#( with his privileged upbringing I think he basically had everything he could ever want )

[cabbxges-and-kings]

WHAT’S  YOUR  LOVE  LANGUAGE ?

* 𝐀𝐁𝐑𝐀𝐇𝐀𝐌 𝐖𝐎𝐎𝐃𝐇𝐔𝐋𝐋

Quality Time: 37%

Physical Touch: 27%

Words of Affirmation: 17%

Acts of Service: 17%

Receiving Gifts: 3%

[iamanartichoke]

Another totally unprompted ask, on the assumption that you are definitely no longer in need of them… another thing I’m trying to work out about Loki characterisation in preparation for perpetrating fic torture on him is how suicidal the poor sod is most of the time. This is another thing I’ve seen referred to a lot but only in passing. Though obviously this is a pretty triggery topic, so ignore if you want.

I am always in need of totally unprompted asks, otherwise I just assume no one wants to talk to me lmao

So, hoo boy. I have been mulling over this for, apparently, three days now bc there's just ... there's a lot to unpack here. Putting under a cut for obviously triggery content and also for length bc fml.

In my opinion, the response to "how suicidal is Loki most of the time" is "very, but whether or not he wants to do anything about it varies from moment to moment" (see what I did there? I'll see myself out). In other words, I have always had a headcanon that Loki is consistently, passively suicidal. This is a headcanon that comes straight from TDW, bc I'm certain that Loki never had any intention of surviving their mission. And that could be a whole other post, really, but the point is that even though this is a TDW-centric headcanon, I have come to adopt it as applying to Loki in general as well, not just in those specific circumstances.

When I say passively suicidal, I mean that Loki is just sort of ambivalent about the value of his own life. He feels like he doesn't deserve to be alive, and feels like there's little point in being alive. Which - I don't mean to sound all gloom and doom, like, poor uwu emo Loki (and I kinda hate that I have to pause to disclaim that, no, I don't just have a fixation on Loki being depressed for funsies/the aesthetic/whatever); I think that this mindset stems from really complicated places that I'm not sure I can articulate, but I will try.

I view Loki as someone who suffers from a severe inferiority complex, and I feel like it stems from being abandoned as an infant. Loki's life started with a traumatic event and, even if he doesn't remember the event itself, the feelings he experienced stayed in his subconscious. Feelings of loss, of fear, of despair and abandonment, of suffering - these are all feelings that burrowed into his bones and lived there for his entire life, feelings that colored how Loki viewed himself as a person as well as how he compared to the people around him.

Keep in mind that Loki didn't know he was abandoned until the events of Thor 1, obviously. We don't really know how old Loki is, in human years, but I have always assumed that he and Thor were at least adults (not teenagers), maybe the equivalent of early twenties - and the reason I bring that up is because it means Loki made it all the way to adulthood carrying the weight of a trauma that he did not remember or even knew had happened, so to him, there was no real reason for how wrong he felt. There was no explanation for the feelings of loss, of neglect, of fear. So on top of struggling with those feelings, Loki was also burdened with the alienation that comes with wondering why one can't just be like everyone else, why one can't just "snap out" of depression, why one's sense of self-worth has always been lacking.

So imagine what it's like to grow up as Loki. He was traumatized as an infant. The trauma has been with him his entire life, along with the confusion/alienation of not understanding why he feels the way that he does, and then on top of that, his basic personality lends itself toward introspection and isolation, so he likely felt even further removed from Thor and from his peers. Loki's too smart for his own good, and he's got an enormous capacity to feel and I feel like this is a combination that works against him as much as it does for him, bc it probably means he spent a lot of time examining himself and identifying all of his perceived flaws - and then berating himself for said flaws.

People with depression are probably pretty familiar with the bully that lives in your head, the one who is always there to remind you that you're stupid, or ugly, or that nobody likes you, or that you have nothing of value to contribute to anyone, etc. Loki's no different; he's got that bully in his head, too. Add onto this the fact that his brother is literally perfect, that he feels his father doesn't love him (or love him as much), that his interests in things like magic are looked down on in his culture, and that he's a prince (meaning that along with the privilege comes pressure, and being in the public eye, knowing that everyone around him is comparing him to Thor as much as he compares himself to Thor, well.) and you have a total clusterfuck of a mindset, and Loki's been existing inside of that clusterfuck for nearly all of his life.

I always go back to the quote where, when filming I think the vault scene, Kenneth Branagh directs Tom by saying, "This is the moment where the thin steel rod holding your brain together snaps." And it's such a significant moment for Loki bc this is where it all crumbles for him, learning the truth, but I also fixate on the "thin steel rod" part of the quote bc that's not how one would describe a healthy, stable person's mind. The implication, to me, has always been that Loki wasn't that stable to start with due to his general upbringing, his internal struggles, and his personality, so of course the devastation of learning he's adopted, and Jotun, would send him over the edge. One doesn't go from zero to 60; one doesn't fall over the edge unless they were balancing fairly close to it in the first place. And to me, the "thin steel rod" basically equals the aforementioned clusterfuck of a mindset.

THE POINT IS. (Holy shit, I ramble.) This is the foundation on which I'm basing my headcanon that Loki neither values his life nor feels as if he even deserves to live it - bc his default mindset is one of inferiority, of loss, of pain. And I think that going from being a general unstable person pre-canon to being passively suicidal post-canon is a thing that happened because, somewhere between the vault in Thor 1 and the dungeons in TDW, Loki just stopped caring.

Life is exhausting for everyone, but even moreso when your mental load becomes more than you can carry. Loki is exhausted. His experience is that things just keep getting worse and worse for him - he's never been valued, he's always been found wanting. He discovers that he was literally thrown away as an infant, unwanted and left to die, and things haven't gotten much better for him since then. Everything that can go wrong, does go wrong. His plans spin out of control. He's unable to prove his worth and his value and when he is, in fact, rejected, he literally tries to kill himself (only to survive and end up in an even worse situation).

It all just continually goes downhill, and Loki is fucking exhausted. He's done. He has no hope that anything is ever going to change - he will never be valued or even seen, he's unable to connect to anyone, he has no family (aside from Thor, but their relationship is so fraught with pain). As far as he's concerned, his life has been nothing but a waste since he was born and if no one else values it, why should he?

So - passively suicidal. He places no value on his life, and doesn't shy away from situations that could cost him his life. It's possible that the only reason he's not actively suicidal is bc his previous attempt not only failed but led to such a horrible situation that he's probably too afraid to intentionally seek out death again. He doesn't want to fail and end up worse off for it.

And - not that you asked this in particular, but - my biggest disappointment in the series is that none of what I've just written is addressed in a satisfying way (to me). That is, we don't get any real explicit acknowledgement of the trauma of Loki's abandonment as a baby or how that affected his mental health growing up; we don't get to explore how devastated he was to learn of his adoption; we don't ever see him reconcile his ingrained belief that jotuns are monstrous savages with the fact that he is jotun. He says "I betrayed everyone I loved, but I'm different now" and we're supposed to infer what he means without Loki actually articulating why he feels that he's the only one who should be held responsible for all these things that had happened or what "I've changed" even means to him (aside from not betraying Sylvie).

I would have liked to see these things addressed for a lot of reasons, but one of those reasons is that I would want to see how Loki comes to terms with all of his issues and his pain enough that he stops being passively suicidal. We never get to see that; after TDW, the time that passes allows for Loki to kinda chill, resulting in the Ragnarok version, but if there was any real healing or recovering going on, it was happening off-screen, with the audience expected to just go with "yeah Loki was going through it for awhile but he's kinda better now."

Furthermore, much of what I've written here is based on prime Loki's development through TDW, but doesn't account for series Loki's split from that timeline nor the theme of "Lokis survive" that's so prevalent in the series. So I don't think the "passively suicidal" headcanon is really appropriate for series Loki but, at the same time, I'd like to have seen why. I'd like to have seen Loki learning to value his life, or where the "we survive" mindset comes from, since that's not really been a thing before now. (Out of universe, I suspect it comes from the context of Loki just not dying whenever he tries to, but since TDW and IW haven't happened, and Loki didn't intend to survive his fall from the bifrost, framing Loki as an innate survivor doesn't really make sense, but to be fair, I'm just being picky.)

So, yeah. I'm not saying Loki doesn't experience growth or development in the series, I'm just saying that his arc left much unsaid and, furthermore, framing his growth as "wanting a throne to not wanting a throne" without addressing that Loki doesn't actually want the power of the throne, he wants the value and self-worth he associates with the throne, is - well, again, unsatisfying. Not bad, but it leaves viewers like me wanting bc we're cognizant of how much more could have been done.

I ... am going to end this now. This is probably nonsensical and all over the place, so I'm very sorry, and I'm sure this is why I don't get meta-starter asks lmfao bc no one's out here trying to read my dissertation submission for a Ph.D in Loki, but well, sometimes it just be like that.

Thank you for the ask and the opportunity to ramble.

[rein-ette]

Are you still working on your Commonwealth study? Do you have any thoughts on Arthur's relationships with his colonies apart from Canzuk + US?

Not properly, unfortunately with exams and then work I haven’t had mental/emotional capacity to do real research (and probably won’t for a while 😔). But I have continued to think about and develop certain relationships, and I think I also have old hcs I’ve never shared, so I’ll put those down!

Born into the Empire

Australia

@oumaheroes has already done such great hcs on him idk what I can add, but basically he was a little bit of a rowdy child, always breaking windows and shattering fancy pots, never able to sit still. I think rainbow once mentioned that Ken (short for Kenneth, my name for Aus) was a lot like England as a child in his curiosity and energy, and I wholeheartedly agree. But I think Arthur’s intensity was more inwardly directed, pushing him to pursue and master new talents and learn whatever he could, while Australia is a little more carefree in his love for the outdoors, exploring, jumping around and off things, little wild animals. Unfortunately for him, he was born in a period of the empire when Arthur was very serious about his kids education, and therefore often praised those who studied hard and learned fast, which really just wasn’t Australia’s cup of tea. Australia took this kinda hard and thought he was the “dumb” one in the family that Arthur was always scolding, but in reality Arthur knew and appreciated that Australias interests lay elsewhere — he was just a frustrated, tired, parent who really wanted to give his kids the best while also holding his empire together, two goals that were never going to fit well in the end and would completely exhaust him.

As Australia’s grown older he’s realized a bit of this (not entirely, though) and also that 1) he really did break a lot expensive things and cause general mayhem 2) scolding us Arthur’s way of showing he cares, if he didn’t he wouldn’t have payed attention to him at all 3) despite being a penal colony, he was still one of Arthur’s more “legitimate” children (being white and a boy) and was therefore still incredibly privileged — never having to question, for example, why it was that Arthur was his dad, if it should be this way, or if he had a seat at the family table at all (more on this later).

New Zealand

Zee, from birth, was a clear favourite. Obedient, calm, quietly intelligent, he would also later develop a blistering sense of humour which combined with his appearance made it overwhelmingly clear who’s child he was. If Ken questioned his place in the family because of his poor academic record and others did because of their appearance/race/other complications, Kaelan never had such problems; his siblings called him the “prince.” Zee, however, also had a charm that, like Matthew, endeared him to his siblings and mostly protected him from jealousy, though he certainly still had issues with being called a try hard, daddy’s boy, bossy, arrogant. Certainly as a child Zee was a little prideful and, under that unperturbed demeanour, willful, but he grew out of it by the 20th century and became one of those most trusted by Arthur, second only to Matthew. He’s also always been inseparable from his brother Australia despite their differences, and today they both have one of the healthiest and most amicable relationships with Arthur of any nation, let alone former colonies (family road trips, every summer).

Bermuda

I absolute fell in love with this girl after reading about here, once, in this fic by @shachaai, and after that my mind just ran away with me. For me, her human name given to her by Arthur just has to be Ariel — for the little mermaid reference, yes, symbolizing her connection to the sea and stunning good looks, but also because:

1. Ariel is a biblical name, meaning lion of God. This makes sense to me, because Bermuda began as a Portuguese trade post, so Arthur definitely consulted our resident bad catholic Port before naming her.

2. Ariel used to be boys name. This also makes sense, because I hc Bermuda was and still is a tomboy. Bitch is fierce, takes no prisoners, and has zero filter. Her letters to Arthur, which all the colonies sent so Arthur could keep an eye on things, were full of shit like “I swear to god if the Spanish don’t get out of my waters I might eat one of them,” and “father, I asked you for destroyers two months ago, and yet you sent them to Hong Kong — could you explain this most unusual occurrence, surely it’s not that you forgot”, and “thank you for the harpoon on my birthday, I caught a small shark a couple days ago and have sent you some of its teeth for your collection.” Arthur tolerates this attitude because he’s weak when it comes to girls; he absolutely spoils his daughters (and flushes like a 16 year old when a woman so much as bats her eyelashes at him). Yes, p*ssywhipped Arthur is a hill I will die on.

3. It also suits her because? Ariel? Shakespeare? The Tempest? Bermuda Triangle? Shipwrecks? Daughter-like figure of powerful and vengeful sorcerer? Yeah. And this girl is a fire spirit — she is so lively, snarky, clever. As she’s grown older she’s mellowed out a little, but still: a no shit taken, no fucks given type of gal.

4. Speaking of growing up, she’s also become quite the beauty. Shacha, if I’m remembering correctly, described her as dark skinned, wavy-haired, and green eyed and that image has been burned onto the back of my eyelids ever since. Those Iberian genetics really be pulling through for her, that’s for sure. Engport love child if I’ve ever seen one. Definitely one of the prettiest in her family.

Singapore

I’ve already mentioned this to needcake, but I’m not too big a fan of canon Singapore, so this is my oc version. Singapore is fascinating to me because it had only a very small local population before it became a colony (The original settlement had actually been destroyed by the Portuguese about two centuries before the British started building a port there.) So nation-tans like Singapore and Bermuda really are Arthur’s children in the most direct sense of the word. And yet, Singapore is mostly ethnically Chinese, with Malays being the second largest group. Growing up Asian in a white, Victorian era family surely cannot have been easy and more than once Singapore probably wondered if there hadn’t been some mistake. To make up for the constant fear that he wasn’t “really” British, Singapore studied ferociously and had a truly terrifying work ethic. I’m not sure if this is common knowledge outside Asian circles, so I’ll mention that this hc comes from the fact Singapore is well known for having truly exceptional students and some of the most prestigious schools. Singaporeans score highly in literally everything and they have an advantage with good English learning environments, a highly desirable trait in Asia, but these results come from brutally long hours — and its really saying something that they’re known for working hard, considering the studying ethic of students in Korea, Japan, and China aint nothing to sneeze at, either. To me this actually fits really well with Singapore’s upbringing in Arthur’s household, because Arthur himself prizes intelligence and hard work above all else, being a workaholic himself.

As for their relationship, it was probably the best when Singapore was young and peaked in the 1930s with the massive naval base the British built at Singapore, at the time the largest dry dock in the world. Singapore was a well-behaved child, not necessarily introverted but not rowdy either, and all the way into his teenage years he truly admired Arthur and was proud to be a part of the British Empire, despite his lingering unease and insecurities. The British defeat in World War II, however, was a massive turning point. He had worked his ass off to be a good son, a good brother, to contribute to the only family and system he had ever known, and he had thought by the 30s he was finally on his way to becoming a fine adult. And suddenly, the British surrender brings his entire world crashing down. He had followed the rules faithfully thinking it was his destiny, but suddenly it was clear that all rules were made up. Of course, his insecurities exploded. If the empire was a ruse, what the hell was he? A part of the illusion? He couldn’t have a truly Asian identity, because many of the old East Asian nations shunned him for his Western upbringing, and he could not entirely understand their values either. So he was a kid who kinda had to figure out late and very very suddenly who the fuck he was and wanted to be.

And, well, he’s done pretty well for himself, hasn’t he. After having a total crisis and questioning everything, I think Singapore slowly started to realize that just because the British Empire as a political entity didn’t last forever, that didn’t mean that his entire childhood and identity weren’t real. The love he gave to his siblings and the love he got back, the hard work he put in, his bond with Arthur and the safe, happy childhood he had — those memories and feelings didnt have to be diminished by what came after. Essentially, he learned the lesson all nations have to learn, which is that one needs to be able to discern between duties as a nation and feelings as a human being, and to some extent keep them separate to protect both.

Whoooooo ok I’ll stop there because this turned into a dissertation, sorry. Let me know if there are any specifics u want me to elaborate on or anything I missed, but I’ll leave this here for today :)

[mikaze-discord]

Love letter project ♡

Sooo to celebrate the 4th anniversary of Shining live, I put together a project! I basically got a bunch of people to write a love letter for their favourite boy. Things like, why they like them, how they got to like them and what they like about them were all accepted!

The event was supposed to have 2 fans for each boy but unfortunately I was unable to get two for some of the boys. 

Under the cut will be the love letters for all of Class A!!! Please enjoy~ And thank you for all the people who participated in the event and taking the time to write the love letters out. 

CLASS A

OTOYA ITTOKI

From @ponzu-penzui:

Hello world! My nickname is Yuki, and I’m here to tell you about the sunshine boy that is Otoya Ittoki. The redhead of the series, Otoya is your seemingly a-typical sunshine in a mascot boy character. But, as we all know with these types, the sunshine isn’t as, well, sunshine as they seem. Or, if you didn’t know, well… spoiler alert I guess. Go watch the anime, or play the otome games, then come back here. Anyways, let’s get started on our journey, shall we? Through the rabbithole that got me here in the first place!

Otoya immediately became my best boy the second I saw him. I’m not quite sure what immediately got me at first, whether it be his red hair and eyes, his voice, or his immediate friendliness, but here we are. I should also mention that UtaPri was my first idol anime, so I was completely unaware what was going to hit me later. And, if you’ve watched the entire anime, you know where I’m going.

Season 4 was an emotional wreck. I cried at least twice. Did I have a newfound appreciation for Otoya after all that heartache? Definitely. Without spoilers, it was incredibly painful for me to watch, but I don’t regret it.

After watching the anime, I soon found out about the existence of Shining Live. So, with no other UtaPri content to binge, I started to play SL in late 2018. After playing for a little more than a year, I tiered in my first Otoya event (Heartwarming Snow Festival), and achieved my first top 200. Ever since then, I’ve tiered in every Otoya event, getting top 200, then top 100.

But, why do I like Otoya Ittoki even to this day? Well, I guess this is the time where I say that, after a certain point, I started to see bits of myself in Otoya. This led me to start to RP him, and, as you probably know if you’ve ever roleplayed a character before, I started to look at the miniscule amount of translated game content (many thanks to the Ohayaho Translation Team) for, well, more content. And content I did receive. Long story short, this only served to solidify Otoya as my favorite boy of not only UtaPri, but from all anime/manga/game content I’ve ever seen/watched. His cheerfulness may have been the first thing that got me in this rabbithole, but his backstory and how he managed to grow up pulled me in even further. And, I don’t think I will or want to get out anytime soon.

Next one from; Anon

As much as we all know our Otoya for how sweet and kind he is, there is so much more to him than just a precious smile. He is uplifting, cheerful towards everyone he meets. He has empathy and goes out of his way to make sure his friends are happy. Even so, Otoya has feelings that aren’t always happiness and smiles. He can feel sad and angry just like anyone else.

The reason I care and love Otoya so much is because he has shown me that I don’t have to always put on a smile. It’s nice to show off your pearly whites, but sometimes, it’s okay to be sad too. There are times in everyone’s life when they feel out of place and that they don’t belong. Otoya also felt this way and that’s perfectly okay. He’s still being the best idol he can be: The idol that Otoya loves the most.

MASATO HIJIRIKAWA

From Anon: 

Masato Hijirikawa. Why do I like Masato Hijirikawa? I like him to the point that it feels weird for me to even question why I do. He's just- a good boy. A great boy. I love him. As a joke, I'd usually say that it was his weirdly pretty, bowl-cut hairstyle that drew me to him, or I'd say that he caught my interest when I read that he was "very good with his hands" (wink wonk) in his Shining Live description, and while both of these reasons are still true, it wasn't until I started role playing him in an old server that I really started to appreciate his character more.

Masato, despite his aloof and almost "perfect" initial image, is a very relatable character. When he first arrived at Saotome (in-game) he wasn't necessarily seen as someone with a lot of talent to become an idol, which he acknowledged with grace and worked hard to make up for. He's humble despite his privileged upbringing and is incredibly self-aware of his flaws, which are sources of insecurity for him sometimes (a lot of times). Though it should be said that most of this insecurity stems from not having a lot of control over his early life, which is why it felt so gratifying to see him break free of his metaphorical chains to pursue his happiness without any doubts. He's a hard worker and is willing to accept criticism with open arms, not only for himself but for the people around him. Despite his traditional upbringing and nature, he's very receptive to change as long as it benefits both him and STARISH. He values the people he cares about more than anything, which is why he constantly strives to be a better version of himself every day, not only for himself but for the people around him.

Though his stoicism sometimes makes him seem plain or even "boring" to some people, he hides a warm, hidden passion within that's just as bright as everyone else's. Like the springtime bloom of cherry blossoms after winter, Masato shows his passion and love with no restraint to anyone who takes the time to understand him, and I can very much attest to this. I love him a lot and I hope to see more content of him, STARISH, and the others for more years to come.

NATSUKI SHINOMIYA

From uh....me:

HELLO I’m Z~ also known as the mod of the mikaze-discord/utapri-hcs tumblrs, as well as the organiser for the event! But enough about myself, let's talk about Natsuki Shinomiya.

