#(a lot i'm sure. with these highs and lows i'm starting to suspect Things)

[stabbyfoxandrew]

:(

[entropyunending]

god i've been saying i haven't been well since march but now that i think about it i honestly don't think i've been well since january, possibly even longer. i haven't been very well for most of this year. i think i've had more days where i've felt like shit than i've had days where i felt even just okay.

[cripplecharacters]

Feel free not to answer this question as it's more a research-type question, I'm just not sure how to go about finding what I need: do you happen to know any fiction books with portrayals of medium to high support autistic people that are considered realistic and positive? All I can find is rep of low support autistic ppl (unless it's in semi-educational children's books) and it's making it harder to figure out how to write medium to high support autistic ppl myself.

Hello!

When I was diagnosed, it was before the levels were used (Or at least before they were used where I lived). I suspect that I would be considered 'level one autistic' today but would likely have been 'level two', bridging into 'level three' as a child. This is all just to explain my perspective with this.

That being said, here are some of my recommendations:

A Step Toward Falling by Cammie McGovern

I just finished this book earlier today and while it isn't specifically about autistic characters, it does feature several autistic characters with high support needs as well as other disabled characters. The book is written from the perspective of two characters, one of which is developmentally disabled (Belinda). Although her disability is never specified, I do see a lot of autistic traits in Belinda. The premise of this book is a bit heavy. It's about two characters (Who are not disabled) who end up volunteering at a centre for adults with developmental disabilities. One of the things I appreciated about this book was how well rounded the characters are. Each of them has their own stories, interests, and ideas. I also like how it discussed sex and relationships in the context of people with developmental disabilities. Something to note is that this does have some sensitive topics such as ableism, sexual assault, and bullying. It is also written by a parent of an autistic child but, as far as I'm aware, the author herself is abled. I did have some conflicted feelings about specific parts of it but I'll leave that for you to make your own decisions about. Target Audience: Young Adult

How to Speak Dolphin by Ginny Rorby

I also read this book recently and I personally really disliked it. There were several scenes that made me feel very gross and I found that the autistic character was dehumanized very often. One line that stuck with me was another character about a blind character, essentially saying, "I thought she was going to drown herself. If I was blind, that's what I would do." Although the character does get to know the blind character and changes her mind, it really felt awful to read and seemed so unnecessary -- especially given the target audience. The way it talks about blindness in general bugs me. That being said, I have seen several autistic people recommending the book (Which was why I read it in the first place) so I'll include it here anyways since my opinion seems to be in the minority around this book. Target Audience: Elementary/Middle Schoolers This is a brief review from another autistic person. [Link]

Planet Earth is Blue by Nicole Panteleakos

This book centers around Nova, a young autistic girl with high support needs. Nova is a foster child who is missing her older sister and the story is told through a mix of narrative, letters to Nova's sister, and flashbacks. It's been a while since I've read this book but I remember really enjoying it (And maybe crying a little bit too). The author is autistic herself and also consulted many other autistic people with a variety of experiences, which I appreciated. Target Audience: Middle Schoolers This is a more in-depth review on the book from a reader who (I believe) is also autistic. [Link]

These are also a couple books that I've seen recommended but can't personally recommend as I haven't read them myself yet:

Real by Carol Cujec

Remember Dippy by Shirley Reva Vernick

I know it's not very much but hopefully it's enough to get you started! If anyone has any recommendations for anon, feel free to mention them in the notes.

Cheers,

~ Mod Icarus

[immortalthunderstorm]

The Alicent-Larys Conondrum

I'm back with some thoughts™️ on the HOTD fandom's hot topics. This time - something I've seen discussed quite a lot and what seems to be a controversial topic - the dynamic between Larys and Alicent, and mostly how a lot of the blame gets shifted onto her. There's a general tendency of overt victim blaming when it comes to Alicent herself, and often situations in which she is subjected to trauma get twisted into her own shortcomings rather than those of her perpetrators. The marriage to Viserys is one example, but the same arguments are used for her scenes with Larys.

I thought I'd try and analyse it a bit more from Alicent's perspective, though I don't disagree that the show has left this incredibly dubious at times and I really think that e.g. the foot scene was unnecessary.

Obviously Matthew Needham already provided a pretty great take on Larys as a character and his perspective on the dynamic, so I won't get into that myself here, but recommend having a listen to what he has to say.

1. Alicent should have dismissed or reported Larys after she learned of his Harrenhal stunt

I actually think it makes perfect sense that Alicent doesn't dismiss Larys despite being horrified by his actions.

The earlier episodes of the season make a point of how Alicent is isolated and lonely in the Red Keep. She says herself, she has no friends, no real allies, her former companion lied to and 'betrayed' her, got her father fired and therefore left her without her last constant family member by her side. She is heavily traumatised, forced into a marriage she doesn't want, forced to birth child after child and mostly ignored or dismissed by her ailing husband. She is queen in all but name, her job is to look appropriate, make sure the courtiers are entertained, and most of all give the king children.

Before even Criston joins her, the only person who approaches her is Larys. He seems empathetic, talks to her openly (or so she thinks), pretends to care about her as a person. This is where she is probably most vulnerable, most alone. Of course she falls for it, I don't think anyone can realistically blame her for that, she's a lonely teen forced to be a mother in what is essentially a toxic environment. Plus it is Larys who tells her of Rhaenyra's 'betrayal', which turns out to be true, so in a way he 'proves' his loyalty to her by disproving Rhaenyra's.

Later on he is the one who supports her when she vents about Rhaenyra and her bastards, they have dinners together, an honest friend and sympathetic ear in a metaphorical snakepit. And then, he goes as far as killing his own family, something that Alicent is horrified by, but it shows just how far his capabilities stretch. He has a spy network, he can get her information no one else can, information that can give her shreds of power and influence. He can make things happen without anyone ever suspecting that he, and by implication her, was involved. Larys makes himself invaluable to her and is not easily replaced.

I do disagree that she has some great power over him as a lot of people like to claim. Larys would not confide in her if that would bring him in any great danger. Realistically, accusing him would be such a wild theory, plus the absolute no go of double kinslaying, plus he's a very high ranking Lord, I'm not actually sure people would believe her - she doesn't have proof either. Viserys has absolutely not had her back ever, he has the spine of a wet slice of bread, I doubt that he'd simply put him on trial and kill him (each High Lord is an asset to the crown and if he starts "randomly" beheading people that could cause problems, like Ned Stark, like Rickard Karstark (let's put Vaemond aside here because there should have been consequences)) because Alicent said so? All that on top of Viserys' general strategy of ignoring everything that could be a "political headache" to him, my confidence in him is quite low.

And again, why would Alicent rat Larys out? He benefits her and is her main ally at court. She is shocked at how far he went, but in the end it did get rid of both Harwin and Lyonel, which caused Rhaenyra to leave and Otto to resume his position as Hand. Alicent did not condone the murders and would not have sanctioned them had he asked - but to her he is loyal beyond doubt and most importantly only to her (in her head) - later when he offers to give her Lucerys' eye she openly refuses, BUT she acknowledges how far he is willing to go for her. She'd be stupid to rat him out that would only disadvantage her.

2. The Foot Scene

Now in episode 9, Alicent is in a highly stressful situation. Aegon is to be crowned after she spent the entire day fretting he was missing or dead in a ditch somewhere, she had to fight her father and essentially most of the council not to send assassins after Rhaenyra, she had to find Aegon first to be the voice of reason to him, she is clearly distraught over Viserys death and scared for her children.

This is not the time and place for mistakes, every move has to count and nothing can slip through the cracks. Larys knows this, and he knows that he and his spies are going to be very important in the coup to come, and he knows he is the only one who can provide this. So does Alicent. She may be queen, but in actuality she wields very little power in this instance. The green council scene showed that they plotted behind her back, her father most of all, and clearly don't take her very seriously.

Essentially in episode 9, she's trying to outrace Otto and establish herself as more than a pawn. In a time where war is all but inevitable and she has enemies both outside and within the Red Keep's walls, and her children's lives are at stake - how could she refuse Larys who can provide her with valuable intelligence? By giving in to his "demands" she learns that her handmaiden is a spy which is a very important revelation.

It's hard to try and make sense of how their power dynamic switched to such extremes, we don't know whether it's happened before, in which capacity and for what. Clearly she is aware of what he wants, but how did that come up? How did this develop? We can't know so I refrain from making assumptions for any other times.

Her symbolically selling her body again for all this is a price she is willing to pay, but it doesn't make it any less of a SA (and yes, I've seen a lot of people dismissing this as consensual since she willingly took off her shoes for this. It's giving 'she asked for it'). Alicent is deeply disgusted, she can't look at him, she probably already has a very twisted view on herself and her body as something that belongs to others and he abuses that. But she indulges him because she realistically doesn't really have any other choice. He has made himself irreplaceable.

This doesn't mean it's consensual. Consent would mean that Alicent did this because she wants to, finds some enjoyment in it, and hasn't been pressured into it. But that's far from the truth. She does it because she feels like there's no other way for her to get this valuable intelligence, so she endures it despite clearly being uncomfortable and disgusted. I am so tired of everything being blamed on her just because people don't like or understand her character.

