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inkaanki · 1 year

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Letter buried in the backyard

why didn’t my father love me? why are his hand prints burned across me, when he never held me? why do my lovers suck their teeth at the sight of me when my lights are dim? why do I fall from so very high? why do some of them get lost forever looking for my worm? when will i shine in the sunlight and grow? where were my feathers, where were my fangs? how little i was. how does something come from nothing? or am i nothing just like him? was it like looking into a mirror, all black irises and silence? did you choose to name a shadow ‘daughter’? was I ever even yours? why is my heart so heavy when there’s nothing there? i wonder if you ever lie in bed wondering about me? i wonder if you wake in the middle of the night clutching your chest with my laughter ringing in your ears. i wonder if you go out walking in the night with my hair floating all around you? i wonder if the hush of early morning reminds you of my eyes? I wonder if an old picture of me wrinkles in the corner of your wallet. I wonder if an image of me hangs above the mantle in your mind. did you miss me everyday, watching my yards of black hair flying past? do you regret the things you never gave me? are there mountains of letters in a deposit box explaining everything? Will they make a difference?

you made me a painter, you gave me visions, you gave me sight beyond sight. you were my first blank canvas. will you die and never let me know? why didn’t you love me? why did i want you to? were you afraid you’d love me too much? Were you afraid you’d love yourself? Did you ever try? did I bury you, do you still hear me calling him daddy? It’s the most I ever told you. Do you hear it in the creaking floorboards and bird songs? Do you turn your head hoping its me? Do you stop strangers in the street thinking you’ve seen me? i hope you remember the timbre of my voice. did you want us to have the exact same wounds? why didn’t your father ever love you? Were you worthless and small? Did you cry yourself to sleep as your mother slept? Did you starve in plain sight? Did the wind beat your stomach like a drum? Did you feast on anyone who showed you the least bit of kindness? Did you scream when the blood on your skin turned cold? did you think of me while mopping floors and kneading dough? did a room of diners eat my love? Was there just never any left at the end of the day? We’re you a dying mule? Did you cross a river that licked up all my love before you came home? will i ever be healed? will i ever be released? will i ever stop cowering at bouquets of flowers? will i ever stop turning love to coins i can count? will i ever be able to open my palms without wincing? why didn’t you love me? why don’t you love me now?

you were my first broken promise. i wonder why you stayed to give us nothing. when will i be done hating you? didn’t you see how my arms hung just like yours? why am i so scared of you? why can’t i tell you all these things? am i afraid to know that you loved me all along and said nothing? am i afraid that there’s someone inside who still reaches across the years for you? is this how you planned it, so i would always think of you?

#me #fathers day #prose poem #this is my father’s day poemish thing i wrote a thousand years ago

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sabertoothalex · 2 years

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There in the stars, infinite possibility.

Here on Earth one foregone conclusion.

The truth is that the words didn’t even have to leave your lips for their vibration to reach my ears. Isn’t that just the way of it? It is a decision you made but one that I have borne into reality.

What do you mean that I’m being ridiculous? I have clearly read the signs and I know you would agree that I am quite the reader of signs.

It’s in my mind? Well sure, I guess I never heard you say it out loud, but the signs are clear as the early summer morning, golden rays beam over the far off hill, drowning all in the glow, revealing everything as truth.

It’s just that there’s now this palpable distance between us and it makes me worry. In that distance is room to think and you know how I am.

This is what I imagine will happen, it is deliciously catastrophic! A volcano bursting in the middle of my thoughts, what isn’t instantly scorched by lava is suffocated by ash. And there lay all of the beautiful possibilities I once imagined, crystallized in forever stasis. Maybe one day to be gawked at by others on their honeymoons, giggling about how terrible it must have been to be in this place at this time.

I think the thing for me is that the sea of possibilities is vast and in that sea everything left unsaid is buoyant and visible. When I imagine it ending, the lava flowing, the water boiling, the steam rising, everything being obfuscated…the tightness is unbearable, my chest set to burst. All those little things we were supposed to do out there, swallowed up and forever unseen.

Chill out? You know I’ve tried but I’m a ball of fire, baby. I burn hot and I burn with desire. For what I cannot even say sometimes. It could be your touch, it could be your voice, it could be your words, it could be the very idea of you. What you represent.

