#(I say this knowing that silver was a late addition... so the whole silver plot must've been off-the-cuff but I would like to read

[crystalelemental]

When I was a child, there was something that really bugged me in Pokemon games. Why was it that some Pokemon showed up so late? I really like Misdreavus, but it's all the way in Mt Silver! Even smaller issues like Seel in FRLG felt annoying. I have to beat five whole gyms without this thing? Why even pick it up? This led, inevitably, to my first hacking device: a GameShark for Gen 3. I have a vivid memory of replaying FRLG, excited to hack in my own personalized and very normal starter, Articuno. Articuno was so great when you caught it! Surely it would be even better if I could use it all game!

Now...I did not have the internet at the time. And by Gen 3, I was perhaps overconfident about not needing a strategy guide. So while you may know what happened already, I did not know what was coming. Articuno sucked. Like, really bad. If you look at it, it turns out the answer is obvious: it only knows Gust and Powder Snow as attacks until Ice Beam at level 49. Which...hey, wait a second. That's only one level below what you catch it at to begin with! And it turns out, this was similar all over. Seel didn't learn anything but Headbutt until level 17, it was useless against Brock despite its typing. What is going on? Why do all these Pokemon I like when I catch them at the intended time suck so badly when I get them early?

At the time, I blamed it on the Pokemon being bad and just hacked rare candies. But over time, you begin to suspect that maybe, just maybe, the game was designed on purpose? That maybe there was a structure to the game at large that kept things in balance. With age, it stops being "this was badly designed because I didn't get what I wanted out of it," and starts to become its own thing. To quote a famous Nuzleaf, I believe all of this is happening for a reason.

Friends...let's talk Sword and Shield.

My team was Rillaboom, Thievul, Butterfree, Mr. Rime, Alcremie, and Dragapult kinda sorta, with additional showcasings for Carkoal and Perrserker. I say sorta kinda on Dragapult because I intended to use it, but it didn't fully evolve until after I beat Leon. Oops!

If the intro wasn't a giveaway, I want to talk gameplay first. While we'll get to the story issues, I think gameplay matters more to Pokemon, and is the bigger problem that keeps Galar low on my list. To get some small housekeeping out of the way first:

I will not be harping on graphics, I don't care. Yes I know performance isn't good, but it's mildly annoying at worst.

I will not be harping on designs, they're largely fine. The starters are one of the weakest sets, and the box legends might be my least favorite, but there are plenty of good ones to the region as well.

I will not say "game too easy," but I will be discussing factors that led people to that assertion.

I will not be talking about Dexit. While I hated it at first, having calmed from it, I think it's for the best. I liked when Gen 5 forced you to use the new stuff to generate new favorites, and if anything Dexit should go harder by removing Home so they can more severely tweak stats and movesets between generations.

My problem with Gen 8 gameplay my very well be my own preferred means of playing, but I'm going to attempt making my case with three examples.

First: Growth via TM progression. In my Crystal run, I ran a Togetic, and have a pretty rough time of it. Togetic was never particularly strong, but it had an arc, picking up Mud Slap for Morty, Sunny Day/Solarbeam/Flamethrower for several Kanto gyms, and then falling back on Psychic/Zap Cannon when the earlier set wasn't working out. Togetic had an arc of struggle, in which it had to find tools that made it work for each phase of the game, that came down to recently acquired TMs the game provided naturally. Barring Flamethrower, all of these were free acquisitions.

Compare this to Thievul is Galar. It also is pretty bad, despite access to Nasty Plot, because its best attacking move is Snarl. It needs TMs to learn anything else. But in Galar, TMs are no longer infinite, as TRs now cover the really good moves. And the only way to get them is random den drops, and random shop items around the Wild Area for thousands of Watts, when a full den gives only 300. Acquiring the specific TM it wants is next to impossible. Dens aren't guaranteed to be Dark type, and even if they are, you could get other dark moves like Crunch. The shops aren't guaranteed to sell Dark Pulse, and even if they are, how long will it take to farm 5000 Watts? There is no control over what the Wild Area produces, and thus no arc to be had for anything specific.

Second: growth via learnset progression. In Emerald, I ran a Mawile. Caught at level 37 in Victory Road, we needed several levels before it could learn the move that would give it relevance, and the EXP options were scarce. I had to use an EXP All, cutting the entire team's EXP gains just for Mawile to catch up, while trying to find optional areas with trainers left, and at times trying to keep Mawile in to win the fight herself. There's a struggle and a cost to the growth unit perspective.

Compare that to my Butterfree. Until it gained Quiver Dance, Butterfree contributed little beyond the occasional Sleep Powder lockdown. It took off once it learned Quiver Dance, but the means of getting there was just...have it in the team. Even on the back row, it'll be fine and catch up with no real issue. There's not much of a struggle to overcome, or a sense that you're building things. It just kinda happens to you.

Third: Galar's Intent. I do not have a comparison point for this, but Mr. Rime. Probably my MVP! Once it hits Mr. Mime, it has Icy Wind, Psybeam, and Dazzling Gleam. With a Thunderbolt TM I had randomly picked up from an early den, it had excellent coverage that took down a majority of the region past its evolution. This was a fairly fun find.

I think that's the intent of Galar's structure: accidents. Surprises. The Wild Area lacks any sense of control, holding events locked to the day and forcing save commitments that refuse to allow soft resets for different outcomes. If you can roll with the punches, and accept whatever comes at you, this game probably is a lot of fun. That's probably why my wife likes it so much. But if you can't...well, you're like me, and this game is really difficult to appreciate.

I will, however, argue that it's not just me. The Wild Area's structure is awkward, being the sole home of a lot of different Pokemon, who will only show up under specific weather conditions and at very low rates. Look up how to find Dreepy some time. But the dens lack control as well, unless you manipulate the system's clock in the right way. Then, even if you find something you want, you have to hope for the random TM to drop too. I decided to use Rillaboom because I never once ran a starter, and part of Rillaboom was wanting TMs that required time manipulation to find in stock. If you come in wanting literally anything, the Wild Area is very likely to deny you. You have to come in wanting for nothing at all, working only with what's handed to you, to have a good time.

Which feels crazy disingenuous to me? Pokemon is all about the little critters you can find, and growing an attachment to things you want to catch. Not everything even comes from what's randomly found, sometimes you see something in an enemy team and get really excited for that thing. Like, imagine seeing something like Cursola in Allister's team, and going man, that looks cool! Regional Corsola and it gets an evolution, sign me up! So you go out into the world hoping to get it, only to find that it shows up exactly 5% of the time under one (1) specific weather condition in one (1) region of the Wild Area. Better hope that one area has the right weather condition or there is no way in hell you're getting that Corsola!

I just...I get that replaying Pokemon games is a thing, and that each experience can be different, and that having some random outcomes is beneficial. But Galar takes it way too far. I think their intent was to give players technical access to what they want right away, without making it actually available. See, this is something I heard and agree with: Pokemon is most engaging while you're building the team. Postgames have felt difficult for me to appreciate because my team is done, my moveset is done, I don't want to do the volcano in Platinum I just want to finish. You need to have a ladder to climb and a goal to reach for the game to remain engaging. But players are also impatient, and have gotten worse with this series over time. Learned movesets went from situations where Gyarados learns very little of value naturally, to learning its best Water move at like level 21. Players will tell you they want the feeling of being done early, but that provably kills the experience.

Another thing I'd do with hacking as a kid was bring in all TMs. Yeah, let's start HGSS with a Swinub that has Ice Beam, Rock Slide, and Earthquake, what could go wrong? It turns out everything at once, as you just clobber the entire early game with no resistance. There was no real challenge to approaching the game in this way, and the run turns stale fast because oops, Swinub had its best moveset right out the gate. I started a lot of runs in those days but rarely finished, and it's why nowadays I do have some compulsion about the purity of a run. It can actually take away part of the joy. And more than likely, the devs know this too. So if players demand the ability to kill that joy, but you want to sustain it, what's the compromise?

Make it all so random that it's borderline impossible to account for anything. Yeah dude, you can get everything right away! But you can't get anything specific at all. Which solves nothing and creates new problems. Because now there's no progression toward the endgame outside of learnset, and some learnsets in Galar are hilariously bad. You ever looked at Coalossal's moveset? Its best Rock move is Rock Blast at 54. Good luck not using TMs and making that thing work to any enjoyment. It feels like they overshot the mark, and for anyone who plays like I do, thinking about what Pokemon you want to run or trying to chart a course for the game, it's naturally going to be miserable. Galar still ranks really low for me, but I at least feel like I understand what Galar may have wanted to do.

Gameplay aside...it's time to talk about the aspect that got my wife laughing at me, and will probably have @alphakuriboh saying some things too. Story.

Much like XY, Galar is generally considered a low point for story. Doesn't make sense, antagonist is stupid, etc, you know the drill. However, I do think they Galar was cooking to some degree.

Rose is the main sticking point regarding story, because...again, the antagonist's actions are the only story we get in Pokemon. And he kinda pingpongs. Worried about a millenium from now, he refuses to wait 24 of god's own hours for Leon to finish his sports tournament, and unleashes hell. He acts sad about the state of affairs but resolved that he must do it, then after you beat him is back to borderline cheerful about how fun battles could be. You solve the problem, and Rose turns himself in, never to be heard from again. That is. An event, my dude.

Thing is, I think his actions make more sense given his character, and the theme of Galar. Galar's big theme is a sort of "passing the torch," best summarized by Opal. The old need to know when to step out of the way, but we're not done yet. Opal's stance and her actions tell the full picture. It's not that the old blood needs to disappear, but rather that at some point, the young need to take ownership of their future. They're the ones most impacted by the conditions going forward, after all, and it's important they be granted the ability to decide for themselves what they want.

Rose, as a character, denies that entirely. He manipulates the younger generations for his own ends, and his motivation is about maintaining his own view of things and his legacy 1000 years in the future. Yes, it's a far off problem that can be solved a bit later, but that's not the point. This is his problem, and it has to be solved his way. And most importantly, solved how he commands it. His lack of patience isn't about truly being so hasty. It's about forcing Leon back into compliance. Even if Leon didn't strictly say no, it wasn't a yes, and that's not how this goes.

Rose acts kind, propping up Leon as the unbeatable champion and giving Bede his position and mission. But his actions aren't altruistic. Leon now holds the same neuroses as Rose, taking everything on as his own responsibility. Accidents at the power plant? He'll talk to Rose, you all go on. Dynamax Pokemon going out of control? He'll take care of it, don't worry. Eternatus is unleashed? He'll catch it and take care of it. That last one is even what Rose wants! Leon falls completely into his expected role that Rose shaped for him. Bede also falls exactly into the role he expects, even if it results in discarding him and banning him from the competition as a result. Rose controls the youth in order to shape his vision of the future.

While I didn't play it, I imagine this is the intent with Shieldbert and Sordward, too. Control over the truth of the past alters what you think to do in the future, and so they are just another iteration on this idea, albeit less fleshed out.

Rose's future also lacks accounting for everyone's future. Spikemuth is in horrible poverty because they lack a power spot to draw energy from, or to Dynamax for spectacle from. Any future Rose builds will continue this inequality. His vision of preserving the future isn't a net positive for others, but that's not important. What's important is that it's his future. Which is why he lets himself be locked up. If the energy crisis was really the main concern, then your character catching Eternatus and beating Leon should result in another attempt. It never comes because at this point, whatever happens next is no longer his future. He can't care if it's not what he wanted.

The flip flop on his general mood state is a little harder to read with certainty, but I imagine the intent is one of cycles. I doubt he crafted this company from nothing, and his family likely had their own expectations of him that led to him perceiving every little thing as his concern and losing connection with the fun of things. It's a bit messy, but I'd be lying if I said the start of his fight with him gripping the Pokemon wasn't a cool individual scene.

Now before I get too positive, I do think Galar's story is also rife with problems. Primarily, its refusal to engage the player in anything. We feel utterly disconnected from anything going on with Rose or the region, because Leon's taking care of it instead of us. It does hinder the feeling that we're doing anything particularly important or special.

I also feel like some of their decisions were rather...poor, regarding passing the torch. Mostly Magnolia, if I'm honest. I think the decision to not even use your first old female professor to play up her 20-something granddaughter is...telling. God forbid female professors be old, they have to be super young and pretty. I just think it would've been more interesting to have Sonia acting as assistant to Magnolia and piecing together what your player character does instead. It gives Magnolia more spotlight, and gives Sonia like...an actual function beyond turning to you all the time to ask what you think, rather than posit ideas of her own.

Lastly and most vitriolically...what is the point of Marnie? No really, why is she here? Spikemuth's situation is understood, but Piers carries all the interesting stuff. Refusing to Dynamax as a statement about the inequality and the value of its residents is fantastic, and Marnie just throws it out the window. She holds no convictions, and at no point in the story does she really do anything. She's around for the ride until Piers shows up and has an actual emotional stake in things. His own passing the gym leader torch to her doesn't even feel valuable because she's so disconnected from his philosophical stance. I think Marnie should've been the one out here making that statement by refusing Dynamaxing while climbing the League's ladder, and Team Yell benefits from this as their interference can be interpreted as concern that their one chance for a Champion is playing risky by not using Dynamax for some political point. She just feels pointless.

The less said about postgame the better. That entire sequence is just tedious and annoying and completely missed its mark dramatically.

Unlike Kalos, Galar remains low on the list. I'll admit, I have been harsher on the game than was strictly called for, but I maintain it's one of my least favorites. Its entire design is just so functional antithetical to what I like in these games.

Next...I'm gonna be real, I have no idea. I'm kind of in stasis right now. I don't feel like replaying Gen 9, that's too fresh. I considered White 2 but didn't love White 1, so I'm hesitant. I considered ORAS, which...might be next. And for my own console time...it's either BDSP or I pick up one of the games in my backlog. We'll see what I feel like doing tomorrow.

[variousqueerthings]

look I know we’ve been through this, we’ve been over it, we’ve unpicked it at length, but let me try and take off my queercoding hat for a moment (”try”)

Desire, Devotion, Discipline

Desire and Devotion to what? 

To karate? 

I “Desire” karate, I’m “Devoted” to karate... it’s... an odd concept... Desire in particular isn’t something you’d typically use in this context, desire... to get stronger? a devotion to karate techniques? 

and then that phrasing “the first two I can’t give you, the last one I can, but you have to be willing to receive it”

that’s... I mean, it’s Silver teaching him discipline so he can enact his desire to get stronger, because he’s devoted to karate. I’m guessing this must be the reasoning behind that phrasing? 

Which, if that was the intention, that takes away Silver’s effect on Daniel/makes it entirely about karate as a non-metaphorical concept (as in, karate gives Daniel safety, strength, a home, a sense of self, peace).

It kind of stands in contradiction to the fact that it’s not really about karate as a sport, it’s about how Silver corrupts the thing that makes Daniel feel safe, strong, protected and replaces it with him.

So it doesn’t really make sense, except for as a stretched attempt to try and find a non-sexual context for those words (or, trying to figure out just how heterosexual, cisgender and in no way ever come across kink/bdsm as a concept the people making this movie were/the showrunners have got to be in order to not see a sexual subtext to those words). 

Which leaves... Silver. Obviously.

Silver isn’t really asking Daniel to pour his desire and devotion into karate

He’s telling him to desire and be devoted to him, right? He wants to destroy Daniel and he wants him to thank him for it (textually).

And okay, we’re still without the sexual subtext for the moment, that still makes more sense as a reading, because Silver is trying to make Daniel submit to him/trying to own Daniel (this from the titles from the soundtrack) and to do that Daniel has to give over to him completely. Not to the nebulous concept of karate, which he already practises, but to Silver as his teacher/mentor, which again, explicit in the way Silver bullies/coerces him into dropping Miyagi-do teachings.

which Daniel then at the last moment doesn’t do - he doesn’t give himself over/give his desire and devotion wholly to him, hence Silver’s heel-turn, impulsive beating up of him, when the original plan was to wait for the tournament (I’m giving this movie too much credit, indulge me). We all wonder what would have happened if Daniel had just continued down this path.. a different kind of destruction, for sure

Queercoding hat back on (*phew*):

Once you’ve put “desire” and “devotion” into the context of a person, it’s that much harder to argue that there isn’t at least subtext in that phrasing, regardless of gender. 

And once you’ve agreed that karate is a metaphor for all kinds of things in this verse, then adding that sexual component - specifically as a corruption of everything that draws Daniel to karate in the first place - and the fact that it’s a man enacting this onto a boy riiight on the cusp of manhood...

Terry Silver is grooming Daniel, is what I’m saying here. 

Again, nothing new, but since he’s the dark side to everything that Daniel already feels... reading Daniel as bisexual is just... it’s a very in-your-face read (if you’ve got a swanky queercoding hat on)

And here comes the obligatory “if this were a man and a girl it’d be so much more obvious” disclaimer (Terry Silver tells “Danielle” to desire him... horrifying, very sexual...), but you really do wonder, what possible other read can come out of this just because Daniel’s a boy

Boys can’t be groomed, I...?

I just

I need to know what other alternative reading there can be, what is, say, a heterosexual cisgender audience member who, let’s say, is familiar with tropes, but who’s never heard of queercoding before going to get out of that? 

He’s giving Daniel Discipline (textually), so that Daniel can enact his Desire and Devotion onto him. He is teaching Daniel how to show his desire and devotion to him!

this is

can somebody give me a possible alternate reading of this. I’m thinking there’s got to be something that I’ve missed, because this is barely even a read, this is like.

the shallow end of the pool, this is picking up a glaringly shiny seashell of information right where the tide hits the beach on which it says: An adult man tricks a young boy to meet him after dark without his parental figure knowing and hurts and manipulates him, while convincing him that he has the boy’s best interests at heart.

And the words he uses to convince the boy to trust him are Desire, Devotion, Discipline

it’s not very subtle

anyway, give me alternative reads of this, I want them, silly and serious, I want to know what the cisgender, heterosexual, non-kinky (or ever heard of kink) viewer component might be thinking at that moment

[kitkatopinions]

Every ‘this was planned from the beginning’ from the RWBY writers/cast or the toxic megafans of the show just makes me doubt even more that MKEK ever had much plan.

I believe they had a concept, I believe they had a thought dump, and I believe they knew Salem and Oz were both immortal beings that had a long history together and that Ruby would have magical powers tied to her silver eyes. And that is it.

I would believe that Bumblebee was a concept that was floated, possibly by Blake or Yang’s VAs, but not taken very seriously until they realized it might be profitable to code them as gay without confirmation for years. I absolutely don’t believe that Bumblebee was always end game from the very start and was considered the plan throughout the whole of RWBY’s run time. I would believe that ‘Ironwood should be a bad guy maybe’ was floated near the start of his conception and that ‘Salem and Cinder don’t pay him much attention’ was stuck in their thought dump. I don’t believe that all throughout all their writing for Ironwood, they had a clear and well thought out plan of exactly what would happen with him or even that they intended throughout his writing that he would be bad the entire time. I would believe that they had a few things on the table for a long time, like ‘Atlas falling’ or ‘Emerald redemption possibly,’ that they considered doing at any point, but I seriously just can’t believe that these writers have had a clear, concise, well thought out plotline that they’ve kept in mind and followed throughout the whole of RWBY. I can’t believe it because things like the Maidens that are central to the plot of RWBY were late additions, because they didn’t have any clue what to do with the incredibly important to the plot Relics until they had to and fudged their way through it, because they had planned for volume eight to have Ruby actually be there in the Whale and fight Salem and then they just didn’t do that, because characters like Neo and Robyn were late additions, because there was no sign of Blake’s parents or Ilia’s existences until season four, and so on and so forth. It’s pretty freaking clear to me that these writers have been flying by the seat of their pants for a long time now.

And the funny thing is, people act like it’s some massive insult when we say that we don’t think there was a lot of planning involved in this show, but I consider it a much bigger insult to the writers to say that they’d planned everything from the start and were trying to keep it in mind the whole time while they wrote with a clear and detailed outline. I’m looking at badly painted pictures in one collection and going ‘well, they didn’t have a lot of time to make these that good, they painted them in a hurry,’ and someone is telling me ‘actually, they’ve been working on these paintings for years and every brushstroke was carefully planned.’ I think that RWBY isn’t well done. I’m not going to think it’s done any better if someone tells me that everything that I don’t like about it and everything bad about it was all something done on purpose that was planned from the very beginning. All it does is make me think the show is even worse and the writers are even worse.

On top of me not believing that the majority of RWBY was planned from the beginning, I don’t want to believe that the majority of RWBY was planned from the beginning. Because believe it or not, I’d actually like to enjoy some aspects of this show, and it’s much easier to do that if I think the writers were in ‘fly by the seat of our pants,’ ‘making this up as we go,’ ‘we don’t know how to paint but isn’t this pretty good for amateurs’  mode even if by now they should be better than that. It’s really hard to enjoy anything these writers do or any element of RWBY if I think the writers were in ‘aren’t we so great, look at our well thought out and meticulously planned finished product that went through all the extra spit and polish’ while I’m looking at a badly painted picture. Because that makes me think much less of the writers than I already do.

[awritingtree]

Never Enough (2/7)

Sirius Black x daughter!reader

Summary: Y/N Black is back at Hogwarts after running away from her father’s, Sirius Black’s, house during the summer. The year passes by and soon it’s the end of the year, with the OWLS finished. What happens when she finds out that her father was captured by Voldemort?

Words: ~2.5k

Warnings: angst, shitty father-daughter relationship, self-deprecating thoughts.

A/N: I KNOW! I KNOW! I KNOW! I know there isn’t a lot of Sirius x reader interactions in this chapter. There are some indirect interactions - or lack of. But I felt it was important to have this chapter and not skip a whole year from the summer to the end of 5th year. It also allowed to me to give more insight into the reader’s feelings. And I realize some parts seem rushed but like they aren’t really that important so... This chapter was important for the entire plot I have planned because we all know what’s coming in the next chapter :) Anyways I hope you enjoy this filler chapter in the mean time xx

Series Masterlist

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The rest of your enjoyable summer back home with the Tonks flashed by and the next thing you knew, you were boarding the Hogwarts Express on September 1st. The return to Hogwarts was accompanied by a change in season, the green leaves changing colours ranging from red to orange to yellow; falling, leaving the trees bare. Following autumn came winter, which passed by just as fast. The grounds covered in soft snow, crunching beneath the feet of the various students making their way in and out of the castle.

Christmas arrived sooner than you’d thought. The white layer made the world look so pure, so peaceful. You had opted out of going home for Christmas. Any chance of actually staying home would be impossible with the Order of the Phoenix still in place at 12 Grimmauld Place. Since you hadn’t returned, you had sent Mr. Weasley a get-well-soon present on top of his Christmas gift.

So instead you had spent the holidays at Hogwarts in the company of your Slytherin friends, spending your days reading, enjoying the grand feasts in the Great Hall and catching up on some much-needed sleep. You had expected a gift, but you were left disappointed as you saw the only presents lying at the foot of your bed were from the Tonks, Ginny, Hermione, Mrs. Weasley and your Slytherin friends. Lying in bed that night, your memories took you to a time somewhere around the beginning of November.