When I first watched the anime as a youngin, I had already known about the games and their plots but had decided to try out the anime as well since I had nothing better to do.

Natsuki was actually one of my least favourite characters in the anime just because of how they presented him. I just...didn't care for him at all. He was just some random tall guy who loved hugs and almost murder…. Yeah.

I’m sure like most, I had a changing point. Originally, I was a Tokiya rper but...I was just unhappy with how my Tokiya was, I wasn't as experienced in rping with that server being my first rp server i was ever in. I didn't feel like I matched up with the others. I felt my Tokiya was just lacking something, substance maybe. Another person actually had a similar feeling and had changed their character from Camus to Syo and since we already had an Ai, I had just decided to go with the flow and complete the rest of the cute team. Best decision of my life. I’m so grateful for Natsuki and everything I associate him with. Without him, I probably wouldn't have made my tumblrs, I wouldn't have stayed in that server, I wouldn't have gone looking for other servers to rp in. I don't think I would be the same without Natsuki. I just find him so endearing now, he is just a lovable giant who happens to be able to be a disney princess. He is just so darn cute damn it. , just look at his Christmas card, his King card, quite literally just half his Shining live URs. Also, just like his songs just slap. Natsuki to me, is just serotonin. He gave me so many opportunities that I could have missed. I don't even think I would have started this love letter project without him if I’m being completely honest. I genuinely enjoyed all the memories I made as Natsuki. Thank you to Natsuki and to the Mikaze-discord for basically starting me off.

From Luke:

Natsuki was actually the very first character I encountered before I got into utapri. A friend showed a photo of him and told me that I'd probably be into this guy. She sure was right! After installing shining live for the first time and having a familiar face on the screen, I grew curious of him each day and just had to find out why was so attracted to him. The fact that I've seen him so many times in the past was haunting me, telling me that this man actually watched me grow up from a distance without even knowing his name. It sounds weird but I find it rather comforting for someone who doesn't want to be protected but isn't strong enough to defend myself alone.

The thought of having him there was enough to get me through the day and gave me enough reason to wake up to the next. I admit I may have adapted some of his habits after looking after his account for a year but that isn't a bad thing if it means that it would turn me into a much better person than I am now. I guess you could say we've grown together now in a sense, preserving the feelings and just living through the moment no matter how happy or sad it is. What's important is that we're not alone in all things we do and in everything we feel, there will always be someone there to keep us moving when we feel like giving up.

[batarella]

I Don’t Hate You - Part 8 (Jason Todd x Reader)

we’ve come to the point where 4.2k words is considered short for this series. we love character development.

WORDS: 4202 WARNINGS: I smiled like I just smoked a blunt while writing this do I even have to say it

Masterlist

I DON’T HATE YOU - MASTERLIST

-----

Light and darkness can be the most shallow, categorical means to describe a human being, one whose ways were never to their fault, never to their choosing, when an upbringing has caused either optimistic or cynical perceptions on the simplest things like the weather. Calling them someone who embodies ‘light’ would bring their minds up so high in the sky that they’ll end up believing they will forever be too bright to corrupt or hurt another. That is almost never the case. With the lack of perfection with just about anyone, everyone is capable of hurt. Everyone can be capable of selfishness. It all boils down to their will, if they want to hurt that somebody. But capabilities can never be assured. Even just the thought of a corrupted act is evidence enough that one person is never just light.

And darkness? All the more is it so limiting, so detrimental to how one would end up perceiving themselves, to be labeled as something the world will never be in favor of, to cause such a belief that they are never desired, never to bring happiness, never to come up to someone’s life and possibly make it better. For them to think they will never amount to being a star so bright that another’s eyes would lovingly gleam at the sight of them. For them to be convinced that they are a shadow, undesired, a bundle of emotions that have long been thought of as unwanted, unhealthy even.

The world has always been cruel, creating such labels so human beings would be drawn to those of either the same or opposite types. Types that shouldn’t make sense when just because one might see themselves in another, it ends up leading to the idea that a person is a mere idea. That they are a sort. Something to either want or avoid. Never something so deep that a common belief prevents you to finding out the depths of a person.

Love has never been about light or darkness. It has always been about depth. And depth can be infinite. Just like how love is an infinite spectrum. It was never about opposites. It was never about types. It was never about the surface.

Jason Todd was known to be a brood, never the one you could easily approach. Never the one to approach anyone. On good days, he would be seen laughing with his friends, raising his hand in class and have a great sense of humor that anyone can be charmed with. But those days can be counted. Most days, on days when he came to class with bruises all over his face, a hood over his head, scowling at anyone who dared to look at him twice. When someone would come up to them and he wouldn’t do so much as respond. Those days were plentiful.

The days that have cemented himself as a guy to watch out for, a guy to be feared, a guy no one wants to mess with, were those when someone would get on his already irritated nerves. Those days, he used his strength, his fight, to hurt other people more than they should be, beating them further to the ground even when they were already down. Fights were normal in high school. It was always something to expect. And it most commonly ends up with a day’s detention or even just a warning. But with Jason Todd? More often than not, he’d come out unscathed, and the other guy would end up in the hospital. Those days were the ones he was least proud of.

You, Y/FN, were troubled, harsh, often so angry, and spoke everything as truthfully as your mind would let you. You do not hesitate to hurt back, often even hurt first. You never let anyone talk to you the wrong way. You were strong enough to fight back at the world when it wasn’t often so decent to you. You can almost never be told what to do. Any threat thrown at your direction, you will tear it apart with you bare hands before life will have any other say on it.

But it went far beyond to just being defensive against cruelties. You’ve hurt so many with just your words, caused so much tears, shed bucketsful of blood. So many times, you’ve taken advantage of other people’s kindness and end up being so selfish as to only work for your own gain. You mostly ever thought about yourself. You never cared about what other’s thought, about what other’s felt. You’ve instilled so much fear onto so many people.

Some would say you and Jason would only amplify each other’s rage, each other’s blackness, each other’s cynicism. Some would say you were damn right perfect for each other.

But, with love being an infinite spectrum, it’s no longer about being perfect for someone, is it?

Nobody is ever really perfect for anybody. Rough patches will be inevitable. Personalities will most often clash than not.

But whoever that person is, whatever label they may possess or how the world puts them in a tagged box, if they end up being the one you share your brightest smile with, your noisiest laughter, your genuine happiness, then what is the world to stop you?

How could the boy whose eyes were most often hidden by the shadows look at you the way he was now? Peering in from the thin space between two books on a bookshelf, one you were just about to fill in with another one from the cart. He was smiling at you, knowing you caught his eye, too. And with the yellow light seeping through the shelves so perfectly resting on the details of his face, you stopped yourself from freezing and placed the book onto its place.

Then you pushed the cart, your eyes darting to the ground when your face had gone too flushed, but you couldn’t help but look back into the spaces between the bounded, dusty books. He kept your pace, never tearing his eyes away from you even when he could only see so much. You could see dust particles float about just from concentrating too much on him. You placed another book, then he moved to the space next to it. You bit your lower lip and kept going.

He’s been at this all day. Following you in silence, glancing at you when he noticed you following him as well.

Even from the other side of the shelf, you could see that shine in his eyes, the shine not everyone had the privilege to witness.

Then when you’ve reached the end, when your corners met and your eyes followed from just each other’s eyes to each other’s whole, he faced you, and you shyly tried to look away, but that day, the day after that day¸ he’s been following you around like a lost puppy and you have been doing much the same to him.

It was the best feeling, even in silence, when Jason sat across from you, still giving you that same look he’s always had, yet no longer looking away when you caught him, when his touches felt so much warmer, when his voice just a tad bit softer. When you only ever looked at him in admiration, when you looked further out to protect him, when you stole touches whether or not he noticed. It was basically the same, but also entirely different.

Love has never been kind to you. Never been kind to him. You’ve only had your parents and a few friends, yet you couldn’t remember the last time they’ve held you just because they wanted to, or that they longed for your presence when you weren’t in the room, when they constantly thought of you and your happiness. The people you loved have only ever done so much to love you back. And you, understandably, didn’t always love so hard as a person should and could.

Jason has had a girl or two that he liked, created the blossoms of an early relationship with without much thought on commitment, but that was only within the past two years when he got back to school and somehow maybe even before he dropped out after 5th grade. It was hard when on the prime ages of his teens, he’s had to think more about what he eats for the night than whether or not a girl likes him back. So at this age, no, he didn’t have much experience. You were definitely a first.

A wonderful first.

But that also meant he hadn’t a speck of an idea what to do to move forward.

Penny sat across from you, and you ate like the food in front of you in a dirty, grease filled tray was an actual decent meal. You didn’t notice your friend was smiling while watching you eat, like what you did was so amusing to look at.

“What?” you asked, still with food in your mouth.

“Something happened,” she poked you. “Didn’t it?”

You rolled your eyes and shoved your fork into your mouth.

“Tell me.” Penny put her chin on her hands and tilted her head while grinning at you. “Pleeease.”

“No.”

“You seem happy today, and yesterday, and the day before that-“

“I’m not- just eat your food.”

“Did you kiss?” she giggled.

“Stop giggling.” You ate two spoonful’s, then with your head craned down, you smiled. “Yeah…”

“EEEEEEEEEEE-“

“PENNY.”

“I can't believe it. You two kissed,” she held her hands together and looked up at the ceiling. “Was it romantic? Or awkward? Tell me what happened!”

You’ve never actually told anyone at all. You didn’t feel the need to. But something so warm at the pit of your stomach made you want to coo and daze yourself all over him like a fucking crackhead.

Whatever.

“We were at a playground. He asked me to sing. Then he just… kissed me…”

You were smiling at your food like it was the best damn thing in the world. It was only mashed potatoes and a chicken drumstick. You were a crackhead.

“How was it?” Penny asked.

Your own smile kept getting bigger as you remembered that moment. The most perfect moment. “It went on for like… forever, but at the same time it ended way too soon. It wasn’t weird at all…”

“Look at him,” Penny was looking at Jason eating from his own tray of potatoes. “He’s so cute.”

“Stop. Looking at him,” you demanded.

“I’m just so happy for you,” she smiled. “What happened next? Did you go out again? It’s been three days!”

“Well,” you licked your lips. “Uhm…”

“What?”

“After that night, he dropped me off, then I texted him to say thank you and he was all like ‘you're welcome’ and then the subject changed before we fell asleep. Then we texted basically about anything in class before going to work at the library, then-“

“Wait,” Penny stopped you.

“Are you telling me you’re not dating yet?”

Your lips were between your teeth. Your eyes were all over the place but on your friend’s.

“Define dating…”

She leaned closer. “Did you get to talk about how much you liked each other and that you wanted to be together?”

Shoving a forkful of chicken into your mouth, chewing it ever so slowly, then swallowing, you murmured. “No…”

“Did you guys even talk about your kiss?”

You wanted to sink into the ground. “No…”

“Oh my god.”

“Penny-“

“This is both your faults.”

“Penny-“

“Talk to him, Y/N-“

“PENNY-“

“I’m serious! How is anything gonna happen when you're both too shy to do anything?”

“Don’t EVER call me shy. It’s demeaning.”

“Okay…” she slumped to her seat, her mouth pouting like a child as she stared at her food. “I’m not hungry anymore.”

“Don’t be a fucking baby.”

You ate your food and kept your eyes downcast. You didn’t have to rush, right? You didn’t have to talk about it right away? You’ve never been happier the past three days. Why should you change anything?

“Hi.”

You, with your mouthful of food, and your friend still pouting, looked up at the deep voice that stood over your table.

Jason’s smile at you made your stomach churn like a washing machine.

Penny almost dropped her food, then her mouth. She looked at you, then at Jason, then silently giggled at how you two had lingering gazes at each other longer than any two sane people would.

“Mind if I join you guys?”

“SIT HERE!” Penny cried out, standing up from her seat and taking out her tray.

“Oh, I can totally just sit over th-“

“THIS SEAT’S BETTER.”

“But you haven’t finished your food-“

“I’M ON A DIET.”

You wanted to bury your face into your bag and hope you’d suffocate yourself and die.

Penny practically sprinted out from the table, glancing back at you, catching your piercing glare, and gave you a huge thumbs up with both hands before running out of the cafeteria. Just before the doors closed, you heard her high-pitched giggles.

Kill me now.

Jason cleared his throat, then took Penny’s seat right across from you.

The moment you looked up and met his eyes, your glower faded in an instant and your mouth defied your thoughts and curved up. You picked on your food, trying your best not to stare at him too much. But there he was again with his eyes. He barely touched his food.

He was nervous, too. You could tell. Biting his lip.

You could handle the silence. Silence didn’t always have to be awkward. You’ve never done this before. He never did either. And too much all at once would be far too much. So just this time, with him, you’ll take all the time in the world.

Jason chewed on his food, looking up at you every so often.

Then you saw his one hand reach over to your side of the table, doing nothing but just lay there untouched. You looked up, fighting your grin.

Okay, maybe you could take another teensy little step.

You reached out your own hand, so slowly, he never would’ve noticed it if he wasn’t looking from his side eye. You laid it just an inch away from his. You pretended to focus on your food and ate.

He did the same, eating in silence with you with just one hand holding a fork. His jaw clenched the same way it often did when he chewed. Silence. More silence. But you were smiling from ear to ear.

Without glancing up, you felt his pinky brush against your thumb.

You had to bite into your lips to not look like an idiot.

His touch was so slight and beautifully delicate, yet with each miniscule movement, you could feel the buzzing warmth, down to your palm, then to your arm. It wasn’t something overwhelming, or even electric. It was just… warm. Fuzzy. Comfortable. He knew you were smiling, but he continued to eat and grin so secretly, it was annoying.

Even more of his warmth raced to your chest when his leg grazed against yours under the table. You didn’t even try to hide your smile anymore, but you knew if you looked up and catch his eye, you wouldn’t be able to take any more of this warmth and fuzziness.

You inched your hand closer, too close until his pinky and ring finger were on top of your hand. His leg kept touching yours. Your heart felt like jumping out a ten story building. You were an idiot. Such an idiot.

But you actually liked being an idiot at that moment.

At that point, neither of you moved. And just like the kiss, it lasted forever, but ended far too soon.

For days, it was like that. Silence. Comfortable silence. No talks beyond what was on the surface, or anything about feelings or anything to move forward. As much as you’d love for it to go past this, you just enjoyed the moment.

It will come. Soon. For once, you felt secure.

Jason made you feel secure.

Back at the manor, he could only ever think about you when you weren’t texting. He was just nervous. And scared. Not of you. But of himself. He could mess up and lose you. Losing you wouldn’t be so easy to undo. He stepped on the right track with that kiss, as much of a risk it already was, he really didn’t want to mess up the next move.

You were an entire maze to him. So mesmerizing and so prone to get lost in. Difficult to understand. Not at all easy. But that’s what made you so beautiful. That’s what drew him in the first place. And like a maze, when he finishes, fuck, will it be rewarding.

With his suit on, sitting at the computers with his legs up on the keys, he fiddled with his phone, thinking of what to say to you to make you laugh.

“Robin,” Batman said to him as he put on his cowl. “Ready to go?”

“Yeah. Just hold on.”

He thought a meme would just cover it. He sent it to you and hoped for the best.

“So who is she?”

“What?” he choked, putting his phone face down.

“The girl you’re always with. Who is she?”

“I have no idea who you're talking about.”

“You expect me to believe you stay in school all the way until 6 pm at night, visit an abandoned house far away from the city, and hang out at a playground in the middle of the night all by yourself?”

“How did you- you placed a tracker in my phone, didn’t you?”

“Answer me, Jason. Who is she and are you going to bring her here in the manor anytime soon?”

He fell face down onto the computer keys. “I like you better when you’re Batman and not an absolute dad.”

“Well, I technically am your father, which means I would like to meet your nice girlfriend and invite her over to dinner-“

“She’s not even my girlfriend yet!” he coughed. “Sorta…”

“Then why don’t you ask me, Dick, or Alfred on how to get a girl to-“

“Bruce, I am NOT having this conversation with you.”

“Alright. Alright. Then you can put your phone down or else I go on patrol on my own. You can take your bike.”

Batman went into his batmobile and drove out of the cave. Jason laid on the rotating chair, facing the ceiling.

His girlfriend. You. He’ll have to take that in before he goes to sleep at night.

A tongue suddenly started licking his fingers. Jason looked down. Ace was on the ground, looking at him with the widest eyes.

“I’d rather talk to you, Ace.” He patted his head. “What do I say to her?”

He showed the dog his phone, which had your reply. Ace looked at the screen, then at Jason, then proceeded to lick his ass.

“Nice. Could always count on you, boy.”

Alfred took the liberty of placing his domino mask on his face while he continued to text you for several more minutes.

“I really like her, you know,” Jason told the dog, who was now lying on the ground asleep. “I hope I don’t mess up.”

Ace’s back heaved steadily in his slumber.

“You don’t think I can mess this up? You're too kind.”

Several minutes passed. Jason told you he needed to do some homework for the night, and to text him if you needed anything. He placed the phone on the table and fixed his mask, standing up. The dog followed him.

Ace watched him get onto his bike, pulling down his helmet. He sat down, panting like he was smiling.

“You think I’m in love with her?” Jason scoffed and snorted. “No…”

And as if the dog understood, he stopped smiling and whined.

Jason laughed at the dog, then at himself. With a bright smirk looking down at the ground, feeling his heart race at the thought of you wishing him safe before patrol, he drove out of the cave.

Yeah. This was eventually going to have to change.

The end was so close and near.

Now, you were at the library. Tomorrow, at 4:30 in the afternoon, it will be you and Jason’s very last day being library assistants. The last day of the one thing that excused both of you to see each other as if you were forced to. The one reason you could always rely on to hang out with each other without it being weird.

At that point, you’ve grown to be fond of the old book covers, grown to take the time to admire the old classics that Jason lingered on often. You no longer complained having to shelf the same books over and over. You no longer dreaded writing dates by hand. You’ve grown to love your work.

Even if everything else progresses, you were going to miss it here. Even Ms. Peterson.

The old woman was silent on her computer. And even when it was almost 4:30, you still took your sweet time at the shelves. Jason had his own cart to take care of at the shelf beside you. You looked up at him, smiling. This view. Of him glancing at the pages before putting them on the shelves. This was definitely what you’ll miss the most.

Jason looked back at you and returned your smile. Jeez, your heart.

You bit your lip and looked down.

You took out the very first Edgar Allan Poe collection book that belonged to the library, the one you never asked to borrow from Ms. P, and ran your hand over the cover.

A long dead, emo writer ended up pulling two people together the way he never meant to. He was probably looking down at both of you all confused, since he wrote about the most depressing themes that almost never ended in a good way. But he ended up mending a story so beautiful, you couldn’t help but thank him.

You had another book of his at home, anyway. So with a longing brush of your palm over the cover, you placed it back onto the shelf where it belonged.

“Y/N!”

A group of three girls. One of them was the one who handed you a flyer the other day and you ended up shoving it down her bra.

“We’re the party planning committee, and you know the Winter Wonderland Ball is coming up, right?”

You squinted your eyes at them.

“And we also know that you are a very good singer-“

“No.” You went back to shelving the books.

“Please!” she begged you. “Our last singer had a throat infection just today and he had the audacity to tell us just now.”

“No.”

“Come on! Please! You are an amazing singer.”

“I know,” you smirked. “But I’m not gonna do it.”

“The ball is two days away! Please! Just one song!” She was on her knees now. “I can't lose this job and I need this on my resume for college! We promised a live band!”

You rolled your eyes and turned back over to your shelf.

Jason was looking at you. Straight at you. He heard everything and you just knew he wasn’t going to let you hear the end of it.

You sighed and looked back at him.

His smile just melted every block of ice inside you. You loved that smile. You wanted to see it every day. And you did, technically. But like this, silently telling you to push yourself, be your best version.

And the thought of him seeing you on stage, you seeing him in the crowd and having that flutter in your chest that hadn’t gone away since that night at the playground.

God, you were an actual, undeniable, enormous crackhead for giving in to him.

You turned to the girls and shrugged. “Fine.”

You flinched when they shrieked. The girl who begged you held your shoulder. “THANK YOU-“

“Neeeever touch me,” you growled, glaring at her. She backed away, still with a smile, then the group ran out of the library before you’d possibly change your mind.

Placing the last book onto the shelf, you felt proud of yourself. With a deep sigh, you walked over to the tables and grabbed your bag. Jason came up from behind you.

“I can't wait,” he grinned while swinging his bag over his back. You licked your teeth and rolled your eyes at him. “Shut up.”

“Really.”

He took a step nearer to you, looking straight into your eyes with that same smile that drove you nuts. “You’re gonna do amazing.”

You shook your head and you both started walking out into the hallway.

“Can I take you home?”

Your eyes were locked on the ground, then you covered your lips with your scarf when you stepped out into the cold. “Sure.”

Holding him on his motorcycle, you laid your head against his back, circled your arms around him tighter than you usually do.

Love is infinite. Love is depth.

Jason is both.

-----

I DON’T HATE YOU - MASTERLIST

-----

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[an-ambivalent]

The Devil’s Smile

WARNING:  This post contains yandere themes and mentions of other toxic behaviours that can be triggering and uncomfortable to read. So, read at your own risk. This work is purely fiction. I do not condone this behaviour irl.

