slapping, stop light system, squirting, dirty talk, mentions of unconscious fucking, the smallest amount of plot that becomes more prevalent as the chapters continue on, soft after sex kei, cross posted from ao3, afab reader she/her pronouns

send an ask and i’ll add ya to the taglist! ~ ♡ ʀᴇʙʟᴏɢs ᴀɴᴅ ɪɴᴛᴇʀᴀᴄᴛɪᴏɴs ᴍᴇᴀɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴡᴏʀʟᴅ ♡

It wasn’t unusual for Kei to be over while Tadashi was out of town. It happened quite frequently, actually. You two were best friends, even before Tadashi was in the picture. You never let anything come between you two, not even Tadashi. Tadashi understood too. He was never jealous of the time that you spent together or accusing towards the two of you and flirting remarks you would pass. You and Kei were just… well, you and Kei.

But tonight was different. Tonight, you were in yours and Tadashi’s bedroom, which wasn’t the unusual part. Tonight, you were both on the bed, which also wasn’t the unusual part. Tonight, you were sitting with your chin on Kei’s chest and your leg between his legs, your knee resting on his crotch. This wasn’t even an unusual position for the two of you, who often would press yourselves together in intimate positions. Tonight, you finally admitted to Kei that Tadashi has only made you come twice in the entire time that you’ve been together. 

“What? Like, dating? Or?” Kei asks, his eyebrows furrowed together, looking thoroughly disgusted and confused, “because it could just be that you’re both too soft n-.”

“Like, ever, Kei,” you interrupt, looking just as confused and disgusted as Kei was. 

“That’s horrible,” he scoffs, “You just let that happen?”

“I don’t let it happen, Kei. It just happens.” You rest your head completely on his chest, sighing dramatically. “He’s amazing. He’s incredible. He’s so nice and he’s kind and he’s pretty and he’s everything that I need!” 

Kei scoffs again at your words, “but he can’t make you come?”

“But he can’t make me come,” you repeat, shaking your head against Kei’s chest and then look back up at him. “I just, I haven’t gotten off from someone else in so long. Only me, alone, in the bathroom.”

“That’s so sad,” Kei says, the disgusted look still lingering.

“What else am I supposed to do about it?” you groan, frustrated. 

“Get someone else to fuck you,” Kei shrugs. He doesn’t laugh or hint at a joke. He’s being serious.

“Wha- What? I can’t do that…,” you hide your face from Kei, ensuring that he doesn’t see the redness on your cheeks.

“Sure you can. Look, you have needs, okay. He can’t satisfy them. You just have someone else do it.”

“I don’t trust anyone enough to do that.” You feel horrible even contemplating the option. A terrible light bulb goes off in your head. 

“You…,” you start, hesitantly. Kei’s eyes widen immediately at the start of your sentence. 

“No. No, absolutely not. He’s my best friend,” Kei shakes his head.

“You’re my best friend,” you say, softly. “I don’t trust anyone else! You said it yourself. I have needs, Kei. He can’t satisfy them. I have to find someone else to do it.”

“You’re really going to use my own words against me?” 

“Yes,” you state so matter-of-factly. 

“No. I won’t,” he shakes his head, looking away from you, but not moving you from on top of him.

“Kei, please! I couldn’t do this with anyone else, but I’m just,” you take a deep breath, ready to lay all of your shame out on the table. “I need this. I’m so desperate, please.” Kei introduced this idea to you and so quickly you needed it to become a reality. You needed it to become a reality with Kei. 

Kei looks you over, your chin pressed against his sternum as he breaths. “Fine. You want to know the real reason?” Your interest is piqued. You tilt your head, curiously. 

“Hm?” You can’t believe you’re even having this conversation, but now you’re in too deep. 

“I don’t know if you can handle me,” Kei pushes you off of him and promptly gets off the bed. 

“Wha- What do you mean?!” You’re offended. He’s acting like you’ve never had sex with a condescendingly cold person before. You scoff at this statement, rolling your eyes dramatically, and standing up with him, following him.

“I mean, I don’t think you can handle me,” he repeats himself, not wavering his tone or message. He adds after a second of your angry face, “You’ve been with Tadashi for almost 2 years. You guys have probably been having vanilla, missionary sex, maybe doggy style if you’re feeling extra spicy, the entire time you’ve been together.” He waits for your objections before continuing, interrupting them, “I know I’m not wrong and I know Tadashi. He’s just as nice and “sorry, (y/n)!” in his day to day as he is in bed.” You’re silent. You know he’s not wrong. 

Tadashi has always been so accommodating and kind in every aspect of your relationship. He tries so hard in bed, he really does, but he’s made you cum maybe twice in your entire relationship with the help of yourself, though he would probably claim many more times than that seeing how often you fake it. You hate yourself for it, but you’ve tried so hard to teach him, to show him, to tell him exactly what you want and how to do it, but he never gets it. It’s exhausting and has been way easier to just to fake it and then finger yourself later in the bathroom after he’s gone to sleep.

You want Kei so badly. You want to come so badly and you know that right now is your only chance. “I- I can handle you.” Your voice is much more timid and much less convincing than you anticipate it being. 

“I don’t think you can.” Kei’s voice, in contrast, is steady and low, already causing your core to feel warm. 

“I can, Kei, I can. Please,” you hold onto his arm, looking up at his face, pleading, “please.” You sound much more confident, and also much more despairing as you whine for him. He looks at you for a few moments, his eyes trailing up and down your body and finally stopping on your eyes, searching for the overwhelming excitement and consent that he needs to move forward.

“Are you sure you want this?” he asks. This is the final time he’s going to ask or question you. He needs you to be absolutely positive because he’s not going to hold back. You nod desperately. “Verbal consent, (y/n), I’m serious.”

“Yes, fuck, yes, Kei, please. I need this. Please, I can handle it, anything, please.” The string of words leaves your mouth quickly. Kei waits another few seconds after, giving you plenty of time to change your mind before closing the gap between you both. His lips are on yours and his tongue is in your mouth so quickly. He’s holding your jaw as he tastes every inch of the inside of your mouth. He sucks your tongue into his mouth, hard, allowing you to explore his mouth. His tongue is harsh against yours, but it feels so good. He pulls away abruptly, already lifting your shirt over your head and running his hands down your body, his hands sculpting around every curve. 

“If at any time this gets too much for you,” he presses kisses into your neck, nudging your chin upwards as he starts to softly roll the skin between his teeth. “Yellow means we’re moving to somewhere you’re uncomfortable with.” He licks your neck, pressing his entire tongue against your skin. When he pulls away, the air is cool against the freshly wet flesh. “Red means that you’re uncomfortable and you want to stop immediately.” He moves down to your collarbones, nibbling on them and breathing heavily against them. 

“If you can’t speak,” he grabs your hand and taps 3 distinct, hard times against your skin with two fingers. “3 taps, hard so that I can feel them without a doubt, and two fingers to know it’s intentional.” His eyes are on yours, his look stern and serious. “Do you understand?” You nod, overwhelmed with all of this information.

“(y/n), verbal consent. I don’t fuck around,” he says, his eyebrows raised expectantly. 

“Yes,” you nod confidently, despite the questions forming in the back of your mind. Maybe you couldn’t handle him. You weren’t expecting this level of safety precautions, maybe just a safeword considering how he made out that you couldn’t handle him. Maybe he was right. 

“Repeat.” Kei’s lips are back on your throat, sucking the skin so hard that you feel the bruises forming almost instantly. His hands are reached around to your back, one hand sliding down over your ass and the other unhooking your bra before you notice what he’s doing. He tosses it to the side and presses himself against you, your nipples dragging against the fabric of his shirt as he massages into the flesh of your ass. 

You can’t exactly think straight, but it’s important that you remember these even when you can’t think. “Y- Yellow means caution, that I’m starting to f- feel uncomfortable about something.” Kei digs his fingers into your flesh as he moves his head down, capturing your nipple in his mouth and twirling his tongue around it. “Fuck,” you moan, tilting your head back. 

He pulls away from your nipple, the cold air feeling even colder on your spit sheened nipple, causing it to get even harder. “What else?” 

You answer quickly, just wanting to feel his tongue on your nipples again. “Re- Red means that you- that I- I want you to stop because I’m- I don’t like it- I’m uncomfortable.” Your nipple is back in his mouth. He’s sucking on it with such purpose, the suction sending waves of pleasure through your body. 

“A- And, I’m going to, ta- tap on you to- to show you, but please, please don’t stop, Kei.” You grab onto his shoulder and tap with two fingers against his back, 3 times with enough force for him to feel them. He listens to you, nodding as you tap against him, but keeping your nipple in his mouth. He rolls it between his teeth, bringing his hand up to pinch the other one between his fingers. “Fuck,” you breath. 

He stops, coming back up to face you. “Good.” His fingers are making quick work of your button and zippers and are quickly in the waistband of your jeans, pulling them to the ground, but leaving you in your underwear. On his way back up, he runs his hand up the inside of your leg, following your ankle to your calf to your inner thigh leading to your pussy as he uses one finger to rub once between your slit, pressing harder into your clit, rubbing two circles before stopping and stepping backward. You can’t help but moan at this tiny, delicate touch. He’s still fully dressed and you’re suddenly aware of what you probably look like. Your instinct is to try to cover yourself up from Kei’s hungry eyes, but he starts rubbing his cock through his pants. Your eyes are drawn to the bulge in his jeans. You feel your panties get even wetter as you see how big the bulge is. You’re almost positive that Kei could see how much wetter you got, how the dark spot on your panties grew when he started rubbing himself. 

He pulls his own shirt off and you marvel at how toned his body is, how perfect his skin is. He takes a step towards you, his hard bulge only inches away from your thigh. Your breath stills. “Take them off, baby,” he encourages. You listen to him, beginning to lower yourself to your knees, but he holds your elbow, not allowing you to drop. “From here.” You’re confused at first until he uses his hand to rub in between your lips through your panties. “I want to be able to touch you.”

You nod, your breath skipping as you try your hardest to focus on undoing his buckle. It seems like such a difficult task right now, your mind completely infatuated with the feeling of Kei’s long finger rubbing against the doused fabric of your panties. You seriously can’t figure out how to undo his stupid buckle, but he just lets you struggle. You think that he’s being nice as he pulls his finger away, allowing you a moment to think straight, but he brings the finger up and sticks it into your mouth. “Suck,” he says, low. You listen, sucking on his finger, trying to multitask and undo his buckle. “Sloppier, baby,” he coerces. You listen again, your fingers on his buckle stilling and focus on the spit drooling out of your mouth. He pulls the finger from your mouth and places it back between your lips, pressing harder into your clit and moving faster, pushing your panties in between your lips until your bare lips are exposed and your panties are bunched up between them, completely hidden. Kei’s finger slips past the panties, dipping into your flood for just a moment before running his finger back down the strip of your panties, pushing at your hole. Your moans are fluttering as you try to sink onto his fingers. He holds on in place harshly. 

He starts counting down. You’re confused, so confused. You don’t know why he’s counting down or what will happen when you reach the end of it, but you’re hoping for the finger to enter you. “3… 2… 1…” You close your eyes in anticipation, but he pulls his hands away completely. 

“I- Kei- No, please, why?” you beg.

“I told you what to do and you were too busy and concerned with what you wanted. Now I’m not going to touch you,” he says so matter-of-factly. You wanted to laugh. You thought it was a joke. You needed it to be a joke, but now Kei is taking off his own buckle, which he does in 10 seconds, might you add. He’s taking off his own belt, throwing it gently to the side and undoing his zipper and button. 

“Kei,” you whine, “It’s… It’s not fair.” You’re pouting. You know he doesn’t find it cute and amusing when you see his facial expressions. “It’s just… You were making me feel so good.”

He scoffs, “Just from that? Tadashi must be treating you worse than I thought.” Your cheeks burn at the mention of your boyfriend’s name. You want to tell him to stop saying his name, but you know he won’t listen to you anyways. Instead, you just nod at him. He laughs.

“Please, Kei. I couldn’t focus,” you complain, trying to excuse yourself, but he’s not listening or he doesn’t care or maybe both. He pulls down his jeans, only the thin fabric of his boxers are covering his hard, long member. You swallow, hard, looking at how big he is. Tadashi isn’t necessarily small, but he’s definitely not big, and more so, he’s definitely not this big. Your eyes are glued to Kei’s boxers as he pulls them down, releasing his cock. A gasp escapes your lips, a sharp inhale into your lungs as you truly take in how big he is. He’s not just long, but he’s thick. You’re getting even wetter as you think about everything you want to do to him and what you want him to do to you. 

“Can you listen this time?” he asks, condescendingly, a disgusted look on his face. You nod excessively, so quickly that your vision blurs. You’re ready to do anything that he asks you to do. You just want to touch his cock. He smirks at how eager you are. “Take your panties off for me, baby. Nice and slow. Turn around when you do it.” He knows exactly what he wants. 

You start pulling your panties down, slowly, like he’s asked of you. You want to have them completely off, but you know you have to listen to Kei especially after last time. When the panties are to your knees, you’re facing completely away from him. “Bend over.” His words are so commanding and harsh. You do as he says, bending over to pull your panties all the way down to the floor. You can feel how exposed your pussy is from behind in between your legs, can feel the air highlighting every inch of wetness.

You hear Kei step closer to you as you stand their frozen, your panties around your ankles. You can feel his cock graze in between your legs just briefly before he controls it, ensure that no part of you is touched. He leans forwards, pressing his hips against your ass and brushing his cock between your lips for the smallest fraction of a second. “What does Tadashi call you while he’s fucking you?” The question stuns you, your knees buckling and your heart beginning to race. You know that you’re almost fucking his best friend, but you don’t need to be reminded of him every few minutes. Still, you know that Kei wants an answer and you want Kei to be good to you, so you answer. 

“H- He calls me sweetheart,” you stutter. Kei actually laughs, stepping back away from you and holding his stomach as he repeats it. 

“He calls you sweetheart when he’s fucking you?” he asks, trying to make sure he heard that right. 

“Yes.” You suddenly feel more embarrassed at this admission than you do at the position you’re in. He grips onto your hips and you want him to enter you so badly, but instead he turns you around to face him and gently pushes you onto the bed, lying flat on your back, your head propped up against a pillow. 

“Spread em,” he gestures towards your legs as he spits into his own hand, slicking his cock as you spread your legs open, exposing yourself to Kei. 

Kei is towering overtop of you, a knowing smirk on his face as he moves the fist he’s made around his cock, stroking slowly, squeezing his hand as he gets to the head and letting the pressure off as he returns back to the base. You know how desperate you look underneath him. You don’t need to see it in his glasses to know, but you do, and it makes you even wetter. Your legs are spread apart, the breeze from the fan making you painfully aware of how warm and flooded you are and how erect your nipples are. Your hands are beside each retrospective hip, gripping onto the sheets, waiting for him to enter you, but he doesn’t move, doesn’t even get closer. 

“Touch yourself,” Kei sneers. You don’t know what to do. You heard his words clearly, but your body isn’t making any move to do what he’s asked of you. You wanted Kei to touch you, you didn’t want to do it yourself. He takes a step towards you, his hand around his cock moving faster. “Let me see you play with yourself, sweetheart. Show me,” he coos, his tone changing to endearing in such a short amount of time. Hearing Kei call you what Tadashi calls you shakes your entire soul. You feel so conflicted but so hot. You want to hear it again. It sounds so much better coming out of his mouth. It makes you want to please him. You want to make him proud. 

You nod at him, timidly moving your hand down to clit and rubbing small, diffident circles into it. Your fingers don’t feel nearly as good as Kei’s did a few minutes ago. It doesn’t help that he’s watching you so intently either. It’s embarrassing to be completely open and on display like this, lying underneath someone who wasn’t your boyfriend, but, rather, your boyfriend’s best friend, your best friend. You have to shake the thought out of your mind before your body doesn’t allow you to get off. You close your eyes, trying to focus on the sensations of your fingertips brushing against your swollen clit. Your eyes are only shut for a few seconds before Kei is clearing his throat. 

“Eyes open. Look at me,” Kei clarifies. His hand hasn’t stopped moving as he’s scanning your body, evidently very happy with what he sees. Even with this gorgeous sight in front of you, it’s hard for you to lose yourself in the moment being stared at so eagerly. “Both hands.” He tilts his chin up at you, gesturing at your hand that’s still gripped onto the sheets. 

With your other hand, you cup your tit, rolling your hard nipple in between your fingers while maintaining your pace with the other hand. “Good girl,” he says under his breath. A moan escapes you. He raises his eyebrow, cockiness seething from his smile. “Yeah? Are you my good girl?”

You nod obnoxiously, a strangled noise coming out of your throat as you move your attention from your nipples to your wet hole, teasing yourself with your fingertip. You’re getting into it now. The situation is weighing on you but in the best way possible. You look up at Kei and your mind is still screaming that he’s not your boyfriend, but the louder the voice gets inside your head, the wetter your desperate pussy gets. He’s not your boyfriend, but he’s here, watching you tease yourself and torture your own clit as he jerks off above you, because your boyfriend can’t get you off like Kei can; no one can get you off like Kei can. He knows it too. Even when you would try to get off in the bathroom after having sex with Tadashi, it never felt this fucking good. 

“Do you want to be a really good girl?” he asks, his hand now gently rubbing on your inner thigh. 

You know that he’s just using those words, that phrase, to get exactly what he wants, but it only makes you want him more. You would do anything to be good for him. You want him to use you, to satisfy his every need with any part of you that he wants to. “Please, please, Kei. I’ll do anything.” Your own voice surprises you at how desperate it sounds. 

“Sit up.” His tone has switched back to the harsh, commanding asshole that he was before as he grabs onto your arm right as you’re about to insert your finger fully into yourself. You let out a defeated sigh before sitting up, looking at him innocently. “Stay still,” he demands. Kei walks over to you, getting closer and closer until the tip of his head is pressed up against your lips. You go to open your jaw to take him into your mouth, but he stops you, holding your head still. 

