#It literally is just my stream of consciousness word vomit

[cactusdodes]

.

[synvil]

types of bad days // spencer reid

a/n : so I’ve been sick, and not feeling great.. just thinking about how understanding and wholesome our dorky genius would be.. ♡(。-ω-)

this is literally many different real-life scenarios I’ve had and how I imagine Spencer comforting you. or at least how my bf comforted me.

synopsis : you’ve been having a string of stressful days.. let’s see how spencer takes care of you.

warnings : stress, depression, vulgar usage of words, yelling, crying, sadness / angst, mentions of vomiting, insecurities, self-hate, self-depreciation, sickness, sick feeling, mentions of self-harm, mentions of emergency room n hospitals, etc.

little ooc! Spencer and reader is NON-BAU. kinda long!

HEARING you cough into the screen as you’re doing a meeting, Spencer frowns as you weakly murmur an apology and mute yourself in the call, your throat letting out rougher and drier coughs.

The man is quick on his feet and places a glass of water on the desk for you, much to your gratitude.

“I-I’m really sorry, one second-“

Almost immediately after, you had muted and shut off your camera, already hearing your supervisor dismiss you. “That’s alright. Take your time, or perhaps we can move on to another presenter.”

You can feel the embarrassment rise in your self-consciousness, continuing to cough as you try to unmute again. “No- it’s-“

Unable the finish the sentence, your throat unwillingly forced another cough out of you. “I’m sorry..-“

“It’s alright. We’ll come back to you another time. Miss Mera?”

Slumping your shoulders in defeat and major embarrassment, you keep the camera off for a majority of the time and let out a heavy sigh, a few tiny coughs escaping you as you do. Hiding your face in your hands, you shut your eyes tightly and try to control your breathing, hoping it would alleviate some of the coughing but it only pained you more.

Coughs drops were useless, your body practically immune to the flavorful cough candy, and many medicines didn’t quite help fully either.

“How.. embarrassing..”

Although you shouldn’t be ashamed to be sick, as many people go through this themselves, you couldn’t help but pity yourself.

Spencer watches your miserable expression and frowns gently, handing you a glass of water, along with some smaller pills.

“Hey, darling.. I saw what happened.. I’m sorry.” The tall genius crouches down beside your desk and whispers ever so softly, gently reaching for your hands that held your face. “How are you feeling?..”

“Embarrassed.” You laugh bitterly, turning away from his eyes as you turn to the water and grab the glass, bringing it to your lips.

Spencer’s eyes sadden at your words as he slides the pills closer to you. “Try these. I’ve been doing some research and hopefully these ones will be better. They’re newer in the medicine world but there’s already been some records of it’s improvement in reducing cough and itching of the throat and they actually include-“

“I’ll give it a try, honey..” you mutter, part of you feeling bad for interrupting but unable to apologize, being to distracted with your cough that’s coming out once again.

Sending an understanding smile, Spencer helps you open the pills and quickly goes to refill your water.

He sets the glass down, just as you pop the pills in your mouth. “I made sure to get the honey-lemon flavor for you, darling. That should also help you.” Spencer cups your cheek after you finish your glass of water and you look at him with a solemn but appreciative look. “..thank you..”

“Of course. I’m here for you.”

Spencer leans forward to press a kiss to your forehead before pulling away. “Alright. I’ll leave you to your meeting and I’ll get some warm tea for you. Just text or call for me if you need me, okay?”

“I will.. thank you.”

For the third day in a row, you sink yourself over the toilet and retch, feeling your eyes stinging and your throat burning with the acid inside of you.

Tears stream down your cheeks as you clutch your stomach, the immense pain filling every part of your body.

Just as you feel another force of explosive pressure waiting to be vomited, you hear the sound of a door and a familiar voice call out for you. “Honey? I’m home. You here?”

The salivating of your mouth sends you a signal as you gag and hurl into the toilet once again, a weak sob mixing in the noise.

At the sound, Spencer furrows his brows as he makes his way down the hall of your apartment and into the bathroom, seeing it ajar. You were home alone so you didn’t bother to close it. “Baby?”

Knocking gently, Spencer cautiously opens the door, before his eyes widen at your figure. “[Name]!”

You cry out in shame as you pant heavily, the smell enough to make you want to vomit once more but you swallow hard. “S-Spence—“

“Hold on one second, please-“ Spencer runs out into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water before making it back to your side in seconds, kneeling down and handing you the water. He pulls back your hair and immediately rubs your back soothingly. “Sweetie..”

You can’t help the choked sobs escaping you as you cry loudly, using your hands to wipe your eyes uselessly. “S-Spencer.. it hurts-“

Tears brim his eyes as he pulls you close, not caring for the smell. He’s smelled worse so it didn’t bother him. “I’m so sorry.. I’m sorry..”

He held you tightly, petting your hair and comforting you, guiding the bottle of water to your lips. “Drink some, baby.. it’ll help..” his whispers fill your ears through your cries as you weakly take a sip of the water, breathing heavily and wiping your lips.

“I-I’m sorry..”

“No,” he quickly interjects, cupping your cheeks ever so softly. “You don’t need to apologize at all, my love.. this isn’t your fault.. you can’t control this.. and I’m so sorry I haven’t been here to help but I will be; right now.” You look up at him with a sad smile and go up to hold his hand gently. “You promise..?” Your voice so hoarse, it barely was above a whisper.

He sends a small smile in return, nodding genuinely as he presses a kiss to your forehead. Spencer slowly pulls away and stands you up gently. “Come on, honey.”

“Get into bed, okay? I’ll make some nice honey tea for you, get some more water and I actually picked up some medicine for you before I got home.”

“Really?..”

“Of course baby. And I know you don’t like the grape flavored, so i grabbed strawberry. Sound good?”

You manage a weak smile as Spencer helps you under the covers and tucks you in. “Perfect..”

IT was the time of the month, where you and Spencer dedicate a day of the month to just yourselves, whether it’s at home together and away from work, or preparing a whole day of date ideas for you two, you both thought this was a great idea to just relieve from work and strengthen your relationship.

Unfortunately, as excited as you were that this was one of the days that you’d be going out, you wished you could stay indoors, in the comfort of your bed.

Your date was in an hour and you still couldn’t find anything at least decent enough to wear, eyes watering every time you held another piece of clothing to your body in front of your mirror.

“Pretty.. but it shows my arms..”

Tossing that blouse aside, you grab a pair of jeans to your legs but frown. “Too tight.. it’ll show the size of my thighs..”

You found a beautiful sundress and held it to your body and try to smile in the reflection. “Maybe this..?”

Not wanting to give up hope, you strip down to replace your former outfit with the dress and secured it nicely on your form.

But when you turn around, you almost feel yourself ready to burst into tears. The dress was beautiful.. but you just couldn’t feel beautiful in it.

You drop to your knees and sigh heavily, wiping your tears away as you look at yourself. No matter what, you just felt ugly inside and out.

“Darling?”

The familiar voice of Spencer’s rings out as he enters your shared home, a smile lacing his lips as he clutches a bouquet in his arms. “Honey, are you almost ready?— Hun?—“

Spencer pushes the door to your bedroom open and widens his eyes to see you kneeling, clutching the fabric of your sundress as tears stream down your cheeks. You couldn’t even look up at him, forcing your eyes downward as you silently wept.

“My love, what’s wrong, what’s going on?” He voices his concerns as he kneels in front of you, wrapping his arms around your form immediately.

“I-i’m so ugly-“ You choke back a sob as you force your eyes to look at the sundress again before tossing it aside and running a hand through your hair. “I can’t even look in the mirror without feeling disgusted..”

“Angel..” Spencer trails off as his hands run up and down your back in a comforting manner. “My love, i don’t think that at all.. you’re beautiful inside and out.. i think you look stunning in anything.” He says sweetly, pressing a kiss to your temple.

“I love every inch of you, exactly as you are, because to me, you are gorgeous, beautiful, a magnificent piece of art.” You can’t help but manage a small chuckle at Spencer’s words as you sniffle and wipe your tears with your palms. “I don’t know..”

Spencer just smiles when he notices your tiny curve of your lips and gently helps you up. “Here, why don’t we stay in tonight and we can watch your favorite show? I’ll order your favorite food and we can relax for tonight and i’ll remind you all the things i love about you; and it’s endless.” Spencer grins and you manage a bigger smile and hold his hand tightly.

“Okay..”

YOU weren’t sure how long you could take it anymore. Everyday it was always something new, yet something so small, almost insignificant. But enough to make you want to go into insanity.

Each minute that you try to collect yourself, taking deep breaths to relax, you could feel your head spinning and your migraines getting worse.

The voices in your head wouldn’t stop; screaming at you from inside.

Judging.

Insulting.

Mocking.

No matter how hard you clutch your hair, nearly ripping it out, the pain didn’t stop.

No matter how much it hurt to keep screaming, how dry your throat became and how swollen your eyes looked from crying, it never stopped.

Not even when the thoughts became violent.. the need to just do something, anything, just to make it stop for a second.

“I’m here.”

You gasp. As if time had stopped, you whirl your head up and make eye contact with Spencer, who himself has watery eyes.

However, all you felt was the warmth of his hold around you, embracing you in the tightest hug possible, afraid to let you go. what would happen if he did.

“Spence— I—“

“Don’t.. you don’t have to explain, [Name].” His voice is only just above a whisper, one hand on the back of your head and the other around your waist. “I’m here now.”

Your arms are between you two, pressed against his chest and his words and soft touch is enough to bring the tears falling again, as you shut your eyes tightly.

“Let it out.. i’m here.. if you want to explain.. i’ll listen.. if not, then just know..” His grip tightens on you as you cry. “I will always be here for you. always.”

“I love you, [Name].”

a/n : i definitely had a lot more in mind when i started but i might make a multiple parter just because it’s been a while and im still going through some stuff :’)

synvil™️ do not copy my work!

unedited. i literally went to drafts and just finished this last part and posted.

[ford-between-dimensions]

So Ford.

Gonna put it all on the table. One stream of consciousness done as neatly as one can at 11pm after a distressing day of my own.

To start,

You are a traumatized man. Plain and simple.

From familial trauma to making a deal with a literal demon to familial trauma AGAIN, mentally speaking you are not well.

I don't care how much you deny it. It's the truth.

You're a golden child, someone who could supposedly do no wrong, put on a pedestal ever since you were a child.

And that causes a disconnect between yourself and others in terms of empathy and understanding.

Now, to Portal Incident #1.

As you've said, you were in the wrong. Fiddleford warned you against testing/using it several times and you dismissed him on every occasion. You didn't even ask him if he was okay when you pulled him away from the portal after he almost got sucked in. Yes, you were not the one who put the memory gun to his head and made him use it over and over until he lost his sanity, but you still inadvertently gave this man intense trauma for the sake of your hubris.

Also, I may be misremembering, and please correct me if I am, but the portal was for Bill, yes? He's the reason you were building it in the first place. That adds another layer of complexity and nuance into the situation given how you were heavily manipulated into doing so.

