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mandareeboo · 4 years ago

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SU Music Rankings

Bc I can and I wanna start some Disk Horse rip. These are all in order of preference, with explanations, etc. It’s a long bitch. That said, I’m not counting little short jingles or small joke songs like Little Butler. This is the meat and potatoes of SU music- just under 30 songs. I might do the rest if people like my takes lol.

I scored it mostly on three bases- how dear it was to my heart, how much/often I relisten to it, and also what it means to the plot. That said, little fun songs don’t automatically go farther down than big, plot-heavy songs either! It’s a strange little balance.

Special Note: I don’t dislike any of this music! I love SU and that includes its bumps and glitches. I just pick favorite children lol.

1.) Change

Was there ever a more Steven moment than when he wiped the blood off his face and kissed it into sparkles? I think not.

If “Be Wherever You Are” is an ode to young Steven, then this is teen Steven’s. Talking about change, and how much and how little it can do. How he holds his arms up for Spinel to hug him, so trusting. How he seems able to just. Break into soft tears at will, and not to be manipulative- it’s just his kind nature. The warmth in his voice. Fuck yesssss.

2.) Change Your Mind

This song is only fifty five seconds and it’s EVERYTHING to me. It really felt like someone was speaking the words I’d always held deep inside of me, unsure of how to say. It feels like a goodbye to someone who never really loved me.

As much as I enjoyed Future, if this was the finale of SU, I would’ve been perfectly okay with that.

3.) Drift Away

This song gave me legitimate shivers the first time I heard it, and it still haunts me to this day. Spinel stayed, and waited, and all she got was a transmission thousands of years later. Fuck.

4.) Here We Are In The Future

THE MOVIE IS SU AS ITS BEST AND I WON’T BE SWAYED ON IT. Steven being a teen who loves his weird family but is growing just a bit sarcastic to their drama. The adorable love he and Connie share. His slow realization that he will always be working, always have things to do, is both somber and real. The Crystal Gems won’t be safe with one epic battle. They’ll be safe with years of hard work and love. HIS LITTLE HANDSHAKE WITH AMETHYST.

This is a helluva bop and a great way to summarize the main character’s backstories.

5.) Let’s Only Think About Love

Did ya’ll know that Zach Callison killed his throat with that last note? He gave his all for this performance in a vocal range he no longer comfortably do and by god did it SHINE. The FLAIR. The FORESHADOWING. All of the Gems all being awkward about Rose and Steven trying to bring them to the present. Peridot having a mini-existential crisis in a cute yellow dress. I love Zach Callison’s normal singing voice but man is that a fucking bop. Nothing will ever beat it.

6.) Here Comes A Thought

This bad boy helped me out a LOT with some mental issues I was dealing with in high school. I was unmedicated, unsupervised, and full of anxiety. I’d have break downs when I tried to speak about certain things. I couldn’t function. This song inspired me. It helped me feel okay with my intrusive thoughts.

And the episode! -chef’s kiss-. Once again bringing up the morally gray area of training child soldiers. Connie expanding her social group. Steven’s trauma hauling ass in that second half. The ANIMATION. Stevonnie’s gorgeous singing voice. GOD yes.

7.) It’s Over Isn’t It?

Just barely squeaking above Stronger Than You, this ballad is everything gorgeous. The whole episode is. I think Mr. Greg stands in the top five of my episodes for the entire show. It even got nominated!

There’s just so much about this song that I love. The gentle melancholy of Pearl’s voice. How the crew had to redo the shots for this bit bc Deedee went so fucking hard. The hard cuts between Pearl, remembering the love of her life, and Steven, who has begun to feel like he took her away. I’d recommend this song to anyone, regardless of what they do or don’t know about SU, simply bc it tugs so many heartstrings of love, loss, and responsibility.

8.) Stronger Than You

Did you realize this episode aired SEVEN years ago? This bitch was what got me into SU! Hearing about Ruby and Sapphire made my little gay heart so happy inside, and then getting a whole song confirming that they were a couple, that their love powered the strongest Gem on the team? Aaaaaaaaa

To this DAY I get excited when I hear Estelle start singing. This song is timeless. This song will live in media history. God I fucking love this song.

9.) Other Friends

I’m not the biggest musical person, so I hadn’t heard of Sarah Stiles before her casting as Spinel, but JESUS CHRIST the lady went hard. She went SO fucking hard. Sarah Stiles started on 100 and somehow just kept CLIMBING. You can just hear the sheer manic energy building in her voice, the anger and resentment. 10/10 Sarah Stiles is a queen.

10.) Independent Together

This made the list entirely bc the crew was like “you’re gonna get a himbo ass Steven-Greg fusion singing with Opal while Garnet flies across the moon on Lion while floating” and I am forever thankful to them for it

11.) Who We Are

Bismuth deserved more songs. ‘Nuff said.

12.) Peace and Love (On the Planet Earth)

It Could’ve been Great is EASILY one of my favorite s2 episodes. I love the entire concept of this song. Of Steven making music to reflect how much Earth means to him and his family. Of him teaching Peridot some self-care. Also Peridot’s singing voice is really cute and squeaky.

I know it’s silly, but I would’ve really enjoyed a flip around of this in Future! Like Peridot reminding Steven how much he loves music, that he needs to take time to relax for himself, maybe with a new verse or just a remix of the original song!

13.) Something Entirely New

I watched this episode as it aired, and I legitimately almost cried. I love Charlyne Yi’s voice so much ya’ll- her raspy, not perfect singing voice against Sapphire’s deep soothing lull is great.

And to have Ruby and Sapphire’s meeting be the way it was- for Ruby to bemoan Sapphire losing Homeworld, to being stuck with a single Ruby, while Sapphire is a noble who has always been taught everyone in her “caste” is vitally important (and has, in her own mind, taken that to mean every Gem, as she should) and how they come together and make each other happy. Good shit good shit.

14.) I’m Just a Comet

The fact that Greg’s music career never really blasted off pisses me off to this day bc Tom Scharpling’s voice is fucking BUTTER. Also the song really feels like a jab at his parents now that we know the kind of dynamic he had growing up. “This life in the stars if all I’ve ever known” is definitely him wiping away their existence after reminding them (and himself) the things they used to say about him.

15.) Do It For Her

This episode. This fucking episode. This episode got me permanently hooked on SU. I’d just binged season 1 and was kinda meh about it overall after the bop of Stronger Than You. “Oh,” I thought to myself, foolishly, “I’ll probably just casually watch this from time to time.”

Like three days later Sworn to the Sword aired and that was it. I was hooked! Pearl’s gentle training song turning darker and darker, Connie’s accompaniment from nervous to determined to fully into such a toxic mindset. The fact that SU had the BALLS to discuss the repercussions of training child soldiers, now and later. This episode was everything to me, STILL is everything to me.

Six years and well over 100 fanfics written later, I think it’s safe to say this show swallowed me whole and never let go.

16.) System/Boot.pearl_final(3)

I debated putting this on the list because it’s not anything crazy important, just a way to show things are Wrong, but I had to do it entirely bc Pearl is so damn SALTY.

Like telling us about the Gems makes sense, she felt like she was given a duty, but she went so damn petty. WHY is that Ruby alone. Gross. This Amethyst is a trash dump. Wtf are you people.

17.) Full Disclosure

This episode really feels like a turning point for SU. Before, the show had its dark moments- but now we’re in the thick of it, and it’s not going away. Full Disclosure felt like an rebuff to the idea of returning to any normal we’d established in season 1. Gems are actually a giant species now. Gems tried to kill us now. There’s this Yellow Diamond bitch who got namedropped. Something about a Cluster.

The song itself is BALLER, with its ingenious use of Steven’s ringtone and photos as he tries to decide whether to clue in Connie on all this nonsense. Meanwhile we, the audience, already know damn well Connie about to yeet some common sense into him.

18.) What’s the Use of Feeling Blue?

I’mma admit it- I’m a Yellow Diamond stan. I’ve always loved her- her anger, her poise, her hardworking nature. I actively argued against the “Yellow Shattered Pink” theories back in the day. But, man, when this arc leaked? I got so overexcited I was too jittery to watch it for like two days. It’s easily my favorite arc of the series. The sheer alien nature of the zoo, the Famethyst, and absolutely Patti Lupone’s beautiful ballad. Goddamn. Yellow singing to Blue to try and help her regain her old status, the warble in her voice as she reminds Blue she misses Pink too, the movement of the bubbles as she talks about attack. It gives me shivers to this day. FUCK.

19.) Tower of Mistakes

This is, fun fact, that only SU song I have completely memorized. The story itself is kinda funny! See, we lost internet at my house for a solid 5 to 6 months when these episodes aired, so I only got a very brief window to view them all. But this was the first Amethyst song in a long while, and I didn’t want to forget it! So I keep replaying it in my head for ages. And that’s still definitely a thing.

Anyway will never not be sad that this entire song was about making it up to Garnet for Amethyst’s perceived slights with Sugilite (which was a two-way road), only for Garnet to pressure her into fusion later when pissed and never discuss it again bc Garnet probably never thought twice about it and Amethyst has the emotional openness of a clam that’s just been told its ugly. Helluva way to make someone feel like shit, G. Helluva way to bottle that shit, Ames.

20.) On the Run

I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Amethyst! Needed! More! Songs!

The dichotomy between Steven’s play and Amethyst’s honest desire to run away from home is so well-done, especially when you consider a lot of Steven and Amethyst’s actions are playing together. The song is also near and dear to me simply bc it’s my favorite Amethyst episode to exist (well, maybe second to What’s Your Problem, but not by much). Moments like these are all the proof I need that they were right to fuse first.

21.) Be Wherever You Are

This tune really just feels like an ode to who Steven was as a kid. Trapped on an island with no way home, and he’s just happy to be with his friends. The stars are beautiful and not oppressive. Also that one animatic with Lars and the Off Colors playing in the Homeworld Kindergarten to this music was iconic and made this song get stuck in my head for a solid month.

22.) Familiar

I ADORE how the crew use bright neon colors to show how alien Homeworld can be. And Steven recognizing that the Diamonds treat him how the CGs used to, and how prepared he is to “fix” a broken family. It’s a soft, gentle tune about melancholy. Also the Pebbles are beautiful.

23.) Let Me Drive My Van Into Your Heart

Such a cute little love ballad, but every time I listen to it now I just imagine the heart attack Rose must’ve had at the line “And if we look out of place/Well, baby, that's okay/I'll drive us into outer space.” like there’s a Vietnam war flashback if I ever heard one

24.) What Can I Do?

I’m kind of neutral on this one? Rose and Greg both have great voices, but the song itself lacks many lyrics. I think it was definitely a good way to show Rose’s flaws in thinking.

Also, I’m shocked they managed cram that much vaguely sexual innuendo into two minutes, followed by how Not Hetereo that dance between Rose and Pearl was, and not get their asses chewed by it. You go guys.

25.) Cookie Cat

I love a lot of the vibes this song has. The lyrics are so damn prophetic, but they also sound like the kind of weird 90s commercials I grew up on. It’s been like two decades since I saw the Shirley Temple commercial but I’ll be damned if I don’t remember “Animals crackers in my soup! Monkey and rabbits loop-de-loop.”

26.) Giant Woman

I am. NOT the biggest fan of Steven’s original singing voice. I feel bad saying that, since it was just Zach Callison as a kid, but he never jived well with me for some reason. So I wouldn’t listen to this on the fly.

The song itself is still really good though, with all sorts of fun animation of Amethyst and Pearl being bitchy to each other. It’s a bit sad in hindsight to see tiny Steven trying to get his moms to get along. Ahh, season 1.

27.) Strong in the Real Way

This song has SUCH a strong start. Pearl reflecting on Sugilite’s problems, but the show making sure to show us that Pearl’s lack of enthusiasm towards her also lends itself to jealousy as well as just general malaise. How much she cares about Steven, and wants him to grow up strong.

And then Steven just kinda. Ruins it? I appreciate his enthusiasm for tryna bulk up but to take what was starting as such a rich, personal song and broadcasting it to random strangers just makes me a bit sad. Almost a bit angry on her behalf?

28.) That Distant Shore

I KNOW this is gonna create some discourse, but I’m just not the biggest Lapis stan. I love her voice. I love the visuals of the song. And I get why she felt afraid and needed to flee.

But Lapis never got to take responsibility for her own actions. And, in the end, the song feels hollow to me- because we all know she’ll never talk to anyone about it, know she’ll burst back in and destroy the barn, and no one will ever question it. I like Lapis a lot, but I feel like her arc never was fully finished. She never got help. She never learned to feel safe.

29.) Dear Old Dad

I’ve yet to meet a single human being who likes this episode tbh. There’s some great discussion about what kind of parent Greg is from it, and what kind of dynamic he has with the Gems that he felt he had to fake an injury to hang out with his son. Honestly the first half was fine and dandy. It’s just that then they Greg just went out of his way to drag Steven away from missions and such. It never jived well with his character before or after.

Also, is it just me, or does Zach himself sound like he hates the song as he sings it? There’s no passion or heart in his voice. It sounds like they told him to read off cue cards and he did. Tom Scharpling’s best attempts didn’t save this one for being a skipper. But the episode, unfortunately, isn’t, so it gets a spot on here.

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anextraordinarymuse · 4 years ago

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Thoughts on WCTH (and specifically Nathan, and Nathan/Elizabeth)

So, I’ve seen a few people say that Nathan is the new Jack and, while there are certainly many similarities there, they are also very different people. Here’s my take on these characters: (a little comparison if you will):

Nathan is more reserved than Jack was, both as a person and as a suitor for Elizabeth. He’s slower to share what he’s feeling and plays things close to the vest

Nathan is not driven to be a Mountie the way Jack was. He takes pride in being a Mountie, and he has a very protective nature, but I don’t think it means as much to Nathan as it did to Jack. Both Jack and Nathan became Mounties because of their fathers, but one did so to be like his father and one did so to prove that he wasn’t like his father (at least, that’s my take on it so far).

Both Nathan and Jack were raised by single mothers and lost significant family members. While both became responsible men that cared for others at an early age (Jack cared for his brother and kept him out of trouble, Nathan took over Allie’s parenting), this literally forced Nathan to become a parent unexpectedly. I also think it’s worth noting that while Jack could be serious, his personality remained fairly playful and young-ish. Not so with Nathan. I think Nathan leans more toward a serious personality naturally, and this was only heightened by his youth and taking on Allie. He has playful moments, but I think he’s naturally quieter, more serious, and more reserved. Notably, the lighter side of his personality is brought out most by Allie and Elizabeth.

Jack’s first sense of duty was to the Mounties - Nathan’s first sense of duty is to Allie. I think this is important because it highlights an interesting difference in their characters. I think both men were men of service, but they viewed that service differently. I kind of feel like Jack wanted to be a hero, whereas Nathan just wants to be a family man. This ties in to the loss of their fathers, I think: Jack wanted to save people and fight the good fight, like his dad, whereas Nathan wants to be the dad he didn’t have and care for his family the way his father failed to care for him. Jack and Nathan definitely represent the because of/in spite of argument (and I think that’s a pointed and deliberate choice).

Jack was young and made silly, youthful mistakes with Elizabeth (like sometimes saying the wrong thing and accidentally insulting her). He and Elizabeth were also very young when they met, and their relationship was characterized by that youthful and just- figuring-it-out dynamic of a first love. Juxtapose that with Nathan, who is just honest to god awkward. He’s not shy, exactly, but he’s kind of gun-shy and quiet and takes a long time to open up. He’s hesitant. Once he decides to open up he’s more forward and honest, but he’s definitely one for the more “subtle and steady” way of things. We see this most with Elizabeth (Lucas starts chasing her pretty quickly, but Nathan really hesitates with it even though we can clearly see he wants to for a quite a while before he does, and don’t even get me started on all of his failed attempts to just ask her to dinner), but we do see it with Allie as well. Remember, Allie was frustrated with Nathan because he wouldn’t tell her anything about her grandfather. Anyway, even when Nathan does start to open up to Elizabeth, he’s kind of awkward with it. Lucas is the smoother of the two, but I would argue that Nathan is the more open and vulnerable when he finally decides to be. I would also say that Jack was smoother than Nathan, but no less earnest and sincere. Of course, we can’t discount the fact that Jack did not have the barriers to Elizabeth and a possible relationship with her that Nathan does.

Nathan. Is. SO. PATIENT. That’s not to say that Jack and Lucas weren’t/aren’t also patient, this is mostly just a moment of appreciation for how patient Nathan is, because damn.

There is a seriousness in Nathan that is sort of a mirror to the seriousness that Elizabeth has inherited. What I mean by that is that both Nathan and Elizabeth have experienced some defining losses, so they naturally understand one another on points of sadness. This is highlighted early on by their little excursion into the woods to find a Christmas tree when they discuss the difficulties of being single parents when they didn’t intend to be. This didn’t really exist between Jack and Elizabeth.

