#(silliness that he has lost a bit with age and loss and duty)

[hollandsfavbabe]

Where Do We Go Now

pairing: peter parker x stark!reader

synopsis: in which the death of y/n's father leaves her determined to bring him back and her boyfriend peter determined to save her

warnings: endgame aftermath, death, parental loss, isolation, suicide attempt (but magical?), it gets better - I promise

word count: 7.1k

masterlist

a/n: Hey guys. This is going to be a bit longer than my usual notes, but I feel like I should explain why I've been gone for so long and why this story is a lot sadder than my usual ones. My community has been riddled with tragedy recently as we've lost a lot of people to suicide this past year, some of which have been as young as middle school age. One of my friends died by suicide a couple months ago. I can't express to you guys how hard it's been trying to deal with the pain and the guilt his death has caused me and my loved ones. So many days have passed where I wish I could've been a better friend for him while he was here. It hurts more knowing that other people are hurting too. Writing this was the best way for me to cope for many reasons. I wanted to write about how I'm feeling and honor my friend in some way even if it's through a silly little fanfiction. I know I'm late, but I also wanted to honor one of my favorite characters, Tony Stark as he canonically died this past October. That being said, if you are struggling please, I implore you, talk to someone. There are so many people on this planet who would be so torn without you. My dms are always a safe space if you need anything at all <3

Also I'd like to thank Gracie Abrams for her music that I had on repeat the entire time I was writing this. I hope you like it!

“I am Iron Man.”

The words replayed in your head, over and over like a broken record with no one to turn it to a new tune. That’s exactly how you felt. So alone in your grief that even if miraculously every wish you'd ever made in the whole of your existence had been granted, it still wouldn’t be enough to make you happy again. To make you feel anything besides the constant regret and incessant grief that anchored you down as you wasted away in your bed.

It had been exactly a week since the passing of the great Tony Stark. Everyone else in the compound had mourned their coworker, riddled by a somewhat lesser version of your sadness for only a few days after his death. It’s not as if their grief had been washed away as if it never stained their cheeks with tears or weighed down their hearts with sorrow, but it eased much quicker than yours and before long they could continue their duties. Everything was so much harder for you because Tony hadn’t just been a coworker. He was your father.

You relieved every memory you had of him like bittersweet torture. You remembered when he held you as a little girl, wiping up a bloodied knee. When he discovered you had powers and helped you control them. Later on when he banned you from joining in on the Avenger’s Civil War and afterwards when he thanked you for sneaking in to help anyway. You could almost feel his comforting embrace as if it was only yesterday that he was assuring you before a failed battle against the mad Titan Thanos, the same one that left you dusted and missing your father’s last five years on Earth. And finally, of course, you remember his last moments all too well. It played out before you like the tragic ending of a stage play. 

“Let me do it,” you shouted over the sound of war cries and carnage that surrounded you on the packed battlefield. “I can take it!”

You were almost certain that your power, your immeasurable magic, could handle the debilitating strength of the Infinity Stones making you the most reasonable choice for snapping Thanos and his army out of existence, but your father refused to risk losing his eldest.

“No,” he breathed, the metal plate shielding his chest rising and falling from the heat of the action. There was only one way to succeed, only one way to put a stop to the destruction of the universe. It had to be him. “I won’t risk losing you, not while you’re still so young. You have so much life ahead of you.”

“Not without you!” you cried, a tear streaming from your eye.

There wasn’t much time for your conversation as the world was moments away from being wiped of its human history, but despite the odds your father pulled you into a tight hug, as if he knew it would be the last. You both did.

“You are the strongest person I’ve ever known and I’m so proud of what you’ve become already.” he smiled when you finally pulled apart.

“I need you dad,” you sobbed, still reluctant to let him leave you. With the threat of his death, suddenly Thanos’ defeat didn’t matter anymore. Not nearly as much as having your father by your side. “I’m not ready.”

Your dad looked down on you with the saddest of smiles, but if any part of him was upset about his decision, he made no other hint toward it. He just held you close for as long as possible and comforted you in the way that you could always count on him for. In the way, it hit you, that you could never count on him for again. But yet, in the face of death, he cradled you close and spoke in his signature fatherly tone: assertive yet on the edge of softness.

“No one’s ever ready -,” he answered truthfully. “- but I know you can handle it. You always do.”

You looked up at him as he finally pulled away and headed towards the purple giant, but not before turning to you for one final declaration.

“I love you, junior, to the edge and back again.”

And then he was gone. You never got the chance to say it back.

Yours was the last name he uttered before his heart stopped beating and the light on his suit went out. By then Pepper had already said her goodbyes and you both were huddled close to his body, weeping as the other Avengers knelt around you in honor of your father. Peter was hunched behind you, one hand on your shoulder while the other worked to wipe away his own tears. Oh Peter, you had your father to thank for him.

It was Tony who was credited with setting you up with your long term boyfriend, Peter Parker, even if it was a complete accident. You two had gotten acquainted on a fateful plane ride to Germany and eventually ended up together after many failed attempts at confessing your feelings. There was something about him that had you smitten with him from your first encounter, your liking only strengthened when you learned that your father approved. He’d been with you through thick and thin and even now, Peter was the only person who could even remotely share your pain besides Pepper. Tony was like his father too.

He’d taken care of you ever since the incident. Brought you food and water, helped you dress in your black attire for the funeral, laid with you in your bed each night to calm you whenever you awoke in a nightmarish terror. He showed his love for you prevailing over his grief in the most selfless of ways and yet all you had managed to do since you father’s funeral was stand to use the restroom every once in a while. It piled on more weight that your poor soul could already take. You were nothing, but a miserable burden now.

The door to your room opened with squealing hinges as Peter stepped in, returning from school where he had spent the morning reuniting with your shared friends and finding out when the official return date was. You were supposed to join him, but instead you hadn’t moved an inch since he left. It wasn’t as if you wanted to waste the entire day in your lonely sheets again. You yearned for everything to go back to how it was; when Peter was happy and you could share it with him. When your father used to smile upon the two teens he didn’t mean to bring together. When your father was alive.

“Hey,” he said, softly as if not to startle you from your endless torturous pondering. He set something down on your dresser, a small stack of papers he must have gathered from the school, and removed his fall coat before sauntering over to you. The bed creaked and shifted under his weight as he took a seat next to you. “Good news, we don’t have to go back until the next semester so we get a break until January. Ned was asking about you. He wants to know how you’re doing.”

You turned your head to look at him, your eyes red-rimmed from all of your crying and your lips cracked and dry.

“What did you tell him?” you croaked, your voice hoarse from under use. There was little to talk about and no one else to talk to whenever Peter wasn’t around. Pepper had visited you once, but with Morgan to look after, she couldn’t spare much time for her late husband’s grieving daughter. You’d seen Happy a couple times as well, but he needed his own time to recover and reflect on his past time with his best friend.

Peter was gentle as he tucked some of the hair strands snot cemented to your jaw behind your ear and cupped your cheek in his palm. He was cold from the autumn chill outside, but his hand ignited the same soothing heat that his touch always brought forth.

“I said you were recovering,” he answered truthfully. “And that it’s different for everyone. And no matter how long it takes, I’m here for you every step of the way.”

The ghost of a smile graced your lips and had it not felt like it stopped beating after losing your father, your heart may have fluttered in its cavity in your chest.

“Thanks Peter,” you curled closer to him in the most sincere of ways. “But I’m afraid it’s going to be a while before I can get up to see Ned again. Give him my best.”

“Take your time. I’m sure he understands.” Peter assured before pulling off his flannel and laying down beside you to wrap you in his arms, allowing you to tuck your face in his chest. As unhappy as you were, all the swirling emotions of suffering were always suppressed by the sound of Peter’s heart and the feel of his body around yours. You stayed like that for a while, holding each other before Peter broke the silence as it neared time for your midday meal.

“I think you should come with me today,” Peter suggested, rising to run his daily lunch retrieval before running a loving hand through your hair. You couldn’t understand how he hadn’t gotten sick of you yet. You hadn’t been able to wash in over a week. “It’s not good for you to stay here all day long. You need to start moving.”

His voice was full of worry, though he wasn’t overbearing. He wanted the best for you, it’s all he ever wanted really.

“I don’t know Peter, I don’t think I can.” you sighed as tears started to fill your eyes again. How could anyone stand to be around you when you were being so pathetic. You wished there was a way to erase your pain, anything to bring you to your normal self again.

“It's okay baby,” Peter hugged you into a tight embrace, kissing your tears as they fell in slow salty streams. “I know it hurts, I feel it too. But I read somewhere that the best thing to do is keep a consistent routine. Maybe you should start today. Come get lunch with me.”

You wanted to agree, but there was no part of you that could move from the weight of your grief. It pressed you down, gravity multiplied by the mass of your sadness as it consumed you. It felt as if only a miracle could save you now.

“I’m so sorry.” you stated with remorse, but Peter made no move to share his disappointment if he had any at all. Instead he leaned down from his seated position and placed his lips on your forehead, a gesture as if to say that all was alright.

“Please don’t cry, y/n. It’s okay.” he assured you before standing to leave and get you something that you figured you probably wouldn’t even eat very much of.

“I’ll be right back,” he promised, turning the handle of your door to leave before looking back at you sprawled on your bed. Suddenly, as if he had recalled the cure to the rainiest of days, he expression shifted to one of great excitement as he stopped back into your room.

“I almost forgot,” he began. “Doctor Strange was here earlier. He wanted me to tell you he’s offering some meditation sessions for you if you’re interested. He said they’d be good for your powers and that they might help you feel better if you want to think about it. He’s free at 8 tomorrow.”

You nearly perked up at the sound of the man’s name, picking up your head to cast a last longing glance at Peter as he waited for a parting word.

“Thanks,” you managed. “I’ll let you know.”

And off Peter went to get you both something to eat.

You weren’t sure if he knew how dangerous it was for you to be left with your thoughts, how the mention of the magic doctor sprouted a myriad of mystical ideas all aimed at the same goal that would erase your eternal lonesome aching. How to bring your father back. By the time Peter returned with his hands full of two homemade sandwiches and more sweets than the two of you could ever finish in one sitting, your mind had been made up and you were ready to set the plan in motion.

The following evening was your first time out of the confines of your rooms for days. Peter had helped you greatly with all the tasks you did not have the mental power to do all on your own. He had brushed your hair and made your bed and before you left in one of the less expensive cars held on Avenger’s campus, he sent you off adorned with one of his favorite sweatshirts, a peck on the forehead and enough I love you’s to last more than a lifetime.

You pulled the sleeve of Peter’s sweatshirt over your palm as you drove off, using the cloth to wipe away fresh tears that had fallen after you left your boyfriend’s loving gaze. You’d always been an overthinker, but your bad habits crept up on you worse in your unbreakable stage of sadness. Especially in your father’s favorite car.

You didn’t understand why he hadn’t left you already. Maybe he would. Peter had offered to join you at Strange’s, but after you insisted you had to go alone, he made plans to go help his Aunt May figure out their apartment situation as the pair had been inadvertently kicked out after being gone for so many years. You’d almost forgotten he used to split his nights between the compound and his own bedroom. Recently he’d only stay with you.

He promised to be back before dinner so that the two of you could keep up your progress, but an unsolicited voice within you convinced you that he wouldn’t want to return. You weren’t good enough for him anymore, not like you used to be. Your plan was better for the both of you and as you pulled up to the familiar building on Bleecker Street, all the pieces started to fall into place.

You stepped up to the door, raising your fist to knock only for the door to crack open by itself as if to invite you in. You waited for the familiar sternness of Doctor Strange’s voice to greet you once you were past the stone floored foyer, but only wisps of the autumn breeze caught your ear. 

“Strange?” you called, your voice still not stable enough to be louder than a whispery dialogue. You were met with no response. It was just like you had planned. The wizard wasn’t home.

You felt a strong tug towards the room of your desires, the forbidden library. It was as if fate was leading you or some other force from above, another sign that you were meant to do it.

Your steps were more sure than they had been in days as you made your way to the self, passing any magical fire walls with the sheer unfiltered strength of your powers. Strange once told you that they were guided by your emotion, the quintessential essence of every magic holder even to people like you and Wanda Maximoff who were outside of his world protecting wizard cult. It was easier than it should have been, like slicing paper with a katana, you broke each enchantment until all that was left was the cool leather cover of the book you were looking for. The book with every answer you needed inside its ancient yellowing pages, but you only needed the spell that would revive your father. Locating it near the middle of the book, your tore out the page and turned back to your car, leaving the Sanctum with the same unhurried pace you had entered it with. There was no stopping you now.

Peter was only an half an hour late for your agreed meet up time when he arrived at the campus. He expected you’d be in your room as per usual and as he made his way to your door, the excitement of getting to hold you and talk about your first day out of the campus since the funeral built up in his chest. He wasn’t sure if any accomplishment in the world could make him as proud as he was of you. With two brown paper bags of groceries in his hand, he couldn’t wait to shower you in the affection that you deserved with all of your favorite snacks, enough to share of course.

“Y/n,” he smiled, using his webbing to open your door handle only to find, much to his disappointment, that you were nowhere to be found.

He checked all over campus, leaving the bags by your bed. No one had seen you since you’d left and the spot where the car you’d taken was still empty, the normally pristine concrete covered in fallen crisp maroon leaves. It didn’t make any sense. Where could you possibly have gone?

“Y/n!” he called, circling the perimeter of the campus looking for you. There was still no sign of your reappearance. “Y/n- oh. Hi Ms. Maximoff.” Peter forced a strained smile as he nearly bumped into the woman.

“Peter, we’ve been over this,” Wanda answered, her voice calm. “You can call me Wanda.”

Like you, the witch hadn’t been doing the best in recent days as she had lost something just as valuable as a father: her partner. While she occasionally had days where the ground would’ve been lucky to feel the grace of her step, her superhero duties had kept her from spending each day hidden from society. She had a different way of coping, but like others, she seemed to start getting back into routine again.

“Right, sorry Wanda.” Peter apologized.

“What are you doing out here?” inquired the witch in her native Sokovian accent, always intuitive. “Is something wrong?”

“It’s y/n. I can’t find her anywhere and we agreed to meet back here nearly - an hour ago!” Peter pulled up his coat sleeve to check the time on his watch, the face of which bore a picture of him and your father from only a few months before the snap. It had been a birthday gift, one of his favorites in fact, though it couldn't top what you had given him the same year: a lego set and your first kiss.

“I didn’t know that she got out of bed. That’s a big step!” 

“Yes it is and we were going to celebrate tonight, but she hasn’t come back yet which is really not like her.” worried Peter.

“Where did she go?”

“Strange’s. He was going to give her a meditation lesson for her powers.”

Confused, Wanda's eyebrow furrowed and she crossed her arms over her chest. “Doesn’t she know how to use them already?”

“Yes, but he thought it would help her manage her grief. Working out is a pretty common method, but she hates going to the gym so he figured some meditation would be better for her and -“

“Wait, hold on. Did she go to him this morning?”

“Yes and she was supposed to be back around noon, but it’s nearly six and she’s still gone.” Peter explained.

“Peter!” Wanda chided. She couldn't believe he could make such a grave mistake.

“What?”

“Strange hasn’t been at the Sanctum all day!”

“What?! Where is he?”

“Do I look like a wizard to you?" the witch gestured to her casual leggings and cardigan pairing that drastically differed from Strange's usual eccentric costumes. "How should I know?”

As if summoned by the topic of conversation, a figure appeared in the distant grass, hovering over the blades until he was close enough to be able to walk. His cape that flowed in the breeze like a blood red stream with a mind of its own was a dead give away. Doctor Strange had indeed arrived in the flesh.

“Parker,” he greeted, though he did not smile. “Is Ms. Stark ready for our lesson?”

Peter’s eyes went wide as he realized his mistake.

“Oh no.” he muttered, shaking his head in defeat. He was met with confusion from the wizard.

“No?” Strange repeated. “We agreed upon 8 didn't we? I know I'm a little early, but I assumed she wouldn't be busy. Didn’t you let her know I was coming?”

“Yes,” Peter confirmed. “I told her to be ready and then I sent her off to your place at 8… am.”

“What?!” Strange exclaimed as he summoned a portal to appear leading directly to his found home on Bleecker Street. He stepped through the fiery ring, a silent invitation for the others to follow as he hurried passed your car, up the steps, and into the door which did not part of him the same way it had earlier. Inside he was met with the most frightful of discovers accompanied by the looming feeling of doom as the situation became clear.

The Sanctum, unguarded with his absence, lay littered with books that had fallen from their homes on his shelf’s yet one stood out from all the others. It laid on the floor open with its pages to the ground while every other book was shut. Levitating it with the simple flick of his wrist, a horrifying sight awaited Strange as he turned it over. One of the pages in the sacred book was missing.

“Do you know how serious this is?!” Strange exclaimed and although Peter at first took it as a barbed criticism aimed directly at him, he was able to distinguish Strange’s tone from when he was reprimanding. This was a separate kind of worry, the sort of tone that he had used heavily on the fated spaceship you three had been stuck in until you landed on Titan, Thanos’ home world, nearly five years ago. Treachery was afoot and if your powers were involved, the whole fabric of your current reality could change.

“Which one did she take?” Wanda pointed to the book, clearly noticing the giant tear in its center.

Strange’s voice answered, heavy with concern. “The revival spell.”

“You don’t think she knows, do you? She can’t possibly know how to conjure it.” asked Wanda, the same concern for their future written all over her face.

“That’s exactly what I think.” Strange confirmed.

“What?” Peter asked. “What are you guys talking about?”

“There are many types of magic, Parker, and the Sanctum, the building where you sent your girlfriend, is full of all of them, good and bad alike. Every spell comes with a price, the bigger the spell, the bigger the price and the spell she took comes with one of the biggest prices there is to pay.”

“Think about it, Peter,” Wanda paled. “What does y/n want most in the world right now?”

It hit Peter harder than fresh fallen hail. You were going to try to bring your father back.

“We have to find her. Now.”

Strange tried to use his sling ring to appear wherever you were, but in your grief, the extent of your powers had grown massively. Intentionally or not, you managed to prevent even the most powerful of wizards from using his Sling Ring to access your location.

“She's blocked me out.” Strange frowned. “We’re going to have to track her on foot.”

“She can’t be far,” Peter agreed. “She always takes the shortest path whenever she wants something.” It was one of the many things he loved about you: your ability to turn any taxing task into something much simpler. You were one of the cleverest people he knew. He just hoped it didn’t work in your favor this time.

It was Wanda who had the idea of tracking your magic. She led them to the nearest withering woodland area, where trees with bare branches and dying leaves sprawled endlessly. It was the perfect place to perform dark magic, away from the unyielding eyes of society. The trio didn’t hesitate to run in.

The further they got, the closer you felt especially to Peter despite the fact that he was the only one without his own source of magic. If he lost you tonight, he feared he’d never feel any sort of magic ever again.

They were only half an acre in when Wanda and Strange called out in anguish, the witch falling to her knees while Strange stayed standing, pounding the air with his fist as his trying to break through an invisible barrier though it was to no avail. Whatever was holding him back, it wasn’t fading anytime soon.

“Keep going, Parker!” he shouted, urging Peter forward. “You’re the only one who can stop her. The spell will only allow that which she loves.”

“How do I do it?” Peter shouted. “How do I stop the spell?”

“The page,” Wanda replied, quicker than Strange could as his reply was easy for her to access. “You have to tear it apart.”

Without wasting a second more, Peter sprung back towards where he could feel you, running without fatigue as his superhuman endurance supplied him with plenty of energy.

It was only a minute later that he caught his first sign of you. There was a break in the tree line out of which a bright amber glow poured like an incandescent warning. It was a dramatic contrast from the normal comforting emerald greens of your magic, but it was you nonetheless and Peter didn’t stop until he was so close he had to shade his eyes from the light.

If it weren’t for the dark nature of what you were doing, Peter would’ve considered it one of the most beautiful events he’d ever seen take place. He wasn’t sure if the circle of trees that surrounded you had been a natural formation or one you made for the sake of the spell, but he was sure the way they seemed to bend to your will, despite the hard wood of their birch trunks, had to be because of your power. In the center of it all was you and the page you had stolen atop a pile of purple and golden leaves. You stood before it, eyes closed as you whispered some sort of incantation. Your powers spread above you in orange flickering flames as you outstretched your arms and summoned what looked like the beginnings of a portal, though it was hard to peer through like a bride covered in a veil of night black.

Peter shouted your name, screaming for you to stop, but you didn’t so much as flinch as the portal grew. You couldn’t hear him over the force of your will. He could start to feel what Wanda and Strange were trapped behind. There was some sort of invisible wall that threatened to push him back from you, but he couldn’t be defeated. He had to stop you. Step by step, he got closer and closer to you, watching in horror as your body was lifted from the ground and floated in midair. A new energy started weeping through the fabric that covered your chest, soft and white like a sheer glittering fabric. It drifted towards the portal and as Peter neared you he could make out the outline of a face forming from it in the black center of it. It started to take shape, growing a neck and a body and becoming more concrete than a fragmented part of your energy. He became more unmistakable as the color grew back into his face. Tony Stark, in the flesh. Peter hurried towards the page.

You opened your eyes to gaze into the face of your father, tears flowing down your face partially from the exhaustion of bringing him back and from being able to see him again.

You tried to say something, tell him how much you had missed him, but you were left rendered without a voice. Your words came out as mouthed nonsense, though it seemed he had regained his voice.

“Y/n,” he uttered, though it seemed more like a warning than a greeting after being torn from you for so long.

You mouthed something you knew he’d understand. I love you too, dad.

Some other force called your name, but you ignored it. You couldn’t focus on anything else, but the father you had lost regaining life right in front of you. With every part that he gained, you felt a part of your fade. It wasn’t painful, more numbing than anything like the final dose to end all your sadness. You couldn’t help but relish in it. You were bringing back one of the greatest men to ever live.

You were so distracted, you missed the web that landed on the page below you and pulled it away.

“Y/n,” your dad said again, nearly having enough of one of his legs to step out of the portal when suddenly, the inky blackness swallowed him whole again and dissolved in the forest light, taking back the only thing you ever wanted.

“NO!” you cried as your voice returned to you and you fell back down to the dry grass and dead leaves, crumpled on the forest floor as all of the magic you had summoned faded away save for the glittering cloud that returned to your chest with such force it made you cough. You had failed.

“Y/n!” someone called and you shuddered away from their hand on your shoulder as loud sobs erupted from you. 

“Leave me!” you begged. “Just leave!” Peter refused to leave your side, tossing behind him the page he had shredded into tiny scraps of paper as he knelt beside you, careful not to touch you again. “Why did you have to do that? Why did you take him from me?”

“You were going to die! I couldn’t let you di-“

“I WANTED TO DIE!”

Peter froze as you whimpered, the truth spreading above the both of you in the cold air like storm clouds as you cried to him.

“I want him back. Everyone wants him back. No one cares about his depressed daughter and I don’t want to hurt anymore, Peter.” you paused to take a deep breath. “It- it hurts so much.” you could barely get the words out as you were choked by your sobs. “It hurts knowing I could’ve saved him. It hurts knowing it should’ve been me that snapped those stupid stones. And I don’t want to live with that anymore. I had to try to bring him back for the world. It needs him more than it needs me.”

You brought a hand to your face, wiping away some of your tears, though it was no use as more came pouring out.

“I need you.” uttered Peter, looking into your glossy eyes. The sight of your tears and the echo of your screams couldn’t deter him from you. You can’t be repelled from the ones that you love.

“But you miss him, don’t you,” you argued as hot tears coated your face. “You want him back too.”

Peter nodded in agreement.

“I think about him everyday. Our moments together. Like this one time he saved me from drowning in a lake. Or-“ Peter grinned. “- remember when he caught us making out that one time before we told him we were together. He was so mad.” Peter smiled to himself, looking fondly on the memory until he began again.

“I miss him so much and it makes me so sad that I'll never see him again. But I wouldn’t trade you for him. I wouldn't trade you for anyone. You’re worth more to me than anyone else in the universe.”

Your sobs slowed yet the tears did not cease as they still cascaded down your face.

“It hurts me so much.” you restated.

Peter opened his arms. “May I?” he asked. You nodded and before you knew it, you were engulfed by a warmth unlike any other as Peter hugged you tight enough to make sure you wouldn’t try to leave him again.

“I know you do,” he related. "And I wish I could take it away. I wish I could just bag all your pain and throw it all away. But it doesn't work like that. It's going to hurt. It's going to be painful, so much so that you won't move from bed for days and days. You haven't." 

"But I feel like everyone else has already moved on. Why can't I?" you shivered.

"No one else was as close to him as you. Everyone else lost a friend. You lost a father. There's a big difference. You can't expect yourself to move on from it. That's not healthy. It's just like I said, I'm here for you no matter how long it takes. You have to take your time with it, don’t rush the process." Peter pressed the lightest of kisses to one of your dampened cheeks.

"I just don't know what to do."

"Breathe."

As silly as it sounded in its simplicity you did as he instructed and inhaled deeply, allowing the air to coat your lungs that hadn’t been exposed to so much fresh air in a week. As you exhaled, you let out another sob in his arms, but somehow it felt better than all the others. You were not rid of your pain by any means and sadness still corroded your core, but for the first time in so long, you didn’t feel so hopeless. Peter placed another gentle kiss on your cheek, encouraging you as you took several more slow breaths and quiet cries until you found the strength to speak again.

“Was it like this for you when your parents died?” you wondered aloud as you pulled away from Peter to look into his chocolate brown eyes that you almost forgot you loved so much, yet not so far that he couldn't keep his arms around your frame that was still bearing his sweatshirt. You hadn’t spoken much about them before and while you weren’t sure where the question had arisen from, it felt like the right thing to ask.

“I was so young when they passed, sometimes I feel like they were never mine to begin with,” he admitted. “I took a couple days off school when it happened, but I don’t remember crying all that much. It’s tragic and sometimes it makes me sad that they’re gone, but I’m glad that it does. It’s a reminder that they were there for me in the first place, that I knew them enough to miss them. The grief is proof that I loved them while they were here.”

You were both silent for a moment as you thought about his words in relation to your situation. All your pain was put into perspective. Everything you had been through since he died, all the days you wasted away in bed, it was all the proof that you had loved him so much when he was alive and that you were still carrying the love you had left for him. You missed your father so much you were willing to die to get him back and for a moment, you almost did.