You were in the wrong. And while an apology is a bandaid on a beheading, it is certainly a start.

Whether you realize it or not, you are incredibly selfish and vain as a result of your upbringing, and while it does not excuse your actions whatsoever, it does explain it to an extent. You are a broken person, one who needs to relearn empathy and actually thinking about other people. You think so highly of yourself yet you're incredibly lonely and that, for lack of a better word, fucks a person up.

This isn't even touching on everything with your brother. Because frankly the current topic isn't about that. But oh boy do I have thoughts on how fucked up that all was for BOTH of you.

Now.

With all that being said.

Why the fuck do you keep shooting children? Like?? You do realize that's WRONG???

(Ooc did any of that make any fucking sense omg I just did so much word vomit I am so sorry)

…I’d…rather not discuss this any more.

[lotusbxtch]

don't ruin this on me

Pairing: f!Reader x post-outbreak Joel

Rating: Mature (mentions of smut)

Word count: 861

Warnings: Mentions of smut, mentions of heart attack symptoms, mentions of alcohol, aaaaaaangst so much angst, no use of y/n. Not beta'd.

a/n: for whatever reason, I am all up in my feelings tonight and felt the need to write an angsty little drabble about lonely Joel & lonely pining Reader. Consider this a stream of consciousness I needed to word vomit onto Tumblr since isn't that what this place is for?

It's 2 am, the trees outside casting long shadows on your walls in the full moon's light. You shift restlessly in your flannel sheets, not from the cold, but from your own thoughts. There's an ache in your chest, a little pinch that blossoms deeper and spreads slowly. If you didn't know any better, you'd think you were having a heart attack -- you'd always heard that women's symptoms were more subtle than men's; the feeling of an immense elephant slowly crushing the life from you. But you know exactly what this is, and your eyes seek it out through your bedroom window. Seek him.

Just outside the glass, you see the silhouette of the house. His house. At night, everything in shades of grey, devoid of the color of life that the daylight brings. You think that this must be what the world looks like to him.

Ever since you moved in next door to Joel Miller, something deep in you changed. It felt magnetic, like kismet. The moment your eyes met his, something clicked, cracked, slowly hairline fractured in your soul. Something said "oh, there you are," whispered it in the pit of your heart, and you desperately wished it wasn't so. Because you swore you could see that glimmer of recognition the second your hand touched his, shaking it after introducing yourselves. You knew he felt it too. Could see his breath quicken for a few moments, something softening in his gaze. And then the tiniest pinprick of fear flashing in his eyes, and you could almost see him physically shut it out. And then nothing. Cold detachment. The chill went bone-deep, and you could never seem to escape it.

Joel was alone. He was always alone. Try as you might, more often than not, so were you.

You rolled the sheets around your body, wrapping up your arms and legs, holding yourself, desperately willing the feeling away. Knowing that you were literally yards away from him, and yet never seeming to be able to bridge that gap.

You thought things might have been different for a second a few months ago. Tommy and Maria had dragged you and Joel out for drinks, and after Joel disappeared for a few minutes, you went looking for him. You found him around the corner, looking up at the sky, fat fluffy snowflakes beginning to cascade down.

"Joel..." you said softly. He turned, meeting your eyes with your name cascading off his lips. It was the sweetest your name had ever sounded to you. He just stared at you, neither of you saying a word, but your eyes locking and speaking volumes. You stepped up to him, stopping when your feet nearly touched. Slowly, you reached out and brushed your fingertips over his arms, across the soft leather of his jacket. His eyes followed the motion, his breath deepening and quickening. Your lips parted as you breathed in to say something, anything, but nothing could come out. Joel felt your inhale and shifted his eyes back to yours. The fire in his gaze seared you, sent shockwaves through your chest, your arms, your core. His fingers twitched at his sides as you kept looking at him, reaching up to touch his jawline, the little heart-shaped patch in his beard that you loved so much.

"Please," you breathed simply. Begging. Pleading. Saying so much in only one word. You wanted him to know you could give him so much, so many things he was missing. Warmth, laughter, passion, care, simple companionship, understanding. You wanted so desperately to kiss his plush lips, drag him back to your home, spend the next week slowly pulling his defenses apart in your bed, laying his heart out for yourself, soaking in him, letting the pain seep out of the cracks, replacing it with happiness. Wrapping your body around him, surrounding him in every way until he had no choice but to let you in, to let you see him, to drain away his sins and his anxieties and his regrets. To drown the demons out with your moans, your sighs, your hips, your flesh, your wetness, your pleasure, to give and receive as you well pleased. Whispering, shouting, screaming his name as he took and took and took. To love him and love him and love him. Until he forgot why he built up those walls, and gave himself wholly to you.

To love you.

But just as soon as you saw the fire, you saw him snuff it out. The embers barely burning, dying, he skimmed the side of your face with his rough hand. "Darlin', I can't. I can't. You don't need me, you don't want me, I'm bad for you. I can never be good for you."

And then he simply walked away, into the cold streets, back to his home. And those hairline fractures shifted and splintered until the entirety of you broke. And ever since then, you've felt hollow laying here at night. Alone.

A single tear slips down your face. A hurt that will never heal, when the man who could fix it is right there. And yet never close enough.

[freneticfloetry]

fic rec friday fun

So wanted to get some hiatus rec lists going and encourage some self promo in my friends so how about sharing your top fics no matter how big or small - give us the links to your wonderful words with the Most hits/Most kudos/Most comments/Most bookmarks /Most words/Least words

My Works List's answer to everything but Most and Least Words is the same fic, because for whatever reason it is a runaway train, so I'm going to use that for the first and the second spots for everything else. Kisses to @carlos-in-glasses for the tag.

Most Hits: Ashes and Flame (Every You and Every Me) (Hunger Games Trilogy) Peeta comes home, still unsure what the word means. I finished Mockingjay about eleven o'clock one night and stayed up way too late just to write this. It was a fever bunny. I still have no idea how people are still finding and reading this fic, but I have such a fondness for it to this day.

Most Kudos: Lost in Translation (The Losers) Jensen's given a Spanish side mission, and learns more than he thought he would. Sometimes in song. Once upon a time, a friend and I made a pact to write a different NYR fic for unfilled Yuletide prompts every week for a year. That lasted exactly two weeks, because I couldn’t write short to save my life, but I had two of my favorite fic experiences ever as a result. This was the second. I always love getting to play in the brains of characters with the kind of snarky stream-of-consciousness voice Jake Jensen has, and writing this was a blast.

Most Comments: scenes from an unfinished story (told by the lost and found) (The Magicians) The summary is a story on its own, so I'll just say: it's a Queliot Hollywood AU featuring Eliot the Actor and Quentin the Aspiring Writer (who, for the moment, is a PA), based on, of all things, Win a Date with Tad Hamilton. It was my Magicians Happy Ever After Big Bang, and it holds a special place in my heart for a multitude of reasons, but the holy trinity of those is that it was my first real foray into AU territory, it was the proudest I've ever been in my structure and storytelling abilities, and it gave me some of the best friends I'll ever have.

Most Bookmarks: Deck the Halls with Daddy Issues (MCU) Tony Stark doesn't do Christmas. But Steve loves Christmas, and he loves Steve, and he's going to try. (Which still doesn't mean he'll be any good at it.) Third in line here, since the second was already on the list. This was an Avengers movie spec written for the cap_ironman exchange, back in the days before the movie was actually released and squashed every Steve/Tony inkling I've ever had. I also completely forgot about it, in the madness of Yuletide that year, got a reminder email from the mods, said "no no, it's almost done!" when I hadn't written a word, and vomited this onto the page in a six-hour all-nighter. Still, it makes me smile.

Most Words: Past Perfect Future Tense (The Magicians) It happened. That they'd asked themselves how, when it's literally the least important part of this, he can chalk up to shock or shortsightedness or his own sheer stupidity. It's the why that actually matters, and he thinks he knows the answer to that. So the real question… is how to make it happen again. My monster Magicians WIP. I've nicknamed it Cerberus. Plotting this thing just about broke my brain, with all its time travel shenanigans, and the forecasted chapter count has almost doubled since I started, but I still love the idea and get excited just thinking about it. Soon, my precious.

Least Words: So Have I For You (Firefly) Discipline only carries you so far, lies are never good enough to truly fool yourself, and pride goeth before a fall. She's never been trained for this. Y'all, I used to write short fic. Granted this is about fifteen years old, but still. It is a full and complete story in less than 600 words. Where has that girl gone? This is just a little look at Inara, as she prepares to leave Serenity, and all the reasons why she has to.

I think everybody's pretty much been tagged, but just in case: @hoko-onchi-writes, @mixtapestar, @rubickk7, you're it.

[mallbangs]

in 2017, i tried to start this project where anyone could call a number and leave a voicemail of literally anything; sounds, memories, whatever they wanted that was tied to a music project called enoshima that had gone dormant until “recently”. i put “recently” in quotes bc i guess we will just have to wait and see (if ur like me with trying to find new music, if u do enough digging on the internet i’m sure you’ll find some stuff) the goal was to use a landline phone with cassette answering machine so i could keep hard copies for a future use of an idea. after buying three used landline phones and phone calls not triggering the answering machines but luckily would still get email copies of the few voicemail audio files i did…in short, the idea failed miserably due to lack of reach, personal reasons, and money because its not free to have a phone number lol and the enoshima project just went dormant with its own reasons as well…

in 2019, i started to brainstorm a more intentional concept that would connect the caller/listener with the music i had started to write (the current project, mallbangs, that i feel lucky enough and honored to work with the people i do now and have had worked with previously, when it always feels so embarrassing for me to release any of it) and the kind of experience i am trying to thread together now, community and a space in the art, music from inside and outside the digital space. i guess attempting to ground the way that i and i think a lot of ppl consume art these days; strictly through their phones.. it’s why i use my music in the voicemail videos and posts with the hope that ppl make the connection that it’s tied together..well.. it sorta started to gain very little traction but better than it had ever previously.

i think the fact that it began to reach ppl was in part due to 2020 and everything that started unfolding that year; pandemic, quarantine, school years and graduations/normal experiences just evaporated, here in the united states the murders of george floyd and rayshard brooks and the summer uprising of 2020.. i could obviously go on… come january 4th 2022, after a year or so of randomly posting about it because i started to think it wasn’t something ppl were really interested in, it went viral. i spent literally 24 hrs, multiple days, no sleep, emptying the voicemail box every 10 - 20 minutes because that many ppl were calling. i got so anxious, and this feeling of guilt because i wanted everyone who was calling to have the ability to leave one. i didn’t want to let anyone down those first weeks. it’s not as intense as it was then but im still emptying the voicemail box multiple times a day. i’m ngl i freaked out. it was completely overwhelming.

