#beneath the boardwalk

[junedenim]

2004

beneath the boardwalk, part 2 (series masterlist)

i bet you look good on the dancefloor

warnings: fluff, angst, a little smutty, the whole shebang, offensive language (posh-shaming), etc.

word count: 19.6k

In Alex's bedroom, there is a splatter of ink on the wall that looks like a Rorschach test. It has a big splotch in the middle with droplets surrounding it. It's on the wall next to his bed and you could look at it for hours, study layers of it. Butterfly, moth, bat, or what I would later insinuate several times: a vagina.

Despite the distance between High Green and Wakefield, I would drive over to Alex's house about every other weekend once the spring semester had begun. It had started as a plan to work on our writing with one another before it became more of an excuse to hang out with one another. Alex would later confess to me that he never did much songwriting in general, minus a few exceptions, when we were there. Instead, he did unrefined, rough drawings of mostly clutter-filled nonsense. Later, when I went away to university, I found one of the sketches cut into a bookmark, placed by Alex in my notebook. The sketch was of a girl with hair that was too long drooped over while writing in her notebook. It wasn't what critics would consider good, but it was me in Alex's eyes, and I think that did me greater justice than any other portrayal of me.

We didn't talk much. For those months, his mum would joke that we were "going steady." I wrote more than I ever did in my life because Alex wouldn't allow me to do anything else. He'd shush me when I tried to speak to him, insisting that he was in the middle of a lyrical masterpiece. In reality, he was practicing writing with his left hand. 

Most of that material is lost to time. That notebook disappeared around '07 and is suspected to have been lost when my parents moved out of our Wakefield home. During that time I mostly wrote fiction, personal essays were reserved for my diary. Alex never read anything in that notebook with the exception of one page that I had ripped out, folded up into a swan, and placed in his pocket before I left for university. It's the only page that remains and still sits in Alex's nightstand drawer.

I stayed for dinner for the first time in February. His mother, Penny, insisted that it was ridiculous I make the drive back home on an empty stomach. I don't think Alex had people over for dinner often, maybe Matt occasionally when they were younger, but I think most nights were confined to him and his parents. 

They spoke quietly, much like Alex did, but they were funny and had an overt interest in me.

"Have you lived in Wakefield your whole life?" His father asked me.

"Uh, no, I lived the first few years of my life in Frankfurt, Germany—" 

My explanation was cut short by Penny gasping. I feared the kitchen had caught fire. "Alexander!" She chastised, for the first time hearing someone call him by his full first name. "You didn't tell me this."

Alex tried to keep his laughter over his mother to himself, looking down at his plate. "I didn't know."

"Did Alex tell you I'm a German teacher? Probably not since he apparently doesn't tell anyone anything." She pointedly said to her son.

I laughed because it was sweet and, more obvious to only me, even then, my parents never did this. Stacey didn't even joke around anymore. We didn't eat dinner at the table unless we had guests, which were almost exclusively my dad's co-workers.

"Are your parents German?" Penny was eager. She had found a connection with the girl who had been taken hostage in her son's room for the past month. Alex's parents were reassured that nothing was going on between the two of us and that they had no issues with closed doors. I suppose my parents didn't either but they were likely in a different parenting style than Penny and David.

"No," I said, "my dad's work was over there. He grew up near Newcastle. My mum was born in Moscow but grew up over in the States."

"Wow, so, how'd they meet?"

I laughed. I didn't plan to tell the story but Penny was curious and my laughter had to be explained. "Um," I cleared my voice, "my parents met through my dad's wife. Ex-wife." A famed story in our family. My parents oddly toted this loudly to us as children like it was some romantic tale.

I sipped my water, laughing into it as I watched the members of the table try and contain a reaction. Then, Alex let out his laughter and I had to join in. Rumbling the glass of water I was drinking out of. David and Penny, with our invitation, joined in.

At the end of the night, Penny hugged me and told me to get home safely. "I'd like to hear more life stories from you."

Alex, overhearing, chimed in, "Yeah, she should write a book about them."

It began the tradition that at least once a month, I would have dinner with David and Penny. 

The following week, right at the tail end of February when the heating in Alex's room broke, I sat on his bed, under the covers. He, of course, sat over top of them in his jeans and trainers. It was disgusting but it was his bed so I was rejected the right to criticize him over it.

I had grown bored of writing and had become interested in Alex. Since my kissing faux pas, I had made a great effort to uninterest myself in Alex. It was going okay until he forced me into these writing sessions. I was never able to crack Alex completely. I could figure out things about him, read my way through him, but I was never able to fully deduce why he refused to kiss me but wanted to spend time alone with me. Now, I'd tell you he was being a friend. Then, I'd tell you, he had to be gay. 

Yet, I knew he wasn't and I couldn't stop wondering why he didn't like hanging out with me when other people were involved. Joanie had brought up the idea of a double date but Alex made a sound and shook his head before insistently saying, "Jane's just me friend." He didn't like hanging around Joanie much, I could understand that much. But we didn't hang out with Matt together and he rejected hanging with AB & Claire, which was fine. We weren't dating or anything.

Joanie and Claire would both tease me about Alex. They both figured we spent Saturdays fucking our brains out, not silently sitting across from one another. Not talking with his mum more than him. I, like Alex, would insist we were nothing more than friends, but in my head I was playing another game where Alex and I were in a secret relationship, hiding it from our friends, so secret Alex didn't even know about it.

I didn't delude myself much. I didn't expect him to change his mind on me but I did fantasize maybe he would. I liked being his friend too. I liked looking at him like "friends" do. 

"I'm done!" I announced. I shut my notebook and placed my pen on top of it.

He didn't look up from his book. He shushed me. Scrunched up his nose and moved his pen quickly. This might have been one of the few times he was writing. 

I folded my hands into my lap and waited. His pen rushed across the page, then scratched something out, then continued for another surge of writing. Alex looked up, squinted at me, and then returned to writing.

"It's time for me to go!" I began to move over to him at the end of the bed. Fists on his mattress like a gorilla.

Alex shushed me again. I was about to start beating my chest. I laid my head next to his legs, criss-crossed under his notebook. I stretched myself out and saw his eyes glance down at the gap my shirt had created, belly button exposed. I yawned and he kept writing.

"Aren't you going to say goodbye?"

He didn't even bother shushing this time. He was reaching the bottom of the page but I was whiny and bored and desperately didn't want to go home. 

I sat up and attempted to spin my pen like Matt did with his drumsticks. I'd tried to learn but Matt wasn't a very good teacher or maybe I wasn't a very good student, likely the latter. I stared intensely at Alex, bulging my eyes, trying to will his head to look up. Writing, writing, writing.

Then, my pen flew. It launched out of my hands, spinning quickly before smacking against his wall. The ink landed and I covered my mouth with my hands, trying to hide my laugh. 

Alex looked up, searching for the sound, "What'd you do?" He followed my eyes and looked at the stain forming, and then he looked back over at me, silently laughing into my hands.

"I'm so sorry." My laugh was noticeable no matter my efforts to hide it. I became loud and tried to take deep breaths to hide it but then it grew uncontrollable. "I don't know what happened." And then he laughed too.

*

Alex liked my car. It was a black 2002 Volkswagen New Beetle. Besides AB and me, none of our friends had their own cars. AB only had a car because he worked in his father's garage shop and the car was a clunker. Will used to have one too but he crashed it on New Year's Day 2003. 

Alex would insist, mostly when I got bored of writing and complaining in his ear, that we take a ride in the Beetle. He made too many Beatles puns that I rolled my eyes at but to this day, I wish I had written them down to have as relics from that period of our lives. He'd flip through the radio too many times. Then, he'd shut it off and ask if I had any CDs.

"Sugababes?" He'd once question with a chuckle. He has a habit of distracting me while driving. 

I furrowed my brows. "What's wrong with Sugababes?"

Then, he'd pull his face together and put it back in the console. "Nothing, nothing."

We never drove anywhere in particular. Sometimes we went to City Centre, sometimes I drove Al to work. Most of the time we just drove around. I didn't know too much of High Green but quickly learned every corner of it with Alex as my tour guide.

One time we stopped at the Charlton Brook Dam and I was lying on my stomach, kicking my feet behind me, and writing in my notebook. Very teenage dream writing in "Dear Diary..." For the first time, Alex groaned.

I looked up and he was staring up at the sky, almost directly into the sun. He hadn't bothered to take his notebook out, still in his back pocket.

"What?" I asked.

He slowly shook his head.

I sat up properly. "No, come on, what are you groaning all about for?"

Alex sighed and rubbed his eye. "I don't think—I don't know—I don't think I can write near water." This was long before I knew of his mostly empty writing sessions.

I threw my head back in laughter. 

He chuckled along with me but asked, "What's so fun about that?"

"No, no, nothing," I told him. I calmed myself down and we held eye contact.

The dam seemed to bring something out of Alex. Something about the water reflected something onto him. "Can I ask you something?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"What are you going to do after Barnsley?" It was like a confrontation. One that I needed. My parents were too far off to care where I was most of the time. I don't think they had thought about my future, not as much as Gary, my older brother. My older sister, Harper, did one year of university before dropping out and marrying Ian. I think Harper wanted to get away as much as I did but then she got pregnant and was never able to escape. Just had to accept her fate as a Cavendish. 

I shrugged at his question. "I thought about university. That seems like the likely thing to do but I feel too unsure. Like I should go get a job or gallivant through Europe for a year. Fuck off to America or something."

He laughed. "Fucking off to America sounds nice. You'd get a lot more sun. You look good in the sun."

An upturn of my cheeks and a vow not to take his compliments too seriously occurred. "I've applied but haven't heard."

Alex picked at the hole in his jeans, no longer looking at me. "Do you think it be crazy to do the band for, you know, a living or summat?"

I shook my head. "I don't think so. I like your stuff."

"You're one of the few. Have a gig with just you and Matt's mum handing out pastries."

"Despite your disdain for my Angels with Dirty Faces CD, I know good music when I hear it. When I read it too."

"You've only read one of them."

"And I know it's good. You've read nothing of mine, yet you insist I come over every weekend to write."

Then, he said, quickly and sure of himself, "That's just because I want to see every weekend."

I hid my reaction. I must have. In between, my heart beating and my throat closing, I contained my excitement because he didn't comment on it. "Is that so?"

I wanted to pester him further. See the map of his brain and what road it leads down. But he stood up and said, "My shift's in a half hour."

I lamented. "Has this relationship grown so one-sided you don't even properly ask me for a ride anymore?"

I was whining in place and he was eager to get back to the car, but I'm not sure why he didn't tell me to move or push me up the little hill we were sitting on, instead, he grabbed hold of my hand. Not in a yanking motion. It was soft and little and he never commented on it. He intertwined himself with me and said, "Come on, Janie." Then, pulled me up the hill and didn't let go until I reached the car door. In the car, we laughed and listened to Sugababes, but he didn't touch me again. Didn't grab hold of my knee or wrap his arm around the back of my seat. He sat with his hands on his own knees and when I knew he secretly loved a song, he'd tap away with his left hand on his thigh. 

*

When March neared an end that year I decided I was not going to celebrate my birthday. I resigned myself to the cupcake AB and Claire got me for lunch and it ended with that. Joanie had other plans.

Ambushing me was never a good idea, let alone a surprise party. Ambushing with alcohol was always a good idea. I guzzled it down while we sat in Joanie's basement, smaller than Will's but bigger than the White House's (exaggeration but not far off). 

Unknown bodies filled the room but I had Claire by my side and Joanie hanging off my back. As much as we had drifted, I was touched by Joanie's closeness to me, instead of Matt. We resembled our former trio before The Grapes gig. 

Alex sat across the room. He was sitting on a table next to Matt. At one point in their conversation, Matt pointed over to us and Alex's eyes landed straight on me. He nodded at me and then smiled. I waved him over but he didn't move. He averted his eyes and kept chatting with Matt.

But then a minute later, he looked over at me again and I waved him over again. He smiled but his lack of response remained the same. "Oy!" I yelled.

He looked over and I curled my finger at him, urging him to come hither. He pointed at himself unsurely. 

"Yes, you, you wanker!" I shouted.

Alex chuckled and stood up to make his way over to me. He bent down to meet my eye level, flashing a charming smile at me. "You beckoned?"

"I beckoned? I beckoned? You were making the eyes at me over there. It's not proper to ignore the birthday girl."

"You've got two girls hanging off of ya."

"That's a dream for most men."

He laughed, grabbed my hand, and picked me up from my seat. "I'm not gay, Janie." I laughed hard, throwing, not only my head but my whole body back, forcing him to hold me close. "And you are very, very drunk."

I pouted. "What else is a girl supposed to do on her birthday?" I had been drinking on my birthday since I could remember. I used to sneak down into the fridge and steal beers when I was 6. It only got bigger as I got older. Most vices do.

In a perfect sequence, I twirled and he lifted his arm to let me under. When I came back around, I smiled and leaned my chest into his. The little boobs I have pushed up against him. "Do you want to have sex with me tonight?" I don't know where it came from. Well, I mean, I do, a fresh 18 and a mighty amount of alcohol applies, but I had lost all boundaries. A year filled with less sex, less partying, less Will, led me to a clear mind, which only slipped back into past habits. 

Sex. Must have sex. If we have sex then he'll like me. He'll love me even. I'm great at sex and he's a little groundling that I'll have to entertain.

"No, Janie, not tonight." I had never corrected the usage of Janie. I abhorred the nickname from everyone else's lips but Al's. He always struck the right chord within me and let it play out for decades. 

I rounded my arms onto his neck. I pulled him close, close to kiss, close to French, close to makeout, close to fuck, close to make love, close to eat him alive. "But someday?"

I knew I'd be devastated by whatever response he gave me. Devastated that then wasn't now, devastated that then was never. Alex looked down on me. I was eager. A gosling looking for mother goose to follow. "Do you need to sit down?"

He was ignoring the issue altogether. After all this time of going back and forth in my head about Alex—about why I could crack the code on everything else about him, except what his interest in me was—I had decided to ask him, "Why are you ignoring me?"

He chuckled at my slurring and I dreamt he found it endearing. "I'm not ignoring you. You're hanging all over me."

"Do you not like it when I hang all over you?" I threw myself at him pathetically, especially when I was dripping in alcohol. 

"Let's sit." He removed his arms from around him and dragged me over to sit down. Joanie had left to sit on Matt's lap. Claire had shifted to talking to Rosie, currently broken up with Will. Rosie had seemingly taken my place in Will's bed and I was no longer upset about it. I was upset with Alex, or really with myself for not being good enough for Alex.

We sat down and I, sleepy drunk, laid my head on his shoulder. I whispered, low and quiet, that I was shocked he heard over the music, "I just want to know what it is."

"What what is?" He questioned.

"Why don't you like me?" I clarified. I wish I wasn't such a baby. A child begging for her mother to pick her up. I desperately wanted him to like me. I wanted him to fall at my feet in the way no man had. Beg for my forgiveness and call himself an idiot for ever rejecting my kiss.

"I like you."

I hesitated, even drunk I knew we were treading on crossed boundaries. Then I let what I had been dying to know the truth for months slip out. "Why won't you kiss me? I'm not trying to flatter myself but why won't you want to kiss a girl? You're not gay but why won't you kiss me?"

He didn't answer for a moment. Alex has always been a person to think his thoughts out but I imagine he struggled to answer my question. "I like being your friend," Alex said.

"Friend?"

"You're one of my best friends, Janie." He was calm and he pushed my stray hairs behind my ear.

I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to never see anyone again. If I was an ounce sober, I'd swallow the pain and rejection, but my bloodstream was alcohol and I was throwing a pity party. My head left his shoulder and fell into my hands with a sob.

"Jane." He was concerned. He patted my back and urged me to sit up and look at him.

I was too embarrassed to look at him with tears and tell him he was the reason why. Even if he obviously knew he was the reason why. I took a deep breath and sat up. "I'm a sad old drunk. Sorry."

He was concerned but said nothing. We never talked about it again.

Later that night, after everyone had mostly left except our close friend group—minus Will, who had puked on himself about 10 minutes before—Alex handed me a cigarette and lit it for me. No lighters tossed.

We sat in the corner pocket of the couch with one another. Everyone else was lying about but we were talking slowly and tiredly to one another, except Joanie, of course, more perky than ever. "Let's dance!" She cheered.

I groaned and everyone else seemed to feel the same way. Matt wasn't even indulging her anymore. But then she played Spice Girls and I had to join in. I stood myself up and rocked about with Joanie.

Halfway through Alex yelled, "Now do the robot!"

I yelled back over my shoulder. "Oh, fuck off now!" But I did it anyway, rough and drunk as ever.

When the night winded down for good, Alex slept over at my house. The hour was late, everyone was drunk, and it was decided that High Green was just too far. On the walk back home, where our minds sobered up and we walked feet apart from one another. Alex's hands were deep in his pockets and my arms crossed, hands hidden away in my armpits. 

About 5 minutes into the walk he asked, "Good birthday?"

I nodded. "Fine."

"Just fine?" He chuckled.

I shrugged. "Birthdays have never been too exciting for me. They've always sucked in some way."

Alex moved closer to me and took a hand out of his pocket, throwing his arm over my shoulder and tugging me into him. If I closed my eyes I could fantasize he meant something else by it. I had wished in my head, with the absence of birthday candles, to have him. Looking back it feels stupid to put that much weight on a guy but I was 18 and he was Alex.

"Anything I can do?" He asked.

In my head, I had a million answers. Any action of interest would shoot rockets through me and fireworks out of me. I didn't say anything. I was sober enough to know that I shouldn't be an idiot. I shouldn't beg for his affection. He was one of my best friends now too and to lose that to some fantasy would be a far greater crime than him not kissing me.

"Not really. I think I'll just go to bed and leave my birthday at that."

Then, he stopped moving. His arm around me held me back. "What?" I asked.

He tilted his head and I'd ponder what it meant. "Nothing," Alex said. We continued walking and never spoke about it again. 

*

The following morning, Alex drove my car. After dealing with my father at the door, who I am sure was drunk from watching Newcastle United lose and had no clue who Alex was, my father, to feign caring, questioned Alex at the door. Alex mumbled away, which could've left a bad first impression on my father if he wasn't too out of it to remember. My father didn't remember my friends' faces anyway.

When Alex and I escaped my father, who grumbled his way back to the tele, Alex drove me for the first time ever. "You're a lot better than I thought you would be."

"Why'd you think I'd be bad?" He was winsome in his long-sleeve sweater, his jacket thrown into the backseat due to the hotness of that car. 

"You have me drive you around all the time. I figured your mum was too afraid to give you her car."

The previous night we had slept in the same bed. My daydreams weren't fulfilled in any way, we were laid like sardines, Alex's head at the foot of the bed, mine at the head. My bed, at the pretentious time in my life, was king-sized. An ocean of linen sheets separated us. 

In the morning, he grabbed my car keys and insisted.

Alex pulled up by Charlton Brook Dam and we didn't say anything. It was a wordless movement to the water that ran through the park. We sat side-by-side, in the same spot we always sat in, cushioned under two oak trees that had acorns falling at our feet. 

He pulled out a cigarette and handed it to me first. He put that pack away and looked at me mute and waiting. I snorted a horrid snort that I think about to this day (I might as well have said oink!). I pulled out one from my purse and handed it to him. He provided the lighter.

"You're no good for me, Janie." I conceded. I decided then I would never dream of being with Alex again. Why lose a friend—a friend like Al—for some fiddly fake romance I had made up in my head? "I smoke too much when I'm with ya." That was true too.

We puffed away and talked about nonsense mostly; shit from school. The dam blew perfectly onto our skin. I was wrapped up in a cardigan and Alex had thrown his jacket to the side, dirting it in the dew. 

His voice was soft, like the dew at our feet, and he spoke emotionally, like a vow from his heart. "Your eyes are so blue." I am well aware of the powers of my blue eyes. I've batted them since I was a baby and crowds fell to their knees in adornment. But the way he spoke it sounded like foggy desperation. A thing you only say between two cigarettes deep in the morning or night.

"Yours are very brown." I laughed but he didn't. He stared down at the grass and fiddled with his cigarette. It felt awkward and rigid.

Alex looked up at me carefully. His eyes sculpted over me. "I have thought about it. What you asked me about last night."

Breaths were short and the heart was quickened in beats. "What did I ask about it?" I need this to be clear. I wanted to not fear what would come out of his mouth.

"Never mind."

I realized he needed me to be clear. Though I was in a fit of drunkenness and I would—and had the reputation—of sleeping with whoever would allow. He thought he wasn't special. He looked off into the dam and I asked, "About someday?"

Alex's head turned over and he took a while to answer, in fact, he never answered. He leaned over and kissed me. Slow, steady, and the non-slobber variety. The perfect first kiss.

"You want to have sex now on the hill?" I joked. I was fun. I was cool. I was screaming inside.

He laughed this time. "No. I just wanted to know what it would be like to kiss you."

*

We didn't get together right away. There was this weird stretch of time lasting from after my birthday until the end of May where we would hide out with one another, in my room after school and in his room where Alex tried to uphold our writing session before dissolving into sex sessions. I don't know if either of our parents knew what would happen upstairs. His parents would either be home late or hold no objections to the shut & locked door. My father wasn't home when Alex came over. He'd always go to the pub after work. My mother sat in front of Coronation Street or had her friends over. Alex never stayed for dinner at mine. I stayed more and more often at his.

The first time we had sex was 2 days after our kiss. We went to my house after school with no intent to do much of anything except a hang out disguised as an excuse to make out. After 10 minutes of snogging, Alex reached under my skirt and touched my underwear. He was hesitant and seemed as if he didn't mean to go that far but didn't retract his hand. Mine furthered lower to his jeans, rubbing in between my legs.

Our lips parted and Alex pushed a small gap between us to see me. "Jane." It was his way of giving a warning sign. There was no pushing further. "Would it be alright...?" He stretched the sentence out, mumbling nerves to me.

"If we had sex?" I attempted to finish. "Yes. If I haven't made it clear I want to have sex with you then we should get your brain checked."

He laughed and placed his head in the nook between my shoulder and neck. I'd wanted him to stay there forever. Forever 18 in that corner of our world. "No, no. I was just—never mind."

I rolled my eyes at his habit of having to decipher his message. I still roll my eyes at this affliction to this day. "You're so cocky and now I've got you tongue-tied."

He rubs his eyes, buggy and alluring. "I'm not cocky. Just mighty hard."

Laughter spurted from my mouth. "You've got no sense."

Alex insisted, "I've got perfect sense."

I've never been one for the term "making love." It's reserved for romance novels and cheesy songs my mother played in the car. I've grown out of the phase of "fucking" but in my late teens, this seemed the appropriate words for my past rendezvous. Quick-fulfillment and non-long-lasting. "Sex" was the preferred word; plain and simple. Alex and I were definitely shagging too. I won't object to that.

Alex looked star-gazingly and held sentiment too deep for me to understand at 18. Then he said, "You're hot, Janie." I settled down a bit after that because he was the sweetest candy I could bite into but he was also an 18-year-old boy.

After the sex, there was the headwork he may or may not have attempted to do before I redirected him to the proper location of the clit. He wasn't bad, much better than anything Will or other losers had done, but he was a man boy and I enlisted myself to be the girl that all his future girlfriends would thank for teaching him how to fuck.

He was sweet as a teddy bear. I pictured him as a little cub bear and me as the pot of honey he was holding. After we had finished for the first time, I went up to pee and he disposed of the condom. He had placed his boxers and shirt on when I had returned. I prepared to dress myself, he grabbed hold of my hand, smooth like a baby's skin, and didn't say anything. He tugged me toward his bed and when he laid down, he pulled me beside him. 

I'm sure my look was one of peculiarity causing him to respond with "Come on, Janie, you love my blankets so much."

Alex mindread that I was uncomfortable. I felt naked because I was naked. He handed me my clothes. We were still awkward and gangly teenagers and the idea of wearing one another's clothes was a distant thought. I placed my bra and panties on for good measure, not wanting to wrinkle the rest of my clothes. 

I lay beside him on his bed. He rounded his arm over my shoulder and we both stared up at his ceiling. I was being gnawed away inside by one thing, so I asked, "Why'd you change your mind?"

"Me mind on what?" He questioned.

He was warm. Heat radiated off his body and mind. We had both turned to lie on our sides. We faced one another but our eyes were darting over the other's body, at least Alex's were. I focused on the way his hair looked perfect despite what we had just done. "Kissing me. Last year, which might be one of the most embarrassing moments of my life and that's saying something."

He tilted his head down to look me in the eye. "I didn't really know you then."

"I've done a lot more with guys I've known a lot less," I said it lightheartedly but he seemed to take it seriously. He has always been more stoic about these things. 

Alex dithered in his mind. Then, he reached his hand out and held my side. It was a slow-moving force pulling me to him. "You're my friend. Matt told me about these conversations you'd have over a smoke. Then, we had our talk outside The Grapes. I couldn't help—I'm not sure who wouldn't want to talk to you."

I almost laughed. It felt ridiculous the notion that people enjoyed hearing me talk. I had spent a whole life being yelled at not to talk at the dinner table, to be seen, not heard, to sit up straight and mind my business, and to not interrupt when my father was talking. I thought of words as something to fill a void in our lives. I wrote my words away and locked them up and wondered: who would ever want to read what I had to say, think, feel? Al.

Alex continued, "And I know you now. I know you differently, but your reputation preceded you."

"As a slut?" I replied.

He didn't reject the idea, although he shook his head. It wasn't something he could highly reject because everyone knew it was true. I didn't have such a problem with it then. When Arctic Monkeys got famous, in turn Alex, and in turn me as his girlfriend, the word felt different. Maybe because it wasn't who I was anymore. I hadn't been in a long time. I was also a university student shying away from my past adventures, unable to shed my skin like everyone else. I was also more than Al's girlfriend. I was more to Alex himself than I was just his girlfriend.

"I didn't want to be bedded, I suppose," Alex admitted. "I didn't want to never see you again."

"You would have seen me again," I insisted.

"From the corner of a party?"

"We didn't see much of each other anyway after that."

"I know. Eventually, we did. And I don't know how many times we would have sat with each other writing instead of shagging."

"You think we couldn't control ourselves?" I teased.

He narrowed his eyes at me. "Did we just have sex with each other or was that your evil twin?"

I laughed and pushed him back. I sat up and pulled my skirt on. "So now you don't care about our writing?"

"I figured I'd just give you a little inspiration."

I whipped him with my top. We had exploded into laughter and, once again, he was right.

*

In my first year of knowing Alex, we had developed this fantasy of escaping England. While I had a privileged life traveling to places that likely gave me skin cancer, I had never had fun doing it. My mother often weighed things down, splashed out on the bottle since Tom, my eldest brother, died in 1996. Trips weren't pleasant before then but there wasn't much need to put on an effort after that. Places where drinking was encouraged and never discouraged were key. Vegas, The Bahamas, Cancún, etc. It sounded fun to me in the moment until I realized I'd be spending months trapped with my drunk mother, groaning father, and poor Stacey. Harper and Greg got out of it once they graduated from university.

I told Alex all of this early on, at some point in one of our first writing sessions. The idea came up every once in a while. Often after we'd have sex. I'd lay in his arms (something we started doing out of convenience since Al's bed was too small, of course, this continued to my bed, despite its much larger size) and we'd be heavy and rushed, staring at the ceiling, completely caught up in one another. He'd sigh and say, "Where do you want to go today, Janie?"

It became a tradition, continuing to this day. I'd list off a new place I wanted to go. When it first started it was my dream destinations, then Alex kept telling me to find new places and research, which I did. I would later graduate with A-levels in geography.

"I'd like to go to LA. I've never been to LA." I was on top of his chest. It was late one night at my house and I often wondered if anyone knew we existed. We were hidden away in this cocoon with only each other to survive. It felt fitting. It has always felt like there is room for the two of us, never too close together, never too far apart. 

Alex was tender with me. In the early stages, we acted awkward with one another, but it never felt awkward. Each step was some natural continuation even if it was performed weirdly. We weren't dating but I knew I loved Alex. I felt he loved me too by the way he clumsily petted my shiny hair back. "I went to Disney once with me grandmother."

"I want to go to Joshua Tree," I told him.

"Like the U2 album?"

I laughed. "It's a National Park, you idiot."

"Oh," he chuckled, "you and your parks. You're always wanting me to exercise. You think I'm unfit." Alex spoke jokingly but I got the feeling that parts of him did have concern over his body. He buried so much down that I think he couldn't even feel it at times.

The way his hand moved down my hair calmed me. I figured it might do the same for him. I brushed back his hair, out of his eyes and pushed back. I smiled at him and the fact I was lying on his bare chest after a round of pretty great sex should have been clue enough. "You're the fittest man at Barnsley College."

"Oh, fuck off, Janie. Ya play with me heart too much." 

I didn't know what else to say, so I just kissed him.

*

I don't know if no one ever found out, but nobody said anything. I figure most people guessed we were already doing it considering the ribbing Matt would give Alex sometimes. Everyone was too caught up in themselves anyway. Or maybe the whole Joanie and Matt drama when they broke up in the first week of April, got back together the second week of April, and then called it quits in the third week of April. Alex will deny ever caring about this gossip circus but we had too many intense debriefs on drives from Barnsley for him ever to get away with it.

Alex and I also talked about everything anyway. I'll we ever did was talk and fuck but I think that's what most of existence is anyway. Although, we took it to another level. The only place we didn't talk was a writing session but they were starting to grow farther apart and more an excuse to have sex & talk than to write.

I think I had never met someone willing to talk in such a way. We talked about intelligent things, dumb things, and, mostly, pointless things. Everything got rather complicated around April with people splitting up, splitting off, and looking to split. Somehow—and I really don't know how, considering how dumb and immature I was—Alex and I stayed intact. Alex deserves some credit but not all. He was the glue but I was still the piece he glued himself to.

We still weren't "official" or had a label but I wasn't seeing anyone else and neither was he. Even if we wanted to see other people there wasn't enough time because we were always hanging out with each other.

Except one thing. The future. I had decided to go to the University of Greenwich in the fall and Alex was going to focus on the band. Only I would be down in London, he would remain up North. I had a hard time believing that graduating from Barnsley wasn't graduating from us. There was still the promise of summer and Alex, more determined than ever, was playing gigs non-stop.

My mother was planning some bon voyage trip for me, although the destination had not been determined and it was sure to be more about her than me.

Before Alex could ask me his usual post-coitus question, I asked, "What if we went on a trip?"

We were lying side-by-side like bodies in a crypt. He stretched himself out with a moan. "Where would we go?"

"Hmmm, Japan?"

Alex chuckled. "You want to go to Japan?"

I sat up straight and stared at him. "What's so funny about that?"

"You think I can afford a trip to Japan?"

"Okay, what about France? We could take the train to Paris."

Alex's eyes squinted. He had detected the clear reason. He asked me, "Where are your parents going this summer?"

"I haven't been told yet." I was trying to act nonchalant. I threw my hair up, swung my legs over his bed, and dressed myself in underwear and my shirt. 

"Do you even know if they let you?"

I shrugged. "If we plan the whole thing they can't deny it. We should buy the tickets right away." I hopped onto his bed, giddy. The idea of a month away from them was glorious. I imagined a week in Paris with Alex as romantic as teenagers could be. We'd be rough and dirty and then go out and have dinner over candlelight while looking at the Eiffel Tower. I mocked the idea in my head but couldn't deny myself the pleasure of thinking about it. About him, scruffy and boyish, wrapped in a tuxedo. After the week was up, I'd have the house to myself, and Alex could come over and we could do whatever we wanted. I could throw a party with everyone I knew and people I didn't. I could throw a party just for him. 

I crawled toward him on the bed. He chuckled at my preying behavior, marching my way toward him. "We should get a hotel and it doesn't have to be fancy. In fact, let's get a really shitty hotel. Like one that doesn't have a toilet but also doesn't have bed bugs."

He laughed and wrapped his arms around my neck. I was pulled into him with a thud. It was a kiddish hug, like two children fighting on the playground. "It sounds nice." His tone said it all—slow, comforting, and never-going-to-happen. My parents would likely find a way to get a refund on everything or let the money wash down the drain. I didn't have much of a right to complain about the life they had given me. We'd likely go to some fabulous island and bake our skin. I had no problem with the islands. I had issues with the company.

Alex let me breathe and stood up to dress himself. He turned around and said, "I have something to show you."

I relaxed with my elbows on my knees and looked at him with eager eyes. He grabbed something out of a bag in the corner of the room and walked it back over to me with it hidden behind his back. He looked sheepish (more than usual). "We, uh, recorded some demos at that 2fly, you remember I told you about that." I nodded. He was fidgety and rubbing his hair. "Anyways, we burned them into CDs." He revealed the jewel case from behind his back. "For helping me out and all that, you know," he allowed himself to let out a chuckle, "I figured you deserve the first copy free."

He handed it over to me. There was artwork by Matt inserted into the front and a small tracklist on the back with about 6 songs on it. I tried to find the CD about a month ago after a curious individual asked to see it. Like most things from those early days, it's likely been disposed of somewhere between London and Wakefield. There were so many of those CDs that Alex eventually became less nervous to hand over to me first to get my review. One of them is likely stuck in my mother's old CD rack that she gave away once she discovered Pandora.

"You know where I'm going to listen to this first?" I asked him. My smile overwhelmed me. Alex's interest in my opinion was a boost of confidence that it seems weird to think where we would both be without the other, solely from the other's encouragement, even in separation.

"Where?" He grinned back at me.

"In my car while I'm driving you to work." I teased as he groaned and covered his ears dramatically. 

I continued, "If you make me drive you to work it's what you get."

He laid back on the width of his bed. "I'm giving you a gift and you're punishing me."

I rolled my eyes. "You complain about Sugababes, you complain about your own band. Do you want to just sit in silence?"

"We talk over all that music anyway." Alex had a point.

I leaned over him to make eye contact with him. "So does it matter what we play anyway?"

"I can't listen to meself and talk at the same time. And I'd like for you to be able to hear the thing and tell me what you think."

I sighed. "Alright. Who else are you giving them to?"

Alex shrugs. "Me parents maybe. Whoever buys them."

I scoffed.

"What?"

I shook my head and sat back on top of my feet. "Nothing."

Alex smiled and shook his head. "No, no, no, out with it."

"Who's going to buy some rubbish CD?" I questioned.

"Hey!" He sat up. "You haven't even listened to it and you're already telling me it's rubbish."

I tilted my head. "I'm not saying that. I'm saying the general audience member isn't going to drop 5 quid on some CD when they could use the money for something else. I'm not saying people won't buy it. But I wouldn't."

Alex scoffed. "Me own girlfriend won't buy me CD." 

I stilled for a moment and tried my best to not be obvious about my reaction. The word rolled off his mouth so I was going to let it roll off my back. Maybe we were dating. Was this dating? To me, it was a glorified bang. A friends-with-benefits situation with his chauffeur. I wasn't opposed to the idea. I wasn't over the moon that dating Alex would mean just this. Sex in his bedroom while we talked for an hour until I drove him to work. Maybe that's what dating was, even if no one knew about it. In the following years, dating Alex would mean just this. Not fully, but mostly talking and sex in a bedroom that wasn't mine. At least, I didn't have to drive him after 2006.

"I'm not saying that but it is a rare thing for me to buy a CD at a random gig, especially if you aren't the headliners," I explained.

He laughed and asked, "What do I do with all the ones we made?"

I tossed my head around and suggested, "Give them away."

"What to Salvation Army?"

I giggled and moved over him. My arms were on both sides of his head, closing in on him like a praying mantis. "No, at your gigs. You've got good tunes—"

"A few good," Alex interjected.

I rolled my eyes and continued, "You've got good tunes and people love free stuff."

"Who knew for a posh girl you were so giving?" He taunted me.

I pushed on him, rolling him down the length of his bed. "I am not posh! Take that back right now."

"You were just complaining over your month-long trip to The Bahamas. That's as posh as it gets." He was teasing but it felt like an insult. I always hated coming off as an ungrateful spoiled brat. I knew in some regard I was. When I wanted to get what I wanted it was an advantage. When I had to spend time with my family, it was a disadvantage. Even if he was right, it felt mean.

I removed myself from him and stood up. "I drive you everywhere you wanker and you grumble out some thank you and think it's alright because I let you fuck me."

The smile faded from his face and he sat up stiffly. "Huh?"

"And that!" I pointed my finger at him. "Those one-word responses that you do to placate me."

He furrowed his brows. "I'm not placating you."

"If anyone is posh, it's you." If I looked around the room at that moment, posh would not be the word to describe it. He had a point, my house was pretty posh. "You take advantage of people and twist them all about for your pleasure."

"What the fuck is going on?" My outburst was a clear whiplash.

I jutted out my head. "You insult me and you played these mind games with me for a year. You basically called me a slut and now I'm a posh bitch."

"I never said that." He was calm. It was infuriating. 

"You just did!"

"No, I didn't!"

We were two school children fighting. Squabbling over something stupid and throwing petty insults.

"Whatever, Alex." I quickly dragged on my jeans and grabbed my bag. "Who's gonna drive you now?"

"Where you going?" He stood up and walked over to my side of the room.

I turned around and walked down the stairs. "To my million-dollar mansion!" It wasn't a good comeback. It just proved his point more. Now I was a posh slut hot-headed bitch.

*

The following morning, my mother met Alex for the first time. She had opened the door for him when he knocked and yelled up to me getting ready in my room to come downstairs. In the great impression I made to act bratty back to her, yelling back down to her that I was getting ready. After she insisted loudly, I came downstairs. Alex was standing in the doorway, hands in his pockets, and eyes on me. 

I left the house to at least get us away from my mother. "Why are you here?" I asked him once we'd made it down the front steps.