You parted from Peter’s arms to stand though you still grasped onto his hands as you weren’t strong enough to be upright on your own. You closed your eyes again and listened to the sound of the forest, the swaying of the leaves that still clung to their branches, the faint twittering of birds, and the calm of the sky that was oddly cloudless for autumn. The sound of your name falling from your father’s reformed lips was still faint in the air and for a moment you felt as though you were with him again.

You remembered when he taught you how to ride a bike one evening when you were only four. You remembered the day he pulled you from public school and started teaching you at home. You remembered the look of shock on his face when you showed him your powers for the first time and even more, you remember his pride when you completed your first mission with the Avengers (that he'd approved ahead of time to avoid any more Germany -like surprises). He wasn’t there, but at the same time he was everywhere. And you missed him, but at the same time the absence he left in your life felt less empty.

The tears came out in slow smooth streams, flowing down in slow trickles as you finally sat back down. You didn’t say anything and neither did Peter, but you knew he could feel what you felt. He could feel your father too and minutes slipped by as you sat and cried together.

There was a sudden rustling in the distance and soon enough, Doctor Strange and Wanda had arrived at the scene, no longer held back by invisible barriers. They rushed to you bringing flooding guilt through your system as you began to apologize.

“I’m sorry,” you cried. “I’m so sorry.”

Strange opened his mouth to speak, but he had nothing to say. You could tell by his expression that he was disappointed, but there was more to it. He had empathy.

It was Wanda that leaned down to place a friendly hand on your shoulder.

“Let’s get you home.”

The months following were some of the hardest of your life. Every battle you faced was uphill, but you no longer felt like you were fighting alone. You started going out again, first to visit Pepper and your half sister Morgan who lived in their cabin home. Peter joined you of course, but he played with Morgan for the most part while you and Pepper talked. You cried with her, but you laughed a lot too. She shared with you so many of her own memories, times when your father didn't know what to get you for your birthday, when he had managed to mess up cooking dinner in the strangest of ways, and when he’d accidentally burned your favorite stuffed animal in the drying machine all of which Pepper had to remedy. Though she hadn’t raised you, she was the mother you never had and through her stories you learned that your father had been just as good raising Morgan with her as he had been with you.

You hung out with Ned and MJ again shortly after that. While Peter had suggested a brief check-in at a cafe so you could go home quickly to rest, you surprised him with a much more time consuming idea: laser tag. The four of you had the best time targeting each other, you winning more rounds than any of the others. You ended the day with smoothies, talking as you drank and making plans for the next time you would all see each other. MJ made you promise you would text her if you ever needed anything and Ned gave you a whole plate of his Lola’s ensaymadas, your favorite dish of hers.

Finally, though he was locked up in his house and avoiding humanity, you visited Happy. Peter offered to join you like all the other times, but you assured him it would be best if he stayed home, promising you would return later. Happy was in a similar state of dismay to you when you saw him and while he was able to care for himself and continue with his personal routine, you could tell he was hurting.

You didn't say much when you first entered his apartment, but there was comfort within the silence. You sat with him on his sofa and watched whatever mind numbing program he had turned on to distract his thoughts until you had both worked up an appetite for lunch. It was there, in the middle of a random Burger King in Queens over a plate of cheeseburgers that you both broke down. You told him what you had nearly done, trusting him with the sensitive information as he was almost a second father to you. You took your time telling him the story of how you had nearly died to bring back your father.

Happy cried as you did and when you were finished, he told you how much you meant to him. He traded your story for one from your father after he returned from Afghanistan where he had famously been kidnapped.

"You could tell he was shaken," Happy began. "He told me he wasn't scared to die, but he was scared of losing time with you and leaving you alone. Pepper and I had been so busy trying to get him back, he was worried you had been neglected while he was gone. But when he came home and he saw your room clean, your toys put away, and a fridge full of leftovers from meals you prepared yourself, he was so proud. You inspired him to turn his life around. It was after that he told me that he knew you'd be okay if he was taken from us one day."

You both cried after that.

Long after you had finished your food, Happy drove you to the Parker's new apartment with the promise that he would be okay too, eventually. He also admitted that he was starting to develop quite the liking for your faithful boyfriend after hearing all that he had done for you, though he’d skin you alive if you ever told Peter.

It was that night in Peter's new bedroom that you knew you’d be okay. It still hurt to think of your father and you knew you’d never entirely recover and that the pain would never fully leave you, but there was a certain comfort in it now. You knew Peter felt it too as he snuggled half asleep into your side, his arm slung around your body in a protective manner, but also to keep from falling of the twin bed you shared as he let you sleep on the side with the wall. There were still days when you didn’t want to leave your bed, but there were also days when you felt more elated than ever. You could feel your father in those moments the most, like the shine of his smile took form in the light from the sun. You couldn’t see him nor could you speak with him, but you knew he wasn’t really gone. It was love that kept him around. And it was the love you carried for him that would suspend you for lifetimes, through light and dark until the end of time.

“I hope this grief stays with me because its all the unexpressed love” - Andrew Garfield 💙

[jockvillagersonly]

🌸 Bai Haotian in those hecking cute overalls appreciation post 🌸

Bonus:

[mandareeboo]

SU Music Rankings

Bc I can and I wanna start some Disk Horse rip. These are all in order of preference, with explanations, etc. It’s a long bitch. That said, I’m not counting little short jingles or small joke songs like Little Butler. This is the meat and potatoes of SU music- just under 30 songs. I might do the rest if people like my takes lol.

I scored it mostly on three bases- how dear it was to my heart, how much/often I relisten to it, and also what it means to the plot. That said, little fun songs don’t automatically go farther down than big, plot-heavy songs either! It’s a strange little balance.

Special Note: I don’t dislike any of this music! I love SU and that includes its bumps and glitches. I just pick favorite children lol.

1.) Change

Was there ever a more Steven moment than when he wiped the blood off his face and kissed it into sparkles? I think not. 

If “Be Wherever You Are” is an ode to young Steven, then this is teen Steven’s. Talking about change, and how much and how little it can do. How he holds his arms up for Spinel to hug him, so trusting. How he seems able to just. Break into soft tears at will, and not to be manipulative- it’s just his kind nature. The warmth in his voice. Fuck yesssss.

2.) Change Your Mind

This song is only fifty five seconds and it’s EVERYTHING to me. It really felt like someone was speaking the words I’d always held deep inside of me, unsure of how to say. It feels like a goodbye to someone who never really loved me. 

As much as I enjoyed Future, if this was the finale of SU, I would’ve been perfectly okay with that.

3.) Drift Away

This song gave me legitimate shivers the first time I heard it, and it still haunts me to this day. Spinel stayed, and waited, and all she got was a transmission thousands of years later. Fuck.

4.) Here We Are In The Future

THE MOVIE IS SU AS ITS BEST AND I WON’T BE SWAYED ON IT. Steven being a teen who loves his weird family but is growing just a bit sarcastic to their drama. The adorable love he and Connie share. His slow realization that he will always be working, always have things to do, is both somber and real. The Crystal Gems won’t be safe with one epic battle. They’ll be safe with years of hard work and love. HIS LITTLE HANDSHAKE WITH AMETHYST.

This is a helluva bop and a great way to summarize the main character’s backstories.

5.) Let’s Only Think About Love

Did ya’ll know that Zach Callison killed his throat with that last note? He gave his all for this performance in a vocal range he no longer comfortably do and by god did it SHINE. The FLAIR. The FORESHADOWING. All of the Gems all being awkward about Rose and Steven trying to bring them to the present. Peridot having a mini-existential crisis in a cute yellow dress. I love Zach Callison’s normal singing voice but man is that a fucking bop. Nothing will ever beat it.

6.) Here Comes A Thought

This bad boy helped me out a LOT with some mental issues I was dealing with in high school. I was unmedicated, unsupervised, and full of anxiety. I’d have break downs when I tried to speak about certain things. I couldn’t function. This song inspired me. It helped me feel okay with my intrusive thoughts.

And the episode! -chef’s kiss-. Once again bringing up the morally gray area of training child soldiers. Connie expanding her social group. Steven’s trauma hauling ass in that second half. The ANIMATION. Stevonnie’s gorgeous singing voice. GOD yes.

7.) It’s Over Isn’t It?

Just barely squeaking above Stronger Than You, this ballad is everything gorgeous. The whole episode is. I think Mr. Greg stands in the top five of my episodes for the entire show. It even got nominated!

There’s just so much about this song that I love. The gentle melancholy of Pearl’s voice. How the crew had to redo the shots for this bit bc Deedee went so fucking hard. The hard cuts between Pearl, remembering the love of her life, and Steven, who has begun to feel like he took her away. I’d recommend this song to anyone, regardless of what they do or don’t know about SU, simply bc it tugs so many heartstrings of love, loss, and responsibility.

8.) Stronger Than You

Did you realize this episode aired SEVEN years ago? This bitch was what got me into SU! Hearing about Ruby and Sapphire made my little gay heart so happy inside, and then getting a whole song confirming that they were a couple, that their love powered the strongest Gem on the team? Aaaaaaaaa

To this DAY I get excited when I hear Estelle start singing. This song is timeless. This song will live in media history. God I fucking love this song.

9.) Other Friends

I’m not the biggest musical person, so I hadn’t heard of Sarah Stiles before her casting as Spinel, but JESUS CHRIST the lady went hard. She went SO fucking hard. Sarah Stiles started on 100 and somehow just kept CLIMBING. You can just hear the sheer manic energy building in her voice, the anger and resentment. 10/10 Sarah Stiles is a queen.

10.) Independent Together

This made the list entirely bc the crew was like “you’re gonna get a himbo ass Steven-Greg fusion singing with Opal while Garnet flies across the moon on Lion while floating” and I am forever thankful to them for it

11.) Who We Are

Bismuth deserved more songs. ‘Nuff said.

12.) Peace and Love (On the Planet Earth)

It Could’ve been Great is EASILY one of my favorite s2 episodes. I love the entire concept of this song. Of Steven making music to reflect how much Earth means to him and his family. Of him teaching Peridot some self-care. Also Peridot’s singing voice is really cute and squeaky. 

I know it’s silly, but I would’ve really enjoyed a flip around of this in Future! Like Peridot reminding Steven how much he loves music, that he needs to take time to relax for himself, maybe with a new verse or just a remix of the original song!

13.) Something Entirely New

I watched this episode as it aired, and I legitimately almost cried. I love Charlyne Yi’s voice so much ya’ll- her raspy, not perfect singing voice against Sapphire’s deep soothing lull is great.

And to have Ruby and Sapphire’s meeting be the way it was- for Ruby to bemoan Sapphire losing Homeworld, to being stuck with a single Ruby, while Sapphire is a noble who has always been taught everyone in her “caste” is vitally important (and has, in her own mind, taken that to mean every Gem, as she should) and how they come together and make each other happy. Good shit good shit.

14.) I’m Just a Comet

The fact that Greg’s music career never really blasted off pisses me off to this day bc Tom Scharpling’s voice is fucking BUTTER. Also the song really feels like a jab at his parents now that we know the kind of dynamic he had growing up. “This life in the stars if all I’ve ever known” is definitely him wiping away their existence after reminding them (and himself) the things they used to say about him.

15.) Do It For Her

This episode. This fucking episode. This episode got me permanently hooked on SU. I’d just binged season 1 and was kinda meh about it overall after the bop of Stronger Than You. “Oh,” I thought to myself, foolishly, “I’ll probably just casually watch this from time to time.”

Like three days later Sworn to the Sword aired and that was it. I was hooked! Pearl’s gentle training song turning darker and darker, Connie’s accompaniment from nervous to determined to fully into such a toxic mindset. The fact that SU had the BALLS to discuss the repercussions of training child soldiers, now and later. This episode was everything to me, STILL is everything to me.

Six years and well over 100 fanfics written later, I think it’s safe to say this show swallowed me whole and never let go.

16.) System/Boot.pearl_final(3)

I debated putting this on the list because it’s not anything crazy important, just a way to show things are Wrong, but I had to do it entirely bc Pearl is so damn SALTY.

Like telling us about the Gems makes sense, she felt like she was given a duty, but she went so damn petty. WHY is that Ruby alone. Gross. This Amethyst is a trash dump. Wtf are you people.

17.) Full Disclosure

This episode really feels like a turning point for SU. Before, the show had its dark moments- but now we’re in the thick of it, and it’s not going away. Full Disclosure felt like an rebuff to the idea of returning to any normal we’d established in season 1. Gems are actually a giant species now. Gems tried to kill us now. There’s this Yellow Diamond bitch who got namedropped. Something about a Cluster. 

The song itself is BALLER, with its ingenious use of Steven’s ringtone and photos as he tries to decide whether to clue in Connie on all this nonsense. Meanwhile we, the audience, already know damn well Connie about to yeet some common sense into him.

18.) What’s the Use of Feeling Blue?

I’mma admit it- I’m a Yellow Diamond stan. I’ve always loved her- her anger, her poise, her hardworking nature. I actively argued against the “Yellow Shattered Pink” theories back in the day. But, man, when this arc leaked? I got so overexcited I was too jittery to watch it for like two days. It’s easily my favorite arc of the series. The sheer alien nature of the zoo, the Famethyst, and absolutely Patti Lupone’s beautiful ballad. Goddamn. Yellow singing to Blue to try and help her regain her old status, the warble in her voice as she reminds Blue she misses Pink too, the movement of the bubbles as she talks about attack. It gives me shivers to this day. FUCK.

19.) Tower of Mistakes

This is, fun fact, that only SU song I have completely memorized. The story itself is kinda funny! See, we lost internet at my house for a solid 5 to 6 months when these episodes aired, so I only got a very brief window to view them all. But this was the first Amethyst song in a long while, and I didn’t want to forget it! So I keep replaying it in my head for ages. And that’s still definitely a thing.

Anyway will never not be sad that this entire song was about making it up to Garnet for Amethyst’s perceived slights with Sugilite (which was a two-way road), only for Garnet to pressure her into fusion later when pissed and never discuss it again bc Garnet probably never thought twice about it and Amethyst has the emotional openness of a clam that’s just been told its ugly. Helluva way to make someone feel like shit, G. Helluva way to bottle that shit, Ames.

20.) On the Run

I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Amethyst! Needed! More! Songs! 

The dichotomy between Steven’s play and Amethyst’s honest desire to run away from home is so well-done, especially when you consider a lot of Steven and Amethyst’s actions are playing together. The song is also near and dear to me simply bc it’s my favorite Amethyst episode to exist (well, maybe second to What’s Your Problem, but not by much). Moments like these are all the proof I need that they were right to fuse first.

21.) Be Wherever You Are

This tune really just feels like an ode to who Steven was as a kid. Trapped on an island with no way home, and he’s just happy to be with his friends. The stars are beautiful and not oppressive. Also that one animatic with Lars and the Off Colors playing in the Homeworld Kindergarten to this music was iconic and made this song get stuck in my head for a solid month.

22.) Familiar

I ADORE how the crew use bright neon colors to show how alien Homeworld can be. And Steven recognizing that the Diamonds treat him how the CGs used to, and how prepared he is to “fix” a broken family. It’s a soft, gentle tune about melancholy. Also the Pebbles are beautiful.

23.) Let Me Drive My Van Into Your Heart

Such a cute little love ballad, but every time I listen to it now I just imagine the heart attack Rose must’ve had at the line “And if we look out of place/Well, baby, that's okay/I'll drive us into outer space.” like there’s a Vietnam war flashback if I ever heard one

24.) What Can I Do?

I’m kind of neutral on this one? Rose and Greg both have great voices, but the song itself lacks many lyrics. I think it was definitely a good way to show Rose’s flaws in thinking.

Also, I’m shocked they managed cram that much vaguely sexual innuendo into two minutes, followed by how Not Hetereo that dance between Rose and Pearl was, and not get their asses chewed by it. You go guys.

25.) Cookie Cat

I love a lot of the vibes this song has. The lyrics are so damn prophetic, but they also sound like the kind of weird 90s commercials I grew up on. It’s been like two decades since I saw the Shirley Temple commercial but I’ll be damned if I don’t remember “Animals crackers in my soup! Monkey and rabbits loop-de-loop.”

26.) Giant Woman

I am. NOT the biggest fan of Steven’s original singing voice. I feel bad saying that, since it was just Zach Callison as a kid, but he never jived well with me for some reason. So I wouldn’t listen to this on the fly. 

The song itself is still really good though, with all sorts of fun animation of Amethyst and Pearl being bitchy to each other. It’s a bit sad in hindsight to see tiny Steven trying to get his moms to get along. Ahh, season 1.

27.) Strong in the Real Way

This song has SUCH a strong start. Pearl reflecting on Sugilite’s problems, but the show making sure to show us that Pearl’s lack of enthusiasm towards her also lends itself to jealousy as well as just general malaise. How much she cares about Steven, and wants him to grow up strong. 

And then Steven just kinda. Ruins it? I appreciate his enthusiasm for tryna bulk up but to take what was starting as such a rich, personal song and broadcasting it to random strangers just makes me a bit sad. Almost a bit angry on her behalf?

28.) That Distant Shore

I KNOW this is gonna create some discourse, but I’m just not the biggest Lapis stan. I love her voice. I love the visuals of the song. And I get why she felt afraid and needed to flee.

But Lapis never got to take responsibility for her own actions. And, in the end, the song feels hollow to me- because we all know she’ll never talk to anyone about it, know she’ll burst back in and destroy the barn, and no one will ever question it. I like Lapis a lot, but I feel like her arc never was fully finished. She never got help. She never learned to feel safe.

29.) Dear Old Dad

I’ve yet to meet a single human being who likes this episode tbh. There’s some great discussion about what kind of parent Greg is from it, and what kind of dynamic he has with the Gems that he felt he had to fake an injury to hang out with his son. Honestly the first half was fine and dandy. It’s just that then they Greg just went out of his way to drag Steven away from missions and such. It never jived well with his character before or after.

Also, is it just me, or does Zach himself sound like he hates the song as he sings it? There’s no passion or heart in his voice. It sounds like they told him to read off cue cards and he did. Tom Scharpling’s best attempts didn’t save this one for being a skipper. But the episode, unfortunately, isn’t, so it gets a spot on here.

[anextraordinarymuse]

Thoughts on WCTH (and specifically Nathan, and Nathan/Elizabeth)

So, I’ve seen a few people say that Nathan is the new Jack and, while there are certainly many similarities there, they are also very different people. Here’s my take on these characters: (a little comparison if you will):

Nathan is more reserved than Jack was, both as a person and as a suitor for Elizabeth. He’s slower to share what he’s feeling and plays things close to the vest 

Nathan is not driven to be a Mountie the way Jack was. He takes pride in being a Mountie, and he has a very protective nature, but I don’t think it means as much to Nathan as it did to Jack. Both Jack and Nathan became Mounties because of their fathers, but one did so to be like his father and one did so to prove that he wasn’t like his father (at least, that’s my take on it so far).

Both Nathan and Jack were raised by single mothers and lost significant family members. While both became responsible men that cared for others at an early age (Jack cared for his brother and kept him out of trouble, Nathan took over Allie’s parenting), this literally forced Nathan to become a parent unexpectedly. I also think it’s worth noting that while Jack could be serious, his personality remained fairly playful and young-ish. Not so with Nathan. I think Nathan leans more toward a serious personality naturally, and this was only heightened by his youth and taking on Allie. He has playful moments, but I think he’s naturally quieter, more serious, and more reserved. Notably, the lighter side of his personality is brought out most by Allie and Elizabeth.

Jack’s first sense of duty was to the Mounties - Nathan’s first sense of duty is to Allie. I think this is important because it highlights an interesting difference in their characters. I think both men were men of service, but they viewed that service differently. I kind of feel like Jack wanted to be a hero, whereas Nathan just wants to be a family man. This ties in to the loss of their fathers, I think: Jack wanted to save people and fight the good fight, like his dad, whereas Nathan wants to be the dad he didn’t have and care for his family the way his father failed to care for him. Jack and Nathan definitely represent the because of/in spite of argument (and I think that’s a pointed and deliberate choice).

Jack was young and made silly, youthful mistakes with Elizabeth (like sometimes saying the wrong thing and accidentally insulting her). He and Elizabeth were also very young when they met, and their relationship was characterized by that youthful and just- figuring-it-out dynamic of a first love. Juxtapose that with Nathan, who is just honest to god awkward. He’s not shy, exactly, but he’s kind of gun-shy and quiet and takes a long time to open up. He’s hesitant. Once he decides to open up he’s more forward and honest, but he’s definitely one for the more “subtle and steady” way of things. We see this most with Elizabeth (Lucas starts chasing her pretty quickly, but Nathan really hesitates with it even though we can clearly see he wants to for a quite a while before he does, and don’t even get me started on all of his failed attempts to just ask her to dinner), but we do see it with Allie as well. Remember, Allie was frustrated with Nathan because he wouldn’t tell her anything about her grandfather. Anyway, even when Nathan does start to open up to Elizabeth, he’s kind of awkward with it. Lucas is the smoother of the two, but I would argue that Nathan is the more open and vulnerable when he finally decides to be. I would also say that Jack was smoother than Nathan, but no less earnest and sincere. Of course, we can’t discount the fact that Jack did not have the barriers to Elizabeth and a possible relationship with her that Nathan does.

Nathan. Is. SO. PATIENT. That’s not to say that Jack and Lucas weren’t/aren’t also patient, this is mostly just a moment of appreciation for how patient Nathan is, because damn.

There is a seriousness in Nathan that is sort of a mirror to the seriousness that Elizabeth has inherited. What I mean by that is that both Nathan and Elizabeth have experienced some defining losses, so they naturally understand one another on points of sadness. This is highlighted early on by their little excursion into the woods to find a Christmas tree when they discuss the difficulties of being single parents when they didn’t intend to be. This didn’t really exist between Jack and Elizabeth.

Nathan is not as openly warm as Jack. He talks less and seems to make friends slower than Jack did (this is kind of highlighted when Nathan first comes to town and everyone gives him a bit of cold greeting/slow welcome). Nathan is as warm and thoughtful as Jack was, but he’s slower to show it and more careful with it. I can’t resist noting here that Nathan’s shows of affection and endearment are much simpler and less showy than Lucas’s. He’s not one for big displays of affection, but more the steady, sweet, everyday shows of affection. In my opinion, Lucas and Nathan are a split of Jack here because I think Jack was pretty middle of the road in this. Jack’s grand displays of romance were some of my absolute favorite moments in the show (HELLO candlelit walk to the church and proposal oh MAH GAWD). But, Jack also displayed a lot of quiet and humble signs of affection that I think we see more in Nathan now (Jack fixing the drawing of her comet, painting that backdrop for her, building the schoolhouse; so far we’ve mostly seen this with Nathan and the wood sign he makes for Elizabeth and the library, but also in the sweetness of how he pays attention to what she says and listening to her advice). 

Anyway, I could keep going but this post would just devolve into a Nathan appreciation post (which I might make next because I have so many thoughts about it). There’s probably more that I’m missing or have forgotten to include, so feel free to add to this!

[ahouseoflies]

The Best Films of 2020

I can’t tell you anything novel or insightful about this year that has been stolen from our lives. I watched zero of these films in a theater, and I watched most of them half-asleep in moments that I stole from my children. Don’t worry, there are some jokes below.

GARBAGE

93. Capone (Josh Trank)- What is the point of this dinner theater trash? It takes place in the last year of Capone's life, when he was released from prison due to failing health and suffered a stroke in his Florida home. So it covers...none of the things that make Al Capone interesting? It's not historically accurate, which I have no problem with, but if you steer away from accuracy, then do something daring and exciting. Don't give me endless scenes of "Phonse"--as if the movie is running from the very person it's about--drawing bags of money that promise intrigue, then deliver nothing in return.

That being said, best "titular character shits himself" scene since The Judge.

92. Ammonite (Francis Lee)- I would say that this is the Antz to Portrait of a Lady on Fire's A Bug's Life, but it's actually more like the Cars 3 to Portrait of a Lady on Fire's Toy Story 1.

91. Ava (Tate Taylor)- Despite the mystery and inscrutability that usually surround assassins, what if we made a hitman movie but cared a lot about her personal life? Except neither the assassin stuff nor the family stuff is interesting?

90. Wonder Woman 1984 (Patty Jenkins)- What a miscalculation of what audiences loved about the first and wanted from the sequel. WW84 is silly and weightless in all of the ways that the first was elegant and confident. If the return of Pine is just a sort of phantom representation of Diana's desires, then why can he fly a real plane? If he is taking over another man's soul, then, uh, what ends up happening to that guy? For that matter, why is it not 1984 enough for Ronald Reagan to be president, but it is 1984 enough for the president to have so many Ronald Reagan signifiers that it's confusing? Why not just make a decision?

On paper, the me-first values of the '80s lend themselves to the monkey's paw wish logic of this plot. You could actually do something with the Star Wars program or the oil crisis. But not if the setting is played for only laughs and the screenplay explains only what it feels like.

89. Babyteeth (Shannon Murphy)- In this type of movie, there has to be a period of the Ben Mendelsohn character looking around befuddled about the new arrangement and going, "What's this now--he's going to be...living with us? The guy who tried to steal our medication? This is crazy!" But that's usually ten minutes, and in this movie it's an hour. I was so worn out by the end.

88. You Should Have Left (David Koepp)- David Koepp wrote Jurassic Park, so he's never going to hell, but how dare he start caring about his own mystery at the hour mark. There's a forty-five minute version of this movie that could get an extra star from me, and there's a three-hour version of Amanda Seyfried walking around in athleisure that would get four stars from me. What we actually get? No thanks.

87. Black Is King (Beyonce, et al.)- End your association with The Lion King, Bey. It has resulted in zero bops.

  ADMIRABLE FAILURES

86. Birds of Prey (And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn) (Cathy Yan)- There's nothing too dysfunctional in the storytelling or performances, but Birds of Prey also doesn't do a single thing well. I would prefer something alive and wild, even if it were flawed, to whatever tame belt-level formula this is.

85. The Turning (Floria Sigismondi)- This update of The Turn of the Screw pumps the age of Miles up to high school, which creates some horny creepiness that I liked. But the age of the character also prevents the ending of the novel from happening in favor of a truly terrible shrug. I began to think that all of the patience that the film showed earlier was just hesitance for its own awful ending.

I watched The Turning as a Mackenzie Davis Movie Star heat check, and while I'm not sure she has the magnetism I was looking for, she does have a great teacher voice, chastening but maternal.

