#beneath the boardwalk

[junedenim]

2012

beneath the boardwalk, part 10 (series masterlist)

why'd you only call me when you're high?

warnings: a whole lot of angst, temptation, nostalgia, and nothing

word count: 10.4k

Squished between two couch cushions watching Real Housewives, I got a call from Alex. "Did I wake you?" He questioned. It was late or early depending on who you asked. I had been woken up from a cold I was suffering from. He had never gone to bed.

"No, no, I'm just sitting around, suffocating," I complained. His voice was rough, but not thick with phlegm like mine. He chuckled in a rhythmic format, beat after beat. He sounded like he was sinking into himself, his flesh turning to goo. I heard his lips smack together as if he was chewing on a piece of hay. I coughed, the harshness reaching him miles and miles away. "You alright?"

"Yeah." I think he was chewing gum. "Just got home."

I hummed with understanding. "Did you have a nice night?"

He made a noise of indifference. "How long you been sick?"

"Two days now and it's not getting any better." I sniffled and stuffed a tissue up my nostril, thankful that I lived alone. "Think I caught it at a New Year's Party. I'm worried I have mono."

"Why? You've been kissing a bunch of people?" His words hung in the middle of us. Both of us moving on from one another had been unspoken. We were still on a break for all intents and purposes, even if he was with Arielle. Another thing we never talked about. 

I gave the best laugh I could do without coughing. "It's supposed to be good luck. I also ate 12 grapes and banged bread against the wall."

"Did you really?" He amusingly asked.

"No, well, not the bread part." I sighed. "Now, I'm just sitting on the couch watching shitty reruns. I can't fall back asleep."

"Neither can I," he said.

I hesitated and curled up under my blanket. "Is that why you called me at 4 in the morning?" I said it with a laugh to ease any tensions that may arise.

"It's only 1 here."

"Right. I forgot about the time difference." It didn't seem right for him to be so far away permanently. None of this seemed like the correct order of things. It was a misalignment but there could be no corrective measure.

"Yeah, I kind of did too." There was a pause like he was thinking things over. Like he might have had something to say but now he couldn't find it. "I'll let you go then." In more ways than one.

*

Alex was a cloud. He was away on tour, far away and out of reach. We talked less but not intentionally. We both just got really busy and we didn't need each other for that constant contact anymore. I was plummeting toward the wildest time of my life and he was up to his usual unable-to-contact schedule. Somewhere in Australia first then opening for The Black Keys. Plus, he had Arielle.

The new girlfriend thing didn't bug me much, at least, not in the form of jealousy. It was a strange thing. I hadn't fully adjusted to the idea but it was much easier when he was nowhere near my life. If it had happened when we were younger, I think I would've punished myself for it, but I had grown into a far lighter figure who understood not everyone was trying to make a mark against me. Alex was living his own life, which for the past few years had been dedicated to one person. It was "seeing what else was out there."

I was alone for the most part. I saw Jackson nearly every day, whether for work or leisure, but I was getting used to being alone for long grasps of time. I spent time writing in my notebook like the old days. A therapy session that I locked away in a drawer. I rotted in my room for days. I watched all of The Sopranos, practiced the splits, and thought about getting a cat. It was winter and a very boring time.

But around the end of January, I did my first interview. It was small and nothing huge, but it was talking about my work in-depth for the first time with a stranger. I pretended I was talking to Alex.

Alex and I didn't stop talking completely. I called him on his birthday, briefly, and we had a long chat toward the end of January where we caught up with one another. Neither of us had much to tell. He had been touring. I had been crawling around New York doing next to nothing, besides book matters and talking about my "marketability."

Alex laughed at this. "Yeah, they tend to do that. Try to whittle you down to one trait."

"It's making me feel insecure." I laughed at it but it felt small inside me, burning its way out.

Alex hummed in agreement. "Well, at least you're not a pimple-ridden kid doing it."

It wasn't something he talked about much. He hated people giving him attention, yet he was in a career that commanded eyes to be focused on him. It was one of our many skimmed-over conversations. In some ways, it made me feel like I didn't know Alex. We both hid parts of ourselves from one another and knew that the other did this. That burning curiosity we used to have probably went out once we started to live with one another. You know someone for long enough that it begins to feel like you know every inch of them. I slept with him night after night but I wondered if I ever knew what was ticking on in his head before he fell asleep. What was he thinking when he sat outside with a closed notebook? Why did he turn away?

I didn't even know why I turned away. I wrote repeatedly in my notebook, questioning why I couldn't make it work with Alex. I resisted jumping into a relationship because of that. If I couldn't make it work with Alex then it probably wouldn't work with anyone, especially during that portion of my life. I didn't know what it meant to be alone, like really alone.

I deflected a lot. I even deflected earlier in this book. I was devastated by the loss of Alex and I don't think it hit me until much later because I always had an anvil weighing on the back of my head telling me it wasn't over. Arielle complicated those ideals and I think for a while I was on my back unable to regain upright status. I was flailing.

That's why I paused. When 2012 hit, I was forced into a corner. I felt distant from who I was but still so far away from who I was becoming. I felt like I was the roots of the tree that had been cut down. I was left to be a stump.

One night, over a joint, I told Jackson I didn't feel British. Jackson, a Californian boy through and through, did not understand this. He laughed from the high while the smoke just made me more disoriented. He told me that I was "perfectly British." To me, that sounded like some marketing strategy. That's what the book would be marketed as—a British girl coming to America; her cold skin meeting the California sun. It made me hate the book. Or I hated myself, the lines were blurring.

I thought I had grown away from forms of jealousy. I have just previously insisted to you that I experienced no feelings of envy toward Arielle...but I did. It was ignored and then it couldn't be. The "R U Mine?" music video featured Arielle and a "new" Alex. I'm not a fan of the insinuation Alex suddenly changed after we broke up, besides his hair and fresh Sheffield tattoo, I would come to know Alex was exactly the same. Alex never quite changes. He's always been suave. It's hard to take a 20-year-old as seriously as a 25-year-old, especially when he is still pimple-ridden.

I found my jealousy toward Arielle in regard to "R U Mine?" was the same as when Alex showed me "Bigger Boys and Stolen Sweethearts" because, honestly, since then Alex's only explicit romantic muse (the word makes me want to barf, but that's what I was) was me. It's the weird thing of being with a writer, especially with personal subjects. It's beautiful when it's for you but then you realize that it was never really for you. It was about you. Alex didn't write a song to make me feel loved. He wrote a song because he liked writing songs.

Unknowingly, I always felt that. It's why I didn't swoon every time I heard "Mardy Bum." I loved it as a song but it didn't feel like a love letter. I felt Alex's love in far different ways. As the years went on, I would find love letters in songs, but at the center, I found his love in crevices: a note from college, a smoke outside a pub, a cooked meal, folded laundry—god, I sound old.

But his love wasn't restricted to those songs. Just as my love isn't restricted to this tome. This is a love letter in pieces for Alex but it's also for my youth. I found around this time, I began to reflect on those early years. Nearly 10 years out from 2003, I became a preservationist. I jotted down my memory of my first conversation with Alex. I tucked it away in my drawer, no use for it yet.

*

Alex called me on my birthday. He wasn't too far away, somewhere between Portland and Boston on a bus. It was late with only an hour left to my birthday, which I had spent drinking with friends. It was a rather simple birthday. It could've been just another night, minus the cake (red velvet with frosted flowers on top of it) that Fennel and Kaka purchased for me.

Alex texted me in the morning. Something akin to Hey. Happy birthday. Al.

It was formal and if it didn't make me laugh so much I think I'd be hurt by it. But Alex always texted like that as if he was penning a letter. The letter was awfully short but it was sent at 4 AM, which made me believe he either had no sleep or had just woken up.

I was expecting more and I got more. When I was drunk.

"Hi," I said, shoving the phone to my ear as a subway train came roaring by.

He chuckled, hearing the noise. "Hi." He waited for it to pass fully before continuing, "Happy birthday."

"Thank you."

"Did you spend it good?"

"Yeah. I'm pretty drunk."

"Alright, then, I won't keep you long."

"No," I insisted. "Stay on the phone with me." I was pleading. I didn't want to let go of him. "At least, until I'm home." I wasn't far away but I lied and acted like I was further away, keeping him on the line with me, even as we lost connection at various times.

"Sorry I didn't get you anything," he said halfway through the subway ride.

"I didn't get you anything,” I reminded him.

"Yeah. Feels weird."

We hummed in silence because we both knew how abnormal this was. We weren't friends. Alex and I were never friends. Nothing ever went away or could ever go away. We were struggling to redefine what we were. We could never disentangle from one another. It pulled us back toward one another, even when we shouldn't have.

"I was going to get you that, uh, milkshake maker so you wouldn't have to pay extra at Morgenstern's for one." I didn't know a person could get so emotional over a milkshake maker that they would feel like crying on the F train. I might be the only person ever.

It was such a stupid gift. I would probably get two uses out of the machine before it broke and it wouldn't be as good as Morgenstern's makes theirs and it would go to waste. Still, I can imagine if he did get it for me. How after I unwrapped it we would go to Morgenstern's and get a pint of ice cream and Alex would make me a milkshake. One just for me. If I was feeling generous enough, we'd share the straw.

None of this would have happened, even if we were together. He'd still be in between Portland and Boston and I'd still be riding the F, wishing he was with me. It was comforting that maybe I had done the right thing, even if it felt so hard.

"Well, you can get it for me for Christmas."

He laughed and said, "Okay."

*

Black leather loafers with black wool flannel trousers. A white poplin shirt, two buttons loose at the top and at the bottom. I had a black corduroy jacket that Jackson held for me. I felt like I was dressing up in my mother's clothes. I was doing book press. It was an unfitting experience but I held the hardcover book in my hand. It felt unnatural but I liked my authour's photo.

By that point, I was so far removed from the contents of the book. I started to second-guess it even coming out. It felt like my diary, even if it was evasive at times and cut out the personal from that time (Alex is not mentioned once, not even as the person I moved to LA for). Still, it was exposing, but it was real now and it was sitting in my hand.

Alex came to town a week later, opening for The Black Keys. I didn't see the show—things were getting too busy by that point. I asked Alex if we could meet for a quick lunch and he accepted.

We met at Westville, a cute restaurant, but by no means romantic. I felt a need for that to be clear. I worried about Arielle worrying that I was trying to "steal" Alex or whatever that meant. I don't think she ever did. After all, she had the guy and I was resigned with no longer having the guy. It wasn't the bitch fight it has been imagined to be.

I waited for Alex outside the restaurant, smoking a cigarette to achieve my all-time high of cigarettes per day (this was not a good year for my lungs). I dressed in jeans and a T-shirt. I wanted to look cool but relaxed. I wore the previously mentioned black loafers to make it look like I didn't roll out of bed and throw some jeans on.

Alex wore the same thing: jeans, T-shirt, loafers...and a leather jacket. It was a hotter March day when spring was beginning to peek through and relieve the bitterness of winter. He was across the street stuck at a streetlight and I waved to him and he waved back. Then, we just stared at each other, waiting for the light to turn green.

He crossed, said hi, and hugged me. Every move was made with slight awkwardness. We hadn't been alone together since he moved out. "Have you been waiting long?" He asked.

I shook my head. "Got here early, just for a smoke. Do you want to go in now?"

"Yeah. Yeah." He bobbed his head.

I put my cigarette out and he followed me into the restaurant. "Your hair is back to normal." My natural brown. It was better for me to not play pretend when promoting a book about my own life.

"Yours isn't," I commented. It came off snarkier than I wanted it to.

He shrugged and smiled to ease the thick fat of awkwardness. "Yeah, well, you know." He didn't say it but this was the new normal for him, which was fine, but it was different from what I knew. When I dreamed about him or pictured him, it was still with a curling mop top or, you know, just the mop if I was dreaming of '09.

"Tattoo too," I added.

"Yeah."

"You're a changed man."

"Yeah."

Our heads ducked down and we stared at the menus in silence. It was a challenge of who would speak first—seriously speak, not those little comments over what looks good.

After we ordered, I said, "Sorry I'm not able to go tonight."

He waved me off. "You've already been to too many shows. Don't worry."

"Well, I like going. It feels weird not to go."

"Yeah." Somewhere in that word, I knew what he meant. It had been years since Alex had the ability to spot people in the crowd, but he told me once that there was a comfort in knowing I was somewhere in there, that even if he messed up, there would always be someone there at the end of it all. I wonder if he was still getting used to someone else being at the end of it all.

He sipped his water to cut off the look on his face. I decided to cut to the fat of it. "I, uh, have something to give you."

"Why do I feel like it's something bad?" He cracked a laugh, lifting the air in the room.

I picked up my bag. "I hope not."

I dug through my things slowly. It was held in my hands but I still had to catch my breath before I lifted it out. I saw a squint on his face as he tried to imagine what it was. I passed it across the table and his hands took it. That is when it all started to feel real; seeing his eyes land on it, his hands run down its spine with him smiling. "It's a first edition," I joked.

He raised an eyebrow, flipping it open. "Is it signed?" I laughed. I'm not sure what made me happier: him holding my book or joking around with him again. He opened the other end of the book. "Good author photo."

"I'm quite happy with it." Somewhere in that bittersweetness, I did feel content. It was never how I imagined him holding my first book. Parts of me were swallowed with sorrow that I would never experience this in the way I wanted—a desperate romantic lovemaking all-consuming kind of way—but there were small parts in me that were happy that we could still have this. I don't know if we kept dragging things out this would have been as joyous. That this would have felt like closure.

Alex looked up, meeting my eyes. A small smile played on his lips. The kind that can't be faked in any way. It was real and from the hurt. It was that pride he always had in me. The pride that kept me going for far longer than I'd ever imagined. I wrote the book, but he made the book. I never would've written anything close to it without him. I'd probably be stuck fucking Robert in London if it wasn't for him. It was my reassurance to him that he didn't have to make up for the sudden move to LA as he constantly tried to do. He wasn't in the book, but he was the book. It's why I dedicated it to him. It's why on the last page of his edition of the book I wrote: Don't make fun of me, Al. Thank you for this. I hope you know why. Love, Jane C.

I questioned the "love" part. I didn't want to make him uncomfortable but it would have been far more awkward to write something like "sincerely." I wasn't one for lying, especially about my love for Alex. It was something layered. It didn't rest in that romantic love. He wasn't just my boyfriend and he wasn't just my best friend. It's hard for a writer to find the word. It's nudged somewhere in this book. In all these little words.

"I wanted you to be the first to have it," I said. "Well, one of the first. Wanted to see the look on your face."

He looked back down at the book. Mild disbelief spread across his face as he looked back and forth between the book and me. "Thanks." He wasn't sure what else to say. He rolled everything around and looked as if he was choking on the bone of a chicken.

"It's been a little weird these past few months," I said while picking at my fingernails, an assured sign to Alex that I was referring to us. "I don't want it to feel weird. So, don't cry or anything," I joked.

He chuckled, dislodging the lump. He flipped the book over one more time before placing it on the table. "I'll try not to. I knew you could do it." He stared right at me, emphasizing every little syllable. The awkwardness faded from him and he leaned onto the table. His smile was small but bright. I could find a million different meanings in it, each meaning just as much.

"I know you did. You always did," I told him. "I had this dream last night. It was weird and blurry but we were driving around Sheffield or some weird ghost thing was driving us. It's hard to describe. I don't know. I think it was a sign or something. I'm not sure of what but just those early days of us talking. That's when I really started to write. I suppose my mind was thinking about this lunch and conjured up some old memories."

He smiled at me the whole time, eyes never leaving me, even when I glanced away. "Well, I had a dream that I was one of the animals left off of Noah's Ark, so, you tell me what that means."

I told him it had something to do with his fear of being left behind and he rolled his eyes and said I was trying to be Freud. Lunch came and we ate and laughed and agreed to split the check. He told me he would read the whole book tonight if he could. We hugged goodbye and he whispered in my ear, "I'll send you a proper review."

A few days later, Alex emailed me. It was long. Very long and detailed like he had taken a note on every page. He pulled the sentences he liked the most out, which turned out to be about half the book. I would later write back and ask what that meant for the other half of the book. He said they were left off Noah's Ark too. Continuing his initial email, Alex wrote at the bottom:

You did it. I hope you feel that too. Thank you, Al.

*

I had a book tour. A minimal one since there wasn't the highest of expectations and I didn't want to go to Omaha, Nebraska. So, there was Boston, New York, Atlanta, Chicago, Houston, and Los Angeles. I hated the whole thing. I always wanted to go to these places but I wasn't really going to these places. We lingered in Chicago at the end of July, but it was the equivalent of touring with Alex, except this time I was Alex.

I've never enjoyed talking about my work either but it was nice that people thought it was nice. But that part still felt awkward to me too. Like, people actually read this??? It eased up as it went along. It was a short tour anyway. I wasn't going to Tokyo or anything.

I thought about myself a lot. It was a little lonely but I had adapted to that. Jackson was my only company on the road and it was easy for us to get sick of one another. We had both grown bored with one another, both slightly exhausted from these months so closely intertwined. I thought about Al, often. I thought about myself, often.

Could it be possible that I did everything right? No. I never thought that but I didn't think I did everything wrong. I had cracks in the surface of me and guts that spilled out. I said everything with my pen but nothing with my lips. I hid myself under the disguise of a freshly lonesome girl who knew the only means to move on was to forget. But I didn't forget anything, only myself, just for a little. Pieces of me dropped on the side of the highway. We drove for days and I found no meaning in it, only wondering did he feel like this all the time? How did he bear this loss of self?

I asked myself questions and never got any answers. I felt everything but there was never any meaning in it. There were closed-off vessels, no means to transport blood or oxygen, yet, I was still moving. I suppose that was the only thing left to cling to. I still had the memory of it and those never made me sad. I experienced it. How fortunate was I to be cracked open and exposed to this impenetrable love? I still felt it. We were both on the end of the same wire. It was bent and twisted, knots made to keep strong but disrupt transmission. No love lost. Just changed. I know good comes from change. I didn't feel the goodness but I could taste it coming. So much else was happening. I would hate myself forever for wasting those precious few days of enjoyment in place of a relationship that didn't need nourishment anymore. It was about me. I wanted it to be about me for so long and it finally was. Don't waste it.

The mini-tour ended in LA at the start of August. Summer had whipped me in the face so hard I forgot the season even existed, until I was stuck in the sweaty, SoCal heat, dying for a drop of water. The first night—the day before the Q&A and book signing—Jackson and I got dinner and drinks with Opal.

It was nice to let loose after feeling so pinned up for most of the summer. The liquor soothed my sunburnt skin and I decided the tour as a whole wasn't too bad—I was about 3 drinks in at this point. Then, after another drink, I texted Alex telling him I was in town. The last we chatted was a week or so before when the band opened for the London Olympics. I watched it later on YouTube and told him he did a bang-up job. He told me he nearly shat himself.

Alex had returned to LA since. The city had become his permanent home since the tour had ended. He bought a house out here and everyone in the band, for the most part, had relocated too. So, in my drunken state, I told him I was there and we should hang before I went back to New York.

When I woke up, it was an embarrassing text of I'm in LA, AL. Even in my drunken state, I wrote with proper grammar. Alex wrote back, Come on over. This was in the early hours of the day so he must have been up by some similar means too.

The following night, I panicked. I wondered if this is what single people felt like all the time. Prior to this, I had never faced intimidation when hanging out with Alex, except maybe when I was 17 and that type of thing could be labelled as teenage anxiety. But, no, this was a thing that would plague me the rest of my dating life and I wasn't even going on a date with him. Alex is the only "ex" I had stayed in contact with up to that point. Most of my friends didn't do this type of thing either, at least not Opal who lived by the mentality that once people were gone they were gone forever.

Half my anxiety came from the limited wardrobe out of my suitcase but considering it was just dinner and a dinner that would be had with the other bandmates and the girlfriends, there should've been no pressure. I wouldn't have told you this at the time, I barely want to write it down now, but the nerves I felt weren’t because of Alex, they were because of Arielle. Part of me wanted to be conceived as a non-threat. I was over those days. The other part of me—the stronger part—wanted her to be jealous of me and question why Alex and I ever broke up. I wasn't fully-formed yet. 

The two sides fought and then I just settled on jeans and a tank top because it was boiling outside and I was having drinks at Al's place, not the Windsors. Luckily, I showed up after Jamie and Katie so I thought of using Katie as a shield. I didn't accept Katie and Arielle to be talking though. The word traitor crossed through my brain and then I thought I must be regressing to my college days when Rosie and Will would feel each other up in front of me. Arielle was nice and I was probably an anxious bitch.

So, I hugged both of them as Alex came into the living room. He was staggering, dressed casually beside his uniform slicked hair. "Hey there," he greeted. He was calm, not an awkward bone in his body. He knew he had the upper hand. We were on his home turf with his hot girlfriend and I was a single mess who had been on plane after plane and stunk of cigarettes.

The room was hot with sweat dripping off every surface it seemed. The air conditioner was running but the flaming air came rushing in with the swing of the front door as Matt and Breana entered. The room became distracted by them, both looking darling. I hugged each of them, distracting myself in their grasp.

Arielle had lit candles for the dining table. It was the only thing formal about the informal event. The house itself was rather bare. Alex never carried much, I was always the one with the shit. 

Alex tapped my arm. "You want a drink?"

"What do you have?" I asked.

He waved his arm and I followed him to the kitchen, isolating ourselves. "Beer, wine, tequila, vodka, all the fixings. I can make you something if you'd like. Margarita?"

"Anything non-alcoholic?" Alcohol would ease my nerves but it would lead to my loud mouth and I couldn't afford that tonight.

He looked bewildered. "Who are you?" He joked.

We kept our distance. I pushed my hair behind my shoulder. "Got real drunk with Opal and Jackson last night. Figured I'd keep it clean. At least for now."

"Right then. Iced tea?"

He knew me well. I laughed at his smile and agreed to this. I moved closer to the refrigerator to just feel the cold air on my skin. He poured the glass, leaving the door open for me. I chugged the coldness like it was the elixir of life. It felt like my lungs re-inflated when the liquid dispersed and his eyes looked at mine again, so clearly over that fogged-up glass. Wet brown eyes into my baby blues and it felt like he might reach out and snatch them out of my eyes and keep them for himself. He always liked them. He has a thing for blue eyes.

We talked around the dining table, eating a mix of something Arielle had cooked and pizza. I had the pizza. Everyone talked loosely about things I had no knowledge of. Jokes about LA and all these people I had no concept of. I suppose if they had come to New York it would have been similar, except they all shared this with one another.

The sweet Breana turned the attention onto me, which partially made me shrink and revel in the joy of being included. "Oh, Jane, I loved the book!" Everyone chanted in similar sentiments all at once.

I laughed and took a bite of my pizza crust. "You didn't all read it," I laughed.

"I read parts of it," Jamie said. They were all sweet but I'm unsure how often any of them even had the chance to pick up a book, let alone their best friend's ex-girlfriend. Because that's what I was now. That was my title.

Alex looked at me. I could hear my mother's words ringing through his lips so I smiled and said, "Thank you."

"Disappointed I wasn't in it more," Matt said. "You know if it wasn't for me the book would've never been made." The long story of it has made that true but I can't give Matt credit for everything, it might go to his head too much.

"How's that?" Arielle asked. Everything shifted after that. We could all tell that she had been the wrong one to ask that question. Whether she was clueless and curious or was trying to make a dig at Alex, I wasn't sure, but I felt like an imposition being there. I didn't feel like an out-of-town friend. I felt like an ex-girlfriend.

Nobody spoke so I spoke. "Matt introduced me and Alex." I sipped my drink to wash down any other awkwardness.

Everyone seemed awkward other than Arielle. She quickly nodded and said, "Oh, yeah, Al told me that." I wondered why everyone else was so stiff when Arielle didn't seem to have much of a problem with it. Why should she when she looked like that?

I felt frumpy and had to pee badly from all the iced tea I had drank but I was too scared to go to the bathroom and see her things mixed with Alex's things. I could leave there with ambiguity and the belief that Alex didn't move on so quickly and I was stuck being alone.

"That was our first gig," Matt said. He seemed to relax, always the person to slice through any amount of tension. "Almost 10 years ago now."

"What was it like?" Arielle asked.

"Awful," Alex said. His eyes pointed toward me. "Right?"

"I don't know. I never reviewed it, remember?" He laughed and it felt inappropriate to display this inside language in front of everyone. "It feels weird that I'm the only one here who watched it." Even if that had been the case for many years, it had been a while since we all gathered around in a circle and talked about those days.

"I wasn't even there," Nick remarked. The room buckled with chuckles.

I laid my forehead against the palm of my hand resting against the table. "God," I said, "I spent that whole show with Will’s hand on my ass and Joanie screaming in my ear."

"Oh, god, Joanie," Matt muttered.

"Oh, god, Will," Jamie cracked.

"She got married last month," I told them. She had invited me but I was in the middle of the tour. We talked about once a year and everything was always nice. The only time I would've had the chance of running into her was when Alex and I visited Sheffield and that obviously wasn't happening anymore.

"Bless that man's heart," Matt quipped.

I shook my head. "No, she seems to have settled down in the last few years. I guess we all did. Seems so long ago."

"It was," Alex said. "We're getting old, Janie." His silence punctured the air. My lungs felt like they were deflating. He poured himself another glass.

Things grew looser and looser. They rattled off stories of LA, I rattled off stories from the road. Arielle excused herself to bed, citing an early morning. Her bed was upstairs.

Each couple left one by one until Alex and I awkwardly remained. I figured then I should leave. He walked me to the door with a freshly poured glass in his hand. "Hope I didn't keep you up too late," I said because I wasn't sure what else to say. It reminded me of what my parents said to each other after a fight. It was the one thing they clung to in order to keep their marriage somehow working.

He shook his head and sipped. "No, no. It's fine. You're always good company."

I shrugged. The whole thing kind of felt awkward, at least with him. I could laugh with Matt and throw my arm around Katie, even hug Arielle good night, but whenever my eyes landed on Alex, I tensed up so tightly I knew I'd be sore the next day. "If you're ever in New York or whatever."

He nodded and smiled. He would be visiting his old apartment. I wondered how that would make him feel. Was it the same when I walked into his house and noticed different shoes by the door than mine? Would the emptiness of his presence leave him uneasy? "I'd like that," Alex said.

"Thanks for having me." We reached the door and the end of the night but we stayed awkwardly staring at each other.

"Course. Text me when you're back at the hotel and safe and all that." He was drunk, rambling with an incapability of holding his tongue.

I smiled. "I will."

I didn't know whether to hug him or not. He leaned forward and kissed me. It wasn't affectionate. It was a peck. The kind my mother used to give me when left for school in the morning. Of course, she was my mother and I was 7 and Alex was drunk and I was, well, awkward. 

I said, "Night," and turned away. We never talked about it because there was nothing to talk about. It very well could have been a kiss on the cheek just like I gave Katie and Breana before they left. Of course, that was Katie and Breana and this was Alex—no longer mine.

*

Rain pattered against the window. Jackson and I returned to New York a week prior and we were now sitting in my apartment, drinking, and about to call Opal to join us. I felt dizzy and Jackson looked sleepy. It had been a long month.

"So," he said, "what's next?"

I finished off my glass. "What do you mean?" The year felt empty as the cold was beginning to creep into my summer warmth. 2012 was a bumpy year where so much yet so little happened. I was growing sick of my apartment because no matter how rid it was of Alex, he still had a whole life with me here. When I returned to it after the book tour, I was ready to move on.

Jackson placed his arm on the back of the couch. The tips of his fingers softly poked at my shoulder. "Now it's time to think about the next book."

I tossed my head back with a groan. "Gimme a break."

He chuckled and placed his empty glass on the end table. "No rush. For now."

I sat up straight, finishing off my glass, and growing more and more serious every day. "Thanks for doing this for me, Jackson."

He nodded. "My pleasure."

"I feel kind of empty," I confessed.

His brows furrowed. "What do you mean?"

I didn't feel like explaining it. I was growing tired of doing that with people. My stomach ached and I pushed Alex out of my mind. I felt that I had sacrificed our relationship for this success, even if it wasn't true. I thought I would have been over it by that time of year. It had been over a year. But it still felt so unnatural for him to feel so far removed from my life. Every word we spoke felt tinged with sadness and I didn't want it to feel that way. I wanted to move on.

I kissed Jackson. He kissed back. We never called Opal.

*

Jackson and I started dating in a casual way. We were exclusive to one another and treated each other as a boyfriend and girlfriend would but I suppose my association with dating was always a far deeper connection. I wasn't alone in this. Jackson had long-term girlfriends prior to me. He was older than me, not by some outrageous amount. He was born in 1979, seven years older, but I was 26 and 33 didn't feel so far off.

Opal loved it. She felt like the ultimate matchmaker and wanted to be both the maid of honor and the best man. My New York crew loved him. Fennel and Kaka found him to be rich in conversation. He liked going out more than Alex but then again most people liked going out more than Alex. Except more and more it seemed Alex enjoyed the going out part. (I was taken but I was still a snooping ex-girlfriend).

I didn't tell Alex. It felt awkward to call him up and tell him I got a new boyfriend. I decided to tell him when I saw him again, which didn't come up. He was in Los Angeles. I was in New York. We didn't talk very often either. I think I called him once in October because I couldn't remember the name of a restaurant we went to (he didn't remember either). 

Other than that, there wasn't much reason to talk. We had completely separate lives. But I was aware of what he was up to. I wasn't cyber-stalking him much anymore (only on nights when I was wildly intoxicated). I talked to Katie occasionally and texted Breana from time to time. Things about Alex would slip through the cracks and get to me but the majority of it was just that they were recording their new album.

We had both moved on. Or we were both pretending we did. At least I was pretending, in some form. I thought about him all the time. I didn't feel like a day went by when I didn't think about him. It wasn't in some romantic longing way. I had shared a life with him from such a young age and to be forced apart from it felt unnatural. There were so many jokes and stories that went untold because no one would get it but him.

When I went back home for the holidays, I confided this to my mother. I don't know why, maybe because of what she had told me so many years ago in Florida. I don't know if my mother ever actually liked Alex so I figured if she said awful things about him it would make me feel better. Of course, she didn't.

"It goes away," she said. "One day, you wake up and you're numb to it. You just get numb to it in the end, Jane. All those people you hated and loved turn to nothing. Even the ones you still want to love. You'll be thankful for it when the day comes that you don't feel anything anymore."

I frowned and my mother left me on the couch to fetch another bottle of wine. In retrospect, my mother was suffering from mental illness, but I was oblivious to that because I had grown oblivious to most of my mother's behavior. I just didn't want to engage with it anymore. Maybe part of me was numb toward her.

I didn't want to feel nothing. I couldn't imagine not feeling anything for Alex, even if we remained friends for the rest of our lives. I had tethered so much sentimentality toward him, he might as well have been a knick-knack on my shelf. Letting go of him would be letting go of an entire part of myself. I was content if that part only came out once a year when I saw him but I couldn't let go of it forever.

*

Joanie was having a baby. She likely got pregnant on her honeymoon. Someone my age having a child felt unnatural. I pictured Joanie being a teen mum, not a 26-year-old pregnant woman. She invited me to the baby shower taking place right after Christmas. It was ideal timing since all her closest friends would be in town or, like me, the country.

I debated going but decided that since I missed the wedding the least I could do was go to the baby shower. So, I drove the Beetle up to Wakefield. I figured it would be a mini-reunion. The only one I had seen as of late was Claire, who lived in Bristol now, and I hadn't seen since last winter.

We drove up together and listened to Radio 2 on full blast the whole way. I don't think I had ever felt more like a teenager even when I was a teenager. Claire continued her streak of always being a comfort for me. While other friends might be wedding and birthing, Claire had just ended her two-year-long relationship and gagged in her mouth at the thought of being a mother one day. 

It made me miss England so desperately. I forgot how much I ached to drive, which I hadn't done in years. The closest I had gotten to a car was the one taxi ride home drunk at 4 AM. And to drive on the left side of the road! I hadn't heard someone speak in a British accent since the dinner at Alex's. It eased my ears and made me wonder why I ever left, which just led to me thinking about Alex again.

Claire said, "I hate Alex, which sucks 'cause I like Alex." In a way, it summed up how conflicted I felt. Hate is a strong word but I was resentful for how everything went down. Then again, I probably didn't have much of a right.

Joanie's house was straight out of a picture book. I didn't know houses like that even existed in Wakefield. It wasn't fancy but at the sight of it, you'd call it a home. She had a little garden in the front that she said her husband grew herbs in that she used for cooking. It made Claire and I roll our eyes but we both desperately wanted that kind of companionship. If I ever would learn how to cook or grow plants, maybe that could be my life. I refused to do either, but it was a nice thought.

I bought Joanie—or Joanie's baby—these cozy fleece booties because that's what New York Magazine said to get. I never bought anything for a baby before (I got away with it two years ago during Harper's unmentioned pregnancy of my first nephew, Benjamin, by having my mother buy a gift for me) so I had no clue what to get. I bought Joanie this nice set of body washes that were her favourite when we were 17 with the hope that they either still were or she would feel nostalgic over them.

Claire and I ate a slice of cake and watched Joanie open her presents. Halfway through we turned to each other and decided we were going to go out drinking after. I love Joanie but oohing and awing over baby gifts with a bunch of women I barely knew got old quickly, especially incredibly sober and in the middle of the winter blues. The cake was good though.

The shower ended around 4 and while I was down to get hammered that early, Claire wanted to go out to lunch first. We ended up meeting up with AB at a pub. I hadn't seen AB since 2006 and I nearly cried at the sight of him all grown up. Claire and AB had broken up long ago but stayed in touch as good friends and if they could do it—two incredibly mature people—maybe Alex and I could too. 

AB's girlfriend of two years (and future wife), Shay, joined us as well. It almost made me barf how gorgeous they were together and I was shocked Claire wasn't fuming more over how beautiful Shay was. I was almost fuming over how beautiful Shay was!

AB sipped on a beer, which I don't think I had ever witnessed. He shared it was Shay and I swallowed down my drink at the painful thought that Alex and I once did things like that. I was such a sad sack. I thought about calling Jackson. Thank god I didn't.

We left the pub, hugging AB and Shay goodbye next to the Beetle. Claire and I were going to go back to the hotel to change out of our baby shower clothes and "hit the town.”

We waved goodbye to the couple and that's when I saw Alex with his mum. I turned my back to him and grabbed Claire's arm. "I think I'm gonna vomit."

She looked at me completely puzzled. "What? Why?"

I was so freaked out by the sight of him. I think the unexpected nature of it threw me off-balanced. I had never been that unnerved by the sight of him. My head felt like my brain was about to burst out of my ears. "Get in the car," I harshly muttered to her.

She was still unaware but she raced around the side of the car to get into the passenger seat. We bolted out of there before he crossed the street.

*

It was midnight when I called him. I was definitely drunk, but not wasted, standing outside a club smoking while Claire chatted up with some guy inside. I was freezing and felt so childish for doing it, even in the moment, but I wanted to see him. It shouldn't feel right that I was here and he wasn't.

"Hello." His voice was clear so he hadn't been sleeping. I wonder if he was in bed (with Arielle).

I swallowed whatever dignity I had left and let the rest loose. "Hey. I'm in Wakefield for Joanie's baby shower 'cause apparently we're old enough to have children now and now I'm out with Claire at a club. We drove up together from Bath, well, Bristol for her, Bath for me, but you know that. Jesus. I saw you earlier today and raced into my car because I was so scared by the sight of you, which made me realize I'm not as mature as I thought I was. And it was just after we went to lunch with AB and Shay and Claire and AB still get along like they didn't have this romantic relationship and I know that we get along too but I raced to my car and nearly shit myself. Now, I'm outside a club smoking in the middle of winter because I apparently regress back to teenage tendencies when I'm in Yorkshire or maybe just England in general. Anyway, I'm drunk and I'm thinking this was stupid and it probably is but I know you're probably laughing at me right now but I'm freezing my ass off and I can't figure out how to get back inside the club and Claire isn't answering her phone, which means she's probably shagging someone or something and I wouldn't want to interrupt that, you know, and I probably should just get a cab back to the hotel but I called you for some reason. Well, not for some reason because I'm drunk. Okay, now you talk."

