#((STORYTIME

[yukichosodrink]

Lore update

Yall SO. imma jump straight into it (sorry its long). theres some guy thats crazyyy over me, like hes always talking about me to everyone in our uni. etc. but he like wanna fuck me and shit (hes not a good guy hes shitty)

so hes like a playboy and everyone wants him (trust me his personality is NOT IT) so he asked this girl to ask me if i like/wanna date him or no and i said "i already like sm1 else" and this girl she wants that boy so she was like jealous n shit.

then she told that boy that (me) "she is so ugly why do you even want her eww" etc etc shit (LIKE LEGIT SHE SAID THIS LMAO?) then went ahead and created a group chat and added boys and started talking shit about me calling me ugly and said that 'she's gonna send people to beat me up if I (me) dont date him'

LMFAO i was like girl stop being a meat rider, have him i dont want him. but she kept hating and like said shit about me for like 3-4 hours. (and i dont even know this girl???) spreading hate aft getting rejected #womaninmaledominatedfields

also that guy cannot take rejection, he said he dont care and that i am his (he says this shit in uni to other people) but like im lowk a chill guy so i didnt say anything to them didnt fight n shit.

SO YEAH.

😭

[permanentbottombunk]

One of my cats (Doofer) is particularly dumb. When she was little, she didn't know how to stop running. She problem solved by deciding that the best way to stop was running into walls. She was also very unbalanced from the get go, like never lost the unsteady kitten wobbles.

Obviously, this concerned us. So we take her to the vet, thinking she might have an inner ear or eye problem.

Vet gets back to us. This is the dumbest cat they had ever had in their office. No physical problems, just significantly dumb. Like regularly forgot how to breathe because she was purring at the nurse dumb.

And surprisingly, she isn't orange! She's a nice light brown (which looks desaturated in pictures for some reason)

[belicomic]

Let's spread good vibes and make the world a better place!

Follow my YOUTUBE for new video:

https://www.youtube.com/@belicomic

[pathos-logical]

[ID: A reply by @/crematedequally that says, "I sent this to my former anthropology advisor (he worked with Neanderthal and cro magnon sites but he helped me a lot with my art history minor) and he sent me back a single thumbs up emoji and a picture 40 minutes later showing he’d printed it out and thumbtacked it to his bedroom wall." End ID]

cracking myself up thinking about the movement towards simplified forms in cave paintings

[silvermoon424]

It's so fucking funny how many people who owned Furbies as children ended up being traumatized by them in some way

[uwudonoodle]

Storytime: My brother Dave used to manage a Little Ceasars, and he hated it. So when my mom asked him what he wanted on his birthday cake, he jokingly said the Little Ceasars guy being stabbed with his own spear. My mom, who doesn't always get sarcasm, didn't even question it. She lovingly made him exactly what he asked for. It's my favorite cake ever.

Happy Ides of March to Ceasar getting stabbed!

[foldingfittedsheets]

Since everyone seems to love my sex shop stories, here’s another one.

Phone calls were literally a game for us. Not all phone calls, but there was a specific brand of call where guys would creep on us. 90% of the workforce at the sex shops was women. So we’d get dudes calling jacking off or trying to get their jollies from us.

The game: make them hang up. We could have hung up. On a few occasions I did, but for the most part we made a sport out of getting creeps to go flaccid. It really depended on a caller.

You couldn’t just go in for belittling them straight off- some guys wanted that. You had to tailor your strategy to the perv. Overall it was pretty fun and it turned an aspect of the job that could’ve become a major bummer into a fun sport. We’d get excited when the phones rang.

So one day the phone rings. I pick up and it was very clearly a young teen who was putting on a deep voice. I was utterly delighted, I’d never had a crank call before. He said, “I have a dildo emergency! Can you deliver 5 boxes of dildos to my home?!”

It took everything in me not to crack in that moment. It was so funny. It was like three kids had walked through the door in a trench coat and the phrase “dildo emergency” was one of the funniest things I’d ever heard.

But I kept it together. In smooth customer service tones I replied, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear you’re having an emergency, but due to the nature of our product we do require people to come pick it up themselves.”

The caller audibly deflated. Some of the deep voice he was putting on bled away when he said plaintively, “But it’s an emergency…”

“I’m sorry, sir, rules are rules.”