84. Bloodshot (David Wilson)- A whole lot of Vin Diesel saying he's going to get revenge and kill a bunch of dudes; not a whole lot of Vin Diesel actually getting revenge and killing a bunch of dudes.

83. Downhill (Nat Faxon and Jim Rash)- I was an English major in college, which means I ended up locking myself into literary theories that, halfway through the writing of an essay, I realized were flawed. But rather than throw out the work that I had already proposed, I would just keep going and see if I could will the idea to success.

So let's say you have a theory that you can take Force Majeure by Ruben Ostlund, one of the best films of its year, and remake it so that its statement about familial anxiety could apply to Americans of the same age and class too...if it hadn't already. And maybe in the first paragraph you mess up by casting Will Ferrell and Julia Louis-Dreyfus, people we are conditioned to laugh at, when maybe this isn't that kind of comedy at all. Well, don't throw it away. You can quote more--fill up the pages that way--take an exact shot or scene from the original. Does that help? Maybe you can make the writing more vigorous and distinctive by adding a character. Is that going to make this baby stand out? Maybe you could make it more personal by adding a conclusion that is slightly more clever than the rest of the paper?

Or perhaps this is one you're just not going to get an A on.

82. Hillbilly Elegy (Ron Howard)- I watched this melodrama at my mother's encouragement, and, though I have been trying to pin down her taste for decades, I think her idea of a successful film just boils down to "a lot of stuff happens." So in that way, Ron Howard's loss is my gain, I guess.

There is no such thing as a "neutral Terminator."

81. Relic (Natalie Erika James)- The star of the film is Vanessa Cerne's set decoration, but the inert music and slow pace cancel out a house that seems neglected slowly over decades.

80. Buffaloed (Tanya Wexler)- Despite a breathless pace, Buffaloed can't quite congeal. In trying to split the difference between local color hijinks and Moneyballed treatise on debt collection, it doesn't commit enough to either one.

Especially since Zoey Deutch produced this one in addition to starring, I'm getting kind of worried about boo's taste. Lot of Two If by Seas; not enough While You Were Sleepings.

79. Like a Boss (Miguel Arteta)- I chuckled a few times at a game supporting cast that is doing heavy lifting. But Like a Boss is contrived from the premise itself--Yeah, what if people in their thirties fell out of friendship? Do y'all need a creative consultant?--to the escalation of most scenes--Why did they have to hide on the roof? Why do they have to jump into the pool?

The movie is lean, but that brevity hurts just as much as it helps. The screenplay knows which scenes are crucial to the development of the friendship, but all of those feel perfunctory, in a different gear from the setpieces.  

To pile on a bit: Studio comedies are so bare bones now that they look like Lifetime movies. Arteta brought Chuck & Buck to Sundance twenty years ago, and, shot on Mini-DV for $250,000, it was seen as a DIY call-to-bootstraps. I guarantee that has more setups and locations and shooting days than this.

78. Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga (David Dobkin)- Add Dan Stevens to the list of supporting players who have bodied Will Ferrell in his own movie--one that he cared enough to write himself.  

Like Downhill, Ferrell's other 2020 release, this isn't exactly bad. It's just workmanlike and, aside from the joke about Demi Lovato's "uninformed" ghost, frustratingly conventional.

77. The Traitor (Marco Bellochio)- Played with weary commitment by Pierfrancesco Favino, Tomasso Buscetta is "credited" as the first informant of La Cosa Nostra. And that sounds like an interesting subject for a "based on a true story" crime epic, right? Especially when you find out that Buscetta became a rat out of principle: He believed that the mafia to which he had pledged his life had lost its code to the point that it was a different organization altogether.  

At no point does Buscetta waver or even seem to struggle with his decision though, so what we get is less conflicted than that description might suggest. None of these Italian mob movies glorify the lifestyle, so I wasn't expecting that. But if the crime doesn't seem enticing, and snitching on the crime seems like forlorn duty, and everything is pitched with such underhanded matter-of-factness that you can't even be sure when Buscetta has flipped, then what are we left with? It was interesting seeing how Italian courts work, I guess?

76. Kajillionaire (Miranda July)- This is another movie so intent on building atmosphere and lore that it takes too long to declare what it is. When the protagonist hits a breaking point and has to act, she has only a third of a film to grow. So whispery too.

Gina Rodriguez is the one to inject life into it. As soon as her motormouth winds up, the film slips into a different gear. The atmosphere and lore that I mentioned reeks of artifice, but her character is believably specific. Beneath a basic exterior is someone who is authentically caring but still morally compromised, beholden to the world that the other characters are suspicious of.

75. Scoob! (Tony Cervone)- The first half is sometimes clever, but it hammers home the importance of friendship while separating the friends.

The second half has some positive messaging, but your kids' movie might have a problem with scale if it involves Alexander the Great unlocking the gates of the Underworld.

My daughter loved it.

74. The Lovebirds (Michael Showalter)- If I start talking too much about this perfectly fine movie, I end up in that unfair stance of reviewing the movie I wanted, not what is actually there.* As a fan of hang-out comedies, I kind of resent that any comedy being made now has to be rolled into something more "exciting," whether it's a wrongfully accused or mistaken identity thriller or some other genre. Such is the post-Game Night world. There's a purposefully anti-climactic note that I wish The Lovebirds had ended on, but of course we have another stretch of hiding behind boats and shooting guns. Nanjiani and Rae are really charming leads though.

*- As a New Orleanian, I was totally distracted by the fake aspects of the setting too. "Oh, they walked to Jefferson from downtown? Really?" You probably won't be bothered by the locations.

73. Sonic the Hedgehog (Jeff Fowler)- In some ways the storytelling is ambitious. (I'm speaking for only myself, but I'm fine with "He's a hedgehog, and he's really fast" instead of the owl mother, teleportation backstory. Not everything has to be Tolkien.) But that ambition doesn't match the lack of ambition in the comedy, which depends upon really hackneyed setups and structures. Guiding Jim Carrey to full alrighty-then mode was the best choice anyone made.

72. Malcolm & Marie (Sam Levinson)- The stars move through these long scenes with agility and charisma, but the degree of difficulty is just too high for this movie to reach what it's going for.

Levinson is trying to capture an epic fight between a couple, and he can harness the theatrical intensity of such a thing, but he sacrifices almost all of the nuance. In real life, these knock-down-drag-outs can be circular and indirect and sad in a way that this couple's manipulation rarely is. If that emotional truth is all this movie is trying to achieve, I feel okay about being harsh in my judgment of how well it does that.

71. Beanpole (Kantemir Balagov)- Elusive in how it refuses to declare itself, forthright in how punishing it is. The whole thing might be worth it for a late dinner scene, but I'm getting a bit old to put myself through this kind of misery.

70. The Burnt Orange Heresy (Giuseppe Capotondi)- Silly in good ways until it's silly in bad ways. Elizabeth Debicki remains 6'3".

69. Everybody’s Everything (Sebastian Jones and Ramez Silyan)- As a person who listened to Lil Peep's music, I can confidently say that this documentary is overstating his greatness. His death was a significant loss, as the interview subjects will all acknowledge, but the documentary is more useful as a portrait of a certain unfocused, rapacious segment of a generation that is high and online at all times.

68. The Witches (Robert Zemeckis)- Robert Zemeckis, Kenya Barris, and Guillermo Del Toro are the credited screenwriters, and in a fascinating way, you can see the imprint of each figure on the final product. Adapting a very European story to the old wives' tales of the American South is an interesting choice. Like the Nicolas Roeg try at this material, Zemeckis is not afraid to veer into the terrifying, and Octavia Spencer's pseudo witch doctor character only sells the supernatural. From a storytelling standpoint though, it seems as if the obstacles are overcome too easily, as if there's a whole leg of the film that has been excised. The framing device and the careful myth-making of the flashback make promises that the hotel half of the film, including the abrupt ending, can't live up to.

If nothing else, Anne Hathaway is a real contender for Most On-One Performance of the year.

67. Irresistible (Jon Stewart)- Despite a sort of imaginative ending, Jon Stewart's screenplay feels more like the declarative screenplay that would get you hired for a good movie, not a good screenplay itself. It's provocative enough, but it's clumsy in some basic ways and never evades the easy joke.

For example, the Topher Grace character is introduced as a sort of assistant, then is re-introduced an hour later as a polling expert, then is shown coaching the candidate on presentation a few scenes later. At some point, Stewart combined characters into one role, but nothing got smoothed out.

ENDEARING CURIOSITIES WITH BIG FLAWS

66. Yes, God, Yes (Karen Maine)- Most people who are Catholic, including me, are conflicted about it. Most people who make movies about being Catholic hate it and have an axe to grind. This film is capable of such knowing wit and nuance when it comes to the lived-in details of attending a high school retreat, but it's more concerned with taking aim at hypocrisy in the broad way that we've seen a million times. By the end, the film is surprisingly all-or-nothing when Christian teenagers actually contain multitudes.

Part of the problem is that Karen Maine's screenplay doesn't know how naive to make the Alice character. Sometimes she's reasonably naive for a high school senior in 2001; sometimes she's comically naive so that the plot can work; and sometimes she's stupid, which isn't the same as naive.

65. Bad Boys for Life (Adil El Arbi and Bilall Fallah)- This might be the first buddy cop movie in which the vets make peace with the tech-comm youngs who use new techniques. If that's the only novelty on display here--and it is--then maybe that's enough. I laughed maybe once. Not that the mistaken identity subplot of Bad Boys 1 is genius or anything, but this entry felt like it needed just one more layer to keep it from feeling as basic as it does. Speaking of layers though, it's almost impossible to watch any Will Smith movie now without viewing it through the meta-narrative of "What is Will Smith actually saying about his own status at this point in his career?" He's serving it up to us.

I derived an inordinate amount of pleasure from seeing the old school Simpson/Bruckheimer logo.

64. The Gentlemen (Guy Ritchie)- Look, I'm not going to be too negative on a movie whose crime slang is so byzantine that it has to be explained with subtitles. That's just me. I'm a simple man. But I can tell you that I tuned out pretty hard after seven or eight double-crosses.

The bloom is off the rose a bit for Ritchie, but he can still nail a music cue. I've been waiting for someone to hit "That's Entertainment" the way he does on the end credits.

63. Bad Hair (Justin Simien)- In Bad Hair, an African-American woman is told by her boss at a music video channel in 1989 that straightening her hair is the way to get ahead; however, her weave ends up having a murderous mind of its own. Compared to that charged, witty logline, the execution of the plot itself feels like a laborious, foregone conclusion. I'm glad that Simien, a genuinely talented writer, is making movies again though. Drop the skin-care routine, Van Der Beek!

62. Greyhound (Aaron Schneider)- "If this is the type of role that Tom Hanks writes for himself, then he understands his status as America's dad--'wise as the serpent, harmless as the dove'--even better than I thought." "America's Dad! Aye aye, sir!" "At least half of the dialogue is there for texture and authenticity, not there to be understood by the audience." "Fifty percent, Captain!" "The environment looks as fake as possible, but I eventually came around to the idea that the movie is completely devoid of subtext." "No subtext to be found, sir!"

  61. Mank (David Fincher)- About ten years ago, the Creative Screenwriting podcast spent an hour or so with James Vanderbilt, the writer of Zodiac and nothing else that comes close, as he relayed the creative paces that David Fincher pushed him through. Hundreds of drafts and years of collaborative work eventuated in the blueprint for Fincher's most exacting, personal film, which he didn't get a writing credit on only because he didn't seek one.

Something tells me that Fincher didn't ask for rewrites from his dead father. No matter what visuals and performances the director can coax from the script--and, to be clear, these are the worst visuals and performances of his career--they are limited by the muddy lightweight pages. There are plenty of pleasures, like the slippery election night montage or the shakily platonic relationship between Mank and Marion. But Fincher hadn't made a film in six years, and he came back serving someone else's master.

60. Tesla (Michael Almereyda)- "You live inside your head." "Doesn't everybody?"

As usual, Almereyda's deconstructions are invigorating. (No other moment can match the first time Eve Hewson's Anne fact-checks something with her anachronistic laptop.) But they don't add up to anything satisfying because Tesla himself is such an opaque figure. Driven by the whims of his curiosity without a clear finish line, the character gives Hawke something enigmatic to play as he reaches deep into a baritone. But he's too inward to lend himself to drama. Tesla feels of a piece with Almereyda's The Experimenter, and that's the one I would recommend.

59. Vitalina Varela (Pedro Costa)- I can't oversell how delicately beautiful this film is visually. There's a scene in which Vitalina lugs a lantern into a church, but we get several seconds of total darkness before that one light source carves through it and takes over part of the frame. Each composition is as intricate as it is overpowering, achieving a balance between stark and mannered.

That being said, most of the film is people entering or exiting doors. I felt very little of the haunting loss that I think I was supposed to.

58. The Rhythm Section (Reed Morano)- Call it the Timothy Hutton in The General's Daughter Corollary: If a name-actor isn't in the movie much but gets third billing, then, despite whom he sends the protagonist to kill, he is the Actual Bad Guy.  

Even if the movie serves up a lot of cliche, the action and sound design are visceral. I would like to see more from Morano.

57. Red, White and Blue (Steve McQueen)- Well-made and heartfelt even if it goes step-for-step where you think it will.

Here's what I want to know though: In the academy training sequence, the police cadets have to subdue a "berserker"; that is, a wildman who swings at their riot gear with a sledgehammer. Then they get him under control, and he shakes their hands, like, "Good angle you took on me there, mate." Who is that guy and where is his movie? Is this full-time work? Is he a police officer or an independent contractor? What would happen if this exercise didn't go exactly as planned?

56. Wolfwalkers (Tomm Moore and Ross Stewart)- The visuals have an unfinished quality that reminded me of The Tale of Princess Kaguya--the center of a flame is undrawn white, and fog is just negative space. There's an underlying symmetry to the film, and its color palette changes with mood.

Narratively, it's pro forma and drawn-out. Was Riley in Inside Out the last animated protagonist to get two parents? My daughter stuck with it, but she needed a lot of context for the religious atmosphere of 17th century Ireland.

55. What She Said: The Art of Pauline Kael (Rob Garver)- The film does little more than one might expect; it's limited in the way that any visual medium is when trying to sum up a woman of letters. But as far as education for Kael's partnership with Warren Beatty or the idea of The New Yorker paying her for only six months out of the year, it was useful for me.  

Although Garver isn't afraid to point to the work that made Kael divisive, it would have been nice to have one or two interview subjects who questioned her greatness, rather than the crew of Paulettes who, even when they do say something like, "Sometimes I radically disagreed with her," do it without being able to point to any specifics.

54. Beastie Boys Story (Spike Jonze)- As far as this Spike Jonze completist is concerned, this is more of a Powerpoint presentation than a movie, Beastie Boys Story still warmed my heart, making me want to fire up Paul's Boutique again and take more pictures of my buddies.

53. Tenet (Christopher Nolan)- Cool and cold, tantalizing and frustrating, loud and indistinct, Tenet comes close to Nolan self-parody, right down to the brutalist architecture and multiple characters styled like him. The setpieces grabbed me, I'll admit.

Nolan's previous film, which is maybe his best, was "about" a lot and just happened to play with time; Tenet is only about playing with time.

PRETTY GOOD MOVIES

52. Shithouse (Cooper Raiff)- "Death is ass."

There's such a thing as too naturalistic. If I wanted to hear how college freshmen really talked, I would hang out with college freshmen. But you have to take the good verisimilitude with the bad, and good verisimilitude is the mother's Pod Save America t-shirt.

There are some poignant moments (and a gonzo performance from Logan Miller) in this auspicious debut from Cooper Raiff, the writer/director/editor/star. But the second party sequence kills some of the momentum, and at a crucial point, the characters spell out some motivation that should have stayed implied.

51. Totally Under Control (Alex Gibney, Ophelia Harutyunyan, Suzanne Hillinger)- As dense and informative as any other Gibney documentary with the added flex of making it during the pandemic it is investigating.

But yeah, why am I watching this right now? I don't need more reasons to be angry with Trump, whom this film calmly eviscerates. The directors analyze Trump's narcissism first through his contradictions of medical expertise in order to protect the economy that could win him re-election. Then it takes aim at his hiring based on loyalty instead of experience. But you already knew that, which is the problem with the film, at least for now.

50. Happiest Season (Clea Duvall)- I was in the perfect mood to watch something this frothy and bouncy. Every secondary character receives a moment in the sun, and Daniel Levy gets a speech that kind of saves the film at a tipping point.

I must say though: I wanted to punch Harper in her stupid face. She is a terrible romantic partner, abandoning or betraying Abby throughout the film and dissembling her entire identity to everyone else in a way that seems absurd for a grown woman in 2020. Run away, Kristen. Perhaps with Aubrey Plaza, whom you have more chemistry with. But there I go shipping and aligning myself with characters, which only proves that this is an effective romantic comedy.

49. The Way Back (Gavin O’Connor)- Patient but misshapen, The Way Back does just enough to overcome the cliches that are sort of unavoidable considering the genre. (I can't get enough of the parent character who, for no good reason, doesn't take his son's success seriously. "Scholarship? What he's gotta do is put his nose in them books! That's why I don't go to his games. [continues moving boxes while not looking at the other character] Now if you'll excuse me while I wait four scenes before showing up at a game to prove that I'm proud of him after all...")

What the movie gets really right or really wrong in the details about coaching and addiction is a total crap-shoot. But maybe I've said too much already.

48. The Whistlers (Corneliu Porumboiu)- Porumboiu is a real artist who seems to be interpreting how much surveillance we're willing to acknowledge and accept, but I won't pretend to have understood much of the plot, the chapters or which are told out of order. Sometimes the structure works--the beguiling, contextless "high-class hooker" sequence--but I often wondered if the film was impenetrable in the way that Porumboiu wanted it to be or impenetrable in the way he didn't.

To tell you the truth, the experience kind of depressed me because I know that, in my younger days, this film is the type of thing that I would re-watch, possibly with the chronology righted, knowing that it is worth understanding fully. But I have two small children, and I'm exhausted all the time, and I kind of thought I should get some credit for still trying to catch up with Romanian crime movies in the first place.

47. Borat Subsequent Moviefilm (Jason Woliner)- I laughed too much to get overly critical, but the film is so episodic and contrived that it's kind of exhausting by the end--even though it's achieving most of its goals. Maybe Borat hasn't changed, but the way our citizens own their ugliness has.

46. First Cow (Kelly Reichardt)- Despite how little happens in the first forty minutes, First Cow is a thoughtful capitalism parable. Even though it takes about forty minutes to get going, the friendship between Cookie and King-Lu is natural and incisive. Like Reichardt's other work, the film's modest premise unfolds quite gracefully, except for in the first forty minutes, which are uneventful.

45. Les Miserables (Ladj Ly)- I loved parts of the film--the disorienting, claustrophobic opening or the quick look at the police officers' home lives, for example. But I'm not sure that it does anything very well. The needle the film tries to thread between realism and theater didn't gel for me. The ending, which is ambiguous in all of the wrong ways, chooses the theatrical. (If I'm being honest, my expectations were built up by Les Miserables' Jury Prize at Cannes, and it's a bit superficial to be in that company.)

If nothing else, it's always helpful to see how another country's worst case scenario in law enforcement would look pretty good over here.

44. Bad Education (Cory Finley)- The film feels too locked-down and small at the beginning, so intent on developing the protagonist neutrally that even the audience isn't aware of his secrets. So when he faces consequences for those secrets, there's a disconnect. Part of tragedy is seeing the doom coming, right?

When it opens up, however, it's empathetic and subtle, full of a dry irony that Finley is already specializing in after only one other feature. Geraldine Viswanathan and Allison Janney get across a lot of interiority that is not on the page.

43. The Trip to Greece (Michael Winterbottom)- By the fourth installment, you know whether you're on board with the franchise. If you're asking "Is this all there is?" to Coogan and Brydon's bickering and impressions as they're served exotic food in picturesque settings, then this one won't sway you. If you're asking "Is this all there is?" about life, like they are, then I don't need to convince you.  

I will say that The Trip to Spain seemed like an enervated inflection point, at which the squad could have packed it in. The Trip to Greece proves that they probably need to keep doing this until one of them dies, which has been the subtext all along.

42. Feels Good Man (Arthur Jones)- This documentary centers on innocent artist Matt Furie's helplessness as his Pepe the Frog character gets hijacked by the alt-right. It gets the hard things right. It's able to, quite comprehensively, trace a connection from 4Chan's use of Pepe the Frog to Donald Trump's near-assuming of Pepe's ironic deniability. Director Arthur Jones seems to understand the machinations of the alt-right, and he articulates them chillingly.

The easy thing, making us connect to Furie, is less successful. The film spends way too much time setting up his story, and it makes him look naive as it pits him against Alex Jones in the final third. Still, the film is a quick ninety-two minutes, and the highs are pretty high.

41. The Old Guard (Gina Prince-Bythewood)- Some of the world-building and backstory are handled quite elegantly. The relationships actually do feel centuries old through specific details, and the immortal conceit comes together for an innovative final action sequence.

Visually and musically though, the film feels flat in a way that Prince-Bythewood's other films do not. I blame Netflix specs. KiKi Layne, who tanked If Beale Street Could Talk for me, nearly ruins this too with the child-actory way that she stresses one word per line. Especially in relief with one of our more effortless actresses, Layne is distracting.

40. The Trial of the Chicago 7 (Aaron Sorkin)- Whenever Sacha Baron Cohen's Abbie Hoffman opens his mouth, the other defendants brace themselves for his dismissive vulgarity. Even when it's going to hurt him, he can't help but shoot off at the mouth. Of course, he reveals his passionate and intelligent depths as the trial goes on. The character is the one that Sorkin's screenplay seems the most endeared to: In the same way that Hoffman can't help but be Hoffman, Sorkin can't help but be Sorkin. Maybe we don't need a speech there; maybe we don't have to stretch past two hours; maybe a bon mot diffuses the tension. But we know exactly what to expect by now. The film is relevant, astute, witty, benevolent, and, of course, in love with itself. There are a handful of scenes here that are perfect, so I feel bad for qualifying so much.

A smaller point: Daniel Pemberton has done great work in the past (Motherless Brooklyn, King Arthur, The Man from U.N.C.L.E.), but the first sequence is especially marred by his sterile soft-rock approach.

  GOOD MOVIES

39. Time (Garrett Bradley)- The key to Time is that it provides very little context. Why the patriarch of this family is serving sixty years in prison is sort of besides the point philosophically. His wife and sons have to move on without him, and the tragedy baked into that fact eclipses any notion of what he "deserved." Feeling the weight of time as we switch back and forth between a kid talking about his first day of kindergarten and that same kid graduating from dentistry school is all the context we need. Time's presentation can be quite sumptuous: The drone shot of Angola makes its buildings look like crosses. Or is it X's?

At the same time, I need some context. When director Garrett Bradley withholds the reason Robert's in prison, and when she really withholds that Fox took a plea and served twelve years, you start to see the strings a bit. You could argue that knowing so little about why, all of a sudden, Robert can be on parole puts you into the same confused shoes as the family, but it feels manipulative to me. The film is preaching to the choir as far as criminal justice goes, which is fine, but I want it to have the confidence to tell its story above board.

38. Bloody Nose, Empty Pockets (Turner Ross and Bill Ross IV)- I have a barfly friend whom I see maybe once a year. When we first set up a time to meet, I kind of dread it and wonder what we'll have to talk about. Once we do get together, we trip on each other's words a bit, fumbling around with the rhythm of conversation that we mastered decades ago. He makes some kind of joke that could have been appropriate then but isn't now.

By the end of the day, hours later, we're hugging and maybe crying as we promise each other that we won't wait as long next time.

That's the exact same journey that I went on with this film.

37. Underwater (William Eubank)- Underwater is a story that you've seen before, but it's told with great confidence and economy. I looked up at twelve minutes and couldn't believe the whole table had been set. Kristen plays Ripley and projects a smart, benevolent poise.

36. The Lodge (Veronika Franz and Severin Fiala)- I prefer the grounded, manicured first half to the more fantastic second half. The craziness of the latter is only possible through the hard work of the former though. As with Fiala and Franz's previous feature, the visual rhymes and motifs get incorporated into the soup so carefully that you don't realize it until they overwhelm you in their bleak glory.

Small note: Alicia Silverstone, the male lead's first wife, and Riley Keough, his new partner, look sort of similar. I always think that's a nice note: "I could see how he would go for her."

35. Miss Americana (Lana Wilson)- I liked it when I saw it as a portrait of a person whose life is largely decided for her but is trying to carve out personal spaces within that hamster wheel. I loved it when I realized that describes most successful people in their twenties.

34. Sound of Metal (Darius Marder)- Riz Ahmed is showing up on all of the best performances of the year lists, but Sound of Metal isn't in anyone's top ten films of the year. That's about right. Ahmed's is a quiet, stubborn performance that I wish was in service of more than the straight line that we've seen before.

In two big scenes, there's this trick that Ahmed does, a piecing together of consequences with his eyes, as if he's moving through a flow chart in real time. In both cases, the character seems locked out and a little slower than he should be, which is, of course, why he's facing the consequences in the first place. To be charitable to a film that was a bit of a grind, it did make me notice a thing a guy did with his eyes.

33. Pieces of a Woman (Kornel Mundruczo)- Usually when I leave acting showcases like this, I imagine the film without the Oscar-baiting speeches, but this is a movie that specializes in speeches. Pieces of a Woman is being judged, deservedly so, by the harrowing twenty-minute take that opens the film, which is as indulgent as it is necessary. But if the unbroken take provides the "what," then the speeches provide the "why."

This is a film about reclaiming one's body when it rebels against you and when other people seek ownership of it. Without the Ellen Burstyn "lift your head" speech or the Vanessa Kirby show-stopper in the courtroom, I'm not sure any of that comes across.

I do think the film lets us off the hook a bit with the LaBoeuf character, in the sense that it gives us reasons to dislike him when it would be more compelling if he had done nothing wrong. Does his half-remembering of the White Stripes count as a speech?

32. Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom (George C. Wolfe)- This is such a play, not only in the locked-down location but also through nearly every storytelling convention: "Where are the two most interesting characters? Oh, running late? They'll enter separately in animated fashion?" But, to use the type of phrase that the characters might, "Don't hate the player; hate the game."

Perhaps the most theatrical note in this treatise on the commodification of expression is the way that, two or three times, the proceedings stop in their tracks for the piece to declare loudly what it's about. In one of those clear-outs, Boseman, who looks distractingly sick, delivers an unforgettable monologue that transports the audience into his character's fragile, haunted mind. He and Viola Davis are so good that the film sort of buckles under their weight, unsure of how to transition out of those spotlight moments and pretend that the story can start back up. Whatever they're doing is more interesting than what's being achieved overall.