I was out of breath and sure I had just lost my mind. I need another shot of tequila. I felt I was growing too sober to face the repercussions of this. I took a drag of my cigarette and listened to his breathing on the other end of the line.

I could hear his smile. I still had a knack for that kind of thing. "I saw you too, you know."

I slapped my forehead and thought about slamming my head into the brick wall until it broke my skull and my brain gushed out. "Did it look like we were being held at gunpoint?"

He chuckled lowly. "A little. But I must've looked like someone pointed a gun at me. I'd recognize that car anywhere, Janie."

I didn't know what to say. My car was such a sensitive topic for both of us. It was the cornerstone (ha) of our relationship, especially for the car to be returned to its rightful county. I thought I'd feel weird driving it but everything felt right like it was a complete homecoming. Like nature had found its way and every piece fell perfectly into the puzzle.

"I thought I would be grown up by now," I confessed.

He suppressed a laugh. "I like you this way. Makes me feel less alone."

"How so?"

He waited, not wanting to fully let the truth go but it was me he was talking to. There wasn't much point in lying. "I've called you in various states of intoxication too."

"Not after running to your car," I pointed out.

"Yeah, well, I'm sure I'll do it one of these days." It was a silence but a vibration rang across the line to one another. Call it a vibe or a wavelength or just a feeling, but I could feel him like he was standing right next to me. "Where are you?"

It was so embarrassing I laughed. "Che & Coco." It was Barnsley College's resident bar and nightclub. The average age of the crowd was barely 20 and I felt like such a loser trying to claim that nostalgia is what made me want to club there.

"Geez, you really are down bad." His laughter rang through the phone and I nearly hung up due to how beet red my face was. He laughed and laughed. I could picture him with his hands on his knees, walking home from Will's house, unable to breathe he was laughing so hard. Then, I couldn't breathe. "You want me to pick you up?"

I'd like that a lot but I couldn't take it. That was a bridge too far. "No, no. I'll just call a taxi or something. Maybe even walk. My hotel isn't that far."

"You're gonna walk in Barnsley at midnight? Hope you don't get hit with a beer bottle," he joked. That had happened to Will back in the day. I'm convinced it made him even dumber if that's possible.

"I've walked later than this in New York," I reasoned.

"Janie," he stopped me, "I'd like to see you if you won't run away from me."

I sighed. "I'll see you in 20. I'll be waiting on Peel." Because maybe I would like to see him too.

He pulled up in his mum's car. It wasn't her car from way back in the day but it made him feel sophomoric to me. His hair wasn't gelled up, instead falling around in tendrils of combed-back magic. He had a hoodie on and a smile on his face. He honked the horn of the car and I dashed across the street to his car.

The car was warm, at least warmer than outside where I had been suffering. I tugged my coat closer and put my seatbelt on. "Hi."

Alex smiled over at me. "Hi." He pulled back onto the road and I couldn't remember the last time he had driven me. "How've you been?"

I shrugged in his peripheral vision. "Fine. Christmas was fine. My dad bought me Slouching Toward Bethlehem."

Alex laughed. "About 10 years too late."

"Yeah, but at least he's trying. I can't remember the last time he bought me a gift." My mother handled all the presents, something she was rather good at, even if it always felt like she didn't know me.

We stopped at a red light. "I didn't get anything for you," he said while looking over at me.

"Well, I didn't get you anything either." First time in eight years. It didn't even cross my mind. "This is enough of a present anyway."

He nodded in agreement. "Good." I believed him. The nod of his head told me that this meant as much to me as it did to me. Drunk actions are sober thoughts and sometimes I just wanted to hear his voice.

We kept driving. I had yet to tell him any directions. He was headed the right way but I wouldn't have had the willpower to tell him anyway. I liked driving around with him. I liked just this. The vibration of the road beneath us and the scent of him washing over me. The slowness of Yorkshire and the heat of him beside me. It made everything feel right.

"Arielle come with you?"

He rubbed his eye. He looked tired. "Nah. She went to her parents’." I nodded and he waited, looking over at me. I stared at him blankly. He looked back at the road and kept the car moving. "What about, uh, Jackson?"

My head snapped toward him. "He's at his parents’." I picked at my nails. I didn't want to talk about this. Why did it feel like I was cheating on him? It felt like Alex had died and I was some widower trying to move on but his ghost was coming back to shame me.

"Katie mentioned something," he muttered.

"Yeah," I explained, "just a few months."

He nodded slowly. "He's a nice guy." I laughed out loud. He laughed too, for some reason. "What?"

I shook my head. "We don't have to talk about my boyfriend."

"Okay. We don't have to talk about Arielle." It was probably some form of cheating, emotionally. We gazed at one another and never acted on anything, but the aftertaste of it didn't feel right. But in the moment, everything had fallen perfectly into place.

We went nowhere and neither of us said a single thing about it. The drive from the club to my hotel was ten minutes. We drove around for an hour.

"Joanie's house is beautiful. It's like my dream house. It isn't big but it's not a cottage or anything. But it's quaint. She's got plants and I never thought Joanie could take care of a living thing and now she's gonna have a baby," I told him. I fiddled with the radio, even though we weren't gonna listen to it.

"Are you sure they aren't fake?" He joked. I chuckled and hit his shoulder. "Eh! Watch it. I'm driving here, missy."

I held my hands up as a defense. I eased them back down with a giggle and tugged on my seatbelt strap. "You know, I thought I'd have a baby by now."

He snorted. "No, you did not."

"At one point I did. I mean, back before you. Like when I was still playing with dolls." 

He laughed again and everything made sense. "Good thing you don't. You can't even keep a plant alive."

"They're not self-sufficient enough."

"And you think a baby will be easier?"

"Not anymore but at six I did! It was right around when Stacey was born. I took good care of her."

Alex felt warm with a smile. "You did." He was an only child but at times I felt he might consider her a sister too. She considered him a brother. He had been around since she was 11. She was only a little over a year away from graduating university. 

"Granted I didn't have to breastfeed her."

It was still dark outside but it felt like the sun was rising in that car. "You wouldn't be happy living Joanie's life."

"How do you know?" I questioned. "Maybe if I was settled I'd feel better."

Alex's jaw gaped. He breathed a laugh and I looked over at him curiously. "Jane, you'd be losing your mind. The whole time I knew you here, you were begging to get out of here."

"Maybe I had it all wrong."

He shook his head, never looking over at me, just driving. "You're a completely different person because you got out of here. You're gonna get all that stuff one day. The kid, the garden, whatever the fuck you want, but you'd never have what you have no if you stayed put. You always knew what you wanted. Your gut is always right. I've learned that."

I sighed and accepted he was right. "Grass is always greener, I guess."

"Yeah," he agreed. "But I think you have the greenest grass. You're the one who's a bestseller."

I rolled my eyes and leaned on the center console. "She's the one with the husband and baby."

He scoffed, "So is half the world. You have a tough time being proud of your accomplishments."

I gasped. "Look who's talking. My god!"

Alex chuckled and it felt like food for my soul. Fertilizer to my soil to keep growing. "Fair enough. But be cocky every once and a while, Janie. You deserve it."

I took what he said to heart but ignored him. I wanted to talk about something else. I wanted to put my feet in his lap and ride to Charlton Brook. Instead, I leaned back and looked at him. "We used to talk about the future so much and now it's come and gone."

"You're not dead yet." But we were. I think that's what I really meant. All those things I had planned with him and I had to be content with letting them go. Watching those promises slip through my fingers. I had no right to feel that way but it's all I felt.

I wanted to tell him I loved him with the windows rolled down and the cold air rushing in because he used to let me do that. I believe that right had been revoked. "I missed it here." The truth was hidden in those words, in between the lines, deep in those letters, stuffed in between them.

He hummed, glancing over. "Me too. Everything feels a little simpler."

I heard the radio speaking, ringing some familiar tune that I couldn't think of the name. Maybe if it had been a little simpler and Alex and I stayed there forever, in the car ride between Wakefield and High Green, we'd have a house, a garden, a ring, a little thing on the way. 

But I would've missed out on a lot more. I would have missed out on a lot of Alex. How he was with his hair long in the middle of Joshua Tree, looking over at me instead of the night sky. How he made up our bed in our London studio apartment into a couch because we didn't have enough space for one. How he felt sitting next to me on the C train at 2 AM. How he felt in the dead of winter in Yorkshire, somehow ending up at my hotel with a hoodie I used to wear and a smile he still wears just for me.

I'll never know otherwise. And that's fine.

*

a/n: this was a struggle but i think it landed right in the end. much, much more to come.

[dietmountaindewbae]

FETUS DOM AL BTB ERA PLZPLZ PLZ PLZ LOVE UR WORK SM

xxiv. she's so high

alex turner x reader

word count: 10816

summary: Alex (btb!) has a complicated relationship with you.

warnings: dr*gs, alcoh*l, fighting, degrad*ng.

song requests: the lotts, stoned again, teenage riot, about a girl, get drunk, i don’t belong, gouge away, breaking the girl & liberty belle.

──────────୨୧───────────

Since the beginning of your friendship with your best friend Maggy, you knew that your older brother Matt had something to do with her, always teased her, annoyed her, just to get her to talk to him, and when she finally realized how much he liked her, they were quick to start dating. Matt was cool, he filled in the shoes of the older brother and best friend role perfectly, your number one confidant, and your partner in crime, it was weird when they didn't see the three of you together, you thought it was best to let things be cool in between all of you. Besides, you knew Matt, and you knew your friend, and you saw this love blooming so beautifully.

Matt was very popular, and that's the only reason you were popular in the first place, Helder's little sister, ever since he and his mates played at The Grapes everyone was trying to be friends with you to get with any of the boys in the band, boys all over you since you took a change in style, even though you often saw them rehearse in the garage, you knew them all since little kids. Jamie, Andy, and Alex were Matt's childhood best friends, you liked them all, except for one.

"I can't believe Alex threw Matt's stick at me," Maggy laughs at you as you show her the bruise on your thigh, and the redness in your cheeks when you get mad.

"Sounds like someone fancies you" You rolled your eyes and scoffed, Maggy invited you to her house for a very-needed sleepover, just you and her so that you could work on some cool designs for the monkey's flyers, they had a significant gig coming soon, in a couple of days they were off to play at a club and if things went well they were only up from there. Maggy gave her opinions and talked to you while you kept writing by hand the font for their name.

"Piss off" Alex was a dickhead with you, he always did everything to get you mad ever since you became quiet around him, laughed at you when you called him a prick, or when your cheeks turned bright red, and your eyebrows were pushed together. Since you were kids he hasn't stopped bugging you and calling you Mardy Bum, you didn't despise him, you just hated how much he teased you, so much that you teased him in different ways. You knew he fancied you, but you never really did anything to give him hope.

"You know how boys are, look at me and Matt" You cross your arms, laying on the floor next to her, "Don't be so cold, one day you'll fall in lo-"

You scoffed and rolled your eyes, "Love, love, love... what is it good for?" Maggy nudged your shoulder, "Absolutely nothin'" Then you heard her phone buzzing from under the pillow, you bet it was Matt. She stood up from the ground and you kept gluing more pictures into the flyers so you could print them out for their gig.

"Wait..." You turn your head, and Maggy sits down to write back to Matt with a smile on her face, "Change of plans, get ready now, Matt's gonna pick us up... they're playing today, are the flyers ready?"

"Almost but... what do you mean they're playin' today, wasn't it tomorrow?" Maggie quickly changed into her clothes and started to do her makeup as fast as she could, putting some sparkly golden eye shadow in her eyes.

"I'm serious, finish that, and I'll pick your clothes, I'll do your makeup on the floor" You cut up more pictures of them as fast as you can, and stick some stickers into the paper as Maggy does your makeup at the speed of light, she sets up an outfit for you but you didn't get enough time to change, by the time the flyers were done Matt had already arrived with the guys in Andy's mum's van. Alex and Matt stepped out and jumped the brick wall into Maggy's garden, she waved hi at them and threw some clothes at Matt's face, "Come here, fast!" You couldn't believe you were crawling out the window with your pajamas and black boots on while Maggy was all glammed and ready for the night, the things you do for them.

She carefully crawled out and sat on the edge of her roof, Matt secured her legs and she jumped out of the roof with his help, they peck their lips lingeringly and you roll your eyes as you see who came to help you jump, you must be taking a piss.

Alex was waiting for you with his arms crossed, wearing a long-sleeved cherry red shirt and his vintage Levi's denim jacket and jeans to pair with his black Adidas, he was standing crossed arm bitting on his bottom lip, looking giddy and worried, looking around the place to make sure no one was watching us, you laughed at how much of a goodie he was, he wouldn't even dare to pull a quest like this ever, "Why are you standing like that? Are you some crook?" He smacks his lips and rolls his eyes as you throw him your heavy leather jacket, "Bet you're shitting yourself"

He scoffed and laughed nervously saying no with his head, but you knew his little heart was pumping fast and his tummy was twisting round and round, "Just get the fuck down Juliet" You kick his arm earning a quiet grunt from him, and his arm wraps around your thighs and you hold on to his shoulders as he helps you to get down from the roof, and when you land on the ground his hand lightly squeezes your ass.

"You're no Romeo" You hit him in the arm, and he kneels intertwining his fingers to catapult you to the other side of the wall, "I swear if you grab my arse again I will castrate you" He doesn't sound too threatened by you, even though you're squinting your eyes, and your eyebrows are in frown he ignores you.

"Are you gunna jump or what?" You grab some impulse and Alex jumps high enough to grip the edge of the wall, "Help me" He struggles, "Help me Mardy!" He demands with annoyance.

"Say you're sorry first" He rolls his eyes, you didn't care if he was hanging from the edge of a cliff, he had to apologize, even if you didn't care, you just wanted to hear that word coming out of his cocky mouth.

"Right, right... I'm sorreh Mardy..." His jaw clenched, and he didn't mean it at all but you were more than satisfied, you grabbed his hand tightly pulled him in and he sat next to you recovering his breath, "Does that get you off or what?" You both jump down and run to the van, Maggy sitting on Matt's lap while Jamie is in the front seat next to Andy who was the designated driver and will surely be the death of you all, all their guitar cases were pilled up in the back and an amp was stuffed in the middle of the seats.

"Where is she supposed to sit?"Jamie said, Matt and Maggy look at each other, and back at you, and then Alex holds his hand out for you and you sigh, he pulls you in and you sit on his knee.

"I swear if I feel one hand..." He nods his head with a grin.

"I know" He smiles at you, biting his bottom lip, you and Maggy look at each other, you try not to be bothered by that, but it feels a little strange, you had seen him do that a few times, but his eyes, gazing at your intensely, it makes you feel some way, it feels wrong but it excites you.

Maggy handed you over the clothes you would change into, "Look away" You say to him, he looks through the window, and you take your top off quickly, kicking your shoes off so you can strip down your pajamas and slide on your tights, and then your skirt, taking a small pause to fix your makeup, but suddenly Andy steps on the gas, going so fast the speed pushes your back against Alex's chest, "Shit!" Everyone was laughing as Andy played around with the car, changing lanes going in zic zac feeling the adrenaline spike in your veins, you grabbed Alex's hand tightly without even noticing, he took advantage of the moment, he put his hand on your waist to hold you tightly, he admired you, your laughter, your pouty lips and deep eyes, your soft skin and the belly button ring he had seen a couple of times whenever you wore a crop top around the guys during rehearsals. He twists your skin in between his fingers, pinching it just to get you to see him, "Wanker" You tease him, both smiling at each other. And just for a split second, he thought maybe you could like him, but your smile faded away as blue and red lights flashed before your eyes, the only reason Andy stopped was when he heard the police sirens catching up to you all.

"Fuckin' hell!"

"We're never gunna get there"

"Pull over!"

"Don't pull over, drive!"

"Andy!"

"Shut the fuck up, I'm pullin' over!" Andy screamed and everyone was panicking, spitting the most grotesque curses under their breaths. Maggy was quick to get on her knees and hide in the little space in between the seat in front of her and Matt, she used it as a shelter.

"Hide love," Alex says, you follow the same steps as Maggy, Alex takes off his denim jacket and covers you, if the coppers were to see two underaged girls, both half-dressed in the back of the car with two boys, on their knees, everyone would get arrested for pulling a scene like this, Andy's license would be taken away, their dreams and their freedom would be stripped out from all of them the moment they got home after being bailed out, and that's even if their mothers did. Alex managed to hide you, not well, but you wrapped yourself up in a little ball and hid yourself from the coppers.

Two knocks at the window from the grey-haired officers with truncheons dressed in hats make Andy gulp, one officer on each side of the window, 6 teenagers shivering and shitting themselves, "Oh hello officer, good evenin'" Fuck off Andy.

"Where do you think you're going? Speedin' like that in the middle of the road at 12:30 on a Saturday night? What's got you lots in such a hurry?" Andy stuttered, Jamie pinched the bridge of his nose as the other officer looked at him with annoyance, "Have you been drinkin' son? You don't look old enough to me"

"I'm sorry, officer, is there a certain age you're supposed to be? 'Cause nobody told me" Jamie punched him in the leg by trying to outsmart them, and the officer flashed his lights at Jamie, he wasn't feeling well, he looked as if he was about to puke his liver out, and his heart pumping blood to his system so fast he was starting to sweat.

"Your friend looks sweaty," Andy looked at him, and Jamie looked back at the officer, "Right, that's enough... " Said the office on the right, Andy looked back at Jamie, then to Alex and Matt through the rearview, all of them thinking the same, it was time, the officer on the left took a step back, flashed his light at Alex's eyes, and if he took a deeper look in, he would see where your body was hiding, curled up into a tiny little ball, you were shaking beneath his feet, the thrill in the fear both mix in. Alex could feel you, he felt his heart pumping like gas, the moment one of the officers began to examine Matt and Alex, Alex mouths the word, "Drive!" To andy.

Andy, not looking back, not doubting twice, steps on the gas of his mum's van leaving the coppers behind, and uprolls the riot van it sparks excitement in the boys, and the policemen look annoyed.

Everyone's fists up in the air, punching the ceiling, chanting, "Andy! Andy! Andy!" We ran away just for the laugh, Alex settled you on his lap once more, holding you close, tightly, securing you, and you fell into his chest, your ear against his heart, hearing it pump faster, even faster since he could feel your warm skin filled with goosebumps, you were still wearing nothing but your skirt and your bra, his hand pressed flat on your back, his deep brown eyes, looking at you with desire, what is happening? You think to yourself. Something was certainly going to happen tonight, and not getting arrested by miracle was one of them.

"Havin' a good time? " His gaze petrified you, his eyes looking at you in a way no one had ever done before, and you shivered. His eyes ran down your body, thinking about how hot you looked wearing his jacket, your black brazier, and that belly button ring, but he mostly loved your cute little braids on your black shiny hair, reminded him of the times when you were younger, and you shone like the sun, you weren't so dark, so mysterious, what other secrets do you keep from your mum? You're off the rails, and you love facing the obscure, and the thrill of it, and his eyes sparked that excitement in you, you hated to submit to that fact.

"Perv" You grin and quickly look for your shirt, you toss him back his jacket and get dressed for once, and when you finally sit up straight, you see the knuckles of his fingers clinging to the holes of your tights like claws, you don't say anything, it was a silent touch in between you too, you settled on his knee again, legs open, just to try and see what happens.

"Who's the crook in this crime now?" You rolled your eyes at his awful joke, his fingertips now lightly caressed your skin, just gently, almost undetectable, but you felt it. Andy went through some bumps, and they made you bounce on Alex's knee, you could feel his eyes all over you, and he leaned into your ear, "Don't you like that?" Your touch electrifies the little hairs on his arms, he puts his hand on your black leather bracelet and hoops, and you snatch your wrist away from him, and look at him from the side.

"Like, what?" You spit back, your eyes locked in a stare, he's too afraid to say anything else, he is annoyed, he doesn't understand what is he doing so wrong when all he wants is your attention.

"It's not easy to talk to you Mardy, you're unpredictable, inscrutable, you're cold, but when you're nice-" You crossed your arms, while Alex tried to find an answer from you, and all he got was nothing, he can't wrap his head around you, he can't figure you out.

"Don't start" He knew you were troubled, looking for fun in all the wrong places but in the eyes of your parents you were a calm girl, who knew how to behave when in secret you sneaked boys on and off your bedroom window and stuck some snow down your nose so you could smile, you didn't talk to him anymore, that's why he teased you, just to get any reaction from you like the old times, and in the rare occasion he made you smile at him even just for a second, or when your eyes run into each other by accident, spiders crawl all over his skin.

All you did was leave his poor brain like spinning plates.

When the time arrived after an hour's drive, you were in the back of the strange club, the night was cold and you were shivering, you thought you might reach for Maggy's hand, but she was too busy with Matt, and you felt it, you were alone. You form in a line at the back, where all the bands form together.

These two bouncers stopped you all at the entrance, one was alright, but the other one was scary, he had no time for you looking or breathing, just wanting to tell all of you to kick off, the lots in the back all wearing black while all of you were dressed in distressed jeans, polo's and hoodies, you and Maggy looked younger and weaker compared to the rest, the bouncer, the scary one, eyed you both up and down, "We're Arctic Monkeys, we're the opening band for tonight" Alex shows his wrist band and gives out the flyer you made for the gig, all of the boys wearing one except you and Maggy

The scary bouncer looks at his mate, "And the girls?"

"They're coming with us" Everyone in line was telling you all to piss off, to go back home, but you could see it clearly in Matt's sparkly eyes, he was cracking up, this was a chance they couldn't lose.

"ID," The man said, fuckin' hell, seems like there's no other choice you thought to yourself. That was the thing about you, you could kiss all the boys, but you were too clever to be a slag, and when you wanted something badly, like now, you could play the role of being a cunt if you had to to get what you wanted,"If they haven't got one, they can't come in, no minors"

"But I bet that's no problem for you is it, big man?" You take a step forward, looking at him dead in the eye, your cat eyes ready to attack, sometimes you had to grab the bull from its balls for him to understand what where you trying to say, you take a step close to him, Maggy knew exactly what you were doing, she discreetly whispers to Matt to turn around, and you flash them both your tits, easily as that.

"I've seen better," He says with no care, and he with no option but to suffer from his smart choice of words.

"I thought you would know better" You grab his balls tightly taking him by surprise, "We all have a prize, what's the prize for your head?" You dig your nails in between his legs, squeezing him tightly, and you bite your lower lip, his mate watching you carefully, he is amazed, "10... 20..." He twists in pain, weeping and his mouth shaking, "You're the only one that keeps crying like a little shit, is that what you are? Mummy's little boy" You mock his little weeping, "You sound pathetic"

"10 pounds, you and your mate," He says between greeted teeth, he knew better than to not lay a hand on you, and the other guy as well, but you were impressed by how quiet he was, the scary man looks at his mate and he stays still, he eyed you up and down, shamelessly looking at your tits with a grin, "Mind helpin' me out here?"

"Nah, I'm good" You flirt with him with your smile and your eyes, and he winks his eye. Alex barely recognizes you at this point, any knowledge of you had been stripped from the idea he had in his head. The girl he likes, she was still somewhere, Mardy was still there buried inside you, hidden beneath all of that eyeliner and silver sparkles, trapped in your coldness, now it was his turn to make a true effort to know you since he truly cares for you.

"Just get the fuck in" You let him go and smile at him, his mate opens the door for you, and your smile fades living him confused, and that's how you bite the men, insert your poison and leave them twisting in pain, which meant he and Alex have something in common.

"Watch your girl," He says to Al, they both look back at you and before you go into the party you answer back to them.

"I don't belong to anyone" You disappear into the darkness, Alex kept wondering how you and Matt were related, he would never do something like that, act like this, you enjoyed staying in the cold, while Matt stayed balanced, warm, friendly, but you... he had not a single clue.

You and Maggy follow them to the back, she was holding your brother's sweaty hand with care, Matt knew better than to keep yours and his things in between you two, you weren't one to pull these scenes, he and Maggy knew that you only stepped in when needed, and you needed to get in, because a part of you, not only cared deeply about your brother's dreams, a part of you cared deeply about the boy in that denim jacket with a hoodie and his dreams, the one carrying the heavy amp and his bass with his arms, and the one with red cheeks almost as red as his guitar. They had worked hard, and Alex had passed late nights trying to squeeze more songs off of his brain, tonight could change things, but this night felt different.

You helped to set them up on the stage, many boys whistling and savoring you with their eyes, and as you were stepping down, Alex was waiting for you by the staircase next to the stage, and to your surprise, he was already knackered, pulling on his messy brown hair, "What?" You say close to his ear, he squeezes your shoulders together.

"All I wanted to say was that... I care about you Mardy, I don't know what happened to you... but I wanna kno' where's my Mardy? The one that laughed and joked around? The one that always teased me and played with me in the swings, the one that hugged me sporadically... what do I need to do to get you-" The microphone's intermission cuts Alex's questions, his face in a frown, his eyes filled with so many emotions and booze.

"Right on! Up next say hello to my little friends... Arctic Monkeys!" Everyone chants the boy's names, clapping and waiting for them with excitement. He wants to reach for your hands, but Jamie comes running up the stairs.

"You're up... you are all gonna do great" Matt and Andy pull him to the stage, he was made a total mess, his eyes red shot and his mouth dry, he takes a step in front of the mic, strapping his strat across his body, Andy was buzzing with excitement, Jamie finished tunning his fiesta red telecaster, Matt blew a kiss to Maggy, and she grabs it with her fist and presses it against her chest.

Maggy quickly ran with you to be in the sea of people, pushing each one of them away with your elbow or with your shoulders, holding onto your hand like a safe lock with a chain, and got to the front safely, right beneath Alex's feet, you look at him through your lashes and wink at him, "Rock on!" Maggy and yourself secure arms, and the moment Matt begins the count down electricity rushes into your veins.

The crowd was a riot, they played songs back to back, you and Maggy jumping and screaming the songs at the top of your lungs, Andy rocked that bass with his groovy lines that accentuated each of the riffs Alex and Jamie played back on back, Matt was dripping in sweet his face all flushed just like yours did, genetics. Your body was getting tired, your feet were bruised from the number of people that stepped on them, then your hair was pulled by accident by the tall boy next to you with a spiky leather bracelet on his wrist, "Are you alright?" He yells into your ear, Alex quickly notices it, and his eyes focus on you and the block you are talking to, he notices how close his lips are to your cheek, and he sees you nodding your head and laughing so hard at what he was slurring into your ear, he felt some relieve he had pulled away from you but then he kneeled to the ground and you threw your leg over his head, picking you up from his shoulders, you were pure euphoria all over the place, you threw your jacket to the stage, making it land on Alex on purpose, he smiles at you as the block squeezes your thighs. He can't find the answers to all of the questions in his head, you were many things, but one of them was unpredictable, too clever.

He watches you light a smoke, his eyes light up as your lips curl into a smile, you are aware of his gaze on you, those same eyes on his face looking at you with burning desire, he feels the heat, and now it is the time, he stripped off his cares, and with the liquid courage in his veins he had the nerve to sing the next song.

"Alreyt! How you doin' tonight?!" Everyone chants and whistles at Alex's rowdy and drunken voice, the crowd surfers up in the air, with no shirts and no care, "I said how you fuckin' doin' tonight?!" You whistle back at him with your fingers in your mouth, and he watches you with a smile going down memory lane as he hears your childish laughter, "We're Arctic Monkeys, and this next song is about a girl, you know who you are..." He slurs looking at you with his watery doe eyes, "This one is called...!" Jamie bends his strings, and Alex's strings ring through the amps loaded with fuzz, your ears ringing with the sharp intermission, provoking a fire in their spirits, "Space Invaders!" His fingers hit the top strings of his white strat, hitting those power chords hard, and he doesn't take his eyes away from you, not even to blink when he starts singing.

Space invaders flying home Yeah, they're going to hit the sack And they are prob'ly going to die getting high Cause they're mixing crazy ... with the crack

You eye him, and you invite him in with your eyes, igniting a fire that spreads all over his body, he looks at you with his casanova eyes, smirking, sounding more confident than ever, that version of him suits him very handsomely, you were thrilled to see what else had he had to say in between those catchy riffs and clever lyrics.

And she's kissing all the boys She's to clever to be slack But she's bound to go away for a day In July, so she won't be coming back

This song with no doubt was about you, kissing all the boys? You're all he could ever think about, so you give him exactly what he wants, a reaction, you take your index and slide it inside your mouth, sucking it and pulling out your middle finger with a grin on your lips, he strums his strings faster to sing the chorus.

Baby, baby, baby The good old days to tax Baby, baby, baby Won't you dry your pretty eyes Baby, baby, baby Your good old days to tax Come on!

Your heart flutters, and a strange feeling of something inside you feeling full makes your gut twitch, he moans into the microphone, and you feel a dull ache in between your legs as he rolls his eyes back, knowing well you had provoked him, you didn't know what you did to earn that song, but Alex could write a million songs and still not be finished. Maggy looks at you and your arms up in the air, swaying them and smiling, you truly feel happy, but you know that happiness doesn't last forever, but you'll miss it and it sickened you to know so. You tell the big guy to put you down as the show is ending and the monkeys are finishing up the song, to wrap it up.

The boy tries to follow you but you escape him, "That's all for the night folks, you were a lovely crowd, remember we're Arctic Monkeys, goodnight!" You push the people away, looking for an escape from all you are about to feel soon.

Alex comes down from the stage, Maggy is the only one waiting for them on the staircase, "Where's- where is she?" Alex asks Maggy, she shrugs and looks at Matt.

"She walked away as the show ended, I thought she was going here but... I lost her, she'll be back soon, maybe she went out with that block" Alex was losing his mind, he was self-aware about the song he had made for you, told everyone it was about another girl, but what other fucking girl? there was no other girl, you were the only one that he was fixated on.

"Matt, I need to talk to you" He was so scared of blowing things off, by confessing his massive crush on his best mate's little sister, but you were all that he wanted since you were all little kids, he was rambling about so many things, and he was trying to explain himself but going nowhere apologizing at the end of every sentence he made but Matt stopped him.

"Alex, you can tell me anything, you know that," Matt says understandingly, he knew what he was about to say.

"But I'm afraid you'll hate me forever" He scratches his arm, and Matt takes a step forward and stops him from bruising his arm, Alex didn't want to hurt his best mate, but Matt knew since the beginning.

"I'm afraid you'll get heartbroken, she can be a handful Al, you know that" Alex sighs, and Matt hugs him tight, "But I also know you can help her heal, I just don't want you to get hurt in the process" Alex smiled at Matt.

"We all have to try our best for the ones we love" Matt punches him in his shoulder pushing him away, they both laugh and hug once more, "So, is it ok If I... ?" Matt nods his head, patting his back.

"But if you dare to do summat to her..." Matt and Alex laugh at each other, and he pats Alex's back with care knowing well that you were the one that would probably do things to Alex. Matt is happy, Alex is descent, and he knows he'll help you by loving you, "Go get her, I have a feeling she might be outside" And like that Alex rushes outside, running through the crowded room and going through the back door, you were outside with the bouncer, the nice one, and looking as if you were flirting with him, he was quick to shut that down.

"Mardy" He sees your face light up, and you smile at him but it wasn't because you wanted to, it was because you were already pissed up, the bouncer scratches the back of his head.

"Hey, rockstar" You giggle drunkenly, if you weren't standing next to him he would've already kicked that man's face, "Looking for me?" You teased.

"Thought she didn't belong to anyone" The man crosses his arms as he sees you looking at Alex with a smile, you wanted to eat him up, "She's a cunt" Alex takes a step forward but you stop him.

"The fuck did you say?" He spits.

"Don't" You knew he stood no chance against the 6 ft bouncer, so maybe you were right, Alex didn't stand a chance but he wasn't one to handle disrespect nicely. He and you walked back inside together dancing in the lights, letting them flash beneath your eyes, letting the tempo mark your dancing in the blue neon lights, the white neon lights flash on your face, and you turn to look at Alex, he was in a trance as your heavenly eyes look at him, you pull him in, and you make him dance with you.

"How much did you have?" He asks and you push your shoulders together with no care grabbing his hands to dance with him to the music, his eyes looking at your lips and your body with desire, he was all in for you, he was made a fool for you.

"I like the song you made me for me Al" You take a step closer to him, and his breathing gets stuck as he hears his heartbeat in his ears, he can smell your lovely perfume, and he can see your diamond eyes, your pink glossy lips so close to him, just for you to kiss his cheek, "I liked it" He closed his eyes, feeling your lips linger and burn on his cheek like a cigarette burning on his skin, and just like that, you disappear into thin air, he had lost you in that crazy amount of people. 

"For fucks sake..." He sighed as he downs more cups of the cheapest booze trying to locate you with his eyes, he was losing his mind, his heart beating in his ears, the booze making his body feel light and dizzy but his head made a mess. He was feeling paranoid and worried sick of losing you, but his ears rang at the sound of your voice like a loyal dog.

"I said goddamn!" You scream at the top of your lungs, he sees you snorting some thin lines of coke by some settees with a mirror and a tiny spoon, laughing so loudly it made your stomach hurt, he knew exactly the 10 minutes you were lost were right about enough for you to do anything you wanted, you had no one to stop you. Alex sits next to you impulsively.

"Hey," Says the girl with messy blonde hair sitting next to him, her eyes red with a woozy smile, "You were really good up there" He feels your eyes lingering on him, he feels he has all of your attention by now, as you probably give her the deadliest glare.

"Do you wanna suck his cock too?" You spit, taking her by surprise, so amazed by your rudeness she chose to leave the table and go somewhere else, Alex looks at you with a scowl, and you ignore him, taking another sip of your drink free of guilt.

"Why can you be talking to other people but I can't?" You shrug it off, sitting back in the worn-out leather settee, crossed leg, he waits for you to speak looking at you intensely, you thought you could handle this contest with ease, but it was only a matter of time until he got to you.

"You can do what you wanna do, be with who you want to be," You say to him, manipulating him, "I don't own you, Alex"

"So, why do you 'fink I chose to stay with you, Mardy?" He drawls, sitting closer to you, his knee touching yours, "Don't push me away, I meant what I said" He referred to the song he had sung for you with love and passion, and your heart skips a beat, and this feeling feels strange, his determination and the firmness of his words made your head spin, it draws you closer to him.

"... don't think you've got me all figured out" But he knew right where to start as the girl holding the coke came in, snorting another line and shaking her hair off her face, smiling and dancing, it gave her power.

"Want another line?" She asks you, you glance at Alex and smirk as you snort another line, you overestimated him and his intentions, his eyes lock with yours, he wasn't one to do these things, he may have had a few funny cigarettes but not as often. He was determined to feel the same way as you do.

"You wouldn't" You dare him, and that only makes him want to try it more. He sits at the edge of the leather settee, grabbing the card that's on the table, cutting the coke until it's thin enough to be consumed, he shapes a thin line of coke with the sharp edges of the red credit card and from his wallet, he grabs a bill and rolls it up with his index and thumb carefully. With the edge of the bill on his nostril and the other on the platter, he shuts his eyes tightly as he inhales the coke fast hoping it would make it more bearable because all he knew was that it stung like hell but inhaling it fast didn't change anything for him, his eyes flash before him, his brain quickly reacting with the thin line of coke, and he feels the burning sensation on his nostrils, sneezing as a reflex to try to expel the coke that was still stuck on the walls of his nose.

"Fuck!" His nose burns and stings, some coke falling on your upper thigh, you break into laughter, he was trying hard to impress you, that's what you thought, the girl laughs at him and your head feels dizzy, you feel an ache for him that's burning as he frowns.