through out last year the project, my personal, and music accounts nearly got banned about 20 times or so because i was unaware that i was doing something that wasn’t allowed on a certain platform. somehow, all of the accounts survived, and it’s up to over 80k voicemails. i even started accepting DMs to post just in case speaking was too much for someone and that’s at a few thousand now. started a p.o. box as well and that’s been very little. allowing the project to evolve into web of different formats naturally as it feels that it wants to. i’m not sure if someone’s written words are any easier to absorb than hearing some ppls pain audibly. both written and audio recorded msgs have made me breakdown more than i can count on what seems inevitable but still for unknown reasons to myself, unexpected.

the new song gutter was inherently inspired and written about all of those emotions i had and have been feeling from the voicemails and what not as well as my own personal shit whether i was consciously aware of it at the time or not. some of the time im oblivious when writing. more often than not it just happens melodies and lyrics fall out like word vomit. stream of consciousness or serendipitous i guess. it became evident it was inspired by all of the aforementioned when i started trying to piece together random lyrics it already had ruminating and while demoing it out. the song had started to, in a way, show me what i was trying to convey. which is why you hear the guttural stutter in the beginning and end. its the dying sound of the radio in my car i no longer have for transportation and hundreds of voicemails collaged together in the demo. When i went to actually record the song, i insisted on keeping that collaged stutter of voicemail’s and noise bc it would have lost what i felt made it even more personal for me. idk if this is fucking pretentious or stupid to say, but that incessant stutter is like symbolic for getting drowned out when u need to be heard.. isolation.. denial.. i guess, if the lyrics are even that revealing. i always try to make lyrics not so surface level but yea i think this one is maybe more surface level than others and yea i just think the stutter sounds cool too.

if you’ve been following the music or the voicemail project for a while, this song could either have been a subliminal experience (of) or maybe surface level at best what its place is in either the VM project or in the music; descending from the official version, a demo version lazily titled “sorry demo”, and the early version which was an acoustic demo. the latter of said three versions had long been the de facto voicemail project song for a while, I guess. 

if its familiar to you because you know me its probably because, as you know, I tend to neurotically play so many song ideas on the guitar into the ground that it’s to the point I don’t realize Im playing them when im around y’all lol 

to everyone else, if this song had been familiar at all to you prior to it being released it is because the acoustic demo version was used around that period of time in 2022 when i was repeatedly getting threatened with being banned.. potentially losing the VM project’s account, the art, and the memories of genuine interactions with strangers that I often tend to think isn’t really real sometimes. Like having felt some of you accepted me for me or what I am emotionally/comfortably able to present to you online..and in that sentiment irl I maybe take for granted interactions with new potential friends or even strangers sometimes as well tbh. 

I realize all of that previous paragraph could be redundant, im sorry :/ But, I have such strong passion for the music and the voicemail thing. So much so that i’ve never monetized any of the voicemail stuff. i’ve never made any “merch/products” to sell or have tried to turn it into a business because these things i create or write mean more to me than the idea of “curating for profit”. never intended for any of the voicemail stuff to be a “marketing strategy” thing. the music hasn’t been recognized as part of this thing, probably due to my lack of making the concept of all of this clear, and probably because of my pride in not wanting any of this to be perceived as such. which i know in this capitalistic hellscape it will be ripped off and done in such a way that someone may be successful from it, its already happening as many have pointed out to me.

out of all this silly voicemail thing and my musical attempt, the most important thing i’ve learned is that everyone just needs someone to speak to even if they don’t talk back. someone just to listen. to be able to get lost in music that takes them somewhere they can feel comfortable like i try to do everyday when listening to music. the voicemails, the DMs, writing music.. it gets very mentally and emotionally overwhelming for me.. listening to them everyday, reading the DMs everyday, struggling to gather the energy in me that never seems to wither to just write.. and if someone offered me a path that is without any of that? i wouldn’t take it. even if it meant making some of these lingering feelings just go away for good.

a few people have told me to end the project because they’re afraid of what it could be doing to me. their concern is valid. i won’t deny that. but i feel as if this thing is larger than myself at this point. and i think the take away for me from all of this is that, im just glad this silly little idea may be helping someone when i myself most times feel like i have nowhere to go or no one to run to. and if i die tomorrow ill be at some what of peace knowing that if i have done anything worth meaning in this short experience of life that we all get to share with one another, its the music and this voicemail project and the community, the safe space ..all of whatever the music and this project has given someone…everything i feel that i never had. i feel eternally honored and grateful that if at all, it has helped someone when i couldnt even help myself.

there’s nothing i could give that’s of equal value to the gratitude i have for anyone that has ever left a msg of some sort and has or continues to support this project and the music. so all i can say is thank you.

with all the love i have,

aidy <3

[waterberry-strawmelon]

dungeons and daddies season 2 rant!

this is mostly a vent post bc i’m just not a huge fan of the way the stakes in this story have been handled in the 2nd season so far! obviously i love the podcast so this is no hate on it, but i just wanted to get this out there and see if anyone else feels similarly, or if perhaps season 2 gets a little less messy and forcibly dramatic later on!

*Note: As of right now, I just finished Episode 13—aka the huge lore dump episode lmao! So maybe things get better after this and i just dont know it yet!

This is a lot of word vomit cuz I wrote down all my thoughts in my notes app on my phone stream-of-consciousness style, so if something doesn’t make sense, that’s why!

My problem with season 2 is that the rules of the world and of the story keep changing. The rules of the GAME aren’t changing, but the verisimilitude of the story itself is—they’re playing Calvin Ball with our suspension of disbelief, and it’s not working for me.

It’s like the Steven Universe Future thing of suddenly going against the previously-established rules of cartoon logic; suddenly we’re NOT supposed to laugh at cartoon slapstick and instead supposed to now see it as REAL INJURY that just…healed. But that breaks the audience contract!!

In Dungeons and Daddies, we’re supposed to believe that a lot of these jokes in season 1 don’t really matter. So when they DO in season 2, that’s not what had been implicitly agreed upon by the audience and the creators/writers about the story. 

So with this in mind, that we are now supposed to believe that these characters’ actions have real consequences. Willy Stampler is an abuser. If we’re trying to do a redemption arc, we need to fucking SEE that.

For this season to represent growing up and realizing that adults are fucked up and make fucked up choices and can grow and change and get better or get worse or maybe weren’t ever as great as you thought it was. Those are cool ideas! But for us to take them seriously, they’ve got to be handled with care; we can’t just be told these adults made fucked up choices and when it was posited as a joke, only for it to actually be SERIOUS (i.e., if for example, henry and darryl kissed in season 1 and it was played as a joke that may or may not have actually happened, it’s never addressed again, so it’s really not heavily staked in canon—then you cannot in season 2 say that actually, darryl and henry had a lot of tension after they got back to earth and it was awkward for the rest of their lives, but we didn’t see it it just happened off-screen, trust me. BECAUSE THAT’S NOT HOW IT WAS TREATED IN SEASON 1!!! YOU CAN’T REWRITE WHAT’S ALREADY HAPPENED—IT DESTROYS OUR BELIEF IN ANYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN THE STORY. SHOULD I TAKE THINGS AS JOKES, OR LITERALLY? If I took all the stupid shit in this podcast as real and genuine and serious, then this would not be a story i wanted to watch, because literally every character is an asshole. But that’s not how the story is sold to us!

It’s kind of like how ultimately, all the dads in S1 were kinda shitty, because they were played by actors playing Dungeons and Dragons as a comedy podcast. If the podcast had treated that stuff seriously, it would’ve been an ENTIRELY different tone, and no longer comedic. But now suddenly we’re supposed to take all that shittiness as if it WERE serious fact! But that wasn’t the implicit contract we’d agreed upon by engaging in this “comedy podcast” story!!!!!!!

I think it’s cool how the new dads/S1 sons are essentially acting just like the dads in S1 did, only we’re seeing from the kids’ perspective how it actually affected them. 

But at the same time…idk. It’s like you’re mixing metaphors. It doesn’t resonate with me, because i can’t be invested in any of it. Are the jokes real? I can’t get a feel for what kind of emotional weight i should be granting any and all of what the characters say and do.

The best thing about S1 is that it didn’t have to be believable; but in S2, they’re trying to make us believe in this stuff that’s not believable. So you’re losing my trust and interest in this narrative, y’know?

AND FURTHERMORE!!!!! I hate that Willy’s character has now been reduced to “narcissist = bad (which on its own is…not a great narrative to deliver about ppl with personality disorders), but he was in prison for a long time and realized he was mean so now he’s a nice guy! forgiveness <3.”

As if he didn’t abuse his son. ajskfmxghgjk. idk what kinda shit anthony’s trying to tell with this. it doesn’t have to have a moral or soapbox moment or whatever, but it almost erases the POWER of Ron’s arc in Season 1. by getting forgiveness from the narrative, without getting forgiveness from his actual victim.

This feels like a Rian Johnson movie just trying to be quirky and “subvert expectations ooooooooOOOoOoOoo” without that subversion actually feeling REWARDING or EARNED or JUSTIFIED.

In my personal opinion, I think it’s just not as strong a choice to try and get into character work this early in the story, as compared to the pacing of Season 1. Sure, we did get some good Ron growth for an episode at like… episode 14? But the dads didn’t get actual ARCS until after the halfway mark!!!!!!!! Sometimes they really didn’t even resolve themselves until episode 66—three episodes before the final episode.

and it feels like a lot of these story beats are trying to do the work of character arcs without setting up a sturdy enough character foundation to begin with.

i saw a lot of fans online praising the choice to have such important plot stuff happen so early, and while i agree the previous monster-of-the-week formula was getting a little dull, i also don’t think the characters have really felt fleshed out enough yet to get thrown into this sort of thing. like, i personally dont really care about scary’s complicated feelings because i havent had 30 episodes to get to know her yet (and more importantly—neither has BETH. the actors themselves are still figuring out their characters!) the characters’ emotional beats it feel much more rushed and much more forced, imo. which makes the foundations of this story feel unsteady, bc i dont have any handholds to come back to and connect with. i havent been able to connect with the characters OR the story yet, so having all this thrown at me as if it’s really meaningful just falls flat.

Overall, timeskips need to be handled with care. If we jump forward in time and suddenly everything’s different—just for the sake of uncomfortability and subverting expectations—you’ve really got to justify those character changes within the narrative. And so far, nothing’s feeling particularly justified. At least—you have to do this if you want your story to be meaningful and/or SAY something about TRUTHS in OUR WORLD outside of this fictional narrative.

I can tolerate all this nonsense if it’s not actually trying to reflect anything in real life, but if I’m supposed to take this story seriously as a funhouse mirror representation of real world themes, then you’ve got justify your narrative choices. Otherwise, you’re just confusing your actual motive.

Basically, to try and be comedic AND have real world dramatic tensions and significance and themes to connect with an audience, the drama and comedy cannot come from the same place.

