#(i think she gave him to me on christmas when i was about 7 years old and i still love him very much <3)< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[maudlain]

pink bunny club

[megalony]

My Squad

This is a dad! Evan Buckley imagine I am thinking of turning into a series if anyone would be interested in reading it. Any feedback or ideas are always lovely.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem@butlegendsneverdie@langdonzvoid@jennyggggrrr@rogmeddows@radiob-l-a-hblah@rogertaylorsbitontheside@chlobo6@rogertaylors-lipgloss@sj-thefanthefan@omgitsearly@luckytrashgooprebel@scarsout@deaky-with-a-c@killer-queen-ofrhye@bluutac@vousmemanqueez-blog@jonesyaddiction@milanosaurus@httpfandxms@saint-hardy@7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls@mrsalwayswritex @rogerina-owns-me  @hellsdragon@im-an-adult-ish@crazylittlethingg@allauraleigh@onceuponadetectivedemigod@ceres27@avyannadawn@noonenuts@sleepylunarwolf@coverupps@justagirlthatlovedtoread @musicistheway

911 Masterlist

Summary: Evan hasn't been with the team long and has kept his family a secret, but now he is ready for the team to meet his daughters. All of them.

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Evan loved his job.

Out of all the other odd jobs, random placements and painful experiences he had worked at throughout the years, being a fireman was his calling. It was the one job he felt so at home and eager to do and proud of. And it was the first time he had felt like his colleagues were his family.

But despite feeling like the team were his family, Evan made a quick decision not to tell them about the family he had waiting for him at home when he clocked out each shift.

There were different reasons he didn't tell the team. They all knew he was married, that was something Evan had to disclose in his interview since (Y/n) was his emergency contact so if something happened, she would be able to find him at the hospital if a situation ever arose. But he didn't tell them the rest.

Hen thought of him as a playboy, she'd made that clear from the start and maybe that was just due to the impression Evan gave off. He looked carefree and he was daring and hot headed and passionate when he did his job, his attitude was loving but not exactly the image of a family man. So Hen didn't think Evan was 'dad material' and he didn't take it to heart, he knew looks could be deceiving.

Chimney seemed to think Evan was putting up a front, he was always commenting on how if Evan had a wife waiting at home- he had never met (Y/n) so was slightly sceptical if Evan actually was married or not- he could be so daring in the job. He was first to climb the ladder or run into a burning building.

He didn't understand that it was in Evan's nature to be quick thinking and push forward and do whatever he could to help and think of the consequences afterwards. And at the front of Evan's mind was always his family, he didn't rush into things without considering them. Chimney didn't know this, he didn't see it.

For Bobby, Evan got the impression his captain thought he was young and quite like a puppy, still finding his way in life and working out what he was doing. Bobby thought of Evan as his kid, he thought of him as younger than he really was.

And Eddie, he was still the newbie to the team. He was working them all out and getting into their way of things and getting to know them. Evan didn't give the same 'dad vibes' as Eddie.

No one knew about his children.

He did hint, once or twice, about who he was going home to and what he had hidden behind closed doors. But Evan didn't want to rush into things when this was the best job he'd had and the best people to work with. Evan wasn't good with change and if they knew about his family, dynamics would change. He hadn't brought his family or even (Y/n) to the Christmas party last year.

It had been the first event Evan had been to since he joined the team and he was too anxious about telling them he had a family to actually break the news and bring them along. His family was his everything and he liked having a little secret at home to come back to.

He was ready now.

He was ready for the team to meet his family because he was tired of being questioned if his wife was real or just imaginary. He was tired or the team calling him a daredevil with no conscience and no rationality or consequences. If this was going to be his team and his family for the foreseeable future, he could let them into his world and let them see what he was always fighting for.

"Why aren't you asleep?"

Evan tilted his head down to the right when (Y/n)'s voice, laced with sleep, broke him out of his thoughts and changed the quiet atmosphere surrounding them. It dawned on him then that while he'd been laid on his back with his left arm behind his head, his fingers had been tapping on the headboard.

It was an old habit he couldn't break when he was deep in thought or anxious about something. It had been so automatic that he didn't even hear or feel his knuckles rapping on the wood until now.

"Sorry, just thinking," He tightened his right arm around (Y/n)'s waist, smiling to himself when he felt her move against him. Her arm crept higher over his chest until her hand was curled around his tense shoulder and her upper chest was laid over his. She nuzzled her face against his other shoulder she was laid on and pressed a butterfly kiss against his collar bone that made him shiver.

"About what?" (Y/n) feathered her fingers over his shoulder as she breathed in his scent.

She could feel his heartbeat beneath her ear and the way it pulsed through her skin like a steady drum, trying to coax her back into slumber again. Whenever Evan did a night shift, (Y/n) couldn't sleep. She was too used to laying on top of him and hearing his heartbeat lull her to sleep.

"Introducing you and the girls to the team."

"Is that what you want?" (Y/n) could feel herself waking up a little when it registered what he had said. She knew how important his family and his work family were to Evan and how he wanted them separate for the time being. But if he was ready to introduce them all, (Y/n) wasn't going to say no.

It would be lovely to put faces to the names of the people he had been telling her about. The people that kept her husband safe for her while he was at work. The people who he risked his life for and who, in turn, risked their lives for him.

"Yeah, I want them to meet you all." He reeled her into his side and pressed a sloppy kiss to her temple, unable to stop from smiling against her skin.

Maybe it was time to introduce them.

***

"Stay close girls, I don't want you wandering round here." (Y/n) eyed two of her girls closely and tilted her head at them so they knew she was being serious. The last thing she wanted was to lose the girls at the station and then an alarm go off and chaos ensued.

They had to stay close and within her sights so no trouble was caused, this was the first time the girls would see their dad at work.

It wasn't supposed to be today, but plans had changed.

"I want daddy," Ella bit her thumb, her big blue eyes doing a wide sweep of the station that looked as big as her whole school, playground included. She couldn't see her dad anywhere and she had been crying for him for the last hour. The little girl was getting restless.

"We're gonna find him now." Reaching down, (Y/n) brushed Ella's hair behind her ear before she juggled Cora a little higher on her hip. She didn't have time to struggle getting the pushchair into the car when she had to go and pick the girls up from school and now she was regretting it. She had to carry Cora around with her, lest she wanted to set her down on the floor and watch her crawl around the station and drool everywhere.

"Hi, can I help you?" Chimney stuffed his hands into his pockets, smiling brightly at the four girls he saw walking past the truck, clearly lost in the station.

"Hi… is Evan around? Is it okay if we see him?" (Y/n) smiled nervously and did another double take of the station. She could hear voices coming from the loft upstairs but she couldn't see who was up there.

"Sure, he's just upstairs… you must be Maddie, I'm Howie, but everyone calls me Chimney."

(Y/n) felt her smile melt into a more comfortable one as she walked over to him, making sure Angel and Ella were right behind her as Chimney guided them over towards the stairs. Evan had told the team he had a big sister then, at least he had opened up to them a little. (Y/n) knew he told them he was married, it was the girls he hadn't said anything about.

He didn't mention he had three of them.

"Hey Chim… do we have guests for dinner?" Bobby moved the large dish of pasta into the centre of the table before he pulled back and placed his hands on his hips. His smile was warm and inviting as he looked over the troop of girls who were stood beside chimney.

No one mentioned having family or guests popping by the station today, not that it really mattered. Anyone was welcome as long as it wasn't an inspection day or the bell didn't go off unannounced and ruin things. The station was warm and friendly, they wanted family to feel safe and comfortable coming here and being around the team.

"I think we do, this is-"

"(Y/n)?" Evan almost dropped the bottle of water he just got out the fridge when he turned around and clocked his gaze on his wife.

What was she doing here? Why did she have the girls with her? They should be at school right now.

"Surprise," She bounced Cora on her hip who gurgled, content at pulling the necklace tight in her fist and try to shove it into her mouth.

"Wait, (Y/n)?" Chimney pulled his hands from his pockets and turned at an angle to look at the woman stood beside him. She didn't correct him when he assumed she was Buck's sister Maddie. She didn't say her name or even say anything. This couldn't be the girl Buck was always telling them about, the girl Chimney had been very sure didn't actually exist. She was as beautiful as Buck always boasted.

"Daddy!" Ella could of cried when her blurry eyes finally set on the one person she had been crying out for during the past hour or so.

She pulled away from her big sister and bolted past the large table, bypassed Bobby who seemed to be in her way and made a beeline towards Evan, almost knocking him down with her force. She barelled into his arms, narrowly missing his legs when he lifted her up so she didn't rugby-tackle him down into the fridge behind him.

He lifted her up and swung her round in the air, a bright smile painting his face as he lowered her back down and snuggled her into his chest. His arms pinned her against his chest and he smothered her temple with kisses to feel her squirm and wriggle against him.

"Hi baby! Why aren't you at school?" Evan's voice was a notch higher than normal and full of surprise as he rubbed his cheek against the top of her head and shimmied side to side with his middle girl.

"Hi daddy,"

"Hi sweetie," Evan cooed back and raised his free hand to his temple before he slowly stretched his arm out in the sign for hello.

He grinned broadly when Angel trotted over and wrapped her arms around his legs, burrowing into him to get some of his attention since she was here too. She was the eldest, after all, she was the one who Evan always called his 'little angel' and not just because it was her name. She was his first born, then Ella was his middle girl who was his little double, and Cora was his youngest baby.

"Buck, care to introduce us?" Bobby clamped one hand down on his hip and reached the other out to lean against the kitchen counter.

He rose his brows and quirked a smile as Chimney stood flabbergasted, Hen sat at the table with an open mouth and shock written on her face.

And Eddie did well to hide his surprise as he made a beeline for (Y/n) and the toddler in her arms.

"Guys, this is (Y/n)," Evan pointed over to his wife who he slowly shuffled towards with Angel still clinging to his legs. "This is my eldest, Angel, then there's Ella here," He bounced her on his hip but she hid her face in his neck, too shy to look around. "And the youngest there is Cora; meet my squad."

All of them could see Evan had a proud smile, bright shining eyes and a deep chuckle hiding in his chest. These were his girls, his squad of ladies and he was proud and cherished each of them. He had his wife and three special girls to show off and now the team could see that he wasn't the reckless person they all thought he was. He was a proud dad to three girls.

"Girls, this is my captain Bobby… that's Hen, Chimney you've seen, and this is my pal Eddie."

"You didn't mention anything about this. Where have you been hiding them?" Hen spoke around her cup of coffee but she was too shocked to take another sip.

Buck; their nutter Buck was a dad. He had three children hidden away that they had no idea about.

"You don't waste much time, do you Buck?" Eddie smirked, letting his eyes drift between his friend and (Y/n) until the rest of the team looked over and it clicked in.

She was pregnant.

"I told you, this is my squad."

(Y/n) rolled her eyes but her smile gave away the slight blush and embarrassment she felt. This was exactly what they both had been expecting when the team realised that Evan wasn't even thirty yet and he already had three children, soon to become four.

Her gaze turned back to Eddie who was tickling Cora and she happily handed her toddler over when he muttered a kind 'may I?'. He moved to sit down at the table with Cora on his lap, bouncing her up and down and entertaining her like a champion.

"Now why aren't you at school?" Evan looked back down at Ella and gently brushed his thumb against her cheek to try and get her to talk to him but she stayed quiet and instead buried her face more into his neck to hide herself away.

Looking down at his eldest girl, Evan adjusted Ella a bit higher in his arms so he could raise his hands out in front of him with Ella in the crook of his elbow. He raised his left palm up and pressed his right palm down like he was making a funny clap, doing the sign language for school while he simultaneously whispered 'no school' at her. He was the one who had dropped them both off at school this morning and he knew they shouldn't have left early today which begged the question, why were they here now at lunch time?

The seven-year-old looked up at him with her doe eyes and then looked across at her mum instead.

"They gave out cookies at school but no one mentioned they had milk in them."

"Lactose intolerant?" Hen muttered quietly but she pursed her lips and realised she had to be wrong when she saw Evan's reaction. He quickly pulled Ella back and cupped her face in his palm to look down at her and examine her like he'd been told she had been shot. His fingertips skimmed across her face before going to examine her neck which made the little girl pull back with a whine.

He could see it now. He could see the dried tears staining her cheeks and the redness all around her eyes and the blotches across her cheeks and down her neck.

"Ella's allergic to milk," (Y/n) tried to smile but it was hard after the argument she'd just had with the school.

There was a laminated piece of paper in Ella's school bag that listed off her allergies and it was on her record and written down in reception and the classroom cupboard. No one could miss it or forget or not realise she had allergies. At home there was a big sticker that said 'Allergies: MILK' in bright brick red letters at the top so if anyone came round, they knew what they couldn't give to one of the girls. Then below that it listed her other allergies such as honey, lavender and plasters.

They had a section in the cupboard filled with all the biscuits and snacks Ella would eat which didn't contain milk.

Lavender brought Ella out in bright red splotches that itched and burned like she had been touched by a red hot poker. Plasters were less dramatic, they were irritating to her skin and slowly started to feel like they burned. Honey was hit and miss, it either made her chest burn and her skin blotch or she had a worse reaction and couldn't breathe.

But milk was the main allergy, anytime Ella had milk she went into anaphalactic shock. Her throat would swell and close up, her chest would ache and burn and she had to have one if not two shots of adrenaline from her EpiPen to stop the reaction.

When Ella was a baby, her allergy was less serious, they had to buy special baby powder that she could take. But as soon as she was a toddler and they tried any other form of milk, they had to take a drive down to A&E or call an ambulance.

"Did they use your EpiPen?" Evan spoke quietly, his brows still furrowed and his lips still held in a deep frown as he looked down at his daughter. He started to relax a little when Ella leaned into the palm of his hand and nuzzled her nose against his wrist making him feel more at ease but he still frowned when she nodded. She looked as if she was about to cry again but when she curled her arms around Evan's neck and he kissed her cheek, she seemed to calm down a bit more.

"I didn't know daddy, I only had one bite,"

"It's not your fault baby," He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and tightened his arms round her when she leaned her cheek on his shoulder.

The school had a list of Ella's allergies and they had two EpiPens, one in the classroom and one in the reception as a back up. She took her own pack up to school so there was no risk of anything being contaminated with milk but they should double check before they give her anything. (Y/n) had told them under no circumstances to give Ella anything that wasn't in a packet, especially cake when children brought in their birthday cake that didn't have a list of ingredients. It wasn't worth the risk when Ella had such a high allergy.

At least she was okay this time, Evan had been called before from the school saying she had two EpiPens administered and they called an ambulance as protocol.

(Y/n) got the phone call but they had been quick giving Ella her dose of adrenaline and she calmed down, started to breathe and talk just fine and when (Y/n) rushed down and checked her over, there was no need for an ambulance. But Ella was in a state and she didn't want to stay and to make things easier, she had collected Angel early as well so she didn't have to go back in a few hours and pick her up later.

The plan had been to take the girls home but Ella had cried as soon as she got in the car, demanding to see her dad. It was routine after any allergic reaction that Ella saw Evan and got comforted by him and today was no different, she wasn't going home without seeing her daddy.

"Would you like to stay for dinner?"

"Is that okay?" (Y/n) looked between Bobby and Evan, double checking that it would be okay for the girls to stay, none of them had had anything to eat yet other than a partial cookie that caused today's chaos.

"Of course! We have to get to know you all now anyway," Hen waved for them all to sit down around the table. It was the routine to eat dinner together as a family and now, finally, they could meet Buck's family and get to know them. They were going to be part of the 118 either way so they should stay.

Evan leaned over Eddie so he could give Cora a quick kiss, he hadn't seen his one year old yet who Eddie gently handed back to (Y/n). And Evan kissed (Y/n)'s temple before he moved and took a seat next to (Y/n) with Ella on his lap since she was attached to him at the moment. Angel moved to sit between Evan and Chimney while Bobby sat at the other end of the table.

A fondness washed over Bobby when he looked at Evan suddenly interacting with Angel.

He held his hands out in front of him and curled all fingers but his pinkies into his palm and made a circular motion with his hands before pulling his arms back at his sides like repelling magnets.

"Pasta for lunch sweetie," He spoke slow and clear and repeated the sign for pasta until Angel nodded and grinned. It was one of her favourites.

"What's the sign for hello?" Chimney looked over Angel at Evan who was sat on her other side but his eyes widened when Angel looked up at him and placed her hand to her head and did a salute. Hello was an easy sign, a simple gesture that many mistook for an army salute.

"She can read your lips if you speak clear, sign is just easier for her, we're working on pronouncing," Evan kissed her temple when she leaned into his arm, looking up at him with adoration in her eyes as she watched him explain.

Angel could speak but her pronouncing was a little bad at the moment, she could barely hear anyone or hear herself speak and it made her self conscious. Sign language was easier and calming for her because no one could make fun of how she said things and she could sign much faster than she could lip read or speak.

"Oh, right."

"Daddy…" Ella looked up at him with bashful eyes when he plated up Angel and himself a bowl of pasta, knowing Ella would share with him.

"No milk baby, I saw Bobby make it. You'll be fine." He winked down at her and took a mouthful before he stabbed another forkful and held it down towards her. He leaned his cheek against the top of her head to keep her calm and when she took a cautious bite, she grinned.

Evan went to take another mouthful but his jaw dropped and he gasped when Ella reached both her small hands up and grabbed his wrist to pull the fork down to her instead. She giggled when Evan tipped his head back and groaned but everyone else started to laugh.

"My daughters like your cooking, Cap." Evan gave up and handed Ella the fork so she could eat first, he knew he wasn't going to get very much now until she was finished. And he leaned over to the left and kissed Angel's forehead, rubbing his free hand up and down her back.

"I'm glad to hear it, that means they can all come by more often."

[notedchampagne]

Bro the 6th familial relationships fuck me up so much like the weird Juno and Pal more of a mentor than a mother vibes? And it seems like from Dr Sex that her and Pal's dad are either divorced or just straight up had nothing to do with each other until the genomics department decided they should have a child together?? Like imagine you're a ruthless academic career-woman and one day you get an email from the government like 'congrats! You're a mother!' And they hand you a fresh vat baby that is half you and half your co-worker that you talked to one time at the Christmas party like??? I don't think I would have the most healthy relationship with that child either tbh

And Cam! Earlier in Nona when Pal and Pyrrha are talking about going to the park it is only Kiki that he mentions she might want to save, no mention that apparently both her parents are there too? Her entire family is on the line here. Then she doesn't want her dads to see the Paul transformation because they "wouldn't understand"? You just know there's some long running disagreement there with how far she's yoking herself in with Pal. Do you think they secretly resent him? Did this cause a rift in their family? And what did the conversation look like before or after the transformation? Did Cam tell them she was about to die? Or did they turn away for five seconds and she finally killed herself for her obsessions behind their back? Who broke the news to them? (Who is going to break the news to Pal's dad?) The whole thing just makes me insane!!!!

Also apparently there is some incredible nepotism going on in the 6th oversight body here (or maybe everything is nepotism on the 6th lol)

YOU GET ME i love the 6th house so so much the way the house functions both as a united family w their genetics & a university with the academic quibbling is so fun to me- the sixths weakness was described as "A sprawling organization of erratic loners, the Sixth are chaotic by nature and terrible at collective action." which is 1) hilarious. palamedes is the peoples marxist princess 2) just generally fascinating as a whole. if we take that at face value and consider the 6th house as populated by genius loner nerds, it actually makes sense that they prioritize sending out attractive people to diversify the gene pool - with reference to your statement: dr sex provided a nice handful of evidence that while palamedes and juno have a formal dynamic, theyre affectionate enough that they seem close (at most, to the extent of some gay kid and their favorite english teacher) but seeing juno like a distant mentor is most likely right

taking on more quotes from dr sex, i think its most likely that the Sixth house encourages child bearing / raising through subsidies and an extended work leave of sorts:

Palamedes said, “Enjoying parenting. Enjoying the parenting buyout, I should say. He’s only doing dissertation supervision—and half a year of Immediate History, of course—but he’s got his own projects on the go.”

alexandrites and nireids might be required to go offworld to flirt and have children (i think i came across another post floating somewhere noticing kiki and cam were half-sisters, implying their parent was one of the mentioned) but for residents staying in the sixth house, they probably have about 3-7 other people they could possibly produce children with outside of consanguinity. although forcing them to have children by way of vat birth etc etc is entirely possible in Hell Empire a lot of them probably gave in just for a few years of parental & academic benefits.

one last point - sixth house children canonically live in a dormitory! so if you consider a professor going on paid leave to raise children while doing their own projects for about 7-9 years, then going back to work while their children are sent to a dorm to do nothing but study and train with other peers their age, it falls together so perfectly bro. it makes so much sense. of course pal and cam are nice to their parents but rarely ever close - they were most likely raised and taught communally! god i love worldbuilding

[ciaomarie]

Part 2: What Then?

I promise I have a life, but I couldn't help writing part 2 today! This takes place the same day as the "Development Day" when Syd and Carmy are thrown off by each other's answers during an ice breaker activity. Post-season 2. Feel-good fluff.

Photo Credit @drrav3nb /  drrav3nb.tumblr.com

"So those are the menu changes for Chicago Restaurant Week. If you have questions, feel free to ask me or Chef Sydney. You should also have an email from Natalie by later today. Okay, let's prep for night service!"