31. Another Round (Thomas Vinterberg)- It's definitely the film that Vinterberg wanted to make, but despite what I think is a quietly shattering performance from Mikkelsen, Another Round moves in a bit too much of a straight line to grab me fully. The joyous final minutes hint at where it could have gone, as do pockets of Vinterberg's filmography, which seems newly tethered to realism in a way that I don't like. The best sequences are the wildest ones, like the uproarious trip to the grocery store for fresh cod, so I don't know why so much of it takes place in tiny hallways at magic hour. I give the inevitable American remake* permission to use these notes.

*- Just spitballing here. Martin: Will Ferrell, Nikolaj (Nick): Ben Stiller, Tommy: Owen Wilson, Peter: Craig Robinson

30. The Invisible Man (Leigh Whannell)- Exactly what I wanted. Exactly what I needed.

I think a less conclusive finale would have been better, but what a model of high-concept escalation. This is the movie people convinced me Whannell's Upgrade was.

29. On the Rocks (Sofia Coppola)- Slight until the Mexican sojourn, which expands the scope and makes the film even more psychosexual than before. At times it feels as if Coppola is actively simplifying, rather than diving into the race and privilege questions that the Murray character all but demands.

As for Murray, is the film 50% worse without him? 70%? I don't know if you can run in supporting categories if you're the whole reason the film exists.

28. Mangrove (Steve McQueen)- The first part of the film seemed repetitive and broad to me. But once it settled in as a courtroom drama, the characterization became more shaded, and the filmmaking itself seemed more fluid. I ended up being quite outraged and inspired.

27. Shirley (Josephine Decker)- Josephine Decker emerges as a real stylist here, changing her foggy, impressionistic approach not one bit with a little more budget. Period piece and established actors be damned--this is still as much of a reeling fever dream as Madeline's Madeline. Both pieces are a bit too repetitive and nasty for my taste, but I respect the technique.

Here's my mandatory "Elisabeth Moss is the best" paragraph. While watching her performance as Shirley Jackson, I thought about her most famous role as Peggy on Mad Men, whose inertia and need to prove herself tied her into confidence knots. Shirley is almost the opposite: paralyzed by her worldview, certain of her talent, rejecting any empathy. If Moss can inhabit both characters so convincingly, she can do anything.

26. An American Pickle (Brandon Trost)- An American Pickle is the rare comedy that could actually use five or ten extra minutes, but it's a surprisingly heartfelt and wholesome stretch for Rogen, who is earnest in the lead roles.

25. The King of Staten Island (Judd Apatow)- At two hours and fifteen minutes, The King of Staten Island is probably the first Judd Apatow film that feels like the exact right length. For example, the baggy date scene between a gracious Bill Burr and a faux-dowdy Marisa Tomei is essential, the sort of widening of perspective that something like Trainwreck was missing.

It's Pete Davidson's movie, however, and though he has never been my cup of tea, I think he's actually quite powerful in his quiet moments. The movie probes some rare territory--a mentally ill man's suspicion that he is unlovable, a family's strategic myth-making out of respect for the dead. And when Davidson shows up at the firehouse an hour and fifteen minutes in, it feels as if we've built to a last resort.

24. Swallow (Carlo Mirabella-Davis)- The tricky part of this film is communicating Hunter's despair, letting her isolation mount, but still keeping her opaque. It takes a lot of visual discipline to do that, and Claudio Mirabella-Davis is up to the task. This ends up being a much more sympathetic, expressive movie than the plot description might suggest.

(In the tie dispute, Hunter and Richie are both wrong. That type of silk--I couldn't tell how pebbled it was, but it's probably a barathea weave-- shouldn't be ironed directly, but it doesn't have to be steamed. On a low setting, you could iron the back of the tie and be fine.)

23. The Vast of Night (Andrew Patterson)- I wanted a bit more "there" there; The film goes exactly where I thought it would, and there isn't enough humor for my taste. (The predictability might be a feature, not a bug, since the film is positioned as an episode of a well-worn Twilight Zone-esque show.)

But from a directorial standpoint, this is quite a promising debut. Patterson knows when to lock down or use silence--he even cuts to black to force us to listen more closely to a monologue. But he also knows when to fill the silence. There's a minute or so when Everett is spooling tape, and he and Fay make small talk about their hopes for the future, developing the characters' personalities in what could have been just mechanics. It's also a refreshingly earnest film. No one is winking at the '50s setting.

I'm tempted to write, "If Andrew Patterson can make this with $1 million, just imagine what he can do with $30 million." But maybe people like Shane Carruth have taught us that Patterson is better off pinching pennies in Texas and following his own muse.

22. Martin Eden (Pietro Marcello)- At first this film, adapted from a picaresque novel by Jack London, seemed as if it was hitting the marks of the genre. "He's going from job to job and meeting dudes who are shaping his worldview now." But the film, shot in lustrous Super 16, won me over as it owned the trappings of this type of story, forming a character who is a product of his environment even as he transcends it. By the end, I really felt the weight of time.

You want to talk about something that works better in novels than films though? When a passionate, independent protagonist insists that a woman is the love of his life, despite the fact that she's whatever Italians call a wet blanket. She's rich, but Martin doesn't care about her money. He hates her family and friends, and she refuses to accept him or his life pursuits. She's pretty but not even as pretty as the waitress they discuss. Tell me what I'm missing here. There's archetype, and there's incoherence.

21. Bacurau (Kleber Mendonca Filho and Juliano Dornelles)- Certain images from this adventurous film will stick with me, but I got worn out after the hard reset halfway through. As entranced as I was by the mystery of the first half, I think this blood-soaked ensemble is better at asking questions than it is at answering them.

20. Let Them All Talk (Steven Soderbergh)- The initial appeal of this movie might be "Look at these wonderful actresses in their seventies getting a movie all to themselves." And the film is an interesting portrait of ladies taking stock of relationships that have spanned decades. But Soderbergh and Eisenberg handle the twentysomething Lucas Hedges character with the same openness and empathy. His early reasoning for going on the trip is that he wants to learn from older women, and Hedges nails the puppy-dog quality of a young man who would believe that. Especially in the scenes of aspirational romance, he's sweet and earnest as he brushes his hair out of his face.

Streep plays Alice Hughes, a serious author of literary fiction, and she crosses paths with Kelvin Kranz, a grinder of airport thrillers. In all of the right ways, Let Them All Talk toes the line between those two stances as an entertaining, jaunty experiment that also shoulders subtextual weight. If nothing else, it's easy to see why a cruise ship's counterfeit opulence, its straight lines at a lean, would be visually engaging to Soderbergh. You can't have a return to form if your form is constantly evolving.

19. Dick Johnson Is Dead (Kirsten Johnson)- Understandably, I don't find the subject as interesting as his own daughter does, and large swaths of this film are unsure of what they're trying to say. But that's sort of the point, and the active wrestling that the film engages in with death ultimately pays off in a transcendent moment. The jaw-dropping ending is something that only non-fiction film can achieve, and Johnson's whole career is about the search for that sort of serendipity.

18. Da 5 Bloods (Spike Lee)- Delroy Lindo is a live-wire, but his character is the only one of the principals who is examined with the psychological depth I was hoping for. The first half, with all of its present-tense flourishes, promises more than the gunfights of the second half can deliver. When the film is cooking though, it's chock full of surprises, provocations, and pride.

17. Never Rarely Sometimes Always (Eliza Hittmann)- Very quickly, Eliza Hittmann has established herself as an astute, empathetic director with an eye for discovering new talent. I hope that she gets to make fifty more movies in which she objectively follows laconic young people. But I wanted to like this one more than I did. The approach is so neutral that it's almost flat to me, lacking the arc and catharsis of her previous film, Beach Rats. I still appreciate her restraint though.

GREAT MOVIES

16. Young Ahmed (Jean-Pierre Dardenne and Luc Dardenne)- I don't think the Dardennes have made a bad movie yet, and I'm glad they turned away from the slight genre dipping of The Unknown Girl, the closest to bad that they got. Young Ahmed is a lean, daring return to form.

Instead of following an average person, as they normally do, the Dardenne Brothers follow an extremist, and the objectivity that usually generates pathos now serves to present ambiguity. Ahmed says that he is changing, that he regrets his actions, but we never know how much of his stance is a put-on. I found myself wanting him to reform, more involved than I usually am in these slices of life. Part of it is that Idir Ben Addi looks like such a normal, young kid, and the Ahmed character has most of the qualities that we say we want in young people: principles, commitment, self-worth, reflection. So it's that much more destructive when those qualities are used against him and against his fellow man.

15. World of Tomorrow Episode Three: The Absent Destinations of David Prime (Don Hertzfeldt)- My dad, a man whom I love but will never understand, has dismissed modern music before by claiming that there are only so many combinations of chords. To him, it's almost impossible to do something new. Of course, this is the type of thing that an uncreative person would say--a person not only incapable of hearing the chords that combine notes but also unwilling to hear the space between the notes. (And obviously, that's the take of a person who doesn't understand that, originality be damned, some people just have to create.)

  Anyway, that attitude creeps into my own thinking more than I would like, but then I watch something as wholly original as World of Tomorrow Episode Three. The series has always been a way to pile sci-fi ideas on top of each other to prove the essential truths of being and loving. And this one, even though it achieves less of a sense of yearning than its predecessor, offers even more devices to chew on. Take, for example, the idea that Emily sends her message from the future, so David's primitive technology can barely handle it. In order to move forward with its sophistication, he has to delete any extraneous skills for the sake of computer memory. So out of trust for this person who loves him, he has to weigh whether his own breathing or walking can be uninstalled as a sacrifice for her. I thought that we might have been done describing love, but there it is, a new metaphor. Mixing futurism with stick figures to get at the most pure drive possible gave us something new. It's called art, Dad.

14. On the Record (Kirby Dick and Amy Ziering)- We don't call subjects of documentaries "stars" for obvious reasons, but Drew Dixon kind of is one. Her honesty and wisdom tell a complete story of the #MeToo movement. Kirby Dick and Amy Ziering take their time developing her background at first, not because we need to "gain sympathy" or "establish credibility" for a victim of sexual abuse, but because showing her talent and enthusiasm for hip-hop A&R makes it that much more tragic when her passion is extinguished. Hell, I just like the woman, so spending a half-hour on her rise was pleasurable in and of itself.

  This is a gut-wrenching, fearless entry in what is becoming Dick and Ziering's raison d'etre, but its greatest quality is Dixon's composed reflection. She helped to establish a pattern of Russell Simmons's behavior, but she explains what happened to her in ways I had never heard before.

13. David Byrne’s American Utopia (Spike Lee)- I'm often impressed by the achievements that puzzle me: How did they pull that off? But I know exactly how David Byrne pulled off the impish but direct precision of American Utopia: a lot of hard work.

I can't blame Spike Lee for stealing a page from Demme's Stop Making Sense: He denies us a close-up of any audience members until two-thirds of the way through, when we get someone in absolute rapture.

12. One Night in Miami... (Regina King)- We've all cringed when a person of color is put into the position of speaking on behalf of his or her entire race. But the characters in One Night in Miami... live in that condition all the time and are constantly negotiating it. As Black public figures in 1964, they know that the consequences of their actions are different, bigger, than everyone else's. The charged conversations between Malcolm X and Sam Cooke are not about whether they can live normal lives. They're way past that. The stakes are closer to Sam Cooke arguing that his life's purpose aligns with the protection and elevation of African-Americans while Malcolm X argues that those pursuits should be the same thing. Late in the movie, Cassius Clay leaves the other men, a private conversation, to talk to reporters, a public conversation. But the film argues that everything these men do is always already public. They're the most powerful African-Americans in the country, but their lives are not their own. Or not only their own.

It's true that the first act has the clunkiness and artifice of a TV movie, but once the film settles into the motel room location and lets the characters feed off one another, it's gripping. It's kind of unfair for a movie to get this many scenes of Leslie Odom Jr. singing, but I'll take it.

11. Saint Frances (Alex Thompson)- Rilke wrote, "Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us." The characters' behavior in Saint Frances--all of these fully formed characters' behavior--made me think of that quotation. When they lash out at one another, even at their nastiest, the viewer has a window into how they're expressing pain they can't verbalize. The film is uneven in its subtlety, but it's a real showcase for screenwriter and star Kelly O'Sullivan, who is unflinching and dynamic in one of the best performances of the year. Somebody give her some of the attention we gave to Zach Braff for God's sake.

10. Boys State (Jesse Moss and Amanda McBaine)- This documentary is kind of a miracle from a logistical standpoint. From casting interviews beforehand, lots of editing afterwards, or sly note-taking once the conference began, McBaine and Moss happened to select the four principals who mattered the most at the convention, then found them in rooms full of dudes wearing the same tucked-in t-shirt. By the way, all of the action took place over the course of one week, and by definition, the important events are carved in half.

To call Boys State a microcosm of American politics is incorrect. These guys are forming platforms and voting in elections. What they're doing is American politics, so when they make the same compromises and mistakes that active politicians do, it produces dread and disappointment. So many of the boys are mimicking the political theater that they see on TV, and that sweaty sort of performance is going to make a Billy Mitchell out of this kid Ben Feinstein, and we'll be forced to reckon with how much we allow him to evolve as a person. This film is so precise, but what it proves is undeniably messy. Luckily, some of these seventeen-year-olds usher in hope for us all.

If nothing else, the film reveals the level to which we're all speaking in code.

9. The Nest (Sean Durkin)- In the first ten minutes or so of The Nest, the only real happy minutes, father and son are playing soccer in their quaint backyard, and the father cheats to score on a children's net before sliding on the grass to rub in his victory. An hour later, the son kicks the ball around by himself near a regulation goal on the family's massive property. The contrast is stark and obvious, as is the symbolism of the dead horse, but that doesn't mean it's not visually powerful or resonant.

Like Sean Durkin's earlier film, Martha Marcy May Marlene, the whole of The Nest is told with detail of novelistic scope and an elevation of the moment. A snippet of radio that mentions Ronald Reagan sets the time period, rather than a dateline. One kid saying "Thanks, Dad" and another kid saying, "Thanks, Rory" establishes a stepchild more elegantly than any other exposition might.

But this is also a movie that does not hide what it means. Characters usually say exactly what is on their minds, and motivations are always clear. For example, Allison smokes like a chimney, so her daughter's way of acting out is leaving butts on the window sill for her mother to find. (And mother and daughter both definitely "act out" their feelings.) On the other hand, Ben, Rory's biological son, is the character least like him, so these relationships aren't too directly parallel. Regardless, Durkin uses these trajectories to cast a pall of familial doom.

8. Sorry We Missed You (Sean Durkin)- Another precisely calibrated empathy machine from Ken Loach. The overwhelmed matriarch, Abby, is a caretaker, and she has to break up a Saturday dinner to rescue one of her clients, who wet herself because no one came to help her to the bathroom. The lady is embarrassed, and Abby calms her down by saying, "You mean more to me than you know." We know enough about Abby's circumstances to realize that it's sort of a lie, but it's a beautiful lie, told by a person who cares deeply but is not cared for.

Loach's central point is that the health of a family, something we think of as immutable and timeless, is directly dependent upon the modern industry that we use to destroy ourselves. He doesn't have to be "proven" relevant, and he didn't plan for Covid-19 to point to the fragility of the gig economy, but when you're right, you're right.

7. Lovers Rock (Steve McQueen)- swear to you I thought: "This is an impeccable depiction of a great house party. The only thing it's missing is the volatile dude who scares away all the girls." And then the volatile dude who scares away all the girls shows up.

In a year short on magic, there are two or three transcendent moments, but none of them can equal the whole crowd singing along to "Silly Games" way after the song has ended. Nothing else crystallizes the film's note of celebration: of music, of community, of safe spaces, of Black skin. I remember moments like that at house parties, and like all celebrations, they eventually make me sad.

6. Crip Camp: A Disability Revolution (Nicole Newnham and James Lebrecht)- I held off on this movie because I thought that I knew what it was. The setup was what I expected: A summer camp for the disabled in the late '60s takes on the spirit of the time and becomes a haven for people who have not felt agency, self-worth, or community anywhere else. But that's the right-place-right-time start of a story that takes these figures into the '80s as they fight for their rights.

If you're anything like my dumb ass, you know about 504 accommodations from the line on a college syllabus that promises equal treatment. If 2020 has taught us anything though, it's that rights are seized, not given, and this is the inspiring story of people who unified to demand what they deserved. Judy Heumann is a civil rights giant, but I'm ashamed to say I didn't know who she was before this film. If it were just a history lesson that wasn't taught in school, Crip Camp would still be valuable, but it's way more than that.

5. Palm Springs (Max Barbakow)- When explaining what is happening to them, Andy Samberg's Nyles twirls his hand at Cristin Milioti's Sara and says, "It's one of those infinite time-loop scenarios." Yeah, one of those. Armed with only a handful of fictional examples, she and the audience know exactly what he means, and the continually inventive screenplay by Andy Siara doesn't have to do any more explaining. In record time, the film accelerates into its premise, involves her, and sets up the conflict while avoiding the claustrophobia of even Groundhog Day. That economy is the strength that allows it to be as funny as it is. By being thrifty with the setup, the savings can go to, say, the couple crashing a plane into a fiery heap with no consequences.

In some accidental ways, this is, of course, a quarantine romance as well. Nyles and Sara frustratingly navigate the tedious wedding as if they are play-acting--which they sort of are--then they push through that sameness to grow for each other, realizing that dependency is not weakness. The best relationships are doing the same thing right now.

  Although pointedly superficial--part of the point of why the couple is such a match--and secular--I think the notion of an afterlife would come up at least once--Palm Springs earns the sincerity that it gets around to. And for a movie ironic enough to have a character beg to be impaled so that he doesn't have to sit in traffic, that's no small feat.

  4. The Assistant (Kitty Green)- A wonder of Bressonian objectivity and rich observation, The Assistant is the rare film that deals exclusively with emotional depth while not once explaining any emotions. One at a time, the scrape of the Kleenex box might not be so grating, the long hallway trek to the delivery guy might not be so tiring, but this movie gets at the details of how a job can destroy you in ways that add up until you can't even explain them.

3. Promising Young Woman (Emerald Fennell)- In her most incendiary and modern role, Carey Mulligan plays Cassie, which is short for Cassandra, that figure doomed to tell truths that no one else believes. The web-belted boogeyman who ruined her life is Al, short for Alexander, another Greek who is known for his conquests. The revenge story being told here--funny in its darkest moments, dark in its funniest moments--is tight on its surface levels, but it feels as if it's telling a story more archetypal and expansive than that too.

  An exciting feature debut for its writer-director Emerald Fennell, the film goes wherever it dares. Its hero has a clear purpose, and it's not surprising that the script is willing to extinguish her anger halfway through. What is surprising is the way it renews and muddies her purpose as she comes into contact with half-a-dozen brilliant one- or two-scene performances. (Do you think Alfred Molina can pull off a lawyer who hates himself so much that he can't sleep? You would be right.)

Promising Young Woman delivers as an interrogation of double standards and rape culture, but in quiet ways it's also about our outsized trust in professionals and the notion that some trauma cannot be overcome.

INSTANT CLASSICS

2. Soul (Pete Docter)- When Pete Docter's Up came out, it represented a sort of coronation for Pixar: This was the one that adults could like unabashedly. The one with wordless sequences and dead children and Ed Asner in the lead. But watching it again this week with my daughter, I was surprised by how high-concept and cloying it could be. We choose not to remember the middle part with the goofy dog stuff.

Soul is what Up was supposed to be: honest, mature, stirring. And I don't mean to imply that a family film shouldn't make any concessions to children. But Soul, down to the title, never compromises its own ambition. Besides Coco, it's probably the most credible character study that Pixar has ever made, with all of Joe's growth earned the hard way. Besides Inside Out, it's probably the wittiest comedy that Pixar has ever made, bursting with unforced energy.

There's a twitter fascination going around about Dez, the pigeon-figured barber character whose scene has people gushing, "Crush my windpipe, king" or whatever. Maybe that's what twitter does now, but no one fantasized about any characters in Up. And I count that as progress.

1. I’m Thinking of Ending Things (Charlie Kaufman)- After hearing that our name-shifting protagonist moonlights as an artist, a no-nonsense David Thewlis offers, "I hope you're not an abstract artist." He prefers "paintings that look like photographs" over non-representational mumbo-jumbo. And as Jessie Buckley squirms to try to think of a polite way to talk back, you can tell that Charlie Kaufman has been in the crosshairs of this same conversation. This morose, scary, inscrutable, expressionist rumination is not what the Netflix description says it is at all, and it's going to bother nice people looking for a fun night in. Thank God.

The story goes that Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, when constructing Raiders of the Lost Ark, sought to craft a movie that was "only the good parts" with little of the clunky setup that distracted from action. What we have here is a Charlie Kaufman movie with only the Charlie Kaufman moments, less interested than ever before at holding one's hand. The biting humor is here, sometimes aimed at philistines like the David Thewlis character above, sometimes at the niceties that we insist upon. The lonely horror of everyday life is here, in the form of missed calls from oneself or the interruption of an inner monologue. Of course, communicating the overwhelming crush of time, both unknowable and familiar, is the raison d'etre.

A new pet motif seems to be the way that we don't even own our own knowledge. The Young Woman recites "Bonedog" by Eva H.D., which she claims/thinks she wrote, only to find Jake's book open to that page, next to a Pauline Kael book that contains a Woman Under the Influence review that she seems to have internalized later. When Jake muses about Wordsworth's "Lucy Poems," it starts as a way to pass the time, then it becomes a way to lord his education over her, then it becomes a compliment because the subject resembles her, then it becomes a way to let her know that, in the grand scheme of things, she isn't that special at all. This film jerks the viewer through a similar wintry cycle and leaves him with his own thoughts. It's not a pretty picture, but it doesn't look like anything else.

[springwritess]

Hi so um I just lost someone in my family and I was wondering if you do some hcs for Law and Zoro comforting their so.

anime: one piece

dedicated to: @a-bi-who-just-wants-sweaters

note: im sorry for your loss. if you want to talk to anyone about it, my DMs are open. you don’t have to go through this alone. your feelings matter. i also decided to do all the strawhats and law

***

Luffy:

Luffy tends to be a bright, simple minded person. He takes things at face value and usually isn’t serious. However, he genuinely does care about his crewmates - which includes you. As Rayleigh described, Luffy has a special type of observation haki. It allows him to understand the emotions of others. He was the first person to notice your grief.

Luffy is a man of action. The way he’ll try to help you cope by giving the space you need, or the physical affection you need. It depends on what you’re feeling that day. He understands how difficult it is to loose a family member, and how these things take time. If you’re not feeling particularly bright or happy on some days, he’ll try his best not to annoy you. If you’re looking for a hug or a shoulder to cry on, Luffy will offer it to you. He’ll even give you his strawhat and place it on your head. It’s special to him, and so are you to him. It’s his way of showing everything will be okay.

If you’re feeling particularly bad on a day, he might come into your room and see if there’s anything he can do. He’ll try to make you food or give you something to cheer you up. Luffy might try to make jokes (such as making silly faces) to get you to laugh. If it isn’t working, he’ll sit there with you. If you want to talk, that’s fine. If you don’t, that’s also fine. He won’t pry.

There are also days where Luffy is also feeling particularly blue, whenever he thinks about Ace. On those days, he may come and talk about the horrors he faced during Impel Down, or the war he had to go through. On those days, you’ll open up and talk about your family member. You’ll be there for each other, and help each other cope and find ways to push through in life.

Zoro:

Zoro is someone who’s quiet and is not the best at showing his concern for others through his actions. He shows his concern and care for his crewmates (you included) by little things. Checking to see if they’re okay, protecting them in battle and staying close to them. He’s not the type to voice his love and care for his crewmates.

Zoro would check up on you every now and then. He would keep his space, because he knows having too many people check up on you can be overwhelming. He would ask Chopper if you’re doing any better mentally. He would also ask Sanji if you’ve been skipping any meals.

The times he would check up on you would be at night. Zoro doesn’t seem much. He usually gets about 3-4 hours of sleep a night, and take naps throughout the day. If he realizes you’re up and wondering about the ship, he might talk to you and see if you’re doing any better. Whether you talk to him a lot or a little, he’ll still stay and listen to you.

Sometimes, he may ask you to join him while he’s working out. You’ll stay with him, whether that means you’ll work out or not. It’ll comfort you just having him close by. Whenever you do choose to excercise, it’ll be relieving. It takes your mind off things, and it greatly improves your mood.

Nami:

Nami will be one of the first people to realize there’s something wrong. She’ll see you one night silently crying to yourself. She’ll come up to you and see what’s wrong. She’ll sit you down and try to talk to you. She’ll comfort you, whether it’s through her words, giving you a hug or just sitting there with you. Nami understands grief takes time, she’ll be there with you 100% along the way.

Nami is one of the first people you’ll go to whenever you feel like talking about your family member. She’ll sit there and listen to you talk about them for hours. Sometimes, she’ll share stories of Bellemare.

You have your tasks and duties on the ship. Sometimes, it’s difficult for you to be able to fulfill your role of being a strawhat. Nami will make sure everything goes along smoothly whenever you need to sit down and be by yourself. She’ll assign everyone orders, and they’ll happily do your job if it means letting you feel better.

She’ll also check up on you now and then, like a big sister. She’ll ask Sanji if you’re eating. She’ll ask Chopper if you’re feeling any better emotionally. If you aren’t doing those things, she’ll come and talk to you. She’ll gently remind you that eating healthy is important. She’ll also remind you that everyone is there for you. You can talk when you’re ready.

Usopp:

Unlike Nami, Usopp isn’t as perceptive when it comes to learning about the feelings of others on the crew. It might take him awhile to notice the little things, like how you look tired all the time, or how you’re overeating/not eating at all during meals. He’ll still try to be there for you however

Usopp understands the pain of losing a close family member too well. He lost his mother at a young age. He’ll try to talk to you about how you feel, and give you some of his own personal experiences. He may sit closer to you during meals.

When the crew is fooling around and playing games, he’ll make sure you’re always there. He’ll want you to have a good time, so he’ll make sure you’re included. By doing this, Usopp wants to remind you that you’re not alone. The crew cares about you so much.