“Ew! Could you maybe consider showering before deciding to show up in public?” Parkinson’s whiny voice entered your ears as you ventured into the Great Hall on a Saturday morning.

Your broomstick was tucked in your underarm as you tied off one end of your French-braided hair. You wore your green and silver quidditch uniform messily, having rushed out of bed from waking up late. You had decided not to take a shower beforehand, knowing you’d get filthy all over again in a matter of a few hours. The sleepiness was still visible on your face, eyes drooping with weariness.

“Piss off Parkinson. Go drool over Draco elsewhere if my appearance is bothering you so much,” you sneered, plopping down on the bench, pouring yourself some pumpkin juice.

The arrival of owls stopped Parkinson from cursing you out. You looked up to see a snowy owl make its way towards the Gryffindor table, dropping a letter into the hands of Harry Potter. Upon reading who had sent him a letter, Harry, Ron and Hermione quickly glanced your way before quickly looking away, huddling together to prevent anyone from reading whatever the letter entailed. You sighed looking down solemnly, knowing whose letter would elicit such a reaction from the trio. In this moment you had never hated the snake emblem across the area over your heart more.

You’d cried yourself to sleep that night. Not even the fact that Slytherin would finally have a chance to win the Quidditch House Cup, due to the banning of Gryffindor’s seeker and beaters, had cheered you up. 

Both of those nights you had cried yourself to sleep, beating yourself up for ever expecting, for hoping, that this time away from your father had him changing his opinion on you. You didn’t know why you still cared. You didn’t understand why you craved his love, why you hadn’t given up on having any kind of relationship with him. You didn’t know why you still cared - you shouldn’t. You hated yourself for caring; but a small part of you, the five-year old girl that cried, begging for a chance to go visit her father for a year, still existed. No matter how many times you repeatedly denied it to yourself, you seeked his approval, his love.

You had fallen asleep on both of those nights wondering what you could possibly do to be worthy of his love, wondering why you were never enough.

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Winter had come and gone in a jiffy. May brought sunshine, warmth and the blossoming of new life along with it. By now, the D.A. had been found and disbanded, the Inquisitorial squad was thriving off making every non-Slytherin’s life miserable - all because you, now, had a toad for a headmaster.

Your OWLs were coming up soon, pushing you to study more than you had ever before, distracting you from thinking about anything else.

“I don't understand why you talk to that blood traitor and mudblood.”

“Because they’re my friends, Draco,” you sighed, for what seemed like the millionth time, “And stop calling them that. It’s despicable.”

“You don’t need such friends. You have us,” he said, rolling his eyes.

“Oh, friends such as Parkinson, Crabbe, Goyle, and Zabini? I think I’m good,” you replied, scoffing.

Draco pulled you around to face him by your upper arm.

“I’m just trying to look out for you. These times, they aren’t the best. You don’t need to risk putting yourself in danger by associating with such...” he trailed off.

“Such what?” you prompted him, encouraging him to say something he’d regret. He stayed silent, staring at you, trying to say what he couldn’t out loud through his eyes, but your irritation didn’t allow you to see past his words.

“And I don’t need you to look out for me. I don’t need anyone to look for me! I can do that very well on my own, thank you. You’re not my brother,” you exclaimed, wrenching your hand out of his grip.

A series of emotions; hurt, anger, sadness; flashed across his face - gone before you could make anything of it. Your face softened as you realized what you’d said.

“Draco, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that,” you apologized immediately.

Draco moved out of the way just as you were about to lay our hand on his shoulder.

“No you’re right. I’m not your brother, Y/N,” spat Draco before softening his tone, “but I see you as my sister so I will continue to look out for you, no matter how you feel about it.”

He stormed away before you could get a second to respond, leaving you staring at the spot he’d previously occupied with a mixture of feelings.

⭑*•̩̩͙⊱••••✩••••̩̩͙⊰•*⭑

OWLs were finished. You couldn’t believe that you were finally done. Your plan was to set off towards the Black Lake right after your last exam, lie back in the grass with your eyes closed to soak up the warmth shining down on your face. You longed to hear the sound of overlapping water from the cool breeze lulling you into a state where for the first time since last year, you’d feel a sense of peace and quiet.

But it seemed the universe hated the idea of you relaxing, which is why you were currently in Umbridge’s - Umbitch as you liked to call her - with the rest of the Inquisitorial squad along with a few former D.A. members. You were all waiting on Professor Snape to make his way to office, upon Umbridge’s order request. In addition to the purrs of the many cat pictures hanging on the horrid pink walls, the office was filled with the sounds of D.A. members trying to pull away from the Inquisitorial Squad’s grips.

“You wanted to see me, Headmistress?” asked Professor Snape entering the room as he eyed the struggling students, unconcerned.

Umbridge stood up smiling widely, almost cynically, “Yes. I would like a bottle of Veritaserum. I wish to interrogate Mr. Potter here.”

“You used up the last of the Veritaserum I had on your previous interrogation with Potter. Surely you didn’t use it all?”

“I’m sure you can make some more,” Umbridge replied with an overly sweet smile that made you want to vomit from the sight of it.

“Unless you wish to poison him - I have the greatest sympathy if you do - I can’t help you, not until it’s ready after a month,” Professor Snape said as he looked towards Harry.

Harry’s face scrunched up, seeming to concentrate on communicating something to Snape but his attempt was futile.

“You’re on probation! You’re deliberately being unhelpful. Now get out of my office!” shrieked Umbridge.

Snape blankly looked at her unbothered before turning to head out of the door.

“He’s got Padfoot! He’s got Padfoot at the place where it’s hidden!”

You felt like you had just been drenched in ice cold water at Harry’s shouts.

‘He? Who is he? It had to be Voldemort. Who else could have Harry in such a terrified state? But no, it couldn’t be possible,’ you thought. 

Ginny’s wince brought you out of your spiralizing thoughts. You loosened your tightening grip on her hand, too panic-stricken to mutter an apology. Your wide eyes drifted from Harry to Professor Snape.

“Padfoot?” exclaimed Umbridge, “What is Padfoot? Where what is hidden? Snape, what do you know about this?”

Snape turned back around to face Harry. His face was unreadable. You just hoped he would get some help, that he understood what Harry was shouting about.

“I have no idea,” he drawled, “Potter is speaking nonsense.”

You watched him walk out the door. Your palms had started to shake and sweat, everything drowned out. The only thing you could concentrate on was Snape, hoping he would give away any sign that he understood, he was going to do something. For once it seemed the universe had your back because just before he shut the door, his eyes made contact with yours as he moved his head, his nod bare visible. Relief flowed through your nerves; help was on the way.

You tuned into the conversation when you heard Hermione’s shrieks, “No! Professor- that’s illegal.”

Umbridge paid no mind to Hermione, raising her wand at Harry. Your hands clenched around your wand, preparing to take any action if needed as Hermione tried to convince Umbridge to stop.

“What Cornelius doesn’t know won’t hurt him,” Umbridge said, “Cruc-”

“NO!” your shout was drowned out by Hermione’s.

“Harry, we- we have to tell her,” she cried.

“It seems little Miss Question-all is going to give us some answers! Go on, then,” said Umbridge, triumphantly.

You stared at Hermione questionably. What was she doing? She couldn’t tell that toad anything. The Ministry would surely get your father and then- you didn’t want to think what would happen if they got their hands on him.

“He was trying to speak to Professor Dumbledore,” Hermione said in between her cries.

You felt Ginny tense in your grip in surprise as you suppressed the urge to sigh out loud in relief. Your eyes drifted around the room trying to think of a way to get yourself out of this situation and to Professor Snape. You needed to find a way to leave and help. You think you heard Hermione tell Umbridge about some weapon Dumbledore left in the forbidden forest in between your racing thoughts. You found the perfect opportunity as Umbridge headed out the door with Hermione and Harry. As soon as their footsteps could no longer be heard, all hell broke loose.

Ron slammed his head back into Warrington’s nose. You let go of Ginny, moving to get Crabbe off of Neville Longbottom, as she moved to go help Luna.

“Stupefy!” you yelled, pointing your wand towards Crabbe. You rushed to Neville, crouching down next to him as he caught his breath, “You okay?”

Neville weakly nodded. Satisfied with his nod, you got up to go help the rest. You felt Draco look at you, betrayed that you were helping the others, right before Ginny got him with the Bat-Bogey Hex. You felt a curse fly by you, grazing your cheek as someone pushed you to the side. Blood trickled down your cheek, dripping down staining your robes.

“What in the bloody hell are you doing, Ginny!? She’s one of them!” yelled Ron.

“No she’s not. She-”

“What do you mean? You see that badge, right? You do remember when she was holding you hostage right now? How about all the time she spent trying to catch the D.A.?” he rambled.

Ginny rolled her eyes exasperated, “Oh stop being so dramatic and listen. She’s not one of them. She’s been helping us all along. Why do you think no one patrolled near the seventh-floor corridor on the days we had a D.A. meeting?”

Ron shifted his eyes from Ginny, whose cheek had long scratches much like yours, to you before returning back to his sister, “That’s a load of codswallop.”

“We don’t have the time for this; We need to get going,” you said, impatiently. You did not have the time to convince anyone on whose side you were on. Your father could be dead by now for all you knew, and you had no clue how quick the Order would be informed to make their way towards wherever he was captured.

Ron opened his mouth, preparing to spew out an argument, “I’m sorry. We-”

“Look. Voldemort has my father right now and Salazar knows what he’s doing to him. No matter what has happened, he is my father. And you are not as smart as I give you credit for if you for a second think, I am not coming with you lot.”

“She’s right. We should get going. We’re wasting time,” Neville spoke up.

Ron looked between Ginny, Neville and you before begrudgingly agreeing.

You all quickly made your way out of the castle and towards the Forbidden Forest. You bumped into Harry and Hermione on your way there.

“How’d you get away?” asked Harry, surprised.

“Couple of hexes. Neville threw a good Impediment Jinx. Though, Ginny was the best, she got Malfoy good with a Bat-Bogey Hex. Anyway, what’ve you done with Umbridge?” replied Ron.

“Carried away by a herd of centaurs.”

“They left you behind?” asked a shocked Ginny.

“No, they got chased off by Grawp.”

“Whose Grawp?” questioned Luna, intrigued.

“Hagrid’s little brother,” explained Hermione.

“Never mind that!” interrupted Ron, “What did you find out in the fire? Does You-Know-Who have Sirius or-?”

“Yes” said Harry, “I’m sure Sirius is still alive but I’m not sure how to get there to help him.”

Everyone fell silent, the situation looking hopeless.

“What’s she doing here?” Harry asked, his eyes finally landing on you.

“He’s my father, Harry. Did you really think I was going to let you go alone?” you said, raising an eyebrow in question.

“Why? It’s not like you’ve cared before,” he retaliated causing rage to consume you at his unfiltered and forward words.

‘How dare he say that? I haven’t cared!?’

You opened your mouth to rebuttal, ready to release your wrath on the boy looking at you accusingly before Luna chimed in, paying no attention to the tension in the air.

“Well, we’ll have to fly, won’t we?”

⭑*•̩̩͙⊱••••✩••••̩̩͙⊰•*⭑

General taglist: @heloisedaphnebrightmore @pregnant-piggy @approved-by-dentists @kashishwrites @remmyswritings @angelinathebook @idont-knowrn @coffee--writes @kinkyduuh @ickle-ronniekins

Never enough taglist: @evilluciferisevil @slyther-inn @bloodyxheaven @gcdric @mycobrakai1972 @loony-loopy-lupinn @the-mighty-bookworm @mads-bri @tessaem @hannah220506 @hariosborn @kpopgirlbtssvt

Lmk if you wanted to be added to either taglist :)

[captain--sif]

THE FIVE SENSES OF CHRISTMAS

Words: 2.1k Fandom: 9-1-1 (TV) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV) Characters: Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley, minor Fire Fam (9-1-1 TV) Additional Tags: Sensory prompts, Fluff, Fluff without Plot, Christmas, Holiday Fic Exchange, Christmas Party, Found Family, beta read by grammarly, Pre-Slash, Pre-Relationship, Karaoke Summary:

Eddie is late to a holiday gathering of the fire fam. He goes through the motions.

A/N: For @an-alternate-world as part of the Buddie Discord Secret Elf Gift Exchange 2020. I hope you had nice holidays and I’m wishing you a nice and happy new year.

Read the whole fic on AO3 or under the cut:

 THE SIGHTS OF CHRISTMAS

 They’re going to be late, Eddie realizes as he glances at the clock in the dashboard/panel behind the steering wheel. He hopes that they’ll be late enough that everyone is already deep in conversation or too engaged in their drinks, food, or the music to pay much attention to them entering, so he can just set down Chris with the other kids and silently slide onto the bench next to Buck who’ll greet him with a soft smile.

 Finally, he pulls up in front of the karaoke bar, taking note of the nicely decorated tree someone has put up next to the entrance. On the other side, they’ve put a giant blown-up Santa Claus and Eddie can’t help but shiver. It’s a nice idea that Chimney came up with, suggesting that they all get together at his and Maddie’s favorite karaoke bar for the Christmas themed family evening on their free day. He’s heard a lot of good things about it from Buck, who Eddie knows has been there with them already. Eddie just wishes he were in a better mood to enjoy it today. Which is one of the reasons why he’d like his team and their families not to pay too close attention to him.

 He sighs, putting his car into park and turning the key in the ignition. He turns back to look at Chris in the backseat. Seeing his son looking outside with excitement in his eyes lifts his mood a little. He hopes Chris has fun tonight, even if he doubts that’ll apply to himself.

 They have to pass the creepy Santa figure to get inside but once they do, Eddie finds that the decorations become a lot more tasteful. There are colorful lights, mostly, but also a few small Christmas trees in the corners. The music is turned lower in benefit of the children and the bar and the tables are lined with fir branches interspersed with ornaments in silver and red. Eddie likes it.

 Chris moves away from him, prompting him to do the same but not waiting on him. Eddie follows Chris’s line of sight and sure enough, they’re all there already, sitting, talking, eating, and drinking at one of the tables. Two, no, three tables, pushed together.

 It looks cozy, all of them huddled closely together on the chairs and benches surrounding the tables. Like a family, Eddie can’t help but think. It’s a thought he’s been having a lot lately. And he enjoys this little family that they made for themselves amongst the team.

 THE SOUNDS OF CHRISTMAS

 There’s still place on the bench right next to Buck. Eddie exhales in relief when he notices. Buck’s talking to Karen and Chimney but his eyes move through the room when he isn’t talking. Eddie doesn’t think they’re searching for something in particular but still, they lock onto Eddie’s as soon as they find them. Buck’s face breaks into a wide smile and he waves Eddie over to sit next to him. As if Eddie would choose to sit anywhere else.

 He slides into the free seat and gets their group's attention as soon as they realize that Buck’s focus has shifted away from their conversation.

 Chimney exclaims: “The lost son has returned!” the table erupting in laughter. It’s too much attention for the way Eddie is feeling today but Buck is still smiling at him, making it a lot more bearable.

 “You came just in time. Athena and Hen are taking the stage to sing.”

 Eddie lets his eyes wander across the room, taking note of the karaoke set up on the stage where, as Chimney said, Athena and Hen are picking up the microphones and getting ready to sing.

 The music starts to come out of the speakers and it only takes Eddie a few seconds to recognize it.

 “Is that      ‘Feliz Navidad’    ?”

 Buck laughs, letting his head fall onto Eddie’s shoulder. “Just wait what the others have chosen,” he murmurs in Eddie’s ear, careful that no one else hears it.

 “So bad?” Eddie can’t help the smile that spreads over his lips. He finds that Athena’s and Hen’s singing voices might actually be good if they weren’t spending most of the time trying not to laugh. It’s lifting Eddie’s mood considerably seeing the two of them goofing off on stage.

 “Not bad, just… you’ll see what I mean.” Buck nudges him with his leg. “You wanna order something in the meantime?”

 Eddie looks over to where Chris is sitting with the other kids and takes note of the full glass already in front of him.

 It seems nothing escapes Buck’s notice because he’s following Eddie’s line of sight and sighs, nudging him again. “Relax, they know not to serve the kids any alcohol.” He smiles. “Besides, he’s a responsible boy, he’ll probably only order soda the whole evening.”

 “That’s what I’m worried about.”

 Buck laughs again. “We’ll make him sing a few songs at the karaoke machine and once you leave you won’t even notice his sugar high anymore.”

 Eddie pretends to weigh the pros and cons of it but figures he can allow Chris an evening of way too sugary beverages.

 Buck reaches for the menu and sets it down in front of him. While Eddie is sifting through the options, the last few notes play and Athena and Hen are leaving the stage. They are greeted by cheers and whoops from their group, accompanied by a few laughs, most of all Hen herself. There’s the sound of rustling of coats and scarves and bags all around and Eddie thinks it’s too much to be just from the two of them sitting back down. Looking up, he manages to catch Maddie grabbing Chimney’s hand on their way to the other end of the bar.

 “Another one of ours?” Eddie directs towards Buck who only chuckles.

 Eddie contemplates if Buck is already tipsy or if he’s just happy today. He hopes it’s the latter and not all of it is due to selfish reasons like liking the sound of his laugh.

 Eddie doesn’t expect anything but a pretty good performance of the two of them after what he’s heard from Buck’s retellings but still, the performance blows him away. Their love and coordination translate directly to how their voices work together and harmonize. It’s obvious that they have some practice.

 The song on the other hand…

 “It’s very cliché,” Eddie admits just as Chimney’s belting “but this year I’ll give it to someone special”.

 “Isn’t it a breakup song though?”

 Karen snorts.

 “Don’t say that so loud,” Buck says, barely containing his grin, “and don’t tell them.”

 Eddie motions zipping his lips.

 “I thought it was about finding new love after a breakup,” Karen chimes in, “and that’s rather fitting, isn’t it?”

 Buck points a finger at Karen like she’s made a good point. Which she has, Eddie must admit. It      does     seem rather fitting when you look at it that way.

 THE SMELLS OF CHRISTMAS

 He takes note of the menu that’s still in front of him. He’s skimming through the options again, just as clueless about what to get as he was before.

 “What are you drinking?” he finally asks Buck.

 “Oh, mulled wine,” Buck slides his mug over, “you can try some.”

 Eddie lifts the mug. Long before it touches his lips, he’s already assaulted by the smell of cloves, orange, and cinnamon above the slightly acidic smell of wine. It smells good, and once he nips at it, it tastes just as well, but he knows he won’t drink any more of it.

 “Oh, you need to drive,” Buck remembers, pulling the mug back. “Apparently the hot chocolate is not too bad here, if you want something festive.”

 Eddie nods. “Sounds good.”

 Just then, a waiter comes up to their table, leaving a few platters of food behind. It smells delicious, and Eddie’s thinking of getting something to eat too. But he’ll ask Chris about it first. For now, he merely catches the waiter before he leaves and asks him if he can order a drink.

 Buck digs into his own plate, as do all those who have ordered food. It’s quieter once half of their table is eating, but the conversation is still lively and Eddie notices that he doesn’t mind any longer. They’re his family, and even if he arrived not feeling well, he enjoys their company enough to be in a slightly less foul mood.

 THE TASTES OF CHRISTMAS

 “You want some?” Buck asks and lifts his fork in Eddie’s direction.

 It’s instinct, really, nothing he actively thinks about when he opens his mouth and bites into the brown mass sticking to Buck’s fork. The chocolate is melting on his tongue, sweet and soft. Eddie wants to ask for more until his brain catches up.

 “Is that fudge?”

 Buck grins.

 “You eat fudge with a fork?”

 Buck’s brows furrow in confusion and it’s cute. Eddie stifles a laugh.

 He feels like Buck would follow this up with a remark of his own if the waiter hadn’t interrupted them by bringing Eddie’s mug. If he were at home he would’ve put more marshmallows than he got but it’s still enough to melt into the cocoa and alter the taste. There’s a hint of cinnamon too. After taking a few sips of his own, he dutifully slides it over to Buck. It’s only fair after Buck shared his own with him.

 “Mhm,” Buck sighs, “it really is good.”

 “Don’t finish my drink. Leave some for me.”

 Buck turns to him with a twinkle in his eyes.

 But Eddie doesn’t get to hear what he meant to say, for Chris appears on his other side with a question on his lips.

 “I forgot my bag in the car.”

 Ok, it’s not exactly a question, but Eddie still hears it loud and clear.

 “I’ll get it for you, mijo,” he says, already reaching for his coat.

 “I’m coming with you,” Buck joins in and sure enough, he follows Eddie when he excuses himself from the table and soon the two of them find themselves outside of the bar.

 THE TOUCH OF CHRISTMAS

 The air is still as cold as it was when they arrived earlier, sending a chill through Eddie despite the fact he's wearing a coat. It annoys him that he even has to wear one at all.

 “You think we’ll have some snow this year?” he can’t help but ask.

 Buck shrugs. “None that would stay on the ground.”

 “Hm.” Eddie clicks his car keys. “Chris would love it anyway. And if it doesn’t stay on the ground, even better. That would be a rough shift.”

 Buck laughs, leaning onto the top of the car door once Eddie opens it. “Can you imagine working somewhere up north like New York?”

 "Work would be hell during winter,” Eddie agrees. He grabs Chris’ backpack from between the seats and goes to close the door again. The metal feels icy. He clicks his keys again before looking up at Buck expectantly. There’s something weird happening on Buck’s face, Eddie can tell.

 “Are we missing another performance?” he asks instead, neither of them leaving their place.

 At that, Buck comes alive again, scratching his neck. “I’m not sure. I lost track.”

 “Did you sing already?”

 “Why?” A dangerous glint appears in Buck’s eyes, “you wanna sing with me?”

 “No,” Eddie laughs, “I’d rather leave with my dignity still intact.”

 “Come on, Eddie. We’re gonna sing ‘Baby it’s cold outside’ and you can let out all your frustration over the cold weather.”

 Eddie levels him with a glare but he feels that he doesn’t quite mean it. And Buck knows it if the grin on his face is any indication.

 “I’m not frustrated with the cold weather,” Eddie deflects, “and that’s not what that song is about.”

 Buck smirks. “So what song would you rather we sing? ‘Driving home for Christmas'? ‘Santa Baby’? But we’re not singing the ‘Santa Buddy’ version.”

 “Oh God no,” Eddie groans, “none of them. What about ‘All I want for Christmas is You’?”

 Buck gapes at him. “That’s your choice?”

 Eddie shrugs.

 “I thought ‘Baby it’s cold outside’ was too romantic for you, and you’re choosing ‘All I want for Christmas is You’?”

 Eddie smiles. “I don’t mind.”

 He starts to move back towards the bar but when Buck doesn’t seem to follow him, he grabs Buck’s hand. It’s cold, and Eddie might be frustrated with the cold weather after all. But this time Buck follows him back inside.

