#the adventures of bandana and taco

[tieflingteatime]

just for fun (part 2)

5.3K

Eddie and F!Reader lose their virginity to each other. But it doesn't mean anything, they're only fuck buddies.... right?

C/W: swearing, P in V sex, semi-public sex. Reader is 18. Very much NSFW. Minors DNI

Part 1 // AO3

You wave over to the rest of them as you make your way to your accustomed seat at Eddie’s side, a tray filled with something that might’ve passed for lunch in a Victorian workhouse. Or that’s what Eddie thinks, at least.

“Dunno how you can eat that muck,” he grumbles as you sit down, shovelling two biscuits in his mouth.

“Hey, it’s not that bad!” you chuckle, looking over to the others for backup. “Right, guys? I can’t be the only one that enjoys it… right?”

“Yeah!” Dustin pipes up as the rest stare on in silence. One of Eddie’s little “sheep,” those younger boys that he recruited into his Dungeons & Dragons club with the promise of adventures, fame and glory — albeit strictly in the tabletop realm. And a necessary fall in social status, of course, but since all of them were more or less outcasts to begin with, not much changed there. “They actually had really nice tacos on Tuesday, and the lunch lady told me next week they’re gonna try doing enchiladas.” His face lights up at the thought.

“Yeah, emphasis on try,” Eddie groans. “Find me one of them that can actually cook and I’ll eat my hat.”

“Eddie, you don’t have a hat.” You can’t help the playful jab at his expense, nor what follows: “Might as well eat your bandana.”

He rolls his eyes but grins at you anyway. “Sure. I’ll eat my fucking bandana, smartass.”

“You love it, really.”

“What? The smartness or the ass?”

“That’s smart ass to you.”

The younger boys follow your little exchange with unrestrained glee, although their expressions turn muted when their Dungeon Master fixes them with a terrifying stare. “And what are you giggling at, huh? Something funny?”

“Nope,” they murmur, eyes downcast. 

“That’s more like it.”

You can’t help but laugh, disguising it as a cough into your sleeve. As fierce as he can be — as mean as he likes to pretend to be — he’s a real softie deep down. It’s in the way he gives, and gives, and gives without expectation of anything in return. It’s in the hugs that burst at the seams with all the warmth he can fit in them. And it’s absolutely in the way that, for a bunch of young nobodies figuring out how to become somebodies in the dog-eat-dog world that is Hawkins High, and even beyond, he has become their shepherd.

You could see him like that, kind of. Lazing on a hill, guitar across his knees, shirt blissfully abandoned, just soaking up the sun as he hums a song for only the wind to know, letting it tousle through his long mane.

“And what are you smiling at, Y/N?” 

Shit. He just had to be born with hawk eyes.

“Nothing,” you squeak out. “Just thinking.”

“Bullshit it’s nothing. You’re an awful liar. Remind me to never play poker with you,” Eddie chuckles. “Too many tells. Way too many tells.”

“Yeah? Well it’s nothing.” You grin at him. “Can’t a lady have some secrets, anyway?” 

“Oh, a lady, are you, Y/N?” He drops into a fake-British accent that narrowly survives his bout of laughter. He reaches longingly for another biscuit before deciding against it; the sugary, crumbling goodness does not, apparently, outweigh the risk of choking to death in a giggling fit. “My sweet — my sweet, fair lady with her hair full of secrets?”

“Fuck off, Munson.”

His chair moves with an audible crrrrurrrk across the floor as he half staggers, half shuffles backwards. “Help!” he yells out, clutching his chest, face drawn in utter agony. “My fair lady is using unladylike language! Her mind has been corrupted into the gutter! She is tainted, forever doomed to spinsterhood with thirty cats! A wicked, wicked mind in a wicked body! Oh, how will I ever recover from the shock?”

His theatrics are always hilarious for you all. There’s just something so endearing about someone so utterly unafraid to make a fool out of themselves just to make their loved ones laugh.

Usually, that is. But today, it hits a little close to home for your liking. It reminds you too much of the afternoon you shared a couple of days ago, and all the thoughts you’ve had since then. 

While the others laugh and Jeff helps push his chair back in position, you remain resolutely silent and stone-faced in the face of Eddie’s clowning, even when he adds a pained, drawn-out, “Tainted” for your benefit.

You pretend to drop something under the table, using it as an excuse to grab the notebook and pen hanging precariously out of your pocket and tear off a scrap, scrawling a note for the shocked shepherd to read at his leisure. 

“Gotta go,” you say quickly in lieu of a goodbye. “Don’t want to be late for class.”

“But you’ve got another ten minutes left, Y/N.” Eddie looks puzzled as you stand up, scooping up your tray. The muck remains half-eaten. “Where are you going? Tired of me already, huh?” He flashes you a winsome grin and a wink to accompany it.

It takes all your willpower to school your face into a neutral expression. You’re not sure if you currently want to fight Eddie, or -

“I need to study. I have a test coming up in the next few days. Really need to be on my A-game.” 

You drop your note into his lap as you walk away from the table, hoping he’ll notice it before he gets up later —  and that the others won’t notice. You had tried to be subtle, but…

“Surely you can afford to live a little, Y/N.” Eddie chuckles, shaking his head. “Fail a test for once. You know you’re only going to get the highest in the class even if you add in a few mistakes. You know — be a wild, crazy teenager.” He punctuates his final words with a finger tapping the table.

You can’t help but smile. In all the years you’ve known each other, Eddie would never be able to even remotely describe you as “wild and crazy”, even if his life depended on it.

“Maybe. Maybe I’ll flub it, just for you.”

“That’s my girl. Now, go on. Shoo. Study! Get the A you deserve!”

You feel a little guilty as you walk away. You’re not going to study, even if you’re currently headed for the study hall with a bag full of notes. 

You’re going to fill your head with all the fantasies this burgeoning situation with Eddie has opened up for you. The taste of something only hinted at while you were together in his bedroom. You’re going to let all the frustration flood through your veins like a drug as you remember the fact that not once since that fateful afternoon has your best friend even hinted at the thought of fucking you.

You don’t just want to laugh at his jokes, not after you know how his mouth tastes. How his tongue has an almost electric intensity to it. How his chest felt under your wandering fingertips and the way he was so wonderfully, achingly hard for you the entire time… and how wet just the thought of it all makes you.

You set out your notes with a sigh, absently rubbing your thighs together as you struggle to focus. Only a few more hours until you were free to meet him at the spot and talk it out. 

Hell, maybe fuck it out. You didn’t think you’d lose your virginity against a tree or slumped over the bench he deals at, the one nobody goes to unless they don’t want to be seen, but it doesn’t hurt, right? Well, it might hurt at the beginning, sort of, but only a little bit, because — 

God damn it.

The words have all blurred together in front of you, meaningless shapes and squiggles. You’re not sure if you want to laugh or cry.

Eddie arrives at the bench, just like you asked… thirty minutes after school finished. What he was taking his sweet time over, you can only guess, but it doesn’t matter. He’s here now, and if he’s here then that means he’s read the note in its entirety.

He knows you want to talk.

“Hey, sweetheart,” he grins, giving you a little wave as he drops his bag and sits on top of the bench. “I know I don’t charge you for this shit, but you’ll be robbing me out of house and home if you want it this soon after the last one.”

It’s an olive branch, you realise belatedly. A way to smooth over the tension you’ve been quietly simmering in all day. 

He always did have hawk eyes. Never missing a beat.

“Yeah,” you say. Even to your ears, that’s something slightly off in your tone. “It helps me relax and stuff. Especially when there’s a bunch of tests this early in the year.”

“They’re just trying to make it clear from the start that the others have nothing on you.” He nudges you, touching your arm briefly. “Valedictorian material. I can see it, even if you can’t.”

You’re not in the mood for his jokes, so you just sigh. And then you regret it, instantly, because his face falls and he’s looking at you like he just kicked a puppy. Your puppy. A mile-long line of your kicked puppies.

“Did I say something wrong? Tell me what’s going on, Y/N, you’ve been down all day.” He clutches at your shoulders, lips opening and closing as he tries to find appropriately beseeching words.

“I just don’t know if this means anything to you, or if it was just a one and done thing,” you blurt out. “I wanna continue but you — you haven’t said anything about it since then.” You look away, unable to face him when you’re on the verge of crying. You don’t even know why you want to cry; you’re friends, you’re best friends, and this is all stupid. Just another teenage girl mood swing, you think bitterly. Stupid, stupid, stupid. “I thought maybe you lost interest in the whole thing.”

“Y/N.” 

“No, Eddie, it’s dumb, I’m sorry, I —” 

“Y/N.” He moves your head gently until you’re forced to meet his eyes.

My God. Those eyes. What Helen accomplished with her face, Eddie could do with his eyes alone.

“I didn’t lose interest. Far from it. It’s been nearly all I’ve thought about.” He scratches the back of his neck, chuckling awkwardly. “I mean, fuck. You were grinding on my cock, touching me all over, and you made the most beautiful sounds I’ve ever heard. I nearly came when you took your fucking shirt off.”

You feel so utterly, relentlessly, stupid. For a different reason, this time. A bonus round of stupidity; a conga line of cognitive impotence. 

“So no, I haven’t lost interest. I kinda thought maybe you had.”

“Me?” Your eyes grow wide. “What gave you that impression?”

“Well…” He fidgets. “You didn’t mention anything either.”

“Only because I was waiting for you to mention it first!”

“And I was waiting for you to say something! I didn’t want to act like a pervert and scare you off. Didn’t want to be a freak.”

Your heart shatters around your ankles, and there’s only one thing you can do.

“Oh, Eddie.” You squeeze him into a tight hug, not caring about whether you might be currently crushing his ribcage. “You are not a freak, and you never could be. I know you better than any of those assholes ever would. Believe me when I say it, but you’re a fucking Care Bear.”

He laughs in a way that sounds suspiciously close to crying. “A fucking Care Bear, huh?”

“Yup,” you say, resolutely. “The grumpy one.”

“And there I thought you were gonna get all mushy on me, Y/N.” His eyes twinkle at you.

“Not in your life, Munson.”

