#this is dedicated to the sweet anon who kindly asked for funny stuff

[yunatheintrovert]

the curious case of Maxim Rykov's many paperweights

“Five minutes, Maximka.”

“Nyet,” he sighed out for the fifth time. His old friend certainly had enthusiasm for this particular objective but...well Leonid had a tendency to get carried away. And considering what happened when his friend was bored...Maxim was reluctant to say the least, “I need the man to be mentally intact. His intelligence must be verified after it is acquired, Lyonya.”

“I can be gentle,” Leonid idly said, tossing his knife in the air before easily catching it. Maxim shook his head. Lyonya was as gentle to a subject as a grenade was in a room full of people.

Looking at the stubborn look in his friend’s eyes, Maxim relented only slightly. If he took too long in acquiring intel from the subject, Perseus would hand the subject over to another...and Maxim didn’t want to have to go to that gas mask wearing bastard for the intel.

But Maxim wasn’t going to let Leonid do whatever he pleased. He knew him all too well to let that happen. For this delicate objective, there needed to be a plan...or rather several backup plans in place as well.

“What do you plan on doing with the subject?” The former para asked before he regretted making this decision. That sentiment only increased as Leonid smiled. What did the Americans say about that?

Ah yes, a smile like that of Cheshire cat, Maxim thought.

Leonid tilted his head slightly as if contemplating it before nodding to himself.

“I will poke him with the knife.” he declared. Maxim blinked.

“Poke?”

He nodded, raising his knife and moving it forward slightly in the air as if the action emphasized his words. Maxim looked on amusedly at the display before deciding to humor his old friend. Lyonya sure did love to put a little play on words, twisting the boundaries of orders bit by bit.

“Demonstrate how poking him with the knife on the thigh would be-”

And just as Maxim was about to reach for the wooden block he had laying around, he heard the tell-tale sound of splintering wood. He turned to see Lyonya’s large combat knife stabbed deep into the rich ebony wood of his desk.

He saw his friend staring expectantly at him as Maxim sighed, “I want the report on my desk by zero hundred hours. You are dismissed.”

The cut in his ebony desk only became more apparent after Leonid pulled out his combat knife that had been stabbed deep into his desk. He was as overzealous as ever in that demonstration.

“Lyonya,” Maxim said suddenly, knowing he should remind his friend of this one important thing.

“Da?”

“Poke him with the knife non-fatally,” Maxim said in his deadpan manner. He wasn’t quite reassured by his friend chuckling at the reminder. But he knew Leonid would ultimately listen.

Once he heard the door close behind Leonid, the former para let himself examine the damage to its full extent.

Maxim Nikolaevich Rykov stared down mournfully at the deep cut in his desk.

Ebony, it was.

It was issued by Perseus to all strike team field commanders for their offices...

But as the Americans would say, there was no use crying over spilled milk...especially if it was already rotten anyways.

With that conciliatory thought in mind, Maxim reached down to pull out the drawer of his desk. He stared down at the drawer filled with many paperweights of varying sizes. He looked over them critically before choosing one in particular that caught his eye in the past.

He strategically placed the paperweight over the deep stab wound in his ebony desk. Maxim nodded in satisfaction at the look of the sky blue glass paperweight in the shape of a bell with the VDV insignia etched into it. Each and every one of the paperweights on his desk were strategically placed there for this one purpose.

As he closed the open drawer of his desk, Maxim thought of the one rule he lived by.

Always be prepared.

_____________________________________________________________

Author's note: This is dedicated to the really sweet anon who kindly asked for funny stuff. I hope you don't mind that it's a funny-ish shenanigan that happens between Leonid & Maxim. I've been having writer's block recently and just a creative block in general and writing these two both brings me the serotonin and it's just easier to get ideas for these two. But I absolutely don't mind writing something else between different characters if you'd like! To the anon who asked for funny stuff, thank you so much for asking! Your asks have really been helping me get past my anxiety about writing and whatnot. I know it's been a long time since I replied (which happened cause I was an idiot), but I hope this little snippet starts to make up for it. ma

[randomfandomimagine]

