#( it was hard for me on the dislikeable person test because a lot of her answers are nuanced )

[sharp-teeth-and-archived]

Likeable person & dislikeable person test

* Cassie Roosevelt

[xiaq]

Hi, I have a bit of a personal question, so if you don’t want to answer this, I completely understand!! no hard feelings at all! long story short, I’m demisexual, and I just entered my first real relationship. My girlfriend lights me up inside in a way I’ve never experienced before, but being demi I have no sexual or romantic experience and I’m a little stressed about First Times. Do you have any tips on how to relax? Or at least how to be comfortable with that unfamiliar territory? Your little tidbits about your relationship with B really opened my eyes to my own situation, so I thought I’d maybe see if you had any tips for me. Thanks in advance!!

First: Congratulations! That's super exciting!

Second:

Talk 👏 to 👏 her👏 (!!!)

My partner and I talked A LOT before even the slightest hanky-ing of panky-ing occurred. (In fact, our first conversation about it consisted of me telling him I likely would not enjoy sex and wasn't willing to submit myself to things I did not enjoy anymore and him being like, "ok, no sex, then." Which gave me the time and inclination to feel things out further.) So, when I got to a place where I was like, "ok, conceptually, I do actually like the idea of physical intimacy with you, I'm just not sure I'll enjoy it in practice," we kept talking! I told him things I thought he should know about the past experiences I'd had that might color things we did. I told him about how anxious I was because this mattered in a way that was new and scary (because I was in real actual love and, as you might imagine, not handling it well). I let him ask questions and we made a plan to try things slowly in a low-stress, no-expectations kind of way. It was super valuable A. in making me feel like we were approaching an unfamiliar territory together rather than me entering it by myself and B. it apparently eased a lot of my partner's concern that he'd do something to hurt or scare me when he knew what was off-limits, what was ok, and what we'd need to figure out.

I'll be real with you. Our "first time" sucked. I was a nervous wreck. He called things only shortly after they'd started and was like, nope, time to cuddle and watch a movie instead. And the fact that we'd talked about this probably happening, and him confirming the initial promises he'd made that he wouldn't push me, and he wouldn't get mad if nothing sexual actually happened--that made me a lot less nervous during the next attempt. And each time was an improvement until things were, you know, better than I ever could have imagined. Fireworks. Rainbows. The whole 9 yards. It just took a lot of talking to get there.

Also, people seem to think that talking about sex-- test results, dislikes, preferences––is somehow not sexy. But I found it to be the opposite. 1. I love planning things. So knowing what "the plan" is ahead of time is very nice. 2. Talking about an action before trying it out can be... titillating. Let's say.

Anyway. Communicate! If she's as awesome as she sounds, she'll be honored and pleased to tackle the situation with you rather than being a part of the thing that's giving you anxiety.

[wishesunderthestars]

The King's Advisor // Ch. 1

Pairings: King!Yoongi x Advisor!reader

Summary: The king's advisor is the most crucial position in the kingdom, the king trusts her judgment and always listens to her opinions and advice. They are a formidable pair but behind closed doors, the king and his advisor bicker and throw back-handed insults at each other more often than not. The feelings of dislike are very much mutual. She is a champion at testing the King’s patience because she knows she is too valuable to his rule to face repercussions. So it’s bickering and sarcasm dripping from their lips–

Until war breaks out.

Genre: Angst, hurt/comfort

Word Count: 5.6k+

Warnings: war, injuries

“Well, that was stupid,” you said, leaning back on the chair and crossing your legs.

Yoongi, who had just closed the wooden doors of the council room, turned to look at you with raised eyebrows. The meeting of the King’s Council had just ended and it was just the two of you left inside.

“I beg your pardon?”

You huffed. “That boy isn’t ready to be a captain, he isn’t ready to be a lieutenant even. He doesn’t have the barest idea of how to lead, he can barely fight himself. The fact that his father used to be captain doesn't mean anything.”

“His family is one of the most influential in the kingdom, I couldn’t deny him the position,” Yoongi said. “I don’t want any disputes with them and there would have been a lot if I didn't promote him to his father’s position.”

You leaned your elbows on the long table. “You could have given him a smaller team, told him you would promote him to a larger one when he was ready. Would you trust him to lead a hundred men into a battle? Or defend a city? Because I wouldn’t.”

Yoongi stood opposite you. His long blond hair was pulled up into a neat topknot with a gold and black headband securing it in place. “His family wouldn’t be happy with that. They would question whether I trust them and whether they have done enough for the kingdom.”

“I, for one, don’t trust them,” you said. “They have been salivating after the throne for years, looking for higher and higher ranks in the military and positions in your council. If anyone ever tries to overthrow you, it will be them.”

Yoongi put his hands on the table, bending forward. “Don’t you think I know that? That’s why they don’t have a seat on my council and why you are here instead of their eldest son.”

“If their eldest son were in my place, you would already be dead,” you said getting up.

“Watch your tongue.” Yoongi gritted his teeth, a fire burning in his eyes. The day had been hard on him, he had been in meetings since the morning and he had several hours of sword fighting practice as well. It was easier to rile him up when he was tired and you were the only one who wouldn’t pay for it.

You got up and sauntered up to him. “And if I don’t? You know as well as I do that he won’t be a good captain. He isn’t ready for it and he might never be ready for it. His team will be a liability.”

“I know what I’m doing. An incompetent captain is better than a family with connections like a spiderweb planting words against me.”

“If I heard word of that, I would cut off their webs with silver scissors. They aren’t the only ones with connections,” you said. “Things are tense on our northern borders, we shouldn’t be treating military positions lightly.”

Yoongi narrowed his eyes, up close you could see the reflection of the candles in them. “The-”

A knock on the door interrupted him and you both turned to look. The door opened without any announcements or permission from the King. Namjoon walked inside, his short brown hair combed back, splashes of ink on his white sleeves, and a few papers in his hands. Namjoon was the only person other than you who could barge into the council room like this and face no repercussions.

He took one look at the two of you and closed the door behind him.

“What are you arguing about this time?" he asked. You rolled your eyes and Yoongi scoffed. "Forget it, I don't need to know. We have to go over these papers so get comfortable."

Wordlessly, Yoongi sat down on the chair at the head of the table and the two of you took the ones next to him. Namjoon had missed the meeting because of these papers so they had to be important.

You and Namjoon were the King's most trusted members of the Council. The three of you would often gather late at night or early in the morning to discuss matters of the kingdom and make the difficult decisions.

Namjoon was the son of one of the best warriors the kingdom had ever seen and it had been a surprise when Namjoon hadn't followed in his father's footsteps, choosing books and ink over sword and armor. He had soon become known for his smarts and his eloquent speech—he was the one who went over the King's speeches, putting into words what Yoongi couldn't—and had been easily granted a place in the King's Council. His friendship with the King had a lot of people doubting the decision but soon he proved that he belonged there as much as anyone else. More really.

Unlike Namjoon, you and Yoongi hadn't been friends at any point in your life that you could remember. Maybe when you had been too young to read or write and you were hiding behind your mother's skirts, but not since then. Your father had been the late King's advisor and as his only child, you had been prepared to take his place since you could pick up a pen. He and your mother didn't have any other children and the fact that you were a girl didn't deter them, none of the past King's advisors had been female but your father was determined you would be the first one.

You had spent days and nights over books guided by your father and the best teachers in the kingdom, the same ones teaching the future king. You would see each other occasionally but didn't exchange more than a few words. During your teenage years, your fathers deemed it wise for the two of you to share a few of your lessons, you needed to build trust between you if you were to work together in the future. Instead of friendship, a rivalry brewed. You didn't remember how it started but you couldn't forget how it continued. Exchanging jabs about who was the best at which lessons and who did better at tests. Glaring and provoking each other.

When his father passed on and Yoongi ascended to the throne, it was his time to choose his personal advisor. You had been training for the position all of your life but you were still surprised when he asked you, bearing the gift of a gold bracelet engraved with flowers and embellished with precious stones. The King had to base his decisions on many factors but the most important was trust. Trust to work towards a bright future for the kingdom. Trust to support him through everything.

You didn't ask him why he chose you, you didn't voice any of your questions about trust. For years, you worked together and it was almost like nothing had changed from your teen days.

Half of the candles had gone out by the time you had gone over all of the papers. Your eyes hurt and a headache was brewing behind your temples. Your usual late nights ended earlier than this.

Namjoon gathered the papers with clumsy movements. Yoongi had to catch one before it flew away after Namjoon shoved it off the table.

"I think I may fall asleep if I stay any longer," Namjoon said when all the papers were safely in his arms. You could relate to that. "I would recommend going to sleep now. Have a good night."

You echoed his words and he left. The door closing was the only sound in the dimly lit council room.

You rubbed your eyes and looked at the King. His hair was coming undone and it glinted like threads of gold in the candlelight. His sharp eyes were softer, the way they got at night when his walls weren't as high as the castle's.

"I will be going then," you said, getting up and smoothing down your dress. There was no reason to do it, no one other than the guards would see you at this time. It was more out of force of habit than anything else.

"Wait for a moment," Yoongi said. You stopped before you could move to the door. "The Lee boy will be trained under Hoseok. He will be answering to him and if anything goes wrong I trust Hoseok to make it right. I wouldn't jeopardize the safety of the kingdom."

"It still doesn't sit right with me," you said. You knew that Yoongi had the best interests of the kingdom in mind but that didn't mean you always agreed. More often than not, you didn't. "But that's enough for tonight. It's late and frankly, I'm too exhausted to debate about the Lees. We can talk more about this tomorrow."

Yoongi opened his mouth and closed it again. "Don't forget a lamp. Unless you want to walk in the dark."

