#(which they also kinda threw under the bus in some of their responses to people going 'hey maybe don't talk like that??')

[sol1loqu1st]

ok can i be honest with you guys for a second. i know i said that i was gonna mostly keep the plurality shit to myself because i feel like it's pretty private and currently really tangled with cptsd and i just don't want plurality to be like. The Thing People Associate Me With, but after talking with my therapist about it and kind of coming to the conclusion that yeah, that probably is what's going on with me, i'm realizing that i have a whole lot of shame and fear mixed up in it too and a Semi-Popular Blogger(tm) (not naming names but like. yeah) recently published a long post out of nowhere complaining about how they could never be friends with plural people because they feel like they've been Pulled Into Somebody's Groupchat Drama and like i keep playing that in my head and feel like i'm going to lose all my friends if i don't make sure to keep it to myself. i feel like i'm finally figuring something out about myself and what's going on with me, but it's something that is judged and mocked by literally everyone, including otherwise perfectly nice people, and i'm honestly really scared that if i were to be even a little open about it, i would start to get dms from friends asking to cut things off or letting me know that they couldn't deal with me right now or whatever, even if it turned out that Embracing It(tm) and being a bit more open about it is like, a healthy step in the right direction. like i'm terrified i'm gonna lose people under the guise of "i can't be friends with a groupchat" even if the way i interact with people wouldn't change at all aside from *maybe* occasionally mentioning that it's a different alter than usual

[rogerbarel]

Triple-Layer Cake/A Half-Baked Trey Clover Ramble

I've done this rant in more private places but am finally putting it on tumblr. This is going to be its third rewrite (if you count the time I did it as a fifty-tweet thread on yumepriv, which I'm not sure you should), but it is probably not any more cohesive since that isn't my strong suit. I'm basically throwing possible motivations for Trey's behavior at a wall and seeing what sticks. I also still don't know if I'm cooking, stating what everybody already knows, or am drawing completely unreasonable conclusions unsupported by the text. Nonetheless, I scream into the void once again. Actual material under the cut.

contains spoilers for EN-unreleased birthday vignettes

A while back, before I was even on tumblr again, this screenshot of a tumblr post about fandom misinterpreting a character in the exact way that character would want to be misinterpreted was floating around. And it made me think of Trey because approximately 50% of things do. For as long as I've been adjacent to the fandom, there's been this whole debate on how much of his "responsible big brother" image is deliberate/fake vs how much of it is genuine.

And I don't know if I like that more either/or approach to him. Trey's like Shrek. An ogre. An onion. He's got layers. But he's also a baker, and cakes are sexier than onions, so I'm opting for the more thematically appropriate analogy even if it doesn't work as well as far as visibility goes. (Although I suppose you might taste the layers separately/in order.) I'm honestly just being stubborn with this analogy. Bear with me, please.

Everybody sees his nurturing top layer, both in- and out-of-universe. But beneath that, he's a little selfish and vindictive. There's no denying this based on how he capitalizes on any chance to incur a favor as well as his preferences for revenge over forgiveness (see: wanting to watch Savanaclaw get their asses handed to them after his injury, making his underclassmen eat their cataclysmic cake after they insulted his work, Doodle Suiting his upperclassmen's cakes to be ultra spicy after they threw him under the bus as a freshman). He even admits to Epel that he's not a good person. He knows what he is.

But the way he does it has always sat oddly with me. It seems like overkill. Unnecessary. Why not let people think well of him? It reminds me of Vil's labwear vignette where he downplays his skills. He gives a too-quick protest that Vil suspects is part of an intentional image of humility. In that case, insisting that he has bad traits is just showing that he has another trait people tend to like (modesty). It's not like Epel responds to Trey's self-effacement by saying, "Oh, you really must be kinda shitty if you say so!" So I think this modesty contributes to his super average "everyguy" image as well as lightly dissuades people from thinking he's too good or reliable. No "You can count on me!" hero volunteering.

If he seems too nice, like Neige, folks might become suspicious and start playing closer attention to him, especially at a school like NRC. They may either want to see him finally snap and show what he's "really" like (to be fair, I also want to see him snap), or they may look for a way to take advantage of him. And he has enough on his plate as is!! Can't have more people who think he can shoulder it all. Trey needs to be unremarkable, so he needs to remind people that he has flaws besides his taste in hats, even if he rarely lets them show. (More on why they don't show in a bit.)

I think my reading diverges from some others' (at least those I've seen in the twt circles I inhabit) here: Even with all his vindictive tendencies, he's still deeply devoted to his loved ones. I don't think it's accurate to say that the cruel, manipulative Trey is the "real" Trey, or at least the whole real Trey. It's just a part of him. The care that he shows for Riddle, his siblings, and the named Heartslabyul characters is largely genuine.

He can act selfishly, don't get me wrong. It bugs me when people forget that. He's been dismissive toward Cater in favor of Riddle (moreso in EN than JP), and he subtly and not-so-subtly manipulates people for his benefit and the group's benefit multiple times. But it's not necessarily because he sees them as tools or playthings, which is a reading I've seen a surprising amount of times. (That being said, it is a fun one if you're exaggerating a character's villainous traits! I think he could treat someone like this under the right circumstances. You could write Trey with more of this quality, and it could be believable. But I don't think it cancels out his ability to care for people entirely.) It's just something he thinks is at least somewhat acceptable to do to others, even his loved ones. Maybe he rationalizes it. Maybe he can't help but find a little pleasure in playing with him, no matter how much we cares. If we can accept that Jade shows Floyd and Azul love through his desire to put them through an emotional saw trap, it's not too far-fetched to suggest that Trey's definition of love allows for manipulation or desire to see someone cry. He can rationalize lying to them for the sake of stability or not letting them know about his own desires. I also think that the internal conflict between "I care for these people deeply" and "I will still manipulate them" is more likely to drive him to admit that he's not a good person than not caring for them at all. Seems like a bad strategic move to admit that if you're really just using them as playthings.

Trey doesn't always know the best way to support his loved ones (understandable! How many of us struggle with this far into adulthood?) and thus conflates the stability they need with an unrocked boat. He doesn't recognize that a situation like Riddle's is inherently unstable and always will be if nothing changes. He, at least at first, seems to believe that the shitty situation you know is better than risking it all and potentially losing everything. He knows that he's failing Riddle, but what can he do? From Trey's perspective, he is a large part of the reason--if not the reason--that Riddle was locked away from the world once. What if he fucks it up again? What if he loses Riddle forever this time? (I think this history and fear is also one that keeps him from trying to close the distance between himself and Cater.)

Convincing himself that he's a bad person (which seems like a needlessly heavy judgment for the fairly mild pettiness we've seen from him in the text) might also soften the blow if things do go wrong. This way, he can convince himself that he didn't care as much as people assume he did. Love doesn't go into the things he does, or so he says. (It's even more questionable since he directly contradicts this statement in his alchemy dialogue. What is the truth, Trey Nicole Clover?)

So, to bring it all back around to the Trey cake, I think his bottom layer is anxious. And tired. Not in a way that is consistently, consciously anxious. Don't write him up a Prozac prescription yet. He's internalized these ideas that he shouldn't be noticeable, because when he does noticeable things, they go very wrong. His purpose is to keep people's lives running smoothly. So he sends those caregiving tendencies into overdrive. He's got it covered, he doesn't need more to cover, and hat's all anybody really needs to know about him. Even that is a bit too much sometimes.

Based on how Trey talks about his family, I don't think he was neglected or super duper parentified, but he doesn't talk much at all about things that they've done for him in comparison to how often he talks about what he's done for them (cooking when his parents' work took precedence, sewing his siblings' Halloween costumes, getting Magift tickets for his brother). He never shows any bitterness about it, and I think their relationship is genuinely pretty okay. No resentment there. But it is noticeavle, and he also won't even be straightforward about what he wants for himself on events where he is expected to want. He says he's joking after requesting that other people take on his chores for the day on his birthday; he uses indirect rather than direct methods to persuade Riddle to get a food processor for Heartslabyul during Starsending. Dude, you probably could have just asked.

I think Trey has this idea that he doesn't need to (or at least shouldn't) ask for anything. If I reach reeeeeeeealllll hard, I could say that one of our biggest examples of Trey wanting and pursuing something as a child--Riddle's friendship--clearly traumatized Riddle, and it had a massive impact on Trey, too. So Trey learns not to want, or at least not to be SEEN wanting.

Is this why he wants to seem so average, unremarkable, modest in others' eyes? Because wanting something is dangerous, even if it's just recognition? Just how much did the loss of one his best friends as a child fuck him up? He might not even recognize the mental association he makes; lots of people don't until they've done a lot of really intentional work about that. He just says it's easier this way, to be a cog in everybody else's lives. And it is, to some extent, but it's also deeply frustrating and exhausting. (I'd like to see more interactions between him and Jamil, who also hides his true potential, and very clearly suffers for it.)

So I think some of Trey's middle layer pettiness--not all of it, since his birthday vignettes show that he's been a bit of a troll ever since he was a kid--comes from the tension between his visible "caretaker" layer and his ultra-hidden "appreciation would be nice" layer. He reminds me a little bit of a mom who occasionally wants to snap because she feels like she does everything, and everybody just takes it for granted. He's not all "let daddy take care of you kitten," but he's not all cruel and calculating, either. And he might be less vindictive (but no less of a prankster) if he felt appreciated, but he's never going to tell anybody that he wants that. (There's a nonzero chance that he finds openly craving emotional validation somewhat too feminine for him because he's one of the only characters to comment on something being embarrassing "as a man," the other being Epel obvs, and I, like many others, have zeroed in on what this could mean about his feelings on masculinity overall in comparison to other chars. Some people think he's a straight up closet malicious misogynist, but I doubt it. That's a whole other conversation, though, which would probably run entirely on vibes.)

Does he even recognize that he's got a third layer to his Cake of the Self any time other than when Kalim semi-inadvertently calls him out? Or does he consciously push down the desire to be apprecaited? Is it painful? How painful? Does he want a break, or just acknowledgement? Does he feel like the desire to be a caretaker can't coexist with the desire to be gifted a break, to be the one taken care of for once?

This has been really really all over the place, and I apologize for that, but it just really gets my goat when people don't consider that third layer. "Trey is just a shitty guy who doesn't experience attachment or empathy (and goes out of his way to say the things he does aren't about love and then contradicts himself later) or guilt and simply feigns kindness" feels too easy. Like another thing he'd be happy to let others believe so that he can continue to hide something else. And I, in my delulu heart of hearts, think that "something else" is desire and the fear of it.

I'm currently divided on if I think the boys' dream bubbles represent their wants or just what Malleus thinks they would want, but either way, I'm hoping Trey's dream will give us a little more insight into his head. And if I was wrong about all of this, then I'll go sleep under the bed for a while and cry about how much of the fic-that-only-exists-in-my-head must be rewritten, but at least we'll have some answers. Oh Heartslabyul, I miss you so.

[tim-hoe-wan]

In your honest opinion, why do so many people dislike Meghan Markle? I'm not even talking about the disgusting far right and the monarchist, just in general a lot of people find her unlikeable. Even my friends who I think are pretty level headed don't hate her but did say they don't exactly like her.

There's not one single all encompassing answer to this question. She doesn't deserve the level of hatred and vitriol she receives, but she's completely harmless. Even if you do have valid reasons to dislike her, it isn't worth it to dwell on it. I also can't believe she gets the vitriol and Harry barely gets any considering how genuinely stupid and entitled he is. That said from what I can observe here are some reasons:

Misogyny and racism. Internalized misogyny is real. But what's even worst is misogynoir. God forbid a black woman ever tries to step up or defend herself, cause people will be unforgiving, just take a look at Meg. Even if you have valid reasons to dislike her, you can't deny she is a victim of relentless bullying and misogynoir.

She's an enemy of the royal family but not the monarch itself. This is genuinely one of my gripes about them. They are obviously monarchist and have no issues with the royals who treated them nicely. Like ok, so you are willing to criticize the monarch now but let's save Lizzie cause she's nice to you? You still want your kids to have titles?

Lying or plain ignorance? From the Oprah interview onwards, there's just a lot of things easily debunked that you don't know anymore if these two are liars. Why their children won't get the titles, Charles supporting them, the Mandela comment etc. I mean, surely at least Harry knows these things could easily be explained or debunked, but it really doesn't help to give them sympathy.

The Cut Interview. This was actually the one that made me annoyed with them cause she chose the journalist, there was nothing wrong with the interview, yet Meghan threw the journalist under the bus for some reason. Same goes with the netflic doc. Even before it was released, they threw the creators they handpicked under the bus. These two seem to want all praise and everything about them glowing cause The Cut interview was handpicked and was a very good piece.

Those two are truly lacking in self-awareness and have a high opinion of themselves. In this era you'd find it very hard to sympathize with rich people. Especially when these two complain about things that make them sound plain entitled. Just get a regular job Harry. My dad also mentioned recently that Harry's gripes kinda remind him of Andrew trying to assert him and his children as part of the royal budget.

Speaking of which, those two or maybe just Harry, are close to Andrew. By default of course a lot of people would find that an issue. They're willing to talk against Willy, but nothing on Lizzie and Andrew? Come on Harry if William was the one who made a racist comment just say it. You'd look less ridiculous.

Tax payers money. My grandparents favorite gripe. Again you just don't know if they're lying or ignorant. Of course the people don't want to pay for your security if you're no longer "working" royals. Not even giving your children titles will save you as exhibited by Lizzie's less favored children and grandchildren.

She really is an ugly American. You know how everyone hated Emily's attitude in Emily in Paris? Like how Americans act like they're better? Like how Americans can find other culture and other people's rules as ridiculous? Yeah Meghan is like that. Even if I don't mind her disrespecting royal protocol, I mean sometimes her response come off as she has some messiah complex meant to change to system and it does seem she really believes that. But again, we don't want to change the system. We want to abolish it altogether.

My friends really love mocking how she still signs herself as the Duchess of Sussex. From my British friends, it's ironic and hypocritical and just shows in the end they're not your allies. From my American friends, it's ridiculous cause Hamilton is right there to remind you George Washington kicked them out so we don't have to care about these titles anymore.

It's a play of narrative. A lot of their words and actions seem to be they're the protagonist and Willy and Kate, not Lizzie or Charles, are the antagonist. I have no doubt the royal family is an antagonist. I just don't think Meghan and Harry are worthy protagonist at all. Sometimes I'm just waiting for Harry to say he should be heir instead.

Those are what I can think off. In the end I think it's valid to dislike or get annoyed with any person or celebrity. But I do not think Meghan has done anything to receive the level of vitriol and hatred that she is receiving in the daily. They're so easy to ignore and overall way too harmless that if you spend time getting so riled up at Meghan (not Harry, I won't defend his ass), I personally think that's a you problem.

[touyasdoll]

Dumb Luck

From anon: Hi, I've had a shitty few days with terrible luck and I hoping a request for you could make things better. Just a simple Shoto x reader story where the reader regards Shoto as her/their lucky charm, because he makes them feel less cursed and actually valuable. (I'm really venting here, but I hope this gets your inspiration flowing, it doesn't have to be very long.)

Word count: 2.3k

A/n: I’m so sorry that it took so long to get to, but I hope you enjoy and I hope things are going well for you, anon 🖤

———————————

“All right, class, we have a new student. I trust that you will all make her feel welcome.”

Your new home room teacher was addressing the entirety of Class 1A, but he kept his intimidating gaze squarely fixed on a shorter looking boy with purple balls atop his head, who was clearly squirming under Aizawa’s stare.

Making a mental note to avoid whoever that boy was, you scanned the room to peer out at the faces of your new classmates. They all looked nice, save for one blonde boy who’s face seemed to be permanently transfixed in a scowl.

Maybe you should avoid him too? And that’s when you saw the most handsome face you had ever laid eyes on for the very first time. His hair was two-toned, red and white. His eyes were also heterochromatic and one was framed with a large scar, but both seemed to gleam as he offered a gentle smile toward you.

“Go ahead and introduce yourself and then feel free to take your seat at the back of the class next to Todoroki."

That’s when you noticed the empty seat next to him. You cleared your throat, trying to fight off the blush that was creeping across your cheeks.

"Hi, my name is Y/n. I'm looking forward to getting to know you all."

You smiled as you took in some more of your new classmates faces, feeling reassured by the bright smile on the face of a green haired boy who just might have been an actual cinnamon roll in disguise.

"What's your quirk?"

Your attention was called to a girl with horns and pink skin, who also offered a reaffirming smile in your direction.

"Oh, uhm, I have a telekinesis quirk."

Tucking some hair behind your ear, you shifted on your feet as you were about to take a step toward your assigned seat when another male student with bright red hair called out.

"What? That's so manly! I mean--not that you're--that's not what i meant, you're really pretty actually I--," he scratched at the back of his neck, his face flushing the same shade as his crimson hair. "I mean can we see your quirk? If that's okay with you?"

Aizawa sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose as he took a seat at his desk, shaking his head at the awkward exchange that he would rather just not acknowledge.

You laughed it off and blushed in response to the red head's compliment.

"Uh, yeah, if that's okay?"

Looking over at your teacher, he exhaled and nodded, his stoic expression returning to his persistently tired features.

"Oh, and uh pick a number between 1 and 10,000"

Setting your bag down, you nodded toward the boy and watched him bare his sharp teeth as he momentarily paused to think and then nodded in response to your request.

"Okay, I got it."

Maintaining eye contact with him, you focused on his thoughts while activating your quirk to lift his backpack off of his seat, guiding it toward the front of the room with your hands, before returning it to it's rightful place.