"I'm giving you a ride."

I walked ahead of him, refusing to look for fear of overcoming emotion. I didn't want to calm down and his face with sorrowful innocence spread across it would have made me feel bad. "I don't need you to grovel."

"I'm not groveling." Alex has the aura of chill that washes over you. It's good in moments of panic, it's enraging in fights. 

My feet stomped hard as I marched to my car. "Don't play the denying game. It's so fucking annoying."

"I called you posh and you're flipping out. That's pretty fucking annoying."

I slammed open my car door. "You're always undercutting me."

His brows furrowed. "No, I'm not. You take everything as some insult against you. It was a dumb joke."

He was right. I didn't want him to be right. "Whatever, Al. Good luck with everything." 

I got into my car intending to drive off quickly until he hopped into the passenger seat. "I'm not driving you."

Alex ignored me and picked up the CD sitting on the car floor. "Did you listen to it?" He handed it over to me.

I snatched it out of his hand. "No," I shoved it back into his chest, "you can have it back too. Don't need to take pity on a rich girl."

"Come on, Janie—"

I interrupted, "Can you get out of my car please?"

He accepted my expression. The car fell silent and a moment later he nodded and got out of the car, CD in hand. I waited until he drove away to make sure we wouldn't run into one another in the parking lot. It was an overreaction on my part, I knew it even then, but doubling down made more sense to me than admitting any wrongdoing.

*

We didn't avoid each other. It was kind of hard to do since our whole friend groups became intertwined. Matt and Joanie breaking up reduced our likelihood of us hanging out but Matt was still one of my friends and we still shared a class together. Alex didn't tell Matt so I didn't either. We hung out in group circles on opposite sides. Not much had changed from before, no one really knew that anything more had been going on so we never had to explain ourselves.

We didn't hang out one-on-one anymore. College would be over in a month and after that, the chance of me ever seeing Alex again would diminish to a minimum. I would be in London and he would be stuck in Sheffield. It gave me pride even though I knew, deep down swallowed in my stomach, that I might not have gone to London if it weren't for Alex. I shook it off. I wasn't—and still won't—credit a guy for advancements I've made in my life through my own doing.

Matt invited me to their end-of-the-school-year gig at The Grapes but I didn't go. I, ashamedly so, hung out with Will instead. I felt kind of over that point in my life. All the blokes in Yorkshire felt old and I had an idea in my head that I'd meet my guy, the perfect guy, in London. Smoking a blunt with Will wouldn't change that. Having sex with him wouldn't change that either.

At night, in the moments before sleep fully swept me away, I had this thought that replayed in my head, despite my frustration with it. I had the vision that Alex would corner me in the parking lot again. He would shove the CD across the roof of my car, we'd hop in and drive around listening to it, even if he hated the sound of his voice. It never happened. Not even close.

I made no effort to talk to him and he made no effort to talk to me. I think people started to pick up on that. Claire asked me about it once when everyone was out for a night. I shrugged but didn't say anything.

It was weird for our whole relationship to be over abruptly over something that seemed stupid to me even then. I was mad at myself for not doing anything to change but I also didn't want to do anything to change it because Alex wasn't doing anything. I figured he didn't care much. Had his fill and went on to the next, which I know he did.

At the party where Claire asked me about Alex, he was in the corner doing his usual routine with a new move: kissing. I was mad but I knew I didn't have the right to be mad and that made me madder. Why was he willing to kiss this random girl after a night but didn't bother with me for months? I didn't think highly of Alex after that. I didn't think highly of myself either.

*

A week after graduation my family went to Monaco. My mother has always had an unhealthy obsession with Grace Kelly so much so that she had dyed her hair to look like her. My father liked gambling and the Grand Prix. 

The vacation was more fun than I thought it would be. There's not much to do in Monaco so Stacey and I would sneak off into France. It wasn't my ideal vacation and there were plenty of somber tones throughout the month of June but I wouldn't trade anything for the days Stacey and I had. It was the first time we got along fully, with no fighting, bonded completely by necessity at first, and then, eventually, wanting to hang out with one another.

Much like the year prior, when I came back in July, Joanie invited me to her birthday party. The details of her and Matt were iffily given to me over emails. They had gotten back together sometime at the tail-end of June but decided on being friends, which probably looked more like when Alex and I were "friends" or whatever he was calling it.

Joanie's party was small because she only had one request: to get out of Yorkshire. The original plan was for us all to go down to London but AB had to work the next day and refused to wrangle a herd of sheep on a 3-hour train ride. Claire's dad lives in Manchester so Joanie decided she wanted a night of pubbing in Manchester.

Joanie, Claire, and I took the train over early that day and got ready in Claire's bedroom, which likely hadn't been slept in since before Y2K. We had our usual getting-ready conversation. Promises of "getting so fucked up tonight" and desire to get the best lay. We didn't address it but we knew it would likely be one of the last big nights we all had together. 

The trio of us might have planned out staying best friends forever but we were all going in separate directions. Joanie would study at Leeds Trinity and Claire would go to Aston. While rough plans were promised to meet up at the halfway point of Birmingham, it was never fulfilled. Our time together after that summer was mostly reserved for holidays and then, as we got even more spread out across the globe, reunions at weddings, baby showers, and Joanie's divorce party last year, which might have been decently akin to this night.

We arrived at the club, pre-gamed, and ready to wait in the queue. The Monkeys were there in full form, AB cozied up to Claire, Rosie and Will were in the throes again, and those other participants that aren't important to the story, even if dear Jenny let me use the bathroom before her.

I was in the back with Claire, in a skirt that felt too short and too tight. Alex stood at the front of the queue with Matt. He was swaddled in a black jumper and had a haircut since I had been gone. They had been playing basement gigs throughout the summer. I heard the crowds had been getting bigger and it felt weird not to be witness to that after seeing them play in empty rooms. 

When the front of the queue had been reached, there had been some disagreement with the bouncers that caused Joanie to slide up next to Matt and pout, "Matty, come on." Either way, Alex looked scared out of his mind, Andy looked higher than a kite, Jamie was spitting some gibberish out at the bouncers, and Will attempted to slip the bouncers cash, which ended up pissing them off even more. 

Now, at the time, I wasn't aware of the importance of this incident. To me, it was the usual behavior for a Saturday night in July, besides the fact that nearly everyone I knew had become involved in this row. To Claire and me in the back, we couldn't help but laugh at the whole scene as AB attempted to referee only for Rosie to unintentionally punch him in the face.

At the time, it was a simple, funny moment. The club also happened to be named The Ritz, which would later be progressed by "to the Rubble" famously.

After the whole ordeal, we landed at some other, much less notable club. Joanie seemed disappointed but celebrated herself nonetheless.

I ended up sitting next to Alex after a round of nonconsensual musical chairs. We didn't talk at all. It was just some awkward side-by-side thing like kids being forced to take a picture together. His knee rubbed up against mine and it felt illegal to feel anything for it, even if I was rattled by it.

I abruptly stood up and walked outside for a cigarette. He had been shy the whole night. He had always been shy. I don't know what made him get the courage to come out and talk to me but the second I took my first drag, he was standing beside me.

"Was Monaco fun?" He was being nice but it felt awkward and stiff and my back hurt from looking at him.

I nodded and stared at him intently. 

He nodded and leaned beside me on the wall.

"Basement shows fun?"

He shrugged. "Yeah, suppose."

"Lot more people coming," I told him what I had heard.

"Yeah, well, it wasn't my idea to give the CDs away."

A chill went up my spine. I dared myself to remain cool. "You're doing that?"

He nodded as I looked on at him, but he stared forward and didn't say anything.

The silence ached around us. My body felt ill from shoving everything down inside. There wasn't much of a point anymore to try and faze him out. He had made the approach, now I had to make mine. The only thing that gave me enough courage was that if it all went bad I'd be out of here within a month and never have to face him again.

"I'm sorry about what happened in May." We had switched positions this time. I gazed onward as he looked over at me. I felt embarrassed to look him in the eye like a bucket of shame would fall on me as soon as I did.

Alex shook his head and looked down at his shoes giving me an excuse to look at him. He looked more timid than I had ever seen him with me. His hands shoved deep in his pockets and he was slouched over like he had worked a desk job for 40 years. "It's alright. Shouldn't've said anything about your family. Shouldn't have said any of it."

"It's fine," I mumbled.

It was quiet. Mutters from pub chaos spilled out onto the street but Alex and I were silent. He shifted at one point and I thought he was about to leave but he pulled out his own cigarette from his pack. I was shocked by the profound hurt I felt from it. That he didn't ask for a drag of mine first before stealing one from my pack, handing me his lighter, and having me do the honors. 

"You got that Boardwalk gig coming up in August, right?" I wanted to go but almost felt I needed permission to go.

He nodded. "When are you leaving for London?"

"September 5. Getting settled down there before classes start and all." An anchor hung on my heart and I regretted, hated, and scathed myself for ignoring him all summer. I tried to reason that he did the same but my mind always replayed shoving him out of my car over and over again.

"You excited?"

I was short because I think pain would have overcome me if I had spoken about it more. "Mhmm."

I hadn't left the door open for him to say more and I didn't quite know what to say either. We had never lacked flow in our conversations before. I was then struck by how a little over a year ago, Alex and I spoke for the first time. I wanted the wit. I wanted the charm. I wanted him to stare me down and tell me everything about myself. I feel like I had discouraged that out of him and I was miserable at the thought he would never tell me how he knew me again.

And then he scuffed out his cigarette and turned to walk back into the pub and the only thought in my mind was that I would never see him again. Maybe off chances around town or through parties that Joanie would insist on throwing in the winter but I would never be stuck outside a pub smoking a cigarette with him again. I collapsed inward.

"Was I your girlfriend?" I shouted out to him. I wasn't sure what else to ask. In my quick thinking, it seemed like the most likely thing to make him stay.

Alex stilled and I felt like I was in a movie. It might as well have been raining and he was Spider-Man or something. He didn't move and he didn't say anything like he was convinced that I was a figment of his imagination.

After a period of no replies, I explained, "You said it before we had our fight and I never got to ask you if you really meant it or if it was a slip of the tongue."

He turned around and walked back over. He leaned his side against the wall and crossed his arms. Anyone who says suave Alex Turner didn't show up until a 2011 haircut wasn't acquainted with the behavior of Alex Turner outside a pub in the early aughts. "I don't know."

He was evasive, per usual. "Did you want me to be?"

Alex mulled something over, thought up and down about it before answering, "Yeah, I think so. I thought about it a lot. Did you?"

He flipped it on me and my back was both literally and figuratively up against the wall. "Yeah. I thought about it too much really. Practically writing Alexander David Turner and Jane Rebecca Turner in a heart on the back of my notebook."

"Rebecca?" He questioned.

I rolled my eyes. "Stop it." He chuckled and I wanted to swim around him in delight.

"Nothing wrong with Rebecca." He insisted. "Shall I start calling you Becky?"

"Stop, you're lucky I even let you call me Janie."

"What's wrong with Janie?"

I shrugged. "I've never liked it. My dad calls me Janie."

"I would've stopped if you told me you didn't like it."

I shook my head. "I didn't want you to. Truth be told."

"Okay, Janie," he enunciated. 

I smiled and felt like everything—nearly everything—had snapped back into place. Then, he leaned in and kissed me. His lips were soft and felt light-headed, likely due more to dehydration but I'm sure Alex triggered it. 

But I pushed him back with an insistent shake of my head. "I'm sorry."

He looked solemn but he nodded and said, "It's fine."

I wanted to. I wanted him all over me, twisting about inside me, and creeping through every corner. "No. I just—in a month, I'll be too far away for you to even remember my face. I'd rather we at least be friends."

Alex nodded. There was something hidden beneath him but I was never able to place my finger on quite what he was thinking then. Although, he smiled and said, "You'll always be my friend, Janie."

I don't quite remember the rest of the night. It was a drink-covered night and a headache-filled morning. I tried not to dwell and for the most part, I didn't, until the train ride home when I thought how nice it would have been to rest my head on Alex's shoulder.

*

Their Boardwalk gig, stuck in the basement of The Boardwalk, took place about 3 weeks before I was due to leave and like most people when change is about to happen, I became nostalgic for everything. Everything felt like a last time and I wanted to grip at everything while I had the chance.

Since Alex and I reconnected, not much had changed. I hadn't seen or spoken to him since we were outside the pub but when Matt told me how cool it would be if I came to The Boardwalk gig, I considered it to be an invite approved by Alex.

I wore jeans and my first University of Greenwich t-shirt, which I know I still have because, despite the wear and tear from the years, I still wear it. 

The gig felt more electric and rambunctious than any of their other gigs from the moment you walked in. It was the first time I couldn't see the stage at one of their gigs. People were all piled up in the front. Now, it still was nowhere near the level that they would become, not even near the level it was just a couple of months later, but it felt as though I had gone away and they returned with an army.

When they entered the stage, you would have thought people had been set on fire. It felt bizarre. Alex seemed so meek, yet so commanding. They stood, said nothing, before banging into "I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor."

I had never heard the song before but people writhed along to the beat in an intense fashion. I was situated in the back and mostly uninterrupted by any knocking about. I sometimes enjoyed a good crashing into one another but alone in that hot basement, I was focused on Alex. More importantly, what Alex was saying.

Moreso, just one line he was singing, "Dancing to electro-pop like a robot from 1984." I threw my head back in laughter because my perception of it was Alex giving me a nod in one of his songs. I didn't read into it. He's a writer. He's an observer.

When the gig ended, in a rushed sweaty manner, I was quick to leave, not wanting to be squashed in the crowd. I went outside for fresh air and enjoyed a smoke. It hit me after a breeze that he wrote a song about me. Now, I'm one easy to fall for flattery when it isn't there but come on! He wrote that song about me!

I smiled to myself as their equipment van, also known as Matt's mum's van, pulled up. I stayed positioned on the wall and finished my smoke as I watched them load up the vehicle. 

Matt was the first to notice me. "How long you been watching us?

"Only a few minutes!" I yelled back. I noticed the way Alex's head turned and can still picture the look on his face to this day. You'd feel dimwitted for every decision you made prior that didn't result in that look on his face.

Alex excused himself from the group and made his way over to me. "I'm not gonna give you one of my cigarettes, Turner."

He chuckled. "Shush. Matt's mum can't know I smoke."

My head leaned back against the wall and his frame was right before me. "You were pretty great tonight."

"That your review?" Alex has often said and written about girls having him twisted around their fingers, but he must be acting humble because he had me twisted about his. He was leaning over me in some screwy blue tee with definite pit stains. It was the most charming thing I had seen at 18. 20 years later, it's still in my top 5.

"I haven't put it in writing yet."

"Ah, so I'll get a formal review from Ms. Cavendish. Shall it be printed up in The Star?" He teased me.

"Pft," I uttered, "you aren't big enough for The Star. Maybe the Barnsley College Chronicle."

He shrugged. "Well, you're a good writer. It'll be good no matter where it's printed."

"You've never read anything I've written," I pointed out.

"On the contrary, I read your emails all the time—"

I jabbed his upper arm. "Your eloquence is paralyzing. What about your song tonight?"

Man was cheeky. "Which one?" 

"Oh, I don't know, there was the one about the train, the one about the shoes, the one about the schoolgirl, and the one about me."

"Oh, okay," he tilted his head and nodded in understanding before deadpanning, "Yeah, that doesn't narrow it down for me. You're a schoolgirl with shoes who I've seen take the train before."

"I think you've got your next big hit there, Al, 'You're A Schoolgirl With Shoes Who I've Seen Take the Train Before' sounds like a Top 40 tune."

Then, he looked serious, completely twisted. "Do you want to go back to my house?"

I joked, "I'm not a hooker, Al."

He laughed then grabbed my arm and dragged me behind him like a ragdoll. "I've got something to give ya."

30 minutes later, on the edge of his bed, I watched Alex dig around in his dresser drawers. "Are you looking for a gun or something?"

"Well, I might as well be playing Russian roulette with this."

I frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Alex kept scouring through his drawers. He stopped, pulled something out and held it behind his back. It was exactly like what preempted our fight. Exactly. He handed the CD to me for the second time. "Still free," Alex promised.

I smiled and grabbed it off him. "I won't throw a bitch fit this time, I swear."

"Nah, you're alright. A little bossy but..."

I didn't fight him. I examined the CD once again, noticing "Dancefloor" on the tracklist. "Did you really write a song for me?"

"Well, it was more for the band but if you want to sing it you can."

I stuck my tongue out at him. "So much for being sweet." He sat beside me, not touching, but close enough. 

For the first time ever, I opened the CD's jewel case. The CD had "Jane C." written on it in Al's handwriting. A piece of paper was wedged in the corner of the case. I pulled the paper free. It was a note, a short one, but Alex's pen had scrawled across it. It read: Don't make fun of me, Jane, I can't help that you've twisted me around you.

I looked up at him, voice caught in my throat and heart pounding, but he was coyly looking off to the side. "Was this in here when you first gave it to me?"

He nodded. "Figured you never—hoped you never opened it. It was some soppy note but I figure you should have it. I don't need any more CDs."

I looked back down at the CD. Everything was plain-looking but, to me, it was crafted just for me. The way the J swung up in my name and the note had sat perfectly in the clip. "Am I a jerk?" I certainly felt like one.

Alex was quick to shake his head. "No."

I heavily blew air out, trying to contain something inside me. "I feel like one."

He insisted, "You're not a jerk or a dickhead or a bitch or whatever you want to beat yourself up with." His arm curled around me but didn't touch me. I felt like I was Medusa, scaring him off.

"I'm an idiot. I had to throw some hissy fit over you calling me posh. How stupid is that?"

Alex failed to hide his laughter but told me, "You're not stupid."

"Just emotionally inept." He didn't protest to that. Back then I wanted to grow up and be mature so quickly that I struggled with the fact that at 18 I wasn't supposed to know how to handle these situations, especially with adult emotionally inept role models.

Alex brought a more somber tone to the conversation. "Consider it my parting gift for London. You can play it and think of me if you want to do that."

I felt constrained. "I'd want to do that."

He gave me a small smile but the room had fallen low and melancholic. There was nothing more to say and everything to say. I had bit back things for so long in my life that it felt natural when a dream died. The ache it usually caused had grown numb but this time I was dealing with a pounding on my chest that threatened to crack my ribs.

"You can kiss me if you want," I uttered.

"What?" He questioned. His look was buggy-eyed and furrowed.

"Come on, that line has got to work at some point," I joked. 

He shook his head back and forth in short movements. His confusion was palpable. "Do you want that? I mean, after the Manchester thing."

I felt confident in myself. Boosted up and sitting up straight. "Yeah. But I don't want to go to London and listen to your CD and think of how I could've been thinking of the summer I spent with my boyfriend instead of a guy who became a sudden stranger."

"What do you want to go to London with?"

I looked over at him and fractions of seconds passed like minutes. "It feels ridiculous to settle things down now."

Alex must have started feeling bold. A grin wedged on his face and he knocked his knee with mine. "You want me to be your boyfriend, Janie?"

I groaned. "When you say it that way it becomes all dorky. Like, 'Do you want to hold hands and skip down the prairie?'"

He chuckled. "Then, what do you want me to say? 'Get down and suck my cock.'"

I rolled my eyes. "Your vulgarity is too alarming for me."

"Yeah, well, we've beaten around it enough." Alex took me off guard and pulled me around the waist and landed us with our backs on his bed.

I put my hand on his chest to keep my distance. "I don't want this to be it. I'm sick of all this bon voyage shite. So, if this is some goodbye fuck to you—"

He interrupted and tugged me to him. We were both on our sides, chest-to-chest. "We've got a whole month of fucks before a goodbye one."

It lit fires on both ends of my coil and they both engulfed the ends of me before forcing themselves inward to my heart. "What if I don't want the goodbye one?"

Alex pulled me closer, desperate but letting me talk. "Then, I'll take the train down to London whenever you need it. Don't act like you're going off to war, Janie. I'll make my way to you."

That fulfilled me to no end. I can still feel the burst of that comment pushing in on me. I can think of the way he said every word and how halfway through he pushed my hair behind my ear so tenderly that I think it left a brush burn on me forever. 

"So, if I call you at 3 in the morning and beg you to come take care of me you will?" I quipped.

He smirked. "Well, I'd like to see you beg."

I rolled my eyes. "Dirty, dirty, dirty."

"I'm likely only a kiss away from fucking you if you'll ever let me." His nose almost knocked with mine. The room would have felt on fire if the window wasn't open letting the night air suppress the sweat.

"Sounds like you are begging."

We kissed and then we had sex. It was quick and sloppy, limbs flying and desperation influencing every move. It wasn't about want or desire anymore, it was about filling a need. I didn't stay at his house for long. I snuck out to avoid his parents catching on and texted him when I got home. The height of 2000s romance.

Finally, I listened to the CD. I'm not sure when I went to sleep that night but when I woke up it felt like I had never slept. I was buzzed in every way and he was parasitic. My every thought.

Later that day, I told Claire and Joanie what had happened while we shopped. Joanie, who had recently decided to never speak to Matt again, told me, "Pft, good luck with those rockstars."

Claire's brows furrowed. "They play shows in club basements. I hardly think they're rockstars."

"All I'm saying is don't put your heart into him too heavy, especially moving away. Jane, what were you thinking?" Joanie questioned.

I shrugged. "I don't want to question it for the rest of my life. If it doesn't work out, I'll never have to see him again. If it does, which I'm not fooling myself that we're going to get married, but if it does work out then what a great story it'll make."

"Joanie's gotten jaded," Claire said. "I think it's romantic. Who made the first move?"

I squinted. "That's debatable. I made a move about a year ago and he turned me down."

"What?!" Joanie yelled out. "How come we didn't hear about it?"

I shrugged. "I was a little embarrassed, I think. That's all."

Claire prodded me for more. "Who kissed who?"

"He did back in March," I said it all nonchalantly and I knew what kind of reaction I was trying to provoke in them.

Both their sets of hands stopped moving through the clothing racks and both heads turned in a snap toward me, their jaws dropped down. "What?!"

*

We didn't hide it from that point on. There wasn't much sense in keeping it under wraps, especially since we both knew what it meant. Matt insisted he knew all along, which he didn't. 

That period in August was hot and muddy but it was a time I looked at fondly even in the moment. I had a feeling in me of remembrance. Desperate for every detail to be implanted and forcing myself to not forget one single thing. I suppose some had slipped away but the rest I've held on tightly to.

There was one evening, a rare hangout with the Monkeys, AB, Claire, and me, where we sat around watching movies at Andy's house because his parents were out of town. There wasn't much nefarious activity besides blunts being passed. I don't even think anybody drank a beer or anything. 

Al and I shared one between us while we watched 2 Fast 2 Furious and I chanted things into his ear like "The cars. They are just so fast." The spliff injected rare public affection in me. (Christ, Alex and I didn't even hold hands in public until we were 22). He was laid down in the corner of the settee and I placed my back onto his chest. My head wedged into the crook of his neck and he sat his chin on top of my head. His arms were around me and I played with his hands more than I paid attention to the movie. It was a comfort I had never felt and I'm not sure, even after many more years with Alex, I ever felt again.

*

I like Alex's sternum. Alex says it's one of the weirdest things about me. Once in an interview, I was asked what my favourite body part of his was and when I answered with sternum it wasn't the expected response. Yes, he's got a lovely head of hair. Yes, those arms are nice. Yes, the ass, I've seen it, I've squeezed it. Yes, his dick, which is just a weird way of people wanting to know the specific enlargement or shrink of a certain body point. Aren't all those questions weird roundabout ways of asking dick length?

His sternum is hard as most bones are but there's a soft layer of skin that covers it and the way his chest dips makes me convinced that it was molded inward for me. Somewhere around our last week together, when it was the two of us, I got into the habit of placing my head there. It turned into instinct. We didn't talk much in those moments. Faded in between a deep sleep and deep lust. I had never wanted him more and I never wanted to do him less. I wanted to eat him alive and then I wanted to cuddle him in my arms. It felt natural to just be with him. No muss, no fuss, no expectations, or preconceived notions. I had never felt that before.

"What if I meet this super hot guy in London and he hits on me and I tell him I have a boyfriend and he's all like 'Your boyfriend doesn't need to know' and I'm all like 'I don't want to lie to him' and he's also like Jude Law or something." It was September 1. I was rambling. His chest moved rhythmically up...down...up...down.

"Jude Law is your type?" He questioned.

"He's just the first person I thought of."

Alex hummed. "I would've thought you were more of a Hugh Grant."

I sat up with a gasp and laid my hands on top of his chest. "I totally am more a Hugh Grant."

Alex tapped his temple. "I've got you down, Cavendish. You're all memorized."

"So, what if I told you I was running off with Hugh Grant?" I asked him.

"Didn't he get caught with a prostitute?" 

I stared at him. "This is all besides the point. Hot Guy tries to steal me away. What do you do?"

Alex sighed. "Do you want the realistic version or the fantasy version?"

"The fantasy version, of course." The real version was obvious. We'd break up. I didn't want that and I didn't want Hugh Grant. 

"Alright," he said. I laid back down beside him and his arm curled its way around me. "I would fly to London, this is an urgent matter."

"Precisely. You only have a set amount of time before Evil Hot Guy takes me away."

"I would track you down and kick his ass."

My grin fell. "Oh, that's it. That wasn't very fantastical."

Alex caught my drift and chuckled. "Okay, why not this? I find you guys on a desert island—"

I interrupted, "In London?"

He let out a loud sigh. "Janie, do you want me to save you or not?"

I nodded. "Okay, okay, continue."

"I would shoot him down—"

"You'd kill a man for me!"

"I don't like this game, Janie."

*

We never said "I love you" but we were both on opposites of the same wire and I think we both knew how the other felt solely by their actions. Alex has this grin. He does a little quiver trying to fight it, yank it down before it's uncontrollable. His efforts to hide it just make it cuter like he's an ashamed little boy. Alex has told me my tell-tale sign was the hug I gave him when I left for London. I don't think we'd ever simply hugged before.

It was the night before I left. He stopped by my house and we hid in my room for hours just talking. We felt the need to accumulate every social need for one another in those last few hours. Alex would visit but there was no date and despite his reassurances, in my paranoid mind, I thought that he was appeasing until I went away to be forgotten about. 

We would both be busy. I had school to worry about and Alex and the band were having their first round of gigs outside Sheffield. They were all about north and I wouldn't go to any of them but Alex told me over the phone what they were like, never going into too much detail other than the excitement of them.

"Maybe I'll hate London," I told him during our goodbye.

He squeezed my shoulder. "You'll love every minute of it." He was (almost) right. And that sucked.

I had thought about all the words I could tell him and said none. I felt like crying but didn't. It didn't seem deserved when I was choosing to move away. It was a light goodbye. A deep hug where he held me close to his chest and I could feel the rivets of his ribs. At the time it was solemn but seldom. In a year's time, it was the average behavior to always be saying goodbye.

He kissed me and pulled back. His hands rested on my shoulders and he gave me a half-grin. "You have a good time, Jane C."

I gave a wistful smile and touched his elbow. "See ya."

*

The air in London was heavy for me or maybe that was just the weight that crushed down on my ribs in constant swelling of pain. London was half the reason I felt cool, even nowadays. My first month there was spent walking down bustling streets painted with rain and my boots sweeping the ground.

I called Alex every night telling him, "You have to come down here. Sheffield is nothing." I loved London but all the people I loved were back up north. On the days when I was in class, Alex was working. On the nights when I was a lone soul in my room, he was playing shows.

It was never out of the expectation. We went in with the understanding that it might be the end but every time when it seemed we would part ways, we didn't. I thought about the idea of being single because it feels like the proper thing your first year at university but I could never accept it.

In my Poetry & Prose class, I met Georgia, a dark-headed girl from Sussex who dressed like Patti Smith and acted like she was in a Tarantino film. Before class, we'd grab a coffee together, and give each other a rundown of the reading material to make sure we weren't going to make fools of ourselves.

I would read her work over a tea and she would suffer reading mine with a coffee. She had high standards but was too polite to ever insult you for what you'd written. I never had Alex read any of my poetry because I've never been good at it but in my first year, it was more akin to Kim Kardashian's "Jam (Turn it Up)" than Emily Dickinson. Georgia wrote with the sorrow of Sylvia Plath and the horniness of Leonard Cohen's Buddhist poems. There wasn't much competition.

Georgia introduced me to a group of her friends that were in line with my Barnsley friends but stoned wayyyy more often and enjoyed dressing like beatniks and sometimes acting like them. I felt adjacent to the group other than my connection with Georgia but they were good fun and always had things going on. Whether it was classy slam poetry or getting high in Hyde Park. Everyone was nice although very evasive.

Robert—who talked like Jack Kerouac had stuck his hand up his ass and spoke out of his mouth for him—was the only group member I hung out with solo besides Georgia. We would go record shopping but never buy anything because neither of us had players. Every 2 weeks he would give me a supply of Adderall that he had been prescribed since he was 10 but not taken since 15.

I told Alex about them but all my stories were hard to explain over the phone and in the midst of whatever he was up to. That's when I e-mailed him my first piece. It was written about a night out, in which we slept over at Robert's flat and a high Robert attempted to cook us dinner but nearly burned his apartment down instead when he put the dinner in a plastic Tupperware and stuck it in the oven. 

It wasn't as movie-worthy as passing your notebook across the hood of a girl's car but it's hard to say I'd be writing this book if Alex had been unable to stay on the phone for longer than 10 minutes. My writing before that has been a mish-mosh of things but had always been fiction. I began to write autobiographical and sometimes when I would say, "The craziest thing happened last night." Alex would shush me and tell me to write him a piece about it.

*

My brother got married at Cornwell Manor at the end of October. Alex reluctantly accompanied me after a gig in Sheffield the night before. The only reason he came was because we hadn't seen one another since my London move. The wedding was likely to be no fun but with Alex, part of the ache would be soothed. Plus, I would achieve my tux fantasy.

I had been there for 2 days before his arrival fulfilling familial and bridesmaid duties. I wasn't close to the bride-to-be, Cecilia. I wasn't close with Greg either but it seemed traditional to have all members of the family in the wedding. Stacey got a thrill out of being old enough to be a bridesmaid since she was the flower girl at Harper's wedding.

Alex and I didn't have much of an opportunity to catch up before we had to race off to the rehearsal dinner. He arrived, in his mum's car, wearing scrapped jeans and a polo shirt looking too nice for someone who probably didn't go to bed until 5 AM and drove for 3 hours. Too nice for someone who was begrudgingly here.

I had planned the smoking of a cigarette in time for his arrival. Stood on the kerb of the parking lot, flicking away at one. I was already dressed for the rehearsal dinner and if my mother had caught me stinking it up with a smoke, she'd have skinned me alive, even though my father was definitely doing the same thing with a smelly cigar. The dress was a green satin midi dress, on theme with Cecilia's selected theme colors. I had a white cardigan thrown over the top, which my mother made me take off as soon as we entered the venue because it "clashed." The weather was near freezing but god be damned if I messed with the theme. Alex threw his jacket over me halfway through the dinner and my mother didn't say anything. In the back of my mind, I thought she might have found the gesture too sweet to criticize. She was probably too drunk by that point.

"I heard the entertainment has to arrive 'round the back!" I yelled out to him as he was still getting out of the car.

His head snapped to meet my eyes. That smile spread across his face and he has always looked good to me over the roof of a car. "Pretty sure I'm not getting paid to be here."

I pouted and swayed my hips. "How unfortunate! Is there some other way I can pay you, sir?"

He eyed me—up, down—and I wondered how tempting that emerald shade was to him. "Get yer ass over here."

I tossed my cigarette down, not even bothering to scuff it out, and skipped over to Alex. I threw my arms around his neck like he did to my waist. It felt bizarre to care this much about the presence of one person but I had counted down the days to Greg's wedding for the sole reason of Alex. I had been trapped with my family for 2 days with little escape other than the hotel swimming pool. It felt like convalescence. 

I pulled back and pecked his lips. "Hi." 

"Aw, what you doing with that?" He teased before kissing me full-on. I felt necessary even if I was eager to just look at him. His hair looked freshly cut for the occasion, likely through his mother's insistence. His face looked tired, if sprawled with an adrenaline rush that might have been due to me if I should pleasure myself enough to say.

"How was the drive?" I asked, pulling away from him so he could get his things from the car. No matter how much I wanted him to be there, I did feel like I was taking him away from something. Likely tired from the night before but also in the thick of gigs and taking 2 nights off of work at The Boardwalk. Guilty for forcing him to come to an event that was likely to either be the most boring thing we ever attended or the most explosive thing in Cavendish family history, which would be saying something.

Alex was polite. He wouldn't tell me, even if the drive sucked. "Fine. No traffic. How have things been here?"

"Fine. No traffic." I repeated, crossing my arms to warm myself up a bit. He gave me a look to prompt me for more. "It's been fine. Mainly hung out with Stacey and Harper hasn't been so bad. My parents are a different story. This dinner will likely be the test of things with the two of them."

"Why? What's going on?"

I grabbed his backpack, despite his urging otherwise, while he handled his suit. We made our way to my hotel room that I was sharing with Stacey, which had and would be interesting. "Their usual B.S. mainly. They got in some fight last night that won't be a good recipe for today when they are forced to sit next to each other for 5 hours."

Alex's eyes bulged. "5 hours?" Yeah, I hadn't exactly briefed him on that part.

"Okay, we don't have to stay the full time. After the toasts, we can leave whenever we want. Or you can leave whenever you want. You're more my date to the wedding anyway."

He shook his head. "No, I'll leave when you leave. Won't be any fun without you anyway. In case it isn't obvious, I missed you."

I felt a wave of unexpected shyness fall over me. His voice was so quiet and sincere that I felt like I wasn't supposed to hear it. I was overhearing Alex's thoughts. I dared to look back at him, a smile bright across his face, forcing me to reciprocate. "I missed you too, Al."

He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and kissed the top of my head. It was quick and brief, the amount of intimacy we limited ourselves to in those days. "You look very pretty too, Jane C."

"You look sweaty." It ripped laughter from him, something I so desperately desired even more than wanting to bed him. Alex was never something to do. I found my most desirable moments were squared away within the sentences we had for one another. A joke, a fragmented note, an email.

Despite the size of my parents' wallets and their often habit of indifference, the room was 2 queen-sized beds with orders of one being for Alex and one for Stacey & me. Somehow through Alex's stays at my house, Stacey and Alex had never met.

She was lounging on the bed closest to the window when we walked in. Dressed in a-line dress in the same shade of green as mine. She looked darling as my mother would say.

"Mum's gonna kill you for lying on the bed and wrinkling your dress," I told her when Alex and I walked in.

She was playing Snake on her Nokia. Something she ended up doing for nearly the whole rehearsal dinner. "She'll be too busy making fun of Cece anyway."

Stacey had yet to look up from her phone as I threw Alex's bag down on the other bed. "If Cecilia hears you calling her Cece she'll rip your head off."

"So pretentious," Stacey mocked.

Alex chuckled at Stacey's tone. The noise made Stacey lift her head, noticing Alex for the first time. "Oh, Alex is here," she emphatically said. She sat up on her knees. "Or should I say Alexander? How formal am I meant to get here to avoid death threats?"

I rolled my eyes. "Just get off the bed so I don't have to deal with mum's wrath?" 

On the elevator down to the dinner, Stacey found the perfect chance for her cross-examining of Alex. "You're in a band, right?"

He nodded. Smart, don't say anything that can be printed on the record.

"Does that mean you have a lot of groupies?" Oh, brother.

Alex laughed at the idea. "I don't think so."

Ever the instigating interrogator, she continued, "I'm sure you have plenty girls throwing themselves at you."

"Stacey," I warned. 

She played the dumb act. "What?"

Alex shrugged. "I don't know. Your sister maybe."

He was already laughing by the time I punched him in the arm. The elevator doors opening saved him from any further wrath.

Upon entering dinner, Alex finally formally met my parents. My mother was dressed in a too-tight dress with poorly done make-up to make her look like Tammy Faye. She was only 1 glass of wine in. My dad towered over Alex, puffed out his chest like he had something to prove, something to protect. "Now, Janie, what do we have here?" He asked as we entered.

Stacey was smart to use the distraction and her size to her advantage as she quickly ducked off to her seat. Alex stood up straight, even if he looked awkward in his suit. Throughout the night, he would complain that he looked like a complete dork and despite my reassuring that he looked handsome, he insisted he would never wear a suit again. Sounds like a mighty lie now.

"Alex, my dad, Richard." I introduced. My father offered up his hand, giving a tough and rough handshake with Alex. 

My mother slushed her glass around in her hand and introduced herself. "Polina, honey, but everyone calls me Lina."

"Why are you talking like that?" I questioned my mother's sweetness and talking in a near-country accent.

That sugar evaporated quickly as she ordered me, "Don't criticize me, Jane. You go take a seat."

I didn't fight. I walked to my seat next to Stacey, and Alex followed silently.

"Well, that's a good idea of what she's like. Alcohol will either make her more or less bearable," I whispered to Alex.

He was too consumed with fiddling with his suit jacket to care much about how my mother or father acted. 

That night, after a dinner that lasted too long with extended toasts and delayed meals due to catering issues, Alex and I slept in the same bed with Stacey making kissing noises from the other bed.

Once the noises had died down and she seemingly went to sleep, Alex and I slipped out of the room, dressed in our pajama pants and our winter coats. There was a little bench around the back of the hotel, tucked away on the edge of the parking lot. We sat there. I hugged my knees to my chest and Alex leaned back and rested his arm behind me on the back of the bench. We thought about smoking a cigarette but didn't.