"Of course," you muttered, annoyed that Yoongi had to remind you. The torches in the hallways would have gone out a long time ago. "I would have remembered to take one."

"I don't doubt it," Yoongi said,  smirking. Ignoring him, you picked up an oil lamp from the top of a large chest and tilted it close to one of the lit candles to share the flame. "Goodnight then."

"Goodnight, my king."

You saw his eyebrows twitch before leaving the room. He wasn't fond of his friends using his title to address him. You wouldn't exactly put yourself in that category but you didn't use his title when it was the two of you, you didn't use it in the council either. You would throw it out there occasionally just to see his reaction.

The guards were standing at attention on either side of the door, their hands on their long swords. They stared ahead as you walked down the empty corridor.

A few days later, you strolled into the private training grounds. It was a wide space surrounded by trees, right next to the gardens accessible only to the royal family. You were one of the few exceptions.

The continuous sound of metal clashing on metal rang in the otherwise silent place. The swords glinted and glimmered, reflecting the light of the midday sun. Yoongi and Hoseok were sparring, their movements so quick they were but a blur.

Yoongi's hair was pulled up in a tight knot and sweat was running down his face and his sculpted chest. His shirt was thrown aside, too much of a nuisance after what looked like several hours of practice. You had to swallow to ease the dryness in your throat.

You watched them—transfixed by their deadly dance—until the King's eyes locked with yours.  Others would have cowered at the power in his gaze but you held it steadily like you had done all your life. One second of distraction and Hoseok's sword touched his pale neck, a whisper away from drawing blood.

"And I win," Hoseok said. He turned around, his eyes falling on you, and he smiled as if he understood a joke. "I see. I guess I owe this one to you."

You grinned and walked closer to them. "I'm not sure about that. I think you would have won either way."

"You should join us more often then," Hoseok said.

It was a view you both dreaded and craved to get used to. You didn't make a habit of visiting the training grounds, the King's private ones, or the much larger common ones. The art of battle wasn't one you had delved into. Your father had taught you the basics of protecting yourself but your interest had stopped there. And although watching shirtless men training, wielding swords and bows, and sweating was appealing in theory, you found that the reality wasn't as satisfying.

That's what you reminded yourself and the heat swirling in your stomach.

"How much longer will you be in our company?" you asked Hoseok.

The situation in the North wasn't getting better. Soldiers from the neighboring kingdom had been breaching the borders for months, engaging in small-scale conflicts with your forces stationed there. This was clear as day provocation but you didn't want to go into war.

Hoseok would go along with his team to survey the state of affairs and send a report back.

"The day after tomorrow," he said, sheathing his sword. "It isn't a short trip and it would be for the best to arrive as soon as it is possible." He looked at you and Yoongi, who had turned away. "I will be leaving then. Go easy on him. He's tired," he told you. Yoongi shook his head in disbelief. "I hope we have a chance to catch up before I leave."

"I can always find some time for you," you said.

Hoseok's smile widened before bidding you goodbye and walking away, leaving you and Yoongi alone.

Yoongi gulped down the contents of his leather waterskin, his Adam's apple bobbing, shiny with sweat. "What are you doing here?"

"Am I not allowed?"

"That is not what I said." He put away his sword in its jeweled case and left it on a stone bench. "If you are here that means you were looking for me for something."

You didn't deny it, although it wasn't the complete truth either. There were plenty of matters pending to be discussed and there were about ten things you weren't seeing eye-to-eye and you had to reach an agreement on. Nothing new. But the reason you were there was none of those things.

You had gone on a walk to clear your head after a morning of socializing with some of the most important people in the kingdom and your feet had carried you to the royal gardens before you realized where you were going. Finding Yoongi and Hoseok wasn't your intention. But you weren't about to say that.

Yoongi crossed his arms and looked at you, awaiting an answer. Your eyes strayed to his bare arms and chest and you scolded yourself and pulled them back up in what you hoped was a subtle manner.

"Are you going to stay like this?" you asked.

Yoongi gazed down at himself and what could have been a smirk played at the edges of his lips. "Why? Is it bothering you? Have you not seen a man's body before?"

"Are you a child?" He knew very well the answer to that question. Hell, it wasn't the first time you were seeing him half-naked. That was one of the perks—or cons, depending on your viewpoint—of your job. "For a king, you forget about decency an awful lot."

"When have you cared about decency?"

He picked up his white shirt that had been carelessly thrown on the bench and wiped the sweat off his face and neck with it. You had to look away.

"Where have you been all day? You weren't in your office and you didn't attend tea."

"Were you disappointed?"

"On the contrary," you said sharply. "I was only wondering if you were alive."

He extended his arms to the sides. "As you can see I am very much alive. Sorry to disappoint. I was here."

"All morning?" you asked, not convinced.

The royal gardens weren't a place Yoongi visited often. You were more likely to find Namjoon here observing nature with a book in one hand. Yoongi hadn't displayed any fondness for the place other than the privacy it could offer but his rooms could offer the same privacy and he preferred them.

"I'm the King, can I not take a morning to myself?"

"It's because you're the King that you can't," you shot back. "Did you sign those papers I gave you?"

"I did."

"Did you read them or did you sign them blindly?"

"I read them." Yoongi walked to you until your faces were inches apart. "I read every single one of them. I don't do things halfway. Is that all?"

You raised your eyebrows. "Do you perhaps want more work? I can arrange for something. There is always more work to be done."

Yoongi scoffed and backed away. "You're impossible."

"Thank you, I try," you said. Your mood sobered as you remembered what had been swirling in your head for the past week. "A letter arrived ahead of the envoy from Harfush, they will be here in three days."

Yoongi's demeanor changed, his shoulders tensing. "We will be ready when they arrive. We have prepared for everything."

"Almost everything," you pointed out. "They are set on this. I know it. They have been pushing for months now and it has only been getting worse. This isn’t going to end with a talk with an envoy. They’re hoping to get land from us in exchange for stopping their attacks but that is only prolonging the inevitable.”

His eyes hardened. “If it comes to it then so be it. We are not giving them anything. We will fight and they will regret bringing the war to us.”

“I will hold you to that.”

The envoy arrived and you were proven right. They were after your northern lands, a large stretch of the kingdom. Yoongi told them in the most political way to go fuck themselves, which—to no one’s surprise—the delegation wasn’t pleased with. They left two days later with thinly-veiled threats of war.

Your kingdom hadn't seen war since the days Yoongi's great-grandfather was king. Peace was a fragile thing but Yoongi's father and grandfather had protected it like the most precious jewel in the realm despite the aggressions of their neighbors. But it had never got that bad. Petty thievery here and there, a few arrogant nobles that dreamed of war. The carefully balanced scales had tragically tipped during Yoongi's reign.

The turning had found you prepared. Your soldiers were many and had trained tirelessly with the cloud of war hanging above them.  Your numbers were fewer than the enemy’s but you had something they didn't. Fire. Pyres burning in your souls, stronger than forest fires. That was the gift of the people of Tinigris, the nation of the Tiger.

And so it was only a matter of time.

“What are you still doing here?”

Yoongi was standing over the large map of the continent. On it, figures like chess pieces were carefully arranged, depicting the bigger picture of the stationed troops—your own and the enemy’s.

Yoongi looked up at you, the light casting deep shadows on his face. His hair was falling in his eyes and underneath, dark half-moons were inked in his porcelain skin. "What does it look like?"

"Like you are exhausting yourself going over matters we have already discussed to great lengths when you should be resting."

Yoongi's eyes flashed with something unreadable in the flame of the candles. "The drums of war are at our doorstep, minutes away from spreading like an infection in our land. It is not the time for resting."

"If you want to be dead on your feet tomorrow when we will actually discuss strategy and diplomacy then by all means, it is not the time for resting. If you want to be able to participate in the conversation, I would advise you to go to sleep now."

His hands twitched on the table. "I am not the only one awake, am I?"

The truth was that you had laid in your bed, closed your eyes but sleep refused to come to you. You had tried and failed. Your room was too dark and restricting and you were too restless. You had dressed in a simple black velvet dress with a low neckline, which some of the older nobles would consider scandalous, threw a silky shawl over your shoulders that did nothing to keep you warm, and wandered into the long shadowed hallways.

You couldn't tell him any of that so instead you said, "No, you are not the only one."

The majority of the little soldiers were placed along the borders. Hoseok had sent back a letter confirming what you already knew. There was a war brewing in the North and there was no stopping it. You couldn't run away from the storm, you could only walk into it prepared.

Yoongi's hair wasn't done up in its usual style but he must have carelessly pulled it up himself. Several strands were framing his face and he wasn't wearing his headband. In the quiet madness of the night, he seemed almost vulnerable.

"Why do you speak to me about sleep when you are as awake as I am?" he asked.

"Because at least one of us should sleep," you said. "It will be a long day tomorrow and days will only get longer from here."

His gaze went back to the pieces on the board. "I know that if I go to my chambers, I will find no more peace than you did." The shadows seemed to grow longer on his face. "We have avoided war for years. All of our attempts have been in vain. I'm sending my people into a bloodbath."

"If there was anything more we could do, you know very well we would have done it," you said. "Your people know you don't want this war. We can't stand here while they attack our lands. If we don't fight back, they will raid the villages close to the borders. It will only get worse. Kill, take slaves, do unspeakable things. Blood will be spilled either way. The North is thirsty for it. Better for our people to die defending their homes than be slaughtered with their families at night, unaware."

Yoongi's jaw clenched. In his eyes, you saw the fire and you saw the tiger. "I won't let them. I will fight for them until my last breath. If the North wants blood they will have it. It will overflow."

Yoongi glowed brighter than any flame in the room. Fierce and alluring in the way a sword is, tempting you to cut your finger on the blade to test how sharp it is.

