all--is--vanities

[all--is--vanities]

Your sweet,angelic voice enwrapped in sadness,

a softness, sweetness, swaying

like upon a delicate wind

its as if just the noise of your being piercings my fragile heart- or so does it weaken due to your frequency?

I often think of what little I know of you

I often wonder how you lived out your life,

what thoughts went through your mind

I hope to meet you in another life but also, this distance between us is so warming

I feel a love to what idea of a person I can see and maybe its best to keep that way

keep your voice so soft and distant - as if I hear you wailing over the horizon

your voice a distant calling in a dense, dark forest of unknown

all that is known,

is this feeling of longing.

A hand reaching out to the void

and at these moments I think, perhaps I am to give up reaching for this absentness

and look down, reach down and grasp the cold grass beneath me, and the lonesome flowers at my side

[all--is--vanities]

tiring being forced to open new chapters in life over and over as it all comes apart

I guess something stable would be nice

[all--is--vanities]

Crow and Blossom, Ohara Koson, ca. 1910

[all--is--vanities]

seems ive been trapped in this thick, blue forest

the hue of darkness the only vision of the future

the trees surround me on all sides,

they reach up to the moon blinding me from all else

and in front of me lay a painting of dreams;

beautiful colorful green hills, flowers of the rainbow, the freedom of the breeze and endless features of what is to come.

This hope, a dream, an illusion- I know this because it is not meant for me

I can only peer in, touch its canvas and sadden at the thoughts,

how beautiful, how wonderful how I have come so close to but it will never be for me

yet i see the reality of this dream in others

perhaps those who deserve it,

those human beings with the fervor to know and chase happiness.

How i wish it could be me,

but I unfortunately, come to my senses. Reality hits and I am back in the forest closing in on me.

In the corner of my eyes are these figures of humans passing by

perhaps sneaking a look at me?

sometimes they frighten me; and at times, I muster the encourage of eye contact

and if they don't disappear,

there is nothing for their face.

blank,empty faces of void scribbled by my mind.

the loneliness is eating me alive in this forest of nothingness,of nightmares

and so i delude myself whenever I can.

[all--is--vanities]

fruit less existence has bore me nought but carnal desire

if this is to be my simplicity of life,

so be it I suppose

[all--is--vanities]

man. I feel like im going crazy

ive started regularly hallucinating people off the corner of my eyes again

even when im alone

its coupled with thoughts of

im so tired of people, im tired of love, im so tired of feeling and existence

I dont know. Ive been feeling pretty apathetic for a while and pretty distant from relationships of all kinds and not involving myself in the business of human lives around me- which i took as completely fine since the distance makes me calmer and not able to get hurt by them.

Its been near 7 years since anyone has actually loved me romantically so its nothing to do with any sudden change

but whatever is going on, it has been festering within me and I feel a complete fool to what has become of me or IT

seems all around me the same shadowy figures will start coming back to me soon

[all--is--vanities]

have not had much to think about but same solemn reminders of people I loved and lost but I hope they are happy and I care for them

as for myself, it's just been difficult like always even as I've tried to do my best

but I will continue to hope

at most I am just lonely in this existence

[all--is--vanities]

It feels like im just killing time so it doesnt kill me.

[all--is--vanities]

life's definitely been strange to me considering I've always been one who wanted a simple life with love and not much else.

at times I think all this complicated mess that has come my way is deserved for all the wrong I've dont in the past

or at least thats just how i justify it or come to peace with all of it i suppose.

[all--is--vanities]

we all have to be a bit delusional living in such an unfulfiling world right?

[all--is--vanities]

i guess...

all I ever truly cared about is love

I think its the one thing I truly understood about life and being human

and I have contemplated every other aspect of things I should feel and things I should mind but they all still seems so far from me

I cant care or understand the other things about living that most everyone simply live with and I understand I can't simply change that.

I understood love, those feelings and how wonderful it all can be. I loved the right people, the best person in the world, and saw, for a while, a much clearer or at least tolerable world

or perhaps, I simply made the world as that.

ahh well in the end, all I truly cared for was love and making a simply wonderful life around that.

and perhaps that did make me a bad person,

perhaps it shows how much of a failure of a human being I've been,

but those warm feelings, and thoughtful endeavors- all too thoughtful as I have only chosen to love very few people-

I will hold these things close to me,

as although I have not been very much,

I have tried my best. And I can rest easy knowing I tried my best.