Ah, right. That’s not good. What you represent isn’t real. You yourself are real. I am prone to getting these things confused sometimes, I’m sorry. It’s not one of my better habits.

Well I will choose to believe you. I could be imagining things. I consent to be fooled for a little while longer. Guide me through the sea but, please please please, at least leave me a snack, a book, and enough bad experiences to convince myself this was for the best.

#wanted to write something more cheeky than I usually do #but still emotionally honest #my writing #poemish #poetry #just brain things #on anxiety a bit #inspired by the poem I previously posted #trying to write stuff that is like a riff on other things I like to see if I can capture what affected me about them

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heyitsspaceace · 1 year

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Sharks and Dinosaurs, a poem/dialogue by me

please enjoy a little back and forth poemish thing i wrote about shark and Dinosaur people <3

#im so emotional about this dynamic #this could be ass for all i care but i love it so much #writing #creative writing #writers #my writing #poetry #my poetry #my poem #original poem #poem #sharks #dinosaurs #writers of tumblr #poets of tumblr

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randomshitwithwinter · 11 months

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The Aftermath

a oneshot w/ room for expansion, what happened after the ineffable divorce, with themes of angst and its a little poemish

find it on ao3!! https://archiveofourown.org/works/50927497

thanks sm to @feralpypyrus on tumblr for the beta!

heres my playlist of crowley songs! good to listen to while crying over your own fanfic ! https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0wZPfDSO2lOjyAE7Ln33Gd?si=dgL_lI2gRnemlBkuGtMeIA

the song that plays on his radio is love like you from Steven Universe

cw: implied/referenced self harm, implied/referenced suicide, dissociation

———————————————————————

I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you. The words echoed in his head. Echoed in his head. Echoed in.

Fuck!

Fuck fuck fuck shit fuck shit shit shit. The demon banged his head on the steering wheel, the Bentley going somewhere, anywhere but here. Anywhere but here. Anywhere. Crowley's thoughts repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat,

Thinking in half prose

The kind of slam poem that isn't really a slam, just a whimper

The memories, the memories, the memories swirl.

Crowley is suddenly plunged into a fall. Not The Fall, but a fall. As much as he plays cool, he feels stiff, numb. He's crying now, but it's not him. Crowley is not himself, he is some far-off viewer, zooming out as ‘he’ drives .He can see the countryside, he can see what he looks like to passersby in cars, a sobbing, grieving mess.

It's not me

He is slammed back into his own body, suddenly overwhelmed by the sheer noise of the Bentley, the warm tears on his face, the hair on his neck. He knows that this isn't real, he isn't real. It isn't denial, not necessarily, it's something worse, something intensely different. He's not real in the sense that a hologram isn't real, in the sense that time isn't real. He is here, but not. He is utterly on a different side, our side. But now he is alone. It's no longer the side of us, it's the side of him. Him, and this weird shell of a corporal form, and this fragile shell of him he's tethered to, to the life he carved out for himself, fell apart.

Crowley doesn't know what is happening, he knows he deeply wants something, something he is too scared to name, something he can't come to terms with. It's not Aziraphale. He can come to terms with his deep longing and need for Aziraphale. This was an impulse much worse than loving an angel, one not encouraged by hell, but an impulse tolerated by them. Crowley's fingernails scraped over his wrist, over and over so hard that he drew blood. It was almost calming, in a panicky way. When had he started?

His wrist was sensitive to the slightest wind, a touch bringing pain, but it was a good kind of pain, the kind that was the only thing you could focus on. His brain suddenly cleared, and as the pain receded, became clogged with swirling thoughts. What was happening? In 6000 years, he had experienced almost all feelings, all sensations. He had experienced lust, joy, exhaustion, torture, fame, anonymity, heartbreak, pain, love, all of it. Every human emotion, and some reserved only for higher (or lower) beings. But this one was new.

He couldn't breathe.

He couldn't think.

He wanted to drive the Bentley off a cliff. In all his years, he had never felt this way, this alone. He always could go to Zira for advice, a drink, or a gentle hand. His thoughts swirled, swirled, swirled. The Bentley sped up, trying to calm Crowley.

Lightning struck outside, when had it started raining? As the demon spiraled onward, a local river developed a whirlpool.

Crashing the Bentley.

Driving down a road by a forest like this with Aziraphale, feeling.

Pure feeling.

