#(my friend wasn't actually high)
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"Mister Bashir, what a pleasure it is to finally meet you."
Julian, why in god's name would you invite him to play the villain?
#my art#ds9#julian bashir#elim garak#star trek deep space nine#garashir#image desc in alt text#pencil#ok so on the outset it may look to some viewers as though julian invited garak to play the villain to get dommed by the scary lizard#this is not the case. not in my heart#in my heart julian felt a burst of something funny when Garak asked him ''what if you'd killed me''#and he responded ''what makes you think i wasn't trying'' and garaks face blooms into a sudden understanding and respect. ooh.#That's that heady shit. catching garak off guard. ooooh. that's that High Quality Endorphins Happening. but. gotta pack that up for later#(he will not unpack that later) because garak also just threatened to kill 5 of his friends who are STILL IN DANGER. NO TIME FOR THIS.#so after everything. and MONTHS after OMB. he invites garak to something like a playful rematch. sort of.#after all theres only so long that garak can stomach being a sidekick u know? he needs to be able to do his own machinations.#so they make a character for him thats a villain. a little more cerebral than falcon. a little more ambiguous in his motivations.#now there's also. a secret game at play here (there are always games. doctor) and its actually between garak and his own self#you see garak Also wants bashir to defeat his character. he also wants to be shocked. challenged. a little dismantled even (state forbid!)#and because garak wants that for himself? hes going to fight tooth and fucking nail to make sure it doesn't happen.#that Gayle clip from ''COMPANY IS COMING'' but its garak yelling ''WE CAN'T LET THEM KNOW WE [WANT]!!!''#and its a horrible idea for both of them but. oh so so exciting#you understand.#these rituals arent intricate so much as they are transparent but all encompassing. a fish doesnt know its swimming in water until its out#you understand? you understand.#thank you to anyone who found the time to read these tags i hope you enjoyed yourself and/or found what you were looking for#also garak is dressed so boring bc hes hiding himself u know how it is
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So, my mom was telling me how much free time I have, and I was like, "I have no freetime wth do you mean?????" And I just wanna see if this is like. A normal way to think of things?
Things I need to do:
Finish reading icebound land
Make a whole lotta art that I promised people
Research study abroad programs
At least one Dutch lesson a day
Keep my room clean
Talk to my friends so they know I love them (and so I don't go insane)
My math homework
Keep myself clean (showers, finally brushing my teeth after months, etc etc) so I don't go insane
Eat at 7pm
Various things I enjoy as to not go insane
All from 6pm to 9 pm, every day, after being at school from 8 am to 3:30 pm and then The Public (teen center) from 3:30 to 5:30, and I need to be in bed by 9:30 and asleep by 10:00
So, basically, I'm "on the clock" from 7 am (When I start getting ready for school) until 9 pm, with no breaks
But yeah no I totally have free time. Yeaup
#“but you never actually do that stuff! you just sit and scroll!”#yeah cause if I'm not doing what I need to I'm not Allowed to do anything else#but I'm just. too tired. to do what I need yo#I hate high school#rambles#adhd#executive dysfunction#<- I've heard that this kinda mental math can be a symptom of those things? idk#im so tired#burnout#adhd burnout#(????? I think????)#high school#I'm just so tired of all of this#the sun is going down way too early and I barely speak at all at school and I never finish work early anymore and the teen center is loud#and I still want to be active in the fandom but I don't have time to make posts anymore#and I don't have any in person friends anymore and I don't know when the last time I got a hug was#and I'm just. so. tired. my room is clean and I have good grades and I talk to my friends everyday and I shower routinely#why the hell am I so stressed#I do everything I'm supposed to do#I just want to go somewhere else man#The Netherlands hopefully#I wanna actually DO something#go on a trip for band#not just finish the work put in front of me day after day after day after day#I wasn't built for this shit#I'm so fucking tired
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Things me and my friends have said as the Marauders (Part 7? I think?)
Barty: I saw him - in a vision
Evan: what did he look like?
Barty: Like... the shadow of a giraffe... but not the shape, the vibe, and... green. Acid green, but all swirly and blurry at the edges
Barty: And then he spoke - but not in in words, in sounds, like cats fighting.