I told him, "Dasha is doing this weird art project right now. Like a totally bizarro nudist Dali fever dream and she's trying to recruit all of us to do it."

"Wait, who's Dasha?" It was hard not to feel like our lives were becoming separated. Sometimes it didn't bug me. Other times it felt like we weren't listening to one another.

"Dasha is the one who works with Henry."

"And Henry is...?"

"Georgia's boyfriend. Do you know who Georgia is?" I was snapping, being bitter, and still to this day I have a habit of ruining moments over little things. I didn't know half of Alex's friends' names, all those band idiots. Alex never talked about them though. They were all referred to as a collective, never giving specific names. 

He took in stride as always. "Yeah, yeah. Who is Jane though?"

I let go of my knees to slap his chest. "Shut up, Matthew."

"Come here, you." Alex wrapped his arms around me and tugged me roughly into him. A squeal came from my lips and forgot about the rest, focusing on his lips instead. We kissed slowly. Kisses that would never be forgotten behind that hotel. 

We returned to our talks of nothingness that to anyone other than the two of us wouldn't have been very important but the words we whispered to one another were so pure I couldn't imagine even placing them in writing for someone else to read. 

*

In November, I sprained my ankle. I fell backward onto my foot and pop! After walking on it for a full day I eventually got it checked out to confirm the sprain. The ache from the sprain only lasted about a weekend where I stayed holed up in my bed writing emails to Alex that he didn't respond to until the following week. I didn't complain much, even if I was mildly annoyed that I was in pain and he was oblivious to it.

There was a dull ache surrounding the whole thing. When the news finally did reach him, he offered to come down for the weekend. By that point, it was 2 weeks after the injury and my sprain had fully healed, minus some soreness. I nearly texted this to him, Don't bother. What's the point if it will only soothe your guilt and not my pain? Then, I missed him. I would love that, I sent. 

nov 27, 11:22, he wrote back.

As much as I missed his company conversationally, we hadn't had sex since September 4th and I had cleared out space to make exactly that happen. Clean room, no visitors. I did have other plans for when he arrived. Have brunch since I knew he would be hungry after the train ride, show him around my neighborhood, room tour that would lead into heavy weekend-long lovemaking. Or whatever we were calling it at that point.

That day I got a text around 9:30: missed train, catching next one. 

when is it?

hour, be there at 1

It didn't set the weekend off in a good mood. Leading to me being stuck in a pit of anger that I couldn't communicate through text messages. There would be no point in it. So, in those 2 hours I was supposed to be spending with him, I experienced an increased level of annoyance. The slightest touch pissed me off and by the time 1 rolled around the boiling inside me had only rolled louder.

I stood with my arms crossed when I opened the door, pursed lips, foot tapping, and an agenda to chew him out. The delighted look on his face, wearing a hoodie, backpack on one shoulder—it all pissed me off. 

Alex tried to quail, walking through the door, telling me, "Am I in trouble?"

I rolled my eyes and set off to my room, forcing Alex to catch up to me. "Whatever, Alex."

"Hey, I'm sorry. You know I'm late to everything."

I snapped, turned around with fury. "Yeah, but you're late to class not to a train and I'm pretty sure the trains from Sheffield come every hour, which means if you missed your train and got the next one you'd be here at noon, not 1, which means you missed 2 trains. Probably because you slept through your alarm clock and then packed your bag because you didn't do it the night before like I told you to do."

His eyes were wide and I felt like his mother the way I was calling him out. He looked staggered. A word away from taking a step back from me. "Alright, you're right, but I'm here now so let's have a good time. How's your ankle?"

His attempts to be kind ended up stepping into territory that just pissed me off more. "My ankle is fine because it healed 2 weeks ago before you even bothered to respond to the news. You just don't give a shit about these things, Alex, but they're important to me. Being on time, responding to me, it's not much to ask for."

"You're right but this past month has been crazy and I just saw you in October—"

"Just saw me in October! Look I'm not desperate, you don't need to spend every waking minute with me, in fact, I think I would kill you if I had to spend a whole week with you" (not true, I desperately wanted that) "but over a month! I expected some eagerness to see me but you'd rather lie around for an extra hour. No one told you to come, you offered. So if it was so much work, you could have just stayed home."

"I didn't want to stay home. I went to your stupid brother's wedding because I wanted to see you. Do you think I get pleasure from driving 3 hours to go to that fucking wedding where your dad breathed down my neck the whole time like I was some hoodlum and your mum hit on me more times than I can count? I went to see you. You're buggering me down because I missed a train, meanwhile, you have made no effort to come visit me. I had a lot of things I wanted you to come to but when you said no and went and hung out with your weirdo fucking friends I was fine with it because you're happy and you write me these beautiful fucking essays, even if I was upset that you weren't there."

"At least, I tell you what I'm up to. You're so evasive about everything. 'How was the gig?' 'Oh, uh, good.' It's like you don't want me to care about these things or you have some secret you're hiding. How about those groupies, huh?"

"Oh, shut up, Jane!" It was the first time he was harsh with me. Flippant and distressing. "You create problems where they aren't. Posh, much?"

"Fuck off with that. You talk all this shit about my family—"

"Because you do!"

"That doesn't mean you can. I want you to care and it doesn't seem like you could give less of a shit. You complain about everything I want to do with you."

"I do not complain. You force this shit out of me. I'd sit through another awful wedding if that meant I could hang out with you. Meanwhile, any inconvenience for you cancels out anything I'd want you to do."

"I sat through all those shitty gigs that no one showed up to for you."

"Back when you were pining after me. Who gives a shit once you've moved on?"

"I'm in university, unlike you. You can come down whenever you want because you work at some shitty bar and play 1 gig a week, if even. And for fuck's sake if you want me to go to the fucking gig. I'll go to the fucking gig."

"I want you to want to go to the gig. Don't make me do anything you don't want to do, Jane, I know how hard that is for you."

"I just want you to give a shit."

"What are you talking about? Of course, I give a shit. See this, this is what I'm talking about. The fabricating problems out of nothing. When have I ever shown that I don't give a shit?"

"When you missed the trains!"

"I'm still taking the fucking trains! You're the one sitting on your ass here."

"I'm getting a degree!"

"I know! Will you fuck off with that?"

"Why? Scared you're going to work at a bar for the rest of your life."

"Hey, at least I've worked a job, unlike you fucking around with your dad's money."

"Fuck you!" I left the building then. He might have called after me but I don't remember. I felt badly suffocated for the first time with Alex. I walked around for a while. Aimlessly. I don't know what he did during this time. Maybe he walked around too. Paced the apartment. Pulled his hair out. Played Snake on his Nokia. I don't know but I cared too much during that time. Desperate to know what he was getting away at. I fantasized about it my whole walk. Best case. Worst case. Okay case. Most of it was nightmares. The rest was delusions.

I came back around 5 and he was lying on his back on my bed. I thought he might have been asleep at first. He didn't make any movement when I walked in until I called out, "Hey."

He sat up like he had been zapped. His gaze was on me intensely and he took a while before he said anything, eventually, "Hey."

A thought rushed through my mind, the one that had echoed through my head on the walk, in class, when writing emails, on the car ride down to London. I had forced it away for so long but the hotbox situation we were in prompted me to finally let it out. "Do you think we should break up?"

His eyes fell to his shoes, dangling off the side of the bed. He avoided my eyeline at all costs. "Is that what you want?"

No, but I didn't feel I could tell him that. "I want to know what you want."

He played his people-pleaser card. I wouldn't label Alex as that but he had a fashion, mainly with women, of not letting his opinion know. "I don't want to make you be with me if you don't want to." 

To me, when it was to my advantage it was the greatest thing ever. Other times, it angered me beyond belief. "For god's sake, Alex, do you want to break up with me or not? Yes or no?"

"No," he said firmly. 

It had ended our breaking-up conversation but it didn't exactly fix our problem. "I don't want to ruin our friendship by dragging out something that isn't going to work."

Alex met my eyes. "It'll work." 

I sighed. "Shouldn't we be mature about this?"

"You're 18, you don't have to be mature about anything, Janie." And suddenly I felt like he was talking to 6-year-old me. By that point, he'd already memorized my childhood stories of foolish escapades. I forced myself to be an adult so young that I'd spent away my years of forgiven recklessness in return for the punishable kind. Not many people in my life realized that. The ones that did, didn't care, they preferred me tagging along to drunken nights. Alex preferred hiding away in my bedroom. And, sure, maybe a drink or two.

He'd cracked my heart open in so many ways that I don't think he ever understood what he was the first to do.

He reached a hand out to me urging me to join him on the bed. I sat beside him, not touching, I muttered, "I don't want to hurt you."

Then, he wrapped his arm around me, pulled me into him, kissed my temple, and said, "You worry too much about me."

Later that night when Alex and I were still out of breath, we curled into one another. For the first time, we made no move to get dressed. Just laid with one another. I dug my face into his collarbone and thought about suffocating myself.

"What are you doing?" He questioned, always questioning me. 

My stomach grew heavy and I felt like crying, comforted by the idea that he would hold me while I did. "I wish you were here all the time." It wasn't just him. Everything in my life, the past one spent in that Wakefield house felt like it was slipping away from me. He felt like the only thing I could hold onto. So, I held tightly. Sometimes too tightly but he accepted any fingernail-induced bleeding from me.

His arm tightened around my back. He kissed my ear. Softly, for just my left ear to hear, he whispered, "Me too."

I started crying then. It was quiet just the shaking of my shoulders and the breaths I attempted to get and take in. Alex made no effort to stop me, his hand rubbed up and down my back. He knew what I needed and he held me. We didn't talk for the rest of the night. His hands did the work, up & down. His lips kissed my temple. I'm not sure if I dreamt it or not, but somewhere before I fully fell asleep, he whispered, "I love you." Even if he didn't say it, I knew. He held me all night. I gripped him and rubbed my back. I sometimes wish I never left that spot, stayed in the corner of him like the embracing Pompeii couple. Buried in volcanic ash together being each other's last comfort. Alex's shoulder must have ached after that night. Everything just ached after.

*

a/n: i sorta got carried away there with that word count, i don't know what i was on because i'll probably never write a part this long again until the next part where i accidentally end up writing 50k. ah, well, hope you enjoy as much as i did writing it. jane & alex 4 eva.

[dietmountaindewbae]

FETUS DOM AL BTB ERA PLZPLZ PLZ PLZ LOVE UR WORK SM

xxiv. she's so high

alex turner x reader

word count: 10816

summary: Alex (btb!) has a complicated relationship with you.

warnings: dr*gs, alcoh*l, fighting, degrad*ng.

song requests: the lotts, stoned again, teenage riot, about a girl, get drunk, i don’t belong, gouge away, breaking the girl & liberty belle.

──────────୨୧───────────

Since the beginning of your friendship with your best friend Maggy, you knew that your older brother Matt had something to do with her, always teased her, annoyed her, just to get her to talk to him, and when she finally realized how much he liked her, they were quick to start dating. Matt was cool, he filled in the shoes of the older brother and best friend role perfectly, your number one confidant, and your partner in crime, it was weird when they didn't see the three of you together, you thought it was best to let things be cool in between all of you. Besides, you knew Matt, and you knew your friend, and you saw this love blooming so beautifully.

Matt was very popular, and that's the only reason you were popular in the first place, Helder's little sister, ever since he and his mates played at The Grapes everyone was trying to be friends with you to get with any of the boys in the band, boys all over you since you took a change in style, even though you often saw them rehearse in the garage, you knew them all since little kids. Jamie, Andy, and Alex were Matt's childhood best friends, you liked them all, except for one.

"I can't believe Alex threw Matt's stick at me," Maggy laughs at you as you show her the bruise on your thigh, and the redness in your cheeks when you get mad.

"Sounds like someone fancies you" You rolled your eyes and scoffed, Maggy invited you to her house for a very-needed sleepover, just you and her so that you could work on some cool designs for the monkey's flyers, they had a significant gig coming soon, in a couple of days they were off to play at a club and if things went well they were only up from there. Maggy gave her opinions and talked to you while you kept writing by hand the font for their name.

"Piss off" Alex was a dickhead with you, he always did everything to get you mad ever since you became quiet around him, laughed at you when you called him a prick, or when your cheeks turned bright red, and your eyebrows were pushed together. Since you were kids he hasn't stopped bugging you and calling you Mardy Bum, you didn't despise him, you just hated how much he teased you, so much that you teased him in different ways. You knew he fancied you, but you never really did anything to give him hope.

"You know how boys are, look at me and Matt" You cross your arms, laying on the floor next to her, "Don't be so cold, one day you'll fall in lo-"

You scoffed and rolled your eyes, "Love, love, love... what is it good for?" Maggy nudged your shoulder, "Absolutely nothin'" Then you heard her phone buzzing from under the pillow, you bet it was Matt. She stood up from the ground and you kept gluing more pictures into the flyers so you could print them out for their gig.

"Wait..." You turn your head, and Maggy sits down to write back to Matt with a smile on her face, "Change of plans, get ready now, Matt's gonna pick us up... they're playing today, are the flyers ready?"

"Almost but... what do you mean they're playin' today, wasn't it tomorrow?" Maggie quickly changed into her clothes and started to do her makeup as fast as she could, putting some sparkly golden eye shadow in her eyes.

"I'm serious, finish that, and I'll pick your clothes, I'll do your makeup on the floor" You cut up more pictures of them as fast as you can, and stick some stickers into the paper as Maggy does your makeup at the speed of light, she sets up an outfit for you but you didn't get enough time to change, by the time the flyers were done Matt had already arrived with the guys in Andy's mum's van. Alex and Matt stepped out and jumped the brick wall into Maggy's garden, she waved hi at them and threw some clothes at Matt's face, "Come here, fast!" You couldn't believe you were crawling out the window with your pajamas and black boots on while Maggy was all glammed and ready for the night, the things you do for them.

She carefully crawled out and sat on the edge of her roof, Matt secured her legs and she jumped out of the roof with his help, they peck their lips lingeringly and you roll your eyes as you see who came to help you jump, you must be taking a piss.

Alex was waiting for you with his arms crossed, wearing a long-sleeved cherry red shirt and his vintage Levi's denim jacket and jeans to pair with his black Adidas, he was standing crossed arm bitting on his bottom lip, looking giddy and worried, looking around the place to make sure no one was watching us, you laughed at how much of a goodie he was, he wouldn't even dare to pull a quest like this ever, "Why are you standing like that? Are you some crook?" He smacks his lips and rolls his eyes as you throw him your heavy leather jacket, "Bet you're shitting yourself"

He scoffed and laughed nervously saying no with his head, but you knew his little heart was pumping fast and his tummy was twisting round and round, "Just get the fuck down Juliet" You kick his arm earning a quiet grunt from him, and his arm wraps around your thighs and you hold on to his shoulders as he helps you to get down from the roof, and when you land on the ground his hand lightly squeezes your ass.

"You're no Romeo" You hit him in the arm, and he kneels intertwining his fingers to catapult you to the other side of the wall, "I swear if you grab my arse again I will castrate you" He doesn't sound too threatened by you, even though you're squinting your eyes, and your eyebrows are in frown he ignores you.

"Are you gunna jump or what?" You grab some impulse and Alex jumps high enough to grip the edge of the wall, "Help me" He struggles, "Help me Mardy!" He demands with annoyance.

"Say you're sorry first" He rolls his eyes, you didn't care if he was hanging from the edge of a cliff, he had to apologize, even if you didn't care, you just wanted to hear that word coming out of his cocky mouth.

"Right, right... I'm sorreh Mardy..." His jaw clenched, and he didn't mean it at all but you were more than satisfied, you grabbed his hand tightly pulled him in and he sat next to you recovering his breath, "Does that get you off or what?" You both jump down and run to the van, Maggy sitting on Matt's lap while Jamie is in the front seat next to Andy who was the designated driver and will surely be the death of you all, all their guitar cases were pilled up in the back and an amp was stuffed in the middle of the seats.

"Where is she supposed to sit?"Jamie said, Matt and Maggy look at each other, and back at you, and then Alex holds his hand out for you and you sigh, he pulls you in and you sit on his knee.

"I swear if I feel one hand..." He nods his head with a grin.

"I know" He smiles at you, biting his bottom lip, you and Maggy look at each other, you try not to be bothered by that, but it feels a little strange, you had seen him do that a few times, but his eyes, gazing at your intensely, it makes you feel some way, it feels wrong but it excites you.

Maggy handed you over the clothes you would change into, "Look away" You say to him, he looks through the window, and you take your top off quickly, kicking your shoes off so you can strip down your pajamas and slide on your tights, and then your skirt, taking a small pause to fix your makeup, but suddenly Andy steps on the gas, going so fast the speed pushes your back against Alex's chest, "Shit!" Everyone was laughing as Andy played around with the car, changing lanes going in zic zac feeling the adrenaline spike in your veins, you grabbed Alex's hand tightly without even noticing, he took advantage of the moment, he put his hand on your waist to hold you tightly, he admired you, your laughter, your pouty lips and deep eyes, your soft skin and the belly button ring he had seen a couple of times whenever you wore a crop top around the guys during rehearsals. He twists your skin in between his fingers, pinching it just to get you to see him, "Wanker" You tease him, both smiling at each other. And just for a split second, he thought maybe you could like him, but your smile faded away as blue and red lights flashed before your eyes, the only reason Andy stopped was when he heard the police sirens catching up to you all.

"Fuckin' hell!"

"We're never gunna get there"

"Pull over!"

"Don't pull over, drive!"

"Andy!"

"Shut the fuck up, I'm pullin' over!" Andy screamed and everyone was panicking, spitting the most grotesque curses under their breaths. Maggy was quick to get on her knees and hide in the little space in between the seat in front of her and Matt, she used it as a shelter.

"Hide love," Alex says, you follow the same steps as Maggy, Alex takes off his denim jacket and covers you, if the coppers were to see two underaged girls, both half-dressed in the back of the car with two boys, on their knees, everyone would get arrested for pulling a scene like this, Andy's license would be taken away, their dreams and their freedom would be stripped out from all of them the moment they got home after being bailed out, and that's even if their mothers did. Alex managed to hide you, not well, but you wrapped yourself up in a little ball and hid yourself from the coppers.

Two knocks at the window from the grey-haired officers with truncheons dressed in hats make Andy gulp, one officer on each side of the window, 6 teenagers shivering and shitting themselves, "Oh hello officer, good evenin'" Fuck off Andy.

"Where do you think you're going? Speedin' like that in the middle of the road at 12:30 on a Saturday night? What's got you lots in such a hurry?" Andy stuttered, Jamie pinched the bridge of his nose as the other officer looked at him with annoyance, "Have you been drinkin' son? You don't look old enough to me"

"I'm sorry, officer, is there a certain age you're supposed to be? 'Cause nobody told me" Jamie punched him in the leg by trying to outsmart them, and the officer flashed his lights at Jamie, he wasn't feeling well, he looked as if he was about to puke his liver out, and his heart pumping blood to his system so fast he was starting to sweat.

"Your friend looks sweaty," Andy looked at him, and Jamie looked back at the officer, "Right, that's enough... " Said the office on the right, Andy looked back at Jamie, then to Alex and Matt through the rearview, all of them thinking the same, it was time, the officer on the left took a step back, flashed his light at Alex's eyes, and if he took a deeper look in, he would see where your body was hiding, curled up into a tiny little ball, you were shaking beneath his feet, the thrill in the fear both mix in. Alex could feel you, he felt his heart pumping like gas, the moment one of the officers began to examine Matt and Alex, Alex mouths the word, "Drive!" To andy.

Andy, not looking back, not doubting twice, steps on the gas of his mum's van leaving the coppers behind, and uprolls the riot van it sparks excitement in the boys, and the policemen look annoyed.

Everyone's fists up in the air, punching the ceiling, chanting, "Andy! Andy! Andy!" We ran away just for the laugh, Alex settled you on his lap once more, holding you close, tightly, securing you, and you fell into his chest, your ear against his heart, hearing it pump faster, even faster since he could feel your warm skin filled with goosebumps, you were still wearing nothing but your skirt and your bra, his hand pressed flat on your back, his deep brown eyes, looking at you with desire, what is happening? You think to yourself. Something was certainly going to happen tonight, and not getting arrested by miracle was one of them.

"Havin' a good time? " His gaze petrified you, his eyes looking at you in a way no one had ever done before, and you shivered. His eyes ran down your body, thinking about how hot you looked wearing his jacket, your black brazier, and that belly button ring, but he mostly loved your cute little braids on your black shiny hair, reminded him of the times when you were younger, and you shone like the sun, you weren't so dark, so mysterious, what other secrets do you keep from your mum? You're off the rails, and you love facing the obscure, and the thrill of it, and his eyes sparked that excitement in you, you hated to submit to that fact.

"Perv" You grin and quickly look for your shirt, you toss him back his jacket and get dressed for once, and when you finally sit up straight, you see the knuckles of his fingers clinging to the holes of your tights like claws, you don't say anything, it was a silent touch in between you too, you settled on his knee again, legs open, just to try and see what happens.

"Who's the crook in this crime now?" You rolled your eyes at his awful joke, his fingertips now lightly caressed your skin, just gently, almost undetectable, but you felt it. Andy went through some bumps, and they made you bounce on Alex's knee, you could feel his eyes all over you, and he leaned into your ear, "Don't you like that?" Your touch electrifies the little hairs on his arms, he puts his hand on your black leather bracelet and hoops, and you snatch your wrist away from him, and look at him from the side.

"Like, what?" You spit back, your eyes locked in a stare, he's too afraid to say anything else, he is annoyed, he doesn't understand what is he doing so wrong when all he wants is your attention.

"It's not easy to talk to you Mardy, you're unpredictable, inscrutable, you're cold, but when you're nice-" You crossed your arms, while Alex tried to find an answer from you, and all he got was nothing, he can't wrap his head around you, he can't figure you out.

"Don't start" He knew you were troubled, looking for fun in all the wrong places but in the eyes of your parents you were a calm girl, who knew how to behave when in secret you sneaked boys on and off your bedroom window and stuck some snow down your nose so you could smile, you didn't talk to him anymore, that's why he teased you, just to get any reaction from you like the old times, and in the rare occasion he made you smile at him even just for a second, or when your eyes run into each other by accident, spiders crawl all over his skin.

All you did was leave his poor brain like spinning plates.

When the time arrived after an hour's drive, you were in the back of the strange club, the night was cold and you were shivering, you thought you might reach for Maggy's hand, but she was too busy with Matt, and you felt it, you were alone. You form in a line at the back, where all the bands form together.

These two bouncers stopped you all at the entrance, one was alright, but the other one was scary, he had no time for you looking or breathing, just wanting to tell all of you to kick off, the lots in the back all wearing black while all of you were dressed in distressed jeans, polo's and hoodies, you and Maggy looked younger and weaker compared to the rest, the bouncer, the scary one, eyed you both up and down, "We're Arctic Monkeys, we're the opening band for tonight" Alex shows his wrist band and gives out the flyer you made for the gig, all of the boys wearing one except you and Maggy

The scary bouncer looks at his mate, "And the girls?"

"They're coming with us" Everyone in line was telling you all to piss off, to go back home, but you could see it clearly in Matt's sparkly eyes, he was cracking up, this was a chance they couldn't lose.

"ID," The man said, fuckin' hell, seems like there's no other choice you thought to yourself. That was the thing about you, you could kiss all the boys, but you were too clever to be a slag, and when you wanted something badly, like now, you could play the role of being a cunt if you had to to get what you wanted,"If they haven't got one, they can't come in, no minors"

"But I bet that's no problem for you is it, big man?" You take a step forward, looking at him dead in the eye, your cat eyes ready to attack, sometimes you had to grab the bull from its balls for him to understand what where you trying to say, you take a step close to him, Maggy knew exactly what you were doing, she discreetly whispers to Matt to turn around, and you flash them both your tits, easily as that.

"I've seen better," He says with no care, and he with no option but to suffer from his smart choice of words.

"I thought you would know better" You grab his balls tightly taking him by surprise, "We all have a prize, what's the prize for your head?" You dig your nails in between his legs, squeezing him tightly, and you bite your lower lip, his mate watching you carefully, he is amazed, "10... 20..." He twists in pain, weeping and his mouth shaking, "You're the only one that keeps crying like a little shit, is that what you are? Mummy's little boy" You mock his little weeping, "You sound pathetic"

"10 pounds, you and your mate," He says between greeted teeth, he knew better than to not lay a hand on you, and the other guy as well, but you were impressed by how quiet he was, the scary man looks at his mate and he stays still, he eyed you up and down, shamelessly looking at your tits with a grin, "Mind helpin' me out here?"

"Nah, I'm good" You flirt with him with your smile and your eyes, and he winks his eye. Alex barely recognizes you at this point, any knowledge of you had been stripped from the idea he had in his head. The girl he likes, she was still somewhere, Mardy was still there buried inside you, hidden beneath all of that eyeliner and silver sparkles, trapped in your coldness, now it was his turn to make a true effort to know you since he truly cares for you.

"Just get the fuck in" You let him go and smile at him, his mate opens the door for you, and your smile fades living him confused, and that's how you bite the men, insert your poison and leave them twisting in pain, which meant he and Alex have something in common.

"Watch your girl," He says to Al, they both look back at you and before you go into the party you answer back to them.

"I don't belong to anyone" You disappear into the darkness, Alex kept wondering how you and Matt were related, he would never do something like that, act like this, you enjoyed staying in the cold, while Matt stayed balanced, warm, friendly, but you... he had not a single clue.

You and Maggy follow them to the back, she was holding your brother's sweaty hand with care, Matt knew better than to keep yours and his things in between you two, you weren't one to pull these scenes, he and Maggy knew that you only stepped in when needed, and you needed to get in, because a part of you, not only cared deeply about your brother's dreams, a part of you cared deeply about the boy in that denim jacket with a hoodie and his dreams, the one carrying the heavy amp and his bass with his arms, and the one with red cheeks almost as red as his guitar. They had worked hard, and Alex had passed late nights trying to squeeze more songs off of his brain, tonight could change things, but this night felt different.

You helped to set them up on the stage, many boys whistling and savoring you with their eyes, and as you were stepping down, Alex was waiting for you by the staircase next to the stage, and to your surprise, he was already knackered, pulling on his messy brown hair, "What?" You say close to his ear, he squeezes your shoulders together.

"All I wanted to say was that... I care about you Mardy, I don't know what happened to you... but I wanna kno' where's my Mardy? The one that laughed and joked around? The one that always teased me and played with me in the swings, the one that hugged me sporadically... what do I need to do to get you-" The microphone's intermission cuts Alex's questions, his face in a frown, his eyes filled with so many emotions and booze.

"Right on! Up next say hello to my little friends... Arctic Monkeys!" Everyone chants the boy's names, clapping and waiting for them with excitement. He wants to reach for your hands, but Jamie comes running up the stairs.

"You're up... you are all gonna do great" Matt and Andy pull him to the stage, he was made a total mess, his eyes red shot and his mouth dry, he takes a step in front of the mic, strapping his strat across his body, Andy was buzzing with excitement, Jamie finished tunning his fiesta red telecaster, Matt blew a kiss to Maggy, and she grabs it with her fist and presses it against her chest.

Maggy quickly ran with you to be in the sea of people, pushing each one of them away with your elbow or with your shoulders, holding onto your hand like a safe lock with a chain, and got to the front safely, right beneath Alex's feet, you look at him through your lashes and wink at him, "Rock on!" Maggy and yourself secure arms, and the moment Matt begins the count down electricity rushes into your veins.

The crowd was a riot, they played songs back to back, you and Maggy jumping and screaming the songs at the top of your lungs, Andy rocked that bass with his groovy lines that accentuated each of the riffs Alex and Jamie played back on back, Matt was dripping in sweet his face all flushed just like yours did, genetics. Your body was getting tired, your feet were bruised from the number of people that stepped on them, then your hair was pulled by accident by the tall boy next to you with a spiky leather bracelet on his wrist, "Are you alright?" He yells into your ear, Alex quickly notices it, and his eyes focus on you and the block you are talking to, he notices how close his lips are to your cheek, and he sees you nodding your head and laughing so hard at what he was slurring into your ear, he felt some relieve he had pulled away from you but then he kneeled to the ground and you threw your leg over his head, picking you up from his shoulders, you were pure euphoria all over the place, you threw your jacket to the stage, making it land on Alex on purpose, he smiles at you as the block squeezes your thighs. He can't find the answers to all of the questions in his head, you were many things, but one of them was unpredictable, too clever.

He watches you light a smoke, his eyes light up as your lips curl into a smile, you are aware of his gaze on you, those same eyes on his face looking at you with burning desire, he feels the heat, and now it is the time, he stripped off his cares, and with the liquid courage in his veins he had the nerve to sing the next song.

"Alreyt! How you doin' tonight?!" Everyone chants and whistles at Alex's rowdy and drunken voice, the crowd surfers up in the air, with no shirts and no care, "I said how you fuckin' doin' tonight?!" You whistle back at him with your fingers in your mouth, and he watches you with a smile going down memory lane as he hears your childish laughter, "We're Arctic Monkeys, and this next song is about a girl, you know who you are..." He slurs looking at you with his watery doe eyes, "This one is called...!" Jamie bends his strings, and Alex's strings ring through the amps loaded with fuzz, your ears ringing with the sharp intermission, provoking a fire in their spirits, "Space Invaders!" His fingers hit the top strings of his white strat, hitting those power chords hard, and he doesn't take his eyes away from you, not even to blink when he starts singing.

Space invaders flying home Yeah, they're going to hit the sack And they are prob'ly going to die getting high Cause they're mixing crazy ... with the crack

You eye him, and you invite him in with your eyes, igniting a fire that spreads all over his body, he looks at you with his casanova eyes, smirking, sounding more confident than ever, that version of him suits him very handsomely, you were thrilled to see what else had he had to say in between those catchy riffs and clever lyrics.

And she's kissing all the boys She's to clever to be slack But she's bound to go away for a day In July, so she won't be coming back

This song with no doubt was about you, kissing all the boys? You're all he could ever think about, so you give him exactly what he wants, a reaction, you take your index and slide it inside your mouth, sucking it and pulling out your middle finger with a grin on your lips, he strums his strings faster to sing the chorus.

Baby, baby, baby The good old days to tax Baby, baby, baby Won't you dry your pretty eyes Baby, baby, baby Your good old days to tax Come on!

Your heart flutters, and a strange feeling of something inside you feeling full makes your gut twitch, he moans into the microphone, and you feel a dull ache in between your legs as he rolls his eyes back, knowing well you had provoked him, you didn't know what you did to earn that song, but Alex could write a million songs and still not be finished. Maggy looks at you and your arms up in the air, swaying them and smiling, you truly feel happy, but you know that happiness doesn't last forever, but you'll miss it and it sickened you to know so. You tell the big guy to put you down as the show is ending and the monkeys are finishing up the song, to wrap it up.

The boy tries to follow you but you escape him, "That's all for the night folks, you were a lovely crowd, remember we're Arctic Monkeys, goodnight!" You push the people away, looking for an escape from all you are about to feel soon.

Alex comes down from the stage, Maggy is the only one waiting for them on the staircase, "Where's- where is she?" Alex asks Maggy, she shrugs and looks at Matt.

"She walked away as the show ended, I thought she was going here but... I lost her, she'll be back soon, maybe she went out with that block" Alex was losing his mind, he was self-aware about the song he had made for you, told everyone it was about another girl, but what other fucking girl? there was no other girl, you were the only one that he was fixated on.

"Matt, I need to talk to you" He was so scared of blowing things off, by confessing his massive crush on his best mate's little sister, but you were all that he wanted since you were all little kids, he was rambling about so many things, and he was trying to explain himself but going nowhere apologizing at the end of every sentence he made but Matt stopped him.

"Alex, you can tell me anything, you know that," Matt says understandingly, he knew what he was about to say.

"But I'm afraid you'll hate me forever" He scratches his arm, and Matt takes a step forward and stops him from bruising his arm, Alex didn't want to hurt his best mate, but Matt knew since the beginning.

"I'm afraid you'll get heartbroken, she can be a handful Al, you know that" Alex sighs, and Matt hugs him tight, "But I also know you can help her heal, I just don't want you to get hurt in the process" Alex smiled at Matt.

"We all have to try our best for the ones we love" Matt punches him in his shoulder pushing him away, they both laugh and hug once more, "So, is it ok If I... ?" Matt nods his head, patting his back.

"But if you dare to do summat to her..." Matt and Alex laugh at each other, and he pats Alex's back with care knowing well that you were the one that would probably do things to Alex. Matt is happy, Alex is descent, and he knows he'll help you by loving you, "Go get her, I have a feeling she might be outside" And like that Alex rushes outside, running through the crowded room and going through the back door, you were outside with the bouncer, the nice one, and looking as if you were flirting with him, he was quick to shut that down.

"Mardy" He sees your face light up, and you smile at him but it wasn't because you wanted to, it was because you were already pissed up, the bouncer scratches the back of his head.

"Hey, rockstar" You giggle drunkenly, if you weren't standing next to him he would've already kicked that man's face, "Looking for me?" You teased.

"Thought she didn't belong to anyone" The man crosses his arms as he sees you looking at Alex with a smile, you wanted to eat him up, "She's a cunt" Alex takes a step forward but you stop him.

"The fuck did you say?" He spits.

"Don't" You knew he stood no chance against the 6 ft bouncer, so maybe you were right, Alex didn't stand a chance but he wasn't one to handle disrespect nicely. He and you walked back inside together dancing in the lights, letting them flash beneath your eyes, letting the tempo mark your dancing in the blue neon lights, the white neon lights flash on your face, and you turn to look at Alex, he was in a trance as your heavenly eyes look at him, you pull him in, and you make him dance with you.

"How much did you have?" He asks and you push your shoulders together with no care grabbing his hands to dance with him to the music, his eyes looking at your lips and your body with desire, he was all in for you, he was made a fool for you.

"I like the song you made me for me Al" You take a step closer to him, and his breathing gets stuck as he hears his heartbeat in his ears, he can smell your lovely perfume, and he can see your diamond eyes, your pink glossy lips so close to him, just for you to kiss his cheek, "I liked it" He closed his eyes, feeling your lips linger and burn on his cheek like a cigarette burning on his skin, and just like that, you disappear into thin air, he had lost you in that crazy amount of people. 

"For fucks sake..." He sighed as he downs more cups of the cheapest booze trying to locate you with his eyes, he was losing his mind, his heart beating in his ears, the booze making his body feel light and dizzy but his head made a mess. He was feeling paranoid and worried sick of losing you, but his ears rang at the sound of your voice like a loyal dog.

"I said goddamn!" You scream at the top of your lungs, he sees you snorting some thin lines of coke by some settees with a mirror and a tiny spoon, laughing so loudly it made your stomach hurt, he knew exactly the 10 minutes you were lost were right about enough for you to do anything you wanted, you had no one to stop you. Alex sits next to you impulsively.

"Hey," Says the girl with messy blonde hair sitting next to him, her eyes red with a woozy smile, "You were really good up there" He feels your eyes lingering on him, he feels he has all of your attention by now, as you probably give her the deadliest glare.

"Do you wanna suck his cock too?" You spit, taking her by surprise, so amazed by your rudeness she chose to leave the table and go somewhere else, Alex looks at you with a scowl, and you ignore him, taking another sip of your drink free of guilt.

"Why can you be talking to other people but I can't?" You shrug it off, sitting back in the worn-out leather settee, crossed leg, he waits for you to speak looking at you intensely, you thought you could handle this contest with ease, but it was only a matter of time until he got to you.

"You can do what you wanna do, be with who you want to be," You say to him, manipulating him, "I don't own you, Alex"

"So, why do you 'fink I chose to stay with you, Mardy?" He drawls, sitting closer to you, his knee touching yours, "Don't push me away, I meant what I said" He referred to the song he had sung for you with love and passion, and your heart skips a beat, and this feeling feels strange, his determination and the firmness of his words made your head spin, it draws you closer to him.

"... don't think you've got me all figured out" But he knew right where to start as the girl holding the coke came in, snorting another line and shaking her hair off her face, smiling and dancing, it gave her power.

"Want another line?" She asks you, you glance at Alex and smirk as you snort another line, you overestimated him and his intentions, his eyes lock with yours, he wasn't one to do these things, he may have had a few funny cigarettes but not as often. He was determined to feel the same way as you do.

"You wouldn't" You dare him, and that only makes him want to try it more. He sits at the edge of the leather settee, grabbing the card that's on the table, cutting the coke until it's thin enough to be consumed, he shapes a thin line of coke with the sharp edges of the red credit card and from his wallet, he grabs a bill and rolls it up with his index and thumb carefully. With the edge of the bill on his nostril and the other on the platter, he shuts his eyes tightly as he inhales the coke fast hoping it would make it more bearable because all he knew was that it stung like hell but inhaling it fast didn't change anything for him, his eyes flash before him, his brain quickly reacting with the thin line of coke, and he feels the burning sensation on his nostrils, sneezing as a reflex to try to expel the coke that was still stuck on the walls of his nose.

"Fuck!" His nose burns and stings, some coke falling on your upper thigh, you break into laughter, he was trying hard to impress you, that's what you thought, the girl laughs at him and your head feels dizzy, you feel an ache for him that's burning as he frowns.

"If you're gonna do it, at least do it right," He slams your hand away as you try to comfort him, he throws his straw away and sits closer to you, he leans down, and holds your knee tightly, his fingernails digging holes in your thighs, your hairs feel the same electricity that he felt in the car when you sat on him, shamelessly sitting open legged on his knee, his eyes penetrate yours as he snorts the remaining coke off your thigh, you feel something inside you turn on as you feel his nose on your inner thigh, his lips lightly grazing your knickers.