"If you're gonna do it, at least do it right," He slams your hand away as you try to comfort him, he throws his straw away and sits closer to you, he leans down, and holds your knee tightly, his fingernails digging holes in your thighs, your hairs feel the same electricity that he felt in the car when you sat on him, shamelessly sitting open legged on his knee, his eyes penetrate yours as he snorts the remaining coke off your thigh, you feel something inside you turn on as you feel his nose on your inner thigh, his lips lightly grazing your knickers.

"I said goddamn" You lock in a stare, you wanted him, and you wanted him bad, your hand sneaks to the back of his head and he drags your mouth to his, his thumb lightly caressing your cheek as you both get carried away with the intensity of the kiss mixing with the drugs and the booze his touches feel like electric shocks, the fire runs all over your body as his hand caresses your thigh, his fingers digging on the edge of your denim skirt, his mouth tastes like sweet vodka and pop, his tongue inside your mouth tasting the flavors of your cherry cigarettes and Bacardi, sweet and sour, like lemon and honey, you roll your eyes as you feel him sigh inside your mouth, his hand making a fist with your skirt, he wanted more but he was still afraid to do more, he wanted to do it all in private, so he tested himself with you.

As he was pulling away from the kiss, you bit his lower lip pulling it harshly like a blister, and his cheeks were burning hot, his head was dizzy but he took your hand, he felt high, and his body was on the dancefloor with yours but his mind was focused on the neon lights on your face painting you all the colors, violet, blue and green as he sees your head spin in circles. His hands creep into your hips, and he slowly pulls you in, watching you dance with no care, no shame, you knew you made him mad with the way your silver eyeshadow made your eyes look like bright stars in the night sky. You both dance to Dr. Dre in a trance, slow, close, and sexy, he turns your back against his chest with a spin, he is getting greedy, and you feel it as your brains get stimulated with the white powder. Your hips go around in circles against his crotch as the music makes your body move in a way that gets him so uncomfortably hard, but he didn't feel it until you sighed against his ear, his hands grip your hips harder, lightly humping your ass against him, you giggle as you both sing.

You see it clearly in his eyes, he wants more, "Don't you wanna go somewhere else... tha knows, alone?" He suggests into your ear, you take a deep breath as you smell his sweet cologne, you wanted to be smothered in that scent, but it wasn't going to be easy for him.

"And do what?" He's dumbfounded, he doesn't know how to phrase how badly he wanted to fuck you now, "You think is that easy? That I'm just gonna fall to me knees over the rockstar?" Your lips were next to his ear, and his nose could smell the coconut shampoo on your silky hair, "No way babe" He sighed and closed his eyes just for a second, and then you disappeared in thin air, walking out the door. He tried to go after you, but he got surrounded by the band and some other man wearing dressing shirts and jeans with Stella's in their hands, he makes up dumb excuses to free himself from whatever they were trying to talk about.

As he goes out through the exit door, he finds you yet again with the same bouncer, this time with one of his hands on your cheek and the other on your hip, and he doesn't even reason out his next action, Alex had punched the bouncer in the jaw as hard as he could, he only manages to make his head turn, and as the man was about to return the punch with twice if the speed and twice of the strength you're able to push him away and knock him to the floor grabbing Alex's hand running down the streets like a cheetah, the cold wind blowing your hair and making your nose dry, you have so much energy you could do anything, move mountains, climb the tallest building. You are pure fuel, you turn to your left as you hear his laughter, he catches up to you, grabbing your hand tightly as you run down the street, looking for nothing but the feeling of your heart about to bust, for the pain of your lower abdomen. 

Thankfully Alex had Andy's car keys, using the van as the perfect place to hide from the angry bounce with a purple jaw searching for you both, "He even has muscles in his muscles" You joke as you both peek through the windows, finally, you're able to breathe when he starts heading his way back where he came from. You both sigh relieved and crash on the leather car seats, you turn to look at Al and ask, "How do you feel Al?" 'Al' he smiles, it's been a long time since you called him like that.

"Still high" He sniffs his nose and looks at you, you're smiling, biting your bottom lip, the light of lamppost reflecting on your eyes through a crack in the windows, your eyes deep blue looking at him with hunger, "What about you?" He drawls.

"I left me head at the dance floor" You giggle, sitting closer to him, the knuckles of his hand touching yours, lips getting drawn to each other, his eyes staring intensely at yours.

"I wanted to keep dancin' with you... you've got some pretty nice moves" Your eyebrows jump as you give him a look that hypnotized him, he was taken by surprise as you threw your leg over his thighs, straddling him and rocking your hips against his just like the way you were dancing before, you teased him, still vigorously grinding your hips against him, singing bits of the song to his ear as you bite his earlobe, feeling his dick fighting his way on his jeans, "Like that?" You tease watching him watching you in awe.

"Uhu..." His heart was about to beat out from his chest, "Fuckin' hell Mardy, you're so hot" His so pissed about it, he's lost his mind, such a fool for you it makes him pull his hair.

"Just shut up and kiss me" The palm of your hand drives his head towards you, and you both kiss slowly, eagerly, lingeringly as your lips close around each other's mouth, feeling your body slowly grind against him, getting closer to the place where he ached for you. The roughness of his denim made juicy friction in your pussy, you kept losing control over yourself, dry humping Alex's crotch, his hands dragging your hips against him following your pace to show you how much he liked feeling you rubbing yourself against him. You were flushed, feeling hotter, his hands made into fists, clenching your skirt, slowly riding up to your waist, he was doubtful but as he watched you get so deep in it his hands grip your ass hard, and you whimpered into his ear, all the sounds coming out of your mouth made him get so hard in his jeans that his head was already leaking.

"I want you so badly" He groans into your ear, licking his lips and holding your head in place to whisper more into your ear, "You feel amazin' babe, make yerself feel good" You smile against his hair, taking a sniff of his soft brown hair, you nuzzled your nose into his neck, leaving kisses all over him. He began to feel self-conscious about the fact he was barely even moving, he wasn't moving a single finger now when at the party he was begging for your attention, he chose to not be like those other blocks, they didn't know what was before their eyes, they didn't know you, they didn't know how much beauty there is inside of you, your black beauty.

His hand on your ass crawls to your lower back, caressing your skin with his thumb, his hands crawling up your back like spiders and snakes, and he leaves his hand on the clasp of your bra, your eyes illuminating, "Can I?" He whispers, his voice shaky and his eyes sparkling, hopelessly looking for an answer in your eyes.

"If you want to... yeah, you don't have to ask me Al" You peck Alex's lips, sweetly, the heat wasn't the only thing that drove you to be all over him.

"How far do you wanna take this, Mardy?" His voice sounds serious, both panting for air but if he were to pass out, he would love to pass out feeling your heavenly lips. Alex saw you for once stay quiet, with no answers, no smart comeback, your eyes shine, and your heart feels that vague feeling of warmth, and tenderness. For once, you doubted having sex with a hot fellow outside of a pub, you didn't feel anything, not for long, you feared Alex would change that, you were able to fight the feeling though, you convinced yourself he wouldn't.

"Take my clothes off" You command, Alex following like a puppy with his swollen lips in a pout and his bright eyes, his fingers running down your warm skin with care, pulling off your shirt from your head, you stand on your knees, his lips sigh against your skin, his hands caressing your lower back gently, running shivers all over your body as he kisses your belly slowly, wet, and needy, his tongue running through your belly butting ring, his hands quickly sliding down your skirt and throwing it to the ground, leaving you in your tights and brazier. Your eyes meet, his eyes shining so brightly at the look of yours, he saw you as a miracle for all men, as an angel as you exposed your body to him, and you couldn't handle that, "Don't look at me like that, I know you wanna fuck me" He's a man, he only loves these things because he loves to see them break, he would forget about you the next day and nothing could stop you from thinking this way, even if it hurt you.

He was in a daze as if you had kicked him hard in the head, your body on his, warm and sugary, addictive, "And so fuckin' bad" His mouth devours your lips, his tongue slipping to the back of your throat, you gag but he keeps his tongue inside your mouth, his hands grip your bottom tightly, continuing with the same pace as before. He takes out his shirt in the blink of an eye, barely giving you time to grab air as you asphyxiate in his kisses pressing you closer to him as he grinds your hips harder against the bulge in his denim jeans hearing you moaning louder into his mouth. The tiny kisses he gave you in your belly still lingering in your head, the song and his facial expressions as he moaned into the microphone engraved in your head, his touch so rough but with care, his eyes watching you like a goddess, you look through the window, and watch yourself climax with just a little bit of friction. He feels rewarded, he feels your body relaxing, and you're satisfied but it isn't enough.

Your hands run through his bristly skin, his chest dripping sweat, his abs marked with thin lines, and his v-line drives you to kneel, and unclamp the buttons of his jeans, "You got me off, now's your turn, is that ok?" You teased, making Alex roll his eyes with a smile, you caress his cock with your fingers, just to let it get harder than he was, he looks at you with lust, as you cheekily smile at the sight and feel of the size of his cock, "Fuck" He came in a full-size package.

"Come here" And baffled you were, how was he able to carry that in his jeans? His tip leaking cum already, red almost turning purple, swollen and hot, fat. You couldn't wait any longer for him, you obliged and settled on his lap. His hands caressed your body with care, he could give you true affection, "I like you Mardy... I really fuckin' do, I can't get you out of me head, out of my veins or me brain... every time I see you-"

"Don't say anything else, Alex, please" It was the first time you begged for anything in your life, because if what he was saying was true, his words made your heart beat fast, and it felt as if you were about to die.

"Don't do that Mardy, don't do this to me either... I'm in for the long run, don't matter how long I have to wait" In his eyes, you saw the raw definition of honesty, he wasn't looking anywhere else, wasn't hesitating, he was being truthful.

"Don't make promises that you can't keep Alex, nothing lasts forever" Your words don't affect him anymore, his mind was hazy with love and true desire for more than just sex, for more than just your body, he wanted your heart, a connection he couldn't get from anyone else but you.

"I never do," He says, "So just kiss me, and forget about anything else" His lips peck yours hard, needy, angsty, and his hands grip your body tightly, pulling your tights off your body, breaking them in the process and he feels your nude skin with his rough hands. He feels struck by lightning as he pushes your panties to the side and enters you slowly, your nails dig into his skin, and you gasp into his mouth feeling your whole body get loose, and your mind in a daze, just enjoying the feeling of his body so close to yours.

Your hips rock against his, your whole body pressed against him, his hands kneading your tits, pinching them and kissing them as you ride his cock, his hands pull your body closer to him, not for one second does he want you to be far from him, you couldn't hold in your moaning, his sighs and moans put you in a spell, his magical eyes sparkled into yours as he watched his whole dick disappear in between your legs.

"Ah! Shit" His hands were on your hips, they rock your body against him, Alex's mouth fell agape as you kept riding his cock eagerly, his hands gripping your ass tightly.

"Do you like that, baby? Do I make you feel good?" His eyes roll back, gulping and moaning against your lips, "Tell me Alex" Your hands around his neck, as you ride him slowly, tentatively.

"You do Mardy... you're so wet... t-tight" Your tongue inside his mouth as you kiss him, his cheeks warm and his breathing stuck in his throat.

"I bet you feel accomplished...." He blushes harder, being caught red-handed, "I've seen you Alex... looking at me, searching to see what color were me knickers, or what bra was I wearing"

"Can't blame it, you always know how to rock me world" You lean over to his ear, your motion decreases into barely any, and you lick your lips before you whisper.

"Imagine how hard can we rock your bed" He blushes as you began to jump on his cock, your tits jiggling and he's hypnotized by them, by the way you scream, and how your pussy feels. He's whimpering at just the sight of you. He grabs your waist tighter and makes you jump faster on his cock, feeling you get closer to an end, his thumb, flicking your clit until your burst all over him, he pants as your head falls on his shoulder.

"You love to tease me, don't you?" He leans over you, making you lie down on the seats, his hands grab your thighs wrapping them around his hips, you always liked how he always had to caress your skin, he couldn't help it, he loved feeling your body on his.

"Can't say I don't" You whisper to his lips, his hips increase his thrusts gradually rocking your bodies together, watching your collarbones sink as you try to catch your breath.

"You fuckin' cunt" You gasp as he buries himself inside you, "You've been teasing me all of this fucking time?" You sigh as his fingers tangle in your hair, his hips slowly thrusting inside you, it feels like ecstasy, all over your body, his eyes turning into darkness and lust.

"I always do" You giggled, he grabbed your wrists tightly, pinning them above your head, you were caught off guard, suddenly feeling like you had no control over him, he had control over you and you were enjoying it, watching him get affected by simple words, deep confessions, this night had changed your view on Alex for the better.

You stared into his coffee brown eyes, the shy boy that you once knew was all a costume, what he is beneath that, is what you like, "I'm gunna fuck your brains out" His cock feels so good inside you, feels thick, feels right, the friction and the pain of the stretching. It all feels too fucking good, you kept your eyes wide open as you both watch each other's faces, in your eyes there was a heavy secret, one that Alex was breaking into, you were a sucker for him, all you wanted was for him to fight more for you. And finally, he had taken power over your body.

He was balls deep inside you, watching you get aroused by the sounds of his moves, he kept thrusting inside you so fast that the car was rocking back and forward. He let go of your wrist to pin them both together with his other hand, his hand pressed against the window. He sends you spiraling down to a whole other world, you've never felt such way, his hands fall to your neck and you're finally able to dig your fingers into his back, you were a loud mess, out of control. He was mercilessly fucking your pussy, so deliciously buried inside you.

"Al... I can't hold it in," You screamed as he slammed himself back inside you, your fingers rubbing your clit so fast, your walls tightening, he groans, his grip on your neck tighter.

"Yeh fuckin' dirty cunt," He flips your leg to the side so he could have a better look at your bum, he was feeling aroused at the sound of your sss slapping against his hips, he took advantage to slap it hard making you moan harder, Andy's van rocking to Alex's pace, squeaking, bouncing.

Your vision was foggy. Alex enjoyed watching your eyeballs turn white and your mouth wide open, he couldn't take it any longer as well. He got so carried away with the sight of your body, your nipples hard, your pink lips, and your red raw pussy, your heat feels so good, he takes one last feel of it, making sure you came one last time before he pulled out fast enough to spill his cum on your belly, your eyes widened at the sight of his pink tip squirting out his cum as he fucks his fist, you saw his face in a frown, his forehead dripping in a cold sweat, and a last sigh of satisfaction falls from his mouth to yours.

"Fuckin' hell" You whisper, grabbing his attention, his hand lets go of the window to caress your hair and pour all of his love on a kiss to your lips, it feels like flowers blooming under that warm sun, it feels like hot cocoa on a cold December day, it feels like firecrackers, it feels like new year's countdown, it feels like it was meant to be, and for once, you let go and feel the love on his lips for a minute or two, you give it back with the same intensity, and he feels no longer frightened about anything. If he had you, he didn't need anything else.

"Mardy, I meant everything I said" You sigh.

"About me being a dirty fucking cunt?" You both crack in laughter, his arms pull you to his chest, and you lay on his arms like a baby, you let him hold you like that because you miss being held like this, you've never experienced anything like this, but deep down you know, love wears out, it dies, flowers rot, the firecrackers are thrown to the streets, summer ends, hot coco burns your tongue, and he will leave you soon. Alex sees you so deep in thought.

"What are you thinking about?" He says, too worried about everything, now that reality had settled in.

"I wonder how long it will take before you leave me" His eyes filled with sadness, he couldn't believe how you still thought about that, "We shagged, we did what we did, I'm just counting the seconds before we get out of this car and you forget about me" You move away from him, taking your clothes and warmth  from the floor and quickly dressing yourself up again. He was still in one piece. He looks at you with sullen eyes.

"It meant nothing to you?" He says with sadness pulling up his clothes.

"What is it supposed to mean, Alex?" He felt his heart being stung, a knife being twisted to his core.

"That I love you," He says with no remorse, you pull away, quickly getting out of the car, and he follows you at a fast pace as you begin to walk around the dark, he leaves everything else behind, "Where are you going, Mardy?!"

You feel like puking out your heart, you were looking for a place to hide, anywhere, any place at all. You looked and you looked as he kept screaming your name, "Why are you running away from me?!" He grabs your arm tightly.

"Don't you get it?" You snatch back your arm, "Why did you say that to me? How could you say that to me?" Your voice cracks as you look at him in the eyes, he slowly steps closer to you, how could he break something that was already torn to pieces?

"Because I do... because I truly do love you-"

"You don't mean that" He takes a step closer to you very slowly, watching your eyes water, and you pull away from him step by step, your untied shoelaces make you fall to the ground in a very stupid way that you crack into crying laughter for how pathetic you feel.

Alex sees your true colors for once, but he isn't afraid of what he sees, he's in love with what he sees, and so in love that it hurts so deeply to see you in such a state, "Love..."

"Don't call me like that" You say in between laughter, "I'm not your mardy, not your babe, I'm not anything to you" You spit.

He sits on the ground next to you, "You're everything to me" You roll your eyes, feeling your throat tighten, "I love you, I told you I do, it's all I've ever felt-"

You answer back, "I'm not everything, I'm just a catchy chorus in a 2-minute song Alex" He sits closer to you, watching you get out from your skirt your cigarette, and your lighter, feeling the warm embrace of the tabaco in the air.

"You're in every song I write, Mardy, I did one specifically called Mardy Bum... so you might understand how I feel about you," You look at him with an eyebrow up.

"Mardy Bum?" He smiles and nods his head, "That's a more personal one" You say with no emotion, you look into his eyes, and you see the truth in them, but you're too scared of giving into it, to give into him.

"And there are many more to come, but you're no 2-minute song and a catchy chorus, you're more than that, you've always been more than that" Alex's words couldn't have cut any deeper than any blade or any drug you've ever taken.

"There's so much you don't know about me" He grabs your hand, the one with the thick bracelet, and he holds it so tightly and kisses the back of your hand with care.

"I wanna know everything," His fingertips run through your braids, and your head falls to his shoulder.

"And what if you find out everything and you think I'm too fucked up? Why don't you just go with a fitter and healthier girl, huh?" His fingertips grace your chin, and he looks at you with his deep brown eyes and pecks your lips.

"Because they're not you" You stare into his eyes and you kiss him with the same love he did inside the car, you hadn't noticed how you were out of there, and he still followed you, he has always followed you.

There was a moment of pure silence after the kiss, you lay on his lap, curled up into a ball, feeling his soft hands caress your hair, you feel everything you once felt a long time ago, it's vague, but he makes it come alive again as he hums a sweet melody, "Well now then Mardy bum.... I've seen you frown and it's like looking down the barrel of a gun and it goes off... and out come all these words... oh, there's a very pleasant side of you, a side I much prefer, it's one that... laugh and jokes around... remember cuddles in the kitchen... yeah, to get things off the ground and it's up, up and away... oh, buts it's right hard to remember on a day like today when you're... argumentative and you've got that face on"

You pick yourself up from his lap to look at him with your glassy eyes, tears rolling down your cheeks, "Can I hear the full song when we get back home?" His thumb grazes your cheek, whipping down your tear.

"Of course, my love" His arm around your neck, kissing the back of your head, he turns you to lay your head on his arm.

"Do you really want to be with me, Al?" He smiles as he sees a door opening for him, he sighs feeling relieved you weren't arguing away with him.

"Yes, and so badly" He smiles, and giggles, "You won't get me to go, not anywhere" It feels good to hear that assurance from his lips, "Not anywhere"

"Good, because... I think... I love you too" Maybe it was too quick to say it but you didn't care, he sounded promising, and what else have you got to lose anyway? Maybe it was time for you to take a chance, let faith lead you blindly, maybe it was time to give in to him.

"Oh fuckin' hell, I was so scared you wouldn't say it back" You laugh, Alex enjoying the sound of your rich laughter, feeling excited about the thought of his clumsy words being the reason of that smile.

On the way back home, you were sat on Alex's lap willingly, your head on his shoulder, his arms around your waist, Maggy and Matt were stunned at the sight of you and Alex, you could feel their gaze on you as Alex covered your cold body with his denim jacket. Everyone tried to leash the lioness inside you, but he took a different approach that made him worthy of sticking around in your lonely cage.

A/N

Hi, missed me?

Happy Valentine's ! <3 

Still busy studying for my SATs :c

[bacusdraculacape]

Adding onto the end of my latest AM thery kinda adding to it but not really.

The Boardwalk, Sheffield is closed and boarded up years now. Here's a photo of it from my visit not long ago to prove so:

And an article beneath it I found online:

The Boardwalk, if you’re not away, is the location where:

> Alex Turner worked his first job before he did professional rockstarring.

> It is also the place where Arctic Monkeys played many of their first ever gigs at (lots of other bands used play there too when it was open).

> It is also the location in which Miles Kane and Alex Turner first met at in 26th of May 2005 when Miles’ band at the time: The Little Flames- which he played guitar for, supported Arctic Monkeys’ at it.

My wild idea: What if Alex Turner ever buys The Boardwalk keeps it as The Boardwalk and reopens it simply for being that place that gave him his first job, first chances to play live, and the place he found his true love at? Or if not solely him then him and a gang of music friends like how last year in 2023 Matt Helders and a group of musicians chipped in to stop an iconic pub to musicians and the Sheffield public from shutting it’s doors. FYI, Matt owns two cafes in Sheffield, too, both called: Ambulo.

[kunikisss]

i <3 beneath the boardwalk

[tranquilitybasegf]

why was i the person to update the list of songs recorded by arctic monkeys wikipedia page…. like half the songs from the car were just not on there including body paint and mirrorball which were singles ??? its been over a year since that album came out?? clearly no one else is as dedicated to the craft of html editing as I am

[nobully]

[ wrap ]  –  for the sender’s muse to casually wrap their arms around the receiver’s neck and lean on their shoulder from behind. 💖

the  intimacy  of  hands. | [ wrap ]

"Yiyi, look at that cat!"

Wang Yi rolls his eyes and keeps peddling. ' That's the fourth one in a row. We're not stopping for it again— '

"Why, you want me to pet you instead?"

' Tch. ' But Wang Yi dutifully brakes his bike, lets Nicolette climb off, and watches her pet the latest furball, a mild-mannered ginger who meows in greeting as his tail rises up in an agreeable curve.

"You pet him too," she prods.

' I don't care for cats. '

"Don't you keep one as a pet?"

' What, that slavedriver? ' Wang Yi makes a face at the thought of Sao Ling. ' Forget him. '

"You know, if you let me pet him more, maybe we wouldn't be stopping so often on this boardwalk."

' What's to stop you doing it anyways just to screw with me? ' Wang Yi shoots back, and feels a tiny vindictive triumph when she doesn't deny it beyond a snort. ' Besides, I barely know where he is these days. He comes for meals and naps but never stays home. '

For all he knew the fluffy System was living up a double life in the city just because he could. Wang Yi wouldn't be surprised to find out he'd befriended some mob boss or obscure powerful ally along the way.

But today's not about him.

He looks over at his passenger, every bit as wild as a cat herself (though he'd never say that out loud) with her scars and teeth and smiles, scratching the stray beneath his chin and around his ears as he begins to purr. March has come in like a lamb this year, granting them fair skies and mild weather for the last vestiges of winter. Pink tinges Nicolette's cheeks from the cold, giving her a schoolgirl vibe as she dotes on the fluffy animal.

Wang Yi doesn’t realize how quiet they’ve been until she glances at him with a pointed look.

“What are you thinking of all of a sudden?”

He sticks his hands in his pockets and stamps his feet. ' About how I'm freezing to death. Are you done yet? '

Yeah sure, the boardwalk's picturesque, but it's still nippy biking in a sea breeze this time of year. Nicolette has no sympathy for him, though. "Your fault for not bundling up outdoors."

' Who's the one that keeps taking pit stops for street cats, huh? '

"If you chose to pet them, maybe they'd warm up that cold, hard, heart of yours."

' I've had my own for years and he hasn't done any wonders. Oh look, it's leaving. ' His eyes follow the ginger tomcat as it scurries off into some shrubbery, nuzzling the dark tabby that comes out to greet it with bright golden eyes. ' Let's go, then. '

"Sourpuss," he hears Nicolette mutter under her breath, and it's almost pleasant because they're not cursing at each other like usual.

...weird thought. Spending time with this woman always spikes his blood pressure. So it's even stranger when Wang Yi finds it normal to get on his bike and wait for Nicolette to clamor on the back so they can resume their trip down the Boardwalk.

Had he seen her so often that it became habit for them to stick together? He didn't even plan to take her along today—he'd just seen her, waved hello, and didn't say no when she asked for a ride. She hadn't picked a destination and he didn't bother to ask, so they'd rode randomly around the city until they ended up here.

Wang Yi's still puzzling over his logic when arms wrap around his neck and a chin rests on his shoulder. He realizes Nicolette's on the bike but practically hugging him from the back instead of just holding him for support like usual.

' Are you tired? ' he asks while glancing sideways.

"Didn't you say you were cold?" she rolls her eyes at him. "I'm proving my worth as a passenger by keeping you warm."

' I thought it was my fault for not bundling up. '

"If you freeze your sorry ass then I'm out of a free ride," Nicolette points out. "There's a café up ahead, we can warm up and get some drinks there."

But they were so close. ' You're going to cling like this the entire way there? '

"What? It's not like I'll fall off," Nicolette retorts, before her voice turns sly. "Don't tell me you're embarrassed, Wangy. Though I am holding you pretty tight..."

' Yeah, and getting cat hair all over me. '

"God, you're such a moodkiller." she punches his shoulder in irritation. "Whatever, I'm cold and this helps, so get moving."

I didn't say I minded, Wang Yi complains internally before he starts pedaling a second later.

Wait, why am I even listening to her? It's not like I owe her anything now?

But well, it is cold and Nicolette's arms nice and warm around him so...whatever, he'd figure this out the next day.

Or the next day. Or the next.

[monstersholygrail]

Drove up today and having a total beach day which has been amazing despite the heat. But it’s also giving me soooo many monster thoughts

Imagine you go up to one those boardwalk fortune teller machines and you think, ‘eh, why not. It could be fun.’ And it seems like the machine agrees with you as your jaw drops when you read the fortune. This tiny paper of fate claims that today you will get your world rocked by a creature out of this world.

First of all, how is a fortune like that even in there? Secondly, what the hell kind of fortune is this?! You look into the plastic eyes of the mystic woman and something within you says to believe her. To take this fortune seriously.

Turning to the beach just down the steps your eyes immediately fall onto the Tentacle Monster lifeguard, wondering if he’ll be the one to fulfill your fortune. His long tentacles curled around the high chair and you imagine what it would be like to ride him on top of it. To see the length of the beach while his tentacles reach deep inside you to places you’ve never been able to go.

Or maybe the pack of Wolf Hybrids down the way. Half of them playing volleyball on the beach and the other throwing around a frisbee. You imagine them passing you around, each of them having their turn with you as they fuck into your weeping holes, never letting you rest for even a moment as they cant get enough of feeling your wet heat suffocate their cocks.

A shiver passes through you and you quickly look away before you get ahead of yourself. And when you do your eyes can’t help but be drawn to the ocean.

Mermen popping their head up above the water. Hungrily watching the humans from afar. Your thoughts drift to swimming your way into the ocean and getting sucked under the waves. Before you know it a whole pod of them are swarming you, desperately stuffing their mouths, fingers, and cocks inside of you. Eager for your warmth to surround them and wanting to drown you in pleasure.

Perhaps other merfolk will join them. Shark Hybrids smelling your arousal from afar and using it to hunt you down so that they may feast on your flesh in the most toe curling way. Wanting nothing more than to devour you and make you cum harder than you could ever dream.

As you find yourself stepping toward the ocean, drawn to the temptation of what could be, your foot knocks into a cooler. An apology falls from your lips as you step back, only to see a suspiciously pale man hidden completely under an umbrella. And suddenly you know you won’t find your average drink in that cooler.

Your mind spins up the image of the Vampire man snatching you under his umbrella with inhumane speed. Dragging your body beneath him and ravaging you mercilessly. Preferring to get his blood from the source instead of his cooler. And as his fangs sink deep inside you, so does his cock. Both working to bring you to new heights of ecstasy, your mind growing foggy as he draws blood from you in time with the furious pumps of his hips until you can’t help but cum. Your release making your blood taste that much sweeter.

You quickly snap out of your thoughts, your chest quickly rising and falling with your panting breaths. Arousal gushes out of you, soaking your panties and bringing a wave of heat throughout your body.

You shift uneasily, hoping it isn’t too noticeable. Hoping they can’t smell it. But as each of them slowly turn to look at you, your hope fades away into nothing but more arousal. Not slowing yourself to second guess this, you walk closer to the ocean.

Ready to have the time of your life.

Thoughts anyone??

[flowersforbucky]

it's nice to have a friend

bucky barnes x reader

word count: 3.2k

summary: you're having the worst period you've had in a long time. bucky is determined to help you feel better.

author's note: this is a silly and smutty piece that i felt compelled to write when i got my period a few days ago!

warnings/tags: smutty, reader has a period, langauge, use of a vibrator, nipple stimulation, no use of y/n, use of a cbd gummy lol, 18+ only

Approximately every twenty-eight days, you curse the fact that you were born with a uterus and vagina. 

This month, however, you were cursing that fact a bit earlier than expected. Cycle day twenty three, to be exact. 

Your periods never start this early, but as soon as you opened your eyes at six o'clock this morning, you knew what had occured while you were asleep. You could feel the moisture that soaked through your underwear and pajama pants before you could turn on the light to see that your white sheets had been dyed bright crimson beneath where you'd been laying. 

One load of laundry with extra stain remover and as much Pamprin max strength as one can safely take later, you are curled up on the couch of the compound's living room with a cup of coffee and a heating pad turned up so high that you risk first degree burns. 

“Are you sure you don't want me to stay with you today? We can go to Coney Island another time,” Natasha tries to reason with you once again. 

“I promise I'll be okay here,” you assure her. “These cramps are killing me, I won't be any fun to hang out with today. Go, enjoy yourself. When is the next time that you'll all have a free day and weather this perfect?” You gesture towards the sunshine streaming through the living room windows. 

“If you're sure,” she caves after a few moments of hesitation. “Promise I’ll win you that stuffed panda that you wanted so badly last time.” 

“I am going to hold you to that,” you tell her in a faux-serious tone. 

After Natasha and the rest of your friends have left for their day of riding rollercoasters and eating hotdogs on the boardwalk, you turn on your comfort show and settle in for an unexciting and uncomfortable day by yourself. 

A few hours later, you decide you've sat in the same position for long enough - you can practically feel your body morphing to the sofa. You're walking to the kitchen to refill your water bottle and find something to snack on when you collide with what feels like a brick wall. 

A brick wall that happens to smell really, really fucking good. 

You step back, finding that the brick wall is staring at you with a confused look on his face. 

"What are you doing here?” Bucky asks as he glances you over from head to toe, taking in your choice of apparel - baggy sweats that are about two sizes too big for you, a cropped tank, and fuzzy slippers. You resist the urge to cross your arms over your stomach - you didn't think anyone else would be here today and the tank top you're wearing doesn't exactly conceal the period bloat you're currently experiencing. 

"I live here,” you snap, a bit harsher than necessary. “What are you doing here?” 

“I also live here,” he says, returning your attitude. You roll your eyes, maneuvering your way around where he blocks the doorway. 

“What I mean,” he continues as he turns around, following you into the kitchen. “Is why aren't you with everyone at Coney Island?” 

“I could ask you the same question,” you challenge, pouring some more ice into your cup. “Steve never shuts up about the glory days, all the time the two of you spent at Coney Island. I'm surprised you're not there with him right now.” 

He huffs a laugh, pulling out one of the barstools at the kitchen's giant island and taking a seat. “We did spend a ridiculous amount of time at Coney Island,” he admits, his voice almost wistful. He hesitates before continuing, staring down at his hands as he traces a metal crevice on his left palm.

"But I haven't been to Coney Island since the forties. Guess I'm kinda scared it won't live up to my memories of it. Plus, I had a lot of laundry to catch up on, so..” he shrugs, trailing off. 

You're taken aback by the honesty of his explanation. “Yeah, well,” you start awkwardly, turning away from him to search through a cabinet for something to eat. “I can't say that I know what it was like in the forties, but it's one of my favorite places, present day.” 

“Then why are you hanging out by yourself while all of your friends are at one of your favorite places?” 

Damn it, you curse internally. He's really not going to drop this. What should I say, that my uterine lining is falling out in clumps? 

You grab a bag of freeze-dried fruit from the cabinet before turning back to face him, trying to come up with an excuse. 

“I just didn't sleep great–” you come to an abrupt stop in the middle of your sentence as a blinding pain shoots through your lower abdomen. The bag of fruit falls to the floor as you steady yourself on the ledge of the counter with one hand, clutching your stomach with the other. 

Bucky rises from his seat in an instant, closing the several feet of distance between the two of you in one big step. 

"Are you okay? What’s going on?” His hands are both extended to you in an offer of help. 

“I'm fine,” you say through a sharp intake of breath. “It’s.. it’s just cramps. Bad cramps,” you force the words out, propping your elbows up on the countertop to relax your body weight. 

“Oh,” he says as realization dawns on him. He bends down to grab the bag of fruit that lays next to your feet, and then places it on the table in front of you. “I guess that answers my question, then,” he adds, referring to why you didn't go to Coney Island. 

“Ya think?” You stand back upright, grabbing your snack and water bottle off of the counter. “Now, if you don’t mind, I have a busy day of bed-rotting ahead of me.” 

“Some exercise would help,” he calls when you're about to exit the kitchen. “Laying in bed won't do much for you. A little bit of light exercise to release some beta-endorphins, maybe an abdominal massage–” 

“Are you really man-splaining menstrual cycle pain management to me right now?” You ask, slowly turning to face him with an incredulous look on your face. “I wasn't aware that you had a medical license or that I asked for your opinion.” 

“Just trying to help, sweetheart,” he shrugs with a mischievous grin. 

“If you want to help, you can go get the Italian food that I'm craving and give me an abdominal massage yourself,” you practically spit at him. “Otherwise, keep the unsolicited advice to yourself and fuck off.” 

You turn back around and all but run out of the room before you can process the shocked, albeit pleased look on his face.  

After you've closed your bedroom door behind you (with perhaps a bit more force than necessary), you sink into the fresh sheets on your bed and shove several pieces of apricot into your mouth. 

Rationally, you knew that Bucky's advice was solid, and that he was just trying to get a reaction out of you. That's just the kind of friendship that the two of you have. Sarcastic, teasing and occasionally… tension-filled. 

You definitely didn't help the matter by telling him to massage your abdomen, but what does he expect when he suggests something as horrible as exercising during a time that you simply want nothing more than to melt into your mattress? 

Your cell phone chimes from the pocket of your sweatpants. You dig it out and look at the text displayed across your lock screen. 

Bucky Barnes: What kind of Italian food, specifically? 

You would never admit it to him, but the corners of your mouth tug upwards into a smirk as you read his message. 

You type: Don't you have a lot of laundry to catch up on? and press send. The message is marked as “read” right away. 

He types. And types. And types some more – until those three dots indicating a message in progress disappear. 

Whatever. You click your phone off and toss it somewhere in the covers around you. 

The next couple hours are spent sitting under the near scalding stream of your shower, and then reading on your Kindle in the dark. As jealous as you are that your friends are undoubtedly having a blast today, you honestly don't mind your current situation - aside from feeling like your organs are being pulled out of your vagina, you hardly ever have days with zero obligations other than to just relax in whatever way you see fit. 

A strong knock on your door causes you to lose your place on the page. 

"You didn't give me a legitimate answer so I hope you like gnocchi, or eggplant parmesan, or traditional lasagna, or extra breadsticks..” 