“What did I say?” he growls at you, grasping a fistful of your hair as punishment. “Repeat it.” 

“Stay still,” you repeat, your lips opening slightly around his head, allowing some of the precome to line the inside of your lips. You want so badly to lick your lips, but you know that Kei wants you to just sit there, so you don’t move. Your head is still as he swipes the spongy head across your lips, stroking the length as he does so, causing more precome to drip out of the slit and onto your lips. He pushes forwards, but you keep your mouth still, the tip only entering into your mouth when he nestles it in there. It touches your closed teeth and you shutter, trying to keep as still as you can.

Kei moans as he drags his sensitive head across the fronts of your teeth, your cheek bulging as he slides it into the side of your mouth. The combination of his grunts, his hands in your hair, and the thought of him using you for his pleasure all have your pussy aching to be touched. You want to touch yourself so bad, but you know that Kei will be angry. 

“Open,” he finally tells you. You let your jaw fall open as you look up into his eyes, fluttering your lashes at him, but he doesn’t look at you like you’re adorable or cute or pretty, he looks at you like he’s starving. “Tongue out.” You instantly stick your tongue out. “Good girl.” Your pussy throbs. That’s all you wanted to hear from him. You want to hear it again. 

“Lick the precome from my slit, sweetheart.” There’s that name again, shaking your being. Kei positions his cock at the tip of your tongue. You’re not expecting the name and the specific language has you blushing. You do as you’re told, focusing the tip of your tongue to lick the precome from his slit. The salty sensation on your tongue makes your mouth water for more. Kei drags his head down your tongue before taking a step back. He hasn’t told you to move your head or your tongue, so you don’t, despite everything in your body telling you to whine and pout at how far away his cock is from your mouth now. You’re so focused on where his cock is that you don’t notice that he’s bent over towards you or the glob of spit that falls onto your tongue until it’s already coated it. 

You barely have any time to react, only savoring the taste for a moment, before Kei stands back up and rests as much of his cock as he can on your tongue without actually entering your mouth. The slickness of his spit on your tongue and your warm breath from panting causing Kei’s cock to pulse. You can feel it. Kei looks down at you and lets more spit drop from his tongue. You’re not sure if he missed or if this is where he was aiming, but the spit lands right beside your mouth, dripping down your chin and onto your chest. 

He’s thrusting his hips slowly, gliding the underside of cock across your tongue. Your jaw is already starting to ache from staying open so wide, but you don’t dare relax. It’s like Kei can read your mind. “Wider,” he grunts, angling the tip of his cock down. You force your jaw to open uncomfortably, but the smirk that Kei gives you is worth any amount of discomfort that you feel.

Kei gives you no warning as he forces his entire length down your throat in one swift movement, groaning as he feels how tight your throat is around him. You try to gasp in surprise, your gag reflex triggering as his cock slides down your throat, but he’s blocking your airway. You take in air from your nose, but it’s not enough. Kei doesn’t budge in the slightest, just strokes your hair as he mutters “good girl” over and over again. You focus on his words and your breathing and the fact that you’re making him feel good right now. 

“Tongue out,” he demands, his hands grabbing your hair now instead of stroking it. Your nose is pressed up against his stomach and your tongue is sticking out as far as you can force it out of your mouth. You can feel it grazing his balls, every time you flick your tongue, his grip in your hair gets tighter and his groans get more guttural. 

Drool is leaking out of the side of your mouth as Kei’s cock pulses in your throat. Your head feels light and you’re pushing back into Kei’s hands, desperately trying to get air. You need to get a good breath or you’re going to pass out. He pulls you off of his cock. You’re coughing and inhaling deeply several times trying to recover. Kei gives you these few seconds of reconciliation before starting to get annoyed. 

“Open,” he nods down to the spot that you were in before. You assume the same position, chin tilted up, tongue so far out that it’s painful, jaw aching from forcing it open so wide, your lips swollen and sheened with spit and precome. “Good girl. Fuck, you’re such a good girl.” You love to hear the praise coming out of his mouth. It’s making you drip. 

You’re expecting his cock, but see his eyes close to yours and now you can’t breathe for another reason. He spits in your open mouth, but not on your tongue this time. The spit goes directly down your throat and you let it slide all the way down. His fingers are wrapped around your throat putting pressure directly on your airway, quickly getting so tight that you can’t breathe again. “But I decide when I’m done with your throat. I decide when you get to breathe again. I decide when I pull your pretty fucking mouth off of me. You don’t get to make those decisions. If I want to fuck your throat until you pass out and keep fucking your throat when you’re unconscious on the floor, I’ll do that.” You want to moan at these sentences, at the thoughts that are now flooding your head, but you can’t. No noise comes out of your throat at all, it can’t. Your hand comes up and wraps around Kei’s wrists, your eyes roll back into your head as his grip gets tighter. He’s waiting intently to see if you want to tap out, but when he doesn’t feel any pressure against his wrist, he tightens even harder, his fingers shaking. “Do you understand?” he commands. You nod as best as you can. When he pulls his fist away, you take in so much air that your head starts to pulse. Your breaths can’t be large enough. “Now open.”

You assume the same position. Your breathing finally slows when he rests his balls on your tongue. You’d never done anything this dirty with Tadashi. This was foreign territory for you. “Suck.” You can feel him above you, stroking his cock as you take one of his balls into your mouth. The entire situation feels so dirty , but you can hear Kei’s moans and grunts and you never want to stop. You continue sucking, focusing on the ball in your mouth and your tongue against it. 

“Take both in your mouth, you fucking whore,” Kei says, getting into this very quickly. The degradation makes your clit throb and pussy clench. You open your mouth wider, taking the other ball into your mouth. Your mouth has never been this full before. Your nose is pressed against the underside of his cock, but you can barely focus on that. “Stop,” he grunts. You release both balls from your mouth with a pop , your tongue still sticking straight out, waiting for whatever he wants to do with you next. 

“Good girl. Deep breath” You listen to him. He slides his cock into your mouth as soon as you’ve taken a good breath, grunting at every inch that slides down your throat. He holds it there again. You close your eyes, focusing on your breathing, and making sure that you make it through. Then you feel a sting on your cheek, startling you. Kei’s palm had made contact with your cheek. Your eyes snap open. “Eyes on me. Look up at me, sweetheart.” You moan around his cock and he inhales at the vibrations around his length. A single tear rolls down your cheek as the residual sting lingers. Your breathing is okay, manageable this time until Kei plugs your nose. 

“You better open your throat wider or I’ll have to fuck your unconscious body and you won’t be able to cum. It’ll be just like Tadashi, huh?” Your eyes open even more so at this sentence. Kei pulls his hips back, taking most of his length out of your throat before slamming back in. You missed your small window for air. You sit, patiently waiting for him to start moving again. You breathe as much as you can as soon as he pulls back. You’ve forced your jaw open even wider and have allowed your throat to open, allowing the smallest bit of air in. 

Kei’s thrusts into your throat get more and more frequent each time until he’s pistoning into your mouth. His hips are thrusting into you, abusing your poor throat, at such a fast speed. Every few thrusts, he buries his cock as deep in your throat as he can, holding it there until he feels you starting to fall, your eyes rolling back, and your jaw relaxing. 

“Gag on my cock,” he commands, continuing, “I want to feel you gag on my cock. It feels so good when I feel your abused throat constrict around my cock. I’m too big for you, aren’t I? You’re so used to small cocks, aren’t you, sweetheart? You can barely handle how fucking big I am.” It’s true. It’s all true. 

He hits the back of your throat, your body convulsing slightly as you gag. You can feel the muscles in your throat tighten around his cock. He loves the feeling so much that he does it again. And then again. Your stomach is twisting as he hits it for the 4th time. He glides his cock down your throat. The noises that he’s making are magical. 

“Swallow.” You swallow whatever liquids you can. “Yes, fuck,” he groans, “again.” You swallow again, significantly less fluid in your mouth. “Again.” You swallow again. “God, your throat feels so good, I might not even need to fuck you.” You can’t help but to whimper, swallowing again around his cock. “Fuck, I could just cum down your throat right now and leave you on the bed for when Tadashi comes home. Maybe he can help you.”

You want to shake your head no. You want to beg for him to stay, to touch you, just to tell you to cum. If he just told you to cum right now, you think you could. You’d do anything for him right now, but you can’t. You can’t do anything except let him use your throat for whatever he wants to use it for. He laughs at the panic in your eyes as he pulls out of your throat, stroking his cock above you. “Or maybe I won’t even use you to cum, huh? Maybe I’ll just make you watch as I blow my load onto your pretty face. Tadashi would love coming home to that, wouldn’t he?” 

You don’t know how to answer that, so you don’t. Kei doesn’t like that. You feel a sting across your cheek, harder this time. “I asked you a question.”

“I- N- No. No, he wouldn’t like that,” you answer truthfully, even though you don’t think it’s the answer that Kei wanted. It’s exactly the answer Kei wanted.

“But would you like it?” he smirks, waiting for your answer. He hasn’t stopped stroking his cock, moaning as he swipes his thumb over the head. “Don’t lie to me…,” he pauses, “sweetheart.” His smile is pure evil.

You nod timidly before verbalizing it. “Yes. I would like that a lot, Kei.” 

He laughs again, shaking his head. “Tch. Pathetic.” Your entire body feels warm and embarrassed. He leans over you, getting so close to your ear that his low whisper sounds like a scream. “It sucks that I want to ruin you, then, huh?” A shiver disperses through your entire body as you shake your head no. No, it definitely doesn’t suck that he wants to ruin you. 

“I want you, now.” Kei finally decides. He pushes you back on the bed again. “On your side.” You’re conscious of how little you know about sex positions, particularly ones where you lay on your side. He pulls you to the edge of the bed, laying almost completely on your right side, save for the small parts of your back that are touching the bed. He positions himself between your legs, lining himself up with your throbbing pussy. It hasn’t been touched since you didn’t listen to Kei. You know your hole is tight, but so lubricated that it’ll swallow him just as easily as your throat did. He takes your leg and rests it on his shoulder. 

He rubs his head in between your lips, pressing up against the hole. “Please.” It slips out of your mouth, but you’re not going to apologize for it. Kei rubs his thumb against your clit, using your own wetness to lubricate your swollen nub, his finger moving effortlessly against it. You can’t stop whimpering. 

He doesn’t stop to ask if you’re ready, or prep your hole with fingers, he just starts sliding into you. He’s not even halfway inside of you when you decide that you’ll never be this full again. It takes your breath away. You can’t breathe, but you’re trying. You’re gasping for air as he inserts his entire length into you. “Kei, Kei, Kei, fuck, Kei.”

“I haven’t even started fucking you, sweetheart.” He presses a kiss into your leg next to his face as he slides completely into you, not stopping until his hips are pressed up against you. You’re waiting for him to let you adjust to how thick he is inside of you, but he doesn’t. He starts moving almost instantly, rocking his hips backwards and then thrusting into you completely. You’ve never had anything so deep inside of you before, not even your own fingers or a dildo. 

Kei picks up the speed, rocking his hips into you repetitively, in such a rhythmic pattern that you’re already almost there. You know, and he does too, that all he has to do is angle just a bit down and he would be obliterating your g-spot. Even without it, you can feel your arousal heightening so high. His thumb is still rubbing circles into your clit. “Kei- Kei, I think, I-,” you breathe, stuttering over your words, so filled with cock and pleasure that your head is foggy. 

“Already? You’re already going to cum? God, you really are starved of some good cock, aren’t you?” he teases, picking up speed even more. “I’m not even hitting your g-spot. I’m not ready yet. You’re going to cum without me even trying?”

You know you should feel embarrassed, but you’re not. You have no shame in letting yourself go. “Fuck, Kei, I’m coming, fuck.”

Your eyes squeeze shut. Your head presses back so far into the bed that you know how messy your hair is going to be. Your toes curls and your knuckles are white against the sheets. The entire time, no noise comes out of you, despite your mouth being completely agape. The pleasure is obliterating you. You can’t think of anything at all except for the pleasure. How good everything feels. Kei hasn’t stopped fucking you. He’s slamming into you as you ride your orgasm to completion. As soon as you’ve stopped cumming, you want to cum again. You need him to make it happen again. 

“I’m not stopping until I’m finished. If that means that you’ve cum so many times that your orgasms hurt by the last one, then so be it,” he thrusts into you again and again. His hand has moved from your clit and is instead wrapped around your leg, using it as leverage to fuck into you even harder. Every time you think he can’t fuck you harder, he proves you wrong. He’s almost growling at this point, fucking you so deep and hard that you exhale every time he pounds into you. 

“You’ll never cum from anyone else again,” he slams into you, “Every other guy that you ever take will never compare to me, will never be as good as me. Their cocks won’t fit inside you like mine does. They won’t fill you up as much as I can. I’m ruining you. I don’t even think you’ll be able to make yourself cum after this. Every time you want to feel pleasure, real pleasure, you’ll have to call and beg for it. When you’re in bed with Tadashi, so late at night, and he’s sleeping next to you, you’re going to have to call me and beg to meet up with me so that I can get you off.” His words are just making you get closer again. You know that he’s just talking dirty to you, but you know how much truth weighs in those words. He’s right. 

“You know that, don’t you?” he asks, breathless from how relentlessly he’s fucking into you. 

You nod at the sentence, still thinking repetitively over the words he said to you and how true each of them is. Kei reaches down to start rubbing your clit again. He can see you’re close. He can feel that you’re close. Your pussy is gripping his cock, the rigid, wet walls milking him as you have your second orgasm.

“Yes, yes, Kei, fuck. I’ll never feel this full ever again. Please, please, will you fill me after this time? Please, I can’t imagine never fucking you again. Please,” you moan through your orgasm. You want confirmation of something to look forward to. You need him again. 

He laughs at how unapologetic you are at begging for him again before he’s even finished with you. He doesn’t answer but instead asks a question. “Tadashi fucks you doggy style, sometimes, doesn’t he?” He fucks you through the end of your orgasm. 

You nod, hesitantly, still blown away by cumming twice already. “Sometimes,” you reply. Kei snickers. 

“On all fours,” he directs you. “I was serious when I said I wanted to ruin you, baby.”

You assume the position on all fours, a position that Tadashi will sometimes have you take him in. You’ve never understood the hype around this position, but you’re hoping Kei teaches you. A sting spreads from your ass as Kei spanks you. You’re already feeling the hype. You whimper. 

“Again?” he asks, smirking. You nod, wanting to feel the pain but knowing that he’s going to do it regardless. He spanks you again, harder this time. He doesn’t ask if you want it again, just spanks you for a third time, even harder. You won’t be able to sit tomorrow if he continues on. You kind of want him to continue on. You’re not met with another sting, but Kei’s cock thrust completely inside of you until his hips are pressed against your ass in one motion. You choke on your own breath, coughing in surprise. 

He brings his hands up and snakes one into your hair, grabbing a fistful, and the other on your shoulder, using it to pull you back onto him. You hear your skin slap against his, hard. You can feel the sting on your ass from where Kei spanked you as it smashes against his thigh. He’s so deep inside you, you think you can feel him in your stomach. 

Kei’s chest goes flush against your back. He whispers into your ear, “The next time he’s fucking you, you’re going to say my name.” It’s almost hypnotic, how low and intriguing his voice is. “You won’t be able to get me out of your mind,” he tells you, each thrust into you punctuating his words. He straightens back up, gripping your hips as he fucks into you. His fingertips are going to leave bruises. “Do you know why?”

You shake your head no. You want him to tell you why. You want him to say anything to you, anything at all. 

“Because you’re my bitch,” he says so seriously, moving quicker as your wetness grew, slicking him even more at the sentence, “and Tadashi has never hit this…” Kei thrusts, angled into your g-spot. The sensation makes it feel like lava has erupted in your stomach. “and it’s all you’re going to think about when you’re in this position.” He knows exactly where it is and he won’t stop smashing the head of his cock into it repetitively. “How this is what it could’ve felt like, but he’ll never make you feel like this. So you’ll be thinking of me the entire time and you’re going to say my fucking name.”

It’s too much. Everything about this situation is too much. You’re speechless. You’re aware of every part of your body that Kei has gripped onto or smacked. Your eyes roll back into your head. You don’t even know what’s happening, only that Kei’s cock feels so good against your walls and slamming into your g-spot. You feel a warm sensation run down your legs slowly at first, but then explode onto the sheets beneath you and Kei’s cock and his lap as you scream for him. “Kei! Fuck! Yes, Kei. I won’t ever think of anyone else. Only you. Only you, Kei, fuck. Oh fuck.”

“Fuck, you just squirted all over my fucking cock, fuck.” For the first time tonight, Kei sounds like he can barely speak. He can’t think of a witty retort about how good he made you feel, he can only keep repeating those words. “Fuck, you squirted so fucking much all over me, baby. Fuck, good girl. Fuck.” He pulls himself out of you. If it weren’t for the mind-blowing orgasm you just had that you need a minute to recover from, you would’ve whined endlessly until he was back inside of you. Kei looks so focused right now and you’re realizing that his hand is on his cock, wrapped around right where his head meets his shaft, squeezing, not stroking. His chest is heaving and he’s swallowing excessively. He had to stop himself from cumming too early. (Define too early?) He’s made you cum 3 times already, feeling your pussy tighten around him as he didn’t even stutter, and has fucked you for over an hour, not even mentioning the abuse your throat went through.

You think he’s waiting for the sensation to pass before entering back inside you, but he drops to his knees, pulling your hips towards him. “You’ve earned this, sweetheart,” he murmurs into your skin. You feel his nose press up against your ass, his tongue sticking out and licking from your clit to your hole. He doesn’t use the tip like Tadashi does, he uses the flat side of his tongue, exploiting every part of the surface of his tongue. Your arms shake as he sticks his tongue into your hole, fucking it, moving his face back and forth. “Fuck, Kei.” 

