#(at least. to their gay little mind)
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how endearing!
#cw blood#arcaea#insight#lethe#sorry this had been on my mind for like 3 days at least#insight doing some inspection#a curious woman you know!#i’ll post the other later :^)#does this count as ship art#not sure but they’re both gay. lethe is a little more of a disaster though#now there’s Two hot and beautiful women that she may or may not hate/Greatly dislike in her life#i dont think lethe would appreciate… whatever insight might do to this world. or how she might go about it#enough yapping though#thank u my friend for feeding me in my delusions… yummy fic#:^)
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aurghhh ok still rewatching '97 and the way guts and casca only have the room to breathe and really come to understand and care for each other in griffith's absence because he has such a strong hold over them both.... and the way their mutual dedication to him is what causes them to bicker for years (casca thinks he's not serving him well enough, guts thinks she doesn't get that he cares/how much he cares, casca's jealousy over griffith's feelings for guts, how he won his heart without even trying or being aware of it or doing anything with it) and is also a big part of what brings them together (earlier when guts deviates from the plan to save griffith and she commends him, in the cave casca opening up about griffith and her's past, showing that vulnerability, while it's mostly confrontational, leads to guts kinda getting her better, and his efforts to save and protect her (falling off the cliff with her, taking on the 100 men so she can escape, encouraging her to return to griffith so she can help him because it's what she feels she's meant to do (her dream, the direction in life guts shares and yet is questioning because of griffith's speech at the fountain, whether or not it's enough to serve him if it means he'll never be a true friend in griffith's eyes because he's not an equal), supporting the idea of her being with griffith/being his most important person like he won't because he doesn't view it as a competition like she has been since day one) leading to her realizing that he's kind of not that bad a guy and they have a lot more in common that she thought. and how the bonfire of dreams conversation is guts opening up to her in kind, the answer to her talking about how griffith saved her, how she feels. how neither of them ever call it love but it's something they know they both have for griffith. how it's something they're beginning to have for each other, different in ways they couldn't put a word to. because they're equals this time. the way griffith kind of becomes less and less important as they find other reasons to live and fight, as they become less singularly obsessed with him. how griffith is unable to stand it, guts' personhood, that agency and peer-to-peer equality he claimed to want (and perhaps truly did) that disappeared guts from his life, his plans, his side. how it barely even matters to griffith how casca changes because he never wanted her like she wanted him. god i can't fucking stand their shakespearean nonsense drama (<- hopelessly in love with their interpersonal dynamics)
#god they're the only healthy part of this unholy mind-palace love triangle/throuple aren't they#they could have been the worst qpr/throuple in your social circle. like just insufferable when they're not getting along#if griffith hadn't [oh god oh fuck oh jesus christ] all over everything even remotely good in his life anyway#poor casca's in love with a gay man and then falls for his not-quite-boyfriend and when not-quite-boyfriend reciprocates said gay man fucki#g. Does The Eclipse Stuff. at least partially to get back at you two. oh my godd#i'm sorry i'm so not normal about them. it's starting to leak out into the blog bc i'm finally having a Berserk Moment since starting tumbl#but whewwwww. gotta get this outta my system#hope this wall of text makes sense oops <3#berserk#berserk 1997#how do i even tag their thang. their disastrous just horrible agonizing 3 guy dynamic. hm.#gutsca#griffguts#don't even know if anyone tags for griffith and casca. fair because 1) he raped her. yikes 2) he just straight up isn't into her#and i don't know if there's a tag for the three of them but trial and error led to nothing#but i wanna talk about their dynamic. their. (gestures wildly) whatever. it's not about thinking griffith should kiss anyone it's about lik#the agony. the pining and the torment and whatever miura so beautifully crafted for me specifically. sheesh#hope it's clear that i Don't Want Them To Be An Uwu Little Polycule Bc Casca Should Not Be In A Cutesy Throuple With Her Rapist#it's more that i think they kind of are or almost are part of this (gestures wildly again). Thing. with each other and i wanna talk about i#same with griffguts like oh man they should NOT be in a relationship. but i have this deep intense Need to study them and frankly they're#kind of crazy about each other for a while. like they care about each other so so much it's crucial to all three of their characters.#so it's kind of unavoidable. and i wanna talk about it. and have this read by people who also want to talk about it. yeah? yeah.#(and yeah i think griffith raping casca was about her and guts. like 'fuck you for making him okay with leaving me' type of vibe. even#though it wasn't her fault he's just. god. but it sure as hell isn't Mostly about casca because griffith's making eye contact like the Whol#time with guts. he makes him watch. it's just. shooooooooooo aughhhhghhghh fucking. jesus christ. that or it's the fear that his two most#important pawns are going to leave him Together and he just. can't deal with that. especially after the torture internment thing.#he's so weak and he was so close to his dream and now it's falling apart and they're leaving him and he can't even move. it's about making#damn sure they can't escape him or forget him ever again.#or maybe it's even a 'you can't have her she's mine' to guts but it's still largely like. spiteful/about possessing her as a soldier/human#because i don't think you could convince me it's about having her as a lover or about controlling/hurting/possessing her body.)