"Whoa! That's so cool!"

He grinned in awe as he watched his backpack settle behind him once again.

"Y/n?" The green haired boy had his hand up, looking perplexed, but also so polite as he waited for your attention. "Why did you have him pick a number?"

You smiled as you physically picked up your bag, slinging it back over your shoulder.

"Oh, because there's kinda two parts to my quirk, but actually, could you pick a number? I don't know if I wanna repeat the one he picked."

You watched the red head blush as he shrunk back in his desk, before glancing back at Todoroki, who eyes were still intent on your frame.

"You can tell Todoroki for confirmation, so you know I'm not faking."

He perked up a bit at the sound of you saying his name, the corners of his lips turning up in a shy smile before he leaned over, so that the boy could whisper his number in his ear.

"Got it?"

You smiled at Todoroki, his small smile making your stomach do flips before you found the will to look away from him and back and the other boy.

After a moment of concentration, you announced your guess.

"4,389. Right?"

His green eyes went wide and an excited smile broke across his freckled cheeks.

"Whoa, are you psychic? Telekinesis AND telepathy? That's so awesome! Oh my gosh, can I ask you some questions after class, so I can write some not--

You nodded, blushing a bit at his enthusiasm. You've always enjoyed your quirk, but no one had ever reacted quite as energetically to it and the rest of the class seemed almost as amazed as him.

"Wait, what was Kirishima's number?"

The perpetually angry looking blonde boy's face twisted in curiosity as you moved to take your seat.

"It was uh, six thousand, nine hundred sixty-nine. Right?"

Your voice was barely above a whisper as your quickly scurried toward your desk, not missing the deep shade of red Kirishima had turned before the blonde boy smacked his arm with the back of his hand.

"Is there some significance to that number?"

Todoroki's gaze followed you as you took your seat beside him, ignoring the laughter that had erupted throughout the classroom, much to Aizawa's chagrin.

"Oh, uh, yeah it's uh--I don't quite know how to explain it though. Uhm," fidgeting in your seat, you slung your bag over your chair before turning somewhat sideways, angling yourself in your seat to face him, keeping your voice low. "Do you not know why the number 69 is significant?"

His expression seemed to only grow more puzzled as he cocked his head further to one side.

"No. I can understand why 6,969 would be significant, seeing as it's 69 repeated, but I don't see why that number i--"

A boy with yellow hair, striped in the front with a bit of black leaned over, interrupting Todoroki's query.

Suddenly, his eyes grew a bit wider and he nodded slightly, the faintest hint of a blush creeping up on his cheeks.

"Oh, I see. Okay. I can see why that would be funny.”

His smile was small and somewhat reserved, but it was adorable and the sight of it made you giggle.

"Yeah, that's why I didn't wanna go with his number. Didn't want anyone to think that I was a perv or playing a gross joke or something. I'm not trying to start off on the wrong foot here."

He cocked his head slightly to the side again, turning somewhat in his desk the way you had to better face you.

"Well, I think you have made a good first impression. I like you."

Your cheeks may as well have gone up in flames, you could tell they were beet red.

"Oh, uhm, thank you, Todoroki."

Clearing your throat again, you hoped the excess color would drain from your cheeks in the time you took to stare at the floor beneath your desk.

"You can call me Shoto."

His hand awkwardly extended toward you after a brief pause, flashing in front of the view you had of your feet beneath your desk.

You reached out and shook it carefully, feeling an icy coolness in your palms that you were grateful for as you felt your hands clam up.

"It's really nice to meet you, Shoto. You're uhm, you're so much nicer than anyone I ever interacted with at my last school, so uh, thank you for that."

His brow furrowed in confusion as you both retracted your hands.

"What do you mean? They weren't nice to you? Why?"

You shrugged shifting your weight to rest your elbow on the desk, accidentally knocking your unprotected cell phone straight off the desk, which mercifully landed on top of Shoto's bag, which had fallen to the floor, no doubt saving your phone from what would have been a thoroughly cracked screen.

"Oh--! Oh, wow, I thought that was going to end up broken for sure. That would have been my just my luck."

"Maybe your luck is changing. I hope your experience here at UA is different than it was at your previous school. I'll do my best to make your time here more positive."

His smile was somewhat sheepish, but genuine and for the first time in a long time, you felt comfortable around your peers. Maybe transferring schools was a good idea after all.

//Two Weeks Later//

"Dang it!" You huffed as your hurriedly threw your books into your backpack, scrambling to get up from the desk in the library.

Shoto calmly looked up at you in your frenzied state and stood, beginning to pack up his things as well.

"Where are we going?"

Throwing your bag over your shoulders, you nabbed the last of your books off the desk and made a move to start toward the door, but stopped when you realized Shoto was getting up to follow you.

"I completely lost track of time. I have to catch the last bus to go and pick something up downtown and I think I'm about to miss it."

He nodded and stepped toward you, following you out the library doors.

"Sometimes the buses run a little late. Maybe if you're lucky, it won't have come yet."

You scoffed and rolled your eyes at his suggestion.

"Yeah, sure. Look, I will give you fair warning now; I'm one of the unluckiest people in the planet. The odds are super slim of even something small going wrong? My luck dictates that absolutely EVERYTHING will go wrong. At this point, I'm nearly convinced that a witch cursed me as a baby or something."

He shrugged, coming to a halt at the curb as a bus slowly began to pull up.

"I told you."

Your mouth gaped slightly as you shook your head.

"Okay, wow, well I'm glad you were right about the buses running late."

"I meant about what I said about your luck changing. I hope you've been having a better time here than at your last school. You deserve to, Y/n."

He stepped back and gestured for you to enter the bus ahead of him, a small smile playing on his lips.

"Oh, uhm, I--uh, I hope so."

You climbed up the steps and nearly tripped up the small flight of stairs, but his strong hands steadied your hips from behind before anyone could notice your falter, keeping you from making a fool out of yourself in front of a nearly packed bus.

"Thank you, Shoto."

You scurried toward the first set of open seats that you could find, letting your hair dangle in your face to try and conceal the heat on your face.

"Sorry, I, uh--," Shoto took a seat beside you, actively trying not to let his muscular thigh brush against yours, which was virtually impossible on a crowded bus, "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable with the way I touched you, I--I just didn't--didn't want you to fall or anything."

Feeling a bit more brave in sensing how nervous he was over the interaction, you relaxed and let the arm and leg that were already pressed up against him in the tight quarters press against him a little more intentionally.

"It's okay, I appreciate you not letting me make an absolute fool of myself. Seems like you're always around to help me in that regard."

Giggling, you began searching for the nerve to look up and make eye contact with him.

Hearing him mumble something, you decided to dig deep and look up at him with a curious smile.

"Hmm? Did you say something?"

His left side was giving off more heat than usual as you noticed he was blushing too, scratching the back of his neck nervously with his right hand.

"Dumb luck, I guess. That I'm always around when you need it. I'm glad I can be, I hope I can, uh, continue to be. If you, i-if you would let me be around you more often lik--"

He was rambling, clearly nervous, and it was an adorable sight to see. Further emboldened by his demeanor, you shifted your weight to lean against him, brushing the back of his hand with yours.

"Are you trying to ask me out, Shoto?"

His expression went blank as he nodded, save for the adorable flush on his cheeks.

"I am. Did I do it right? Or---wait, did you read my mind?"

You shook your head as your giggled, knitting your fingers together with his.

"No, I didn't need to."

He smiled, shifting his weight to lean against you as he rubbed the back of your hand with his thumb.

"How did you know then?"

You shrugged playfully before resting your head against his shoulder.

"Dumb luck."

[kasienda]

