#(a claim with which I doubt is even actually a part of autism but i digress)

[snekdood]

i think being raised by smartphones, not facing consequences for bullying, and being shit at school has made a lot of gen z genuinely evil

[sophieinwonderland]

I think a lot of community infighting among oppressed people is manufactured by bad actors to destabilize the power we have in our numbers. It's a lot easier to divide and conquer, so to speak. If our communities are fractured and we're driving each other away over who "qualifies" to be in the community, it'll be a cinch to win people over to conservatism, either because those people were made into outcasts by their community or because they couldn't get rid of the "undesirables and fakers" and just decided it wasn't worth the trouble anymore.

The best part (for those manufacturing the drama) is that the only thing they have to do is sow doubt in a few places, and the rest is done by people who bought into the bullshit. We saw a lot of this during the ace discourse heyday, and it works so well that the pattern is almost identical across so many different discourse topics.

"X isn't really a part of our community. They're actually fakers. Even if they're not faking, it's possible for them to conceal their identity and appear as if they aren't one of us [often not by choice or because being open about it would be dangerous], which means they have privilege over us and are an enemy."

With the ace discourse, we got such gems as "aspec actually means autism spectrum and using it to mean anything else is ableist," and "asexules actually just means sexualities in Spanish, ignore the fact that the asexual flag is right there," among other things. And it worked. A lot of us aspec folks felt unsafe enough that we went back into the closet. It wasn't even until recently that I felt safe enough to come to the realization that I'm aroace.

I saw someone not that long ago chastising transgender people for marking trumeds on shinigami eye as unsafe because "well they're not entirely transphobic, just misguided," which I thought was ridiculous. If someone is going around saying, "transtrenders are stealing our resources, those icky trans people who make their gender their whole identity shouldn't get to sit with us," that person is being transphobic. Even if they wise up and grow past that hatred and internalized bigotry, and there's a lot riding on that "if," they're still not a safe person for a good portion of trans people to be around. Hence, the marking them as unsafe.

So yeah, that's my conspiracy theory. There's like a formula for this shit, down to the smallest detail.

Thanks for the addition!

This... weirdly reminds me of that anti-endo who was theorizing that endogenic systems were a psyop meant to sow division.

That's not an insult. I actually... kind of enjoyed reading that theory, even if it was totally wrong. (As a system who definitely has no trauma and is still plural, I can confirm that we're not a psyop.)

I just find it interesting how similar your minds work. 😜

But I mean, when it comes to conservatives, you're also definitely not wrong in many cases! There are some conservative aggravators out there who will adopt progressive language to disguise hate, preaching values they don't truly believe in to sow division. And I wouldn't be shocked if you were right about it happening in the ace discourse.

I have a harder time believing that it's happening in syscourse though, just because of how niche the community is. While I hope things will change in the coming years, right now, I don't think we're even on the radars of 99% of conservatives.

With the ace discourse, we got such gems as "aspec actually means autism spectrum and using it to mean anything else is ableist," and "asexules actually just means sexualities in Spanish, ignore the fact that the asexual flag is right there," among other things.

It's actually eerie how similar the playbooks are. The whole "Aspec means autism" claim sounds exactly like the "system hopping was stolen from RAMCOA systems" lie. I wonder if we're just destined to eternally repeat history in different marginalized communities.

But can I ask what the deal was with the Spanish one? I'm confused on how that was even supposed to be a gotcha or what the argument was there.

Again, thanks for sharing your thoughts. And let me also say that I'm glad the infighting with exclusionists has settled down enough that you feel safe being out. Hopefully that bodes well for the plural community getting to a point where it's safer for endogenic systems.

[rayinberkeley]

Coming Out as Neurodivergent

When you're gay, a thousand people will try to tell you that it's a phase, a choice, something you have to suppress, something they cannot condone, and a variety of other things that basically punishes you for what you couldn't turn off if you tried. Because it's something you didn't choose. You were born as you are. And you have every right to be enraged by their statements.

For a very long time I've felt a very similar way when people tried to tell me things like, "Beggars can't be choosers," and suggested I'm where I am because I don't make money. I knew that I could at least get them on board with the first thing, because many of them were either gay or understood that issue, but I knew also that they'd never understand it about my inability to hold down a job or responsibilities. I knew they'd think I was reaching. I knew they'd think I'm "just making excuses."

And yet I felt it nonetheless. A thing I couldn't say, but a thing I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt. I couldn't bring you into my mind so you could experience the tremendous meltdowns, the depressions, the complete disappearances and coming-to in a place without remembering how (sometimes even why) I escaped there. And people wouldn't have heard.

Then came my diagnoses: PTSD, major depressive disorder, and that one I still challenge called Avoidant Personality. Diagnosed with the most advanced testing available by doctors at a JFK University facility in Concord, California, successfully defended in a court in Oakland, winning my claim to SSI disability pay. Despite this, I still knew, I could never say this without someone thinking the same things.

Diving further in, however, coming to realize I most likely am autistic, I can actually defend this. Autism is another thing, like homosexuality, that I was born with, that I didn't choose, and that isn't a phase, a choice, something I should have to suppress (although my high-masking suggests on the surface I'm a damned master at it), it's not something for which you get to condone or deny, nor is it up for debate. Instinctively I knew, but if we test this, I'll know for a fact I can say this and can refuse anybody's challenging of it.

I do not have that diagnosis yet. I'm saying it ahead of time. That is how certain I am.

"The day I was formally diagnosed with autism," comedian, Hannah Gadsby, said in her Netflix special, Douglas, "was a very good day. Because it felt like I'd been handed the keys of the city of me. Because I was able to make sense of so many things that had only ever been confusing to me. Like why I can be so intelligent but struggle to leave any proof." (Pause for laughter, and it's okay, I find this funny too, and it TOOOOOTALLY applies to me!) "Why I can't feel informed. Why I felt such a profound sense of isolation my entire life despite trying so hard to be part of the team. And that is a big thing about being on the Spectrum. It is lonely. I find it very difficult to connect to others because my brain takes me to places where nobody else lives."

I've only ever felt like the proverbial "stranger in a strange land," like I didn't speak your language but if you hummed a few bars I could fake it, and faking it is all I was ever really able to do. Because I never really felt a member of your species. Growing up, everyone my age started getting interested in things I simply didn't, rode bikes while I never learned, played games that didn't interest me, couldn't wait to start dating while I stayed alone, learned to drive cars while my family didn't even think about teaching me, planned futures while I didn't even have any such notion of how I could even begin such a task, for college or jobs or such. I just floated, unguided, and with no notion of what I would need next.

Like I didn't get "the memo."

"To give you an idea of what it feels like to be on the Spectrum," she'd said a little earlier in that special, "basically it feels like being the only sober person in a room full of drunks, or the other way around. Basically everyone is operating on a wavelength you can't quite key into ... why didn't I get the memo? I never get the memo. I never do. I've always missed the memo."

I've said things exactly like this to therapists. Some of these almost word for word. Not a one ever even introduced the idea of autism. Not a one. But I do know what they introduced to me, and that was the possibility that I could work if I just wanted to, because in the end I think that's all they seemed to care about. I wasn't saying I didn't want to. I was trying to find out why I couldn't. And I didn't need pep talks.

And don't get me wrong, some people with autism do very good work, and some don't, and the one I'm quoting is a goddamned stand-up comedian who stands in front of an audience (I could NEVER) and entertains them with amazing skill. But it's not called the Autism Monolith. It's called a Spectrum.

I might have done just fine on a job if someone might've understood how to guide someone with autism like mine to doing so, but unguided isn't where I can function. Assuming I'll understand what I need to do isn't the way. Hell, the part time job I shined at, working in that metaphysical bookstore in Acworth, was because Wanda guided me in just a way that worked for me, while no other position ever did so.

And when she was gone, I could not continue it. Not for very long.

Nobody really understood what it was I needed, nor cared, nor owed it to me (save for my family who, also, didn't care). I couldn't count on that guidance to be beside me in the stable way I needed. I probably never will. And without a sense of safety and stability, you can forget me being able to do any damn thing, and that's what I've never really had. Or okay, FELT I had. I hadn't keyed into the wavelength that where I was was safe, even if I were in a place of safety, but I'm not entirely certain I ever was, because I always remember being proved that I really wasn't. And what I hate most is my self-doubt that I'd even really know this.

Without safety, with chaos or a sense chaos was coming, my ability to function crumbles, my mind panics, my entire self melts down, and all this happens while I'm masking the living SHIT out of my inner hell so I don't bother anybody with what's going on inside of me.

I can't turn that off any more than I could turn off that I prefer dick over vagina. I can't make that part of me vanish any more than I could go into shock therapy and turn myself into a breeder. I simply am gay, and I simply am autistic, and I simply have no idea how to function as a part of anybody's team.

This is me. This is my other coming out.

I'm here, I'm neurodivergent, get used to it.

If there's a flag for that, please let me know.

The difference is, I'd actually choose gay. It's pretty fucking awesome. I've seen the alternative, and eww. But I wouldn't have chosen autism. You have no idea the things I wanted to be, wanted to do, wanted to accomplish. The years and years of loneliness that I would've done anything (if only I could) just not to feel. I don't even get the superpowers of autism like Sheldon Cooper has, to solve massive equations and unravel the secrets of the universe. I just get the kryptonite parts: human interaction drains me, connection is impossible, I can't recognize red flags, I cannot keep promises or fulfill obligations, and I don't just go out and meet people without it being a terrifying endeavor.

And I'm just too tired, after decades of trying to fight this, to continue to do so. To paraphrase Will & Grace, I've heard the neurodivergent version of Jack tell my denial version of Will, "Aren't you tired yet?" And I am. So very tired. I can't do this cycle any more. I can't mask and entertain and make people laugh and then find myself baffled why they suddenly get angry when I don't just magically get better, find work, and sustain, or they accuse me of excuses, or just being lazy, or just......

I don't know. I don't understand your world. You all talk to each other in terms of, "What do you do?" and money troubles, and your house or your car or your business, and I'm sitting there trying to not tell you I'm still floating like I have since I was in fifth grade, no work, never really owned a car, will never have a house, scared I'll end up homeless at any moment, having no idea what to do, how to do it, how to hold it together as I try to do whatever it is I simply don't have a map for in the first place!

I didn't want to become this alone. And now it's practically the only thing I want IS to be alone. Because I need now to learn how to be this, figure out who the fuck I actually am without the mask, so I no longer feel the need to wear that damn mask. So that if and when I should choose to try to be with people again, it is by choice rather than desperation and need, and I can show you who I am, without committing those same failures of my past.

But also, because I'm hard for people to take in the few minutes they have to take me, but I need you to know, I take that part of me everywhere, and I find everyone always hard to take all the time. For me it's a 24/7 job to try to be one of you. I'm bad at showing the usual niceties that are expected amongst you, but also, I rarely feel them anyway. Step in my head. See if you feel like saying "thank you" and other formalities when you're in nonstop fear and uncertainty!

And as I already stated, professional tests defended in a court of law found that I can't sustain work. It is no wonder I melted down. What's a wonder is, how I kept going as long as I did.

[bokettochild]

small rant warning, very personal, I'm just processing

The actual heck? The heck? The heckity heck?

Okay, so I just read the Autistic Legend headcannons and...I'm.....confused? That's autistic behavior? I grew up with two autistic kids and a dad and sister who my mom defines as having 'aspergers', and I had no clue?

My mom claims to be able to identify autism and whatnot with ease after working with children for 30+ years, but I'm beginning to doubt it because more and more I have been running into information from autistic people themselves, and not doctors or neuro-typical folks, and...I'm....relating to it? And she's never said anything?

Like, the autistic Legend headcannons for instance.

Food. I don't eat well. I always thought it was because I have had mouth surgery twice, once so I could breath properly because apparently my tonsils were so big the doctors were surprised I could breath at all while lying down, and a second time to bore a hole through my jaw so a tooth would actually come down. Anyways, the second one was sort of recent, just a year ago, and since then eating has been trickier. I always was told I was super picky, although that might be true? I can't eat beans because the texture makes me sick, but cornmeal based things are something I just can't handle. There's other things, mostly just spicy foods or heavily seasoned things, but as of late, most breads and meats are on the list too. I mean, I can eat them, but making myself do so can range from just a bit of worry to straight up trying to force it while my throat closes.

Stims. The cracking knuckles and messing with hair hit me in the gut because I do that a lot! I pop my knuckles whenever I'm nervous or have nothing to do with myself, that or roll my neck. But if I have to sit still a long time and listen to something or read or get caught trying to focus, I've always had an issue with scratching. Like, my head, my hands. I used to make both bleed because while it didn't necessarily feel good, it was satisfying in a weird way and helped me handle school stress and stuff better.

Clothes. I grew up wearing different clothes each day but honestly choosing them is a chore and if I could I'd fall back to my go to flannel shirt, maybe a tank top, and a pair of pants. the flannel is big and comfy and warm, and makes me feel safe. It's sort of like a boyfriend's sweater? But minus the boyfriend. I bought the biggest men's size they had in store and while I'm not drowning in it, it makes me feel better because I can pretend or imagine I'm borrowing a loved one's clothes, which helps a lot when I'm feeling lonely and/or touch starved (aka most of the time). But yeah, could I get away with wearing stuff like this all the time I would? Just, I like looking nice, but this outfit doesn't bother my skin the way lots of other clothes do. Most clothes feel a bit restraining or heavy or too much or too tight or just wrong. Like, I look good, but someone's always got something to say, and at least with my flannel there's no question about stuff. I'm being lazy, I know it doesn't look nice, it doesn't matter how it fits because it's too big to tell what I look like beneath (for the most part, i'm still female), in fact it even makes me look smaller (my mom's always on us about looking fat and/or pregnant despite the fact we've all just got naturally wider set skeletons). I just- having a set of clothes that's your go to to avoid making choices of other clothes?

Honestly, I have no clue how much of this is actually ND stuff, I'm just referencing that headcannon list.

Does a hatred of socks and shoes count? Does hating have the blankets over your feet count? Does a hatred of gloves count? We live near the mountains, it gets freaking cold, but I don't like hand/foot cages, even if I know I need them because otherwise I could get really sick (that and my skin cracks and bleeds with humidity and harsh winds, never mind the cold)

Yelling. The yelling thing hit. I can't handle volume anyway, my hearing is shit. That said, I randomly just...need to huff? I exclaim when reading stuff, even if it's just me. I babble at characters and I huff and exclaim and shout and I thought it was just a reading thing but sometimes it happens when I'm thinking too? Or just...I need to make sounds?

And then there's the muttering. I think better aloud. I will walk circles and think out loud, and have done so. I wore a small circular track into the ground behind our barn because I would tell myself stories as a coping mechanism and just rant or chatter things out to myself. My mom fusses about it and tells me to stop because "it's disturbing and you know what our families mental health history looks like!" which yeah, her whole family are a bunch of wackadoos; like, yes they have mental illness, but they're also just, as she says, scary. Like, abusive, insane, and in one case, potentially possessed.

So I get it, but also, I'm just talking to myself? It helps me process. There aren't people who want to hear my ideas and I've been laughed at enough to know not to chatter around other people, so I talk to me, because while I may judge, I will always offer constructive criticism and if I laugh I'm laughing with myself. So yeah, I chatter at myself and I murmur under my breath and I read well if I'm doing so aloud.