"I said goddamn" You lock in a stare, you wanted him, and you wanted him bad, your hand sneaks to the back of his head and he drags your mouth to his, his thumb lightly caressing your cheek as you both get carried away with the intensity of the kiss mixing with the drugs and the booze his touches feel like electric shocks, the fire runs all over your body as his hand caresses your thigh, his fingers digging on the edge of your denim skirt, his mouth tastes like sweet vodka and pop, his tongue inside your mouth tasting the flavors of your cherry cigarettes and Bacardi, sweet and sour, like lemon and honey, you roll your eyes as you feel him sigh inside your mouth, his hand making a fist with your skirt, he wanted more but he was still afraid to do more, he wanted to do it all in private, so he tested himself with you.

As he was pulling away from the kiss, you bit his lower lip pulling it harshly like a blister, and his cheeks were burning hot, his head was dizzy but he took your hand, he felt high, and his body was on the dancefloor with yours but his mind was focused on the neon lights on your face painting you all the colors, violet, blue and green as he sees your head spin in circles. His hands creep into your hips, and he slowly pulls you in, watching you dance with no care, no shame, you knew you made him mad with the way your silver eyeshadow made your eyes look like bright stars in the night sky. You both dance to Dr. Dre in a trance, slow, close, and sexy, he turns your back against his chest with a spin, he is getting greedy, and you feel it as your brains get stimulated with the white powder. Your hips go around in circles against his crotch as the music makes your body move in a way that gets him so uncomfortably hard, but he didn't feel it until you sighed against his ear, his hands grip your hips harder, lightly humping your ass against him, you giggle as you both sing.

You see it clearly in his eyes, he wants more, "Don't you wanna go somewhere else... tha knows, alone?" He suggests into your ear, you take a deep breath as you smell his sweet cologne, you wanted to be smothered in that scent, but it wasn't going to be easy for him.

"And do what?" He's dumbfounded, he doesn't know how to phrase how badly he wanted to fuck you now, "You think is that easy? That I'm just gonna fall to me knees over the rockstar?" Your lips were next to his ear, and his nose could smell the coconut shampoo on your silky hair, "No way babe" He sighed and closed his eyes just for a second, and then you disappeared in thin air, walking out the door. He tried to go after you, but he got surrounded by the band and some other man wearing dressing shirts and jeans with Stella's in their hands, he makes up dumb excuses to free himself from whatever they were trying to talk about.

As he goes out through the exit door, he finds you yet again with the same bouncer, this time with one of his hands on your cheek and the other on your hip, and he doesn't even reason out his next action, Alex had punched the bouncer in the jaw as hard as he could, he only manages to make his head turn, and as the man was about to return the punch with twice if the speed and twice of the strength you're able to push him away and knock him to the floor grabbing Alex's hand running down the streets like a cheetah, the cold wind blowing your hair and making your nose dry, you have so much energy you could do anything, move mountains, climb the tallest building. You are pure fuel, you turn to your left as you hear his laughter, he catches up to you, grabbing your hand tightly as you run down the street, looking for nothing but the feeling of your heart about to bust, for the pain of your lower abdomen. 

Thankfully Alex had Andy's car keys, using the van as the perfect place to hide from the angry bounce with a purple jaw searching for you both, "He even has muscles in his muscles" You joke as you both peek through the windows, finally, you're able to breathe when he starts heading his way back where he came from. You both sigh relieved and crash on the leather car seats, you turn to look at Al and ask, "How do you feel Al?" 'Al' he smiles, it's been a long time since you called him like that.

"Still high" He sniffs his nose and looks at you, you're smiling, biting your bottom lip, the light of lamppost reflecting on your eyes through a crack in the windows, your eyes deep blue looking at him with hunger, "What about you?" He drawls.

"I left me head at the dance floor" You giggle, sitting closer to him, the knuckles of his hand touching yours, lips getting drawn to each other, his eyes staring intensely at yours.

"I wanted to keep dancin' with you... you've got some pretty nice moves" Your eyebrows jump as you give him a look that hypnotized him, he was taken by surprise as you threw your leg over his thighs, straddling him and rocking your hips against his just like the way you were dancing before, you teased him, still vigorously grinding your hips against him, singing bits of the song to his ear as you bite his earlobe, feeling his dick fighting his way on his jeans, "Like that?" You tease watching him watching you in awe.

"Uhu..." His heart was about to beat out from his chest, "Fuckin' hell Mardy, you're so hot" His so pissed about it, he's lost his mind, such a fool for you it makes him pull his hair.

"Just shut up and kiss me" The palm of your hand drives his head towards you, and you both kiss slowly, eagerly, lingeringly as your lips close around each other's mouth, feeling your body slowly grind against him, getting closer to the place where he ached for you. The roughness of his denim made juicy friction in your pussy, you kept losing control over yourself, dry humping Alex's crotch, his hands dragging your hips against him following your pace to show you how much he liked feeling you rubbing yourself against him. You were flushed, feeling hotter, his hands made into fists, clenching your skirt, slowly riding up to your waist, he was doubtful but as he watched you get so deep in it his hands grip your ass hard, and you whimpered into his ear, all the sounds coming out of your mouth made him get so hard in his jeans that his head was already leaking.

"I want you so badly" He groans into your ear, licking his lips and holding your head in place to whisper more into your ear, "You feel amazin' babe, make yerself feel good" You smile against his hair, taking a sniff of his soft brown hair, you nuzzled your nose into his neck, leaving kisses all over him. He began to feel self-conscious about the fact he was barely even moving, he wasn't moving a single finger now when at the party he was begging for your attention, he chose to not be like those other blocks, they didn't know what was before their eyes, they didn't know you, they didn't know how much beauty there is inside of you, your black beauty.

His hand on your ass crawls to your lower back, caressing your skin with his thumb, his hands crawling up your back like spiders and snakes, and he leaves his hand on the clasp of your bra, your eyes illuminating, "Can I?" He whispers, his voice shaky and his eyes sparkling, hopelessly looking for an answer in your eyes.

"If you want to... yeah, you don't have to ask me Al" You peck Alex's lips, sweetly, the heat wasn't the only thing that drove you to be all over him.

"How far do you wanna take this, Mardy?" His voice sounds serious, both panting for air but if he were to pass out, he would love to pass out feeling your heavenly lips. Alex saw you for once stay quiet, with no answers, no smart comeback, your eyes shine, and your heart feels that vague feeling of warmth, and tenderness. For once, you doubted having sex with a hot fellow outside of a pub, you didn't feel anything, not for long, you feared Alex would change that, you were able to fight the feeling though, you convinced yourself he wouldn't.

"Take my clothes off" You command, Alex following like a puppy with his swollen lips in a pout and his bright eyes, his fingers running down your warm skin with care, pulling off your shirt from your head, you stand on your knees, his lips sigh against your skin, his hands caressing your lower back gently, running shivers all over your body as he kisses your belly slowly, wet, and needy, his tongue running through your belly butting ring, his hands quickly sliding down your skirt and throwing it to the ground, leaving you in your tights and brazier. Your eyes meet, his eyes shining so brightly at the look of yours, he saw you as a miracle for all men, as an angel as you exposed your body to him, and you couldn't handle that, "Don't look at me like that, I know you wanna fuck me" He's a man, he only loves these things because he loves to see them break, he would forget about you the next day and nothing could stop you from thinking this way, even if it hurt you.

He was in a daze as if you had kicked him hard in the head, your body on his, warm and sugary, addictive, "And so fuckin' bad" His mouth devours your lips, his tongue slipping to the back of your throat, you gag but he keeps his tongue inside your mouth, his hands grip your bottom tightly, continuing with the same pace as before. He takes out his shirt in the blink of an eye, barely giving you time to grab air as you asphyxiate in his kisses pressing you closer to him as he grinds your hips harder against the bulge in his denim jeans hearing you moaning louder into his mouth. The tiny kisses he gave you in your belly still lingering in your head, the song and his facial expressions as he moaned into the microphone engraved in your head, his touch so rough but with care, his eyes watching you like a goddess, you look through the window, and watch yourself climax with just a little bit of friction. He feels rewarded, he feels your body relaxing, and you're satisfied but it isn't enough.

Your hands run through his bristly skin, his chest dripping sweat, his abs marked with thin lines, and his v-line drives you to kneel, and unclamp the buttons of his jeans, "You got me off, now's your turn, is that ok?" You teased, making Alex roll his eyes with a smile, you caress his cock with your fingers, just to let it get harder than he was, he looks at you with lust, as you cheekily smile at the sight and feel of the size of his cock, "Fuck" He came in a full-size package.

"Come here" And baffled you were, how was he able to carry that in his jeans? His tip leaking cum already, red almost turning purple, swollen and hot, fat. You couldn't wait any longer for him, you obliged and settled on his lap. His hands caressed your body with care, he could give you true affection, "I like you Mardy... I really fuckin' do, I can't get you out of me head, out of my veins or me brain... every time I see you-"

"Don't say anything else, Alex, please" It was the first time you begged for anything in your life, because if what he was saying was true, his words made your heart beat fast, and it felt as if you were about to die.

"Don't do that Mardy, don't do this to me either... I'm in for the long run, don't matter how long I have to wait" In his eyes, you saw the raw definition of honesty, he wasn't looking anywhere else, wasn't hesitating, he was being truthful.

"Don't make promises that you can't keep Alex, nothing lasts forever" Your words don't affect him anymore, his mind was hazy with love and true desire for more than just sex, for more than just your body, he wanted your heart, a connection he couldn't get from anyone else but you.

"I never do," He says, "So just kiss me, and forget about anything else" His lips peck yours hard, needy, angsty, and his hands grip your body tightly, pulling your tights off your body, breaking them in the process and he feels your nude skin with his rough hands. He feels struck by lightning as he pushes your panties to the side and enters you slowly, your nails dig into his skin, and you gasp into his mouth feeling your whole body get loose, and your mind in a daze, just enjoying the feeling of his body so close to yours.

Your hips rock against his, your whole body pressed against him, his hands kneading your tits, pinching them and kissing them as you ride his cock, his hands pull your body closer to him, not for one second does he want you to be far from him, you couldn't hold in your moaning, his sighs and moans put you in a spell, his magical eyes sparkled into yours as he watched his whole dick disappear in between your legs.

"Ah! Shit" His hands were on your hips, they rock your body against him, Alex's mouth fell agape as you kept riding his cock eagerly, his hands gripping your ass tightly.

"Do you like that, baby? Do I make you feel good?" His eyes roll back, gulping and moaning against your lips, "Tell me Alex" Your hands around his neck, as you ride him slowly, tentatively.

"You do Mardy... you're so wet... t-tight" Your tongue inside his mouth as you kiss him, his cheeks warm and his breathing stuck in his throat.

"I bet you feel accomplished...." He blushes harder, being caught red-handed, "I've seen you Alex... looking at me, searching to see what color were me knickers, or what bra was I wearing"

"Can't blame it, you always know how to rock me world" You lean over to his ear, your motion decreases into barely any, and you lick your lips before you whisper.

"Imagine how hard can we rock your bed" He blushes as you began to jump on his cock, your tits jiggling and he's hypnotized by them, by the way you scream, and how your pussy feels. He's whimpering at just the sight of you. He grabs your waist tighter and makes you jump faster on his cock, feeling you get closer to an end, his thumb, flicking your clit until your burst all over him, he pants as your head falls on his shoulder.

"You love to tease me, don't you?" He leans over you, making you lie down on the seats, his hands grab your thighs wrapping them around his hips, you always liked how he always had to caress your skin, he couldn't help it, he loved feeling your body on his.

"Can't say I don't" You whisper to his lips, his hips increase his thrusts gradually rocking your bodies together, watching your collarbones sink as you try to catch your breath.

"You fuckin' cunt" You gasp as he buries himself inside you, "You've been teasing me all of this fucking time?" You sigh as his fingers tangle in your hair, his hips slowly thrusting inside you, it feels like ecstasy, all over your body, his eyes turning into darkness and lust.

"I always do" You giggled, he grabbed your wrists tightly, pinning them above your head, you were caught off guard, suddenly feeling like you had no control over him, he had control over you and you were enjoying it, watching him get affected by simple words, deep confessions, this night had changed your view on Alex for the better.

You stared into his coffee brown eyes, the shy boy that you once knew was all a costume, what he is beneath that, is what you like, "I'm gunna fuck your brains out" His cock feels so good inside you, feels thick, feels right, the friction and the pain of the stretching. It all feels too fucking good, you kept your eyes wide open as you both watch each other's faces, in your eyes there was a heavy secret, one that Alex was breaking into, you were a sucker for him, all you wanted was for him to fight more for you. And finally, he had taken power over your body.

He was balls deep inside you, watching you get aroused by the sounds of his moves, he kept thrusting inside you so fast that the car was rocking back and forward. He let go of your wrist to pin them both together with his other hand, his hand pressed against the window. He sends you spiraling down to a whole other world, you've never felt such way, his hands fall to your neck and you're finally able to dig your fingers into his back, you were a loud mess, out of control. He was mercilessly fucking your pussy, so deliciously buried inside you.

"Al... I can't hold it in," You screamed as he slammed himself back inside you, your fingers rubbing your clit so fast, your walls tightening, he groans, his grip on your neck tighter.

"Yeh fuckin' dirty cunt," He flips your leg to the side so he could have a better look at your bum, he was feeling aroused at the sound of your sss slapping against his hips, he took advantage to slap it hard making you moan harder, Andy's van rocking to Alex's pace, squeaking, bouncing.

Your vision was foggy. Alex enjoyed watching your eyeballs turn white and your mouth wide open, he couldn't take it any longer as well. He got so carried away with the sight of your body, your nipples hard, your pink lips, and your red raw pussy, your heat feels so good, he takes one last feel of it, making sure you came one last time before he pulled out fast enough to spill his cum on your belly, your eyes widened at the sight of his pink tip squirting out his cum as he fucks his fist, you saw his face in a frown, his forehead dripping in a cold sweat, and a last sigh of satisfaction falls from his mouth to yours.

"Fuckin' hell" You whisper, grabbing his attention, his hand lets go of the window to caress your hair and pour all of his love on a kiss to your lips, it feels like flowers blooming under that warm sun, it feels like hot cocoa on a cold December day, it feels like firecrackers, it feels like new year's countdown, it feels like it was meant to be, and for once, you let go and feel the love on his lips for a minute or two, you give it back with the same intensity, and he feels no longer frightened about anything. If he had you, he didn't need anything else.

"Mardy, I meant everything I said" You sigh.

"About me being a dirty fucking cunt?" You both crack in laughter, his arms pull you to his chest, and you lay on his arms like a baby, you let him hold you like that because you miss being held like this, you've never experienced anything like this, but deep down you know, love wears out, it dies, flowers rot, the firecrackers are thrown to the streets, summer ends, hot coco burns your tongue, and he will leave you soon. Alex sees you so deep in thought.

"What are you thinking about?" He says, too worried about everything, now that reality had settled in.

"I wonder how long it will take before you leave me" His eyes filled with sadness, he couldn't believe how you still thought about that, "We shagged, we did what we did, I'm just counting the seconds before we get out of this car and you forget about me" You move away from him, taking your clothes and warmth  from the floor and quickly dressing yourself up again. He was still in one piece. He looks at you with sullen eyes.

"It meant nothing to you?" He says with sadness pulling up his clothes.

"What is it supposed to mean, Alex?" He felt his heart being stung, a knife being twisted to his core.

"That I love you," He says with no remorse, you pull away, quickly getting out of the car, and he follows you at a fast pace as you begin to walk around the dark, he leaves everything else behind, "Where are you going, Mardy?!"

You feel like puking out your heart, you were looking for a place to hide, anywhere, any place at all. You looked and you looked as he kept screaming your name, "Why are you running away from me?!" He grabs your arm tightly.

"Don't you get it?" You snatch back your arm, "Why did you say that to me? How could you say that to me?" Your voice cracks as you look at him in the eyes, he slowly steps closer to you, how could he break something that was already torn to pieces?

"Because I do... because I truly do love you-"

"You don't mean that" He takes a step closer to you very slowly, watching your eyes water, and you pull away from him step by step, your untied shoelaces make you fall to the ground in a very stupid way that you crack into crying laughter for how pathetic you feel.

Alex sees your true colors for once, but he isn't afraid of what he sees, he's in love with what he sees, and so in love that it hurts so deeply to see you in such a state, "Love..."

"Don't call me like that" You say in between laughter, "I'm not your mardy, not your babe, I'm not anything to you" You spit.

He sits on the ground next to you, "You're everything to me" You roll your eyes, feeling your throat tighten, "I love you, I told you I do, it's all I've ever felt-"

You answer back, "I'm not everything, I'm just a catchy chorus in a 2-minute song Alex" He sits closer to you, watching you get out from your skirt your cigarette, and your lighter, feeling the warm embrace of the tabaco in the air.

"You're in every song I write, Mardy, I did one specifically called Mardy Bum... so you might understand how I feel about you," You look at him with an eyebrow up.

"Mardy Bum?" He smiles and nods his head, "That's a more personal one" You say with no emotion, you look into his eyes, and you see the truth in them, but you're too scared of giving into it, to give into him.

"And there are many more to come, but you're no 2-minute song and a catchy chorus, you're more than that, you've always been more than that" Alex's words couldn't have cut any deeper than any blade or any drug you've ever taken.

"There's so much you don't know about me" He grabs your hand, the one with the thick bracelet, and he holds it so tightly and kisses the back of your hand with care.

"I wanna know everything," His fingertips run through your braids, and your head falls to his shoulder.

"And what if you find out everything and you think I'm too fucked up? Why don't you just go with a fitter and healthier girl, huh?" His fingertips grace your chin, and he looks at you with his deep brown eyes and pecks your lips.

"Because they're not you" You stare into his eyes and you kiss him with the same love he did inside the car, you hadn't noticed how you were out of there, and he still followed you, he has always followed you.

There was a moment of pure silence after the kiss, you lay on his lap, curled up into a ball, feeling his soft hands caress your hair, you feel everything you once felt a long time ago, it's vague, but he makes it come alive again as he hums a sweet melody, "Well now then Mardy bum.... I've seen you frown and it's like looking down the barrel of a gun and it goes off... and out come all these words... oh, there's a very pleasant side of you, a side I much prefer, it's one that... laugh and jokes around... remember cuddles in the kitchen... yeah, to get things off the ground and it's up, up and away... oh, buts it's right hard to remember on a day like today when you're... argumentative and you've got that face on"

You pick yourself up from his lap to look at him with your glassy eyes, tears rolling down your cheeks, "Can I hear the full song when we get back home?" His thumb grazes your cheek, whipping down your tear.

"Of course, my love" His arm around your neck, kissing the back of your head, he turns you to lay your head on his arm.

"Do you really want to be with me, Al?" He smiles as he sees a door opening for him, he sighs feeling relieved you weren't arguing away with him.

"Yes, and so badly" He smiles, and giggles, "You won't get me to go, not anywhere" It feels good to hear that assurance from his lips, "Not anywhere"

"Good, because... I think... I love you too" Maybe it was too quick to say it but you didn't care, he sounded promising, and what else have you got to lose anyway? Maybe it was time for you to take a chance, let faith lead you blindly, maybe it was time to give in to him.

"Oh fuckin' hell, I was so scared you wouldn't say it back" You laugh, Alex enjoying the sound of your rich laughter, feeling excited about the thought of his clumsy words being the reason of that smile.

On the way back home, you were sat on Alex's lap willingly, your head on his shoulder, his arms around your waist, Maggy and Matt were stunned at the sight of you and Alex, you could feel their gaze on you as Alex covered your cold body with his denim jacket. Everyone tried to leash the lioness inside you, but he took a different approach that made him worthy of sticking around in your lonely cage.

A/N

Hi, missed me?

Happy Valentine's ! <3 

Still busy studying for my SATs :c

[bacusdraculacape]

Adding onto the end of my latest AM thery kinda adding to it but not really.

The Boardwalk, Sheffield is closed and boarded up years now. Here's a photo of it from my visit not long ago to prove so:

And an article beneath it I found online:

The Boardwalk, if you’re not away, is the location where:

> Alex Turner worked his first job before he did professional rockstarring.

> It is also the place where Arctic Monkeys played many of their first ever gigs at (lots of other bands used play there too when it was open).

> It is also the location in which Miles Kane and Alex Turner first met at in 26th of May 2005 when Miles’ band at the time: The Little Flames- which he played guitar for, supported Arctic Monkeys’ at it.

My wild idea: What if Alex Turner ever buys The Boardwalk keeps it as The Boardwalk and reopens it simply for being that place that gave him his first job, first chances to play live, and the place he found his true love at? Or if not solely him then him and a gang of music friends like how last year in 2023 Matt Helders and a group of musicians chipped in to stop an iconic pub to musicians and the Sheffield public from shutting it’s doors. FYI, Matt owns two cafes in Sheffield, too, both called: Ambulo.

[kunikisss]

i <3 beneath the boardwalk

[tranquilitybasegf]

why was i the person to update the list of songs recorded by arctic monkeys wikipedia page…. like half the songs from the car were just not on there including body paint and mirrorball which were singles ??? its been over a year since that album came out?? clearly no one else is as dedicated to the craft of html editing as I am

[nobully]

[ wrap ]  –  for the sender’s muse to casually wrap their arms around the receiver’s neck and lean on their shoulder from behind. 💖

the  intimacy  of  hands. | [ wrap ]

"Yiyi, look at that cat!"

Wang Yi rolls his eyes and keeps peddling. ' That's the fourth one in a row. We're not stopping for it again— '

"Why, you want me to pet you instead?"

' Tch. ' But Wang Yi dutifully brakes his bike, lets Nicolette climb off, and watches her pet the latest furball, a mild-mannered ginger who meows in greeting as his tail rises up in an agreeable curve.

"You pet him too," she prods.

' I don't care for cats. '

"Don't you keep one as a pet?"

' What, that slavedriver? ' Wang Yi makes a face at the thought of Sao Ling. ' Forget him. '

"You know, if you let me pet him more, maybe we wouldn't be stopping so often on this boardwalk."

' What's to stop you doing it anyways just to screw with me? ' Wang Yi shoots back, and feels a tiny vindictive triumph when she doesn't deny it beyond a snort. ' Besides, I barely know where he is these days. He comes for meals and naps but never stays home. '

For all he knew the fluffy System was living up a double life in the city just because he could. Wang Yi wouldn't be surprised to find out he'd befriended some mob boss or obscure powerful ally along the way.

But today's not about him.

He looks over at his passenger, every bit as wild as a cat herself (though he'd never say that out loud) with her scars and teeth and smiles, scratching the stray beneath his chin and around his ears as he begins to purr. March has come in like a lamb this year, granting them fair skies and mild weather for the last vestiges of winter. Pink tinges Nicolette's cheeks from the cold, giving her a schoolgirl vibe as she dotes on the fluffy animal.

Wang Yi doesn’t realize how quiet they’ve been until she glances at him with a pointed look.

“What are you thinking of all of a sudden?”

He sticks his hands in his pockets and stamps his feet. ' About how I'm freezing to death. Are you done yet? '

Yeah sure, the boardwalk's picturesque, but it's still nippy biking in a sea breeze this time of year. Nicolette has no sympathy for him, though. "Your fault for not bundling up outdoors."

' Who's the one that keeps taking pit stops for street cats, huh? '

"If you chose to pet them, maybe they'd warm up that cold, hard, heart of yours."

' I've had my own for years and he hasn't done any wonders. Oh look, it's leaving. ' His eyes follow the ginger tomcat as it scurries off into some shrubbery, nuzzling the dark tabby that comes out to greet it with bright golden eyes. ' Let's go, then. '

"Sourpuss," he hears Nicolette mutter under her breath, and it's almost pleasant because they're not cursing at each other like usual.

...weird thought. Spending time with this woman always spikes his blood pressure. So it's even stranger when Wang Yi finds it normal to get on his bike and wait for Nicolette to clamor on the back so they can resume their trip down the Boardwalk.

Had he seen her so often that it became habit for them to stick together? He didn't even plan to take her along today—he'd just seen her, waved hello, and didn't say no when she asked for a ride. She hadn't picked a destination and he didn't bother to ask, so they'd rode randomly around the city until they ended up here.

Wang Yi's still puzzling over his logic when arms wrap around his neck and a chin rests on his shoulder. He realizes Nicolette's on the bike but practically hugging him from the back instead of just holding him for support like usual.

' Are you tired? ' he asks while glancing sideways.

"Didn't you say you were cold?" she rolls her eyes at him. "I'm proving my worth as a passenger by keeping you warm."

' I thought it was my fault for not bundling up. '

"If you freeze your sorry ass then I'm out of a free ride," Nicolette points out. "There's a café up ahead, we can warm up and get some drinks there."

But they were so close. ' You're going to cling like this the entire way there? '

"What? It's not like I'll fall off," Nicolette retorts, before her voice turns sly. "Don't tell me you're embarrassed, Wangy. Though I am holding you pretty tight..."

' Yeah, and getting cat hair all over me. '

"God, you're such a moodkiller." she punches his shoulder in irritation. "Whatever, I'm cold and this helps, so get moving."

I didn't say I minded, Wang Yi complains internally before he starts pedaling a second later.

Wait, why am I even listening to her? It's not like I owe her anything now?

But well, it is cold and Nicolette's arms nice and warm around him so...whatever, he'd figure this out the next day.

Or the next day. Or the next.

[flowersforbucky]

it's nice to have a friend

bucky barnes x reader

word count: 3.2k

summary: you're having the worst period you've had in a long time. bucky is determined to help you feel better.

author's note: this is a silly and smutty piece that i felt compelled to write when i got my period a few days ago!

warnings/tags: smutty, reader has a period, langauge, use of a vibrator, nipple stimulation, no use of y/n, use of a cbd gummy lol, 18+ only

Approximately every twenty-eight days, you curse the fact that you were born with a uterus and vagina. 

This month, however, you were cursing that fact a bit earlier than expected. Cycle day twenty three, to be exact. 

Your periods never start this early, but as soon as you opened your eyes at six o'clock this morning, you knew what had occured while you were asleep. You could feel the moisture that soaked through your underwear and pajama pants before you could turn on the light to see that your white sheets had been dyed bright crimson beneath where you'd been laying. 

One load of laundry with extra stain remover and as much Pamprin max strength as one can safely take later, you are curled up on the couch of the compound's living room with a cup of coffee and a heating pad turned up so high that you risk first degree burns. 

“Are you sure you don't want me to stay with you today? We can go to Coney Island another time,” Natasha tries to reason with you once again. 

“I promise I'll be okay here,” you assure her. “These cramps are killing me, I won't be any fun to hang out with today. Go, enjoy yourself. When is the next time that you'll all have a free day and weather this perfect?” You gesture towards the sunshine streaming through the living room windows. 

“If you're sure,” she caves after a few moments of hesitation. “Promise I’ll win you that stuffed panda that you wanted so badly last time.” 

“I am going to hold you to that,” you tell her in a faux-serious tone. 

After Natasha and the rest of your friends have left for their day of riding rollercoasters and eating hotdogs on the boardwalk, you turn on your comfort show and settle in for an unexciting and uncomfortable day by yourself. 

A few hours later, you decide you've sat in the same position for long enough - you can practically feel your body morphing to the sofa. You're walking to the kitchen to refill your water bottle and find something to snack on when you collide with what feels like a brick wall. 

A brick wall that happens to smell really, really fucking good. 

You step back, finding that the brick wall is staring at you with a confused look on his face. 

"What are you doing here?” Bucky asks as he glances you over from head to toe, taking in your choice of apparel - baggy sweats that are about two sizes too big for you, a cropped tank, and fuzzy slippers. You resist the urge to cross your arms over your stomach - you didn't think anyone else would be here today and the tank top you're wearing doesn't exactly conceal the period bloat you're currently experiencing. 

"I live here,” you snap, a bit harsher than necessary. “What are you doing here?” 

“I also live here,” he says, returning your attitude. You roll your eyes, maneuvering your way around where he blocks the doorway. 

“What I mean,” he continues as he turns around, following you into the kitchen. “Is why aren't you with everyone at Coney Island?” 

“I could ask you the same question,” you challenge, pouring some more ice into your cup. “Steve never shuts up about the glory days, all the time the two of you spent at Coney Island. I'm surprised you're not there with him right now.” 

He huffs a laugh, pulling out one of the barstools at the kitchen's giant island and taking a seat. “We did spend a ridiculous amount of time at Coney Island,” he admits, his voice almost wistful. He hesitates before continuing, staring down at his hands as he traces a metal crevice on his left palm.

"But I haven't been to Coney Island since the forties. Guess I'm kinda scared it won't live up to my memories of it. Plus, I had a lot of laundry to catch up on, so..” he shrugs, trailing off. 

You're taken aback by the honesty of his explanation. “Yeah, well,” you start awkwardly, turning away from him to search through a cabinet for something to eat. “I can't say that I know what it was like in the forties, but it's one of my favorite places, present day.” 

“Then why are you hanging out by yourself while all of your friends are at one of your favorite places?” 

Damn it, you curse internally. He's really not going to drop this. What should I say, that my uterine lining is falling out in clumps? 

You grab a bag of freeze-dried fruit from the cabinet before turning back to face him, trying to come up with an excuse. 

“I just didn't sleep great–” you come to an abrupt stop in the middle of your sentence as a blinding pain shoots through your lower abdomen. The bag of fruit falls to the floor as you steady yourself on the ledge of the counter with one hand, clutching your stomach with the other. 

Bucky rises from his seat in an instant, closing the several feet of distance between the two of you in one big step. 

"Are you okay? What’s going on?” His hands are both extended to you in an offer of help. 

“I'm fine,” you say through a sharp intake of breath. “It’s.. it’s just cramps. Bad cramps,” you force the words out, propping your elbows up on the countertop to relax your body weight. 

“Oh,” he says as realization dawns on him. He bends down to grab the bag of fruit that lays next to your feet, and then places it on the table in front of you. “I guess that answers my question, then,” he adds, referring to why you didn't go to Coney Island. 

“Ya think?” You stand back upright, grabbing your snack and water bottle off of the counter. “Now, if you don’t mind, I have a busy day of bed-rotting ahead of me.” 

“Some exercise would help,” he calls when you're about to exit the kitchen. “Laying in bed won't do much for you. A little bit of light exercise to release some beta-endorphins, maybe an abdominal massage–” 

“Are you really man-splaining menstrual cycle pain management to me right now?” You ask, slowly turning to face him with an incredulous look on your face. “I wasn't aware that you had a medical license or that I asked for your opinion.” 

“Just trying to help, sweetheart,” he shrugs with a mischievous grin. 

“If you want to help, you can go get the Italian food that I'm craving and give me an abdominal massage yourself,” you practically spit at him. “Otherwise, keep the unsolicited advice to yourself and fuck off.” 

You turn back around and all but run out of the room before you can process the shocked, albeit pleased look on his face.  

After you've closed your bedroom door behind you (with perhaps a bit more force than necessary), you sink into the fresh sheets on your bed and shove several pieces of apricot into your mouth. 

Rationally, you knew that Bucky's advice was solid, and that he was just trying to get a reaction out of you. That's just the kind of friendship that the two of you have. Sarcastic, teasing and occasionally… tension-filled. 

You definitely didn't help the matter by telling him to massage your abdomen, but what does he expect when he suggests something as horrible as exercising during a time that you simply want nothing more than to melt into your mattress? 

Your cell phone chimes from the pocket of your sweatpants. You dig it out and look at the text displayed across your lock screen. 

Bucky Barnes: What kind of Italian food, specifically? 

You would never admit it to him, but the corners of your mouth tug upwards into a smirk as you read his message. 

You type: Don't you have a lot of laundry to catch up on? and press send. The message is marked as “read” right away. 

He types. And types. And types some more – until those three dots indicating a message in progress disappear. 

Whatever. You click your phone off and toss it somewhere in the covers around you. 

The next couple hours are spent sitting under the near scalding stream of your shower, and then reading on your Kindle in the dark. As jealous as you are that your friends are undoubtedly having a blast today, you honestly don't mind your current situation - aside from feeling like your organs are being pulled out of your vagina, you hardly ever have days with zero obligations other than to just relax in whatever way you see fit. 

A strong knock on your door causes you to lose your place on the page. 

"You didn't give me a legitimate answer so I hope you like gnocchi, or eggplant parmesan, or traditional lasagna, or extra breadsticks..” 

“You know, it's not funny to joke about carbs to someone when they are–” 

You come to a stop in the middle of your sentence when you swing your door open to see him holding several plastic bags. An aroma of garlic and herbs hits you in the face. 

Oh. Not a joke, then. 

He extends one of the bags to you with his big, blue puppy dog eyes. You take it from him, opening the door further as an invitation to enter your bedroom. 

"Consider this a peace offering,” he says, placing the other bags of food on your bed and perching awkwardly on the edge of your mattress. You close the door behind you, walking back to where you had previously been lounging on the bed. 

“I'm sorry for being a smartass,” he adds more genuinely. “I just.. didn't like seeing you in pain. That's all.” 

“This is far from my first period,” you shrug, not meeting his stare. “You get used to it after a while. But consider yourself forgiven.” 

He gives you a small smile when you finally look up at him. He grabs a smaller bag that you hadn't noticed him carrying, one that is visibly less full than the others. He reaches inside, pulling out a small jar that he hands over to you. 

Your brows furrow as you inspect it closely. “CBD gummies?” You ask, your brows now raising quizzically. You open the jar, popping one of the pink, cube-shaped gummies into your mouth. “Watermelon flavored CBD gummies?” 

You notice the faintest trace of blush bloom across his cheeks. “I take them sometimes to help me sleep,” he starts, fiddling with some of the beading on your comforter. “But they can help with all different kinds of pain too, so I just thought you might like some.” 

You close the jar, placing it on your bedside table before reaching over and grabbing his flesh hand in yours. “Thank you, Bucky,” you say, giving his hand a squeeze and then releasing it. “Really. I appreciate all of this.” You try to ignore the jolt of electricity that buzzes through you when your skin comes in contact with his. His hand is both softer and warmer than you would have imagined. It brings you back to the last words that you spewed at him in the kitchen earlier. 

"A shit ton of pasta and CBD gummies,” you snort a laugh. “Would I be pushing my luck if I asked for that abdominal massage too?” You say it in a way that sounds halfway serious, halfway joking. 

“If that's what you want,” he says lowly, turning to angle his body towards you on the bed. “Then just say the word.” 

The air in your room suddenly feels suffocating. 

It is what you want - but you're at a loss for words. So instead of a verbal response, you scoot over to the middle of the bed, closer to where he sits on the opposite side. You lay down so that your back is flat against the mattress, your head propped up by a single pillow. 

Bucky's eyes widen in surprise, but he quickly wipes the look of astonishment from his features. He moves so that he's sitting directly next to your legs, giving him a proper angle to put his hands on your lower stomach. 

You're wearing the same sweatpants and tank top from earlier, having thrown the outfit back on after your shower. The loose sweatpants hang low enough to expose your hip bones and the edge of your underwear. 

The intimacy of the entire situation hits you the second that his hands make contact with your skin. 

“Tell me if you want me to stop,” he murmurs, perhaps sensing your nerves. “Or if I do anything that doesn't feel good.” 

Your eyes shut instinctively at the polar opposite sensations of his flesh and vibranium hands. Skin and metal, fire and ice.

“I will,” you assure him. Your words come out breathier than intended. 

There's an immediate relief in your lower stomach as he rubs languid circles across your midriff. It's a feeling beyond pleasure as the cramps fade the more he touches you. 

His vibranium pinky dances along the waistband of your underwear, causing goosebumps to spread across your skin. You try to focus on the relief he's bringing you - not the fact that you're wearing a thin tank top that leaves so much of your skin on display, giving him a clear view of the goosebumps that he's caused. 

He continues with the precise motions until the pain in your abdomen has faded nearly entirely - you feel so good that you can't stop yourself from letting out the smallest moan when his flesh hand applies just the right amount of pressure near your pelvis. 

You know he heard it - there's no way he didn't. Just as you know there's no way that he doesn't notice your fully hardened nipples through the thin fabric of your tank top. 

You keep your eyes closed, terrified to meet his gaze in this state. You dread the moment that you feel his hands pull away from your skin. 

"You know,” he starts, his voice possessing a strained edge. “I don't think this is good enough for you.” 

Your eyes shoot open, looking at him in a nervous confusion. There's a glimmer in his eyes that you can't quite pinpoint - his stare trailing to your bedside table on the opposite side of you. “But I think I do know what could make you feel much better.” 

“What are you talking about?” Your voice quivers as you follow his stare. You're not sure what he's looking at - all that sits on your nightstand is the CBD gummies he had just given you, your Kindle, a few books, a bottle of lotion, and the Himalayan salt lamp that paints you both in an orange glow. 

He smirks before leaning across you - keeping his vibranium hand pressed firmly on your belly as he uses his flesh hand to pull open the drawer of the small table. 

“Hey! What are you–” but he retrieves the object he’s looking for before you can finish questioning him. You freeze at what he's holding in his hand. 

Your vibrator. Your glittery, lavender colored vibrator. 

“How the fuck did you–” 

“Do you think I can't hear you using this from across the hallway late at night?” He grins smugly. “That I can't hear your little whimpers when you think everyone's asleep?” 

Your face heats up a hundred degrees. You don't know whether to be infuriated or massively turned on. 

Both. You're definitely feeling a mix of both. 

He clicks the power button, turning on the device to its lowest setting. He watches you for a moment, giving you ample time to tell him to fuck off.

Instead, you once again relax against the pillow, your body going limp for him. You spread your legs the slightest bit. 