A Miraculous Reveal - Instagram

I forgot to post this here! Inspired by a prompt from @ladyofthenoodle. She also figured out how this one should end because she’s genius like that. Hope you enjoy! 

~~~

Marinette stared unhappily at the photo on her computer screen. Part of her thought she should be overjoyed at the revelation before her, but in the moment, she only felt frustrated. What was that stupid cat thinking?! Could he be any more obvious? If she didn’t know better, she’d think he did it on purpose.

“Marinette?” Tikki’s familiar voice called. “What’s wrong?”

The dark-haired girl sighed, and then gestured halfheartedly to the picture on her instagram feed. “Do you think I should be more mad at Adrien for uploading this picture? Or at Plagg for being difficult in the first place?” Tikki looked at the picture of Adrien sitting at his desk leaning forward to the camera with light from tall panes of glass windows lighting up his hair in a golden glow. As someone who collected all things Adrien, the picture honestly wasn’t the best Marinette had ever seen. His face looked washed out, and he had bags under his eyes. He just looked tired, and she couldn’t help but worry about him. Especially now that she understood that his plate of responsibilities was larger than she had ever imagined. The image was further spoiled by a random plain white sock floating upright in the air behind him. It was so stiff it could have been hanging from a clothesline.

Marinette observed Tikki carefully as the kwami considered the picture, watching for any reaction. At times, her kwami was amazingly expressive, but Marinette had come to learn the embodiment of creation could pull off quite the poker face when the need arose.

“I don’t see Plagg,” the red sprite finally concluded, her eyes furrowed together in seeming confusion.

“Really?!” Marinette scoffed. “That’s what you’re going with? I already know that kwamis don’t show up on camera, Tikki. What else could that be?”

Ao3 Link Ff.net

“Photoshop?” TIkki suggested lightly.

Marinette rolled her eyes.

“Maybe Adrien threw the sock backwards when he took the picture,” her kwami said.

Marinette crossed her arms over her chest, not remotely convinced by Tikki’s attempts to dissuade her.  “It’d be blurry, Tikki.”

“Not if it was at the height of its arc.”

“It wouldn’t be at this angle,” Marinette argued, pointing at the artifact. She didn’t like physics, but she couldn’t help pick up on some things being a superhero fighting akumas over the rooftops of Paris. “This is like it’s hanging upright. If it was flying through the air it would be bent and floppy.”

Tikki sighed, her mouth opening in search of another argument, but no words left her lips.

“You know who else might know that kwamis can’t be photographed?” Marinette asked rhetorically, and then answered the question herself. “Papillion.”

“Yeah, Adrien needs to delete that photo,” Tikki agreed.

Marinette laughed at Tikki’s sudden change in tune. “Oh, you think so?”

Tikki didn’t bother to respond to the “I told you so,” and Marinette found herself looking at the picture. His eyes were actually green. After her stint as Lady Noire, Marinette hadn’t been certain that her partner’s eyes were that vibrant shade of fresh spring grass. But they were, and for whatever reason that little detail made her feel like she knew him.

And of course, she did know him. He was Adrien. But now�� She couldn’t help the giddy little smile that burst over her face as the reality of Chat Noir’s identity really sunk in, and she loved him even more.

“I’m glad that you’re happy,” Tikki observed softly. “That it’s him.”

Marinette twirled around in her chair towards her kwami. “Yeah, me too,” she admitted with a blush. “But goodness, he makes things so difficult sometimes! Why doesn’t he think things through?!”

“Let’s go yell at him!” Tikki encouraged, executing an excited dance in the air.

Marinette laughed. “Alright, then! Tikki, Spots On!”

…

Adrien lay back on his bed, one arm behind his neck supporting his head, and the other hand holding his phone up in front of his face, watching the likes and comments come in from his latest Instagram post. He didn’t really know why he always watched the reactions come in live. The constant notifications and attention from people he had never met had lost its joy and appeal ages ago, and yet, he still couldn’t help but check the recent post every few seconds anyway.

And this post was special. He had an ulterior motive.

“Do you think she’ll figure it out, Plagg?” Adrien asked, daydreaming of a certain Ladybug darting through his window.

“I’d say that’s a pretty good bet!” the mischievous cat like kwami said, snapping the t before phasing out of sight.

Adrien dropped the phone and looked up. “What makes you say…”

Ladybug stood in his window frame. Her blue eyes narrowed as they landed on him, and he wanted to hide from her obvious displeasure.  

“...that?” he trailed off. He leapt from his prone position on the bed, and slid forward, allowing his legs to hang over the mattress as he sat smiling at his mostly unexpected guest.

“Hi, Ladybug! What brings you here?” Adrien greeted brightly as if it was totally and completely normal to have a superhero standing in his open window. Which, if he counted himself, it kinda was…?

Her glare turned frostier, even as she jumped gracefully from the window sill to the marble floor. “Don’t play dumb, Chaton. It doesn’t suit you. Delete it now!”

“Delete what?” Despite her command, he figured it was in the interest of his survival to pretend he had no idea what she was talking about.

“The photo that you just posted to Instagram!” she growled.

He grinned. Ladybug had arrived within thirty minutes of him posting the photo. “So, you follow my Instagram?”

To his shock, pink flushed across her face. “That’s s-so not the point!” she spluttered.

His grin widened. “I always told you, you’d find my unmasked face irresistible.”

Her eyes hardened. “You need to delete that photo now, Adrien!” she barked harshly. “If I could figure it out, Papillion and Mayura can too!”

His grin evaporated in an instant. Shit! He hadn’t thought about that. He darted back to his phone that lay abandoned on his bed, rapidly unlocked it, and then swiped and tapped his way through the app. “It’s done,” he reported, all his bravado gone. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think.”

His partner’s form slumped in relief and she let out a frustrated sigh. Her resigned exasperation with just that dash of disappointment cut deeper than anything she had actually said. He had been needlessly reckless and for selfish reasons. It seemed so obvious now.

“It’s probably not gone, though,” he admitted softly. “I have crazy fans that screen cap everything. And repost stuff. I can’t control any of that.”

“It was only up for like half an hour. I can’t imagine it got too far or that most people will understand its significance. And it’s not the most flattering photo of you honestly, so hopefully less people felt the need to save it.” She flicked a piece of lint off her shoulder, not making eye contact. “How many likes did it have?”

“Around five thousand,” he reported.

“Five thousand?” she repeated in disbelief, her bright blue eyes as wide as the Seine. “I don’t think I could get that many likes in a year! God damn celebrities!”

“Ladybug could,” he told her confidently. “If she had an Instagram.”

“I’m not getting an Instagram as Ladybug!” she countered hotly.

“Why not?” he asked with genuine curiosity. “I imagine you could post some beautiful pictures of the city.”

“Because of stuff like floating socks!” she snapped back. She started pacing in front of his window in agitation. “I might not catch something in the background, and then I would give away my whole identity! I’m not willing to put my friends and family in danger for likes!” she lashed out at him.

His shoulders wilted. She was right. His father had a lot of resources and could probably protect himself even from a supervillain. Maybe Kagami too. But what about Nino, Alya, and Marinette?

“I-it wasn’t for likes,” he whispered, but the objection felt weak even to his own ears. He had only wanted one person to see it. Her. He just wanted her in his life. His actual life. Was that so bad? But his plan had worked better than he thought possible. She had figured out his identity. And that meant…

Knots formed in Adrien’s stomach as the implications sunk in. “You’re right. I didn’t think. Are-are you going to take my miraculous, now?” He wasn’t brave enough to look at her face. He hadn’t thought about the consequences at all. He hadn’t thought about the fact that other people, including his enemies, might recognize the properties of a kwami. Didn’t think about the fact that he didn’t know how to survive without the freedom of Chat Noir. No, he had only been thinking that Ladybug would understand the significance of the photo and if she “accidentally” figured out his identity, then she couldn’t be mad at him for telling her. He had only wanted her to see him and understand him. She was his partner. His other half.

He risked a glance up at her continued silence. She looked like she had been hit by a bus at the question. Her eyes were blown wide and her mouth hung open, and she still didn’t say anything.

“That’s the consequence, right?” he prompted when she didn’t respond. “Someone figures out my identity, I have to give up my miraculous?” He shrugged, trying to hold up a strong front. “That’s what Plagg said a few weeks back anyway.”

He slipped off the ring and held it out to her, his eyes burning with threatened tears.

Her gloved hands reached out, and he clamped his teeth down on the sob that wanted to tear out of his throat. Her gloved hands, which felt strange touching his bare skin, carefully closed his fingers around the cold metal circle and pushed it back towards him. He looked up at her in surprise. Her eyes glistened with her own unshed tears.

“Maybe I should take it. That was Master Fu’s rule, but Chaton…” she whispered, and then rapidly shook her head with her teeth pressed down into her lower lip. “I can’t do this without a partner.”

“You could find a new partner. One who is more worthy of your trust.”

She scoffed. “I can’t just find another partner! They don’t fall from the sky. And yes! I’m not going to lie! You drive me absolutely crazy sometimes! With the flirting and your stupid puns while I’m trying to figure out how to use a lucky charm! When you wouldn’t take no for an answer after asking me out for like the third time. When you fell for fake Ladybug just because you wanted me to love you even though it was so obvious she wasn’t real. And oh my god, you accepted Sass when you were already Chat Noir! Ugh!”

His shoulders slumped, and his eyes burned with unshed tears. When she laid it all out like that… maybe she needed to find a new partner. Someone who understood the responsibilities his power brought him, and would respect her boundaries, hopefully better than he had.

She dropped to her knees in front of him, and her red gloved hands gently took his own, and squeezed reassurance. She tilted her head down to catch his fallen gaze. And she smiled softly at him.

“But Chaton, you’re also the person who can figure out my crazy plans with almost no explanation, the person who has taken hit after hit for me. I’ve literally watched you die in my arms, more times than I prefer to think about. I have the nightmares to prove it. You talk me up and encourage me when it feels impossible to succeed.”

She gripped his hands harder. “Hell! I would have quit being Ladybug on the first day, if it wasn't for you. I don’t know how to tell you this, but I need you. No one else can even come close to replacing you. Not even if I trained them to fight because you do more than watch my back. You just know how to lift me up when my world has fallen apart.”

Hot tears slipped past his defenses as her words settled into his being, planting soft seeds of warmth.

“Please don’t cry,” she begged.

He wiped his tears away furiously. “Thank you, LB. it feels really good to hear you say all that. Sometimes, I’m not sure where I stand with you. Some days I feel like your best friend, and other days, that annoying weird kid you wish you never had met.”

“Chaton,” she crooned. “I care about you so much. I promise I have never once wished that I hadn’t met you. You have become a huge part of my life!”

“You too, LB! You’re the best thing in mine.”

She blushed and fidgeted. It was actually weird to see her as anything other than confident and focused. Her nervousness relaxed him, made him remember she was just a teenager like him.

“I love you,” he blurted into the growing silence. “You make me feel like I have value and a purpose. Like I’ve done something good, and that I’ve done it well. I don’t feel like that very often. And I know I’ve said it before, and I’m not expecting anything, but I just… I wanted to say it just once… as myself.”

“You love me,” she repeated, her form rigid as she stared at him with wide eyes as if she couldn’t believe it.

He laughed. “Yes! Why do you sound so surprised? I’ve only told you three times before!”

“But that was Chat Noir. Adrien told his friends he was in love with someone but he didn’t give a name. I’m the person Adrien is in love with.”

He placed a hand absently to his neck. “It’s not like I could tell my friends your name. It’d be dismissed as a celebrity crush.”

Then her comment registered and his green eyes shot up to her masked ones. “Wait! How do you know that I told my friends that?”

She glanced toward the window, and took a step back. “Uh… well, you see…” she stuttered. And that was weird. He’d never seen Ladybug so nervous, and yet, her body language tickled his memory with its familiarity.

“Do I… do I know you in my civilian life?”

Ladybug bolted to her feet. “Well, this has been fun,” she said rapidly, a nervous smile stretching across her face. “I need to get going now. Remember to be more careful with your social media accounts. See you at patrol tomorrow, Chaton!”

He darted in front of her before she could launch her yo-yo out his window, his mind awhirl. He had only told three people that he was in love with someone. Nino, Marinette, and Kagami.

None of them seemed likely to share that information with anyone else.

And Ladybug definitely wasn’t Nino.

He had seen Ladybug with both Marinette and Kagami. But… his lady was clever. She might have tricked him. And of those two, only one of them made sense.

“Marinette?”

Her face fell into her hands. “Tikki’s going to kill me.”

Warmth burst in his chest like a firework going off. Adrien felt like he was floating above the ground. He was just that elated. He knew Ladybug’s identity. And the girl behind the mask? She was amazing! And she was already his friend.

He stepped forward and seized her in a hug. “It’s you!” he laughed, giddiness spilling from every fiber of his being.

She didn’t reciprocate. Instead, she remained frozen in his embrace - awkwardly patting his shoulder. He immediately let her go and backed away with an arm to the back of his neck as his nerves caught up with him.

“Sorry,” he muttered, heat blooming in his face. “I am so excited to know that you are Marinette, I… I got carried away.”

“H-how can you be s-sure that I’m Marinette?” she asked, pink spreading from her mask to her ears.

He smiled fondly at the suddenly very familiar stutter. “You know I can see the resemblance now, right? It’s really obvious. Plus, who else could live up to Ladybug, but Marinette?”

She fidgeted and turned away from his gaze. “Y-you can’t tell anyone.”

He rolled his eyes and took another step towards her. “I know how the superhero schtick goes.”

She crossed her arms across her chest and glared at him. “Really? Have you already forgotten why I came to visit you today?” And here she was all Ladybug righteous fury.

He blushed. “I only did that because I wanted you to know who I was. No one else. And trust me to guard your secret better than my own. I know you have a family to protect.”

“You say that like you don’t,” she observed with a frown.

He shrugged. “I mean, I guess I have my father. But I hardly ever see him. So does it count?”

Adrien immediately regretted saying that as an awkward silence descended upon them. A silence that he had no clue how to fill.

“I’m sorry, Adrien,” she finally whispered, and then she took a step forward and her spotted arms encircled around him.

“What for?” he asked in surprise. He stood frozen uncertain and amazed at this turn of events, before he let his arms wrap around her petite form and his chin rest on her shoulder.

“I just… I don’t think I ever understood why having a connection with me as Ladybug was so important to you,” she whispered in his ear. “I didn’t realize that it would be just as difficult to make friends in your civilian form as it would be as Chat Noir.”

He pulled back a little, but just enough to take her hand and bring it to his lips. He kissed her knuckles as he always did. But unlike usual, she didn’t pull away or rebuff him. In fact, her cheeks blazed red the way Marinette’s often did in Adrien’s presence.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“F-fine,” she stammered, snatching her hand out of his hold like she had been burned.

“You just... usually pull away sooner. And your face is all red,” he pointed out, gesturing to her cheeks with his free hand.

She punched him in the shoulder. And it hurt more than he was willing to admit. He wasn’t transformed at the moment, but he tried to play it off.

“You don’t have to be a jerk about it!” she admonished him.

“What are you talking about?” he asked, his eyebrows furrowed in genuine confusion.

“You’re making fun of me,” she whined.

“I swear that I’m not.”

“Then why do you keep teasing me about being embarrassed?” she shot back.

“I… you’re embarrassed?” he asked. “What on earth would you have to be embarrassed about? You’re amazing!”

“You know who I am! You can remember every time I’ve put my foot in my mouth or embarrassed myself horribly in front of you with every attempted confession,” she spoke rapidly, her hands waving around wildly. And he found himself smiling softly. This behavior was all Marinette. And he loved it. Then her words registered. His eyes widened, and time froze and he felt as alert as he did facing an akuma. He could see her hands fidgeting nervously, her heaving chest as she struggled to replace the air she had just used, the faint pink still staining her cheeks, and her blue eyes darting away in self-consciousness.

“Confession?” He tried to keep the hope out of his voice, but he failed.

Her eyes widened before her face fell into her hands again, as she mumbled incoherently into her palms. And god, this blending of Marinette and Ladybug right in front of him was making him dizzy. He stepped forwards again and gently pulled her hands from her face, revealing swirling orbs of blue that peeked out from under her dark eyelashes.

“I’m the boy? Me?” He asked. Her blush darkened, but she gave a slight nod. He laughed in absolute delight. “I’m the boy,” he repeated, but this time it was a revelation and not a question. If he felt like he was floating before, he was flying now. And he was never going to come back down to earth again.

“Me. Adrien. I’m the boy you love,” he rambled, a grin as wide as the Seine stretched across his face. “You rejected Chat Noir-me for Adrien-me.” He was never going to stop smiling.

“Adrien,” she whined, over enunciating all three syllables of his name. “Stop looking so pleased with yourself!”

He shook his head. “But you love me. Ladybug loves me.”

She blushed yet again, and offered him a gentle smile. “Yeah… I guess she does.”

He caressed her cheek and leaned into her space. “May I kiss you?”

She nodded.

His right hand cupped her while his left slipped his fingers between hers. His lips pressed into hers. Just a touch, lingered there for a moment relishing in the gentle contact. She felt soft, warm, and tasted sweet like fruit-flavored candy.

It wasn’t his first kiss.

But it was the first kiss he could remember.

He pulled away to see her face still lost in the contact. Her eyes were closed with her head angled up, and she had the smallest smile. Warmth bloomed in his chest at her expression.

Posting that picture had been the best idea he had ever had.

Unless of course, Papillion figured him out. That would lead him straight to Marinette whether or not the villain had cause to suspect she was Ladybug.

His stomach turned to ice.

No… he wouldn’t let that happen. He would protect her. He was Chat Noir, and Chat Noir always protected his partner. He always did whatever needed to be done, whether he had to sacrifice himself or just simply created a distraction.

His eyebrows shot into his forehead. That was exactly what he needed to do!

“I have an idea!” he exclaimed.

...

Ladybug refused to open her eyes. She wouldn’t recover if she opened them only to discover that the last two minutes had only been a dream.

This wasn’t her first kiss, and it wasn’t even her first kiss with Adrien. But the first one had been in the middle of a battle with no time to savor the moment. This is the kiss she would choose to cherish in her memory.

He pulled back, and she tried not to chase him, but she wasn’t ready for him to go.

“I have an idea!”

Her eyes finally blinked open at the excitement in his voice. “An idea?” she asked. “F-for what?” Why was she still stuttering?!

His meadow-green eyes were vibrant, and he still held her hand. The contact was grounding her even if the gloves of her suit remained between them. “To solve my floating sock problem. We need a distraction. Can you detransform?”

Her eyebrows furrowed. “What? Why?”

“Please?” he begged and somehow his eyes got wider and softer, and his lower lip trembled in an over-exaggerated pout. She was going to have to work on her resistance to that look. “We could do this as Ladybug and Adrien. It might even work better at solving the sock identity vulnerability, but it would do that by putting your identity more at risk if we show any public affection in our civilian identities. It’s better to do this as Adrien and Marinette.”

“Spots off,” she whispered. Chat Noir was the person she trusted most in the world.

The familiar buzz tingled down her form, and Adrien was staring at her like he’d never seen her before all over again.

Her face and neck blazed in sudden embarrassment. “What?” she asked, looking down at her fingers.

“I just… it really is you,” he whispered, his voice filled with awe. “I mean, I knew that, but… but now, it’s real.”

Tikki took that moment to flutter up between them. “Marinette, what are you…?”

Marinette waved her off. “Not now, Tikki! It’s too late. I’m sorry!” She turned back to Adrien. “What did you have in mind?”