“You know, it's not funny to joke about carbs to someone when they are–” 

You come to a stop in the middle of your sentence when you swing your door open to see him holding several plastic bags. An aroma of garlic and herbs hits you in the face. 

Oh. Not a joke, then. 

He extends one of the bags to you with his big, blue puppy dog eyes. You take it from him, opening the door further as an invitation to enter your bedroom. 

"Consider this a peace offering,” he says, placing the other bags of food on your bed and perching awkwardly on the edge of your mattress. You close the door behind you, walking back to where you had previously been lounging on the bed. 

“I'm sorry for being a smartass,” he adds more genuinely. “I just.. didn't like seeing you in pain. That's all.” 

“This is far from my first period,” you shrug, not meeting his stare. “You get used to it after a while. But consider yourself forgiven.” 

He gives you a small smile when you finally look up at him. He grabs a smaller bag that you hadn't noticed him carrying, one that is visibly less full than the others. He reaches inside, pulling out a small jar that he hands over to you. 

Your brows furrow as you inspect it closely. “CBD gummies?” You ask, your brows now raising quizzically. You open the jar, popping one of the pink, cube-shaped gummies into your mouth. “Watermelon flavored CBD gummies?” 

You notice the faintest trace of blush bloom across his cheeks. “I take them sometimes to help me sleep,” he starts, fiddling with some of the beading on your comforter. “But they can help with all different kinds of pain too, so I just thought you might like some.” 

You close the jar, placing it on your bedside table before reaching over and grabbing his flesh hand in yours. “Thank you, Bucky,” you say, giving his hand a squeeze and then releasing it. “Really. I appreciate all of this.” You try to ignore the jolt of electricity that buzzes through you when your skin comes in contact with his. His hand is both softer and warmer than you would have imagined. It brings you back to the last words that you spewed at him in the kitchen earlier. 

"A shit ton of pasta and CBD gummies,” you snort a laugh. “Would I be pushing my luck if I asked for that abdominal massage too?” You say it in a way that sounds halfway serious, halfway joking. 

“If that's what you want,” he says lowly, turning to angle his body towards you on the bed. “Then just say the word.” 

The air in your room suddenly feels suffocating. 

It is what you want - but you're at a loss for words. So instead of a verbal response, you scoot over to the middle of the bed, closer to where he sits on the opposite side. You lay down so that your back is flat against the mattress, your head propped up by a single pillow. 

Bucky's eyes widen in surprise, but he quickly wipes the look of astonishment from his features. He moves so that he's sitting directly next to your legs, giving him a proper angle to put his hands on your lower stomach. 

You're wearing the same sweatpants and tank top from earlier, having thrown the outfit back on after your shower. The loose sweatpants hang low enough to expose your hip bones and the edge of your underwear. 

The intimacy of the entire situation hits you the second that his hands make contact with your skin. 

“Tell me if you want me to stop,” he murmurs, perhaps sensing your nerves. “Or if I do anything that doesn't feel good.” 

Your eyes shut instinctively at the polar opposite sensations of his flesh and vibranium hands. Skin and metal, fire and ice.

“I will,” you assure him. Your words come out breathier than intended. 

There's an immediate relief in your lower stomach as he rubs languid circles across your midriff. It's a feeling beyond pleasure as the cramps fade the more he touches you. 

His vibranium pinky dances along the waistband of your underwear, causing goosebumps to spread across your skin. You try to focus on the relief he's bringing you - not the fact that you're wearing a thin tank top that leaves so much of your skin on display, giving him a clear view of the goosebumps that he's caused. 

He continues with the precise motions until the pain in your abdomen has faded nearly entirely - you feel so good that you can't stop yourself from letting out the smallest moan when his flesh hand applies just the right amount of pressure near your pelvis. 

You know he heard it - there's no way he didn't. Just as you know there's no way that he doesn't notice your fully hardened nipples through the thin fabric of your tank top. 

You keep your eyes closed, terrified to meet his gaze in this state. You dread the moment that you feel his hands pull away from your skin. 

"You know,” he starts, his voice possessing a strained edge. “I don't think this is good enough for you.” 

Your eyes shoot open, looking at him in a nervous confusion. There's a glimmer in his eyes that you can't quite pinpoint - his stare trailing to your bedside table on the opposite side of you. “But I think I do know what could make you feel much better.” 

“What are you talking about?” Your voice quivers as you follow his stare. You're not sure what he's looking at - all that sits on your nightstand is the CBD gummies he had just given you, your Kindle, a few books, a bottle of lotion, and the Himalayan salt lamp that paints you both in an orange glow. 

He smirks before leaning across you - keeping his vibranium hand pressed firmly on your belly as he uses his flesh hand to pull open the drawer of the small table. 

“Hey! What are you–” but he retrieves the object he’s looking for before you can finish questioning him. You freeze at what he's holding in his hand. 

Your vibrator. Your glittery, lavender colored vibrator. 

“How the fuck did you–” 

“Do you think I can't hear you using this from across the hallway late at night?” He grins smugly. “That I can't hear your little whimpers when you think everyone's asleep?” 

Your face heats up a hundred degrees. You don't know whether to be infuriated or massively turned on. 

Both. You're definitely feeling a mix of both. 

He clicks the power button, turning on the device to its lowest setting. He watches you for a moment, giving you ample time to tell him to fuck off.

Instead, you once again relax against the pillow, your body going limp for him. You spread your legs the slightest bit. 

He takes this as his signal to proceed. Not taking his eyes off of your face, he trails the head of the wand from your lower stomach and over the fabric of your sweatpants until he reaches the apex of your thighs. Your nipples pucker once again, your thighs clenching around the tip of the vibrator. 

Bucky moves the device in a circular motion, making your back arch off the bed and your head tip back. 

How is it that it feels better when he massages you with it through your fucking pants than it does when you use it on your bare pussy? 

You hear the clicking of a button again, and the force of the vibration over your clothed cunt increases. You grind down on the device, desperate for friction. 

Bucky watches you with something akin to pride on his face. 

“You know how I told you to tell me if I do something you don't like?” He asks as he pushes the head of the wand directly down on your clit with the perfect amount of pressure. 

“Yeah,” you answer - it comes out like a moan that you'd hear in a porno.

“Good girl,” he praises. “Remember that.” 

Before you can clear your head enough to wonder what he means, he's tugging up the cotton fabric of your tank top and exposing your breasts. 

You gasp at the sensation of the cool air blowing from the AC coming in contact with your already hard nipples. Bucky leans forward, keeping the vibrator on your core, and captures one of your nipples in his mouth. 

Your hand immediately goes to his hair, tugging the soft brown locks in your fingers to keep him in place. His free hand grasps your other breast, rolling your nipple between his fingers. 

The combination of pleasure radiating from your pussy and his hand and mouth on you is fucking perfect. Fucking perfect, and all too much. 

You clench your thighs together, riding against the vibrator until you feel warmth spreading through your lower belly. 

“Oh my god, Bucky,” you moan - he groans when you say his name, the vibration sending you tumbling over the edge. You come hard, possibly harder than any other orgasm you've had in your life, thoroughly soaking your panties. 

When you've finished writhing beneath him, Bucky pulls back, removing both his mouth and the vibrator. He clicks the device off, tossing it towards the foot of your bed. 

You're panting, staring up at the ceiling, trying to process what the fuck just happened when you hear Bucky let out a low chuckle. 

Your eyes snap to him, finding that he looks thoroughly pleased with himself. 

"Can't say that's how I expected the day to go when I decided to sit this Coney Island trip out,” he sighs. 

“You can say that again.” You sit upright, bending your legs and crossing them at the ankles. You lean forward, tugging your shirt back into place before pulling one of the bags of food to you. 

"We should go sometime soon. Together,” you add, somewhat nervously. You aren't sure why - the guy just gave you the best orgasm of your life (and barely even touched you). 

“Are you asking me on a date?” that sly smile reappears. 

You shrug. “Yeah, I suppose I am.” 

"Then my answer is yes. But only if you share some of this food with me.” 

♡♡♡♡♡

my masterlist

thanks so much for reading!!! can anyone tell that i really fucking love food by how often i incorporate it into my writing? 😅

[sleeplessdreamer14]

𝓌𝒽𝑒𝓃 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓀𝓃𝑜𝓌 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓀𝓃𝑜𝓌

fandom: gravity falls

relationship: stanford pines x reader

summary: the moment Ford realized he liked you. 

contains: stan being stan, the uh-oh moment, and pining

Ford wasn’t the most social person, to put it plainly. Despite his popularity amongst his teachers at school and the odd handful of classmates, he normally preferred his own company, otherwise his family’s. It had been that way for a long time, and it seemed like it would remain so for the foreseeable future.

And so it did. That is, until he met you, which he did not see coming. 

You had this welcoming presence about you, that much was clear by the way you spoke to him for the first time in the seventh grade, remaining mostly unfazed by his sixth digit aside from the initial surprise. The first time he caught himself rambling about parapsychology and anomalistics, he found no judgment or disinterest in your expression. In fact, you were actually listening, setting down whatever you were doing just to give him your undivided attention. That was a first. It felt nice to have someone (who wasn’t his brother or mother) listen to him. 

And the energy was returned, as he indulged your interests too. Before he knew it, Ford would often seek out your company, whether his brother was available or not, and the two of you could usually be found bouncing ideas off of each other. The room seemed to brighten when you came into view, your presence made him feel comfortably warm inside. Whenever you two parted ways, it always felt too soon, just like it did now.

“Oh my gosh.”

Stan’s voice drew Ford’s attention away from you as you left.

“What?” he asked, mildly perturbed by the wily grin on his brother’s face. Stan just chuckled and nudged him, “You’ve got it so bad, it’s almost embarrassing.” he teased, to which Ford lightly shoved him away, beginning their route back home from the pier. 

“Stanley, come on. They’re my friend just as they are yours. They’re good company.” he said, glancing off to the side, as if that could conceal the rosy pink hue on his face, but Stan remained undeterred. “Sixer, face it. You’re whipped with a capital wh-pshh!” he said, smacking one hand with his other for emphasis. 

“I am not- look, [Name] is very kind and a good friend, I appreciate that. It’s not like I lie awake at night thinking about them.”

Several hours later, it was well past nightfall and everyone in the Pines household was fast asleep, save Ford. 

Up on the top bunk, he laid on his back, hands folded over his midriff as his chest heaved slowly and his heart thrummed steadily beneath its surface. That warmth was still present, especially around his face. His conversation with Stanley had been playing on loop all evening.

Of course Ford liked you, heck, he was crazy about you. You were so nice to him and fun to be around, your enthusiasm was so endearing, and you never treated his abnormalities as though they were defects.

And you weren’t bad to look at either, of course, like earlier that afternoon on the boardwalk when the sun’s light highlighted your features. He could stare at you for hours. The way you diminished his resolve just by looking his way and smiling at him was so positively-

Oh.

Oh. 

“Oh no.”

Ford could just faintly hear a sleepy chuckle from his brother in the bunk below him. 

if this gets enough notes I’ll write a part 2

[comatosebunny09]

cotton candy clouds | sylus

summary: you guilt-trip sylus into taking you to the carnival. you get caught up in more than just the festivities, hidden feelings finally coming to light. genres: romance, fluff, minor angst warnings: kissing, unrequited (not really) feelings, tender touches, pet names, incredibly self indulgent, profanity, cheesy af, fuck fate notes: limerence au, but a little less pain. now playing: siren guitar - carlos carty

Well, it seemed like a good idea. 

Until it wasn’t. 

You see, the boardwalk wasn’t too far of a walk from your bungalow. You saw the Ferris Wheel gleaming in the near distance from the passenger window of Sylus’ rental. Caught sight of it on the ride back after spending the morning with him.

The carnival beckoned to you. Taking you was the least Sylus could do after torturing you with restricting dresses and uncomfortable heels all weekend. And he could sweeten the deal by winning you a plushie and stuffing you full of cotton candy. 

Sylus relented with a chuckle, pulling the car into the carport. Good on you for suggesting you travel on foot to the boardwalk after you dropped your bags at the house. He looked like he wanted to contest you, gaze turned skyward like he knew something was amiss. Instead, he shrugged and settled his dark shades onto his face, following your lead. 

The carnival was lively. 

It smelled of funnel cake, smoked turkey legs, and lubed machinery. People milled about, their glee staining the stratosphere. Carnies coerced you into trying for prizes. You had an armful of colorful plushies with a grin to match by mid-afternoon, courtesy of your boss and his impeccable aim. 

If you hadn't known any better, you swore you were on a date. But you knew that could never be, given the state of your relationship and your position in Sylus’ life. 

You were halfway through a candied apple when Mother Nature decided, ah, that’s enough fun. 

The sky, once a bright cyan with a golden sun pinned to its center, gave way to ominous, dark gray clouds. Thunder followed, and eventually, the nimbus clouds opened up to pelt the boardwalk below with its glacial downpour.

You scattered along with the other carnival goers, Sylus in tow, the spoils of your endeavor forgotten. On the race back to the bungalow, he grabbed your hand, and you laughed like two carefree adolescents as he tugged you across the sand to your temporary lodging. 

You were breathless when you reached the porch, shoving into the warm sanctity of the entryway with a “Hurry, hurry!”

It was quiet inside. 

The light pouring in through the sliding doors and windows illuminated the stilled space. Your teeth chattered as Sylus helped divest you of your clothes in the living room. Such a gentleman, his gaze never dipping past your collarbones as he tore his sweater from his shoulders. He left you briefly, taking his warmth with him to light a fire beneath the mantle. 

Clad only in your undergarments, you pawed at him, giggling amid your shivering when he came back to drape you in an oversized throw. 

He led you to the high-pile rug in front of the fire. Sat down cross-legged, drawing you into his lap. He shrouded the pair of you in the throw blanket, his arms encasing your middle, hands smoothing over your arms to ward off the cold.

For a while, you sat like that, watching the fire kindle. Chuckling, panting, and existing in the moment until your shared quivering abated, and only the rhythm of your even breaths, the crackling fire logs, and distant waves crashing against the shore colored the air. 

Even now, you sit like this, still housed in Sylus’ lap and arms, his chin notched in the hollow of your shoulder. He absently rocks your body side to side, his occasional pleased hum vibrating your spine.

You’re no longer a sopping, chattering mess. You’re much warmer than before, Sylus’ proximity causing your cheeks to prickle with heat. You don’t want to disrupt the mood that’s descended onto your shoulders. Ignore the complicated thoughts and feelings that burble to the surface, threatening to bare themselves in the face of your peace. 

He feels too good. Smells even better, the scent of his cologne easing the tension from your shoulders. And a glance at him in your periphery reveals his lashes fluttering, eyes closed in what you assume is contentedness. You study him for a beat or two, ingesting the peachy tone stippling his cheek and the pretty curl of his lips. He looks so boyish and unguarded this way, his hair falling into his face, and you find yourself wanting to see this side of him more often.

“You look like you want to say something,” he teases through a smile, thumb cruising over the skin of your belly.

You shake your head no, eyes wide like you’ve been caught rifling through the cookie jar. 

His hold on you stiffens the slightest. “Am I making you uncomfortable?” He moves to pull away, but you quickly ensnare his wrists with your hands, quietly imploring him to stay. He acquiesces, holding to you a little tighter. Nuzzles a little more affectionately, inhaling deep the warm aroma of your skin.

“What’s on your mind,” he queries on an exhale, tenderness lancing through his question. He almost sounds like he’s afraid to scare you off. Afraid to let you go, swept up in the spell of the moment and the sensation of your body against his.

Your lips pull into a rigid, thoughtful line. Your pulse thrums in your ears, and you rub cautious thumbs over the veins pulsing in Sylus’ hands as you study the geometric patterns of the rug. Sighing, you figure it’s best to broach the subject now rather than let it fester.

“Is this alright?” you timidly ask. Uncharacteristic of you, but in light of everything that’s transpired since he whisked you away on this impromptu vacation, you’ve become even more confused and unsure of yourself.

Sylus shifts, drawing back until you feel his eyes on the side of your face. In the corner of your vision, he cants his head quizzically, lips parting.

“What do you mean?”

The angle is awkward, your neck straining. But you turn as best you can to look at him, and the puzzled pinch of his brows makes your chest tighten. 

“I mean, us being this…close. Is it really okay?” Your question hangs in the air like the pop and fizz of the fire. You watch his Adam’s Apple bob whilst he swallows, and he scrutinizes you, the cogs in his mind slowly turning. 

“Is this a problem? Because if I’m making you uncomfortable, sweetheart—”

“Sylus, that’s…that’s not what I mean.”

He watches your lips tremble. Expression still reads like he has no idea what you’re on about. He strokes up your arm, encouraging you to elaborate. With another weighted sigh pushing through your nostrils, you relent.

“I mean, like…what the hell are we doing here?” Try as you like to mask your frustration, bits and pieces of it leak into your words. You clench your fists in your lap, brows furrowing as your eyes burn and glaze over with the threat of tears. “Why did you bring me here? The last few days have been so… wonderful and confusing, and I—I just wanna know where I stand with you.”

The past weekend with your boss has played out like a dream. 

It began when Sylus snatched you away from the arctic darkness of the N109 Zone in favor of something brighter, more low-key. Wanted you to take a load off after employing you for so long. To show his appreciation for you laying your life on the line for him each day.

He bought you gifts at every turn. Said things that thoroughly derailed your perception of him. Touched you in ways that, although weren’t sexual in nature, lit a fire within you and gave you an inkling of hope. Hope that he cared for you as much as you pined for him despite his history with the Hunter. 

You knew it wasn’t right to covet him like that. But you couldn’t help yourself, and how he’d been behaving since you arrived on the island only worsened matters. He treated you like a lover more than his subordinate, and you needed—no, deserved—an explanation for the sudden shift in tone. 

“I thought it was obvious,” he half-chuckles, shaking his head whilst pinching the bridge of his nose. 

As if you’re the problem here.

You make a sound. Maneuver yourself in his lap to get a better look at him, fixing him with a perturbed look. Explain, demands the quirk of your brows. 

“Well, it’s been brought to my attention that maybe I haven’t been completely clear with my intentions.” 

Sylus shifts you around in his lap until you’re straddling him, your legs framing his hips, wrists instinctively crossing behind his neck. He drapes his arms about your waist, a wide, possessive hand at the small of your back to hold you in place. He peers at you with all the softness of the world, and from your vantage point, you make out the amber flecks nestled between the crimson wash of his irises.

He tilts his head, quietly studying you. Turning over the right words in his mind. “I care about you.” His voice is low and abrasive, but the crackle of it sparks in your chest like steel dragged across a flint stone. 

Your breath hitches, and you watch him with widened eyes and parted lips.

“I care about you. Maybe more than I should. Perhaps more than I deserve to, but I do. And you mean more to me than mere words can illustrate.”

Great. Now you feel absolutely horrible amid the butterflies piling in your stomach. “Sylus—”

He chuckles sardonically, glancing off to the side. “I thought that by bringing you here, I could make it inherently clear how I feel about you. No distractions. No outside forces. Nothing standing between us.”

Unconsciously, you gather his cheeks into your hands. Lure his gaze back to yours, and the look in his eyes makes your stomach somersault. You’ve never seen him so wounded. Like he fears your rejection, yet he’s determined to set the record straight.

Sylus’ voice steeps a few octaves when he closes in, his warm breath fanning over your lashes. You feel dizzy like you would collapse if not for his virile arms keeping you fastened to him. 

“Fate be damned,” he whispers. Molds his hand to the nape of your neck, fingers easing up into the delicate hair that resides there, and you shiver when his gaze slacks to your lips. “You were an oversight—a pleasant oversight. A detour in my plans that I didn’t anticipate. A detour I don’t regret taking.”

His lips graze yours, and you’re panting as pleasant tingles ricochet up your spine.

“You occupy all of my thoughts.” Sigh. “You ruin me,” he husks, sealing your chest to his. “I don’t want anyone else but you. And I know your mind has more than likely convinced you otherwise. But I’m here to say that I truly…” He draws back to kiss the tip of your nose. “Honestly…” Brands the corner of your mouth with the languid drag of his lips. “—pine for no one else. You’re the only person I want in this lifetime.”

“Sylus,” you halfway sob in the slither of space between your mouths, every nerve in your body trained to the feel of him.

“Yes, sweetheart?”

You swallow thickly, your mouth dry, your mind fogging over. “You gonna keep waxing poetic, or are you gonna kiss me?”

He snorts out a laugh at your impatience, cupping your jaw with a tender, sweltering hand. “There is nothing I would like more,” he breathes, luring you closer for a taste of your lips. 

[saltstarzz]

“𝐈'𝐯𝐞 𝐆𝐨𝐭 𝐌𝐲 𝐒𝐢𝐱 𝐄𝐲𝐞𝐬 𝐀𝐥𝐥 𝐎𝐧 𝐘𝐨𝐮,”

𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐬: clingy!gojo x AFAB reader, SFW + NSFW. SFW: cuddling + kissing + silliness + touching + close proximity NSFW: pussy eating + rough pace + creampie + breeding kink + brief pregnancy mention + whining + pleading + aftercare

𝐚/𝐧: hello, this is technically my first post here and my first fic. had Gojo brainrot and needed to write it.

: ̗̀➛ 𝐒𝐅𝐖

clingy!gojo never once saw himself being a clingy lover by any means. He was a busy man, and never tended to stay in one place for too long, and never stayed with one person for too long either. Until you came crashing into his life.

suddenly, clingy!gojo is practically begging the higher-ups to let him stay just a little longer in japan so he can stay with you for just an extra day or so.

If clingy!Gojo had problems with personal space before, it absolutely skyrockets when you two begin dating. he's always so close to you. a couple inches to your hip, or behind you. trails alongside you when you two go out, always in your personal space by barely inches.

always has to be touching you. it's practically habit now for clingy!gojo to slip an arm around your waist to hug you closer to him or intertwine your fingers, or even sling his arm around your shoulder. he does it so much that even his students grow used to it, expecting their teacher to always be attached to your hip whenever you're around.

clingy!gojo takes initiative with every date he plans. it's always extravagant or extremely childish like a trip to an amusement park on a summer afternoon or a fancy restaurant out on a boardwalk, there's no middle ground. he's giddy and on the day of the outing, he's up under you, constantly prattling on about his plans for day while practically hip to hip.

clingy!gojo was frivolous before you started dating, and it's absolutely ramped up now that you're together. oftentimes, your shopping trips come out to thousands of yen, and clingy!gojo doesn't even bat an eye. get that cute bag you've been looking at, or those pairs of shoes you saw online, he'll cover it. sometimes, when he's away on missions overseas, he comes back with piles of souvenirs for you, all nonsensical little trinkets that reminded him of you like stickers of the American flag or pins from Spain.

and finally, when clingy!gojo is forced on a mission that takes him away from you, even for a week, he blows up your phone with nonsensical messages about his day and calls you any chance he gets. quick short sentences telling you about a bird he saw or that he stubbed his toe, and long calls where sometimes you two aren't even talking. you'll be cooking with the TV in the back and he's riding public transport, but it's the fact you two are somewhat connected, even miles away that puts clingy!gojo at ease.

“Satoru, we talked about this,” you chuckle softly, looking down at the piles and piles of trinkets and souvenirs piled up on the dining table. Keychains, and pins, and even bottle openers and handfuls of stamps, all from Brazil. “We don't have any room for more souvenirs,” you remind him gently.

And unsurprisingly, Satoru is pouting. His back straight as he stares down at the piles of souvenirs on the dining table like he's mourning the fact he can't take a stray pet home. His lips juts out and his hip is practically touching yours.

“Honey...” you gently begin but Satoru cuts you off by gently sliding out a long keychain beneath the pile.

“We can't even keep this one?” he asks, his free hand sliding into yours.

It's a keychain with your name emblazoned onto it in white text with a cheap background of a Brazilian beach. The plastic is scratched up, but there's clearly thought taken to it.

You sigh. You've never been good at telling Satoru no, especially not now with his lip jutted out and his blue eyes shimmering at you behind his blue glasses.

“Fine...”

NSFW below this cut: Minors, please DNI

: ̗̀➛ 𝐍𝐒𝐅𝐖

clingy!gojo is on an absolute mission when you two have sex. it's never routine and clingy!gojo is absolutely happy to do it. falls to his knees at the edge of the bed with your legs loosely over his shoulders and he sucks and licks and eats at your pussy like it's all he knows how to do. (bonus points if it's just after a mission)

clingy!gojo adores everything about your pussy. thinks about it constantly and when he's got it, he focuses on nothing but it. drives two of his long fingers deep into you, one at a time while he works you up to it with his tongue and slow, deep plunges. absolutely talks you through it too, nonsensical rambling consisting of a lot of L-bombs and praises, while he licks and toys with your clit.

clingy!gojo fucking loves foreplay. adores touching you and kissing over your breasts or along your tummy or running his hands up and down your sides to send goosebumps on your skin. it's his favorite thing in the entire world.

when you and clingy!gojo do end up fucking though, clingy!gojo is an absolute puddle. the moment the tip is in, clingy!gojo practically melts. his shoulders relax and his long white lashes flutter and he's groaning. thrusts all the way in the moment he feels your pussy flutter around his tip.

clingy!gojo buries his face into your shoulder while you two have sex, or into the crook of your neck. his hips are driving his cock into you over and over again at a quick and hard pace that's so mind numbingly good, you two are both basically brainless.

clingy!gojo 1 billion percent holds your hands while you fuck. intertwines your fingers with his and even kisses your knuckles or your fingers. such a big hand holder.

clingy!gojo is extremely vocal during sex too. whining about how tight you are, and how much he loves your pussy. his voice rarely cracks, but he's an absolute mess and he can't help it. pleads with you to let him go a little deeper or to let him cum inside, with the latter being on days when it's been too long since you two have had sex.

and clingy!gojo isn't even super kinky, but the days that you're safe and he can cum inside, clingy!gojo takes full advantage of it. mumbles and pleads with you to let him put a baby in you. not to give his clan an heir, but just to let him. he wants to see your tummy round and growing bigger with each passing month and that's enough to get his cock twitching. he knows you can't, given birth control or simple safe days, but he loves the idea, melts when he thinks about it.

when clingy!gojo does finally cum, he cums for a long ass time. cock nestled deep into your pussy, as rope after rope of cum flows freely into you. he's shaking through it all and sucking in breaths through his teeth, until he can finally relax.

clingy!gojo, no matter how vanilla or rough your night can be, always includes aftercare. though he doesn't specifically call it aftercare, clingy!gojo does it every night. gets you all cleaned up, rubs out any tension in your hibs or if you've had a particularly rough night, he rubs his hands soothingly over your ass. prepares a bath for you if it's harder to stand, or a shower for you both. changes out the sheets, and cuddles you throughout the night, practically crushing you under his weight.

“Satoru-- Nnh, shit!”

Deep plunge after deep plunge, you can feel the head of his cock pressing just right on a little spot inside of you. It hits its mark right every single time, and has your vision going fuzzy. You're sopping wet, soaking little rings into his cock and wetting his white hairs with every deep thrust that brings you two hip to hip.

“Satoru!”

Your boyfriend has his head nestled into the crook of your neck, his fingers intertwined with yours, pressing them down into the satin sheets. He's panting and groaning into your skin, sweat rolling down in gentle droplets over his skin.

“Baby, please... Please, let me cum inside. Please, please, please. I can't pull out. I don't want to pull out...” he whines, his voice uncharacteristically high, full of whining and pleasing.

You're not surprised he'd ask you that. Satoru loved to cum inside and watch his seed flow out from your pussy before he licked you clean. But Satoru doesn't simply stop there tonight.

“I need to put a baby in you...”

Probably a slip of the tongue, but if Satoru meant to correct himself he never does. He lifts his head as his thrusts become even faster, feverish and needy. “I need you to have my kids, baby, I need every fucking drop inside you.”

[junedenim]

2004

beneath the boardwalk, part 2 (series masterlist)

i bet you look good on the dancefloor

warnings: fluff, angst, a little smutty, the whole shebang, offensive language (posh-shaming), etc.

word count: 19.6k

In Alex's bedroom, there is a splatter of ink on the wall that looks like a Rorschach test. It has a big splotch in the middle with droplets surrounding it. It's on the wall next to his bed and you could look at it for hours, study layers of it. Butterfly, moth, bat, or what I would later insinuate several times: a vagina.

Despite the distance between High Green and Wakefield, I would drive over to Alex's house about every other weekend once the spring semester had begun. It had started as a plan to work on our writing with one another before it became more of an excuse to hang out with one another. Alex would later confess to me that he never did much songwriting in general, minus a few exceptions, when we were there. Instead, he did unrefined, rough drawings of mostly clutter-filled nonsense. Later, when I went away to university, I found one of the sketches cut into a bookmark, placed by Alex in my notebook. The sketch was of a girl with hair that was too long drooped over while writing in her notebook. It wasn't what critics would consider good, but it was me in Alex's eyes, and I think that did me greater justice than any other portrayal of me.

We didn't talk much. For those months, his mum would joke that we were "going steady." I wrote more than I ever did in my life because Alex wouldn't allow me to do anything else. He'd shush me when I tried to speak to him, insisting that he was in the middle of a lyrical masterpiece. In reality, he was practicing writing with his left hand. 

Most of that material is lost to time. That notebook disappeared around '07 and is suspected to have been lost when my parents moved out of our Wakefield home. During that time I mostly wrote fiction, personal essays were reserved for my diary. Alex never read anything in that notebook with the exception of one page that I had ripped out, folded up into a swan, and placed in his pocket before I left for university. It's the only page that remains and still sits in Alex's nightstand drawer.

I stayed for dinner for the first time in February. His mother, Penny, insisted that it was ridiculous I make the drive back home on an empty stomach. I don't think Alex had people over for dinner often, maybe Matt occasionally when they were younger, but I think most nights were confined to him and his parents. 

They spoke quietly, much like Alex did, but they were funny and had an overt interest in me.

"Have you lived in Wakefield your whole life?" His father asked me.

"Uh, no, I lived the first few years of my life in Frankfurt, Germany—" 

My explanation was cut short by Penny gasping. I feared the kitchen had caught fire. "Alexander!" She chastised, for the first time hearing someone call him by his full first name. "You didn't tell me this."

Alex tried to keep his laughter over his mother to himself, looking down at his plate. "I didn't know."

"Did Alex tell you I'm a German teacher? Probably not since he apparently doesn't tell anyone anything." She pointedly said to her son.

I laughed because it was sweet and, more obvious to only me, even then, my parents never did this. Stacey didn't even joke around anymore. We didn't eat dinner at the table unless we had guests, which were almost exclusively my dad's co-workers.

"Are your parents German?" Penny was eager. She had found a connection with the girl who had been taken hostage in her son's room for the past month. Alex's parents were reassured that nothing was going on between the two of us and that they had no issues with closed doors. I suppose my parents didn't either but they were likely in a different parenting style than Penny and David.

"No," I said, "my dad's work was over there. He grew up near Newcastle. My mum was born in Moscow but grew up over in the States."

"Wow, so, how'd they meet?"

I laughed. I didn't plan to tell the story but Penny was curious and my laughter had to be explained. "Um," I cleared my voice, "my parents met through my dad's wife. Ex-wife." A famed story in our family. My parents oddly toted this loudly to us as children like it was some romantic tale.

I sipped my water, laughing into it as I watched the members of the table try and contain a reaction. Then, Alex let out his laughter and I had to join in. Rumbling the glass of water I was drinking out of. David and Penny, with our invitation, joined in.

At the end of the night, Penny hugged me and told me to get home safely. "I'd like to hear more life stories from you."

Alex, overhearing, chimed in, "Yeah, she should write a book about them."

It began the tradition that at least once a month, I would have dinner with David and Penny. 

The following week, right at the tail end of February when the heating in Alex's room broke, I sat on his bed, under the covers. He, of course, sat over top of them in his jeans and trainers. It was disgusting but it was his bed so I was rejected the right to criticize him over it.

I had grown bored of writing and had become interested in Alex. Since my kissing faux pas, I had made a great effort to uninterest myself in Alex. It was going okay until he forced me into these writing sessions. I was never able to crack Alex completely. I could figure out things about him, read my way through him, but I was never able to fully deduce why he refused to kiss me but wanted to spend time alone with me. Now, I'd tell you he was being a friend. Then, I'd tell you, he had to be gay. 

Yet, I knew he wasn't and I couldn't stop wondering why he didn't like hanging out with me when other people were involved. Joanie had brought up the idea of a double date but Alex made a sound and shook his head before insistently saying, "Jane's just me friend." He didn't like hanging around Joanie much, I could understand that much. But we didn't hang out with Matt together and he rejected hanging with AB & Claire, which was fine. We weren't dating or anything.

Joanie and Claire would both tease me about Alex. They both figured we spent Saturdays fucking our brains out, not silently sitting across from one another. Not talking with his mum more than him. I, like Alex, would insist we were nothing more than friends, but in my head I was playing another game where Alex and I were in a secret relationship, hiding it from our friends, so secret Alex didn't even know about it.

I didn't delude myself much. I didn't expect him to change his mind on me but I did fantasize maybe he would. I liked being his friend too. I liked looking at him like "friends" do. 

"I'm done!" I announced. I shut my notebook and placed my pen on top of it.

He didn't look up from his book. He shushed me. Scrunched up his nose and moved his pen quickly. This might have been one of the few times he was writing. 

I folded my hands into my lap and waited. His pen rushed across the page, then scratched something out, then continued for another surge of writing. Alex looked up, squinted at me, and then returned to writing.

"It's time for me to go!" I began to move over to him at the end of the bed. Fists on his mattress like a gorilla.

Alex shushed me again. I was about to start beating my chest. I laid my head next to his legs, criss-crossed under his notebook. I stretched myself out and saw his eyes glance down at the gap my shirt had created, belly button exposed. I yawned and he kept writing.

"Aren't you going to say goodbye?"

He didn't even bother shushing this time. He was reaching the bottom of the page but I was whiny and bored and desperately didn't want to go home. 

I sat up and attempted to spin my pen like Matt did with his drumsticks. I'd tried to learn but Matt wasn't a very good teacher or maybe I wasn't a very good student, likely the latter. I stared intensely at Alex, bulging my eyes, trying to will his head to look up. Writing, writing, writing.

Then, my pen flew. It launched out of my hands, spinning quickly before smacking against his wall. The ink landed and I covered my mouth with my hands, trying to hide my laugh. 

Alex looked up, searching for the sound, "What'd you do?" He followed my eyes and looked at the stain forming, and then he looked back over at me, silently laughing into my hands.

"I'm so sorry." My laugh was noticeable no matter my efforts to hide it. I became loud and tried to take deep breaths to hide it but then it grew uncontrollable. "I don't know what happened." And then he laughed too.

*

Alex liked my car. It was a black 2002 Volkswagen New Beetle. Besides AB and me, none of our friends had their own cars. AB only had a car because he worked in his father's garage shop and the car was a clunker. Will used to have one too but he crashed it on New Year's Day 2003. 

Alex would insist, mostly when I got bored of writing and complaining in his ear, that we take a ride in the Beetle. He made too many Beatles puns that I rolled my eyes at but to this day, I wish I had written them down to have as relics from that period of our lives. He'd flip through the radio too many times. Then, he'd shut it off and ask if I had any CDs.

"Sugababes?" He'd once question with a chuckle. He has a habit of distracting me while driving. 

I furrowed my brows. "What's wrong with Sugababes?"

Then, he'd pull his face together and put it back in the console. "Nothing, nothing."

We never drove anywhere in particular. Sometimes we went to City Centre, sometimes I drove Al to work. Most of the time we just drove around. I didn't know too much of High Green but quickly learned every corner of it with Alex as my tour guide.

One time we stopped at the Charlton Brook Dam and I was lying on my stomach, kicking my feet behind me, and writing in my notebook. Very teenage dream writing in "Dear Diary..." For the first time, Alex groaned.

I looked up and he was staring up at the sky, almost directly into the sun. He hadn't bothered to take his notebook out, still in his back pocket.