[tams-writeblr]

Once I’m gone

Rating: M(ature) Warnings: major character death Category: F/M (main couple), Multi (side characters) Fandom: Attack on Titan / Shingeki no Kyojin Relationship: Mikasa Ackermann / Eren Jaeger | various side couples Characters: Eren Jaeger, Mikasa Ackermann, Armin Arlelt, Zeke Jaeger, Hange Zoe, Floch Forster, Ymir, Reiner Braun, Pieck Finger, Historia Reiss, several others will make a cameo Additional Tags: Modern AU | established relationship | toxic behaviour | Eren suffers from Huntington’s disease and tries to settle his matters before he dies | suicial blockhead Eren | aged up characters (by ten years) | suicide tw | depression tw | mental diseases tw | deathly diseases tw | this is clearly not write what you know, but I’m giving my very best to representate the topics as good as I can | this all basically came to me as a fever dream | you remember Thirteen from House, M.D.? I still have a huge crush on her so this version of Eren is greatly inspired by her <3 Language: English (not native, I’m trying my best you guys) Stats: ongoing - Chapter 1/15 - Part 1/4 - 435 of 3652 words Summary: Eren Jaeger knew for years that he inherited Huntington's disease from his late mother. When he first notices symptoms on him, his long protected plan, to end his life before reaching the critical state of his illness,  awakes. But there is still Mikasa, his girlfriend and the only person in the world he cares about more than about himself, and he can't leave her alone and grieving. It's time to find a substitute for when Eren is gone. With the help of a new friend Eren tries to scare away Mikasa while driving her into the arms of someone new.

__________________________________________________

It is folly says sanity It is what it is says love

It is disaster says strategy It is nothing but pain says fear It is in vain says intelligence It is what it is says love

It is ridiculous says pride It is reckless says prudence It is impossible says experience It is what it is says love

Erich Fried (crappy translation by me, if there’s an official one, please let me know)

Charlatans and Pills - Part 1/4

It was the simple twitching of his left hand that threw Eren’s whole world off the tracks. He’s been shaving, pulling his cheek downwards with his left hand, when the latter, in the second that the razorblade touched his cheek, refused to work and twitched involuntarily. Now a red runlet formed on his cheek but the young man didn’t even notice it. The glance of his intense, green eyes was glued to his left palm, big and wiry with groomed nails and a wide, silver ring on his middle finger. Now it moved completely normal, did everything its owner wanted it to, opened and closed itself, ring- and little finger could be splayed out from the others, he gave himself the finger. And yet, he hadn’t made it up. The bleeding cut on his cheek was proof enough. It had started, the beginning of the end.

He felt nauseous and deeply leaned over the sink, a puddle of soapy water with some shaved off hairs of his beard mixed with several drops of blood. Taking deep breaths he tried to calm himself down. Maybe he had made it up? He was way too young. On the other hand he wouldn’t be the first one to have their first symptoms in their twenties. How long had his mother struggled with them before even seeing a doctor? He had breathed away the sickness a bit and looked at his reflection.

A handsome young man looked back at him. Medium-length dark brown Hair, thick, expressive eyebrows, that were pulled into a frown and those stunning green eyes that he had inherited from his father. His left cheek twitched. Only because of the cut, that was still bleeding and that just now started to hurt. Right? Who was he trying to fool? He knew the truth. It had started, soon it would be over, his wonderful, ordinary life would be over. His big hands crashed into his face, grimacing over the bloodcurdling cry that left his throat.

Blindfolded Eren stumbled against the shower stall and slid to the ground pressed against it while thick tears mixed with the blood on his cheek made his hands sticky. How must she have felt back in the day?

                                                                                >>next

__________________________________________________ Autor’s Note: Hi! *waves shyly* How ya doin’? I’m super nervous to post this. Please don’t hate me for the small crumb I just threw at you xD this is just the first scene and the next ones will be slightly longer. I love Eremika but I also love hurting myself and so this tragic love story was born. It’s basically aot’s plot in a modern setting and without titans but with nearly the same outcome. So if you’re only here for Eremika fluff, I recommend not reading past chapter six or seven. Hope there’ll still be people interested in my writing. I plan on also posting on ao3 and will let you know once it’s there. Please let me know, if you wanna be added to a tag list. Thanks for reading!

[askkrenko]

Krenko’s Guide to Pokemon: Mr. Line

“If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody is around to hear it, and it hits a mime, does anyone care?” ~ Gary Larson

DESIGN

Mime Jr.’s actually pretty cute, looking like a tiny little silly clown. The design is a bit generic but also very effective, making it a creature with just enough clown parts so that you know it’s a clown without so many clown parts to look terrifying. It also manages to look a lot like one of those clown-faced ice creams you can get at some places, where the cone is upside down as a hat. The point is, Mime Jr. is a small, cute pokemon that works perfectly fine.

Next is “Kantonian” Mr. Mime, and I put that in quotes because this Pokemon isn’t actually Kantonian. As with Farfetch’d, Mr. Mime is called Kantonian because that’s the first region we as players could get it, but the only ones available in Kanto outside of Let’s Go are either from trades or from the game counter, plus a very tiny amount that appear in the grass patch south of Pallet Town in Gold and Silver but not Red and Blue, implying that someone in Pallet Town has been breeding and releasing Mr. Mimes, and I’m not going to say who, but we all know these Mimes are a certain protagonist’s half-siblings, don’t we?

So where is Mr. Mime from? Well, we’ve established that the first Mr. Mime we met, Marcel, didn’t come from Kanto, and there’s no Mr. Mime in Johto, Hoenn, or Unova. Alola’s a weird one, as they don’t appear in Sun and Moon but they do appear in both Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon. Still, they’re only in one location and Alola is known for having many imported Pokemon.  Sinnoh’s a possibility- while the Trophy Garden is clearly cultivated, Mr. Mime and Mime Jr. both appear in the wild in Diamond (but not Pearl). Still, I think the actual natural habitat of this Mr. Mime is the Reflection Cave in Kalos. Not only would a mime Pokemon make the most sense in the Kalos region, but it’d make far more sense for it to be living in a hall of mirrors than simply wandering grasslands as it does in Diamond. Further, this is in much closer proximity to the Galar Region, where Mime Jr.s and Galarian Mr. Mimes wander freely.  Thus, for the rest of this article I’m going to refer to this creature as Kalosian Mr. Mime.

And Kalosian Mr. Mime is terrifying. This thing is so Uncanny Valley that it goes down to becoming some sort of Uncanny Trench where light vanishes and there’s no hope for escape. It has all the most terrifying aspects of a clown, with a vaguely human form that isn’t quite right, hair that resembles horns, and an uncomfortably close relationship with your mother. Its bright coloration and curly feet are just sort of haunting, giving the illusion that it’s wearing clothes while in actuality that’s all just part of it’s horrible, horrible body.

In contrast, Galarian Mr. Mime is much friendlier looking. The pants help a lot, but so do the big gloves and the nose. It looks less like a monster and more like a cartoony man, and while it’s still weird to see a Pokemon that’s so humanlike, this version doesn’t feel inherently wrong and unsettling. Much better design here, unless the goal is to freak people out. That said, I just don’t buy this as an evolved form of Mime Jr. Galar really needed a Galarian Mime Jr. to finish the set, because as is Mime Jr. turning into Galarian form in Galar and Kalosian form anywhere else just feels off.  The other weird thing is that Galarian Mr. Mime, with its new focus on tapdance, doesn’t still feel like it should be called Mr. Mime. It’s something I complain about a lot with alternate forms, but if a creature’s called Mr. Mime it should be miming, not dancing, and if a creature’s called Sandshrew it should be sand based. 

Visually, I love Mr. Rime. He’s got all the charm of Galarian Mr. Mime but now has a silly hat and an ice cane. He also gets the red bubble on his stomach back from being a Mime Jr. which makes me question why Galarian Mr. Mime doesn’t have it. Mime Jr. links fine to Mr. Rime, but through features lost along the way, like its hat and its big red poofs. Mr. Rime is also clearly Charlie Chaplin, and I love the pun of its name in that it’s both Rime and Rhyme.

EVOLUTIONS:

Oh god this line is a mess.

First we get Mime Jr, which has first form starter stats, but evolves when knowing the move Mimic. With no TM or TR, Mime Jr. learns Mimic at 32, finally evolving into a Pokemon whose stat total is still a bit small for a final form. If it’s not in Galar, it stays a Psychic/Fairy type. If it is in Galar, it becomes a Psychic/Ice type, which then evolves again at 42 into something that’s not actually that big a boost over its previous for, making Galarian Mr. Mime a good user of the Eviolite.

And then Mime Jr. is an incense baby, so if you breed two Mr. Mimes (and you can because despite the name half are female) you get a Mr. Mime if you’re not using incense. This is a stupid mechanic that they need to get rid of. 

As with Farfetch’d, the fact that the original doesn’t get a new evolution while the regional form does bothers me, because it doesn’t do anything to bring the original back into playability, it just gives us a new different Pokemon that makes the original less relevant.

I will say Mime Jr. was a good addition. While some baby Pokemon are a waste of time, Mime Jr.’s actually a really solid early-game Pokemon, and Mr. Mime’s strong enough that it shouldn’t be appearing until mid to late game anyway. Adding Mime Jr. adds a lot of playability to this line in PVE.

Art by Zerochan923600

TYPING:

Kalosian Mr. Mime spent a lot of time as a Psychic type until we actually went to Kalos and found out it was a Psychic/Fairy type this whole time. Defensively, this is decent. It only has three weaknesses, and while it only has three ‘resistances,’ one of them’s a double and one of them’s an immunity. Offensively, it’s super-effective against four types and neither type works well against Steel… but that’s Steel, and most things don’t work well against Steel.

Galarian Mr. Mime and Mr. Rime are Ice/Psychic types, with their only competition in that type combination being Jynx and the legendary Ice Rider Calyrex. Defensively, this is a really bad combination, with six weaknesses and only two resistances- Ice and Psychic themselves. Offensively, this gives super-effective options against six types with only Steel as a shared resistance. 

Art by DarkraiLady

STATS

Kalosian Mr. Mime has a whopping 120 Special Defense, but a mere 40 HP, seriously inhibiting its ability to actually tank, and only 65 physical defense. It’s 100 Special Attack is respectable, but Speed 90 isn’t really enough to make a sweeper out of it,  even with Nasty Plot.

Galarian Mr. Mime balances its stats a bit, trading Special Attack and Special Defense for a bit more HP and Speed, but the only thing here that really works out in its favor is that it can equip an Eviolite, turning it into an actual defensive Pokemon, albeit one that still has poorer HP than most. 

Mr. Rime brings up most of its stats as evolutions do, but weirdly drops its speed from 100 to 70. It manages to be more defensive than average post-evolution, but its key stat becomes its 110 Special Attack. Overall, its stats are fine, able to dish out hits and take them, and its worst stats are only a bit below average.

Singin’ in the Snow by Pizapioart

ABILITIES

Kalosian Mr. Mime and Galarian Mr. Mime have entirely different abilities, with Mr. Rime having another.

Like Electrode, Kalosian Mr. Mime can get Soundproof, and there’s plenty of Sound based attacks out there, making this a decent defensive option. This improves in 2v2 where you can pair it with Boomburst.

Filter, a near-Signature ability of Mr. Mime, is another powerful defensive option, reducing the damage of supereffective moves from 2x to 1.5x. As you can reasonably expect most opponents to have Poison, Steel, or Ghost moves somewhere in their lineup, you really can’t go wrong with this.

Technician increases the power of any of Mr. Mime’s moves of 60 power or less by 50%, and in theory this is a good ability, but Mr. Mime just learns all the good moves anyway. There’s no reason to use a Technician’d Confusion when you can learn Psychic, or a Technician’d Magical Leaf when you can learn Energy Ball. Skipping this should be easy, because it’s Mr. Mime’s Hidden Ability.

Galarian Mr. Mime (but not Mr. Rime) gets Vital Spirit, which grants immunity to sleep. This is fine and usable and plenty of enemies will try and put you to sleep, but this isn’t the reason you’d be using this Pokemon.

Mr. Rime gets Tangled Feet, which is a garbage ability for garbage Pokemon. Nobody needs raised evasion when confused, what they need is to not be confused.

Ice Body, hidden ability of Galarian Mr. Mime and Mr. Rime, causes a Pokemon to heal in Hail. Of course, every Pokemon that can get this, other than the not-fully-evolved Seel, takes no damage in Hail anyway, and it really takes a fully defensive playstyle to worry about using your ability on sometimes healing 1/16th max HP a turn. There are ways to build Mr. Rime for this, but it’ll involve other Poekmon on your team setting up the Hail and wanting it, too.

Besides, Galarian Mr. Mime and Mr. Rime have the signature ability “Screen Cleaner” which negates Reflect, Light Screen, and Aurora Veil upon switching in. This ability is honestly the best reason to use these Pokemon, more than anything they’ll actually do once on the field. Any ability that has an effect on switch in tends to be good, because as long as it’s something you wanted done, you basically just got a free action. 

Art by  PeregrineJazmin, formerly Retkikosmos

MOVES:

Psychic and Psyshock are both great options for your primary attack form. Psychic is a bit bigger, but as you’ll have a special move of your other element to fall back on, Psyshock adds a bit more versatility.

Kalosian Mr. Mime’s only Fairy attack is Dazzling Gleam so you take Dazzling Gleam. Galarian Mr. Mime/Mr. Rime gets your choice of Ice Beam, Blizzard, or Freeze-Dry. Freeze Dry has the drawback of being weaker most of the time, but extra strong against Water Types, which are rather common. Blizzard is more likely to outright end something, but without Hail its accuracy is rather poor.

Coverage options are pretty wide for the mimes. Thunderbolt, Energy Ball, Shadow Ball, and Focus Blast are available to both, with that last one being super effective against the Steel types that resist Psychic, Fairy, and Ice. 

If you think you’ll get a moment to build up, Nasty Plot is always a great move, as is the more defensive Calm Mind.

Mr. Rime gets two particularly interesting options: it can Rapid Spin, which combines well with Screen Cleaner to reset the field, and it can learn Slack Off, the normal type equivalent of Recover. 

The Mime family’s move pools are actually rather deep, and there’s plenty more options in there, like Hypnosis, Reflect and Light Screen, Baton Pass, Iron Defense, Stored Power, and, via older gens, Healing Wish.

Art by albrt-wlson, which I have to assume is short for Albert Wilson, but might actually be Alberta Walesong.

OVERALL:

I love to hate Mr. Mime, though overall the whole family winds up in the range of ‘fine.’ Mr. Rime’s speed loss is its biggest hit, but other than that there’s a lot of good stuff it can do, especially with both Screen Cleaner and Rapid Spin.  Having below average speed on a Pokemon with so many weaknesses is a problem, but with such a strong variety of moves there’s a lot that can make up for it.

Kalosian Mr. Mime, unfortunately, really needs that stat boost that Mr. Rime got or the ability to use Eviolite like Galarian Mr. Mime, and it just doesn’t have either. 

The other thing that really bugs me about Kalosian Mr. Mime is its abilities or lack thereof. In flavor, Mr. Mime is THE Barrier Pokemon. Reflect and Light Screen are supposed to be what it does better than anyone else… but it just isn’t. Sure, Soundproof, Filter, and Technician are interesting, but I’d have loved to see Mr. Mime have something like Prankster or an ability that mimicked Light Clay, anything to say ‘this is the Pokemon that is best at Reflect.’ Honestly it’s a problem I see in the game a lot, a Pokemon having a specifically mentioned ability or a clear signature move that the Pokemon just has no reason to use. At least Mr. Rime clearly wants to use Teeter Dance with Tangled Feet, even if that strategy isn’t a strong one.

It just really bugs me when a Pokemon isn’t good at what it’s supposed to do, even if it’s good in other ways.

[michelles-garden-of-evil]

Ian Martin’s Strange Paradise, Part I: The Top 5 Best Things

SPOILERS FOR LATE MALJARDIN AND BOTH DESMOND HALL ARCS

Hello and welcome again to my Garden of Evil, where this week I’m doing something a little different. Episode 44 having marked the departure of co-creator and original headwriter Ian Martin, we have officially reached the end of an era of Strange Paradise history. No longer will discussions and speculation on Martin’s authorial intent be relevant to the happenings on this show (although I will continue to give my thoughts on the Lost Episode summaries), now that Bob Costello is running the show with a different authorial intent.

Ian Martin’s episodes contrast with the second half of Maljardin in many ways. The pace is slower, the structure and characterizations more like those of a standard soap, and the tone at times borders on comedy. He also appears to have put more thought into the characters’ backstories than any of the other writers, much of which he never got the chance to show on screen. Moreover, of all the show’s writers, he seems to have put the most of his own heart and soul into it, if the death of his first wife six years earlier and his reuse of elements from the series in his later works are any indication.

That brings me to my plans for this week in my Garden of Evil. Before moving on to review Episode 45, I will post my final thoughts on his episodes, first listing what I consider the top five best things about his period headwriting the show. Next, I will make another of the top five worst things about the first 8.8 weeks of Maljardin (because no creative work is perfect). So without further ado, here are (in my not-so-humble opinion) the top five best things about Ian Martin’s Strange Paradise:

5. Clever, memorable dialogue and (sometimes) clever wordplay 

I say “sometimes,” because (as we all know) Jacques loves his puns and Devil jokes, which tend to be as cornball as they come. The (intentional) humor in Ian Martin’s dialogue tends to be hit or miss, but when it hits, it hits harder than the chandelier hit the séance table. Even when the jokes miss, it’s clear that he tried hard to make the show both funny and scary, and some of the worse ones still amuse me in a dad-joke sort of way.

Some jokes from SP that I find genuinely funny:

Jacques: “‘Prisoners’ is such a harsh word, Alison. Now, actually, I prefer the [terminology] ‘detained guests.’“ (Episode 14)

Alison: “I find you and everything you’ve done distasteful and revolting." Jacques: "Methinks the lady doth detest too much." (same)

"I wish my mother was on canvas instead of always on my back.” (Holly, Episode 18)

Dan: "Knowing how much you loved Erica, I can appreciate your display of courage." Jacques: "It was either that or letting myself go to the Devil!" (same)

Jacques: “Such a delightful bedside manner. Why not let her operate?” (Episode 21)

Jacques: “If your room is a prison cell and you are a prisoner, well, I invite you to your last hearty meal.” (same)

Holly: "Would you like to see my scars?" Jacques: "Well, lead us not into temptation...now, that isn't from Shakespeare, is it?" (Episode 25)

Elizabeth: “It seems to be your opportunity to entertain, Reverend. May I suggest Song of Solomon?” (Episode 40)

Also, some things that aren’t jokes per se, but still clever wordplay:

Matt’s name, a reference to the Tarot card The Fool, or Le Mat in French.

Jacques: "Well, Dan, are you going to join me in some kippers this morning, or haven't you finished fishing for the day?" Dan: "Just lowering the line, and I'm afraid you're going to get hooked." (Episode 26)

The whole kippers thing from the same episode.

The scene transition lines.

Two things that Curt pointed out to me a while back: the recurring “little bird” motif and the fact that Jacques, who was “shackled to the Temple” for three centuries was also shackled through the temples with the silver pin. (Thanks!)

Of the later writers, Cornelius Crane (who will write the last two weeks of Maljardin and most of Desmond Hall Arc I) will be the only other to consistently use humor in his SP scripts. His will be a different style of humor, lighter on wordplay and heavier on wit, satire, and snark between characters, in many ways reminiscent of my favorite Dark Shadows writer Violet Welles. While the style of humor in Crane’s episodes has generally aged better, I can’t deny the cleverness and charm in the lines quoted above.

4. A more complex story than later arcs

Compared to all other arcs of the show, early Maljardin has, by far, the most subplots. You have (1) the main plot that revolves around Jean Paul’s attempts to preserve and resurrect Erica, which leads to his desperate attempts to protect the cryonics capsule, Jacques’ freedom and repeated possessions, and Raxl and Quito’s search for the conjure doll and silver pin. Directly connected to this are (2) Jacques’ murder of Dr. Menkin, (3) Alison and Dan’s search for the true cause of Erica’s death and for Dr. Menkin’s missing notes, and (4) the love triangle/square between Dan, Alison, and Jean Paul/Jacques. Then you have the four interconnected plots directly involving Holly, including (5) her romantic pursuit by Matt, Tim, Jacques, and Quito; (6) her conflicts with Elizabeth including direct competition over Jean Paul/Jacques; (7) her torment by Erica’s spirit; and (8) Tim’s subplot about the damned Holly portrait. Then there are (9) the saga of the missing cyanide and (10) the guests’ resistance to Jean Paul’s imprisonment of them on the island. In addition to these, we have (11) the history of Jacques, which may have included innumerable subplots of its own had Ian Martin been allowed to explore it thoroughly. We know that Jacques’ pursuit of Alison and Elizabeth would have connected to this, given their previous incarnations as Rahua and Tarasca, and that Martin originally planned for Tarasca to have her own storyline. If we include the aborted arc about Elizabeth’s possession by Tarasca, that would have made a whopping twelve subplots(!), unless I’m forgetting about something.

For comparison, here are the major subplots from Desmond Hall, during the period when Cornelius Crane did most of the writing: (1) Jean Paul’s possession by the Mark of Death; (2) the coven’s schemes to undermine the Desmond family, which led to the disappearance of Philip Desmond; (3) the Evil Serpent plotline; (4) the Hamlet subplot involving Cort’s conflicts with his mother and dear stepfather; (5) the love triangle of Cort, Holly, and Philip’s ghost; (6) the second love triangle of Ada, Laslo, and Irene; (7) all of Jean Paul’s romantic entanglements; and (8) the attempted possession of his fiancée Helena by Erica. That’s still a lot of intersecting plots, but not quite as many as in early Maljardin.

I know I’ve complained in the past about the recap that makes up about half the dialogue in early Maljardin, but the sheer number of plots may have required it to ensure that returning viewers remembered everything and new viewers weren’t completely lost. I don’t have to like the constant recap, but I must admit that it was probably necessary even for the fans who managed to catch every episode during its original run.

3. Stronger characterizations than under the writers of late Maljardin

Like a traditional soap opera, the first half of the Maljardin arc is character-driven. Most important plot points occur on Mondays and Fridays, leaving the mid-week episodes for (mostly) minor plot points, subplots, and character development. We see Alison’s relationship with Jean Paul evolve from friendly in-laws to potential lovers, only for her to tire of his constant mood changes and withdraw from him. We see Reverend Matt Dawson’s crisis of faith, from his stalking Holly out of an allegedly spiritual love to his questioning his disbelief in demons while trapped on Maljardin. We see Dan lose all respect for Jean Paul as he becomes convinced that his employer murdered Erica and Dr. Menkin. We also see Jean Paul grow increasingly volatile even when Jacques isn’t possessing him, making his prisoners try harder to escape and creating a vicious cycle of repression and paranoia on the island.

After Robert Costello becomes producer, the arc shifts to a more plot-driven narrative. In a span of just four weeks, Erica will be resurrected and proceed to murder most of the characters. Character development will lose its importance in late Maljardin, and the characters of Elizabeth and Holly (and later Jean Paul) will become almost unrecognizable. Although Cornelius Crane was a competent writer who gave strong characterizations to the characters he created, he makes it clear that he didn’t care much for Martin’s creations through how quickly he kills off most of them and alters the personalities of two of the ones left.

