#(as long as it actually looks good otherwise and is justified at least)

[daz4i]

at this point if you make me sit through a movie or show that’s full of grey or muted colors i’m cutting contact with you. wtf why are we watching this shit. hollywood induced depression. go watch something colorful and maybe you’ll feel something

[ripplestitchskein]

Today I wanna rant talk about this

Versus

This

A lot, and I mean A LOT of people use these two moments as a way to compare Stolas and Blitzø with Fizz and Asmodeus. Specifically, Asmodeus with Stolas. And I get it, both Tiny Clown Imp with Giant Bird Aristocracy. Both dealing in different ways with the social hierarchy of hell. People keep using it as a “well Stolas HID while Asmodeus declared” and yes, that’s true but I don’t actually think we’re meant to be comparing Stolas and Asmodeus, at least not about this specific thing.

Blitzo doesn’t need someone to declare their love for him, he needs to declare his love for someone else.

People put the “Stolas is ashamed of Blitzo because of his station” on Stolas a lot and it is shown multiple times that it is not a factor for Stolas. He even like…sings about how it’s not an issue? Explicitly. The different stations was an issue for Asmodeus for awhile based on thier convos and the hiding. And it was for Fizz, though for different reasons I’ll get into in another post cause this is already going to be long as fuck. But this social hierarchy, famous person conflict is 100% Blitzo.

Blitzø is the only person who should be interpreting Stolas hiding his face as being because of the social disparity because that is a hangup of his. We, the audience, should know better because we’ve been shown the truth, or the reality of the situation in the scope of the show, MULTIPLE times. Blitzø is the one who harps on the class disparity, he’s the one who has the perception that Stolas is only looking for a fetishcentric fuck with the common rabble. The audience is supposed to see Blitzø’s reaction and know he is wrong, that this interpretation is because of one of his character flaws of feeling not good enough, and being compared to people, not because of the reality, because we have proof otherwise. Including the canon song where Stolas fucking says it outright.

There is a lot of talk about the “solution to Stolitz” being Stolas loudly and publicly declaring their relationship ala Asmodeus. But…Stolas already did his big public declaration at the BEGINNING way BEFORE Asmodeus. Stolas did it in The Circus flashback. He reinforced it at the Harvest Moon festival. He reinforced it at Ozzie’s.

His initial public declaration was following up a Imp leaving his bedroom in front of the Ars Goetia yelling “Sorry I fucked your husband” after a big aristocratic party by coming out well fucked and loudly screaming he was getting a FUCKing DIVORCE and ripping a banner in front of some of the most socially influential people in Hell. He then publicly thirsts over Blitzø at the Harvest Moon festival, multiple times and by name AND species. He takes Blitzo’s hand, and goes on a public romantic date with him, even reminding the doorman of who he was and who he was with and THEN when all eyes are still on them after the song at Ozzie’s, despite everything said, reaches out to him across the table and then gets up and leaves with him even taking his car home when he has the ability to just portal. No one who converses with him about Blitzø is left with any ambiguity that they are involved, not Stella, not Striker, not Octavia, he loudly declares he is into the imp to anyone who will listen, often in front of Blitzø, which he cringes away from and insists is just a transactional fucking.

The contrast to be drawn between Asmodeus making a public declaration shouldn’t be on Stolas but BLITZØ. He’s the one who needs to declare it, Stolas already has, repeatedly and out loud, and in public already.

Blitzø is the one who can’t say it out loud. He’s the one who shies away from conversations about it and dismisses it when anyone brings it up. He uses the excuses of social class and it being only for sex to justify his own inability to own it. There’s a reason all his exes are massively famous people who got famous after he destroyed the relationship. With Verosika it’s pretty clear she was super into him and he dipped. It’s not clear if it was because she was getting famous, that might be revealed, but the hints we have (her tattoo, his stealing her credit cards and disappearing) is that the end of that relationship was all Blitzø. When people find out he was in a relationship with her he is uncomfortable with the fact that she is famous, he goes out of his way to separate himself from her fame. Because people react exactly as he expected them to, incredulous someone famous could be into nobody Blitzø.

Somewhat ditto with Fizz, at least at first. Fizz was shown to be already pretty well known by the end of their friendship. Because of Blitzø’s self worth issues he doesn’t believe someone like Fizz could reciprocate his feelings, he sees him surrounded by people and doesn’t feel worthy to be one of them so he turns away and accidentally burns down a circus doing so. While a confession from Fizz first, if he felt the same way, might have prevented the catastrophe we have no way of knowing if Blitzø would have done the same thing to Fizz he did to Verosika and let his self worth issues eventually destroy their relationship too, especially after he signs on with Mammon. A big theme of their comments to each other before their reconciliation are about the disparity in fame, Fizz is also an imp so it’s not social class, but that Fizz is a beloved, famous figure and Blitzø failed at becoming one.

The Circus illustrates this so well, Blitzø is the failure who keeps trying his hardest and Fizz is the one who steps in and just kind of naturally does it. Blitzø’s dad makes no secret of the fact that Fizz is the more desired one. We also see Stolas appreciating Blitzø for who he is. Laughing against the crowd, just like during the sitcom taping, he doesn’t care about the public’s reaction to Blitzø, it doesn’t lessen Blitzø in his eyes at all.

We have also seen Blitzø be told very publicly a person loved him already as well and it STILL wasn’t what he needed. Verosika has it literally tattooed in a prominent place on her body, out there for everyone to see.

He doesn’t want a public declaration, he fears making one of his own and being compared to the one he declared for. “That guy is with THEM?!” It happens when Verosika steals his parking space and everyone realizes they dated, and it happens when the crazy fan goes after Fizz. People dismiss Blitzø in favor of the famous person he is with.

Hearing that, again, would invite the scrutiny that would just further validate that he’s not good enough, that he’s lesser and lower. That’s been his experience so far. Stolas declaring it would just put the spotlight on him once more, and I think it would actually make things worse for him mentally and emotionally. His reaction to Ozzie outing Stolas as his date to the crowd shows us this. I believe it’s why he split up with Verosika, the more famous she got the more eyes on him that could find him lacking. He’d be in the spotlight and his act wouldn’t be able to measure up to hers.

Just like at the circus with Fizz when they were kids, or during the sitcom, when eyes are on Blitzø he fails. Stolas gave him a bit more confidence each time. Not by loudly yelling “Hey, I like him!”to sway the audience, but just by quietly and genuinely laughing at his jokes and appreciating Blitzø for who he is. Stolas I think realizes this consciously, he sings it in Look My Way that the realm doesn’t appreciate what Blitzø is and because of this Blitzø built up walls around himself to protect from that lack of appreciation. Stolas tries to hype Blitzø up, he does so in the Harvest Moon Festival early on in their relationship but it makes Blitzø uncomfortable because the public declarations bring eyes to him. He has like….relationship stage fright in a sense. Imo the last thing Blitzø needs is another loud declaration.

Stolas though, he does NEED it. He has had one romantic partner publicly declare they don’t love him to all who will listen for like well over a decade, and now he needs a partner who will make it really really clear they do and I think preferably out loud where others can hear.

Stolas’s conflict and flaw is his family and his desire for reciprocal love. The shame of being an adulterer, of destroying the idealized family he strived for and the image he projected for so many years. And especially, the loneliness of his “romances” being one sided. With the exception of Octavia all of Stolas’s surrounding family and “friends” don’t give a fuck about him and he knows it. Why would Blitzø be any different? He also needs someone to choose him outside of a business or familial relationship. Stella was an arranged marriage to produce a heir. Blitzø was a sexual transaction for the grimoire. Octavia is his daughter. His relationship with his father shows that he isn’t special to him either. Paimon doesn’t even know his name. Stolas has no one declaring for him.

There’s a reason most of Stolas’s issues are told though “images”. The family portraits, the Sinstagram posts of Blitzø appearing annoyed or disinterested while Stolas does not see the picture Blitzø took, because that is his primary issue, he destroyed the image of himself he was trying to project for a chance at a reciprocal relationship. That image maintenance has nothing to do with Blitzø’s imp status, but more the public lack of perceived reciprocity in his romantic dealings.

He knows he looks like a fool, putting himself out there and not getting a confirmation back. This is why every problem Stolas had with his marriage seemed to come down not to attraction or status but mutual feeling. He doesn’t feel bad for cheating because Stella made it clear she didn’t care about him for him. Stella tells everyone loudly and publicly, even before Stolas cheated, how she feels about him. So as soon as Stolas can he jumps at the chance to say “HEY EVERYONE SOMEONE DOES LIKE ME! HE HAD SEX WITH ME AND EVERYTHING”and yelling out “THE ONLY MAN WHO CAN FUCK ME”. Flirting with Blitzø in front a crowd of people. He desperately wants to be publicly desired, to know he’s loved and for others to know he’s loved too.

I don’t think it matters to Stolas at all that who he cheated with was below him in terms of social hierarchy, or that people know about it, and he hasn’t ever indicated visually or with words that Blitzø being an imp was the root of those issues for him. Stella brings it up because she’s obsessed with status and EVERYONE KNOWS that her husband fucked an imp and is now divorcing her. Asmodeus brings it up because the entire Lust song at Ozzie’s is to distract the audience from his very real love affair with Fizz and maintain the public fiction that what he and Fizz have is just physical.

The whole social hierarchy issue is a deflection, and a misdirection.

This is further emphasized by the fact that Fizz and Asmodeus fucking isn’t even really an issue? People seemed to know they were fucking, like them being walked in on at breakfast and loudly declaring “ we are just banging, we are not in love”. The social hierarchy conflict as an external factor kind of falls apart on that alone but let’s move on. It’s not 100% clear if people outside of the household knew about Fizz and Asmodeus so we can maybe assume the public at large did not. But higher level demons being in a relationship with lower level ones doesn’t appear to be an issue? Like most of the powerful demons we see are actually in relationships with someone from a lower class. Even Mammon surrounds himself with imps and relies on one for his business.

Blitzø sure as fuck brings it up as a justification for why he’s not good enough. But Stolas doesn’t.

He’s even been shown visually and deliberately as forgetting that it’s even a factor, starting with his bowing to Blitzø as a baby owl and then again as an adult. So the comparison of these two moments as being about shame regarding social status for Stolas doesn’t make any sense to me. I don’t think it’s about social status at all really. I think that’s the excuse Blitzø uses to push people away and that’s just as much about social status as it is their fame. I’m not saying it’s not a larger theme of the show, but I think in this instance and for Stolitz it’s a distraction from the larger issues Blitzø has.

Stolas doesn’t need to publicly declare their relationship for an audience to solve their relationship issues because he already did, and I think we’ll see that the reason it’s such a huge plot point for Asmodeus and Fizz (beyond it being tied to their specific roles in Hell as the King of Lust and a public figure) is that it needled to be removed as an obstacle in BLITZØ’S mind.

Blitzø was the one present to witness the public declaration between Asmodeus and Fizz at the competition, not Stolas. If the comparison was between Stolas’s behavior and Asmodeus’s he would BE there, we, the audience, would have him there to connect that conflict in our mind as being rooted in Stolas. But he isn’t, because that conflict is 100% Blitzø. He won’t be able to use the imp versus demon thing as an excuse anymore as there is a very public example of someone even higher than Stolas loving an imp that he personally knows. Not only that but we see no indication in the episodes after Ozzie’s that there was ANY fallout for Stolas or Blitzø having their relationship outted so publicly. We see a big press todo about Stolas going to the hospital but not a single scene of like press asking Blitzø or Stolas about their relationship or the scene at Ozzie’s. Because no one but Blitzø actually cares? Scenes in media show us what’s important and if it was actually important to the larger world of Helluva Boss we’d have scenes to show that. There is no press coverage after the Not Divorced party, none after the Harvest Festival and none after Stolas officially makes moves to divorce Stella. He has assassins follow him around but not press. We DO get those press scenes when Fizzarolli and Asmodeus come out as being in love, because they are big public figures, but the only people who even mention Stolas and Blitzø are contained to Ozzie’s alone, and really it’s just Wally, Fizz and Asmodeus. The rest of the club is just interested in the spectacle.