"What?" I asked.

He slowly shook his head.

I sat up properly. "No, come on, what are you groaning all about for?"

Alex sighed and rubbed his eye. "I don't think—I don't know—I don't think I can write near water." This was long before I knew of his mostly empty writing sessions.

I threw my head back in laughter. 

He chuckled along with me but asked, "What's so fun about that?"

"No, no, nothing," I told him. I calmed myself down and we held eye contact.

The dam seemed to bring something out of Alex. Something about the water reflected something onto him. "Can I ask you something?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"What are you going to do after Barnsley?" It was like a confrontation. One that I needed. My parents were too far off to care where I was most of the time. I don't think they had thought about my future, not as much as Gary, my older brother. My older sister, Harper, did one year of university before dropping out and marrying Ian. I think Harper wanted to get away as much as I did but then she got pregnant and was never able to escape. Just had to accept her fate as a Cavendish. 

I shrugged at his question. "I thought about university. That seems like the likely thing to do but I feel too unsure. Like I should go get a job or gallivant through Europe for a year. Fuck off to America or something."

He laughed. "Fucking off to America sounds nice. You'd get a lot more sun. You look good in the sun."

An upturn of my cheeks and a vow not to take his compliments too seriously occurred. "I've applied but haven't heard."

Alex picked at the hole in his jeans, no longer looking at me. "Do you think it be crazy to do the band for, you know, a living or summat?"

I shook my head. "I don't think so. I like your stuff."

"You're one of the few. Have a gig with just you and Matt's mum handing out pastries."

"Despite your disdain for my Angels with Dirty Faces CD, I know good music when I hear it. When I read it too."

"You've only read one of them."

"And I know it's good. You've read nothing of mine, yet you insist I come over every weekend to write."

Then, he said, quickly and sure of himself, "That's just because I want to see every weekend."

I hid my reaction. I must have. In between, my heart beating and my throat closing, I contained my excitement because he didn't comment on it. "Is that so?"

I wanted to pester him further. See the map of his brain and what road it leads down. But he stood up and said, "My shift's in a half hour."

I lamented. "Has this relationship grown so one-sided you don't even properly ask me for a ride anymore?"

I was whining in place and he was eager to get back to the car, but I'm not sure why he didn't tell me to move or push me up the little hill we were sitting on, instead, he grabbed hold of my hand. Not in a yanking motion. It was soft and little and he never commented on it. He intertwined himself with me and said, "Come on, Janie." Then, pulled me up the hill and didn't let go until I reached the car door. In the car, we laughed and listened to Sugababes, but he didn't touch me again. Didn't grab hold of my knee or wrap his arm around the back of my seat. He sat with his hands on his own knees and when I knew he secretly loved a song, he'd tap away with his left hand on his thigh. 

*

When March neared an end that year I decided I was not going to celebrate my birthday. I resigned myself to the cupcake AB and Claire got me for lunch and it ended with that. Joanie had other plans.

Ambushing me was never a good idea, let alone a surprise party. Ambushing with alcohol was always a good idea. I guzzled it down while we sat in Joanie's basement, smaller than Will's but bigger than the White House's (exaggeration but not far off). 

Unknown bodies filled the room but I had Claire by my side and Joanie hanging off my back. As much as we had drifted, I was touched by Joanie's closeness to me, instead of Matt. We resembled our former trio before The Grapes gig. 

Alex sat across the room. He was sitting on a table next to Matt. At one point in their conversation, Matt pointed over to us and Alex's eyes landed straight on me. He nodded at me and then smiled. I waved him over but he didn't move. He averted his eyes and kept chatting with Matt.

But then a minute later, he looked over at me again and I waved him over again. He smiled but his lack of response remained the same. "Oy!" I yelled.

He looked over and I curled my finger at him, urging him to come hither. He pointed at himself unsurely. 

"Yes, you, you wanker!" I shouted.

Alex chuckled and stood up to make his way over to me. He bent down to meet my eye level, flashing a charming smile at me. "You beckoned?"

"I beckoned? I beckoned? You were making the eyes at me over there. It's not proper to ignore the birthday girl."

"You've got two girls hanging off of ya."

"That's a dream for most men."

He laughed, grabbed my hand, and picked me up from my seat. "I'm not gay, Janie." I laughed hard, throwing, not only my head but my whole body back, forcing him to hold me close. "And you are very, very drunk."

I pouted. "What else is a girl supposed to do on her birthday?" I had been drinking on my birthday since I could remember. I used to sneak down into the fridge and steal beers when I was 6. It only got bigger as I got older. Most vices do.

In a perfect sequence, I twirled and he lifted his arm to let me under. When I came back around, I smiled and leaned my chest into his. The little boobs I have pushed up against him. "Do you want to have sex with me tonight?" I don't know where it came from. Well, I mean, I do, a fresh 18 and a mighty amount of alcohol applies, but I had lost all boundaries. A year filled with less sex, less partying, less Will, led me to a clear mind, which only slipped back into past habits. 

Sex. Must have sex. If we have sex then he'll like me. He'll love me even. I'm great at sex and he's a little groundling that I'll have to entertain.

"No, Janie, not tonight." I had never corrected the usage of Janie. I abhorred the nickname from everyone else's lips but Al's. He always struck the right chord within me and let it play out for decades. 

I rounded my arms onto his neck. I pulled him close, close to kiss, close to French, close to makeout, close to fuck, close to make love, close to eat him alive. "But someday?"

I knew I'd be devastated by whatever response he gave me. Devastated that then wasn't now, devastated that then was never. Alex looked down on me. I was eager. A gosling looking for mother goose to follow. "Do you need to sit down?"

He was ignoring the issue altogether. After all this time of going back and forth in my head about Alex—about why I could crack the code on everything else about him, except what his interest in me was—I had decided to ask him, "Why are you ignoring me?"

He chuckled at my slurring and I dreamt he found it endearing. "I'm not ignoring you. You're hanging all over me."

"Do you not like it when I hang all over you?" I threw myself at him pathetically, especially when I was dripping in alcohol. 

"Let's sit." He removed his arms from around him and dragged me over to sit down. Joanie had left to sit on Matt's lap. Claire had shifted to talking to Rosie, currently broken up with Will. Rosie had seemingly taken my place in Will's bed and I was no longer upset about it. I was upset with Alex, or really with myself for not being good enough for Alex.

We sat down and I, sleepy drunk, laid my head on his shoulder. I whispered, low and quiet, that I was shocked he heard over the music, "I just want to know what it is."

"What what is?" He questioned.

"Why don't you like me?" I clarified. I wish I wasn't such a baby. A child begging for her mother to pick her up. I desperately wanted him to like me. I wanted him to fall at my feet in the way no man had. Beg for my forgiveness and call himself an idiot for ever rejecting my kiss.

"I like you."

I hesitated, even drunk I knew we were treading on crossed boundaries. Then I let what I had been dying to know the truth for months slip out. "Why won't you kiss me? I'm not trying to flatter myself but why won't you want to kiss a girl? You're not gay but why won't you kiss me?"

He didn't answer for a moment. Alex has always been a person to think his thoughts out but I imagine he struggled to answer my question. "I like being your friend," Alex said.

"Friend?"

"You're one of my best friends, Janie." He was calm and he pushed my stray hairs behind my ear.

I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to never see anyone again. If I was an ounce sober, I'd swallow the pain and rejection, but my bloodstream was alcohol and I was throwing a pity party. My head left his shoulder and fell into my hands with a sob.

"Jane." He was concerned. He patted my back and urged me to sit up and look at him.

I was too embarrassed to look at him with tears and tell him he was the reason why. Even if he obviously knew he was the reason why. I took a deep breath and sat up. "I'm a sad old drunk. Sorry."

He was concerned but said nothing. We never talked about it again.

Later that night, after everyone had mostly left except our close friend group—minus Will, who had puked on himself about 10 minutes before—Alex handed me a cigarette and lit it for me. No lighters tossed.

We sat in the corner pocket of the couch with one another. Everyone else was lying about but we were talking slowly and tiredly to one another, except Joanie, of course, more perky than ever. "Let's dance!" She cheered.

I groaned and everyone else seemed to feel the same way. Matt wasn't even indulging her anymore. But then she played Spice Girls and I had to join in. I stood myself up and rocked about with Joanie.

Halfway through Alex yelled, "Now do the robot!"

I yelled back over my shoulder. "Oh, fuck off now!" But I did it anyway, rough and drunk as ever.

When the night winded down for good, Alex slept over at my house. The hour was late, everyone was drunk, and it was decided that High Green was just too far. On the walk back home, where our minds sobered up and we walked feet apart from one another. Alex's hands were deep in his pockets and my arms crossed, hands hidden away in my armpits. 

About 5 minutes into the walk he asked, "Good birthday?"

I nodded. "Fine."

"Just fine?" He chuckled.

I shrugged. "Birthdays have never been too exciting for me. They've always sucked in some way."

Alex moved closer to me and took a hand out of his pocket, throwing his arm over my shoulder and tugging me into him. If I closed my eyes I could fantasize he meant something else by it. I had wished in my head, with the absence of birthday candles, to have him. Looking back it feels stupid to put that much weight on a guy but I was 18 and he was Alex.

"Anything I can do?" He asked.

In my head, I had a million answers. Any action of interest would shoot rockets through me and fireworks out of me. I didn't say anything. I was sober enough to know that I shouldn't be an idiot. I shouldn't beg for his affection. He was one of my best friends now too and to lose that to some fantasy would be a far greater crime than him not kissing me.

"Not really. I think I'll just go to bed and leave my birthday at that."

Then, he stopped moving. His arm around me held me back. "What?" I asked.

He tilted his head and I'd ponder what it meant. "Nothing," Alex said. We continued walking and never spoke about it again. 

*

The following morning, Alex drove my car. After dealing with my father at the door, who I am sure was drunk from watching Newcastle United lose and had no clue who Alex was, my father, to feign caring, questioned Alex at the door. Alex mumbled away, which could've left a bad first impression on my father if he wasn't too out of it to remember. My father didn't remember my friends' faces anyway.

When Alex and I escaped my father, who grumbled his way back to the tele, Alex drove me for the first time ever. "You're a lot better than I thought you would be."

"Why'd you think I'd be bad?" He was winsome in his long-sleeve sweater, his jacket thrown into the backseat due to the hotness of that car. 

"You have me drive you around all the time. I figured your mum was too afraid to give you her car."

The previous night we had slept in the same bed. My daydreams weren't fulfilled in any way, we were laid like sardines, Alex's head at the foot of the bed, mine at the head. My bed, at the pretentious time in my life, was king-sized. An ocean of linen sheets separated us. 

In the morning, he grabbed my car keys and insisted.

Alex pulled up by Charlton Brook Dam and we didn't say anything. It was a wordless movement to the water that ran through the park. We sat side-by-side, in the same spot we always sat in, cushioned under two oak trees that had acorns falling at our feet. 

He pulled out a cigarette and handed it to me first. He put that pack away and looked at me mute and waiting. I snorted a horrid snort that I think about to this day (I might as well have said oink!). I pulled out one from my purse and handed it to him. He provided the lighter.

"You're no good for me, Janie." I conceded. I decided then I would never dream of being with Alex again. Why lose a friend—a friend like Al—for some fiddly fake romance I had made up in my head? "I smoke too much when I'm with ya." That was true too.

We puffed away and talked about nonsense mostly; shit from school. The dam blew perfectly onto our skin. I was wrapped up in a cardigan and Alex had thrown his jacket to the side, dirting it in the dew. 

His voice was soft, like the dew at our feet, and he spoke emotionally, like a vow from his heart. "Your eyes are so blue." I am well aware of the powers of my blue eyes. I've batted them since I was a baby and crowds fell to their knees in adornment. But the way he spoke it sounded like foggy desperation. A thing you only say between two cigarettes deep in the morning or night.

"Yours are very brown." I laughed but he didn't. He stared down at the grass and fiddled with his cigarette. It felt awkward and rigid.

Alex looked up at me carefully. His eyes sculpted over me. "I have thought about it. What you asked me about last night."

Breaths were short and the heart was quickened in beats. "What did I ask about it?" I need this to be clear. I wanted to not fear what would come out of his mouth.

"Never mind."

I realized he needed me to be clear. Though I was in a fit of drunkenness and I would—and had the reputation—of sleeping with whoever would allow. He thought he wasn't special. He looked off into the dam and I asked, "About someday?"

Alex's head turned over and he took a while to answer, in fact, he never answered. He leaned over and kissed me. Slow, steady, and the non-slobber variety. The perfect first kiss.

"You want to have sex now on the hill?" I joked. I was fun. I was cool. I was screaming inside.

He laughed this time. "No. I just wanted to know what it would be like to kiss you."

*

We didn't get together right away. There was this weird stretch of time lasting from after my birthday until the end of May where we would hide out with one another, in my room after school and in his room where Alex tried to uphold our writing session before dissolving into sex sessions. I don't know if either of our parents knew what would happen upstairs. His parents would either be home late or hold no objections to the shut & locked door. My father wasn't home when Alex came over. He'd always go to the pub after work. My mother sat in front of Coronation Street or had her friends over. Alex never stayed for dinner at mine. I stayed more and more often at his.

The first time we had sex was 2 days after our kiss. We went to my house after school with no intent to do much of anything except a hang out disguised as an excuse to make out. After 10 minutes of snogging, Alex reached under my skirt and touched my underwear. He was hesitant and seemed as if he didn't mean to go that far but didn't retract his hand. Mine furthered lower to his jeans, rubbing in between my legs.

Our lips parted and Alex pushed a small gap between us to see me. "Jane." It was his way of giving a warning sign. There was no pushing further. "Would it be alright...?" He stretched the sentence out, mumbling nerves to me.

"If we had sex?" I attempted to finish. "Yes. If I haven't made it clear I want to have sex with you then we should get your brain checked."

He laughed and placed his head in the nook between my shoulder and neck. I'd wanted him to stay there forever. Forever 18 in that corner of our world. "No, no. I was just—never mind."

I rolled my eyes at his habit of having to decipher his message. I still roll my eyes at this affliction to this day. "You're so cocky and now I've got you tongue-tied."

He rubs his eyes, buggy and alluring. "I'm not cocky. Just mighty hard."

Laughter spurted from my mouth. "You've got no sense."

Alex insisted, "I've got perfect sense."

I've never been one for the term "making love." It's reserved for romance novels and cheesy songs my mother played in the car. I've grown out of the phase of "fucking" but in my late teens, this seemed the appropriate words for my past rendezvous. Quick-fulfillment and non-long-lasting. "Sex" was the preferred word; plain and simple. Alex and I were definitely shagging too. I won't object to that.

Alex looked star-gazingly and held sentiment too deep for me to understand at 18. Then he said, "You're hot, Janie." I settled down a bit after that because he was the sweetest candy I could bite into but he was also an 18-year-old boy.

After the sex, there was the headwork he may or may not have attempted to do before I redirected him to the proper location of the clit. He wasn't bad, much better than anything Will or other losers had done, but he was a man boy and I enlisted myself to be the girl that all his future girlfriends would thank for teaching him how to fuck.

He was sweet as a teddy bear. I pictured him as a little cub bear and me as the pot of honey he was holding. After we had finished for the first time, I went up to pee and he disposed of the condom. He had placed his boxers and shirt on when I had returned. I prepared to dress myself, he grabbed hold of my hand, smooth like a baby's skin, and didn't say anything. He tugged me toward his bed and when he laid down, he pulled me beside him. 

I'm sure my look was one of peculiarity causing him to respond with "Come on, Janie, you love my blankets so much."

Alex mindread that I was uncomfortable. I felt naked because I was naked. He handed me my clothes. We were still awkward and gangly teenagers and the idea of wearing one another's clothes was a distant thought. I placed my bra and panties on for good measure, not wanting to wrinkle the rest of my clothes. 

I lay beside him on his bed. He rounded his arm over my shoulder and we both stared up at his ceiling. I was being gnawed away inside by one thing, so I asked, "Why'd you change your mind?"

"Me mind on what?" He questioned.

He was warm. Heat radiated off his body and mind. We had both turned to lie on our sides. We faced one another but our eyes were darting over the other's body, at least Alex's were. I focused on the way his hair looked perfect despite what we had just done. "Kissing me. Last year, which might be one of the most embarrassing moments of my life and that's saying something."

He tilted his head down to look me in the eye. "I didn't really know you then."

"I've done a lot more with guys I've known a lot less," I said it lightheartedly but he seemed to take it seriously. He has always been more stoic about these things. 

Alex dithered in his mind. Then, he reached his hand out and held my side. It was a slow-moving force pulling me to him. "You're my friend. Matt told me about these conversations you'd have over a smoke. Then, we had our talk outside The Grapes. I couldn't help—I'm not sure who wouldn't want to talk to you."

I almost laughed. It felt ridiculous the notion that people enjoyed hearing me talk. I had spent a whole life being yelled at not to talk at the dinner table, to be seen, not heard, to sit up straight and mind my business, and to not interrupt when my father was talking. I thought of words as something to fill a void in our lives. I wrote my words away and locked them up and wondered: who would ever want to read what I had to say, think, feel? Al.

Alex continued, "And I know you now. I know you differently, but your reputation preceded you."

"As a slut?" I replied.

He didn't reject the idea, although he shook his head. It wasn't something he could highly reject because everyone knew it was true. I didn't have such a problem with it then. When Arctic Monkeys got famous, in turn Alex, and in turn me as his girlfriend, the word felt different. Maybe because it wasn't who I was anymore. I hadn't been in a long time. I was also a university student shying away from my past adventures, unable to shed my skin like everyone else. I was also more than Al's girlfriend. I was more to Alex himself than I was just his girlfriend.

"I didn't want to be bedded, I suppose," Alex admitted. "I didn't want to never see you again."

"You would have seen me again," I insisted.

"From the corner of a party?"

"We didn't see much of each other anyway after that."

"I know. Eventually, we did. And I don't know how many times we would have sat with each other writing instead of shagging."

"You think we couldn't control ourselves?" I teased.

He narrowed his eyes at me. "Did we just have sex with each other or was that your evil twin?"

I laughed and pushed him back. I sat up and pulled my skirt on. "So now you don't care about our writing?"

"I figured I'd just give you a little inspiration."

I whipped him with my top. We had exploded into laughter and, once again, he was right.

*

In my first year of knowing Alex, we had developed this fantasy of escaping England. While I had a privileged life traveling to places that likely gave me skin cancer, I had never had fun doing it. My mother often weighed things down, splashed out on the bottle since Tom, my eldest brother, died in 1996. Trips weren't pleasant before then but there wasn't much need to put on an effort after that. Places where drinking was encouraged and never discouraged were key. Vegas, The Bahamas, Cancún, etc. It sounded fun to me in the moment until I realized I'd be spending months trapped with my drunk mother, groaning father, and poor Stacey. Harper and Greg got out of it once they graduated from university.

I told Alex all of this early on, at some point in one of our first writing sessions. The idea came up every once in a while. Often after we'd have sex. I'd lay in his arms (something we started doing out of convenience since Al's bed was too small, of course, this continued to my bed, despite its much larger size) and we'd be heavy and rushed, staring at the ceiling, completely caught up in one another. He'd sigh and say, "Where do you want to go today, Janie?"

It became a tradition, continuing to this day. I'd list off a new place I wanted to go. When it first started it was my dream destinations, then Alex kept telling me to find new places and research, which I did. I would later graduate with A-levels in geography.

"I'd like to go to LA. I've never been to LA." I was on top of his chest. It was late one night at my house and I often wondered if anyone knew we existed. We were hidden away in this cocoon with only each other to survive. It felt fitting. It has always felt like there is room for the two of us, never too close together, never too far apart. 

Alex was tender with me. In the early stages, we acted awkward with one another, but it never felt awkward. Each step was some natural continuation even if it was performed weirdly. We weren't dating but I knew I loved Alex. I felt he loved me too by the way he clumsily petted my shiny hair back. "I went to Disney once with me grandmother."

"I want to go to Joshua Tree," I told him.

"Like the U2 album?"

I laughed. "It's a National Park, you idiot."

"Oh," he chuckled, "you and your parks. You're always wanting me to exercise. You think I'm unfit." Alex spoke jokingly but I got the feeling that parts of him did have concern over his body. He buried so much down that I think he couldn't even feel it at times.

The way his hand moved down my hair calmed me. I figured it might do the same for him. I brushed back his hair, out of his eyes and pushed back. I smiled at him and the fact I was lying on his bare chest after a round of pretty great sex should have been clue enough. "You're the fittest man at Barnsley College."

"Oh, fuck off, Janie. Ya play with me heart too much." 

I didn't know what else to say, so I just kissed him.

*

I don't know if no one ever found out, but nobody said anything. I figure most people guessed we were already doing it considering the ribbing Matt would give Alex sometimes. Everyone was too caught up in themselves anyway. Or maybe the whole Joanie and Matt drama when they broke up in the first week of April, got back together the second week of April, and then called it quits in the third week of April. Alex will deny ever caring about this gossip circus but we had too many intense debriefs on drives from Barnsley for him ever to get away with it.

Alex and I also talked about everything anyway. I'll we ever did was talk and fuck but I think that's what most of existence is anyway. Although, we took it to another level. The only place we didn't talk was a writing session but they were starting to grow farther apart and more an excuse to have sex & talk than to write.

I think I had never met someone willing to talk in such a way. We talked about intelligent things, dumb things, and, mostly, pointless things. Everything got rather complicated around April with people splitting up, splitting off, and looking to split. Somehow—and I really don't know how, considering how dumb and immature I was—Alex and I stayed intact. Alex deserves some credit but not all. He was the glue but I was still the piece he glued himself to.

We still weren't "official" or had a label but I wasn't seeing anyone else and neither was he. Even if we wanted to see other people there wasn't enough time because we were always hanging out with each other.

Except one thing. The future. I had decided to go to the University of Greenwich in the fall and Alex was going to focus on the band. Only I would be down in London, he would remain up North. I had a hard time believing that graduating from Barnsley wasn't graduating from us. There was still the promise of summer and Alex, more determined than ever, was playing gigs non-stop.

My mother was planning some bon voyage trip for me, although the destination had not been determined and it was sure to be more about her than me.

Before Alex could ask me his usual post-coitus question, I asked, "What if we went on a trip?"

We were lying side-by-side like bodies in a crypt. He stretched himself out with a moan. "Where would we go?"

"Hmmm, Japan?"

Alex chuckled. "You want to go to Japan?"

I sat up straight and stared at him. "What's so funny about that?"

"You think I can afford a trip to Japan?"

"Okay, what about France? We could take the train to Paris."

Alex's eyes squinted. He had detected the clear reason. He asked me, "Where are your parents going this summer?"

"I haven't been told yet." I was trying to act nonchalant. I threw my hair up, swung my legs over his bed, and dressed myself in underwear and my shirt. 

"Do you even know if they let you?"

I shrugged. "If we plan the whole thing they can't deny it. We should buy the tickets right away." I hopped onto his bed, giddy. The idea of a month away from them was glorious. I imagined a week in Paris with Alex as romantic as teenagers could be. We'd be rough and dirty and then go out and have dinner over candlelight while looking at the Eiffel Tower. I mocked the idea in my head but couldn't deny myself the pleasure of thinking about it. About him, scruffy and boyish, wrapped in a tuxedo. After the week was up, I'd have the house to myself, and Alex could come over and we could do whatever we wanted. I could throw a party with everyone I knew and people I didn't. I could throw a party just for him. 

I crawled toward him on the bed. He chuckled at my preying behavior, marching my way toward him. "We should get a hotel and it doesn't have to be fancy. In fact, let's get a really shitty hotel. Like one that doesn't have a toilet but also doesn't have bed bugs."

He laughed and wrapped his arms around my neck. I was pulled into him with a thud. It was a kiddish hug, like two children fighting on the playground. "It sounds nice." His tone said it all—slow, comforting, and never-going-to-happen. My parents would likely find a way to get a refund on everything or let the money wash down the drain. I didn't have much of a right to complain about the life they had given me. We'd likely go to some fabulous island and bake our skin. I had no problem with the islands. I had issues with the company.

Alex let me breathe and stood up to dress himself. He turned around and said, "I have something to show you."

I relaxed with my elbows on my knees and looked at him with eager eyes. He grabbed something out of a bag in the corner of the room and walked it back over to me with it hidden behind his back. He looked sheepish (more than usual). "We, uh, recorded some demos at that 2fly, you remember I told you about that." I nodded. He was fidgety and rubbing his hair. "Anyways, we burned them into CDs." He revealed the jewel case from behind his back. "For helping me out and all that, you know," he allowed himself to let out a chuckle, "I figured you deserve the first copy free."

He handed it over to me. There was artwork by Matt inserted into the front and a small tracklist on the back with about 6 songs on it. I tried to find the CD about a month ago after a curious individual asked to see it. Like most things from those early days, it's likely been disposed of somewhere between London and Wakefield. There were so many of those CDs that Alex eventually became less nervous to hand over to me first to get my review. One of them is likely stuck in my mother's old CD rack that she gave away once she discovered Pandora.

"You know where I'm going to listen to this first?" I asked him. My smile overwhelmed me. Alex's interest in my opinion was a boost of confidence that it seems weird to think where we would both be without the other, solely from the other's encouragement, even in separation.

"Where?" He grinned back at me.

"In my car while I'm driving you to work." I teased as he groaned and covered his ears dramatically. 

I continued, "If you make me drive you to work it's what you get."

He laid back on the width of his bed. "I'm giving you a gift and you're punishing me."

I rolled my eyes. "You complain about Sugababes, you complain about your own band. Do you want to just sit in silence?"

"We talk over all that music anyway." Alex had a point.

I leaned over him to make eye contact with him. "So does it matter what we play anyway?"

"I can't listen to meself and talk at the same time. And I'd like for you to be able to hear the thing and tell me what you think."

I sighed. "Alright. Who else are you giving them to?"

Alex shrugs. "Me parents maybe. Whoever buys them."

I scoffed.

"What?"

I shook my head and sat back on top of my feet. "Nothing."

Alex smiled and shook his head. "No, no, no, out with it."

"Who's going to buy some rubbish CD?" I questioned.

"Hey!" He sat up. "You haven't even listened to it and you're already telling me it's rubbish."

I tilted my head. "I'm not saying that. I'm saying the general audience member isn't going to drop 5 quid on some CD when they could use the money for something else. I'm not saying people won't buy it. But I wouldn't."

Alex scoffed. "Me own girlfriend won't buy me CD." 

I stilled for a moment and tried my best to not be obvious about my reaction. The word rolled off his mouth so I was going to let it roll off my back. Maybe we were dating. Was this dating? To me, it was a glorified bang. A friends-with-benefits situation with his chauffeur. I wasn't opposed to the idea. I wasn't over the moon that dating Alex would mean just this. Sex in his bedroom while we talked for an hour until I drove him to work. Maybe that's what dating was, even if no one knew about it. In the following years, dating Alex would mean just this. Not fully, but mostly talking and sex in a bedroom that wasn't mine. At least, I didn't have to drive him after 2006.

"I'm not saying that but it is a rare thing for me to buy a CD at a random gig, especially if you aren't the headliners," I explained.

He laughed and asked, "What do I do with all the ones we made?"

I tossed my head around and suggested, "Give them away."

"What to Salvation Army?"

I giggled and moved over him. My arms were on both sides of his head, closing in on him like a praying mantis. "No, at your gigs. You've got good tunes—"

"A few good," Alex interjected.

I rolled my eyes and continued, "You've got good tunes and people love free stuff."

"Who knew for a posh girl you were so giving?" He taunted me.

I pushed on him, rolling him down the length of his bed. "I am not posh! Take that back right now."

"You were just complaining over your month-long trip to The Bahamas. That's as posh as it gets." He was teasing but it felt like an insult. I always hated coming off as an ungrateful spoiled brat. I knew in some regard I was. When I wanted to get what I wanted it was an advantage. When I had to spend time with my family, it was a disadvantage. Even if he was right, it felt mean.

I removed myself from him and stood up. "I drive you everywhere you wanker and you grumble out some thank you and think it's alright because I let you fuck me."

The smile faded from his face and he sat up stiffly. "Huh?"

"And that!" I pointed my finger at him. "Those one-word responses that you do to placate me."

He furrowed his brows. "I'm not placating you."

"If anyone is posh, it's you." If I looked around the room at that moment, posh would not be the word to describe it. He had a point, my house was pretty posh. "You take advantage of people and twist them all about for your pleasure."

"What the fuck is going on?" My outburst was a clear whiplash.

I jutted out my head. "You insult me and you played these mind games with me for a year. You basically called me a slut and now I'm a posh bitch."

"I never said that." He was calm. It was infuriating. 

"You just did!"

"No, I didn't!"

We were two school children fighting. Squabbling over something stupid and throwing petty insults.

"Whatever, Alex." I quickly dragged on my jeans and grabbed my bag. "Who's gonna drive you now?"

"Where you going?" He stood up and walked over to my side of the room.

I turned around and walked down the stairs. "To my million-dollar mansion!" It wasn't a good comeback. It just proved his point more. Now I was a posh slut hot-headed bitch.

*

The following morning, my mother met Alex for the first time. She had opened the door for him when he knocked and yelled up to me getting ready in my room to come downstairs. In the great impression I made to act bratty back to her, yelling back down to her that I was getting ready. After she insisted loudly, I came downstairs. Alex was standing in the doorway, hands in his pockets, and eyes on me. 

I left the house to at least get us away from my mother. "Why are you here?" I asked him once we'd made it down the front steps.

"I'm giving you a ride."

I walked ahead of him, refusing to look for fear of overcoming emotion. I didn't want to calm down and his face with sorrowful innocence spread across it would have made me feel bad. "I don't need you to grovel."

"I'm not groveling." Alex has the aura of chill that washes over you. It's good in moments of panic, it's enraging in fights. 

My feet stomped hard as I marched to my car. "Don't play the denying game. It's so fucking annoying."

"I called you posh and you're flipping out. That's pretty fucking annoying."

I slammed open my car door. "You're always undercutting me."

His brows furrowed. "No, I'm not. You take everything as some insult against you. It was a dumb joke."

He was right. I didn't want him to be right. "Whatever, Al. Good luck with everything." 

I got into my car intending to drive off quickly until he hopped into the passenger seat. "I'm not driving you."

Alex ignored me and picked up the CD sitting on the car floor. "Did you listen to it?" He handed it over to me.

I snatched it out of his hand. "No," I shoved it back into his chest, "you can have it back too. Don't need to take pity on a rich girl."

"Come on, Janie—"

I interrupted, "Can you get out of my car please?"

He accepted my expression. The car fell silent and a moment later he nodded and got out of the car, CD in hand. I waited until he drove away to make sure we wouldn't run into one another in the parking lot. It was an overreaction on my part, I knew it even then, but doubling down made more sense to me than admitting any wrongdoing.

*

We didn't avoid each other. It was kind of hard to do since our whole friend groups became intertwined. Matt and Joanie breaking up reduced our likelihood of us hanging out but Matt was still one of my friends and we still shared a class together. Alex didn't tell Matt so I didn't either. We hung out in group circles on opposite sides. Not much had changed from before, no one really knew that anything more had been going on so we never had to explain ourselves.

We didn't hang out one-on-one anymore. College would be over in a month and after that, the chance of me ever seeing Alex again would diminish to a minimum. I would be in London and he would be stuck in Sheffield. It gave me pride even though I knew, deep down swallowed in my stomach, that I might not have gone to London if it weren't for Alex. I shook it off. I wasn't—and still won't—credit a guy for advancements I've made in my life through my own doing.

Matt invited me to their end-of-the-school-year gig at The Grapes but I didn't go. I, ashamedly so, hung out with Will instead. I felt kind of over that point in my life. All the blokes in Yorkshire felt old and I had an idea in my head that I'd meet my guy, the perfect guy, in London. Smoking a blunt with Will wouldn't change that. Having sex with him wouldn't change that either.

At night, in the moments before sleep fully swept me away, I had this thought that replayed in my head, despite my frustration with it. I had the vision that Alex would corner me in the parking lot again. He would shove the CD across the roof of my car, we'd hop in and drive around listening to it, even if he hated the sound of his voice. It never happened. Not even close.

I made no effort to talk to him and he made no effort to talk to me. I think people started to pick up on that. Claire asked me about it once when everyone was out for a night. I shrugged but didn't say anything.

It was weird for our whole relationship to be over abruptly over something that seemed stupid to me even then. I was mad at myself for not doing anything to change but I also didn't want to do anything to change it because Alex wasn't doing anything. I figured he didn't care much. Had his fill and went on to the next, which I know he did.

At the party where Claire asked me about Alex, he was in the corner doing his usual routine with a new move: kissing. I was mad but I knew I didn't have the right to be mad and that made me madder. Why was he willing to kiss this random girl after a night but didn't bother with me for months? I didn't think highly of Alex after that. I didn't think highly of myself either.

*

A week after graduation my family went to Monaco. My mother has always had an unhealthy obsession with Grace Kelly so much so that she had dyed her hair to look like her. My father liked gambling and the Grand Prix. 

The vacation was more fun than I thought it would be. There's not much to do in Monaco so Stacey and I would sneak off into France. It wasn't my ideal vacation and there were plenty of somber tones throughout the month of June but I wouldn't trade anything for the days Stacey and I had. It was the first time we got along fully, with no fighting, bonded completely by necessity at first, and then, eventually, wanting to hang out with one another.

Much like the year prior, when I came back in July, Joanie invited me to her birthday party. The details of her and Matt were iffily given to me over emails. They had gotten back together sometime at the tail-end of June but decided on being friends, which probably looked more like when Alex and I were "friends" or whatever he was calling it.

Joanie's party was small because she only had one request: to get out of Yorkshire. The original plan was for us all to go down to London but AB had to work the next day and refused to wrangle a herd of sheep on a 3-hour train ride. Claire's dad lives in Manchester so Joanie decided she wanted a night of pubbing in Manchester.

Joanie, Claire, and I took the train over early that day and got ready in Claire's bedroom, which likely hadn't been slept in since before Y2K. We had our usual getting-ready conversation. Promises of "getting so fucked up tonight" and desire to get the best lay. We didn't address it but we knew it would likely be one of the last big nights we all had together. 

The trio of us might have planned out staying best friends forever but we were all going in separate directions. Joanie would study at Leeds Trinity and Claire would go to Aston. While rough plans were promised to meet up at the halfway point of Birmingham, it was never fulfilled. Our time together after that summer was mostly reserved for holidays and then, as we got even more spread out across the globe, reunions at weddings, baby showers, and Joanie's divorce party last year, which might have been decently akin to this night.

We arrived at the club, pre-gamed, and ready to wait in the queue. The Monkeys were there in full form, AB cozied up to Claire, Rosie and Will were in the throes again, and those other participants that aren't important to the story, even if dear Jenny let me use the bathroom before her.

I was in the back with Claire, in a skirt that felt too short and too tight. Alex stood at the front of the queue with Matt. He was swaddled in a black jumper and had a haircut since I had been gone. They had been playing basement gigs throughout the summer. I heard the crowds had been getting bigger and it felt weird not to be witness to that after seeing them play in empty rooms. 

When the front of the queue had been reached, there had been some disagreement with the bouncers that caused Joanie to slide up next to Matt and pout, "Matty, come on." Either way, Alex looked scared out of his mind, Andy looked higher than a kite, Jamie was spitting some gibberish out at the bouncers, and Will attempted to slip the bouncers cash, which ended up pissing them off even more. 

Now, at the time, I wasn't aware of the importance of this incident. To me, it was the usual behavior for a Saturday night in July, besides the fact that nearly everyone I knew had become involved in this row. To Claire and me in the back, we couldn't help but laugh at the whole scene as AB attempted to referee only for Rosie to unintentionally punch him in the face.