He moves back down to your clit, flicking it with the tip this time, fast, before sucking it into his mouth and running his tongue over it again and again as he suctions onto it. “Holy fuck. Oh my God.” Your face is down in the bed, your arms refusing to support you anymore. The sounds that are coming from behind you are almost enough to make you cum on their own. Kei is slurping all of the juices that he’s created since he first started touching you.  You can’t see him, but the sounds are incredible. You can’t see him. 

“Kei, Kei, can I lay on my back? Can I see your face? I want to see your face.” You know you’re not in any position to ask him for anything, but you hope he listens to you. You want to watch him eat you out so badly. He hums into your pussy, nodding as he flips you over, spreading your legs even further. He looks up at you, his mouth completely clamped over your entire pussy, his tongue working particularly hard, creating an insane amount of pressure on your clit, swirling around it, in between your lips and slit, fucking into your hole as deep as he can. His eyes never leave yours. You try to keep up with him, but it’s too fucking much. Your head falls backward, staring up at the ceiling. Kei’s arms reach up, grabbing onto your tits, rolling both of your nipples between his long fingers.

“Look at me,” he mumbles into your pussy quickly before continuing his expertise. You listen to him. It’s the least you can do. You look at him, your eyes watering at the pleasure that he’s creating for you. It sounds so messy, so sloppy, so fucking good . 

“Don’t- Don’t stop. ‘M gonna-,” you moan so loudly that it scares you as Kei works even harder, sucking your clit into his mouth and nibbling it softly before using his entire mouth, his lips, his nose, his chin to rub against your pussy, spitting on it repeatedly to slick it up. “Fuck!” you’re screaming now and you can’t help the sensation release from you again, the clear liquid spraying from between your legs onto Kei’s face. You can’t even feel apologetic, but you don’t think he wants you to. He doesn’t stop rubbing your clit through your orgasm, you clench your thighs together, completely overstimulated, but he doesn’t stop. He keeps rubbing your clit through the pain and into another wave of pleasure that quickly crashes into another orgasm. You’ve never come that quickly together before. There’s no squirt this time, only insane pleasure washing over you as you pant and scream Kei’s name. 

You’re out of breath. You can barely move. You’re so tired from all of the times that you’ve come, but you know how hard Kei is and you know how badly you want his fucking cum. 

“I want to be all the way inside of you,” Kei states. You’re confused and he can see the confusion on your face as he cleans his glasses with the blankets on the bed. 

“How? I mean, like, weren’t you… already all the way inside me?” you ask him, innocently.

“Deeper,” he says, laying down on the bed next to you and flipping you on top of him so your soaked pussy lips are wrapped around his length. He grunts at the feeling. You lift off of him as much as you can muster with how weak you’re feeling right now. He helps you, grabbing onto your ass and lifting gently until you’re up high enough for him to line himself up with your hole. 

“Sit,” he commands. You listen to him for the millionth time tonight, lowering yourself onto his cock. His cock hasn’t grown since he fucked you doggy style, but it feels so much bigger. It’s so much deeper inside of you as you’re seated on his cock. Your walls grip him on the way down.

“Fuck, you’re tight. How does Tadashi last so long in you?” he asks, genuinely wanting to know. 

You laugh for the first time all night, “He doesn’t.”

He holds onto your hips, looking up at you and how breathtaking you are. Your tits are out, moving with every breath that you take. It makes Kei’s cock twitch inside of you. “Bounce on my cock, baby.” He’s asking so much of you with the state that you’re in right now, but he knows you’ll listen to him. “Be a good girl. Bounce on my cock. I’ve done all the work tonight, sweetheart.” That’s all it takes. You get a sudden surge of energy as you nod, using your knees in the bed as springs to slide up and down his cock. 

“Fuck,” he mutters under his breath. His fingernails dig into you again, bruising the already bruised skin. How are you going to explain all of these marks to Tadashi? You don’t even care at this point. You want Kei to keep making more. He’s guiding you up and down, though you’re doing most of the work. “Faster, baby, fuck.”

You listen. You bounce up and down on his cock faster, getting higher before slamming down against his lip. Your tits are bouncing just as wildly. He moves his hands from his hips to your tits, grabbing onto them and massaging them as you milk his cock. You purposefully tighten around him on the way up and relax on the way down. Your tight pussy desperately gripping at each inch of his length, coaxing the cum out of his cock. “God, fuck. Milk my cock, baby, yes.” Kei’s lines are becoming less demanding and more appreciative. They’re still commanding, but less harsh. He moves his hands back to your waist, lifting you almost completely off his cock, your head only tightly squeezing his head. 

“Ready?” he asks. The bliss on his face is still there, but there’s so much devilish intent now too. You don’t have time to ask questions or to even tell him yes as he fucks up into you. His hips are moving so quickly up that even though your body isn’t moving, the ripples of energy are tearing through you, shaking them violently. 

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck, Kei.” You’re already there. You’re already ready to cum just from penetration alone. 

“Not yet.” This is the hardest demand yet for you to listen to. “You can only cum when you feel my load fill you up.” You swallow hard, but nod frantically. 

He’s grunting so loudly as he claps into your pussy from underneath you. He’s getting so deep inside of you with every thrust. You’re speechless. You’re so on the edge the entire time that he’s fucking you like this that you can’t focus on anything else. He pulls you down completely on his cock and stops thrusting for a second. He’s breathing heavy as he snakes his arm around your waist, pulling you onto his chest, his cock still just as deep inside of you, but this time when he fucks into you, he hits you g-spot on the first thrust. “Kei, Kei, Kei,” you can’t stop saying his name, “I can’t- I can’t hold it.” You barely even notice the tears running down your cheeks as the pleasure is so built up inside of you. 

“Fuck, baby, fuck, almost.” His thrusts are getting sloppy, his cock is pulsating, you feel so fucking good wrapped so tightly around his cock, but he needs to feel you cum. He needs to feel your pussy tense up as he drills into you, knowing that he’s the reason you look so pretty, your face contorting from pure pleasure. He wants to feel you milk him, coaxing his big fucking load out of his balls and deep inside you. He can make you cum. He doesn’t have to ask you. He can just make you cum, even despite you trying to be such a good girl and listen for him. 

He holds your hips steady, slowing down for a few seconds, catching his own breath, letting himself relax. You’re both grateful and so sad about this. You’re grateful because you would have cum just then, but you’re sad because you wanted to cum so bad it hurt. He stills for a second and then he’s fucking into you again, but differently this time. His arms are shaking from holding you down against him so tightly, not letting you move, despite your numerous attempts to squirm, as he thrusts up into your tight, aching pussy mercilessly. You’re sobbing into his shoulder.

“I- I- I can’t hold it, Kei, please.” You’re trying to be so good for him. It’s making his balls tighten, but he doesn’t want to come yet. He can’t come until you milk it out of him. Do it. Cum, he thinks as he picks up speed, like sprinting the last half mile of a marathon. It’s as much as he can give and he wants it to be enough to push you over the edge without having to ask. You’ll feel so much better tightening around him while you apologize to him for not listening. 

“I’m going to cum, Kei, please, please, please, I’m sorry, fuck. I can’t hold it any longer,” the string of words come out so fast that they practically overlap each other. You cum around his cock, your pussy throbbing, gripping so tightly onto his cock as he keeps up the intensity of his thrusts. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!” you scream out. You start repeating his name over and over again, unable to think of anything else in the world. 

With your pussy clamping so hard down on his cock, it’s exactly what he needs. He feels his balls tighten, his cock throbbing inside of you as his hips start to stutter messily. “Fuck, sweetheart, fuck, you’re making me cum, fuck,” he grunts, snapping his hips into you as hard as he can as he unloads inside of you, strings of cum filling up your insides, squeezing out of your pussy as he tries to fuck them deeper into you, but has already overfilled your abused pussy. He’s still cumming, feeling it leak out of his cock, when he pulls his cock from your pussy, letting it land on your ass and back down on his own cock. He slides his cock back into your pussy, going as deep as he can as before exhaling a final breath. 

You’re both quiet for a second, not talking about anything that just happened, just breathing. You’re still pressed up against his chest, cum dripping out of your pussy and onto Kei. You know that you should both clean up, but you’ve never been this tired in your life. You can’t even roll off of him and you don’t think he could push you off. 

“When will Tadashi be home?” he asks, panting, trying to regain himself. 

“He doesn’t get back until tomorrow morning,” you hum happily, listening to his accelerated heartbeat. You don’t move, but he doesn’t ask you to move. Your breathing is more irregular than his is as you close your eyes. “Can we nap? I need to nap. That took so much out of me.”

Kei’s quiet for a moment. There’s no laugh or retort, he just nods, wrapping his arms around your waist and stroking your hair. He grabs the cleanest blanket that he can from where he’s pinned to the bed, draping it over top of both of you. You hum at the warmth. He knows that this is a part of the whole degradation thing, the comforting at the end. That’s why he’s doing it.

“Goodnight, Kei,” you smile up at him lazily, kissing his chest before laying it back down. “Oh, wait, Kei,” you look back up at him. 

“Hm?”

That’s why he’s doing it. 

“Thank you,” you smile at him, blinking slowly. You’re so tired that you don’t even notice his heart skip a beat as you thank him. 

Right?

[withacapitalp]

@lazylittledragon did more Mombin (check it out here it's great) which I think means I might be contractually obliged to write more fic that is inspired by it. Like wowza I am obsessed with this concept

Tw: vomiting/morning sickness, reddit, discussions of cancer

Robin was dying. 

That was the only explanation. 

Dying. 

And the worst part was, she was dying of something that was both incredibly funny, and incredibly sad, and she had been so desperate for answers that she had gone to a place no mortal should ever dare to go to. 

Reddit. 

Posted by u/familyvideobrokeme

I (24F) think that I might have breast cancer, and I have no idea how to tell my (25M) best friend.

So my best friend “Sam” and I have been attached at the hip for as long as I can remember. He’s not just a friend to me, he’s my person (and before you get any ideas- I’m a lesbian, so no, not happening.) we tell each other everything, even the super gross stuff neither of us wants to hear- like seriously he’s asked me to check his ass to see if he managed to pop the pimple he found there before- so I’ve never been in this position before…

But I think I’m dying of breast cancer, and I have no clue how to start this conversation. 

It just came on really suddenly??? Like last month I was fine, and this month my boobs just hurt in this really weird way I’ve never experienced before? Like I’m sore and tingly and my bras don’t fit?! Boobs are kind of a joke between us though, so I feel like if I just blurt it out then he will start saying ‘boobie cancer’ over and over at me and we will just end up laughing and he’ll think I’m kidding. 

Sam is also my roommate? I don’t know if that matters here? I also haven’t gone to a doctor yet, but there isn’t anything else this can be, right? Nothing else just magically makes your boobs hurt and get big?

Robin had made the post at three am the night before while crying and eating Ben and Jerry’s, and she had forced herself to not look at replies all night, even going as far as to shut her phone off entirely.

But now it was the next day, and she had steadfastly ignored the notifications from Reddit all the way through Saturday Brunch and Bitch. 

She couldn’t ignore them anymore. 

“You’re good if I work a little?” Robin asked, pulling her laptop close to her and carefully angling it so Steve couldn’t see the screen. 

“As you wish,” Steve muttered, completely absorbed with whatever dog video he was watching. 

“Dingus,” She whispered affectionately, an odd mixture of love and guilt crashing in her chest as she opened the website and logged into her account. She had over a thousand notifications now, and the comments were still rolling in as she opened her post and scrolled down. 

Endofthebeginningoftheend

OP are you sure you’re not in love with Sam

Grapenuts Dude she said she’s a lesbian

View 564 more replies

Robin rolled her eyes. She had expected that, but she didn’t expect it to be the top comment. She quickly scrolled past. 

Cheercaptainfromhell

OP I would definitely go to a doctor before anything else! 

SmeddieSmunson Seriously how has she gotten this far without going to a doctor??

The answer was easy. Robin was terrified of doctors. Why go to a doctor when Steve had EMT training? 

Because in this instance she couldn’t ask Steve for help. 

Robin kept scrolling. 

Frenchiefreis

You might be pregnant honestly…I would take a test first

Headphilosopher She’s a lesbian so I doubt it, but pregnancy can also cause those symptoms-

Robin snorted to herself, side eyeing Steve to make sure he didn’t look up when she did. 

Did everyone just ignore the part where she said she was a lesbian? 

…was Robin ignoring the part where being a lesbian didn’t mean fuck all when it came to her chances of getting pregnant?

Yes she was ignoring it because it was once just once and they had barely even gotten to do anything at all and-

Robin scrolled again, growing more and more desperate

Rummingbird

That doesn’t really sound like breast cancer to me My mom had similar things happen when she was pregnant though-

Another scroll. Another flutter of her heart. 

No. It wasn’t that. She was dying. Dying was bad but the idea that she was…that she could be…

HyllyBRd

OP have you considered that you might be pregnant? I know that you’re a lesbian, but if you’ve had penetrative sex in the last month then you might want to consider-

“Are you going to be good for me?” 

Robin gasped as the memory hit her, closing the reddit tab with a slam of her finger on the mouse pad, her entire body starting to softly shake as she panic opened a google tab.

Boobs hurt????

Not exactly the most scientific way of phrasing that question, but Robin needed an answer that didn’t involve nine long months of what the fuck. Luckily there was a read more question that got right to the heart of the issue. 

What kind of breast pain indicates pregnancy? 

It was going to say something completely different to what she had, and Robin was going to laugh, and then she would turn to Steve and let him know she was dying of boobie cancer. 

It wasn’t going to be the same. 

It wasn’t. 

Robin looked at the screen. 

Fuller. Sorer. Tingly pain that felt unlike anything else. Aka exactly what she had. 

Robin’s fingers moved on autopilot, asking another question of Google

How late should my period be before I worry?

Worrying about what? She knew about what, but she couldn’t bring herself to type it, she couldn't even think of that word yet.

Google said after a week of missing your period it was time to see a doctor. Robin’s period was over three weeks late. 

And a month ago-

A month ago…

“Fuck you’re so tight,” The woman above her whispered. Robin whimpered, unable to help herself as the stretch-

“I need to use the bathroom.” She blurted out, slamming her laptop shut and practically throwing it off of her, stomach twisting into knots. 

“I’ll tell you what I tell my students Bobbin,” Steve said, barely looking up and completely unaware of her meltdown, “You don’t need to ask me for permission to go take care of your bodily functions,”

“Oh, shut up,” Robin replied, laughing breathlessly. It was such a stupid joke, such a meaningless stupid joke. But it was safe, and it was familiar, and if the sneaking suspicion creeping down Robin’s spine was true, then nothing would be safe and familiar again for a very long time. 

She stood up, stopping to press a kiss to the top of Steve’s head as she walked by, just because that was familiar too and she needed it. Steve hummed, leaning over to bonk his head against her tummy as she passed him.

A bonk on the tummy that may or may not be-

Nope. It was a no. It was definitely a no. There was no possible way. 

Robin was going to be sick. 

She basically flew the last few steps to the bathroom, managing to lock it tight before she threw up in the sink. It was disgusting, and messy, and she pushed the tap on before kneeling down at the porcelain throne and continuing to hurl. 

I need Steve.

It wasn’t even really a thought. She couldn’t think while throwing her guts up, that was an experience that required every bit of her attention and mind power. 

No, not a thought, just an instinctual message from the universe, a pull from somewhere deep inside her that felt like more than just a truth. 

Because Robin didn’t need Steve because she was throwing up. Or because she thought she might have boob cancer. 

Robin needed Steve because she knew she was pregnant. 

“Fuck me,” She groaned, leaning back from the toilet only to lean forward once more as the rest of brunch came back up. 

[chronicallycouchbound]

Rating names/terms for Ehlers Danlos Syndrome:

Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome: 10/10 Lawful neutral, it’s the official terminology, lets you know what’s up

EDS (in all caps): 9/10 Sometimes confused with other unrelated conditions and acronyms but usually works

EDs (‘S’ is lowercase): 2/10 Usually refers to erectile dysfunction or eating disorders, which causes a lot of confusion.

Ehlers Danlos: 8/10. Good shorthand while still knowing what’s going on.

Earers Daniel’s Syndrome: 1/10. I have only heard this once, from an ER doctor. He said it to me as he turned away from his screen (which was pulled up to the Web MD page for EDS) and proceeded to mansplain my condition to me inaccurately. At least he tried.

“Eyers Dan—“ *waves hand around*: -5/10 I’ve heard this one a lot from medical professionals. I just know I’m about to be malpracticed and am already planning the quickest way out of the situation.

Zebras: 6/10 I like the imagery, I like mascots, I like the story (when doctors are in med school they’re told “if you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras” but them zebras are missed) however, I have two criticisms: a) more rare conditions are out there, and zebras technically refers to any rare diseases, not just EDS b) I feel sad when I think about how it basically calls EDS the “I was medically malpracticed disease”

EDSers: 8/10 a cute lil shorthand for “people with EDS”. Easier to explain than the zebras thing

hEDS/vEDS/cEDS/including subtypes: 7/10 I like the idea of being able to know what your subtype is and find people in your sub community, HOWEVER my only concern is that it can feel (and used for) invalidating people without a genetically confirmed subtype because of inaccessibility. I haven’t had gene testing because I can’t afford it— but I have clinically diagnosed EDS, which has been confirmed at multiple hospitals by multiple specialists. I score a 9/9 on the Brighton, meet all major criteria, and meet almost every other minor criteria for EDS on top of that. But I don’t know my subtype yet. I don’t hate/dislike people who use this term and I don’t discourage it, but I do encourage mindfulness about genetic testing accessibility and privilege of access.

Bendy disease: 10/10 a silly goofy joke I say with friends “I cannot walk up stairs on account of my loosey goosey bendy disease” which is always funny to me. Even with my serious things like “my life threatening cardiac conditions are rapidly progressing” you add “on account of my bendy disease” and bam theres my coping skill.