Fandom: Mystic Messenger 

Pairing: Female reader-insert     |  Word Count: 3K

Status: One-shot, requested, Royal AU. 

King Jihyun was known to be a wise, empathetic, and caring leader. He may not be the most powerful, but he certainly had the potential to be an excellent leader. The future was bright for him until he was engaged to Princess Rika from a neighbouring kingdom. She had not only deceived him about her royal status, but had also duped the actual princess who was meant to be his fiancee. Before they were even wedded, she had stripped Jihyun’s dignity  away from him and his humanity. She left him completely  blind  in his left eye, manipulated him mentally and inflicted psychological abuse that may never heal. She also ended some of the most essential treaties that were beneficial to his Kingdom. To say that she left him as a broken shell was an understatement. 

To compensate for Rika’s crimes since she was an inhabitant of your kingdom, and you were the original princess that Jihyun was supposed to marry, your father gave you no choice but to become Jihyun’s wife. It was an uncomfortable atmosphere and unpleasant. Before you were married, you were never even given the chance to meet Jihyun who you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with. Outside of your family, his, and some other important people close to Jihyun and your father who were both Kings, no one even knew this marriage took place. 

You were basically handed to him for something that Rika did. You had become a secret wife, and the country you became the Queen of, did not know of your existence, much less that their King was married. In their eyes, he was a bachelor that they had the chance to pawn. And people of your birth Kingdom suddenly had their Princess disappear. They were given no explanation and your own father did not instigate a search for you even as a facade. 

The start of your marriage with Jihyun was a cold one. Fortunately, no one demeaned or abused you. However, no one talked to you either. You were isolated. On your wedding night, your husband had not even shared the bed with you. He never tried to visit you, share any meals with you, or ask how you may have been coping. The maids that were assigned to you did their work precisely and professionally; however, they never made eye contact with you or initiated anything humorous. They spoke the minimum they needed to speak to do their jobs and that was it. The worst of all, no one addressed you as the Queen. This made it evident that they did not recognise you as their queen. In their eyes, you could be another Rika who was only going to harm their King. So to prevent you from reaching her greed level, they made sure to let you know of your place: despite your marriage, you were seen as the Princess of your Kingdom, not recognised as the Queen of theirs. 

It was a lonely life, but you did your best to not let it get to you. You told yourself that you were privileged and happier than many because there was nothing expected of you. Everything was provided for you, you did not need to talk to anyone or do anything for anyone. The serenity of just your own company was preferred over the draining life you lived back home where your parents always expected too much for you. You now had all the time in the world to: read the books you wanted to read but were not allowed to because they were not academics and paint to your heart’s content and write poetry related to your paintings. You always had to do this secretly because if your parents had found out about it, there would have been severe consequences. Now, you did not have to hide it because no one cared enough about what you did to tell you off for it. 

Jihyun’s interest in you started on the fateful day when he was going to approach you for the first time because he needed to discuss official business. You were in the garden that was within the Queen’s palace. This garden had been cultivated and cared for over many generations for the Kingdom’s Queens. You were sitting underneath the shade of the humongous tree, and the painting you had done of the lake and the lotuses in that lake in front of you, you were trying to write a poem for it. There were bits of paint smeared on your face and fingers from the colours you had used. When he visited you, Jihyun was led to the Queen’s garden where he saw this sight of you. From the one eye that he could see out of, you were enchantingly beautiful. You looked at peace and completely indulged in the art you were creating. But at the same time, there was an aura of melancholy around you. It seemed like whatever you were creating, it was going to be a reflection of that. 

You appeared to be so secluded, alone, just you and your art lost in your own world -- the sight of it reminded him of his mother. He recalled how she spent almost her entire time in this garden with him because when she had been married to his father, he did not have an ounce of love to spare for her. So she used to spend most of her time here in order to keep herself out of his sight. Jihyun had promised himself that would never be the case for him. But gazing at you in that moment, he realised that the very things he hated about his parents' relationship, were mirrored in his own marriage. 

Jihyun approached you and you were too focused on your work to notice him. So, he used this as a chance to look over your shoulder at what you had painted. The gentle strokes of the water paint, and the softness in your artwork mesmerised him. Without his knowledge, he found himself getting closer to you, and leaning over your sitting form to get a closer look. When his knee brushed against your back, you were snapped out of your thoughts and your shoulders tensed in nervousness. The touch was too sudden, and since you always had to keep your love for art a secret, there was that sudden fear that it was your parents who had caught you and were now going to punish you. 

You whipped around alarmingly, and hid your art pad behind your back. There was panic in your eyes, and your voice was oddly high pitched. 

“It’s not what you saw, I swear--” You exclaimed. Then, you stopped and your eyes widened when you saw Jihyun peering down at you. Your fear stayed. However, the reason behind it was now different. 

“Y-Your Majesty,” You stammered, and instantly stood up, before you bowed to greet him. 

The look of fear when you were caught, and then flicker of confusion of seeing him instead of whoever you expected, and then fear reappearing in your eyes when you had recognised him for who he was, caused a strange tightness in Jihyun’s chest. When he initially chose to keep his distance from you, it was not because he wanted you to be scared of him. 

Jihyun let out a nervous laugh. 

“Please raise yourself, Queen. It is not a good look for the Queen to bow before her King just for a greeting.” 

His words caused a shiver to run down your spine. What he said was odd because for the time you had been married, this was the first time he was ever speaking with you and already, he wanted to brush aside the formality that could have covered your discomfort. Furthermore, his words had implied a relationship between you two when outside of the legal documents binding you, there was none, which made this feel even more strange. 

Nonetheless, you did what you were told and stood up to your full height. 

“I didn't mean to disrupt you. I wasn’t aware you were fond of artistic endeavours.” He noted lightly. 

You gave him a strained smile and clutched your art pad tighter behind your back. “Um, it’s just a useless hobby, nothing to be concerned with, I promise. Was there anything I can assist you with?” 

Jihyun frowned at your obvious choice to shut down the conversation he was trying to initiate. It was hurtful and even more so, disappointing that you deemed it an “useless hobby.” But for now, he decided to not push it and discuss the subject he was required to discuss. 

The contents of it was embarrassing and it caused his cheeks to redden a bit. This caused you to raise an eyebrow, as he began to speak about it. 

“You see…” 

                                                        ********

You weren’t sure what to think of the sudden changes in your life. The start of it had begun when Jihyun had discussed the “official business” with you. Then, it developed from the abrupt shift in his personality. 

He went from barely acknowledging your existence, and never making any effort on his part to do the minimum that a husband should do for a marriage to work, to suddenly shoving himself in almost all aspects of your life. Before, you ate your meals at the convenience of your own schedule for that day. Now, you were required to have three meals at a specific time because he had decided that you two should start eating together. It went a step further when he decided you two should be spending more time together too. He had your butler redo your plans for the day to accommodate it to his needs without consulting you. You may have decided that you wanted to spend two hours of your evening at the library. But when it came down to it on that day, your butler would inform you that you could not do that because you were expected to meet his majesty for the boat ride he had ordered to be scheduled. 

Each time you were forced into spending time with Jihyun without your own choice, he coerced you into conversations. He attempted to get you to participate willingly by bringing up your passion for art and his own love for art. However, your art was such a personal and secret subject for you due to the fear of it being discovered during your upbringing, it was the last thing you wanted to talk about. Jihyun was not supposed to even find out about it. The only reason you started to paint and create out in the open here without much caution was because of the comfort you found in the certainty that no one cared about what you did. It had always been your secret escape, and it was supposed to stay that way. Had you known that the discovery of it would lead to such an immediate invasion of your privacy, and your entire life changing, you would have never pursued creating your art out in the open. 

You found it even more uncomfortable when during one of your “times” together, he would start to talk about the toxicity of his parents' relationships, how he did not want to be like his father, and about what Rika did to him. He talked about how after such traumatising experiences, he realised that his mother was the only one who ever truly loved him, and the fact that you reminded him of his mother. He mentioned how your love for art resembled hers, and the fact that you had been spending your time in the garden like she did. 

Jihyun promised you that you would not have to do that anymore because from now on, he would love you and not neglect you the way his father neglected his mother. Hearing such promises left you flabbergasted. This was because even though your relationship with your own parents was not the healthiest, you had enough common sense to know that love did not happen out of some fickle promises. Love took time, dedication, hard work, and both parties needed to contribute to it equally. 

You felt bad for Jihyun and everything he went through, you truly did. However, the way he talked about things always left a sour taste in your mouth. He continuously ranted about the lack of responsibility in your kingdom which led to what Rika did to him. He did not understand that her actions were her own choice. Then, he would begin to talk about his mother again, how she was the only one who loved him, and constantly implied that you were like her. This made you feel like he was pressuring you to feel guilty for Rika’s actions as your own, and return his efforts of affection and love him unconditionally like his mother may have loved him. 

It was unrealistic because he was the one who refused to acknowledge your existence and suddenly wanted to play the happy family. Due to his lack of care in the first two years of your marriage, whatever he was trying to coax you into now, was not working. You felt no affection for him. 

You decided you would bring it up during dinner, which was going to be your next shared meal and time together. 

The dinner was set in the small dining room in the Queen’s palace. Like always, there were many different types of dishes set for you two to eat. Sitting from across you, Jihyun was smiling at you as you settled in your chair and brought it closer to the table. 

“You look beautiful tonight,” he greeted. You gave him a strained smile in response and said nothing. You focused your attention onto your food and picked up your utensils. You wanted to start eating and avoid unnecessary conversation that would just make Jihyun more unbearable to you. 

As you started to eat, Jihyun stayed still, and his turquoise eyes were fixated on you. 

“I was thinking that since we never got the opportunity to go on a getaway after our wedding, we could plan one now,” he spoke. While doing so, he watched you with calculating eyes and closely observed your every move: from the way you froze to how your eyebrows knitted together. 

Your stomach churned, and whatever food you had eaten so far, you felt like vomiting it back out. However, supposedly, you decided that now was a better time than any to let him know how you truly felt. 

“Uh, may I provide an opinion?” You enquired awkwardly. 

Jihyun smiled slightly. “Of course.”

“Thanks…. I, I-I was married to you and I promised that whatever royal obligations came with that, I will fulfill them. So, in regards to the official business you spoke to me about, I-I will help you conceive an heir.” 

Jihyun’s eyes widened. He opened his mouth to respond, but you shook your head to indicate that you were not finished speaking. Now, you just had to say the hard part. The anxiety that came with having to say it, made your mouth feel dry. You were suddenly very aware of the heaviness of your own tongue, and this worsened how you were feeling. More than ever, you wanted to reach out and gulp down the entire glass of wine that was next to you. However, you refrained yourself from doing so, and willed yourself to continue with what you wanted to say. 

“B-But I don’t want to go on any honeymoon or anything, now, of all times. You didn’t care at the start, and I don’t like the way you’re suddenly pretending to care now because you don’t want to turn out like your father. That is your issue, please don’t involve me with it. I don’t like how you have started to suddenly shove yourself in my life now and change everything without even speaking to me about it. I appreciate the effort you have put in so far, I really do, but after everything that’s already been done, you can’t expect me to think that you genuinely care for me so unexpectedly. You also can’t expect me to suddenly love you just because you’ve decided now that you’re going to be better and do what you should have done from the start.” 

Your mouth-full explanation had caused an unanticipated silence to engulf the dinner atmosphere. Your heart was beating too loudly in your ears and was hammering too forcefully against your chest. You gulped and carefully watched Jihyun for his reaction. 

His usual calm expression was evident on his face; however, there was something different about it. His usual calm expression was almost serene. But this one, in this one, there seemed to be something eerie and dark supporting it. 

Jihyun took a sip from his wine and once he was done, he settled the glass back onto the table next to his food. Then, he gave you a smile that was a little too wide. 

“I understand.” He said simply. 

You weren’t completely convinced, so you continued to observe him for a few seconds. When he said nothing else, and started to eat his dinner, you shrugged. Finally, after getting the ordeal done and over with, you reached for your own wine glass and brought it to your lips to quench the much needed sensation of thirst. As you took the first few sips of it, you could not help but notice that it tasted oddly sweet. 

After drinking a good amount of it until your mouth did not feel dry as a desert, you settled your glass back onto the table. You returned to your food and took a few bites. While chewing on some of the salad, you glanced at Jihyun to observe him again. You were surprised to notice that he was watching you with an intense gaze, and his smile was still a bit too suspiciously sweet. 

You parted your lips to speak, but before any words were spoken, black spots invaded your vision. You found yourself becoming dizzy and quickly losing consciousness. Your eyes rolled at the back of your head, and just before you could fall on the floor, your butler caught you. 

In your last few moments as you lost consciousness, all you saw was Jihyun smiling at you, and saying, “I understand. I understand that I can’t expect you to be a good wife to me, so I will need to teach you instead.” 

[hjbender]

Hi it's that Donald Blake au anon, and I agree I don't like Donald in general it's weird and sometimes in the comics he has a stick that he's always holding onto then he bangs it and somehow becomes Thor, idk. But the au is something that really interested me cuz it has so much potential, like is Thor an Avenger in this au, does he have to wait til Loki is not looking to go and save the world? Or is he not worthy yet and somehow choosing to reveal himself to Loki the real way to be worthy?

OH HAI AGAIN, ANON. THANK YOU FOR RETURNING

Yeah, I’m kind of glad the writers and directors decided to leave out the whole “mild-mannered human alias” from the Thor franchise. Really, so many superheroes already have alter egos—Peter Parker is Spider-Man, Ryan Reynolds is Deadpool, literally every single one of the OG Avengers except Thor has another name—that for once it’s nice to just have Thor be Thor.

But as far as that brilliant idea you pitched, in the first couple drafts of my answer, I actually started to rewrite Thor (2011) to make your idea fit with canon. However, after getting stuck a couple times, I started thinking it might work better away from canon (specifically Earth 616), more like a true alternate universe, no Avengers or Thanos or anything. Or, to make things simpler, it could just be a Porn With Feelings deal where the story is driven by characters and drama (and, of course, porn).

For the PWP approach, Thor masquerades as an MD on Earth because he genuinely likes to help people and having a human form helps him escape detection, or possibly keep his powerful electromagnetic radiation field from harming humans. In any case, Loki is unaware of his brothers super-secret human identity.

Somehow Loki bites off more than he can chew or pisses off the wrong supervillain—it’s practically his hobby, isn’t it?—and ends up getting his ass beaten and thrown to Earth. Miraculously, Thor (as Don Blake) is there to help him, and Thor can’t risk getting his cover blown, so he just plays along while Loki regains use of his limbs and/or powers (a perfect opportunity for some hurt/comfort whump sickfic type tags). Thor brings Loki to his apartment until he can fully recover, and in that time, Loki finds himself bonding with this disabled and good-natured human man who reminds him so much of his brother… and thus begins the forbidden romance and angst-ridden relationship drama.

...okay, so the PWP setup actually has a lot more plot than your average smutfic. (But just think of all the opportunities for medical kink in this one. Like Loki pretending he feels hot and achy and insisting that Blake give him a thorough, private exam… on the kitchen table… with stethoscopes and tongue depressors and lots of poking and prodding and pelvic exams. Anyone? No? Just me?)

The actual canon setup is the one I tried (unsuccessfully) to write out, but here’s a bullet list of the basic plot (get comfortable, this gets kind of long):

After defeating the frost giants in Norway in 900-something, Odin secretly makes a deal with Laufey to raise Loki as his own son, then marry him off to Thor so they can establish everlasting peace with Jötunheim (just like Odin and Frigga did to stop the Æsir-Vanir war). Thor and Loki’s children will be heirs to both royal houses. Upon Thor’s ascension to the throne, Odin will then return the Casket of Ancient Winters to its rightful place, and Jötunheim will flourish again with Asgard as its protector/ally

Loki is a lot more autonomous and independent than his original cinematic depiction, traveling the realms to learn seiðr and be an ambassador (and cause mischief, naturally, but nothing that can’t be fixed or used to his advantage). He’s always held a secret torch for his brother but knows there’s little/no hope of it ever being reciprocated, thus he stays away from Asgard as much as possible

Thor loves and misses his brother (perhaps too much). Their parents would surely disapprove of their relationship, gods or not, and besides, Loki is too much of a free spirit, a wanderer, content with his own company. Asking anything more of him (like a grounded, committed relationship) is something Thor could never do

Loki returns to Asgard on the eve of Thor’s coronation with gifts and smiles, and Thor embraces him with deep affection. They almost confess their feelings to one another, but shy away at the last moment (damn!)

Meanwhile, Malekith the Accursed (comics version Malekith, who is a lot sexier and generally more interesting/diabolical than his MCU counterpart) doesn’t like that Laufey is planning to make peace with Asgard and sever his alliance with Svartalfheim, and somehow breaks into the Vault on Thor’s coronation day just so he can frame Laufey and sour the arrangement with Odin

Odin decides not to act, sure that something else must be going on. Loki decides to take the intellectual route and do some investigating while Thor and his warrior companions sneak into Jötunheim to kick some ass

Thor accuses Laufey of wrongdoing, just as Malekith wanted, and almost incites a war with the frost giants. Odin banishes him to earth to live as a disabled human man until he can learn some humility

After much screaming at the sky and manly weeping, Thor finally accepts his fate and his new human identity

Enough time passes (months? A year?) that Thor eventually learns to be humble and considerate, helping other humans physically and emotionally in the medical field (I imagine him becoming an orderly at a local hospital since being a doctor requires years of education and money. Also, being thrown to Earth without a penny to his name will help Thor work through some of his entitlement and privilege issues. I headcanon he was aided by some good-hearted humans who were able to find employment for him and a place to stay, help him get on his feet, basically)

With Thor out of the way and the royal family torn apart, Malekith begins preparing for his attack on Asgard

Loki doesn’t know that Thor is trapped in a human form, only that he was banished and all contact forbidden. Loki is suspicious of the frost giants and goes to Jötunheim alone, where Laufey reveals everything to him—including Loki’s betrothal to Thor

Loki is stunned at first, unable to believe that the thing he’s wanted most was always meant to be his, and he hurriedly leaves Jötunheim

He tries to sneak to Midgard without using the Bifrost, but Malekith catches him en route and they fight. He throws a binding spell on Loki to render him powerless and then beats the living daylights out of him

Loki crash lands on Earth not far from where his brother was banished (he had been following the last known path from Asgard to Midgard), and is rendered temporarily powerless and amnesiac, not remembering anything about his fight with Malekith, Thor’s banishment, or why he was on his way to Midgard

Loki wakes up in a hospital bed with a kind human man looking after him. After an unsuccessful escape attempt, he settles in and finds himself comforted by Donald Blake’s presence. It’s… soothing, somehow familiar…(maybe it’s the drugs talking)

Thor instantly recognizes his brother but he cannot reveal himself, either because he’ll look insane/lose his job or maybe Odin made it so he’s unable to even speak the name “Thor” until he’s worthy again. In any case, Thor decides it won’t hurt to beat Loki at his own game just this once (Loki has played this prank on him more times than Thor can count). He ends up taking Loki back home with him once he’s discharged from the hospital

As his memories and powers slowly return, Loki is surprised that Blake listens to and believes everything he claims to be, and soon grows to trust and even like the man. He’s never really had a true friend before… except for his brother, Thor, of course. Blake reminds him so much of Thor…

While things gradually heat up between Loki and Blake-Thor, Malekith disguises himself as Loki (just as he did in the War of the Realms comic arc) and returns to Asgard. Odin and Frigga learn that Loki had indeed traveled to Jötunheim and confront their “son” about what he might have learned there

Not knowing it’s actually Malekith they are speaking to, they reveal the truth about Loki’s parentage and upbringing, and the reasons for his betrothal. Malekith is shocked, then amused at his good fortune. He decides to use this information to his own advantage

Malekith plots to bring Thor back to Asgard and insist that they be married at once. Thor will be crowned king, and when Thor finishes swearing his oaths, Malekith will steal Gungnir and kill Thor with it (and the entire royal family of Asgard). He will then steal the Casket of Ancient Winters, return to Jötunheim, kill Laufey and all the rest of his clan, and then head to Midgard to finish off the last of that bloodline: Loki. Then, with the power of Gungnir, Mjölnir, and the Casket of Ancient Winters, nothing will be able to stop him from bringing war and chaos to the Nine Realms

My brain is smoking and on its last cylinder right now, and I know this post is already decades long, so I’m gonna cheat and skip the whole part where Thor and Loki somehow learn about Malekith’s plot (maybe the Warriors Four come to Earth to warn them), and Thor becomes worthy again, revealing himself to a stunned Loki, and they all go flying back to Asgard, beat Malekith in an epic battle, and save the day

Once the dust has cleared, Thor is crowned king to an audience of Æsir and Jötnar, followed immediately by his and Loki’s wedding. Everyone cheers, Volstagg weeps and uses Fandral as a handkerchief, and Malekith gets a tiny slice of the wedding cake down in the dungeons

The end 🍰

[reallifesultanas]

Portrait of Murad III / III. Murád portréja

Origin and upbringing

Murad was born in 1546, as the son of later Selim II and his favorite concubine, Nurbanu. He was the youngest child of the couple, Murad already had three sisters at birth, Şah, Gevherhan and Esmehan. He spent his childhood in his father's current princely province in relative peace. He had a close relationship with both his parents and as their only son, he was the apple of their eyes. This was especially true of his mother, Nurbanu, who kept her son under close watch.