Memories

Crowley didn't let himself get caught up in emotion. He bottled it up, but someone had cracked the glass, and the air was escaping. He sobbed.

Flashes of love.

The look in Aziraphale's eyes when he was rescued from the Nazis.

The look in Aziraphale's eyes when he was kissed.

The pure conflict in his angel's eyes.

Tears start streaming down Aziraphale's cheeks. This isn't a memory, or is it? Crowley puts a hand on the angel's shoulder.

I forgive you,

Whispered, shouted, with every tone and every intonation.

I forgive you

Crowley thinks of going to the nearest church and begging, begging for just one drop, just enough to be freed of this pain. Of this confusion. He understood the wanting holy water feeling. He wanted to defend himself have security, have safety, from his kind and from himself, rather like a human impulse to have a gun. Holy water would kill his very being. But his being was barely holding on to this world. Crowley wasn't in his body anymore, he sure as hell wasn't in his mind.

He was outside of the Bentley, he was a bird on a telephone pole, and suddenly, and all at once he was violently inside his body again, slamming his back against the seat. He tried to open his hands, to grip the steering wheel, to stop somewhere. His hands ripped down his face, trying, and failing to stop the tears. He was getting sick. Not like humans are sick, with the viruses. Like the kind of sickness when you have just upended your whole reality.

When you have done something drastically wrong.

Or drastically right.

This situation was of the drastically wrong variety.

He didn't even know what he was thinking. He couldn't control anything, he was a passenger in his own life. He tried to stop crying, to let up on the gas, to swerve to the shoulder. He opened his hand. Good, at least he had a little control back, his thoughts still going many many miles per minute.

Many miles.

Miles.

How many miles had he been driving? Where was he? He turned on the radio, and sound came out, but Crowley couldn't identify the song. It was slow and melodic and softened his crying a little bit, cleared his mind, and his thoughts slowed. He wanted to stop, to get out, the Bentley still smelled like the ginger travel sweets from Zira’s trip. He tried to speak, but nothing came out. The Bentley got it anyway. It turned into a forest-esque place, he's too tired to identify where they are. The demon gets out, and sinks onto the grass, his back to the Bentley. Tried to miracle some alcohol, any alcohol, to drink away the pain, but his miracles wouldn't work right.

They were fuzzy, a blurry polaroid, a memory. He miracled a bottle of alcohol. It was the champagne from the Ritz. Crowley instantly snapped, and the bottle disappeared. He miracles himself a simple thing, nothing complex,

A cardboard box. It's Jim's cardboard box. No.

Snap.

A ring. It's the gold ring with stars, the ring that he gave to Aziraphale in the 18th century.

Snap.

A different ring, this time the metal rings from the magic shop in 1941.

Crowley sobs, but nothing comes out. Holding the metal rings to his chest, the swirl of emotions came slowly, but then all at once. The waves finally hit, and Crowley is back in his own body, feeling the tears drying on his cheeks, the cool metal rings that he holds to his chest. They are the only reminder of aziraphale that doesn't hurt so much that he feels like he's breathing in holy water. He remembers. He remembers. He remembers.

He remembers until he forgets what happened, where he is, he falls asleep next to the warm Bentley, clutching the rings in his hands. Night falls. He lies down, and he miracles nobody bothering him till the morning. He gets cold still, so Crowley miracles himself a blanket. The demon doesn't open his eyes to see what it looks like, but he knows anyway. It's the same tartan as the blanket on Aziraphale’s bed. So Crowley falls asleep, remembering, remembering, remembering, the Bentley softly playing music, wrapped in a tartan blanket that feels so much like angel hugs. He falls asleep under his stars. He can't see them of course, but nevertheless, they are there, and so is he.

#crowley after the breakup #crowley angst #crowley #gomens #good omens fanfiction #good omens #good omens 2 #angst #weird poem elements?#did this in school #aziraphale #im so normal #good omens angst #mentions of self harm #mentions of suicide #fanfic

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thatbitchkayla30 · 5 years

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This is normal, get over it.

When I was little I would hide under the table when I was told my Father was home and I was in trouble now. It was normal, I was that that's how all little kids reacted. This is normal, get over it.

When I was in middle school I stopped talking to people, I didn't want friends. I didn't want people coming over and seeing it, what if they said something? What if it wasn't really as normal as I thought. This is normal, get over it.

