#(context: I have anxiety lol)
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If I had a nickel for every time Andy has made a character with anxiety, I’d have 3 nickels. Which isn’t a lot, but I appreciate that it’s become a sort of common occurrence
#granted I’ve only watched 4 campaigns#but 3/4 Andy characters with anxiety is a win in my book#(context: I have anxiety lol)#especially since the severity of the anxiety varies between characters#and all feel fairly realistic to me#legends of avantris#once upon a witchlight#ouaw#torbek#curse of strahdanya#silas shepherd morgan#icebound#skrimm stabbaskotch#yes Shep has anxiety#it’s not as obvious as skrimms or Torbek’s#but it’s there. you can see it if you look for it
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HAPPY NEW YEARS 🥳🫶🏻❤️ everyone pls wish me luck going to a party where I know 1/3 of the ppl dressed like a bear
#it’s for my brother bc my family nickname is bear#for context the party is apres ski themed#which I felt like a bear fits????#but also it’ll make him happy hahaha#cursing away my social anxiety tho LOL#my actual fit is below the cut this is what I have on under the suit lol#everyone else is gonna b in like sweaters#personal
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I loved seeing Taylor in person so much because it was a real lesson for me in appreciating aspects of her I’ve routinely dismissed because I was too busy trying to unpack the Other Stuff going on at the same time; namely and most importantly, her showmanship!
#I know everyone has said it a million times lol#but she really did put on a show. and the weird thing was …. it FELT like a show#like. all the songs were ones I knew but the context made them all new#also Taylor was just so warm it was insane. it doesn’t translate over screen imo#and I liked the eras tour movie but she was palpable onstage#the Taylor show is one of the few experiences i genuinely wish I could relive#(re-live? sp?)#because I wasn’t enjoying it enough. my anxiety was through the roof#I was still enjoying it such is her power but yeah#also concerts are kind of evil places there are too many people#I’m SO sorry I can’t shut up I am just staying up too late because Nina went to bed and I have no one to talk to
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honestly it's been really healing being back to actively contributing things and writing out thoughts on tumblr the last week or so, because while twitter tends to be easier for me to write out Thoughts on without getting overwhelmed, the environment in the twitter fandom circles i'm interested in is not only infested with antis but cliqueish in a way that is caustic to the fucking soul if you try to express a thought that's more than three sentences long--a hundred times over if you're autistic in slightly the wrong way--and it's incredibly reassuring to come back to an environment where the very kindest and most inclusive people toward you are not clearly thinking the r-slur the entire time they interact with you lmao
#whosebaby talks#took an incident of just open petty cruelty the other day for me to finally go#you know what all of this is doing a huge number on my self-esteem and scrupulosity and social anxiety and mental health overall#sometimes it pays to hold out and give the benefit of the doubt#when your knee-jerk reaction is to think something Must Be a Sign of Shitty Intent; bc often it will turn out that wasn't the case at all#but unfortunately sometimes it turns out people are in fact just being shitty in exactly the way you thought they were#and at the *very* best you are incompatible in such a way that if they don't have bad intentions you're just never going to be able to tell#or well. not even necessarily bad *intentions*; just shitty behavior that's harmful to you regardless of whether they mean well#sometimes you just gotta accept that even if neither of you *is* being shitty it's not worth your peace of mind to never be able to confirm#and it's better to just save both of you the stress and not try to pursue that.#it fuckin sucks when it's people you think are cool and really want to get to know; it's a hard lesson to learn; but it's the way sometimes#......and then sometimes the confirmation you finally get is that yeah okay this is some bullshit#and not in a way that can likely be communicated past; no matter how much effort you make to be kind; clear; and mature#and being publicly humiliated for carefully trying to yes-and some clarification on meta of mine#which was being used in ways i was deeply uncomfortable with; and had had no warning would take the turn that it did#and which was contributing to the original post gaining traction in the first place#all targeted in ways pretty much tailor-made to hurt someone with specific issues they had seen me talk about + acknowledged#was just. yeah i think i'm done here lmao#i am Not someone who takes down meta once posted#so the fact that it was bad enough to make me delete an entire thread really says something lol#anyway. lots of other context there; and i appreciate that in some ways the person was genuinely trying to be kind; but i'm. yeah.#that shit Hurted Extremely; and made me realize that while i'm not the *most* well-socialized or articulate or approachable#there is just something in the water over there and no amount of The Problem Not Being Me would have mattered#and the nice asks/replies/comments i've gotten both recently and during hibernation make me feel warm inside; thank y'all <3#the salt files#bullying cw#ableism cw