Like Murad’s father and grandfather, he also loved arts, he loved to read, which most probably was also characteristic when he was a child. Because of this, he was probably a retreating prince who drew attention to himself with his mind rather than his warrior nature. His circumcision ceremony was held in 1557, and the following year Suleiman decided to appoint his barely 12-year-old grandson to his first princely position in Akşehir. According to tradition, Nurbanu accompanied him to the province and tried to help him with the reign. In general, the princes were given their first own province a little later, so certainly the new situation caused quite a lot of difficulty for the young Murad. However, his teacher and mother supported him in everything, so he deftly stood his ground.

The first ordeal

Murad's rather peaceful childhood was soon a distant memory, as his uncle, Prince Bayezid, recruited an army in 1559, and marched to Konya with his sole purpose, to kill Prince Selim and Murad. Murad, as the governor of Akşehir, had at his disposal the army of the province, with which, following his father's order, he immediately set out for Konya to support his father. At just 13, Murad took part in the first battle of his life, but certainly not from the battlefield he followed the events. After two days of strained fighting, Selim and Murad’s troops finally came out victorious, thanks to support sent by the sultan. However, Prince Bayezid fled, so Selim, Murad, and Sokollu Mehmed Pasha persecuted the rebellious prince for months.

However, Prince Bayezid successfully crossed the Persian border, which filled everyone in the empire with terror. Murad and his father could not leave the Persian border for months. Eventually, then, Suleiman and the Persian Shah began to do negotiations, so that Murad could return home to his mother in Akşehir. Then in 1562 Bayezid and his sons were handed over by the Persian Shah to the men of Selim and they were executed. From here, there were no obstacles to Selim and Murad, their succession to the throne was assured.

The crown-prince

As Selim's only son, it was actually clear that Murad would be the future sultan, so his prestige was greatly elevated. Maybe it was thanks to this, that he got a gift that changed his whole life. Probably shortly after the execution of Bayezid, or around that period, 1562, Murad received a concubine as a gift from his cousin, Hümaşah Sultan. The concubine was very pretty and intelligent and immediately became Murad’s favorite, probably his first ever consort. Shortly after their acquaintance, their first child was born, a girl who was named Hümaşah after Murad’s cousin. She was followed in May 1566 by Prince Mehmed. This year Sultan Suleiman died and Murad's father, Selim, became the new sultan.

During Selim's reign, Murad lived in Manisa, managing his province. The main change from Suleiman's reign was that his mother left Murad alone to be with Selim in Istanbul. In Murad's life, Safiye, his favorite concubine, became the number one support and companion from then on. From their relationship soon another son, Mahmud, was born in 1569 and was followed by two daughters, Ayşe and Fatma. Murad was basically loyal to Safiye and lived in a monogamous relationship with her, but at least one case occurred when he produced a child for another woman. For in 1567 he had a son, Selim born to an anonymous concubine. The concubine was a girl raised by a very influential harem servant, Raziye Hatun, but although she was the mother of a prince, she had no privileges, nor could she approach Safiye’s position. By the way, Raziye Hatun was very close to Murad himself, maybe that's why the prince accepted her gift despite his love and monogamy toward Safiye.

In his princely province, Murad formed his own circles, had his own supporters, advisers, and had nothing to do but wait for Selim's death. Selim, meanwhile, produced several children under the pressure of the leading statesmen. Murad met his younger brothers very rarely, if at all, so no deep connection developed between them. Yet it is important to mention that the birth of these children seriously influenced Murad. Well, not because they would have had any chance of stole the throne from Murad, but because Selim and Nurbanu deliberately did not produce more children after Murad's birth for years so that Murad would not have a competitor and would not have to shed his own blood when he ascended the throne. However, for the first time in his life, Murad had to think about the law of fratricide, which must have affected the sensitive-minded prince well.

The young sultan

Selim II died in early December 1574, and Nurbanu ordered his son to come Istanbul in a secret message. Murad secretly waited for one of the pasha's ships to arrive so he can go to Istanbul as soon as possible, but the prince could not find the pasha's ship, so he arrived in Istanbul on the night of December 21, with a different ship. Murad thus arrived in the capital in five days. Although he owed the ship a quick arrival, the prince struggled with very serious seasickness along the way, which made his situation bitter for some time even after his arrival. His most important task would have been to execute his brothers immediately. However, Murad was unable to issue the order. For eight hours he refused to sit on the throne — which would have made him a sultan — or announce his arrival, instead he was consulting with the statesmen on how he could evade the murder of his brothers. I would like to emphasize once again that these are brothers with whom Murad did not have any close bonds. Eventually, however, Murad’s mother, Nurbanu, and the statesmen convinced the sultan that there was nothing he could do against the law of fratricide. Finally, Murad sobbed and issued the order so his baby brothers were strangled, three hours before sunrise.

The deaths of the child princes were of particular significance, as this was the first time that the fratricide took place in Istanbul. For the first time, all leading statesmen, harem servants, soldiers, and commoners experienced up close what fratricide meant. This was the first time, they could see the tiny coffins behind the sultan's coffin. Fratricide used to be an elusive concept, which was known as a needed bad, but the opinion began to change. In any case, Murad did not become unpopular because of the event, everyone was anxiously awaiting what the reign of the young sultan would bring. Although he was not the most militant man and his appearance was slightly short and ill, he was still a promising candidate. He had been involved in a battle, had good control of his province, had several children, was intelligent, educated, and his mother was a respected and beloved person, he enjoyed the support of statesmen and soldiers, and was only twenty-eight years old, roughly as much as his great-worthy predecessor, Suleiman when he ascended the throne.

The first years of Murad's reign were very busy, with ambassadors coming to congratulate him on his accession to the throne. In 1576, for example, the Persian Shah's ambassador himself. This event was of great significance and completely make the life of Istanbul vivid. There was a peace treaty with the Persians, but a kind of passive aggression characterized the relationship. It is for this reason that Murad made great efforts to "scare" the Persian ambassador with his power. When the ambassador arrived, Murad went to meet him with an envoy of 10 to 12,000 people. Murad sent a message to the ambassador that "the parade you see here is only those hens that are in the coop, the others are just grazing on the fields." Such parades always filled the people with excitement, especially as they were accompanied by frequent money and food distribution.

The passive-aggressive action against the Persians was also fueled by the fact that the peace agreement between the two of them was about to expire and Murad had plans with them. In 1578, Murad unveiled his war aspirations to the divan, which led him to openly confront the Grand Vizier, Sokollu Mehmed Pasha. Sokollu warned the inexperienced sultan from a long and bloody war against the Persians. In fact, Sokollu had a great deal of experience in the campaigns against the Persians, as he took part in many, but the sultan wanted glory and did not listen to the Grand Vizier. Sokollu's influence was so vast and intertwined that it almost threatened the Sultan's person as an absolute monarch. Perhaps this may have had something to do with Sokollu's assassination next year. The war finally began in 1584 and lasted until 1590. It was so exhausting, expensive, that both sides begged for peace, but Murad didn't want to hear about it. He wanted to prove with all his might that he was able to gain glory, just like his grandfather Suleiman. Murad was close to Suleiman and certainly considered him his role model. Eventually, the young sultan happened to go under the patronage of fortune when a new Shah ascended the Persian throne in 1588. The new Shah had to face with so many uprisings that he would have given almost any price for peace with the Ottomans. Murad eventually sent a very unfavorable, almost mocking offer to the Persians, which was accepted by the new shah, so that Murad actually won the war in 1590 and managed to regain the glory of the Ottoman state. However, it faded the glory in the eyes of the people and soldiers that the young sultan himself had not taken part in the war.

In addition to parades and war, Murad also subverted Istanbul by completely renovating the Topkapi Palace harem and relocating almost the entire Old Palace harem to Topkapi. Thus, only the women who were of the late sultans, or were widowed sultanas, remained in the Old Palace. This, of course, was not a process over a few years, but accompanied almost the entire reign of Murad.

Declining popularity

Murad never became really unpopular, but the initial enthusiasm he received slowly left him. However, his mother tried her best to maintain her son's popularity, with more or less success. Murad’s commitment to his mother is well known. Murad made all his political decisions in consultation with her. The fact that there was peace with Venice throughout his reign was certainly also due to Nurbanu's influence. For the sultana, by his origin, pursued a pro-Venetian policy, corresponding personally with the Venetian Doge. In addition, Nurbanu tried to appear at certain events instead of her son, thus maintaining the love of the people. Such was the Friday prayer, for example. According to tradition, every Friday the sultan prayed in a city mosque, thus appearing before his people. Sultan Suleiman followed the tradition almost every Friday, Selim kept it less and less, but he still did it quite regularly. However, at one point, Murad failed to fulfill this obligation for two years. Because of this, his mother appeared regularly on Friday prayers instead. The method proved surprisingly successful.

Murad lived his daily life quite simply and routinely, which is why it is strange that he missed the Friday prayers that would fit perfectly into his routine. Thanks to his doctor, Domenico Hierosolimitano, we know exactly how the sultan lived his life. According to this "in the morning he rises at dawn to say his prayer for half an hour, then for another half-hour he writes. Then he is given something pleasant as a collation, and afterwards sets himself to read for another hour. Then he begins to give audience to the members of the Divan on the four days of the week that this occurs, as had been said above. Then he goes for a walk through the garden, taking pleasure in the delight of fountains and animals for another hour, taking with him the dwarves, buffoons and others to entertain him. Then he goes back once again to studying until he considers the time for lunch has arrived. He stays at table only half an hour, and rises (to go) once again into the garden for as long as he pleases. Then he goes to say his midday prayer. Then he stops to pass the time and amuse himself with the women, and he will stay one or two hours with them, when it is time to say the evening prayer. Then he returns to his apartments or, if it pleases him more, he stays in the garden reading or passing the time until evening with the dwarfs and buffoons, and then he returns to say his prayers, that is at nightfall. Then he dines and takes more time over dinner than over lunch, making conversation until two hours after dark, until it is time for prayer [...] He never fails to observe this schedule every day."

The retreating nature of the sultan, his absence from the people, gradually diminished his popularity. The culmination of this came around 1580, when the sultan's masculinity came to the center of ridicule. There is a rumor that Murad was impotent. Everyone in the city talked about this so much that even historians, writers, and ambassadors regularly mentioned it, and even many mocking poems took wing. Eventually, the sultan’s favorite, Safiye, was accused of making the sultan impotent and was exiled with her daughters after one of her letters were read by Nurbanu. Murad’s impotence soon really ceased and he received plenty of concubines, producing innumerable children. As it shows, Murad regained his manhood, and thus his popularity somewhat restored, although he soon suffered a huge tragedy.

The lone sultan

Murad's mother Nurbanu retired to her own palace in early 1583 after her health had deteriorated thoroughly. By the end of the year, the situation was so tragic that Murad was constantly wearing black. But that was not enough trouble, his relationship with his eldest son gone bad. For Mehmed openly stood by his mother, Safiye, demanding that his father immediately bring his mother back from exile and marry him to repair the damage to her honor. Murad, of course, ugly rejected his son. Their relationship deteriorated to such a level that in December, when Mehmed left Istanbul to travel to his own province, Murad refused to go out to say goodbye to his son. Mehmed waited for days for his father to finally show himself. It seemed that Mehmed had to leave the capital without the blessing of his father and mother.

The status of Nurbanu became critical at the same time as Mehmed's departure, and Murad hurried to his mother. On her deathbed, Nurbanu spoke of nothing but begging her son to repair his relationship with Prince Mehmed. Nurbanu eventually died with her son next to her. Murad was left alone for with the death of his mother, he lost his greatest supporter, his counselor and he was left alone without a mother, a lover and even lost his son thanks to their fight. Unfortunately, we don’t know much about how was his relationship with his other children. Prince Mahmud died around 1580/1, so we don't know much about him and even less about Selim. Murad was perhaps in a closer relationship with his daughters, given that they shared their hobby. Murad was a famous bibliophile and was very interested in astrology, the former of which he certainly shared with his daughters Ayşe and Fatma. Maybe the girls didn't stand so openly to their father for Safiye, maybe he forgave them more easily, but his relationship with them didn't seem to have deteriorated.

Murad may have been a very emotional man who philosophized a lot. Perhaps this is why the introduction of many changes in burials can be linked to him. Basically, the sultans were the only "inhabitants" of their türbe, but Murad decided it wasn't good that way. Knowing how close his own parents were to each other, he buried Nurbanu right next to his father, and even placed his younger brothers rest in Selim's tomb. Interestingly, Mihrimah Sultan, who also died during Murad's reign, was buried next to her father Suleiman, maybe because their close relationship was well known. There are no other possible reasons since Mihrimah could be buried in one of her own complexes, in her husband's complex, or even his brothers complex (Şehzade Mosque complex). So Murad clearly wanted to bury her next to Suleiman.

In the case of such an emotional, retreating man, it is perhaps not surprising that he did not bear loneliness well, and soon after the death of his mother recalled Safiye to his side and, taking the advice of his son, married her in 1585 or 1586. Although they no longer had sexual intercourse as Murad surrounded himself with young concubines, Safiye became his counselor and understanding companion. Murad respected and held Safiye's mind in high esteem, but still far from accepting her advice as blindly as he did with his mother's earlier advice. Safiye's presence may also have been an important factor in the relationship between Murad and Prince Mehmed. The two never became close again, but their relationship wasn't life-threatening anymore, since Safiye regularly advised her son to act as an obedient boy.

Besides Safiye, none of Murad's other concubines were able to intervene in political affairs, however, two other concubines are known to have been able to do charity, suggesting that they may have been Murad’s favorites. It is possible that several of her concubines have been involved in charity, but there is evidence of only these two women. Şems-i Ruhsar Hatun, the mother of Rukiye Sultan, established a foundation in Medina; and Şah-i Huban Hatun also had foundations in her life. In addition, Prince Selim's mother may have had some power, as there is second-hand evidence to that. However, Safiye was the only woman in Murad’s life who could influence him and whom he considered an equal party.

His last years and death

In his last years, he was almost completely locked in the palace, did not attend council meetings, and mostly did not leave the palace at all. This must have been facilitated by the fact that two rebellions took place against him, in 1589 the Janissaries and in 1592 the Sipahis began to revolt. In addition, his health has deteriorated a great deal in his last years. In 1592, the returning Venetian ambassador, who last saw the sultan in 1588, reported that Murad was very obese, resulting in a particularly deformed appearance due to his short stature and that his face was constantly red, he suffered from epilepsy, permanent ear problems, and other health problems. He mentioned that Murad usually slept whole day. The cause of Murad's death is unknown, probably happened due to natural causes. He died in 1595 and was buried in Hagia Sophia.

Used sources: L. Peirce - The imperial harem; M. P. Pedani - Safiye's household and Venetian diplomacy; G. Junne - The black eunuchs of the Ottoman Empire; G. Börekçi - Factions and favourites at the courts of Sultan Ahmed I (r. 1603-17) and his immediate predecessors; Necdet Sakaoğlu - Bu Mülkün Kadın Sultanları; S. Faroqhi - The Ottoman Empire and the World; C. Imber - The Ottoman Empire 1300-1650; F. Suraiya, K. Fleet - The Cambridge History of Turkey 1453-1603; Kayaalp-Aktan - The Atik Valide Mosque Complex: A testament of Nurbanu’s prestige, power and piety

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Származása és neveltetése

Murad, 1546-ban született későbbi II. Szelim és kedvenc ágyasa, Nurbanu gyermekeként. Ő volt a pár legkisebb gyermeke, Muradnak születésekor már három nővére volt, Şah, Gevherhan és Esmehan. Gyermekkorát édeapja éppen aktuális hercegi tartományában töltötte. Közeli viszonyban volt mind a két szülőjével és mint egyetlen fiuk ő volt a szemefényük. Különösen igaz volt ez édesanyjára, Nurbanura, aki igyekezett mindenre odafigyelni fiával kapcsolatban.

Murad apjához és nagyapjához hasonlóan igen szerette a művészeteket, imádott olvasni, ami már gyermekkorában is megmutatkozott. Emiatt valószínűleg inkább volt visszahúzódó herceg aki az eszével vonta magára a figyelmet, nem pedig harcos természetével. Körülmetélési szertartását 1557-ben tartották, majd a következő évben Szulejmán úgy döntött, hogy az alig 12 éves unokáját kinevezi első hercegi posztjára, Akşehirbe. Nurbanu a hagyományoknak megfelelően fiával tartott a tartományba és igyekezett segíteni az uralkodásban. Általában a hercegek valamivel idősebben kapták meg első saját tartományukat, így minden bizonnyal az új helyzet elég sok nehézséget okozott Murad számára. Azonban tanítója és édesanyja mindenben támogatta, így ügyesen helyt állt.

Az első megpróbáltatás

Murad meglehetősen felhőtlen gyermekkora hamarosan távoli emlék maradt csupán, ugyanis nagybátyja Bayezid herceg 1559-ben lázadást szítva hadsereget toborzott, egyetlen célja pedig Szelim herceg és Murad megölése volt. Muradnak, mint Akşehir helytartója rendelekzésére állt a tartomány serege, mellyel apja parancsát követve azonnal Konyába indult, hogy támogassa apját. Alig 13 évesen Murad részt vett élete első csatájában, minden bizonnyal azonban nem a harctérről követve az eseményeket. Két napos megfeszített küzdelem után végül Szelim és Murad csapatai kerültek ki győztesen, köszönhetően a szultán által küldött támogatásnak. Bayezid herceg azonban elmenekült, így Szelim, Murad és Szokollu Mehmed Pasa hónapokig üldözték a lázadó herceget.

Bayezid herceg azonban sikerrel kelt át a perzsa határon, ami mindenkit rettegéssel töltött el a birodalomban. Murad és apja hónapokig nem hagyhatták el a perzsa határt. Végül aztán Szulejmán és a perzsa şah egyezkedni kezdtek, így Murad hazatérhetett édesanyjához Akşehirbe. 1562-ben aztán Bayezidet és fiait a perzsa şah átadta Szelim embereinek és kivégezték őket. Innentől nem állt Szelim és Murad előtt semmilyen akadály, trónöröklésük biztosított volt.

A trónörökös

Mint Szelim egyetlen fia, tulajdonképpen egyértelmű volt, hogy Murad lesz a leendő szultán, így presztizse igen megemelkedett. Talán ennek köszönhette az ajándékot is, mely egész életét emgváltoztatta. Valószínűleg Bayezid kivégzése után nemsokkal - de legalábbis nagjyából 1562-ben - Murad egy ágyast kapott ajándékba unokatestvérétől, Hümaşah szultánától. Az ágyas igen csinos és intelligens volt és azonnal Murad kedvencévé vált. Nemsokkal megismerkedésük után megszületett első gyermekük, egy kislány, akit Murad unoaktestvére és Safiye kinevelője után Hümaşahnak neveztek el. Őt 1566 májusában követte Mehmed herceg. Ebben az évben halt meg Szulejmán szultán és vált Murad apja, Szelim az új szultánná.

Szelim uralkodása alatt Murad Manisában élt, ezt a tartományt igazgatta. A fő változás Szulejmán uralkodásához képest az volt, hogy édesanyja magára hagyta Muradot, hogy Szelim mellett lehessen Isztambulban. Murad életében így Safiye, kedvenc ágyasa lett az első számú támasz és társ. Kapcsolatukból hamarosan újabb fiú, Mahmud született 1569-ben őt pedig két lány, Ayşe és Fatma követte. Murad alapvetően hűséges volt Safiyéhez és monogám kapcsolatban élt vele, ám legalább egy eset előfordult, mikor más ágyast teherbe ejtett. 1567-ben ugyanis egy névtelen ágyas fiúnak adott életet, akit Szelimnek neveztek el. Az ágyas egy igen befolyásos hárem szolga, Raziye Hatun által kinevelt lány volt és bár egy herceg anyja volt, semmilyen privilégiuma nem volt, meg sem közelíthette Safiye pozícióját. Raziye Hatun egyébként maga is igen közel állt Muradhoz, talán épp ezért fogadta el ajándékát a herceg.

Hercegi tartományában Murad kialakította saját köreit, meg voltak saját támogatói, tanácsadói és nem volt semmi más dolguk, mint várni Szelim halálát. Szelim időközben több gyermeket is nemzett, a vezető államférfiak nyomására. Öccseivel igen ritkán találkozott, ha találkozott egyáltalán, így mély kapcsolat nem alakult ki közöttük. Mégis fontos megemlíteni, hogy a gyermekek születése Muradot komolyan befolyásolta. Na nem azért, mert bármi esélyük lett volna a trónra Muraddal szemben, hanem mert Szelim és Nurbanu szándékosan nem nemzett több fiút évekig, hogy Muradnak ne legyen vetélytársa és ne kelljen saját vérét ontania trónralépésekor. Azonban öccsei születésével életlben először Muradnak gondolkodnia kellett a testvérgyilkosság törvényén, ami az érzékeny lelkű herceget bizonyára nem érintette jól.