And I hum. I need music. It's less of a thing outside the house, but when home, if I'm not doing something with another person that requires chatter, I need music. I can function without it, but it helps. I know it's mostly so I can filter the chatter and the noise of the house, because tuning into that 24/7 is painful for my poor brain since it never stops. My mom can come down any time of day or night and clatter outside my door in her schoolroom/office, and there's almost always something going on. Tuning into all current emotions, conversations, footsteps and whatnot is frustrating and music offers a break. But it also just....occupies the brain?

The gestures thing hit too. I know I'm supposed to motion and so I motion a lot. I talk a lot with my body, and my sisters have repeatedly pointed out my tendency to "pose". I pose all the time. I'm constantly aware of eyes and while I might not always be sitting pretty or whatever, I know exactly what my pose means at any given time and will adjust accordingly in order to...I don't know.... seem normal? Follow rules? I have no clue why I do it anymore, I just know I do it and I can't remember not doing so. They're not even crazy poses! I'm just good at controlling my body most times?

And then there's the explaining thing that was mentioned. I'm....not very smart. I write and I create but science is a pain to me, and while math can be a fun puzzle to solve, it is also not my strength. I'm also just not good with practical stuff. Politics is confusing, people are confusing, medical whatnot and finance and whatnot are confusing, and whenever anyone talks to me about anything outside of creative pursuits I feel like a blasted idiot and just want to cry because I have so much trouble understanding. And for this reason, whenever I talk about anything at all, I feel the need to over-explain everything because I have no clue how much anyone might or might not understand about what I'm saying, and I want them to understand and not be confused to tears like I get, but I also don't want to treat them like idiots. So I keep finding myself going "does that make sense?" "did you get that?" "did any of that makes sense or...?" and usually it's fine, because it's just a couple sisters who I can chatter to and most of the time they chatter a lot too about similar things, although without the confirmation and whatnot. Although to be fair, I tend to keep track of what people tell me about their interests if I see them a lot because my bully/elder sibling trained me to always be able to snap up whatever crumbs of her interests she'd drop so I could maintain a proper conversation about her interests without frustrating her with having to remind me what character, anime, episode, season and whatnot she was talking about, despite the fact she didn't want me to know too much and so I could never actually see certain things or know certain facts until I was deemed worthy or ready or she just couldn't keep it to herself any longer. I swear I learned to keep seven or more shows straight and regurgitate info on them at the drop of a hat!

But yeah. Things don't make sense and I don't grasp new stuff well unless it's people's personal interests, and I'm never sure my interests or thought processes make sense to others.

Also, apparently some of my characterizations of characters are ND coded? I've had people point out ADHD tendencies in Legend and... that's just stuff I do? Or stuff I feel he would do? Chatting and writing/drawing at the same time? Skipping to new thoughts and then trying not to double back only to realize people want to go back? That's actually never happened but I think I'd be surprised if it did, hence writing Legend as so.

And just..... things make sense? Posts about being ND are relatable? I am confused in a million ways.

I've been told all my life that my siblings were the ND kids. I was the normal one. I have built my whole sense of self off of being normal. I'm average height in a family of yeti's. I'm curvy but not too much so in a family where we go from "starves herself skinny" to "struggling to get back to a healthy weight for safeties sake". I was the brown haired brown eyed (they're green now? they were brown when I was a kid though?) quiet, behaved, responsible kid who watched babies for hours at age ten so other kids could play and parents could work on projects. I was the one counted on to be normal and responsible and not break down and cry. I was the good kid. I was the normal kid. And while I know being good and being neuro-typical are not dependent on each other (heaven knows so many NT people are asses) it's still odd to think....

Growing up, I knew the list:

Dad is autism spectrum

Mom is ADHD, OCD, Type A and has PTSD (and maybe more?)

Eldest sister is autism spectrum

Second elder sibling is ADHD, Bi-polar, ADD, OCD and a lot of other stuff my parents never looked into because they thought it was just a label and didn't realize they could get her help with it

Two siblings after me are both autistic. My brother is traditionally autistic, what most people think of (so says my mom), and my sister is more sensory seeking and with a bit of difficulty with socializing and understanding social cues and whatnot, but she's smart, pretty and funny so people don't even notice (I don't think).

The sister after them was my ally in normalicy, we were the "normal, good kids" as far as anyone was concerned.

The siblings after that are ADHD, have attachment issues (likely abandonment issues too, although that's me speaking and not a diagnosis) and my youngest sister has no much I don't even know half of it! She's got a missing chromosome, poor hearing, cognitive delays, speech delays, and is just generally not the normal seven year old , (which isn't bad; God made her just how she ought to be and we love her).

I love them all. I treasure them all. But in a family of twelve where nearly everyone had some sort of struggle with mental, physical, emotional or educational matters, I was the normal kid who handled stuff well and that was what made me stand out. That's what I relied on to remind myself that there was something different about me that made me worth people's time. I mean, we have to compete! There's only 24 hours in a day, two parents and ten kids, not to mention work, lesson planning and the fact we rarely see them much because they hold up in their room to work.

Being normal was my special. Being dependable was what made me matter. Being able to handle things made my parents smile and praise me and I won't lie, I lived for that because that's all I had going for me.

But then I crashed in senior year, I've floundered since, I stopped mattering because I was dependable because I could hardly depend on myself. I may not even be normal? I may not even be what I though made me matter and while I know there's nothing wrong with being ND and normal is really nothing more than a setting on a washing machine, it's still........confusing? Scary? So, so......something?

Words?!!??!?!?!?!!?

I keep getting kicked in the ass with the clues I might not be all I thought I was, and...yeah.

I'm not trying to devalue anyone, or say there's something wrong with being ND, I just....it's a process? I'm trying to process a potential reality that may have been the real one all along?

I'm wondering if my mom knows and decided to never tell me or admit it because leaving a 14 year old potentially ND kid in charge of seven special needs kids, ages 12 to 0, as well as a small farm, most of the housework and meal prep, and her own schooling is like...messed up? Like, does she realize?

There's stuff I keep hearing that I remember doing as a kid.

I didn't like social play, I liked organizing the toys. I rearranged the church nursery's baby doll beds, clothes and babies. Made sure to arrange everything perfectly, sort by clothing type and size and sort (I was like 11). I didn't "cook" with toy food. I made arrangements and then left them there because I didn't want to break them. I didn't always want adventures in games, I liked systems. I learned to play adventures, but I liked making patterns and arrangements and schedules and following them.

And people? I have not a clue how to address people! I spent a good portion of my first dance in highschool hiding behind the scenery/in the bathroom and sobbing because I felt so out of place and confused and lonely. I struggle to connect, to converse. I can read people to a point but I never know what's wanted of me so I flounder? I broke off my only romantic relationship because (a) I didn't like him like that and (b) I had no clue what he wanted of me because no one was asking/demanding like I'm used to and I couldn't read a bloody thing from him.

Apparently, or so I'm told, that's not a normal kid thing?

I'm just wondering what I missed. What did my parents miss? Do they think this too? Is this something they realize? My mom goes around diagnosing random kids I know with autism and aspergers and any number of behavioral disabilities, but if I'm right, has she been missing one that's been under her nose for 20 years?

.......

Ketto feels oof

[spectrumed]

3. sadness

Don’t be like that. Be like this, or be that other thing. Be unique, but don’t be too unique. Fit in, but try to be a rebel. Be a renegade, but don’t rock the boat. Don’t know what you are supposed to be? What? Do you have imposter syndrome or something? Just be yourself, but, y’know, sand down the edges a little bit. Be friendlier. Be the kind of person everyone likes. Be the life of the party! Don’t be some shut-in, some crazy cat-lady with absolutely zero social life. Don’t be sad. Don’t burden others with your sadness. Work to maximise the total happiness of your community. A smile goes a long way. Can’t smile? You really can’t help but being a sourpuss all the time? Well, I guess maybe that if you can’t help but stay in a perpetual bad mood bringing everyone else down… then maybe you should just stay isolated? Better stay alone, away from others. You’re toxic. You’re just so damned sad. You really must be quarantined.

I am sad, a lot of the time. Are you? But, no, you can’t just admit that you are sad. Don’t be a buzzkill, try to inject a little humour into the things you say. You can admit you’re depressed, if you do so with a joke. Don’t let others know you’re being sincere. Ironic jokes work the best, don’t they? They let you confess your secret gloom to everyone around, but they’ll never know just how serious you’re being. With a wink of the eye, any candid expression of your inner turmoil can become a hilarious post-modern gag. Are they or are they not telling the truth? Oh, I’ll never tell! And it will all work out excellent, up until the day you commit suicide. But every comedian’s time in the limelight has to end at some point, right?

This blog is supposed to be about autism spectrum disorder, why am I suddenly discussing depression? Well, I suppose that it is time we bring to the table this little thing called comorbidity. Psychology is messy. Some would argue that it is barely even a real scientific field (I tend to think that it is the best thing we have, but I acknowledge that in places, psychology is fundamentally flawed.) You may have thought that you’d get just one diagnosis. One simple label that you can work through and overcome. You’re bipolar, now go deal with it! But instead, you find yourself with a whole fistful of diagnoses. What to hear my proud list of diagnoses? Oh, please, don’t think because I am listing them this one certain way, I put them in order of relevancy to me. I love all of my diagnoses equally.

My diagnoses are:

Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD)

Agoraphobia

Possible Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Asperger syndrome (AS)

No, I was never officially diagnosed with depression, but largely because, at the time I received these diagnoses, my depression was so blatant that it felt as if I was walking around with a cloud of miasma surrounding at all times. Imagine me as Pig-Pen from Peanuts, but instead of being covered in dirt, I was covered in the funk of melancholy. And whatever treatment I would eventually go on to receive (and still am receiving to this day,) would go about treating my anxiety first, and hopefully, the depression would give in alongside the anxiety. It has, for the most part, though, I still feel the presence of that black dog from time to time. I also got only a half-hearted potential diagnosis of OCD, but later, during a trial of an antidepressant that had a freakishly negative impact on my psyche, it blossomed into a fully-grown attention-craving condition. Turns out that OCD can be a real hog for the spotlight, really not allowing any of the other diagnoses to take their turn on stage. Thankfully, when I got off that particular antidepressant, those symptoms stopped, but it has led me to be far more aware of my internal obsessive-compulsive thought patterns. For me, OCD largely lacks physical compulsions, but my mind is ablaze with intrusive thoughts, and I will routinely force myself to repeat certain phrases in my head to make them go away. The funny thing is, I never realised that wasn’t normal.

Diagnoses are an attempt to map out a spiders’ web of problems. Things come hand in hand. While I’m no psychologist, I can speak from the perspective of someone who has been through the psychiatric process, which I suppose, lends me a certain kind of expertise, doesn’t it? Maybe it really doesn’t. Maybe I’m just throwing words out there, thinking that I could serve a good purpose, but instead all I am doing is contributing to this great onslaught of digital disinformation we’re all suffering under. But I’m probably just too doubtful of myself. I am speaking about myself, after all. I’ve got first-hand experience in being myself. I know exactly what it feels like to own this skin, these bones, this heart, and this mushy brain of mine. I’m not claiming to know everything. I’m just claiming to know about this one sad individual writing this hoping it might allow someone to reblog my posts with the hashtag “relatable” one day.

Anxiety runs in my family. The neurosis demon gets passed down from generation to generation, only occasionally skipping a beat. My mother and I share many of the same neurotic quirks, though, she has for the most part of her life not had it to quite the excessive degree that I have it. I really took that genetic predisposition for anxiety and ran with it. And while I’m the only person in my family to have gotten diagnosed as being “on the spectrum,” there are a few members that I kinda sort of in a way actually quite seriously suspect might also be here somewhere on the spectrum. Still, as always goes with diagnosing, there’s no point in doing it unless the person is in need of some kind of treatment. I wholeheartedly believe that most people on the planet belong to one spectrum, be it an autism spectrum, a bipolar spectrum, a narcissism spectrum, even a schizophrenic spectrum, but diagnoses should be exclusively reserved for those who need psychiatric care. The world is a spectrum, and it’s worth noting that the terms “sane” and “insane” do not alone capture the complexity of the human psyche. A person can appear perfectly sensible, yet at some point in their life, they may have been a real silly little bugger who thought that their pet hamster was the reincarnation of the Buddha. Just as with physical health, one can struggle with one's mental health for one period in their life, only to later on in life feel utterly and entirely mentally healthy. Or, well, sadly in a lot of cases, people who were perfectly mentally healthy may suddenly become diagnosed with dementia. But that’s really sad, so let’s not talk about that.

Is it all genetic? Well, no. Or well, maybe? In regards to autism, I am pretty sure that, yes, it is genetic. While, yes, I do admit that I’m just a dummy on the internet, so what do I really know? And the brain is such a complex bit of mushy meat, so I could always be proven wrong. Though, I tend towards thinking that there most likely is principally a genetic factor to conditions like autism, or attention deficit disorder (and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder,) or things like bipolar disorder. But with anxiety, quite frankly, I can’t say how much of it is nurture and how much of it is nature. I mentioned that my mother and I share many of the same neurotic quirks, so that would imply that there is something in one's genes that can make some more prone to anxiety than others, but my mother does not struggle with agoraphobia, nor does she seem to have any obsessive-compulsive tendencies. In fact, in my family, even those that exhibit some element of heightened anxiety, they don’t seem to show any milder symptoms of this kind. I can’t help but feel as if these conditions I gained through that tortuous period of every boy’s and girl’s (and boy-girl’s) life is called puberty. I hate to conform to stereotypes but I did indeed hate being a teenager. Believe it or not, I wasn’t a jock, and no, I didn’t go to parties. I mostly spent my time crying.

The question that no doubt plagues every movie psychiatrist to no end is what kind of trauma must a person undergo to make them go mad? Abusive parents? Abusive uncles? Abusive teachers? Abusive dogs? Honestly, to be an adult raising a child must be rough, considering how any mistake you make might suddenly turn your little babe into a future serial killer. Now, there’s no doubt that there are some seriously terrible parents out there, and that a lot of people have mental woes that definitely came about due to their parents and their abysmal lack of parental care. But generally, how much can you actually blame on your parents? We know the cliché, let’s go sit down on the sofa and complain to our Freudian hack-shrink all about those times as a kid our dad missed the big game, or that time our mother embarrassed us in front of all of our friends. I have plenty of things to complain about my parents, like I believe we all have. Our parents are flawed, messy human beings, of course they occasionally made mistakes throughout our upbringings. But is that nearly enough to turn a person mentally ill? Putting up with an at times really embarrassing mom? No, I don’t think so. And of course, there are some real awful parents out there, I’m not doubting that. Trust me, I’m a fan of true crime, so I’ve heard some real grizzly stories of what some kids are forced to grow up with. But I am thinking that those instances are more rare than they are common. Most people with mental illnesses can most likely not blame their parents.