Nathan is not as openly warm as Jack. He talks less and seems to make friends slower than Jack did (this is kind of highlighted when Nathan first comes to town and everyone gives him a bit of cold greeting/slow welcome). Nathan is as warm and thoughtful as Jack was, but he’s slower to show it and more careful with it. I can’t resist noting here that Nathan’s shows of affection and endearment are much simpler and less showy than Lucas’s. He’s not one for big displays of affection, but more the steady, sweet, everyday shows of affection. In my opinion, Lucas and Nathan are a split of Jack here because I think Jack was pretty middle of the road in this. Jack’s grand displays of romance were some of my absolute favorite moments in the show (HELLO candlelit walk to the church and proposal oh MAH GAWD). But, Jack also displayed a lot of quiet and humble signs of affection that I think we see more in Nathan now (Jack fixing the drawing of her comet, painting that backdrop for her, building the schoolhouse; so far we’ve mostly seen this with Nathan and the wood sign he makes for Elizabeth and the library, but also in the sweetness of how he pays attention to what she says and listening to her advice).

Anyway, I could keep going but this post would just devolve into a Nathan appreciation post (which I might make next because I have so many thoughts about it). There’s probably more that I’m missing or have forgotten to include, so feel free to add to this!

#wcth #nathan grant #nathan x elizabeth #Jess' thoughts #Jess's thoughts #I can't remember how I tagged that one originally #a short jack and nathan comparison #because they are very similar but definitely not the same

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ahouseoflies · 4 years ago

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The Best Films of 2020

I can’t tell you anything novel or insightful about this year that has been stolen from our lives. I watched zero of these films in a theater, and I watched most of them half-asleep in moments that I stole from my children. Don’t worry, there are some jokes below.

GARBAGE

93. Capone (Josh Trank)- What is the point of this dinner theater trash? It takes place in the last year of Capone's life, when he was released from prison due to failing health and suffered a stroke in his Florida home. So it covers...none of the things that make Al Capone interesting? It's not historically accurate, which I have no problem with, but if you steer away from accuracy, then do something daring and exciting. Don't give me endless scenes of "Phonse"--as if the movie is running from the very person it's about--drawing bags of money that promise intrigue, then deliver nothing in return.

That being said, best "titular character shits himself" scene since The Judge.

92. Ammonite (Francis Lee)- I would say that this is the Antz to Portrait of a Lady on Fire's A Bug's Life, but it's actually more like the Cars 3 to Portrait of a Lady on Fire's Toy Story 1.

91. Ava (Tate Taylor)- Despite the mystery and inscrutability that usually surround assassins, what if we made a hitman movie but cared a lot about her personal life? Except neither the assassin stuff nor the family stuff is interesting?

90. Wonder Woman 1984 (Patty Jenkins)- What a miscalculation of what audiences loved about the first and wanted from the sequel. WW84 is silly and weightless in all of the ways that the first was elegant and confident. If the return of Pine is just a sort of phantom representation of Diana's desires, then why can he fly a real plane? If he is taking over another man's soul, then, uh, what ends up happening to that guy? For that matter, why is it not 1984 enough for Ronald Reagan to be president, but it is 1984 enough for the president to have so many Ronald Reagan signifiers that it's confusing? Why not just make a decision?

On paper, the me-first values of the '80s lend themselves to the monkey's paw wish logic of this plot. You could actually do something with the Star Wars program or the oil crisis. But not if the setting is played for only laughs and the screenplay explains only what it feels like.

89. Babyteeth (Shannon Murphy)- In this type of movie, there has to be a period of the Ben Mendelsohn character looking around befuddled about the new arrangement and going, "What's this now--he's going to be...living with us? The guy who tried to steal our medication? This is crazy!" But that's usually ten minutes, and in this movie it's an hour. I was so worn out by the end.

88. You Should Have Left (David Koepp)- David Koepp wrote Jurassic Park, so he's never going to hell, but how dare he start caring about his own mystery at the hour mark. There's a forty-five minute version of this movie that could get an extra star from me, and there's a three-hour version of Amanda Seyfried walking around in athleisure that would get four stars from me. What we actually get? No thanks.

87. Black Is King (Beyonce, et al.)- End your association with The Lion King, Bey. It has resulted in zero bops.

ADMIRABLE FAILURES

86. Birds of Prey (And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn) (Cathy Yan)- There's nothing too dysfunctional in the storytelling or performances, but Birds of Prey also doesn't do a single thing well. I would prefer something alive and wild, even if it were flawed, to whatever tame belt-level formula this is.

85. The Turning (Floria Sigismondi)- This update of The Turn of the Screw pumps the age of Miles up to high school, which creates some horny creepiness that I liked. But the age of the character also prevents the ending of the novel from happening in favor of a truly terrible shrug. I began to think that all of the patience that the film showed earlier was just hesitance for its own awful ending.

I watched The Turning as a Mackenzie Davis Movie Star heat check, and while I'm not sure she has the magnetism I was looking for, she does have a great teacher voice, chastening but maternal.

84. Bloodshot (David Wilson)- A whole lot of Vin Diesel saying he's going to get revenge and kill a bunch of dudes; not a whole lot of Vin Diesel actually getting revenge and killing a bunch of dudes.

83. Downhill (Nat Faxon and Jim Rash)- I was an English major in college, which means I ended up locking myself into literary theories that, halfway through the writing of an essay, I realized were flawed. But rather than throw out the work that I had already proposed, I would just keep going and see if I could will the idea to success.

So let's say you have a theory that you can take Force Majeure by Ruben Ostlund, one of the best films of its year, and remake it so that its statement about familial anxiety could apply to Americans of the same age and class too...if it hadn't already. And maybe in the first paragraph you mess up by casting Will Ferrell and Julia Louis-Dreyfus, people we are conditioned to laugh at, when maybe this isn't that kind of comedy at all. Well, don't throw it away. You can quote more--fill up the pages that way--take an exact shot or scene from the original. Does that help? Maybe you can make the writing more vigorous and distinctive by adding a character. Is that going to make this baby stand out? Maybe you could make it more personal by adding a conclusion that is slightly more clever than the rest of the paper?

Or perhaps this is one you're just not going to get an A on.

82. Hillbilly Elegy (Ron Howard)- I watched this melodrama at my mother's encouragement, and, though I have been trying to pin down her taste for decades, I think her idea of a successful film just boils down to "a lot of stuff happens." So in that way, Ron Howard's loss is my gain, I guess.

There is no such thing as a "neutral Terminator."

81. Relic (Natalie Erika James)- The star of the film is Vanessa Cerne's set decoration, but the inert music and slow pace cancel out a house that seems neglected slowly over decades.

80. Buffaloed (Tanya Wexler)- Despite a breathless pace, Buffaloed can't quite congeal. In trying to split the difference between local color hijinks and Moneyballed treatise on debt collection, it doesn't commit enough to either one.

Especially since Zoey Deutch produced this one in addition to starring, I'm getting kind of worried about boo's taste. Lot of Two If by Seas; not enough While You Were Sleepings.

79. Like a Boss (Miguel Arteta)- I chuckled a few times at a game supporting cast that is doing heavy lifting. But Like a Boss is contrived from the premise itself--Yeah, what if people in their thirties fell out of friendship? Do y'all need a creative consultant?--to the escalation of most scenes--Why did they have to hide on the roof? Why do they have to jump into the pool?

The movie is lean, but that brevity hurts just as much as it helps. The screenplay knows which scenes are crucial to the development of the friendship, but all of those feel perfunctory, in a different gear from the setpieces.

To pile on a bit: Studio comedies are so bare bones now that they look like Lifetime movies. Arteta brought Chuck & Buck to Sundance twenty years ago, and, shot on Mini-DV for $250,000, it was seen as a DIY call-to-bootstraps. I guarantee that has more setups and locations and shooting days than this.

78. Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga (David Dobkin)- Add Dan Stevens to the list of supporting players who have bodied Will Ferrell in his own movie--one that he cared enough to write himself.

Like Downhill, Ferrell's other 2020 release, this isn't exactly bad. It's just workmanlike and, aside from the joke about Demi Lovato's "uninformed" ghost, frustratingly conventional.

77. The Traitor (Marco Bellochio)- Played with weary commitment by Pierfrancesco Favino, Tomasso Buscetta is "credited" as the first informant of La Cosa Nostra. And that sounds like an interesting subject for a "based on a true story" crime epic, right? Especially when you find out that Buscetta became a rat out of principle: He believed that the mafia to which he had pledged his life had lost its code to the point that it was a different organization altogether.

At no point does Buscetta waver or even seem to struggle with his decision though, so what we get is less conflicted than that description might suggest. None of these Italian mob movies glorify the lifestyle, so I wasn't expecting that. But if the crime doesn't seem enticing, and snitching on the crime seems like forlorn duty, and everything is pitched with such underhanded matter-of-factness that you can't even be sure when Buscetta has flipped, then what are we left with? It was interesting seeing how Italian courts work, I guess?

76. Kajillionaire (Miranda July)- This is another movie so intent on building atmosphere and lore that it takes too long to declare what it is. When the protagonist hits a breaking point and has to act, she has only a third of a film to grow. So whispery too.

Gina Rodriguez is the one to inject life into it. As soon as her motormouth winds up, the film slips into a different gear. The atmosphere and lore that I mentioned reeks of artifice, but her character is believably specific. Beneath a basic exterior is someone who is authentically caring but still morally compromised, beholden to the world that the other characters are suspicious of.

75. Scoob! (Tony Cervone)- The first half is sometimes clever, but it hammers home the importance of friendship while separating the friends.

The second half has some positive messaging, but your kids' movie might have a problem with scale if it involves Alexander the Great unlocking the gates of the Underworld.

My daughter loved it.

74. The Lovebirds (Michael Showalter)- If I start talking too much about this perfectly fine movie, I end up in that unfair stance of reviewing the movie I wanted, not what is actually there.* As a fan of hang-out comedies, I kind of resent that any comedy being made now has to be rolled into something more "exciting," whether it's a wrongfully accused or mistaken identity thriller or some other genre. Such is the post-Game Night world. There's a purposefully anti-climactic note that I wish The Lovebirds had ended on, but of course we have another stretch of hiding behind boats and shooting guns. Nanjiani and Rae are really charming leads though.

*- As a New Orleanian, I was totally distracted by the fake aspects of the setting too. "Oh, they walked to Jefferson from downtown? Really?" You probably won't be bothered by the locations.

73. Sonic the Hedgehog (Jeff Fowler)- In some ways the storytelling is ambitious. (I'm speaking for only myself, but I'm fine with "He's a hedgehog, and he's really fast" instead of the owl mother, teleportation backstory. Not everything has to be Tolkien.) But that ambition doesn't match the lack of ambition in the comedy, which depends upon really hackneyed setups and structures. Guiding Jim Carrey to full alrighty-then mode was the best choice anyone made.

72. Malcolm & Marie (Sam Levinson)- The stars move through these long scenes with agility and charisma, but the degree of difficulty is just too high for this movie to reach what it's going for.

Levinson is trying to capture an epic fight between a couple, and he can harness the theatrical intensity of such a thing, but he sacrifices almost all of the nuance. In real life, these knock-down-drag-outs can be circular and indirect and sad in a way that this couple's manipulation rarely is. If that emotional truth is all this movie is trying to achieve, I feel okay about being harsh in my judgment of how well it does that.

71. Beanpole (Kantemir Balagov)- Elusive in how it refuses to declare itself, forthright in how punishing it is. The whole thing might be worth it for a late dinner scene, but I'm getting a bit old to put myself through this kind of misery.

70. The Burnt Orange Heresy (Giuseppe Capotondi)- Silly in good ways until it's silly in bad ways. Elizabeth Debicki remains 6'3".

69. Everybody’s Everything (Sebastian Jones and Ramez Silyan)- As a person who listened to Lil Peep's music, I can confidently say that this documentary is overstating his greatness. His death was a significant loss, as the interview subjects will all acknowledge, but the documentary is more useful as a portrait of a certain unfocused, rapacious segment of a generation that is high and online at all times.

68. The Witches (Robert Zemeckis)- Robert Zemeckis, Kenya Barris, and Guillermo Del Toro are the credited screenwriters, and in a fascinating way, you can see the imprint of each figure on the final product. Adapting a very European story to the old wives' tales of the American South is an interesting choice. Like the Nicolas Roeg try at this material, Zemeckis is not afraid to veer into the terrifying, and Octavia Spencer's pseudo witch doctor character only sells the supernatural. From a storytelling standpoint though, it seems as if the obstacles are overcome too easily, as if there's a whole leg of the film that has been excised. The framing device and the careful myth-making of the flashback make promises that the hotel half of the film, including the abrupt ending, can't live up to.

If nothing else, Anne Hathaway is a real contender for Most On-One Performance of the year.

67. Irresistible (Jon Stewart)- Despite a sort of imaginative ending, Jon Stewart's screenplay feels more like the declarative screenplay that would get you hired for a good movie, not a good screenplay itself. It's provocative enough, but it's clumsy in some basic ways and never evades the easy joke.

For example, the Topher Grace character is introduced as a sort of assistant, then is re-introduced an hour later as a polling expert, then is shown coaching the candidate on presentation a few scenes later. At some point, Stewart combined characters into one role, but nothing got smoothed out.

ENDEARING CURIOSITIES WITH BIG FLAWS

66. Yes, God, Yes (Karen Maine)- Most people who are Catholic, including me, are conflicted about it. Most people who make movies about being Catholic hate it and have an axe to grind. This film is capable of such knowing wit and nuance when it comes to the lived-in details of attending a high school retreat, but it's more concerned with taking aim at hypocrisy in the broad way that we've seen a million times. By the end, the film is surprisingly all-or-nothing when Christian teenagers actually contain multitudes.

Part of the problem is that Karen Maine's screenplay doesn't know how naive to make the Alice character. Sometimes she's reasonably naive for a high school senior in 2001; sometimes she's comically naive so that the plot can work; and sometimes she's stupid, which isn't the same as naive.

65. Bad Boys for Life (Adil El Arbi and Bilall Fallah)- This might be the first buddy cop movie in which the vets make peace with the tech-comm youngs who use new techniques. If that's the only novelty on display here--and it is--then maybe that's enough. I laughed maybe once. Not that the mistaken identity subplot of Bad Boys 1 is genius or anything, but this entry felt like it needed just one more layer to keep it from feeling as basic as it does. Speaking of layers though, it's almost impossible to watch any Will Smith movie now without viewing it through the meta-narrative of "What is Will Smith actually saying about his own status at this point in his career?" He's serving it up to us.

I derived an inordinate amount of pleasure from seeing the old school Simpson/Bruckheimer logo.

64. The Gentlemen (Guy Ritchie)- Look, I'm not going to be too negative on a movie whose crime slang is so byzantine that it has to be explained with subtitles. That's just me. I'm a simple man. But I can tell you that I tuned out pretty hard after seven or eight double-crosses.

The bloom is off the rose a bit for Ritchie, but he can still nail a music cue. I've been waiting for someone to hit "That's Entertainment" the way he does on the end credits.

63. Bad Hair (Justin Simien)- In Bad Hair, an African-American woman is told by her boss at a music video channel in 1989 that straightening her hair is the way to get ahead; however, her weave ends up having a murderous mind of its own. Compared to that charged, witty logline, the execution of the plot itself feels like a laborious, foregone conclusion. I'm glad that Simien, a genuinely talented writer, is making movies again though. Drop the skin-care routine, Van Der Beek!

62. Greyhound (Aaron Schneider)- "If this is the type of role that Tom Hanks writes for himself, then he understands his status as America's dad--'wise as the serpent, harmless as the dove'--even better than I thought." "America's Dad! Aye aye, sir!" "At least half of the dialogue is there for texture and authenticity, not there to be understood by the audience." "Fifty percent, Captain!" "The environment looks as fake as possible, but I eventually came around to the idea that the movie is completely devoid of subtext." "No subtext to be found, sir!"

61. Mank (David Fincher)- About ten years ago, the Creative Screenwriting podcast spent an hour or so with James Vanderbilt, the writer of Zodiac and nothing else that comes close, as he relayed the creative paces that David Fincher pushed him through. Hundreds of drafts and years of collaborative work eventuated in the blueprint for Fincher's most exacting, personal film, which he didn't get a writing credit on only because he didn't seek one.

Something tells me that Fincher didn't ask for rewrites from his dead father. No matter what visuals and performances the director can coax from the script--and, to be clear, these are the worst visuals and performances of his career--they are limited by the muddy lightweight pages. There are plenty of pleasures, like the slippery election night montage or the shakily platonic relationship between Mank and Marion. But Fincher hadn't made a film in six years, and he came back serving someone else's master.

60. Tesla (Michael Almereyda)- "You live inside your head." "Doesn't everybody?"

As usual, Almereyda's deconstructions are invigorating. (No other moment can match the first time Eve Hewson's Anne fact-checks something with her anachronistic laptop.) But they don't add up to anything satisfying because Tesla himself is such an opaque figure. Driven by the whims of his curiosity without a clear finish line, the character gives Hawke something enigmatic to play as he reaches deep into a baritone. But he's too inward to lend himself to drama. Tesla feels of a piece with Almereyda's The Experimenter, and that's the one I would recommend.

59. Vitalina Varela (Pedro Costa)- I can't oversell how delicately beautiful this film is visually. There's a scene in which Vitalina lugs a lantern into a church, but we get several seconds of total darkness before that one light source carves through it and takes over part of the frame. Each composition is as intricate as it is overpowering, achieving a balance between stark and mannered.

That being said, most of the film is people entering or exiting doors. I felt very little of the haunting loss that I think I was supposed to.