[merakiui]

Mera, I'm going to need to hear (a lot) more about your reverse harem otome game thoughts. So... give us some imagines about your favorite characters there!

Oooo there are so many thoughts I have regarding it!!! Allow me to share them below. :D

To start, I imagine it’s a little awkward for you because in your world they’re just characters in a game, so for a while you have to follow the plot and avoid saying anything that may raise eyebrows or evoke suspicion (i.e. you have to live through the game’s events as they happen so you can avoid ruining any of the canon events that must take place in order for appropriate character development and whatnot). But also it’s fun to imagine a reader who is awkwardly trying to avoid raising the romance meters and just wants to enjoy school life with Grim. Alas, that will never be the case, not in this otome! >_<

For a reader who has arrived to twst with the burden of an arranged marriage waiting at home, it may be a little stressful to suddenly find yourself in the middle of a reverse harem romance. Maybe you don’t put forth much effort because you’re more interested in exploring the school and the island itself, but in classic otome logic you keep ending up in all kinds of situations with them. Maybe you don’t want to get too attached to anyone because you’re not sure what will happen once you’re sent home, if such a thing is even possible. It’s not like you can just bring him back to your world to get your parents off your back. But then friendship is a dangerous line to tread because it won’t lead to fluffy and sugary-sweet outcomes. You have to stay within the romance parameters. Too low and he’ll snap. Too high and he’ll snap. So to remain in the middle, you do your best to navigate interactions with ease. You don’t even try to impress, and yet he’s charmed by you.

It's also fun to imagine that the romance starts innocent and sweet at first, but then one of the characters says something about how he'd keep you locked up if he could and then you realize, "Oh, so it's a romance like this..." ^^;;;;;;

Riddle is difficult to romance. Pre-Overblot, that is. Every minor infraction, every instance he catches you with your uniform worn askew, and every moment he sees you associating with the troublemaker that is Ace puts your score in the negatives. Riddle’s more prone to snapping at you when his score is so dreadfully low, vicious and cold as he lays down the Heartslabyul law. You’re collared on many occasions. After his Overblot, he’s softer (especially on you) and it’s very easy to curry favor with him. The smallest things have his romance bar rising, such as when you compliment him or remind him that he’s doing well. You think Riddle struggles with romance because his meter rises and falls often, most likely due to his own uncertainty with this subject. He’s not someone you’d classify as an inherently dangerous love interest. Although he does get immensely controlling and obsessive if the score surpasses its peak.

Trey is a difficult character to read. His meter almost never goes up. At least, you never see it go up with your own eyes. It’s usually after the interaction. You meet again and the bar may have gone up a few points since your last meeting. You suspect Trey loves in secret, coveting from afar. The score rises considerably when you bake with him or when you try his sweets. It’s not wise to fall into this habit because trusting Trey is not a good idea. Keep eating his cooking and you might just find yourself waking up in his room, with Trey sitting nearby and explaining that you “fainted.” There’s more behind that placating smile he shows everyone… He’s prone to gaslighting you terribly if his score peaks, and it’s done out of some twisted form of love. After all, you can trust and rely on someone friendly and reliable like Trey!

Cater’s meter seems broken most days. Sometimes it never budges an inch, remaining at zero. But there are moments where it spikes high, so high it felt like a slap the first time you saw it happen. You never know what the catalyst is for this strange score-spiking. Is Cater truly interested in you, or is he just using the new magic-less student from another world to gain Magicam clout? But then his score always rises when he’s taking photos of you. Maybe there’s more to him than you’ll ever know. Cater is so mysterious. He acts like a bestie, but that unpredictable score of his says otherwise. It’s hard to say whether he’s dangerous or not, but if his score strays too high he may become just a little unstable. :)

Deuce’s meter fills fast. He can’t help falling for you. You’re more than a friend or a best friend. That much is obvious when his bar remains nearly filled the longer you spend hanging out with him. It’s easy for Deuce to love you because he’s been with you since the very beginning, and the two of you attend class together. For this reason, he’s very overprotective of you, occasionally reverting back to his delinquent ways if some guys give you trouble. He tries to avoid this, but if his score is beyond the healthy amount then it happens more often.

Ace is another character who is always in close proximity with you. Like Deuce, he grows closer with you throughout the happenings in the main story. And even outside of that, he continues to attend class and hang out with you. You see a lot of Ace, not only because he's a classmate but also a friend. Ace's romance bar doesn't fluctuate often, and in the beginning stages of your friendship it remains relatively low. But by Scarabia's book, when he and Deuce travel all the way back after getting your SOS text, his bar's score has increased. It seems over the winter break Ace managed to sort out his feelings, and from there he is always bickering with Deuce over little things regarding you.

Leona's bar never budges, mostly because he rarely gets caught up in romantic moments with you. But there have been a few rare happenings. You can never tell what goes through the lion prince's head. Sometimes you impress him, but then he says it's only because no herbivore can possibly be as gullible as you. Yet, oddly enough, there's fondness hidden behind the layers in his words. Once he pat you on the head, muttering some sort of compliment, and then he paused, lifted his hand, and looked at it so strangely. You tease him for it and he scoffs and tells you you're lucky his claws weren't out. Unlikely story, Leona. :) and as he walks away, you spot the meter filling ever so slightly.

Ruggie can't take anything you say or do at face value because he's certain you have some ulterior motive. So when you offer part of your lunch to him or offer to help him with running errands for Leona, he tries to turn you down. Just what is with you and being so good? He doesn't trust that. There must be some other reason you keep offering... But he finds that he doesn't hate your company and it's actually quite enjoyable to have someone to talk to when he's busy with errands. That, and you somehow keep up with his pace. Before he realizes, he's falling. Fast. And it's this sudden, whirlwind attachment that leaves you with a starstruck Ruggie, whose affection meter rises quickly.

Jack is difficult to romance in the beginning. Unlike some of the other characters who warm up to you rather quickly, Jack keeps his distance. Very much a classic lone wolf type. But once he gets to know you better and the two of you reach a level in which you can consider one another friends, he starts to fall for you. Jack is innocent in his affections. He looks out for you and is the first to defend you when anyone gives you trouble. He's teased for acting like a loyal puppy in love, which flusters him greatly, but Jack really does want to protect you and help you out. His romance meter increases in very small increments, but it's clear that he has quite the soft spot for you. He's one of the few characters with a mostly fluffy route.

Azul keeps his heart guarded, so naturally it’ll be a challenge to raise his romance meter. According to canon, he’s interested in you for two main reasons: you’re not from this world and he wants to use Ramshackle as a branch café. Throughout the happenings of book three, where you scheme against him to save your friends (Ace and Deuce’s bars rise because of your efforts) and the rest of the students from eternal servitude, Azul starts to harbor an interest. By the end of the book, when you have a heartfelt one-on-one chat with him in the Atlantica museum, he’s smitten. From then on, his bar is prone to rising and crashing just as fast. Being apart from you seems to have effects on the score, and he has a nasty jealousy streak.

Jade is another character who is difficult to read even with the romance meter. For the time that you know him, it never goes up or down, remaining somewhere between zero and five at most. He is very difficult to romance, namely because he seems to foil every cliché that comes your way. Forgot an umbrella? That's fine; he'll just cast a spell to protect you and him from the rain. Not enough money for lunch? That's unfortunate (for you). If you're truly desperate, you can make a deal with Azul. Bumped into him in the hall? Unlikely. He side-steps you just before you can collide, which leaves you falling face-first on the tile. You were ready to cross him out on your list solely because he feels like an impossible route, but one day you mention something about one of his interests and Jade perks up, his meter filling considerably. Like most of the cast, he wants you all to himself. But then he's also willing to make an exception and share you with Floyd.

Floyd's score starts at the very middle. Even when you meet him and he calls you Shrimpy for the first time, the meter has already filled. It's easy for Floyd to get attached, but it's dangerous because regardless of how high or low the meter is he's still quite obsessed with you. He shows up whenever he wants, sometimes at Ramshackle just to lounge around. His behavior is always sporadic; you get used to his unpredictability. When Floyd's in a bad mood, his score tends to diminish. It's not usually your fault; maybe Floyd saw you with some other students and got jealous. There are a variety of explanations, really. Most days, his meter is overfilled and so as a result he's more prone to picking fights to protect you or monopolizing your time by scaring others off. Like a leech, he clings to you.

Kalim feels like a love at first sight type! He thinks you're so darling the moment he meets you, and he's already wanting to spoil you. Despite his outgoing nature, his bar doesn't seem to rise much. Maybe it's just because he's so overly friendly with everyone that he's yet to see you in that way. But after more than enough romance moments between the both of you, he's wholeheartedly in love. He's the most obvious with his feelings and intentions, but then with the meters it becomes clear to you how everyone feels about you and where they currently stand on a scale. orz but Kalim is different in that he has no shame or embarrassment in approaching you outright to shower you in expensive gifts. He means well, but he doesn't realize just how much he's spoiling you. Although it is nice to be doted on to such an expensive degree.