"I won't offer empty words, to you I never have," you said. "It will be hard and we can't know how long it will last. There will be death and there will be wounds that won't heal. But we won't back down. We are the descendants of fighters, of warriors of great deeds. We prospered in peace and we will thrive in war. We will hold the borders, we will hold them back. And I believe we will emerge victorious."

Yoongi reached for something behind him and upon placing them on the table, you realized they were two glasses and a bottle of wine. He poured a generous amount into each and extended one to you.

"Let's drink to that," he said.

"To victories," you said and your glasses clinked.

Everything moved on faster from them, a river getting more and more narrow and running faster and faster. Strategies—political and military—, estimations, gathering the troops, reaching out to allies, making plans. You weren't a great warrior but you had studied battle strategies for years and you viewed battlefields as chess boards. You were great at chess.

Nobles, soldiers, townsfolk, and villagers alike were talking about the war in hushed whispers. Everyone knew it was approaching, a black galloping horse, neighing and squealing. Letters were being exchanged swiftly with the troops on the northern borders, keeping you informed about the moves of the enemy. When war was officially declared, you had to be ready.

Tensions rose in the palace as they did between the two kingdoms. You could barely sleep. When you closed your eyes, you saw images of a red sky, swinging swords, disembodied limbs, and unseeing eyes. You saw destroyed villages and burned houses. They haunted even your dreams. Most nights, you spent in the council room with Yoongi, both of you restless. Sometimes you discussed strategies, sometimes you were quiet in each other's company, other times you fought the way you often did. Upon returning to your rooms, you were able to steal a few hours of sleep.

Time was but an illusion to you. Days blended into each other yet you were intensely aware of each one passing. You drowned in meetings with the council, late nights with the King, and dealing with the noble families—an art you had once upon a time mastered but was slipping through your fingers.

Tensions were rising in the palace. Yoongi was on edge, running from meeting to meeting until he was bound to burn out. Your patience was running thin.

And the King, most of all, was testing it.

"You can't ride at the front in the battle," you said, repeating yourself for what felt like the thousandth time. You were in his office with Namjoon, debating his stupid ideas. "If you are killed, the war is over. Who will be left to lead the soldiers? You have no heir, no brothers or sisters, no one to continue the line."

"Who will lead them then?" Yoongi asked ferociously. "Who will they follow if not their king? Hoseok will be by my side. We will protect each other."

You gripped the glass of wine tighter. You wanted to get up and pace but you wouldn't give him the satisfaction. "This isn't training. This is a real war, protecting each other won't guarantee that either of you are safe. You will be the main target the moment you step into the battlefield. Do you expect the king of Harfush to charge first into battle? To fight at all?"

"I'm nothing like him!" Yoongi said sharply. "I will not hide behind my soldiers while they fight my kingdom's battles! I refuse to cower in the camp like a coward."

"I'm not asking you to," you said, trying to keep your voice from rising. "I'm asking you not to run first into the battle and become an easy target. Do you know how easy it will be for them to shoot you with arrows?"

"She is right, you know," Namjoon said. He was sitting on the other chair in front of Yoongi's large wooden desk, bent over a few papers. What he was writing, you had no idea. Yoongi narrowed his eyes in betrayal. "You want to lead the charge, I understand that, it's the honorable thing to do but they aren't honorable. If you are dead, our people won't know who to follow. There will be chaos and Harfush will take advantage of that."

Yoongi got to his feet, it sounded like an earthquake. "What would you have me do then? I will fight! You can't hold me back from fighting for my kingdom!"

Silent words passed between you and Namjoon. Neither of you liked the idea but it was true that you couldn't stop Yoongi from fighting. You would have to tie him up to keep him in the camp.

You sipped on the wine, an action that seemed to only agitate Yoongi further. "You will fight. But not in the front lines and you won't have only Hoseok with you but your personal guard as well. The ones who are willing to lose their lives to save yours."

"Is that it?" Yoongi asked, something animalistic in his expression. It was coming closer to the surface the past few weeks, clawing and snarling. "Are you making all the decisions for the war? Deciding what is best for MY people?"

Namjoon paused his writing. "We are not making any decisions for you. We only want you to see reason. We are here to advice and guide you, not force your hand."

You held back a huff. "Riding first into battle is suicide. And who will lead YOUR people then? When you are no longer here to do it."

"Why don't you lead them since you seem to believe you can do it so much better?" he snarled. His hand struck the desk with a loud thump, papers, candles and glasses clattering. Namjoon steadied the ink bottle before it could spill and paint the room blue. You held yourself back from flinching.

The world stood still for a moment like it was holding its breath. Yoongi's lips parted. Quickly he pulled back his hand and looked away.

"I'm sorry," he said, gritting his teeth. "I let my temper get the best of me."

Your heartbeat was rising but you kept your voice steady. "I have no desire to lead, only to advise you. I can do nothing more. It isn't only your life on the line. It's the kingdom. Your life is more important than honor or your desire to prove you are a good king."

His jaw clenched. "I will think about it." A dismissal of the conversation. Namjoon went back to his papers and you rested back on the chair, your fingers drumming the tune of war on the arms.

The days grew smaller and the nights longer. Your blood was either freezing or burning. The songs in the court were lifeless, a front no one was believing anymore. Fewer people were good enough pretenders to sing and dance. Wine tasted dull on your tongue. Underneath everything, you were scheming.

War. It had turned from a whisper into a chant. It was the cold breath on your neck in the middle of the night, chilling you to the bone. But you were ready for it. As ready as someone could be for the cruelty humanity had created.

It didn't start with fire or a war cry. It started with a letter. A declaration of war sealed with the royal seal of Harfush.

The night before the King's departure, you and Yoongi met in the council room.

"You are not coming to the front," Yoongi said, thunder flashing in his face. "You are to stay here and rule in my stead. There is no place for you on the battlefield."

You stood your ground, you were used to Yoongi's dangerous looks that would have made anyone else cower. The candles burned around the council room like pyres in the night.

"I am no ruler," you said. "I am the King's advisor and I should be where the king is. Be it the Castle or the battlefield. I will go where you go."

Yoongi clenched his fists. "You are not coming to the front and that's the end. I need you here to take care of the kingdom while I'm gone."

"Namjoon is more than capable of taking care of the kingdom, the council listens to him more than they listen to me." Many in the council believed you were too young and too inexperienced to be the King's advisor. No one would say it in front of Yoongi but amongst themselves they whispered that he had chosen wrong. "You need me there," you continued. "I have studied battles all my life, I am one of the best war strategies you have. It would be foolish not to take advantage of that."

"I have studied battles all my life too and I will have my generals with me. Your place is here in the castle and that is where you will stay."

Anger licked your insides with tongues of fire. "Are you ordering me?" When he stayed silent, you went on. "Do you seriously believe they need me more here than on the front where our fate will be decided? You have always been the better fighter, I was never good at that, but when it comes to strategy, I was better and you know it. Let me be there for you, let me do what I'm meant to do. What is a King's Advisor without a king?"

"Don't." The power was gone from his voice, his head bent. "Stay here. The kingdom needs you."

"The kingdom needs to win and they need you. And I shall be by your side,” you said, not leaving him any chance to contradict you. “I won’t go into the battle, obviously. I will stay at the camp which will be protected and if they reach the camp, that means the war is over. It wouldn’t make a difference if I were there or in the castle. I would be doomed either way.”

“If we lose,” he said through gritted teeth as if it pained him to think about it. “You can escape the castle, go to another country, take Namjoon with you and start anew.”

You were fuming. “Would you run away if you had the chance? Would you escape if you were in my place? Take the coward’s way out?” He looked away. “I am not going anywhere.” Concealed in a pocket of your dress, you pulled out a blade as long as your hand and threw it on the table. “I would rather slit my neck with this blade than run away. I either do this here or at the camp. You choose.”

Yoongi stared at the blade. He was as tense as a tightrope. Watching him was like watching a forest fire. Until something crumbled or it could have been the tremble of the flames surrounding you. He drew back, pulling his eyes away.

“Don’t do it,” he muttered at last. “Stay here.”

“I can’t.”

“Do as you please then.”

Please comment and reblog it motivates me to keep writing

[eyeofnewtblog]

Things that happen at home:

So, husband had surgery on his hand today (related to the stroke he had on January Friday the 13th…can we all agree that while tragic and devastating and painful, this is also peak comedy and it’s really hard to keep a straight face with Serious Medical Professionals who are trying to give Important Medical Care Information)

Notable hilarity:

The nurses and doctors all have badges to get them through certain corridors. Once you are inside the hospital, they badge you through to certain areas. As part of their job, as part of the medical process, etc. They are focused on the patient, so if you just happen to be memorizing all the turns, they aren’t going to notice.

They also don’t get paid enough to stop you when you barge in randomly.

My husband’s surgery took two hours but they held him until the anesthesia wore off so my reasons for barging in were “he just got out of surgery and he needs his phone” (the phone did not get left with him, he was way too groggy for that) “I went home and brought the dog back with me, this is Zelda” (huge success, one nurse said it was a “great Halloween surprise”)

Got asked by a random woman how I made it past the doors, as she was in the same predicament (husband in the recovery ward) and I was like “just flag down someone who doesn’t get paid enough to care” and since I was currently holding the door open for her to “illegally” access her husband, she just did that whole face scrunch shrug thing of “I don’t want to or dislike breaking rules/medical advice, but I’m on a Husband Caregiver Mission, sooo…through the door it is.”

My husbands very drugged and groggy reaction to Zelda being there. Lots of “Oh, this is my baby. Have you met my baby? Hi baby!” He introduced the same nurse to the same dog 2.5 times. I stopped the third one halfway through because she was unhooking him from the machines and it was time for him to put his Real People Clothes back on.