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exciting update on the state of the scoundrel and the scientist's marriage/engagement/complicated roommate situationship:
It Sure Is Going!
#caeru's finally learning how to gossip. im so proud#sometimes i send rp responses between these two just to act out their dynamic. im playing with my dolls#yin-thoughts#fallen london#currently we're at 700+ wedding prep. the scoundrel would of course accept no less than a marriage at the bazaar itself#so their status quo is just gonna continue to be bickering fiance haters for the next while#i'll post when it finally Does happen so anyone who wants to attend can come along#the scoundrel's guest of honor was always gonna be mr wines anyway. all other invitees are side pieces in comparison#(at least. to their gay little mind)#the scientist is already testing his own patience doing this scheme in the first place. he'd welcome any company that isnt his spouse#any company. ever. please. for the love of all that is holy. Literally Anyone. he's so tired of putting up with them.#though if you suggest he simply moves out he gives you a weird look and mutters about how preposterous the concept is#their relationship is complicated.#scoundrelventures
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hi. for people who saw gatsby: an american myth. do you remember mckee asking nick for lunch. and then gatsby in like the next scene inviting nick for lunch. because i remember.
#not pjo#chitter chatter#when gatsby was like 'we should do lunch' i was like. hello. fucking. hello. are we. hello.#gatsby really said we just met literally 5 minutes ago. come meet my father figure. normal normal thing to do jay.#to be clear gatsby also asks him to go to lunch in the book. but like. there's a time skip. and also#in the show after mckee asks they immediately start making out on the couch. none of this ... nonsense#so the vibes are a LITTLE different in my brain.#i saw a few people say they didnt think gatsby and nick flirted enough and like while i do think that think part of it is we're#in nick's pov but not his HEAD#he DOES start singing about gatsby's smile for no reason until jordon is like. alright buddy. lets talk about daisy.#like nick was just Doing That. pull it together carraway.#but i got the vibe (JUST my take) that gatsby was like. kinda into nick. zero reason to be leaning into his space like that sir.#however when he actually MET daisy again he became kinda singularly focused on her again#i mean he built his whole lifeup to this moment#he says it at the end. he murdered pieces of himself to bring himself here. for DAISY.#him snapping back to daisy mode makes sense to me but he still reaches out for nick as a comfort in the sense that hes like#nick do NOT leave please stay with us. daisy does the same. and ofc part is that theyre really. fucking awkward. but like.#LET ME HAVE MY OWN NONSENSE INTERPRETATIONS. HES TRAPPED BY WHITENESS AND CLASS AND HETEROSEXUALITY.#hes already so much of an outsider trying to fit in. (i also think he loves daisy or an ideal at least. and she's EASIER to love. safer.)#nick inherently has more freedom even as a gay man in the sense that hes richer and white and an ivy league dude i mean you understand righ#right????????#even if its in the book i do wanna point out the parallels between those moments. im choosing to see it as deeply intentional <3#this show had a lot of repetition and parallels (see daisy and myrtle in a lot of songs and scenes)#(one i LOVE is tom giving myrtle a necklace and daisy later giving TOM her necklace in case he sees anyone he knows. idk love that shit)#im...gonna queue this#im embarrassed to talk about this show so much. so. into the queue it goes!!!#all the worlds a stage#so like. anyway. thats where i think nick's mind immediately went when gastsby asked him for lunch. personal headcanon <3#gatsby after one convo: we're doing lunch // me and nick immediately: oh ok! guess that's a date then!