Here’s an example: In Jojo Rabbit, the comedy comes from pointing out and emphasizing the ridiculousness of the Nazis’ ideology. The film does not derive its comedy from the most dramatic, real-world-reflective moments: the human connection between Elsa and Jojo, or Jojo and his mom; the danger Elsa found herself in under Nazi oppression; parental death; etc.

And vice versa, the comedic moments are not the emotional crux of the story. Even Jojo’s violent accident is played more lightheartedly; if they were to make THIS event (the grenade exploding and almost killing Jojo—a ten year old child) the driving tension of the film, then for us to feel actually INVESTED, it could not have been played as comedic as it was (i.e., the scene where they’re rushing him into the hospital on the gurney and his bloody thumb’s up pops into frame).

 Dungeons and Daddies Season 2, on the other hand, takes these emotional beats that have already been established for COMEDY, and tries to turn THAT into the dramatic, emotional crux of the show. And i as a viewer am just not as likely to be invested in that conflict or dramatic tension or to find the messaging about real life to be saying anything particularly resonant or meaningful.

TLDR: Dungeons and Daddies Season Two suffers from GENRE CONFUSION!!!!!!!

If ultimately Anthony and the rest of the gang are trying to say, “This is what life is like sometimes!” (which is, imo, what EVERY dramatic story is trying to say), then they’re not actually doing that, because they’re manufacturing these situations to fit what they want to say, rather than presenting the narrative first AND THEN ALLOWING THE MEANING TO DEVELOP NATURALLY FROM THE RESULTING EMOTIONS!!!!!!! Fuck!!!!!!

So basically, it’s still easy for me to enjoy the show—but the narrative does not provide me with enough material for ANY EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT, and that is really disappointing :(

[ravenelyx]

For the fic writer thing/ 💔⏳✅

Hellooo and thank you for this 🥲🥲

Link to emoji ask game

💔 Is there a fic of yours that broke your heart?

Not any that's published yet (aside from ch 1 of ilyet, which kiiiinda made me very sad, yes 🥲) As of now: the ending of one that I'm working on (that is fr the worst ever) and one that will probably be published this evening if I don't act like a lazy idiot again istg (i was thinking of a sad ending for it but the public doesn't agree - so it's less heartbreaking but still 💔)

⌛ How long does it take you to write a fic, or a chapter?

WELL.

I think everyone and their dog has seen how slow I am, yes.💀 There are days when I go on a tangent and write more than 4k words a day, while there are others in which my brain is just... fried. But what really makes my writing REALLY slow is the editing process: having to check english grammar mistakes and rewriting passages bc I'm never satisfied is really exhausting, not to mention the fact that when I write a long text, the words start feeling "weird" and they stop making sense to me (my brain simply refuses to consider english as a language anymore and it becomes quite literally word vomit - or, in a way, how my first language would sound like if it received special treatment from google translate 🥲)

✅ What's something that appears in your fics over and over and over again, even if you don't mean to?

Boys being pathet- COUGH

A lot of descriptions during dialogues ('She smiled', 'he said', 'she did this', 'he did that'... blah blah blah) to the point they become almost "heavy" to read... and I have to go back and change them.

A lot of dialogues in general: I like to describe things by speaking, so yes, while I add a lot of descriptors as well, I really like seeing my characters speak (and that really strings it out but honestly idc).

Emotions. Emotions everywhere. I like getting into their heads and describe things in the most visceral, stream-of-consciousness type of way. That means paragraphs of characters losing their minds (although I don't do it as well as I wish I could. I'm still learning).

Boys being malewives himb- COUGH

[astrobei]

hi suni!! 73, 90, and 94 for the writer asks if u feel like it <33

hi parker :^)) i need u to know i tried posting this like 4 times and every time it would not save my answer to the last question so !! FIFTH TIME’S THE CHARM !!

73. how do you visualize scenes? do you see it like a movie in your head, or do the words just flow?

oh this is so interesting and one of those things i don’t rly think about while i’m writing bc it just Happens? but now that i’m thinking about it i definitely definitely see things kind of like. acted out in my head !! especially when describing body language and dialogue and stuff like that it’s super helpful and easier than descriptions or prose because i just get this mental picture in my head of the scene and i can like hear the characters talking kind of and i just write down the dialogue/movements/setting as i see it or as it unfolds in my Mind. if that makes sense !! thinking about it i feel like writing is actually more visual than descriptive for me because i really do just see stuff in my head and just describe what i’m picturing and i think the reason why i get so carried away with scenes where there’s a lot of dialogue/movement is because i am but a mere meat vessel that exists for transcribing whatever my Brain sees

90. do you notice your own voice in your writing style?

oh my god yes 100% !! even as someone who finds it hard to objectively perceive their own writing(i can’t for the life of me tell you what i think my style is or anything) but genuinely whenever i write it’s just a stream of my own consciousness and i think it shows !! especially when i write mike and his internal monologue im literally just getting momentarily possessed by his spirit and then word vomiting onto the google doc <3 what’s also funny is that i’ve had 3 different people send me this line from my fake dating fic and say “you” bc i really do just. threaten to hit things with a stick on a daily basis so. short answer: Yes !

94. do you prefer dialogue or description?

ooooh i would say dialogue !! it comes a lot easier to me and that’s where the bulk of my Overwriting problem lies because i just think it’s so much fun !! especially like. silly lighthearted banter and flirting and for building tension and when i’m visualizing a scene in my head the flow of conversation back and forth is a lot easier for me to picture than describing something and it feeling a bit repetitive if that makes sense? plus i feel like the characters’ voices really get to come through !! i love my inner monologue and description of course but dialogue is definitely where i get carried away :^)

[mjjune]

Writer Tag Game

Thanks so much for the tag @vacantgodling and @ceph-the-ghost-writer !!

Tagging @jamieanovels @bebewrites and @isabellebissonrouthier !

Putting it under the cut cuz it got long haha

Do you write in order?

Mostly yeah! If I don't, it's probably because I got halfway, thought of something I want to add, and I'll go back and add it before I continue. But other than that, yeah 100% in order.

Do you start with something in particular?

Hmm I do tend to have prologues or some type of intro. I also tend to start with something grabbing, either in sarcasm or distinct voice or something action-y to draw you in.

How fully formed does your writing come out the first try?

I'd say 60-70%??? Never really thought about it but I would say at least that. Mostly my editing/redrafting is because I find issues or things I want to change, but from the original idea, I would say it's usually pretty full formed -- I just have to SEE the idea as whole before I can really find/fix the problems there.

How many drafts do you go through?

AVOF had 8. I'm hoping to have 2-3 of TWTR. I've never finished anything else lmao

Tell me about your process?

I consider myself a "Plantser" to use nanowrimo lingo. I plot, but I keep it loose-ish, and open to changes once I actually start writing.

I start with what I call my Word Vomit Plot, which is literally massive paragraphs of my stream of consciousness of the entire plot start to finish. Then I read it a few times, flesh it out as much as I can, maybe do a bit of worldbuilding and character names/designs, and find and fix any glaring plot holes. Then I separate it out into bullet points, with one bullet per scene/chapter.

And then I write. I write at least a paragraph per day -- typically I shoot for 1-2k words per day -- until the novel is finished. If something goes off on a tangent or another direction than my outline, I will pause and edit the outline to accommodate and see the direction clearer in my head.

Goal of 1-2k words. Everyday. No days off. Until it is done. (With exceptions like, if a crisis or illness happens or something lol).

This is Draft 0.

Then, I do basic spellcheck. If I think it's coherent as is, I send to an Alpha Reader. If not, I will do whatever changes need to be done to make it coherent and then send to an Alpha Reader.

And then... I see what the alpha says. Edit -- making it now officially Draft 1 -- and then start beta readers.

This is way oversimplified, ofc. But that's the gist.

[everythingismadeofchaos]

Okay: I'm doing it again. This is my absolute 100% guaranteed cure for writer's block.

Have you ever had a pull start mower or something that wouldn't start? You know how it gets kind of exhausting to yank the cord over and over again? This is like cheating by doing it with a drill. Work the bad gas through the system and get it running again.

So here's what you do. I take an edible for this; I'm a lightweight so it's not much, but you can do it or you can just not do it. Whatever works for you.

You're trying to do your best and write well. You don't want to be like some hack, some idiot who can't write for shit, who only writes garbage; like yourself 10 years ago for example. I'm sure you've had the same experiences I have looking back at your older work and just being terribly embarrassed. Anybody can write garbage. You want to be a real writer.

But that's just it. Anybody can write garbage. So just write some garbage. Really just do a bunch of word vomit all over the page. This isn't going to rise to the level of a first draft. Hell, it barely even has to be legible. A cheat that I learned because it's so hard for me to write while I'm using edibles is to use voice typing to actually put the words down, and then using a separate device, like you can use a GoPro or an old phone that you have that still works but doesn't function as a phone, you record the audio of the whole session. You're not after good stuff, you're after volume. It's a little bit like drilling a core sample through a bunch of useless rock to figure out where the diamonds are.

Ignore punctuation, capitalization, and spelling, unless you have to go back and change it for clarity; the point is to go back as little as possible, to just keep barging forward. You don't want to go; you want to hurtle. You don't want flawless and shiny and streamlined; you want junky and with character and little parts are falling off. Star Wars nerds will know what the word "greeblies" means. Write a mess.

And just keep going. Go for bulk. What the fuck? You say. Nobody would read this. Why would anybody read this? This is garbage. But no, that's exactly the assignment. Your assignment is to just write bulk, stream of consciousness nonsensical claptrap. Write your ass off. Produce as much as you can. Do not stop and do not look back unless the words you're writing are illegible. If you're choosing to use pen and ink, just make sure you can decipher them later. If your voice to text totally garbles the sentence, go back and change it, but only enough so that you know what it says. One thing I find helpful is that if you're doing fantasy stuff change the names of your characters from things like "T'Pol", which is not in any spelling dictionary that I'm aware of, to something like "depaul", which is just what this thing wrote when I was trying to say that word. Then make a note to substitute later and keep barging forward.

Just write like crazy. Then later, you'll have a recovery. Where you get to rest. (Ha! I just typed "... you'll have a recovery period where ..." and that's what it gave me. This is what I'm talking about. You know what it says.) Don't worry about real clarity, your audience is yourself.

You know what else anybody can do? Anybody can criticize. And that's you. Go back later and criticize. Sift through the whole thing looking for gemstones. Don't worry, this is just practice. Muhammad Ali never worried about a single push-up; he just made sure he did a gajillion push-ups a day or whatever. Actually I don't know if Muhammad Ali actually did push-ups but you get the idea: he wasn't doing his workouts to impress people with his workouts, he was doing it to make him a better boxer later. The point of this is not to write well or even comprehensively or stay on topic or impress anybody or do anything good; you are literally trying to write masses of garbage to be thrown out later. So if you criticize this body of work that you create during this frenetic creation period and you think "this is garbage", just remember that that was the assignment and go easy on the creator; in fact give them an A+ because that's exactly what they were trying to accomplish.

