#* to say there was No One during this period of my life would be inaccurate

[monster-noises]

Alright sure fine

I'll link several emotions together in one post and leave it there hows that.

This is one of those times where I was very charged up earlier today but the moments kinda passed so now my thoughts and feelings aren't as fine-edged-sharp and crystal clear, but I still think I should try and get this out of my body for a bit..

So you'll have to pardon the fact that i'll be sifting through the muck and it may not be the smoothest most eloquent read. Not that you have to read this, I mostly just need to expunge my bile into the void where someone could theoretically see it. A little fun trick I like to play on my brain that actually usually works.

In case you were wondering why i post so bare faced about my emotions so often.....

Regardless I.. hm.

Well, perhaps it is best to just cut right to it. One of the its at least.

Something I've been dealing with, for a very long time, but extra... Pointedly of late, is this feeling that's been hard to express without most probably deeply insulting my friends.

But I think i've routed it out into a shape that.. covers the emotion and also Doesn't Do That.

And it's like.. I wish. Mm. I wish I knew How To Feel Cared About?

Because I don't. And not knowing what that's Supposed to feel like makes it really hard in this part of my life I'm in to tell if the problem is me not Receiving Love and Care properly when it is entirely present in my life, or if there really is problem and I am right to feel like my social needs are not being met even if I know Practically that my friends all Do love and care about me.

It was an easy feeling to calculate when i didn't really have friends, like obviously i don't feel cared for, i've got (almost*)no one caring about me! But I Have friends now, good friends, great friends, best friends!

And yet. I'm. As lonely and isolated as I've ever been. Constantly plagued by a hollow feeling of.. Missing Something, of simply being Empty and Cold

And is that me? Is that my fault? Am I just not Processing or feeling things correctly? Have I wiggled myself into a social role that says 'hey haha! You don't Have to think of me it's cool!'?? Is it on me for being too quiet? But if I speak up I'll be too much! I know I Also don't reach out much (which is the damn rub of the whole thing, I'll get there in a bit...) but I also feel so often... Unimportant, background, special but not special Enough for anyone to keep me abreast of what happens in their lives. And it's all my fault and I'm gross and cruel for feeling this way.

Which is why i feel safer posting about it on tumblr instead of speaking to my friends about it.

Because it's a Huge Problem but also it's not their problem it's my problem I couldn't possibly ask anything of them they do so much already, I mean they're my friends and I know they love me and Sometimes we hang out and that should be more than enough right????? RIGHT?????? shouldn't I feel good and satisfied from that????

Shouldn't that cover my social and emotional needs? Even if I go most days of the week without talking to anyone so any contact I eventually get feels like i'm desperately coming up for a few brief gasping seconds of air? Even though I spend an unreasonable amount of time paralyzed by the yawning ache in my heart for Contact Please Someone Come Sit With Me And Listen To Me And Care! Isn't that my own fault? Isn't that on me for ignorning how much my friend's Do care about me and show it, because I haven't said anything in all that time either right!? They're busy! We're all adults and it's hard to find time and energy to reach out and be social, everyone has a million things going on all the time so like really sometimes I should be the one reaching out but in that same vein; is that my place? I don't want to bother them.. to intrude when it's not my Alotted Time. Wouldn't it be more appropriate and respectful to their time and energy to not demand they spend it on You? To speak only when spoken to and be Chill and Cool And Needless even when you're Screaming Screaming Screaming for someone to hear you

Not even to vent, though my struggle to be vulnerable directly to people's faces continues to be a large impassable aspect of this issue, but just be seen and heard and taken an interest in. I'm always there to Hear, to listen to and offer insight toward, to witness and to be Audience but so rarely feel like I can Show or be Watched in turn. But is that even true? My friend's do Know what I like don't they? They'll listen, they have listened, I'm sure they have.. but I still feel like I have to hide it, protect it, patience for me is limited and I have to spend it wisely, like they don't need that they don't want to hear it. (Would it suprise you to know i've been told this directly more than once by different people?)

And what do I even Want? Then? If "my needs are not being met"? (We have gotten back to it) Because goodness knows i am also prey to the aforementioned limited time and energy, I already loose so much of my art to work and the daily maintenance of being Alive, do I want people coming in More Often to take that time now too? Even texts! Even texts can take so much of something so limited and precious to me.. what matters more being social or my lifes true passion? What a horrendous question to have to ask. To choose one core need but smother the other. What a curse, and I can see myself, still, choosing art far more often, against my my own more desperate needs. Even if I so very badly want to go out and absorb the world with my friends I need to be with my art instead, perhaps to me detriment.

Ultimately, I guess, I want to feel like people are there. Even when they aren't. Human Object Permanence of some kind. And yeah, maybe getting more time with people, whether the cost of that time is solved or not I just want Contact, regular Contact two-way Contact. But is this all on me to start feeling what my friend's are already doing? Or should I reach out and ask for more? I don't know! I could not tell you!

Over and over and over these same two feelings in different skins smashing over me, crashing so loud I can't get my own words in; I Do Not Feel Cared About - Do You Know What Being Cared About Feels Like

And then god.. the further questions that spiral out and out and out from here.. is this vacuous hole I feel, this unfulfillment socially, the reason I hurt so much for romance? Because it feels so much like the most direct route to being Known and ensuring at least one person thinks of me as Immutably Important (would my friend's not already say I am that to them? Would they not be hurt by the implication that I think they don't feel this way? Why does the thought of that only make me feel worse, more guilt ridden, and not stronger in the feeling that they care? Why do I only have one reaction to Everything; to bury myself in guilt and shame) Should this idea deter me from seeking romance at all? Like sort this out before I go after that kind of relationship? Perhaps that would be wise.. but trying to put down that desire, to focus on being single and engaging exclusively in the intimately platonic, feel like a lie? Feel like a cover up? Like i've pulled out an organ and set it on the table and am trying to ignore like I didn't just pull it out of myself? I feel I have reached to feverish a pitch of being without a partner, I can't Not at least try and find someone. The yearning is simply too great, to loud, to hot. If I ignore it I risk being swallowed up in it completely.

But why? One person can't solve all my problems or meet all my needs and the needs I need met are all part of the earlier problems mentioned that do not specifically need to be met by a romantic partner to Be met?? So why bother going for romance at all??

Can I not just.. want it? Can that not be reason enough? I know I am comfortable engaging just as intimately as I would with a partner with a friend, but there is a tangible difference in Intent and I want That Difference. Even if there is no answer to the logic behind it. But still would it make a difference? Do you think having a specific kind of relationship will magically make you know what feeling cared for Feels Like? ....

I mean I used to not know what sexual atteaction felt like and then one video game man appeared and Boom suddenly I Did so like......... It's Possible.

Okay Perhaps, but like it's still not the most likely that it's just going to go away because now there's a Boy around to Kiss, in fact knowing me it may get Worse, even, so like what? Like what???? We also can't keep going on just Yearning like this. It hurts so much to feel this lonely.

(Valentines is in 3 days and I have the worst sinking feeling that it's going to be very tough this year)

Not that it really matters anyway because no one has expressed interest in me, everyone I've met on dating apps, and note; it's Not very many people, has either ghosted me, I've ghosted them (not usually on purpose) or we've miraculously stayed in contact but slipped right into just being Pals and Friends. No one has reached out with anything resembling explicit romantic interest, and it really doesn't feel like they're ever going to. And I know I should ditch the apps and go out and Participate, but When I ask you, same as before, what Time do I have? And where do I Go? i've tried to find events in my city that I would fit into, and they either don't exsist or exsist only at times and price ranges completely inaccessible to me. Not to mention events I Have gone to have ended in me passing through not talking to anyone because I'm just not good at introcutory conversations, rarely do I have anything to say, and I really only feel comfortable engaging when approached, It feels presumptuous and creepy to do the approaching.. which sounds, I imagine, an eerily familiar echo of earlier points. And so I'm stuck. I cannot win. I feel unable to act or take control and so I sit in silence and the hole inside me gets bigger and I feel less and less like a person everyday.

Fundamentally I'm at odds with myself.

I have all these wants and needs and desires that feel unfulfilled but do not believe I can or should need to ask for them (because they aren't 'unfulfilled', not because people should just ~know~ they are there). And so I cannot make myself believe they are even real, or at least that they are unfullfilled, and that it's simply me being obstinant and slefishly blind.

I understand I am not an Undesireable person per say, I am Niche and that's fine, but I feel undeniably that I am still not a person who Is/Can Be Desired, and that's a different thing entirely from being desireable.

There are no primary and secondary "characters" in real life, and while there are certain forms of 'social heirarchy' that are kinda real i am not Fundamentally and Automatically ""below"" everyone around me either by my being who i am or some kind of weird illogical ~noble choice~, but it still feels wrong of me to be forward, like I'm being cruel and controlling and dominating by speaking about myself in any capacity, or asking for things or speaking first, to dare to take on any roll that does not feel not... submissive but subjucative, as if Apologising for existing by exsisting as little as possible, by only exsisting when it is permissible for me to exsist, when I have been told it is okay, to never insert myself unannounced. (Which, as I shockingly have not mentioned yet, is completely counterproductive to my cause as it creates, from the outside, this image that I, maybe, don't care. Or at least I care but I do not Need that much. I imagine I'm read less as a loyal hound awaiting instruction, and more an aloof cat that needs to coaxed from his hiding place)

There is no point to close this off. No turn around epiphany of my hope for healing or what to do. There's maybe a quiet desperate cry for help and instruction, and a whispered hope that I haven't gravely insulted my friends who read through this. I know you all do love and care about me, and I'm sorry I struggle to receive that. I love and care about you too, and hope that you're able to recieve it in full.

But there's no big grand ending here with some optimistic bend. Just me alone in my bedroom at 2:17am, tangled up in knots, not really knowing what to do about anything at all.

[maple-pies]

AFTG from a D1 perspective

As a D1 athlete from a sport where men and women practice and compete together (thought we are separate teams) here are my thoughts ;)

Whenever the Foxes travel and stay in hotels they have to share rooms (but if Wymack is going to drop the $$ for shower stalls they def don't have to share beds like my team does) but I wonder if they randomize the rooms?? lots of potential there...

(however, USC?? They're big enough that I can def seeing them have to share beds hahahaha)

training trip? do they go on training trip Nora I need to know! Lacrosse sometimes does, so maybe exy would idk... (they go to Florida or PR, Kevin gets hella burnt and Neil gets freckles end of story)

Lift?? They have to be lifting!! I know Aaron and Andrew are really into it and Nicky and Allison fight over the aux

there are days where everyone gets along (even people who hate each other) and there are days where everyones HATES each other (even the people who are best friends) it just happens

men are always puking during practice. Aaron personally gives me big barf boy energy (Nicky canonically yaks already lol)

periods. Having men and women practice together means the women don't GAF about talking about periods while the men stare at their shoes and pretend not to hear hahahha

Abby definitely gets pissed at Wymack and lift coach (they have to have one okay??) for working the foxes too hard, it's the trainer's job to get pissed at coaches okay

just NCAA violations in general. We have to do quizzes and shit to show we know the rules we can't break/rules the school and coach have to follow. (I could make a whole separate post about all the NCAA violations broken haha)

this is no way saying aftg is inaccurate, it just means they didn't ever get caught which checks out

speaking of which, whenever Aaron get's pissed he definitely is like "And we went over 20 hours last week!! I could just report them!!" to Katelyn and she calms him down

Interactions with other teams/greek life. I know there have to be some mixers/athlete events, if not the Foxes then the Trojans for sure.

complaining about dining hall food, I know Kevin's pissed about seed oils or lack of protein, something stupid like that

hookups within the team. okay the Foxes are small, but that just makes it more messy. the trojans have insane teamcest I just know it. (being coed means even more hookups than normal) . cute relationship sex, hate sex, random sex between people you would not believe (i def don't know this from first hand experience what....)