Even: what did he say?
Barty: spread the word... the birds are evil. Eradicate them... spread the word
Regulus: Are you high
Regulus: Barty. Are you high?
Barty: Nah I only had like four joints
#(my friend wasn't actually high)#(it was a whole thing#(but i promise we're not on drugs)#barty crouch jr#barty crouch junior#regulus black#evan rosier#marauders era#the slytherin skittles#slytherin skittles#slytherin skittles incorrect quotes
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This is technically ripped from a fic I'll never write but it's fine
All you need to know is that John's New In Town, and Karkat's smitten ♠
#homestuck#johnkat#karkat vantas#john egbert#dave strider#all right i lied i'll give you more info in the tags#so 1st of all Dave and Karkat are red dating so jot that down#john and dave have been friends for years and johns only just moved so they get to meet for the first time#karkat was aware of johns existence but had never actually seen him#this doofy looking motherfucker is the bane of his existence and he now hate dreams about him until the early hours of the morning#also this is a high school no sburb trolls on earth au if that wasn't obvious#they're my fav aus lol#i think that's it??#it ends up as johndavekat#because that shits my jam
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sixth day at my new school and i didn't sit alone at lunch today 🥳🥳
#woohoo!!#some girls invited me to sit with them so i did and chatted to them and this other guy#some of them are in my classes!! they were all very nice#honestly i was aiming to just try and fit in with the cishet boys and last week when i heard the rumour i was gay i was kinda freaked out#but i've scoped out the situation and it's not unsafe to be out (as bi. not anyone's business i'm trans)#so i realise it's better to just be open and have better chances of finding the right people than living in fear and squashing myself to--#--fit in with the wrong people. bc if i can't be fully myself around someone then why would i want to be good friends with them??#so yar i'll stick with other queer guys and supportive girls. gay guy/straight girl friendships are stereotypical but it's an ecosystem tha#works in a situation like high school tbh#ooo and i guess he was away today but the guy from a couple of my classes who i think is cute is in that group so added bonus#o and actually unrelated but at recess i went to this queer group thing i was invited to by a teacher last week#(recess is first and lunch is sceond)#i wasn't sure if i was going to go (mostly bc of my 'blend in' mindset) but i'm glad i did!! it was pretty nice#mostly just nice to get an idea of 'safe' people and teachers yaknow#'people and teachers' -- those aren't two mutually exclusive categories of being ajdsgjf but ykwim#and if i didn't go then i probably wouldn't have been in the better mindset for being just myself with everyone at lunch#so wahoo yippee :D#now i just needa keep talking to everyone and putting myself out there a bit more and i'll find the right people :)
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a word to the wise sometimes the only true rest is looking beyond what you thought was success
so true! adamandi is full of wise advice such as this, including: "and you'll never feel better if you - fucking die- you stupid ass!"
#these are all very good reminders. especially during exam season (i am suffering. but at least i'm working on art coursework so it's#suffering i love.) guys i have maybe a bit too many thoughts on ambrose. sculpture. and ceramics. and studio. in my art student 3d era rn#tmr it's black and white 2d so it's vincent vibes instead... anyways. in my breaks i ended up brainstorming more doodles again so..#anywaysndhfnfjfhf sorry to detract! but like these two quotes are holding my sanity intact i think.#at this point even without listening to the live soundtrack it sounds in my head so. lasting impressions i guess. every time i get anxious#' you'll never get better if you fucking die'' sounds in my head and i go ''ah yes there's a whole life outside''#continuing this ramble you ever think how vincent went from you'll never get better if you fucking die to '' first i chose my friend#ambrose for my debut :DD'' realll quick. or also how this principle worked for when he was talking to ambrose about it and then. for himself#he didn't want to get better. he wanted quincy to get better and so '' you'll never get better if you die'' held through to the end#it just wasn't a mentality that saved him... god that screws me up. so many thoughts.#anyways anon!!!! thank you for sending this :3 made my day <33 very vibes#going to put the soundtrack on and power through studio again.. :3 adamandi asks are welcomed ngl teehee#ask me stuff???#on another note sometimes it's so surreal that actors are real people... i guess the magic of theatre is that it makes the characters come#to life.. like i believe actors are real. and deserve to be treated like people. for the record. but also when consuming media and it's the#suspension of disbelief? these are Real Characters i can't believe that someone who isn't them is making these sounds and doing these things#it's so insane. incredible. idk i just have very high admiration for the cast and idk how i got here even... akshdjdhdf#<blinks> they did such a good job akdhdnfhfbgfhff ok bye#first time i swear in the actual post on this blog and not in the tags... of course
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me, helping out my mom at a bazaar, like i've done for years, attempting stuff while she walks around to take a break and maybe get some xmas gifts: *vibing enough that some people want to buy some things*
my mom, about half an hour later: *comes back to be the more charming of the two of us, because she has more experience being a salesperson and is not autistic*
the nice lady at the table next to us, talking to my mom: your boy did a good job while you were gone!