Az ifjú szultán

II. Szelim 1574 decemberének elején elhunyt, Nurbanu pedig titkos üzenetben rendelte fiát Isztambulba. Muradra titokban várt azt egyik pasa hajójával, hogy hajón mielőbb Isztambulba érjenek, a herceg azonban nem találta meg a pasát, így egy másik hajóra felkéretszkedve jutott Isztambulba december 21-én éjszaka. Murad így öt nap alatt megérkezett a fővárosba. Bár a hajónak köszönhette a gyors érkezést, a herceg nagyon súlyos tengeribetegséggel küzdött végig az úton, mely megérkezése után is jóideig megkeserítette helyzetét. Az lett volna a legfontosabb feladata, hogy testvéreit azonnnal kivégeztesse. Murad azonban képtelen volt kiadni a parancsot. Nyolc órán át nem volt hajlandó rá��lni a trónra - amitől szultánná vált volna - és kinyilatkoztatni megérkezését, helyette az államférfiakkal tanácskozott arról, hogyan tudná kikerülni öccsei meggyilkolását. Még egyszer szeretném hangsúlyozni, olyan testvérekről van szó, akikhez semmilyen szoros kapcsolat nem kötötte Muradot. Végül azonban Murad anyja, Nurbanu és az államférfiak meggyőzték a szultánt, hogy nem tehet semmit, a testvérgyilkosság törvény, neki is így kell tennie. Végül Murad zokogva adta ki a parancsot és gyermek öccseit megfojtatta a napfelkelte előtt három órával.

A gyermek hercegek halála különös jelentőséggel bírt, ugyanis ez volt az első eset, hogy a testvérgyilkosság Isztambulban történt meg. Első alkalommal tapasztalta meg testközelből az összes vezető államférfi, háremszolga, katona és közember, hogy mit is jelent a testvérgyilkosság. Először látták a szultán koporsója mögött haladó apró koporsókat. A testvérgyilkosság korábban egy megfoghatatlan fogalom volt, tudott de szükséges rossz, azonban a vélemény kezdett megváltozni. Mindenesetre Murad nem lett népszerűtlen az esemény miatt, mindneki izgatottan várta, hogy mit hoz az ifjú szultán uralkodása. Bár tudott volt, hogy nem a legharcosabb természetű férfi és külseje is enyhén beteges volt, mégis ígéretes jelölt volt. Részt vett már csatában, jól irányította tartományát, több gyermeke is volt, intelligens, művelt volt, édesanyja is tisztelt és kedvelt személy volt, élvezte az államférfiak és katonák támogatását, és csak huszonnyolc éves volt, nagyjából annyi, mint nagyérdemű elődje, Szulejmán, mikor trónralépett.

Murad uralkodásának első évei igen mozgalmasan teltek, követek érkeztek gratulálni trónralépéséhez, 1576-ban például maga a perzsa şah követe. Ez az esemény kiemelt jelentőséggel bírt és telejen felforgatta Isztambul életét. A perzsákkal béke egyezmény élt, azonban egyfajta passzív agresszió jellemezte a viszonyt. Épp emiatt Murad nagy erőfeszítéseket tett, hogy "megijessze" hatalmával a perzsa követet. Ennek érdekében 10 - 12 000 fős kísérettel érkezett majd megüzente a követnek, hogy "a felvonulás amit itt látsz csak azok a tyúkok, akik az ólban vannak, a többi éppen a földeken legel". Az ilyen felvonulások mindig izgalommal töltötték el a népet, főleg, hogy gyakori pénz és ételosztás kísérte őket.

A perzsák elleni passzív agresszív fellépést az is táplálta, hogy a kettejük közt életben lévő békeegyezmény hamarosan lejárt, Muradnak pedig tervei voltak velük. 1578-ban Murad a divan elé tárta háborús törekvéseit, amely miatt nyíltan szembe került a nagyvezírrel, Szokollu Mehmed Pasával. Szokollu óva intette a szerinte tapasztalatlan szultánt egy hosszú és véres perzsák elleni háborútól. Tény, hogy Szokollu nagy tapasztalattal rendelkezett a perzsák elleni hadjáratokról, hiszen rengetegben részt vett, a szultán viszont dicsőséget akart, és nem hallgatott a nagyvezírre. Szokollu befolyása olyan hatalmas volt és mindent átszövő, hogy szinte veszélyeztette a szultánt abszolút uralmát. Talán ennek is köze lehetett 1579-es meggyilkolásához. A háború végül 1584-ben elindult és egészen 1590-ig tartott. Olyannyira kimerítő, költséges volt, hogy mind a két fél békéért könyörgött, Murad azonban hallani sem akart erről. Minden erejével bizonyítani akarta, hogy képes dicsőséget szerezni, ugyanúgy mint nagyapja Szulejmán. Murad közel állt Szulejmánhoz és minden bizonnyal őt tekintette példaképének. Végül a szerencse pártfogásába vette a fiatal szultánt, mikor 1588-ban új şah lépett a perzsa trónra és annyi felkeléssel kellett szembenéznie, hogy szinte bármi árat megadott volna a békéért. Murad végül a perzsák számára igen kedvezőtlen, szinte gúnnyal felérő ajánlatot küldött, amit az új şah elfogadott, így Murad tulajdonképpen 1590-ben megnyerte a háborút és sikerült újra dicsőséget szereznie az Oszmán államnak. Azonban árnyalta a dicsőséget a nép és katonák szemében, hogy az ifjú szultán maga nem vett részt a háborúban.

A felvonulások és háború mellett Murad szintén felbolygatta Isztambult azzal, hogy a Topkapi Palota háremét teljes körűen felújította és szinte a teljes Régi Palotabeli háremet átköltöztette. Így a Régi Palotában csak azok a nők maradtak, akik a néhai szultánok asszonyai voltak, vagy megözvegyült szultánák. Innen ered a Régi Palota gúnyneve, a Könnyek Palotája. EZ természetesen nem egy néhány év alatt lezajló folyamat volt, hanem szinte Murad teljes uralkodását végig kísérte.

Népszerűségének csökkenése

Murad sosem vált igazán népszerűtlenné, de a kezdeti lelkesedés mely fogadta, lassan alább hagyott. Népszerűségét minden erővel igyekezett azonban fenntartani édesanyja, több kevesebb sikerrel. Murad édesanyja iránti elkötelezettsége jól ismert. Murad minden politikai döntését édesanyjával konzultálva hozta meg. Az, hogy uralkodása alatt végig béke volt Velencével, minden bizonnyal szintén Nurbanu befolyásának volt köszönhető. A szultána ugyanis származása révén, Velence-párti politikát folytatott, személyesen levelezett a velencei dózsével. Emellett Nurbanu igyekezett fia helyett megjelenni bizonyos eseményeken, ezzel fenntartva a nép szeretét. Ilyen volt például a pénteki ima, a hagyomány szerint minden pénteken a szultán valamely városi mecsetben imádkozott, ezzel megjelenve a népe előtt. Szulejmán szultán szinte valóban minden pénteken követte a hagyományt, Szelim egyre kevésbé tartotta, de néhány hetente/havonta azért megjelent, megmutatva magát. Murad azonban egy ponton két évig nem tett eleget ezen kötelezettségének. Anyja emiatt helyette jelent meg rendszeresen pénteki imákon. A módszer meglepően sikeresnek bizonyult.

Murad mindennapjait meglehetősen egyszerűen és rutinszerűen élte, emiatt is furcsa, hogy a rutinba tökéletesen beilleszthető pénteki imákat kihagyta. Orvosának, Domenico Hierosolimitanonak köszönhetően pontosan tudjuk, hogy milyen rutin szerint élte életét a szultán. Eszerint minden reggel a nappal együtt kelve, elmondta első imáját, ami nagyjából fél óráig tartott, ezek után újabb fél órán át írt. Hogy egy kis szórakozást is adjon magának, ezután minden reggel nagyjából egy órát olvasott, majd elkezdte audienciáját a divan tagokkal a hét négy napján. Hogy kiszellőztesse fejét az audienciák után egy órán át sétálgatott a kertben, társalgott a törpéivel és szemügyre vette a kertben jelenlévő állatokat. Az ebédig hátralévő időt pedig munkával töltötte. Ebédjét nagyjából fél óra alatt fogyasztotta el, majd újabb sétára indult a kertbe, ami adig tartott ameddig csak jól esett neki, majd utána elmondta imáit. Ezután felkereste asszonyait, gyermekeit és velük töltött egy-két órát, majd az esti imára távozott. Az ima után vagy lakrészébe tért vissza vagy a kertben sétált újra, esetleg olvasott. Vacsora előtt újra imádkozott, majd megvacsorázott, mialatt sokat társalgott vacsora partnereivel. A vacsora sötétedés után két órával ért véget, ekkor újra imádkozott majd aludni tért.

A szultán visszahúzódó természete, néptől való távolmaradása fokozatosan egyre csökkentette népszerűségét. Ennek csúcsa 1580 körül jött el, mikor a szultán férfiassága került a gúny középpontjába. Szárnyra kelt ugyanis az a pletyka miszerint Murad impotens. Olyannyira mindenki erről beszélt a városban, hogy még a történészek, írók és követek is rendszeresen megemlékeztek róla és számos gúnyos versike kelt szárnyra. Végül a szultán kedvencét, Safiye szultánát vádolták meg azzal, hogy ő teszi impotenssé a férfit és száműzték őt lányaival együtt, miután egyik levele Nurbanuhoz került. Murad impotenciája hamarosan valóban megszűnt és rengeteg ágyast fogadott, megszámlálhatatlan gyermeket nemzve. Bár, ez mutatja, Murad férfiasságát visszaszerezte, ezáltal pedig népszerűsége is valamennyire helyrebillent, hamarosan hatalmas tragédia érte.

A magányos szultán

Murad édesanyja Nurbanu 1583 elején visszavonult saját palotájába miután egészségi állapota alaposan leromlott. Év végére a helyzet olyan tragikus volt, hogy Murad állandóan feketében járt. De ez nem volt elég gond, legidősebb fiával is nagyon elmérgesedett viszonya. Mehmed ugyanis nyíltan kiállt édesanyja, Safiye mellett, követelte apjától, hogy azonnal hozassa vissza édesanyját a száműzetésből és vegye feleségül, hogy helyre hozza a tisztességén esett csorbát. Murad természetesen csúnyán elutasította fiát és elzavarta. Kapcsolatuk olyan szintre romlott, hogy decemberben, mikor Mehmed saját tartományába utazott volna Murad nem volt hajlandó kimenni elbúcsúzni fiától. Mehmed napokig várta apját a városban állomásozva, remélve, hogy végül megmutatja magát. Olybá tűnt, hogy Mehmed apja és anyja áldása nélkül kell, hogy elhagyja a fővárost.

Nurbanu szultána állapota Mehmed távozásával egy időben válságossá vált, Murad pedig édesanyjához sietett. Nurbanu halálos ágyán másról sem beszélt, csak könyörgött fiának, hogy hozza rendbe kapcsolatát Mehmed herceggel. Nurbanu végül úgy hunyt el, hogy fia végig mellette volt és zokogott. Murad anyja halálával egyedül maradt, elvesztette legnagyobb támogatóját, tanácsadóját, valamint fiával is elmérgesedett viszonya. Sajnos nem sokat tudun arról, hogy többi gyermekével milyen viszonyban lehetett. Mahmud herceg 1580/1 környékén elhunyt. Lányaival talán közelebbi viszonyban volt, tekintettel arra, hogy osztoztak hobbijukban. Murad híres bibliofil volt és nagyon érdekelte az asztrológia, melyek közül előbbiben bizonyosan osztozott lányaival Ayşével és Fatmával. Talán a lányok nem álltak ki annyira nyíltan apjukkal szemben Safiye érdekében, talán nekik könnyebben megbocsátott, de úgy tűnik, velük nem romlott meg a kapcsolata.

Murad igen érzelmes férfi lehetett, aki sokat filozofált. Talán épp emiatt köthető hozzá a temetkezésekben is igen sok változás bevezetése. Alapvetően a szultánok egyedüli "lakói" voltak türbéjüknek, ő azonban úgy döntött, hogy ez így nem jó. Tudva, hogy saját szülei milyen közel álltak egymáshoz, Nurbanu szultánát halála után közvetlenül apja mellé temette, sőt trónralépésekor kivégzett öccseit is Szelim türbéjében helyeztette el. Érdekesség, hogy uralkodása alatt hunyt el Mihrimah szultána is, akiről köztudott volt, mennyire közel állt Szulejmánhoz, valószínűleg épp ezért temettette Szulejmán mellé Mihrimah szultánát. Nem igazán van más lehetséges magyarázat, ugyanis Mihrimaht eltemethették volna egyik saját mecset komplexumába, férje komplexumába vagy akár testvérei komplexumába, a Şehzade mecset komplexumban. Murad mégis Szulejmán mellé temettette, bizonyára okkal.

Egy ilyen érzelmes, visszahúzódó ember esetében talán nem meglepő, hogy nem viselte jól a magányt és édesanyja halála után nemsokkal visszahívta Safiyét maga mellé és fia tanácsát megfogadva 1585-ben vagy 1586-ban feleségül is vette. Bár szexuális kapcsolatuk nem volt többé, hiszen Murad ifjú ágyasokkal vette körbe magát, Safiye lett tanácsadója és megértő társa. Murad tisztelte és nagyra tartotta Safiye eszét, korántsem fogadta meg olyan vakon tanácsait, mint korábban édesanyja tanácsait. Safiye jelenléte fontos lehetett abban is, hogy nem mérgesedett tovább Murad és Mehmed herceg viszonya. Az asszony ugyanis rendszeresen látta el fiát tanácsokkal, és igyekezett őt engedelmes fiúként mutatni Murad felé.

Safiye mellett egyik ágyas sem tudott politikai ügyekbe avatkozni, azonban ismert két másik ágyas, akik jótékonykodni tudtak, ami arra utal, hogy Murad kedvencei lehettek. Nem kizárt, hogy több ágyasa is jótékonykodásba fogott, bizonyíték azonban csak erről a két nőről van. Şems-i Ruhsar Hatun, Rukiye szultána anyja Medinában hozott létre egy alapítványt; Şah-i Huban Hatunnak pedig szintén alapítványai voltak életében. Emellett Szelim herceg anyja is valamekkora hatalommal rendelkezhetett, ugyanis vannak erre utaló közvetett bizonyítékok. Azonban Safiye volt az egyetlen nő Murad életében, aki befolyásolni tudta és akit egyenrangú félnek tekintett.

Utolsó évei és halála

Utolsó éveiben szinte teljesen bezárózott a palotába, a tanácsülésekre sem járt el, a palotát magát pedig főleg nem hagyta el. Ezt bizonyára elősegítette, hogy két lázadás is történt ellene, 1589-ben a janicsárok, 1592-ben a szpáhik kezdtek felkelésbe. Emellett egészsége is nagyon sokat romlott utolsó éveiben. 1592-ben a visszatérő velencei követ - aki 1588-ban látta utoljára a szultánt - arról számolt be, hogy Murad nagyon meghízott, ami alacsony termete miatt különösen deformált külsőt eredményezett nála, emellett arca állandóan vörös volt, epilepsziával, állandó fülproblémákkal és más egészségügyi gondokkal is küzdött, szinte egész nap aludt. Murad halálának okai ismeretlenek, valószínűleg természetes okokból kifolyólag hunyt el 1595-ben. Az Hagia Sophiában helyezték végső nyugalomra.

Felhasznált források: L. Peirce - The imperial harem; M. P. Pedani - Safiye's household and Venetian diplomacy; G. Junne - The black eunuchs of the Ottoman Empire; G. Börekçi - Factions and favourites at the courts of Sultan Ahmed I (r. 1603-17) and his immediate predecessors; Necdet Sakaoğlu - Bu Mülkün Kadın Sultanları; S. Faroqhi - The Ottoman Empire and the World; C. Imber - The Ottoman Empire 1300-1650; F. Suraiya, K. Fleet - The Cambridge History of Turkey 1453-1603; Kayaalp-Aktan - The Atik Valide Mosque Complex: A testament of Nurbanu’s prestige, power and piety

[heistmaster69]

pariet lilium

pariet lilium

pariet lilium~by @heistmaster69​

4th Year Draco Malfoy x OC fic. 

~so uhh um I was maybe watching a video about dark academia while writing this and may have gotten a BIT carried away~

gif by @fairylightwishes​ all credit to them!

~

Frankie and Cher sat in the back of Potions class while Snape droned on about the effects of crushed versus shaved Bicorn Horn on the end result of a Pepperup potion.

“-now you see that’s exactly what I was talking about. Muggle movie stars are much more attractive than boys at Hogwarts-”

“Leonar-” 

“-Dicaprio, yes.” She whispered.

“Frankie that man is gorgeous-”

‘So fine-”

Cher let out a sigh, while Frankie continued. “All the boys from Dead Poets Society-”

“So it’s decided then-”

“Yes. I’m saving my virginity until I’m of age and Leonardo Dicaprio can come and take it fro-”

“Miss. Reed.” Snape deadpanned. “If you and your friends would be so kind as to stop squealing about muggle boys in my class-I would appreciate it. That will be five points from Slytherin.” 

Cher kicked Frankie under the table. 

“My bad, professor.” She murmured, putting her palm under her chin and turning back to her notes. 

Potions had to be her third favorite class, Frankie didn’t mind it at all, it’s just, she was a little distracted, recently. It seemed like her single-ness was beginning to get to her and she found herself daydreaming during class. She didn’t want to be as obsessed as she was, but Frankie couldn’t really help it. She wanted the movie-scene first kiss and the romance novel passion, as unattainable as it is, she craved it. 

But the thing is-Frankie never let herself daydream about people she knew. In reality, none of the people she’s liked would ever like her back, and it just hurt her because she knew that no one would ever have feelings for Frankie as she did for them. Every time she let her walls down she got hurt. 

A lot of the people Frankie has met have made sure she knows that she will never be as valuable, never as loved, as beautiful, as successful as others because she wasn’t as thin as others. Frankie loved herself. But her ‘friends’, her family? It seemed like they hated her for it...

~ 

Magic had always interested Frankie. Being a witch or wizard usually goes over the heads of purebloods, with the mere prospect of having the gift coming so naturally to all of them. Frankie’s isolated upbringing, rarely seeing her parents and being brought up by a strange yet kind tutor who instructed her in all sorts of topics, ranging from basic arithmetic to discovering Frankie’s magical abilities. Ms. Selwyn, around Frankie’s parents, and Kendra, during her tutoring sessions daily during childhood. 

These memories with Kendra have a warm haze to them, and whenever Frankie reminisced, a smile would find its way onto her face. We would stand together in the garden, during the golden sunsets, and she would say;

“Magic is an incredible gift, it is beautiful and infinitely important. We hold the power of the universe in our hands.” 

Young Frankie would stare wide-eyed, confused, and tug on the side of Kendra’s robe,

“Ms. Kendra, what’s the universe?” Frankie would ask.

“The universe is everything.”

“Everything? How much is that?” 

Kendra would smile so gently and kneel down beside Frankie, grasping her small hands and gesturing towards the sky alive with color.

“More than we could ever know.”

Kendra knew the power purebloods held with the Ministry, after all, the Selwyns and the Reeds were a part of the Sacred Twenty-Eight. The Ministry was still hypnotized by the status and the blood purity that these upper-class families held and overlooked the small laws broken by the elite, so Kendra and Frankie would practice small magic in their free time-in secret. The Reeds would never want their precious-little-delicate-perfect-pureblood baby daughter learning anything but the proper protocol for stuffy dinners with the Prewetts, the Malfoys, the Greengrasses, the Bulstrodes, the Parkinsons, the Notts, the Flints, or any other sort of perfect families that they could put in their larger-than-life estate. 

Nevertheless, Kendra would take Frankie into the garden behind the mansion, near the rippling brook by a big oak tree. They would sit in the shade of the branches and Frankie would learn about everything her family didn’t want her to know. She learned about the inequality between purebloods, half-bloods, and muggleborns and as Kendra told her of the First Wizarding War, Frankie felt her heart shatter into a thousand pieces. How could someone think they were any better than another human being due to their blood? Their lineage? How they treat those supposedly ‘less than’? This realization caused a rift to form between Frankie and her parents-the entirety of what being Sacred 28 pureblooded perfection was. 

She despised it.

Kendra warned her though, she spoke softly the words that shoved Frankie into a vault, locked her away, and threw away the key.

“I don’t know if this will ever change.”

Little Frankie blinked quickly, her wide eyes sore and puffy from tears. “Why?” She cried. 

“They will never relinquish the privilege that this supremacy gives them.” Kendra let out a deep sigh and placed a tender hand on Frankie’s shoulder. 

“I think you’re wrong, Miss Kendra.”

“I hope I am, Miss Frankie. I think you could make a difference.”

This upbringing of acceptance and wonder from Kendra instilled a unique view of magic in Frankie. She saw it as a privilege and took an interest in a side of magic that tended to be overlooked until necessary. Frankie liked to create spells and potions. Specifically, she had a fixation on wandless magic. It was crazy to her-she could create life from her hands. How so many of her friends and peers overlooked this, she understood but wished more people wouldn’t call people like her Loony Lovegood. 

Anyways.

Frankie hid a tattered mahogany-colored, pleather-bound journal in her pillowcase. This journal rarely let the safety of her room, only transferring annually between her estate and Hogwarts. It was never shown to a soul, and it contained her life’s work in what could barely be considered spell-creation. Notes and random scribbles littered the pages, but if it were ever to be lost, Frankie would lose everything she’s done since she was six years, four months, and thirteen days old and Kendra told her about spell-creation. She thinks she would cry.

~

“Oi Francesca-” A voice called.

“-you’re not allowed to call me that, Blaise.” Frankie chuckled as he jogged up to her, stopping to lean against the wall with a smirk.