I guarantee that during this sifting process you will find gems regularly. You will find little ideas, beautiful sentences, interesting word choices that add flavor, entire scenarios you can use, dialogue oh my God especially dialogue, all sorts of little pieces of writing that help you out. Think of it as having a different separate person who you implicitly trust looking over your shoulder and helping you with your writing; that person is you.

Drop all the barriers, divert life support and navigational deflector power to the warp engines and barrel forward. If you hit a speck of dust and the ship explodes then just write it down and keep going. I mean that metaphor was crap but that's kind of what I'm talking about. Don't be afraid to expose yourself to yourself; acknowledge the nonsensicality of this and fear nothing.

Oh, and enjoy the experience. It's fucking great! It's like a mosh pit when you're used to ballroom dancing. Have fun!

Edit: oh hey I forgot something. This is a separate file. It's a separate thing. You create a new document when you do this, or if you write with pen and ink in beautiful notebooks that you personalized yourself, put that aside and get a black and white notebook from the dollar store and write with bic pens. This isn't part of your novel, it isn't part of your "real" work. This is an exercise. It's going to be ugly and it's going to get sweaty and it's not going to fit. You don't have to obey the rules of the sport if you're just running to get better at the sport and the game isn't until next week. Keep it separate.

And keep writing

Me beating my head against the wall cause I'm already past my self-imposed due date on a chapter but writer's block is kicking my ass to next Sunday:

[kanerboo]

okay so... i’m just kind of needing to work out my thoughts about the blackhawks in writing for a bit, so everyone can ignore this or choose to disagree or whatever, I just need to kinda get things out of my head and get my thoughts down in some order.

1) our recent performances: the thing about this, which is something i’ve kept reiterating, is that apart from that horrid game against the flyers, we have actually NOT BEEN PLAYING AS BADLY AS OUR SCORESHEETS SUGGEST. this is the main thing that’s so baffling to me. on paper, this team is not a bad team. on ice, this team is not playing like a bad team either. and YET!!

an example below, from the carolina game yesterday, after 2 periods of play. all of our possession metrics were positive (from this tweet). and yes I know corsi is not a great stat, but it also kinda lined up with my eye test where we actually weren’t playing badly, at least for the last half of the first and throughout the whole of the second.

and yet we couldn’t buy a goal to save our life. we came close a number of times. kirby hit iron. saad came close a few times. we had a flurry of chances from the top line, and during a PP, and from nylander. and through it all mrazek, who is, let’s put it that way, not such a great goalie, was making himself look like fucking brodeur or roy with some crazy saves. when carolina was up just 1-0 through a PP goal, we literally could have pulled even or gone ahead any number of times. and the puck just was NOT GOING IN.

I DO. NOT. UNDERSTAND.

and how many times have I seen this story happen already in fewer than 10 games? it happened against the caps where we played really well and lost because we were up against a goalie standing on his head. it happened against vegas where we played our best game of the season, possibly the best game i’ve seen them play in a whole year, and still lost because of a goalie standing on his head, and to me it’s just like, how long can this go on before the players start getting demoralised that they’re doing everything right and they’re working hard and nothing is going their way? and the worst part is, that point might be happening NOW, especially based on what patrick said in his postgame last night.

2) our special teams: ok it makes absolutely zero sense to me why our special teams are so terrible this year, when we shored up our PK in the offseason and we had the league’s best PP from like what, mid-january? I know we couldn’t continue the way our PP had and eventually it’d regress towards the mean, but this isn’t even their “mean”, it’s back to the putrid days of Q. there are times it shows signs of life, like a couple of sequences against carolina, but again, when that happens, we can’t find a goal. I still don’t understand the rationale between putting nylander up on PP1 and demoting dylan to PP2 - I feel like if we had success with that particular PP1 unit last season with 19-88-17-12 then maybe we should try that? I do get maybe they’re trying to create some balance across both PP units since saad and kubalik are firing now and putting dylan there gives them some additional firepower, plus the PP1 unit had such a huge chunk of TOI during last season’s PPs and it was getting pretty unbalanced there, but come on. at this point something HAS to be done already.

as for our PK - stanbo made some really good moves in the offseason, and acquiring carpenter has been one of them. he has been great on our PK - and we know this PK can be amazing, we’ve seen them kill four minute minors and we’ve seen them score shorties - and then there are times they just completely seem to collapse. I DO NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND.

3) brings me to my third point. the coaches. specifically, marc crawford.

i’ve always liked jeremy colliton. I was a supporter of him when he first came onboard. he proved me right by leading us to the league best PP and league best points total from january onwards? something like that, I don’t remember exactly. anyway it was clear to me that by the end of last season the players had bought in to his system, they were settling into it and learning to play it well, and he’d earned their respect. and the hope was that with a full training camp he’d be able to get the team doing a lot more.

then they brought in crawford and i’m gonna be honest I hated that appointment from the start because he didn’t have a good rep with players and teams. there was an article I read about him, I can’t remember where and I can’t find it to link now, but he apparently used to treat players really badly, had shitty player management. and I didn’t like that.

and ever since he came in our lines have been fucked, our players look demoralised (but in all fairness this could be from that pattern of playing-well-and-not-winning - although if the lines and systems are instituted by crawford then fuck yeah he IS demoralising them anyway), and our special teams have gone down the drain. and from what I’ve learned, crawford is in charge of the PP and PK, so you know. you do the math.

you could argue colliton is still the head coach and therefore he should have the final say over his lines and systems. you wouldn’t be wrong either. but I personally find it hard to believe that a guy who managed to get us those PP and points in the second half of last season, who has shown serious hockey smarts and good leadership while managing the team during that time, someone usually intelligent and thoughtful when it came to his pressers and systems, is behind ALL of this bullshit.

HOWEVER. I will add that I don’t like the way he’s conducting pressers nowadays. it makes me feel like he’s throwing the team under the bus and I don’t like that AT ALL. and like I said it really surprises me because I find it hard to believe there’s such a difference from last season and this year. and I still really don’t think it’s a coincidence this season is fucking up with crawford behind the bench.

4) they need to play 91-19-88, they should have played 1988 together since at least three games ago, stop fucking experimenting with the top lines. we have two perfect, ready-made chemistry pairs that can feed off each other easy and play with almost anyone on the other wing. put them back together especially when this got us so much success last season.

I appreciate that with the emergence of kirby as a center, possibly a second or third line centre, and that solid third line of ours, dylan has been kind of moved down the pecking order. but dylan has something no one else seems to have, and that’s chemistry with alex. I mean if I could I wouldn’t want to touch the third line either, and putting kirby on the fourth line is stupid when he’s so good and he’s not a grinder and he’s actually been holding up well even when centering patrick, but it’s just. i’m never the doom and gloom type when it comes to my team, but this, this I feel is dire. maybe because of the way we play hard and play well and can’t seem to score. but just throw 1988 and 1712 back together for a few games and see what happens. it’s also not a coincidence that once 1988 got put back together they started generating offence and SOGs - which they both weren’t in previous games.

5) just to end my word vomit: I hate all the stupid fucks who are saying to “trade toews” or “fire bowman” lbr here stanbo brought in some really good trades last season and in the offseason, and like I saw one of the beats say, one of the worst parts of this whole situation is that the people he’s brought in have actually been playing well and made a difference, but the team as a whole just can’t pull out a win. and the people saying to trade jonny? lmao yeah of course because the troubles of the whole team lie on ONE MAN’S shoulders, i.e. our captain who has been actually working his ass off? i’m tired of all the shit being thrown at jonny all the time. people expect him to score 100 points when he’s not that kind of player. he’s not patrick, never has been, never should be, they’re two completely different types of players, and people NEVER seem to get that. it’s like they think oh 88 gets 100 points so 19 should too. but 88 also doesn’t play on the PK or have to forecheck and backcheck and play a hard-wearing defensive shutdown game in addition to his offensive responsibilities. the fuck? sometimes I wonder if these people actually WATCH hockey, because they don’t seem to get this and haven’t for years.

ugh, needed to get that off my chest. sorry if you actually bothered reading the whole way through ig! i’m just sad and angry and really really want my blackhawks to do well. i’m still holding out hope - i’m not giving up on this team - but I really need them to show some results. oh, and maybe for marc crawford to get fired. 

[fcxxes]

UHHH GIMME THAT UHH 🍷

send me  🍷 for an aesthetic of our muses

flowers in gutters, wind in throat, running fingers down protruding ribcages, touch soft, nails dragging. boy can’t swim, girl lives in the sea, pull me under pull me under, star-things choking and sea foam gathering on collarbones, shipwrecked. in between sea and shore, between moon and dirt and home is stardust on fingertips, waves kissing toes. home is a concept we have yet to understand. that it is not a cage. in an ideal, you never have to touch land. in an ideal, i am always kissing the stars. we pretend that we are not made from something beyond us. that our bones do not cry for someone beyond this.

[serendipitous-magic]

What is your writing advice for young people who want to write fanfiction and original stories in the near future?

If this is just Way Too Much, skip to the end (#16). My most important piece of advice is there. I also happen to think #5 is pretty good.

-_-_-_-

1) Literally just write. Write whatever you want, and do a lot of it.

_-_

2) You don’t have to post everything. In fact you don’t have to post anything. You can, don’t get me wrong, but it can be intimidating to sit down and think “I will now write something that other people will see and read and judge with their eyeballs.” Because that’s probably gonna lead to nerves and writer's block. Just write down the ideas that you have, the things you want to write, whatever’s in your brain that you want to explore and expand upon and make into something. And then if you want to, share it. Or don’t share it. I have plenty of half-baked ideas and documents and random story chapters and shit hidden away on my Google Drive that will never see the light of day, for a whole number of reasons. I wanted to write it but it wasn’t ~Spicy~ enough to warrant posting, or it’s only like an eighth of a good idea, or it’s like one scene with no story around it, or it’s just something incredibly self-indulgent I just wanted to write for my own enjoyment.

Point being, don’t write for other people. Don’t write so that other people can read it; write what you want, write for yourself, and then if you want to share it, do.

_-_

3) You can pretty much ignore any and all of these for fanfiction. In fact, you can ignore pretty much any rules or guidelines you want for fanfiction. Fanfic is a sandbox. You don’t have to be a “professional writer” to post fic. No one expects you to be Stephen King or Margaret Atwood. Fanfic is just for playing in a fandom and having fun. If you wanna write a 50 chapter slow burn with very little plot aside from the OTP slowly getting to know each other, and no real stakes or central conflict, I guarantee people would read that. Really, fanfiction is the Old West of writing: lawless, wild, unpredictable, and free.

However, here are the rules you must follow:

-Separate your paragraphs. (I’m sure you know this already, but I’m gonna say it anyway just in case.) Do not post one big block of text. Make a paragraph break when someone new is talking, when the characters are in a new place, when a new event occurs that changes the scene, when a chunk of time has passed, and when there’s a major change in subject.

