#(or at least the me of this exact moment)
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truly a game changer episode of all time
#the way game changer can redo the same premise and even exact bit multiple times but in fresh and even escalating ways is so dear to me#game changer#sam says 3#dropout#lou wilson#jacob wysocki#vic michaelis#im sure this video has been posted at least a dozen times but i just love it#this is only one of so many moments that are gunna live in my memory like a beloved chachki on a grandmas shelf#edit: went back to add alt text to screenshot
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i just think that once you read unholyverse you can never go back. you’re a changed person. now in a completely convoluted backdoor sort of way, catholicism is in your head forever
#also#reading it the first time with mcr brain rot was of course An Experience#but reading it this time round with fall out boy brain rot? oh boy#because i’m like the exact same level of insane but this time it’s for side characters who literally show up in one part#at least im pretty sure they’re only in the second one but im still partway through that#unholyverse#rpf#sorry to everyone who get psychic damage from me mentioning this fic in 2023 btw#i typically don’t believe in the concept of a guilty pleasure but boy if there ever was one.#juno band tag#ryan brain moments
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i can’t believe square enix separated them why do they hate me so bad
#ffxvi#cidolfus telamon#clive rosfield#cidclive#firestorm#god i missed cid and clive’s banter during fights so much why would they deprive me of that for the rest of the game#i saw the exact moment clive got the gut feeling that cid wasn’t planning on coming back with them and turned off the game bc it hurt me#the moment he just stares at the hand cid was holding and then after him like a little lost puppy#GODDDDDDDDDDDDDD#i can’t stop thinking about that fic where clive is nearly in tears begging cid to at least TRY not to die when they go to oriflamme#and tells him he can’t do this without him and now im hurting even worse#that fic had me in TEARS#anyway they are special to me in almost the exact way ignoct is special to me
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ocd is weird bc I definitely still have it, I just got really good at identifying it and shutting it down. Like I was taking down a gross medical sticker on my wall that for some reason I stuck up there last year, and my brain was like “no don’t do it. You’ll die if you do that” so I put it back on and my brain was like “or…maybe life will get way better if you take if off. And if you leave it life will get worse. Want to make that choice” and I was like really stumped over it, then suddenly I was like ohhhhh ocd you tricky devil… and tore the sticker off. I go thru this exact experience about thrice a week.
#ocd#Just a peek into my twisted mind……#Jokes aside ik this probably still sounds weird and mentally ill#But trust me on this#It’s way better than it sounds#At least comparatively#Back in 2020 I literally didn’t piss for 2 days because I thought pissing would cause the world to end#Like me at 15 was legit contemplating suicide bc it got to a point where I couldn’t even move#Without being convinced it would end the world#So all I could do was just lay in bed and I couldn’t grab my phone either bc that would also end the world I guess#Couldn’t blink freely had to do like one blink two fast blinks one slow blink#Damn just remembering how much it tormented me before I got a handle on it is actually pissing me tf off Wtf#Fuck ocd I fucking hate ocd#I’m so glad I outsmarted it#Shit was easy too#Bc the way my ocd worked was it was just completely spontaneous#There were certain patterns especially w numbers (like I couldn’t interact w the numbers 6 or 4)#But for the most part it was just whatever my brain decided was bad in that exact moment#Which was why it got as bad as it did so quickly#But that was also why I was able to go “ok well if I obey any compulsion all my fears will come true”#And that WORKED#IT WORKED FUCKING PERFECTLY#SO FUCKING DUMB#who even needs therapy I’m fucking Mr. Mental health. Fuck uou#tw compulsions#tw ocd#tw sui mention#< sui mention is in tags
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the downfall and execution of a tudor queen (2023) / the boleyns: a scandalous family (2021) / the king's pearl: henry viii and his daughter mary (2017), melita thomas / anne boleyn (tv miniseries 2021) / the mirror and the light (2024) / elizabeth (1998)
