#(i'll post about it soon it's not bad it's just time consuming and exhausting)

[girls-and-honey]

okay launching myself back into tumblr so it's officially tumblr party night (it's actually not official at all I just made it up but we can pretend. also it's not actually night here yet so... soon it will be tumblr party night). what's tumblr party night?

stalk all my beloved mutuals and see how everyone's been doing, respond to some asks and messages, clean up my drafts and revitalize my queue, and get that sweet sweet dopamine from remembering what my dash looks like and seeing all sorts of cool pretty devastating interesting peculiar relatable mesmerizing etc etc you get it type things

[furiousgoldfish]

Survival skills: Cleaning, Laundry, Living space maintenance

(there's a separate post about cooking, here's a LINK)

So I will assume you're too tired and sick to clean, and in this case we're just trying to prevent actual incidents happening: do not leave food, especially food containing meat or animal products, laying around, because it will cause bacteria and maggots to occur, you don't want that in your home, dispose of them (you can flush bad food in the toilet to get rid, if you don't take out the trash every other day).

In the same vein, sadly dishes sometimes need to get done, if you don't want very odd smells of decomposing food in your kitchen, but it's like, do it once a week in winter, twice a week in summer, and you'll be okay. (High temperature decomposes food quicker). Dishes usually are the most time-consuming cleaning activity because it's something that needs to be done pretty often and it's annoying. You can do it with gloves if you don't like the sensory feeling of it. The absolute easiest way to get it done is to rinse everything as soon as you're done using it, before It gets gross, but do I do that? No. I would never. But it is recommended.

If cleaning is overwhelming, exhausting and just triggering for you, I encourage you to only do whatever is easiest, or even just doing one little area and having that clean and easy to use, without looking at the rest; we're just trying to survive here, not be perfect. No cleaning needs to be perfect, it just has to be done.

Okay, but if you want to have the actual knowledge of how to clean things easily, here's what I do:

Kitchen: I will go against rules and start with sweeping the floors, because I hate walking on messy floor, and having the floor clean already makes the room looks way better, so I don't mind sweeping it once again later. If I have cluttered all the surfaces (which does happen a lot), I will grab all of the things and put them in one spot, like on the table, or the floor, or anywhere just to have all surfaces clean. If there's something dried, grimy or awful happening on the surfaces, the best way to deal with it is to grab a sponge with some soapy detergent, run over the grime, and then leave that to soak 10-20 minutes. Once the dirty part is softened, you can run a wet sponge over it again and it comes out no problem, generally anything you need to clean and it's difficult, leaving it to soak will resolve your issue easily.

So once I've removed all of the things, soaked all the surfaces in soapy water, rinsed them with a sponge, I'll run a dry cloth over it to remove the last of the water, and the surfaces are super clean then. At this point I'll put a cloth on one surface, slowly pick up dish by dish and bring it to the sink and wash it. If the sink is full when I'm starting to wash, it's overwhelming. If I'm bringing in things in one by one, it feels easy, I'm just washing one thing. Once I've washed a dish, I put it on the cloth to dry. Once I'm done with all of the dishes, the pile of stuff I've compiled is usually almost empty, if there's something left like ingredients, decorations, or whatever else, I'll put it back where it belongs. I'll wash the sink and the stove top, when they're also completely free of stuff, and at the end sweep the floor again and wash it. And the kitchen is done!

Bathrooms usually need something acidic for cleaning, you either need a specific bathroom cleaner, or some vinegar (optionally with baking soda). This is because water leaves a lot of calcification on the surfaces, and acidic stuff melts calcium! It takes a while, so like before, it's best to put away all of the things that are stuck in the bathroom, use a sponge to cover everything in bathroom cleaner mixed with water, or just vinegar, leave it for 20 minutes to soak. After that, you should be able to rinse it off, or maybe scrub a little in some places where calcium is a bit heavy, and you should have a clean bathroom.

If you're cleaning a wooden floor, the best way to go about it, is to have a bucket of water, with some floor-cleaning product, few spoons of it mixed with water, and a cloth you can drop in it. Wooden floors can easily get water damage, so you do not want to have them wet for more than few minutes! You squeeze the water out of that cloth as good as you can, and then you can attach it to some squeegee or a broom or whatever you have, (if you don't have a floor cleaning tool) and slide it over the floor to clean it. It should take a few minutes to dry and then you have a clean floor!

If you have a very dirty floor, and it's not wood, but like tiles or something that doesn't get damaged with water, the easiest way to get it cleaned is to put very wet cloth over it, and to soak it a lot. I will not squeeze the water out at all if I'm deep-cleaning tiles, I'll let it all get super wet. Then, you rinse your cloth, squeeze it maximally so it's near dry, and start collecting the dirty water with it. This way, all of the dirt will get melted in water, the floor will be covered with dirty water, and you're collecting that dirty water and taking it away! It's better than just sliding, because sliding in a very dirty area will just mix the dirt, not remove it. You keep rinsing and squeezing your cloth to near-dryness, until you've collected all of the water in it, and then it should be clean or nearly-clean, you can still slide over it in a normal way with a cloth if you want perfect.

Cleaning in general, has no clear rules, you can do it your own way, however you want, with whatever you want. It's recommended to start at the top, clean top shells first and go down from there, do the floor last, but you don't have to listen, clean how it fits you. If you want more tips and really useful information on how to clean hard-to-clean surfaces, go see 'auriikatarina' on youtube, she's a professional cleaner and will make cleaning look both easy and satisfying.

Organizing: When you're organizing your stuff, the easiest way to make everything look neat is to stack things upright, and do it so everything in one category is put together (your books in one place, pencils in another, clothing is in the third spot, your sanitary products in another spot), and line it up so the tallest stuff is in the back, and shortest stuff at the front. In this way you can look at your stuff and immediately see everything, nothing is hidden from view. If you can find cool places in your home to store things from specific category, it will be the easiest to find each time. You want to be able to see everything without rummaging trough it, or attempting to remember where things are, it should be logical. If you can't categorize your stuff, or can't figure out how to organize it, think about how it would be organized in a store, and where would they put it – this helps figure out the logical category and way to store it.

Maintaining your living space

Things break sometimes, or get clogged, and if you watch out periodically for these things, you can prevent a lot of it! If you make sure never to let food get inside of your sink, and have the little plastic things in your bathtub that stops the big pieces from getting in your drain, you can prevent a lot of clogging. Kitchen and bathroom sink have a part underneath that can be dismantled (unscrewed) and you can see if there's any dirt or hair in it, and clear it out, to prevent potential clogging. If you can tell the water is draining very slowly in your sinks or your bathhub, there are drain unclogging products that you can buy, and just pour down your drain in order to clean it, before it gets actually clogged! I do this every time when I feel it's draining slow, and it prevented actual clogging for years now.

It's customary to clean all of the windows in your house, and wash the curtains in your washing machine, at least once a year, twice if you want to be super attentive to it, and this will actually improve the quality of air in your space. Yearly deep cleaning, when you move all the furniture and get to all of the dust, grime and spiderwebs stuck in there, will also improve the air quality, because all of that dust is constantly circulating in the air you breathe and it makes a noticeable difference to clean it.

Airing out the rooms should happen daily, even when it's winter it's good to air the space even for a few minutes, it will improve the amount of oxygen you have in your living space and prevent bad smells from happening. Sometimes you should take a clean broom or cloth and wipe the grime from your ceiling and walls, I rarely do this, but like if you see unattended spiderwebs in there, it will make a difference if you remove those (live spiders can stay, they take care of the flies).

Walls of your living space should be repainted, I think every 5-10 years? I think people have different preferences, I'm okay with walls getting slightly dirty. Usually the kitchen will be the worst because the walls absorb all the fumes from cooking. And, any place you have heating, radiators and such, it will darken the walls. This is normal and happens to everyone.

If you have mold anywhere, that needs to be tended to immediately, there's products for destroying the mold, you should not let that linger on the walls, and it means that either your place is not well protected from the outside wetness, or that you need better air circulation in that space. Do not just repaint it either, mold is poisonous and it grows, wetness and dampness helps it spread, dryness, fire, good dry air circulation kills it. If you have mold in your bathroom, like at the edges of your bathtub, you can destroy it by soaking patches of toilet paper with bleach, covering the mold with that toilet paper, and leaving it like that overnight. Some people say it works with vinegar too, but I haven't tried that. Don't spend time in bleach-soaked bathroom though! Get out of there, bleach fumes are not good for you. And don't mix any, ANY cleaning products together, especially not with bleach, you can create poisonous fumes, and they can gas you.

Carpets should be cleaned once a year, usually they're scrubbed with water and some carpet-cleaning product, in the old times we used just plain soap! There's now dry carpet cleaners too so you can try that as well if you don't feel like washing the entire thing by hand.

Laundry

So every washing machine works differently, but the basics are the same: you can pick a program and temperature, and click start. I have one dial with numbers of different programs, and it's like 'cotton, polyester, whites, quick wash, eco wash, colored' and I don't know what the difference is, I think whatever program you choose, the stuff will get washed, it's a washing machine, it will just take a different amount of time.

The basics of using it are: you put the clothing in, you close it. You open the little compartment by the top, which offers you a place to put detergent, and fabric softener. You can be okay without fabric softener. You figure out where to put the detergent, and put whatever amount you feel is necessary. You close that compartment. You click start. The washing machine starts working and tumbling your clothing around with water and detergent. It takes an hour, sometimes more. After it's done, you can easily open the door to your clothing. The clothing is wet and clean, you take it out, you put it up to dry.

What is important to know, is that if you put colored clothing in a high-temperature wash, it's likely to bleed color, and sometimes this color can attach to your other clothing, so if you accidentally put one red sock with your white stuff, and put it to wash oh a high temperature, you might color all your white stuff into pale red or pink. Which is fun and nothing to feel bad about, except if you really need all that stuff to stay white.

Colored stuff is usually washed on lower temperatures, it can even be washed cold, so from 0-60 is okay. It's recommended to wash winter stuff with other winter stuff, and light summer fabrics with other light fabrics, just because heavy fabrics will usually pull in more water and detergent, so your light fabrics might get neglected. There's different detergents for colored and white stuff, and I usually ignore that too because both can wash both stuff.

White stuff needs to be washed on higher temperatures sometimes, especially your undergarments because they take in a lot of sweat and stuff, and can get less white if you never put them in boiling temperatures. It's normal to put them on 90 degrees. However! Don't ever put super stretchy fabric on high temperatures, because if it has a lot of elastine in it, which is plastic, it can melt! I accidentally destroyed a white hat by putting it in with whites, it was no longer stretchy because all of the stretchy stuff got completely melted in hot water.