58. The Rhythm Section (Reed Morano)- Call it the Timothy Hutton in The General's Daughter Corollary: If a name-actor isn't in the movie much but gets third billing, then, despite whom he sends the protagonist to kill, he is the Actual Bad Guy.

Even if the movie serves up a lot of cliche, the action and sound design are visceral. I would like to see more from Morano.

57. Red, White and Blue (Steve McQueen)- Well-made and heartfelt even if it goes step-for-step where you think it will.

Here's what I want to know though: In the academy training sequence, the police cadets have to subdue a "berserker"; that is, a wildman who swings at their riot gear with a sledgehammer. Then they get him under control, and he shakes their hands, like, "Good angle you took on me there, mate." Who is that guy and where is his movie? Is this full-time work? Is he a police officer or an independent contractor? What would happen if this exercise didn't go exactly as planned?

56. Wolfwalkers (Tomm Moore and Ross Stewart)- The visuals have an unfinished quality that reminded me of The Tale of Princess Kaguya--the center of a flame is undrawn white, and fog is just negative space. There's an underlying symmetry to the film, and its color palette changes with mood.

Narratively, it's pro forma and drawn-out. Was Riley in Inside Out the last animated protagonist to get two parents? My daughter stuck with it, but she needed a lot of context for the religious atmosphere of 17th century Ireland.

55. What She Said: The Art of Pauline Kael (Rob Garver)- The film does little more than one might expect; it's limited in the way that any visual medium is when trying to sum up a woman of letters. But as far as education for Kael's partnership with Warren Beatty or the idea of The New Yorker paying her for only six months out of the year, it was useful for me.

Although Garver isn't afraid to point to the work that made Kael divisive, it would have been nice to have one or two interview subjects who questioned her greatness, rather than the crew of Paulettes who, even when they do say something like, "Sometimes I radically disagreed with her," do it without being able to point to any specifics.

54. Beastie Boys Story (Spike Jonze)- As far as this Spike Jonze completist is concerned, this is more of a Powerpoint presentation than a movie, Beastie Boys Story still warmed my heart, making me want to fire up Paul's Boutique again and take more pictures of my buddies.

53. Tenet (Christopher Nolan)- Cool and cold, tantalizing and frustrating, loud and indistinct, Tenet comes close to Nolan self-parody, right down to the brutalist architecture and multiple characters styled like him. The setpieces grabbed me, I'll admit.

Nolan's previous film, which is maybe his best, was "about" a lot and just happened to play with time; Tenet is only about playing with time.

PRETTY GOOD MOVIES

52. Shithouse (Cooper Raiff)- "Death is ass."

There's such a thing as too naturalistic. If I wanted to hear how college freshmen really talked, I would hang out with college freshmen. But you have to take the good verisimilitude with the bad, and good verisimilitude is the mother's Pod Save America t-shirt.

There are some poignant moments (and a gonzo performance from Logan Miller) in this auspicious debut from Cooper Raiff, the writer/director/editor/star. But the second party sequence kills some of the momentum, and at a crucial point, the characters spell out some motivation that should have stayed implied.

51. Totally Under Control (Alex Gibney, Ophelia Harutyunyan, Suzanne Hillinger)- As dense and informative as any other Gibney documentary with the added flex of making it during the pandemic it is investigating.

But yeah, why am I watching this right now? I don't need more reasons to be angry with Trump, whom this film calmly eviscerates. The directors analyze Trump's narcissism first through his contradictions of medical expertise in order to protect the economy that could win him re-election. Then it takes aim at his hiring based on loyalty instead of experience. But you already knew that, which is the problem with the film, at least for now.

50. Happiest Season (Clea Duvall)- I was in the perfect mood to watch something this frothy and bouncy. Every secondary character receives a moment in the sun, and Daniel Levy gets a speech that kind of saves the film at a tipping point.

I must say though: I wanted to punch Harper in her stupid face. She is a terrible romantic partner, abandoning or betraying Abby throughout the film and dissembling her entire identity to everyone else in a way that seems absurd for a grown woman in 2020. Run away, Kristen. Perhaps with Aubrey Plaza, whom you have more chemistry with. But there I go shipping and aligning myself with characters, which only proves that this is an effective romantic comedy.

49. The Way Back (Gavin O’Connor)- Patient but misshapen, The Way Back does just enough to overcome the cliches that are sort of unavoidable considering the genre. (I can't get enough of the parent character who, for no good reason, doesn't take his son's success seriously. "Scholarship? What he's gotta do is put his nose in them books! That's why I don't go to his games. [continues moving boxes while not looking at the other character] Now if you'll excuse me while I wait four scenes before showing up at a game to prove that I'm proud of him after all...")

What the movie gets really right or really wrong in the details about coaching and addiction is a total crap-shoot. But maybe I've said too much already.

48. The Whistlers (Corneliu Porumboiu)- Porumboiu is a real artist who seems to be interpreting how much surveillance we're willing to acknowledge and accept, but I won't pretend to have understood much of the plot, the chapters or which are told out of order. Sometimes the structure works--the beguiling, contextless "high-class hooker" sequence--but I often wondered if the film was impenetrable in the way that Porumboiu wanted it to be or impenetrable in the way he didn't.

To tell you the truth, the experience kind of depressed me because I know that, in my younger days, this film is the type of thing that I would re-watch, possibly with the chronology righted, knowing that it is worth understanding fully. But I have two small children, and I'm exhausted all the time, and I kind of thought I should get some credit for still trying to catch up with Romanian crime movies in the first place.

47. Borat Subsequent Moviefilm (Jason Woliner)- I laughed too much to get overly critical, but the film is so episodic and contrived that it's kind of exhausting by the end--even though it's achieving most of its goals. Maybe Borat hasn't changed, but the way our citizens own their ugliness has.

46. First Cow (Kelly Reichardt)- Despite how little happens in the first forty minutes, First Cow is a thoughtful capitalism parable. Even though it takes about forty minutes to get going, the friendship between Cookie and King-Lu is natural and incisive. Like Reichardt's other work, the film's modest premise unfolds quite gracefully, except for in the first forty minutes, which are uneventful.

45. Les Miserables (Ladj Ly)- I loved parts of the film--the disorienting, claustrophobic opening or the quick look at the police officers' home lives, for example. But I'm not sure that it does anything very well. The needle the film tries to thread between realism and theater didn't gel for me. The ending, which is ambiguous in all of the wrong ways, chooses the theatrical. (If I'm being honest, my expectations were built up by Les Miserables' Jury Prize at Cannes, and it's a bit superficial to be in that company.)

If nothing else, it's always helpful to see how another country's worst case scenario in law enforcement would look pretty good over here.

44. Bad Education (Cory Finley)- The film feels too locked-down and small at the beginning, so intent on developing the protagonist neutrally that even the audience isn't aware of his secrets. So when he faces consequences for those secrets, there's a disconnect. Part of tragedy is seeing the doom coming, right?

When it opens up, however, it's empathetic and subtle, full of a dry irony that Finley is already specializing in after only one other feature. Geraldine Viswanathan and Allison Janney get across a lot of interiority that is not on the page.

43. The Trip to Greece (Michael Winterbottom)- By the fourth installment, you know whether you're on board with the franchise. If you're asking "Is this all there is?" to Coogan and Brydon's bickering and impressions as they're served exotic food in picturesque settings, then this one won't sway you. If you're asking "Is this all there is?" about life, like they are, then I don't need to convince you.

I will say that The Trip to Spain seemed like an enervated inflection point, at which the squad could have packed it in. The Trip to Greece proves that they probably need to keep doing this until one of them dies, which has been the subtext all along.

42. Feels Good Man (Arthur Jones)- This documentary centers on innocent artist Matt Furie's helplessness as his Pepe the Frog character gets hijacked by the alt-right. It gets the hard things right. It's able to, quite comprehensively, trace a connection from 4Chan's use of Pepe the Frog to Donald Trump's near-assuming of Pepe's ironic deniability. Director Arthur Jones seems to understand the machinations of the alt-right, and he articulates them chillingly.

The easy thing, making us connect to Furie, is less successful. The film spends way too much time setting up his story, and it makes him look naive as it pits him against Alex Jones in the final third. Still, the film is a quick ninety-two minutes, and the highs are pretty high.

41. The Old Guard (Gina Prince-Bythewood)- Some of the world-building and backstory are handled quite elegantly. The relationships actually do feel centuries old through specific details, and the immortal conceit comes together for an innovative final action sequence.

Visually and musically though, the film feels flat in a way that Prince-Bythewood's other films do not. I blame Netflix specs. KiKi Layne, who tanked If Beale Street Could Talk for me, nearly ruins this too with the child-actory way that she stresses one word per line. Especially in relief with one of our more effortless actresses, Layne is distracting.

40. The Trial of the Chicago 7 (Aaron Sorkin)- Whenever Sacha Baron Cohen's Abbie Hoffman opens his mouth, the other defendants brace themselves for his dismissive vulgarity. Even when it's going to hurt him, he can't help but shoot off at the mouth. Of course, he reveals his passionate and intelligent depths as the trial goes on. The character is the one that Sorkin's screenplay seems the most endeared to: In the same way that Hoffman can't help but be Hoffman, Sorkin can't help but be Sorkin. Maybe we don't need a speech there; maybe we don't have to stretch past two hours; maybe a bon mot diffuses the tension. But we know exactly what to expect by now. The film is relevant, astute, witty, benevolent, and, of course, in love with itself. There are a handful of scenes here that are perfect, so I feel bad for qualifying so much.

A smaller point: Daniel Pemberton has done great work in the past (Motherless Brooklyn, King Arthur, The Man from U.N.C.L.E.), but the first sequence is especially marred by his sterile soft-rock approach.

GOOD MOVIES

39. Time (Garrett Bradley)- The key to Time is that it provides very little context. Why the patriarch of this family is serving sixty years in prison is sort of besides the point philosophically. His wife and sons have to move on without him, and the tragedy baked into that fact eclipses any notion of what he "deserved." Feeling the weight of time as we switch back and forth between a kid talking about his first day of kindergarten and that same kid graduating from dentistry school is all the context we need. Time's presentation can be quite sumptuous: The drone shot of Angola makes its buildings look like crosses. Or is it X's?

At the same time, I need some context. When director Garrett Bradley withholds the reason Robert's in prison, and when she really withholds that Fox took a plea and served twelve years, you start to see the strings a bit. You could argue that knowing so little about why, all of a sudden, Robert can be on parole puts you into the same confused shoes as the family, but it feels manipulative to me. The film is preaching to the choir as far as criminal justice goes, which is fine, but I want it to have the confidence to tell its story above board.

38. Bloody Nose, Empty Pockets (Turner Ross and Bill Ross IV)- I have a barfly friend whom I see maybe once a year. When we first set up a time to meet, I kind of dread it and wonder what we'll have to talk about. Once we do get together, we trip on each other's words a bit, fumbling around with the rhythm of conversation that we mastered decades ago. He makes some kind of joke that could have been appropriate then but isn't now.

By the end of the day, hours later, we're hugging and maybe crying as we promise each other that we won't wait as long next time.

That's the exact same journey that I went on with this film.

37. Underwater (William Eubank)- Underwater is a story that you've seen before, but it's told with great confidence and economy. I looked up at twelve minutes and couldn't believe the whole table had been set. Kristen plays Ripley and projects a smart, benevolent poise.

36. The Lodge (Veronika Franz and Severin Fiala)- I prefer the grounded, manicured first half to the more fantastic second half. The craziness of the latter is only possible through the hard work of the former though. As with Fiala and Franz's previous feature, the visual rhymes and motifs get incorporated into the soup so carefully that you don't realize it until they overwhelm you in their bleak glory.

Small note: Alicia Silverstone, the male lead's first wife, and Riley Keough, his new partner, look sort of similar. I always think that's a nice note: "I could see how he would go for her."

35. Miss Americana (Lana Wilson)- I liked it when I saw it as a portrait of a person whose life is largely decided for her but is trying to carve out personal spaces within that hamster wheel. I loved it when I realized that describes most successful people in their twenties.

34. Sound of Metal (Darius Marder)- Riz Ahmed is showing up on all of the best performances of the year lists, but Sound of Metal isn't in anyone's top ten films of the year. That's about right. Ahmed's is a quiet, stubborn performance that I wish was in service of more than the straight line that we've seen before.

In two big scenes, there's this trick that Ahmed does, a piecing together of consequences with his eyes, as if he's moving through a flow chart in real time. In both cases, the character seems locked out and a little slower than he should be, which is, of course, why he's facing the consequences in the first place. To be charitable to a film that was a bit of a grind, it did make me notice a thing a guy did with his eyes.

33. Pieces of a Woman (Kornel Mundruczo)- Usually when I leave acting showcases like this, I imagine the film without the Oscar-baiting speeches, but this is a movie that specializes in speeches. Pieces of a Woman is being judged, deservedly so, by the harrowing twenty-minute take that opens the film, which is as indulgent as it is necessary. But if the unbroken take provides the "what," then the speeches provide the "why."

This is a film about reclaiming one's body when it rebels against you and when other people seek ownership of it. Without the Ellen Burstyn "lift your head" speech or the Vanessa Kirby show-stopper in the courtroom, I'm not sure any of that comes across.

I do think the film lets us off the hook a bit with the LaBoeuf character, in the sense that it gives us reasons to dislike him when it would be more compelling if he had done nothing wrong. Does his half-remembering of the White Stripes count as a speech?

32. Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom (George C. Wolfe)- This is such a play, not only in the locked-down location but also through nearly every storytelling convention: "Where are the two most interesting characters? Oh, running late? They'll enter separately in animated fashion?" But, to use the type of phrase that the characters might, "Don't hate the player; hate the game."

Perhaps the most theatrical note in this treatise on the commodification of expression is the way that, two or three times, the proceedings stop in their tracks for the piece to declare loudly what it's about. In one of those clear-outs, Boseman, who looks distractingly sick, delivers an unforgettable monologue that transports the audience into his character's fragile, haunted mind. He and Viola Davis are so good that the film sort of buckles under their weight, unsure of how to transition out of those spotlight moments and pretend that the story can start back up. Whatever they're doing is more interesting than what's being achieved overall.

31. Another Round (Thomas Vinterberg)- It's definitely the film that Vinterberg wanted to make, but despite what I think is a quietly shattering performance from Mikkelsen, Another Round moves in a bit too much of a straight line to grab me fully. The joyous final minutes hint at where it could have gone, as do pockets of Vinterberg's filmography, which seems newly tethered to realism in a way that I don't like. The best sequences are the wildest ones, like the uproarious trip to the grocery store for fresh cod, so I don't know why so much of it takes place in tiny hallways at magic hour. I give the inevitable American remake* permission to use these notes.

*- Just spitballing here. Martin: Will Ferrell, Nikolaj (Nick): Ben Stiller, Tommy: Owen Wilson, Peter: Craig Robinson

30. The Invisible Man (Leigh Whannell)- Exactly what I wanted. Exactly what I needed.

I think a less conclusive finale would have been better, but what a model of high-concept escalation. This is the movie people convinced me Whannell's Upgrade was.

29. On the Rocks (Sofia Coppola)- Slight until the Mexican sojourn, which expands the scope and makes the film even more psychosexual than before. At times it feels as if Coppola is actively simplifying, rather than diving into the race and privilege questions that the Murray character all but demands.

As for Murray, is the film 50% worse without him? 70%? I don't know if you can run in supporting categories if you're the whole reason the film exists.

28. Mangrove (Steve McQueen)- The first part of the film seemed repetitive and broad to me. But once it settled in as a courtroom drama, the characterization became more shaded, and the filmmaking itself seemed more fluid. I ended up being quite outraged and inspired.

27. Shirley (Josephine Decker)- Josephine Decker emerges as a real stylist here, changing her foggy, impressionistic approach not one bit with a little more budget. Period piece and established actors be damned--this is still as much of a reeling fever dream as Madeline's Madeline. Both pieces are a bit too repetitive and nasty for my taste, but I respect the technique.

Here's my mandatory "Elisabeth Moss is the best" paragraph. While watching her performance as Shirley Jackson, I thought about her most famous role as Peggy on Mad Men, whose inertia and need to prove herself tied her into confidence knots. Shirley is almost the opposite: paralyzed by her worldview, certain of her talent, rejecting any empathy. If Moss can inhabit both characters so convincingly, she can do anything.

26. An American Pickle (Brandon Trost)- An American Pickle is the rare comedy that could actually use five or ten extra minutes, but it's a surprisingly heartfelt and wholesome stretch for Rogen, who is earnest in the lead roles.

25. The King of Staten Island (Judd Apatow)- At two hours and fifteen minutes, The King of Staten Island is probably the first Judd Apatow film that feels like the exact right length. For example, the baggy date scene between a gracious Bill Burr and a faux-dowdy Marisa Tomei is essential, the sort of widening of perspective that something like Trainwreck was missing.

It's Pete Davidson's movie, however, and though he has never been my cup of tea, I think he's actually quite powerful in his quiet moments. The movie probes some rare territory--a mentally ill man's suspicion that he is unlovable, a family's strategic myth-making out of respect for the dead. And when Davidson shows up at the firehouse an hour and fifteen minutes in, it feels as if we've built to a last resort.

24. Swallow (Carlo Mirabella-Davis)- The tricky part of this film is communicating Hunter's despair, letting her isolation mount, but still keeping her opaque. It takes a lot of visual discipline to do that, and Claudio Mirabella-Davis is up to the task. This ends up being a much more sympathetic, expressive movie than the plot description might suggest.