Jamil is another character whose feelings are tough to read from the romance meter alone. It hardly rises; in fact, you think his score may be in the negatives. For the longest time you think he dislikes you solely because Kalim likes you and that makes his job harder when he has to prepare feast after feast for you. But after you tell Jamil to relax or offer your help or even explain that you don't need an entire feast, he starts to slowly, very slowly, warm up to you. You make the mistake of telling him he'll always be important to someone and that he should just do his best regardless of what others say—that he shouldn't have to diminish his capabilities or qualities just to let someone else overshadow him—and that's the arrow through his heart. Maybe you aren't as bad as he once thought...

Vil is a challenge. He has standards, and when you first meet him he compares you to an unwashed spud. It's clear that if you ever want to pursue a route with Vil you'll have to do something to catch his eye or earn his approval. The two of you likely grow somewhat close during the VDC and even more so during the happenings of book six. Outside of those main story events, you occasionally cross paths with Vil and sometimes you'll talk briefly. These interactions stick with Vil even after you've parted ways, and without even realizing it you occupy his thoughts. He's never had anything like this happen (at least, not when it comes to romantic interests), and if you're able to capture his attention so suddenly like this it must mean something. What that something is, whether love or otherwise, he will find out. And his romance meter will gradually rise as he does so. :)

Rook is a strange case. Everything he says sounds like it comes from an otome, but this sort of romantic flair is normal for the eccentric Rook Hunt. Though it's difficult to understand him and his real feelings, his romance meter is surprisingly honest and, unsurprisingly, just as shameless. It usually spikes when he's observing you from afar or if he's interacting with you in class. Rook is just so fascinated with you. You truly are curious, capturing so many hearts and seeming so unfazed. Just how do you do it? It's quite beautiful! He's already quite obsessive; if anything, the rise in his romance meter just makes him worse.

Epel thinks you're a godsend. You're the first person who didn't call him cute at first meeting! This automatically earns you points, and since he's also a first year like Ace and Deuce you'll likely hang out with him more often. The same applies to the other first years. Epel's interest in you stems from admiration. He genuinely thinks you're a really cool person, and the more time he spends with you, getting to know you and such, the more he falls. He's hoping to win your heart! Although with so many others also vying for your attention, it's a challenge he's determined to undertake.

Idia is difficult to romance only because he never leaves his room, so despite the lack of interaction he's been watching you from the very beginning. His romance meter is stubborn because he can't possibly fathom liking someone who isn't 2D, and yet here he is, salivating over you like you're a rare item in a game. ^^;;; Idia builds up his ideal version of you in his head, which is the only reason that meter rises at all. Of course he absolutely fails talking to you in person, for he's much too shy and anxious to approach you. You actually steal his heart when you smile at him while he talks to you through the text-to-speech program on his tablet. And then you say, "We can start small. Don't push yourself to do something you're not comfortable with." And omg he's going crazy. Who allowed you to say something so cool and so nice and so sweet?! >_< he's overheating because he's so shocked... orz

Malleus is a character who feels like the otome's endgame. He's charmed shortly after your first meeting. It's as if he was destined to fall for you with how quickly his romance meter fills. Despite his sweet and seemingly innocent affections, most of which are friendly because romance is very new to him, your romance moments with him only bring the two of you closer together. You spend a long time in the friend zone because Malleus mistakes every little gesture as something platonic or friendly. He's a little romantically dense at times, so you can never tell if his meter is filling because he likes you as a friend or something more than that. Don't be fooled, though. As sweet as he seems, Malleus is overwhelmed with the instinct to keep you close and forever his. Call it a dragon's nature to hoard or his own fear of being lonely again, but he can't let you go.

Lilia's romance bar remains relatively low because he's more like a spontaneous event. He pops up so randomly, so every encounter with him really does feel like fate. Lilia likely knows of you because you're the human Malleus has been spending time with, and he's so very fond of you. You'll just never know this because it's impossible to know what he thinks of you when he's so mysterious and vague in how he speaks sometimes. But you do have prior knowledge about Lilia (and all of the other characters from playing twst in your world) and so it's not so surprising to suddenly find yourself in an encounter with him. His romance meter usually rises when he sees or hears of how kind you've been to Malleus, Silver, and Sebek. You're just the sweetest. He adores you (too much).

Silver is the princely type! Your meeting is a typical otome cliché: he's sleeping and wakes up to you standing over him, and the sun shines down on you at just the right angle, which makes you look breathlessly angelic. And...he falls right back asleep, so you end up having to drag him to class so he won't be late. Perhaps that last part isn't very romantic, but Silver is quite touched by your kindness and also apologetic for causing you such trouble. To make it up to you, he wants to do a favor for you, only you insist he doesn't have to. He ends up sticking near you for the entire day until you finally give him something to do so he can repay your kindness. orz and afterwards, his romance meter has risen. <3

Sebek is another difficult route, mainly because of his devotion to Malleus and Lilia. He's very focused on becoming the best possible royal guard, and so it seems like he wants nothing to do with you. He makes it quite clear with how huffy he gets, always calling you "human" and not by your actual name. His romance meter never moves an inch up. If anything, it remains abysmally low. However, the more time you spend with Sebek, constantly correcting him with "It's (Name), not human!" and insisting you and Malleus are only friends when he accuses you of spending so much time with Malleus (which really only happens by chance, mostly), he begins to see new sides of you. Without realizing it, adoration blossoms amidst the many arguments he has with you.

[olderthannetfic]

Those asks about the Whoopsie~ I wrote a long fic by accident!! Are hitting square in the chest lol. I honestly went through a phase that was like that though. It was almost a manic writing high where everything I wrote turned into a monster work for a year straight. I'd have a 10k one shot or maybe a 3 chapter 20k fic in mind and those would easily wind up double or even triple what I intended.

Most of which I completed. (Not all. I left the fandom late last year and wound up leaving a couple behemoths unfinished.) How I managed to complete so many of them (somewhere in the low 20s) I still don't really know but I wound up publishing around 1 Million words of fic in a year's time and became increasingly frustrated with myself because it was like a switch got flipped in my brain and I couldn't flip it back.

I had a beta reader quit on me out of "concern for my mental health" and that might've been somewhat warranted but mostly it felt like concern trolling. I was really happy most of the time to be able to write so consistently for the first time since I was a teenager and didn't have the overly critical hesitation that came with the development of an Adult Sense of Shame & Integrity. But it was a double edged sword. I didn't know the world of hurt that was coming for me.

It wasn't just my fics getting too long but my chapter lengths were frequently sitting around the 9k mark, and one of my fics had multiple 13k to 17k chapters and I gained a reputation for it. (Which became it's own problem.) Along with really fast turnaround times. I could write a lot and write quickly for the first time ever in my 20 years of writing. And it was good. Some of the best work I've ever done. That high was insane.

And then I hit the worst kind of burnout I have ever experienced after that period, around August of last year. I'm still not fully recovered. And I'm not really sure where that momentum came from or how I maintained it. I want a middle ground and have yet to acquire the skill for moderate momentum. I tend to not take fanfic too seriously because it's always been an outlet for me. Meant to be fun.

I would love to be able to figure out the happy medium but in that time period I did not. And I still haven't. My brain apparently had two modes: WRITE ALL THE WORDS. Or YES. GIVE US NOTHING, KING.

I would also really like to recover from this burnout. Woof. It's been almost a year since I hit that wall. In the time since I have written barely anything. Just a little 8k one shot that I am not that pleased with and the start of a long fic that it takes me months to get a single 4k chapter done for.

In the end, I suspect it was just a perfect storm of inspiration, free time, and a healthy Fandom that was supportive (at the time). I learned a lot in that period, too. It was one of those "Hey I'm improving!" upswings but on steroids. Not sure it was worth the cost in the end. I can barely write now.

--

Brains are weird. That's my explanation for a lot of writing-related things.

[undeletable]

Hi, please advise:

I'm an NPD/BPD/SZPD-haver (medicated and in treatment since 2011) who is best friends with someone who is suspected to have ASPD, NPD and HPD tendencies. Her symptoms are so severe that they damage her relationships. Following one or two sessions with a counselor who noted that she has these tendencies, she is not in treatment because she doesn't think anything is wrong. That, I can't change, so I am just trying to be a supportive friend while maintaining my own boundaries.

There is something specific that sticks out to me and that is her language abnormalities. Olivia issues a lot of contradicting statements, omits important details in conversations, and seems to have grown up using a dictionary that the rest of us did not have – but expects everyone to know exactly what she means when she speaks. More on that and other behaviors/thoughts below the cut.

I am wondering how to kindly point out when she isn't making sense and that I think she needs professional help. It is impossible to offend her, so I'm not worried about hurting her feelings, but I want to be constructive and clear.

Additional details:

- extremely low empathy

- serious alexithymia; has "head emotions" like me, but they're very faint and she can just "push them away". She has made an impressive habit out of this.