More Important (Damien x Reader)

Character: Damien Haas

Fandom: Smosh Games/Youtubers

Categories: Reader Insert, Female!Reader

Title: More Important

  Requested by anon:

i have a crush on damien haas as well. maybe you can do a roomate AU where the reader and damien are close friends and live together. slowly damien realizes he’s developing a crush and now he has to figure out what to do. maybe include others from Smosh Pit/Smosh Games? whatever feels right! :-)

Requested by @snazzynerd:

i saw the desire for a damien idea i was just thinking about just them doing a game bang and the punishment involves something the character is terrified of (spiders, heights, etc.) and damien likes them and loses on purpose after the punishment the character asks why he did it and he tells them he likes them and they kiss and fluffy stuff

 A/N: I had the cutest idea for the punishment and slightly changed the request idea, but hopefully you’ll enjoy it ;)

I emerged from the bedroom, cranky and exhausted. I was still wearing my pijamas and my hair picked up in a messy bun. I dragged my feet to the kitchen, where I found Damien already dressed and ready for work.

“Mornin’...” I mumbled tiredly, plopping down on the chair.

“Good morning to you too, Y/N” Damien dedicated me his best smile, which was quite charming and uplifting despite it all. “Coffee?”

I just groaned in appreciation and took the mug he was offering me, sitting down on one of the chairs.

“Why are you still wearing your pijamas?” He said pijamas in a funny way, probably to make me laugh. Or just to be goofy, as usual.

“I’m not going to work today, I just… no, I refuse” I shrugged, talking more to myself than to him.

“Why? It can’t possibly be because the punishment of today’s Game Bang is to be locked in a dark room and you happen to be terrified of the dark, right?”

I rolled my eyes, feeling even moodier, and slammed the mug against the table in anger. Joven and his stupid ideas, as if it wasn’t bad enough that we were playing Amnesia The Dark Descent and I was the biggest scaredy-cat in Smosh Games.

“Aw, c’mon, Y/N!” My friend definitely noticed I was serious about that and kneeled down in front of me, fondly resting a hand on my knee. “You won’t have to go through the punishment unless you lose!”

“Don’t even humor me, Dames” I tiredly rested my jaw on my hand as I put my elbow on the table. “I’m gonna get jumpscared so badly that I’m gonna lose immediately, you know me”

“But…”

“And it’s the two bottom losers! Even if Mari or Joven or someone else loses, I’m definitely going to be in the punishment!”

I pouted, really dreading that moment. For once, I didn’t want to go to work despite how much fun I usually had there with all my friends. But it was like when they made Lasercorn face his fear of heights –multiple times, might I add –like he did in Cellouts or when they pranked Joven with the fake spider in What’re Those.

“It’s gonna be okay” Damien was kind enough to give me a comforting hug. “That means you won’t be alone in there!”

I just sighed, still not convinced by his arguments. With the corner of my eye I noticed how he stared at me sadly so I drank some more coffee just to distract myself from that image.

“Hey, Y/N” Damien suddenly called me, so I took a glance at him.

I choked on my coffee and nearly spat everywhere when I took a good look at the face he was making, it was hilarious. Damien was portraying his famous ‘triangle mouth’, knowing it never failed to make me laugh.

“Damien!” I complained, wiping coffee off my chin.

“See? Much better!”

“Now that I spilled coffee all over myself, you nerd?”

“No, but you’re smiling!”

I stared at him, genuinely moved by that heartwarming gesture. Then I stood up and, once I made sure I had cleaned up all coffee from my mouth, leaned closer to him.

“Thank you, Damien, you’re so sweet” And I left a tiny kiss on his cheek.

“I, uh… S-Sure!” He had suddenly turned a bright shade of pink. “Any… Anytime!”

I smiled again, because it was so cute when he got shy and flustered like that. I was so glad he was my friend and my roommate as well.

“I’ll go get changed” I left the mug on the table again, this time delicately. “But I’m still moody about the punishment…”  

“Fiiine, I guess I’ll do it then” He pretended to be resigned, even if his cheeks were covered in the remains of his blush.