I don't have a dryer, so I cannot help you there, usually after the clothes is washed I'll put it on a clothing line, it dries the best in the sun, but will dry anywhere (except exposed to rain, you need to not put it in rain).

If your washing machine starts smelling odd, it's possible that some mold or bacteria is happening in there, and you can disinfect it and clean it by putting a lot of baking soda inside, and then pouring vinegar into the detergent slot. You put the washing machine to a quick wash, with hot water, and this should resolve the issue. Also if you leave wet clothing in there without taking it out and drying it, for more than 24 hours, it is going to develop mold for sure, and this can actually ruin your clothing (I had it happen to a few garments, they got black stains, it's not nice).

If you don't have a washing machine, you can still hand-wash your stuff. Putting it into a bucket with some warm water and detergent, rubbing it together, rinsing and squeezing the water out a few times, and then rinsing in clean water until only clean water is getting out of it – that can work just fine. Sometimes if you need just one garment clean and don't want to use the machine, it's best to just hand-wash it. If your clothes are basically clean but just a little sweaty, rinsing it a few times in water and detergent will make them nice again. If you have some hardcore stains that cannot be washed out even with a washing machine, there's products likes spot-cleaner, and bleach, to help you with that. However you can never use bleach on colored clothing, because it will make very ugly stains on it, bleach is only for pure whites!

Alright this is all I can immediately think of, I probably left some things out, and if anyone wants to add to this, or correct me or anything feel free! I hope this helped you feel less overwhelmed, and more informed about how to successfully live independently. Also if there's questions you want to ask go ahead! This knowledge can be hard to get by if nobody had ever taught you.

Also, this is not something you learn all at once, just from reading one post. You don't need to immediately absorb all of this knowledge, or know how to do it all at once. This is stuff that is learned over months and years or living alone and figuring it out, and none of it is difficult or impossible to do. There's no punishments for doing it wrong, maybe some annoying dealing with some stuff. Nobody should shame you if you don't know all of this, I knew none of it when I started living on my own. I learned it a bit of here and there, and I'm compiling it so it would be more accessible, but none of it needs to be followed directly or done perfectly, and you can ignore some of it completely.

[redo-of-chii]

ʚ♡ɞ 𝕯𝖎𝖌𝖎𝖙𝖆𝖑 𝕰𝖝𝖔𝖗𝖈𝖎𝖘𝖒 𝖙𝖔 𝕰𝖒𝖇𝖔𝖉𝖞 𝖞𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝕭𝖊𝖘𝖙 𝕾𝖊𝖑𝖋 ʚ♡ɞ

I decided to make a series of posts dedicated to mental dieting, even if you're not really into manifestation/law of assumption and you're just into your journey to become your best self.

We spend so much of our time on our phones, tablets or computers that it has become our way of life. Most of the daily content we consume and most of the people we interact with every day come from the internet. We basically consume content like we consume food every day.

We talk about digital detoxing and digital decluttering constantly, but sometimes we have to become extreme to live our best life. We have to be mindful about the content we consume since like I mentioned earlier, we consume it like food and if we can be mindful about the food we consume to nourish our body then we can do the same to nourish our minds and hearts. So basically a digital exorcism is what we need to hold ourselves accountable, including myself.

In fact, I am guilty of this and as soon as I'm done with my own post I'll start doing my own digital exorcism as well to be mindful of my own mental diet since I've been neglecting it for the longest time.

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Here is a list of things to do to start your own digital exorcism with things I've come up with and some ideas I've compiled over the months from reading around:

୨୧ Curate your social media experience.

I know that many people cannot quit social media entirely because nowadays some jobs depend on social media presence, plus social media can be a very nice and positive experience!

The internet should be a safespace for you so curating and being mindful of your content should be a high priority.

Delete people/users and social media that either you don't talk anymore or don't bring positive things into your feed or life.

Engage in content that makes you happy or brings positivity into your life, especially topics that you want to learn or improve so your feed gets filled with those things.

Delete any accounts you have that you don't use or represent a part of your life that reminds you of pain (we all had an emo private account to vent somewhere that either needs to be wiped for a new era or just deleted).

Scroll past things that trigger you without guilt since your mental health has to be the most important thing.

Just put your phone down, think about what you need in your life right now to become your best self or make things better for you mentally and practice mindfulness by curating your experience.

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୨୧ Declutter & Simplify

This sounds very easy but it also can be very exhausting so I advise you to do it on a day off but include some things like skincare or a nice podcast to do it. You have to prepare yourself for this mentally since going down memory lane while doing this can be emotionally draining.

We already mentioned deleting accounts but deleting phone numbers that we no longer engage with is a form of self care, same goes for deleting messages or chat logs.

Leaving Discord servers that are inactive or you no longer engage with. Why keep something like that if you're no longer using them? Out of nostalgia? Honey, don't do this to yourself.

Delete apps or music (especially sad and depressing music!) that no longer serve you. They are taking up a lot of useful space after all.

And in relation to making space, declutter your photo gallery. This can be a rough one since we tend to hoard pictures and hoarding comes from a place of fear. Sit down, be ready to confront yourself, think carefully about how you want to categorize your photos and Konmari everything. Focus mostly on screenshots, pictures that you feel you don't look good in, repeat pictures and pictures that bring you bad memories.

Clean your emails to make space. Unsubscribe to newsletters that you don't need and remove any alerts. Just clean it.

From there, things should look cleaner and simple. I know that some of us are addicted to the chaos but trust me that even if you may feel some regret at first, you'll thank yourself later. Sometimes, your phone is a reflection of the state of your mind after all.

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୨୧ Romanticize your Life!

This is the fun part of the digital exorcism, which is making things easier and prettier!

Redecorate your home page. Put everything in folders and from there you can go crazy! Pretty wallpapers, themes, colors... Anything that your heart desires. You can also apply this to other things, revamp your social media and Pinterest boards for a cleaner and better look.

Go on an account scout mission and follow accounts that align with your thoughts and values of your best self.

Install new apps that bring you joy but also feel purposeful to you. And don't feel guilty about installing things like cute games that can make you pause and relax, just don't abuse screen use!

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୨୧ Other Important Things

Don't forget to update apps and back up what's important. I know that cloud backups are important but don't forget to backup things that may be important in an external hard drive.

Set up a ¨Sleep Mode¨ for your phone so you don't feel tempted by notifications at night and have proper sleep. You can also turn off notifications on some platforms to minimize your anxiety.

Set up ¨Digital Detox Hours¨ every day for you. Reconnect with your hobbies, play with your pet, take a nap, journal, do some prep... Just stay away from your phone. And if you don't have any privacy, it's okay. You can take notes and journal in your phone as well, just stay away from social media. Put on music and relax. This should be time for yourself and your feelings after all.

Don't feel bad about doing regular digital decluttering once you're done with the digital exorcism. This is mostly to start again in a clean slate, if the apps you installed for your clean slate are not to your liking, then you can make a small digital declutter and get rid of them later. It's not a bad thing to try new things because it's part of your self-discovery journey.

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I hope this post was useful and don’t hesitate if you want to share any other advice you may have to improve your digital exorcism!

I might make another post recommending apps I use for manifestation soon in another post.

꒰ Always & Forever — Chii ꒱

[k-s-morgan]

How you doing? Been a while since you last posted. You have me worried. x

Hey! Are you doing okay?

Hi Katrin, I really hope you are okay. Please update us on how you are when you can because we are very worried about you!

Are you alright?

are you alright? haven't heard from you in a while

are you ok? you haven't updated for a while

Hi queen! The war news look terrible, I hope you're all right! I'm worried for you, please write soon!! 💛💙

Are you doing alright? I’m worried about you when you don’t post as often as usual.

Hey!! Are you okay? We haven’t heard from you in a while, I’m kinda getting worried. I hope you and your family are all safe, please let us know

💫Happy Women's Day💫 I wish you all the best

Next time you take a break from Tumblr please let us know! I know we were all worried as hell.

I can’t imagine what you have endured but I hope you know you are stronger than you think. Please don’t let these dark times consume you, one step at a time and keep moving forward. You will get through this! I hope this message means something and just know that we are always here to support you! Stay safe and healthy 💙

------------------------------------

Hi! I'm feeling so wonderfully overwhelmed by the amount of concern and support so many of you expressed over a week. Thank you so much for this, I can't tell you how much it means to see it.

Next time, I will definitely try to warn about my planned absence! The problem with it is that I never know I'm actually going to stay away for a while. I keep telling myself, 'Today I'm finishing the chapter and going to report it!', but then something distracts me and I think that I'll just do it tomorrow. Another tomorrow comes, new excuses appear, and the process turns endless, with me being sure I'm about to post very soon :D

The latest Ruzzian attack was exhausting. It lasted for 7 hours, and while only some missiles hit my city, the dread and dejection, the anticipation of hearing an explosion the next minute were present every minute. People died. Some cities, like Kharkov and the area around it, were subjected to 15 missiles. I heard an incredibly powerful explosion - Russia finally decided to use some of its best missiles that we can't intercept. It has very few of them, but they are absolutely deadly. It sounded like it exploded right in my yard. Their attack had no military value as they hit majorly civilian objects, including some residential buildings.

Afterward, something very bad happened (or rather, almost happened) in my family. I don't want to talk about it right now, so I think I'll leave it for my monthly post.

From good news: the chapter of Those Gentle Slopes is done! It's written, it's edited, and it should be up tomorrow. From Monday, I'm starting working on And the Living Will Envy the Dead.

Thank you all again. Seeing all your messages gave me a huge boost of encouragement and positivity in a situation that seemed bleak and hopeless.

[830poll]

(Happy Saturday! Today's housekeeping is rather hefty, so let's get right into it.)

(I'm sick again. Yes, really. For the third time in as many months. And for unrelated reasons. This week's ailment is a perpetual, very sore throat. Not exhausting so much as very annoying so we'll see how my concentration levels hold up.