I'm so excited for TSC because we get so see how a "normal" Exy team behaves (I put normal in quotations bc ppl need to understand that D1 athletes, esp ones on a team as good as USC, are definitely not normal people ahahha)

this is definitely just part 1

[championari]

Alright. I said I would write this and I’m gonna stay true to my word.

I’ve been seeing a lot of takes since The Giggle has come out questioning the potency of 14’s ending. People have been citing multiple different times during the reboot era where the Doctor has “settled down” somewhere, from Darillium, the university in S10, to even Trenzalore. However, I think all of these comparisons are apples to oranges, completely missing the details of each instance and how The Giggle’s ending rebukes all of them. 

So, because I cannot leave an inaccurate take alone, I’m going through every single one of these instances and explain why 14’s ending is different from them, in chronological order.

I’m gonna start with a weird one: S7EP4, The Power of Three. Because it provides a good example of all the things we’re going to be talking about. 

Prior to this episode, long time fans already had a good idea that the Doctor…does not do well in monotonous environments, a truth that is consistent across multiple incarnations.

“I don’t do families.”

“Street corner, two in the morning, getting a taxi home. I’ve never had a life like that.”

“Here you are, Living a life, day after day. The one adventure I could never have.”

“Christmas dinner.” “I don’t do that sort of thing.”

“Oh god I had a terrible nightmare about you two!” [Talking about Amy and Rory having a normal life in Leadworth]

The entirety of The Lodger

“There’s a bigger, scarier adventure waiting for you in there.”

The Power of Three, spells this truth out in bold, montage style marker pen. The Doctor “needs to be busy”. Why, as Amy later asks?

Personally I think this answer varies slightly between regenerations, based on experiences and losses each face goes through. 9 couldn’t imagine a life of peace coming out of a war, a war that he had a major hand in. 10 continues that idea, with the added baggage of losing Rose. 11’s reasoning is a bit subtler: he says to Amy that he is running to things before they go, as if he now understands how short beautiful things last. He’s going from one thing to the next in avoidance of staying to watch things die. 

“And what’s the alternative? Me standing over your grave?”

This doesn’t change by the end of the episode. The Doctor explicitly tells the Ponds that he’s only staying to watch the cubes, and once the threat is gone, he’s already out the door. He only stops because of a potential threat, an idea we will return to in the next example. He even accepts the idea of Amy and Rory wanting to stay behind: “things to do. Worlds to save. Swings to swing on. Look, I know. You both have lives here. beautiful, messy lives. That is what makes you so fabulously human. You don’t want to give them up. I understand.” The Doctor is saying, ‘I know you have lives here, and that I can’t always be a part of that. And that’s ok.’ 

This episode in my opinion is a perfect microcosm of The Doctor regarding this topic, spelling out explicitly why The Doctor can't ever settle down. The Doctor needs to have something to run to because they don't feel secure enough in any place to not allow their altruism outweigh their need to process their trauma. The only thing that could motivate the Doctor to stop, even just for a second, is the promise that their friend(s) will be there too. The next example is the worst-case scenario of this issue.

Trenzalore is an interesting case. When I first heard of it being counted, I immediately shut it down, because Trenzalore was a literal war zone (wars are obviously not a good place for mental health time). But in doing research, there is actually way more baggage contained in this period making it unsuitable for this argument than just that fact. 

Trenzalore was set up to be the Doctor’s final resting place, where they would truly die. It wasn’t the first time a death prophecy had surrounded the Time Lord, and once again, just as with The End of Time, the thing that kills them is, what Davros would later call The Doctor's “greatest indulgence”: compassion. Tasha Leem warns 11 that she will burn the planet upon the possibility of the Time Lords returning, a warning the Doctor takes extremely seriously.

“This planet is protected.”

“Christmas has a new sheriff.”

For 300 years, 11 stayed true to his word. He fought long and hard, for the townspeople and his own. He was celebrated and was loved. But Clara returning with the TARDIS revealed how he really felt about all of it. 

“Everyone gets stuck somewhere eventually.”

“But you didn’t have your TARDIS.” “Well, that made it easier to stay.” 

There’s an unspoken sentiment in these words, echoing 11's philosophy in Power of Three: the Doctor will always want to leave, in this case, to understandably avoid his prophesied death. But he doesn’t, because “Every life I save is a victory”. Their compulsion to help, their innate capacity to help those in need. So often it’s been their greatest strength, but here it’s framed as destructive selflessness. 11 has become so wholly committed to helping others before himself that he’s willing to accept his own death. 

Clara correctly calls this out: “What about your life? Just for once, After all this time, have you not earned the right to think about that?” The Doctor didn’t stay on Trenzalore for himself, he stayed for everyone besides himself. It’s only because Clara gave the Time Lords a proper verbal smackdown that the Doctor managed to survive. Had they not intervened, The Doctor would've suffered and died, once again to protect them, despite already saving them from annihilation in the previous episode, Day of The Doctor. Trenzalore wasn't The Doctor stopping, it was a century-long effort to keep satiating the bottomless survivor's guilt they still carried from The Time War.

Darillium is yet another case of looking like a time the Doctor settled down somewhere on the surface. But the details don’t match that conclusion. The entire thesis of 12 and River’s final conversation was about the fleeting nature of their situation. 

“Times end, River, because they have to. Because there’s no such thing as happily ever after. It’s just a lie we tell ourselves because the truth is so hard.”

The Doctor says this, cries at hearing the Singing Towers, despite already knowing they have 24 years in a night. Because he knows it can’t last. There’s already a deadline on their moment of peace before it’s begun. Eventually River must go to The Library. 

The final quote of the episode punctuates this: “And they lived happily ever after.” Fading away until “happily” remains. Because they didn’t have their “ever after” and they didn’t “live”, because a person can’t entirely experience life to the fullest with a clock hanging over their head. 

While they got their moment of happiness, it was only a moment. 24 years is just a blink of an eye for a Time Lord, and sure enough, we see by the end of “The Return of Doctor Mysterio”, the next chronological episode, 12 is ready to leap back into the fray. Still the same overall Doctor he was before.

The University is an extension of this. We find out that the only reason he has stayed is to guard Missy in the vault. When 12 tries to mindwipe Bill (an eerie parallel to both Donna and Clara), he directly says: “I have no choice, I’m in disguise. I have promises to keep.” Just like with Trenzalore, The Doctor’s altruism has trapped him somewhere he doesn’t actually want to be. The second he hesitates, he immediately runs after Bill, inviting her into the TARDIS and sneaks off to the universe behind Nardole’s back.

So, now that we’ve gone through each past instance, what’s the connection? What’s the key issue(s) that prevented the Doctor from permanently stopping in any of these cases?

The (fear of) loss of their friends, and the Doctor’s own self-loathing. Either out of fear of the march of time, or the chains that their altruistic nature binds them to, The Doctor always runs away from the picket fence life.

Now, let’s look at 14 and how this ending departs from all other examples.

Wild Blue Yonder and The Giggle more prominently explains 14’s origins as a coping mechanism. The reason why 10’s face came back was to retreat to an incarnation that didn’t invoke the loss of The Ponds, Clara, and Bill. The second destruction of Gallifrey and the reveal of The Timeless Child. The Doctor’s avoidance of their trauma has now been made physical, just like how mental stress can often manifest as physical changes or ailments. 

“We stand here now, on the edge of creation, a creation that I devastated, so yes I keep running, of course I keep running!! How am I supposed to look back on that?!”

Already this is a departure from the instances we’ve discussed, because by the very nature of having 10’s face again, it’s forcing the Doctor to ask why. 

“It’s like I'm trying to tell myself something. Like I’m trying to make a point.”

But 14 chooses not to answer it, because answering it means accepting the truth: it’s too much. The trauma can’t be avoided anymore, because The Doctor would always be reminded of what they’re trying to avoid by looking in a reflection. 14 telling Shirley, “I don’t know who I am anymore.” Then asking Donna, “what am I? What am I now?” It’s not because he’s been given a blank slate and doesn’t know what to do with it, like other regeneration stories. In trying to run away again, to bury the trauma and pain, The Doctor has made it more visible than ever, and doesn’t know what to do with that. 

Ironically, the Toymaker causing the bi-generation was the greatest gift he could’ve given the Doctor, because 15 was exactly who 14 needed to see. He’s happy, energetic, full of life and wonder, but also empathetic, understanding and open. He’s the only other person in the entire universe who The Doctor will listen to (well, one person, we’ll get to the other later), because he knows all of the trauma they went through, and yet, made it through ok.

“But you’re fine.”

“I’m fine, because you fix yourself.”

15 is leading by example, their own ‘ghost of Christmas future’ but positive. 14 now has an ideal self to strive towards, a face born from love and empathy. 14 doesn’t have to ground herself out of moral obligation, 15 will now protect the universe. 

But that leaves one question: why Donna? Out of all of the people to settle down with, why her? That’s easy: because she gets it. 

Donna, out of all of the companions the Doctor traveled with, understood the soul behind the legend, because she recognized someone fundamentally similar to herself. One of Donna’s signature character flaws is her horrendously low self esteem: “I’m nothing special.” no one ever listened to her (thanks Sylvia, for at least cleaning up your act later), so she covered up the silence with noise. She held onto whatever indisputable moments of genius she had to drown out the cacophony of voices shutting her up. Wild Blue Yonder explained this perfectly: Donna believes she is both brilliant and stupid at the same time. 

She lives in two contradictory self images at once, and so does The Doctor. The genius and the idiot. The universe’s most fascinating person, and the person who would easily throw away their life for the betterment of others. She’s seen their blinding arrogance/rage (the Racnoss, Jenny) and their crippling self doubt/loneliness, and always met both with empathy and kindness. 

“Doctor! You can stop now!”

“Cause sometimes I think you need someone to stop you.” 

“It won’t stay like that. She’ll help you. We both will.” 

“Is ‘alright’ special Time Lord code for ‘really not alright’ at all?” “Why?” “Cause I’m alright too.”

Donna shouldered the burden of destroying Pompeii, she silently hugged 10 after coming back from Midnight. All because she knew what all of that would feel like in her own life. She didn’t need to know the history of The Doctor and Davros, because she saw her best friend afraid and knew he would want comfort, because she would too.

Even if Dalek Caan manipulated the timelines to get Donna to him, That friendship was completely real to both of them. We saw what Donna was like without the Doctor in Forest of the Dead and Turn Left, and she always felt some level of unhappiness. 15 years removed from them and she still felt as if something was missing. In every future/reality, she always wanted them there. Same for the Doctor too. Within only a few episodes of losing her, 10 started to fall into becoming the “time lord victorious”. 12 looks the way he does because of Donna’s plea to adhere to his name, and save people. Even before 14 came into existence, the Doctor was willing to tell other people how important she was to them, on account of River recognizing Donna by her name: “you’re Donna, Donna Noble.”

Donna didn’t just travel with the Doctor and she wasn’t just friends with them. She completely understood them, their soulmate. Two halves of a greater whole, The DoctorDonna. 14 stayed because there was a more stable incarnation to take his place, and because his best friend would be there alongside him, helping and supporting him through and through. The Doctor stayed because, for the first time in their life, they felt safe. In where they would be staying, and what they would be leaving behind. 

