#especially since the severity of the anxiety varies between characters

[luna-the-cretar]

If I had a nickel for every time Andy has made a character with anxiety, I’d have 3 nickels. Which isn’t a lot, but I appreciate that it’s become a sort of common occurrence

[cripplecharacters]

Hello!

I have a character I am considering be OCD (or possibly OCPD) and she is the narrator/POV character for a large portion (1/3) of the book. My issue is, if I decide to give her any condition related to compulsions, intrusive thoughts, etc, how do I get across the severity of the condition while neither pounding the readers over the head to the point of boredom/frustration, nor minimizing/erasing her symptoms by just ignoring them until they are relevant to the story? (The plot's focus is not on her disability, but disability is an underlying current through the whole book.)

I think this would be much easier of a balance to strike if it were a short story, especially since i have written short stories before from the POV of characters with similar issues, but this is going to be a full-length novel, and she'll probably be the narrator for like 60,000 words, and that is a lot longer for a reader to keep interest in her.

To be clear, I'm not asking for a list of symptoms or anything like that. I have been doing research and continue to, for that. I'm just wondering how to strike the balance between those experiences and turning off the reader from repetitiveness.

Hi asker,

What I think is you don't always have to describe all the thoughts in detail. If there's common themes/recurring imagery or the like in her thoughts, you could focus on that to minimize repetitiveness.

For example, if one of her themes is that she worries she might accidentally hurt someone, you could describe it in the first times it happens in-story as something like...

"As I walked next to Michael, I worried i might hurt him without intending to. What if I tripped and fell onto him? We were near the road. I always worried. I focused on counting my steps to make sure nothing would go wrong."

As in, you don't have to specify how exactly she's worried it might happen, or that her brain is giving her thoughts that it could happen in way A and B and C. And then, at some other point, when the triggering situation happens again, you can do something like,

"Michael walked next to me. I counted my steps. He told me about...."

However, you can absolutely embrace that repetitiveness as a narrative style. The more repetitiveness you write in, the more anxiety you are conveying, because you're conveying the thought loop that OCD causes.

You can also focus on the emotions your character feels during thought loops and compulsions to varying degrees. Sometimes she might be more distressed than other times. Sometimes she might just be annoyed. Sometimes she believes the compulsions more, sometimes she tries harder to resist them.

I would actually suggest picking up books with protagonists with OCD, just to see how this repetition is played with in the stories.

Books I can recall off the top of my head that I have read that have a protagonist with OCD are Turtles All The Way Down, The Goldfish Boy, and OCDaniel, and I don't remember myself getting turned off by repetitiveness at any point. I recommend them as interesting reads, but I read them all a while ago and can't go into much detail. They are all also YA or Middle Grade just because I enjoy those types of books, haha.

Hope this helps,

mod sparrow

[yunatheintrovert]

the curious case of Maxim Rykov's many paperweights

“Five minutes, Maximka.”

“Nyet,” he sighed out for the fifth time. His old friend certainly had enthusiasm for this particular objective but...well Leonid had a tendency to get carried away. And considering what happened when his friend was bored...Maxim was reluctant to say the least, “I need the man to be mentally intact. His intelligence must be verified after it is acquired, Lyonya.”

“I can be gentle,” Leonid idly said, tossing his knife in the air before easily catching it. Maxim shook his head. Lyonya was as gentle to a subject as a grenade was in a room full of people.

Looking at the stubborn look in his friend’s eyes, Maxim relented only slightly. If he took too long in acquiring intel from the subject, Perseus would hand the subject over to another...and Maxim didn’t want to have to go to that gas mask wearing bastard for the intel.

But Maxim wasn’t going to let Leonid do whatever he pleased. He knew him all too well to let that happen. For this delicate objective, there needed to be a plan...or rather several backup plans in place as well.

“What do you plan on doing with the subject?” The former para asked before he regretted making this decision. That sentiment only increased as Leonid smiled. What did the Americans say about that?

Ah yes, a smile like that of Cheshire cat, Maxim thought.

Leonid tilted his head slightly as if contemplating it before nodding to himself.

“I will poke him with the knife.” he declared. Maxim blinked.

“Poke?”

He nodded, raising his knife and moving it forward slightly in the air as if the action emphasized his words. Maxim looked on amusedly at the display before deciding to humor his old friend. Lyonya sure did love to put a little play on words, twisting the boundaries of orders bit by bit.

“Demonstrate how poking him with the knife on the thigh would be-”

And just as Maxim was about to reach for the wooden block he had laying around, he heard the tell-tale sound of splintering wood. He turned to see Lyonya’s large combat knife stabbed deep into the rich ebony wood of his desk.

He saw his friend staring expectantly at him as Maxim sighed, “I want the report on my desk by zero hundred hours. You are dismissed.”

The cut in his ebony desk only became more apparent after Leonid pulled out his combat knife that had been stabbed deep into his desk. He was as overzealous as ever in that demonstration.

“Lyonya,” Maxim said suddenly, knowing he should remind his friend of this one important thing.

“Da?”

“Poke him with the knife non-fatally,” Maxim said in his deadpan manner. He wasn’t quite reassured by his friend chuckling at the reminder. But he knew Leonid would ultimately listen.

Once he heard the door close behind Leonid, the former para let himself examine the damage to its full extent.

Maxim Nikolaevich Rykov stared down mournfully at the deep cut in his desk.

Ebony, it was.

It was issued by Perseus to all strike team field commanders for their offices...

But as the Americans would say, there was no use crying over spilled milk...especially if it was already rotten anyways.

With that conciliatory thought in mind, Maxim reached down to pull out the drawer of his desk. He stared down at the drawer filled with many paperweights of varying sizes. He looked over them critically before choosing one in particular that caught his eye in the past.

He strategically placed the paperweight over the deep stab wound in his ebony desk. Maxim nodded in satisfaction at the look of the sky blue glass paperweight in the shape of a bell with the VDV insignia etched into it. Each and every one of the paperweights on his desk were strategically placed there for this one purpose.

As he closed the open drawer of his desk, Maxim thought of the one rule he lived by.

Always be prepared.

_____________________________________________________________

Author's note: This is dedicated to the really sweet anon who kindly asked for funny stuff. I hope you don't mind that it's a funny-ish shenanigan that happens between Leonid & Maxim. I've been having writer's block recently and just a creative block in general and writing these two both brings me the serotonin and it's just easier to get ideas for these two. But I absolutely don't mind writing something else between different characters if you'd like! To the anon who asked for funny stuff, thank you so much for asking! Your asks have really been helping me get past my anxiety about writing and whatnot. I know it's been a long time since I replied (which happened cause I was an idiot), but I hope this little snippet starts to make up for it. ma

[synecdochereads]

Six of Crows – review

Someone said, “heist movie but it’s a fantasy setting,” and I’ve been on the lookout for this book ever since. I finally found it in the clearance section of Half Price Books, and then—couldn’t read it. I got through the first chapter, I started the second, I put it down, and I didn’t pick it up again. Not sure why, but frankly this has less to do with the book than with me. I’ve been erratic about reading for, oh, years now – either I can’t focus for more than a few pages at a time, or I spend every waking moment with my nose in the book. There’s no middle ground. There’s no telling which way the cards will fall.

All of this to say, it’s not the book’s fault that it took me so long. But then the show came out, I watched it gleefully with my mom, and somehow having seen the characters onscreen made it easier to slip into their heads on the page. Two days later, I’ve inhaled the entire book as fast as I could get away with, and I’m in love.

This isn’t a regular book review – I’m terrible at ranking things, and the five-star system gives me anxiety. It’s mostly just some Thoughts™ neatly sorted for clarity, and hopefully reading over them will help you decide if you should pick this book up and fall in love with it like I did.

Mind the cut!

Characters

I am in love with them.

It probably helps that I’ve been looking forward to this book for ages, I’ve seen lots of gifsets and the occasional meta post, and of course I did watch three out of six crows swan about being fantastic for an entire season of a show that’s not even about them. But it’s not just that. There are a lot of technical literary ways you can analyze characters – arcs, themes, etc – but quite apart from all of that there’s just…are they compelling? They don’t have to be, for a book to be good, but it sure does help. And these six characters are so compelling.

(Also really likeable, which is even less necessary for a good story but which I do personally value. And I like these kids, I really do. Even Kaz “I commit atrocities without shame or remorse” Brekker. Wouldn’t want to meet him in a dark alley, or even a well-lit avenue! But I care about him and want him to succeed.)

It’s hard to devote equal time to six character arcs while also running a fantasy heist. Bardugo doesn’t try, but even the crows who get less screen time have complexity and depth. They’re all well fleshed-out, with full and distinct personalities and all that – on a technical level, these are really well-crafted characters. Top notch. Plus everyone struggles with different traumas and goals, and handles them in different ways, which gives us wonderfully varied arcs as they each move toward a deeper understanding of themselves, for better or for worse.

It also gives us really varied dynamics – some of them hate each other, some of them love each other, some manage to do both at once, some are just along for the ride. It’s as they pull at each other’s ragged edges that the story forms, in their different desperate needs and in what they can and cannot be for each other.

The show smoothed over a lot of the sharp edges and grey morality, most notably in Kaz. Kaz Brekker is a bad person. He does bad things for selfish reasons. His arc isn’t Learning To Be Good, it’s an ongoing question of whether he might, for the sake of the first person he has (quite accidentally) let himself love, consider maybe perhaps being slightly less of an amoral monster. I’ve seen this book described as “fantasy Leverage episode” but it’s really more Ocean’s Eleven, if Danny Ocean was a vicious bastard and everyone was seventeen.

And that’s great. I love that so much! Especially because the other crows run the gamut from shining idealism to casual self-interest (with a fun detour into “shining idealism but the ideal is violent bigotry”), so we really do get a morally complex story, without any easy black-and-white answers. One of the most kind-hearted people in the whole story has committed multiple murders and dreams of becoming a pirate. Kaz Brekker may do bad things for selfish reasons, but a lot of those selfish reasons boil down to “survive.” It’s complicated! It’s compelling!

Plot

It’s a fantasy heist, what more do you need?

Plots and counter-plots, double-crosses and last-minute improvisations. Magic, though it’s used as just another tool, as impressive and as prosaic as the gunslinger’s pistols. Dramatic climbs, elaborate disguises, cunning grifts, and some good old-fashioned sleight-of-hand. Six wildly competent teenagers, one impossible job, and four million fantasy dollars waiting for them if they can pull it off.

Well, okay, that’s just half of the story – maybe two thirds. The rest is flashbacks, showing us how these characters met and how they came to be the people they are; and stolen moments in between the action beats, where we see how they’re changing each other. It’s woven in really deftly. Our knowledge of the characters expands in time with the forward momentum of the plot, so that both parts of the story – the sorrows of the past and the edge-of-your-seat excitement of the present – get their hooks in you in tandem.

Worldbuilding

There are two settings in this book: Ketterdam, where we begin, and the Ice Court, where the bulk of the action takes place. The wider world outside these two cities is sketched in, alluded to in offhand comments and minor details of backstory. In theory, reading the Grisha trilogy would fill in those sketches, but I suspect it doesn’t matter. This is a heist story, after all: one entrance, one exit, and all the traps laid firmly between the two.

You know that thing authors do sometimes where they use the aesthetic of a real time and place, in the names and the architecture and so on, as a sort of worldbuilding shorthand? I’m a big fan of that. Ketterdam is clearly based on post-medieval Holland, perhaps in the late 17th century or so – a city of canals and commerce, with a ruling merchant class and a thriving criminal underworld, and a stock exchange at the heart of the wealthier district. The similarities feel like they’re just skin-deep – I don’t know that much about post-medieval Holland, but I’m pretty sure Bardugo has her own plans for the political situation in the wider world, which I assume is relevant in the Grisha trilogy. Here it’s not, and we have just enough detail to get a quick feel for the city, with extra importance granted to the politics of the various criminal gangs Kaz needs to worry about.

If I’m honest, I would have enjoyed a bit more detail in the worldbuilding. Ketterdam is vibrant and crowded, but it feels shallow; the only information we get is what relates directly to the characters’ actions. We’re told that it’s a big and complex city, but I don’t really have any idea what goes on there beyond, vaguely, “trade, gambling, and tourism.” But that’s probably just me. I’m unreasonably invested in worldbuilding. And anyway, we do get everything we need to understand the actual story.

The same is true in the Ice Court, the frozen capital of the Fjerdans. It’s a beautiful place, white and gleaming, and the parts that we see are incredibly vivid. We get scant glimpses of history and religion, the faintest suggestion of politics, and exactly enough of the city layout to understand the heist. We do, however, get a much deeper understanding of Fjerdan culture than we did of Ketterdam’s, because one of the crows defines himself utterly by the Fjerdan worldview, and his arc is largely about the difficulty of losing his place in that world and not knowing if or how he can ever get it back.

So yeah, we really do get everything we need to appreciate the story and the characters. I would have liked more, because I like worldbuilding, but what we do get is varied and satisfying.

Themes

I can’t really go in depth here without spoilers, so this’ll be a pretty vague section. I haven’t gone full lit-major on this book and I don’t especially plan to, but at a glance, the central theme is the tension between, in short, love and vengeance.

In long, several of the crows have the choice to embrace love as a force for healing and joy, or instead hold onto the (often violent) goals that have driven and defined them for so long. If they embrace love, it’ll mean letting go of the driving purpose that has kept them alive, and risking their whole identity (and possibly their lives) on a new purpose. It’s scary! It might ruin them! And it’s really not as easy as “love conquers all.”

(Big advantage of an ensemble cast: you can explore the same theme in different ways, with different outcomes, without having to settle for a single “answer” to the question posed by the theme. I really love it when that happens, honestly.)

It’s also not just romantic love! I mean it mostly is, but one of the crows has an arc that’s really about self-love, about learning to trust and prioritize not just your survival, but your happiness, your goals, and your ideals. About putting yourself first, not in a selfish way, but in a healthy, loving way. It’s really lovely, and although it has no bearing on the plot (it’s an internal moment of revelation), it’s one of my favorite things about the whole story.

[jetaime-jespere]

2,7,13,16,34:)

#2: Why do you write fanfiction - this has changed a bit over time. I remember making up alternative endings to tv shows in my head in elementary school and wondering if other kids did the same thing. Sometimes I’d write them down but I always thought I was weird. Once I actually started writing, It was something I used to do for fun when I had the desire to, which was sporadic. I rarely ever published anything - for awhile I was really less than confident in my writing skills. I wrote a few things over the years for one fandom but hadn’t really done much else. I’ve always read fan fiction though. Since the pandemic began, it’s become more of an outlet, a way to distract my head from things and turn my brain off from stressors. I really struggle with a lot of anxiety and I’ve found writing is one of my better methods of dealing with my emotions and feelings. I started writing WSNE on July 9th (a really awful day I’ll never forget), and it just went from there.

#6: Element of writing that comes easily: I’d say anything that I have a personal connection to, or anything that is based on a real life experience. There are several parts of WSNE that are based in real life (whether my own or friends of mine) and that has always come very easily. 