The point of the hiding Stolas’s face behind the menu was not to tell audience he was ashamed of Blitzø, or that his being with Blitzø is a problem for him socially, but to reinforce Blitzø’s excuses to himself that it is, and highlight Blitzø’s self worth issues. This is further confirmed when Stolas reaches out to him across the table even though they are still in public and then later when he verbally expresses to Blitzø that he’d like to spend time with him without sex, tells him he enjoyed spending time with him outside of the arrangement, makes himself physically uncomfortable in the van just to spend more time with him. All of which Blitzø refuses to believe and dismisses. All of their interactions are shown as Stolas being the one to put himself out there, sometimes to a desperate cringe inducing degree, and Blitzø shutting it down and only expressing that his external protestations are not his true feelings by his avoidant looks, stumbling over his words and excuses, and his “protesting too much”. We as the audience see he’s full of shit through the reactions of others, Millie and Moxxie and Fizz specifically calling Stolas his boyfriend or being skeptical of the bullshit Blitzø spews to diminish the relationship.

For Stolas the song at Ozzie’s was a reminder that he had done something that fucked up his family and frankly his life as he knew it, tarnishing his image as a husband and father, and that fuck up has nothing to do with Blitzø being an imp, everyone knew that already for the most part from the very first time they had sex, but because Blitzø was the catalyst for the risk he took. He used to have the image of his family and his Princely appearance to hide behind and now we’ve shone a spotlight on who he really is, a lonely, soon to be divorcee, on a date with a demon who has acted completely dismissive of him, even outright ignoring him and ghosting at times.

A good way to highlight this issue with image is when Stolas nervously giggles and tries to over the top declare “we are having a perfectly normal date!” to the waitress by playing it off as being okay and trying desperately to get Blitzø to participate. He’s being publicly humiliated again and he tries to play it off and cover it up.

We see it again in his text messages from after Ozzie’s, he is so desperately trying to show Blitzø that it didn’t bother him, but that if it bothered Blitzø he’d like to talk about it. He tries to front it as “I don’t mind jokes about myself, it was pretty funny hahaha” but we as the audience see it for the pathetic attempt at faking it is. Laughing it off and pretending it doesn’t bother him is what Stolas does but he still made an attempt, he still tried. Stolas is from what we see extremely comfortable expressing his feelings, loudly and at length. It when he gets rejected for them that he pretends it’s not how he feels. And once again, he reaches out to Blitzø, gets shut down after putting himself out there and then acts as if everything is fine.

During the song at Ozzie’s , when the spotlight comes to Stolas, Asmodeus starts reminding him he “destroyed” his life, his family, and his image for a dude who does not outwardly appear to return his feelings, who is in fact just fucking him, and not even because he is interested in Stolas, but because he is using Stolas for the book. Every time Stolas tries for more he gets slapped back. He threw everything away for more of what he already had, a loveless business arrangement. He’s not shamed by the fact that Blitzø is an imp but that he ripped apart his picture perfect life for a guy who was acting distracted and ignoring him, who at times is completely turned away from him, and who is sitting across from him visibly uncomfortable at being called out as being on a date with him, and who he cannot get to agree to anything more despite his desperately trying.

Stolas’s part of the Ozzie’s episode opens with Gabriela yelling “Why won’t you LOVE ME ALEJANDRO” and then the man puts a streak in his hair to call back to it and people are still thinking it’s about status for him?

He just watched Blitzø stand up for Moxxie and Millie but when the focus turns to Stolas Blitzø cringes and makes himself small.

Lets break down what actually happens on screen because it is ALL in the visual choices made by the artists and what the song is actually about, lust being more acceptable than love because love is embarrassing and Blitzø hates to be embarrassed:

Moxxie starts singing, and after he sings “I loooove you” the shot jumps to Blitzø who CRINGES and shrinks a bit behind his menu. Publicly declaring your love for someone in public like that? Fucking Yikes. Bro.

Blitzø stands up and defends Moxxie and Millie but not necessarily to support their love, but their sexual relationship. This says a lot about which one Blitzø thinks of as being publicly acceptable.

Fizz turns his attention to Blitzø and the entire call out is about his bad love life, not his social status, and not even necessarily his level of fame but his failures as a romantic partner and the state of his relationships. It’s interesting that the song turns to this lack of love since just a few verses previously they act as though a romantic relationship is anthema to what they are all about. As soon as Fizz starts talking about his LOVE life Blitzø looks nervously at Stolas out of the corner of his eye.

Stolas is shocked as the song starts in on Blitzø but he doesn’t leave or shrink away immediately, he makes this absolutely hysterical face when Verosika is singing.

Blitzø does NOT like that Verosika is singing about their relationship. He crosses his arms and gets very sour pussed.

Then when Verosika starts getting more predatory, and going in on Blitzø physically, Stolas STANDS UP and looks as though he’s going to intervene.

The Wally Whackford yells “Are you sleeping with an Imp?” And Stolas remains standing, in the spotlight for several seconds. He doesn’t even start to move away to get out of it until Asmodeus comes up into his space and the scrutiny is all on him. He still doesn’t hide his face nor does it look necessarily shamed, it looks surprised and scared with where this is going and to have the attention on him but he does not look shamed. In fact, he doesn’t react to the imp comment at all, he is just as shocked and surprised as before Wally yelled as he is after. He keeps making this same shocked and scared face the whole time. We continue to see the crowd throughout all this and the scene is from a wide shot. It’s from the main POV, which is largely Blitzø’s.

The POV then switches to ONLY Stolas’s, we are seeing THROUGH his eyes and what HE sees is his family turning away from him and then they shove Blitzø in a chair, make him the center of Stolas’s vision and he’s left with Blitzø’s embarrassed, cringing face. The crowd, the club, everything else is painted out. From Stolas’s POV he doesn’t see or register the public, he sees and registers his family and Blitzø. They are center of his vision and the club and its patrons aren’t even present in the shot. If the issue was the social status we would have no need to remind the audience of Stella and Octavia by projecting their images and then having a sequence where they turn, walk away and burst into flames. Wally’s comment would be enough to establish it. The crowd would be visible because they would be what matters to Stolas. But it isn’t, we have to dive into Stolas’s POV, get a visual reminder of his family and see how Blitzo looks from Stolas’s POV.

We pull back to the outside POV and Stolas sits and stares for an entire beat after the POV shift (a technique used to tell the audience THIS was how Stolas saw the situation, now we’re back to the main POV), Blitzø is still shrinking away from him and THEN after Asmodeus says “you sold your life for a thrust” is when he hides his face. Yes, I did slow down the animation to actually see the sequence shot for shot and yes, it is a sign I have lost my mind.

But it’s important! This technique is really common in literature and media, you introduce one character’s conflict or flaw and then, to show that it contrasts with another character’s situation you jump into their POV, this is to remind the audience that there is a difference between them, that they are seeing this situation from two different places. The shots are wide for the social status implication that speaks to Blitzø’s issues with public declarations and his own self worth and we jump into Stolas’s just to remind the audience HEY, THIS IS ISNT WHAT STOLAS IS THINKING IN CASE YOU FORGOT ABOUT THE MAIN REASON THEY ARE NOT ON THE SAME PAGE, and then we just jump back to wide shots and bringing Blitzø back as the character whose flaw is being depicted.

The rest of the shots are from main POV and show Blitzo reacting to that. A deliberate contrast is set between what Stolas perceived and what Blitzø did. They present this direct visual contrast using a POV switch to show it. From Stolas’s POV he is being shamed not by the public, who didn’t factor into his POV at all, but by the loss or strain of his familial relationships and by Blitzø presenting himself completely differently when the focus is on HIS relationship with Stolas versus how he reacted to Moxxie/Millie and even Verosika.

From Stolas’s perspective and the audiences Blitzø was relatively okay up until Verosika pushed him, then we see Stolas’s reaction to that. That’s when Blitzø’s entire demeanor changes. He wilts, he shrinks, he makes himself small. Before that he winced a little but mostly he seemed annoyed. Until it gets turned on his date with Stolas. And we see this confirmed through Stolas’s POV, that we are seeing Blitzø how Stolas is seeing him looking sheepish and unhappy right in the center of the shot.

You sold your life for a thrust” is so important in this sequence, Blitzo just basically confirmed from his contrasting reactions and body language throughout the song that what they have is just sex, and we know from Stolas asking Asmodeus about the crystal and following up on it that he is really focusing on the transactional aspect of it and the situation he put an unwilling (at least in his mind) Blitzø in. This is just another bad arrangement like his marriage.

We don’t have onscreen confirmation, so this is more speculation but I imagine Stolas is probably comparing himself to Paimon a bit. His father purchased an unwilling imp to play with him as a child, the imp pretended to be into him to use him for the family treasure and now he’s essentially purchasing the same imp and that same imp appears to once again just be tolerating him for material gain.

Anyway, enough thoughts that depress the fuck out of me.

When we switch back to Blitzø after M&M finish their song we see the public again through their clapping and see his reaction. Now the issue at large is firmly back to the inferiority complex. Blitzø started shrinking and cringing away as soon as the famousness of his date was revealed, as soon as the crowd does exactly what he fears, comparing him to his partner and finding him lacking. Then we have Stolas reaching out, with no regard for the crowd who is back around them in the shots until the hand close up, and Blitzø shuts him down. Again. Once more we have Stolas visibly reaching out and trying to give Blitzø what Blitzø is outwardly projecting he wants (just like Stolas does with the dirty talk), and Blitzø being the one to say something annoyed or dismiss it. There is literally nothing Stolas can do to resolve this, because it’s an internal issue for Blitzø. Stolas externally declaring to every realm in hell won’t fix Blitzø needing to believe it and declare it for himself.

The conversation at Stolas’s house after reinforces everything, that Stolas is trying to do what Blitzø is projecting he wants. Blitzø appears to have an issue with their relationship being just about sex, the same person who goes out of his way to force all his non-familial relationships to be just about sex (even Moxxie and Millie, and when he turns a heartfelt reconciliation sexual with Fizz by asking to make out) and Stolas offers him multiple options for more of a romantic or comforting evening, because it’s what he wants as well, and Blitzø ignores that entirely, just outright refuses to acknowledge it. In the hospital we see Stolas tried AGAIN after Ozzie’s via text to work it out, and talk it out, but when Blitzø shuts it down again and when his initial approach didn’t work, Stolas tries just brushing it off and putting up that happy EVERYTHING IS OKAY image again.

So all this billion words and unhinged analysis to say that Stolas is not Asmodeus, he isn’t the one who needs to make the declaration, that won’t actually solve Blitzø’s problem and he already has put himself out there multiple times. Stolas is Fizz, obsessed with putting on a show.

Blitzø’s issues are internal and multiple people have tried to show him in external ways they love him and he either relates it back to sex, dismisses it entirely or physically removes himself from their lives. This is understandable considering when he does put himself out there he gets rejected, (circus audience, Barbie, his various gigs before I.M.P, Loona sometimes) or people act incredulous that someone could be with him. So the only way for him to complete this character journey is to internally reconcile and externally express.

Stolas is much more external about his issues, he tries putting on a happy face, laughing things off, trying to have a perfect day at LooLoo Land with a disinterested daughter, flirting outrageously with a disinterested partner, he wants the external situation to reflect what he feels inside but those around him don’t give that to him. He tries to have a perfect marriage, he gets a partner who throws obnoxious parties for what appears to be the chance to ridicule him publicly. He tries to have a perfect day at LooLoo Land to recapture happier times and accidentally alienates his daughter. He talks about how much he wants to bone Blitzø because that’s how Blitzø approached him and what he seems to be into in his relationships and is the only way he allows Stolas into his life at all, and in return he gets annoyed looks and insults.

“Or Is it Me?” In Look My Way makes me tear up every goddamn time because Stolas believes there is some internal problem within himself, that he cannot give Blitzø what he needs because he’s BEEN TRYING to be what Blitzø seems to want and gets nothing back no matter what approach he takes. No one will externally acknowledge him. Stolas doesn’t have an internal problem accepting his feelings and who they are for, regardless of status or consequences, he clearly says this in Look My Way and shows it before that with his over the top behavior, he needs someone from outside himself to acknowledge and reciprocate it.

So yeah, I disagree with the idea that Blitzø is the one who needs a public declaration. He might need a private one to take away his excuses but I don’t think he needs Stolas to do what Asmodeus did. What Blitzø seems to need is to be brave enough to declare his feelings for once and not shy away from the attention that comes with that. To accept himself as he is, like Stolas accepts him, and that realize he is just as worthy of love as the other people in his life. Stolas needs a declaration to validate his internal feelings, ease some of his loneliness with confirmed reciprocity and to have outwardly what he wants inwardly.

Thanks for reading if you did. I am sorry for being the way I am.

