#my worst onboarding experiences have been when the person training me comes in and throws lots of

[whentherewerebicycles]

question: when you're starting a new job, what do you most want out of your first week of onboarding? what's most helpful for you to know/understand upfront? also... what's not helpful? tell me your onboarding nightmare stories too lol

[kanerboo]

okay so... i’m just kind of needing to work out my thoughts about the blackhawks in writing for a bit, so everyone can ignore this or choose to disagree or whatever, I just need to kinda get things out of my head and get my thoughts down in some order.

1) our recent performances: the thing about this, which is something i’ve kept reiterating, is that apart from that horrid game against the flyers, we have actually NOT BEEN PLAYING AS BADLY AS OUR SCORESHEETS SUGGEST. this is the main thing that’s so baffling to me. on paper, this team is not a bad team. on ice, this team is not playing like a bad team either. and YET!!

an example below, from the carolina game yesterday, after 2 periods of play. all of our possession metrics were positive (from this tweet). and yes I know corsi is not a great stat, but it also kinda lined up with my eye test where we actually weren’t playing badly, at least for the last half of the first and throughout the whole of the second.

and yet we couldn’t buy a goal to save our life. we came close a number of times. kirby hit iron. saad came close a few times. we had a flurry of chances from the top line, and during a PP, and from nylander. and through it all mrazek, who is, let’s put it that way, not such a great goalie, was making himself look like fucking brodeur or roy with some crazy saves. when carolina was up just 1-0 through a PP goal, we literally could have pulled even or gone ahead any number of times. and the puck just was NOT GOING IN.

I DO. NOT. UNDERSTAND.

and how many times have I seen this story happen already in fewer than 10 games? it happened against the caps where we played really well and lost because we were up against a goalie standing on his head. it happened against vegas where we played our best game of the season, possibly the best game i’ve seen them play in a whole year, and still lost because of a goalie standing on his head, and to me it’s just like, how long can this go on before the players start getting demoralised that they’re doing everything right and they’re working hard and nothing is going their way? and the worst part is, that point might be happening NOW, especially based on what patrick said in his postgame last night.

2) our special teams: ok it makes absolutely zero sense to me why our special teams are so terrible this year, when we shored up our PK in the offseason and we had the league’s best PP from like what, mid-january? I know we couldn’t continue the way our PP had and eventually it’d regress towards the mean, but this isn’t even their “mean”, it’s back to the putrid days of Q. there are times it shows signs of life, like a couple of sequences against carolina, but again, when that happens, we can’t find a goal. I still don’t understand the rationale between putting nylander up on PP1 and demoting dylan to PP2 - I feel like if we had success with that particular PP1 unit last season with 19-88-17-12 then maybe we should try that? I do get maybe they’re trying to create some balance across both PP units since saad and kubalik are firing now and putting dylan there gives them some additional firepower, plus the PP1 unit had such a huge chunk of TOI during last season’s PPs and it was getting pretty unbalanced there, but come on. at this point something HAS to be done already.

as for our PK - stanbo made some really good moves in the offseason, and acquiring carpenter has been one of them. he has been great on our PK - and we know this PK can be amazing, we’ve seen them kill four minute minors and we’ve seen them score shorties - and then there are times they just completely seem to collapse. I DO NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND.

3) brings me to my third point. the coaches. specifically, marc crawford.

i’ve always liked jeremy colliton. I was a supporter of him when he first came onboard. he proved me right by leading us to the league best PP and league best points total from january onwards? something like that, I don’t remember exactly. anyway it was clear to me that by the end of last season the players had bought in to his system, they were settling into it and learning to play it well, and he’d earned their respect. and the hope was that with a full training camp he’d be able to get the team doing a lot more.

then they brought in crawford and i’m gonna be honest I hated that appointment from the start because he didn’t have a good rep with players and teams. there was an article I read about him, I can’t remember where and I can’t find it to link now, but he apparently used to treat players really badly, had shitty player management. and I didn’t like that.

and ever since he came in our lines have been fucked, our players look demoralised (but in all fairness this could be from that pattern of playing-well-and-not-winning - although if the lines and systems are instituted by crawford then fuck yeah he IS demoralising them anyway), and our special teams have gone down the drain. and from what I’ve learned, crawford is in charge of the PP and PK, so you know. you do the math.

you could argue colliton is still the head coach and therefore he should have the final say over his lines and systems. you wouldn’t be wrong either. but I personally find it hard to believe that a guy who managed to get us those PP and points in the second half of last season, who has shown serious hockey smarts and good leadership while managing the team during that time, someone usually intelligent and thoughtful when it came to his pressers and systems, is behind ALL of this bullshit.

HOWEVER. I will add that I don’t like the way he’s conducting pressers nowadays. it makes me feel like he’s throwing the team under the bus and I don’t like that AT ALL. and like I said it really surprises me because I find it hard to believe there’s such a difference from last season and this year. and I still really don’t think it’s a coincidence this season is fucking up with crawford behind the bench.

4) they need to play 91-19-88, they should have played 1988 together since at least three games ago, stop fucking experimenting with the top lines. we have two perfect, ready-made chemistry pairs that can feed off each other easy and play with almost anyone on the other wing. put them back together especially when this got us so much success last season.