He takes this as his signal to proceed. Not taking his eyes off of your face, he trails the head of the wand from your lower stomach and over the fabric of your sweatpants until he reaches the apex of your thighs. Your nipples pucker once again, your thighs clenching around the tip of the vibrator. 

Bucky moves the device in a circular motion, making your back arch off the bed and your head tip back. 

How is it that it feels better when he massages you with it through your fucking pants than it does when you use it on your bare pussy? 

You hear the clicking of a button again, and the force of the vibration over your clothed cunt increases. You grind down on the device, desperate for friction. 

Bucky watches you with something akin to pride on his face. 

“You know how I told you to tell me if I do something you don't like?” He asks as he pushes the head of the wand directly down on your clit with the perfect amount of pressure. 

“Yeah,” you answer - it comes out like a moan that you'd hear in a porno.

“Good girl,” he praises. “Remember that.” 

Before you can clear your head enough to wonder what he means, he's tugging up the cotton fabric of your tank top and exposing your breasts. 

You gasp at the sensation of the cool air blowing from the AC coming in contact with your already hard nipples. Bucky leans forward, keeping the vibrator on your core, and captures one of your nipples in his mouth. 

Your hand immediately goes to his hair, tugging the soft brown locks in your fingers to keep him in place. His free hand grasps your other breast, rolling your nipple between his fingers. 

The combination of pleasure radiating from your pussy and his hand and mouth on you is fucking perfect. Fucking perfect, and all too much. 

You clench your thighs together, riding against the vibrator until you feel warmth spreading through your lower belly. 

“Oh my god, Bucky,” you moan - he groans when you say his name, the vibration sending you tumbling over the edge. You come hard, possibly harder than any other orgasm you've had in your life, thoroughly soaking your panties. 

When you've finished writhing beneath him, Bucky pulls back, removing both his mouth and the vibrator. He clicks the device off, tossing it towards the foot of your bed. 

You're panting, staring up at the ceiling, trying to process what the fuck just happened when you hear Bucky let out a low chuckle. 

Your eyes snap to him, finding that he looks thoroughly pleased with himself. 

"Can't say that's how I expected the day to go when I decided to sit this Coney Island trip out,” he sighs. 

“You can say that again.” You sit upright, bending your legs and crossing them at the ankles. You lean forward, tugging your shirt back into place before pulling one of the bags of food to you. 

"We should go sometime soon. Together,” you add, somewhat nervously. You aren't sure why - the guy just gave you the best orgasm of your life (and barely even touched you). 

“Are you asking me on a date?” that sly smile reappears. 

You shrug. “Yeah, I suppose I am.” 

"Then my answer is yes. But only if you share some of this food with me.” 

♡♡♡♡♡

my masterlist

thanks so much for reading!!! can anyone tell that i really fucking love food by how often i incorporate it into my writing? 😅

[sleeplessdreamer14]

𝓌𝒽𝑒𝓃 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓀𝓃𝑜𝓌 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓀𝓃𝑜𝓌

fandom: gravity falls

relationship: stanford pines x reader

summary: the moment Ford realized he liked you. 

contains: stan being stan, the uh-oh moment, and pining

Ford wasn’t the most social person, to put it plainly. Despite his popularity amongst his teachers at school and the odd handful of classmates, he normally preferred his own company, otherwise his family’s. It had been that way for a long time, and it seemed like it would remain so for the foreseeable future.

And so it did. That is, until he met you, which he did not see coming. 

You had this welcoming presence about you, that much was clear by the way you spoke to him for the first time in the seventh grade, remaining mostly unfazed by his sixth digit aside from the initial surprise. The first time he caught himself rambling about parapsychology and anomalistics, he found no judgment or disinterest in your expression. In fact, you were actually listening, setting down whatever you were doing just to give him your undivided attention. That was a first. It felt nice to have someone (who wasn’t his brother or mother) listen to him. 

And the energy was returned, as he indulged your interests too. Before he knew it, Ford would often seek out your company, whether his brother was available or not, and the two of you could usually be found bouncing ideas off of each other. The room seemed to brighten when you came into view, your presence made him feel comfortably warm inside. Whenever you two parted ways, it always felt too soon, just like it did now.

“Oh my gosh.”

Stan’s voice drew Ford’s attention away from you as you left.

“What?” he asked, mildly perturbed by the wily grin on his brother’s face. Stan just chuckled and nudged him, “You’ve got it so bad, it’s almost embarrassing.” he teased, to which Ford lightly shoved him away, beginning their route back home from the pier. 

“Stanley, come on. They’re my friend just as they are yours. They’re good company.” he said, glancing off to the side, as if that could conceal the rosy pink hue on his face, but Stan remained undeterred. “Sixer, face it. You’re whipped with a capital wh-pshh!” he said, smacking one hand with his other for emphasis. 

“I am not- look, [Name] is very kind and a good friend, I appreciate that. It’s not like I lie awake at night thinking about them.”

Several hours later, it was well past nightfall and everyone in the Pines household was fast asleep, save Ford. 

Up on the top bunk, he laid on his back, hands folded over his midriff as his chest heaved slowly and his heart thrummed steadily beneath its surface. That warmth was still present, especially around his face. His conversation with Stanley had been playing on loop all evening.

Of course Ford liked you, heck, he was crazy about you. You were so nice to him and fun to be around, your enthusiasm was so endearing, and you never treated his abnormalities as though they were defects.

And you weren’t bad to look at either, of course, like earlier that afternoon on the boardwalk when the sun’s light highlighted your features. He could stare at you for hours. The way you diminished his resolve just by looking his way and smiling at him was so positively-

Oh.

Oh. 

“Oh no.”

Ford could just faintly hear a sleepy chuckle from his brother in the bunk below him. 

if this gets enough notes I’ll write a part 2

[monstersholygrail]

Drove up today and having a total beach day which has been amazing despite the heat. But it’s also giving me soooo many monster thoughts

Imagine you go up to one those boardwalk fortune teller machines and you think, ‘eh, why not. It could be fun.’ And it seems like the machine agrees with you as your jaw drops when you read the fortune. This tiny paper of fate claims that today you will get your world rocked by a creature out of this world.

First of all, how is a fortune like that even in there? Secondly, what the hell kind of fortune is this?! You look into the plastic eyes of the mystic woman and something within you says to believe her. To take this fortune seriously.

Turning to the beach just down the steps your eyes immediately fall onto the Tentacle Monster lifeguard, wondering if he’ll be the one to fulfill your fortune. His long tentacles curled around the high chair and you imagine what it would be like to ride him on top of it. To see the length of the beach while his tentacles reach deep inside you to places you’ve never been able to go.

Or maybe the pack of Wolf Hybrids down the way. Half of them playing volleyball on the beach and the other throwing around a frisbee. You imagine them passing you around, each of them having their turn with you as they fuck into your weeping holes, never letting you rest for even a moment as they cant get enough of feeling your wet heat suffocate their cocks.

A shiver passes through you and you quickly look away before you get ahead of yourself. And when you do your eyes can’t help but be drawn to the ocean.

Mermen popping their head up above the water. Hungrily watching the humans from afar. Your thoughts drift to swimming your way into the ocean and getting sucked under the waves. Before you know it a whole pod of them are swarming you, desperately stuffing their mouths, fingers, and cocks inside of you. Eager for your warmth to surround them and wanting to drown you in pleasure.

Perhaps other merfolk will join them. Shark Hybrids smelling your arousal from afar and using it to hunt you down so that they may feast on your flesh in the most toe curling way. Wanting nothing more than to devour you and make you cum harder than you could ever dream.

As you find yourself stepping toward the ocean, drawn to the temptation of what could be, your foot knocks into a cooler. An apology falls from your lips as you step back, only to see a suspiciously pale man hidden completely under an umbrella. And suddenly you know you won’t find your average drink in that cooler.

Your mind spins up the image of the Vampire man snatching you under his umbrella with inhumane speed. Dragging your body beneath him and ravaging you mercilessly. Preferring to get his blood from the source instead of his cooler. And as his fangs sink deep inside you, so does his cock. Both working to bring you to new heights of ecstasy, your mind growing foggy as he draws blood from you in time with the furious pumps of his hips until you can’t help but cum. Your release making your blood taste that much sweeter.

You quickly snap out of your thoughts, your chest quickly rising and falling with your panting breaths. Arousal gushes out of you, soaking your panties and bringing a wave of heat throughout your body.

You shift uneasily, hoping it isn’t too noticeable. Hoping they can’t smell it. But as each of them slowly turn to look at you, your hope fades away into nothing but more arousal. Not slowing yourself to second guess this, you walk closer to the ocean.

Ready to have the time of your life.

Thoughts anyone??

[saltstarzz]

“𝐈'𝐯𝐞 𝐆𝐨𝐭 𝐌𝐲 𝐒𝐢𝐱 𝐄𝐲𝐞𝐬 𝐀𝐥𝐥 𝐎𝐧 𝐘𝐨𝐮,”

𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐬: clingy!gojo x AFAB reader, SFW + NSFW. SFW: cuddling + kissing + silliness + touching + close proximity NSFW: pussy eating + rough pace + creampie + breeding kink + brief pregnancy mention + whining + pleading + aftercare

𝐚/𝐧: hello, this is technically my first post here and my first fic. had Gojo brainrot and needed to write it.

: ̗̀➛ 𝐒𝐅𝐖

clingy!gojo never once saw himself being a clingy lover by any means. He was a busy man, and never tended to stay in one place for too long, and never stayed with one person for too long either. Until you came crashing into his life.

suddenly, clingy!gojo is practically begging the higher-ups to let him stay just a little longer in japan so he can stay with you for just an extra day or so.

If clingy!Gojo had problems with personal space before, it absolutely skyrockets when you two begin dating. he's always so close to you. a couple inches to your hip, or behind you. trails alongside you when you two go out, always in your personal space by barely inches.

always has to be touching you. it's practically habit now for clingy!gojo to slip an arm around your waist to hug you closer to him or intertwine your fingers, or even sling his arm around your shoulder. he does it so much that even his students grow used to it, expecting their teacher to always be attached to your hip whenever you're around.

clingy!gojo takes initiative with every date he plans. it's always extravagant or extremely childish like a trip to an amusement park on a summer afternoon or a fancy restaurant out on a boardwalk, there's no middle ground. he's giddy and on the day of the outing, he's up under you, constantly prattling on about his plans for day while practically hip to hip.

clingy!gojo was frivolous before you started dating, and it's absolutely ramped up now that you're together. oftentimes, your shopping trips come out to thousands of yen, and clingy!gojo doesn't even bat an eye. get that cute bag you've been looking at, or those pairs of shoes you saw online, he'll cover it. sometimes, when he's away on missions overseas, he comes back with piles of souvenirs for you, all nonsensical little trinkets that reminded him of you like stickers of the American flag or pins from Spain.

and finally, when clingy!gojo is forced on a mission that takes him away from you, even for a week, he blows up your phone with nonsensical messages about his day and calls you any chance he gets. quick short sentences telling you about a bird he saw or that he stubbed his toe, and long calls where sometimes you two aren't even talking. you'll be cooking with the TV in the back and he's riding public transport, but it's the fact you two are somewhat connected, even miles away that puts clingy!gojo at ease.

“Satoru, we talked about this,” you chuckle softly, looking down at the piles and piles of trinkets and souvenirs piled up on the dining table. Keychains, and pins, and even bottle openers and handfuls of stamps, all from Brazil. “We don't have any room for more souvenirs,” you remind him gently.

And unsurprisingly, Satoru is pouting. His back straight as he stares down at the piles of souvenirs on the dining table like he's mourning the fact he can't take a stray pet home. His lips juts out and his hip is practically touching yours.

“Honey...” you gently begin but Satoru cuts you off by gently sliding out a long keychain beneath the pile.

“We can't even keep this one?” he asks, his free hand sliding into yours.

It's a keychain with your name emblazoned onto it in white text with a cheap background of a Brazilian beach. The plastic is scratched up, but there's clearly thought taken to it.

You sigh. You've never been good at telling Satoru no, especially not now with his lip jutted out and his blue eyes shimmering at you behind his blue glasses.

“Fine...”

NSFW below this cut: Minors, please DNI

: ̗̀➛ 𝐍𝐒𝐅𝐖

clingy!gojo is on an absolute mission when you two have sex. it's never routine and clingy!gojo is absolutely happy to do it. falls to his knees at the edge of the bed with your legs loosely over his shoulders and he sucks and licks and eats at your pussy like it's all he knows how to do. (bonus points if it's just after a mission)

clingy!gojo adores everything about your pussy. thinks about it constantly and when he's got it, he focuses on nothing but it. drives two of his long fingers deep into you, one at a time while he works you up to it with his tongue and slow, deep plunges. absolutely talks you through it too, nonsensical rambling consisting of a lot of L-bombs and praises, while he licks and toys with your clit.

clingy!gojo fucking loves foreplay. adores touching you and kissing over your breasts or along your tummy or running his hands up and down your sides to send goosebumps on your skin. it's his favorite thing in the entire world.

when you and clingy!gojo do end up fucking though, clingy!gojo is an absolute puddle. the moment the tip is in, clingy!gojo practically melts. his shoulders relax and his long white lashes flutter and he's groaning. thrusts all the way in the moment he feels your pussy flutter around his tip.

clingy!gojo buries his face into your shoulder while you two have sex, or into the crook of your neck. his hips are driving his cock into you over and over again at a quick and hard pace that's so mind numbingly good, you two are both basically brainless.

clingy!gojo 1 billion percent holds your hands while you fuck. intertwines your fingers with his and even kisses your knuckles or your fingers. such a big hand holder.

clingy!gojo is extremely vocal during sex too. whining about how tight you are, and how much he loves your pussy. his voice rarely cracks, but he's an absolute mess and he can't help it. pleads with you to let him go a little deeper or to let him cum inside, with the latter being on days when it's been too long since you two have had sex.

and clingy!gojo isn't even super kinky, but the days that you're safe and he can cum inside, clingy!gojo takes full advantage of it. mumbles and pleads with you to let him put a baby in you. not to give his clan an heir, but just to let him. he wants to see your tummy round and growing bigger with each passing month and that's enough to get his cock twitching. he knows you can't, given birth control or simple safe days, but he loves the idea, melts when he thinks about it.

when clingy!gojo does finally cum, he cums for a long ass time. cock nestled deep into your pussy, as rope after rope of cum flows freely into you. he's shaking through it all and sucking in breaths through his teeth, until he can finally relax.

clingy!gojo, no matter how vanilla or rough your night can be, always includes aftercare. though he doesn't specifically call it aftercare, clingy!gojo does it every night. gets you all cleaned up, rubs out any tension in your hibs or if you've had a particularly rough night, he rubs his hands soothingly over your ass. prepares a bath for you if it's harder to stand, or a shower for you both. changes out the sheets, and cuddles you throughout the night, practically crushing you under his weight.

“Satoru-- Nnh, shit!”

Deep plunge after deep plunge, you can feel the head of his cock pressing just right on a little spot inside of you. It hits its mark right every single time, and has your vision going fuzzy. You're sopping wet, soaking little rings into his cock and wetting his white hairs with every deep thrust that brings you two hip to hip.

“Satoru!”

Your boyfriend has his head nestled into the crook of your neck, his fingers intertwined with yours, pressing them down into the satin sheets. He's panting and groaning into your skin, sweat rolling down in gentle droplets over his skin.

“Baby, please... Please, let me cum inside. Please, please, please. I can't pull out. I don't want to pull out...” he whines, his voice uncharacteristically high, full of whining and pleasing.

You're not surprised he'd ask you that. Satoru loved to cum inside and watch his seed flow out from your pussy before he licked you clean. But Satoru doesn't simply stop there tonight.

“I need to put a baby in you...”

Probably a slip of the tongue, but if Satoru meant to correct himself he never does. He lifts his head as his thrusts become even faster, feverish and needy. “I need you to have my kids, baby, I need every fucking drop inside you.”

[britany1997]

Man of Your Midsummer Night’s Dreams

Dwayne x GN Fae Reader

Hope y’all enjoy this sweet little meet cute fic for Dwayne and Fae reader! Was really going for a ‘intimidating tough guy x sunshine reader’ trope hehe.

Comment to let me know you’d like to be added to my TLB taglist.

Dividers by @firefly-graphics

Dwayne awoke with a start, fumbling around in the dark. He patted around his necklace, only to find another piece missing.

He growled lowly to himself and jumped down from the ceiling, waking the boys.

Paul yawned, rubbing his eyes. “What’s wrong man, why ya up so early?”

Dwayne frowned. “It happened again.”

Marko leapt down to the floor beside Dwayne. “Dude that’s crazy,” he scratched his head in confusion. “How could someone…I mean how did they…” he sighed.

“I don’t know,” Dwayne’s hands balled into fists. “But I’m gonna find out.”

You zipped around the boardwalk, snagging pins from jackets, buttons from bags, and dangly earring from ears, leaving a glamor in their place so as not to alert the owner to your thieving. You filled your arms with any shiny object you could get your hands on.

Humans were simple, you thought to yourself as you weaved in and out of the massive crowd of people, so easily charmed and tricked.

You paused to watch the sight of them bumbling around the boardwalk, unaware of your presence and the mischief you were causing. You laughed to yourself.

While you were largely indifferent to humans, there were a few you liked more than others.

Like this one. You cloaked yourself with invisibility, allowing your catlike smile to disappear into the sea air.

You tailed the dark haired man, his beauty beckoning like a candle in the dark.

You toyed with his hair, taking a strand between your fingers and pulling lightly. You stilled when his head turned just slightly. Could he see you?

He shrugged and returned to joking around with his friends, probably blaming your ministrations on the wind.

You smirked. He was just some silly human…some silly, pretty human man.

You picked at the charms on his necklace. You’d been visiting him every now and again, taking piece after piece and building a necklace of your own.

You wanted to remember this human when you eventually flitted out of town. They didn’t usually come this cute.

You reached out to pull at the necklace, but before you could, his hand sealed around your wrist.

You gasped, your invisibility fading, causing you to materialize in front of the four men.

You were so shocked, you couldn’t contain the glamor keeping you in human form. Translucent wings, soft and thin as silk, sprouted from your shoulder blades.

The blonde men’s eyes filled with awe as they took in the sight of you, but the dark haired man only scowled.

Your first impulse was to compress to your true form and fly away, but the man growled under his breath, his fangs poking out of his mouth. “Don’t even try it,” he warned.

Your jaw dropped, “you’re- you’re not human,” you stuttered.

The bleach blond man chuckled, “not quite sprite.”

Your nose scrunched in annoyance, “I’m a fairy,” you corrected.

He smirked at you and the dark haired man, “you’re all the same to me.”

You scowled.

The bleach blond man grabbed the two other men by their collars. “We’ll see you back at the cave Dwayne,” his eyes narrowed on you, “seems you’ve got some business to deal with before you head home.”

Your eyes widened in fear. You turned towards Dwayne. “You wouldn’t want my blood, it’s poisonous for vampires,” you lied.

He yanked you into an alleyway nearby and pushed you up against a cold stone wall. “You’re a liar little thief,” he purred.

You squeaked.

“Why did you steal from me?” He demanded.

You gaped like a fish, your eyes taking in his beautiful face. You could lose yourself in those big brown eyes.

You longed to touch his chiseled jaw and feel his stubble beneath your fingers.

You blushed.

He pushed you harder into the stone. “Tell me.”

“Stop! My wings,” you whimpered, the pressure threatening to crack them.

Dwayne’s firm expression never wavered, but he did loosen his grip. “Spit it out,” he demanded.

“I- I liked you,” you confessed. “I just wanted something of yours to keep with me.”

His brow furrowed and he let you down. “What?” he asked.

Your face turned bright red. “Fae we um…we like small little trinket things,” you gestured to his necklace.

“But we like pretty things too,” you shifted on your feet nervously, you felt caught in two different ways.

Dwayne cocked his head. You waited nervously for his reaction.

His lip pulled up into a smirk. “You think I’m pretty?” he teased.

You huffed, your already red face going full tomato. “You don’t have to make a big deal about it,” you pouted.

“Don’t be shy,” he purred, “I think you’re pretty too.”

He ran the back of his hand along your wings gently. “You’re such a delicate little thing, arentcha baby?”

You giggled, your wings twitching with excitement. “Vampires are so interesting,” you leaned in to stroke his chest lightly, “I’ve heard all about your sharp teeth, but no one’s ever told me about your silver tongues.”

His smile was all fang.

You flashed him a pouty look with big puppy dog eyes, “do you forgive me?” you asked, “for taking your things.”

He raised an eyebrow, holding out his hand to you, “why don’t you give them back first.”

You pouted, but reluctantly handed over the charms from his necklace.

“How bout I make you your own baby?” he offered. “Come back to the cave with me, I’ll make you anything you want.”

You beamed, nodding and shrinking down to your true fairy form. You landed, sitting down in the palm of his outstretched hand.

His other hand came around to stroke your cheek with one finger. “You’re adorable like this,” he whispered, “so precious.” He held you reverently.

You blushed, smiling up at him with admiration. You wouldn’t be leaving Santa Carla anytime soon.

TLB Taglist❤️:

@6lostgirl6 @misslavenderlady @crustyboypix @anna1306 @bloodywickedvamp @sad-ghost-of-garbage @hypocriticaltypwriter @lostboys1987girl @solobagginses @gothamslostboy @arbesa-mind @dwaynesluscioushair @dwaynedelight @chiefdirector @its-freaking-bats @kurt-nightcrawler @arenpath @ria-coolgirl @vampirefilmlover @vxarak @mickkmaiden333 @bitchyexpertprincess @f4iryfxies @katerinaval @softchonk @walmart-cereal @warrior-616 @rynsfandomsfun @fraudfrog @mack-attack420

[junedenim]

2003

beneath the boardwalk, part 1 (series masterlist)

bigger boys & stolen sweethearts

warnings: long-haul series, drug usage, fluff, angst, etc.

word count: 13k

As a favour to my friend, Joanie, I went to Barnsley College. She was my best friend and it was between that or going to Wakefield College. I didn't want to go to Wakefield. Everyone from Wakefield went to Wakefield College. Albie, my recently ex-boyfriend was going to Wakefield. So, I went to Barnsley.

I decided to study English Literature solely because I had no idea what else to do. I hated reading at that age and I don't know why I fathomed in my mind that it would be a proper fit for me other than the fact I liked to write. Still like to write.

Barnsley was more about my "friends" than education. Joanie and I got drunk most weekends and my whole friend group seemed to indulge in some version of friend-cest with one another. By the end of that first year, it seemed like everyone had seen a peek of someone else. I'm sure I got around more than most. I don't think I even enjoyed it half the time. I don't think most people enjoy sex at that age other than the rush of doing it and the inevitable quick release.

Matt seemed to be the only guy I wouldn't touch. I had met Matt in a photography class we both took and he became a good drinking buddy. At those booze-filled parties where people's noise would practically shake the building, Matt and I would sneak out and share a smoke with one another.

One night, as we were sitting on the curb next to each other, he asked me, "How come out of everyone at this school we've never hooked up?"

He passed me the cigarette. "I don't know," I told him. "I just don't see you that way, Matt."

"Yeah," he agreed. "Think it would be too weird."

Right before our first year was finished, Matt told me his band had their first gig in a couple of weeks. He didn't say it like an invitation. It was all casual, like, "There's this place called The Grapes. The band's got a gig there."

"Oh, cool," I told him. I'm not sure if he was expecting me to show up or just inform me. "Do you want me to come?"

He shrugged and took a bite out of the sandwich he was eating. It was silent for a moment and I thought that was it until he said, "You could bring a couple of your friends. Joanie or something. Make a night out of it."

I had already been informed by both parties that Joanie and Matt had hooked up last week but neither knew that the other had told me. I knew I wouldn't be seeing most of my friends over the summer and it felt like a rather nice bon voyage event.

So, I invited a group of friends like Matt requested. Rosie, Will, Claire, AB, and, of course, Joanie. Will and I had a complicated relationship, to say the least. We'd go back and forth from having sex like rabid bunnies and hating each other. When I invited him that night I had expected that I would end the night in bed with him. I'm sure he had the same impression.

AB was the gentleman of the group and in typical fashion resigned to being the designated driver. The rest of us were planning to get completely hammered.

The Grapes was bigger than I had expected. When I pictured a band performing their first gig, I suppose I imagined a garage somewhere. It wasn't giant by any means but there was a little stage that they all would squeeze on together.

I had met Alex before—in passing at any number of parties. I can't remember if I had been introduced to him before I knew Matt but I recognized his face somewhere. Like I had seen it before in some picture. I was likely too intoxicated at our first meeting to make much sense of what I said or what he said but the next time I was introduced to him, at this Grapes's show, he looked nervously fidgeting like he was desperate for a cigarette or something to choke back on.

"Jeanie, right?" He pointed his finger at me and smiled uncomfortably.

"Jane." I corrected him. To be honest, I think I only remembered his name because Matt told me he was the lead singer. I couldn't picture Alex as a lead singer.

He was endearingly embarrassed by his mistake and repeatedly went, "Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry." Like he had just rear-ended me or something. "Jane. Jane. Jane. Jane." Like it was his mantra helping him calm himself.

"It's fine," I told him. I was itching for a cigarette now too. It was awkward and the air at The Grapes felt too hot and sticky for North England.

"I'm Alex." He stuck his hand out like he was being interviewed for a job.

I shook his hand and said, "Good luck with your show." I smiled and passed by him walking over to where Claire had grabbed our seats. Something tells me his eyes were following me as I left.

I don't think of myself as some style icon. Others have placed that upon me, which is quite the honor, but at 17 I didn't feel that so much. However, that night I felt comfortable. It was a feeling I hadn't felt in my skin since maybe nursery. In my opinion, I hadn't worn anything marvelous. It was this orange and red plaid mini skirt with a red tank top I had tucked into it. I had brought a red cardigan with me if it got cold. I didn't often coordinate my outfits but I suppose it felt like a special occasion to me. I didn't think there was any need to impress anyone. So, on a rare instance, I was dressing for myself.

I think Will must have been grabbing my ass for half the show. I didn't tell him otherwise but I think if I was older I would have rejected it. Back then I didn't think I had the option. I regretted wearing that skirt.

They didn't blow me away but they were better than I expected. Matt was cocky when talking about them but Matt is still cocky talking about anything. But most times, he's being honest. I suppose I have to agree with his comment: "We're fucking brilliant. You'll see one day, J."

I didn't think I would ever talk to Alex again. I've been trained to avoid those awkward conversations and Alex was often the type to stay huddled in a corner, sometimes with a drink, sometimes with a lass. I hang around my own bunch. My arm rarely strayed from wrapped around Claire's side and we affectionately called each other "babe" just to have someone call us "babe."

Later that night, I accepted my fate of having to go out for a solo smoke. Matt was practically grinding up against Joanie at this point of the night. I went out and there Alex was, leaning up against the wall, having a smoke.

I decided to act like I didn't see him, which was probably rude but I didn't think he'd want to talk to me either. He was against the left side of the wall so I went to the right.

"'Ey, Jane." He called out to me.

It took me a second to get my feet to move and it took me too long to realize it was him calling me. I turned and he stood straight, staring at me. I felt myself get warmed in the cheeks with a mix of shame and flattery. I couldn't tell where he was heading with this and Will's hand had been on my ass for the past hour.

"Did we do alright?" He seemed to genuinely care. Now, I can tell you that this was a special thing. Then, I thought he did this with everyone.

"I thought so but I'm no critic."

He quickly shook his head refuting my comment. "Nah, nah. Matt's told me otherwise."

I snorted. An ugly snort. "Really?" I don't have the belief others talk about me when I'm not there. I'm some ghost in their mind.

"Yeah, yeah," he sounded like he was pacifying me. "He says you're a writer."

I shrugged. I didn't consider myself to be much of anything. "Just studying it. It's not like I've got anything published."

"Nah, nah." That was his most popular word. Some double-jointed phrase he said so much but had no clue that he did. "I don't believe all that. If you write then you're a writer."

"Everyone writes." I reasoned.

He didn't verbalize it this time. Just shook his head. "Not everyone."

"Are you a writer?" I was distancing myself without moving an inch. I looked away from him and went down to my cigarette. It seemed Alex had gotten a hold of me without ever holding a conversation with me before. I felt as though he must know all my deepest fears and insecurities like he was a psychic or something. That scared me more than anything. At the time, it was more violating to me than an unwanted grab on the ass.

He shrugged to answer me and returned to his smoke. I didn't let him off easily, I thought I had control now. "Would you say you're a musician just because you play music? Plenty of people do that."

I thought I would sway him off. Alex was a little lamb and I was about to bite his head off. Until, as always, he saw right through it. "You're trying to tease me, Jane, I can tell."

I scuffed and rolled my eyes. I stared at my shoes and in a nervous fit swung my left leg back and forth. "Deflecting."

"I suppose so," he conceded, "but so are you."

At that time I was a debater in all aspects of life. I liked the thrill of arguing. I suppose that's why I went back and forth between fucking and hating Will so much. Or I was just 17. They are much of the same.

"So," he interrupted the silence we were enduring together, "how was the show?"

I smiled softly. I wanted to be endearing to him. Fool him into thinking I was this sweet little girl and then trample him. "I'm very opinionated. You wouldn't want to know."

He chuckled and leaned away from me, up against the brick wall. Most guys I had known before—most 17-year-old guys I had known before—took my girlish smile and batting of my eyelashes as an invitation to try and mess about with me. Alex took it for what it was. A facade.

"I like the opinionated girls," Alex told me, "Means they have something going about in their head."

I gasped. "Most girls have a bunch more going about in their heads than boys."

He nodded. "I'm sure that's true." He took a puff and said, "Most people I can't see playing pinball with their own mind."

I crossed my arms and thought I was one-upping him when I said, "I'm more a solitaire kind of girl."

Alex chuckled, threw down his cigarette, and scuffed it out. "How lonely."

I was utterly exposed. In shock, I said, "What?" He shrugged, unsure of what to say. "I'm not lonely."

He shook his head. "I never said you were."

I rapidly nodded mine and needed to throw off any sign that he was right. That in some 5-minute chat outside a pub, he somehow knew everything about me. "Yes, you did."

"I just meant..." he trails, tossing around what to say in his own head. (Now I could realize he knew me so well because he knew his own mind so well.) "The mind is a lonely place to be."

I shook my head. I was sure of this. "You're just not being imaginative enough."

"I suppose not." He agreed. He stood up straight from the wall. Put one hand in his jeans pocket. Then, the other. "But I'm not a writer."

He headed off back into the pub and I stood outside thinking more than smoking my cigarette. I decided to myself I could think about what he said there in those minutes I had only outside and then I would never think about it again. I wouldn't lie awake that night and give thoughts to a boy who once vomited in the middle of a game of Spin the Bottle. One who spent most of our drunk nights, chatting about with one girl, and then not even going home with her. Then, I thought I must have been the girl tonight. I felt sorry for all the girls before that had to deal with him. I thought about yelling at him. Then, I thought about fucking him. Then, I just felt sorry for myself.

I didn't finish my cigarette and went back inside. I'm not sure what point I was trying to prove to Alex. I guess that I wasn't lonely, but, like everything, he was right about that too. Will grabbing my ass didn't disprove that.

I made eyes at him for most of the night. Challenging him. He was too busy talking to someone else. There always seemed to be someone else. Will was grabbing my ass and chatting a girl up at the same time. I began to question why I endured all this.

I excused myself to the bathroom but went to the bar where Alex was trying and failing to order a drink. "You have to be more assertive."

He smiled cheekily at me. I placed my back up against the bar and leaned my elbows on the edge. I was a character in a movie. A femme fatale. "I'm too quiet for that," Alex says.

I nodded. "You seem it."

"I guess I have that reputation." He acknowledged.

"Among other things." I was flirting but I couldn't tell if he was falling for it. He intrigued every corner of me. I couldn't tell if he was shy, not interested, or just oblivious.

He tried to flag down the bartender again. Failure. I faced the bar, lifted my hand, and received attention immediately. I experienced some perks as a woman. "What do you want?"

Alex didn't say anything for a moment. He laughed. He shook his head. "Whatever you've been having."

He made me laugh. "Two lime margaritas." I ordered and the bartender got to work.

"Is that a skill?" He asked me. "Like hailing a cab."

I shrugged. "I've never had to work at it. Some of us are naturally gifted, Turner."

He raised his eyebrows. "How'd you learn my last name?"

I smirked at him. "I don't have some glamorous spy story. Matt talks about you guys all the time. You've known each other for a long time."

"Yeah," he nods, "over a decade now."

"We're getting old now," I told him.

"I think you have some time until you have to worry about that, Jane." He said to me.

I disagreed. "You're old when you realize you're actually living a life."

"So, when you're 6?" He joked.

We both received our margaritas. I ran my fingertips around the rim of the glass. "Percisely, Turner."

"You're an awful cynic." He told me.

I returned to my old position of leaning on my elbows against the bar. Margarita in my left hand this time. I ignored his comment and said, "You fascinate me, Alexander."

He exhaled loudly. "I'm not very interesting."

I bite down on the lime I had been given. "That's exactly why."

Alex laughed. "You're not being very nice to me, Jane."

I giggled. "That's not what I meant. I like people who aren't full of themselves."

"Then, why do you hang out with Will so much?" He questioned.

I sighed, leaned my head back, and placed the back of my hand on my head in a form of dramatics. "I have no clue." It made him laugh and that made me laugh. When we both quieted down, I leaned closer to Alex. "But I'm here with you and Will is over there. You're very interesting, you just don't know it. I can't wait to see when you realize that."

"You sound like a psychic, Jane." He looked so dreamy there and for a moment I think I was looking into a crystal ball. Futures where we were side-by-side like this, smiling at one another, making eyes at one another, saying unwritten truths to each other in whispers. I felt he already knew all my secrets, he was letting me in on them and was interested in looking into my eyes with those chocolate pools of his. It was probably then that I knew I wanted to love him.

"I hope so." I smiled at him and he smiled at me and that was that. "You're very pretty, Turner. Has anyone ever told you that?"

He chuckled softly and boyishly. "My mum maybe."

I laughed too, soft, and boy, I could get used to this. I traced my own nose as I said, "You have this angle to your nose." I grinned wide and pearly, just admiring him. I pointed left and right to my eyes as I said, "Puppy dog eyes." He was a fan of that one, he smiled but tried to hide it. I pointed to the middle of my forehead as I said, "Strong widow's peak. Those are genetic, you know?"

"Yeah, we've got a couple of widow's peaks in my family." He told me.

"See." I kept my smile on. I pointed to my lips. "You always look like you're trying to find something to say. Rolling it back and forth and tasting it before you spit it out."

He smiled at me all lovely. "You've got a way with words, Jane. You should write that somewhere."

"Write about you?" I fanned disgusted. "Never."

I wrote about him in my diary that night. He became a main character in every story I told. He wormed his way like a true bookworm. He poked holes in all my stories and forced himself into them. I'm writing about him here.

Maybe he was the psychic.

*

In the nook of summer, I spent a month in the Bahamas with my family where the main food source was drinks and my father let me sit in on his poker games for the first time. When I returned, tanned and lush, in July, Joanie turned 18, the first of our group of friends. To my surprise, Joanie and Matt were still together. I never doubted the affection they had for each other but our group of friends went through relationships like my mother did with her liquor.

Two days after I'd returned to Wakefield, she threw a birthday party at Will's house because Will had the luxury of being an only child with parents who were always going on these couple retreats that we all thought were code for sex trips to Vietnam. 

In my typical fashion, I arrived an hour late with a dumb present and a dress that was too short. Mini-dresses were my religion at that age (maybe still are). I felt cute and exotic with a glowing complexion compared to the pale Brits. I had my hair in loose braids with bows tied to their ends and had stolen my mother's diamond earrings. I suffered from a deep superiority complexion and didn't care much that it was Joanie's birthday. I had turned it into my homecoming party.

"Janie Cavendish! Is that you?" Joanie exclaims too perky for my liking. Being called Janie made me want to barf. "We all thought your plane went down in the Pacific!"

"Atlantic," I corrected. Joanie likely eliminated some brain cells with the amount she had drunk before I'd arrived.

"Oh, oops! Come, come, sit!" She grabbed my hand and dragged me over to Will's mother's ugly Boca Do Lobo wrap-around couch likely already ruined by drink spills. I had noted the flimsiness Will cared for expensive things. For the first time, it revolted me.

The room was on fire with excitement, alcohol, drugs, and sex, but over on the filthy couch was just Rosie, who was nestled into Will, a development I wasn't aware of and hurt my heart more than I wanted to ever admit. AB appeared from out of thin air and yelled, "JC's here!" He then crashed into me with a hug and I never understood how he survived these parties sober but he refused a drink and offered you a ride home. He probably saved all of our lives.

On the other end of the couch's prongs was Paul, who I had definitely slept with and not remembered, and his girlfriend, Cecilia, who he had definitely been with when I had slept with. Not that I felt any guilty over it back then. My parents did it, why should it matter if I did it? It was Paul's problem, not mine.

Next to Cecilia was Jamie Cook doing something weird with his tongue, stretching his mouth with his dirty fingers, sticking his tongue out, and trying to touch his tongue to his nose. It both impressed me and disgusted me and if I had a drink I'd probably spit it out in laughter at the sight of it.

Matt was egging him on saying he was so close when his tongue was a mile away from his nose. Joanie left her place beside me and dove into Matt's arms, all drunk, flirty, and cutesy. She tapped his nose like he was her prized poodle.

Right at the end was Alex. Roughed up in some scruffy red tee and jeans that had a hole in it that his mum patched up and there was writing down the sides of them. He was talking to some girl and something bubbled in me that I couldn't explain away. I was offended his eyes didn't stare at me from the moment I walked in. To me, he was some lost pup who would follow me wherever I went. It wasn't true, I was the pup begging for attention. I found it ridiculous he wouldn't be all over me. I needed that to feel I had accomplished something. 