my brain, upon hearing that sentence come out of another person's mouth while i'm feeling somewhat dysphoric in my body today:
B O Y ! ! !
(good job!)
#void keith talks#this isn't me discovering a new thing about myself but it is Different this time i think. it echoed in my brain#most people don't assume i'm masc because i have a high voice. especially because the fuckin “customer service voice" thing (higher pitch)#but more people than one have called me by masculine uhhh... adjectives? (it's probably adjectives.) it's nice. mostly strangers though. :/#and i already know i have a Thing about praise because it's my love language or whatever#and i've also been obsessing over whether or not i should ask my doctor about going on testosterone because i've been avoiding my doctor#because i'm an anxious mess and my life is about to be turned upside down again soon#but i. i wwant to#go on T. more than i thought i would?#i'm so anxious about change and i know the changes technically happen slowly#but even so i keep hesitating because of personal circumstances#uhhhh... yeah. that's. that's a thing i guess#one of my fellow nonbinary transmasc friends is going on T. and i'm happy for them obviously#but i also feel a little envious of him for being able to figure it all out that easily. even though it probably Wasn't Actually That Easy#and it just looks like that from my outsider perspective#and i'm just tired and confused because i only discovered/uncovered the more masc part of my identity relatively recently and i've-#struggled with it for long enough that i don't have to fight with myself about it anymore. still kinda scared though#nonbinary#enby#trans#transgender#voidgender#gender dysphoria#gender stuff#gender thoughts#gender euphoria#trans stuff#nonbinary stuff#rambling in the tags#rambling into the void
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i have to be honest. when ppl bring up how old jason earles was when he played jackson in hannah montana. i do agree it's a little weird but it's strange when ppl adopt the language of it being, like, somehow creepy. he played a high schooler in his late 20s-early 30s. it's not like ppl don't do that on the cw.
#i remember when i found out how old jason earles is. it mustve been 2010#bc thats when i made facebook#he was also really young-looking in the early seasons?? not like he ACTUALLY looks like a teen#also no it's not CREEPY like it would be for someone to pretend to be a teen at that age irl#to my knowledge most of the actresses cast to be his love interest (at least from the top of my head? im not doing a survey)#were not like... teen starlets like miley and emily osment's age#well hmmm i guess there is that episode where he was into his friend cooper's little sister in s1#i dont know how old that actress was. that was a weird episode regardless#but before his serious girlfriend arc (sienna 🖤) he never had a long-term serious love interest anyway#they were always one-off dates who got sick of his bullshit by the end of the episode like drake parker#text post#me the number one defender of hannah montana (2006-2011) created by michael poryes#that show WAS everything to me#it wasn't necessarily high art but it did have a big influence on me and my interests and dreams and blah blah#i dont think i would be the same person if it werent for hannah montana and later on miley cyrus#miley. one of my favs forever. love her always xoxox
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Sooo....I'm just realising that your age says 30. It's alarming because I'm some years older than you, and I started following you when you were in your mid 20s, I think. I guess this means I'm old now...
oh no, the sudden and disconcerting recognition of the inexorable passage of time, I know thee well
my condolences, anon, if it makes you feel any better I've started to feel old when I see people on this webbed site talking about being in freshman year of undergrad so I think it's less "you getting old" and more "me coming to meet you in old"
#conversating#anonymous#i feel like i probably have more in common at this point with somebody 40 years old than someone 20 years old you feel#not that i wasn't friends with 40 year olds when i was an actual teenager#i feel like the number of my friends who were older than me through high school#means that i can say i've been making people on the internet feel old for about fifteen years!