I appreciate that with the emergence of kirby as a center, possibly a second or third line centre, and that solid third line of ours, dylan has been kind of moved down the pecking order. but dylan has something no one else seems to have, and that’s chemistry with alex. I mean if I could I wouldn’t want to touch the third line either, and putting kirby on the fourth line is stupid when he’s so good and he’s not a grinder and he’s actually been holding up well even when centering patrick, but it’s just. i’m never the doom and gloom type when it comes to my team, but this, this I feel is dire. maybe because of the way we play hard and play well and can’t seem to score. but just throw 1988 and 1712 back together for a few games and see what happens. it’s also not a coincidence that once 1988 got put back together they started generating offence and SOGs - which they both weren’t in previous games.

5) just to end my word vomit: I hate all the stupid fucks who are saying to “trade toews” or “fire bowman” lbr here stanbo brought in some really good trades last season and in the offseason, and like I saw one of the beats say, one of the worst parts of this whole situation is that the people he’s brought in have actually been playing well and made a difference, but the team as a whole just can’t pull out a win. and the people saying to trade jonny? lmao yeah of course because the troubles of the whole team lie on ONE MAN’S shoulders, i.e. our captain who has been actually working his ass off? i’m tired of all the shit being thrown at jonny all the time. people expect him to score 100 points when he’s not that kind of player. he’s not patrick, never has been, never should be, they’re two completely different types of players, and people NEVER seem to get that. it’s like they think oh 88 gets 100 points so 19 should too. but 88 also doesn’t play on the PK or have to forecheck and backcheck and play a hard-wearing defensive shutdown game in addition to his offensive responsibilities. the fuck? sometimes I wonder if these people actually WATCH hockey, because they don’t seem to get this and haven’t for years.

ugh, needed to get that off my chest. sorry if you actually bothered reading the whole way through ig! i’m just sad and angry and really really want my blackhawks to do well. i’m still holding out hope - i’m not giving up on this team - but I really need them to show some results. oh, and maybe for marc crawford to get fired. 

[one-piece-dumpster-fire]

Scenario where the straw hat’s chemist (who’s a young boy around the age of 15) starts an experiment and it goes horribly wrong and ends up exploding in his face and blowing out his right eye and burning him severely over his arms? Everybody was out relaxing one day and then suddenly they hear an explosion and some straight up terrifying screams. How would they react when it happened afterwards? (Especially if he says he’s ugly and that it’s okay if they don’t want him anymore)

boo you’re making me really sad here here :(

a very sad Strawhat Pirates scenario

It was a calm day at sea for theStrawhat Crew. They’ve been sailing around for a while now withoutstepping foot on an island, and everyone was pretty relaxed. Usuallythe crazy and unpredictable weather conditions kept the pirates fromenjoying themselves, so when a day was as peaceful and promising astoday came along, they would definitely make use of it. Everyone was doingsomething to cease their boredom- Zoro was training, Luffy, Usopp andChopper were hunting each other with water guns, Nami and Robin weresunbathing while Sanji constantly brought them snacks, and Brook andFranky were performing a funky duet for the rest of the crew. Onlyone person was missing.

(Y/N), the newest and youngest memberof the Strawhat Crew. They only picked him up a couple weeks back,but he quickly became an important friend and irreplaceable asset tothe crew. He served as their chemist, and would often create new potions to help them on their voyage. From deadly poison tomedical cures, the boy’s talent and creativity seemed to know nobound. And even though Luffy, Chopper and Usopp often tried to makehim join the Crew in their group activities, (Y/N) almost alwaysdeclined and preferred to work on his experiments inside of the ship.

„Give it time. He’s new, and dealingwith a crazy bunch like us will take some getting used to.“ Sanjialways assured the three boys when they left (Y/N)’s room with agloomy expression on their faces. And today was no different. Thethree of them had burst into his room, each with a watergun in theirhands and wearing nothing but Swim Shorts.

„C'mon (Y/N), the weather is reallygreat! Let’s play!“

„Zoro is totally focussed ontraining right now, I’m sure he wouldn’t even notice it if we’d hit him with our guns! It’llbe fun!“

„Franky said he’d build you anextra-super water gun if you want to!“

But it didn’t work. No matter how muchthe three of them begged and asked, (Y/N) didn’t want to leave hisroom.

„Look guys- I really appreciate youreffort, but I can’t leave until I’ve finished my experiment.“ Also,you’d probably just get bored with me anyway, he added in silence.Knowing that further pressuring (Y/N) won’t do any good, the threegave up and left his room in a defeated state.

Their gloom didn’t last long however-as soon as they felt the heat of the sun on their skin again allworry was gone and they continued to play by themselves. Everyone was havingfun. No one was prepared for what would happen next.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

The sudden sound of an explosion torethrough the air, and a strong quake was shaking the entire ship-causing Luffy, Chopper and Usopp to fall onto their butts.

„What was that?!“

„An enemy attack?“

„No way, the sky is clear and there hasn’t been ship in sight for days!“

„Then what else could it be?!“

All of them were shouting at each otherand no one could grasp what had just happened. That is, untilFranky’s expression turned into pure shock and he rushed to the doorleading inside the ship.