“I don’t care, you’re Francesca to me. Anyway, Potions, what happened in poti-” Blaise looked over his shoulder and shouted to Theo. “Oi Theodore, get your arse over here!” Blaise had a thing for using people’s full name-even if it’s not really their name, (ie Daphnessa/Pansleigh.) Frankie rolled her eyes as Theo strolled, shoulders taut, up to Blaise

“Frankie, what happened in Potions? You love potions, you’re always talking about how Potions is a really cool way to learn about how magic affects the world-”

“-Potions is a super cool way to learn about how magic affects the world-” Blaise interjected, wrapping an arm around Theo’s broad shoulders.

 Theo turns to Blaise with a sarcastic stare at him. “Yeah, that.”

I want to have a stupid dumb kiss already. Which is stupid dumb and I don’t even care but I’m horny for love.

“Oh, yeah I-I didn’t sleep well last night.” Frankie choked out.

“It was kind of a relief, your constant enthusiasm about Snape’s class is alarming.” Theo snickered. Blaise snorted as he and Theo sauntered towards the Great Hall. Frankie let out a breath and followed soon after the two boys let for lunch to get to the common room.

~

Frankie’s boots tapped gently against the cold stone floor of the dungeons. Dust hung low in the air, illuminated by the amber glow of hanging torches that littered the walls. The dungeons are always shown as a dingy, disgusting place but Frankie found the common room comforting. She stilled in front of the entrance and spoke softly the password. 

“Labebantur anguis.” 

The wall dragged inwards with a low scraping sound, revealing her home. The estate is not a home, the estate is merely her stage, acting as the perfect daughter for an audience of haughty purebloods. This common room was perfect, smelling like pine and cotton and the perfect temperature. Green rugs and plush couches in front of a fireplace, tables and booths next to an espresso machine and a tea kettle. Arching windows and pillars showcasing the beauty under the Black Lake. This is home.

She stepped past the commons and walked up the winding stairs to the shared dormitories. Cher laid on Frankie’s bed with Daphne with parchment and quills set out on the emerald silk sheets.

“If you two spill ink on my bed one more time I’ll hex you in your sleep.” Frankie shrugged out of her robe and fell back onto Cher’s bed. The two girls giggled and returned to their subsequent conversations.

Cher was gorgeous. She radiated kindness and had an aura about her that made her seem impenetrable, yet she was humble. She had a crooked smile that never failed to bring one to Frankie’s face. Her eyes shone with emotion and were a deep brown that glimmered at all times. She was incredibly brilliant and the top of many of her classes. With the exception of Potions, Frankie held that spot proudly. 

Everyone says that perfect Hermione Granger, the “brightest witch of her age”, is the top of every class, but ever since she had to use her time to deal with the two rambunctious children that are her friends, she holds strong at about fourth. Frankie had to admit, she had a burning jealousy of Granger. She managed to befriend Potter in her first year, as well as make friends with many of the teachers, ace her classes, and save the entire school three times by now. Not to mention, she was also very pretty. This envy flared its deep green color whenever Frankie so much as heard the name Granger. 

“Earth to Reed?” Frankie snapped out of her covetous haze and met Daphne’s eyes. “Pansy’s bringing up lunch, get started on your essay, like, now.” 

Frankie tipped her head in agreement and reached into her bag to pick out her Astronomy notes. “Five sheets of parchment? Is Professor Sinistra trying to kill us?” 

“I think I might just use one sheet for every word: Sorry, I, Don’t, Want, To.” Cher counted on her fingers with a snort.

Daphne tugged at her bottom lip with her pinkie. “Maybe Frankie can use one of the spells from her secret journal to erase this essay from Sinistra’s mind.”

“That spell already exists, you toad.” Pansy swung the door open with several food items floating behind her, a slice of pumpkin bread levitating into Frankie’s waiting hands. “It’s called Obliviate, it has murderous side effects, and, next week it’s Reed’s turn to get the food.”

“Thank you Pans,” Cher cheered, mouth full of a danish pastry.

“Plus, the boys were bugging us to sit with them more often.” Pansy sat beside Frankie, parchment in hand. Daphne rolled her eyes.

“It’s one day a week, they’ll get over it eventually.”

“The students at Uagadou are so lucky. They have a good Astronomy program and they live in a cloud.” 

Cher scoffed. “They don’t live in a cloud, Pans, They live in a castle-that’s on a cloud. It’s very particular.”

“I want to live in a castle.”

“You idiot, you do.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you bloody mean?”

“Nothi-whatever-what are we doing for Hogsmeade tomorrow?”

~

Draco. Bloody. Malfoy. 

He walks around the school all high and mighty, like he owns the place, yet he acts like a right prat to many of its inhabitants. It’s like the boy was born with a stick up his arse. Yet, Frankie knew how he was raised, not that it’s an excuse. He doesn’t want to be the way he is, but he’s not some broken boy for her to fix. 

She’s had many conversations in the common room with Malfoy after nights of nightmares. She’s shared hugs that linger a second too long and strange glances during lectures. His stone grey eyes held an emotion behind them that she couldn’t understand. It made her uncomfortable, the strange buzz on her skin where his hand met. The fluttery feeling in the pit of her stomach when they got too close. She didn’t like it. It made her feel like a creep.

She sees the way he looks at Cher. Frankie doesn’t compare to a golden, legs-for-days goddess with a waist the same circumference as Frankie’s thigh. Besides, a Malfoy should be with someone the same physical caliber as him. Frankie’s mother prayed to the ghost of Merlin that Frankie would blossom into a beautiful flower, but as her mother continuously reminded her, 

“You are a disgrace. Nothing but a weed in a garden of perfection.”

It’s not hard to believe. Many pureblood parents held a disdain for their children in private. Frankie was lucky to have someone like Kendra. Other teenagers didn’t have anyone. Frankie was lucky, not special. A mere weed, removable by a weak pull. A thorn on an otherwise perfect rose, fit to be plucked, ignored by onlookers.

Draco Malfoy was never written in the stars for someone like Frankie. 

Not that she liked him or anything. He was, as stated before, a right prat. A good looking one, but a prat nonetheless. They didn’t talk much, at all, instead seeking solace in the late hours of the night, a deep bond hidden from their friends. How could two people who were supposedly so perfect, be so broken?

~

pariet lilium.

chapter two

[7-wonders]

Money, Power, and Glory

Summary: The sordid history of Duncan’s rise to the top, and hand-to-hand combat lessons that lead to other activities.

Word Count: 3855

A/N: Hello and welcome to another chapter of Memento Mori! I hope everyone’s had a fantastic holiday season. As my belated gift to you all, this chapter includes what everyone’s been waiting for: SMUT. A big thanks to my lovely angel @divinelangdon for letting me spitball ideas at her at any time of day, and to @lvngdvns for inserting the original ‘what if’ into the minds of this fandom.

Warnings: Murder, mafia, drugs, fighting, sex; what you would usually expect from a story about a mob boss.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2

By all accounts, Duncan Shepherd is not a man known for showing emotion, unless that emotion is sadistic pleasure gained at the expense of others’ well-being. Nobody would describe Duncan Shepherd as patient or helpful, a gentleman or a teacher. Instead, Duncan Shepherd is often referred to as cruel, vicious, heartless, and bloodthirsty, to name a few. But most of all, Duncan Shepherd would not be described as weak. 

Duncan’s proud of the reputation that he’s cultivated through his few short years as the official ���head” of the Shepherd family. However much he hates to acknowledge it, he has his strict upbringing to thank for that. 

An absent father who died when Duncan was barely old enough to walk, followed by rumors that the supposed grieving widow was the one who ‘accidentally’ gave her husband too many sleeping pills mixed with a hearty glass of aged bourbon with the endgame of joining her brother and building the Shepherd name into one of the most powerful monikers in Washington D.C. Being passed off from nanny to nanny, his mother and uncle too busy climbing their way up the elitist ladder to take care of the sole heir to the elaborate empire they were crafting. 

The Shepherd family had always been wealthy, but the wealth became exorbitant upon Annette and Bill’s foray into the underbelly of the city’s privileged class. Suddenly, Duncan was shipped off to the best boarding school in North America, with business and political skills instilled in him from the very beginning of his enrollment at the Andover Preparatory School (along with how to dodge punches and how to go on a coke binge and still show up for your 8 a.m. looking none the worse). Prep school was difficult, but it was much more preferable than being around his uncle.

Duncan’s met a lot of douchebags through his close association with the GOP, but Bill Shepherd embodies toxic masculinity. For a man so fond of collared shirts and quarter zip pullovers, he knew just how to emasculate even the most confident of men with a few well-shot insults. For his detested nephew, however, “a few” insults was a daily occurrence that could be counted on with the regularity of the rise and fall of the sun. The physical aspect of Bill’s temperament, slapping and punching and the feeling of his fingers digging into Duncan’s jaw as he commands him to “use your empty, good-for-nothing brain and just listen to me, god damn it,” marred Duncan’s late teen years. 

His uncle saw him as a threat. Even if Duncan wasn’t able to discern that himself from the increasing beatdowns, whether physical or verbal, as he reached adulthood, his mother was sure to remind him of that fact whenever he was younger and would come crying to her about the mean things that Uncle Bill had said to him. If he closes his eyes, he can still feel her hand carding through his light brown locks and her soft voice reminding him that everything under the control of the Shepherd name would be his one day, regardless of what her brother said. She never confronted Bill about the abuse, but she had tried, in her own fucked-up way.

Ultimately, Duncan has Bill to thank for his rise to the top of the Shepherd Freedom Foundation, Gardner Analytics, Shepherd Unlimited, and, of course, the Shepherd family itself. It was Bill who accosted Duncan after the young Shepherd had gotten into a gunfight with a rival group that had attempted to blindside him on his first solo meeting to restake territory claims over the different wards of Washington D.C. It was Bill who grabbed Duncan by the collar of his bloodstained black shirt, throttling him and bitterly spitting out that he would never be a “true” Shepherd. It was Bill who took a swing at Duncan, a horrified Annette frozen with fear across the room.

And, in the end, it was Bill who was too slow to react to Duncan pulling a knife out in retaliation and jabbing it into his uncle’s abdomen. Annette had screamed, but Duncan had hardly heard her over the sound of his blood roaring in his ears as he stared at his hands, soaked in the blood of his uncle who was on the floor and gasping for his last breaths. Duncan’s Goliath was finally slain, dead on the floor with blood slowly spilling out from the stab wound. His first murder had been his most difficult, and while the easiness of ending somebody’s life scared him, the fact that Duncan enjoyed killing his uncle frightened him the most.

It had been all too easy to frame Bill Shepherd’s death as a robbery-gone-wrong. Annette, already shaken from seeing her brother stabbed to death by her son, had been able to pull on years of experience with lying through her teeth to recount to police the harrowing ordeal of how she came to the building that housed the various Shepherd businesses only to see Bill bleeding out in his office. With the notability of the victim and the million dollars that had been stolen from the busted safe behind the bookshelf (in reality, the money was funneled into one of the family’s many offshore accounts, but that was neither here nor there), the case was textbook open-and-shut.

The “grieving” Shepherds had publicly vowed that their figurehead’s death would not be in vain. They would build on his legacy, just as he would have wanted. Behind closed doors, Annette had begrudgingly admitted that Duncan was in the right when he shoved a blade into Bill’s stomach, especially upon seeing just how capable of leading Duncan was. More money, more power, more territory, more influence: the more the Shepherd family became a name at the forefront of every conversation about the VIPs of Washington D.C., the more determined Duncan was to reach the top. He would stop at nothing to be better than his uncle, to prove to him one last time that he was more of a man than Bill Shepherd, cold and rotting six feet under, could ever be. 

So maybe people are right when they refer to Duncan Shepherd as a callous, cruel, bloodthirsty, monster of a mob boss. But Duncan is certainly not weak.

Why, then, does he feel so weak when he’s around (Y/N)? The woman shouldn’t even warrant a passing thought, not when Duncan has far more important matters to be dealing with. He should have killed her; it would have been far easier, and created less of a lasting effect (for Duncan, at least). Yet, when he heard about how she nearly scaled a wall when attempting to run from some of his men, and when he saw the fire blazing in her big eyes as she spit at him when he tried to touch her face, he knew he couldn’t.

Duncan’s found it impossible to stop thinking about last week’s shooting lesson. How she looked to him for guidance on what, to Duncan, is the most basic of tasks. Her defiant comments that make him angry while simultaneously making him chuckle. Her wide smile when she hit the target. The smell of her hair as Duncan loomed behind her to check her sight.

The way that her body slotted perfectly against his when he closed his hands on top of hers.

Duncan’s stirred out of his unusually soft reverie by the chiming of his phone. An email notification from one of his tech employees shows on the screen, the subject line warning him of an extended search of his name and family in the metropolitan area. It may sound conceited, but any search taking place within a 30 mile radius lasting longer than a few minutes carries with it the potential of a threat against the empire that Duncan has so carefully built. He’s sure it’s nothing, but clicks on the email just to be certain.

His eyes scan quickly over the contents of the message, noting the IP address and the approximate length of said search. The IP address traces back to a physical residence, the location of which makes Duncan smirk. It’s (Y/N), and he has no doubt that he’s been on her mind just as much as she’s been on his. Finding her file (because of course Duncan Shepherd is going to have an extensive file for every person he’s ever interacted with) on his computer, he types her number into his phone and sends her a short text.

“Training tomorrow, 3 p.m., same location as last week. Oh, and the next time you’re interested in learning more about me, you need only ask. -D.S.”

//

The embarrassment of knowing that Duncan Shepherd knew that (Y/N) was searching for information about him still controls her emotions as she readies herself to once again meet the notorious mob boss. She thinks she would rather die than see the triumph that sparkles in his crystal blue eyes of the knowledge that she cannot stop thinking about him. 

In (Y/N)’s defense, it was merely an informative search. Not being from the area, she figured that it would be a good idea to learn a little bit more about the man she is now indebted to for the foreseeable future. What she had learned was sad and brutal, but also what she expected. Wikipedia described a rich boy who was coddled until he was old enough to receive a position at the top of one of his family’s companies, while the gossip tabloids loved to speculate on the true amount of wealth that the family possesses. Forbes Magazine called him a bright, young entrepreneur whose tenacity was forged out of the tragedy of his uncle’s murder, and the Washington Herald painted a compelling narrative of various criminal activities and how they lined up with events in the rise of the Shepherd family.

(It’s probably no coincidence that, shortly after the three-part investigative story had been released, the Herald’s editor-in-chief, Tom Hammerschmidt, was found floating face-down in the Potomac river with a bullet lodged in his head. The official cause of death was ruled a suicide, but the popular rumor is that a furious Annette demanded his murder.)

She could skip today’s proposed “training” with Duncan, but that’s useless when he knows where she lives and can quite literally kill her for refusing his demand, so she slips on a pair of black workout leggings and a purple-and-white patterned sports bra.Throwing a sweatshirt on, (Y/N) quickly grabs a water bottle and her phone before rushing out the door so as not to be late. Although she doesn’t know much about Duncan’s personality, she assumes that he hates people who are late.

The man in question is waiting inside the doors of the high-end training gym when (Y/N) enters, slightly out of breath from nearly running to make it in time. A small smile starts to spread across his face as he appraises her outfit, and (Y/N) self-consciously crosses her arms over her chest.

“Sorry that my clothes aren’t right off the runway like yours,” (Y/N) says as she gestures to Duncan’s figure. While he’s wearing workout clothes as well, his joggers and zip-up hoodie carry an air of wealth with them.

“They’ll do.” (Y/N) huffs as Duncan spins on his heel, repeating the same procedure as the last time they were here in order to get through the private door. 

There’s training mats set up in the open area next to the shooting range, and Duncan waits until (Y/N) places her stuff against the wall before walking to a bench and grabbing a roll of athletic tape. “We’re not doing shooting training today?” (Y/N) asks.

“No, I feel like you have a pretty good grip on shooting. Today I’m going to teach you how to fight, as that will most likely be what will happen if you do get into an altercation while under my orders.”

“When am I not going to be under your orders?” She rolls her eyes as she pretends not to watch Duncan take off his hoodie and reveal his strong, muscular arms. (Y/N) realizes that she’s never seen Duncan in shirts that didn’t have long sleeves, the monochromatic tattoos that decorate his skin coming as a bit of a shock.

“Once I decide that there’s enough to implicate you in crimes as well, if you were to ever run to the police.” She scoffs as he holds out his hand. “Give me your hand.”

She shouldn’t talk back, she knows, but she’s feeling defiant after hearing just how Duncan plans to keep her quiet. “Why?”

“This tape isn’t for me.” Giving her hand over, (Y/N) watches as Duncan swiftly wraps her wrist, checking the support of the tape on the joint before repeating the process on her other wrist. “This will help make sure you don’t injure anything. While the main goal today is to make sure you know how to take down an opponent, I also want to know that you know how to effectively punch somebody.”

Duncan lets go of her hands, and (Y/N) takes off her own sweatshirt before joining him in the center of the training mat. He’s conspicuously not looking at her chest, and (Y/N) bites back a laugh at the polite behavior of the crime lord before her. “Hold your hand out in a fist,” Duncan commands.

His eyes are narrowed in calculation as he studies her fist, adjusting her thumb so it’s on top of the space between the first and second knuckles of her index and middle fingers. He’s a good teacher, and he explains his reasoning as he makes adjustments, “you never want to have your thumb tucked inside your fist. You’re almost guaranteed to break your thumb that way.”

“Thumb on the outside, got it.”

Duncan steps back, holding his arm up with his palm facing (Y/N). “Punch my hand.”

“What?” (Y/N) looks at him warily. “I’m not going to punch you! What if I hurt you?”

“I promise you won’t hurt me,” Duncan says with a laugh. “Now punch.”

(Y/N) squares her shoulders, rearing her arm back before punching Duncan’s hand as hard as she can. He nods, and she punches once more, this time with her other fist. “I’m impressed,” Duncan says, “you punch really well.”

“I’ve taken a couple of self-defense classes in the past. They didn’t teach punching, but they did teach how to throw your weight into your hits.” Duncan’s eyes flash with a hint of pride, and (Y/N)’s chest uncharacteristically clenches at the thought of making him proud.

“Great, then we don’t need to work too much on that. Unwrap your wrists and we’ll practice some sparring.”

It seems like a good part of her life lately is following Duncan’s directions, but (Y/N) complies anyways. Duncan’s joggers look like they were tailored specifically for him, his black tank top showcasing the tattoos (Y/N) had found herself staring at earlier. This time, Duncan does notice. “Do you like my tattoos?” Duncan asks with a smirk.

“I just--you don’t seem like the type of person to have tattoos,” (Y/N) stutters.

He quirks an eyebrow in amusement. “I’m a mob boss.”

“Still don’t seem like you’d have tattoos,” she mutters before placing her hands on her hips. “What’s the goal here?”

“The goal is to take me down. When you’ve had me on my back for five seconds, today’s training will be over. However, there will be no dirty moves, got it?”

“But kicking someone in the balls is okay if I’m fighting an attacker, right?”

“Yes, but not in a practice scenario.” Duncan starts to slowly circle (Y/N), watching as her spine stiffens under his gaze. “I suppose I should warn you that I will not make this easy for you. You will be fighting to win, not fighting to learn.”

(Y/N) nods, turning to stop Duncan from pacing around her. He takes two steps back, standing in a defensive stance as (Y/N) attempts to get a feel for how to spar. She snaps her arm towards Duncan suddenly, in an attempt to catch him by surprise, but the man simply blocks it with a quick dodge.

The punch leaves (Y/N) defenseless, and Duncan lunges forward to shove her. He would never actually punch her; he’s been trained in combat since he was 10, and she learned to throw a proper punch 10 minutes ago. It would be unfair of him to swing at her, so Duncan settles for pushing her instead.

(Y/N) attempts to regain her footing, but Duncan’s too quick. His arm wraps around her neck in a chokehold, and (Y/N) gasps for air as she tries to wriggle out of his grasp. Avoiding panicking, (Y/N) thinks desperately to the aforementioned self-defense classes, trying to remember any of the acronyms the instructor swore would save the class’s lives one day.

Rearing her arm towards her body, (Y/N) swings her elbow back as hard as she can to elbow Duncan in the stomach. He releases her with a pained groan, obviously not expecting that move, and she turns around and kicks at his leg. 

“Fuck you,” Duncan gasps out, stumbling backwards but refusing to fall.

“Fuck you!” (Y/N) retorts. “You tried to choke me out!”

“And I warned you beforehand what you were getting into.” The two move warily, neither person wanting to make the next move. (Y/N)’s eyes crackle with anger, and Duncan grins wildly at the fierce expression she wears.

He swings once again, (Y/N) dodging before punching him in the chest. Duncan seizes the opportunity to sweep her leg with a well-placed kick, and (Y/N) goes falling to the mat with a thud. She inhales heavily, trying to get her lungs to work again after having the air knocked out of them. (Y/N)’s barely able to scramble backwards before Duncan is on top of her, his legs straddling her waist as his hands pin her wrists above her head.

Chests heaving, both Duncan and (Y/N) glare at each other as he waits for her to give in, but she refuses to admit defeat. She becomes acutely aware of the fact that Duncan is pinning her down to the mat with his weight, his strong hips against hers making movement impossible. It’s borderline-indecent, and (Y/N) chides herself for finding being held to the ground any shade of arousing. Although she can’t tell if she wants to kick him or kiss him right now, she knows that Duncan feels the same when he glances from her eyes to her lips, and back again.