Ehlers: 3/10 a step in the right direction, but it sounds like “yellers” and dismisses half of the team that described the condition

“Double jointed”: 1/10 I was told my whole life until I was 18 that I was just “double jointed” for starters, it’s medically inaccurate. You’re hyper extending, subluxing, or even dislocating joints whenever you’re “double jointed” in a joint. There is not two joints there (unless you’ve had x rays and for some reason genuinely do have two joints in that spot). I honestly hate this term and it’s incredibly dismissive of the pain that happens with EDS while also making it seem like a super power that we’re encouraged to do

Contortionist: 1/10 [NOTE!!! some contortionists DO NOT have EDS and can just bend like that. Some have benign joint hypermobility. But many contortionists do have EDS.] In the context of people with EDS, I hate this term. It’s often the first thing people jump to when I explain my condition. They see my crippled ass in my wheelchair/powerchair or limping around with my cane/crutches/rollator, usually in multiple braces/supports (and thats just external noticeable-to-everyone things, let alone if you hear any aspects of my daily life) and their first thought is: “wow!! So you can entertain me like it’s a freak show!” And not “holy shit dozens of dislocations per day and countless subluxations per day must be excruciating”. I did contortions when I was younger to get praise and due to peer pressure. Fuck that noise I will not be your ugly law era freak show creepy cripple p0rn. Fuck everything to do with that actually.

[marvelmaniac715]

I don’t know if it’s because it’s 1 am right now but I am very sad about Ruth Fleming and I’m gonna talk about it, you can’t stop me:

I’m also a theatre kid - I’ve been taking acting classes since the age of eight - so I recognise the pure joy and triumph in Ruth’s eyes as she performs ‘Just For Once’, finally taking a starring role, but also the wistful sadness because she will never be able to properly play the role (Lauren Lopez is an incredible actress). She is so happy, possibly the happiest she’s ever been - she’s free from the bullying and is able to indulge in her greatest dream for just a moment. And the dream is more than just the chance to perform. It’s joked about throughout the show that Ruth is horny and wants to get with someone, but the context is so much sadder. Ruth is incredibly lonely, even telemarketers won’t talk to her - she just wants somebody to touch her, to love her. In her song, her crowning glory, she can imagine a suburban life, glorifying the struggles of a middle-aged mother because she will never have even this, and she knows it. People don’t ever leave Hatchetfield, and if they do they never return. Ruth is seen as weird, and reputations are everything in Hatchetfield. By the time Ruth graduates, nobody will want to date her if they knew her in high school. Nobody will ever start a family with Ruth, so she throws herself into her performance with so much passion and desperate hope, because at heart she is still a child, barely eighteen, and children dream of love. Then, Max boos her, just as Ruth is happiest. He mocks her with theatrical terms, turning what she loves into another way to bully her, to cow her into submission. Ruth Fleming dies as she lived - alone. Then, what happens after she dies? The police mention Ruth’s demise to Grace and from what I remember, the girl barley reacts. Then, in the final mention of Ruth, Grace makes a joke as she asks Peter if his cell plan covers calls to Hell because “she’s bisexual and dead, where else would she be?” Ruth is seen as a joke even in her last moments. Unwept, unmourned. Her best friend died before she did and she never got a chance to truly mourn. Who will pray for Ruth now she’s gone? Certainly not Peter and Steph, not with Grace’s looming insanity to worry about. Ruth Fleming is played as a joke, but she is a truly tragic character, and more people need to acknowledge this.

[ashleyfilm]

Seeing Clearly - Chapter 8. A Talk with Joel

Happy Friday! And Double Posting of this fic Day! :)

Chapter Warnings: cursing, angst, smut, masterbation - Minors - DNI

Characters: Jackson!Joel Miller x F!OC Plus Size Reader

Chapter Summary: Joel and you finally have a proper conversation. 1.4K

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7

Chapter 8. A Talk with Joel

It’s a couple of days after Ellie came by and you’re doing your new nightly routine. Drinking your sleepy time tea that the coffee and tea house in downtown traded you for some help with bagging their tea leaf concoctions while working in the library. Putting on your night face cream that you got for finding a steamy romance novel for the lady who makes lotions and ointments in Jackson. And lighting the pine candle you got as a gift from Maria and Tommy when you moved into your own place. There’s a loud knock at the door that startles you. You quickly pull open the door to see an exasperated Joel Miller.

Joel walks past you into your small kitchenette area. “Come in, I guess…,” you question. “What’s this I hear about you takin’ on patrol duty?” Joel says as if it must be a joke. Instead of answering you move into your bedroom space leaving Joel in silence to continue your night cream application. “You know, I was actually in the middle of something when you so rudely barged your way into my home.” You say into the small mirror above the nightstand by your bed. Yeah, my home, asshole, the one I was forced into by you.

Joel, with a heavy sigh, walks to the door frame opening to your bedroom and leans against the it with his eyes on you. You continue to look at yourself just sparing him a cursory glance every now and then. “Tommy said you asked to be added to the patrol schedule.” He says quietly, likely dreading your response. “Yeah, I did,” you huff at him. “I want to contribute like everyone else in this town.” Joel scoffs, actually scoffs at you. God, fuck this guy.  “S’too dangerous. It’s not happening. I told Tommy I’d come here and set it straight with you.” You stomp your foot, and you know you look like a brat, but you don’t care because you’re just so over his bullshit. You walk over to him and with your voice raised say, “And why shouldn’t I? People older than me do it, people less capable than me. And what do you care if it’s dangerous? You don’t even speak to me, unless it’s to tell me what I can or can’t do.”

Joel shocks you by walking past you and sitting near the end of your bed. After a few moments of silence, you go and sit next to him. “Joel, what do you want from me?” you ask so quietly. He doesn’t answer so you continue. “Really, what is it? You took me in, you took care of me. You held me through my nightmares, and you… you kissed me. But then you sent me away. And you wouldn’t even look at me. Now, I’m trying to contribute, trying to make a place for myself so I’m not incredibly lonely all the time and you’re here just to take that away from me too? Why?” You can feel the tears welling up in your eyes and you try to stop them as best you can.

Joel finally speaks, without looking at you, “I’m sorry.” You close your eyes when you hear it, I’m sorry is probably the last thing you thought you’d hear Joel Miller say maybe ever. You speak quietly, looking at his big sad beautiful brown eyes, “Okay, but still, why?” He looks so lost, this big broad man, so defeated when he says, “I don’t deserve to be here, in Jackson, alive at all, maybe. I’ve done horrible things, and I try and stay away, or push you away, but I’m weak and I come back because… look I just, I know that I should stay away, because when I am around, I’m just a thorn in your side.” It’s your turn to sigh now, “Joel, honestly, I’d rather have you as a thorn in my side than not to have you there at all.” He looks at you, seeing the tear run down your cheek, he uses his thumb to wipe the tear away and it’s like it set your skin on fire. He takes his hand back and looks away too quickly. “You shouldn’t want me around, Darlin’. I don’t think anyone should. I’m just a burden. I know it, I’m a burden to Ellie, to Tommy, even to you.” You slowly reach your hand to Joel’s broad shoulder, shaking slightly, you touch him. And just like always, it electrocutes you in the best way possible.

“Joel, I’ve done terrible things, most of us have. I’m guessing you did them to survive, to protect people? And you’re not a burden, Ellie and Tommy, you’re their superhero.” He chuckles at that, and you take your hand off him and shoulder check him instead. “Shut up, I know it’s corny but it’s true. Ellie and Tommy love you so much, Joel. You need to let them.” You look at him now until he returns your gaze. “You might be a little annoying, but a burden, never. And you literally saved my life, so you’re kind of my hero, too. Just don’t get a big head about it.” Joel stands up suddenly and you’re reminded how big and broad he is. It feels like he fills your entire room. He finally speaks, “Alright, if you’re going on patrol, you sure as hell ain’t going without me.” You look him in the eye and nod sharply. Joel’s lips turn up just slightly at the corners and then he sees it.

The black wolf that he carved and painted and hid in your box of things when you left his house. It sits where it always does, on your nightstand. He picks it up, its small in his big hand, and he says looking at the wolf, “You know, I painted it black that night when you told me wolves were your favorite.” “I know,” you respond almost too quickly. He looks at you and you lock eyes. It feels like time stands still, until he severs the moment, putting the wolf back where he found it and walking out of your home. As the door shuts, you release a breath you don’t know how long you’ve been holding. And suddenly everything comes to a head. Joel was just in your room, and now it smells like him, vanilla, musk and pine, like your candle.

Something takes over your body as you grab the wolf and hold it close to you. It’s still warm from Joel’s touch. And you lay your head down where he was seated on the bed, feeling the warmth there too. You bring your legs up to rest toward your pillow and before you can think about what you’re doing, you’ve got one hand grabbing at your breast beneath your t-shirt. And you bring the howling wolf statue between your legs and start to rub in into your clothed core. You still have sleep shorts and underwear on but they’re both thin and the shape of the wolf hits your clit so perfectly. You know it should feel wrong, but it doesn’t. Something he made with his own hands and gave to you is as close as you can feel to him right now and you think you’d do almost anything to feel close to him. The pressure from the wooden carving between your legs is enough for you to start to feel your arousal soaking through the layers between your sex and the wolf. So, so quickly, you start to moan out loud and call out Joel’s name into the night until you come completely apart.

Breathe heaving, and body trembling you finally start to come down from your high. Replacing the wolf where it belongs, on your beside table. And suddenly a sob rakes through you. Guilt, shame, hope, you’re not sure what it is you’re feeling but you know this isn’t the end of the journey with Joel, it might still be the beginning. What you don’t know, is that Joel doesn’t leave right away when he closes your door. He stands there, trying to catch his breath until he hears you whimper. And then moan. And then call out his name in ecstasy. And he can’t help but put his ear to the door and listen to every perfect, beautiful sound you made. He leaves with a rock-hard dick in his pants for his walk home, before he can hear you start to cry.

Taglist: @somedayheaven @elegantduckturtle @indiegirlunited @guelyury @cheekychaos28 @ghostofzion @harriedandharassed

[babymetaldoll]

Are you mine? - Chapter six: "You killed my father, prepare to die."

Summary: It's a sad moment for the Reids: Gideon has been murdered. This is one of Spencer's darkest moments, but this time, he doesn't have to deal with it alone.  Warnings: Cursing, Criminal Minds spoilers of season 10 Ep 13 "Nelson Sparrow." It's just sad, everything is sad.  Word count: 8.405 words A/N: Hello!! So, who do you think Spencer felt about missing his daughter's first Halloween? I'm sure it was a low blow. What do you think their family disguise was about? I'm thinking Doctor Who, with Raven as a tiny Tardis. 

Series' Masterlist - Author's masterlist

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Spencer’s point of view

For a few months, things were normal for all of us. Well, as normal as they can be considering we worked at the BAU hunting serial killers week after week. (Y/N) and Kate got along incredibly well, and I could see how much she enjoyed spending time with her. She still missed Prentiss, but knowing she was just a phone call away made things easier this time.

Leaving our baby back home every time we had to go out of town for a case was still incredibly painful. Still, Sofia, Lu, Mikey, and Frank were always there with Raven, which helped us stay focused on work. Honestly, we wouldn’t be able to do it without them.

One thing made us incredibly miserable back then: We missed Raven’s first Halloween because we had to solve a case in San Diego. An unsub was kidnapping kids on October 31st, and though I knew our baby couldn’t go out trick and treating yet, it was heart-wrenching knowing we had missed her first Halloween. We had a family custom planned, and though we wore it the entire 1st of November as we stayed at home, carving pumpkins and watching the "Charlie Brown Halloween special" with her, it just wasn’t the same.

- “I wish we could promise her this is the only celebration we'll miss because of work.”- (Y/N) whispered as we cuddled in bed that night. - “But we both know that’d be a lie.”

- “I just hope next year things will be different.”- I whispered and kissed (Y/N)’s forehead as she snuggled closer.

- “I hope we don’t miss Christmas.”

We had some weird cases during that year. We even had a female unsub who ruined every fairy tale I read to my daughter. She was sure she was Cinderella and kept looking for her prince charming, killing every man who didn’t live up to her fantasy in the way. To catch her, I had to pretend to be a prince, carry one of her shoes like a crystal slipper, and nearly propose. That ended up being the only way she could go with us willingly.

I will never forget (Y/N)’s face as I approached the unsub in a cemetery, without any vest or gun. The whole idea was Hotch’s and I didn’t think it could work, but it turned out that that poor girl was so out of reality that she indeed thought I was her prince charming.

- “Not fair!”- my wife argued as we drove to the cemetery, where Garcia had located her and her newest victim.- “You are supposed to be my prince charming, no one else’s. And why did you take off your wedding right?”- and she pouted and whined, making me chuckle.

- “Come on, chipmunk! You know I am your and only yours. I’m just trying to get this unsub with the least use of force possible. And if she sees the ring she’ll know I’m lying.”

- “One weird movement and I’m gonna take her down.”- (Y/N) replied and I smiled, somehow proud of how jealous she was under the circumstances.

- “Do me a favor kids and stop being so freaking sweet when all of us can hear you.”- Rossi argued in my ear from the SUV right behind ours.

- “Never.”- my wife quickly replied from the back seat and I suppressed a chuckle.

- “Should I remind them I’m in the same car with them?”- JJ joked and (Y/N) smiled right away. It took some of the tension off, considering I knew my wife was upset I wasn’t wearing a vest to face the unsub. But I knew I didn’t need one, she had my back.

When we walked to the unsub, she had a pair of gardening scissors against her poor victim’s neck, and she was about to kill him, so I hurried and grabbed one of the evidence shoes we had from a bad and tried to get her attention, as (Y/N) hid behind a bush, pointing the unsub with a gun, and JJ did the same from behind a tree.

- “Excuse me. May I approach?”- I said, exactly as the Prince Charming did in the bedtime story I had read to Raven before we took off for that case.

- “Who are you? Go away!”- the unsub yelled back at me, and I walked slower, raising my hands, showing her I was not a threat.

- “Please, just give me the chance to speak. I've looked for so long.”

- “What? What are you talking about?”

- “I've searched this entire city trying to find the right person. Are you the right person?”- I made a short pause as I watched the guy she was about to kill move from her side. Her eyes were focused on me, so I continued speaking. -“The dance, the other evening. Do you remember?”

- “The dance?”- she stood up, dropped the weapon, and walked to me. She was indeed defenseless. Poor girl, she was actually sure she was Cinderella, and after knowing her background story, I could only hope she’d find help.

- “I met the most beautiful girl I had ever seen in my life. We danced the whole night, and then… She was gone. But she left this behind.”- I showed her the shoe and walked a few steps closer to her- “May I?”

And so, I kneeled before her and put on her shoe. She gasped and tears filled her eyes as she stared at me with a big smile and I kissed her hand, like Prince Charming usually does in books, to seal the deal.

- “I brought the carriage.”- it was the only way I could get her into the SUV and into custody.

- “You did?

- “It's waiting for us.”

She seemed so surprised and excited, I didn’t even have to push her, she held my arm as we started walking. I looked at my wife for a second, still hiding behind that bush, still pointing her gun at the unsub, and cut her a short smile, trying to help her relax, until she finally lowered the pistol and smiled back at me.

We had a bunch of crazy cases that year, but nothing, not even the hardest mysteries we’d had to crack, could have ever prepared me for that phone call and the drive in the middle of the night to Gideon’s cabin.

He was dead. Murdered. And it felt like a part of my chest was empty. He was the closest thing I've ever had to a father, and though we hadn’t talked in years after his departure from the FBI, I knew he was out there, being happy, living his life away from the murderers and cases.

But now he was gone, and we had to finish whoever had done that to him and make him pay.

(Y/N) held my hand the entire drive to his cabin, after dropping Raven with her mother. I didn’t speak much, and she didn’t push me either. I just let the tears fall from my eyes. When we got to the cabin, JJ, Hotch, Kate, and Rossi were already there. I couldn’t say a word as Gideon’s body lay on the ground, covered with a white sheet, like any other corpse we had seen at a crime scene before. Only this time, it was personal.

I tried not to cry, but my chin quivered and (Y/N) quickly held my hand tight. JJ looked at me with a sorry glance and I locked my eyes on the sheet on the floor, still trying to process the fact that it was Gideon’s corpse.

No one said a word for a few minutes. They were all broken hearted, just like me. The record player kept spinning, after playing the last song he ever heard. The chess board was untouched, waiting for him to come back and play. Garcia and Morgan walked in after a few minutes and stood next to us, also shocked and deeply affected.

- “Are you sure?”- Penelope asked Hotch, still not believing it was actually Gideon lying dead in front of us. Hotch nodded and kept his eyes on Garcia as he replied.

- “It’s Gideon.”

That was enough for me. I had to step out of that cabin. I couldn’t deal with that kind of grief. My wife walked behind me and hugged me as I finally broke in tears, and sobbed against her neck as he held me close to her.

- “It’s ok honey, let it all out.”- she whispered and caressed my hair as I cried my heart out. I couldn’t stop. I felt a hole had been dug in the middle of my chest. How could Gideon be dead? How? Who killed him? I needed to find that asshole and make him pay. I knew I was sad and emotional, but the need for revenge was growing fast inside me.

- “How could… who would…”

I couldn’t finish sentences as I cried and held (Y/N) closer to me. Closer as possible. You don’t expect your family to be murdered. And Gideon was like family to me. We hadn’t talked in over eight years, but he was still one of the most important people in my life. He helped me grow, and he taught me so much when I first joined the FBI. He trusted my intelligence, he got everybody to call me a doctor.

How does a guy so smart, so bright, get murdered? What happened? What went wrong? How couldn’t he notice something was going on? Gideon was a legend in the FBI, and to me, he was one of the smartest guys I had ever met. How could that have happened to him?