Sanji:

Sanji is emotionally perceptive, and he’ll realize right away something bad happened to you. He starts to notice you’re skipping meals and spending less time with the crew. You would always have a blank look on your face, staring out to see. His first instinct would be to rush over to you and see if you’re sick, or if anything is wrong. You’d brush him off, and say everything is fine. You would explain to him you’re just tired. This would happen frequently. Eventually, Sanji would give you space. He doesn’t want to pressure you into telling him anything.

Sanji would instead focus on making sure you’re eating enough, and eating the right foods. He’ll bring food to your room if you don’t come down during a meal. He’ll make you small healthy snacks throughout the day too. He’ll focus on what he’s capable on, which is your eating habits. If you have trouble sleeping at night, he’ll make you tea. He’ll make sure there’s always a cup of tea waiting for you every night before he heads to bed. When he’s on night watch, he’ll leave a kettle on the stove for you.

If you do choose to tell him what happens, he’ll be 100% willing to listen. He’ll drop whatever he’s doing to hear you talk. He won’t interrupt you, or become emotional, or try to offer you any advice. Despite acting like an idiot sometimes, Sanji is emotionally smart. He knows that he can’t solve anything, or that advice won’t always help. He’ll sit there and listen patiently.

Sanji may invite you into the kitchen to watch him cook if you’re sitting by yourself some days. He’ll make jokes, and talk about things to cheer you up. You’ll help him set and clear the table, which makes you feel much better.

Chopper:

Despite being the doctor of the crew, Chopper is quite naive. He isn’t as good as noticing things as the other crewmates. Chopper would have no idea anything is upsetting you, until you bring it up to him one day. He would be fooling around with Luffy and Usopp, and you would ask him if you’d like a checkup. He’ll take you to do one.

You’ll first ask him about his stance on mental health, and how important he thinks it is. He’ll explain to you, that your mental and emotional health is just as important as your physical health. You’ll bring up your family member who recently passed away, and how difficult it’s been for you.

You would see Chopper every week about how you’re feeling. Chopper would remain calm, and won’t pry for details. He’ll listen to everything you say, and may even take notes. He would become your therapist in a way. Everything you tell him, he would keep a secret. He doesn’t want to loose your trust.

Robin:

Similar to the other strawhats, Robin also had an extremely difficult life. Her home island was destroyed when she was just a child. She lost her mom at a young age and lived a life on the run for twenty years. It’s difficult for her to open up, and she still struggles with it till this day. She’ll understand that you’ll need time to process what happened. She won’t talk to you about it, or ever bring it up to you.

She may recommend a book for you to read, to help you make you feel better. She’ll make you a cup of tea too whenever she’s going to read her book. You’ll find yourself often reading with Robin side by side. It’s a great stress-reliever for the both of you.

If you ever do choose to open up to Robin, she’ll listen to everything you say. She may give you words of advice, or offer you words of comfort. She’ll almost act like your mom in a way afterwards.

Franky:

Franky may act like an idiot sometimes, but he does have rare times when he acts mature. These are times where a crew member needs his help, or if he needs to step up and do his job as a strawhat. This is one of those times.

It’ll take him a bit of time however to notice that something is wrong. Similar to Robin, he won’t pressure you to say anything to him. He’ll just do what he’s capable of. He may offer you a cola drink once in awhile. It makes him feel better, so he’ll try to give you one I’m hopes of making you feel better

Franky may ask you to try out some of the cool inventions he’s working on. He may even invite you to his workshop, where you’ll watch and try to help him out. It’ll just be small things, such as handing him a tool or trying to tighten a screw. You’ll start to bond with Franky from here on out.

Brook:

Brook understands the pain of losing someone close to you. He lost his friends before his eyes and had to live around their dead bodies for decades. He’ll be extremely mature when it comes to try and helping you through these difficult times.

Brook copes through music. Expect him to play various pieces for you every day, some happy and some sad. Many will give you the feeling of happiness and peace. His music will bring back many memories of your deceased family member. Some days you’ll listen to his music and just cry.

Brook will also give you music tapes to listen to in your room. They all be songs he written and performed himself. You’ll find yourself often in your room, listening to music and reminiscing about your family member.

Trafalgar Law:

Law may seem like a cold, calm and collected individual. He can even be ruthless at times. He tends to keep to himself and doesn’t find himself having many friends. He does however, deeply care about his crew. He’s not the best at showing his affection towards them, but he does genuinely does care about them. He cares about you.

Law will realize immediately that something happened. He’ll assume you’re sick or injured, but it’ll turn out that’s not the case. He’ll ask you about it. If you’re not comfortable opening up and sharing yet, it’ll frustrate him. He wants to help you, but he wouldn’t know what’s bothering you. If you do tell him early on, it’ll shock him. He’ll stay calm however, and try to help you feel better as much as he can.

Similar to Chopper, he’ll check up on you every week. He’ll ask you how you’re feeling and other questions. He won’t pry, and you’ll tell him as much as you’re comfortable telling him. He’ll write down everything you say. He’ll become your therapist in a way too.

Law isn’t the best at expressing his affection and care towards his crew, so he’ll ask the others to do so. He’ll tell them to remind you in both subtle and grand ways that everyone cares. Expect lots of hugs from Bepo. Your other crewmates will try to spend more time with you.

Law will also give you space. He understands that some days you need time by yourself. Law also has days where he needs his own space. If you’re feeling particularly bad on one day, Law won’t bother you. He won’t force you to complete your tasks on the crew and will ask the others to do them instead. He may complete them if nobody else can.

At the end of the day, all your crewmates care about you. They want to remind you that you’re not alone. That it’s okay to be sad. That it’s okay to cry. That it’s okay to have bad days. They all express their love and care for you, each in their own way.

You are not alone.

[ofregiums]

silence ! raise the royal standard, for the princess of belgium, CHARLOTTE VAN LEUVEN, has arrived. being twenty-eight years old, she is second in line to the throne. many around the court call her the lost soul by virtue of her being benevolent and imaginative, while also being evasive and fragile.  — played by sarah gadon.

— THE BASICS

full name: charlotte katelijne van leuven  known in history as: the pearl of belgium date of birth: december 1st age: twenty-eight star sign: sagittarius profession: artist ( modern verse ) / princess of belgium, princess of spain ( canon verse ) loyalty: house van leuven, house de trastamara alignment: neutral good mbti: esfp spoken languages: dutch ( first ), english ( fluent ), spanish ( fluent ), italian ( intermediate ), french ( intermediate ) mother’s name: anaïs van leuven father’s name: frédéric johann van leuven ( deceased in canon ) siblings, if any: frédéric van leuven ( deceased in canon ), gérard van leuven ( deceased in canon ), florian van leuven children: celeste de trastamara van leuven-darcy, georgina darcy, rory darcy, anaïs darcy height: 5′3″ hair colour: blonde eye colour: blue

— CANON VERSE

charlotte emerged in life as quiet as a mouse, scaring the poor queen for a moment that a stillbirth had occurred. however, the midwife took one good look at her -- her flushed porcelain cheeks, her alert cerulean eyes -- and was surprised to see that the dear little princess was smiling instead.

she was swiftly adorned “the pearl of belgium”, not only because she was the first girl of the van leuven heirs, but also because her infectious smile and seemingly impossible beauty endeared her to the court and the citizens as she grew. charlotte was a darling child: very happy and kind to all. it did not matter if you were a visiting duke or a poor merchant on the side of the street, the little princess greeted everyone with a sweet smile and positive words. 

because of her loving ( but incredibly naive ) nature, charlotte was heavily protected by her parents and her three older brothers. family means the absolute world to her and she had the privilege of growing up in a healthy, loving one. she adores every single member in her family but since she was a little girl, there has always been a special place in her heart for the sibling closest in age to her -- florian.

at the age of sixteen, a betrothal was arranged between the kings of belgium and spain: the union between charlotte and the heir of spain. this would one day make her the queen of spain, an incredibly beneficial match indeed. happy to do her duty, charlotte wedded adolfo at seventeen with a big smile on her face. they may not have known one another extremely well but she had all intent to get to know him so that they may have the happiest of marriages.

charlotte left behind her life in belgium immediately after the wedding, tearfully saying goodbye to her beloved parents and leaving behind thick letters for her dear brothers who were bravely fighting in the war. however, life in spain took a turn that the princess could have hardly expected. the newly-weds clashed horrendously as adolfo was everything charlotte was not. he was childish, loud, and hedonistic -- a complete shock to her mature, soft, and selfless nature. he took mistresses shamelessly and often silenced charlotte with harsh words or the occasional slap to the face. still, despite his ways, charlotte stood by her duty as a wife and tried to love him.

her solace through the horrendous marriage were the friendships that helped to keep her afloat. people such as isandro, isabela, and catalina were among the few that she felt utterly safe around and provided bright spots in the otherwise darkness charlotte found herself in.

throughout her marriage, she has been pregnant four times: one stillbirth and three miscarriages. though physicians from all around simply labeled charlotte as barren, the loss of the children can predominantly be explained by the amount of stress she was placed under. soon enough, adolfo would be king and she needed to produce an heir for her husband and for spain. the inability to have a child broke her heart ; her one greatest joy would be to be a mother. charlotte began to fear that she was cursed.

another reason for her infertility could possibly be grief. only two times during her marriage did charlotte return home to belgium and that was unfortunately for the worst circumstances -- the funeral of her father, then her second brother gérard. 

a couple of years after those losses, her husband fell ill. it all seemed very ( and suspiciously ) sudden. a few weeks later, adolfo was dead. by the end, charlotte did not love that monster. how could she ? still, it was another death to add to the ever-growing pile of people that were in her life.

with no place any longer in spain, charlotte was packing up to return to her family in belgium. however, there was one hitch in that plan -- a month after her husband’s funeral, she discovered she was nearly four months pregnant. once the royal family caught wind, they halted charlotte’s return trip in case she gave birth to a son. an heir. 

charlotte could only view that time as a glorified hostage. she ached for home, though she was careful not to express that so heavily in her letters to her brothers. the last thing she desired was for them to invade spain in honor of returning their lost princess. instead, she claimed that it was simply too dangerous to travel. during this time, she feared especially for adolfo’s sister, the apparent new heir. the future queen wanted charlotte and the baby dead, not wanting any blood of adolfo’s to threaten her new claim.

charlotte gave birth to celeste and it was the utterly happiest day of her life. but that happiness was marred by the fact that she no longer felt safe in spain. with her dear friend isandro’s help, charlotte packed up her most personal belongings and fled with her infant daughter back to belgium. finally, she was safe.

then, she lost her eldest brother. through frédéric’s funeral and florian’s rushed coronation, charlotte clung to celeste in those times of great distress. while she was relieved that she could be close to her final brother and assist him during this new transition, the amount of loss that she endured felt utterly unbearable. but she swallowed that all aside in lieu of focusing on helping celeste grow and accompanying florian to bern.

after nearly a year and many dangers in bern, charlotte and celeste returned back to belgium with florian. her life changed drastically one random day when she took celeste to the countryside to get away from court for the day and came upon a half-dead and starving eli. flooded with sympathy and worry, she insisted he be taken back to court to be fed and taken care of. she found herself very protective of him from the very beginning, especially when everyone else is so suspicious of his motives. 

now, versailles calls. and charlotte is reluctant to heed to it, knowing that the very new queen of spain will likely be in attendance. the thought of seeing her dear friends that she had not seen in some time is the one thing that allows the princess to feel any semblance of hope. so with her now toddler daughter in tow, she -- yet again -- follows her duty.

— MODERN VERSE

born in brussels, belgium to a regional financial manager and world-renowned journalist, charlotte had quite the privileged upbringing in a large family of six. the house was filled with warmth and laughter and she never wanted for anything. 

growing up, she was a bit more naive to how the world worked. she was super sheltered, you see, especially by her father and three older brothers. they figured out the world for her and held out their hands so that charlotte could be guided.

she loved art from an early age. what simply started as silly drawings that she brought home from school escalated into a full-on passion. her parents put her in after-school art lessons to hone her craft.

after graduation, charlotte braved the homesickness to go to the states to study visual art at brown university. she happily got to explore a new place and work on her craft. she even adopted a pitbull puppy named maisie during her final year. truthfully, what more could she ask for ? 

once university was complete, charlotte made the choice not to remain in the states. instead, she moved to london where her favorite brother florian had already moved in his adulthood. once she settled there, she began working as commissioned artist as well as making pieces to sell at art galleries. over time, her clientele began to grow bigger and richer.

she met adolfo at a friend’s birthday party and pretty much fell in love with him on sight. he was handsome and charming, and charlotte really thought that she had found the one. the two began dating and despite the occasional rocky patch, the two seemed really in love. right ? wrong. 

after about a year and half of dating, charlotte learned that she was expecting. while she wasn’t expecting adolfo to immediately drop down on one knee, she certainly hadn’t expected what actually happened -- him leaving. adolfo’s harsh goodbye broke charlotte’s heart into a million little pieces, but the gift in that mess was the birth of her daughter celeste.

things were hard for charlotte emotionally at first. thankfully during her final trimester and first few months as a single mother, she stayed with her brother and sister-in-law who happily helped her out in any way possible. there are days when charlotte wants to break down but all she has to do is take a look at her baby and remember why she would do anything for her.

a couple of months after celeste was born, charlotte started getting back on her feet. she got a new flat, adopted another puppy ( ares, a husky ), and dived back into her art. things were on the upswing after much turmoil.

one day, charlotte met eli while she was walking the dogs and celeste around the neighborhood. ares broke free and ran across the street, maisie eagerly following and in a moment of panic, she asked eli – a complete stranger – to hold baby celeste so she could chase after the dogs. once she wrangled them back, a flustered charlotte thanked the man. and to her surprise, he asked her to coffee. it’s only blossomed from there.

now, charlotte lives the life that she sort of always imagined for herself. she’s grateful to be surrounded by her family and in a healthy relationship where she only grows more and more in love every day. it may not be a fairytale ending that she imagined as a little girl -- she wasn’t a princess, after all. but it was sweet and it was hers and that made it perfect.

[kaaras-adaar-a]

𝑪𝑯𝑨𝑹𝑨𝑪𝑻𝑬𝑹 𝑺𝑯𝑬𝑬𝑻

repost, don’t reblog !

𝐛𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐬 !

full name.  Kaaras Taashath Adaar pronunciation.  (honestly we all pronounce it with different accents so... however you like! Kaaras’ mother rolls the r in his name, whilst Kaaras pronounces his own name rather plainly as he got used to keeping it simple for humans when he was young, and his accent is Fereldan unlike his parents’ :’D) nicknames.  Adaar, Herald, Worship, Captain, Inquisitor, Farmboy  height.   6′7. age.  29 at Haven zodiac.  Sagittarius  languages.  Common tongue (first language), Qunlat (second language/intermediate).

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS.

hair colour.    Butterscotch blonde eye colour.   Red with orange freckles and a black rim around the iris  skin tone.    Pale grey body type.    Endomorph accent.    Fereldan dominant hand.  Right posture.    Excellent tattoos.   N/A most noticeable features.   Horns, skin tone, height, long ears, general qunari features.

CHILDHOOD.

place of birth.   Starkhaven hometown.   Southron Hills, Ferelden. birth weight / height.  Underweight and small for a qunari. first words.   Probably mumma or something along the lines of.  siblings.  Aith (adopted younger sister), Talan’ash (older half-brother), multiple unnamed siblings under the Qun. parents.   Aban Adaar (mother--alive and well), Anaan Adaar (father--deceased)  parental involvement.  Kaaras lost his father when he was 12 years old. Before then, his parents were very loving and caring and always a massive support for Kaaras as a growing child. His mother continued to be supportive of Kaaras as a growing man. After his father died, their relationship did become a bit strained considering Kaaras blamed himself and felt guilt every time he looked at his mother, but their relationship has since healed. They love each other very dearly, despite his mother being quite a helicopter at times... 

ADULT LIFE

occupation.  Farmer, mercenary, mercenary captain, Inquisitor.  current residence.    Skyhold, Ferelden (the farm) and he has a place in Starkhaven for his mercenary company.  close friends.   His company, DA:I companions, his family.  relationship status.   verse dependent (in game marries Iron Bull) financial status.   Kaaras grew up poor, however, as a mercenary, he made a very good living for himself. I’d say he’s middle class, however as Inquisitor he is upper class.  criminal record.   Kaaras has been falsely accused of crimes but they were sorted out and his record cleared. He’s also killed in self defence during his time as Inquisitor.

SEX & ROMANCE.

sexual orientation.    Pansexual  romantic orientation.    Panromantic  preferred emotional role.  submissive | dominant | switch | unsure preferred sexual role.  submissive |  dominant  |  switch |  sex repulsed libido.  High turn on’s.   Passion, touch, kissing, teasing, mild dirty talk, romance, manhandling him turn off’s.    Bad hygiene, clinginess, abusive behaviour, demeaning, slavery.  love language.  Physical touch, support, spending time together. relationship tendencies.   Kaaras is very serious about getting into a relationship, he wants to be 100% sure, which is why he can be a bit slow in admitting his feelings for someone out loud. He is very devoted and loyal, and will support his lover along the way. He is encouraging and compassionate. When in a new relationship, he tends to give his partner a lot of his time as he wishes to show his commitment to them, he is exceptionally physical, wanting to touch his lover emotionally, platonically and sexually. Kaaras generally falls pretty damn hard as well, he’s easy to crush, but once he’s in love, it’s pretty much for life unless his partner changes into someone he no longer recognises (which has happened before). In this side of Kaaras, you will see how silly and romantic he can be, but also how much he opens up and grows sexually as well. He wants to explore with his partner, and he often simply likes to watch them. 

MISCELLANEOUS.

character’s theme song.    I have two main ones A Good Heart (Feargal Sharkey) and The Chosen Ones (Dream Evil)  hobbies to pass the time.   Reading, meditating, training, sparring, horse riding, spending time with friends, woodworks.  mental illnesses.   OCD, PTSD, depression (recovered) physical illnesses.   PSAS (persistent sexual arousal syndrome), lactose intolerance, alcoholic (recovering) left or right brained.   Left brained. fears.   Failure, loss of control, losing loved ones.  self confidence level.  Mentally, Kaaras is very self aware and pretty confident in his duties and work. Personal life, he’s not as confident. When it comes to his looks, he suffers a lot of insecurities. Sexually, he’s very insecure and it takes a long time for him to be more confident with someone. Kaaras is a very determined individual, though, so he pushes through his insecurities to get an end goal.  vulnerabilities. Kaaras can be proud and have a rather moral high ground at times, if people insult his worth or his duty, he will not take i kindly. If people criticise him, he can also become cranky. He’s all for learning, but he’s also a perfectionist, so it’s insulting to him, although it’s mostly he’s annoyed with HIMSELF, not the other person. He takes criticism personally, especially depending on WHO it’s from. If it’s someone he trusts, he values their opinions and will take them to heart. He’s sensitive, but this is also why he values honesty, because he wants to better himself. So... don’t be afraid to criticise him, so long as it’s done kindly. He also wants to fit in somewhere because he’s never felt like he could. Always too qunari to be human, and too human to be truly qunari. He desperately wants to feel like he belongs somewhere, and the Inquisition definitely helped him find that purpose and feeling. His OCD also makes him quite vulnerable in moments of stress and anxiety, but he’s learned to manage that rather well over the years. 

tagged by:   Stole from @lathal​ tagging: you!!

[sacredtempest]

Janna AU Masterlist

There’s a lot but it’s organized ^-^

Sacred Sword 

The guardian of an ancient relic said to grant immortality and godhood, Janna constantly travels to prevent the Sacred Sword from falling into the hands of the power hungry and greedy. Appearing as a giant woman wrapped in delicate silks, Janna can be an awe-inspiring and somewhat intimidating sight. She radiates calm and serenity, feelings she is happy to share with anyone despite the threat to her duties, but beneath that calm demeanor is a very cheerful and mischievous spirit. Those who personally know her will find her to be somewhat silly.

General

-Former wind elemental

-Bound to the Sacred Sword as its Guardian; is kinda sad about the loss of freedom but accepts it.

-Generally a fun-loving and earnest person, if a bit silly. 

Bewitching Verse

Beware the mischievous spirits of the bewitching season! Janna is a fickle, fun-loving, and tricksy witch, calling the sky and wind her domain. While her temper is nothing to scoff at, she is easily appeased with the promise of tricks or treats, so long as she gets a laugh out of it. 

General

-Is a True Witch as an incarnation of magic

-Would rather play a trick than be serious

-Likes to offer gifts that almost always has a catch

-Fae-like behavior

-Has a bat-winged cat familiar that will gleefully bite you

-Has a very willful broom that often gets her into trouble

Star Guardian Verse

to be written

Odyssey Verse

A young and very lost Templar, Janna does all she can to hide her connection to ora amidst a chaotic galaxy. The Templar Order scattered before her training was completed, Janna seeks out any remnant of the Templars she can find, all the while terrified of the forces that hunt for those like her. 

General

-Janna has an instinctual connection to Ora but is untrained.

-She needs to feel safe but is too cautious about trusting others, which has left her with only tenuous connections and allies.

-She feels vulnerable. She doesn’t know much about the details behind the Templar Order’s destruction only a bone deep fear of exposure.

-When relaxed, she is a very kind and earnest young woman, quick to laughter and gentleness. 

Program Verse

Originally created by a brilliant but desperate citizen as a way to clear the choking pollution and smoke from the air, Program Janna was acquired when the Program Research Division approached the young inventor with an opening. Not much was heard of the unnamed youth afterwards, but soon several Janna units were distributed among the more smog-choked cities. Jannas provide clean air and even healing services to citizens both organic and synthetic, uplifting morale and providing a calm and welcoming atmosphere among the cities they are stationed in. The Original Janna continues to function, though it was upgraded both in terms of materials and appearance. Her creator’s code still powers many of her functions, creating an uneasy counter-voice to Program’s upgraded software. 

General

-She is the original Janna unit, created by a young inventor determined to provide breathable air to their home. 

-She received many upgrades when she was acquired by Program but still retains her base AI code with only a few modifications. 

-Program has successfully coded her with its secret orders and particular ways of assessing the world and its inhabitants. However, her creator’s dream was to bring back hope and freedom from the government’s ‘help’. Janna’s AI can’t help but struggle between these conflicting mindsets. 

Modern Verse

Janna has always dreamed of flying and the thrill of free fall is an enticing way of fulfilling those dreams. Her mother enrolled her in gymnastics at a young age, hoping to channel some of Janna’s more heart-stopping urges into something refined and safer. While studying at university, Janna was introduced to free running and stunts. It was the exhilarating work of a moment to incorporate her gymnastics background and she’s become known for crazy stunts. She seeks to expand her reportoire of skills and experiences, bouncing from extreme sport to extreme sport in an effort to chase that thrill. Once a friend suggested filming her exploits, Janna has become known as ‘Janna Windforce’ and can be found doing any number of death-defying stunts. 

General

-Age: 26

-Height: 5'7"

-Family: Only child of a single mom

-Occupation: Adrenaline Seeker/Extreme Sports performer

-Sexuality: Pansexual 

-Janna is willing to try just about anything so long as it gives her the burst of adrenaline she loves.

-She has a bird named Zephyr that goes wherever she goes. The little blue and white parakeet will cuddle up to Janna while simultaneously screeching and cussing and anyone he dislikes...which is pretty much anyone not Janna. She won’t say where he learned such language. 

[hiphopguerrilla]

Pro Sasuke Uchiha : Constructive Criticism of Kishimoto’s Antagonist

Disclaimer: I am not a critic. To anyone that disagrees, my humble opinion doesn’t count for anything because I’m just some loser in his mom’s basement as far as you’re concerned. I’m little more than a disappointed fan. Thank you for reading if you’ve go this far. Hope you can read the rest with objective consideration and without bias. This will be a long rant, you’ve been forewarned.

So I’ve been on a spree of criticism of Kishi’s work. Cannot help being criticil of an Artist/Writer who has let me down just as many times as he/she has inspired me. So because he let me down he has inspired me to write about some of the things I’m very critical of because I have no closure from the series and I can’t help but feel “Next Generation”  wasn’t about love for writing the story anymore.

In the beginning of the series Sasuke isn’t yet the antagonist, but it’s clear Kishi intended the to of them to be rivals while building what was supposed to be, and in many ways, is a story of incredible bonds and friendship. It was clear he had a motivation behind what he wanted to do as far as the character developing into and I see, it seems anyway, that he deviated from that. 

By the early stages of the character development it is established through Sasuke’s monolgue to Sakura “I am an avenger” that he never stopped grieving the loss of his clan and family and that he wanted the same closure fans never got. He said to Kakashi “I will restore my clan” and while I’m certain this isn’t meant to be taken literally he wanted to do right by their memory. 

Understanding that he didn’t just lose his family, he was literally tortured at the age of 8(forced to endure something that had Kakashi bed ridden for a week), he lost connection to his heritage(remember Madara is one of the founding members of the village yet Sasuke had no clue who he was), he lost his idol in Itachi and was forced to deal with a damaged psyche that no one could really repair Itachi drilling in his head that he was some sort of coward. He has both an inferiority complex and a superiority complex because of the standard the Clan is held to. Rather than knowing what is and isn’t true with his parents to guide him through his mess of a life.

What’s disappointing is by the end of the series that wasn’t the main take away from his character. Why? Because the development of his character was stifled by Naruto. Yes, I’m talking about the main character of the story. It’s very relevant to know and understand that Kishi didn’t take time to develop many of the characters in the story. Tenten, Hinata, Lee to an extent, Ino, Choji, Kiba, and Shino among others I may even be forgetting because....yea its obvious.

So to the point. Naruto borders on being a gary stu because, seemingly, Kishi was more partial to him than anyone Sasuke included. That’s not to say Sasuke didn’t get charcter development, just he didn’t develop in a way that was understandable to the majority of fans.

As I was saying about the end of the story none of this is understood. Worst part being that Itachi overshadows Sasuke’s character in a way that is completely disrespectful to fans who had great insterest in the development of him as Sasuke’s antagonist. I do not in anyway disagree with the choice to make Itachi remain his loving brother, who made a difficult choice for the good of the village and the one he cared for the most, but to be honest the logic that comes out of Itachi’s choice and reasoning by fans loving him so yet having great disdain for Sasuke as describe: Whiny, emo, ungrateful, selfish, among other things is a fallacy. Most of those things are inaccurate as well hypocritical to praise Itachi at the same time. 