[cherrycherryking]

i read your model!reader scene and can i just say absolute 10/10 for how you draw and write wally just phenomenonal!!!

may i suggest a sort of reversal where reader tries gifting wally a lil painting they did for him? maybe of him or of a flower that reminded them of him?

thank you so much <3 reader doing (or trying their best) to do a drawing of wally is just so sweet? thank you for requesting!!

┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴

wally darling x gen!reader

Making a Drawing for Wally

✧Wally had drawn you before, you knew from the times he would ask you to model for him or because you would catch little sketches of yourself in his sketchbook.

✧Maybe you're quite good at drawing, or maybe you aren't. Point is that today you felt more than compelled to draw him, could be as a little thank you or just because he was pretty.

✧Julie and Frank (but mostly Julie) had intercepted him to talk about some...case? they were on, something about one of Frank's book going missing.

✧You tried not to stare too much, Wally was pretty quick to notice people looking at him and being catched while drawing him suddenly felt a little embarrassing.

✧God. Uh. How were you supposed to draw his hair?

✧He pulled the hairstyle surprisingly well, but any time you tried it just looked weird, you closed your eyes to remember but instead your brain jumped to that one time it got completely ruined after Barnaby threw a water balloon to his face.

✧Now you're going down memory lane! That was such a fun day actually, even more so when Sally-

✧The high pitched sound that came out of your mouth was completely justified and no one could tell you otherwise.

✧You look to the side, Frank and Julie disappeared down the road to keep with their search.

✧In all honesty Wally knew where you were, even if it was for a second he felt your eyes on him and would have come to say hi either way, why wouldn't he?

✧So now he was leaning forward close to your face and making that damn eye contact. Without moving an inch his glance moved down just a tiny bit, and he quickly catched what you were doing.

✧"Aww! You're drawing me?" his drowsy eyes came back, excitement in that calm voice of him. "Well yeah- but is not as pretty as your drawings, or you-"

✧To say he was flattered was the least. With all the joy in the world Wally told you how good it looked no matter what you could say, and before you could ask him he offered himself to be your model.

✧Needless to say, after sitting besides you under the tree you could feel his stare once more. This time though it didn't make you as nervous as usual, maybe because it gave you an excuse to watch him and analyze his features for so long. Wally looked happy and you could swear his cheeks were just a little more blushed than usual.

✧Whether you think you got him right he's going to be over the moon anyways, sitting close to you arms touching as he talks about how you definitely should draw more often, specifically draw him.

┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴

sorry it took me so long!! something possessed me to do friendship bracelets for wally and julie and if i'm not stopped probably eddie too.

idk how well i write wally sjdksdf i want to capture that "lights are on, house is empty" and "oh hes a little fucked actually" that he has going on, so any advice would be really helpful :)

[vigilskeep]

sorry for rambling in your inbox but having recently finished a cassandra romance, your post abt people not, like, analyzing her got to me. i know you have arthur who romances(divorces) her and makes her divine but i don't know if you've fully played that out, actually seeing it in-game made me feel rabid. it's kind of an insane thing to do to her... cassandra is the divine candidate who /wants/ the position the least. leliana actively puts herself forward as a candidate, vivienne would never be so gauche as to be direct but she clearly is interested in the position. for cassandra it is a duty she must accept, bordering on a burden (particularly if she can never marry an inquisitor she loves as a result). she became the right hand of the divine as a teenager!!! she loathes the trappings of her name and nobility but she's been trapped by duty instead her whole life. free my girl she did all that but i understand her

it makes me feel insane.

i haven’t played it through no. and i don’t even consider myself to know cassandra particularly well (this is true of a lot of inquisition companions, having never finished the game fully with dlcs and thus never felt completely comfortable watching through banter compilations and alternate endings and low approval scenes and so on.) but from everything i do know about cassandra, the very fundamentals, making her divine feels so... cruel? it’s terrible for literally everybody involved except possibly the snakes in the grand cathedral who are going to eat her alive.

cassandra is a woman of action and passion, brash and violent, a blunt weapon, forthright in both her accusations and her affection. the life of a divine is everything she hates; she might as well be the noblewoman in a gilded cage she was raised to be (in a childhood that poisoned her entire extended family and nation for her), or perhaps an honoured corpse preserved lifeless and useless in the grand necropolis (the ones a young cassandra thought looked so “very sad” in the midst of all their buried, wasted finery.)

i was struck during dawn of the seeker by what an obvious publicity stunt it was to make her the divine’s right hand after her success against the conspiracy. a duty she had to accept, was even publicly surprised into accepting. at her age, would she ever have been put so forward in the seekers to be engaged in fighting such a conspiracy, if not for her name? she would not even have been allowed to join the seekers when she did if not for that. she has no skills of good judgement or leadership and it’s only due to the accident of her birth that these pressures she isn’t equipped to match are constantly placed on her shoulders.

she already wanted to leave after beatrix died, but justinia convinced her otherwise, for a failed vision that ended in death cassandra blames herself for. i find it harder and harder to blame her for dodging the inquisitor’s position, considering all that. and to make her divine... she won’t be good at it, she’ll fall into every politician’s scheme and old orthodox pattern even as she tries for ‘reform’ that she has no clarity of purpose for, she’ll be trapped there for the rest of a long grey life with none of the passion she longs for. she won’t be good at it!!! nobody in thedas benefits either! it’s worse! what the hell

(it’s kind of why i love my arthur and this ending the way i do, because of the equivalency. she does terrible things to him, reinstating the circles while he stands alone as her archmage. but he also did a terrible thing to her, by putting her in this position! by ruining her life and also lying all this time to someone he supposedly loves! neither justifiable or comparable, love loses, nobody wins, they are drowning there is no sign of land etc etc)

[gingerrtarot]

◌ ｡ PAC: “I’ll do it later…” - why do you procrastinate and how you can stop it?

hello everyone! welcome to my new reading~

as the heading suggest, today we will look at the reasons behind your “laziness” and you will get some advices on how you can change that.

keep in mind that this is a general reading, so it may or may not resonate with you.

now, let’s pick a pile!

Pile 1 Pile 2 Pile 3

°｡ Pile 1. ◌

Hello, guys!! so right off the bat I don’t actually see you guys as some slackers. People from this group, on the contrary, may be involved in many different activities at once, or at least they always have many plans in mind. maybe you judge yourself too harshly. another thing i pick up on here is that you were this super talented kids at school and now your family, teachers, colleagues may be expecting too much from you. so you end up always feeling like you are not doing enough.also, it seems like you are doing what others want and do not do things that will satisfy your desires. you may be oppressed by others. I see that some of you may want to work in a political field or maybe something related to judging. or you just want to be somewhere where you will be heard in your opinions will matter your words will have power. so why do you procrastinate? there are several options here. first, you may, actually, take a lot of tasks at once, and then you end up doing a little bit of this a little bit of that, and it doesn’t produce any result. Second, you may come up with many ideas and, but you always put off their implementation until later. In the first case, you are advised to learn to prioritize the right things; make a to-do lists, highlight the most important ones and do them first. In the second case, you need to start bring your ideas to execution as soon as you have them. Don’t put anything off for later, take at least a small action that will help you bring your ideas to life. don’t forget about it, don’t shelve them, it won’t make you any good.

one more thing. some people in this group may have problems with their family. They force you to do something that you don’t want, or even if they don’t force you, they gently persuade you or raise hopes for you that you cannot justify, you don’t want it, but you do it for their sake. And here the cards advise, if possible, to move. You will immediately become more motivated, more active and energetic. All the things that previously seemed difficult to you will be given to you with ease. if this is your problem, moving here will be extremely useful.

°｡ Pile 2. ◌

hi there pile 2! Here I see people who have recently experienced some kind of transformation. It could have moved, changed your study place or a job, perhaps you have suffered a loss or something similar. It may also be that you had to grow up early, when your inner self was not yet ready for it. Now you may be in a state of apathy; you do not have the strength and energy to do anything.

And even if you do want to do something, you just don’t know how. It feels like you are in the fog. Where to go and what to do, how to do it - you lack knowledge and skills. I see here a desire to return to your comfort zone, maybe go back to your childhood, to your family. somewhere you didn’t have to decide and do so much yourself. you want and need some help. and some stability and security. You shouldn't judge or blame yourself if you experience this, it's okay. Change can be difficult to cope with, give yourself time to collect yourself both mentally and physically. But if you have been in this state for a long time, you should think about it and pull yourself together. Otherwise it may drag on for years. The advice to you here is to find people with whom you can grow and develop together. You lack experience and knowledge in some areas right now. And help of people now will be very useful to you. Communicate with those who are more experienced than you, with those who can teach you something. Invite acquaintances at your place of study or work, if possible. Or try to find people with similar goals through social networks, with whom you can somehow collaborate. Yes, I know it's not that easy. But even if you can’t do this, try to find at least some celebrities, bloggers and influencers who would work, for example, in the same field in which you want to work. Find those who you will look up to, those who will inspire you and will be able to provide you with some helpful information and this will already be great.

°｡ Pile 3. ◌

hey, pile 3!! There's a lot of youthful energy here. You guys are most likely extroverts, you are active, like to go for walks, relax, have fun, and do some kind of creative work. And yes, we all love it, but you especially. Like the second group, you lack life experience that can help you achieve what you want. And what else is important, many here may not have any goals or desires at all.

Perhaps you prefer to live in the present and you’re not thinking about the future too much. Yes, it may be good, but here it’s a real problem. some people here simply don’t have enough willpower, you indulge your momentary weaknesses and whims. for some, it’s just a trait of your character that you need to work with and change it, if you want to be more productive. But for others, the lack of motivation and any ambition comes from disappointment in the past. You may have been brought up in strictness; your desire and way of self-expression was not accepted, your dreams and goals were devaluated and you got used to considering yourself a loser. Or maybe, having failed, you have lost faith in yourself. Maybe you had a small failure or maybe a big one, in the end it led you to the fact that you decided not to try at all. It may also be that you are one of those who get disappointed and quit the job they started after it didn’t work out right away. Like, you wanted to draw a masterpiece but it turned out to be doodles, and you start to think that drawing is not for you and give up on it. But it’s wrong. You may be born a genius, but without training and practice you will achieve nothing. Therefore, it is important to study and work and not give up after the first failure, no matter what.

Self-discipline is what you need. Of course there is no miracle advice or potion that will help you deal with this. It will take time but in the end it will be worth it. So create a routine for yourself that will help you be more productive and stick to it. If it’s difficult for you to control yourself, ask others for help, there’s nothing wrong with that. Over time you will succeed, be patient. good luck!

[justagalwhowrites]

Lavender - Ch. 8

On the run from infected at the dawn of the end of the world, you fight to keep those you hold dear safe. A continuation of Lavender Ch. 1-7 found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller X Female Reader

Length: 5.3K

Warnings: Canon-typical violence, character death (not reader), miscarriage, Sexual Assault/SA (coercion or blackmail). No use of Y/N. 18+ Minors DNI

A/N: See note at the end of the chapter please. Trying to avoid spoilers (beyond what's in the warnings) and want to contextualize the story choices. Feel free to read first before reading the chapter if you want as long as you don't mind some spoilers!

Tuesday, September 30, 2003

“The Princess Pat” 

“The Princess Pat” 

“Lived in a tree” 

“Lived in a tree” 

“She sailed across”

“She sailed across”

“The seven seas”

“The seven seas” 

“She sailed across”

“She sailed across”

“The channel too”

“The channel too”

“And she took with her!” 

“And she took….” 

“Hello!” 

You threw your arm out, forcing Jessica behind you, and raised the shotgun. Your heart was pounding. 

It had been 2 days since you’d last seen another person, possessed or otherwise. You’d stuck to the woods alongside the main road, hopefully far enough away to not be easily seen while staying close enough to follow the route. You were heading steadily east. You figured eventually, you’d reach the Atlantic, orient yourself and go from there. 

On Saturday, you’d shot six people. Almost people. Former people? You weren’t sure how to count it, but you’d killed six people who were trying to rip you and Jessica apart. It made you sick. “Don’t let anyone take you from me.” 

You tried to justify it. Jessica and the baby made it easier but it was hard. Could you possibly be worth that many lives? What if whatever was wrong with them was temporary and you’d murdered them? The only way you could live with it was by thinking of Jessica and the baby. You could kill for your child and the girl you’d come to think of as your niece. You could live with that. Or you thought you could, at least. 