In high school I was held down well he screamed in my face before summer school, I told the Guidance Counselor I was afraid to go home. They didn't believe me, I hid in the woods and then went to my Aunt's until I had to go home. This is normal, get over it.

I was an adult. I had a child, it seemed better. He seemed better. Then he lost his job, I'm a piece of shit. It's all my fault, I need to do better. Why am I still living there, I'm useless and I can't do this on my own. This is normal, get over it.

I'm 25, I'm working nights and I need sleep. He's angry, he had things to do and I slept the whole afternoon. I didn't do the dishes, I didn't vacuum, I was suppose to do that. It's my fault, I should have done what I was suppose to. This is normal, get over it.

There's a chunk of hair out of my head and my daughter is screaming in the background, he had things to do. I didn't know, how would I know? How could I have guessed. This isn't my fault. This isn't normal, fight it.

#;;TW #;;Trigger Warning #;;Abuse #Ignore me I'm annoyed and upset and kinda depressed bc my family is basically telling me I'm lying about my father's physical; mental and #emotional abuse so I wrote a sad poemish thing #;;ooc #;;Kayla's Shitty Poems

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zeroquels · 4 years

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Nobody

I am a Nobody. I awoke in darkness. I didn't know who I was, or that I even could be anybody. Simply a shell. Others gave me things to do. A purpose. ... But it never felt right. I was fulfilling someone else's purpose. Not finding my own. And when I wanted to stop, when I wanted to find more. They stopped caring. That is, if they'd ever really cared in the first place. I suppose all of us are Heartless though, so none of us can really care. But I miss my friends sometimes. Maybe if I find my own purpose though, I'll find something else to fill my chest with. And if not... what's it matter? No one would miss me.

(Little poemish thing I wrote supposed to be from the perspective of a character, but written in a vague enough way that anyone could relate to it. Sort of how I’ve felt sometimes. One of the characters I relate the most to, or related the most to, especially when I was more depressed. Also, cause I’m excited that Kingdom Hearts is coming to PC, I can finally play it again.)

#roxas #kingdom hearts #poem #poetry #depression #lost #purpose #nobody #heartless #heart

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tonystarkbingo · 6 years

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Week 4 Roundup

Name of Piece The Botanical Garden by @duckmoles Square Filled S4: Crossover Rating teen Warnings demons, identity porn Summary Tony Stark/Steve Rogers (light)

Steve doesn’t know Tony Stark very well. After a battle, it turns out that he knows even less than he thought.

A daemon au.

Mod Tisfan Commentary Cute piece, if you like daemon AUs... little bit of identity porn and a little bit of Steve being a snoop

Name of Piece The Futurist and the Stonekeeper by @rinnwrites Square Filled T2 - Drabble Rating Gen Warnings light angst Summary Tony Stark/Stephen Strange

The Futurist & The Stonekeeper turn from what is there, and hold fast to what is here.

Mod Tisfan Commentary Cute, very poetic.

Name of Piece Dear Thor, You’re Still a Dick by @dracusfyre Square Filled K5 - Five Things Rating not rated Warnings epistolary format Summary Loki/Tony Stark

Tony writes a letter to Thor and thinks back over the years since he got soul bonded to Loki (AKA Five Things Tony Learned About Loki) For Square K5: Five Things.

Mod Tisfan Commentary I am continuing to enjoy this series.

Name of Piece That’s a Sharp-Ass Knife by @toneestark Square Filled T1 - Fuck or Die Rating explicit Warnings dub-con, whump, non-con Summary Tony Stark/Steve Rogers

When a familiar foe captures Tony Stark and co., he makes sure that Tony is hurt in every way possible. Will be multiple chapters. For T1 fill for Tony Stark Bingo 2018: Fuck or Die.

Mod Tisfan Commentary pretty harsh, watch your own mental state.

Name of Piece: A Year of Gravestones by @mariesbookblog Square Filled: K2 - Graveyard Rating: Teen Warnings: past canon minor character death, minor made-up character death Summary: Graveyards are a good place to think. To find the strength to face the future. Or: After the Civil War, Tony visits the dead.