He grinned so brightly. Seriously, she was going to get sunburned from his smiles, and reached a hand out to her. “Come here,” he directed as he pulled her into his arms. It was terrifying how good it felt to be held in his arms. She felt hot and cold, vulnerable and safe, nervous and loved. And she felt it all at once. It was quite the heady experience.

Then he touched their foreheads together and she got lost in his eyes, which beamed with absolute adoration all directed at her. Heat pooled into her cheeks at the intimacy of their unwavering eye contact.

She chided herself. They had been in far more intimate and compromising positions in their suits. But right now, they were without their masks. And she felt so much more vulnerable.

But also giddy with joy.

After only seconds had passed, Adrien pulled out his phone, and snapped a few pictures of them, but his eyes never left her face until after he finished. Only then did he glance down at the screen to view their results.

“What do you think?” He asked, swiping through the burst of shots as he turned the screen to show her.

Looking at the pictures, Marinette couldn’t breathe, let alone speak. The only thing more powerful than seeing Adrien’s love sick eyes focused intently and unerringly on hers was seeing her own expression mirroring his own. She brushed his hand away and went through the pictures herself more slowly, tears threatening to drop from the corner of her eyes when she landed on her favorite. In the image, Adrien was smiling like a child tasting sugar for the first time in its life, while Marinette looked dazed like the world had just been turned upside down, which it had, but in the best possible way.

She had to clear her throat before she could speak. “This one,” she said, handing the device back to him.

“I like this one too,” he agreed as his fingers flew across the small touch screen, setting up a new Instagram post. He turned the final result towards her, so she could read the caption.

Spending the afternoon with my new girlfriend.

“What do you say? Are you ready to become social-media-official with me?” he asked with a smirk. But his free hand was rubbing the back of his neck.

The nervous tick threw her, and she realized he wasn’t just creating a distraction. He was also asking her out, and he was nervous. Somehow that calmed her.

She bit her lip and nodded again. And suddenly he was kissing her again, and she hoped that she never got used to the sensation. It was perfect. Even though she disapproved of his recklessness, part of her was really glad that he had posted that picture if it meant she could have a dozen more moments like this.

When he pulled away, he buried his head into his phone once again. She frowned at how quickly he was distracted, and looked over his arm to see what he was adding to his post.

When I kiss her, I feel so dizzy I see spots.

“Adrien!” she scolded, slapping his arm. Was he seriously going to risk her identity for a stupid pun! He laughed, and immediately deleted the sentence. “Okay! Okay! How about… the princess of my heart?”

“Totally over the top cheesy!” she screeched, trying harder to wrestle away his phone.

Before she succeeded, he hit the “share” button. Then, he immediately surrendered the device to her, and pulled her back against his chest, his chin resting on her shoulder as they stood cheek to cheek, looking at his phone, which was already lighting up and buzzing with dozens of notifications. Marinette watched in abject fascination. This was almost unfair.

Within two minutes, Marinette’s cell had started ringing, and over the next five minutes, Alya had called fourteen times and left four voicemails. Exasperated, Marinette texted her back.

I’m trying to make out with my boyfriend. Quit interrupting!

That ought to get her to shut up.

Sure enough, Alya sent her a squealing emoji in response and then there was silence.

Within ten minutes, the new photo had exceeded the five thousand likes of the deleted picture. Congratulatory and heartbroken comments poured in almost faster than Adrien or Marinette could read.

Another five minutes passed, and the newly formed couple jumped apart at the sudden pounding on Adrien’s bedroom door.

“Adrien, would you please open this door right now and explain how Ms. Dupain-Cheng came to be in your room without going through the front door,” Nathalie called from the other side of the wooden barrier.

“I guess that’s my cue to leave,” Marinette whispered, stepping away from her new boyfriend - she had an actual boyfriend - and towards the window.

Adrien immediately grabbed her hand. “Actually, it might be better if you stayed?” he said nervously. “I may not have thought this entirely through either… as this photo is obviously in my room. It’s easier to explain sneaking you in here than is explaining where you disappeared to.”

“Adrien!” She hissed. “What am I going to do with you?”

“Hopefully love me forever?” He suggested with an exaggerated grin.

“Adrien!” Nathalie yelled through the door.

Marinette laughed. “You might want to open the door before your father's assistant gets akumatized.”

“You’ll stay?” he whispered, his trembling eyes the only sign that he was scared to face the dragon on the other side of his bedroom door alone.

She nodded, and threaded her hand through his. “You and me against the world, right?”

“The world plus Nathalie. She’s scarier than the rest of the world,” he said cheekily even as he unlocked and opened the door.

God, Marinette was completely in love with this dork. And she was going to have to put up with him, his ill-thought-out-over-th-top schemes to impress her, and his stupid smug smirk for who knew how long.

Maybe forever.

But then again, maybe none of those things were so bad.

[jeannereames]

Hi Dr. Reames, thanks so much for relaying all these fascinating analyses (I have to say, I find myself back on your blog multiple times a week just to check out more cool bits of information). I actually have two questions, but please feel free to only look at one! My first is, what was Alexander’s relationship with Parmenion initially? We know he was loyal to Philip, he served somewhat as an advisor to Alexander too, and then Alexander killed him because of the Philotas plot. I mean, he was a senior officer and had served the Macedonian court for so long—might Alexander and Parmenion have had a decent relationship at some point? And my second question is, how come absolutely nothing survives from the time of Alexander? Did his “successors” try to destroy things related to him (they did kill his son and his mother) so they could protect their own ambitions? I really appreciate your time, thanks for checking out my questions! Again, please feel free to just look at one and not the other :D

First, I’m glad people are actually reading these. LOL.

The biggest problem with discerning Alexander’s true relationship with Parmenion prior to the downfall of Philotas are the inserted “Alexander vs. Parmenion” conversations. You’ve heard them, if you think about it. “If I were Alexander,” Parmenion says, “I would …” “So would I,” Alexander replies, “if I were Parmenion.” Meant as a put down. Parmenion is repeatedly shown as overly cautious and a bit of a fuddy-duddy. It’s a deliberate motif, and most modern scholars recognize these as later insertions.

They seem to have several purposes: first, they showcase Alexander’s dashing bravery and brilliance as opposed to Parmenion’s plodding traditional approaches. Second, they backset conflict between the two. Third, they suggest Alexander didn’t really need Parmenion’s advice; he could have won all those battles by himself.

We suspect this is the work of Kallisthenes (the official court historian) before his own fall from grace. The Page’s Conspiracy happened after the Philotas Affair. Ergo, it appears in a number of the later histories. Some (esp. Badian) have suggested that Alexander was just looking for a way to get rid of Parmenion, and either seized on Philotas’s culpability, or even set up Philotas in order to get rid of Parmenion (Badian’s article on the Philotas Affair suggest Alexander was keeping some sort of FBI-style file on Parmenion and his family.) They’ve point out that he left him behind in Ekbatana when taking off to Baktria, but that was a damn important position! And Parmenion was c.70, by then. I suspect he was moving him towards administrative positions, out of active combat. Phiilotas’s stupidly forced his hand. Philotas was his last living son (Hektor had died in Egypt, Nikanor at Gaugamela). He couldn’t trust that Parmenion wouldn’t feel honor-bound to retaliate for his death (it was a matter of timē). And Parmenion was sitting on Alexander’s all-important supply lines; he could cut off the entire army and leave them to starve. (This, btw, doesn’t justify murder, but does explain it.)

After that, he almost had to inflict a hatchet-job on Parmenion’s reputation. Murdering Parmenion would look even worse if everyone could read how much he owed him.

If one takes those A vs. P conversations with a grain of salt and looks more widely, it’s clear that Alexander owed his kingship to Parmenion—and Parmenion was compensated (so to speak) by the high appointments of his sons, at least the elder two, and his other family members. Although Philotas was older than Alexander, he wasn’t a senior general, yet he got the plumb assignment of commander of the Companion Cavalry. His younger brother commanded the Hypaspists—the whole thing, not just the royal unit. Parmenion’s brother, Asander held high positions, as did another relative (another Nikanor) in the navy. The boys, at least, leapfrogged over older men who may have been more deserving. And Philotas seems to have flaunted his position and relations. We’re told in a couple places that, while his father was beloved, he was not. Certainly Krateros couldn’t stand him, although being an enemy of Krateros may not have required more than being in Krateros’s way. Ha. Krateros was kinda-sorta Parmenion’s understudy.

Alexander often took a good deal of Parmenion’s advice. For instance, there are actually TWO verions of the Battle of Granikos, and they’re almost mutually exclusive. One appears to be a rewrite for drama…and to get in a dig at Parmenion. It’s the better-known version, where the battle takes place in the afternoon, at the end of a long march, and is a cavalry-heavy battle because not all the infantry had arrived. It’s one of the first A vs. P exchanges, where Parmenion advises Alexander to wait for the rest of the army, then attack at night or at least in the morning. Alexander tells him he “won’t steal a march” and brashly attacks the Persians before they’re ready. And wins (after a significant loss of Companions).

The other version is more or less exactly what Parmenion advised: he waited till morning. It was still mostly a cavalry battle and much of what happened is similar…but he did what Parmenion suggested. Yet in that version, he looks less heroic…but more level-headed.

Guess which one is probably the true version. 😉

Philotas, btw, got himself in trouble for asserting that Alexander’s big wins weren’t really his, but Parmenion’s (and Philotas’s). Philotas may have been a blowhard, but at least part of that was true. Alexander consistently gave Parmenion the difficult but absolutely crucial positions at Issos and Gaugamela. He knew damn well that if Parmenion fell on the left, it didn’t matter what he did. That’s WHY he didn’t chase Darius either time, but especially at Gaugamela.

However difficult Philotas was, we’re told that Alexander was close to Hektor, the youngest of Parmenion’s sons. When Hektor died accidentally in Egypt, Alexander was heartbroken and threw him a huge funeral. Hektor is among the boys I had with Alexander at Mieza in the novels.

As for what Parmenion thought of Alexander, I expect he saw him as his best friend’s son, and therefore felt some responsibility for him, after Philip’s untimely death. Parmenion and Philip appear to have been real friends. Philip and Antipatros, not so much. Antipatros had been a friend to Philip’s older brother, Perdikkas, who apparently had a more philosophic turn of mind. And indeed, Antipatros and Aristotle later were fast friends. There’s a funny story of Philip and Parmenion playing draughts (and drinking), when Antipatros entered the room. Immediately Philip shoved the game board under his chair, like some naughty boy caught skivving off. It’s hysterical (the anecdote comes from either Plutarch’s Moralia or, more likely, Athenaeus’s Supper Party). Parmenion was older than Philip, but closer to him in age than Antipatros. Also, Antipatros and Parmenion didn’t really like each other. And there’s Philip’s famous quip that the Athenians should count themselves lucky if they could find 10 good generals every year (their custom of electing generals is what he’s referring to). In his time as king, he’d found only one. Parmenion. (It’s obviously a dig at Athens for poor generals; in Philip’s day they had only a couple decent ones, Phokion being the best.)

Anyway, given Parmenion’s closeness to Philip, I’ve always assumed that he would have backed the candidate Philip wanted on the throne, and that was Alexander. As I noted elsewhere, Philip’s last child was a girl, not a boy. So Attalos had no skin the game anymore. Ergo, even if Parmenion had married his own daughter to Attalos, when push came to shove, he shoved him under the bus (had him executed) when Alexander asked him to. I expect he didn’t do it for “free.” That’s why Philotas and Nikanor had their positions. He could always marry his daughter to someone else, and did: Koinos/Coenus, which is why Koinos was so eager to help “question” Philotas, his brother-in-law: to prove his loyalty to Alexander.

As for why we don’t still have the original histories of Alexader, written by contemporaries? Simple loss over time. I seem to recall reading stats somewhere that only a quarter to a third of (known) texts from antiquity have survived. No, I don’t remember where, but the percentage doesn’t surprise me. How do we know about missing texts? From “testamonia” in surviving ones, especially collections, or books like Diogenes Laertus which contains the lives of famous philosophers and their bibliography. D.L. is how we know Aristotle wrote 4 books of letters to ATG, 1 each to Hephaistion and Olympias, as well as letters to Antipatros.

Some quick terminology: “extant” means “still existing.” So an “extant” text is one we still have. A “testamonium” is mention of a text or author in another text. And a “fragmentum” is a quoted section from another text, or a paraphrasing. Keep in mind that while ancient memories were generally better than ours, fragmenta (when we can compare) often contain slight errors and rephrasings. The major collection of these in Greek was compiled by Felix Jacoby, Fragmente der griechischen Historiker, often referred to as FGrH or just “Jacoby.” The original 1923 version was just in Greek, but New Jacoby is translated, and now available as Jacoby Online!

Another super important source of information on ancient texts, people, and places unavailable elsewhere now is the Suda [Suidae Lexicon], a mid-Byzantine “encyclopedia” of the ancient Mediterranean world. It has LOADS of info otherwise unattested in our extant sources. Visit the Suda Online.

Anyway, back to our texts. Popularity is one reason certain texts make it. The fact we have FIVE different histories of Alexander (however varying in quality) is actually extraordinary, the most we have for any single individual from antiquity. And it’s not only popularity in antiquity, but popularity later. Plutarch was very popular in the medieval and Renaissance, so we have a lot of Plutarch surviving. More copies…more likely something will make it.

So no, what we lack isn’t from any concerted effort to erase a text. The Successors penned their own histories (buffing their own reputations and skewering their rivals), but they didn’t try to systematically get rid of other’s writings. To do so would have been very difficult, if not impossible. Most of the contemporary histories were still available down into the early Byzantine era and probably beyond. We just don’t have them now.

[discotreque]

Disco 3.06: Scavengers

And I thought the last one was a nerdfest! What is this, Star Trek?

REPAIR ROBOTS! Oh wait—REFIT ROBOTS!!! I remain continually appalled at the mountains of merch money CBS insists upon leaving on the table.

NCC-1031-A????? OH HELL YES

I feel like the previous version of this show would have had the Disco equipped with super-future-tech by like, the end of episode 2 at the latest. (Remember the ship going undercover for the mirror universe in a 20-second montage?)

Y'all know I'm a slut for props, and the new badges are truly lovely—at least I'll probably be able to buy one of those—and another excellent example of "technology marches on" that should be relatable to anyone old enough to watch this show without parental supervision, probably? When I was in college, I never went anywhere without a digital camera, an iPod, a Palm PDA, half a dozen USB sticks, a paper notebook + pen, and a cell phone that could "surf the internet" for $0.10 per page of plain text—and now I have an iPhone that fills all those roles but better and does a hundred other things too, and I'm just old enough that it still kinda blows my mind sometimes. So: relatable!

But also? Fuck that, I want to see a 32nd-century tricorder!!! Don't give me this blurry holographic bullshit!!!! I WANT PROPS AND THEN I WANT AFFORDABLY PRICED REPLICAS WITH REASONABLE SHIPPING TO CANADA.

Very small, very cute detail: now that everyone has a personal transporter to blip around the ship with, the Discovery-A (!) has done away with the catwalks between the "rings" of the saucer section.

If I were Detmer I might be a little jealous of the way Owo looks at the new swirly interfaces, hahahaha

HI LINUS! BYE LINUS!

Wait—wait—wait. So Book went on this dangerous solo mission to get the black box and programmed his ship's autopilot to literally SAVE THE CAT? Slow clap, Disco writers. Slow clap.

Oh jeez. You can literally see the moment Michael stops trusting Saru. OUCH. And now Evil!Philippa of all people is sticking up for Captain Appetizer? What is going ON here?

(I'm slightly confused about some of the choices these characters are making, but I think I'm supposed to be at this point—I think we're supposed to feel a little bit of Michael's disorientation and alienation among her Disco family to contrast with how much more comfortable this new version of her is around Book.)

OKAY omfg but COUNSELOR GEORGIOU??? Michael has NO patience and is just sassing the SHIT out of her too. I am eating this up with a spoon ahahahaha

TILLY AND GRUDGE :D :D :D :D :D And Michael's little reverse-engineered cat-tracker literally meows instead of pings 😂

Self-sealing stem bolts lmaoooooo

I knew exactly what was going to happen to that poor (and extremely genre-unsavvy) water thief vis-à-vis the exploding-head implant because I've been playing a lot of Fallout 3 and New Vegas lately, which have slave collars that do the same thing. Bummer, dude.

Gray is like "let's go explore the LITERAL AWESOME SPACESHIP we live on" and Adira is like "but my to-do list tho" and tbh I'm both of them <3 (Hard not to picture Ian Alexander crab-crawling out from under the cameras every time Gray has to "disappear," hahaha)

OH HEY IT’S LINUS AGAIN

Ohhhh Tilly. Tilly is so good. (Tilly is so good again! I felt like she kind of... went away in the second half of Season 2. It feels like she's back, and I missed her ❤️) Her point to Saru that Michael's the one who threw them under the bus with Starfleet is unfortunately, entirely apt.

I want Michael Burnham to be absolutely SMOTHERED with love and support so it's really hard to watch her drift apart from her friends like this. I know it's part of a self-discovery (heh) arc that will bring her back into the fold by the end of the season—though at this point I'm not 100% sure it won't be as a civilian contractor to Starfleet or something—and I'm grateful she's got Book so she's not alone for the duration. But ughhhh, also? Let this poor woman REST.

This week in "Sonequa Martin-Green's underappreciated comedic talents": Michael makes a different "give me a fucking break" face every single time Georgiou calls her "Servant," and every single one made me laugh.

Yeah, Ryn's gonna fuckin' die.

BUT THAT'S A RESCUE, HOLY SHIT, BOOK HAS THE COOLEST SHIP EVER, WTFFFF

And Georgiou got Cronenberg'd somehow, so that's great. (Ughhhhhh why is she such a sympathetic psychopath tho)

STAMETS IS GONNA ADOPT A KID! STAMETS IS GONNA ADOPT TWO KIDS AND ONE OF THEM IS GONNA BE POSTHUMOUSLY!

Ryn didn't die! Holy shit!

Okay, if these two don't kiss I swear to—oh heyyyyyy—DAMMIT LINUS!!!!!——AWWWWW YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH 🍾❤️🎉

Pauuuulllllll 😭😭😭😭😭

Oded Fehr is one of my favourite character actors and I really like what he's putting into Admiral Vance as the face of Starfleet's institutional trauma. Vance has been sprinting from crisis to crisis for his entire career, and now the weight of the literal world is on his shoulders. You can see how tired he is, and how hard he's trying not to see Discovery as a source of hope, and how much he wishes he didn't have to be the bad cop in every single argument—but he's responsible for protecting all of what's left of the Federation, so he kind of does. Even when he's being an asshole, there's a lack of relish to it that feels very melancholy to me.

No one has ever delivered an acting performance on Star Trek as powerful relative to the amount of latex glued to their skull as Mr. Doug Jones.

And that was that. This episode felt like the first move into the season's midgame: Book is back; Michael is more adrift than ever; Phillipa's got Section 31–triggered Mirror Universe PTSD or something—and Stamets is drafting up those adoption papers on his holo-PADD. I have no idea where they're going with all of this—I don't even expect "the source of the Burn" to end up clear enough for the satisfaction of anyone on screen or off.

But unlike last year, where I felt like I didn't know what was going on because it didn't make any fucking sense, this feels like I don't know what's going on because the story isn't over yet. And that's an exciting way to feel, even about a more table-setting episode like this one.

Next week: Vulcans! I've been trying to stay away from spoilers, but wasn't Episode 7 rumoured to be titled "Unification III" at some point? 👀👀👀

[trashcatsnark]

1, 14, 19, and 30 for the ask game. I'm curious, especially about the last one

Ahhhhhh thank you so much for the ask, I really appreciate it, it was so nice to wake up to, thank you! 1. what radio station(s) do you listen to?