That's why 15 doubling the TARDIS was so significant. In giving 14 her own TARDIS, 15 is allowing his younger self to have what they always removed from the equation: free will. The Doctor can still go anywhere they want, which makes them even more motivated to stay and fix themself. 14 can feel safe staying with Donna, Wilf, Mel, Rose, Shaun, and Sylvia because the option to travel is still there.

And the truly amazing part of all of this is that the TARDIS knew it from the beginning. Was it a coincidence that very soon after 13 regenerated into 14, the TARDIS landed close to where Donna and Rose would be shopping? 

“You didn’t always take me where I wanted to go.” “No, but I always took you where you needed to go.”

The TARDIS brought the Doctor home, and this time, they stayed. Because it was a place where they wanted and needed to be. 

[andreal831]

TVDU: Vikings in the Americas

I do a decent amount of research for my fic (which is more than the TVDU writers can say) so I thought I would share some.

For my story, You're On Your Own, Kid, it is based on the Mikaelson's human life. This is a period for TVDU that I find very problematic, specifically how whitewashed it is.

The Mikaelsons would have been one of the first Norsemen to come to the Americas as the first recorded instance of 'Vikings' coming to this area was about 980. Even then, they predominantly landed in areas like Greenland and would not have moved so far away from the coast as where Mystic Falls is supposed to be located. It wasn't until around 1,000 that they sailed further south and landed in what we today refer to as the United States. That being said, the writers have always found geography to be more of a guideline than a rule. Even Elijah mentioning wild horses he remembered from his childhood is inaccurate. During this period, horses were not native to North America and were not reintroduced until the 1400s.

But the problematic part is how whitewashed their village is. Everyone we see in the flashbacks is white, except for Ayana and they give no explanation of why she is the only woman of color in the village (where is the rest of her family?). Even the werewolves who were supposed to be native to the area (*cough* indigenous erasure*cough*) were shown to be white. The show later goes back and shows the Lebonair pack to be indigenous but doesn't explain how Ansel and his pack are white.

And yes, it would make sense for them to settle in an area where other Norsemen have settled, but that raises the question of who they were training to fight. Like most white colonizers, it was likely they were raiding and fighting the indigenous people of the land. We even see a scene where Klaus goes to show someone mercy and he looks as if he could have been an indigenous person.

Many Vikings who came to the 'New World' traded with indigenous people, but here we see Mikael keeping the land by force. To me, this is an unnecessary choice by the writers when Norsemen had a history of trading, they didn't have to be murderous colonizers.

We also see a lot of modern-day stereotypes/assumptions placed on the village. Like Rebekah not being able to hold a knife, when in fact the Norsemen actually valued their women and many of them learned to fight. While women were still viewed as inferior to men and it was very much a patriarchal society, the representation we see in TVDU is more of a European-centric view of women.

Additionally, Vikings were not all warriors. Most of them were farmers. Yes, they wielded swords when necessary and as a culture idolized their warriors, but for the large majority of the time, they spent their time farming or fishing. This is especially true before the religious conflicts between England.

When they did fight, much of their success was due to their navy (which would not be very helpful in land-locked Virginia). They also have such a fierce reputation because the English believed them to be 'barbaric' much like they described the natives when they colonized the Americas.

Elijah mentions that Mikael was a wealthy landowner when we first learn about his family. Land he likely stole from indigenous tribes. Additionally, who is farming all of this land? Vikings were known for taking slaves from lands they raided (we even see this is how Dahlia and Esther are taken), which here would be indigenous people. While Mikael is not a character that is glorified, the indigenous erasure is wildly problematic.

I know it is just a fun CW show, but a little research and sensitivity on these topics would have been appreciated. Throughout the show, we see the (white) Mikaelsons living quite lavish lifestyles but the show fails to acknowledge the people that got them there.

[the-meat-machine]

In this Omegaverse AU, is there any ideas you have about their biology that is uncommon in or highly distinct from other omegaverse universes?

Yeah, I think I have some interesting things going on in my worldbuilding! Now, I don't read all that much omegaverse, so I'm sure that all of these details show up SOMEWHERE out there in the wide world of omegaverse fic. But the specific combination of factors seems fairly unique.

So here are the biggest takeaways from my take on omegaverse:

Alphas and omegas are characterized by seasonal periods of high fertility and libido (rut and heat respectively), with low fertility and libido outside of that mating season. Betas, meanwhile, work pretty much like real-world humans do.

Additionally, alpha females and omega males are biological hermaphrodites--that is, they produce both eggs and sperm. (Side note: don't call real-life intersex people hermaphrodites. It's offensive. Also biologically inaccurate.)

More details under the cut (contains discussion of sex, pregnancy, and miscarriage)

Seasonality

Alphas and omegas have a mating season that occurs in late summer. It's during this time that alphas go into rut and omegas go into heat.

Omegas have two or three heats during mating season that last… let's say a few days each. If they don't get pregnant during their first heat of the season, they can go into heat again a few weeks later. Omegas usually ovulate more than one egg at a time during heat, meaning they're prone to multiples--specifically, fraternal twins, triplets, etc.

However, outside of mating season, alphas don't go into rut and omegas don't go into heat. In fact, their sex drives are low-to-nonexistent outside of mating season.

Betas, in contrast, are like real-world humans. They ovulate monthly and can get pregnant any time of the year. Because they're fertile year-round, it's actually betas who have the stereotype of being horndogs who are down to fuck anytime, anywhere.

Presumably omegaverse humans evolved this way because these two reproductive strategies have advantages under different conditions. Alphas and omegas have the advantage of having very obvious periods of high fertility, and their offspring tend to be born in the spring when resources are plentiful. Meanwhile, betas have the advantage of being able to reproduce any time of year, rather than being limited to a short mating season. I don't know under which circumstances each of those would be useful though, so I'll leave that as a question for omegaverse biologists to study.

I imagine that this seasonality would have some huge impacts on the culture that I haven't fully thought through. Certainly almost every culture has some sort of summer holiday around mating season. Spring birthdays are also significantly more common than birthdays any other time of the year. Probably tons and tons of other things too, I don't know.

Also. Historically, mating season is in the summer. However, in this day and age of indoor living, it's not unheard of for people's estrous cycles to get desynced from the seasons. This is especially true for night workers and people with irregular sleep schedules. This means that it's possible, for example, for an omega to go into heat wildly out of season and get knocked up with twins who get born in December. You know, to give a totally random example that surely has no bearing on anything that happened in the backstory of this AU…

Side note: Omegas have estrous cycles rather than menstrual cycles, meaning they don't menstruate. They just reabsorb the uterine lining if they don't get pregnant. Actually, I'm toying with the idea of saying that all humans have estrous cycles in this setting; it's just that it's way less obvious when betas and alphas go into estrus. Not sure, I'll have to think that one through.

Who can get whom pregnant?

Here's a general overview. Obviously, this is very simplified; just like in real life, there are all sorts of possible intersex conditions, and people in any of these categories can be trans on either axis (male-female and alpha-beta-omega).

Alpha male: can impregnate others, unable to get pregnant

Alpha female: can impregnate others, can get pregnant

Beta male: can impregnate others, unable to get pregnant

Beta female: unable to impregnate others, can get pregnant

Omega male: can impregnate others, can get pregnant

Omega female: unable to impregnate others, can get pregnant

However, the specifics of how likely any of these categories are to impregnate or get pregnant varies. So let's get into the details.

Alphas

Both male and female alphas have penises and produce sperm. They produce high volumes of sperm when in rut, low volumes outside of rut. Alpha penises tend to be larger than beta and omega penises, and only alphas have the characteristic knot.

In addition to the penises, alpha females also have vaginas and uteruses and produce eggs. This means they're theoretically able to become pregnant. However, several factors stand in the way:

Rut hormones suppress ovulation, meaning that during the time when their sex drives are highest, they're unable to become pregnant.

Ovulation is "hidden" like it is in betas (and real-world humans)--that is, you can't tell just by looking that an alpha female is ovulating. Possibly they also tend to have irregular ovulation cycles, or ovulate less frequently than betas do.

Alphas tend to have smaller and narrower pelvises, making carrying a pregnancy notoriously difficult for alphas. Miscarriages are common.

It's not uncommon for alpha females to be outright infertile, egg-wise.

Betas

Betas are pretty much laid out like real-world humans. (Aside from the possibility that they technically have estrous cycles rather than menstrual cycles, as mentioned above.) Males produce average volumes of sperm. Females ovulate roughly once a month.

Omegas

Both male and female omegas have uteruses and produce eggs. They often ovulate more than one egg at a time while in heat, meaning they're prone to multiples. They don't ovulate outside of heat. They tend to have wider hips to accommodate the larger pregnancies.

Omega males additionally have penises and produce sperm. They're kind of the opposite of alpha females--their sperm production is suppressed while in heat, and really, they don't produce very high volumes of sperm any time of year. They're theoretically capable of getting others pregnant, but since their sperm quality is low and they can only do it during the times of year when their libidos are low, it's uncommon.

Also, omega males possibly have internal testes. I'm undecided on that one.

All told, for an omega male to get an alpha female (or an alpha FTM) pregnant would require both participants to be VERY determined. Not impossible, though. Not impossible………. Surely this isn't relevant to this story though. Surely.

[katzenprinz]

Who talks during movies? Who stays quiet? Who likes/dislikes the talkers?

Oh, Salim definitely is the one who gets excited about movies. If he has seen them before, especially if he's showing them to Jason for the first time, he would poke Jason and be like, "Are you watching?" or "This is the scene!" But he wouldn't talk through it. He'd wait until the end and then burst into chattering about it. He'd love discussing movies with Jason. (I could see Salim liking slice of life movies. Films that just focus on people and their stories.) He'd also be extremely expressive while watching, so Jason finds it adorable to watch Salim more than the movie sometimes.

Jason meanwhile likes action-adventure movies (like The Mummy - he eats that shit up, although maybe not so much now, considering where he is :P ) and he’d get into the really tense scenes. He’d absolutely shush people and get onto them for talking too much, especially since he’s such a visual person.

When Salim cries at movies Jason cuddles the shit out of him and acts as a pillow. Jason is a shed one manly tear kinda guy. (Except he bawls when it’s something like Homeward Bound.)

Rachel and Nick enjoy complete silence when they watch movies, and Eric just Knows Better by this point - although if he really can’t hold in saying something he’ll pause the movie so he can get it out - usually it’s a rant about how inacurate something is, and Nick and Rachel groan.

Rachel also usually picks horror movies, and Nick and Eric are both total scaredy-cats.

Elliott knows theatre ettiquette. He doesn’t make a peep and has his snack packets open BEFORE the movie starts. Musicals are his favorite, of course, but he enjoys pretty much all genres.

Mosson cannot shut up during movies. He laughs the loudest, too. Can and will devour an entire popcorn bucket by himself. Rachel has paused movies before to lean forward and stare him down until he stops talking. Jason has threatened to muzzle him.

Rana is also unable to be quiet during a movie. Very much like Eric, she will go off on tangents about things being accurate or inaccurate. She and Eric are not allowed to watch movies together unless it is just the two of them or they are sitting on opposite sides of the room. She loves period pieces. She has also appeared as an expert in several archaeological documentaries.

Palmer will chat softly with someone if they start a conversation with him, but otherwise watches quietly. Occasionally he’ll be like, “You’re blocking my view,” when absolutely nobody is sitting in front of him, and everyone else asks him what the ghost thinks of the movie. He also cries easily.

