#(also since i was alone with myself for NY i did in fact play DAI around midnight. starting the year with a bang. literally.)
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clicked on the wrong DA game while checking the mod page today
what is happening in the Origins side of things
#i dont check the prev games as much as i check dai/da4 pages#dai bc i replay it too much not to and da4 bc with the boom there's new mods everyday#so i didnt expect. this.#only respect for our troupes tho#(also since i was alone with myself for NY i did in fact play DAI around midnight. starting the year with a bang. literally.)#ichatalks about da
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The one where the reader meets Harry as Jack
characters: HARRYxREADER!FEM
blurb: Harry is filming Don't Worry Darling in Palms Springs while Y/N is moving in in her new house in the neighbourhood where the movie is being filmed. Turns out the fate wanted to cross Harry and Y/N's way as a box full of books is very intriguing to Harry and Pride and Prejudice becomes Harry's new favorite.
word count: 2.7K
author's note: Heyy guys, it has been SO LONG and honestly I don’t think this is best work yet lol but anyway, I had the worst writer’s block of my life so it was so hard for me to write a single word. Honestly, I felt kinda pressured to write. I felt like I was pressuring myself for that so I had to take advantage of this block and take this idea out of my mind. I want to say something important too; I really want to say that the only story of mine that I’ll keep the face claim is HARRYxMODELY/N, just because I like to use the photos to make instagram posts sometimes. I will no longer describe types of hair as I used to say ‘’long strands of hair’’, it will be neutral for you to imagine yourself in the story. It’s all about you guys and how you can visualize the story and the character, if you want to imagine a face claim that’s cool but if you don’t want to it’s cool too. Feel free to read and visualize, it’s all about you. Thank you for the support on my account and my writing. I’m aware that I’m not the best lol, but I also think that I have so much to learn from you just as I have to teach. I’m so grateful for everyone who reads and like my stuff. Never forget that you’re unique, you’re loved, you’re so golden and treat people with kindness always.
"Why is it so hot in here? It's fucking December!", you'd think to yourself as you drove your new car through the streets of Palm Springs. The thing is that after you moved from Columbia to reside so many years in New York while you were studying English Language and Literature in Yale, you just got so used with the usual colder weather from NY and it's just a different vibe from California. You had such a hard time to decide what you wanted to do after graduating, though. And after a few weeks and some long conversations with your family, you decided you would go to California. Palm Springs, to be more specific. You decided that because you remembered all the times you went there when you were a kid because your grandmother lived in there before she passed. You remember spending your summer vacation with her and how cool it was. It was in the early 2000′s and there was many kids on your age that lived on her street. You remember playing with them all day and then getting back into your grandma’s house and feeling that cinnamon scent that for some one only her house had. It wasn’t a usual cinnamon scent. It had something special in it. It made you feel so warm and welcomed. You remember helping her to bake the most delicious cookies, brownies and cakes in her kitchen. You remember the kitchen had a yellow counter, but the entire kitchen was white. All very pale and then the cheerful yellow in the kitchen that colored everything. You remember going to play bingo with her and how it made her happy to having you around. You both were so close and you had such a hard time when she passed, but the most important was she taught you so many things during your time together, and you’d never forget those things and her.
As you drove, you’d remember those streets vaguely. You’d pass through the soccer court you typically used to go with the other kids and spent hours playing in there. You were vibing with the song in the stereo as you started getting closer to your new house’s street. It was Carolina by Harry Styles; you have to admit you’re not the biggest Harry Styles fan in the world, but you were definitely a One Direction fan when you were around 16, but you couldn't be considered a directioner either. You just listened to a few songs and thought it was good. But anyway, this specific song is one that you particularly like. It may have something to do with the fact that you’re from Carolina, of course. But it’s more about the vibe and the melody that by being animated it could actually cheer anyone up and the lyrics were undeniably good though, a little sexual, but good. It’s more about the vibe and the melody that by being animated it could actually cheer anyone up and the lyrics were really good though, a little sexual, but good.
When you turned the right way into the street of your new home, you came across much more than you expected to see on your moving day. There were, as it seemed, paparazzi. Apparently they were shooting a movie right in your street, and it had also many people with many cameras and trailers that probably were dressing rooms. Naturally, you knew that thousands of films were shot in California, that’s obvious. But you didn't expect one to be shooting exactly on your moving day and specifically in your street, let alone that the street would be this crowded since the world is experiencing a global pandemic, ironic. You observed some of the people walking down the street, or should you call it a set? You don't know, but there were many people and many cars, at least they were all wearing masks. It had many classic cars, probably in the 40s or 50s style. They were colorful; vivid colors, though. Colors like yellow, blue and lilac was really present. To resume, the whole street looked like a movie from the 50s and for sure that was the intention because you could notice some extras walking around the set dressed up as 50s people used to.
As you carefully drive through the street, you’d notice that from what seemed like a divine miracle, there was a vacant parking spot right in front of your house and you can’t help but smile when you see it. The first time you came here to see the house. You were with your family, and that was about four months ago. You just loved the house completely as it had such a different vibe from the place you used to live in New York, and honestly, just the thought of the house made your creativity activate as it had some really cool colored walls and you bought some colored mobile as well. Anyway, you stopped the car right in front of your house finishing the engine and grabbing your mask and putting it in your face as you'd use your hand to get rid of the seat belt and your other hand to open the car door and get out of the car.
After closing the driver's seat door, you go around the car walking to the trunk where you use the car key to open it. When you open it, you are faced with two cardboard boxes. One was full of books. Books of all kinds, books of period novels, books of suspense, books of investigation and etc. Books that piqued your curiosity and made you want to finish reading it as quickly as possible. The other box was already full of clothes, those last clothes that you would finally be taking home. Your mother has done the biggest job in the moving issue; she was the one who was bringing the furniture and your things while you finished packing the rest of your things to leave New York. You try your hardest not to pay attention to the set of recordings and the people who walked back and forth, at the same time that you tried hard not to make any noise, because if you accidentally disturbed a scene, you would feel extremely embarrassed and would probably not even show up at the gate until the end of filming, but that was not the case. You removed the two boxes from the trunk just before closing it completely. You chose, perhaps, to enter the clothes box first. You bent down taking the box in your arms and walked to the door of the house where you used the key you received from the real-estate agent to unlock it before entering. You immediately noticed that some sunbeams reflected on the living room floor due to the white linen curtain that covered the glass windows. You observed the contrast of the sofa in such a light tone with the lilac wall just behind it. You walked with the box in hand by the door extension to the room where you placed the box on the small coffee table in front of the sofa. Returning out of the house, you can see the figure of a tall man dressed in a brown suit crouched in front of the box of your books. He had brown hair and properly cut. It didn't look like he was messing with your books, but he was definitely looking at them and it seemed like he was trying to read the covers of it for some reason. You slowly got closer to the man's body without making too much noise while you analyzed him, you crossed your arms upon your chest as you noticed the book cover he was looking at: Love is a mixtape by Rob Sheffield.
— This one is amazing! — You said, surprising the man that stand up fastly with the book in his hands connecting his green gaze with yours. He was tall, really tall by the way. His suit seemed perfect, just as his hair. He had a black mask on as a protection but the 16 year old teenager inside of you could never mistake those eyes. It was Harry fricking Styles. You considerated being quiet as you, yourself were pretty surprised now, but then you took your gaze to the book in his hand and then back at his face — It's like comparing love to a popular song that we usually search to define love. Just to find out that love is like oxygen, or love is a kind of drug, or a battlefield for some... — You said referring to the book with a tender smile on your face that Harry couldn't essentially see, but talking about a book that you loved caused this on you. And as you talked you didn't notice that Harry had a smile on his face as well. Maybe it was because you completely ignored the fact that he is Harry Styles and he was messing up your books as he's on the set filming a movie, or maybe it was the fact that he loved this book just as much as you did. He'd use to say this is probably one of the books that if he had to read just one book to the rest of his life, he'd chose this one and he usually had so much to talk about this book and so much to put on an argument about it but now he was completely speechless. He was just tongue tied. He was tongue tied about your reflection of one of his favorite books and how it looked so identical to his own personal reflection. He was tongue tied for the number of great books that he always wanted to read that was on that box. He was tongue tied at the owner of those books and her beauty, her intelligence of her voice and her voice as well so he just chuckled. A nervous chuckle as he leaned his head to look at the floor for a second before looking at you and holding out the book in his hands to you that calmly took it from his hands.
— I know! It's one of my favorite books! — Harry'd ultimately manage to say it as he observed you admiring the cover and running your fingers through it as a truly book lover would do — It's very interesting the interpretation you have of it.
— Don't you agree? — You'd interrupt him rising your head to examine at his face. He seemed paralyzed by some way, little did you know that Harry was mesmerized. He enjoyed the informal way you were speaking with him, and it genuinely felt like you already knew it each for years.
— That's the intriguing part. We have the same interpretation! — He'd say serenely, and then running his hand through his hair as he frown a little because of the sun that just hit on his glowing eyes.
— Well...Maybe you're just trying to imitate me to impress me! — You'd joke, with a mocking expression on your face making Harry giggle at your words and your face. It was the sense of humor to him.
— Oh really? And what makes you think I'm trying to impress you? — Harry'd say back with the same mocking tone that you formerly used. He'd observe your face go from playful to thoughtful in just as you to come up with a response.
— I mean...you were the one looking through my stuff, mister! — You say raising your eyebrows as you utilized one of your hands to take some strands of hair out of your face.
— Right... — Harry said with a defeated voice before as he compressed his lips together and moved his suit away from his shirt a little as he places his hands on his waist — I'm sorry about it, though. There was this box hanging here and I guess I was just intrigued! — He said shyly making you start walking towards the box walking closely to him causing him to feel a hot warm from your body as you passed. You'd bend over to grab the box but was stopped by Harry taking the heavy box from your hands — Let me help you with this! — Harry said as he held the box on his arms.
— There's no need for that. It'll ruin your splendid suit! — You'd say gently to him as he was standing up in front of you carefully holding the loaded box. Legitimately, he looked hot. He properly looked like a 50s husband helping with the moving with this outfit — And if you piss off your costume designer because of me I'll die! — You'd complement receiving a loud laugh from Harry's lips that shook his head while looking at you.
— She’ll be fine! — Harry'd argue back, then get a sigh from you before nodding at him as a statement.
— My house is right there! — You'd say using your right hand to point at your house, watching Harry turn his back to you and start walking towards it. You followed him through the door that was already open. Harry looked at the house immediately. It had a good vibe, and he wouldn't deny it. The choice of colors was exceptional, but he also noticed it was not very tidy, which would probably indicate that you were moving today.
— Where do I leave it? — Harry asked, referring to the box as he went farther into the living room.
— You can just leave it on the floor — You serenely said crossing your arms together and watching as he left the box on the floor and turned around to face you, but then deflecting his gaze to the ceiling before staring at your face again.
— It's a beautiful house! — Harry said as he moved his gaze through the room. He observed everything. He likes to observe. He likes to notice things that maybe other people didn't — Just like the owner, if I might say — Harry said cheekily and charming hearing your giggle invade his ears as you started walking towards the box of books that he previously set on the floor.
— The owner says thank you — You said bending down and starting to take the books out of the box and place it on the coffee table beside you as Harry watched your movements. You shyly looked at him thinking for a second and them smiling under your mask — For both compliments! — You said getting your attention back to the books. It's not that you don't want to give him your attention. It's that you genuinely think that he's just being nice, and he's probably not even interested in anything that you say.
— So... I have to go back to the film now but maybe you can give me your number so we can talk about your interpretation of my favorite book — Harry said shyly. His words took you by surprise actually but you couldn't hold back the smirk you had under your mask as you stand up again turning to face his green eyes. You noticed that he had his phone on his hand, hoping and waiting that you'd give him your number even though both of you knew that the book excuse was nothing more than an excuse as he was truly interested in knowing you.
— Well, it depends... — you said slowly as you took a deep breath before actually saying anything — If you agree to read my favorite books too, I'll give you my number!
— I'd be honored! — Harry chuckled after letting a sigh out feeling relief that you asked for something so simple that he'd love to do if that would make you happy — What's your name? — Harry said as he unblocked his phone screen and started to save your phone number.
— Save it as Elizabeth Bennet in there! — You said fastly with a proud smile on your face as Harry giggled and did as you ask and then looked at your face as he put his phone back on his pocket.
— Only if you save my name as Mr. Darcy when I call you! — Harry said knowing that after this, Pride and Prejudice would definitely become one of his favorite books ever.
#hwrryscherry#harry and y/n#harry styles and y/n#harry x reader#harry styles x you#harry styles x reader#harry styles x y/n#harry styles au#harey styles blurb#harry styles fanfiction#harry styles blurb#harry styles one shot#boyfriend harry styles#harry styles imagine#harry styles imagines
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When reflecting on music’s most influential artists, critics tend to use statistics to measure their legacy—whether it’s a band reaching #1 on the charts, multiple sold-out tours, or albums that represent a generation. Those types of accolades and praise are for bands that, typically, exist within rock with a predominantly sizeable male fanbase, like The Rolling Stones or The Beatles. For English-Irish boyband One Direction, who actually broke one of The Beatles biggest achievements by having five Top 10 debut tracks on the Hot 100 compared to The Beatles��� four, have sold out multiple tours and delivered five albums five years in a row, they have not been regarded as much of an influential force in the music industry as they should be.
Today—on July 23rd 2020—the band celebrates ten years since they first became a band, even if five years of that time was during a prolonged indefinite hiatus while each of the members pursued solo ventures. A decade marks ten years of One Direction and, for the fans, ten years of an impactful legacy the band, both together and apart, has had on their lives.
After being thrown together on The X-Factor back in July 2010, the band did more in five years than most bands do in their entire careers; they released five albums and sold more than 6.49 million copies in just America alone, filmed one concert documentary and one tour film, completed multiple world tours, and pursued philanthropic ventures. All of those things didn’t come without a price, though. Zayn Malik left the band in 2014 due to his mental health suffering. The band toured consistently every year with hardly ever having any personal time off, and add in an album release a year, they were extremely overworked.
There’s a belief boy bands have an expiry date, and it’s likely their management felt they needed to get as much out of the band while they believed they were still relevant. It’s likely that fans would’ve stuck around if the members took time between their albums and tours. In 2015, when the hiatus began, people wondered if One Direction really could ever come back and, if they did, would fans still really care about them?
“One Direction was one of the biggest and most successful bands,” said @TheHarryNews, a Twitter fan update account. “They achieved amazing things in the five years they were together, despite being overworked by putting out albums and touring every year, which isn’t normal.”
One specific thread that ties together every fans’ thoughts when they reflect on why they decided to become fans of the boys in the first place is the carefree and loving rapport the band has with one another. We’ve all seen The X Factor video diaries, laughed over their banter during interviews, and watched every live performance they did to look out for cute interactions between our favourite members. In their own unique way, One Direction helped defy traits typically associated with toxic masculinity; they didn’t shy away from their affection for one another and made that known in interviews and concerts. Their friendship set them apart, made them more real, and through them, we made friendships of our own.
When someone seeks out new friends, they go to where they feel safest: the communities of people who love the same things as they do. Social media not only propelled the band to international audiences, but it also helped many fans meet the people they now call their lifelong friends. “They have impacted my life in ways I never thought a ‘boyband’ could,” said Lauren, a fan from Buffalo, NY. “They gave me the best friends I could ever ask for, helped me when I was lost and thought I had no one. They ultimately helped me find myself.”
Social media did more than just help us make friends. It was also a major catalyst for the band’s success, and a large part is due to update accounts on Twitter that were created by fans, for fans. Fan-created update accounts would document every single movement and moment made by the band’s five members, whether it was live-streaming a concert or updating fans on the band’s whereabouts. For @With1DNews, a UK/Canada-based update account, it’s a labour of true love for the band that “glued them together” in the first place. “We found each other through our 1D fan accounts on Twitter,” they said. “We started talking about the boys, then our lives, and quickly became great friends.”
Even though they started the account after the hiatus already began, they still felt like fans needed One Direction news. “We had noticed there weren’t really any active 1D update accounts left and we knew a lot of fellow 1D fans were still interested in seeing news about the boys’ careers and lives. It was also because we missed seeing 1D together and hearing about them together. We thought, why not create this space that connects them even if they’re now all going their own way.”
Update accounts take as much time, effort, and energy as an unpaid second job; it requires those who run them to schedule themselves accordingly to cover certain times of each day to ensure their fellow fans get updated in a timely manner, and they do as much fact-checking and researching that any other traditional news outlet does.
Even if some critics might not consider One Direction an influential force in the music industry, the impact they continue to have on their fans is what has set them apart from every other musical act. In a scene in One Direction’s concert documentary, This Is Us, a fan breathlessly states “I know they love me, even if they don’t know me.” This type of parasocial relationship to a band is something not many understand; it’s a sense of intimacy that doesn’t require either party to actually deeply know one another on a personal level but is still as meaningful and significant as actual relationships.
A connection with the band is even more prevalent for Amy, a Los Angeles based writer and mum of two, because of the impact the band has had on her family is something that isn’t tangible but has been detrimental to her children’s development. “I have a child with physical and neurological disabilities who, prior to One Direction, was completely non-verbal and really struggling to find motivation and happiness amongst all the doctors and therapy appointments,” stated Amy. “They have done more for her development, including indirectly teaching her to speak and sing, than any therapy she’s ever done. Up until we found the boys, everything was trial and error; trying to find what makes sense to her and would, in turn, make the world make sense to her. Who knew the key would be a ‘silly’ boy band?”
Many fans have expressed that the band is their happy place – the only positive light in their life when things got tough. For so many, the band came at a time when they desperately needed something to help them through difficult situations whether that be pressure from school, jobs, peers, or life in general. Watching the ‘Best Song Ever’ music video, or a funny interview felt like a cure to smile and laugh after a long day. “They were what we turned to when we felt overwhelmed in our own lives. Now, we’re adults, and they still bring us as much happiness as they did when we were younger,” says @With1DNews.
Not only that, but the band has also helped fans gain more confidence in themselves. By helping create a space and community for them, fans who may have felt lonely, different, or struggled to find a place they belonged had somewhere to go now. They made friends who accepted them, endless content that felt like a burst of serotonin, and a band of boys who told them through lyrics how great and valuable they are, songs like ‘Through the Dark’, ‘Diana’, and ‘Little Things’. Through the band, One Direction fans created their own safe space to work out and navigate their own identity; a space that is free from outside shame where they could be whoever they wanted to be because the people they loved the most accepted them for exactly who they are.
Despite the safety found in those spaces, others have given those fans different descriptions: Hysterical. Rabid. Extra. ‘Screamers.’ Those are just a few of the many words that have been used to describe female fans of boy bands, both past and present. Although these words carry negative connotations, they imply something more powerful than any naysayer could understand or try to define: the sheer force that comes with unashamedly loving something so deeply, you don’t really care about anyone else’s opinions.
