#(leaving the house. thats worse.)
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eww
#johnny truant#house of leaves#yuckyyy yucky yuckyy#he is a trans man to me#struggles with insane body dysmorphia AND dysphoria#it gets so bad sometimes that it warps his perspective of himself and makes him want to throw up#he wears a binder. constantly#never takes it off and when he does thats when it all hits#he is also..so sweaty.#so gross. someone give him a shower i beg#but also showers make him feel awful too<3#torture of an existance#it only got worse when he started reading the navidson record
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has been forever since aggie moment.... so behold. aggie moment.
#subway boss ingo#subway boss emmet#gym leader larry#pokemon#greavard#fidough#oricorio#joltik#lni adventures#was thinking abt ingo for the swap au and. i think he woulda taken up more of elesas modelling oportunities-#after emmet dissapears to mainly take his mind off of. yknow. his depression skghgkhs#he already has it bad but losing emmet just made it x1000 worse-#so getting out and talking to ppl and modelling for elesa rly helps-#but then after a while he cant even escape with the modelling and thats when he travels the globe looking for emmet and-#runs into larry :) yaaaay lore#also i hc larry has a lot of different vocal stims that he thinks are embaressing so he only rly does them when hes alone or at home#so ofc when he invites ingo over to stay for a bit he forgets theres another human in his house so when ingo starts fucin parroting back#at him hes like what the FUCK is that. tropius kill that unidentified fucking noise right now#tropius bopping ingo with his leaves very calmly: you got it boss
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k fine i'll turn do not disturb off 😒
#ive had it on for like 2 weeks#like idk man im in a 'dont text me dont call me' phase#but its bad ..... cos i should talk to ppl/leave the house/be available to my loved ones!!!#i Should and its Bad whatever im moralizing a lot for expediency#but yeah basically my phone has notified me 0 times and its been awesome#but also!!!!!!!! every time ive joked w my friends/family/therapist that im fighting off 'agoraphobia' in quotes theyre like#'the quotes are not necessary youre literally just agoraphobic'#so its fun thats what everyone thinks but they r WRONG!!#im not 'afraid' i just dont want to process any stress rn and so im refusing to do it!! big difference#im just stubborn and avoidant which is worse !!! dont group me in w ppl w real agoraphobia they dont deserve that!!!#i am procrastinating doing shit by posting journal entries onlineeeeee#ok bye
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living alone & sick for the first time and have come across a difficult question: who washes the dishes when you're too sick/tired to do them for days at a time
#and also related. who buys groceries when you aren't really supposed to leave the house to go to the crowded supermarket#i know u can order groceries online hypothetically and have them delivered but im not having two entire boxes of tissues delivered#to my doorstep from a grocery store that's five minutes away. Like sorry thats my limit#i guess this is the part where having a community to help you would come in handy but uhh i dont have anybody?#nobody in my life is like ohh wow they feel back time to Come over and help them out. i think i could be paralyzed from the neck down#and nobody would come over to help me#for right now its not too much of an issue but if my cold gets any worse we will be in trouble!!#and im still not gonna go out until i start feeling better bcuz i dont want to get anyone else sick anyway#i guess its the “parents who are sick and also have sick kids” rule where u just do it anyway and it sucks#but there have been times where my sickness has been so bad i physically couldnt move or even make my bed so..... in that situation idk#that was a really bad flu i think#txt
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sighs and collapses and disintegrates into the wind
#Seven’s Public Diary#vent post#cw vent post#ah yes. another restless nights sleep in a cold room bc i was too upset and sick to eat enough yesterday and my nightmares won’t let up and#my heater isn’t enough to warm the room when it’s this fucking cold outside. but it’s fine bc i don’t think i deserve to be warmer anyway#i should get water but i’ve been stuck laying here for an hour wondering if im racist and feeling like i should just. leave. or smthn. idk#i need a caregiver so there’s someone here to stop me from doomscrolling tumblr and reddit discourse for two hours before bed. lol#but ig no matter how careful i try to be there’ll always be part of me thats. unconsciously? racist? bc im white so its just part of me#idk im not educated enough to talk about it so i guess the real lesson to learn here is to keep my fucking mouth shut. which i can do!