- “We are gonna solve this.”- my wife whispered and kept caressing my hair. - “We are gonna find out what happened and we are gonna catch whoever killed him.”

I couldn’t answer, all I managed to do was nod as a reply and felt (Y/N) holding me, trying to keep the pieces of my heart together.

JJ walked out of the cabin a few minutes later. She stared at me as I did my best to stop sobbing. I wasn’t afraid to be vulnerable in front of my friends and family- and that’s what the team had always been to me- but I knew I had to put my grief aside and start working as a profiler, ‘cos we needed to solve that case.

- “I am so sorry, Spence.”- JJ whispered and walked to me. (Y/N) unwrapped her arms from my body, making me shiver, missing her warmth immediately. JJ hugged me for a moment, but it wasn’t as comforting as (Y/N)’s arms. Not mean to compare, but it just didn’t do much for me. However, I hugged my friend tight and sighed, thinking it had to be hard for her as well. Gideon wasn’t just my team partner. It was everybody’s, and we were all grieving in the same way. I couldn’t be selfish, that wasn’t about me.

- “Do we know anything?”- (Y/N) whispered and JJ shook her head. She moved and hugged my wife for a moment and I cleared my throat, trying to compose myself.

- “Forensic are on their way to remove the body. Hotch is calling the family.”

And somehow that sentence hit me. It was hard for us to know Gideon had been murdered, but I couldn't even begin to imagine how his family was going to feel. He had a son named Stephen. They weren’t close, that I knew, but that doesn’t mean they hated each other. It’s hard having a family with the job we had. (Y/N) and I knew that very well now. It was double work being present at home and keeping what we saw at work out of the house. But giving our daughter the best we had was our priority. I never wanted her to feel she wasn’t as important as what we did for a living, because she is the world to us.

Morning came sooner than I expected. Somehow it felt like only minutes had passed since we arrived at that cabin. I had only been there once before, the day Gideon left the team and I found his letter for me, saying goodbye. The only memory I had of that place wasn’t better than that moment I was living.

(Y/N) talked with the team as she held my hand. She was the functional one in our relationship at that minute. She knew I needed time to process it all, and she let me. But never, not even once, did she stop holding my hand.

A team of criminalistic took Gideon’s body from his cabin and I just stood there, staring at the scene, unable to move. I couldn’t even say a word. I just glued my eyes to the ground, reliving all the memories I had with Jason in my mind over and over again. I remembered when I first joined the team and we had our first case. He picked me to be on the team even when I was still very young. I was the younger agent to join the BAU, and he trusted my knowledge and my abilities, even when I didn’t.

Gideon taught me about serial killers and how to catch them. He taught me about chess and life. He even tried to help me get a date with JJ back in the day.

- “Remember how much he hated us hanging out when I joined the team?”- (Y/N) whispered, reading my mind at the moment. It was the first thing she had said to me in at least half an hour and all I managed to do as a reply was to nod.

- “He once called me to his office and told me I was being selfish with the team, ‘cos the way I was influencing you was taking your mind from work, and that you were the smartest of us all.”- my wife confessed after over ten years. I remembered that day exactly, she had walked out of Gideon’s office nearly crying, and I gave her candies to cheer her up.

- “You never let that get in the way of our friendship and I think eventually he realized I was a good influence on you.”- (Y/N) whispered and turned to me. I looked at her puffy eyes and sighed, they were still sparkling, even with all the sadness I could read on them.

- “Though he never got you tickets to go to a concert with me.”- she teased and cut me a warm smile.

- “I love you.”- I replied and wrapped my arms around her. - “Thank you for supporting me.”

- “Always.”- she answered and kissed my lips sweetly. - “Hotch wanted us to go with Morgan and talk with the M.E. but if you don’t want to go…”

- “No, I have to.”- I quickly answered and wiped the few tears that had fallen from my eyes as I spoke.

- “You don’t have to do anything, honey.”

- “I owe it to Gideon. I have to help the team.”

The entire drive to the M.E. we were silent. We took our car and (Y/N) drove us there. Morgan was waiting for us right outside, standing next to his SUV.

- “How are you?”- he asked us and neither of us replied. I looked at him and felt him tapping on my back a few times- “Come on, kids.”- he whispered and walked with us inside. Neither of us wanted to be, that was a fact.

We walked the same halls we had been in a thousand times during the years, and we met with the same team we had worked with a million times. They all knew how hard that was for us, and they were kind enough to try to make it easier.

- “Out of respect, I kept him covered.”- the doctor said as we stood in front of Giden’s dead body.

- “Appreciate that.”- Morgan replied and I felt (Y/N)’s hand squeezing mine.

- “'Cause of death was hypovolemic shock due to ballistic trauma. Three points of entry: left shoulder, right abdominal wall, and right temporal.”- the doctor started and I felt sick immediately.

- “Did he suffer?”- Derek asked the question we were all thinking and I didn’t move my eyes from the sheet. It was slowly covering staining with blood.

- “Not for long, no.”- the forensic quickly responded and as she continued talking, Morgan turned and looked at me, not saying a word. - “His brain stopped working before he was able to process his last breath. After the final shot, he was gone within a fraction of a second.”

- “Would you excuse us, please?”- Morgan’s words sounded like a whisper in that room, and the doctor nodded.

- “Of course.”

- “Thank you.”- as soon as she was out of the room, Derek turned to me and the tears started to fall slowly from my eyes. (Y/N) rubbed my back and kissed my hand as she continued holding it.

- “Did you hear any of that, kid? He didn't suffer.”- I couldn’t even tell him I understood, ‘cos tears filled my eyes and I nearly started sobbing- “Listen to me. Listen to me. I know you are not alone, I know you have your wife to support you, but you two are not going through this on your own. Sometimes you two put up these walls and you block us out, and you can't do that, not right now.”

I know to this day that he was right. Before being in a relationship, me and (Y/N) would do that to the world. We had our own little bubble and we would live there, help each other, and never rely on anyone else. Like we did when she helped me get clean and sober. After we started dating, that bubble became more exclusive. The way we handled Prentiss’ death was just a glimpse of how we worked. We were a team of our own and we would leave everybody out.

- “We need you, kids. Gideon needs you. Both of you.”- Morgan finished his speech and hugged me tight. He looked at (Y/N) and hugged her too, as she tried her best not to cry and remain strong.

- “I'm going to step right out there, and when you two are ready… let's go get this son of a bitch.”

(Y/N)’s point of view

One of the scariest things about Gideon’s death was dealing with the awful truth: we were all potential victims. Yes, it wasn’t the first time we had to face that fact, but you usually forget it. You are under an incredible amount of stress, dealing with serial killers, trips, your daily routine, and taking care of your baby, your house, and your husband. And then this hits you: You can die. All of your team could be in danger. And there is nothing you can do to stop it.

Honestly, it’s nerve-wracking.

I had held Spencer’s hand since the second we got that phone call and I wasn’t planning on letting it go. I knew how hard that situation was for my husband and I was not going to let him go through it alone. Never.

Morgan left us alone with Gideon’s corpse and Spencer cried for a few seconds. I hugged him and let my own tears fall free as we simply stood in front of Gideon’s body. After a silence, filled with our sobs, I let my husband go and turned to the body.

- “So, as you may know, we got married.”- I started talking and felt Spencer’s hand holding mine tighter in a second. - “It’s been three years already, and we have a little girl. Her name is Raven. You would have loved her. She is so smart, like her dad.”

- “Like her mom.”- Spencer corrected me and I brushed the tears that kept falling down my face as I continued speaking.

- “She is going to be one year old in a few weeks, and we are planning a big party. She loves animals and bedtime stories. Spencer reads her for hours before putting her down to bed.”- my chin kept quivering as I spoke, but I continued fighting the tears and made a long pause, trying to recompose myself.

- “We miss you.”- Spencer whispered- “I miss you.”

His voice broke at the end of that last word, but after a few seconds, he continued talking. 

- “I hope you are proud of the man I became, ‘cos you had a lot to do with who I am today. Every time I am scared and feel like quitting, I remember when you told me “We all have bad dreams. Everyone on the plane, who wouldn't? We hunt the worst of humanity, we see the depths of depravity, we dream of monsters.” And yet, you left us. I guess I understand why you did it. However, I don’t understand why you turned your back on us. Why didn’t you call? Why not send a letter after that goodbye? We were a family, or at least that's how I felt about you.”

My husband was opening his heart, and the only thing I could do was to hold his hand and encourage him to let it all out. That was the time to do it. The moment to start healing from any wound that the end of his relationship with Gideon left him.

- “I’m sorry you felt like you needed to leave us behind. There were so many times when I wished I could still talk to you. Ask you things, get your advice. It wasn’t just serial killers. You were my friend. And as you remember, I don’t have many friends. That hasn’t changed much.”

- “And I’m still a very bad influence for him”- I had to add and chuckled- “But I still try to make him eat his greens at every dinner.”

- “You force me.”- Spencer argued immediately and I nodded.

- “That remains the same, as you can notice.”- my words were a soft whisper as I moved closer to the table, Spencer holding still my hand. - “Thank you for everything, Gideon. I’m sorry things ended up like this. I wish you could have come to our wedding. I wish we could have had one last conversation, to know if you were ok. But I give you my word, we are gonna catch whoever did this to you, and we are making them pay.”

Spencer took a deep breath and didn’t say a word for a moment. I looked at him and cut him a short smile, caressing his hand with my thumb as I still held it tight.

- “Thank you, Gideon. I will always remember our conversations, all of them. You changed my life. I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for you. I owe you so much…”- he sobbed for a moment, letting it all out. It broke my heart to see my husband so affected, but it was a good thing he was being open about his feelings. He wasn’t hiding how he felt, and between us that was a great improvement. He finally understood I didn’t need him to be perfect, I wanted him to be honest. That was it.

- “Goodbye, my friend.”- Spencer whispered, wiped the tears from his face, and sighed, looking at me.- “I’m ready. Let’s catch this guy.”

I cut him a short, warm smile and nodded. I gave him a Kleenex and ran my thumb across his cheek. When we walked out of there, Morgan was waiting for us. He didn’t say a word, he just looked at us and started walking. It was time to go back to the cabin and investigate this case as any other case. We had to be profilers.

Back at the cabin, JJ, Kate, and Penelope were going through some of Jason’s things, tracing his last steps. Spencer and I walked in and overheard the last part of their conversation, as Morgan followed us closely.

- “Ok, Gideon fueled up every 350 miles, he probably stopped at some diners along the way, 'cause, you know, the man could like live off of milkshakes.”- Pen rambled as she kept staring at the screen in front of her. - “Definitely he took his sweet time going down the coast, but booked it back from Jacksonville, and instead of coming here home to his cabin, he stayed one night in Roanoke.”

- “Why? It's only an hour away.”- Kate asked but her words were ignored ‘cause JJ noticed us and looked at my husband with the saddest eyes I’ve ever seen.

- “Spence?”

- "I just don't understand any of it anymore. I guess I'm just looking for it again, for the belief I had back in college, the belief I had when I first met Sarah and it all seemed so right."- Spencer quoted the letter Gideon had left him as he stared at a book with a picture of Sarah and her date of death.

- “That's beautiful.”- Kate whispered and looked at us, probably not knowing what else to say. - “Who's Sarah?”

- “Gideon's first love.”- I answered and looked around, still feeling wrong for snooping into someone else’s life. Someone who had taken us out of his life.

- “You're remembering the letter Gideon left you.”- JJ kept staring at Spencer and he nodded, avoiding eye contact with anyone in that room. He just stared at the book in his hands and continued talking.

- “I'm thinking maybe he rushed back and stayed in Roanoke because he was finally happy. What if he found someone like Sarah again?”- Spencer sighed and turned around. He wasn’t ready to be at that cabin again, neither of us was, but we had to start working. I started walking behind him, but Rossi stopped me before I walked out of the door.

- “Principessa, wait. Let Spencer deal with his emotions alone for a moment.”- I stood by the door and looked at my husband outside, just walking around, looking at his feet. - “How's the kid?- David asked Morgan, I guess I wasn’t supposed to hear 'cause he was whispering, but I was right there.

- “Not great. But he'll get his head back in the game.”

- “Come here”- Rossi said looking at me and I walked over, still trying to see what Spencer was doing.- “How are you doing?”

- “I’m… shocked, I guess.”- I murmured and felt his arm around me. - “What about you? He was your friend, you were the fathers of the BAU.”

- “We are going to find whoever did this, then and only then I’ll be able to deal with what happened.”

Rossi’s words sounded a lot like any FBI agent would react: logical. Somehow I felt I was never going to be able to react that way if someone I loved was involved in a case.

- “Rossi, this is crazy.”- Morgan started talking, still trying to wrap his head around what had happened- “Gideon and I used to walk around scenes like this all the time. He'd always say to me, "Morgan, I'm the unsub. How did I do it?"”

- “Well, first I shoot my target from a distance, wounding him. Then I move in for the kill.”- Rossi replied, keeping his head cold, and being a profiler on duty.

- “Gideon has the strength to shoot a few rounds into the door. But he misses.”- Derek walked to the door and stared at the scene. - “Because I've weakened his dominant hand. Gideon didn't have the strength to hold his gun steady.”

- “So, I stand over. I get off on this. My face is the last thing he'll see. And then I finish him.”- Rossi adds and stares at the blood stains on the carpet.

- “But wait a second.”- I finally interrupted them and looked at the room around me like a crime scene, and not Gideon’s living room.- “If most of the gun was from here to the door, why did Gideon shoot way over here to this wall? That makes no sense unless he did it on purpose.”

- “You are right, pretty girl. Shot's gotta mean something.”- Derek nodded and the three of us stared at the whole on the wooden wall. Rossi grabbed the painting that had fallen due to the gunshot: it was a creepy sparrow picture.

- “The devil is in the details.”- David said and sighed- “Do you mind if I take Boy Wonder with me for a ride?”

- “Of course”- I answered - “Just let me say goodbye.”

- “It’s just a ride, Bella.”- Rossi cut me a short smile, and I nodded.

- “I know.”

Spencer left with Rossi and I was left with the girls. The first thing Penelope asked was how Spencer was doing, and I simply shrugged and sighed.

- “As well as expected, I guess.”

- “Were he and Gideon close?”- Kate asked and I nodded thinking “close” wasn’t the word I would use to describe that relationship.

- “They had a friendship that was more like a father and son relationship. He took so much care of Spencer when he first joined the BAU, he was actually upset we were friends.”- I explained and both JJ and Penelope smiled, nodding, probably remembering how it used to be when Gideon worked with us.

- “Upset you were friends? Why?”- Callahan demanded to know.

- “Well, I was somehow… a bad influence for Spencer.”- I whispered and sighed.

- “You two once got to work drunk!”- JJ said and chuckled- “I still remember Gideon’s look when you two sat at the table wearing sunglasses.”

- “Drunk?!”- Kate nearly yelled, shocked. Morgan walked over and overheard the conversation, and of course, he had to add his 5 cents to the topic.

- “Little Ricky smelled like whisky and beer. It was one of the best BAU moments.”

- “They called us at 3 in the morning, for Christ's sake!”- I argued and Pen giggled staring at me- “We had had a few drinks with some friends. It’s not like we were wasted.”

- “Jr. G man was so proud, though”- Garcia said - “I remember he told me he had so much fun that night, that your friends were the best, that everybody was nice to him. And that he even learned how to skateboard that night.” - I was about to add something to that memory, when JJ suddenly said.

- “Gideon really treated Spencer like a kid. Remember that birthday he gave Spence tickets to a football game, even when Spencer has never been a sports fan, so he could take me out on a date?”

Looking back at that moment, I think I should have noticed it was wrong that JJ kept bringing up every chance she could that she went out on a “date” with my husband. Penelope and Kate looked at me, waiting for my reaction, but I just shrugged and smiled.

- “He is screwed now, my family forces him to have football Sundays when we get together. And call me crazy, but I think he enjoys it.”

About two hours later, we got a call from Rossi and Spencer. They had a clue. Apparently, Gideon had been killed by an unsub they never caught in the area back in 1978.

- “The last thing Gideon did was to shoot a bird painting. I think he was trying to tell us that his killer is the same one from a case we worked on in 1978.”- Rossi said through the line.

- “So it was someone he locked up.”- Kate suggested, but the answer was no.

- “No, those murders went unsolved.”

- “So if this wasn't about revenge on Gideon if he didn't lock the guy up, then what was this?”- Morgan asked, looking confused.

- “We all knew Jason, he might have retired from the BAU, but there is no way he ever stopped working. I’m sure he was investigating that case if he never solved it back in the days.”- I said, thinking it was a very Gideon thing to do: retire to never ever retire indeed.

- “Exactly, maybe he went after Gideon because he was back on the case again.”- Rossi agreed with me.

- “The unsub was strangling 20-something brunettes.”- Spencer said through the line and I wished I could be with him, holding his hand. - “Garcia, were there any female bodies found in Roanoke County in the past few days?”

- “Let me check the crystal web ball.”- after a few seconds, Pen had the answer. - “Yes. An unidentified woman in her 50s was found in a shallow grave just outside of Salem.”

- “Was she strangled?”- Rossi asked right away.

- “That's the mystery. There was no foul play.”- Garcia answered shaking her head.

- “Was there a dead bird in her hand?”- Spencer asked and we all frowned, confused.

- “What? Eew. None of that fowl play either.”- Pen looked grossed

- “Hon, why the bird? Is that his signature?”- I asked.- “I’m guessing it wasn’t a random question.”

- “Yes, apparently, they were the unsub's obsession.”- Spencer answered.

- “So how did Gideon get back on the case?”- Kate questioned and looked at us - “I mean, he was retired, he should have been… bird watching. I don’t know.”

- “He saw the story in a national paper and it obviously piqued his interest.”- JJ suggested- “What are the chances that the same woods and the same ritual make headlines again?”