You untangle yourselves as the need to breathe properly becomes evident, but your arms still remain wrapped around each other’s waists.

“You’re… sure you want this?” you ask him, searching his face for any hint of doubt.

“Yes,” Eddie says back, utterly doubtless. “You?”

“Yes.” 

He pauses for a moment. "You know, I didn't think it would be so hot."

"You trying to say I'm not hot, Eds?"

He neither confirms or denies, settling to just grin at you when you sigh at his lack of response. "You're not bad, I guess. 've seen worse."

"Not bad? Seen worse?" You screech, faking offence at his words. "Wait, what do you mean you've seen worse? Like in a magazine or real life or -"

"Real life." He shifts on the bench, hands curling and uncurling around each other. "Sometimes when girls want to buy stuff, they, uhh…" Eddie coughs. "They show me their tits because they want a discount." 

"And does it work?" You suspect it probably does.

"Aww, you can hardly complain, sweetheart," he grins, shaking his head. "You get it for free. They get it for 50% off." 

"What, because they're only half naked?" You quirk an eyebrow at him, struggling not to smile as he blushes. 

"No! Well… maybe? Oh, shut up, you absolute ass," he adds as you can't hold your laughter back any longer. 

"Sorry, Eds, it's just -" You pause, attempting to stop, but the laughter refuses to be held back by human means. "It's just so predictable."

He smirks a little at that before joining you in laughing. "Yeah, well, what can I say? They get the weed they want, I get to stare at their boobs. Everybody wins."

"So you're saying if I had just, I dunno, flashed you a year ago or something, then I'd get the tit discount? The titscount?" 

"Fucking asshole." Eddie's chuckling as he shakes his head at your unflagging mirth. "Okay, you know what? I'm gonna take back the best friend privileges. I'm gonna reverse it, even. Everytime you show me your tits, you pay full price." 

"Now who's the asshole?" 

"Uhh, you? For mooching off my stash?" He gives you a playful nudge. "Only kidding, sweetheart." 

"I woulda just showed them to you even without a discount, anyway."

"Aww, you flatter me, Y/N." 

You both settle into an easy silence for a little while. For all the unsavoury dealings that go on at the bench, it's a really peaceful place. Tucked away from anything and anyone. It would be easy to forget you're still technically on school property.

"What did you mean when you said you didn't think it would be hot, anyway?" You can't help but ask. 

He rolls his eyes at you, as though you're missing something obvious. When you just stare back at him, Eddie sighs. "I mean, don't get me wrong, it was still hot with them, kinda, but it was all, like… a business transaction. "Show me this, I'll give you that" type deal. They never never would've kissed me, for one thing. I never had anyone actually want to do that kind of thing. Not sober, anyway." 

A dim memory flickers in your mind for a moment. There was a college party he'd been invited to, because he tended to get entrance to those fairly frequently. Strictly as a dealer, though; they weren't pretending to be friends with him.

You'd been there as his plus one. Another best friend privilege. You'd been nursing a bottle of something stronger than your usual poison for the whole evening, slightly nervous of passing out in a house full of strangers. Eddie, of course, had been in business mode, not partaking in the various drinks and drugs on offer… but he had found the time to make out with a girl in the stairway while you were searching for the bathroom. 

You didn't begrudge him that; you'd only been slightly annoyed after more fruitless wandering to find out that the door he'd been blocking was the bathroom after all. By the time you'd come back out, the girl had already left and Eddie drove you home not long after, business concluded for the night.

"Well, I'm not like that, Eds. I don't need all that to just be with you. Even with my clothes on." 

"Yeah." His face crinkles into a warm smile. "I know. Plus your parents would kill me if I got you properly drunk." 

"What they don't know can't hurt them." You are a picture of perfect innocence before his eyes, the illusion only slightly ruined by the corners of your mouth twitching.

"Well, ain't that a good life motto." He fiddles with the strap of his bag, humming the opening notes of a song you vaguely recognise. It came out fairly recently, but it’s not something you’ve properly listened to yourself. Knowing Eddie, you’ll probably be given more than a few chances as the week goes on. “Don’t really fancy my odds against your dad and a pitchfork.”

“You mean a flaming pitchfork, right?”

“Well, yeah.”

You shuffle, hands writhing in your lap as you move closer. Your leg bumps against his, bouncing slightly as you try to think of something - anything - other than the unbearable absence of his tongue in your mouth.

“Something on your mind?” Eddie chuckles at you. 

You want to indulge his teasing… but you can’t. You’ve been too wound up, too frustrated over the past few days, and now the proximity of your bodies with nothing else happening is horrific. The worst kind of torture. A crime they only whisper in the Hague.

“Shut up and kiss me, Eds.” 

Not allowing him the chance to quip back, you seize his head in your hands and pull his lips to yours, drinking in his moan as your fingers tangle at the back of his neck. Eddie’s mouth is as soft and warm as you remembered, tasting faintly of nicotine; he must have smoked before coming to you. 

His hands snake over your torso, coming to rest at your hips as he pulls you into his lap. When you start to rock your hips against his growing arousal, he almost howls, nails digging into you so hard you wonder if he’s trying to pierce your skin. 

“Need you,” you chant against his neck, tongue fluttering against his earlobe. “Need you, need you, need you.”

Whatever restraint he might have been aiming for snaps when you run your hands up underneath his shirt, tracing shapes and words around his nipples. “Please.”

His hands are trembling against your thighs now. “Baby…” 

“Tell me,” you coo for him, giving him light little kisses and teasing his lips with the tip of your tongue, pulling away just before he can try to deepen it. “Tell me what you need.”

Eddie’s hardly speaking anymore, his words strung out into one long, breathy groan. “Need to be inside you, baby -”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, p-please.” He sighs, unbuckling his belt and letting it hang loose over his hips, desperately trying to relieve the growing pressure. “‘M not gonna last much longer if you keep - if you -”

“Okay, honey, okay.” You press a gentle kiss to his temple. “I’ve got you, Eds.” 

You get up off his lap briefly, one leg on the top of the table and one knee resting on the seat underneath. Eddie hisses as you unzip his jeans, taking a few seconds to gently stroke the bulge twitching angrily before you. 

“Should we go to your van or… here?” 

“Here,” he says so quickly you almost don’t catch it. The words stumble out of him. “Please, baby, nobody’s here, no one’ll see, need it so badly -”

You almost can’t believe that your little fantasy is coming true, but you don’t care. You need it just as badly as he does, if the growing ache between your thighs is anything to go by. 

He pulls his own jeans down to his ankles as you do the same, taking a moment to rifle through his bag urgently before finding his wallet. Eddie pulls out a condom seconds later, but nearly drops it when he sees your lacy underwear as you stand upright again. 

“God, Y/N,” he whispers. “All that for me? C’mere, baby.”

You straddle his thighs once more as he pulls you in for another kiss. His fingers pull at the hem of your underwear, pulling it to the side, and you both moan as he ghosts over your folds. 

“Fuck, so wet for me already?” 

You can’t speak, only nod, and press your lips to his more urgently. He takes the hint, deepening the kiss as his tongue swipes across yours, hungrily exploring every inch of your mouth as his hand moves lower between your thighs. 

He grazes your entrance with his fingertip, giving you a wary glance before slipping inside, moving slowly and carefully for fear of hurting you. It’s the opposite, actually, because each little inch moving deeper is setting your blood aflame. 

“More,” you whimper into his mouth, and he nods, pulling almost entirely out before sliding back inside again. Eddie adds a second finger as he begins to fuck you in earnest, crowing as your thighs start to tremble. The squelch of his movements echoes around the both of you, almost deafening against the silence among the trees, but you don’t care. You really don’t care, because he’s pushing against something that starts to send a white-hot pressure across your stomach, unfurling through you like a flag in the breeze.

“I’m gonna cum -” You squeeze your eyes tight, arms trying to smother him with a vice-like grip, sharing the intensity with him.

“Fuck. Cum for me, baby.” He pulls back slightly, forehead still pressed against you but wanting to watch as you fall apart. He doesn’t want to forget this moment, not as long as he lives.

Your orgasm hits you like a bullet, ripping through you with such intensity that he has to hold you down to stop you falling off the bench while you writhe on top of him, releasing his name to the heavens. 

Tears fall down your cheeks as you wail, screaming out something incomprehensible as he gently removes his fingers. You’re still clinging onto him for dear life. Eddie sucks the juices from them as you clench down on the emptiness, groaning as he swirls his tongue and licks them clean.

“You taste incredible, Y/N,” he murmurs, looking at you in almost reverence. “Holy fuck. That was… That was hot. Jesus Christ.” 

“Do you want to do it… for real, now?” You gesture to the condom wrapper that he’s been clenching in a tight fist; luckily, it seems to have escaped unscathed, not even slightly torn through his movements.

“Yeah,” he grins. His face is red and glistening with sweat, and you’re probably not looking much better. “Do you?”

“Fucking hell, yes.”

Eddie chuckles a little at that, raising himself briefly as he pulls his boxers down to rest mid-thigh. His erection springs out against his stomach, and you can’t help but stare. It’s… larger than you expected, certainly - but you’re not exactly an expert on penises.

He sees your hesitance and strokes your cheek. “Don’t worry, sweetheart,” he says softly, smiling down at you. “It’ll fit, I promise. And if not, we can always try again another time, yeah?”

You nod. He's being gentle, so sweet you could almost choke on it, and if you weren't feeling so frantically desperate it would probably have moved you to tears. But you're impatient and he damn well knows it, so you just say: “Yeah. Now put it inside me or so help me God.”

"Yes, Y/N," he fake-sighs, as though it's some laborious chore, but his lips twitch upwards all the same.

Eddie pulls the condom out of the wrapper and is about to slide it on when he pauses, looking up at you sheepishly. "Do you want to, or should I…?"

You want to try. Gingerly, you take it from his grasp; it's thin and rubbery, almost like one of those disposable gloves they wear in kitchens, and the absurd feeling makes a bubble of anxious laughter burst out of you. 

"What's up, buttercup?" He quirks a brow at you.

"It just feels weird." You can't help but giggle. "It's like a glove, Eds!" 