Personally, I switch around the radio stations a lot, i think the Vexelstorm(?) and Dirge are the two I flicker between the most. I like the rock music and having a chance of hearing Samurai tunes. One time black dog started to play while I was cruising the highway and it just had such a cool vibe; if only I hadn’t immediately crashed into a wall. 

My V though, doesn’t actually fuck around with the radio much especially if someone else is in the car. She’s deaf, has been since around the age of 9, and while she uses hearing aids and can hear, even “listens” to music in her apartment (though she takes her hearing aids out and feels the music rather). But when she has hearing aids she sometimes feels overwhelmed by being able to hear, so she’ll keep music off to quiet, and when someone is in the car she prefers the radio off so if they talk its not two loud sounds at once. Ironically, given this, when she takes her hearing aids out to “listen” to music, she prefers the loudest rock music because it provides the most bass and vibrations to feel it. 

14. what quest/sidejob/gig made you happiest? (again, multiples allowed)

God, I have so many I can think of; I like the rescue gigs a lot, like saving Bugbear, Wakako’s favorite netrunner, Hwangbo, the one where you save the doctor (there are actually technically two doctors you save in two different quests i realized). Those make me really happy, because they’re kind of a reminder that the work V does is not all thievery, revenge, and dealing with dark shit. I love the monk mission, um seeing that poor monk with the forced implants made my heart shatter, so being able to help him and his brother made me really happy.  The Ballad of Buck Ravers made me grin because its one of the ones thats just pure fun and seeing how Johnny interacts with V. I love the boxing missions, especially with Cesar the Valentino and that I can choose to help him out because lbr he needs the cash and car more than V does. Delamain and his quests makes me happy. The only other one I’ll say (tho I do like a lot of gigs and side missions) is probably a specific Cyberpsycho one, where the game just takes a sudden hard dive into horror which I love. Cause its like a maelstrom cult and you’re investigating corpses in a bloody pentagram, as you start hallucinating the cyberpsycho, who then comes out of a ice filled tub in the center. Like it has an energy to it that I just fuck with. 

I’ll project and say my V is in a similar boat of liking the rescue missions, she likes feeling like she can do some good in the world despite being a merc. She also likes the ones that are avenging people or helping folks; killing corpos who fucked people over, tracking down the raw bd of a boy who was murdered to help solve the case, and things of that nature where it feels like she might actually be doing something good.  19. how do you feel about revenge? is it a worthy fighting to achieve or something that sucks you in too deep?

This is all on my V, cause I feel weird talking about my personal feelings of revenge. Given her job, V has seen a lot of kinds of revenge and is often asked to be the one to deliver it. And there’s revenge she gets and revenge she doesn’t get. She’s actually far more selective with what work she’ll do and isn’t afraid to blatantly go against what she’s suppose to do in order to do what feels right. Which sometimes pisses off her fixers, but they begin to understand that they just shouldn’t send her certain jobs. But she’s all for revenge against people who genuinely did wrong; because her logic is if she lets the corpo agent who killed an entire nomad family for scientific trials just go, the corpo will do it again. She sees it as taking them out before they can hurt others, like cutting out a cancer in society. But when it comes to shit like, go kill a guy for loving a girl in a rival gang???? No fucking way, she’s not killing someone for falling in love, eat a dick, she’s telling the kid to run. In terms of her personal life and revenge, she struggles a bit more, because when you add in your own feelings it feels a hell of a lot less black and white. And she sometimes struggles with the fact that her feelings don’t always make sense, she’s definitely not morally opposed to revenge and despite usually being more calm, there is always kinda this underlying layer of anger in her that when something makes that come to the surface she loses herself in it. She could have killed Dex, would have if she had gotten the chance, because he brought her into this mess, she vouched for him to Evelyn, trusted him as much as he supposedly trusted her; then everything went to shit and he threw her under the bus. She’d kill for that, for that hurt, that loss, that pain; it’d be revenge she’d get happily. Her nomad family for example though is more complicated...cause despite everything...she loves them, but they’re actively trying to kill her, that hurts but she can’t bring herself to be angry... or vengeful...just hurt. 

30. does Rogue Amendiares scare the shit out of you or are you weird

Controversial take, I guess I’m fucking weird. I’m not scared of Rogue, yet, I feel I should preface. And I do project this on V, so take it as the answer for both of us. I feel like the two biggest things that contribute to Rogue’s ability to scare/intimidate is her social standing in the fixer community (which comes with power of course) and something Johnny says when you go to talk to her, that she can see right through you, don’t waste time lying. And the first aspect of that, doesn’t mean shit to me. Like, while I know Rogue was badass in the past and eventually is actively doing shit later on in game, the fact of the matter is fixers aren’t shit. Don’t get me wrong, most of them are cool people, and its nice to be hooked up with clients. But they’re getting a large chunk of cash for being a middle man who’s too big of a baby to go get their hands dirty. Like, fixers aren’t scary to me even if they’re powerful ones, like what, you gonna send someone else to axe me while you sit around??? terrifying, kill me yourself, coward. 

As far as the other aspect of why Rogue is propped up to be intimidating, the idea she has built in bullshit detectors. I/my V don’t bullshit a whole hell of a lot at least not in the current context of how I’ve interacted with her (haven’t done tapeworm missions and her stuff with Johnny yet tho tbf). Like, i don’t have a reason to lie about needing Hellman, so why the fuck would I? However, if this bullshit detector also helps her pick up on emotional shit, like if my V tries to hide her feelings about stuff...thats gonna suck and be scary if Rogue like picks up on what V is really feeling. Because emotional vulnerability is a thousand times more terrifying than a fixer who could make V disappear with a snap. 

*Small fun fact when I first did the Panam mission, Johnny told me I had balls to go ahead and do the mission without telling Rogue first which I didn’t even know I was suppose to do but also why the fuck should I, she sent me to do the damn thing, I gotta call her everytime I sneeze too????? How is that ballsy????

SORRY ONCE AGAIN FOR SUCH A LONG RESPONSE, BUT THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE ASK, I APPRECIATE IT SO MUCH!!!!!

[tact-and-impulse]

behind the scenes

I was so busy, but this blog is 5 years old! To commemorate, I’ll share notes and thoughts on some of the stuff I’ve written, like a behind the scenes look. Also, I’ll do anything to not think about my apartment right now.

Eating Together, Drinking Alone

Originally, Hiko was going to be responsible for some of the foreigner killings, but I thought this was too close to Kenshin’s past and it made more sense for his backstory that no one could personally be blamed. It’s easier to blame a specific person, something less abstract, and a different kind of personality would result from that trajectory. For Hiko, who removes himself from the world, the world itself had to be at fault. A natural disaster seemed to fit.

I expanded on Tae’s personality, since I think what we see in canon is her customer service face. It’s the nicest, most self-effacing version of oneself. She’s still pleasant of course, but she’s also brave and lively and that’s the side I wanted to showcase more. Not drastically different from her public face, but a different face regardless.

I never intended for Hiko and Tae to kiss. Sorry! Part of it was that a lot of period dramas don’t necessarily have kissing, and part of it was while I was writing it, I wasn’t really thinking of them together in a physical sense. I was more focused on their emotional connection and actually getting Tae to fall for him. Also, with how intensely private Hiko is, any intimate scenes would be fade-to-black.

I fully believe that kids aren’t a requisite for a happy ending, and I hint that Tae would probably have fertility struggles anyway because her sister and mom did. However! If they did have a kid together in an AU, I imagine it’d be a daughter who’s ambitious and confident and the epitome of “hi I’m here to ruin everything”.

The line “You’re not business, Sekihara” caught me by surprise when I was rereading earlier this year, because I don’t remember writing that? But it’s so swoon-worthy? Damn, good job, past me.

In the epilogue, when Keita mentions “Aoshi and the girls”, that was supposed to be a setup for a work about the kids. So, Aoshi and Misao have three daughters, who are rowdy and energetic and exactly what their dad deserves lmao. They’re a bit on the younger end, closer in age to Keita and Sumire. Their names were Narumi, Ruriko, and Sorano!

The Master and Her Pet

The master of the other dojo in the tournament, Ishii, makes a cameo in At Arm’s Length, in one of Koshijiro’s teenage flashbacks!

From what I recall, the alcohol that Sano sent them is sombai, which is a strong liquor with herbs. I’ve never had it, I just read descriptions of the taste. It seemed to be suitable because I imagine he’d be in the part of the world it comes from, and since it’s a rice based liquor, it would be palatable to them.

One of the reviews thought that Hitomi is pregnant but she’s not. Tbh she’s down to smash any time, but Kazumasa would never have sex before marriage. Also, it’s funny that while the guys are in the parlor, having a deep conversation about what it means to be a good husband, the girls are upstairs talking about the logistics of 69′ing.

With These Hands

Things may seem off in regards to Kaoru’s residency, but that’s because I used the Japanese version, which is different than here in America, and because I was younger then, so I didn’t know as much about the process. I’ll probably rewrite and fix things around when I have time!

I kinda threw Soujiro under the bus, but I wanted to use him as a stand-in for what someone told me. Over the years, I’ve also realized that while it may be true, I’ve been more receptive to the same advice when it comes from a woman, because it’s a matter of firsthand experience. Otherwise, it just sounds like the person is contributing to the problem, despite their intentions.

There’s an in-story reason why Kenshin is so forward towards Kaoru, and it’s not necessarily romantic (at first), but yeah, it’s on purpose!

At Arm’s Length

To be honest, I don’t put a lot of stock in Freudian psychology, but it’s not coincidental that some of Koshijiro’s personality is similar to Kenshin’s. They’re both introspective, protective, idealistic, peace-loving. It’s the kind of personality that would believe in Kamiya Kasshin and its success.

Hayashi rice was a thing around this time, and the wine in it would have been off-putting to Koshijiro.

I wanted to explore why Koshijiro would fight for an end to the shogunate’s oppression, and the logical conclusion was that his mom was a commoner. Also, it made sense for his name. Miyo had just turned 20 when she had Koshijiro, and Keiichiro was in his 30s. I do have an idea for an omake about how they met, once the main story is done.

I’ve dropped some hints but Kyoko has lupus. When I was first starting the story, I didn’t really have a good idea on what her affliction was, but as I learned more, it really fit what I wanted for her (chronic, fatiguing, possibly explaining why Kaoru’s an only child, and eventually fatal at a young age in historical times).

Kyoko fell for Koshijiro when he said he wouldn’t forget her name. She’s used to being shut away and isolated, so that little reassurance meant a great deal to her. It was a crush that deepened when he got the books for her, and she cried a lot when he had to leave.

Kyoko’s parents are supposed to be a contrast to Koshijiro’s. Her parents have fallen out of love and now hardly tolerate the other’s presence, but aren’t able to separate without harming Kyoko in some way (though their staying together makes her tense too). Meanwhile, Miyo and Keiichiro can’t physically be with each other, but they’re still immensely fond of and attracted to the other. Koshijiro is just awkward around them because he doesn’t know how to deal.

I’ve written the last line already, like in 2017? So, yeah, there’s no way I’m dropping this story.

Life’s Blood and Burning Sunsets

Akane’s cousin in the WWII AU was intended to be Kagari. RIP.

I was originally going to write a spinoff about Aya, as an Inspector investigating Akane’s sudden disappearance and finding out that Kougami was her dad, but it looks like canon is going in a different (less angsty for the OTP) direction and I’m on board! Aya’s name is written as “truth”, though I imagine it’s a popular name for her generation, except written as “color”. Also unintentional, but I didn’t realize until recently that her name has the A from Akane and the -ya from Shinya. Lol.

Storm Clouds of a Faraway Sky

In Chapter 3, the rice riots really were a thing! The chaotic atmosphere fit the riots from Season 1, so it made sense to set the story in that specific year.

I stayed up until 2 am to write the last prompt and man, I don’t regret it. I still reread it now and then.

Puzzle

Originally, my gut reaction to this scene was “They’re married! They’re married!” But logically, that’s probably not the case. This was to just reconcile the two lines of thought. Having Arata as our narrator made sense because he’s an outsider, he doesn’t really know either of them, so he’s working from the ground up. And of course, there’s room to speculate.

Stouthearted

I don’t know how many people will catch this, but the way I write Tomoyo for most of the story is that she’s essentially wearing a mask. More specifically, the mask of Satoru. In my mind, she’s internalized him so well and for so long, it’s difficult even for her to drop it. Her true personality is very straightforward and direct. It comes out in little moments like when she’s crying at night, or the scene when she says “I didn’t like it when Shinya started, and I still don’t.” I was going to reveal this via a flashback when she met with Professor Saiga at some point, and he notices this, which instigates her strong dislike of him. But I couldn’t find a way to naturally put it in. Maybe as a separate oneshot someday?

[moonlight-chi77]

|| nct dream // Zhong Chenle // Chewing gum ||

Type: Fluff

Words: 1.361

Warnings: 'E-girl', exclusion

7am and you drew the pink blush on your cheeks and your nose, trying to not let it fall on your black in black Outfit, looking like the E-Girl you always wanted to. You know it scared the others but it was alright, you didn't even wanted anyone to know how your personality really was.

"Y/n breakfast!" your mother screamed friendly and you walked upstairs to the kitchen "Again?" she asked, tired of your strong make up and special outfits "I love you too Mom" you giggled as you sat down, waiting for your little brother and sister, which were twins and 4 years old now. "Good Morning my little sunshines" you smiled and patted both of their hands "Good Morning" they screamed full of life energy you didn't even had left.

The three of you started eating your breakfast before you stud up and packed your water bottle and placed it into your school bag, not eating anything in school but sometimes chewed a gum. "Bye Bye" you shouted, hearing your mom complaining as you closed the door laughing before walking to the train station and driving 20 minutes before getting in the bus for another 10 minutes and then taking the 5 minute walk to your school, you always liked the long way to your school even on the bad days.

"Morning" Seonghwa, your only true friend, said as you walked into the building "Hey, I have math, and you?" he shrugged his shoulders "Yeosang? What subject do we have now?" he asked his friend which always walked with you but never really talked "History" he mumbled and walked to Hongjoong and his other friends "Why does he always walks away? He really doesn't like me" you mumbled in return "Nah, he's just shy and you're intimidating" he laughed and walked away as well "Idiot" you said loudly, scaring some other kids causing you to roll your eyes and walk to class annoyed as always.

In class there were already some students, some annoying and some you actually would like to get close but as already noticed nobody liked you, nobody except Seonghwa who'll graduate soon and then you'll be completely alone. "May you sit down as well?" the teacher asked "May you shut up" you whispered, only a few classmates heard it but not the teacher, who only saw you walking to you place next to a random girl.

*Break*

You all were allowed to stay in all break, just how you did it all the time but the most would buy some food or drinks, the same did Chenle and his friends who came back just now, only like 10 people were in class, including them.

Chenle held some Chewing gums in his hand and everyone of them chewed one, you wanted one too, but as you searched in your bag you found nothing but an empty package "Can I have one?" you asked, kinda cold as you shore up your hands on his table looking directly in his eyes "Oh-ehm..here" he said and handed you the full package, you grabbed one as you rolled your eyes. "Thanks" were your words before you threw them to him, but he couldn't grab them so they hitted his face, making you look like a bully.

The few students looked at you kind of shocked even though they already thought that you were like that, of course you weren't but nobody believed that, no one but Seonghwa of course, who you text this situation. 'That's kinda funny lol' was his only response to that, you threw your phone into your bag making a loud noise before standing up and walking out of class, everyone looked scared as you walked next to them to the toilets.

You hated school, not people. That was everything. But everyone was so damn afraid that they wouldn't notice that, not even that you tried your best in everything. And this annoyed you even more than school, no one knew you but everyone hated you for nothing at all.

*Few days later*

Chenle and his friends were buying stuff in a near convince store once again and this time you were fully alone in class and had gums with you so you decided to lay one on his place, wanting to be friendly like you normally were.

His friends only came back when a few classmates already sat there, looking confused when they saw the gum on Chenle's place but he looked over to you, seeing your smile as he grabbed it and unpacked it. "Thanks" he mouthed for no one but you, his friends still were kinda confused but sat down on their places quickly as they saw you standing up "You kids really should stop being afraid over nothing" Chenle than said smiling at you, you laughed in return and laughed, making everyone shocked before you walked out of class to the restrooms.

*a few days later*

"Wait" Chenle screamed through the whole floor "Could you please at least try to be quiet?" you asked him with a friendly smile but he only shrugged his shoulders "Never tried it" he smiled before the both of you walked out "So we're friends now, or what?" you asked in a cold tone making him slightly scared "Yeah, I would like to know you better so I'm going home with you and stay there for a few hours" he said like it were normal. "You're unbelievable" you laughed before talking once again "But alright" you shrugged your shoulders "That really worked?" he asked kind of impressed "I mean I have no friends, excluding Seonghwa, so why should I be unfriendly? Also we're not in school anymore so my mood is pretty good" you smiled "You just hate school?" he asked shocked but you only nodded "Bruh I thought you wanted to kill everyone because you hate human beings" he laughed high pitched.

*after the long way home*

"I'm home Mom" you said loudly as you opened the door "Y/n" the twins screamed as they ran into your open arms "Hey my sunshines how was kindergarten today?" you asked them in a soft tone, still in the hug, they told you what they did before looking strangely to Chenle "That's a boy out of my class, don't be afraid he doesn't bite" you laughed so they hugged him while you got out of your shoes. "Mom? I'm in my room, a classmate is over, is that alright?" you asked as you kissed her forehead, standing on you tiptoes while she got down a little, making Chenle giggling "It's okay, I'm happy when you're not only with Seonghwa" she smiled making you roll your eyes "I'm not gonna stop meeting him" you showed her your tongue before dragging Chenle in your room "I'm gonna change" you said while getting things out of your closet "Just look around but don't open anything" you laughed before walking to the bathroom.

You came back with no make up and a soft pyjama, not caring what he would think about it but laughing as you saw him smiling widely at you.

"It's really late, I think he should stay here" you mom said at the dinner "Oh no, it's alright" he said immediately "Nah, it's better like that. I'll give you clothes of my older brother and we can talk for another 4 hours" you smiled at him, already having the feeling that you were best friends. "Okay" he gave in smiling at you too, even holding your hand under the table and not that you would ever say that out loud but your crush on him only grew bigger.

*Now*

You smiled as you thought about 'the old times' when you sat on Chenle's lap "Want one?" he asked as he held Chewing Gums in his hand "Of course" you smiled and took one, being happy that you now were best friends. Seonghwa already left the school so Chenle now were your only friend, his friends still tried to run away from you but you got the feeling that all of you will get close soon, so you were more than happy.

[connor-murphy-trash]

hi can i blease have some modern au Race hcs? idc what i just love him

AN: Hi guys! I am so sorry this has been in my inbox for forever. I’m not sure if this is even coherent at this point because I wrote to over the course of two weeks because I couldn’t focus on it. So I don’t know how this came out. But I hope you enjoy it anyways!