-I know it’s obvious, but... grammar, punctuation, and capitalization. They exist to make writing easy for readers to read, and more people will read your stuff if they don’t have to stop and try to figure out what you meant.

-Use tags and labels, as is possible with whatever site you’re using. Especially if you include possibly triggering content in your story. Again, I know it’s obvious, but it’s common courtesy. Bonus: tagging the themes and content of your story helps readers find it and read it :)

-If possible, limit the use of all-caps and exclamation marks / question marks. 99% of the time, one ! or one ? will do. If you overload the page with a lot of all-caps and long rows of exclamation marks or question marks, it hampers readability.

... That’s literally all I can think of. And, like I said, it’s all pretty basic stuff. You were probably rolling your eyes like, “Uh, yeah, Gwen, I know.” But that’s literally it. You can pretty much do whatever you want in fanfic.

That being said, here’s my advice for both fanfiction and original work...

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4) A quick and dirty rule for coming up with a plot, starting a story, keeping up pacing, or maintaining tension: figure out what dreams, desires, and goals are nearest and dearest to your main character’s heart (see #16). Then set up the main conflict to be directly in opposition to that goal. It doesn’t have to be in a tangible way, though it could be. But, if your main character wants more than anything to reach the ships on the southern coast of your world and sail to a new life, make sure the main conflict immediately prevents them from doing that - in fact, make sure to send them north. If your main character just wants to keep their loved ones safe, kidnap the loved ones. If your main character just wants to date their best-friend-turned-crush, make sure they think they have no chance - or, make them cocky about it, and make sure it makes Person B determined not to ever like them. You get it. Figure out what your character most wants, and then keep them from having that. Boom - your conflict now ties in with your character's motivation. It's like instant yeast for plots.

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5) If you’re anything like me, you want your first draft to be Good, despite all that advice about how the first draft doesn’t have to be good and it’s just to get words on the page, yadda yadda. And if you’re somewhat of a perfectionist (like myself), it’s easy to get stuck looking at a blank page because you don’t have The Perfect Words, and you want what you write to be Good the first time.

Here’s how I cheat that:

Instead of trying to write a Good First Draft from a blank page, hit the enter key a few times, skip a little down on the page, change your ink to red (or blue, or whatever - just something immediately identifiable as Not Black) and just thought vomit. Write whatever the hell you’re thinking, exactly as you think it. Don’t worry about it being readable, don’t worry about narrative flow for now, don’t worry about covering all the details, don’t worry about anything except either a) getting all the details of your idea out onto the page, whether that’s a lot or whether it’s just a sentence or two, or b) if you don’t have an idea yet, finding your way there.

Because this method is also very good for finding your way to ideas when you’re stuck in writer’s block.

Because of how human brains work, getting this stuff out onto the page - in all its messy, stream-of-consciousness glory - will likely spark more thoughts. As you write your original idea about the scene, it’ll likely spark more ideas. Creation begets creation. If you just start thought-vomiting your ideas onto the page, chances are you’ll think of more things as you go, and you’ll start filling out description or dialogue or tone or action or whatever, and pretty soon the scene starts writing itself.

Not sure where you’re going with the scene or which ideas you wanna use? Use a lot of ambivalent language in your “thought-vomit draft.” My pre-writing notes are chock-full of the words “maybe,” “perhaps,” and the phrases, “At some point...” and “...or something like that.” In this way, I don’t tie myself down to one idea; it’s just an idea, and I’m keeping it on the page in case I use it, but I might chuck it in the trash or change it or whatever.

And then, once your ideas for the scene (or story, or chapter, or whatever) are on the page, then go back to the top and start translating them into a “real” first draft. Use black ink, and start copy-pasting chunks of the thought-vomit up into the top part of the document and translating them into Draft 1. Separate out paragraphs where paragraph breaks should be. Add the correct punctuation and whatnot. Change “describe the lobby here - include potted plants, fancy carpet, blood stain, etc.” into an actual description of the lobby. Flesh it out, or condense, or whatever it needs. And if you’re still stuck, change back to red ink and ramble some more until you find a path that feels right, then plug that in. This keeps you from looking at a blank page, and it allows you to generate a kind of Draft 0.5, somewhere between a plan and a first draft.

You don’t have to use every idea. Like I said, jot down whatever comes to mind, put a “maybe” before or after it, and keep working. If the idea grabs you and you wanna keep expanding on it and exploring it, cool. If you just wanna jot it down so you don’t forget it and then move on, also cool. Red-ink draft / “thought-vomit draft” is your time to jump around in the timeline, add or finesse details at whatever point your brain moves to, etc. Don’t try to do it exactly in story order, because you will get tangential thoughts and ideas, and you will not remember to write them down five pages later when you finally get to taking notes on that scene. Trust me. On that note...

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6) Write everything down the moment you think of it. Seriously.

“I’ll remember it when I get around to writing that scene in a couple days / weeks / months (/years).”

You won’t.

Write it down.

Phone, journal, google docs - hell, my family regularly laughs at me for grabbing a napkin during dinner and scribbling thoughts down alongside pasta sauce stains.

And then, once you have it written down somewhere...

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7) Consolidate your writing ideas in one place.

Maybe this isn’t really your style, and that’s totally chill.

Buuuut, if you’re Type-A like me - or if you tend to be somewhat unorganized and you know you’ll lose track of your writing notes if they’re scattered across multiple notebooks, journals, napkins, phone notes, etc. - having one consolidated document of notes is a life saver. I keep mine on Google Docs so I can access it, add to it, and look through it for inspiration anywhere at any time. When I have one of those Shower Thoughts that I jot down on my phone or on a napkin during dinner, I set myself a reminder on my phone to type it up in my Story Ideas document later.

(Or, if the idea I had was for a story of mine that I’ve already started planning / drafting / whatever, I put it in the document for that story instead of the Big Random Story Ideas doc. You get it.)

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8) Have other ways to collect and save writing ideas, besides just writing stuff down. If you like Pinterest, make pinterest boards of your characters or stories or settings or whatever. If you’re big into playlists, make a playlist for your character / setting / story / etc. Or both. Or something else. I’m not good at drawing, but maybe you are, and maybe you like to draw your ideas. Whatever form it takes, having another way to save ideas and think about your stories is invaluable.

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9) Some writers can just start writing with no idea where the story is going, and they just kind of figure it out as they go. I envy those writers. And I do that sometimes for fanfiction, where the stakes are somewhat lower and the audience is reading more for scene-to-scene enjoyment (and to see their OTP kiss) than for a Driving And Compelling Narrative.

But here’s the thing: especially if you’re just kind of starting out, writing without some sort of plan is really, really hard, and will likely lead you into a slow, meandering narrative that will likely frustrate you.

Even if you think you’re someone that just can’t write with a plan (and again, I have the highest respect for pansters out there - I don’t know how you do it, you crazy bastards, but you keep doing you) - even if you think “I can’t work with plans, they’re too prescriptive, I just want to write and see what happens -”

Try at least making the most skeletal of plans.

Even if you have no clue what 90% of the story is, yet. That’s fine. But you need to have some idea of what you’re building to, even if that’s nothing more specific than a feeling, or a turning point for your character. Even if your entire plan for everything beyond Chapter 1 is, “At some point, Charlie needs to realize that Ed was lying to her.”

This is where those Draft 0.5 notes come in handy. Because, more than likely, working on your current scene that way will spark ideas for later scenes, which you can put down at the bottom of the document and save for when they become relevant. In my experience, the line between planning ahead and making a Draft 0.5 is exceptionally thin. One can quickly turn into the other.

If you’re really, really resistant to the idea of planning ahead, that’s okay. It’s not everybody’s style. But for the love of all that is holy, write down your ideas for future scenes, even if you’re a person that doesn’t like to plan and writes only in story order, because you will not remember that idea once you get to that scene.

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10) You don’t have to write in order.

Here’s the thing: I’m a person that can only do my Draft 1 in story order (meaning, chronological order). I just have to be in that flow; I need to write in story order for me to best channel where the character is at from scene to scene, both narratively and emotionally.

But my Thought Vomit Draft is another thing entirely. By using the brain hack of putting my notes in red (or another color, it doesn’t matter) and going down to the bottom of the document / page and taking notes there, and then integrating them into whatever plan I have, and then translating them into Draft 1 once I get there in the story - by doing that, I can get my good ideas onto the page (and expound upon them and let my muse carry me and ride that momentum while I’m in the moment of inspiration) without writing out of order.

Maybe that’s just me. But if you’re a person who really prefers to write in story order, that could be hugely helpful to you. It is to me.

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11) Emotion and motivation will do more for your story than technicalities of plot.

If your characters really care about something, and their journey through the (shaky or weak) plot is emotionally engaging, it will be a much more compelling story than a story with a “perfect” plot and unrelatable or unmotivated characters.

If your characters care about what they’re doing, and it means something to them, and their goals and actions are driven by dreams or fears or emotions that are integral to who they are, your audience will care too. If you have a perfectly crafted plot that hits all the right beats and has high stakes and fast pacing and drama - but your characters don’t connect with what’s happening in a way that’s deeply meaningful or emotional for them? You’re gonna have a hard time engaging readers.

When in doubt, prioritize character emotion and motivation over plot. Emotion is what drives story.

This power is highly exploitable. (Just look at pulp novels and shitty but entertaining movies.) You can even use it to glaze over plot holes or reinvigorate a limp narrative. Use it that way sparingly, though. It’s a band-aid, not a surgery. 

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12) Evil villains are hard to write - mostly because there are very few truly evil people in the world. (There are a few. Billionaires and several big name politicians come to mind.) But by and large, there aren’t that many evil people. There are plenty of bad people, but bad people have some good in them, somewhere in there. Trying to write an evil villain is hard, because they often turn very cartoony.

Here’s a tip: it’s much easier to write antagonists who aren’t evil. Even if they’re bad people. Of course, there’s no reason you can’t write a villain that’s just truly evil - a serial killer, or an abuser, or a billionaire, or someone who legit just wants to hurt people or blow up the earth or stay in control of an oppressed population, or whatever. But chances are, it’s gonna be really hard to make them feel real, and even harder to create a plot around them that doesn’t feel forced or contrived.

Instead, try writing an antagonist / villain whose motivations and goals directly clash with your protagonist’s - but not because they want to take over the world or see people suffer. Write an antagonist who’s chaotic good, but whose perception of the situation is completely opposite from your hero’s. Write an antagonist whose only desire is to save people, and who will do anything to achieve that goal - anything. Write an antagonist who believes in the letter of the law, and will hinder and oppose the hero’s methods even if they agree with the hero’s motivation. Write an antagonist who got in way over their head and did some things they regret, and now they don’t know how to get out, and they’re doing their best but whatever they set in motion is too powerful for them to stop now.