Jones is similar to Palmer and will chat, except he has no sense of volume so he is shushed by everyone else constantly if he talks to someone else, so he tries to sit next to people who won’t chat with him. Unless it’s an action film or horror he usually falls asleep, though.

Kim is not very interested in movies and is almost always multitasking when they gather around to have movie nights, including reading. She prefers books.

[perplexingluciddreams]

When you were semiverbal and your speech started to decline more what was a big difference? Like how could you tell?

did you notice or did others point it out to you?

When did those moments where you would “dump” a bunch of words out at once stop?

2nd questiom: you mentioned that when you got aac , you weren’t expecting for your speech to continue to decline to fully nonverbal, did people ever think that the aac somehow “caused” you to continue to regress in speech. How did you get aac, did you convince people somehow or did they suggest?

I didn’t notice, not for a long time. Especially because I’d always had so much difficulty with speech and communication throughout my entire life. And because of my physical conditions declining around the same period of time, I saw less and less people and spent more and more time alone in my room, so it wasn’t noticed that I went days or weeks barely saying a word. A lot of my communication became text-based then, so then the only words I would say often would be “thanks” or “thank you”, or occasionally the name of an object and the word “please”, for example “water please”.

I was half-aware that my speech became more unreliable and uncontrollable at or around puberty (starting age 10 or 11). I would go long periods without being capable of any kind of interaction without having a huge meltdown (I would not interact at all during school hours, then when I would come home and my mum would try to ask me a simple question I’d suddenly be painfully jolted out of my dissociative trance, and all the sensory triggers I’d been experiencing all day came rushing into my brain all at once. What followed, in a rather predictable pattern, is I would be unable to give a proper response to the question, shout or scream words unintentionally, and run upstairs trying to take my school uniform off as quickly as possible, my body slamming doors and shouting/screaming and throwing things without my control all the way. These meltdowns happened almost daily (and sometimes more than once in a day) from about age 10-13, I think.

The other side of the coin to this was when, instead of shutting down all day at school (and in any social setting) to deal with the constant painful overwhelm, my body reacted by instead being incapable of staying still and quiet. This is when all of my scripts and echolalia (both the ones that were created intentionally, and the ones that just somehow found their way into the obsessive and repetitive part of my mind), would come out like a “dump” of words. I remember being very internally distressed whenever this happened, although not visibly on the outside because it was these moments where my body was the most out of my control. It was very upsetting to me that this always seemed to happen when I was around the people I liked/loved the most, and I regularly said things to them that didn’t match up with my thoughts at all. I felt like such a liar, even though at the same time I knew I could not control it. The last time this “dump” of words happened was at age 16, I believe. But it was a lot less than it had been previously, less words coming out at a slower speed, as I was already far on my way to losing my physical ability to speak at that point.

I wasn’t expecting my speech to fully decline to nonverbal mostly because I had no idea what was going to happen. I wasn’t expecting anything, really. I think it was my mum who finally suggested AAC, after we had tried writing by hand, typing, and learning some BSL. I’m not sure if I managed to bring it up first or not, I can’t remember if I externalised those thoughts or if they stayed locked internally. It took me a long time, lots of research, and lots of (attempted, but inaccurate) explanations until I could finally communicate what was happening with my speech, and just how much I was struggling.

Nobody ever said that AAC caused my continued speech decline (I don’t think so anyway), as I really continued to try to speak even once I was at the point where it was just unintelligible noises coming out of my mouth. I pushed it right to the end. I do remember one instance where my brain was STILL trying to make words I didn’t agree with come out of my mouth, and I had this unfortunate script that I picked up from an autistic person on TikTok (it just found it’s way into my brain and I was so angry and upset about it), who said something like “I CAN force it like this, but it’s so tiring”. And even though that was the opposite of true for me at that point, my mouth managed to make those words come out clearer than the rest. Thinking about it distresses me even now, and I don’t think I ever managed to communicate that specific experience to my mum until writing it now. So if you would count that as a “dump” of words, that happened at 16 also, right when I had lost almost all physical speech ability.

- Extra things to add that I think I missed: I definitely didn’t have to do any “convincing” when it came to communicating my experiences and things like AAC, once I managed to externalise my thoughts and feelings it was clear to other people that I was telling the truth. It couldn’t be hidden or ignored by that point, anyway (and I was never a high-masking autistic, I was never capable of masking really. I used to try and suppress my movements and sometimes managed to channel it into something slightly smaller but that was the only “masking” I ever managed to do). When I refer to the “dump” of words, it was basically my already unreliable speech going out of control, along with my body’s movements. And when I use the term “unreliable speech” I’m not just referring to it being hard to talk, I’m using the definition “a person may be able to speak, but not able to say what they want, for example saying “go away” obsessively or repeatedly, when the person intends to say “hello”. Doing or saying something that you don’t want to do, is called “motor disinhibition”. I talk about this experience a lot as it’s something that affects me a lot. Anxiety also significantly impacts my ability to control my body, so if I was put in a social situation it would often trigger this disinhibition, and possibly make it appear as if I was socialising.

Apologies for this being so long and ramble-y, I tried my best to answer the questions clearly. It can be difficult with complex topics like this, as my brain just wants to go on a million tangents!

[archduchessofnowhere]

Why do you hate Versailles so much? I haven't seen it, but from the point-of-view of someone who knows fuck all about the plot, it looks fine - at the very least, nothing to inspire the kind of violent hatred I have for Maria Theresia. I even considered watching it at one point, but there was always something better on TV or Netflix, so I never got to it. So I guess I just want to be forewarned before possibly throwing myself into it?

Speaking about bad period drama - have you seen that Maria Theresia show that premiered on RTL in 2017? Because for me, it's what Versailles is for you. Except I don't know how much you like Louis XIV., but for all her flaws Maria Theresia is an icon of the former Habsburg monarchy, so I kinda took this show personally.

Hi! Well, that's the thing: Versailles looks fine. I like watching period dramas in general so I had it on my radar, and since I had mostly seen positive reviews of it I went into it with the impression that it was a good historical series. Not good as in "is trashy but in a fun, good way!", not good as in "inaccurate but in a self aware, entertaining good way!". But in an actually good way. So I was almost shocked when I watched the pilot because it is legit one of the worst pilots I've ever seen, like I cannot believe they actually green-lighted the series after that. I kept watching because many series I love have mediocre to bad first episodes so I didn't want it to judge it solely on that, and since it did got better (not hard to achieve, since they touched rock-bottom with that pilot) I ended up watching the whole season. Which in defense of the series, was ok. But season 2 wasn't ok, and I had to force myself to finish season 3 (which I regret, I should've just dropped it).

Ultimately if I had to boil down my dislikeness to one thing it would be that it's just very badly written series, period. When you're watching it you feel as if the series had over fifty screenwriters who never read each other's writings. There is an incredible disconnection between episodes, so many plotlines are introduced to never be properly explored and eventually abandoned only episodes later. Every season felt like a soft reboot of the previous one (season 1 finishes in a HUGE CLIFHANGER... that is immediately solved five minutes into season 2 and then never mentioned again. This was the moment I realized I was watching truly bad TV), the original characters dragged the story and stole the screentime that the historical characters painfully needed, and SA was used for nothing more than shock value more than once (not to Outlander extremes, but still felt very unnecessary).

It is also very historically inaccurate, and I wouldn't mind it (I've read one book related to Louis XIV in my entire life, I don't care much about him as a historical figure) if it wasn't the worst type of historical inaccurate: the lazy type. Inaccuracies not because we think that the real history is boring and needs to be more bold and sexy *looking at all the recent Sisi adaptations*, but because we were just too lazy to research beyond the very basis and thus we accidentally end up creating dozens of plot-holes. Exemple: Philippe Duke of Orléans (Louis XIV's brother) was married to Henriette of England and they had two daughters. During season 1 the daughters are never EVER mentioned, not even once. Henriette even gets pregnant at one point and everyone acts as if this were her first child. So I thought the daughters had been written out of the series (terrible move if they were planning to reach to the point in history where Louis XIV married off his niece to Carlos II of Spain). BUT THEN in the first episode of season 2 when Philippe's second wife is introduced she says something along the lines of "I brought presents for Marie Louise and Anne Marie", the two daughters who had never been introduced to the audience up to that point!! Which is just a terrible way to revel that the two most important supporting characters of season 1, whose relationship had been a key plotline, had had children all along and was just never brought up. At the end the series did reach to the point Louis XIV arranged his niece's marriage so Marie Louise make an appearance, and it showed that never properly writing her into the series before was a terrible move, because suddenly a sixteen-years-old girl popped out in the middle of season 3 and we just had to accept that we had never seen her until that point because her father didn't remember she existed?? Don't you just love how well researched and written this series is??

Versailles is just personally frustrating to me. I've watched The Spanish Princess, which is probably one of the worse if not the worst period drama ever written, and it doesn't make as angry as Versailles. Because with TSP we all agree that it's bad, but with Versailles I feel that I watched a different series that the one everyone else saw because it cannot be that no one else noticed how goddamn bad it is.

And I haven't watched the Maria Theresia series but I probably will, solely because there's not that much Habsburg related media out there. You spoiled me something about it and I remember I actually said WHAT out loud when I read it because I couldn't believe they would get her SO wrong. I'm glad you told me because if I had gone into the series without knowing it would've punched me in the face lol.

[hurtmeicantakeit]

trigger warning [suicide, drugs, addiction, emotional, physical and s*xu*l ab*se/r*pe, m*rder]

i haven’t been active on here since forever and since i’m in a pretty bad place right now, i finally downloaded tumblr again. crazy to think i had this blog for about nine years (i started it in 2014 i think), back then i was doing pretty bad, struggled with severe depression, daily self-harming and suicidal tendencies but still had the hope that in two, three years things would be better - turns out i was wrong. a lot has changed ever since, i don’t know if it’s for the better or worse. what i can say - i never imagined my life would be like this. in the last three and a half years, things went downhill. it started in march 2020 when my best friend committed suicide. i’ve always been prone to trying out drugs but so far never struggled with addiction. well, when she died, i couldn’t take it anymore. i began taking opioids and benzos every day, luckily i was able to stop after a couple of months, but started smoking daily and haven’t been able to quit ever since. the longest period of time i managed without was three weeks and that was almost two years ago. at least i’m clean a couple of substances i’ve been ab*sing a lot, nowadays i only smoke weed, drink alcohol and do benzos (if i need them), even though my psychiatrist prescribes me those and once in a while i do take other substances, mainly just for fun though.

during that time i was diagnosed with bpd and ptsd since i could only remember one short term traumatic event from 2016. eventually i started to remember that my parents were ab*sing me emotionally and physically back when i was a child. the bpd diagnosis turned out to be completely inaccurate, instead i got diagnosed with complex ptsd (october 2021). every now and then new memories/flashbacks of being s*xu*lly ab*sed occurred but couldn’t pin down when, where or who the abuser was. a bit later flashbacks and dissociative episodes started to have more effects on the body. i didn’t know what that was and it did scare me, especially since i hate not being in control. mid 2022 i finally managed to go see a doctor for these episodes and they diagnosed me with psychogenic non epileptic seizures.

a bit later, a new memory occurred, but something about it was different, this time, i knew the location. it was my parents’ basement. i spoke to both my therapist and my psychiatrist about the flashbacks and they said it’s likely that it actually did happen. since then new memories have been occurring at least once a week or so. then, my therapist left and i had to adjust to someone unknown. in the beginning, it was okayish but after a short time it felt like she wasn’t the right therapist for me. it didn’t seem like she was listening to me or trying to understand me. after thinking about it for some time, i decided to quit therapy and start looking for someone new, better versed.