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western parents are so fucking weird i literally went “WHAT THE FAWK DÜDE??? THIS IS YAOUR SPACE!!! THIS IS YAOUR ÆREA SHE CAN’T TALK TO YOU LIKE THAT!!!” to my gf
#for context she wanted to go to her parents’ house for the weekend bc her roommate is throwing a party & her anxiety is spiking#& her mom got ANNOYED at her for that bc she wanted to bring her boyfriend to the house???#like my mom is shitty but she’d never pull something like that wtf is wrong with westerners#“u can’t come to the house u grew up in because i need to fuck my boyfriend there’’ BITCH GET A HOTEL ROOM IDGAF#no wonder their kids dump them in a retirement home & fuck off forever#individualism is cancer#& maybe there’s an argument to be made against polyamorous ppl having children lol
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Just realized I forgot to post these
#keese draws#oc art#oc#ocs#these guys are from the same story as the grape twins btw#root beer is their cousin and one of the four main characters#dragons beard is merlot's boyfriend and fellow antagonist#and lemon taffy is the older sibling of one of the other main characters who spends most of the story 'kidnapped'#and by kidnapped I mean the super villain polycule asked them if they could help them with some tests and they went 👍#important context! lemon taffy (and their two siblings) are the kids of three superheroes and merlot and fox grape are the kids of four#supervillains both of which are mostly absent for the main story (although the supervillains at least get to be more of side characters)#the heroes are off in space dealing with alien political drama that doesn't matter to the main plot#the two groups have a fairly casual rivalry but they still have genuine beef#merlot and fox grape were left home alone after their parents set out to work on some big project and merlot took the chance to go fuck#off and get a boyfriend to do crime with leaving fox grape desperately trying to find them and get them to come back home#and for the other side root beer was roped into helping rescue lemon taffy by their two younger siblings pop rock and jelly bean#he and pop rock are the main duo on that side with jelly bean being their guy in the chair#merlot and dragons beard are mostly antagonists to those three with fox grape and the other main guy cayenne pepper chasing after them#cayenne is dragon beards childhood friend and I have never drawn him before despite adoring him 😔#hes such a piece of shit I love him#in my old original concepts for him he was going to be an incel but then my brain went but what if. aro. and I instantly hard committed#hes a bitchy asshole who's made all the more annoying by the fact that his anxieties are low key completely justified#hes a sad wet cat abandoned in a cardboard box all alone 😔#oh yeah also worth noting that root beer is a vampire who has a strained relationship with his adoptive dads#oh and dragons beard's parents are a dragon and a royal fae so he has a lot of power that he doesnt know how to use lol#lemon taffy is like. sort of part dragon in a very distant way? their grandma was a failed revival of an old god who was a dragon who made#their dad out of her own magic which included that same magic from the dragon god who was basically made of magic#so he was also sort of part dragon but not really? idk its complicated#merlot and fox grape are miraculously not part dragon somehow despite my track record of making too many ppl dragons in this world#they are however vampires and also directly decend from a god so thats fun
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what if my reluctance to speak in a foreign language has to do with the fact that i couldnt even speak english growing up without being accosted over how i said things
#i mean theres the garden variety speaking anxiety in language learning lmao. but theres this too....#i didnt like having to repeat myself because apparently i spoke too fast/mumbled#but also im realising that when i repeated myself or spoke clearly then id just get 'why do you talk like that'#which is. lol. lmao even.#for context: Extremely american (californian) accent despite living in australia since age 2#and youd think well wouldnt u try to copy other peoples accents/pick it up naturally. well. no. i have to assume on account of the tism