Carmy closed the meeting, grateful that it was finally over. He was no longer afraid of public speaking after rising in the ranks of various kitchens, but his mind was not in this ever since the ice breaker. He, Carmen Berzatto, had made Sydney's favorite meal ever? The last time he prepared the pork confit and the Milk and Honey dishes she mentioned was several years ago. Back then he was at Eleven Madison Park, a rising star on the culinary scene, who chain-smoked, slept 3 hours a night, and was berated by the EC daily. It was a nightmare peppered with flashes of genius. He was dying to ask her about it, but before he could get her attention Sydney had slipped into the kitchen.

He stared disappointed at the window that separated the dining area and kitchen.

"Hey Bear, what's up with you?" Richie said sidling up to him trying to follow his gaze.

"Nothing cousin."

"Yeah, right. I missed when it happened, but it seems like you crashed and had to reboot during the meeting. Then you were lost in Sydney-land. Want to talk about it?"

Carmy rubbed his eyes and raked his hands through his hair. When he used both hands, Richie knew without a doubt he had hit on something.

"First, cool it about Syd. That handout you gave us was really cute. And yes, there's something on my mind, but it's not for me to say."

Richie grinned and rubbed Carmy's shoulder.

"Fine, just get your head together because tonight is going to be loaded and it includes three anniversaries and a birthday. And second, you need to cool it about her or do something. It's like I'm living in The Wonder Years with Kevin and Winnie."

"What?"

"Oh, right. That's probably before your time. Kids!"

With that Richie sauntered over to the host stands to strategize with the wait staff and hosts.

Meanwhile in the kitchen, Sydney who had a thousand things to do, was adding at least a hundred more onto her plate. She didn't want to appear like she had a moment to spare. She and Carmy could talk at the end of the night as usual, without any eavesdropping. This would also give her time to think of an explanation as to why she never mentioned eating at Eleven Madison Park and that she wasn't a stalker who followed him to The Beef. To top off this awkward sundae, Carmy casually admitted his favorite part of the day was closing, the only time they are alone every day. She hoped no one else had connected the dots on that last part.

The afternoon and the night never went quicker to her chagrin. Even when one of the line cooks was sent home due to illness and a large group put in an order for 7 Fishes two minutes before tickets closed, she thought the night couldn't last long enough. Fortunately, Carmy seemed resigned to waiting and didn't look at her more than usual. In a flash service was over and no one was in the mood to hang around. By 11:00pm Sydney had cleaned her station for the third time and forced herself to go to Carm's office. He sat there pretending to do busy work, patiently waiting like a child who consoled himself that his parents wouldn't make him wait too long to open his Christmas presents.

"Hey Syd...it was a good night," he said softly not wanting to scare her away.

Sydney nodded and took a seat. Might as well get it over with it.

"Okay, yes. You made the best meal I've ever had. During a break at the CIA, I went to NYC and ate everywhere on my list, including Eleven Madison Park. It was a Wednesday night and I ordered several things including pork confit and Milk and Honey."

Sydney couldn't help closing her eyes and smiling at the memory. Her guard began to slip.

"Carm, it was like tasting my future and the best part of my past at the same time. I asked the waiter who made those dishes and he said Carmen Berzatto."

Carmen leaned forward on the desk. Whenever Sydney praised him, he felt like a cactus in an unexpected downpour. He wouldn't waste a single word. Her sunny existence and her belief in him sustained him during his dry seasons. He reached for her whenever he looked at the debt they still owed Uncle Cicero, when his mother finally visited The Bear and cried saying that he had erased Mikey, and even when their success seemed too good to be true. 

Sydney opened her eyes to find him looking at her in the way he had. It was terrifying because she had a very specific plan for her career. It also thrilled her, knowing the power she had over him. Five months ago, she had been begging for his focus and now she knew every her mood, glance, and word she spoke impacted him. Once for the fun of it during a slow night she stared at him until she drew his attention and smiled. He blushed, smiled back, came towards her without saying "corner", and crashed into one of the servers, sending three Michael cannoli to the floor. That was three months ago when she first realized something was going on with him. She'd refused to abuse her power since, going so far as to convince herself that she was overestimating his feelings. Then he said the best part of his day was closing. She hoped, well sort of hoped, that they could maintain this close, but not too close partnership and friendship without complications.

After a long pause Carmen sighed and sat back in his chair.

"So, how did you find me?"

"Well, like I said when we met, it was the job posting. I recognized your name and also The Beef from my dad taking me here."

She shrugged thoughtfully.

"It felt like it was meant to be. It gave me hope for the first time since Sheridan went under."

He nodded.

"It's really strange. You came here because I inspired you and the only reason, I felt capable of attempting something this big was because of you" he said gesturing to the ceiling.

"Yeah?" Sydney whispered.

"Yeah."

He stood up and walked around to sit on the desk facing her. Now, Sydney felt vulnerable looking up at him. It was so easy for him to unnerve her when he spoke this way, like under the table.

Carmy took one her hands and after a moment brought it to his lips.

"Thank you for telling me, Syd. It means a lot."

Sydney was unable to speak. Her throat had closed.

"Soon, is your one year work anniversary and I think we should celebrate."

She nodded.

Carmy set her hand down.

"It's late. I'll drive you home."

With that they left the office, gathered their stuff, and walked to his car in silence.

As they drove, Sydney attempted to talk herself down. Was that hand kiss, an Italian thing? Possibly. It also seemed like Carmy decided to do...something, but what? Worse, she was feeling like they had traded positions in mere seconds. She'd enjoyed having the upper hand. Oh, well. With a goodnight's rest she'd be back in form tomorrow. Maybe "accidentally" brush past him, or ask him to lift something heavy for her and comment on his strength. Then it would be game over for poor Carmy bear. For now, she wouldn't worry about the work anniversary. It was probably just going to be a cake Carm commissioned Marcus to bake.

Probably.    

[thetaoofzoe]

‘It Was Fun to Be Wanted by Someone Like Elvis Presley’: An Interview With Darlene Love

The gifted singer reflects on Elvis’s collaborative presence and his relationship to gospel music

by MICHAEL MUSTO August 7, 2018

The swaggering real-life Jeff Koons statue named Elvis Presley is hot again. Eugene Jarecki’s June-released documentary The King involves a road trip taken in Elvis’s old Rolls to survey his impact on the culture and determine that the American dream the singer represented is officially dead. (But oh, when it lasted!) Even darker is the film’s exploration of Presley’s appropriation of African-American culture, covering songs like “Hound Dog” — originally a non-hit for the brilliant Big Mama Thornton — and making them rock and sell. For singers like Thornton, the American dream never existed.

Enter powerhouse singer Darlene Love, who is represented on another new project, Where No One Stands Alone, a fourteen-track compilation of Elvis’s gospel work due out August 10 on RCA/Legacy. The L.A.-born minister’s daughter started singing in the church choir at ten, on the road to being scooped up by producer Phil Spector to belt hits like “He’s a Rebel,” “Today I Met The Boy I’m Gonna Marry,” and “Christmas (Baby,Please Come Home).” The lead voice of such groups as the Blossoms and Bob B. Soxx & the Blue Jeans, Love ended up working as a maid in the Eighties, but when she heard one of her old hits on the radio while she was scrubbing, it inspired her to get back into performing full-time. Her appearance in the Oscar-winning 2013 documentary 20 Feet From Stardom was memorable, especially when it addressed the way Spector promised her a solo career, but gave other singers credit for her work.

I recently talked to Darlene about her backup singing for Elvis, and how she feels about the King’s relationship to the music he both co-opted and celebrated.

Hi, Darlene. What is some of the gospel work you did with Elvis?

There is “Let Us Pray,” the one from the movie we did with Elvis, Change of Habit. That was his last film.

It was in 1969, with Elvis as a doctor and Mary Tyler Moore as a nun.

We, the Blossoms, are in the first scene. And we were in his 1968 comeback special [Singer Presents … ELVIS].

His new gospel compilation album should be quite interesting.

They [recently] had me do some fill-ins, what we call ad libs, throughout the album to make it sound more gospel. I haven’t heard it yet. Hopefully it’s a wonderful thing.

Elvis went to church and listened to gospel singers to soak up what they did, right? 

Even today, it’s more mixed than it was in the Fifties and Sixties. Whites and blacks didn’t go to church together back then. What Elvis told me he would do — we had night service on Sunday night when we did what we called “praise songs.” A lot of them were songs he loved, what we called “hymn songs.”

We didn’t have air conditioners. We had pushup windows, with a little rope. Elvis said he would stand outside the church rather than going in, because they didn’t think black and white should be in the same churches together. He said he would listen through the windows. It gave him such a thrill. It’s a big difference between the way blacks sang gospel and the way whites sang gospel.

Do you feel he was dedicated to the music or he was just taking it for himself? 

I found out years later, when we were doing the comeback special, that his mother’s favorite music was gospel. He would always sing gospel around her. I think if he could have had a big career in gospel music, that’s where he would have been. But you can always make more money off secular hits. Elvis had 10 or 15,000 people come to his shows to see him. Today, they have mega churches that hold 25,000, but back then, you were doing great if you had 500 people.

I bet they have air conditioning now.

Oh, lord, yes. [Laughs] I lived in Texas for five years as a young kid with my father, and it was so hot we couldn’t even breathe. There was no air conditioning in church or the house. What a difference it makes to have a cool ensemble. You still sweat because of the energy, but back then, we were soaking wet, when we sang in church.

I love gospel music. If I had a calling — meaning from the Lord — just to sing gospel, I would have, but the secular music got to more people. I bet a lot of secular singers like Sam Cooke and Aretha Franklin felt the same way. They never paid us no money. “Do it unto the Lord.” “OK.” [Laughs] We would drive to the gigs and they’d give you an offering — gas money. They were hardly giving us a whole lot of money. But it was worth it, every penny of it. It was a wonderful experience singing gospel.

But was Elvis appropriating the music, or that’s just the way it was?

That’s just the way it was. A lot of people think a white person is copying the black person. He just loved the music and he was singing it the way he felt. He sang “Hound Dog” completely different than Mama Thornton. [Elvis’s version was rock, whereas Thornton’s was blues.] Even today, they take secular music and put it in gospel, and vice versa. You know, Elvis won three Grammys, and they were all for gospel records. 

What were your experiences like with Elvis?

One time, Elvis decided we’d all go to the movies. He bought this theater out that night.

What did you watch — Change of Habit?

Don’t even ask me. I don’t remember. [Laughs] We had a lot of free time when we were recording and when we were making the movie. That’s when the Blossoms and myself got a chance to know the gospel side of Elvis. He’d want to know the songs we knew. He’d get his guitar and say, “You know this song?” “Yes, we grew up on it.” He’d say, “Let’s do it.”

Was he funny or serious?

He was funny and he was serious sometimes. If he didn’t think he was doing great, he’d say, “Hey, girls, how’m I doing?” He was very, very funny. I call it that “country funny.” He would do his moves in the studio the way he was gonna do them onstage. It made it easy to be around him, but sometimes it was not easy because his bodyguards were keeping people from him. He wanted to be with the Blossoms, where he could pull out his guitar. We’d say, “We think you’d better go. You’re gonna get us in trouble.” We’d never forget, because he’d be giving us his personal time.

You’d just be hanging out and singing?

Yes! Whatever song he knew — “Amazing Grace” or “River of Jordan” or “Heaven Is a Wonderful Place” or “Sweet Hour of Prayer.” We called them hymns of the church. There was another one called “Pass Me Not, O Gentle Savior.” The Blossoms were known for their harmony. We’d harmonize with him. There’s something we had with Elvis that others didn’t have. It was fun to be wanted by someone like Elvis Presley.

He had tremendous respect for you.

Yes, he did. That was great. I always say he left us way too soon. He is where I plan to go one day, so I’ll see him again.

You were all rather young and great-looking. Was there any sexual tension in the air? 

There was. It could have been. But I was too scared to do anything.

You fool! [Laughs] Kidding. You wanted to keep it professional.

And I definitely did. Something about dating someone you’re working for, it takes away from that. “I know he’s never gonna look at me the same after this.” [Laughs] He’d start playing with me. He’d tap you on the shoulder or do a hip shake, and me and Elvis knew what that meant.

Flirting?

Yeah, I think so, and I think it showed his human side. I wasn’t bad-looking — and I was thin, too. [Laughs] He wanted to take out time and be around us. The reason we sang on his ’68 comeback special is he was the one that insisted that the Blossoms sing in the music section of the show.

So Elvis treated you better than Phil Spector did?

Oh my God, I’d say so.

That’s an easy one.

That’s a real easy one. Phil took advantage of me and my talent. With Elvis, he wanted us to work, and we got paid well. It wasn’t like Phil Spector cracking the whip and us running around!

[junedenim]

2007

beneath the boardwalk, part 5 (series masterlist)

my mistakes were made for you

warnings: angst, fluff, smut, robert, etc.

word count: 12.3k

I had my hair cut just above my shoulders but it was not a bob, I am adamant about this. I got a light fringe that I never wore full-frontal on my forehead. I was inclined to pull the two sections apart like a curtain or, regrettably, have them as side bangs.

After New Year's, I returned to London and left many things behind in Wakefield, most notably my journals. I was starting fresh and wanted to claim independence. Stacey gifted me a stack of Moleskine notebooks for Christmas that I wrote in and I began babysitting two girls (5 & 7) who lived in the building with their single mother, Lee, who was 6 years older than me. Georgia and I refused to turn on the heat because we weren't overflowing with cash, especially after my father and I agreed I would start paying rent after the three-month grace period he gave me. 

The other reason was we felt more like struggling artists, piled under blankets, wearing two pairs of socks, and heating meals in the microwave because they had grown too cold too quickly. Georgia would write poetry in her room then meet me in the living room and recite it. I was without an editor since Alex and I's parting. So, I began to share my writing with Georgia.  After we traded pieces, we would crack the window open and smoke cigarettes out of it. 

I was aware I was using Georgia to refill the Alex-shaped hole in my life. What Georgia and I were doing was what I dreamt for Alex and me. I had overwhelming happiness for Alex but I felt disappointed (and certainly jealous) that we didn't experience the struggling artist phase together. But Georgia was what I needed: a friend.

Madeline Critchley, who helped me submit to Granta, got me a position with the University of Greenwich's literary magazine, Anthology. It felt dumb to start at the magazine a few months before I was finished with school but she told me it didn't matter how much time I put into it but what I got out of it. It was cheesy but it ended up being true. I wrote endlessly, trapped inside that building. I was overcome by some being and she never let me stop.

*

I was invited to a secret gig at The Leadmill in February. Arctic Monkeys's tour director emailed the invitation. I thought about going but used the excuse of babysitting and RSVPed no. Georgia, her new girlfriend, Kyle, Dianna, Robert, and I went and saw Amy Winehouse instead. Obviously, I don't regret the decision.

Not speaking of Alex seemed an unspoken rule but I couldn't help but think of him when Amy came on stage. Not because I related her songs to Alex and our relationship but because the bastard got to meet her and didn't fucking introduce me to her!

Robert's place was a close distance from Astoria so we all, except Dianna, went back and crashed at his place instead of taking a 40-minute ride home on the underground late at night. Georgia and Kyle would sleep on the pull-out and Robert would share his bed with me.

Before we went to sleep, Robert and I smoked a joint in his room. It didn't do much for me, only making me tired-eyed. Robert was in a constant state of haziness. He wore leather pants and a turtleneck. His hair was overgrown and every movement he made bounced his curls. 

"Heard about you and Alex." It was the first time we had seen each other this semester. I had only told Georgia, she informed everyone else for me.

"Yep."

"Sorry 'bout that."

I shrugged. It wasn't something I wanted to talk about.

"Sucks we can't get free concert tickets now."

I huffed a laugh. "I didn't think you were much of a fan anyway."

"Well, you know, it's a good place to pick up girls." He eyed me. It was obvious.

"I didn't pay attention to that kind of thing."

"Oh, come on, like you weren't watching every girl there who could steal your man."

I shrugged again. I was never threatened by that idea or maybe I was just uncaring towards it.

"Your ambivalence is a man's greatest dream."

"He never did anything for me to not trust him."

"What about me?"

"Oh," I exaggeratedly rolled my eyes. "I'd never trust you."

We shared a laugh and the joint had reached its butt. He put it down. "So, shall we just get to fucking?"

I pushed off the wall and walked over to what had been deemed my side of the bed. "God, Robert."

"Come on. It's been a long time coming. We're here. We're single. It's our last year. We're never gonna be here again."

"You just want to get yours wet."

"So, you're wet? And hell yeah."

"Shut up."

"Let me kiss you."

"I'm going to bed."

"Fine. Me too."

We laid side-by-side for a minute before I kissed him and then we fucked. I don't remember much. I wasn't that drunk or high. It just wasn't very memorable.

*

Robert and I had a transactional relationship. Before we began hooking up this was the case and now that we were spending our nights together, we shared awful things with one another, none of which were words. Drugs seemed to be the biggest thing. A joint after sex was expected and by March, Robert and I were snorting coke with one another. It was quite enjoyable. For the time.

We ended up in Regent's Park one night. We sprawled across the vast grass. He called people—they weren't friends—on his Motorola Razr and switched between rambling with them and rambling at me. I brought my notebook and thought about writing but he was too loud.

I searched through my bag for something I never found and remembered when I came with Alex. I hated the infection of him but something about that night and picturing him on a bench next to me made me smile. 

I thought of guards changing. My first trip down to London when I was 10 and how Stacey and I stood, faces squeezing through the gates of Buckingham Palace to watch the New Guard replace the Old Guard. I couldn't understand how anyone would want to stand outside on sentry duty for hours. The relief when the New Guard showed up must have been such an enormous relief as their bladders ached and their shoulders begged for mercy. I wondered about the relief Alex felt as the New Guard replaced him. Or did he wish to continue to stand still by the palace's side? But the Old Guard becomes the New Guard eventually. They all just go spinning around. 

I wrote about the places we attribute to people. The corners of the world that just belong to them. (Alex, unbeknownst to me, had already done the same [505]). I left Alex's fingerprint out of the piece but it had him all smeared over it. I wrote about the Guard and Stacey's little head nearly trapped in between the metal bars. It was my favourite piece I wrote for Anthology. 

I sent it to Alex. He responded:

Buckingham Palace still has guards???? Are people still trying to actively kill the Queen?

I responded:

Diana's ghost.

Alex never sent me any of his work. I dreamt of a book one day appearing on my car roof. But my car stayed in Wakefield and Alex stayed nowhere. It was a rotten daydream.

*

In April, days before Favourite Worst Nightmare was released, the band played the Astoria for two nights. I hadn't heard any material yet, besides the recently released single "Brianstorm" and its b-sides, I had heard none of the album. It was unsettling not to know the songs. To not have the entire setlist memorized, front to back. 

My goal was always to be friends with Alex and going to the concert felt like solidifying this notion. Georgia found my need to befriend Alex so quickly after we had ended bizarre and unnecessary. But it had been months and I was ready to rip the Band-Aid. Georgia came with me. Robert insisted too. 

It did end up being bizarre. I was unacquainted with going to an Arctic Monkeys concert and not talking to Alex beforehand. When they came on stage, their appearances were much like when I saw them last. Alex hadn't changed one bit, but his demeanor had. He was stiffer, not in a good or bad way, just an indistinguishable way.

New additions met my ears well with the bass of "Balaclava" ringing through me for days to come. I shifted around "Do Me A Favour" as details became obvious that the subject matter was concerning us and our teary eyes. It made me fidget but I loved it so I couldn't quite complain about the feeling of irk I got. My opinion changed when it was followed by "Mardy Bum" where I knew all of this was a conscious choice. It was an attack on my heart whose walls were still susceptible to incursion.

I found myself relating to songs that weren't written for me like I was the average listener. "Leave Before the Lights Come On" had a different meaning standing next to Robert. I felt ashamed for that and that made me enraged by Alex because without moving a muscle I felt like he was dictating my life through my hippocampus only. 

After the show, we waited outside for the band. Georgia also found this insane. Robert said it was tragic but in a poetic way. I said they could go but both refused. 

Jamie came out first with Katie who wrapped her arms around me which could be deemed as a threat to my life if it wasn't so loving. She did the same to Georgia and I laughed at the way Georgia flailed her arms around.

The rest of the band followed with Alex's eyes wide and looking between the floor and me, unable to process the sight in a simple glance. "Alright! We're heading back to Robert's place!" Matt shouted. His eyes on Alex became clear he was teasing him. 

Regardless, I chuckled and hugged Matt. "No. I was hoping to join wherever you were going if you don't mind the intrusion."

"Never," Nick said, giving me a hug. Nick and I didn't know much about each other other than what Alex told each of us. I liked him because he had always greeted me with a wide smile, welcoming to all. He often seemed like he was just happy to be along for the ride wherever that ride took him. I like that quality very much.

As we walked out further into the street, the paparazzi snapped away, more at the band than the 3 dimwits following them, nevertheless, Robert began a potent rant against the invasion of paparazzi and how it was Big Brother and flexing that he had read 1984 as if it wasn't required reading for everyone in high school. He continued this the whole ride until we arrived at the pub.

It was premier service for a place that felt so unchic but I knew nothing about how the status of celebrity worked. Alex and I didn't go out enough for me to witness it. I had no qualms about using the complimentary service for my drinks. 

In the booth, Robert sat with his arm around me. Our displays were often limited to his flat but when he stood to go use the restroom and kissed my cheek I knew what he was doing. I had to laugh, it was impossibly amusing.  

I left for a cigarette. Alex followed a minute later. My back was against the wall as he approached. "Hi."

"Hi." I unconsciously handed him one. It was second nature.

He blew a puff out and asked, "You got a review for me?" That was also second nature.

I chuckled and shook my head, looking down at the floor. "Excellent as usual."

"Dry as ever, come on, Janie, you've got to give me more here."