Write villains who are human. Write a killer who thought they were doing the right thing by taking their victim out of the equation, who vomits at the sight of the body and sobs over the grave they dig. Write a government leader who truly believes she’s doing what’s best for her people in the long-term, even if it might hurt them in the short term, and is willing to endure the hatred and belligerence of the masses if it means securing what she thinks is a better future for her people. Write a teenage bully that thinks they’re the one being picked on by the world, and they’re just fighting back, standing their ground. Write a scientist who will break any code of ethics and hurt anyone he needs to - in order to bring back his baby sister from the grave, because he promised her he’d protect her and he failed. Write an antagonist who is selfish and self-centered and capricious - because in order to survive they had to look out for Number One, and that habit ain’t about to break anytime soon.

Write villains who aren’t even villains. Write antagonists who oppose the hero because of moral differences. Write antagonists who are trying to do the right thing. Write antagonists who treat the heroes with kindness and dignity and respect and gentleness.

They don’t have to be good. They don’t have to be Misunderstood Sweethearts who “deserve” a redemption arc. They can be cruel and nasty and dismissive and callous and violent and etc. etc.

Just hesitate before you make them Evil-with-a-capital-E. Because evil is hard to write, and honestly, boring to read. Flawed human beings with goals and motivations that directly oppose the main characters’ are much easier to write and much more interesting to read.

Ask why. Why is your villain trying to take over the world? What does that even mean? Are they trying to create a Star-Trek-like post-capitalism utopia, but they know that won’t happen in a million lifetimes, so they’re trying to do it by force? Are they actually super in favor of human rights, but they got very impatient waiting for the world to do anything about poverty and war, so they decided to take it into their own hands? Are they determined to fix the world - no matter the cost? Are they terrified and overwhelmed, but committed to see it through to the end? Or - maybe they’re just doing it on a dare. Maybe they don’t really give a shit about world domination, they were just a mediocre rich white guy who decided to fuck around and find out, and now he’s kind of curious how far he can take this thing. And now he’s kind of an internationally-wanted criminal, so he’s kind of stuck living on his hidden private island in his multi-billion dollar secret base, strapping lasers to sharks’ heads for the hell of it. Gross, selfish, uncaring, and dangerous? For sure. Evil? Depends on your definition. See, now we’re getting somewhere.

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13) It’s tempting to let the plot control the characters. It’s easy to drop your characters into a situation and see how they react. But here’s the thing: that doesn’t drive plot. In fact, it bogs down pacing. Instead, try to build you plot off of your characters’ actions and decisions. Let your character build their own situation. Not to say it should go they way they wanted it to go; in fact, usually, their grand plans should go to hell very quickly. But having the characters take action and make decisions, and letting the plot develop based on that, is much easier to make compelling than making a rigid series of events and then trying to herd your characters into them.

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14) Having trouble justifying a character’s actions? Consider having them make the opposite decision, or having them approach the situation in a different way. For example: you need your character to go meet the bad guy, for plot reasons, even though there’s no way it’s not a trap. If the character goes, readers are gonna be groaning with their head in their hands, because c’mon man, that was really fucking stupid. But he’s gotta go, because the plot needs that. Two ways you might handle this: a) He knows it’s probably a trap. He decides not to go. The plot conspires to get him near the villain anyway. Or, b) He knows it’s a trap. But he needs to go, for (insert reasons here). So, he approaches it in an unexpected way. He brings backup, recruiting a side character we met earlier in the story. Or he arrives on the back of a dragon, because ain’t nobody gonna fuck with a dude on a dragon. Or he goes - early, and ambushes the villain. It may work, it may not. He may get himself kidnapped anyway. But it moves the plot along without having Stupid Hero Syndrome.

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15) This is a legit piece of advice: if all of this sounds overwhelming, literally just ignore it and write what you want. For real. Writing should be fun, and every single writer operates differently. If you’re sitting here like “I’m getting stressed just reading this,” just flip me a good-natured bird and get on with your life. I promise I won’t take it personally. Same goes for literally any other writing advice you see. Lots of rules and guidelines can very quickly make anything thoroughly un-fun. Just write. If you’re passionate about it and you do it for long enough, you’ll start figuring out the tips and tricks on your own.

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16) Here’s the best piece of advice I can give you: know your characters. More importantly, know what’s important to them. Build their personality and decisions off of that, and build your plot off of their decisions.

I see a lot of character building sheets that ask a shit-ton of questions like “What’s their most prized possession?” “Do they like their family?” “What’s their favorite food?”

And while these are good questions, my problem with this type of character building is that if you start there, with the little stuff, you’re building on nothing. IMO, to make a truly strong character (not strong like Inner Strength, strong like effective), you need a strong foundation.

Here are the things you must know about your character:

a) What are their greatest fears / deepest insecurities? And I don’t mean “wasps” or “heights.” I mean the deep shit. I mean fears like “living a meaningless life,” or “turning out just like their parents,” or “that no one will ever love them,” or “being powerless.” You may say, “But they’re really scared of wasps! They fall into a wasp nest when they were little and got stung so much they almost died!” Great! That’s a fantastic bit of backstory. They should absolutely be afraid of wasps, and that should absolutely be an impediment later in the story. But dig deeper. What about that event actually scarred them? Was it the helplessness? Stumbling around, swatting at the air, not being able to do a single thing to stop what was happening to them? Was it that they were alone, and no matter how loud they screamed, no one was coming? Was it the bodily horror of feeling themself turn into an inhuman creature as they swelled up from the stings, unable to move their fingers or face normally anymore?

And don’t forget insecurities, because those factor in, too. Are they deeply insecure about their identity? Do they believe, deep down, that they’re ugly? Did they grow up poor and they’ve always been really touchy about that? Why? Dig deep. Figure out what really, really bothers them.

b) What are their hopes and dreams? What do they truly want out of life? What do they consider the most valuable to their experience here in this thing called life? Is it the freedom to forge their own path and be independent? Is it the approval of their family or peers? Is it a home? Is it knowledge, or understanding? Spiritual fulfillment? Is it deeply important to them that they contribute to their community, or protect those they love? What do they need in order to feel truly and deeply fulfilled in life?

Figure out those two things (each one encompasses several things, btw, you don’t have to stop at just one for each), and then use that to inform how they behave and the types of decisions they make within the story. 

It also informs character behavior and personality. 

Let’s say we have a character who’s afraid of helplessness. They’re probably gonna be the person that always wants to do something, try something, no matter how hopeless the situation seems. They’d despise just sitting and waiting, probably, because it makes them feel powerless. They might even be the person that makes rash decisions and acts impulsively and puts themself in danger unnecessarily, because in their mind it’s better than being at the mercy of fate. This is one way you could use a character’s personality to inform their decisions, which in turn helps to inform plot.

Or, let’s say we have a character whose greatest fear is being left behind or forgotten. We may have a chatterbox on our hands. They might be obnoxious. They might love the spotlight, constantly vying for attention no matter the situation, because deep down they’re so afraid that they’d be forgotten otherwise. Or, it may go the opposite way. They may be so afraid of people leaving them that they’re terrified of bothering people. They don’t want to do anything that could annoy people, anything that might give people a reason to leave them. They might be exceedingly polite, quiet, accommodating. A push-over, really.

These are two nearly opposite types of personalities, both stemming from the same core fear/insecurity. You can go a lot of different ways with it. But if you build on that strong foundation, you’ll have a strong character, and a stronger plot.

Likewise, the structure of your story can and should inform the design of these character traits. If you need your characters to team up near the end, it may be impactful if you give your main character a deep fear of commitment, an insecurity about being unwanted or left behind, and make them highly value independence and freedom. That could make their team-up for the final battle very meaningful. Conversely, you can use your character’s deepest fears and desires to help design the plot. Is your character deeply insecure about voicing their opinions or taking a stand, because of trauma they faced in the past? Make them face that. Build that into the climactic third act. Give them the big inspirational speech where they stand up and talk about what they believe to be important, what they think the group should do. And then design that character arc to run through the story, giving you more handholds and stepping stones, more pieces of foundation on which to design the plot.

In this way, character should inform story as much as story informs character. It’s a feedback loop.

Bonus: if you build your character and your plot off of each other in this way, it automatically starts to build in the foundations of that emotional investment I mentioned earlier. If your character’s decisions are based on what they most want and do not want in life, you basically have your character motivation and stakes pre-built.

Note: you need to know these things about your villain, too.

-_-_-

I’m genuinely sorry about the length of this, lmao. But you did ask.

Best of luck!

Edit: I forgot an important one:

17) Start when the scene starts and end when the scene ends.

What do I mean by that?

If your notes say “Danny asks Nicole out after school and majorly flubs it,” start the scene when Danny approaches Nicole after school. Better yet, cold-open the scene on “I was wondering if, you know, you’d wanna. You know. Hang out some time?”

Don’t start that morning when Danny goes to school, unless you’re gonna cover the school day in like one or two sentences. Don’t spend whole paragraphs going through the school day, unless it’s to cover other plot points first (in which case apply these same guidelines there), or if the paragraphs are there for a specific reason, like to illustrate how stressed he is and how it seems like every little thing is going wrong. Even then, trim the fat as much as possible. Expounding and describing everything Moment-to-moment is for the meat of the scenes, not the leading-up-to and coming-away-from.

Here’s my rule of thumb: study how and when movies cut from scene to scene. Movies have exceptionally strict, limited time for storytelling; they’re excellent examples of starting a scene when the plot point starts and ending when it’s over. If you can’t picture a movie showing everything you showed, start the scene later and end it earlier.

[mittelan]

just me fangirling nbd

I have so many thoughts in my head after read ‘I Want to Hold Aono-kun so Badly I Could Die’ AKA 青野くんに触りたいから死にたい, 想要觸碰青野君所以我想死. Whew what a long title in both languages. After a recommendation from a youtuber I follow I gave it a read, as supernatural shenanigans are my JAM.

And this was top tier jam for me.

Here’s the official summary: I would die if it would allow me to touch you. That is my love. Airhead Yuri-chan and her boyfriend Aono-kun had a perfectly normal relationship until one day Aono-kun suddenly “passed away” … They will never be bound together, and they cannot even touch. This is their difficult and almost too sincere love story.

I absolutely loved it. I immediately went scouring the internet for reviews or even just thoughts of the manga. But I barely got any reviews that reviewed all 8 volumes of the english release, and adding reddit to the end of the title just gave me posts of people wanting to talk about it with others with zero responses or just a general recommendation. Maybe because it’s in Kodansha’s digital jail? Who knows.

This is me screaming into the void about how much I love the series. I hunkered down and reread it for the next couple of days savoring it. I think because of how hard it is to find media that I really enjoy these days, I tend to obsess for a good while.

OK, I won’t deny the art isn’t going to be winning any awards anytime soon. However, rather than being rough, I would say it’s simple. It doesn’t look bad in my opinion, but it also doesn’t stand out much. I read a review where he felt the art would be something you’d see in a comedy series rather than a horror romance series. I agree, it kind of reminds me of ‘Yugami-kun Doesn’t Have Any Friends’ art. To be fair there is quite a bit of comedy in the series. I feel the art does get better in the more recent chapters, some chapters have stunning panels (when Yuri is chasing dark Aono, and the dream she had come to mind), and the covers are beautifully done as well.