„Smoke! There is smoke coming out ofthe ship!“

„Maybe something catched on fire andexploded?“

„But what?“

„(Y/N) IS STILL INSIDE! WE GOTTA GETHIM OUT!“

In no second, all the other member of the crewalso rushed towards the door and followed Franky into the smoke.

…And it didn’t take long until they knewthe cause of the sudden explosion.

(Y/N)’s room was completely covered insmoke and ashes, with a fire crackling ontop of the table he alwaysused to experiment on. And the young man? He was sitting against thewall, his body covered in dust, ashes, shards of glas and blood.Chopper immediately rushed past the others gathered aroundthe boy, who were too shocked to even move, and started to check on (Y/N).

„(Y/N)? Can you hear me? (Y/N),please answer me!“ Tears started to well up in the littlereindeer’s eyes as he pleaded for his friend to reply. The otherStrawhat’s finally came out of their paralized state and also jumpedto the boys side.

„What happened?“

„Is he dead?“

„No he isn’t, you fool!“

„One of his experiments probably blewup in his face…“

„Oh no. (Y/N), please don’t die!“

Chopper pressed his ear against theboy’s chest, and tears started to flow down his face. „I… I don’thear a heartbeat!“ He sobbed and took a step back while everyonegasped in horror. „N-No….“ Luffy said, trying to fight backtears. Everything turned quiet, and only the crackling of the dyingfire filled the room with any sort of sound. But then- suddenly, asound emerged from the boy’s mouth.

„G-g-g….g-guys?“

Everyone looked down and stared at theboy, who was still lying against the wall.

Robin was the first one to react. Shesummoned a couple of arms and told everyone to put out the fire whileshe and Chopper would take (Y/N) to the treatment room. The othersjust nodded, still way too overwhelmed with what had justhappened and followed Robin’s directions, while she and Choppercarried (Y/N) away. It took less than a minute to put out the fire,but it felt like hours for the Strawhat’s. Everyone was still tryingto understand what had happened and if (Y/N) would really make it.

Meanwhile, Chopper was quick to performfirst aid on the injured boy. „Luckily, none of his wounds appearto be fatal,“ he explained to Robin before swallowing hard,„however, his right eye was blown out by the explosion, and hisface and body suffered severe burnings, which… he might never fullyrecover from.“ Another sob escaped the reindeer’s throat as hecleaned up the boy’s body. Robin simply nodded, since there were nowords needed. Nor was there anyway for her to express how devastatedshe felt right now. Oh god, (Y/N)…

A few seconds after Chopper finishedtaking care of (Y/N)’s worst wounds, the rest of the crew rushed intothe room. They all tried to enter at once, and for a moment got stuckin the doorway as a result. Chopper’s treatment room immediatelyfilled up with people gathering around (Y/N) and asking the little doctor all sortsof questions regarding the boy’s condition.

„Will he wake up?“

„Is he okay?“

„Idiot, of course he isn’t!“

„Do you know what happened?“

Chopper was too overwhelmed to answereven a single one of the questions, so Zoro screamed for everyone tobe silent and let Chopper explain.

And after he was finished with his report, no one dared tomove a muscle. Everyone was completely silent. They remained likethat, standing by (Y/N)’s side completely motionless for what feltlike hours.

When suddenly, (Y/N) started to coughout again.

„y-y-you g-g-guys… I’m…. s-sorry,I… I messed up… t-t-the experiment….“ Nami had to cover hermouth in shock at the sight of (Y/N)’s burned body. Zoro and Sanjilooked to the side, unable to face (Y/N). Franky and Brook bothsobbed and fought back tears. Robin stood in silence. Chopper, Usoppand Luffy all started to cry.

„M-m-my eye…. it- it’s gone……isn’t it?“

But no one replied.

„I…I….I’m probably lookinghideous right now…“

Utter silence.

„I-I’m so useless…Y-You should justthrow me into the ocean…“

And suddenly, someone screamed. It wasLuffy.

„(Y/N)!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE ALIVE!“ Hisface wasn’t recognizable due to a mix of his snot and tears dripping tothe ground.

„WE WERE SO WORRIED!!!“

(Y/N) was shocked for a moment, but then violently shook his head until he had to stop due to the pain souring through his body.

“N-no, you don’t understand… I am worthless… I-I damaged the ship… I can’t do anything right… j-just… get rid of me…please”

As soon as the words left his mouth, the room started to break out in chaos.

“Why would you say that”

“(Y/N), please don’t tell me you mean it”

“Listen, this wasn’t your fault and….”

“QUIT JABBERING SUCH NONSENSE, IDIOT!”

Zoro’s voice ripped through the air and everyone immediately shut up.

“When we asked you to join our crew, what did you say?”

“I–I said yes, b-but-”

“And when you first came aboard, we celebrated you as our new nakama, right?”

“I-I don’t-”

“And we wouldn’t have done that if we’d get rid of you because of something so stupid, fool!”

“…”

Everyone was visibly shocked at the way Zoro talked to the young boy, but silently, they had to agree with him. (Y/N) was a member of their crew, there was no way they’d abandon him.

“Taking someone onboard as a nakama isn’t something someone does on a whim! It’s a decision that can last a lifetime, and if you don’t get that then you didn’t pay enough attention.”