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question: when you're starting a new job, what do you most want out of your first week of onboarding? what's most helpful for you to know/understand upfront? also... what's not helpful? tell me your onboarding nightmare stories too lol
#i honestly do not ever think i've had a positive onboarding experience#in my entire professional life#i guess for me a lot of my early-job anxieties are around expectations and 'rules'#like i want to know what time i'm supposed to be there and what time i'm allowed to leave and what the dress code is#and how the hybrid schedule works#so i don't make dumb mistakes right away#i also think i want to be involved in the real work as early as possible#like i don't have to be DOING anything yet but i want to be watching people do things and shadowing in meetings#so i can start to develop a sense of who's who and what the actual work of the office/workplace looks like#and also because i really value getting a feel for personalities as early as possible lol i want to know what the vibes are#hmm and also maybe most importantly#i feel like in any new situation i need a very loose conceptual framework to hold the new information being given to me#otherwise it's just random pieces of info you know? like it's helpful when someone is actively helping me fit information into a frame#like they're saying 'here's the HUGE picture - now let's zoom in and start looking at this one corner of it - and as we add new corners#i'll actively help you fill in the connective tissue that holds these different parts of the big picture together'#hmmm#my worst onboarding experiences have been when the person training me comes in and throws lots of#long complex extremely context-dependent documents or readings at me#and is like ok spend the week reading those and get back to me#and i'm like ??????????#i have NO understanding of what my role is or how this organization functions#at this point it is not helpful for me to pass my eyes over tons of dense info without a guide to tell me what's important#i have no way of gauging of something is important or trivial and then i feel stressed like i have to learn ALL of it#even though i know that a huge portion of it will end up being not that relevant to my day-to-day job
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Ok so apparently it's not normal that whenever someone goes to a restaurant and I'm with them, I expect them to get just themselves food and then we leave. Like if you get me food or ask if I want anything I will in fact look at you like you're a stranger who just walked up and offered me a 100 dollar bill
#what can i say im just used to getting nothing#both my parents and my older sisters would go to get food and basically never get me anything#if i did get anything it also wasnt 'what do you want' it was 'heres what im getting you youre welcome'#lol and i was okay with that? guys. guys am i supposed to raise my standards#is this like. am i not respecting myself enough#like this is me having gottwn much better too. i used to be even worse#if i went to your house and you let me sleep on something that wasnt the floor i would stare at yoy in shock#i was mentally incapable of comprehending that i could get whatever i wanted off of a menu#one time my friends mom actually yelled at me because she took me to dunk8n donuts and asked what i wanted#and i froze up so bad that i just couldnt say anything because i didnt know what she meant#i was like 'oh you dont need to get me anything' 😭😭 and she INSISTED she had to get me something#for context i mustve been like 9 and i had NEVER had anyone ask my what i wanted before#i also was so prepared to just skip breakfast due to the anxiety of this situation#turns out having kids skip breakfast is also not super normal? me and my sisters usually wouldnt eat breakfast#especially on sunday mornings before church because there was snacks there
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#woes of emily#poll#i have a few friends who do the opposite to me and just. wondering#truly not vagueing or anything lol#but i find this stressful and bad 90%~ of the time#I'm not actually sure which I'll vote for#because i think im probs at like. 10% ?#maybe i should round to the closest lol. that makes the most sense i think#give context in tags too!#like. i think this is more acceptable with irl friends#/ peope i know#i think its more stressful with strangers#maybe this is an anxiety thing idk
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is there a lot of setomary content in this world yes. but none of it portraying the dynamic i need it to......