- Unable to communicate properly: I think the best example is a past work conflict where she said she'd need four days to finish a project. Four days passed and the project was not done. What she had meant was four days spread out across several weeks. She was bewildered when her workplace did not understand this.

Another example: When she was getting ready for her master's program, she told me that she wouldn't be talking to anybody. When I followed up with her about this because it had made me a bit sad, she backpedaled hard and said that what she had meant was that she would be less available. "Unavailable" and "less available" are two very different things. I was confused as to why she hadn't just said what she meant. This happens a lot. I just remain patient and get clarity on what she means, but sometimes I think even she doesn't know what she means.

- Idiosyncratic beliefs: A thought experiment in university about the possibility of calling a friend during a game show, and winning $1 million if the friend picks up, but losing it all if they don't, convinced her that she needs to pick up every call she receives. Even if it's a robocall. Because a friend might be in that kind of situation and she wants to make sure they win...which is nice, but...

- Masking: like me, she puts on a façade for everyone she knows. Unlike me, she adjusts her persona for each friend group, and after time spent away from them, finds it hard to adjust from group to group. We have agreed not to mask around each other.

- abusive upbringing obv

- Often hurts people with the things she says, even when she doesn't mean to. We've talked about this and have an agreement that if she says something hurtful to me, I can talk to her about it and she will try not to be defensive or evasive about it.

- She changes her mind a lot on things related to values and principles, to the point of true cognitive dissonance. She's been a Communist since high school, but last year said she would have voted for the federal conservative party.

At one point she enthused that it was "incredible" that the provincial conservative party had started polling so strongly. Then, half a year later, when I asked her if she ever feels strong hatred, she said that she hates the provincial conservatives because they are so stupid.

This woman is 28 years old and has a degree in political science 😂 Unsure what changed in either of these cases, but it was her enthusiasm and then vehemence that threw me.

- Gets triggered when other people express emotions like fear, grief or insecurity. She doesn't sense it, but I've noticed how her body language changes (freezing), and her eyes become very distant.

- Has two kinds of tells when making false statements: expressive and brief. Either her inflections become more dynamic, she's more energetic, and she gestures a lot; or, she tells the lie in a single sentence and then stops altogether. She doesn't go on chatting about herself as usual. It's like she doesn't know she's lying, but her body somehow does.

[red-hibiscus]

BL characters I relate to most as a mentally ill gay trans man

Daisy from SCOY

Surprising no one, I, a trans person, relate to Daisy. They're outgoing and seemingly don't care about how people view them. They know they're visibly queer and they normally don't mind it (from what I see). But at the end of the day, society does affect them. They're hesitant to believe Touch genuinely cares and is attracted to them despite Touch being an absolute green flag who is very direct with his flirting. Even after, Daisy was worried about people would view their relationship with Touch and tried to become Day, a more masculine version of themself. Impossible of course and they broke down emotionally exhausted. I feel that so much because I also don't believe it when people, especially cis gay men, are attracted to me. I've caught myself trying to change my behavior to be more masculine (as I'm a bit on the nonbinary side of things). It's bad, but I know how Daisy feels.

Wang from 180 Degree Longtitude Passes Through Us

As a 26 year old trans gay immigrant in a country that doesn't want me, I have a shit ton of pent up anger that has been building up since I was a child. I've calmed down over the years, but I can still be stubborn and argumentative when it comes to politics and human rights. I'm also a linguistics major, thus an academic.

Wang is so much like myself and like a lot of people around me. Like me and Wang would be close friends irl I know it. We're young and stubborn. We're angry at the older conservative people around us, too much sometimes. So he lashes out. Many of his points are correct, but they're not hitting. Partially because the people he's talking to don't want to change, partially because he himself is stubborn. People like us yearn to be free, to be ourselves and to learn. Wang has a passion for the humanities like myself. Yet he knows society really only cares about STEM fields. I've compromised and am getting a master's in computational linguistics. Even though really I just wanna learn as much as I can about sociolinguistics.

Karl from Gaya Sa Pelikula

I haven't watched GSP in a hot minute, but I do remember feeling very seen.

So in the show Karl has his gay awakening, tries to internally and externally deny it, and eventually let himself be free to feel everything and be himself (at least in private).

Now I didn't have a gay awakening, but I guess you could say a trans awakening. In middle school I felt different, I suspected maybe some flavor of LGBT, but wasn't sure and I was too afraid to think about it too hard. Come high school I secretly wanted to join the LGBT club, but was afraid. Then I was essentially adopted into the LGBT club and dragged into the friend group during lunch because I was a loner like everyone else. At the time still "identified" as a cishet woman. As time went on people started to suspect. "Why are you in the club?", "why did you cut your hair", "why do you dress like that?", "your voice is low for a girl haha", etc. Much like Karl, I was not ready for any of that. I was still struggling to make sense of it all and come to terms with it myself. So I kept rejecting it and every time it hurt.

I kept rejecting it until I couldn't. Until someone I resonated with so much came out as trans and it clicked. My trans awakening was complete. I became able to be more myself, but only in private safe spaces. I wouldn't come out and live as a man until after high school and it was terrifying.

Adachi from Cherry Magic

I've only watched the jpn ver, but I'm sure that character remains the same.

I'm anxious and used to be quite shy. Now I'm just awkward. I'm really bad at seeing the good in myself cause I feel like I'm wandering around aimlessly in life. Not that impressive. So when people compliment me I think "haha they're just being nice" (refer back to me never believing people are actually attracted to me).

Adachi is the exact same. He has the same routine every day. Just going through the motions and not really thinking anything of himself. But then Kurosawa comes along and the ability to read minds. Adachi then realizes "wait, someone I respect so much actually loves me? And thinks I have a lot of good qualities? Makes me wanna cry." And me too Adachi. I'd be the same.

Jared from 7 Days Before Valentine

Jared, my precious baby, is described throughout the show as kind, but weird and different. We later learn that he has dyslexia, and honestly he seems to be somewhere on the autism spectrum. Even if he isn't, he has a behavioral difference people pick up on and then shun him for it.

I too was seen as kinda weird growing up. Maybe it was the autism, maybe it was the social anxiety. Probably both. And then of course there was the gnawing feeling that I was different than everyone else and it turns out it's because I'm trans.

So when Jared said that people didn't talk to him because he wasn't like other people it hit me so hard.

Myungha from Love For Love's Sake

The whole show is sad yet cathartic for me. Myungha is depressed yet spends his time comforting others. He has a hard time loving and receiving love. If you give him a fictional character who is very similar to him he will love them and see all the good, but he doesn't see it in himself. Relatable as hell.

I have an incredibly hard time being honest with my emotions and letting people love me and express attraction. Mostly in a romantic/sexual context. Dpdr is cockblocking me. So dating is hell, but I'm lonely and yearn to not be.

Probably if you put me in a situation like Myungha I'd also go "yep, that right there is my blorbo" and then not realize that all the things I like about the person and make me care about them are things I have.

Honorable mentions:

Both Akk and Ayan from The Eclipse

Nozue from Old Fashion Cupcake

Oh-Aew from I Told Sunset About You

Cher from A Boss and a Babe (I headcannon him as autistic)

Amber from DNA Says Love You

Uea from Bed Friend

Mitsuomi from Restart After Come Back Home

Jao from SCOY

Maybe I'll make another post for those later

[eriexplosion]

Getting my finale predictions in before it airs.

Things I'm reasonably sure will happen:

Zillo Beast attack (obviously)

Emerie redemptive death (I don't want this to happen but I feel like she's got a lot to make up for and not much time)

I still don't think we're getting main character deaths, for a variety of factors (a big one being that Omega is worried about getting people killed and so more of her family dying to save her from a situation she put herself in would just validate that)

Continuation of that, Omega will demonstrate her character growth and play a big role in saving one of the batch, probably through some last minute connection with the force

Still think Tech is CX-2 we spent too much time on him this season for him to be irrelevant and no one else will have equal impact on the whole batch, especially Omega. Bringing him back will finally unite the batch and through that get them to a point where they can finally win something. This also pulls together the theme we've touched on this season that people can change no matter how far gone.

Things I just suspect/want:

Crosshair knows Tech is CX-2 and that's what he's been so cagey about. We know about the torture on Tantiss, we know they tried to turn him into a CX, but he still feels like he's holding something big back.

Couple other theories on CX-Tech: has all his limbs but his eyes are cybernetic having been damaged by his goggles, Phee brings back the line "better late than dead" because it feels like one just written to be a callback

Hemlock will survive the batch but all his research will be destroyed so he actually ends up killed by Palpatine for failing him in one last creepy appearance

Rampart betrays the batch and gets one last amazing scream in when the Zillo beast eats him. (Alternate possibility: he survives but is trapped alone on Wayland. In the distance we hear the Beasts. Maybe the Empire will bother to rescue him in 30 rotations. But probably not.)

The Commandos feel abnormally loyal to Hemlock so I'm curious if they're still chipped in some way - if they are, then maybe if they're unchipped they could start reforming Rex's resistance cell?