Young female fans are the most supportive, passionate fanbase an artist can have, yet they are the most trivialized and ridiculed both within and outside of the music industry. At the start of their career, music’s most beloved band The Beatles was a boy band that catapulted into fame because of, not despite, their female fans. It wasn’t until male fans noticed the band’s progression into an experimental sound when they decided to embrace the band and deem them worthy of their support after they began playing ‘real’ music.
Even if there are major similarities between The Beatles and One Direction, the latter is still regarded by many to be a manufactured pop boy band with a ‘teenybopper’ fanbase. The members of the band have consistently embraced and validated their predominantly female fanbase; Harry Styles has been consistently vocal about this matter, going so far as to say “Teenage-girl fans — they don’t lie. If they like you, they’re there. They don’t act ‘too cool.’ They like you, and they tell you.”
In ‘Girl Almighty’, the fifth track on their fourth album, Four, the band addressed the way their fans have been misjudged and labelled ‘crazy’ because of their passion and not only applauded them for their dedication and love, but bowed down to them as well; “Let’s have another toast to the girl almighty […] I get down on my knees for you.” Not only has One Direction always known who helped them get to where they are today, but they’ve also never shied away from declaring their respect for them, constantly validating their fans’ feelings.
For One Direction’s fans, a decade of the band’s formation represents ten years of a legacy that will continue on, even if the band never formally get back together. For Amy, it doesn’t really matter if they got their start on a TV talent show because it’s the fans that made them and set the band apart from every other boyband. “What we all created together feels so untouchable in regards to boy bands of the past and ones to come. I think people will look back in awe and see what we see; we’ve been so incredibly lucky to have witnessed the magic of One Direction.”
They might not be aware of it, but One Direction was incredible at predicting what was to come in their own music; “Who’s gonna be the first to say goodbye?” / “But it’s not the end, I’ll see your face again” / “We had some good times, didn’t we? We wore our hearts out on our sleeve” / “We could be the greatest team that the world has ever seen.” In ‘Best Song Ever’, a song that ordinary listeners would not exactly consider overly sentimental or profound, there is one lyric that will always stand out for the fans to represent One Direction’s legacy perfectly: “I hope you’ll remember how we danced.” Ten years later, we haven’t forgotten.
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I'm again making myself to ponder things when I should sleep. I have made a couple of posts where I say I might be aplatonic (as I'm already aroace) but the more I google it, the less I understand. The meaning seems to change based on who you're asking from. Tumblr is full of posts that say a) aplatonic is when you don't desire a queerplatonic relationship or so OR b) when you don't want to have friends.
Then I'm finding terms platonic love and platonic attraction. Some sources say there's no such thing as platonic ATTRACTION, then some sources say it's when you just see someone (random) and want to be their friend. Most sources say you define the whole difference between platonic and everything else yourself and that no one can give a simple answer to it because it's different and individual for everyone.
And then there's "squishes" aka platonic crushes. I don't understand this either. I think somewhere it was explained as wanting to be just the most important person in someone's life and that the feeling is mutual with said person. Somewhere it was the person you want to be in a QPR with. Somewhere it was called as a "friend crush" ans I've used this word only about when I see a new interesting looking person and think to myself "oh I wonder how would it be like their friend???" and apparently it's not what a squish is..? And I don't understand what is it, then.
So I'm here just like ???????????? because I just wanted to read how do people experience platonic love so that I could compare my feelings or lack of them to theirs to know if I'm even capable of it. For a moment I thought maybe I'm demiplatonic but if it's not an attraction but more like a very strong type of a friendship... I just don't know anything anymore.
I really dislike the word "love" anyway. The Finnish version is even stronger and I think I stopped using it when I was less than 10 years old, as I started to understand more about things. I don't understand the concept nor what it feels like. Which is why it's so hard for me to figure out if I'm capable of platonic love or not. Because I don't have anything to compare it to. I use "love" only when I talk about things or animals, or human made things like bands, but I never use it about humans and never say it to anyone, not even to animals (I don't even e.g. kiss animals ever despite really loving animals). Even when I say I love a band, I mean I love the band that just happens to be made by humans but I don't say I'd love the humans in that band. I love the concept and the concept only, and what the people behind it do.
I do enjoy deep friendships and emotional intimacy and some friendships are deeper than others and it's very rare to find such deeper ones. Which is why I started wondering if it's "demiplatonic" in action here since I don't get too sentimental with people too easily, and even then if I do, it's very rare and afterwards I might still start regretting and feeling like I let out too much and wish I had a way to push all those words back in. As when I'm not feeling sentimental, they make me embarrassed and weirded out, but if I do feel sentimental, it makes me feel really good if I for chance also say something instead of being my normal "cold-hearted" self. I'm actually sensitive and sensitive, I just hide it very well. Partially it's also my adhd, me getting excited and not being able to contain myself plus I tend to mirror people. Deeper friendships are usually a result of the friend doing or saying something that makes it deeper for maybe both because I am a coward and socially awkward and don't know how to do that or sometimes might do so accidentally without realizing it and then I worry if I was too much and if I went too far just because I don't always get social cues and hidden rules.
But also - me not knowing what platonic love feels like might just be lack of experience. I don't really have friends to meet and I've never been too close with those friends who are not blood-relatives; and with online friends it's possible to form really deep friendships too but you still can't know how would it be to hang out for longe periods of time together. I have had online friends who were basically some of ny best friends until I met them in person and it didn't click as much as it did online. Online friends are important but the fantasy in your head is pure fantasy based on interaction over internet but it might be totally different from the reality because you don't know the other person's quirks and other habits that are present only when you are physically in the same space.
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Talking of those attraction things and whatnot, I kinda divided these all into a few categories for myself, for my personal use, to help myself understand the concepts better. Here's what I think of them and if it's an attraction, do I experience it?
Sexual attraction: I'm asexual and can't fully even understand what it's supposed to feel like so nope, I don't feel this. I'm also sex-repulsed.
Romantic attraction: I'm aromantic too, look at previous answer.
Sensual attraction: I'm touch-repulsed, and also have never felt this kind of attraction ever either.
Aesthetic attraction: I do feel this one! I just wanna observe and watch from afar because they please my eye. I don't necessarily desire to even befriend them, they just look nice.
Platonic attraction: If it exists, I think this is my type of a "friend crush" where I just see interesting looking person and feel like I wanna get to know them and be their friend.
Platonic love: I don't know. If it's possible to use same terms of this, then I think it might be possible to be demiplatonic. Meaning that it needs a strong emotional bond before anything.
Then there's all these other relationships things mentioned and I don't desire any kind of relationship, not even a queerplatonic one. I do kinda like the idea of "the mutual best-of-the-best friend" but mainly because of my fear of abandonment and how I always feel I'm left alone when allo(romantic)s find spouses and I'm not looking for a partner. I don't want wvwna commune, I want to live alone in my own space without sharing anything with anyone else. I'm also touch repulsed like I said there so any kind of even friendly physical intimacy is (most likely) out of question. I let people hug me if they want to and if they make it short, but I'm never gonna be the one to place a finger on anyone at first, in fact I have never answered hugs, they confuse me too much and touching is either too overwhelming because of sensory issues or maybe I have social anxiety related traumas from school, I don't know.
I still don't know what a squish is. I do hyperfixate on people but it's hard to say if it's just ADHD or an actual "squish", since it's mostly that I just can't stop thinking about someone and talking with them makes my day always but that's all. Sometimes it makes me feel bad because I don't like hyperfixating on people. I mean, literally I DO like it because dopamine~ but I just have a bad conscience because I don't want my brain to think people are just free sources of dopamine. And it's kinda annoying because can't talk with a person 24/7 because THEY'RE A LIVING ORGANISM WITH A WILL OF THEIR OWN and hyperfixating on something like a video game makes much more sense and is less frustrating because people always leave and I'm left with hyperfixation/hyperfocus I can't fill but a video game will never say they have to go and I can play it for 12h in a row if I really desire to.
But yeah, let's see if this cleared up any thoughts for me...
#mcrmadness' deep thoughts#long post#human relationships are hard#Nice it's almost 9am again -> me to sleep
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My Dinner with Andre
My Dinner with Andre might be one of the most difficult movies for many viewers to watch. The artsy crowd would call it minimalist while the more lowbrow among us would say it’s boring! There’s just so little to it that there is a valid case for both. The story is simply a struggling young playwright, Wally agrees to meet an acquaintance, Andre, for dinner at a nice restaurant in decaying New York city and conversation ensues. The end. But like so many things in life, My Dinner with Andre gives you so much more if you really listen closely. I recently watched it again and I forgot just how great it is and how it continues to speak to us today.
It’s so stark and unapologetic about being without plot that it’s become the subject of many pop culture parodies. I know there is a Simpson’s reference to it but I most enjoyed the episode of Community that spoofs it. You may think that this comes from a place of common dislike for the movie but it’s actually the opposite. The parodies just prove how influential and beloved it is. Why? For me, the appeal is the conversation itself. It’s been celebrated for being a complete fiction that does a great job at coming across as a documentary but that’s just appreciation on a formal level. It’s not just that they had a conversation that’s important, it’s what they talk about that matters. The content of that discussion is so important, the writers and filmmaker felt it merited being the subject of a film without any distraction. To say that Louis Malle created My Dinner with Andre for the iconoclasm alone, misses the point.
The two men seated at dinner are artists/playwrights and catch up on the long period since they last encountered each other. They’re not really friends and Wally even debates cancelling the dinner before ultimately opting to go. He’s a working writer and artist making ends meet in New York City while Andre has had a long hiatus from creative life spent on travel and self examination. Wally confirms their community speculation that Andre has money that allows his adventures. Andre at first spends dominates the conversation with anecdotes about mutual acquaintances and talks about some of the retreats and workshops he’s attended recently. Andre has dropped out of the arts and has been on a personal quest to find himself after becoming disillusioned with his life.
In the time since they last spoke Andre describes a crisis in his creative life. He left the theater and traveled to Poland where he spent time with strangers in the woods creating experimental theater. He didn’t speak or understand Polish and they didn’t understand English but the time spent together was transformative. What began for him as creative exploration in the woods forced him to act as himself and in so doing he was forced to examine his life and how he acts when he plays himself:
So, you follow the same law of improvisation…which is that you do whatever your impulse, as the character, tells you to do…but in this case, you are the character. So there's no imaginary situation to hide behind…and there's no other person to hide behind. What you're doing, in fact, is you're asking those same questions…that Stanislavsky said the actor should constantly ask himself as a character:
Who am I? Why am I here? Where do I come from, and where am I going?
But instead of applying them to a role, you apply them to yourself.
Andre tells more stories of his spiritual and creative adventures. For him, his journey to this dinner has been full of magic, mystery, serendipity and travel to exotic locations including India and even a Saharan Oasis. The restaurant is quite nice but it is still remarkably banal compared to Andre’s monstrous hallucinations and descriptions of his process of personal exploration. It culminates in a description of being buried alive in Montauk, NY. From that point on, Andre becomes surprised by his own reactions to things in his life. He even begins to look at himself and the sort of person who would spend his time the way he has. People in his life who he called friends, repulse him. Figures on television appear to be objectively horrible people. He says,
And I suddenly had this feeling I was just as creepy as they were…and that my whole life had been a sham…
…
I mean, I really feel that I'm just washed up, wiped out. I feel I've just squandered my life.
Moments later he goes on to say,
Well, you know, I may be in a very emotional state right now, Wally.…but since I've come back home I've just been finding the world we're living in…more and more upsetting.
It’s as though Andre has a new perception of the world that is in stark contrast to his former self. He’s alone in this perspective until he sees a woman working in the theater who recognizes the trouble on his face. Where everyone else he encountered commented on how great he looked, this woman somehow knew by looking at him, the emotional state he was in. Because of this woman’s recent loss of her mother, she was able to see him clearly. Andre says,
She didn't know anything about what I'd been going through. But the other people, what they saw was this tan, or this shirt…or the fact that the shirt goes well with the tan.
So they said, " Gee, you look wonderful." Now, they're living in an insane dreamworld.
They're not looking.
That seems very strange to me. Right, because they just didn'ts ee anything, somehow.…except, uh, the few little things that they wanted to see.
All of this has resonated with me very personally. I similarly feel as though my perspective on the world has shifted and it has made me incompatible with things as they are and people who aren’t looking. It’s as though my prior life was a dream, honestly. When I think of how I thought about the world and other people for most of my life, I also hate that prior self. I agree with Andre that that earlier version of myself inhabited an insane dreamworld. Andre describes it using the example of his dying mother. Although she was terminally ill and appeared only minutes away from death, the specialist was beaming at all the progress she was making. For this doctor, he had so narrowed his goals/perception to her arm that any healing on that front was cause for celebration. Insane.
I mean, we're just walking around in some kind of fog. I think we're all in a trance. We're walking around like zombies. I don't…I don't think we're even aware of ourselves or our own reaction to things.
We…We're just going around all day like unconscious machines…and meanwhile there's all of this rage and worry and uneasiness…just building up and building up inside us.
And later, Andre continues to describe this state of mind:
Isn't it amazing how often a doctor…will live up to our expectation of how a doctor should look? When you see a terrorist on television, he looks just like a terrorist. I mean, we live in a world in which fathers…or single people, or artists…are all trying to live up to someone's fantasy…of how a father, or a single person,or an artist should look and behave.
They all act as if they know exactly how they ought to conduct themselves…at every single moment…and they all seem totally self-confident.
For two men involved in theater, they are approaching the idea that who we fashion ourselves to be, is selected from clearly defined character behaviors and appearance. For an actor, it must be disturbing for there to be no leap between the actor and the character. Why is it that someone who adopts the role of artist in real life, chooses to look like what we expect? As average people in our world, we’re acting our roles as they have been defined for us by someone else. This should be alarming to everyone and not just Andre and Wally.
I mean, we just put no value at all on perceiving reality. I mean, on the contrary, this incredible emphasis that we all place now.…on our so-called careers…automatically makes perceiving reality a very low priority…because if your life is organized around trying to be successful in a career…well, it just doesn't matter what you perceive or what you experience. You can really sort of shut your mind off for years ahead, in a way. You can sort of turn on the automatic pilot.
How many of us are doing this right now? I did it for many years, always overlooking the here and now for some future reward that all of it was building towards. I also think if your focus is on a career, it’s less on the experience and wisdom needed to fully embody that role. This is why this is such a great film. It may not wow you with realistic explosions but it challenges you to question your view on your life and your world. You shouldn’t be content with the way things are. If you are, you are part of a very fortunate few and you may be overlooking much of the world to do so.
people's concentration is on their goals.…in their life they just live each moment by habit.
…
And if you're just operating by habit…then you're not really living. I mean, you know, in Sanskrit, the root of the verb " to be".…is the same as " to grow" or " to make grow. "
This is something I think about a lot. I live as a cartoonist dedicated to writing and drawing and designing and promoting and tweeting and posting and editing etc. in a driving need to produce, produce, produce. Am I really living? I don’t think so. It’s okay to admit it. This wasn’t a world of my creation but if I’m alive and active in it, I can change it. This film gave me a way to understand the things that I’ve gone through over the last few years. Without art, I wouldn’t have evidence that others have been where I stand. I feel less alone and more hopeful.
Wally talks about the need for escapism and comfort from art against the harsh reality of every day life. The choice is to create art that is comforting but for all its warmth, fails to acknowledge reality and might contribute to a collective disengaging with reality and most importantly, each other.
…we're starving because we're so cut off from contact with reality…that we're not getting any real sustenance,'cause we don't see the world. We don't see ourselves. We don't see how our actions affect other people.
This is heady stuff, for sure. All of this is to get us thinking about the nature of our lives and really see the things we’ve chosen for ourselves. To truly be free is to be able to think outside the characters and roles defined for us…even the ones we think we chose but didn’t create. Only by looking at ourselves honestly and as objectively as possible can we see how far from our own humanity we have come. Andre went through a personal crisis in which he went through a dramatization of his own death and rebirth. The fresh eyes this has given him as illuminated a very dark reality. There are no fancy distractions in this film because it is a battle cry for humanity’s future. Under the guise of a polite conversation about things most average people would discount as having no bearing on reality is actually about a fundamental reality that has changed without our conscious consent. His advise:
Get out of here.
…
the 1960s.…represented the last burst of the human being before he was extinguished…and that this is the beginning of the rest of the future, now…and that from now on there'll simply be all these robots walking around…feeling nothing, thinking nothing. And there'll be nobody left almost to remind them.…that there once was a species called a human being…with feelings and thoughts…and that history and memory are right now being erased…and soon nobody will really remember.…that life existed on the planet.
#My Dinner with Andre#Louis Malle#Wallace Shawn#Andre Gregory#Apocalypse already happened#Apocalypse#End of humanity#Humanity#Robots#Bots#Trolls#Theater#Acting#The Meaning of Life#Art#Reality#Action Packed Conversation#Battle Cry for Humanity#The Simpsons#Community#Parody#New York City
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Lovely Good Omens fandom! Many of you have asked for/mentioned having a text version of the Yelp reviews, which if I were a better person I would have remembered to include in the first place. Better late than never? So here’s a version below and I also threw this up on AO3 so there are options. For the record, I’m not at all trained in transcribing visual media, so if anyone wants to add to/edit/do whatever to this post, especially to make it more accessible, you have carte blanche to do so 👍
Also I typed this up in a hurry so, as always, apologies for any typos.
Tagging: @lethargicdolphin, @marithlizard, @pearwaldorf
A.Z. Fell and Co. Antiquarian and Unusual Books
Recommended Reviews
Lindsay F.
London, United Kingdom
71 friends
3000 reviews
9874 photos
So I slipped into this place because I spotted my ex across the street and would have rather chugged a cocktail of bleach, lighter fluid, and a condensed solution of all my middle school years then talk to that asshole. Owner was on me the second I walked through the door and I thought he was gonna be one of those ‘Either buy something or get out’ types. Nah. I spilled the story, said I really wasn’t looking to purchase anything, and he LIT UP like nobody’s business. He gave me tea and promised I’d never run into my ex again. Which is a super sketchy promise on its own and also should have been hilarious coming from a guy a century behind in style.
...Kinda believed him though.
Marina G.
London, United Kingdom
0 friends
33 reviews
48 photos
Pretty sure this guy wants a library, not a bookshop. I mean, he’s nice and all when you first come in, but trying to actually buy a book? Good fucking luck. He’s too busy to see you right now (for the record he’s super bad at pretending to be busy). Or claims that this book has already been put on reserve (then why wasn’t it in the reserve pile...?). Or the price suddenly jumped an obscene amount. Or he just straight up hems and haws until you get fed up and leave. I watched him pull a novel straight out of a woman’s hands once when she claimed that price was no object and she wouldn’t be leaving the store until she’d purchased it. You’d think she was trying to kidnap one of the guy’s kids!
So yeah. Feel like popping in to browse, maybe take pictures for your research, all while making quiet conversation with someone who quite frankly knows his stuff? This is the place for you. Want to actually buy something? Go elsewhere. Pretty sure Fell doesn’t even own a cash register. At least I’ve never seen one.
He wants a library and I’d honestly tell him as much if he didn’t scare me just a little bit...