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ur post about queerbaiting and the dismissal of people in fandom to critical analysis is so incredibly true thank you. i feel like marcille's writing in the anime has been super misogynistic a lot of the time and every time i bring this up all anyone wants to say is "well maybe this isn't for you! and you shouldn't watch the show!" like. i don't think this is about taste lmao, i am analyzing the text in front of me and coming to conclusions about the craft of it.
[This is in reference to this post]
YES!!! THANK YOU!!!!!
It is so so frustrating!!!!
It's like being at a restaurant and being served a bunch of delicious appetizers, but then one of the bread appetizers is literally just a plate of crumbs; and then when you're like, "Hey, uhh, why are we being served literal crumbs?", a bunch of the other folks eating at the restaurant are like,
"WELL HOW ABOUT YOU JUST DON'T EAT HERE THEN??!? YOU MUST NOT BE THAT HUNGRY, SO JUST FIND ANOTHER RESTAURANT AND DON'T EAT WITH US!!"
And maybe they say it politely, but "Aw, sorry, maybe this restaurant just isn't for you 💖" is just trading out an aggressive dismissive tone for a patronizing dismissive tone. It's the same message.
And it's like! I was honestly happy to move on from the crumbs once my complaint was acknowledged because the meal overall is still delicious, but then all these folks got SUPER WEIRD AND DEFENSIVE ABOUT IT, so now I find myself double-checking all the other dishes -- and, actually, you know what those eggs DO look a Iittle misogynistic undercooked!!!!
#original#queerbaiting#dunmeshi#dungeon meshi#falin x marcille#marcille x falin#marcille donato#delicious in dungeon#dungeon meshi marcille#listen i like marcille but u r right she is basically there to be a wet blanket a LOT of the time and that is a sexist trope#i think the bar is super super low for female characters in adventure anime and the lack of constant ogling maybe makes the female#characters feel better written than they are. i mean falin basically has no personality. she's got an innocent heart but that's nothing.#and i think these conversations are worth having bc no piece of media is perfect and this is how we learn to do better#also like. I've seen media criticisms that make me go 'oh you straight up should reserve commentary bc you#haven't watched the show and you're wrong' or 'i see what you're saying but you are simply incorrect' but like#i don't think I'd tell someone to just NOT watch Hazbin Hotel bc they have a bad take - and certainly not bc they have accurately#pinpointed a real flaw about the show (of which there are more than a few but frankly not what became the biggest subject of Disc Horse)#Angel is actually an amazing character & i think people mistook a criticism on the way abuse is glamourized as actually glamourizing abuse#like his song about abuse is called Poison and he's trapped in an abusive performance contract - bringing to mind Britney Spears#i think it is a wildly triggering and painful scene but i think a lot of people took the pain it gave them to mean it was bad art#but tbh they are still allowed to eat at the table if they so choose!!!#sorry i got sidetracked - as an abuse survivor Angel just matters a lot to me. i have a couple serious criticisms of vivziepop's work but#Angel is very much not one of them#also in regards to the actual subject of this post i think the most audacity of the responses i got was the one that said#that by complaining about queerbaiting I was 'de-incentivizing writers to write any interaction b/t women that could look even a little gay#and I'm just like. good. I hope they stop writing entirely. if the takeaway from 'please don't sell me bread and then serve me crumbs' is#'WELL NOW I JUST WON'T BAKE ANY BREAD PRODUCT' then that person is a bad chef. they should find a different job.#or at least do a whole lot of work on themselves. but either way i wouldn't be too broken up to know i won't be getting any food from them.#'just leave then' is so obviously a gut reaction defense mechanism & it implies media criticism should only be for things you don't like
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I just laid down on the floor for like two hours, it's 6:39 in the morning right now and I need to go to work,,,,,,
#oh im just gay#i didnt sleep much tonight cuz i woke up at 4#i cant sleep cuz i got things on my mind hehe#have you all ever had proper floor time#you need to try at least a little every week
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If there is at least one thing I can credit FE for doing better than Tales in localization, it's not trying to actively go out of their way for an entire game to avoid subtext or direct text between two men that is romantic or implied romantic. Funny when it's so present that the attempt doesn't even work; infuriating that it was attempted to begin with.
So as much as I often have issues with some of FE's localizations, at least they have a leg up on loc Tales for that.