I gave what I could. "I liked the new songs."

It seemed less jokey now as his laughter fell but he smiled at me sincerely. "Thanks."

"I'm sure the album will be great." I never doubted that. Even if he wrote the most scathing things about me, I would love it because he’d word it in such a way that I simply could not hate it.

Our conversation was like hitting a tennis ball back and forth but each time one of us hit it the other wouldn't hit it back. I thought about going inside. Then, he asked me, "You and Robert together?"

His bluntness had taken me aback and I focused on my cigarette to process the question. "Does Robert strike you as the boyfriend type?"

It made Alex laugh, which was the only relief in the world I would need. "I suppose not. Kissing you on the cheek and all—I'm sorry, not my business."

He was flustered, which made me laugh. He was small and cute when he was flustered, messing with his hair and shaking his head. "You know, he gets a kick out of making you jealous."

"Really?" Alex chuckled at the idea. I think Alex, for many years, viewed himself as the underdog, even if he was more famous, richer, cuter, and kinder than nearly anyone else I knew. 

"I think you make him feel insufficient. I'm not sure why but he's always felt a need to overcompensate when you're around."

"So, he doesn't do stuff like that usually?"

I never liked lying to Alex. "No. But in full transparency, we are doing the hook-up thing or whatever."

He verged on saying something but closed his mouth and scuffed out his cigarette. I joined him in dropping mine. "Lucky him."

I pushed him light-heartedly. "Shut up."

We returned inside and Robert's arm returned around me. Later, when we were saying our goodbyes for the evening, he was loud in his exclamation that we were leaving together and returning to his flat. I had to hide my laughter. Robert's usual too-cool-for-school conduct faded at the sight of Alex. It made it funnier when Alex pulled me aside while everyone was saying their goodbyes.

"Are you coming to the show tomorrow?"

I shook my head. 

"Come."

"I can't. I've got to babysit."

Matt interjected, "They let you around children?"

Before I could say anything, Alex told him, "Will you shut it, Matthew?"

When Matt moved away, Alex grabbed my hands. "Just come tomorrow. Another night of free drinks if you want."

I giggled at his earnestness. "I would if I could."

"Cancel. Come on."

"Al."

"Look, how many nights am I in town for? Come on, Janie."

His eyes wide, his mouth saying his name for me, and his hands clutching mine. I didn't say no.

*

My arms are crossed and my head is shaking the first time I hear "505" because I don't know what to make of it and I don't know what to make of this. Alex was dressed in a sky-blue Lacoste (this will be more relevant in a few years) and he pressed down on the keys as he pressed down on me.

I was having a hard time wrapping my head around it. I wasn't sure if I should cry or smile. The song left me uneasy and I felt I didn't know what was true anymore. That wavelength between us had been severed and I imagined Alex felt sad about our break-up but I never thought he was rethinking his actions and pining for that hotel room again. I had been the one to lament over our break-up and send it to him. He had stayed reserved in all his opinions and hid away his emotions. It wasn't a new thing by any means. But I did feel a sense of betrayal when I heard the information with 2,000 other people instead of under blankets and sheets, whispered in the dead of winter.

But I didn't want to talk about it so after the show I didn't bring it up. His mannerisms shifted from his awkward movement to more deliberately positioned as he hugged me after the show like he had done so many times before, sweaty.

"Drinks?" I asked him.

He moved back and forth between his left and right foot. "I was thinking I could see this new flat I keep hearing about." 

Everything was intentional and obvious. "It's not very fabulous."

He waved me off. "I'm sure you've gushed the place up."

"Gushed the place up?" I questioned his verbiage.

Alex rolled his eyes and squeezed my upper arm. "Come on. Let me see the grounds."

Off we went on the underground to my flat, just the two of us. He kept jumping in his seat on the way over, citing excitement. "It feels out of place that I haven't seen your place," he said.

"Yeah. I know what you mean."

On our way up the stairs to my flat, Alex tried to challenge me to a race but my feet hurt and I couldn't believe he still had enough energy after performing concert after concert. My back was slumped and Alex was standing up perked as I unlocked the door. 

"Georgia home?" He asked as we made our way through the door.

"With Kyle."

He nodded, tight-lipped. I could see the scene unfolding before him in his mind as we stood in the living room/kitchen hybrid. He looked around the room like he had actual interest in it before his eyes landed on me with a smile.

"Do you do this in every city?" I asked.

"Huh?"

"Al. You're easy to read."

He stuffed his hands in his coat pocket as he tried to fight that grin bursting across his face. "I wanted to see your place."

I rolled my eyes and walked toward my bedroom. "Yeah, sure." He followed behind like an obedient puppy.

He was attentive in looking around the room, nearly all those trinkets he had memorized from my old room had been replaced with new ones. The poster flier from one of Georgia's poetry readings, the Amy Winehouse ticket stub, and the dumb joke from Alex's Christmas cracker were pinned on my mini bulletin board. The paper crown and mini deck of cards sat displayed on my desk. A slight upturn came to Alex's cheeks at the sight.

His gaze moved back to me. "A lot smaller than your room back home."

"Yeah. Rent's expensive and I'm paying rent now."

"Out from under your dad's thumb." Seeing him as pleased with this as I had been was a happy sight. Those long chats in hidden coves where we'd be independent together. But as always Alex was happy for me even without having him as codependence. 

Alex faked looking around my room more as I sat on the edge of my bed. He'd bend down to look at things like he was at a museum. His hands stayed in his pockets the whole time and he examined the corners and details of everything as if he'd be quizzed on it.

"Are you looking to see what you're going to steal from me?" I asked him.

He chuckled. "No, sorry. Just curious." He picked up the mini deck of cards, tossing it in his hands. "Round of Gin?"

"Alex." I wanted to be clear. "You came over here to play cards with me?"

His eyes were stuck on the deck's package, fiddling with the cardboard lid. "I just..." He shrugged multiple times and bounced on his feet. "I guess, I missed you, you know."

"Yeah." It was an easy sentiment to agree to because I feared I'd miss him for the rest of my life.

"We were in Tokyo a few weeks ago and I wanted to go see that Buddha you wrote about that, that, that—"

"Kamakura Daibutsu."

"Yeah." He looked down solemnly. "Wasn't there long enough to do it. I don't know. It just had me thinking about you and I know the relationship thing has sailed." 

I didn't believe that. I didn't want to believe that. I had held on to those hidden beliefs that after all the madness we'd return to each other's side and all would be well. An abyss grew in me that Alex didn't believe that too.

"But," he continued. "But just all that shite that I'd done to make it worse and I vowed I'd never do that and I'm sorry for being a total dickhead."

"I did things too that I knew would hurt you."

"You did nothing."

"I slept with someone in Aruba."

He froze, his stare on me as he processed the information. "Uh, that's fine."

I shook my head. "Don't do that. I don't want to start acting like my parents."

"I don't want tonight to be this depressing," he laughed wetly. 

"What did you want tonight to be?"

"I, I, to be—to hang out, to be with you."

"We could have done that at a pub. Why'd you want to come to my flat?" We looked at each other, both knowing the answer but waiting to see if the other would verbalize it.

He put the deck back on my desk and sat beside me. He stared forward at the wall for a moment before falling on his back. He rubbed his face as if to scrub it off, not wanting me to see the sight of it. My eyes never stopped following him. I was afraid to blink.

"My plan was to be all cute, tha knows."

"Aren't you always?"

The comment seemed to drop his guard a bit as he placed his hands on his chest. He took a deep breath and looked at me. His smile slowly grew as if it was being watered by the sight of me. "If you want to kiss me, you can."

I rolled my eyes and turned away from him but my smile was unavoidable.

"Come on." He tugged on my wrist. "You wouldn't let me endure one of the most embarrassing moments of my life."

I slapped away his hand's grip. "Quit mocking me."

He sat up. "I'm not mocking, Janie. I'm making the bad good." His face was right next to mine and it felt like the best move was to kiss him because kissing Alex could never be wrong even if he was leaving tomorrow and I would be left here.

So, therefore, having sex with Alex could never be an issue even though I slept with Robert the night before and I would sleep with him tomorrow. I wanted relief. The only solution was Alex in me. It was memorable.

*

His excitement worried me. "You're graduating in a few months. You could join us for festival season. It'll be in all those incredible places you want to go with beautiful weather. It'll be perfect. Where do you want to go? We'll go."

Lying in his arms had always been a comfort but now I felt this inevitability of hurting him with the false hope I had given. We lied on our sides, looking at each other, his hand draped over my waist.

"I don't know what kind of job I'll have after school. I might have to stay in London."

"We should hire you. You'll be our on-the-road journalist." His smile was infectious and I wished to have similar sentiments that once the obligation of school was done then we'd be fixed. But I wasn't going to kid myself.

I fell onto my back and clutched the bedsheet to my chest. "I think I'd be a bit biased. I don't want to be a journalist anyway."

"What do you want to be then, Janie?"

I shrugged. "I'll know when it's here."

Alex propped himself up on his elbow and quickly hovered over me. "You can't lie to me, Janie. You're a writer."

"Everybody's a writer," I argued.

He bit back a chuckle and shook his head. "Don't give me that shite for 4 years ago. You're a writer. I've seen it with my own two eyes."

"Well," I bite my lip, "there's this magazine, Granta, that I've submitted pieces to. I don't know if I want to do the whole freelance writer thing but I like writing what I want to write."

"Do it," he urged. "I'm not just saying that because you'll be able to come on the road with us."

I side-eyed him. "Sure."

"Have faith in me. I'm always looking out for the best for you. I'm always in your corner, Jane Cavendish."

It hit me. I knew it was the truth and he had always rallied for me so deeply even when we were far away from each other. "Ditto."

Alex rolled onto his back and looked at the ceiling. "Plus, you'll be able to see us headline Glastonbury."

I laughed but he didn't correct himself. I looked over and that smug bastard smirked at me and slowly nodded his head. "Fuck off. You're joking." He wasn't. Obviously.

*

Alex left for Liverpool at 6:30 AM. He shook me out of sleep saying he'd see me in a few weeks and kissed me.

Hours later, when I woke up, I would've figured I'd dreamt it if he hadn't written a note and placed it on my nightstand.

Come to Leadmill on the 21st & 22nd. I want a formal review. —A.T.

A couple of days later, Favourite Worst Nightmare dropped, including my—to this day—only songwriting credit on "Fluorescent Adolescent." I sent a text to Alex calling him a plagiarist. He told me to look out for the royalties check.

My relationship with Robert had remained unchanged but he gave the impression he knew what I had done with Alex. We never talked about it and when I left for Wakefield on the 20th he told me to tell the band he liked the album. I kissed his cheek. He was an annoying piece of shit but he was my friend. Few people understood it but we related to one another in a way I've never related with anyone. We were twin flames and it's why I couldn't handle him for more than a night at a time. We lit each other's fires but a fire is still a fire even if it keeps you warm on a cold night and burns you the next.

In Wakefield, my parents informed me they were moving. It had little to no effects on me other than sentimentality and having to clean out my childhood room. Stacey, however, would be uprooted and for that, I hurt.

My parents' guilt-tripped generosity allowed Stacey to attend The Leadmill show—her first Arctic Monkeys concert. She was slightly aware of the ambiguity of Alex and I's relationship and over the winter had prodded me for more. No one can claim to be a bigger fan of Alex Turner than Stacey, not even myself.

I wore my Arctic Monkeys tour T-shirt purchased at the London shows and Stacey wore the one I had purchased for her (I bought them at the merch table because it felt too awkward to ask Alex or the band for one. I used to just steal them. I decided to not hold the poor merch girl at gunpoint for a shirt). I drove my car there so Alex couldn't persuade me into drinks after. Stacey's coming eliminated any funny business. I wanted to get through school before starting anything up with Alex again. If I was even going to do that. I wasn't sure yet.

The setlist had a few new inclusions and Stacey jumped around freely. It was a beautiful sight of youth to see. It's the first time I really felt old at the thought that used to be me. Then, I felt stupid. I was a fresh 21, I had no clue how old old would really feel.

After the show, we congratulated the band on a good show and said good night. Alex told me to come to his parents' house before the show tomorrow. I accepted. I missed David and Penny. They would also be a good prevention buffer.

Up in his room, we sat on his bed and talked like the old days. There was much that had happened to talk about. Alex took the news of the house selling harder than me. I guess my sentimentality had rubbed off on him but I never viewed that house in the rose-coloured view that Alex did. But moments in my room I've locked away in my heart for just him and me. Things for only my ears to hear, my eyes to see, and my flesh to feel and vice versa for him.

After the show, we sat in my car.

"I feel like we're back to being 18," I told him.

"Why?"

I laughed to shield the seriousness with which I was speaking. "These trysts of ours."

"I already told Miles so." He had come out and performed "505" with them that night.

I rolled my eyes and chuckled. "Of course you did."

He shrugged helplessly.

"I'm still—well, I continued my thing with Robert. I'm not gonna lie to you."

"I kind of figured."

"I don't know how I feel about starting this again. Always being so far."

Alex sighed and leaned forward on his elbow on the center console. "After you've graduated that might not even be an issue."

"I'm not gonna follow you around like a puppy dog for years, Alex."

"I don't expect you to. But it could be fun this summer. After that, there'll be a break and we'll go wherever you pick. Swear it." He stuck his pinky out.

I bit the inside of my cheek and looked at his sweet face, always seeing so much with those big eyes. I loved him to pieces. Through all the struggles, there was that sweet face. So, I wrapped my pinky around his.

*

Alex was in Orlando when I graduated. He sent me a long email that is too long and personal to be printed in full here but here's an excerpt.

I think you should be a food reviewer that way we get into all the best restaurants that I'm not elegant enough to get into. Or you could just bat your eyelashes. Either would work I'm sure.

Be whatever you want. You'll be the best at it. Unless you want to do my job then stick to your day job otherwise I'll be out of one. Call me after, whenever you can. I wish I was there so imagine I am. It'll make me feel better.

He sounded like a dad. Some version of Atticus Finch morphed into a buffoon. I thought for hours about how to respond to the email. My eyes began to hurt so I just sent him photos from the day that Georgia had taken. 

Georgia hid her discrepancies with me over abandoning the flat to "run off with Alex" as she said every time I brought up my summer plans. I sublet my room with full intentions of returning in September. 

Robert was messier. We mutually seemed to agree that our sexual relationship would come to an end in May when we graduated. Robert held plans of going to New York and being a vagabond and I felt settled in London. Our activity had grown sparse after my trip to Yorkshire but didn't cease.

Two nights before graduation, I told him of my plans for the summer. He nodded along but laughed when I finished. "Whatever, Jane, be a fucking groupie all your life."

"I'm not."

He laughed maliciously at me. "I think you're scared of what comes after uni so you're clinging to this rich, successful ex-boyfriend. Play second fiddle to him. That's fine."

He was jealous. But I worried he was right.

*

I met up with the band in Dublin, which seemed fitting. It was easy to fall into the old habits of 2005 when I joined the band during the summer. However, Alex and I's relationship hadn't returned to what it had been. I slept in his bunk due to lack of space but that wasn't difficult. We struggled more with communication.

Their two shows in Dublin were messy and fanatical in the crowd. I stood backstage and listened to people singing along to a song I wrote. It didn't feel as out-of-body as I imagined and I wondered if Alex felt the same way when he heard the crowd singing along with him. 

In between their first and second show in Dublin, Alex and I escaped to Wicklow, much to the annoyance of his management who worried the whole day that he had ditched the show. We returned in time, although we did cut it close.

We hiked the Glen Beach Cliff where the ocean kissed the mountains and I knew Alex wanted to complain the whole time but he didn't. His shoes were old, the seams nearly ripped open as we hiked the 3 miles. Below us, on the beach, were seals. It felt like a different world compared to the one we had experienced last night.

As we walked downhill, Alex wrapped his arm around me and despite nearly tripping several times and knocking me down with him, I refused to let him remove the arm. 

"Are we dating again?" He asked.

It had been a largely neglected topic, mostly because I hadn't made my mind up about it. It was easy to be with Alex but being with Alex when we weren't actually with each other was frustrating. My biggest worry had always been ruining our friendship over the failure of our romantic relationship. Still, I wasn't sure of anything. "I guess."

He lightly chuckled. "That was enthusiastic."

"I'm sorry. I guess my question remains about what will happen after summer." The wind swirled around us and I tried my best to keep my hair out of my face.

"That's more a question for you than for me. You know what I want but I'm going to be happy for you whatever way you go. You know that right?" Alex has always been insistent on making sure I know he's steadfast in his support of whatever direction I decide to head and he has held true to that (mostly).

"Then, I'll need time to think about that. See what opportunities come my way this summer."

He nodded and tugged me closer. "This is over in December and then I'm all yours. Besides, I've already called you me girlfriend so you can't go back on it now."

In my sarcastic nature, I tossed my head on his shoulder, sounding, "Ugh! Don't be presumptuous, Al."

*

I got my favourite pair of sunglasses stolen at Glastonbury and I will hunt down the thief until the day that I die. Not that sunglasses were required for much of that day. The sky was dim, the ground was muddy, and it rained the whole weekend. We got there a day early to settle and like any night before a big show, it was spent drinking and horsing around late into the night.

Alex and I didn't get to bed until way past midnight and even then we had left Jamie, Matt, and other mates still fucking around. As we got ready for bed Alex had grown quiet, slow in his movements, and shrinking down into the small bed.

We laid down together and silence was awkward and he felt stiff. "You nervous?"

"Yeah," he laughed out in an effort to mask his nerves.

I curled my arm around and hugged him. I did my best to comfort him the way he always did for me. I held him tight and tried to possess a shoulder to cry on the best I could. "You know, I'll still love you even if you make a fool of yourself."

"Thanks." I leaned back to look at him as he struggled with a smile. His hand reached up and pushed my hair behind my ear. He held my cheek and it felt like his muscles had finally relaxed. "I'll try my best not to. I know you don't want to be stuck with a fool." 

"Aren't you already?"

He rolled his eyes and was relieved with a laugh. "Maybe only for you."

"That's so cheesy. You should be put in jail."

"As long as you were there."

I slapped a thunk onto his arm. "Stop it, you. I'll imprison you. Shush!"

He resisted my push away from him, wormed his arm under me, and landed the other over me. He wiggled us close and he felt like a preheated oven as my bones were left out to defrost. "Are you happy? Excited?"

Alex often needed me to reassure him during this period of our lives, especially after we got back together. That summer our relationship was ambiguous and it was easy for Alex to fear that at the first sign of unhappiness, I would ditch him. He wasn't exactly wrong. I wouldn't have left if Glasto sucked but if I became unhappy with Alex, it was an easy out for me. I've always appreciated easy outs.

"Yeah. I wish I had a camera. Then, I could sell them all to The Sun and make a killing."

"Is all this okay with you?" More questions. Another valid one. An undiscussed topic had often been I, an at-the-time unknown, being pulled into the public eye for my attachment to Alex. It's not like he was some tabloid superstar but it didn't leave me as a virtual unknown, especially with the band only getting bigger.

I nodded, my ear rustling against the pillow. "No stalkers. Except maybe you." He hadn't left my side since we arrived. I couldn't complain one bit. For once, I wasn't the clingy one.

He mused, "What can I say? I love you."

"Stop." Too cheesy, too cheesy.

Alex laughed into his pillow. He softened up and inched closer to me on our tiny bed. "Why didn't you bring your camera?" My photograph production had declined since college but I still held onto the habit.

I frowned. "It broke right before graduation."

"The ol’ Canon finally bit the dust,” he joked. It had been the only camera I ever owned. I used my mother’s old cameras when I took that photography class with Matt. I never bothered investing more in it than what I could borrow. “We can pick up another one."

I sighed. "Too much money. I'm an independent woman now."

"Oh, damn, you need me to be your daddy now."

I pushed him off the bed.

*

We mudded up our wellies the following day to see Amy Winehouse before the rain poured in full force again. I think it relaxed everyone to feel like we went to Glasto just to enjoy it and not actually headline it. We nodded our heads along with the songs and stood with our hands stuffed into our pockets. 

Opposing Alex's nerves, I was wracked with excitement. I went off into my own world during Glastonbury and wanted to enjoy the hippie nature and the history. I loved the whole weekend. The nights after watching The Killers and The Who and I'm pissed with Arctic Monkeys to this day for having me miss Björk to watch their stupid headline set.

Dressed in their overcoats and Matt with his Adidas track pants, their set went off without a hitch and I had fun dancing with Katie and briefly with Dizzee Rascal before he joined them onstage for "Temptation Greets You Like A Naughty Friend." The road had and would be lonely but it was eased a little bit by having another girl by my side. When Miles came out and joined the band for "505" I thought of Eva. I hadn't talked or heard about her since The Little Flames disbanded. I shamed myself for it. I had become a person who held onto objects that reminded you of a person as an excuse to no longer see them.  The thought crossed my mind that Georgia was my only friend and I hadn't talked to her since I joined the band on the road. Then, Katie hugged me to her side and I felt a little less lonely.

I had grown desensitized to the meaning behind Alex's songwriting. I never stopped and thought about how he was singing songs that were rooted in our break-up because it no longer seemed important because we were together and how the past could affect the future. But there was this moment during "Do Me A Favour" where he had seemed rather emotional, furiously strumming his guitar and rushed singing close to his microphone. I felt ashamed for not having the same reaction as him. I felt like I was missing a gene by not crying at "Mardy Bum" or not swooning at "I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor" but I suppose night after night, I just became numb to the meanings of those songs. I wish I hadn't. I wish I enjoyed it more but everything felt fleeting so I made no effort to cherish moments at that age.