When AB left, I was on the other section of the couch, facing him, staring at him to convey some spell: look, look here, notice me, notice me! Alex only grew closer to the other girl and I must have missed something in the month I was gone. It felt like an atmosphere shift had occurred and I didn't feel pretty because Alex wasn't staring at me and Will was feeling up some other girl.

Drink.

It was the clearest solution for occupation purposes but Joanie's high-pitched voice irritated me and Rosie's tits nearly spilling out over Will made me feel the need to vomit. I ran into Claire, who hugged me, gave me her drink, and made me take Molly with her before leaving with her now-on-again boyfriend, Ollie. 

Claire's drink tasted like cherries and she could work as a bartender if I wasn't convinced she'd drink all the liquor at the bar. I poured vodka into the drink and returned to the couch where not much had changed except that someone else was sitting in my seat now.

"You're in my seat," I told the man. He was older, a few pounds overweight, and suffering from a massive neckbeard.

He scoffed, "It were empty when I got here."

I smiled and bowed my head, "Yeah, I went to get a drink but now I'm back."

He waved me off. "Ya got up."

"Yeah, I know, but I'm back now. Joanie's one of my best friends and it's her birthday party."

He laughed. "What are we at a 5-year-old's birthday party?"

I furrowed my brows. "What are you 40 hanging with teenagers?"

Rage covered his face and I'm certain his neckbeard moved like it itself was going to attack me. "Fuck off."

I grew pleasure inside me for the first time that night. If I couldn't make someone fall at my feet, at least I could knock someone down. "Give me my seat back. You could probably use the movement."

"Fuck. Off." He enunciated. 

"Give me my seat back."

"Fuck off!"

"Give me my seat back!"

"Fuck off!"

"Just give me the fucking seat back!"

"Fuck off!"

"Give me the fucking seat!"

"No, now fuck off!"

"No, give me the fucking seat!"

I didn't really even want the seat. I just got a kick out of the vein popping out of his forehead and the way a girl could make him sweat bullets of rage over the end piece of an offensive-looking couch.

But then he stood up, 6 feet 6 inches, and 15 stones of him towered over me. I felt small again like he was going to snap me in two. But my seat was empty! I twisted around him and sat down in my seat.

"Get up!" He yelled.

"No, fuck off!" I yelled back.

"Get the fuck up, bitch!"

I supposed we were both too focused on the other to notice that the party's population had turned toward our display. Everyone was either engaged or snickering at the display.

"It's my seat," I said calmly.

He didn't respond verbally, instead, he picked me up. I heard Joanie scream, "Matty, help her!"

I laughed. I didn't find the whole ordeal funny, I just wanted everyone else to feel I found it funny. My bones hurt, I was riddled with goosebumps and had my underwear exposed for everyone to see.

Joanie would later comfort me and tell me it wasn't a big deal because "everyone has seen you in your underwear already pretty much, I mean, you know, cuz you've slept with everyone." It didn't comfort me much to be called a slut in Joanie language.

Matt tried his best to rescue me but he was scrawny and this guy looked like Andre the Giant. Eventually, the commotion of the party and the embarrassment got to the guy and he dropped me to the floor where I fell onto my ass. My hair was falling out of my braids and my dress was twisted up. 

Matt helped me to my feet and to distract myself from the pain of falling straight onto my ass, I laughed into his shoulder. The ecstasy helped too.

"Are you okay?" He asked me.

Before I got an answer out Joanie rushed over and hugged me tight, highly increasing the already likely chance I'd be bruised tomorrow. "Oh, my god, Janie!" A shiver went down my spine at the word. "You're going to be okay. Get that guy out of my party!" She acted like she was the Queen of Hearts ordering for him to be executed. Andre the Giant had already left. I think she just wanted to feel like she helped in some way.

"Yeah." I felt like crying but I turned to where the crowd had gathered and curtsied to them. "That's all folks!"

Once people got the okay, they were quick to go back to their conversations, now discussing what had unfolded. Music played up again and the world kept spinning.

Alex sat alone in his place on the couch. No girl, no chatting, no smile. When I looked at him, he looked at me. It didn't make me feel any better. I had wished for it the whole night and I finally got it and it was a look of pity.

"Do you need anything?" Matt asked me.

I looked at him and shook my head. Joanie pulled him back to their reserved seat.

Alex stood up and walked to me and I felt nervous. If some psychoanalyzing was to begin, I think I'd cry in front of the whole party. He lightly grabbed my elbow. I looked into his eyes, deciphering slowly what he must think of me. I was scared of every move he'd make. I wanted him to like me. I wanted to be the cool girl. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to cry. "Do you want to go for a smoke with me?"

One of his hands tugged on my heartstrings, the other pushed me through the crowd by the small of my back. It was the most forward he had ever been but any intentions he had were unknown to me. 

Outside, he placed distance between us. Away from the large portion of the masses, we walked side-by-side. I followed him. He led the way. The stragglers that messed about the lawn must have annoyed him as he walked until he was away from the whole scene. In other instances of my life, I'd think the guy wanted a moment alone with me for a snog or shag. I thought Alex didn't want to be seen with me.

"We can sit if you want." He was polite in his voice and he gestured slowly to the bench in the house's decadent garden.

I sat first on one side and he sat on the other. He pulled his pack out and tossed me the lighter. He stuck one in his mouth, then handed me the pack. I felt like one of the boys and it made me laugh for some reason. I plucked one out like a lady, like my mother would. I lit my cigarette and when I went to light his, he took it out of my hand and did it himself. I felt stiff and awkward and that I must have grown a seventh head when I was in The Bahamas.

"You went to The Bahamas. Joanie said." He was taking slow drags of his cigarette and I was taking slow drags of him.

"Yeah." Maybe I was being evasive for enigmatic purposes. Maybe I was uncomfortable. I can't quite remember.

"How was it?"

I thought about lying. But I didn't see the purpose anymore. "Boring."

He chuckled light-heartedly. Everything is light-hearted. "Why?"

"I just sat on the beach all day. Maybe if I went with friends." I shrugged and pulled my legs up behind me on the bench.

"I'd like to travel," Alex told me.

"Where?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. I'd like to do it more though. Like when I'm older, you know, that kind of thing."

I laid my head on my arms on the bench's backing. Ash collected on the end of my cigarette but I ignored it and looked at Alex. "We could go somewhere together."

"Really? Where do you wanna go?" His head was leaning against his hand. I felt we mirrored each other in some way that if I dug deeper then I would've known why.

"Away. Doesn't have to be far but I don't feel like myself here." I slipped. All those things I spent days pushing down, fell out mid-conversation with no remorse. I didn't care because I knew Alex wouldn't blab. He already knew everything about me. I wasn't revealing anything by saying this.

He didn't talk for a while. He sat with what I had said. Then he told me, "I don't think anyone feels like themselves at this age."

"Do you?"

He sat with that too. Then said, "I'm trying to."

I sat up straight. "I have an idea." Alex smiled at me and I felt wind sweep through me. "Why don't you act like your true self and I'll act like mine."

"I don't think I can do that."

He knocked something in me. "Why?"

He hid himself. He looked down at the slits in the bench. He bounced his foot. He tossed some idea in his head. Then, it spilled. "You make me nervous."

I was shocked by this. I found him intimidating. I got a boost in myself knowing he found me an equal representation. "Why's that?"

"I'm not good at telling people to fuck off."

I vowed, "I'll do it for you."

It wasn't a hit to him; a woman defending him. In fact, I think he got a kick out of it.

"Did you get into fights in The Bahamas?"

"Only with my family." 

"Do you get along?" He shifted forward like he had some actual interest in me. It was conflicting with every other interest I'd attracted from a man. It was a perked-up ear instead of a perked-up dick.

I shook my head. "No, not really. We kind of...I don't know. Things have never been great with my parents but getting older I've drifted more away. My siblings are a wild card."

"How many you have?"

"2 sisters, one older, one younger, and an older brother. I've never been close to the two older ones but Stacey, my younger sister's 11 so other than being annoying we get on well. You're an only child?"

His eyebrows raised, his eyes widened, and he looked as if I was some private detective. "You snoop me out, Jane?"

I took a drag of my cigarette and tried my best to look abject. "You act like an only child."

He looked affronted and on guard but had a toothy smile. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"All I'm saying is you never act like you had someone yelling over you at the dinner table. Only children fall into two categories: selfish or selfless. I'm assuming by your interest in me you must be pretty selfless."

Alex tilted his head from side to side. "I don't think so." 

I shook my head. 

"Eh! Why you doing that?" He chuckled.

I laughed at him. We were laughing together. "Take the compliment. My mother always says to say thank you for a compliment even if it's not true."

"Well, thank you and it's not true." 

Alex puffed away as I looked out into the garden. The gardener cut the bushes this morning and the flowers had reached their full bloom. I didn't move a muscle but I moved my eyes to look at him. He was small in both figure and persona. He didn't burst away. He sat quietly on the bench, smoked his cigarette, and looked at me. I was looking at flowers and he was looking at me. 

"I think it's true."

When our cigarettes had finished, we didn't go inside. Neither of us made a move and I decided that he must either like spending time with me or hate the party. We didn't talk after my comment and I didn't know what to say. I thought about teasing him. I thought about flirting with him. I thought about kissing him. 

Then, I decided to walk around the garden. He didn't move, he stayed nestled on the bench and watched me skim my hands along each petal. 

"They have tomatoes here!" I gasped.

Red, plump, and hanging heavily off the vine begging for plucking. Alex came up behind me looking at the lush beings. "I don't like tomatoes very much." He told me like it was some hushed secret, pinky promising not to tell a soul.

I gasped again. "How can you not love tomatoes?" I pulled one off the vine and took a bite of it. Nobody else seemed to be enjoying them due to the unruly way they grew and the surplus of numbers.

Alex, however, seemed to think I stole from a poor family living off the street, ignoring the mansion in the backdrop. "You eat it like an apple?"

I had tomato juice running down my cheeks and while I looked particularly gross, he didn't say anything. "I like them."

"You do indeed."

We walked around the garden, cluttered and looking like no one partook in its pleasures other than the man being paid to tidy it. The stone path led out of the garden into the large backyard, fit with trees and a birdbath. 

Alex walked with his hands in his pockets and I walked with mine holding each other behind my back, tomato in my left hand. "What have you done this summer?"

"Oh." He was shocked the conversation had turned to him. Do I really talk about myself that much? "Me and the band played around a little. Went to a few shows 'round here. Wasn't too big."

I almost didn't ask him but an unknown being tugged at me to ask, "Who was the girl you were talking to before? I recognized her." I had never seen that girl before in my life.

"Uh, Lauren? I went to Stocksbridge with her," Alex told me. "Joanie knew her somehow."

"Joanie knows everyone."

We were walking in circles now, rounding the house, but I didn't want to go back inside. I wanted our secret garden. "What'd you take from Claire?" He was watching me. He was watching me. He was watching me!

I giggled. "The Molly?" 

"You do that?"

I nodded.

"I've never done anything like that. You know, other than drinking."

We took a few more paces, rounding ourselves to the front of the house. "Do you want to?"

He shook his head. I felt embarrassed and ashamed like a mother had caught my nefarious habits. "You go clubbing a lot, right?"

I shrugged. I usually boasted about my nights out like it was a badge of honor for me. I felt he ripped the badge off. 

"Live music at those things?" Alex asked.

"Some," I answered.

"You think you'd be able to—I don't suppose you could. Maybe." He stuttered.

I giggled feeling at ease again. "Spit it out. I won't judge you. Well, unless you're about to bring up something gross."

Alex looked me in the eye as we stopped on the front lawn. He tapped his foot and dug his hands deeper into his pockets. "I thought maybe you'd be able to get us some gigs."

My lips slowly upturned. "I'd love that. I'll be your bookie."

He laughed. "Don't let power get to your head."

I tossed the tomato to the ground, citing that it was a gift to the rats that lived here and it would decompose just fine. I eyed the door but held no desire to reenter that world. I looked back at Alex, scuffing his trainer into the ground and swallowing whatever idea he wanted to say to me but didn't. I thought to ask but didn't.

"I think I'm gonna go home," I told him.

I got a borderline pathological level of joy when his face showed minor disappointment. He nodded and said, "Okay."

I wanted to prove him wrong. I didn't want to be the girl he talked to all night, and didn't take home, before chatting up some other girl. That's what I told myself but it probably wasn't the whole truth. Then, I realized, he was too nervous to ask me home with him. He was more occupied with his shoes and knew he'd have better luck dissecting my being than attempting to kiss me.  

So, I asked, "Do you want to come with me?" I didn't want to sleep with him, at least not explicitly. My intention was to, in some way, prove him wrong. In another way, the bigger consuming way, I wanted to talk to him more. "I don't live too far from here. We can walk. A girl really shouldn't walk alone at night."

Alex smiled suspiciously but nodded. "Shouldn't we say goodbye first?"

I furrowed my brows. "To a drunk Joanie who is probably too busy making out with Matt to care about either of us?"

He tilted his head. "Fair enough." He was a gentleman first and a teenage boy second.

"I got Joanie a shitty present anyway," I said as we began to walk away from the scene.

"I didn't even get her anything," Alex told me. "What you get her?"

"A snow globe from The Bahamas."

He burst out laughing, throwing his head back in express joy. He was contagious and I fell ill. "Does it even snow in The Bahamas?"

I shook my head through laughter. "I don't think so."

I don't know why he found it so funny that we had to stop walking. He was bent over laughing, holding his knees, and trying to catch his breath. I was laughing, more at him than the dumb snowglobe. I was infatuated. He was entrancing and I suffered from whatever his spell was. He stuffed himself into this laid-back body and busted through it with spoils of laughter. I thought about every joke I could make. I wanted to incite it more, force it out of him, have him tell me how funny I was. How I was the funniest girl he had ever met and he would like to stand by my side until my next joke. If that joke never came, he'd stay standing with me just in case it came.

Alex stood up slowly, exhaling loudly, collecting himself before we began our steps again. His face was red like I felt. On fire of sorts, lit ablaze by some force he beheld in no need of extinguishing. It was sudden and all at once, no stopping it.

When we reached my house, my father was out front in his car, which meant he and my mother were fighting. Often times my father would drive around but his car stayed parked and he was smoking a cigarette out the window. All the lights in the house were turned off, except the living room, which meant my mother was drinking.

My house wasn't unassuming by any means. It dwelled in comparison to Will's but I knew it loomed over most individuals. Sometimes, it loomed over me. 

As we headed up the front steps, my father yelled out to us, "Janie!" Everything was cold here. In this hot spell of summer, my skin turned goosey, and I prayed for a regular conversation with my father for Alex's sake. 

I turned and took two steps toward my father. Alex remained on the first step but watched us. My father gave us a look: a raised eyebrow, a tilted head, a shifting glance. A pit felt in my stomach and I thought he was going to send my Alex away. I had stolen him away from the party, from everyone, from Lauren, and he belonged to me unless my father smashed my plans all up. 

And then he yelled, "Tell your mother she's being a bitch!" 

A pit sank even further in me. My father never cared. I didn't utter a word and my father didn't wish me goodnight as he started the engine and Alex and I ducked into the house. Part of me wanted to do something nefarious with Alex to prove some point to my father. Another part thought I would be giving him too much.

Then Alex smiled at me and I didn't think my father's opinions and choices mattered much. It felt like my choice for something. Not something forced upon me or some vengeful decision.

I whispered to Alex to follow me up the stairs quickly as we dashed up. I didn't want to get hold of my mother who was clanking bottles around in the kitchen. I hoped Stacey was asleep through their whole fight. Likely, she had her ear on the door or worse was forced to witness and choose sides—something my mother made us do during fights. 

Alex and I ducked into my room. He seemed to get a kick out of it. "I feel like James Bond."

I rolled my eyes and flipped my light switch on. My room had acquired an extra messiness since I had yet to unpack from The Bahamas. I was too tired to care and Alex didn't mind. In fact, he seemed to get a kick out of it.

My walls were pink and covered with pictures from unknown drunken nights and childhood memories. Little trinkets I had collected over the years that no one knew the meaning of except me sat around across my room.

Alex picked up a plastic flower I had placed on my desk. He stayed taciturn.

"That's from my first boyfriend." I giggled. It seemed silly to talk about Tim. I felt dumb for keeping such a thing for so long but it was a sweet gesture and I took savouring to a near hurtful level.

He laughed too. "Oh." He put it down gently as if the fake petals would fall off any moment. "Holding on for safekeeping."

I folded my arms and leaned against my desk. "I hold on to everything. Too much."

Alex shook his head. "I don't think I do that enough. I wish I was more sentimental about things."

"Don't be. It's the worst fate you can have. You either become a hoarder or you become one of the people that think having something that reminds you of a person is an excuse not to talk to them."

Alex looked around on my shelves. Examining each item with detail. "Candy wrapper?"

"That's just trash."

We laughed and he moved onto the Madeline doll I had sitting on lopsided on my shelf. Likely last touched years ago. My mother had gotten the doll for me and I didn't want to talk about that. About how my mother or what used to be.

"Do you want to sit?" I gestured to my bed, a foot away from my desk.

He sat down and I didn't move. Our feet intersected but never touched. We were quiet and then Alex asked, "Did you write anything recently?"

I shielded myself and lied with a shake of my head. "I'm not a writer. I told you that."

He smirked. "I don't believe you. Come on." I shook my head and I watched as his eyes traced down to the open notebook on my desk. "What's that?"

"A book."

"What kind of book?"

"Notes from school."

"Why are you looking at notes from school over the summer?"

Before I had time to react, he launched himself toward the desk. I blocked the book with my body. He tried to swing around to try and grip it from the other side. I swayed my hips to prevent him. Soon it turned to a dance and soon Alex tried other efforts by tickling me. "Stop!" I squealed.

"Oh, come on, Jane!"

"No!"

"I'll show you mine if you show me yours." Such a typically salacious comment came off as charming and playful and my room filled with laughter. We reverberated through the house and sliced the silence. My house hadn't been that loud since Stacey was in the throes of the terrible twos. It was a delightful charm that a home should have.

I pushed his hands off of me. "Stop it. Stop it." I giggled uncontrollably. Alex laughed along and rested back on my bed. He leaned back onto his elbows. It oozed coolness and my body was burning alive from the inside out. 

"Eventually?"

"Eventually," I promised. I was too nervous to show anything to my peers. I took it deeply seriously and if somebody—somebody like Alex—told me it wasn't any good then everything would be for nothing. I would be a talentless loser and to show that to Alex, who viewed me in a revered spotlight, meant that I truly had no future. Nothing to escape Wakefield, my parents, or myself.

"What about your writing?" I asked him. I tempted fate and hopefully Alex by moving onto my bed. I lied on my stomach beside him, resting forward on my elbows.

"I don't know. I don't really think I'm any good." He gazed off, examining the room an inch at a time.

I was reminded of an off-handed comment. "Matt says you are."

"He's just being polite, you know." Alex played things off with ease. He never made a show of compliments, even truthful ones. I don't think he believed the good himself. He put on a show of things but never had a deep confidence. Everything was locked within himself too deep for even him to know it.

"I don't think so. He had nothing to gain by telling me," I said.

Alex faced me, eye to eye, closer than we'd ever been. "What did you think of them? Those ones at The Grapes."

He read me. The wheels turning in my mind trying to formulate a response. "Be honest, Jane," Alex urged.

I didn't want to discourage him. I liked some of it. They took you on a journey and fit the music. I sat up on my knees. "Well, they were good."

Alex threw his head back. "There no good, Jane, you can just say it, you know. Don't have to tiptoe 'round the whole thing."

I grabbed his hand, the one closest to me that was lying against my blanket. It was quick and unintentional, like some gut instinct. I held it tight. "No! I like them. You're a storyteller, Alex Turner."

"But?" He smiled at me, taking no offense to my critiques.

I bit my bottom lip to prevent my own wild grin. "But...they need some work. Which! Everything needs. Revising is key to any good written work." I jostled our shared hands unconsciously while speaking. Neither of us noticed. It was an attachment that made sense to be joined together.

"So what should I do? Employ the Hemingway method and write drunk, edit sober?" He joked.

I corrected him, "Hemingway never said that. That's from Reuben, Reuben. But that's beside the point." 

"Reuben, Reuben?" He questioned.

"Yeah, it's a Peter De Vries novel and movie with Tom Conti, but whatever—"

Alex cut me off, "What's it about?"

I scowled at him for interrupting me. "It's about this poet who has writer's block and drinks all day. It's pretty much about Dylan Thomas. Anyways—"

He ignored me again. "Is it any good?" He cocked a smile at me. He knew what he was doing getting me all riled up and irritated at the interruption. 

I pursed my lips at her and dropped his hand to shove him. "Shush!" Alex cackled, pleased by my annoyed attitude, and the way my nose puckered up. I watched as his hand slithered its way back to mine, grabbing hold of it. It was the first time I realized I had been holding his hand. I didn't say anything about it. Maybe he had done it unknowingly and I didn't want him to stop doing it. His palm was soft but held callouses on the edges and he fit just right.

"The whole 'writing drunk, editing sober' idea isn't actually bad," I told him.

Alex raised his eyebrows. "You want me to become Dylan Thomas?"

I giggled softly. "Not that exactly but why don't you go out and write about all the shite that happens 'round Sheffield. You know, like fools picking girls up in the air or Joanie's hideous spray tan."

He chuckled. "I mean, I've kind of done that. Ravey Ravey Ravey Club might be shite—"

I insisted. "I never said that!"

Alex eyed me suspiciously. "It might be shite but isn't that what it's about?"

"It's a try-hard song. You're an observer. I know you're not just sitting in the corner daydreaming. You watch."

A shit-eating grin spread across his face. I thought he had been struck with inspiration. That I'd given him a brilliant idea. One that would launch a thousand ships. Instead, he said, "You watching me, Janie?"

"Ugh!" I groaned. He erupted into laughter. He dropped my hand and fell onto my back beside him.

"Don't be embarrassed. Most writers are observers." I gave him a look translating to knock it off. "What do you see?" Alex asked me.

I tap my chin like I have to think about it. "You're shy and you sit in the corner most nights unless Matt or one of the guys is with you, then you stand next to them like you're their teddy bear or something." His laugh makes me laugh. "If you're in the corner, you're usually with a girl who you'll talk with all night but never kiss or leave with. It's very bizarre."

"Maybe I'm looking to take home the girl who is doing the robot—hey!" I punch his arm and he clutches it in exaggerated pain.

"You're a little too observant," I noted.

Alex explained, "You're very entertaining to watch."

"You make it sound like I'm a stripper."

I turned my head and his head was turned to look at mine. Inches apart, perfectly aligned, his eyes dashed across every inch of my face, while mine never strayed from his eyes. 

"If you want to kiss me, you can," I whispered to him. 

I wanted to kiss him but I wanted him to do it first. I wanted to take my time, not jump him. I wanted to handle him with care because I knew he would be with me and I'd never experienced that before. I only experienced rough and snapping touches. Alex would caress me and take me with ease. He would look for my permission at every step of the way. He would push my hair behind my ear and hold my head so delicately in his hands. He would kiss me slowly and tenderly. His hand would gradually rub my thigh before I told him to take my dress off. I could imagine his eyes widening at my boobs, braless and perky. I would shred my underwear because he'd be too nervous while he would take his shirt off. I wouldn't be rushed, it would be thought-out and delicate. For the first time in my life, it would be me who was cared for. He would tend to me, ask me what I wanted, and then do it. Do it perfectly. I would offer to do the same to him and he'd shake his head and say some other time. He would lie over me but it would be me in control. I'd call the shots and he'd accept them, he'd want to do them. He'd be slow until I told him to pick up the pace. We would end together and then he'd hold me. He'd hold me. In a loose manner that didn't strangle me. I would smile over at him and he would smile over at me. It would be the best thing I'd ever experienced.

"I don't want to do that with you, Jane." I hated him. He wrecked all my dreams and I realized he must be just as bad as every other guy. Will might have grabbed my ass too many times and collapsed over me dripping sweat before I even got started but Alex emotionally assaulted me. I never expected Will to care about me but Alex sat here and acted like he did. He got off on this. Getting girls' hopes up. I wonder if Lauren thought he was going home with her tonight. If she had planned an evening of fun after he laughed at her jokes and told her she was talented. He made me feel special but I was only a special dumb girl who revealed myself to him in vulnerable ways. He must laugh at this at home and cum in his pants at the thought of me crying when he leaves. It would be the worst thing I'd ever experienced.

I sat up quickly. I didn't look at him. My heart felt heavy and my eyes begged for me to let them blink but crying in front of him would be worse and giving him some sort of power. 

I heard Alex rustle behind me. I thought he was about to touch my shoulder, pretend to comfort me, and say he had to leave. I snapped around to look at him, propped up on his elbows again, looking confused. He should be some actor, not a damn singer.

"Are you gay?" I asked. I knew he wasn't. I wanted to shame him in some way. Like he wasn't some suave guy. He was some repressed homosexual.

He let out a snort. "What?" He played clueless perfectly.

It wasn't some playful anger I felt now. It was rage. Rage at him and the games men play and whatever this stupid act was. I thought about yelling at him but I think he wanted me to do that. I felt he loved that kind of thing. Extra ammo. 

I turned back around and the room fell silent. It was everything else that happened in this haunted house. It sucked every drop of joy out of everything.

"I shouldn't get involved with my bookie, you know." Alex laughed awkwardly. The way it came out, forced and choppy, cracked away at something in me. That hidden crevice in me that not everyone was out to get me.

"Yeah." I sighed and mustered something up in me to look at him. "Do I get paid for this bookie thing?"

"Well, I mean, the band isn't exactly making much money. Not really any."

"You can pay me in drinks." 

He grinned. "Sure."

I stuck my hand out for him to shake, completing the interview process. I sniffled and it was the worst thing I could have done because Alex's face flashed pain at the realization that I was hurt by him. I could've taken it as him not having ulterior motives but I chose not to. 

He shook my hand and I walked him out. I gave him my number and he gave me his but everything was done under the guise of business. I told him to get home okay but I didn't watch him walk away. I just went back inside and went to sleep.

*

A week and a half later, Alex and I set out to get the band gigs. I invited Claire to come with us, too terrified to be alone with Alex since my self-inflicted embarrassment. My reasoning—which was in part valid—being that Claire knew Sheffield way better than I did. Alex had a set of knowledge and a list of places he thought of, but he had the voice of a mouse and no boobs. 

Claire and I walked hip-to-hip, arms hugged around each other, and Alex trailed beside us. He was an excluded child not allowed in our sandbox. I felt awkward. Alex looked awkward. Claire didn't really give a shit. She's just had to pee.

"Ooh!" Claire cheered. "Let's stop in The Boardwalk. I can pee and then we'll ask them for a gig or whatever. I know that bar guy. Joshua. Jane knows who I'm talking about." She was talking a mile a minute and definitely on something.

The moment we stepped foot in the bar, Claire ditched for the bathroom. Alex and I were left alone. I hated myself for making it awkward, a thing I seem to still have a commitment to doing.

"Do you want to sit?" Alex offered a barstool.

We sat beside one another and I placed my bag on the one beside me to save for Claire. I couldn't think of a single thing to say to him. It felt more practical to sit in silence. Take in the ambiance of the bar. Everything felt caught in my throat, or rather, caught in my head as I couldn't think of a single thing. I resigned to not make eye contact with him. He resigned to do the exact opposite.

"Why'd you bring Claire?" Alex asked me.

"She knows Sheffield better."

He scoffed. "I know Sheffield. I didn't ask Claire. I asked you."

"I'm still here." That's not what he meant and I knew it but denial is the key genetic trait subjected to every Cavendish. 

My eyes looked down at the floor. It felt uneasy and ill-fitting but, to me, it was better than looking at his eyes. Alex tilted his head down, trying to look at me. "Is this summat to do with the kiss thing?"

I answered with a "very" convincing performance of "I don't give a shit" by saying, "Pft, no way. Don't flatter yourself." It was mean and said with bitterness but I was too down on myself to be nice.

When I looked at him, his eyes were cold and uninviting, he turned away and looked at Claire as she came skipping back over. My insides twisted in on themselves at the way he smiled at her and it felt ruthless. I reminded myself that he turned me down so if he went for some other girl, I never stood much of a chance. But if he went out with Claire I'd probably kill myself.

"Right, shall we give it a try?" Claire asked us. We both silently nodded. Claire stuck her hand in between Alex and me and tapped insistently on the bar. "Excuse me!"

A man came over, dragging his feet, and it felt obvious that we were a bunch of underaged kids. But he responded, "Yes?"

"Is Joshua here?" Claire asked.

The man began to snicker. "Joshua got canned because he was giving liquor to a bunch of underage girls."

Claire's smile dropped. She attempted to recover steadily but her reaction told her story for her, despite what she proceeded to lie about. "That's unfortunate." She sounded just like her mother. "Well, we'd like to speak to someone about getting a gig here."

The man shook his head. "No can do if you're minors, I'd like to keep my job."

Claire giggled. "I'm smitten"—Alex and I both shared a look with one another and chuckled at the word usage, softening our cold war—"that you'd think I was so young. You're very kind."

"Nice try. I let you use the bathroom but you're not getting much further." 

Claire rolled her eyes. "It's just a gig."

The man fought back. "I've got nappies to buy. Shoo."

"Don't shoo me!" Claire was growing feisty and that meant a business that no one wanted to witness. She was pounding and loud and usually not forgiven.

I grabbed a hold of her arm and dragged her back. "We'll leave," I told the man.

When we exited, The Boardwalk, Claire sighed loudly. "Sorry. That fucking idiot Joshua probably fed some 12-year-old. I've had no issues before!"

I laughed at her dramatics. "It's fine, Claire."

She sighed again. "I hate to leave you guys but Reg called while I was in the bathroom and I forgot I had a shift at work."

I panicked. "So, you have to leave?" My eyes were wide and I was not winning any awards for my acting. I was rigid and displayed raised eyebrows.

Claire frowned. "Sorry and since I'm not getting paid for this I can't quit my day job. I'll call you tomorrow, J." She hugged me tight and waved at Alex. "See ya, Al."

Alex waved back and Claire dashed down Bank Street. We were left alone and I debated turning away from him but I had agreed to give him a ride home. "Sorry," I mumbled to him.

He shrugged. "I assume we're done then."

I digested a pit into my stomach and there wasn't much I could do. I didn't want to hang around him but I felt I let him down more by coming up empty-handed. I nodded and he set off toward the car.

I walked three steps behind him. I didn't bother to catch up. There wasn't much point since I didn't know what to say to him. He didn't turn back to check if I was still behind him. The clicking of my shoes was enough of any indicator. 

About a block away, he stopped. I slowed my walking until I was beside him. "What's wrong?" I asked. He was frozen, with no motion, and I worried for him.

Alex hesitantly turned his head to look at me. "You are a terrible bookie." I laughed and then kept walking.

He cracked through our tension and left me standing on the corner of Queen Street. I chased him down while wracked with giggles. When I caught up to him, I told him, "A bookie is someone who takes bets for sports. I think you wanted a booker and I got confused."

Alex grinned and reached the passenger side. We got on much better on the way back to his house than on the ride down the City Centre.

When we reached his house, I apologized for the bad job I'd done. He shook his head. "It's fine. We probably need more time to practice anyway."

"I'll get you a gig. I swear. I'd never pass up free drinks."

Alex laughed and thanked me anyway. He waved goodbye to me as he unlocked his front door. I pulled away about 5 minutes into my drive I realized I had gone the wrong way. I was headed south toward the City Centre. I decided my misdirection was giving me a sign and I drove back to The Boardwalk.

I snuck in and the same man was at the bar. Trying my luck and hoping he didn't notice me behind Claire, I approached him. "Is there someone I can talk to about booking a gig?"

His eyes peered up and his look wasn't welcoming. "Determined."

I smiled because charm was going to be the only way this worked out. "I've got a job."

He raised his eyebrow. "This band has minors. I don't think the boss is gonna like that."

"What if I could promise you a crowd?" I asked him.

"A crowd of minors?"

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "No." There totally would be but ask for forgiveness, not permission. "A promise of a crowd of legal paying customers and that no minors will be drinking. Swear."

He hesitated. His eyes moved up and down my body, before he said, "I'll ask."

I smiled pleased but demanded, "Now." I was rarely authoritative, especially around strangers, but I felt that I had to do this. I couldn't imagine disappointing Alex. I had a job to do.

He smirked. "Fine. If you'll come out with me tomorrow."

It was probably some form of prostitution but I didn't care much about my body. It was a tool for me and if I had to use it to get ahead in this, then so be it. I had little regard for myself. I convinced myself that I somehow had the power in these situations.

Later that night, I knocked on Alex's house. When his mother answered, I felt nervous like meeting my boyfriend's mother for the first time. She smiled and when I asked for Alex she called out for him with the promise there was a pretty girl at the door for him.

He came to the door the same as I dropped him off. His eyebrows furrowed. "You okay? Your car okay?"

I couldn't hide the grin on my face. It was unstoppable, wide, cheek-aching. I almost jumped up and down in front of him. "You have a gig at The Boardwalk on August 14."

Frank and I went out the following night. It was nice enough for us to start dating in a sloppy manner. I got free drinks, too, even if I was still 17.

*

On the night of August 14, I sat at the bar while Frank tended it. With the promise of action at the night's end, he fed me as many drinks as I ordered, no payment required. Besides the blowjobs, I suppose. My opinion on the Monkeys didn't shift much when they took to the stage. Their setlist was similar to their night at The Grapes, besides a new cover. 

My job as booker was done and I was more focused on my glass and Frank's hands. Joanie was attentive enough for both of us. She stood at the stage's edge and jumped around. I upheld my promise of a crowd, even if most of them weren't focused much on the music and definitely not minors. 

When their set had come to an end, they came around to the bar about 20 minutes later. Still sweaty and hair hand-run-through. Matt was the first one to appear, saying, "I knew we could trust J.R. Cavendish."

I scrunched up my brows. "How do you know about my middle name?"

"How you think?" His head gestured to Joanie, still dancing around. "I think we should keep you on."

Frank came behind me. He was no longer behind the bar and his arms around me made me jump. "Well, I certainly had fun, but that was more from Jane though you lads."

My body was rigid. I wasn't a fan of this affectionate public display. I wasn't a fan of doing it in front of any of the Monkeys, but Alex's eyes darting around in confusion made me feel even more stiff in both body and mind. 

I tapped Frank's arm. His hold only tightened. "You can thank Frank for the gig," I told them.

"Oh, Joanie told me 'bout this. New boyfriend," Matt teased me. Alex had snapped over to Matt and the instant pleasure—the endorphins that flooded my system—was the biggest high I had ever experienced.

Frank relinquished his hold on me and took two steps back. "Well, I don't know anything about that." He snickered and my high crashed. "Don't get any ideas, Jane."

I didn't care for Frank ever. I was never in love with him. I, like him, was just getting my fill of things. But the way he snickered, it wrapped around me and constricted me. I was numb to this. I had been numb to this for so long. Even if I was mad at Alex, or embarrassed, he never made me feel insignificant. I felt interesting and important, even if he confused me more than anything I'd ever encountered. 

The Franks and the Wills of the world had tortured me for extensive periods that didn't feel significant. It didn't feel significant when the first one of them treated me this way because I was my mother. Simple as that.

It felt significant to share a thought and that thought be appreciated.

"Don't worry, I don't like slumming," I told Frank. I grabbed my purse and left, too drunk to drive, too early to go home, too filled with remorse and anger to ask for help.

I walked two blocks, no tears because Frank didn't deserve tears, I deserve tears. I deserved a weeping apology from every fucking loser guy who had come near me. I didn't know what to do with the hole growing in my stomach. The black hole that was coming for my heart. I was once a sensitive child. I'm a sentimental being. So, why did every relationship mean nothing? Why was I hoarding fake roses from Tim Hoardecker for nearly a decade but never cared for real flowers from all those stupid boyfriends? How much of a loser was I that my best relationship was one that lasted a week at summer camp when I was 10?

*

School began and I shielded myself from much of my former world. I hadn't heard from Joanie since The Boardwalk. I didn't care much. Rosie was with Will and Joanie was with Matt, secluded away, so I ate lunch with Claire and AB. They were the sanest anyway. I had known Claire since primary school, much like Joanie, but we'd never been close like Joanie and I were. Claire and I only grew in our bond in college while Joanie's and I's bond diminished.

Claire was the closest thing to a model I had ever witnessed with my own eyes, despite what my mother insisted about her past lives as an "actress," "model," and beauty queen (the only one that had been confirmed due to the tiara she displayed on the mantle). She was kissed by the Sun, blonde, and what I imagine every Viking in the village fought over for a chance to look at her.

AB was brunette and always looked like he had been in a fight, even though he couldn't kill a fly. He was the sweetest guy I'd ever known and girls prayed at night that they could marry him. I hoped, after all the jerks I'd end up with a guy like AB. I never attempted anything with AB because I was an immature rascal who was at least smart enough to not ruin a guy like that.

I heard through AB that the Monkeys had a concert at The Pheasant. None of us went. Sheffield was too far for any of us to drive and AB was sick of hanging out with a bunch of drunks. Claire and I had a sleepover instead, which I can confirm was much better because her mom's cooking is made by angels.

But after intentionally avoiding Alex for a month, I ran into him on campus grounds one day. On a walk between class and the parking lot, he snuck up behind me in a way usually reserved for kidnappers and murderers. "Hey, Jane C."