#DCB Comments#imagine changing entire sentences and vocal tones just to try to avoid it#if anything I'd say at least in FE the locs just... keep what's there like#they could've toned Soren and Houses Yuri down and they didn't. they just kept their lines or in some cases#especially with Houses Yuri I'd say leaned into them#have to specify bc Houses Yuri got to keep his bi agenda. Vesperia Yuri had the unfortunate issue of#the loc not wanting to keep his gay and trying reeeeally hard to avoid it#including altering entire sentences to avoid any woe is them misunderstandings about men having feelings for each other#meanwhile Houses Yuri is free to call men cute and lo and behold everyone loved that for him#they removed and altered a LOT of Vesperia Yuri's personality traits#(including any ability to express real sadness or fear bc woe is them if he's not a cool edgy man)#but they also really changed his tone toward Flynn PLUS some of what they say to each other#and twisted it to make it sound like Yuri was either angry or wasn't actually emotional abt him#forget the way they brought Grant George in for the DE release and made him sound just completely DEAD with zero personality#like. I can tolerate playing Houses dubbed despite my gripes with it (story based stuff)#it didn't feel like they were trying to alter LBGT+ aspects and they even for some rly leaned into it#basically if you haven't played Vesperia Yuri is... really gay coded. the loc pretended not to notice#in fact he's queer + gay coded bc and doesn't fit male gender norms and the gacha games LOVE that with his hair/outfits#Rays mind you is JP only bc it was shut down very quickly in the west and Vesp Yuri's story in Rays is uh#basically it centers around Flynn he loses his shit to protect Flynn and they do the usual like#don't-admit-it's-gay-outright in fictional media by using the ''Yuri's important person'' shtick#but he activates a special power in the middle of utterly raging to get Flynn back from their enemies#funny thing? that game never made it to that arc. I was told in about five months the western ver would've gotten that#but in some way I'm glad it didn't bc who knows how they would've tried to spin that#It's BAFFLING to me how you can get characters in Tales like JAY but the locs shake in their boots at the idea of queer gays#but given how allergic fictional media is to admitting a male character is gay -gestures to Ike and Vesp Yuri-#I'm not surprised I'm just actually angry that the locs try to censor homosexual relationships as much as possible even when they barely ca#if anyone does know Vesp Yuri and is confused on why I'm calling him gay coded despite what the dub did with Judith feel free to ask#bc I do ship them a little bit myself! but I just recognize that canon wise I really can't see him as anything but gay-demiromantic#but again at least FE locs don't shake in their boots anymore abt same sex pairs including men (side eyes Lucius/Raven)
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hang on are cougars like panthers
#'the cougar also known as the panther' SCREAM#dont mind me rewatching carmilla as a side effect of my newfound interest in vampires#you'd think it was renewed interest in vampires but no#i actually have never been all that interested in vampires as their own thing i was just gay#and i dont think carmilla really explored the concept itself#like A* in using the medium. D or whatever in exploring their subject matter#actually tbf their subject matter was lesbianism so. again probably an A. they knew what they wanted and they did it well#idk how letter grades work tbh#also not actually sure how much they got into the vampire thing which is why im rewatching to check#bc i was reading iwtv and i was like damn carmilla left stuff on the table#but i also think a lot went over my head#even just english wise im a little stunned at how much i didnt catch. like i was fluent in 2015 for sure but. you do keep learning words#also carmilla is like a popculture remix and i dont have a lot of popculture knowledge so a lot of that went over my head too#now i have just enough to know that im missing a lot#like theres a line in s1 where laura goes 'im living with a vampire. an honest to lestat vampire' and like. never caught that#bc i didnt know how the fuck that was fhkjghgh#but anyway im watching s2 and laura's like 'vampire seductress here is just crabby bc im not falling for her 17th century idea of game'#and like they keep calling armand Ancient right? but carmilla is not much younger#just the difference in framing is what made me start thinking abt it all#like carmilla is 400smth and laura is aware abt that to joke abt it and probably thinks it's a little hot but then you think abt how they#depict that kinda age with armand like what he says to madeleine. 'how do you go on when everything from your era is gone'#and sure carmilla has that loneliness but DAMN. like fuck. shes been doing this same trick. being like the abigail hobbs to the dean for#centuries? i mean there was that century or idk how long where she was buried alive or whatever. but THAT TOO#like damn fuck!!!!!!!!!! ive been going through the fanfic again this week and like there really isnt much#at least doesnt seem to be much that explores this. unless it's in all the aus bc i filtered those out (and still got them)#also interesting difference is if i remember correctly the hollstein happy ending is that carmilla becomes human#in iwtv of course like every important relationship is between vampires. and every lover turns vampire. and every vampire is a lover#sorta. bc abuse themes and stuff. so the inversion makes sense but wouldnt it have been kinda cool if she turned laura tho#anyway. can you believe they were like 'well shes a cougar thats her job and also her supernatural power' dhfkhjgkh as i said: A*