Aaron S.
New York, NY
68 friends
212 reviews
337 photos
I stayed here for three days once. Found a bathroom off the romance section and a chair hidden away in the back. Way comfier than my mattress at home. Mostly played iPhone games and kept real quiet at night. Experiment ended when I popped out for breakfast and didn’t make it back before a random 10:00am closing. Don’t think the owner ever realized what was up.
Hana S.
London, United Kingdom
112 friends
115 reviews
208 photos
I really love this place. I’ve been coming here since I moved to London, about twelve years ago, and it’s one of the most soothing bookstores I’ve ever had the pleasure of visiting. Yeah, you hear talk of weird things going on at Fell’s, but really? We could all do with a bit more quirky in our lives. And Fell provides that in spades: Annual plants that never seem to wither, let alone die. The smell of incense mixing with cocoa. Strange books tucked horizontally into the shelves, feeling like they have a touch of magic to them. Nonsensical conversations taking place in dark corners (I’m talking candid chats about the apocalypse and whether angels could actually bless all the rains down in Africa. I swear Fell and his boyfriend are the religion Mythbusters or something.) I’m going to sound like a total nerd here for a moment, but it feels like some sort of liminal space. You know when you were a kid and you were just desperate to receive your Hogwarts letter? Or find your own wardrobe to Narnia? That’s what walking into Fell’s feels like. Like you’ve finally found that portal and can stay as long as you like, provided you don’t try to take anything back with you into the ‘real’ world. Hell, maybe that’s why he won’t let anyone buy his books.
Robert T.
Union City, CA
4 friends
26 reviews
3 photos
There’s a snake?? In this shop?? A reALLY MASSIVE SNAKE????? What are y’all doing talkin’ about your meet cutes and shit someone call pest control!
Malini D.
London, United Kingdom
0 friends
48 reviews
99 photos
I’m not gonna pretend I have anything to say about whether this is a good bookstore or not, but if you ever want knitting help you should definitely stop by. Mr. Fell knows an absurd amount about crafts for a guy who looks like my grandpa and he’s now replaced Youtube as my go-to for alleviating “Omg please fix this how the hell did I manage to reverse the pattern??” panic. For the record, I didn’t just wander up to a random bookseller one day and demand that he help me salvage the ruins of my first sweater. I’d taken a seat inside to wait out a storm, had my messy sleeve stuffed into my purse, and he’d offered the help. Bit of a bastard about things like gauge and color--not everyone wants to wear tartan, dude--but you get used to that. He means well. Said I should come back to show him the finished piece, which I did. Things just kind of spiraled from there. He’s an absolute treasure trove of knowledge once you get him talking and a muffin to boot. If he were twenty years younger and in any way straight I would have asked him out in a heartbeat. As it is I’m considering setting him up with Grandpa.
Tiffany L.
London, United Kingdom
132 friends
312 reviews
34 photos
I’m not really a book person myself but I followed my wife in with our seventh-month old and was kinda embarrassed when he started making a fuss. Normally I’m full Badass Mom mode while in public--I’ve got a kid to feed, change, sooth, and you all can damn well deal with it--but this place was so quiet Liam seemed extra loud in comparison. I was about to take him back out when a man appeared out of nowhere. The owner I guess, based on how some of these other reviews describe him. Older gentleman with clothes out of some period piece. Anyway, he scoops Liam into his arms like he was born for it and started bouncing. Our fussy, temperamental, drama queen Liam settled in an instant and my wife got to browse to her heart’s content. I don’t know how he did it, but that man is an absolute angel. Full stars for that moment alone.
Gillian L.
The Hague, The Netherlands
283 friends
256 reviews
60 photos
Anyone know if the old Bentley parked out front is for sale?
Update: It’s really, really, really not
Billy H.
Austen, TX
40 friends
2073 reviews
774 photos
QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS SO MANY QUEER BOOKS!!!
Gabriela G.
London, United Kingdom
3 friends
22 reviews
1 photos
Run by this delightfully frumpy guy who sometimes hands out biscuits from a sewing tin like my gran used to. He asked me if I was looking for anything in particular and I told him my name was Jared, I was 19, but sadly I’d never learned how to read. I have NEVER seen a man more confused in my life. 10/10 would meme him again.
Colie A.
Enola, PA
201 friends
2778 reviews
10382 photos
I’m setting the record straight here since there are a bunch of reviews claiming it’s just London folklore: there is a snake at A.Z. Fell’s. Must be an exotic pet he usually keeps upstairs because I’ve only ever seen it twice. Is it big? Yes. Scary? Fuck yes, but I’ve never seen it do anything more than give a warning hiss at this drunk who wandered in and started yelling. (Are snakes good guard dogs? This one is.) The other time he was just chilling on top of one of the shelves. Snoozing, I guess. I asked Mr. Fell if I could pet him and he said maybe after he woke up, but then I had to get to class and all.
Afraid of snakes? Steer clear. Otherwise I’d really recommend popping in and seeing if he’s around. Idk, maybe I’m just a snake fan but he looks super sweet and chill. Life is short. Boop the snake snoot.
Jeremy W.
London, United Kingdom
86 friends
409 reviews
12 photos
I live down the street from A.Z. Fell’s and let me tell you, this place is spooky as fuck. All sorts of weird lights and noises coming from it. At all times of the day and night too. Either this bowtie wearing bookworm has one crazy sex life or the place is haunted. Jury’s out on which.
Heather Ki.
London, United Kingdom
0 friends
3852 reviews
1 photos
This shop smells. Not that old book smell either, oh no, but like something is molding. I took my little Johnny in here to try and get him interested in something other than those damned video games and I walk into what smells like a whole cloud of toxic mold! My boy has a weak constitution as it is and if he comes down with anything I will be pressing charges, you mark my words.
Jo. W.
London, United Kingdom
32 friends
410 reviews
61 photos
Hey, does anyone want to talk about the fact that this place burned down last month? As in, completely up in flames, I saw it happen, nothing but a smoking husk afterwards? Does no one else remember this??
Tiggi N.
London, United Kingdom
32 friends
33 reviews
24 photos
Has anyone read this guy’s opening hours? I included a photo above: “I open the shop on most days about 9:30AM perhaps 10:AM. While occasionally I have opened the shop as early as 8, I have been known not to open until 1.” Absolutely insane. This guy’s a madman and I love him. If anyone actually manages to get into this place please let me know because I need to shake Fell’s hand.
Mackenzie J.
City Centre, Manchester, United Kingdom
807 friends
2592 reviews
13218 photos
I told my girlfriend this shop’s got a snake named Anthony and she didn’t believe me. Going back for proof next week.
Update: got the snake selfie!!!!!!!!
Penny O.
Chicago, IL
87 friends
557 reviews
16 photos
Caught the owner snogging some hot twink behind the cookbooks. Well done, my dude.
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A LunaTic and her Gunn (Part 83)
"Snoozing Through Sayreville"
@creatureofthen1ght-v3
@lovemythsworld
@crystalbaby12
In Sam's room, Luna wastes no time. Popping two bars herself, she hands two to her friend. They've spent many early mornings like this. Coming back to homebase and rounding down from an AllNighter together.
Luna showers first. She feels like hot horse shit. Still catching trails in the bathroom, she washes the grit from last night off of her.
Leaning under the water, she wishes her skin could absorb it's hydration. They've only been on tour for 10 days but Luna's exhausted. Her body physically hurts, her brain feels like mush and she's emotionally wiped out. The constant fighting, traveling, drinking and drug use starting to take it's toll.
Once out of the shower, she tosses on panties, a tank and a hotel robe. Climbing into the queen sized bed, she rolls up a handful of joints as Sam showers.
Curling up together, Luna fires up a joint as Sam finds something for them to watch. Looking at her friend, she asks if She's Okay.
Exhaling out a cloud of smoke, Luna says "Yeah. I just need a hard reset." To Sam's nod of understanding.
Mrs. Doubtfire is own. It's one of their favorite movies. Getting high, laughing and enjoying each other's company. Luna's thankful for Sam's companionship as the two girls snuggle into bed. Quickly falling asleep. Knocking out for the rest of the day.
-------------------------------------------------
Colson does no such thing. Still pissed and now even more confused by Luna, he can't sleep. He's out of coke and doesn't know what to do with himself. Not thinking to grab any Xanax off of his bitchy girlfriend.
With everyone checked into their rooms, Colson heads back to The Bus. Cracking a beer at 9A instead of sleeping, he plays NBA2K19 until he passes out with the controller in his hands.
-------------------------------------------------
Ashleigh finds him around 430P. Waking him up, he's miserable.
"Leave me the fuck alone. Unless it's 7P, don't fucking bother me." He grumbles, walking to the back of The Bus.
Dropping face first into the bed, all he smells is Luna. His dick twitches and heart hurts as he reaches his arm out, over her empty space.
"What the fuck are we doin', Loons..." He thinks, wishing she wasn't so stubborn and him not an Asshole. Wanting her next to him more than anything in this world.
For once his brain refuses to slide down the 16 million different hallways of Hotel Diablo. Falling back asleep as he holds a pillow. Pretending it's smell is Luna.
-------------------------------------------------
Ashleigh knocks on Sam's door next. Knowing its more likely for her than Sam, Luna gets up. Sam snoozing away.
She's groggy and unhappy but isn't nearly as intolerable as Colson. Probably because she believes in sleep. Greeting Ashleigh, Luna yawns, asking What Time Is It.
It's around 5-530P.
Stretching long, Luna motions Ashleigh to sit with her on the couch. Wrapped in a blanket, she lights a joint and asks her What's Up.
"Couple things...." Ashleigh begins. "You okay?" She asks to Luna's nod.
Luna takes a deep hit. Appreciating Ashleigh's concern.
Exhaling, she says "Yeah, I just need a minute to myself.... Sorry you got left with that nonsense last night." Luna apologizes as she hits the joint again.
Ashleigh grins. "You'd be proud of me. I'm pretty sure I got anyone who saw anything to sign a NDA. Even Bleta. I was gonna contact Monica on your behalf but wanted to talk to you first."
There's a lot of things said in that one sentence. It takes Luna's fuzzy mind a second to understand them all.
"OH WOW!! You did that for me?" She grins back at Ashleigh, touched by her actions. "Look at you go, Girl! Thank you!" Luna reaches to hug her friend.
That's when it hits her.
"Wait... What do you mean Bleta?" She asks as her whole facial expression changes.
Not realizing Luna doesn't know who BeBe Rexha is personally, she panics at her words.
"Yeah, Loons. That's who you hit last night..." She says cautiously.
"He had Bleta at the fucking show!?" The Ring of Fire is wild in Luna's eyes.
"No.. No.. No.. SHE told ME, he didn't know she was there until he seen her..." Ashleigh's trying not to make things worse.
Sighing before she hits the joint again. Luna shakes her head with a Whatever. Her and Ashleigh sit quietly for a moment.
"He didn't know, Loons." Ashleigh tries to comfort her.
"I know...." Luna closes her eyes as she exhales another cloud of smoke. "Fuck her. I'll call Mon and let her know what I did. She'll probably want the NDA's..." Luna looks at Ashleigh. "Thank you, Ash. Really. You didn't have to stick your neck out for me like that. It means a lot." Reaching to hug her again.
"It's no problem, Loons. You're family." She hugs her back, pulling away, she laughs. "Besides, I learned it from you."
This makes Luna smile. Hitting the last of the joint, she puts it out.
"Tell me about Diddy and Massachusetts." Luna says, changing the subject.
Ashleigh goes on to explain how it's seeming to be a domestic dispute. Some guy tossed a Moltav cocktail because his Ex was there with someone else.
"Fucking seriously?" Luna asks in disbielf.
Shaking her head, she reaches for another joint. Ashleigh noticing for the first time that Luna smokes just as much as Colson. If not more.
Luna goes on to ask about casualties. Ashleigh replying that about a hundred people received smoke inhalation. In a building with over 4K people in it, That's Amazing, they agree. Luna thinks for a minute as she hits the joint.
"All fans?" She asks to Ashleigh's nod. "You know what I'd do?" Luna exhales again.
"Nope, but I want to!" She replies, making them both laugh.
"Find out exactly who the victims are, collect enough merch and have him sign it. Along with a personalized Get Well note.." Luna says as she continues to hit the joint.
"How are you so fucking business savvy??" Ashleigh asks her in awe.
Smiling, Luna acknowledges how she has a collective village of teachers. From all different ranges and walks of life.
Finishing up, Luna walks Ashleigh to the door. She's gonna see what she can get started on with this merch idea.
"So, we won't see you tonight?" Ashleigh asks her.
"Nah... Probably not. I'm taking the day." Luna says as she hugs Ashleigh before shutting the door.
"Who's Bleta?" Sam groans from under the covers.
"She has so many freaking questions..." Luna thinks, rolling her eyes.
-------------------------------------------------
Colson's still frustrated before the show. Trying not to take his shit out on anyone else, he finds a cinderblock outside. With it resting on his thighs, he does backwards pushes ups off the seat of a chair.
"I can't believe she's not fucking coming..." He thinks to himself, irritated. He misses Luna and wants to stop fighting with her. "I gotta talk to her after the show.... I still wanna know why the Fuck she was with Tommy." He feels the jealousy rise again as he pumps his upper body off the edge of the chair.
--------------------------------------------------
Sam and Luna are sitting on the balcony of her room. Luna smoking a cigarette.
Trying to relax, enjoying the light air as she sketches. It's an interpretation of what she feels from last night.
Sam playing around on her phone. Falling down an internet wormhole as she lights a joint.
Once Ashleigh left, Luna and Sam had sat together talking about her and Colson and getting high. For the first time ever, Luna told someone other than Colson about Tommy. If Sam is going to form an opinion on Colson, Luna wants it to be based on all the facts. Sam was only slightly surprised at the news of Luna's affair. Looking back, certain things making sense to her about Luna at certain times that didn't before. They talked about Bleta and how Luna didn't realize it was her. Sam asking if it made any difference. Looking down, Luna had touched her homemade ring before stating No. She's not worried about any other girls. Especially THAT one.
"Oh Fuck, Loons... You're gonna be pissed...." Sam says handing Luna her phone.
×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××
"MACHINE GUN KELLY AND GIRLFRIEND, THAT BROOKLYN BITCH TO BE WED AT RAPPER'S OHIO FESTIVAL IN AUGUST"
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"Musician Machine Gunn Kelly, also known as MGK, is kicking his latest tour off with a bang! Last night in his girlfriend, That Brooklyn Bitch's hometown of NY, MGK surprised his fans after performing their hit single Bad Things together at the PlayStation Theatre. Revealing that he would be marrying the songstress this summer. Some considering this announcement shockingly quick. The couple have only been spotted together since late April. The New York native first appearing on The Dirt star's SnapStories and Instagram during his birthday party in LA. Surprisingly, that doesn't seem to be the biggest bang of the night. One source reporting that, the beef between That Brooklyn Bitch and BeBe Rexha is alive and well. The two Brooklyn residents having come for each other on the charts already, over what is assumed to be their relationships with the heavily tattooed, rapper turned actor. Reportedly, the fued spilled out into a scene BackStage after the concert last night. "It wasn't in BeBe's favor." The source from the performance stating."
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"THIS. Is what I was talking about last night in the cab." Luna sighs. She hands Sam her phone. "I'm going back to bed."
Is almost eight o'clock at night.
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Tonight, they're playing the Starland Ballroom in Sayreville, NJ.
For the most part, Colson can put his shit on the back burner and do his job. That's what he does tonight.
Letting Slim and Sex Drive hype the crowd, Colson stops being Colson, or Kells or even Dad. Becoming Machine Gun Kelly.
"WHAT'S GOOD, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!" He screams walking out on to the stage to his adoring fans.
Starting off with the normal formula of Habits, Breaking News 2 and El Diablo. Colson jumps, dances and kicks around the stage as him and The Band tear through Loco, GTS, and Wild Boy. Skipping Let You Go and Bad Things.
Trap Paris and The Break Up replace them. Followed by I'm Think I'm Okay, Hollywood Whore and Candy. Choosing to keep all the original lyrics.
Rook shines as always during Shout At The Devil. The crowd going wild for him.
They still have another eleven songs left to the set. MGK keeps pushing.
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Luna wakes back up around 930P. Sam's up, diddling around. Missing Colson, Luna asks her if she wants to hit the show.
Grinning, Sam nods Yes.
Looking at the clock, they move fast and get dressed. Sam ordering an uber. Luna throwing on a back, lace crop top, cutoffs, Docs, and a flannel around her waist with blazing red lips.
Grabbing her leather and bag, Luna and Sam are out the door. Luna's golden hair loosley floating behind them as Sam's brunette locks weave along with it.
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As the room cheers and lights explode around them, The Band continues on. See Through My Tears, Rap Devil, Till I Die, Golden God, Alpha Omega, and Lately come next.
With this leg's setlist pretty secure, they round out with Bad Motherfucker, Wake&Bake, Rehab, 27 and Sail.
The Band thinks they're done as Colson stands alone on stage with only his guitar. Everyone quiets as he begins to pick out unknown chords.
"I don't know if you guys'll know this but, I'm... You know what, Fuck it. I just wanna sing this shit right now." He says to the audience. Turning to The Band, he says "Imma do this on my own." To their confused nods.
He starts to play the base melody of a song he's been featured on. It's original tone is poppy with a lot of studio tech. To figure it out raw, OnStage alone, is pretty intimidating.
Colson takes his time. He's in no rush. Feeling like he's got it, he begins. Opening at the end of the chorus by The Vamps, Colson voice is deep and melodic. It carries a hint of vulnerability.
🎶You way too good to be true🎶
🎶You way too good to be true🎶
🎶You way too good to be true🎶
🎶You way too good to be true🎶
He closes his eyes as he thinks of Luna and where he wants to start.
🎶I don't go to church🎶
🎶Cuz your my religion🎶
🎶I'm hung on your words🎶
🎶Given' me something🎶
🎶To believe in🎶
🎶You way too good to be true🎶
🎶You way too good to be true🎶
The feeling of the song is showcased against only his guitar and demeanour. He mixes and changes the lyrics to fit how he feelings. Voice crawling over the words.
🎶Kitten, I know you don't lie🎶
🎶When you say🎶
🎶That you mine🎶
🎶I can't look in those eyes🎶
🎶Without fallen'🎶
🎶A thousand times🎶
🎶Just wanna hear you testify🎶
🎶Kitten, tell me you don't lie🎶
🎶When you say🎶
🎶That you'll be mine🎶
🎶You way too good to be true🎶
🎶You way too good to be true🎶
Wishing Luna was where she should be. Sitting next to him. His voice slightly breaking through the chorus.
🎶You way too good to be true🎶
🎶You way too good to be true🎶
His guitar humming his pain.
Thinking of how hollow his lyrics were when he wrote them, he kicks them out now. Thoughts drifting to their new meaning.