I, obviously terrified, shrieked and nearly tripped over my feet over each other. He rested his hands on my shoulders to steady me. I hit him with my textbook, a brick and loaded nonsense. "Alex Turner, you don't sneak up on women."

I kept walking and he kept in step with me. "I haven't seen you in a while. You quittin' on me?" Something had changed about him. His appearance was much of the same, except he was bundled up in a cheap tracky jacket. We contrasted each other in too many ways, I thought. I was a snob but not in an extreme fashion. The only thing I turned my nose up at was clothes. My coat was wool and lined with buttons. I hadn't worn a jacket with a zipper on it since the one week my mum allowed me to play football. I was charmed by it. It wasn't in some rich girl pity kind of way. Plenty of rich losers wore tracksuits, including my mother, but they weren't as cute as a button in them. 

"I wasn't aware I was still on retainer. Not like you need my help much anyway. I heard about The Pheasant gig."

Alex chuckled. "Yeah, that nobody came to. We played The Boardwalk again too. Not so much fun when there's nobody there."

"Well, I'm sure your luck will change." We'd reached my car and I wasn't trying to force him away but I was eager to get home and the wind chill was some of the harshest I've experienced.

"I wanted to talk to you about that." I had to resist an eye roll because I was making it a goal of mine not to be off-putting to people when they were being nice. It was going okay.

I looked up at him. He was on the opposite side of the car. Almost like he knew I was going to invite him into my car. I raised an eyebrow, silently urging him to explain. Instead, he slid a notebook across the roof of my car. 

I grabbed it before it flew to the ground. He had bookmarked a page. "Don't be snoopy and read other shite that's in there."

I furrowed my brows, looking at the scratches across the page. I was unsure what to make of it. The writings looked more like his notes for psychology than "It's a song," as he said.

I held my thumb down on the page and squinted as the wind rattled the pages. It became impossible to read and I looked up at the anxiety written on his face. I was pretty good at reading him too. 

We escaped the wind in my car and I was finally able to read through it. I dissected it in an eager manner. Noting the way it flowed and how vulnerable Alex had been to show it to me. His leg bounced, he tapped his fingers on his thigh and refused to make eye contact with me.

"Bigger Boys and Stolen Sweethearts," I read aloud. I looked up at him. His body leaning away from me, his head resting on his left hand balanced on the door. His hand framed around his face, covering his chin and cheek, shielding himself, as best he could. 

"Who's it about?" I asked. Please be me. He's a boy and he takes time to get it right but he's got it right and this song is an offering that he wants me back. It wasn't the most flattering song for a girl. He says the girl is "pretty fucking far from nice" and I was still young enough to not take offense to those kinds of things.

"How do you know it's about someone?" He questioned.

I shrugged like his lyrics didn't read as some obvious figure, even if he was talking in the 3rd person.

"That Lauren I ran into at Joan's party." Now 17-year-old me, felt this was an attack. Like Lauren was out to get me. A Lauren that I'd never met and would never meet. She was the obstacle preventing me from being the subject of the song. "I'd written this one a while ago. The advice you gave me, I went back and combed through some old ones lying about."

I pushed my anger to the back of my mind. I focused too much on what I didn't have in those days. Not the fact that Alex wrote something and thought of showing it to me first. I was the first second pair of eyes. I couldn't appreciate things, no matter how much I should've and wished I had.

My silence was irking him. He leaned over the console. Alex tried to decipher what part I was reading. My eyes darted across the small page too much for him to figure out. "What'd you think?"

Alex has never been good at believing in anyone's joy. You'd have to wrangle pride out of him and he'd doubt your belief in him no matter to constant reassurance. For the majority of people, it could be misconstrued as fishing for compliments or would become rapidly annoying. I never minded because I have always been the same way. It was a shared vulnerability. 

"I like it," I earnestly told him.

He shook his head. "You don't have to placate me, Jane." For Christ's sake, he was a teenage boy who used the word placate, I don't know why he thought he was some idiot. 

"I honestly do. I only have a few notes but they're small and you must think it's good too or you wouldn't show me."

Alex slowly smiled and then laughed. He was pleased with himself. It was his version of puffing his chest out. "Maybe."

"I think so and I have great taste. Well, in some things," I corrected myself. "Why don't you write it in first person?" I suggested.

"I like it in third," Alex said.

"You like hiding behind a character."

He gave me a pointed look. I had caught him in the act. I had given him the Alex treatment. It wasn't intentional. It was an easy thing for me to discern and I wasn't judging him. After months of languishing over it, I realized that if Alex did this to me, then it must have been instinct, not judgment. 

I told him, "We all do. Don't worry. That's what being a writer is."

"What would you know about being a writer, Jane?" Alex was teasing and flirtatious. He could switch between innocence and naughty ways in a quick compelling method that only made him increasingly attractive.

I bit my bottom lip to prevent the upturn of my lips and if I wasn't scared of being turned away again, I think I would've kissed him. "I have some experience." I had yet to admit it to myself before I told Alex about it. It seemed fitting that he would be the first to know before I even knew.

He grinned and I figured Alex only felt pride in two ways, a hidden, buried-in-his-ribcage pride and proving-me-wrong pride, which usually ended up meaning pride in me.

*

a/n: so...this is the first part...i hope you like it...more to come whether you like it or not because i'm already too invested in this. okay, thanks for reading!

[dietmountaindewbae]

what about fetus sub Al?

xxii. room on fire

alex turner x reader

word count: 7784

summary: Alex (btb!), Andy, and Matt invite you to see The Strokes live in London

warnings: sp*t, unpr*tected s*ex

song recommendation: automatic stop by the strokes

───── ୨୧ ─────

Closing shut your locker you grab your heavy backpack on your shoulders, the day felt like it was slower than ever but you were happy your next period was a little more fun, literature with your favorite teacher, you read a few pages of the book you were reading in class at home when you couldn't sleep, hearing some music while at it, a lot of people hated to read with music but it just fed your imagination.

Suddenly you heard three voices calling out your name from the hallway, running up to you, "You won't believe it!" Andy said to you, "You won't, you won't!" He said as he giggled from the excitement of Alex and Matt catching up to him.

"Won't believe what? Why? What's going on?" You asked them, they were all jumping up and down nudging at each other's shoulder, smiling at a piece of paper, they were acting like three little girls finding out their crush likes them.

"You will shit yourself!" Matt said.

"It's not me that has" The bell rang meaning to go inside the class, the teacher could be fun and all but hated delay, "I can't with you three seriously, I'll see you in class" You walked in, Alex and the rest following behind you, and that's when they all circled you, "Quit the bullocks, what's going on?"

"Guess who's coming to London?" Alex said, he was blushing from the joy, and you hummed.

"The vines?" You guessed, they all said no with their head, if they were this excited it had to be huge, and that's when it clicked, "...The strokes?" You said with a hint of doubt, Alex finally showed you that piece of paper, and you gasped so loudly, "Really?!"

"It's official, we have to go!" Matt announced.

"Go where mister Helders?" The teacher came inside making Matt's smile turn into a serious one, he looked like he had shat himself... again.

"N-Nowhere" He answered.

"Go back to your seat, please" He nodded sitting behind you while Alex sat next to you.

"Come with us, love, we don't always get to be 16 and go to a Strokes concert" He whispered to you, "Everyone is coming!" He insisted.

"Of course, I want to go, I'll do my best to convince my mum.... plus, what's the point of having a strokes shirt if I haven't seen them live?"

"Young lady if you're going to socialize with Alex let it be outside" The teacher raised his voice, the rest teasing the both of you with their stares and giggles, you and Alex were close, but not as close as you'd liked, he hardly ever spoke to you about a secret he had, or when he was feeling down, yes, he did it sometimes, but not as much as Matt or Andy talked to you, you tried to make him, but it maybe wasn't as easy for him to trust you, you wondered why, you've known each other since middle school, he wasn't always like this.

"Sorry," You said giggling along with Alex.

"Do you think everyone at school will go? Like... Lauren maybe?" Lauren, what else could you say? She was your friend, not your best friend but you hung out with her often, Alex and Lauren talked a lot too, he said it was friendly but what Lauren said was different, you didn't know why but when he asked you about her you felt a little off.

"O-Oh, I don't know, maybe" She liked pop music better but she pretended to like them because of Alex, she liked him but he played dumb about it, and when Lauren noticed that she began to play dumb as well, hoping that it'll grow some interest on him, maybe it was working.

"I hope you can come with us, we'll book a room and everything, I'll talk about it later with me mum"

"How's Penny?" You asked dearly, she was the kindest and coolest woman you'd ever met, and for the rest of the class, you kept whispering to Alex about how excited you felt.

[...]

A few days passed and soon enough Andy got tickets for the three and begged their mums for a room in any place they could get them, your mum wouldn't agree to let you go with three boys to London for a massive gig of some "messy" rock band, you were short on money, and for what you knew everyone was going, except for you, either you got a job fast or not go at all.

"Girls, you won't believe it!"Lauren announced during lunch some other band would come to London as well, she already had her tickets to The Strokes, but she sounded way more pumped about this other band, so you sat there, ears pitched, on the look for what was she going to say next.

"So what are you going to do?" Your friend asked.

"I'm selling my ticket for The Strokes," Your heart skipped a beat and you were fast to say you wanted it.

"How much?" She gave you the price, but you were still short though, you had to think of a bribe she couldn't say no to, "How about I give you what I have on me and... do your homework for a month" Lauren laughed at you.

"Until the end of the year!" She demanded, you stood your ground.

"It's for a month, you should be thanking me" It was a good deal, you weren't just giving her money but you were saving her from getting kicked out of school for skipping class to go out with his 20-something boyfriend-situation.

"Deal" She handed you the ticket, and you gasped and hugged her, "Have fun" She rolled her eyes.

"Thank you!" You took your things and ran to get to Alex, all three of them had breakfast outside by the hidden threes to have a smoke, you had never felt so excited before, your little heart was about to beat out of your chest, and your lower abdomen hurting because you were running too fast, pushing people away, until you crashed with a boy falling on your ass, "Oh, Alex!"

"Love, a-are you ok?! Oh God, I'm so sorry I didn't see you" He helped you, picking you up from the floor, and you gasped his name, "What's wrong?"

"Guess who's going to the gig?" He gasped as you showed him the ticket.

"You're coming with us?!" He spun you around, picking you up in the air, "Oh my god! That's so great" He hugged you so tightly you were happy to feel short on air, "I knew you would manage to go, so I booked an extra room for you, I knew you would make it" You hugged him close, it was so nice and considerate for him, you didn't expect for him to do such a thing.

"I'll give you back every penny! You didn't have to" He shrugged and waved it off, scratching the back of his head.

"I suppose that's what mates do, right? Besides, you shouldn't be thanking me, you should be thanking Penny" You broke into laughter with him, your eyes locked in a stare, "We made it!"

"I know, we're going to see The fuckin' Strokes!" You yelled, "We're going to fuckin' London to see The Strokes baby!" You both jumped up and down like little children, you were so happy feeling the euphoria of just the thought, and then it died as your mind couldn't escape reality, 'not that fast' it said, "Shit..."

"What?" He says.

"Me mum, she's gonna kill me... and I need the money for the train!" Alex pursed his lips and you massaged your forehead, a pulsing pain in your head increased, and your stress murdered your excitement.

"We'll figure summat out... leave it to us"

That same afternoon, around 6 o'clock your door was almost knocked over by the various and brutal knocks on it, you went running downstairs in your pajamas and a giant wet towel on your head, "Oi!"

"It's us!" Andy said from the other side of the door.

"What the fuck are you-" They shushed you, coming in one after the other, you pulled Alex to the side, "What are you doing?" You whispered.

"Taking care of it just as I promised... nice pajamas" He joked, your snoopy pajamas were your favorite, and you followed Alex into the kitchen where your mum was. You are certain that she won't let you go after this, she hates it whenever people just come into the house with no warning, but she said hello to all of them with a warm hug and a smile, they bribed your mum with her favorite biscuits and tea.

That evening, they made a PowerPoint slide called "10 reasons why your daughter should be allowed to go with us"

"No. 1 reason is..." Matt said, "She'll be well taken care of, protected, and have her own space"

"No.2 is, she's the only one with enough brains to lead us through London," Said Andy.

"No 3. is, we're proper lads, and we'll behave as such" Alex smiles at you.

Seven slides after, and a couple of biscuits and cups of steaming tea, your mum agreed to the proposal, mainly because they had taken the time to make the slides and gave her plenty of reasons to trust you with their company, after all, she's practically best friend's with Matt's mum and had a good concept of Alex and Andy, maybe she was in a good mood today. After the boys left, you were left alone with your mum cleaning the dishes as she gave you the money for your train ticket, and you spent the night packing with a smirk on your lips, listening to the strokes on your MP3 all night.

You kept counting the minutes to see them, and when the time arrived you were bright and early at the station, smiling at Alex when you saw him waiting for you at the entrance, "Ready?"

"I was born ready for this moment" You exaggerated making him break into laughter, "Where's Andy and Matt?"

"They took the train earlier to check us in, so once there, we'll just shower and go" You jumped up and down feeling your heart pumping faster, "I'm delighted you came with us actually, so happy"

"Why?" You said once inside the train, Alex like the gentleman he is and the one he promised to be, put your bags away, "Dips on the window" You said.

"Knew it," He sat next to you, unwrapping his scarf, "Well... to be honest, I don't think Lauren likes the strokes with the same passion as me and you do"

"But... even if she doesn't like them, I thought you liked her," You said to him puzzled, "I mean... you're always talking to her, hugging, kissing her cheek... thought you'd be happier if she came" He even kissed her at a party once, even though he says he doesn't remember doing such, you did, and you didn't want to sound so bothered by it but you were, it made you feel strange, even a little jealous.

"But that doesn't mean I like her, besides, I think she only likes them bigger boys, way more fitter than me" He cleared out, and you playfully squeezed his arm.

"You're quite fit Alex, don't say that" He scratched the back of his head again, you notice he often does it when he's nervous, he takes a peek at the book you take out from your purse, along with your music and your wired headphones.

"What 'ave you got there?" He takes your book away from you, it was an edition of Edgar Allan Poe's poetry, then he grabbed your MP3, going through your music, he had grown interested, he didn't understand why he wanted to touch your stuff, wanted to see what's inside your purse, your books, your music library, your head, he wanted to know more, he always did, "You win the prize for the most interesting girl... not that you're not pretty, you're beautiful" He talked to you with such shyness it made you feel special, and the look in his eyes, the little sparkle in them, he bites down on his tongue, feeling as though he had completely fucked up with the words he chose to say, you weren't answering and he was panicking, you stared at him with a grin on your face, it made him feel nervous, his stomach going in circles.

"Thank you" You answered, he could finally breathe, "D'ya wanna share?" He hummed as a yes, discreetly sitting closer to you so you could share your music, and your book with him, you smiled at him, watching the threes go by one by one, all in a row, a beautiful landscape hidden in between them, watching them go by so fast made your eyes tired, your head fell to his shoulder you were quick to take it away.

"Oh sorry," You said to him taking a little space but he pulled you in, wrapping his arm around your shoulder as an instinctive, a few butterflies woke in your stomach, and in him too, even if he wasn't sure what was he doing, he went with it when he saw a beautiful smile appear on your lips.

"Don't worry, you can fall asleep, that's what me shoulder is for" He smiled at you so kindly, it made your heart melt, his sweet cologne, his soft skin, and his coffee brown eyes, you could spend the whole train ride counting his long eyelashes, and then, you fell asleep on the crook of his neck, and he rested his head on yours, you felt safe and warm.

A few hours on the train, and one taxi drive later you arrived at the hotel, the boys ordered some pizza, but you were thinking about looking flawless, so you juggled between having pizza and applying eyeshadow, it was hard but it paid it off very nicely, you heard one thousand knocks at your door.

"Can we come in?!" Matt asked, you opened the door with your toothbrush in your mouth.

"Hey! I swear, give me two seconds" You gathered your hair into a ponytail to spit on the sink, Matt, and Andy laughed at how funny you sounded, but Alex was in awe, you had chosen to wear your strokes shirt but you customized it into your own original off the shoulder shirt with some holes poked in it, you had traced the outline of the boys from a magazine, and painted them on your shirt with black paint and a thin brush, it fitted you big like a dress, fishnets, and your dirty old motorcycle boots, but what had him so invested on you were your eyes, even in the dark they sparkled, and your red plump lipstick.

All of them were dressed in their best gowns, wearing light washed ripped denim jeans, chunky belts under their graphic tees, and tracky shoes, zip ups, and denim jackets, Alex's messy and spiky hair looked cute on him, he chose to wear a white striped blue navy shirt, ripped denim, his jean jacket and dirty reeboks.

"Take as long as you need" He whispered, again Andy and Matt laughed at Alex signing him to sit on the bed next to them.

"You got that look on your face man" Matt teased, while Alex denied it.

"What face? What look?" Matt signed him to look at himself in the mirror, his cheeks were flushed, his mouth dry, and his heart going fast, he looked flustered.

"That face" Alex rolled his eyes and gave him a little smack on the head.

"Fuck off," Alex said to Matt.

"I can see little birds around your head and everything" Andy teased, but as Alex was about to say something else you walked out.

"Done! Let's go, let's go!" You grabbed your giant messy leather stubbed purse fixing your hair before leaving, "Wait, do you guys think I look ok?" Matt and Andy put their thumbs up, they were in a hurry.

Alex was the only one who came back and looked at you from bottom to top, his eyes smiled at yours, and said, "Gorgeous" He grabbed your hand and shut the door.

The venue wasn't big enough to fit the number of people inside, all pilled up together outside the Alexandra Palace, it felt like a huge ball of mass, you were holding on to Alex's arm for dear life, shaking from the cold, he noticed it and gave you his jacket since he knew you would be too embarrassed to ask, he felt like he had acquired a roll, as your protector, someone who not for one second would take their eyes off of you, even if his arms looked so thin they were strong, he made sure to take good care of you, and not only that, he proved himself he was good enough to be with someone like you. He hadn't noticed how much he liked you until you softly slept on his shoulder, his stomach felt the butterflies much bigger, wilder, his heart had warmed up for you, and he never admitted to it, until spending that ride on the train, he had always wondered with that idea on his head, he always wanted to get to know you better, take you out, but he couldn't, he knew he wouldn't ever, he never wanted to be your friend, and whenever he talked to you he knew if he had the chance to make out with you he would, and that would ruin everything because he knew he wouldn't let go of you after that, it was different with Lauren, she was the only thing that kept him from acknowledging the fact that he only wanted you. Once inside you pushed your way to the front, Alex behind you, his arms caged you against the barricade, grasping it for dear life, making sure not to squeeze you as more people tried to make their way to the front.

Suddenly the lights changed color, and everyone started screaming as Julian came out from the back, you jumped up and down like a little girl, he was so hot when he looked all sweaty and messy, everyone began to cheer and you joined in, it was huge, your euphoric heart was beating in your ears when they opened the gig with Reptilia, you were having the time of your life, hugging the people you loved the most, taking pictures of everyone all together, you never expected to meet them, you never believed in the right place, right time until you teamed up with them, even if it sounded silly, those boys really made you laugh, mostly the one that grasped your arm tightly, you took his arm away, but quickly grabbing his hand, for a moment his heart had shrunk but rushed back when you took his hand, and your eyes so tender, he was melting.

You found yourself jumping up and down along during Soma with Matt, just like two kids, the crowd was wild, you were screaming at the top of your lungs every single letter of their lyrics, dancing with each of the boys, there was crowd surfers, people jumping on each other, Alex grabbed your hand and your bag to assure you had fun, he was having enough fun watching you smile, and sing, twisting your feet, swaying your hips, your hairy was messy, and your eyeliner a bit runny but in his eyes, you never looked so beautiful, Matt nudged Alex's shoulder.

"Kiss her!" Matt yelled, "Go on, take your shot either you take it or leave it!" Alex laughed so hard, Matt had planned perfectly his joke as Take it or Leave it began, he could protect you, and be tough, but when he had to speak and tell you something so risky, he got scared of losing you, not only losing your friendship but also losing the little you two had built together over the years, he was so scared of not being the boy you needed, but he had nothing else to lose, the timing was perfect, there was no better place, he took the shot, and if things went wrong he didn't care anymore, he would still be there even if he had to start in first base all over again.

He called out your name, you were dancing with some random girl you met, and you turned to face him, he didn't look ok, he looked pale, and his sweat was cold, "Are you ok?!"

"Yes, I'm ok but-" He held your hands together, "I have to tell you summat!" People started to push you far from him, you were suffocating, not strong enough to fight it.

"What!?" Your ears were ringing from the loud music, he was trying to say something but he was fighting himself mentally.

"I have to-"

"Al, come closer I can't hear you!" The struggle to find the right words to phrase what he wanted to say was unbelievable, he felt so nervous and excited by the hope that maybe you could like him too, so he didn't think about it anymore.

"I like you!" He screamed but the music was only getting louder and the crowd rowdier, the only way to make it out in one piece was by jumping and throwing yourself to the front, you were struggling to reach Al as the crowd went crazy.

"You what?!" You asked again, you saw him annoyed, that look in his eyes was different, he was looking at you differently, he grabbed your elbow, finally being pressed up against him, he hugged your waist securing you in his arms, "I'm sorry I couldn't-"

"Shut up" He crashed his lips against yours, cupping your cheeks, deepening the kiss as the rush took over him, his body pressed up against yours, the room was silent and his lips on fire, his mouth tasting like heaven, his lips kissing yours until he was running out of air, he demanded more, so his tongue slipped inside your mouth in an eager but lovely kiss, it had set free all of the butterflies on your stomach, he was happy you returned the kiss just as eager as him, you bite down on his lower lip before breaking the kiss.

"Al, is that what you were trying to do?!" You smiled at him.

"Yes!" He sighed getting closer to your ear, "I like you, I have for a while now... I can't help meself when I'm around you!" He gave you another peck on your lips, it was softer and sweeter than the others but it ignited a fire within you, it tingles, and  you ached to be closer to him, it was never close enough, "I was too shy to tell you before cause I thought you wouldn't like me, I made excuses but I don't care anymore I just wanted to tell you, that's why I never made a close friendship with you, I never wanted to be your friend!"

Your cheeks burned as you kissed him again, it was more euphoric, scaling up another step, this time his hands dropped to your hips unconsciously, he pulled you closer, his arm around your lower back, while your hand was scattered on his hair, the crowd reduced to just you and him, only in that room, gasping for air but hungry for more, he couldn't handle it any longer and neither could you.

"I do like you, and a lot but I was also too scared to tell you," He shushed you with a kiss, he had always imagined this in his head, he always had a soft spot for you, always so caring about the others, a true honest friend, and not only were your looks, it was everything about you, he didn't want anyone else, he had to make it official, and the thrill got the best of him.

"Do you wanna be me girlfriend?!" He yells loud enough for Matt and Andy to hear it, they rush to save you two since you were getting further and further away from the front, they wrap their arms around you two, pushing the people away, jumping up and down, making Alex hug you tighter to him.

"So what do you say?!" Andy screams into your ear, Alex's brain couldn't decipher what made his heart go as fast, maybe it was the fact there was a small chance that you might say no, or the fact he was watching his favorite band live, with the girl that set his heart on fire since that kiss.

"I say yes!" You screamed to Alex, making him blush hard, you kissed his cheek and Alex tried his best to not hug you as tight since he was all sweaty, but you didn't care, you pulled him in closer, kissing his sweaty forehead.

"She said yes!" The crowd cheers you all up when they hear Andy announcing to everyone your answer, some of them were nice enough to make room for your little circle to go back to the front, Matt and Andy climbing the barricade while Alex held you the same way he did before, he gently puts his arms around your waist, his chin resting on your shoulder, and you cup his cheek kissing his lips and his nose. He gets hypnotized by the way your body moves against him, the sweat that runs from your neck to your collarbone making your chest shine, the little strap of your black bra falling to your shoulder, and he doubts it but he slides it back in place kissing your shoulder, you knew this was something he was afraid to do, but he felt enough trust to do it, you smile at him, dancing, sweating and crying from the excitement, you truly felt alive in this moment, this is something that was meant for you, you were sad about the concert ending but it was the start of something new, only one more song left, and they sing a cover from The Clash as a perfect way to close it, you sing with Alex but his hands travel down to your hips to make you face him, and he took a step forward to kiss you with a tremendous passion, Matt and Andy cheering for him, you had never thought Alex would be like that, so eager, people were pushing Alex, making you bend your back over the barricade, and you laugh as you see Julian's face upside down but nevertheless Alex leans in to kiss you just like that, he pulled you back in to not let you get hurt, you feel it inside him, he wanted to touch more than just your hips, and that shyness only made you get hotter, you grab his hands and put them in your bum, feeling his cheeks get hotter, and your tongue goes inside his mouth the moment he catches his breath, you gave him obvious signs that you wanted more, and he was ready to give you more.

The rush back into the hotel made you leave Matt and Andy in the lobby, the moment they turned their heads, you two had disappeared into the elevator, being all over each other, all sweaty and sticky, you had little to no clothes, and you were even feeling hotter as Alex hands grasp your bum the same way he did at the concert, you were blushing hard, he was following your lead, paying attention to your moves, feeling good about himself whenever he heard you sigh, but that wasn't enough for him, he wanted more noises, more touching.

The elevator door opens and you grab his hand, opening the door in a rush, and kicking it shut with your dirty shoes, walking to the bed and laying down gently in the white and cold bedsheets, you shiver, and he stares at you with a smile, "Are you sure this is what you want?" He asks, just to make sure he wasn't getting carried away or even making you do things you weren't a hundred percent sure of doing.

"Very" You answer with confidence, crawling across the bed and pulling him to sit down on the bed, you throw your leg over him, straddling him in between your thighs, "And you?" He pulls you in closer, sitting you directly on his crotch, that was his big answer.

"Can I?" His hands gently pull on the ends of your shirt, you give him a nod, and with the same gentleness he takes off your shirt, throwing it to the ground, you wore only black panties and that same beautiful black bra, it was simple but quite enough for him to get him all worked up, it was the first time he had seen any girl like that, ever, "Shit... is it too late to confess summat?"

"No, no, what's the matter?" You ask, getting a bit nervous about what he was thinking.

"I've never-... I haven't, you know... done it before?" You try to not giggle from his self-aware nervous self, you know if you did, he would get even more embarrassed, "I know you did it with... you know who, and I just... haven't had the chance, this is possibly as far as I've come to" He giggles from the nerves, and you massage his shoulders to make him feel at ease.

"And Lauren?" He shrugs.

"Never actually did anything with her" He confessed, "I just held back, wasn't ready... but now I am" You lean in to kiss him very slowly, "Now I feel stupid"

"Why?" You stayed quiet to hear his answer, you knew if you spoke too soon maybe your chance would get ruined, and you wanted him so badly, and he didn't want to feel unprepared.

"'Cause I've got this gorgeous girl in all of her fuckin' glory and I don't know what to do" You hug him closely, your chin on his head, and his hands lightly caress your back up and down slowly, you know exactly what to do.

"Just... relax, and enjoy the ride, don't think about anything... just let your body do it, ok? There are no wrong answers" You knew if he had no time to think then his heart and his body would do the rest for him, so you lay him down in the bed, feeling his shirt climbing up his hips, his boxer's band clinging onto his jeans, and your fingertips run over that uncovered piece of skin turning it into goosebumps, you look at him through your lashes as you hold the button of his jeans in between your fingers, he nods and you unbutton them, taking his zipper down and pulling his jeans off, he wore grey boxers, his cock battling his way out through them, his tip was red and warm, peeling off his skin as it grew bigger and harder in your hands, his hands run through his face and cover his mouth as he sees how your mouth opens to suck him off, the feeling of your soft tongue around his cock felt so good, kissing his tip and sucking it in your lips, your back arching as you tongue presses flat down on his cock licking it up like lollie, and spit on it, tugging it out.

"Oh... that's so fuckin' good love" His eyes roll back, biting down on his lip, his hands search for your hair, caressing it at first to then push your head down against his cock, you were determined to take him all in but you couldn't without gagging, you choke and Alex gets worried, had he done something wrong? It sounded like he did, "Are you ok... I'm so sorry" You grab his hand and hold it tightly.

"Alex... it's ok, don't apologize for that, you're just too big for my mouth" You climb into his lap, "What are you doin' with that shirt on, baby?" You tease him, enchanting him with your seductive voice, he immediately takes it off but never lets his eyes tear away from yours, you run your hands down his chest, so warm and soft, "That's better..." Then he takes the opportunity to unclasp your bra, sliding it down your arms and throwing it to the floor along with your clothes, he sighs as his hands slowly grab your tits and knead them gently in his hands.

"You're so sexy..." He kisses you slowly, running his hands down your smooth and fragile body, his fingertips grazing your back, he wants to touch every inch of your skin but wants to keep something from you, something that won him over, "Do you mind keeping the tights on?" He asks in his most shy and quiet voice.

"Why? Is that a turn-on for your Turn-er?" You tease him and he says yes with his head, now he has flipped your body to make you lay down, pinning your hands to the sides, and a smudge smile crawls to your face.

"You'll see now" He crawls down your body, peppering it with wet and loving kisses, he rips them apart with his hands, pushing your panties to the side, your pussy glistening with your juices, "Fuckin 'ell, you're so fucking pretty... I wanna taste it" He hints, you hum a yes immediately pushing his head down in between your legs, your fingers rub your clit and spread your wetness all over your pussy, getting him invested, if he could, he would watch you do that for hours, but when you were ready, he threw one of your legs over his shoulder, eating your pussy as if he was kissing you, spreading open your lips with his thumbs, and letting his tongue dance around your clit in circles.

"Fuck... me!" You choke out, pulling his hair and pushing his head on your pussy, his thumb pressed down on your clit, studying how your body moves with every touch or simple movement, he was amazed, he didn't even know what he was doing but if it felt right for you, it was right for him, and he thought about what could your body want, he was too ashamed to ask what he could do next, so he decided to check up on you.

"Am I any good?" You manage to push yourself up and say.

"Don't speak, just keep going" He submits to your orders, and keeps giving you head, he went deeper down, sucking on your little hole and pushing his tongue inside it, it turned him on so much, the flavor of your cunt, it was special, he could be smothered in it all day, his lips turned plump as he sucks harder on your clit and he goes back down to fucking your hole with his tongue, the sensation so overwhelming on your body, you feel something rising from there, all piling into your tummy, he sees you turning and twisting on the bed, your legs quiver, he sees the green light for him to continue, pressing his tongue flat against your clit, feeling more sweetness leaking out your pussy, and he doesn't end until you do, covering your face in the pillows so you muffle your moans as he licks every inch of your pussy and your sweet release, his dick was so hard, his impulses took over him, he climbed on top of you, throwing the pillow away so he could kiss your mouth, you feel his hard tip poking your inner thigh, "Fuck..." You sigh into his lips, "Do you wanna... you know?" You said with a giggle.

He bites down on his lip, his eyes sparkling, dark, and dilated by everything you've done together, "Yeah, I want to" He quickly fetches his jeans from the floor, Matt had once given him a condom as a joke before a party, and he carried it around just in case, but the one single condom he had, he couldn't find it anywhere, and he was certain he had put it somewhere in his pockets, "Shit" He slams his hand to his forehead.

"What's the matter?" You crawl to the edge of the bed where he is sitting, and you caress his shoulders, "Are you ok?" He felt like the No.1 idiot in the whole century.

"Don't have a condom" He muttered under his breath, and you quickly fetched your purse, you had an old condom in there, but nothing was safe enough, so you took matters into your own hands, you both wanted this, and it was going to happen.

"Get on top, come on," You tell him as you lay down in the bed, once he has settled on top of you, and his nose is grassing yours, you ask him, "You wanna take a risk with me?"And how could he say no when the girl he had this massive crush on was naked, on a bed, willing to give him what a man always wants, and there was not a single condom, "I didn't come prepared, didn't know this was going to happen, so I guess I fucked up too" You make him feel at ease when you make his stupid mistake that he was beating himself up about, turn it into a much human one, "So either you pull out or I will raise your kid into a killer machine" He breaks into laughter, blushing at your jokes, you didn't know what else to say.

"You know what? I think this was meant to be, love... right here, and now, as if everything had lined up for us, you kno'? I-I will pull out in time, don't worry" He kisses your temple, his fingertips lightly tracing the lines of your lips.

"Or... I've got a better idea" You tease him, "But first you better start fucking me big guy, and then you'll see" Alex pushed himself inside you with such ease it made a shiver crawl up his spine, he couldn't help himself, he moaned hard into your mouth, biting down on your lower lips, he makes a fist with the blankets, as his hips thrust inside your pussy slowly at first, but hearing those little gasps that come out of your mouth made him lose control over himself, gathering a pace that made your legs shake again, his hand slides down your thigh, putting it around his torso, you wrap him in, grabbing his bum and making him chuckle, he pushed himself deeper in, burying his cock inside you as he sees you bite down on your bruised lip, your eyes roll into white shiny pearls, his arms grabs the headboard tightly for support, "Oh my God... harder, please..."

"Like that?" You couldn't believe how terrifically good he was at this, and how he had the audacity if he was doing it right when he knew he was, judging by how hard you were trying not to moan, you were completely wrong about Alex, he wasn't shy, he wasn't reserved, he was cocky bastard, and you loved it, he knew what he was doing to you now, he was more confident about it, going harder just like you asked, driving your head to the edge of the bed, he feels so hot when your walls grip him, "God... you're so fuckin' tight" He hums at the feeling, grabbing your hips and driving them against his, the sounds echoing all over the room, you were sure everyone could hear it by now, you felt so close, you take your hand to your pussy, rubbing it in desperate circles as you bite on your knuckles, he sees everything so closely, how his cock glistens as he thrusts out of you, your pussy red, and your neck arched, your fingers so dirtily masturbating yourself, he was losing it, and he quickly pulled out of you before he could finish inside you, "Fuuuck" His voice shakes.

"Can you handle five more minutes, Al?" You were panting, trying to get your heart to go back to its normal rate, but it was so hard.

"Yeah, I think so..." You kiss him hard, pushing his body to the other edge of the bed, and strapping his arms down with your hands, he sees how your pussy slides down his wet cock slowly, your hair all over your face, you body covered in sweat, and kisses, his eyes focus on your hips, rocking back and forward, your clit rubbing against the short hairs on his cock, you didn't. know what it was, but he looked so hot with his little ingrown hairs, he looked more manly, his eyes couldn't believe what was happening, his brain wasn't working, he was just feeling everything so deeply, it wasn't just the need for the closeness or the warmth, it was what was behind all of that, the love, and the intimacy, you both felt it.

"I think I- fuck..." You choked out as he had taken advantage of the fact your whole body became stiff, this was the moment, he pressed your body against his tightly, feeling his heart about to beat out of his chest as he drove himself inside your hole, "Oh fuckin'... I'm gonna-... don't stop!" You cry out, you stare into his dark brown eyes as your insides squeeze out your release, you wanted to be the one in charge, so quickly push his arms up, pinning them down, fucking yourself into his cock, you were panting, and gasping for air as your pussy became a dripping and soggy mess.

"If I could cum inside you I would, but you feel so fuckin' hot... it-t's, you're-" He chokes in his own words, that same stiffness and need to keep fucking you until he finished took over him, he went faster and harder, losing control over himself.

"Come on, that's so good, Alex... come on big boy, you can cum wherever you want to" He squeezed your ass so hard, his mind clouded with lust and the pictures, and noises the came out of your pretty lips, this feeling overcame him, the sounds of your skin, the words that roll out of your mouth, your hands on his body, the love, just one last thrust of his hips and he quickly pulled out of you, "That's good Al..." You see his tip was leaking some cum already, you quickly get on all fours, and jerk him off fast with your hand, opening your mouth to let him slide to the back of your throat, and you pull back, sticking out your tongue so he could see himself cumming all over it, moaning and whimpering, so cute but so hot at the same time, he covered your whole mouth with his warm and creamy cum, you hum as he settles down back to reality, blushing hard as he sees you had swallowed some of it, but it was too much, the taste wasn't bad but the texture felt too much for you, you slowly walked to the bathroom as best as you could spitting that ball of cum off your mouth.

"I'm sorreh" He said once you laid down on the bed next to him.

"For what?" You ask him, and he shrugs and sighs.

"I dunno, I made a mess didn't I?" Alex beating himself up for that little detail in such a beautiful moment made you hug him closely, this was huge for him, and he wanted you to feel good.

"I liked it..." You confessed into his ear, "It was just that I didn't know what to do with so much, it's not a bad thing baby, don't worry about it" You kissed his cheek lovingly, "I had a great time"

"Me too" He turned to face you, your eyes focused on his completely, "And I hope we have more fun together..." He teased making you blush harder and giggle, "Sorry for breaking your tights... I'll buy you new ones"

"What you need to buy are condoms," You both break into laughter.

Watching the sun peek through his honey-colored eyes, were probably the second most beautiful thing, the first one was his face and big nose, how you love that nose and his cute smile, you were in deep for him, his arms around your waist, warm and cozy, and you didn't realize when you both fell asleep until you heard Alex's phone buzzing through his jeans, both of you woke up together as you heard knocks at your door, he quickly put on his same clothes from yesterday, while you changed into fresh ones. Alex opened the door with his face all red, Matt and Andy on the other side of the door with naughty grins.

"Matt is callin'" You stopped dead in your tracks as Matt and Andy look at you and back at Alex.

"There you guys were! Hello, good morning" They joked towards yours and Alex's red faces, you stood behind him and he glanced at you, "You have 5 minutes to be downstairs, we'll see you there, bye love birds" Alex shut the door, hearing their little laughs all the way down the corridor, and you couldn't hold it in either, you laughed and collapsed to the floor, your laugh so contagious him laughing just as hard.