- “But the signature was missing.”- Kate pointed out.

- “It’s Gideon we are talking about. I think he knew something we haven’t discovered yet.”- I suggested and Hotch nodded. - “Or he had one hell of a hunch.”

- “That's why he drove to Roanoke. He needed to make sure it wasn't just a coincidence.”- Rossi supported my words through the line.

- “Well, clearly it wasn't.”- Morgan whispered.

- “And this woman would have been in her 20s back then. Age-wise, that's his type.”- Garcia pointed out and I nodded.

- “It's all there. He just connected the dots.”- I sighed and shook my head. - “If only he would have called us and asked for help.”

- “Don’t go there, principessa”- Rossi said from the other side of the line. - “What’s done it’s done. We can only try to help him finish what he needed to get done.”- I sighed one more time and nodded, which was incredibly stupid considering David couldn’t see me.

- “If she was a victim, then she was held captive for 37 years. Who knows what he did to her in all that time?”- Kate said and my mind went to a very dark place immediately. We needed to give that poor victim the justice she deserved as well.

- “What if he stopped killing because he found the victim he really wanted and held on to her?”- Spencer suggested.

- “Her recent death could have sent the unsub into a tailspin. He's probably gonna want to find someone new.”- Morgan added and we all nodded.

- “And if it's anything like what he did before, he may hunt and kill until he finds the right one.”- JJ added the part we knew but didn’t want to think of: that it might be the start of a new massacre.

- “We'll meet you in Roanoke, Dave.”- Hotch said and we all started walking outside. Only Garcia and JJ remained at the cabin, retracing Gideon’s last steps, while, Kate, Morgan, Hotch, and I got into an SUV and drove to town.

On our way over we kept talking on the phone with Rossi, Spencer Garcia, and JJ. When we got to Roanoke I was paired with Morgan, which was nice. He didn’t ask much about how I was feeling, we both focused on the case and tried our best to be professional and headed to the morgue to identify the victim’s body.

- “That ink's pretty faded.”- Derek pointed out staring at a butterfly tattoo on the victim’s ankle.

- “Yeah, she must have got that 40 years ago.”- I whispered and turned to the M.E - “What was the C.O.D.?”

- “Cancer.”- he answered with a troubled stare in his eyes. Clearly, something was bothering him.

- “Cancer?”- I questioned and he just nodded.

- “She was riddled with it. No evidence of tissue damage from chemo or radiation.”- the forensic started explaining- “At first I thought her severe muscle atrophy and bone loss was a side effect of the disease. And she clearly lost her appetite, because her stomach shrunk to half its size.”

- “You said at first you thought it was about the disease. What changed your mind?”- Morgan took the words from me as he looked at the M.E. waiting for an answer.

- “Well, I hadn't finished the exam when I explained all of this to the other one… what's his name?”- there was a brief silence after that question, Derek and I looked at each other immediately.

- “Gideon.”- I replied, trying to look like it wasn’t weird at all to talk about him like he hadn’t been just killed.

- “Yes, him. Now that I've had time to fully examine the body, it tells a different story. She's got ripped ligaments between her pelvic girdle and femur bone like her legs had been dislocated multiple times. She's got calluses like she was crawling around like a limp dog.”

Every word that explained the excruciating pain that poor woman had been through during all the years she had been held captive, hurt me. I can’t imagine how Gideon felt to know she had been alive all those years, waiting for someone to rescue her.

- “Have you ever seen that before?”- I dared to ask, though I imagined the answer.

- “Yes. On three young women many years ago.”

It was the same unsub.

Hotch, Spencer, and Rossi were waiting for us outside the morgue. My husband was holding a paper bag with a bagel and a hot cup of coffee.

- “You need some breakfast.”- he whispered as I smiled, blushing. Yes, I would still blush every time he made a sweet gesture like that. I hadn’t even finished opening the bag when JJ called and he put her on speaker.

- “Hey, Hotch, there's another missing woman. You need to get to the library on Third and Main right now.”

And off we were. At least I was finally with Spencer again.

Spencer’s point of view

That day was hard. Hard doesn’t even begin to explain it, but for the lack of a better word, let’s go with “hard.” Everything had been uphill. I even called Sofia and asked if I could video chat with my daughter as we drove back from talking with the victim’s mother. That was a balm for my soul. Finally being with my wife helped as well. I understand Rossi wanted to put an eye on me and talk about what was going on, but I really didn’t want to be apart from her that day. She was my happy place.

- “Today’s victim, Josie Behdart, 23, single, she walked to work. Local cops just found her cell phone in a trash can and, surprise, no cameras.”- Kate said as she and Hotch walked toward us at the library parking lot, holding a police file with all the info about the abduction.

- “And all the original reports confirm that each of the victims was taken within a mile of this library.”- our Unit Chief added.

- “Well, needless to say, this guy has a comfort zone to hunt”- (Y/N) pointed out and I nodded.

- “It hasn't changed since '78.”- Morgan added - “My guess is there's another significance to this location.”

- “A library could be an ideal hunting ground. A haven for the lonely. Let me check it out.”- I said and started walking. But before taking another step I turned around and looked at my wife. I didn’t even have to say a word, she was already walking behind me.

Honestly, it felt good to know she wasn’t going to leave my side. And no, that is not something I could ever take for granted.

- “You haven’t taken off your scarf.”- (Y/N) whispered as we walked to the main door of the library's old building.

- “I love this scarf, you gave it to me on January 16th, 2006, almost two months after we met.”- I pointed out and she smiled. Not your regular “that’s funny” smile, a hearty one. A “I love you smile.” I live for those smiles from her.

- “I know, honey. I remember that day too. But what I meant was it's not cold anymore, aren’t you warm?”

- “No, I’m ok. Have you talked with your mom?”

- “Yeah, she and Raven were out for a walk.”

- “Ok Reids. What are we looking for?”- Morgan showed up at our side and looked around. Kate followed him quickly and smiled at us as she said.

- “What? We weren’t going to miss a trip to the library, it’s where the cool kids hang out.”

It was obvious the team was now trying to put an eye on us, maybe even support us or cheer us up a little bit. And it was sweet, in a way. I knew we all loved each other, and we were there in good and bad.

- “Hope you are ok”- JJ texted me a few minutes later, proving my theory. It was nice to know we all had each other’s backs.

I didn’t have much time to reply to JJ’s text because we were pretty busy at the library. It was a small town and Gideon hadn’t gone undetected by the locals. Hotch and Rossi waited for us in a cafeteria, and as soon as we walked back in, we gave them the news.

- “The librarian remembers Gideon. He got a temporary card, checked out these books in the morning, and left them in the drop box on his drive home last night.”- I left the books on the table and moved a chair for my wife, as we all sat at the table with Hotch and Rossi.

- “He left the library and came here to read books.”- Callahan whispered sadly as he sat down, probably trying to see which one of the seats he had taken.

- “Yeah, that is just classic Gideon and classic profiling.”- (Y/N) added and kept her eyes on the book on the table. - “I don’t know why I find it comforting knowing exactly what he did that last day.”

- “He sat right here to let the unsub know he was watching.”- Morgan said, nodding.

- “But if Gideon was so sure he lured the right guy, why didn't he tell us?”- my wife questioned and looked at us. I couldn’t give him an answer, because I asked myself the same the entire day.

- “It's like the unsub was his white whale.”- Kate analyzed and her words made sense. - “He wanted to catch him on his own, and his last move was when the unsub targeted him.”

- “The age of the victims has stayed the same as the unsub has aged.”- Hotch pointed out. - “It speaks to his arrested development.”

- “So the question is what it's always been: Why them? Why now?”- Morgan commented and (Y/N) nodded.

- “Back to profiling one on one.”- and we all sighed - “Ok, give me those books, let’s see what Gideon was reading about.”

We all read for a while, I tried to do it as fast as possible, but I was having a hard time concentrating. The waitress brought us coffee, which we all gladly welcomed, and offered us pie. Hotch said no and I nearly pouted. I could have had some. I needed sugar to function.

- “This is it. Nelson's sparrow.”- Rossi pointed at a book after a while.- “It's what the unsub left in their hands because its behavior matched that of the insecure victims.”

- “So the unsub really knew his birds and where to find them.”- Morgan said, looking exhausted. I’m sure we all looked like that considering we hadn’t slept at all.

- “Is there some kind of bird lovers club in the area?”- Kate asked and (Y/N) grabbed her phone right away.

- “Let me call an expert. Hey Garcia, you are on speaker. Tell me, are there any nature centers or bird-watching chapters in the area?”

- “There's an old-timey bird-watching group called the Flappers, median age of like 89. They started in the sixties. Most of the members have gone extinct.”- Garcia announced in a matter of seconds.

- “And chances are the unsub and his victims weren't a part of that group, so where else would he meet them?”- Kate asked, as Aaron grabbed the picture of the unsub’s victim and showed it to us.

- “Tara was his ideal.”

- “What made her so special for him?”- (Y/N) asked, focusing on the image.

- “Tara's mother said she was broken.”- Rossi pointed out.

- “And he knew that because he spent more time watching her than the others.”- Hotch commented.

- “So he was basically a stalker. He was able to study her, not just glance as she passed by the window.”- (Y/N) said and I nodded along her words.

- “She was a few years out of high school when she disappeared. Maybe he knew her from there.”- Morgan analyzed, but it didn’t really make much sense.

- “She wasn't very social.”- I said, trying to connect their lives, with how they lived.

- “Well, neither was he, hon.”- (Y/N) said and rubbed my hand with her as she smiled at me for a moment.

- “They were both in their 20s when she was taken.”- Hotch pointed out. - “If they weren't friends in high school, maybe they worked together?”

- “Tara's mom said right out of school she bagged groceries.”- I added and Garcia replied in a matter of seconds.

- “I've got Tara working at Joe's on Main summer of '76 through '77.”

- “Are there any employees at Joe's supermarket who started in the seventies and are still there?”- Hotch asked and I raised an eyebrow.

- “You do realize you are asking for the impossible, right?”- (Y/N) whispered and our Unit Chief simply raised an eyebrow.

- “But I’m asking Garcia, I know she delivers.”

- “Well, that's nearly 40 years ago in a galaxy far, far away that wasn't using my magic binary boxes, but, yeah, the place is still family-owned and operated. Give me a hot minute.”

- “Thank you, Pen.”- (Y/N) said and I held her hand as she cut me a little smile.

- “Ok. Three of the people still working there are women. That leaves two males. There's a name I've heard before. Mallick.”- it took Garcia less than two minutes to gather the whole information. A new record.

- “Who?”- Hotch asked, confused.

- “Gertie Mallick was one of the founding members of the bird group. Died in 1974. Her next of kin was her nephew Donnie Mallick, who inherited her farm and... buys enough birdseed to let me know I should send you his address.”

We had a suspect and most likely, our Unsub. Gideon’s murderer.

As Hotch drove us to Mallick’s last known address in the middle of nowhere, I couldn’t stop analyzing his life. His mother gave birth to him at only fourteen, and at eighteen she was sent to a mental facility for schizophrenia, and her four-year-old son was sent to live with his only living kin, a 72-year-old wheelchair-bound Aunt Gertrude. A part of me pitied him. He never had a normal life, he had most likely inherited his mother’s condition. I could relate to the fear and the pain.

But he had killed Jason Gideon. My mentor, my biggest influence. I wanted to shoot the guy, I wanted to give Gideon peace and give some sense of what had happened.

That was until I heard his voice in the back of my head as I remembered one conversation we once shared when I still was struggling to pass my firearm qualification exam.

- “Hotch told me that when he came to the BAU, you told him he didn't need a gun to kill somebody?”- I questioned Gideon and he nodded.

- “The only truly effective weapon we have is our ability to do the one thing they can't.”

- “Which is what?”

- “Empathize. They dehumanize their victims, we humanize the killers.”

I took a deep breath and nodded to myself. I wasn’t going to let my emotions take the best of me that day.

When we got to the house, we divided, and luckily, (Y/N) stayed with me as we went through the back. The gunshot warned us in a matter of minutes, Rossi got the unsub. And he was dead. I thought I was gonna be relieved to see him there, but no. I just felt sad for him, for his life, and for the women he had tortured and killed. At least Gideon’s work was finished.

Did Mallick give a reason to Rossi to pull the trigger? I don’t know. But I know I’m glad it wasn’t me. I wanted to go home and still be myself. A good version of myself. One that could be Raven’s dad and (Y/N)’s husband.

I was gonna miss Gideon, always, but I knew I was never gonna be him, and that was a good thing. 

Next chapter

Series' Masterlist - Author's masterlist

[lemon-natalia]

Nona the Ninth Reaction - Chapter 15

i am very concerned about everything going on with Hot Sauce right now. she knows something is up with Angel, she was at the burnings, she’s looking out of the window for something. i really hope she hasn’t gotten caught up in anything to do with BoE, or some other kind of conflict, i don’t think it will end well for her 

once again i adore the dynamics at play here with Hot Sauce’s little gang. and once again something that is written in a way that makes it initially funny but becomes very sad when you think about it, Honesty doesn’t take the painkillers for his black eye so that he can sell them

Angel is getting progressively more tired and less put together, and was dropped off by someone in a car - i wonder if this has anything to do with when she had mentioned being not quite a doctor, potentially she was some kind of medic in a military context? also i initially make short comments in physical handwriting on my copies before typing them up, and no joke it took me a good five minutes plus rereading all the descriptions of Angel so far to realise that i had written the word ‘doctor’ and not something unintelligible like ‘cleerr’ 

no-one coming to pick Nona up is somehow incredibly ominous, i have a very bad feeling about it given we last saw Camilla and Pyrrha tied up in a BoE van, with no guarantee they made it back 

oh and we have what is possibly an actual name for Angel, Aim. though Aim could still be a nickname for something else 

there’s a lot of mentions of food so far, and what Nona does/doesn’t want to eat. Nona only seems to hate eating actual food, and is fine with eating objects e.g., a pencil, which makes me wonder if thats somehow linked to chapter 7, where Nona mentions being hungry in the dream. and wayyy back in John 20:8 he talks about he and mysterious-Halecto-narrator being hungry ‘rarely’. 

huh, i wonder why Nona is so insistent that Hot Sauce shouldn’t use the term necromancers? ‘zombie’ i can understand, but even Gideon (and Harrow i think?) use the term necromancers and it doesn’t seem to be anything rude. unless it’s a slightly different term with different meanings in whatever language Hot Sauce/the whole city is speaking 

Nona and Hot Sauce are being very quiet and secretive talking about BoE, so it seems to be not quite as open a topic as i had thought. and given that Hot Sauce likely isn't involved with BoE given her apparent dislike of them, i hope she hasn't gotten involved with someone worse or more dangerous

and poor Hot Sauce, she’s seen an awful lot. i can understand why she hates necromancers so much, the description of how they used exploding bodies as lures is just horrifying 

not ‘The Secret’™. i wonder if its about the fact that she can hear the RB? but then Hot Sauce makes a comment about the ‘organ market’ … i’m guessing it has to do with the little mentions of how Nona is unhealthy in some way. and it’s not good that apparently she really doesn’t want to admit it to anyone else, not even Palamedes who could possibly help

Nona’s relationship with Hot Sauce is really very sweet, but given the reality of what/who Nona is vs how much Hot Sauce despises necromancy to the point of calling the BoE ‘zombie lovers’, i’m very worried about what’s going to happen to them in the future

[aihoshiino]

I‘m reading through Umineko atm and am at the last episode of the answers arc and that made me think a lot about ONK for some reason (or rather they‘re both occupying the same amount of brain space atm lol)

Super big fan of both and I still love ONK and many of its characters for what it tried to do, even if i really don’t enjoy the direction the ending is heading at the moment for many reasons, but one of them is the whole wrap up of the revenge-plot and Hikaru and Ai‘s relationship. I loved the 2(?) chapters where Aqua confronted Hikaru with Ai‘s timeless love letter, because it felt so human, their relationship and how deeply tragic and emotional it was but also very… real? So, to see the last few chapters flip-flop between „Kamiki is a really fascinating character with a lot of depth and deeply human“ to „He is just a mastermind manipulating liar and is just flat evil“ is really sad.

Hope it’s kinda understandable what I‘m getting at, english isn’t my first language so excuse any mistakes…

Maybe I’m just spoiled by how Umineko handled murder-mysteries and also tied those mysteries to its themes of love and relationships but, oh well.

ANON!!! I'M GRIPPING YOUR SHOULDERS!!!! THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING ALL THIS TIME!!!!!!

Obviously OnK even at its best doesn't quite reach the same heights as Umineko and even when the character drama and story are in their most well-realized forms, OnK's mystery is still kind of half baked lol. Which to be fairness to Akasaka, is a VERY different skillset than what he made his bread and butter doing but still. Very funny.

THAT SAID... I do think it's really fun to put Umineko and OnK in conversation with each other if only from a thematic/vibes perspective because I think they have some surprisingly similar things to say specifically about misogyny, autonomy and abuse. They were coming at it from very different directions, but they arrive at very similar places. "Lies are love" and "without love, it cannot be seen" aren't... not basically expressing the same sentiment after all.

Those similarities really do make it all the more disappointing where OnK ends up, though.

(Umineko spoilers behind the cut, as well as some trigger warnings; ROT13 filtered because the CWs themselves are also spoilers lol - traqre qlfcubevn, fhvpvqny vqrngvba, puvyq nohfr, cneragny vaprfg & pfn)

As much as I constantly joke about Ai of B-Komachi being Hoshino Ai's Beatrice, I think Hikaru is actually the most Sayocore character of Oshi no Ko which makes it so much more of a let down that OnK fumbles him like it does.