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My life would probably be easier if there was a bigger difference in how I treat and feel about my friends vs. romantic relationships. The line is very blurred for me.
#In high school people thought I was dating multiple of my friends. Rarely my actual bf in 10th grade#He wasn't very physically affectionate with me. But with my friends I was super touchy feely attached with them. Especially Nathan#I feel similarly to Nathan as I do with my boyfriend and my friend Salem#Strong feelings of love and wanting to spend my life with them all#I would love to just buy a nice apartment building for me and my friends to all live in. I need to win the lottery#my posts
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I really do deserve a fucking apology for all the times my friends and family valued strangers on the internet and their opinions more than me
How am I supposed to be just fine with being ignored for years and years or bullied for openly liking what I like, only for those same fucking people to then turn around YEARS LATER, AFTER THE DAMAGE WAS ALREADY DONE, and be like "actually this is cool, so glad I found it" while still ignoring me. Why am I not allowed to be fucking pissed about it? Why is it considered ""gatekeepy"" when I get upset someone who deliberately ignored me for years and insulted the shit I enjoy when I asked them to get into it cuz I thought they'd like it suddenly finds interest in it because it got popular online, not because I'd been begging them to give it a chance and to listen to me for years???? Why is that not allowed????? THAT'S SUCH AN ASSHOLE MOVE, WHY IS IT 'NOT OKAY' TO BE MAD? WHY DON'T THEY GROW A SPINE AND APOLOGIZE FOR DISMISSING ME FIRST? HOW ABOUT THAT?????
#I fucking hate this it keeps fucking happening#I have a fucking LIST of all the times it's happened this is not a one time thing it's fucking reoccurring#Nothing I say will ever fucking matter to anyone not even the people who are 'supposed' to care about me#Grumble grumble#Literally showed my dad a song and he was like 'well I preferred the one that came on autoplay after'#And I was like 'oh that song? Oh you mean THAT song? OH YOU MEAN THE SONG I SHOWED YOU MONTHS AGO THAT YOU DISMISSED AND CRITICIZED?'#THAT ONE? YEAH? YEAH???#Gee I wonder why you like it NOW and not when *I* showed it to you!#UGHHHHH#Begged my friend to get into OP and he would go 'no it's too long and the art style is kinda ugly'#GUESS WHO'S NOW ASKING ME TO GUIDE HIM THRU THE ANIME CUZ OP WAS TRENDING ON TWITTER OVER THE SUMMER#UGHHHHHHHHH#Begged friends to watch Trig/un for years it was always the first anime I'd recommend anyone when they asked and was always ignored#Guess what everyone did once stampede started *trending on Tumblr*?#They certainly didn't care when I asked or when I was hyping up the trailer for stampede or literally any point before then#Nobody would ever reply to me when I talked about it#But now that it's trending on Tumblr NOW they're interested. GJSGDHDJDJDK#Happened with Pe/rso/na and Ro/tm/nt too.#Begged my middle and high school friends to get into the per/sona series. Nooo never it's sooo lame#Get made fun of for being hyped for 5's release in Calc class#Man you'd never believe who I see on Twitter as the biggest fans nowadays!!#Same with ro/tm/nt begged my friends to watch it but was dismissed and the episode I showed them heavily criticized bc it wasn't 2012#Then learn the same friend who criticized it so heavily bc he *hated it* WAS WATCHING VIDEO ESSAYS EXPLAINING WHY THE FINALE WAS SO GOOD#And there's NEVER any acknowledgement like 'hey sorry I made fun of/hated on this thing I see why you like it now'#Am I actually mental?! Would that not be the polite thing to do???#I would do that if a friend begged me to watch something and I openly dismissed them or criticized it as my reason why#And then later on I saw something online and was like 'actually...'#I would GO TO THAT FRIEND AND BE LIKE 'hey sorry I dismissed you earlier man I get why you like it now' AND THEN WE COULD TALK ABOUT IT#This isn't even about like distant acquaintences some of these people are my best friends and my roommates and my own fucking parents#People I talk to daily or near-daily. You're just not going to acknowledge what happened before??? Just expecting me to be fine with it????