Saturday, you’d come across a sporting goods store. There was one possessed person inside, someone had locked them in a storage room and you’d been stupid enough to open the damn door looking for more ammunition. You’d been so surprised it took you a moment to get a shot off and the first one missed. You kept shoving Jessica back, the thing lunging for you and snarling until you hit it with the butt of your gun, forcing it far enough away that you could shoot it. You stood guard while Jessica found some clothes and you were able to take your sweatshirt back. It probably would have been smart to change the shirt, when you thought about it, but you couldn’t bring yourself to do it. It was one of your UT sweatshirts, one that said “alumni” on it. Joel had gotten it for you as a graduation gift. It didn’t matter that it was bloodstained now. You needed something from then. You packed a bag for her, too. The store had been pretty well looted but the possessed person in the storage room had left the stock in there intact and you were able to find some useful stuff. 

You ran into three more possessed people on your way back out of town. You were pretty certain you were traveling about a day behind the military - or some military like force, anyway. Did the military actually exist anymore? Did America? But you kept coming across near mountains of bodies. You weren’t sure if they were people who had been possessed or if whoever was in charge now was just wiping out anyone they deemed as a potential risk. There were two more possessed as you made your way into the woods again. 

On Sunday, Jessica woke up crying. It took some time to calm her down. She didn’t want to tell you what she’d dreamed about that made her so upset but you could guess. When the day started quiet enough, you started trying to get her to engage a bit. Pointing out different trees as you walked, signs of different animals when you saw them. You tried to think of something else to talk about with her - something that would take her mind off of the fact that you were pretty sure the world was ending without reminding her of what you thought was entirely lost. You resorted to singing NSYNC. 

“That’s not how it goes,” she muttered at one point. 

“What isn’t?” You asked, knowing perfectly well what you’d gotten wrong. 

“It’s ‘I wanna see you out that door’ not ‘Go walk on out that door,’” she said. 

“Well, I’ve never been a good singer,” you shrugged, still keeping an eye out for possessed people. 

“Yeah, you’re really not,” she snorted. “Heard you and my mom singing in the kitchen once. I think you were drunk. It was real bad.” 

“We thought you were asleep!” You looked over your shoulder to her. She smiled a little. 

“Yeah, I had my GameBoy,” she said. 

“You little shit,” you smiled. “We were that bad, huh?” 

“You are always bad,” she said. “It was way worse then. I was embarrassed and there wasn’t even anyone else to hear you it was that bad.” 

“Well then you demonstrate, rock star,” you said. “Seem to recall you doing pretty good hairbrush karaoke.” 

She was quiet for a minute. You were trying to think of something else to get her mind off things when she started signing a Spice Girls song. You smiled. She was quiet at first, almost under her breath. You didn’t press her. She got louder as the day went on. 

Monday you hummed the Beetles to see if she’d sing along. She did. 

Tuesday, you suggested some of the songs she’d brought home from Girl Scout camp over the summer. She’d sung them for three weeks after spending two weeks a few hours away, horseback riding and swimming and boating. You were half sure she was singing because she knew it was annoying the shit out of her mother. The other half of her just really loved summer camp. She sang the songs so much, you’d learned them, too. You could even lead them. 

Which is how you ended up singing Princess Pat somewhere in the woods along the highway in New York State. 

“Who’s there?” You yelled, gun up. 

“I’ll come to you!” It was a man’s voice. You tightened your grip on the weapon. 

“How many of you are there?” You called, looking around for some sign of whoever was talking but you couldn’t see them. 

“Just me!” He said. “Please… please don’t shoot me?” 

“I won’t if you don’t give me a reason,” you called back. “But I’m keeping the gun up.” 

He came from further into the woods and you moved in front of Jessica, gun up. When he got about 20 feet away, you stopped him. 

“That’s close enough.” 

You looked him over. He was young, probably not even 20, tall and gangly. All limbs. He hadn’t grown into his body yet. His hands were up and his eyes were wide. One of his arms didn’t look right.

“Lift your shirt,” you said, gun still up. 

“What?” He frowned.” 

“I need to see your waistband,” you said. “Make sure you don’t have a weapon. Lift up your shirt and turn around in a circle, slowly.” 

He did as he was told. No gun or knife that you could see. You lowered the gun. He lowered his hands.

“Hi,” he smiled, looking like he was about to cry. 

“Hi,” you smiled a little back. You nodded to the misshapen arm. “What happened there?” 

“I fell,” he said, cautiously stepping closer to you. “I was running, my parents…” 

“How’d you escape?” Jessica peered out from behind you. 

“By falling,” he said. “Down a cliff. It was short but they stayed up top. What the hell is going on?” 

“I don’t know,” you took your pack off and started rifling around for the first aid kit. “But I can set your arm for you.”

His name, you learned while aligning his bones in the way you’d read about in medical texts, was Andrew. You were right on his age, he was 18 and from a small town not far from there. He’d been wandering alone since Sunday. 

“I haven’t seen any people,” he said. “I mean, I’ve been hiding but I thought I’d see someone. Anyone. I was hiding from… I wasn’t trying to hide from people. Where is everyone?”

You weren’t sure what to say. You knew what little you’d seen but you weren’t sure if that was true anywhere else but where you’d been. And you weren’t sure if telling that to a teenager would make it any better. 

“We haven’t run into anyone in a few days either,” you said, tying off the makeshift cast you’d put on his arm. “Feel better?” 

“Yeah,” he said, bending his elbow a bit. “Thank you.” 

“You can travel with us,” you said, repacking your bag. “But you have to do what I say when I say it. I can try to keep you safe but I can’t do that if you’re a wildcard.” 

“I can listen,” he said quickly. “I won’t be any trouble, I promise.” 

You got moving again. 

You made it to another small town that night, the bodies all piled in the center of the little downtown area, a heap of flesh in front of a pizza parlor. You tried to protect Andrew and Jessica from seeing it. You weren’t sure it worked. You set up for the night in a pharmacy, tucking yourselves away behind the counter and pulling down the gates. You stocked up on water, pain killers, bandages and broad spectrum antibiotics before you left. 

You were walking until Wednesday afternoon when you saw the first sign of people. 

There was a man in a military uniform dead on the ground. So it was military. 

“Stay back, guys,” you said, waving Jessica and Andrew off. You looked around for a moment. “Andrew, have you ever used a gun? Hunting with your dad or anything?” 

“Yeah,” he said, voice shaky. “But I’ve never shot a person…” 

“Well I hope you don’t need to today,” you said, handing him the gun. “But keep an eye out for me? If you see someone coming, I’ll take it back, OK?” 

He nodded once, taking a deep breath. You went to the body. 

Someone had shot him in the head, blood splattered over his camo. His body was still warmer than the air around you, but not by much. Whoever had gunned him down was in a hurry, his weapons were still on him. You took his guns - a sidearm and a rifle, both with some extra ammunition - and his knife. You looked over the rest of him. There was a vicious looking bite at his wrist. You were busy looking at that when something moved out of the corner of your eye. 

It was like the tentacle that had reached out of your grandmother’s mouth coming out from between the man’s lips. 

“Holy shit,” you leapt back as the fibrous thing stretched for you. Eventually, it stopped, just sitting there. You looked at it, frowning. 

“What is it?” Andrew yelled at you. 

“I think…” You leaned in a little closer. “It’s a fungus.” 

The thing reached for you. You backed up again before getting up and getting away from the body entirely. 

“A fungus?” Andrew asked. 

“Yeah,” you frowned, standing beside him again. “Which both makes a lot of sense and none at all.” You held the guns out that you’d just picked up. “Pick your poison.” 

He chose the rifle. You took back the shotgun and tucked the sidearm in your waistband. 

“What do you mean about the fungus?” Jessica frowned. “Also, I don’t have a gun.” 

“Yeah, you don’t need a gun,” you said. “You don’t need to be shooting at anyone, you’re 13.” 

“It’s the end of the world,” she said flatly. 

“Not yet it’s not,” you said. “No gun. Let’s keep moving.” 

“Fine,” Jessica said. “But you need to explain the fungus thing because I don’t think mushrooms are doing this.” 

“There are lots of different kinds of fungus,” you said, starting down the road. “There are some we eat, some that does stuff like make your toenails yellow… And there are some that take over host bodies and control them in hopes of spreading.” 

“What the fuck,” Andrew said, taking up the rear. “Like people?” 

“Well, no, that’s the weird thing,” you said. “We’re too warm for those fungi. They live in insects, take over the bodies of ants or wasps, not mammals. But that’s what that looked like. It doesn’t make any sense…” 

“None of this makes any sense,” Jessica said. 

You kept walking. 

That afternoon, you found people. Two of them, in uniform guarding the road, a military truck parked broadside over the lanes so no one could just drive through. 

You were back in the tree line and you signaled for Jessica and Andrew to be quiet, but you stepped on a stick, snapping it. The men spun, training their guns on the trees. 

“Who’s out there!” The one closer to the tree line yelled. “Respond or I start shooting!” 

“We’re not possessed!” You yelled, signaling for Jessica and Andrew to get behind you. 

“Come out here!” He yelled. “Now!” 

“There are three of us,” you called back. “We’re armed but we will lower our weapons if you lower yours.” 

He hesitated. “I’ve got two kids with me,” you said after a moment. “Teenagers. We’re healthy.” 

“I’m keeping my gun out,” he called. “But I’ll point it down.” 

You aimed your gun toward the ground and cautiously walked toward the road. 

“What are you doing here?” The man demanded. 

“Trying to find somewhere safe,” you replied. “What’s going on? How widespread is this?” 

“It’s the whole world,” he said, looking you up and down. “It’s everywhere.” 

“What do you mean it’s everywhere,” you frowned. “How can it be everywhere?” 

“You’re trying to get somewhere safe?” The second man came and stood beside the first, looking you up and down, too. You nodded. You could sense Jessica and Andrew behind you. You wanted to tell them to run. Something about these men didn’t feel right. 

“There’s a base of operations in Boston,” the first man said. “We’ve been told to send survivors there, people who aren’t at risk of infection.” 

“We’re not infected,” you said. “We haven’t had any contact with any infected person in days, we’re not a risk.” 

“We can help you get to Boston,” the second man stepped closer to you. “But I’d want something in return.” 

“She’s a doctor,” Jessica said quickly. You shot a glare over your shoulder. 

“No, I’m a science teacher who’s been training to become a doctor,” you said quickly. “But if you’re injured, I might be able to help. We also have some food and water, pain killers…” 

“Not what I’m interested in.” 

It took you a second to realize what he meant. His eyes were on you, ranging hungrily over your body. 

“Not sure the next time I’ll see a woman who isn’t infected,” he said. “Want to make sure I enjoy it.” 

He adjusted the grip on his gun. 

You considered your options for a split second. There was no way you’d be able to kill both of them before they killed one of you. And even then, could you live with killing two people - two people who weren’t infected or possessed or whatever it was - if it was anything but a last resort? 

“You can get us to Boston?” You said. 

“There’s a code,” the man said. “I’ll give it to you. If you give me something.” 

You glanced behind you. Jessica just looked confused. Andrew seemed to get it. Your stomach turned. 

“Fine,” you said, taking off your pack and passing it back to Andrew. “Give me a minute.” 

You handed him the gun, too. 

“If he goes for either of you,” you said quietly. “Kill him.” 

He gave you a nod. You turned back to the man. 

“Let’s go.” 

You followed him into the woods. He was still armed. 

“What do you want?” You asked, standing there, trying to not think about what you were about to do. 

“Take off your shirt,” he said, still holding the gun. You obeyed, pulling off your sweatshirt and t-shirt at the same time, hands shaking. 

“Good,” he smiled. “Bra, too.” 

You took that off, too. 

“Fuck you’ve got nice tits,” his hand went to his crotch, feeling himself through his pants. “Waist down now. All off.” 

You shakily stepped out of your boots and peeled off your pants and underwear, glancing back toward the road, thankful you couldn’t see Jessica and Andrew. 

“Lie down.” 

You got down on your back. The leaves and pinecones scratched your bare skin. Your stomach turned. Until now, Joel had been the only man to have seen you naked. He’d been the only man you ever wanted to see you naked. 

The man stepped forward, his penis in his hand, still fully clothed, working himself. You looked at it for a second before staring up at the tree canopy. He was smaller than Joel. You were thankful for that much, at least. 

He got on top of you without preamble and you tried to push your mind elsewhere, anywhere but here. He started trying to work his way into you, forcing his way inside. 

“Jesus, you’re tight,” he grunted. You stared past him. 