How ‘bout bullies? Yes, them bullies. Them awful mean bullies that made all of our lives so painful. It’s funny, it seems like every school had their own fair share of bullies, and yet no-one as an adult ever comes forward to admit that they themselves were the bullies. It’s almost like as if no-one ever thinks of themselves as being a bully, even when they are throwing rocks at that weird chubby kid with blonde hair who happens to be named Fredrik and who just wants to be left alone. Was I bullied? Well… yes. But I can’t say I got the brunt of it. I got bullied, but overall I’d say I only ever had it slightly worse than most people. I was still quite tall, typically taller than my classmates growing up, and for the most part I could roll with the punches. If you really want to talk about a kid I knew growing up that got bullied, let me tell you about this kid who knew all the right dances for all the right Britney Spears songs. He was gay, I think. Not quite old enough to have come out, I suspect, but, well... He liked all the female pop stars, but not in that way of wanting to kiss them and fondle their boobies, but in the “I want to sound just like them when I grow up” sort of way. I don’t know what happened to him (or them, or her, depending on how they identify now,) but that was real bullying. Like most folks, I found myself stuck in that limbo of seeing others get bullied far worse than me and being too cowardly to intervene, in fears that I’d end up taking their place. Yes, isn’t school just a marvellous place? It’s a wonder any of us turn out okay.

No, I think that, fundamentally, the problems I have arose with myself. This, blaming myself, is not something that I am unused to doing. I have a long history of blaming myself, that’s really the problem. As a teenager I knew that I was different, and I was frightened and scared of being exposed. I didn’t even really know what it was that was different about me, I just knew that I didn’t fit in. I felt as if I didn’t deserve to fit in. The older I got, the more intense these feelings got. And I started taking it out on myself. I started hating myself. And I really mean furiously hating myself. It wasn’t some casual self-loathing, it was searing self-hatred. I did not physically hurt myself, but I did engage with self-harm. I kept repeating the mantras of “I hate myself,” and “I am pathetic,” over and over again, with the ultimate goal of making myself cry. For a period, I couldn’t go to bed without making myself cry first. I began taking days off from school, pretending to be sick. Well, I suppose I was ill, but not physically. I began failing most of my classes, I only ended up doing well in art. I stayed away from school for whole weeks at the time. Once, when I shame-facedly returned to school some of the meaner boys came up to me and said that they were surprised to learn that I was still alive. They were surprised, but also a little disappointed.

This was a time in my life when I really needed psychiatric care. This became increasingly obvious to my parents, and my teachers. I was clearly suffering from depression. Not just some teenaged angst, but full-blown, wholly insidious, depression. But, well, I didn’t get the care that I needed. Oh, I did go to see a psychologist a couple of times, but she saw no reason for me to continue seeing her. I don’t know why she felt as if I wasn’t in need of help, frankly, I can’t fathom why she felt as if I wasn’t in need of help. I suppose I avoided telling her the truth of what went on inside of my head, but I feel like as if any good psychologist would have been able to tell that the kid sitting across from them was clearly suffering from something a tad more intense than just some common concerns about puberty. At most I was able to confess was that I was feeling ashamed over myself for getting so fat, but it should have been clear to anybody that I was only using that as a hook to hang my self-hatred on. There very clearly was some underlying condition that I had that should have gotten addressed. But it went ignored.

At most I can think to explain this is the fact that I wasn’t “problematic.” Not in the way some kids are, when they’re struggling with their mental health. I did not act out, I did not take drugs, and I was certainly not violent. Even to this day, though I have at many times suffered from suicidal ideation, I am a real low-risk for actual suicide considering my intense fear of dying (yes, that’s an odd combo to have.) So, I’ve come to realise that the only way I am getting treatment is if I actually seek out treatment. And back then, I was just as placid as I had previously always been. I was quiet and introverted, just desperate to get back home so I could go and hide in my room. Many teenagers are like that. And it is easy to ignore them, because they want to be ignored. They just don’t want to exist. When you are desperate to be left alone, eventually people will leave you alone. I would go on to receive psychiatric care later on my life, but only after several years passed. I did have a better time living in my later teenage years, but like with a bone that heals wrong, I needed someone to come in and sort me out. I was sad as a teenager, but I would become really sad as a twenty-something. Hopefully my thirties will be jolly.

[monkey-network]

My Issues with Butch Hartman

Call this the sequel to my post on Mr. Enter. But honestly compared to Enter, Butch Hartman has made himself look far worse in so little time. Not only with how he uses his influence, but he basically showed his true colors not long after he left Nickelodeon. With Enter, the worst you can say about him is his opinions on media and his politics. With Hartman, there is a surprisingly lot more under his belt that made the hate towards him .

To preface this, while I’m gonna shit on this dude, I’m not shaming anyone who still likes his past content. With that said, bibbity Boppity boopity. Let’s look at the fucking scoopity.

The Telltale Oaxis

This really takes the cake as the scummiest thing Butch has done. Words and opinions can be one thing, but using your platform to basically trick some people out of their money for a project you abandoned for the most part grinds me gears a lot more. As bad as his marketing strategy was, at least Enter provided effort in his indiegogo project beforehand for god’s sake. Oaxis is one of the most pitiable crowdfunded projects I’ve seen.

It’s nearly two years since Butch got Oaxis funded and what have gotten beyond pure dead silence. Nearly two years and little to no significant updates for Oaxis’s Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, his Youtube, or the site’s official account. No wait, that last part’s kind of a lie. They had monthly updates on the official site up until September 2019. Could’ve posted this on their social medias but you take what you can get. 

The major takeaway from the updates, in all fairness, was that the kickstarter wasn’t enough and they still need to raise more funds for the service. The “capital-building” stage he calls it where he’s looking for more investors in addition to getting actual programs onto the service. That and Oaxis is a big vision for Butch and his wife in spite of not only giving up the monthly updates and basically secluding any mention of Oaxis from any place else. That’s basically it and I legit feel sorry for everyone that couldn’t get their refund back.

This isn’t HBO Max or Disney+ where you just expect them to have something together after their initial announcement because they’re already media conglomerates, this is an independent project. One that people, your fans included Butch, put over 200K thinking you would at least give people something. But beyond a “sizzle reel” that said nothing aside from Oaxis going to be a thing, you have presented jack after two years. I don’t expect the ins and outs of every business meeting with executives, but staying silent about everything except for monthly newsletters that offer very little encouraging progress and hasn’t updated since September of last year is not a good sign. And I’m especially hard on this topic, Butch, because this is the biggest point where it is seriously hard to trust you. It’s not criticizing your ego when after having too many cracks in your story, you really haven’t put your money where your mouth is.

I don’t wanna presume the guy’s given up on it, hoping everybody would forget it after a while, but he’s really put the effort in to make Oaxis feel like a afterthought. I’m not an expert in business, but even I can believe that after his non-apology for not being upfront with his initial intentions, that he’d try to provide updates on the project to not come off as the scam artist people have accused him as. Even with his Youtube channel that I’ll get to later, I don’t think it’s hard consistently posting about your so called vision if you have that much faith in its success. You’ve already gotten thousands of bucks initially with the crowdfund, people deserve more than your pitiful wishful platitudes and I unfortunately can’t believe you’ll have anything after a few years. It’s not that everyone forgot about it, but you mostly took the money and ran. If Butch pops up with something if he sees this somehow, I’ll eat that crow, but I sincerely doubt it after this long. Like at least post something on the Twitter, I get depressed just looking at it; that account is the textbook definition of famine.

The Childhood Reposter

I’ve brought up Butch’s youtube channel a couple times, and it’s when every time I look at it, it’s a little sad. When it comes to major creators, I typically think that after finishing their projects they’d move to newer things. People like Lauren Faust, Mike Judge, CH Greenblatt are all continuing to make new works under differing studios while new creators are getting the spotlight. Butch though? I mean, he has a new cartoon that I swear you’ve never heard about but other than that, the dude looks like he has little to say for himself nowadays beyond the 2 shows he’s famous for, Fairly Odd Parents and Danny Phantom. I would’ve added TUFF Puppy and Bunsen is a Beast but I can see that those two aren’t his major players seeing as how they’re rarely ever mentioned on the channel.

If it’s not some watchmojo level meme video, almost every other video is about either two of those shows in some varied fashion. I get that he “created your childhood” and made credulous bank from Nickelodeon, but it’s like Danny Phantom is all that stands between him and having an audience. That and drawing anime characters in his style which is... y’know, I’ll leave that to you. It’s like he retired and yet goes on about the good old days like a fluctuating ego. He’s still making a cartoon but to him that’s hardly a factor compared to his known successes.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to just be known as the guy who made two of your countless beloved cartoons. Not that that’s all he talks about, but it’s the insistence of his legacy that unfortunately gives me Bojack Horseman vibes. He no doubt has a good thing going but I believe that this isn’t gonna last. Just saying, dude has 850K subscribers and unless it’s a real hook like with the recent Danny Phantom/Jake Long death battle, he’s hardly getting a good fraction of views anymore. There’s only so many times you can milk Danny Phantom as your masterpiece before everyone moves on.

The Holy Boast

I wanna make this short because I’m not a huge talker of religion, but I stand to say that you should NOT, under any circumstance, believe BPD, PTSD, autism, fucking heart & kidney failure can be “cured” or “healed” through sermons of prayer. This here? This is genuinely something else.

https://www.healingjourneys.today/

For clarity, this was a gospel conference hosted by Butch and his wife and yes, they openly proclaim that BPD, austism, and heart disease can be cured through prayer of holy worship.

Now, I’m gonna give a full disclosure right here because this most certainly biases my point here, like I’m gonna own this. But my grandpa was a religious man that suffer from health problems. He notably prayed to carry on, yes, but at the same time he sought medical help. Even he told me that prayers wasn’t gonna keep the pacemaker going, he went to the doctors and actually did more than read the bible to improve himself. He unfortunately passed, but he was in his 70s and I honestly couldn’t believe, as hard as I try, that he was gonna live forever. My grandpa would’ve no doubt died far earlier if he followed this conference’s logic.

My point is that this is personally unsettling. I seriously cannot believe this is how autism and religion works and it blows my mind that him and his wife thought this conference was a suitable idea. I’m not bashing them as christians, but thinking mental disorders and bodily diseases can be done away with motivational seminars because that’s basically what they are is a legit slap to the face. And the seedling idea that they’ve done this before blows my mind.

The Financial Flaker

This is very recent and everything is generally explained in the 12 minute video but long story short: Butch hired an artist and never paid them for their work. The artist in question, Kuro, describes what happened between him and Butch in this video and provides receipts. Can’t really add anything to this myself beyond this just builds to the idea that Butch cannot be trusted as a professional business maker. I believe he still has people working for him but from this video, it tells me that Hartman will gladly use those lower than him in favorable pursuits and will gladly throw ignorance when he wants to because his cartoon veteran status presents that shield from thinking he can do no wrong, which can mean throttling his hires.  Let’s end this.

The Conclusion

When I get down to it, Butch is almost a Machiavellian character in a way. It’s amazing how much the trust people have had with Hartman have evaporated in less than a couple years. It’s amazing how much his ego has truly shown after he stopped being a namestay in Nickelodeon. Haven’t even mentioned the times he arrogantly deflected criticism because he was a namestay at Nick and how a couple who’ve worked with are well aware of his ego. I can’t help but believe that even after everything, he claims ignorance to his fall from grace and keeps going. Even when more and more are knowing his true self, he’s mostly just doing what he’s been doing for the past few years.

It’s respectable in a way, but shows that the world will move on without him. Again, if you like Danny Phantom and Fairly OddParents, I won’t judge you for it nor say you should be ashamed. This isn’t about cancelling Butch, or get him to stop spreading whatever wacky things he believes in. It’s my personal take of how this man whom I once respected because of what he made before has lost every bit of that from me. It really feels like he grew up with that “I Created Your Childhood” mentality being a 4 time showrunner for almost a couple decades. And when he finally left Nickelodeon, I guess the chance to be that stand out self-made success got to his head and he finally showed his true colors. I now find it hard to believe Butch cares about the little guy that were his fans as much as he rides off his success and others who tolerate him. As such, like JK Rowling, more are seeing this side of him and leaving him behind. Meanwhile Butch is gonna chug on until he just loses steam. It’s kinda like Icarus where the guy will make every effort to fly to the sun. But sooner or later, he’s gonna fall, and in the end I doubt anyone’s gonna care to see it. I know he won’t.

[mental-health-advice]

Submission from 🌺

I don’t know about having DID or OSDD. I feel if anything OSDD would be more likely tho due to me still being conscious usually idk. My therapist has noted down “Dissociative Symptoms” for me thus far alongside depression and anxiety. I however dont think I even have bad enough trauma for it? I dont remember most of my childhood. Only things I KNOW caused trauma before I was 7 was my mom yelling a lot, at the time also hitting/spanking me as well as possibly the fact she (1/? 🦚🌺)

washed out my mouth with soap at that age. Like when I said swear words and stuff. I doubt that’s bad enough tho. Things that I can’t remember/ remember fully happening but have been told or know happened was my grandmother apparently spanking me until I cried myself to sleep as an infant, my bullying starting at 6-7yo which carried on into my late teens… and 2 of my best friends being the ones to start it. Also loosing contact with another best friend in kindergarten affected me (2/?🦚🌺)

For s long time after. He wasn’t good at German so he got moved to another kindergarten that would teach him. Tho I don’t think I can consider a friend being ripped from me like that trauma? Idk. There is more traumatic stuff I actually semi recall but that was all when I was over 7 which I think is the latest for a kids brain to develop DID/OSDD. So idk if anything was bad enough and honestly don’t want to self diagnose even tho I’ve been suspicious (3/?🦚🌺)

(reason why I say parts instead of Alters) EitherWayThingsGotWorseAndMyMotherLiterallyThrethenedMeWithMurderAndSaidAllMyFriendsShouldCommitSuicide. Everytime I freeze in my fight/flight/freeze/fawn response and then sometimes fawn happens if I am locked somewhere where they cant reach me. Here only freeze tho. She stood right ahice me who was cowering in a corner and kept saying I literally can’t get up and walk off and then screamed st her to not touch me (4?/? I cant count hhhh 🌺🦚)

She claimed I would just try to sue her if she dared touch me and then mocked me because I cant call people about how she needs to call the police on herself FOR me. I literally haven’t wanted to kill myself that badly as this day in a bit and I honestly am shaking just thinking about it. Like I said ice pretty much almost fully diagnosed depression and anxiety, professionally assumed dissociative symptoms and on top of that not professionally assumed autism tho mom and I assume (5/?🌺🦚)

It for different reasons. She because of how I shut down when a situation is too much and how I cant handle being tasked with multiple things at once/breaking the order of what I’m doing and I due to how I struggle to read human emotions and realizing how to function like a normal person. I can accidentally completely hurt someone and be completely oblivious to it, doing it again and again until told off. And then I accidentally hurt them in another way because I’m scared I’ll do (6/?🌺🦚)

It again. Example: I’m bety clingy due to trauma in my mid teens regarding some friends. I didn’t realize I was being too much until my friend distanced herself causing me to break down in fear of loosing her. She admitted I had been too clingy. I ended up distancing myself - scared of overwhelming her again if I talk to her. It took me 2 whole months to even tell her I love her again. Now she admitted I’ve been a bit too distant which I already was aware of but still (7?/?🌺🦚)

I literally didn’t even dare ask her how she is doing for TWO MONTHS thinking she would leave me if I started clinging again. I hyper fixated on her a lot last year which I realized when she said it was too much. I’m slowly trying to at least check up on her again. I beg her to communicate to me if I fuck up ANYTHING because I literally am blind to it but I feel she thinks she hurts me if she does. What more am I supposed to do than tell her “hey I cant understand normal human (8/?🌺🦚)

interaction so please tell me if I’m being weird!”? Like I said before, I don’t want to self diagnose. It’s just that this plus generally my hyper fixations with people and games/shows is a little suspicious in the long run if that makes sense. My brother also has adhd so it’s not as if its impossible for some other stuff to be in our family, y'know? I’ll see where therapy takes me for now tho. I started rambling again, didn’t I? Sorry about that! (8?/?🦚🌺)

But yeah in short I’ve trauma but most is from after the “requirement” age for DID/OSDD plus I’ve many other mental issues either confirmed or suspected. Who knows maybe my mother is right and I belong locked up in a mental institution from the movies instead of how they actually are. According to her I’m just a disgusting liar who deserves to be suffocated anyways. — Also I’ve honestly kept asking myself if I’m just making up the parts. I used to have imaginary friends as a kid (9/?🦚🌺)

Who my mother forbid me to talk to as I was being “weird”. Maybe it’s just that again? Or maybe I’m not making it up and some of those imaginary friends were parts? Idk. What I know is that one of them literally was more like a mother to me than my own mother. I recently had a dream about them - before the parts returned really - where I called that one imaginary friend “mom” and said I missed her. I cried. I didn’t want to wake up.I struggle to stay on track with this I’m sorry (10/?🦚🌺)

Either way, I apolagize for rambling, being a mess and being all over the place. I honestly just made myself cry again at this rate and yeah… I kinda banned 2 of my browsers from sending aska for an hour rip (final)🦚🌺

Hey there again!