#the 'ill doom the narrative for your sake' and 'ill undoom the narrative for your sake' dynamic#like these two are crazy. literally depressed as hell hated the world until they met one another#also even without this context i still see ppl getting their dynamic wrong like..#like theyre not kyaaa kyaaa so cute happy dates first of all#firstly seto is tsukihiko af meaning he'll build a house for her if she wants one.#and also he has an anxiety disorder. like dude is not just taking her out to places.......#and also hes like. way too shy to ever tell her his feelings.#and like mary is not happy happy going on dates btw.... this is a woman who gets scammed by salesmen#everytime she steps out of the house LMFAO#she probably wants to see around the city but shes so anxious. n seto is just as anxious and hides it so he enables her being a shutin LOL#kgprambling#THEY HAVE MULTITUDES OK..... but they just get reduced to being the happy cute couple#cuz well thats what they were for the first 2 years#and then outer science made it so they were the cute Tragic couple and fjsdlfjsldkf#stopping myself from writing a whole setomary thesis in the tags. i can do that in another post#seto tag
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soooo funny when i see a post of mine from like 2019 i was trying SO hard to be somebody else 😭
#given the context of my life i can sort of understand why but like i also think i was a bit manic#idk i feel wayyy more in control of myself and more sure of myself having started my anti anxiety meds like i feel like i can just exist no#but also the first like three months of it were the most manic and depersonalised i've ever felt lol i'm glad i stuck it out tho
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"hey HEY what do you have in your mouth!!! sit SIT. SPIT IT OUT GIVE IT—" but instead of talking to a dog it's me about my parents using the word overstimulated as nothing but another way to make fun of our anxious traumatized dog for doing things they find inconvenient or unreasonable or illogical (and, by extension, everyone who uses the term for legitimate reasons). (WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM!!!!!!!!!! AND ALSO WHERE THE FUCK DID THEY HEAR IT BECAUSE I DON'T USE IT AROUND THEM On Purpose BECAUSE I KNOW THEY'D BE ANNOYING ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
#cannot stress enough that they are ill informed. they do not know what they're talking about and would not accept it if i told them#they're not accomodating to sensory needs and do not fucking know the context of capital o Overstimulation in regards to like. ppl with#sensory difficulties. like. c'mon man. if i told you i was overstimulated you'd tell me it wasn't that bad and i should just sit still and#shut up. but suddenly it's fine when you're making jokes about??? completely unrelated things??? i mean. dogs can probably be#overstimulated. i think everyone can in kind of a general sense. but they act like her getting up from the couch or smth is some frantic#strange action. they're super fucking weird about her actually they'll like. tease(?) her about how needy and pathetic and unloved she is#and how 'traumatized' she is and how that makes her act in ways that bother them in kind of an eye roll-y way which like.#SHE *IS* TRAUMATIZED. WE'VE ESTABLISHED THAT SHE HAS REASON TO ACT LIKE THIS#like 'haha she's soooo afraid we'll abandon her she's so ridiculous' what like how she was ditched as a puppy and lived on the streets for#like a year? you don't think that could've affected her at all#fucking psych major bullshit ass. 'formative experiences actually don't affect you lol' go fuck yourself#im not saying you can't tease your pets but they're treating her like her anxiety and even basic affection seeking is some huge burden#when it's absolutely not. they just want to be mean to her because they don't want her to act that way and don't care about how she feels#because they think they know better and she has no immediate reason to feel that way. god i wonder if THAT has any relevance to how they#raised their children. christ on a cracker man what the fuck#how to create an environment where your children feel safe expressing their problems (a goal they supposedly have):#1) not whatever this shit is. what the fuck is wrong with you#look maybe it doesn't sound that bad but it's been going on for years and it's been pissing me off for years. they're so cruel and for what#it's such a double standard. our other (male) dog seeks affection about as often and they don't ever make fun of him for it#and they've gotten more and more entitled about her showing affection. like it's commanded now. it's gross to me okay i don't like it#she's a sweet and kind and loving girl and i don't get why they feel the need to act like her wanting their love is so horrible when they#literally want that from her and scold her when she doesn't do it#this general attitude that ppl are over exaggerating their trauma or their feelings or their needs/wants/boundaries is so pervasive w them#that complete disregard for/invalidation of how others feel if you can't personally relate to or understand it. the mockery and cruelty#they wouldn't do it if she could understand them. i think they just like having that power over smth small that loves them#so *i* have to be like 'ohhh i love u ur so good!! im so happy ur here' to her to balance it and then thats also seen as ridiculous. wtf#skrunks' parents be considerate and introspective to ppl without risk of rejection if unkind & also don't be ableist challenge (impossible)#they will call low/no empathy ppl frightening monsters and then do this shit. empathy is not necessary for kindness and frankly if that's#your only reason to care about the wellbeing of others i think that's worse. bitch IM low empathy. at least i give a shit#im so glad my mom didnt puruse psychology after her bachelor's she woulda hurt so many people. or maybe she'd be better idk. fucks sake