(Y/N) simply stared at the green-haired man, too shocked and suprised at his outburst to reply. So instead, Luffy stepped forward.

“He’s right, (Y/N). No matter how lowly you think of yourself, there is no way any of us would share those thoughts.”

Now Usopp took a step towards his bed.

“Y-Yeah! We all mess up, but that is just what it takes to be a part of this crew. And no matter what you’ll look like, you’ll always be our precious nakama.”

Chopper nodded in response.

“And I will treat you the best I can! I don’t care if you never wanted to play with us, that didn’t make me like you any less!”

Franky sobbed again and wiped away a tear with his massive hand.

“If you want to, I can build you a replacement for your right eye. It won’t be the same, but it’ll definitely give you back your full sight.”

Robin smiled at (Y/N).

“I’ll bring you my best books to read until you’ve recovered.”

Nami winked at the boy.

“And I will buy you some stylish clothes to hide your scars, if you want to.”

Sanji lit a cigarette and took a step forward.

“Suit yourself. From now on, you’ll be on a strict diet. I will supply you with food that will help you recover as fast as possible.”

And lastly, Brook made a spin and took out his guitar.

“Yohohohoho! And I shall perform my most energetic songs for you, to keep you entertained!”

After everyone’s speech, silence returned once more to the room. (Y/N) didn’t know what to say, but tears started to drip down his face.

“Y-y-you all…”

Everyone smiled before assuring him one last time,

No matter what, we’ll get through this together!

[3one3]

The Sequel - 849

Holes

André Schürrle, Juan Mata, other Chelsea/BVB players, and random awesome OC’s (okay they’re less random now but they’re still pretty awesome)

original epic tale

all chapters of The Sequel

“Remember when you said you were going to lift weights this morning?”

“Remember when “morning” happens until noon? I have plenty of time still.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Stop poking my tummy.”

Christina asked for chocolate chip waffles and whipped cream for breakfast. She said she deserved it because Lukas kept her up all night. Thunderstorms were not his favorite thing to experience onboard a boat, even safe in a marina. While he finally got some rest, she devoured chocolate, flour, sugar, and cream in bed in her sweatpants. André had eggs, smoked salmon, and avocado on toast, in significantly smaller quantities than her breakfast. He told her he only even had substantial food to help soak up the alcohol that lingered in his system from the night before. She kept on trucking well after he cleared his plate. He entertained himself by making fun of her.

It was still gray and gloomy outside, and there was some leftover drizzle in the forecast. There was no light coming through the blinds in the master stateroom. Christina was tired of bikinis and lounge chairs and sightseeing anyway. She said she wanted to work out, have a bath, and then hang out in bed all day with Lukas, André, Spencer, Lucky, toys, and Law & Order: SVU reruns. Not only had it felt like an eternity since she last had that opportunity, but that was the first morning she expected that kind of day to actually feel as relaxing and rewarding as it once could. Everything she tried to explain to the player about how she felt being with him was real and true, and while she couldn’t quite understand why that seemingly meant much more to her than it did to him, she was incredibly relieved. She was incredibly grateful to whatever happened in the universe, be it a solitary event or a series of efforts, that allowed sharing the same space as André to feel like her Happy Place™ again.

He was still figuring out how he felt about her explanation. There was no denying that her happiness was dear to him, and that he was relieved to be able to think of her as “out of the woods”, so to speak. The urgency of her uncertainty and chronic depression was gone, and it was a load off his shoulders. There was just no solitary event or series of efforts he could pick out and actually believe led to that situation. He’d been arguing for months that all they needed was for Christina to get on a winning streak and be happy and comfortable in the saddle again, but for some reason he struggled to accept that it worked. To him it was more likely that she experienced some kind of quieting peace sharing her nights and most of each day with Juan, and that that in turn led to better riding. The player hated that he sent a troubled girl who was trying to be happy and clinging to the prospect of a positive streak of good show results and little fighting at home off to Cannes with Juan, and got her back “cured” of all major ailments. Her ankle even seemed less swollen to him at night, and there was no complaining about her knee. In the mean time, while he processed and internalized, just being with Christina was great. She was his best friend.

“How did we even have chocolate chips on the boat?”

“Luke likes these mini ones on his ice cream so it was on the list,” she explained with her mouth full.

“When are you going to wake him up?”

“I’m not. He can sleep as long as he wants. He cried for like three hours straight.”

“My mom says we need to start toilet training.”

“I know. I’m letting Espen handle it. She’s a pro. You have to help her though because you’re the only person in the house who knows how to pee standing up,” the rider winked. “I think she wants to wait until August, when he’ll be home for a while...” Her casual tone became slightly tentative, and she trailed off as if she were leaving something unsaid. Obviously, it was the Olympics. Lukas would be home with his dad and his nanny while Christina went off to Tokyo if she made the team, and there was a little break after the games too and thus no need to travel. If she didn’t get in the team, there would be other shows to attend while her colleagues were in Asia.

“Yeah that’s a good idea,” the footballer nodded. “Dom says the best way is to keep him naked all day so he has nowhere to put the poop.”

“He’s just go on the floor or something. Or he’ll find a towel or a blanket and try to use it like a diaper, and I will be mortified and probably throw up.”