2. Actual research

This one is most noticeable in two areas: the scientific subjects discussed and the way that Martin uses the Tarot. Before writing for SP, he worked on The Doctors and The Nurses, both early medical dramas with soap opera elements. Little survives from either The Nurses or the 1960s era of The Doctors[1], but one can imagine that he got into the habit of researching medical topics then--perhaps not including subjects as far-out as cryonics, but maybe some of the others discussed on SP like cellular reconstruction, organ transplants, and eclampsia. Here on SP, he’s referenced specific scientific studies, including Miroslava Pavlović’s study of brain transplants in quail embryos, Kenneth B. Wolfe’s “Effects of Hypothermia on Cerebral Damage Resulting from Cardiac Arrest,” and--most fascinating of all--W. Grey Walter’s robotics article “An Imitation of Life,” whose potential significance to Erica’s backstory I discussed in the final part of my Shadow Over Seventh Heaven review series.

His penchant for research becomes even more obvious when we explore his use of the Tarot and compare it to the way the cards were used on the show’s inspiration Dark Shadows. Despite also having done research on various occult matters--the most obscure being the use of I Ching wands for time travel[2]--DS’s writers were notably lazy in their use of Tarot symbolism, sticking mostly to the Major Arcana, often interpreting their names literally, and using the Tower of Destruction so often that one would think that copies of the Tower comprised half the deck. Not so on SP. Although he did have tarot reader Vangie Abbott use Death literally in Episode 7, and he does portray the Nine of Swords as “the card of death” when it typically means nightmares, suffering because of loss, and inner torment, his use of the Tarot typically shows careful research into the meanings of mostly cards from the Minor Arcana (the suits of wands, cups, swords, and pentacles). He uses it both as a means of giving character profiles and for foreshadowing, although the cards often foreshadow planned events that never took place because of script rewrites.

He did, however, take some artistic liberties with other subjects that he must have researched while writing the serial. I mean to write a detailed analysis someday comparing and contrasting the show’s portrayal of vodou with the reality, but I’m not satisfied with the scanty amount of research that I’ve done so far. I have already written about the Great Serpent and how Raxl appears to syncretize the loa Damballah with the Aztec feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl, but there are other related subjects I want to discuss someday in other posts. The short version: the “voodoo” portrayed on the show is a mixture of elements of genuine Afro-Caribbean religions (worship of a Serpent God, belief in zombies, use of drums in rituals, the titles “Conjure Man” and “Conjure Woman”) and traditional Mesoamerican religious practices (Quetzalcoatl, Aztec human sacrifice, Raxl’s mention of curanderos). The evidence suggests that he picked and chose elements from these traditions for Maljardin’s “Conjure Faith” in a way reminiscent of the real-life phenomenon of religious syncretism. While somewhat problematic, the obscurity of some of the things he picked and chose shows that he must have conducted some research even on these subjects.

1. The best Jacques

Jean Paul Desmond may be the protagonist, but, in the first seven weeks of the show, it’s his devilish ancestor Jacques who truly steals the show. From his evil laugh to his snarky commentary on the happenings on Maljardin to the hilarious and adorable expressions he makes as he plays with his detained guests, there’s no denying that Jacques is the star of Martin’s SP. When he’s absent, the whole show suffers from a lack of his mischief, not to mention that smile that stirs up desires in me that can never be righteously fulfilled. If there’s a Devil, I bet he resembles THE DEVIL JACQUES ELOI DES MONDES in looks, voice, and demeanor--the better to seduce you with (and by you, I mean me). Horns and a pointy tail, after all, don’t tempt half as well as a beautiful black cape and Bissits Face™.

The Jacques of late Maljardin will be a far flatter character, more outwardly evil but less charming and consequently less entertaining. In Desmond Hall, his role will be reduced significantly and he will have very little dialogue, mostly just the same clip of his laughter repeated. He will have a few fun scenes in the second Desmond Hall arc, but the post-Martin Jacques is no devil, just an ordinary man with a slightly different personality, led over to the dark side. This is understandable--the thought of the supernatural embodiment of evil remaining imprisoned for three centuries is quite far-fetched, and Desmond Hall Arc II writer Harding Lemay wasn’t fond of all-evil characters[3]--but I still find the original Jacquet the most fun by far.

That concludes this post on my favorite things about Ian Martin’s Strange Paradise. Stay tuned for my list of some things about his writing that needed improvement.

{ Next: The Top 5 Worst Things -> }

Notes

[1] The Thousand Oaks Library in Thousand Oaks, California has ten of Martin’s scripts from The Doctors from shortly after the series switched from its original experimental anthology format to a traditional continuing soap.

[2] The portrayal of the I Ching as a means of time travel on Dark Shadows almost certainly came from William Seabrook’s book Witchcraft: Its Power in the World Today, where he describes the 49th ko hexagram’s use in a form of past-life regression in New York magick circles in the early 20th century. See Seabrook, “Werewolf in Washington Square,” Witchcraft (New York: Ishi Press, 2015), pp. 164-175.

[3] Harding Lemay, Eight Years in Another World, chap. 3, Kindle edition. In this chapter, Lemay discusses his conflicts with Irna Phillips, the creator of Another World, over how to portray soap opera characters. According to him, Phillips believed that characters should be depicted as either “Saints” or “Sinners,” the only permitted nuance being that female Sinners had to love their children if they had any. Lemay disagreed with such black-and-white characterizations, finding them unrealistic, and made the serial’s characters more morally gray.

[sanoiro]

Lucifer 5x04 - It Never Ends Well for the Chicken - Spoilers And Speculation

Warning! There is always a possibility that certain scenes might have been mixed up under their non-respective episodes.

I would appreciate if no media from my S&S posts were taken (again!). I post bts directly from the OPs never from second sources. I spend hours on this as a fan but I’m not a news site nor a source for anyone, therefore, do not take anything from this post. If you want to post some of the photos or videos you see here find the OPs do not take advantage of the hours I’ve spent on this! 

Written By: Aiyana White

Directed By: Viet Nguyen

Aiyana White has written/co-written the episodes:

4x05 - Orgy Pants At Work

5x04 - It Never Ends Well for the Chicken

5x10 - Resting Devil Face (Teleplay)

Cast: Tom Ellis as Lucifer, Lauren German as Chloe, DB Woodside as Amenadiel, Lesley-Ann Brandt as Maze, Kevin Alejandro as Dan, Scarlett Estevez as Trixie, Rachael Harris as Linda Martin and Aimee Garcia as Ella.

Season 4 Recurring Characters: None Officially Announced Guest Cast:

Emil Beheshti...Abe Gantz

Iris Braydon...Portraitist

Patrick Daniel...Paddy

Christopher Gerse...Benny

Joe Sobalo Jr....Vincenzo

Behind The Scenes

(Including the ET intwerviews)

Locations

This episode was shot in two locations the WB lot and at a mansion at Beverly Hills.

- Penthouse?

- New York Street WB Lot

-New York Street WB Lot - The ‘Garden’ Club

-Beverly Hills Mansion (Ellis + German and a lot of background actors)

This S&S is different than the rest mainly because on some level I know certain parts of the plot so here I had to decide what to do. The writers are obviously really proud about this episode and they should be as it is based on an amazing concept. At the same time do I really need to spoil a magnificent episode by writing accurately around 1/3 or 1/2 of the episode? To prove what? To achieve what? After the Part has dropped I’ll share that script page.

So early on I talked to some friends and it was decided that the verified by a script page and crew call page spoilers would not make it in the S&S. At least not the actual core of the episode. Some minor details here and there will still be here yet that is met with another problem as 5x04 sets in motion the rest of the season and if I’m correct also affects 5x09. Therefore, I do hope you do not mind if I’m vague on some parts. Finally don’t you worry when I speculate about things I will tell you upfront like I have done in the previous episodes.

As you can imagine I struggled a lot on how to explain this episode and write the S&S by what has already been spoiled from the cast, mainly in their ET interview at that time from Lauren, Ellis, DB and Aimee.

What I have to tell you first is that 5x04 moves on 3 levels. The first level is the present as a story is being told, it does not begin at random. If you remember 5x03 left us with a temporary solution and two amethyst bracelets on Dan and Lucifer. At the same time 5x05 features the title Detective Amenadiel. Lets speculate here that Lucifer is not that well so the clarity he gained in 5x03 with the show Diablo allowed him to recall of a different time that’s the second level, his past. The third level is how the episode is dressed meaning as a Noir episode that is set in the 1940s.

First, let’s explore the first level. Lucifer for some reason he feels the need to take the audience back to his past, and in order to do that there must be a present audience in his story. Someone that will make him go back and forth. I remind you that the shootings of the noir episode didn’t give any space for a lot of present time shootings so I would guess that Lucifer is at a place he feels safe perhaps his penthouse or Chloe’s house. I do not think that must be happening during therapy as we need a place that comforts him and this is a story not a therapy session the whole structure of it does not support Lucifer talking during a therapy session but to someone he trusts.

Now as you know when you tell a story you need to put everything in a perspective that your audience will understand. Us yes but also the person/s Lucifer has in front of him so the story changes and is manipulated according to us the viewers but also Lucifer’s audience.

w let’s go to the third level before the second for a very simple reason. We would expect for Lucifer to remember his past that this story to be set in Heaven, the Silver City to have angels and a pearly gate, clouds and harps but our genius writers take us somewhere else. They take us in 1940 before the US joined the Second World War. The US joined WII on December 7, 1941. The clothes the actors wear carry this late 1930s, early 1940s style where everything is bigger, there is colourful patterned fabric, no shortage of metal, there is no reason for grimness and of course, there is no war. So here is the thing as the audience you can hear the war drums echoing in the distance but this episode for its main part carries this innocence before WW2. WW2 is also relatable to the humans in Lucifer’s life, they get that people never expect a grand war and that certain behaviours are understandable.

In addition to that film noir concept for 5x04, before WW2 that genre was popular but skyrocketed in the 1940s when we had two of the most amazing Hollywood noir films of all time. By the way, do remember that Hollywood thrived due to the war as the rest of the world either had to halt filming big productions or the technology was simply not affordable yet you will find some good foreign movies but without the same exposure Hollywood gave for the simple reason that it had not been affected directly by the war, meaning the bombs and the poverty.

Now the Noir films I was talking about are The Maltese Falcon that was released in October of 1941 just two months before Pearl Harbor and Citizen Cain in May of 1941 that inspired so many great film noirs we can also mention of course High Sierra in January of 1941. All these movies are important to remember as Lucifer’s past is narrated in a very similar way but with a twist which I’ll let you know what it is when I start explaining the second level. Until I get there do remember that Lauren was watching the movie ‘Only Angels Have Wings’ (1939) which although it is not a film noir it is relatable to this episode and I wouldn’t be surprised if the writers recommended to the actors to watch it. So we gather that the film noir is not a random choice or an attempt to make this episode artistic as other shows have done but it actually deals with that atmosphere the misdealings and the unfortunate choices but also heartbreak. Well, for some that is.

The second level of this episode is that Lucifer talks about his past. If level two and level three correspond then we can claim that it was before Lucifer Fell. I do believe and support this theory as on a level it follows the Comic’s concept that Lucifer Fell around the time he met Lilith. Lilith has been confirmed for 5x04.

Now if we are in a time when Lucifer didn’t Fell what does that mean for the episode itself? Who will. appear there? Why do we have Chloe dressed as a man? Why Lauren called her character Jack? What is going on? Unfortunately for all of us I know that part so I’ll have to skip it but at the same time I’ll not disappoint you.

First of all the second and the third level are connected so they are one thing and the whole story is on some level an allegory in some places and true on others. In order to understand this better you need to be familiar with the book/movie “The Life of Pi”. For the ones who have not read/watched it it’s basically a story of a boy stranded at sea with a Tiger, a Zebra, A Hyena and a Chimpanzee only in the end to realize that none of the zoo animals the ship carried had made it to the raft but the actual story involved humans, murder, cannibalism and the madness that led to boy’s survival through a long quest of keeping up faith to nothing yet everything. The same happens in this episode more or less.

Our characters are changing and as Aimee said even her character in that episode is different. You see the only constant in this story is mainly Lucifer, most of the rest are ‘shifting’ and that’s the appropriate word to explain it. You should also go to all the leads social media and discover some more clues here and there because our leads do not do post in random. Like with my speculation with Inbar for 5x03 I support the same speculation here but from a different person.

So let’s get to the story that Lucifer attempts to narrate. We are back in a time before the big war and we see a Lucifer with lighter colours, curious and of course young. We do not know if he has Fallen but as I speculate over and over in this S&S let’s say that he has not so perhaps we will see the process of that Fall of what or who helped him think for himself.

In the comics, Lucifer after Ibrael slept with Lilith and she bore him a Nephelim son called Briadach, Lucifer and Lilith started having long conversations over why she lays with demons, why she left Adam and the matter of will comes up something that Lucifer contemplates a lot after that. As the years pass in the comics the time comes when Briadach and Maze kill Ibrael because not only he refused his son but also wanted to exile all the Lilim from the Silver City which they have built. You see Lilith was so in love with Ibrael that she gave him her children as builders for the City of Heaven.

Long story short the Angels wanted to kill Maze and Briadach to atone the sin of Ibrael’s murder but Lucifer refuses to take a side which angers Gabriel. Samuel then takes the name Lucifer and leaves the Silver City,

The chances of all that happening are slim to none of course but the concept that Lucifer and Lilith talk at some point in that episode about will and freedom means a lot. There are a lot of firsts in this episode actually that the viewers will certainly love. Also, I do not think we should approach their meeting as a romance more like a platonic romance of similar ideas and a start of how Lucifer made a stand towards divine plans.

Talking of firsts as some of fans noticed Lucifer in that episode didn’t wear his ring. The writers' room had two backstories (not from the start of the series!) for that according to Idly and apparently, they have decided which one to use so in 5x04 we will see how Lucifer got his ring but not everything is that simple or innocent. And talking about lack of innocence that is one of the reasons why the Garden is transformed to a club that bears the same name in the episode. Also perhaps that duet is actually Lucifer’s first introduction to a piano and he is a natural? Honestly no idea.

^Video Here

There is also always an alias... I told you this story is moving on 3 levels all the time. 

It was first assumed that it was Lauren but as White was the writer of 5x04, in reality, we see Ellis and Lesley Ann before their duet if that tux is anything to go about. 

From the bts we have seen that there is a case, there is always a case and there is even a police car so if I were you I would expect a body somewhere (you will probably be shocked when you see the victim) and so things will need to be investigated and unveiled. Meaning the culprit.

We have seen Lauren with a black eye as well as a cut lip and that is again normal as the story progresses yet you will not get much of the story’s zest aside from the fact that Lucifer is working with Lauren’s ‘Jake’ and that in the Garden he meets Lesley-Ann with which he has a duet. Perhaps some mommy issues from Maze can finally be addressed when Lilith makes her entrance.

^Lucifer getting in the Garden Club^

^Remember there is always a trap... There is always a chase for riches and... power. 

Now you may ask and what of the Proprietor? Well, he might be our villain and he might be someone totally unexpected. Do not get fooled by titles and do expect the unexpected.

As a final note, I’ll have to remind you this. Season 5 is a heavily supernatural based season like S4 was and before that S2. It’s basically what the Writers Room can do without being controlled by a Network and when they have the freedom to create the path they want for the characters. Season 1 was supposed to be a filler for FOX and to get a second season it was unexpected, to say the least and then in December of 2017 the news came that it had been renewed for a 3rd season at that point, the network wanted a full S2 meaning 22 episodes, 4 of which as you know were moved in S3. So S2, S4 and S5 are in the same tune and 5x04 will set the tune to synchronize with the supernatural elements of the past seasons.

Plot-wise you will notice that most of the shooting was done at night also Lucifer’s clothing lighten up here and there while the story becomes bleaker. 

^Some bts suggest that Maze is present in Lucifer’s story or at least in the present aka the first level of that episode even if she is not around that story from the beginning. 

Now early in this S&S I told you that this episode might affect Season 5 Part 1 as a whole and even 5x09 but I didn’t tell you why. The solution of 5x03 is temporary and Lucifer in 5x04 realizes that he can find a permanent one by recalling events of his past. Perhaps his audience comes to the conclusion that a solution may lie on a detail of 5x04. That leads to a quest but what frees Dan and Lucifer has other consequences and do not be surprised if in Part 2 you will see the younger version of Lucifer again that you met in 5x04. Confusing? Yes, but better than nothing I suppose at least we know that the season is well crafted.  

Unfortunately due to the circumstances under this S&S is written I’ll not answer any questions that will ask from me to clarify or further speculate details and in general what I have mentioned above. Thank you for your understanding.

PS As far as I know up to that point the Hell set was still up in the stage so we might see it again in 5x04. Only time will tell.

PS2 There are hints everywhere in every single bts above. Things that are obvious and others that you simply cannot spot until you watch the episode but trust me this will be an unforgettable experience for all Lucifans!

Although some photos seem to be the same like the ones in 5x03, which is true, it is why sometimes we do not know which episode she shoots as multiple scenes from 2-3 episodes sometimes are shot in one day due to Scarlet’s other responsibilities and under the Child Actor Act that does not allow a child to work for more than a certain number of days and hours per week. 

Bonding time I guess... 

^The same t-shirt so we shall see :P 

[gayregis]

swingxilly replied to your post “should i pretend like the netflix adaptation never came out and...”

Personally, Id love to hear your thoughts about vampires!

oh you are so kind

my main issue with cdpr is that regis’ backstory in the books was intended to be yet another metaphor for how lack of guidance for youth leads to violence and cruelty. in addition to how addiction interacts with this. i think one of the best things about the vampires of the witcher are that they are not inherently evil. 

the majority of depictions of vampires are something like that they have a secret vampire society that they all belong to, with a lot of hierarchy and structure, that they must drink blood to stave off a wretched animalistic bloodlust or starvation...

in the witcher, the majority of vampires recognize the holy days of the full moon and drink only then. some don’t drink at all. 

but the important part that we learn about and which is relevant to the plot, is that young vampires in the witcher are a bunch of disorganized frat boys and sorority girls. this is the part which ensues conflict and thus a story.

attacks from these vampires are part of what caused the witcher caste to be created in the first place. but it’s not just as simple as “monsters attack a settlement.” 

the vampires are... humanized, for lack of a better term, in the witcher series. even vereena, who is introduced incredibly early on and at a point when the vampire lore wasn’t exactly finalized, is humanized in a grain of truth, particularly towards the end of the story when it is revealed that she and nivellan actually felt true love for one another. in regis’s backstory, his peers are humanized as we learn that drinking serves a primarily social and secondarily spiritual purpose.

as regis describes his backstory, it humorously sounds exactly like a human alcoholic’s story. because it is. it’s a metaphor. sapkowski uses the metaphor to explore the dangers and tragedies of real-life addiction. because humans don’t get to regrow their fucking heads. being a vampire really has nothing to do with it. the only reasons regis is a vampire in the first place (in my interpretation) is so that he (1) may liberally perform feats of deus ex machina to save or assist the company (2) pose a conflict to geralt and help geralt develop his character more (3) be someone who has learned from his mistakes. in a situation which would have been too late for humans to learn, it wasn’t too late for him, and thus he’s allowed this redemption.

cdpr just completely ignores the fact that vampires were meant to be a metaphorical way to describe and critique the human condition... instead they fuckin go all out painting vampires as true monsters just for you to slice your silver sword through. dettlaff is painted as a monster overwhelmingly and there’s a much higher chance of killing him than letting him go. they lost the entire point of the vampires, of the narrative that they were used to present. 

in addition, they added in incredibly fucked-up shit like vampires systematically torturing humans and “drinking from children b/c their blood tastes better” when literally these are both against canon: they discuss khagmar in blood & wine committing such acts of bloodlust that the other vampires all teamed up to torture his guts because the humans were gainin’ on them... in the books, regis did very much of the same (imbibing entire villages, etc) and no one came for his ass... he may have been part of the reason that witchers were created, but i think the vampires cared very little about what the humans were doing. in addition in lady of the lake regis makes some comments that allow us to infer that healthy adult blood is the best-tasting. i hate that i have to argue this, but cdpr started it by saying vampires would drink from children and babies, okay!

other offenses that are minor but i should list them anyways include:

[population and rarity] in canon, in terms of population, there were only about 1,200 higher vampires at the time of the conjunction of the spheres, and since they don’t breed like rabbits (or like the d’hoine, as the elves might say) and have excessively long lifespans (like the elves), there’s no real reason to suggest that this number has gone up. BUT in blood & wine, you get attacked by HOW many bruxae and alpors in toussaint? in the books, geralt doesn’t recognize regis as a vampire for weeks, because of how rare higher vampires are.

[powers] there’s some fuckery in sapkowski’s work about when vampires can use their powers. by baptism of fire, he refined it so that vampires can only “fly” / transform into bats on the full moon. also, why do regis and dettlaff disappear into puffs of smoke??? there is no smoke or fog involved. regis disappears quite literally into thin air in the books, undetectable and invisible. it’s part of the charm. in addition, i was sorely disappointed that we don’t see any vampires mind control anyone or put anyone to sleep, because it was really cool when vereena and regis did that in the books.

[design] the wolverine claws were a fucking mistake. also vampire teeth are not just All Sharp Teeth, regis and vereena both have regular teeth except for their giant murderous fangs. ALSO what is that final form for dettlaff? vereena and regis were just giant black bats! there’s nothing more you need to do! it’s a bat! not whatever they designed for him...

[social interactions] this whole “pack mentality” thing... it sounds like they took it directly from a really bad A/B/O fic

tl;dr: in the words of master dandelion poet and troubadour: “i take it you know what a metaphor is?”

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Michael in the Mainstream: Pokemon Generation I & II

Pokemon is one of the biggest media franchises on the planet since 1996, and while it’s never exactly hit the same highs as it did back in the 90s, the franchise has been going strong for over two decades regardless. So, in honor of the latest entries in the franchise, I decided to take a look back at the old generations and look at what worked and what didn’t about them, though obviously in my own style. And what better place to start than the original two generations, Generations I and II?

Let’s start with Generation I, which includes the three games that started it all – Red, Blue, and Yellow, though back in the franchise’s homeland of Japan they had Green instead of Blue (hence why we got FireRed and LeafGreen, but no WaterBlue). These are the games that launched the franchise into the stratosphere of popularity, and for a long time they were held up as the gold standard of Pokemon games, attracting a die-hard base of “fans” known as Genwunners, who would bash anything outside of the first 151 Pokemon. Lately that sort of opinion has declined, though you still get the odd person here and there whining about how newer Pokemon designs look like Digimon, which indicates that the person saying that is unfamiliar with either franchise.

But what of the games themselves? What are they like? I have long expressed distaste for the Gen I games, mostly because of my hatred of Genwunners, but ultimately my opinions on the games are a lot more mixed. I do believe that Yellow is a genuinely good game and probably how the first generation should be experienced if you really want to go back to the old games, but my opinions on Red and Blue are a bit more mixed – but, shockingly, mostly positive.