“Do what?” As I was headed back to my room, I turned around to face him.

“Make my life goal to cheer you up”

“Don’t you have more important things to do?”

“What can be more important than seeing you smile?”

Ironically enough, that comment made me smile once more. Despite the fact that I woke up feeling like I wouldn’t smile in the entire day and that I resolved to just staying cranky. But apparently not as long as Damien was around.

*

Damien gave me a ride work and playfully commented on my ‘comfortable attiré’ as he said. He didn’t pass an opportunity to earn a smile from me. But he was right, I had dressed up so lazily because I just didn’t care that day, I was still sulky. Not to mention exhausted because I was so nervous that I didn’t manage to get any sleep.

The closer we got to the office, the more nervous I got. Until it was time and we all gathered at the studio to film the blasted Game Bang. I sat on the couch, restless, while Tim and everyone else prepared the cameras to start recording.

“Yo, what’s up, Y/N?” Boze sat next to me, eyeing me carefully. “You’re so quiet today!”

“Don’t you know?” Joven intervened. “Y/N is terrified of the dark”

“Yeah, thanks for the brilliant idea, Joven” I sarcastically said, crossing my arms over my chest.

“That doesn’t mean you’ll lose, you have two in six chances!” I knew it was her attempt to cheer me up, but it didn’t really work.

“And you know who has lost more around here” Mari pointed her thumb towards herself and then towards Joven, who glared at her.

“Besides” Joven said, trying to ignore Mari. “The fear of the dark is the fear of the unknown, and you know it’s just an empty room, nothing will attack you in there”

“Of course” My voice dripped even more sarcasm. “Because not once in the history of Smosh Games has someone been pranked, Joven…”

Wes chuckled at my remark, and Mari did too, agreeing with me.

“But! But… Butt” Damien fooled around, pointing at his own butt to gage a reaction from me. And I chuckled in spite of myself. “It you happened to lose, something unlikely in my honest and humble opinion… You’ll be there with us!”

“Thanks, Dames…” I mumbled, feebly resting my head on his shoulder as soon as he sat down next to me.

“Yeah! You’re… welcome, I guess” He chuckled awkwardly, and I wondered why he seemed so awkward all of a sudden.

“Or… you know… scream with you in there” Boze wrinkled her nose mockingly. “You know ya boi is gonna scream like crazy”

I chuckled a bit, knowing she was messing around as well.

“It can’t be that bad, Y/N” Wes muttered, tilting his head.

“Then why don’t you take my punishment if I lose, Wesley?” I stuck my tongue out at him, which made him chuckle again.

“I’m not scared of the dark” He shrugged, like it wouldn’t really bother him.

“No taking anyone’s punishment!” Joven intervened, knowing Wes too well.

“We’ll have to see how you cope when you have to face your worst fear, Wes” I pushed my finger against his chest in a joking manner.

“What would that be?” Mari curiously asked, eyeing him as though she could read the answer in his face.

“Being denied ice cream or something” I replied, talking to myself and not being serious at all.

Boze laughed out loud at my joke, and the rest giggled as well. Damien even passed his arm around my shoulders and squeezed me against his side.

“Don’t worry, Y/N” He whispered in my ear. “I have a plan”

But I shrugged the comment off, knowing it was just another one of his jokes.

“Okay, ready” Tim announced with a hand gesture. “And action!”

“Game Bang!” We all exclaimed as the intro. Even if I was terrified deep down.

“Today we’re playing Amnesia the Dark Descent!” Joven said to the camera to introduce the video. “And the punishment is... you have to be locked in a dark room and anything can happen in there!” 

“Join Smosh Games, they said” I interrupted with a scowl, causing them all to turn to me. “It’ll be fun, they said!” 

They chuckled, even if I felt like all of us had said that at some point. They could make an actual compilation of that sentence being spoken. 

“Also, Y/N is very scared of the dark” Wes added with a head tilt.

Damien kindly squeezed me in his arms to comfort me. And oddly enough, it kind of worked.