#7: Element of writing I struggle with: I would say this varies chapter by chapter, or story by story. Every story has its challenges. Sometimes I struggle with dialogue, especially with characters I don’t feel confident writing. At times the research that goes into certain plot elements (JTF-12 & Interpol for WSNE was overwhelming when I first started it.) Sometimes I struggle with transitioning between certain scenes too. And when I write smut I always end up wondering if’s up to par. 

#13: First fandom: I would have to say ER .. a very long time ago. I used to write ER fics about Carter and Abby. in my notebooks in middle school I remember being so embarrassed about it then (also now because I will only ever ship her with Luka at this point) I’ve written for a ton of things for a bunch of fandoms over the years, I’ve just never either A. Finished it or B. Posted it. 

#16: Favorite Trope: The omg there’s only one bed what are we going to do trope is my favorite. Shameless admission. 

#34: Excerpt: When he finally slides inside of her in one smooth stroke, taking her hands in his and holding them above her head, she knows part of her will miss this , as wrong as it is. He’s helped her forget; made her remember she’s worthy of love, even if this one is the most fucked up kind there is. And for that, she can’t be anything but grateful.

Thank you for the ask 🙂 These were fun to think about!

[scripttorture]

Ok so I have a character that I want to be captured and held for several months for experimentation. She’s never awake for the experiments but when she is awake she’s chained to the ground by her wrists and blindfolded. She’s also an amputee from both of her mid-calves down on her legs and her prosthetic legs have been taken away so basically all she can do is sit down and lay down. If she was able to stand the chains would be just about long enough for her to stand up straight 1/?

I understand that her recovery would be a very long and difficult process, her shoulders would probably be ruined, her legs would be incredibly weak, and she would probably be bruised all over since she doesn’t have any cushioning under her. But my main problem is that I’m not sure what psychological effects she would experience. Every so often someone will come and speak to her but mostly just to agitate her. I plan on her being far more impulsive and easy to anger after she escaped 2/3But I don’t really know what else she would experience in changes of behaviour. Also wouldn’t the lack of light hitting her eyes for so long also mess up her vision?

-

I will give a more thorough answer because I don’t know how to be brief but there are several masterposts that I think could help you.

 I have two posts on medical testing. This one covers the basics of how medicines are tested. This one covers unethical experimentation.

 If you haven’t already I recommend reading the second one for the discussion of the differences between unethical experimentation and pseudo-scientific torture. From your description this scenario could be either.

 I’d caution against showing torture as reasoned, controlled or directed by logic. Because it isn’t.

 I talk about the long term effects of torture on survivors (and torturers) here. I have a post on the effects of solitary confinement here and I highly recommend Shalev’s sourcebook which is linked as one of the sources at the bottom.

 I don’t know whether a total lack of light would have long term effects on her vision.

 One of the possible physical effects of solitary confinement is worse vision. It’s suggested (though not to my knowledge proven) that this could be due to poor cell conditions and living in low light for prolonged periods.

 However, low light is different to total darkness. I know of at least one historical case where a prisoner was kept in total darkness for months and reported no vision problems afterwards.

 One case does not constitute proof and a lack of reporting does not necessarily mean a lack of symptoms. You might get a better answer from an optician. Once again, I’m not a medical doctor of any kind. And I’d rather be clear about what I don’t know.

 Which I think brings us to the main part of the question: the physical effects the character is likely to suffer from and long term psychological effects of torture and solitary confinement.

 Let’s start off with the physical.

 You haven’t said whether the character’s hands are cuffed behind her or in front of her. I’d suggest in front because that would give her a greater range of movement, allowing her to feed herself and reducing the chance of uh- essentially sudden death.

 Because the character’s movement is already significantly reduced by taking her prosthetics away. Having enough mobility to be able to shuffle and crawl would help prevent some of her muscle mass dying off. This in turn reduces the chance of kidney failure.

 Being able to feed herself more easily reduces the chance of death by starvation, dehydration of malnutrition. She’s imprisoned long enough for this to a be a real concern and generally guards are unlikely to take the time to hand feed every prisoner three times a day.

 Your instincts about the character’s long term injuries are generally pretty good, but depending on the type of cuffs used, the weight of the chains and how she’s handled by guards I think nerve damage at the wrists could be more likely then long term shoulder injuries.

 Essentially there are major nerves close to the skin in the wrists that are vulnerable. Thin cuffs, cuffs that are capable of tightening (ratcheting cuffs) and heavy cuffs/chains are all going to put more pressure on the wrists. Which over those months is going to cause irreparable damage to the nerves resulting in less mobility in the hands.

 Long term loss of fine motor control. Struggling with things like turning the pages of a book or doing up buttons.

 Now if that’s not what you’re going for the easiest solution is to describe the cuffs as wide (perhaps as much as a third of the forearm), made of lighter softer material such as leather and closed in a manner that will not tighten further, such as a buckle.

 None of this would necessarily cause shoulder damage. The pressure, the weight, is unlikely to be resting there for long periods of time and the character would have enough mobility to relieve that.

 Chronic pain in the shoulders (and knees) is certainly possible. But it doesn’t necessarily mean there’d be mobility issues or easily identifiable damage.

 If on the other hand you want the character to have long term damage the shoulders there’s an easy way to do that in this scenario. How are the guards transporting her? Dragging her, with a grip on the arm below the cuffs, would cause bruising and put a lot more pressure on her shoulders. Done repeatedly over time I think that could cause damage to the muscles and ligaments of the shoulder.

 As a final not if you haven’t already I’d suggest looking up the ulcers amputees can get on and around their stumps.

 I think that covers the physical effects, let’s move on to the long term psychological symptoms survivors experience. :)

 We don’t have a way to predict who gets which particular symptoms. We know which symptoms are possible but we don’t really understand why some survivors experience some symptoms and not others. We just know that most people don’t experience every possible symptom and what is broadly possible.

 So my general advice is to approach picking symptoms like an author. Think about what adds the most to your character and story.

 Think about which options can have an interesting impact on the plot, create interesting problems for the character or show the audience something about the character.

 What you’ve got so far is a good starting point. But it is a starting point, it’s one symptom when I think the character is much more likely to have something in the range of 4-6.

 That’s a slightly higher range then I quote on the Common Effects of Torture masterpost because the character is also in solitary confinement, which would make the symptoms of torture worse.

 What you’re describing sounds like the mood swings that are a common symptom in solitary survivors. Like I said, that is a good place to start.

 Given the restraint torture being used, the lack of appropriate bedding and the fact she’s a double amputee I think chronic pain is also incredibly likely. It can also fit very well with severe mood swings in a narrative. It can provide ‘reasons’ for shifts that seem really sudden to other characters making the mood swings seem more understandable and relatable to readers.

 Memory problems are incredibly common in survivors but are rarely portrayed well in fiction. Depending on the kind of story you want to tell memory problems could be a good fit.

 Based on what you’ve said I don’t think memory loss would be a good fit with this story. I think it would be hard to detect and have very little impact on the character and plot.

 Forgetfulness might be a good fit, but given the extent of the impact it can have on a survivor’s life it might effect what the character is capable of later in the story. And it might do it in ways you don’t want.

 Intrusive memories and inaccurate memories could both fit very well with this story. Intrusive memories particularly could be linked to the character’s mood swings and (if you use it) chronic pain.

 Again, this could be used to help the audience understand the character’s anger and her mood swings. It could really help put them in her shoes.

 Hypervigilance, anxiety, social isolation and long term personality change would all fit quite well.

 The solitary confinement masterpost has information that also applies to social isolation.

 Long term personality change isn’t very easy to strictly define. It varies widely between individuals. From a writing perspective I think the main thing is trying to balance showing a radical change in the character with making that change understandable to the reader.

 I think you could do that here, especially when you’re using anger and mood swings as your groundwork.

 The NHS website has a pretty good introduction to anxiety disorders here. It also briefly discusses hypervigilance (which it terms hyperarousal) as one of the symptoms of PTSD.

 Both can include physical symptoms like chest pain, heart palpitations and dizziness.

 Wrapping this up, remember that my symptom suggestions are just that: suggestions. If you see something on the symptom list that seems like a better fit for your story or character then use that. You know the story better then I do, you know what fits.

 I hope that helps. :)

Availableon Wordpress.

Disclaimer

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, Ch. 55

Happy Tuesday, everyone!

Things have been out of whack in the real world for a bit, so I know I’ve gotten behind on things like updating the Master List for this story, and especially behind on posting it to Wattpad.  My goal for this week is to have all that sorted out by Friday, so keep your eyes open.

Parts of this chapter were inspired by a conversation I had with @baelpenrose. It’s always surprising what things in my life inspire parts of this story, especially the people.

Content warning: Someone yelling and throwing things. It’s a temper tantrum, and no one gets hurt, but just in case, I wanted to give a head’s up.

”Damn it all to HELL!”

I stopped in the middle of what I was telling my sister as we both whipped our heads toward the shout, which was quickly followed by a crash. We glanced back at each other, her wide-eyed expression a mirror of what I imagined my own face looked like.

That shout came from my quarters, with a suspiciously heavy Irish accent.

We dashed to my door, stopping to peer around the corner as slowly as possible. I wasn’t sure about Tyche, but I had seen Conor angry before.  It was rare, and it took a lot, but when it happened, it happened in a big way.   This time, even I was surprised by the sheer magnitude; as we watched, he shouted and threw things, subconsciously careful to avoid hitting any terrariums or people.  Even so, Zach Khan was dodging to hide behind whatever piece of furniture he could impose between himself and my enraged partner.

Taking a deep breath, I stood tall and squared my shoulders, gently pushing down my sister’s arm when she tried to stop me from confronting Conor.  Firmly, I knocked on the threshold of the wide-open entrance before striding in with more confidence than I currently felt.  “You could at least close the door,” I suggested airily, trying to get his attention.

As I hoped, he whirled around to face me, disheveled hair falling in his face. “Sophie,” he started trying to explain. “You could have gotten hurt.”

“Hello to you, too, sweetie,” I smiled before stretching on my tiptoes as he automatically leaned down to let me kiss his cheek.  “I waited until you were on the other side of the room, facing away.  But that doesn’t explain why you’re currently scaring Zach and Tyche.”

All anger gone at this point, he stepped around me and toward my sister.  He crouched and softened his voice like he was coaxing a scared kitten, which I reminded myself firmly not to laugh at. “Oh gods, Tych, love, I’m so sorry.  I didn’t hit you with anything, did I?” He whirled to face me, all color drained from his face. “Please tell me I didn’t hit you with anything?” he begged, hitting his knees.

“Zach, you can come out now. It’s over,” I called softly to the sofa, before walking over, wrapping my arms around Conor, and assure him I was fine. Really, all he had done was make a mess. “Maybe take up boxing,” I suggested softly, brushing his hair back out of his face. “It’s a much healthier outlet for your frustration.”

Tyche came in the room, tentatively at first, then more confident when she saw Conor’s face buried in my stomach.  She started to pick up debris from the floor, but was interrupted. “Put it down, woman,” the muffled admonishment came from my abdomen. “I made the mess, my job to clean it up.  That’s the rule.”

She sputtered in exasperation. “Then what can I do!?  This place is a mess, and my anxiety says to clean or do something to fix it,” she scolded at my back.

“How about some coffee,” I suggested with a chuckle, patting Conor on the shoulder in indication that he should get started with cleanup.

Once everyone got settled – including Zach with a cocoa, seeing as he was practically vibrating with anxiety – and Conor went about restoring order to our living space and apologizing to the plants, I asked, “Are you going to blow up again if I ask what you were so angry about?”

Conor dropped his hands to his side and tilted his head back to face the ceiling. “No, I won’t. And it was Huynh.”

Tyche growled ferociously before elbowing me. Oh.

That was me growling, not her.

He continued blithely. “The diving platforms are showing signs of rust damage.” Frustration was showing in his tone, but not anger. So far, so good. “Since I was head of the project, he is coming down on me hard. Trying to say I cut corners, didn’t coat everything properly, used the wrong materials, basically just bollocked the whole thing.”

“But you were the one who ordered one of the platforms taken out entirely because it was too close to the line for spec…”

“Hey,” he pointed at me firmly. “That thing would have been clearly out of spec if the temperature varied more than about twenty degrees.”

“It’s climate controlled, and that’s my point. You literally went with ‘better safe than sorry’ the entire time, and he got mad at you for wasting materials to meet the guidelines.”

“That’s my point!” he cried in frustration, flinging his arms wide and falling to his back with a thud that made me wince. “And now, he’s reversed course and accusing me of shoddy workmanship. I can’t win!  Even though Mav signed off that everything was dead level, on the nose within tolerance.”

“Wait,” Zach interjected, wrinkling his nose. “Why would Maverick sign off on that? He’s a pilot. That doesn’t make sense.”

Tyche snickered. “He’s a pilot when we need a pilot. Which is nearly never, so he’s more like an insurance policy there – better to have and not need than need and not have.  No, he’s quality control for any equipment in the research labs.”

“That’s just… what? Not tracking.”  Poor Zach looked like he was getting a headache.  I dropped another marshmallow in his cocoa, and he looked like I had answered his prayers. Ah, yes. Marshmallow makes sense in this crazy world.

“He has an insane eye for detail and is a completely arse about precision,” Conor’s tone was so fond it barely escaped being considered cooing.  He shook his head and glowered at the boot wedged under a piece of furniture. “Huynh is calling that nepotism, by the way.”

“But he’s even worse here!” I cried.  Tyche nodded vigorously, having been subjected to a two-hour rant when she put away a fork the wrong way.  Not in the wrong drawer, the wrong direction.

Maverick was permanently in charge of setting the table for every meal.  It was the only way to avoid killing him outright.

“Okay…” Zach trailed off, pinching his nose and vigorously wiggling his mug to beg for more chocolate salvation. “But the platforms are still rusting?”

“All three,” Conor confirmed.  “They’ve warped badly enough that we had to declare them unsafe until we can figure out the issue.”

“Wait. They rusted that badly in four months?” Tyche looked so confused it made my face hurt in sympathy.  “How is that even possible? Even if you didn’t take any measures to prevent rust, it shouldn’t be that advanced.”

“Grey is trying to figure that out. It’s also why Mav is stuck at work and not here for dinner.”

As much as I wanted to laugh at the – very manly – pout I was witnessing, I was also frustrated by the interruption in our routine.  Shaking my head, I tried to steer the conversation away from our errant pilot. “Is there a possibility that one of the lab’s experiments could have caused the issues?”

Conor shook his head before surveying the area for any more storm damage. “If that was the case, it would be so corrosive everything in the habitat would have died, and all the swimmers would be burned.  We would have known almost instantly.” He raked a hand through his hair, turning to face us. “But if anyone can figure it out, it’s Grey.”

“What I don’t understand,” Tyche ventured, “is that the materials were fabricated here on the Ark, right?  The facilities are obviously more advanced than anything we could have managed before.” She waved her hand at the ceiling for emphasis. “So, how could there be any flaws in the materials themselves?”

“The program still has to be written,” Zach groaned as he leaned forward. “You’re right about the system being more advanced, but that also means it’s incredibly finicky and precise. One character out of place, and everything used could be worthless. And before you ask,” he held up both hands defensively, “I personally checked the programming against what it should have been, and there are exactly zero errors. It’s literally the cleanest bit of programming I’ve ever seen.”