You see, here’s the thing with Pokemon games – even at their worst, they’re still fun, and Red and Blue prove that. These are impressive games for their time that had the misfortune of aging far worse than a lot of their contemporaries, mostly due to the nature of the games themselves – any sort of franchise based on collecting and battling among groups of friends is going to need a lot of polish between releases, which will inevitably leave older games in the dust, especially when each generation after would add more and more Pokemon with each new generation. But even if they haven’t aged all too well, there’s still plenty of fun to be had here, though a lot of it is not in ways the creators intended.

Let’s get the bad stuff out of the way first – the balance in this game is absolutely atrocious. There are some types that are just objectively better than others, some types are so scarce as to be utterly useless, some moves don’t work like they’re supposed to, some of the computers use moves they shouldn’t know… the game is a hot mess, to put it lightly. At points the games feel frustratingly unplayable, especially when you come up against Sabrina, the gym leader wielding the all-powerful type of Gen I, Psychic.

The more mixed parts of the game are the story and the beloved, exploitable glitches. The story here… well, there isn’t one. There’s sort of an excuse plot in place - you have to beat all the gyms, challenge the Elite Four, and battle your rival (who you can name whatever, but I’ll be referring to him by his canon name, Blue). Other than that, though? There’s not really any sort of overarching plot. You kind of just wander into situation after situation on your way to the next gym. Even the whole Team Rocket plot here is mostly just you beating them up because they prove to slightly inconvenience you at every turn. Unlike in later entries, where the player is roped into saving the world from destruction at the hands of all-powerful PokeGods. Here the plot is basically “Young boy accidentally foils the Mafia while on a walk with their pet.” It’s so hilariously simple it’s hard to totally hate it, and to be perfectly fair a lot of early RPGs had rather simplistic plots, and this was one of the first handheld RPGs, so I cut them a bit of slack here, especially seeing as we at least got Giovanni out of this.

The glitches are infamous and iconic, but even them I’m a bit mixed on. Like, I love Missingno as much as everyone else, but I think tat if you need to break a game this hard to have fun, it kind of ruins things. I feel the same way about the glitches as I do the Crissaegrim in Symphony of the Night sure, they’re cool, flashy, and powerful, but they make the game so pathetically easy from that point onwards it just isn’t that entertaining anymore.

Still, this game does excel in one area: character. There are a lot of great characters in this game, human and Pokemon. A lot of the gym leaders are absolutely iconic, and the Elite Four is mostly interesting, though I will say that they lack a lot of character compared to later Elite Fours (though he Gen III remakes ameliorated this problem). It’s pretty impressive how so much character was able to be crammed into these characters even though they are ostensibly just roadblocks on your way to the next gym.

Then there are the Pokemon. The designs in this generation are pretty simple, occasionally to a fault, but there is a reason for this: a lot of Pokemon are based on yokai or tsukumogami, both of which are pretty essential in Japanese folklore. Tsukumogami in particular are something the franchise seems to absolutely love, with the Voltorb and Magnemite lines being notable examples from this generation. Other Japanese folklore represented in this Generation include kitsune, which the Vulpix line is explicitly based on, kappas, which Golduck is inspired by, baku, which the Drowzee line represents, and so in. In fact, the entire concept of Pokemon is so entrenched in the concepts of yokai and Japanese spirits that it is endlessly amusing to see Westerners nitpicking the designs, ignoring the cultural meaning behind them. Pokemon have a variety of inspirations obviously, but the weirder you think a design is the more likely it is to have been based off of some sort of yokai.

I think the definitive Gen I experience is Yellow, which is inspired by the anime. You start off with Pikachu who follows behind you at all times, you can acquire all of the starters, the game overall feels more polished (but not overly so), and you get to fight Jessie and James. It’s a lot of fun, and it doesn’t heavily alter the story, instead adding a few neat little additions, something that would become common with third versions in the franchise. The Kanto games are a solid start to a franchise, but they definitely could have used a bit more work…

That’s where Generation II comes in.

Generation II honestly feels like what Generation I should have been like, leaving Red and Blue as the unpolished alpha, Yellow as the beta, and Gold and Silver as the full release. In fact, it kind of leaves the  second gen feeling a lot more like an expansion pack than anything else, but not in an obnoxious or bad way like a certain other game (COUGHOverwatch 2COUGH). These games are so much better in just about every conceivable way, it’s not even funny.

A lot of important series mainstays made their debut here. The biggest and best is probably the introduction of the Dark and Steel types, the latter of which really feels like it should have been in Generation 1 to begin with. Steel quickly established itself as a very defensive type, and Pokemon of that type are just naturally tough due to Steel resisting nearly every other type in the game, with it only being nerfed slightly once the games jumped to 3D. Dark on the other hand was extremely cool in concept, but a lot of the Pokemon of the type were not able to properly utilize their impressive movepools due to Dark being classified as a Special type and a lot of early Dark-types running with high physical stats.

Let me clarify real quick: prior to Generation IV, the type of the move determined whether it ran off of Physical or Special Attack, no matter how ludicrous it seemed. That means Dark moves like Bite and Fire moves like Blaze Kick ran off of the Special Attack stat despite almost always appearing on Pokemon that had much higher Physical Attack, leaving a lot of Dark-types in the dust until the Sinnoh games rolled along and balanced things. Still, this bump in usability did not stop Dark-types from being popular and beloved, with Pokemon like Umbreon, Sneasel, and Houndoom all debuting here in the land of Johto.

Speaking of new Pokemon, fewer were added this time around, only about 100, sort of fitting in with this game feeling like an expansion pack. A lot of the new Pokemon are odd and gimmicky, with strange creatures like Unown, Delibird, and Shuckle making their debut here, as well as the almighty Dunsparce. While time would be kind to some of these (Dunsparce and Shuckle in particular have gained niche uses and cult fandoms), other gimmicky Pokemon got left in the dust. Still, I do think having weird, gimmicky Pokemon adds some flavor to the world. If there’s one thing I am upset about, it’s some of the Pokemon that were cut from the game, revealed to the world in the prototype version of Gold and Silver that leaked online. We almst got a new Shellder evo that looked like Slowbro’s tail, as well as Pokemon like Lickilicky debuting two generations earlier (and with a far better design). Still, what we got is pretty impressive, and though I find Johto a tad bit vanilla, there are a lot of Pokemon I love in this generation.

Another great addition to the franchise is lore behind the Legendary Pokemon. Gen I did have a bit of lore in regards to Mew and Mewtwo if you chose to read all of the journals in Cinnabar Mansion, but the bird trio got nothing and sort of just felt like random bonus bosses than Pokemon really deserving the title of legends. In this game, every legend introduced feels legendary. Entei, Raikou, Suicune, Ho-Oh, and Lugia all have fascinating lore behind them, and while they don’t play a major part in the story or factor in to Team Rocket’s plans (save for Suicune in Crystal, who has its own subplot), it showed that even this early on they were working on making the legendaries feel bigger and more impressive to the point they deserved their title as legends.

Then of course there are the new additions to gameplay and collecting that helped really make the franchise shine. The introduction of held items is one of the most significant; now there were even more ways to improve your standing in a battle! Give your mon a berry, they’ll eat it when their health gets low! This feature would be expanded on in later games, but its start here introduced a whole new world of possibilities. There was also the splitting of the Special stat into Special Attack and Special Defense a choice that helped balance the games and not completely overpower the Psychic type. And speaking of, Type distribution was quite a bit better in these games, though the new types Steel and Dark as well as Ghost and Dragon were still fairly underutilized and rare.

 Then there is the introduction of gender and breeding, which allowed players to get new Pokemon by leaving two Pokemon in the same egg group in a day care together. This not only allowed for the introduction of new baby Pokemon (which are largely useless and Pokedex filler if I’m being honest), but it gave the transforming blob of jello Ditto a new lease on life, as it could breed with absolutely ANYTHING, even some genderless Pokemon. Finally, we have the introduction of shiny Pokemon, Pokemon that had a different coloration than normal Pokemon and that almost surely existed to show off the power of the Game Boy Color. Back in Generation II, shinies were guaranteed to have perfect IVs of some sort or another to make their rarity more worthwhile, but this was scrapped after this gen. Still, there is nothing cooler than having that fabulous Pokemon with its incredible sparkle pop up while you’re roaming the wild, and nothing sadder than realizing you don’t have any balls to catch it.

The story here is also improved, which is a plus. A rarity for Pokemon games going forward, these games were true sequels to the originals, taking place a few years after the events of the Gen I games, and so the plot concerns the player getting roped in to not only stopping the remnants of Team Rocket trying to rise to power yet again, but also fighting off a mysterious rival named Silver, all while trying to complete the gym challenge. The stakes are a bit higher this time, but not overly so, and the plot definitely feels bigger and more important, with their being a sense of “I have to stop Team Rocket or something bad could happen” rather than “Ugh, these guys are blocking the way to the next gym, guess I better get rid of them.” And if that’s not enough, this has one of the more impressive post-games for the series… for its time. Much has been made of the late, great Satoru Iwata’s impressive cramming of the entirety of Kanto into the game, and you won’t hear me say that for the time these games came out what he did was impressive. 

The thing is, this accomplishment has aged about as well as the games the Kanto region debuted in. Gen II’s version of Kanto has a very poor level curve, meaning you can basically steamroll through most of the gyms, and a lot of areas are blocked off, gone, or cut down. While it is cool to see all these places two years after the original games, it’s not nearly as fun when you’re crushing underleveled Pokemon and you can’t access Cerulean Cave or the legendary birds. When you finally acquire all the badges though, you get to head to Mt. Silver and make your way up to one of the definitive bonus bosses of the franchise – Red, the player character of the original games. He’s a pretty tough opponent, and the game seems to lean towards making Yellow the true canon game as Red has all three starters plus Pikachu,

There’s not much else to say, as there isn’t too much negative to say about the Johto region or the games. The definitive version is, of course, Crystal, as it has a bit of extra story and polish to it and even let you play as a girl for the first time, and though there are aspects that the remakes of these games would improve on, the Generation II games are actually extremely solid and a lot of fun to play to this day, even if they haven’t yet achieved optimal balance for Pokemon. At the very least, they’re a lot more fun and playable than the Gen I games.

It’s pretty undeniable that the first two generations put Pokemon on a pretty solid path of progression and started the franchise off with a bang. There was really nowhere to go from here but up, and boy oh boy did they ever go up from here.

[battlersexual]

Board Game Showcase #3: Sentinels of the Multiverse

Introduction:

I mentioned in my introduction post for this series that my love of board games only really blossomed when I joined my college’s board game club. This game in particular was actually one of the major reasons why.

Sentinels of the Multiverse is a game about superheroes, but it’s not like any of the multitude of superhero-based board games on the market. Most of those just license actual Marvel or DC superheroes and put them on some other game, like Monopoly or a generic deckbuilder skeleton. Sentinels is something very different: It’s a totally original superhero game, (admittedly very much based on the Marvel-DC characters in a lot of ways) and it’s incredibly fun. Let’s talk about it!

Story:

I’m going to give you the broad strokes here, because trying to tell you the full story of Sentinels would be kind of like trying to summarize the plot of Magic: The Gathering in a single text post. Even with that, this will probably be the longest story segment I write.

In an alternate universe, instead of the Marvel and DC we’re familiar with, the comics publisher that came out on top was Sentinel Comics. Within the world of Sentinel Comics, the stories followed a similar trajectory to ours: the Golden Age where superheroes fought ordinary criminals and nazis, the Silver age with its wacky space shenanigans and superscience nonsense, the more restrained Bronze age where comics started to tackle more serious issues, a brief Dark age where everything was gritty and EXTREEEEEME, and the Modern age, where writers tried to take the best of everything that came before and just tell good stories (perhaps with mixed results, but I’m not a comic critic, so I’ll leave it at that.) The actual card game can best be described as a licensed game set in the Modern age of Sentinel Comics, which just so happens to have fallen through a time portal to our universe.

Overall, the story follows the Freedom Five, an Avengers-esque superhero team working together against all manner of villains, from the moustache-twirling to the downright terrifying. The villains in the game are all structured like crisis crossovers, with a team of supers going up against them. Each expansion to the game introduced part of the ongoing struggle as the comics progressed, culminating in the OblivAeon crisis and the end of the multiverse as we know it.

Obviously there’s more to it, but I want to move on and talk about individual characters later.

Mechanics and more under the cut.

Mechanics:

Sentinels is, technically speaking, a card game instead of a board game. That said, it still falls into the nebulous category of “Tabletop game” and most board game fans consider them board games anyway.

The game is technically 3-5 players, but can easily support 1 and 2 player games by having each player control multiple characters. Each player will pick a hero from the box, along with their deck. For example...

(Legacy is in some ways the most basic hero, so I’ll be using him as an example often.)

Each hero has a character card that gives them an HP value and a base power (In this case, Galvanize). This means the hero always has something they can do no matter which cards they get. Each hero has a unique deck of cards that focuses on their particular niche, Legacy’s being buffing the team and tanking damage.

Heroes generally work on their own, but often excel by teaming up with other heroes and complementing their own powers. Each turn, a player does three things: Play, Power, Draw, in that order. Play a card from their hand, use a power (either their innate power or one listed on an ongoing card) and draw a card. You can skip both play and power to draw two cards instead. If a hero is reduced to 0 HP, they’re not out of the fight yet: the flip side of their card has “Incapacitated abilities” that help the other team members.

(I couldn’t find a good image of Legacy’s incap side, this is from one of the other characters, Fanatic).

Sentinels is a cooperative game: the heroes work together to defeat a villain.

Each villain has their own deck, which acts as a rudimentary AI. Before the heroes get their turn, they flip over the top card of the villain deck and do whatever the card says. Villain cards are often extremely powerful, and can seriously screw over the heroes’ efforts.

In addition to heroes and villains, each game of Sentinels has an Environment. This is a third type of deck that works similarly to the villain deck, but tends to be neutral: I.E. it helps or hurts both the heroes and the villain. The environments range from the city of Megalopolis to the far-off planet Dok’Thorath to the town of Silver Gulch in the year 1883 to a far-future post-apocalyptic earth, each with unique mechanics. The turn order goes villain, heroes, environment before repeating until either the villain or all the heroes are defeated.

Flavor:

An AMAZING amount. You might have noticed that Legacy’s cards have quotes on the bottom referencing a comic he was in. Every card in the game has this, and it’s a joy to piece it all together and figure out what happened in the extensive storyline of Sentinel Comics. The game itself also presents an exciting puzzle where you try to figure out how to get past the villain’s defenses before they kill you. Each hero feels unique and interesting, and once you find your favorite, you’re all set. (Mine is Chrono-Ranger, the time-traveling cowboy).

I do have another particular favorite in terms of flavor, but I... don’t want to mention him. (Too late.) He might show up, and that’s not going to be good for anyone (Hey!) so let’s just move on.

Expansions:

The base game includes ten heroes, four villains, and four environments. This is a pretty good number, but honestly a lot of the most fun heroes arrived in the expansions. I find every new deck to be fun and interesting, so I can blanket-recommend all the expansions, but there’s a lot of them, both big boxes and mini-expansions consisting of a single deck (Like me!), so I’m not going to talk about them individually like before (WHAT?), so let’s just move on to-

No no no no NO! What kind of cop-out is that? You’re just going to tell people that expansions exist and then not explain anything? You make me SICK.

Oh no.

Oh YEAH! That’s right, I’m here to take over this showcase, so why don’t you just sit down in that corner and watch a REAL pro do his job?

Get off my post, Guise.

Not gonna happen! Take this! And this! And some a THESE!

...There we go. Hello, reader! Yep, I’m talking to you, the one reading this now. My name’s Guise, and I’m the best hero in the whole game!

Ha, I love that picture. ANYWAY, since that idiot couldn’t be bothered to cover the expansions properly, I’ll be doing that for him, just for all of you! Aren’t I the greatest? Well, let’s hop to it!

Ahhh, good old Rook City. Nice place, if you like giant mutant rats and government corruption. Which I do, because that stuff is totally X-TREEEEEEEEME!!!

Rook City was originally its own expansion, but the developers released a box that combined it with the next expansion, Infernal Relics! What nice people. Rook City includes two heroes who are almost as X-TREEEEEEEEME!!! as me, as well as two environments and four, count ‘em, FOUR dastardly villains!

Infernal Relics has plenty of spooooooky magic at play, and features another four villains, two environments, and two heroes, one of which is my good friend the Argent Adept! Here, look at this picture of us!

Ha ha, good times.

They did it again! Shattered Timelines and Wrath of the Cosmos, all in one box. How can you turn that down? If you like time travel and space adventures, these are gonna be your jam, with a total of four heroes, eight villains, and four environments, two of which are IN SPACE! Everything’s better in SPACE! Here’s a picture of me, IIIIIIINNNNNNNN SPAAAAAAAAAAAACE!

Oh, and the Shattered Timelines expansion is where that cowboy that the dumb nerd who started this post likes comes from. You know, if you cared. Which you don’t, because you’re cool! Like me! I can tell.

Vengeance added five new heroes, and introduced the TOTALLY AWESOME team villain variant, where instead of fighting one strong villain, you fight a team of weaker villains! This one can get pretty crazy. The set includes the VENGEFUL FIVE, who you can see on the box, and their decks come with all sorts of bit villains and lackeys to torment the heroes! I took a picture with my nemesis, Argentium!

Whooo, that was one tough customer! Luckily, I got him to chill out. Get it? Chill out? Because I froze him, ha ha! I’m hilarious. And awesome!

And then they did more team villains! Villains of the Multiverse has ten new villains for the team mode, four environments, and NO HEROES AT ALL! Well, lucky thing you can still use the ones from the other expansions, hey? I took a picture with a villain to commemorate this one too, but I can’t seem to find it...

Oh, there it is!

And the last major expansion is... OblivAeon! (Dun dun DUUUUUUUUN!) This one adds five heroes (formerly villains! Oooh, exciting!), five environments, and OBLIVAEON himself, with a new game mode centered around fighting him! Not to mention, you get to see ME take center stage as the big hero that saves the multiverse!

(Uh, not really, it was mostly Luminary who-)

Hey, quiet! Don’t go badmouthing me in front of my adoring fans!

Anyway, I’d love to show you my cool new form in this expansion, but that might be a liiiiitle spoiler-y, so I’ll just say I look like THIS, but WAY sexier!

Well, those are all the big expansions, but we’re not done yet! There’s a bunch of mini-expansions, little individual decks you can buy to add one hero, villain, or environment to the game. I’d cover them all, but there’s really only one you need...

That’s right, ME! Hell, you don’t even need the other big expansions when I’m so much better! Not only do you get my awesome character card, you get all the cards I’ve shown you from my deck, as well as the best card ever! No, really, that’s what it’s called!

I mean, come on! You don’t even need the base game! Just buy me, and you’ll have the best part of Sentinels of the Multiverse, all for the low low price of- hey, get off me! Ow! Stop that! HEY!

All right, that’s ENOUGH. Get OUT of my house.

...Whew, he’s finally gone. All right, let’s get on with things.

Replayability:

Sentinels is pretty darn replayable. You’re almost never going to get the same experience, even if you pick the exact same heroes, environment, and villain. If you have all the expansions, you not only get over 60 heroes and 45 villains, but you can get Variants, which replace all the hero cards (and some villains!) with new versions of the characters that have different powers. I’ve never played a game of Sentinels and felt like I’d seen it before. In addition, you can play it alone, so if you can’t have friends over regularly it’s still a good purchase.

Criticisms:

It runs into a similar problem to Cosmic Encounter where the game is SO spread out over so many expansions that the full experience ends up being an expensive and space-consuming prospect. It’s also a very fiddly game, with tons of counters and cards, so it can be a chore to play some of the more complicated characters. Both of these problems have solutions, however.

Availability:

Sentinels is still being sold, as far as I’m aware. It’s also totally available as a mod on Tabletop Sim, although this doesn’t fix the problem with fiddly counters and running out of space for cards, and in fact makes it worse. But there’s another option.

Sentinels of the Multiverse: The Video Game is an official online version of the card game. It includes every expansion as dlc, heavily marked down from its price as a physical item, and takes care of all the tedious bookkeeping for you. It also lets you earn the variant cards by doing challenges in-game, which is super fun, although you don’t HAVE to to unlock them that way. There are weekly challenge games that pit a certain team against a specific villain and environment, which often act as a cool little puzzle, (and you get to hear my amazing voice!) Shut up, Guise. I very occasionally stream games of SotM on my twitch channel, so if there’s enough interest I can show off more of the game. In general, I recommend the video game even if you already own the board game: it’s really well-done and fun to play.

Creators:

This is kind of a special segment. I normally don’t talk about the creators of these games, because they’re usually irrelevant to the final product. However, artist Adam Rebottaro and writer Christopher Badell are incredibly active in the community around their own game, and they have a podcast where they talk about the lore of the game and answer viewer questions about the characters and universe.

It’s a ton of fun, they’re really engaging and you can feel their creativity and love for comics radiating from their voices whenever they talk. They’re super funny, too.

(And if you want more of ME- ah, what am I saying, of course you do! - you can tune in to this episode right here, where I make a special guest appearance to talk about myself!)

Get OUT, Guise!

Ugh, what a pain. Anyway...

Conclusion:

I know superhero stuff is kind of over-saturated right now, but even if you’re sick of superheroes - give Sentinels a try. It’s a celebration of comics more than superheroes in particular, and despite taking a lot of cues from existing superheroes, everything about Sentinels is fresh and fun. It’s one of my favorite co-op games ever, and its story is so well-told that I genuinely feel like I need to go read the comics, which I remind you don’t exist. Sentinels of the Multiverse is brilliant and just plain FUN.

Seriously, go play it, and make sure to use all my cards!

Didn’t I tell you to get out of my house?

[menatiera]

Tony Stark Bingo Round 2 - Masterpost

So another round of the TSB is over, and I’m proud to say that this time, I MANAGED TO DO A BLACKOUT! HELL YEAH! Here are my fills, in order of the card squares.