*

The odds were not in my favor so far. Mari was playing Amnesia at the moment, and she was doing pretty good. Boze had lost not too long into the game, Wes –the pro videogame player –was the one that took longest to die in game and Joven did relatively well. After Mari, it was just Damien and I was the last one. Maybe I should have asked to play first instead of last, because I was getting so apprehensive.

“Dammit!” Mari yelled when the invisible monster killed her in the game.

“Damien, your turn!” Joven reminded him, so the aforesaid sat in the chair.

“Hope I do gooder than you guys” He joked, giving the camera and innocent glance.

Damien easily navigated the in-game mansion, carrying on from where Mari left off, and then jumped on his seat as soon as the monster appeared again. I was surprised that he covered his face with his hands and allowed him to kill him.

“What?!” Wes exclaimed in outrage. “You lasted like two seconds!”

“Oops” Damien shrugged, but I didn’t buy that innocent shrug. He was up to something.

I sighed in resignation and sat in the seat that Damien left and which he motioned for me in a very gentlemanly manner. When I looked at him he winked an eye at me, as if encouraging me.

“Okay” I took a deep breath and looked at the camera. “I’ll try my best”

“You can do it!” Mari encouraged me as well.

“I’m so nervous, you guys” I made an exaggerated worried face to the camera before I started playing, but kept on talking. “My hands are a bit shaky”

I absently played the game while my mind raced with thoughts. I couldn’t help but wonder how Lasercorn faced his fear of heights in that Cellouts episode. Then I thought his reaction was pretty funny and found some comfort in knowing that at least it would make the viewers crack up.

“Watch out, Y/N!” Boze warned me, and I got back to the game.

I yelped when I realized the invisible monster was after me once more. Right where Damien left off, and it had found me again. I had been too worried with the punishment that, ironically, I was losing the game and hence having more chances of being locked in that dark room.

I squeaked again when the monster killed me despite my efforts to run away from him and grimaced knowing that I was one of the losers. But I had hope that maybe Boze lasted less than me, since I hadn’t really paid attention to the game.

“How long did she last?” Wes asked Joven, who kept the timer on his phone.

“Unfortunately… you are going to the punishment, Y/N”

“Noooo!”

“Along with Damien, right?” Mari couldn’t hide her smile, she was obviously happy that she didn’t lose for once.

“He lost surprisingly soon!” Joven said in a high-pitched voice.

“Yeah, what happened to you, dude?” Boze asked him, softly punching him in the arm.

“What can I say?” Damien shrugged yet again, and I took notice of his bright red cheeks. “Guess I just panicked…”

“To the punishment!” Joven announced like he was the host of the show.

I was resigned to accept it, even if I knew I would have a terrible time in there. My only comfort was knowing that Damien would be in there with me.

*

We got in the locked room and stared at the camera, waiting until they started rolling again now that things were ready. I kept nervously nibbling on my bottom lip and playing with my hands. My heart was beating like crazy, and I noticed Damien eyeing me too.

“And rolling” Tim announced, and I stared at the camera.

“It’s not so bad in here, right?” Damien casually asked, even if the room was very small to also be claustrophobic.

“No, I don’t think that… aaaah!” I yelped when the lights suddenly turned off without a warning.

“Wow!” Damien exclaimed close to me. “Where are you?”

“I’m here” I replied with a shaky voice, even more scared than I anticipated.

I knew it was an irrational fear and that I had been in that room with the lights on just a second ago and I knew nothing would hurt me, but I was still petrified. I closed my eyes, like that would fix something, but opened them again just to be found with the same total darkness.

Finally I felt someone tapping me in the shoulder. While my brain told me that it was obviously Damien, my instinct made me jump up in fright.

“You scared me!” I blindly slapped in the dark until I hit him.

“Ow, sorry!” Damien carefully shuffled his feet closer until I could feel him extremely close to me. “I’m here, don’t worry”

I could feel his breath and I could smell his cologne since he was so close. Then he timidly wrapped his arms around the small of my back to keep track of me.

“Remind me to kill Joven, please?” I joked, even if I was annoyed at him.

“You can’t kill sweet little Joven!” Damien giggled a bit, and I reluctantly grinned because of that boisterous contagious laughter of his.