“Can you get off of me?” The end of (Y/N)’s sentence is muffled as Duncan presses his lips to hers.

The shock of being kissed by the man who just defeated her at sparring quickly wears off as (Y/N) eagerly reciprocates the action, feverishly kissing him back. Her hands flex in Duncan’s grasp, desperate to grab onto any part of him as a way to ground herself. Duncan refuses to acquiesce, so she brings one leg up to the back of his knee and applies as much weight to the vulnerable area as she can.

“Ah!” Duncan groans, the buckling of his knee giving (Y/N) the opportunity to flip them over. Now it’s she who has the upper hand, grinding her hips down harshly on him as she kisses him once more. Duncan licks at her bottom lip, attempting to gain access to (Y/N)’s mouth and getting frustrated when she refuses to let him slip his tongue into her mouth. He’s done playing nice, and nips at (Y/N)’s bottom lip hard enough to draw blood. He moans when the copper taste of blood hits his tongue, (Y/N) pulling away and panting harshly.

“You fucking asshole, that hurt!” Duncan just chuckles, flipping them over once again and roughly yanking her leggings and underwear down her legs. (Y/N) lets out a surprised moan when Duncan’s finger runs over her clit, collecting some of her burgeoning arousal and using it to slide effortlessly into her cunt.

(Y/N) is not the type of person to engage in casual sex with a person she hardly knows. She’s not even sure she’s had an actual one night stand before; the couple times that she had, it’s been with somebody she knew fairly well. So to be under the most dangerous man she’s ever met, his fingers buried inside her as he works her open, is certainly unlike her. It would, however, be impossible to deny that she’s not thoroughly enjoying this endeavor.

One hand grabs at Duncan’s bicep, and (Y/N) briefly admires the elegant script inked into his skin. Her other hand goes to grab at his sizable bulge, gripping onto his erection as roughly as he’s currently fingering her. Duncan lets out a choked groan at the sensation that’s both painful and pleasurable. Once he’s decided that neither party can handle the tension any longer, he withdraws his fingers from her cunt and pulls down his pants.

After (Y/N) gives his shaft a couple of quick strokes, Duncan lines himself up with her entrance and thrusts into (Y/N)’s tight walls. Matching moans ring out through the training room as Duncan begins to set a quick and deep rhythm. (Y/N)’s hips snap upwards, meeting Duncan’s as the two thrust in tandem. Every other sound, feeling, or experience fades away as Duncan continually bottoms out in (Y/N)’s cunt, his balls slapping against her ass. Her head lolls back against the ground, giving her the perfect chance to admire Duncan’s lustful expression and how his hair falls into his face with each sharp roll of his hips.

(Y/N)’s head begins to spin as Duncan’s rhythm begins to stutter upon nearing his orgasm, and she bites down on the juncture of his neck and shoulder in an attempt to muffle a scream as she cums unexpectedly. He cries out at the sharp pressure of her bite and the fluttering of her walls, speeding up his thrusts before pulling out and tapping at (Y/N)’s bottom lip with the swollen head of his cock. 

She turns her head towards him, eyes glazed with lust as she opens her mouth. Duncan only needs to thrust into his fist a few times before he cums in (Y/N)’s mouth with a deep groan. Her lips are painted white with his seed, and he nearly cums again when she licks it all up before swallowing with a content hum. Duncan collapses next to (Y/N), whose bones feel as if they’re made of Jell-o. As they both come down from their highs, (Y/N) has only one thought on her mind: What the hell did they just do?

//

Tag list: @sammythankyou @girlycakepops @ultragibbycentralworld @ajokeformur-ray @nana15774 @queencocoakimmie @lichellaw @grim-adventures58 @dandycandy75 @trimbooohgodplsnoooo @everything-is-awesomesauce @ccodyfern @jimmlangdon @omgsuperstarg @queenie435 @dextergirl12345 @sloppy-little-witch-bitch26 @kahhlo @storminmytwistedmind @1-800-bitchcraft @langdonslove @cuddletothecake @born-on-stgeorges-day @xavierplympton @michaelsapostle @hecohansen31 @venusxxlangdon @idespac @tcc-gizmachine @hexqueensupreme @wroteclassicaly @queenmismatched @youngandfleeting @hecatemacbeth7 @lambofcairo @myluciferiscody 

[shallowtm]

hi everyone ! i wasn’t a part of this last time but i’m so glad it’s back so i can experience roleplaying in this lovely group ! there’s a bit about felicity under the cut (may have got a bit carried away) !

(   sienna  miller  &  jennifer  aniston   )   bopping  along to  2010  kickstarts  by  example  is  felicity  alderidge  ,  the   thirty  nine  year  old  cis  woman  thrown  back  to  their   accountancy  days  with  none  of  her  memories  .  voted  most  likely  to  become  a  real  housewife  ,  fliss  was  known  for  being   genuine  &  naive  ,  go  figures  you’d  always  find  them   burning  pizza  ,  but  grew  up  to  be  humorous  &  defensive  .   ✎   elle  ,  22  ,  she/her  ,  gmt  .

the first person that comes to mind when the alderidge family is mentioned is her mother, celeste alderidge. the  woman did it all whilst being a single parent in london. she worked  hard for her daughter and sure enough, the both of them found themselves  in to rich part of london leading a very luxurious lifestyle.

it  wasn’t always like that. felicity’s mother worked hard and her childhood was far from typical as far as her experiences went. her mother was determined to extend her business in vegan cosmetics to the world all whilst raising her child. it was strange to see the woman prosper without a man at that time but they looked up to her and it made  sure that fliss always had a role model.

as money was tight at first, fliss started out as a model for her mother’s products. yes, it was scandalous to put a child in the magazines wearing makeup that she shouldn’t have been but the girl was compliant and wanted to pay her mother back for everything she had done for her. she had never been bitter towards it or made a fuss over it.  the talk did launch the brand into the spotlight and whilst others would let the negativity end the brand, celeste alderidge didn’t.

multiple opportunities came for fliss after that; she started modelling as a child and her mother used the money to expand the product line as well as into pitches to make sure that they were to get some sales. fliss participated in london fashion week and all the other’s seemed to follow that.

as the girl was so busy, felicity never found herself at a school (hello, homeschool), and this caused her to lead a very sheltered life and some would say she’s still like this. she’s missed  out on the normal experiences whilst being on these amazing adventures  and she can never get those opportunities back. all the opportunities in  her life were because of her mother; without her, they would have never  happened and she knows that.

as she grew  up, felicity did fall back on her good looks and charm. despite being  the daughter of celeste (whose name was now actually trade marked at  this point), the woman taught her manners. some said that her mother was  training her to be in pageants by some of the things that came out of  her mouth but it was really down to her naivety; she just didn’t know what was going on around her or the troubles that others were facing...

as she has lead a luxurious life of privilege since she can remember,  fliss has grown to accept certain standards, not only with others  but of herself. she has always found herself in high pressure environments, one would think that she would be used to them by now but she is one to crumble easily. however, luckily for her, her mother was always there to tidy up her mistakes but nothing was ever free in that  respect.

after she stopped modelling in her late twenties, her mother invited her to be the coo of CELESTE cosmetics in their los angeles hq and with nothing else going for her, she gratefully accepted.

it’s not fliss’s fault that she hasn’t had to work for anything, she has been handed things but she has always been thankful and worked her hardest. she does lack certain skills but is very easy to talk to when she isn’t panicked. when she finds herself in a high pressured environment, she does find herself flapping and she gets very, very  flustered. she just wants to do well, especially for her mother but the more she panics, the worse the situation gets...

she is easy to get along with but her naivety was very frustrating when she was reaching 40 in college. she’s definitely a type b personality that needs  to be protected and guided.

she’s wasn’t as close to her mother anymore and it definitely showed in the company. celeste had started to do pitches and hold meetings without her, fliss was just been left with the basic things and others below her have slowly  stepped in to take over her duties. she did notice it but decided to give her mother the benefit of the doubt, boy, was that the wrong choice.

a rumour started circulating around the company that felicity had been given an  ultimatum; she either proved herself or she was going to be let go. her mother knows that she doesn’t do well in pressured situations and she started to panic about her life. she took it upon herself to go to college, knowing full well that she probably wouldn’t meet the woman’s high expectations and she’d have to go solo.

she had been invested in the company since she was six years old, it’s been her mother’s goal and everything she did was to make sure that she got there; there was never any room for her goals and now it’s scaring her to think that she has no  aspirations in life, doesn’t have a relationship and doesn’t know where to start with it all. fliss has always been a people pleaser,  especially when it came to her mother and now she realises that she’s completely lost if her mother shuts her out.

gwendolyn’s  a really loyal friend to have and her naivety has protected her purity  and genuine nature over the years. however, it’s left her unable to  stand up for herself so rather than fighting, she will just apologise  and try to overcompensate. her self-esteem is at an all time low and she  doesn’t really know what to do with it.

in amidst her mother’s warning, the woman made sure that she was evicted out of her manhattan apartment and she . she’s very clueless and can’t cook but she’s trying to learn.

some quick facts about her in 2010, 2010 timeline ideas:

she worked as the coo of lancaster cosmetics but if your character uses the products, they would be under the name of CELESTE

as stated, she was a people-pleaser so she did everything she could to help your muse and make them happy, even if it meant getting herself into trouble.

although her mother set impossible standards to follow, she was even harsher on herself and this just made her mess up more as she panicked.

some of her colleagues referred to her as either ‘princess peach’ or ‘the  stepford wife’ as she was always smiling and always seemed to brush things under the carpet; she was scared of getting serious so made jokes when she felt vulnerable. still, she was a great laugh at a party so it wasn’t not bad. all joking aside, it’s clear that her colleagues didn’t respect her.

in all honestly, she was expecting to be handed the company a couple of years ago as there was a rumour going  round that celeste was going to retire but that never happened. again, it fitted into the idea of her being entitled. just because it’s her mother’s company didn’t mean she’s the best person to run it,  unfortunately...

she collected stationery items, in particular notebooks and rubbers

after graduation:

since graduating, life didn’t go how it wanted her to go. she worked hard thinking that her mother would finally promote her in the company but that didn’t happen. it was a strange relationship, the mother / daughter one now gone placed by boss / disgruntled employee. however, fliss felt like she couldn’t do anything about it; she had put so much effort into it for all these years and wasn’t about to give up.

a few years after, she did find herself engaged (to a millionnaire because elitist standards ) but it wasn’t because she was in love, it was a distraction more than anything. she wanted to be wanted and rushed into the whole thing. he had two children from his previous marriage so that was also a strange dynamic for her. however, she tried her best to be agreeable as possible.

after being named the most likely to become a real housewife after graduating, that came true, on the west coast. she joined in season 4 and it’s still running now.

it was hard having her divorce on the show, as well as them showing the relationship she had with her mother. viewers could see that she was in it for the opportunities. despite majoring in accountancy, her mother still didn’t trust her to handle the books, or promote her.

she does have a heart of gold but more often than not on the show, she comes across as very defensive so fights escalate rather quickly with her. she’s always been emotional, now she shows it in a different way, one that seems to come more from anger.

fliss doesn’t like the surface friendships she has on the show. whenever she has so much as opened up to someone, another has always fed it back to the group. they’re all guilty of gossiping but when it’s constantly turned on her and her so-called behaviour (of partying too much and still acting like she’s in her twenties), people start to get vicious with it.

she doesn’t feel like anything has really changed for her and she has still to take the leap and cut her mother out. however, that’s a scary thing for her.

extras:

she considers herself as pansexual/demi-romantic as she falls in love with people, not anything else but she’s only had a few serious relationship.

due to her upbringing, she can come across as entitled as she just expects things and doesn’t even realise she’s doing it.

she really does believe that everything can be sorted with a cup of tea and a charity benefit gala, yes, she’s that bitch.

[neeterloveschenford]

Thoughts on RNM 2x11

OMG OMG OMG OMG!!! This episode made me so happy! I feel like we are really ramping up now. We are getting into the meat of the story now. Things are coming together. Too bad we had to wait till around episode 9 for it to get into gear. (Stop being salty Dawnita.) Anyway, let’s get to it and dive right in.

Things I Liked:

- Interesting to see the flashbacks of Liz and Diego. I think she really loved him. But I feel like they just had too many differences in their upbringing to really understand each other. Yes, Max has his own white privilege issues, but he grew up in an environment where he at least saw the crap around him. 

- Ooooh! Max knows Liz is lying! Don’t lie to your boyfriend about his bosses whereabouts Elizabeth

- Isobel get it! I’d hang onto Diego’s hand too baby! Such a pretty man.

- Diego, you are a pretty pretty man. But you are trying awful hard to find out what Liz is working on.

- I like Kyle and Max working together. Taylor Swift drag night at Planet 7 seems like it would be a good time!

- Hahahahaha! Yes, Kyle, Max does smell like rain. You know, I could actually get behind a Kyle/Liz/Max poly relationship. Just do that and we can forget about the episode that shall not be named.

- I really like the relationship with Rosa and Isobel. I can even get behind a relationship between them. Not right now since Rosa is still only nineteen. But further down the line, absolutely. For now I’m loving their friendship. Rosa wanting to show Isobel her memory of her mother to help Isobel process her feelings about her own mother was so sweet. I hope they take their time and really build a solid foundation for them whether they remain friends or become something more.

- Diego said that Generex doesn’t have to worry about red tape because of whoever is funding them. PS or DS maybe?

- Grant Green! (Or was it Graham? I get them confused tbh.) 

- Finally a little conflict in Echo. They have always been a little too perfect and star-crossed for me. Do I ship them? Yeah. But they haven’t had any internal conflict since she forgave him for covering up Rosa’s murder. They have some serious issues that have needed to be addressed.

- Liz laying down the law to those ICE pricks was a thing of beauty.

-And now for the Malexness of it all! Guess we finally have the answer to isn’t there anyone you’d do everything to save question!

- Michael finally getting to confront Jesse was glorious! I fell in love with your son. Not I used to love your son. Looks like we are leaving the past tense in the past.

- Michael’s dreams for him and Alex. Breaking my heart baby!

- He never looked away. We all knew it. And so did Jesse and Flint. They knew the only person Michael would do anything for was Alex. Just like taking Jenna was the way to get to Charlie, Alex will always be the most important thing in Michael’s life. He will do anything to protect him. (Just like Alex will do anything to protect Michael.) I cannot wait for them to realize this about each other.

- How awesome was Michael using his powers on Jesse and Flint. I loved it. 

- So Helena’s a part of the conspiracy. A little weird, but I’ll roll with it. For someone who’s been away for years, she sure knows what buttons to push with Michael. All you really need to do is spend 30 seconds in the same room as Malex to know this though.

Things I Didn’t Like:

- Flint is straight up cray cray. Like off his rocker insane. Wow Jesse really messed his kids up.

- Jesse is a lying sack of shit that was going to murder my sweet baby Alex. 

- I’m still not sure on the Helena twist.

- I think Diego is either going to try to steal Liz’s research or he is in on the whole thing. He’s pushing REALLY hard to get Liz to work with him.

- Alex is not past you Michael! (God, will these two ever just talk about the way they feel?)

- I still don’t like Steph. Sorry, not sorry.

Random Thoughts and Speculations:

- So this definitely made me think I am not a fool for keeping the faith for Malex. Michael’s fear and rage over Alex missing was balm to my soul. Michael loves Alex until the end of time. I think this will be the catalyst to make them push forward.

- So we know from the ring that Forrest is part of DS. Now that we know Jesse and Flint are still the worst, it makes me think that DS was what the government rolled PS into when they shut it down. I think that Jesse didn’t get as big a role in it than he thought he deserved, so that’s why he kept PS alive. I think Forrest is a plant that either Jesse or Flint brought in. He’s too perfect in that he’s basically who Alex would have become if he hadn’t joined the Air Force. Do I think that Forrest is altogether bad? No. I think he will probably turn into an ally for the gang. But I think once Alex learns of his involvement, he will not have a relationship with him.

- I’m guessing Jim brought Helena into PS back when they were involved. 

- I really need Maria to realize the lengths Michael will go to to save Alex. I just need it.

- I also need Alex to tell Michael to let him handle his family and Michael to yell at him “But you are my family!” 

- I think the breakup mentioned in the season 3 synopsis will be Echo. I think Max will walk away because he won’t be able to trust Liz. 

So that’s it for this week. I really hope and pray everyone is staying safe right now. I hope everyone has a wonderful week. Till next week my lovelies!!

[johannas-motivational-insults]

You really didn’t think that one through, did you, Adora?

Like for starters, it’s not any safer for Adora to leave Catra behind than to bring her along - either way, Catra’s going to be punished for Adora’s actions if Shadow Weaver finds out. She’s the scapegoat/whipping girl, that’s how things work. And if Shadow Weaver finds out while Adora is still gone, then Catra’s stuck dealing with her alone, which is even more terrifying. That’s why Catra says, “Then I guess she let us both down,” regarding Adora leaving. Because Shadow Weaver is correct, Catra’s lying about Adora not telling her she was leaving and where she was going, but Adora not getting back on time and landing Catra in trouble is letting her down in another way.

Then Adora’s decision not to return to the Fright Zone even when Catra spells out that Shadow Weaver will hurt her if she comes back empty-handed... I will elaborate below, but suffice it to say, this is definitely letting Catra get in trouble for her actions. This is obviously a complex decision and Adora is going through a lot at the time, but if Catra’s safety was really her priority, she'd find another solution.

Quite honestly, Catra is suuuuper lucky that Hordak reacts the way he does when Shadow Weaver brings her to him, because if Shadow Weaver had her way she would be punished horribly. It’s actually a little sad to think about, because if Hordak had punished Catra instead of promoting her she probably would have left the Horde if she’d had another chance, and this would be a very different story. But I think Hordak recognized her thirst for validation and used that to his advantage. Anyway, that’s a little off topic, perhaps a discussion for another day.

More meta re. the Catradora confrontation in Thaymor under the cut!

Look, I love Adora. I really do. She is a very likeable character, in a lot of ways, and I appreciate and relate to her drive to do ‘the right thing’. But sometimes she can be a little boneheaded/shortsighted, and a lot of that seems to stem from her not recognizing her own privilege and how unfairly Catra is treated in comparison.

Obviously Adora was not wrong to leave the Horde, but I do take issue with how she left. When watching the confrontation in 1x02 initially I could see both sides - in fact, in certain places I was a little more on Adora’s side. But with the added context of the rest of the season (especially 1x11), Adora’s refusal to come back to the Fright Zone feels less heroic and more irresponsible.

At first she says she’ll only come if the Horde leaves Thaymor alone, which is a perfectly reasonable deal. She’s what they came looking for, so with the mission objective accomplished Catra could easily call off the attack. But then after a little more discussion she changes her tune and says she won’t come back at all. That shift seemed to occur because of this exchange:

“I’m saying this is wrong. They’ve been lying to us, manipulating us, Hordak, Shadow Weaver, all of them!”

“Duh! Did you just figure that out?”

Sadly, there’s a miscommunication here that results in Adora deciding to leave the Horde with or without Catra. Adora seems to interpret Catra’s flippant response to mean that she knows the Horde as a whole is evil and she doesn’t care. But what Catra’s really saying is she knows the people who raised them aren’t good people and it’s insulting that Adora never realized this before, considering the way they treated her. Then Adora asks Catra how she can be okay with that... and Adora means “How can you be okay with working for evil people?” while Catra thinks she means “How can you tolerate being treated that way?” So to Adora, Catra’s answer that it doesn’t matter because they look out for each other and they will be in charge soon sounds terrible, like she’s saying she just wants to rule the world. But what Catra means is that it’s okay because she won’t be treated that way forever, and besides, she has Adora and that makes everything more tolerable.

When you think about it, this miscommunication makes sense, because they are ultimately focusing on different things. Adora is driven by her moral compass and Catra is driven by her need for safety, something Adora doesn’t have to worry about. Though Adora’s upbringing was also not great, she had a certain amount of privilege that allowed her to care about stuff like doing the right thing. All Catra could really worry about was avoiding Shadow Weaver’s wrath, protecting herself and protecting Adora. And why would she worry about anything else? Adora was all she had, the only person who was ever kind to her and gave her a reason to care about her.

In Adora’s defense, when she says she’s not going back she immediately offers to bring Catra with her. And Catra should have gone with her, that much is certainly on her shoulders. I think she rejected that olive branch for two reasons: 1) As many posts have gone into, it probably felt awful to her that Adora suddenly cared about protecting people being abused by the Horde after doing very little to protect her from the Horde’s abuse for all these years. 2) She was finally getting to be the hero and rescue Adora for once after usually being relegated to sidekick, and Adora not only refused her help, she told her what she was doing was wrong. I understand Catra’s indignation over this, as much as I hate to admit it. She is a very prideful person but also extremely insecure after all these years of being told she is worthless and will never amount to anything. Having Adora of all people shoot her down when she feels she’s proving Shadow Weaver wrong is a huge slap in the face.

I think Catra probably would have been happy to leave the Horde under different circumstances, like if Adora had suggested they run away because of the way Catra was being treated. But Adora’s not running away with her, she’s running away for other reasons and saying she can come if she wants, almost as an afterthought. It’s not like she says, “I want to leave, but I won’t leave without you.” This leaves Catra grappling with the realization that she doesn’t mean as much to Adora as Adora means to her (or at least it feels that way to her), and that Adora does not take their promise to protect each other as seriously as she does. When she expresses her hurt and frustration that Adora would throw away “everything” (their friendship, their history, their promise) for some people she just met, Adora doesn’t understand and turns her back on her, literally and figuratively.