"Sure is, sweetheart." He sounds deeply amused now. The whole thing is starting to feel more and more like a farce, and it eases the nerves for both of you.

You check it's the right way up before wrapping your hand around his cock and slowly sliding it on, marvelling at how he throbs under your touch and how warm he feels. Eddie's eyes are rolling into the back of his head as you move lower and lower until your fingers are resting against his abdomen. You give his cock an experimental squeeze, then a rub, and he clings onto you with a vengeance, all but burying his head in the crook of your neck.

“Gotta be quick, sweetheart. Anyone might find us -”

“Oh?” 

It’s unlikely at this point. There’s no clubs tonight, nothing going on, no reason for anyone to still be skulking about the school grounds… but there’s still a slim chance for someone to sneak up on you, and it adds to the delicious urgency flowing through you. 

“Come on, come on, you’ve got to -”

You position him with one hand, holding his waist with the other as you steady yourself. Your legs have started to shake a second time, but now from mounting nerves.

“Hey,” Eddie says quietly, removing your hand from his cock and sliding his fingers between yours. “We don’t have to.”

“I want to.” It comes out more biting than you intend. You exhale slowly. “I do. I’m just…”

“It’s okay, Y/N.” He grins, and you can’t help but smile back. “I mean, I am too. Deathly scared. Lucky I came wearing brown pants today, huh?”

“Shut up.” You giggle, playfully shoving his chest. “Just, uh…. Just let me hold it still, so I can, uh -”

“Yes, ma’am!” He gives you a mock salute, forcing you to drop your gaze to avoid corpsing then and there.

There’s a sharp stab as he slowly pushes into you, making you wince. “I know, baby, I know,” Eddie murmurs softly, peppering your forehead with kisses as you try to ease down over him. “There you go, you’re taking me so well, sweetheart, just a few more inches. There you go… there you go, fuck.”

You take a moment to adjust as he bottoms out in you. It’s still stinging slightly, but each passing second makes the pain ease.

“I’m gonna try moving.” You don’t let go of his hand, squeezing a white-knuckle grasp as you slowly move up an inch, then down again. 

Eddie gasps. “Yes, Y/N, do that again. God.”

Encouraged now, you try a series of quick bounces, still feeling slightly out of your depth but no longer uncomfortable at least. His vocal responses let you know you’re heading in the right direction, so you move your hands behind you to grip the side of the table and switch off the last part of your brain still analysing your movements.

You rock your hips into him with abandon, groaning loudly. He kisses you, drinking your lips like a man starved, hands tangling in your hair. Your legs are clutching him as tightly as you possibly can, chasing the angle that makes a second orgasm creep up on you, willing it to come, any second - 

Eddie lets out a guttural moan as you feel a warm, pulsating sensation deep inside you, murmuring your name as he slumps against you. At first, you don’t realise what’s happened. Then he pulls back from you, rubbing the back of his neck as he avoids eye contact, and you understand immediately.

“Eddie -”

“I’m sorry,” he splutters out. “I - I know it wasn’t very long, it wasn’t good, I -”

“Eddie, it’s fine. Honestly.” You chuckle, trying to ease the awkwardness before it can loom over you both any further. “It was your first time. My - our first time. It’s not supposed to be good.” You gently ease yourself off his thighs and slide your legs over the side, gasping slightly as his cock slides out of you. “That’s why people have a second time. And a third time. And, you know, keep… practising?” You busy yourself with sliding your underwear back in place, then picking up your jeans from where they’ve fallen onto the ground. No mud, luckily.

You’re shimmying them back over your hips as you turn to look at him, and realise he’s been staring at you the whole time. “Was it any good for you?”

“Yes.” Eddie nods his head vigorously, then clears his throat, laughing nervously. “Yes, it was. It really was, Y/N. Felt better than anything I could’ve dreamed up.”

“I liked it too. You made me cum, you know.”

There’s the cocky smile again. He looks naked without it. It’s like his jacket, or his Hellfire t-shirt; it’s practically a part of him. It belongs there. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.” You laugh, shaking your head. He’s like any other man now, revelling in the fact that he gave you the pleasure you’re still slightly reeling from. You wonder how long it will take for him to crow about it, the next time you’re on your own together. “And don’t forget I made you cum, so thanks would be nice.”

He chuckles at that, rolling his eyes as he fights with his own jeans. “Won’t forget in a hurry, sweetheart. You can count on that.”

“Definitely need more practising though. You know, so all the girls at Hawkins have something to actually look forward to.” You stick your tongue out as he staggers back from an imaginary shot.

“Ouch, Y/N! Is this what losing your virginity does, huh? Turns you into a mean vixen?”

“Maybe,” you laugh. “Maybe I was one already.”

“Those boys aren’t gonna know what hit them. You’re gonna break so many hearts with that little hip thing you did.” He thrusts his hips up into the air, mimicking a porn-like expression. 

You snort. “As if.”

“Well, you’re still saddled with me for now.” Eddie waggles his eyebrows at you, slinging a bag strap clumsily over one arm. “We both need to practice if we’re gonna be on our A-game by prom season.”

“You’re not going to prom.” It’s not even a question, it’s a statement. Still, you can’t help raising one eyebrow in disbelief.

“No, I’m not,” Eddie agrees, shivering in mock horror. “Really couldn’t give less of a fuck about that whole charade. Crappy music, no alcohol, a whole gym full of shitheads in dumb suits? And not even one Metallica song?” He shrugs. “Still a prime chance to get laid, though.”

“Yeah, I guess.” You haven’t really thought that far ahead yourself, already resigned to the fact that even if you did turn up, you’d be going without a date. And what kind of loser would do that? “Well, we have a good few months until then. Plenty of time, yeah?”

“Yeah.” He offers his hand to you with a grin. “Fuck buddies?”

You shake it, grinning back. “Fuck buddies. You’re still gonna drive me home, right?”

He rolls his eyes. “Such a harsh taskmaster, Y/N. I pity any guy who tries to date you.” Eddie only laughs loudly when you whack him.

Tags:  @nana90azevedo @cutiecusp (if you want a tag for part 3+, just let me know!)

[ineedahiddencorner]

3.16.20

They get it

They get it

They got it

Tonight was so good. Okay. Let me start from the beginning.

I went over to Bandana and Taco's tonight for a Miss Fisher night. We'd been planning this for awhile and I was looking forward to it, but still felt limited? I didn't realize I did, but more on that later.

Anywho, most of the evening was very nice. I got to wear fluffy slippers, we watched goofy YouTube videos for a bit, then lay for awhile (SUPER comfortable) and then went in to make dinner. I helped a little, but they did the majority.. I let myself hum a little, and Bandana and I sang bits and pieces from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. We talked about the Enneagram, and I looked through some previous writing while they were finishing because I wanted to remember what I'd written in reference to it.. when I did, I could feel some of those limitations again. Like I was sitting behind another explanation waiting to happen. I don't think they noticed. But then we had dinner (pasta primavera and some of the best brussel sprouts you've ever had) over Miss Fisher, and as we watched we got comfortable again. (I felt bad that I had to keep adjusting with Bandana, but was glad she was okay with the adjustments - she's a wonderful snuggler, and when I finally reached a good position it was difficult to leave.) After two episodes was a bathroom and dessert break, and during dessert we got talking.

It's funny, songs would come on and I'd talk about the character and how I enjoyed playing them. Taco and Bandana both (in some variation) asked if dancing was necessary, but I told them it felt too dangerous.

It did.

I also told them I'm only comfortable dancing those characters with one person.

Which is also true, and they seemed to like that response better.

Though the two aren't unrelated. I feel like I can dance with Sandman because we're safe. There aren't feelings involved, and he knows I'm playing a character.

They both wanted that level of trust, but I knew it would be - whether I like it or not - influenced by their feelings for me. And though the songs were FANTASTIC (I was getting very excited, as they could tell), I declined the dance.

It was partially my back, and Bandana soon helped with that. The whole time just felt normal, and nice.

It then turned into a cuddle session, with Bandana behind me and Taco near my head. And it's funny - throughout the night I'd noticed they had really been letting me do my own thing in terms of hugs and cuddles. They hadn't kissed me, but let me snuggle my head into them and give them tighter hugs.

I noticed two more things in that session - one, they only ever kissed my head or back of my neck, but kept those other actions to a minimum, or would kiss each other. (More on that later.)

Second, when we checked the time and saw we had an hour left, Bandana asked if there was anything else I'd like to do. I told them - truthfully - that I was happy. And honestly, I really, really was. I could've fallen asleep multiple times that evening. But as the night continued, no other moves were made. They continued cuddling or kissing each other. I got Bandana cuddles and got Taco's hand.

At the end of the night, Bandana pointed out that every time she wanted to kiss me she kissed him. So I knew it was intentional. And I told her I appreciated it, but it was more than that.

I told Taco after that it didn't feel dangerous anymore. I don't remember my exact phrasing, but I don't think he may have gotten the full weight. I'm not sure I understood the full weight until I left.

But driving back was so wonderful. I was smiling and singing various songs the whole way back. I wanted to put a happy song on their playlists to show how good the night was - though it didn't have all the upbeat joy I was feeling, I went with Beautiful Creatures. (I love that song.)

And as I was driving back, I felt so much lifted. Again, not realizing the limits until they were gone. It's silly, but it dawned on me that I could sing in front of them now. I could be ridiculous and goofy in ways I'd been subconsciously holding back on for awhile. I imagined more hangouts at their place, with laughing and singing and maybe even some character dances - because suddenly the danger felt gone.

I know there are still feelings but something felt different tonight. It sounds silly, but I felt like they heard me. I know they had for awhile, and had been being very understanding and taking it in stride, but it felt like tonight they heard the part of me that had been trying to talk for weeks.

Taco wanted to see some of my writing. What I was scared to show. But what I was most scared to show was the last piece, and that now feels irrelevant. Old. Like he wouldn't even need it anymore.

I feel like I could let go. Like I could just be. Like I didn't have to prep for the internal battles later, and therefore be monitoring everything. It felt like a weight lifted off and I was just so happy.