Mod Tisfan Commentary lovely, and sad

Name of Piece Tony and Jarvis by @toneestark Square Filled S4 - Jarvis Rating gen Warnings none Summary Art of a young Tony Stark looking at JARVIS’s core code. Tony has a screwdriver tucked behind his ear. Caption: Little Tony’s hard work pays off when he finally meets baby JARVIS. Mod Tisfan Commentary this is amazing, I love the colors, both warm and secretive

Title of Piece: One Hand Washes the Other by @tisfan Also on A03 Square filled: A4 - WTF Warning: unrepentant fluff, weird coping mechanisms, first date Pairing: Tony Stark/Bucky Barnes Summary: Bucky doesn’t always eat with the team. It takes Tony a while to figure out why.

Title of Piece: The Weapon-Maker’s Son by @polizwrites Rating: General Audiences Square K5 - Fairy-tale style narration Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Crossover, Gentlemen Bastards Summary: Once upon a time, a man who had everything wanted more. He took a wife, a lovely, talented young woman who he bent to his will. In time, she bore her husband a son and named him Antonio. A brilliant, strong-willed child, Antonio could stand in his father’s shadow only so long.

Mod Tisfan’s Commentary good style, very epic poemish

Title of Piece At Your Own Risk: Chapter 1- Priorities by @dracusfyre On AO3! Square: A1 - Doing Groceries Warning: None (for this chapter) Rating: General (for this chapter) Relationship: Loki/Tony Summary: When Loki and Tony get stranded on an alien planet, Tony at least has his priorities straight. This chapter is for Square A1: Doing Groceries. Part 4 of Loki Radio, aka the Soul Bond verse, in case you’re like uh wtf is happening.

Mod Tisfan Commentary This was hilarious and I loved it

Name of Piece: Drink Me Down by @27dragons Square Filled: S2 - vampire/werewolf Rating: E Warnings: Sex, Blood-drinking (vampire) Summary: Tony Stark/Bucky Barnes

Of course Bucky’s grateful to Tony for showing him that he doesn’t have to be a monster just because he’s a wyr. But that’s not the full extent of his feelings for the vampire.

Mod Tisfan’s Commentary I love it. vampire, werewolf, pining, Steve being a jerk (in a loving way)... what more could you want?

Name of Piece So I Give You My Life to Keep by @ayapandagirl Square: R4 - arranged marriage Rating: Explicit Warnings: dub-con (magic-induced lust) Summary: Ironstrange,

The Ancient One came to Tony Stark seeking a husband for student, Stephen Strange.

Mod Tisfan’s Commentary I really enjoyed this piece. So much sass!

Title of Piece: Finding Balance by @tisfan Square: K5 – Innocent until proven guilty Also on A03 Warning: blow job, Anal Sex, barebacking, breakup and get back together, lying, stealing, jealousy issues, mention of intended rape, gambling, Irish AU, caber tosser Bucky, irish dancer Tony Summary: Tony Stark/Bucky Barnes

Tony’s still trying to get his life back on track when he runs into his ex. Bucky, who gambled away a fortune and then stole money from Tony… and then lied about it. Well, Tony’s still trying to find some balance…

Name of Piece You Broke the Rules by @trammelsb Square A3 - Freespace Rating: Mature Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Bruce Banner/Tony Stark Additional Tags: BDSM, Flogging, Dom Bruce, Sub Tony, Dom Bruce Banner, Sub Tony Stark, Self-Hatred

Summary:

Tony looked over at him, eyes wide. Bruce glared at the bruising down his neck from the fall he took in the fight. Bruce wanted nothing more than to grab Tony and hold him for the next week, keep him safe, but that wasn’t what Tony needed right now. What either of them needed. “But, I - I didn’t-” Tony tried to back away but Bruce held him, tugging at his hair. Tony froze. “Mm. You did. You know you did. You broke the rules. You know what happens when you break the rules.”

Mod Tisfan Commentary delicious

Title of Piece You’re Welcome to Try by @wakandan-wardog Rating: General Audiences Square Filled: K4: Nick Fury Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark Additional Tags: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Voice Acting, Workplace, Fluff, Snark Summary:

Nick finds out that Tony and Steve are dating, and calls Tony into the office to talk about it. Tony takes it about as well as you would expect, but luckily his boyfriend's waiting on a shining motorcycle to speed him away to lunch.

Mod Tisfan Commentary Continuing to enjoy this little bit of fluff series, too

Title of Piece: Negative Space by @duckmoles Square Filled: K3 Character Death Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Major Character Death Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark Additional Tags: Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, Angst, Clothing Summary: If he closes his eyes and breathes, he can still catch the smell of Tony’s aftershave and shampoo.