“I’m freaking out” I mumbled, hiding my face on his shoulder and shielding in the comfort of his embrace.

“Nothing is gonna happen, Y/N” My friend told me to calm me. “You have nothing to be afraid of, and I’m here with you” 

“I know!” I exclaimed in frustration. “But that’s what a phobia is, it’s irrational! Even if I know I’m safe, I’m just freaking out!”

It literally felt like something would jump at us at any moment, and I had the urge to grab my phone to provide us with some light, but they made sure to get us in there unprotected. So I was in a constant state of alert knowing that they would prank me.

Soon enough, a loud noise made me jump again and a sudden light that made me wield my eyes appeared as the door was opened wide and someone stuck their head. They were wearing a scary mask and shouted at us to scare us, and I just knew it was Matt Raub.

Even though I had been expecting it, I hadn’t truly braced for it and the tension I was already holding within me wasn’t helping. So I did, in fact, scream at the top of my lungs. Damien chuckled a bit, but his arms tenderly tightened around me.

“I hate you guys!” I yelled at him, even if Matt closed the door again and left laughing.

“It’s alright, it’s alright” Damien tried to comfort me, even if he was still chuckling a little. “I told you I had a plan”

“What plan?” I asked, hoping the conversation would distract me, while I still reminded myself of the comfort of the closeness.

“Well, I couldn’t avoid you losing, but I could lose with you and be here to comfort you” The way in which he held me was the most gentle and loving too, it helped me feel better. “You know the others might have teased you a lot”

“That’s so sweet of you, Damien!” I replied in appreciation, wrapping my arms around his neck and squeezing him as well while I rested my face on his shoulder. “You lost on purpose for me?”

“Yeah, I mean…” I heard him gulping and I could tell he was nervous even if I couldn’t see him. “You’re more important than winning”

“Aww” I kissed him in the cheek, earning a nervous laughter.

The adorable moment was ruined when I heard a bang on one of the walls and I jumped yet again. My muscles were starting to hurt from being so tense.

“What was that?” I asked, clinging on to Damien.

“Probably someone messing around with you” His hands gently tapped my back to soothe my anxiety.

I looked up to Damien, even if I still couldn’t see him. I wished I did, though. It felt to me like his altruistic gesture went further than just friendship, but I didn’t want to discuss that right there and then, knowing we were still in the middle of rolling a video. And I didn’t want to kiss him either because I knew we were being filmed with night vision cameras as well. No matter how much I suddenly felt like doing it.

“Boo!” Wes opened the door yet again after a while, his white face and his white hair sticking out in the darkness before he turned the lights on. I jumped yet again. “Come on out, you’re done!”

“Finally!” I awkwardly pulled away from Damien and didn’t have the courage to look at him at first.

“You guys are jerks” I mumbled, turning to the camera and deadpanning. “Game Bang, I guess”

“And cut!” Tim announced, grinning. “Good job, you guys!”

“You okay, Y/N?” Wes asked me, kindly patting my arm.

“Yeah…” I rolled my eyes at him, and he started laughing so I threw him the closest object, which happened to be a pillow.

Damien silently walked away, but I wasn’t going to let him go so easily. Cameras were off now.

Wes might have known what we were up to, because he left the room without a word. Maybe he was aware of the fact that Damien was falling in love with me and until just then I had been the only one too blind to notice. It was funny to think that I realized about it when I was literally blind in the middle of the dark.

“You sure you’re alright?” Damien worried, seeing as I kept holding on to his arm.

“No, actually” I smiled, finally relaxing. “I think something’s missing”

“What?” He looked around, wondering what I was talking about.

“Well, since you’re in love with me and you’re always so thoughtful…” I was saying, but he didn’t let me finish.

“What?” Damien repeated, dumbfounded. “How did you…? I just… Y/N, gosh, I…”

“I think you deserve this” I quickly said to him, like he hadn’t interrupted me, and right after I smashed my lips on his.

It was a brief and rushed kiss, but I enjoyed it. Even if I hadn’t thought about Damien that way, I… was starting to do so.

Tagging: @thatsdarwinism, @peachesandfangirling