“And I will laugh,” he smiled. “How is your pooping, by the way? I know you have trouble when you’re on the road.”

“Boyfriend. Have I not made it clear that I never want to discuss that with you?” His wife glared at him before shoving another waffle square dripping with melted whipped cream in her mouth.

“Except when you can’t go, and send me 20 messages about how uncomfortable you are and you’re afraid that if you try to push it out it might start to come but it won’t get all the way-“ She reached over the plate in her lap and clamped her hand over his mouth. Then she lifted her other hand to her mouth, still holding her fork, and held her pointer to her lips to shush him. “You are such a baby,” he chided when she withdrew.

“I’m your baby though.” Christina turned a cheesy grin on him and leaned over to kiss his forehead. Then she looked back to make sure she didn’t get any chocolate on him. If she had, she would have licked it off. “Also, I’m ready to try that whole getting off before working out thing.”

“You’re not going to want to have sex after you finish eating that.”

“There are other ways to get off.”

“Like binge-eating waffles?”

“Like...you can put your hand in my undies and I’ll put mine in yours.”

“Maybe you should just take yours off.”

“For easier access?”

“No, because the elastic is holding your waffle-belly in and probably damaging your stomach,” André sniggered.

“You’re the worst.”

“That makes you Mrs. Worst. Want to watch porn?”

“It’s 10 in the morning.”

“So?”

“I dunno. That’s weird. Can you take this? I’m done.” Christina lifted her plate and attempted to hand it off to André, who was no closer to a place to put it than she was. He frowned at her and reluctantly accepted the empty plate anyway. The second he put it down on the tiny nightstand to his left, she asked him to pass over her green juice. He in turn asked if she needed him to digest the food for her too, and “poop it out” after. The rider told him that if he didn’t stop talking about poop, there would be no pre-workout orgasms for anybody.

“Are you going to text Kyle back? You said to remind you,” he yawned as she pulled on the hot pink straw in her glass. Loafing in bed was really quite all right with him too, and he didn’t care that much about the porn or the orgasms, or even the workout for that matter. He was very good at doing nothing, unlike her. His favorite part of doing nothing was snuggling with her, and that was hard to do in the sun. A day indoors sounded nice. It would be his first in a week and a half. He sunk down the low bed, dropped a pillow on Christina’s lap, and violently crashed into it face first as a precursor to finding a comfortable position to stay in.

“No. I forget what I was going to add. I told him to hack Dirk and some of the others and I can’t remember what else I wanted, so whatever,” she yawned back. “Your hair is pretty now.” And I’m-n-a play with it! So fluffy, the lazy girl thought as she dove into his head with all 10 fingers. “I like when it gets Carolyn Kennedy blonde. It’s getting so long all over though.”

“Which Kennedy is Carolyn? I don’t know that one.”

“Carolyn Bessette. She married JFK Jr.. She was also a publicist for Calvin Klein, and Working Girl goals for every WASPy girl in my generation and the one right before mine. Her hair was like white. She died in the plane crash with him. I’ll never forget that day. The day after, actually, because the crash was at night and it wasn’t all over the news until morning. We were getting ready to go to a horse show. It was a Saturday. I think it was Salt River, or St. James or something, out east. Mom put the TV on while she had her coffee or whatever, and the news was flipping out. Then she was flipping out. I think she probably cried. The Kennedy’s were like royalty to people like her.”

“Which plane crash?”

“Seriously? You live under a rock. JFK Jr. crashed his own little private plane off Martha’s Vineyard. The theory is that fog and darkness led to him losing the horizon, and then ending up upside down. It took a few days to find the wreckage. The Kennedy family is totally cursed. He had just raised his profile big time with George Magazine and everything, and he was sooooooo hot. For every girl who was obsessed with Carolyn Bessette, he was like...the Holy Grail of hotness.”

“When was this?”

“1999”

“Your memory is ridiculous.”

“That’s why I worry so much about the future,” Christina replied quietly. Her fingers slowed their entanglement of his platinum and gold hair. “I can never forget the mistakes and problems of the past.”

“I know, pretty girl,” André replied just as quietly. He moved his left hand between her legs, just above her knees- not for any sexual purposes, but just to leave tucked in there, in the warmth of her sweatpants, where she might take it as comforting. “How many times have you seen this episode? Can you recite the dialogue?”

“No, but I remember the plot,” she chuckled back, allowing him to go ahead and steer them away from the solemn moment. “I know who did it.”

“Well don’t tell me.”

“K.”

“Does my hair feel nice or does it need coconut oil?”

“It’s very nice.”

“Good. Where is your juice right now if both of your hands are in my head?”

“Balanced precariously on top of your pillow and against my chest. My boobs are like a nice cradle. But if you move, the sheets are gonna be green.”

“Good to know.”