When I texted that I'd gotten home, it may have been a bit too much. Or at least, that it seemed more enthusiastic than the average "I'm home" text. Part of it was wanting to signal that tonight was really good, and to emphasize that. But I hope they could tell. Even though I didn't even feel how good it all was until the very end.

Maybe it was just tonight. Maybe it was just because of the virus. Maybe they were just testing it out but weren't really happy. There are many options.

But at least for tonight, I'm pretending they heard. I'm pretending this can last and be normal. Because this was wonderful. I feel so much more free. I want this to last.

We'll see. We'll talk about it I'm sure.

But tonight.

Tonight was so good.

Not a single lip kiss and yet I'm the happiest and most free I've felt in awhile.

I hope I get the chance to show them free me before this gets switched again.

Cause that.

That was a fantastic evening.

And I felt no hesitation in saying 'Love you" by the end.

[louisbarx]

Trendy Summer Outfit Ideas for Your Pup

Pups are the real superstars in every dog parent’s life. So it is no surprise that the latter go to great lengths for their fur baby, buying everything that makes them look fabulous and feel amazing. Designer dog clothes are the latest trend in pet fashion right now. So, keep your four-legged companion comfortable and look trendy on Instagram simultaneously. Your dog deserves nothing but the best, so choosing something that stays comfortable all year round is essential. When it comes to dogs, getting messy is no biggie. Splashing in the puddle and rolling in the mud are their favorite activities. The clothes you get for them should also be easily washable and sturdy enough to withstand all this torture: Cotton is usually the best choice. 

Nothing says summer fashion more than colorful graphic t-shirts. Help them stay cool without compromising style as you and your buddy participate in outdoor adventures. Be it a hike, A run in the park, or some good old game of fetch, t-shirts are guaranteed to keep them comfortable while looking absolutely adorable. Why just summers? The graphic t-shirts are vibrant enough to make your fur pal look fantastic during winter. The t-shirts are comfy, breathable, and trendy enough to make your dog look like a rockstar. 

Choosing the right t-shirt may seem overwhelming, with so many options out there. Here is an outfit idea worth picking up. The matchup of a “Tacos & tequila” t-shirt with a colorful bandana. The graphic tee keeps the swagger up while The bandana adds to the class.

1. Tacos & Tequila T-Shirt

Who doesn’t like Tacos & tequila? Exactly, No one! This t-shirt is a must-have style option that makes a statement. Made from 100% cotton, it will keep your dog comfortable throughout the year. The soft-touch fabric is extremely cozy. Being so lightweight also makes it optimal for outdoor activities. The loose fit makes it the ideal choice for summertime comfort. Whether you have something small and feisty like a Chihuahua or something big and graceful like a St. Bernard, this t-shirt is available in all sizes, ranging from small to XXL. Taking care of these t-shirts is very easy; you can simply machine wash them to scrape the dirt build-up or odor.

2. Colorful Plaid Bandana

To go along with a cool and funky t-shirt, you need something classy and elegant. A colorful Plaid bandana does the job. It adds class to the outfit and looks timeless. It is comfortable to wear 7 days a week, year-round. Pair it with a matching collar and leash, which will set new standards in dog fashion. These are made of 100% cotton and are machine washable.

It is time you take your dog’s canine fashion game to the next level. These trendy, high-quality, and stylish apparel will be a great addition to the wardrobe. Are you wondering where you can get these cheeky little outfits? Check out Louis Barx’s amazing collection! This store will leave you spoilt for choice with a range of outfits suitable for all dogs and all seasons. Whether your fur baby is a Dachshund or a Retriever, Barx has it all. Visit their store today and fill up your cart. Let your dog have a wardrobe update!

Blog Source: -  https://www.louisbarx.com/blogs/news/trendy-summer-outfit-ideas-for-your-pup

[weeweefrenchie]

Is that what I think it is🚐?? Can someone get me two beef 🌮 tacos? 😁 And don’t forget to put Phoenix on the order. 👍🏼🤩🌮

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@icecreamtreestudio Bandana (and it glows in the dark) 👍🏼

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#tacotuesday🌮 #tacos🌮 #hungryaf #snacktime😋 #skullandcrossbones #workingdogs #topdogmodel #parkday #weebabyphoenix #weeweefrenchie 🌮

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🎅🏼🎅🏼🎅🏼🎅🏼🎅🏼🎅🏼🎅🏼

Follow our Adventures:

Cooper & Phoenix

🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄

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#readmyblog #visitmywebsite #visitmyblog #blogginglife #seattleblogger #seattledogs #seattlelife #seattlefrenchie #pnwdogs #blueskiesandsunshine #tacosalpastor #foodorder #icecreamtreestudio #seattleparks #posingdog #dogsinclothes #dogsinbandanas

[suckitsurveys]

What is the most you’ve ever eaten in one sitting? Probably 6 whole maki rolls. There’s an all you can eat sushi place by my house I’ve gone a little nuts at a few times. How often do you skip breakfast? I usually have a little something everyday. What’s the longest you’ve gone without leaving the house? Maybe 3 days when I was sick or something? Probably longer as a baby. :P Where are you going the next time you go out? Home from work. Then to the gym.

Did/do you miss a lot of school or do you have a good attendance record? I had perfect attendance in grade school. Then in high school it was pretty good too. In college I like never went oops.

What are some weird habits you have while eating/about food in general? I don’t think I do anything weird. I’m not a picky eater at all. What kinds of things are likely to make you cry? Animals getting hurt. Sappy shit. Being angry. Songs. Movies. TV shows. What are some things that make others cry that don’t make you cry at all? I don’t know. If you drink/smoke, how often do you do these things? I have maybe 1 or 2 drinks a week. Where was the last place you went out to eat and what did you order? Tacos last Thursday from this taco truck outside work. What do you think of fast food? I like it. I don’t eat it too often but I love certain places. Popeyes is probably my favorite. And then Chipotle. What website do you spend the most time on and why? Probably here, because surveys cure boredom. What’s the most amount of time you’ve spent online? Is this usual for you? Im technically always connected to the internet on my phone. What is something you daydream about often? Buying things, haha. What is one belief you used to have, but no longer do? I can’t think of anything aside from believing things as a kid. In what ways are you influenced by the opinions of others, if ever? I can’t think of anything specific. What was the last thing to make you feel good about yourself? Getting my hair done. It’s SO PRETTTTYYY. How would you describe your overall (or preferred) personal aesthetic? Summer attire. Cute tops and shorts. Dyed hair. Messy buns. Bandanas. Long sparkly nails. Cute sandals. Tattoos. Glasses. What kinds of small judgments are you likely to make about others? Sometimes I can tell I won’t like a person by the way they walk. Like cocky swagger or whatever. What was the last thing you did mostly because society expected you to? Got dressed to go to work :P. Do you believe in aliens, spirits, or angels of any sort? Spirits. Mostly that my mom is in the form of them. In what ways are you superstitious? I knock on wood sometimes. I also tend to avoid cracks as a habit even though my mother has passed. What is something you wish for right now? Lose like 50lbs. Where was the last place you went walking and how far? I walked to Starbucks, which is about half a mile from work. Would you rather exercise alone or with other people? Alone. What kinds of nail polish colors do you prefer to wear? How about makeup? Anything glittery. And I don’t wear too much makeup. When I do it’s just a little foundation, mascara, and lipstick. Sometimes I’ll do a cat eye. How would you describe your own relationship with makeup? I wear it every once in a while for special occasions. I don’t think I need it on a daily basis. I’d actually love to do it everyday but I just do not have the patience/time/skills. Who has been in your life the longest amount of time? What about the shortest? Longest: My father, obviously. Shortest: my niece Frances who was born almost 2 months ago. Who was the last person to leave your life? How about return to it? The last person to leave my life was Kayla. Byeeeeeeeeeee. When it comes to travel, what kinds of places intrigue you most? BEACHES. State/national parks. Waterparks. Other cities. Do you think humans colonizing Mars is a good idea? Would you go, if you could? Sure. What is the farthest you’ve walked in one day and what made you do it? I don’t know. Probably around an amusement park or something. Or hiking. Why do or don’t you prefer to make New Year resolutions? If you make them, what kinds are likely to stick? Eh. Do you have a chore/housecleaning routine or anything like that? I usually clean the cat box and put the clothes away after laundry. How organized would you say your living space is? It’s somewhat organized. For us, anyway. What is one thing your ideal living situation would include? A screened in porch. What is something important that’s often on your mind lately? My health. My relationship with my nieces being divided equally. What about something unimportant, but you can’t stop thinking about it? I don’t know. Buying swimsuits I don’t need but desperately want. Do you find it easier to forgive yourself or others? Myself. Have you ever had to call 911? For who/what reason? Yes. Mark’s old neighbors’ kid was out on the porch crying at like midnight and he was very upset so we thought something may have happened to him or his parents. What was the last book you purchased? Have you started reading it yet? Yes Please by Amy Poeher. I never finished it oops. Do you like oatmeal? If so, what kinds of things do you like in it? I do. When I was growing up, my mom would put butter, sugar, and milk in it. I couldn’t eat it like that now. I just put a little milk and honey in it. Sometimes cinnamon. I also like overnight oats, where you put the ingredients together the night before and eat it cold in the morning. It’s the perfect at-work breakfast. What was going on the last time you felt nostalgic? The trailer for Adventures in Babysitting came up on my Facebook the other day. That movie was my SHIT as a kid. How much attention do you pay to the movements of the stars and planets, and do you believe they influence anything? I don’t really pay attention to it, but I do believe they influence stuff. When was the last time you were afraid to tell someone something? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. This shit with my sister and my brother in law is still hanging over my head. It’s gotten better with Frances’ birth but its still there. When was the last time something didn’t go the way you expected it would? Friday night. I babysat both my nieces and my friend Liz helped me but it was so awkward for some reason? Like the two of us barely spoke. I think it’s kind of a power struggle with her. My sister “assigned” us to each of the girls, but really only for bedtime. So I was still paying attention to Thea and reprimand her when needed and Liz would glare at me every time I did. Like. We are both in charge here. And then she took 2 fucking hours to put Thea to bed. So then when she finally came back up we only got like 5 minutes to hang out before my sister and her husband came home. And when I suggested something I do to help put Althea to bed, she just shot me another look. I don’t know. She irks me. I thought it was going to be a chill night where we could talk and hang out. What is the most difficult or involved video game you’ve ever played? I don’t know. What was the last thing you just couldn’t understand? Why my friend likes my brother in law. Other than this survey, what was the last question you were asked that you didn’t want to answer? I hate being asked when Mark and I are going to have kids.