Conor nodded, heading to the kitchen for his own coffee. “And before anyone asks, we’ve had the calculations checked over by six different people, plus our mate Noah.  Calculations are accurate, they were programmed in accurately, and Grey’s people have tested to make sure the output is accurate.  Mav has already measured the samples with everything he could get his hands on, and they all show the amount of precision you would expect from an advanced civilization.  No fault to be found in the materials, whatsoever, which is where I come in.”

“Ugh. Huynh needs someone to blame, and since the materials are as perfect as you could ever dream of, he’s putting the fault in the construction?” I may have had my moments of grudging respect, but I never quite managed to like the bastard. Here he was, proving me right.

“Which puts me on furlough until they figure out what the cause is, yeah.” He huffed explosively and flopped down into the seat my sister vacated for him. “At least I can still work in the hydroponics lab.”

“No offense to you, Zach, but have you considered having Derek cross check the program?”

“None taken, and yes,” he sighed. “But he’s been holed up in his quarters for two weeks now, won’t talk to anyone.  I sent him several requests, but never got a response.”

Alarmed, I started to say something, but Tyche cut me off. “I already checked with Noah, and Derek’s okay.  Not sleeping well, but otherwise his physical health is fine.”

I stood anyway, frowning. “That’s good to hear, and I know he goes through periods where he can’t be around people, but two weeks?  It’s not like him.”  Snatching up my purple fuzzy blanket, I headed to the door. “Mac in your quarters?”

“Yeah, but Soph – “

“Nope.  I’m taking him the blanket and the cat.  If he wants to talk, he’ll talk, but at least this way I can see him with my own eyes. I won’t be long, I promise.  Zach, feel free to stay for dinner.  We’re doing pizza tonight.”  With that, I took off, focused on my mission.

It only took me about fifteen minutes to collect my furry co-conspirator and make it to Derek’s quarters. “Hey,” I called softly, praying he still had the outer microphone on. “I heard you’ve been taking some alone time, so I thought I would bring you the blanket and your buddy.  No clue how you managed two weeks without him, but Mac misses you – “

The door slid open, revealing a piled of blankets with a surly, squinting face poking out. The door is keyed to let him in, Derek said impatiently before stepping aside to let me in.

As soon as the door closed behind me, the blanket monster stomped past and dropped on the bed.  I was relieved that nothing about the room immediately screamed for help.  Low lights, white noise in the background, and about as tidy as I could expect from a seventeen-year-old.  Two arms thrust themselves from the heap of fabric on the bed, hands grasping in a gesture that needed no working knowledge of sign language to understand.  Obediently, I handed over the soft purple offering in my hands.  Meanwhile, Mac dropped gracefully next to Derek with a demanding yowl.

“He likes to be invited,” I explained gently.  It was taking every ounce of willpower – and some I was pretty sure I didn’t possess – to keep myself from interrogating him on the length of his isolation.  Instead, I watched him rub my blanket against his face with one hand while the other tugged the large black cat onto his lap and started stroking it.  Despite token resistance, Mac quickly settled in for what was likely long-overdue and well-deserved attention.

I waited a few seconds, in case Derek wanted to talk, then cleared my throat. “Well… let me know if you need me to bring you anything else, okay?  And remember, cheese will make Mac sick, no matter how much he likes it.”  Quietly, I left with clenched teeth and eyes burning from tears I refused to shed.  I was trying to break my habit of smothering people, but it was hard.  Logically, I knew Derek could take care of himself – superficially, he had been doing fine.  But the fact that every blanket he seemed to own was layered over him, even just to answer the door?  He needed comfort, clearly.  Being incredibly touch-averse, I had to restrain my urge to hug him and let Mac and the blankets do the work.

Halfway back to my quarters, my databand chirped.  With a flick, I displayed the screen to see a message from him. “Not sleeping well. Nightmares.  They make me jumpy.  Mac will help.”

The corner of my mouth quirked up, despite my heart wanting to break. “He’s good for that,” I replied. “He eats nightmares, I think.”

“I’m not a child, I don’t need silly stories.”

I scoffed. “I know that. I’m being serious.  I never have nightmares when he’s around, and he always makes that face like he just ate when I wake up. Either he’s figured out how to work a console or he eats bad dreams.”

“I’ll lock down my console and let you know.”

With a deep breath, I told myself Derek would be okay and strolled back into my quarters.  Zach, Tyche, and Conor were in the kitchen, laughing and working on getting the pizza dough going.  It panged my heart not to see Maverick, but a part of me hoped that he would still manage to make it home in time to eat with us.

I’ll make an anchovy pizza, just in case, I told myself.

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[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

Hello! I was wondering if you could help me with (MBTI) typing myself since I've been struggling with it recently. Note that I'm a teenager + I'm rather bad at differinating certain traits in myself so I'll rely on what people usually say about me and/or things that nobody beside me can know or judge. When younger I was considered to be introverted/a loner although I'm not sure if it's caused by my natural introversion or by certain circumstances that lead me to lack close friendships.

I’ve been kind of enjoying the answering each part at once method, especially when the answer is going to be a variation “not sure, and this could use a lot of work,” so:

I know I have said multiple times that if you do are not fairly well able to talk about yourself and differentiate your traits, MBTI is not a good idea for you right now. This is fine and normal! Particularly if you’re a teenager! But the best thing for you to do is drop it and come back when you have a good sense of self. I think a lot of people come to MBTI with the attitude of “I don’t know who I am very well and this will tell me” when the fact is you need to know who you are to be able to type with any accuracy.

Also, for teenagers, this goes double, because when you say “when I was younger” you’re often talking about a point where you flat out didn’t have a clear type because you were a kid. Wait instead of asking.

           Most people I befriended back then didn't interest me much so I gave up on those friendships quickly. That made me accept my loneliness - I thought I will be alone forever. At the moment I'm starting it all over again by connecting to people and the perspective of being alone started to be frightening.  I'm rather indecisive, I'd been trying to come up with projects and ideas for a long time, I procrastinate and ignore my bodily needs often.            

This is something where it makes a huge difference if you’re talking about when you were like, 12, or when you were 15, for example. I mean, probably introversion but I wouldn’t discount other causes since this seems pretty intense in general.

Re: indecision, procrastination, bodily needs - probably high extroverted perceiving.

           When it comes to projects, my most craved perfect quality is novelty, originality, something that would twist expected lines of storytelling. I also like to tie them up with certain 'themes' so I have an excuse to learn about the topic as much as possible and make it educational and insightful for the perceivers.  I'm not sure if I have high Fi or Ti, but I lean for Fi for now.             

Also fits high extroverted perceiving. I have serious doubts about high Fi; high Fi users tend to have a good sense of who they are, even while fairly young, but also this could vary depending on if “I’m a teenager” means you’re 14 or if it means you’re 19. If 14, maybe. If 19, not unless you are incredibly unhealthy.

I deeply value knowledge and a lot of my goals and dreams were related to being skilful and knowledgeable about something, to be the master of my activity. So I'm a perfectionist and have rather high ambitions. At the same time it's mixed with insecurity and anxiety: I fear mistakes, prone to overthink, think lowly of myself and can't get motivated enough to do something. In the end if I'm motivated I get impressive amounts of work done in a short span of time but it happens only under stress.            

I am not a mental health professional and I may just be reading this wrong, but there have been a couple things now that make me think you may have some kind of anxiety or depression which also might be messing with your sense of self, and I cannot stress this enough, I think focusing on MBTI is probably not the right thing for you right now. All of this sounds more in line with anxiety and/or depression than high perceiving (except the motivation part, which tracks) and isn’t tied to an introverted judging either).

           I usually enjoy ignoring or rebelling against the rules. I used to be rude and oblivious of social norms so I had a few bad experiences with that. It made me hyper aware of implications of words so I act incredibly polite and awkward at first but grow more rude and straightforward when I get used to people. I can violate my personal borders of rudeness and make comments that come off as non-intended offending so I both make the person feel worse and get away with nothing but I rarely do that.             

Again this is something where if “used to be rude” is referring to when you were 11 means something very different than if it’s referring to when you were (for example) 15. This fits with low Fe more than high Fi; high Fi users can be introverted but they tend to have more people skills, but again, there’s so much else going on here I can’t say anything with much confidence.

People say my writings are focused on introspective thoughts and feelings a lot and the characters sound realistic but that my ability to properly understand people in real life is way more poor.  I'm told I'm very private. I can be incredibly helpful and accepting when my close ones are facing struggle but I don't know in-between so I either pay too much effort or ignore the bad signs. I rarely act on my thoughts although I can be impulsive. I wasn't sure whether I use Fi mostly because             

 Probably aux Ne, given the low understanding of surroundings and lack of action combined with the other extroverted perceiving signs, but also again, a lot of this just sounds...young.

myself internally (not all the time).  I think about improving and changing myself a lot. I tend to be oversensitive but it might be the teenager years.  I quickly engross in new hobbies and ideas with an intention of using their fullest potential/going in-depth of them but get detached from them quickly. I have a good memory for things I'm interested in - overall I'm ditzy and forgetful.   Sorry if it was not organized properly. I hope I gave you all the necessary information.    

yeah, more of the same - aux Ne.

------------------------------

So in summary - honestly, I think there’s two potential root causes at work here with a few effects that are going to make it incredibly difficult to type yourself:

1. There are several things that I cannot say with any reliability are depression or anxiety, but do sound like it to me, a layperson - isolating yourself from all your peers at a very young age is not really something most healthy people do - and if you are able to get that checked by someone who would know, I would recommend it.

2. If that’s not a factor, it’s also somewhat age/maturity level dependent. If you’re 14 or 15, either INFP or INTP are possible. If you’re 18 or 19, Fi-dom seems really unlikely. If you’re in the middle, it’s still kind of a toss-up based on maturity level and honestly I’d hold off until you’ve found out about potential mental illness.

But in general, it’s hard for a number of reasons for many teenagers to type themselves because a lot of late adolescence/early adulthood is inherently figuring out who you are when you don’t have constant supervision. The amount of change many people undergo their first year of college or in the work force is staggering because they’re to an extent making their own schedule, dealing with real responsibilities with severe consequences*, and making difficult choices possibly for the first time ever. My advice is to give it some time, especially if you’re a younger teenager, and get to know yourself better. MBTI is not going to disappear in the few years that will take.

*occasionally I’ve run into questions from people who are older who do not have many responsibilities, for whatever reason, and there are plenty of good reasons why that might be the case, but it also makes it really hard to type them. It’s not a bad thing or judgement necessarily, but an acknowledgement that again, if you don’t turn in an assignment on time, it’s a different scale of consequences than if you don’t pay rent or buy food for yourself on time.

[thewhitefluffyhat]

Feminist Relevant Themes

<-Previous (Introduction)

To talk about Magia Record’s writing in detail, it helps to understand how the game is structured.

Magia Record has many story modes:

Main Story: The main plot, centered on new protagonist Iroha arriving in the city of Kamihama to search for her missing sister.  Everyone can read this at any time, and new chapters come out every few months.

Another Story: The events of the Main Story, but told from the point of view of the original Madoka Magica cast.  Also always available to everyone.

Magical Girl Stories: short stories centered on one specific magical girl - usually they tell the backstory of the girl’s wish.  Can only be watched after obtaining the character in the gacha.

Mirrors Story: A very slowly updated story unlocked by completing many player vs. player battles.  

Event Stories:  Short stories that come out roughly every two weeks.  Sometimes introduce a new character for the gacha, sometimes related to a seasonal holiday.  Playable to anyone around during the event (and will be stored in the archive afterwards).

Costume Stories:  Tiny story snippets involving a character wearing a special outfit.  Implemented one year in and unlocked by obtaining both the character and the outfit in question.

Good

Female Friendship

As with the better side of magical girl media, the game’s biggest feminist plus is its complex female characters and focus on female friendships, including some great examples of female mentors and role models.  The mechanics of the setting are even tweaked to facilitate this - gone is the TV series’ lonely, competitive system that isolated girls from each other.  Instead, in present-day Kamihama, witches are so strong and plentiful that magical girls are better off forming teams to support one another.  

While this change arguably waters down some of the thematic weight of the original (in that this isolation was another example of how Kyuubey’s system is an easy metaphor for other oppressive systems), I find it a worthy trade-off.  Allowing for magical girl teams to exist results in much richer possibilities for interactions between characters, especially welcome in a sprawling game with far more narrative content than a one-season anime.

And the game takes good advantage of this - no two magical girl teams are exactly alike, both in terms of internal dynamics and how they interact with other teams.

Doppels

The main gimmick of the game’s story is the existence of “doppels” - a mechanic where a magical girl partially transforms into her own witch to unleash a powerful attack.  And from gameplay to story to art, doppels are excellent.  They look cool and they’re rewarding to unlock and use in game.  From a feminist perspective, I also love the idea of reclaiming witches, the “adult” form of magical girls, into a source of salvation and empowerment for girls* instead of a curse.  On a meta-level, it echoes a common magical girl trope of the character transforming into an older version of herself, while specifically to Madoka Magica, it’s a creative way to dismantle the misogynistic implications of Kyuubey’s system!

(*There are supposedly drawbacks to doppels, but that bit of setting mostly serves to make them a ~dangerous forbidden technique~ that shouldn’t be overused.)

Struggling against class prejudice

The tensions between different wards of Kamihama are a key component of the setting, and affect many character interactions.  One aspect the Magical Girl Stories are good at is showing how arbitrary and hurtful this discrimination is, and how difficult it is to overcome prejudice once it has become entrenched.  It’s made abundantly clear that Kamihama would be a better city without these attitudes - the question is, how to get there?

A variety of careers

Several girls make wishes or have backstories centered on what they want to do when they grow up.  What’s especially neat is that most girls ask for the opportunity to follow their passions, rather than having a talent magically granted to them - thus avoiding the pitfall of having a female character’s abilities originate from a power granted by a male character.

The range of career interests depicted isn’t as amazing as it could be  (In a cast of 80+, I would love to have more than three girls representing STEM), but there’s some decent variety.  Many girls aspire to take over their parents’ family business, for example.

And even some characters who follow more seemingly feminine careers (a model, a chef, an artist, etc.) have serious narratives centered on the skill and effort needed to succeed in those highly competitive fields, which is quite refreshing to see.

Mixed

The many different ways to be a girl

The nice thing about having a large cast of female characters is that it gives plenty of opportunities to show how all of these characters are different.  And in general, Magia Record does very well on this front!  One aspect I’ve particularly been enjoying is the how the cast has widely varying tastes in fiction.  Yes, there are girls who like dreamy romances, but there are also girls who bond over their shared love of a hotblooded shounen series!  

Where this falls down somewhat is an overuse of “but look, she has a secret feminine interest.”  Sometimes this plot can work, if coming at it from the angle that superficial judgments can be misleading, or that there’s nothing wrong with having feminine interests.  But when all the more masculine-presenting girls end up with a hidden fondness for stuffed animals, the sheer repetition becomes rather irksome.  It’s as though the game feels the need to insist “but look, she really is a girl!” because the audience wouldn’t believe it without such a trait.