The batch helps to establish the path with the first people helped by it being our four force sensitive kids, which let's them leave soldiering behind while still actively resisting the Empire

Omega is given the choice to train in the force but actively decides that she would rather stay with her family, giving her a smaller and quieter future but one very in line with her character.

My biggest reason for having a pretty hopeful outlook is that a story needs both high and low points - we've definitely had MAJOR low points, especially in both the previous finales, but we've never really had a big win. Just little ones, small successes along the way but never anything that compares to the losses. If we get another big loss then the story stays flat, nothing ever Peaks and every single season ends on the same tone of loss. Three seasons of slogging towards a sad ending is a hell of a hard sell, especially since it doesn't really show Omega's growth.

She lost Kamino and Crosshair (again) in Return to Kamino. AZI sacrificed himself for her and only survived at all because someone else stepped in. She lost Tech in Plan 99, sacrificing himself for her again and she can't do anything about it.

So season three, do we really need to see her lose again? This time actively because of a choice she made? Does that show us anything about her growth? Or would her being Key to successfully not only getting everyone out alive (remember they're only there right now because of her) but in being able to bring Tech home and, for the first time all series, make their family whole?

This season has been sad, but it's also been about healing the scars of past seasons. Just look at Crosshair's arc. And CX-Tech brings us up to the biggest scar, the one that we've made no progress on healing, the one thing keeping them from being complete. If I'm wrong I'm wrong, but there's simply too much pointing to it for me to think anything else.

[skayafair]

John, Lies and Trust, and the Dark World Pt.5 (and the last)

Part 4

Season 3 & 4

Initially I wanted to list all the parallels but: a) some have been mentioned a lot in posts by others, b) I forgot most of them and c) there's only two things I want to emphasize.

The theme of these parallels is mostly how both Arthur and John use lying, because it's not like John's the only one who can be accused of it. They both resort to manipulation pretty easily if they see this fit. Arthur is actually better at it. He was rather convincing when lying to Yellow about the glass of Cana, for example, let alone in more professional situations like with Marie. John is a way worse liar except for some specific situations. E.g. it was easy to suspect something fishy about the keys but I really couldn't tell he was lying about where to aim an axe. I'm still baffled by this, btw. Killing a person simply out of emotions? John has anger issues and a range of some others as well, but this felt uncharacteristic. Guess I just wasn't able to grasp in full how much the situation with Oscar bugged him. I still consider this the worst doing in his time with Arthur btw. That was very low.

So the things:

Arthur didn't exactly manipulate John into killing Larson (well, Uncle, since Larson was absent) but still pushed him, had a fight and made an ultimatum in the end. He knew full well how John felt about this idea, about Arthur's moral descent, and that John couldn't do anything but sit at the back of his mind and watch. Thankfully he didn't know how much worse it actually was, that John has just come out of TDW and really didn't want to get there again as a result of being stubborn and withholding from aiding Arthur which would have probably gotten them killed (plus I'm sure John didn't want anything THAT bad to happen to Arthur anyway, even during that divorce). I feel it could have been even worse otherwise. And what Arthur did was really shitty, all trauma reasons aside. I can't tell what's worse, a manipulation or a straight up abuse and forcing someone so close to help with committing a murder when they are actively against this, knowing they can't go against you and pushing onto their helplessneess. This is mostly to note that Arthur really doesn't hold any moral high grounds, but not only because of his blood lust during the lowest times in s3, but also because of this - how he treats John before coming to his senses.

The second thing is the actual parallel. Not between the deals or "Arthur's bedrock - John's bedrock" though, but between the way Arthur decided to deal with the mines monster and John's way to go about the deal. Because this is literally the same situation. It's probably obvious to others, but I noticed only after listening back to s3, so I'm putting it here. By that moment Arthur was well aware of how much John was scared to end up in TDW, which they would have if Arthur died for good. He also knew how risky his idea with letting the monster connect to his mind was. And even if everything went according to plan - Arthur was adamant on freeing the monster's victims first because if the flute's sound killed not only the monster but others connected to it too, he didn't want to put them in danger (at least that's how I understood his reasoning, John cut him off with affectionate "I know" before Arthur explained, so). However, he was going to be the last and only one still connected. If he thought others could die when he blew the flute, didn't that mean he was a dead man walking either? An important correction - two dead men walking. Except John was completely unaware. Arthur went against what John specifically asked of him, along with a very risky plan where a lot of things relied on pure luck and John's support. And he lied. The only indication was that he refused to answer John's pleading "If we get cornered, just blow the flute!" and his question: "Do you trust me?". So John's behaviour in s4 perfectly mirrors this. It started with echoing the question back to Arthur in the car, showed in his curiosity about white lies (I can't decide what it was more about - a genuine desire to learn, to have some excuse, - or to give as many hints as possible), and generally came down to "I have a goal in mind, we need to arrive to it but I can't tell you about it, that's too dangerous. I'll try to imply what I can in a roundabout way though."

A side note: I was very surprised John didn't lie about whether all people were free from the tendrils to save time. I remember listening to that part for the first time and expecting it, but it never came. Yes, Arthur would have known if John lied, since he would hear the others while connected to the monster, but John didn't know that was the plan. He still told the truth each time, even though waiting put them into more danger. That was impressive, his circumstances considered.

Lastly, I'd like to summarise this series of posts.

So John hates lying but is also repeatedly driven into a corner where his first impulse is to use manipulation as a way out or is forced to do this (hello agency issues). He learned the hard way why he really shouldn't act like this with Arthur and was determined to keep his friend's trust no matter what. That's where Kayne struck with his deal - he really knew where to aim. With both of them, really. Guess it helps that John and Arthur learned to trust even each other's lies, knowing they won't try to harm each other anymore.

So I hope they outsmarted him in this game <3

[mrs-monaghan]

Hey shaz,

I definitely think that Jikook will be loud af when they get back from MS, or as loud as they can be. Major things will start adding up and making sense in our usual subtle (ISH) breadcrumb way.

But I suspect it'll be a new chapter for BTS, as a whole, on the relationship front. The boys are extremely successful, only getting older, and I think a lot of chapter 2 was them prepping the fandom to see them maturely as well. It's highly likely some of the guys are starting to think long-term both career-wise and family-wise (they're pretty young actually but the idol life moves FAST)

With how famous they are, though, (idols in general), it's so risky to make relationships public unless you're really serious. Read somewhere that they're pushed to keep things secret as much as possible unless it's like a marriage announcement? I'm curious, how do you think the guys will handle this? Cause they're known to break stereotypes and in a way, they could be tired of the airtight romance lock..they're not exactly teenagers sneaking around anymore

Take Taennie (or just Tae with any partner), all this time they had their reasons for keeping it on the down-low, and I suspect partially with the engagement shipping brings in for the company. But I feel like everyone's in new phase of their lives now, so idk if those reasons would still apply to push ships in 2025+ content.

Would love to hear what you think and if you guys know how older K-pop groups handled marriages and transitioning from that ''teenage/young adult, flirty image"?

I honestly believe BTS will be the ones to pave the way when it comes to normalising Idols having rlships. They start everything and others follow. I mean, watch other groups start enlisting together. Boracity did a video about how BTS paved the way

And then also these 2 videos about things BTS started and others followed.

So I can picture the dating thing going on this list. They've never been into fanservice much anyway to begin with and like u said, 2022 & 2023 was them reminding us they are adults. So high chances are when they come back they might be done pretending they don't use their private parts.

V was the first ever idol to somewhat publicly out his rlship. Yes, he later backtracked 🙄😒 but still, he will go down in History for having had the guts to do it in the first place. But damn this man has some shitty fans. Have y'all seen the reactions since the fri(end)s teaser came out? He may have the most fans out of all 7 but they are just horrible. Absolutely horrible. Jimin had so much support when he had a woman in his MV... Heck I don't even remember anyone giving JK shit for his female features but V.... gosh. Do these people even care about him?

Anyway. I digress.

Back to your question. I am not really a Kpop fan, just a BTS fan. So the only person I know is Taeyung. When we first found out Jimin was gonna do a song with him, people were calling him problematic. Turns out his only crime was getting married. That's literally his biggest scandal. Fucking SK, man. 🤦🏽‍♀️

This thing of idols treating fans as their girlfriends is super problematic. I imagine BTS realised that and stopped doing it the older they got. You bring up a good point; It's not just Jikook who will change when they get back, the other members too. Jikook will stop hiding, sure. But... I wonder which other members will do the same. Whatever the case, I'm all strapped in and ready for the ride.

[thebibliosphere]

Hey Bibliomom. So I've had CFS/ME for the past 13 years or so, and I've only just been diagnosed. My feelings on being confirmed to have an incurable disorder rather than something that is in my head(and a personal deficit that I am therefore theoretically capable of overcoming) are... Complicated. Can you recommend any support groups/groups for people trying out and reporting on the effects of various treatments? I have been taking LDN for a few months, and I've recently started on bi-weekly b12 shots. I know it's to be expected but I always feel so gutted when a new treatment doesn't just... Fix Me. I'm looking into mestonin, stellate ganglion blocks, and getting my microbiome mapped and altering my diet based on that. It's all so much money and spoons for a complete crap shoot every time. Have any particular treatments worked well for you?