#web weaving#sort of?#i never feel like my edits really fit#they're more like collages#anyway...me on my island with the one other tudor fan that liked AB 2021 lol#'our expectations were low but holy fuck' sounds like a lot of consternation about a pretty...solid script?#what i loved most about it was moments like the above#the ability to summarize really complex dynamics borne of circumstance#in such a way that you can believe in the world and it serves as its own 'previously on' that a miniseries inherently lacks#esp when it only covers five crucial months#tl; dr there's a lot of smugness evident in many books of this genre#when it comes to anne's attitude towards her stepdaughter#bcus she was quote proven wrong unquote; becaues mary got quote the last laugh unquote...#when really. as per the quotes i've been posting#it doesn't seem like mary's reconciliation with her father was the idyll many have made it#thus we have anne's letter#and offer. knowing that others are offering her better futures#but saying this is the best future you could have. limited time only.#and it seems the future proved her right; not wrong (at least the immediate future)#bcs while matters; had she accepted; might not've been substantially better than they were under the auspices of a 'more gentle' stepmother#it also doesn't really seem like they would have been substantially worse#anne was right that her enemy's supporters wanted her disgraced and/or dead. she was right in that they wanted elizabeth disgraced#and/or dead. she couldn't have predicted what happened to herself in the exact matter it did- mainly bcus it was unprecedented#but it seems she had a pretty clear view of what mary was doing: playing both sides. attempting to ingratiate herself to her father while#also conspiring against him. and she knew it would have been better to have her on side#(and in a more jaundiced view: have her where she could watch what she was doing; who she was seeing)#but perhaps underestimated how impossible it would be to get her there in the first place#('on side' ; that is. not at court. although probably not that either. with the conditions she demanded)#but her fears of mary were not paranoia. they seem to have been grounded in realism#and a clear view of the situation at home and abroad
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gave my landlord his cheques and straight up told him i took 96 dollars off to cover the vooerdraft fees i was charged when he deposited all three at once without telling me and he seemed confused but didnt fight me so....
#for those that missed it he went away for 3 months and came back and deposited 3 months of rent cheques without telling me he was back so#i got crazy over drafted cause i didnt have the money in that account at that exact moment he deposited them#and absolutely everyone i talked to abut it said yeah just give him the cheques but subtract that money and if he wont take it then dont#give him anything#and hopefully it works but i will probably be anxious about this the rest of the day at least alittle bit
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holy shit it's elucien week????????
#was anyone going to tell me#(as if I have ever interacted with anyone else in the fandom)#acotar#elucien#I mean at least I am actively working on tmov lol#very elucien shipper of me if I do say so myself#although at the moment it's less elucien more “elain in a situation. lucien is also there”#but it is coming I promise#we're about to get to my favorite part of any fated mates fanfic:#the (nesting) “you live like this????�� scene#I cannot WAIT#both sides will be internally flipping their shit over the other's interior decorating fails#it'll be so so good I swear#we're about to get lucien's “holy shit this is the exact wrong place for you to live. exit the night court NOW good god” moment#it'll be so so fun I promise#fanfiction#elucien week#elucien week 2024
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Song of the Day: August 1
“Take Me Out" by Franz Ferdinand
#song of the day#got a little mental space cleared and hopefully I'll be getting these out a bit more regularly again. starting on August with hope at least#in any case this is today's song because I finally got to read the first chapter of Sundowning /and/ there's already a second chapter!!#I was actually reading the second chapter and I hadn't put it together in time that Ghost wouldn't know Soap was alive#so I was completely blindsided by the guilt and despair and I got really choked up#and then at that exact moment Nick cut in to ask me how to fry an egg over medium and I was so caught off-guard#had to answer him in my wobbly teary voice. sniff-snuffling glasses off so I can wipe my face. you gotta tilt the pan a little. miserable#very much the opposite of that Always Sunny meme. can I ask you about an egg in this trying time#I'm not complaining everybody deserves eggs cooked to their individual preference and the fic is really really good#I'm just not likely to forget the experience any time soon#also I am still feeling such a way about 'Take Me Out' being played for a man who got shot in the head. god damn.