S1 - Kink: sex magic

Title: Take me to the magic of the moment (chapter 3.) Pairing: Tony/Bucky (Winteriron) Rating: E Warnings: mild dub-con (circumstances are pressuring the consent, plus some bdsm aspects are not pre-negotiated), Explicit sexual content Summary: "Tony was wondering how he, the fucking best tech-mage of the kingdom (or maybe the whole continent, or the whole world, if he didn't want to be humble) ended up here. (...) Which was exactly what had happened in their neighboring kingdom just a few days ago. Daddy Dearest apparently had gotten himself into some huge mess with his mages. Howard was probably dead by now, Tony at least was sure of that, knowing said mages personally. Oh yeah, that was the reason why Tony was sitting in Barnes's room in nothing but a robe." * Tony is the best tech mage, and has to work with Barnes, the best nature mage, in order to save their kingdom. It... doesn't exactly go as they planned. It goes way better than that. And way, way more intimate. A collaboration with the lovely @feignedsobriquet​!  Words: 14,322

S2 - [image: Tony and the armor]

Title: Count on me Rating: T Pairing: Tony/Bucky (Winteriron) Warnings: general Winter Soldier angst (with a happy ending) Summary: "For some reason, the Asset knew that the number seven was impressive, and when he was out of the base and no one was watching, he traced the outlines of it with his metal finger." A soulmate tattoo shows how dangerous the soulmate is. Bucky's tattoo shows higher and higher numbers as time goes by. In the end, he finds the person behind the numbers, of course. Words: 2,618

S3 - Kink: begging

Title: The stranger addition (chapter 4) Rating: E Pairing: Steve/Tony/Bucky (Stuckony) Warnings: PWP, Explicit sexual content,  BDSM Summary: The man steps in. Tony stares at them alternately. “Who’s he?” “He’s Steve,” Bucky says, “my shadow.” “I’m your best friend,” Steve corrects him, “has been since childhood.” “Yeah, that too.” Bucky waves it away, and there’s certainly a story behind this, but Tony can’t decipher it with the limited information he has, and he’s frankly preoccupied with other activities to figure it all out. Like with how Bucky keeps kissing his neck, gentle this time, like making up for the harsh treatment a moment earlier. “And this is Tony,” Bucky continues with the introductions, “my owner… and my pet.” --- Tony bought Bucky in a horse auction. Bucky became Tony's property, his bodyguard, and later - while they remained in their original roles to the wider audience - Bucky became Tony's Dom in the bedroom. This balance seemingly provided everything they needed. But one day Bucky announces a guest, and a new addition comes to the equation in the form of Steve Rogers. Words: 8,765

S4 - Kink: collars

Title: Already a sinner, and I'm an overachiever  (chapter 1.) Rating: E Pairing: Steve/Tony/Bucky (Stuckony) Warnings: PWP, BDSM, consensual loss of bodily anatomy, bondage and restriction Summary: "Extremis and his arm - that for a long while was a combination solely for Tony's and Bucky's pleasure. He shared Tony in almost every aspect, but this, this was private, this was theirs… His greedy mind recoiled from the idea of sharing until only recently. Lately, Bucky feels that he might be ready to share Tony completely with Steve. They are all together in this relationship after all, but Bucky held back this piece of him from Steve, afraid that Steve wouldn't be able to accept that submissiveness. Just like with Tony, it took Bucky time and effort to work through his fears, but now he’s ready to make that leap of faith. Especially if he doesn't have to do it alone this time." --- Bucky is finally ready to be submissive in front of Steve. Turns out, Bucky wasn't the only one who held back a piece of himself. Tony finally gets to enjoy being in control of both of his boyfriends at the same time instead of separately. --- A remix of JaracandaBanyan's fic Bucky Barnes Thinks Extremis Is Hot - with embedded moodboard in the beginning and in the end :) Words: 7,649

S5 - Warm and Fuzzy Feelings

Title: Tony Stark’s Snuggable Murder Kitten Rating: G Warnings: Fluff Pairing: Tony/Bucky (Winteriron) Summary: Bucky, even though he lives in the Tower and is an Avenger, is still the Winter Soldier. Tony Stark apparently didn't get that memo and uses every opportunity to snuggle Bucky. Bucky has zero objections. Words: 1,595

T1 - Nebula

Title: Silver love under the sun Rating: T Pairing: Pepper/Nebula, Pepper&Tony Warnings: none Summary: It was forbidden. But Pepper had nurtured forbidden feelings since she had arrived to the temple of Selene. AKA the three of them are priestesses of Selene, the Goddess of Moon. Words: 978

T2 - Weddingfic

Title: Yelling at the bride is sometimes justified  Rating: G Pairing: Sunset/Tony, pre-Bucky/Tony (ending in proper Bucky/Tony) Warnings: attempt at forced marriage Summary: Steve Rogers, part-time wedding organizer, sets up everything as Sunset Bain wanted. The only problem presents itself when they're all at the wedding, and it turns out, the groom is not as willing as Sunset hoped. Luckily Bucky is there too, and the two of them comes to the resuce. Words: 1,172

T3 - Happily ever after

Title: Take me to the magic of the moment (chapter 5.) Pairing: Tony/Bucky (Winteriron) Rating: E Warnings: mild dub-con (circumstances are pressuring the consent, plus some bdsm aspects are not pre-negotiated), Explicit sexual content Summary: "Tony was wondering how he, the fucking best tech-mage of the kingdom (or maybe the whole continent, or the whole world, if he didn't want to be humble) ended up here. (...) Which was exactly what had happened in their neighboring kingdom just a few days ago. Daddy Dearest apparently had gotten himself into some huge mess with his mages. Howard was probably dead by now, Tony at least was sure of that, knowing said mages personally. Oh yeah, that was the reason why Tony was sitting in Barnes's room in nothing but a robe." * Tony is the best tech mage, and has to work with Barnes, the best nature mage, in order to save their kingdom. It... doesn't exactly go as they planned. It goes way better than that. And way, way more intimate. A collaboration with the lovely @feignedsobriquet​! Words: 14,322

T4 - Sharing body heat

Title: Eleven, twelve, thirteen Rating: T Pairing: Bucky/Tony (Winteriron) Warnings: Barton family, mutual pining Summary: “Are you sure there is no other way?” he asked Laura, hope thinly veiled in his voice. The woman dared to give him a condescending look. "He’s your soulmate, Tony, I’m sure you two will be able to handle to be in the same room for a night." Or: Tony is not pining. Seriously, he's not. Second part of the Danger number soulmate au. Words: 3,372

T5 - Time travel

Title: Falling through time Rating: T Pairing: Steve/Tony/Bucky (Stuckony) Warnings: none Summary: Moodboard + plot summary. Strange sends Tony and Steve through time, it goes sideways, Bucky gets involved. Happy ending.  

A1 -   Kink: Dub-con

Title: Take me to the magic of the moment (chapter 1.) Pairing: Tony/Bucky (Winteriron) Rating: E Warnings: mild dub-con (circumstances are pressuring the consent, plus some bdsm aspects are not pre-negotiated), Explicit sexual content Summary: "Tony was wondering how he, the fucking best tech-mage of the kingdom (or maybe the whole continent, or the whole world, if he didn't want to be humble) ended up here. (...) Which was exactly what had happened in their neighboring kingdom just a few days ago. Daddy Dearest apparently had gotten himself into some huge mess with his mages. Howard was probably dead by now, Tony at least was sure of that, knowing said mages personally. Oh yeah, that was the reason why Tony was sitting in Barnes's room in nothing but a robe." * Tony is the best tech mage, and has to work with Barnes, the best nature mage, in order to save their kingdom. It... doesn't exactly go as they planned. It goes way better than that. And way, way more intimate. A collaboration with the lovely @feignedsobriquet​! Words: 14,322

A2 - Kink: Wax play

Title: A2 - Kink: Wax play Rating: M Pairing: Steve/Tony/Bucky (Stuckony) Warnings: Light BDSM Summary: Moodboard and headcanons for the boys.

A3 - FREE SQUARE

Title: Wonder is not gone as long as you aren’t either (chapter 1) Rating: T Pairing: chapter 1: Tony/Pepper (Pepperony), endgame: Steve/Bucky/Tony/Pepper Warnings: Endgame, Polyamory, AI!Tony Stark Summary: Tony Stark did not want to die, but he was prepared for it. After he recorded a message for his family, he also saved his consciousness, and when his heart stopped beating, FRIDAY activated the new AI's protocol. Tony rapidly learns how to fit into his new circumstances, how to handle things with Pepper, and he also figures out on the way that he cares a bit too much about some supersoldiers of his. This will be a polyamory endgame, so if you don't like that, you may want to read something else. Words: 1,353

A4 - Royalty

Title: A4 - Royalty Rating: G Pairing: none Warnings: none Summary:  Moodboard of Tony Stark as a prince of a medieval kingdom. TSB fill for the square  A4 - Royalty.

A5 - Doing groceries together

Title: Avengers do GISHWHES series - Item #23: bake and eat a cake without using your hands Rating: T Pairing: none Warnings: crack, don't take any of this seriously, grossness in the kitchen Summary: GISHWHES Item #23: bake and eat a cake without using your hands. The original task description is way longer, of course, but this is the gist of it. Bucky volunteers as a tribute, and Clint is ready to eat anything. Words: 1,770

R1 - Shared trauma

Title: Soar in the sky (with me) (chapter 3) Rating: M Pairing: Tony/Bucky (Winteriron) Warnings: standard Winter Soldier and Tony Stark warnings apply Summary: "The Asset was suddenly entirely sure that the kid was like him. He couldn’t track down the origin of that thought, or the base of this feeling of similarity, but ultimately it didn’t matter. It was instinct like battle-readiness, like the anticipation of the next move of an opponent before his conscious brain could catch on." --- "He didn't move for a moment, too surprised. This position was too sudden and too much - the closeness wouldn't have been a problem for him, Tony was used to his private space being invaded, but the fucking wing outstretched over him made it into a nest, caring and intimate. Tony was used to sudden closeness, had been in just enough parties with drunk university students, even if this environment wasn't where he would've expected something like that. What was truly shocking, though, was the lack of visceral reaction from him."

They have met more than once. It wasn't their fault that it took decades for them to come around, though. Words: 12,254

R2 - [image: Tony & Nat at IM2 party]

Title: A different take on the Iron Fam Rating: T Pairing: Tony&Natasha, Natasha/Bucky (Winterwidow) Warnings: mention of abuse Summary:  Moodboard + summary. Natasha as Tony’s little sister, getting together with Bucky.

R3 - Holiday fic

Title: Mid-youth crisis Rating: T Pairing: Tony/Bucky (Winteriron) Warnings: secondhand embarrassment might occur Summary: The Avengers Academy fic where the Academy closes its doors and Bucky has nowhere to go afterwards. Naturally, his friend (and secret crush) Tony is there to the rescue - what would be better than to move in together? It goes just as well as you expect it. A fic for Summer’s gorgeous AVAC Winteriron moodboard! Words: 1,688

R4 - Kink: phone sex

Title: R4 -  Kink: phone sex Rating: M Pairing: Steve/Tony (Stony) Warnings: none Summary:  Moodboard + snippet. Steve and Tony regularly try to have phone sex, but are always interrupted by Steve’s dog demanding attention.

R5 - Galaxy

Title: Galaxy Tony fanart Rating: G Pairing: none Warnings: none Summary:  Watercolor galaxy silhouette of Iron Man with the white negative of Tony Stark in front of it, quote added digitally over the picture.

K1 - Wearing each other's clothes

Title: A little party never killed nobody Rating: G Pairing: Bucky/Tony (Winteriron) Warnings: glitter Summary: Bucky is having a great time. Tony is confused. Steve will have a surprise, but he won't necessarily enjoy it. Words: 1,010

K2 - Revenge

Title: Take me to the magic of the moment (chapter 2.) Pairing: Tony/Bucky (Winteriron) Rating: explicit Warnings: mild dub-con (circumstances are pressuring the consent, plus some bdsm aspects are not pre-negotiated) Summary: "Tony was wondering how he, the fucking best tech-mage of the kingdom (or maybe the whole continent, or the whole world, if he didn't want to be humble) ended up here. (...) Which was exactly what had happened in their neighboring kingdom just a few days ago. Daddy Dearest apparently had gotten himself into some huge mess with his mages. Howard was probably dead by now, Tony at least was sure of that, knowing said mages personally. Oh yeah, that was the reason why Tony was sitting in Barnes's room in nothing but a robe." * Tony is the best tech mage, and has to work with Barnes, the best nature mage, in order to save their kingdom. It... doesn't exactly go as they planned. It goes way better than that. And way, way more intimate. A collaboration with the lovely @feignedsobriquet​! Chapter two includes Sobri’s embedded artwork :) Words: 14,322

K3 - Afghanistan trip gone wrong (again)

Title: Soar in the sky (with me) (chapter 5) Rating: M Pairing: Tony/Bucky (Winteriron) Warnings: standard Winter Soldier and Tony Stark warnings apply Summary: "The Asset was suddenly entirely sure that the kid was like him. He couldn’t track down the origin of that thought, or the base of this feeling of similarity, but ultimately it didn’t matter. It was instinct like battle-readiness, like the anticipation of the next move of an opponent before his conscious brain could catch on." --- "He didn't move for a moment, too surprised. This position was too sudden and too much - the closeness wouldn't have been a problem for him, Tony was used to his private space being invaded, but the fucking wing outstretched over him made it into a nest, caring and intimate. Tony was used to sudden closeness, had been in just enough parties with drunk university students, even if this environment wasn't where he would've expected something like that. What was truly shocking, though, was the lack of visceral reaction from him."

They have met more than once. It wasn't their fault that it took decades for them to come around, though. Words: 12,254

K4 - Riri Williams

Title: Iron heart, iron love Rating: G Pairing: none Warning: none Summary:  Moodboard + summary. After a battle, Tony Stark is in medical-induced coma until his body recovers from the shock he survived. Tony was prepared for something similar to happen, so in the meantime his downloaded consciousness helps the new generation of young superheroes to adjust to their new life. Orchestrating meetings between them and giving useful (or not so useful) advices both about growing up and superheroing. One of Tony's favorite is, unsurprisingly, the young and brilliant engineer Riri Williams, who built her own suit of armor.

K5 - Kink: costume porn

Title: Already a sinner, and I'm an overachiever  (chapter 2.) Rating: E Pairing: Steve/Tony/Bucky (Stuckony) Warnings: PWP, BDSM, consensual loss of bodily anatomy, bondage and restriction Summary: "Extremis and his arm - that for a long while was a combination solely for Tony's and Bucky's pleasure. He shared Tony in almost every aspect, but this, this was private, this was theirs… His greedy mind recoiled from the idea of sharing until only recently. Lately, Bucky feels that he might be ready to share Tony completely with Steve. They are all together in this relationship after all, but Bucky held back this piece of him from Steve, afraid that Steve wouldn't be able to accept that submissiveness. Just like with Tony, it took Bucky time and effort to work through his fears, but now he’s ready to make that leap of faith. Especially if he doesn't have to do it alone this time." --- Bucky is finally ready to be submissive in front of Steve. Turns out, Bucky wasn't the only one who held back a piece of himself. Tony finally gets to enjoy being in control of both of his boyfriends at the same time instead of separately. --- A remix of JaracandaBanyan's fic Bucky Barnes Thinks Extremis Is Hot - with embedded moodboard in the beginning and in the end :) Words: 7,649

***

So to summarize: 

14 fanfictions - total of 58.546 words,

1 fanart,

8 moodboards - counting one fill/fic as one moodboard, since some of them meant more than one tables,

and most of them wouldn’t have happened if not for this bingo or another.

I owe a huge, huge THANK YOU to all the amazing mods of the Tony Stark Bingo, for everything they’ve done for us. YOU ROCK! And I love you all! @tonystarkbingo

Also huge huge thanks to all the amazing betas, cheerreaders and friends who helped through the writing/editing processes, or did collabs with me - you all are the magical unicorns of the fandom who makes all of this come to reality from scraps, and I definitely wouldn’t post any single fic without your help. Thank you!

@cpt-winniethepooh @polizwrites @betheflame

[femchef]

Suffer Bitch Ficlist

What This List Is: A collection of fics that I’ve read that absolutely fuck me up emotionally, and that I appreciated/loved/needed/have impacted me enough that I’ve saved them for re-reading. If these were paperbacks, the pages would have started falling out long before now.

That said, everything on this list has an emotional resolution (even the few incomplete ones I’ve chosen to include). Nothing on this list is the kind of emotional devastation that leaves the reader feeling empty and used* because honestly I need resolution, and I hate the type of #realism that makes me go “Well what was the fucking point, then”. This list is not comprehensive; if you’re in these fandoms, you’ve likely brushed up against them before. The majority of these authors are well-known, and some of these fics have been around longer than I’d like to be reminded. 

So - what qualifies a fic for this list, anyway? 

Tears and snotty sobbing. Everything on this list has made me cry and also given me emotional chills to some degree in order to make the cut.**

Before You Read: Take any warnings I list below seriously. If it’s something that will fuck you up in a bad way, then don’t read it. Don’t open the link. We all have things that are no-go’s. Full disclosure? I can’t read anything with graphic depictions of sexual assault, though mentions, allusions to, or mild/non-graphic depictions (ex. fade to black scenarios, fuzzy memory recall, etc.) don’t bother me. I take those tags and author’s notes seriously when I’m choosing what to read. Similarly, I’m pretty blasé about a lot of gore or body horror - except, specifically, when someone is rolling around in a pit of used needles (thanks for that, Saw movies). Guess what I avoid reading? In short: be a responsible reader. Don’t be self-destructive and proceed with however much caution you require.

*a life of smoke and silvered glass is an outlier and should not be counted.

**As a baseline, please keep in mind that the first time I read JRRT’s The Two Towers, I threw my book across the room when I got to the end. Also, the scene in Whale Rider where Paikea is on stage is the one time I started gross-sobbing in a movie theatre. Make of that what you will.

On to the list!

Suffer Bitch Ficlist:

(Presented to you in order of least impactful to most)

Invitation/Complication

It’s Green

Skin Deep

a life of smoke and silvered glass

Practicing Liars

Family Night

A Wicked Game

A Piercing Comfort

Loud and Clear

Humans and Ghosts

Digging for the Bones

Chivalry 

In Care Of

A Year Like None Other

Stay

Under Wing

Distorting Equivalency 

I’m Not Broken (I Can’t Be)

[The following are in no particular order because I couldn’t decide]

19. Sacrifices Arc

20. Phantom of Truth/Shadow of a Doubt

21. Like One Sundered Star

1. Invitation/Complication Series [Homestuck]

By saffronHeliotrope

You don’t need reminding that everyone is pairing off while you have village-bicycled your way through this group of morons as if you’d never run out of time.

It occurs to you that maybe you need new friends.

Word Count: 8,033

Status: Complete

This series contains two works, one taking place immediately after the other. Have fun angsting with Dave because he can’t seem to wrap his mind around this whole ot3 thing with John and Rose (on their wedding night, ofc). Consenting (if slightly dumb) adults and polyamory all around. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/132165

2. It’s Green [Harry Potter]

By Doodled93

Harry grows up working on his Aunt’s Garden and develops a love for it, meeting Samuel and eventually Max, who gives him a Mark of his own. This Mark is changing him, making him more different than he already was, and he loves it. 

Word Count: 88,549

Status: WiP

This is marvelous kidfic - lots of good fluff. Except. You know - that one OC death that was so heart wrenching that you start bawling. The concept of magical tattoos in this fic is really nice, and Max - a prickly, rough and gruff tattoo artist is the best kind of unintentional parental mentor. The author hasn’t updated in some time, but they’ve also made a note that they’ll come back eventually when they’re ready to update to completion. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/411709/chapters/683216

3. Skin Deep [Fullmetal Alchemist]

By Batsutousai 

Trisha and Van’s first child, Edith, was born a beautiful, healthy girl. The only problem? Ed knew he was a boy.

Word Count: 17,083

Status: Complete 

As you may have guessed from the description, this is a mostly canon AU featuring a trans Edward Elric. I love it, I appreciate how it was written, especially that it’s not a romantic plot - and not only was I crying after the first read, but rereads still give me the sniffles.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8197400/chapters/18779738

4. a life of smoke and silvered glass [Harry Potter]

By dirgewithoutmusic

Albus Dumbledore rose to his feet, smiling at them in that way of his, like he knew something you didn’t and he was proud of you for it. “Friends,” he began. 

The door thudded open and the Marauders burst in, late and pink-cheeked with cold. The headmaster smiled at them, too, and Sirius gave a cheery little salute back.

Severus sunk lower in his chair, staring witheringly over his butterbeer. “You told Potter about it, too?” 

“He might as well put all that energy to good use,” said Lily. “And to be accurate, I told Remus.” 

“But Potter, really?” said Severus.

“He and Black cooked up a jinx that gives you a boil every time you say a slur to a Muggleborn,” said Lily. “It was either invite them to Alice’s war club or bake them cookies, and I know where my skills lie.” 

Severus sniffed. “Don’t come crying to me if he tugs your pigtails.” 

“Come crying to me if he pulls yours, and I’ll deck him.” said Lily.

(Slight AU in which Severus apologizes, tries harder, and stays friends with Lily.)

Word Count: 22,794

Status: Complete

This is the Severus Snape that canon wanted. The greatest tragedy that never has to explicitly be spelled out (and the reason this fic is so heartbreaking and infuriating) is that the end results are the same.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11457669

5. Practicing Liars [Harry Potter]

By Lomonaaeren

AU of HBP. Harry found out that he was Snape’s son two years ago, and he’s carefully concealed it. But now Snape is his Defense teacher, and Draco Malfoy is up to something, and Dumbledore is dying, and the final battle is coming up, and everything is getting very, very complicated. 

Word Count: 206,306

Status: Complete

Oh boy, bring on the angst. A Severitus fic with a lot of bitter, petty feelings. Half Blood Prince is such a popular point in HP canon to veer off into AU territory (for good reason), and just - the timing, the missed opportunities, the growth. Lots of feelings. Also drarry. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/990947/chapters/1955931

6. Family Night [Harry Potter]

By Celebony

As Hogwarts starts a quarterly Family Night, Harry is determined to take part. Facing the heartache of looking in all the wrong places, he’ll have to discover the true meaning of family, and that sometimes it comes from where you least expect it. 

Word Count: 33,000

Status: Complete

Eventual Severitus fic. Unhealthy coping mechanisms, emotional abuse, anxiety, self-destructive behavior, angst, grief, and (eventually) healing and recovery - this fic has it all. To me, I think this is the author’s best work, but obviously I have a preference. Fans of Remus tread carefully, this story may not be for you. 

Read here: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/2682144/1/Family-Night

7. A Wicked Game Series [Fullmetal Alchemist]

By Tierfal

Roy has lucked into the all-expenses-paid vacation of his dreams - all he has to do is convince a bunch of happy couples that he’s head-over-heels in love with Ed Elric. What could possibly go wrong? 

[Modern!AU].

Word Count: 64,884

Status: Story is Complete, but Series is still open for possible future oneshots/additions 

Currently three completed works in the series. Roy and Ed as struggling grad students who share lab space stuck in a cabin full of obnoxious couples. This story resonates so well for me, because it was the first time I read something where a character actively struggles with depression where I really felt like someone GOT IT. So, be warned - suicide mentions, depression, angst, and a lot of puns. Safe Roy/Ed, though if that’s not your jam, better take a miss. 

 Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/372113

8. A Piercing Comfort [Harry Potter]

By talithan

When Harry Potter hits the lowest point of his life so far, it is not his friends who keep him honest. With Draco Malfoy’s patience and guidance, Harry learns to stand on his own. The thing is, after the fact - he’s no longer sure he wants to. 

Word Count: 44,566

Status: Complete

This fic has art by onthecount! It’s lovely. Anyway - Oh my god. When I talk about things resonating on some, soul-deep level. The way depression, and trauma, and PTSD is handled is... Well. I don’t go back to this often, but it’s because (for me) reading this fic is cleansing. Draco and Luna as therapists running a burgeoning wizarding practice is pretty great. If you couldn’t guess by reading the summary, this is an eventual drarry fic - and I’ll be upfront, if the idea of dating your former therapists squicks you out, don’t read. I like how it’s written out, it doesn’t feel inappropriate, or like any sort of power imbalance to me, but I can see where that wouldn’t be everyone’s cup of tea either. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/857495

9. Loud and Clear Series [Fullmetal Alchemist]

By Tierfal

The thing with Roy is founded on coffee snobbery and stupid text messages and seriously awesome makeout sessions in the car. Oh, and the love of a lifetime, or whatever.