march this year i had the first appointment with my current therapist, someone who actually knows what they are doing. i started opening up about a couple of symptoms (which i did before, they were not listening though) and it really seemed like she’s trying to learn and understand. a month ago or so she told me that apparently i do have dissociative identity disorder. even though some symptoms were somehow pointing in that direction, i couldn’t believe it. if i’m being honest, i still can’t. on some days i’m scared i’m lying and simulating, on other days i want nothing more than that it all turns out to be a lie.

it’s weird, for such a long time i thought that i had a great childhood (even though i have amnesia for the years up until i was eleven years old) and loving parents. as i got older, i found out that that’s far from being true. my parents have been abusing me emotionally, physically and s*xu*lly ever since i was a young child. sometimes i wonder if there’s even more they hide. there are so many memories/flashbacks of places i’ve never been to, people i’ve never seen in my entire life. someone from the system implied that our body has been sold and still is. quite often i wake up in the morning just to see the body’s got new bruises, some times c*ts as well. my therapist is assuming that certain things still might be happening during the nights and on the weekends. she started talking about escaping these structures, possible punishments from my families side and protected apartments. so many questions are surfacing along with the flashbacks. what confuses me a lot is the fact that a few of my therapists plus my former psychiatrist suspected that all the kinds of ab*se have been happening in my family for many generations. i’m not sure if i ever mentioned it on here - my aunt (my fathers’ sister) was m*rdered a long time ago, beforehand someone r*ped her. my parents told me when i was around ten/eleven years old and i never questioned it or associated it with my family, but now i wonder if they actually told me the truth or if someone of them had something to do with her death. sometimes i wish i never started digging in my past but the point of no return has been crossed, i cannot go back. it’s hard for me to understand what happened, also because most of the trauma just happened to the body, not to me. most of the time i’m complete denial of both the trauma and the did-diagnosis. it can’t be real and i most certainly don’t want it to be real.

[championofdnd]

I was homeschooled and it was great for me.

It was terrible for my brother.

I knew a handful of people with "problematic" parents and I'll say confidently none of their lives would have been any different if they were public schooled. In fact a lot of the homeschoolers did attend public school for some period of time. Either early on and were pulled out due to problems at the school or went to public school starting in highschool.

Most peoples image of homeschooling is just completely inaccurate. Don't get me wrong, there are families out there that fit the stereotypes, but they are few and far between compared to the rest of us.

Most homeschoolers have an active social life and a good relationship with their parents. Most of them are well adjusted and do well in school subjects.

Some of the misconceptions likely come from single year homeschoolers. The first year is always rough, there are a lot of adjustments that have to be made in the first year, and many families give up during that time, which is a bad experience for everyone.

Most people also don't realize that there are numerous methods and styles of homeschooling ranging from basically public school to 'unschooling'. These all fall under the homeschool banner but are as different as night and day. It's not fair to judge one based on the other.

There are certainly problems within the homeschool community, but you can't address those problems with ignorance. Banning homeschooling doesn't ban abuse. Banning homeschooling doesn't increase literacy rates. Just like changing the math curriculum every ten years hasn't significantly changed whether or not kids like math. Its a significantly nuanced problem, and one that has to be fixed with an understanding of the community it impacts.

Because of that last post I responded to, and just the general categories I've seen people fall into in these conversations, I'm curious:

Please reblog for sample size, deeply curious the demographics of this one

[writingwithcolor]

Representing China’s diversity

@hewwo-god-its-me asked:

Hi! I’m Chinese-Canadian, creating a secondary fantasy world completely based off of China and coded as such. (Don’t worry, I know China is a huge country with a vast amount of regional and temporal variation throughout dynasties; I have been doing/will be doing more research so as not to conflate these.) I’m not sure my question has an easy answer, but I think my question sort of extends into the creation of any secondary fantasy world heavily based off of real-world countries (hopefully!). Though media has popularized a particular “type” of Chinese person, in reality, China is a lot more diverse than “pale-skinned, black-haired”, and DOES have migrants from other parts of the world, including other people of color who aren’t Chinese. I want to reflect this diversity, since it seems disingenuous, inaccurate, and downright offensive to say that “X people do not exist at all”, especially since my story will take place in a time period analogous to our “modern” today. However, since my world is coded as Chinese, with the various cultures that exist taking inspiration from (and sometimes, almost wholesale being aspects of) real-life Chinese culture, I’m worried that, in this case, in trying to reflect this diversity, it will come across as assimilation/erasing their own cultural identities. Sorry!! I might just be totally overthinking this, but I’ve been thinking myself in circles about this for a long time now, and being Chinese myself, I thought it would be important to ask how other people of color would feel about this, and am totally open to discussion on the topic!

Han Chinese are the majority group in China forming approximately 90% of the population. They are the majority all over China and originate from northern China. 

I recently found out I was Hmong, so I will talk somewhat about minorities in China. There are 55 recognized minority groups in China, and Hmong is one of them. The Hmong have generally darker skin than the Han Chinese majority and mainly reside in southern China. They are also present more so in southeast Asia, but even there, they are still a minority and heavily persecuted because of American interference and the use of them as spies against communism during the Vietnam War in Laos. Many Hmong immigrated to the United States as a result. Because of Chinese imperialism, a lot of minority groups are suppressed. There’s also the Manchu, who founded the Qing Dynasty.

Perhaps you should focus on a couple of cultural groups in China but have it mentioned several times that there are even more groups different than the ones focused on.

–Mod Sci

So I would also like to note that even within Han people, there can be a range of skin tones. I’m Han myself and while I’m currently pale, I’ve been quite tan before when I was out and about in the sun as a kid, and my brother is also much darker than the rest of our immediate family. When my mom was telling me about growing up in Taiwan, I got the impression that tan skin was the default, as one of her friends stood out for being pale among everyone else. From what I remember, pale among Han Chinese is not necessarily the default; there were definitely darker-skinned kids in my Chinese school, and having pale skin was probably more the exception than the norm. 

–Mod Jess

I think it’d be incredibly difficult to cover every single cultural group of China but at the same time, obviously a singular pan-Chinese identity doesn’t exist as you’ve mentioned. During worldbuilding (while it is important to clearly code your groups), make it clear that these aren’t indicative of every group that exists in real life; The representation that you cover within the span of your story isn’t exhaustive and cultures exist outside of the main cast.

I think the biggest thing you should remember when doing this is that the media in the West usually doesn’t try to go beyond a single, homogenized Chinese identity. Even within Chinese diasporic circles, I haven’t seen too many attempts to go beyond just “Chinese”, which isn’t horrible because our cultures are super mixed! However, like I said, there’s a lack of exploration of China’s diversity.

Speaking from a Chinese-Singaporean/Taiwanese/Vietnamese/Indonesian standpoint, representation of Chinese diaspora from other East Asian and Southeast Asian nations isn’t something I see a lot of, either! Ethnic Chinese people live in Singapore, Hong Kong, the Philippines… and although I don’t like taking space from those who are marginalized by us in these places, we do exist outside of China and our cultures are influenced by other Asians as well.

Sci gave a great list of identities above that I haven’t seen much representation of above. I think that if you’re even taking a small step like this towards showing the diversity of China, you’re doing a lot already! 

–Mod Em

Firstly, I recommend reading about the mummies of Urumqi in Xinjiang, and their importance to Uyghur identity. 

Secondly, I recommend that you study Chinese history in depth, particularly:

The Silk Road

The Yuan dynasty (i.e. Mongols) 

The treasure ship diplomatic trade missions of the Ming dynasty. 

The Silk Road on its own resulted in regular interactions between many ethnic groups bound by trade, including many Central Asian Turkic nomadic and landed populations (of which the Uyghurs are a part). 

The Han are the majority ethnic group now and have arguably always been the supermajority (Depending on who you talk to), but to what degree this has been the case will vary from dynasty to dynasty up until the end of the Qing dynasty with the Manchus in the 20th century. Pay particular attention to when dynasties emerge and fall and which ethnic groups are mentioned when this happens. I think you will be surprised by what you find. Thoroughly studying a country’s history is generally the best way to fully appreciate its diversity. 

- Marika.

[aroaceconfessions]

Long post (Warnings detailed description of possible dysphoria around breasts, talks of masturbation, purposeful inaccurate pronoun use, possibly toxic family/friend relationships, depression and anxiety, aphobia, NBphobia)

Okay let's start with the basics I'm aroace sex/ro averse) agender (she/they)(afab)(no female referrals except for sister) i experience queerplatonic attraction which is femme leaning and I am an adult.

Since the age of fourteen I've know I was ace. Shortly after coming to this realization I had come out to my friend of 6 years. 3 days later she outed me to her father who said "if your not useful(make babies) the why be alive" this would later extremely effect my depression still to this day and spark a lot of internalized aphobia. She proceeded to gaslight and deny this happened for two years.

At the age of 17 I discovered that I am aro. As I had been partially ghosting said friend (and an additional friend who is very conservative and sex negative) for a year I decided that I would clearly state my sexuality and tell her that I knew that her outing me actually happened and that I feared her father and could never forgive him. She told me to forgive him because he doesn't understand the gravity of what he said, but I think she didn't understand the seriousness of what I told her.

Through out this starting at the age of 15 I had been questioning my gender once a month constantlyand consistently. The month before I turned 18 I started to identify as agender. I had only come out too two individuals about this. my cousin and one of my uni professors (they use they/them pronouns). Three months later I decided I would put nonbinary as my gender for work and my pronouns. They say they have lost my papers though clearly having info (signed permission forms) that were only avaliable on said papers. I have reinforced my gender identity on a work survey which they will see.

Now I will go deeper into the individual labels of my identity. When I started puberty I would only experience my libido during my period. Since puberty has ended I can say with certainty I only experience it once a year. This is not a reason why I am asexual though has a significant impact on my asexualty and how I approach the world.

I am kiss repulsed may be some variation of loveless. I can't say I love my family even those who I genuinely care about and don't fear.

I have social/performance/general anxiety (the previously mentioned friend has severely negatively impacted all of these). I currently have no friends I can't say I'm particularly lonely and I think I could life without friends but I experience platonic and queerplatonic attraction very strongly though not frequently and I find my self constantly yearning for a friend group or qpp.

My dysphoria around my chest varies depending on my current mental health (good mental health= likes/neutral about breasts, bad mental health= extremely dysphoric can't wear fitting bras and need to wear baggy shirts). For femme referrals a lot of it is connecred to my sexuality and how the expectations of women are to reproduce, have a romantic partner, etc. I have no dysphoria around my genitals and I think it's because I don't view them as connected to gender and only for reproduction.

That is all hope this helps those who feel alone in any of these experiences. And I believe I have previously submitted a post about my asexuality.

-Reid

[margridarnauds]

if you could make a movie based on the history of early modern ireland (not a documentary but a movie with characters that takes place during that time period) what would it be about/like/what specific time period or events would it be set in?

My first disclaimer is that "Early Modern" in the context of Irish Studies generally means a bit of a longer time frame than people usually think -- most people think about 16th-18th century or therabouts, from about the time of the European discovery of America to the time of the Enlightenment and the American and French Revolutions. Irish Studies looks at that timeline and laughs, since we date these things linguistically and we have traces of what would be known as Early Modern Irish as early as about the 13th century. The good news is that none of the examples I thought about, when I was thinking about what I know and what I would like to see, come that early on, but that's just a small disclaimer about what you get if you ask me about Early Modern Ireland, since I know that's not really common information outside the field.