God knows others would not have held as long as I have in this position.

[all--is--vanities]

I've often told people that, in life, you have to learn to live with yourself,meaning;

learn to live with your faults and shortcomings,

your decisions you may hate/regret

find comfort in your solace.

At times I like to compare it living with your life long partner- matching their faults with acceptance.

At other times dealing with your own intrinsic demon.

Such things I still consider true even though I,myself, half only been able to achieve half. I have found comfort in my lonesome stead- but honestly dont believe I will ever be able to overcome the harsh voices of my internal- for which they do not even need to persuade me- to think-KNOW- this life is not worth living. I did not have an option to do so and have found myself at every corner of existence- failure to be human. To feel the joy of a moment, to connect with others and share a sentimental love. And i have so dastardly tried.

I tried. I really did.

[all--is--vanities]

Ghost

often Ive thought myself a passing ghost in peoples lives

ethereal and having everything pass me by- and at the same time, just an observant of my life

I am simply known to others. and as suddenly as I appear, I too banish

I think it right or just, as it is just who I am

not close or personal to anyone.

its been difficult- much too difficult to be close to others,

so I continue to be this passing ghost in peoples lives,

In the past ive told a love of mine,

i feel our friendship will one day, not too far, fade away

and so it did.

I had an acquaintance mention to me that I appear and disappear like a ghost in their lives- and that has brought me here

she did not know I had already mentally thought of myself as such, but both these vocalizations vindicated me I suppose

I dont know. I guess its just been easier to live this way. ghosts with no names and barely a face are rarely missed

[all--is--vanities]

it has felt hard to live for a while now,

not in the sense of endings but moreso feeling this time in my life?

nothings have filled my life and myself, it seems as though memories have not been made-for better or worse

I can recall past times in my life and the feelings of those times but it seems I won't be able to look back at the times of now

perhaps I'm just tired and have remained as such for a while

[all--is--vanities]

An adamantly close up of a fly,

its tiny tendrils upon the thin,delicate surface of paper- Byōbu

It digs through, a soft noise of if tapping upon paper,

both so small and fragile- a fight of titans opposed,

This fly continues to break through, until, eventually there is a tiny break

this Byōbu does not just appear white of its own accord, but because behind it shines an intense light,

and as these tiny tears begin, the light cuts through air,

its tiny tendrils working at it menacingly and at a panicked pace, as if fighting to escape.

There is something here on this other side we must see and know.

The fly works tirelessly and faster now.

It now begins bearing its head through the crevice it has made, and as soon as the first light reaches its eyes on the other side; this fly, so close to the truth is struck down in death.

Just a moment before it could process the light coming to it, this same light pierces through it.

And an answer of what lies beyond is never know to it ultimately.

Its body falls to the ground.

And we must ask; what are we not to know from this other side?

Is our confines to this world, so delicate and brutal that one tiny thing can destroy it all in one moment, holding us from what lay behind that thin paper wall?

A tiny bullet in a flash moment can offset such frailties

What confines us? If not our ego and reluctance of embarrassment?

What stops you from seeing the other side if not the embarrassment of others seeing your self demise in that moment? In those steps on that street, what stops you from adamant actions?

The need for sanity?

Perhaps those, "insane", who have broken through the thin veil, in a given, almost erratic moment- they've known truth? Not being held back by anything- they found freedom

But as they are gone- they, as that fly, have fallen over and cannot tell us the truth of what lay beyond, on the other side, and what they have seen.

[all--is--vanities]

realistically, I dont know what I want in this life and world

I dont know how to move forward

truthfully, I dont want anything to do with this.

[all--is--vanities]

Grace, she jumps fluidly over us,

Her legs, her wings, agape to the wind,

Her eyes closed, she tilts her head up to the sun with a sinister and lovely smile

What does she know we don't- you think,

How does tomorrow fare for us doomed, that she appears so happy?

But the questions that arise more, are the multitudes of how noone in this world will ever be able to truly grasp her beauty. Otherworldly.

Angelic and serene.