Word Count: 280,924

Status: WiP

Currently there are six completed works, and one in-progress (with at least one more slated by the author). Also known as ‘The modern!AU Roy/Ed fluffball fic (of doom)’, there is emotional baggage/angst throughout that hints at darker things but nothing too dreadful until the fourth entry in the series, “Another One of Those Heartbreak Songs”. Anxiety, depression, war crimes, rape and consent (and, fyi, one of the best descriptions of what exactly enthusiastic consent IS, is in the current entry of the series, “The Boiling Point”) are all being dealt and felt in this story. Safe Roy/Ed fic that starts with a coffeehouse!AU style meetcute and follows the deepening relationship between Roy (established lawyer who works with veterans) and Ed (making the transition from struggling grad student to frazzled professor), and has a delightful dose of Al/Win tossed in. One of the most relatable things about this series is how all the terrible things about your worst relationships don’t really hit you until you’re smack in the middle of the best relationship you’ve ever had, and it’s ROUGH. Consider this your explicit warning: if mentions of rape/sexual abuse, or abusive ex’s set you off, don’t read.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/167693

10. Humans and Ghosts [Danny Phantom]

By RedHeadsRock1010

If there was one thing Danny Fenton perfected since receiving his powers, it was how to pretend. 

Word Count: 26,751

Status: Complete

ANGST. Angst and neglectful parents. Angst and neglectful parents and two siblings doing the best they can. Jazz is a real MVP in this story. Also blood and gore. And torture. Oh my god. Still makes me cry. Consider this your explicit warning: if mentions of torture, or neglectful/abusive parenting set you off, don’t read. While it’s not a religious fic, the impact of the parenting codes like some of the horror stories you might have heard about being in the closet and growing up with religious parents. You have been warned. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12315771/chapters/27999459

11. Digging for the Bones [Harry Potter]

By Paganaidd

Rather than allowing Harry to stay at Diagon Alley after he blew up Aunt Marge, the ministry sends Harry back to the Dursley’s. Harry returns to school after a terrible summer, to find that he’s not the only one with this kind of secret. A student has been killed by his family. New screening measures are put into place by the Ministry: Every student must be given a medical exam and interview to look for child abuse. With Dumbledore facing an inquiry, Snape is entrusted with the task of making sure EVERYONE receives one. 

Word Count: 203,178

Status: Complete 

As the author warns before the fic, there is a character death in the first chapter. The story is an AU of Prisoner of Azkaban. Suicide, attempted suicide, and suicidal ideation are a big part of the story. Child abuse, death by child abuse (and the aftermath), ptsd, and the appalling effects of dementors on a castle full of kids are pretty central to the plot. Eventual Severitus. Also accidental necromancy. This is a monumental hurt/comfort fic and there are a LOT of feelings. And angst. Consider this your warning: if explicit attempted suicide, or suicidal thoughts set you off, don’t read. If mentions of physical abuse/child abuse set you off, don’t read.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/598019/chapters/1078847

12. Chivalry Series [Harry Potter]

When Harry appears at the Welcoming Feast wearing a glamor only Snape notices. Snape decides to find out what the glamor is hiding. 

You, the guiltless, will pay for your father’s sins,

Roman, until you repair the decaying 

Temples and shrines of the gods, and their

Images, filthy with blackening smoke.

When you act as servant of the gods, you rule:

From them all beginning, leave them the ending. 

Horace, Odes III-6

Word Count: 123,467

Status: Series is marked as Ongoing, though individual stories are Complete

Welp. Angst, some explicit child abuse (specifically physically violent Vernon Dursley), grief and mourning, ptsd, accidental potions class disasters that lead to more angst, sickfic, hurt/comfort, blood, gore and violence, child neglect, and eventual found-family by way of Severitus and a developing sibling relationship between Harry and Luna. There is a lot to unpack here. The interactions between Harry, Luna and Severus are especially endearing and heartbreaking. This is your explicit warning: if explicit child abuse /physical abuse set you off, or if accidentally forced (yes, I know how that sounds) flashbacks set you off, don’t read. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/12306

13. In Care Of

By Fangs_Fawn

During the summer before sixth year, Harry finds an injured bat in the garden and decides to try to heal it... and an unwilling Snape learns just what kind of a person Harry Potter really is. 

Word Count: 45,319

Status: Complete 

I’m gonna be upfront with you. Vernon and Dudley Dursley are very sadistic in this story. Tread with caution. That said, along with the angst this is a very solid hurt/comfort fic that is also a reciprocal hurt/comfort fic (in that, first Snape is helped, and then Harry). It’s a nice emotional exchange. Violence - explicit child abuse and torture, grief, and a very petulant animagus. This is your explicit warning: if physical torture/violence sets you off, don’t read.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1023625/chapters/2036909

14. Like None Other Series [Harry Potter]

By aspeninthesunlight

A letter from home? A letter from family? Well, Harry Potter knows he has neither, but all the same, it starts with a letter from Surrey. Whatever the Dursley’s have to say, it can’t be anything good; so Harry’s determined to ignore it. But then, his evil schoolmate rival spots the letter and his slimy excuse for a teacher intercepts it and forces him to read it. And that sends Harry down a path he’d never have walked on his own.

It will be a year of big changes, a year of great pain, and a year of confronting worst fears. It will be a year of surprising discoveries, of finding true strength, of finding out that first impressions of a person’s true colors do not always ring true. It will be a year of paradigm shifts. 

And from the most unexpected sources, Harry will have a chance to have that which he has never known: a home... and a family.

A sixth year fic, this story follows Order of the Phoenix and disregards any canon events that occur after book 5. 

Word Count: 1,465,418

Status: WiP

Currently there are two completed works in this series, and one ongoing. This is a ROLLERCOASTER, omg. Terminal illness, child abuse, explicit, agonizing torture, grief and mourning, bad coping mechanisms, self-harm, self-destructive behavior - hurt/comfort out the wazoo. Eventual Severitus, this is a good, substantial found-family fic with a developing sibling relationship between Harry and Draco. I really appreciate that Severus, Harry and Draco continue to step on each other’s toes as the story moves along. They get as much wrong as they get right, and the familial development is natural. Harry does struggle a bit with the newer experience of a paternal Severus weighted by the previous years of his antagonism and petty behavior. Severus struggles with balance, Draco struggles with extremes - behavior, feelings, intrusive thoughts - it’s a very well-rounded story. This is your explicit warning: The torture is incredibly graphic, and there are needles involved. If that sets you off, don’t read. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/41198

15. Stay [Danny Phantom]

By jaeger_soul

Dash Baxter is finally a senior and this year isn’t supposed to be hard. With nothing waiting on him after graduation, he might as well sleep through his classes. He’s already got a job after high school’s over, what’s the point of reaching for anything more? He’s fine with what he has. But when ‘more’ comes in the form of a black-haired boy with similar problems to his own, can Dash really not try for it?

Word Count: 817,287

Status: WiP

This is technically a series, since the author has written one companion piece from another character’s perspective for chapter 27 of the story. Oh my god. Dash is a sweet, sweet cinnamon roll who’s just trying to muddle his way through, and terrible things happen to him. This is not Dash the bully from the canon series. The endgame ship is Dash/Danny, and it is very slow-burn. Lots of hurt/comfort in this fic, and the author’s OC’s are incredibly fleshed out and wonderfully developed. Anxiety and panic attacks are pretty heavy in this story. Small town-typical homophobic slurs, make an appearance. Teenagers having sex with other teenagers is a thing. Mentions of abortion and teen pregnancy and unwanted pregnancy all happen later on. Mentions of suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide are plot points. Abusive and abused ex partners. Child abuse - emotional, mental and physical - is the heavy hitter in this story. It is explicit and painful and heartbreaking. Consider this your warning. ABUSE. Explicit, agonizing depictions of trauma, and being used as a bargaining chip between two different but equally terrible parents - if any of that sets you off, DO NOT READ THIS STORY. 

Read here:https://archiveofourown.org/series/646532

16. Under Wing [Harry Potter/Katekyou Hitman Reborn Crossover]

By Reighost

Prophesies were tricky things and lies are even trickier. Sirius’s death becomes a catalyst and Dumbledore’s lies crumple like a house of cards. Harry is left with a burning question... Who is he really? Crossover with Katekyou Hitman Reborn!

Word Count: 145,771

Status: WiP

This story goes hard on the angst right out of the gate. And I do mean hard. Oh my god. A literal mindfuck that will leave you gasping. Psychological manipulation and torture, mind rape, body horror, and non-sexual indecent treatment of a corpse to start with. However, there is a lot of good content in this hurt/comfort fic. The author has not only brought HP and KHR together but has blended elements and characters from Spirited Away, Cardcaptor Sakura and xxxHolic together in such a way that despite all the horror, there’s actually a lot of redeeming charm. You will never find a better interpretation of the Hibari family than the Hibari’s that Reighost writes about in her universes, and this story contains a flashback to the Hibari parents meetcute and it is adorable and hilarious. While this is a wip, it’s at a very good stopping point that’s more or less the end of a story arc - so don’t let the thoughts of a slow wip put you off. This is your warning: Mind-control and mind-control recovery, and gore, all quite explicit. If that sets you off, DO NOT READ. There’s a reason this story is so far down the list. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1123387/chapters/2264363

17. Distorting Equivalency [Fullmetal Alchemist]

By Ranowa Hikura

All Ed knows is that he’s been kidnapped by a madman. 

Word Count: 173,000

Status: Complete

Go hard or go home. This is 27 chapters of kidnapping, explicit torture, and unethical alchemical experimentation with chimeras. All those feelings you have about Nina? Dial it up to eleven (to point out, Tucker and Nina are not featured characters in this story - unfortunately that disaster has already happened). A hurt/comfort fic with a very good resolution. Also becomes eventual Paternal!Roy and Ed. This is your warning: If explicit, repeated torture and body horror set you off, AVOID THIS FIC. 

Read here: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/12116762/1/Distorting-Equivalency#end

18. I’m Not Broken (I Can’t Be) [Homestuck]

By [orphan_account]

Guys don’t get raped. 

Okay, so maybe they do, sometimes. But that’s only when they’re ganged up in an alley way and shoved against a wall and get some other guy’s dick in their ass without permission. It’s forceful and bloody and masculine. At least, that’s how the media sells it.

But this isn’t rape.

When a girl buys you drinks and takes you home and crawls on top of you - well, that’s every guy’s wet dream. 

When she’s grinding down onto you and her hands are holding yours to her breasts and she’s whispering filthy, filthy things into your ear, that’s not rape.

That’s not rape no matter how many times you say no.

Word Count: 33,386

Status: Complete

This is your explicit warning: Rape. The scene is non-graphic (lead-up with fade-to-black scenario) and takes place in the first chapter. Trauma, self-harm, suicidal ideation, destructive behavior, mentions of homophobia. If the summary of this story isn’t enough of a warning, then here you go. DO NOT READ if this is what sets you off. Hurt/comfort and ANGSTANGSTANGST aside, the aspect that I appreciate most about this story is how it deals with trying to come to terms with a trauma you don’t know how to articulate (to yourself or others). I don’t generally do stories that rely on miscommunication, but in this case, it makes sense: it’s less about miscommunication for the sake of plot, and more the lack of ability to articulate effectively, which. Yeah. Dark, angsty hurt/comfort that eventually ends on a positive, hopeful note. PROCEED WITH CAUTION. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/777171/chapters/1462358?view_adult=true

DUN DUN DUN - THE BIG THREE 

Let’s call it a three-way tie, because there is SO MUCH PAIN in each of these stories, honestly I really can’t pick an order for them.

19. Sacrifices Arc [Harry Potter]

By Lightning on the Wave

Harry’s twin Connor is the Boy Who Lived, and Harry is devoted to protecting him by making himself look ordinary. But certain people won’t let Harry stay in the shadows...

Word Count: 3,081,000

Status: Complete

Wrong Boy Who Lived. Severitus, Slytherin!Harry. Drarry. If those are on your radar, this may be the story for you. Just beware literally everything else. Torture, mind-control and manipulation, child abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, neglect, rape, cannibalism (is it cannibalism when it’s a werewolf eating a human child), trauma, destructive behavior, violent loss of limb, blood, gore, viscera, necromancy - these are just some of the explicit things that take place in the series. There are eight works in the Sacrifices Arc, and they mirror the canon Harry Potter series in that they start at mild and slightly odd and become darker and more horrifying. This is a very, very long series, and it hits a lot of milestones within the HP fandom. There are lovely moments of tenderness, the OC’s are magnificent and well-developed, and while heavy-handed from time to time, the author explores notions of morality and spends a lot of time on magical theory and world-building. If you haven’t read Sacrifices Arc and want more information, google it’s tvtropes page. I would recommend doing so just to determine whether or not the story is safe for you to read if you’re concerned about it, because there is a LOT going on. Otherwise, start with the first story in the series (“Saving Connor”) and proceed with caution. You will absolutely be wrung out before you finish.

Read here: https://m.fanfiction.net/u/895946/

20. Phantom of Truth/Shadow of a Doubt [Danny Phantom]

By HaiJu

Locked away in a secret government lab with Phantom as her subject, nothing stands between Maddie and the truth... except, perhaps, herself.

Word Count: 366,000

Status: Complete

Do you want to get fucking wrecked? Because this series will do it. Holy shit. I still can’t believe I got through it. This is so well-written and so. Fucking. Painful. The first entry in the series, Phantom of Truth, absolutely GOES THERE. The second entry is... everything that comes after. I don’t feel like it spoils anything to tell you that Maddie is not the person who captures Danny Phantom, or that she does not know he’s her son. Make of that what you will. Also, the first story does have a good resolution and does not end on a cliffhanger, so if you need to take a break after, you should. Bonding happens, and I wouldn’t call it Stockholm Syndrome, since it’s between Maddie and Danny, but I also wouldn’t say it doesn’t overlap. This story is absolute fucking angst. Shadow of a Doubt explores not only the traumatic repercussions on Maddie and Danny and their relationship, but on their friends, family, acquaintances and even enemies. There are some very good OC’s that come into play later on. You know, between all the angst and pain. Tread carefully: If you think you’ll be set off by torture and abuse, DO NOT READ THIS FIC. I cannot stress that enough. 

Read here: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/7476808/1/Phantom-of-Truth

https://m.fanfiction.net/s/9683169/1/Shadow-of-a-Doubt

[It’s worth mentioning that HaiJu has an ao3, but they haven’t finished crossposting Shadow of a Doubt to their account]

21. Like One Sundered Star Series [Homestuck]

By oriflamme

Who are these shining like one sundered star? 

[Like kindled lights in untempestuous heaven,

Fair flower-like stars or the iron foam of fight.]

———

Teenage superheroes deal with hormones, mental illness, and extremely secretive guardians in a world of Horrorterrors, giant mutant lucii, mob violence, nightmares of a past life, warring anti-heroes, and asshole carapacians. Sburb AU divergence from Real Men Wear Tights. 

Word Count: 1,712,155

Status: Complete

Welcome to the AU of an AU that did a double reach-around back into canon and became a reincarnation AU. It’s fucking excellent and also fucking traumatic. Body horror, blood and gore and viscera, torture, emotional manipulation, mind control, child abuse, emotional abuse, unhealthy coping mechanisms, attempted suicide/suicidal ideation, codependency, alcohol abuse, just to name a significant few. This is a huge pale-tango clusterfuck and it’s glorious. The world-building is insane. Richly developed OC’s, good use of languages, images that a slowly incorporated into a story of increasing breadth and complexity - and a fucking bombshell that will hit you really, really hard about midway through the story. So much pain. Again, this is another series with a tvtropes page that you should visit if you have any concerns before reading, because there is just that much going on. There are three works in this series, two are companions to the main body of work. Proceed with caution, because this will squeeze the life out of you. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/56682

Welp.

[hopelesstvaddict]

ASOUE’S CONVOLUTED PLOT COMES TO ITS FINAL DENOUEMENT

It all led to this. With The Penultimate Peril, ASOUE manages to encompass all the ingredients that made its success - adults being incompetent, children being too bright for their own good, self-deriding humor and dry fourth wall-breaking, big emotional moments (good and bad), secret organizations and of course, how could it not end up in flames ? The Penultimate Peril sees the Baudelaires arriving at the Hotel Denouement, which again channels Wes Anderson - The Grand Budapest Hotel, anyone ? - along with Kit who of course, cannot go with them because the too rare adults who seem competent at what they’re doing cannot be too helpful. Otherwise, where is all the fun ? Kit explains that the concierge of the hotel are twins, Frank and Ernest (both played by Max Greenfield), with each one belonging to one side of VFD. The entire first part of this penultimate installment is dedicated to a funny and intriguing detective game where the three children try to discover who is the mysterious J.S who has summoned (almost) the entirety of VFD while balancing their interactions with the aforementioned concierges. Going up and down the immense hotel - a grandiloquent retro-chic styled set reminiscent of the luxurious Squalor appartment, only make it ten times bigger - yields hilarious situations such as the oblivious children asking ‘Are you Frank or Ernest ?’ and getting a simple ‘Yes’ as an answer, the darkly noir-ish giant clock which has nothing better than to utter the word ‘Wrong’ each time it rings, or the numerous returning guest stars.

Because yes, just like in the book, it seems all the people that the Baudelaire orphans ever encountered on their disastrous misadventures - everyone that managed to survive, that is - is somehow present in this hotel. If this sounds like a big reunion for a grand finale, that’s perhaps not too far-stretched because this two-parter actually works as a finale of some sort. In addition to Mr Poe (sans Mrs Poe, unfortunately), we are happy to reunite with Larry-Your-Waiter (Patrick Breen), still trying and failing to be helpful, Babs (Kerri Kenney-Silver), Vice Principal Nero (Roger Bart) - who himself introduces a seemingly random piece of information on the deeds of Prufrock Preparatory; of course, this show has taught us to never let anything slip past our attention and this late in the game, this cannot not be relevant to the rest of the story - and Jerome Squalor (Tony Hale), still bitter and completely afraid of his ex-wife (though he technically still refuses the validity of the ‘ex’). Originally, Sir (Don Johnson) and Charles (Rhys Darby) were also present; due to the actors’ unavailability, they were written out. Given how this whole event ends, it’s perhaps for the best but Jerome still undirectly mentions Charles, referring to he and himself as an item.

The whole guessing over the identity of J.S is compelling enough for those who like me, had forgotten the book. There are enough characters with the initials to fit the bill, chief among them the dearly departed Jacques Snicket (Nathan Fillion who unfortunately only appears in a photo). But Jacquelyn Scieszka, Jerome Squalor, Justice Strauss (Joan Cusack) or Julio Sham could also be candidates. The first part of the installment culminates in the ‘denouement’ of the J.S mystery as well as the Frank/Ernest question, introducing one last VFD member, fan-favorite Dewey Denouement, the triplet to Frank and Ernest (because in this series, everything works better in threes). It must be said that Max Greenfield does a great job in portraying the three brothers. The show makes the relationship between Dewey and Kit more explicit than it was in the books, which allows two things. First, a sense of shock and suspense, as the pair is seen kissing and we are made to believe we are seeing Ernest, the evil brother; second, it makes it that much harder to watch when another trusted ally is ripped away from the Baudelaires. Just like Olivia (Sara Rue) at the end of last season, Dewey meets an untimely death, only this time, Olaf is not (really) to blame. The scene in question, which caps off Part One, is beautifully framed as everything unravels for both the orphans and Olaf himself who finally alienates himself from Esme. Lucy Punch really nails the break-up scene and leave it to ASOUE to finish it off with a daddy joke. But it’s really the subsequent scene that follows which is the real highlight of this first part. As Olaf threatens to harpoon Dewey, Violet, Klaus and Sunny all place themselves in front of him and reason with him over the attempted murder. It’s really the culmination of the twisted relationship they reluctantly, unwittingly developed - no more running, no more hiding on the part of the children, and no more chasing them around on his account. The face-off could very well be amplified to epic levels. Instead, it is handled subtly, quietly and in a very soothing way. Olaf’s arc continues to evolve and we see the facade cracking further. The Man With A Beard But No Hair and The Woman With Hair But No Beard may play a villainous role in The Penultimate Peril but overall as characters, they are more like the Sugar Bowl, narrative devices used to propel their former pupil forward, rather than formidable adversaries on their own.

The scene ends with one of the most beautiful cinematography the series has achieved yet (in fact, the whole episode is aesthetically wonderful) with the dead Dewey floating above the secret underground library that no one knows the existence of, now that its owner is dead. But again, this is upstaged by the next scene, which reveals the long-suspected identity of a cab driver who offers the Baudelaires a ride to safety after the catastrophe they caused. This season, Patrick Warburton gets to interact with the rest of the cast as his Lemony meets for the first (and only) time the Baudelaires. While the scene is insignificant for the children themselves, present-day Lemony goes to great lengths to explain how this brief and failed meeting caused him regrets and prompted him to go on his investigation about the lives of the orphans, which is essentially the premise of the whole show.

The second part is dedicated to Olaf's trial in what could be a reference to the Seinfeld finale which staged a similar story for its own conclusion. With the show coming to an end, it finally brings satisfying answers as to the backstory of VFD and the fateful night at the opera that provoked the schism. After 23 episodes of obscure references and mentions, Beatrice (Morena Baccarin) finally makes an (instantly delightful) appearance. The flashback is compelling and while clearly a toned-down adaptation of what transpired in the books, it does work in terms of explaining what turned Olaf against the Baudelaire and Snicket families. Back in the present, the trial allows Olaf, the Baudelaires (in their iconic book outfits! I swear, the love and respect for the book material sometimes really amazes me) and Esme to shine as they each take the stand. The theme of morality comes back in full stance as Olaf turns the table on the children and forces them to admit that in surviving, they too have sometimes indulged in grey areas. It's an arc that played out for two seasons and seeing the Baudelaires finally come to terms with it is a good payoff.

This being the de-facto finale, the producers pack as much as they can and there are many references to the show's trademarks - Olaf is cut short in one of his musical numbers, several recurring phrases return - but not so much as character arcs closure. Larry is the only definite casualty of the episode - the death itself was (kind of) hilariously stupid and fitting for the character but it is a bit unnerving to really think about it and about the contrast it draws when Olaf later cannot bring himself to kill the Baudelaires - but the fates of the giant supporting cast is left dangling in the air as the episode comes to a fiery end. Olaf plans to poison the entirety of VFD with the Medusoid Mycelium but he needs the Sugar Bowl first. The Baudelaires convince him to burn the hotel instead, stemming from the logic that a fire will be slower than the poisonous fungus and will allow some to escape. That's unfortunately overestimating the capacity of reasonable logic from the adults in this show and we are treated with a delightful scene where the Baudelaires try to warn various characters of the danger only to be rebuffed; even when adults do believe them, there is nothing further they can do. And so we bid goodbye to Esme, Carmelita, Mr Poe and pretty much all who assembled at the hotel. The feeling is perhaps frustrating but that's exactly how it happened in the books and at this point, the story has worked itself enough to not make us care that much about the characters that are left behind. I must say that I have never seen fire depicted so strangely beautifully anywhere else. The visuals really defy the expectations I had when imagining those fires as I read them.