#i don’t. know how to apologize correctly. bc no one wants to hear me piss and moan abt my white guilt. if that’s what it even is#im too stupid to understand what to do or say and the more i type the worse it sounds so im just. sorry. i apologize for anything i’ve said#or done. that wasn’t right or was insensitive or thoughtless or uneducated or. whatever else it is i rlly don’t know#i didn’t mean to use AAVE. i really didn’t know. so i’ll go edit the tag where i used it but. that’s only one example. how many more am i#unaware of? how often do i put my foot in my mouth and not know it? im sorry. i’ll try to do better#but there’s so much to be mindful of that i can’t keep track of it all and it’s overwhelming me so i think i should just. be quiet.#‘always a fanfic writer at the scene of the crime’ i. didn’t know there was a connection between racism and fanfic. now im worried#was that just an easy jab to make bc it’s cringe or is it actually problematic. why does it seem like theres smthn wrong w everything i do#anyways. i have to stop thinking abt it or im gonna anxiety vomit. i could go lay on the couch#it in the only warm room of the house but it’s covered in dog hair and i hate the smell from the stupid fucking propane heater#it gives me a headache and makes me paranoid. why did he install gas heat when he could’ve gone with a heat pump. all he did was make#everything harder on everybody. so now we have dangerous gas heat in the winter and shitty mold-filled window ac units in the summer#when he could’ve installed a heat pump/ac unit combo thingy and we would’ve been good to go. why is he like this.#YOURE A GODDAMN ELECTRICIAN. HAVE BEEN YOUR WHOLE LIFE. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT. SO ACT LIKE IT.#im staying in bed. the rest of the house reeks of burnt plastic bc SOMEONE decided to take FOUR sedatives and drink a couple beers before#trying to use the stove to cook dinner :))) so now i have to figure out how to clean that up. i take back everything i said about winter#being my favorite season. this shit fucking sucks. there’s so much more to stress over and it’s all so much more expensive and exhausting#i never want another dog or cat ever again after these two pass. im not the person i once was and i cannot care for them like i used to.#i can’t even care for myself. couldn’t if i Wanted to right now bc everything is frozen solid. can’t shower. can’t do any laundry.#just get to sit here filthy cold and miserable in the one clean-ish sweater i have left for ? days until temps get back above freezing#anyways thats enough bitching abt my first world problems. time to shut up and be grateful for what i Do have bc it could be a Lot worse
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Thinking abt Sif Odile duo looping au again and I wanna be able to plot everything out more coherently but act 5 eternally looms overhead and boy I do not wanna look up
#rat rambles#stars posting#like I have a vague idea of some of the like themes I imagine being present late game but it doesnt change the fact that act 5 isnt very#duo looper au friendly especially in this case with most of the ideas I have#I rly want it to be both a breaking point for them as individuals and a breaking point for their relationship but idk how to go about that#fully taking the rest of the party into account especially since Im not even sure if I wanna give odile her own friendquests#like I Could but I also think it'd be fun for many reasons to not#and even if I Did itd be hard to justify having both be able to happen and go wrong in one loop#and theres not rly a good solution to that I think so my best bet is probably to just leave odile friendquestless#but Id rly like to still have odile quarrel with the rest of the party in a significant way#idk maybe it can be the scene where sif comes back to the lighthouse or smth?#like he comes back and odile just completely lashes out at him or smth and the others get rly upset with her#but then theres also the whole walk through the house that I have to figure out and Im also not set on how that should go#maybe it can be like reality almost splitting as they both try to use timecraft at the same time?#not sure how Id go about portraying that in story though since the rest of the party cant rly experience that I think#Im sure theres some way you could pull that off tho Im just too tired to have any good ideas atm#and then the biggest bastard comes in. mal moments.#like I cant just put them both there! that's not how that works!#and I dont wanna just leave them mostly vanilla thats boringgggg#but Id probably have to. alas.#afterwards is also a bit fuzzy but I have rhe general idea down#me and the bestie when we both made the same wish but dont know that and have both been falling into a spiral over it#(we dont even realize that the part of the wish that was the exact same was the core of the wish)#(we both just thought that we accidentally trapped the other with us in this hell)#(we also have been actively getting worse at communicating for months now so by the time the wishcraft stuff came up we were both deep in#the no feelings talky talk zone)#(we probably should have known smth was up when everyone started consistently thinking that we had a fight every loop)#(maybe we did but we just didnt want to admit they were right)#god I wish I was more confident with writing odile dialogue I wanna draw scenes from this au so bad#it doesnt help that I got too comfortable being into a media that had like 3 fans and now ppl might actually look at what I create
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aouuugh my uterus......