What was I trying to remember to tell Kyle, the equestrian wondered after a minute of silent TV-watching. A glance at her phone on the bed beside her failed to jog her memory. It did make her think of Juan though, because she owed him a text too and was intentionally waiting until a bit later in case he was sleeping in. I miss him. I’m not supposed to miss him when I’m with Schü and everything is great, but I really miss him. Mostly just his face. And his laugh. And what happens to his face when he laughs. He said he’s down with my Mallorca and Ibiza plan, so I’ll see him soon though. Oh, you know what? I should ask him if he knows any Chelsea transfer secrets, like why they haven’t signed ANYBODY yet. And on that subject, I wonder how long boyfriend can keep suppressing his need to tell me all his hopes and fears about his new manager. I don’t know anything about this Bosz character except that his team was a total fucking embarrassment in the Europa League Final. And that he coached the Chelsea Youth B Team AKA Vitesse. No big clubs. Ajax isn’t a big club anymore. And he hasn’t won anything. What were they thinking, Christina groaned inside. At the same time, her insides groaned too.

“Uhoh, is all the poop about to come now?” André teased when he heard the rumble.

“No. It’s just my organs rehydrating. They were severely dehydrated from all the alcohol last night.”

“Uhhuh.”

“Do you think Lucks and Spence went out drinking last night too? They haven’t moved in like 45 minutes. What if they’re dead?” his girl questioned absently before withdrawing her fingers from his unruly locks so that she could have another big sip of her juice. He was correct. She was feeling short on fiber since arriving on the boat. Her juice was full of spinach and kale. She was also feeling pins and needles in her legs because they were stuck between footballer and snoozing terriers.

“I can hear Lucky snoring through the blanket,” the footballer yawned.

“Are you gonna be snoring momentarily too?”

“I don’t know. It’s honestly a tough choice between mutual masturbation and a nap.”

“I’m kiiiiiiiind of leaning toward nap,” Christina admitted. “And can you move for a second so I can put a pillow under my knees?”

There was a nap. It lasted for one and three-quarter episodes of SVU. Then the dogs needed to go out, and Lukas was up, and phones were ringing and vibrating, and the world was trying to butt into Stay In Bed Time. The baby got to eat, the business calls were dealt with, the dogs went for a walk with Espen, and then Christina said she absolutely had to go work out. André wanted to keep up with his routine too. They told Lukas they needed an hour and then they’d watch The Little Mermaid with him. He liked the songs. And he was very understanding. Besides, he had his nanny to play with him, and his Toy Fox Terriers. His dad wanted to play with his mom when her exercising became too distracting for him to do his own.

I did not know when I realized the annoying feeling in my stomach after I talked to her the first day was butterflies that if I invited the girl with the great legs, fantastic ass, tits with potential to be nice if they weren’t held prisoner in a sports bra, small waist, and pizza tummy to be my partner that she would one day have even sexier legs, a tighter ass, the most nom-tastic neck and shoulder and whatever the rest of that space under her face is called area, and a stomach that is so perfectly sculpted that it’s just disgustingly sexy and all I want to do is hold her waist and squeeze it while I fuck her. I should get some kind of special prize for investing early. I mean, look at her. Ridiculous. How does she keep it so that her stomach has JUST the right amount of definition? It would be gross if she had abs like mine. She just has lines. They’re soooooo perfect. I want to pour water on her just to watch it run off in the channels, the footballer reflected while he watched Christina do burpees with free weights.

There wasn’t a lot to work with on the boat, because there wasn’t a lot of room, exercise equipment is heavy, and everything had to be securable no matter the speed at which Lilly XO traveled or the type of seas through which she went. In addition to a limited set of dumbbells, there was a high-end treadmill, a pull-up bar, a punching bag, and some yoga mats. André almost tripped and experienced a tragic treadmill accident multiple times while he stared at his girl’s torso each time she popped up from the floor and lifted her hands and the weights above her head. The definition of her abdominal muscles changed in that process. The horizontal lines appeared at maximum stretch, while in any other position it was just the vertical ones that were most apparent. To him it was like her 6-pack was playing peekaboo. She was all tan, and shiny with sweat, and it was mesmerizing. She worked out in stretchy boyshorts and a sports bra, so he could see pretty much all of her legs too. Her thighs did a satisfying jiggle when she jumped in the air, even though it didn’t seem like she had enough mass to jiggle. It was just her muscles letting go once they’d achieved the jump, and preparing for the landing. He almost marveled at her form.

How does she recreate the exact repetition every time? She never looks tired. She doesn’t do two bad ones because she’s tired and then fix it and do them right again, and she never changes the rhythm even a little bit. Gym Prinzessin is a machine. When was the last time I watched this? I’ve watched her do stretching by the pool, and her on-the-floor ab routine, and the stuff she does for her Swiss cheese ankles. We’ve run together at the house. When was the last time I watched her lift or do her intervals, André asked himself while scanning his memory. Then Christina allowed herself to collapse on the floor instead of jumping again, and wailed something about wanting to die. Her right cheek was on the sealed floor, so she could look out to the water. The gym was also part of the “toy” room, where the scuba gear and some other fun stuff lived, and had a big “door” that could be lowered out into the water like another deck, called the “tender port”. The jet skis were in there too, on a hoist system that made it easy to drop them into the water and pick them back up again. It was open for the view and to let some of the extreme air conditioning out. Water splashed up onto the wood deck each time a boat passed by on its way in or out of the basin.

“Don’t quit now,” André said with an encouraging clap. “You said you wanted to work on your thighs too, for the pain.”