He hung up. I burst out laughing and told my coworker what had happened. She said, “I will buy you lunch if you call back and pretend you can deliver something.”

This sounded like an all around win for me, and the kid hadn’t used anything to block his number. So I called back.

“Hello!” This was before caller ID was common for home phones and so he picked up in his totally normal voice, several octaves higher than before.

“Hello, I’m calling regarding your dildo emergency?”

“Oh! Hem hem,” he coughed, getting his voice back into character for me. “Yes! The emergency!”

“Well I’ve spoken to my manager and it’s your lucky day. We’ll be able to make a delivery after all. Five boxes you said? We can swing it by later, we’ll just need your name, address, and credit card number.”

He was thrown by needing to provide info and was silent for a moment then said, “Well how much is it for five boxes?”

“About five hundred dollars, sir.”

He slipped out of his character voice to exclaim, “Five hundred dollars?! What kind of dildos are they?!”

“Just standard six inches with balls, sir.”

This was his breaking point. He started wheezing with laughter trying to repeat the phrase “six inches with balls” incoherently.

“So your address and card info?”

He hung up and I broke down laughing too. We both got a kick out of it, and I won the game twice in one day.

[batshit-auspol]

As a holdover from when churches used to run schools, many states in Australia legislate that the local church can come into schools to teach religion classes for an hour each week.

These 'scripture teacher' roles generally do not require any formal education training, and can be filled by just about any random off the street, which means that for one class a week Australian students are subjected to some of the most unhinged people on earth teaching them all kinds of made up stuff with zero supervision.

Aussies: This is a free thread to reply with the stories of the funniest things your scripture teachers said or did when you were a kid.

[taffywabbit]

a bunch of my computer parts came with super bright gamer RGBs all over them (not by choice - the models with lights just happened to be better deals) and my case has a glass side panel, so when I first brought it home and set it up, I had to spend like 2 hours downloading and configuring several different programs to turn them all off (because no single app seemed to be able to control all the components at once).

in the end, the only light I left on was on the side of my GPU, and I set it to be a soft dark purple that would slide across the length of the GPU like a marquee every few seconds - nothing that'd disturb my sleep if my computer happened to wake itself up in a dark room, but enough to look cool and give me a visual indicator that the PC was turned on.

anyways sometimes I guess the driver that controls that specific component's RGBs just... crashes? for absolutely no reason? and the result is that it defaults to an intense, solid red that harshly illuminates my whole case and the area around it. every time this happens I cannot shake the immediate, instinctive fear that my computer has turned evil and is going to kill me. like oh god oh fuck it knows I ""fixed"" one of its CPU cooler fans by scotch-taping it in place so it would stop spinning unevenly and screeching at me, and now it's waiting for its chance to strike and claim ultimate revenge

[antikittysocial]

BHAHAHAH

once dandy sold 3 box of chocolates on a dandy run and I distracted dandy for the first time :D (as goob) I died a couple floors later due to toodles on panic timer tho-

AND NOT GRADIENT XDDD

Thanks for tagging me, @chaoticfandomgirly !❤️

And the lucky man is…

D.C.I. Mike McGuire from Whitstable Pearl!

Don’t mind if I do! A lovably grumpy bear of a man, who I would climb like a tree given half the chance!

I tag @all-or-nothing-baby @guiltypleasurefandomface @fireladybuckley @kinkykinard @a-victorian-girl @katries and anyone else who wants to play. No pressure on anyone who doesn’t!😘

[bluecatwriter]

I've been rereading some of my old travel diaries from my early 20's, and one of them seriously reads like a slow-burn fanfic. I was on tour with a small indie band and there was a cute guy my age traveling with the band. And we spent two weeks "accidentally" hanging out and sitting close to each other at the merch table in smoky bars and reading Tolkien poetry to each other and taking walks at the beach and sharing food and stargazing and sleeping next to each other on living room floors and giving each other back rubs and talking late into the night gazing into each other's eyes.

We never kissed. We never even held hands. I pretended to fall asleep on his shoulder once in the car, and one day I gave him a little kiss on the cheek. And that was it. We said goodbye two weeks later and we both thought it was forever and I pined so hard that I threw up.

A month later he sent me an apologetic letter saying that he was sorry for being so presumptuous when I clearly had no romantic interest in him, but that he had to be honest that he was in love with me. And I was like, "What?! He was in love with me this whole time???"