[fairytailsdesign]

@roxy.the.surfing.boston in our Spicy Tacos with Fiesta then Siesta vinyl. A year ago today we set sail in a challenging adventure, we became partners and launched our Disney inspired bandanas. Cinco de Mayo seemed like good day because we were determined to work hard and be successful. A year later we've sold over 500 products, became friends with so many of you, & fallen in love with your pups. We hope to continue to have your support and love as we set on the next adventure, which will be our rebranding. We haven't given up on our Disney inspired danas but we've definitely felt like there's been a change on our fabric preference. Soon you'll see why we want to rebrand to better fit our shop style. #cincodemayo #newbeginnings https://www.instagram.com/p/BxF9lUJJZbn/?igshid=wj2mlkf1ay31

[withlovefromlina-blog]

Budget and Boujee

Unless you’re my mom or dad reading this you’re most likely familiar with the 2016 hit by Migos called Bad and Boujee, and have probably heard the basic definition of the expression Bad and Boujee from Urban Dictionary. If not, take a quick pause, pull up a new browser and get acquainted. 

I started today, February 5th, being back on my own again after having spent a fun filled week in Tulum with two of my Canadian friends. I also started being back on my budget! The joke of the week with my friends was when I shared with them my ambitious goal of a 100 MXN a day budget I had been working towards up until their arrival. We thought we were on the same page over our first lunch when they also said 100, but we quickly burst into laughter when we realized I was talking Mexican pesos and they were talking Canadian dollars!

Rewind to before this last year, I’d been blessed with a career that provided me with a healthy flow of dispensable income, and never really thought twice about the small luxuries I afforded myself. Needless to say my friends and I shared this same blessing/trait/bad habit.

But things have changed, and I’ve been out of the employment world for about one year now, and I’ve had to make adjustments in my lifestyle and habits. People often ask me how I am able to afford to do what I’m doing. Now as much as I didn’t worry about money, I never got myself into debt, and was still able to save along the way. 

In addition I sold a property and many of my belongings, so I have some relative wiggle room while I gallivant the world. But I have become frugal and do my very best to get by with a lot less than I used to. I like a challenge and it’s almost become a bit of a game each day to see how well I can do. Mind you, I tend to be very good at finding great deals and yummy meals so I don’t always feel like I’m missing out!

That is until…..friends who are still in the world of employment pop into town!

Then I have a hard time keeping the boujee side under wraps.

But here’s what I’ve learnt, it’s possible to bad, boujee AND on a budget!

No doubt, money can be spent easily in Tulum. From the hippie chic boutiques, to the beach front hotels, to the endless 5 star restaurants and cocktail hideaways in the jungle, you can eat, drink and shop your way through any budget without even leaving the beach strip. We definitely tried to have a balance, and stay within our pre-determined budgets, but…you can’t win ‘em all, can ya!

That being said, I found that if I kept my fridge stocked with a few basics, and didn’t over-eat the way I so frequently did back in North Amercia..budget Mexico Lina is very achievable. My Air Bnb’s come with filtered water and coffee which get me through the morning. A salad made at home for either lunch or dinner makes sure I have a good 100 MXN a day for a meal out! 

And so far in downtown Tulum these are my fav spots that are in line with the “budget” give or take a peso or two.

Burritos from the street corner down the block from the main park..yup that’s all I got for you direction wise. He’s the only one who advertises Vegan and Vegetarian! 75 MXN

Gluten free Vegan option from Burrito Amore - 120 MXN

Pizza from Il Bacaro - 200 MXN

Thai food from Thai Tulum - great pad thai - 90 MXN, Massive veggie filled spring rolls - 80 MXN

Vegan Tacos from La Hoja Verde, huge potion with a very very generous topping of guacamole - 90 MXN

Stir Fry Veggies, Tofu and Rice Noodles from Uno Japanese Noodle - 100 MXN

From the local street vendors I got mango, avocado, cucumber, lettuce, onion, zucchini, bananas, carrots, apples, limes and hibiscus flowers for about 250 MXN and this lasted me all week!

Because I did tacos so much within the first few weeks, I actually seemed to avoid most tacos here in Tulum, but there are plenty of options near the main park on Tulum Avenida and down most side streets if you are adventurous to wander a bit.

Splurgy Eats on the beach - A bit more Boujee

Rosanegra, this place was amazing from the moment we walked in. The detail in the decor, the lighting, the artwork, the bathroom experience which ended in free champagne! And the music all created a very cool vibe. We shared appy’s of salmon coconut ceviche, spicy street corn, chargrilled calamari and burrata plate with arugula, but anything here looks amazing!

Mezzanine for Thai food, only for the money bags! Pun intended, it’s the name of an appetizer. We also shared pad thai which was delicious and served in a beautiful banana leaf.

ARCA and Hartwood are other must try’s for which we had many recommendations for but unfortunately missed out on these.

We didn’t drink much alcohol in Tulum, but there are a number of places that do happy hour and two for ones so you can try and find those if you’re feeling like having a drink!

A few of my other practices when I’m on my own that tend to keep expenses down are:

Filtered water versus still or sparkling bottled

Shared colectivo, bike or walk versus taxi

Sand versus beach chair

Re-usable water bottle

Staying away from the shops! (I have zero space for anything extra so this one hasn’t proven to be too difficult yet)

Getting out and in with the sun, for safety reasons but also I find this regulates my eating habits

Making something with the local produce that feels like a treat so you’re not tempted to grab a cold beer, I am working with hibiscus flower fresh brew tea these days!

Sticking to local shops and street food (I must admit I seem to be able to stomach almost anything on my travels and some aren’t so lucky, so be easy on this one and feel it out for you!) versus restaurants. That is until I found the pizza that dreams are made of….so I had it one last time today before I move on from Tulum tomorrow!

Doing my own laundry, as long as the weather cooperates for drying!

Self taught yoga and workouts

Food and budgets aside, we rocked our colourful beach wear, bandanas, braids and bold lips! We adventured, we biked, we swam with the fish in the cenote (after a long mental battle on the part of some as the steps into the water were swarming with the fish, and these fish were the nibble your feet and body kind of fish!), and we ate fish (not the same fish although that would have made the fear factor very ironic!). 

We called the Cenote “chay-notay” because it so easily slipped off the tongue as we longed for cold Italian sodas. We got pooped on by pigeons as the crowds around us yelled reassuringly that it was good luck! We spoiled ourselves yet kept finances top of mind, and boy oh boy did we laugh. We took turns at being the voice of sanity, reason, adventure and motivation.

What I love so much about the dynamic the three of us have together is that it’s 100% real. Wacky and fun and real. We say how we feel and what we think, even if it’s not pretty, politically correct or what the other might want to hear. It’s real and it comes from a place of love. You always know where you stand, and this creates trust. We talked business ideas, furthering education and general future plans. It made me think of how lucky we are to have the space and freedom to draft the blueprints of our futures.

We nursed sun burns and all too anxious minds. We took time out’s as needed: walks on the beach, Oprah/Eckhart Tolle podcasts, and some good old Tibetan singing bowl meditation music. Of course we took selfies, and took turns getting just the right portrait shot. Which I must admit I am grateful for as I mostly have scenery shots when I travel alone! I will miss their company to say the least. But, as the sign in the magical jungle read, KEEP GOING, and this is what I’ll do. Feeling grateful and feeling the love for my Canadian friends.

For me right now financially, it’s really a mind set. As much as I want to keep a safety net ready and waiting for the next downpayment on a home, or for whatever else might lay ahead, I know money comes and money goes but time cannot be recovered. I also know (and am kindly reminded by the cheerleaders around me), I worked very hard for the past decade, and I now have the means and time to live out a dream and to truly be alive in such beautiful places. Work, and therefore more money, is definitely in the near future but for now I know I can balance between budget and and a little boujee just fine.

So if you’re looking to do Tulum on a budget, splurge a little, or do a combination of the two, just give me a holler, I’ll give you the scoop.

Just for giggles:

Rain drop,  Drop top

We did Tulum in flip flops

Rain drop, Drop top

You aint nothin without your crop top

With All the Love From Lina #badandboujee

[concertmemory]

Tips + Tricks for Next Year’s Euphoria Festival

Early this month, I had the pleasure of attending Austin’s greatest EDM festival better known as Euphoria Fest. Special thanks to Euphoria for the FREE 3-Day GA Pass that I received via Twitter! Since last semester, I became a Euphoria College Ambassador for my university as well as the city of Austin. I promoted the festival online throughout my personal social media accounts and distributed promotional products around the my area. It was a great experience to be part of a street team!

I decided that it would be an awesome idea to give YOU  5 tips and tricks for next year’s Euphoria Festival.

1. Best Clothing

Like every other EDM festival, attendees usually wear flashy and fury rave wear. However I am not a hardcore raver, so I believe wearing something cute and comfortable for an outfit is the way to go. The outfit I put together consisted of a cute mesh black shirt with a pair of mom shorts and my go-to platform black tennis shoes. Since I didn’t want to carry a nice purse or a backpack, I brought with me a good-old fanny pack for this occasion. I learned the hard way that it gets a bit chilly at night, therefore don’t forget to carry a light jacket or sweater. You can even incorporate a flannel in your outfit and just wear it around your waist till it gets cold. I had been told by my friends to bring a bandana for trendy purposes, yet it came in handy to cover my nose and mouth from all the dirt around Carson Creek Ranch.