LGBTQ+ characters

In terms of LGBTQ+ content, the game feels rather similar to the original anime and other Madoka spinoffs.  That is to say, there are tons of shippable f/f pairings that get teased, but as of the present, only one new playable character (and a tiny sample of minor characters) are explicitly confirmed to be lesbians.  No trans or otherwise queer characters either, unfortunately.  (Though of course that’s not to stop a good interpretation or headcanon!)

However, as a whole, the game is oddly averse to showing the characters in active, healthy relationships.  One of the early frustrations I had with the new character’s portrayal was that the game’s one mutual gay relationship was never directly shown on-screen and gets broken up in favor of more ambiguous teasing.  That being said, all the het relationships are treated similarly, either never being confessed and requited or never getting shown on screen.  So… I suppose there’s not actually a double standard here, but players hoping for lots of canon yuri content might end up a bit disappointed.

Also, a note on Homura specifically - this game’s version is “glasses Homura,” who hasn’t realized she’s in love with Madoka yet.  So despite what you might expect given Rebellion, in Magia Record there’s nothing beyond heavy hints and ambiguously cute scenes between her and Madoka.

Characters with disabilities

A few characters in the game have difficulty speaking.  It’s not made clear if this is a speech impediment or something like social anxiety (or autism - I know I’ve seen headcanons for that).  There is some depiction of these characters getting bullied, but in each case the character ultimately finds a group of friends who love and support them as they are.

After two years, now there is technically a magical girl who uses a wheelchair. (And it’s a cool custom wheelchair too!)  Unfortunately I hesitate to count this as a full positive, because shortly after she appears in it, the character becomes unable to transform and fight for an unrelated reason, so we haven’t seen her in battle since.  But who knows - the story’s still moving forward on the Japanese server, and there’s likely to be more content with her in the future.

At the end of the day, though, this is a setting with magic wishes and healing effects.  Thus, it’s very common for girls to wish to cure someone’s illness, or to use their abilities as a magical girl to cure themselves, which can easily fall into ableist tropes.

College age magical girls

Yes, really!  Although even the oldest characters are only nineteen.  However, there’s also a subplot about how two of the nineteen-year-olds are losing power because they’re older, which… hm. The message that we all need to accept passing the torch to the next generation is generally a valuable and good one.  Aiming it at older teen girls just on the verge of adulthood is where the implications nosedive into unfortunate.  Young girls already get far too many messages that their worth is entirely dependent on their youth/beauty/innocence and that it’s better to stay a “girl” than to be a fully grown “woman.”

The entire reason it’s exciting to see college age magical girls in the first place is that even now, it’s rare to see adult women as protagonists in these types of fantasy adventures.  By introducing these young adult characters only to caveat their inclusion with“they’re getting too old to be here”, it puts a very sour note on what’s otherwise a welcome expansion of the Madoka Magica universe.

(It’s also hilariously contradictory to other spin offs in the Madoka Magica franchise, including the implications of the anime canon itself, so… whoops?)

Bad

Lack of diversity

(Particularly racial diversity.)

The only non-Japanese magical girls are from the pre-existing Tart Magica spin-off set in medieval France… and Meiyui.  (And maybe Alina.)

Meiyui is a complicated case - her family has ties to both Japan and Hong Kong.  Meiyui herself is a fun character, but she also ticks a lot of the checkboxes for a Japanese stereotype of a Chinese person (a la Xiao Mei in Fullmetal Alchemist).  As a white person only familiar with US culture, it’s not my place to make a judgement call here, but I’d love to hear from someone who knows more!  

The largest disappointment, though, is in wondering what might have been.  The Madoka Magica anime implied that there are magical girls all over the globe from every different time and culture, so the game’s narrow focus on one modern Japanese city greatly limits the setting from its full potential.  And even within that limitation, the sheer homogeneity of the new cast is starting to get awkwardly same-y.  

The arc two’s logo teases what might be girls from several other backgrounds, though, so perhaps this will improve in the very near future.  Of course, success will depend on the writers’ abilities to handle other cultures.  Which, when given the example of Meiyui, might actually be cause for concern...

Revolutionary Girl Utena, this ain’t

In a game full of decent-to-good backstories, you’ll sometimes hit an unfortunate and very disappointing outlier.  

My personal least favorite is the victim-blaming one mentioned in the content warnings.  Another low point is a story where a girl frantically diets as a response to another girl’s comments about her weight.

Then there’s the backstory the above picture comes from.  It involves a girl who has to drop out of sports because her next school only has a boy’s team - and instead of challenging this situation, it’s the inspiration for her to discover she’s actually happier as a cheerleader anyway.  Hm.  

This last case is actually pretty emblematic of the game as a whole.  Whoever’s doing the writing (the credited scenario team is four people, and from the names at least two might be women?) mostly seems to mean well, but they occasionally step hard into the -isms that come from not actually thinking about the problems with the status quo.

So the game isn’t typically hateful, but it doesn’t push the envelope in any revolutionary directions either.  As a result - and it feels weird to say this, but - I really miss having Urobuchi as the writer.  Sure, his writing had its own problems, but in comparison, it was at least genuinely thought-provoking.  The way that even the adult female characters got complexity and screentime, that whole conversation between Sayaka and the misogynistic men on the train, the compelling exploration of consent and determination that underlies the whole anime – even six years later, these aspects hold up and stand out.

Magia Record is an inversion – far more pleasant on the surface, but without the backbone and depth that made the original so thematically intriguing despite all the suffering.

Next (Other Writing Aspects)->

[sleepyfan-blog]

New Friends?

Next installment of the confession series! first chapter here. Previous chapter here. AO3 link

warnings: deception, fighting

characters and pairing: dream sans, swap sans, swap papyrus, nightmare, dreammare

word count: 3,659

tagslist: @anxiety-is-married-to-depression @angelofthehalfmoon @trainwreck-of-skeletons @hisame-amadashi​ @therandomskelekey @capisnotonfire

Dream groaned a little as he stirred, his eye lights activating as he pushed himself up - realizing that he was sitting on a couch as he stared at the unfamiliar room he was sitting in. The positive spirit felt... He felt much stronger than he had since... Since Nightmare had consumed the apples and killed most of the villagers in an attempt to protect the both of them from their lethal intentions. He sensed a couple of people in the room off of the main one on the first floor of this place. He could see the checkered floor and slowly got up to his feet, startled by how much positivity he could feel in the area around him. It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, but... The beings that he could sense around him had a great deal more Hope in their auras than he had gotten used to sensing. Dream silently made his way over to the other room, noting that it was a kitchen.

The Sans was in the middle of making something - swiftly chopping up an onion as he continued to speak, "-and I know that our visitor is a little strange, but I'd like to talk to them before we pull any of the others here. We don't want to overwhelm them - you know what Ink can be like."

"That's true." A tall, sweater-clad Papyrus acknowledged, before countering, "But how many people can you name who can open portals between universes? And they had some of Nightmare's goop on their cape, and his magic all over them."

Both of the mortal skeleton's emotive auras were filled with concern, worry and uncertainty. Dream was unsure whether or not he should speak up and reveal himself to be awake... Or just slowly slink out of their house and go home. He shuddered a little as he remembered the awful thunderstorm that still might be rocking the castle, thoroughly embarrassed by his reaction... But... He'd always been afraid of thunder - and how awful his last memory with a thunderstorm had been, Dream really didn't want to go back until the storm had passed. He hoped that Nightmare would understand. The positive spirit walked back to the couch, deciding that he should probably call out - let them believe that he hadn't overheard their conversation. Dream was concerned that he might have found some of his other half's enemies... Then again, most people who spoke of Nightmare were rather terrified of him, unfortunately. He cleared his nonexistent throat and called out, "Uhm... He-Hello? Is someone here? Where... Where am I?" Those were all legitimate questions he had.

The Sans immediately teleported over, his eye lights bright, cheerful stars as he exclaimed exuberantly, offering the other one of his hands, "Hello! I am the Magnificent Sans, although other travelers have called me Blue or Blueberry - call me whatever you like. I also use he/him pronouns. What about you, friend?" He was beaming brightly, and the other's aura was filled with curiosity and a bit of concern.

"It's wonderful to meet you, Sans the magnificent." Dream greeted with a small smile as he shook one of the other's hands firmly "My name is Dream, guardian of positivity. I use male pronouns as well."

Blue blinked at him once, the curiosity in the other's aura increasing. "What do you mean by guardian of positivity? You looked like you were moving in a really big hurry before you face planted in the snow. Oh! And you're in my and my brother's home, in Snowdin."

The positive spirit had been told what the history of the alternate worlds that Nightmare had visited were - and many of them followed several core themes - the humans and monsters had a war that the monsters lost, who were then trapped by a powerful magical soul that required the magical equivalent of seven human mages' souls to unseal, which was too much for said monsters to overcome themselves. Which is why he didn't pester the other with questions about what exactly he meant by Snowdin. It was unfortunate that either the final human to fall underground had yet to come... Or that they were toying with their time-travelling powers, finding it to be a game of sorts to learn about the monsters through doing varying different actions. He hoped it wasn't the latter...

Though Killer and Dust had suffered awfully at the hands of cruel and capricious humans until they'd snapped and destroyed them, trapped in the empty remains of their timelines until Nightmare rescued them. He was... Unsure if he should explain. "I... I am... That's kind of difficult to explain. But I can create positive feelings within other people around me - I can't not, actually. I try to help my other half to keep the emotive balance of the multiverse. I've only recently broken free of the stasis spell that kept me bound for centuries, but the two of us are doing our best to bring peace and prosperity to the multiverse, one AU or Timeline at a time." He answered earnestly, smiling sweetly up at Blue as he spoke. "... From what I've gathered, my mate was rather... harsh with the timelines he had contact with before I woke up. But I've been encouraging him to be more merciful. It's... It's a work in progress, but I really think that it's going well."

The Papyrus asked, leaning against the door frame and tilting his head curiously at him. "Who's this mate of yours? And... You don't have to answer this question if you don't want to, it is kind of personal... Why were you put in a stasis spell?"

"I... He... He is the guardian of Negativity... As for how... I... He'd just gained a lot of power, and I refused to give him the final Positive Apple, consuming it instead, so that there would be at least some positive feelings left in the multiverse... He... He was lost in his base instincts and lashed out at me, trapping me in the stasis spell. B-But he didn't mean to do that! He's apologized for hurting and trapping me." Dream explained quickly, before going quiet. His eye lights widened a little as he sensed their intense distress, anger and uncertainty. He probably shouldn't have said all of that. Nightmare had mentioned that he had dangerous enemies - there were the rebels in some of the timelines that he was helping who disliked having a stranger coming out of nowhere and daring to tell them what to do in exchange for their freedom and/or resources that they needed in order to thrive well. Time to change topics! "How long was I passed out on your couch? Oh, and I've been really rude to you. Uhm, what's your name?" He glanced at the Papyrus curiously, hopeful that he would be able to deflect the topic.

"... What's your mate's name?" The Papyrus pressed, frowning a little at him, his arms folded over his chest "And... I'm not sure that being turned to stone is just something that a simple apology can fix. At least it sure as hell wouldn't for me... I'm Papyrus, though I've also been called Stretch or Honey."

Blue frowned a little at his brother, glaring at him a little bit. "Surely if someone truly meant it when they apologized, they should be forgiven... Oh! You've only been sleeping on the couch for about ten minutes. From how low your MP was, I thought that you'd be asleep for hours."

"There are some things that are unforgivable, Sans." Stretch glowered, shifting a little and huffing. "But I know that you will disagree with me on this, so I don't think we should get into that particular argument again."

Dream was pretty sure that there was a story behind that one - especially from the way that both of the brothers were glaring at one another. The tension was really thick between the two of them, so he spoke up quietly, "Oh, in a place like this, I bounce back pretty quickly, haha..." It's nice to be in a place where there are this many positive feelings in the world around him. He's a great deal more energetic than he's been in months.

"What do you mean by that? Also... Are you okay? You looked really distressed when you first appeared through the portal." Blue asked curiously, concern eclipsing the other's irritation at the odd dig at forgiveness from Stretch.

"I... I gather energy from the positive feelings of others, so the more upbeat people are around me - and not just immediately around me, but in the portion of the world I am in, the more quickly I regain MP, and the more energy I have to use before I need to eat or sleep." Dream explained with a bright smile. "And yeah, I-I'm fine. It's just... There was a really bad thunderstorm going on in my AU and I... I r-really... I'm afraid of thunder..." Dream admitted shyly, a light blush appearing on his face as he glanced away from both of the brothers, feeling silly. "... Some really bad things happened the last time I was in a thunderstorm and the... Th-The panic and fear caused me to run away..." He probably should go back home but... There was every chance that the thunderstorm was still going on and... Dream shuddered a little. He doubted that he would react any better now to the thunderstorm than he had a little over ten minutes ago.

"Thunder... Wait! Does that mean you're from a... A surface AU?" Blue murmured, his eye lights widening a little before turning into stars, an eager grin appearing on his face. Such worlds were relatively rare, at least from what he had encountered as a battle-companion of Ink's.

"Yes, and as far as I know, there was never a monster-human war in my timeline. Then again, I've heard much about the power that Determined Humans have in other worlds, which is so strange to me, as even the most powerful Determination Mage was unable to turn back time in that AU, and that still holds true." Dream murmured quietly, tilting his head a little. Then again, he and Nightmare were the most powerful magical beings - human or monster - in their AU... And that seemed to hold true in the worlds that Nightmare had visited. Then again, neither of them were human nor monster, though their physical forms were skeletal in nature. Dream had asked Nightmare if there were other guardians - but his beloved had gotten a strange look in his eyes and refused to answer.

"I... Okay. There's a lot to unpack in what you just said... Do you think that your presence here prohibits any determined humans from Resetting this timeline?" Stretch asked, shifting a little bit closer to him, fascination, surprise and a quiet sort of desperation in his magical aura that caused Dream to frown a little in concern.

"Brother... They promised not to do so again, and they've been trying really hard to be good! I know that they can make it this time." Blue responded, though he too was curious and hopeful.

"I don't know - but Moonbeam's fought Determined humans in the past - had their soul in his hand, even as they tried to reset, and they were unable to do so in his presence. He's stronger than I am, though." Dream answered as honestly as he could, choosing to use one of the nicknames he had for his beloved, rather than calling the other by his true name. Part of him was worried that he might have accidentally found some of his beloved's enemies who weren't part of the other's empire... And calling him Moonbeam made Nightmare sputter a little and blush cutely, so that's what Dream was going to go with. At least until he figured out if they were friends or foes.

“Moonbeam, who is that?” Honey asked curiously, tilting his head a little at the positive spirit as he continued to observe Dream closely.

“Hmm? Oh, He's my mate.” Dream explained with a smile.

“Awww…. Did you know that your eye lights turn into little hearts briefly when you mention your mate? It's really sweet.” Blue pointed, his own eye lights turning into excited stars, his hands coming up to his mouth as he beamed happily at the positive guardian.

"Hey... Blue, I really think that Dream should probably meet Ink - I mean... Ink is the guardian of the AUs - I'm sure that they should talk for a bit... Unless - Have you and your mate already met him? He's a pretty unforgettable guy." Stretch suggested, a small smile on his face.