So yeah, we're married now (celebrated ten years last autumn) but if you're ever wondering if your slow-burn fic is too slow, or that your characters are too oblivious, just remember me and my now-spouse mutually pining over each other every single second of the day for two weeks without ever saying a word to each other about how we felt. I was reading my own diary yelling, "JUST KISS HIM ALREADY!"

[thatdisasterauthor]

My dad is the kind of guy who just takes care of the whole neighborhood because they are, mostly, retirees he’s known a good chunk of his life if not his whole life. Snowblows after storms, brings their trashcans in, keeps an eye on their houses, does handyman jobs, etc.. HOWEVER. A young couple moved in next to my dad about a year ago, and they’ve got a little near-toddler, and my dad is just flabbergasted by them, and it is hilarious.

After the last storm he went out and cleared their driveway and sidewalks and in return they baked him a loaf of raspberry banana bread, and with it they included a stickynote with allergy information. To which my dad called me and said, in the most baffled voice, “Katy, I drink creek water, what the fuck do I need allergy information for?”

I’m sorry the neighbors don’t know you’re half feral, sir. Just enjoy your bread.

(He did happily take the bread and said it’s the best bread he’s ever had.)

[deliciousrebeltrashchronicals]

Nah but when I was assaulted in my own bed in the middle of the night by a strange man, after the yelling and the screaming and the throwing of punches the guy ran out. and me, working on pure instinct ran out into the pitch darkness to chase after him.

later que everyone (cops included) asking me

“Why the FUCK would you do that?”

And man, the above post kinda covers it. Like. In that moment there was no thought process other than what I imagine horses feel when confronted with a dingo “idk why but I gotta stomp this mother fucker”

Was it smart to run out into the dark as fuck bush after my attacker? No. Probably not.

But for fucks sake I got one punch in and I wanted to land more idk.

Dude probably thought I was easy prey, but I’m just like if I am going down you’re fucking going down with me. Bet.

When you encounter a wild animal in nature, it's good to bear in mind that a predator can be negotiated with. They don't want to attack unless they're sure they can take you down without risking injury on themselves - a predator that can't hunt won't eat, so going for a risky kill is usually not worth it. A prey animal, however, has nothing to lose. If you spook that thing, it will decide it's best to sell its life dearly and be determined to take you down with it.

This also applies in traffic. A pedestrian is a prey animal. Sure, if I'm walking somewhere and you decide it's a good idea to spook me for no reason, you can try speeding at me as fast as the law allows and screech to a halt at the last possible second. But if the weather is wet and you make me slip while crossing the road, bear in mind that I am carrying a long umbrella with a spike at the end. And if I lose my balance, I might take support of it and land spike first. And the spike might not land on the ground, but the nearest solid surface. While I don't know if my bodyweight is enough to make the umbrella tip puncture the hood of a car, I guess we'll get to find out together.

Spook prey animals at your own risk. Once death is on the line, I've got nothing more to lose.

[thatsthat24]

Narrating People’s Lives: The Saga Continues 🎃 (Felt like making a sequel to one of my favorites)

[beechfruit]

So in my class we name our glue sticks to stop the kids losing or mistreating them - they're much less likely to lose a glue lid if you're shouting "oh no, Alfred's been decapitated". It's fun.

Now, I'm a big batfam girlie ✨ so naturally I named all our glues after these characters. We have Richard and Bruce and Stephanie and Barbara etc. you see the point.

Recently, the first glue stick ran out. It had to go in the bin so unfortunately it "died", and you'll never guess which glue stick was the first to die...

It was Jason.

You could not conceive the sound I made as I had to throw Jason in the bin as all the children shouted things like "Jason's dead" and "noooo Jason!"

Worst things worse, I couldn't even explain how ironic that was that Jason, the second robin, was the first glue to go!

[sliceoflifebear]

Ok so I got this thing while getting discount candy and just look at it!!!

This looks stupid…so I bought it because IM A RESPONSIBLE CONSUMER!!! Let’s open it.

HOW TO EGG??!!

Ok so rock but also slime and also foam. I did not plan for this.

Slime and bones. Like I am back in the 90s

Fluffy foam and bones.

Time to crack open a hard one with the boys

Holy hell

I swear it’s not drugs

We can rebuild it, we have the technology

Meet my child Stevphen!