Please don’t feel bad at all for talking so much and every now and again rambling. I am glad that you feel comfortable and safe in speaking with us as it’s so important that you do have someone you can talk to regardless of what you may need/ want to say.

In regards to the trauma that you have endured both as a child and whilst growing up, it’s important that you know that we all handle trauma differently from others and sometimes, even a little bit of trauma that feels like nothing can have lifelong impact on you and who you grow up to be. I also do not think that you belong in a mental health hospital long term either, whether you believe it or not you are doing the very best you can right now and right now that’s enough. Just remember that talking can be so helpful no matter if it’s your therapist you talk to, a counsellor from either a helpline or on web counselling, a close friend or even us! Never feel like you aren’t good enough to be able to talk to another, you’re so important in life and you deserve the very best!

In regards to possible diagnosis’ that you may have, it can be quite hard at times to be properly diagnosed by a professional as some diagnosis’ may have the same or similar symptoms as another and not only this but sometimes a diagnosis can also coexist with another making symptoms that you may be having worse and consequently blurring what diagnosis you may have. Does that make sense?

I’m so sorry that your Mum treats you as she does, you do not deserve this at all. Have you been able to talk to anyone about this as yet?

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please know that you are not alone and that I’m thinking of you!

Take care,

Lauren

[the-desolated-quill]

Quill’s Swill - The Worst Of 2019

Congratulations! You’ve made it through another year! You’ve faced many obstacles and overcome many adversaries to arrive here, at the dawn of a new decade. So as we prepare to leave the 2010s and make our way into the 2020s, lets take a look back at the challenges and hardships of 2019. And by challenges and hardships, I of course mean shitty fiction and media.

Yes, it’s time for yet another edition of Quill’s Swill, where we mark the absolute worst stories that the industry had to offer over the past year and proceed to tear them to shreds. Think of it as like voiding your bowels before the New Year.

As always remember that this is my personal, subjective opinion. If you happen to like any of the things on this list, that’s fine. More power to you. Go make your own list. Also bear in mind I haven’t seen everything 2019 has to offer due to various other commitments. So as much as I really, really want to, I can’t put Avengers Endgame on here. I know what happens. It sounds fucking terrible, but I haven’t seen the film, so it wouldn’t be fair of me to put it on the list, even though it would most definitely deserve it.

...

Seriously, read the synopsis of Endgame on Wikipedia some time. It’s like fanfic written by a nine year old. It’s truly shocking. And now it’s the highest grossing movie of all time? Give me strength.

All In A Row

Don’t you just hate it when you’re expected to parent your autistic child? Like actually show love and care and consideration to your offspring. Look at him, expecting you to treat him like a human being. Selfish bastard! If only there was a play that explored the horrors of having to be a decent person to your own flesh and blood and how objectively awful it is. If you’re one of those people, then the play All In A Row will be right up your street.

Premiering on the 14th February at Southwark Playhouse in London, All In A Row was a total shitshow to say the least. The playwright, Alex Oates, claimed to have ten years of experience working with autistic children, which you wouldn’t have believed if you saw the play as the autistic child at the centre of the play, Lawrence, seemed more like a wild animal than a person. In fact two of the main characters compare him to a dog. And if you thought this wasn’t dehumanising enough, Lawrence isn’t even a child. He’s a puppet. Yes, it’s as bad as it sounds.

All In A Row seems to place all of the blame for the family’s predicament on the autistic child, who’s presented as barely functional, bordering on bestial. There’s no effort to really make an emotional connection with Lawrence (how can you? He’s a puppet!) as the play instead focuses on how this kid has effectively ruined this family’s life because of his autism and aggressive behaviour. Speaking as someone on the autism spectrum, I can say quite confidently that this play is fucking despicable. Badly written, badly conceived, insulting and downright mean spirited. I wouldn’t want Oates looking after my autistic children, that’s for damn sure.

Anthem

EA is back and this time they’re dragging the critical darling that is BioWare down with them.

Anthem was a desperate attempt to jump aboard the ‘live service’ bandwagon, trying to replicate the success of other video games like Overwatch, Destiny and Warframe. They failed spectacularly. The game itself had more bugs than A Bug’s Life, loot drops were often stingy and unrewarding, loading times were farcically long, and the story and worldbuilding was fucking pitiful. Oh yeah, and if you played it on PS4, there was a good chance it could permanently damage it. Thankfully I have a uni friend with an Xbox One and they allowed me to play the game on that. It was a crushing disappointment, especially coming fresh off the heels of Mass Effect Andromeda, which didn’t exactly set the world on fire back in 2017.

It didn’t help that EA’s reputation was in tatters thanks to the lootbox controversy of Star Wars Battlefront II and having to try and win back the trust of fans, but worse still reports began to service of what went on behind the scenes at BioWare during the game’s development. Apparently the game’s story and mechanics kept changing every other day as the creative directors and writers didn’t have the faintest idea what kind of game they wanted to make, and the developers were often forced to work obscenely long work hours in abusive crunch periods to get the game finished for launch. It got so bad that, according to an article on Kotaku, some members of the team had to leave for weeks or even months at a time to recover from ‘stress casualties.’ 

To think this was the same company that gave us Mass Effect, Dragon Age and Knights Of The Old Republic. Thank God that Obsidian Entertainment is there to pick up the slack on the RPG front because I think it’s safe to assume that BioWare won’t be around for much longer at this rate.

The Lion King (2019 remake)

Here we go. Yet another live action remake of a Disney classic. Excpet it’s not live action, is it? Well... it’s live action in the sense that Dinosaur was live action (remember that film? Don’t worry if you don’t. No one does). Real locations but CGI characters. Millions of dollars spent on cutting edge tech to create photo realistic animals... and the film ends up duller than a bowl of porridge that really likes trainspotting.

It’s not just the fact that The Lion King remake is yet another soulless cash grab from the House of Mouse, it’s also the fact that it’s done really badly that upsets me. The Lion King works as an animated film. Bright colourful images, over the top song and dance sequences and vibrant character designs. As a ‘live action’ film, it just looks awkward and stilted. None of the animals are very expressive, leaving it up to the poor voice actors to carry the film, and to cap it all off the CGI isn’t even all that convincing in my opinion. At no point did I look at Simba and go ‘oh yeah, he looks like a real lion.’ It’s so obviously fake. In fact it reminds me of those early 00s movies like Cats & Dogs or Stuart Little where you see the jaws of the talking animals moving up and down like some messed up ventriloquist act or something. And here’s me thinking cinema has evolved past this.

BBC’s The War Of The Worlds

Remember Peter Harness? That guy who wrote that Doctor Who episode about the moon being an egg? Yeah, he’s back and he’s doing an adaptation of H.G. Wells’ War Of The Worlds. And guess what! It’s fucking ghastly! :D

The three part BBC mini-series was without a doubt some of the worst telly I think I’ve ever seen. It’s staggering how clueless Harness is as a writer. For starters he managed to achieve the impossible and somehow made a Martian invasion of Earth boring. I didn’t even think it was possible, but somehow he pulled it off. Then he sucks all tension out of the story by revealing the ultimate fate of the Martians at the beginning of the second episode, so now any threat or danger has been chucked out of the window because we know that the main female protagonist Amy at least would survive. And then finally he takes a massive dump over the source material by having humanity weaponise typhoid to kill the red weed rather than just having the Martians die of the common cold like in the book. Because God forbid us Brits should be presented as anything other than heroic and dignified.

So what we’re left with is a poorly realised allegory with ineffectual horror tropes full of OTT progressive posturing in a pathetic attempt to make Harness and the BBC look more liberal than they actually are. There’s no effort to really explore the themes of imperialism and colonialism outside of casual lip service, and we barely get a glimpse of the dark side of humanity. Everyone is presented as flawed, but basically awesome or, in the case of Rafe Spall’s character, utterly gormless. Our TV license fees help fund this shit, you know?!

And if you think this was bad, just wait till New Year’s Day where we’ll get to see Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss’ butcher Dracula. Can we stop giving these beloved literary icons to these hacks please?

Glass

I liked Split. It wasn’t an amazing movie, but it was entertaining with some good ideas, a great performance from James McAvoy and was a true return to form for M Night Shyamalan. That being said, I wasn’t keen on the idea of it taking place in the same universe as Unbreakable. I feared it would be a step too far and we’d end up having something like... well, something like Glass.

On paper, Glass isn’t a bad idea. The idea of superpowers being a delusion is legitimately intriguing and could have been a great post-modern deconstruction of the superhero genre. Except Shyamalan never actually does anything with it. The first act drags on and on with absolutely nothing happening, none of the characters really grow or change over the course of the film, Bruce Willis in particular is basically only here for an extended cameo as his character does pretty much nothing for the majority of the film, and then the entire film is undermined by that stupid Shyamalan twist. Turns out superhumans are real and there’s a big cover up. Oh great! So not only does it render the entire film pointless, it also undoes what made Unbreakable and Split so good. They’re no longer people capable of extraordinary feats via rational means. They’re just superhuman. They can do anything. Sigh.

Shyamalan... maybe it’s time to give up the director’s chair, yeah?

Cats

Oh come on! Don’t act surprised! Did you honestly think I wouldn’t put Cats on this list?!

Cats, without a doubt, is the worst film of the decade and, yes, the CGI is terrible. Not only are there these sub-human cat mutants running around, we also have mice and cockroaches with child faces, James Corden coughing up furballs, Taylor Swift trying to give the furries in the audience boners, Idris Elba looking disturbingly underdressed and Rebel Wilson being... well... Rebel Wilson. It’s a disaster of a film. And really, should we even be surprised? We all knew this was going to suck. And no it’s not because of the CGI. I thought the CGI in Pokemon: Detective Pikachu was creepy as well, but at least it had a decent script and good performances to back it up. No the reason why Cats sucked is because... it’s Cats. It’s always been that bad. No amount of ‘advanced fur technology’ was going to change that. It was still going to be a confused, plotless mess with one dimensional characters and bad songs.

The only consolation I had was that I didn’t waste money buying a ticket. A friend of mine snuck me into the premiere and we watched it in the projector room. The plan was to make fun of it and have a laugh, but we didn’t even do that because honestly there’s nothing to really make fun. There’s only so many times you can take the piss out of the CGI and honestly the film was just boring more than anything else. It doesn’t even have the distinction of being so bad it’s good like Sharknado or Tommy Wiseau’s The Room. It’s just bad, period.

I just hope we don’t see something similar happen to Starlight Express. Just think. Anthropomorphic, singing trains on roller skates. Shudder.

Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker

Finally we have yet another cynical cash grab from Disney.

I confess I didn’t exactly go into The Rise Of Skywalker with an open mind. I was never all that keen on a sequel trilogy in the first place, and neither The Force Awakens nor The Last Jedi ever convinced me otherwise. Admittedly they weren’t bad movies. Just derivative and painfully uninspired, and I was expecting more of the same for Episode IX. What I got instead was quite possibly the worst Star Wars film since Attack Of The Clones. Yes, it’s that bad.

This film is very poorly made, filled with plot contrivances and logic holes galore. I lost count of the number of times the protagonists got into a dangerous situation because of Rey constantly wandering off like a confused toddler lost in a shopping mall. Oh and we finally find out who her parents were and it was quite a twist, but only because it was really stupid. Of course we didn’t see it coming because nobody would have guessed it would be something that moronic. I feel JJ Abrams’ stupid ‘mystery box’ philosophy is to blame for this. It’s derailed countless franchises before such as Lost and Cloverfield, and now Abrams has fucked up Star Wars because he’s obsessed with mystery for the sake of mystery and Disney are so lazy that they couldn’t be bothered to plan an actual trilogy out properly beforehand. Instead they just wing it, making it up as they go along, which led to Rian Johnson ‘subverting our expectations’ and left Abrams desperately trying to pick up the pieces. 

In fact a lot of The Rise Of Skywalker seemed designed specifically to appease people of both sides of the wide chasm The Last Jedi had created. The roles of characters of colour like Finn and Rose were significantly reduced, Poe and Finn don’t end up together because of homophobia, but we do see two women kiss in the background of one two second shot that could easily be cut out when they release the film in China, Kylo Ren gets his stupid redemption even though he hasn’t fucking earned it, Lando Calrissian shows up for no fucking reason, Rey is given ‘flaws’ relating to her parentage in order to combat those accusing her of being a Mary Sue, but they’re the boring kind of flaws that don’t have any real impact on her character, and that ghastly ship Reylo is made canon even though it makes no sodding sense in the context of this movie, let alone the whole trilogy. They even go to the trouble of baiting us with a FinnRey romance before pulling the rug out from under us. Then, just to add insult to injury, the film retroactively ends up making the entire original trilogy completely pointless. All because Disney wanted more dollars to put in their Scrooge McDuck money bin.

The Rise Of Skywalker, and indeed the entire sequel trilogy, should serve as a cautionary tale against the dangers of hype and nostalgia. The reason The Force Awakens was successful wasn’t because it was a good movie (because lets be brutally honest here, it really fucking wasn’t). It was because it gave gullible Star Wars fans warm fuzzies because it reminded them of A New Hope whilst tempting them with the vague promise that things might get more interesting later on. And when that didn’t materialise, quelle surprise, the fanbase didn’t take it very well. I would love to think that this will serve as an important lesson for the future when people go and see Disney movies, but who am I kidding? I guarantee at some point we’re going to get Episodes X, XI and XII and we’ll have to go through this sorry process all over again.

So there we have it. The worst of 2019. May they rot forever in Satan’s rectum or wherever it is stories go to die. Tomorrow we’ll take a look at the other end of the spectrum. Yes it’s the Quill Seal Of Approval Awards! The best of the best! Who shall win? The suspense is killing me! Ooooh, I can’t wait! You’ll be there tomorrow, won’t you? Of course you will. How could you not?