You thought about Joel. Not about sex with Joel - you didn’t want to connect any part of that with this - but just being around him. How he made you feel safe. His smile. The way he tried to pretend he didn’t like the movies you picked but you caught him sitting forward a bit more in his seat when the story reached its climax. The man over you was making your back drag along the ground and your vagina hurt. You tried to ignore it. Joel playing guitar in the backyard. Sarah making fun of him for his choice of song. There was a cluster of three pinecones over your head. The man’s pace increased. Joel making burgers in the summer. He was so picky about the meat, looking over every package at the store until he found just the right one. 

“Fuck,” the man grunted and stilled before going limp on top of you. He breathed heavy for a second before rolling off you. 

“Done?” Your voice sounded strange. Weirdly flat. He reached over and patted your stomach. You tensed. You took it as a yes, getting up off the ground. You brushed yourself off quickly and got dressed as fast as you could, the man watching you as he panted for breath. He put his penis away and got up. You looked up at him. “You said there was a code.” 

“C’mon,” he jerked his head back toward the road. You followed. He went to the back of the truck and ripped off a scrap of paper. He wrote down a name and a number and handed it to you. “Give that information at the checkpoints between here and Boston. They’ll let you through.” 

You nodded once, reading the paper and trying to memorize it. McCarthy. You looked at the name on the uniform. It matched. You pocketed the paper. 

“Stick to the road,” he said, looking you over again, almost affectionately. Almost like he thought what had just happened meant something. Like he was invested in you now. “Now that you have that, it’s safer that way. Lots of crazies and infected in the woods between here and there, road is better. It’ll take about a week to walk to Boston from here.” 

You nodded once and went and got your bag from Andrew. He was staring at you. You put the pack on and took your gun. 

“Let’s go.” 

You led the way again. No one talked. No one sang. You stared straight ahead. Your hand went to your lower stomach. You tried to focus on what was important. You threw up a mile later.

Sunday, October 5, 2003

“It’s my birthday, you know,” you whispered to your stomach. It was late, about three in the morning. You were on watch, Andrew and Jessica were asleep. You ran your thumb over yourself. There was a bump there now. It was small, if you didn’t know to look for it you wouldn’t notice it was there, but you could feel it. “Last one before you’re born, little one. Sorry to be bringing you into such a shit show.” 

You leaned your head back against a tree, cradling the little bump, and sighed. 

“Maybe it will be better by April,” you said. “Maybe this is just a crazy blip. I can tell you the insane story one day. About everything your mom did to get to your dad.” 

The amount of infected had grown as you’d gone down the road, getting closer to Boston and more civilization. You’d killed a dozen more people. Andrew had killed three others. You’d tried to make it so he wouldn’t have to shoot anyone but you’d been nearly overrun at one point and he’d been forced to. He was sobbing after, his whole body shaking. You tried to hold it together enough to comfort him. 

It was hard to believe that it had been just over a week since this started. It felt like an eternity. Two weeks ago at this time, you’d been asleep in your bed at home. You’d gone to bed that night after giving up on finalizing your lesson plans for the week, leaving Thursday and Friday to deal with during your planning period on Monday and mad at yourself for procrastinating. You were still debating about whether or not you wanted to tell Joel about his child. It all seemed so silly now. You’d die to go back to those kinds of problems. 

At four, you roused Andrew. He groggily got up and took over the watch, you laying down beside Jessica. She sighed and pressed herself back against you. You put an arm around her, tugging her close to you. It was easier to sleep, having someone close. 

You got up and got moving right away in the morning. You were expecting to hit another checkpoint that afternoon or evening, you wanted to put some miles between it and you before stopping for the night. The code from McCarthy had done what he’d promised so far. They took your word that you weren’t infected after a quick once over and didn’t demand any more ‘payment’ for passage, instead just sending you down the road. You were thankful for that much. But you didn’t trust the men at the checkpoints. You wouldn’t be able to relax, knowing they were close by. 

You’d been walking six hours when it happened. 

Your gun was out but held low. You heard the odd, guttural sound only a split second before they came from the tree line. 

There were more than a dozen of them, all of them running for you, strange husks of human beings now driven by one thing. 

“Run!” You screamed, raising your shotgun and firing, catching one in the chest and sending it flying back. You’d gotten better with the gun since the world collapsed, knowing that you had to plant your feet to keep from falling, knowing how to stand to aim and not stumble back. You stood in one spot, firing off the four rounds in the shotgun and taking down three infected before you ran, too, Jessica frantically looking back over her shoulder at you. “Go!” 

You did your best to lodge the depleted shotgun between your pack and your back while pulling the sidearm from your waistband, turning and firing almost blindly behind you. Three shots, another infected fell. You looked forward and saw it before Jessica or Andrew did. 

“Jessica!” You shrieked, an infected launching at her from the other side of the road and tackling her to the ground. It pinned her for a moment and Andrew ran up on it, slamming the butt of his rifle into it, sending it sprawling before shooting it. He gave Jessica his hand and yanked her to her feet. She clutched her hand to her upper arm and ran with him. 

You weren’t sure how the hell you were going to get out of this, firing behind you, barely outpacing the infected as it was, your lungs starting to ache, when you saw the checkpoint up ahead. 

“Help!” You yelled. “McCarthy sent us on! There are infected!” 

The two men at the checkpoint ran forward, rifles drawn. It only took a moment for them to start firing. You instinctively ducked your head but kept moving, hoping it would keep you from getting shot. 

The men and their rifles made pretty quick work of the hoard of infected, the bodies littering the road. You panted for breath, stopping at the truck that blocked the lanes. 

“McCarthy sent you through?” One of the men asked. You just nodded and pulled the code from your pocket. The man took it and nodded, handing it back to you. “Those the first infected you’ve seen lately?” 

“No,” you shook your head. “But first since the last checkpoint.” 

He nodded once and started looking you over. 

“Clear,” he said, nodding Andrew forward. He did the same with him before calling Jessica up. He sighed, stopping at her arm. 

“I’m sorry,” he said. He sounded sad. Genuinely sad. Jessica frowned. “You’ve been bitten.” 

You all but jumped up from where you’d been leaning against the truck, going to Jessica’s arm. He was right, there were distinctly human teethmarks on her arm. 

“Shit,” you muttered, sliding your pack off to get out the first aid kit. Jessica’s eyes were wide. “We’ve got the stuff for this but you’re probably going to get a pretty cool scar…” 

“What the fuck!” Andrew yelled. You looked up. The man was aiming a gun at Jessica. You stepped in front of her, your arms spread wide. 

“Woah!” You said. “Gun down, we’re not a threat!” 

“She’s been bitten,” he said. “Stand aside.” 

“No!” 

“I don’t want to die,” Jessica was sobbing. “Please…” 

“I will kill you too,” the man aimed the gun at you. “Don’t make me.” You made the decision before really thinking, lunging for the man. He fired the gun, the bullet glancing off your shoulder, and turned the weapon so he could slam the butt of it into your stomach. He put all his weight behind it, sending you sprawling to the ground before he starting aiming again. You scrambled to your feet and tried to grab the gun as he tried to throw you off. The other soldier grabbed you by the collar from behind and threw you against the gate of the truck, the metal slamming into your stomach. You felt a sickening jolt just as the gun fired. 

“NO!” You shrieked, the man holding you down, your face against the metal. You fought to look to Jessica, to get to Jessica. “Let me go!” 

The man listened, letting you up and you ran for her. Andrew was over her already and you shoved him back. There was a gaping wound on her stomach. 

“It hurts,” she whimpered. She was crying. You tried to stem the bleeding but there was so much blood. 

“Andrew,” you were panting, gasping for breath. “The first aid kit, in the pack…” 

Jessica sobbed. Andrew was frozen. 

“Andrew!” 

“I’m sorry,” he was crying. “I’m sorry…” 

You looked down at her. Her eyes were wide. 

“I’m scared,” she said. “I don’t…” 

“It’s OK,” your face was wet. You delicately, gently, pulled her onto her lap. “You’re going to be OK sweetie. It’ll be OK, you’ll be OK, it’s OK…” 

You brushed her hair back. She grabbed your arm. 

“My mom,” her eyes searched yours. “My mom…” 

“You’ll get to see her again,” you tried to smile. “I’m sure she’s missed you, probably thinks I’ve been corrupting you all this time. It’s OK. It’ll be OK.” 

You felt her die, a strangled cry ripping through you as you collapsed against Andrew. He cautiously put his arms around you, Jessica’s body still between you. 

“Why!” You turned to the man who killed her. The gun was still in his hands. He didn’t say anything. You set her body down, gently, like you would a toddler who had fallen asleep against you, and got to your feet. Your head spun. You stalked toward him. “Why would you kill her? She was a child!” You shoved him. You didn’t care that he had a gun. He stumbled back. The other man raised his weapon for you. You didn’t care about him, either. “A CHILD!” 

You threw your whole body at him and he fell down. 

“She was infected!” He yelled at you, breathless. You fell to your knees. “She was infected. That’s how it spreads, through bites. Once someone’s bitten, it’s just a matter of time - sometimes just an hour or two - and they’re like them. There’s nothing anyone can do. It was better this way. I’m so sorry.” 

You sobbed. You felt Andrew’s hands on you, pulling you to your feet. He started moving you down the road. 

“Her body,” you turned, reaching for her. 

“That other guy wants to fucking shoot you,” he said quickly. “We have to keep moving, she’s gone, it doesn’t matter now, we have to go.” 

You weren’t sure how long you walked before he took his hands off you. It could have been five minutes or five hours. He’d grabbed the backpack, your shotgun. You stared straight ahead. You’d promised to keep her safe. You’d told her you were going to get her through this. And now she was dead. 

You kept running the attack over in your head again and again. What could you have done differently? What would have saved her? You catalogued every way you failed her, every way you let her die. 

Andrew said your name. You barely registered it. He said it again. 

“What?” You asked, looking back at him. 

“You’re bleeding.” 

You looked at your arms, your torso, but didn’t see anything. 

“No, like…” he paused. “I think you started your period but… it looks like a lot of blood for that. I have…had sisters, it looks like a lot of blood….” 

Your hand went to your lower stomach and you stopped in the street, right in the middle, a yellow dashed line in front of you, one behind. 

“It’s not a period,” you said, putting a hand between your legs for a moment and examining it. It was slick with blood. You wondered how you hadn’t felt it. You registered the cramping then, the sharp, stabbing pain of it breaking through the numbness. “I’m having a miscarriage.” 

You kept walking, the blood running down your legs. You put both hands over the small bump. You wanted to feel it as long as you could. Your child. The piece of Joel you carried with you. You’d failed your child, too. 

Andrew pulled you off the road as it got dark. You were in a daze. You couldn’t bring yourself to get cleaned up or pull a sleeping bag out of your pack. You lay down in the dirt and stared into nothing. 

“I’ll keep watch,” he said. “I can pull an all nighter. You sleep.” 

“It’s my birthday today,” you said softly. You cradled the bump. 

“I’m so sorry.” 

You considered the gun tucked in the waistband of your bloody pants. You knew that, if you tried that way, you’d succeed. It would be easy. Just one twitch of a finger and you could be done here. 

“Don’t do it alone.” That’s what Joel had said, when you’d told him about the way you felt sometimes. About the time you’d tried to die before. “Tell me. Always tell me.” 

“Don’t let anyone take you from me.” 

You took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry, too.” 

You cried, closing your eyes, letting the numbness swallow you. 

A/N: Hi y'all. I'm so sorry for this. I know there's a ton of misery in this chapter, but here's why. I'm not just brutalizing my characters for no reason. Kid is meant to be Joel's mirror. She carries much the same trauma as him. She loses someone in her care and she loses her child. She was willing to do anything for Jessica and her baby and she still lost. What she does with that grief and pain and what Joel does with his are very different. They are two sides of the same coin, bound by trauma and love and loss. I hope you stick with their story in spite of the sad stuff and thank you for reading <3

[doudouneverte]

Why?

a/n: I wrote it in thirty minutes to force my ass back into writing, sorry if it feels disturbing and incomplete...

*not my GIF*

Pairing: Kara Danvers x Fem!reader

Summary: Kara try to understand how you became like this

Type: disturbing? angst

Warning: no power-au, kidnapping, drugged Kara and creepy reader

word count: ~1300

It's from Kara's POV

Why did it seem so real? Why couldn't I get rid of the feeling of her hands on me? She was so perfect, yet she was full of flaws. It was impossible for me to remember why I fell for her. Maybe it was her eyes the first time she looked at me. Maybe it was her voice when she talked to me. Or even her hair (god, I love her hair). And her cute face too. She was full of qualities. At least until this thing started between us.