🎶I shut down for you//I go in//I dove in//And drown in you//They should be crowning you//Cuz//You're way to good to be true//Hold up, hold up//Ay//Please don't hesitate//Take me//While there's still something//Left to take//Kitty you're all that I crave//Tell me how many days//Do I have to chase you//Do I have to chase//Before you let me//Let me taste you//Before I can say//All I wanna say//To you//Is//I can't escape//I cannot escape from you🎶
Looking over SideStage, he sees her. Doing a double take. "Holy Fuck, she came." He can't help but feel his eyes begin to sting with tiny tears. That first cosmic boner appearing again.
🎶Kitten...You are way too good to be true🎶
He says as grins at her as they make eye contact.
🎶You way too good to be true🎶
🎶You way too good to be true🎶
🎶You way too good to be true🎶
Colson finishes serenading Luna to the crowds sweet Awws.
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Colson and Luna head back to the hotel. Holding hands in the uber the whole ride. Grabbing her things from Sam's room, he guides her to theirs. They need to talk.
"Sit with me, please." She directs him, patting the bed.
Sitting next to her, he sighs. Colson knows Luna is about to rip into him. They've been fighting on and off over bullshit for the last few days. She turns to him, lacing her fingers in his. Always choosing her words wisely.
"I went to see Tommy yesterday because I own properties that he's invested in. It's something Monica ran between us for a long time until I seen him a couple weeks ago. Like I told you, he started texting me. I took being in The City as an opportunity to let him know that if things can't go back to strictly business, then there will be NO business...." Luna explains.
Colson's quiet for a moment. He wants to ask what she does for Tommy but Luna's a lot calmer then he had expected. He's pretty sure he knows the answer and doesn't wanna push fighting with her.
"As for Em..." Luna continues, she's hitting everything. "We were friends. And I say were because I'm pretty we're not anymore, which, it is what it is...." Luna looks Colson in his beautiful blue eyes. "I'm not worried about that. I'm worried about YOU.... Why are you still so hellbent that I'm out here doggen' you?" She asks.
Colson lays back on the bed. Sighing, he rubs his face. Luna lays next to him on her back. They stare at the ceiling together.
"I'm sorry about Bleta." He finally speaks. "I swear I didn't know she would be there. I should've told her to leave. I wasn't gonna do anything. I was jealous though and wanted to piss you off." He turns his head to look at her.
"I know...." Luna sighs, running her fingers through his blonde hair.
He rolls over to her, placing his arm around her waist. She can see remorse all over his face.
"I should've never shoved you either. I don't know what I was thinking..." He looks down with shame.
Colson doesn't believe in putting his hands on women. Never wanting to hurt Luna in any way. Especially physically.
"That was some dick shit..." She agrees as he looks up at her.
"I know... I'm fucked up. I just, sometimes I feel like you're gonna figure out that I'm not good enough for you..." He trails off, Luna watching his eyes well.
Luna pushes him onto his back as she climbs on top of him. Random blonde hairs dangling down and brushing his face. She kisses him sweetly on both cheeks.
Looking into his eyes, she reminds him how only his actions can make him lose her. He tells her, that's his biggest fear. Fucking shit up as usual.
"Bunny... We're both two fucked up souls living in a fish bowl... stuck on your counter in LA." She winks to his smirk. "We're always gonna be crazy. We're always gonna be jealous. It's because we're stupid in love with each other. I don't care that we fight. As long as we come back to this." She flicks her fingers between them.
Colson lifts up to run his hands alongside Luna's head, pulling her in for a kiss. His touch is electric. Making a flash of warmth run through her. She kisses him back as her hands roam down his body.
Taking each other's shirts off, Colson flips Luna onto her back. Kissing her all over her neck, she has on no bra. Moving down her chest, to her breasts and nipples, he slides a hand down Luna's shorts. Running his fingers along her bare pussy. Slowly dipping them inside of her to her moans.
"I missed you." He tells her as he sucks on her neck.
"Me too. So much." She agrees as she moves his mouth to hers.
Wiggling out of her shorts. He unbuttons and steps out of his. Gazing down at Luna's naked, tattooed body.
Climbing on top of her, he slowly guides himself inside her pussy. They rarely fuck missionary style. Letting the touch of each other consume them, Luna and Colson are delicate with each other. Another rarity.
"God, you feel so fucking good." He moans.
Taking slow, deep strokes inside of her. Luna's leg is wrapped around his waist, the other around his calf as she lifts her hips. Pulling him deeper into her.
Feeling close, their pace picks up. Kisses sloppier. Moans loader.
Gripping his skin as he kisses her mouth, Colson asks if she's ready. Luna pants out Yes as he places his hand on her throat.
Bucking hard against him, Luna's eyes roll back in her head as Colson slides into Home. Both of them cumming all over the other.
Breathing heavily, Colson lays on her chest, wrapping his himself around her tiny body. Happy to have her back in his bed and in his arms.
"I love you." He tells her, kissing her collarbone. She hums a satisfied Me Too.
Lifting off of her, he asks if Luna's hunger. Realizing she hasn't eaten all day, she responds with a Starving.
They order room service. Burgers, fries, pineapples and champagne.
Sipping on champagne after they've eaten. They snuggle up together. Enjoying the quiet moment away from the tour.
"I'm sorry I'm so fucked up." Colson turns to Luna apologizing again. He spins his finger around the top of his head like a halo. "Hotel Diablo..." He says.
"You should get that tatted on there." Luna laughs, slightly mocking him.
Eyes lighting up, he runs with it. "Yeah?" He asks.
Luna shrugs and asks "Why not?"
Nodding his head, the doors begin to unlock inside Hotel Diablo. Pulling her close for an amused kiss, he calls her a genius.
"An evil one." She laughs, kissing him back.
"Even better!" He beams while tickling her.
They spend the rest of the night in bed together. Getting high as they giggle. Making out as they watch Talladega Nights.
"She really is mine." Colson thinks as Luna lays on his chest. He can see his ring on her finger and feel his lock around her neck touching his skin. A wave of relief washes over him. Never being in love before and always feeling abandoned, Colson holds Luna a little tighter. He knows in his heart that she'd never willingly leave him without a fierce fight.
Colson sweetly makes love to Luna again before they fall asleep tangled in each other. Both relieved to be back with the other. Each hating when they're apart.
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To be continued....
#colson baker smut#mgk smut#machine gun kelly x reader#colson baker imagines#colsonbaker#colson baker x reader#colson baker#mgk x reader#mgk imagine#mgk#mgk fanfic#machinegunkelly#machine gun kelly#lunatic#love story#longstory#long reads#drugs#not safe for minors#not safe for tumblr#no filter#so sweet#est#est 19xx#est19xx#est4life#fanfic#fantasy#fangirl#fandom
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Norma Jeane Baker of Troy
[Disclaimer: this is not a review. I’m not a reviewer and have no idea how to write these; this is just a note to myself that I will be able to read when I’m 60 years old and which I share here, as paper might burn but the Internet never forgets :D]
Norma Jeane Baker of Troy, The Shed, NYC, 12-19 May 2019
New scene
Enter Ben Whishaw as Norma Jeane Baker
I’m not sure what to focus on here – the play or the fact that I FINALLY WENT TO NEW YORK. This past week was so full of, well, everything to me. I always dreamt of leaving Europe for a trip, but only recently managed to save money for that. I have been tremendously sad not to be able to see Ben in ‘The Crucible’, to the point that during the last show I sat on a beach in Spain and couldn’t focus on how lucky I was to be on a beach in Spain – all I wanted was to be in the Walter Kerr Theatre.
The funny thing is, if I were now to choose between ‘The Crucible’ (I saw a recording of it in NY Public Library last week) and NJBoT, I’d choose Norma Jeane without thinking twice. I saw this play 7 times in a row which, I think, speaks for itself.
In the end, I was so lucky as to go to NYC for 10 days with my Ben family, as I like to think of them, people who I know from Ben’s Facebook fan group. I will never take it for granted and it wouldn’t have been the same without them. To go to New York, for over a week, with my best friends, to see Ben Whishaw 7 times in a mind-blowing play – I still don’t know what I did to deserve it. I won’t name them here, as I’m not sure they wish to be mentioned, but one of them kindly offered to host some of us, and I was even more lucky to stay in a real Manhattan flat. In all fairness, this is what made the entire trip possible – or at least what made seeing Ben 7 times in a row from up close possible!
The pace was rather insane. Last time I slept so little was 10 years ago when I went on a summer camp to Portugal, where I was going to sleep at 6am and waking up at 8am to go to work. Just being in New York didn’t allow me to rest. Finally, after so many years of hoping, I was in the city of my dreams, a city where I could name all the buildings and streets without ever being there, just because everyone does know them right? After all, we are being bombarded with images of New York through different movies, series, songs, books. And this place actually does exist and is not just a Hollywood creation. We started every day bright and early (thanks to the time difference it felt like waking up at 12pm) and went off to see the city. Then, every night, we took subway 7 to Hudson Yards to go to The Shed. The only night we didn’t do it was Monday, when there were simply no performances – but trust me I’d have gone if they took place.
That’s enough about Fritz Lang and the city.
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The first time we saw the play (12 May) I sat very far, I believe it was the 4th row from the back. Since I then saw it 6 more times, it wasn’t a massive loss, but overall I’d say two things: 1/this play had to be seen from close up, as the lightning was so dim, otherwise you wouldn’t see what happened on the stage and 2/ this play had to be seen multiple times. I truly believe seeing it just once wasn’t enough. It wasn’t like Shakespeare that everyone kind of knows and knows what to expect. I like to compare this play to Hamilton, which is my obsession number 2 (after Ben), where the text is so rich and full of references and innuendos, that it is actually best to come see the show already knowing the lyrics and backstory from listening to the soundtrack. Same happened here, the language or the text worked alongside the actors and I think if you just saw the play once, it wouldn’t make much sense and you’d miss a lot of its beauty. I was already familiar with the story of Marilyn before seeing it (although I did some extra research, read Euripides’ ‘Helen’ etc.), but I heard some people didn’t even know that Marilyn’s real name was Norma Jeane – good luck with that! Anyway, I digress. As we sat very far, I remember I had to lean forward and really strain my eyes to see what was happening. I could barely notice Ben painting his fingernails (it was more that I already heard he was doing it, which made me notice – otherwise it was too dark to see!) or couldn’t get the details of his lingerie or dance. The sound wasn’t bad, but I’d say in this play the visuals are equally important and I completely missed that part. So I spent the first performance pretty much hoping that the next one – where I was supposed to sit closer – would already come.
About 30 minutes after the show has finished, we spotted Ben coming down the escalator. We actually chose deliberately to go on that day (12 May) as that’s when we expected (and weren’t wrong 😉) that he’d win a BAFTA for his performance as Norman Scott (Norma, Norman… his best roles, trust me) in A Very English Scandal. He was alone and about to leave the theatre, but had a while for us – we congratulated him on the BAFTA, to which he just said ‘thank you’ (I’m quite sure he himself got to know about it only minutes beforehand) and then I talked to him about NJBoT, which was the first time that I managed to talk to him about the show at hand. All the previous times I met Ben, I was talking to him about his previous shows or just telling him general thanks. I don’t remember exactly what I said that Sunday, but it surprised me that I managed to say something about Norma. Most importantly, I asked if I can hug him and he just said ‘sure’ and my biggest dream came true and I hugged Ben for a while . He is the sweetest, kindest human being and has so much patience for his fans.
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For the second performance, in the end with my friend we decided to exchange seats for even closer ones, as we didn’t want to go through the pain of seeing so little again. Oh Greek gods, what a difference did it make. I finally saw what was happening on stage! On Tuesday it still wasn’t the 1st or 2nd row, so couldn’t see Ben’s face very well, but oh my. I suppose here I will start my general thoughts about the play, irrespective of the day I saw it, as from Wednesday onwards I was sitting pretty much always in the 2nd or 1st row (just once – will get back to that). If I were to describe all remaining 6 performances in detail, this would become a book, not a Tumblr note and not sure anyone would even read it!
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This play was everything my poor heart could hope for. Ben finally plays the main role (which is even more prominent since there are only 2 actors on the stage) and there is nothing to take your attention away from him. Renée only emphasizes his powerful presence on stage and in fact one of my impressions after seeing the play and having read it was that they both play the same person. After all, Norma says ‘I am my own chorus’ – and Renée was her chorus. Reflecting her/his thoughts (I will continue using the pronoun ‘his’ as in the text the character is designated as Norma Jeane, but on stage I think Ben played a male playwright, who only gradually becomes Norma), never negating anything, but giving him new ideas, as if they were formed in his brain and took a tangible form as Renée. I think there can be many interpretations here, but I particularly like this one, also because in the text of the play only one character is mentioned – Norma Jeane. Renée’s character isn’t mentioned anywhere in the text and was obviously added just to make it more stage friendly. It was really hard for me to take my eyes away from Ben throughout the play, but when I finally managed to do it, it was amazing to see how they exchanged looks and this interplay of emotions was what made it even more amazing.
The play tells a story of a playwright who creates a replica of Marilyn Monroe out of himself – both visually and mentally. He is mourning her and hires a scribe to write down his stream of consciousness about Norma Jeane. He gradually drops his own male clothes to put on the entire Marilyn attire, which is a beautiful… replica of what was worn back in the 50s (the longline peach corselette and matching panty girdle – not for the faint hearted!) together with Marilyn’s white fluffy mule heels, later on changed to her Seven Year Itch strappy sandals and the iconic white dress (there is an additional layer of white underwear that Ben puts on the girdle); ultimately he wears also the platinum white Marilyn wig. On the mental side, he gradually descends into the depths of Hades and ultimately kills himself, like Marilyn did. In the meantime, he plays ukulele (just like Marilyn), has numerous mental breakdowns, perfectly imitates her delicate dreamy voice (and that of Truman Capote), mocks Arthur Miller’s dimpled white buttocks and dances the entire sequence from ‘The Prince and the Showgirl’ (see here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOkv4jV1-Bo) – more about that dance later on. One remark here – this play spoke so much to me because since I remember I always took style inspiration from my favourite bands and later on actors – even now I proudly wear my black Kanken, inspired by Ben. So yes, I completely understand Ben’s character here. He also adds the breasts, hips and bum padding underneath his lingerie (and moves like a ballerina) and here I must brag, but a kind message to all people who LAUGHED mockingly at it – please go back to primary school and… just stay there. There are two actors, who, in case you don’t realise are real people and laughing off at what they do onstage is just horrible. In case you laughed out of embarrassment, fine, I get that not everyone has to be comfortable with Ben Whishaw applying fake butt under his undies, but for god’s sake, please express it differently than by laughing and commenting. Or laugh internally. Or I don’t know. Good lord. And no, that wasn’t a moment which was supposed to make you laugh, like for example Ben imitating Capote’s voice.
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There is this beautiful moment, about 30 mins after the show begins when Ben plays the ukulele and sings ‘I am that Persephone, Who played with her darlings in Sicily, Against a background of social security. Oh what a glorious time we had. Or had we not? They said it was sad. I was born good, grown bad.And isn’t that how it always starts, this myth that ends with the girl ‘grown bad’?, and Renée continues: ‘She’s in a meadow gathering flowers twirling her own small sunny hours’. (I might be a barbarian, but I truly don’t understand people who were like – wow, he dared sing on the same stage as Renée Fleming! – I am a newborn Renée Fleming fan, but come on people. He’s Ben Goddamn Whishaw :D). Suddenly the mood changes dramatically, when everything becomes dark and Ben says in a sinister voice ‘When up rides a man on black horses. Up rides a man in a black hat. Up rides a man with a black letter to deliver’… I don’t know how he does it but in this moment I see Hades in a black robe (yet Ben is still in his peach corset) who came to do something unforgivable. The entire story changes then, when Renée exclaims ‘rape’. ‘Rape is the story of Helen, Persephone, Norma Jeane, Troy’ they continue. Renée then sings ‘War is the context and God is a boy. Oh my darlings, they tell you you’re born with a precious pearl. Truth is, it’s a disaster to be a girl. Up came the black horses and the dark King. And the harsh sunshine was as if it had never been. In the halls of Hades they said I was queen’. That’s what they always say, isn’t it?
She sings it again just at the end of the play when Ben’s Norma Jeane dies and at that point I wasn’t crying, I was ejecting bodily fluids. Apologies to those sitting around me.
Back to Ben’s dance. This play is full of what in Polish I’d call ‘smaczki’ – little flavours that make this play the most tasty dish ever served. Ben’s voice changes, whenever he imitates someone; Renée’s gorgeous singing; the music which was composed uniquely of Renée’s mixed voice; the funny moments, which can so suddenly and unexpectedly turn into the most frightening scene, when in the middle of mocking Arthur of New York and Sparta, a phone rings and everyone is terrified. There’s an enormous amount of language play (language is a third actor on the stage, with gorgeous explanations of the etymology of Greek words – in fact, Ben has an English-Greek dictionary on the desk), there’s Ben playing ukulele and singing, there’s putting on makeup, there’s changing clothes, there’s shouting and throwing things around and then there’s the dance.
My god what Ben can do. WHAT THIS MAN CAN DO. He is so ethereal, lithe, yet with well-toned muscles and he suddenly starts to give this beautiful coy dance, where throughout he hides his face in charming embarrassment and smiles sweetly to Renée. This is one of the moments when I am almost angry that I have to translate my soul, as it would be so much easier to find perfect words for this in Polish, but at least my head is full of them. Writing about this dance (or this play) is anyway as futile as dancing about architecture. Ben looks perfect then, he is just perfection personified. With his little smile, his peach corselette (some other note here on Tumblr said that ‘Ben Whishaw should just exist in this corset’ and yes, he should), his bottle green male pants and the fluffy heels (the connection of the female corselette and the male suit pants is just… send firemen). On top of that, Renée sings like an angel and my brain is so overstimulated from listening to all those language games and being in New York to actually experience it that… (where are the firemen?!)…
But the thing is – and that’s why this play is so amazing – that when you actually find the superhuman power in yourself not to focus on Ben’s dance only, but to also listen to the song they play to it, your brain suddenly registers that something doesn’t fully stick – the music is super cheerful (note: it is not the same music as the one in Marilyn’s video from ‘The Prince and the Showgirl’) – it’s a typical 50s song with blurred voices, but the text is rather morose and it goes like ‘Dirt is matter out of place, matter out of place. A poached egg on your plate at breakfast is not dirt. The poached egg on page 202 of the Greek lexicon in the library of the British Museum is dirt. Dirt is something that has crossed a boundary it ought not to have crossed. Dirt confuses categories and mixes up form’ (I researched a bit and there’s an entire book on this topic, ‘Purity and Danger’ by Mary Douglas, where the main point being analysed is that what is regarded as dirt in a given spot is any matter out of place. What was considered clean in Sparta, wasn’t clean in Troy and vice versa. That’s the gist. Anne Carson I love you.)
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Noone cries like Ben Whishaw. It really hurts all parts of my body to watch this. And it is so beautiful to watch Renée being concerned about him and the state he found himself in. One of the most beautiful scenes in the play is when Ben sits down at his desk and Renée very delicately takes his head in her hand and applies the fake eyelashes to his eyes, singing in a way that makes my heart break. There is so much love in this scene and acceptance and will of help and saying: I’m here for you and I will go with you on this journey.