My work/life balance is getting shifted around next week. That sounds more dramatic than it actually is lol. Point is, I'll either have way more or way less free time soon. Won't know 'til it happens so we'll see how the ol' update schedule goes. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Tumblr is trying very hard to be pre-Musk twitter, and that's messing up the story's archives. Okay, this is the big one. So as you've probably noticed, Tumblr has been going hard on copying Twitter's layout this past year. Some of them - like adding polls - are great news for us! And then you get the changes to the app layout and the toolbar and this tumblr live shit and good lord just stop. What worries me most is the website trying very, very hard to pivot away from custom blog themes. Most links redirect to the in-dash browser, asks can no longer be sent from people who are logged out, and if you try to read a blog without an account it eventually cuts you off and tells you to sign up. For a webcomic - even a silly, informal one like 8.30 Poll - this is very bad. It's impossible to view the story chronologically when on mobile, and posts with polls in them are set in stone so I can't even manually go back and add in links to each update. If custom themes really are getting removed then these problems will extend to desktop as well. In short, I need to find a way to back up or mirror this story. We're not moving sites because we can't. There isn't another platform out there that has all the features necessary to run a story like this (besides maybe /tg/, but I'm not prepared to run this there lol). So instead I ask how I should go about backing this up. A plain .pdf with the text and images? The animations wouldn't work but it'd be easy and accessible. A HTML5 archive (similar to the Ruby Quest ones) would be more time consuming to put together and would be incompatible with screen readers, but would improve the pacing and allow for animations. Either way, we're almost at a hundred updates so if ever there were a time to start thinking about it, it's now. 'Cause the longer I wait the more of a pain it's going to be to maintain if/when tumblr shits itself.

...And that's about it!

Thank you as always for reading, and for your patience. Can you believe this thing's been going for six months now? Wild.

Will see you all on Monday, barring unforeseen bullshit!)

[forgottenluck]

So, life update here.

I know i've posted a few of these recently, but life's kind of got me in a choke hold at the moment and I've had little time nor energy to be on tumblr.

Because lets face it, tumblr is very energy consuming. There's always some sort of drama going on in some corner, or the devs have decided to push another update....something's always going on, and it takes quite a bit of energy to push through and get things done.

That being said, things....are calming down for me a bit. (medical stuff under cut, as well as the rest of what i want to say.)

Mom has finally stabilized enough to where she's out of the ICU. The doctors still refuse to tell me how bad of a stroke she had, but from what I can see? It was pretty bad. She can barely talk, barely lift her hands. She has to have assistance for the most part eating. (not swallowing though, she's got a hell of a swallow reflex which is good.) Her memory is absolutely shot. I've come up to visit her every day i'm off, and she still asks me when she's going home. She doesn't remember me coming any other time.

As bad as it sounds, I'm glad this happened when it did. It puts further emphasis on the fact that I cannot take care of her by myself, which makes it more likely that insurance will pay for her to stay at a nursing facility. I'm not saying that I don't appreciate her, that i'm glad she's in the hospital....because I love her to death and want her to stay around for as long as she can. But I have reached the end of what I can do for her, had for a long time now...but was lieing to myself. I was destroying myself to care for her.

With her stabalizing, i've found myself with a bit more free time. Mosst of this right now is being spent unpacking and organizing. My whole life is in boxes and totes and it's....hard. A little bit every day. I finally have a desk set up and a few of my shelves for books up. my dresser is in the right place....I've got some more things to move out of the living room, but things are slowly coming together. Me and my roommate are getting together and buying the things we know we're going to need.

I've had to replace almost all my bedding, replace all the cookware...I've washed my clothes at least 5 times. it's been hard, and rough.

The other thing i'm trying to focus on is my...personal health. I'm trying to find a skin care routine for myself. Hair care. Body care. I've joined PlanetFitness to try and loose some weight. (i'm only 5'2" and almost 180lbs. i'm afraid if i don't start now, i'll hit that 200 mark) I've never really been able to actually care for myself, always been focused on mom, and her care that i've exhausted myself on my own.

I think the thing that will be the hardest to overcome....is the fact that I don't actually have to care for her anymore. I don't have to have her in the back of my mind; i can't stay out later than a couple of hours, I have to get home to get her food, i can't do anything without asking her first.....all of that doesn't exist anymore. I can stay out as long as I want. I only have to worry about myself for food and groceries. I don't have to ask anyone if i can even leave the house/apartment. It hit me today while me and my roommate were out at PlanetFitness, just how free I was.

And just how sad it was that I was just now getting to be free. I'm going to be 31 in september.....and all my life pretty much has been spent careing for her. My formative years? High school, college? All focused on her. I'm only just now experiencing what a fresh college student gets to experience once they leave home.

There's a lot that i have to figure out.....with myself, with my life. Where I'm going from this point. But one thing I know, is that i'm not leaving tumblr any time soon. While it may take me some time, and I may only have muse for specific things, specific people.....i'm not going anywhere.

Tumblr has gotten me through the roughest parts of my life. There's no way i'm abandoning it any time soon. I just...might take some time to cycle back around and get back to work. I just want to give updates on what's going on. Not many people may care, but someone might. And maybe, someone is going through something similar. A rough patch, a hard time. Might feel like the world is crashing down around them.

Take it from me; it gets better. It takes time. And sometimes, life just decides to hit you all at once. But it does get better. It took 15 years for it to get better for me. But it is getting better. Slowly, painstakingly slowly....but still, just a bit. Every day.

[wraenata]

Hello again!

I did this lil silly survey a long while ago :)

I wanted to ask if you would mind to answer a few of my questions again :3

If not, that's totally fine! No pressure!

How many hours do you sleep per night?

How many hours are enough to get through the day and how many are a lot for your standard?

Is caffein (in any form) part of your morning routine or your 'last resort'?

How do you feel over the day before and after consuming caffein (if you consume any)?

For example: sluggish, foggy, awake, exhausted, grumpy, just tired, etc.

Thank you a lot for (maybe) participating!

If you want, I can add you when I post the results, but I can also leave you out :)

Hi Kiki! Sorry to answer this late again.

1. I am unable to sleep more than 5 hours at a time, so depending on when I go to bed, I might get less than that. I have trouble falling back asleep if it's too close to when I need to get up for work, which is 5 am. So I often supplement my sleep with naps. Which I will nap for 2 to 4 hours. It's gotten pretty bad. I set alarms but I do not remember turning them off oof. Basically I can be up for about 3 hours before I want to rest again. My weekends are very sleepy.

2. I could get 8 hours of sleep (nights plus nap combined) or 12 hours and still feel exhausted the next day. I can survive on 4 hours of sleep but it won't be pretty. Lately I've been sleeping during my lunch hour. I definitely feel like I'm declining every day haha. Doctors appointment is soon tho!

3. I only recently started drinking caffeinated tea (one cup) to try and stay awake when I get home from work or on the weekend. Idk how much it helps. I'll still fall asleep. I've never had coffee before. I don't think the tea really makes me feel anything to be honest. Not grumpy or foggy or anything. Just maybe slightly more awake. I should probably go make some rn actually.

I hope that answers your questions! I hope that my doctors appointment will help change these answers to be honest! If you haven't posted your results yet you can tag me go ahead!

Hope youre doing well!

[arabella111]

PLEASE READ THIS !!

‼️ TW // OVERDOSE ‼️

hey everyone,

as you guys must've noticed, i have been inactive these past days. this is mainly because i have been a little unwell. i overdosed myself on my medicines because of some stuff that happened which affected me mentally. i know this was not the best thing to do and there are better ways to cope up with trauma and stuff but at that time, nothing felt right. i don't advise anyone to do this nor do i glorify overdosing, even if you feel mentally exhausted and your emotions start controlling you, get hold of yourself. whatever you're going through is understandable, you're valid, your problems are valid and you are always allowed to feel bad and cry about stuff. but never let it affect you in a way, you would be harmed in long term. if you ever feel like venting/talking about stuffs, just dm me, i will be more than happy to help :)

thankfully, there wasn't much damage and i am okay now. though, i personally need some time for myself. before anyone says, "work on your self concept", cus i know there will be people who would start suspecting the law, it's nothing about that, i was just not in my right mind and i also let my emotions consume me, which is not the best thing to do. anyways, i am going on a little hiatus for some time, i'll be back soon, hopefully.

regardless of the break, i will still post the subliminal i promised i would. i can't assure anything about answering asks/dms though mainly because i don't want to hurry and blabber mindlessly. i will make a side blog to talk to you guys cus i don't want to lose touch with my followers :3 not gonna lie, tumblr had been my go-to comfort place for a long time. people here are really nice and so kind. we do have some drama here and there but it really doesn't matter because at the end of the day, everyone understands. i just love interacting with you all so much. like this community is hands down my emotional support :")

this isn't a goodbye, don't worry, i will try my best to come back as soon as possible! i will update you all on my side blog! love you all <333

with love,

arabella ❣️

[scfttwice]

think of me

> jeongyeon's hiatus puts jina into another bad day, but her members, including jeongyeon herself, plan to turn that around.

mina's hiatus was hard on the entirety of the group. after nearly four years of being idols together, it was the first time they had to do a concert, attend schedules, and promote their comeback as nine members instead of ten for such an extended period. the absence of a single member might have seemed trivial, but it sure did leave an impact on the fans, the staff, and the rest of twice especially. although they understood that it was what was best for mina, they missed her terribly. so when she finally returned, everyone was ecstatic.

they didn't expect another member hiatus to happen so soon.

as someone who was there to experience the emptiness of twice without mina and understood perfectly how it affected the group, jeongyeon made the decision to take her own hiatus with a heavy heart. she had discussed it with jihyo beforehand, then with the agency, and finally with her other members. they were devastated, to say the least, but they knew a break was what jeongyeon needed and deserved, so they supported her choice nonetheless.

they were going to wait for her, no matter what.

jina, as she had done with mina, spent the first day without jeongyeon sulking. they were in the midst of practicing in preparation for promoting their next comeback which was just around the corner, and while the general mood of the practice room was gloomy, jina displayed it the most.

she didn't talk to anyone that day. she just practiced, and practiced, and practiced, as if she was using it as a distraction from the lack of one person in the room, until her chest was heaving for air. her members, albeit concerned, knew not to approach her yet. she had been in a similar state before, back when mina wasn't around. they understood that she needed time, so that was what they were giving her.

when they returned to their dorms late that night, only then did jina's exhaustion hit her. after quickly washing up, she went straight into her room and fell onto her bed, letting her soft blanket engulf her. with a deep sigh, she turned her head to face the wall.

there, leaning against the wall right next to her, was the stuffed dinosaur toy jeongyeon had given her years ago. she reached out to pick up the toy and observe it, smiling crookedly as she recalled the memory.