“Yeah. Soon,” came the rider’s breathless reply. She was thinking about what Captain Theo mentioned to her about a regatta for boats like hers only, called the Perini Navi Cup. He said all “the others” went. The Italian manufacturer didn’t make that many boats, of course, and Christina was one of the weird outlier owners. Apparently the other lucky sailors all wanted to get together to see their brethren. The event included races, which the captain said were serious but not like the most hardcore regatta in the world as most of the crews in charge of Perini sailing yachts are there to provide a luxury cruising experience rather than pilot for extreme performance. He said most of the captains were more likely to win hospitality awards than get in the America’s Cup, for example. Some owners apparently brought in different crews and a tactician for the regatta though, to be more competitive. Rosehearty, a 56m boat just like hers but a few years older, was the reigning champion. Captain Theo brought up the Cup as if he was presenting a social opportunity for her- to get to know the other owners, meet the family that built her vessel, see the other boats, and enjoy wine and cocktail-themed parties- but Christina could see a twinkle in his eye too. He definitely wanted to show people what Lilly XO could do. She looked across the harbor at the many smaller sailboats lined up in front of the cafes, and wondered what a boat show would be like, as a way of distracting from the pain in her muscles and lungs. She loved walking around any port to check out the boats. An actual boat show did sound fun. Not moving was also a lot of fun in that moment.

“Want some water?” her workout buddy offered. Unfortunately he also tossed the full bottle to her without waiting for a response, and it arrived just as she rose up on her arms. It clunked her in the back of her shoulder. He meant for it to land near her, not on her. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it!”

“Ow, fuuuuuuck that hurt,” Christina grumbled upon laying back down on her cheek. “Why you do dis, boyfriend?”

“I’m sorry!” André switched off the treadmill and scurried over to her to apologize properly, and to kiss her shoulder. She was sweaty and gross and he regretted the kiss as much as the accident. “Want me to put the bottle on the booboo? It’s cold.”

“No.”

“Okay. I’m sorry.”

“I’ll survive, probably.”

“I’m going to get a yoga mat for you so you can do the thigh lifts and things.”

“Why are you trying to be my fitness coach?” She rolled over onto her back before the textured floor could leave an imprint on her face, and because her chest felt uncomfortably smooshed.

“I’m not. I just like watching you exercise. Your body is amazing.”

“Thanks,” Christina yawned. “Yours ain’t too bad either. But your thighs could use some work too. You should do this with me. It’s a shame I don’t have another set of ankle weights.”

André decided he could humor her, and pulled up a mat for himself too. She’d packed both her medium and high resistance bands, and, being a gentleman, he volunteered to use the more difficult one for their various exercises. They did each one on the opposite side so they could face each other and talk. The first one required lying on their side and then propping up on an elbow, using the other hand in front of the body for stability, and then using the strength of their obliques and inner thigh muscles to lift their feet off the floor, with the band around both legs just above the knee. Then the top leg was raised to stretch the band, and lowered back together, in a quick but controlled rhythm. The second version was the equestrian’s least favorite. She lifted the top leg a few inches and then raised the bottom one up to meet it, even more quickly than the other version. It made the “round and juicy” muscle in the middle of the inside of her upper thigh tickle from the inside out. Then came two clamshell exercises- one regular, and one suspended, and the corkscrew lift. They took a stretching break, which André used to simulate holding his girl’s tiny waist between her open knees and fucking her, and then it was on to the things meant to help the tightness in her adductor. She lay on her side again, up on her elbow, with her top leg bent so that her foot was flat on the floor behind the bottom one, which was then lifted up for a two-count and then lowered back down for two. After 30 seconds, she held it in the raised position and moved it up and down just a little, very fast. He could do all of that and hold a conversation about spending another night in St. Tropez as if he were just lying still on the couch. The last test for each leg was circles- lifting that bottom leg straight up, opening it forward, bringing it down, and then pulling it back in before repeating the circuit. Switching the circle in the other direction was the worst. It was much harder to lift the leg when it was open out in front. Annoyingly, the football player didn’t seem to think any of the exercises were difficult. He was never taxed.

“You’re done?” he questioned with feigned surprise when Christina started pulling the Velcro open to take off her ankle weights.

“Yeah. I’m trying not to do anything with my ankle. The burpees are bad enough for it. I want to give it a real break. My knee, too.”

“That’s good, pretty girl. I have a little more to do. You should go have your shower. I’ll be up there by the time you’re done.”

“K. Do you want a post-workout snack or smoothie? I’m probably not gonna take a bath.”

“Nah but save me some hot water, yeah?”

She administered a see-you-in-a-bit kiss and then climbed the stairs to the main deck, stepped down the stairs into the outdoor sitting area, and went inside to assure Lukas that she’d be right with him. He was sticking Play Dough to a dinosaur figurine and couldn’t have cared less. He paid no attention to his dad stopping for a sweaty kiss 10 minutes later either, and that was good for his dad because he was in a hurry to get to the shower.

Good, I didn’t miss her, he thought as soon as he heard he water running. The workout ended abruptly when he realized he wanted to get in the shower with Christina more than he wanted to work on his fitness. She was literally rubbing a soapy washcloth between her butt cheeks when he flung the glass door open, which caused surprise and blushing on her part and smiley laughter for his.

“Why are you here?” she complained.