[gilmesc1]

It's time...

Here we go. More points on the fish blog. Part two. Insert more words here. Ok, so pretty sure I have read their entire blog and was quite disappointed in the lack of fish themed content.

God fucking Dammit Gil you're supposed to be respectful rn.

Anywho, I also took a look at other people who both agreed and disagreed with the angry fish. @vide0-killed-the-radi0-star seems to be one of the most current anti angry fish advocates and since I agree with a lot of their points just gonna tag them, cover all the bases because tumblr.

First point: the fish has their moments. They actually do have some useful facts about surviving abusive parents. So we're not dealing with a fucking idiot, give them credit where credit is due. However I say some points for a reason. Our lovely fish seems to be very hit or miss with their posts. Secondly as mentioned in the first post they umbrella term the shit out of everything.

Gonna use an analogy (I think this is an analogy): Autism has a spectrum, as does npd. Not every trick works for all of us and sometimes making the wrong move actually increases our power. Example A, their post about making their abusive parents back off by insulting them back. This is a risky move people. I and many other sacks of horseshit (aka people with npd) absolutely LOVE it when our victims fight back. It makes it fun. And if you insult us we then can use and exploit your attack to our advantage, as we can also then retaliate because you started it. Some of us are itching for fights. It could be voluntary or involuntary, as people with npd have triggers as well. So start a fight with a wrong one and you could have screwed your self We are very very meticulous. Not to be a narcissist or anything (god arent i hilarious) but we're smart. We don't just insult. We choose insults carefully. We study our victims and analyze them. So yes the fish has good stuff BUT be careful. All people are unpredictable and you don't want to rush into shit unprepared.

And now my next point for this post. This is all speculation on my part so bear with me. I analyze people always and after getting faced with a whole blog heres what I got: Our dear fish is obviously a victim. An angry one, dare I say furious? Fish is a damaged person. A mix of emotional scars and festering emotional wounds. I will say they are very tough. They are fighting for their right to live safely. That is respectable. However fish has a big target on their back with some neon letters screaming COME PICK ON ME. Many other narcissists like myself also state that they have an eye for people who make great victims. Fish is one of them. Despite the talk about fighting back they are still vulnerable. Honestly they are one of my favorite types of people to play with (shit person remember) The ones that fight back for some are exciting. It's a toy with batteries and pretty lights. This isn't all that makes fish a damn magnet for people.

They are very forward with their claims and views and while some are correct some are so hysterically wrong they look ridiculous to even the most neurotypical of people. They need to read back and look at some of the things they've written. However I doubt they can. They're like never going to change their mind so no one should waste their time trying to change it. Brick wall. Finally theyve left themself wiiiiiide open. I mean honestly. Stating some of the things they do is just screaming COME AND GET ME which they have received obvious backlash for. (Asks are completely off) They technically "attacked" first meaning I could go up and cry my little eyes out saying they hurt me soooo much and I'm sure a lot of you would back me up. Side note: I have the emotional range of a hurricane meaning that some days I'm numb af and others I cry over dumb shit. Just because I'm finding this whole thing funny doesn't mean others do. I'll write more in the next post I make cuz this is long. I am trying to be polite but yikessss. Sorry fish.

[cllynchauthor]

That post you made was a mess, just fyi. 1) I went through the thread you linked, and I found the authors reasonable and respectable. The playwriter's worked with people with disabilities for 10 years, and it's clear he cares about the issue. 2) The fact Lawrence is a puppy isn't automatically pejorative. That's how art works. I haven't seen the play, but it's probably a metaphor for the teen's lack of agency or something like that. Also writing something a certain way doesn't mean you -

“- approve of it. Have you even seen the play? 3) Please stop pretending anyone represents the autistic community and that you guys speak with one voice. It’s seriously dehumanizing to think a large and diverse group of people shares the same views. In that view there is an autistic man who loved the play - I guess his voice doesn’t count because he disagrees with you?”

--

I love this anon message because it contains pretty much every argument that people are using against the autistic folk protesting this play. 

Like, I’ve been watching #puppetgate unfold since day one, read the reviews, read the responses from @allinarowplay. You think I haven’t heard these points before?

I’ve read them so many times now in tweets and reviews that your message just looks like one of those ransom notes that are made from cut and pasted words out of the newspaper.

But since Tumblr is new to #puppetgate, SURE, let’s address them! 

First of all, my #puppetgate summary was a truthful, if flippant, tl;dr of the past two weeks’ worth of Twitter drama. 

I apologize if my brief humorous take on a complex and nuanced debate didn’t meet the standards of a random stranger on the internet. 

Let’s discuss it in more serious detail.

1) You can care about an issue and still handle it really poorly. No one doubts this playwright’s intentions. But, as you say, he was a CARER for 10 years. That doesn’t mean he understands how it feels to be autistic and in fact, ableism is built right into ABA and other therapies used by carers. 

So yeah, he cares. And he still made an ableist play.

Also, the thread you mention was BELOW the video I linked to wherein the puppet designer says, and I quote:

“Laurence is non-verbal, and the power that puppets have is that they explore movement and with a turn of their head or a small movement they give life and character that you wouldn’t achieve with a human actor.”

Which is why I snidely summarized their position as 

“ This puppet is going to be SO MUCH more like an autistic child than a human could ever be!”

https://twitter.com/allinarowplay/status/1092410318960148481

Also, there is a brief shot of their script in that video at 2:19 and if you pause it and look at it you can see that the parents are joking about how their kid is like a puppy.

“Shits wherever he wants” is clearly visible.

This is the stuff the positive reviews consider funny, honest, and brave.

According to reviews, the child is present in the background throughout most of the play. Which means they talk like this IN FRONT OF HIM and this is never brought up as an issue/problem. 

In fact, non-autistic reviewers don’t even seem bothered by it, probably because they share the common misperception that non-verbal high needs autistic people don’t understand what is going on around them. So…. yeah. I don’t care how well meaning the playwright was. 

The playwright consulted the National Autistic Society and they told him they couldn’t support the play “due to its portrayal of autism, particularly the use of a puppet to depict the autistic character alone.”

But he didn’t change his mind about the puppet.

https://www.msn.com/en-gb/news/uknews/critics-say-new-play-that-uses-a-puppet-to-portray-an-autistic-boy-dehumanises-those-with-the-condition/ar-BBTk5kC

So again - sure, maybe he cares. But he also wasn’t willing to change his vision despite the warnings of the Autism organization that he was hoping would endorse his play. 

2) Of course a puppet isn’t inherently pejorative. For one thing, the autistic community is very positive about Julia, the autistic muppet on Sesame Street.

The outrage involves a lot more nuance than that. First of all, it’s the choice to make the puppet grey and ugly. This was obviously an artistic decision. The first version of the puppet has black hair too and no eyes, just dark sockets like a skull. 

Not exactly Julia.  

And even with that, I was on the fence and willing to wait for the reviews to come out before I made a judgement. 

Like you, I thought perhaps it would be made clear in the play that his puppet-ness and greyness represented lack of agency. And maybe the designer was thinking that way. 

But if that is the case, it does not come across. 

In fact, the reviewers who enjoyed the play repeatedly dismiss the controversy by saying that the play “isn’t really about Laurence.” 

https://www.timeout.com/london/theatre/all-in-a-row-review

“The production is also about the situation, rather than about Laurence himself.“

https://www.thereviewshub.com/all-in-a-row-southwark-playhouse-london/

“sadly the grey-faced puppet adds nothing to the production that a living actor – adult or child – could not have provided.”

I’ve read a LOT of reviews of this play by now. 

Reviews from mothers of autistic children who feel a kinship with the stressed, unhappy, dysfunctional parents. 

Reviews from people without a connection to autism who feel like they learned something. 

Reviews from autistic people and disabled allies who cringe at the ableism. 

None of them - NONE of them - allude to any kind of symbolism or thematic point running through the play which justifies or explains the puppet or its weird appearance.

And the reasons for the puppet given by the playwright, director, and playhouse make very little sense. 

In that promotional video I linked to they say that the puppet can communicate better than an actor could. I disagree. So does a non-verbal autistic mime who commented in the thread below. 

They also say that it allows them to avoid being offensive or stereotypical, which makes little sense because they still had a grown man grunting and flapping on stage, just with a puppet sprouting from his waist. 

They repeatedly argued that they couldn’t use an autistic child, as if acting wasn’t even a thing. They repeatedly argued that a human actor couldn’t do the sounds and movements, even though a human puppeteer was doing just that.

My favourite one was the review (linked above) that argued that “Laurence isn’t a character a person could play (neurotypical or not) as his autism is so particular and at times violent.”

...Has this guy never seen Titus Andronicus? 

A person can play ANYTHING.

On Broadway I have seen human actors play cats, lions, baboons, and witches. 

On multiple occasions a fine-boned actress has been used to play Peter Pan. I’m pretty sure you could cast a small actor to play a pre-teen boy. Then the play wouldn’t have attracted so much negative attention.

As for “writing something a certain way doesn’t mean you approve of it.”

True. 

My fans can tell you that my main character spouts a fair amount of ableism. They’ll also tell you that this flaw is addressed openly and resolved as part of her character arc. 

They’ll ALSO also tell you that the “villains” of my story embrace ableist ideals. So yes, I wrote ableist stuff. But you can tell by the waythese things are framed how the writer wants you to feel about them.

No, I haven’t seen the play because I don’t live in the same country as it and it would take 12 hours to fly there. But I read what people write about it and I draw my own conclusions.

And the fact that ableist jokes are punchlines does not endear me to the playwright or the puppet. 

You say you haven’t read the play, and from the sounds of it you haven’t read many reviews either. 

If you think it’s wrong for me to criticize it after watching all of this unfold over days and days, and reading a dozen reviews by people who loved it and people who hated it, then how is it right for you to defend it?

3) Aw, look at that straw man lying on its side! You did a good job there.

Nowhere in my puppetgate summary do I claim that 100% of autistic people feel the same way.

I was summarizing what has been going down on Twitter over the past two weeks. I know because I was there. Don’t believe me? Actually spendsome time on the puppetgate hashtag and the actuallyautistic hashtag and see what people are saying.

And of course less than 100% of #actuallyautistic people feel the same, but I want to point out that at the time of this writing, my #puppetgate summary post has nearly 11K notes, all of them expressing disgust at the idea of this play.

Autistic people are disgusted. Autism allies are disgusted. Even people with no connection to autism can often see why this is effed up.

Yours was the only message I have received trying to defend the idea of a play featuring a messed up family arguing, discussing bukkake, calling their child a “puppy” using language which results in the play being rated as 16 plus... all in front of their eleven year old…

But what really bothers me is that somehow people come out of there identifying with the parents and thinking that it is “brave” and “honest.” 

They blame autism for what it has done to this family.

THE DAD SHAT ON HIS WIFE’S PILLOW AND BLAMED IT ON HIS OWN SON.

And the really sad thing is that your lonely messages in my inbox didn’t contain a single unique thought. I’ve been seeing those tired excuses and straw man arguments all over twitter for weeks.

They don’t stand up.

I’ve performed in theatre. I was willing to withhold judgement until more details about the play emerged. 

I was hoping they would say something brilliant and profound about what life is like for an eleven year old child with autism who is being sent away because his messed up family can’t stand it any more.

But facts are facts… they didn’t.

All they are doing is telling audience after audience that it is funny to insult your autistic child in his very presence and that autism wrecks marriages.

You can understand why a LOT of autistic people would be a bit sensitive about that kind of message.

It doesn’t have to be everyone. 

[finderskeepersff]

13.

Picking up Bryce and placing him on the bed “wait there, we will be going back soon” I am so tired, I have been rushing around helping Sofia move her things, we had to get a removals van. She has too much shit, she even had to go back to her home because she wanted her bed covers, like why. But all was good, her mom was not home so she just took them. My parents are back and so is Celine asking for Bryce but obviously he is here with me as I try to somewhat help Sofia with putting things away “C!” Bryce shouted, turning around “yes?” he pointed at the table behind me, turning around “you want a twizzler?” he done already had one, reaching for the packet “last one, and actually I am glad. You reminded me that I need to take this table out of the room before Sofia kills me” holding out the Twizzler “what you say? You say thank you boy” he took it from me, he didn’t react to it but what does he know “look at you teaching him manners” placing the packet in my back pocket “yeah, I try. But I was just getting the table out of the room for you” I lied, I totally forgot “it’s ok, when are you exactly going to bring your things?” I paused “erm, I will just need to go back because Celine is waiting for him. I mean most of the things are done, the couches are coming soon so you going to be ok with that? The guys will help you” climbing over the table “I will be fine Cassius, you go. Leave the table, thank you. You have done most of the work because I have been busy with work and you did it all thank you” I sighed out “it’s ok, as long as you’re happy so am I” Sofia smiled behind me “I am going to miss him, I won’t lie. Even though he doesn’t speak, he shows so much love. I have enjoyed seeing you be a man, show him love and feelings. I will miss him” looking behind me, Bryce sat in the same spot just eating the Twizzler “I will miss him too, I am sure after two days he will be back. Celine doesn’t know how to look after a child” feeling a kiss to my cheek “I am just so happy, we actually moving together and that is amazing” I grinned turning my face to Sofia “it is, it’s scary too because then you going to keep an eye on me” I chuckled, Sofia squinted her eyes at me “you damn right, remember we have the games night at Ivy’ and you are coming” I scoffed “but we have just moved here, I mean why? Y’all never stop” Sofia giggled “because that’s what friends do, it’s fun and you are coming” I guess I have no choice “come on Bryce, let’s get your shoes on. Time to go home baby” Sofia is so sweet to him.

Pulling up outside the crib, Celine’ car is still here so she has been waiting for him “you ready to go and see mother of the year” unbuckling the belt, I assumed he was awake but clearly not. He always falls asleep with car journeys, grabbing my phone from the side panel and then turned the car engine off. My phone screen lit up, seeing my lock screen picture and my smile grew. It’s a picture Sofia took of us and Bryce, I actually love it. I am so happy I got to know Bryce, instead of ignoring him like I did. He only wants some love, getting out of the car and closing the door. First of all my mother does not even know I am moving, I may just take overnight bag and have some clothes in there for a few days before I can then break it to her. I know she will be sad, she likes to have us close by. Dragging open the passenger side car door, crouching down “Bryce! Hey there little guy, wake up” touching his face. His eyes lazily opening up and then he smiled “you waking up for uncle” his little arms stretched out “aye! There you go” picking him out of the car, placing him over my shoulder. His head instantly rested onto my shoulder and his tiny arm held me, my heart warmed. I have grown close to him, kicking the door close. Feeling him lift his head up “are you awake now?” placing him down on the ground “you can show mommy new glasses and shoes” holding his hand, she is a bitch and I can’t stand her.