“jina, look! i got you something,” jeongyeon had announced one day after she returned to the dorms from an outing with her older sister, seungyeon. jina curiously accepted the paper bag from jeongyeon and peeked inside, smiling widely as she pulled out a stuffed dinosaur from it. “it's so cute!” she exclaimed while hugging the toy tightly to her chest.

“i figured you'd like it,” jeongyeon said with a chuckle of amusement from watching the maknae. “i thought it was fitting since you call me dino unnie a lot these days. so whenever you'd look at it or hug it, you'd think of me. and remember that no matter what happens, i'll always be by your side.”

another sigh escaped jina's lips, before she pulled the toy to her chest, hugging it tightly. “i miss you,” she muttered against the soft fabric of the toy. then suddenly, she heard the ding of a notification come from her phone. she picked it up from her nightstand and saw that it was a text message from dahyun.

“jina, come on out. let's have dinner,” the text read.

in all honesty, jina did not feel like eating, even though she hadn't eaten anything since breakfast many hours ago except for an energy bar during lunch break earlier. ironically she was the one who often reminded her members to eat their meals, but she couldn't help it, she simply lacked the appetite to consume any proper food.

however, she figured she had avoided her members enough for the day, and might as well go and talk to dahyun, chaeyoung, and tzuyu even if she didn't want to eat.

her whole body felt heavier than usual as she pushed herself off of her bed and walked out of her room to make her way to the living room of the dorm she shared with the other maknae's. she furrowed her eyebrows in confusion when she picked up the sound of loud chatter coming from up ahead. stepping out of the hallway, her eyes widened in surprise when she reached her destination to find all eight of the rest of twice there.

all kinds of food were set up on the coffee table, ranging from tteokbokki to gejang, along with two large bottles of cola. the girls, who were just starting to pass around plates and utensils, sat around the table, with an empty spot saved for jina between momo and tzuyu. and across from the empty spot, nayeon sat holding her phone...

...with jeongyeon on a video call.

“jina, there you are!” chaeyoung exclaimed happily when she saw jina standing by the hallway, drawing the others' attention to the korean-japanese girl as well. “come on, sit,” momo invited her while patting the floor between herself and tzuyu.

although she was still trying to process what was happening, jina wordlessly shuffled towards her group and sat down in her designated spot. her eyes immediately fell on nayeon, or more accurately, the phone she was holding.

“hi, jina! i was wondering where you were!” jeongyeon greeted from the other end of the video call. jina could clearly see her on the screen, as she smiled widely and held up a hand to give a small wave. “dino unnie...” jina managed to breathe out, swallowing back a sob. she was feeling a tiny bit overwhelmed by being able to see her unnie after such a draining day.

“hey, jag-eun yong, i hope you're not beating yourself up like you did the last time,” jeongyeon said, her tone serious but her voice soft and gentle. “i'm gonna be fine, you know i'm a tough girl, right? i'll be back before you know it...so don't worry too much, okay? plus, you can always call me whenever you miss me. or...or hug your jeonggeu.”

jina wasn't able to form a coherent sentence, so instead of verbally answering, she nodded in response, all the while holding back tears. jina didn't want jeongyeon worrying about her, especially if it's because she's worried about jeongyeon. “that's my good dragon.”

“i heard you didn't eat much today,” jeongyeon continued. “so let's eat dinner together. all ten of us.”

with that, tzuyu passed jina a plate, and the nine girls in the dorm began to dig into the food, while jeongyeon ate her own at her place. with jeongyeon staying on the phone throughout the entire time, the ten of them were able to enjoy their meal and talk together, as if all ten of them weren't apart in the first place.

i nearly forgot to post this

this one doesn't touch on the topic of anxiety as much as the mina one, but still if anyone thinks this shouldn't be posted please let me know.

[xxkellsvixen19xx]

Spotlight: A Life Of A Troubled Celebrity Heartthrob Ch 9

Spotlight: A Life Of A Troubled Celebrity Heartthrob Chapter 9

Word Count: 3,432

We're going to skip the formalities Ashleigh," Colson strolled into the study and pushed Ashleigh's chair back, "Why did you you do it??"

"Colson I-" Ashleigh looked at him, frightened, "Slim said if I didn't do it then-it would have been me instead," she hung her head in shame.

"Hmm.." Colson held his chin and pretended to be in deep thought, "so you gave up Y/N instead..makes sense I guess," he shrugged.

"What?!" her head snapped up.

"Slim is a crackhead and is blazed half the time..what's your excuse for taking part in this Ashleigh," his eyes were fire and ice all at once.

"He threatened me-" she cried out.

"But you made conscious decision to help him f*ck my wife didn't you?!" Colson shot back, "you even spiked her drink with a double dose of the drug!" He shouted, "why did you do that? Huh?!"

"I was scared!" she said as the tears pooled her eyes,

"Ahhh..I see.." Colson stood up, " are you scared Ash?" Colson got up stared directly into her eyes.

"Y-e-ss.." she gulped and looked at the bodyguards that towered behind Colson.

"Good," Colson said with satisfaction, "it's good that you're afraid," he paced around her chair, "At least I've got the decency to plan this thing in front of you; and not behind your back like what you did to someone that considered you a friend," he stopped in front of her, "Now I'm going to get one of these guys to lock you in a tiny bathroom and have his way with you? How about that? Sound familiar?"

"Don't! Please! I'll do anything!" she fell at Colson's feet and grovelled.

"Guys can I have a volunteer to take this lovely lady into the restroom and do what ever you feel like with her? Actually I want you to go as far as Slim did with my wife..or further maybe? Rog? Andre? You're game?" Colson asked.

"Let me at her Col. I think I will do a good job than Rog over here," Andre motioned with his head.

"No, no, no. Please allow me Col? I will do a better job than Slim," Rog said smugly.

"Okay Rog you're our guy!" Colson patted Rog on the back, "don't worry Ashleigh I'll just turn a blind eye like you did and I hope, for your sake, there's someone that cares enough to come and knock the door down-like I did," Colson stepped away from her, "Hey don't forget to rough her up and spike her drink before-just like Slim did to my wife."

"Waaiiitt! Don't leave me! I'm sorry! Please! Slim made me do it-he-he threatened me," Ashleigh wailed.

"Why didn't you come to me?! You had a choice and you did the wrong thing Ashleigh! That makes you as bad as Slim!" Colson yelled at her, his blue eyes blazing. "By the way-enjoy your stay in prison," he informed her before he left the room.

"Take her away Rog and don't come out until she passes out just like Y/N," Jax looked down at her with disgust.

"Jax! Please don't do this!" she pleaded but Jax was having none of it.

"You saw it fit to do it to Y/N so why should I feel sorry for you? Take her away," Jax said.

"Noooo! Please!" Ashleigh screamed as Rog threw her over his shoulder; to carry out orders.

"How far do you want to take this Colson?" Jax asked as they walked to the car.

"As far as Slim took liberties on my wife," Colson replied tersely, "I want her to experience everything that Y/N went through. She should have a play by play version and we'll see how she feels being in the same shoes."

"So they're not going to actually...?" Jax raised his eyebrow.

"No! I gave them strict instructions not to take it that far," he reiterated.

"Okay," Jax opened the door for Colson and he jumped in.

"Please take me to the hospital? I need to check on Y/N before I lose my mind," Colson sighed heavily, "the doctor has assured me that he didn't..get very far."

"What a relief!" Jax sagged on the driver's seat.

"If he had-I was going to kill him with my bare hands," Colson clenched his fist.

"Not if I got to him first-with a bullet straight through his head," Jax said with conviction.

"I think we need to leave this place. Just me and Y/N," Colson said, "please make the arrangements?"

"Where are we going to this time?" Jax questioned, knowing he was part of the plan.

"Jamaica," Colson replied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Good morning baby," Colson sat on the hospital bed and held Y/N's hand. Her eyes fluttered open and she groaned.

"You told him," she snatched her hand out of his grasp and turned aside.

"What?!" Colson asked, confused.

"I told you something in confidence," she cleared her throat, "and you told Slim so he could use it against me," she sniffled.

"Sweets.." Colson jumped onto the bed and lay in front of her, "look at me? Please?" he held her face tenderly.

"I honestly have no idea what you're going on about" his blonde hair flopped over his eyes and he tossed it back, "can you at least fill in the blanks so that we can be on the same page?" he stared at her intently.

"He knew," she whispered, "he knew about Bobby," she dropped her gaze.

"Who's Bobby baby?" Colson asked gently.

"My ex," she gulped as she twisted her hands nervously.

"I didn't tell him anything about it sweets. I swear. Maybe he overheard me talking to Jax the other day..I wanted him to help find him so you wouldn't have to worry about him coming back-I didn't want it hanging over your head," Colson explained "plus you never really told me his name.."

"Oh," her eyes focused on chest.

"You like my t-shirt?" Colson joked.

"I've always found plain white t-shirts fascinating," she rolled her eyes.

"This isn't just any white t-shirt babe-it's an original Levi," Colson held out the hem of the t-shirt and grinned.

"I'm sorry for spoiling your night," Y/N apologized.

"Hey..don't do that," Colson held her chin up and gazed into her e/c orbs, "I should be the one apologizing actually. I was supposed to protect you but-"

"Can we not talk about this?" she frowned and looked away.

"Sure," there was an awkward silence. "I'll go and check with the doctor if he's done with your discharge papers," Colson hopped of the bed and left the room.

Y/N looked up the ceiling and sighed heavily. How did she end up in this situation for a second time? If Colson hadn't kicked down the door when he did then-she didn't even want to think about it. She would rather keep it buried in her emotional archives.

"Good morning!" Jax stood at the door with his hands in his pockets, "is there room for one more?" he smiled.

"Jax!" Y/N gave him a genuine smile, "come in!" Jax got to her in two strides and engulfed her in a bear hug.

"You okay kid?" he leaned back and examined her.

"Yeah," she grinned.

"Good. The doctor has given you the green light, you can go home" he nodded with satisfaction, "did your husband tell you that we're going on honeymoon?"

"No Jax," Colson cut in, "but you might as well tell her."

"Tell me what?" Y/N asked.

"We're going to the Caribbean baby," Jax smiled.

"What?! Really babe??" Y/N gushed and Colson nodded with a smile.

"Let's get out of here I need to pack."

***********************************

It was a beautiful day; the birds were singing, the sun was shining and all was alright in the world. For now at least.

Colson woke up early and went to take his usual swim. The beach was deserted as he walked towards the water, in his shorts and his towel slung over his shoulder. He loved to take an early morning swim as part of his workout routine because it helped him to think; and he had a lot of thinking to do this morning.