#long long day at work codeine wasnt helping with cramps and my meds are less effective on my period :(#ive been doing okay most of the day tho just starting feeling kind of miserable omw home bc such a long wait at the bus stop in pain#and im kind of lonely at the moment but wont be able to climb tomorrow bc of cramps so thats my main social source gone :(#and it always feels worse at home bc if im having a hard time like in physical pain or feeling down my roommate cant rly handle it#like she cant rly be in the room with me the headphones go straight on. which is ok im realising its just how her type of autism works#so im trying not to get as upset at her abt it. with varying degrees of success but it just takes time#i mean i dont get upset AT her like ik its not her fault and i dont want her feeling like it is. I keep it internal + cry once im alone#just different social needs n boundaries innit. we're a bit incompatible is all#but its still hard. I'd like support from other ppl when I'm struggling i mean i think thats a fairly normal thing to want#but of the friends I would be comfortable talking to abt how i feel none of them have that kind of emotional availability#which again is ok like its not on them. and im very capable of dealing w my shit myself one way or another so its not a Need#but idk. it would just be nice. I feel like I've had to be so independent most of my teenage and adult life and I wish I could take a#break from that sometimes. even just a hug would be nice man#sorry i always come on here and talk abt the same problems... well youll see me do it again no doubt abt that 🫠#ughh and i feel so guilty for wanting things ppl cant give even though i know its not really my fault either and im allowed to want things#and i dont cross boundaries or make them feel bad abt it. i really hope i dont anyway. but still ahhh...#its so hard for me to feel connected to anyone if they cant rly engage w me emotionally at all like its a non negotiable#factor into closeness and trust for me and i get so frustrated bc i feel so distant and alienated from the ppl i care abt most#and ik i overreact bc of my rsd so maybe its just that its probably not even a real issue. but its real to me bc im the one who gets upset#man. anyway its okay just a really really long day. im gonna wash my dishes and then shower#and finish my book. maybe i should play some dead cells i miss it. i dont really want to think abt how i feel anymore#maybe ill see if anyones free to hang out tmr evening so i dont have to feel as lonely even if i cant leave the house after work#all good nice to have a plan anyway. done sniffling. my hot water bottle is helping thr cramps a littlr i think#.diaries#oh i dont think its helping actually ow. i took more codeine an hour ago why doesnt it do anything. not fairrr 😭
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stares at ceiling. i dont wanna leave the house today......