(In the tie dispute, Hunter and Richie are both wrong. That type of silk--I couldn't tell how pebbled it was, but it's probably a barathea weave-- shouldn't be ironed directly, but it doesn't have to be steamed. On a low setting, you could iron the back of the tie and be fine.)

23. The Vast of Night (Andrew Patterson)- I wanted a bit more "there" there; The film goes exactly where I thought it would, and there isn't enough humor for my taste. (The predictability might be a feature, not a bug, since the film is positioned as an episode of a well-worn Twilight Zone-esque show.)

But from a directorial standpoint, this is quite a promising debut. Patterson knows when to lock down or use silence--he even cuts to black to force us to listen more closely to a monologue. But he also knows when to fill the silence. There's a minute or so when Everett is spooling tape, and he and Fay make small talk about their hopes for the future, developing the characters' personalities in what could have been just mechanics. It's also a refreshingly earnest film. No one is winking at the '50s setting.

I'm tempted to write, "If Andrew Patterson can make this with $1 million, just imagine what he can do with $30 million." But maybe people like Shane Carruth have taught us that Patterson is better off pinching pennies in Texas and following his own muse.

22. Martin Eden (Pietro Marcello)- At first this film, adapted from a picaresque novel by Jack London, seemed as if it was hitting the marks of the genre. "He's going from job to job and meeting dudes who are shaping his worldview now." But the film, shot in lustrous Super 16, won me over as it owned the trappings of this type of story, forming a character who is a product of his environment even as he transcends it. By the end, I really felt the weight of time.

You want to talk about something that works better in novels than films though? When a passionate, independent protagonist insists that a woman is the love of his life, despite the fact that she's whatever Italians call a wet blanket. She's rich, but Martin doesn't care about her money. He hates her family and friends, and she refuses to accept him or his life pursuits. She's pretty but not even as pretty as the waitress they discuss. Tell me what I'm missing here. There's archetype, and there's incoherence.

21. Bacurau (Kleber Mendonca Filho and Juliano Dornelles)- Certain images from this adventurous film will stick with me, but I got worn out after the hard reset halfway through. As entranced as I was by the mystery of the first half, I think this blood-soaked ensemble is better at asking questions than it is at answering them.

20. Let Them All Talk (Steven Soderbergh)- The initial appeal of this movie might be "Look at these wonderful actresses in their seventies getting a movie all to themselves." And the film is an interesting portrait of ladies taking stock of relationships that have spanned decades. But Soderbergh and Eisenberg handle the twentysomething Lucas Hedges character with the same openness and empathy. His early reasoning for going on the trip is that he wants to learn from older women, and Hedges nails the puppy-dog quality of a young man who would believe that. Especially in the scenes of aspirational romance, he's sweet and earnest as he brushes his hair out of his face.

Streep plays Alice Hughes, a serious author of literary fiction, and she crosses paths with Kelvin Kranz, a grinder of airport thrillers. In all of the right ways, Let Them All Talk toes the line between those two stances as an entertaining, jaunty experiment that also shoulders subtextual weight. If nothing else, it's easy to see why a cruise ship's counterfeit opulence, its straight lines at a lean, would be visually engaging to Soderbergh. You can't have a return to form if your form is constantly evolving.

19. Dick Johnson Is Dead (Kirsten Johnson)- Understandably, I don't find the subject as interesting as his own daughter does, and large swaths of this film are unsure of what they're trying to say. But that's sort of the point, and the active wrestling that the film engages in with death ultimately pays off in a transcendent moment. The jaw-dropping ending is something that only non-fiction film can achieve, and Johnson's whole career is about the search for that sort of serendipity.

18. Da 5 Bloods (Spike Lee)- Delroy Lindo is a live-wire, but his character is the only one of the principals who is examined with the psychological depth I was hoping for. The first half, with all of its present-tense flourishes, promises more than the gunfights of the second half can deliver. When the film is cooking though, it's chock full of surprises, provocations, and pride.

17. Never Rarely Sometimes Always (Eliza Hittmann)- Very quickly, Eliza Hittmann has established herself as an astute, empathetic director with an eye for discovering new talent. I hope that she gets to make fifty more movies in which she objectively follows laconic young people. But I wanted to like this one more than I did. The approach is so neutral that it's almost flat to me, lacking the arc and catharsis of her previous film, Beach Rats. I still appreciate her restraint though.

GREAT MOVIES

16. Young Ahmed (Jean-Pierre Dardenne and Luc Dardenne)- I don't think the Dardennes have made a bad movie yet, and I'm glad they turned away from the slight genre dipping of The Unknown Girl, the closest to bad that they got. Young Ahmed is a lean, daring return to form.

Instead of following an average person, as they normally do, the Dardenne Brothers follow an extremist, and the objectivity that usually generates pathos now serves to present ambiguity. Ahmed says that he is changing, that he regrets his actions, but we never know how much of his stance is a put-on. I found myself wanting him to reform, more involved than I usually am in these slices of life. Part of it is that Idir Ben Addi looks like such a normal, young kid, and the Ahmed character has most of the qualities that we say we want in young people: principles, commitment, self-worth, reflection. So it's that much more destructive when those qualities are used against him and against his fellow man.

15. World of Tomorrow Episode Three: The Absent Destinations of David Prime (Don Hertzfeldt)- My dad, a man whom I love but will never understand, has dismissed modern music before by claiming that there are only so many combinations of chords. To him, it's almost impossible to do something new. Of course, this is the type of thing that an uncreative person would say--a person not only incapable of hearing the chords that combine notes but also unwilling to hear the space between the notes. (And obviously, that's the take of a person who doesn't understand that, originality be damned, some people just have to create.)

Anyway, that attitude creeps into my own thinking more than I would like, but then I watch something as wholly original as World of Tomorrow Episode Three. The series has always been a way to pile sci-fi ideas on top of each other to prove the essential truths of being and loving. And this one, even though it achieves less of a sense of yearning than its predecessor, offers even more devices to chew on. Take, for example, the idea that Emily sends her message from the future, so David's primitive technology can barely handle it. In order to move forward with its sophistication, he has to delete any extraneous skills for the sake of computer memory. So out of trust for this person who loves him, he has to weigh whether his own breathing or walking can be uninstalled as a sacrifice for her. I thought that we might have been done describing love, but there it is, a new metaphor. Mixing futurism with stick figures to get at the most pure drive possible gave us something new. It's called art, Dad.

14. On the Record (Kirby Dick and Amy Ziering)- We don't call subjects of documentaries "stars" for obvious reasons, but Drew Dixon kind of is one. Her honesty and wisdom tell a complete story of the #MeToo movement. Kirby Dick and Amy Ziering take their time developing her background at first, not because we need to "gain sympathy" or "establish credibility" for a victim of sexual abuse, but because showing her talent and enthusiasm for hip-hop A&R makes it that much more tragic when her passion is extinguished. Hell, I just like the woman, so spending a half-hour on her rise was pleasurable in and of itself.

This is a gut-wrenching, fearless entry in what is becoming Dick and Ziering's raison d'etre, but its greatest quality is Dixon's composed reflection. She helped to establish a pattern of Russell Simmons's behavior, but she explains what happened to her in ways I had never heard before.

13. David Byrne’s American Utopia (Spike Lee)- I'm often impressed by the achievements that puzzle me: How did they pull that off? But I know exactly how David Byrne pulled off the impish but direct precision of American Utopia: a lot of hard work.

I can't blame Spike Lee for stealing a page from Demme's Stop Making Sense: He denies us a close-up of any audience members until two-thirds of the way through, when we get someone in absolute rapture.

12. One Night in Miami... (Regina King)- We've all cringed when a person of color is put into the position of speaking on behalf of his or her entire race. But the characters in One Night in Miami... live in that condition all the time and are constantly negotiating it. As Black public figures in 1964, they know that the consequences of their actions are different, bigger, than everyone else's. The charged conversations between Malcolm X and Sam Cooke are not about whether they can live normal lives. They're way past that. The stakes are closer to Sam Cooke arguing that his life's purpose aligns with the protection and elevation of African-Americans while Malcolm X argues that those pursuits should be the same thing. Late in the movie, Cassius Clay leaves the other men, a private conversation, to talk to reporters, a public conversation. But the film argues that everything these men do is always already public. They're the most powerful African-Americans in the country, but their lives are not their own. Or not only their own.

It's true that the first act has the clunkiness and artifice of a TV movie, but once the film settles into the motel room location and lets the characters feed off one another, it's gripping. It's kind of unfair for a movie to get this many scenes of Leslie Odom Jr. singing, but I'll take it.

11. Saint Frances (Alex Thompson)- Rilke wrote, "Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us." The characters' behavior in Saint Frances--all of these fully formed characters' behavior--made me think of that quotation. When they lash out at one another, even at their nastiest, the viewer has a window into how they're expressing pain they can't verbalize. The film is uneven in its subtlety, but it's a real showcase for screenwriter and star Kelly O'Sullivan, who is unflinching and dynamic in one of the best performances of the year. Somebody give her some of the attention we gave to Zach Braff for God's sake.

10. Boys State (Jesse Moss and Amanda McBaine)- This documentary is kind of a miracle from a logistical standpoint. From casting interviews beforehand, lots of editing afterwards, or sly note-taking once the conference began, McBaine and Moss happened to select the four principals who mattered the most at the convention, then found them in rooms full of dudes wearing the same tucked-in t-shirt. By the way, all of the action took place over the course of one week, and by definition, the important events are carved in half.

To call Boys State a microcosm of American politics is incorrect. These guys are forming platforms and voting in elections. What they're doing is American politics, so when they make the same compromises and mistakes that active politicians do, it produces dread and disappointment. So many of the boys are mimicking the political theater that they see on TV, and that sweaty sort of performance is going to make a Billy Mitchell out of this kid Ben Feinstein, and we'll be forced to reckon with how much we allow him to evolve as a person. This film is so precise, but what it proves is undeniably messy. Luckily, some of these seventeen-year-olds usher in hope for us all.

If nothing else, the film reveals the level to which we're all speaking in code.

9. The Nest (Sean Durkin)- In the first ten minutes or so of The Nest, the only real happy minutes, father and son are playing soccer in their quaint backyard, and the father cheats to score on a children's net before sliding on the grass to rub in his victory. An hour later, the son kicks the ball around by himself near a regulation goal on the family's massive property. The contrast is stark and obvious, as is the symbolism of the dead horse, but that doesn't mean it's not visually powerful or resonant.

Like Sean Durkin's earlier film, Martha Marcy May Marlene, the whole of The Nest is told with detail of novelistic scope and an elevation of the moment. A snippet of radio that mentions Ronald Reagan sets the time period, rather than a dateline. One kid saying "Thanks, Dad" and another kid saying, "Thanks, Rory" establishes a stepchild more elegantly than any other exposition might.

But this is also a movie that does not hide what it means. Characters usually say exactly what is on their minds, and motivations are always clear. For example, Allison smokes like a chimney, so her daughter's way of acting out is leaving butts on the window sill for her mother to find. (And mother and daughter both definitely "act out" their feelings.) On the other hand, Ben, Rory's biological son, is the character least like him, so these relationships aren't too directly parallel. Regardless, Durkin uses these trajectories to cast a pall of familial doom.

8. Sorry We Missed You (Sean Durkin)- Another precisely calibrated empathy machine from Ken Loach. The overwhelmed matriarch, Abby, is a caretaker, and she has to break up a Saturday dinner to rescue one of her clients, who wet herself because no one came to help her to the bathroom. The lady is embarrassed, and Abby calms her down by saying, "You mean more to me than you know." We know enough about Abby's circumstances to realize that it's sort of a lie, but it's a beautiful lie, told by a person who cares deeply but is not cared for.

Loach's central point is that the health of a family, something we think of as immutable and timeless, is directly dependent upon the modern industry that we use to destroy ourselves. He doesn't have to be "proven" relevant, and he didn't plan for Covid-19 to point to the fragility of the gig economy, but when you're right, you're right.

7. Lovers Rock (Steve McQueen)- swear to you I thought: "This is an impeccable depiction of a great house party. The only thing it's missing is the volatile dude who scares away all the girls." And then the volatile dude who scares away all the girls shows up.

In a year short on magic, there are two or three transcendent moments, but none of them can equal the whole crowd singing along to "Silly Games" way after the song has ended. Nothing else crystallizes the film's note of celebration: of music, of community, of safe spaces, of Black skin. I remember moments like that at house parties, and like all celebrations, they eventually make me sad.

6. Crip Camp: A Disability Revolution (Nicole Newnham and James Lebrecht)- I held off on this movie because I thought that I knew what it was. The setup was what I expected: A summer camp for the disabled in the late '60s takes on the spirit of the time and becomes a haven for people who have not felt agency, self-worth, or community anywhere else. But that's the right-place-right-time start of a story that takes these figures into the '80s as they fight for their rights.

If you're anything like my dumb ass, you know about 504 accommodations from the line on a college syllabus that promises equal treatment. If 2020 has taught us anything though, it's that rights are seized, not given, and this is the inspiring story of people who unified to demand what they deserved. Judy Heumann is a civil rights giant, but I'm ashamed to say I didn't know who she was before this film. If it were just a history lesson that wasn't taught in school, Crip Camp would still be valuable, but it's way more than that.

5. Palm Springs (Max Barbakow)- When explaining what is happening to them, Andy Samberg's Nyles twirls his hand at Cristin Milioti's Sara and says, "It's one of those infinite time-loop scenarios." Yeah, one of those. Armed with only a handful of fictional examples, she and the audience know exactly what he means, and the continually inventive screenplay by Andy Siara doesn't have to do any more explaining. In record time, the film accelerates into its premise, involves her, and sets up the conflict while avoiding the claustrophobia of even Groundhog Day. That economy is the strength that allows it to be as funny as it is. By being thrifty with the setup, the savings can go to, say, the couple crashing a plane into a fiery heap with no consequences.

In some accidental ways, this is, of course, a quarantine romance as well. Nyles and Sara frustratingly navigate the tedious wedding as if they are play-acting--which they sort of are--then they push through that sameness to grow for each other, realizing that dependency is not weakness. The best relationships are doing the same thing right now.

Although pointedly superficial--part of the point of why the couple is such a match--and secular--I think the notion of an afterlife would come up at least once--Palm Springs earns the sincerity that it gets around to. And for a movie ironic enough to have a character beg to be impaled so that he doesn't have to sit in traffic, that's no small feat.

4. The Assistant (Kitty Green)- A wonder of Bressonian objectivity and rich observation, The Assistant is the rare film that deals exclusively with emotional depth while not once explaining any emotions. One at a time, the scrape of the Kleenex box might not be so grating, the long hallway trek to the delivery guy might not be so tiring, but this movie gets at the details of how a job can destroy you in ways that add up until you can't even explain them.

3. Promising Young Woman (Emerald Fennell)- In her most incendiary and modern role, Carey Mulligan plays Cassie, which is short for Cassandra, that figure doomed to tell truths that no one else believes. The web-belted boogeyman who ruined her life is Al, short for Alexander, another Greek who is known for his conquests. The revenge story being told here--funny in its darkest moments, dark in its funniest moments--is tight on its surface levels, but it feels as if it's telling a story more archetypal and expansive than that too.

An exciting feature debut for its writer-director Emerald Fennell, the film goes wherever it dares. Its hero has a clear purpose, and it's not surprising that the script is willing to extinguish her anger halfway through. What is surprising is the way it renews and muddies her purpose as she comes into contact with half-a-dozen brilliant one- or two-scene performances. (Do you think Alfred Molina can pull off a lawyer who hates himself so much that he can't sleep? You would be right.)

Promising Young Woman delivers as an interrogation of double standards and rape culture, but in quiet ways it's also about our outsized trust in professionals and the notion that some trauma cannot be overcome.

INSTANT CLASSICS

2. Soul (Pete Docter)- When Pete Docter's Up came out, it represented a sort of coronation for Pixar: This was the one that adults could like unabashedly. The one with wordless sequences and dead children and Ed Asner in the lead. But watching it again this week with my daughter, I was surprised by how high-concept and cloying it could be. We choose not to remember the middle part with the goofy dog stuff.

Soul is what Up was supposed to be: honest, mature, stirring. And I don't mean to imply that a family film shouldn't make any concessions to children. But Soul, down to the title, never compromises its own ambition. Besides Coco, it's probably the most credible character study that Pixar has ever made, with all of Joe's growth earned the hard way. Besides Inside Out, it's probably the wittiest comedy that Pixar has ever made, bursting with unforced energy.

There's a twitter fascination going around about Dez, the pigeon-figured barber character whose scene has people gushing, "Crush my windpipe, king" or whatever. Maybe that's what twitter does now, but no one fantasized about any characters in Up. And I count that as progress.

1. I’m Thinking of Ending Things (Charlie Kaufman)- After hearing that our name-shifting protagonist moonlights as an artist, a no-nonsense David Thewlis offers, "I hope you're not an abstract artist." He prefers "paintings that look like photographs" over non-representational mumbo-jumbo. And as Jessie Buckley squirms to try to think of a polite way to talk back, you can tell that Charlie Kaufman has been in the crosshairs of this same conversation. This morose, scary, inscrutable, expressionist rumination is not what the Netflix description says it is at all, and it's going to bother nice people looking for a fun night in. Thank God.