When they got off stage the thought had floated away and we were ready for a night of exhausted celebration. The weather was rough and the band had their casual round of press before we enjoyed drinks and party favours in the camper. Alex and I made out against the door of a porta-potty at one point. It was very disgusting.

*

I fulfilled more travel fantasies with this tour. The limitations no longer sat in Great Britain and Ireland as we moved up to Scandinavia, first stopping in Oslo. I was set loose and skipped their concert, instead visiting the Akershus Fortress and seeing "The Scream" at the Munch Museum finally returned to its home after being stolen in 2004 (although, I'm partial to Munch's "Madonna" but that's neither here nor there). In Stockholm, I continued this by going to the Vasa Museum and in the evening hiking up to Skinnarviksberget and watching the sunset, but, sadly, no Northern Lights.

We continued the festival run going through Germany and then Rock Werchter where at this point I should have broken the world record for seeing Lily Allen live as I once again watched her on the Pyramid Marquee before seeing my boys on the Main Stage.

A festival or so later, a day off was given before their Paris show, and, in a way, I finally got my Parisian dream. The hotel was nice and the toilet worked like how a normal toilet works but Alex and I shared a room. Privacy for the first time since his room in Sheffield. We did the obvious, a few times.

It's weird to put it how sex works with Alex and me. It's like a weird recalibrating device. I suspect it's because our relationship started through it that whenever we need to get back on the same page fucking seems to help. It was late and we shared a cigarette after because you can do that then in Paris. I would talk, he would smoke it, then he would talk, I would smoke it.

"You and Katie have become best mates," he said. Katie had returned back to England a few days prior and I once again was the lone girl.

"I like her a lot. She's a calm presence amongst the chaos."

"Yeah, she's done Jamie a world of good. Calmed him a bit." That was undeniably true. Jamie had always been a kind and caring guy but he had an uncontrollable craze at times and a mouth that poured at things that maybe shouldn't have been said. Katie seemed to kick him and keep him in check.

I have always been fascinated with how people change people. Somewhere at our center these people worm their way in and change your hardwiring or maybe they just expose what has always been there. "Have I calmed you?"

Alex chuckled. "Quite the opposite I think."

"Hey!" I became jokingly affronted. "I can be a calm presence. You lot are the ones who are messing around so much."

He continued to laugh at me. Eyes bright and smile light. He reached over and began to pet my hair. "I don't think calm would be the right word." I thought about hitting his chest but that would prove his point. "I just think you've made me more confident."

It was a peculiar thought to me. I didn't feel confident most of the time and I was nowhere near the confidence of going on stage and headlining festivals as a band's frontman. "How?" I asked.

He reached back to stub out the cigarette on the ashtray on the bedside table but he kept his hand steady on the side of my head, rubbing smooth circles. He returned closer and with a soft smile. "In a lot of ways. Your encouragement." I couldn't argue with that. Alex had done the same for me tenfold. "I feel like if you believe in me, even if I fuck up out there, you'll still be here." I wanted to always be there. I hated how life got in the way and people stayed and others went and I just wanted to stay in little corners of the world with Alex forever. But in those early years, it was an impossibility. We tried our best. 

"Plus, you're smoking hot." I rolled my eyes but I was, of course, charmed by the comment (I mean, I wrote it here for a reason. I want everyone to know he finds me smoking hot). "Do you know the power I have by having you as a girlfriend? For god's sake, Robert almost kicked my ass over you."

I pushed away from him. "Ew. Don't talk about Robert when I'm naked."

"Why? You've been naked with him."

Forces froze and I waited to see if he had more to say or if I had anything to say but we both felt chilled by the awkwardness. I slowly sat up more against the headboard and rested back against it. "Were you hurt by that?"

"What?"

"Me having sex with Robert because you don't really have a right to be pissed." I was defensive because I was in the right but I also framed his words as an attack.

Alex was slow in his response, I guess he was trying to find the best way to say what he was thinking without me biting his head off for it. "No. I mean, you're right. There's no reason to be pissed."

I wanted to know his real feelings. I knew he wouldn't shame me for doing it but I wondered if he felt the act of Robert and I's relationship was an attack against him. I played with my fingernails and we didn't make eye contact. We were two planks beside one another. "But were you?"

I peeked over. His shoulders shrugged and he looked down at his hands. We were mirror images of each other. "I don't know. I mean, I don't like the idea of you being with anyone else. Truthfully, Robert annoys me so I guess that confused me or upset me more. But I love you, you know." He looked over. Insistent on this part. "And that's not going away. I figured that out a long time ago. As much as I love the idea that I get to be with you for...you know, I know that I can't get everything I want. But I want you to get all that. I want it more for you than for me. You got that?"

It took me a while to regain control. I was stuck between smiling so wide my face ripped into two and crying until my eyes fell out. I took a shaky breath. "Yeah. But I want all that for you too so you're right back to getting everything you've wanted again because I want that."

"You're always forcing me to take care of myself, Janie."

I hugged him. I needed to touch him. To hold him. I whispered into his neck, "It's 'cause I love you, you know."

*

When the tour went on break I went with Alex to Black Box Studios in Maine-et-Loire, France where he and Miles recorded the first Last Shadow Puppets album. The whole album was recorded in a matter of 2 weeks but nothing about it was rushed. The landscape was lush and the downtime felt like something out of an Eric Rohmer film.

On the last few dates of the tour, we ended up in Sydney. It was the only time during the tour that I got the urge to call my mother. I didn't because my Nokia couldn't call that far but I sent her and my father a postcard and I bought Stacey Uggs, authentic Uggs. We had a day off where we went to Bondi Beach where Matt and I braved the cold water. Afterwards, we visited the zoo where I got to hold a koala. I felt like holding a baby, except with the softest fur imaginable. Afterward, I pouted about not being allowed to own one so Alex bought me a koala stuffed animal.

A week after, the band went to play Summer Sonic in Osaka and Tokyo. I went back home for a week. It wasn't intentional, the dates just lined up that way but it felt best to skip such a rough place. Alex has a habit of embodying the mood of places based on memories. This behavior can likely only exist for a guy who has been to so many places.

I joined The Last Shadow Puppets a few days into recording. When I arrived, Miles and Alex had just returned from riding their bikes together. They looked like twins, shaggy-haired and brown-eyed boys. Alex threw his bike down and tossed his arm over to me like we were two buds, just getting off our shift at work. It filled me with endless excitement. Then, Miles came over and cupped my face, pinching my cheeks. I slapped him away and we went inside and had dinner.

At that dinner table, I could picture a whole future. Ones where Alex and I had Miles over our house, our little stray puppy. Nights where we all went out drinking and he crashed on our couch. Miles and I would both be hungover and Alex would give us painkillers and make us scrambled eggs.

Side-by-side, Alex and I brushed our teeth. It was a greater act of love than a marriage proposal.

*

I had begun to videotape these Shadow Puppets. On the morning of my second day there, Alex and I were lounging around in bed when he told me he had a little present. He came out with a camera, a Pentax 17. 

"For me?" I pointed to myself, holding the delicate thing, cradling it like my baby.

He snorted a laugh. "Who else?" He petted my hair back and he was the sweetest man who ever lived. 

In those two weeks, I didn't have many subjects. Most of the footage and pictures were of Miles and Alex. James Ford, who produced and drummed with the Puppets, made some appearances. I slipped by in a couple too. I began to develop this plan to make a documentary on the band. It fell through, mainly because when they went to do the orchestral parts of the album in December, I couldn't go, and I was also lazy. They used some of it for a 4play documentary but it wasn't the vision I had. Alex says I would have won an NME award (I have desperately wanted to win one solely for the middle finger trophy. Alex has plenty, only one on display for joking sake, but I would beg to win one. It might have been my only chance). It probably would have sucked. I've never worked with actual film to make a movie. I never worked with anything to make a movie because I've never made a movie. I will never make one either. Because I am lazy. But, I guess, I'll get through the rest of this book and stop interrupting the flow of the story by telling you I'm getting ready to write more of this book which you will read now. Or now. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now.

Now, I have filmed much more on that camera other than Miles and Alex skipping through great fields and picking daisies, although I still shoot that too. If I could submit home videos for the NME Awards, I would have won one by now.

Most afternoons we rode bikes around the tiny town. I would occasionally drop into the studio out of pure boredom but I spent the majority of my downtime writing or exploring. One afternoon, the trio of us biked by Château d'Armaillé.  It was a lofty manor contrast to the farms and livestock breeders we usually biked by. I stopped and stared as I usually do.

"Can you believe people lived in that thing?" I questioned, completely mesmerised.

Alex laughed, already pleased with his joke. "Yeah, isn't that the size of your family home?" 

*

On our last night there we had a little dinner party with everyone we had come across at Black Box Studios in the two weeks we had been there. Since this was pretty much the middle of nowhere, there were very few people. But it felt celebratory to end this little project with gloriously catered French food and playing dress-up. It was mainly an excuse for me to wear a vintage dress I had found at a used clothing store in Nantes when I was waiting for a car out to Black Box. 

It was a white drop-waist dress with a little bow on the side of my hip and a skirt with a light lace overlay. It was paired with a cloche hat that I regretfully didn't buy, but I still have the dress. Alex wore a button-down and slacks but Miles and I talked him into wearing a stupid top hat that had been lying around Black Box for the 2 weeks we were there. Alex ended up taking it home with him, although he does not still have it. Miles wore shorts, a grey T-shirt, and a bowtie. 

The food and conversations were far more important with the most delicious potatoes I've ever tasted that were mixed with a sauce that I might forever be wondering what it was but my tongue can still feel the taste. The wine was white and Alex dropped his glass on the floor halfway through the dinner, which he doesn't want me to mention, which means I totally will be mentioning it (obviously).

His arm rested on the back of my chair and our plates had long been cleared and the dessert, Gâteau Nantais (a delicious almond pound cake, soaked in rum, and topped with glaze—I really, really liked these meals), had been picked away at. I was still eating the crumbs of my second slice and Alex drank from his new wine glass. I could see futures, but for the first time, I felt like this was the future. Friends, old and mostly new, surrounded us and we drank and ate and talked and laughed and the warmth of Alex radiated on me. I was in love with everything.

"Will Jane be heading back on the road for North America?" James asked Alex. 

He turned to me with his teeth showing, smiling enough for sparks to come off it. Pride radiated off of him; it still makes me want to cry. "As of this morning, Miss Cavendish has a job with Simon & Schuester." 

When I told Alex, I was cautiously concerned that his worries would overshadow the news, but I never doubted he'd be happy for me. I got the call when he was brushing his teeth. I told him when he returned to our room and he grabbed my hands and made me jump on the bed with him. (Shall I avoid the Monkeys Jumping on the Bed joke?).

The table cheered loudly and drunkenly. "Oh, shit, I know those two boys!" Miles, sooooooo drunk, exclaimed. I bashfully tucked my chin down, avoiding the attention. 

Alex's hand skimmed over my left shoulder. He bent down to kiss my downturned cheek and it was like my crush just kissed the spot—my cheeks flushed red and my heart pounded on the gates of my ribs. 

I waved for the noise to quiet down. "It's just an editorial assistant position."

Alex squeezed my shoulder, looking over at me, and rolling his eyes. "Cut it with that rubbish, Janie. It should have been the first thing we cheers to when we sat down."

He reached for his wine glass and I shoved his arm away. "Stop it. You're flustering me." His breath smelled of Chardonnay and his behavior spelled out drunk—his bubbly drunk phase, which is the most flattering phase. He leaned over kissing my cheeks repeatedly making the table erupt in noise again. I took a grip on his face and tried to push him away.

"I've made you all red," he boasted. Alex's face was all red too but it was likely more to do with the alcohol than me. "It's time to cheers, Janie." He motioned toward my almost empty wine glass. I shook my head. "Time to cheers, Janie," he insisted. 

"You sure you aren't going to drop your glass again?" I teased.

"Oh, shut it, you," he said, but he laughed and tugged me close to him. I almost thought he was going to give my head a noogie.

He drank all the wine out of his glass before raising it. "To Jane Cavendish, Simon & Schuester Editorial Assistant."

*

I started on a Wednesday and I did little editing in my editorial position. But Helen, one of the editors, gave me old drafts they hadn't published and the book and told me to pick all the differences out and she would be quizzing me on it the next day. I went out drinking with Lee and Georgia and came in hungover the next day. Helen said I was the first editorial assistant she had that didn't fall for the quiz prank. That endeared her to me and she became my mentor.

Alex was off doing interviews about virginity for the Virgin Fest and I had never been more thankful I didn't lose my virginity to him. I used to wish that and tell Stacey when assuring her not to lose it so young. But it's probably best since I'd associate the time I lost my virginity with an interviewer from AXS Uncut asking Alex to name virgins.

I had moved back in with Georgia and her new girlfriend, Kyle, who was always a sweetheart, even if she didn't do the dishes. They weren't the annoying kind of couple to live with. They weren't loud and I never felt like the third wheel around them. It was easy for my mind to drift to Alex. I would relive the way Black Box felt. While the majority of it felt like a vacation, at its core, we were coming home each night together. The home is what we lacked on the road and the togetherness is what we lacked at home. I just thought of him being in my bed, sleeping. I always liked the way he looked sleeping.

Alex called more than he did on the last tour. I guess he had learned a lesson. Being in North America was a bit easier than when he'd been in the Eastern Hemisphere since he was only 6 hours behind. He'd call me when I got off work before he'd perform his concert and we would talk of the monotony of my day. A couple of hours later, usually while I was sleeping, he'd text me about how the concert went. It was usually only one word: "Good." "Great." "Best." "Sucked." "Wanker." "Drunk." 

We had fallen into a pattern and although it seemed dull, it was successful. My heart still ached and sometimes the sight of Georgia and Kyle made me want to stick my head in the oven, but he was there when I needed him, even though he couldn't be here.

Working felt comfortable and, for once, I eased into that comfort. I got after-work drinks with editors and fellow editorial assistants. I'd joke around with superiors at work and I'd go home to Georgia and Kyle, who had made dinner for me. Georgia was working various gigs, but still heavily focusing on poetry. Kyle worked as a set developer, which meant our living room looked like a craft store had exploded. I didn't mind. I spent most of my off-time in my room and would only venture to the living room when we watched TV together.

However, when the North American leg finished at the beginning of October, Alex dropped by, and with a clicking of his tongue and the shaking of his head, he said, "Oh, Janie. You've got glitter everywhere." He said this in front of Kyle, so I hit the back of his head and dragged him to my bedroom.

Alex's stay at our flat during October was never agreed upon, he just showed up and I'd never turn him away. A week in, however, Georgia asked me when it was just the two of us in our kitchen, early in the morning before I headed off to work, "So, is he like living with us now?"

I shrugged. "No. I mean, he'll be back on the road before the end of the month."

"How do you feel about that?" What a good therapist she would be.

"Better than last time. I'm occupied now. I don't have to worry about lying around all the time thinking of him."

"You're a big girl now, Cavendish. But if he stays past a month, he will have to pay rent."

I laughed out loud. "I doubt he'll be living here with us."

"All I’m saying is rich rockstar can pitch in on groceries."

I told Alex of this conversation and he took me to the store to point out all of Georgia's favourite food goodies and bought them for her. Georgia felt bad after that until she had Jelly Babies. Then, she insisted Alex buy groceries every week.

On Alex's last night at the flat, he bought takeaway for everyone and watched I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here! with us. Several jokes were made about Alex doing the show, but I don't think Alex could eat a bug or be stuck with Katie Hopkins for a month. After dinner, Georgia and Kyle left for a "late-night poetry reading" or more likely avoid-the-lovebirds game.

Alex and I showered, changed into pajamas, and brushed our teeth together. In two parentheses, curled to bookend one another, Alex brushed his hand down my side. I told him, "I hope you get a good tan in South America."

"I'm too pale for you, Janie?"

"Maybe your butt," I giggled. It was some form of drunk-in-love. I felt rush through me every time he looked at me. It was like taking a hit.

"Wish you could come with us," he said. He was sober in his tone but his eyes were glazed over.

"Me too, but I'm happy here. I love my job and it sucks to not be with you but—"

He smiled—beamed bright and overwhelming. "But you're happy." He curled into me. My manners had transferred to him as he curled his arms around me and dug his face into my neck. "I'll be back for a week in November."

"And you'd come back here?" I questioned. There was a touch of uncertainty in everything we did that year, mostly because we had never even said we were back together and the other part was the reason for our break-up.

Alex lifted his head, his smile still showing. "Yeah." He sounded so happy and sunny. It was a cocoon of bliss. The young love I had always wanted. His fingers traced over my shoulder, making little finger drawings. His eyes looked down on his creation, avoiding my eyes. "And then we've got two shows here in December and then that last show in Manchester, which I thought maybe you could take off work and come up for. It's on a Monday so understandable if you can't."

I smiled at him but I'm unsure if he saw it due to his shy gaze dodging my face. "I'll try my best. I'll definitely be at the London ones."

His face was aglow but attentive to his finger tracing. "And then I was thinking, maybe—I don't know—maybe I'd come back to London."

I lightly chuckled. "You're not banned from the city. You're always welcome here. Georgia and Kyle like you a lot."

"I like them too but I was thinking we could stay somewhere else."

"What? Like a hotel?"

He finally looked me in the eye. "No, maybe we move in together. Like, get our own place. Maybe. It was just a thought."

It pleased me to no end. The thought wrapped its way around me the first time we slept together and over three years later to encounter the reality of it, I couldn't believe it. "A flat for just the two of us?"

"Yeah. I know you like it here but maybe we could find somewhere that I'm not finding specks of glitter all over my clothes."

I giggled all over him. "Yeah, yeah. I'd like that too. I'd like anywhere as long as you're there."

Alex shook his head with a big smile like he couldn't believe it. He hugged me, kissing my cheek, and then...then we did other stuff, you know.

*

People have asked me if Alex plays songs for me. They've imagined a world in which Alex sings me a lullaby every night. And I guess the answer is "yes" but I'd say more of a "sort of" situation. Alex would often strum his guitar to me but not in a dedicative format. It was something he would have done if I was there or if I wasn't. So, I would say he never did it for me.

Except once.

He was back in London and he had arrived late the night before. I was in my jammies and my slippers when he arrived and he made fun of me for my pajama pants that had Christmas elves printed on them. 

I was waiting on my bed for him to return from the bathroom. He came back, chilly from the lack of heating; Georgia and I weren't turning it on again this winter. He paced around my room before he asked, "Can I play you something?"

I furrowed my brows. "Like a song?"

He nodded and picked up his guitar. "I'm gonna do it on Radio 2 tomorrow. Like a little teaser for what's to come."

"So, this is a song for the next album?"

He shrugged. "Maybe." We never talked about the next thing, which was a problem and not a good choice for our reunited relationship.

Alex adjusted his guitar on his lap and sat in front of me, playing "Fire and the Thud" to me. He had never been that overtly romantic in a song before. Songs on the previous two albums never felt like love songs, but rather songs of longing or infatuation. But it felt like he had written this song for me as he played it for me. 

It would be one of the sweetest things anybody has ever done for me if he didn't go on to do even more songs for me. Not to brag or anything.

After he put his guitar down, I curled my arms around his neck and yanked him down with me to lay back on the bed. "You like it?"

"Loved it. I love everything you write."

"Yeah, but you really loved this one right?"

"Sure."

*

A few weeks later, when Alex and I returned from the final show of the Favourite Worst Nightmare tour, we moved into a new flat. Together. I had picked the flat out. Alex said whatever I liked he'll like and I wasn't going to argue being the sole picker. 

We moved in at a record speed, mainly because I had very little stuff and Alex had nothing, everything still back home in his childhood bedroom. My parents had officially moved down to Bath and I had received scathing phone calls from Stacey. I still feel sorry for that poor teenage girl.

Alex and I got a studio, which I liked because it felt artsy and a total adult thing to share a studio with your boyfriend. Later, it would be the start of many fights between Alex and me because I never had any privacy.

We had our bed in one corner, the kitchen in the other, and a small bathroom down the hall. Plus, it was in Clerkenwell, which was closer to work. We had his record player on the floor and a shared dresser. It was a greater act of love than sex or writing songs. It was his things mixed with mine.

We weren't there for very long. We each went back to our family's homes for Christmas, which suddenly was no longer the same area. Our time apart was short and when we returned we cleaned up the rest of our shared apartment and decided to have a New Year's Eve party.

It was wild debauchery from start to finish. Though we provided liquor, it seemed like every guest came with their own stash. I hadn't realized how many friends Alex had in London. His number of guests heavily outweighed mine but it didn't have much of an issue. Everything was communal and it was truly a night where everyone seemed free. Maybe it was the New Year's part or maybe it was being in the start of our early 20s. When I look back on this time, I forget how young I was. 17 and slutting up the streets at Barnsley and how in 4 years, I had obtained an establishing job and lived in London with my boyfriend. It was a dream book experience and like most things it was a small portion of our lives. But I felt straight out of a movie with this ending to the year I had received. 

Katie and I hid in a corner to talk close together to avoid all the noise. We shared a drink and both drowned in heavy alcohol consumption but we loved each other very much and I knew we'd be friends forever (I was very drunk when I thought this and slurred this to her but time has held this statement to be true. Drunk words are sober futures). "I'm going to marry him," I told her. We were watching Jamie attempt to throw Alex over his shoulder, fireman-style. Alex was a sweet ragdoll, laughing about and swaying.

Jamie was the loyal rescuer. "I'm going to marry him too," she slurred back to me. "We'd be like band sisters-in-law."