Firstly lest start with him being ungrateful or selfish. It was immediately after the death of his clan, that this clearly life altering even influenced him to decide without doubt that he would devote his life to seeing JUSTICE for what happened then. This is how the story STARTED, please understand that it wasn’t until part 2 that this turns into full blown revenge and blind hatred in a completely hypocritical manner that made fans who already disliked Sasuke absolutely loathe him. I’ll say again this is merely so Naruto could play hero and save his soul(see there I’m getting irritated thinking about this already).

If you have a goal like becoming Hokage, or President of the United States, or First Pick in the NFL draft, or becoming head Medic nin, whatever real life or fictional you know that you can’t just decide to give it up because people say it is Irrational. Sasuke’s ultimate goal was to avenge his family. That meant he had to become strong enough to defeat Itachi, which meant sacrifices must be made.

What did he sacrifice. A normal childhood, his friendships, and the closest thing he had to a family since his blood relatives died. Yet Sasuke is selfish? Sacrificing your frienships and chance at a normal life in favor of a decision you made at 8 years old because of the family you LOVED is probably the most selfless thing a person can do. I often see people compare him to both Kakashi, and Naurto in these cases to justify loathing his character and making silly memes to ridicule him.

Kakashi couldn’t get revenge on anyone, seeing as how his only family commit suicide, The White Fang was not murdered/slaughtered. As far as Rin and Obito, they died in the line of duty they weren’t killed simply because some evil bastard(as far as Sasuke knew) wanted to “Test my power.” 

Naruto, had no connection to his family until Jiraiya and also had no concept of vengence until Jiraiya died, and If we are really to give credit where its due, the only reason he chooses not to avenge him is 1. Because it would go agaisnt his Masters wishes 2. Because he see the weight Sasuke’s had to carry and wants to free his friend from that pain. He can’t do that if he chooses to walk a path that was not his. 

Another thing that Kishi made very clear was that was the point. Sasuke was at his best when he was written as a character that manifests his own reality, and walks his own path without regret. Let’s not forgot that Fugaku is nothing like Jiraiya. He didn’t raise Sasuke to aim for peace or anything like that, in fact, one of the Uchiha’s rules is that they don’t take prisoners. Yet another reason Sasuke took it upon himself to kill Itachi, it was his duty.

Then of course, yes I’m about to go there you’ve been wared, there’s the SasuSaku thing. Why? Just why? This relationship, was never called for from the get go. Another reason so many Americans are so messed up that they don’t understand the difference between true love and infatuation. Where does Sakura’s “love” begin, where does Sasuke’s more importantly? Was that established with any certainty?

In the beginning the bulk off their interaction consisted with Sasuke ignoring her and calling her annoying. The nicest thing he says to her the entire series is “Thank you.” seriously? Not “I’ll miss you.” not  “I care for you...deeply” but “Thank you.” Thats like something you say when someone passes the salt at the dinner table.

What is their connection? I refuse to bring up other pairs because is about Sasuke development as a character not SasuSaku. Sakura does nothing but follow Sasuke around like a love sick puppy and by the end of the series, it somehow pays off and while it may feel like a win for fans of that pair, to me as a fan of the overall series and writing that makes sense even in a fictional world where characters have superpowers. There should be some logic there at least. 

What we know at the start of part one is Sakura is a 12 year old girl with a crush on the most popular boy in school. Hilarious, that’s the foundation of this pairing, never in part one and hardly anything in the series at all does it explain where these “romantic” feelings developed. It least we know why Hinata admires Naruto (sorry nothing more on NaruHina,another time perhaps). 

And Sasuke never shows any affection to her what so ever besides “Thank you.” of course and gently lying her on the park bench. Don’t think I don’t notice the SasuSaku moments either. Like when he was about to break both of Zaku’s arms and Sakura hugs him. Probably as close ot romance as it gets and Sasuke is being hugged from behind. He doesn’t initiate the hug and he doesn’t hug her back, he stands there suprised at probably the first time he’s been hugged since his mother was murdered.

Understand this, if you take that as a sign Sasuke felt the same, fine. That is absolutely acceptable, even understandable. However, for me, that is a bit half assed. It’s really not much to go on over the course of 700 chapters to say they “fell in love”. Because to me love does not equate to trying to force someone to notice you for two years, having attempts at affection met with disdain and even physical assault, like when he slaps the apples she spent so much time carving out of her hands as she visited him and tried to feed him at the hospital. 

I’m sure I don’t have to mention the actual attempted murder at the summit to anybody so that’s all I’ll say about it for now. Now back to Sasuke’s overall story as I prepare to close. The summit was probably the biggest chance to turn Sasuke into an admirable character in fans eyes. 

Instead what Kishi does is comepletely wreck his character, so he can be the antagonist and be saved by Naruto. There’s even this little comparison by Karin where she see’s how evil and corrupt Sasuke is, another innocent he tried to kill, and then sees how pure Naruto’s soul is. It was ridiculous. I understand Naruto is the hero of the story, but that never meant Sasuke HAD to be the villain.

He even turns the entire situation with Danzo and his orders to have the Uchiha clan annihilated into a complete mess. Sasuke has gone batshit, and rather than being a person trying to do right by his clan and his brother’s memory, Kishi turns him into this absolute fiend who will murder even his own allies just to make some silly point based on a story told him by a guy who’s real faces he’s never seen even once. A guy who wasn’t even the real Madara Uchiha. As if Sasuke was never strong enough to separate himself from his emotions and what he believes is right. Itachi was already dying and he wanted Sasuke  to kill him as atonement. He killed the uchiha in favor of the leaf why would he want Sasuke to destroy the village.

If he were written properly Sasuke would’ve killed Danzo and walked his own path, facing Naruto one final time and either dying or leaving all of that mess behind. It would’ve been fine for him to return to the village if he there to sow seed and start a new with the Uchiha clan. Instead he's a glorified prize for Sakura and Sasusaku fans, as well as someone Naruto basically stalked for 2 years just to force him to not even be in the picture anyway.

As I said in the beginning, or someone in the middle maybe. Sasuke was at his best when he was written as an independent character walking his own path and sacrificing what mattered most to him in favor of doing right by his people, his family, his clan. I thank anyone who made it to the bottom of this post.

[mondofunnybooks]

'THANOS'S GRANDAUGHTER: GO SUCK EGGS GRANDPA!' DEPT.

'The title means exactly what the words say: NAKED Lunch - a frozen moment where everyone sees exactly what is on the end of every fork.'

-William Burroughs, from the foreword notes for the novel 'Naked Lunch'.

THE GATEKEEPERS!

As may not possibly surprise you lot, we've run afoul of some of the more humourless elements of fandom in our time. This is probably down to the fact that we don't take superhero comics very seriously but are utterly enamoured of some of the more sillier elements of history. True story. We were once told off by a man in Green Lantern fangroup (We were bored.) because we thought that the origin of Kyle Rayner is so nakedly Freudian and 'Will this do?' to be hilarious.

To recap:

On a planet called Oa exists a race of short, bald humanoids with large heads called The Guardians. The Guardians believe in enforcing Order in the universe and go about this by way of selecting the most suitable candidate (called a Green Lantern.) of each sector of the universe to be given a power ring that does whatever the wearer can imagine. This ring had no effect on anything yellow due to a necessary flaw in the design to stop the wearer from having absolute power. Also, it has to be recharged every 24 hours.

Our sector of the universe is 2814, and of the 7200 Lanterns patrolling the universe at any given time, ours was a chap called Hal Jordan. Very strong-willed, very daring. Hal got the ring off an alien called Abin Sur who was on his way to give either him or a ginger bloke with a Moe haircut called Guy. Hal happened to be closer than Guy, so got the ring.

Hal Jordan went onto be a successful Green Lantern for several years but things went terribly wrong when a big yellow space tyrant called Mongul, teaming with a cyborg pretending to be Superman destroyed Hal's home of Coast City, murdering tens of thousands of people and left Hal shattered, feeling he'd failed in his duty as Earth's protector.

The loss of everything Hal cared about sent him insane, and he attempted to resurrect his destroyed home using the power ring, but he could only achieve a replica of what he'd lost and the ring wasn't designed to create that much matter for a presumably infinite period of time. His perceived second failure cemented his full breakdown, and he went on a murderous rampage in order to gather as many Green Lantern rings as possible on the way to returning to Oa is seize the original Green Lantern ring. Things go quite wrong as Hal murders the entire Lantern Corp and all but one of the Guardians: Ganthet.

Ganthet, a wee blue fella cosplaying as Orko off the He-Man cartoons pegs it back to Earth. Once there, he floats to L.A., sees a drunk bloke taking a piss against a wall and gives him the final power ring before sodding off, exclaiming 'The Ring will sort you, mate. No worries.'

A BLUE SPACE MIDGET IN A RED DRESS GIVES A DRUNK LAD ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL WEAPONS IN THE UNIVERSE AND THEN FUCKS OFF IS THE ORIGIN OF KYLE RAYNER, GREEN LANTERN OF EARTH.*

This would be weird as a 1960's comic but at least the DC Editors of the '60s had no idea any of this stuff would be reprinted and pored (Hi, Donald.) over by future generations. Supergirl is having a relationship with a fella who turns into her horse but she doesn't know about it? Fine. There's a space creature from the fifth dimension who has a real thing for winding up Superman every ninety days and can only be stopped by tricking him into saying his name backwards? Gotcha. Batman owns a dog who fights crime but wears a mask on patrol so no one will link Ace The Bat-Hound with Bruce Wayne. Of COURSE. Beppo The Super-Monkey? PRINT IT! Who will care in five years? Who will even remember, right?

Green Lantern 50 (2nd series, 1994) was published post Watchmen, post Dark Knight Returns, post Brat Pack and all of the other silly 'Corporate Superheroes Can Be For Adults' malarkey. We were now aware of subtext, metaphor, aspirational text and either this is a daft attempt at being a mature comic (which given it features a nervous breakdown, genocide, the total psychological breakdown of one of the icons of the DCU and the first example of 'Fridging' quite soon after, it ought to be.) or it's a very bad attempt at pitching a superhero comic at the kids.

The real answer was of course that DC were trying to get attention back they'd lost to the Marvel Superstar period and subsequent formation of Image. Superman grew a mullet, Batman needed a wheelchair and was replaced with a religious nutter wearing Vatican levels of gold, Wonder Woman was replaced with a giant legged redhead, The Flash broke his leg. It was all kicking off.

But we always found the whole Kyle thing hilarious, and when making our usual jokes about it ('Good thing Ganthet didn't run into Richard Pryor!', etc.) we were scolded. It turns out the story had been rewritten a bit as part of something called Green Lantern: Rebirth so it made a bit more sense. Lord knows some of our best friends are comic fans, but when they start quoting the continuity of a DC comic with capitals like they WERE reciting THE Bible and Geoff Johns DID make it GOOD, we get a bit scared.

All that was a recap of 5 comics. (Green Lantern 47-50 and Superman 80) and was almost impossible to recap straight. When we tried to give a factual, chronological accounting of these comics, we weren't capable of throwing in a few puns. And circa 1989-1993, nor were the staff of Marvel Year In Review.

When people try to contemplate the early 90's and Marvel, they think of Spider-Man 1, X-Force 1, X-Men 1. If you narrow the field down to Marvel Magazines, probably the movie adaptations, poster specials and most likely the BEAUTIFUL Marvel Illustrated Swimsuit Editions. Few will remember the spectacular Marvel Year In Review annuals. That's a shame, because with one notable exception* it was the last time they displayed an ability to take the mick out of themselves beside the better issues of John Byrne's run on She-Hulk or the comedy title 'What The--?!' (also canceled, sadly in 1993.).

Marvel Year In Review, in theory, was probably originally designed to be exactly that: A chronological overview of every comic published by Marvel over the previous 12 months. That sounds simple enough but can you imagine being the poor saps who not only have to read all those comics but attempt to sum them up as a factual synopsis. The work and time we just put into four issues of Green Lantern was murder and at least interesting things happened in those books. 'Hey, Dwight here's all of Acts Of Vengeance to work out, and see if you can explain what a Captain Universe is and why Spidey might become possessed by his powers, there's a pie in it for you. Barry, you got Atlantis Attacks.' Interns were probably diving out of the window at the sight of editor Bobbie Chase approaching them with a stack of Alpha Flight.

So rather than put out another dry, just the facts ma'am comic to sit along Marvel Age, The Offical Handbook Of The Marvel Universe or Marvel Preview, they changed gears. Marvel opted for a magazine format with covers emulating the likes of Time and later National Lampoon and sadly unnoticed New York-centric mag Spy. The early issues provided something of a review of the year but in journalistic form for some of the bigger events juxtaposed with pieces on 'Best and Worst Dressed' and ads for products like Damage Control, who would sort out your house if it'd been trashed in a fight between The Hulk and The Wrecker, a tourist ad for Latveria, posters for the new Simon Williams film or a flyer for the next Dazzler disco compilation. Long before Alex Ross painted every last rock on Ben Grimm's back, Marvel TYIR gave you an insight into what it would be like to be a resident of the Marvel Universe reading a 616 style issue of National Lampoon.

MYIR also ran interviews with various superheroes, (Including Rick Jones recounting the time he met Elvis, by far the best thing to come out of Infinity Gauntlet/War/Crusade.) a review of Nightcat's debut album, an appetite suppressant for Galactus, the 'Who Died This Year, Who Came Back From The Dead and Who Managed To Stay Dead' update, an expose of Genosha's tourist, a create your own 90's superhero name and origin generator (which turned out to be surprisingly accurate.) an account of two disenfranchised rival employees's visit to the Marvel Offices and ooh, loads more.

This is speculation on our part, but the knife gets a lot sharper around the 1992-1993 editions. The full chronology is written with a weary black humour of someone's who just seen too much and is getting bitter. The full-on assault on the 1993 annuals, certain top-tier artists 'showing their influences too clearly' and inadvertently predicting the future of more brutal and uncaring superhero comics in the article 'Bring On The Bad Guys' from MYIR 1993.

There's a huge shift in attitude and editorial policy in the next 12 months. Several publishers have gone bust, Tom Defalco is gone as Editor In Chief and replaced with 5 people in charge of various parts of the publishing line, turning Marvel into a series of little fiefdoms with varying degrees of co-operation between each other. We've just met Peter Parker's robot parents. Aunt May is about to die. Reed Richards is dead. Jim Wilson is dead. Legion resolves to kill Magneto. Dr Strange has an idea for something called 'The Secret Defenders'. Everything is about to get very serious and therefore far more ripe for parody.

And with no word, no goodbye from the editors, nothing in the fan press nor explanation, Marvel Year In Review 1994 was solicited thusly:

'Marvel Year In Review 1994 - Just the facts, ma'am. Gone is the tongue-in-cheek humor of the past; the Marvel Year in Review offers a factual recap of the major Marvel Universe events of 1994. It's short on lengthy text and long on splashy art and fact-filled sidebars. Included are all the happenings from the pages of X-Men, Spider-Man, Fantastic Four and Ghost Rider, plus art by Andy Kubert, Chris Bachalo, Tom Lyle and many others! $2:95. $4.00 CAN'

And it was. Normal comic size. No chatty opener from the editor with puns and gags. No angry letters from readers just wanting to know what happened in X-Force and wanting to be rid of the MODAM jokes. No ads. Not even, truth be told, much in the way of recaps so much as trade dress-less cover repros with dialogue quotes and a paragraph or two to cover the essential plot elements, finished with the most perfunctory 'Er, will this do?' appeal to the readers on the last page. Turns out that no, it wouldn't do at all, as there was no Marvel Year In Review 1995 or any other edition either.

Marvel has put out a few self-parody books since, such as Marvel RIOT!, House Of Hem, Marvel WHAT Now?, Who Won't Wear The Shield, Wha HUH? and obviously Deadpool crosses the lines frequently, but there's not been something that clever nor ambitious since. Perhaps the line between reader, writer and editor aren't as clear as they used to be or simply today's audience wouldn't be as immediately familiar with the formats being parodied and as the recent attempts to parody Marvel fanfiction have shown, sometimes an idea just belongs to its time. As a magazine that featured fun work by the likes of Todd McFarlane, Dan Slott, Sam Kieth, Peter David,  Kevin Maguire and a different angle on a world that takes itself a little bit seriously at times, Marvel Year In Review was a fun little ride while it lasted.

(Note to self. Never, ever look up Marvel fanfiction again. Ever.)

*This may be different now but was certainly the case in 1994. Origins, histories and such might have changed due to 52, Convergence and Rebirth. We were told that Flashpoint was the end of the DC Universe as we knew it, and we took that as a good place to stop reading. Except Section Eight and Batman/Elmer Fudd obviously.

Dedicated to the memory of Steve Ditko.(1927-2018)

[unofficial-underfell]

Whenever I see Chara being portrayed as a murderous demon child, I just want to hug them so bad! I won't get angry at other people's opinions, but I still don't like it! I relate to them so much!

Dude I TOTALLY Agree, like, I get the only time you see their physical appearance is in a negative light, but at the same time, following the heavy evidence towards the narrator chara theory and analyzing their motives and emotions a little bit, we can see that the kid is a lot more multidimensional than people give them credit for! 

Gonna ramble for juuust a minute here but they say stuff like “Cactus, truly the most tsundere of plants.” and “Scandalous! It’s Toriel’s sock drawer.” Like that is a kid who is funny, probably has some dry wit, but they tell PUNS too. 

“Mandanna” “Leg, Hero” “Bisicle/ Unisicle”

This is a kid who probably picked up on the general light-hearted humor of the family since their time staying with the Dreemurrs, as well as some cultural osmosis I would think, being that anime seems to be an extremely important cultural aspect of the underground (that is a sentence that was bizarre even for me).

And they have a little bit of dark humor, as evidenced here by thier “dirty joke” towards woshua

It doesn’t make much sense until you realize they were telling a joke about a kid who took a “dirt nap”; why would  Frisk to tell a joke about a dead child? Now, it would seem out of place unless you look at the Chara is the narrator theory, putting the thought of that into their mind.

There was a pink hand knit sweater, probably made my Chara and Asriel, that said “Mr. Dad Guy” for Asgore! And he’s kept it all those years. I know it may have been knitted by Toriel, but Chara pauses before finishing that sentence, almost as if they needed a moment. 

Oh yeah, demon children with nothing but Chaos and destruction on their mind draw FLOWERS, and no, before Flowey, so no dramatic cruel irony, just probably saw a pretty flower and drew it.

The kid hated humanity, but any child who hates humanity was probably undoubtedly wronged in some way by them, especially if the parents were negligent enough to allow their child climb the cursed mountain where “Legends say those who climb the mountain never return.” They also say shit like, ‘If you look cute, monsters won’t hit you as hard.” Like, what kid who hasn’t experienced something like that says, well, something like that?

Nobody is born evil, and I think that, well, considering characters like Flowey, that’s a big point Undertale was trying to drive home. Another thing I picked up on Undertale was that good people can do bad things with good intentions, even if all the motivations were not pure as gold, as evidenced by Asgore and Toriel. 

Asgore killed children to bring hope to the monsters, bad thing for a good cause, but he was also motivated by his fear of humanity. Because of the atrocities humanity had committed against monsterkind, he was afraid. The death of his beloved children? He was greiving. Sadness and fear, as well as duty to the kingdom, encouraged him to put aside his morals to prevent crisis. 

He is a kind man, silly sometimes even, giving Alphys a lizard cup he thought looked like her (a professional under his rule, he’s like her boss and Alphys is comfortable enough to have a crush on him), and forgiving, giving Alphys a hug and forgiving her for being afraid of confessing about the amalgamates, because in the end she did the right thing. *cough* But according to Toriel she didn’t do the right thing soon enough *cough*

And speaking of Toriel, Toriel had left him when he decided to kill the children, stating that there was another way. But people were dying of the loss of Hope, waiting on another child to fall and die of old age wasn’t an option for most of them, not when the whole kingdom was stricken with grief. Toriel stated that he could have taken just one child’s soul, and taken to to get help from the humans, or perhaps to get souls from the sick and dying, but is she not a boss monster as well? When Asgore failed to step up to the task, Toriel failed too. Where was she when the underground was collapsing, falling down? 

She got into the throne room easily enough to attack the king, it’s not like coming back wasn’t an option. Fear and Pride are her motivators, and she did not want to admit she was afraid, nor that her morals were in fact, fallible. 

Granted, she did change her mind later, coming after Frisk in the end, but we gotta remember, six other humans weren’t as lucky as Frisk.

I believe some motivation as to why she protected humans who fell down to was make up for the fact that because of her and her ex- husband’s cowardice, they would be killed later. Motivated also by wanting to relive her happy past perhaps, she stays in the ruins after all, and has not changed furniture around for what can be assumed to be a century or longer. Perhaps she blames herself as well, and I would honestly like to see that explored more, but back to Chara for now.

Now, if they liked the Dreemurs even a little bit, think, for one second, that maybe a 9-year old is not a manipulative demonic mastermind, and enjoyed having a loving family who showed them love and friendship and kindness, things they probably were lacking on the surface, that could add an entirely new motivation. Asgore kept telling them they were the hope for humans and monsters, they probably learned about souls, basic monster history and what human and monster souls did, they could have killed themselves, and knew their soul could be used to free monsterkind. 

But Chara did want to go back just to kill the humans, say they were just a vengeful, hateful child for what humanity had done to them, whatever that may be, even if you think it’s minor, this child felt so STRONGLY about it that they took their own life. That’s strong evidence that this was a child struggling with something deep within themselves, that they couldn’t come to grips with, and they wanted to end the pain. A child was driven to suicide out of hatred and vengence, and people are going to completely and utterly demonize that? 

So, Chara killed themselves to free the monsters, but was also motivated by vengence to get back at humanity for what happened during thier time on the surface. A person did a bad thing with good intentions, but all the motivations were not pure as gold. Seems to run in the family don’t it?

And the way they killed themselves?

Buttercups.

The same thing they accidentally poisoned Asgore with, the same thing he almost died from, and where they learned about that poison. Just because they laughed didn’t mean it was funny. 

Going to assume tears also ran down thier cheeks when Asgore got poisoned too.

We all know Chara had a daggar, it would have been quick that way, they could have made that look like an accident. There’s other kids of poison probably, something faster, maybe. There’s a lot of ways. But instead they decided to die slowly and painfully, with stinging and itching poison, the same thing they hurt thier dad with. 

Now, as for Chara’s relationship with Asriel, there’s plenty of evidence Chara and Asriel had good times together, Chara’s the only person Flowey cares about as a soulless husk, for one. The Best Friends Forever amulet, the Memorial which is highly believed to be of the soul-fusion before they dusted (Memory plays, which is Chara and Asriel’s combined theme), and even when the Asriel Dreemur Memory Sequence happened, those memories were a combination or Chara and Asriel’s memories, There is no possible way Frisk could have known those memories were there, Frisk probably wasn’t even alive at the time. And the only other people who could have shared some of them were the newly freed Lost Souls, Toriel and Asgore, and they weren’t there for half of them. 

Chara and Asriel were not the healthiest sibling relationship. But relationships AREN’T always black and white, abuser and victim, sometimes people just aren’t good for each other. And it’s unfair to paint Chara as abuser and Asriel as victim, they were children, they probably didn’t realize all the nuances to unhealthy relationships, heck, if Chara had experienced abusive behaviors in their time on the surface, (ie. Big kids don’t cry) then they couldn’t see a pattern with what they were doing as unusual, especially given Asriel’s idolization of them and his willingness to enable them to do things that miiiight not be the best idea. (Making a pie without thier mom’s help, killing themselves, little things). But just because they weren’t the healthiest relationship didn’t mean Asriel and Chara didn’t CARE about each other. Chara and Asriel TRUSTED each other, Chara for Asriel to carry out the plan, Asriel for Chara to go through with thiers.

And over the years, even after Chara caused Asriel to lose his ability to love, even after he lost his body, he did not hate Chara. He put the kid on a pedestal, and they are a multifaceted kid, they are not a beacon of perfection, and even according to Asriel, they were not the best person. But even still, there’s no way he would put the kid on a pedestal for no good reason. They probably had lots of good, happy times together, and as his time as Flowey, he remembered them, he clung to them, like sticky seeds that don’t want to let go. And he MISSED them. 

And dipping into Badtime territory, Sans and Asgore are killed automatically, however

It is the PLAYER who must click to follow through with the killing blow. It is NOT an immediate action on Chara’s part.

Also lest not forget the ONLY fights during pacifist the narration gets into “Serious Mode” for are the fights against the Dreemurr family; the fights hold a lot of weight in regards to storytelling, so that is a possible motive for the activation of serious mode, but it is also Chara’s family. And that’s a fact that I don’t think should be outright ignored.

When Frisk fell off the bridge and landed on the pile of flowers in waterfall, Asriel’s first words to Chara played. Every time Frisk dies, Asgore’s words to Chara to Stay Determined, ring through Frisk’s head. This is IRREFUTEABLE evidence that throughout pacifist, CHARA. IS. THERE. (also that there’s heavy evidence they are the narrator but I digress) 

And they are there, NOT guiding Frisk to do genocide, not encouraging violence, they are there, commenting on how Frisk plays in the leaves, calling pie Buttspie, makes jokes as to Frisk’s greed from taking too many pieces of monster candy, they emulate FRISK. And who controls them? YOU.

They look for guidance from Frisk. And what Frisk does is what we have them do. The true enemy of Undertale isn’t the evil “demon that comes when they call it’s name.”  YOU called their name and YOU guide them through paths with Frisk.

All that reloading and resetting even after getting fucking obliterated by sans a gazillion times? That was the player doing that, Chara is just looking to you for what to do next. At ANY point, except until the very end, when you’ve fully brought Chara back under your quest for curiousity, when the world is erased, you could stop, and Chara comes along. 

Perhaps Chara and the player share the same “human soul” and ‘determination”, but note the quotes, I believe that what Chara’s referring to is the game constructs of those concepts used during your run. 

I think a big mistake that gets made when characterizing Chara, especially for things like comics is that they try to seperate the player from the equation, but like Chara says when you complete genocide a second time,  

They then proceed to tell you that you, the player, are strange for wanting to keep recreating and resetting, they can’t understand what you, the player is feeling, because they can’t understand this sense of utter completionism that comes from knowing everything and everything. 

The reason they think this was the way to go was because you WILLED this ending to happen. YOUR Guidance. YOUR quest for power. YOUR views as all of monsterkind as the enemy that needed to be eradicated. They took ALL of it to heart, they took all of it as a guide, as they do pacifist. Chara is an impressionable child whose ideals you warp with your genocide route.