Dream shook his head, and answered honestly, "I've never heard of Ink before... But this is the first time I've ever left my home timeline. I've known that I've been capable of it for months now, I just... haven't." He'd very much wanted to explore the worlds - ideally with Nightmare at his side, but the other had wanted him to wait until he was back at full strength in order to do so... And when the negative guardian had some time to do so, as Dream was well aware of just how busy Nightmare was.

"Oh? Is there a particular reason why you haven't left before? Or were you just not in the mood?" Stretch questioned, the easygoing smile still on his face, though there was suspicion in the other's emotional aura.

The positive guardian hesitated for a moment before answering honestly, "I've been trying to catch up on everything that's happened in the three hundred or so years I was trapped in a stasis spell. N-Moonbeam's been very busy while I was stuck and I've been learning what he's been up to!" Dream nearly called Nightmare by his true name, but managed to hold off from doing so as he still was unsure as to whether or not these people were allies, enemies or were unknowing of who his mate was. From what he had gathered, Nightmare had hidden information about who Dream had been while he'd been trapped as a statue, in order to protect him when he was in an incredibly vulnerable state.

"I... I'm not sure, Paps." Blue responded with a small sigh. "Ink's usually quite busy..."

"Awh... You can at least text him? I'm sure that Dream'll be here for the next couple of hours at least - or however long that thunderstorm in his home timeline's supposed to last. I don't mind having someone crashing on the couch for a while. It wouldn't be the first time." Stretch pointed out, still smiling a little. "... Also were you able to tell your mate that you were going to be headed out, or did the sound from the thunder startle you too badly? You should probably call or text him to tell him that you're safe, but out of the universe."

Dream nodded, checking his pockets for the phone that Nightmare had given him recently, hoping that he hadn't forgotten the fascinating little device. The ringtone that he'd spent time picking out for Nightmare started to play... In the couch? Dream carefully pulled up one of the cushions and sure enough, there it was. He told the pair of mortals, "Moon's calling me... I'll take this outside."

He grabbed his phone and walked outside, noting the monsters milling about and making his way to the back of Blue and Stretch's house. Dream answered as soon as he was out of sight of everyone. "Hey Nighty..."

"Dream, where are you?" Nightmare asked, his voice tense and concerned.

Dream could hear a distant, if muffled rumble of thunder and shivered a little as he answered honestly, "I'm in an Underswap AU... I've been talking to the Sans and Papyrus for a little bit. They're really nice! I... I'm sorry for vanishing suddenly... I-I just..."

"You're afraid of thunder." The negative spirit sighed, completing Dream's sentence before he could say it. "I know. I was trying to reach you as soon as I heard the first rumble... But you were moving too quickly and you vanished before I could try to calm you down a little. I've been texting you the whole time... I was worried that you might have forgotten your phone."

"I... Sorry. I don't know why I didn't hear my phone go off. Then again, I woke up not too long ago. Apparently I passed out in the snow in Snowdin, but I'm feeling a lot better now... I-I just... I don't know how I'll react if I try to go home before the storm's over." Dream admitted quietly, shaking a little as he heard another muffled rumble of thunder, and quietly hating the fact that the loud sound was still able to affect him so much. He shoved away the awful memories the sound was bringing up. Things were better now. Nightmare had apologized for attacking him after he'd lost control of himself due to the Negative apples that he'd desperately consumed in order to protect them both.

"... Do the Sans and Papyrus have nicknames that they use when dealing with travelers from outside their world,  or were they taken by surprise at your appearance?" Nightmare asked, his voice neutral - but kind of like he was trying to make himself stay calm.

"The Sans also called himself Blue and Blueberry, and the Papyrus said he's also called Honey and Stretch! Also they mentioned another guardian, by the name of Ink?" Dream answered earnestly. "Do you know who that is?"

Nightmare growled a little at the name and responded, "I need you to go to the giant set of purple doors at the far end of the snowy section of the underground - Hatchet will be waiting for you there. Ink, Blue and Stretch are rather dangerous enemies of mine, and I do not know what they will do if they find out just how dear and precious you are to me, or if they get even so much as a hint of that."

Alarm shot through Dream at the other’s words and he nodded a little before realizing that the other wouldn’t be able to see him do that, and answered verbally. “Of course! Wh-what about once I get to Hatchet?”

“He’ll show you the coordinates to a safe AU for you to head to and stay until the storm passes. I'll come and get you.” Nightmare responded, voice warm and gentle. “I wish I could be with you right now, but…”

“You mentioned that you had to meet with several AU leaders today.” Dream finished quietly, understanding that the other was really busy “I hope that I didn't make too much of a scene…” He was already starting to move through the small town as he talked to his other half. Part of him felt guilty about just vanishing on Blue and Stretch, but Nightmare said they were enemies. The younger man wasn't going to allow himself to be used against the other if he could at all help it.

“No, I was able to smooth things over with them fairly easily.” Nightmare reassured him. “... And I would rather you stay on the phone until you get to Hatchet, but the trek through the forest outside of Snowdin can be long. Also there are sentries posted at regular intervals for humans, so watch out.”

“Okay, I should be able to sense them before they detect me,  but I'll be careful.” Dream promised, a small smile on his face. He could just tell them that one of his mate's friends had arrived in the AU and the two of them would be on their way- as far as he could tell, they were unaware that he even knew Nightmare… But one or both of them might insist on meeting his mate's friend... Or they would be offended that he'd not taking their offer of hospitality as he wouldn't want to inform him that he was saying no because Nightmare was an enemy of theirs as that was just asking for trouble - which Dream did his best not to try to do if he could at all help it. "I'll text you as soon as I reach Hatchet, alright?"

"I... That sounds reasonable." Nightmare answered after a moment, relief obvious to Dream in the other's voice. "I love you darling. Stay safe. I'll talk to you as soon as I can."

Guilt tugged at his soul, and Dream started to move a little bit faster, doing his best to stay out of the main road through town as he answered quietly, "I love you too, Nightmare. I... I-I can try to come home..."

"No, the storm's getting a lot worse, and while the enchantments on the castle will ensure that everyone and everything within will be protected from the elements... The sounds of the storm raging around the place will continue to be heard and I... I don't want to feel your distress and terror when there's another answer," the negative guardian answered immediately and firmly. "Get to Hatchet as soon as you can, and I'll come by when I can - either after the storm has passed, or once I've finished my duties for the day. Whichever comes first."

"I... Okay. See you soon, I hope!" Dream responded, hearing the other end the call before starting to run at a pace that he could keep up for hours if he needed, glancing around to make sure that no one was following him before he finished getting through snowdin. He stopped at the very rickety looking bridge, staring at the far side and teleporting to the other side of it and continuing to jog quickly. He hid in a snow poff as a large, armored monster went lumbering past him, and he teleported to the other side of the clearing, running for a while and dodging from one of bit of cover to the next, as he could sense the occasional monster wandering through the forest.

[sirikyu]

Sun and Moon and character dynamics - a.k.a Ash’s unbelievably many varied types of friendships in this series like holy s

sit down friend, i am about to ramble on about sun & moon’s brilliance in its character writing. i center this mostly around ash because he’s my fave. i love all of them but i have biases from my childhood and i tend to gravitate towards main charact- i mean anyway here we go. (warning: gettin a bit personal but not in a negative way)

one of my many fave things about sun and moon are the characters. the entire main crew of classmates are all different and fun in the own individual ways and they all manage to hold an episode very well, even though they rarely have to do that (and that’s good, because it’s a story about friends and support and family!! never put them alone to deal with a new, scary situation tbh, that’s too dark for me). everyone in the main cast have all managed as the emotional core of the episode, not necessarily because they are all very likeable, which definitely isn’t necessary for good storytelling, but i’d argue that it’s valuable especially in children’s tv, showing good people making mistakes and showing how far a supportive environment goes to help them over that. every individual dynamic between ash and another member of the sumo team is so unique to each other. ash isn’t at the forefront of everything, he’s not “the” main protagonist, and he isn’t what makes this series compelling, but he IS an excellent tether between this group of friends to me, personally, and i think this show has a lot of new ash content i haven’t gotten in many, many series run (ash is great, alright? you guys are just mean.)

im especially glad of sophocles’ and ash’s friendship because their complementary differences are in such a good balance, and i have such a soft spot for sophocles. sophocles is smart and not-sporty, but he isn’t a know-it-all stereotype. i was afraid there would inevitably be a fat joke or nerdy joke, but i don’t remember seeing anything too demeaning or harmful in the light tone they handle sophocles’ nerdiness and roundness. i still remember watching the very early episode where ash and sophocles are still getting to know each other and they get stuck in the mall. even before all the fun character beats as they scramble in the dark (and get short with each other) in that episode, i remember with GREAT fondness when sophocles was very hesitant to admit he’s in the mall to indulge in ice cream. he’s shy about his sweet tooth! i found the excecution very delicate and sweet (pardon the pun), because i don’t think i’ve related in that specific way to a character before in a show? because being fat means that there is an awkwardness and hyperawareness whenever you so much as think about stepping into the candy aisle, and sophocles not wanting to admit to his new classmate-soon-to-be-friend that he’s indulging was, deliberately written that way or not, very real. (not to be a sophocles stan, but he’s a good kid and deserves everything good since episode 1).

but i digress. sophocles steps in to teach his classmates sometimes because he loves learning. he rarely acts condescending to his friends. be the everyman in some crazy situations ash and others get into sometimes (that shrinking episode?? it’s still one of my favourites mostly because of the group of characters they chose for the main conflict. the daredevil pokemon loving duo that is lillie and ash vs. sophocles’ anxiety about the hectic and kinda perilous situation!! it was hilarious). sophocles, to me, seems to value ash’s friendship for similiar reasons clemont used to, in XY. it seems more warm and mutual in this series, thanks to ash’s characterisation. sophocles saves ash in several occasions, which, just! hello!! is the best thing and i love that all these kids are heroes and worthy of admiration. they also remain good. theyre all good. all rangers are equally important. they’re all amazing. okay? alright.

its heartwarming and supportive. they also are like, bonded through their main pokemon being electric mice. isn’t that the cutest?

ash and kiawe on the other hand, they’re a powerhouse couple that egg each other on. they push each other forward and have similiar sense of drive towards pokemon and battles. ever since kiawe gave hint that he battles he found common ground with ash. also he’s such a goofball who gets SUPER emotional about so many things (his sister!! mountains!! determined people!! so many things! he cries openly!) even though he comes across as serious at first, which kind of gives us a character with some similiar traits to ash but who couldn’t ever be mistaken for ash’s personality. they both get fired up in tandem about competing, but they also come from very different lives and backgrounds. I don’t ever think to compare their dynamic to anything else, they’re really unique! they are also mutually supportive, but it has a distinct flavor compared to sophocles and ash. maybe kiawe is a little bit more relatable to ash because of their similiar interest in battling and competing?

ash and lillie are super lovely and i like that lillie has her own story that ash is driven to help her with. and they are similiar in their excitement about pokemon (and yet, in a wholly different way than ash and kiawe are?? lillie has great drive in wanting to help pokemon with knowledge and books, because a hands-on approah wasn’t possible to her in so long, but i think when sophocles learns about stuff, it’s his studious nature and interest in tiny details.) and self-sacrificing hero-type stuff. we got to see lillie fulfill her potential after she figured out her way through her trauma, and we could see that out of her shell, lillie and ash are super similiar, AGAIN in a different way from the others, but never in a less important way. lillie is just a ray of sunshine. she also knows he limitations and works toward overcoming them. her and ash’s frienship comes from going through some very important and life-changing things together. i think ash really wanted lillie to be able to touch pokemon because it’s important to him and it clearly used to be to lillie, which he realises when he sees her old photos.

ash and mallow have this very sweet and family-oriented sibling relationship. they’re not often paired up but i think the times they are, they remind me of my sister and me, which is such a big part of my love for mallow, even if she doesn’t get imo enough spotlight in the big plots. on the other hand, her personal journeys within her own family are so good i cannot be mad at anything. she guides, she’s patient, she’s enhusiastic in a similiar way to ash, but has a more level head. but she also eggs her friends on with her boundless energy. the more i think about her, the more i love her. mallow is awesome!! not least of all, she has such good relationships toward her female classmates. she’s nosy and protective, but not in a smothering way. she’s very supportive and very good at it. (the episode with the mom? killed me.) the way she takes care of her peers in the school is amazing.

ash and lana are both adventurous, i think they really like to get in trouble together lol. lana is also strong and they both ooze main character material with the way they have with pokemon in the wild. it’s awesome. i kind of feel like these two could use a more emotional episode together, but i think i’ll have plenty to be emotional about when this crew parts ways :(((

i made myself sad, but i can confidently say that this show has the most unique and varied and developed set of characters and character dynamics of all pokemon, in a cast this size. the fact that they’re good friends and have none of that bordering-on-mean banter from any of the previous seasons is in fact, a big bonus for me. i love this class, i wish i could hang out in alola indefinitely.

[agameoftragedy]

Writing (and being) people with mental difficulties

I’ve been thinking about this for a while and I don’t know how well I’m going to be able to express it, given that that’s part of the whole problem. I myself have developed what seems to be increasing mental difficulties, which makes it harder to explain what you experience to people who don’t know or see.

One of the first things to qualify is that naturally everyone’s experiences will be slightly different anyway; the brain is even more complex than the body and there’s still aspects to it that we don’t understand, but you can certainly read about examples of people who have obviously sustained brain damage to a specific area of the brain and the repercussions of that depending on the area. But, when it’s not so apparent what area is struggling or affected, or if it seems to be somewhat all-encompassing...!

The other thing is, I myself don’t know how you would write somebody who has had severe learning difficulties from birth (Lollys Stokeworth from ASOIAF for example) in the first person. Again, part of why this can be so difficult is because if (some parts of) the brain are that bad it can render you incapable of explaining your experiences to other people in a way they can understand. And if they can’t tell us, it’s left to everyone else to imagine (and make mistakes).

So, bit of background on me, I used to be shy but pretty cogent even face-to-face, and was generally good at expressing myself. I was top of my class in several subjects as a kid (and then went to a school for ‘smarter’ kids as a teenager so I wasn’t so special), went to uni, etc. It’s not 100% clear what’s gone wrong with my body since my early 20s, but it’s certainly neurological as well as physical, and honestly the neurological problems I have are way more troublesome than the pain and physical fatigue. They can’t seem to pin down the problem, but when I had MRI/CT of my head a couple years ago there was apparently nothing evident (though those don’t show everything...).

So, down to business:

- My brain is crap. Now, I know this, because I have also experienced my brain working how it used to, and now it is complete trash in comparison. If you are or are writing somebody who has had trouble from birth, they may not have any such feelings because they don’t know how it feels to have a brain that works differently anyway, except perhaps observing that other people can do things they couldn’t.

- How bad a problem this is varies massively. I was very cerebral and that was used a lot in my hobbies, so it prevents me doing things I love(d). If your character wasn’t like that anyway, it may not bother them as much. If your character has always been this way, everything they do probably already fits with their abilities. It can also literally vary from day to day, one day you’re kinda forgetful and the next you can barely string a sentence together, good days and bad days.