Unfortunately, there is no Fix Me cure for Me/CFS, there’s just things that help and maybe increase your baseline of wellness. Chief among them, resting while in an active flare to avoid PEM (Post Exertion Malaise.). You can do all the fanciest most expensive treatments, but if you’re not resting enough to avoid PEM, you’re just throwing money away.

The jury is still out between my doctors on whether I have ME/CFS. Some say no because I got substantially better after pernicious anemia treatment and that fatigue is a symptom of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, and what I have is chronic fatigue, not chronic fatigue syndrome.

Some of my other doctors say that’s just splitting hairs. Especially when we now know I have multiple genetic disorders that were made infinitely worse following viral infections and other physical injuries.

Either way they all agree that avoiding PEM is vital at all costs. This means tailoring my physical rehab to very specifically to not push beyond my limits. If I wake up more tired than usual, I cancel physical therapy that day because going through with it can set me back days, sometimes even weeks.

We’ve also found that stabilizing my neck through physical therapy has been beneficial, as cervical instability and things like tethered cord syndrome have also been linked to ME/CFS (Jennifer Brea is a famous example.)

I’m also being assessed this week by a neuro-eye specialist to see if there’s something wrong with my eyes that a regular eye doctor might miss, just on the off chance that a misalignment is the cause of my chronic migraines, and potentially a lot of fatigue as well.

Other than that I take a crap ton of methylated micronutrients under doctor’s orders because my body struggles with the methylation process, and also I just don’t absorb food properly thanks to the EDS and MCAS, so I’m pretty much always deficient in something. Also making sure I’m properly hydrated at all times helps. It’s amazing how crummy low electrolytes can make you feel, even when you think you are adequately hydrated.

As for groups, I find the r/cfs subreddit helpful. The r/CFSplusADHD has also been helpful, though less active. Other than that I recommend following along with the ME Action Network. They post a lot of research and can be a good way to find other people in similar situations.

And to answer your other question about mast cell stabilizers: I rotate between Cetirizine and Levocetirizine at the moment (both h1 blockers), and also Famotidine (h2) when needed. I don’t find Famotidine as effect as Ranitidine, but unfortunately, Ranitidine is still off the market due to a recall concerning product instability.

I’ve also found Ketotifen (h1 blocker) helps to reduce my fibromyalgia type pain, but unfortunately I don’t tolerate it very well and it makes my migraines worse. Same with Cromolyn Sodium. That one actually brought me out in hives when I tried the oral route, but I suspect the dosage was too high. I tolerate the eye drops though.

I also take a high dose of Vitamin D3 every day under doctor’s orders. That has really helped my mast cell symptoms over the last year. It’s amazing what being low on Vit D can cause to fuck up in your body.

Other than that it’s avoid triggers, avoid stress and get plenty of rest.

I hope that helps.

[jacksprostate]

So what advice WOULD you have for people who might suspect themselves to be autistic, especially those who can’t get an official diagnosis? /gen

Yeah sure, under the cut!

My philosophy focuses around problem solving and improving circumstances rather than focusing on getting or following the path of a diagnosis. So the first thing I recommend if you feel you're struggling, is start actually writing down things you struggle with. Big or small. And then for each, start making a plan on how to mitigate or remove your struggles. Obviously, easier said than done. Lord knows it takes a lot of time, effort, and discipline. However, the biggest thing, is keeping a mindset where it is: you have struggles with x. But this is not a permanent thing, this is something you can work on. You may not be as naturally adept as some people, but this is a challenge and you can face it and improve how it affects your life. This is something that has to be done whether you follow the whole diagnosis route or not, because it's the requirement for living, lol.

I will give an example from my own life.

Firstly, I have always very much struggled with food intake. Eating is something of a chore to me, a lot of food is repulsive (less so than before, thankfully), cooking is a lot of energy. Eating healthily is even more of an issue since you have to make and eat so much more of less calorically dense foods. Over the past 4 years, I've improved a lot though, though it has been trying at times. First, I catelogued my issues. My biggest issue is due to eating little, I wasn't getting enough calories, and I was always tired and weak. I was often sleepy, struggled to concentrate. I was on the verge of being underweight but considered not — yet, I had pretty life impacting symptoms. It was actually thought that I had more severe problems due to all the deficiencies I had. So, the first thing I did was seek out high calorie food that I could use to at least increase my energy. Preferably avoiding outright junk food, but basically, I started routinely trying to eat a meal with lots of carbs once a day. As my energy slowly increased, I started trying to fit in healthier snacks and whatnot, but ultimately (even now!) my goal, 100% is just making sure I get enough calories that I'm not tired tomorrow. It was difficult, especially since my appetite was so surpressed hunger didn't really come back until like 6 months in. Nowadays I do get hundry but still find it unfortunately easy to ignore, though I'm a lot better with it. Anyway, focused on high calorie foods. Once I had more energy, I worked on *cooking* high calorie meals. Literally, just like pasta. Noodles with poor man's pesto (garlic, basil, parm, salt). Ramen. I still eat that like once a day lol. My new challenge is shifting that a bit but it's a work in progress. Anyway, while I regressed some sometimes, I started regularly cooking a very very low effort meal once a day, and eating smth that made sure I had energy for the next day. A lot of my symptoms improved even though my diet was still essentially shit. Then, I also worked on taking a multivitamin. I am very bad at sticking with medications so frankly this is still on and off for me, but I'm planning on incorporating it into my morning routine before work and that should help. I did do this consistently for a while, and this helped. All this happened over 2-3 years. If I ever ate out, I made sure to get something with meat and vegetables since I knew I wasn't getting it at home. Now, my most recent success is I've started managing to meal prep and bring lucnhes to work. I do really simple air fryer chicken and rice/couscous, or fried rice (good for veggies). So far I've managed to consistently bring food, which is a goal I've never dreamed I'd be able to manage on my own! Super awesome. I also found 'drinking' my meals is easier sometimes, so I found smoothie mixes I can tolerate that have more nutritious things. And I do that sometimes. Anyway, I'm finally at the point where the struggle is less eating, and now more expanding my consistent cooking and making myself a better diet. But that is SIGNIFICANT success compared to where I was originally, when I wasn't cooking and I was barely eating and it was physically impacting my life in a way that made it much harder to claw my way out of. But, despite it taking a long time and having a lot of backsliding, I was able to significantly improve.

This sort of thing can be applied to mental health stuff, social stuff, etc. Basically, identify your issues, identify solutions — long term goals but also specific short term steps that will get you there. And then keep trying. Even when you fail. Even when you give up for a long while. Even when it feels like it isn't working. Keep trying. And eventually you'll have made progress even without realizing.

I also applied something similar to trying to work out how to socialize well. Which may be applicable for you. The best thing you can do in my experience is watch people, be confident, and try to pay attention and learn how to interpret people's comfort levels and what's common casual topics of conversation and what's not. Yes, it's hard, and it's usually not intuitive, and that's a big part of why you may feel you are autistic, because this seems entirely foreign in a way it's not to other people. But it is a skill you can learn. At this point, I can hold a conversation with my coworkers, even if we don't have much in common or if we have differing opinions or whatnot, I can have a good lunch conversation and come off as 'intense, but nice'. Which is a good thing to aim for. Like with the eating, I recommend a lot of reflection and efforts to catelogue and identify areas of struggle and how you can observe and practice improvement. The more you do all this, the more it will genuinely become less manual and more automatic, like driving a car. There's a lot you think about when you first start driving, that you aren't consciously thinking about 5 years later. It's the same way. And also, try not to take your fuckups too personally. And some people just won't like you. It is what it is. Just keep chugging.

I know, it is easy to sit here and be like "why should I have to figure out and stick with common topics of conversation? I'm not into those :/" Lord knows, I always felt dumb and out of place whenever people bonded over sports. But what these common topics are, their purpose is essentially like a little olive branch, a thing the person is offering to try and make it easier to chat by commiserating over a common thing, whether it's a issue, a thing yall like, or something else. I'll probably never manage to follow sports teams and I don't want to, but I will nod along as some guys talk and commiserate when they express feelings about wins or losses. The point is to bond. That's why the weather is such a huge topic. Small talk serves a huge purpose! The more you become familiar with how to casually hold a conversation with someone you don't know well over one of these topics, the easier it'll be, and most social stuff develops from that sort of thing. As you bond over the olive branch topics, you can flesh out anecdotes and experiences and personal stuff as you become better friends with people, rather than throwing it all at someone at once and hoping they catch and like you. It lets you sort of get a feel for people, and you can keep it at the small talk level instead of just not talking at all or immediately proceeding to best friends mode. It's a comfortable middle.

I also really recommend, for anyone, engaging and developing a fondness for the world around you, and practicing having appreciation for everything. It has helped my mindset and capability to keep trying. I really recommend learning to identify some category of things in nature in your area, because you'll feel more grounded in the world, you'll see more detail, and the world will feel less threatening.