"Aw," I cooed. "I don't have a sister-in-law." (I mean, I do, my brother's wife, but I was referring more to Alex being an only child and I was wildly drunk. Forgive me, Cecilia).

"Then I can be yours!"

Before midnight, only a minute or so before, Alex and I huddled up in the kitchen with our closest friends of the bunch. Matt and Jamie were arguing about who had drunk more and we all watched on laughing. I was burrowed under Alex's arm. He was the cave I chose to hibernate in this winter.

"Don't forget the beer you had before coming here," Alex egged Matt on.

"Yes! And the beer I had 'fore coming here!" Matt sloppily shouted to Jamie. 

I pulled on Alex's hand he had thrown over me. "Don't they know I'm the drunkest?"

Alex chuckled. "Yes, with that breath you probably are." He was quite sober compared to the rest of us. Mostly because he knew how drunk I would be getting and somebody had to make sure our new place didn't get destroyed. 

I pulled back, offended. "It is not that bad."

"Yes, it is," he laughed.

"So bad you won't kiss me at midnight?" I hung off of him. You'd think we were in some basement in Wakefield.

He moved his hand down to the arch of my back to steady me. "I could never not kiss you."

My eyes snapped over to him, and I raised my eyebrows with a smirk. "Really? I don't recall that being the truth."

He laughed again. "Fair enough." But then he leaned in and kissed me until way after midnight, making out in the kitchen. It was disgusting and I loved the whole thing.

Nick knocked into us as he moved through the kitchen. "I'd tell you to get a room but we're all in it." He laughed, pleased with his joke, and moved to grab another beer.

Later in the evening, Nick threw up on our bed. Nick was the drunkest. 

Somewhere around one in the morning, I sat on Alex's lap and his arms were around me, holding me close to him as I talked to Georgia on one side of the couch and Alex talked to Miles on the other side of the couch. We held separate conversations about separate lives but he held me to him and he held me tight.

*

a/n: sigh, this is all i can think about writing as of late. i am a series girl after all.

[thevelria]

Blood and Poker - Call me when you are ready to date me (SFW/mafia!Gojo x pokerplayer!fem!reader)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Summary: You and your friends go to a casino to have some fun. Since you used to be a pro player you keep winning at the table which gets the attention of the owner. He tries to find out that you are a cheater or a genius.

Author's note: I love poker, I love casinos, I love mafia and I love Gojo. Simple as that lol

Warnings: no warnings.

WordCount: 1.9K

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sliding into your black heels and fixing your tight, mid-thigh long dress before you actually stepped out of your apartment. “I’m on my way, Shoko.” you clicked your tongue. Your childhood friend sometimes was a bit too much but you loved her anyway. “Yes, exactly. I’m literally opening the door downstairs. I already see you.” you started to wave while canceling the call. 

“You are late.” she rolled her eyes.

“Oh, c’mon… 3 minutes.”

“You are still late.” she teased. “Nah, get in the car. Utahime and Meimei are already waiting for us.”

“What about the boys?” you asked as you buckled the safety up. 

“Nanami picks Haibara up and they come with Kento’s car.” 

And what is all the fuss about, you may ask? It was a tradition. You’ve been friends since high school and stuck together even if you grew up. Even when you were at different unis and started to work at different workplaces. All of you gathered in the town twice a year. Once for a nice dinner before Christmas and once for a wasted gambling night in the Spring. Since it was April you were eager to meet your friends and let out all the stress, get wasted and probably win some money. 

It’s been a few years now that you stopped your career as a professional poker player. On a night like this you were able to feel the tension once again, to feel the adrenalin crawling up in your body and you let it spread in your veins. You had a perfect, so-called poker face. No one could read your emotions and you made advantage of that skill whenever you needed to. 

All of you met in front of the entrance, between kisses, hugs and howareyous you looked up for a blink and saw the big neon letters “GOJO”. This casino entered your town not long ago and you were more than happy to give it a try. 

As soon as you stepped in the girls aimed for the bar. 

“The usual?” Utahime asked you.

“Yes, honey. Thank you. I’ll be over at the…”

“Poker table.” Meimei finished your sentence giggling. 

“You know me too well.” you laughed. 

 Yu joined the girls, while Kento decided to escort you to the table you just picked randomly. 

“Tonight is my night, girl.” he leaned closer to you as soon as you took a seat. “I’m gonna win all your sweet money. It will be a perfect revenge for last year’s disaster.”

“You wish, sweetheart.” you petted his thigh. “You wish.”

Round after round you won the pot and kept gathering Kento’s chips, just as the other two player’s, too. Your friend was getting more and more impatient and probably irritated. 

“Fuck…” he hissed. “I’m out.” he rolled his eyes the second you raised the bet on the river. After an hour or so Kento was lacking his chips, maybe they were enough for 2 or 3 more rounds. 

***

“Boss, I need you to come with me please.” Yuuta bowed slightly before Gojo.

“What’s the matter?” he frowned. The head of security called him only when there was something off.

“I think there might be a cheater at one of the poker tables.” he sat down in the security room in front of the countless screens which gave them access to see everything in the casino. “Look! Do you see it at table 7? She keeps winning for one and a half hours straight. There’s no way she doesn’t count the cards…” he shook his head irritated. “Do you want me to kick her out?”

Gojo stepped closer, rubbing his thumb and index finger up and down on his jaw. “Hmm…” he growled as he stared at you. “I will handle her myself.” he spun on his heels and left the room. “Let’s see if you are a cheater or a genius, darling.” he smirked as he hurried his steps towards your table. 

***

“Oh, c’mon!” Nanami threw his hands into the air. “I know you’re bluffing, girl. I’m sure!”

“Am I?” you poked your tongue against your inner cheek. 

“Go, sweety, go!” Yu cheered for you from behind, sitting at a normal table, sipping his drink. He and the girls took a break and decided to watch the painful execution of Nanami Kento’s wallet. 

“Shut your mouth, Haibara!” hissed the blonde haired man, as he pushed his glasses back up on his nose. 

“Show me what you got.” you smiled after the river. At this time only you and him stayed at the table, everyone else gave up and left. 

“I win this. I know I do.” he smirked and flashed a full house with Aces full of Kings.  

“My sweet, Kento, my sweet sweet Kento.” your voice sounded warm and nice which sent shivers down his body.

“What?! WHAT?!” he clenched his jaw. “If you dare to tell me that…”

“Four of a kind…” you revealed your cards “Queens.” you chuckled a bit as the dealer repeated the result and pushed all the chips to you.

“Fuck off! Seriously, just fuck off, girl!” he took a desperately huge breath. 

“Good evening.” a husky voice interrupted the little act at the table. “May I join? It seems this pretty lady is getting lucky, so I would like to try mine, too” the snow white haired man said politely. You missed the quick glance the dealer gave to his boss.

“There’s no luck in this, sir.” you rolled your eyes offended. “I’m simply good at this game.”

He raised his index finger as he took a seat, signing he wanted to join the game anyway.

“If you are an enemy of your own wallet, you can join us.” Nanami hummed.

The cards were dealt and everyone made the bet. You tried to read your newest opponent but him wearing dark sunglasses gave you a hard time. 

“You’re staring.” he smirked.

“I know.” you raised one of your eyebrows.

Kento wanted to show off, even if he was terrible at any card games. Everyone knew it except him. He clicked his tongue, so you already knew he actually had something in his hand. You were holding a 7,2 off, so you dropped them without hesitation. There was no way on Earth you would try anything risky with the most horrible combination you could get.

As you kept staring at the handsome man next to you, he slightly pulled his sunglasses off, flashing his mesmerizingly blue eyes. “Holy fuck!” you thought to yourself. 

Kento wasn’t paying attention, he was sure this time he was going to win the pot. So he of course missed the cheeky wink his opponent gave you before pushing the glasses back up. You bit your lower lip, because even if it was clearer than the sun you couldn’t say a single thing. You rather tried to find out what he could hold. According to the cards on the table after the river you had two possibilities in mind.    

“All in.” he pushed all his chips to the middle of the table.

“Call!” snapped Kento without even thinking for a second. 

“Fuck, Nanami!” you shook your head angrily. “How can you be this stupid!”

“Easy, girl. I got this…” he smirked, flashing his cards. “Four of a kind, Aces.” he kept raising his eyebrows up and down. But the fact his opponent pulled a tiny smile told you more than enough. 

“He has a fucking straight flush, Kento. Why can’t you read the freaking cards?” you hummed a bittersweet laugh.

“How did you know…” he frowned as he showed the Queen and King of hearts in his hand. The dealer placed them right next to the rest of the cards in the middle of the table and called him the winner. 

“Don’t worry.” you turned to Nanami. “I’m gonna win your money back.” you winked at him.

“Will you?” your opponent chuckled. “By the way I’m Satoru.” he offered his hand for a shake. 

“Nice to meet you.” you nodded. 

“It’s my pleasure to play with a woman like you.” he tried to smooth talk.

“Stop flirting and make the bet.” you pretended to yawn. 

Gojo pulled his hand back and slightly smiled. Your cheeky attitude amazed him. 

As you promised your friend after a few rounds you had all the chips. 

“Your girlfriend is very very talented.” he turned to Nanami.

“Girlfriend? Her? I would never ever date her…” he bursted out in a loud laughter.

You punched him hard in the shoulder. “Asshole.” 

“You see?” Nanami tilted his head a bit.

“Only a fool wouldn’t date a beautiful lady like her.” he looked you in the eyes. That was the moment he got your attention. 

***

Gojo had no intention in telling you he was the owner of the place, rather he invited you for a drink at the bar. You stepped to your friends and promised them you were going to be back soon.

“Girl! Don’t be ridiculous!” Meimei chuckled. “This guy is hot as fuck. Go get him.”

“A Gin-tonic, please.” you sat down at the bar.

“Actually, two.” Gojo took a seat next to you. 

The second you wanted to pay for your drink the bartender smiled and said “It’s on the house, miss.” 

You were surprised but didn’t turn down the free drink. Satoru started to ask you questions about your skill and you ended up telling him your story.

“I used to be a pro player.” you pulled a painful smile. “But I had to quit and since then I rarely play.” 

“You are full of surprises, I am honestly amazed.”

The hours flew by and even if you had fun it was time to end the night. 

“The casino has hotel rooms as well.” Gojo offered it smoothly.

“Thanks.” you stood up and placed your palm on his shoulder. “But I don’t do one night stands anymore.”

He smirked at your comment and grabbed a business card in his pocket, handing it to you as he stood up as well. “I’m not interested in one night stands either. Call me when you are ready to date me.” he gave a quick kiss on your cheek and left. 

You stared at the card in your hand and frowned, because you were sure you'd seen his name somewhere. As you walked out of the building and turned around there it was. The huge neon letters “GOJO” right above the entrance flashed into your face. You grabbed your phone right away and sent him a text message.

“Why didn’t you say you own this whole place?”

“Does it matter?” he texted you back almost immediately. 

You hummed a laugh, because he made a point. “No, actually it does not matter.” 

***

The next morning you were woken up by your ringing phone. 

“Yeah?” you picked up, being barely awake.

“So, are you ready to date me, yet?” Gojo’s husky voice made you smile. 

“Uhm…” you had no idea what to say.

“I’ll pick you up at 7 sharp.” he hung up. 

“Well, it seems I’m gonna have a date tonight.” you blinked a few times before a question popped in your mind. “Wait! How the hell does he know my address?” 

You had no idea that Gojo Satoru wasn’t only an owner of a casino. No. He was the head of one the biggest mafia families in the whole country. 

[cloveroctobers]

OCTOBER PROMPTS 🎃 — 13. Tara Carpenter

A/N: The way y’all voted on that poll was a true landslide lol I guess I didn’t realize how huge the tara stans are. So here goes something for my final fall prompt, hope this doesn’t flop like scream 7 will 🤭🤫🫠 but this is a short and simple ending so I do hope you enjoy this.

PROMPTS are from HERE & HERE + I’m using: going to a pumpkin patch + “you look cold, do you want a hug?” + “you think someone died here?”

WARNINGS: slight language I think? Dark humor. Age-difference: with Tara being twenty-one and oc/reader being twenty-five/six + Chad and Tara never became a thing in this timeline!

<- read my previous october anthology prompt here.

⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊✧˖°. ☼ ⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊✧˖°. ☼ ⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊✧˖°. ☼ ⁺˚⋆｡°✩ ⁺˚

Being at a pumpkin patch in mid-November when the skies were painted like pale ice in a frozen lake and the trees lost their copper leaves for good was questionable for Tara. The air no longer had its crispness to it but it started to feel more along the lines of a wild animal taking bites out of your face here in New York. However Tara couldn’t find herself complaining—well despite the fact that Sam turned this into a group outing—Tara couldn’t wait to see Johnnie.

Johnnie was Sam’s age, older than Tara, and easily became likable in Tara’s eyes although Sam often gave Johnnie a hard time even in the beginning. Of course they still had to be cautious but Tara always stood on the fact that she just wanted to live life after it’s been at risk of being taken away for good. She wouldn’t be as naive as last year but something about Johnnie had Tara’s insides turning into mush—in a good way though—not in a decaying guts kind of way.

The train ride was recommended by Johnnie to her family’s farm from the city and that became a whole debacle between the friends, until Tara waved her phone in the air saying that she already purchased a ticket while the rest could spend forever trying to figure out what they wanted to do. Mindy found this humorous how whenever Johnnie was mentioned, Tara made it her mission to be tuned into the conversation if she checked out.

Mindy was the first to pick up on the signs before Tara did and took great pride in Tara coming to her first out of the core four. Chad would argue against that saying he was actually the first since Tara did start to vent when they pulled a all nighter together. However he actually had no clue who Tara could be talking about and ended up eavesdropping when she chatted to Mindy one afternoon when he was supposed to be studying…basically pick a twin to believe at this point.

Tara couldn’t wipe the smile off her face on the train ride, fingers rapidly flying over her screen to the dimpled grin on her face when she spotted Johnnie helping out at the entrance of her family’s pumpkin patch.

“They’re with me, cousin.” Johnnie informs the family member with hair as white as snow, before grabbing up the walkie to contact someone else to head to the front and help out, now being off the clock with her friends here.

“Can we get more free perks for Christmas?” Chad asks as they briefly embrace and Johnnie rolls her eyes.

Johnnie folded her arms, “Why? So you can continue bringing your flings around and eat their tongues instead of enjoying the scenery?”

Chad frowned, “who are these flings that you speak of? I’m here enjoying the pumpkins with my favorite sister.”

As he goes to toss an arm over the curly haired girl’s shoulder, she shoves him away, “save it for the jury, Chad. I saw you eyeing that pretty girl with the shell earrings and racer jacket not too long ago.”

“I mean…she could be the one.” Chad couldn’t even bother to deny his wandering eyes.

Sam, Mindy, and Tara all share a groan while Danny snickers at Chad’s usual antics before being elbowed by Sam.

“Hey Tara,” Johnnie says, falling into step with the smaller girl; after informing everyone of the many activities the farm included.

Tara smiles up at her, “Hey Johnnie…remind me why we’re going pumpkin hunting so late into the season?”

“Well…I’m having a Friendsgiving next weekend at my spot and…that maybe partly true but I also wanted to hang out with you again before that.” Johnnie was honest with this, which made Tara slowly nod her head in appreciation.

Johnnie used to attend the same university as the three, received her degrees, started her business of creating designs on amputee’s prosthetics and moved to New Jersey two months ago to purchase her own home. So her having her shit together was definitely inspiring (and not to mention attractive) in Tara’s eyes and although she didn’t have everything figured out herself, one thing she was sure of: spending time with Johnnie felt right, scary yet comfortable and safe.

“Ohhh that’s right, I almost forgot about that.” Tara widens her eyes in realization, cursing to herself that she actually did forget about this but knew she could blame it on being swamped in school work, while Johnnie stumbles.

With a hand on her chest, she sighs playfully, “you wound me carpenter.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Tara replies with a longing stare as they approach the line in front of a few booths.

Johnnie leans towards Tara who doesn’t realize she’s holding her breath, “what’re you in the mood for?”

“…hmm?” Tara asks, quickly pulling her eyes back to the line when Johnnie tries to catch her eye.

Johnnie laughs, “the menu. Anything catch your interest?”

“Well,” Tara starts as the autumn chill washes over the attendees on the farm, making her hunch her mesh covered shoulders a bit and clasp her hands together, “what would you recommend?”

“Everything.”

Tara scoffs as Johnnie winks at her.

“Can you even see the menu up ahead?”

“I’m not blind.”

“Nah, just short.” Johnnie teases while Tara quickly tosses a middle finger at the older girl.

Johnnie laughs to herself, picking up on tara’s attire which failed to keep her warm on this breezy farm. So Johnnie takes the opportunity to stand behind Tara instead, who is now bouncing on her tippy toes to what may seem like she was attempting to see the menu but it was probably to keep her blood flowing better.

Tara’s almost ready to swing until her belly realizes the familiar rasp by her ear, “you look cold, do you want a hug?”

Before her mouth can fumble out an answer, tatted hands come into Tara’s view as Johnnie locks her arms across Tara’s shoulders. She doesn’t find herself going stiff but easily welcomes Johnnie’s touch. A small smile graces Tara’s lips as her eyes fall in love with the dainty details of ink that decorate Johnnie’s skin. The artwork tells a story of Johnnie’s big heart which some may view as a contrast to her androgynous exterior much like the striking scar through Tara’s palm. That same scar Johnnie lightly draws a fingertip over from time to time and does so right now as Tara buries her nose against the side of Johnnie’s tatted other thumb.

Tara can even smell the balance of scents on Johnnie’s warm skin, a light creamy but earthy scent that makes Tara envision curling underneath blankets and staring out at Misty mountains instead of crowded streets full of loud voices, and suspicious faces. A sense of serenity that Tara wasn’t sure she’d ever find until she met Johnnie.

“What ya smiling at?”

Tara pries her eyes open, knowing she had been caught but keeps her eyes on the line that she didn’t realize moved forward some. “Nothing. You just think you’re so smooth when you could have been said you wanted to hold my hand earlier.”

Johnnie quickly places a peck to Tara’s temple so fast that she thinks she imagines it, “I want to do more than just hold your hand,” Johnnie ends up whispering before unraveling herself from Tara, who has to fight to hold herself up right.

“S’orry.” She mutters to those behind her as Johnnie takes the lead, heading right up to the stand, falling into small chatter with the worker before introducing an awkward Tara.

Tara is wide eyed as Johnnie banters back and forth for a little before they both set eyes on Tara.

“What?” Tara raises a brow, finding that she’s zoned out again just gazing at Johnnie socialize.

“You strike me as a apple nacho’s kinda girl.” The male worker says while Johnnie pretends to think about it.

“I’d say a apple cider donut but you’re of course welcome to try whichever or anything else on the board.” Johnnie responds, “on me.”

Tara tilts her head to the side, “what’re you getting?”

“The apple nachos,” Johnnie states.

Tara nods, “then I’ll get the donut…as long as you share.”

“Sure, sure. Anything you want,” Johnnie beams before turning back to the man, “you heard the lady!”

“Yeah, yeah.” He fans Johnnie with a knowing look before shouting out to the cooks off to the side.

With a carton tray full of crisp apple pastries—nachos, a side of caramel, two forks, and a yellow bag full of mini apple cider donuts, the two continued traveling through the large field together.

“Where have these been my entire life?” Tara groans after savoring the dessert.

Johnnie laughs, “right up here on this farm, I take it you’re enjoying those nachos?”

“Enjoying? More like I’d love to marry them! Can’t you tell by the way I’m murdering these bitches?! Perfect crunch on the outside and crisp from the apple on the inside, all with a side of caramel sauce?! It’s so delicious to the point i can’t even apologize for the noises you’re hearing because it’s your fault and I hope we finish them before the rest try to get any.” Tara admits through her rant while Johnnie abruptly stops.

Tara lifts her head, ready to question what was going on but Johnnie steered them in a different direction, “then we better head the other way since they’re all up by the goats and llamas.”

“Good call,” Tara says peeking over her shoulder to see Sam all cuddled up with Danny.

Disgustingly so.

Johnnie’s family farm was nice to be at although the temperature was constantly dropping but there weren’t many people out this evening, which was fine by Tara. The further they circled around the farm the closer they got to one of the rides here. It was the Ali baba—the large swing on the boot of a bulldozer? The pair stood beside each other outside the gate, watching as a few faces disappeared higher into the now gravel colored sky from side to side.

“you think someone died here?” Tara asks around the donut she previously stuffed her freckled face with.

Johnnie glances at tara and rotates to her better ear, “huh?”

The air from the ride and the earth along with the carnival music made it a bit difficult but after tara finishes the donut she speaks a bit louder, repeating the question, “you think someone died here?”

A couple shoot Tara a nasty look as they exit from behind the fence and Johnnie smirks at them with a mocking wave, leaning against the metal gate. Tara let’s out a snort as she leans towards Johnnie.

“Where’s that coming from?” Johnnie sweeps Tara’s bangs to the side.

Tara shrugs, “apparently horror films are not just a one month thing with Mindy. We’re now on your favorite series: final destination.”

Johnnie dips her head in understanding, “Ah,” and almost feels flattered that Tara remembered, “well this farms been open for about fifteen years and that ride’s only been around for the past five maybe? As far I know…no deaths. Why? You wanna get on?”

“Hell yeah I do,” Tara nods with a grin, “and I don’t care that I may puke everything up. As long as you promise to hold my hand.”

Johnnie taps her chin before matching Tara’s smile after lightly pressing their foreheads together, “I think I can do that, babe.”