At the end of this week they were going back to reality and he wasn't sure if he was ready for that. The press that constantly stalked him and pried into his private life unashamedly, his fake friends, the pressure of staying at the top and last but not least his dear mother in law. Mrs Y/M/F/N L/N had called him, breathing fire and threatening to castrate him as soon as his jet touched the ground of Cleveland. He would definitely chose dealing with the press over that any day.

While he understood that she had genuine concerns, Y/N was a grown woman and the only thing that mattered to him. The way he felt about her frightened him. After Dani he had promised to never fall in love again. Love was complicated, it was too intense and it made you vulnerable; but worst of all you could risk getting your heart broken. He had loved Dani more than was humanely possible-he could have done anything for her and he did, but after she slept with his best friend she did irreparable damage to his heart. He couldn't risk it again-and yet he found himself totally consumed by Y/N Y/L/N.

Her eyes captivated him and sent his heart spiraling to the ends of the unknown. When she laughed or smiled at him he felt like he could take on the world. Making love to her was an indescribable feeling..he couldn't put it into words even if he tried. She was always on his mind and he just wanted to be with her all the time. He was selfish when it came to her-he didn't want anyone else around when they were together; he wanted all her attention; all of her.

Colson swam back to the shore, his body was exhausted. He bent over and held onto his knees, trying to catch his breath.

"Smile," Y/N said and as he looked up startled she took a pic with her iPhone.

"Hey sweets," his face broke into a smile and his heart skipped a beat.

"I could wake up to this every morning..some girls have all the luck," she sighed and took a few more pics of Colson in his swimming trunks, water dripping from his gorgeous body.

"You know what Bambi..I think you need to be in the pic as well-"Colson lunged at her and grabbed her, making her wet. She was dressed in a short floral caftan dress which did nothing to protect her.

"Baker!" she squealed, "you're making me wet!"

"Just what I love to hear sweets," he crushed her against his solid chest and their lips merged, melting into each other. He wove his fingers into her silky soft hair and she in turn slid her fingers into his wet hair.

Jax stood behind them clearing his throat and got their attention.

"Just on time Jax-please take a video and post it on Instagram asap okay?" Colson handed the phone to him.

"A video??," Y/N asked. Before she got a response Colson swooped her off her feet and threw over his shoulder. He ran back into the water amidst Y/N's screams and protests.

She landed in the water with a splash and Colson laughed at her as she spluttered in the water.

"Baker you are dead!!" she jumped onto his back and they both keeled over back into the water. Y/N tried to escape but he caught her foot and dragged her back in. They continued a full out make out session and would have taken it further if Jax hadn't reminded them that they were in a public area.

"That's enough you two!" Jax yelled, "breakfast is served, let's go."

"Let's get changed first. Come one," Colson put his arm around her shoulder as they walked back to the villa. They had a quick shower and dressed up before going for breakfast.

"Can't we go out somewhere for breakfast?" Y/N suggested, "We're in the Caribbean so we might as well take advantage of it."

"As mi 'lady wishes," Colson bowed.

"Baker!" Y/N swatted his arm.

"But I went all out and made breakfast for you two?" Jax grumbled.

"Sorry Jax. Guess we will have to stay and eat," Y/N said.

"Killjoy," Colson muttered under his breath.

"Don't worry babe, we can explore after breakfast," Y/N squeezed his arm.

"Ooh, I like the sound of that.." Colson murmured and leaned in to kiss her.

"Can we eat now?" Jax complained.

"I would rather eat what I'm looking at right now.." Colson continued to suck on Y/N's lips and she giggled.

"Gosh! I think I'm going to throw up," Jax rolled his eyes, "I'm going to eat at my villa. I'll leave you kids to it." He threw his napkin on the table and stood up.

"Hey Jax," Colson said, "You're officially off duty. We'll call you when we need you."

"Thank you!" Jax said with a sigh of relief, "at least I won't have to witness you two sucking face any longer."

"Makes two of us," Colson replied. They laughed as they watched him leave.

"You're not a nice person Baker," Y/N said as she nibbled on a piece of bacon.

"I know but I'm still yours," he tucked a lose strand of hair behind her ear.

"Are you really?" she asked with uncertainty.

"Sweets-let's not do this? Please?" he raked his hair.

"So nothing has changed," she nodded and her gaze as she twisted her fingers nervously.

"I'm going for a walk!" Colson pushed back his chair and it screeched as he stood up.

"Fine!" Y/N shouted at his retreating back.

Y/N thought that things had changed. That somehow his feelings had changed and he was finally ready to admit that he loved her, that this was more than a casual fling, that they had passed the stage of testing the waters. She had hoped they had established their relationship on a solid foundation but his outburst had proved that they were still on ground zero.

Two steps forward. Two steps back.

**********************************

Y/N spent the day watching Netflix in the guest room at the villa. She had ordered room service because she didn't feel like cooking. She didn't feel like doing anything but wallowing in self-pity. Colson hadn't shown up for lunch or dinner and Y/N went into further depression. There was a fully stocked bar so she decided to take full advantage of it and drowned her sorrows.

She heard loud music coming from outside so she got dressed in her best outfit and headed out. There was no way she was going to sit at home while Colson was probably out there having a good time. She stumbled into a local club that seemed to be happening tonight and made a beeline to the bar.

"Can I have a cosmo?" she asked the barman and he nodded. She sipped on it slowly and watched the revelers grinding on each other; having a good time.

"Care to dance?" Colson came from behind and whispered in her ear.

"Get lost Baker," she retorted without swinging around.

"Look sweets, I'm sorry for walking out on you," he turned her around and he took her hands, "I shouldn't have done that-please forgive me?" he pouted.

"We can't make progress if that's what you going to do every time we have a fight," she said, "where have you been all day anyway?"

"I went scuba diving and surfing with Jax," he replied. "Can we just be Colson and Y/N tonight? For the rest of the week maybe?" he caressed her cheek with the back of his hand, "No fighting, no arguing-no nothing-good vibes only. Just me and you enjoying each other's company? Can we do that baby?" he implored.

"Okay Baker. I'm sold," Y/N rolled her eyes and picked up her drink.

"I know we need to do grown up talk soon but can it be when we get back home?" he asked, "for now I just want to enjoy my honeymoon with my beautiful and sexy wife," he took her drink and gulped half of it down.

"Hey! Get your own," she slapped his arm. He ordered another round for them and then a couple of more. She was feeling light headed and her face was tingling. The alcohol had clearly kicked in and she could feel it.

"Let's go dance!" Colson pulled her to the dance floor.

"I don't even know how to dance to this music!" she shouted into his ear. She looked around her and all she could see was people gyrating on each other. If they didn't have any clothes on it would have been x-rated.

"There's nothing to it sweets. Just follow my lead," Colson started grinding against her and she followed suit.

They got lost in the moment as their bodies intertwined as they moved to the rhythm of the music. He turned her around and fitted her back into the contour of his body, his hands slowly gliding down her thighs. She weaved her hands in his hair and pressed her backside into him and he groaned into her ear.

"You're killing me Bambi," his lust filled voice whispered into her ear, sending chills down her spine. He gripped her hips tightly and sucked her earlobe and she gasped.

"I learnt from the best," she said breathlessly, as she continued to grind against him.

"Bathroom-now!" he growled.

"What?!" her eyeballs almost popped out. This was so hot but she had to be the voice of reason here. He grabbed her hand and led her to the ladies restrooms, "Colson-you can't be serious?!

"This is Jamaica sweets. We can't come here and not have hot, spontaneous sex in the bathroom," he slammed the door shut and made sure it was locked.

"What if we get caught?" she asked breathlessly, as he planted hot kisses on her neck.

"Too bad-they will just have to hear you screaming my name," he said in a husky voice, before he pushed her against the door and took her right there and then.

Welcome to Jamaica.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The rest of the night was a blur and just when Y/N thought she was ready to head home, Colson told her the night was only beginning.

"We've been invited to an after party at Sean Paul's and I have been trying forever to get a collabo with him. This is my chance," Colson said as they jumped into the limo.

"Can you maybe drop me off at home? I'm totally wasted," Y/N groaned and leaned back on the leather seat.

"Not a chance sweets," Colson leaned in and kissed her until she was breathless, "better?" he asked with a smile.

"Hmmm," was all Y/N could day.

"We won't stay long. Promise," he assured her but they both knew it was a lie.

Colson kept her entertained throughout the night and never left her side. They danced, talked, drank and danced some more. Finally she couldn't stand on her feet any more so they went to sit down again. The people at their table were smoking a joint an passing it around and Colson pulled on it a couple of times before passing it to Y/N.

"No way!" she pushed his hand away.

"Don't tell me you've never smoked weed sweets?" he looked genuinely shocked.

"Never..not interested," she slurred, "I don't smoke."

"This is different. Besides-we're in Jamaica sweets. You can't be here and not experience this," he looked at the joint like it was gold, "come on just try it. Just one drag," he coaxed and his new found friends cheered her on.

"Okay, okay" she relented. Against her better judgement she took it and smoked it until she choked on the smoke.

"Yeah!" everyone cheered for her.

"Well done Bambi," Colson chuckled and rubbed her back.

To this day Y/N couldn't remember how she got home that night.

Colson teased her about it the next day. Apparently she danced on the table and almost did a strip show but he had stopped her just in time. He even got a lap dance.

"You're a bad influence Baker," she groaned and went back to sleep.

[puncture]

10/14/21

briefly emerges from beginner grammar depths

I finished reading Tae Kim's grammar guide. It only took me like six years.

I have a feeling this was only the beginning of my relationship with this guide though. I definitely tried to understand every concept that was thrown at me, but reading all that in the span of three days of course it only got me vaguely familiar. The basic grammar section was all review, with some nuances. The essential grammar section was like 25% review. Everything else was basically new to me other than some patterns I'd already come across when reading. So I can see myself rereading at some point, on top of constantly referencing.

Phew. That was exhausting and very difficult to make myself do. I've always been bad at just sitting down and studying like that, and this time was no different. I haven't given Tae Kim enough credit all these years I've been avoiding his guide though, it really isn't too painful to read. It's a lot, but his tone is enjoyable and he makes things pretty simple to understand. I think his writing and format does a good job of not wasting the reader's time while still having character so that it's not a complete snoozefest. I'd like to get my hands on his grammar guide's physical book.