TW: Being sick, talks about an orphanage

Word Count: 1,733

Genre: Fluff

You were the new kid in school

It was your first week there

You would always ride the bus

Your parents used the only car your family had so they could go to work

Of course, the bus you rode was always the last one to show up

So you would hang around just people watching or working on some homework or something

But you were stuck on a question for your bio homework

Then you spotted someone across the room who was in the same class as you

So you went to ask him for help

You walked over to him

And he was sitting with a bunch of other boys

Who you assumed were all friends because they seemed to always ride the same bus and hang out together at lunch

You introduced yourself to him

And he said his name was Elmer

He walked you back to the bench you were originally sitting on

And helped you with the question

Once it was done

You thanked him

And started talking

His bus was about to pull up so you quickly exchanged numbers so if you had any more questions about the homework he could help you

Soon after Elmer’s bus left

Yours arrived

Later that night you and Elmer started talking again

Just getting to know each other

You told him how nice it was to have someone to talk with

Considering you hadn’t made any new friends at the school yet

So Elmer invited you to sit with him and some of his other friends at lunch the next day

You agreed to do so

So the next day you met his friends

And there were a LOT of them

Luckily you got on quite well with them all

You aren’t going to lie tho

It was kinda intimidating

There were just so many of them to keep track of

Then you asked how they all had met

In the most casual way, you had ever heard

Albert said that they all lived at the same orphanage

You were slightly shocked by this

You just didn’t expect it

But you accepted it and moved on with the conversation

The boy nicknamed Finch was telling you about how good his aim with a slingshot is

When a VERY attractive blond boy sat in the only empty seat left at the table

Which just so happened to be right next to you

“Are you guys trying to replace me with some new kid?”

He gasped and made an overdramatic hurt expression

Which made you laugh a little

Hearing you laugh made the boy smile slightly

You introduced yourself and he said  he went by the name Racetrack Higgins

Race for short

“Well it’s very nice to meet you ‘Race for Short’”

It was his turn to laugh at your joke

“I like them, Jack can we keep them?”

Jack seemed like he was the main person in charge

All of the other boys seemed to look up to him and respect his decisions

So when Race asked this

Everyone’s attention turned to Jack

“I suppose if they want to stick around, they can”

The boys were very happy about this

It was surprising to have so much praise just because Jack said you could stay

You guess then that’s a big deal

They even add you to their group chat

Which you imagine is going to be constantly blowing up your phone

But it’s okay

Because you finally made some friends!

A few weeks later, you were fully part of their group

You got a chance to message and talk with each of them individually

And you loved them all

But you loved Race the most

As in

You developed a slight crush on him

But you weren’t going to act on those feelings

You just barely became friends with everyone

You weren’t going to ruin that all because you had a crush

Everything was going amazing with your new group of friends

You were super close to Elmer, Jojo, Mush, and Davey

But you loved all of the boys

And girls

Jack was officially dating Katherine Plummer

Apparently, he had been pining over her for a while

So it was kinda a big deal

Also Davey’s sister, Sarah, recently started hanging out with you guys too

It was nice to have some gal pals and not be stuck with the boys all the time

One day you had to stay home from school because you were sick

You normally would have the first period with Jojo, Specs, and Race

So when both you and Race didn’t show up

Specs asked if you were out for the day in the group chat

He said that Race was home sick too

You weren’t the closest with Race

Because you didn’t want your feelings for him to grow and ruin your chance in the whole friend group

So when he texted you privately

And asked how you were doing

It threw you off a little

But you did have to admit

It was nice knowing he cared about you

You told him about how you weren’t feeling well

You had a fever and could barely breathe and had a bad cough

Basically, you had a really bad cold

And apparently, Race had one too

Just not quite as bad as you

You couldn’t really do much but lay in bed

Whereas Race just had a stuffy nose and a bit of a cough

So he offered to come over to your house and keep you company

Also to take care of you because both of your parents were going to be at work all day

You tried to make up an excuse because you didn’t want your crush to see you when you were this gross and sick

But your foggy brain couldn’t think of any good ones

So you reluctantly agreed

Race got to your house about a half hour later

Despite it being a ten-minute drive from the orphanage to your house

When Race showed up

He had a shopping bag filled with things

Simple snacks like crackers, cheerios, Sprite, etc

And a few things to entertain you both like movies and playing cards

You were not expecting all of that

But it was sweet nonetheless

You guys played a few rounds of go fish

Because that’s all you could handle mentally at the moment

And afterward, you were exhausted

Having no energy sucks

But Race didn’t want you to push yourself

So he offered to put on a movie

He apparently brought a bunch of Disney and Pixar movies

And he had you choose which one to watch first

You chose Tangled

He put it into your computer and set it up to play on your TV

Then he sat next to you on your bed

His back up against your headboard

Sitting on top of the blankets

You were laying underneath them curled into a ball

“You can lay down with me Race, it’s okay”

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I’m okay right here.”

“Race you are sick too. I’m telling you to lay down, you don’t have a choice.”

So he scooted down so he was laying

Still on top of the blankets

“Get your ass under here Race. You are going to get cold.”

“Are you sure, Y/N?”

He was so nervous about making you feel weird

It was cute

But you told him to get under the blankets

So he did

And he stayed on his side of the bed

Eventually, you started to drift into sleep

As you were only half asleep you said you were cold

And you cuddled into Races side

You put your head onto his chest

And wrapped an arm around his middle

“Is this okay?” you mumbled

Even tho you were half asleep and didn’t really know what you were doing you still asked

That made him blush a little

He said it was okay

Then he slowly wrapped his arms around you

As if he was protecting you from the outside world

He repeated your question to make sure you were comfortable with it

All he got in response was a slight head nod and a small hum of approval

And you snuggling even closer to him

Now he was really blushing

He was glad your eyes were closed so you couldn’t see it

Or the small smile that was forming on his face

Soon you drifted off into a peaceful dreamland

Race stayed awake for a little while just watching the movie

And making sure you slept peacefully

But eventually, the wear of the day mixed with the fact that he was also ill got to him

And he too drifted off into a peaceful slumber with you in his arms

Right where you belonged

Once school ended Sarah and Davey came over to your house to check on you

They had texted you earlier in the day to make sure that was okay

They let themselves into your house

And went up to your bedroom

Their jaws dropped when they saw you and Race cuddled up sleeping

Sarah immediately took out her phone and snapped a pic of you two

They decided you looked well taken care of

So they left a note on your desk and went home

About 20 mins later both your phone and Races were blowing up and awoke you from your peaceful slumber

You both checked your phone and the group chat was freaking out

You scroll up to the top of the new messages

NEW TEXT FROM: Sar Bear💖🐻

“Davey and I went to check on you two, but you seemed to be doing just fine without us 😉😍”

*insert picture of you and Race cuddled up with a Disney movie in the background*

All of the boys were hounding on you two in the chat

Sending heart eyes, key smashes, and “I SHIP IT"’s

Also some “I called it!” and “Use protection”’s

When you saw all this you were so embarrassed

You wanted to hide away forever

But before you could pull away from the cuddling position you were in with Race

He held you even tighter to his body

And gave you a small kiss on your forehead

Maybe getting tested wasn’t going to be too bad

As long as you had Race right by your side

[feel199x]

 boyfriend!chan

❣ summary: chan is working super hard for his next comeback, and he’s very clingy once he comes back. he’s also very adamant on being the best boyfriend you’ll ever have

❣ warnings: none,  i think!

❣ request: yes!

❣ a/n: i kinda,,, went overboard anon im sorry :( i hope u like it ʕ´• ᴥ•̥`ʔ  masterlist

Your boyfriend was super hard-working, and although you admired him for it, it was both his greatest personality aspect and his worst. Chan was an angel, he really was, but this comeback was absolutely tiring him out. He did his best to keep up with you and give you attention, but as the comeback approached, the messages got scarcer and scarcer. You weren’t upset with him because you knew that he was in an incredibly demanding field of work, and thus, couldn’t always give you his undivided attention. Chan still felt bad though and always spoiled you when he had free time. You scolded him every time, but he could never take you seriously with how flustered you always ended up. Chan was the kind of guy who went all out in everything he did, and this included gifts. For your year and half anniversary (was that even a thing people celebrated?) he had written you a song and given you a matching set of necklaces. Chris was just everything you could’ve asked for and more, he always listened and did his best to make the relationship run smoothly. Even when you had gotten insecure about dating him, thinking that he would fall for another idol or suddenly come to a realization that you weren’t good enough, he always reassured you. It had been nearly two years now, and coincidentally your anniversary was only a couple days after their first comeback stage.

You weren’t too worried about it, Chan always took this sort of thing very seriously. Even if he didn’t do anything too special, you wouldn’t get upset with him. He was a busy guy, and you were aware of this when you started to date him. It was actually Chris who was nervous about dating you, not because of the fans or media but because he feared not giving you the love, care, and attention that you deserved. Even with how understanding you were, you still missed him. It was a good thing exams were coming up because otherwise you would be getting nostalgic rereading the text messages between you and him. And you tried not to do that, you really did but studying was so boring and stressful, all you wanted to do was fall asleep with Chan. You were almost successful with your studying session, but you swore that you had heard your phone buzz. You nearly lept onto your bed, and no there weren’t any messages but, a break couldn’t hurt right?

that rapper from hot sauce i love or smthn: hey babe im sorry for not giving you attention

that rapper from hot sauce i love or smthn: ive just been swamped with work

that rapper from hot sauce i love or smthn: i miss u and im three secs away from abandoning my kids. i am so tired. i love you baby

that rapper from hot sauce i love or smthn: by the way did you change my contact name?

you: its okay chris! dont worry about it, work is a priority. I love you too :(

you: and yes!

you: sent an image

the nice guy whojust has a lot of money: im divorcing u and leaving you with the kids

you: no please im not ready to be a single parent

you: channie please i love u

the nice guy who just has a lot of money: okay for love i guess

the nice guy who has just has a lot of money: i guess...i really am a nice guy who just has a lot of money

the nice guy who just has a lot of money: i have to go, i’ll try calling later but no promises. i miss and love you lots baby

you: oh mYGOD

you: please remember to rest babe, i love and miss u too

You sighed, shutting off your phone and holding it against your chest. He hadn’t called that day, nor since. You understood that he had responsibilities, but absence makes the heart grow fonder, you guess. Their comeback stage was tomorrow, and they were driving over to a city who’s name you forgot. You would’ve gone, if you hadn’t had finals all day and it was hours away. You felt terrible for not being able to go out and support him but Chan insisted that you stayed and rested instead of taking a bus up to their stage. You loved that man, you really did. You glared at the textbook on your desk, hoping that it would suddenly set combust into flames. But alas, you were but a mortal. Before resuming your studying, you pulled at your desk drawer to reread the motivational sticky notes that Chan would always leave around your place. You sighed, looking over the sticky notes that have since lost their sticks but made your face warm just staring at it.

Like mate, stop procrastinating!

If you get better than a passing grade i’ll let you yell at me about sleeping

Do you know how smart you are? You’re like Einstein, if he was hot

I love you but i’ll love you a little less if you fail

You smiled to yourself, your cheeks hurting and flustered from the notes. You must’ve been a patron saint in your past life because he was just, amazing. You really hoped there was a future in store for the two of you, because he made you feel like it was your first time falling in love all over again. He made you weak in the knees, and always made you feel like you were the only one for him. Maybe it was a little silly how those sticky notes motivated you, but whatever worked, right? You continued to review the notes, Chan’s voice nagging you about the formulas you hadn’t quite memorized yet in your head. But eventually, your eyes grew weary and you shut off your desk lamp, collapsing onto your bed.

Exams were, in short, not fun. You were fairly sure you had passed, but only by the hair on your head. Maybe it was the anxiety speaking- you had yet to completely flunk an exam, but it could always happen. You’d worry about that in a couple weeks, it was future you’s problem. Right now, all you wanted was to eat take-out and watch Stray Kid’s comeback. It was fairly late when you got back home, the light outside already dimming and fading to a night gradient. You watched the clock anxiously, waiting for their stage to air on TV.

You were never one to overreact, but something about seeing your boyfriend doing what he loved on stage, seeing all his hard work pay off- it made you yell at the screen. It made you yell in the same way a sports fan yells at the players and refs, and only Chris could do this to you. As soon as his stage ended, you texted him, hyping him up. You knew he’d be doing a live shortly after, but at least he’d see it soon enough. Unfortunately, you collapsed in the middle of his live, exhaustion finally catching up with you. You thought your phone buzzed again but being half-asleep you brushed it off.

“___! ___, get up!”

“Love of mine, light of my life, shh…”

You groaned but laughed as he pulled at your arms. You wrapped your arms around his shoulders as he pulled you closer. “I missed you,” he murmured against your lips, pressing a kiss on them, “I’m sorry about being gone so much.” You tilted your head, smiling at him. “Hey,” you said softly, cupping your face, “Don’t worry about it, let’s get some sleep. Actually, what time is it?”

“Three am.”

“Chris!”

“Look,” he whined, “You can’t yell at me I drove six hours to be with you.” He threw you over his shoulder, “Plus, we’re going to sleep, like right now. I’ll even sleep in.” He flopped you on your bed and you crossed your arms as he took off his shirt, wiggling your eyebrows. “Wow,” you teased, “He’s hot.”

“You’re so gross,” he murmured, laying his head on your chest but not before leaving butterfly kisses up your collarbone, “How did the test go?” You sighed, playing wth his head of curly hair. “It went okay, I think. But this isn’t about me. Your stage was amazing, you did great. Phenomenal, spectacular, fantastic, ground-breaking-”

“Alright!” he sighed, “I don’t deserve you.” He tightened his arms around your waist, kissing your shoulder again. “Oh, Chris don’t start,” you scolded softly, “You’re the greatest boyfriend ever, and you work really hard. Now, shut up and go to sleep.”

“You have such a way with words, I’m swooning.”

“I love you.”

“I love you more.”

“I love you most.”

“Impossible-”

“Hm? What? I can’t hear you over the enormous amount of sleep I’m getting.”

You groaned, moving to rub your eyes but finding Chan’s arms tightly wound around you. “Don’t even think about it,” his voice was raspy and low, “I got it.”

“Chan,” you whined, “You have to eat, just stay in-”

“Later.”

You sighed again, and Chris pulled you closer pressing lazy kisses up your neck and jaw. His eyes were still closed, and you looked at him dreamily. His hair was messy, and he looked so much more relaxed, muscles less tight and tense. He was under so much stress, and it was good to see him finally take a break, even if it was only for a couple of hours. You fell asleep against his chest, feeling each heartbeat against the side of your face. And maybe you should’ve felt a little bad for waiting until he fell into a deep sleep to wriggle out of his arms (which was weirdly difficult, the guy had a strong grip) to make him breakfast. You weren’t sure what diet he was on, but you were sure that no one would mind if he cheated just a little bit.

“____! Are you doing what I think you’re doing?”

You exhaled, biting the inside of your cheek as you heard him step into the kitchen, trying your best to ignore. He hugged you from the back, letting his head rest on your shoulder, kissing the nape of your neck. “I told you we could do it later.”

“Well, it is later, Chan.”

“But we could’ve just ordered something,” he whined, “Come back to bed, please.”

“After I make you breakfast.”

“I really hoped it wouldn’t have to come to this.”

“Come to wh-?”

He picked you up, throwing you over his shoulder. “Chris put me down or I swear-”

“No,” he sat on top of you, “We’re ordering in, and we’re going to eat in bed and stay here until we become one with the bed.”

“You’re crushing me,” you groaned, “Get off you bum.”

“It’s the diet they’ve got me on, I’ve got hella gains, man.”

“Yeah I saw your thrist trap on insta, you hoe.”

“It’s not a thirst trap!”

“Well, I don’t know about that. Have you read the comments?”

“Now, listen-”

“Shut up,” you propped yourself up and kissed him, and as he leaned into it, you pushed him off.

“You play so, so dirty,” he whined, “Come here and make it up to me.” You snorted but rolled into his arms anyway. “I love you,” you said and stared at him, “A lot. Even with your hella gains, man.” He cupped your face, thumbs stroking your cheeks. “But I love you most.” You opened your mouth so protest, but he shushed you with a kiss. “Don’t start,” he said in between gasps of deep kisses, “Just let me spoil you.”

It had been a couple days since their first stage, and later that day Chris needed to go back to the dorms to tend to his children. He insisted on staying longer, but Woojin was blowing up his phone. You guessed that the group got themselves in another mess. Your anniversary was coming up, and this was the first time you were scared that he forgot. He was usually much better about this than you, and always went a bit too far with his gifts. You had already got his present, an expensive chain necklace you took extra shifts to pay for, but it was worth it when the jeweler handed you the chain. You loved the idea of people getting their boyfriends flowers, so you got an arrangement made. You even had a photo album made of your favorite moments together, and songs that were attached to those moments. Okay, maybe it was a little corny, but you worked hard on it. Chan hadn’t messaged you since then, and you assumed it was because he was busy, but you were getting antsy.

And just like you had before, you nearly jumped to your phone when you heard your phone buzz.

iron man in the streets but better than tony: check under your bed

you: ?? okay

You crouched on the floor, pulling out a simple box, and inside of it was silk clothing with a card with an address and time stamp on it.

you: chris

you: what have you done

you: CHRISTOPHER

you: IM GOING TO END YOU

you: YOU SAID YOU WEREN’T GOING OVERBOARD

you: YOU IDIOT YOU HAVE READ RECEIPTS ON

You’d be lying if there wasn’t a stupid grin on your face as you put on your attire. It took you a while to get ready, work and school hadn’t exactly given you room for self-care but you tried your best to look nice. You looked up the address, and much to your dismay, it was an overpriced fine dining restaurant. The cab driver gushed over your date, complimenting you and wishing you the best of luck on your future endeavours, even blessing your marriage. It was a little weird, but endearing. You hadn’t even called a cab, but instead you got a message saying your ride was there.

You expected Chan to be outside waiting for you outside, but instead, you were greeted by a very nice waiter who’s name you didn’t catch. He beckoned you to follow him. The restaurant was pantheon themed, very airy and light colors decorating the entire place. It was definetly the nicest restaurant you’ve ever been to, but you thought the same thing for your year and half anniversary too. You clutched onto your gifts awkwardly, and the waiter helped you carry the bouquet of flowers.

“Any chance you can tell me what else he has planned?” “Afraid not, he warned me about this.”

“Smart man.”

You were sat at a table in the center, the stained glass letting a pool of warm colors illuminate the room and everyone’s faces. The flowers sat delicately on your lap, and the jewelry box laid on tope of the table, your fingers dancing across it’s edges. That’s when you heard the violins start playing, crowding around your table and playing a dainty tune. You felt a blush creep on your cheeks as you rubbed them, trying to smile less. And there he was, on top of the small stage meant for the classical instrument players to sit on. You wanted to glare at him, but all you could do was smile at his gestures. He winked at you, beginning to sing a song. You were about to cry, rubbing your eyes as the song ended.