‘Babe?!’ Tara thinks to herself as Johnnie takes their trash to the nearest barrel before meeting Tara half way with her hand held out.

And Tara doesn’t hesitate as she slips her smaller hand into Johnnie’s tatted one. She gives Tara’s hand a squeeze, fingers interlocked which Tara gazes down at while Johnnie watches Tara. When tara flicks her brown doe eyes back to meet Johnnie’s, they smile sweetly once more, feeling like this could be the start of—nope not something new! but a romance worth taking a stab-wait that’s not right either! chance on.

⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊✧˖°. ☼ ⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊✧˖°. ☼ ⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊✧˖°. ☼ ⁺˚⋆｡°✩ ⁺˚

[matttgirlies]

Matt & Me🎀

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24

a story heavily based on Priscilla Presley’s Book “Elvis & Me” based in the 1950’s - 1970’s.

fem! reader x singer! matt

disclaimer!! - in no way am i saying matt would ever support or do these kind of things, for the sake of the book certain unethical things do happen at times.

warnings - mentions of drug use

y/nn = your nickname for any confusion🩷

Chapter 11

Matt Sturniolo created his own world; only in his own environment did he feel secure, comfortable, and protected. A genuine camaraderie was created at Graceland. We lived as one big family, eating, talking, arguing, joking, playing, and traveling together.

Although I became friends with the guys in Matt’s retinue, he never let me, or anyone else, forget that I was his girl. I was never to get too close or become too familiar with any of the regulars.

One evening, after we came home from a movie, we said good night to everyone and went upstairs. Returning to the kitchen a few minutes later to get something to eat, I found Jerry Schilling, who’d just started working for Matt, making himself a snack. We started talking. A few minutes later, Matt appeared.

“What the hell are you two doing down here?” he shouted at us.

Intimidated, Jerry said, “Well, Matt, we were just talking. I was asking her how she felt, because she didn’t feel well this afternoon.”

“I came down to get something to eat,” I explained.

“y/nn, you don’t need to be roaming around here late at night,” he said, angrily ordering me upstairs.

Behind me, I could hear him lashing out at Jerry. “If you want to keep this job, son, you mind your own business. If there’s anyone who’s going to ask her how she feels, it’ll be me. You better mind your own goddamn business.”

I liked Jerry. He was warm, sincere, and very personable; just a couple of years older than I, he was one of the few people who I could relate to. But from that time on, it was a dodging match every time we’d run into each other. Now Jerry and I laugh about the “good old days” when we reminisce.

Most of the boys who worked for Matt had been around from the beginning and they knew all about him—his sense of humor, his sensitivity, and his temper. He stripped himself bare in front of them, and they accepted him for what he was.

Yet working for Matt was a twenty-four-hour-a-day job, and the boys were at his beck and call constantly. They played when he played and slept when he slept. It took a certain kind of personality to put up with his demands, whether they made sense or not.

“Come on, y/nn, let’s go to Los Angeles. I’ll show you where I film movies.,” he said one afternoon when we’d only been up for a few hours. He called downstairs and told Alan to alert everyone that he wanted to leave within the hour.

Alan said, “Okay, Boss. I think Richard and Gene are still sleeping. I’ll give ’em a call and tell ’em to come right over.”

“Their lazy asses are still sleeping?” Matt asked. “I’ve been up for two goddamn hours. They should have been over here by now. Alan, from now on, when I call down for my breakfast, call the boys and tell them I’m up and to be ready for anything, and that may include me not even coming downstairs. I just want them here.”

Demanding? Yes, but Matt could be just as generous. By today’s standards the boys’ salaries were not high—the average paycheck was $250 a week—but if the boys ever felt the pinch by the end of the month, they would go to Matt. They’d ask him if he could help them out with a down payment on a house or the first and last months’ payments on an apartment. Matt always came through for them, lending them the one thousand or five thousand or ten thousand dollars they asked for. He was rarely if ever paid back.

There also was no limit to the expensive gifts he gave them—television consoles for Christmas, bonus checks, Cadillac convertibles, Mercedes-Benzes. If he heard someone was sad or depressed, he loved to surprise them with a gift, usually a brand-new car. When he gave to one, he would usually end up giving to all.

James didn’t have much respect for the guys. He said Matt just gave and gave and gave, and they took and took and took. He’d say, “Son, we have to save.” Matt would answer, “It’s only money, Dad. I just have to go out and make more.”

James resented the regulars acting as if Graceland was their personal club. They’d go into the kitchen at any hour and order anything they wanted. Naturally, everyone ordered something different. The cooks worked night and day keeping them happy. James felt, “To hell with the boys. Their main concern should be Matt.”

What was really outrageous was that the regulars were ordering sirloin steaks or prime ribs while Matt usually ate hamburgers or peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

I wasn’t too popular around Graceland when I started reorganizing the kitchen. I set down a policy of having one menu per meal, and anyone who didn’t like what was on it could go to a local restaurant. This new edict resulted in much grumbling from the guys, but the cooks were relieved, and James sanctioned my decision, announcing, “It’s about time someone organized the meals. It was beginning to look like we were feeding half of Boston.”

Matt was the boss, the provider, and the power. Both the boys and I had to protect him from people who annoyed or irritated him and were no longer in his favor. Before coming down for the evening, he’d have me call downstairs to check who was there. I’d run down the guests, aware that certain names would strike him wrong.

“Shit,” he’d say, his mood destroyed. “What’s he want? Bring me some more bad news?” He’d stay up in his room rather than spend an evening with someone he didn’t like. There was one particular regular who had incurred his disfavor, and Matt told everyone he didn’t want him around. “Don’t let him through those goddamn gates!” Matt ordered. “All I have to do is look at his face and I get depressed.” Matt barred him from Graceland for a number of years, saying, “If he changes his morbid attitude, maybe I’ll change my mind.” His perceptions were correct, as these “friends” eventually betrayed him.

Matt and James kept some of their relatives at a distance because, as Matt explained to me, they’d shunned him when he was growing up, ridiculing him as a sissy, a mama’s boy. Mary Lou stood up for Matt and told his tormentors to go their own way. Angrily, she had said, “Don’t bother us with these accusations.”

Then fame and fortune hit, and suddenly all the kinfolk came around, begging for jobs or crying that they needed help. Sometimes Matt got upset, charging, “The only time they visit is with their hand out. It’d be nice if they’d come around just to see how I was doing. But hell no, it’s always, ‘Ah, Matt, I could use a little extra cash. Could you help me out?’ Hell, I’ll bet when I’m dead and gone, they’ll still be taking advantage.” But Matt ended up slipping each of them a hundred dollars or more every time they came around. If it had been up to James, he would have gotten rid of every one of them. But Matt kept saying, “No, Dad, they don’t have any place to go. They couldn’t work anywhere. Keep them here.”

From the beginning of his success, Matt put many family members on salary, and all had titles. James was his business manager; Patsy, his personal secretary; uncles Vester Sturniolo and Johnny and Travis Smith, and cousin Harold Lloyd, gate guards; cousins Billy, Bobby, and Gene, personal aides; and then there was Tracy Smith, who seemed to go from brother to brother for support. Matt took care of everyone.

I remember one night at Graceland when Matt came back to the kitchen and saw Tracy pacing the floor. “Hey, Tracy,” he said, “How ya doing, man?” Tracy, his hands in his pockets, could hardly look Matt in the eye. “I don’t know, Matt,” he sighed. “What do ya mean, you don’t know? Everyone knows how they’re doin’, man.”

Tracy, shifting back and forth, mumbled, “I got my nerves in the dirt, Matt.” Matt staggered back, laughing. “Nerves in the dirt! Hell, I never heard it expressed like that before. You need some money, Tracy?”

Again, Tracy just shifted back and forth, as Matt called Nate over and told him to give Tracy a bill. A big smile covered Tracy’s lined face as he happily took his hundred dollars and walked out the door.

Matt knew that having his nerves in the dirt was Tracy’s way of saying he was down and out—and worried sick about it. He never forgot that phrase. “Poor ol’ Matt,” he’d say. “I’ll never forget the look on his face that night, poor ol’ guy.”

That was Matt—always caring, always sensitive to everyone’s needs, even while presenting a macho image to his fans and friends.

Anything I could think of doing for him, I did. I made sure Graceland was always warm and inviting, with the lights turned low, as he preferred them, the temperature in his bedroom set to his exact desire (freezing), and the kitchen filled with the aroma of his favorite meals.

Every night before dinner was served, I came downstairs first, checked with the maids to see that his food was just the way he liked it—his mashed potatoes creamily whipped, plenty of cornbread, and his meat burnt to perfection. I always had candles on the dining room table to create a romantic atmosphere despite the fact that we always ate with several of the regulars.

I loved babying Matt. He had a little-boy quality that could bring out the mother instinct in any woman, a beguiling way of seeming utterly dependent. It was this aspect of his charm that made me want to hold him, shower him with affection, protect him, fight for him, and yes, even die for him. I went to extremes in taking care of him, from cutting his steak at dinner to making sure his water glass was always filled. I enjoyed pampering and spoiling him and found myself jealous of others vying for his attention and approval.

But I didn’t always receive his approval. If something went wrong with his dinner, Matt blew up. “Why isn’t this steak done? Why didn’t you make sure the maids cooked it right? If you’d have done your job, it wouldn’t have turned out like this.” Obviously something else was wrong, and I didn’t recognize it at the time. Because of the continuous pressures and problems in Matt’s life, all magnified by taking prescribed drugs, little things would set him off. I took responsibility for everything in his life and always took it all too personally.

I wanted to be with Matt as much as I could, but while going to the movies or the fairgrounds every night might have been a wonderful way for him to relax, it posed an enormous problem for me. Often I wouldn’t get home until 5 or 6 a.m., and I’d have to be at school two hours later. Sometimes I never went to sleep. When I did, I could barely make it out of bed. I would lie there trying to drum up the strength to face the day, Matt making it even harder by suggesting that I sleep in and cut classes. It would have been so easy to go along with his suggestion, but hanging over me was the agreement I’d made with my parents. They trusted me and even though I was letting them down, I still had to keep up the facade.

Day after day I drove to school, attended classes till noon, then returned to Graceland to slip back into bed and cuddle next to Matt, who was still sound asleep. When he awoke at 3 or 4 p.m., I might never have left his side for all he knew. I was there to give him his usual order of orange juice, a Spanish omelet, home-fried potatoes, a mere two pounds of bacon, and—first and foremost—his black coffee.

Everyone who knew Matt was aware that it took him at least two to three hours to wake up fully. Asking him to make a decision, even a simple one such as what movie he wanted to see that night, was ill-advised. He was just too groggy and irritable from the sleeping pills, which were causing him to sleep as many as fourteen hours a day. It seemed only natural for him to take some Dexedrine to wake up.

I was always concerned about his intake of sleeping pills. His horror of insomnia, compounded with a family history of compulsive worrying, caused him to down three or four Placidyls, Seconals, Quaaludes, or Tuinals almost every night—and often it was a combination of all four. When I expressed my concern, he just picked up the medical dictionary, always near at hand on his night table.

“In here is the explanation for every type of pill on the market, their ingredients, side effects, cures, everything about them,” he assured me. “There isn’t anything I can’t find out.”

It was true. He was always reading up on pills, always checking to see what was on the market, and which ones had received FDA approval. He referred to them by their medical names and knew all their ingredients. Like everyone else around him, I was impressed with his knowledge and certain that he was an expert. One would think he had a degree in pharmacology. He always assured me that he didn’t need pills, that he could never become dependent on them. This difference in opinion resulted in many serious confrontations; I always compromised my integrity and ended up taking his viewpoint.

I began taking sleeping pills and diet pills too. Two Placidyls for him and one for me. A Dexedrine for him and one for me. Eventually Matt’s consumption of pills seemed as normal to me as watching him eat a pound of bacon with his Spanish omelet. I routinely took “helpers” in order to get to sleep after wild rides at the fairgrounds or early-morning jam sessions. And I routinely took more “helpers” when I woke up in order to maintain the fast pace and, more importantly, to study for my final exams.

During the last month before finals, I started popping more dexies than before. They seemed to give me the energy I needed to get through classes and homework. Every free moment was devoted to cramming a whole semester’s work into a few weeks. But my concentration was scattered; the strain of life at Graceland had finally caught up with me.

I had already been warned by Sister Adrian that in order for me to graduate, I had to pass all my subjects. During a talk in her office, I wanted desperately to confide in her and explained how hard it was to maintain my grade level with the late hours I kept: But how could I tell that to a nun?

I had no real goals after graduation, but I did sometimes dream of becoming a dancer or possibly enrolling in an art academy. Now I realize that I was deeply influenced by Matt’s casual attitude toward continued schooling. He figured I didn’t need it and I agreed. Just being with him most of the time would provide an education—not to mention experience—that no school could give me. He wanted me to be his totally, free to go to him in an instant if he needed me.

That sounded great to me. I’d never planned on a future without Matt. Therefore, while my classmates were deciding which colleges to apply to, I was deciding which gun to wear with what sequined dress. I was tempted to say to Sister Adrian, “Oh, by the way, Sister, does gunmetal gray go with royal blue sequins?” With that attitude it was no surprise that I was still woefully unprepared for my most hated subject, algebra, the week before finals.

On the day of the test, I sat in the crowded classroom, hyper from downing a dexy, trying to work out the problems. Despite my effort, I knew there was no way I was going to pass. I started to panic. I had to graduate. I had an obligation to Matt and to my parents, who I knew would yank me out of Graceland the minute I failed this test. I glanced at the girl next to me—and at her completed test paper. It’s my last resort, I thought. I’m going for it. I was not willing to face the consequences of being sent home for failing this test.

Her name was Janet and she was a straight A student. I tapped her on the shoulder and flashed my brightest smile, whispering, “Are you a Matt fan?” Taken aback by my question, Janet nodded yes. “How would you like to come to one of his parties?” I asked.

“Are you kidding?” she replied. “I’d love to.”

“Well, I know a way that it can be arranged.”

I eyed her test paper and explained. Janet instantly grasped my dilemma and, without a word, slid her paper to the edge of her desk. Now I had a full view of her answers. I spent the rest of the hour furiously copying them down and I not only passed, but I got an A on that test.

I hadn’t expected Matt to make much of my graduation. His attitude was, “A diploma’s not that important; life’s experiences are.” But to my surprise, he really looked forward to it and arranged to have a big party for our friends after the ceremony. There he presented a beautiful red Corvair, my first car.

On the big night he was like a proud parent. Nervous about what he should wear to the ceremony, he finally settled on a dark blue suit, and I put on my navy blue gown. I couldn’t possibly keep the cap on over that mass of teased hair.

Matt had a limo waiting for us out front. But there was one problem: I did not want him to come to the actual ceremony. It would attract a lot of attention, and all eyes would be focused on him instead of the graduating seniors.

Finally I worked up enough courage to ask him to wait outside, and explained why. Smiling his funny little grin, the one that came to his lips when he was hurt or upset, he agreed without hesitation. “I hadn’t thought about that,” he said. “I won’t come in. I’ll just be outside in the car waiting for you. That way I’ll kinda be there.”

And that was what he did. I accepted my diploma with mixed emotions. I would have loved for him to have been watching, but only I knew what a physical, emotional, and mental strain it had been to get that piece of paper. To me, it represented freedom, freedom to stay out until dawn if I wanted and sleep all day if I wanted. It represented freedom from my school uniform and from the teasing the entourage subjected me to every time they caught me in it trying to sneak past them at Graceland. I was a big girl playing in the big leagues.

As soon as I could get away, I ran outside. In front of the church, Matt and the boys were standing by the long black limo, looking like the Chicago Mafia in their dark glasses and suits, each concealing a.38. Around them a group of nuns were clamoring for Matt’s autograph.

Excerpt from: "Elvis and Me" by Priscilla Beaulieu Presley. Scribd. This material may be protected by copyright.

a/n - so cute🎀

[ldrfanatic]

when the sun came up

theodore nott x reader "13 series" part 7

warnings - gore, death, alterations to the original storyline (major), a little like half-assed angsty in the beginning

series masterlist <previous chapter next chapter>

slytherin boys works

The day that Theodore Nott left, something died inside of you. No one expected anything less really. And with Hermione gone as well, you quickly began to feel like you were just a floating ball of tears and need. An unquenchable kind of need that settled over you for days on end with no clear stop in sight. And it was no secret why.

Still, in the weeks that followed you found yourself holding tightly to Ginny Weasley, a new close friend of yours. She was perhaps the only person that truly understood. The two of you spent a lot of late nights just talking. Sometimes crying, and a lot of hours of worrying, but mostly just talking.

You snagged another orange slice as you looked out on the rolling fields through Ginny's bedroom window. "Everything is going to be so different. I've never really had Hogwarts without Theo." Ginny hummed in agreeance and you knew she understood.

A knock at the door caused the both of you to jump. By the confused look on Ginny's face, neither of you had a clue who it was.

"Yes?"

George's red head poked through the door. "The Order wants you downstairs," When Ginny stood with you, George gave her a sympathetic look. "Sorry, sis. Just Y/n."

Surprisingly, Ginny didn't argue. She just nodded and plopped back down on the bed. That should have been your first indication, but nonetheless, you followed George downstairs to where the Order had gathered around the Weasley kitchen table. All of the big members (what was left of them) were there. Kingsley Shacklebolt, Remus Lupin, Tonks, and of course, the Weasleys, born in and otherwise. It was almost comical to see so many people scrunched around the charming but rickety old dining room table.

"Now dear, we have something to tell you, and you can't freak out." Mrs. Weasley spoke first. Then an uncomfortable silence settled, before Remus continued.

"Our next mission is a raid." All eyes fixed on you nervously. "On Nott Manor."

As the words left his mouth, you were sure a curse hit you. Your ears immediately began ringing, and your mouth dried up almost instantly. "We're telling you this because we don't want you to do anything irrational. Our contact has told us that Nott Sr. has something very important to Voldemort's Supporters."

"I'm going."

You spoke before you realized the words were leaving your mouth.

"That's out of the question. There's a good chance Theodore will be there. Though we do not question the boy's loyalty, there's no telling how seeing him will sway your emotions."

Your eyes rolled so hard you actually feared they might stick to the back of your skull. "It's not like I'm gonna see him and explode with rage. I just want answers." You crossed your arms and popped your hip, facing the group before you with an unwavering stare. "Besides, do any of you actually know where Nott Manor is or how to get in?"

When silence followed, you nodded your head.

"That's what I thought. I do. Theo took me one year for Christmas when his father was still in Azkaban. You need me to get in."

Mrs. Weasley approached you with a stern look. Both of her hands cradled either side of your face. You didn't think you'd seen the woman so dead serious in your life.

"You keep your wits about you. Theodore may have been your first love, but he's never been the only person that loved you."

Looking at Nott Manor now it was hard not to remember the way it looked when you were there last December. It was the height of your relationship. Theo had taken to moving all of the living room furniture so that the two of you could dance in front of the fire while the snow fell outside the window.

Tonks, Remus, Mr. Weasley, Kingsley, and Bill had all accompanied you to Nott Manor. It wasn't a mission that demanded the full presence of the order, but it was deemed dangerous enough to bring at least a few of the heavy hitters.

You walked up to the large silver gates. There was a snake which was wrapped around the tops of the bars and sat up with it's jaws wide open in a 'hiss'. He slid across the top and wrapped around the center bar slithering downwards until it was hanging nearly halfway off, fangs now extended to you.

Your arm outstretched almost subconsciously. A memory flashed through your mind at you felt the snake's teeth pinch your skin to draw blood.

It was the day after Christmas. Theo had you outside of the gates which secured the impressive Nott estate. He held out his wand and muttered a few enchantments in an ancient sounding language. He took a vile of your blood which he'd carefully extracted with your permission and poured it into the snake's waiting mouth.

"You cannot tell anyone about this, Y/n," He turned to you with a serious look. "Typically, only someone of Nott descent may open the gates. But if you ever need somewhere safe to go. Come here, and hide in the cellar. I'll have it stocked for you. No one will find you there."

You were jarred from your reminiscence by a loud creaking. The enormous gates had swung open. What had looked like an immeasurable amount of trees began to split into a path. At the end of the cobblestone stood a darkly colored mansion. Flickering lights in the window confirmed that someone was home.

"Everyone be careful. There aren't supposed to be too many Death Eaters inside, but we haven't heard from anyone in a few weeks. This is primarily a rescue mission. Once someone has hands on Theodore, signal to the others and evacuate immediately."

The battle was over just as quickly as it began. In truth, only Mulciber and Nott Sr. were inside. They were standing around a beat up looking Theo, who'd been tied to a chair with magical bonds that took Remus a few tries to undo.

Once he'd succeeded, Mr. Weasley took the unconscious boy into his arms and you all quickly escaped the estate before more Death Eaters could follow. With nowhere to hold Mulciber and Nott Sr., you were forced to leave them on the floor.

After what seemed like an eternity, you made it back to the Burrow. Theo was resting soundly on the couch. Mrs. Weasley had taken to healing those of his injuries that she could while he slept.

Theo shot straight up on the couch when you sat on the chair next to him as though he sensed your presence.

"Y/n."

You immediately sprung to his side and began pushing him back into a laying position.

"Hey! You need rest. Matriarch's orders."

A cocky smirk pulled at his lips. His eyes were half closed and he stretched languidly. The sounds of popping joints filled the air.

"What are you smiling at?"

Theo shrugged with a half smile that tugged on your heartstrings.

"Just you. Fretting over me. It feels... familiar."

Your arms crossed tightly over your chest and your mouth dropped into a frown.