Everything started like any other relationship. I was mesmerised by her look and her personality, so I decided to ask her out. She gladly accepted, and it was like she had waited for a long time. It was a little weird, but I let it slide.

Then one date became two, then three, and much more. Three months later, we were officially formalising our relationship after we had good sex at her place. She was caring, lovely, and never pushed me more than necessary. So when did everything start to go insane?

Well, actually, I already knew the answer. It was a random Wednesday; we were out for a date, and then we met my friend Lena. That’s when I noticed that she became weird. Her behaviour towards Lena was a little aggressive. I decided not to really question that because I thought that it was just some misplaced jealous act. But then it happened again. Did it really happen more, or did I just start to notice her true self from this moment?

After Lena, she acted weird, even around my family. It was something that my sister, Alex, tried to talk to me about. But at this time, I was too enamoured by her to even notice that her worries were justified. I meant, my mom loved her, and for me, it was enough. 

She was making me happy. She treated me like a princess, always caring, making love with pure love in every act, and she put even more affection in the aftercare. It seemed like I was always her priority, but after some months, I started to find it a little weird too.

Of course, I talked to her about how she was slowly babying me and how it started to annoy me, but I still reminded her that I still loved her. For me, it was not a big deal, but it was a discussion that we needed to have. To her, otherwise, it was…heartbreaking? At least that was what she said between her sobs. She cried that day because I told her that I could take care of myself?

I found it weird, and I talked about it with Alex and Lena. They agreed on something: I should start to let her go. Leave her before she took total control of my mind. They seemed to notice how everything would go, but they didn’t want to scare me, I guess. But for me, nothing could go wrong: it was Y/n, the same lovely and caring woman I met that day. Or maybe it was what I said to myself because I was afraid that they might be right.

Despite our conversations, she still acted like usual. Never leaving my side until it was needed. Always trying to take care of me, even if I could do things on my own. She was slowly transforming me into her little doll. After some weeks, she started to choose how I would dress when we had a date, and before it could go too far, I decided to step in.

I remember that we had a huge argument about how she was suffocating me. But like usual, she started to cry. If I wasn't so angry, maybe I would fall for that, but not this day. I grabbed my keys and left with the promise to come back only when she would be more mature and responsible enough to talk like proper adults. That day I drove to Alex’s house, and then I explained everything to her and how it started to be suffocating and scary to live with Y/n. The night I slept in the spare bedroom, even if I was still angry with Y/n, I couldn’t help but miss her. I was still in love after all.

Then a week passed, and she finally texted me, saying that she took some time and that she was finally ready to talk about it. Even if something in me screamed to stay away from her, I still needed to come back to her apartment to at least take some clothes if I had to stay longer at my sister's.

Surprisingly, for me, she seemed to have some stain of tears on her cheeks when she opened the door. She guided me to the couch and brought two cups of tea. I took a sip, and then we both started to talk. But less than five minutes later, I felt myself becoming more and more tired. I called her name just before collapsing on the couch.

Now there I was, somewhere far from home, chained to a bed in a bedroom that I didn’t recognise. 

“Oh, finally, you’re awake. I started to think that I put too much drug in your cup.” There she was, with a creepy smile on her face. It was the first time that I saw her like that. “I know you should have a lot of questions right now, and I will answer them, but before that…” She climbed in her bed next to me and immediately cuddled with my body as if her life depended; she inhaled my scent and left a sloppy kiss on my neck. “I missed that. I missed you.”

I tried to scream, but I noticed that any attempt was shut off by a cloth she put in my mouth. “Oh, sorry, I almost forgot that.” She said before freeing my mouth.

“Get out of me you psycho bitch!” I yelled while trying to get rid of the bed. She just ignored me and kept her face pressed against my chest. “Y/n, I don’t know what type of shit you’re doing right now, but you need to back off and let me go.”

“Why? So you can leave me again?” She snapped for the first time since I knew her. “Sorry to yell, but you need to understand that I can’t let you go, Kara. I love you, and I know you do too. You’re just getting corrupted by your sister and Lena. But it’s okay; these bitches will not be able to mess with you anymore. It’s just you and me against the world.” Her sweet tone made shivers run through my entire body.

“What do you mean, Y/n?” I asked.

She raised her head and looked at me with a wide smile. “They will never find us; I mean, we left the country a few days from now.”

“What do you mean, Y/n? Where are we?” I asked, more panicked.

“Greece. I told you that my dad had a house here, and he was more than happy to let us live there from now.” From her facial expression, it was not a lie, which meant that I couldn’t go back home? No, it’s impossible. I had a whole life back in the US.

Seeing the tears running down on my cheeks, a wide smile appeared on her face. “It’s okay, Kara. I’m here, and I will not leave you.” I wanted to throw up, scream, and maybe punch her, but I couldn't do anything about that. I couldn’t stop crying.

“I know that the change can be weird at first, but it’s okay, I will help you with that. I will never leave your side.” She pressed her lips against my cheeks.

Why everything was happening to me? Why did it have to be me? She was so lovely, and so caring, I started to dream about a future with her. Why did she need to ruin everything?

[deritosmi]

(long overdue) Can Hobie be a Teenager?

(Here's a lil pre apology for the faint school essay accent)

THIS IS MAINLY USING DETAILS FROM THE COMICS, AND HOBIE ISN'T BRITISH IN THE COMICS, SO YOU COULD ARGUE THAT THIS ISN'T CREDIBLE. BUT I DON'T REALLY CARE.

There has been a lot of (in my opinion-- unnecessary..) discourse on Hobie Brown, aka Spider-Punk’s age since the release of Spider-Man: Across the Spider-verse. For most of the part it was for shipping reasons… But that’s not the focus of this post. A reoccurring statement I’ve seen in this discourse is: “Hobie looks way too old to be a teenager.” 

This is where I say the line-- ‘erm, actually…’ 🤓🤓 and explain why Hobie can be a teenager ‘despite’ his appearance. 

Yay!! Arguing about Hobartholomew Laurence Brown! 

…

What have I gone through, experienced, for me to write this…?

Hobie Brown is the Spider-Man of Earth-138. (I don’t know why, but my intuition tells me that the year is 1983. Though,) generally it’s anywhere from the late seventies to the early eighties. 

Anyways, the points are the standard of living and circumstances. 

In Earth-138, America becomes a totalitarian (something something here something something here) with Osborn as the president. So, the inflation that took place during the late 1970’s - early 1980’s may not apply to this argument. But, the lack of technological advancements 

(okay I know they had laser guns and mutants back there but stay with me) 

medically speaking could be a reason for Hobie looking older. 

If not for the lack of technological advancement in medical care, then how difficult it was to access it. 

As the years have progressed, generations in general have been looking younger than older generations when they were at the same age. 

There are many reasons for this happening, like having less responsibilities, better health care, things are easier to access because that’s just how capitalism works (not a very good way to justify capitalism because everyone suffers regardless), less manual labor, more sitting in chairs for hours on end and not going outside or interacting with nature or people regularly, I could go on. 

(sorry for pushing my anti-capitalist propaganda here, but, uh it is my blog, so.) 

Oh! And also, Hobie, he is an orphan, and has been since childhood. He’s a squatter, a black dude, in America, also, he’s Spider-Punk, meaning he has to fight 24/7 365, and he’s had to fend for himself for like, his entire life. There are some obvious differences between his circumstances and the average teenager's.

This added to the fact that it was during the late 1970's-- early 1980's, it would only make sense for him to look, well, old. Or at least, older. Technically, he doesn’t really look older, we just look younger. We came second. But pretending like we are the main characters and the only perspective that matters is ours, yes, he looks older because of the general standard of living and his circumstances. So, yeah! Hobie could totally be a teenager. (And, in my honest opinion, he sounds like one in the movie and acts like one in the comics, but I won’t lose my mind over you thinking otherwise or whatever…)

Thanks for reading this thing that I wrote instead of doing school work!

[creature-wizard]

Sorry for taking so long. This is shy system ROMCOA anon and after seeing your response I realized I needed to write a narrative explanation of things rather then just a list of painful or difficult truths that have helped us which is more difficult then I expected. I'm going to do a bit of both I've decided. Jumping into it though, IMO simplified Narcissistic Abuse discourse can be a gateway to ROMCOA stuff when it is clear that people who hurt them aren't 100% evil monsters and another explanation is needed. I think that's how I got more interested in it. The NA explanation felt overly slanderous, plus being bitter isn't healing and is actually incredibly exhausting. The sentiments that undercut the issue of intent in a helpful way I think are these: - You don't have to know why someone did something because abuse doesn't need justified. - It is unfortunately true that love does not prevent mistreatment and abuse. - Something doesn't have to be intentional to have hurt. - It's harder that there is no such thing as someone who is pure evil and that nobody is born evil, but eventually you will find many truly kind but still imperfect people. - Intentional or otherwise, cruelty towards someone does not reflect on or diminish their inherent value.

I think people either want to absolve or hate those who hurt them because loving someone who has deeply hurt you adds an additional pain. The questions of "How could you have done that?" or "How could you not remember doing that?" tend to haunt people. Unfortunately, I also think life and trauma are often complicated in mundane ways. Nobody has to be evil or be targeting you specifically for abuse to take place, and no amount of good intentions invalidates harm done. I think this middle ground has helped me because it is tempting to imagine that my family was merely neglectful but not harmful towards me. To imagine that it was someone else with clear and bad intentions.

At the same time it is hard for others to see a middle ground where they didn't need to be evil to have hurt me. It's easier to invalidate my experiences then to own up to anything and it's hard to determine what owning up would even look like. In that regard I try to remember these things: - Everybody is affected by things differently and trauma is thus relative. (i.e. Autism made anything food related worse.) - Strong feelings do not indicate a trauma's relationship to what society considers serious, but it is no less valid to have those feelings. - "Lowercase t" traumas can stack into a bigger issue that is hard to discern the origin of because there is no clear bad thing or cause. Those seem to be the two major sticking points, intention and validity. I think they have so much sway as sticking points because if shit sucks and that's totally valid but most people and even you yourself may never fully understand it, what are you supposed to do then? It feels like a terrible hand to be dealt and an unfair game to play. While I do think the most realistic explanation also sucks ass, I also think that's not where things have to end. Some things that have helped me and system friends: - We'll never be someone without a painful history, that's ok, and it's valid to grieve. - You can't time travel, the unknowns and what if's are ephemeral so eventually the only thing left to do is make a better path forward. - Don't let the valid hurt and anger turn and bite you. If you can, use that energy to assert your value and make something better of life. (i.e. Spite is why I choose gentleness.) - Managing big feelings is a skill everyone has to learn and the process ebbs and flows, but it gets easier. - You're not alone in having complicated feelings and history and experiences. - If you can't believe the future will better, it could at least be interesting. It's worth it to wait and see.

(Please do not assume anything about me or the "level" of my trauma from this. We are diagnosed, though a diagnosis doesn't determine whether or not anyone has issues. I just gives them a name.)

(To anyone reading this: If you've heard the term "RAMCOA" but haven't heard how it originated among conspiracy theorists and was always meant to push conspiracy theories within legitimate psychiatry, further information is provided at the end.)

Oh oof I really forgot this in my inbox for over a month. 😵‍💫

And yeah, I'm not surprised that the whole "narcissistic abuse" thing can lead into RAMCOA stuff.

Like, the concept of "narcissistic abuse" is another iteration of the cultural myth that there's a distinct category of person that if we all just avoid or exclude, we can protect ourselves from abuse and toxic behavior, and it makes a pretty effective grift for people who've experienced severe abuse from people who just had zero interest in treating them well for one reason or another. The question of why anyone would engage in relentless bad faith behavior often torments people who've been through these experiences, and the concept of narcissistic abuse seems to finally provide an explanation that, while right about some things (for example,, it's true that people may lash out when their egos have been injured), is severely wrong about others (an NPD diagnoses is not a guarantee that someone will do this, and not everyone who does this has NPD). Basically, it's yet another half-assed solution to the problem of evil.

But like you say, many people have more complicated experiences with their abusers. And the alter programming conspiracy theory is absolutely a myth that seems to explain these kinds of experiences. Many people don't fully realize how someone might be handling a bad mental health day badly, or might be under some kind of stress they don't know about, or might have internalized some toxic belief that makes them act really shitty over some things, but not necessarily everything. "Your mom acted differently because she's actually a programmed multiple system, and what you experienced were different alters" is the kind of thing that makes sense when you know a little bit about DID, but not enough to understand why the idea of TBMC/alter programming is pseudoscientific nonsense.