“Was I that bad?”

“No, god, no,” you pulled out the flowers and handed it to him, “I know that can’t be the end of it, so let me give these to you.” He looked through the photo album, pursing his lips as tears brimmed at the brink of his eyes. He opened the jewelry box, pulling out the fancy chain necklace you had gotten him. “Oh, baby,” he murmured, “Did you pick up extra shifts for these? You shouldn’t have…”

“Chan, literally look at everything you planned, and say that to my face again.” He smiled, pulling the chain over his head so he could wear it with his suit. You decided that he looks best while wearing fancy suits like this. Perfectly tailored to him, even if bits of chest was visible through his half-buttoned shirt. “You’re right though,” he said, “I’m not done.” He pulled out a little box out of a pocket from inside his jacket. “It’s a promise ring,” he said as he slid it across the table, “You are the love of my life, ____, and I think it’s a bit too early to full-on propose to you, but I want to make the promise that I will one day.”

You opened the box, the expensive ring nearly blinding you as the warm light hit it. “God, I hate you so much, Chris,” tears were streaming at your face, a smile glued to your face.

“Do you like it?”

“No.”

“No? We could change it- or replace it? Or-”

“I love it, and you so much.”

“I love you most.”

“No-”

“Shh,” he kissed you, “Don’t start.”

[prorevenge]

Cheat on my dad? I ruin your life.

Just to be clear I'm not sure if what I did would be more suited for petty revenge, but the results are pro I think. Also this is looooong so tl;dr at bottom. I really didn't think I'd ever have material to post here so I'm a little excited.

So a little over a week ago I caught my dad's whore wife at a hotel pool with a man I'll call Steroid Douche or SD for short. Guess what they were doing. Hint: Not swimming.

See she and SD have some history. About a year ago she left my Dad for SD. This was just a mere six months after my father married her. So my dad let her go and started the divorce stuff . Unfortunately she came crawling back to him before the divorce could happen. She claimed SD beat her, SD doesn't love her, she made a mistake! So my dum dum Dad takes her back. Now here she is only 4 months later playing tonsil hockey with SD at a hotel pool when she should be at her office working. She didn't see my husband and I, so we took some super sweet pics and slipped outta there.

I'm not going to lie. I was super pissed. I was going to send the pics off to my Dad right then and there. However hubby and I decided that there was more that could and should be done.

Now I'll try to keep this brief, but there's something I need to add. My dad has supported this women and her children for years and she is not a cheap women to have around. She has only very recently gotten herself a job. A very nice one in fact. She is actually in the process of owning about 1/3 of the business. My sisters and I have speculated that this recent success might be because of extra marital activities with the fairly wealthy recently divorced business owner, who spontaneously took my Dad's wife under his wing. Ill call the business owner BO.

Now I had no proof that she was cheating on my dad with BO, only with SD . However I figured it wouldn't hurt to reach out to BO with my findings to see how he would react. Since she was supposed to be at work, she must of called off. So I called her office.

"Hi, this is tinamoe I'm calling about [whorey wife] is BO there?"

-- I should mention my dads wife pretended to be a loving stepmom( she's not). Well that also meant pretending to have a hard but endearing relationship with me. In fact her office is plastered in pics from Facebook of myself and family. So people in her office know who i am and didn't have any issue with transferring me to BO.---

BO: Hi tinamoe, is everything ok with [whorey wife]

Me: Well kind of, it depends. How close are you really with my dad's wife?

BO: Ex-Excuse me? (He totally stammered)

Me: Nevermind. Look I'm going to be straight with you. [Whorey wife] is out with SD when she should be there working.

Silence

Me: Hello?

BO: Why should I believe you. All you've done is lie about [whorey wife]

--- ya my dads wife is a permanent victim.

Me: Ill send you some pics i took.

BO: [email address]

I send the pics and get no response.

I decide to call SDs gym, which is also my gym. There's been a pretty awful rumor going around about SD. Apparently he's been selling steroids to fellow gym members. So I told them SD tried to sell me steroids there last week (this was lie). I told them I didn't feel safe going there anymore so I'd like to cancel my membership. They asked if I was going to go to the police and file a report, I told them no that SD was prone to anger and I didnt want to risk retaliation. They understood. Membership canceled. I know this seems irrelevant but this gym takes these kind of things seriously especially when a complaint results in an end of a membership. At the very least they will be looking to cancel his membership too.

So then finally after all that I send my Dad the pics I took of his wife with a long drawn out message about support and love and whatnot.

Now to the good part. Its been a week since I saw what I saw and did what I did. Here are the results of my half assed sabotage.

Whore wife lost her job, and any chance at being a co owner. BO trashed her shit in the office and actually made a huge scene. Which lead to a pretty nasty heavily detailed review on a local Facebook rant page from a customer that was in the establishment. Our town is pretty small so a review like that can be a bit damaging, and because of the contents it really hurt whore wife's image. Someone even shared a story about her husband having an affair with my Dad's wife 3yrs ago at her last job.

Wouldn't you know it SD had rented out a locker at the gym. Since the waiver you sign to rent a locker allows the gym to open your locker whenever they feel necessary, SD ended up getting his locker searched. What they found in the locker according to the police blotter, was a freaking unregistered hand gun. So poor SD is going to prison(probley). Yeah seriously great way to bullshit myself into a win. Did I mention hes a felon? HA, you can guess how that worked out for him. Bu-bye.

My Dads wife is now living in a hotel. Between the pics, BO firing her and then SD being sent away, my dad threw her ass out. She is super upset about SD. Hysterical to be more precise.

She refuses to come see her kids who are still living with my Dad. My Dad is being civil and trying to keep everything super calm for the them. She doesn't seem to care about my Dad or the kids at all tho. She did give me a call. I let it go to voicemail. I couldn't really make out what she said, but between the shrieks and sobbing I caught "I'm going to kill you" and "you ruined my life" I might get a restraining order idk yet. I'm kinda giddy about this. My Dad will hopefully start being happier.

TL;DR: I caught my dads wife cheating. So I got her fired from her job, got her boyfriend arrested(oops), and now she holed up in hotel.

(source) (story by tinamoe)

[sol1056]

a bunch more asks waiting their turns so politely

These are all various asks about the likelihood of a remake, a rewritten season, or a spinoff. 

1 could we get an alternate version 2 is a rewrite for S8 a viable option 3 would they change the ending for a spin-off 4 are single-episode edits possible for S8 5 will S7 reactions affect S8 6 how will DW get us to watch S8

Behind the cut.

With the shitstorm that vld became, would dreamworks ever take pity on us and remake some seasons of voltron that turned out like crap, or not even air, just release them as alternate versions on dvd? Im questioning the possibilities, not the probabilities, bc Im really not optimistic about that, I just wanna know if a show can do that and what would it take for the company to snap their fingers and be like "lets do it" (besides having money)

It’s not like frequent reboots don’t have precedent in other franchises; hell, comics do it on the regular. It’s also much cheaper to do a series of graphic novels or full novelizations geared towards an older audience. The problem there is that Dreamworks isn’t a comic book company or a publishing house; that part of the franchise would have to be farmed out to someone else. 

My guess --- if another remake is ever a possible option --- it’d be several years down the road. The first version would be set aside as, say, the Y-7 version for kids and family, and then you’d find a new angle for the next version. 

If DW got the impression there was a massive older crowd (say, 25-45) who would’ve eaten up a more mature, somewhat darker, version? Sure, why not try to grab that audience? I mean, look at the Castlevania series: it’s not pulling any punches on making clear it’s for adults. That would also require a different business model, since what adults like to buy for themselves is very different than what kids want. Skip the cake toppers, for starters. 

do you think given the reaction to VLD S7, is a rewrite for S8 a viable option? I feel the fandom is divided about the general reaction to S7. If JDS and M can just [focus on the fanbase segment] that liked it, why [bother trying to fix it for those] that didn't?

Given what I’ve been seeing in terms of data from the season... I think they aimed to please everyone and ended up pleasing no one. 

Pretty sure I’ve said something to this extent before: when you can’t please everyone, the answer isn’t to split the difference and piss everyone off. The answer is to pick your audience and give them the best damn story you can. The rest will sort itself out.

Let me put it this way: there are enough people who didn’t like S7 for the crummy animation, the OOC dialogue and actions, and the nonsensical storyline overloaded with a host of new characters that stole time from the actual protagonists. And there are also enough people who didn’t like S7 for queerbaiting the audience, killing off three out of four queer characters, and sidelining the one remaining queer character. There may be some overlap between those two sets, but taken together, those two sets are pretty much the dominant majority of the fan base. 

I don’t know if that makes a rewrite a viable option, but it should be making a few execs think twice about letting the EPs/staff carry on in the same direction. I mean, you want a series to end on a high note, not an ‘omg that had such potential but boy did it self-destruct in the last two seasons’ note.  

So if DW wants to do a Voltron spin-off, would they consider changing the ending to VLD to give Shiro the things he earned so this spin-off wouldn't be dead out of the water?

That would depend entirely on whether they’ve gotten the message that Shiro’s current status isn’t good enough for a significant part of the fanbase. If all they’re hearing (or all they choose to hear) is that it’s great to sideline one of their protagonists with no in-story explanation whatsoever, what’s to tell them there’s anything that needs addressing?  

Additionally, if the entirety of the issue is Shiro --- and everyone else is just fine, thanks --- I’m not sure that’d rate as enough to warrant changing so much. More likely any spin-off would start some X length of time between, and we’d get an implied intermediary backstory (or even a mild retcon), and go from there. 

Truth is, whomever gets the spin-off will (I really hope) be a better writer and not have to deal with intrusive newbie EPs. Even then, they’d be kinda limited on what they could do, given the spin-off does need to make sense placed against the first series. Then again, VLD hasn’t respected its own premise or continuity for the past few seasons, anyway. 

So I guess there’s always the option to start with an episode that retells VLD’s ending... Kinda awkward, but not unheard of, to basically retcon a previous series out of existence.  

I have no doubt DW is looking into what went wrong with this season. I know it might be a little to late to fix all of Season 8, but do you think they would have at least maybe the last few episodes changed to give a better ending to the show - or at least more respect to Shiro as a character?

Normally I’d say no. I mean, episode 1 should have characters making choices that in turn impact episode 2, and those choices prompt the events in episode 3... but that’s a logic VLD threw out the window somewhere between S3 and S4, and it’s only gotten worse since then. 

In which case, oh sure, why not? It wouldn’t make any less sense than what they’ve already got planned, if S7 is any indication. 

Could the reaction to season 7 cause any change the execs minds going into season 8? 

One problem: this is a Dreamworks production, but it’s not a DW-owned story. It’s a franchise: there are other players involved. There are the two guys who first butchered GoLion into Voltron, Toei whose story got that embutcherment, Netflix as the distributor, along with Playmates and Lion Forge and other contracted partners. There’s a lot more people at the table than just DW. 

It’s one thing for the EPs to say they messed up, and apologize. It’s quite another for Dreamworks to admit publicly their lousy (or nonexistent) oversight allowed the situation to happen. 

Legal would have apoplexy, for starters. What wins you a franchise is often showing you have the confidence (if not sheer chutzpah) that you can do this job justice like no other. And then you hit S7 and must admit you hired people who made a complete hash of it? 

If there’s anything that will cost the EPs any future roles of a similar position, it’s that they’ve put DW in a very uncomfortable position. Caught between a furious fanbase and overly-interested co-owners, someone --- or several someones --- are treading very lightly right now. They’re not going to forget the EPs are the ones who precipitated the whole mess. 

I think we are in a unique situation where the fact that the EPs were vocal about [changing] VLD ... could be a blessing for us & DW. [But we know it] was changed, & DW's part seems to be more negligence than direct fault like the EPs. So DW can drop it or fix it, and a rewrite would be worth us sticking around, while restoring DW's name.

Again, that depends on whether DW is in a position that they can do so. I assure you they’d throw the EPs under the bus at the first opportunity, because that’s how the corporate world works. So their failure to do so is either because they don’t see the EPs’ actions as untenable (as far as we know), or because doing so would expose DW corporate to greater retaliation from elsewhere. (It could also be part of the agreement that these particular EPs are in place for the duration of the series’ production, too. Sometimes that happens.) 

I still can’t get over the fact that the EPs were so blunt about having already had a script fully written when they asked to revise. From the Studio Mir leaks, we can guess at least some of the animation was already in production at least a year ago, or earlier. That’s a lot to redo. 

Here’s something that only just occurred to me, when I listed the co-partners in this franchise: the Koplar brothers. These are the geniuses who figured they didn’t need to know Japanese to make GoLion into an american production; turns out they were geniuses on some level ‘cause it was a hit, anyway. They went on to produce Voltron: Fleet of Doom (1986), Voltron: the Third Dimension (1998), and Voltron Force (2011). If there is anyone at the table who’d be likely to have nostalgia goggles, it’d be the Koplars. This has been their ongoing story in one way or another for over 30 years. 

Originally, the EPs said they weren’t tied to nostalgia; they weren’t going to redo the story as it was, but the story as they remembered. (I’d argue this actually indicates a stronger set of nostalgia goggles, but eh.) Their determination to get rid of Shiro has always felt like nostalgia goggles to me. Perhaps the Koplars were the greatest supporters of Keith as BP --- since that would respect the pattern they’ve followed, over and over, in all the iterations. 

Considering the Koplar’s somewhat litigious background over Voltron ownership, they may’ve had the ability to overrule. So... if you want to bench Shiro, you pitch your work with the execs who are most likely to agree with you. And if you can do that in the window between the previous VP of TV retiring and a brand-new external hire coming on as VP... welp, you got permission, and the new VP may’ve signed off, not realizing the impact. 

Which would put DW over a barrel, in some ways. If DW could’ve overruled their partners, the EPs never would’ve been able to make that end-run in the first place. 

How do u think DW will try to get us to watch s8? They & the EPs have shattered our trust and the show is so messy its almost unsalvageable. 

Stay to see X point's resolution? Yeah, we stayed many seasons for nothing, next. 

We have more rep? Ex. blonde girl is autistic... So we should be scared for her too??? 

There's more queer rep? Yeah, we heard that one already. 

Unless everyone responsible is fired and a new crew runs the next seasons?

I don’t know. I would hope the answer is ‘by giving us a story that makes sense, and creates closure for all the protagonists, and not just by making two of them emotional rewards for two other characters.’ 

At this point, there is only one thing that’s going to make Dreamworks change course: if the fallout from VLD impacts its other projects. If the majority of the VLD fanbase up and announced it would be boycotting She-Ra or Fast & Furious or Trollhunters on the grounds that DW screwed up so badly with VLD that it cannot be trusted... Then you’d see movement. If the PR got so bad from so many upset and angry VLD fans that major news outlets paid attention and started writing articles about the situation, that would also put a black mark beside Dreamworks’ name -- and then you’d see movement. 

With the VLD toys a failure (for whatever mismanaged reasons) and a financial model set entirely on toys, fixing VLD now would be throwing good money after bad. Unless, of course, there’s an impact beyond just this single series. 

Until Dreamworks can see the impact in some concrete sense, they have far more to lose from their partners than they have to gain from their fanbase. It’s just how it is, with corporations in late capitalism. 

You want to make an impact? You tell Dreamworks ahead of time, and then you follow through: pick a week and go silent. Nothing about VLD, here or on twitter or anywhere else. No reblogs on She-Ra updates. Ignore the podcasts. Don’t click on the articles. That stuff’ll be there when the week is over, after all. Show DW what it’s like when a fanbase checks out, by doing it. It’s a short-term boycott, but the reason groups do boycotts is because they work. 

[theimpalaawaits]

11 pills vs Him

Summary: Female reader has struggled all her life with depression and insecurities and makes the decision to end her life.. while she be saved?

Characters: Dean x Reader, Sam, Cas, Bobby, your father(mentioned)

Word Count: 1,961

Warnings: Angst, Fluff, Suicide( related topics),

Btw sorry I kinda got carried away..

•

Depression runs in your family. Your dad had it, your grandfather had it, so did his father, and his father.. I guess they are who you have to thank for this. You should also have to blame the hunters life. Very little sleep, nightmares, loss. No wonder Dean can’t sleep almost every night and he’s been through a hell of a lot more than you have.

The morning you decided to end your life was the same morning your father took his, 4 years ago. Of course, the date had never crossed your mind with significance. November 11th.

THEN

4 years ago on November 11th

You and Sam were sitting outside of Bobby’s house, drinking beer. “Y/N cmon there’s NO way you’ve read every book in the bunker.. that’s impossible!” Sam shouts in disbelief. You laugh and take a sip of the amber liquid in your bottle and say “I’m not sure how to break it to you Sam, but I am so much smarter than you!” You giggle and run away from him. Just a few feet away, Dean is working on his baby, the 1967 Impala. One of the only things he held dear. “Hey Y/N ya’ mind grabbing me a beer?” he asks as he looks into your Y/E/C eyes with his green ones. You find yourself frozen in time, lost in the way those eyes could make you do anything.

You smile at him.. “Just a minute hot stuff!” You wink to him as you hustle up the stairs of the porch and inside the house.

DEANS POV:

While Y/N ran into the house to grab me a beer, Sam walked over to me, laughing. I rolled my eyes and shifted my focus back under the hood of my car. “What is it Sammy?” I asked, my eyes never leaving the metal parts. “Oh nothing, just the fact that Y/N is completely in love with you and you are completely in love with her, yet you both are too stubborn to admit it to the other”, he speaks, with a slight smirk on his face. I sigh loudly and turn away from my car, leaning against it. “Dean you just need to tell her how you feel before someone else decides they want her, because that will happen”. I look down at the ground, taking in my brothers advice before quickly shutting it down, saying, “Sam it won’t work. Two hunters? In love? Ganking vamps and exorcising demons while holding hands? It won’t work out! I don’t want her to-“. I stop speaking as I hear the worst sound in my world. Her scream. Her piercing, painful, terrifying scream. Before I can even decide to move, my legs are half way up the porch, rushing into the house where I see her, crumpled on the kitchen floor.

DEANS POV END

Bobby stood next to you, at a loss for words. He wished that he was never the one to deliver your fathers death to you. Hearing the words, “Your father is dead, he killed himself this morning”, was beyond comprehension. Your body collapsed as you screamed, but you couldn’t hear. All you heard was a ringing in your ears and his voice telling you goodbye, over and over and over again... the last time you said goodbye to your dad. You couldn’t feel Dean’s arms wrap around you as he desperately tried to comfort you in anyway possible. He knew nothing could heal the pain inside you. You couldn’t feel Sam’s hand rest on your head, rubbing your hair, attempting to soothe you. All you could see, hear, feel was the pain.

NOW