But, I have been thinking about this (I've NOT been sitting idle for the last two months) and I have about....four suggestions:

Aodh O'Neill. Fascinating man, I wish I could have done more work on him over the years, but one of the key figures in the Nine Years War -- his departure, along with the departure of other major Gaelic chieftains in The Flight of the Earls, struck the mortal blow for Gaelic Ireland. A wily and pragmatic leader, going between both sides as needed to secure his power until finally throwing it all into the rebellion, as well as being a notorious thot, he died in Spain, possibly by poisoning. There actually has been one film made about this time period from an Irish perspective (generally, 16th century Irish chieftains only show up as dirty, unclean rebels in biopics on Elizabeth I....not that I'm bitter), Disney's The Fighting Prince of Donegal, but it is (1) wildly historically inaccurate (SHOCKING I know) and (2) Centers on his contemporary and ally, Aodh Ruadh O'Donnell (the legendary Red Hugh), though Aodh O'Neill does feature as the comic relief (they DID get his thottiness accurate.) I would really like to see a dramatic take on his life, that really delves into the moral ambiguity of the time period while also humanizing the Irish chieftains as a whole. I wouldn't mind it being a dual biopic, where he shares the spotlight with Aodh Ruadh, because the two of them really were politically linked from about 1593, when Aodh Ruadh helped Aodh O'Neill become the O'Neill, to their flight to Spain and deaths in exile. You can't really talk about one without the other, and they absolutely defined an era of Irish politics and represented that kind of last hurrah for the Gaelic world. So it'd be very interesting if someone could do something with that, show how they developed over the years, what that kind of non-stop pressure and non-stop politics would really do to you, especially since neither one of them, as was relatively typical in 16th century Ireland, had a smooth ascent to the throne, and I think it's safe to say that, over the course of their time...they did become monsters. Not as monstrous as the monsters they were fighting, in my opinion, but they both did terrible things, and, nationalistic idealism aside, I think it's safe to say that a lot of it was self-motivated.

Which leads me to choice #2: Iníon Dubh. Often dismissed as not being as cool as Girlboss Gránuaile, the mother of Aodh Ruadh was no slouch herself -- Her son was abducted when he was 14 years old, imprisoned in Dublin Castle, and, the entire time from that point until his escape four years later, she played what was functionally a game of whack a mole with the other potential claimants to the throne while also trying to secure Aodh Ruadh's release (including one failed attempt involving survivors of the Spanish Armada -- the English murdered the survivors and kept Aodh.) Praised in the Annals of the Four Masters (which, as everyone knows, are incredibly sexist for not bringing in Girlboss Gránuaile, because she was such a Girlboss that they clearly deliberately erased her) for her intelligence and courage, she was born in Scotland and sent to Ireland for a political marriage with Aodh Ruadh's father, Aodh. (Yes. Really. 16th century Irish nobleman were creative in many ways, but not with their names.) Ultimately, she got her wish -- Aodh Ruadh did become King of Tirconnell, with his father stepping down to give him the title, but she ultimately outlived all four of her sons. I really feel like we need more feminine perspectives of Irish history and, especially this time period that don't just involve "BADASS WITH A SWORD" -- I think that it's a shame that she's often just relegated to Aodh Ruadh's Mother, when she had a really interesting life on her own and she was clearly a really formidable woman.

Another option would be Dubhaltach mac Fhirbisigh -- Not an option most people would think of, because he didn't lead what a lot of people would consider a really action-packed life, but he survived over 80 years of very turbulent Irish history, with his murder really, for me, striking the final death blow to the Gaelic learned class. His dedication to learning, with him going all over looking for manuscripts, his dedication to his work, which survived him and has been reworked in an epic five volume tome on genealogy, two of which are indexes...he was an interesting fellow, that's all I'm saying. And, by pretty much all accounts...he was a genuinely good, compassionate man. A fear uasal, you could say. And, even though he had to keep his political opinions close to his chest, since we're looking at the Cromwellian conquest of Ireland at this point, he put subtle *clues* into his book. I'd really like to see at least an animated short on his life, something that showed how much we owe to this man, especially since he's pretty much unknown outside of relatively niche areas of Celtic Studies (a niche within a niche, essentially.) Like, I love how The Secret of Kells showed how the work of Brendan and the monks survived in the present artifact, I love how much *love* you can feel for the Book in it, and I would love for something similar to show how he really...tied his life into this thing. And it worked! We have it! It's still around!

The fourth, that I came up with in the shower, since I was just in Limerick this last week, would be the first siege of King John's Castle. The 17th century was a very busy period for the castle, but the first siege is probably the better suited for a cinematic adaptation because it really had everything: You had a betrayal by the Lord Mayor of Limerick, you had a tense race against the clock on both sides (with both sides BURROWING UNDER THE FORT in order to weaken one another), you had intense periods of fighting, with people reduced to repelling rebels with *glass bottles*, you had a slowly rising death toll, you had moral ambiguity (the rebels leading the siege are men who are fighting against the English. They're trying to preserve Catholicism in Ireland, they're trying to get Ireland free of England. But then you weigh that against 700 people, many of them women and children, crammed into a castle, food running low, disease rampant, knowing that, if they go outside, they will be executed. And up to 300 of them did die. How do you square that, morally?) I think you could really make an excellent film that preys on that sense of anticipation, on the dreadful psychology that must have been there, with no one sure whether the relief ships would get through (they didn't), who would win, how many would die, with fighting being kept to small bits here and there to make it effective when you do get a battle scene. (Also you could really do a lot with the darkness of the tunnels, since that's where most of the fighting of the siege took place.)

[thecrazyalchemist]

I know I don't normally talk about current events on my blog, but this was a very big wtf moment so I want to vent a little.

(disclaimer: I am a secular Jew. When I talk about religious topics, some information I say may be inaccurate. You are welcome to correct me **in good faith**)

I will admit this was an even bigger of a wtf moment about JVP, but probably because I am an Israeli secular Jew so it hit closer to home.

Because instructing Jews not to pray in *Hebrew* in ***Tish'a Be'av*** is a so big wtf to me idk how to properly explain it.

Tish'a Be'av is a time for Jews to grieve the destructions of our temples (*plural*) by the babilons (in 422 or 586 B.C.) and by the romans (70 AD) and other events and grievances that eventually led to the diaspora and more. It is one of the most important (if not the most important, I'm never sure if it's Yom Kippur or Tish'a Be'av) periods of grieving and fasting in Judaism.

In addition, the Jewish holy book, the Tanach, is written in Hebrew. F[ructose]ing Hebrew. The Jewish prayers have always been in Hebrew. That's how a Jew from Spain and a Jew from Ethiopia can recite the same prayer (with a bit of difference).

So now, on **Tish'a Be'av**, a **Jewish** grieving day, you come and say that we shouldn't pray in Hebrew?! HAVE YOU EVEN OPENED THE TANACH, THE TORAH, ONE TIME IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE?! WOULD YOU TELL A MUSLIM NOT TO PRAY IN ARABIC DURING RAMADAN OR CHRISTIAN NOT TO PRAY IN ENGLISH DURING EASTER?!

You don't seem very much Jewish as an organization to me, do you?!

Oh, but no, that's ok. Because Hebrew has been resurrected by (((Zionists))) [insert "genocidal little freaks of nature that are worse than rats, vermin, the black death, Nazis, and are pedophiles who rule the world in their shadowy greedy dirty ways and desire to kill every one who isn't them] that's ok to say. Because every one who prays in Hebrew is a dirty (((Zionist))). Because everyone who talks in Hebrew is a dirty (((Zionist))). Because every Jew that doesn't conform to our own twisted ideal of a little good Jew with the only thing Jewish about them is their great grandmother and anything more is erased. /Sarcastiest sarcastic sarcasm to ever sarcasm

But yeah, that's ok to ignore my opinion too, because I'm a little (((Zionist))) who has dared to be born in Israel and speak Hebrew all his life and want his own damn country and friends and family and people not to die and be cleansed away. /Sarcasm again

You don't seem to be very much for peace either, huh? I wonder why...

I just learned about JVP's instructions to Jewish people to not pray in Hebrew. Shocking, frankly. I've heard many Jewish people criticize JVP. This, though, is a brazen act of antisemitism. Even a non-Jew like me would be reasonably suspicious of such a suggestion.

There's something weird here, right? They claim to be Jewish voices advocating for peace, and yet they are suggesting removing Jewish language from the equation. I once heard something to the effect of "Hebrew is the vocal component of Judaism." That for many, Hebrew is intrinsic to their Judaism. I'm not sure how Jews relate to Hebrew and if this is a correct assertion, but if it's a fair assertion, there's a sick irony in an organization claiming to be made up of Jewish voices trying to remove Judaism's voice.

I might be out of line here, this is definitely something for Jewish people to discuss and debate, but it just seems so incredibly anti-Jewish.

[viola-halogen]

Have you ever noticed that there a quite a few period dramas that were made recently which are set in the ghosts’ own era like outlander, Jojo rabbit and bridgerton?

Yes I have! A headcanon I have is that Kitty and Thomas have a club where they watch Georgian-era period dramas together. Kitty just enjoys the drama and likes looking at all the handsome men and beautiful women, but Thomas likes to ruthlessly point out all the details that are historically inaccurate.

Since we know the Captain likes to watch war documentaries I can imagine he would enjoy films set during the war as well. Unfortunately it’s been a while since I watched Jojo Rabbit so I can’t really remember it well enough to say wether the Captain would like it.

I can’t imagine there being that many films set when Robin was alive, but I bet he would get a laugh out of The Croods. Also since he’s lived through basically all of history I think he would enjoy most period dramas as a reminder of all the things he’s seen that aren’t around anymore.

Humphrey would definitely enjoy period dramas set in the Tudor era. And he’d definitely be rooting for any character that he knows ends up getting their head cut off.

Fanny would definitely pretend to be offended by most period dramas set in her lifetime. We know she watched Titanic but disapproved of Jack and Rose so I can imagine she’d be constantly yelling about all the “inappropriate” things characters did. Also I can see her watching the film of An Inspector Calls and enjoying it while completely not realising that it’s a dig at the upper class, which she is a member of.

I don’t think Mary would enjoy watching films set when she was alive, especially not ones involving witch trials. Since she hasn’t even started to unpack her trauma from her life and death yet I don’t think being reminded of it in that way would be very good for her.

Thank you for sending me this ask! This was very fun to think about and also tested my ability to remember what period dramas I’ve seen.

[squishmallow36]

Good Evening, My People up in the Chandeliers

Word count: 4.8k

Tw: Swearing, alcohol mention

(It's called Fitz is angry and I didn't feel like censoring him)

Kotlc AU where Sophie's either living in elfland or living with humans I have no clue but Fitz is a Foxfire valedictorian and Dex inevitably creates a trap remix of his speech.

Credit for the AU goes to @synonymroll648

On AO3 (https://archiveofourown.org/works/36400201 hopefully the link works) or below the cut

Fitz fidgets with his sleeve, waiting off to the side of the crystalline stage as Magnate Leto drones on for an extraordinarily long amount of time about his hopes and dreams for the graduating class’s future before finally saying, “Now that I’ve kept you long enough, I would like to introduce someone who needs no introduction, the top of your class, Fitz Vacker.”

Magnate Leto steps aside as Fitz climbs up the stairs to take his place at the podium without tripping over any of the cords nobody bothered to tape down.

Magnate Leto departs the stage on the opposite side, walking around the back while Fitz pulls out a thick stack of index cards and takes a breath.