Mod Tisfan Commentary I almost skipped reading this because I wasn’t in the mood for death fic, but I’m glad I did. it was lovely and beautiful and very, very sad.

Title of Piece Wedding Dress for Sale (worn once) by @voodoofee Rating: Mature Square: A3 - freesquare Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Tony Stark Additional Tags: Wedding Dress, Amputee Bucky Barnes, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Shy Bucky Barnes, Bucky Barnes Feels, Tony is wearing a dress, crossdressing but not really, it was a bet, but a good bet, now with art!, amazing araydre Summary:

Bucky finds a strange note in the elevator reading, Wedding dress for sale, worn once by mistake, with the number of someone named Tony. Bucky only knows one Tony but he doesn't think that's the guy’s name. Why else should the packages he sometimes receives be addressed to one A. Edward Stark? Whoever it is, Rebecca's wedding is coming soon and he wanted to buy her a dress. Maybe this one fits? He's pretty sure she won't mind that it has already been worn once...

Mod Tisfan Commentary continues to be cute. now with art

Name of Piece A Shard of Fear by @rebelmeg Square Filled: S4 - Reunion Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Additional Tags: Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Tony and Nebula: Dark Humor Buddies, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark Friendship, Science Bros, Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Mentions of Major Character Deaths, Blood, Major Character Injury, Thaddeus Ross is a dickwad and Tony shuts him down, Tony Feels, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony is not in a good place, Mentions of Pepperony, Tony willingly going to medical is a bad sign, Tony Stark Bingo 2018, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Mentions of Iron Dad and his Spider Son, Thor is also not in a good place, neither is clint

Summary:

Picking up immediately where "I Told You So" left off, everyone gets caught up with what has been going on. They're all suffering. They don't know what to do. And Tony is bleeding.

Mod Tisfan Commentary tries not to cry... cries a LOT

Name of Piece Language by @hereandnowwearealive Square Filled R1 - May Parker Rating T and up Warnings language Summary Hypocrits, the both of them

Comic: May Parker and Tony Stark discussing every day events with swear words. Peter almost knocks over a glass and says Shit. Both May and Tony fuss at him for language.

Mod Tisfan Commentary hilarious, and cute!

Name of Piece Slack Water, part five: Tsunami by @tisfan Square Filled K4: Mates Also on A03 Rating Mature Warnings: violence, gore, panic attacks, hurt/comfort, mermaid AU Summary: Tony Stark/Bucky Barnes

Bucky and Tony need to get out of the Hydra facility. Too bad the Red Skull and Zola have been notified about their escape attempt…

#tonystarkbingo2018 #tonystarkbingo #week 4 #weekly roundup

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thisisbabalabashamalamadingdong · 7 years

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Get To Know Me Tag

I'm trying to post this for the fifth time I really hate Tumblr

Tagged by the amazing @whenyoujustwannawrite follow her if you like some Fine Writing™

Rules: Answer and tag people you want to get to know better.

Name: Deniz, I also go with Your Local Mermaid

Gender: Tbh cis female but I was prettty sure I was "%80 a boy" between the ages 7-12 so that's a fun(!) story of how I became so obsessed with fucking gender norms over

Star Sign: Cancer. God, if you're out there, thanks for the irony

Height: 165 cm and I'm stuck here

Time: is an illusion you fuck

Birthday: 4th of July

Favorite Bands: Haven't had a list since I stopped being a Full Time Emo lol but I'm into Nouvelle Vague again these days

Favorite Solo Artists: Can anyone actually decide these stuff? Bc congrats eh but MIKA is one of my fave people and singers in the world check him out

Songs Stuck In My Head: shit ok yesterday I was really tired of studying and kinda sad I guess or at least pissed of lol so I opened my musics to shuffle and suddenly I saw All Is Well (Aal Iz Well??) (from 3 Idiots) I downloaded it way long ago when I first watched it and idk I listened to it for the first time in a long while and it felt sO good I stg it was amazing and it's been in my head for two days and it's just sad bc I can't fuckin sing it properly and I need to rewatch it but my computer's crapped its pants again

Last Movie I Watched: Call Me By Your Name. I'm not sure I'll be able to eat a peach again but it is sO worth it

Last TV Show I Watched: Rewatched a few episodes of House MD

What I Post: Literally anything?? Memes, occasional depressive shit, occasional positive shit, deepish stuff and sometimes if my brain is functional (or not) enough, poemish things. I'm your local dashboard blog.