#my avoidance has been feeling (?]getting(??) worse these past few days and i think its cuz my routine of library on friday got broken lol#idk#i dont want to leave#i dont wnat to go outsideeeee#rgrrrrr#if i go i'll be tired and distressed and uncomfortable but if i dont go i'll yelled at and ''i told u so''ed all day so like#What's worse#(leaving the house. thats worse.)#i'll be*
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doing really bad in ways i can’t talk about which is making it worse
#just cancelled a meeting so i could cry in the office LMAOOOOOOO 🥰👍#purrs#the mortifying ordeal of my therapist being on her honeymoon rn 😹😹😹😹😹#i think i am just a bad person and my needs hurt people who need me. and it’s not fair to them and idont know what to do with that.#i think i may have to move out sooner than i am ready to and not listen to anyone telling me to keep waiting. this is not sustainable. it’s#not sustainable for my family because i hurt them with my needs. and it’s not sustainable for me to be unable to need and get what i need#without hurting them. i think what’s so hard about this is that i have to do it alone and everyone is against me doing it but i have to do#it anyway. i don’t know. i don’t want my sister to see this and get hurt. if you do see this im sorry i can’t be what you need. im sorry my#needs hurt you. but they’re needs. i have to be selfish even though my brain is screaming at me in your voice that i don’t. i just need to#escape it all. i am allowed to need independence and alone time and im sorry i was cruel about asserting it but i need to assert it and no#one at home understands why but I need to. im not talking coherently i just feel so wretched and sick to my stomach with guilt and grief and#frustration and shame and i have to facilitate a huge session in an hour and a half.#delete later#like my friends / mutuals / mentors / etc can tell me until they’re blue in the face that i am not a bad person and i deserve to live an#independent Life etc etc but none of you are actually in my house and you don’t see how it is and how i am the cause of all of it and how im#stuck and making things worse. and i can’t summon my strength or calm down or anything. i don’t know. i have to get ready for the session i#just can’t even think straight. my family is right and i am also right and i can’t assert my rightness over theirs. so im stuck forever.#if i could i would leave work early and go home but there’s no one to take me home and home is actually the worst possible place to be#right now LOLLLLL. i just need to curl into a bed and cry. also im about to get my period so thats probably why im like this lol
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youre freaking kidding
i didnt know how i would feel about the deaf component of this show, considering gemini is a hearing person playing a deaf character and i wasnt sure how to feel about that
but oh my freaking goodness his own freaking mother hasnt even bothered to learn freaking sign language
she just makes him write everything on a notepad. and that doesnt even happen often cos shes barely ever home. and his dad is also barely in his life
li ming has known heart for a few months, and he can already talk to heart at an almost fluent level
and yet his own freaking mother cant even be bothered to learn a couple signs so she can have a worthwhile freaking conversation with her freaking SON
its been THREE FREAKING YEARS
LEARN SOME FREAKING SIGN LANGUAGE YOU STUPID WOMAN
#sorry i feel very strongly about this#how. in three freaking years. do you not learn sign language for your deaf son#thats 1095 days.#she couldve at least learnt one word a day or something#i know shes not home much but one word a day isnt much#especially when its your FREAKING SON#she doesnt even let him leave the house#he has LITERALLY NO ONE TO TALK TO#NOT EVEN. HIS OWN. FREAKING. M O T H E R.#HOW#HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN#ITS FREAKING DISGUSTING#and whats even worse is there are definitely people out there who are actually like this. mothers who dont care.#mothers who wont bother to accomodate for their child's disability.#it makes me so freaking angry#quodekash watches moonlight chicken immediately after watching 1000stars#mlc#moonlight chicken#heartliming#limingheart#geminifourth#gemini norawit#fourth nattawat#moonlight chicken series#moonlight chicken the series#mlc heart#heart mlc
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when i was seven and our trailer burned down, i thought about leaving my father there, grabbing my brother, and getting us the hell out
i didn't. i ended up waking our father and we all ended up at the neighbors' house
but i should have
i fucking should have
because the minute he had a chance to be alone with me (after we got to my grandma's trailer) guess what he did! shortly after our fucking HOME burned down and the firefighters gave my brother and i teddy bears and wrapped blankets around us for shock!!!!!! fucking christ i hate our father more than anyone on this earth
#haha :) feeling normal abt this!#all i cared about was my brother being safe. thats all. i still remember holding his hand and walking him to the neighbours house#i couldnt see because i left my glasses in the trailer. they put on the little mermaid cartoon for us. i even remember what episode it was#but i genuinely considered leaving my father there and honestly that scares me#honestly i was afraid to wake him up bc i didnt want him to get mad at me. if he got mad at me i would always suffer for it later#milo murmurs#fun fact we lived w someone & his son and his son ended up becoming my cousin when his mom married my uncle#i am so so glad neither or them were home that night#he was so young. im several years older than him & he was so little that he doesnt even remember we lived together#csa vent#tw csa vent#csa tw#also feeling fucked up abt the fact that my father wld put his cigarettes out on me when he was pissed#sometimes i wonder if the fire started because he was smoking smth and passed out while doing it but my brother slept in his room#i feel like they wouldve been much more worse off if the fire started in their room#anyway im pretty sure that the fire was set intentionally bc he had some ties to the wrong ppl#and either they didnt know me & my brother were also there and were only going after our father or they didnt care we were there#to this day even bonfires make me nervous if i can only smell them & cant see them. i hate smelling smth burning & panicking#we live in the country now so its very common for ppl to burn leaves and wood and what have you. its still scary sometimes#i think abt this a lot actually bc any fire still makes me lowkey nervous. less so if i know where/what its coming from but still nervous
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Today at trivia: learned a baby hedgehog is called a hoglet. You've many hedgehog themed shenanigans here and I thought you'd like to know if you didn't already 💕
YEAAAHHHH LIL HOGLETS !!!!!! an UPMOST important fact to know...