I dunno how much you know about Michelle Remembers (the book that formed the blueprint of this mythology), but if you don't (and for the benefit of anyone else reading this who doesn't know), ritual abuse absolutely became a way to rationalize complicated relationships with parents. While Michelle Remembers didn't incorporate the DID aspect into the narrative (it just stuck with repressed memories), the short of it is that her mother was a single parent of three in the 1950's (her father basically walked out) who at least occasionally used alcohol. There's no way this lady didn't have some bad days. Plus she also died when Michelle was pretty young, which couldn't have been great on her psyche.

So yeah, it makes sense that people are getting into it today as a way to explain why their own parents were Like That.

For anyone who isn't aware: RAMCOA, which stands for "Ritual Abuse, Mind Control, & Organized Abuse" is not an innocent catch-all term for religious abuse, institutional abuse, sex trafficking, etc. It was coined by conspiracy theorists to try and make far right conspiracy theories sound respectable within legitimate psychiatry. For more information, see Cathy O'Brien - The First Project Monarch "Survivor" and Fritz Springmeier and Cisco Wheeler: Two Of The Most Dangerous Conspiracy Theorists Most People Have Never Heard Of.

[anthurak]

Where do you see Sera's arc going in S2 onward? Even though she was the one who authorized Extermination Day, she seems sincerely regretful over it and largely sees it as a necessary evil to protect Heaven, unlike Adam and Lute who only carry it out for sadistic pleasure and bigotry against Demons. Do you think after seeing that redemption for Demons is possible thanks to Angel Dust and Pentious's actions she'll either change her stance or double down on her extremism out of paranoia and denial?

So I touched on this when answering your ‘Are the Exorcists a cult?’ ask a few months back, but I’m pretty sure that Sera is going to end up being one of the main villains of Hazbin.

Like considering this look, I think it’s pretty clear the only ‘sincere regret’ Sera feels related to the extermination is that Emily found out and now thinks less of her for it. I mean we already know that she was the one pulling the strings on Adam and the Exterminators behind the scenes.

I do think that unlike Adam and Lute, Sera isn’t motivated by any kind of sadistic pleasure, but rather through fear and a fixation/obsession with maintaining ‘order’, ie; ‘the status quo’. And of course is no less bigoted then Adam and Lute against demons.

I imagine Sera justifies the extermination as a kind of ‘necessary evil’ to prevent conflict between Heaven and Hell. A very ‘We NEED to keep the demons subjugated, otherwise they’ll surely rise up and make war on us!’ kind of circular justification. I also wouldn’t be surprised if Sera tries to make some kind of ‘retroactive justification’ to Emily for continuing the extermination, saying something like ‘Yes, starting the extermination in the first place may have been regrettable and hasty, but we can’t stop doing it now because if we do, the demons will surely rise up against us in anger!’.

And I think going forward we’re going to see Sera push more into a ‘knight templar’, ‘fundamentalist’ mindset, becoming more obsessed with preserving the status quo, no matter who she has to hurt to enforce it. Thus becoming in some ways even more dangerous than Adam and Lute were.

Like whereas those two were simply straightforward sadistic bigots who got off on killing sinners, I can definitely see Sera doing a lot more moralizing to justify any of her actions. Say, going on a whole ‘everything I do, I do to defend Heaven and our kind!’-type rant to Emily.

To wit, I have a pretty good feeling that Sera is going to be absolutely fucking TERRIFIED at the sight of Sir Pentious actually ascending into Heaven at the end of season 1, simply because the fact that sinners actually CAN get into Heaven is one of the massive revelations that could upend EVERYTHING in Heaven society.

Or at least that’s how Sera is likely to see it. And thus probably go to considerable lengths to keep what happened from getting out.

In fact, as both word of Sir Pentious and the truth about the exterminations start spreading among the ‘winners’ and even other angels in Heaven, I imagine we’ll start seeing quite a few sympathetic to the sinners and demons, particularly Emily, start becoming quite vocal about Heaven’s treatment of those in Hell.

And I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Sera, and other angelic higher-ups, start trying to, shall we say… SUPPRESS those outspoken voices.

As we saw in Helluva Boss, Heaven is an amazing, perfect place to live… so long as you don’t stray so much as a millimeter out of line.

[mdhwrites]

Do you think, in fiction, characters can cross a line where it's stupid or wrong for their friend to forgive them, no matter how sincerely remorseful they are?

Yes... But it's complicated.

I know, shocking answer from me of all people. /s

Anyone who wants to say "If you do X, your character is irredeemable" is lying to you. There is no steadfast line because the circumstances for every story and every character is going to be different. If you show yourself to be a ruthless murderer to Batman, he'll disavow you forever, at least in theory. Do it with the Punisher? So long as you kill the right people, you're a brother in arms. Destroy an entire star system? Well what were the circumstances, such as potentially research being warped, ends justify the means, etc. like that.

To list specific acts is to pigeon hole stories in a way that isn't fun, useful or even all that interesting because you're trying to apply our real world to a fictional world without any consideration for its rules and logic which is just, bluntly, boring. So that begs the question: Do I have advice on this matter? Well, I do actually and it comes back to the example I gave earlier.

When you take a life, you risk creating another Batman. That is why Batman doesn't kill because his goal is to make sure no young boy suddenly loses his parents ever again. You have gone against everything he stands for... And so that's it. You can be on the same side as Batman but you cannot be Batman's friend while being a killer. I know you can bring up a lot of stuff in the comics but this is true 90% of the time and I think we can all agree with that. There is almost no amount of sorrow, or saying it was 'what had to be done' that can get around the fact that you have fundamentally offended him as a person and warped how he will ever be able to perceive you...

...Which is actually how lost friendships work in the real world. You can be friends with a criminal. You can know someone does awful things. If you still see them as your bro though, it's going to be hard for you to want to let go of someone you're already close to. We like the bonds we are familiar with and grow attached to. As such, to lose a friend, you have to fundamentally see them differently. To believe there is no reason to keep them around. Otherwise, that attachment may linger, much like how hard it can be to entirely quit an ex because you yearn for the good times, despite the bad times, because you brought them in so close as to have a label that meant so much to you at some point.

I cite Luz from The Owl House abandoning her friends to death a lot because of this element. Luz is seen as the one they can rely on, as the one they can trust, as the one who will be there for them to the very end. That even if she wrongs her friends, she would do her best to make up for it like she always has. Then she decides to not just leave them to die while keeping her safe. Not just dooms an entire world. She does so while claiming it's because she just feels so guilty about a mistake she made that she refuses to even try and fix it.

If she had ever told her friends... How do you handle that? How do you handle your friend telling you that everything you thought they were was a lie? How do you look at them the same way ever again, let alone her girlfriend amongst that group who has to deal with the fact that Luz didn't even consult with her about this matter. Just one day Luz was gonna go bye as an entire universe separated them and she would be left abandoned, alone and betrayed, everything Luz symbolized no longer being what her life had to be. How do you ever recover that relationship? How do you ever allow that sort of trust again?

This is why in media when characters have big fallouts, you'll often hear, "Oh come on, I do this all the time!" rebuttled with, "No! This is different! Look at what you did? How could you have done this? Sure, you're an asshole but I always thought you cared at least a little! I guess I was wrong." Because in that moment, the character cannot see their friend the same way. Something has fundamentally changed about their relationship and so even if they make up, their relationship is going to have to be different from what it was before. Otherwise, all you're doing is reminding the person of all the scars you've left on them.

Because the only fix to change is change, but sometimes there's no way to prove you won't become the person who hurt them in the first place. Sometimes that trust can never be recovered. But how that works will be specific to each character in a narrative because each of them should have a different view on the matter. Otherwise they're one homogeneous blob and just like how that's uncomplicated, it's also pretty boring and that's always the worst sin you can commit with a story. See you next tale.

======+++++======

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

[machiavellli]

https://x.com/heccinbork/status/1811222183500255666

^^^ Ignorant people like THAT original poster who says stuff like that makes me so mad. Especially when those same people ignore the atrocities that the Sith caused. Anyways, the Jedi are GOOD, and that show is very poorly written and pandered to the haters like that original poster.

girl that scene was so out of any Star Wars physics and logic. I can’t comprehend to save my life HOW stuff like this gets accepted when it comes to create new products. It’s almost as if the new Star Wars directory’s completely lost sight of the actual Star Wars lore and what George Lucas meant. Perhaps because they don’t actually put that much of an effort anymore, since from what I came to understand they are shifting in MCU mode™️ , dropping products like it’s nothing. Because you know: quality has never been a synonym of speed. Anyway, they make money with all of this and they know, doesn’t matter how much we get pissed.

It’s just that it is so astonishing to me how willing they are to make the Jedis, a group of people that suffered a GENOCIDE, look bad.

Why are they using the narrative of the empire/siths, the guys literally based off the nazis, for justifying the mass massacre of the Jedis? Don’t they hear themself? Why are they going full nazi? The sith isn’t some cool edgy goth club. They are straight up villains. Then yes, there are some more prone to evil than others, but still. There is good and bad, very evidently so too (as Lucas intended for the Star Wars universe to be).

Using Palpatine’s narrative, arguably one of the most, if not the most, evil character in the whole franchise to justify violence against an ethnical group of people is…an interesting choice of direction, to say the least.

The Jedi were set up for their failure: it was never their fault. You can make them look as bad as you may want, but what happened to them was simply atrocious.

I want to live in delusions and I want to think that this show will end as someone wrote here on tumblr (sorry I forgot who): with all of this being a story told from Palpatine’s prospective. Otherwise this show, the writers in particular, failed for me.

I wanted to like the Acolyte, I thought it had a great cast and a VERY interesting story to tell…like THIS IS THE HIGH REPUBLIC CMON!! I have been waiting for this for SOOO long. But perhaps I’ll never learn: certain things aren’t made to be put on a screen. I was sad over the misrepresentation of Thrawn in Ahsoka and now the one of Jedi’s here. Star Wars do better pls. (This goes beyond this show’s narrative, I’m talking about the quality in any aspect, such as the writing, the stenography, the costumes,…).

Like I’m sorry, but the hot sith can distract me just for so long, but it isn’t enough to save a show. Nice try tho, Manny and that beach scenes was the best part without a doubt.

Last but not least…YES. Like it has become impossible to criticise on this show openly because you get immediately associated with racist bigots. I just want the jedi to have their good representation and for Star Wars to have good stories. I just want the best for anyone and I despise the people doing hate on the cast. They are just ignorants who don’t care about the franchise.

Let’s hope for the best. Mh.

[alpaca-clouds]

Solarpunk and Religious Diversity

Okay, let me talk about the probably most contentious issue about diversity in the Solarpunk space: Religion.

So far I have again and again noticed, how a lot of Solarpunks tend to be very anti-religion, only maybe making an exception for spiritual religions like Shinto (often without even understanding, what Shinto actually entails).

Reason of this is partly the awareness, no doubt, of religion again and again being used to suppress minorities. Both Christianity and Islam are fairly well known for how they suppress both women and queer folks - and of course in the past religion has been used for example to justify slavery and other attrocities.

As someone, who has been active in atheistic circles for a couple of years in his early 20s, I am very well aware of the usual "You cannot choose your sexuality, but you can choose your religion" argumentation going on. Which is of course... wrong

Now, obviously nobody chooses their sexuality, but.. most people do not choose their religion either. Not only that most people are in fact raised within their religion, but... I know a lot of SciFi folks hate to hear this, but we are actually not really this reasonable, rational species, you know? Our brains are made for pattern recognition. Our brains are, in fact, kinda made for seeing intent, where there is none. And because of this... we are religious.

And let me make one thing clear: A lot of self-proclaimed atheists still believe in a lot of patterns, that are not there. A big eample is the "invisible hand of the free market".

So, no, people do not choose their religion. They either are raised within a religion or find a religion, that is especially good at making their brain go "brrz!". Do you really believe people would follow a religion in a country, where that religion is outlawed under the panelty of death, if it was their free choice? Probably not.

And it is because of that, that we just gotta learn to arrange ourselves with the religions. Instead of hating all of Christianity or Islam because there are those that use those religions for hate, hate those people, not the religion.

Atheism and "science" (that is not really science) has been used for hate, too. Just look at Sam Harris and Richard Dawkins and how they act about transgender people. Heck, most queer folks and women and otherwise marginalized folks like me, left the atheist sphere because it was so hateful towards us.