And then suddenly you see he starts to take the pills and swallowing them with the fake theatre champagne and that’s when I start ejecting bodily fluids again. Renée comes back with her ‘Up came the black horses and the dark King. And the harsh sunshine was as if it had never been. In the halls of Hades they said I was queen’.
I suppose this text I wrote now will never be finished as memories and new realisations will keep on coming back to me and that’s where the beauty of this play lies – it’s an endless fishing ground for references and innuendos, interpretations and new things to be understood. But, enough for now.
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I talked to Ben 3 more times after the play, on 14, 17 and 19 May. I now barely remember what I said precisely, but on Tuesday I told him how utterly enchanted I am by this play and that it talks about so many important things to me and doesn’t seem strange at all. Sunday was mad, as one can expect after the end of a run, with a long queue of fans (I gave Ben bright red roses, thanked him for the umpteenth time and complimented his new shirt, which he bought on Friday – don’t ask how I know it, I’m just a very careful observer LOL. He is my style guru, so I had to haha). With my friend we even managed to chat to the CEO of The Shed, Alex Poots, who was so amazed that we saw Norma Jeane 7 times, that he took out his iPhone and asked us to record a video where we recommend the show (bit late for that on the last night, but he can rest assured that I will be back!).
But Friday was just something else. Perhaps it was the power of red wine or the fact that Ben was going home alone and not with Mark or friends, but we approached him together with quite a few other fans and I swear to god, we had the funniest ever chat with him. To put it briefly, Ben was surrounded by around 10-15 fans and chatting to us in a very lovely, cheeky way (I love his sense of humour. I love everything about him, but that night it was just too much). Like imagine it. Someone asked him ‘Ben, what is the perfume that you wear?’ and he goes ‘Oh, it’s this, wait, I’ll show you’ and he took the perfume out of his tote bag and demonstrated it to everyone, gaining a round of ‘Awwwwwwww’. I still can’t believe it happened haha. One of my friends asked if he saw and liked Bjork and they chatted a bit about it and then Ben asked us if we did see her too, to which I replied ‘no, because we saw ANOTHER SHOW’. I could see that he was thinking and then suddenly it clicked, but I guess by that time he was perfectly aware that some of us saw it 7 times haha. He also told us ‘Don’t sit again in the first row, I can see you all’ (that’s what I meant when I said I will get back to the issue of sitting in the 1st row :D). Sweet lord. Best week of my life.
Exeunt omnes singing.
#normajeanebakeroftroy#BenWhishaw#reneefleming#theshed#nyc#annecarson#marilynmonroe#arthurmiller#helenoftroy#persephone
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Survey #239
i just want to sincerely apologize if my surveys take a negative nosedive again. i know this one’s kinda grim and i don’t want to make that a routine, but things are just rough right now and i’m not gonna lie on a survey, y’know.
Do you know anyone who works at McDonald’s? Not that I'm aware of. Do you know anyone who plays heaps of sports? Probably through school. Have you ever been suspended from school? No. Where do your cousins live? Aaaaaaall over the U.S. Have you met any of your second cousins? Possibly at some point? Do you like the All-American Rejects? I like "Move Along" and "It Ends Tonight" is good, but that's all off the top of my head. Oh wait, of course there's "Gives You Hell." When was the last time you wore a skirt? WOW I have ZERO clue. Probably not since elementary years. Have you ever finished a whole video game? Plenty. If so, which one(s)? There are way too many. Do you know anyone with a pet snake? Me, Sara, probably others. Which one of your friends has great music taste? Sara. Was the last person you hung out with single? That would be my young niece and nephew... so yeah. Have you ever attended a private school? I'm a private college now. Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? No, thank Christ. Have you ever cooked for anyone other than yourself? I made breakfast for Sara once. If your phone has a hole for phone charms, is it on the left or right side? I don't have one. Would you rather live in the city, the suburbs, or the rural area? Kinda like... suburban mixed with rural. I don't wanna be totally isolated, particularly away from necessary stores and such, but I also do NOT wanna be swarmed by people. Maybe like a loose neighborhood in the woods outside a small town? Do you know someone who is really ambidextrous? Sara. Did you use a pencil today? No. Are you adopted? Nope. Have you ever had your car break down on you? Never when I've driven, not that that's been much. With Mom, yes. Dad, idr. Jason's prom night, yeah; his truck broke down otw home at a stop light. Oof. Who was the last person that cried in your presence? My mom. It's the worst. When was the last time you ate at your favorite restaurant? Oh wow, probably not since my last birthday. What was the last thing someone gave you? A close family friend/my former teacher lent me a $20 just in case I needed anything while my mom was up in NY. Can you write your name in a foreign language? My first name (at least) is the same in German; even though "y" doesn't exist in the language, I guess it does for foreign names?? Idk about my last name. Who is the person you often go to for venting? Sara. Do you keep an actual journal or diary? No, not anymore. I did briefly when I had that WILD and totally random Jason obsession episode, but once I came off that godawful medicine and I went back to normal, I deleted it. Have you ever been prescribed Vicodin? That sounds very familiar... Maybe? Perhaps that's what was prescribed after my surgery? Have you ever cheated on someone without them finding out about it? Well considering I've never cheated and never would, I can't answer this. Was the last person you kissed male or female? Female. Who were you with the last time you went swimming? Colleen, at the beach. Does your dining table currently have place mats on it? No; we don't even eat at it. What was the last thing you cooked in an oven? I myself have literally never used an oven. I'm scared to. Oh wait, yeah I have... on some occasions where Mom needed me to put something in there or take something out, but idr what. But boy and I can tell you without memory that I was jumpy as hell about it. Is it hard for you to be “just friends” with the opposite sex? No. It's difficult for me to like-like people, especially men when you consider I'm generally afraid of them, on top of I'm just paranoid and don't trust easily. Do you prefer wheat or white bread? Wheat. Do you have an electric toothbrush? No, but coincidentally, I actually have that on my Christmas wishlist. Have you ever had an “exotic” or “abnormal” pet? Do you consider a Chinese water dragon "exotic?" Then I have a ball python morph. Have you ever eaten lobster? No, and considering crab is nauseating, I doubt lobster would be too different. What is your grade point average (if you’re still in school)? I don't know right now and don't know where to find it. Have you ever played croquet? Oh yeah. My sisters and I LOVED that shit as kids. Who was the last person you called? Dad. Have you ever watched Ghostbusters? No, believe it or not. When was the last time you drew a picture? Yikes... been a while. Not since I started a concept drawing of encompassing a panic attack in a meerkat form, as I tend to do. I haven't touched it in months. It's right on the second shelf of the table beside me, so... my only remaining excuse as to not finish it is that the paper is horribly wrinkled now. Are you happy? Not exactly. Should you be doing something now? I could be doing the practice exam work my math professor gave us all considering it's extra credit, but. Yeah. I'm absolutely awful at math and barely passing but I don't exactly need another stressor right now. Is there a smoke detector on every floor of your house? We only have one floor. What was the last kind of soup you ate? I tried vegetable soup anyway when I got my tongue pierced because I literally could not eat solids for over a week, but I'm a picky asshole who didn't like it so wasted the can. I had to survive almost exclusively on meal replacement shakes and popsicles. Warning from the wise: you want your tongue pierced? You better fucking want it bad because healing is a P R O C E S S. Or at least mine was, having to get it re-done and all... Have you ever had to do a class in summer school? No. Have you ever went a year without getting your hair cut? I don't think a year... but maybe? Do you think you could go a week without sugar? Considering sugar is in like... EVERYTHING, probably no? Would you be willing to go one day each week without meat? I don't really pay attention, but I probably already do. I'd like to eat as little meat as possible. Hell, I wish I could go full-on vegan. Do you feel comfortable telling people how much you weigh? NO. Do you have any talents that your friends don’t know about? No. Are you any good at sewing? Never tried, not interested. Has anyone ever interviewed you about one of your hobbies/talents? No. Would you ever consider experimenting with drugs? Marijuana for medical purposes if I didn't have to smoke it. I'm not smoking anything, I don't care what it is. What’s been tugging on your heart lately? I guess life in general. Mortality, death. Teddy died in my arms, I saw my grandmother physically ravaged by cancer, and just life hasn't been the kindest lately. I've been thinking about how time just flies, how every moment should be cherished even though it's so fucking hard, and just yeah. I don't wanna go down this rabbit hole. Are you comfortable with who you are? Have you accepted who you are? I don't know dude I shouldn't be taking a survey during like an existential crisis lol. What is the last thing you did that made you feel guilty? Decided to get some really unhealthy fries with my dinner. Would you have sex with the last person you texted? It's not a matter of "would," I want to. I may have already, I don't really know what separates foreplay from lesbian sex. Do you consider weed, marijuana, pot, etc. a drug? This isn't even an argument anymore, it's fact. It's a mind-altering substance. "Drug" does not always equate to bad, either. Are you planning on kissing anyone tomorrow evening? It'd be nice. Do you require a lot of private time? Oh yeah, but way less than I used to. I get depressed if I'm alone for too long now. Have you ever done something humiliating while drunk? N/A What is your favorite classic Disney movie? The Lion King. Do you like looking at old photographs? Yeah, usually. Do you enjoy puzzles? Yeah. Do you prefer painting or drawing? Drawing by a long shot. I'm taking a painting course this upcoming semester though, so hopefully that'll up my skill and thus enjoyment of it. Do you ever wear high heels? No, I don't have a reason to. Do you use belts? No, considering I never wear anything with belt loops. When was the last time you played Uno? Oh my fucking god, it's been forever, thankfully. When I lived with Colleen, as did her younger sister, we played Uno a lot, and then, AND THEN, came the night Chelsea dyed my hair red. Mind you, the ONLY TIME dyeing my hair had been truly successful and long-lasting. The process took hours, and we played Uno round after Uno round... and now I literally hate it. What do you like better, kiwis or pineapple? Oh man, I love both, but I gotta say kiwi. Are you trying to grow out your hair? No, I actually need to cute it again. What is your favorite perfume/body spray/cologne? Don't have one, really. Have you ever wanted to try karate? Not seriously. How often do you drink water? Ah yikes... I really fell out of my regular habit of drinking multiple bottles daily. Do you ever wear headbands? No. How many video games do you own? A lot. There's like a huge CD case in a living room drawer full of them. I've been considering making an EBay or something to sell a shitload of them as I'm sure a lot are actually pretty valuable now, but I think a lot about how I want to pass them down to my current and possibly future nieces and nephews when they get to a certain age to figure video games out or even have a console that can play PS1-PS3. Have you ever been to a casino? If so, which one(s)? No. What’s your favorite suburb in the city you live in? Why would you... name that on the Internet...? Besides that even, I pay no attention to suburbs' names I happen to pass. Have you ever visited a sex shop? No. I don't know if I could ever muster up the courage to even go in one. I'm the type that would just order online. What’s your favorite place to get pizza? I'm a basic Domino's bitch. How many times have you been to the beach? Multiple, but not a LOT. I have little reason to ever go, and it's never my idea, that's for sure. Has there ever been a fire inside your house? Tell me the story. Childhood home. Trying the Jiffy Pop popcorn that you make over the stove. Next thing y'know the thing is seriously on fire and we had to use the fire extinguisher. Fuck you, Jiffy Pop, the harbinger of the next fucking idiots moving in setting the entire house on fire thanks to the stove too. Have you ever had a scary encounter with a wild animal? No, besides like bees 'n the like being near me. Have you ever had a spray tan? No. Do you own any sports bras? Where’d you get them from? No, but I'd like at least one. Wouldn't know what to use it for, it's not like I go jogging or anything, but. I think it'd be good to have at least one. Have you ever had sex in a kitchen? No. What’s the most expensive restaurant you’ve ever eaten at? I have zero clu- no wait I'm gonna guess the Italian restaurant we went to on Sara's birthday, but that's just a guess judging by how it was fancy as fuck. Who crosses your mind the most? Sara. Have you ever been on a scavenger hunt? Probably as a kid. Ever been to an auction? No. would you ever get acupuncture? omg no Ever got stitches? At least twice. What is a must have on your french fries? At least some salt. Entirely saltless fries are boring. How do you like your meat cooked…medium rare? well done? Nothing less than medium well. If meat tastes even a little bit beneath lukewarm I can't take that shit. Are there two colors that you just simply despise? Bright yellow and puke-green. What do you usually do with recurring dreams? ... Nothing? What CAN you do? Have you ever been told you were hot by a complete stranger? I don't think someone has used the term "hot," but I know I've been called pretty, at least. Do you want to be single or with someone? I want to be with Sara. It kinda feels like we still are, like no feelings have changed, we're just not "official" anymore and not "bound" to one another. Have you ever had a sleepover with the opposite sex? I actually have twice (or thrice?) platonically with my younger neighbor FOREVER ago. We were still kids. Then there was a big (birthday?) party at my place where Juan stayed the night, and then I believe there was an occasion Girt totally knocked out on the couch so... I guess it turned into a "sleepover?" lmao Who are you closest to in your family? My mom. Who were the last 3 people to text you? Sara, Mom, and my sister. Have you ever dated someone in jail? No, and I wouldn't unless it was for something incredibly stupid or I'm aware was a false charge. What’s a movie you cannot BARE to ever watch again? Nothing's coming off the top of my head. Who got you hooked on the addiction you're addicted to (If you have one)? ... I just connected it all in my head. Jason got me into the Amnesia game. I got into custom stories for it. I was playing one one day. I got stuck. I YouTubed it for help. Guess. Who. I. Fuckin'. Found. This is a revelation; I have discovered the main purpose of my and Jason's relationship. Perhaps things do happen for a reason lmao. Are you a little bit cautious around horses? Do they scare you a bit? Not really, but I wouldn't say I'm in no way cautious. They definitely don't scare me, though. I just respect that they're very powerful animals and I'm not experienced with handling them. Have you ever burnt your tongue like REALLY bad? If so, what on? Yes, on rice that was literally right off the fucking stove lmao. LOOK I didn't know it had JUST come off and I was hungry as fuck but boy did I have REGRETS considering the burn lasted for well over a week, maybe two. Do you think having a sleepover with a guy is theoretically acceptable? Um, yes...????? Do you like to have cake on your birthday? Which kind of cake in mind? Yeah, and red velvet or chocolate frosted, depending on what I'm feeling.
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Christmas in the Avengers Tower
Word count: 1798
Warnings: none
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(source: antyradio.pl)
It was Christmas and I woke up early on that day. I knew there were still many preparations for the evening’s Christmas Dinner, that’s why I pulled myself together quickly and headed to the kitchen to do what was needed to be done. Wanda and Vision were already there doing some things and Bruce was sitting at the table drinking coffee.
“Morning,” I greeted them.
“Oh, hey (y/n),” Bruce replied. “We made bets who will show up next. Vision won.”
“What a surprise,” I said ironically. “He’s a super high-tech computer so he probably developed an algorithm based on who wakes up and when.”
“Hey! Don’t talk about me like I wasn’t there! Instead of babbling you could better get to work, there is a lot to do.”
I nodded and got on with polishing the tableware. The morning went on painfully slowly and the omnipresent smell of Christmas dishes made the wait for the feast even more difficult.
“The most annoying thing about Christmas Dinner is that everybody wants to eat but nobody wants to prepare it. And you Bruce, since you’re here, you could at least pretend you’re doing something useful,” Wanda broke the silence.
“You guys are doing great, I’d only disturb.”
“Right,” I murmured and approached Bruce with a handful of plates. “Lay them out on the table and when you’re done come back for plates for soup and cutlery. Oh, and try not to break anything.”
Bruce murmured something under his breath and exited the kitchen. When I was done polishing, I went on to preparing sweet potatoes for the mash. We were working in silence until Peter Parker entered the kitchen.
“Well hello there! Why so silent? Let’s turn on some music to add ourselves the spirit!” He exclaimed happily.
I looked at him amused. “Hi spider-boy! I assume you came here to help?”
“Yes, of course! I’ll turn on the radio.”
“I have no idea what we would do without you,” Vision growled slightly annoyed.
Peter turned on the music and came up to me asking if there was anything for him to do. I ordered him to peel and drill apples for the pie and later prepare the mulled wine. So, the work went on, but this time with Christmas tunes coming out of the speakers. When the Italian song Acapulcoby Ricchi&Poveri started to play, Wanda stopped in her tracks.
“Why would they play a summer hit at this time of year?” she asked.
“Actually, the song is not a summer hit. It says that in Italy, when Christmas come, people go to Acapulco to use some sun,” I explained.
“Oh.”
We finished the work around noon, and everyone headed to their rooms to get ready for the evening. The first thing I did was checking if all presents are ready and prepared as they should be – packed and signed. For Thor I got a plaid flannel shirt and hammer-patterned boxers, for Bruce the Jurassic Park trilogy on Blu-ray and a Rubik’s Cube, for Bucky sleeves with fake tattoos and an iPod, for Peter a backpack and a Death Star Lego set, for Nat super-stylish velvet Ray-Ban sunglasses, for Tony a Gameboy and games, for Captain an electric shaver and Metallica’s Black Album, for Sam new running shoes, for Vision a sonic toothbrush, for Wanda a pillow with Vision’s face and a digital photo frame with some pictures of her and Vision I’ve secretly taken, for Clint a GPS locator, for T’Challa new Hawaiian-patterned swimming trunks and for Rhodey a voucher to spa. I even got a gift for the newest Avengers Tower resident, who was Loki, Thor’s brother. I got him an ugly Christmas sweater and the whole series of The Saxon Stories by Bernard Cornwell. Loki was still and outcast among Avengers, they all still remembered how he tried to take over the world. But even so I didn’t want him to be alienated on a day like this.
After checking the presents I moved on to making myself beautiful for the Dinner. I took a shower, washed my hair and applied some stunning make-up. For the occasion I chose a black skirt, an ugly Christmas sweater, similar to the one I bought for Loki and a Santa Claus hat. When I was all set, I took the gifts and headed to the dining room. Almost everyone was already there except for Thor and his brother. I put all presents under the tree and took a place at the table. Soon came Thor and announced that his brother won’t be joining us for the Christmas Dinner. A sigh of relief could be heard, and the atmosphere relaxed a little. I was wondering if I’m the only one who’s not happy about this. Okay, I knew Loki was evil and tricky, but it’s Christmas! Supposedly even animals speak in a human voice on this one special evening.
“Since everyone is finally here, I’d like to wish you all a Merry Christmas and let’s get down to eating!” Tony announced.
“Merry Christmas!” Everyone replied and the sound of chattering cutlery filled the room. There were so many dishes, all so delicious, and I wanted to try them all, but at some point my stomach was so full that I had to take a break.
“Hey, Clint, would you mind pouring me some mulled wine?”
“Sure thing, (y/n),” Clint replied, smiling as he handed me the mug full hot liquid. “Are you done earing?”
“Yes, for now. I’m sooo full,” I said, patting my belly. “I look as if I was pregnant.”