2. Rides & Parking

There are 3 different ways you can get to the festival:

- Personal Car ($20 for parking)

- Ride Sharing

- Complementary Euphoria Bus

I thought that the most convenient way would be the Euphoria Bus since it is FREE for attendees. Nevertheless, I experienced for myself and the Euphoria Bus was the most unorganized thing ever. It look my friends and I FOREVER to get out of the festival grounds. Ride sharing is crazy expensive it should be your last resort ever. With all of this being said, the best bet will be to carpool with the group of friends you are going with and split the parking costs. If you have a friend that has a media pass, be aware that they all get a free parking spot and you should try to ride with them first. Always make sure you have a designated driver that will not drink alcoholic beverages at all during the festival.

3. Camping

For this specific festival, there is a camping portion where you can camp during the 3 days of Euphoria. I heard that it is a unique experience since you basically sleep, eat, rave, and repeat for a whole weekend. It is a fantastic way to meet other people who enjoy the same music as you do! One problem that my friends and I noticed when attendees tried to unload their camping essentials was that they couldn’t get near the camping site at all. Campers had to carry their stuff and walk a long path to get to the site. I saw that Euphoria camping experts had carts or dollies that they used to transport their camping supplies to their camp site.

4. Better View

Ever since I have been attending concerts and festivals, I have to deal with finding ways to actually see the performers because I am so short compared to everyone else. I realized that if I wasn’t able to get front row, I could make my way to the stage from the sides. Euphoria offers a VIP section on the right side of the stage, so I decided to stay on the VIP barricade and that is how I was able to see! Also, one of the artists was kind enough to let me stand with her on the VIP section for a while. She had saw me struggling when I was trying to find a spot for myself to see one of the acts.

5. Food & Drinks

From tacos to pizza, there are tons and tons of food trucks to choose from during the festival! If you decide to join the college ambassador program, you are able to get vouchers for free meals. That is how I ate when I was there! The festival offers beer and wine if you want alcoholic beverages. One great tip is that security guards always have water in hand, so if you don’t want to leave your spot for water you can always kindly ask for a water. I have learned that part of the security guards’ job is to keep you hydrated and don't want you to pass out before you see your favorite act on stage.

Overall, Euphoria Festival was a mystical experience for sure! I discovered plenty of upcoming DJs and I can’t wait to see their career grow in the next few years! I hope my tips and tricks are useful if it’s your first Euphoria adventure or if you are a rave expert!

[angelia-dark]

For the prompt requests, maybe Papayaberry (UT!Pap x US!Sans) and maybe the word "crochet"? Haha

Having a friend like Papaya was wonderful.

Oh, it was great having someone as cool as Undyne be his friend, but Papaya was something special.  Having visitors from another universe was pretty exciting, and finding those visitors were another version of himself and his brother was just AMAZING.

After the initial wow factor settled, he and his brother got to know their other selves.  While the other universe’s him bonded pretty quickly with his brother, THAT universe’s Papyrus was like looking into a tall stretch mirror of friendship.

It got pretty awkward, sharing the same name, so to save confusion, Sans began calling that other universe’s Papyrus as ‘Papaya’, much like how he was referred to as ‘Blueberry’, or ‘Blue’ for short.

He supposed it fit, although the other Sans’s jacket made HIM look more like a blueberry, but he didn’t want to split hairs. 

In any case, he got to like being called ‘Blue’, especially by Papaya.  He got to like quite a few things being with the taller Skeleton.  The camaraderie was one, having someone to shoot ideas and thoughts back and forth with, but the best part was someone to DO things with. 

He and Papaya loved figuring out new things to do, delving into anything and everything that caught their (often shared) interests.  While in their own universes, they would create and send over gifts to each other to enjoy.  So far, they had swapped recipes (turns out ‘spaghetti tacos’ were an actual popular thing), books (Papaya sent a crate of ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ and Blue traded back his Big Hero 6 collection), and crafts.

Crafting was an especially fond hobby for both, since they loved creating something practical to use.  Crafting was a process, though, so those particular things took time to create and send over.  Figuring out how to do it was half the fun, though!

Blue liked having this little arrangement with Papaya.  He started picking stuff up he never thought of before, and when he was in visiting Asgore with Paps for tea, he spotted his new crafting interest immediately.

Asgore was patient in teaching him the finer points of crochet, even jovially remarking that Blue would be better suited for it, the small hands considered.  It was a test in patience and attention, something Blue was eager to master (since his patience wasn’t all that good to begin with anyway).  Asgore unloaded several hooks and balls of yarn to him for practice, and Blue scurried home to learn as much as he could.

It took a few trials and errors, but finally Blue was able to make something decent, and he began thinking of what he could make for Papaya.  Perhaps a new scarf!  It would definitely be practical, and give Papaya’s older one a rest from time to time, as worn as it was.

Blue looked over patterns for one that was warm but aesthetically-pleasing at the same time, and just knew that the skull pattern he found online would be perfect!  It took more than a few attempts to make it right, but he work tirelessly, hooking the scarf through, unraveling when he found error, and doing it again, over and over, until it was done.

It wasn’t perfect; some of the skulls were off-kilter and the tension was skewed here and there, but it was great, in Blue’s opinion.  Nice and warm, very fashionable, and just simply Papaya in form. 

He beamed day in and out as he anticipated his next visit with the Tales, hardly able to contain himself when he and his brother met up with them.  While the other two sat aside for ketchup and honey, Blue and Papaya took to a corner, where Blue suddenly felt a rush of bashful anxiety.  Would his gift be up to Papaya’s ultra-high standards?  Would Papaya even LIKE it?  What if–?

A parcel pushed in his line of sight cut hi out of his thoughts, making him look up and see Papaya holding it out with an orange flush dusting his cheekbones.  It was so endearing, and almost out of one of Undyne’s flowery shoujo animes, and Blue almost squeaked with how cute it was.

“I…made this for you,” Papaya said, an uncharacteristic bashfulness in his voice.  “I hope you like it.”  Blue smiled, taking it from him and held out his own gift.

“…I hope you like this too,” he replied, looking over his own wrapped-up parcel as Papaya took his, quietly unwrapping it and feeling his soul flutter when he saw a bright blue crocheted bandana neatly folded in the wrapping.  “Oh wowzers…!”

“Wowie!” Papaya  exclaimed, taking his own out and looking it over with shining eyelights.  “It’s beautiful, Blue!  And so fashionable with the skulls!”  He looped it around his neck bones, nuzzling into it happily.  “I love it!”

Blue beamed, taking the new bandana out and tying it around his own neck bones, liking the bone pattern that Papaya had chosen for it, feeling love in every stitch.  “And I love mine,” he replied.  “It’s wonderful.”

Papaya blushed harder, rubbing the end of his new scarf between his fingers for a moment before leaning down and kissing the top of Blue’s skull. 

“Only the best for you, Blue.”

[twilight-resonance]

Cooking Adventures

It occurred to me earlier while I was writing the other post that this is one I could write, too, and might be fun. It’s a list of all the new recipes that I’ve tried since the beginning of COVID shelter-in-place, and how they turned out. Because I can. And because I want to. End results rated out of 10.

-----------------------------------------------

Daal -- ?/10 I’m going to be honest, this one we made way back in March and never made again, and I don’t remember how it turned out. Relatively unnotable would be my guess, given I don’t remember it and we never made it again.

Shakshuka -- 7/10 This one turned out pretty decent. I don’t know that it was really shakshuka proper - I only skimmed a few recipes but mostly made it up on my own. I also added chickpeas for extra substance. I’d say it turned out good overall, I’m just not a huge fan of eggs most of the time and cleaning the cast iron afterwards is a pain. 

Paneer -- 7/10 Had been curious to try this for a while because it turns out that paneer is very easy to make. The most difficult part was not having cheesecloth to squeeze and drain it - we had to use a bandana instead, and it still smells like funky milk even after a couple washes. The paneer itself was pretty decent, though, and again pretty easy.

Mattar Paneer -- 6/10 The mattar paneer, on the other hand, was not. It was easy enough to make, but the gravy came out tasting wrong. I wish I had some idea of what spices needed adjusting, but I had no idea. It’s this and aloo gobi that I would love to find better recipes for - I haven’t liked any of the homemade ones I’ve tried yet.

Hash Browns -- 10/10 Not a big deal, I just hadn’t made ‘em from scratch before. It turns out it’s pretty easy. Later on we ended up taking some potatoes that were about to go bad and grating/rinsing them all into hash browns, then freezing them for later use. It worked pretty well, and the birds got to pick at the potato scraps left over when we brushed the drying towel off on the pack porch.

Pierogis -- 1/10 Terrible. I love pierogis, but I may never attempt to make them again. One part our kitchen is small and doesn't have enough room to roll out the dough properly; one part, the flavors for the shell and the filling both turned out wrong somehow (how do you fuck that up???); one part, it was a whole lot of work and a terrible mess for something that ultimately wasn’t that good. It’s store-bought from now on.

Tikka Masala -- 10/10 Turned out great. We had a bunch of spare veggies and some extra cream around, and the end product was delicious. Especially over some saffron rice. We have definitely made this one a couple times since. It uses almost a cup of spices though, so good gods. Oh - I suppose I ought to mention for context that Hearthsnail and I are both vegetarian, so this would have been vegetable rather than chicken.

Banana Bread - 10/10 I’d made banana bread before but didn’t like the way it came out, so I tried another recipe this time. A bit of an odd one, but the banana bread turned out really well - moist but not too moist, and not too sweet. This is another one we’ve made several times at this point, although it’s hard to catch the bananas in the right stage of ripeness (again, odd recipe)- you have a window of about a day, maybe two.

Broccoli-Potato Fritters -- 8/10 This was one recommended to me by the pen pal who didn’t work out. We had a bunch of broccoli that was going to go bad, and so decided to try it out. It was good! First time cooking it the cheese browned too much to the point where it got a bit acrid, second time cooking was better. It’s basically broccoli, egg, pre-hashbrown, onion, and some spices fried up like latkes. Goes well with sour cream.

Churros -- 10/10 Between this, the fritters, and some third thing I can’t remember, we’ve been experimenting with frying food more than we might have otherwise. Churros are... dangerously easy and fairly easy to clean up after too. We used the Disney recipe, and oh man, are these ever delicious. We typically have enough left to eat for breakfast the following day, too. Good gods.