Last Thing I Googled: isopropyl alcohol

Do I Get Asks?: Nopity nope

Why My URL?: When I first signed up I was actually 12 and knew nothing about Tumblr accept the pages on Facebook that post screenshots of funny posts and memes and my URL, at first, was something with my name I guess something shit and I loved how people had very funny (and inappropriate, thanks 12 year old brain) URLs. I have l idea how I thought of this one I really don't remember but I still love it so much I can find out who My People are (it's a quote from Suite Life with Zack&Cody)

Following Blogs: HAHAHAHA I JUST CHECKED AND IT'S 1175 ok I guess I haven't unfollowed literally anyone?? since I signed up I'M TOO LAZY FLR AN UNFOLLOWING SPREE

Followers: 3 Peaches Worth

Favorite Colors: Dark and slightly shiny space purple but also matte and dark purple and nearly every shade of blue and I used to hate pink but I'm into very very soft pink these days

Hours of Sleep: Usually 5 I swear I'm gonna die from sleep deprivation someday

Lucky Number: I could never understand how people chose these and I actually don't have one

But also 7

Instruments: vocals and piano (not very good at singing but that doesn't prevent me from singing everywhere and all the time)

What I’m Wearing: pjs it's 1.30 am ffs

How Many Blankets I Sleep With:1

Dream Job: idk what you humans mean as a proper job but I really want to be a writer

Dream Trip: used to be London now I'm not sure but France probably and London

Favorite Foods: Meat. Just any good recipe that involves well cooked meat and a nice sauce

Or just kebab

Nationality: Turkish

Favorite Song At The Moment: Visions Of Gideon - Sufjan Stevens (from CMBYN)

Languages I Speak: Turkish, English, a few years of German classes in school did no good, and a little bit a little bit of French I taught myself

I'm tagging: @tra-la-laaa @hicmicikiptagelesingelmiyor @dcswoop @thenightwhispers @happymealsandsolangelo @arkakoltuktaunutulankiz

#thisisbabalabashamalamapersonal #tag stuff

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musicalravencreates · 7 years

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1, 10, and 21 for the S.O asks?

THANK YOU VIC ILY1) Describe them in 3 wordsBeautiful, Giggles, Memes10) Sweetest thing they’ve done for you?Okay I'm terrible at remembering specific moments, but there was this one time I was feeling absolutely terrible and they didnt know what to say so they said the cheesiest of things and it made me laugh and it honestly just made me feel so affectionate towards them21) What would an ideal date with them be?We drive to a Denny's. It's late. I've just gotten off the train but we don't care. We pull into the parking lot and get out. We can hear distant laughter and the sound of cars. Things are awkward and we laugh, and there are butterflies in our stomachs. Charlie cracks a stupid joke about fighting me and I kiss them. We have our first kiss in the dim light of a street lamp and can only feel each other. We part, quiet, then laughing. I hug them tight, still laughing. Things feel alright.(Okay I wrote a fucking poemish thing oops. I like it tho)

#Ask games #andy speaks #zoozy the cutie #sorry i'm sappy rn

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ineedahiddencorner · 4 years

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4.1.20

I had a dream last night regarding Taco. I don't remember all of it - we were at my work, but there was also a weird duality because my alarms were starting to go off, so it also became me wanting to show him my code. (Last night I talked about it with Bandana, and never got to hear his response cause he was asleep - I guess my brain was trying to tie off that note. Bandana and I get to chat more anyway, so I don't feel away from her as often.)

In any case, back to the dream - I was sitting criss-cross-applesauce, wrapping something up on the floor at work before I had to go, and I was unnecessarily anxious. Taco was there sitting in a chair above me, so I took a minute to hold his hand that was partly hidden under a table. I felt better.

It's interesting, that's the first dream I've had about either of them, at least that I can remember. And it's funny the positioning - I frequently sit on the floor next to my mom as she's working as she "pets" me. That physical dynamic is very much one of comfort, so it makes sense why it was somewhat adopted in my dream.