At the time, it was a simple, funny moment. The club also happened to be named The Ritz, which would later be progressed by "to the Rubble" famously.

After the whole ordeal, we landed at some other, much less notable club. Joanie seemed disappointed but celebrated herself nonetheless.

I ended up sitting next to Alex after a round of nonconsensual musical chairs. We didn't talk at all. It was just some awkward side-by-side thing like kids being forced to take a picture together. His knee rubbed up against mine and it felt illegal to feel anything for it, even if I was rattled by it.

I abruptly stood up and walked outside for a cigarette. He had been shy the whole night. He had always been shy. I don't know what made him get the courage to come out and talk to me but the second I took my first drag, he was standing beside me.

"Was Monaco fun?" He was being nice but it felt awkward and stiff and my back hurt from looking at him.

I nodded and stared at him intently. 

He nodded and leaned beside me on the wall.

"Basement shows fun?"

He shrugged. "Yeah, suppose."

"Lot more people coming," I told him what I had heard.

"Yeah, well, it wasn't my idea to give the CDs away."

A chill went up my spine. I dared myself to remain cool. "You're doing that?"

He nodded as I looked on at him, but he stared forward and didn't say anything.

The silence ached around us. My body felt ill from shoving everything down inside. There wasn't much of a point anymore to try and faze him out. He had made the approach, now I had to make mine. The only thing that gave me enough courage was that if it all went bad I'd be out of here within a month and never have to face him again.

"I'm sorry about what happened in May." We had switched positions this time. I gazed onward as he looked over at me. I felt embarrassed to look him in the eye like a bucket of shame would fall on me as soon as I did.

Alex shook his head and looked down at his shoes giving me an excuse to look at him. He looked more timid than I had ever seen him with me. His hands shoved deep in his pockets and he was slouched over like he had worked a desk job for 40 years. "It's alright. Shouldn't've said anything about your family. Shouldn't have said any of it."

"It's fine," I mumbled.

It was quiet. Mutters from pub chaos spilled out onto the street but Alex and I were silent. He shifted at one point and I thought he was about to leave but he pulled out his own cigarette from his pack. I was shocked by the profound hurt I felt from it. That he didn't ask for a drag of mine first before stealing one from my pack, handing me his lighter, and having me do the honors. 

"You got that Boardwalk gig coming up in August, right?" I wanted to go but almost felt I needed permission to go.

He nodded. "When are you leaving for London?"

"September 5. Getting settled down there before classes start and all." An anchor hung on my heart and I regretted, hated, and scathed myself for ignoring him all summer. I tried to reason that he did the same but my mind always replayed shoving him out of my car over and over again.

"You excited?"

I was short because I think pain would have overcome me if I had spoken about it more. "Mhmm."

I hadn't left the door open for him to say more and I didn't quite know what to say either. We had never lacked flow in our conversations before. I was then struck by how a little over a year ago, Alex and I spoke for the first time. I wanted the wit. I wanted the charm. I wanted him to stare me down and tell me everything about myself. I feel like I had discouraged that out of him and I was miserable at the thought he would never tell me how he knew me again.

And then he scuffed out his cigarette and turned to walk back into the pub and the only thought in my mind was that I would never see him again. Maybe off chances around town or through parties that Joanie would insist on throwing in the winter but I would never be stuck outside a pub smoking a cigarette with him again. I collapsed inward.

"Was I your girlfriend?" I shouted out to him. I wasn't sure what else to ask. In my quick thinking, it seemed like the most likely thing to make him stay.

Alex stilled and I felt like I was in a movie. It might as well have been raining and he was Spider-Man or something. He didn't move and he didn't say anything like he was convinced that I was a figment of his imagination.

After a period of no replies, I explained, "You said it before we had our fight and I never got to ask you if you really meant it or if it was a slip of the tongue."

He turned around and walked back over. He leaned his side against the wall and crossed his arms. Anyone who says suave Alex Turner didn't show up until a 2011 haircut wasn't acquainted with the behavior of Alex Turner outside a pub in the early aughts. "I don't know."

He was evasive, per usual. "Did you want me to be?"

Alex mulled something over, thought up and down about it before answering, "Yeah, I think so. I thought about it a lot. Did you?"

He flipped it on me and my back was both literally and figuratively up against the wall. "Yeah. I thought about it too much really. Practically writing Alexander David Turner and Jane Rebecca Turner in a heart on the back of my notebook."

"Rebecca?" He questioned.

I rolled my eyes. "Stop it." He chuckled and I wanted to swim around him in delight.

"Nothing wrong with Rebecca." He insisted. "Shall I start calling you Becky?"

"Stop, you're lucky I even let you call me Janie."

"What's wrong with Janie?"

I shrugged. "I've never liked it. My dad calls me Janie."

"I would've stopped if you told me you didn't like it."

I shook my head. "I didn't want you to. Truth be told."

"Okay, Janie," he enunciated. 

I smiled and felt like everything—nearly everything—had snapped back into place. Then, he leaned in and kissed me. His lips were soft and felt light-headed, likely due more to dehydration but I'm sure Alex triggered it. 

But I pushed him back with an insistent shake of my head. "I'm sorry."

He looked solemn but he nodded and said, "It's fine."

I wanted to. I wanted him all over me, twisting about inside me, and creeping through every corner. "No. I just—in a month, I'll be too far away for you to even remember my face. I'd rather we at least be friends."

Alex nodded. There was something hidden beneath him but I was never able to place my finger on quite what he was thinking then. Although, he smiled and said, "You'll always be my friend, Janie."

I don't quite remember the rest of the night. It was a drink-covered night and a headache-filled morning. I tried not to dwell and for the most part, I didn't, until the train ride home when I thought how nice it would have been to rest my head on Alex's shoulder.

*

Their Boardwalk gig, stuck in the basement of The Boardwalk, took place about 3 weeks before I was due to leave and like most people when change is about to happen, I became nostalgic for everything. Everything felt like a last time and I wanted to grip at everything while I had the chance.

Since Alex and I reconnected, not much had changed. I hadn't seen or spoken to him since we were outside the pub but when Matt told me how cool it would be if I came to The Boardwalk gig, I considered it to be an invite approved by Alex.

I wore jeans and my first University of Greenwich t-shirt, which I know I still have because, despite the wear and tear from the years, I still wear it. 

The gig felt more electric and rambunctious than any of their other gigs from the moment you walked in. It was the first time I couldn't see the stage at one of their gigs. People were all piled up in the front. Now, it still was nowhere near the level that they would become, not even near the level it was just a couple of months later, but it felt as though I had gone away and they returned with an army.

When they entered the stage, you would have thought people had been set on fire. It felt bizarre. Alex seemed so meek, yet so commanding. They stood, said nothing, before banging into "I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor."

I had never heard the song before but people writhed along to the beat in an intense fashion. I was situated in the back and mostly uninterrupted by any knocking about. I sometimes enjoyed a good crashing into one another but alone in that hot basement, I was focused on Alex. More importantly, what Alex was saying.

Moreso, just one line he was singing, "Dancing to electro-pop like a robot from 1984." I threw my head back in laughter because my perception of it was Alex giving me a nod in one of his songs. I didn't read into it. He's a writer. He's an observer.

When the gig ended, in a rushed sweaty manner, I was quick to leave, not wanting to be squashed in the crowd. I went outside for fresh air and enjoyed a smoke. It hit me after a breeze that he wrote a song about me. Now, I'm one easy to fall for flattery when it isn't there but come on! He wrote that song about me!

I smiled to myself as their equipment van, also known as Matt's mum's van, pulled up. I stayed positioned on the wall and finished my smoke as I watched them load up the vehicle. 

Matt was the first to notice me. "How long you been watching us?

"Only a few minutes!" I yelled back. I noticed the way Alex's head turned and can still picture the look on his face to this day. You'd feel dimwitted for every decision you made prior that didn't result in that look on his face.

Alex excused himself from the group and made his way over to me. "I'm not gonna give you one of my cigarettes, Turner."

He chuckled. "Shush. Matt's mum can't know I smoke."

My head leaned back against the wall and his frame was right before me. "You were pretty great tonight."

"That your review?" Alex has often said and written about girls having him twisted around their fingers, but he must be acting humble because he had me twisted about his. He was leaning over me in some screwy blue tee with definite pit stains. It was the most charming thing I had seen at 18. 20 years later, it's still in my top 5.

"I haven't put it in writing yet."

"Ah, so I'll get a formal review from Ms. Cavendish. Shall it be printed up in The Star?" He teased me.

"Pft," I uttered, "you aren't big enough for The Star. Maybe the Barnsley College Chronicle."

He shrugged. "Well, you're a good writer. It'll be good no matter where it's printed."

"You've never read anything I've written," I pointed out.

"On the contrary, I read your emails all the time—"

I jabbed his upper arm. "Your eloquence is paralyzing. What about your song tonight?"

Man was cheeky. "Which one?" 

"Oh, I don't know, there was the one about the train, the one about the shoes, the one about the schoolgirl, and the one about me."

"Oh, okay," he tilted his head and nodded in understanding before deadpanning, "Yeah, that doesn't narrow it down for me. You're a schoolgirl with shoes who I've seen take the train before."

"I think you've got your next big hit there, Al, 'You're A Schoolgirl With Shoes Who I've Seen Take the Train Before' sounds like a Top 40 tune."

Then, he looked serious, completely twisted. "Do you want to go back to my house?"

I joked, "I'm not a hooker, Al."

He laughed then grabbed my arm and dragged me behind him like a ragdoll. "I've got something to give ya."

30 minutes later, on the edge of his bed, I watched Alex dig around in his dresser drawers. "Are you looking for a gun or something?"

"Well, I might as well be playing Russian roulette with this."

I frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Alex kept scouring through his drawers. He stopped, pulled something out and held it behind his back. It was exactly like what preempted our fight. Exactly. He handed the CD to me for the second time. "Still free," Alex promised.

I smiled and grabbed it off him. "I won't throw a bitch fit this time, I swear."

"Nah, you're alright. A little bossy but..."

I didn't fight him. I examined the CD once again, noticing "Dancefloor" on the tracklist. "Did you really write a song for me?"

"Well, it was more for the band but if you want to sing it you can."

I stuck my tongue out at him. "So much for being sweet." He sat beside me, not touching, but close enough. 

For the first time ever, I opened the CD's jewel case. The CD had "Jane C." written on it in Al's handwriting. A piece of paper was wedged in the corner of the case. I pulled the paper free. It was a note, a short one, but Alex's pen had scrawled across it. It read: Don't make fun of me, Jane, I can't help that you've twisted me around you.

I looked up at him, voice caught in my throat and heart pounding, but he was coyly looking off to the side. "Was this in here when you first gave it to me?"

He nodded. "Figured you never—hoped you never opened it. It was some soppy note but I figure you should have it. I don't need any more CDs."

I looked back down at the CD. Everything was plain-looking but, to me, it was crafted just for me. The way the J swung up in my name and the note had sat perfectly in the clip. "Am I a jerk?" I certainly felt like one.

Alex was quick to shake his head. "No."

I heavily blew air out, trying to contain something inside me. "I feel like one."

He insisted, "You're not a jerk or a dickhead or a bitch or whatever you want to beat yourself up with." His arm curled around me but didn't touch me. I felt like I was Medusa, scaring him off.

"I'm an idiot. I had to throw some hissy fit over you calling me posh. How stupid is that?"

Alex failed to hide his laughter but told me, "You're not stupid."

"Just emotionally inept." He didn't protest to that. Back then I wanted to grow up and be mature so quickly that I struggled with the fact that at 18 I wasn't supposed to know how to handle these situations, especially with adult emotionally inept role models.

Alex brought a more somber tone to the conversation. "Consider it my parting gift for London. You can play it and think of me if you want to do that."

I felt constrained. "I'd want to do that."

He gave me a small smile but the room had fallen low and melancholic. There was nothing more to say and everything to say. I had bit back things for so long in my life that it felt natural when a dream died. The ache it usually caused had grown numb but this time I was dealing with a pounding on my chest that threatened to crack my ribs.

"You can kiss me if you want," I uttered.

"What?" He questioned. His look was buggy-eyed and furrowed.

"Come on, that line has got to work at some point," I joked. 

He shook his head back and forth in short movements. His confusion was palpable. "Do you want that? I mean, after the Manchester thing."

I felt confident in myself. Boosted up and sitting up straight. "Yeah. But I don't want to go to London and listen to your CD and think of how I could've been thinking of the summer I spent with my boyfriend instead of a guy who became a sudden stranger."

"What do you want to go to London with?"

I looked over at him and fractions of seconds passed like minutes. "It feels ridiculous to settle things down now."

Alex must have started feeling bold. A grin wedged on his face and he knocked his knee with mine. "You want me to be your boyfriend, Janie?"

I groaned. "When you say it that way it becomes all dorky. Like, 'Do you want to hold hands and skip down the prairie?'"

He chuckled. "Then, what do you want me to say? 'Get down and suck my cock.'"

I rolled my eyes. "Your vulgarity is too alarming for me."

"Yeah, well, we've beaten around it enough." Alex took me off guard and pulled me around the waist and landed us with our backs on his bed.

I put my hand on his chest to keep my distance. "I don't want this to be it. I'm sick of all this bon voyage shite. So, if this is some goodbye fuck to you—"

He interrupted and tugged me to him. We were both on our sides, chest-to-chest. "We've got a whole month of fucks before a goodbye one."

It lit fires on both ends of my coil and they both engulfed the ends of me before forcing themselves inward to my heart. "What if I don't want the goodbye one?"

Alex pulled me closer, desperate but letting me talk. "Then, I'll take the train down to London whenever you need it. Don't act like you're going off to war, Janie. I'll make my way to you."

That fulfilled me to no end. I can still feel the burst of that comment pushing in on me. I can think of the way he said every word and how halfway through he pushed my hair behind my ear so tenderly that I think it left a brush burn on me forever. 

"So, if I call you at 3 in the morning and beg you to come take care of me you will?" I quipped.

He smirked. "Well, I'd like to see you beg."

I rolled my eyes. "Dirty, dirty, dirty."

"I'm likely only a kiss away from fucking you if you'll ever let me." His nose almost knocked with mine. The room would have felt on fire if the window wasn't open letting the night air suppress the sweat.

"Sounds like you are begging."

We kissed and then we had sex. It was quick and sloppy, limbs flying and desperation influencing every move. It wasn't about want or desire anymore, it was about filling a need. I didn't stay at his house for long. I snuck out to avoid his parents catching on and texted him when I got home. The height of 2000s romance.

Finally, I listened to the CD. I'm not sure when I went to sleep that night but when I woke up it felt like I had never slept. I was buzzed in every way and he was parasitic. My every thought.

Later that day, I told Claire and Joanie what had happened while we shopped. Joanie, who had recently decided to never speak to Matt again, told me, "Pft, good luck with those rockstars."

Claire's brows furrowed. "They play shows in club basements. I hardly think they're rockstars."

"All I'm saying is don't put your heart into him too heavy, especially moving away. Jane, what were you thinking?" Joanie questioned.

I shrugged. "I don't want to question it for the rest of my life. If it doesn't work out, I'll never have to see him again. If it does, which I'm not fooling myself that we're going to get married, but if it does work out then what a great story it'll make."

"Joanie's gotten jaded," Claire said. "I think it's romantic. Who made the first move?"

I squinted. "That's debatable. I made a move about a year ago and he turned me down."

"What?!" Joanie yelled out. "How come we didn't hear about it?"

I shrugged. "I was a little embarrassed, I think. That's all."

Claire prodded me for more. "Who kissed who?"

"He did back in March," I said it all nonchalantly and I knew what kind of reaction I was trying to provoke in them.

Both their sets of hands stopped moving through the clothing racks and both heads turned in a snap toward me, their jaws dropped down. "What?!"

*

We didn't hide it from that point on. There wasn't much sense in keeping it under wraps, especially since we both knew what it meant. Matt insisted he knew all along, which he didn't. 

That period in August was hot and muddy but it was a time I looked at fondly even in the moment. I had a feeling in me of remembrance. Desperate for every detail to be implanted and forcing myself to not forget one single thing. I suppose some had slipped away but the rest I've held on tightly to.

There was one evening, a rare hangout with the Monkeys, AB, Claire, and me, where we sat around watching movies at Andy's house because his parents were out of town. There wasn't much nefarious activity besides blunts being passed. I don't even think anybody drank a beer or anything. 

Al and I shared one between us while we watched 2 Fast 2 Furious and I chanted things into his ear like "The cars. They are just so fast." The spliff injected rare public affection in me. (Christ, Alex and I didn't even hold hands in public until we were 22). He was laid down in the corner of the settee and I placed my back onto his chest. My head wedged into the crook of his neck and he sat his chin on top of my head. His arms were around me and I played with his hands more than I paid attention to the movie. It was a comfort I had never felt and I'm not sure, even after many more years with Alex, I ever felt again.

*

I like Alex's sternum. Alex says it's one of the weirdest things about me. Once in an interview, I was asked what my favourite body part of his was and when I answered with sternum it wasn't the expected response. Yes, he's got a lovely head of hair. Yes, those arms are nice. Yes, the ass, I've seen it, I've squeezed it. Yes, his dick, which is just a weird way of people wanting to know the specific enlargement or shrink of a certain body point. Aren't all those questions weird roundabout ways of asking dick length?

His sternum is hard as most bones are but there's a soft layer of skin that covers it and the way his chest dips makes me convinced that it was molded inward for me. Somewhere around our last week together, when it was the two of us, I got into the habit of placing my head there. It turned into instinct. We didn't talk much in those moments. Faded in between a deep sleep and deep lust. I had never wanted him more and I never wanted to do him less. I wanted to eat him alive and then I wanted to cuddle him in my arms. It felt natural to just be with him. No muss, no fuss, no expectations, or preconceived notions. I had never felt that before.

"What if I meet this super hot guy in London and he hits on me and I tell him I have a boyfriend and he's all like 'Your boyfriend doesn't need to know' and I'm all like 'I don't want to lie to him' and he's also like Jude Law or something." It was September 1. I was rambling. His chest moved rhythmically up...down...up...down.

"Jude Law is your type?" He questioned.

"He's just the first person I thought of."

Alex hummed. "I would've thought you were more of a Hugh Grant."

I sat up with a gasp and laid my hands on top of his chest. "I totally am more a Hugh Grant."

Alex tapped his temple. "I've got you down, Cavendish. You're all memorized."

"So, what if I told you I was running off with Hugh Grant?" I asked him.

"Didn't he get caught with a prostitute?" 

I stared at him. "This is all besides the point. Hot Guy tries to steal me away. What do you do?"

Alex sighed. "Do you want the realistic version or the fantasy version?"

"The fantasy version, of course." The real version was obvious. We'd break up. I didn't want that and I didn't want Hugh Grant. 

"Alright," he said. I laid back down beside him and his arm curled its way around me. "I would fly to London, this is an urgent matter."

"Precisely. You only have a set amount of time before Evil Hot Guy takes me away."

"I would track you down and kick his ass."

My grin fell. "Oh, that's it. That wasn't very fantastical."

Alex caught my drift and chuckled. "Okay, why not this? I find you guys on a desert island—"

I interrupted, "In London?"

He let out a loud sigh. "Janie, do you want me to save you or not?"

I nodded. "Okay, okay, continue."

"I would shoot him down—"

"You'd kill a man for me!"

"I don't like this game, Janie."

*

We never said "I love you" but we were both on opposites of the same wire and I think we both knew how the other felt solely by their actions. Alex has this grin. He does a little quiver trying to fight it, yank it down before it's uncontrollable. His efforts to hide it just make it cuter like he's an ashamed little boy. Alex has told me my tell-tale sign was the hug I gave him when I left for London. I don't think we'd ever simply hugged before.

It was the night before I left. He stopped by my house and we hid in my room for hours just talking. We felt the need to accumulate every social need for one another in those last few hours. Alex would visit but there was no date and despite his reassurances, in my paranoid mind, I thought that he was appeasing until I went away to be forgotten about. 

We would both be busy. I had school to worry about and Alex and the band were having their first round of gigs outside Sheffield. They were all about north and I wouldn't go to any of them but Alex told me over the phone what they were like, never going into too much detail other than the excitement of them.

"Maybe I'll hate London," I told him during our goodbye.

He squeezed my shoulder. "You'll love every minute of it." He was (almost) right. And that sucked.

I had thought about all the words I could tell him and said none. I felt like crying but didn't. It didn't seem deserved when I was choosing to move away. It was a light goodbye. A deep hug where he held me close to his chest and I could feel the rivets of his ribs. At the time it was solemn but seldom. In a year's time, it was the average behavior to always be saying goodbye.

He kissed me and pulled back. His hands rested on my shoulders and he gave me a half-grin. "You have a good time, Jane C."

I gave a wistful smile and touched his elbow. "See ya."

*

The air in London was heavy for me or maybe that was just the weight that crushed down on my ribs in constant swelling of pain. London was half the reason I felt cool, even nowadays. My first month there was spent walking down bustling streets painted with rain and my boots sweeping the ground.

I called Alex every night telling him, "You have to come down here. Sheffield is nothing." I loved London but all the people I loved were back up north. On the days when I was in class, Alex was working. On the nights when I was a lone soul in my room, he was playing shows.

It was never out of the expectation. We went in with the understanding that it might be the end but every time when it seemed we would part ways, we didn't. I thought about the idea of being single because it feels like the proper thing your first year at university but I could never accept it.

In my Poetry & Prose class, I met Georgia, a dark-headed girl from Sussex who dressed like Patti Smith and acted like she was in a Tarantino film. Before class, we'd grab a coffee together, and give each other a rundown of the reading material to make sure we weren't going to make fools of ourselves.

I would read her work over a tea and she would suffer reading mine with a coffee. She had high standards but was too polite to ever insult you for what you'd written. I never had Alex read any of my poetry because I've never been good at it but in my first year, it was more akin to Kim Kardashian's "Jam (Turn it Up)" than Emily Dickinson. Georgia wrote with the sorrow of Sylvia Plath and the horniness of Leonard Cohen's Buddhist poems. There wasn't much competition.

Georgia introduced me to a group of her friends that were in line with my Barnsley friends but stoned wayyyy more often and enjoyed dressing like beatniks and sometimes acting like them. I felt adjacent to the group other than my connection with Georgia but they were good fun and always had things going on. Whether it was classy slam poetry or getting high in Hyde Park. Everyone was nice although very evasive.

Robert—who talked like Jack Kerouac had stuck his hand up his ass and spoke out of his mouth for him—was the only group member I hung out with solo besides Georgia. We would go record shopping but never buy anything because neither of us had players. Every 2 weeks he would give me a supply of Adderall that he had been prescribed since he was 10 but not taken since 15.

I told Alex about them but all my stories were hard to explain over the phone and in the midst of whatever he was up to. That's when I e-mailed him my first piece. It was written about a night out, in which we slept over at Robert's flat and a high Robert attempted to cook us dinner but nearly burned his apartment down instead when he put the dinner in a plastic Tupperware and stuck it in the oven. 

It wasn't as movie-worthy as passing your notebook across the hood of a girl's car but it's hard to say I'd be writing this book if Alex had been unable to stay on the phone for longer than 10 minutes. My writing before that has been a mish-mosh of things but had always been fiction. I began to write autobiographical and sometimes when I would say, "The craziest thing happened last night." Alex would shush me and tell me to write him a piece about it.

*

My brother got married at Cornwell Manor at the end of October. Alex reluctantly accompanied me after a gig in Sheffield the night before. The only reason he came was because we hadn't seen one another since my London move. The wedding was likely to be no fun but with Alex, part of the ache would be soothed. Plus, I would achieve my tux fantasy.

I had been there for 2 days before his arrival fulfilling familial and bridesmaid duties. I wasn't close to the bride-to-be, Cecilia. I wasn't close with Greg either but it seemed traditional to have all members of the family in the wedding. Stacey got a thrill out of being old enough to be a bridesmaid since she was the flower girl at Harper's wedding.

Alex and I didn't have much of an opportunity to catch up before we had to race off to the rehearsal dinner. He arrived, in his mum's car, wearing scrapped jeans and a polo shirt looking too nice for someone who probably didn't go to bed until 5 AM and drove for 3 hours. Too nice for someone who was begrudgingly here.

I had planned the smoking of a cigarette in time for his arrival. Stood on the kerb of the parking lot, flicking away at one. I was already dressed for the rehearsal dinner and if my mother had caught me stinking it up with a smoke, she'd have skinned me alive, even though my father was definitely doing the same thing with a smelly cigar. The dress was a green satin midi dress, on theme with Cecilia's selected theme colors. I had a white cardigan thrown over the top, which my mother made me take off as soon as we entered the venue because it "clashed." The weather was near freezing but god be damned if I messed with the theme. Alex threw his jacket over me halfway through the dinner and my mother didn't say anything. In the back of my mind, I thought she might have found the gesture too sweet to criticize. She was probably too drunk by that point.

"I heard the entertainment has to arrive 'round the back!" I yelled out to him as he was still getting out of the car.

His head snapped to meet my eyes. That smile spread across his face and he has always looked good to me over the roof of a car. "Pretty sure I'm not getting paid to be here."

I pouted and swayed my hips. "How unfortunate! Is there some other way I can pay you, sir?"

He eyed me—up, down—and I wondered how tempting that emerald shade was to him. "Get yer ass over here."

I tossed my cigarette down, not even bothering to scuff it out, and skipped over to Alex. I threw my arms around his neck like he did to my waist. It felt bizarre to care this much about the presence of one person but I had counted down the days to Greg's wedding for the sole reason of Alex. I had been trapped with my family for 2 days with little escape other than the hotel swimming pool. It felt like convalescence. 

I pulled back and pecked his lips. "Hi." 

"Aw, what you doing with that?" He teased before kissing me full-on. I felt necessary even if I was eager to just look at him. His hair looked freshly cut for the occasion, likely through his mother's insistence. His face looked tired, if sprawled with an adrenaline rush that might have been due to me if I should pleasure myself enough to say.

"How was the drive?" I asked, pulling away from him so he could get his things from the car. No matter how much I wanted him to be there, I did feel like I was taking him away from something. Likely tired from the night before but also in the thick of gigs and taking 2 nights off of work at The Boardwalk. Guilty for forcing him to come to an event that was likely to either be the most boring thing we ever attended or the most explosive thing in Cavendish family history, which would be saying something.

Alex was polite. He wouldn't tell me, even if the drive sucked. "Fine. No traffic. How have things been here?"

"Fine. No traffic." I repeated, crossing my arms to warm myself up a bit. He gave me a look to prompt me for more. "It's been fine. Mainly hung out with Stacey and Harper hasn't been so bad. My parents are a different story. This dinner will likely be the test of things with the two of them."

"Why? What's going on?"

I grabbed his backpack, despite his urging otherwise, while he handled his suit. We made our way to my hotel room that I was sharing with Stacey, which had and would be interesting. "Their usual B.S. mainly. They got in some fight last night that won't be a good recipe for today when they are forced to sit next to each other for 5 hours."

Alex's eyes bulged. "5 hours?" Yeah, I hadn't exactly briefed him on that part.

"Okay, we don't have to stay the full time. After the toasts, we can leave whenever we want. Or you can leave whenever you want. You're more my date to the wedding anyway."

He shook his head. "No, I'll leave when you leave. Won't be any fun without you anyway. In case it isn't obvious, I missed you."

I felt a wave of unexpected shyness fall over me. His voice was so quiet and sincere that I felt like I wasn't supposed to hear it. I was overhearing Alex's thoughts. I dared to look back at him, a smile bright across his face, forcing me to reciprocate. "I missed you too, Al."

He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and kissed the top of my head. It was quick and brief, the amount of intimacy we limited ourselves to in those days. "You look very pretty too, Jane C."

"You look sweaty." It ripped laughter from him, something I so desperately desired even more than wanting to bed him. Alex was never something to do. I found my most desirable moments were squared away within the sentences we had for one another. A joke, a fragmented note, an email.

Despite the size of my parents' wallets and their often habit of indifference, the room was 2 queen-sized beds with orders of one being for Alex and one for Stacey & me. Somehow through Alex's stays at my house, Stacey and Alex had never met.

She was lounging on the bed closest to the window when we walked in. Dressed in a-line dress in the same shade of green as mine. She looked darling as my mother would say.

"Mum's gonna kill you for lying on the bed and wrinkling your dress," I told her when Alex and I walked in.

She was playing Snake on her Nokia. Something she ended up doing for nearly the whole rehearsal dinner. "She'll be too busy making fun of Cece anyway."

Stacey had yet to look up from her phone as I threw Alex's bag down on the other bed. "If Cecilia hears you calling her Cece she'll rip your head off."

"So pretentious," Stacey mocked.

Alex chuckled at Stacey's tone. The noise made Stacey lift her head, noticing Alex for the first time. "Oh, Alex is here," she emphatically said. She sat up on her knees. "Or should I say Alexander? How formal am I meant to get here to avoid death threats?"

I rolled my eyes. "Just get off the bed so I don't have to deal with mum's wrath?" 

On the elevator down to the dinner, Stacey found the perfect chance for her cross-examining of Alex. "You're in a band, right?"

He nodded. Smart, don't say anything that can be printed on the record.

"Does that mean you have a lot of groupies?" Oh, brother.

Alex laughed at the idea. "I don't think so."

Ever the instigating interrogator, she continued, "I'm sure you have plenty girls throwing themselves at you."

"Stacey," I warned. 

She played the dumb act. "What?"

Alex shrugged. "I don't know. Your sister maybe."

He was already laughing by the time I punched him in the arm. The elevator doors opening saved him from any further wrath.

Upon entering dinner, Alex finally formally met my parents. My mother was dressed in a too-tight dress with poorly done make-up to make her look like Tammy Faye. She was only 1 glass of wine in. My dad towered over Alex, puffed out his chest like he had something to prove, something to protect. "Now, Janie, what do we have here?" He asked as we entered.

Stacey was smart to use the distraction and her size to her advantage as she quickly ducked off to her seat. Alex stood up straight, even if he looked awkward in his suit. Throughout the night, he would complain that he looked like a complete dork and despite my reassuring that he looked handsome, he insisted he would never wear a suit again. Sounds like a mighty lie now.

"Alex, my dad, Richard." I introduced. My father offered up his hand, giving a tough and rough handshake with Alex. 

My mother slushed her glass around in her hand and introduced herself. "Polina, honey, but everyone calls me Lina."

"Why are you talking like that?" I questioned my mother's sweetness and talking in a near-country accent.

That sugar evaporated quickly as she ordered me, "Don't criticize me, Jane. You go take a seat."

I didn't fight. I walked to my seat next to Stacey, and Alex followed silently.

"Well, that's a good idea of what she's like. Alcohol will either make her more or less bearable," I whispered to Alex.

He was too consumed with fiddling with his suit jacket to care much about how my mother or father acted. 

That night, after a dinner that lasted too long with extended toasts and delayed meals due to catering issues, Alex and I slept in the same bed with Stacey making kissing noises from the other bed.

Once the noises had died down and she seemingly went to sleep, Alex and I slipped out of the room, dressed in our pajama pants and our winter coats. There was a little bench around the back of the hotel, tucked away on the edge of the parking lot. We sat there. I hugged my knees to my chest and Alex leaned back and rested his arm behind me on the back of the bench. We thought about smoking a cigarette but didn't.

I told him, "Dasha is doing this weird art project right now. Like a totally bizarro nudist Dali fever dream and she's trying to recruit all of us to do it."

"Wait, who's Dasha?" It was hard not to feel like our lives were becoming separated. Sometimes it didn't bug me. Other times it felt like we weren't listening to one another.

"Dasha is the one who works with Henry."

"And Henry is...?"

"Georgia's boyfriend. Do you know who Georgia is?" I was snapping, being bitter, and still to this day I have a habit of ruining moments over little things. I didn't know half of Alex's friends' names, all those band idiots. Alex never talked about them though. They were all referred to as a collective, never giving specific names. 

He took in stride as always. "Yeah, yeah. Who is Jane though?"

I let go of my knees to slap his chest. "Shut up, Matthew."

"Come here, you." Alex wrapped his arms around me and tugged me roughly into him. A squeal came from my lips and forgot about the rest, focusing on his lips instead. We kissed slowly. Kisses that would never be forgotten behind that hotel. 

We returned to our talks of nothingness that to anyone other than the two of us wouldn't have been very important but the words we whispered to one another were so pure I couldn't imagine even placing them in writing for someone else to read. 

*

In November, I sprained my ankle. I fell backward onto my foot and pop! After walking on it for a full day I eventually got it checked out to confirm the sprain. The ache from the sprain only lasted about a weekend where I stayed holed up in my bed writing emails to Alex that he didn't respond to until the following week. I didn't complain much, even if I was mildly annoyed that I was in pain and he was oblivious to it.

There was a dull ache surrounding the whole thing. When the news finally did reach him, he offered to come down for the weekend. By that point, it was 2 weeks after the injury and my sprain had fully healed, minus some soreness. I nearly texted this to him, Don't bother. What's the point if it will only soothe your guilt and not my pain? Then, I missed him. I would love that, I sent. 

nov 27, 11:22, he wrote back.

As much as I missed his company conversationally, we hadn't had sex since September 4th and I had cleared out space to make exactly that happen. Clean room, no visitors. I did have other plans for when he arrived. Have brunch since I knew he would be hungry after the train ride, show him around my neighborhood, room tour that would lead into heavy weekend-long lovemaking. Or whatever we were calling it at that point.

That day I got a text around 9:30: missed train, catching next one. 

when is it?

hour, be there at 1

It didn't set the weekend off in a good mood. Leading to me being stuck in a pit of anger that I couldn't communicate through text messages. There would be no point in it. So, in those 2 hours I was supposed to be spending with him, I experienced an increased level of annoyance. The slightest touch pissed me off and by the time 1 rolled around the boiling inside me had only rolled louder.

I stood with my arms crossed when I opened the door, pursed lips, foot tapping, and an agenda to chew him out. The delighted look on his face, wearing a hoodie, backpack on one shoulder—it all pissed me off. 

Alex tried to quail, walking through the door, telling me, "Am I in trouble?"

I rolled my eyes and set off to my room, forcing Alex to catch up to me. "Whatever, Alex."

"Hey, I'm sorry. You know I'm late to everything."

I snapped, turned around with fury. "Yeah, but you're late to class not to a train and I'm pretty sure the trains from Sheffield come every hour, which means if you missed your train and got the next one you'd be here at noon, not 1, which means you missed 2 trains. Probably because you slept through your alarm clock and then packed your bag because you didn't do it the night before like I told you to do."

His eyes were wide and I felt like his mother the way I was calling him out. He looked staggered. A word away from taking a step back from me. "Alright, you're right, but I'm here now so let's have a good time. How's your ankle?"

His attempts to be kind ended up stepping into territory that just pissed me off more. "My ankle is fine because it healed 2 weeks ago before you even bothered to respond to the news. You just don't give a shit about these things, Alex, but they're important to me. Being on time, responding to me, it's not much to ask for."

"You're right but this past month has been crazy and I just saw you in October—"

"Just saw me in October! Look I'm not desperate, you don't need to spend every waking minute with me, in fact, I think I would kill you if I had to spend a whole week with you" (not true, I desperately wanted that) "but over a month! I expected some eagerness to see me but you'd rather lie around for an extra hour. No one told you to come, you offered. So if it was so much work, you could have just stayed home."

"I didn't want to stay home. I went to your stupid brother's wedding because I wanted to see you. Do you think I get pleasure from driving 3 hours to go to that fucking wedding where your dad breathed down my neck the whole time like I was some hoodlum and your mum hit on me more times than I can count? I went to see you. You're buggering me down because I missed a train, meanwhile, you have made no effort to come visit me. I had a lot of things I wanted you to come to but when you said no and went and hung out with your weirdo fucking friends I was fine with it because you're happy and you write me these beautiful fucking essays, even if I was upset that you weren't there."