The story goes that Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, when constructing Raiders of the Lost Ark, sought to craft a movie that was "only the good parts" with little of the clunky setup that distracted from action. What we have here is a Charlie Kaufman movie with only the Charlie Kaufman moments, less interested than ever before at holding one's hand. The biting humor is here, sometimes aimed at philistines like the David Thewlis character above, sometimes at the niceties that we insist upon. The lonely horror of everyday life is here, in the form of missed calls from oneself or the interruption of an inner monologue. Of course, communicating the overwhelming crush of time, both unknowable and familiar, is the raison d'etre.

A new pet motif seems to be the way that we don't even own our own knowledge. The Young Woman recites "Bonedog" by Eva H.D., which she claims/thinks she wrote, only to find Jake's book open to that page, next to a Pauline Kael book that contains a Woman Under the Influence review that she seems to have internalized later. When Jake muses about Wordsworth's "Lucy Poems," it starts as a way to pass the time, then it becomes a way to lord his education over her, then it becomes a compliment because the subject resembles her, then it becomes a way to let her know that, in the grand scheme of things, she isn't that special at all. This film jerks the viewer through a similar wintry cycle and leaves him with his own thoughts. It's not a pretty picture, but it doesn't look like anything else.

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springwritess · 5 years ago

Note

Hi so um I just lost someone in my family and I was wondering if you do some hcs for Law and Zoro comforting their so.

anime: one piece

dedicated to: @a-bi-who-just-wants-sweaters

note: im sorry for your loss. if you want to talk to anyone about it, my DMs are open. you don’t have to go through this alone. your feelings matter. i also decided to do all the strawhats and law

***

Luffy:

Luffy tends to be a bright, simple minded person. He takes things at face value and usually isn’t serious. However, he genuinely does care about his crewmates - which includes you. As Rayleigh described, Luffy has a special type of observation haki. It allows him to understand the emotions of others. He was the first person to notice your grief.

Luffy is a man of action. The way he’ll try to help you cope by giving the space you need, or the physical affection you need. It depends on what you’re feeling that day. He understands how difficult it is to loose a family member, and how these things take time. If you’re not feeling particularly bright or happy on some days, he’ll try his best not to annoy you. If you’re looking for a hug or a shoulder to cry on, Luffy will offer it to you. He’ll even give you his strawhat and place it on your head. It’s special to him, and so are you to him. It’s his way of showing everything will be okay.

If you’re feeling particularly bad on a day, he might come into your room and see if there’s anything he can do. He’ll try to make you food or give you something to cheer you up. Luffy might try to make jokes (such as making silly faces) to get you to laugh. If it isn’t working, he’ll sit there with you. If you want to talk, that’s fine. If you don’t, that’s also fine. He won’t pry.

There are also days where Luffy is also feeling particularly blue, whenever he thinks about Ace. On those days, he may come and talk about the horrors he faced during Impel Down, or the war he had to go through. On those days, you’ll open up and talk about your family member. You’ll be there for each other, and help each other cope and find ways to push through in life.

Zoro:

Zoro is someone who’s quiet and is not the best at showing his concern for others through his actions. He shows his concern and care for his crewmates (you included) by little things. Checking to see if they’re okay, protecting them in battle and staying close to them. He’s not the type to voice his love and care for his crewmates.

Zoro would check up on you every now and then. He would keep his space, because he knows having too many people check up on you can be overwhelming. He would ask Chopper if you’re doing any better mentally. He would also ask Sanji if you’ve been skipping any meals.

The times he would check up on you would be at night. Zoro doesn’t seem much. He usually gets about 3-4 hours of sleep a night, and take naps throughout the day. If he realizes you’re up and wondering about the ship, he might talk to you and see if you’re doing any better. Whether you talk to him a lot or a little, he’ll still stay and listen to you.

Sometimes, he may ask you to join him while he’s working out. You’ll stay with him, whether that means you’ll work out or not. It’ll comfort you just having him close by. Whenever you do choose to excercise, it’ll be relieving. It takes your mind off things, and it greatly improves your mood.

Nami:

Nami will be one of the first people to realize there’s something wrong. She’ll see you one night silently crying to yourself. She’ll come up to you and see what’s wrong. She’ll sit you down and try to talk to you. She’ll comfort you, whether it’s through her words, giving you a hug or just sitting there with you. Nami understands grief takes time, she’ll be there with you 100% along the way.

Nami is one of the first people you’ll go to whenever you feel like talking about your family member. She’ll sit there and listen to you talk about them for hours. Sometimes, she’ll share stories of Bellemare.

You have your tasks and duties on the ship. Sometimes, it’s difficult for you to be able to fulfill your role of being a strawhat. Nami will make sure everything goes along smoothly whenever you need to sit down and be by yourself. She’ll assign everyone orders, and they’ll happily do your job if it means letting you feel better.

She’ll also check up on you now and then, like a big sister. She’ll ask Sanji if you’re eating. She’ll ask Chopper if you’re feeling any better emotionally. If you aren’t doing those things, she’ll come and talk to you. She’ll gently remind you that eating healthy is important. She’ll also remind you that everyone is there for you. You can talk when you’re ready.

Usopp:

Unlike Nami, Usopp isn’t as perceptive when it comes to learning about the feelings of others on the crew. It might take him awhile to notice the little things, like how you look tired all the time, or how you’re overeating/not eating at all during meals. He’ll still try to be there for you however

Usopp understands the pain of losing a close family member too well. He lost his mother at a young age. He’ll try to talk to you about how you feel, and give you some of his own personal experiences. He may sit closer to you during meals.

When the crew is fooling around and playing games, he’ll make sure you’re always there. He’ll want you to have a good time, so he’ll make sure you’re included. By doing this, Usopp wants to remind you that you’re not alone. The crew cares about you so much.

Sanji:

Sanji is emotionally perceptive, and he’ll realize right away something bad happened to you. He starts to notice you’re skipping meals and spending less time with the crew. You would always have a blank look on your face, staring out to see. His first instinct would be to rush over to you and see if you’re sick, or if anything is wrong. You’d brush him off, and say everything is fine. You would explain to him you’re just tired. This would happen frequently. Eventually, Sanji would give you space. He doesn’t want to pressure you into telling him anything.

Sanji would instead focus on making sure you’re eating enough, and eating the right foods. He’ll bring food to your room if you don’t come down during a meal. He’ll make you small healthy snacks throughout the day too. He’ll focus on what he’s capable on, which is your eating habits. If you have trouble sleeping at night, he’ll make you tea. He’ll make sure there’s always a cup of tea waiting for you every night before he heads to bed. When he’s on night watch, he’ll leave a kettle on the stove for you.

If you do choose to tell him what happens, he’ll be 100% willing to listen. He’ll drop whatever he’s doing to hear you talk. He won’t interrupt you, or become emotional, or try to offer you any advice. Despite acting like an idiot sometimes, Sanji is emotionally smart. He knows that he can’t solve anything, or that advice won’t always help. He’ll sit there and listen patiently.

Sanji may invite you into the kitchen to watch him cook if you’re sitting by yourself some days. He’ll make jokes, and talk about things to cheer you up. You’ll help him set and clear the table, which makes you feel much better.

Chopper:

Despite being the doctor of the crew, Chopper is quite naive. He isn’t as good as noticing things as the other crewmates. Chopper would have no idea anything is upsetting you, until you bring it up to him one day. He would be fooling around with Luffy and Usopp, and you would ask him if you’d like a checkup. He’ll take you to do one.

You’ll first ask him about his stance on mental health, and how important he thinks it is. He’ll explain to you, that your mental and emotional health is just as important as your physical health. You’ll bring up your family member who recently passed away, and how difficult it’s been for you.

You would see Chopper every week about how you’re feeling. Chopper would remain calm, and won’t pry for details. He’ll listen to everything you say, and may even take notes. He would become your therapist in a way. Everything you tell him, he would keep a secret. He doesn’t want to loose your trust.

Robin:

Similar to the other strawhats, Robin also had an extremely difficult life. Her home island was destroyed when she was just a child. She lost her mom at a young age and lived a life on the run for twenty years. It’s difficult for her to open up, and she still struggles with it till this day. She’ll understand that you’ll need time to process what happened. She won’t talk to you about it, or ever bring it up to you.

She may recommend a book for you to read, to help you make you feel better. She’ll make you a cup of tea too whenever she’s going to read her book. You’ll find yourself often reading with Robin side by side. It’s a great stress-reliever for the both of you.

If you ever do choose to open up to Robin, she’ll listen to everything you say. She may give you words of advice, or offer you words of comfort. She’ll almost act like your mom in a way afterwards.

Franky:

Franky may act like an idiot sometimes, but he does have rare times when he acts mature. These are times where a crew member needs his help, or if he needs to step up and do his job as a strawhat. This is one of those times.

It’ll take him a bit of time however to notice that something is wrong. Similar to Robin, he won’t pressure you to say anything to him. He’ll just do what he’s capable of. He may offer you a cola drink once in awhile. It makes him feel better, so he’ll try to give you one I’m hopes of making you feel better

Franky may ask you to try out some of the cool inventions he’s working on. He may even invite you to his workshop, where you’ll watch and try to help him out. It’ll just be small things, such as handing him a tool or trying to tighten a screw. You’ll start to bond with Franky from here on out.

Brook:

Brook understands the pain of losing someone close to you. He lost his friends before his eyes and had to live around their dead bodies for decades. He’ll be extremely mature when it comes to try and helping you through these difficult times.

Brook copes through music. Expect him to play various pieces for you every day, some happy and some sad. Many will give you the feeling of happiness and peace. His music will bring back many memories of your deceased family member. Some days you’ll listen to his music and just cry.

Brook will also give you music tapes to listen to in your room. They all be songs he written and performed himself. You’ll find yourself often in your room, listening to music and reminiscing about your family member.

Trafalgar Law:

Law may seem like a cold, calm and collected individual. He can even be ruthless at times. He tends to keep to himself and doesn’t find himself having many friends. He does however, deeply care about his crew. He’s not the best at showing his affection towards them, but he does genuinely does care about them. He cares about you.

Law will realize immediately that something happened. He’ll assume you’re sick or injured, but it’ll turn out that’s not the case. He’ll ask you about it. If you’re not comfortable opening up and sharing yet, it’ll frustrate him. He wants to help you, but he wouldn’t know what’s bothering you. If you do tell him early on, it’ll shock him. He’ll stay calm however, and try to help you feel better as much as he can.

Similar to Chopper, he’ll check up on you every week. He’ll ask you how you’re feeling and other questions. He won’t pry, and you’ll tell him as much as you’re comfortable telling him. He’ll write down everything you say. He’ll become your therapist in a way too.

Law isn’t the best at expressing his affection and care towards his crew, so he’ll ask the others to do so. He’ll tell them to remind you in both subtle and grand ways that everyone cares. Expect lots of hugs from Bepo. Your other crewmates will try to spend more time with you.

Law will also give you space. He understands that some days you need time by yourself. Law also has days where he needs his own space. If you’re feeling particularly bad on one day, Law won’t bother you. He won’t force you to complete your tasks on the crew and will ask the others to do them instead. He may complete them if nobody else can.

At the end of the day, all your crewmates care about you. They want to remind you that you’re not alone. That it’s okay to be sad. That it’s okay to cry. That it’s okay to have bad days. They all express their love and care for you, each in their own way.

You are not alone.

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ofregiums · 5 years ago

Text

silence ! raise the royal standard, for the princess of belgium, CHARLOTTE VAN LEUVEN, has arrived. being twenty-eight years old, she is second in line to the throne. many around the court call her the lost soul by virtue of her being benevolent and imaginative, while also being evasive and fragile. — played by sarah gadon.

— THE BASICS

full name: charlotte katelijne van leuven known in history as: the pearl of belgium date of birth: december 1st age: twenty-eight star sign: sagittarius profession: artist ( modern verse ) / princess of belgium, princess of spain ( canon verse ) loyalty: house van leuven, house de trastamara alignment: neutral good mbti: esfp spoken languages: dutch ( first ), english ( fluent ), spanish ( fluent ), italian ( intermediate ), french ( intermediate ) mother’s name: anaïs van leuven father’s name: frédéric johann van leuven ( deceased in canon ) siblings, if any: frédéric van leuven ( deceased in canon ), gérard van leuven ( deceased in canon ), florian van leuven children: celeste de trastamara van leuven-darcy, georgina darcy, rory darcy, anaïs darcy height: 5′3″ hair colour: blonde eye colour: blue

— CANON VERSE

charlotte emerged in life as quiet as a mouse, scaring the poor queen for a moment that a stillbirth had occurred. however, the midwife took one good look at her -- her flushed porcelain cheeks, her alert cerulean eyes -- and was surprised to see that the dear little princess was smiling instead.

she was swiftly adorned “the pearl of belgium”, not only because she was the first girl of the van leuven heirs, but also because her infectious smile and seemingly impossible beauty endeared her to the court and the citizens as she grew. charlotte was a darling child: very happy and kind to all. it did not matter if you were a visiting duke or a poor merchant on the side of the street, the little princess greeted everyone with a sweet smile and positive words.

because of her loving ( but incredibly naive ) nature, charlotte was heavily protected by her parents and her three older brothers. family means the absolute world to her and she had the privilege of growing up in a healthy, loving one. she adores every single member in her family but since she was a little girl, there has always been a special place in her heart for the sibling closest in age to her -- florian.

at the age of sixteen, a betrothal was arranged between the kings of belgium and spain: the union between charlotte and the heir of spain. this would one day make her the queen of spain, an incredibly beneficial match indeed. happy to do her duty, charlotte wedded adolfo at seventeen with a big smile on her face. they may not have known one another extremely well but she had all intent to get to know him so that they may have the happiest of marriages.

charlotte left behind her life in belgium immediately after the wedding, tearfully saying goodbye to her beloved parents and leaving behind thick letters for her dear brothers who were bravely fighting in the war. however, life in spain took a turn that the princess could have hardly expected. the newly-weds clashed horrendously as adolfo was everything charlotte was not. he was childish, loud, and hedonistic -- a complete shock to her mature, soft, and selfless nature. he took mistresses shamelessly and often silenced charlotte with harsh words or the occasional slap to the face. still, despite his ways, charlotte stood by her duty as a wife and tried to love him.

her solace through the horrendous marriage were the friendships that helped to keep her afloat. people such as isandro, isabela, and catalina were among the few that she felt utterly safe around and provided bright spots in the otherwise darkness charlotte found herself in.

throughout her marriage, she has been pregnant four times: one stillbirth and three miscarriages. though physicians from all around simply labeled charlotte as barren, the loss of the children can predominantly be explained by the amount of stress she was placed under. soon enough, adolfo would be king and she needed to produce an heir for her husband and for spain. the inability to have a child broke her heart ; her one greatest joy would be to be a mother. charlotte began to fear that she was cursed.

another reason for her infertility could possibly be grief. only two times during her marriage did charlotte return home to belgium and that was unfortunately for the worst circumstances -- the funeral of her father, then her second brother gérard.

a couple of years after those losses, her husband fell ill. it all seemed very ( and suspiciously ) sudden. a few weeks later, adolfo was dead. by the end, charlotte did not love that monster. how could she ? still, it was another death to add to the ever-growing pile of people that were in her life.

with no place any longer in spain, charlotte was packing up to return to her family in belgium. however, there was one hitch in that plan -- a month after her husband’s funeral, she discovered she was nearly four months pregnant. once the royal family caught wind, they halted charlotte’s return trip in case she gave birth to a son. an heir.

charlotte could only view that time as a glorified hostage. she ached for home, though she was careful not to express that so heavily in her letters to her brothers. the last thing she desired was for them to invade spain in honor of returning their lost princess. instead, she claimed that it was simply too dangerous to travel. during this time, she feared especially for adolfo’s sister, the apparent new heir. the future queen wanted charlotte and the baby dead, not wanting any blood of adolfo’s to threaten her new claim.

charlotte gave birth to celeste and it was the utterly happiest day of her life. but that happiness was marred by the fact that she no longer felt safe in spain. with her dear friend isandro’s help, charlotte packed up her most personal belongings and fled with her infant daughter back to belgium. finally, she was safe.

then, she lost her eldest brother. through frédéric’s funeral and florian’s rushed coronation, charlotte clung to celeste in those times of great distress. while she was relieved that she could be close to her final brother and assist him during this new transition, the amount of loss that she endured felt utterly unbearable. but she swallowed that all aside in lieu of focusing on helping celeste grow and accompanying florian to bern.

after nearly a year and many dangers in bern, charlotte and celeste returned back to belgium with florian. her life changed drastically one random day when she took celeste to the countryside to get away from court for the day and came upon a half-dead and starving eli. flooded with sympathy and worry, she insisted he be taken back to court to be fed and taken care of. she found herself very protective of him from the very beginning, especially when everyone else is so suspicious of his motives.

now, versailles calls. and charlotte is reluctant to heed to it, knowing that the very new queen of spain will likely be in attendance. the thought of seeing her dear friends that she had not seen in some time is the one thing that allows the princess to feel any semblance of hope. so with her now toddler daughter in tow, she -- yet again -- follows her duty.