[void-botanist]

🖊 🖊 🖊 🖊 !!!!!!!!!

Hello Ren!!! You get several paragraphs about Fay and Lou's terrible divorce :D

They're like the inverse of Sorian and Avis, because it was less clear-cut what exactly made everything fall apart. There were first the general resentments of Fay being mostly a stay-at-home mom while Lou sunk way too much of his time in the bakery - simultaneously a moneymaker, a status symbol, and the target of Fay's ire. But this was a simmer of a conflict. Things didn't start escalating until Isabel came out as trans when she was 11. Neither Fay nor Lou had any trouble with this, at least until Lou made it all about him. He would never ask Isabel to be someone she wasn't, no, but now he was left high and dry with no son to inherit his bakery, to carry on the patrilineal tradition he'd singlehandedly revived. All that time he spent there was a waste without an heir, you know?

Fay took this as proof that he did care about the bakery more than his family, and they started to fight more and more. In his deepening unhappiness Lou accidentally found a new love interest (along the lines of "she happened to help me with bakery taxes" or something) and realized that oh, maybe he really didn't need to be in this miserable marriage anymore. I think it's actually more interesting if they were "good" and never banged prior to the divorce, because that was immaterial as soon as Lou told Fay that he'd found a new partner so maybe it was time they broke up. This was the moment when Fay's poorly attached hinges flew off and she began throwing everything of his in a pile at the bottom of the stairs, followed by screaming at him to leave so loudly that the neighbors could hear.

After that the divorce should have been quick but they argued about the bakery revenues and the house and custody of Rodney and Isabel (who were 10 and 13 when the whole debacle started and pretty clearly sided with Fay, because at least she'd always been there) and whether they could get a fault divorce (honestly I'm not sure but Fay wanted one) and finally, a year and a half later, the divorce was finalized. Lou let Fay offload the house onto him and she, Isabel, and Rodney left for Antarac. He got remarried to his new partner, Annette, who he's still married to, and they later adopted a kid, Hatt, who's the middle sibling age-wise between them, Rodney, and Isabel. I have yet to work out a lot of Hatt's background but between them and Annette, Lou has learned quite a lot about how not to be transphobic and also how not to be weird by adding a "Be My Heir" letter into the mix of yearly birthday cards to your son (just don't do that). Hatt is all too happy to be the heir to the bakery but had the advantage of being adopted as a teenager and therefore not raised with Expectations like Isabel and Rodney (I suspect they were like Annette's nibling or cousin to begin with). Annette ends up low-key being Isabel's hero because she had a double mastectomy for cancer reasons and therefore also has a flat chest.

I'm indisposed for doodles/picrews atm but I want to make some of them later and get their designs a little more nailed down.

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Nicea taglist: @kahvilahuhut @malloen8c @outpost51 @writernopal @athenswrites

[midnight-rice]

Ephemerality, creativity, and completion

My sleep schedule is fucked and my brain is fried and I can't sleep so naturally I decided to go through all some of the files backed up in my Google Drive--- mainly my own artwork, old and new, some of my writing WIPs, and snippets of creative projects from fans and professionals alike that I had saved as inspirations. It was really refreshing to look back on the techniques and the flaws and the ideas in each of them, as well as my personal growth and the development of my interests. But so much of my work in there hasn't been shared because it's incomplete, which is something that haunts me quite a lot sometimes and as I was thinking about it and what I want from life I think I reached a new point in thinking. Apologies if I sound angsty or self-absorbed, I'm just liveblogging my musings for my own preservation purposes:

My inability to finish stuff is something that developed later in my life, starting around maybe late high school and becoming more noticable in my early twenties (although technically I'm still in my early twenties 😅). I suspect the cause is related to a mental disorder, probably ADHD though I'm not sure I'll ever get an official diagnosis, since the symptoms do sound similar to descriptions of executive dysfunction: almost everything I make has an invisible ticking clock on it, the length of which can vary wildly, but once that timer runs out the odds of completion drop abysmally low, no matter how much I care about the creation/task or how important it is. I've found that there are ways to prolong this deadline sometimes and the effectiveness of those methods can vary too. Sometimes it's better to take frequent breaks to avoid burnout, and other times it's better to push through while the intrinsic inspiration is high. Sometimes it's better to have deadlines to establish clear goals, and sometimes it's better to dismiss the time limitations because they can cause anxiety and hopelessness. Sometimes it's better to share what I'm working on in order to reignite interest by vicariously experiencing the idea with new eyes, and sometimes it's better to keep it to myself so that my brain doesn't conflate the act of sharing with the act of finishing.

And I know that things don't have to be complete in order to be shared, or at least I try to remind myself of that. My perfectionism makes me want to have it be *done* in its best currently possible form when shared, and tbh social media often reinforces that idea to an extent since WIPs tend to get way less attention than finished things but that's not entirely my point rn. I've more or less accepted that some things are made to matter in the moment, that I made them when I needed to and that it's okay to move on to other things without finishing. But presenting incomplete works can still feel like almost a betrayal as much as hoarding them does because it opens up possible miscommunication or misinterpretation--- if I had just found the right words or drawn the right details THEN the audience would get it.

And I think for me personally that idea of "getting it" is really important to me. I'm naturally more shy and reserved (or maybe it's not natural and was more of a coping mechanism to fit in but I'm not going there today lol) and I struggle to find the right words a lot in speech but the things I make manage to say a lot more about me than I can verbalize. A lot of my relationships are more surface-level like acquaintances and coworkers which is fine, it's unrealistic and probably unhealthy to be deeply intimate with everyone you know. But even some of my closer ones like my family still feel shallow at times or disconnected. I don't mean to sound edgy or that I'm "misunderstood," but I worry sometimes that if I got hit by a truck tomorrow they'd put the wrong words on my tombstone and never know about a Google Drive full of incomprehensible creative works that nevertheless mattered so much to me.

Oh my god the irony... I'm so tired I cant even finish this post and now it looks like I'm just having an anxiety spiral... f

[crochetotterblog]

🩸🔪Who’s a good boy?🔪🩸

WORD COUNT: 2,649💕

Summary: Breaking news: A serial killer has just been spotted in Hawkins as of last week, do not walk alone, stay indoors unless absolutely necessary, stay where you are, stay with family or friends, go in pairs, if you see anything or know anything call the local authorities, pray to whatever God you believe in. This guy has already killed two people, in broad daylight, keep your eye out for anyone suspicious in anyway. May God have mercy on our souls. . .

A/N: finally got some of my drafts out, give these stories some sugar will ya?

Warning(s): 18+, blood, gore, stalking, cursing, fighting, choking, (let me know if I missed any)

I shut off the TV, rolling my eyes. Seriously? They think a man is doing the killings? I'll give you something a man would do, stupid fuckers. The media gets on my nerves all the time, they never assume a woman could be doing what the assume is a mans' job, related to killing. But, whatever, fuck me right? I sighed tying my shoes. Another day in another town, another journal entry. No lover, no one to hold. The last person I fell in love with, found out what I had done to his "girlfriend" she didn't deserve him, he was mine and only mine, no matter how much I tried to bring him to me. He never came, he walked in on me tying a rope around her neck and trying to set an apparent suicide. I dropped her lifeless body and held my arms out, for a hug, I was so sure he would understand and come running into my arms. Then we could have made love right next to her stiff body...That didn't happen, he pushed passed me screaming her name, shaking her and crying. 'Baby?! Wake up—Baby!' He screamed. No response. 'I'm right here' I said in a hush tone, I wanted him to fucking notice me. He did notice me, moving his glossy eyes to look up at me, only to scream and call me a monster. I am not a fucking monster, I am a good person trying to get the one they love. That hurt, him calling me a monster hurt the most..I love hi— no, I loved him. Once that left his lips, something inside me flipped; like someone flipping the light switch in a dark room to bring in light. All I saw was red. Once I came to my sense and looked at what I had done, tears building up in my eyes, staring at my shaking hands only to be covered with blood. Tears began to stream down my face as I look at his lifeless body, a hammer covered in his blood. I silently sobbed as I cleaned up my stupid fucking mess. If only he hadn't of seen me, if only..I might as well keep a low profile as best as I can, otherwise I will have to move again.

No one suspects an innocent girl—Right?