Have you ever dressed your spouse while they are very very drugged and you are sober? Drunk counts.

Like, he knew it was me doing the dressing, but the conversation you have to have leading up to putting on a shirt…my siblings are so drastically younger than me that I Know How To Dress Another Person Efficiently…but having to explain to a drugged spouse that shirts go on first, sitting down, then ALSO SITTING DOWN underwear and pants get put on one leg at a time, and we pull them up together.

I think “don’t forget the fly, pull the fly up, I don’t wanna flash the nurses” has got to be my second favorite drugged up spouse line. He had full underwear, there was no risk of flashing.

My absolute favorite drugged up spouse line is when I barged into the recovery unit the first time (so no dog) and the nurse was like, “he’s still pretty out of it, it’s probably going to be another hour,”

And I’m not the best wife, okay, so in front of my drugged up husband who absolutely HATES having his blackheads or pimples popped, I say out loud “so, basically he can’t run away or fight me at all right now if I go after the blackheads on his face?”

And my husband swings his good arm at me vaguely and with zero force and says “NNgh! Fight. Nnnnnno.” And then sort of collapses and gives the nurse his giant puppy eyes and says “Don’ ledder. Plesss.”

And me and the nurse both look each other in the face and recognize that I’m really just testing how out of it he is and agreeing with her.

Also I started a frozen lasagna when I went back to get the dog…my recommendation going forward is that you should add at least a half hour onto your time if you want fresh food waiting for whatever patient you’re helping. Also it’s hard to juggle sides, so having lasagna and Texas toast with cheese shreds is…not ideal.

[the-words-we-sung]

Thoughts and pictures - S3E4

I've never been that slow with a Young Royals rewatch >< It's hard for me to get through this season (especially now that I'm in the last 3 episodes...)

And here we go, starting directly with a very sad Simon 😞 Omar plays a crying Simon way too well, it breaks my heart every damn time...

I like hearing Wilhelm call Simon his boyfriend 🥰 Also is it me, or do we have a lot more close up shots in season 3? (No clue if that's what it's called, I mean shots that are very zoomed in on their faces like this one.)

Vincent drawing a dick on the ground, of course... And I don't get his explanation: "why even try if there's no reward for the effort?". It means if the school closes, they all won't graduate and have to do their grade all over again? Surely if they're taking tests and all, it counts for something? Why fail an important test and take the risk to fail your year? 🤔 (Not gonna lie, most of Vincent's reactions to what's happening to the school this season left me quite perplexed ^^') And if it's just the graduation ceremony that is cancelled, it still doesn't mean they're not graduating, does it? 🤔

But can you really Simon?

And Wilhelm repeating his mother's words "it's a privilege, not a punishment" breaks my heart >< (Also I'm gonna be a little shit about it but even the Royals have a choice in the end about accepting or not their role and job: after all, Wille is gonna renounce it in 2 episodes :p)

I do like what he said about the role of the royal family in Sweden! We have very little information on that in the show so I appreciate it here. And he looks so pretty in this light!

Wilhelm sounded so surprised that Farima said yes immediately when he told her they needed to help Simon. He was expecting to have to fight them on that.

Why did he have to delete his whole account? Why not just put it on private? (I know I've read in several fanfics the idea that searching and deleting through all the new people who followed him before going on private would be too much of a hassle but I feel like it's a stretch, and an acceptable price to pay to keep his account?)

Their conversation about Wilhelm's choice of foundation makes me so so sad! I had hoped that he would see Simon's point of view on how he can use his role as Crown Prince to try and make things better! I was actually pretty surprised that he was 100% not interested. It's a new facet of Wilhelm's personality that we hadn't really seen before I guess? And it feels like it creates a serious gap between them, it shows that they're not on the same page at all about a pretty serious subject (which is not good for the future of their relationship...)

This shot of these 3 made me laugh :p

This one hurts... Another crack in their relationship 😩 Simon is realizing how different they are. He knew they were but this season is showing us a side of Wilhelm that just seems incompatible with Simon :/ It's not just differences in tastes or personality, now it's differences in their core values also. And that is a huge problem.

So we learn that Simon mostly avoided Micke for Sara's sake. Or maybe he's exaggerating that fact because he's really angry at her.

The sit-in scene is very funny, they're all so dramatic, thinking they might starve to death xD I didn't think that August's eating disorder would be confirmed this way! Also I guess Vincent does have ADHD then? It was not just an excuse to get pills.

"Because we are different?" Yeah... that's what this episode is really about, how different you both are. Which wouldn't be an issue for me if it was less about such important matters :/ I wish we had seen them learn more from each other this season, instead of being in conflict to much.

I agree with Felice that it's getting out of hand! (I still enjoy the whole thing though 😁). I don't dislike Stella as much as a lot of people seem to, but I don't like her in this scene and how she talks to Felice!

Cutest scene of the episode.

I adore this scene. It makes me want to cry. I love them both and I'm so happy that they're slowly finding their way back to each other <3

"Erik was there." This sceeeeene!! Such a punch in the face, so fucking terrible >< (So well acted also!!)

Another trauma for my poor boy...

So lots of mixed feelings with this episode! I'm very frustrated with Wilhelm and his reactions, but I love the Sara arc. I really like the end of the episode, with some very good scenes. But now I really don't wanna go watch the next one ><

[ace-oreos]

Dar Reads Lady Knight: Ch. 3

Finally back at it! This chapter covers a lot of ground considering it's fairly short, so I will probably have more to say than I did for the first two. As usual, commentary/favorite quotes are below the cut.

Love the Alanna and Neal moment on page 49... the whole "good question, next question" conversation. It would be super cool if we got a little short story of Neal's time as Alanna's squire. I can only imagine what that was like given their personalities.

"He said last night you're a bear for vegetables - Sir Nealan, that is" (pg. 50). Tobe's only been with Kel for a short time and Neal is already teaching him well, haha.

Cleon makes his entrance. I have to be honest, I'm happy with the decision Kel makes re: Cleon. She doesn't feel the same way she once did, and she knows it wouldn't be fair to either of them to try to continue the romance, Cleon's impending marriage aside. I was never a huge fan of Kel/Cleon, but I was glad Kel got to enjoy a healthy relationship while it lasted, considering how some of Alanna's relationships went.

"She didn't want Cleon as a lover now, of that she was sure. There was work to be done. She wanted no lovers until she had settled the Nothing Man's account" (pg 51). Not gonna lie, I really, really like these lines. There is work to be done, and devotion to duty has been the foundation of Kel's philosophy since day one.

I should note that I don't dislike Cleon as a character. He's doing the honorable thing by marrying someone in order to provide for the people he's responsible for as lord of Kennan.

I love the scene when Tobe asks Kel why she's crying, and her explanation: "It's not the war, Tobe. I've been shot at. I can bear it. I'm crying because my friend is unhappy and everything is changing." First of all, relatable. Second, I love the respect that already exists between Tobe and Kel - his first reaction isn't to make fun of her, but to sympathize.

Kel asking Duke Baird how he can still go and do his duty even after seeing the brutality of war firsthand makes me feel things. And his response that all he can do is his best. Ugh. Feels.

Baird asking Kel to keep an eye on Neal if they are assigned to the same post alsdkfj. Kel and Neal friendship 2kforever.

Owen's back! Gotta love Owen. The way he tries to be as formal as Wyldon trained him to be while still being irrepressibly Owen is so funny. What a gremlin.

Poor Kel, being worried that Wyldon doesn't trust her ability as a knight after all. If I were in her position, I'd probably feel the same about the possibility of getting a "safe" assignment. Especially since she knows that people will say she's not cut out to be a knight if she's not out on the front lines.

Kel and Wyldon's dynamic. Amazing. Wyldon has come so far since First Test, and Kel is willing to see that. I think anyone else would hold a grudge against Wyldon for the way he treated Kel if they were in her shoes, but she's willing to see past that.

Kel's going to do her duty if it kills her. This girl. I wish I could properly express what she means to me.

Mistress Fanche makes her entrance when Wyldon is showing Kel the refugees. Considering what she's been through, I don't think it would be fair to dislike her for her attitude.

"[Wyldon]'s happy, she realized, stunned. Training us - that was his duty. But he didn't like it. He's comfortable here, in the dirt and the cold, with people to defend" (pg. 70). I wonder if Kel realizes how similar she and Wyldon are when it comes to duty. She'll do whatever he orders, even if she privately disagrees or dislikes it, but at the end of the day she's happiest when there's hard work to be done.

The Kel and Owen moment at the end of the chapter. Kel's right - Owen is growing up well. They are 100% ride or die, and I am here for it. When Owen says he would do anything to help her, he means it. Kel hasn't had a lot of experience with that so far, what with several of her peers trying to sabotage her during her days as a page, so I imagine Owen's genuine loyalty must mean the world to her.