So now to reassess my grammar studies. I will probably stop reading Genki II. I cross referenced the five chapters I have left in Genki II against Tae Kim using Bunpro's "paths" and yeah there's kind of no need to finish reading Genki II grammar now. If I'm reading and don't understand something, I can check Genki II to see how they explain it, but there's no point in just reading that when I can be immersing now. I might finish the readings since I found them interesting.

I'll absolutely still be using all the resources though because I need my grammar to level up. I might start using a grammar deck in anki. I'd probably do like three new cards a day alongside focusing on reading and mining words.

Just a thought but I may also start keeping a grammar spreadsheet. Something like Bunpro that has a point and then various places where I can read about the point. Bunpro is good for this but a spreadsheet would be easier for me to search through and I'd also be able to curate it myself. I'd like to add stuff from various JLPT prep materials. You can kind of do this if you have a paid subscription to Bunpro, to be fair.

--

Comprehensible Japanese on YouTube is an amazing channel that I wholeheartedly recommend to anyone who wants some listening content. Yuki-sensei's new video on Kabuki was really interesting! I was pleasantly surprised that I understood it even though it was an intermediate level video, but she's really good at using gestures and drawings to give context clues pertaining to unknown vocabulary. I may go through and watch the rest of her free intermediate videos. As soon as I'm able I'll definitely become a paid user because I think she puts out high quality content.

--

Well that was just a check in. I'm off to try to get some reading in! I'm hoping to put out a post that's less of a diary format and more of a "these are native materials I would like to consume in Japanese" self inspiration post. Lately I spend a lot of time looking at JP books and adding them to my wishlist.

[lukasthemedic]

Property Brothers Fic

Original posting date - 2016 A03 works

Renovation Hell

Chapter 1

Jonathan gently rubs his fingers against his temples, leaning down on the counter above his barely touched chicken and fruit salad. His hands and arms are covered in particles from this current reno, his legs ache to the point he can barely stand it. Actually, all of him aches. He's been working so hard, so many late nights into early mornings. The unbelievable requests of these homeowners, more additions the further into the already crunched timeline they gave him. Barking orders, stalling the installation of most of the lower level of the house still. He is generally pretty calm, easy going. But he can barely continue to take the filming with this couple.

Jonathan's phone rings, a vivid reminder that he isn't off work, even when he is. "Hey, this is Jonathan." He says as professionally as he can manage into the speaker, keeping one hand leaning against his now throbbing head. He already knows who it is before he even gets an answer back on the staticky other end. "Yeah, I know it looks like it's not coming together as quickly as you had wanted it, but I can assure you--" He's cut off by more hasty, obnoxious comments being spewed from the other line of the husband and wife duo.

The door creaks open quickly and Drew is careful to shut it quietly, with ease. He knows how difficult this renovation has been on Jonathan, how much work he has had to put into it. How much work it has been on all of them, the whole crew.

"I understand, and I know that you'll be the ones living in the house, seeing it for the rest of your lives. But I can assure you, I am going to make the deadline and ensure all of your requests have been met. How about I bring over some new options for the kitchen backsplash and countertops tomorrow morning and you can meet me there and take a look." He blankly explains, as calmly as possible. He gently taps his fingers against his fork, regretting the portion of his salad he already consumed. The insults and stabbing remarks about his work make his stomach turn. He's hates this aspect of trying to be a helpful person to everyone. He should have known, this evening like all the rest, wouldn't come without an interrupting, hellish phone call.

Drew takes a sharp, shaky breathe and makes his way towards his twin, careful to keep himself quiet when he grabs wine glasses and pours them both extremely large servings, sitting down across from Jonathan at the kitchen bar.

Jonathan's face turns a deep scarlet, rolling his eyes as he continues to keep himself from snapping under more demands of the clients on the other end. His palms are sweaty, and Drew can tell he is getting more and more frustrated by the way that his brothers hand tenses up under his when he tries to slide it over his while he taps it against his fork, silently pleading with him to keep his cool.

"Yes, I completely understand. I'll be there as early as you need me to get my work out of the way. I'm sorry there have been so many inconvenient steps for you. I appreciate the opportunity to be able to work with you on your dream home."

"Yeah, dream home is an extremely shit description for having to work with your incompetent crew. I can't believe we have to deal with all of this bullshit. You better be there in the morning when I get there!" Drew hears the guy on the other end of the line yelling at his brother, putting no ease into the way he slams into Jonathan's. Drew is thankful when the guy decides to hang up on him, abruptly ending the phone call, allowing Jonathan to put his phone down and rest his hands against his temples again.

"Hey, don't listen to that." Drew quietly offers to his brother, pushing the drink closer to him. "You know you're the best. They always just get a little frustrated when they can't see the bigger picture until it's finished."

"Yeah, a little." Jonathan scoffs, pushing the wine glass away from him. "I'm not in the mood."

Jonathan finally looks up, Drew melts in his deep green eyes glaring across the room. Drew can tell he is hurt, knowing he is looking at everything around them, avoiding the contact of his own eyes.

Jonathan downs the glass of wine he slid across from himself earlier and stands up, cleaning off his plate and putting it away.

Drew carefully watches him, finally seeing his brother relax a little, and hopes that the rest of the evening can be less tense. Jonathan grabs a bottle of whiskey from their bar and downs a good amount, nearly finishing off what they have left of it. "Do you remember what you said in that interview yesterday." Jonathan asks his brother, not allowing it as a question, rather as a cold statement. He puts the whiskey back, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge and facing back to stand with his brother, now face to face with him.

"What do you mean?" Drew sighs, trying to plead with his twin to turn his mood around, not wanting to focus on anything else that could come between them at this point.

Jonathan scoffs, " you don't remember when you gave a tour of the house and told the reporter about how we sleep in separate rooms. How we're not even allowed to come in one another's." Jonathan says coldly, looking back at Drew with daggers in his warm eyes. Drew can see the hurt and confusion on his brothers face, realising just how much he's already had to deal with today, and then bring this back up.

"Jonathan, you know I didn't mean that. She was suspicious. I had to redirect her, you know how much all of this means, for our personal life to stay private and separate from our shows." Drew takes a step closer to his brother, trying to grab for his hips and slide him closer in. "I can only imagine what will be said at the Google interview this weekend for our book." He whispers into Jonathan's ear. "Fanfiction, if we're lucky." He gently kisses his jawline and laughs into his neck.

The master bed room wasn't shown in the tour of their house. In fact, the two rooms that were staged as their own are two of the guests rooms. They have a lot of traffic during shows that are shot in the area, generally having enough rooms in the house and space for the crew to stay, either with them or their parents.

"I'm sorry I'm snapping at you. This renovation is just really difficult. I'm so tired of everyone else feeling like they're the contractors here and not me. Telling me how to do my job, all the extra steps." Jonathan sighs, letting Drew pull him closer. "I missed you today. I didn't see you." He mumbles, hoping Drew will want to stay up for awhile and relax with him even though they have a long day of shooting tomorrow. Two shows, and an interview in the evening. Plus they have an early flight at the end of the week for their Google interviews, which means nights spent in uncomfortable hotel rooms and very little sleep, if any. They always get things booked so tight together when they have to leave the state, so they can accomplish so much in such a little time.

Drew leans in, pulling him as close as their bodies will allow, sculpting to one another. He runs his hands down the sides of his brothers body and bites on his lip, leaving Jonathan shivering with the release of finally having his twin there with him.

Jonathan pulls Drew closer, almost falling into him, completely exhausted and enveloped into his brothers arms, "let's go take a shower and find something to watch." Drew pulls Jonathan's chin up to plant another quick kiss on his lips, pulling his brother along with him up the stairs to the bathroom.

Every stair is another painful reminder to Jonathan that he has so much to finish tomorrow and each step he takes towards the bathroom puts another step in his head about the project. "That guy is such an asshole." He mutters, following suit of his brother towards the bathroom at the end of the hall.

"I know, but don't let it bother you. Soon this reno will be over and we will be on to bigger and better things. Surely with nicer people." He calmly says, hopeful that he is right, because he knows that Jonathan can't take much more. He always has the bulk of the work, and the weight of the projects on him. No wonder he is always at his end.

Jonathan sits on the edge of the bed, plopping his head back and resting his arms under his neck. He could fall asleep so easily right now if he wanted to. But he really needs to stay up and work on some designs for the house, some of the "finishing touches" that the couple has emailed him, adding to the list. "Are you good?" Drew questions, placing an uneasy hand on his brothers thigh, leaning down, towering over his face.

"Yeah." Jonathan sighs. "I just have so much to catch up on now. I'll have to stay up all night toying with these new designs and have to be there really early in the morning. I'm just worn out. I do this for a living. I shouldn't feel this way." He mumbles, arching his back and tossing his hands over his eyes, shielding them from his brothers wondering looks.

Jonathan is a little bit tipsy from the drinks he had earlier, but not enough to feel any better about the situation.

He feels his brothers warm hands travel closer into his thighs, hearing the bed creak as he uses it to get on his knees and feels him rest his head between his legs, face planted in the comforter. "This reno sucks." Drew mumbles, muffled by the bed. He takes a deep breath and brings his head back up to rest on his twins warm legs

Chapter 2

"I know just what you need." Drew says with a sly smirk on his face, peering up at his twin from between his thighs, eyes traveling up his chest. Drew pulls himself up to hover over his brother and adjusts his legs on either side of his twin's hips, gazing down at him. "How bad do you want me?" He mercilessly grins, grabbing a fistful of Jonathan's drywall covered flannel, drawing his lips closer to his face.

Jonathan can't help but melt under the dark stare that Drew is giving him, peering down, grasping his shirt so tightly that his knuckles are beginning to turn white. Just when Jonathan thought that this day was a definite drag down. He knows his brother is always going to be there for him, in more ways than he ever imagined. "Bad, please." Jonathan whines from under his grasp, from the weight of his body grinding down on him. He can't help it when Drew plays him like this, because his brother knows that when he can't have what he wants, he desires it more. Drew loves making his brother beg for him, and Jonathan grows evermore excitedly every time he has to wait for what is coming. "Please, Drew. I want you so ba-" Jonathan is cut off from his twin's mouth, grabbing down and biting hard on his lip, moaning into his brother's mouth. He runs his mouth, slowly along his lips, giving deep tender kisses, careful to keep watching. He loves when Jonathan squirms under him from his touch, head arching back against the bed, eyes closed with anticipation building. "God, yes. Mhmm." Jonathan groans, his brother tracing his lips down his cheek, his jawline. He runs his hands down his sides, pulling his shirt up to expose his bare skin. Jonathan's muscles ache even more from the cool air hitting his exhausted body and he grinds his teeth together, letting out a slow roll of breath between his locked jaws. "Give it to me, Drew." He begs as his brother continues to run his hands and mouth over his chest, looking up to meet his brother's glare only for a second before he continues to trail his mouth down his stomach to his jeans.