You couldn’t help but feel worried about now Dean would react to your death. You’re sure he would get over it eventually and be okay. He, Sam, and Cas would move on, find more cases, kill more monsters, save more people, and forget about you. You weren’t capable of being loved. Sure, Dean told you he loved you all the time. But that had to be out of pity, right? He didn’t really mean it. Sure, Sam would say “Love ya kid” when you separated or when you went on a solo hunt, but he only said that because he felt sorry for you. They could never love you. You were weak and ugly and pathetic and useless.

A few weeks after your father’s death, Dean confessed to you that he was and always had been in love with you. This day was the happiest of your life. Dean was always sweet and gentle and caring to you. You loved him with every inch of your soul. But you always knew you held him back.

On some particular hunts, you could sense Dean was playing it safe due to your presence and him having to watch your back. You’re sure he thought you would make a wrong move and get them all killed. You were a liability to all of Team Free Will. And you were done.

So, on that day, November 11th you wrote your letter. You folded it evenly, setting it on your and Dean’s bed. He wouldn’t be back for hours as he and Sam had gone on a supply run.

This was it. No more pain. No more emptiness. This was the solution...

You walked into the bathroom, turned to lock the door, and slide down the wall until you were sitting. You leaned over to the drawer in front of you and pulled out the painkillers you were prescribed after a very bad hunt landed you in the hospital. You poured exactly 11 pills into your left hand and threw the empty bottle across the room. Next to your feet was a new shiny bottle of whiskey. Your fingers tore open the cap and opened the bottle. Lifting your hand towards you, you shoved the 11 pills in your mouth and followed them with a large gulp on whiskey. You thought to yourself...no more pain.

DEANS POV:

As soon as I stepped foot in the bunker I knew something was off. It was 9 am and by now the strong smell of black coffee should be filling the main room. And yet, I smelled no coffee and no Y/N to be found. “Y/N!” I yelled, “We bought brownies!” hoping that would make her come running from wherever she was hiding. And again, not a sound. I set the bags of groceries down on the counter and started up the stairs towards our bedroom. “Babe! Where are you??” I entered our bedroom and found a small piece of paper folded on our bed. To: Dean...That’s odd, I thought to myself. I unfolded the paper and began to read.. “Dear Dean, my love, I am so sorry it has come to this but I cannot take the pain anymore..I am tired of feeling weak and useless and like a liability. I hope you will move o-“... I dropped the paper and immediately yelled for her. That’s when I noticed the bathroom door was shut, with the light on. I grabbed the handle only to find it wouldn’t budge. “Y/N! Open the door!” I yelled. No response. I began to panic and slammed my body into the door in an effort to open it. “Open the goddamned door Y/N!” After no response again, and a 3rd attempt at breaking it down, I screamed for Sam. He came running in. “Sam help me kick this door down, Y/N’s inside!” Without hesitation Sam thrust his foot against the door, in time with mine. With one more swift kick the door flew open, revealing my worst nightmare. An empty pill bottle, a open bottle of whiskey, and the love of my life, spilled across the floor.

“No! No! Y/N!” My knees slammed onto the tiled floor as I crouched down to the love of my life. I began to sob.. “Y/N.. Y/N please wake up baby please... I need you! I can’t...” I choked with my screams. “I need you Y/N I can’t do this without you! Please come back to me.. please... I love you so much baby please..” I pulled her head into my lap as tears streamed constantly down my cheeks. I looked up at the ceiling, “Cas.. I need your help.. please help Y/N.. Please Cas I need you, we need you..”. Sam sat down next to me and cried along with me.

I held her lifeless body for what seemed like hours until I heard the familiar fluttering of wings. My head snapped up and my eyes landed on my best friend, the angel. “Cas please bring her back.. heal her.. take me! I don’t care.. she just... she can’t die. She’s... she’s too good”. Cas ordered me to pick her up and lay her on the bed, which I did, blindly. “Dean, Sam, before I do this you should know that there is no guarantee that this will bring her back. I will try my best but I can only do what I can do” Cas states, determined. Sam and I nodded and watched as he began to place his fingers on her forehead.

A bright white light filled the room for a second before Cas spoke.. “I believe it has worked boys, but she still has to wake up on her own”. I strode over to Cas and pulled him in a tight hug, thanking him. He pulled away with a simple nod and vanished.

I pulled up a chair next to our bed and grabbed Y/N’s hand. Sam left a pat on my shoulder and a kiss to Y/N’s cheek before heading downstairs. After a few hours of staring at her, I succumbed to exhaustion.

DEAN’S POV END

Your eyes fluttered open as you adjusted to the light enterting your bedroom. You felt a pressure on your hand and looked to see, Dean. Had you survived? Had you been saved? You felt movement beside you as Dean stirred awake. He realized your eyes were open and stood immediately, pulling you into a tight hug. He cried, “Y/N.. oh thank god.. you better never do that to me ever again, I thought I lost you!” You lifted a hand to his cheek and stroked it softly. He sat closer on the bed to you and spoke, “Everything you wrote in that letter was wrong. You are the strongest person I have ever met. You are so incredibly beautiful and you have the most amazing smile. I am so proud of how brave and selfless you are. I love how sexy you are when you fight and show your badass side.” He grabs both your hands as he speaks. “Y/N there has never been a minute in all the years we have been hunting together that I have ever thought you were a liability or useless. You were an amazingly powerful hunter. I love you with my entire heart and soul baby. I’m so sorry you ever felt like that at all”. By the time he had finished speaking you were in tears, this time, only happy ones. “I..I’m so.. so sorry D-Dean.. I just was hurting so..so bad..”, you cried. “And I’m sorry that I didn’t see it sweetheart but we will get through this. I will fight everyday for you to see yourself the way I see you. My gorgeous, strong, smart, powerful, incredibly sexy girlfriend who I love.” He kisses you softly yet passionately. “I love you Dean”, “I love you too baby”.

And so, for the first time in a long time, you see a light. That light is Dean Winchester and he’s been there all along. For the first time in a long time, you feel as though things might begin to look up.

•

•

A/N: Thank you to anyone who reads this! This is my very first one-shot and I’m so excited! Sorry it’s SO angsty I just couldn’t help it!

If you EVER feel alone, know that there is always at least one person to talk to whether it’s your mom, dad, siblings, grandparents, friends, or even a teacher or professor. You are NEVER alone. ❤️ALWAYS KEEP FIGHTING.

[carrionkat]

Response for kateofthecanals

Here ya go, @kateofthecanals

I don’t really use Tumblr all that much so I apologize for any formatting hiccups or errors in courtesy.

Well, since I agree with literally all of your positive points (especially how Rey and Kylo’s visions could be the same, just viewed from a different perspective), and this is already getting too long I’m just going to address your negatives!

- The turning point for me, going from “YES YES YES!” to “oh…” was immediately after the team-up in the throne room, when I quickly realized that Kylo didn’t kill Snoke because he suddenly “woke up”, and he didn’t do it for Rey… he did it so that HE could be the HBIC.

I actually read the scene differently. Conflict is the central theme of Kylo’s character, so I saw him as undecided up until he realizes that he will never be out from under Snoke’s boot. He wants to be free to decide who he is and the path his destiny will take (as seen in his “let the past die” speech) and he can’t do that while Snoke lives. I think it’s less about taking charge of the First Order, and more about killing the monster who has been pulling his strings since he was an infant. And I think Snoke demanding he kill Rey is what wakes him up, in that it makes him realize that he will never be allowed to make a meaningful choice while Snoke lives. He doesn’t want to kill Rey (in fact he wants her to be a part of the future he creates). He achieves avoiding this by killing the person making her death a possibility.

- I was really bummed when Snoke “revealed” that he was the one who facilitated the Force-bond between Kylo and Rey, but I was relieved to see this wasn’t the case after all at the end when Kylo and Rey had that one last Force-encounter. But again, what was this actually worth in the end? She closed the door on him. It was established in this film, via Luke, that a Force user can close themselves off to the Force. Who’s to say Rey won’t do the same to Kylo? That she will find a way to cut him off completely? There’s literally nothing stopping her, because she has clearly given up on him…

 This is going to be a steep hill to get over, but I think a grand enough gesture from Kylo could get through to Rey. Once she knew what happened to him as a child with Luke, she forgave him for a whole lotta bad. If he were to, say, sabotage the First Order or release a prisoner or something that showed he was still conflicted, I think that could change her mind.

 - … as has everyone else. And with good reason, tbh. The moment Kylo threw Rey under the bus for Snoke’s death, declared himself new Supreme Leader, and went fucking buckwild on Luke, I knew all hope for redemption was gone. Even Leia was like, “nope, I was wrong, he’s lost for good.” Basically what I got out of this movie was, Rey and Kylo “flirt” with the other sides of the Force for a hot second but then just ultimately decide that they belong where they were in the first place. Gee wow what awesome character development…

 I think there was actually development here. Kylo has gone from puppet to free being. His personality beyond that is still malleable. The Dark is what he knows and it’s what he’s been trying to be since childhood, so it’s the path he follows, for now. I’m not sold that it will be the one he continues to follow, however. I also think the hopelessness of the situation is supposed to parallel Empire Strikes Back. We’re supposed to feel grim. This is our heroes’ lowest point; we’re only going up from here.

Also, he despises Luke for good reason. Him going buckwild on Luke isn’t really a condemnation of his entire character. His uncle, who he trusted and loved, tried to kill him. That’s gonna leave some damage. His rage isn’t born out of a hatred for Luke’s ideologies or of hatred of the Light, it’s born out of having his trust broken in the most cruel way possible. Maybe even resentment that Luke’s actions drove him into Snoke’s less-than-kind tutelage, but that’s probably reaching.

 - The revelation of Rey’s parents was just so… banal. I felt like this was thrown in there just to put the question to rest, without any additional thought or exploration, even though that was made such a HUGE deal of in TFA. But, nah, they were “nobodies”, end of story, case closed, that’s all she wrote. It was never even explained how Kylo knew about Rey’s parents!!

 The way I thought Kylo knew is because Rey knew, the whole time, and was just in denial about it. He sees it through their connection. She sees herself in the Dark part of the temple because she already knows the answer. (Also her saying she was “unafraid” while stuck in the Dark says something, but we’ll see if it gets followed up on).

 - I’ve seen people claim that this movie “shuts down” anti arguments for good and that is simply not the case. There is still plenty of ammo from this movie they can use, chief among them Kylo’s cringeworthy statement to Rey that “You’re nobody. But not to me.”

 Oof, yeah, I actively cringed when he said that. Someone’s been reading PUA shit. But if you want to dig for excuses you can bring up that Kylo has literally zero positive interactions with anyone except Rey, and is thusly a social moron who has forgotten what kindness is. What he’s saying is what Rey feels (that she’s nobody), followed up by what he feels (that she’s somebody) and with no pretty trimmings about it. It’s still a really shitty thing to say and I wish that line wasn’t there.

 - I’m glad everyone’s happy that Kylo didn’t actually KILL Leia (which I knew he wouldn’t) but I dunno how many brownie points he gets considering he still let those other fighters take her out…

 He does seem a little shocked when the other fighter’s shots connect, so maybe he was so focused on making a choice that he didn’t realize the fighter’s were taking the shot? Still, I agree with you.

 - And he barely even flinched when Snoke was torturing Rey. You’d think that, I don’t know, since they have a Force-bond and everything, that he would have been able to feel her pain or something???

 Yeah, some kind of reaction would have been nice. I thought I saw him trembling, but I can’t remember it very clearly so I would have to rewatch.

 - During Kylo’s attack on Crait, at a certain point (around the time Luke shows up), Rey just, like, disappears, completely, and doesn’t show up again until the very end to do her rock-lifting trick. Firstly, where the hell was she that whole time, but more importantly, wouldn’t it have been kind of awesome if, like, she could sense what was happening between Kylo and Luke and using their Force-bond try to talk him out of it? And see him actually STRUGGLE with it because he’s still torn between wanting to be with her and wanting to be the Big Bad? Buuuut no, because at that point, both their minds were made up, and Rey had given up on him anyway.

 Rey’s part (or lack thereof) in that battle seemed really messy narratively. There’s no reason for them to be flying over the mountains in the Falcon; they have no reason to believe that the rest of the Resistance is trying to flee the base. Why aren’t they back there in the action? Why don’t they try to blow the cannon up? Or take out the Walkers? The bond that Rey has with Kylo AND the student/teacher one she has with Luke are both just left dangling there. The Kylo/Luke confrontation is incredibly tense and I loved so many things about it, but it does feel like substance was cut for style there.

 - On a more technical level, I was really disappointed by how the Force-bond sequences were filmed. I expected way more from Rian Johnson; this was something any first-year film student could have come up with. Now, I’m not claiming to be “better than Rian Johnson”, but in my headcanons of Rey and Kylo’s Force-conversations, there was a noticeable atmospheric shift – some sort of visual cue that something “different” was going on… Instead of just this basic cutting back and forth between them in their respective locales. Meh.

 There was a bit of an audio cue (the sound warped) but a bit of blur around the edges or color shift or something would have been a nice visual cue.

 - I didn’t find Rose that memorable, sorry. And her whole mission with Finn, much like the Kylo/Rey storyline, ended up being completely pointless, thanks to Admiral Holdo needlessly keeping vital info about her plans from Poe. WHY??? All of it was just an elaborate excuse to send Finn off on another adventure where he would end up back with the First Order so he could finish off Phasma, period. Like, yeah, there was that little hint at the very end that those kids who took care of the fathiers would, like, have something to do with the Resistance in the next movie, but honestly that could have just been a little meta commentary about how kids have been inspired by the Star Wars franchise over these past 40 years. Which is nice and all, but Finn and Rose’s mission was still pointless.

 Agreed; it felt like the weakest part of the movie to me. I wanted to like Rose and Finn, but I kinda ended up resenting that their (ultimately) pointless story was taking so much time away from what I thought were more interesting plot lines.

 I think the last bit was meta commentary, as well as showing that Luke’s words are true; he isn’t the last of the lightside. It’s not just Rey who will succeed him, it’s every child who has heard his story and strives to be good because of it.

 - Same with Holdo. So here’s this lady who just shows up out of nowhere, keeps vital information from Poe for no good goddamn reason, thereby forcing him to come up with his own plan and send Finn & Rose on a wild goose chase, and then suddenly we’re supposed to buy this close, intimate relationship she has with Leia so that we’ll feel all wistful when she decides to go on a suicide mission to protect the Resistance?? That should have been Leia, tbh… and not just for cheap emotional impact. At that point, Leia believed both the cause and her son to be lost and really had nothing else to lose at that point, and it would have been well within her personality to take out as many motherfuckers as she could to go down with her. Holdo should have been set up as Leia’s heir apparent going forward, and Leia going all kamikaze on the First Order would have been an interesting parallel to Luke also sacrificing himself to protect the ones he loved. AND it would have solved the whole issue of how to move forward in the story after Carrie’s death. I mean, we know that Leia was supposed to play a big part in Episode 9, but we’ll never know what that was supposed to be anyway…

I feel Holdo’s story was weakened by that last interaction with Leia and where she says she liked Poe. If she stuck to the opinion she voiced earlier about him being a liability, maybe cautioned Leia about his recklessness, it makes her character more consistent. She’s presented as being kind of “by the rules” as opposed to Poe’s casual improvisation. If they kept her mindset as “he’s an idiot who can’t take orders and that’s an issue; the chain of command exists for a reason; we can’t have everyone second guessing every decision I make and that’s why I didn’t tell him” it wouldn’t feel as wishy-washy. Maybe it could have even worked as a lesson for Poe.

I like that Leia didn’t die here. It helps keep that idea of hope alive. While the reasons you point out for her doing Holdo’s maneuver make sense on a personal level, Leia being alive gives the Resistance hope, and it gives the audience hope.

For some of my personal thoughts on where Kylo and Rey could end up going from here...

Where we leave Kylo he's still in strife. He's gotten everything he's wanted: eliminating his 'weakness,' eclipsing Vader in power (after all, Vader didn’t survive the Sith ideal of killing his master) but it will not bring him any sort of joy. He's lonely and lost, not power-mad, and becoming Supreme Leader is only going to isolate him more. His force bond with Rey is still intact, despite her metaphorically closing the door on him. Their interactions haven’t been intentional, yet they still happen, because they’re both lonely and long for understanding. That’s not going to change for Kylo, even if it does for Rey. That could be a piece of what causes him to change.

Kylo Ren doesn’t give a shit about the First Order, not really. He isn’t making rousing speeches about the necessity of the cause like Hux; his actions are all concerned with Snoke’s orders and his own internal strife. He doesn’t want to lead the First Order because he believes in it, he’s leading to use it as a tool. He wants to destroy his past so he can finally shape his own destiny and decide for himself who he wants to be. He’s been shaped by others all his life; now he’s free of that. Snoke, the biggest influence in his life, is gone. He couldn’t kill Leia when he had the chance. He is pulled to Rey over and over. He seems to feel regret at the end when he finds Han’s dice. The question is, who will be created by this situation? Will it be enough to pull him, maybe not entirely to the light, but into the grey?

Snoke made a comment that I think/hope will come to be very relevant. Something to the effect of “darkness rises, and light to meet it.” The Force strives to create balance. The more dark there is, the more light there must be. But trying to balance two extremes causes tension and strife. They try to eliminate one another, and the pendulum swings wildly between the two. The true way to create balance, is to move towards the middle. I think that’s what the point of Luke’s arc was. Luke’s fear of the Dark helped create Kylo Ren from Ben. His adherence to an order that gave rise to Sidious and pushed his own father into Dark caused it to happen again. This makes it clear that the Jedi order of old doesn’t work anymore.

The Jedi were a defunct order. They swung the pendulum to far to the “Light” and demanded impossible things: emotionless, passionless, unquestioning devotion. Does any of that sound like Rey? Emotion drives everything she does! To eliminate her emotions, to make her a Jedi, it would destroy her entire character. If they do that they’re throwing out all the themes and messages they built up over Last Jedi. Same thing if Kylo stays entirely Dark. I think (hope) that they both come to realize that neither of them actually wants the destruction of the other. Maybe Rey reads those texts that made it onto the Falcon and realizes that she can’t follow the Jedi ideals. Maybe those old texts contain the idea of grey Jedi instead of the Light/Dark dichotomy; after all, there was a shrine to the Dark on the island, so the founders of the temple couldn’t have rejected it entirely.

They’ve set up plenty of signs that point to the emergence of grey Jedi instead of the Sith and the Light. They could end up pulling the rug out from under us and just make IX flat “good” vs evil with no nuance, but that would be ignoring all the work done in Last Jedi, and it would be messy story telling to not follow the cues that they already laid.

And honestly is Kylo goes grey there’s no reason why he and Rey wouldn’t end up together. Force bonds are powerful things, and their awareness of one another is almost painful. Rey would have to shut herself off from the Force to cut off her awareness of him, and is she really going to do that? Maybe she will for a time, but that’s not a long-term solution.

So while there are no steadfast assurances that we will get what we want from IX, I would say that the necessary groundwork for what we want has already been laid.

Oh! Another thought. Kylo’s “rule the galaxy at my side” is the SAME EXACT THING Vader offered Luke (but, like, without the romantic undertones). Like Luke, Rey rejected his offer. But Vader was still redeemed in the end. If Kylo’s story continues his mirroring of Vader, we will get a redemption. The real question is, will we get it without Kylo dying?