[emmkitt]

funy thing (LET ME RXPLAIN MY ANSWERRS

a few of these were really hard cause its bad for me to hate things anyways.

fav character; floory. of course. hes awesome

liked by everyone but me; balloon. i just think hes boring and a bit of a bitch sometimes. also annoying. very annoying. but i know a lot of people like him. which is fine. i just. dont all that much.

didnt like at first; i used to be mephone4’s biggest hater, not even kidding. my friends introduced me to ii by saying mephone was basically the fandom sexyman and i was like ‚what. that is a phone’. so i kinda hated him out of spite. but now. Now i understand.

would like to know more about: mephone again. i want more meeple lore.

least favorite character: fuck steve cobs i wanna turn him into popcorn

like the design, dislike the character: okay this one was HARD because i really dont. hate that many ii characters. and the ones i DO hate (toilet, trophy, blueberry,) dont really have super cool designs. so. i did a loophole of sorts. i picked Paper because i havent really watched s1 and therefore know nothing about him. so i dont think i can really say i dislike him. but im a sucker for red + blue color pallets. so THERE.

like the character, dislike the design: i picked groscer because. i like her design. i really do. but man i wish the like trophy bit of her was more cool shape. i mean i understand simplicity but shes built like a cylinder 😭 (DR FIZZ IS DIFFERENT-

similar personality: paintbrush cause i like art and have anger issues. also nonbinary but thars not really a personality thing. i love paintbrush theyre so cool. this is akso probably wrong cause according to my mbti i am most similar to test tube personality wise. ugly sobs

fav ship: floory x dr fizz x mephone4. it may sound like it wouldnt work. and it probably wouldnt. but hear me out

least fav ship: i didnt put anything mainly cause the only ships i really do hate are illegal ones )and i didnt wanna draw that). i mean. theres ships i dont like. but theres not a ship i hate more than any other. if that makes sense

would befriend irl: floory just seems like a friendly guy. theyd do no harm

wouldnt befriend irl: I HATE BLUEBERRY HE SUCKS

okay thats it

[epicspheal]

So I finally did the whole “gym leader inspection” last night to see where the fandom is getting their “Evil Geeta” vibes from. And while the jury is still out on her until the DLC the bad blood between Geeta and the leaders isn’t striking me immediately as proof that she’s evil. Let’s start with the whole “Most of the gym leaders are anxious about the inspection” thing. Speaking as someone who has had a full time job, performance reviews are always a little nerve-wracking no matter what type of boss you may have. There is always room for improvement, let alone there’s always a chance you’re going to be told you need to do more. Not really sure how other leagues are ran but I could guarantee you that gym leaders from Kanto to Galar would also feel the same level of anxiety about a performance review and it honestly shouldn’t be used as proof that Geeta is evil. Rather proof that performance reviews suck and anxiety inducing. Now let’s go into some of the individual reactions. Brassius quite frankly really didn’t seem to care. He was more concerned about his new inspiration for art than the inspection. If anything being a gym leader is more of a side-gig to his art career. Neither did Iono as she’s far more concerned about her streams and viewer numbers moreso than the inspection itself. In fact she seemed very impressed that Geeta trusted the player to do the inspection Kofu probably takes this the best because he’s a restaurant owner. He understands that at times people judging him may be harsh and to not take it personally. This is an important skill that you have to learn as an adult in the working world and it’s easier said than done especially if you’re sensitive. I’m quite sensitive myself and it’s taken me a lot to get even to half of where Kofu is in regards to criticism especially if it’s not given tactfully in my opinion. Him saying Geeta is harsh doesn’t necessarily imply he thinks she’s bad at all. And I think if anything he welcomes any harshness because it helps him improve. Again, that’s a skill that’s hard to develop and hard to conceptualize if you haven’t been put in a position where you’ve been dealt harsh criticism. It certainly sucks to be on the receiving end and yes tactful delivery is still key but you can’t always expect “room for improvement” talks to always be delivered gently. Then there’s Katy who is bored of being the first gym leader and being told to go soft on Geeta. Honestly Geeta telling her to be softer on her opponents isn’t a bad thing. Gym leaders are supposed to be tests, not nigh-insurmountable obstacles. While going too soft on people isn’t great, crushing new trainers off the bat isn’t helpful either as you can indeed squander potential talent doing that. Something Geeta recognizes. Katy here is in her feelings but it is understandable. No one likes losing, and with her being a bug type specialist there is probably the added sting of feeling like she’s conforming to the stereotype that Bug types are week. However, Geeta isn’t in the wrong for what she said. Rather it’s up to Katy to do something about it if she’s so discontent from being the first gym leader. She can up her challenge a bit, going soft doesn’t mean being a cakewalk. Or if this really bothers her, get better at being a trainer so she can become a leader that’s recommended to be faced later on despite being so close to Mesagoza. And to her credit, Katy does at least recognize that after the battle with the intent of battling at a higher level. Whether that means not being as soft on newer trainers or just trying to make sure she gets a higher rank we’re not sure, but she has the maturity to not really blame Then you have Tulip who says she’s not Geeta’s biggest fan because she dislikes how bewitching Geeta’s aura is compared to her own. Now some people may have latched on to the bewitching as proof that she’s evil but when you look at the definition of bewitching it means “enchanting or delightful” or in other words “so beautiful or attractive that you cannot think of anything else”. This actually kind of implies Tulip might be a bit jealous of Geeta and how she carries herself rather Geeta being malicious. She compares Geeta’s aura to her own and calls it similarly bewitching implying that both of them have an enchanting way about them. And often when two people of similar vibes meet they may end up clashing. I think the whole ESP gym test makes people perhaps read a bit more into the bewitching thing because Tulip may have psychic powers we don’t know and so maybe she knows something we don’t. And it very well may be shown in the DLC that Tulip’s words were foreshadowing. But the bewitching line to me at least at the moment, strikes me more as a “I’m a bit envious of the chairwoman” over “the chairwoman is evil” Then you have Ryme who is rather blatantly insulted that Geeta sends the player to do the inspection rather than herself. She even states that she had been looking forward to proving the strength of ghost-types to her and felt a bit robbed. Now again this really isn’t a “Geeta is evil” type thing. Sure it probably would’ve been nicer to have Geeta mention that she was sending someone else as a courtesy. But I think Ryme’s feelings of being insulted come from a place of insecurity. She’s only been the leader for a year and a half and she does enjoy the job. Again like I said earlier, performance reviews will make any employee nervous but especially newer ones who haven’t been on the job all that long. So I can definitely see why Ryme was upset as she probably felt like this was a snub and as someone who has been a new employee I can sympathize with her feelings. But it doesn’t make Geeta bad that this happen. The only bad thing Geeta did was just not tell everyone she was sending someone else. Next is Grusha who during the inspection talks about being worried that he’ll lose his job and the only other thing he has talent for. Again much like Ryme is this is definitely coming more from insecurity on the part of Grusha over Geeta being a bad boss. Like Ryme it also comes from an understandable place. He suffered a great loss in losing his ability to snowboard and knowing that his gym leader position is a job that can be lost as well is certainly anxiety inducing. Especially for someone like himself who tends to wrap their identity in their talents. I don’t even think he actually dislikes Geeta he’s just terrified of potentially of not doing well enough to stay in his position. Again that’s something extremely relatable but not necessarily a mark on Geeta herself. Finally there is Larry who has the most outright grievances towards Geeta. Him having outright grievances doesn’t mean she’s evil though. A lot of people have grievances with their bosses and it could be that their boss is bad, it could be they themselves are the bad ones, or maybe neither are bad and they just don’t mesh. And honestly even though they clearly have beef Geeta does tell him to stop doing overtime. She may not be the world’s best boss but her telling him to chill on the overtime does count for something when there are plenty of bosses who will happily let you work overtime, even unpaid overtime. And also yes, she does ask him to use a different type when battling as an Elite Four member but honestly that’s not a bad boss thing. One it makes sense that if you’re going to use someone as both a gym leader and elite four member (who are generally all type specialists) to switch things up to keep challengers on their toes. After all the Champion’s Test is an assessment. And as Larry himself states, he understands why she asked him to switch things up. He realizes that he misses a lot of growth by just staying in one lane with one type and he’ll become stronger as a trainer if he takes different approaches. Yeah he still doesn’t like her but he’s mature enough as an adult to realize when she’s making good points and that’s important although again a tough point to get to. Because it’s often really hard to hear good points from someone you’re not the biggest fan of. So honestly if anything Geeta and the gym leader’s relationship really resembles real life workplaces. Not everyone is buddy-buddy. People get anxiety when performance reviews or big meetings are called. People have insecurities that tend to get poked in certain situations. It doesn’t necessarily mean any one person is good or bad.

[peony-flowerking7]

hue just some oc

Rant+oc talk

I'M NOT LEAVING LMK FANDOM ANYTIME I LOVE IT TOO MUCH! I've just been frustrated lately, I have trouble with BNHA especially making an oc. But I favorite Gyaru characters they always have the best outfits. So I am hoping this calms my brain cells a bit, I've been having a hard time making a bnha oc but now I have one! She's actually a redesign of many various ocs I had in the past. Yes...I was shamefully in the BNHA fandom...I was a despicable person honestly.

I like the world building, the power system and how it works with science. It has some amazing characters and yes I still do like Bakugou I heard he died and then a lot of things in the manga are disappointing. I have a hate and love relationship with the anime honestly. I could write a whole chapter on it. I especially also don't like bnha oc, I'm sorry but this is my opinion but please don't take it the wrong way. It may come off a bit hypocritical but some BNHA oc are pretty boring and bland, they all look relatively the same, the same white paper skin, blue eyes and black or white hair. Not to mention some quirks are also pretty boring, they also have the same head shape and same eyes.

For me, all BNHA oc look the same, there's nothing to distinguish them well. That's my rant for the fandom side as for the anime. Horikoshi has a big problem with some arcs and characters he never once again used and it's frustrated. Also...fucking Mineta god I hate that character with a burning passion.

Anyways off with my oc, her name is Misao. Her quirk is entirely based off on Mami powers in Madoka Magica. Her whole ordeal is magical girl stuff. So quirk I don't have a name but the description of it is, her cells can turn into guns, only her cells though she can't use anybody else's cells to make guns. Her father Quirk is a healing Quirk while her body is the same as her daughter she can pull any type of gun she wants from her cells except she can use other people cells. For that, the Mother is a military soldier and her father is a medical doctor.