I woke up praying. Clearly there's still a feeling there - one related-to-if-not-the-same-as the one mentioned in the poemish post ages ago - that are still to be addressed. I still stand by the conversations I've had with Bandana, that I don't wish to pursue a dating route with either of them. But it reminds me of the arrangement I'd made with Waits - that we agreed we were fundamentally friends, with feelings that were present more strongly at times. When making a similar arrangement with Bandana and Taco, the scale was different, and I didn't fully feel (or let myself feel) anything else. But now things are calmer. I'm more comfortable. So the rest of me is catching up and telling me things to be aware of.

But it's odd, it's really more like the dream about Bridge years ago. To this day if you asked if I had a crush on him, I'd say, "Probably, honestly" to make it easy. But that's not the case. I've had other crushes, and it's a different feeling. The dream I had about Bridge was similar - we were in my church in the choir section, and I laid my head on his shoulder and felt warmth and peace. I woke up and prayed. And told him, and he prayed. But it was never a matter of "I've got butterflies for you." I've had butterflies in other crushes, and embarrassingly so. The getting nervous and all. But this strain is different, and "crush" isn't the right word. "Feelings" comes closer, but that's still not quite it. I was there was a word.

Come to think of it, Taco feels much more in the Bridge vein than the Waits vein.

That doesn't help. I dated Waits. I understood those feelings. To this day I've never figured out what the frick was the deal with Bridge.

Can't we just have Waits feelings and be done with it? Or just deep friendship feelings and nothing else? Although when I think deep friendship, that's the best way to describe the Bridge feeling.. but it's so different from Dean. Though Dean was also just so easily adapted into physics.. that was just a given. Like Bandana. And how Bandana and I just suddenly were friends with no question. Another given.

Maybe I need to investigate this odd Bridge feeling (not that it's still present with Bridge, but for lack of a better term). Deep friendship works, but there's more color to it than that.. Eh. Another day.

I kept telling myself I'd get ready by 8, but wanted to read. I started on virus updates and social media, and then checked if there were any new writings. I didn't think there'd be. There weren't. I read the old ones. Then it was 9. Then I knew I should write these thoughts cause processing is a glorious thing. It's now 9:30.

I've been procrastinating on studying for my midterm tomorrow. That class is like a beast that I will have to face but am trying by all accounts not to. I'm not understanding it, so it scares me. Instead I finished my MechOps code with over a week to complete the rest. I revelled in understanding it so straightforwardly when A. It was hyped up to be the most code-intensive and difficult, and B. (The bad side) while my classmates are still confused. It was like a glowing reminder that I'm smart and can do things, and do them well and with extra flair! (I commented the frick out of my code and added humor to it, as it will have to be shown to the professors.) I held onto that so strongly... Now I have to face the monster my classmates all see as an annoying but manageable beast, but that I just couldn't get myself to face.

All this had a point. That A. There's an issue unrelated to anything else besides my personal path that needs addressing. And B. Even without Bandana and Taco present, I've now lost track of time while focused on them.

The conclusion: I need to gain better self control in the face of monsters. Yes, reflecting on matters and people I care about is important, but self control is something I've had difficulty with in the past and that I need to get a handle on. That's why I make rules, like with alcohol. As for Bandana and Taco, I don't want to make rules with them - this is separate. I just need better self control. Right there with social media/screen time overall, properly delegating work, etc.

My inner critic may be unhealthy at times, but I'm learning how to work alongside it constructively. Two quotes come to mind:

1. "You're not stuck. You're just committed to certain patterns of behavior because they helped you in the past. Now those behaviors have become more harmful than helpful. The reason why you can't move forward is because you keep applying an old formula to a new level in your life. Change the formula to get a different result." (Emily Maroutian)

2. "Get out of your own damn way."

These two quotes are very important to me. I've felt the need for a shift for awhile. I can feel it coming, and I love when they happen. I just need to make it happen.

It's 10 now. Time to put the phone away and get back to my new level of life.

And I must say.

I'm very grateful for the people helping me grow into it. Who deal with my messy processing and in-betweens. And, very much related, their apparent amount of endless patience. (I know it must be frustrating, hurtful, and annoying at times. I'm sorry for those effects. But I will say.. it's nice to just let loose and get to grow. Just again. Keep me updated on any salt.)

#growth needed #the adventures of bandana and taco #processing #procrastination #school #Dean #Bridge #Waits #time to work #Gotta grit through it #express #direct #indirect

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