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im so fucking mad at myself at my mother at her dead husband at god fucking knows what. "concentrate on yourself" well i cant can i. now more than anything i should and i cant. losing my fucking mind istg
#i wasted the whole fucking weekend because i *had to* come visit her and once i visited i *had to* hang out with my fucking grandfather#watching him cry about grandma and bitch about modern times and the waiter not doing his job because the café was full to bursting#and it took longer than usual to get our coffees so ofc he had to loudly insult him in third person. oh and then he had to bitch about#gay people and women who dont want children too because of he did. and i sat there and listened to it because i HAD TO#wasted four fucking hours. and then i HAD TO go to the theatre with my mom because she got us tickets because she wanted this#to be a nice day for me but i dont have fucking time to have nice days rn but in order for HER to have a nice day i need to at least pretend#i am having one. so i wasted another almost two hours on that play#which was some modern uselessly loud to the point of being physically painful bullshit bad enough that we left mid-show#and then i had to go meet with her friends so lost another two hours and by the time i got home to write that bullshit thesis it was 11pm#and i barely got anything done till 1 am because i went through another stupid little mental breakdown and then it was almost 6 am#and i had to stop because i had a train at 8 and i already only slept like 3 hours that day#and then i got home yesterday totally fucking exhausted and i started reading stuff for the thesis but i was falling asleep so i laid down#'for 10 minutes' and i woke up today at 6. not having written a word lol#and now i could just say fuck it and defend it in september and it would make my life so much easier. but my voice teacher wants me#to get accepted for the masters degree even if im already planning to get the deans leave for the first semester so like. god.#i cant do this lol#i know i should have started earlier but i was kinda busy losing my fucking mind and lying in bed staring at the ceiling for hours#and contemplating dropping out completely lol god i hate my life so much it's unreal
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the only regret i have about my agab. is tht if i had been assigned male at birth i would have been able to realize i’m like. a fem gay way earlier. instead of having to take the long way through awkward spasms of masculinity in an attempt to match what i felt at the time being trans was supposed to mean for me. it could have potentially saved me years of growing pains just for someone else to have seen my posture and my mannerisms and my dress and identified it as gay femininity instead of cisgender womanhood. if i could have identified it as that sooner. maybe i wouldn’t have so much catching up to do because of how long it took me to grow into myself.
#idk if this makes sense#i was thinking abt the other day where i wasn’t even aware i was doing anything#and Rachael called me a fag (affectionate) bc of the like. way i was moving and standing#and it’s so fucking gratifying now but my god it made passing hard. still makes passing hard.#and it made my gender identity crisis take way longer#bc i was rlly caught off guard by my own lack of masculinity#to the point where i couldn’t id as transmasc until i like. manufactured some#i can picture tht little gay boy in my mind’s eye and i wish i could have been him at least for a while#anyway#gender tag#kieran reaches out into the void
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Not to be a hater, but I'm tired of watching so many posts (on Instagram, I have been using it a lot lately bc of friends and it is destroying my brain /neg) talking about "boyfriends" and "girlfriends" and "I'm great at flirting *gives a heart to an story and never talks*".
I had been living in a blissful world where having a partner was something that some people on the internet and my sister had, not an overwhelming constant of teenage worry that had people crying because. I'm so tired of friends thinking about it constantly, friends being desperate to "not be alone", hearing all these stories about friends' friends having terrible miscommunication with their partners.
I'm tired of hearing about something I kind of get the appeal but don't really understand, I'm tired of hearing my friends getting hurt by feelings I can't get and at the same time feeling like I can't help them. I want them to not feel these complex feelings about someone they don't really know, I want to see them happy, meeting people they don't get overly attached before knowing if those people are at least decent human beings, and I want everyone to stop playing this games of trying to meet others without "looking like a creep", and I want them to not be scared, and I want them to be strong enough to cut contact with people that does them wrong.