Misao quirk is a combination of the two, let me explain this. Misao's cells can manufacture guns, it doesn't matter which one as long as she has the knowledge of that gun existence and it system is something possible. For her to pop out the gun she needs she will have to pull off a bit of her cells or her skin, it's a painful experience that makes the gun's power more powerful. The good thing is that with the combination of her father Quirk the pain lasts a bit but that all depends in which one she's taking out. Small guns require less so they feel like a pinch while bigger weapons require much force and it can cause Misao a lot of pain. Which is great for power but bad for Misao. She cannot produce bullets though, those she has to make by herself or she can ask her parents for them. It between those two but sometimes she rather ask Yayorozu or Bakugou with these. Like I said earlier Misao can heal faster than a normal person can, also the more guns she gets out the more immobilize she gets and more weaker she grows. Taking out a weapon strains her to the point where she will fall unconscious and stop moving for a couple of hours.

Also she's not very smart, you can say she's a bimbo. So she fails at tests and quizzes but does well in responding while getting her nails done. Also, most of her classmates think she's dumb and just like some of them but Bakugou is the only one to acknowledge the opposite. She was train as a military child, something she dislikes as well. She prefers looking good and getting her nails done, she actually doesn't even want to be a hero, she wants to be an idol. Her dream were crushed as a middle schooler, she really doesn't have a lot of choice.

She also doesn't like some of her classmates because of how their personality rubs her the wrong way. She's uncomfortable with them so she avoids getting to know them, the only one who she enjoys the company with is Bakugou, mostly because of his eyes also his quirk drawbacks but she does avoid him. Shinso is another person she enjoys being with, she's more close to him since they both can connect with each other about societal problems and cats.

[autisticempathydaemon]

Hi! I’m here for the redacted boy pairing, I saw it on your blog and honestly wasn’t going to submit, until I read the questions and thought that they were super fun, unique, and interesting! The song I’m fixated on at the moment is This is what Autumn Feels Like by JVKE. The lyric I always look towards too whenever I play it is “Love is like riding a bike, scary but then it’s alright. I got the hang of it, right?” Because I feel like it’s a pretty good analogy! And I definitely relate to always wondering whether or not you’re doing something correctly 😅. My Enneagram Type is 6 apparently (I took the test just now) and I’m an ENFJ if that helps. I don’t think I’ve ever gone out of my way to listen to a ‘gargantuan YouTube essay’ but I do enjoy hearing people ramble about their interests if that’s similar! My childhood imaginary friend was Lucy from Narnia, I used to imagine that we would go horseback riding and I would run away to Narnia with her and never come back. To fall asleep I usually stay up watching shows (current obsession is criminal minds) or doing things like that and then passing out, though if I can’t sleep I usually just count until my brain shuts off. I would love the name Adrianna. I just think it’s really pretty and it has a lot of nickname options! Which is one of the few things I dislike about my current name, there are like 2 things you can call me to shorten it and one of them reminds me too much of my dad for me to feel comfortable with people using it. I think my favorite audio is either the decorating for the solstice one with David (I’m feral for the way he explains it all and then goes out of his way to tell Angel that he doesn’t want them to feel left out and that they’re the most important part of his life!!) or the one where Vincent tells Lovely about the monarchal summit (oh the foreshadowing) and about his first time there (I think it’s called Cuddling with your Vampire bf but I could be wrong). The Redacted boys I don’t get the hype for but don’t necessarily hate are Ollie (sorry dude, I’m sure you’re sweet and all but it’s just not my cup of tea) and Vega (I do actually dislike him! Everyone talks about this one video of him in the imperium but I’m too scared to watch the whole imperium and no one has given me a clear answer on what video it is that he’s not a ass). I’ve read the Lunar Chronicles (highly recommend) so many times that I practically know them by heart. I have a soft spot for twisted Fairy Tales and LET ME TELL YOU THEY DO IT SO WELL! This may be an odd answer but I’d want Damien as my best friend. I feel like we have a lot in common and I love me a sarcastic but incredibly driven kinda guy, that’s how a lot of my friends are. I don’t have a go-to topic when I tired, but everyone can tell because I start giggling like crazy, as if everything is funny 🥲. My gas station drink is the Cumberland farms slushies, I would mix the blue and red to make purple. I’m a sucker for the Spotify daily mixes tbh, bc I don’t have premium and they offer me the most amount of control as far as changing the song, replaying it, and only listening to the ones that I want to, plus it’s curated which I very much enjoy. My guilty pleasure media is probably in part Redacted 😅 but also I enjoy SOME Yandere stories that I find on like fanfic websites. And I’m talking about like ‘log this person is so dedicated to you! How fun! 🤩’ I usually scroll past when it’s like an actually ab-sive situation or senario. I really enjoyed this thank you!! 😊

Sorry this is the same person who just submitted the last ask (the one with the imaginary friend being Lucy from Narnia) and of course after I submitted I thought of some extra to add 😭 sorry for the inconvenience, I just wanted to add that I’m an Aries and a huge swifty, have a good day!!

Hmmm, this is hard because I feel like ENFJs could really work so beautifully with a lot of people- at least, Redacted people. In the end, I decided to pair the Protagonist, the natural leader, with our favorite leader, David Shaw.

After all, ENFJs, Arieses, and Sixes can be summed up as confident, principled idealists, the kind of friend who takes charge and takes care of their own. You’d be a wonderfully extroverted contrast to David, the perfect mate of the pack Alpha. I also like David for you because Sixes tend to be motivated by a desire for stability and security in their lives, and… well, c’mon. He runs a security company. I need not say more.

In addition to the pun, there’s so many cute, little things that’d be charming about your life together. Criminal Minds marathons would be so fun with David; he strikes me as the type who can always guess the UNSUB, and he feels a strong kinship with Hotch. He wouldn’t really understand the Taylor Swift hype, but that wouldn’t stop him from pulling some security connections to get you killer seats when she tours close to Dahlia.

Song:

No matter where you are, I'll be there/ We can be the generation/ Who learns how to love/ Mistakes and empty promises/ Will never be enough/ So tear apart these giant hearts/ That beat inside us now/ Let's conquer the percentages/ And rise above the crowd/ And I won't let you fall (won't let you fall)

This song is one of the most down to earth yet romantic songs I know, and that’s why I like it for you and David. Fun fact, the duo who sings this are married, and this is the song they wrote and performed as their wedding vows. That’s the kind of heart-melting, ooey gooey lovey shit that I think suits David and his partner, because that man is a sap and not good at hiding it.

Runner-Ups:

Lasko, I like for you for two reasons. One, he could use a friend and partner like you, he needs it. Two, I can see him also being a Narnia kid growing up, so that’d be a really cute thing for y’all to bond over. Geordi, I also think could use a partner like you, but honestly he’s mostly a runner up because he’s my favorite Redacted boi to headcanon as a Swiftie.

note: it’s no inconvenience at all, lovey, you’re good 💚

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

[neerons]

Omg I just read read your analysis of the 3s friendship to whom Kei is close to, and you have captured it so beautifully. You are extremely observant and have a knack for reading between the lines. The entire read was so good. Keep it up. I hope you write more about MK in the future. If u don't mind me asking I would love to know what you personally thought of kazuomi season 4 ofcourse when you have time (saw a lot of negative reviews and people saying that mc character was destroyed) what do u think about that? Anyway. Take care, and have a great day:)❤️

Now that's the kind of message that makes me very happy to receive 😭💖

Thank you so much for your words. Really. It makes me extremely happy whenever people send me asks, and it's even better if it benefits others when I answer to help or give more insight to the stories. I really like studying the psychology or philosophy of characters I love, so I'm glad I get to do that through these stories ❤

My thoughts on Kazuomi's Season 4

And of course I don't mind you asking that! About Kazuomi's S4, I replied to a similar question HERE if you're interested. Now that some time passed, I have forgotten a few things about what happens in this season but mostly, Kazuomi's S4 seemed to be used to take a "step back" in Kazu and MC's relationship. Possibly because a bigger plot twist concerning Kazuomi's past might happen later on, which will make him change his mind again about his relationship. That's what I originally thought after reading it.

At that stage in the route, Kazuomi and MC were very close. MC was in a new situation professionally and had to make her talents shine. MC trusted Kazuomi a lot, as he had once said he wouldn't do anything she'd dislike. She had also witnessed many times that despite appearances, he was always good and saved situations. However they went back to their "roots", if I could say, when Kazuomi actually tested her and their relationship when he got involved in a drug cartel.

I don't understand why people would say that about the MC being "destroyed" in this season, as the situation she faced was a test for her own character development from my understanding. What I mean here is that originally, the MC is a very ethical person. She's a literal moral compass. That's why she's often described as a saint in Kei's route, and why Yuzuru relies on and trusts her so much as well in his. But she knows that where there is light, there is also darkness. She's not unaware of it and states it in the first prologue of MK herself:

"Light and dark don’t exist in separate worlds. They live on the same street and breathe the same air. And each one of us is one slip-up away from falling into the dark."

Despite that, due to her job, she has a hard time accepting and seeing the benefit of the darker aspects of the world. In this season, Kazuomi showed her that what she was fighting against isn't completely and utterly bad for the people she wants to protect. He showed her that the world isn't just black and white. That there's a grey area to it, and that innocent people she wants to protect sometimes benefit from that grey area.

Kazuomi who has experienced living in poverty knows what it's like to have everything and suddenly be left with nothing. Due to this, he knew that people who did well with the money they got from the drug cartel would become poor after the EAC takes the cartel down.