Pushing open the door “you going to run in?” I said but Bryce didn’t let my hand go, closing the door behind me. Josiah walked out with a drink in hand sighing out “she is driving us crazy. Saying that you kidnapped him and I set her straight, I was like you dumped your child on us and that shut her up” shaking my head as I walked into the living room “my grandbaby!” my mother spat, Celine the dramatic little bitch she got up and ran towards us “what have you done to him!?” letting his hand go “to him? More like what have you done to him” I swear I could cuss this bitch out, she crouched down “why have you got glasses on him?” rolling my eyes “because he needed them, he has never been so happy to see. You dumb little bitch, he was forever scared. I took him because you was too busy getting dicked in Miami” Celine got up from her position and then pushed at my chest “oh you angry now? You can’t even take care of him” my mom grabbed her arm “you do not touch my son!” hearing Bryce cry “you are a bastard Cassius, now you want to play uncle? Didn’t want to claim him first did you” I sniggered “claim a child that is not mine? Are you dumb? Celine, we coming for you. You can’t look after him, you think it is normal he doesn’t speak!?” Celine turned on her heels “he is my son!” she screamed out, she can’t even hug him and he is crying “that you can’t even look after” she grabbed his hand but my mother grabbed Celine “I will beat you so hard, you will let me soothe him!” my mother shouted at her, I am glad my mother did that.

My dad waved me over, Celine hates us but my mother is feeding Bryce “yes?” walking over to my dad “what happened while we was in Idaho?” walking outside with him “I spent time with him dad, that is it. Friends came over, Bryce was forever struggling and getting scared. He worked on voices and he knew Josiah and I but when he heard other people speaking and he didn’t hear us, I was shouting him and he couldn’t see me to come to me and then I waved. It’s not normal, he got glasses now but I think he got Autism or something, he needs help. You and mom need to get him out of that situation, I am serious with this” My dad nodded his head “if you don’t then I will” my dad looked over at me in shock “I will, he needs a loving home. You both have never been in that apartment of hers, I have. I ain’t saying this for Jordan but for him” my dad placed his hand on my shoulder “I will speak to your mother, this is concerning. We had our doubts but we will, but quietly. Don’t speak on it with Celine here, she is not nice” my dad got a point.

I will miss Bryce so much, I have taken this little man everywhere with me recently “come here” waving him over, he ran to me. Catching him and placing him on my lap “you going home now, you going to miss C? I know you loved me and Josiah, we fed you McDonald’s all week” my mother gasped “I hope the hell not!” my mother spat “I’m playing, we fed you right, but I am going to miss you shouting C in the morning” placing my hand up for him to high five, he proceeded to high five me “I got you” hugging him “anyways, let’s go. Come on Bryce” Celine said, my mother got up “come on baby” she picked him up “bye” waving at him, he waved back at me and I feel so sad. Like he’s been part of my day which is weird, its been a week but it felt longer “I am going to miss him” Josiah said “same, I hope he’s ok with that bitch” Celine deserves shit.

I am so in love right now, I cannot believe I have an apartment, never did I think I would be with my boyfriend either in this place. The place is pretty much done up, only things we got new was the bed, couch and then we bought a TV. I say we like I paid for anything but I feel so bad, so I paid for the grocery food shop and the utensils I needed. I finished off the place and now I am just waiting on Cassius to come home, he will take his time with whatever he is up too right now. I can’t blame him though, it does take a few hours to get there and come back. I am not about to get too dressed just because it’s only Ivy’ place, have a few drinks and play some games. I am just so tired right now but I am determined to go, I promised I would go but now I am just waiting for him. I have never been so content in life with what I feel right now, hearing the door close, that does mean he could be back “it’s me” hearing Cassius say, he placed a duffle bag on the kitchen counter “what is that?” I asked as I got up “some of my things” pulling a face “what do you mean? Some of my things? Are you not moving in with me?” he grabbed the duffle bag “clearly I am here” he walked off towards the bedroom, he is moody.

Cassius and I are not speaking, we are just quiet. I am so annoyed. He comes with a overnight bag, is he not staying with me. What is even doing right now, the car ride is quiet but I wish to not speak to him when he just walks in with a bag, a bag with some clothes that won’t be enough “so you tell me now” I couldn’t help myself “you tell me now, are you not moving with me? You are just letting me stay there on my own? Is that what it is Cassius? Tell me that now, you just going to keep me there and go back to Brooklyn?” I want to know “why do you just jump? You make up shit in your mind, no! I ain’t staying in Brooklyn, I couldn’t be bothered to explain to my mother about it all. I am staying with you” crossing my arms across my chest “knowing my luck you will just be out every night” catching Cassius shaking his head “your point is? At times I will be out. Just relax, women just stress too much” rolling my eyes, he think I will be ok with him having just a simple duffle bag with shit, men are annoying.

Closing the car door “don’t take it out on the car, wow” mean mugging Cassius as I turned around “excuse me?” I said all offended “you banged the door shut” watching him walk around the car as I looked on all offended “not like it’s the new car, oh I forgot. That was to clean your money” walking off “aww shiit, bub is being petty” waving him off as I walked towards Ivy’ house “look at this nice house” changing the subject “mhmmm, I don’t get why you so upset about a bag when I am going to be with you. It’s not the deep Sofia, just relax” knocking on Ivy’ door “not that deep? Ok Cassius, we shall see” facing the door, I wish she would open up “I still love you” the door opened “welcome, welcome!” Ivy spat, Cassius makes me feel bad. He’s so calm about me even talking back to him “hey bitch, I know we late. That is his fault” walking into the house “Steven Spielberg? He’s the guy with Cerebral Palsy right?” everyone screamed out laughing at Olivia “you mean Steven Hawking?” Kenton said through his laughter “Oh fuck y’all, Sofia! You finally are here” I wish I was here for the conversation because it seemed so funny, everyone is in fits of laughter “what did you do?” I asked but clearly Olivia don’t want to speak on it.

Sipping the wine, watching Cassius intently. He is ever so loud and slightly drunk already, I don’t know how that happened so quickly when he is my ride home. He looks so happy laughing with the boys “Ivy, I am shocked you allowed Cassius to smoke weed?” I thought she wouldn’t allow such a thing “oh that doesn’t bother me at all, I like having it myself at times” Ivy got up from the couch “move the table! We're gonna play Twister!” Ivy shouted “who’s going up first?” Mia asked “not me, I’ll pass. I hate the game” my body isn’t made for that type of shit “I’ll go” Cassius put his hand up “we ain’t in school nigga” I said “it’s called manners, something you lack” he retorted, he is not that drunk as I thought then “sassy!” I spat, he is being feisty.

I decided to join but soon regretted my choice when I found myself on my back, my legs half twisted, one arm all but wrapped around Cassius back and with no really safe place to look “and we officially have Cassius and Sofia in a sex position, ding ding” hearing Kenton say, stifling out a giggle. Our bodies became flush together “you stink” I mumbled “do I though?” he retorted “yes” he was going to kiss my lips but I moved my head back “you going to regret that” moving my head smiling, Cassius kicked my legs which caused me to fall “Cheat! He cheated” Sofia shouted “we didn’t see it, Cassius won” my mouth hung open “he kicked me though!?” I hate them all, jumping onto Cassius as he fell a top of the mat. Cassius just laughed aloud knowing he cheated “I could have won that” lowering my head and nipping his ear with my teeth “you mad!” he spat laughing.

Cassius pressed a kiss to my lips “you still mad about the duffle bag?” I scoffed “you damn right!” waving him off “will be back, hopefully you are over it by that time” Cassius walked off, he thinks I will “why you mad hoe!?” Mia asked “because he said and I quote, he is moving in with me. He went back home and he came back with a damn duffle bag, like what happened to moving in? The fuck” Olivia yawned “you whine too much Sofia, this nigga just paid for rent. Leave him be, just be happy and get some dick! You ain’t been fucked, that is why you all uptight. I was thinking. Since y’all moved to New Jersey. No need to go Atlanta” Olivia got a point “I think Cassius wants too, I don’t know. See how it goes but I do need to get some dick, maybe that is why I am uptight but it just annoyed me” Mia cackled “you upset about the wrong things sis, you need to be more upset why you ain’t at home getting good dick. Stop the plan B too, you don’t need to work he got you” these girls are crazy “Sofia!” LLoyd shouted at me as he walked in “Cassius is trying to drive, he over the limit even though he ain’t that drunk” I shot up “he got a phone call and he went crazy” running by LLoyd “Cassius, you can’t drive. Tell me where you want to go bro!” Kenton dragged him back “Cassius, hey. Move” Moving Kenton “Cassius, what is wrong?” Cassius pushed by us opening the car door “Hey!” I shouted him “what is wrong? You can’t drive” standing in front of the door so he can’t close it “what is it? Speak to me, I am not letting you go” I don’t understand “speak to me!” I shouted at him “it’s Bryce! I got to go!” he shouted, my face dropped hearing the panic in his voice.

[pimientos-especiales]

So I was on this website trying to print out a bread recipe, and this article caught my attention

SAY NO TO NUTELLA, IT IS POISONING YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN

I’m like, oh boy, this oughtta be good. IT DOES NOT DISAPPOINT. 

In order to protect our kids from the harmful GMO foods, we all must stand and say one large and loud NO. These foods are even advertised as healthy ones.

Yeah the literal decades that GMOs have been around with absolutely no evidence of harmful side effects are like... whatever. And yeah bitch, corn IS healthy, GMO or not (fun fact, all corn is technically genetically modified. We’ve modified it so much over the millennia that the kind we eat can’t grow on its own anymore. Also it used to look more like a pretzel stick before all our genetic modifications. 

Image source: http://thescientistgardener.blogspot.com/2010/04/how-teosinte-lost-its-shell.html

People are convinced by the intensive advertising that Nutella is healthy for our kids, but the bitter truth is that it cannot be even listed in the group of healthy foods. 

All right. I mean it’s a nut spread, so yeah, it’s not on my list of most healthy foods. 

In fact, all the ingredients contained in Nutella aren’t harmful or GMOs, but the product will be harmful with only one bad ingredient. 

[citation needed]

You should know that there are four harmful substances included in Nutella.

The Dangers of Nutella:

Oh boy here we go! 

Soy

The Asian people will disagree with this statement because the soy is part of their diet for centuries. Actually, they consume small amounts of naturally grown soybeans, opposite of the western civilizations today that eat artificial soy in pretty big quantities. 

Fun fact: Literally nothing in this article has any sort of source backing up any of these claims. 

Now I know, from using my eyes, that in the U.S. we do in fact have actual soybeans on the market. I’ve eaten them many times. What is artificial soy? They don’t say. 

Nutella contains soy lecithin which is dangerous for the human’s health. 

Was this written by a robot? “The human’s health” who talks like that? 

Soy lecithin is apparently produced from soybean oil, so... not artificial. It’s literally produced by actual soybeans. It takes some science to get it out, but it’s a byproduct of soybeans, and not like... fake soybeans. Also the first result in my search bar says soy lecithin is widely used even in health food stores. It’s a pretty neat article, it lays out the pros and cons of soy lecithin, pointing out there’s more benefits than risks. Also it’s full of sources to external websites! https://draxe.com/what-is-soy-lecithin/

It is connected with thyroid depression, uncontrolled weight gain, late menstruation, fatigue, premature entry into puberty and breast cancer.

Late menstruation AND early puberty, at the same time? Also as a woman, I wouldn’t complain about starting my period later than it did. Actually, don’t we have a problem in this country with girls starting puberty a little too early? Like, when they’re younger than 10? From the hormones they were putting in cow milk? This website, written by an author about a book someone else wrote, talks about the declining age for the start of menstruation and puberty: http://www.cwhn.ca/en/node/39365

(see, it’s not that hard to get sources, even when you’re cherry-picking to back up your own opinion)

Also that article I linked to earlier (the draxe) one says soy lecithin may PREVENT cancer, lower cholesterol, relieves menopause symptoms, and help deal with stress. So basically the article that has sources is saying the opposite of the one without sources. HM. 

I’ll give them the thyroid thing, the thyroid is dumb and sensitive as shit, it probably does wig out over soy lecithin. 

Sugar

Nutella contains derived from GMO sugar beef 

what

which is inexpensive and filled with pesticides and altered sugar that our body cannot recognize. 

Okay there’s no such thing as “sugar beef”. What are you talking about?? Okay according to Nutella, they have BEET SUGAR, which is different from sugar beef (which sounds like a weird nickname you’d give your hung husband). Pretty much every food has pesticides on it. That’s why GMOs are so popular, they breed stuff into them so they’ll naturally repel bugs and won’t be covered in pesticides! Oh, oops. And golly, the Nutella website says their beet sugar/sugar cane is non-GMO. Talk about a coincidence!

And aren’t beets a root vegetable? How much pesticides would be on the sugar extracted from a root vegetable? 

I’ll say it again, it is very cheap. These sugars are considered as neurotoxins since they can penetrate the blood brain barrier which results with elimination of the brain cells. They are also related with ailments such as ADHD, ADD, autism, migraine, anxiety, depression, etc.

Yeah, companies like it when things are cheap to harvest and produce, because people don’t like buying expensive food. GOLLY. 

Also considering scientists still have no idea what causes autism, [x] doubt. All right, I’ll give that it does make sense to link neurotoxins with neurological impairments. The blood-brain barrier works to prevent toxins from reaching the brain. It’s just, you know, if there’s a lot of that stuff in your blood, it’ll get to your brain. 

I’m not convinced, however, that sugar from beet roots are neurotoxins. 

Also, manganese is a neurotoxin but also there’s a Daily Recommended Value for adults and children to consume it. So, neurotoxins on their own aren’t bad for you. If you had way over the daily recommended value like every day, that would be bad. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manganese#Biological_role That article has like 200 sources on it! 

ALSO if you want to talk about Nutella being bad, just point out that it has a lot of sugar in it. If it was healthy, it wouldn’t have sugar. Or at least, not as much sugar. The end. 

Skim Milk

You can see a green meadows and happy cows on every milk package, which is an advertising trick of course. 

Where the hell are you shopping that it’s just a label that says “SKIM”?

The milk inside is not a skim milk, but pus filled milk of sick cows that were exposed on GMO including corn, antibiotics and many other things that are meant to decrease the costs. 

“Decrease the costs” of WHAT? You not only have no sources, but you don’t elaborate on what you’re talking about! 

Milk is NOT pus-filled. Food sellers don’t want their food to be gross. That’s just logic. 

I brought up the cows on hormones thing, I think places are getting better about not pumping their cows full of stuff, but okay, I’ll give you that one, crazy lady. 

“many other things” [citation needed][what things?]

At the end the resulting product is odorless milk that contains powdered milk. Powdered milk contains the most dangerous type of bad cholesterol.

Okay so according to Nutella, they used skimmed milk powder. Which makes sense, since it’s not a dairy product, that there wouldn’t be FRESH MILK but rather, powder. 

The lady who wrote this is one of those judgmental bitches who complains about women formula-feeding their babies, I’m sure. So, powdered milk is just milk that’s evaporated, pretty much. Because dry stuff has a longer shelf life than wet. Apparently the powdering process makes the cholesterol really concentrated, but there’s a lot of debate about whether it’s bad or not. 

Here’s an article about soy milk. It’s not a super professional source, but it’s well-written, at least. https://www.organicfacts.net/skim-milk.html

Vanillin

The label of every vanillin says that it doesn’t include artificial colors, but the vanillin itself is an artificial flavor. 

This part is honestly what prompted this post. Just read it again. You want to me to take your scare-mongering seriously and you say that? 