In less than 5 minutes you were downstairs with Alex, him secretly holding your hand as you both check out, "That was very fast" Andy teased towards Alex.

"Fuck off" He raised his middle finger to him and Matt both, he didn't care about their little giggles and jokes, in this moment, it was sunshine and happiness, he wrapped his arm around your waist as you wait outside for a cap to come and pick you up.

Thankfully you were right in time for the train, Alex made a deal with Matt to take his seat next to yours in the back, and when the moment came, once inside the train he sat next to you, putting your bag away, and hugging you close to him in the seats, you stare into the sky as Alex's stares into the reflection of the window, your hands holding his as the other sits in your lap, legs crossed and your eyes a little tired but still mesmerizing, and in that moment he realized how much he loves you.

"What are you thinking about?" You say as you see him so lost in his thoughts, he smiles at you so brightly.

"Nothin'" He chuckles, you wait for him to speak since he has the words coming out the tip of his tongue, "It's just that... I'll need to check all my dirty jeans to see if I can find the condom Matt gave me"

"Oh... your mum won't be happy" You joke, and he pulls you in closer to him, maybe it was the boredom of the long train ride but, you inched closer to him, a not-so-clever idea popping into your head, "Hey..."

"Meet me in the bathroom?" You teased him, pecking his lips gently, he looked straight into your eyes, a small heat wave coming to his body, you weren't joking, he could see it in your eyes, you chose to wear a skirt on the train ride with some knee socks to keep your warm, you discreetly pull down your panties, and hand them over to him. He's in awe as he sees you leaving to the back of the train, into the bathroom with a cheeky smile on your face.

"Fuck" He sighs.

A/N

What?! Bonus chapter bitcheeesss! sorry for the 4-day vacation you guys, hope you didn't miss me much love you 💋

[comatosebunny09]

cotton candy clouds | sylus

summary: you guilt-trip sylus into taking you to the carnival. you get caught up in more than just the festivities, hidden feelings finally coming to light. genres: romance, fluff, minor angst warnings: kissing, unrequited (not really) feelings, tender touches, pet names, incredibly self indulgent, profanity, cheesy af, fuck fate notes: limerence au, but a little less pain. now playing: siren guitar - carlos carty

Well, it seemed like a good idea. 

Until it wasn’t. 

You see, the boardwalk wasn’t too far of a walk from your bungalow. You saw the Ferris Wheel gleaming in the near distance from the passenger window of Sylus’ rental. Caught sight of it on the ride back after spending the morning with him.

The carnival beckoned to you. Taking you was the least Sylus could do after torturing you with restricting dresses and uncomfortable heels all weekend. And he could sweeten the deal by winning you a plushie and stuffing you full of cotton candy. 

Sylus relented with a chuckle, pulling the car into the carport. Good on you for suggesting you travel on foot to the boardwalk after you dropped your bags at the house. He looked like he wanted to contest you, gaze turned skyward like he knew something was amiss. Instead, he shrugged and settled his dark shades onto his face, following your lead. 

The carnival was lively. 

It smelled of funnel cake, smoked turkey legs, and lubed machinery. People milled about, their glee staining the stratosphere. Carnies coerced you into trying for prizes. You had an armful of colorful plushies with a grin to match by mid-afternoon, courtesy of your boss and his impeccable aim. 

If you hadn't known any better, you swore you were on a date. But you knew that could never be, given the state of your relationship and your position in Sylus’ life. 

You were halfway through a candied apple when Mother Nature decided, ah, that’s enough fun. 

The sky, once a bright cyan with a golden sun pinned to its center, gave way to ominous, dark gray clouds. Thunder followed, and eventually, the nimbus clouds opened up to pelt the boardwalk below with its glacial downpour.

You scattered along with the other carnival goers, Sylus in tow, the spoils of your endeavor forgotten. On the race back to the bungalow, he grabbed your hand, and you laughed like two carefree adolescents as he tugged you across the sand to your temporary lodging. 

You were breathless when you reached the porch, shoving into the warm sanctity of the entryway with a “Hurry, hurry!”

It was quiet inside. 

The light pouring in through the sliding doors and windows illuminated the stilled space. Your teeth chattered as Sylus helped divest you of your clothes in the living room. Such a gentleman, his gaze never dipping past your collarbones as he tore his sweater from his shoulders. He left you briefly, taking his warmth with him to light a fire beneath the mantle. 

Clad only in your undergarments, you pawed at him, giggling amid your shivering when he came back to drape you in an oversized throw. 

He led you to the high-pile rug in front of the fire. Sat down cross-legged, drawing you into his lap. He shrouded the pair of you in the throw blanket, his arms encasing your middle, hands smoothing over your arms to ward off the cold.

For a while, you sat like that, watching the fire kindle. Chuckling, panting, and existing in the moment until your shared quivering abated, and only the rhythm of your even breaths, the crackling fire logs, and distant waves crashing against the shore colored the air. 

Even now, you sit like this, still housed in Sylus’ lap and arms, his chin notched in the hollow of your shoulder. He absently rocks your body side to side, his occasional pleased hum vibrating your spine.

You’re no longer a sopping, chattering mess. You’re much warmer than before, Sylus’ proximity causing your cheeks to prickle with heat. You don’t want to disrupt the mood that’s descended onto your shoulders. Ignore the complicated thoughts and feelings that burble to the surface, threatening to bare themselves in the face of your peace. 

He feels too good. Smells even better, the scent of his cologne easing the tension from your shoulders. And a glance at him in your periphery reveals his lashes fluttering, eyes closed in what you assume is contentedness. You study him for a beat or two, ingesting the peachy tone stippling his cheek and the pretty curl of his lips. He looks so boyish and unguarded this way, his hair falling into his face, and you find yourself wanting to see this side of him more often.

“You look like you want to say something,” he teases through a smile, thumb cruising over the skin of your belly.

You shake your head no, eyes wide like you’ve been caught rifling through the cookie jar. 

His hold on you stiffens the slightest. “Am I making you uncomfortable?” He moves to pull away, but you quickly ensnare his wrists with your hands, quietly imploring him to stay. He acquiesces, holding to you a little tighter. Nuzzles a little more affectionately, inhaling deep the warm aroma of your skin.

“What’s on your mind,” he queries on an exhale, tenderness lancing through his question. He almost sounds like he’s afraid to scare you off. Afraid to let you go, swept up in the spell of the moment and the sensation of your body against his.

Your lips pull into a rigid, thoughtful line. Your pulse thrums in your ears, and you rub cautious thumbs over the veins pulsing in Sylus’ hands as you study the geometric patterns of the rug. Sighing, you figure it’s best to broach the subject now rather than let it fester.

“Is this alright?” you timidly ask. Uncharacteristic of you, but in light of everything that’s transpired since he whisked you away on this impromptu vacation, you’ve become even more confused and unsure of yourself.

Sylus shifts, drawing back until you feel his eyes on the side of your face. In the corner of your vision, he cants his head quizzically, lips parting.

“What do you mean?”

The angle is awkward, your neck straining. But you turn as best you can to look at him, and the puzzled pinch of his brows makes your chest tighten. 

“I mean, us being this…close. Is it really okay?” Your question hangs in the air like the pop and fizz of the fire. You watch his Adam’s Apple bob whilst he swallows, and he scrutinizes you, the cogs in his mind slowly turning. 

“Is this a problem? Because if I’m making you uncomfortable, sweetheart—”

“Sylus, that’s…that’s not what I mean.”

He watches your lips tremble. Expression still reads like he has no idea what you’re on about. He strokes up your arm, encouraging you to elaborate. With another weighted sigh pushing through your nostrils, you relent.

“I mean, like…what the hell are we doing here?” Try as you like to mask your frustration, bits and pieces of it leak into your words. You clench your fists in your lap, brows furrowing as your eyes burn and glaze over with the threat of tears. “Why did you bring me here? The last few days have been so… wonderful and confusing, and I—I just wanna know where I stand with you.”

The past weekend with your boss has played out like a dream. 

It began when Sylus snatched you away from the arctic darkness of the N109 Zone in favor of something brighter, more low-key. Wanted you to take a load off after employing you for so long. To show his appreciation for you laying your life on the line for him each day.

He bought you gifts at every turn. Said things that thoroughly derailed your perception of him. Touched you in ways that, although weren’t sexual in nature, lit a fire within you and gave you an inkling of hope. Hope that he cared for you as much as you pined for him despite his history with the Hunter. 

You knew it wasn’t right to covet him like that. But you couldn’t help yourself, and how he’d been behaving since you arrived on the island only worsened matters. He treated you like a lover more than his subordinate, and you needed—no, deserved—an explanation for the sudden shift in tone. 

“I thought it was obvious,” he half-chuckles, shaking his head whilst pinching the bridge of his nose. 

As if you’re the problem here.

You make a sound. Maneuver yourself in his lap to get a better look at him, fixing him with a perturbed look. Explain, demands the quirk of your brows. 

“Well, it’s been brought to my attention that maybe I haven’t been completely clear with my intentions.” 

Sylus shifts you around in his lap until you’re straddling him, your legs framing his hips, wrists instinctively crossing behind his neck. He drapes his arms about your waist, a wide, possessive hand at the small of your back to hold you in place. He peers at you with all the softness of the world, and from your vantage point, you make out the amber flecks nestled between the crimson wash of his irises.

He tilts his head, quietly studying you. Turning over the right words in his mind. “I care about you.” His voice is low and abrasive, but the crackle of it sparks in your chest like steel dragged across a flint stone. 

Your breath hitches, and you watch him with widened eyes and parted lips.

“I care about you. Maybe more than I should. Perhaps more than I deserve to, but I do. And you mean more to me than mere words can illustrate.”

Great. Now you feel absolutely horrible amid the butterflies piling in your stomach. “Sylus—”

He chuckles sardonically, glancing off to the side. “I thought that by bringing you here, I could make it inherently clear how I feel about you. No distractions. No outside forces. Nothing standing between us.”

Unconsciously, you gather his cheeks into your hands. Lure his gaze back to yours, and the look in his eyes makes your stomach somersault. You’ve never seen him so wounded. Like he fears your rejection, yet he’s determined to set the record straight.

Sylus’ voice steeps a few octaves when he closes in, his warm breath fanning over your lashes. You feel dizzy like you would collapse if not for his virile arms keeping you fastened to him. 

“Fate be damned,” he whispers. Molds his hand to the nape of your neck, fingers easing up into the delicate hair that resides there, and you shiver when his gaze slacks to your lips. “You were an oversight—a pleasant oversight. A detour in my plans that I didn’t anticipate. A detour I don’t regret taking.”

His lips graze yours, and you’re panting as pleasant tingles ricochet up your spine.

“You occupy all of my thoughts.” Sigh. “You ruin me,” he husks, sealing your chest to his. “I don’t want anyone else but you. And I know your mind has more than likely convinced you otherwise. But I’m here to say that I truly…” He draws back to kiss the tip of your nose. “Honestly…” Brands the corner of your mouth with the languid drag of his lips. “—pine for no one else. You’re the only person I want in this lifetime.”

“Sylus,” you halfway sob in the slither of space between your mouths, every nerve in your body trained to the feel of him.

“Yes, sweetheart?”

You swallow thickly, your mouth dry, your mind fogging over. “You gonna keep waxing poetic, or are you gonna kiss me?”

He snorts out a laugh at your impatience, cupping your jaw with a tender, sweltering hand. “There is nothing I would like more,” he breathes, luring you closer for a taste of your lips. 

[rapturously]

💳💳💳💳can I have some Marko please and thank you. Just pure playful, smutty goodness.

��� pairing ; marko (tlb) x fem!reader.

FORMAT: drabble — requested.

WORD COUNT: 3.7K.

WARNINGS: SMUT (mdni), unprotected sex, p in v sex, bloodplay (he’s a vampire), rough sex, multiple positions (missionary & doggy), fingering (f!receiving), dirty talk, making out, biting, hair-pulling, scratching, marking, scent kink, marko is pretty rough & greedy, clothes ripping, cumplay, groping, marko is italian, implied marko/reader/paul relationship, risk of getting caught, possessive & obsessive behavior from marko, his slutty crop top is hot to me

AUTHOR’S NOTES: literally having some insane lost boys brainrot rn ,,, working on some more threesomes and just paul content (love him to death ngl), also !! adding more new characters to the muse list aaaaaand gonna try to focus on horny drabbles. just filth, no thoughts ❤️ love you all and thanks so much for your support!

The sharp, stinging scent of copper fills your nostrils, heavy in your lungs, burning away your senses with every breath. You still aren’t fully accustomed to the smell — it’s vitriolic, visceral with every breath that you take, causing you to briefly press your palm against your face.

Golden irises rake over you over the twitching corpse in the sand, appraising your state of wellbeing. Someone had gotten too handsy, too invasive in your space — and that was always enough to spell doom in the eyes of a very territorial vampire.

Despite Marko’s stature, his appetite dwarfed that of his brothers — twice as insatiable, twice as violent.

His tongue lashed across his lips, pearlescent fangs entrenched in crimson, soon to be lapped clean as he wiped off his mouth with the back of his hand. It’s just you and him on some stretch of beach, just out of-sight of the boardwalk.

Marko’s idea of an enjoyable night is hunting and fucking — in no particular order. Paul finally relinquished some of his possessiveness and allowed him to ‘take you out’, which wasn’t entirely subtle. You agreed, of course — Marko was exhilarating in the best of ways.

“Didn’t like the way he looked at you,” Marko confessed, dragging the pad of his thumb across the corner of his mouth. His mane of golden curls billowed with the oceanside breeze, body glittering in specks of red. “He was a little stale.”

To you, blood is blood — but to vampires, it has a certain taste depending on the individual, a particular viscosity and aftertaste. Marko had amusingly compared it to wine — the age, ingredients, and bouquet, an amalgamation that made blood stale or sweet.

Your gaze flickered toward the now-lifeless corpse strewn about in the sand, a Surf-Nazi whose flesh is stone-cold and pale, devoid of lifeblood. “He did reek of something awful.” You replied, stepping away from the body and toward his motorcycle, instead.

“It didn’t ruin the mood, did it?” Marko inquired, calmly stepping over his dinner as he sauntered toward you, hand grasping at your hip. Sometimes, he had a horrible habit of getting carried away with feeding, and it veered off into an adrenaline rush or lust.

“Not in the slightest.” You mused, shaking your head as you swiped away a smear of blood from his chin. Before you could pull your hand away, he snagged your thumb between his teeth, lips curling into a smirk as he sucked the digit clean of any cruor.

An excitable sigh hitched within the bottom of your throat, eyes glued to the sight of his pretty lips wrapped around your finger. His fangs scraped across your flesh, teasing you with a feather-light touch.

Beneath the cherubic features and angelic facade that was Marko, he was a demon — in the best ways, of course. His halo was steeped in blood, crooked atop his mountain of soft, golden curls. His stare was incendiary, twisted together with lust and adoration.

“Should we go back home?” You inquired, voice soft and barely above a whisper. The rest of the pack were out hunting for the foreseeable future — which meant that the cavern would be left for you two.

Marko smirked, dropping your thumb from his maw before he coaxed you in for a kiss, open-mouthed and fueled by a blistering desire. A simpering moan escaped you, feeling his tongue greedily invade your mouth, hands grasping at your hips.

The kiss was more than enough to stoke a fire within your belly, one that demanded to be extinguished. A pang of honey-sweet arousal struck between your thighs, a scent that Marko could detect from miles away.

When he withdrew, those pretty eyes of his flickered toward your stomach, sluggishly tracing your form again until he met your doe-like stare. “If that’s what you want,” Marko clicked his tongue, fingers slinking toward the pliant flesh of your thigh. “You’re beautiful.”

It was exactly what you wanted — time alone with him. You flourished underneath his compliment, spoken through his forked tongue and sweet tone of voice. “I just want you,” You uttered, gasping when he nipped at your jaw. “Wherever that is.”

Admittedly, Marko found some sentiment in that.

Love was a complex ideal to vampires, especially the boys, who’d known nothing but carnage and survival, many decades of self-preservation. People were simply playthings, food — for him to hold some affection for you, a human, was a daunting notion.

He released you from his grasp, gesturing toward the bike with a nod of his head. “I’ll be patient.” Marko murmured, swinging his leg over as he settled onto his bike, feeling you clamor in behind him.

You wrapped your arms around his abdomen, digits idly toying with the hem of his crop-top, able to feel the taut musculature underneath. It drove him crazy every time you rode with him. Judging from the way he sat, rigid and poised, it must’ve had some effect on him.

As the motorcycle roared to life, Marko unceremoniously spun the vehicle around, causing a spray of sand to fly in the other direction. He sped off onto the stretch of beach, making for the cave at dangerous speeds. The cool, oceanic breeze swept over you, tinged with the sting of alkaline.

Snug against him, your digits continued to drift underneath his clothing, icy muscle flush against the warmth of your fingertips. He shot you a look from over his shoulder, incendiary and shadowed — a warning, more than likely.

Feigning innocence, you simply forced a cheeky smile, noticing the way his body shook with a huff of laughter. He invaded your mind, perusing through your thoughts like the pages of an open book.

“Careful, dolcezza.” Marko crooned, issuing yet another warning — it wasn’t as subtle as the last. As you crept into newfound territory, toying with your vampiric paramour, you had a feeling that you were in for it once you reached the cave.

Something warm blossomed within your chest, a familiar heat that simmered with desire. Arousal pooled between your legs as he narrowly guided the bike away from a cluster of trees, grinning like a shark when he noted the little flicker of nervousness on your face.

It was adrenaline intermingled with a twinge of fear, enough to produce a unique pheromone that Marko caught a whiff of. He revved the motorcycle, pushing down on the gas pedal for a boost of speed, wind whipping throughout your hair.

A pale, silvery moon hung overhead, turning those golden curls to a shade of platinum. Marko whooped and howled, leaving behind a trail of disturbed sand in his wake, guiding the bike over a hill and fallen log.

Your fingers clutched onto him, cheek pressed against the back of his shoulder. The exhilaration of it all made your pulse quicken, excitement climbing to new levels. Marko’s cajoling laughter filled the air, the motorcycle gliding down a dirt path toward the beach.

The cave sat soundly beside the ocean, shrouded by a shadowy chasm and plenty of debris. The rest of the bikes were missing, much to Marko’s delight. As he hit the kickstand on his bike, you stepped off, letting out a strangled gasp when he grabbed your waist.

Without warning, he hoisted you into the air, snickering and teasing you with bouts of laughter as he flew into the cave, taking you right into his nest.

“Marko!” You squealed, feeling your back hit the mattress with a rather unceremonious thud, the wind being ripped from your lungs. His grin remained, pearlescent and glittering as he perched at the foot of the bed, teeth catching on the leather of his glove.

“We’re all alone,” Marko mused, and began to slink closer, abandoning his roost. He nipped at your jaw and lower lip, teeth delightfully close to your jugular. Your flesh felt velvety beneath his palms, belonging to him for the evening, much to his satisfaction. “What am I going to do with you?”

The scent of your arousal flooded his senses, throat beginning to ache with a dull throbbing. He absentmindedly licked his lower lip, hazel hues narrowing slightly as he looked you over as one would a delicious meal, but it morphed into something else.

Something more than that.

Part of him would always view you as a meal, as his thrall, his fragile little human — but the other found affection, a twinge of love that steadily grew into something possessive and obsessive. Marko understood why Paul was so crazy about you, why he worshiped the ground that you walked on.

It was the way you looked at him — smitten and enamored, as if you hadn’t seen something so beautiful before. While he enjoyed the fear, savored your nervousness, this was something else entirely.

“You’re perfect,” You exhaled, visibly charmed by his very presence, by the way he carried himself. Marko reminded you of a Greek sculpture, cold and crafted of an impenetrable marble — beautiful and stoic. Yet, he was devious, the devil disguised as an angel. “Pretty.”

Marko hummed, hands unabashedly roaming underneath your dress, groping at your breasts. “Aren’t you sweet?” He purred, listening to the erratic beating of your heart, nose skirting along your jawline as he inhaled a gust of your saccharine scent.

Your fingers reached for the nape of his neck, perusing through his golden curls as he pushed himself in between your legs. His hand hastily snuck towards the cleft between your thighs, seeking out that familiar heat as he swept his digits over your clothed cunt.

“Marko!” You whimpered, practically writhing underneath him as he dipped his fingers beneath your panties, gliding through your slick slit. He wound his fist into the thin material, shredding it apart with a brusque tug. His sneer made you flustered, shrinking underneath his stare.

“Want me to make you feel good?” He uttered, digits prodding at your cunt with a feather-light touch, enough to drive you insane. “Use your words.” Marko insisted, feeling your hands claw at his patchwork jacket. Your mind was a pool of crass thoughts, interwoven with your own embarrassment.

“Yes,” You blubbered, tugging on his curls with a sense of urgency. “Please, Marko, I — I want you!” His snickering and playful smile caused butterflies to erupt within the pit of your stomach, breath hitching as he shrugged his jacket aside. He peeled away those leather gloves, touching you with smooth, icy palms.

As soon as his mouth met yours, you reciprocated with a flurry of passion, scatterbrained and drunk with desire. His lips felt plush against yours, kiss turning sloppy as his teeth scraped across your lower lip. A gasp escaped you as you listened to the sound of fabric tearing.

Marko ripped your dress, uncouth and showing disinterest in the garment altogether. Your brassiere was next, but you were able to save it from an unfortunate fate, letting it join his jacket instead. His lips roamed over your chest, biting at your breasts, your sternum, littering you in lovebites.

He murmured something in Italian — something indiscernible, but it sounded pretty nonetheless. You felt something sharp just above your breast, the intrusion of fangs as Marko took a bite, enough to satiate. He licked his lower lip, lapping at the crescent-shaped indent before he kissed you again.

Much to your delight, his hand returned to the molten heat between your thighs, digits roaming along your slit before he pushed them forward. You shuddered, legs forced apart by his body as he deliberately stroked at your cunt, thumb teasing your clit.

The coppery twang of blood stained his tongue, which happened to collide with yours. Every kiss ripped away a wisp of air from your lungs, body prickling with an electric pleasure. Marko’s fingers found your entrance, easing themselves inside of you.

“You’re so beautiful like this,” Marko uttered, his gaze wrought with a lust-warped intimacy. You shrank underneath his oppressive stare, heart thudding beneath your collarbone. “My thrall.” He watched the way your countenance blossomed into a vision of pure ecstasy.

Your hips twitched, jolting and rolling into the sensation of his fingers. He found a pleasurable rhythm, easing his digits in and out of your tight cunt. Your hand moved underneath his crop-top, reveling in the feeling of sinewy muscle underneath.

“Take this off,” You moaned, tugging at the tattered fabric with a sense of insistence. “Please, Marko.” Your voice tapered off into a whine when he curled his fingers ever so slightly, thumb grazing your clit yet again.

With a bemused huff, he obeyed, treating you to the charming sight of his lean musculature. His flesh was cold to the touch, impenetrable and sturdy like marble, somewhat sunkissed. Paul was pretty in a different way — wild, untamed, and unapologetically himself.

Marko reminded you of a sculpture, a cherub with a carefully-concocted veil — tear it aside, and you would find a rather beautiful demon. He stared at you with a strange intensity, savoring the way your nails dug into his bicep.

Candlelight danced across his skin, producing an attractive shade of orange that only made him look painfully perfect. He smirked when you bucked forward, chasing after his fingers — he cruelly let them drift away, only for you to let out a disgruntled whine.

He showered you in a barrage of rough bites and hickeys, letting them trail from your neck to collarbone, something noticeable. They were right alongside Paul’s — though, most of his were all around your breasts.

With another careful pistoning of his digits, Marko withdrew his fingers from your slick core, crudely sucking them free of your nectar. You tasted divine, a taste that he’d begun to crave. His hand moved toward the fly of his jeans and chaps.

Marko occasionally entertained you with foreplay — that was more Paul’s forte than anything else. The curly-headed leech was much more absorbed in fucking you until you were a sobbing mess, and that was what he intended on doing.

“Don’t be quiet,” Marko crooned, grinning like the cat who’d just caught the canary. The doe-eyed, mesmerized look you gave him was enough to make him pause for a moment, letting the intimacy crackle between the both of you. He kissed you, feeling your arms loop underneath his. “Sweet little human.”

There was something unusually attractive about Marko referring to you as that — he had all the power. Knowing that he possessed the ability to rip you open and chose not to added some amorous layer to your relationship.

His cock pushed against your cunt, and he let himself linger there until you were moaning, desperately pushing your hips forward. His soft, cajoling giggle made you involuntarily smile, but it dissipated as soon as he fucked his way inside of you.

Marko huffed, savoring the stinging sensation of your nails digging into his shoulder blades, knees squeezing at his narrow nips. “Marko,” You whimpered, knowing that he didn’t have the intention of being gentle. “I need you.” You sighed with passion.

His initial thrusts were erratic and desperate, not soft or coddling. Marko wanted to find a rhythm that worked for him, and not you. Roughness and brutality were the only ways he knew how, evident in the way he began to move into you. His cock slammed away at your sensitive cunt, feeling you clench and shake around him.

A blistering heat consumed you, coursing throughout your body like a tidal wave. It was beyond pleasant, white-hot and visceral as Marko wasted no time in picking up his pace. A low growl resonated from the back of his throat, cock battering away at your cunt.

You felt his hand spread your legs apart, hips brushing against yours as he rutted into you. Your fingers left scratches behind on his back, angry-red with little pearls of crimson. The way Marko obliterated you was borderline godly — a stark juxtaposition to the vampire himself.

Despite the roughness of it all, there was an intimacy to be found within it, a deep obsession that Marko felt for you. His face moved toward your neck, lips peppering messy kisses wherever he could.

A cacophony of lewd noises filled the cavern, accompanied by your string of pleasured moans and needy whimpers. “Marko!” You cried, unabashed as you yelped into the abyss of the cave.

When he pounded into you with the force of a battering ram, you swore you saw the heavens themselves, lips agape as you clawed at his musculature. Marko didn’t care whatsoever — in fact, it only added fuel to the fire as he nipped at any inch of available flesh.

“I’m close.” You panted, listening to the sounds of his heavy huffs and soft grunts. You were ensnared, trapped between his insatiable jaws. Clamoring forward, you attempted to kiss him, only to be met with a flurry of dizzying desire and teeth.

Marko’s lips curled into a grin, scent of your arousal stinging his senses again. It turned him into some feral animal, fueled by the primal need to rut. You savored this, drunk on his passion and ferocity. You felt his mouth press along your jaw; wherever he could reach.

You threatened to tear Marko asunder, digging into his flesh with such force that a human would find it painful. Thankfully, your paramour was supernatural — he was indomitable. Your throat burned from the constant barrage of sound that escaped you, lips swollen from the flurry of kisses.

He brusquely pulled himself out of you, cock oozing with beads of precum as he grabbed at your hips. “Just a little more, dolcezza.” Marko murmured, biting at your shoulder as he put you down onto all fours, bringing you right back against him.

You gasped, choking on air as he pounded back into you, cock hitting new depths as he hunched in close. You could feel his hand tangling into your hair, breath fanning out across your back.

A series of desperate whines left you, face buried near the pillows as Marko fucked you through your orgasm. That familiar rush of white-hot pleasure made you feel as if you were floating, hot and heavy between your thighs. Your stomach churned with molten heat, flesh crawling with fire.

You felt like you were going to collapse, carried away within the sea of ecstasy. Marko didn’t stop for anything, his pace voracious as he consumed you completely, cock buried deep inside of you — as far as it would go. His core felt tight, body snug against yours.

Marko’s grasp on your hips was ironclad, hard enough to leave behind imprint-shaped bruises. His chest erupted with a grunt, his noises subtle compared to your symphony of delight. You shuddered, body spasmodic in the wake of your release.

“Good girl.” Marko purred, finding amusement in the way you attempted to push your thighs together. He began to rut into you again, the intensity climbing to new heights before he pulled out, painting your back in ropes of sticky seed. That was his favorite.

He used the torn remnants of your dress to clean you up, pressing a string of kisses along your spine as you settled back down, body quivering. Marko was more than happy to gather you into his arms, smirking all the while as he pressed a kiss against your brow.

“I’m sorry for scratching you,” You mumbled, visibly sheepish when you noticed the marks you’d left behind. It wasn’t pretty — his cruor was drying underneath your fingernails. “I got carried away.”

Marko giggled, head canting to one side. “Apologizing for scratching the vampire,” He clicked his tongue, absentmindedly biting at the corner of his thumb before he cupped your chin. “You know how much I like it.” He reminded you, tracing your lower lip with the pad of his finger.

A sigh of relief escaped you, body damp with a layer of dewy perspiration. “So does Paul.” Paul enjoyed it when you choked him, too. Sometimes you worried you’d hurt them — even if it was an outlandish thought.

“He does love it,” Paul’s voice reverberated from the makeshift doorway, coat splattered in fresh bloodstains. Even his chin carried faint remnants of crimson, but his grin was more present than ever. “Are you gonna make it happen?” He asked.

You gawked at your mate, but Marko had some sly expression on his face. “Maybe when she’s done resting from us.” Marko interjected, careening into the sensation of your fingers perusing through his curls.

Paul huffed, letting out a soft ‘pfft’. “As long as you don’t break what’s mine, bud.” He mused, and sauntered away from the nest, leaving you and Marko alone once more. Much to Marko’s delight, you leaned into him, feeling his teeth snag along your jaw once more.

“I might break you,” Marko uttered, lips ghosting above the shell of your ear as his hand snuck in between your legs. You shivered, unable to bite back the throaty whimper that left you. “Just a little bit.”

[charlottecutepie]

⋆ ˚｡⋆🎡˚ Coney Island baby (William Afton x fem!reader headcanons)

little headcanons about soft!william spending his weekend with his gf 

life has been so busy lately and I've lost the strength to write anything, but I love you all and I want to appear here more often, so have this for now 💗 i still remember the fic that I wanted to write, inspired by Lana's song and I’ll definitely post it! just a little later, when I won’t be so stressed :)

aside of fnaf, I also returned to one of my favorite fandoms from childhood, so I hope you won't mind if Ill post more than just fnaf here ?? 

tags: date, amusement parks, ice creams, soft!william (you can imagine him in any way, but I thought of game!will when writing that), kinda coquettish reader?, princess treatment, spoiled reader, kissing lots of kissing, suggestive sometimes, fluff, romantic, summertime, beach

♡ The bright lights of the amusement park greeted you, casting long shadows across the wooden boardwalk beneath your feet. The sound of carnival games and laughter filled the air, a perfect warm, sultry night. William’s arm rested around your waist, firm and possessive, holding you close to him. His hand found your hip, fingers curling slightly, like he owned you—because in a way, he did.

♡ “Having fun, princess?” you nodded, biting your lip coyly, knowing exactly the effect it had on him. He let out a quiet chuckle, looking at your expression. He caught you looking up at the Ferris wheel, eyes wide with excitement. You weren’t even thinking about it, but he noticed everything.

♡ “What are you looking at?” the way his fingers gripped your waist tighter made it clear he wasn’t used to being ignored. You only smiled and glanced at the vendor selling ice cream cones nearby, your eyes flicking from the ice cream stand back to him, giving him that playful look he adored. Without a word, William led you over, already knowing what you wanted. “Vanilla?” he asked, though the answer was obvious. 

♡ it was totally your day, you felt so happy, all spoiled, his Coney Island baby. He saw you licking ice cream, imagining things he shouldn't in a place like this—but William wasn’t one to be shy about his desires. “You’re gonna make it melt if you keep playing around like that,” he muttered, his eyes darkened as he watched you savor the sweet, cold treat. You couldn't help the soft laugh that escaped your lips as you continued to tease him, deliberately slow in the way you enjoyed each bite.

♡ You just loved teasing this man.

♡ The lights were dim around the edges of the park, damn perfect for stealing a moment away from the crowd. Without warning, William pulled you behind one of the old game booths, his hand coming up to cup your cheek as he leaned in, his lips finding yours in a hungry, breathless kiss. He wrapped his other arm around your waist, pulling you close to him. You melted into him, the world around you forgotten. Hoping no one saw, you felt the thrill of being hidden yet so exposed. William kissed you so greedily and aggressively, barely restraining himself from taking you right there.

♡ “You taste like sugar, darlin.” he whispered against your lips, staring into your eyes. You smirked, pulling him down for another kiss, your hands in his hair.

♡ The night seemed to stretch on forever as you found yourselves at one of those old-fashioned photo booths, the kind where the pictures came out in black-and-white strips. You slid in first, making ridiculous faces for the camera, sticking out your tongue and winking while William sat next to you, arms crossed. “You’re ridiculous,” he said, watching you

♡ As the final photo flashed, you caught him off guard, leaning over and pressing a flurry of kisses on his cheekbones. He groaned, half in frustration, half in delight, trying to pretend like he wasn’t enjoying it as much as he was. But you knew better. His hands cupped your face, pulling you into another kiss, this one softer, but no less passionate.

“Couldn’t help yourself, could you?” he teased.

♡ The night wasn’t over yet. After hours of fun at the amusement park, you found yourself at a cozy little café with a veranda. William sat across from you, his eyes locked on yours, a slow smile tugging at his lips. “Order whatever you like, princess,” he murmured, never looking at the menu and prices. You grinned, your gaze darting to the menu as you picked out a few treats, knowing he’d get you anything you wanted.

♡ The drinks arrived, and you took a sip, feeling William’s eyes still on you. He leaned in a little, that familiar smirk playing on his lips. “You’ve been quiet,” he said. “something on your mind, darling?” his eyes gleamed in the dim light, and you couldn’t help but pout, feeling playful under his gaze.

♡ “Mm, just thinking how you spoil me too much,“ you teased, letting your lip jut out, knowing exactly what you were doing. His eyebrow raised slightly.

“Is that so?” he replied, leaning closer. “and here I thought you liked being spoiled.”

♡ You smiled, shrugging innocently. “Of course I do. . . just missed you this week, you’ve been so busy.” you trailed off, letting your pout deepen, knowing it would drive him crazy. 

His let out a low chuckle and and before you knew it, his hand was reaching across the table, fingers gently brushing your cheek. “You really know how to get me, don’t you, princess?” he murmured, his thumb tracing the curve of your lip. Your breath caught in your throat, and you could only nod, your heart pounding at the way he was looking at you.

♡ His hand cupped your cute face now, both palms warm against your cheeks, holding you in place as his eyes bore into yours. “What am I going to do with you?” he whispered and you met his gaze, biting your lip slightly before replying.

“Whatever you want, mr. Afton. . ?” there it was, even though you dropped the formalities a long time ago, you knew that his weakness of his, when you called him that in your angelic voice, giving him puppy eyes. The words came out softly, almost teasing, but the way his eyes flickered with amusement and something deeper made you feel even more vulnerable under his touch.

♡ “Careful, or I just might,” he murmured, his lips now inches from yours. You couldn’t resist anymore, leaning in to close the gap, your lips brushing his in a romantic, teasing kiss. He chuckled against your mouth before deepening the kiss, his grip tightening ever so slightly on your face. 

♡ The moonlight shimmered on the ocean’s surface, casting a silvery glow over the beach as the two of you strolled along the shore. The air was cooler now, the soft sound of waves crashing in the distance adding to the peaceful atmosphere. You leaned into William’s side, your fingers brushing against his, but something playful flickered inside you. You stopped suddenly, grinning up at him. 

♡ “Let’s go in the water,” you said, your eyes sparkling with mischief. 

♡ You laughed, taking his hand fully now, tugging at him. “Come on, it’s perfect! Let’s have some fun.” before he could argue, you were pulling him toward the shoreline, your feet sinking into the cool sand. “You can’t say no to me,” you teased, glancing back at him with a playful wink. He chuckled, shaking his head but letting you lead him.

♡ The moment the water hit your feet, a chill shot through you, making you giggle. “It’s freezing!“ you squealed. William stood behind you, amused, watching as you waded in further. 

“You’re going to regret that,” he called, crossing his arms over his chest, but finding your actions adorable as fuck.

♡ But you weren’t backing down. “You can’t just stand there all night,”. you teased, your grin wide as you splashed water in his direction. His eyes narrowed, his lips curving into a dangerously playful smirk. 

“Oh, you’re asking for it now, darling.”

♡ In a swift motion, he was in the water too, his arm wrapping around your waist as he pulled you back against him. You giggled in surprise, your laughter echoing across the empty beach. “See? You can’t resist me,” you teased, batting your eyes, leaning back into him as the water lapped around your legs.

♡ Without warning, William bent down slightly and scooped you up into his arms, holding you in his hands. You gasped, clutching onto his shoulders, your laughter bubbling up again. “God, William!” you shrieked, kicking your feet playfully. He laughed together with you, holding you tighter as he began to wade deeper into the water.

♡ “You’re going to get us both soaked,” he said, but there was a grin on his face as he dipped down toward the sea, the water nearly reaching your feet as he mockingly bowed to the waves. “Careful, princess, or I’ll drop you right in,” he teased, making you cling to him even tighter.

♡ “You wouldn’t dare,” you laughed, though you couldn’t help but cling to him more, wrapping your arms around his neck as he pretended to bow again, dipping you dangerously close to the water. The sea glistened beneath you. 

♡ “Oh, I would,” he replied as he dipped even lower, making you gasp and clutch onto him with everything you had. 

“William!” you cried through your laughter, burying your face into his neck. He laughed along with you, straightening up.

♡ “I’d never drop you, you know that, sweetheart,“ he said, his voice softer now, both playfulness and gentleness in his tone as he looked down at you, his arms still wrapped around you protectively.

“Yeah, I know”