#snap chats#class ended early since we were just introducing ourselves but i still managed to have the most annoying night oh my god#first my professor accidentally shook my bad hand and i didnt tell him it was A Bad Hand#people usually tell me i have a really good handshake but now my handshake look AWFUL like im sorry prof my hand has cysts in it#awful first impression and those are big to me..#it gets worse though cause i went to get eggs and detergent and my card declined For Some Reason???#the only strange thing i did lately was get gas LMAO I DONT ??? UNDERSTAND.#i mean i got my shit with another card i have but i didnt get the receipt the first time since i thought it was in the bag#but no it gets worse cause i cant even get into my dorm building cause for some reason my id card just. does not open that door#IT OPENS MY DORM ROOM BUT NOT THE BUILDING DOOR and then i couldnt find the housing department room#so i have to email them tonight. to fix my stupid card ig.#but no so i ran back out to ask the clerk if he still had my receipt and He Didnt. Fair Nuff so he just gave me a rough estimate#which is SOOO fun so heres to hoping i didnt underpay my credit card. overpay Ill Live itll prob just be a few cents more#AND THEN I HAD TO DO THE AWKWARD THING WHERE I SIGNAL TO THE DESK CLERK TO LET ME IN. AGAIN#but yeah... AND THEN I HAVE CLASS AT 8AM on god i might just skip since i want to drop the class anyway#but thats also MAD disrespectful.. ill just hope class ends early idk..#so yeah. terrible night. it WILL get worse.#maybe ill make eggs.... not like i can buy food. i mean i CAN but ugh i hate doing credit card payment that shit so extra#and to top it off as i was leaving the store Again some mate was liek 'excuse me sir- oh im sorry excuse me ma'am'#MY GUY I AM WEARING A SUIT AND A FACE MASK AND I HAVE SHORT HAIR STYLED LIKE A DEBATE CLUB MEMBER#YOU WERE RIGHT THE FIRST TIME I PROMISE LMAO kms. fr.#ok im done ranting SORRY. thank you for the reminder baby hedgehogs got cute as hell names..#im gonna try to think of old people to feel better...