Breakfast Hash - 11/10 Remember above when I said we had a bunch of frozen pre-hashbrown lying around? Some morning I had a craving for something specific that I didn’t know what was and ended up throwing the hashed potato along with a bunch of veggies (bell pepper, green onion, tomato) and cheese and an egg in a pan with some spices, and It. Was. Amazing. It also tasted like vegetarian sausage, somehow, and had the filling quality of such as well. Really easy to do with leftover bits and pieces, and very tasty.

Baked Ziti -- 7/10 There’s a place we used to go out to occasionally for date nights where we’d normally get baked ziti, and it seemed easy enough so I figured I’d try it. It was decent, all in all - not hard to make, and tasty enough. I think I would have wanted a way to fill the insides of the pasta with a bit more cheese, though, so that it baked on and was a bit more browned. 

Lemonade -- 9/10 Fruit’s been hard to come by for various reasons, so we ended up doing lemonade to try to at least get something fruity. It was a bit of a process, and my hands stung from all the lemon juice afterwards and felt like I’d accidentally bleached them, but the lemonade was good. If not quite as lemony as I’d’ve liked - we ended up having to toss a couple of the lemons and thus the proportions were unbalanced - but it was very tasty, and the cold juice was yummy.

Baked Potato Soup -- 9/10 Have done potato leek soup before and loved it, but leeks are somewhat large and take up precious car space during the big grocery trips. So I tried baked potato soup instead, and it was pretty good. Not quite the same, and some of it accidentally burned to the bottom of the pot and that wasn’t good, but otherwise not bad.

Potato Tacos -- 10/10 So good. Hearthsnail had a night where he wanted more traditional tacos - just meat and cilantro and onion, except we don’t eat meat, so potatoes are the stand in because potatoes are great. And these were great. I’ll confess to using tater tots because there’s a kind we get with some spices already added and they make a good base for breakfast burritos, but I added more spices with the rest of the ingredients and it was so fucking good. Especially with sour cream and a bit of avocado, and chili pepper tortillas. Perfect.

Cupcakes -- 6/10 My birthday was towards the beginning of shelter in place back when the grocery supply chain was more fucked, so I never got to do a birthday cake. We finally found cake flour, so I tried doing a white cake recipe and making a confetti cake (but cupcake-sized). The recipe was out of the Cake Bible so it should have been good, but it ended up like the last time I tried making white cake - dense, dry, and a bit too much like cornbread. So that was disappointing. I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong but it seems to be consistent, whatever it is. 

Buttercream -- 6/10 I’m also not sure what I did wrong here, because I’ve even made this buttercream recipe before and it turned out fine. This time, not so much. Best guess is the butter hadn’t thawed/softened all the way, but that only explains part of the problem. Probably it needed to be whipped more, but I tried for like 20 min and couldn’t get any more air in it. So not so great. I’ll have to try another recipe next time.

------------------------------

So that’s the roster so far. I have ingredients to try making cinnamon buns from scratch next; I also wanted to do bananas foster, but all of the bananas were very green when we last went to the store so nothing doing there. My fiance’s also tried a few new things - fried rice and egg drop soup come to mind - but they’re his, not mine, so I didn’t write ‘em up here. :) 

[ineedahiddencorner]

4.1.20

I had a dream last night regarding Taco. I don't remember all of it - we were at my work, but there was also a weird duality because my alarms were starting to go off, so it also became me wanting to show him my code. (Last night I talked about it with Bandana, and never got to hear his response cause he was asleep - I guess my brain was trying to tie off that note. Bandana and I get to chat more anyway, so I don't feel away from her as often.)

In any case, back to the dream - I was sitting criss-cross-applesauce, wrapping something up on the floor at work before I had to go, and I was unnecessarily anxious. Taco was there sitting in a chair above me, so I took a minute to hold his hand that was partly hidden under a table. I felt better.

It's interesting, that's the first dream I've had about either of them, at least that I can remember. And it's funny the positioning - I frequently sit on the floor next to my mom as she's working as she "pets" me. That physical dynamic is very much one of comfort, so it makes sense why it was somewhat adopted in my dream.

I woke up praying. Clearly there's still a feeling there - one related-to-if-not-the-same-as the one mentioned in the poemish post ages ago - that are still to be addressed. I still stand by the conversations I've had with Bandana, that I don't wish to pursue a dating route with either of them. But it reminds me of the arrangement I'd made with Waits - that we agreed we were fundamentally friends, with feelings that were present more strongly at times. When making a similar arrangement with Bandana and Taco, the scale was different, and I didn't fully feel (or let myself feel) anything else. But now things are calmer. I'm more comfortable. So the rest of me is catching up and telling me things to be aware of.

But it's odd, it's really more like the dream about Bridge years ago. To this day if you asked if I had a crush on him, I'd say, "Probably, honestly" to make it easy. But that's not the case. I've had other crushes, and it's a different feeling. The dream I had about Bridge was similar - we were in my church in the choir section, and I laid my head on his shoulder and felt warmth and peace. I woke up and prayed. And told him, and he prayed. But it was never a matter of "I've got butterflies for you." I've had butterflies in other crushes, and embarrassingly so. The getting nervous and all. But this strain is different, and "crush" isn't the right word. "Feelings" comes closer, but that's still not quite it. I was there was a word.

Come to think of it, Taco feels much more in the Bridge vein than the Waits vein.

That doesn't help. I dated Waits. I understood those feelings. To this day I've never figured out what the frick was the deal with Bridge.

Can't we just have Waits feelings and be done with it? Or just deep friendship feelings and nothing else? Although when I think deep friendship, that's the best way to describe the Bridge feeling.. but it's so different from Dean. Though Dean was also just so easily adapted into physics.. that was just a given. Like Bandana. And how Bandana and I just suddenly were friends with no question. Another given.

Maybe I need to investigate this odd Bridge feeling (not that it's still present with Bridge, but for lack of a better term). Deep friendship works, but there's more color to it than that.. Eh. Another day.

I kept telling myself I'd get ready by 8, but wanted to read. I started on virus updates and social media, and then checked if there were any new writings. I didn't think there'd be. There weren't. I read the old ones. Then it was 9. Then I knew I should write these thoughts cause processing is a glorious thing. It's now 9:30.

I've been procrastinating on studying for my midterm tomorrow. That class is like a beast that I will have to face but am trying by all accounts not to. I'm not understanding it, so it scares me. Instead I finished my MechOps code with over a week to complete the rest. I revelled in understanding it so straightforwardly when A. It was hyped up to be the most code-intensive and difficult, and B. (The bad side) while my classmates are still confused. It was like a glowing reminder that I'm smart and can do things, and do them well and with extra flair! (I commented the frick out of my code and added humor to it, as it will have to be shown to the professors.) I held onto that so strongly... Now I have to face the monster my classmates all see as an annoying but manageable beast, but that I just couldn't get myself to face.

All this had a point. That A. There's an issue unrelated to anything else besides my personal path that needs addressing. And B. Even without Bandana and Taco present, I've now lost track of time while focused on them.

The conclusion: I need to gain better self control in the face of monsters. Yes, reflecting on matters and people I care about is important, but self control is something I've had difficulty with in the past and that I need to get a handle on. That's why I make rules, like with alcohol. As for Bandana and Taco, I don't want to make rules with them - this is separate. I just need better self control. Right there with social media/screen time overall, properly delegating work, etc.

My inner critic may be unhealthy at times, but I'm learning how to work alongside it constructively. Two quotes come to mind:

1. "You're not stuck. You're just committed to certain patterns of behavior because they helped you in the past. Now those behaviors have become more harmful than helpful. The reason why you can't move forward is because you keep applying an old formula to a new level in your life. Change the formula to get a different result." (Emily Maroutian)

2. "Get out of your own damn way."

These two quotes are very important to me. I've felt the need for a shift for awhile. I can feel it coming, and I love when they happen. I just need to make it happen.

It's 10 now. Time to put the phone away and get back to my new level of life.

And I must say.

I'm very grateful for the people helping me grow into it. Who deal with my messy processing and in-betweens. And, very much related, their apparent amount of endless patience. (I know it must be frustrating, hurtful, and annoying at times. I'm sorry for those effects. But I will say.. it's nice to just let loose and get to grow. Just again. Keep me updated on any salt.)

[ineedahiddencorner]

3.11.20

If you could tell them anything, with no filter or worry that they would be hurt in any way, what would you say?

I don't want to keep kissing and going against walls. That's an area I'm unfamiliar with and that I'd rather keep for someone I'm actually dating. To me, those actions and "friends" don't overlap. I'd still be comfortable cuddling, but the rest I don't want to do.

It's not that I don't enjoy it. As mentioned, I definitely do. But just because I enjoy it doesn't mean I want to indulge in it so frequently. That's an area I'd rather leave reserved. Something I'd rather be off the table except for the person I'm dating.

I like the emotional closeness. But the physical closeness means something different. I don't think I'd like that as a friend.

To me, just because I find something enjoyable doesn't mean it's okay to pursue. It ties into the idea of temptation - temptation is there because it's appealing. That's the point. That's why resisting it is a hurdle.

I want to keep you around, but I feel like this odd limbo between friends and physical is not a model that can last. It feels temporary. There are too many feelings involved, and we know it's going to end someday anyway. Although I understand the desire, I don't see how continuing when there's a known end is at all helpful, logical, or wise.

I enjoy having this safe space with you guys. I genuinely do. It's been fun to figure out some of these things. But the friendship runs separate from the physical, and I want to focus on the friendship and not the physical.

I recognize this makes me seem very two-faced, as I'm the one who doesn't leave. There have been times when I actively led into/during certain activities. And although that's evidently, yes, a side of myself, it's not a side of myself I'm particularly comfortable with. At least not with people who I know I'm not dating, and do not intend to date.

To follow through on my decision means I can't stay in this limbo. It's unfair to my call and it's unfair to you. I need to be clear and follow through on my decision.