I don't know how to help them, because, by literal words, they are both getting weird chemicals in their brain that makes them not control for who they fall over, AND there is this weird societal expectation for when you want to get to someone that I can't BEGIN to understand, since NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT, but it still looms over people's actions, it is an implicit vibe, and I don't know if it's people's anxiety derived from having a crush, or if it's something deeper, but it MADDENS me.
I'm just- My personal mental health is exponentially better this time where I have a good chunk of friends, and I have gotten socialization and all that shit, but it also feels like I'm still an outsider, like I'm looking through a window at all this people with their own struggles that I'm having trouble to comprehend because I don't have them, and I'm supposed to just accept it, accept that this is reality, and the only thing I can do is recommended better forms for them to communicate.
I need less romantic love in this world. I want people being friends, I just want good groups of friends, and everyone working on having better communicate.
#venting#yes I'm aroace. or at least on that spectrum. and I'm fighting the crude reality where most people are not#I want to give my friends some peace of mind. just a little bit#I would kill to give what I have to some of my friends#I hate looking at all I have and still not being able to use it for something#I have it easy on comparison to some friends. and I would kill for them to be in my position#I'm just so frustrated#I want to grab their problems by the throat and squeeze#all this rant about me being frustrated about not being able to help them with their feelings also goes for others stuff#I want to take a few friends out of their homes to never go back#I want to make them run away and hide#I don't understand how social interaction gets to be so difficult for them but not so much for me. and that angers me#also. why the hell 3 out of the other 5 trans people I know irl are also gay people with TERRIBLE taste for romantic attraction?#like. yeah. you don't have control of it. but damn bitch. those cis guys are wearing reflective neon hazard signs. and not it the fun way#damn bbg why you liking the guy that looks at a trans guy and say “I can fix her” for then flee to the other side of thr country to scape#any responsibility for his actions#En fin. estoy cansado de interactuar con tanto adolescente pendejo
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Do you REMEMBER during the dnd episode when she intimately described making love to a woman from the perspective of a man??? I think the group's homophobia set her back 7 years in the coming out journey.
#if she kisses Jeff in the movie I'm gonna explode Dan Harmon with my mind.#like obviously i would not want him to write her as gay because i do not trust that man but. but.#if they have to kiss at least make it terrible. right? i ask for so little.#shut up clark
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I don't think I've ever actually said it, but Hockey AU actually has an official title (for the time being) which is: SPOTLIGHT !!!!
I'm going back and forth on if I want to change it or not though, because the chapters are all titled with quotes from within the chapter itself so I feel like I need to choose a fic title from within the fic itself as well? And Spotlight started more as a placeholder name, because the ORIGINAL hockey AU was a Percy/Will story about the two of them meeting up accidentally throughout the country during the 2018-19 season, and then I got intrigued by what Jason and Nico were doing in the background and realized I wanted to tell their story WAY more.
So the main story is titled And So We Meet Again in reference to Will and Percy's side, and then the Jasico side that was supposed to be an offshoot is titled "Spotlight: Jason and Nico" and has faded into just being called Spotlight.
But on the other hand, it's a fitting title considering 1) Nico feels like he's in the spotlight as a rookie goalie in the league who's basically treated as a starting goalie by his team despite the fact that they already have a starting goalie, Nico has a lot of pressure on him to perform and feels like all eyes are on him and 2) Jason is actually in the spotlight, as an up-and-coming rookie who's going to get drafted in the 2019-20 season, he's like Jack Zimmermann levels of talked about fame. So while I'm on one hand debating changing the title to something a little more stand-out, on the other I feel like Spotlight is really fitting and easy to remember.