My words made Clint laugh. “I’ve had enough too, shall we get down to presents?”
“No, that would be rude!” I reproached. “We have to wait until everyone finishes eating.”
I liked Clint, he was one of my favourites at the Avengers Tower. Behind a seemingly inaccessible façade he was an incredibly nice and warm guy, a big child really. My second favourite was Peter Parker a.k.a. Spider-boy and he was the one to speak up next. “Can we already move to the presents?” He asked loudly.
“I’m still eating, would you, please, let me finish?” Thor protested.
“You’re always eating, Thor,” Natasha teased. “I’m also voting for the presents.”
Everybody nodded and got up from their places, leaving almighty Thor, the God of Thunder, alone at the table. Unpacking presents gave everyone a lot of joy. Some of them were funny and some really useful. Among many voices I heard Vision saying quietly why would someone get him a toothbrush. I got many books, a set of beanie and gloves a, a t-shirt saying I <3 NYand earrings. After some time the only present under the tree was the one I prepared for Loki.
“Who on Earth would buy a present for this freak?” Sam asked turning the package around in his hands.
“Me.”
“You’re too good, (y/n).”
“Perhaps,” I agreed.
From that moment the atmosphere tensed a little, but everyone went on to their own business. Natasha and Bruce were kissing in the corner, Tony, Clint, Sam and Rhodey got engaged in a drinking contest, Vision and Wanda left, T’Challa and Cap were playing table football and Peter and Bucky started to put the Death Star together. I moved away from the group and sat in front of the glass wall, looking at the city and drinking tea. It was dark and Christmas lights were perfectly visible. The view calmed me down. The glass wall showed the reflection of Thor approaching me.
“Thank you,” He said sitting beside me.
“For what?” I asked.
“That you don’t see my brother as a monster,” The man explained. “He did many things wrong but he’s trying to be good. I wish everyone could see it.”
“Maybe he’s just lost?” I suggested. “You were brothers and best friends when you were young and then he found out he’s not your real brother, that your father took him away from his home planet. Maybe he’s lost his identity and feels he doesn’t belong anywhere? Maybe he did all these dreadful things because he was trying to find his place in the universe?”
“You know, (y/n), you might be right. But everyone’s aversion won’t help him.”
“So talk to him. He needs to understand that fixing his relations with everyone here will take some time, but if he sticks to his decision it will eventually pay off.”
“Thank you,” Thor said and got up to leave. “And thank you for the boxers, they’re wonderful.”
“It wasn’t me, it was the Santa Claus.”
It got really late and I was the only one left in the dining room. I didn’t even realize when everyone left, I was so drowned in my thoughts. I decided to go to sleep too, but first…I took a glance at the lonely package under the Christmas tree. I knew I had to be the one to make the first move, and to get to my room I had to go past Loki’s anyway, so I decided to give him the gift in person. I took the package and headed in the right direction, vigorously at first but as I was getting close I slowed down my pace, losing my initial confidence. What if, in fact, Loki was so evil? I shook of all negative thoughts. He came to the Avengers Tower on his own accord, he must’ve had good intentions.
When I stood at his door I had to fight another battle with myself. And what if he’s asleep and I’ll wake him up and make him angry?And then: No, I have to try!I knocked on the door slightly and held my breath for a few seconds. There was no response. And just when I was about to leave the door opened slightly.
“What do you want?” I heard Loki’s smooth voice.
I turned around to face the door again. “You didn’t join us for the Christmas Dinner and Santa Claus left something for you too,” I said walking back to the door. Loki opened the door some more and I saw he was dressed in black sweatpants only.
“Some kind-hearted creature cared to get me a present. This can’t be. Where’s the trick?” Loki asked suspiciously.
“There is none, I swear,” I promised in a voice just above a whisper.
“Why do you even care?”
“Because I believe you’re not evil, just lost. I bought you a series of books by my favourite author, let me know if you like them.” With these words I turned to leave but stopped after few steps and turned around. “Oh, and Loki, Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas, (y/n).” Loki whispered and quickly closed the door behind him not to let me see tears forming in his eyes.
@kuroshikine
#avengers#christmas#tony stark#iron man#thor#thor odinson#loki#loki laufeyson#bruce banner#clint barton#black widow#wanda maximoff#vision#bucky barnes#james buchanan barnes#hulk#hawkeye#peter parker#spiderman#steve rogers#captain america#sam wilson#falcon#james rhodes#war machine#t'challa#black panther#natasha romanov#ofc#original female character
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Rewire
I’ve told this story over 100 times, but never like this. In an effort to regain who I am, I’m going to attempt to explain what actually happened to me, because I lost everything, in every sense of that word. The very being of who I believed I was, shattered. I tried to keep going like everything was going to be okay and that I was strong, but that was a lie and I lied to myself everyday for over a year. I became a shell of who I used to be. I didn’t know how to interact with other people when I used to crush it in the hospitality industry. I made mistakes because I never dealt with my trauma, and there is a guilt inside of me that causes literal pain.
This feeling of guilt, the lack of knowing who I am, destroyed so much around me. I had to get a restraining order from my ex who was coping with drugs. I almost lost my job, I became distant to every person I had ever come into contact with. I cut out everyone. My anxiety was so intense that I would scream and scream and scream at the top of my lungs to try and force it away. I was having panic attacks five times a day. I was only leaving my house to go to work, and then I couldn’t even do that anymore. I told my best friend that I was done.
I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. The pain in my chest crippled me. I lost around 20 pounds because food made me nauseous. I stopped playing music, I stopped singing, I stopped everything. I had this feeling that I was getting smaller and smaller in a room that would keep growing. I hoped that maybe if I stopped caring about everything that it would go away. I wanted to be left alone and I sat inside my house wearing the same clothes for two weeks before I was forced outside to get different help.
I cried mostly because I missed the girl that I used to be, and I worry that I will never be that person again. I feel like I have been completely un-wired, but the plugs don’t fit into the same sockets anymore. I used to consider this my biggest failure, but now I’m trying to see it as an upgrade, like when you buy a new phone and it comes with a new charging port.
I’ve repressed this memory for so long now, but in order to start feeling better I think that it’s probably time that I spoke out about it. Maybe I can reach someone whose been at their darkest point like I was, and that maybe this could help. I’ll never turn my back on anyone who is in my Route 91 family, especially if you need help just like I did.
I heard the first round of shots. If you were looking towards the stage, I was standing on that right side, the side closest to the Mandalay Bay. I looked over to my right and saw some sort of commotion and heard some loud popping noises, but I thought some kid had thrown down those 4th of July firecrackers and because Jason Aldean looked in that direction and kept singing I thought nothing of it. But then it happened again, I saw someone ripping Jason from the stage. Everyone is screaming, I was laying flat on my back on the ground as close to that center fence as I could, people were laying on me, I was laying on others. I grabbed this girls hand and we were holding each other, I remembered telling this complete stranger that we were going to be okay. Right before they cut the lights off the stage, I saw my friend Luke in his red, white, and blue vest hop the fence and pull his now wife Alyssa over with him when there was a lull in firing. My husband and I decided to follow. But we lost them when we ducked by the side of the stage while another burst rang out. When we finally ran again we ended up hiding underneath a big rigs wheels. We had no idea where the shots were coming from so we didn’t know where we were the most protected. I remember that he yelled at me for being too exposed but it was too chaotic to know where the best cover was. Someone opened the door to the truck open and we all climbed inside. I layed down again and sent out a tweet. Someone was smart enough to rip the loading dock off of the truck and put it up against the fence and that was how we were able to get out of the venue.
I started running, and realized that my husband didn’t over the fence right away. He had stayed to help others, which was admirable but unfair because he left me all alone. I finally heard him call for me, and we just ran and ran. We weren’t sure where to go and all the over passes towards the MGM were shut down, we couldn’t even get back to our hotel room. We were sitting on the walk over that leads into the MGM grand, and I called my mom. I told her “don’t turn on the news, but I’m okay, I love you.” She lives in NY so I knew she was half asleep, she asked my what happened, and I don’t remember if I told her, I just told her to go back to bed. I hung up and someone immediately shouted that there was another shooter and the screaming began again, we all started running into the MGM, the casino was completely empty and the emergency alarms were blaring, there were security guards guiding us through the casino floor towards a conference room, but we didn’t want to be caged in and instead of going with the others, we ran to the hard rock cafe, I remember that we got into the last cab because the radio controller came on and asked all cabs without passengers to return to the stations and stop taking passengers. I don’t know what we would have done if we hadn’t of gotten into that last cab. I don’t know what we would have done if we hadn’t of gotten a hold of Luke and Alyssa (who had ran to the airport). My phone battery was also at 5%, I was in a total panic for so many different reasons. In fact I hadn’t heard from Jenna or Allie since they left the concert (early thankfully, because Allie was in a wheelchair and Devyn wasn’t feeling well) So when I received a phone call from a number I didn’t recognize I just started asking if it was Allie and If they were okay, it turns out it was my boss, I’m sure that freaked her out.
When we finally got back to Alyssa’s place it was about four am. People assume that because he only was shooting for ten minutes, that it only lasted for ten minutes, or because they found him dead in his room an hour and twenty minutes later means that that’s when it ended. It took us almost six hours to get to safety, to finally be able to turn on the television and find out what just happened.
And the four of us just sat in disbelief, until we all forced ourselves to turn it off and go to sleep. I know none of us slept.
The next morning we headed back to our hotel. Everything was silent, no one was speaking. You could tell who hadn’t showered yet, there was dirt everywhere, even on the casino floors. I don’t even remember hearing slot machines running or anything, even if they were. We were supposed to check out that day but they extended us so that we could get our things and recoup. We had been able to get a hold of one person who knew a lot of our mutual friends, and he made a post on our behalf to let them know we were fine, but our phones were dead, so I hoped no one was worried about us more than they needed to be, but was really terrified to actually plug my phone in and turn it on.
Mandalay Bay has always been my favorite hotel in Vegas, we didn’t live a very luxurious life, but we hustled and always tried to make sure that we went to Vegas once a year since I turned 21. I love the sushi restaurant that is there, and I was really bummed to think that there was no way I would ever be able to go into there again, so instead of waiting to do it, we just did. I thought by doing that it would be a healing process and would help me deal with what just happened. I think in a sense it did, I still think I would be okay staying in that hotel.
After we returned home, I had important decisions to make. I was leaving for California in five days, a commitment that I made and felt like I couldn’t back out on. Over the course of a week, I ran for my life, said goodbye to all the people that I met at that concert, came home and said goodbye to all the people I loved and cared about in Colorado, packed up only what was important to me, drove to Arizona to see my friends there, moved into my new apartment in California, and then spent the next month alone or obsessing over my job. I acted every day like I was fine.
Realistically I should have stayed in Colorado, I didn’t have a strong support group when I came out here, I didn’t know my place. Over a year later, and I still don’t. I struggle with that professionally and personally. I know a lot of people were watching me deteriorate, but I just didn’t care.
I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life moving forward, most days I feel like I should quit my job and move on because it would be better for everyone else if I just wasn’t around anymore. I don’t feel as I can turn to the only people I know here. I feel guilty and shameful and alone. It’s hard to suppress those feelings when what is real to everyone else is blurred for me. I feel like I’m going through the motions and not actually doing anything productive because I’m so afraid of screwing up. The worst part about feeling this way is that I truly love my job. I looked forward to coming in even when I was in Colorado. I felt supported and like I belonged with the company. I lost that when I lost myself.
I’m afraid of being a failure, which is ironic because I’ve been failing myself for living a lie since Vegas. All I can hope for is that my reality becomes normal again, instead of it blurring between a place where fear lurks in every direction, and one where I can join a beach volleyball league and not panic around strangers and get weird looks from those who don’t understand. A reality that everyone else understands. To live a normal life. Make friends on my own without relying on someone else. I feel crippled, but I don’t want to use crutches anymore.
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april 8: 横浜ツアー
I spent my day with WIC today~ We made a mini trip outside of Tokyo to Yokohama! It took over an hour by train, and you should definitely wait for the express train or else it would take even longer!
Our first stop was Chinatown~
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Not going to lie, because I have been very let down by the Chinatown in LA, I wasn’t expecting much this time around. Also, since I come from a Chinese background, it wasn’t as interesting to me than it would be for others. The Chinatown in LA seemed more like a ghost town. But~ the Chinatown in Yokohama is very different; it was extremely crowded with tourists just like NY. The food that seems to be plentiful here is chestnuts. There was at least 3 chestnut stands within 10 feet from each other asking for people to try their samples. All of them were the same price too. As for restaurants, I haven’t been able to see an appealing one from the route we walked along, but I’m sure if I did more research next time, there should be a very good one hidden somewhere.
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I think this is the Japanese take on 小籠包 (しょうろんぽう) or soup dumplings because the skin on the outside is fried. For 4 pieces it is 860 yen. This is NOT something you would want to eat if you are on a date. Once you bite into it, the soup shoots out of the dumpling. Let me emphasize, it doesn’t leak out.. it SHOOTS out.. :( Once the soup dries on whatever it gets on, it will remain crusty until you wash it off. I ended up having crusty hair for the rest of the day (the day literally just started too, so you could imagine how upset I was). Just as I was trying to finish wiping off as much soup off my now crusty hair, my friend bit into one of his 小籠包 and exploded more soup onto my hand... 1/10 would not recommend. The 1 point is for the sake of trying something new. Also, the taste of normal 小籠包 tastes better!! So if you want 小籠包, just go for the regular one that has soft skin. I guarantee your soup will only gracefully leak out and not shoot out and attack someone.
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Our next stop was 山下公園 (Yamashita Park). It was such a beautiful park. There were so many flowers in bloom because it was April! This might sound a little silly, but it was my first time seeing someone pour water onto their doggo’s urine when their doggo urinates on the streets!!! I was so shocked at how much Japanese people care about cleanliness in public!! In New York, we have people who refuse to pick up their doggo’s poop even when there’s a fine for not doing so... I wish people in New York cared about cleanliness as much as people in Japan do!!!
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This is the view of harbour by the park!! I love the view of the water so much despite not knowing how to swim. Perhaps it’s the sound of the waves that makes me feel more at ease.
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We took the シーバス (It’s spelled ”Sea Bass”.. but it’s actually a “Sea Bus” aka a boat) to Yokohama Station for 700 yen. Definitely a nice, relaxing ride on the waters where you can enjoy the view.
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Yokohama Station was decorated in so much sakura that I had to take a photo~ It’s such a pretty view.
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Next, we took the JR train to 野毛山動物園 (Nogeyama Zoo). Admission was free!! I think they close kind of early, around 4:30pm, so last entry would be 4pm. It is a decent sized park for a free admission zoo!! I highly recommend making a little side trip if you like seeing animals!! The slopes are a little rough when you walk up to the zoo, so make sure to have some water on you~
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My favorite is probably the red panda!! It was sooooooo cute!!!! You can see the second one in the back hiding behind the little house. They’re both soo cute!!!
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I took a picture of this giraffe because I thought of Kwangsoo from Running Man. Let me warn you.. this was probably the worst smelling part of the entire zoo..
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There were also Feeding Times in the zoo, where you can watch the zookeepers feed the animals!! I don’t remember “feeding times” being a thing back then.. I haven’t been to the Bronx Zoo in New York, but I have been to a couple of zoos in China from when I was a tiny toddler. My foggy memory doesn’t remember feeding times being a thing, but it was an interesting touch to the zoo!! I took some pictures of the bear and penguins being fed :)
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A very interesting thing about these penguins that I noticed was, if one of the fishes ever dropped onto the floor or into the water, the penguins wouldn’t eat them. They would only eat the “fresh ones” that the zookeeper holds. Also, a very mean-looking crow stole one of the penguins’ food. I never really disliked crows much since there aren’t many in New York, but JAPAN IS FULL OF THEM & they are HUMUNGOUS. They’re almost as big as chickens here and they’re also very scary and loud. Sometimes I’m sleeping in at the dorms, and I hear them cawing outside nonstop. It drives me crazy sometimes because I just want to sleep in on some days.
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After exploring the entire zoo, we were walking towards 横浜赤レンガ倉庫 (Yokohama Red Brick Warehouse) along the Kishamichi Promenade. But first..
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This is the 横浜ランドマークタワー (Yokohama Landmark Tower). Fun fact... I didn’t even know that this was a landmark tower when I took the picture!! I just thought to myself, “Wow, what a magnificent looking building. Let me take a photo of it.” But yes, this is the Landmark Tower in Yokohama!! Although there are many buildings in NY, the architecture of buildings in Japan is very different!! So I appreciate the different structures that they have here!
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Such a beautiful view. Everything was like a painting. The big ferris wheel across the water is from Yokohama Cosmo World!! Although I didn’t get a chance to go inside, I think the view from afar is even prettier. They play some guitar music along this promenade, so I think it would be a great date spot!!!
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There was also a beautiful couple that I saw from a distance and I had to capture the moment!! This is definitely a great place to visit, even if you’re alone!! I think this is one of those places where you can sit for a moment and clear your mind off from worries!!
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I saw this huge anchor before crossing the street and thought it was aesthetically pleasing, so here it is~
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These are the flowers in 新港中央広場 (Shinko Chuo Hiroba)!! April is tulip season in Japan!!! There was a huge field of tulips strewn across the area! I loved it. My photos, unfortunately, do not do justice for how beautiful the flowers were. I didn’t want to lose the group entirely since they were ahead while I was taking photos, but the flower bed was beautiful!!
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This is the Yokohama Red Brick Warehouse. Too bad I didn’t get a chance to go inside, but I will next time!! I think there are some mini stores inside the warehouse, so it might be worth a look!!
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The last photo that I took for the day! 現地解散〜 帰りましょう!It’s time to go home now :)
#yokohama#chinatown#food#yamashita park#sea bus#nogeyama zoo#shinko chuo hiroba#hanami#wic#exchange program#study abroad#japan#day 20
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1st I have to say this b4 I repeat the post from fb. This is a place where I can speak my mind freely without judgement, speak my peace even. Which is exactly what im gonna do so prepare for a read. So think what u want idc, but the last thing I wanna do is tick some1 I know off cause on some level there's a mutual appreciation & respect regardless of my impression. And anyone that reads this isn't obligated to understand my opinion & I dont expect u to. With my brain its my thought process to let information out of my head so I can put things aside, observe & absorb more lol. Writing is another tool or coping mechanism for my anxieties & other psych ailments, treatment for my mental health depends on it & other hobbies in other words, especially during shutdown, something to focus on. Heck even youtube is recommended by my doctor if it keeps me happy lol. But because ill be working again, I may not have time to do alot of things I like sadly..idk i just wouldnt want to be burnt out & focus on more important things. I have a high respect for anyone working around people during this time & it must worrisome for u too, means I have to keep on my toes as well soon..its a scary world out there for an introvert but I was killin it in NY too. It was just a slow steady process with all the limitations & moving my life up there wasn't easy to begin with but I pulled through & did it all...only for it to be taken away.