So, no. It is not the religion that makes the people hateful. Rather hateful people will use religion to propagate their hate towards more people.

Discrimating against religious people, will not stop discrimination against other groups. Most religions actually do have a rather solid moral framework. Of helping others and especially the poor, about protecting nature and so on. So rather build on that, than expecting people to not follow their religion anymore.

And for those, who think Shinto is so amazing: Be aware that for a long, long time human sacrifice happened as part of Shinto.

And I like the Shinto religion. But... I do not overidealize it. Like all religious frameworks, it has its flaws and has been used to justify bad things.

So just... be accepting. At least of those who want to use their religion for good.

[osamusbigtits]

YOU KNOW WHAT HAUNTS ME ABOUT KANIESS i mean what haunts the most because there are. soo many things about them that make me go insane. anyway

i can't stop thinking that for kaiser's plan to work through there has been a time in which he had to look to ness perfect and whipped. like, there's no other way ness would have fell for all that: emotional attachment and all that need for ness to satisfy and appease kaiser can only be created once he experiences somekind of affection from kaiser, which was most likely faked and everything, whatever. but it was there!! like, for a couple of months at least, kaiser was probably the BEST friend (or else 👀) the most caring and affectionate guy EVER to ness. and ness is super aware that their relationship changed, there is no other way for it to go: ness feels the need to bring it back to how it was because he thinks that the before was true and real and something achievable.

just like he is sueper aware that kaiser treats him like shit and that the relationship is wrong, he just justifies himself for staying because he thinks that if he were to make kaiser happy enough they could go back to how 'perfect' they were befpo.re .,man wait tearing up pause

ok im back anyway sorry for the super long rant this was. something. also it was all because i saw someone wondering whether ness' flashbacks of the 'happy time' with kaiser were made up by him or deeply altered by his status of unreliable narrator and i just. think that no?? they most certainly felt like that to ness becase otherwise he would not have stayed. that's literally the most basic requirement for abusive relationship. whateverrr sorry 🙏 have a good day

pulls out a bowl of popcorn to read this

no literally. like I want to know if kaiser did actually have a soft side around ness or if it was all a play from kaiser. because we don't get kaisers pov when it comes to those beginning events with him and ness. and my theory is that kaiser did intend on manipulating ness the whole time, but I do think there were vulnerable moments he had with ness that he can't take back. I think there definitely more personal moments that kept ness in close that kaiser either deeply regrets or chooses not to look back on. I don't think he wants to admit it to himself that at some point he did start to see ness as a friend. and I think seeing isagi reminded kaiser of his goal to be the best soccer player and it kinda snapped him out if it.

[adobe-outdesign]

Magikarp/gyarados review? 🐟🎏🐉

Magikarp is everyone's favorite useless fish, and it does a pretty damn good job at being a Useless Fish. I think the eyes really get this across well—this is a creature that absolutely only has a single brain cell bouncing around in there like a game of Pong, all right.

Visually, the design is pretty simple, but it does what it needs to. Like I said, the expression is spot-on, and the open mouth also adds something to it. The whiskers are nice, both carp-like but also reminiscent of eastern dragons, and the body has a distinctive bony shape that'll become even more prominent when it evolves into Gyarados.

The only thing that bugs me about it is the pink mouth; it looks disturbingly fleshy and adds another color that isn't needed. White or yellow would've worked much better. Also, I don't really think the lines under the bottom of the head were needed, but that's a very minor thing.

(Also, side note: this isn't needed in any capacity, but Magikarp was given some pretty neat patterns in the Magikarp Jump game. Some of them are completely different colors and look a bit too much like shinies, but the more koi-like ones are really cool and I wouldn't mind seeing them in an official game.)

The whole concept of a fundamentally weak and useless Pokemon evolving into something badass and powerful is a great concept, and Gyarados pulls it off very well. It's also a nod to the Chinese legends about how carp that managed to jump over waterfalls would become dragons, so that adds another layer to it. It's also probably based in part off of windsocks, hence the water/flying typing (keep in mind that in Gen 1, the dragon type was still considered to be rare and mythical).

Visually, I think Gyarados does a good job looking more powerful without being completely disassociated from it's pre-evo. Similar to the Dratini line, people seem to think the two stages have nothing in common, which isn't true at all. They both have:

"Lips" and wide open mouths

Whiskers

Three-pronged fin structures on the back

The fins near the head having an edge at the top and the tail having two edges

Segmenting of the body

A bony, rigid body structure

Gyarados changes color and gains a more serpentine body, but the visual elements and overall design remain shockingly similar so you can stop trying to say Gyarados and Dragonite were flipped just because Gyarados is long and blue, seriously if I see that "theory" one more time I am going to go apeshit on someone

Visually, you can definitely tell that this is a powerful Pokemon, and I love the shapes and detailing around the head. The repetition of the body segments helps to create a pattern, simplifying what would otherwise be a complex design.

The only nitpick I have is that it's strange that the whiskers are positioned under the head instead of by the mouth, which isn't a big deal but is hard to unsee once you see it. Also, the three prongs on the head would've worked better in cream or white. Otherwise, I have no complaints.

Gyarados also has a mega for no real reason, though at least with this one you can't argue it would've been better as a regular evo, as that would've defeated the point of the Entire Everything.

I don't think it adds much to the line, but the design itself isn't terrible. I do actually really like the massive back fins, which pop nicely and instantly gives a focus point to the design. Other than that, most of the design is just exaggerating things already on base Gyarados—longer whiskers, longer head ornament, long head fins, extra body fins, etc., which works to make it look more powerful.

However, I do have a few issues with it. Adding two colors to a previously two-color design feels like a bit much, and all three colors are too low contrast. I think the black was added to try to haphazardly justify the dark typing, but all the black areas could easily be cream/red without losing anything. Alternatively, making the red areas cream would've helped with the contrast; I'm not sure why they're there anyway, other than a tenuous connection to Magikarp. Here's a quick edit to show what I mean (original on left):

Also, it actually has two giant back fins. When I first saw it I thought it had one, and frankly I think that would look just as good but would've cut down on the clutter a bit. It doesn't look too bad from a side angle, but it's a bit much from the front:

I'm also not big on the two extra tail fins, as the bottom set interrupts the flow a bit (they're also more rounded than the main fins; some consistency would've been nice), and the spike under the chin feels random. Everything else, however, works well enough for what they were going for, and it's at least an interesting albeit pointless take on the original design.

Anyway, overall: the concept of a weak Pokemon suddenly getting super strong upon evolution is a good one, and this line handles it well. Magikarp is endearingly useless, and Gyarados has good contrast with it while still looking like they belong together. The mega isn't quite as good, but it's still a solid enough design as a whole minus some clutter and odd color choices.

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

hello :)

First off I’d like to apologize because I only recently discovered your blog at a time of great need, and have been reblogging so many posts lol so sorry if that’s annoying.

I’m in my early twenties, it’s almost my birthday, and I was born into a family with two affirming Catholic parents and three affirming siblings of various beliefs. I’ve pretty much always been comfortable with the fact that I am not heterosexual, and tend to have some beliefs that are not reallllllly accepted by mainstream American Christianity. Because of this, your blog has been incredibly comforting, informative, and thought provoking, so I thank you for that.

I was wondering if you had any resources for how different denominations thought of nature and wild spaces. I know there’s a lot of garden imagery within the Bible, such as in the Song of Songs, but I was always taught in my religious teaching that wild spaces, such as mountains and forests, were like realms of the devil or something. One verse that was pretty common in my local church is something about filling the deserts and leveling mountains to make a path for God (sorry if I’m remembering that incorrectly). Because I’ve only been to Catholic Churches, I was wondering if other groups and denominations had different views on nature rather than untamed = bad and taming the environment = good.

Thank you and have a nice day

Hey there, anon! Not annoying at all to reblog posts, that's what they're here for ^-^

My Catholic self is so happy to hear that your Catholic family is affirming of who you are!

I'm sadder to hear that you were taught much less affirming things about the created world. You are so right to have noticed that the Bible is chock-full of praise for creation! The twisting of Christianity to say otherwise has a long history with an intentional agenda of justifying settler colonialism and environmental devastation.

___

I wish I had more time to look through specific denominations' points of view for you, but if I wait till I do have time I'll probably never get around to answering this, alas! I can provide this much, at least:

One term that some use when describing their support of environmental justice is "Creation Care" (or "earth care"), so that's a good key phrase to use when researching.

For example, here's the Episcopal Church's page on creation care; and the UMC's, and a Catholic site; and a PCUSA site; and the UCC's...

However, I'm not sure that views on the natural world always split neatly on denominational lines anyway. Moving beyond the denominational, I'll loosely describe some of the viewpoints in Christianity around Creation:

Thanks to Paul incorporating a lot of Greco-Roman ideology into his letters that made it into the Bible, and thanks to Christianity getting entangled in Roman Empire shit in like the 400s CE, some Christianity uplifts a strong dualism between the spiritual and the material. When you pit the spiritual and material against each other in this way, it tends to be bad news for the natural world.

The belief expressed throughout the rest of the Bible — so the Hebrew Bible + much of the Gospels — doesn't construct this binary between the spiritual and the physical. The created world is declared good by God in Genesis 1, and Creation is praised throughout the Psalms and other scripture. The place of human beings in the created world is explored in various parts of the Bible, with various conclusions being drawn — are we in charge? What's it mean to be in charge? Is the whole planet ours to do with as we please, or are are we meant to care for it?

A major example of Christians deciding that the planet is ours to do with as we will comes in the form of the settlers who colonized the Americas. Research manifest destiny for lots of info on the consequences of these views. The Americas, and this whole planet, are suffering greatly because of this way of interpreting the Bible. Thankfully, there are other ways.

The Catholic Church itself actually has a healthier way of understanding Creation in theory, even if the institution doesn't always make choices that practice what they preach. Here's a bit of what the Roman Catholic Catechism says about the natural world:

339 Each creature possesses its own particular goodness and perfection. For each one of the works of the "six days" it is said: "And God saw that it was good." "By the very nature of creation, material being is endowed with its own stability, truth and excellence, its own order and laws." Each of the various creatures, willed in its own being, reflects in its own way a ray of God's infinite wisdom and goodness. Man must therefore respect the particular goodness of every creature, to avoid any disordered use of things which would be in contempt of the Creator and would bring disastrous consequences for human beings and their environment.

340 God wills the interdependence of creatures. The sun and the moon, the cedar and the little flower, the eagle and the sparrow: the spectacle of their countless diversities and inequalities tells us that no creature is self-sufficient. Creatures exist only in dependence on each other, to complete each other, in the service of each other.

341 The beauty of the universe: The order and harmony of the created world results from the diversity of beings and from the relationships which exist among them. Man discovers them progressively as the laws of nature. They call forth the admiration of scholars. The beauty of creation reflects the infinite beauty of the Creator and ought to inspire the respect and submission of man's intellect and will.

There's a lot more — check out the Catechism's section on "the visible world" (you have to scroll to it) on this webpage.

_____

Ultimately, in the search for interpretations of Christianity that uplift the goodness of Creation, and our role not as masters but as stewards of it, I highly recommend digging into the works of Indigenous Christians. As white Christianity colludes with empire and wreaks having on the land, Indigenous Christians speak up for the goodness of God's creation.

A fabulous starting point is Native: Identity, Belonging, and Rediscovering God by Kaitlin B. Curtice. It's a short memoir, very readable and powerful.

Rescuing the Gospel from the Cowboys by Richard Twiss is a little denser, but extremely informative. You can also find interviews and the like with Twiss online, if reading is less your thing.

My own Christian faith has also been deeply enriched by non-Christian Indigenous authors — especially Robin Wall Kimmerer, whose book Braiding Sweetgrass changed my life. I was so inspired by her description of human beings not as the masters of creation but as the "little siblings of Creation" that I wrote this poem about it.

Many Black and Latine theologians have also been integral to me in shaping my understanding of Creation and humanity's place in it. Another memoir I highly recommend is This Here Flesh by Cole Arthur Riley, which talks about a variety of things, including a bit on the natural world. Take this passage, for example.

Finally, there are some gorgeous writings on Creation from Medieval Christians like Francis of Assisi and Hildegard von Bingen.

One last couple of book recs for a look at the holiness of creation: Barbara Brown Taylor's An Altar in the World and Sister Macrina Wiederkehr's A Tree Full of Angels.

___

I hope this helps somewhat! If you haven't already, you might enjoy wandering through my #Creation tag too.