"You have to be patient, haven't you learned anything?" Drew chuckles, reaching to unbutton his jeans and slide them carefully down to his ankles, so Jonathan can successfully kick them off onto the floor where his wrinkled and dirty shirt is already piled and waiting. Jonathan knows that Drew will wash him carefully and slowly in the shower, cuddle with him in bed and watch Chopped, or something ridiculous that he loves watching and Drew can't stand, just to make him happy. He knows that even after he's asleep and warm and content, that Drew will grab all of his dirty clothes and wash them before coming to bed. He knows that he will go back and clean up the mess in the kitchen that Jonathan makes when he's so exhausted from coming home and working that all he can think about is something quick enough and a drink to dull the previous hours pain so that he can crawl into bed and manage to get an hour or two of sleep before he hauls back to the renovation site. Jonathan knows that his brother will do this for him, because he loves him.

So, Jonathan is patient, with his brother's touch and his games. Because he knows how Drew enjoys their evenings together. It is rare when they have time together during renovations, shows, flights, etc. He knows that being at home with his twin's touch and his full attention is something he should be patient with. He knows that this game of head now will follow with a blissful shower. That Drew will come back upstairs after cleaning and making some late business calls to producers and emails to interviews and hopeful homebuyers for the show, to cuddle into his brother's warmth while he sleeps and carefully weave himself into his body, trying to wake him and get his attention. That he will want to make him wake up, aroused, and begging to have sex from the touch of Drew. That he will fall back asleep in the arms of his finally equally exhausted brother and they will sleep until the morning draws them up for a quick shower before being dragged back into the hell of this renovation. Jonathan remembers how much he dreads going to the site in the morning and his face becomes less relaxed and content with his brother's touch and he feels Drew stop moving over him.

"I know that look." Drew sighs, pulling himself back up to look into Jonathan's eyes. Drew's eyebrows furrow and he leans down closer to his brother so their mouths are almost touching, Jonathan works at cramming the thoughts back because he hates to think of anything else besides Drew when he is this intimate with him. "Just relax." Drew mumbles, placing one quick sloppy kiss on his twin's lips and travels back down to his briefs. Drew pulls at the tight band with his teeth, grabbing Jonathan's hard cock over the fabric separating them from touching. Drew moans, a deep and intense feeling of pleasure washes over him as he feels his brother throb under his grip. "Please, touch me. I want more." Jonathan begs, grabbing for his underwear. He feels his hand restrained to his side, Drew grinning down at him. "You don't get to decide when it's time. Don't threaten me to make you wait longer." He chuckles, releasing his brothers hand, and going back to his work. He kisses Jonathan over the fabric and shivers, hearing the moans work out from his brother's mouth. Deep growls starting at the back of his throat and escaping every time Drew breathes more hot air onto Jonathan's hard cock. He can barely contain himself any longer, and Drew must know that he is getting more and more restless, because he swiftly pulls his briefs off and tosses them down into the pile with the rest of the clothes.

"I've been waiting all day for you." Drew smirks, slowly drawing his eyes up to meet his brother's desperate stare. He gently kisses his twin on either side of his warm thighs, gently grabbing his balls with one cupped hand, and holding the other under his thigh, careful to be too rough. He knows that Jonathan likes it when he's rough, but after today he just wants to give him something to relax to. Drew finally slides his brother's twitching hot cock in his mouth, already feeling the precum on his tongue as he lets it dance against his brother's skin. He gently slides his fingers against Jonathan's thigh and back to his ass, feeling him arch against his touch, watching his body beg for more. He carefully inserts a finger into him, running his mouth hot down the full length of his cock over and over, making sure Jonathan is getting what he wants. He works his finger against his brother's grinding, begging and ready for more. "God, fuck, please. Yes, Drew, yes." Jonathan is barely able to get the words out of his mouth at the expense of the work his brother's mouth is doing on him. Jonathan places his hands in either side of Drew's head and pushes him downwards onto himself more. Drew loves it when Jonathan has to force him to be more rough. He knows that his brother can barely contain himself without his touch. Drew adds a second finger, slipping his mouth off of his cock and biting down on his thigh. Drew can feel his own skin brushing up tight against his slacks, his cock throbbing so hard he can barely keep the pulsing in his head drowned out, making his eyes weak and his body hungry for more.

Drew carefully laughs, nervously, looking up at his brother. He keeps his hands moving so that his fingers are in sync with Jonathan's grinding body. "I can't wait. I was going to wait, but I can't do it." Drew exclaims, pulling his fingers out from his prepared twin. He is met with the same running thoughts from his brother, when Jonathan quickly leans up, unbuttoning the dress shirt his brother is in, throwing tie, shirt and undershirt all on the floor as hastily as he can. "If you're too tired, we can wait. I don't have to." Drew suggests, facing his brother.

"Shut up." Jonathan rolls his eyes, pulling Drew closer in for a kiss. "I'm never too tired for my time with you." He mumbles into his mouth, grabbing for his slacks and popping the button undone and quickly sliding them off. Drew topples over his brother again, grinding his briefs against Jonathan's hot bare skin, his cock begging to release from all the pressure and teasing. Drew can't say he already doesn't feel the same tension in his own body.

Drew quickly pulls off his own briefs, leaning down for one more quick kiss on Jonathan's neck, hot air makes Jonathan shiver again against his brothers touch. "I love you so much. You know that right." Jonathan's face becomes a deep red, shying away from his brothers fleeting glance as he waits for his comment. Drew pulls Jonathan's face up to look at his by the chin, cupping his jaw. "It's okay." Drew smiles, placing another kiss on his lips. Drew knows how Jonathan feels about talking about love with his brother. He knows that he loves him just as much, but he's always so hesitant to say it when they're having sex. He always assumed that it's connected to the act and not his real emotions, so most of the time Drew just assumed he knows he's being honest and takes the fact alone that he knows Jonathan loves him even if he doesn't say it back often during these times. Jonathan is much more reserved about showing his emotions, especially after how rough it was for Jonathan in his childhood. He's never came right out and said it, but Drew knows. Regardless, Drew can feel his brothers love radiate from him, and that's enough.

"Spit." Drew demands, holding his hand out for Jonathan to take, and he does as he's told. Drew grabs his hard, throbbing cock, running his hand with Jonathan's saliva down it and gently thrusts into Jonathan. "Goddamnit, you feel so fucking good." Jonathan groans, pumping his body to meet the rhythm of his twin, begging for more. Drew continues to thrust harder and harder as Jonathan moans with pleasure while he grinds his body back against Drew's. Drew slides his free hand that isn't helping to balance between his brothers legs and smoothly runs his hand against Jonathan's hard needy cock. He can feel the anticipation building, knowing that Jonathan has had so much foreplay that he can barely contain himself. Drew's thrusting with his hand sliding against Jonathan won't let the him last much longer under the pressure. Drew doesn't think he can last much longer himself at how tight and perfect Jonathan feels under him.

"God Drew, harder, please. Make me come, I'm so close." Jonathan pants, his brother sliding his hand against his shaft quicker and quicker, pounding harder into him. His own eyes are becoming steadily more heavier with the weight of his own orgasm quick approaching. "Fuck Drew, I'm gonna come, I'm coming." Jonathan grabs the comforter around him, gripping fists of whatever he can reach. He throws his head back, spilling warm all down his brothers quick moving hand, down onto his stomach. Drew can barely continue to thrust after watching the pleasure he entertained on his brother, working in harder and harder each time he slams into Jonathan. "Fuck, fuck, Jonathan." He moans, slamming into him a final time, thighs shaking hard from the instant release he feels, soaking up the bliss from the orgasm. Drew slowly pulls out from his brother and lazily hovers over him, licking what Jonathan left for him on his stomach snd twitching cock. "You're always so good." Drew exclaims, sheepishly biting down on his lip, giving his brother a look of lust and hunger. Jonathan pulls his brother down for a sloppy, exhausted kiss before Drew slides off the side of the bed and drags Jonathan behind him towards the shower.

Jonathan is so exhausted, he could fall asleep right now, but Drew turns the steaming water on and Jonathan is instantly enveloped with the warm droplets of water hitting him as his brother adjusts the shower temperature just right. "Come on, I'll wash you." Drew motions for his twin to step into the shower, under the hot stream of water and Jonathan is instantly in heaven. He keeps his eyes closed and focuses on staying awake as Drew hums, massaging shampoo and working it into his hair. He is concerned when Drew stops, but is again relieved when he runs the sponge all over his body with soap, careful to relax every sore muscle that had to deal with the crazy couple on the renovation today.

After Drew finishes washing Jonathan off, he washes himself and dries them both off, padding warm and clean feet towards the bedroom again so he can find them something comfortable to get into. Though they haven't ever discussed it, neither one of them is particular to sleeping without clothes on, even together. Drew slides on some warm flannel sleeping pants and a shirt and hands Jonathan some shorts and a t-shirt as well to throw on while Drew searches the channels to find the chopped marathon Jonathan is so obsessed with every night they get together. Drew is the cold blooded one, it seems, and Jonathan is always so hot when he sleeps, so he can barely keep shorts on, let alone flannel pants to keep him warmer. Drew secretly thinks that Jonathan assumes he will pick up more recipes to make for him, since Drew is the cook of the two, and thinks about teasing him about it, but doesn't. He sees how's relaxed and calm Jonathan finally is, heading towards the bed to greet Drew who has successful found the right channel and pulled back the comforter enough for Jonathan to cuddle up close to him.

Jonathan snuggles up next to his brother, Drew throwing an arm over him. He knows he should be working on the stuff he needs to take to the site tomorrow, but he just wants to relax and enjoy his brother's presence while he falls asleep. He knows that Drew will get up after he falls asleep and work on some stuff for him while he's checking emails and whatnot. Drew is always there to catch the remainder of what Jonathan doesn't get done in a day, and he is so thankful that his brother is there for him when he can't be there for himself. Jonathan tries to stay awake while they're starting the dessert round on this episode, because he doesn't think he has seen it before, but Drew's hand rubbing circles in his hair softly is becoming too much to keep his heavy eyes open. "I do love you, Drew. More than you could ever imagine." Jonathan mumbles into his brother's side, quickly drifting off between powdered sugar, raw shrimp, and the quiet chuckle of his brother as he realizes that he was finally answering him back from earlier. And no; Drew thinks, as he begins to open his laptop to work on emailing, you don't love me more than I could ever imagine, because my love for you is unmeasurable.