The Baudelaires sail off with Olaf with two more lessons; justice can be blind sometimes, courtesy of the Man With A Beard But No Hair and the Woman With Hair But No Beard, and sometimes you do fight fire with fire. In trying to prevent Olaf from mass-murdering an entire hotel, they have possibly achieved the same result. The fire thus destroys almost the entirety of VFD, both sides of the schism, all evidence that could damn Olaf and perhaps the Sugar Bowl which was dropped in the secret library. This could very well work as the final scenes of the series. So many things are now resolved. We know the backstory of VFD and now it does not exist anymore. We have searched and failed at finding the Sugar Bowl and now it doesn't exist anymore. We have tried to prove that Olaf is guilty and we have (kind of) but the proof does not exist anymore and we instead have come to the realization that the Baudelaires are not as pure as they want to appear. In terms of what this series was about, this is as close to full-circling as it can get and as good a sign that the end is near as the visual clues - none better than the opening scene from the season premiere where Lemony walks through the now-decaying underground tunnels. Present-day Lemony continues his monologues in those tunnels, repeating that for him, the story of the Baudelaires stops here as he lost all traces of them. Past Lemony is seen sharing a heartfelt moment with Beatrice which explains why he's been on the run all series long and features, for longtime fans, his iconic declaration of love, in a toned-down version of its original form as it appeared in The Beatrice Letters. (If you have nothing else to do, treat yourself to the entirety of it, you won't regret it. As Beatrice says, he 'always had a way with words'.)

To complete the many parallels harkening back to the beginnings, we are treated to a reprise of the song ‘That’s Not How The Story Goes’ while moments from the past seasons recap the unfortunate series of events that graced our screens for three years.

The Slippery Slope | The Grim Grotto | The Penultimate Peril | The End

[cassiopeiassky]

When Everything’s Made to be Broken (I Just Want You to Know Who I Am) Part 50

Good grief.  When I started this fic 2 years ago, I had no idea that it would reach 50 parts, have over 154k words over 300 pages, have a companion piece, and still wouldn’t be done.  Thank you all so much for reading these words, leaving such wonderful comments, and giving me such amazing encouragement.  It means the world to me.

Plot:  When you inadvertently become a witness to a murder and are suddenly a target for death, it takes a specially skilled soldier and his team to keep you and your family safe.

This will eventually be a is a reader x Bucky fic. The reader, by the way, is a civilian. No super powers, no fighting skills, and by no means perfect.  

Word count: 4198

Warnings:

For the entire work:  Language (I have a potty mouth), violence, and angst.  This will probably get pretty dark later on, and there will be smut.  If that’s not your thing, you may want to avoid this story.

Additional warnings specific to this part: Mentions/descriptions of anxiety, mental illness, panic attack, PTSD, injuries.  .

***I do not own any of the lyrics/music in this story, so please don’t sue me for using them***

Tags moved to the end.

WEMtbB Masterlist

Previously on WEMtbB:

Bucky was right.  Being in a truck made you feel freer than you had since coming here, because you didn’t feel caged or cloistered.   It didn’t matter that he drove past the same places two or three times, it didn’t matter that you never left the vehicle.  You were free, you were with him, and the sun was shining.  He knew this, so he drove all afternoon until he got a call telling him to go to the jet.

“Are you ready to go home, Sweetheart?”

You can’t answer without crying, so you just nod.

“Then let’s go.”

The late afternoon sun begins bathing everything in a red glow as it languidly makes its way to the horizon; the winter days here are just as short as they are at home.  The reds and oranges in the clouds reflect in the snow and create the deception of it being warmer than it actually is.

Your leg aches – no scratch that, it’s fucking agony – but you don’t say anything.  You tell yourself that it’s because you missed Bucky and don’t want to fog up your first days back together, but deep down you know the truth.  The idea of taking anything, pill or shot, scares the living shit out of you.

Bucky grins at you as he pulls the truck into what looks like a makeshift airfield and up to a waiting jet.  “What, were you expecting an actual airport, Doll?”

“I…maybe?” you laugh as you look around.  It looks like someone just decided to plow a field and then landed a jet in the middle of it.  “Is this even legal?”

“We’re nothing if not resourceful.”  Bucky parks in the shadow of the jet and winks at you as he gets out of the truck, circling to your side to help you out.  Not one to waste an opportunity, he gathers you close and breathes you in as you do the same – these past few weeks were stolen from you and you don’t plan on letting any chances to love go to waste.  

God, you can’t wait to love on your boys.

The sound of crunching snow grabs your attention and a new instinctive fear makes you try to pull away to look around.  Logic tells you that it’s likely one of your friends, but what if it’s not?  What if…

Bucky doesn’t let go, but rather pulls you closer and rubs his hands up and down your back.  “It’s just Steve and Barton checking over the gear,” Bucky murmurs in your ear, “it’s okay, Sweetheart.  I’m here, you’re safe.”

Yes, right.  You’re safe now.  He’s here.  You’re here. You’re safe.  Breathing deeply, you focus on what you can sense; the security of his arms tight around you, the smell of snow in the air, the feeling of his hair tickling your nose, the sound of his even breathing in your ear.

More or less settled, you pull back slightly to look around.  Your eyes go to Clint, who smiles widely and waves when he sees you.  “Ready to go home?”

“Hell yes,” you mutter, and you’re about to add something else when Steve steps around the front of the jet and into the deepening sunlight, and the words fly out of your mind.

The red light from the setting sun bathes Steve in a coppery glow and has turned his hair almost crimson.  You blink and stare – it’s just a trick of the light, you know this – but you could swear you just saw blood matting his hair.

Oh for fuck’s sake, get a grip on yourself…there’s no way…no…way…

You blink again, and the air in your lungs thickens into cement as the world reverses its customary course around the sun and flings you violently back into that hated dining room. The frigid winter air is traded for the suffocating heat radiating from the fireplace as the cruel sound of the Krakkens’ laughter echoes hollowly and endlessly in your ears.

You stare at Steve’s head - first on his shoulders, then on the silver plate in front of you, now on the floor.  You can vaguely hear your name spoken by concerned voices from a distance, but how are you supposed to tear your gaze away from the vivid nightmare etched into your memories?  It doesn’t matter if you close your eyes – the view is still the same.

Until, mercifully, it’s not.

Maybe it’s the sound of Tony’s voice yelling as he runs across the makeshift airfield to you, “Get out of the sun, Rogers!  Move your ass out of the sun!”

Maybe it’s the sorrowful understanding in Bucky’s wide eyes as he steps in front of you, eclipsing the view that triggered a horror and grief so deep you can still taste its bitterness at the back of your throat.

Maybe it’s the sudden movements from people you are only just now aware of – Clint, Nat, Sam, and even Galina – their actions defensive and alert against a threat they can’t see because it’s only in your mind.

Either way, the vision finally fades and gives way to reality; when he steps into the shadow of the jet to approach you, he’s just Steve again, alive and whole and looking worried as hell.

You can’t keep your eyes from darting back to his neck.  “You were dead.”  The thick voice doesn’t sound like yours, but no one else had his head fall to the ground at their feet, so it must have been you that spoke.  Reality solidifies itself further when his head stays firmly attached to the rest of him, and suddenly you’re very aware of all the eyes on you.  Intensely uncomfortable with the scrutiny, the heat rushes to your face.  “Oh my God.  Um. I’m sorry.  I didn’t…I didn’t mean to…”

Steve watches with a guilty expression as Tony finally reaches you and puts a comforting arm around your shoulders; the twitchiness you felt during breakfast returns immediately. “Kiddo, you’re the last one that should be apologizing.  Besides, it isn’t like all of us haven’t had the same thing happen at some point.”

A strained smile graces your features as you try to subtly shrug out from under his arm while simultaneously and not entirely successfully holding back your sudden tears.  Words won’t come out because your throat insists that any sound will be accompanied by a sob, so you merely nod.  

“Let’s get you on the jet,” Bucky murmurs, reaching to pick you up.

Shaking your head, you take an awkward step back and try to form words that won’t sound like you’re choking or crying.  “No.  I can walk,” you finally manage.  The idea of being carried and it being so obvious to everyone how helpless you are absolutely mortifies you.  You know you’re being ridiculous – you’re surrounded by the last people on earth that would judge you – but you can’t help it. So you turn, pulling your arm from Bucky’s light touch when he attempts to steady you.  He does a good job of hiding the hurt in his eyes, but you still see it.  It makes you hate yourself for being the one to put it there, for being so goddamn irrational.

It’s only a few paces to the metal steps to the plane, and the handrails on either side of you make for relatively steady if not slow progess.  Bucky walks behind you, careful not to touch you but close enough to catch you should you stumble.  It takes a lot out of you physically by the time you finally reach the top, and even more out of you mentally when you realize how much this mirrors your trip here. You could barely climb the steps then but did it out of some deep-seated stubbornness and spite that the poison in your veins hadn’t managed to subdue.  And now here you are, except this time the poison is in your mind.  The irony isn’t lost on you, not one bit.

“Oh thank God,” you mumble as you step through the threshold. Yes, it’s a jet, but the inside looks nothing like the one you’d been forced to take here.  That’s something, at least.  It mirrors Tony’s tastes impeccably – stylish and modern in appearance, but also comfortable and user friendly despite the extravagant luxury.  And good grief, it even smells expensive.  

It only takes a second or two for you to assess your surroundings and to awkwardly begin limping your way to the very back of the jet.  It looks like there are lots of little coves and nooks set up within the cabin, and you’re extraordinarily grateful for that.  Right now, you crave solitude and privacy.

The small area you choose would be enough to hold two, maybe three people comfortably.  The partitions separating the seating areas aren’t thick and there are no doors, so there’s nothing to stop sound from carrying, but at least you feel protected from everyone’s concerned gazes.  There’s what would pass as a chair and a half – not quite as big as a loveseat but more than big enough to accommodate your form if you curl up – and a smaller but equally plush chair placed opposite and slightly to the left.  Choosing the bigger of the two, you remove your coat and use it as a makeshift blanket as you arrange yourself to lie curled up on your side with your injured thigh facing up.  You face the back of the chair, hoping that anyone that happens to walk by will take the hint and leave you the fuck alone.

Your plan works, at least for now.  Unfortunately, you can’t figure out if this makes you happy or sad.  What the hell do you feel?  You feel guilt at your last moments with Bucky – who you happen to know is just on the other side of the partition from you, listening carefully for any indication that you need or want him – but what do you say to him?  Gee, Buck, I’m sorry I’m such a fucking train wreck right now.  I’d love to talk about my feelings but I have no fucking idea how to explain them, hell, I can’t even put words to them in my own brain.

Fuck.  Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

What do you want? Figure that out first.  You want Bucky.  Full stop.  It’s why you said what you said when you first found out that he was himself and not the Soldier, and your words of reassurance last night.  That hasn’t changed, not one bit.  So why isn’t he here right now?  Because you more or less pushed him away.  Still, he’s just inches away, patiently waiting for you.  So what’s the problem?

Shame. Twitchiness.  Pain.  Loneliness. Anxiety.  An overwhelming sense of unworthiness at what he had to do for you, sacrifice for you, in order to save you.  Anger.  Loathing for those monsters that hurt Bucky and took you away from your children.  Hopelessness.  A paralyzing fear that you’ll never be yourself again, even though you’re sure you were pretty close to normal less than an hour ago when you were driving around with Bucky.

And then there’s the suffocating yet disconnected understanding of just how utterly broken you are.

The tears are hot on your cheeks but you just wipe them away with your sleeve and try to keep quiet. You can hear and feel Bucky shifting restlessly because of course he can hear you with that damned supersoldier hearing, but he respects your unspoken request for space.

But it isn’t space that you crave, not really.  What you really want is to be okay.

Footsteps head your way until you hear a hushed conversation.  If you tried you could probably make out what they’re saying, but you can’t bring yourself to care.  At least, not until a dark head pokes around the edge of the partition.

“Hey, Kiddo.”  Tony waits patiently until you dejectedly turn your head look at him.  “I’ll leave you alone in a minute, but I wanted to let you know that we’re taking off soon.”

“Okay.  Thank you.”  No point in being rude.

Tony sighs quietly – surprisingly, there’s no trace of exasperation, just a sort of sad acceptance. “You’re gonna have to sit up and buckle yourself in for the takeoff, Kiddo.”

Oh.  Right.

As you slowly pull yourself up, Tony removes your coat and tosses it on the seat across from you.  It occurs to you to be indignant, but then he makes a big show out of unfolding a thick, dark blue blanket.  

“This will keep you warmer than that jacket.  The seatbelts are tucked into the seats – you just have to dig a little for them.” He’s uncharacteristically subdued, and your shoulders slump a little with the weight of knowing that it’s probably your fault he’s acting like this.

He watches to make sure you get buckled in properly but doesn’t reach to do it for you.  You appreciate that.  Then the ache in your heart eases slightly when he bends to drop an almost fatherly kiss to the top of your head before resting his steady hand on your shoulder.  “Do you want something for the pain?”

“No!  No…no thank you.”  If you answer too quickly, he doesn’t let on that he notices - but of course he probably does.  Tony is more observant and has way more empathy than people give him credit for.

He nods. “Let me know if you need anything.”

You don’t speak until he’s almost blocked from view by the partition, and then the words are out of your mouth before you realize you were even thinking them.  “How did you know what I was seeing?”

Tony takes a step back, swallowing hard before his watery eyes meet your own, and you realize that maybe it isn’t your current behavior that has him acting so…not Tony Stark.  “The look on your face - I’ve seen that look before.  I was, uh, watching through their security cameras when those bastards pulled that bullshit stunt on you.”  He swallows hard again.  “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget it.  So when I looked around to find out what triggered you, I put the pieces together when I saw how red Steve looked in the light.”

Shame comes crashing down on you like a piano in an old Looney Toons cartoon.  You’d been so wrapped up in your own battling emotions that you hadn’t taken the time to see how you and Bucky aren’t the only ones permanently scarred from your ordeal; some of the others are dealing with the things they had to do to get you back.  You’d noticed the heavy, haunted guilt in Bucky’s eyes when he thinks you aren’t looking, but that same look was in Steve’s eyes after you had your episode outside the jet.  And now Tony – now that you’re looking for it, it’s impossible to miss.  You mentally run through the laundry list of what Tony has possibly felt over these past few weeks; helpless, frustrated, powerless, inadequate.  A sense of failure because he considered himself responsible for your safety. “Well, um, thank you.”  What else can you say?  You already know from your own current experience that words don’t really help.

Tony shakes his head with a fair amount of self-disgust.  “Don’t thank me, Kiddo.  It’s my fault you were there in the first place.”  He leaves before you have a chance to respond, to tell him that it isn’t his fault and that you don’t blame him for anything.

You cover your face with your hands as you shake your head.  One would think that this moment should feel like a victory – you and your friends made it out alive and you’re going home – but it just doesn’t.  It almost feels hollow.  Or maybe it’s just you that’s hollow.

***

Footsteps and a quiet conversation pulls you out of yourself.  Steve is saying something about eating and cruising altitude or something like that, but there isn’t an ounce of you that cares.  You’ve been numbly staring at a point on the wall in front of you for – how long, maybe 20 minutes? – and you just now realize you’ve been staring at a tv screen.  It’s been…fuck, it’s been weeks since you’ve watched tv.  They didn’t see fit to give you one in that prison disguised as a fucking ugly bedroom; they wouldn’t even give you a radio because they preferred for you to spend your days in silence.  The sudden desire to watch a movie makes you feel so normal for a second that you start to cry.

“Sweetheart?”  Bucky’s voice, soft and hesitant, makes you wipe your tears and look to him.  He’s standing on your side of the partition but seems reluctant to come closer.  

It hurts, fuck it hurts to see how you’re impacting him, and your face crumples.  “Bucky, I…I’m so sorry, Bucky.”  

He knows you, knows you inside and out, and he takes your words for the implicit invitation they are. Bucky puts down whatever he was holding and squeezes himself into the chair with you.  “Hey, hey, no Sweetheart, no,” he murmurs as he holds you close and strokes your hair.  “You don’t have to be sorry, you haven’t done anything wrong.”

It feels like a superhuman effort, but you manage to reign in your tears after just a few moments; you’re not quite ready to fully let go.  “But I –“

“Sweetheart, listen to me. You just went through a major trauma.” He cradles your face in his hands, grazing his thumbs over your tearstained cheeks, and like always the contrasting touches of warm and cool grounds you.  “What you’re feeling right now – all those overwhelming and conflicting emotions and thoughts, the mood swings, wanting to push people away but then craving contact, the incredible want to lash out at anyone and anything, even what you saw outside – those are all perfectly normal reactions.”

Unsteady breath in, shaky breath out.  “I know.” Of course you know, you were – are, dammit, not were, are – a psychology student, for fuck’s sake.  You recognize what’s going on but that makes it even worse because it feels like you should be able to stop it.

“I know you know, Sweetheart.”  And of course he does; he’d occasionally helped you study back at the safehouse.  Besides, Tony was right – like everyone else on the jet, he’s been through it.  Bucky gives you a sad smile as he tucks a lock of hair behind your ear.  “I hate to break it to you, but that isn’t going to be much help right now.”

A tearful laugh bubbles out of you.  “Yeah, I kind of picked up on that.”

“Hey,” Bucky waits to speak again until your eyes meet his, “It’s gonna be okay – you’re gonna be okay.  We’re gonna get to New York, we’re gonna get your leg fixed, and then we’re gonna get you some help to deal with this.  You’re not going through this alone, okay?  I’ll be with you every step of the way.”  He stares at you intently before speaking again, “And no matter what, you need to know that there’s nothing you can do or say that will scare me away.  You might have some rough days ahead – the first few therapy sessions are a real bitch, let me tell you – but no matter what happens, I’m not goin’ anywhere.”

You can’t help but look away in shame when you hoarsely whisper, “But I’m so broken.”  

“Sweetheart,” he admonishes softly, “we’ve both been at least a little broken since the day we met. Our pieces have always fit together just fine.”

You nod at the truth of his words as you sniffle, and then reluctantly pull out of his grasp to blow your nose.  “How are you so steady right now?”

Bucky practically snorts as he shakes his head.  “I’m not, not really.  I’m constantly fighting every instinct I have to protect you to the point of smothering you, and I start to have a panic attack if I can’t see, feel, or hear you for more than a minute or two.  I, uh, I have to do breathing exercises when one of us goes to the bathroom.  Showering yesterday just about killed me.”

“Seriously?”

He nods sheepishly.  “The only differences between us are that I had years of forced training on controlling my emotions and actions, and that I have already gone through intensive therapy for severe PTSD.  I’ve already started working my program again and that’s what’s holding me over until I can get to my therapist.”

You allow his words to sink in as you take a deep breath.  He’s been through this – he’s been through far worse and survived traumas that lasted much, much longer – and he came out the other side as the man you fell completely, totally in love with.  The flare of hope that makes its way into your heart adds itself to your already impossibly confusing maelstrom of emotions.

“Sweetheart – I know it’s hard, I do, but where you’re at is where you’re at.  I’ll always find you, and I’ll meet you there.”  He waits for your nod, and continues, “It doesn’t scare me. You don’t scare me.  I know it might not feel like it, but the worst is over.  You’re strong, Sweetheart, so incredibly strong.  You’re gonna find your way out of this.”

You nod again, more sure this time.  “I trust you, Bucky.”

His lips turn up into the graceful, easy smile you’d missed so much.  He doesn’t bother hiding the thread of pride when he rests his forehead against yours and murmurs, “I know you do.”  

When Bucky presses his lips to yours, the world shifts a little and things suddenly don’t seem quite so bleak.  It somehow feels like everything is going to be okay, even if it takes some time to get there.  You aren’t naive enough to believe that things will stay this way; now that some of the anguish has cleared it’s easier for you to apply your learning to your own situation and recognize that this shift, although welcome, is likely temporary. The pendulum will swing the other way again, but if you can start a program with a competent therapist the swings will become less drastic.  Eventually you’ll reach a balance.  You can come back from this.  Eventually.

Optimism, no matter how fragile, for the win.

“There she is.”  A smile somehow finds its way to your face as he continues, “I told you I’d find you.”

“You’re such a putz,” you huff, knowing he hears the affection in your voice, and as his gentle laughter joins yours he reaches across to the other seat.

“Steve brought us something to eat.”  Bucky presses one of the two dishes covered with plastic wrap into your hands.  “We only have a microwave so it’s just Easy Mac and –“

“Chicken nuggets!” You all but tear the wrap off. Not only has your conversation with Bucky revived your appetite, but you sorely missed this kind of food.  Too much of what you‘d been served during your imprisonment either wasn’t to your liking or was almost nauseatingly repetitive. As such, soggy microwaved chicken nuggets are a luxury, one you promise yourself to never again take for granted.

“I’m glad I don’t have to persuade you to eat.”  He looks genuinely relieved as he shifts his ginormous frame in the chair to start digging into his own food.  It’s a tight fit, but neither of you are willing to move.

“Bucky,” you pick up a nugget and take a slow bite, not minding the slight rubbery texture in the least.  “I haven’t had a chicken nugget in weeks. It was mostly stewed meat with a fifty percent chance of being ruined with mushrooms, some form of potato, and sour cream.  I probably would have gone hungry if it wasn’t for Mikhail bringing me pastries almost every night.”

Mikhail.

Back swings the pendulum.

“Um, speaking of Mikhail…” Bucky pauses as he takes your hand in his, “I have something for you, a letter he wrote when he started working with us.  I promised to give to you if he didn’t make it.”  The pain is evident on his face, and you can’t help but wonder if Mikhail somehow managed to burrow into Bucky’s heart just like he did yours.  “It’s in my bag with the rest of our cargo so I can’t get it right now, but as soon as we land I can pull it out.”

Your head is shaking and your eyes fill with tears before he finishes speaking.  “I can’t…I’m not…I…”

“When you’re ready,” he murmurs.  “I’ll hold onto it until you’re ready.”

“Thank you.” Desperate for a distraction to keep you from losing the progress you’ve made in the department of not being a complete wreck, your eyes dart around until they land on the tv.  “Can we watch a movie or something?”

“Absolutely.  FRIDAY, please show any Disney animated movie except Snow White and Pinocchio.”  

Honestly, this man is too good to be true.

“Yes, Sargent Barnes.” The tv lights up and just a few moments later the opening for the Emperor’s New Groove starts playing.  “I hope you don’t mind – I took the liberty of downloading your preferences from SUNDAY.”

“That’s perfect FRIDAY, thanks.”

“My pleasure.”

“I never thought I’d get used to and actually miss an AI presence, but here we are,” you mutter.

Bucky puts his arm around your shoulders as he snickers.  “I’m right there with you, Sweetheart.”  

He waits until you finish eating before he cocoons you both into the blanket, content to watch your favorite movies until the jet lands safely in New York.

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