"At least, I tell you what I'm up to. You're so evasive about everything. 'How was the gig?' 'Oh, uh, good.' It's like you don't want me to care about these things or you have some secret you're hiding. How about those groupies, huh?"

"Oh, shut up, Jane!" It was the first time he was harsh with me. Flippant and distressing. "You create problems where they aren't. Posh, much?"

"Fuck off with that. You talk all this shit about my family—"

"Because you do!"

"That doesn't mean you can. I want you to care and it doesn't seem like you could give less of a shit. You complain about everything I want to do with you."

"I do not complain. You force this shit out of me. I'd sit through another awful wedding if that meant I could hang out with you. Meanwhile, any inconvenience for you cancels out anything I'd want you to do."

"I sat through all those shitty gigs that no one showed up to for you."

"Back when you were pining after me. Who gives a shit once you've moved on?"

"I'm in university, unlike you. You can come down whenever you want because you work at some shitty bar and play 1 gig a week, if even. And for fuck's sake if you want me to go to the fucking gig. I'll go to the fucking gig."

"I want you to want to go to the gig. Don't make me do anything you don't want to do, Jane, I know how hard that is for you."

"I just want you to give a shit."

"What are you talking about? Of course, I give a shit. See this, this is what I'm talking about. The fabricating problems out of nothing. When have I ever shown that I don't give a shit?"

"When you missed the trains!"

"I'm still taking the fucking trains! You're the one sitting on your ass here."

"I'm getting a degree!"

"I know! Will you fuck off with that?"

"Why? Scared you're going to work at a bar for the rest of your life."

"Hey, at least I've worked a job, unlike you fucking around with your dad's money."

"Fuck you!" I left the building then. He might have called after me but I don't remember. I felt badly suffocated for the first time with Alex. I walked around for a while. Aimlessly. I don't know what he did during this time. Maybe he walked around too. Paced the apartment. Pulled his hair out. Played Snake on his Nokia. I don't know but I cared too much during that time. Desperate to know what he was getting away at. I fantasized about it my whole walk. Best case. Worst case. Okay case. Most of it was nightmares. The rest was delusions.

I came back around 5 and he was lying on his back on my bed. I thought he might have been asleep at first. He didn't make any movement when I walked in until I called out, "Hey."

He sat up like he had been zapped. His gaze was on me intensely and he took a while before he said anything, eventually, "Hey."

A thought rushed through my mind, the one that had echoed through my head on the walk, in class, when writing emails, on the car ride down to London. I had forced it away for so long but the hotbox situation we were in prompted me to finally let it out. "Do you think we should break up?"

His eyes fell to his shoes, dangling off the side of the bed. He avoided my eyeline at all costs. "Is that what you want?"

No, but I didn't feel I could tell him that. "I want to know what you want."

He played his people-pleaser card. I wouldn't label Alex as that but he had a fashion, mainly with women, of not letting his opinion know. "I don't want to make you be with me if you don't want to." 

To me, when it was to my advantage it was the greatest thing ever. Other times, it angered me beyond belief. "For god's sake, Alex, do you want to break up with me or not? Yes or no?"

"No," he said firmly. 

It had ended our breaking-up conversation but it didn't exactly fix our problem. "I don't want to ruin our friendship by dragging out something that isn't going to work."

Alex met my eyes. "It'll work." 

I sighed. "Shouldn't we be mature about this?"

"You're 18, you don't have to be mature about anything, Janie." And suddenly I felt like he was talking to 6-year-old me. By that point, he'd already memorized my childhood stories of foolish escapades. I forced myself to be an adult so young that I'd spent away my years of forgiven recklessness in return for the punishable kind. Not many people in my life realized that. The ones that did, didn't care, they preferred me tagging along to drunken nights. Alex preferred hiding away in my bedroom. And, sure, maybe a drink or two.

He'd cracked my heart open in so many ways that I don't think he ever understood what he was the first to do.

He reached a hand out to me urging me to join him on the bed. I sat beside him, not touching, I muttered, "I don't want to hurt you."

Then, he wrapped his arm around me, pulled me into him, kissed my temple, and said, "You worry too much about me."

Later that night when Alex and I were still out of breath, we curled into one another. For the first time, we made no move to get dressed. Just laid with one another. I dug my face into his collarbone and thought about suffocating myself.

"What are you doing?" He questioned, always questioning me. 

My stomach grew heavy and I felt like crying, comforted by the idea that he would hold me while I did. "I wish you were here all the time." It wasn't just him. Everything in my life, the past one spent in that Wakefield house felt like it was slipping away from me. He felt like the only thing I could hold onto. So, I held tightly. Sometimes too tightly but he accepted any fingernail-induced bleeding from me.

His arm tightened around my back. He kissed my ear. Softly, for just my left ear to hear, he whispered, "Me too."

I started crying then. It was quiet just the shaking of my shoulders and the breaths I attempted to get and take in. Alex made no effort to stop me, his hand rubbed up and down my back. He knew what I needed and he held me. We didn't talk for the rest of the night. His hands did the work, up & down. His lips kissed my temple. I'm not sure if I dreamt it or not, but somewhere before I fully fell asleep, he whispered, "I love you." Even if he didn't say it, I knew. He held me all night. I gripped him and rubbed my back. I sometimes wish I never left that spot, stayed in the corner of him like the embracing Pompeii couple. Buried in volcanic ash together being each other's last comfort. Alex's shoulder must have ached after that night. Everything just ached after.

*

a/n: i sorta got carried away there with that word count, i don't know what i was on because i'll probably never write a part this long again until the next part where i accidentally end up writing 50k. ah, well, hope you enjoy as much as i did writing it. jane & alex 4 eva.

[dietmountaindewbae]

what about fetus sub Al?

xxii. room on fire

alex turner x reader

word count: 7784

summary: Alex (btb!), Andy, and Matt invite you to see The Strokes live in London

warnings: sp*t, unpr*tected s*ex

song recommendation: automatic stop by the strokes

───── ୨୧ ─────

Closing shut your locker you grab your heavy backpack on your shoulders, the day felt like it was slower than ever but you were happy your next period was a little more fun, literature with your favorite teacher, you read a few pages of the book you were reading in class at home when you couldn't sleep, hearing some music while at it, a lot of people hated to read with music but it just fed your imagination.

Suddenly you heard three voices calling out your name from the hallway, running up to you, "You won't believe it!" Andy said to you, "You won't, you won't!" He said as he giggled from the excitement of Alex and Matt catching up to him.

"Won't believe what? Why? What's going on?" You asked them, they were all jumping up and down nudging at each other's shoulder, smiling at a piece of paper, they were acting like three little girls finding out their crush likes them.

"You will shit yourself!" Matt said.

"It's not me that has" The bell rang meaning to go inside the class, the teacher could be fun and all but hated delay, "I can't with you three seriously, I'll see you in class" You walked in, Alex and the rest following behind you, and that's when they all circled you, "Quit the bullocks, what's going on?"

"Guess who's coming to London?" Alex said, he was blushing from the joy, and you hummed.

"The vines?" You guessed, they all said no with their head, if they were this excited it had to be huge, and that's when it clicked, "...The strokes?" You said with a hint of doubt, Alex finally showed you that piece of paper, and you gasped so loudly, "Really?!"

"It's official, we have to go!" Matt announced.

"Go where mister Helders?" The teacher came inside making Matt's smile turn into a serious one, he looked like he had shat himself... again.

"N-Nowhere" He answered.

"Go back to your seat, please" He nodded sitting behind you while Alex sat next to you.

"Come with us, love, we don't always get to be 16 and go to a Strokes concert" He whispered to you, "Everyone is coming!" He insisted.

"Of course, I want to go, I'll do my best to convince my mum.... plus, what's the point of having a strokes shirt if I haven't seen them live?"

"Young lady if you're going to socialize with Alex let it be outside" The teacher raised his voice, the rest teasing the both of you with their stares and giggles, you and Alex were close, but not as close as you'd liked, he hardly ever spoke to you about a secret he had, or when he was feeling down, yes, he did it sometimes, but not as much as Matt or Andy talked to you, you tried to make him, but it maybe wasn't as easy for him to trust you, you wondered why, you've known each other since middle school, he wasn't always like this.

"Sorry," You said giggling along with Alex.

"Do you think everyone at school will go? Like... Lauren maybe?" Lauren, what else could you say? She was your friend, not your best friend but you hung out with her often, Alex and Lauren talked a lot too, he said it was friendly but what Lauren said was different, you didn't know why but when he asked you about her you felt a little off.

"O-Oh, I don't know, maybe" She liked pop music better but she pretended to like them because of Alex, she liked him but he played dumb about it, and when Lauren noticed that she began to play dumb as well, hoping that it'll grow some interest on him, maybe it was working.

"I hope you can come with us, we'll book a room and everything, I'll talk about it later with me mum"

"How's Penny?" You asked dearly, she was the kindest and coolest woman you'd ever met, and for the rest of the class, you kept whispering to Alex about how excited you felt.

[...]

A few days passed and soon enough Andy got tickets for the three and begged their mums for a room in any place they could get them, your mum wouldn't agree to let you go with three boys to London for a massive gig of some "messy" rock band, you were short on money, and for what you knew everyone was going, except for you, either you got a job fast or not go at all.

"Girls, you won't believe it!"Lauren announced during lunch some other band would come to London as well, she already had her tickets to The Strokes, but she sounded way more pumped about this other band, so you sat there, ears pitched, on the look for what was she going to say next.

"So what are you going to do?" Your friend asked.

"I'm selling my ticket for The Strokes," Your heart skipped a beat and you were fast to say you wanted it.

"How much?" She gave you the price, but you were still short though, you had to think of a bribe she couldn't say no to, "How about I give you what I have on me and... do your homework for a month" Lauren laughed at you.

"Until the end of the year!" She demanded, you stood your ground.

"It's for a month, you should be thanking me" It was a good deal, you weren't just giving her money but you were saving her from getting kicked out of school for skipping class to go out with his 20-something boyfriend-situation.

"Deal" She handed you the ticket, and you gasped and hugged her, "Have fun" She rolled her eyes.

"Thank you!" You took your things and ran to get to Alex, all three of them had breakfast outside by the hidden threes to have a smoke, you had never felt so excited before, your little heart was about to beat out of your chest, and your lower abdomen hurting because you were running too fast, pushing people away, until you crashed with a boy falling on your ass, "Oh, Alex!"

"Love, a-are you ok?! Oh God, I'm so sorry I didn't see you" He helped you, picking you up from the floor, and you gasped his name, "What's wrong?"

"Guess who's going to the gig?" He gasped as you showed him the ticket.

"You're coming with us?!" He spun you around, picking you up in the air, "Oh my god! That's so great" He hugged you so tightly you were happy to feel short on air, "I knew you would manage to go, so I booked an extra room for you, I knew you would make it" You hugged him close, it was so nice and considerate for him, you didn't expect for him to do such a thing.

"I'll give you back every penny! You didn't have to" He shrugged and waved it off, scratching the back of his head.

"I suppose that's what mates do, right? Besides, you shouldn't be thanking me, you should be thanking Penny" You broke into laughter with him, your eyes locked in a stare, "We made it!"

"I know, we're going to see The fuckin' Strokes!" You yelled, "We're going to fuckin' London to see The Strokes baby!" You both jumped up and down like little children, you were so happy feeling the euphoria of just the thought, and then it died as your mind couldn't escape reality, 'not that fast' it said, "Shit..."

"What?" He says.

"Me mum, she's gonna kill me... and I need the money for the train!" Alex pursed his lips and you massaged your forehead, a pulsing pain in your head increased, and your stress murdered your excitement.

"We'll figure summat out... leave it to us"

That same afternoon, around 6 o'clock your door was almost knocked over by the various and brutal knocks on it, you went running downstairs in your pajamas and a giant wet towel on your head, "Oi!"

"It's us!" Andy said from the other side of the door.

"What the fuck are you-" They shushed you, coming in one after the other, you pulled Alex to the side, "What are you doing?" You whispered.

"Taking care of it just as I promised... nice pajamas" He joked, your snoopy pajamas were your favorite, and you followed Alex into the kitchen where your mum was. You are certain that she won't let you go after this, she hates it whenever people just come into the house with no warning, but she said hello to all of them with a warm hug and a smile, they bribed your mum with her favorite biscuits and tea.

That evening, they made a PowerPoint slide called "10 reasons why your daughter should be allowed to go with us"

"No. 1 reason is..." Matt said, "She'll be well taken care of, protected, and have her own space"

"No.2 is, she's the only one with enough brains to lead us through London," Said Andy.

"No 3. is, we're proper lads, and we'll behave as such" Alex smiles at you.

Seven slides after, and a couple of biscuits and cups of steaming tea, your mum agreed to the proposal, mainly because they had taken the time to make the slides and gave her plenty of reasons to trust you with their company, after all, she's practically best friend's with Matt's mum and had a good concept of Alex and Andy, maybe she was in a good mood today. After the boys left, you were left alone with your mum cleaning the dishes as she gave you the money for your train ticket, and you spent the night packing with a smirk on your lips, listening to the strokes on your MP3 all night.

You kept counting the minutes to see them, and when the time arrived you were bright and early at the station, smiling at Alex when you saw him waiting for you at the entrance, "Ready?"

"I was born ready for this moment" You exaggerated making him break into laughter, "Where's Andy and Matt?"

"They took the train earlier to check us in, so once there, we'll just shower and go" You jumped up and down feeling your heart pumping faster, "I'm delighted you came with us actually, so happy"

"Why?" You said once inside the train, Alex like the gentleman he is and the one he promised to be, put your bags away, "Dips on the window" You said.

"Knew it," He sat next to you, unwrapping his scarf, "Well... to be honest, I don't think Lauren likes the strokes with the same passion as me and you do"

"But... even if she doesn't like them, I thought you liked her," You said to him puzzled, "I mean... you're always talking to her, hugging, kissing her cheek... thought you'd be happier if she came" He even kissed her at a party once, even though he says he doesn't remember doing such, you did, and you didn't want to sound so bothered by it but you were, it made you feel strange, even a little jealous.

"But that doesn't mean I like her, besides, I think she only likes them bigger boys, way more fitter than me" He cleared out, and you playfully squeezed his arm.

"You're quite fit Alex, don't say that" He scratched the back of his head again, you notice he often does it when he's nervous, he takes a peek at the book you take out from your purse, along with your music and your wired headphones.

"What 'ave you got there?" He takes your book away from you, it was an edition of Edgar Allan Poe's poetry, then he grabbed your MP3, going through your music, he had grown interested, he didn't understand why he wanted to touch your stuff, wanted to see what's inside your purse, your books, your music library, your head, he wanted to know more, he always did, "You win the prize for the most interesting girl... not that you're not pretty, you're beautiful" He talked to you with such shyness it made you feel special, and the look in his eyes, the little sparkle in them, he bites down on his tongue, feeling as though he had completely fucked up with the words he chose to say, you weren't answering and he was panicking, you stared at him with a grin on your face, it made him feel nervous, his stomach going in circles.

"Thank you" You answered, he could finally breathe, "D'ya wanna share?" He hummed as a yes, discreetly sitting closer to you so you could share your music, and your book with him, you smiled at him, watching the threes go by one by one, all in a row, a beautiful landscape hidden in between them, watching them go by so fast made your eyes tired, your head fell to his shoulder you were quick to take it away.

"Oh sorry," You said to him taking a little space but he pulled you in, wrapping his arm around your shoulder as an instinctive, a few butterflies woke in your stomach, and in him too, even if he wasn't sure what was he doing, he went with it when he saw a beautiful smile appear on your lips.

"Don't worry, you can fall asleep, that's what me shoulder is for" He smiled at you so kindly, it made your heart melt, his sweet cologne, his soft skin, and his coffee brown eyes, you could spend the whole train ride counting his long eyelashes, and then, you fell asleep on the crook of his neck, and he rested his head on yours, you felt safe and warm.

A few hours on the train, and one taxi drive later you arrived at the hotel, the boys ordered some pizza, but you were thinking about looking flawless, so you juggled between having pizza and applying eyeshadow, it was hard but it paid it off very nicely, you heard one thousand knocks at your door.

"Can we come in?!" Matt asked, you opened the door with your toothbrush in your mouth.

"Hey! I swear, give me two seconds" You gathered your hair into a ponytail to spit on the sink, Matt, and Andy laughed at how funny you sounded, but Alex was in awe, you had chosen to wear your strokes shirt but you customized it into your own original off the shoulder shirt with some holes poked in it, you had traced the outline of the boys from a magazine, and painted them on your shirt with black paint and a thin brush, it fitted you big like a dress, fishnets, and your dirty old motorcycle boots, but what had him so invested on you were your eyes, even in the dark they sparkled, and your red plump lipstick.

All of them were dressed in their best gowns, wearing light washed ripped denim jeans, chunky belts under their graphic tees, and tracky shoes, zip ups, and denim jackets, Alex's messy and spiky hair looked cute on him, he chose to wear a white striped blue navy shirt, ripped denim, his jean jacket and dirty reeboks.

"Take as long as you need" He whispered, again Andy and Matt laughed at Alex signing him to sit on the bed next to them.

"You got that look on your face man" Matt teased, while Alex denied it.

"What face? What look?" Matt signed him to look at himself in the mirror, his cheeks were flushed, his mouth dry, and his heart going fast, he looked flustered.

"That face" Alex rolled his eyes and gave him a little smack on the head.

"Fuck off," Alex said to Matt.

"I can see little birds around your head and everything" Andy teased, but as Alex was about to say something else you walked out.

"Done! Let's go, let's go!" You grabbed your giant messy leather stubbed purse fixing your hair before leaving, "Wait, do you guys think I look ok?" Matt and Andy put their thumbs up, they were in a hurry.

Alex was the only one who came back and looked at you from bottom to top, his eyes smiled at yours, and said, "Gorgeous" He grabbed your hand and shut the door.

The venue wasn't big enough to fit the number of people inside, all pilled up together outside the Alexandra Palace, it felt like a huge ball of mass, you were holding on to Alex's arm for dear life, shaking from the cold, he noticed it and gave you his jacket since he knew you would be too embarrassed to ask, he felt like he had acquired a roll, as your protector, someone who not for one second would take their eyes off of you, even if his arms looked so thin they were strong, he made sure to take good care of you, and not only that, he proved himself he was good enough to be with someone like you. He hadn't noticed how much he liked you until you softly slept on his shoulder, his stomach felt the butterflies much bigger, wilder, his heart had warmed up for you, and he never admitted to it, until spending that ride on the train, he had always wondered with that idea on his head, he always wanted to get to know you better, take you out, but he couldn't, he knew he wouldn't ever, he never wanted to be your friend, and whenever he talked to you he knew if he had the chance to make out with you he would, and that would ruin everything because he knew he wouldn't let go of you after that, it was different with Lauren, she was the only thing that kept him from acknowledging the fact that he only wanted you. Once inside you pushed your way to the front, Alex behind you, his arms caged you against the barricade, grasping it for dear life, making sure not to squeeze you as more people tried to make their way to the front.

Suddenly the lights changed color, and everyone started screaming as Julian came out from the back, you jumped up and down like a little girl, he was so hot when he looked all sweaty and messy, everyone began to cheer and you joined in, it was huge, your euphoric heart was beating in your ears when they opened the gig with Reptilia, you were having the time of your life, hugging the people you loved the most, taking pictures of everyone all together, you never expected to meet them, you never believed in the right place, right time until you teamed up with them, even if it sounded silly, those boys really made you laugh, mostly the one that grasped your arm tightly, you took his arm away, but quickly grabbing his hand, for a moment his heart had shrunk but rushed back when you took his hand, and your eyes so tender, he was melting.

You found yourself jumping up and down along during Soma with Matt, just like two kids, the crowd was wild, you were screaming at the top of your lungs every single letter of their lyrics, dancing with each of the boys, there was crowd surfers, people jumping on each other, Alex grabbed your hand and your bag to assure you had fun, he was having enough fun watching you smile, and sing, twisting your feet, swaying your hips, your hairy was messy, and your eyeliner a bit runny but in his eyes, you never looked so beautiful, Matt nudged Alex's shoulder.

"Kiss her!" Matt yelled, "Go on, take your shot either you take it or leave it!" Alex laughed so hard, Matt had planned perfectly his joke as Take it or Leave it began, he could protect you, and be tough, but when he had to speak and tell you something so risky, he got scared of losing you, not only losing your friendship but also losing the little you two had built together over the years, he was so scared of not being the boy you needed, but he had nothing else to lose, the timing was perfect, there was no better place, he took the shot, and if things went wrong he didn't care anymore, he would still be there even if he had to start in first base all over again.

He called out your name, you were dancing with some random girl you met, and you turned to face him, he didn't look ok, he looked pale, and his sweat was cold, "Are you ok?!"

"Yes, I'm ok but-" He held your hands together, "I have to tell you summat!" People started to push you far from him, you were suffocating, not strong enough to fight it.

"What!?" Your ears were ringing from the loud music, he was trying to say something but he was fighting himself mentally.

"I have to-"

"Al, come closer I can't hear you!" The struggle to find the right words to phrase what he wanted to say was unbelievable, he felt so nervous and excited by the hope that maybe you could like him too, so he didn't think about it anymore.

"I like you!" He screamed but the music was only getting louder and the crowd rowdier, the only way to make it out in one piece was by jumping and throwing yourself to the front, you were struggling to reach Al as the crowd went crazy.

"You what?!" You asked again, you saw him annoyed, that look in his eyes was different, he was looking at you differently, he grabbed your elbow, finally being pressed up against him, he hugged your waist securing you in his arms, "I'm sorry I couldn't-"

"Shut up" He crashed his lips against yours, cupping your cheeks, deepening the kiss as the rush took over him, his body pressed up against yours, the room was silent and his lips on fire, his mouth tasting like heaven, his lips kissing yours until he was running out of air, he demanded more, so his tongue slipped inside your mouth in an eager but lovely kiss, it had set free all of the butterflies on your stomach, he was happy you returned the kiss just as eager as him, you bite down on his lower lip before breaking the kiss.

"Al, is that what you were trying to do?!" You smiled at him.

"Yes!" He sighed getting closer to your ear, "I like you, I have for a while now... I can't help meself when I'm around you!" He gave you another peck on your lips, it was softer and sweeter than the others but it ignited a fire within you, it tingles, and  you ached to be closer to him, it was never close enough, "I was too shy to tell you before cause I thought you wouldn't like me, I made excuses but I don't care anymore I just wanted to tell you, that's why I never made a close friendship with you, I never wanted to be your friend!"

Your cheeks burned as you kissed him again, it was more euphoric, scaling up another step, this time his hands dropped to your hips unconsciously, he pulled you closer, his arm around your lower back, while your hand was scattered on his hair, the crowd reduced to just you and him, only in that room, gasping for air but hungry for more, he couldn't handle it any longer and neither could you.

"I do like you, and a lot but I was also too scared to tell you," He shushed you with a kiss, he had always imagined this in his head, he always had a soft spot for you, always so caring about the others, a true honest friend, and not only were your looks, it was everything about you, he didn't want anyone else, he had to make it official, and the thrill got the best of him.

"Do you wanna be me girlfriend?!" He yells loud enough for Matt and Andy to hear it, they rush to save you two since you were getting further and further away from the front, they wrap their arms around you two, pushing the people away, jumping up and down, making Alex hug you tighter to him.

"So what do you say?!" Andy screams into your ear, Alex's brain couldn't decipher what made his heart go as fast, maybe it was the fact there was a small chance that you might say no, or the fact he was watching his favorite band live, with the girl that set his heart on fire since that kiss.

"I say yes!" You screamed to Alex, making him blush hard, you kissed his cheek and Alex tried his best to not hug you as tight since he was all sweaty, but you didn't care, you pulled him in closer, kissing his sweaty forehead.

"She said yes!" The crowd cheers you all up when they hear Andy announcing to everyone your answer, some of them were nice enough to make room for your little circle to go back to the front, Matt and Andy climbing the barricade while Alex held you the same way he did before, he gently puts his arms around your waist, his chin resting on your shoulder, and you cup his cheek kissing his lips and his nose. He gets hypnotized by the way your body moves against him, the sweat that runs from your neck to your collarbone making your chest shine, the little strap of your black bra falling to your shoulder, and he doubts it but he slides it back in place kissing your shoulder, you knew this was something he was afraid to do, but he felt enough trust to do it, you smile at him, dancing, sweating and crying from the excitement, you truly felt alive in this moment, this is something that was meant for you, you were sad about the concert ending but it was the start of something new, only one more song left, and they sing a cover from The Clash as a perfect way to close it, you sing with Alex but his hands travel down to your hips to make you face him, and he took a step forward to kiss you with a tremendous passion, Matt and Andy cheering for him, you had never thought Alex would be like that, so eager, people were pushing Alex, making you bend your back over the barricade, and you laugh as you see Julian's face upside down but nevertheless Alex leans in to kiss you just like that, he pulled you back in to not let you get hurt, you feel it inside him, he wanted to touch more than just your hips, and that shyness only made you get hotter, you grab his hands and put them in your bum, feeling his cheeks get hotter, and your tongue goes inside his mouth the moment he catches his breath, you gave him obvious signs that you wanted more, and he was ready to give you more.

The rush back into the hotel made you leave Matt and Andy in the lobby, the moment they turned their heads, you two had disappeared into the elevator, being all over each other, all sweaty and sticky, you had little to no clothes, and you were even feeling hotter as Alex hands grasp your bum the same way he did at the concert, you were blushing hard, he was following your lead, paying attention to your moves, feeling good about himself whenever he heard you sigh, but that wasn't enough for him, he wanted more noises, more touching.

The elevator door opens and you grab his hand, opening the door in a rush, and kicking it shut with your dirty shoes, walking to the bed and laying down gently in the white and cold bedsheets, you shiver, and he stares at you with a smile, "Are you sure this is what you want?" He asks, just to make sure he wasn't getting carried away or even making you do things you weren't a hundred percent sure of doing.

"Very" You answer with confidence, crawling across the bed and pulling him to sit down on the bed, you throw your leg over him, straddling him in between your thighs, "And you?" He pulls you in closer, sitting you directly on his crotch, that was his big answer.

"Can I?" His hands gently pull on the ends of your shirt, you give him a nod, and with the same gentleness he takes off your shirt, throwing it to the ground, you wore only black panties and that same beautiful black bra, it was simple but quite enough for him to get him all worked up, it was the first time he had seen any girl like that, ever, "Shit... is it too late to confess summat?"

"No, no, what's the matter?" You ask, getting a bit nervous about what he was thinking.

"I've never-... I haven't, you know... done it before?" You try to not giggle from his self-aware nervous self, you know if you did, he would get even more embarrassed, "I know you did it with... you know who, and I just... haven't had the chance, this is possibly as far as I've come to" He giggles from the nerves, and you massage his shoulders to make him feel at ease.

"And Lauren?" He shrugs.

"Never actually did anything with her" He confessed, "I just held back, wasn't ready... but now I am" You lean in to kiss him very slowly, "Now I feel stupid"

"Why?" You stayed quiet to hear his answer, you knew if you spoke too soon maybe your chance would get ruined, and you wanted him so badly, and he didn't want to feel unprepared.

"'Cause I've got this gorgeous girl in all of her fuckin' glory and I don't know what to do" You hug him closely, your chin on his head, and his hands lightly caress your back up and down slowly, you know exactly what to do.

"Just... relax, and enjoy the ride, don't think about anything... just let your body do it, ok? There are no wrong answers" You knew if he had no time to think then his heart and his body would do the rest for him, so you lay him down in the bed, feeling his shirt climbing up his hips, his boxer's band clinging onto his jeans, and your fingertips run over that uncovered piece of skin turning it into goosebumps, you look at him through your lashes as you hold the button of his jeans in between your fingers, he nods and you unbutton them, taking his zipper down and pulling his jeans off, he wore grey boxers, his cock battling his way out through them, his tip was red and warm, peeling off his skin as it grew bigger and harder in your hands, his hands run through his face and cover his mouth as he sees how your mouth opens to suck him off, the feeling of your soft tongue around his cock felt so good, kissing his tip and sucking it in your lips, your back arching as you tongue presses flat down on his cock licking it up like lollie, and spit on it, tugging it out.

"Oh... that's so fuckin' good love" His eyes roll back, biting down on his lip, his hands search for your hair, caressing it at first to then push your head down against his cock, you were determined to take him all in but you couldn't without gagging, you choke and Alex gets worried, had he done something wrong? It sounded like he did, "Are you ok... I'm so sorry" You grab his hand and hold it tightly.

"Alex... it's ok, don't apologize for that, you're just too big for my mouth" You climb into his lap, "What are you doin' with that shirt on, baby?" You tease him, enchanting him with your seductive voice, he immediately takes it off but never lets his eyes tear away from yours, you run your hands down his chest, so warm and soft, "That's better..." Then he takes the opportunity to unclasp your bra, sliding it down your arms and throwing it to the floor along with your clothes, he sighs as his hands slowly grab your tits and knead them gently in his hands.

"You're so sexy..." He kisses you slowly, running his hands down your smooth and fragile body, his fingertips grazing your back, he wants to touch every inch of your skin but wants to keep something from you, something that won him over, "Do you mind keeping the tights on?" He asks in his most shy and quiet voice.

"Why? Is that a turn-on for your Turn-er?" You tease him and he says yes with his head, now he has flipped your body to make you lay down, pinning your hands to the sides, and a smudge smile crawls to your face.

"You'll see now" He crawls down your body, peppering it with wet and loving kisses, he rips them apart with his hands, pushing your panties to the side, your pussy glistening with your juices, "Fuckin 'ell, you're so fucking pretty... I wanna taste it" He hints, you hum a yes immediately pushing his head down in between your legs, your fingers rub your clit and spread your wetness all over your pussy, getting him invested, if he could, he would watch you do that for hours, but when you were ready, he threw one of your legs over his shoulder, eating your pussy as if he was kissing you, spreading open your lips with his thumbs, and letting his tongue dance around your clit in circles.

"Fuck... me!" You choke out, pulling his hair and pushing his head on your pussy, his thumb pressed down on your clit, studying how your body moves with every touch or simple movement, he was amazed, he didn't even know what he was doing but if it felt right for you, it was right for him, and he thought about what could your body want, he was too ashamed to ask what he could do next, so he decided to check up on you.

"Am I any good?" You manage to push yourself up and say.

"Don't speak, just keep going" He submits to your orders, and keeps giving you head, he went deeper down, sucking on your little hole and pushing his tongue inside it, it turned him on so much, the flavor of your cunt, it was special, he could be smothered in it all day, his lips turned plump as he sucks harder on your clit and he goes back down to fucking your hole with his tongue, the sensation so overwhelming on your body, you feel something rising from there, all piling into your tummy, he sees you turning and twisting on the bed, your legs quiver, he sees the green light for him to continue, pressing his tongue flat against your clit, feeling more sweetness leaking out your pussy, and he doesn't end until you do, covering your face in the pillows so you muffle your moans as he licks every inch of your pussy and your sweet release, his dick was so hard, his impulses took over him, he climbed on top of you, throwing the pillow away so he could kiss your mouth, you feel his hard tip poking your inner thigh, "Fuck..." You sigh into his lips, "Do you wanna... you know?" You said with a giggle.

He bites down on his lip, his eyes sparkling, dark, and dilated by everything you've done together, "Yeah, I want to" He quickly fetches his jeans from the floor, Matt had once given him a condom as a joke before a party, and he carried it around just in case, but the one single condom he had, he couldn't find it anywhere, and he was certain he had put it somewhere in his pockets, "Shit" He slams his hand to his forehead.

"What's the matter?" You crawl to the edge of the bed where he is sitting, and you caress his shoulders, "Are you ok?" He felt like the No.1 idiot in the whole century.

"Don't have a condom" He muttered under his breath, and you quickly fetched your purse, you had an old condom in there, but nothing was safe enough, so you took matters into your own hands, you both wanted this, and it was going to happen.

"Get on top, come on," You tell him as you lay down in the bed, once he has settled on top of you, and his nose is grassing yours, you ask him, "You wanna take a risk with me?"And how could he say no when the girl he had this massive crush on was naked, on a bed, willing to give him what a man always wants, and there was not a single condom, "I didn't come prepared, didn't know this was going to happen, so I guess I fucked up too" You make him feel at ease when you make his stupid mistake that he was beating himself up about, turn it into a much human one, "So either you pull out or I will raise your kid into a killer machine" He breaks into laughter, blushing at your jokes, you didn't know what else to say.

"You know what? I think this was meant to be, love... right here, and now, as if everything had lined up for us, you kno'? I-I will pull out in time, don't worry" He kisses your temple, his fingertips lightly tracing the lines of your lips.

"Or... I've got a better idea" You tease him, "But first you better start fucking me big guy, and then you'll see" Alex pushed himself inside you with such ease it made a shiver crawl up his spine, he couldn't help himself, he moaned hard into your mouth, biting down on your lower lips, he makes a fist with the blankets, as his hips thrust inside your pussy slowly at first, but hearing those little gasps that come out of your mouth made him lose control over himself, gathering a pace that made your legs shake again, his hand slides down your thigh, putting it around his torso, you wrap him in, grabbing his bum and making him chuckle, he pushed himself deeper in, burying his cock inside you as he sees you bite down on your bruised lip, your eyes roll into white shiny pearls, his arms grabs the headboard tightly for support, "Oh my God... harder, please..."

"Like that?" You couldn't believe how terrifically good he was at this, and how he had the audacity if he was doing it right when he knew he was, judging by how hard you were trying not to moan, you were completely wrong about Alex, he wasn't shy, he wasn't reserved, he was cocky bastard, and you loved it, he knew what he was doing to you now, he was more confident about it, going harder just like you asked, driving your head to the edge of the bed, he feels so hot when your walls grip him, "God... you're so fuckin' tight" He hums at the feeling, grabbing your hips and driving them against his, the sounds echoing all over the room, you were sure everyone could hear it by now, you felt so close, you take your hand to your pussy, rubbing it in desperate circles as you bite on your knuckles, he sees everything so closely, how his cock glistens as he thrusts out of you, your pussy red, and your neck arched, your fingers so dirtily masturbating yourself, he was losing it, and he quickly pulled out of you before he could finish inside you, "Fuuuck" His voice shakes.

"Can you handle five more minutes, Al?" You were panting, trying to get your heart to go back to its normal rate, but it was so hard.

"Yeah, I think so..." You kiss him hard, pushing his body to the other edge of the bed, and strapping his arms down with your hands, he sees how your pussy slides down his wet cock slowly, your hair all over your face, you body covered in sweat, and kisses, his eyes focus on your hips, rocking back and forward, your clit rubbing against the short hairs on his cock, you didn't. know what it was, but he looked so hot with his little ingrown hairs, he looked more manly, his eyes couldn't believe what was happening, his brain wasn't working, he was just feeling everything so deeply, it wasn't just the need for the closeness or the warmth, it was what was behind all of that, the love, and the intimacy, you both felt it.

"I think I- fuck..." You choked out as he had taken advantage of the fact your whole body became stiff, this was the moment, he pressed your body against his tightly, feeling his heart about to beat out of his chest as he drove himself inside your hole, "Oh fuckin'... I'm gonna-... don't stop!" You cry out, you stare into his dark brown eyes as your insides squeeze out your release, you wanted to be the one in charge, so quickly push his arms up, pinning them down, fucking yourself into his cock, you were panting, and gasping for air as your pussy became a dripping and soggy mess.

"If I could cum inside you I would, but you feel so fuckin' hot... it-t's, you're-" He chokes in his own words, that same stiffness and need to keep fucking you until he finished took over him, he went faster and harder, losing control over himself.