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Related to my tags on the Irish American reblog, how long have bastardized "Celtic" crosses been neo-Nazi symbols? I wasn't aware of this stupid use until I was an adult and my father was equally unaware until I learned about it, and in our Celtic (American) Pride we often used Celtic cross imagery in decor and accessories. Granted these usually did resemble actually woven/knotted crosses (which by no means meant they were authentic. At best a few came from local Celtic Pride fests–which as I said in those tags was plagued by Confederate and Nazi imagery), but most of them came from like JoAnn's or Michael's or Walmart whenever Saint Paddy's Day rolled around. That said, the woven pattern of a Celtic cross is a bitch to draw especially when you have yet to nurture or be nurtured in any art skills, so when my borderline-Gothic ass would doodle graveyards in my school notebooks I would often doodle simplified Celtic crosses as grave markers, which unfortunately just meant a simple cross with a simple circle in it, unfortunately reminiscent of the neo-Nazi symbol.
Me and my family were staunchly Indiana liberals (to be fair that wasn't that shocking in our democrat enclave city) and have only become more leftist as time goes on, so those who knew me well would know I didn't mean anything by it, but like I have to wonder/worry that those who didn't know me well (like most of my classmates. I was pretty lonely in high school) or people who would briefly visit my home or come across us while we were wearing Celtic pins that day or something came away with the wrong impression. I'm especially dismayed at the thought that the kids I knew to be actual neo-Nazis might thought I was one of them
For the record I left school in like twenty eleven and had been doodling graveyards for years and wearing Celtic imagery for even longer. I can't really find out when the "Celtic" cross became a dogwhistle
#Celtic cross#Celtic Pride#tbh when going to those fairs it was under the pretense of being (mostly) Scottish#it was all a farce my dad leaned into because he was adopted by a Scots-Appalachian man with a Scottish name going back to an actual clan#BUT i was never supposed to know he wasn't my biological grandfather (even tho it was pretty damned obvious)#so my dad played heavily on Scottish pride#that said we had Irish ancestry from other branches of the family so we indulged in Irish pride and imagery too#plus we just felt the knotted crosses were pretty and cool looking#anyway i/my dad did end up having more Irish genetics than Scottish pending our DNA tests#the Scottish is there but the Irish is more. especially in me because my bio maternal grandfather was also Irish Appalachian#(i have some Ulster Scots too but less so. which is more surprising because it's more common for 'Irish' Appalachians to be Ulster instead)#somewhat-Gothic because i usually aligned with goths in personality and depression but rarely wore black#i usually wore boys graphic tees with stupid sayings and memes on them#at least until the obscenely stupid dress code went into affect (search my blog for that if you're interested lol it's a saga)#i was lumped in with the goths for lack of better placement anyway but arguably i was more boy scene#my high school didn't really have cliques or anything strictly categorical so like goths would hang with 'preps' and such anyway#but i did have more commonality with Goths and most of my few friends were#anyway I'm losing the thread#rambling in the tags
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Incredulity OR Informed Consent from Side Wounds
(on talking to someone who is suicidal after losing someone to it)
#poetry#poem#lena's grief poetry archives#lena's poetry archives#writerblr#grief#poets on tumblr#grief poetry#look assholes i've wanted to snuff myself out before so. it's not like i can't empathise#this poem is about Caring and Anger that i am both ashamed of and feel justified about#and i wrote it after i had a conversation backstage at a drag show where i was too drunk#i wasn't in control of my drinking at the time frankly. and the other person was high and i was just. i was drunk and sloppy but i was also#a doctor - i am. i am a medstudent. and this became an informed consent conversation in its way#i cannot talk you out of it. i cannot force you to stay alive i don't have that authority over you#but you. you have to Look At ME. you have to look at what that did to me and you have to Decide that you are actually okay#with doing that to the people who love you. i know i'm not. but like i said i can't make that decision for you#i am just giving you all the information - you have to look at me. it broke me. it ruined me. it killed me. you have to Look.#you have to face what i symbolise#that conversation ended midway because my friend got fucking roofied and then i was dealing with that#they were fine - i was fine - the person i was talking to is afaik fine#it was just one of those miserable summer nights#i quit drinking for a while after that.