— MODERN VERSE

born in brussels, belgium to a regional financial manager and world-renowned journalist, charlotte had quite the privileged upbringing in a large family of six. the house was filled with warmth and laughter and she never wanted for anything.

growing up, she was a bit more naive to how the world worked. she was super sheltered, you see, especially by her father and three older brothers. they figured out the world for her and held out their hands so that charlotte could be guided.

she loved art from an early age. what simply started as silly drawings that she brought home from school escalated into a full-on passion. her parents put her in after-school art lessons to hone her craft.

after graduation, charlotte braved the homesickness to go to the states to study visual art at brown university. she happily got to explore a new place and work on her craft. she even adopted a pitbull puppy named maisie during her final year. truthfully, what more could she ask for ?

once university was complete, charlotte made the choice not to remain in the states. instead, she moved to london where her favorite brother florian had already moved in his adulthood. once she settled there, she began working as commissioned artist as well as making pieces to sell at art galleries. over time, her clientele began to grow bigger and richer.

she met adolfo at a friend’s birthday party and pretty much fell in love with him on sight. he was handsome and charming, and charlotte really thought that she had found the one. the two began dating and despite the occasional rocky patch, the two seemed really in love. right ? wrong.

after about a year and half of dating, charlotte learned that she was expecting. while she wasn’t expecting adolfo to immediately drop down on one knee, she certainly hadn’t expected what actually happened -- him leaving. adolfo’s harsh goodbye broke charlotte’s heart into a million little pieces, but the gift in that mess was the birth of her daughter celeste.

things were hard for charlotte emotionally at first. thankfully during her final trimester and first few months as a single mother, she stayed with her brother and sister-in-law who happily helped her out in any way possible. there are days when charlotte wants to break down but all she has to do is take a look at her baby and remember why she would do anything for her.

a couple of months after celeste was born, charlotte started getting back on her feet. she got a new flat, adopted another puppy ( ares, a husky ), and dived back into her art. things were on the upswing after much turmoil.

one day, charlotte met eli while she was walking the dogs and celeste around the neighborhood. ares broke free and ran across the street, maisie eagerly following and in a moment of panic, she asked eli – a complete stranger – to hold baby celeste so she could chase after the dogs. once she wrangled them back, a flustered charlotte thanked the man. and to her surprise, he asked her to coffee. it’s only blossomed from there.

now, charlotte lives the life that she sort of always imagined for herself. she’s grateful to be surrounded by her family and in a healthy relationship where she only grows more and more in love every day. it may not be a fairytale ending that she imagined as a little girl -- she wasn’t a princess, after all. but it was sweet and it was hers and that made it perfect.

#abuse tw #miscarriage tw #stillbirth tw #death tw #( * introductions. )#( * your softness is what keeps you from breaking ; do not shed it | charlotte van leuven. )

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kaaras-adaar-a · 5 years ago

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𝑪𝑯𝑨𝑹𝑨𝑪𝑻𝑬𝑹 𝑺𝑯𝑬𝑬𝑻

repost, don’t reblog !

𝐛𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐬 !

full name. Kaaras Taashath Adaar pronunciation. (honestly we all pronounce it with different accents so... however you like! Kaaras’ mother rolls the r in his name, whilst Kaaras pronounces his own name rather plainly as he got used to keeping it simple for humans when he was young, and his accent is Fereldan unlike his parents’ :’D) nicknames. Adaar, Herald, Worship, Captain, Inquisitor, Farmboy height. 6′7. age. 29 at Haven zodiac. Sagittarius languages. Common tongue (first language), Qunlat (second language/intermediate).

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS.

hair colour. Butterscotch blonde eye colour. Red with orange freckles and a black rim around the iris skin tone. Pale grey body type. Endomorph accent. Fereldan dominant hand. Right posture. Excellent tattoos. N/A most noticeable features. Horns, skin tone, height, long ears, general qunari features.

CHILDHOOD.

place of birth. Starkhaven hometown. Southron Hills, Ferelden. birth weight / height. Underweight and small for a qunari. first words. Probably mumma or something along the lines of. siblings. Aith (adopted younger sister), Talan’ash (older half-brother), multiple unnamed siblings under the Qun. parents. Aban Adaar (mother--alive and well), Anaan Adaar (father--deceased) parental involvement. Kaaras lost his father when he was 12 years old. Before then, his parents were very loving and caring and always a massive support for Kaaras as a growing child. His mother continued to be supportive of Kaaras as a growing man. After his father died, their relationship did become a bit strained considering Kaaras blamed himself and felt guilt every time he looked at his mother, but their relationship has since healed. They love each other very dearly, despite his mother being quite a helicopter at times...

ADULT LIFE

occupation. Farmer, mercenary, mercenary captain, Inquisitor. current residence. Skyhold, Ferelden (the farm) and he has a place in Starkhaven for his mercenary company. close friends. His company, DA:I companions, his family. relationship status. verse dependent (in game marries Iron Bull) financial status. Kaaras grew up poor, however, as a mercenary, he made a very good living for himself. I’d say he’s middle class, however as Inquisitor he is upper class. criminal record. Kaaras has been falsely accused of crimes but they were sorted out and his record cleared. He’s also killed in self defence during his time as Inquisitor.

SEX & ROMANCE.

sexual orientation. Pansexual romantic orientation. Panromantic preferred emotional role. submissive | dominant | switch | unsure preferred sexual role. submissive | dominant | switch | sex repulsed libido. High turn on’s. Passion, touch, kissing, teasing, mild dirty talk, romance, manhandling him turn off’s. Bad hygiene, clinginess, abusive behaviour, demeaning, slavery. love language. Physical touch, support, spending time together. relationship tendencies. Kaaras is very serious about getting into a relationship, he wants to be 100% sure, which is why he can be a bit slow in admitting his feelings for someone out loud. He is very devoted and loyal, and will support his lover along the way. He is encouraging and compassionate. When in a new relationship, he tends to give his partner a lot of his time as he wishes to show his commitment to them, he is exceptionally physical, wanting to touch his lover emotionally, platonically and sexually. Kaaras generally falls pretty damn hard as well, he’s easy to crush, but once he’s in love, it’s pretty much for life unless his partner changes into someone he no longer recognises (which has happened before). In this side of Kaaras, you will see how silly and romantic he can be, but also how much he opens up and grows sexually as well. He wants to explore with his partner, and he often simply likes to watch them.

MISCELLANEOUS.

character’s theme song. I have two main ones A Good Heart (Feargal Sharkey) and The Chosen Ones (Dream Evil) hobbies to pass the time. Reading, meditating, training, sparring, horse riding, spending time with friends, woodworks. mental illnesses. OCD, PTSD, depression (recovered) physical illnesses. PSAS (persistent sexual arousal syndrome), lactose intolerance, alcoholic (recovering) left or right brained. Left brained. fears. Failure, loss of control, losing loved ones. self confidence level. Mentally, Kaaras is very self aware and pretty confident in his duties and work. Personal life, he’s not as confident. When it comes to his looks, he suffers a lot of insecurities. Sexually, he’s very insecure and it takes a long time for him to be more confident with someone. Kaaras is a very determined individual, though, so he pushes through his insecurities to get an end goal. vulnerabilities. Kaaras can be proud and have a rather moral high ground at times, if people insult his worth or his duty, he will not take i kindly. If people criticise him, he can also become cranky. He’s all for learning, but he’s also a perfectionist, so it’s insulting to him, although it’s mostly he’s annoyed with HIMSELF, not the other person. He takes criticism personally, especially depending on WHO it’s from. If it’s someone he trusts, he values their opinions and will take them to heart. He’s sensitive, but this is also why he values honesty, because he wants to better himself. So... don’t be afraid to criticise him, so long as it’s done kindly. He also wants to fit in somewhere because he’s never felt like he could. Always too qunari to be human, and too human to be truly qunari. He desperately wants to feel like he belongs somewhere, and the Inquisition definitely helped him find that purpose and feeling. His OCD also makes him quite vulnerable in moments of stress and anxiety, but he’s learned to manage that rather well over the years.

tagged by: Stole from @lathal tagging: you!!

#The muse #Kaaras Adaar

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sacredtempest · 5 years ago

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Janna AU Masterlist

There’s a lot but it’s organized ^-^

Sacred Sword

The guardian of an ancient relic said to grant immortality and godhood, Janna constantly travels to prevent the Sacred Sword from falling into the hands of the power hungry and greedy. Appearing as a giant woman wrapped in delicate silks, Janna can be an awe-inspiring and somewhat intimidating sight. She radiates calm and serenity, feelings she is happy to share with anyone despite the threat to her duties, but beneath that calm demeanor is a very cheerful and mischievous spirit. Those who personally know her will find her to be somewhat silly.

General

-Former wind elemental

-Bound to the Sacred Sword as its Guardian; is kinda sad about the loss of freedom but accepts it.

-Generally a fun-loving and earnest person, if a bit silly.

Bewitching Verse

Beware the mischievous spirits of the bewitching season! Janna is a fickle, fun-loving, and tricksy witch, calling the sky and wind her domain. While her temper is nothing to scoff at, she is easily appeased with the promise of tricks or treats, so long as she gets a laugh out of it.

General

-Is a True Witch as an incarnation of magic

-Would rather play a trick than be serious

-Likes to offer gifts that almost always has a catch

-Fae-like behavior

-Has a bat-winged cat familiar that will gleefully bite you

-Has a very willful broom that often gets her into trouble

Star Guardian Verse

to be written

Odyssey Verse

A young and very lost Templar, Janna does all she can to hide her connection to ora amidst a chaotic galaxy. The Templar Order scattered before her training was completed, Janna seeks out any remnant of the Templars she can find, all the while terrified of the forces that hunt for those like her.

General

-Janna has an instinctual connection to Ora but is untrained.

-She needs to feel safe but is too cautious about trusting others, which has left her with only tenuous connections and allies.

-She feels vulnerable. She doesn’t know much about the details behind the Templar Order’s destruction only a bone deep fear of exposure.

-When relaxed, she is a very kind and earnest young woman, quick to laughter and gentleness.

Program Verse

Originally created by a brilliant but desperate citizen as a way to clear the choking pollution and smoke from the air, Program Janna was acquired when the Program Research Division approached the young inventor with an opening. Not much was heard of the unnamed youth afterwards, but soon several Janna units were distributed among the more smog-choked cities. Jannas provide clean air and even healing services to citizens both organic and synthetic, uplifting morale and providing a calm and welcoming atmosphere among the cities they are stationed in. The Original Janna continues to function, though it was upgraded both in terms of materials and appearance. Her creator’s code still powers many of her functions, creating an uneasy counter-voice to Program’s upgraded software.

General

-She is the original Janna unit, created by a young inventor determined to provide breathable air to their home.

-She received many upgrades when she was acquired by Program but still retains her base AI code with only a few modifications.

-Program has successfully coded her with its secret orders and particular ways of assessing the world and its inhabitants. However, her creator’s dream was to bring back hope and freedom from the government’s ‘help’. Janna’s AI can’t help but struggle between these conflicting mindsets.

Modern Verse

Janna has always dreamed of flying and the thrill of free fall is an enticing way of fulfilling those dreams. Her mother enrolled her in gymnastics at a young age, hoping to channel some of Janna’s more heart-stopping urges into something refined and safer. While studying at university, Janna was introduced to free running and stunts. It was the exhilarating work of a moment to incorporate her gymnastics background and she’s become known for crazy stunts. She seeks to expand her reportoire of skills and experiences, bouncing from extreme sport to extreme sport in an effort to chase that thrill. Once a friend suggested filming her exploits, Janna has become known as ‘Janna Windforce’ and can be found doing any number of death-defying stunts.

General

-Age: 26

-Height: 5'7"

-Family: Only child of a single mom

-Occupation: Adrenaline Seeker/Extreme Sports performer

-Sexuality: Pansexual

-Janna is willing to try just about anything so long as it gives her the burst of adrenaline she loves.

-She has a bird named Zephyr that goes wherever she goes. The little blue and white parakeet will cuddle up to Janna while simultaneously screeching and cussing and anyone he dislikes...which is pretty much anyone not Janna. She won’t say where he learned such language.

#janna verses #(little masterpost of the different aus I'm open to rp #(will expand if I feel the need to #modern au verse #immortal journey verse #program verse #bewitching verse #odyssey verse #star guardian verse

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hiphopguerrilla · 7 years ago

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Pro Sasuke Uchiha : Constructive Criticism of Kishimoto’s Antagonist

Disclaimer: I am not a critic. To anyone that disagrees, my humble opinion doesn’t count for anything because I’m just some loser in his mom’s basement as far as you’re concerned. I’m little more than a disappointed fan. Thank you for reading if you’ve go this far. Hope you can read the rest with objective consideration and without bias. This will be a long rant, you’ve been forewarned.

So I’ve been on a spree of criticism of Kishi’s work. Cannot help being criticil of an Artist/Writer who has let me down just as many times as he/she has inspired me. So because he let me down he has inspired me to write about some of the things I’m very critical of because I have no closure from the series and I can’t help but feel “Next Generation” wasn’t about love for writing the story anymore.

In the beginning of the series Sasuke isn’t yet the antagonist, but it’s clear Kishi intended the to of them to be rivals while building what was supposed to be, and in many ways, is a story of incredible bonds and friendship. It was clear he had a motivation behind what he wanted to do as far as the character developing into and I see, it seems anyway, that he deviated from that.

By the early stages of the character development it is established through Sasuke’s monolgue to Sakura “I am an avenger” that he never stopped grieving the loss of his clan and family and that he wanted the same closure fans never got. He said to Kakashi “I will restore my clan” and while I’m certain this isn’t meant to be taken literally he wanted to do right by their memory.

Understanding that he didn’t just lose his family, he was literally tortured at the age of 8(forced to endure something that had Kakashi bed ridden for a week), he lost connection to his heritage(remember Madara is one of the founding members of the village yet Sasuke had no clue who he was), he lost his idol in Itachi and was forced to deal with a damaged psyche that no one could really repair Itachi drilling in his head that he was some sort of coward. He has both an inferiority complex and a superiority complex because of the standard the Clan is held to. Rather than knowing what is and isn’t true with his parents to guide him through his mess of a life.

What’s disappointing is by the end of the series that wasn’t the main take away from his character. Why? Because the development of his character was stifled by Naruto. Yes, I’m talking about the main character of the story. It’s very relevant to know and understand that Kishi didn’t take time to develop many of the characters in the story. Tenten, Hinata, Lee to an extent, Ino, Choji, Kiba, and Shino among others I may even be forgetting because....yea its obvious.

So to the point. Naruto borders on being a gary stu because, seemingly, Kishi was more partial to him than anyone Sasuke included. That’s not to say Sasuke didn’t get charcter development, just he didn’t develop in a way that was understandable to the majority of fans.

As I was saying about the end of the story none of this is understood. Worst part being that Itachi overshadows Sasuke’s character in a way that is completely disrespectful to fans who had great insterest in the development of him as Sasuke’s antagonist. I do not in anyway disagree with the choice to make Itachi remain his loving brother, who made a difficult choice for the good of the village and the one he cared for the most, but to be honest the logic that comes out of Itachi’s choice and reasoning by fans loving him so yet having great disdain for Sasuke as describe: Whiny, emo, ungrateful, selfish, among other things is a fallacy. Most of those things are inaccurate as well hypocritical to praise Itachi at the same time.

Firstly lest start with him being ungrateful or selfish. It was immediately after the death of his clan, that this clearly life altering even influenced him to decide without doubt that he would devote his life to seeing JUSTICE for what happened then. This is how the story STARTED, please understand that it wasn’t until part 2 that this turns into full blown revenge and blind hatred in a completely hypocritical manner that made fans who already disliked Sasuke absolutely loathe him. I’ll say again this is merely so Naruto could play hero and save his soul(see there I’m getting irritated thinking about this already).

If you have a goal like becoming Hokage, or President of the United States, or First Pick in the NFL draft, or becoming head Medic nin, whatever real life or fictional you know that you can’t just decide to give it up because people say it is Irrational. Sasuke’s ultimate goal was to avenge his family. That meant he had to become strong enough to defeat Itachi, which meant sacrifices must be made.

What did he sacrifice. A normal childhood, his friendships, and the closest thing he had to a family since his blood relatives died. Yet Sasuke is selfish? Sacrificing your frienships and chance at a normal life in favor of a decision you made at 8 years old because of the family you LOVED is probably the most selfless thing a person can do. I often see people compare him to both Kakashi, and Naurto in these cases to justify loathing his character and making silly memes to ridicule him.

Kakashi couldn’t get revenge on anyone, seeing as how his only family commit suicide, The White Fang was not murdered/slaughtered. As far as Rin and Obito, they died in the line of duty they weren’t killed simply because some evil bastard(as far as Sasuke knew) wanted to “Test my power.”

Naruto, had no connection to his family until Jiraiya and also had no concept of vengence until Jiraiya died, and If we are really to give credit where its due, the only reason he chooses not to avenge him is 1. Because it would go agaisnt his Masters wishes 2. Because he see the weight Sasuke’s had to carry and wants to free his friend from that pain. He can’t do that if he chooses to walk a path that was not his.

Another thing that Kishi made very clear was that was the point. Sasuke was at his best when he was written as a character that manifests his own reality, and walks his own path without regret. Let’s not forgot that Fugaku is nothing like Jiraiya. He didn’t raise Sasuke to aim for peace or anything like that, in fact, one of the Uchiha’s rules is that they don’t take prisoners. Yet another reason Sasuke took it upon himself to kill Itachi, it was his duty.