- You still have a personality. In fact, this is probably part of what is interesting, the way personality filters through these problems. Sometimes it can actually make you differentiate yourself more - I was quite shy and reserved, keep my thoughts to myself, but my emotional regulation is faultier now and I’m more likely to just say the thing and/or show how I’m feeling. I like to think I’m nice, and it means I get cuddlier and compliment people, but if your character was an asshole under wraps they could now be more overt about it (or contrast with another character who’s just as bad but covers it up).

- It can mess with your moods. I used to be prone to anxiety, constantly caught up in my thoughts, but that’s often way too much work for my brain now and I find myself more able to just like look at some pretty flowers like ‘ooooh’ with nothing more going on underneath, so I can be kind of happier. On the other hand though...

- It depends on your environment and how you’re treated. Because I’m struggling enough as it is, I’m prone to frustration of anything making my life any harder. I can be happy as a clam in my own little environment I’ve developed, but when you go out into a generally unaccommodating and judgemental world, it makes everything harder. It would be presumptuous to say that it’s worse, but I know I especially suffer as somebody who knows how things could be, because I remember that I used to be able to do these things and I also know how some able people talk and think about (mentally) disabled people when they’re not around.

- If you haven’t always been like this, adjusting is hard, especially if you can remember before (and have a questionable short term memory). To start with it’s hard to remember that you might struggle to do something (because you used to be able to), and then it’s hard to deal with the emotional pain of realising how bad you are in comparison (especially if you have little to no hope of regaining that ability).

- People can be shit and it’s hard to help that. This can often include doctors. In my experience it’s a little like being a child again; I know my judgement can be iffy at times now and I kind of need somebody keeping an eye on me, but it’s trying to get a balance between that and people ignoring and dismissing what you want and say entirely (assuming you can even express it adequately). You can keep your autonomy if you don’t admit you have this problem, but that leaves you in potential danger (from yourself) and gets you no help at all. For me I luckily have a couple of very understanding and supportive people in my life, but without those... I have deep concerns for people, as with neurodivergent kids whose parents don’t take their issues seriously.

- Trouble ‘thinking’ may well not be your only issue. I get a lot of headaches, and ‘episodes’ (there is a lot of discourse over whether they count as seizures) where basically I collapse and can’t move but am still conscious, ocular migraines, tinnitus... You can sprinkle various neurological symptoms really, depending on how a character acquired their difficulties.