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oh im actually going to kill someone literally the first thing i thought was that the files must be transcribed weird. I WAS FUCKING RIGHT WHY IS IT TRANSCODING SHIT IN REAL TIME AT THE ABSOLUTE MAX POSSIBLE FUCK OFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!! THAT SETTING WAS OFF!! omg is it the files i got or something i thought they were fine. i feel like an insane person rn why is all my shit changed. if u literally told me someone broke in and changed a bunch of small things to make my setup work badly i would believe you because what the actual fuck. i was gonna say i need to listen to myself but i fixed like 3 other problems by not fixing what is probably the main fucking issue and itll be faster than before now but holy shit holy fucking shit oh my god
#WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY#pain and suffering and pain and suffering and pain etc#replacing these files asap i fucking knew it :/ i will have to go into the server settings and verify that nothing else is fucked up first#cuz idfk why its even doing that??? it should never do that???#converting the files remotely for now because im not dealing with that shit tn#<- i always say that and then keep working on it though :/#is that a regulation thing why do i do that. like when ur definitely not gonna go for a walk ur just gonna put ur coat on and stand outside#haha oh thank god i dont need to deal with that rn. *calms down* okay let me deal with it right now#mentally i am already not doing and done with the task simultaneously this is the only way to do the task#i should revisit the mastery section of my dbt skills i think#context i feel confident in my ability to fix tech problems i know it just requires persistence . so its easy to recover and jump back in#even though tech issues get on my nerves very fucking quickly. i can use little mind tricks like that to regulate w/o thinking about it#but i struggle to do that when i lack mastery. the outcome isnt assured so it's harder to not get stuck on details and give up#i think so anyway idk maybe im thinking about it too deep. i'll go over it again anyway though now that i'm looking at it#ive been trying to catch when im doing stuff like that more often because i know i have a LOT of tricks like that that feel intrinsic to me#i dont think about them its just how i function. so its invisible to me unless i tune in#i was thinking about that yesterday when i was smoking bc i realized a huge part of socializing for me is overthinking...#but its literally necessary? i am SO prone to saying the exact wrong hurtful thing. if i didnt turn things over in my head before i spoke#i would hurt people a lot and not on purpose. i catch myself at least once a day and think jesus god i'm glad i didn't say that#that gets misconstrued as social anxiety when its like no i LITERALLY just need to do it unless you want me to say very hurtful things#i think most people do not need to do that..? like i cant just Be Myself that bitch is a hugeeeeeee cuntttttttttt lol#and still a lot of stuff gets past because i dont realize the implications of what im saying...#thats why i cant fucking stand people who dont say anything when theyre hurt or just expect you to realize without expressing it#maybe they're scared of confrontation but i dont need people around me if theyre just passively miscontruing me as a careless asshole#i am an asshole! but i care! i try not to be one like really hard i swear to god#if you cant speak up when you are hurt you should not expect anyone to hear you thats how i feel#okay my file are done bai#z
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IM SO SORRY I JUST SAW YOUR POST I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER SOON
KLWHFELWJFLHDF I'M OKAY IT'S OKAY NOTHING HAPPENED!!!!
#i simply have anxiety disorder with random spikes of No Real Reason fear sometimes is ok#i took a shower it calmed me down LOL#asks#SORRY i sound a little intense with no context on here sometimes. also with context jfklsdhgklj
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through a combination of severe depression, autism, an intense desire to never be perceived, gender fuckery, and aroaceness, I completely swerved the performative femininity/body dysmorphia thing and i still don't have a skincare routine
#like i hated photos of myself all throughout my teens and i still kind of hate them but im not thinking about it much anymore#most of my friends have some level of body dysmorphia#i have gender dysphoria sometimes but luckily so bad#idk i think bc i never got sucked into like performing traditional feminine roles especially in a romantic/sexual context i kind of dodged a#bullet#bc ive never wanted to look attractive for someone#and im not saying there are not issues that come with my experience l#lol#idk i think often about how my identity and experiences shaped my life and relationship to myself#i never learnt how to do makeup so i still never wear any#cause i have had clinical depression since before puberty lol and anxiety that meant id never ask#oh also bc i have never had a job so have no money of my own i cant buy this stuff#im generally just very disconnected with my body#im in it sure but im not attached#so i dont put much value on it#tarot.txt#i make this post like every three months
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