Then of course, yes I’m about to go there you’ve been wared, there’s the SasuSaku thing. Why? Just why? This relationship, was never called for from the get go. Another reason so many Americans are so messed up that they don’t understand the difference between true love and infatuation. Where does Sakura’s “love” begin, where does Sasuke’s more importantly? Was that established with any certainty?

In the beginning the bulk off their interaction consisted with Sasuke ignoring her and calling her annoying. The nicest thing he says to her the entire series is “Thank you.” seriously? Not “I’ll miss you.” not “I care for you...deeply” but “Thank you.” Thats like something you say when someone passes the salt at the dinner table.

What is their connection? I refuse to bring up other pairs because is about Sasuke development as a character not SasuSaku. Sakura does nothing but follow Sasuke around like a love sick puppy and by the end of the series, it somehow pays off and while it may feel like a win for fans of that pair, to me as a fan of the overall series and writing that makes sense even in a fictional world where characters have superpowers. There should be some logic there at least.

What we know at the start of part one is Sakura is a 12 year old girl with a crush on the most popular boy in school. Hilarious, that’s the foundation of this pairing, never in part one and hardly anything in the series at all does it explain where these “romantic” feelings developed. It least we know why Hinata admires Naruto (sorry nothing more on NaruHina,another time perhaps).

And Sasuke never shows any affection to her what so ever besides “Thank you.” of course and gently lying her on the park bench. Don’t think I don’t notice the SasuSaku moments either. Like when he was about to break both of Zaku’s arms and Sakura hugs him. Probably as close ot romance as it gets and Sasuke is being hugged from behind. He doesn’t initiate the hug and he doesn’t hug her back, he stands there suprised at probably the first time he’s been hugged since his mother was murdered.

Understand this, if you take that as a sign Sasuke felt the same, fine. That is absolutely acceptable, even understandable. However, for me, that is a bit half assed. It’s really not much to go on over the course of 700 chapters to say they “fell in love”. Because to me love does not equate to trying to force someone to notice you for two years, having attempts at affection met with disdain and even physical assault, like when he slaps the apples she spent so much time carving out of her hands as she visited him and tried to feed him at the hospital.

I’m sure I don’t have to mention the actual attempted murder at the summit to anybody so that’s all I’ll say about it for now. Now back to Sasuke’s overall story as I prepare to close. The summit was probably the biggest chance to turn Sasuke into an admirable character in fans eyes.

Instead what Kishi does is comepletely wreck his character, so he can be the antagonist and be saved by Naruto. There’s even this little comparison by Karin where she see’s how evil and corrupt Sasuke is, another innocent he tried to kill, and then sees how pure Naruto’s soul is. It was ridiculous. I understand Naruto is the hero of the story, but that never meant Sasuke HAD to be the villain.

He even turns the entire situation with Danzo and his orders to have the Uchiha clan annihilated into a complete mess. Sasuke has gone batshit, and rather than being a person trying to do right by his clan and his brother’s memory, Kishi turns him into this absolute fiend who will murder even his own allies just to make some silly point based on a story told him by a guy who’s real faces he’s never seen even once. A guy who wasn’t even the real Madara Uchiha. As if Sasuke was never strong enough to separate himself from his emotions and what he believes is right. Itachi was already dying and he wanted Sasuke to kill him as atonement. He killed the uchiha in favor of the leaf why would he want Sasuke to destroy the village.

If he were written properly Sasuke would’ve killed Danzo and walked his own path, facing Naruto one final time and either dying or leaving all of that mess behind. It would’ve been fine for him to return to the village if he there to sow seed and start a new with the Uchiha clan. Instead he's a glorified prize for Sakura and Sasusaku fans, as well as someone Naruto basically stalked for 2 years just to force him to not even be in the picture anyway.

As I said in the beginning, or someone in the middle maybe. Sasuke was at his best when he was written as an independent character walking his own path and sacrificing what mattered most to him in favor of doing right by his people, his family, his clan. I thank anyone who made it to the bottom of this post.

#constructive criticism #naruto shippuden #naruto part 2 #manga/anime #anti-sasusaku #pro sasuke uchiha #madara uchiha #itachi uchiha #the uchiha clan #musashi kishimoto #poor-writing #character development #gary-stu #antagonists #anti-heroes #sasuke uchiha #sakura haruno #naruto uzumaki

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mondofunnybooks · 7 years ago

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'THANOS'S GRANDAUGHTER: GO SUCK EGGS GRANDPA!' DEPT.

'The title means exactly what the words say: NAKED Lunch - a frozen moment where everyone sees exactly what is on the end of every fork.'

-William Burroughs, from the foreword notes for the novel 'Naked Lunch'.

THE GATEKEEPERS!

As may not possibly surprise you lot, we've run afoul of some of the more humourless elements of fandom in our time. This is probably down to the fact that we don't take superhero comics very seriously but are utterly enamoured of some of the more sillier elements of history. True story. We were once told off by a man in Green Lantern fangroup (We were bored.) because we thought that the origin of Kyle Rayner is so nakedly Freudian and 'Will this do?' to be hilarious.

To recap:

On a planet called Oa exists a race of short, bald humanoids with large heads called The Guardians. The Guardians believe in enforcing Order in the universe and go about this by way of selecting the most suitable candidate (called a Green Lantern.) of each sector of the universe to be given a power ring that does whatever the wearer can imagine. This ring had no effect on anything yellow due to a necessary flaw in the design to stop the wearer from having absolute power. Also, it has to be recharged every 24 hours.

Our sector of the universe is 2814, and of the 7200 Lanterns patrolling the universe at any given time, ours was a chap called Hal Jordan. Very strong-willed, very daring. Hal got the ring off an alien called Abin Sur who was on his way to give either him or a ginger bloke with a Moe haircut called Guy. Hal happened to be closer than Guy, so got the ring.

Hal Jordan went onto be a successful Green Lantern for several years but things went terribly wrong when a big yellow space tyrant called Mongul, teaming with a cyborg pretending to be Superman destroyed Hal's home of Coast City, murdering tens of thousands of people and left Hal shattered, feeling he'd failed in his duty as Earth's protector.

The loss of everything Hal cared about sent him insane, and he attempted to resurrect his destroyed home using the power ring, but he could only achieve a replica of what he'd lost and the ring wasn't designed to create that much matter for a presumably infinite period of time. His perceived second failure cemented his full breakdown, and he went on a murderous rampage in order to gather as many Green Lantern rings as possible on the way to returning to Oa is seize the original Green Lantern ring. Things go quite wrong as Hal murders the entire Lantern Corp and all but one of the Guardians: Ganthet.

Ganthet, a wee blue fella cosplaying as Orko off the He-Man cartoons pegs it back to Earth. Once there, he floats to L.A., sees a drunk bloke taking a piss against a wall and gives him the final power ring before sodding off, exclaiming 'The Ring will sort you, mate. No worries.'

A BLUE SPACE MIDGET IN A RED DRESS GIVES A DRUNK LAD ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL WEAPONS IN THE UNIVERSE AND THEN FUCKS OFF IS THE ORIGIN OF KYLE RAYNER, GREEN LANTERN OF EARTH.*

This would be weird as a 1960's comic but at least the DC Editors of the '60s had no idea any of this stuff would be reprinted and pored (Hi, Donald.) over by future generations. Supergirl is having a relationship with a fella who turns into her horse but she doesn't know about it? Fine. There's a space creature from the fifth dimension who has a real thing for winding up Superman every ninety days and can only be stopped by tricking him into saying his name backwards? Gotcha. Batman owns a dog who fights crime but wears a mask on patrol so no one will link Ace The Bat-Hound with Bruce Wayne. Of COURSE. Beppo The Super-Monkey? PRINT IT! Who will care in five years? Who will even remember, right?

Green Lantern 50 (2nd series, 1994) was published post Watchmen, post Dark Knight Returns, post Brat Pack and all of the other silly 'Corporate Superheroes Can Be For Adults' malarkey. We were now aware of subtext, metaphor, aspirational text and either this is a daft attempt at being a mature comic (which given it features a nervous breakdown, genocide, the total psychological breakdown of one of the icons of the DCU and the first example of 'Fridging' quite soon after, it ought to be.) or it's a very bad attempt at pitching a superhero comic at the kids.

The real answer was of course that DC were trying to get attention back they'd lost to the Marvel Superstar period and subsequent formation of Image. Superman grew a mullet, Batman needed a wheelchair and was replaced with a religious nutter wearing Vatican levels of gold, Wonder Woman was replaced with a giant legged redhead, The Flash broke his leg. It was all kicking off.

But we always found the whole Kyle thing hilarious, and when making our usual jokes about it ('Good thing Ganthet didn't run into Richard Pryor!', etc.) we were scolded. It turns out the story had been rewritten a bit as part of something called Green Lantern: Rebirth so it made a bit more sense. Lord knows some of our best friends are comic fans, but when they start quoting the continuity of a DC comic with capitals like they WERE reciting THE Bible and Geoff Johns DID make it GOOD, we get a bit scared.

All that was a recap of 5 comics. (Green Lantern 47-50 and Superman 80) and was almost impossible to recap straight. When we tried to give a factual, chronological accounting of these comics, we weren't capable of throwing in a few puns. And circa 1989-1993, nor were the staff of Marvel Year In Review.

When people try to contemplate the early 90's and Marvel, they think of Spider-Man 1, X-Force 1, X-Men 1. If you narrow the field down to Marvel Magazines, probably the movie adaptations, poster specials and most likely the BEAUTIFUL Marvel Illustrated Swimsuit Editions. Few will remember the spectacular Marvel Year In Review annuals. That's a shame, because with one notable exception* it was the last time they displayed an ability to take the mick out of themselves beside the better issues of John Byrne's run on She-Hulk or the comedy title 'What The--?!' (also canceled, sadly in 1993.).

Marvel Year In Review, in theory, was probably originally designed to be exactly that: A chronological overview of every comic published by Marvel over the previous 12 months. That sounds simple enough but can you imagine being the poor saps who not only have to read all those comics but attempt to sum them up as a factual synopsis. The work and time we just put into four issues of Green Lantern was murder and at least interesting things happened in those books. 'Hey, Dwight here's all of Acts Of Vengeance to work out, and see if you can explain what a Captain Universe is and why Spidey might become possessed by his powers, there's a pie in it for you. Barry, you got Atlantis Attacks.' Interns were probably diving out of the window at the sight of editor Bobbie Chase approaching them with a stack of Alpha Flight.

So rather than put out another dry, just the facts ma'am comic to sit along Marvel Age, The Offical Handbook Of The Marvel Universe or Marvel Preview, they changed gears. Marvel opted for a magazine format with covers emulating the likes of Time and later National Lampoon and sadly unnoticed New York-centric mag Spy. The early issues provided something of a review of the year but in journalistic form for some of the bigger events juxtaposed with pieces on 'Best and Worst Dressed' and ads for products like Damage Control, who would sort out your house if it'd been trashed in a fight between The Hulk and The Wrecker, a tourist ad for Latveria, posters for the new Simon Williams film or a flyer for the next Dazzler disco compilation. Long before Alex Ross painted every last rock on Ben Grimm's back, Marvel TYIR gave you an insight into what it would be like to be a resident of the Marvel Universe reading a 616 style issue of National Lampoon.

MYIR also ran interviews with various superheroes, (Including Rick Jones recounting the time he met Elvis, by far the best thing to come out of Infinity Gauntlet/War/Crusade.) a review of Nightcat's debut album, an appetite suppressant for Galactus, the 'Who Died This Year, Who Came Back From The Dead and Who Managed To Stay Dead' update, an expose of Genosha's tourist, a create your own 90's superhero name and origin generator (which turned out to be surprisingly accurate.) an account of two disenfranchised rival employees's visit to the Marvel Offices and ooh, loads more.

This is speculation on our part, but the knife gets a lot sharper around the 1992-1993 editions. The full chronology is written with a weary black humour of someone's who just seen too much and is getting bitter. The full-on assault on the 1993 annuals, certain top-tier artists 'showing their influences too clearly' and inadvertently predicting the future of more brutal and uncaring superhero comics in the article 'Bring On The Bad Guys' from MYIR 1993.

There's a huge shift in attitude and editorial policy in the next 12 months. Several publishers have gone bust, Tom Defalco is gone as Editor In Chief and replaced with 5 people in charge of various parts of the publishing line, turning Marvel into a series of little fiefdoms with varying degrees of co-operation between each other. We've just met Peter Parker's robot parents. Aunt May is about to die. Reed Richards is dead. Jim Wilson is dead. Legion resolves to kill Magneto. Dr Strange has an idea for something called 'The Secret Defenders'. Everything is about to get very serious and therefore far more ripe for parody.

And with no word, no goodbye from the editors, nothing in the fan press nor explanation, Marvel Year In Review 1994 was solicited thusly:

'Marvel Year In Review 1994 - Just the facts, ma'am. Gone is the tongue-in-cheek humor of the past; the Marvel Year in Review offers a factual recap of the major Marvel Universe events of 1994. It's short on lengthy text and long on splashy art and fact-filled sidebars. Included are all the happenings from the pages of X-Men, Spider-Man, Fantastic Four and Ghost Rider, plus art by Andy Kubert, Chris Bachalo, Tom Lyle and many others! $2:95. $4.00 CAN'

And it was. Normal comic size. No chatty opener from the editor with puns and gags. No angry letters from readers just wanting to know what happened in X-Force and wanting to be rid of the MODAM jokes. No ads. Not even, truth be told, much in the way of recaps so much as trade dress-less cover repros with dialogue quotes and a paragraph or two to cover the essential plot elements, finished with the most perfunctory 'Er, will this do?' appeal to the readers on the last page. Turns out that no, it wouldn't do at all, as there was no Marvel Year In Review 1995 or any other edition either.

Marvel has put out a few self-parody books since, such as Marvel RIOT!, House Of Hem, Marvel WHAT Now?, Who Won't Wear The Shield, Wha HUH? and obviously Deadpool crosses the lines frequently, but there's not been something that clever nor ambitious since. Perhaps the line between reader, writer and editor aren't as clear as they used to be or simply today's audience wouldn't be as immediately familiar with the formats being parodied and as the recent attempts to parody Marvel fanfiction have shown, sometimes an idea just belongs to its time. As a magazine that featured fun work by the likes of Todd McFarlane, Dan Slott, Sam Kieth, Peter David, Kevin Maguire and a different angle on a world that takes itself a little bit seriously at times, Marvel Year In Review was a fun little ride while it lasted.

(Note to self. Never, ever look up Marvel fanfiction again. Ever.)

*This may be different now but was certainly the case in 1994. Origins, histories and such might have changed due to 52, Convergence and Rebirth. We were told that Flashpoint was the end of the DC Universe as we knew it, and we took that as a good place to stop reading. Except Section Eight and Batman/Elmer Fudd obviously.

Dedicated to the memory of Steve Ditko.(1927-2018)

#Marvel #DC #Spider-Man #Green Lantern #Year In Review #Todd Mcfarlane #Jim Lee #kevin maguire #Sam Kieth #X-Men #Punisher #Deadpool #Sabretooth

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elonthor · 7 years ago

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lady siofra:

The delicate woman’s voice carried through the breeze like the sound of birds chirping in the wind, both far away from and all around Siofra as she sat in the greenhouse.

“To find true love muddle the petals of a pink rosebud in a dish of milk and sugar under the light of a new moon.” Siofra scribbled furiously in her notebook.

“And then what, Daphne? Add the hair of a horse born at midnight in the third stall of the stable of a barn built in an odd numbered year?” Siofra almost missed the hint of a sly smile as the voice continued on seemingly amused.

“Laugh now but separately each of these ingredients might help you determine your fate, sweet child. It’s up to you to know.” Siofra nodded solemnly. Normally she was hungry for knowledge and soaked up every last word Daphne breathed. For everything Andre knew, Daphne had the knowledge that Siofra couldn’t explain. If Daphne hadn’t started whispering to her the former queen would have surely gotten away with murdering Siofra as expediently and cleanly as the former queen had murdered Siofra’s father. For all Daphne knew, she seemed truly blase about the duties a young, unmarried, orphan regent had ahead of her.

“I suppose it would be prudent to manifest feelings of love for my husband once I find out who he is. Andre has allowed a potential suitor to begin his journey to the castle. So this may prove useful sooner rather than later.”

“Vindel? Andre will never open the gates for someone with so many -” Daphne paused to hiss - “scars”.

Siofra chuckled softly to herself. “Emotional or physical?”

Daphne’s voice floated above Siofra’s shoulder and became almost imperceptible. “Both taste sweet on the right man’s lips, child. You’ll find out soon enough.”

________________________________

As Daphne’s voice faded out on the wind, Siofra awoke with a bolt in her bed to find she was decidedly not in her bed. Her journal strewn out on the floor with some blankets and pillows she had dragged there the night before. Hemlock tea sitting by the bedside in a shallow pool at the liquid from her clumsy attempts to set it down the night before. Everything from the day before came rushing back to her. The letter, the festival, and, for better or worse, the long islands. The more she remembered, the more her head began to pound. Siofra pulled out her medicine kit and began mixing things together.