And this may be a pro just for me but it doesn’t feel that male gazey if that makes sense. Being a seinen I’m not surprised sex is brought up within the story. Yuri’s underwear is seen a few times, but because the art is simple it doesn’t feel gratuitous. It could also be because the author is a woman tho (I believe the author is a woman as mangaupdates list her as a female and Umi Shiina sounds like a woman’s name). I feel where a more fanservicey inclined author would show more, Shiina shows us enough to get the gist of their love/lust and cuts to the next scene. ALSO rather than feeling like fanservice the racier bits feel more like horny pent up teens being uhhhhh horny pent up teens. They can’t even touch, I’m not surprised they get all frisky when they can LMAO.

Here’s where I’m gonna word vomit my spoilery thoughts, as I think volume 9 won’t be out till the end of the year (probably I’m just guessing after looking at their past release schedule) so I want to refer to this if I forget.

Also this is a stream of consciousness in retrospect. I honestly don’t expect anyone to read this LMAO.

Ok so, I wonder about the beginning of their relationship. Yuri fell for him because he was nice to her literally once. In all honesty I suspect this is the first time someone was nice to her in years given her sister. So while her response to Aono’s kindness is honestly out of proportion, I wonder what the timeline was for her older sister. So long as her older sister lived with her, Yuri could not form any meaningful or healthy relationships. Yuri has very low self worth I think? I believe her sister is seven years older than her, yuri I believe is 16 (or 17?) at the start so her sister is what 23 or 24? And it seems she had left home for a year already (don’t quote me on this tho lmao) for her job before she quit and came back for whatever reason in recent chapters. I have no idea if she commuted to college from her house or if she lived elsewhere during her university years. I’m guessing she commuted to college maybe? maybe??/??? Idk. I’m just thinking, why was Yuri in her 2nd year of highschool (so like 11th grade?) without any friends. The flashback of her during elementary school shows why that was the case, as her sister guilt trips her and makes ultimatums when Yuri tries to hang out with her friend, causing Yuri to come across as unreliable and flaky to her peers. I could see her doing that during middle school as well… but her first year of high school… hmmm. Perhaps at that age it’s simply hard to make friends after a certain point. It could also be that though Yuri may not be conscious of it, she perhaps had a habit of remaining distant from her peers. I guess it’s not too surprising she ‘imprints’ (aono’s words not mine lol) on Aono after their encounter. She is a teenage girl after all, it’s not weird that even though she seems to be a bit of a loner, she is gung ho at the thought of dating a nice boyfriend. And the timing perfect, as her sister wouldn’t be around to fuck shit up… Though I will say, Yuri normalized her sister’s behavior at this point so idk.

Aono on the other hand is an enigma, especially after the recent revelation from his younger brother (teppei). Thinking about it more however, we know that they were not close at the time of Aono’s death (not in the sense they hated each other, though I’m sure teppei holds mixed/bitter feelings towards aono, I get the impression they were simply distant). However I thought about it more because I like to think a lot apparently, and I stupidly realized that a traffic accident in Japan ain’t the same thing as one over here. I know Aono couldn’t drive, so the only way to explain his death is that he was hit by a car. No one said it was a car accident and the rest of his family is fine as well. However that still doesn’t mean he committed suicide for sure though. I mean he could have, but it could have been an accident. Only Aono knows at this point. And Teppei already has his own misconception of Aono, though ofc I don’t blame him. But I wouldn’t say he understands the inner workings of aono’s mind better than Yuri or even fujimoto.

But if he did commit suicide it does spin things around right???? When I reread the first chapter I wonder if it was guilt he was feeling when he realized his suicide would cause Yuri to attempt suicide? Or was he just feeling bad in general about being the cause of her suicide attempt. He is a nice dude after all but HMMMMMM. Also thinking about it there is a general theme of … anti suicideness (ok DUH)?? Anti lonerness??? I mean I guess you could say the power of friendship…… but it’s more like, “you guys are not alone in this, and we will all try to figure out a way to fix the situation” ok I guess it's the power of friendship. But the story/characters point out when Yuri’s selfless and thoughtless (as in, so long as it only harms me idc) actions cause harm to others. Or when she says to Hirota that he doesn’t have to feel sorry for those who harm him. Both Yuri and Hiroto also had similar thoughts when they realized they could see the ghost of their loved ones, they didn’t care what would happen to themselves. And both eventually realize that the consequences of their choices harm more than just themselves.

I have to wonder what aono thought about her during the two weeks they were dating. I get the feeling initially he feels somewhat responsible for her and sticks around because of that after his death. As much as I like Yuri, the girl IS a bit unhinged. But it’s lovely to see them grow as people, and their attempts to make their relationship more healthy. There is some drama/tension in their relationship because well, aono is dead and as much as they wish for it, they can’t have a normal relationship. And fujimoto is shown to have feelings for Yuri as well, though at this point he has no plans on acting upon it. But Aono knows so uhhhh. 

Back to aono tho woops. There's his mother. I truly have no idea how accurate teppei’s claim that aono killed her is. Whatever the case, it was deemed a suicide. This was 5 years ago I believe? I don’t really know if a 12/11 year old can coerce someone into suicide. (Though I will say aono does mention he’s not as nice as he seems. Perhaps he feels guilt for his role in her death? If he even had one. He was like 10 ok. Not saying that he couldn’t have been mean to her, but his mom seemed unstable to begin with.) Or hide a murder. Their relationship was giving off incest vibes as well. Hate to get all jungian or whatever but the odd relationship with his mother probably explains why Aono was a crazy magnet. What’s really mysterious is… the ghost of her that we see. It’s weird. If we are to take Horie’s theory about ghosts as absolutely correct (tho who knows, maybe we’ll be proven wrong later) then it can’t be her, rather an offshoot of Aono for some reason. Perhaps his mother’s suicide formed a contract between them, but I don’t think different ghosts can interact with each other in this setting. Dark Aono said that if Yuri were to die, they’d never see each other again, somewhat confirming this theory. And in the small epilogue for Sota, it looks like he couldn’t see anyone in his world, and I doubt anyone could see him. Though I noticed he seemed to have a shadow. Whatever this ultimately means though… no clue. But it’s weird as when aono’s mother initially appears, neither of them can see her. Also when Yuri is possessed, she keeps seeing his mother (well… her feet lmao), and dark aono even seems scared/wary of her? He makes sure that Yuri hides from her so there’s that.

BUT ALSO, I think only Yuri is able to form a contract with ghosts. The ghost girl’s grandmother mentions that Kariya’s have some kind of relationship with ghosts. And well Yuri is a Kariya. Also don’t know if it’s relevant but perhaps her older brother’s death has something to do with their blood as well. Just spitballing ideas. Still have no clue why when the kid trio saw Aono as some weird dinosaur thing. It’s obvious he’s chilling in her womb for whatever reason though at some point. BUT IN THE BEGINNING. Was he just chilling and checking in on people after he died? WHERE DID HE COME FROM? He popped in at the right moment. I will concede that maybe Sota’s circumstances were not typical for ghosts… so perhaps an average ghost CAN see living people? I keep confusing myself.

I think dark aono is his instinct/inner consciousness as a ghost. Perhaps an entity of sorts? But he seems to reside in Aono’s conscious. Given that the Kariya family is special somehow, maybe it’s some kind of being tied with that. And perhaps the further the contract goes along, the more this dark aono merges with regular aono, as we can see later on Aono seems to be able to be more aware when he’s like that though still not in control. It is weird that dark aono just straight up knows things. Like Kubinashi and the leaving behind half of a pair thing… It initially comes across as inhuman, but as Yuri withholds and takes back her permissions, dark Aono attempts to come across more human. Weird dude. It does beg the question of where ghosts are tho when they aren’t seen. Do they simply suffer alone in their own world like sota seems to have done? Or do they rest in peace at some point? Sota ran off to the sunset seemingly realizing something at the end of the epilogue. I remember he also says he doesn’t really remember what he was doing before Hiroto summoned him. Is there some sort of ghost world? The story bases its mythology off of real world myths and folklore, so I’m curious to see where it will go.

[random-anime-obsession]

Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime/manga, books, movies or tv series)? And why do you love them? Thanks....

Hi! Sorry it took so long to answer! I made a list pretty quickly but I feel like I’m probably forgetting some people since my interests are constantly changing. Also some characters have more reasons I love them than others. Sometimes my brain just sees a character and is like “oh yes that’s the one”. So these are all very stream of consciousness/kinda word vomit. Hope you like it! 😅❤️

In no particular order…

1. Xie Lian from TGCF - I want to protect him with my life. He’s gone through so much yet remains such a good person. He deserves the world. Also surprisingly funny (he made me snort multiple times).

2. Hinata Shouyou from Haikyuu - I am so weak for sunshine characters and Hinata is the Sun personified. He works so hard and I love every step of progress he makes. Also gremlin. Probably my all time favorite character.

3. Kenma Kozume from Haikyuu - Kenma is a very relatable character for me. Also he’s adorable and super smart. I love moments where people underestimate Kenma before realizing they’re playing his game. Also cat boy.

4. Reki Kyan from Sk8 the Infinity - Another sunshine! Reki is also kind of relatable to me though with his struggles! I love him more for it and how he finally realized his love for skateboarding. I just want to give him a hug. Baby boy.

5. Edward Elric from FMA - Another character with amazing growth over the course of the series (both literally and figuratively lol)! He’s one of those characters that make you feel like you grow with him. Super smart and resourceful! Love his determination and journey throughout the series. Also he’s a little shit.

6. Killua Zoldyck from HxH - Literally the reason I started watching HxH was for Killua. He has amazing character development and I love seeing him get away from his family and become happy! He’s super badass when he fights too! Also kind of a cat boy lol

7. Wen Qing from MDZS - Beautiful, smart, sassy, amazing. Literally fell in love with her at first sight. She’s a doctor but can also knock you out with her needles. Doesn’t put up with bullshit. An amazing sister to both Wen Ning and Wei Wuxian. She made me cry a ton.

8. Olivier Armstrong from FMA - Also a strong woman (my types are literally sunshine guys and badass women lol). All of the women in FMA are beautifully written and I just want to clap every time Olivier is on screen. The queen.

9. Lio Fotia from Promare - Super pretty but also super gremlin. Freaking love his design. Kind of reminds me of a chihuahua (thinks he’s bigger than he is). Can hear him yell “KRAY FORESIGHT” in my dreams.

10. Yona from Akatsuki No Yona - Another badass woman! Yona has such growth from the beginning of the manga being a spoiled princess to currently being a badass warrior and leader! She fought for every single bit of progress she made and it shows! But I also love how she doesn’t lose her femininity or kindness to get to that point. She is just as strong with those things.