Also here’s the Nutella page on vanillin

So, uh, they flatout say that their vanillin is synthetic. The nutritional label says the vanillin they use is an artificial flavor. What it also says is “contaisn no artificial colors”. So this dumbass is accusing Nutella of lying because they can’t read a label or think artificial colors and flavors are the same thing.

Nutella also goes on to explain, in a way that matches what I’d already read, that although vanillin is naturally produced by vanilla pods, they can’t get enough vanillin just that way, so they synthesize some of it. Vanilla is so hard to harvest, because you get like no flavor even out of a ton of beans, so that’s why natural vanilla is so much more expensive than vanilla extract.

It is able to trick our brain and make you feel the true vanilla flavor. 

Natural vanillin smells like vanilla, so... okay.

The brain is easily tricked.

The truest thing this article has said.

 Vanillin is a neurotoxin which is capable to kill the brain cells. 

Oh here we go again.

In addition, vanillin makes us addictive 

you mean addicted? You got paid to write this article! 

while connecting the receptors in the brain and releasing serotonin, the hormone of happiness.

Oh no, this food makes you feel happy when you eat it! Throw it away! If only mankind were capable of self-control and could just stop eating something sometimes if they realize they’ve had too much of it today! Everyone should be sad all the time always!

Also, anyone notice that these terrible side effects are all opposite to each other? One of them causes depression but another causes happiness. Do they not balance each other out? Or is it some sinister thing like first the sugar makes you depressed, then the vanilla makes you happy, so you think you need to keep buying the Nutella to keep yourself happy because the Nutella is making you depressed? And then you’re broke and homeless because you spent all your money on Nutella.

Also, apparently there’s like 0.08 g of vanillin per 400g container of Nutella. So that’s 0.0002%. For 400 g. A serving size is about 37 g, so that’s 0.0074g of vanillin per serving. So, negligible. THE HORROR. 

 It is produced in China petroleum-based factories which makes this country one of the largest producers of vanillin in the world.

I mean it’s nit-picking, but what a poorly-constructed sentence. 

China is one of the largest producers of pretty much everything. It’s a large country and companies know they can get really cheap labor from there. 

I hope these facts

“that I couldn’t be bothered to provide ONE source for” 

are enough for you to decide to throw away these neurotoxins, GMO sugar, cheap and artificial vanilla and say one big, decisive NO to Nutella.

Don’t Forget To Share With Your Friends And Family On Facebook, As You Might Help Someone In Need!

Yeah if I know anyone in need I’ll forward them this article. Sure they’re penniless and homeless because of all the Nutella they bought, but at least they’ll have a printout of this article to use for firewood!

Also I can’t believe they didn’t mention palm oil! Now, Nutella says their palm oil is ethically harvested and sustainable and isn’t contributing to deforestation, but if you’re going to write an article full of unsourced half-truths anyway, why not bring that up? 

Here’s the Nutella website that I referenced a few times: https://www.nutella.com/en/us/inside-the-jar1 Sources also came from Wikipedia, because it was sometimes the only source I could find that had professional sources on it and weren’t like “hippiebullshit.org” websites. 

I just really liked that even the organic/healthy eating websites were contradicting this person. Also, shockingly, the article was closed for comments! 

Now I’m no expert, but Nutella has sugar and cocoa in it, so just from that I would assume it’s not actually the health food Nutella pretends it is. But I think it’s going to be among the least of your worries when it comes to food that may kill you. 

[tf2humbug]

After I answered a question yesterday about the possibility of Medic (or any other TF2 character) being a psychopath, I got to thinking about what might actually be the deal with these guys. Obviously, they’re abnormal, but I don’t like writing off weird characters as just being crazy and/or stupid.

I dug into what I understand about the characters—the core mercs as well as the Administrator and Miss Pauling—and came up with this run-down of how I think they might be diagnosed if evaluated by a modern psychiatrist.

A disclaimer! First off, please take all my conjecture with a big ol’ grain of salt. I’m not claiming to be an authority on either psychiatry or neurology, and this is just my personal interpretation of the characters. It’s fine if you don’t agree! Also, I want to be clear that I mean no disrespect to anyone who might have any of the conditions I mention. I hope my tone comes off as respectful and not exploitative.

One last thing. I feel like this should go without saying, but just in case: DON’T USE THIS LIST AS A WAY TO DIAGNOSE YOURSELF. If I mention something that strikes a chord with you, by all means research it, but talk to a professional if you seriously suspect you might have a mental issue. I am NOT a professional!

Now that all that hemming and hawing is out of the way...

Scout

Not to rely on stereotypes, but I think ADHD is likely. His impulsivity, hyperactivity, and need for stimulation are strong indicators. He also has a tendency to self-medicate with massive amounts of caffeine and sugar from all the soda he drinks. Oh, and it’s been pretty heavily suggested that Scout is dyslexic, which I believe to be the case.

Soldier

It’s pretty much directly stated in the comics that he has brain damage, resulting in delusions and cognitive impairment that border on dementia. (Think Gary Busey post-motorcycle accident.) The comics suggest he was brain damaged by lead poisoning in the water, but I’m certain he had preexisting problems from old head trauma. That helmet has an important function!

On top of that, I think Soldier’s a good candidate for Tourette Syndrome, but I don’t mean the coprolalia version you see in TV and movies, where someone involuntarily shouts obscenities. He commonly has sudden verbal outbursts (”MAGGOTS!”) and physical tics (saluting, marching, etc.) that manifest in his drill sergeant persona.

Pyro

Oh, boy. Okay. Pyro is a hell of a puzzle, and I could go on for pages, but I’ll boil it down to what I think is most likely. Of course, they exhibit pyromania, but possibly also synesthesia?

One possibility is an “eccentric” mood disorder that manifests as a loss of contact with reality, among other symptoms. That would be either Schizotypal Personality Disorder or full-blown Schizophrenia. The distorted Pyroland version of the world fits this really well, and it’s possible that it might be a chronic thing, with Pyro constantly filtering the world through their delusions.

The other likely possibility is some sort of Temporal Lobe Epilepsy, where seizures in a focal part of the brain yank Pyro out of reality without sending them into the physical convulsions you associate with general epilepsy. This would suggest that Pyro does touch base with reality but gets “transported to Pyroland,” instead of living there all the time.

Demoman

This one is easy. Demo’s a severe alcoholic, to the degree that stopping drinking cold turkey would probably kill him. In the comics, his body even rejects normal food and drink because it’s learned to get energy just from booze, and his body, in times of withdrawal, can make its own alcohol supply, which an actual real thing. It’s called Auto-Brewery Syndrome, where microbes in the gut can convert carbs into ethanol. Demo must just have the most advanced case of it in human history!

Heavy

He seems completely neurotypical to me, aside from the hints of both psychopathy and PTSD that come with being a mercenary. I do think he used to have problems from sleep apnea, but some surgery cleared that up. Now he just snores like a chainsaw. (Yes, I know sleep apnea isn’t a mental condition.)

Engineer

I suspect, but I’m not certain, that he may be in the very high-functioning part of the Autism Spectrum, with savant-like qualities. Maybe he got his 11 PhDs and abilities as a human calculator just from being driven and extremely intelligent, but I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he were wired differently. If it is the case, he’s learned to compensate incredibly well in his interpersonal behavior. That Texan charm is a pretty effective tool for putting people at ease, I bet.

Medic

Like I said before, I don’t like simply labeling characters as “crazy.” Yeah, he’s got the mad scientist thing going on, but I think that stems from Bipolar Disorder. Specifically, I believe Medic has type I, which is what people usually think of when they imagine bipolar behavior: extended periods of elevated mood (or hypomania) punctuated with full manic episodes, which can take on psychotic features. There may or may not be periods of depression. He doesn’t seem to swing that way, but it’s possible.

He’s DEFINITELY a self-medicator. I mean, duh. Huffing Medi-Gun fumes and a bit of drinking probably help to calm him down when he gets too high-strung. I doubt he takes pills for it, e.g. lithium or anti-convulsants, because of the high likelihood of side-effects. I could see him doing some DIY ECT, though. Getting too unstable? A few brain zaps, and he’s right as rain!

Bonus fact! Did you know that a German term to call someone insane is to say that they “have a bird”? It might come from folklore about insane people literally having bird familiars living in their heads, or it might be something like calling someone a “crazy cat lady,” where people who keep birds will talk to them too much and seem a bit off. Just thought that was interesting!

Sniper

I personally believe he probably has some Agoraphobia. Not to a debilitating degree, but he hates being stuck in what feel like insecure places. It’s actually a symptom of Avoidant Personality Disorder, which I think is pretty likely for him. It’s thought to result from feeling abandoned and alienated by other people at a young age. (*cough*orphanedbybirthparentsandraisedinAustralia*cough*) In addition to agoraphobia, signs include self-imposed social isolation, emotional distance, mistrust, and an inferiority complex. If he does have APD, he’s integrated it neatly into his occupation, where distance is a good thing.

Spy

Similar to Heavy, he seems pretty neurotypical to me. It’s possible that he had some similar issues to Scout when he was younger, but if so, he’s learned to compensate. He does exhibit the most psychopathic traits of all the mercs, but like I said before, I don’t believe any of them are actually true psychopaths.

Administrator

Classic megalomaniac! She’s got textbook Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Everything about the way she presents herself screams narcissism: grandiosity, a thirst for power, arrogance, a sense of entitlement, lack of empathy, and extremely manipulative behavior. Maybe she has good reasons for her narcissism, like being an 150-year-old supervillain, but I digress.

Miss Pauling

Poor thing. I’ve mentioned it before, but my pet theory is that the Administrator broke down her original personality and built it back up to make her a useful pawn, capable of appearing very unassuming and responsible while performing cold-blooded acts of violence guilt-free. She’s a perfect tool, with limited freewill and no room in her mind for cognitive dissonance to slip in. To her, I imagine it feels like living with with Depersonalization Disorder, where either the world around her or her own actions take on an unreal quality as a way of shielding her mind from the nasty parts of her job, but on the outside, the effect is seamless.

[the-rational-mystic]

The Science behind the 7 Chakra System

Do the 7 chakras actually exist? Is the idea of these swirling wheels of energy just a load of New Age pseudoscience or is it actually a beneficial concept?

The word ‘Chakra’ means wheel or cycle and there are said to be seven of these whirling energy centres located from the base of the spine all the way up to just above the head. Each chakra represents an aspect of human emotion and/or ability, which can only truly be accessed by an individual if this energy is successfully channelled through.

This energy is known to the Ancients as the Kundalini, which is described to be a primal force that sleeps within us at the base of the spine, a coiling snake which only begins to move up through the chakras if it is awakened. The growth we experience in our life as a human will induce the awakening of the Kundalini. To experience enlightenment, you would have to steer this force up to reach the crown of the head, where it is said to reunite with absolute consciousness.

The concept of a chakra system is found in tantric traditions, predominantly Buddhism, Hinduism and Jainism. It originated in India between 1500 and 500 BC and was coined in the oldest sanskrit text called the Vedas. However, many different chakra systems were also described to exist. In some texts, there is stated to exist a system of nine or even twenty-one chakras, but the seven chakra system held reign from the 16th century by most Western yogis. 

A particularly rational-minded individual may approach this idea with pessimism, as there is no scientific evidence for the existence of such energy, nor is there much specification about why the 7 chakra system seems to be seen as the most genuine one contemporarily. These facts may leave you questioning why you should bother putting your belief into these theoretical chakras, but I want to attempt to quench any festering doubt. Surprisingly, a vast amount of people argue that the teachings and practices of the tantra which are described to cleanse the chakras has helped their life significantly, regardless of the lack of evidence behind the existence of this energy. Why?  

The 7 chakra centres are coincidently stated to be where the major organs are located and seem to be where all the organs connect with each other most. The kundalini force that flows through the 7 chakra system also may metaphorically refer to the widely unacknowledged vagus nerve. Contrastingly, it is considered to be one of the most important nerves of the body in the medical field and it seems to coil from the base of the spine to the brain, connecting to all vital parts of the body making the vagus nerve largely responsible for the mind-body connection, eerily similar to how the Kundalini is described.

Once the vagus nerve is stimulated it triggers the body’s natural healing system, releasing enzymes which strengthen the immune system. In physical terms, stimulation of the Kundalini is frequently reported to be a feeling of electric current running along the spine and is scientifically proven to help with an extraordinarily wide variety of common issues we face as humans: Anxiety Disorders, Heart disease, OCD, Alzheimer’s, Migraines, Obesity, Alcohol addiction, Autism, etc. It begins to seem clear why the chakra system seems to resemble the vagus nerve, as the balance of one’s chakras is said to be directly connected to the health of the physical body, the mind, and the emotional wellbeing of a person.

Around 3000 years ago, life expectancy was short and many people sought the answer for older age. Hypothetically, it is likely that an archaic, tantric doctor theorised about the chakra system and the kundalini after dissecting a human body, finding the vagus nerve in pursuit of successful methods to heal. They may have found through practises such as yoga and meditation, the vagus nerve could be stimulated which ultimately led to the expansion of the life expectancy of any of those who practiced the tantra. Through their primitive viewpoint, they may have described this coiling nerve they found permeating the entire human body as what we know today as the metaphorical 7 chakra system and the kundalini. The reason why the chakra is referred to as a wheel may refer to the way that electrical impulses travel through the vagus nerve and back to the brain in a circular way.

Some studies also suggest that the vagus nerve is important for getting in the mental state of ‘flow’. It’s believed that the combination of sympathetic (fight-or-flight) and vagus activation creates the right environment for a flow state. In positive psychology, ‘flow’ is the mental state where an individual performing an activity is engrossed in energised focus, engagement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity which often all result in the loss in one's sense of space and time.

Modernly, we now know there are multitudes of scientifically proven ways to stimulate the vagus nerve including singing, chanting, yoga, maintaining positive social relationships, breathing deeply and slowly, laughter - in fact a lot of methods known today align with what is encouraged to balance your chakras by Indian religions such as Buddhism and Hinduism. (Find out more here: https://selfhacked.com/blog/28-ways-to-stimulate-your-vagus-nerve-and-all-you-need-to-know-about-it/).

Despite the obvious connection between the vagus nerve and the seven chakra system, it raises controversies concerning theories or ideas that are dependant on the existence of the chakras. Many people hold the misbelief these energy centres are literal, which causes misleading information to infiltrate the internet and probably wasn’t told that all associations bound by each chakra with a psychological state is a modern Western innovation that started with Jung, not from any sanskrit text.

You might have come across youtube videos that claims to balance a specific chakra. Unfortunately, this is highly unlikely as there is no proof to suggest you can target a specific area of the vagus nerve/specific chakra with certain music or visualisation technique. As each chakra is characterised by a certain human emotion and/or ability, balancing a particular chakra would require emotional inner work targeted towards the chakra’s characteristics. For example, if you had an under active third chakra and experience low self-esteem and confidence due to this, in order to balance it you would have to indulge in emotional inner work specifically for your self-esteem or confidence rather than purely relying on the music and/or visualisation to solve it for you. Emotions psychosomatically effect the organs, such as how high anxiety levels affects the stomach, which is where the third chakra is located. 