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one of my favorite bits i do currently is speaking in swiss german or my local dialect to my friends who aren't from my region
#it's funny how easily people whose dialects do not differ much from high german have no idea what youre talking about anymore#i also have the running theory that people who grew up in a dialect heavy region are better at speaking foreign languages accent-free#(or like without a cliché accent from their first language)#because they are used to turning dialect patterns off when speaking#like i thought the 'german accent' wasn't actually a thing in the real world but then i heard how people from a region with less pronounced#dialect speak english and i was like wow you sound like a cartoon character#anyways i speak extra slow swiss german and my friends get soooo annoyed it's hilarious
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Every few months I try binding with kt tape and every time I think "Wow, this is so helpful! I should do this on a regular basis!" until I remove it after a few days and am left with blisters all over my chest.
#I was sooooo careful not to over stretch it this time but some of the blisters are near the ends where it wasn't actually stretched at all#So I think they're inevitable regardless of tension#I'm going to try a different brand and see if there's improvement#I can smell all the “you just have sensitive skin” comments coming. And you may be right.#Although... My high school friend who always bound with transtape had wicked damage to his skin from it too...
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You know. Sorry for another sporadic unprompted post about that friend who has caused me so much trauma in the past year. But I remember this one time his old high school friend I met once, he's really nice I liked him a lot. Cool guy. But he lives far away so they don't meet up a lot but they text. One time he sent this friend some pictures of us that were taken at a cooking class that he'd been bothering me into going to despite that it was all the way in Boston, there was a lot of walking to get to it, etc. And I was like constantly feeling sick and run down and exhausted from having Covid recently. He texted his friends those pictures of the two of us and his friend asked "Are you and Diana dating lol" like pretty innocently but honestly curious.
And he just replied "Are you fucking high" and he showed me and told me about it. Like. Like it was uncomfortable for HIM to be asked that.
Like his response isn't SUPER INSULTING TO ME.
#and also just really fucking mean to that friend. like???? WHO TALKS LIKE THAT TO SOMEONE#his friend was like 'oh lol sorry. but itd be cute if you were' like why make him ashamed of asking a normal ass question???#the way this guy was possessive over me and entitled to my constant attention youd THINK he was my fucking boyfriend#this anecdote is actually a good example of how even if you just do smth completely normal (in this case asking a question)#but he doesn't like it he'll just turn it on you and make you feel wrong or crazy. FOR NOTHING#he doesn't reflect at all on the insulting unthinking ways he treats ppl either. why would he? he's always right#and if he's ever not right it's always someone else's fault somehow.#that's why i can't bring up any of this shit to him. his response is always 'well you couldve just told me' but no#NO ONE CAN TELL YOU ANYTHING BC YOUR ANGER AND EMOTIONS ARE EVERYONE ELSE'S RESPONSIBILITY!!!#motherfucker has no idea what the word imposing means#tales from diana#i truly loathe this little boy bitch baby#'are you fucking high' it's funny bc that makes it sound like he'd never be attracted to me#it's very likely he was. i hate to be like this but im not FUCKING UGLY AND HATED BY EVERYONE?? UNLOVABLE???#im found attractive by ppl pretty often and im not offended by it.#but hed get so weird whenever someone expressed interest in me#one time he humiliated this guy i barely knew by telling him he knew that guy asked me out for valentine's day.#the fuck???? why are you making that guy explain it to you??? it wasn't WEIRD. i just said no you FREAK#makes human beings feel ashamed of human emotions bc he doesn't have any of his own.
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