Like... Umineko lets you see Sayo at her absolute worst, the peak of her traumabrained depravity and nevertheless trusts that you will be able to look at her with love and empathize with her when the time comes and you start to see her heart. It treats her with such tender care, letting you excruciatingly understand every step she took down the path to finding the gold and blowing up the shrine until you realize that there really was no other way things could have gone for her. The environment of the Ushiromiya family is so incredibly poisonous and putrid that she was already one foot into suicidal ideation before she found out about her heritage and what Kinzo had done to her mother. Even if you can't agree with her actions, you can understand and sympathize with why she ends up taking them.

OnK... sort of seems like it's setting up to be doing this with Hikaru then takes a massive swerve?? It's bizarre. We even have an accidental parallel to EP8's "an accumulation of sins" moment during Ruby and Hikaru's first meeting where she fucking looks into the camera and is like "btw nobody is born ontologically evil, when people commit violent and antisocial acts their environments are almost always to blame" and that combined with how Aqua's first confrontation with him plays out and tbh the Movie Arc's characterization of Hikaru as a whole really makes it feel like the story wants you to see him as we're asked to see Sayo in Umineko - with love (read: empathy and an open mind).

But then ig it turns out he was, actually, ontologically evil and also has a serial killer cult??? So who even knows lol. What I wouldn't give to be able to pick Aka's brain for even 5 minutes as to wtf he even thought he was cooking with Hikaru in the end

[allllium]

Hi, Love! ❤️ It’s me again and I came here for Remus and his crazy people 🤪

As I have a birthday (age-should-not-be-named) maybe you could write something about celebrating the reader’s birthday?)

Speaking about the reader, she feels sad about the upcoming age (just because of the number, if you know what I mean) and she is a little bit harsh about it. So her boyfriend (Remus) decided to make a little cozy party with all close friends 😌 so they have fun 🥳

It may be a 18 celebration or they can be older, it’s up to you and your incredable imagination ❤️ I love your writing, so you’re free to everything you want 😉 especially your brilliant jokes 👌🏻

Sorry for bothering you 🥹 I just feel a little bit lonely at my day… my own marauder’s company lost in the time…

Birthday

~ I'm so sorry this took so long to get to, the writers block is real bad rn 😭 and also I apologize in advance but it ended up a little different than the request, if you want me to rewrite it closer to the ask I would be happy to, but either way I really hope you like and happy late birthday, I hope you had a wonderful time <3

~ WC:1,888 [Hurt/Comfort, Fluff]

~ Reader celebrates a birthday

“Good morning Angel!” You recognize your boyfriend's voice even as you dig your face further in the pillow to tune it out. “Happy birthday!”

“Let me sleep.” Of course Remus doesn't listen to your plea, opting for dragging you out of bed himself. “No no no.”

“Yes yes yes. C'mon love we've got to celebrate!” When you turn to face him, he looks genuinely excited to celebrate with you.

“Okay let's go.” You give him the best smile you can muster, not wanting to disrupt his excitement.

“Okay great!” He immediately grabs your wrist to drag you out of his dorm.

“Rem, wait, I need to get dressed first.” You laugh.

“I think you look fine like that.”

“I’m wearing pajamas and my hair is a mess.”

“Exactly my type.” You shake your head at him and turn to pull some clothes you've left in his dorm.

“Celebrating can wait a minute.” Or forever you think silently. It's not that you hate your birthday, you would rather just not have it. Why celebrate another year passing by that you'll never get back? Why celebrate another year closing to dying?

“Fine but only one minute, I'm counting.”

“Why are you in such a hurry?” You ask him once you're dressed.

“Because I love you, I want to show you how happy I am that you were born.” His words make you grin, he always knows how to make you feel better especially when he doesn't know he needs to. But why celebrate getting closer to the end of the time you have with him?

“You're a sweet talker Mr. Lupin.” You pull him down for a soft kiss before allowing him to pull you off to whatever he has planned.

“Okay, first hour picnic breakfast.” He tells you happily. Wait what?

“I'm sorry, did you just say the first hour? Did you plan this hour by hour?”

“Of course I did, my angel deserves nothing but the best.” You stop walking for a split second. Why does he care about this so much? It's not a miracle, or an unusual thing. It's just a birthday. All it means is that you're getting older, losing more time.

Remus notices your stillness, “C'mon, love, we have a full day ahead of us.”

“Alright on to hour Three.” Remus announces as you both clean up your picnic blanket.

“Well what's next?” You ask, a little reluctantly. Spending alone time with Remus is always amazing but you're a little worried about adding more people into the mix. Your anxiety about it has been low for now but you know it's gonna get worse.

“Next is my present for you.”

“Rem this is enough, you've already planned a whole day for me.”

“No it's not, I got you the perfect gift.”

“You are the perfect gift.”

“As flattering as that is, wrong.” He pulls up off the ground, and gives you a quick kiss. “Move it.”

“Woah being mean to me on my birthday.” You joke.

“You'll be fine, angel.” His smile makes the butterflies in your stomach erupt. Maybe a birthday isn't so bad if you have him with you.

“Hmm I want my present.”

“Then hurry up and we can go get it.”

“It's not my fault. You're so tall you walk a million miles an hour.”

“And it's not my fault you're so small you walk at a snail's pace.” You throw a hand over your heart dramatically

“How dare you, this is bullying.”

“No it's not, it's a fact. We're almost there anyway.”

“Where is there?”

“It's in my dorm.”

“No it's not, I looked.”

“And I hid it because I knew you'd do that.”

You sigh dramatically, “I would never.” You defend.

“You just admitted it!” He accuses.

“I did not! Let's go! Faster!”

“Oh so now I don't walk fast enough, make up your mind.”

“I will not. I shall continue to be indecisive.” He lets out a throaty chuckle at your statement.

“Oh you shall?” He questions, still laughing.

“Don't make fun of me, I'm being fancy.”

“You are a lot of things but fancy isn't one of them.”

“Hey, what does that mean!” You smack him lightly on his chest.

After a walk way longer than it should be, you finally reach his dorm and sit on the bed expectantly.

“Where's my present?” You immediately demand.

“Woah not even a please.” He jokes and stands in front of you.

“Well someone got my hopes up, this better be good Lupin.” He grins at you and orders you to close your eyes.

“This is too good of a hiding spot to give up.” He tells you.

After quite a few moments of shuffling happening behind you and quite a few “oh fucks” as your clumsy boyfriend unsurprisingly bumps into a couple things, a small box is placed gentle in your awaiting hands.

Your eyes fly open the second you feel the strange-feeling material in the palm of your hand. The first you notice is that the box is heart shaped with an engraving on the top, saying “My angel”

“Remus, this is amazing.” Without even opening it you already know this is the best gift you've ever received.

“You haven't even opened it yet, dove.” He sits on the bed beside you, putting his arm around your waist.

“Doesn't matter, I love it.”

“Open it, angel.”

Following his advice you open the heart-shaped box and immediately fall in love with him even more. In the box sits a simple charm bracelet, already adorned with three charms. All right next to each other is an angel charm, a heart charm, and a moon charm, all in that order.

“Do you like it?”

“Rem, I love it. This is the best thing ever.”

“I highly doubt that but I'm glad you love it.”

“Why did you do a moon and not a wolf for you?” You ask him, trying to distract yourself from the rush of emotions running through you.

“Well I was gonna but it looked very dog-like and Sirius said he was honored to be included.” He lets out a deep sigh of disapproval.

You can't help the laugh that bursts out, “Oh of course he did. Thank you Remus, really.”

“Well I would love anything you give me but this is incredible.”

“I couldn't give you anything but the best for this special day.” Special indeed.

“Welcome to hour five.” Remus declares while you enter the kitchens. After spending hour 3 and 4 in Remus’s dorm gushing over your new bracelet, and demanding his help in putting it on, he rushed you on to the event of hours 5 to 7. You are very curious as to why he pulled three hours out for this event.

He pulls you into the kitchens and you see the counters covered in enough ingredients to make a hundred cakes.

“What's this?”

“Well I wanted to make you a cake but realized I don't know how to make a cake without magic.” He looks down a little ashamed to be asking you to help make your own birthday cake.

“I believe this was a very smart choice, I wouldn't want you to burn down Hogwarts.” You grin at him.

“I'm sorry, I know I should've asked someone else first.”

“I'm glad you didn't, I like baking.” Despite the growing feeling in your stomach, his smile makes you smile.

After 3 hours of baking, 2 failed cakes, and 1 kitchen covered in cake ingredients that didn't seem to make it into the bowl, you and Remus have successfully acquired a birthday cake. It's not the prettiest and probably not the best tasting, but it's something you have created together and that's more than enough for you.

Hour 8, aka the final hour Remus has planned, is making you freak out. Despite preparing all day for this, the pit in your stomach has continued brewing and now feels too much to handle. As long as it's just you and Remus, alone, it doesn't feel like much of a birthday. Even with the cake and present, and Remus telling you happy birthday every two seconds, as if you'll forget, it feels natural. Not celebratory. Now, however, more people are getting involved.

You shouldn't be feeling this way. All of your closest friends getting together in the common room to celebrate your birthday should be exciting, not scary. Well it's not exactly scary, more of a feeling you can't seem to place.

You and Remus part ways for the first time of the day so you can get ready in your dorm. Once you're ready, you begin to head for the common room, hand freezing on the doorknob. Without thinking, you back up, taking a sitting place on the bed. You can feel the tears forming in your eyes for reasons you still can't understand.

As you sit there trying to cover your strange emotions, Remus comes into your dorm. Without saying a word he sits on the bed and gives you a hug.

“I'm sorry.” You tell him, knowing the effort he put into this perfect day.

“Whatever for love? This is your day, feel however you must.” He gives you a kiss on the forehead and slowly pulls away from the hug.

“I don't understand why I feel like this, it's just an age.” You try to explain. Luckily your amazing boyfriend knows you way too well.

“Because it's scary,” he begins to explain, far better than you did, “and it's new. I mean no one wants to get older but you gotta think of the upside.”

“And what would that be?”

“Well we get a little older, we leave school, we get married and get a ton of plants we'll never be able to keep alive.” He seems to have put a lot of thought into your future together. “Even though it feels like we're saying goodbye to a part of your life, we're also beginning a new part. One that we can form yo be whatever we want.”

“How do you always know just what to say?”

“I speak from my heart, most of it is nonsense.”

“Maybe but it always works. I love you.”

He smiles at you for the thousandth time today but it still gives you that funny feeling in your chest. “I love you too, angel. Ready to go celebrate?”

“Yeah I think so, thank you.”

“Anytime, love.”

And so you celebrate. A small party with all your friends and everyone you love. But for some reason you no longer have that pit in your stomach. You no longer feel the tears building as you blow out the candles on your perfectly imperfect cake. You no longer feel as if growing older is a curse you can't get out of.

You head back into Remus's dorm for bed. You can't help but keep your eyes stuck on the bracelet dangling off your wrist as you do your nightly routine. As you cuddle in bed next to Remus, you no longer want the day to be done with. Instead, wanting it to last forever as you talk and laugh with him. You no longer worry about the past and instead focus on the future. Now understanding there's still so much more you have to look forward to.

~ This is actually so relatable to me due to my anxiety, I was actually late to my last birthday party for this exact reason 😭 I hope everyone reading this knows that birthdays are a reason to celebrate, you have so much to look forward to as you age and I'm very glad you were born <3

[pink-sparkly-witch]

The One That Got Away - Chapter Eleven

Warnings: angst, language, fluff.

Word Count: 1.6k

Pairing: Firefighter!Dean Winchester x Female Reader

A/N: I didn’t have a beta for this, so all mistakes are mine.

You can catch up here!

 My Masterlist AO3    Ko-Fi

“Are you only here until your father goes, or are you back for good?” Dean asked, and Y/N bit her lip and furrowed her brow.

“It depends,” she finally responded.

“On what?”

“If you and I can be okay,” Y/N said, deciding complete honesty was the best way to handle this, and lifted her eyes to meet his. “I’m not expecting things to go back to how they were, De. Too much time has passed for that, but I’d like us to try to be friends again. But I also need to be completely honest and tell you I never got over you.”

“Y/N…”

“Please, just listen,” she begged, “you read my letter, and you know I had some unhealthy coping methods. I’ve only had one serious relationship since I left, which ended when I turned down his proposal three years ago. He told me that he loved me, but I was emotionally unavailable, and he couldn’t stay with someone who couldn’t love him the way he loved them,” Y/N explained.

“When I finally started dating again after that, I always sabotaged it before it could get serious. That was when I knew I would never let anyone in the way I did you, and I’d never get over you. I understand this is a lot, and I get that you might not feel the same, but if you want to try and be us again, awesome. If you want to try and be friends again, great,” she paused and took a deep breath, licked her lips before speaking again. “But if you don’t want me here… if me being here hurts you, and we can’t fix things between us, I can’t stay because I can’t be this close to you and not be part of your life. It’ll kill me.”

There it was. Everything Y/N needed him to know before they made any decisions on their future. This was where her heart lay, shield and armour down, vulnerability showing as she laid her cards on the table and bared her soul to him.

Now it was his turn.

“Y/N, I…” Dean began, grabbing her hands and smiling softly as her watery eyes found his. “I never stopped loving you. I tried to move on, but I couldn’t. None of them would be you. Not even close. Every day since you left, I have regretted not asking you to stay or coming with you. Even now, having read your letter and knowing it was the best thing for us, I still regret it. I hate that making that decision meant I couldn’t comfort you after the nightmares or stop you from drinking away your pain. The sex thing? Well, I’m just pissed that I missed out on what sounds like it could’ve been some kinky shit!” Dean joked, chuckling as Y/N threw her head back with laughter.

“But,” he continued, “seeing you now, your smile reaching your eyes, the constant pain and sadness in them gone, and the confidence you’ve gained. It makes me realise that as much as I will always hate myself for letting you leave… letting you go… it was the right thing to do because you and I wouldn’t be where we are. You…”

Dean swallowed hard, hating even the thought of what could’ve been. “You would be living your life completely in my shadow, or I would be in prison, and you probably wouldn’t be here at all,” Dean said, wiping away the tears falling down his cheeks.

“I know, Dean,” Y/N smiled sadly. “It broke my heart, and I won’t pretend otherwise, but it was the right thing for us to do. Please forgive yourself for that. I do. We needed to grow on our own. I had to learn to protect myself and not rely on you to fight my battles. I had to learn to take care of myself for once, to put myself first and fix myself. I might have taken the wrong path once or twice, but I righted myself and am incredibly proud of who I’ve become.”

“Seeing you at the hospital and tonight, I love who you’ve become, and I can’t wait to get to know her better. I would be honoured if, once I’m fully healed, you’ll let me take you out to dinner so I can continue to get to know you again,” Dean smiled, anxiously awaiting her response.

“I’d like that,” Y/N smiled bashfully.

“Just so we’re clear, I mean as a date,” Dean grinned.

“A date?” she questioned, “Dean, are you sure?”

“Yeah, I am, Princess. I meant it when I said I never stopped loving you. You’re still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and I wanna get to know you again. Try us again. So… what d’ya say? A fresh start?” Dean grinned at her bashful giggle before she lowered her eyes and looked at him through her lashes. His breath caught in his throat as he was taken back to their teenage years when she looked at him like that often.

“A fresh start would be perfect,” Y/N smiled as Dean’s face broke into a joyous grin.

“But,” she continued, and Dean’s smile faded slightly. “I think this has probably been enough excitement for you on your first night out of the hospital, so I’m gonna go home and let you rest,” Y/N smiled softly.

“Come on, sweetheart! I just got you back,” Dean protested, and she chuckled.

“Dean, you look like you’re gonna fall asleep in your seat!” Y/N reached her hand out to cup his cheek and smiled fondly as he leaned into her touch and closed his eyes.

“You’ve got my number now. You can call or text me anytime. I’m heading into four night shifts, so please don’t think I’m ignoring you if I don’t reply right away.”

Dean nodded in appreciation that she’d thought to tell him that. If he had texted or called her and she didn’t answer, he would overthink everything and convince himself that she’d changed her mind about starting over.

“Alright, you win,” he pulled back reluctantly. “I’ll call you in a few days, and maybe we can arrange that date?” Dean smirked, and she giggled.

“I thought we were waiting for you to be fully healed?” Y/N teased.

“Oh, trust me, sweetheart, I will be,” Dean replied.

“Still cocky, I see,” Y/N smirked and leaned forward, kissing Dean's cheek. Standing from the chair, she put her jacket on and slung her purse over her shoulder. 

“No, don’t get up,” she protested as he moved to stand. “I can see myself out.”

“You will not. I’m walking you out,” Dean grunted as he stood, the pain in his chest throbbing after sitting idle for so long. One glance at Y/N had him roll his eyes at the ‘I told you so’ look on her face.

“Look, I was gonna have to get up anyway to lock the door behind you and go to bed. I might as well do it now and make sure you get to your car okay at the same time.” Dean opened the door for her and leaned against it.

“I suppose I can’t argue with that, can I?” Y/N chuckled.

“Nope,” Dean said, popping the p.

“Goodnight, Captain Winchester.”

“Goodnight, Nurse Singer.”

The next few weeks passed in the blink of an eye. To everyone’s surprise, Dean had done what the doctor told him and taken it easy until Dr Clark cleared him to return to work. Bobby had put him on light duties on his first shift back, which he’d hated at first, but about sixteen hours into a twenty-four-hour shift, he was grateful that he had it that little bit easier after being out of the game for four weeks.

Y/N had adjusted to life back in Lawrence well. She was in a good routine with work and had stopped taking as many overtime shifts as she had when she first came back. She filled her days off, reconnecting with family and friends and making plans with the new friends she’d made since her return.

They’d kept in regular contact, texting and calling every day. She’d been to his place a few more times in the past few weeks, always, she insisted, to help him around the house or to make sure he ate a decent home-cooked meal. Dean didn’t complain because he got to spend all this extra time with her.

Y/N’s impromptu visits were filled with remembering the old days and catching up with everything that had been and gone since they’d last seen each other. Their disastrous dating lives had them in tears of laughter, and the stories of her time before therapy had them in tears of despair.