Hyskaria was undoubtedly caring for Vindel by this point assuming that he hadn’t recovered. For all she remembered Vindel reacted rather strongly to the drinks, but save for his incessant chatter about sex and love and other things that would make Andre faint from impropriety, seemed fine and as always entwined with Hyskaria. When she first met the pair Siofra couldn’t believe the two. A tiefling and a prince.

Siofra hadn’t been in the world for terribly long, but Andre’s lessons on royalty told her that no real prince would abandon his duty for love. In fact, the entire idea insulted her entire upbringing. She’d never admit it to them now but Siofra took the couple’s blatant happiness as a personal offense at first. Although now the thought of the two often inspired an absent minded smile on her face.

Mint for nausea. Muddle the herb with ginger to soothe the nerves. Rock wouldn’t need anything much either. While Siofra didn’t quite understand Rock or his poison of choice, she assumed he didn’t quite understand her hemlock tea either. Perhaps, he was tolerant of most poisons too. Siofra made a mental note to inquire after him about this. A pinch of Valerian to calm the nerves. She knew that she and Elonthor needed this tincture to calm the pounding in both their heads.

If the drinks affected me, then how in the many realms would he even be able to get out of bed. That sweet poisonable elf. Her hand combed through the ingredient pouches in her kit in search of sugar, her fingers loosely brushing past a bag of pink rosebuds and her face flushed with at the sudden memory of a spell Daphne taught her ages ago.

Somewhat flustered she pulled out the sugar, to sweeten the medicine and mask the tin-like taste of the valerian. With it popped out a bag of cinnamon. For a moment she paused, trying to remember what Daphne had said about cinnamon years ago. Siofra shook her head as if trying to shake off the thought. Daphne was a geranium and in a completely different kingdom. Elonthor was nearby right then and needed Siofra and she somehow knew it. Cinnamon tastes great in tea and makes a good stirring implement, nothing more. Siofra walked to the door stirring the tea and hoping that Elonthor would be pleased to have her company in this moment rather than annoyed at the existence of the world as her books led her to believe he might. She swung open the door lost in her own thoughts when all of a sudden she ran into him. Elonthor was at her door and her sudden shock back to reality from her thoughts left her speechless.

“Good morning, Lady Siofra. I trust you slept well?” Elonthor smiled at her with a kindness that slowed her thoughts. She nodded slowly.

“Better now that you’re here.” She grinned and opened the door a bit wider to invite him in. “Tea?”

________________________________

elonthor:

The library in Elegion was home to many books, especially the one upon the higher levels and within the walls of the Castle. He was lucky enough while growing up, to browse the countless texts on past battles that had been carried out, their victories and losses, studies of beasts, other races that existed outside their walls, and among all else, texts that still boggled his mind to this day: those about love, seeking out/finding love.

Most were mere tales, carried to Elegion by wandering bards, none exactly confirmed. But he found them entirely amazing. In all of his years, he never had experienced what love truly was. He’d been told by his mother of very few things when he’d come to her of certain feelings.

“My dear child, it sounds as though you have what they call a ‘crush’,” She would beam at him, and pull him close. “Tell me more about her, I want to know everything.”

She would sit beside him upon his bed as he listlessly went on about the elvish girl in his classes, or one that he had passed upon the cobblestone road to school as he wandered through the market prior, or on an errand. Each time she would listen with a smile. But soon such stories were deemed childish, as he was made to focus upon his military life, and rising in the ranks to join his older brothers and sisters, as well as his mother and father. Love was not commonplace as you grew older, not here anyway. “It is childish, he is no longer a child. Stop filling his head with silly things such as this!” He recalled his father stating rather flatly to his mother, when he arrived home one evening after shopping the markets. “He must focus, and not be blinded by such desires.”

His heart sank, and he grew cold, dismissive. Though still dreamed of change...though the thoughts of love, or even finding someone to fill such a void, were placed far back in the reaches of his mind.

________________________________

He blinks quietly down at Siofra, his form seemingly looming over the tiny female. His brow furrows upon her greeting as his head tilts to the side, as if attempting to understand what she meant by her being ‘better now that he was there’.

“I am...unsure as to what you mean by that…Lady Siofra,” He states quietly, before pursing his lips into a fine line, and peered past her, looking within her room. It seemed rather quaint, and for some reason, the scents and smells within while it reminded him of an alchemist's lab, it also reminded him of home? Which garnered a rather comforting feeling within him.

‘Better now that you are here’, he ran the statement within his mind a few more times, thinking back to the texts he’d read and there was a strange and taken aback look upon his face when it had finally clicked. He blinked rather quickly, looking back down towards Siofra, who still holding the cup of tea up towards him, seemed as though she was standing upon her tiptoes just so that he would take it.

There was a slight hint of pink upon his cheeks as she’d opened her door just a bit more in order to invite him in. Reaching down, he would take the cup from her, as gently as he could manage. “Tea? I-- uhm...that does sound...rather nice, yes. Thank you.” The scent of the tea wasn’t at all common to him as he brought it up to his lips, but she was a cleric after all, so there was no way it would...harm him? He hesitated a moment, and entered her room, taking a sip from the cup.

Honi scampered up the steps directly after his master, entering Siofra’s room, but not after the wolf had attempted to lick Siofra’s face a few times. Prancing happily after his master, he would find a place that was suitable enough for him to lay down, and sprawled out upon the floor. Elonthor peered further about the room, to and fro, eyes quickly scanning the environment before he looked back to Siofra, rather embarrassed. “Ah, apologies.” His ears seemed to droop just a hair, as if he were an animal that had done something wrong.

“Thank you for...the tea, Lady Siofra. If I might ask, what type of tea is it? It is...rather good, and soothing. And another question, if you would allow me to ask? How are you feeling this morning? I pray better than I, as it seems I defecated some of the vile ale I had consumed last evening.” He makes a rather sour face a that, as he recalls the bucket he’d moved out into the hall when he awoke.

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chasingeast · 5 years ago

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Day 1: Let’s Begin- 10:55 A.M., Saturday, December 21, 2019

Dear Me,

This is your time. Use this power. This will be a place for you to recognize and record your triumphs your losses. The highs and the lows. I want you to reminisce and learn. To grow and blossom into something greater. I've thought to myself often ever since I was younger what I might truly want out of life in itself and it's still a question I'm asking myself. What I want out of it. I felt like for so long I had this Grand idea of what it might look like, how I might look like, when it would happen. And in my present and current years I've learned that it isn't anything to what I imagined. I thought I would have been married by now with my first child on the way, I thought I would have my career set in stone, I would be with someone, that so many other things would have been in place. And yet, to the surprises of life, I have certain things and still more yet to come. I always told myself that it would be when I was 28. That it was the most magical number because of an anime character I used to love named Rurouni Kenshin. He lived life, even though it was made up. It just seemed like everything was so wonderful at a time when nothing was set in stone. The world was ahead of me, I had so much life to live still. Fast forward 10+ years into the present and here we are.

I have a job which I’m still on probation for, but does it really matter? I know I do well at it. I have a gift and a nack that, though I wouldn’t go around boosting to everyone, that I am pretty damned good at it. Could there be other areas within the field that I could improve in? Yes. I’m learning from them each day and am trying to make a breakthrough. It has been a direction for me for so long. When you were younger, you were told that you had to go to school to go to college and finally pick a degree. Teaching has been a direction for me for as long as I can remember. Why? I’m not completely sure how it started, but I do know that I felt so proud of myself when I was able to work with the kids at chinese school when I was in middle school and volunteering. There was just something so special about it. Maybe it was because it was at a time when I was so shy that speaking was painful, but with the kids, the words would just pour out of me. The praise also helped from everyone around me. My peers, the teachers, and other adults recognized that within me.

I can’t say it’s always been easy. Right after college I took some time off because I wanted to go on my first overseas trip with my parents and univoice to china. I started to substitute shortly after I believe in the spring of 2013, which turned into a teacher aide position within a month until the end of the year. I was so nervous at the time to substitute. I still remember my first class which I believe was 4th grade. I didn’t know if they would listen to me and especially the rumored 8th grade class, which turned out great. Through many recommendations and praise from others, I ended up starting my job as a first grade teacher there, which I taught for two years. It was a difficult time. I felt like I was on top of the world, but struggled so much. When I look back now, I’m horrified at the type of teacher I was. I was not nice or kind, and struggled because I didn’t know what to do. I was just a child at the time at the age of 22 with a class of 21 students that I did not know how to manage. I can say that after 2 full years, many substituting opportunities, to another teacher aide position, to 3 maternity leave positions, I finally have put in my time with 2 full tenure tracked years, with currently my 3rd that I’m working on at the moment. I put in a great deal of effort and I know that effort does not always result with the best product, but I am getting smarter each day and am trying my best with things. I want to learn from each trial and hope that each day will bring me a new adventure and excitement to keep me going. I don’t know how my future will look nor what I will be doing in years to come, but I know at least right now this is where I am meant to be.

I have friends and family that I value and treasure. Now I can’t say that it’s been easy in the slightest either. My friends are so independent and lost in their own worlds, I feel like if I didn’t bring us together, then we never would be. I am not going around telling my tales of glory of how I am the glue for my friends, but I’m also not humble enough to hide it either. I love my old friends from college who though we’ve continued to go our own ways still find time for each other at least every now and again. My new friend whom I love dearly and is my support system at school. My new colleagues who I’m getting along with, although not quite close friends, but maybe one day. My old friend, who I love dearly and is my heart and soul understands me like no one else. E, who is also a dear friend, and sly and curt, but filled with love stories and fantasies. My univoice group whom I love and friends from all over who I adore. I love them for sticking through and being there for me. For my friends who do silly things with me and dress up as pizzas and run for a video montage. Who will have parties with me and help me clean. Who will be there for me in time of need and after every break up that I think they’re annoyed with me. Do I wish that some of them could be a little crazier and be more courageous, yes. I don’t mind though. I like spending time with them on occasion and I also enjoy doing my own things and being myself and my own person.

My family has been a whirlwind. There have been so many things that have happened in the past. Between ugliness and angst built against my family. The greed I learned about when I was younger about my dad’s side and selfishness that tore away at all my ideas of family values. The new selfishness that I continue to learn about my mom’s side when it comes to choices and greed that comes out of entitlement. I struggled with that for years now. It tore at me and broke me down in many ways that I do believe have helped me and forced me to see myself for who I am and who I want to be so that I can avoid being like them at all costs. My parents who are in constant peril and arguments because of poor communication and lack of duty towards one another. The white elephant in the room which will determine whether they hold together or separate due to divorce. My brother who I miss dearly and has run away yet again to find happiness elsewhere. I am happy for him, yet envious because I feel leashed to where I am with duties as a responsible daughter to the family.

I have my passions which I am thankful to have found others to share them with. I can’t say that I’ve necessarily grown in this department because I am still very much a homebody.

I love creating things. It brings me joy to make something. Knowing that I’m able to figure it out and see it through with an end result. My recent project was a body scrub which I gave to my coworkers as a present. It was a green tea peppermint scrub. Smells great, but is still in trial phase! Hopefully it works well!

I love to cook or bake or anything with food. I took E out to make handmade pasta. Though I can’t remember the name of the rolled pasta, it was delicious, as was the sauce! I’m hoping to make more in the future.

I love arts and crafts. It’s something that I’ve pushed to the backside for a long time. Probably because it consumed so much of my time. It was always so tedious. I loved every drawing and painting I created. I have a drive to do more. I like the metal art that I’ve started, as well as the wooden box. There’s still the miniature dollhouse I need to start. I’ve painted motivational rocks. I bought canvases to start painting winter scenes (my favorite).

I like to learn new things whether it be my hobby or someone else’s hobby. I just want to take it all in. The only new thing that I’ve done so far was to go to a board game convention with yahan and her friends. They’re crazy, but you can see the friendship and the love they have for each other. I love board games now. It’s not just a little part, it’s huge! Well, it certainly depends on having friends, but when you do it’s great! In years past I’ve been to popup events and lantern festivals. I would like to do more of that.

I love to be outdoors. It’s been a huge part of me for years now ever since I graduated college, so exactly 7 years ago. I needed a passion at the time and somehow it stumbled upon me while spending time with friends. We started slowly with hikes which turned into backpacking and camping. I can’t say that I’ve done as much as when I was younger but I do love each and every bit of it. I wish there was more I could do. I love looking at all the travel bloggers websites but something that I’ve come to realize most recently is that it’s just a fantasy. I might have the bravery to tackle certain activities but in all honesty, I don’t know that I’d even want to nowadays. In no way shape or form have I lost my love for the outdoors and hiking, but rather my goals have shifted. It’s still something that brings me joy. It is still something that challenges me. I needed this challenge to push myself. At the time, long ago when he and I broke up I needed something to distract me. This was the only thing that I had. I needed it to survive. Now, it’s nice when I can go but maybe not an end all.

I have my hopes and dreams. There are many things that I wish to accomplish. There are bigger things out there for me that I would like to do.

I would like to improve my mental wellness. I feel like I focus so much energy on negativity sometimes that it becomes all consuming. I need to learn to listen, understand it’s meaning, but let it go.

I would like to focus on my weaknesses. I want to develop a stronger backbone and really put my foot down when needed. I don’t want to let others push me around. I also don’t want to follow others and allow things to be just because I feel like there’s no other choice or because I just feel that I need them and would do anything for them.

I would really like to break out of my comfort zone. I’d like to say I got a head start on that goal with Yahan and her friends. I wish I could have spoken more and opened up rather than seeming like a lost puppy, but it was the first time for me so I can’t expect much at the moment. I want to get to know more people and learn from them. I want to broaden my horizons and see the world through other people’s eyes so that one day I too can experience it with my own version.

I want to be braver and take chances. I want to love myself fully and see myself for who I really am. I want to constantly grow. That doesn’t necessarily mean I have to be different all the time, but if there is something I don’t like then I don’t want to linger and let it stay around to fester. I want to develop and become the best version of myself for myself.

I want to stop falling for the first person I interact with. There is something to be said about developing and having a connection with someone. There is also something to be said about not misinterpreting someone who is simply being kind and well mannered with a person who is flirting with you. They can still be nice to you but not actually like you in that way. I’m thankful that so and so never responded to my message. He sent me pictures that he snapped of me, which I thought was creepy considering it was only our 2nd time seeing each other (I’m also pretty sure there were more photos) but I’m glad he never responded. I was in a weak position and desperate for attention. It stung a little at first but I got over it like anything else fairly quick. It wasn’t meant to be and though it was a rude awakening, it was one of the most important ones. I’m sure that there will be someone out there who compliments me and will appreciate me for who I am. In order to find that person though, it’s going to require all the right ingredients of which I may not have in order at the moment but it’s okay.

I want to see if I can discover what in this world will make my heart beat. To make my heart race each and every day and make me feel the need to put my best foot forward each day. I want to know all of it and more. I want to know if there is more to life than just mulling around each day going to work, going home, sleeping, and repeating. I want to know what the highs and lows are. The small and simple joys that make everything worth it.

I won’t deny that I am going to start writing more often to myself out of inspiration from He. I’ve always looked up to him. Rolled my eyes plenty at him, but never-the-less, he has always been someone so special and irreplaceable to me. Love has been such a difficult thing for me. I feel like there just isn’t anything for me. I wonder half the time if the way I am , the situation I’ve gotten myself into is simply because of the expectations I’ve held or because of the longing I have that they could all replicate an irreplaceable person. I’m not necessarily saying that I won’t date anyone just because I’m writing. I am instead saying that I’m hoping by writing, I will be able to capture all of my memories and save them for myself so that I don’t ever forget them. I want to use any means possible to solidify my thoughts. I often found using all my senses helped me best. I was never perfect, worst at best, but I’m still trying.

I want to learn from myself and grow into a better person. I want to document my successes and failures so that hopefully one day I can prevent the same ones from happening. I want to find peace from within and I know that’s only possible if I let go of my grudges and my high standards. That doesn’t mean I can’t have one, but I need to learn to love a person and not the ideal traits that I want from them. It’s still nice if it can work hand in hand though. I want to start a family with someone who I trust and will bring me the same amount of joy that I bring them on a daily basis. I want to be someone who I will be proud of and can tell stories about to my students and my children and grandchildren. I want to be someone that others will look up to and turn to when in need, not because I need to be a savior, but because I want to be a leader to guide others and myself.

I’ve written for many years letters to those I can’t speak to anymore. My heart is still hurt from S who I gave every ounce of my effort towards and love towards to try and reconcile to see if maybe I would be worth it to someone. I think he could have been worth it, but in the time and place we are currently in, I don’t see it. I also don’t want a man who won’t act like a man or a protector. At the end of the day, I want someone who will watch my back, like I know how I’d throw myself to defend them from harm's way.

There’s something to be said about wanting to be with someone and being okay on your own. I think you need to love yourself first in order to love someone else. I do love myself, but there are parts of me that I am unsure of. I don’t need to know the answer to everything. I don’t have to stay firm in all my decisions because they can change. I just know that I need to make things change myself first. I want to in order to give myself and someone else the best chance. I like being alone and doing my own things. I just also want someone I can share adventures, hopes, and dreams with. It’s something that I crave. I mean I also miss sex too, but who doesn’t. Hopefully somewhere out there it will happen. In the meantime, I want to document all the feats and triumphs and silliness of everyday life so that when I one day meet someone and we see eye to eye that I have plenty of stories to tell them of how I got to where I am.

Love Always,

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