So, I'm an Irish, German, Canadian,British Mut from tucson. Maternal & paternal immidiate families lineage mixed made me, including my NY blood from my bio dad. The rest is all over Europe but u get the idea. Tucson may be where i was born & my 1st home without a father & raised not knowing (were mardi gras babies btw 😒)
But NY is & will forever be my 2nd home i dont care what any1 says, I felt I belonged there. Its the other half of me quite literally.Theres a memory that's really been bugging me. Last day b4 i left it, a bald eagle flew across my path in the sky no joke going NE & I was departing back to the SW. I chose the eagle years ago cause I identify with it. including the background symbolism in different phases of my life that included them lol, but to actually see one was just amazing.
They symbolize strength+freedom in general despite it standing for the country from sea to shining sea lol. Also Braviary was always in my pokemon team besides pikachu since its gen came out lol. I've always been strong, whether some believe it to be true or not is their problem, only I know the things I've gone through. Point is different ends of the spectrum its always been with me throughout in some way & im glad i got to share it with someone that gave me the freedom I needed.
But yea I experienced what its like to be there & got to know that part of me even if I didn't find him & maybe didnt care...I feel I was meant to be there. I was in touch with my roots, lower Temps & above sea level rather than high temps & below sea level 🤣 I loved everything about my time up there. It'll always be a part of me, & I hope to see it again. But I digress.
But in regards to the relationship itself, emphasizing on what i said b4. Just as it i got "settled" in it was gone & I had no clue what was happening without my knowledge, the whole plan to bring me back, all of it, the whole chain of events that unfolded the way it did starting with leaving a marriage in the 1st place to be with him i mean come on lol. Chasing a dream that didn't play out the way we had hoped. I took leap of faith & I ended up starting over twice in 1 year with no benefit of the doubt. I still have my ny health insurance for the rest of the yr, I have to add it to my list to apply again in az. Ive been wearing the wrong prescription glasses for 6 months under quarantine & they're just now getting to stage 4 of opening lol. Just understand how frustrating that actually is for someone like me & u totally get it 😅 U want to take care of business but sometimes you're limited & gotta work around it. had all that covered there & then was told I settled, wrong thing to say & its no wonder I didn't blow up in his face right there & then 😒. But I have retraint & can control myself. Though it was out of my hands the new relationship didn't have to go sour, been just as long if not more, could've actually thrived given the proper balance with room to grow. Idk, Sometimes I honestly don't think anyone believed in me. I mean I have no debt, no record, no kids, im a clean slate type of girl lol. Yes I did end up feeling unappreciated, underestimated, a bit neglected, insecure about my body, ashamed for being myself, & I shouldn't have to feel that way at all & if that happens there obviously something off. I just didnt know what it is he wanted & needed, i wanted to help & be a good partner to this dude but why is it bad to ask the same in return? I shouldn't have to drastically change myself to fit someones standard i know, but...i needed the old him back, I missed the old us & wanted to get back to that.. Was always so closed off & probably ended up in his own head who knows, maybe there was guilt for some of the things he did & didnt want to hurt me anymore, spare my feelings any more than it did b4 it was too late.idk whatever the excuse i still don't know what triggered it all to fail so easily & i don't think i ever will. But ending up with the conclusion that I was the problem, its narcissistic to even believe that & i won't accept it. Not when he can't confront his own issuse & put blame onto himself too.. it was a low blow & literally felt like my heart was pierced at the sound of it. If im to blame its the other way around as well. My point of view wasn't acknowledged so this is my take & experiences of happened so plz dont hate me for speaking my truth.
But yea I can tell when somethings not right & feel strong empathy for others emotions. I knew something was different, there were signs everywhere since the mistrust started & during the last half of that time with him I questioned everything but sat in my own headspace as well as he did just thinking about it. If anything we failed eachother, the blame is on us both but idk what else i could've done to get through to him. That's the stubbornness, he wouldn't budge. Despite how things went down..Leaves me to think, what was the point of having me there in the 1st place, to not follow through with our shared hopes & dreams but instead spiral into such resentment for me that the interest faded. But at the at the same time...even if it ended early for him, I didn't give up & I fought to keep us okay which it was for the most part. Hindsight is 20/20, it definitely wasn't negative all the time. In fact things were great between us & acted like goofballs together, that right there is a friend despite if the stronger feelings weren't mutual. Nobody with hate in their heart acts like that, he was good, the best, cheered me up when I was down, shared interests & did things for eachother. But that alone makes me question what was truth & what was fiction sometimes ever since the trust between us started to fade. Am I in the right to feel what im feeling right now? Im angry & upset yes very, but the kindness he had throughout..he did care in his own way...which makes things so much harder.
Tripadoodle if some way you're listening, I hope u know now where im coming from. For your own benefit & quest to be a better man like you always wanted...actually try. Head my advice. Making yourself better shouldn't be put on a womans shoulders to do for u without her getting lifted in return...its alot of weight to handle for 1 person to carry lol. Get off your ass & build on yourself, learn from everything that happened & become better for yourself & the sake of others, Because it starts with u. Go to church if possible or watch them, it really does help. Even from across the country I still want u to do just as good & help u as a friend. You promised we could remain friends & im holding my end of the bargain whether u like it or not lol it was your idea during the ride here. All I wanted in the end was to not lose u in my life completely...but i should be patient i know.. Theres more space, im not contacting u directly & respecting that, eventually ill stfu lol but I feel I need this rn. I should hate u,but I cant hate u, I do still care, u had that affect on me so much that I can't really listen to others when they say ur a douchbag lol, u were still my rock the whole time even if u didn't feel the same after a while & u did help me alot as well. I see the good in people & u are good, with well balanced snarkiness & humorous sass to boot. light a fire under ur own ass & ull be okay lol. Never stopped believing in u. Ive seen what you can do, you're very smart & know your sh*t, u will go far lol. And as a friend I'd lend u my strength if I could but the most I can do is pray for things like safety/protection, healing, forgiveness, guidance, etc. Leave it to God if u feel compelled to. Give zanabell a hug for me.
God i talk way too much 😅 No im not doing any of this for attention, I want my voice to be heard as well as a possible learning experience if it had that effect on anyone. The things we learn build character & help us understand a little more about ourselves. Probably shouldn't share cuz its nobody's business, yea ive thought of that too.. But its a blog lol, Tumblr allowed it to be that space, opinions and rants are allowed & encouraged. Nothing wrong with that 🤷♀️ so who gives a crap.
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These are pictures of the NY sunrise & AZ sunset. Clouds always get me cuz of the shapes, used to to take pics of them all the time. once saw mario holding a hammer when I was a kid 😂 3rd & 4th pic is a split rainbow, never seen that b4...either someone found the gold or its deciding whether or not to connect. Probably was connected but I missed it lol. But then I looked behind me after the split 1 disappeared & a double rainbow was forming. Nature can be scary but also beautiful
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Imagine; Heaven is a place on earth with you.
THE ONE WHERE: Kol and you have a really toxic relationship and you decide to put an end to it. (Based on Video Games by Lana del Rey)
WARNINGS: A bit of sadness but nothing else to worry about.
It’s you y/n, it’s all for you. Everything I do.-he told me while his hand was positioned on my waist, he was holding tight on me, like if I was going to run away from him at any second.-I tell you all the time baby, heaven is a place on earth with you.-he whispered in my ear, making me smile. His voice sending chills all over my body. Our bodies moved in perfect synchrony, like we were one, while a cute melody kept going in the background. My arms around his neck, my face on his chest, his hands on my waist, he couldn’t be closer to me, and yet, I couldn’t feel him farther away from me. My eyes were closed, I could feel tears gather in my eyes, even when I promised myself that I wouldn’t cry.
I don’t think I can keep doing it Kol…-He didn´t say anything and I knew he could listen my heart skip a bit, he didn´t say anything, waiting for me to continue.- I want to break up.-I whispered while I kept dancing.- You know being by your side has always been my dream, but being yours it’s getting harder and harder. Honestly, I don’t think we are good for each other, it’s just getting so toxic, so bad.-My voice was really calm, at this point I thought I would be crying a river, but there was something about this moment that made me feel so calm like I was ready to do this.
The night was warm, we were on the top of the Empire State, the same place where he asked me to be his girlfriend almost two years ago before I went to New Orleans with him. Lately, I was feeling homesick, so I decided a few days away from all the Mikaelson drama would be good for me, so I packed all my stuff and decided it was time for a quick trip to NY, my home. Kol knew about it but he didn´t know I was going away for more than just a few days. Today he came to pay me a visit, after two months of being away and not seeing each other, I knew that he could feel how everything was just going wrong with our relationship and he tried to surprise me by making a dinner right here, just like the old times, but everything was just too screwed to be fixed with a great view and a romantic dinner. We barely talked the whole dinner, just like we never talked since almost two months ago. I was wearing a white silk dress, knowing perfectly that he loved me on white and how much he liked that dress on me. Maybe I did it on purpose, I wanted him to remember me in my best, glowing just for him. And God, what can I say about him? He cleaned himself really well, he knew I always thought that a suit makes him look so fucking good. And his smell… how much I loved his smell. He sighed in desperation, I could notice when he was getting anxious, mad… and right now that was happening. He stopped dancing in such an abruptly way that I didn’t get what was happening until his hand where holding me strong. I could see the tears in his eyes and his jaw not getting relaxed. Our faces were separated only by a few centimeters and the tension could be cut with a knife.
-You’re fucking mine Y/n, you’re only mine. I’m not going to let you go.-His voice was deep and angry and in that moment his face started to change into his vampire face, the veins, the red eyes and hose fangs, the only thing I could do was to look away, I couldn’t see him like that.-Please darling… baby girl, look at me, Y/n! I love you, you’re the reason I carry on every single day, we are meant for each other. Cmon baby, it’s you and me, the perfect couple!
-Kol, can’t you see it?- I started to speak while my eyes found his.- This is not what it used to be! You keep going away to fight your family enemies and I get it, for you, family always comes first and I've never complained about it but I can´t be the little girlfriend that watches how you go away and put yourself in danger, kill others and then wait until someone tells me that my boyfriend is dead, daggered or hurt.-I said when I remembered a funny fact, he couldn´t get killed.-Kol before tonight I haven’t seen you in almost three month, and plus, you keep acting like an ass, you kill people, you´re reckless, careless and I´m just a little human that enjoys the little pleasures of life, you need another reason? You are always so fucking jealous! You always get into fights with my friends, you don’t let me talk to anyone or see anyone, cause guess what? you would kill them while you can keep playing around with your little bitch witch? Sorry love, but I can’t be with you anymore.-My voice was so neutral that I was surprised, I even sounded annoyed.
-Y/n you can ask me to do anything, I would quit my family, I can move from New Orleans, I won’t go out anymore but stay with you, I would never ever leave you alone! I’m not going to be able to live without you, they say that the world was built for two and that is only worth living if somebody is loving you, Y/n you are the one that makes life worth living, in all the thousands of years I´ve been in this world, I have never felt for anyone what I feel for you, not even for Davina..-Kol kept talking but the truth was, nothing he could say could have changed my mind.-Please Darling, I love you more than I love myself.
-Then you should start loving you more Kol, cause there’s nothing you can say that will make me stay.-I whispered close to his lips before giving him one of the most intense kisses I have ever given. The kiss was full of passion and sadness, I knew there was so much love, but I also knew that I was losing myself in that relationship. He bit my lower lip slowly while his hand kept necking all my body, like if he was trying to memorize it.
-Goodbye Kol and thank you…-I said before letting go to the love of my life and walking away from him, not before giving him one last look, he was standing there, he seemed so weak, so tired… so sad.
-You know I’m not that easy, right? I will fight for you Y/n, I don’t care how much I have to wait. You will be mine again.-Kol yelled loud and clear, making me look back. He didn’t look away when our eyes met before I left the place and some part of me knew that’s this wasn’t going to be the last time I saw those eyes.
#the originals#the originals imagine#the originals imagines#kol mikaelson#kol mikaelson x reader#kol x reader#kol mikaelson imagine#kol imagine#klaus mikaelson#klaus mikaelson imagine#elijah mikaelson#elijah mikaelson imagine#kol mikaelson oneshot#kol mikaelson one shot
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Dead Boys 1977
Interview with Clevelander Dave Treat about his new photo book that peaks into some daze in the pre-legendary life of the Cleveland punk rock masters.
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/dff567c2d18c4a4ad0b47d7d9ecce8bb/tumblr_inline_oyc38s7Hea1qask8g_540.jpg)
It’s easy to forget that, by their initial demise circa 1980, the Dead Boys were considered a kind of dark summation of the original American punk rock explosion. A blistering live act no doubt, they were “the Stooges played fast;” glam rock sans glitter; even proto-power pop given the best hooks of the second album. One of the ultimate flameouts in rock’n’roll history, their punk status was cemented just under the ubiquitous Lower East Side canon. And heaven forbid, they were from Cleveland.
But as the years roll on, the layers of their status have shifted and deepened. Being from Cleveland – actually forming out of bands who pre-dated the CBGB scene (Rocket from the Tombs, Frankenstein) – makes them punk originators, not just the out-of-towners they were sometimes painted as when they moved to the Big Apple in 1977. Their debut album, Young Loud and Snotty, remains perhaps the most consistently invigorating American punk album of that era. Singer Stiv Bators’ too-soon death, guitarist Cheetah Chrome’s long journey to find himself, it all inadvertently lent gravity to the band’s more immediate and welcome sense of humor that put them in stark contrast to the sometimes pretentious CBGB scene.
And in the last few years, Chrome has been busy as hell, making new records, playing Dead Boys songs again with various friends, and doing occasional solo acoustic sets that can be genuinely tear-quelling in their intimacy and memory-dredging.
If you haven’t checked out Chrome’s 2009 biography, A Dead Boys Tale: From the Front Lines of Punk Rock, you should! It not only gives a flailing firsthand account from one of punk’s template tossers, it articulates to outsiders that Cleveland was the equal to NYC as THE post-industrial blank canvas for young, drunk, and broke punks to come up with their own thing. Further, you will find no trust fund kids in his story, no relocated Connecticutians sliding into ripped jeans and hoping nobody finds out their dad is a Wall Street lawyer. As “punk” has incrementally defined its soul as a working-class genre, the Dead Boys story becomes more and more foundationally iconic.
And now this beautifully bleak collection of photos and quick quotes, Dead Boys 1977: The Lost Photographs of Dave Treat. It’s a perfect companion to the first few chapters of Cheetah’s bio. Half are gloriously raw shots of the band awkwardly striking poses around the desolate streets of downtown Cleveland as a newly minted, four-piece Dead Boys. The second half is color photos from two 1977 Cleveland shows. Then the book closes with achingly alone solo shots of Stiv, also shot during one afternoon (Treat lived in the same building where Stiv and Chrome roomied.) Stiv had an uncanny visage that could be simultaneously madcap and melancholy. For a guy who would whip it out anywhere on command and who spent the majority of his adult work life yelling loudly on stage, he remains a mystery man in many ways. And you see that mystery in his eyes and bent body through these pix.
As you arrive at the end of this book, you feel as if you just spent a day and night with the Dead Boys. Your inclination on closing it is to swig back the last backwash, throw the bottle down, and say “See ya later” to the guys, walk out onto Detroit Ave., and never look back, just like they did.
The photos herein were meant as a no budget attempt at “promotional rock photos,” but the band soon added a fifth member and moved to NYC, so these photos have been sitting in a box since then. Save for one small gallery show where a few of them were displayed, this is the first time they appear.
I asked Treat about the book and more.
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/8eb02a832e87b92ecb48b480fb423def/tumblr_inline_oyc56dphdX1qask8g_540.jpg)
The Dead Boys pose for Dave Treat on Huron Avenue in Cleveland, 1977, a time when the central city was so desolate you could do this in the middle of the day and hardly see another soul. L-R Johnny Blitz, Cheetah Chrome, Stiv Bators, Jimmy Zero. Photo credit: Dave Treat
Did you grow up in the Cleveland area?
Yes, on West 41 St., off of Clark Avenue.
So when and what were the initial inspiration to drag these pix out and do something with them?
Actually, I didn’t know I still had them. I was cleaning out some boxes and there they were. That was three years ago. I went to Blue Arrow Records and started talking to Pete the owner, and he liked the pics. He had Brittany Hudak look at them and she wanted to do a gallery show at Gallery 61-- owned by Byron Miller, who also printed them for me -- with a 25th Anniversary Show honoring the loss of Stiv Bators. That is how it all started. Clem Burke of Blondie came to the Cleveland Stiv show on Waterloo and gave us a number and recommendation to Lethal Amounts in LA. The gallery show was first, with Cheetah playing to a sold-out crowd after at the Monty Bar.
How did you first meet up with Cheetah and Stiv?
I moved to an apartment on Giel Avenue in Lakewood. About three months later, Stiv moved into the building. We met and became friends. Cheetah was always there. One note: Stiv and Cheetah wrote some of the songs for Young Loud and Snotty in their bathroom. Cheetah on the toilet and Stiv in the tub.
The pic with the band next to the dumpster – what was the impetus behind purposely shooting in garbage? Were any of the members like, “Can we take nice shots somewhere, like maybe at Swingos?” I know Cheetah mentions the first Ramones album cover as inspiration.
No nice pics, it was decided to go downtown and find the place we shot the photos. Cheetah liked the Ramones album cover. Collectively, we wanted the urban decay, the garbage and the dilapidated buildings. We didn’t want them lined up against a wall, but something unique to them.
So how present were the Ramones and the notion of this new "punk" music in your life personally?
For me, the intro into punk was through the Dead Boys. Meeting and seeing their passion for this new sound was amazing. It pulled you in. Finally, something new in Cleveland.
What were the live music clubs you'd go to, and were there local bands you could stand? I know Cheetah's told me how it was mostly lame blues or ‘60s cover bands, if any live music at all...
Pirate’s Cove, Agora, Jicky’s After Dark, Piccadilly’s.
Pere Ubu, The Pagans, Styrenes.
(A history-smushing aside: The Pirate’s Cove turned into Peabody’s, which I frequented in my youth (Replacements, Pixies, Godfathers, Death of Samantha, Rocket from the Crypt, among many), and only died a few years ago; and the Agora is still there, operating on/off.)
Can you just give me a random crazy Stiv story, and maybe one that is not expected from the "wild man" he's known as?
Came home from classes, started knocking on the door, looked in the hall and Stiv was having sex with someone. He looked up, waved, smiled and put up his index finger to say just a minute. I laughed and went upstairs.
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Dropped at the door of Drome Records, 1977.
Was Stiv a late night, drunkly opening up with his feelings kinda guy?
No, not at all. He was always upbeat. He liked having a good time, pulling a good prank…never melancholy.
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Dead Boys singer Stiv Bators poses for Dave Treat at the Cleveland Agora with their friend and neighbor “Barb the Fat Bitch” (a joking nickname for someone who, according to Cheetah Chrome, was in fact neither fat nor a bitch). Photo credit: Dave Treat
I grew up in Cleveland - Parma Hts., to be exact -- and the whole Catholic thing about Cleveland is one of the simmering things inside the Dead Boys that I always loved, and makes them so "Cleveland," no matter their fame gained in the Big Apple. But did religion actually come up much? Or any stories of desecrating churches or anything?