They knew these conversations needed to be had, and if Y/N was honest, she’d much rather they have them before they tried their fresh start. If they waited until they were officially dating before having the difficult conversations and Dean changed his mind about wanting a second chance, wanting her, she knew she wouldn’t survive his rejection.

After several heart-to-heart conversations and everything Y/N had gone through in her first few years in Chicago aired to Dean, the relief she felt that he still wanted to go on a date with her took her by surprise. It made her realise just how much he, and this second chance, truly meant to her.

It was overwhelming because her entire future depended on things working out between them. Y/N meant what she said, if Dean didn’t want her, she couldn’t stay in Lawrence, not even as his friend, because it would kill her. There would always be doors open for her in Chicago, and she knew that, but she was done running.

Next Chapter >>

Tags: @acitygrownwillow @akshi8278 @ashbatz @candy-coated-misery0731 @chriszgirl92 @deans-baby-momma @deans-spinster-witch @deansbbyx @deanwanddamons @duncanhillscoffeecups @foxyjwls007 @giggles1026 @globetrotter28 @hobby27 @hoboal87 @impala67rollingthroughtown @iprobablyshipit91 @jackles010378 @jamerlynn @jc-winchester @k-slla @kazsrm67 @kmc1989 @lacilou @ladysparkles78 @leigh70 @lyarr24 @maliburenee @michecolegate @mrsjenniferwinchester @nancymcl @negans-lucille-tblr @nelachu2423 @octoberclidan @perpetualabsurdity @roseblue373 @sandlee44 @sexyvixen7 @snackles87 @spnbaby-67 @spnwoman @stixnstripesworld @stoneyggirl2 @suckitands33 @synmorite @tristanrosspada-ackles @twinkleinadiamondsky @waters-2567

[rc-writes]

Hello!!!

I just read your Ethan Morgan Drabble and it was so freaking adorable. It’s so nice to see people writing for MBV as I love that show so much.

I was wondering if I can request an idea? I don’t know if you write this type of stuff but if you do then can you please write some fluffy Dad!Ethan Morgan or Dad!Benny Weir scenario (i dont know why but they both give goofy sad vibes if they were parents)

If you don’t write that sort of thing that can you write Ethan Morgan x reader, where he has to take care of his sick significant other

Thank you again!!!

𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐤

𝙢𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙨 | 𝙩𝙖𝙜𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙢

pairings: ethan morgan x reader

warnings: nothing besides the reader being sick i believe

a/n: i'm glad you loved my other ethan fic! and i agree that's its so cool to see people still writing for this show. our fandom may be small but it lives on lol. and i decided to go with the sick reader request (wasn't sure if you wanted it to be hcs or an imagine so i just went with hcs because i've been wanting to write more of those) but completely agree see either of the two with kids would be both incredibly cute/funny! anyways, i hope you like the hcs!!

ethan had texted you earlier that day asking if you wanted to go see the newest zombie movie 

which on any other day you would’ve jumped at the chance to spend the entire day with your boyfriend

but today you woke up feeling like you were the zombie

but you decided against telling ethan that in fear of him going overboard

you loved that he cared but sometimes he was a but much

last time you were sick he convinced himself you must have been cursed by the monster of the week

so you opted to just tell him that you were just a bit too tired to go anywhere

which wasn’t technically a lie

you did just sleep past noon and hadn’t gotten out of bed yet

ethan was a kinda disappointed that you didn’t want to go be he understood wanting to do nothing

saving the world would take a toll on anyone

when ethan replied that he understood you’re worry of making him worry went away

unbeknownst he did still worry

you didn’t even realize in your dazed state that you responded rather deadpan-y

usually you’d crack a joke about how tiring saving the world was, or something along those lines

not just “sorry i’m just a bit too tired today :(“

ethan immediately got a feeling that there was more to the story, so he planned to go to your house and seeing you in person

curse him and his caring nature

the jig was up the moment you opened the door wearing a haphazardly thrown on robe, hair a mess, and bags under your eyes

“ethan, what are you doing here?” 

sneeze #1

“i came to see if you were alright, which you don’t seem to be”

“don’t be silly i am-” sneeze #2 “alright”

he did not believe you for a second

even if he did the multiple sneezes gave it away

let caretaker ethan mode begin

don’t even think about getting off the couch any time soon

he will insist of getting anything and everything for you

want to change the channel? he will get up and get it for you even if you’re closer

getting kinda cold?

immediately throws the biggest blanket he can find on you

need a snack?

don’t worry he spread out a million different things he found in your cabinets the moment he set foot in your house

which at first he tried to find only healthy types of snacks but your sad pleading eyes convinced him to just grab everything

“you can’t eat only oreos all day”

“but they make me feel better” *sad eyes intensify*

“okay fine”

will make it his duty to find every tissue box in the vicinity and stack them up within arms reach

“i don’t think i’ll need that many”

“it’s just in case”

besides the many snacks laid out be prepared to be eating many bowls of soap

i don’t think ethan knows how to properly cook so it's mostly likely from a can

not that you’re complaining, the hot soap makes your throat not feel as scratchy

he’d probably call up benny at least once

“what’s up dude!?”

“is your grandma home?”

“you want to talk to grandma??”

as much of a good friend benny is he isn’t exactly the best at spells or potion making

so he was hoping grandma weir could stir something up that could make you feel better

and grandma weir loved you so of course she does

best she can do on such short notice is make a little home remedy that clears your nasal cavity for a few hours

you take it as if she offered you gold

“i can breathe again!”

“why didn’t you tell me you couldn’t before!?”

“i was just exaggerating a bit e”

“oh” you tell him that he worries too much

but you mean the world to him, how could he not worry?

you two would spend the rest of the day binge watching random movies

eventually you’d fall asleep on ethan’s shoulder

he’s a bit upset that you fell asleep during his favorite part of the movie

but he’s more than happy to see you finally sleeping peacefully

he falls asleep not much later

thankfully for you both you woke up the next morning feeling much better

and you about to cheer for joy when ethan suddenly starts sneezing

guess it’s his turn to be sick

oops

[so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed]

2024 writing self evaluation

1. List of works published this year:

In order of posting, these are the 10 fics I published:

January: and right from the start

April: and so I have to say (before I go)

July: I'd rather you (hold me)

August: home with you

September: something told me it was you, 'til I let go of this moment, and in those rare moments, circling the truth October: on the threshold of eternity

November: I've drowned and dreamt this moment

I've published 74,813 words this year, and I have written 66,768 words this year.

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

That has to be my @onedirectionbigbang that I worked on with @whatagreatproblemtohave [who is my artist again for next year, I am so excited!!]. I really struggled with this fic but I managed to get it done and published, and the art is incredible.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

Somehow also the same fic, just because it was a struggle to write and I'm still remembering that struggle too well to really reread the fic and be proud of it. But I'm sure that moment will come!

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

“I’m so sorry about your penis.”

Zayn regrets the words the moment they come out of his mouth and he makes a strangled noise, gulping down the one beer that he’s allowing himself to have, because they came in third for the team final and he’s supposed to celebrate. He’s told himself that he would approach Liam if he’d medaled, but even though the bronze is an amazing feat and he should be over the moon - nevermind that he will always nitpick and wonder why they hadn’t been able to clinch the gold instead - he just feels sad at the thought that Liam’s Olympic dream is over, just like that.

Liam raises an eyebrow, snorts into his own cup. “At least I made headlines,” he says, and Zayn lifts his head to look at him, because he sounds light but there’s pain in his eyes. “Pole vaulter’s Olympic dream shattered by his own penis.”

Zayn wants to giggle, not at the joke but because there’s something nervous bubbling up in his stomach that he can’t swallow down. He doesn’t think it will make Liam feel any better though. Might make him think he’s making fun of him, which is the last thing he wants. “It’s shit,” he offers, and Liam gives him a faint sort of smile.

“It is. I’m sure I’ll be able to laugh at it at some point, but-” he shrugs a shoulder, “it’s sort of humiliating, isn’t it? Aside from the fact that I literally cockblocked my chances of a medal, and it’s another four years until I can redeem myself, it’s also a pretty shitty feeling that everyone is talking about my penis.”

Zayn cringes. “I’m so sorry,” he says quietly. “I wasn’t gonna like, say it like that. I just-” he thinks of the bronze, of the applause and the way he’d felt this afternoon. Of how on top of the world he’d been, full of confidence for his individual events. “I know how much it sucks, and I just wanted to offer like, I don’t know.”

“Your condolences?”

Zayn hums. “You know I tore my ACL in my first Olympics. I mean, maybe you don’t know, you weren’t there in Rio. I just mean, I know what it’s like to have your dream within reach, and then it’s just taken away, because your body betrays you.”

Liam’s face softens, a slight dusting of rose on his cheeks. “Sorry,” he says quietly, “I shouldn’t have assumed that you meant to poke fun at me. No one even has, today. They’ve all been perfectly nice. So bloody nice that I can’t stand it, actually.”

“I could take you to see Louis,” Zayn suggests, and that prompts a laugh.

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

After October, when everything was dark, a few people reread one of my all time favourite fics. This review was left on it, and it hit me so incredibly hard, but it also reminds me why I will keep writing:

And I know what happened in October is so not the same thing as this story, but it felt so eerily close that I couldn’t help but sit in that dream where someone DID do something, and the 2024 imagined here turned out to be a bit closer to reality. Man, I don’t even know. For a few hours I got to believe that what was permanently destroyed could be rebuilt again. 

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

Honestly, this entire year. I've had months where I wasn't able to write, which barely happened last year. I wrote 50,000 words less than last year, and in June/July my personal life kicked me in the balls so hard that I was just done. I really wanted to give up on writing, but @lululawrence convinced me to give wordplay one more go. Thank you my darling, I am so grateful.

Then, of course, we all know what happened in October. I texted a friend of mine about it, saying I wasn't sure I'd be able to write. Their response was something along the lines of, we weren't able to help him in real life, but we are able to give him happier lives and endings in our stories. It's what I intend to do.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

I don't actually remember, but I do remember that I left some comments on my own docs that were essentially just '????' and 'I didn't plan this'.

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

I think I mainly grew in my judgment of myself, in the sense that I didn't feel like I had to write when I truly wasn't able to. I put less pressure on myself this year, and though the amount of fics I published and the amount of hits/kudos/comments I received have definitely gotten less than last year (it's about 30% of last year), I've learned to care less about it. At the end of the day, I write for me, and I write for those few that take something from it, that might feel comforted by my words or that learn something from it about themselves.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

At this point, I just hope to keep writing and keep enjoying writing.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

In the past few weeks @evilovesyou has been invaluable, we've plotted out some fics together which has helped me a lot in being able to make the most of my limited writing time. @lululawrence, as I've said before, helped me to keep writing. And I would be remiss if I didn't mention my lovely @beardyboyzx who is the best sounding board ever.

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

I'm actually not entirely sure!

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

It's okay to take breaks. It's okay if writing is hard and it's not for you right now. While it can be a relaxing thing, something you do in your down time, it's still not the same as taking a break, and sometimes you just need time off from doing anything productive.

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

I'm currently working on my @zaynsalbumsficfest which is due far too soon. And I'm about 10k into my @onedirectionbigbang which I'm very excited about, because ya girl is back on her fantasy worlds kick!

14. Tag three writers whose answers you’d like to read. ;)

I love everyone who wants to do this, so please feel free to say that I've tagged you even if I haven't. But I will tag @reminiscingintherain @beardyboyzx @voulezloux and @lululawrence

[feverdreamsandlucidnightmares]

Okay, these are some of my opinions after finishing both Trigun 98 and Trigun Stampede:

Tri98 Vash’s pervier moments were annoying and I liked Tristamp Vash better in that regard. Not bashing, it’s just not for me. My biggest complaint with this is in ep. 6 with Elizabeth and the otherwise very sad backstory reveal for both of them. I feel like having Vash follow her like a dog for most of the episode kind of took away from that, but whatever.

Tristamp Wolfwood is openly a bastard. He knows it, I know it, you know it, etc. Tri98 Wolfwood is also a bastard, but he’s a charming bastard - or at least trying to be.

Getting to see an/the origin of Derringer Meryl in Tristamp is heartbreaking and wonderful. Seeing Tri98 do her cape flare of derringers was deranged and so fun.

Both Wolfwood’s early introductions being strangers saying that he’s a well prepared dead man (“That is one heck of a well prepared dead guy.” in Tri98 and “He’s not long for this world” “At least he’s prepared - the dead man’s got his own tombstone.” in Tristamp) is killing me (and it’s very on the nose…mean).

It’s interesting that Gosef is much more person-sized, but otherwise unchanged in Tristamp. I want to see what they do with Gray the Ninelives.

I do like the slow reveal of Vash’s prosthetic and it’s gun in Tri98.

Wolfwood’s confessional is ridiculous, 10/10, love that he always immediately tries to con people, good for him.

Meryl takes soooo long to accept that Vash is actually Vash in Tri98 and even though it made me impatient I get it. She suffers all the time lmao.

Tristamp Zazie is so much more interesting to me. More fleshed out motivations, cooler design, more gender, some body horror eldritch being vibes, just a lot more fun for me as a viewer.

However, I generally liked the Gung-Ho-Guns and Tristamp barely had them at all. Also, I expected to see Midvalley more ngl, with how much I’ve seen people talk about him.

Legato my beloathed. He’s more interesting in Tri98, but he’s pretty flat and unsympathetic in Tristamp so far. Maybe we’ll get more of his manga backstory in season 2. He’s such a good antagonist and I’m fucked up about it.

Millions Knives is a good antagonist in both versions, but Tri98 builds up this mysterious mastermind persona while Tristamp makes him more immediately sympathetic and humanizes his motivations to an extent while also firmly establishing him as an incredibly violent, single-minded character. It’s made clear so much earlier what drives him. Still very fucked up solution and execution, but that’s the point.

Millywood shippers: I get it

Vashwood shippers: I also get it

Meryl is still forever and always aroace to me, but I get Vashmeryl to an extent and wish you all the best in your shipping endeavors.

Honestly all four of them are very shippable in a lot of different ways, so good for them.

I liked Milly a lot as a character, love her dynamic with Wolfwood.

They all feel so fucking young in Tristamp. I know I’ve joked that Roberto unexpectedly got custody of three college students, but they’re so baby. Tri98 has Wolfwood and Meryl in their mid-to-late twenties, they’re more experienced and you can tell.

And now, by the power vested in me by finishing both series, I am going to talk my shit once again.

[compassionatereminders]

So I had a discussion with my dad a couple days ago about how some of my behaviors reflect symptoms of complex PTSD. For context, my dad has been extremely verbally abusive to me basically until COVID when my mom was home all the time and he couldn’t yell at me without her telling him to cut that shit out. He still loses his cool sometimes, either directed at me, my brother, or my mom. My mom had an incredibly traumatic (in many ways but primarily physically) childhood. She does not do this.

I hypothesized that I must have inherited these C-PTSD adjacent behaviors from my mom because I haven’t experienced trauma. I said this in part to gauge whether my dad would recognize that I have been through traumatic things — not even necessarily because of him, some of it is from being severely bullied and ostracized at school because I’m autistic. He agreed with my lie that I hadn’t ever experienced anything traumatic, and then started to complain about my mom being “overprotective” of me as a child. At some point I managed to bring up that I had gone through a lot of stuff in my childhood that’s scarred me for life, and he pretty much went “well yeah but you weren’t physically abused so you haven’t experienced trauma.” Which…no. Not how that works.

I moved on from that but my dad kept saying “this is such a productive conversation why don’t I have these kinds of conversations with you more often.” He at one point said something that made me tell him, “I’m not qualified to talk about this, you need a therapist or someone with a degree in psychology.” This made him go “nooooo why are you making this conversation go sideways why are you making this difficult we were having a PRODUCTIVE conversation why would you ruin it like this :(((( I can’t talk to you about anything”, which is not an uncommon response for him to have but just very annoying.

The worst part, though, and what I primarily wanted to tell you about, was when I confronted him about him, during a fight in January, yelling at my mom that she was just like her abuser. I’d asked my mom if she was okay with him saying that and she told me “oh he says that a lot but when he does he’s always drunk so I don’t let it get to me.” My dad justified his actions by informing me that, quote, “your mom was actually being really mean to me when I said that.” I couldn’t tell if he was joking or being serious and something about that made me so sad I started to cry. He didn’t respond well to that. Previously he’d complained about my mom “freaking out whenever I raise my voice at her,” which, yeah! She was verbally abused as a child! I told my mom about this later and she was like “well he says things like that sometimes, try not to pay attention to them.” I had talked with my mom’s best friend about incidents like this previously and she’d mentioned that my mom has a really high tolerance for emotional abuse and basically any kind of abuse that isn’t physical.

And I just think that’s so sad. I wish my dad would not be…like that. He’s a walking collection of red flags and I want better for my mom. I can’t put my feelings about this shit into words other than “it’s sad.” Because it is sad and I think my dad really has to do some self reflection but I’m not helping with that shit. He has to work through his issues by himself because I am not a licensed therapist. I’m literally a teenager. I shouldn’t have to be dealing with this stuff and it’s frustrating to be around my father most of the time. I think it’s very sad for him too because he’s fucked up his relationship with me specifically so so so bad. Your kid should feel safe around you, but I can’t feel safe around my dad. And that’s just sad.

Anyway sorry I had to tell someone about the “she was actually being really mean to me before I screamed at her and compared her to her abuser” comment because what the fuck. That’s a wild ass thing to say right? Like, there’s no justifying that. The justification made it so much worse imo.

His behavior towards you and your mom is unacceptable and unfair, and I'm sorry you've had to grow up in such an environment. That being said, attempting to have a constructive conversation about abuse and trauma with a long term abuser is rarely particularly productive, and you might get further by avoiding direct confrontations with him when that's possible than by actively trying to confront him with his abuse. At least until you can get out of there ❤️