I would describe this season as being a philosophical conflict between Kazuomi and MC. Their worldview and beliefs were opposed, which was bound to happen at some point in Kazu's route. Due to their positions in society (MC being an agent dedicated to protect the ordinary life of innocent people, and Kazu being a man with so much power he is often involved in suspicious dealings) it's only natural that they couldn't act as if nothing is happening and had to wonder if they should stop their relationship.

I didn't dislike that season personally. From my memories, their problem was that their relationship, as it had developed, didn't suit them and their lifestyle much. Kazuomi likes that MC doesn't trust him completely, because she then chases him, which is what he likes. That's what spices his life up.

Their relationship relies on the thrill of it, not knowing if the other is an enemy or not. Therefore, them completely trusting each other when a situation makes them enemies doesn't work for them. They had to put distance to make that dynamic work. Also, there's the fact that Kazuomi is at a stage where he doesn't believe in "forever". He even thinks MC won't be forever by his side as well, and he believes he's irrational for actually wanting her to always be next to him (that's because he loves her so much hehehehehe).

In a sense, while it's sad that this decision results in them not being 24/7 together and banter as much as before, I think this type of plot twist will be the key of them realizing that their love is even stronger than they had anticipated. And maybe, and I hope, that Kazu will change his view when it comes to "forever", and will understand that he just can't live without her. Their relationship seems stuck right now when it comes to them having only that kind of "enemies and lovers" dynamic, but for now that's what they desire. Maybe in the future season, they'll meet another target and situation that will make them want to actually live a more "stable" couple life where they still allow trust to be part of their relationship.

The ideal thing would be for them to trust each other and still have a thrilling relationship, but it would be hard to make that happen. I'm so curious to know if that's something that could even be possible, and what will happen in the future stories. How else would I be able to see what their kids look like if they don't settle down anyway?! I want to see if their canon daughter looks like the one I made up. Is that too much to ask for 😭

Jokes aside, I really love them and their dynamic. Despite what they decided, they still are very close physically (and emotionally of course). They already can't live without each other even now. They're down deep. They fell, and they fell so hard they made one with the floor. They're depicted as soulmates whose paths are intertwined. It's only natural that they will end up as a power couple who can't get their hands off each other

Thank you for the ask, and have a great day as well!

[hannahlovesluca]

I heard u do Nijisanji matchups can i have one please 🥺

Nijisanji male romantic matchup plz

Gender: cis female

Pronouns: she/her

Sexuality: heterosexual ally

Zodiac: Capricorn

Appearance: 5’2 African American hourglass body (although I’m more top heavy if you know what i mean) black curly wavy hair blackish brown eyes chubby cheeks wears glasses sometimes (im far sighted so it’s usually when driving in class or at the theater)

Mbti: infj

Enneagram: 2w1

Personality: kind smart funny motherly responsible empathetic anxious emotional moody perfectionist helpful people pleaser caring compassionate nerdy curious protective polite respectful indecisive fearful nervous introvert shy awkward clumsy low self esteem low confidence (more pertaining to my talents or personality then my looks) sassy sarcastic (I’m mainly these things with people i feel comfortable with like friends or family) soft spoken cute (my friends think im cute because i can be pretty innocent plus I’m small physically)

Likes: animals books reading writing fantasy magic sci fi anime music video games friends alone time learning personality quizzes sweets and bread helping being a part of something bigger than myself

Dislikes: spiders loud sounds people who harm others people who don’t take others into consideration (like make insensitive jokes or don’t consider the comfort of others or are mean just cause they can) people i care about not caring for themselves (im a hypocrite on this i take care of everyone else but not me) not being listened to weird holes and patterns math and tests (I’m being tested for a math disability and i have test anxiety)

Love language:

Giving: acts of service gift giving and physical affection (if they’re ok with it)

Receiving: words of affirmation and physical affection (although i can be shy about it)

Extra: i pace a lot i sing when im alone i talk to myself im a picky eater (mainly with textures) i have a cat i have minor ehlers danalos (a hyper mobility disorder) but it doesn’t hurt me like it does my sisters i get abdominal migraines which is basically like a migraine but instead of headaches it’s nausea

Thank you (lemme know if u wanna do a trade)

hello!!! honestly, you seem like such a great person!

i think you would do really well with…

Luca Kaneshiro!

Honestly, you guys have such diverse personalities that I genuinely just think you guys would get along great! Luca has stated before that he likes a more cat-like personality and shy people!

• He’s my oshi so im lowkey jealous but omg imagine him knowing about your disorder and carrying you/ giving you piggy back rides when you don’t feel so well or moving is extra hard for you <3

• he will make sure you’re always comfortable going on trips with him!! esp if youre a part of NIJISANJI and you have to go on a trip with him!!

• also, if you try to hide the fact that you’re not doing too well, he wont actually be mad, but he will pout and tell you to take care if yourself and run around the house doing things for you. (omg imagine him making you something to eat in a little apron AHHHHHH)

• Luca does NOT hide his feelings, he loves telling you just how much he loves you (although he will be flushged unless you’ve been together for awhile, even then he might still stutter), he has absolutely no problem with PDA and poor boy just wants to show the whole world how much he loves you - NIJI rules be damned.

• if he gets jealous, say another man is flirting w you or got you something NO HESITATION HE WILL WRAP HIS ARMS AROUND YOUR WAIST im kicking my feet oh my god

• SPEAKING OF WAIST. you have an hourglass body OH MY GOD HE LOVES YOUR HIPS SM. you guys are cuddling, his arms are wrapped around your hips. Waiting in line? Hand on your hip. ANYTHING - his hands are on your hips

• Luca does not understand how you genuinely like reading, however, he will absolutely let you read him to sleep if he cant sleep!

• speaking of sleep if he’s sick and you read or sing him to sleep he will actually melt oh my god please love on this man he will actually do anything for you

• “Y/N, why do you love me so much?”

I COULD WRITE SO MUCH MORE FOR THIS MAN PLSSSS IM IN LOVE

[phoenix-before-the-flame]

this isn't about natsu on his own but more of a natsu and lucy theory (or hc(?? since ik it won't be true) and the importance of their relationship and status as -both- mcs had mashima done things with a little more thought

basically it roots from anna's 400 year plan and the reason she decided to send the kids to that specific time to kill acnologia and it was because lucy is alive in this time

I don't believe for a second that anna was "the most powerful celestial wizard to ever have existed", not with lucy in the picture -and having seen literally not a single instance of anna using her powers- my hc starts with anna seeing through the eclipse gate and discovering one of her ascenders will hold an inmense ammount of power and unique relationship with the celestial keys when she grows up and that's when she makes up her mind, she will send the kids to a timeline where her most powerful family/clan(? member will be alive and be able to help them

and now onto the natsu part sorry this is getting long ndhsjf

I think zeref creating natsu was ultimately what made him lose his final straws of sanity tho I can't remember if this was canonically implied

but I also think he was sane enough to realize making so many demons as tests to revive natsu made him completely unable to raise his brother and in his last moment of conciousness he decided that anna and the dragons were far better options, even if it meant natsu was deliberately being used as a war pawn, so he used whatever remained of his power to make natsu more powerful to be able to survive this war and hopefully being able to kill him as his way for atoning for not being the brother natsu deserved to have

and there you have it, pretty much natsu and lucy's relationship was threaded by fate and the plan was for the dragons slayers to kill acnologia under the support of the actual most powerful celestial wizard that has existed or will ever exist

you can think of little moments under this pretext, like why was lucy's father set up on bringing his daughter back after finding out she's part of fairy tail, or how natsu and lucy together was the catalyst a handful of characters needed to surpass their traumas

idk I like them both a lot be it platonically or romantically, mashima could've expanded their relationship so much more 🤧 but anyways hope you liked my derrangedness

I know u sayin a lot right now but i have to let u know in the midst of your paragraphs i zoomed tf in on this point specifically

Cause i sorta wrote a whole ass essay some time ago bout that and it activated my neurons.

Anyways! Onto your actual ask!

Honestly we share a pretty similarish school of thought on the situation there as a whole. With regards to how the heartfilia's got thrown into the mix (and Anna. I have, mixed thoughts on how she was used in the final arc and just her being there in the present the whole time. Home girl would've been a much more interesting character if her role stayed in the past and her connection to the dragons expanded on but! Gettin off track!)

I think the only part here where we may differ majorly is around where you said this-

but I also think he was sane enough to realize making so many demons as tests to revive natsu made him completely unable to raise his brother and in his last moment of conciousness he decided that anna and the dragons were far better options

It's just in my head I always found it so hard to wrap my head around the idea of Zeref doin all that to just give away Natsu. It always felt so hard to believe that mans literally undid the fabric of death to give away his hard work.

(Note this is not a jab at you for using it! It's just me disliking it in canon lol, I personally don't like using that reasoning. Plus with my mental characterization of Zeref he doesn't feel like the type to atone or fix his wrongs to me so can't really see him doing certain things willingly. Forgive me i'm sittin on a whole ass different characterizations and plot beats that im holdin onto for the thing i'm writing that i dont wanna rlly let loose yet)

But like, you're right! Natsu n Lucy work as a neat package deal of MCs! Two weirdos! Blah blah the demon and the star child, blah blah the writer and the guy who's a book. Daddy issues but in opposite directions! It's fun that they're linked with each other! Wish it was used more :)

[gracesshelves]

The Bromance Book Club by Lyssa Kay Adams

Usually, TikTok romance books are not my thing, but The Bromance Book Club by Lyssa Kay Adams surprised me. I would rate this novel three out of five stars. At first, I wasn’t quite sure how to feel about it, but after the first hundred pages I could not put it down; at one point I was reading it at a red light on the way home from work. Some moments were a bit too cheesy for my taste, and I had a hard time relating to the characters. I think part of this is because I am definitely not the target audience for this book, which I assume is cis-het married women, most likely millennials. However, Adams was able to get me invested in the stakes of the story. I was genuinely interested in whether or not Gavin and Thea would be able to fix their relationship. Honestly, I’m glad that I did not know this book got popular off BookTok, because that would have influenced my perception of it. What I admired the most about this book was its exploration of the mental load placed on stay-at-home moms (SAHM), and how that can ruin marriages.