#hockey au#spotlight#i'm just thinking out loud to keep my mind off of other shit at this point#you know what would be sooooo sexy and cool.....if i commissioned someone to make like. cover art for it#So like Nico in the goalie's net at one end of the ice with Jason standing in the neutral zone or on his team's side#both of them with spotlights lightning them up from opposing ends#it would be SO hard to do that perspective-wise though considering#but it would be SOOOOO sexy and cool to look at#i need to figure out how I'm going to format the update posts for hockey au as well because i'm gonna start posting it soon#pjo#nico di angelo#jason grace#seeing a popular friend of a friend posting their fic and it immediately getting nearly 1000 hits is soooo....i am not okay sob#i have my little itty bitty platform i fear nobody will even read my silly little gay hockey story#but#if anybody got me i know at LEAST 3 of my mutuals got me
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also found out today my dads casually homophobic (?) today lmao
#he told my youngest brother he didn’t think being gay is right but everyone has free will so you can’t interfere w other ppls lives#which I mean alright#this was brought up bc of the protestors at my towns little pride event and my dad said idk it’s dumb to protest bc u should just mind ur#business etc etc#thisnis very weird considering I’ve been out to them for 5 years at least and my brother for more than that#and how he has smth to say abt it…
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i want to watch the things on my watchkist but i also never do its rly tragic
#i have plenty of time i always could but instead im like idk what abt laying in bed#whatever. im having a stupid gay moment so i have to like do that instead. <- this judt means i have to sit here and go God i want to be#loved god i wabt to hold somebody i need to be held i should buy a revolver. not elaborating on the last one there are several ways you can#interpret it.#DJFBFJFNFJGNGN#IT JUST. SIGHHH. SIGHHHHH. its my fault for engaging with romance media bc it always makes me so lonely. which sucks#bc it also makes me giddy at times like i like it. but then im likr I dont have this and then i get all emo#its whatever one day when we spontaneously grow and become a real person maybe we will be able to like go out and do like. i dont know#something#almost 1 year its crazy yk. idk.. sigh. i need 2 get my ged#not rly related to any of it but it is ged is the Thing i need to do so i can do everything else#like i need a ged to get a job i need a job to fix my life (itll force me to keep a schedule again) and to get money and i need money to#do Anything at all. sigh#i miss alcohol but also drinking alone sucks. but i cant drink with ppl anymore bc i get too sad. not like my friend edibles who never make#me sad At least not abt that. there was that post abt like humanity through the ages that i cried at RLY HARD for a full hour bc i kept#crying until my screen turned off and then calming down a bit and then turning my phone back on and seeing the post again and immediately#crying again DJFNJF#anyways ive been thinking and i rly wish there was likee. sigh. unfortunately ignoring the mushy stuff i need a partner for utility purposes#1 finances 2 i cant drive and i dont think ill ever be able to . ik i should just try and learn but the thought makes me real life nauseous#but i also uppn reflection would like to live in the countryside maybe. idk i change my mind constantly#bc city is convenient and i havent lived in Cities very much i dont like suburbs bc you cant walk anywhere and theres nothing 2 do#cities you can walk everywhere country you cant but you get to be outside and i want to start being outside again... creek rly solidified#this. my dream house it has a creek nearby#in fact its kind of exactly the same as the creek at granny n papaws house. but without leeches LOL. and maybe less cow shit#but ya. thered be a creek... well in one of my dreamhouses at least#my dreamapartment there isnt a creek bc the apartments in a city with lots of food options. which is a requirement#but maybe there is a little creek in the park in the city but i couldnt swim there i bet. unfortunately.... sigh. but this is where partner#with car clmes in in both situations is in rhe city they could drive me out to a lake . we would go together and maybe wed paddleboard#or we could get one of those little boats that you umm. with the umm. feet. what the... what r they called#whatever we had those at family reunions w papaws family when i was a baby. they were fun. paddleboat???????
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mentally twirling my hair and kicking my feet
#im in class i cant be this fuckin distracted i have a test today. oh well. gay thoughts it is#thinkin abt. linebeck damien and bellum. the weird little polycule(?). beldamibeck the boys with a ship name#the three of them… cuddling. yknow that image or three cuddling cats with the one in the middle looking disgusted/squished#thats early beldamibeck. bellum wants none of this but he is now warm and it kinda feels nice#out of class. thats how long i take on my fuckass posts. anyways#uhhh. if i could beam images into ur minds just through short little tags oh boy#bellum usually ends up in the middle hes the smallest shorter than linebeck and smaller than damien. he gets to be v warm#as a squid i imagine he picks someone to wrap himself around or he just does both of them. he decides when they get up#he doesnt talk in bed linebeck and damien might be talking but bellum is dozing like q cat that found some sunlight to lay in#making him warm is like the quickest way to get him to chill out everyone realizes. he n linebeck share the warmest blanket when its cold#at least bellum doesnt get sick or anything hes the best to handle someone who’s sick w/ something contagious#he and linebeck do the most medical care then ig. the least squeamish pair. lil bit of a ship’s surgeon and surgeon’s mate deal#god linebeck was really probably just somewhat handling every required role on his own huh#this is just thoughts now. ig ill end it here and like. read a book for a bit
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