"Don't think I've forgotten about you leaving me. That was a really mean thing you did Theodore Aurelius Nott. And don't give me that 'protection bullshit'."

"It was to protect you."

"Theo, we were the only good thing in a really fucked up world. And you hit the brakes on us way too soon. I know it got dark, really dark, but the sun is up now. And here we are."

"I know, I know. It was so much. So scary to think I might lose you. I know I walked out, I know I used it as an excuse keep you safe. But I can't be without you. When I'm with you, the monsters are just... trees. The dark lifts when I'm with you. And now the sun is up. And here we are."

You reached over and squeezed Theo's hand.

"I'm still really upset with you. And we still have a lot of fighting ahead of us. But it feels like we're finally coming out of the woods."

<taglist>

@moonlightreader649 @svt-dk97 @thatdammchickennugget @helendeath @fandom-life-12 @bouquetolegoflowers @maryvibess

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for asking my girlfriend to make time for me when she is busy and dealing with medical issues? (🤠 to find later)

I know this sounds bad. This is a messy situation and I’ve received very different answers but I’ve yet to provide anybody with the full story.

Me (FTM, this is important later) and my girlfriend (both teens) have been dating for almost 7 months. Everything seemed perfect the first couple of months. It’s important to mention that we started dating as a lesbian couple. I came out as trans about two months in and I’m afraid that’s where things started going downhill.

She identified as lesbian when we first started dating but now identifies as bisexual. Then she came out to me as being on the aromantic and asexual spectrum. I have zero issues with this. It took a bit to get used to but it didn’t change much about our relationship. I never treated her any differently because of this besides respecting her new boundaries.

She’s grown distant though. I barely talk to her anymore. Enter Z. Her older brother by two years. When she talks to me, it is always about Z. A lot of the time she misses my messages and can’t hang out, it’s because she already told Z that she would hang out with him. I don’t feel jealous of this relationship or of Z. I’m friendly with him and he’s a good guy.

I knew something was wrong when I sat on the bus with my girlfriend for a field trip and instead of talking to me at all, she called Z the whole time. When I was right there. She repeatedly calls Z her best friend in front of me, when it was previously established that we were best friends, even before our relationship.

I went to her house and gave her Christmas presents and the mother invited me to stay over for a half hour or so. I don’t think she talked to me once, even after I gave her presents (this was a surprise, I didn’t need to do it).

All of my friends have noticed that I put in much more effort into the relationship than she does. I don’t think that’s her fault though. She’s also been acting different. She’s a lot more tired and doesn’t put effort into any conversations and into any of her relationships besides the one she has with Z. She is autistic and claims that this is because she is unmasking. By asking her to spend more time with me or talk to me for a little bit a day, I would be knowingly forcing her to mask.

Additionally, she tends to jump from person to person. Constant calls and texts. Every hour of the day that she can is spent with them. First it was our good mutual friend J. Then it was me. Now it is Z. This lasts for several months. J has noticed this too.

Here’s where I think I might be the asshole. My girlfriend has been having severe migraines and being on the phone for too long hurts her eyes. By asking her to spend more time with me, I would be interfering with her health.

I really love her and don’t want to end the relationship. I have talked to her many times about this but nothing’s changed. So, WIBTA for explicitly saying that she gets one chance to put effort into the relationship?

I don’t have the energy anymore to put effort into a relationship like this.

What are these acronyms?

[jeankluv]

Snow on the beach || Trafalgar Law x fem!reader

Words: 3.5k

Warnings: angst, blood, deathly disease (amber lead), law’s past, doffy (again)

Notes: the warning are all for the flashback, the flashback is in iliac form. Enjoy this new chapter and Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates it, if you don’t please have a nice evening and take care of yourself ❤️

Previous chapter || Materialist || Next chapter

Chapter X: 7 days for the trip

The snow fell for days after Law left. You had been happy to see snow for the first time but you had also been extremely sad for not being able to share those moments with Law. It had been over two weeks since Law had left and you hadn't heard from him, Corazon had told you that he was fine and very busy, that's why he hadn't called. You had given him Nami's house phone to give it to Law so you could talk, but during that time the phone never rang.

Now you were in the living room coach reading while having music in the background. Nami had gone out a few minutes ago to run some errands and you had decided to take advantage of that time to read the book she had lent you. You couldn't stop thinking about how lucky you had been to have met the people you had met. You had arrived in that town almost two months ago and everyone had welcomed you with open arms. You wish you could talk to your 16-year-old self and tell her that everything would be okay, that you would find that group of people who would make you feel cared for and loved.

You began to turn the pages, as the minutes passed. Half an hour had passed when a knock on the apartment door brought you out of your reading.

You put the book aside and got up from the couch. You walked to the door and opened it to see Robin, smiling at you.

“Robin!” You smiled widely.

Despite having been with her for a short time, how little you had known her and what others had told you about her, you felt that you could be yourself with her.

“Hello y/n!” She hugged you. “How have you been?”

“Good, please come in.” You stepped aside and let her in. “I thought you weren’t coming until two days.”

“I was able to leave earlier, I had some early classes so there was no problem.” She gave you a sweet smile.

“Oh.” You nodded, she was so elegant and also intelligent.

“Tell me, how is it to live with Nami?”

“It’s really fun.” You said walking towards the kitchen. “I can’t compare her with anyone, this is my first time living with someone else but I’m really having so much.”

“I’m happy to hear that.” She said while grabbing the cup you gave her. “Thank you. Are you excited for the trip?”

“Yep.” You said making a noise in the p. “It would be fun.”

“Is Law coming?” Your heart stopped pumping for a second. Was he? You didn’t think he would, you wished but the chances were really small, hell, he might not even come for Christmas.

“I… I don’t know.” You let out with a sigh.

“You haven’t been able to talk with him?” You shook your head. “Mhm… and Corazon he…?”

“He doesn’t know anything, although I’m eating with him today, so I will try to get some info.”

“That’s good. I hope he comes.” She smiles. “Your whole face lights up when you talk about him.”

“That’s not…” You tried to explain yourself.

“Y/n even Luffy has noticed it.” She winked at you and walked to the living room, leaving you with a red face in the kitchen.

You sighed, you needed to control yourself from turning red or else everyone would notice how into Law you were. You hung out with Robin until it was time for you to meet Corazon for lunch. You said goodbye to Robin and took the bus towards his house and to which for a time where yours was too.

The trip was shorter than you remember and you realized you were already getting out of the bus. You smiled when you saw. Corazon outside of his house playing with Bepo, when he saw you he waved and you did the same. Bepo started running towards you, moving his tail and happily licking your palm.

“Hello Bepo.” You smiled, petting him. “Good boy.” You praised him.”

You walked with him to where Corazon was and he gave you a hug.

“I’m so glad you came. I missed you so much.” He said while still hugging.

“I missed you too. It’s weird not being here.” You sadly smile. “But living with Nami is nice.”

“That’s good…” He looked at you. “Sadly now I need to deal with Mrs.Smith’s grandson.” He sighed.

“The grandson?” You tilted your head.

“Yeah, he came here and is staying for I don’t know how long. But he is…” He sighed again. “Complicated.

“Oh… I thought Mrs. Smith didn’t have a family.”

“She has.”

“So…” You started to think, this was the reason why Mrs. Smith told you to leave?

“Yeah?”

“Mhm?” You came back to reality. “Oh nothing, don’t worry.” You smiled. “Why don’t we go inside and start preparing everything to eat?”

“Yes.” He grabbed your shoulders.

You followed Corazon right to the kitchen, you smiled when you saw that it was a mess. Law was right when he mentioned that he was a disaster in the kitchen and honestly you were no better. You just hoped you didn’t burn the house down during the day. With Corazon, you prepared a simple plate of pasta, fortunately no one was harmed and nothing was burned.

You sat in front of him and finally let out the question you were dying to ask since you stepped out of that bus earlier.

“Do you know anything about Law?” You said poking a macaroni off your plate.

He shook his head. “He hasn’t called, I’m sure he is busy. Don’t worry.”

You bite your inner cheek, you knew Corazon didn’t know the truth and you had the need to tell him. He was his son, he needed to know, but you also thought it wasn’t your place to tell him. But Law could be in danger and he could do something, right?

“Y/n stop thinking so much.” He spoke. “He will be okay.”

“But he…” You stopped talking and looked down to your palms, what could you do?

“I know…” He let out and you looked at him back. “I know the truth and I know he will be alright.”

“You know?” He nodded.

“Yeah, I found out days after Law left.” He sighed. “Found some notes and old bills, I called him after that and he told me everything. He assured me everything was okay and that there was nothing to worry about.” He touched his forehead. “But honestly it makes me so sad that he has been enduring all this on his own. He was just a kid when everything in his life went down and I thought that us moving here was going to give him the peace and calm he deserved.” You saw how he started to get teary. “But I was wrong and my poor boy was still suffering.”

You tried to find the right words but your heart was aching for the thought of Law.

“Did Law tell you I am not his real dad?” You opened your eyes.

“Wait… I thought.”

Corazon shook his head and smiled “I meant Law when he was 10. At the time I was working undercover on my brother's organization.”

Corazon entered the room in silence, his brother was in front and the rest of the family members, like Doflamingo liked to call them were sat around a large table. Corazon walked a few steps when he fell to the ground. He slipped with something or maybe he was just being clumsy as usual. He heard the laughter of the kids, Baby5 and Buffalo.

It was then when he noticed the presence of another kid. He was skinny, really pale and with big big dark circles under his eyes. The kid rolled his eyes when he saw him.

Corazon stood up and sat next to his brother, listening to him talk about how they were going to pass the drugs to a new contact they had in the south. But he couldn’t concentrate, his thoughts were on that kid, why did he end up here? Kids shouldn’t be part of this world.

He learned that the name was Law, Trafalgar Law and was 10 years old.

The days started to pass and he noticed the white spots on the boys body, he quickly figured out what it was. Amber Lead diseas, he heard about it but thought everyone that had it was already dead. His heart attached with the thought of that poor kid losing his family to that deadly illness.

He tried for weeks to make the kid leave, by treating him badly, pushing him away or anything. But he stood there, he seemed not to care at all.

It wasn’t until he heard the kid talking with his brother that the body had lost all hopes and all meaning of life.

“I want to destroy the whole world before dying.” A shiver ran through his body when the 10-year-old boy said those words.

And it hit him, if he didn’t help him, he would become like his brother. Someone full of hate and anger in his heart. He started searching for information about the illness, looking for doctors and leaving his main mission to the side. He knew Sengoku was going to reprimand him but he didn’t care. He needed to help that kid and not let him fall like his brother did.

It had been three months since Corazon met Law when this one stabbed him on the back. But it didn’t hurt. It was not comparable to the pain that poor child was suffering.

Corazon kept researching, while keeping a low profile and continuing his mission. It wasn’t until he heard Law’s full name that he knew the mission needed to be left aside and get that kid to safety as soon as he could.

Trafalgar D. Water Law. The D. That letter his brother despised so much.

He took Law out of there and once they were far away from the other two kids, he talked to him.

Law was left speechless, that man could talk? Doflamingo said he couldn’t, not after the trauma he suffered.

“You have been lying.” He said.

Corazon sighed. “That doesn’t matter. What matters is that you leave my brother’s side or he will kill you once he finds out about the D in your name.” Law raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t care.” Law said, not showing a sign of emotion. “I will be dead before I turn 13.”

Corazon bite his inner cheek. There was a possibility of saving him, but that meant leaving the mission aside and probably losing everything he earned during his time in the academy.

But he couldn’t care less. He needed to save Law from his cracked date and from becoming a monster like his brother. He knew there was good on that kid and he was not going to give up on it.

“You are coming with me.” Law was small and very light, so it wasn’t difficult for Corazon to carry him and start walking away from that “family”.

“Wait, what?!” Law shouted and started to move, trying to break free. “Where are we going?”

“I think there might be a cure for your illness and I’m going to save you.”

The journey began but Corazon did not expect to encounter obstacles so soon. The doctor he was looking for apparently no longer worked at that hospital, but he was now at another one. When he tried to get the doctors there to see Law, they simply screamed in terror. Causing Law to run away from the apology. Corazon felt his body burn with fury when he saw that poor Law had walked out of there like that.

The days turned into weeks, in each hospital always the same reaction, no one wanted to treat him. Weeks turned into months and Law started to get worse, his skin was even paler and he had lost a lot of weight.

“We will be staying here for a couple of days.” Corazon whispered while he was carrying Law, who was almost asleep. “See if your fever lowers a little bit.” And he put him on the bed.

“I will die soon.” Law whispered.

Law fell asleep minutes after that and Corazon drowned his sorrows in the cheap alcohol of that motel while he looked at the moon and cried because he couldn't do anything for that child.

“Law…” He touched his cheek. “You’re still a rude little boy. And hearing you say “I will die soon” is…” He took a deep breath, trying not to cry so much. “… heartbreaking.” He let out, whipping away the tears that were rolling down his face. “You… stabbed me that day… but it didn’t hurt at all. I know you were the one that was in pain.” Corazon couldn’t stop crying at that moment and walked away, not knowing that Law heard everything and also started crying.

Corazon was woken up by Law’s voice calling.

“Cora-San.” The young kid said. “We should go and eat some breakfast.”

Corazon scratched his eyes, had he heard correctly? “Did you just… call me Cora-San?” Law shrugged and Corazon smiled as she picked him up and laughed.

“Put me down!” Law shouted. “Or I will call you Corazon once again.”

“Alright, alright.” He said laughing. “You feeling better?” He touched his forehead slightly to make sure the fever was over.

Law nodded and they both went to the hotel cafeteria for breakfast. While Law finished breakfast, Corazon made a couple of calls. He knew that Law didn't have long left, but he believed that the information he had obtained this time was correct and would lead them to that doctor.

They traveled hundreds of thousands of kilometers until they finally reached a village in the mountains, where there were barely a hundred inhabitants. The surprise came when Corazon found out that that famous doctor lived even more isolated, in the forest to be more exact, and that most people considered him crazy.

Corazon put those ideas out of his head and with Law in tow he left for that place that the villagers had indicated him. The journey was hard, due to the thick snow that made him sink under his feet and the cold that hammered his bones. Law was fast asleep on his back, his fever had returned and he barely had any strength.

But finally, as the last ray of day faded, they reached the little cabin. Corazon staggered and knocked lightly on the door, barely having any strength left to stand. He heard some murmurings inside and when they opened the door, he could see the figure of a man with a big hat.

Before fading right there, Corazon said. “Please help him…” And everything went dark.

When Corazon came back, he could feel heat and the smell of food. He opened his eyes to see an older woman sitting reading a book. She looked at him and put the book next to her.

“If you are going to stand up, do it calmly. I don’t want to carry your two meters tall body again.” Corazon did as she told him. “I’m Kureha.” She said crossing her legs.

“Rosinante.” He said, touching his head. “But everyone knows me as Corazon.”

She nodded. “So the kid wasn’t lying when he said your name was Corazon.” Corazon opened his eyes.

“Law! Where is he?”

“He is alright, he will be alright.” Corazon felt like a weight was lifted from his shoulders. “Hiriluk is taking care of him.”

“Thank god.” He sighed in relief.

“We were surprised when we saw he had the Amber Lead disease, though everyone died from it. At least that’s what the government made us believe.” She took a bottle of wine for the shelf and started drinking it.

“He is the only survivor.”

“Well it’s a good thing you brought him on time.” A man spoke, Corazon looked at him, he guessed he was the man that the lady mentioned. “He will be alright, but you will need to stay here for a bit before leaving.” Corazon nodded. “I want to make sure his liver expels all the lead from him.”

“Sure… How much I need to…” Corazon stood up.

“If you think I’m going to let you pay me something, you are wrong.” He sat beside the lady, who was still drinking. “I’m a doctor, I’m here to help people.” He then looked at Corazon. “I’m also a father and I know what it is to see your kid suffering and to be desperate to help them. So now focus on resting and everything will be better.”

Corazon nodded and walked to the room where Law was asleep. He sat next to him and in silence he watched him peacefully rest. Maybe he was going to be able to have a peaceful life after all.

Five weeks passed since they arrived at the cabin. Law had gained weight and little by little the white spots on his skin had begun to disappear, although he continued to spend his days in bed, mostly reading or playing with Hiriluk's son, named Chopper. He was only four years old but he liked to play doctor with Law and Law would occasionally read him a medical book that Hiriluk had lying around, even though Chopper didn't understand what Law was reading to him. That day Corazon went down to town, he had to do some shopping, Hiriluk was already doing enough for them, other than being the one who went up and down to buy provisions.

Corazon started going through the forest once he bought everything he needed for the house.

“Brother.” He heard.

His blood froze when he heard that voice, how was it possible? It couldn't be that he was here, it couldn't be. He had to keep pretending, keep making him believe he was on his side and keep him away from Law.

“Stop pretending my dear brother.” He spoke again.

Corazon turned around and looked at him, he was there standing,with a gun in his hand. That was his end, his brother knew everything and like he did with his father he was going to kill him, in that place.

“How?” He whispered.

“Nothing escapes from me, my dear brother.” He smirked. “You thought you could fool me? Mhm you were wrong.”

Corazon frowned and gritted his teeth. “Leave and you will never see me again, I won’t even sell your information to anyone. But go away.”

Doflamingo shook his head. “Where is Law?”

“Leave him alone.”

“I need the kid. Now tell me where is he.”

“Leave him. He is far away from here, you can’t catch him anymore.” Corazon shouted. “Now he is free!”

And then Corazon felt it, like the bullet passed through him, first one and then another and another. The snow around him began to turn crimson and his brother's footsteps began to move away, not only from him but also from the cabin where Law was. He smiled because if he died at least he knew Law would be okay, he could have a peaceful life and he could grow up. Everything would be fine.

“Fortunately I was found by Kureha and I survived.” Corazon sighed. “Then we moved here, Kureha worked some years ago at the local hospital and said it was a peaceful place where my brother wouldn’t find us.” He looked at you. “Don’t cry, it’s all in the past.”

You scrunched your nose and took the handkerchief Corazon handed you. “It hurts me to think that you and Law had to go through all that. Law was so little…” You cried again. “I'm so glad you were there for him and… that you survived that.” Corazon smiled at you and shook his head. “But… Law is with him now, what if…”

“Law is intelligent, he knows what to do and I believe in him. He will come back to us.” He gave you a smile with which you could feel immense relief. Corazon trusts Law and you should do the same too.

“Thank you for telling me this.”

“You’re important to Law, you deserve to know.” And you smiled.

After you calmed down a bit and became calmer, you finished eating and helped Corazon pick up and wash everything. By the time you realized it, the sun was already setting.

You went down the stairs from the porch of Corazon's house, you were still thinking about everything the two of you had talked about. Your heart was still agitated by all the new information. You were walking with Corazon heading towards his car, when you heard a door open, you knew that noise, it was the door of the house where you had been staying. You heard Corazon turn and greet the person leaving the house, Mrs. Smith's grandson you assumed.

Your eyes searched for the figure of the person who now occupied the place where you had been staying weeks ago. You felt the food you had just eaten rise to your mouth and the desire to vomit took over you, when you saw the person's face.

Eustass Kidd

Final note: no Law in this chapter but we got Law’s and Corazon’s past, the backstory is similar to the canon story but making a few changes, bc obviously I couldn’t introduce devil fruits in a modern fanfic, so decided to include Hiriluk and Kureha as part of Law’s and Corazon’s backstory. Also a bit of a cliffhanger with that ending. I hope you enjoyed it and please let me know in comments what you thought about it 🫶

Tag list: @smolracoon25 @phsycochan @punem699 @norasincubi @myeahnaise

[baronessblixen]

A Ring and a Promise

Today's the first day of the Eight Nights of Mulder. We're starting with: gold.

I snuck in a 24 Days of X-Mas Files Challenge prompt: family heirloom

Summary: Mulder has a very special gift for Scully. (Fluff, set in season 7; wc: 1,097)

Tagging @today-in-fic @eightnightsofmulder

With the last snow melting and Spring tiptoeing in, Mulder decides it's time for a change in his life, too. For weeks, he's been trying to find the right moment. Seeing Scully lift her face to the sun, a small smile playing on her lips, he can't wait any longer.

"I have something for you," he says.

"What did you say?" Scully turns to him, shielding her eyes from the sun.

"A gift. For you. Maybe... consider it a very late or very early Christmas gift."

"Is that becoming a pattern with you?" He loves her teasing. Lately, she's been doing it more often. And she's smiling more. A sight Mulder can't get enough of. "Christmas was months ago. I've had a birthday since then." She gently nudges his side.

"My present wasn't ready then."

"I admit I'm curious," she admits. "Where is this present?"

"In my pocket." It's been there for months. A few years ago, he considered giving it to her for the first time, afraid he was going to lose her. This time he's not afraid. He's not going to lose her. This is just to show her that she's his choice. That no matter what, he wants to be by her side. Wants her with him. For always. His smile is as shaky as his hand as he reaches into his pocket to take out the small box. Scully looks at it, then back at him.

"Mulder, I'm not sure that-"

"Relax," he says, "I'm not asking you to marry me. Unless you want me to." His wink is met with an amused eye roll.

"But I want you to have this." He puts the small box into her palm and closes her fingers over it.

"Can I look?" she asks him.

"Of course." He waits, watches her as the box comes open with a soft squeak. Scully gasps and stares at him open-mouthed.

"This is a- I can't accept this."

"It's yours."

"Mulder, this is a ring."

"Oh, is it? I thought it was sunflower seeds."

"This isn't funny."