“Good evening, my fellow graduates. Over our last six years here at Foxfire, we have learned a lot. Sir Harding taught us how to levitate, or, more accurately, fall from mildly concerning heights. Lady Galvin taught us how to turn a rose into iron. And how to do it very wrong. And Dame Alina taught us how to avoid getting in trouble when we skip class or melt a table.”

Fitz pauses, smiling. He’s trying to strike a balance between formal and entertaining, but a few illegible bullet points makes that a bit more difficult than usual.

He continues, “All of this knowledge will no doubt be valuable as we go forward in life. But I think that the most important thing that we have learned over the last six years is how to fake it until you make it.”

He sat for over an hour trying to come up with something important enough to tell everyone in his graduating class. This was the best he could do.

“Over the next few minutes, I’d like to talk about what we’ve learned, the people we have to thank, and the people we have to remember. I told you that the most important thing that we learned was how to fake it until you make it.”

He takes a short pause for dramatic effect and fixes his eyes on the index cards.

“Let me give you just a couple of examples of what I’m talking about. I remember about a little more than a year and a half ago, Keefe decided to do his homework during lunch. It worked for a solid week until he got detention and it started a chain reaction of more detention that ended up breaking the school record. The one time he actually went to class, he got detention. It was great. But I don’t think there’s anyone in here who hasn’t forgotten some homework and had to do it at lunch. I know I have.” Fitz smiles.

“More recently, all of our Elvin History teachers decided to gang up on us earlier this year and we all had to write up speeches. Well, at least everyone I knew was complaining about it. The best part was that on the day of Rissa’s presentation, she just showed up and rambled about nothing for a solid class period because she didn’t feel like writing it down. After that, I’ve tried desperately to reduce the number of bullet points I use per presentation. It hasn’t worked. I’m reading this almost verbatim except for the incoherent scribbles from midnight last night when I actually wrote this whole thing down. And then, I heard this after like seven different people, so I’m sorry if it’s inaccurate. Once, Shayda tried to organize a rebellion with Siofra and a few others where they wanted to ban homework by refusing to do it. I wish it had worked.”

He takes his stack of index cards and lines them all up again against the podium.

“Next, I’d like to take a moment on behalf of myself and my fellow graduates to thank the people that have brought us here. Everyone here has different people in their lives, but I’d like to thank some of you that stood out most to me. First, I would like to thank my Mum, Della, who taught me how to stress bake. It’s gotten me through many exams when my eyes just couldn’t read History anymore. Next, I would like to thank my Dad--”

His voice cracks.

“--Alden for being the best role model anyone could ever ask for, showing me what it means to be an Emissary. Now, I would like to thank Keefe, my best friend, for teaching me all of the things I probably shouldn’t have learned, like how to get away with not doing my homework and prank people like my life depends on it. I’d also like to thank my sistaer Biana because ae kept me sane this past year. Although I’m not entirely sure how. I had to ask out, like, four different girls for aer. This term. Finally, I’d like to thank my brother Alvar, who was Keefe’s biggest role model and kept him sort of under control.”

Fitz smiles and takes a breath.

“Finally, I’d like to take a moment to remember our classmates and teachers who can’t be with us today. It wouldn’t be right to start with anyone but my father, Alden, whose mind broke earlier this year, as I’m sure you’ve all heard by now. He is exactly who I aspire to be someday.  I also apologize if I’ve been a little short with anyone recently. I don’t know all of you personally, but I know I’m not the only one who has lost a friend or family member during our time here. Regardless, we all miss Sir Astin. I didn’t have him as one of my Universe mentors, but Biana’s told me about his tendency to forget to assign homework. In addition to that, while they weren’t part of our school, I must mention our beloved Councillor Kenric Fathdon and Fintan Pyren. I’m sure you all remember the fire that burned down half of Eternalia. Finally, unless I’ve talked long enough for anything to change, Keefe is still in the Healing Centre.”

Fitz’s eyes find Elwin in the crowd, and his face falls subtly when there’s no good news. “I haven’t got a clue what’s happened, but he’s been in a coma since the beginning of the school year. If that hasn’t already gotten into the rumour mill, now it’ll be.”

He cringes slightly, knowing that it sounds like he wrote it late last night and just wanted it done, but recovers, saying, “So now we’re Foxfire graduates. And soon we’re going to be signing each others’ yearbooks and saying goodbye. Some of you will be continuing with me to the Elite levels. A few of you already have jobs lined up. At least one of you is planning on starting a restaurant, and I expect an invite when you open. Your Mum’s umber leaf soup is magnificent. A portion of you have no idea what you’ll be doing with your lives. What’s certain is that there will be hugs and tears. We’ll do our best to stay in touch. But we’ll be living our lives and doing our best.”

He flips over the last index card and concludes, “As a final thought going forward, I’d like to leave you with a quote from Keefe, who somehow always knows what to say. Especially when you want him to stop talking. He said, ‘Our family doesn’t decide who we are. Believe me, it drives my parents crazy.  And sometimes that’s the only thought that gets me through the day.’ These are our lives now, to do what we choose. Don’t forget that, and if you feel overwhelmed, just fake it until you make it. If Keefe’s taught me anything, most things take ninety percent less effort than it should. Thank you all.”

Magnate Leto starts climbing up the stairs as Fitz finishes his speech, and leads the school in a round of applause.

Fitz leaves the stage without a cue, and Magnate Leto makes a few final remarks before releasing everyone as graduates. The graduating class used to throw their caps in the air, but during the time of Dame Alina, everyone started throwing them at the principal.

Needless to say, no caps were allowed the next year.

Fitz takes a breath when he realizes he’s searching the shifting crowd for Keefe’s blond curls. It’s not like he’d have come willingly but the fact that he can’t be here still...there are no words.

Fitz’s blood boils, hands curling into useless fists. He knows there’s nothing he can do, and that’s the problem. There’s nothing he can do.

Everything was supposed to follow the script, but it all took a sharp left when Keefe fell into that coma.

He wishes he knew what happened, but it’s not as though Keefe can tell him, and Elwin has as much information as everyone else. Zero.

Fitz’s thoughts are interrupted by Biana trying to tackle him from behind, and he’s spent enough time playing bramble that he knows who it is immediately. And that there’s no fighting against aer.

Ae gets down after a second of hanging on to him, and says, “Nice job up there, Fitzipoo.”

“It wasn’t too depressing?”

“Yes, but you didn’t fall off the stage.”

“That was your criterion?”

“Yep. Come on, Mum’s made ripplefluffs for you and I don’t wanna wait any longer.”

“Like a Vanisher couldn’t have sneaked one.”

“She counted them.”

“I don’t know. It seems like you’ve not tried hard enough. Perhaps you just didn’t want to bother with creating a master plan. Or you didn’t want to be a bloody tosser for once.”

“You’re really trying to make me regret my life decisions, aren’t you?”

“That’s the hope.”

Around a week later, Fitz knocks his head on the wall he shares with Biana’s room. All these bedrooms in this place, and ae had to choose the one next to him.

“Biana!”

“What?” comes Biana’s answer.

“Why did you just send me this?”

By ‘this’, he means a recording of his valedictorian speech, remixed with a trap beat in the background.

“You haven’t seen it yet?”

“No shit, Sherlock.”

“Well, you’re welcome.”

He can feel his blood pressure start to rise in frustration.

“Do you know who made this?”

“No.”

Something about the tone makes Fitz think that Biana’s not being exactly forthcoming with what ae knows.

“Can you tell me anything at all? Maybe like who sent it to you, for starters.”

“I could…”

He lets his hopes get up for just a moment.

“...but what will you give me in return?”

And there they plummet once again.

He sighs. “What do you want?” He pauses before hastily adding, “Within reason.”

“So many things. But what will I ask you for this time?” Biana pauses, thinking for just a second as Fitz waits for his punishment. “I know! You’re gonna find out if Marella likes me.”

“Says the Vanisher.”

“Yes but I won’t have to do it.”

“And you want me to break the rules of telepathy because you have yet another crush.”

“I don’t care how you get an answer. That’s your problem.”

“Fine. I’ll just go up and ask her the next time I see her. It’s not like it’s the first time I’ve done this for you.”

“Again, that’s your problem.”

“Just give me an answer. Please.” Fitz begs.

“Marella sent it to me. That’s all I know. It’s highly likely she knows more.”

“I wonder why you asked me about her,” Fitz asks sarcastically, already pulling out his Imparter to text Marella.

Hey, do you know who created the remix of my speech?

Yeah, quickly comes her reply.

Are you willing to tell me or will this require bribery? he asks.

Well now that you mention it...

He rolls his eyes. What do you want?

She takes a second to consider before replying, Does your sistaer have a gf?

Ae literally just fucking asked me to find out if you liked aer to know who sent aer the video. Please for the love of stars if you go out with aer let it be longer than two dates.

So you think ae’d be willing?

Fitz knocks his head on the wall once again. “Biana! You’re going out with Marella. Text her to figure out when and where. I’m not going to be your messenger pigeon.”

He can hear squealing through the wall, and not for the first time.

Biana’ll be texting you soon so I’m going to ask now before the gay takes over. Who made the trap remix?

That was Dex.

Who?

You know, Dizznee.

That doesn’t help.

The Bad Match with the triplet siblings?

Oh. Yeah. Okay.

She pauses for a second. Thx for being the unwilling mediator between two lesbians.

Biana technically uses bi lesbian. Ae gets very defensive about that.

Oop sorry.

Be careful. I don’t want to clean up yet another breakup.

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

It’s not you. It’s this term’s track record. The odds aren’t exactly in your favour.

Marella doesn’t respond, and Fitz assumes Biana’s pulled aerself together just enough to send her a text.

Fitz shrugs and starts marching down to the Leapmaster to find that bloody git Dex Dizznee.

Standing outside Slurps and Burps, Fitz clenches his teeth, trying to rein in his anger before he accidentally breaks something.

He tries to take in a shaky breath before swinging open the door, ready to ask whoever is at the register where he can find Dex.

He realizes then that it might have been helpful to ask Marella for a description, but at this point, it’s too late.

Fitz’s gaze falls on the smiling boy behind the counter, maybe a little younger than he is, with strawberry blond hair, periwinkle eyes, a gazillion freckles, and unfairly cute dimples.

He looks up, smile faltering, and Fitz asks, “Pardon me. Do you happen to know where I can find Dex?”

“Xe’s right here,” he--xe--answers, rolling xor eyes and sighing. “What do you want?”

“I’d like to know why you fucking remixed my valedictorian speech.”

“Why fucking not?” xe counters.

Fitz’s teeth grind and he can’t form words for a solid two seconds. “Do you enjoy contributing to dragging the Vacker name through the mud?”

“Oh puh-lease. One tiny speck of dust on your shining reputation and you throw a hissy fit.”

“I’ll have you know that reputation goes back a thousand years! Not like you’d understand that, though.”

Blood rushes to xor cheeks. “You really are a haestehen. Clearly you’ve no idea who I am but somehow you know I’m the son of a Bad Match. That was low, even for your highness.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Like you aren’t fully aware that you’ve always thought of yourself as better than everyone else.”

“That’s--what right does that give you?”

Xe snorts. “Not even gonna argue. And I really don’t give a shit what you think about the remix. And, anyway, it’s the most publicity a valedictorian speech has gotten since Dame Alina got into the Fizzleberry Wine right after she tried to stop your parents’ wedding and walked off the edge of the stage. I thought you’d love that attention.”

“Thanks for that reminder,” Fitz snaps sarcastically.

“You’re welcome. I do what I can,” Dex replies, even more sarcastically.

“You really don’t give a shit about anything, do you?”

“I’ve given up trying to please you Vackers a long time ago. At least maybe this time you’ll remember that I exist.”