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Pivotal bright spot (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#ZEX#The Captain#Hhhhhh <3#I am once again ''Who am I without you'' - ZEX relies on Zelnick to affirm who he himself is! His Captain is a huge comfort!#It's the codependency for me <3#The way Zelnick comforts him is so sweet ;; He can be quite attentive! When he chooses to be hehe#He's hesitant and concerned but overcomes it to give ZEX what he needs in the moment ahh he's deserving of being a leader ♥#Like covering his eye for him - and repeating back his greeting! ;;;; How many times has ZEX introduced himself that now it's repeated back#How many times has he said those exact words so confidently that Zelnick can repeat it back to him#So confident in his identity until it's all brought into question - too many pieces that align Just So to know one way or anything!#How would his human love know so many details - but such specific details are concerning as well! What's real and what's not!#What's experienced and what's mentally real - or false! There's so many tricky mental traps set agh it's so good <3#It's so interesting how their character flaws interact with their self-assuredness hehe <3 Zelnick is brash and bold!#ZEX is careful and prideful - so which takes a harder hit in matters of the mind? ZEX is at a disadvantage in Max's body of course#Hghh there's so much about this scene that's so good tho ah#ZEX's worries of his own level of self-delusion bleeding out into accidentally telling lies - he's quite honest! Mostly ♪#But here it's all just deep concern - not of Trying to manipulate but being so far gone that he can't Help but do so! Being out of control!#Of course that would be very scary for him :( And of lying to himself? The kind of thing that's wholly repulsive to him </3#Ughhh this scene breaks my heart because they really love each other and ZEX wants him and needs him but I know what will happen ;;#At least they're able to give each other a bit of comfort in the moment - whether it's true or not (it is true haha) the contrast helps#Even in Max's body and even unsure of himself getting to hold his human - this human - feels real and right <3#He's still worried afterwards of course - takes something convincing to pull him out of it! - and Zelnick continues to comfort him <3#I love palm kisses as well ugh they're so sweet ;; <3 What a lovely way to show his solidarity! Hehe ♥
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so what that i slept in for the exam. my voice teacher just called to talk about yesterdays concert and said some truly insane shit that made me cry again (but like. in a good way lol) so who even gives a shit lol
#she can singlehandedly fix me#she said so many insanely beautiful things. about ME. i am still reeling from it.#also she said we 'clearly have the exact same vision when it comes to this aria' and im sooooo normal about it uwu#yes queen ill be your little bitch ill sing it exactly as you want it (except i WILL use chest voice sorry thats not optional)#anyway i hate this because see this is what my brain does now. i got so many insane compliments that now all i can think about is#“when will i lose it”. now im gonna live in fear that one day ill wake up and ill forget how to act.#that i will suddenly just lose all my idk stage presence and all my musicality. because i just cant have nice things#and i cant have things to actually be. if not exactly proud of. then at least happy about. im not allowed.#the moment i let myself believe it and truly appreciate and value myself and consider myself objectively good at something - ill lose it all#or rather - it shall be taken away from me to teach me a lesson. see for a person who doesnt believe in god#i sure do live in a constant conviction that he's just waiting for the opportune moment to lure me into a fake sense of safety and happiness#just to snatch it away at the peak of it if only to prove to me that i dont get to have nice things and i shouldnt dare to even want them#gotta love being normal
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My period has me so emotional that I’m crying at Disney songs.
#where you are is such an emotional song#At least for me in this exact moment#tw: periods#personal post#searchingforbucky
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reading that james whale was openly gay makes me so happy and also makes a lot of that movie also gay in retrospect. also its interesting that horace wears a ring but never mentions having a spouse at all.
#original nonsense#personal#AT LEAST IM NOT PRETENDING TO BE SOMETHING IM NOT. <- quote from a character that felt really gay to me and then#it turns out the director was literally openly gay. YIPPEE!!!!!!!#i cant remember who in that movie mentions it but someone randomly alludes to another sibling and then its never#brought up again. so like. who was that o__o#idea off the top of my head without remembering the exact nature of the person brought up is that maybe it was#horace's spouse that he was lavender married to and it was really his sisters wife. idk.#was the sister in the movie named rebecca or was the one that died rebecca I FORGOT.#dog and i posted abt the old dark house at the same time but nothing prompted it. just a moment of serendipity.