“Because foreplay.” André shut the door behind him and stepped closer so he could smooch her and grab both breasts at the same time. The shower was rectangular, and big enough that two people could stand completely out of the water streams, or even sit down on the wide tiled ledge designed specifically for that purpose, when the space was used for steam instead of water. Christina was already standing clear of the water to give the conditioner in her hair a chance to work its magic while she scrubbed everything else, including her chest. Soapy breasts were among the player’s favorite kind.

“Okay but you have to get clean too,” his girl warned. “No just rinsing.”

“Do you want to soap up my dick for me?”

“Not especially,” she laughed. “And can you move? I need to rinse the soap out of my butt.”

I’ll help! André switched places with her and then aided by holding her butt cheeks apart so the water would run in between. Usually she does this too, but she bends over a lot and tries to get the water to hit her lower back and then run down. I think it gets all the way to her pussy that way. The water isn’t very warm though. She probably only likes that when it’s really hot. I’ll help with the boobs too, he thought once her back was rinsed and it was time to do the front. He kissed her left ear while helping to push coconut-scented suds down her breasts and stomach. It tasted like lemon and chemicals, from the conditioner. Kissing is really not for the shower, he realized not for the first time. The shower is more about touching. Prinzessin is all roll her eyes and laugh away my foreplay right now. I want her melting into the touching, so that we can do the kissing when we get out.

“Babe, stop with my belly button and wash your hair.” Christina passed him the Kevin Murphy Balancing Wash and swiveled round again to scrub her face with a green paste full of sea salt and avocado, among other things.

Fine. I’ll wash my hair and then I’ll wash my cock and she won’t be able to resist touching me, the player reasoned. He was discounting how turned off she was by flaccidity. In fact, she paid less attention to him than Lukas did when he passed through the lounge. He gave up and waited until they were all done and his wife was about to transition from towel-drying her body to moisturizer application.

“Prinzessin.”

“Wha?”

“Stop for a second,” he requested, polite but firm. He secured a towel around his waist and bent down to hold onto hers with both of his big and newly softened hands, and leaned in to plant his lips on hers. After about three seconds, the rider lifted up on the ball of one foot so she could reach around his neck. The toes of the other foot behind helped her get just a little taller. His hands moved around to her lower back, and then her butt, and he briefly considered lifting her up onto the vanity directly behind her. I doubt she’s in a fuck-me-on-the-bathroom-counter mood, especially since she just got clean and dry. I’m not really in that mood either. I want to be with her, not just fuck her. We got so drunk last night, when we had sex we were so sloppy. Before that I was thinking about being with her and seeing if there was a palpable difference since she decided she’s happy with me again and everything is roses. I want to know if there has been as much missing from our sex life as there was missing from her complexion and her smiles and her laughs. “Come to bed, baby,” he urged when she released her heavy, yolk-like hold around his neck and let her palms slide down over his shoulders instead. It was her choice to break the kiss at the same time, but she kept her face in kissing-range. Her nose bumped into his a little as she lowered to the flat of her feet.

“Yeah,” Christina nodded. André let her out from between him and the vanity where she left her towel falling out of the sink. Her hair was really too wet to get in bed but that wasn’t so important. He wanted her to sit on his lap anyway, so it was just his wet hair dripping onto the pillows he pushed up against the headboard. She settled in the requested spot as soon as he ditched his towel, and he pulled the comforter over his legs and up to her behind, drawing it closer to him around her, so she was sort of enveloped in it but he could still see and touch all her best bits. He held her waist again, because that was what turned him on so much in the first place, and she leaned on his shoulders so that she could kiss him, because that’s what she liked best in that moment. She liked the soft and gentle way he smooched her in the shower and in the bathroom- not hungry, not passive, not invasive- just very soft. It wasn’t indecisive, testing, tentative, or cautious, nor overly confident, demanding, or brusque. It was just right. It was just kissing for the sake of kissing, and loving.

“You’re my best friend,” André muttered when the kiss had to stop because Christina’s hair got caught on the button on her bracelet. “You know when we were separated and you said it felt like you had a hole, like something was missing from yourself?”

“Yes...Why?” she asked dubiously while untangling her hair from her wrist. Then something occurred to her. “I’ve felt like that for most of the last year too, but I didn’t know what was missing. I didn’t know the shape of the hole. The time you’re talking about, the hole was Schü shaped.”

“I know, baby. I know. I’ve had a Chris hole for a long time. You’re part of me, in here.” The player worked his right hand between their bodies so he could pat his heart, and she flinched inside. Her last very serious conversation with Juan was very similar. He held his fist over his heart and said she lived in there even when she wasn’t around. Very quickly, she pictured a silhouette of herself being carved from André’s heart and pushed into the Spaniard’s. She couldn’t imagine there being two of her- enough to go round. She could only really be in one heart at a time. The bit added to the heart couldn’t be stretched or duplicated, but the heart could expand to accommodate more. Hers had grown to fit the André cutout and the Juan cutout too. It was crowded in there for sure, and didn’t feel quite right- kind of like her stomach after all the waffles. But she wanted them both there, and getting them there was satisfying and enjoyable and she didn’t want either of them to go. Meanwhile, the bigger of the two shapes in her heart was watching her face and stroking her sides with his thumb. “I’m very, very grateful that the hole is gone now. I’m very, very grateful to have best friend back.”