I slipped into my alt themed clothes:

I had transferred myself to the Hawkins High School. I don't talk to my parents anymore, not since the incident. I never cared for them, I mean they never noticed me, I hardly felt loved by them. If I had felt love from them, would I be the person I am today? I sighed as I stepped outside my trailor and began to walk the 3 miles to school. Being a murderer, has it's perks I guess, the speed that I walk at always gets me there faster than my victim; basically like the movies. It's funny to know that small dumb things like walking will be to my advantage. I didn't have a bag, all I had was my purse, not like I really cared for school. Only subject I cared about was, english and science; I will always love science; always new ways to hide the bodies and to kill. Though English, I can always write a fake suicide note, which was what I was planning to do before he ruined it and tried to play the hero. I hate those kind of people. 10 minutes pass, I had arrived at the school. Looking around I found some woods near by, 'good start' I said to myself, looking around the parking lot I can see the jocks, cheerleaders, geeks, nerds, band kids, everyone. My eyes fell on a white van, something I haven't seen in awhile, at least since my last killing spree much far in the south of Indiana; I smiled, 'who is the idiot with a white van with no fucking windows' I asked myself. The driver side door flung open, smoke poured out of the van like water was rushing out to fill the parking lot, I took a deep breath, 'weed', I let a sigh that turned into a soft moan. I haven't smoked in awhile, but I did like the smell. A leg slammed on the concrete, then another, followed by a deep raspy grunt. This tall boy, long brown curly hair, somewhat saggy black skinny jeans, wearing a baseball shirt with the words 'Hellfire Club' written on it; with dice, a demon and what looks like a dagger. I stared at him, looking him up and down, 'omg—' I gulped, from my head to my toes I felt this tingling feeling that found its place at my core, my heartbeat wasn't beating in its normal speed. I bit the inside of my cheek as I squeezed my thighs together. Smiling I watched him stomp out his blunt, heat rose to my cheeks, I couldn't help how much I was smiling, my cheeks began to hurt. I walked up to his van slowly, right before I had reached his van he ran off into the school; I bent down and picked up his butt of a blunt. I pull out a wooden box, and carefully placed the end inside. I closed it with a kiss and out it back in my purse.

I giggled to myself, my cheeks still hot, 'I will make you mine, my love' I smiled. 'You will be mine always and forever'. I started my day off by getting my schedule, as much as I hated not seeing the love of my life, 24/7, I had to blend in. My first few classes were as boring as ever. I didn't talk to anyone, never said a word, I only nodded and shook my head in response. A straight resting bitch face all morning until lunch came around. I walked into the room and headed towards the line to grab anything. Everyone and their cliques found their respected tables and sat down, I walked to the corner of the room, to sit down at this small round table. It wasn't like the rest of the tables, looking at my sorry excuse of a lunch, I picked off the things that I could eat and that wouldn't mess up my stomach. Most of the sorry excuse wasn't all appealing to the eye, whoever made the food will die sometime this week or today. I pulled out a small notebook from my purse and a pencil, might as well start working on new methods. Still poking at my food, and doodling methods I could feel someone's eyes on me, I stopped my pencil in its tracks and looked up to see a blonde boy staring at me, only he wasn't at his table, he was standing infront of me, and my table. I looked him up and down, raising an eyebrow; he smirked and sat in front of me. "You're new right?" He asked, I nodded. He smiled again, "You're cute, want to come sit with me and my friends?" He asked nicely, I thought nothing of it but I had a bad feeling, I shrugged. He stood up holding his hand out to me, I took his hand and he lead me to his table full of guys in letterman jackets. I couldn't help but feel weak, like they were undressing me with their stares, I gulped a hunk of spit down as I sat, I didn't smile, I didn't say a word, I looked down at my notebook and continued to doodle. I looked around the room one more time, to see that almost everyone was staring at me at the jock table, I lowered my head slightly in shame, scanned the room one more time to find him, my love staring at me, with wide eyes. Heat rushed to my cheeks, I smiled at him, he didn't smile back but gave me a nod, acknowledging me. My heart sank to the floor, 'Is this true love?' I asked myself. I kept imagining everything with him, I have been saving my first time for the right guy, and he noticed me! On my first day of school. I drew and drew, throughout lunch, pictures of him and me; with as many kids as he wanted. A white picket fence, big lovely house, 4 dogs, anything and everything. I will be the perfect housewife for him, whatever he wants to do for work I support fully; I only ask for him to be mine and only mine.

I pulled my hand up to my face, holding my cheek softly as I smiled looking at my work. The bell rang and I quickly shoved my notebook into my purse and got up. I walked towards the door, but someone grabbed my wrist and pulled me back, I look up and it was the blonde boy, "I'm Jason Carter by the way, and I was wondering if you would like to hang out sometime" he smiled rubbing the back of his neck, I looked at him with big doe eyes then at my love. I shook my head, and walked away. I swear I heard him growl like a dog, he then pushed passed me with the words "Fucking tease", he huffed as he walked out of the room. I rubbed my shoulder, where he had pushed through me, pouting, frowning, 'Jason Carter, huh? Big mistake to tell me your name pal. I snickered to myself, god another beautiful episode was about to go down, I couldn't stop smiling, I was so happy and excited that another victim of mine decided to spill the beans on their name! I might take him up on his 'hangout' offer, the closer I am to my victim the less suspicious it is. I continued the rest of my day watching him from a far, the love of my life, he wasn't doing any school work. He just sat there drawing, tapping his pencil on his desk or was writing. I tilted my head slightly in confusion, I started making my way to my locker when I bumped into two people, I looked down in shame, not saying a word. "Hey you okay?" one asked, I nodded, still looking at my shoes. "You're new right? My name's Dustin" he said, I looked up at him to see a boy with curly light brown hair, in what looks like a Hawaiian shirt and 'thinking cap', "This is Mike" he pointed to his friend with long curly black hair, he waved slightly, he didn't seem too happy in meeting me. I nodded and pulled out some paper to write my name, 'I'm Y/N', I handed the note to Dustin, "Nice to meet you Y/N, um do you play DnD?" Dustin asked, I nodded and held up two fingers signifying I have played a little bit. "We are looking for a new recruit, to fill in for out friend Lucas" I smiled and nodded excitedly. Dustin gave a big toothy grin, "Awesome! We meet after school today, though Gareths' mom doesn't want us over again after the mess we made, would it be okay with your folks for us to play there?" I thought for a second, then nodded and wrote my address on the paper that had my name on it, handing it over to Dustin. I smiled clutching my books to my chest. "Amazing, we didn't think that someone of your class would play DnD, so glad you do!" I tilted my head confused, only for Mike to open his mouth, "Dustin, this is some kind of joke dude, I'm sure this is a prank so she can be on the cheer squad" he rolled his eyes looking at me, my bubbly demeanor faded as I stared at him, my arms fell slack still clutching my books. I took deep breaths, as many as I could, "See, what did I tell you, it is all an act" my eyes shot up at Mike, looking him into his big brown eyes. I stared into his fucking soul, I huffed at his comment. I shoved him into the lockers pinning him at the throat, pointing my finger at him. "Ooh so scary" he said sarcastically, I furrowed my eyebrows, 'Are you fucking kidding me?' I asked myself, I shoved my forearm up on his neck, pushing him up. He began to hit me trying to get me too stop. Dustin started to panic as he tried to pull me off of him. "Jesus, you're strong, come on man" he said. The bell rang and I dropped Mike to his knees, I slammed my foot on the lockers next to his head, and whispered, "I will fucking kill you, you say something like that again; they'll never find your body." Before he could ask anything I took my foot away from his head, smiling, and bowed to say 'sorry' and continued to my next class.

"D-dude, she's fucking c-crazy!" Mike choked. Dustin nodded his head, "Where's Edd-"

"Looking for me?" Eddie said walking up to the two boys. The rest of the group came a long when they saw Mike struggling to stand, "We found s-someone to fill in b-but she's f-fuck—" Mike cut himself off, he and Dustin looked over Eddie's shoulder to see me giving Mike a death stare, pointing two fingers at him and back to my eyes. He lowered his head, "Nevermind...". Eddie raised his eyebrow confused, "Okay then..?" he sighed. The day ended very quickly, I rushed home to clean, tossing all of my bloody weapons into my closet, picked up dirty clothes, I did everything I could to hide that I had a 'gross hobby', and I did a pretty damn good job of him. After the stunt I had pulled, I assumed they would come over in fear that I would kill them. To be honest I hope they come, I want to make friends, I smiled to myself, I don't talk much for a reason though, not speaking much means no one will suspect you know anything about anyone or thing for that matter. I'm glad I can hold myself back from going through the whole killing process, saves my skin and my neck. No one will ever know it's me, the only person who would or might is my love, my darling, puppy, my baby, my everything. But until then I must keep a low profile, keep it low like an ankle..because an ankle is 3 feet lower than a cunt, so might as well play dumb. I giggled to myself as I continued to clean. I heard a knock at the door, I checked my watch, 4:20 (aha blazzin') I walked over to the door a margarita in hand. I opened the door to see, 6 boy standing on my front porch, all of them looked somewhat the same, minus the hair styles and stuff. I smiled softly, already shy to finally see him, my lover. I moved out the way to let them in, I took a gulp on my drink to calm my nerves. Once they walked into my house they saw my dining room table, cleared off, the birch wood reflecting the artificial light into their eyes. I had a few of my old DnD binders at my spot, I had also set out a cooler full of drinks, for the children at least while I had a small red cooler next to my chair, it held mixes and all the hard stuff. I hummed to myself as I grabbed 6 glasses. They walked around the house, admiring the aesthetics. I set the drinks down and shoved some chips on the side table.

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@harringtonfan4