And the part where everyone likes to assume Chara was the grand mastermind? 

Well, unless you’re masochistic enough to actually enjoy playing through the genocide route through all it’s frustrating grinding and impossible two boss battles, then you kinda let your determination and curiousity get the better of you, huh? 

You weren’t even able to control yourself.

Chara is not someone who did nothing wrong, nor is Frisk, following along with all these plans of yours, perhaps for once they decided to follow instead of lead and see how that turns out. They are willing to be complicit in the deaths of all thier loves ones and follow what you say, but sharing your determination and soul, I would say thier choices by themselves are pretty limited.  

Going back to what I think is a common trend with people handling Chara’s character in UT comics is that they like to combine Chara with the metaphysical concept known as the “Player”. However a big part of the player’s motivation is simply CURIOSITY and COMPLETIONISM, whereas Chara makes it clear they wish to erase the world, or to even get back at the humans by taking your soul and going to the surface. 

The one thing I tend to dislike about removing the player from the eqution is that people also tend to remove Chara’s capacity for good, making them wholly responsible for the genocide route, which i feel undermnes another big lesson from the game, which is Your Chosen Actions have Consequences.

Granted, some instances of this have been done skillfully and tastefully (such as AFAC, which I follow closely because thier Chara is an amazingly done morally dark grey character) but others painting them as a soulless and ruthless murderchild with no room for redemption make me sad because there is so much more to them than that. 

Chara can vary wildly depending on what run is done, and whether you complete pacifist or genocide, they’re going to learn lessons based on what they learn from your actions. I believe that the true hero/villain of undertale is YOU, but only if you want to be. Only if your curiosity doesn’t get the better of you. You lend Frisk your determination, and what they can do with it is up to you. 

The player’s Determination creates a happy ending, and their Curiosity takes it all away.

I love to see lots of morally grey and even morally dark grey Charas, but it’s gotta be done with sense and taste, depicting Chara as chaos for chaos’ sake makes no sense because, as stated before and what I believe is a big part of UT, No one is born evil. And personally, seeing some softer Chara’s is cool too, we don’t see enough of Chara showing off thier childlike side, and I think it’s great in getting people to see Chara as more of a morally complex character.

But hey, that’s just my 2 cents

whoa geez this is long make that like uhhhhhh $1.36 on the matter

Of course other people have different headcanons and all of my thoughts on this don’t always align with everyone’s headcanons, but I hope you enjoyed my little ramble nonetheless. I want people to be able to see Chara as complex and interesting; despite not being related to the Dreemurrs, they sure tend to be the scapegoat for a lot of the player’s actions less-than-tasteful actions, yet not for any of the good ones. Feel free to add your thoughts to reblogs and such, I love analyzing this game, and I know I probably didn’t get everything right but hey, 

  *peace sign* 

-Mod Avery

[elonthor]

lady siofra:

      The delicate woman’s voice carried through the breeze like the sound of birds chirping in the wind, both far away from and all around Siofra as she sat in the greenhouse.

      “To find true love muddle the petals of a pink rosebud in a dish of milk and sugar under the light of a new moon.”  Siofra scribbled furiously in her notebook.

      “And then what, Daphne?  Add the hair of a horse born at midnight in the third stall of the stable of a barn built in an odd numbered year?”  Siofra almost missed the hint of a sly smile as the voice continued on seemingly amused. 

      “Laugh now but separately each of these ingredients might help you determine your fate, sweet child.  It’s up to you to know.”  Siofra nodded solemnly.  Normally she was hungry for knowledge and soaked up every last word Daphne breathed.  For everything Andre knew, Daphne had the knowledge that Siofra couldn’t explain.  If Daphne hadn’t started whispering to her the former queen would have surely gotten away with murdering Siofra as expediently and cleanly as the former queen had murdered Siofra’s father. For all Daphne knew, she seemed truly blase about the duties a young, unmarried, orphan regent had ahead of her.

      “I suppose it would be prudent to manifest feelings of love for my husband once I find out who he is.  Andre has allowed a potential suitor to begin his journey to the castle.  So this may prove useful sooner rather than later.”

      “Vindel?  Andre will never open the gates for someone with so many -” Daphne paused to hiss - “scars”.  

      Siofra chuckled softly to herself. “Emotional or physical?”

      Daphne’s voice floated above Siofra’s shoulder and became almost imperceptible. “Both taste sweet on the right man’s lips, child.  You’ll find out soon enough.”

________________________________

      As Daphne’s voice faded out on the wind, Siofra awoke with a bolt in her bed to find she was decidedly not in her bed.  Her journal strewn out on the floor with some blankets and pillows she had dragged there the night before.  Hemlock tea sitting by the bedside in a shallow pool at the liquid from her clumsy attempts to set it down the night before. Everything from the day before came rushing back to her.  The letter, the festival, and, for better or worse, the long islands.  The more she remembered, the more her head began to pound.  Siofra pulled out her medicine kit and began mixing things together.

      Hyskaria was undoubtedly caring for Vindel by this point assuming that he hadn’t recovered.  For all she remembered Vindel reacted rather strongly to the drinks, but save for his incessant chatter about sex and love and other things that would make Andre faint from impropriety, seemed fine and as always entwined with Hyskaria.  When she first met the pair Siofra couldn’t believe the two.  A tiefling and a prince.

      Siofra hadn’t been in the world for terribly long, but Andre’s lessons on royalty told her that no real prince would abandon his duty for love.  In fact, the entire idea insulted her entire upbringing.  She’d never admit it to them now but Siofra took the couple’s blatant happiness as a personal offense at first. Although now the thought of the two often inspired an absent minded smile on her face.

      Mint for nausea. Muddle the herb with ginger to soothe the nerves.  Rock wouldn’t need anything much either. While Siofra didn’t quite understand Rock or his poison of choice, she assumed he didn’t quite understand her hemlock tea either.  Perhaps, he was tolerant of most poisons too. Siofra made a mental note to inquire after him about this. A pinch of Valerian to calm the nerves. She knew that she and Elonthor needed this tincture to calm the pounding in both their heads.

      If the drinks affected me, then how in the many realms would he even be able to get out of bed.  That sweet poisonable elf. Her hand combed through the ingredient pouches in her kit in search of sugar, her fingers loosely brushing past a bag of pink rosebuds and her face flushed with at the sudden memory of a spell Daphne taught her ages ago.

      Somewhat flustered she pulled out the sugar, to sweeten the medicine and mask the tin-like taste of the valerian. With it popped out a bag of cinnamon. For a moment she paused, trying to remember what Daphne had said about cinnamon years ago. Siofra shook her head as if trying to shake off the thought.  Daphne was a geranium and in a completely different kingdom. Elonthor was nearby right then and needed Siofra and she somehow knew it. Cinnamon tastes great in tea and makes a good stirring implement, nothing more.       Siofra walked to the door stirring the tea and hoping that Elonthor would be pleased to have her company in this moment rather than annoyed at the existence of the world as her books led her to believe he might.  She swung open the door lost in her own thoughts when all of a sudden she ran into him.  Elonthor was at her door and her sudden shock back to reality from her thoughts left her speechless.

      “Good morning, Lady Siofra.  I trust you slept well?”  Elonthor smiled at her with a kindness that slowed her thoughts.  She nodded slowly.

      “Better now that you’re here.” She grinned and opened the door a bit wider to invite him in.  “Tea?”

________________________________

elonthor:

The library in Elegion was home to many books, especially the one upon the higher levels and within the walls of the Castle. He was lucky enough while growing up, to browse the countless texts on past battles that had been carried out, their victories and losses, studies of beasts, other races that existed outside their walls, and among all else, texts that still boggled his mind to this day: those about love, seeking out/finding love.

Most were mere tales, carried to Elegion by wandering bards, none exactly confirmed. But he found them entirely amazing. In all of his years, he never had experienced what love truly was. He’d been told by his mother of very few things when he’d come to her of certain feelings.

“My dear child, it sounds as though you have what they call a ‘crush’,” She would beam at him, and pull him close. “Tell me more about her, I want to know everything.”

She would sit beside him upon his bed as he listlessly went on about the elvish girl in his classes, or one that he had passed upon the cobblestone road to school as he wandered through the market prior, or on an errand. Each time she would listen with a smile. But soon such stories were deemed childish, as he was made to focus upon his military life, and rising in the ranks to join his older brothers and sisters, as well as his mother and father. Love was not commonplace as you grew older, not here anyway. “It is childish, he is no longer a child. Stop filling his head with silly things such as this!” He recalled his father stating rather flatly to his mother, when he arrived home one evening after shopping the markets. “He must focus, and not be blinded by such desires.”

His heart sank, and he grew cold, dismissive. Though still dreamed of change...though the thoughts of love, or even finding someone to fill such a void, were placed far back in the reaches of his mind.

________________________________

He blinks quietly down at Siofra, his form seemingly looming over the tiny female. His brow furrows upon her greeting as his head tilts to the side, as if attempting to understand what she meant by her being ‘better now that he was there’.

“I am...unsure as to what you mean by that…Lady Siofra,” He states quietly, before pursing his lips into a fine line, and peered past her, looking within her room. It seemed rather quaint, and for some reason, the scents and smells within while it reminded him of an alchemist's lab, it also reminded him of home? Which garnered a rather comforting feeling within him.

‘Better now that you are here’, he ran the statement within his mind a few more times, thinking back to the texts he’d read and there was a strange and taken aback look upon his face when it had finally clicked. He blinked rather quickly, looking back down towards Siofra, who still holding the cup of tea up towards him, seemed as though she was standing upon her tiptoes just so that he would take it.

There was a slight hint of pink upon his cheeks as she’d opened her door just a bit more in order to invite him in. Reaching down, he would take the cup from her, as gently as he could manage. “Tea? I-- uhm...that does sound...rather nice, yes. Thank you.” The scent of the tea wasn’t at all common to him as he brought it up to his lips, but she was a cleric after all, so there was no way it would...harm him? He hesitated a moment, and entered her room, taking a sip from the cup.

Honi scampered up the steps directly after his master, entering Siofra’s room, but not after the wolf had attempted to lick Siofra’s face a few times. Prancing happily after his master, he would find a place that was suitable enough for him to lay down, and sprawled out upon the floor. Elonthor peered further about the room, to and fro, eyes quickly scanning the environment before he looked back to Siofra, rather embarrassed. “Ah, apologies.” His ears seemed to droop just a hair, as if he were an animal that had done something wrong.

“Thank you for...the tea, Lady Siofra. If I might ask, what type of tea is it? It is...rather good, and soothing. And another question, if you would allow me to ask? How are you feeling this morning? I pray better than I, as it seems I defecated some of the vile ale I had consumed last evening.” He makes a rather sour face a that, as he recalls the bucket he’d moved out into the hall when he awoke.

[ask-talisto]

I'm not sure if this has been asked yet but Talia Mephisto what do you love most about each other?

Hey guys! This one shot will be in a pair. I got too similar asks so while this one will be from Mephisto’s viewpoint, the other will be from Talia’s. You can also find this posted on AO3 and ff.net!

Slamming the door and pouting was not his best move when it came to dealing with his wife and her nagging. He was honestly quite thankful Anastasia and Damien were out with their team on a mission. Praxina would probably mock his behavior if she were there.

Their argument was silly, something about not putting her books back in their proper places within her study. Talia had always been a bit pretentious about organization and it wasn’t the first time she’d gotten on to him about it. However, there was always that little part of him that relished in sparking her fury. Praxina said he was crazy for it, to which the others usually agreed, but no matter what, in the 17 years they’ve known each other, it never seemed to lose its enticement. The golden spark in her eyes never lost its luster no matter how she aged, and the way her plush lips puckered into a pout when she glared up at him still managed to make his stomach fly into a full on mambo.

Granted, he never did it to piss her off out of hatred. That ended pretty early on. She had given her all to give him his life back. No matter how many times an issue came up, or he lashed out, ready to give in and succumb to his injuries and misgivings, she given him her all. Even when she was frustrated, ready to throw her spell book with aggravation, she never abandoned him. She demanded he keep fighting, pushed him to accept his defeat, and challenged him to make it count for something worthwhile. Even when her team and her kingdom looked to him with a wary eye, she stood her ground. She claimed he was necessary. She claimed they needed him to succeed. She said he belonged. He hadn’t felt that way in years.

Sighing, Mephisto leaned against the door, drowning out the sound of Talia ranting from the other side before walking across the room to the mirror. Pushing back his bangs, his gloved fingers running over the scarred skin along his jaw. He remembered how much they ache from time to time, and how ashamed he had been to look at them. He felt like even more of a monster. On earth he could hide them with his magic, but it was too exhausting to do so all the time. He had no idea how she could stand it.

The Princess of Xeris, under her sister, the queen’s order, had taken the duty of healing hizm to aid in saving Earth from his sister and Banes. She had hardly any clue what she was doing, and had even gone as far as to smuggle in his mother’s Zaterran healing spells. Not only that, but in her desperate desire after weeks of struggle, she had broken the law of both realms to unlock the Ydinoran spells in the Ancient Ephedian Spellbook. She saw him fall, she listened to him sob and cry out in pain. She stood his foul nature and yet she still promised to get him through it. She wanted to help him and Praxina. She knew all too well what losing family was like; she pushed past her own feelings for theirs. That was so unlike anything he’d expected from her. He hardly trusted her, even though he knew he wanted to be real with her.

Mephisto chuckled, remembering how terribly petty they both were when he wanted to leave Morgaine and Minerva. Their arguments were more childish than this one and she was beyond livid when he escaped and fell through the gate and into her room in the middle of the night. She nearly throttled him but claimed it was not worth it after how hard she had to work to bring him back to normal. He had scoffed at her, claiming normal was being able to use magic, and fly, and not look like a dragon had played tic tac toe with his backside. He had been embarrassed by his looks, but she claimed them to be a sign of her hard work so he’d better appreciate them. She said they were a sign of him finally letting her in. They told his story and showed his will to survive.

He liked them a little better after that. He liked them even more when her soft, slender hands traced over them when he was stressed, or when her nails left trails across his skin, burning to match his unholy desire as she panted below him, expressing her love.

He cleared his throat, walking out to the balcony to overlook the gardens. His eyes caught the flicker of blue moving across the greenery. He chuckled as she moved, soldiers stiffening as the recognized that signature aura of anger that matched her step. She was still as intimidating and lovely as ever. With a sigh, he watched her disappear with amusement, “Stubborn woman.”.

It was as if the Xerin people had a default stubbornness to match their pride. He smiled, his lips curling with whimsy as he recalled how she’d snuck off to Zaterra to find him a Fieridalan to ride on when he complained he couldn’t fly anymore. The breeder had denied her because she was Xerin and she came back in such a fury, Mephisto figured she could take on all of Zaterra and his sister in that moment. He demanded he go with her, and instead of just giving them one, the breeder stated that it was tradition that the Zaterran had to retrieve one of the beasts and tame it themselves. Mephisto admitted his body was still in recovery and gave up, but Talia took it upon herself to climb the steep mountain to find one for him herself. She was a fool, they were all sure, but he was rooting for her to prove them wrong. Mephisto had nearly pissed himself when she was overwhelmed by the winds and creatures, falling off the side of the mountain and sending everyone into a panic. He’d launched across the field so fast, he’d hardly registered he was flying. When they finally registered what had happened they both were sent flying to the ground, only to be caught by a mischievous dragon that had followed them on their journey and plagued them with hunger after eating their lunch.

Roku was her gift to him as a way to lift his spirits. They had become friends.

His expression softened as he closed his eyes. Though she was often thought of as cold and harsh, an antisocial stuck up royal, she was always caring and loyal. She housed a naturally passionate spirit that has been beaten back by loss. She was someone so scared of losing she trained herself not to do so. She was still healing just as much as he was and he found himself wanting nothing more than to give her a chance to stop and breathe.

Year after year, they faced opposition and challenges, but she never stopped fighting. She never stopped loving him and she never stopped challenging the world to try harder. She was one of the strongest people he’d ever met. He didn’t care if she woke him up because of a nightmare, or if she broke down in his arms from fear or exhaustion. Every aspect and every facet of Talia was exceptionally beautiful to him. His precious diamond would glisten in so many ways no matter how many times he looked at her. Everything about her was a challenge and it was always worth it.

He’d never imagined upon meeting her that she would be the one to give him his family, his home, and his life, and anytime he fought for it she was always by his side. Walking over to her vanity, he picked up the frame that held the smiling faces of their children. Stroking the glass, he smiled lovingly at their fang filled grins. Whenever he looked to them he saw his entire world growing and blossoming before him. He could hear his father’s laughter and terrible jokes, and feel his mother’s comforting warmth. He could see Praxina’s prideful stature and Izira’s sensible nature. He could see Talia in both of them; arms open and accepting him just as he is.

So what if she liked to be overly organized? Or she was strict in meetings? So she nags him when he misbehaves. Big deal. It was worth it. Sure, they’d argue from time to time, but he wouldn’t leave her for anything. She had defied the world for him and had yet to leave his side. She was a keeper, even if Pappie kept telling him to divorce. Then again, Pappie could hardly remember where his left foot was let alone know where Mephisto thought he could shove it. With a decisive nod, he teleported out of the room and into her study.

He relaxed at its familiarity. The clean, porcelain and marble glowed from the streams of light shining through the intricate gold frames of the window. The room smelled of sweet spices and jasmine, a scent he could only mark as Talia. He’d never tire of it. It was one of his favorite things. Using his magic, the books levitated from the shelves into stacks based on their genre. Talia liked them in alphabetical order by their volume date and separated by content type. All books must have the titles visible via the spine of the book, and she hated when they were squeezed in too tight to where she had a hard time pulling them out.

Contrary to Talia’s belief, while he wasn’t big in reading for a hobby, his parents drilled the care of books and scrolls into his and Praxina’s heads from a young age. Each was dusted off and placed in its proper position. He had no idea how long he’d been there, or when he would finish, but soon his back and fingers ached, and his usually sharp eyes were beginning to tire. Sighing, he placed the last book on the bottom shelf, yawning from his spot on the floor. With a groan he stretched, closing his eyes and laying back in the floor. The things he’d do for love. He still needed to find his wife, and she was most likely still upset. It would be evening soon and the idea of her glaring at him across the dinner table tonight made him wince.

“Mephisto?”

The soft call from his wife at the door made him tense with surprise and he quickly sat up in a daze. Talia smiled as he yawned, scratching at the back of his head with light confusion.

“Hey…”

“Hungry?” Talia smiled softly as she place a tray on her desk.

“Nah, I’m good.”

Talia smirked as his stomach growled.

“Okay, maybe a little. How’d you know I was in here?”

“I know my husband….and I almost walked in on you.” Talia grinned sheepishly, tucking her bangs behind her ear as she watched him take a bite out of the savory pastries. He hummed with delight at the sweet bread mixing with the tangy, savory fig jam at the center. She really did know him too well. Talia let out a sigh as she sat on the ledge of her desk, “I’m sorry I snapped at you,honey. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Nah. You were right. I was being stupid. I should know better than to mess with your books.” Mephisto shrugged, finishing off his food by stuffing the whole of it into his mouth. Talia stifled a giggle at his expression. He grinned at her, cheeks full, earning an outright laugh.

“You’re ridiculous, y'know that.” Talia brightened, dusting crumbs from his goatee.

“Only for you, Princess.”

“So…are we gonna talk about the fact that you knew exactly where I wanted them?” Talia raised an eyebrow at him, casually snatching his second pastry from his hand.

“Hey! I put them back!”

“Yes, you did.” Talia softened, giving him a light kiss, “Thank you for working so hard to make things right for me.”

A slight blush dusted his cheeks, “No problem. Can I have my snack back now?”

“Mmm. No.”

“I earned it! Give it back!”

“Come and get it!” Talia took a bite out of it, waving as she jogged out of the room, bright blue curls teasingly flying past him.

A low growl rose from his throat as a smirk stretched across his lips. That familiar arousal for conquering a challenge she had driven into him was thriving once again. He supposed that was part of what he loved about her. With a devious grin he looked to the tray still full of the delectable treats before taking off after his mischievous wife.

Thanks for reading! Please review! ❤

[chasingeast]

Day 1: Let’s Begin- 10:55 A.M., Saturday, December 21, 2019

Dear Me,

This is your time. Use this power. This will be a place for you to recognize and record your triumphs your losses. The highs and the lows. I want you to reminisce and learn. To grow and blossom into something greater. I've thought to myself often ever since I was younger what I might truly want out of life in itself and it's still a question I'm asking myself. What I want out of it. I felt like for so long I had this Grand idea of what it might look like, how I might look like, when it would happen. And in my present and current years I've learned that it isn't anything to what I imagined. I thought I would have been married by now with my first child on the way, I thought I would have my career set in stone, I would be with someone, that so many other things would have been in place. And yet, to the surprises of life, I have certain things and still more yet to come. I always told myself that it would be when I was 28. That it was the most magical number because of an anime character I used to love named Rurouni Kenshin. He lived life, even though it was made up. It just seemed like everything was so wonderful at a time when nothing was set in stone. The world was ahead of me, I had so much life to live still. Fast forward 10+ years into the present and here we are.

I have a job which I’m still on probation for, but does it really matter? I know I do well at it. I have a gift and a nack that, though I wouldn’t go around boosting to everyone, that I am pretty damned good at it. Could there be other areas within the field that I could improve in? Yes. I’m learning from them each day and am trying to make a breakthrough. It has been a direction for me for so long. When you were younger, you were told that you had to go to school to go to college and finally pick a degree. Teaching has been a direction for me for as long as I can remember. Why? I’m not completely sure how it started, but I do know that I felt so proud of myself when I was able to work with the kids at chinese school when I was in middle school and volunteering. There was just something so special about it. Maybe it was because it was at a time when I was so shy that speaking was painful, but with the kids, the words would just pour out of me. The praise also helped from everyone around me. My peers, the teachers, and other adults recognized that within me.

I can’t say it’s always been easy. Right after college I took some time off because I wanted to go on my first overseas trip with my parents and univoice to china. I started to substitute shortly after I believe in the spring of 2013, which turned into a teacher aide position within a month until the end of the year. I was so nervous at the time to substitute. I still remember my first class which I believe was 4th grade. I didn’t know if they would listen to me and especially the rumored 8th grade class, which turned out great. Through many recommendations and praise from others, I ended up starting my job as a first grade teacher there, which I taught for two years. It was a difficult time. I felt like I was on top of the world, but struggled so much. When I look back now, I’m horrified at the type of teacher I was. I was not nice or kind, and struggled because I didn’t know what to do. I was just a child at the time at the age of 22 with a class of 21 students that I did not know how to manage. I can say that after 2 full years, many substituting opportunities, to another teacher aide position, to 3 maternity leave positions, I finally have put in my time with 2 full tenure tracked years, with currently my 3rd that I’m working on at the moment. I put in a great deal of effort and I know that effort does not always result with the best product, but I am getting smarter each day and am trying my best with things. I want to learn from each trial and hope that each day will bring me a new adventure and excitement to keep me going. I don’t know how my future will look nor what I will be doing in years to come, but I know at least right now this is where I am meant to be.

I have friends and family that I value and treasure. Now I can’t say that it’s been easy in the slightest either. My friends are so independent and lost in their own worlds, I feel like if I didn’t bring us together, then we never would be. I am not going around telling my tales of glory of how I am the glue for my friends, but I’m also not humble enough to hide it either. I love my old friends from college who though we’ve continued to go our own ways still find time for each other at least every now and again. My new friend whom I love dearly and is my support system at school. My new colleagues who I’m getting along with, although not quite close friends, but maybe one day. My old friend, who I love dearly and is my heart and soul understands me like no one else. E, who is also a dear friend, and sly and curt, but filled with love stories and fantasies. My univoice group whom I love and friends from all over who I adore. I love them for sticking through and being there for me. For my friends who do silly things with me and dress up as pizzas and run for a video montage. Who will have parties with me and help me clean. Who will be there for me in time of need and after every break up that I think they’re annoyed with me. Do I wish that some of them could be a little crazier and be more courageous, yes. I don’t mind though. I like spending time with them on occasion and I also enjoy doing my own things and being myself and my own person.

My family has been a whirlwind. There have been so many things that have happened in the past. Between ugliness and angst built against my family. The greed I learned about when I was younger about my dad’s side and selfishness that tore away at all my ideas of family values. The new selfishness that I continue to learn about my mom’s side when it comes to choices and greed that comes out of entitlement. I struggled with that for years now. It tore at me and broke me down in many ways that I do believe have helped me and forced me to see myself for who I am and who I want to be so that I can avoid being like them at all costs. My parents who are in constant peril and arguments because of poor communication and lack of duty towards one another. The white elephant in the room which will determine whether they hold together or separate due to divorce. My brother who I miss dearly and has run away yet again to find happiness elsewhere. I am happy for him, yet envious because I feel leashed to where I am with duties as a responsible daughter to the family.

I have my passions which I am thankful to have found others to share them with. I can’t say that I’ve necessarily grown in this department because I am still very much a homebody.

I love creating things. It brings me joy to make something. Knowing that I’m able to figure it out and see it through with an end result. My recent project was a body scrub which I gave to my coworkers as a present. It was a green tea peppermint scrub. Smells great, but is still in trial phase! Hopefully it works well!

I love to cook or bake or anything with food. I took E out to make handmade pasta. Though I can’t remember the name of the rolled pasta, it was delicious, as was the sauce! I’m hoping to make more in the future.

I love arts and crafts. It’s something that I’ve pushed to the backside for a long time. Probably because it consumed so much of my time. It was always so tedious. I loved every drawing and painting I created. I have a drive to do more. I like the metal art that I’ve started, as well as the wooden box. There’s still the miniature dollhouse I need to start. I’ve painted motivational rocks. I bought canvases to start painting winter scenes (my favorite).

I like to learn new things whether it be my hobby or someone else’s hobby. I just want to take it all in. The only new thing that I’ve done so far was to go to a board game convention with yahan and her friends. They’re crazy, but you can see the friendship and the love they have for each other. I love board games now. It’s not just a little part, it’s huge! Well, it certainly depends on having friends, but when you do it’s great! In years past I’ve been to popup events and lantern festivals. I would like to do more of that.