There's a difference between who I am - someone who enjoys trying out those activities and learning a new dance - and the person I wish to grow to be. I don't want to be someone who is regularly physically affectionate with someone I'm not in a relationship with. Cuddling is fine - cuddling is comfortable and close and can still be platonic. But platonic making out, for me, is an oxymoron. And what makes it harder is I know you both love me very much, so you have no problem with it. The feeling I get - and I very much know I can be wrong - is "taking what you can get." Not in an objectifying way, but in a "I love this girl very much and want to be as close to her as she'll allow."

You both have been very understanding through my handling this. I'm definitely still learning and have certainly handled things poorly. For that I'm sincerely sorry, as I would hope you guys know by now. I don't want to be another terrible breakup. I still want you guys in my life. I still love you guys very much. I just want to adjust my cuddle position, and need to be strong enough to actually follow through on that instead of sending mixed signals and going back and forth.

Taco, you said that if you separate yourself from ownership of your own actions, you can get out of anything. You're right. So this is my stepping up to the plate, and admitting poorly handled, contradictory behavior. Just because I was handling everything as best I thought I could at the time does not mean it was handled well. I don't regret our sessions, but... Now here's a thought.. though I'm comfortable with you within them, I'm not comfortable with myself continuing them. (EDIT: From "I don't regret.." to "... continuing them" is applicable to both Taco and Bandana.)

You're right. It is more than the ace thing. It's a spiritual choice and a core motivation thing. Starting with the spiritual choice: It's not me trying to be self-righteous, and although there is influence from years of being surrounded by more conservative folk, this is legitimately independent of that. This is the part of me that chose to be confirmed at age 18. This is the part of me that questioned my conservative teachings to find and pursue my own faith and my own relationship with God. This is the part of me that actively chooses to be Christian.

It's funny on that note: I don't normally share that side of me. I try to live by "preach the Lord at all times, and only use words if necessary." I've grown up with so many people to whom proclaiming their faith is important to them, and I never aspired to be that. To me, faith is personal - it guides you, but isn't something that I want to shout on the streets. I've even been self-conscious about wearing my cross necklace. (Part of it being concerned with getting grouped in with "*that* kind of Christian", which is not something I'm proud of. But when Christians are known in society more for their exclusion, rules, and self-righteousness, that's a worldview I don't want associated with me. I may have personal rules but my goal is to love purely, not to exclude others or put myself higher than another. My personal rules are to help me serve better, not to raise myself above others.) But I think that's something I need to get stronger in - I've hidden my Christian self so much that I don't let myself identify with it, because of said views and because I also am a part of a community that's been greatly hurt by the Christian community. (Hello queer Christian.) But the two communities are not contradictory, and I need to identify more with my being Christian - not the label, but the purpose, and the reason I confirmed in the first place.

The second bit, core motivation, is an internal, independent, rooted part of who I am. The best way I've been able to describe it is with a tool called the Enneagram. (Again, not to use more labels but as a means of communication.)

The Enneagram is a human psyche model that focuses on particular "types" - of course no one falls perfectly into any category, but I've found it very handy for understanding myself and other people around me.

Oddly enough when I first took the test I didn't like it much. The type it gave me kinda fit but not really. It wasn't until I was looking through other types that I read the top portion and felt their descriptions resonate.

Each type has a core fear and desire, very much linked. My type's - Type 1's - core desire is to be good, and core fear is to be corrupt/bad. So the inner critic is strong and analyses everything I do. That's part of the contradictory behavior: I try a thing on a whim, and legitimately the rest of me - even unrelated to other people and my faith, but just my own self and head - take what I've done and measure it against my morals and who I want to be. (EDIT: Here, "my morals" and "who I want to be" refer to the compass to be discussed further on, not just me making my own calls.) The inner critic is not something I can let go of; it's part of how I am, and how I process. Even if there are influences, that guide is independent of others' views (recall the questioning of my conservative teachers and having very different views from my mom), and it is an integral part of me. Not separate, but part of my natural self. (Not fun to be in my own head many times, but I've been learning to give myself grace.)

That part of myself is why I had a physical reaction that first week when things weren't lining up right. Even though logically I don't have a problem with loving poly relationships, the rest of me was banging at my insides to tell me it wasn't lined up with my compass.

That's the annoying part too. Is I don't decide my compass. I don't know what does but it defies logic. That's the one part I can't take ownership of because I've tried very hard to change it and it doesn't work. Learning to give myself grace keeps it from jabbing so hard and painfully, but it doesn't change its constant tug and pull. That's why I'm working all the time. And why little things get turned into molehills. Because what might not seem like a moral issue to you gets tested and criticized in my head, sometimes with more weight than you - and even I! - think is necessary. (EDIT: This refers not just to our things, but daily thoughts and actions. I'll feel morally bad for goofy things like not going out of my way to pick up trash, not giving a kind enough greeting to a server (when I was already my regular smiley self), or for eating at one place over another. I recognize how illogical it is many times and so have been working with it for awhile.)

It has nothing to do with how much I love you guys. I still very much want to be close to you. I'm not trying to push you away. I want to be friends forever and I want you in my life. On my end I feel like it could work, because my compass says it could. But I know you guys don't work like I do. I know when I back off certain alleys it seems like I'm closing off emotionally/closeness-wise. Know that legitimately, that is NOT the case.

You were right. I leave and my head catches up to me. Uncalculated things scare me. But that's how I am. That's not leaving anytime soon. I've been pushing against it with you guys for awhile now because I wanted it to work, but if there's one thing I've learned over the years: the pieces that don't align with that compass never stay long.

You guys align with my compass. Just continuing more intense physical affection as friends doesn't match up. From what I've gathered you both see such activities as just an extension of closeness and safety. I feel that closeness and safety, and would not have gotten this far without it. Just on my end, those specific actions have more weight and consequence than in the moment, unrelated to the closeness and safety. That weight and consequence is what I've been working through. (And the grey ace stuff just amplifies the confusion, which definitely doesn't help, hahaha. It's been great to figure that side out, and I feel much more confident in that side of me. It's good to know I'm not broken. Still, I wish that attraction would be a little more consistent.. Again, be allo or ace, but don't do both. I don't recommend it. Not a fun combo.)

To summarize: You both are aligned for me. You wouldn't be so seemlessly adopted into my physics if you weren't. (Some faster than others (Hello Bandana! 😉💕)) I want to keep that alignment. But my compass says I don't want to be a person who is regularly physically affectionate with someone I'm not in a relationship with. (And by physically affectionate, I mean deep kisses and walls.) It's a goal that is independent of you but that affects you both.

I wish you wouldn't take it personally.

But feelings are involved.

So I think you would.

[ineedahiddencorner]

1.23.20

Just because I have these feelings

Doesn't mean that, in the end, this decision isn't better for me.

I feel who I want to become

And you're there, just not in that capacity.

At least, I could not have you in that capacity anyway.

That's the trouble with people you hit a chord with-

You still strike that chord.

That is a constant; an unchangeable description of state.

Maybe, in another life, another time, and other circumstances..

But for today. For now. For where we are. It hurts now but ultimately is for the best.

And that's okay.

Frick. You really made this hard.

It was going to be anyway, but I'd already planned.

Calculated.

Put my heart away in a box in advance.

You not only found the box; you took a key you didn't know you had, opened it, and held it in your open palms.

Put simply.. you made it complicated.

How dare you.

(I say in jest.)

(I can't be mad - not after the pain I know I'm causing.

I just wish there was a capacity, a middle ground, for this to exist..

But that's too dangerous. At least right now.)

I do sincerely hope that one day we can be comfortable again.

I love being wrapped in your arms - I could live in your hugs.

That said, I know there's - apparently - a boundary in terms of terminology and expectation.

One that I believe you will have to reconcile with first.

But maybe.

Maybe.

One day.

We could be close friends again.

When we're both in the clear.

[ineedahiddencorner]

3.21.20

Well. The back pain is still there.

I was writing a proper blurb about it, with all the details and everything, but it seems it's affecting my concentration even though I'm sitting upright, in a proper chair, with a pillow for support. It doesn't acutely hurt right now but it feels like its threatening to. I was describing the pain as "acidic" earlier.... It's somewhere between an ache and acute, with flare ups of acute pain here and there.

Summary of post before:

It started moderate, went back to mild, and has been back to moderate to worse the past few days. It does not respond to extra-strength acetaminophen, heating pads, massages, or a proper physical therapy appointment. (That didn't even relieve it much during the appointment - I felt the same while adjustments were being made, let alone walking out.)

The only thing that seemed to loosen it somewhat was a drink, which is definitely not a remedy option.

So. Fun times. Had by all.

A family member suggested it might be stress. (Wonder why...)

I knew I had to pray anyway, because there has been so much I've been working through on my own. So, last night, I took time surrendering everything up to God. I listed off conflicts and concerns, one by one, from the past few weeks - from Bandana and Taco to Bush (oh that last one was necessary), and from family to school to the virus. I surrendered them all and felt better, and then had dreams last night which reflected that - a woman talked to me about life before and after giving it all up to God. It's funny, I'd seen and had a deep, pure, unknown affection for her in both her iterations throughout the dream (she appeared twice in two different contexts), but it wasn't until the very end of the second one, just before I woke up, that she started talking about God. But it was reassurance I needed, and I woke up refreshed and more myself than I had been the last few days. Even the worry about the back pain was gone.

Since then, I spent the morning and early afternoon running errands with (for) Mom. Though I haven't lifted anything heavy, the pain is still ever present. Moving is kept to a minimum, though its mostly transitions that hurt most - walking is fine once I get to it, it's just the getting up part. So for now just sitting, writing, and staying very warm in one of the softest hoodies I've ever had the pleasure of borrowing. (A grey and black one that I've actually stolen and shall never return... Thank goodness the two I stole it from will never see this post.. Nope... Nuh-uh. Never. Thank heavens.)

My back may be one thing. But my mental state is much more at peace. That's at least one out of two steps in the right direction.

Now I just wish I had the energy to reply to all the messages I keep getting... I want to reply to people I care about but my energy remains minimal. We'll get there. For now just taking it all one thing at a time.

To anyone who reads this and is concerned - I'm already set for further medical attention next week. Just hanging out and doing what I can in the meantime, and trying to not overthink anything. (Which I never do.)

(About anything.)

(Not once.)

(Never.)