Religion never came up. Nothing too outrageous. Stiv putting his finger on his throat and barfing on a Denny’s window while people were eating. Cheetah pissing out the window or back porch. Cheetah mooning two ladies walking on Giel Avenue. Not too crazy yet.
I think, while the NYC scene was peppered with slumming rich kids, reading Cheetah's book and looking through your's, you definitely get the sense there was none of that in Cleveland, that the Dead Boys and the few people in the actual "scene" were not exactly getting their rent paid for.
No rich kids here. Went to classes in the a.m. and worked in the evenings. Paid for everything myself.
That "ruin porn" early-70s punk era is always mythologized, but as Cheetah has pointed out, it wasn't some huge scene. At underground or new rock kind of shows, there might be 15 people in the crowd. Do you agree, and any stories of hanging out at shows with Cheetah and Stiv, with 10 other people or what have you?
Cleveland at that point was in a free fall. Our mayor had the city’s garbage men deliver a porn poll. We were called the Mistake on the Lake. The city would go into default. There were no jobs. My roommate, after I moved, and another student at Cooper actually organized the First Annual Cleveland Smoke-In. Attached is a copy of the flyer. In short, good or bad, you got by.
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/d766406e7baa149b39f9c6a159928a92/tumblr_inline_oyc5o6ZRXE1qask8g_540.jpg)
In the book, the mentions of how dead it was downtown, Cheetah saying you could just stop in the middle of Euclid Ave. and take pictures -- do you have memories of just exploring downtown Cleveland then? And did you have a feeling that this really was the end of a city, an end of an era, or did you think Cleveland could "come back?" Would you want it to "come back?"
As far as downtown, it was dead. The malls opened in the ‘burbs and people didn’t need to go downtown. I shot the guys in the middle of Huron. We were there 10-15 minutes. No cars or people. Can’t do that now.
What did you think when the band decided to move to NYC?
They had to, there wasn’t a market in Cleveland. When they first went to CBGB’s, there was no turning back. They found where they needed to be, and I am glad they did.
How did you hear about Stiv dying, and when was the last time you'd heard from him?
I heard there was a benefit for Stiv and Babylon-A-Go-Go, 6/29/90. I went there and saw people I knew. They told me what happened. *
Where do you live today; what are you doing for a living; and what do you think of the more bustling downtown Cleveland of today?
I currently live in Solon, Ohio. I am a currently consulting in residential construction. It’s about damn time. Actually the renaissance of downtown and the Flats has been doing incredibly well. I’m proud to say I’m a Clevelander.
* -- I too was at that memorial:
http://weneverlearn.tumblr.com/post/520928279/this-is-the-funeral-card-from-stiv-bators
These are the amazing VHS tributes that were shown at Stiv’s memorial:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FreVBEt_8BQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfIZwblztxQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VOUIZIQghFY
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/dc0e7b72112c9cd99edde71cc1eb8c8b/tumblr_inline_oyc528e50b1qask8g_540.jpg)
Dead Boys guitarist Cheetah Chrome moons Dave Treat’s camera in one of downtown Cleveland’s MANY empty buildings in 1977. L-R: Stiv Bators, Cheetah Chrome, Jimmy Zero, Johnny Blitz. Photo credit: Dave Treat
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/a633436be498f0bb03eeeb9c25618e8b/tumblr_inline_oyc74nPMVU1qask8g_540.jpg)
Photographer Dave Treat, photo credit: Bryon Miller
#dead boys#dave treat#cheetah chrome#pere ubu#Pagans#blue arrow records#eric davidson#cleveland punk#cleveland 1970s
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coco’s college story
I just need to vent and get things off my chest. this is going to be quite long, and I’m going to add more to this, but we’re starting a new segment on this blog called #coco’s college story. I’m going to get personal and real and you don’t have to read, but I just need to write it all out. feel free to come talk if you feel inclined to. and since this will be long, I’ll put it under the cut. lets hope everything is spelled right...
college really sucks sometimes. I’m really stressed out from it and I have no idea what to do or what I am doing.
I’m going to start at the beginning, or try to at least. which, brings me to grade 11. I think this is really where it started. everyone was starting to take the ACT/SAT (American standardized tests required for most college admittance) and I hadn’t even begun to think where I truly wanted to go for college. yet some kids in my class had already started applying wtf. all I thought I knew was that a. I wanted to go out of state and b. I wanted to go far from home and c. I wanted to be a doctor.
summer of 2016 (summer after I finished 11th grade) I was in Virginia visiting my best friend Autumn (she plays a huge role in this). Autumn is 6 months older than me and would be at this time starting her first semester at GMU in the fall of 2016. so she asked me where I wanted to go to school. my reply? “haha that’s a great question!!! I have no fucking clue.” (literally word for word) and she was like “apply to GMU!!!” and I was like, “dude, Noah fence but you’re going there to be a hISTORY major and I literally slept thru that class for all of middle and high school. nah fam” and she’s like “yeah, but they have a great science program and then you can go to Hopkins after.” so I was like ok maybe. so I did what everyone does best: listed my pros and cons
pros:
going to school w/ bff since age 3
1,025 miles from home and from my mother*
good science program so I can be a dr??
location wise: gr8 bc autumn’s fam lived 2hrs north and my stepsister (who I’m close with) lived 2hrs NE and its a 2hr plane ride home to florida
cons:
is hella expensive**
1,025 miles from home
current number of people I know going to this school: 1 (and pls note: I hate doing things alone even tho I love to be alone. idk how to explain this but like like I enjoy being alone but I don’t like being alone. I know some of y’all understand this?)
leaving friends I have in florida
tbh, the pros outweighed the cons and I applied to GMU and I was accepted. (I applied to other schools and got accepted to one and denied at another because they closed the program I was applying for but I can assure u had they not, I would’ve gotten accepted)anyway, I took my ACT in October of 2016 and got accepted to gmu in December of 2016. I think that’s really when the stress started kicking in, because while I was happy to be accepted to my dream school, I had a lot of emotions I wasn’t ready for and then later on experienced them.
2017 started off decently. I went into the second semester of senior year knowing I was accepted and 100% planning on going to my dream school, ready for a new future, ready to leave Florida, excited about going to Italy that march with my class etc…
but it also brought hard times because I ended my friendship with one of my best friends in the whole world: olivia. we were inseparable and had been for 8 years and knew each other for 13 years. it was seriously really hard, especially because not only was I close to her, I was close with her mom, little brother, big sister, niece and nephews. it really sucked.
and, I had the daunting task of telling my mother I was going to Virginia for college.
now, as some of you may know, my relationship with my mother is very strained. and whenever I refer to my “parents” on Tumblr, I’m talking about my dad and stepmom, because I always refer to my mom (as mother) separately. and add to the fact, my mother flipped out on autumn’s mom a few years ago and told them to never speak to me again. so, since I was 12 years old, my mom has had no idea I’ve kept in touch with autumn and still has no idea I go to school with autumn. (my dad and stepmom love her family and her and see no problem with them same as me and she’s my best friend and my mother has issues we will not be addressing rn) anyway, so I didn’t tell my mother I got accepted to GMU until April of 2017. (mind you, I found out mid-december and my dad found out when I got the email because I made Claudia stop the car before we headed to a Christmas party lol) and so I told my mom in April that I was going to GMU and she asked me if autumn went there and I lied right thru my teeth and told her I had no fucking clue because we weren’t friends, remember? and that was one big thing that really started the stressing because a. I didn’t have olivia there as my bff to help me thru the stressful time, and b. I so badly wanted my mother to be happy for me but I knew deep down she really wasn’t because she also flipped out a bit and was like “wtf ur going to college? u leave in august?” and I was like yeah, what did you expect me to do?” and honestly, she was angry about it, but I was an adult, its my life and she had no say in where or whether or not I was going to college.
so, fast forward to college. idk how chronological this will be so we’re just going to list some stressors I’ve had with college.
it’s 1,025 miles away from home
I grew up in a town in Florida, in the same neighborhood I was brought home from the hospital in (I almost said same house, but I moved down the street long story…) I went to a preschool from ages 2-4 and then started elementary and middle school ages 5-13 at one school and then half of my eight grade class went to my high school. and I was there for four years. these people were family. out of the 7 people who went to high school with me, 4 I knew since kindergarten, one I knew since fifth grade and the other since sixth and the last one was me. and I made two friends (chelsey and Claudia) in ninth grade who are my sisters. I love them both so much. I would talk thru fire for them (and autumn, Robyn and belle ofc but we’re talking about my friends at home) anyway, I grew up there. Florida is my home. I like small places. I lived in a kinda small city in my two bedroom condo with my parents and doggo and I had neighbors who I’d known most of my life. my whole family was in Florida basically, minus my aunt (dad’s sister who we visit in NY or she’d visit us).
I was leaving my friends
I went from seeing Claudia every day in school, and once every two weeks during the summer or a few times a week because of our movie dates lol, and chelsey who graduated the year before me and lived an hour away from me at home, made it a point to still come to my school to see me and sleep over at my house, and then during the summer she came over once a week and stayed over. I saw them all the time. we’re three peas in a pod. I saw them a lot. and I only have 5 really close friends. friends I would walk thru fire for, and trust with my life. mentioned above: Claudia, chelsey, autumn, Robyn and belle. and we all have different relationships. autumn moved away when I was 11 and I coped with that in middle school (another dark time in my life) and I learned to live with that. Robyn and belle I met over Tumblr, so I’d never entertained the prospect of seeing them regularly. (tho Robyn and I have kinda made a pact of visiting each other during the summer and thus every other summer I get to see belle when Its my turn to visit Canada) but chelsey and claudia? I saw them a lot, and I hadn’t had to cope with a friend, who I saw a lot and was inseparable with, be away from me for a huge long period of time in a long time (age 11). and to add to the fact, both chelsey and Claude go to school at home and they became close with my family too so like idk it all just kinda fell apart
I get really homesick/leaving my parents and dog
this one wasn’t as bad solely because, I left home august 2nd. I was traveling by myself most of this month. I saw my parents at the end of the month when they held me move in for college. then, I got a surprise visit from them and my doggo in September because they drove up to my sister’s house 2 hrs from my school to escape the hurricane that was to hit Florida (bless, my house was fine). then I saw them again in October, because my sister got married!!! and thanksgiving I saw them again, November, because ofc its thanksgiving ill see them, even though it flew by. and now here, its December and I’m going home for a month. so I’ll see them thru January. and then lbr, because my dad works in Maryland a lot, he’s probably gong to be up north most of 2018 too and he vowed to visit me when he could because he’s a mush and misses his kid even if he denies it. also, the homesickness; I don’t like being away from people/be by myself in a house for an extended period of time, but I kinda built up my tolerance because my dad travels a lot and I have speration anxiety from it (he travelled all my life and I was left with my mother for a lot of it so stress but I built up a tolerance for it when I was like 15 and my homesickness started getting better from then on out) and like I did really well when I spent 8 days in Italy without my parents etc which I only had 1 tiny little freak out and Claudia helped me thru it and was proud at the fact that I only had one like 2 days in to the trip and was fine after that.
my life plan
holy f u c k. ever hear the saying like “you plan and god laughs”? well, holy fuck, it can’t be more true. I don’t care what god or thing you believe in, its fucking true. I’m a planner. not a detailed one, but its a rough outline, I have a plan of my life, roughly outlined; its got a few bullet points mainly looking like this:
my life:
go to college out of state
make money
be a doctor in the nicu
be a mom/foster/adopt kids
own lotsa pets
have enough money to build my own house
were going to focus on the “be a doctor” point. because this is where everything got fucked.
since I was five years old, five. I wanted to be a doctor. since that age, I narrowed down the specifics and specialty etc. I picked out what school I wanted to go to for medical school and whatnot. I’ve wanted to be a doctor since I was five fucking years old.
college has since changed that plan...
about a month into school this semester, I changed my major of–––biology degree> medical school> be a doctor to uh, now I’m currently in the pre-nursing (BsN) program at my college (and I’m minoring in photography, but that I knew about and hasn’t changed). I remember this day very clearly when I decided. it was a Monday. idk the date, but it was Monday and I was sitting in the JC (the main campus building) with autumn eating food and I was like “I’m having a crisis and I want to change my major to nursing” and so then I called my dad and told him I was going to do it. thankfully my while family was very supportive (minus my mother I have not talked to her since September[?]***)
so that happened, and threw me for a loop.
college is just extremely different in general.
I really don’t even know how else to categorize this. so here are just random things.
professors are weird. all of them. no matter their age: which this ranges too because I have some that are like two coughs away from dying and others who are literally only like 5 years older than me… fucking weird.
your syllabus is your fucking roadmap. don’t fucking lose it.
nothing ever gets graded at a decent time. I literally got two papers back without grades on them and they aren’t online either but the prof said that they’re recorded in the gradebook he has so like????
I grew up going to private christian schools since I was 2… which means no cussing in class and wearing a uniform and your parents drive you to school, we don’t have busses.
college: no dress code. I wore pj’s (with jack skellington on them) to class and Christmas and halloween printed leggings and hoodies with just a bra underneath and fucking whatever the hell I wanted to class, strapless/sleeveless dresses, whatever. my professors cusses in classes/lectures. I was taken back by this at first. but thoroughly loved the chillness and laid-backness that classes had tho because I could say whatever I wanted (vulgarity wise). and I now blame my worsening swearing habit on college because I’m not in christian private school or nannying 3x a week anymore so I haven’t needed to curb my language… walking…everywhere… I live on campus in a dorm without a car (autumn has one but we really only use it to run errands on Fridays) and damn that was a shock. because while yes, I lived in a smallish city and there was a Walmart and dollar store close to my house to walk to if I was bored, I didnt really walk much, we drove a lot. because my school was 15 miles away. and like idk nothing wasn’t super close. and now here that I live on campus, my whole life is here. I eat sleep and breathe campus, so I walk everywhere. to all my classes, to get food, well thats basically it because thats all college leaves you time for…
college is stressful.
and finally, here are more things that I wasn’t expecting.
I didn’t realize it was going to be this difficult. Im currently taking 6 classes (16 credits altogether) and out of those 6 classes, I’m currently passing 2 I think? college is fucking hard. it didn’t help that I had a few major major major anxiety attacks and literally disassociated with everything for a week, two different times, plus I got sick with a nasty ass cold, and like idk, just it sucked. I moved 1,025 miles from home and then homesickness an that reality of “I’m living a thousand miles from home by myself” hit me. and I literally know no one here except autumn who I see once a week on Fridays. (because we both have off) and like it killed me. I left my only home I’ve ever known. I moved my whole life here. and I had a shocking realization that yeah, I’m going to Florida during breaks and whatnot, but I left Florida August 2, 2017 and I knew it was for good. I packed up my whole room last summer and knew that when I got on the plane, I wasn’t going to ever be coming back home home for good. I left my keys on the kitchen counter and said goodbye to my room. and yes, its still my room, but it’s been a guest room for the past few months and its not my room anymore. I did move out. and so that hit me too.
and I’m alone here. I had a mental breakdown one day when I was texting chelsey and Claudia and all I really wanted was a hug from them but they’re a thousand miles away and couldn’t give me one, so I was stuck crying in the middle of our campus chick-fil-a. and so I texted autumn at 9am on a Thursday and she came in her pj’s and walked across campus to give me a hug so I could hug her, cry on her shoulder and breathe a little easier.
and while I know this decision to move states away and leave everything I’ve ever known was hard, I know it was the right decision and the best decision I ever made, and the scariest.
I know that because if I went to school at home, I would Never have ended up moving out. I know I needed to experience college dorm life, and living by myself more, and being independent. I know for my health––mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally––it was for the better. mentally: I am able to escape my mother being here where she can’t visit me or I won’t run into her here. physically: I walk everywhere and I’m attempting to eat healthier etc… spiritually: I’ve had a rough time with my faith, but I’m a christian and like autumn helps me a lot with this in strengthening my faith etc etc, (I’m more spiritual than religious) and emotionally: I’ve been able to heal and accept who I am, and I came out as bi to my friends, currently 4/5 of them and all of you guys. its a new zone here and I can live and be free and be me. I don’t have to worry about the people I knew from high school judging me because I’m bi and we went to a christian school etc. I’m who I am here and my decision to move here has helped me grow.
and also, yeah, I’m stressing currently about my future, but I’m going to take it a day at a time. I’m failing classes right now, but I’ve realized thats because I haven’t been on my A-game. I went thru a major life change, I’ve had a bit of family health issues, I’ve had to deal with a lot of issues and stress surrounding my mother and my relationship with her since starting college, and like a lot more, and so I have decided that while I had a mental breakdown about not making it into the nursing program, I’m going to take it slowly. fuck doing this all “fast and in four years and yada yada”. Its only been one semester, this is a whole new ballgame for me. college is so different from high school. so, I’m going to be better next semester, focus more on my passions, maybe take summer classes, and not pressure myself to be in the nursing program in my 3rd year, take my time. there’s no rush.
notes:
*– mother and I have a very strained relationship due to her years of mental abuse (and very little but still prevalent physical abuse) towards me. I’ve been trying to get out from under her thumb since I was 10. moved in with my dad when I was 12 but since he travelled for work a lot, I stayed with mother etc until I was about 15 when I stayed with friends or by myself. and so being away from her like this has only brought peace and less fights because I don’t have to see her or talk to her
**– college out of state tuition is hella fucking expensive, but thankfully, my granddad had set aside money for his grandkids (there’s only 2 of us, me and my cousin Kiersten who is out of college now) and has put us thru school (private school) our whole lives. we have been blessed so very graciously with being able to go to any school we chose debt free because our grandpa has it covered no questions asked and truly its the best thing ever because while I grew up not worrying about tuition, I still grew up with a tight family income because mom had a fixed income and then when I moved in with dad, he worked for himself, so he has seasonal work… some months its great, other months were scrounging for the last few dollars to put food on the table…
***–since moving to college and being out from under my mother’s thumb, I’ve been talking with my parents (again remind u this means dad and stepmom) about me needing to learn to heal and forgive and just live my life and I can’t do that if I keep having my mother call or text me or expect me to visit her etc… I’m an adult. I’m going home this Christmas to tell her that if she wants to be my mother in the long run, she needs to play by my rules, and this is now going to happen my way. I need to cut contact with her for however long. and she’s not to reach out to me. I need to be the one to do it because if she pushes it, our relationship is so strained right now because of her actions, if she attempts anymore, she’s going to lose me forever as her daughter and deep down, we both don’t want that. so I need space and need to learn how to forgive her. and she needs to get help and learn to be a better person herself. she needs to do a lot of things I’m not going to get into here but yeah, basically.
so that’s it. this was really long and I’m sorry about that. if y’all feel inclined to talk to me about any of this, feel free to do so. I needed to talk through this. I’m probably going to talk about #coco’s college story a bit as my life goes on. I will keep everyone updated. college is stressful, and crazy, and scary and wild and fun and terrifying and a lot of emotions mixed in one
xx cici
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