            The novel follows Gavin Scott, a major league baseball player, who is having marital troubles with his wife, Thea. What seems like a problem with their sex life, is actually much worse. Gavin and Thea are forced to confront parts of themselves they’ve been hiding in order to avoid getting divorced. Gavin grew on me throughout the story. At the beginning, I struggled to sympathize with him because I felt that he should’ve been able to notice that his wife was faking an orgasm. However, as he continued to apply himself and make an effort to become a better person and husband, he did not bother me so much. With the romance genre specifically, the likeability of characters is big for me. By the end of the book, Gavin passed the test. As for Thea, I thought she was very complex, and I thought the way that her trauma wasn’t just magically solved was very true to life. Unlearning thought patterns you’ve had your whole life does not just change overnight. It was important to me that she wasn’t perfect either, they were two flawed individuals, which made them more relatable.

            One thing I did struggle with was how heteronormative all the relationships were, although, I think this is due to the fact that I am not the target audience. As a queer reader, I would honestly prefer an author to avoid depicting queer characters rather than write them incorrectly, but it did make it difficult for me to empathize with some of what Gavin did. I probably would not have picked this book up on my own, even though I do enjoy romance. But on the other hand, I have read BookTok books that I disliked much more in comparison.

            Going back to what I said earlier, I appreciated how Adam’s presented the discussion of mental load, and how much work is put on women, especially SAHM’s. It could be argued that this discussion is somewhat surface level, but I think even just brushing on it is better than nothing. For most of their marriage, Thea has been raising kids by herself, and when Gavin was present, she had to attend events as a wife of a player (Adams 21). The load placed on her stood out the most when the Scott family got home from Thanksgiving. While it’s important that Gavin helps Thea clean up after the girl’s vomited, he continuously has to ask questions about where things are even though he lives there. (Adams 150-151). Thea already has a lot on her mind with cleaning the girls themselves, and by asking her that instead of looking himself, Gavin only adds to her plate. This discussion reflects the current conversations of mothers on social media. A lot of women in heterosexual relationships are speaking out online about how exhausted they are. Nowadays, many women have corporate jobs on top of being parents, but the distribution of household labor is slow to change. While some heterosexual couples have adapted and evenly split parenting and household duties, there is still a huge issue with women being expected to clean, cook, and parent on top of a nine to five. A Gallup poll found that despite an increase in equity regarding household tasks since 1990, “the division of labor in U.S. households remains largely tilted toward traditional stereotypes: Women are more likely than their husbands to take care of the house and children, and men remain the primary caretakers of the car and the yard.” (Brenan).

            If this was book wanted to be a more serious critique on relationships, I’d have a lot more issues with it, but for a light-hearted contemporary romance I think this was pretty successful.

Adams, Lyssa Kay. The Bromance Book Club. Berkley Romance, 2022.

Brenan, Megan. “Women Still Handle Main Household Tasks in U.S.” Gallup.com, Gallup Inc., 31 May 2023, news.gallup.com/poll/283979/women-handle-main-household-tasks.aspx.

[velvetvexations]

actually if you want to talk about it I’d be curious about your petscop opinions (in a friendly discussion way) but if not that’s totally cool!

One of the things I was telling people Petscop was of too high-quality for something to be what was happening was the incredibly dumb "playing the game in a car" thing, which I thought was a completely ridiculous theory and I really was out there like, no, guys, that's stupid, that's so stupid, and this is PETSCOP, the single greatest web series in existence, my Roman Empire, it's not stupid so obviously that can't be it.

But what I really disliked and put me down a lot was the lack of hard answers. I unironically feel like people nowadays fetishize narrative ambiguity. Death of the Author or even the idea that a work might have literally no intended meaning except to be a viewer's personal Rorschach test has gotten so big that to even suggest something mysterious might have an answer can be seen as sacrilege.

Sometimes that can be a difficult wire to walk. David Lynch refuses to ever give away the intended meaning of his work because he does want his audience to reach their own conclusions and find their own meaning in it...but, also, he did still have an intended meaning behind everything and it's not weird to try and work that out. Yes, the demand for answers killed Twin Peaks - but I would argue it was more like impatience because what fans wanted to know was specifically who killed Laura Palmer, and Lynch always intended to get to that eventually, just at the very end.

Fans during the airing of Twin Peaks took it 100% literally and weren't generally looking for symbolic meaning, they were looking for hard facts about what was occurring in-universe. While my belief of the "correct" interpretation of Twin Peaks is that the narrative blends in-universe reality with out-of-universe meta anyway, I think we would have gotten basically satisfying answers to the in-universe reality if the network had been willing to let it cook. I think subtext can be really cool, and despite my sidebar text being a Garth Marenghi reference the things I write have subtext in them as well, but usually I'm far more interested in the text when it comes to mysteries like this.

So like, I'm going to take a gamble with allowing myself to be vulnerable and admit something: when it turned out the website in Petscop had been made, but the creator just decided not to put it out? I was without hyperbole livid.

I struggle, like really struggle with anger issues, to the point where earlier this morning I was thinking about making a post about how much I've been feeling the "check your bathroom" message from Rainer, but decided against it because that's implied to be a suicide note and I didn't want to give the impression I was referring to suicidal ideation. I mean, I am also extremely depressed, but that's not what I had in mind.

Just like...the bitterness of what Rainer says in that message, the exhausted rage? Yeah, that's me. I'm an angry person. It's one of the reasons I related so hard to Kipperlilly Copperkettle in Dimension 20. Because like, my fandom for her started out being really annoyed with the protagonists and the ways they have their cocks sucked by the fandom and narrative no matter what, and how KLCK in particular was getting insane hate for insane reasons, but when it was revealed she had been in therapy for years for anger management I wanted to cry because I suddenly felt this intense empathy with her.

No matter how irrational, the revelation about the website existing but not being shown gutted me. So I was really, really angry about it and to be honest I still kinna am. I don't hold any real ill will towards the creator and, again, I know it's irrational, but that hurt me a little.

There's this scene in The Expanse where a spaceship hits a field that makes anything in motion come to an instantaneous and complete stop, and you can imagine what that does to the occupants of spacecraft traveling a bazillion miles an hour (it should really obliterate the ship, too, but whatever). It kinna felt like that. Like the series just came to a sudden and arbitrary stop with nothing explained and my investment turned into several gallons of red paint splattering the camera.

I was also very dissatisfied with it turning out that either it was all about being trans or the very least had a significant amount of it's plot be about that. I don't mean to be a Sad Puppies kinna geek who thinks their entertainment should never touch on social themes and just stick to cool laser guns, but like...I am trans. Nearly all my friends are. I talk about it constantly on this blog, I'm thinking about it constantly, it is one of the single most important, defining aspects of nearly every facet of my life. I enjoy some media that's outwardly about being trans and my writing is heavily heavily HEAVILY centered around diversity and inclusion and talking about it all, but when it's the answer to a mystery?

I can't help but find that tremendously boring. And that's another thing that, like not getting answers and it all being over so abruptly, Expanses the shit out of my investment.

And my investment in Petscop ran...deep. Very, very deep. I loved the series with every fiber of my being. Like I said, the drop-off in how I felt about it was like Satan falling from Heaven like lightning, and I felt every bit of that falling damage.

So Petscop and the way it ended was a lot for me.

[neverluckygoldfish]

44 -

I started smoking weed because I couldn’t handle my alcohol (read: it made me into an asshole, among ruining my life & other things). And I didn’t have access to other things.

I stopped hanging out with friends because I was embarrassed of my using. Because I like to go go go until I’m basically comatose. Because for me, using & drinking - it’s not about the fun anymore. It’s about getting my mind to shut up, it’s about feeling calm in my chest. As my therapist says “you live life on overdrive, huh?” haha. Blame the ADHD and traumatic childhood.

It’s really depressing to read that and realize I’m talking about myself.

I guess I’ve always been like that. Whether it’s opiates, amphetamines, cocaine, ecstasy, alcohol, weed, anything really… whatever and how much ever it takes to get me out of my head.

It’s always when I go too hard, when I dance the fine line between life and death, that I realize I want to live. So I live. But I don’t know why.

Anyway, some life updates:

I have not drank. Nope. Not a single sip. Can’t BELIEVE IT!!! 128 days. The real test is next week when I’m in Mexico for two weeks for my wedding.

We’re cutting off the weed. I’m trying to. It’s so so so hard. For what it’s worth, I have enjoyed my mindful evening walks with a joint in my hand.

I’ve been trying to remind myself why life is worth living. The sweetness and consistency in every day.

I got a job!! It’s part time & low stress.

Most of my depression circles around “what’s the point?” and “everything people want is just societal conditioning and I dislike people” …really light stuff.

It’s not that I dislike people if I’m being honest, it’s that I’m a really sensitive person, I don’t care that much about people’s actions, and I often take people literally. Sarcasm? We don’t know her very well LOL. Also I need a lot of alone time, like A LOT. People don’t always get that.

I’ve left shame, guilt, over apologizing, feeling insecure & caring what people think back in 2023.

So I fucked up and became a lil pothead again. It could have been worse. I think that it had to happen this way.

People make mistakes!!! No one is perfect!!! Let’s forgive others and ourselves!!! We’re doing the best we can!! It’s our first time being human!!!

SHE is trying to show me something.

Fall down seven times, stand up eight. More to come.