And that brings us to the super uncomfortable part. Catra shocking Adora is not great. Really, really not great. But, she doesn’t do that until Adora says she’s not coming back no matter what and turns to leave her behind. At that point it’s either hurt Adora or come back empty-handed and face Shadow Weaver’s wrath. On first watch I thought it was horrible that Catra did that, because it seemed like she was primarily doing it out of anger. But after watching the rest of the season, I get it. There is an anger component and that’s obviously a problem, but she’s also trying to save herself, as she expresses when Adora asks her why she’s doing this.

This is the part where I really start to get annoyed with Adora, knowing everything we learn as the season progresses. Her best friend is all but begging her to come back not only because she misses her, but because her very life could depend on it. Has Adora really forgotten that Shadow Weaver basically threatened Catra’s life when they were children and said Catra was only being kept around because of Adora? With Adora gone, Shadow Weaver loses any motivation to tolerate Catra at all, and Catra loses any protection she has (as Lonnie so kindly points out in 1x03). These aren’t difficult pieces to put together, if Adora has been paying any attention.

To be fair, Glimmer and Bow come and snap Adora up before she has a chance to respond in the moment, but she still has a choice after that, when Glimmer gives her the sword: turn into She-Ra and destroy the Horde squadron, or go back to Catra and agree to return with her, once again insisting that they leave Thaymor alone. She managed to escape the Fright Zone twice already, so clearly she could find a way out with Catra later after convincing her to come with her. Either way, everyone has been evacuated from the town already and Adora just has to decide how to get the Horde to leave. Obviously the She-Ra option is more “heroic” and dramatic and it makes a moral statement that she stands against the Horde, but destroying the squadron only takes things from bad to worse for Catra, and Adora really should recognize that. At that point Catra should leave the Horde just to protect herself from the consequences of this failure, and it’s not very clear why she doesn’t. Maybe it’s simply because she feels she can’t trust Adora anymore, and she certainly can’t trust the people Adora has aligned herself with.

Ultimately, the reason Adora’s actions in Thaymor bother me is because she chooses to prioritize a rather intangible thing - her morals - over her best friend’s safety, which is very, very tangible. Adora knows how Shadow Weaver treats Catra. She is quick to jump to the defense of complete strangers after years of largely turning a blind eye to Catra’s unfair treatment, and in the end she refuses Catra’s rescue attempt and abandons her to the mercy of Shadow Weaver. Obviously Catra does some problematic things in Thaymor too, but the stakes are much different for her, and Adora doesn’t realize that and therefore misinterprets her words and actions because, well, privilege is blind.

[literaphobe]

like the thing is... and i don’t exactly consider this a “hot take” bc it’s not anything that i desperately want but... i feel like tahani and jason would make a pretty good couple?

obviously like. canon lesbian tahani is a thing i would like very much. canon tahani x eleanor is also a thing i would like very much but the thing is i feel like mike schur is not intending on doing that ever at any point (i don’t trust him to) and he’s just going to continue on having eleanor make random passing sexual comments about women (basically: The Male Gaze but said by a woman) and like. continue writing tahani as “straight”. 

so moving on: like in the beginning, it almost made no sense when tahani and jason hooked up, he was nice to her, they bonded, they were nice to each other, but also they didn’t seem compatible, especially intellectually, because a large portion of their conversations was tahani saying something and jason completely misinterpreting it bc! dumb! or jason just saying something dumb and tahani being confused or horrified by it. which honestly... i blame mike schur for because jason (and tahani, to an extent) came off as mere caricatures of certain traits (namely, Stupid and Vain, respectively) rather than... well developed nuanced people. 

while i still don’t think their characters are as well developed as they deserve to be, there has been interesting occurrences over the seasons, such as:

attraction, to an extent. “gosh, you’re pretty.” “no, you’re pretty. pretty beautiful.” (this could easily also be interpreted as comp het attraction on tahani’s part, since she called him pretty, but also, it’s plenty valid to be attracted to men and call them pretty instead of handsome because literally nothing matters, and we’re trying to accommodate a world where we’ll never get lesbian tahani so please bear with me) 

them bonding. tahani remembers stories that jason tells her, meaning she cares enough about the things he says (even if they’re stupid!! i feel like a good thing about tahani’s arc is her overcoming the biases she’s developed in her privileged upbringing and learning that there’s absolutely nothing wrong about jason being “lower class”) and his experiences to recall them and bring them up, such as when she found out donkey doug is jason’s dad and brought up a story he once told about his dad getting banned from disneyworld for biting buzz lightyear. there’s also that first moment where jason made tahani feel better and reassured her that she was amazing and wonderful and should be nicer to herself and i feel that jason does that for her more than any other character. she’s also told him that she feels like she can “let her hair down” and truly be herself around him, and honestly... that’s not nothing? 

they care about each other and treat each other so well! jason took tahani home and literally slept in a dumpster and all he had to say about the incident was that he had so much fun getting to know her? and tahani was really worried about him sleeping in a dumpster!! there was also the thing with her volunteering to watch football with him and like yeah she wanted to bang him and she didn’t care about football but also the fact that the intention to bang was there actually contributes to my argument 

they learn from each other. jason taught tahani more about how to be generous with money, whilst still having fun with it and also respecting others in the process. “you don’t have to say the ‘are you poor’ part” “right.” and she felt so strongly about his struggles with money that she literally married him so that he would never have to worry about money ever again like when will a super hot rich lady marry me so i can have financial security that’s like the sexiest thing ever. literally there is barely anything truly toxic about their relationship (nothing they can’t fix) they literally are happy to spend time with each other (and that could be platonic or romantic! but for the sake of this argument yadda yadda yadda) and i haven’t seen them fight in the s3 timeline and literally the only negative feelings tahani has ever had towards jason (mostly in s1 if i’m being honest) was based on her biases against people who are Simple (which isn’t all there is to jason! the reason why their relationship fell apart at first was because they truly did not know each other all that well and they were underdeveloped as characters) 

they are... both hot. “you’re both so attractive. are all humans as attractive as you two?” [tahani laughing] “no.” and honestly i just feel like an interracial couple that doesn’t involve white people is a good thing (as much as i love janet she’s a white-passing robot who just knows everything in the universe and her relationship with jason especially given the current season timeline seems to largely involve her being blindly obsessed with jason so how is that a basis for a good healthy relationship she’s not human AND jason hasn’t interacted with her much in this current timeline aside from asking her art prices in a museum PLUS he’s said he doesn’t know how he feels about her despite finding out she’s literally in love with him and honestly to me that just feels like he currently doesn’t have feelings for her at all and like. that can happen. not everything remains the same across literal different timelines. also debating why a human and a robot should date is just not on the cards today) and it deserves to be developed 

tl;dr if the good place insists on tahani only shagging men and never women forever i’d rather that man be jason thanks 

[sally-mun]

I was interested in writing some bits about the parents of Archie Sonic tonight, but tbh I’m too damn tired for everything I was thinking about (it’s been a week). I’m still in the mood to ramble, though, so I’ll just focus on one character for tonight since we were talking about him anyway.

When Elias first hit the scene, I haaaaated him -- largely because he was a very obvious Sally replacement. Quite frankly I was offended that this guy literally strolled in out of nowhere and was going to take the birthright that Sally had spent her entire life preparing herself for. In retrospect, however, I now realize that there’s another glaringly obvious reason that I didn’t like him but didn’t realize at the time: Elias Acorn, at the point of introduction, was an enormous douchebag.

Looking at the pages @thankskenpenders has been posting today, it’s especially obvious that his initial conception was much hoitier and toitier than the Elias that would eventually earn an enormous fan following. He has such a pompous air about him and quite literally looks down his nose at people in half the panels featuring him. It was bad enough that someone had swooped in out of nowhere to take over Sally’s role, but that it was this guy?

THIS FUCKING GUY?!?

Yeah, I wasn’t having it.

SO IMAGINE MY SHOCK SEVERAL YEARS LATER when I did eventually get sucked back into the comics and found myself genuinely enjoying Elias’ presence. Not only that, the more issues I saw him in, the more I looked forward to his next appearance. His portrayal now came across far less entitled and much more emotionally invested in having to do hard work -- basically, a sharp 180 from his arrival. Even his body language, such as the way he carried himself and how his face emoted, had changed drastically since that first introduction.

Now granted, a lot of this infusion of personality and emotion has to do with the artist, but it’s also the writing, He was given a distinct identity outside of “I’m the long-lost prince and I’m going to be king!” and his own motivations. Of all of the characters that were forcibly injected into the central cast of the comics, he ended up finding a role that not only needed to be filled, but it stepped on far fewer toes that anyone could’ve ever guessed.

Of course, this leaves us with quite a big disparity just within a single character -- and it’s not the result of a character arc. Elias’ evolution had nothing to do with the story and his growth as a person, but rather with the competence level of those handling him. It’s the sort of thing that can throw an enormous wrench into the fandom, as there are some fans that refuse to ever forgive a character for their past no matter how much their portrayal improves.

Well, I’m not one of those people, but I’m also not the sort of person that’ll just eat whatever slop is dumped in front of me. I want Elias’ wonky evolution to make some degree of sense, soooo I came up with a head canon to explain it: In the beginning, I think Elias was more or less copying Max, because he had absolutely no idea how he was “supposed” to act. After all, he’d been raised completely outside of anything resembling the monarchy, so he didn’t exactly have royal protocols, customs, or manners hammered into him the way the rest of his family would. Not only that, but the upbringing he DID receive was courtesy of the Brotherhood -- a group that raises its children primarily outdoors, with a focus on survival skills and reading nature. When he was abruptly summoned and brought ‘home’ by King Max, Elias was about as far out of his element as you could possibly get him. He was meeting all these people (including his father) for the first time, and everyone was suddenly expecting him to take control and lead them. What’s a hapless hillbilly to do in that sort of situation??

I’ll tell you what he does: He uses the survival skills the Brotherhood taught him and he adapts. What’s the first tool of surviving in an unfamiliar environment? Mimicking those that do understand it. King Max wants him to take over in his place, so, naturally Elias is going to start copying Max in the hopes that he can fit the role and be successful.

Of course, after a while the environment becomes more familiar, and he gets to know his new peers, and he becomes more comfortable in this sort of setting. As a result, he has less and less of a need to “act” like a king, and instead he can simply be the king -- the kind of king HE sees fit to be, even when Max disapproves. I can’t imagine early Elias EVER doing anything to defy Max, because he’s so lost and vulnerable at that time that he needs Max’s approval in order to get by. Once that becomes less important to him, however, he’s far more able to be himself.

Something else that gets in the way of Elias being able to copy his father forever is, well, the fact that King Max spends a very, very long time being a bitchy old prick. There was going to be a time limit on Elias modeling himself after him anyway, but would YOU want to keep modeling your behavior after someone that’s clearly abusive to the people under his control? I think it’s safe to say Elias has a strong respect for authority (having been raised by the BH and all), but he’s also got a strong sense of justice, and watching his father treat people like garbage would only solidify his resolve not to be that type of king himself.

Also, as a side note, I think it’s telling that when Elias ran off for a while, the place he ran to was Feral Forest -- aka an environment very much like the one he’d been raised in. I have to believe that being pulled from his real home to his ‘real’ home so suddenly, and then having to put on a performance day in and day out, really beat him down after a while, and he needed to get back to his roots to recharge and figure out what HE wanted, and who HE wanted to be, rather than letting Max turn him into something he wasn’t (and didn’t want to be). The fact that he ended up with Megan following this incident is pretty strong evidence that this was the point where Elias decided that he needed to stick to his own morals, because it’s unambiguously established later on that Max does not approve of his relationship and the child he’s rearing.

Personally, I think Elias has some strong resentments against Max, for various reasons. First and foremost, I think it rubs him the wrong way that Max just kind of showed up out of nowhere and wanted to be his father -- or rather, he wanted the privileges that came with being his father without actually being his father. I wouldn’t be surprised if Elias sees him more like a stepdad, and as we all know, there’s a lot of friction to be had when a stepparent starts trying to lay down rules and enforce discipline. Elias has respect for Max, sure, but it’s more in the form of respecting the authority of his rank; when it comes to respecting Max as a person, Elias has... opinions. He may not necessarily voice them, again out of respect for Max’s higher rank, but he definitely has... opinions.

SO YEAH. That’s just something that was on my mind tonight, among other things. I hope you all enjoyed this episode of Sally-mun Runs Her Mouth in the Middle of the Night.

[janiedean]

Ok I need to know your thoughts about this Green Book mess

... pray for me anon XD

anyway, never mind that my general thought is that I’m really sad the mule didn’t compete this round because then it’d have deserved all the awards hands down........

tldr: the fact that people are outraged is the proof that tumblr at large can’t recognize classism when it hits you in the face.

in longer words: 95% of the hot takes I’m reading are Patently False And It Shoes People Haven’t Seen That Movie.

in much longer words: counting that I haven’t seen all the nominees but I did see both blakkk/lansman (which from now will be BKKK) and blackpanther and green book (and borap but that one wasn’t gonna win best movie anyway so) and I guess that is where the crux is, so, in order.

bkkk was obviously the best movie of the lot quality speaking. in an ideal world, it would have one. except that bkkk is a movie that’s heavily political and if y’all think that the oscars would give a prize to the heavily political movie that directly criticizes the administration in power then y’all missed the part where that’s not what happens at the oscars. last time it happened it was 1978 and the deer hunter won and I still don’t know wtf was the jury’s state of grace at that point, but in 1980 they had apocalypse now in the list and kramer vs kramer won. like. guys. if you have APOCALYPSE NOW on the list and anything else wins in the major categories then you’re a joke. and tbh it surprises me that spike l/ee is still hoping he might snag a major win that’s not for screenplay with these parameters - they’re not gonna go there. hasn’t happened since ‘78. come on;

bp was not a best movie flick. like, guys: it’s not even the best mcu film around as far as I’m concerned and while it most likely deserved the technical awards..... seriously? like. if neither GB nor bkkk won then any other movie on the list had better shots than bp. I can’t even think people seriously assume it was best movie material or ON PAR WITH BKKK as in, ‘if bkkk doesn’t win then THAT ONE should have won’. like, no;

now: green book was a *safe* pick in the sense that it wasn’t as heavy-handed as bkkk when it came to be political so it was the perfect choice if they wanted to go like ‘oh hey see we gave the award to the movie about racism without giving it to the one raising the middle finger to donald trump’, but differently from moon/light (which according to me was the most political political win of the last ten years like guys sorry that movie was nowhere near as good as people said back then and I found it incredibly overrated, and before you tell me that it’s because I didn’t understand it: exactly the point. the wire is one of my fave shows ever and it tacked all the things moon/light tried to except that it did it vastly better and I actually got it for how well it was written, moon/light completely failed in that sense and I’m glad if it was a good movie for the people it was directed to but it didn’t engage beyond that target imvho but never mind that) it actually tackled very well a series of issues I never see discussed in US cinema when it comes to *racism-themed* movies and I thought it was a really well-made movie that nailed a lot of things especially when it came to how classism and racism interject themselves in the discourse and how you don’t get out of discarding one of them so easily.

specifically, with SPOILERS FROM THE MOVIE under the cut SO GO AHEAD AT WILL OR NOT:

now: all the posts ‘this is the usual movie about the white guy who gets the black friend’ already are obviously from people who haven’t seen it because they missed the basic point, as in: that the white guy is poor and uneducated and isn’t *racist* because he’s a terrible person, he is out of ignorance and not knowing any better BUT at the same time he’s not so narrow-minded that he doesn’t have fairly forward opinions on other -isms (see THAT REVEAL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MOVIE after which he goes like ‘I’ve been a bouncer in most of new york’s night clubs do you think I mind that thing’ which is a thing the audience wouldn’t have thought since italian-american men from the 50s/60s notoriously came from a fairly -PHOBIC culture in that specific sense), and that the guy being italian-american ie a *white* category that back then did not have *white privilege* put him in a lower class position than the black guy;

on the other side, it was spelled that the black guy’s issue was the contrary in the sense that he’s rich, he’s cultured, he speaks five languages, he’s not a stereotype��and since people want stereotypes or expect them, he can’t seem to please either side and feels alienated from both, which I think is a discourse that should be way more relevant in a website where people talk all the time about people of color not being stereotypes and so on;

like the entire fucking point of that movie is that white guy overcomes his racism unlearning his ignorance and black guy has a few realizations about how classism works and reconnects with his heritage throughout the entire thing;

and the fact that it was the black guy explaining the white guy how to write the poetic love letters without grammar mistakes and got him to appreciate finer things in life while the white guy helped him get down to earth (which he plot-wise definitely needed - he was unhappy af before XD) *and* at the same time the movie never fucking forgot that skin color > money when it comes to systematical racism in the south (ie the scene where they get stopped by the southern policeman and white guy punches him bc he basically told him that being italian-american was being half-the-n-word and black guy tells him ‘yeah well I handled that my entire life you could deal with it once’ was FAIRLY DAMNED OBVIOUS even if it also showed that it’s Not How Things Should Go) was imvo a very good narrative choice/balancing;

also, I was really appreciating that scene where don asks tony (a guy who has no idea who orpheus is and thinks orpheus and eurydice is about orphans) to shorten his name because vallelunga is too difficult to pronounce and tony’s like ‘if the people you play for are so cultured they can learn to pronounce my name properly’ because like guys that’s a thing that happens with all non-anglophone names and seeing it come from someone who hasn’t had an education but doesn’t want to be *made better* because that doesn’t make them unworthy and then only accepts help when he wants it and doesn’t come from a position of ‘you need to look more presentable’ but from ‘I want to make your life better’ was really fucking nice excuse me, because it *did* make a point about how not being formally educated means that people are considered lesser when they shouldn’t have to fight for it, and I thought that the class-switch in there was a really great idea;

anyway nvm my specific opinions about specific scenes, the point is: green book is not heavy-handed and admittedly is a lot more sugary than BKKK and has the feel-good ending that makes it palatable for easy wins, but the content is fucking everything but sugary or devoid of discussing Serious Issues that I almost never see tackled in this kind of US movie and if people actually wanted to watch a movie that sees the subject counting that class relations exist, that some -isms are culturally learned and can be overcome, that money counts when we’re discussing how people are treated in the US, the *earned whiteness* concept (because tony is *white* but hasn’t *earned whiteness* and it’s plenty damned obvious) and that class relations are not automatically clear-cut *especially in the US* then green book is an absolutely valid choice. and like...... it wasn’t white saviorism in the sense that WHITE GUY GETS REDEEMED AND BECOMES UN-RACIST, it’s about two people growing and learning from each other and the fact that tony’s racism is tied to a) upbringing while being poor b) not literally knowing any better but that it doesn’t really take that much for him to see that his opinions are wrong when usually it’s poor black person vs rich white person, and actually that’s why I thought calling it reverse driving miss daisy was reaaaally not getting the point, so if people actually saw the damned movie before deciding it’s terrible that’d be nice;

I also think sp/ike lee was beyond rude in his, er, reactions to GB’s win, but then again... listen guys I love the man’s movies but since that time he went like ‘clint eastwood can’t make movies about charlie parker’ (??) and dismissed the italian partisans’s associations complains about what he did in miracle in st. anna (a movie I did actually really like but they were right about him villainizing the resistence when he could have not) with basically I DON’T CARE THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE ISSUES WITH HOW I, AN AMERICAN, DEPICTED A FAIRLY IMPORTANT PIECE OF ITALIAN HISTORY... like he needs to chill and to realize that there’s a thing called losing with grace and he’s not doing it.

tldr: bkkk imvo deserved to win way more and tbqh if I was spike I’d complain about bp having gotten more awards than his movie when bp really is the safest choice ever if we wanna talk about politics win, and I can agree that GB was a political choice, but it was not a bad political choice nor a racist one and actually it raised a lot of issues that I’d like to see explored more in movies because they usually aren’t. on top of that I thought mahershala ali’s performance in gb was fucking stellar and definitely was miles better than his part in moonlight (but like... bc he was in moonlight for TWENTY MINUTES, he was co-lead here) and I’m honestly baffled that when he won for moonlight there were gifsets everywhere and here there aren’t when this role was WAY better and more nuanced and with more to chew, never mind that again, he deserved it just for the speech under the rain I was discussing before. but like..... of course we’re all ignoring it??

also: I’m really laughing that tumblr as a whole is crying about GB winning when until two days ago bkkk was the worst thing ever because adam dr/iver starred in it and OMG OF COURSE HE WAS CHOSEN TO PLAY THE KKK MEMBER BECAUSE HE REALLY IS RACIST [lmao as if spike l/ee would work with a really racist person] and no one on this website gave a single fuck about it when it came out except for adam dr/iver fan blogs but now everyone is like OMG WHY DIDN’T BKKK WIN???!!!!! like guys you didn’t care about BKKK until a day ago and now I’m supposed to think you were rooting for it all along? when you all hated it because omg how dare they cast ky/lo ren in something where he’s not a bad guy? like we serious? come the fuck on, no one on here cared. and the fact that if blackpanther had won no one would say BKKK not winning = UTTERMOST CRIME just says all about how a film’s quality is judged around here. bye, I said my piece.