“And what do you mean by that?”

“I see you all the time around Foxfire. But your majesty has never even bothered to remember that. I splotched Biana during our first year, for stars’ sake!”

Fitz stops for a moment, trying to dredge up some shred of that memory.

“I was right, wasn’t I?” Dex snorts.

Fitz refuses to give xem any satisfaction. “That’s not my problem.”

“That sounds like a yes to me,” xe mutters.

“Is that why you hate me so much?”

“Pretty much. It’s not personal.” Xe shrugs.

“Hating me isn’t personal?” Fitz deadpans.

“I blame mostly your father. He seemed like an ass. I’m pretty sure responsible for at least ninety percent of this mindset.”

“Well, your father is Talentless. So I really don’t give a shit what you think.”

“Then fucking leave! Or did you forget where the door was?” Dex exclaims, marching out from behind the counter, fists balled.

Fitz takes two steps back.

“I’m not leaving until you stop sharing the remix.”

“That won’t help, dipshit. I sent it to Marella and haven’t seen it since.”

“Then tell her to stop sharing it!”

“Give me one good reason.”

“Common courtesy?” Fitz suggests.

Dex just looks at him, saying so many things without words. Most of them seem to be ‘fuck you’.

Fitz rolls his eyes before sighing. “Ever since my Dad...you know…” He pauses, waiting for Dex to argue. “There’ve been whispers about how us Vackers aren’t as….”

Fitz stops, searching for the word he wants, and Dex supplies, “Special?”

It’s close enough. “...as everyone thought we were.”

Dex snorts once again. “Welcome to my world. Although most aren’t nice enough to limit it to just whispers. You’ll stop caring soon enough, though.”

“What if I don’t want to stop caring.”

“Nobody gives a shit what you want, Wonderboy. They just give a shit about what they want, and occasionally those line up.”

“I refuse to be that pessimistic.”

“What it is is realistic. People are assholes.”

“Do you have any faith in Elvenkind?” Fitz asks honestly, brows drawing together.

Dex smirks in a distinctly un-Keefe way. “Why the fuck should I? I’m sure the only reason Marella was willing to share your favourite remix was because I sent it anonymously. Ever since everyone found out I’m gay, even she won’t talk to me. And she talks to Drooly Boys. That isn’t a very high bar and yet somehow I’m below it.”

“I don’t think it’s personal.”

Xe tilts his head and Fitz feels his heart stutter for half a beat. He shifts imperceptibly forward against his better judgement.

“My hatred of you and your entire family is personal, but it isn’t when applied to me?”

“You couldn’t have chosen to be the son of a Bad Match and you couldn’t have chosen to be gay.”

“Nobody can choose their family, you included. And I could’ve stayed in the closet. But someone sounds like he has some experience in that area.”

Fuck. “Biana is a bi lesbian if you’ve forgotten.”

“How can I? Everyone worships aer for that while I just get disgusted looks.”

“You were the reason ae figured out ae was a bi lesbian. Ae learned about you, had a gay crisis for a few weeks and...here we are.”

“You look like you want to say something else,” Dex says, and it’s not like Fitz can escape xor periwinkle gaze.

“This cannot be told to anyone else. If it does, I won’t hesitate to erase that memory. I don’t have much practice, so I’ll probably wipe out half of your brain in the process.”

Dex smiles, revealing those dimples. “You’re gay.”

“What the--? How did you--,” Fitz takes a breath before he further embarasses himself by rambling all pver the place. “Technically I’m using bi at the moment but close enough.”

“That’s why you’ve got such a problem with me, isn’t it? You hate that you’re bi because of Elvin heteronormativity and you blame me.”

“Why is it so wrong for me to want a wife and a kid or two just like my Dad? Why do guys insist on being so freaking cute? If you could all just stop, it would be greatly appreciated.”

Dex blushes, and Fitz realises that he included xem in this request. But he doesn’t refute it.

“Sorry if you don’t vibe with the term guys. I’m not very good at that filter yet.”

“It’s fine. I use he/him and xe/xem so you can use whatever traditionally masc terms you want. Honestly, half the school uses it/its despite trying to explain that that's a very bad, so I don’t really care anymore.”

Oh you can bet I’m going to pull so many strings that won’t happen again. That’s one of the nice things about having so much attention directed at you. When you tell Biana to start aggressively correcting people, they listen. Ae got them to listen to aer.

Fitz takes a small step forward. “That’s…horrible.”

“Like I said, I don’t care anymore. I’ve got a pair of headphones blasting music and an ability to avoid conversation like no other.”

“You shouldn’t have to deal with that though.”

“Do you have a better idea?”

“I’ll see what I can do. Biana can be very persuasive.”

“Lemme guess. In exchange for that, you want me to tell Marella to stop sharing the Valedictorian speech?”

“There’s a lot of things that I’d use to trade for what I want. Arseholes not misgendering someone isn’t one of them. That being said…”

Dex pulls out his Imparter, and types something quickly on there before saying, “There you go. I changed the permissions on the file. If your sistaer or someone else saved it and continues sending it around, that’s not my problem.”

With that, Fitz can’t think of anything else to bother Dex about so he mumbles a goodbye before leaving hastily, knowing if he stays there too long on amicable terms, his web of lies, especially the ones to himself, might start to unravel.

Stars, why does xe have to be so fucking cute?

Fitz forgets about that entire interaction by shoving the memory aside as much as he possibly can until Biana insists on making him go to Slurps and Burps to restock aer alchemy supplies for some reason before school starts back up again.

Ae did get Galvin for Alchemy Five, so you can’t exactly blame aer.

When Fitz finally gives in to aer demands, he’s stuck somewhere in the middle of dreading it with every fibre of his being and disproportionately excited. This is directly being caused by the thought of seeing Dex again.

He arrives at the store as Stina is leaving, and she gives Fitz a smile. Normally he wouldn’t have taken note of that, but there’s something there that doesn't seem right.

Well, more than usual. Stina’s always been a little off, but until now, Fitz has mostly written it off as just her being a bitch. A fact that Maruca refuses to see. Biana’s a little less blind to it, but Fitz thinks the gay is still getting in the way a little bit.

Now that he’s thinking about it, Fitz doesn’t think Stina’s ever actually used Biana’s ae/aer pronouns. Just avoided them like the gnomish plague once she got tired of being corrected.

Fitz opens the door, and when he sees the strawberry blond-haired boy behind the counter once again, he smiles involuntarily. “Hey, Dex.”

Dex raises a suspicious eyebrow, and Fitz doesn’t blame xem. The last time he was in here, he was pretty angry. “What can I do for you today?”

“Just some back to school shopping. Biana’s got Galvin this year.”

Dex makes a thoughtful sound and says, “She always gives a massive list. Do you want me to help find the stuff in here? I basically have this place memorized.”

“You wouldn’t mind?”

“I don’t exactly have anything better to do.”

Halfway down the list, Fitz has to ask, “Do you happen to know where the oil of vitriol is off the top of your head?”

“Seriously? Galvin’s asking for that?”

Fitz shows xem the paper.

Dex takes a second to process. “That’s not exactly a safe chemical. I’ve got it in the back but we should probably leave it for last. It enjoys burning through glass bottles.”

“And what about aqua tofani?”

“Okay...clearly Galvin has lost it. That’s in the back too. What’s next? Chlorine trifluoride? Azidoazide azide? Alkahest? A whole block of Polonium?”

“Aqua vitae.”

Dex points to a shelf without hesitation. “Right there. Pro tip: don’t set that on fire. Trust me. Very flammable.”

After a dozen or so more dangerous chemicals, Fitz reads off, “Last one. A crap ton of Bismuth.”

Dex brushes against Fitz’s arm, to check the actual amount, and the light touch brings goose pimples to his arms.

Fitz flinches away, more mad at himself than anything else.

Dex, thankfully, doesn’t notice, giving Fitz the bismuth, and saying, “Here you go. I’m going to go get the oil of vitriol and aqua tofani. Don’t break anything while I’m gone.”

Xor voice carries a teasing edge and Fitz doesn’t really know how to react, but he makes sure he doesn’t touch anything.

He doesn’t need Dex to be mad at him. Not when they’re finally on kind-of-okay terms.

But he does want to know where all the stuff is stored. For no real reason.

Dex is back in half a second, and Fitz has absolutely no clue how he knows where everything is so easily.

“How do you have this whole place memorized?”

“Spend a week here and tell me you won’t start remembering where things are. But it is kind of Exileish when your siblings come in here and decide to reorganize everything and then you have to go fix it and it takes for-fucking-ever. No, I’m not bitter.”

“So there is some form of organization in this place?”

“Of course. Acids on the left. Bases on the right. Pure elements in the middle. Neutral compounds will be closer to the door and pH gets more extreme as you head towards the register. So I can keep an eye on them better or something. I think it’s more likely for people waiting in line to knock over a shelf the closer it is to me but, hey, what do I know?”

“A lot apparently. I’m lucky those words even sound familiar.”

“Are you taking Alchemy this year?”

“Exile no. I barely survived the normal levels.”

“Says the top of the class.”

“That’s entirely because I studied my arse off and still got a ninety-three. Nearly lost my spot because of it.”

“Well, let me know if Biana’s willing to accept any help. Ae’s gonna have one Exile if a year with Galvin and I don’t want you destroying half of Everglen. We’ve patched so many holes in the ceiling here, I doubt any original is left.”

Fitz looks up and sees a patchwork of large, slightly different-toned spots covering the whole ceiling. It’s a mottled combination of chemical exposure, different ages of plaster, and a bit of ivory here, a dash of eggshell there, and a messy brush of cream down the centre.

“I’ll let you know.” He nods.

With that, Fitz starts to leave, but a few paces away from the door, he hesitates before turning back.

He looks like he wants to just turn around and forget whatever he wanted to ask.

“Dex?”

“Yeah?” xe replies with considerably less sass than he could have had.

“Would you…maybe…be willing to go out with me? Maybe get some custard bursts? I know this stall in Atlantis that makes the best ones by far.”

Dex flushes nuclear red. With a shaky voice, xe asks, “Do you really want that?”

“Well, I wouldn’t have asked otherwise,” Fitz replies, taking a step closer.

“What...what would your Dad think?”

Fitz flinches but doesn’t hesitate before saying, “You sound like you’re trying to be nice while turning me down.”

“That’s--no. I just don’t think you’ve thought this through. I’m a Dizznee, remember.”

Fitz pauses for a second. “Do you see me running away screaming?”

“Maybe not today. But what about tomorrow? Or the day after that? Or next week?”

Taking another step forward, Fitz says, “Why should I give a fuck about what might happen tomorrow. Exile, my mind might break tomorrow. Or in a few millennia. I can’t let that dictate every single decision I’ll ever make.”

Dex considers for a moment, his face softening as xor walls crumble. “As long as this isn’t a banshee shit prank setup, I’d be willing to go.”

Fitz smiles. “I’ll look at my schedule and text you what times I’m free because I have no clue what I’m doing this week.”

“Honestly, same. I never have a clue what my hours here are more than maybe a day in advance. If I do say that I’m working here when you’re free, it’s not just my attempt to escape from plans. If I can find any sort of schedule to screenshot, I’ll send it to you.”

“Cool. I guess...I’ll see you later then.” Fitz nods.

“Bye! And for the love of the stars, please don’t drink the oil of vitriol.”

“I’ll do my best.” Fitz says, as he leaves.

The door closes behind him, and a tidal wave of emotions, both excited and terrified rush up to fill its place.

Stars, he’s cute.