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people who don't use the tags to be sad and vent are so powerful lmao couldn't be me
#real talk it has been BAD lately#the POTS has gotten MUCH worse lately#for example. yesterday i had to call someone to bring me a sports drink because sitting up in bed made me almost lose consciousness#like i am DREADING leaving the house because im having minor-ish episodes at least twice a day#and the new scary part is that when i have an episode i cant speak well#i can say a few words at a time but thats it#which is scary and also frustrating because people tend to freak out and ask a lot of questions and its hard to answer#and it sucks because i know i cant do certain things when im home alone anymore#like showering (huge trigger) or cooking (also trigger sometimes) because its honestly kinda dangerous now#its very humbling to have to lie down on the floor because painting for 20 minutes triggered an attack#and a lot of the people around me arent handling it well so thats a whole OTHER set of issues#im honestly thinking of writing out a 'what to do during an episode' plan for the people in my family to make it easier#and another 'how we explain this to people' plan because everyone is giving different accounts and kinda minimizing to not scare people#which i get because it all SOUNDS very scary and we dont want people to be worrying (and frankly bothering us about it)#but if i show up to an event or whatever and have an issue or i start using a mobility aid (maybe?) they'll get weird#ANYWAYS this all sucks but also im hanging in there (and yes my doc is on top of this dont worry)#its going to be really interesting to see how things play out over the coming weeks and months
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Im making plans with an acquaintance i want to sleep for an eternity and im making plans with . an acquaintance
#good grief im so tired and im getting myself into situations#hopeful the Symptoms are lesser next weekend bc i dont wanna cancel on her shes actually really nice and also i should leave my house...#my summer course is online which is just an excuse for me to not set foot outside for 5 weeks straight (have done this before. depression)#but now that i have accidentally gotten myself into meeting with someone i can potentially improve my mental well being#potentially bc well. sometimes everything thats supposed to work dowsnt work and tjen i feel worse#z.post
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I'm starting to see ppl talk abt updating their artfight pages and at first I was like what why it's still months away and then it hit me that by months it was two months and now I'm just silently sweating as my anual side project to remake the eternal gales refs and give them all icons comes back to haunt me
#rat rambles#oc posting#well I mean the good news is that all the staliens are already done and Ive already started on the human kids#the bad news is that theres still 5 more refs for me to remake and 9 icons if I decide to commit to that#the only one Ill probably force myself to do is sprinkles since shes the only stalien that doesnt have one and I dont want to leave her out#the human kids might just not get them tho especially since theres other characters Id like to make refs and icons for too#not as many newbies to the field this year which is a good thing since I do not have a lot of space left for new characters lol#Im probably going to take it easy this year in terms of my goals for artfight since last year I crashed and burned Hard#hopefully Ill have the time and motivation to draw a decent amount but if I dont Ill try not to be too broken up about it#especially since Ill probably burn myself out a bit doing the last minute ref rush lol#its not necessary especially since all the guys who needed the new refs most got theirs but Id like for them to be on the same page#I also went ahead and cleaned up my page a lil bit to make my life easier in the future#I should probably update bios and stuff but I dont feel like it Im too tired#tomorrow Im definitely going to need to clean some more as I have been for nearly every day#I mean guess thats why Im here in part#last week of pet sitting tho so soon Ill be back home again#Im not sure if Im excited or dreading it cause while I miss my family I also have been rly enjoying a house to myself#like its not necessary easy to do all the chores and stuff but it's a lot easier to do said chores when Im alone#and Ive actually been waking up at reasonable times too like not having my mom floating around is doing wonders#its almost making me rethink my insistence that I couldnt live alone but I definitely think itd get to me in the long term I need people#I just wish there was a better middleground since having people constantly in the house stresses me out so bad#it leads to me hiding out all day in my room and that's just not good for me#but its not like I could live by myself even if I wanted to#at this rate I dont think Ill ever move out but lets not think abt how much worse that could be for me thats future me's problem
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i am just about to never talk to anyone again, i have almost no friends or life in person
#i feel rejected by everyone#i slept with one of my closest friends and now hes been avoiding me even tho we had been flirting for months#my partner is upset even though he said it was okay#i haven't talked to my best friend in ages and he hasnt reached out to me so i feel like thats just cut off#im not leaving the house and i feel like i am only bringing the people around me down#things feel good for a bit and then i just feel worse#i probably sprained my hand bc i punched a wall bc i wanted to relapse but the last time i did that my fiance hit them and called me stupid#i keep having truama responses to stuff#i haven't been able to find a job since april and i dont have enough money to keep living anymore#i havent had horomones in almost 2 weeks bc i ran out and haven't been able to get ahold of planned Parenthood bc theyre booked out until#like fuckin dec/jan and they dont ever answer their phones. ive gone so far as to call the ceo of my branch and she cant even do anything#about it.#i want to relapse so fuckin bad#everything is supposed to be going right for me. and its not. i apparently just do this shit to myself. i have to deserve it in some way
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