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#I feel so down lol#I at least wanted to ‘quickly’ make a compilation for hobi but then found that it’s been done before#with the exact same moments I already started to gif#same for the other idea I had#so yeah. officially nothing this year from me cause I have a friend over for the next few days and still have to tutor as well#I've had a gfx concept in mind so maybe I’ll start on it sometime next week#but then no one will be online again so.#first time I haven’t had anything for him in four years I’m really sad actually#especially because I've had an edit concept in mind and just don't have the time to do it#I just wanna be alone#and do things I enjoy in peace
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@heartofstanding tagged me in this meme months ago and unfortunately it took me this long to get to it because I had a mild crisis over how long it's been since I've read a novel, let alone one that I loved 😅 so this is nine of my favourite novels (not books, because if I included manga/short stories/comics/etc this would be giant)
0The Picture of Dorian Gray -- Oscar Wilde// Pyrrhus-- Mark Merlis//The Scarecrow--Ronald Hugh Morrieson//Unnatural History--Kate Osman//Tunnels of Blood--Darren Shan//The Coffin Dancer--Jeffery Deaver//Hero--Perry Moore//Frankenstein--Mary Shelley//One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest-- Ken Kasey
#TPODG I feel like is obvious. But a genuinely hilarious book that is also poignant and tragic and so /so/ compelling#The more work you put into it the more you get out of it and I get so sad every time I see people#not wanting to look deeper than what's beyond the surface#Pyrrhus gets the extremely high honour of Greek Myth Retelling That is Actually Good#it's less about the Trojan War and more about the journey there set in the 1980s gay scene#the cursed spot that gets Philoctetes abandoned is an effective allegory right until the moment it isn't an allegory at all#and you should see the gut punch coming but somehow you don't#The Scarecrow is my Token Kiwi Representation and it's also the one that got me into the genre I now write almost exclusively#reading it feels like watching a cheesy low budget slasher that accidentally says some really interesting things about sexism and misogyny#(I say accidentally because it is the 20s and my tutor very loudly hated this book for being sexist)#(and I both totally agree and disagree because Prue is the prototypical final girl and needs an adaptation that does her justice)#Also the story of this novel's publication is freaking hilarious and why I will only write under a pseudonym because I would be next#Unnatural History is an exact blueprint of what I love about sci-fi done well in the way we've only very recently started to see on screen#and I hate that the show of Doctor Who rarely if ever reaches this level#Tunnels of Blood is my favourite of the Darren Shan Saga but really is just a stand in for the entire series#yes it's a kids series but it's a kid series that got me into horror and surrealism#and delivers the most effective and heartbreaking plot twist that not even Hannibal pulled off as well#The Coffin Dancer is just some damn good crime fiction and I wish Jeffery Deaver wasn't so slept on#(yes I know The Bone Collector got an adaptation but The Bone Collector isn't even in the top ten of the Lincoln Rhyme series)#unfortunately Deaver's strongest point is his use of point of view#but he still manages to get the twist to be shocking (and Coffin Dancer is the best example of it) in a way that other media fails at#Hero is about a gay disabled teen with superpowers and somehow tumblr does not know about it#It is such a fun riff on superheroes while also being genuinely sweet and touching and sad#It was meant to get a tv show but the writer passed so it got stuck in production hell :(#Frankenstein is Frankenstein. It's just good on like every level. Victor is my problematic fave. I will take no criticism.#I am however on my knees hoping the Guillermo Del Toro adaptation finally gets it right#one flew over the cuckoo's nest means so much to me but no one ever talks about it beyond the Ratched and Mcmurphy stuff#who are the least interesting characters to me. And I find the debate about the sexism ignores that the novel is about the structural abuse#of the mentally ill
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One year since Joan Didion’s death and I still remember how I gasped out loud in the kitchen when I was reading the news at breakfast & how my mother immediately asked if someone had died because that expression of immediate disbelief and grief could not be confounded for anything else, and how awed I was right after, that someone could be such a talented writer as to elicit that reaction from a complete stranger
#i don’t like to be overly sentimental about people i don’t know#but her writing made a blurry world come into focus#& she offered me that clarity in the exact moment I needed it the most#I’m also very sure I’ll be coming back to it throughout my life to help me make sense of it#or to at least have it as a companion as I attempt the uncovering myself
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I love that justin and I unintentionally built really compatible characters by separately designing around the same core concept: "I want this character to be both willing and eager to stick his nose into dangerous business, sometimes to the point of poor judgement"
#justin and I both independently: oh well he has to be just really curious about and fascinated by everything then! obviously!#simon's got really low wisdom; for all of whatever he's been through in his backstory he's really trusting if not gullible#and of course felix's charisma is really bad and best way he knows how to manage that is not to speak up at all when possible#so simon is actually asking all the questions they both have and felix is keeping a read on the whole situation#simon says 'we are meddling with something dangerous and only a fool would stay involved. however I have always been a fool'#and this is Exactly what felix had been thinking himself in that exact moment (AND a charmingly cheeky way of putting it)#felix touches the scary tree only because he got there first#and when we get a passage open and felix starts peeking in simon immediately sets out dancing lights and follows#like felix is already in love with this man but at the VERY least they're gonna be friends!!#also SIMON WITH KEEN MIND 🤝 FELIX WITH OBSERVANT: THE KNOW EVERYTHING AND PISS OFF THE DM BROTHERS#my OCs#felix#about me#husband
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