"Come on, that's so good, Alex... come on big boy, you can cum wherever you want to" He squeezed your ass so hard, his mind clouded with lust and the pictures, and noises the came out of your pretty lips, this feeling overcame him, the sounds of your skin, the words that roll out of your mouth, your hands on his body, the love, just one last thrust of his hips and he quickly pulled out of you, "That's good Al..." You see his tip was leaking some cum already, you quickly get on all fours, and jerk him off fast with your hand, opening your mouth to let him slide to the back of your throat, and you pull back, sticking out your tongue so he could see himself cumming all over it, moaning and whimpering, so cute but so hot at the same time, he covered your whole mouth with his warm and creamy cum, you hum as he settles down back to reality, blushing hard as he sees you had swallowed some of it, but it was too much, the taste wasn't bad but the texture felt too much for you, you slowly walked to the bathroom as best as you could spitting that ball of cum off your mouth.

"I'm sorreh" He said once you laid down on the bed next to him.

"For what?" You ask him, and he shrugs and sighs.

"I dunno, I made a mess didn't I?" Alex beating himself up for that little detail in such a beautiful moment made you hug him closely, this was huge for him, and he wanted you to feel good.

"I liked it..." You confessed into his ear, "It was just that I didn't know what to do with so much, it's not a bad thing baby, don't worry about it" You kissed his cheek lovingly, "I had a great time"

"Me too" He turned to face you, your eyes focused on his completely, "And I hope we have more fun together..." He teased making you blush harder and giggle, "Sorry for breaking your tights... I'll buy you new ones"

"What you need to buy are condoms," You both break into laughter.

Watching the sun peek through his honey-colored eyes, were probably the second most beautiful thing, the first one was his face and big nose, how you love that nose and his cute smile, you were in deep for him, his arms around your waist, warm and cozy, and you didn't realize when you both fell asleep until you heard Alex's phone buzzing through his jeans, both of you woke up together as you heard knocks at your door, he quickly put on his same clothes from yesterday, while you changed into fresh ones. Alex opened the door with his face all red, Matt and Andy on the other side of the door with naughty grins.

"Matt is callin'" You stopped dead in your tracks as Matt and Andy look at you and back at Alex.

"There you guys were! Hello, good morning" They joked towards yours and Alex's red faces, you stood behind him and he glanced at you, "You have 5 minutes to be downstairs, we'll see you there, bye love birds" Alex shut the door, hearing their little laughs all the way down the corridor, and you couldn't hold it in either, you laughed and collapsed to the floor, your laugh so contagious him laughing just as hard.

In less than 5 minutes you were downstairs with Alex, him secretly holding your hand as you both check out, "That was very fast" Andy teased towards Alex.

"Fuck off" He raised his middle finger to him and Matt both, he didn't care about their little giggles and jokes, in this moment, it was sunshine and happiness, he wrapped his arm around your waist as you wait outside for a cap to come and pick you up.

Thankfully you were right in time for the train, Alex made a deal with Matt to take his seat next to yours in the back, and when the moment came, once inside the train he sat next to you, putting your bag away, and hugging you close to him in the seats, you stare into the sky as Alex's stares into the reflection of the window, your hands holding his as the other sits in your lap, legs crossed and your eyes a little tired but still mesmerizing, and in that moment he realized how much he loves you.

"What are you thinking about?" You say as you see him so lost in his thoughts, he smiles at you so brightly.

"Nothin'" He chuckles, you wait for him to speak since he has the words coming out the tip of his tongue, "It's just that... I'll need to check all my dirty jeans to see if I can find the condom Matt gave me"

"Oh... your mum won't be happy" You joke, and he pulls you in closer to him, maybe it was the boredom of the long train ride but, you inched closer to him, a not-so-clever idea popping into your head, "Hey..."

"Meet me in the bathroom?" You teased him, pecking his lips gently, he looked straight into your eyes, a small heat wave coming to his body, you weren't joking, he could see it in your eyes, you chose to wear a skirt on the train ride with some knee socks to keep your warm, you discreetly pull down your panties, and hand them over to him. He's in awe as he sees you leaving to the back of the train, into the bathroom with a cheeky smile on your face.

"Fuck" He sighs.

A/N

What?! Bonus chapter bitcheeesss! sorry for the 4-day vacation you guys, hope you didn't miss me much love you 💋

[britany1997]

Man of Your Midsummer Night’s Dreams

Dwayne x GN Fae Reader

Hope y’all enjoy this sweet little meet cute fic for Dwayne and Fae reader! Was really going for a ‘intimidating tough guy x sunshine reader’ trope hehe.

Comment to let me know you’d like to be added to my TLB taglist.

Dividers by @firefly-graphics

Dwayne awoke with a start, fumbling around in the dark. He patted around his necklace, only to find another piece missing.

He growled lowly to himself and jumped down from the ceiling, waking the boys.

Paul yawned, rubbing his eyes. “What’s wrong man, why ya up so early?”

Dwayne frowned. “It happened again.”

Marko leapt down to the floor beside Dwayne. “Dude that’s crazy,” he scratched his head in confusion. “How could someone…I mean how did they…” he sighed.

“I don’t know,” Dwayne’s hands balled into fists. “But I’m gonna find out.”

You zipped around the boardwalk, snagging pins from jackets, buttons from bags, and dangly earring from ears, leaving a glamor in their place so as not to alert the owner to your thieving. You filled your arms with any shiny object you could get your hands on.

Humans were simple, you thought to yourself as you weaved in and out of the massive crowd of people, so easily charmed and tricked.

You paused to watch the sight of them bumbling around the boardwalk, unaware of your presence and the mischief you were causing. You laughed to yourself.

While you were largely indifferent to humans, there were a few you liked more than others.

Like this one. You cloaked yourself with invisibility, allowing your catlike smile to disappear into the sea air.

You tailed the dark haired man, his beauty beckoning like a candle in the dark.

You toyed with his hair, taking a strand between your fingers and pulling lightly. You stilled when his head turned just slightly. Could he see you?

He shrugged and returned to joking around with his friends, probably blaming your ministrations on the wind.

You smirked. He was just some silly human…some silly, pretty human man.

You picked at the charms on his necklace. You’d been visiting him every now and again, taking piece after piece and building a necklace of your own.

You wanted to remember this human when you eventually flitted out of town. They didn’t usually come this cute.

You reached out to pull at the necklace, but before you could, his hand sealed around your wrist.

You gasped, your invisibility fading, causing you to materialize in front of the four men.

You were so shocked, you couldn’t contain the glamor keeping you in human form. Translucent wings, soft and thin as silk, sprouted from your shoulder blades.

The blonde men’s eyes filled with awe as they took in the sight of you, but the dark haired man only scowled.

Your first impulse was to compress to your true form and fly away, but the man growled under his breath, his fangs poking out of his mouth. “Don’t even try it,” he warned.

Your jaw dropped, “you’re- you’re not human,” you stuttered.

The bleach blond man chuckled, “not quite sprite.”

Your nose scrunched in annoyance, “I’m a fairy,” you corrected.

He smirked at you and the dark haired man, “you’re all the same to me.”

You scowled.

The bleach blond man grabbed the two other men by their collars. “We’ll see you back at the cave Dwayne,” his eyes narrowed on you, “seems you’ve got some business to deal with before you head home.”

Your eyes widened in fear. You turned towards Dwayne. “You wouldn’t want my blood, it’s poisonous for vampires,” you lied.

He yanked you into an alleyway nearby and pushed you up against a cold stone wall. “You’re a liar little thief,” he purred.

You squeaked.

“Why did you steal from me?” He demanded.

You gaped like a fish, your eyes taking in his beautiful face. You could lose yourself in those big brown eyes.

You longed to touch his chiseled jaw and feel his stubble beneath your fingers.

You blushed.

He pushed you harder into the stone. “Tell me.”

“Stop! My wings,” you whimpered, the pressure threatening to crack them.

Dwayne’s firm expression never wavered, but he did loosen his grip. “Spit it out,” he demanded.

“I- I liked you,” you confessed. “I just wanted something of yours to keep with me.”

His brow furrowed and he let you down. “What?” he asked.

Your face turned bright red. “Fae we um…we like small little trinket things,” you gestured to his necklace.

“But we like pretty things too,” you shifted on your feet nervously, you felt caught in two different ways.

Dwayne cocked his head. You waited nervously for his reaction.

His lip pulled up into a smirk. “You think I’m pretty?” he teased.

You huffed, your already red face going full tomato. “You don’t have to make a big deal about it,” you pouted.

“Don’t be shy,” he purred, “I think you’re pretty too.”

He ran the back of his hand along your wings gently. “You’re such a delicate little thing, arentcha baby?”

You giggled, your wings twitching with excitement. “Vampires are so interesting,” you leaned in to stroke his chest lightly, “I’ve heard all about your sharp teeth, but no one’s ever told me about your silver tongues.”

His smile was all fang.

You flashed him a pouty look with big puppy dog eyes, “do you forgive me?” you asked, “for taking your things.”

He raised an eyebrow, holding out his hand to you, “why don’t you give them back first.”

You pouted, but reluctantly handed over the charms from his necklace.

“How bout I make you your own baby?” he offered. “Come back to the cave with me, I’ll make you anything you want.”

You beamed, nodding and shrinking down to your true fairy form. You landed, sitting down in the palm of his outstretched hand.

His other hand came around to stroke your cheek with one finger. “You’re adorable like this,” he whispered, “so precious.” He held you reverently.

You blushed, smiling up at him with admiration. You wouldn’t be leaving Santa Carla anytime soon.

TLB Taglist❤️:

@6lostgirl6 @misslavenderlady @crustyboypix @anna1306 @bloodywickedvamp @sad-ghost-of-garbage @hypocriticaltypwriter @lostboys1987girl @solobagginses @gothamslostboy @arbesa-mind @dwaynesluscioushair @dwaynedelight @chiefdirector @its-freaking-bats @kurt-nightcrawler @arenpath @ria-coolgirl @vampirefilmlover @vxarak @mickkmaiden333 @bitchyexpertprincess @f4iryfxies @katerinaval @softchonk @walmart-cereal @warrior-616 @rynsfandomsfun @fraudfrog @mack-attack420

[nhlclover]

SKATING LESSONS WILL SMITH

— event masterlist !

pairing: fem!reader x will smith

summary: growing up in california, hockey and skating was not something you came by often. now, dating will, he decides to bring it in to your life and teach you to skate

warnings: an appearance from macklin, descriptions of reader being born in socal

wc: 1.27k

notes: third fic in my twelve days of christmas celebration! despite being born and raised in canada i am a god awful skater.

The crisp cold air prickled against your nose the moment you stepped into the SAP Center, a world utterly foreign to you. Growing up in sunny California, your life had revolved around beaches, sun-kissed boardwalks, and the lazy rhythm of waves lapping against the shore. Skating had been something you’d only ever seen in movies — elegant and effortless. And hockey? That was a mystery, a sport that belonged to distant snowy places you never thought about.

But here you were, bundled up in a long puffer jacket, watching as players and their families swirled around the rink. The air buzzed with laughter and chatter, children weaving between the adults with fearless abandon, while you hovered on the edge, your heart pounding against your ribs.

Will watched as your eyes darted around the rink, clearly nervous about skating for the first time. “Hey,” he said softly, pulling your gaze away from the ice. “Come sit, I’ll help you with your skates.”

You perched nervously on the bench, your legs bouncing slightly as Will crouched in front of you, guiding your foot into the skate. His fingers worked expertly, threading the laces through each eyelet, tugging them tight but not too tight.

“Okay,” he said, glancing up at you as he tied the knot. “First rule of skating: trust me. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

You tried to smile, but it came out more like a grimace. “Easier said than done. What if I fall? Or take someone else out? Or—”

“Hey.” His voice was low, soothing, and when his eyes met yours, the chaos of the rink seemed to fade for a moment. “You’re not gonna fall. And if you do, guess what? I’ll be right there to catch you. Or at least to laugh with you about it.”

That earned a small laugh, and you felt some of the tension in your shoulders ease.

Will finished tying your skate and patted your knee. “There. All set. You’re officially ready to hit the ice.”

You glanced warily at the rink, where a group of kids zipped past, giggling. “I don’t know if I can do this, Will…”

Will stood up, holding out his hand with an encouraging smile. “You can. And you’re not doing it alone. Come on, take it one step at a time.”

Reluctantly, you placed your hand in his, the warmth of his grip steadying you as you stood on the thick rubber mats that led to the rink. The skates felt alien beneath your feet, your ankles wobbling with each step. Will stayed close, his other hand at your elbow as he guided you to the edge of the ice.

“Okay, deep breath,” he said, stepping onto the ice first with practiced ease. His movements were fluid, as if the rink was his second home. He turned to you, his hand still extended. “One foot, then the other. You’ve got this.”

You hesitated, staring at the shimmering ice that stretched out endlessly in front of you. Your stomach twisted, and for a second, you thought about bolting back to the bench. But then you saw Will��s expression — patient, reassuring, and full of quiet confidence in you.

With a shaky inhale, you stepped onto the ice. The blade slipped slightly beneath you, and you clutched his hand like a lifeline.

“See? Not so bad,” he said with a grin, steadying you with both hands now. “Just keep your knees bent a little, and don’t lock them. That’ll help you balance.”

You nodded, still gripping his hands tightly as he led you forward. Your steps were cautious and slow, more like a shuffle than actual skating. Every few seconds, your skates would slide unpredictably, and you’d let out a startled squeak, causing Will to chuckle.

“Relax,” he murmured, his voice like a warm anchor in the chaos of your mind. “You’re doing great. Just focus on me, okay?”

Little by little, you started to find a rhythm. Will kept his movements slow and steady, walking backward as he guided you further out onto the ice. The sound of blades cutting through the ice and the laughter of others faded into the background.

“Okay, I’m gonna let go now,” Will said, stopping in the middle of the rink.

“What? No!” Your voice rose in panic, and your grip on his hands tightened.

“You’ve got this,” he reassured, his eyes twinkling with amusement. “Trust me.”

Before you could protest further, he gently released your hands and skated a few feet away.

The moment he let go, you wobbled, your arms flailing as you tried to keep your balance. Your heart pounded as you felt the unsteady glide of the skates beneath you. “Will!”

“You’re doing it!” he called, his smile wide and proud.

You blinked, realizing you were still upright, albeit wobbling like a newborn fawn. Tentatively, you pushed one foot forward, then the other. The movement was slow and uncoordinated, but it was progress. A thrill of accomplishment surged through you.

“I’m skating!” you said, half-laughing, half-disbelieving.

“Damn right you are,” Will said, skating backward to stay close, ready to catch you if needed.

Just as you were starting to feel proud of yourself, a blur of motion zipped by, and you heard a familiar voice call out, “Looking good out there, Bambi!” Macklin skated right past you, a smirk plastered on his face. 

“Bambi?” you echoed, glaring at him as he sped off.

Will was at your side in an instant, laughing. “Ignore him. He’s just jealous you’re picking it up so quickly.”

“I doubt that,” you said, your lips twitching into a grin despite yourself.

Macklin looped back around, throwing in a dramatic spin before skating off again. “Just don’t take out any kids, okay?” he called over his shoulder.

“Push me in his direction, I’m gonna fall on him and take him out.” you said, eyes narrowing on his speedy figure as he skated away.

Will burst out laughing, holding onto your waist to keep you from actually launching yourself in Macklin's direction.  “Not today, Bambi. Let’s stick to standing and skating for now.”

You grumbled something under your breath that Will couldn’t quite make out, but couldn’t stop smiling as Will guided you into another slow lap around the rink. He kept a hand on your back this time, steady and reassuring, while the other waved dramatically at Macklin as if to warn him to keep his distance.

You continued to focus on keeping your balance. The sensation of skating was still foreign, every movement precarious, but you were starting to feel a little braver. Your legs shook less with each stride, and you managed to glance around, taking in the rink without feeling overwhelmed.

By the time you stepped off the ice, your legs were like jelly, and your cheeks ached from smiling so much. As you sank onto the bench, putting your feet in Will’s lap so he could help you take off your skates, you couldn’t help but laugh. “I can’t believe I actually did that.”

Will plopped down beside you, his own skates still on. “I told you you could. And you didn’t even fall once. That’s impressive.”

“What can I say, I’m a natural.” you shrugged.

Will smirked, tugging your skate off and setting it aside. “A natural, huh? Should I sign you up for the next practice? You and Macklin can battle for ice time.”

You rolled your eyes, playfully nudging his shoulder. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. But… I think I could get used to this.”

His grin softened, his hand brushing yours. “Good. Because I like having you out there with me.”

[gooondocks]

and if your heart wears thin — evan buckley.

writing masterlist | askbox

─── summary: after taking an unfortunate spill on the job, buck's fiancé decides that life is too short to wait any longer.

─── pairing: evan buckley x gn!reader.

─── warnings & notes: angsty angst and then fluffy fluff. near death experience, descriptions of drowning and rescuscitation, brief mention of needles (not graphic), incorrect medical procedure for Plot purposes. no use of y/n. title is from 'beside you' by marianas trench. this starts out with some mild peril but devolves into some of the fluffiest shit i've ever written so. enjoy. not proofread bc i'm lazy.

─── word count: 3.9k.

     YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN EXPECTING IT, is the thing.

     The callout comes about halfway through the shift. Intoxicated male on the boardwalk at Echo Park Lake, bleeding from a head wound, having tripped getting out of one those damn swan boats. Dispatch warns that he’s been hostile and combative to both employees and civilians on scene, and that a police unit has also been sent to assist.

     So really, you should have been expecting it. Aggressive patients aren't exactly rare in your line of work, unfortunately. Hell, this wasn’t even the first confrontational call you attended this week. So you're pretty used to being on your guard on these kinds of calls.

     Except.

     You turned your back for only a second, just to grab something from the medkit. Buck and Eddie are doing their best to coax the patient onto the gurney, gritting their teeth as he hurls slurred curses their way. Hen quietly asks you to grab the pulse oximeter out of the bag, and so you turn, crouching down at the edge of the dock to rummage through the kit.

     You’re not sure what causes it. Why the patient decided to lash out at that exact moment. But there’s a gruff roar behind you and the man flails, edging around Eddie to give you an almighty shove. Crouched like this, your center of gravity suddenly shifts. You lose your balance.

     And then you're in the water.

     Panic floods your body as you breach the surface. It's instinct to gasp for air, except there isn't any; you take in a lungful of the lake instead, sputtering and hacking beneath the water as you try to kick towards daylight.

     It’s deeper than you thought it would be, so close to the shore. You keep kicking and kicking, but your boots never scrape the bottom, nor do you find the surface. It’s cold, too. Colder than you thought possible, in a lake in the middle of Los Angeles. But it’s winter now, you suppose. A grim, chilly February. Most of it has been spent curled up beneath a blanket with Buck, the pair of you ensconced in your cosy apartment.

     The past week has been overcast and windy. And the water is never as warm as the air temperature. Buck laughs every time you run into the surf at the beach, squealing at the sudden, sharp chill of it lapping at your skin.

     How cold can a human body become before it’s dangerous?

     You try to remember, but cold water curls around your limbs like heavy iron shackles, dragging you down. You can’t remember. Buck would know. Buck wouldn’t even have to think about it, he’d just reel off the answer in a heartbeat, and you’d smile proudly and kiss his cheek and insist, once again, that you should do a quiz night at your wedding reception.

     Your lungs are burning. God, your whole body’s just screaming for air, but you can’t find it. There isn’t any. Just endless, depthless water and the occasional wink of sunlight, mocking you from high above, then gone again. Never around long enough for you to find it. Never long enough to save you.

     Instinctively, you suck in another breath. Another barrage of lakewater floods your lungs. Dark spots start speckling across your vision.

     On the dock, Buck is screaming.

     He’d had one hand on the patient’s shoulder, his grip firm but gentle as he helped Eddie guide the guy onto the stretcher. You’d ducked out of sight for a moment, but Buck had been focused on subduing the patient. He tried not to grimace as waves of hot, rancid beer breath crashed over him.

     Then, with a strength that surprised them, the man wrenched out of Buck’s grasp and staggered away from them. Buck doesn’t think he shoved you on purpose, but it didn’t matter; one moment you were suspended, wobbling dangerously close to the edge of the dock, and the next—

     The next, you were gone.

     The patient’s still yelling nonsensically, curses and insults blending together into one unintelligible mess, but all Buck can hear is white noise. He blinks, but you’re still missing. He sees the gurney, the patient, Chimney’s pale face, the ripples spreading over the surface of the lake.

     But no you.

     Terror bolts through him, and without hesitation he’s sprinting to the edge of the dock. No, no, no. Ragged breaths tear out of his lungs as he scans the surface of the water, frantically searching for any sign of you.

     You’re okay, you’re okay, he repeats under his breath, over and over. Any moment now, your head will bob into view, and you’ll shoot him a waterlogged scowl, and he’ll laugh at you doing your best impression of a drowned cat, and everything will be okay.

     But the seconds tick by, one excruciating breath after another. There’s no sign of you.

     Buck shouts your name. A heart-wrenching cry. No, no, no.

     The rest of the team leap into action. Some of them load the patient quickly into the ambulance while Bobby radios for another RA unit. Eddie scrambles to grab the life preserver as Buck tears off his jacket, kicks the heavy boots off his feet. Hen and Chimney prepare their equipment for the worst.

     Please. Please. Buck doesn’t believe in God, but he spares a moment to pray before diving into the lake after you.

     The current catches him off-guard, tugging harshly at his clothes. It rained a lot earlier this week, so the lakes and rivers around Los Angeles are more swollen than usual, but the strength of it sends a spark of fear zipping up his spine. Falling in here, disoriented and panicking…

     He can barely make out your figure through the water’s murky gloom. Kicking hard, he swims down to you, loops strong arms around your waist. Wrapped in Buck’s unrelenting grip, he drags you back to the surface.

     “Eddie!” Buck calls out as he breaks through. Eddie wastes no time in tossing the life preserver towards him, who grabs hold of it with one hand, his other arm coiled tightly around your limp body, trying to keep your head above water.

     Bile rises in his throat as your clammy skin presses against his. You’re so cold. Panic wraps a hand around his throat and squeezes, hard, with every inch he gets closer to shore.

     Eddie and Bobby are quick to pull you both back to the dock, using the life preserver as a tow line. Hauling you out of the water, Buck lowers you gently to the ground. Your head rolls limply sideways, your face unnaturally pale, lips tinged blue from lack of oxygen.

     “They’re not breathing,” Hen murmurs worriedly. She sets the pulse ox on your finger while Chimney tries a sternal rub. You don’t flinch. “Respiratory arrest. Starting CPR.”

     Buck hovers at the edge of things. His chest is tight like a vise, steadily squeezing all the air of his lungs and replacing it with cold, slippery dread. He watches Hen and Chimney work over you, counts the reps in his head alongside them.

     He can’t tear his focus from your hands. They’re so still. Like a doll.

     Or a corpse.

     Please. You can’t leave him. You can’t. He hasn’t had enough time. You’re supposed to be getting married. Walk down the aisle together, spend a lifetime together. You were talking about getting a dog just last night. Planned a trip to the shelter for your next Saturday off. You were going to ask Chris to come with.

     And between one breath and the next, all of that could just be… gone.

     “Buck.” Eddie clasps a hand on Buck’s shoulder, wrapping a blanket around him to stave off the chill. Oh. He’s shivering, hands quivering at his sides, soaked clothes clinging to his skin. The blanket is tiny compared to Buck’s broad frame, but it’s something, at least. “Buck, breathe.”

    On the ground, Hen keeps administering rescue breaths. Every few seconds, she'll pause to check your response, but you remain frighteningly still every time.

     Buck can’t breathe until you do. He can’t.

     He feels so hyper-aware of everything around, the onslaught hitting all at once. The crowd of nosy onlookers gathered at the end of the dock, held back by frazzled park employees and a few other members of the 118. The wind ghosting over his skin, chilled gusts that ruffle his damp curls and creep beneath the blanket seeking wet skin to freeze.

     But most all, you. Always you. He can’t look away.

     Eddie’s hand on his shoulder feels like a tether, not quite breaking him from his thoughts completely but keeping him from falling over the edge of the precipice.

     “Buck, breathe.”

     His whole body shudders as does, finally, sucking a ragged breath into screaming lungs. His vision blurs just slightly. He blinks to clear it.

     You’ll make it. He cannot allow himself to think the worst. He won’t give up on you, won’t acknowledge the dark thoughts creeping in from the corners of his mind. You’ll make it. You have to.

     "Come on, kid," Chimney whispers as Hen administers another round of rescue breaths. "Come on, kid, you've got this—"

     And then between one second and the next, your whole body jolts, and you're vomiting out lungfuls of water. Hen rolls you onto your side, rubbing a soothing palm along your back as you wretch onto the ground.

     "That's it, baby, get it all out," she murmurs. You're gasping and hacking and sputtering lakewater all over the place, still not quite conscious, lips still a little blue and face still startlingly pale, but at least you're breathing.

     A wave of relief crashes over Buck and it almost takes him out at the knees. His heart’s still racing dangerously in his chest, trying to break past his ribs to reach you, and his hands still shake, but you’re breathing again.

     You’re breathing.

     He sways a little as his legs go weak. Buck feels lightheaded just witnessing you expel all that water, and sudden nausea grips his stomach in a vice. But he fights through it, unwilling to take his eyes off you for even a moment, even as his vision begins to blur again.

     Tears gather along his lash line, threatening to fall. He remains silent, not trusting that he won’t dissolve into tears the moment he opens his mouth.

     You’re still gagging, heaving onto the deck, but at least there’s no more water.

     He’s itching to reach out, touch you, feel your pulse flutter beneath his fingers to prove he’s not hallucinating. His hand twitches just slightly, like he almost does, but he feels rooted to the ground.

     Body wracked with violent tremors, you start to relax back onto the ground, limbs limp and leaden, throat and lungs burning like wildfire from the water you expelled. Your breath hitches every few seconds, still shallow and slow, so Hen fixes an oxygen mask to your face as Chimney mutters something about getting you to a hospital just as the second ambulance arrives on scene.

     You don't hear any of that. Blinking once, twice, the light is bright enough to make you squint as your mind swims hazily between waking and unconsciousness. Your head is pounding. You feel like you got hit by a goddamn truck. A pained moan whines out of you as you squeeze your eyes closed again to block out the weak, grey daylight.

     Buck bites his lip bloody as he watches you drift, your eyelids fluttering and your slow, stuttering breaths. His eyes are fixed on the oxygen mask. With every exhale, it turns foggy with condensation, and another knot of worry in his chest starts to loosen, but it’s not enough to put him at ease. Not yet.

     He’ll calm down only once you’ve been checked over at the hospital. Preferably with a second (or third) opinion, just in case.

     “Buck.” Eddie’s grip on his shoulder tightens momentarily as he nudges Buck gently forward. “They need you.”

     On the ground, you're only semi-conscious, still not fully aware of your surroundings. But you feel like you're looking for someone. Like there's someone missing, and you reach out blindly with one cold, trembling hand.

     Buck’s own fingers flex in response, but his legs still feel too heavy. He looks to Eddie, who nods at him, before Buck allows himself to be pushed towards you.

     Eddie’s right. You need him.

     Stumbling forward, he drops down to his knees, a dull thud echoing up from the wood that nearly makes him wince. He edges closer, eyes flicking all over your face, taking in your gaunt, washed out features, that cyan tint to your lips, the way you’re reaching out to him.

     Slowly, so slowly, he hesitantly takes your hand in his, curling careful fingers around yours. He squeezes tightly, and then it’s like he’s afraid someone will steal you away from him, because his grip turns almost tight enough to bruise.

     “I’m here, baby.”

     The hand encircling yours is warm and huge and comfortingly familiar, and when his voice drifts over you, something in your mind flickers with recognition. Your eyes flutter as you search for him, ignoring the way the light feels like skewers in your brain. "Buck?" Muffled by the oxygen mask, your voice is barely more than a whisper, throat rubbed raw from expelling the water.

     "Let's get her on a gurney." Hen is all business, but there's a soft, relieved smile on her face. "We'll start an IV of warm fluids in the ambulance to bring your body temp up. You weren’t down for too long, but I want to get you checked by a doctor soon in case there's any neurological issues."

     She’s addressing you, but it’s Buck who’s listening, taking in what she’s saying. He squeezes your hand again, trying to be a tether to consciousness as you weakly nod. He watches as your eyes search for him again.

     “You’re okay, you’re okay. You’re gonna be okay,” he murmurs softly, his thumb gently caressing the back of your hand.

     It’s more to reassure himself than anything.

     They're quick to transfer you to a gurney, and soon you're being wheeled towards the ambulance. Buck's hand in yours is a comforting anchor to reality, even as your whole body aches with pain.

     "Cold," you mutter once the doors have closed. Chimney's driving. Buck's in the back with you and Hen. You wouldn't have let go of his hand if they'd even tried to separate you, but they didn’t.

     Buck watches over you like he’s scared you’ll stop breathing if looks away. The lines of his fave are still creased with worry, but his thumb is soft, tracing soothing, mindless circles over your skin.

     When you speak his head snaps up slightly, eyes immediately locking with yours as you call out for him, murmuring in a raspy voice that you’re cold.

     “I know, it’s okay. Here, let me.” Hen wordlessly passes him a heated blanket and he’s gentle as he strips you of your wet shirt. Expertly avoiding the leads and tubes attached to your body, he tucks it around you, still holding your hand all the while.

     "Mm." You make a small, pleased noise as the blanket's warmth envelops you. It barely registers when Hen reaches across to take your other hand, wincing a little as she inserts a cannula to start you on an IV of warm fluids.

     "ER is ten minutes out," she murmurs quietly, and settles back to monitor your vital signs, offering you and Buck a little privacy.

     You're still shivering beneath the blanket, even as the warmth of it starts seeping into your bones, but that's more of an aftereffect of drowning than actual cold. You squeeze your fiancé's hand as hard as you can. "Buck?"

     “Right here, baby,” he murmurs softly, squeezing right back. His free hand moves to your head, fingers gently running through your damp, tangled hair.

     "Wanna marry you."

     The words that spill out of you are little more than a mumble, your eyes still closed, face still hidden beneath the oxygen mask. Soaked strands of hair drip murky lake water onto the floor.

     Buck is already your fiancé. You're already engaged. But there's an urgency settling in your gut, twisting up your insides in the worst way.

     You want— no, need to marry him.

     As soon as possible.

     It takes a few seconds to understand what you said, but when the words finally register, it feels like they’ve grown talons that tear right into his chest. The urgency in your tone makes his eyes still, and his heart starts to race all over again, threatening to beat right out of his chest so it can live next to yours.

     Eyes softening, he moves his hand from your hair to rest his index finger under your chin, gently tracing his thumb over your lip.

     “Marry me, huh?” he mumbles softly. You’d never be able to tell that on the inside, his brain is screaming gleefully that he’d marry you right now if Hen were ordained.

     He taps your nose over the oxygen mask, and if you were a little more awake (and not encumbered by the oxygen mask), you’d nip at his finger, a playful smile toying at your lips.

     Instead, you make the cutest grumbling sound he’s ever heard. "Mm. Now.” Your engagement ring is tucked safely in your locker back at the station, replaced on shift by a black silicone band that won't get damaged on a call.

     You squeeze his hand again, tugging insistently on it. Blinking against the harsh light of the ambulance, your gaze finds his, eyes still foggy and unfocused. “Marry me.”

     If another day passes before you’re married to this man, you may actually lose your mind.

     Butterflies swirl around Buck’s stomach, a far cry from nausea that rolled through him not that long ago. The small smile on your lips and the way you’re tugging on his hand make him feel all warm and gooey.

     He laughs softly at you, tapping his finger against your nose again. “Right now? We’re gonna get married right now? With you in the hospital?” He’s got no hope of masking the amusement in his tone. He wants to marry you yesterday. His eyes sparkle as he looks down at you with a quirked brow.

     You nod a little, trying not to wince as that sets off the pounding in your head. God, you pity those who get regular migraines. This is torture, and you only suffered a little oxygen deprivation!

     But Buck is smiling.

     He’s smiling and it's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. You thought you'd never see it again. You want to see that smile every moment for the rest of your life

     "Mm-hm," you mumble, leaning into his touch. "Eddie can be flower girl. Wedding night in a hospital room. Scandalise the nurses."

     You're not sure how much of that was coherent, but you hear Hen snort, so you figure it was mostly audible.

     Buck’s grin broadens at your suggestion, but he bites his tongue to stifle the laugh bubbling in his chest. “Scandalise the nurses, huh.” He glances at Hen out of the corner of his eye, catching her trying to smother a similar smile.

     You huff at him, as if he’s being particularly difficult. As if you didn’t almost die twenty minutes ago. As if there aren’t more important things to focus on than the elopement you’ve suddenly decided you need.

     Besides. They’re nurses. You’re pretty sure they’ve seen worse.

     “Sucked your dick in the broom closet at work,” you mutter, your eyes falling closed again as warmth and safety wrap you up like a swaddled baby. “We’re pretty scandalous, baby.”

     Hen is barely able to muffle her squawk in time, hand clapped over her mouth, and you can't help but smile at the bright sound of it. You're sleepy, and you've got no filter, but at least everyone else gets to enjoy it.

     Buck, meanwhile, almost chokes on his own saliva. Eyes wide, jaw slack, a rosy flush creeps up his neck. It’s Hen’s reaction that makes him laugh, though, and he finally lets it out, quiet but affectionate as it tumbles from his lips.

     He shakes his head a little as he looks back down at you. “You’re gonna be the death of me, you know that?” His thumb keeps tracing lightly over the back of your hand, and the expression on his face is impossibly soft, his heart still racing in his chest.

     "Eddie in a pretty pink flower girl dress," you mumble, nonsensical images flitting through your mind of your friend drowning in tulle. You sigh. "You'd still be prettier. Just wanna marry you."

     The way he’s looking at you makes you feel warmer than any blanket. You feel like you’re floating on a cloud instead of stretched out on a gurney in the back of an ambulance.

     You want nothing more than to curl up in his arms right now, at home in your bed. This situation is certainly not ideal.

     "Bet we could get Eddie to wear a dress." More sleepy grumbles. You try to roll over, shuffle closer to your fiancé, but annoyingly, your body feels far too heavy to cooperate. "Play the I nearly drowned card. That would work. Bobby can officiate. Hen gets the cake. Can't wait another day."

     Buck snorts at the idea of Eddie in a dress, but his heart feels so full it’s like his body can barely contain it. The urge to wrap you up in his arms, to hold you close and never let go, hits him like a baseball bat to the head.

     “We gotta wait until you’re able to talk without being a smartass,” he says teasingly, tapping your nose again.

     You whine, frowning like a grumpy, tired child. “Then we’ll never get married.”

     Truly, if you have to wait for until the day you stop being a smartass, the world might end first.

     You look over at Hen through sleepy, puppy dog eyes. "Back me up here, Hen." You're so drowsy, exhaustion pulling you into its delicious embrace, but you’re pretty sure you'll remember all of this when you wake up.

     Hen certainly will, at least.

     A slow, sly smile creeps onto her face. Buck feels distinctly like he’s being ganged up on. For once, he really doesn’t mind.

     "Well, we as a firehouse are well-known for our impromptu party planning..." Hen recalls her vow renewal, and Chimney's wedding to Maddie, and every back-to-work celebration she ever organised. They are pretty damn good at this. "As long as the doctors clear you, I don't see why we can't plan a shotgun wedding in your hospital room."

     A triumphant, extremely sleepy grin spreads across your face, and you look back at Buck. "So marry me, hotshot."

     He huffs a melodramatic sigh, as if this is the world’s biggest inconvenience for him, but he cannot hide the way his ears turn pink, the way his whole body lights up like a sparkler on the Fourth of July.

     “A shotgun hospital wedding it is,” he says, bright with glee as he lifts your hand to his mouth, brushing a sweet kiss to your knuckles.

     With that settled, contentment curls up beneath your ribs like a cat in a patch of sunlight, and you doze off into a dreamless sleep, feeling like the luckiest person alive.