- Comparing adult people with difficulties to children is controversial, though I can see some similarities at times in cases like mine. I’d certainly say that if somebody acquired their difficulties as an adult, I’d avoid this - if they were a sexual person before there’s probably still some level of that, they probably don’t insta-child, and there’ll probably be times where they still feel like they’re basically the person they were (until reminded of what’s changed when they try too much).

~~~~~~~~~~~~

This post is unfinished but I’m honestly not certain if I’ll be able to do so. I seizured at this point and have no idea what else I was going to say when I was writing it. If anyone else has input or questions, I’ll receive them happily.

[cherry-valentine]

Spring 2019 Anime Season

Here’s what I’m watching: Gunjou no Magmel is definitely my favorite new show of the season. It has a fun setup that lends itself well to lots of different stories: a mysterious new continent suddenly appears one day, full of new animal and plant life and inspiring people across the globe to explore it. Of course, the place is incredibly dangerous, which is why many people work as professional “rescuers” hired to go and retrieve those who have been lost or trapped in the new continent. The protagonists of the series are a pair of rescuers: the highly skilled and unflappable Inyou and his tech genius sidekick Zero (who doesn’t physically go to the continent but instead controls a drone). Right away the series provokes a feeling of adventure that reminded me somewhat of One Piece. The new continent, known as Magmel, is beautiful and teeming with life. The series wisely presents it in a neutral light. There are dangerous creatures there, definitely, with some seriously horrific body horror imagery (much of it veering into nightmare fuel territory), but the series is quite clear about the fact that these creatures are just behaving naturally. There’s no malice there. In fact, the only truly malicious and cruel actions are performed by the humans who go to Magmel to take advantage of the creatures there for their own profit. Inyou understands this, and is generally sympathetic to the animal and plant life, while still prioritizing the preservation of human life. It’s an interesting balance. It’s also interesting that a show with the above mentioned body horror and nightmare fuel is presented with bright, cheerful, cartoony art and peppy, upbeat music. This is an adventure series, not horror, and sometimes there’s even a degree of beauty in the terrors seen in the mostly standalone episodes. The two leads, Inyou and Zero, are entertaining and have a fun dynamic between them. They act more like family than anything else, with no romantic tension at all so far (and I hope it stays that way). Currently sitting at the top of my watch list.

Ace of the Diamond Act 2 is the sequel series I’ve been looking forward to. The original series was a favorite of mine, with a fairly realistic portrayal of baseball and a team of fun, quirky characters, including Miyuki, the only character that springs to mind when I think of the term, “husbando”. He’s a fan-favorite and incredibly popular for a reason. He’s sharp-witted, the most skilled player on the team, and also has a rather twisted sense of humor (he’s the kind of guy who, upon realizing a new member of the team doesn’t like him, is totally delighted and thinks of how fun that’s going to be). Miyuki gushing aside, the show has great art that rarely goes off-model and somewhat smooth animation. The music so far is okay, nothing special (the opening and ending themes were hit and miss in the original series as well). Main character Sawamura is still annoying (like Asta in Black Clover, he tends to scream rather than speak) but his underdog status and genuine love of the sport and his team make him endearing enough to overlook his negative traits. My only real gripe with the show is its tendency to recap that last several minutes of the previous episode in each new episode, making you wait quite a while to get to the new content. This would be a much bigger deal in marathon viewing, but on a weekly basis, I can deal with it.

Hitoribocchi no Marumaruseikatsu is a cute series about cute girls doing cute things. This is a genre I’m generally not fond of, mainly because the girls in these types of shows tend to be sexualized in a creepy way and their “cute antics” tend to be banal and annoying. In this show, however, neither of those two problems are present. In fact, if the show had a male love interest, it would feel very shoujo to me. The focus of the story is on a shy girl with severe social anxiety trying to make friends in her new school. She’s a bit awkward but cute and earnest, so watching her attempt to talk to strangers is funny but also heartwarming. The small circle of friends that begins to form around her is made up of equally cute and funny girls, each of whom have distinct personalities and character designs. Surprisingly, considering this is based on a manga aimed at male readers, none of the girls seem specifically designed to appeal to a male audience. They come across as genuine, well developed characters. The art and music are cute, but not very notable. My only complaint is the subplot involving a young teacher who takes one look at the blonde, tanned Nako and immediately judges her as a juvenile delinquent and is thus afraid of her. It’s meant to be funny, I suppose, but I find it annoying that a teacher would be so judgmental, especially considering Nako is a quiet, well-behaved student who gives absolutely no indication that she’s a delinquent. Ah well, it’s a relatively minor subplot so I can overlook it.

Bungo Stray Dogs Season 3 was hotly anticipated after a strong season two and the amazing Dead Apple movie. Following a group of supernaturally “gifted” members of a detective agency and their conflicts with other “gifted” groups (including the ruthless Port Mafia), this show is one of the best series of the past several years. It has a bit of Durarara!!’s cool vibe and style, but with a more straightforward story. This is a series that handles all of its various story elements very well, from the action scenes to the heartfelt moments to the comedy, and looks great doing it. I still prefer the comedy and characterization of season one, but only because they were done SO well. The more serious, plot-driven arcs of late are still fantastic. The music is great too, with my favorite opening theme of the season (and there were some outstanding ones this season, so that’s saying something). 

Kimetsu no Yaiba might just be my second favorite new series. Every season has a new show that gets a lot of hype, and in my experience around half of those shows actually live up to that hype. This show is definitely in that good half. With fluid animation, excellent music, and an interesting setup (a young boy’s family is slaughtered by demons, leaving only one sister behind who has become a demon herself, so he trains to become a demon slayer and find a way to turn her back into a human), this series seems primed to become a hit. The protagonist, Tanjirou, is a fairly standard kind-hearted hero training to join a group and accomplish his goal. The series doesn’t tread a lot of new ground in that respect, but it does everything so well that it’s easy to forgive it for not being the most original story. The most interesting aspect is the sister, Nezuko, who instead of being a delicate young flower for him to constantly protect is a demon herself who, in an early scene, literally kicks another demon’s head clean off. She’s a powerful ally in battle, which is refreshing. The other characters haven’t had much screen time yet, but seem fun so far. Overall, it’s a very well-done, if somewhat unoriginal, show. Highly entertaining and high on my watch list.

Midnight Occult Civil Servants is much better than it seems at first glance. Protagonist Arata joins a particular group of civil servants that deal with mythological creatures called “Anothers”. They range from fairies to gods to Japanese-based creatures like Tengu (this mishmash of mythology actually reminds me of Shin Megami Tensei). Arata quickly realizes that he’s the only member of the team who can understand the languages used by the Anothers, and so he becomes a valuable tool when dealing with them. The show presents a variety of creatures with a variety of behaviors. Some Anothers are friendly to humans and mean no harm, while others are outright malicious. Others still are just indifferent. At first, it seems like the show is going to be about Arata clearing up misunderstandings that his fellow team members have about the Anothers, but then the show lets us know that not all Anothers are friendly, and being able to understand their words doesn’t mean Arata can understand their motivations or can do much to stop them from doing bad things. The episodes are often inspired by real life urban legends, and overall has an air of mystery. The art is fine, with interesting, varied character designs but animation that’s just okay. The music is above average though, with my favorite ending theme of the season. It’s not my favorite new show, but it has a secure spot on my watch list.

Attack on Titan Season 3 Part 2 really doesn’t need much of a write-up, since it’s just a continuation of a season that was delayed (and that I already wrote about). I’ll just keep it brief and say it’s still great, is finally getting into one of my favorite arcs from the manga, and has a gorgeous opening theme.

Mobile Suit Gundam Origin is the tv series version of an OVA that details the origins of one of the Gundam franchise’s most popular characters (and one of my all-time favorites): Char Aznable. I never watched the OVA (despite intending to for the longest time) so this is all new content for me. What I find most interesting is the visual style, which looks very much like the classic Gundam art style of the original late 70‘s tv series but with more modern, smooth animation and some CGI mixed in. There’s a strange awkwardness to the art style that feels oddly natural. It was present in the old tv series and it’s present here. It’s kind of hard to explain if you haven’t seen it yourself though. Art aside, the story is definitely interesting. While Char’s basic history had already been revealed years ago, we didn’t really know the details. Char is a complicated character, which explains his popularity several decades after his debut. He was ruthless, cold, and calculating even as a child, but he loved his family very deeply and was surprisingly emotional. There are also badass lady characters to enjoy (who also appeared in the original series - I’ve always found it interesting that a show made in 1979 had more complex, strong, and generally well-written female characters than more modern Gundam series like Wing, Seed/Seed Destiny, and Iron Blooded Orphans). The music is fantastic here, and it’s overall a very solid show. Now I wish they’d remake the original series with this kind of animation (and cut out some of the filler).

Shoumetsu Toshi is, honestly, at the bottom of my list. The animation quality is just okay, with questionable character design choices (for the first few episodes, there were two unrelated female characters with such strikingly similar designs that it was very confusing). The story is a bit of a muddled mess. It mostly follows a young girl who survived a bizarre event where a whole city full of people suddenly vanished (later dubbed “The Lost”), and the young man who has been hired to help her return after she receives a message from her father, who was one of the people that vanished, telling her to come back. The setup is actually very interesting and mysterious. The problem is that the series throws too many concepts and ideas at us way too quickly, and explains none of it. It might be because the show is based on a video game, and the writers assumed people watching the anime would be familiar with the game and its various elements. Already in the show we have time travel, undefined magical powers, totally different powers that allow people to summon the souls of the vanished victims to fight for them like Persona, shadowy organizations doing human experiments, fancy artifacts that grant even more abilities, phantom thieves, idol groups, hackers, detective agencies, and double agents that have infiltrated the police. There’s just way too much going on, and as a result, the core plot that was actually interesting gets crowded out and choked. I’m still watching because the show is still entertaining in a strange way, but it’s a shame that it wasted a lot of its potential.

Carry Over Shows From Previous Seasons: Black Clover

Best of Season: Best New Show: Gunjou no Magmel Best Opening Theme: Bungo Stray Dogs Season 3 Best Ending Theme: Midnight Occult Civil Servants Best New Male Character: Inyou (Gunjou no Magmel) Best New Female Character: Nako (Hitoribocchi no Marumaruseikatsu)

[intrusiveruminations]

Begin Again

I used to blog regularly when I was younger. It was pretty much the fad when I was in school anyway, what's with all the cool templates and linking to your friends' blog and being linked back in return. Social media was truly a different experience back then - no notifications, no instantaneous updates, no pictures or captions or stories; if you wanted to be nosy, you actually had to read a chunk of text. More than that, however, I learned how to express myself through words. In the first few years, my posts were generally a summary of my day. But as my thoughts matured (*cough*) and my writing became more profound (*cough cough*), I gradually began to post my reflections for the day, on "things", and finally, my own thoughts. Friends who read my blog regularly, especially in later years, had varying opinions on my writing, ranging from “depressing” (meh), to “mature” (really!), or “interesting” (could be worse). If I were to describe my own blog, it would be melancholic and introspective - words which I have also come to identify with over the years. I have since deleted that blog, partly because of long periods of inactivity, some level of mind rot, but mostly to minimise my internet footprint. I do have an archive of my blog though, mainly for sentimental reasons - almost 10 years of memories and thoughts! - but save for a few thought-provoking and still relatable posts, skimming through the rest of them made me cringe. But as a wise friend once said, if what you did in the past doesn't made you cringe now, you haven't matured as a person.

I kept a physical diary sometime in between as well. My writings in it were definitely a lot more personal than my blog. It was also more incoherent and disjointed, because at times I would just scribble down a few lines of words -oftentime not in prose - on my feelings or what was at the forefront on my mind. For that reason, that diary can certainly act as a case study in the writings of a mentally unwell patient, so I burned it as a symbolic gesture of leaving behind certain memories captured in the diary, as well as those parts of me reflected in words.

But, here I am, back again to write about my thoughts. What changed? I supposed, unlike the last time, the guise of anonymity liberates me to express thoughts and feelings publicly, admittedly in an attempt to find community too, but which I have never dared to in front of people I know. There are recurring themes in my introspections which I have come to identify, so writing them out can hopefully help to organise my thoughts and clear my mind. Most importantly, I could make a commentary about how the act of sitting down to write and reflect functions as a counterpoint to our hectic lifestyles and the juggling of our limited attention among all the stimuli around us, but that would be pretentious and disingenuous of me. What may be certain, is that as someone whom relishes in melodrama and obsessively imbues seemingly insignificant gestures with symbolic meaning in an attempt to be oh-so-mysterious-and-complex, such writings are a means to reflect upon my character growth in relation to arbitrary happenings in my life.

I really like the term 'intrusive thoughts'. I wished I could take credit for coming up with it, but it's an actual term used in psychology to describe involuntary unpleasant thoughts that are distressing and difficult to manage. Everybody experiences intrusive thoughts, but the crucial difference is that while many are able to cope with such thoughts, an inability to do so is strongly associated with psychopathology. The intrusive thoughts that I experience are particularly regular and intense, with common themes of worthlessness, loneliness, and suicidal ideation. Am I depressed? I don't think so - I have not been diagnosed before anyway - but I would probably check off several boxes with my low mood and other symptomatology. I do go through the occasional depressive episodes, so perhaps it is more dysthymia than clinical depression - but that is not the point. What I am more sure of is a certain degree of anxiety, where at its root is a speech impediment that has afflicted me for as long as I could remember talking. It is a perpetuating cycle, whereby my stutter makes me nervous to talk to people, which in turn worsens my stutter to the point that I become a stumbling mess. To complete the trio, an overwhelming inferiority complex to give rise to all the unhealthy thoughts. The tripartite that are my impairments produce in me an undercurrent of emotional turmoil which I have always struggled with. As one who is already predisposed to being reserved, opening up about such vulnerabilities - at the deepest core of my being - is just...unfathomable; I possess neither the courage and the strength to expose myself, nor the intimate relationship to safely confide in. I did lift the facade a few times when the stars were aligned, if only just for a quick glimpse inside and for a few thoughts to seep out, but it shut back on itself as efficiently to protect the host. More often than not, it is also difficult to acknowledge and confront such thoughts to yourself. I supposed, then, that my writings will be an attempt as well at coming to terms with my own disability/deficits/shortcomings/inadequacies/deficiencies.

I stutter, and these are the words that I cannot say.

[pride-vns-blog]

LGBTQ VN Week: Day Two! (6/19)

Welcome back for my second day of LGBTQ visual novel recommendations! If you didn’t check out my first post, I recommend at least skimming the "One note before we get started” section to get a handle on what this series of posts is. (And especially, as the case may be, what it isn’t.)

Today’s topic is “crafty creative design”, so I’ve pulled out Marccus’s Eldet, Geek Remix and ChicMonster’s Pairanormal, and Team Rumblebee’s Love Is Strange to talk about their development teams’ ambition (and ability to deliver), followed by a discussion with Boys Laugh+ about their 2017 NaNoRenO entry, //TODO: today!

Keep on reading to hear about treasure hunts with hot guys, mysterious twists and turns, power in reimagined narratives, and why taking time to look for brand-new visual novels you’ve never heard of before can be worth your while!

ELDET (MARCCUS)

Kickstarter Tagline: "A medieval fantasy themed visual novel with emphasis on LGBT characters and people of color.” Genre(s): Historical fantasy. Release Date: July 1st, 2017(?) (updated demo); TBA (full version). Content Warnings: Fantasy violence.

When it comes to aiming for new heights with visual novel storytelling and art, Marccus’s Eldet is one of the most standout examples of ambition — if it’s a possibility or a feature you could potentially implement, you’ll probably be able to find a mention of it somewhere in Marccus’s Eldet development updates on Kickstarter. They’re jam-packed with information about ways he’s exploring different ideas for interlocking narratives, replay value, or using the absolutely gorgeous art to its full potential. If the final version lives up to even a tenth of what Marccus has demonstrated working to include over the past two years, that ambition and drive to see things through as much as possible will almost definitely provide one hell of a visual novel.

Strictly looking at the demo alone, though, still provides a uniquely detailed experience where focus on trying out new things that suit the story is crystal-clear. The writing is sharp and captivating, with an interesting plot and gorgeous scenery that’s complimented by a smart use of animated effects. There have been more and more visual novels that have branched into the use of things like Live2D or animated sprites, but for me as a player, it’s been interesting to see how far use of effects like that can go before they just plain old start to be distracting. Idle animations or things like blinking and breathing can be charming, but the uncanny valley is very real and very easy to dive headlong into if you’re trying to include as many of those as possible.

So Eldet’s demo is noteworthy to me not just for trying out all of the visual effects it can manage, but even moreso for knowing by and large where to place those effects and varying sprites for the best possible impact. Characters are integrated into different backgrounds for special conversational scenes, or specific parts of event graphics glow, and none of it — to my eyes, at least — felt overused or poorly-executed. In fact, it all seemed especially suited to the fantasy genre Eldet is fitting itself into, with all of the pieces working together to create a world that feels alive and breathing. And it’s a world that seems well worth waiting for a final version of!

Eldet’s demo is available now on Kickstarter; you can also keep up with the final version’s progress on its development blog, or follow Marccus on Twitter and Patreon (18+).

PAIRANORMAL (GEEK REMIX, CHICMONSTER)

Itchio Tagline: "Love is a mystery and so are ghosts.” Genre(s): Mystery, romance.  Release Date: April 1st, 2018 (Chapter 1); TBA (Chapters 2+). Content Warnings: Glitches and static (can be turned off); jumpscares.

There have been a couple "real person dating sim" visual novels in the past few years, but I've never really been all that interested in actually playing any of them; I can see the connection back to all those elaborate magazine quizzes about which celebrity you'd date, so I think they're interesting conceptually, but none of them have really pulled me in. I'm equally wary of the trend of Western visual novels from first-time developers that want to "subvert genre conventions" because of how many have fallen woefully flat of even understanding what that means beyond a very limited scope — I'm talking "oh, I don't really like or play any visual novels, the whole medium isn’t for me" visual novel developer commentary, here — so if an EVN promises a twist on a genre, or even if its players do, it's unfortunately a lot harder to sell me on it.

To my pleasant surprise, Pairanormal's demo sold me on both its "real person-inspired characters" aspects and its departure from the dating-based focus I'd been expecting into sharing space with another genre! I don't want to spoil anything about the plot, but upfront, the turn in the demo alone was a genuinely interesting look at a “blank protagonist” and well-served by being placed where it was. That’s to say nothing of the charming art style! Mechanically and visually, it's also one of the most interesting visual novels I've played; the character movement, the individual soundfonts, and the pacing of the dialogue all come together to work consistently well. (I love smartly-used soundfonts! Please give me all your VNs with good soundfonts!)

Even as someone who's watched a handful of YouTube playthroughs by two of the YouTubers being shown here, Mari and Stacey of Geek Remix, the writing in Pairanormal was sharp and fast-paced enough to actually make my brain draw a pretty easy divide between the real Mari and Stacey versus "Mari Sashimi" and "Stacey Croft". I'm sure there's plenty of rewarding jokes for their primary audience of a Geek Remix fanbase, too — but one of the strongest merits of Pairanormal for me as a player was the experience of having so little personal familiarity with most of the people these characters were based on and still finding the characters enjoyable, well-defined, and interesting.

Chapter 1 of Pairanormal is available now for free; you can also follow development of the coming chapters on Chicmonster’s Patreon, Twitter, and Itchio.

LOVE IS STRANGE (TEAM RUMBLEBEE)

Blog Tagline: "A fanwork based off of Life is Strange.” Genre(s): Slice of life, romance. Release Date: April 1st, 2016. Content Warnings: Drug use; underage drinking; mentions of severe bullying.

Do those characters and that title look familiar? If you’ve paid attention to the gaming scene at large in the past three years, you probably recognize the acronym "LiS” or Max Caulfield’s character design — Team Rumblebee’s 2016 debut project, Love is Strange, came to life as a Life is Strange (DONTNOD Entertainment) fanmade visual novel! In Love is Strange, set a year later after the original game in a completely different timeline, protagonist Max never gained her canonical magical powers and many of the tragedies that gripped Arcadia Bay never came to pass. Instead, she’s given a week to team up with one of her four love interests — Chloe, Kate, Rachel, or Victoria — and win a photography contest together.

There’s a lot to love about it beyond any connection you may or may not have to Life is Strange itself — everything, from the art to the music to the writing, pulls together seamlessly. But the biggest strength of Love is Strange as a fanwork, in my opinion, is the way it’s not trying to totally remove itself from the original canon tonally or trying too hard to conform to that tone without it seeming natural. Max’s character arc is reflective of some anxieties she’d had in the original story, which goes doubly for the explorations of her love interests’ arcs, but it’s fundamentally a different story where her priorities are different. Love is Strange loses what isn’t necessary or what doesn’t help the story — including the teacher-turned-[spoilers] from the original series, Mr. Jefferson — then fills in a lot of the blanks with the same charm and same compelling characters that captivated fans in the first place.

My favorite example here is Rachel Amber, one of the four routes but the lone one who never appeared in the text of the original Life is Strange itself, and a route that felt as wholly comprehensive as the rest. Love is Strange takes the perpetually absent, long-since-departed Rachel and recreates her from whole cloth, giving her a distinctive speech pattern, a history, and a set of beliefs that all work together as a perfect answer for the void around her character in the original text. She feels as real and authentic as the rest of the pitch-perfect cast, a character it’s difficult to imagine the original Life is Strange without. So in both enhancing the original text’s characterizations without ever losing its charm and standing alone as its own thoughtful, genuine F/F dating sim that is just as enjoyable without any fondness for the canon, Love is Strange easily cemented itself as one of my favorite visual novels — so strongly, in fact, that I’m still planning to cheer on Team Rumblebee’s individual and collective outputs for years to come.

Love is Strange is available now for free on the development blog. You can also follow Team Rumblebee on Twitter, Tumblr, and Itch.io to be the first to know if they decide to release anything next!