[bluestringss]

I'm writing this at around 2am, almost 3. I couldn't sleep. I'm in a stranger's condominium unit with my relatives. It was supposed to be a staycation and a treat for my aunt and uncle. I'm just a plus one. Not actually writing about this.

For the last three months, I have been working on our book series--proofreading, counter checking, and all the necessities for textbook creation. Honestly, not all that. I've been only doing what I have been doing for that last four years in the job. Except, I have more responsibilities now. Being a Production Editor made so much difference. I still feel like an Editorial Assistant. I miss being an EA but I like being a PE.

Since last October, I have been seriously talking about leaving my current job and look for a higher paying one. I have financial obligations. But somehow, I couldn't bring myself to look for a full-time job (been searching for part-time ones every now and then). I always give excuses which makes me think, "Do I love my job?".

Scrolling through my Instagram Stories Archive, I found my answer. I had posted the screenshot below on my IG Story.

I grew up with barely knowing what I like. I have a strong opinion on my dislikes but I can't really say what I like out loud.

2018 happened. I switched jobs for my sanity. The current job gradually became my comfort zone. My colleagues and bosses let me adjust in my pace. I don't know if they knew. But I was in a bad shape mentally and emotionally. It took me a while to adjust but I did.

The thing is working on a publishing house has been my dream job (but I never said it out loud because I was scared). Being accepted into one was an answered (unspoken) prayer. I didn't know what it'll be doing. But I was eager to learn.

Three years into the job, my immediate boss left and I got promoted with her and our supervisor's recommendation. I guess I was fit enough for the title of a Production Editor.

Working on a publishing house is time-consuming, especially during printing and reprinting season. It is overwhelming, stressful, and draining. This has been what I have been feeling for a few weeks now. Two months ago I was still going out and catching up with friends in between deadlines. But right now, I felt like I have to reserve all my energy for my deadlines. I also have to work on weekends.

This brings me back to what late actor Kim Joohyuk said on one episode of 2 Days and 1 Night Season 3. If you're doing something you like, despite the exhaustion, it'll be hard for you to quit.

I don't think I'll quit anytime soon although I keep saying this to my friends. For the first time, I found something that I really love. It's hard to let this go.

But I'm scared that if I stay longer, I'm letting opportunities go because I chose to stay in my comfort zone. I'm worried that I should be doing something else that could really help me be contented, I wasn't just looking. I'm worried that I'm wasting my life in this job. But really though, how stable is it outside of this job?

Also, I am well-aware my English is not really good. How am I still on this job? I'm good at pretending (and I work really hard). But I'm working on it so when the time of me leaving this job comes, I'm prepared and confident

It's 3:30 am and I'm still wide awake. Is my insomnia back?

[mediocremom01]

Breastfailing

I originally wanted to wait to write this post as I wanted a successful breast feeding journey. BUT here I am, and I think I've officially had enough. I am all for ‘fed is best’ and whatever you feed your baby I'm proud of you for giving them what they need and to grow and be strong. HOWEVER, I don’t give myself the same standards. Before having a baby I had the mindset of ‘I’m going to try to breast feed but if I can’t its no big deal, I'll feed him formula’ Literally the first night of having my baby, I was 100% invested in breast feeding. I have a LONG and emotional breast feeding journey. Here is how mine and my sons journey went with breast feeding. Prepare... it’s a LONG post

First hour: Not latching, Nurses throw nipple shield at me. I get my son to have WHATEVER colostrum I have, who knows if its enough, but he seemed content for the first two days. He would only use a nipple shield from here on out- will explain more later. Also the nurses were AGGRESSIVE and awful with helping me. When I say aggressive I mean shoving my sons face in my boob with his mouth closed and SQUEEZING my boob.

Day three noon: Didn’t have enough wet diapers and about to be discharged early after a c-section thanks to COVID. Babies at this point have the same number of wet diapers as they are old... so he should have had three. My husband and I questioned his output and we were pushed aside. I also reached out to the nurses because it was taking my son an hour to eat colostrum... Babies at this age have TINY stomachs and it should not take long to fill him up. No lactation consult was given to me at any point even when we asked

Day three midnight: My son was hysterical. Every time I tried to breast feed him (with the nipple shield) he would suck a few times then pass out, which you think “oh he’s “milk drunk”” but not even 5 minutes later he woke up screaming and hungry. This went on until 4am when I finally broke down hysterically crying and my husband took him and fed him formula which he gulped down in seconds then passed out for 4 hours. I was devastated. Devastated that I clearly just starved my son and that I didn’t do what he needed from me most which brings in a lot of guilt.

Day four: we go see a lactation consultant and she said my colostrum isn’t enough for him and to supplement until my milk comes in. He lost 10% birth weight and needed to come back in a few days.

Day six: follow up with lactation consultant. My milk finally comes in and she gives me three days to come back for a weight check and weighted feed. I feel good at this point thinking that now my milk is in I can give my baby what he needs. He starts to eat my milk but is still taking over an hour to eat but at this point he falls asleep and sleeps for a good few hours. I’m feeling like a giant weight has lifted off my shoulders and the guilt fades now that I can feed my baby.

Day nine: go in for a weighted feed but I screwed up and fed him right before the car ride. He was hysterical and hungry i couldn’t starve him just for a “weighted feed”, so I did what I thought was best. We see the consultant and she’s happy with his weight gain.

From here until our two week check up something changes. His naps are no longer for two to three hours they’re more like an hour. He’s feeding close to two hours. I felt like I couldn’t keep him off my boob but when I googled or spoke to any mom friends it was normal and known as cluster feeding. That he was trying to get my milk to increase so he would have enough as he got older. This cluster feeding started to be all day and night.

Two week check up: his doctor says that his weight is a slow gain but once he hits his birth weight it should sky rocket. His diaper output is perfect. I mention the “cluster feeding” she says it’s normal and should subside soon. He’s still using the nipple shield. I mention to her how he looks yellow and she said his bilirubin levels have decreased since birth he’s fine. I feel good but still questioning why he’s at my breast for so long.

3 weeks old: I scheduled a new lactation consultant because I felt the cluster feeding was too often to be all day every day. He also was still eating 2-3 hours at a time before taking a nap and sometimes he wouldn’t even nap he would sleep at my breast, I would try to move him then he would wake up and want to eat again. This consult was over zoom thanks to covid :( she looked at his latch and I brought up all concerns and she blamed the slow eating on the breast sheild and recommended breast compressions and massage while he’s active on the breast. I did what she said and it seemed to help a little but not much, she just kept pressing trying to get him off the nipple shield.

4 weeks old: I call the doctor because his jaundice isn’t getting better and they argued with me for awhile but because he was slow weight gain they said okay. While we were there he only gained a few oz... doctor said that we had to do another weight check in two weeks. While I was there his bilirubin stayed the same, doctor claimed it was breast milk jaundice and it could take weeks to get out of his system. The levels weren’t harmful but noticeable in his skin and eyes.

5 weeks old: I schedule a different lactation consultant but this time someone who could meet me in person. We do a weighted feed and evaluation. 1 hour prior to the visit he was hysterical so I fed him expressed breast milk via bottle and he had 1oz. While she was there He took in 1.5oz. She said that because he took 1oz prior to the appointment and 1.5oz now he was getting enough and I was producing adequately. She saw a tongue and lip tie and told us to have his pediatrician look at it to be released. She said it could be the reasoning as to why he needs the nipple tie and isnt sucking as efficiently.

6 weeks old: his pediatrician says there are no ties and his suck is fine. We discuss his slow weight gain once again. I express my concern about him eating all day and not napping. Like seriously eating all day. The moment I get up to the moment I go to bed he’s just connected to my boob and not sleeping. He cries every time I unlatch him, I’m barely eating and drinking at this point because I don’t have time to go to the bathroom and I don’t have time to eat or have hands to eat.

7 weeks: I get a second opinion with a pediatric dentist. He says both tongue and lip ties are grade three and we discuss the complications of them. I pay OOP to get them released. He said that it would take time but he should start to eat efficiently.

8 weeks: I’m able to feed him 70/30 with nipple shield and without it. Which is an amazing start from someone that had to use it EVERY time. He still is eating all day and not napping. At this point I’m getting REALLY exhausted. Guilt and frustration fill me every time I feed him. “I wish you could just eat better” “I’m sorry I cant have the nipples that make it easier for you” “is my supply even there?” “Come on baby boy, stay active I know you’re hungry”. We go to his 2 month check up and see a new pediatrician. He states that his weight is in the 9th percentile and has only gained 6oz in 3 weeks. At this point he should be gaining more and he recommends I start supplementing with breast. We also find out that he has a severe dairy allergy which has been causing his rash issues, green mucus poops, bad gas and severe reflux. I need to cut diary out of my diet and buy dairy free formula.

9 weeks: I decide to pump and bottle feed with formula. I’m only pumping 1-2 oz at a time total which CLEARLY shows I don’t have a good milk supply. At this point I can’t get dairy out of my breast milk fast enough for him. His reflux and gas are so bad he’s spitting up half an oz per oz. I’m advices to take a break from breast feeding and just formula feed to heal him.

9 weeks and 6 days: I’ve officially thrown in the towel. I’m so exhausted and it’s taking a huge toll on my mental health. I’m no longer a happy mommy. Yesterday we the first night I didn’t nurse him to sleep. It was heart breaking for me. I feel so much failure, sadness, and guilt. Why couldn’t my breasts provide you what you need. I gave breast feeding my everything. I’ve consumed so many different lactation products, power pumping, kept you at the breast every hour and every day since I had you. My breast milk was causing you so much pain internally and you were so hungry that I couldn’t ever satisfy. I feel so selfish that I carried on this journey when we had issues from the start. I feel inadequate and that I didn’t try harder. Maybe if I weren’t a single mom I’d have more energy to push through and make my breast milk dairy free but you don’t like to be put down ever so it makes pumping so hard. I’m sorry little man, I have it my all. At least this formula will fill you up and won’t give you tummy issues

I’m repeatedly saying “I’m a good mom” today because I don’t feel like one. One day this will be a memory and I don’t want it to be a negative one. Trying to find the good when I’m crushed our breast feeding journey has been a complete failure. But you’re with me now taking a nap on me which was never a thing before. So I’m going to soak in these snuggles.