I love to be outdoors. It’s been a huge part of me for years now ever since I graduated college, so exactly 7 years ago. I needed a passion at the time and somehow it stumbled upon me while spending time with friends. We started slowly with hikes which turned into backpacking and camping. I can’t say that I’ve done as much as when I was younger but I do love each and every bit of it. I wish there was more I could do. I love looking at all the travel bloggers websites but something that I’ve come to realize most recently is that it’s just a fantasy. I might have the bravery to tackle certain activities but in all honesty, I don’t know that I’d even want to nowadays. In no way shape or form have I lost my love for the outdoors and hiking, but rather my goals have shifted. It’s still something that brings me joy. It is still something that challenges me. I needed this challenge to push myself. At the time, long ago when he and I broke up I needed something to distract me. This was the only thing that I had. I needed it to survive. Now, it’s nice when I can go but maybe not an end all.

I have my hopes and dreams. There are many things that I wish to accomplish. There are bigger things out there for me that I would like to do.

I would like to improve my mental wellness. I feel like I focus so much energy on negativity sometimes that it becomes all consuming. I need to learn to listen, understand it’s meaning, but let it go.

I would like to focus on my weaknesses. I want to develop a stronger backbone and really put my foot down when needed. I don’t want to let others push me around. I also don’t want to follow others and allow things to be just because I feel like there’s no other choice or because I just feel that I need them and would do anything for them.

I would really like to break out of my comfort zone. I’d like to say I got a head start on that goal with Yahan and her friends. I wish I could have spoken more and opened up rather than seeming like a lost puppy, but it was the first time for me so I can’t expect much at the moment. I want to get to know more people and learn from them. I want to broaden my horizons and see the world through other people’s eyes so that one day I too can experience it with my own version.

I want to be braver and take chances. I want to love myself fully and see myself for who I really am. I want to constantly grow. That doesn’t necessarily mean I have to be different all the time, but if there is something I don’t like then I don’t want to linger and let it stay around to fester. I want to develop and become the best version of myself for myself.

I want to stop falling for the first person I interact with. There is something to be said about developing and having a connection with someone. There is also something to be said about not misinterpreting someone who is simply being kind and well mannered with a person who is flirting with you. They can still be nice to you but not actually like you in that way. I’m thankful that so and so never responded to my message. He sent me pictures that he snapped of me, which I thought was creepy considering it was only our 2nd time seeing each other (I’m also pretty sure there were more photos) but I’m glad he never responded. I was in a weak position and desperate for attention. It stung a little at first but I got over it like anything else fairly quick. It wasn’t meant to be and though it was a rude awakening, it was one of the most important ones. I’m sure that there will be someone out there who compliments me and will appreciate me for who I am. In order to find that person though, it’s going to require all the right ingredients of which I may not have in order at the moment but it’s okay.

I want to see if I can discover what in this world will make my heart beat. To make my heart race each and every day and make me feel the need to put my best foot forward each day. I want to know all of it and more. I want to know if there is more to life than just mulling around each day going to work, going home, sleeping, and repeating. I want to know what the highs and lows are. The small and simple joys that make everything worth it.

I won’t deny that I am going to start writing more often to myself out of inspiration from He. I’ve always looked up to him. Rolled my eyes plenty at him, but never-the-less, he has always been someone so special and irreplaceable to me. Love has been such a difficult thing for me. I feel like there just isn’t anything for me. I wonder half the time if the way I am , the situation I’ve gotten myself into is simply because of the expectations I’ve held or because of the longing I have that they could all replicate an irreplaceable person. I’m not necessarily saying that I won’t date anyone just because I’m writing. I am instead saying that I’m hoping by writing, I will be able to capture all of my memories and save them for myself so that I don’t ever forget them. I want to use any means possible to solidify my thoughts. I often found using all my senses helped me best. I was never perfect, worst at best, but I’m still trying.

I want to learn from myself and grow into a better person. I want to document my successes and failures so that hopefully one day I can prevent the same ones from happening. I want to find peace from within and I know that’s only possible if I let go of my grudges and my high standards. That doesn’t mean I can’t have one, but I need to learn to love a person and not the ideal traits that I want from them. It’s still nice if it can work hand in hand though. I want to start a family with someone who I trust and will bring me the same amount of joy that I bring them on a daily basis. I want to be someone who I will be proud of and can tell stories about to my students and my children and grandchildren. I want to be someone that others will look up to and turn to when in need, not because I need to be a savior, but because I want to be a leader to guide others and myself.

I’ve written for many years letters to those I can’t speak to anymore. My heart is still hurt from S who I gave every ounce of my effort towards and love towards to try and reconcile to see if maybe I would be worth it to someone. I think he could have been worth it, but in the time and place we are currently in, I don’t see it. I also don’t want a man who won’t act like a man or a protector. At the end of the day, I want someone who will watch my back, like I know how I’d throw myself to defend them from harm's way.

There’s something to be said about wanting to be with someone and being okay on your own. I think you need to love yourself first in order to love someone else. I do love myself, but there are parts of me that I am unsure of. I don’t need to know the answer to everything. I don’t have to stay firm in all my decisions because they can change. I just know that I need to make things change myself first. I want to in order to give myself and someone else the best chance. I like being alone and doing my own things. I just also want someone I can share adventures, hopes, and dreams with. It’s something that I crave. I mean I also miss sex too, but who doesn’t. Hopefully somewhere out there it will happen. In the meantime, I want to document all the feats and triumphs and silliness of everyday life so that when I one day meet someone and we see eye to eye that I have plenty of stories to tell them of how I got to where I am.

Love Always,

[trulycertain]

The Great Big Masterpost

A post for pretty much everything I’ve ever written. Since I started writing fic. Yes, the scroll-bar really is that size. I know. I’m sorry too.

F!Amell/Alistair, Dragon Age Origins to post-Inquisition. Began 2011. Protag: Morgana Amell. If you want later, better writing, avoid ff.net links. Look, just… do that unless you’re a completionist, honestly. Stories marked with * will eventually be chapters in the rewritten Armour. I hope.

Pre-Blight

She Dreams Of Paradise: ff.net, 2011. Pre-Blight, character study. Morgana and growing up in the Tower.

Blight

Armour: ff.net, 2011. 81k-ish. Series of linked shorts. Morgana Amell and her companions all have their own personal battles - whether it’s finding your family, betrayal, or learning to trust. What you don’t see in the game, or a different perspective on what you do.(Armour was my first, somewhat shoddily-written fanfic, and it gave me Morgana, who I still have a terrible soft spot for. Eventually there will be a proper, revised, rewritten and finished version of Armour on AO3, but until then, I’ve just kept writing fics in this ‘verse.)

Beginning: Tumblr drabble. She has blood in her hair. Alistair tries not to stare but, you know. Blood. In her hair.

Control: ff.net, 2011. In all the ways that matter, templars have as little freedom as mages. Morgana, Alistair and an argument at camp.

things you said when you were crying*: Morgana stumbles on Alistair shortly after Ostagar, and admits that he might just be human after all.

Sweetheart: ff.net, 2011. History ultimately repeats itself. A tale of mages, templars and memories. Morgana/Alistair UST.

Scars: He thinks she’s staring at his scars. The truth is a little more complicated than that.

the heart is hard to translate*: Sometimes it’s not the first kiss that’s the problem.

Dark*: Morgana Amell really, really hates the Deep Roads. Alistair makes things less awful.

Admission: AU. Near-death experiences and love confessions.

A Blessing*: Morgana is really, really glad to be out of the Deep Roads. Wet shirts, sad Chantry pasts and near love confessions.

Right*: Morgana, Alistair and their first time, or: awkward virgins panicking about being awkward virgins. Far safer for work than you’d think.

This: An NSFW “deleted scene.” Morgana, Alistair and their first time - with the actual first time included rather than just implied.

things you never said at all: He nearly said it so many times, the words at the tip of his tongue. (Fluffier than it sounds.)

Hate: She called it hate at first, because hate was simpler. Or: a templar-phobic mage finds herself falling in love and panics.

Morgana attempts to give a squirmy Alistair a massage

Superstition*: So fluffy it’s been banned in several countries for causing tooth decay. Leliana says that you can tell a lot about a person from how they sleep. Morgana and Alistair confirm her theory completely, and yet neither of them is aware of it.

Sweet Dreams*: Leliana, Morgana, friendship and nightmares.

Shades of Red: Written for #sexlaughterhonesty Week 2015, though as safe for work as you can get when you’re writing about implied, er, intimate mishaps. As Morgana says: “It worked in The Rose of Orlais!”

Youth: ff.net, 2011. Teagan and observing Morgana/Alistair.

things you said when you thought i was asleep: What it says on the tin, pretty much.

Hindsight: Miserable Ultimate Sacrifice AU drabble for a prompt. Alistair reflecting on grief.

An unsent letter: Sort-of AU. More miserable Ultimate Sacrifice AU.

Post-Blight

Epic: ff.net, 2011. In which Morgana and Alistair discover bad fanfic about themselves. Yup, really.

Post-Awakening

Subtlety: Do the Wardens actually have rules about “caboodling”? Well, neither Morgana nor Alistair knows. A reunion at Vigil’s Keep, and trying to keep their relationship quiet.

Nearly: A close call and some tears. For the prompt: “Person A, the more stoic/serious of the two, treating a severe injury that Person B sustained. Person B notices A’s hands shaking and tries to crack a joke, which only serves to send Person A bursting into tears over nearly losing B.”

Fresh Meat: A Vigil’s Keep Warden lays down the ground rules.

Crossroads:  She finds her phylactery in Denerim.

First Edition: “What do you mean you dropped my signed copy of Harry Potter in the bathtub” AU

Inquisition and onwards

Endings: An old piece, rewritten. What could have been and what could be. Morgana, Alistair and nine endings to their story.

things you said when you were scared: Post-Inquisition, Alistair remembers the Nightmare.

AUs

Me too: AU. For the prompt: “I can’t do this anymore.” In which two lonely escapee kids meet.

perchance to dream: The Sleeping Beauty AU no-one asked for. Where the sleeping beauty is a six-foot-something man. Yup.

Square One: AU. Amnesia promptfic drabble for “Who are you? Where am I? What is this? WHAT IS GOING ON?!”

A Moment: AU.Written for an OTP Prompt: “Person A has died. Person B gets sent on an adventure that sends them a few years back in the past. Once their mission is complete they are about to go back to the present. But right before they go, they see their past self meeting person A and they stay a little longer to watch.” Morgana and a meeting at Ostagar.

Give & Take: AU. The Bookworm Amell Squad returns, i.e., I steal @nanahuatli’s Sayanee Amell and let her torment Morgana.

Lost & Found: AU. Dragon Age 2. A fix-it fic for the drunk!Alistair ending. Amell turns up at The Hanged Man.

on the underground: Modern AU. The “I had to take the bus to comic con dressed in full knight regalia please stop laughing at me” AU, with a few changes.

this is my truth, now tell me yours (WIP): An AU in which, rather than being the Warden, Morgana is the grumpiest companion ever. She still ends up falling in love with Alistair. No-one is surprised. Part 1 | 2 | 3

Misunderstanding: Alternate take/deleted scene from this is my truth. Awkward, quiet love confessions, because these two can never seem to Spit It Out.

the weight of water: AU oneshot. Someone asked me to write Morgana and Alistair in an AU where he was crowned and there was a sort of semi-tragic reunion. Lots of duty and angst, so on. (There’s a happy ending. It just takes a while.)

F!Trevelyan/Cullen, Dragon Age Inquisition onwards. Began 2015. The adventures of Yvaine Trevelyan: good mage, awful comedian, bane of Cullen Rutherford’s life. Stories about my dorky purple Cullen-mancing Inquisitor.

An Unquenchable Flame

The main fic, on AO3. 43k+.  

She winces and tries desperately to correct people when they call her “Herald”. If he were a crueller man, he’d find it amusing.

A cynical, awkward mage who lost her faith a long time ago, a worn-down ex-templar and an unlikely friendship. The Inquisitor and her commander, through each other’s eyes and those of the Inquisition.

Accompanying drabbles:

Pre-Inquisition

Pink: Tiny pre-Inquisition drabble. Yvaine and her first love.

Haven

Notes on “the Herald”: Cullen’s observations about Yvaine.

Skyhold

Tradition: AU. Christmas/”Satinalia” drabble. Yvaine, Cullen and a mistletoe kiss. Before they got together. Well, this will be awkward/fun.

“Oh, just digging myself a nice grave, you?” Promptfic. AU. Yvaine, Cullen and accidentally overheard love confessions.

Birdsong: Yvaine, Cullen, and an episode of sparrows. Also some pining, and thoughts on finding your home.

Light: The Inquisitor has nightmares, too.

“I think I may have found a song that accurately describes how I feel toward you.” - Fluff.

Thud: Very silly modern AU written for an AU prompt of “we always run into each other on the stairs but we’ve never said more than hello but when we found out that we both hate the other neighbours, we became friends”.

we are full of stories to be told - Or: Yvaine and the tales that don’t go into her reports.

Of Gifts: Someone’s leaving Cullen flowers.

Five minutes: Yvaine’s thoughts on Skyhold. For a flash fic challenge

”You’re awful. I love it.” Prompt drabble. Yvaine, Cullen and bitching about nobles.

Post-Inquisition

“I love you” - said in a way I can’t return: Bleak AU where the Mark killed Yvaine in Trespasser. Look, I did say bleak.

Sunset/Hats: Prompt drabbles.

Post-Trespasser

There Are Days: Post-Trespasser.Yvaine tries to deal with the loss of the Mark and her arm. Cullen helps.

The Canticle of Shartan: Post-Trespasser. “But what do we call him? Not Dog. Dog is a function, not a name.”

Satinalia (Unfinished): AKA: “An Unquenchable Flame, The Christmas Special.”

“I love you" - Broken, as you clutch the sleeve of my jacket and beg me not to leave: Speculative post-Trespasser/DA4 angst.

AUs

Six Things That Never Happened: A set of AUs for what could have happened instead of Inquisition.

no sea left for me: Vaguely mermaid-inspired first meeting AU. With no actual mermaids.

M!Trevelyan/Dorian, Dragon Age Inquisition onwards. Began 2016. Shield Raised is a series of drabbles about my stoic, awkward Trevelyan, Gal, and his romance with Dorian. a.k.a., “A Marcher nearly-templar, a Tevinter altus, and a slow understanding.” The Inquisition-era ones (though not the pre- and post-game ones) are collected on AO3 here.

Pre-Inquisition

sans peur et sans reproche: Basically, Gal’s angsty backstory. Chantries, angry young men and controlling mothers.

Haven

Rejection:The Herald has barely spoken since he arrived. (Josephine, Gal and the beginning of a tentative friendship.)

Futures: Dorian thinks the supposed Herald of Andraste is rather… odd.

The Measure: Dorian, Gal and a slow understanding. Also Dorian working out. Because apparently that’s important?

Drinking with the Tevinter: The Inquisition isn’t happy having someone from the Imperium in its ranks. Gal feels rather differently.

Questions and Answers: Gal gets upset and a bit drunk and finally opens up about his past. That’s pretty much it.

pictures in the snow: The attack on Haven and Gal’s apparent death.

Skyhold

Crossing: Turns out Gal’s alive. Cue Skyhold, UST and a step forwards.

Sweet Nothing: The companions attempt to be helpful because the UST is getting painful to watch. Gal and Dorian do not appreciate it, but it gives them food for thought.

Liminal: Dorian tries to deal with being chucked into the Fade, and then with his father, and lines are crossed. Angsty as hell, even by Shield Raised standards.

Out Of My Head: Post-Last Resort Of Good Men. Dorian gets drunk, tries not to snog Gal and is homesick.

Answers: In which they finally spit it out. Only took them 21k.

Attachment: Some fluff, some angst, some snogging. In the aftermath of That Kiss, Gal and Dorian try to work out what this thing between them is.

Truths: Homesickness, making out, and Dorian playing the “what, of course I’m not falling for him, what do you mean I called him amatus, I don’t even know what that means” game.

Promises: “Wishing but wondering, wounded and wistful. What if he doesn’t want me after?” A seduction, and Dorian waiting to get his heart broken. As usual.

the light of day: In which all the companions have an opinion. Of course.

Chess: Gal gets trounced at chess by a twelve-year-old. Oh, and he and Irene talk about happiness.

Pretexts:  SFW, despite subject matter. Gal attempts to find time to do some “paperwork.” Said paperwork has a moustache.

Gifts, and surprises: Two short drabbles for the prompts “Did you do this?” and “So uh. I noticed you’re kinda naked. Is that intentional, or… ?” Gal and Dorian attempt to be spontaneous, with varying levels of success.

Sers: SFW, but written for #sexlaughterhonesty Week and the theme “coitus interruptus”. In which a messenger is privy to too much.

A Request: Short snippet. Josephine and Gal, pre-Winter Palace.

Formality: Why they got scruffy!Gal at Halamshiral, despite Josephine’s wishes.

A letter found on the Inquisitor’s desk: For the Dragon Age 100 prompt “Family.” Gal and an old friend from the Chantry days.

The Golden Floor: Halamshiral fluff, and why dancing can sometimes be an act of bravery.

Kohl: The adventures of Gal and Dorian and their battles with eyeliner. Does a little bit of timeline-hopping.

Mornings: On waking up together and Gal’s ridiculously large bed.

Mutual Domesticity: “You didn’t think I lived in leathers, did you?”

Dignity: Gal's battles with the Helm of the Inquisitor and the right of  prima sandwicha. Rampant plotless fluff.

Ironically, Zombie Spider: Pretty much what it says on the tin. Dorian really, really needs to stop with the idle magic experiments... Argyle's debut in canon.

“So if Gal’s ‘amatus’, what does he call you?” Very short headcanon drabble thing.

Post-game

A Problem: Spans from shortly after their meeting to post-game. About 7k. Dorian and his struggles with The Dreaded L Word.

“I love you” - said loudly, so everyone can hear

The Trespasser hair: Short, silly headcanon drabble.

Post-Trespasser

Depth Over Distance: Gal, Dorian and managing the long-distance thing. Partly epistolary. Also, the return of Erren.

The Trespasser hair, part two: Gal has opinions on long-haired Dorian.

“I love you” - said as a thank you

Pain: Gal gets another tattoo. Dorian has… thoughts on it. Written for a Dragon Age 100 Challenge prompt.

A Question: What it says on the tin.

AUs

it’s running you with red: A short, miserable red-templar!Gal drabble.

Birthright (AO3): Another of the not quite fairy tales: the Cinderella AU no-one asked for. In a world where things happened slightly differently, Dorian takes a masked ball as a chance to covertly investigate this Inquisition he’s heard so much about. It’s only one night. Not much can go wrong. Can it? (Spoiler: The answer is yes. Or it can go very, very right.)

“Omnia mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis.” (All things change, and we change with them.) For a prompt. In which a time travel experiment goes wrong and Dorian ends up meeting a very sad eighteen-year-old stuck-in-the-Chantry Gal.

Reprise: Or “the one where Gal freaks out and breaks up with Dorian in Trespasser because he is an idiot, and they have to sort things out nearly two years later.” Guessing it'll be an eight-parter (there is a lot of mess to sort out). Over at AO3 | On Tumblr: Part 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | Angsty extra drabble

Miniseries with recurring protagonists, multi-part fics, etc.

KOSH ADAAR/CASSANDRA

Frost: Kosh, Cassandra, scarf-knitting and UST. Just another day at the office.

Dark red: Kosh bakes for Cassandra.

Hesitation:  Cassandra notices it: sometimes there is a moment of hesitation before Kosh kisses her; a moment where he doesn’t quite pull her closer, his hand too gentle on her waist, his mouth too slow. Kosh, old scars and the perils of loving a human.

Cassandra and flower crowns

“I love you” - not said to me: Prompt drabble. Kosh Adaar, Cassandra and some accidental eavesdropping.

“Oh shit. Am I - Am I in love? That’s not supposed to be happening. That’s not right.”  Very short promptfic drabble.

Leaning: Kosh, Cassandra and stupid, stupid puns.

CROSSOVERS

Memory: Angst, AU. Prompted by this: “Oh maaan, the HoF finding the cure, marching off to find the Inquisitor. She doesn’t know about Alistair being left tho, so it’s all smiles and stuff and then, alright, enough chitchat where’s Alistair? Can you imagine the complete silence that follows. Cullen/Josie tryin’ to smooth things out maybe, Leliana bitting her lip…” Yvaine and Morgana… don’t meet in the best circumstances.

From the Underworld: The fix-it fic for Memory. Yvaine and Morgana mount a rescue mission to retrieve Alistair from the Fade. Angsty in places, disgustingly fluffy in others.

Wednesdays: Modern bookshop AU with Gal as Yvaine’s grumpy twin brother.

Selected Wednesdays: Crossover tying all the modern AU ficlets together and explaining a few gaps, spanningAn Unquenchable Flame verse, Shield Raised ‘verse, Armour ‘verse and whatever the hell Kosh’s ‘verse is. Features Yvaine/Cullen, Gal/Dorian, Morgana/Alistair and Kosh/Cassandra. Days in the life at Yvaine’s bookshop.

“Gal, what do you mean you’re marrying my best friend? I didn’t even think you were dating.”  Same AU as Wednesdays. Gal, Yvaine and a really awkward conversation. Retconned as of Selected Wednesdays, where Yvaine found out about Gal/Dorian much earlier, because her and Dorian’s friendship was too good and I couldn’t do that to them.

“Yeah uh - Yeah no, that sounds awful.” Yvaine, Dorian, Gal, and embarrassing childhood photos.

Crossovers: Some actual, ridiculous crossovers between Dragon Age and other canons. Featuring princess!Morgana, angel!Dorian and superKosh. Yeah, really. I don’t know either.

Tru’s characters go and pep-talk everyone else’s characters: Just that, really. With apologies to nanahuatli, aphreal42, withthebreezesblown and fanfoolishness.

C O R O N A

F!Tabris/Alistair, Origins AU. After the queen is killed at Ostagar, Grey Wardens Anora Mac Tir and Kallian Tabris are left to seek the widowed king’s aid in stopping the Blight.

Based on this post by the-champion-of-the-citadel: “Dragon Age AU where everything is the same except Anora is the bastard heir and the Gray Warden following you, and Alistair is the monarch’s widower.”

Part 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7

Irrevocable: An extra scene. Drabble for someone who prompted Kallian/Alistair, “things I wish you hadn’t said.” Tabris says something she shouldn’t have.

Fadewalking (F!Lavellan/Cullen):  The “Oops, I accidentally walked into your dreams and saw all your vulnerabilities and your screwed-up younger self, which is awkward because I barely know you, and I keep wandering through your memories, and now we’re bonding in the Fade but I can barely look at you in real life” AU. Part 1 | 2 | 3

VAS NORMANDY (John Shepard/Tali, Mass Effect 1 - 2)

Vas Normandy: John, Tali and trying to deal with difficult fathers.

Ad astra per aspera (“To the stars, through difficulties”): Promptfic.A skinny kid in the Tenth Street Reds called John, and becoming Shepard.

EVA SHEPARD (F!Shepard/Kaidan, Mass Effect 1 - 3):

Encore: Shepard and the Lazarus Project.

counting steps: Predictions and outcomes. Introspection, angst.

Drafts: Beginning of ME2. In an unsent message, Kaidan mourns.

Oneshots. Yes, they happen too. Sorry.

Slip of the Tongue (F!Lavellan/Cullen): In the heat of an argument, Cullen makes a surprising confession.

Masquerade (F!Lavellan x Alistair, post-Inquisition): Also known as “Tru reads As the World Falls Down and thinks too much.” A masquerade ball is held at the Fereldan palace to celebrate the closing of the Breach, and there Ellana Lavellan meets a mysterious stranger…

Love (M!Trevelyan x Dorian): It’s thrown about so much, that word, as if it’s just something simple and decorative. People have the sheer bloody arrogance to think that they know what it means. Dorian used to know, once. (This one’s not nearly as sad as it sounds.)

Compassion and Joy (F!Cousland x Alistair, post-Inquisition): Written for the prompt: “Imagine if King Alistair and the Queen reunite sometime in the future and Cole is there to hear their minds…I wonder how that would end up? I just wanna hear Cole speak about them haha pain aside”

Grace (Leliana x Marjolaine): Leliana and her lover, before betrayal and Blights. Pre-Origins, inspired by Leliana’s Song.

Innocence: Cullen, Amell and the demons of Kinloch Hold. Angst. Morgana is in this one if you squint.

Grounded (F!Brosca x Alistair): She runs her hands along walls and sometimes, when she’s sitting, she’ll lay her palms flat on the floor and close her eyes. It takes Alistair a long time to ask her why, and the answer surprises him. (Part of the Nat Brosca series.)

Rules (Bethany x Alistair): There are certain things she won’t let herself think about her commanding officer. Roughly 2k of Bethany/Alistair, trapped-in-a-storm and hurt/comfort for thinkdragonage.

Minted: A newly-crowned Alistair’s thoughts.

Rapport: Aveline finds out Cullen is leaving Kirkwall and has a word with him.

That time Cullen went on the Great British Bake-Off: Yes, it completely happened. Based on an excellent piece of fanart.

Happiness (Alistair x Warden):As a manAlistair looks back on his childhood, and wonders how the hell he got here.

things you said that i wasn’t meant to hear (F!Amell x Alistair): More accidental love confessions. Solona eavesdrops, and receives a very pleasant surprise.

Truths (F!Cousland x Alistair): Those Who Wait ‘verse. Alistair overhears Patience talking to Fergus, and discovers something he probably shouldn’t have. Or shouldn’t have yet, anyway.

Snow-Dragons:  Liss Cousland and Fergus.

Constellations (F!Cousland x Alistair): More Liss. Longish drabble written for a prompt on the kink meme: Asexual!Warden is affected by something everyone figures is sex pollen. Turns out the problem can actually be solved by platonic intimacy, because curses are contrary and nonspecific that way.

Other Stories (F!Hawke x Varric): Things between Varric and Bianca have come to an end. Hawke wonders why, and the answer surprises her.

Introductions: For a prompt. Morrigan, Kieran and Alistair, trying to understand each other and the mess they’re in. Can stand in or out of Armour ‘verse due to vagueness.

“HA! Loser!” - Sayanee Amell and unsanctioned uses of Fade Step. Pre-Blight.

Doglords together (F!Hawke x Anders): Marian, Anders and a surprise pasty.

Rare and wonderful (F!Mage x Alistair): In which elf!Alistair gives a lonely, curious apprentice a rose.

A chess match:  Dorian and Cullen, older, happy and trashtalking.

And… that’s it. No, I mean, that’s really it. There’s nothing else. We made it. Phew.