//TODO: TODAY (BOYS LAUGH PLUS)

Itchio Tagline: "A visual novel about figuring out life with the help of an AI.” Genre(s): Modern sci-fi. Release Date: March 31st, 2017 (Part 1); August 2018 (Part 2). Content Warnings: Depictions of severe depression.

Player personalization is one of the more tricky things for developers, largely in part because there’s no way to write something every player will be happy with; while some people prefer being able to insert themselves entirely into a protagonist with minimal predefined personality and more vague actions, so they can headcanon more easily, other audiences would rather explore specific situations with a smaller number responses that each more clearly reflect the defined protagonist’s personality. It’d be nearly impossible to please both of those groups at once — and there’s dozens of other, more specific takes that other players can have on visual novel protagonists!

As someone in the latter camp out of just those two examples, I thought //TODO: today’s handling of their protagonist Teal (plus their love interests Joyce and Phoenix) was right up my alley, so I reached out to Felix and Rohan of Boys Laugh+ to talk about their work on its story!

IVAN: Pleasure to be talking to you both today! Can you give me the elevator pitch of //TODO: today that you might give to an interested attendee at a con? You're both free to answer this if you'd like, haha.

FELIX: Sure, thanks for having us! //TODO: today is a slice of life visual novel about the aspiring artist Teal who already struggles to make ends meet but things get a little more complicated when an AI suddenly appears in their computer, with the intention to help Teal get their life back in order.

Perfectly put! (I like the phrasing of "aspiring artist Teal", haha, I feel like I'm reading their Twitter bio.) The gender/sexuality/pronoun options (and what I've seen of the dialogue variations) for the protagonist plus the romanceable characters are comprehensive, but never in a way that feels insincere or bland. I really feel like Teal's character — and that of both love interests — shines through strongly no matter what! What went into designing the personalization system as it currently exists, and why did you choose to include it in the first place?

ROHAN: Haha, yeah, Teal is the type who's a bit insecure about their art. So it's easier to say "aspiring artist" even though Teal has been drawing for a while. :'D Although our protagonist has their quirks and own background story we wanted the player to be able to identify with Teal. The player can choose to change Teal's name in the beginning of the game too. And the gender and sexuality options are based on this idea. :3

Back when we were developing the concept for //TODO: today in 2017, we had a close look at other recent VNs. And Date Nighto's Hustle Cat got us thinking about using "they" pronouns then. Hustle Cat's protagonist "Avery" has a gender-neutral design too. That got the ball rolling for us to think how we could make the typical romance situation in //TODO: today inclusive and enjoyable for queer people as well!^u^

FELIX: We also tried to keep the additional work for this fairly small. For the three main characters all pronouns and their variations are stored in variables. That makes it pretty easy to use the same base dialogue regardless of the characters' gender. But in addition to that, we used conditional statements to add some custom dialogue whenever it made sense. The romantic preferences are pretty much the same. They mainly decide the gender of the romanceable characters but there are a few moments where dialogue varies depending on the preferences the player chooses.

That also means that there are some things that people will miss if they don't make a specific selection of gender or romantic preferences but we wanted to make sure that those choices are also part of the characters and the writing and not purely cosmetic. All in all we tried to make the game as inclusive of LGBTQ identities as we could without making the scope unrealistically big for a two person team.

I think you definitely struck a good balance there! If I'm not mistaken, the two of you work in Ren'Py, right? What kind of Ren'Py limits or perks do you take into consideration when working to augment a story with more complex pieces of code other than dialogue variables, like deciding what your upcoming project Defaction's cellphone (?) can do? Anything you've unfortunately had to give up on? (And are there any lines of dialogue or features you're especially proud of including in //TODO: today?)

FELIX: Yeah, we're working in Ren'Py. I can't really think of any limits aside from smaller issues where different systems and languages intersect but there have definitely been a lot of perks! I really like Ren'Py's screen system which is where at least 80% of the work for the phone in Defaction happens.

The python integration is also really nice. In //TODO: today I barely used any python aside from if-statements and variables but being able use custom code pretty much anywhere in the script makes the engine really flexible!

As for feature decisions, so far we mainly based them on what we wanted to include from a narrative design standpoint and then tried to figure out how or if we would be able to implement them. I can't think of anything we had to cut for technical reasons so I think it worked out pretty well so far :'D

//TODO: today was the first bigger visual novel I worked on and aside from the gender and preference options for the characters, something I'm pretty proud of are the optional work and gaming scenes. They are pretty much the first piece of non-linear writing I ever did and it was a fun challenge to make sure they make sense regardless of what in-game day the player sees them on.

ROHAN: I think the most obvious feature we're proud of are the preference options we included, haha. We really wanted to take a few steps aside of the otome or exclusively hetero male-oriented genres out there. And to make the experience feel tailored to the player there are the dialogue features Felix has described before in combination with the visual designs of Joyce, the AI, and Phoenix, Teal's bookstore co-worker.

It's integrated into the story that Joyce has been made just for the Teal. Other AIs in the world would look different depending on their owners. That's why you get a feminine or masculine looking Joyce that match the player's preferences.

Of course there are limitations, I mean, we can't read the players mind to know what they like. And we couldn't include too many unique character sprites due to the scope. But I'm very happy about how the different designs turned out in the end. It was generally fun to visually design the game. Cute colours everywhere! >u<

On another note I think what really went well, too, was how AI Joyce behaves. We took some liberties with sci-fi magic, but Joyce is a being with their own set of characteristics, goals and values. They were made to serve, yet they're on eye-level with Teal and you get some funny situations out of it.

That's right, I'd completely forgotten that the work and art contest scenes weren't confined to the story's timeline on any specific dates — they definitely always felt like they matched up. And I'm so glad you brought up the designs, Rohan, that was actually my next question! The overall world design and character stylization of //TODO: today clearly had a considerable amount of care put into making sure they all meshed well and looked good individually! Can you talk a little bit about why you settled on the design aesthetic you did and what influenced //TODO: today's style or character designs? (Also, who are each of your favorite characters out of the cast, visually or personality-wise?)

ROHAN: Ah, well. First and foremost we were under a good amount of time-pressure during the NaNoRenO '17. Thus I had to decide for an artstyle that I could pull off for the game's assets to be produced in time. There's no complicated shading, not too much intriciate line-work. It was also the first time for me to create art for a visual novel. I was mostly a concept artist before. So I wanted to play it safe. That's one part of the story at least.

The other thing was that by the end of 2016 a lot of artists have emerged online who experimented with reduced palettes, pastel tones and comic and anime inspired shading. I was really intrigued by the charm of this combination. I wanted to make myself feel okay that although I'm a guy I can express myself in shades of pink, haha. This kind of aesthetic also matches the overall cute but realistic story of //TODO: today. I wanted the reality of the game to feel like our world but with some intense photo filters on top, haha. And my favourite character(s)? As the artist who designed them, I'd say visually all of them! xD But character wise, I think it's a close head-to-head of Joyce and SuuJ. <3

FELIX: I think my favorite character is Snow. I also really like Zen's design and his relaxed personality, but Snow was really fun to write! They're reserved and don't show much about their insecurities or problems, but Snow is still fairly confident and mature for their age.

I think a lot of that personality was also inspired by the art. Snow's design really brings across how introverted they are and because Snow doesn't have a lot of facial expressions, this definitely influenced the way I wrote some of their dialogue.

As a big fan of pastels/pinks, I can definitely empathize with that desire to express it more in art regardless of gender, haha! If you could each add any one feature to your projects that's currently beyond of your technical/artistic capabilities, a "wildest dreams" kind of thing, what would those two features be?

FELIX: I'm really intrigued by the idea of procedural narrative. Not in the sense that a story is random, but rather that it's systemic and somewhat non-linear. That's not really something you can just add to any project though and it probably also involves a lot of trial and error before it works but maybe one day :'D

ROHAN: Oh, nice question! I think it would be super cool to have hand-drawn animated cutscenes in a game. But that's completely beyond our budget of...everything...right now. TuT

Haha, I would love to play a procedural visual novel with animated cutscenes! (Although those two things combined would add even more work to each other, huh? #gamedev!) One final question — do you two have any LGBTQ visual novel recommendations from any other teams or creators?

FELIX: Ladykiller In a Bind left a pretty strong impression on me. In general, Christine Love's visual novels are usually really interesting mechanically in addition to their LGBTQ themes.

Most people probably already heard of Butterfly Soup but I really liked how heartfelt it is and the way the story is told!

And we already mentioned Hustle Cat, which is interesting in the way the main story and the romance routes are intertwined in addition to allowing you to romance all characters regardless of gender.

ROHAN: Hahaha, just imagine creating cutscenes for every generatable piece of story. That would be a killer xD And yes, I'd agree with what Felix wrote. The games by Christine Love, are really well written. Butterfly Soup is a fun ride and way too relatable for people growing up with Asian families. I also play The Arcana on my phone right now. I don't like the payment system too much but the story and characters are well-developed. And the artstyle is just gorgeous!

But one should also keep an eye on indie devs who aren't too well-known. Visual novels seem to generally be on the rise right now and we'll surely find some nice surprises if we keep looking! :3

Definitely agreed that people can find some really pleasant surprises by doing deep dives into places like Itchio's VN tag — or hopefully even from my list and these interviews, haha! Thank you both so much for talking to me, Rohan and Felix, it's been a pleasure.

The first half of //TODO: today is available now for free, or you can follow Boys Laugh + on their Twitter and Itchio accounts to find out more about their progress on the second half!

[pagerunner-j]

Before I begin, the obligatory disclaimer: the following is a bit of a feelings dump, and it’s more personal than I meant to get, especially since I’d intended to avoid posting personal stuff here at all. When I say “please don’t reblog,” I mean “PLEASE LISTEN THIS TIME AND DON’T REBLOG.”

But there’s a lot I’m trying to process about last night’s story, the friction between narrative and game mechanics, and the emotional repercussions of this sort of scenario. It’s been a long build-up that all kind of came to a head for me last night. Ergo, this post.

To give proper context, though, I need to back up a bit to the first campaign and explain why Percy’s second death, brief as it may have been, was ultimately worse for me than the first.

—

2017 did not start well. One January day I got a call from my audibly ill father saying that both he and my mother were in the emergency room. She’d been admitted for congestive heart failure. He was diagnosed within the day with what turned out to be stage 4 colon cancer. He’d been avoiding appointments, ignoring symptoms, and putting off the inevitable, until the doctors went in only to find that the tumors had spread to the point that there was nothing they could do. I still have a clearer mental image than I’d like of my dad’s scars, along with bags and tubes hanging out because what was left of his system couldn’t do its job anymore. They stitched him back up as neatly as they could, but there was no fixing the real damage. It was done.

I didn’t have much room to breathe for quite a while. My life was pretty much consumed with trying to figure out how the hell to handle any of this. I did manage, for better or for worse, to keep carving out a little bit of time each week to watch Critical Role, because I needed something good to think about while everything else was falling apart.

Unfortunately for me, it took less than two weeks between the day all that began and the final battle with Raishan.

I was braced for possible bad outcomes, considering the severity of the fight, but what I wasn’t prepared for was for someone to get felled in a way that was basically mundane. Sure, it was a dragon that did it, so much of the situation was fantastical: an enormous mythical monster, and a swipe of larger-than-life claws. But what I had to deal with, because it was, of course, described in detail, was an evisceration. It was, to be blunt, my favorite character getting his guts ripped out. And because Pat had to go and up that ante, writer that he is, I found myself sitting numbly through a scene afterward of Kerrek beside Percy’s body, trying uselessly to put the ruined mess back together.

I still can’t think about that scene without feeling sick. I couldn’t even feel properly relieved when Percy got revived. I wanted to. Obviously I was glad that he was there for the rest of the campaign, because I wanted to see his story find a less abrupt end. I just didn’t feel any better about the idea that well, sure, he got a magic fix. It just kind of ended up spotlighting the futility of what I was staring down.

My dad died in May that year, on a Thursday night. I got home very late after hours of trying to deal with things, and found myself alone, overwhelmed and unsure what to do with myself. For lack of anything else better to do, I pulled up that night’s VOD. I couldn’t really focus on it; I kept drifting out and only sort of coming back to. I let the episode keep running for a while, though, at least wanting some friendly voices to listen to.

Then I realized what everyone was doing, and I looked at the timestamp, and I counted backwards. And I froze.

While the party was playacting at speaking with the dead, I was sitting in a hospice room listening to my father pleading with us to let him go.

I only got a few seconds further in before I stopped the video and turned away.

Despite the fact that I’ve watched almost everything Critical Role has ever done, I still have no idea how that episode ends.

—

After all this I went in for my own medical tests, since my own heretofore-handwaved-by-my-doctors health concerns suddenly seemed more pressing. It turns out, unsurprisingly, I inherited all the fun stuff. Fortunately, none of the growths were cancerous yet, because at least my unfortunate genetic legacy is something that, with proper screenings and care, it’s possible to stay ahead of. But I was told they’d need me to come in in another six months, and probably every year after that forever — or until something finally goes nuclear, whichever comes first.

Guess we’ll see.

My shorter term problems were enough to deal with on their own. The day after the test, I found out I was losing my health insurance. Two days later I found out I was losing my job. Everything since has basically been trying to patch things together from scraps. Sometimes things are sort of okay. Sometimes it’s a bottomless pit of uncertainty. Obviously, nothing in the wider world has exactly improved since, either. In sum total: fun times, especially considering I was already struggling with severe anxiety before all this began.

I wasn’t really sure how to emotionally process the ratcheting stakes in Critical Role at that point either. When you’re still watching the show because you need a breather from months of continual crisis, but your beloved characters are facing down things like, oh, a dread god and the very real possibility of everything going straight to hell, it’s…not exactly something you can turn to for relief, per se. I kept on going, because the bright spots were still so good, but I can’t exactly say I was enjoying myself for significant parts of the run, either. It was also where I started to feel a very real frustration with D&D and the inherent capriciousness that can creep in.

In short, I desperately, desperately did not want this battle to go wrong. I didn’t want to have to face a story that I’d become so invested in going completely south not because it necessarily made narrative sense, but because the dice (as they always have the opportunity to do) said “fuck you.” Yes, the feeling was probably more selfish on my part than anything else. But I still hope it’s understandable for emotional reasons, and it also got me thinking again about the entire logic of “that’s just how the game works,” and how far you can run with that before you finally trip and hurt yourself.

I’ve always had problems with a few common things in game design. One of them — usually less of a problem when we’re talking about high-level D&D, although it can still surprise you — is when things arbitrarily become harder in the game than they would be in real life. (Floor/jumping puzzles in video games where you can’t step diagonally For Reasons, I’m looking at you.) Another is any kind of gameplay mechanic that robs you of your turn or otherwise puts you out of play. Varying degrees of success or failure is one thing, but I could never understand what’s ever fun about being stopped from participating in the thing you’ve come to do. Still, one way or another, there are so many ways for that to happen. Failed dice rolls, getting stunned or disabled, outright death: there are so, so many ways.

And it’s one thing if that’s happening during the course of, say, an everyday board game, but it feels different if it starts changing the course of a full-blown story.

Part of this is the editor in me talking (who will have words with me about this post, I’m sure), because she has Opinions about it all. She always wants to keep the story on track, not go off on useless tangents, and not drop things without getting proper resolution. She’s big on structure and pacing, suspicious of too much chaos. She does not get along well with D&D. This isn’t to say that this forms the entirety of my opinion, mind; I can still appreciate the way the game works, and the fact that so many interesting and unexpected things can be born entirely because of the random element, improvisation, and decisions you have to make in the moment. But dropped threads, unfinished plots, interrupted ideas, the things that get lost, or the characters that do…those can end up haunting me.

Honestly, and this is probably always going to be a fundamental disconnect between me and any D&D game: I’ve discovered both through watching CR and playing the game a bit myself that I don’t really care about the game as much of anything except as a skeleton for storytelling. If it supports the narrative, if it gives structure, if it enables activities, if it provides opportunities for play, I’m all for it. If it yanks the rug out from under you just because, again, the dice decided to say “fuck you,” or the rules get weird, or there’s something else that just doesn’t mesh between player and scenario and/or DM, I have a harder time with it.

And it’s crushing when stories I care about collapse or turn sour because the game says so, and for reasons that feel almost cruelly arbitrary — particularly when I’m getting more than enough of that in real life.

So for CR, the ending of campaign 1 was an exercise in protracted anxiety. I was in a space where I needed something to work out, but even the entertainment I’d been turning to was becoming dangerously precarious. Wasn’t the best feeling.

In the end, luckily, it ended about as well as it could have: not without consequence, but without everything crashing down. I felt relieved, and satisfied, and glad we got a chance for resolution with the characters we’d been following for months. If anyone had to permadie, the character who was already bound to the goddess of death was not a shocker, and in many ways it’s the kindest choice; he got more resolution than any human being in the real world ever will. It barely even registered as a sad ending. I envied him, really.

I’ve watched far worse go down.

Meanwhlie, i was also thinking that even though it would be tough to say goodbye to these characters, it could also be a refreshing reset. We’d get new characters needing to find out who they are, what they want, what they’re good at, how to relate to each other, how to begin. Smaller stories, with not everything having to be about the END OF THE WORLD (again). Lower stakes. I was fine with the idea of lower stakes for a while, and less threat of impending death and pain.

Well. Like I said. It was an idea.

That brings me around to Molly, and to story decisions and gameplay decisions that both broke my heart seven ways from goddamn Sunday.

—

It took me a while to come at this part, because it took some time for the thought to crystallize that I wasn’t only reacting to the rolls of the dice in last night’s scenario. That was part of it, absolutely. Luck is a thing, strategies work or don’t, fate is capricious. I wish that several things had played out very differently, and I’m especially upset that the way things fell out, it stopped a story in its tracks that had barely even started. (I’ll come back to that.) So the start of the thought was still game vs. narrative, and it’s part of why I wrote that whole run-up you just read.

That said, the more I poked at it, the more I got upset that we were playing out a scenario like this at all.

I was thinking aloud about this in another post, but to preface it a bit better: There’s an entire meta level to three players being gone last night that everyone knew about. I understand the impulse to avoid metagaming, but it also creates some odd situations, like everyone trying (and failing, because — yep — the dice said “fuck you”) to investigate the area and find out why their friends were gone. So we had to start with a big, clunky process of the characters figuring out what the audience and the cast already knew: that Matt had written Jester, Fjord, and Yasha out by having them get kidnapped. The story is streamlined enough. The gameplay around it, not so much.

But here’s what I got hung up on once it all sunk in: why did this have to be the story in the first place?

I’m not thrilled with how a situation that arose in real life because of pretty much the prototypical joyous event (i.e. a new baby) and something that had been mundane on the show until now (Ashley being away) got turned into a brutal story about a triple kidnapping and trafficking, which promptly resulted in a death. And it says a lot about the underlying plot they’re dealing with, which is not something I’m sure I’m willing to ride with much further. I’ve been leery for a while – starting off with mutterings about an evil god only a few episodes in put me on edge from the start – and then there’s the political unrest and the religious conflicts and people disappearing…it’s all going somewhere really unpleasant really fast.

It’s also derailed a story I wanted, which hurts like hell.

We’d barely even gotten to know Molly. Molly had barely even gotten to know Molly. We got tantalizing hints, and plenty of suggestions that there was more to discover — probably an entire character arc’s worth of material. And then…this. My inner editor? Yeah, she’s screaming with frustration. In any traditionally structured narrative, this would not have happened, because even if a death was in the cards, ether it would have been timed differently so that you could get further down the road with him, or if the character was always meant to die early, any decent edit would have trimmed out most of the details that suggested at things that never got payoff. But it’s D&D, and so it’s the push-pull at work: game vs. story, plus a(n un)healthy dose of “unavoidable meta circumstances vs. the apparent need for A: drama and B: to barrel right ahead into a crisis even though there were other choices that could have been made in the light of said meta circumstances.” And…here we are.

Here we are, with a dead character who should not, let’s be honest, be dead, and a story left hanging, and far fewer obvious options for fixing it than we had at any such crisis point in the previous campaign, and lots of miserable, hurt people.

One of them being me.

—

There’s a reason this shit hurts. Personally speaking, it would hurt even if I didn’t have over a year’s worth of unfortunate circumstances making narrative swerves like this even harder to take. It hurts because the story and the characters are so engaging, because they’re worth the investment, and, yes, because when things go wrong, sometimes they’re for reasons that make me want to flip a goddamn table. And yes, maybe it’s silly to get worked up when they might — might — be able to do something about it. But we can’t count on it, and so yes. It hurts. It hurts to have a source of joy becoming something else, especially when there were so many other options. It hurts to watch favorite characters get hurt and killed, yet still be expected to write it all off as “that’s just how the game works!”, as if having emotions about it is a weakness and to be scorned.

Honestly, I found myself screaming “FUCK THE GAME” aloud last night (and probably upsetting the neighbors), which sums my feelings up succinctly enough that I should have started right there. :\

But…again, here we are, and here I am, struggling with feeling hurt and sad and exhausted with so many things veering toward pain again when I was hoping for something different, and writing big long word-vomits of posts about it.

Because D&D.

(Memo to Editor Brain: I’m tired, and I’m not going to give you another three hours to edit this post into something more manageable, so you will just have to cope. Not everything or everyone gets good endings anyway. Apparently.)