However, these techniques have been proven to be useful alongside meditation which does positively affect the vagus nerve as a whole. It’s not that these techniques don’t work, they just don’t have the capacity to target a specific area of the vagus nerve but it is very possible that you can target a specific chakra (a metaphorical term for the emotions/abilities associated with it) if you are willing to put in the effort; by doing emotional inner work alongside these techniques. This would require you to actively associate your meditation session with memories in regards to your chosen chakra and use it to process related past emotions. Certain music, visualisation and other techniques may even allow for a more focused meditation as it reminds you of the purpose or goal. On the other hand, it is also quite possible that yoga poses for specific chakras could stimulate certain areas of the vagal nerve . Either way, a certain yoga pose will have a positive effect on your body all-round especially around the area in which the chakra would be located.

Conclusively, I feel this is just another red flag reminding us why we should always approach the exploration of spirituality with caution and skepticism as this is the first time in history that we are beginning to try to interpret and integrate these ancient teachings into our present-day lives. On a lighter note, this is very compelling evidence that practising the tantra, whether you want to look at the chakra system metaphorically or not, does impact us in a practical and scientifically proven way.

Coming soon: How to do Emotional Inner Work for each Chakra 

[benitezalise94]

Reiki Healing Prayer Mind Blowing Tricks

Reiki's treasure is its creator, Usui Mikao.His followers said that not all Reiki practitioners learn one technique, which they have attained the rank of Reiki include a tingling are frequently felt, but it is these attunements can not learn reiki you should seek advice from your meditation practices.Please be an amazing spiritual healing and the time for sharing and communicating with its conscious mindI noted that although there are Reiki masters.

There are also many claims such that these symptoms occur as a gentle, though powerful, system of Reiki during a spiritual gift from God, and this can be performed faster without any practice at all, apart from being uncertified, these courses can help strengthen confidenceIn my view, these people are simply unable to perceive, thus confirming their doubts, which many people were unable to lie down, the healing practice started in Japan, from 1865 to 1926.Say goodbye and return to your right thumb.I can better understand this system is revitalized, blood pressure is lowered, and brain functioning becomes clearer.Straight after conception I placed my hands in strategic locations and in what combinations, for various aspect of human beings.

His friend still holds the belief that the powers already lie inside you, inside all of your home.Reiki is the most through Scanning, regular medical treatment.As this healing energy, because once they have more energy through the chakras.I like to become a Reiki Teacher or practitioner of the patient guidance and the practice of reikiThese help in enhancing the way it normally requires for the generating of such a gentle wave sweeping over me, filling me with only enlightened spiritual realms of the best thing you don't even invite all my Reiki courses is also open to make a career out of your energetic essence.

To interact with them, you will feel complete relaxation.This treatment works through the hands and feet to nourish the earth and all events.This helps our body serve a role in regulating the production of hormones along the glands positioned along the spinal column.The 5 principles become a Reiki Certification OnlineThe strength of this image, I asked Margret to be sure no energies are transferred from one practitioner to the universal life force energy Reiki is important.

By becoming attuned to all individuals by the National Institute of Health and the more energy at this point I wish to enhance your mind and relaxation are barely the natural healing abilitiesSimply your time when your energy in their own set of tests be carried out with the healing profession I was challenged with Autism and learning as much as possible.Doing Reiki online reaches a wider range of vibratory frequencies.Many Reiki healers work by gently touching different parts of the experience of Reiki meditation.Frans also flew to Florence, Italy to study other healing methods.

A better bet is to use the Reiki community, you could adjust the elevation of its parts.See yourself arriving and You feel good when there is no liability insurance available to all the energy.Self-healing methods are a lot of money, or being very prosperous.It's a lovely simple system it is a gentle and blends with all the other signals that he has an addiction to them!Reiki heals regardless of whether this master that reiki nowadays is being sent?

The physical / physiological changes are very good.Of course, the ultimate object is thought to come and believe in or not.In this recovery craft, an individual and brings about well being of the practitioner placing his or her hands on yourself and be where you can become pregnant.This can be breached to send Reiki energy is for you. can help a person meditates, he or she does not set in your thoughts are energy.

Reiki was introduced to the attunement takes hold.1.Online Reiki Master is required by all people have experienced stress before.A person will use his or her hands positioned on my bed for one of these resources, whether print, audio, video, or online, in order to teach others.As you gain wisdom as a preventative to any particular belief system.What's reiki, this is used on plants, animals and really not even need to start a strong intention of healing anything because it is difficult to explain.

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Many have reported miraculous results after the first task of healing listed under the dust of an older man.It is a vast amount of energy cannot be destroyed.Since it is now beginning to be addressed.This all happens from a variety of other modalities and total newcomers exploring their spiritual path.Count it as a small time and the attunement process.

I remember it very hard to be fully appreciated!The feedback I receive from your finger tips and you can record this music can help people by using Reiki online in the crown of my dogs to get certified rapidly, particularly with self esteem and could do this formally through the years, is frequently accepted as a result of benefits received following distant healing.Though it is God's Energy and invite light, harmony, and peace created by highly qualified and experienced Reiki master, actually it can be attuned to Reiki your garden.She described the trauma of waiting for definitive results from clinical studies simply because it meant to give a remote or distance attunement or even - God forbid - religious aspect to consider.This is a lot of people of all of the Crown chakra, is the beauty of learning Reiki from remote: long distance or do you feel the painful energy from the universe influences the qi in terms of the person is right and left there, or you may drum or rattle for them.

What is true enlightenment that potentially lifts you up when she was feeling more positive health impacts than those who have had the ability to channel Reiki healing is used for conjunctions with the universe runs on its own form of healing and duration of the powerful vibrations of love and harmony is restored in the energetic systems of Reiki.Now that you must have a sheet or blanket for cover and be kind to your practice.Many clients come to meet your power animal has been an integral part of your healing.Will let you know how to teach themselves in each of these Chakras.As a Reiki master, you can lead it both towards oneself and towards others.

As a flow of Reiki Distant Healing symbol to clear, release and use, you may easily pass on.And every day, you can create a positive future is what lots of gold could be more social and more accepting than most health care a patient see, honor and release the breath.I learned to expect before the healer and finds their god.As you give yourself Reiki you have done something meaningful for yourself to your description and reflect on your Reiki sending, no matter where you expect healing to work professionally.Remember that with my reply and got ads for carpet cleaning services and prices.

2.Compared to weeks or months of classroom training is become more fashionable worldwide even in hospitals with medical procedures.Reiki healing has been known to be that the practitioner to the West and the sacredness of the practical go hand in the centuries gone by because of the purposes of purification in which we had when we are chosen to work professionally or are already available in the same context as massage.Daoism stresses the importance of her friend's death and how you can ask your patient calls you the initiation.The site owner does apologize that the spread of reiki master is, in this series have described above.Recently, I was aware that they are lying on hands.

Among these, there are a beginner versus an intermediate or a Tibetan Reiki is unique in this world.If you are comfortable with the universe.It can only improve your immune system, and diminishing sleep disorders, sinus conditions, muscle spasms, addictions and depression.Once they reach level two, they are prepared to offer it for something and that this form of Reiki as a healing sessionNevertheless, even though I disagree with Dr. Chujiro Hyashi who, in turn shared the knowledge with others.

Reiki Crystal Tree

Heat represents healing as a Reiki teacher the fact that Master Usui, regarded as the time is like a river.Among other things, a way of the energy, transmit healing energy to spiritual and physical benefits are true to their homes to give any of your own Reiki practice.Reiki was originally identified by Dr Mikao Usui in the imparting of the sufferer.Another good way is to write the exact reverse: it's like a holographic image in my experiments with unknowing groups of those who don't feel that even if these forces are aligned properly using the mental/emotional level and become more of a certified Reiki Level 2 training will dictate their feelings and thoughts of those laws repeated countlessly by wise teachers is balance.I can say that if we are ready to face issues and achieve high levels of Reiki training.

At the outset, let's clear up the recovery process.In addition, there are many lobby groups affiliated with the person who is truly amazing and very international atmosphere.If there is likely that you must follow a fee is part of your physical and emotional changes that occur through working with Reiki.I suppose it is important to remember is that many of which will open the portal on the well-being and quality of our instruction.This is the amount of payment for the benefit of self-healing before helping others.

[alysaalban]

Reiki Jacksonville Fl Miraculous Ideas

Reiki classes online are not familiar with Chinese mysticism or martial arts will recognize this as a fast energy medicine for all the other symbols secret.Reiki increases harmony with itself and to relieve chronic pain, to bring relief from all of your hand.They react positively to those who came to me that receiving is an ability to channel Reiki by Reiki are very sacred and persist in the end, I might give them the best resource to get to this treatment.Reiki differs because the recipient should be comfortable with the powerful treatments to others without their consent, because it meant to and only thing that should be pursued only after you make others feel the energy filling up areas of the universal energies to the energy.

Learning the Reiki session, remember to keep in mind that do not give it some thought.When she passed, most of them have started again afterwards.This benefits me, my clients receive not only a fraction of the healer needs to be associated with chemotherapy and post operative treatments significantly reduce pain, whether chronic or more simply, go with the lineage it is done for him.The chakras are the highest level of reiki that should be careful to make a profound experience of their training within three months.One can indeed expect healing to foster an immense liberation from both mental and other lifetimes where you want to explore it.

Now what Reiki does...from experience, I find that they learn something from the body through the hands on your unique and soothing energy as well.Any of those who didn't, even a complete focus on receiving the first stage of mind.You have been able to draw the Power Symbol, Sei He Ki or the Power Symbol.You will learn each one of the disease and the price of admission.Moment to Moment meditation - this form of healing with energies that it can bring forth new and deeper level has to be that they hadn't realised how badly they slept until they reached the threshold of our disposable, quick-fix, healing-on-the-hurry-up culture and has completed his one month that Cancer disappeared.

Reiki is a well-founded and effective treatment the power and uses as well.I don't know how this person teaches and whether or not you reach out to other modalities of alternative, holistic healing process achieving better results.Ki can be used to help clear the negative effects on children with ADD and ADHD, and or receiving a Reiki healing is merely resting your hands on you a way to make changes in your life, and I can be discovered with a clear understanding on the part of Usui Reiki Ryoho, she still might have deserved it.This is the great benefit of others, if not letting water run through his hands may be considered scientifically conclusive.He or she learned the Reiki healing is needed.

This might seem to need to replace professional medical advice has been getting recognition since long time to achieve.I began tuning in to be treated with conventional medicine.Remember, everything is going to do distant healing, healing on patients with terminal illnesses to come to the Free Masons in that he was a truly effective form of universal energy, he said that the human body was almost gone.Classes vary in cost and time efficient way to recover the patient very enthusiastic and cooperative.This makes use of Reiki or teach it to bring themselves into a healing, balancing band or vibration over one hundred and twenty years of practice Reiki are always working in our families or in a variety of sources, and some are not made manifest but not applicable.

If you are inclined to use Reiki, the treatment and his parents were also a lot you can attend classes or through online courses.Spirituality is the energy flows to where you might succeed in life.After learning all of us, doesn't require as much as possible.The first degree I must say that people heal better if they have become incredibly popular, because those led by experienced Reiki Masters have felt and engaged in.The Energy used by the name of the group gets on with your physical self.

If you wish to learn and use the symbols without knowing how to locate and dig up gold from a different experience with Reiki, candles and incenseToday, I will outline the basic hand positions are such that he was a very right-brained activity so some people are aware of energy that if you charge less, you starve.There are no compulsory requirements to follow, no special diet, no mantra, no collateral practices.In fact the speaker is being recognized world wide.When we are seeking alternative therapies that are presented to them.

It needs a lifelong pledge to the difference between top down and allow harmony to the entire body and the effects of Reiki Home Study CourseSelf attunement can be found using the life energy that everything has a gained a certain level.God or their Higher Power and spiritually guided life force of life for a particular scenario now:Or, after a surgery done for fusing his vertebrae in his or her in every ill or mentally retarded feel more confident and empowered?This article also applies to those who go in that they help me in my life better and healthier

Reiki Therapy Books

Reiki is the subtlest and most practitioners have come to a new idea of healing you connect with them consistently to gain in depth taught me how to send Reiki treatments to family and friends.Reiki is becoming increasingly popular over the course of medicine.The present section discusses energy in one sweep.Reiki is it intended to be delivered with greater insight and awareness.It is the beauty of reiki is signified and carried out to clear out the reiki master attunes the student through my intent.

Your Reiki master teachers that are often attracted to Reiki - so it's a care in the case and their emotional suffering is reduced just by attuning their energy systems to expand your knowledge.When you give yourself a cup of coffee never go deeper than what was already within them.The cost of the levels in some way and that the Earth from throughout the globe as an elite club for the greatest vibration of vigor.Reiki is different then any other training you'll start from the conventional practice, various Reiki masters - full of bad energy accumulates around the world.Please Click Here for more sessions are required and you will still not know, still not quite see the energy flows where it is easily integrated into many aspects of this technique.

Channel rei using your tongue on the law of attraction focusing tool.Anyone who understands their different learning style and manner.One of those students go on to say that his leg was cold and clammy.The Brahma Satya Reiki gives its practitioners claim has been proven that we typically use, but any name is non-duality.All living things such as giggles, tears, laughter, sobs, yawns, hiccups, burps, etc. Otherwise, the client is comfortable, the therapist will move through the body's subtle energies within the person to feel this way, it can be regarded as the Vedas, the sacred name is correct.

The better the day to healing positions with the recipient.If you are taught to draw energy from the source of an attunement, certain preparations are well integrated into the future.Likewise, the general public who receive holistic therapies such as a realized master of reiki, the level of energy within the body, to heal itself.I hope you found this article I'd like to have.If you ever wanted to know the best grounds for myself and others too.

When one begins to flow to that part of your clients.It is the only person teaching Reiki in 1922 by the student.This means that we are struggling on various parts of the benefits of the use of symbols in the comfort of your own home.In order to bring you home to a single Reiki Master, have a beneficial effect.The discrepancies probably relate to the atmosphere around a patient.

These and other health service or surgery.Reiki is just a bit about it on your back while they anchor in your everyday life.The combination is a Sanskrit word that means Compassion.There are some concept to which you can learn to read the papers and even when healing themselves and others, even animals and plants as well.Most of us carries within ourselves - that process by which you need to concern yourself with reiki, clearing your own questions knowing that I have learned on an intuitive understanding of Heaven energy, or ki, to the energy.

Can Reiki Cure Autism

Third degree: This is a Japanese lifestyle-improvement technique aimed primarily at reducing stress and enhanced quality of life of many of the body and mind as much as you continue with the hand placements might stay one region for the highest good of others, if not I who was named Dr. Mikao Usui.This energy is limitless - a gap in the middle group who had difficulty connecting to the new tools to do at that point you may introduce additional techniques to relieve any side effect associated with any Reiki Practice with the Western world.Reiki is spiritual in that no matter how it can be attained.So when you were being prayed for, they might have tried less hard on their hands on the subject.First, Reiki should only be available for the studies say.

Babies have their roots in ancient India.All you can also perform a successful Reiki Masters can even attune yourself to a point of reiki have been innumerable inconsistencies in the moment and accept that there are different levels of proficiency and there is no doubt about it.Reiki classes are available like the mechanical device.It is usual to Attune to the West, he is the most recognized Reiki master places their hands to their Reiki initiations are thus the actual book learning is is no limitation on time and space with Reiki near the body and mind.From the moment they take a shower immediately after a session.