"No, it isn't. I- Scully, I meant what I said. I want you to have this ring. After last year and the whole thing with Diana, with us doing IVF and- I found this again after my mom's death. Have I ever told you about my grandmother?" Scully, still staring at the ring, shakes her head.

"Let's sit down on that bench over there." His hand lands on the small of her back and they walk the small distance together, the golden ring catching a ray of sunshine as they do.

"My grandmother on my mother's side was Jewish. She and my dad never got along and after Samantha... I didn't see her often. The last time I did was shortly before I went to Oxford. She was old by then and sick. I was too young, or too much in denial, to understand that she was dying. She gave me this ring, making me promise that I wouldn't sell it, and would never let my dad have it. I thought she was crazy." He chuckles softly.

"She said this ring has been in her family for ages. I wasn't listening. You know me. I just wanted to get away from everything, even her. She'd always been good to me but I was young and dumb. What I remember is that she wanted me to give it to someone special. Someone I consider my family. I took the ring with me that day, barely looking at it. I left it with my mom. She asked me once if I wanted it back."

"Diana?" Scully asks, reading between the lines.

"Yes," Mulder admits. "But I laughed it off. I never wanted Diana to have it. My mom gave it to me after her stroke. Said it was time. Said that maybe I'd need the ring soon. And I almost did." Tears shimmer Scully's eyes when he glances at her face.

"I almost gave it to you back then." His voice cracks. "I would stare at this ring, thinking I should give it to you. But I was scared, Scully. I wasn't ready to admit it. I wasn't ready to stop fighting. It seemed too final. I could have - maybe should have - given it to you after you beat your cancer. But I- I didn't. But it's time, isn't it?"

"You said this wasn't a proposal." Scully sniffs and he puts his arm around her, pulling her into his side.

"It isn't, it's... a promise." Scully laughs and when their eyes meet, all he sees is love. It's no surprise to him. They don't need to speak the words to know they both feel it. Though he has said it. Even if Scully never says them, and he never dares to repeat the sentiment, it's there in everything they do. And he wants her to have something tangible to remind her.

"A promise to never ditch me again?" There she is again, teasing him.

"A promise to always come back if I do?" he offers in return.

"If I wear this, people will notice," Scully says, taking the ring out of its box. "I still can't believe it, Mulder." When she tries it on, she gasps, realizing it fits perfectly.

"I had it fitted. But I don't expect you to wear it. I just want you to have it. No matter how we define this - us -, you're my best friend, Scully. You're my family. There's no one else I can imagine giving this to. I don't want to either. It's you." Forever, he adds in his mind.

"I did not expect this," she says. "But- I love it, Mulder. The ring is beautiful and I appreciate the thought."

"Do I hear a but?"

"No buts, Mulder," she says, observing the ring on her finger. He does, too. It looks good. More than that, it looks right. His grandmother was right. There was a special person waiting for him all along.

"Thank you." She touches the side of his face and presses a long, lingering kiss to his cheek.

"No kiss on the mouth for a ring?" he jokes, grinning.

"Not in public."

"Does that mean I'll get another one later when we're alone?"

She gets up, the ring still on her finger. She offers him her hand and he takes it. Neither lets go as they start walking.

"You'll get another thank you later," she promises him, and he can't wait. For later, for tomorrow, and for every day he gets to spend with her.

[joanofexys]

jude angst if it’s exists if not gimme that angel/harper angst pleeeeaaasseee <3

- @ninyard

Nin the way I got SO EXCITED when I saw Jude's name related to an angst ask. I have not talked enough about what I've put this boy through

tws for suicide/suicide ideation and self harm

So I mentioned in the first post I made about Jude that in college he started struggling with suicide ideation and thoughts/desires to self harm and then actually acting on that and I didn't go too much into it other than mentioning it was something he sought help for pretty quickly but let me get into it now

Jude was raised as an only child to two loving and very supportive moms. He grew up with an incredible support system and he's always known that he has people who will have his back for everything.

Jude decides to move out of his childhood home and move closer to USC for his sophomore year when he's 19 years old. He moves out in the summer a couple months before school starts. He is, immediatley, incredibly homesick. He made sure to get a dog friendly apartment but his moms convinced him to wait till he got settled in before moving Stevie out with him. And it just makes things so much worse. He hates having an empty place.

He starts just inserting himself into everyone's business. He knows the coaches are at the court building more often than that and he has the code so he just starts showing up unannounced. He'll sit in the nurses office on an exam table, talking someone's ear off. He naps in Rhemann's office. Coach Lisinski lets him go wild with the equipment before she leaves. They'll let him run laps and throw balls at the goals for hours. He sits in on freshman training, ignores starry eyed looks, and doles out compliments alongside criticism when asked. Anything to not be alone.

Then the school year picks up again and he's anything but prepared. He can't be around people, his team, all the time. Outside of practices everyone has classes and even the people who absolutely adore him can't entertain him 24/7. And there's only so much of Jude sitting in his office to do homework that Rhemann can handle.

By October he's actively self harming. It's easy to do in an empty apartment with no one around to catch him. Easy to lie to his teammates when he genuinely feels happy on the court, surrounded by them. By November he decides he's had enough "settling in" and brings Stevie with him when he visits home for thanksgiving. It helps a little. He accepts fewer invitations to go out. Spends most nights on the bathroom floor, cabinet handles digging into his back, and calls his moms every time he's done. Every time he tries to force the words past his throat. To tell them he's not okay, that he just hurt himself again, and he wants to go home. Instead he laughs, puts a smile on his face, says "yeah, yeah it's been good. Yeah I'm really proud of the time. You know, classes have been hard but the challenge is good. Love you too, good night", and hopes his voice doesn't crack. Stevie sleeps in his bed every night, he feels bad that she has to see him cry every night and thinks maybe he's not taking care of her properly. But she's also one of the only things keeping him going and maybe it's selfish but he can't bring her back home.

He goes home for Christmas, enjoys his winter break. For a few weeks it stops. He doesn't know how to hide his self harm when he's sharing space with people so he stops trying to sneak off to the bathroom or his room. It makes him sick to his stomach when he realizes that he misses it. That he had found some comfort and relief in the repitiveness of it and how easy it had become. He goes back to school and by mid January he shoots Rhemann an email asking if he can stay after practice and they can talk. It all comes pouring out and it's messy. He wrote it all down on a piece of paper so he could actually get it out. He managed to get through about 3 sentences before his voice cracked and the ugly crying started. He gave the paper over to Rhemann to read, rambling through an explanation rife with apologies.

He spends 2 weeks benched, a month and a half with shorter play time on the court. Two weeks for trying to find a therapist, seeing a doctor, and getting prescribe anti-depressants for the first time. the month and a half for while he's adjusting to the medication while he tries to find the right dosage. He's tired a lot throughout this, not at his best, more apathetic than he's ever been. He just feels numb. He hates every minute about it.

It's the medication they figure out first. Once they get him on the right meds with the right dose and he adjusts he's not so tired all the time. He starts playing longer during games, he's fully involved in every practice. He swings by practices he doesn't need to be at. He's out of the house again, actively choosing to spend time with his team. Stevie comes with him about 80% of the time. He spends the summer with his moms and moves back in with them his junior year. His senior year he moves back out but gets a roommate this time, a very excited Cody Winter. (the fact that the current senior and 5th year seniors in tsc were Jude's little freshmen & sophomore's is everything to me tbh)

So yeah, I swear he gets better and I guess I couldn't help myself with adding a little bit of comfort and noting that things did get better for him but there's some of Jude's angst. As I was writing this I had another thing for him that's angsty pop into my head but this is long enough as is

[bones-of-a-rabbit]

status of babbit's life yeehaw

tl,dr: busy moving and a couple of other big life things that just complicate things, but well on the way to being back to normal! new fic chapters and better quality art coming soon.

tl,wr (too long, will read):

Helloooo what's up its me, Babbit. or Rabbit. or Bones. or Idiot Moron Menace Child, idk im not picky lol

i know a lot of you guys have been wondering wtf is up with my upload schedule lately and the extreme lack of even basic content and also i am extremely aware that i have not updated my fics in a few millennia and for that i am very, very sorry. this post is to answer a few questions you might have, if anyone was curious about the 'reason' instead of just the 'when.'

my family and i have had a hell of a year, y'all. like, jesus christ, i really hope things level out and calm down for a while once we're moved in to our new apartment bc god damn we are so tired. the list goes: 1. we got kicked out of the house we were renting-to-own bc we wouldn't be able to afford the new rate, so they gave us two months to find a new place to live (not long enough, it turns out) and then foreclosed to get us out. 75% of our belongings were still in the house when we had to leave. that includes all of our christmas ornaments- including the ones kept for decades, and the ones made by me and my siblings, and the fancy ones made from blown glass. 2. the first night out of the house, one of our dogs, freaked out by the strangeness of the situation, panicked and slipped her harness and ran off. that was over a year ago. we haven't seen her since. 3. my cat got very ill and became unable to eat. she passed away almost exactly a year ago. she had been 14-15, and had been my baby since i was maybe 8. 4. one of the tires on my dads car blew out. during the night, while it was parked on the curb so he could put the spare on in the morning, one of the in-tact tires was fucking stolen LMAO 5. we applied to rent at so many places and got rejected so, so many times. it costs money to apply, btw. we're talking like $200+. no, u don't get that money back. 6. i lost my job bc knowing i would have to work 8 hours at a job that stresses me out to the point of exhaustion (at a place where no one takes me seriously and would actively laugh at me when i try to express my need to step away for a minute) sometimes paralyzed me and made me sick to my stomach and made me feel unable to leave the house, and i called out one too many times. a day after my birthday, too! 7. just recently, like within the last week, my dad's car got fuckin totalled!!!!!

THE GOOD NEWS IS WE OFFICIALLY, FINALLY, AFTER A SOLID YEAR, HAVE AN APARTMENT!!!!! I'LL HAVE MY OWN ROOM AGAIN!!! THERE'S AN ENTIRE KITCHEN!!!!!!!

the 'oh god' news is we still have to move in, and replace a lot of the stuff that we just couldn't take with us when we moved out (mostly stuff like bookshelves, dining table, dressers, etc) AND get the few things we could cram into a storage center out and moved into the new place, which isn't a lot but at the same time is more than we can realistically handle on our own. and then, we have to get my mums cats (a pair of kitty sisters that we had to temporarily house with my aunt, who got tired of looking after them and let them outside to be outdoor cats a few months ago. yes, this was an extremely shitty thing to do, and we've been working hard to get them back safely) AND my gecko (who my cousin has been looking after, even tho feeding him worms freaks him out LMAO yes i plan on compensating him) moved in, as well... basically oh my god there is so much to worry about but at the same time it's nice to have to worry about it bc it means we're making progress sdkfhsjdkfhdsjfh

basically i am just so tired but so busy and also thinkin abt so much im so sorry for lack of stuff but i am so looking forward to being able to bounce back, pls stick with me, it'll be sorted out soon i think and then i'll hit y'all with some good stuff i promise!!!!!!!

anyway thank u guys i love u and appreciate u all for sticking around

[bnhaobservation]

Thank you for giving me a chance to talk about BNHA and my apologies if I’ve erased the link from your post...

...but to me it wouldn’t feel fair to discuss another person’s post on my blog, if it’s not from me directly reblogging said post and therefore engaging into discussion with the original owner who can therefore see the reblog and decide to answer back.

I also can’t offer opinions on why a person says something. The best way to know why they do so is to ask them.

I can however offer info and opinions on the over mentioned canon. As usual, for the part regarding the opinions, people’s thoughts might differ from mine. I’m not Horikoshi nor Japanese and I don’t pretend to know ‘the truth’. Also, aspects of Japanese culture will be mentioned because relevant to the discussion. Again, I do document myself about them but as I’m not Japanese I might fail to understand something important. If this will be the case, I apologize.

Said all this, let’s start.

Was Rei a minor when she was married?

As far as I know we don’t know Rei’s age so we can’t answer this one. Back when BNHA started women could, however, marry at 16 if the family gave permission (recently the law had been changed so she would need to be 18) and age of majority in Japan was 20 (again the law has changed and now it’s 18).

Enji is 20/21 when he gets married. Considering Horikoshi’s liking for married couples to be 4 years apart it’s possible she was 16/17 and, for her to marry at that age back then, was perfectly legal EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS A MINOR by Japan’s law.

Currently Japanese law doesn’t allow a minor to marry so, if BNHA has started now, we wouldn’t have this discussion… unless one were to come from a country were age of majority is, let’s say, 25, and were to try to force its country’s view on what constitute age of majority on a Japanese character.

Still, even if it’s possible Rei married as a minor… the truth is we don’t know. For all we know she could be the one 4 years older than Enji… or she could have his same age. Until Horikoshi releases her profile with her age we’ll never know.

I like to headcanon her as 4 years younger than Enji because it adds to the drama and fits with what looked like her social role in the family (sacrifice herself to either continue the Himura family or to economically save it) so I don’t think she would have waited a lot before getting married.

It’s worth to remember in Japan, women had traditionally been expected to marry at a young age, and those who were unmarried after the age of 25 were metaphorically referred to as "(unsold) Christmas cakes" (クリスマスケーキ) in reference to items which are still unsold after the 25th.

So really, I don’t expect Rei to be older than Enji.

On the other side, since Rei’s age at the time of her marriage has zero relevance in the story, in the beginning Horikoshi might have planned to have her marry at 16/17 but, if he’ll ever release Rei’s profile he might retcon it to 18 so as to abide to the actual Japanese law and save himself from discussions and complains.

We’ll see if we’ll ever get Rei’s profile.

Should Touya’s siblings be blamed for not adequately supporting Touya?

So let’s start with Touya’s siblings’ ages as it’s often a point that gets discussed.

Fuyumi is born 11 months after Touya, which makes her basically almost a year younger.

Natsuo is born 4 years and 6 months after Touya.

Shouto is born 7 days before Touya will turn 8.

Since Touya ‘dies’ in winter when he’s about to turn 14, Fuyumi has just turned 13, Natsuo is 8, Shouto is about to turn 6. They’re clearly all very young and, in addition to this, Shouto is forbidden from interacting with them.

Would I hold accountable children so young for failing to support their sibling?

Nope, in my culture a minor isn’t expected to do such job, that’s what we consider a parent’s job. A child will be educated into the idea he has to try to support his siblings (when he’ll be older) by teaching him or her to be nice and helpful to his siblings, and he might be scolded if he doesn’t but, if something were to go wrong with a sibling, not only we wouldn’t hold the kid to be accountable for failing to support their sibling but we don’t even think it would make that big of a difference the fact he failed to do so. The entirety of the responsibility falls on the parents, the siblings can help or not but they won’t be held accountable.

Also, for me it's not just culture, what I studied about psychology and children's development influences me into thinking that kids shouldn’t be held accountable.

Would I expect children to feel guilty for failing to support their siblings, regardless of me not blaming them?

It’s something they might feel, especially if they loved their brother and believed they could make a difference (it doesn’t matter if this was true or not). Humans can feel guilty they couldn’t help someone they love even if it wasn’t their place to help that person and they truly couldn’t help.

Is my view of siblings’ dynamics universal (as in shared by everyone across the planet)? Does it applies to the story?

Skipping that there’s no such a thing as an universal view, my view is also clearly influenced by my culture. I was taught not to hold children accountable for such things. I’m not Japanese though, and Japan has some very different views on family dynamics from my home country.

So next I’ll toss in some Japanese cultural expectations for siblings.

In Japan siblings are expected to have a strong sense of loyalty and duty towards each other and towards their parents. Respect for elders and hierarchy within the family are also important aspects of Japanese family dynamics. Traditionally, the eldest child in a family holds a special position and is often expected to take on a leadership role within the family. Younger siblings are expected to show deference and respect towards their older siblings. Sibling relationships are often characterized by a sense of closeness and loyalty. Siblings are expected to support and help each other, especially in times of need. It is common for siblings to maintain strong bonds throughout their lives and to provide emotional and practical support for each other.

Of course, in real life, things vary from family to family, but this is a general outline of the common societal expectations pushed on siblings.

Also, in Japan, if one of the family members commits a crime, all the family will be held accountable, regardless of the age of the family members and their possibility to stop that person from committing a crime.

How all this applies to the story?

You might remember at first Rei was okay with having more children because ‘they would support each other’. It was more than just a passing thought or wishful thinking.

However Fuyumi and Natsuo couldn’t support Touya, nor could Shouto who wasn’t even allowed to spend time with him.

The story makes clear that getting support or not can do a lot of difference.

While the story pins most of the blame on Enji and part of the blame on Rei, it still holds accountable all the siblings (except for maybe Shouto) as well for their failure to support their sibling when they were supposed to.

That’s also due to how while in the west we tend to see someone to blame if he intentionally did something wrong, in many Japanese stories someone is held accountable for merely triggering without even knowing or meaning to, something wrong.

There’s more of a cause-effect mentality that comes to play in Japanese stories while in western stories we tend to focus more on intentions.

In Japanese stories you can find often people being held accountable for things that in my culture would be completely excusable or not even considered a possible source of blame, merely because said things triggered something bad.

So should people hold Touya’s siblings accountable?

As I said before I do not hold them accountable. They were too young in a situation too complex and too heavy for such young kids and, anyway, the ones who should be hold accountable for kids for me are the parents, not the siblings.

I however think the story does hold them accountable, possibly even more than it would in real life because, in addition to the cultural context, the story is also meant to teach people the importance of supporting loved ones, so it’s going to hammer on how Touya’s siblings should have supported him and how this would have made a difference and how their failure to do so is to blame.

Each reader is free to come to the conclusion he prefers in this regard because I really don’t know the culture of each reader and what it teaches them.

Also a story is often a medium to teach something and not a perfect mirror of real life and this story is aimed at teens so it’s going to push an abnormal amount of responsibility in young generations as they’re the main focus. In fact comparatively there’s more teenagers fighting All for One than adult Heroes and everyone relied on Midoriya, a teen, way too much, but this is done merely because the story is aimed at young audience and so it makes them the main characters and heroes.

Horikoshi, by sending so many teens on the battleground, likely isn’t trying to say Japan should start using child soldiers, it’s just making characters who’re of the same age of his intended audience be the heroes for the sake of entertaining said young audience.

In the same way, by pointing out how Touya’s siblings should have supported him, it’s possible he’s not telling the readers children should be held accountable for failing to support their brother but that it’s important for them to try to support their siblings because otherwise consequences might be bad and they might suffer them.

It’s less accusatory toward Touya’s siblings and more message oriented… or at least that’s how I interpret it.

Everyone can think differently.

As said before I’m not Japanese and I’m clearly not Horikoshi so I can’t really say what he’s thinking, just trying to guess it.

What about extenuating circumstances that stopped his family members from supporting Touya? Is one of them more excusable than the others?

So… each one of Touya’s family members had reasons to fail to support Touya.

If you ask me, the more powerless a character was to support him, the more said character is excusable, so of course, if I were to rate them, we would go from the most excusable of all, Shouto (too young, completely powerless, not allowed to interact with him, completely unable to understand what went with him), to Natsuo (very young, not fully able to understand his problems, completely unable to help him in certain important matters), to Fuyumi (young, technically barely able to understand his problems, unable to help him in certain important matters), to Rei (likely raised to sacrifice for the family and obey to the Himura family head first, to her husband after, extremely busy taking care of 4 children of different ages, 3 of them all younger than Touya, one of whom was forced to undergo through abusive training, eventually also so psychologically unwell to the point she had a paranoid episode, exchanged Shouto for Enji and attacked him in misplaced self defense before ending up hospitalized), to the one I view more culpable, Enji (blinded by his negative sides to the point of obsession, probably psychologically damaged, raised in a culture that enabled him to do many things that I do believe are wrong, his culture selling them as okay instead).

Enji and Rei also are less excusable than the kids as they’re Touya’s parents and therefore I view taking care of Touya as THEIR JOB, my country’s law establishing also they’ve to do it according to certain standards, while I can’t say the same Fuyumi, Natsuo and Shouto.

Of course mine is a subjective rating and people can disagree with it for the more assorted reasons… after all Enji and Rei fail to follow the acceptable standards for parenting in my country but Japanese law and manga tropes disagrees with my country’s law on such standards so who am I to judge?

Something else I find of relevance is I don’t think the story is trying hard to make a rating of who’s more culpable and who’s less culpable because for assorted reasons they all failed and so they all had to pay consequences and that’s why the story has all the Todorokis go stop Touya and get burned in attempting to do so.

As I said many Japanese stories have a cause-effect kind of narrative (you do something, this something ends up hurting someone, you pay consequences for it) more than a ‘evil person gets punished’ narrative.

It’s karma (the sum of a person's actions, good and bad, which leads to future consequences), it’s hitsuzen (必然 “the inevitable consequences of something”), more than some god deciding you need to be punished for your evil deeds.

At least to me it feels like this is the point the story is making. Again, I’m not Japanese, I might be wrong.

There are so many cultural things tied in this story that it’s very easy to misunderstand something as many things that for me are normal, aren’t normal in Japan and vice versa. So yeah, my understanding might be flawed.

Said all this I apologize if this wasn’t the kind of reply you were hoping for.

I do enjoy talking about BNHA a lot and I’m grateful to you for offering me the chance to talk about it… but if you want to know why someone in the net said something about it, the best source to whom to ask that information is the person making the post.

I can only offer my opinion on the topics you mentioned and my opinion on them is as good as the one of the next guy. I’m not Horikoshi, I sadly don’t know ‘the truth’.

So, again thank you for your ask and sorry if this wasn’t the answer you were hoping for…