#( brain isnt braining lately lol )
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adhd comix
#man i dont even have the energy to be mad. im just tired#like. dont u love it when your parents exhibit symptoms of ADHD and your sibling is diagnosed with a learning disability#and instead of thinking oh shit what if the other one has smth too. they subject you to The Horrors#i cant bring myself to hate my parents. but im tired of feeling obligated to defend them when the thing they think is working#isnt actually working and ive just found other ways to cope to avoid any sort of conflict. like lying and stealing. lol#if someone took me aside and said 'hey so your brain doesnt make as much dopamine as usual and its not a bad thing it just means you#need external stimulation and reward system to function and youre not actually secretly fucked up or lazy' as a kid#im pretty sure i wouldnt be here rn with half the problems i already have. unfortunately getting diagnosed late means u dont have a teacher#to back you up at a parent teacher conference that forces your parents to take this shit seriously instead of ignoring it hoping itll#go away on its own. but hey what do i know i have squirrel ipad baby disease. what do i know about my own symptoms#AND. AND i think im allowd to be mad bc ive been doing my own research on this for years before and after diagnosis#theyve been putting me thru the WORST parenting techniques on earth. which they could have corrected at anytime but they were#comfortable thinking they were doing it right and didnt bother to check if they were or werent fucking up their kid in the long run#and refusing to acknowledge it. i just!! they just decided one day hey lets make babies!! and just looked at books on how to make#a human being survive as long as possible!!! what the fuck!!!!#im sorry for putting this on ppls dashes but i am. so tired. of bottling this up. and im not looking for sympathy or anything i just need#to scream and clench my fists to SOMEONE about it because theyre not gonna take this well up the ass. sigh#yapping#vent
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is now the time when i finally take out the license to be horny on main???
#miguel o'hara#spiderman 2099 spiderverse#spiderverse#atsp#spiderverse fanart#miguel o'hara fanart#across the spider verse fanart#across the spiderverse#i realized too late that his mask isnt really a piece of cloth#this is what happens when i just lol my way into these studies without reference#i had a lot of fun playing with his shape design and trying to exaggerate the proportions#its not really in my comfort zone#you do not know the way i gasped the first time he appeared#this film has gripped my brain and it wont let go#really considering to go to the cinema for the third time sjdbsbsn#fanart#artists on tumblr#digital art#myart
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very quick xunyang because they're good for my health.
[ID: a small, roughly colored bust sketch of a couple cuddling in winter cloaks. the taller of the two has his eyes closed and is happily pressing his cheek to the head of his partner, who looks over at him with a smile. their cloaks are black & blue and white & red. /end ID]
#read dawn chorus or dont either way if youre mean to me abt my canon/oc im legally allowed to grab a hammer#dawn chorus#wen xun#xue yang#(dawn chorus flavor)#my art#xunyang#this ID is lackluster bc i feel Really Bad lately im sorry. my brain isnt working lol
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fuck my stupudass baka life bro
#WhY DO I HAVE TO DISSECT COWORKERS' BRAINS TOO WHEN I ALREADY DO ENOUGH DISSECTION ON THE DAILY#LEAVE ME TF ALONE!!!!!!!!!#no dont actually. i need instruction in gross detail DONT JUST GIVE ME A SENTENCE GIVE ME A THESAURUS#surrounded by chemistry lovers as an anatomy king. fml#ANATOMY 🔛🔝🗣‼️‼️‼️#anyways. logically. it makes sense for me to follow manager's word and go to the new nightshift time#....even tho..#like.#it's not fucking there#on the . schedule#and manager isnt even on the schedule for my training at all LMFAO#so it's like. it makes sense. bcs i applied to be in an overtime position. so i SHOULD have night training#instead of what the official schedule has which is like 4 mornings 1 night training#BUT... EMOTIONALLY..#knowing the communication with the manager ive experienced rn... im guessing my coworkers had no fckin clue#of the sudden change either#but i dont have their numbers or know shit abt them#so like. do i wanna be a dick to the manager who emailed me new 'instructions' (a late btw lol). or to the coworkers#LOGICALLY. I GOTTA SIDE WITH THE MANAGER#BUT FUCK#IDK#IM SCARED
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A shame I wasn't able to find the motivation to finish my Halloween art in time for Halloween. Might still finish it and post it late for fun, especially since it's already lined.
Started it early and everything and I still couldn't make it. Oh well. That's what I get for getting distracted doodling silly stuff.
#text post#just rambling#Ive just been trying to keep my head on straight and doodling to distract myself these past couple weeks#that WIP has been sitting there...SO close to finished#I just had to color it... :( But coloring is a process I really gotta be in the headspace for#shoulda just slapped on some comfort show and powered through it so I wouldnt be late#but getting mad about what I didnt do isnt gonna make it magically happen lol#so late halloween art is my curse#sorry if I sound a little down for a bit its not the halloween lateness thats got me like this its more so just...#my brain. and my situation. I just gotta wait for the waters of my mind to calm back down#right now they waves are high. and Im just trying to keep my head above water the best I can#okay wow let me. just stop now yall dont wanna hear all that~! <3
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kind of want to rewatch cowboy bebop
#honestly i dont know why i just got this wave of nostalgia for some reason#i watched it in the middle of the pandemic. i distinctly remember binging it and eating icecream sandwiches#ik the pandemic was bad but i. i kind of miss sitting around.........#missing that 3 2 1 lets jam you know.#honestly out of all the watanabe productions its really not my most favorite.#space dandy and samurai champloo are my personal favorites#but i've been in a cowboy bepop mood lately. not sure why#its kind of sad though that its the most popular...WHERE ARE MY SPACE DANDY FANS!! HELLOOO#if cowboy bebop and samurai champloo are like bleach and naruto space dandy is like the gintama#which isnt a great analogy but i think it works.#not to mention the fact that the music SLAPS. honestly all three of them have great soundtracks but#space dandy really is my favorite. it just scratches an itch in my brain idk what to say#if space dandy has 1 million fans i am one of them if space dandy has 100 fans i am one of them if space dandy has#10 fans i am one of them. if space dandy has 1 fan that is me. if space dandy has no fans then i am no longer on this earth. thank you#oh and not to mention that the animation is stunning. they get experimental with it and its really cool#its done by the same people who animated mob pyscho i think. not 100% about that but im p sure#i would rb sooooo many gifs but. no one cares about it unfortunately :\#sorry this totally derailed. uh. now i kind of want to rewatch space dandy instead lol
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srry i havent been active i keep forgetting i have tumblr. whoops i am so smart
#my brain has been kinda spacing out lately anyways#so like. brain empty no thoughts yknow#nothing much to post on here because i cant think of what to post. LOL#or something that isnt redundant#like the same image of sova over and over /hj#ky shut up#my post
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guh i need to start getting out of my comfort zone of never really changing how characters look else then like. hair fluffyness lol. im always overly aware that i stick toooooo close to their canon designs for what i Want to headcanon them to look like yknow. grumble gurgle idk weird things i just can not get over for whatever reason . Like i know its very much also dealing with "hey i already drew this character once. this is now how they are in my art for the rest of time unless its an au!" when its like. NOTHING IS STOPPING ME FROM JUST. CHANGING HOW I DRAW THEM AND GOING ABOUT MY DAY. gargles rips my hair out
#talk tag#yes this all leads back to lucy somehow i keep staring at her like. okay my headcanons for her have already been#dramatically changed from what i had originally bc of gen 9. why is my brain not letting me Change#all this is not helped by the great bulbapedia miscolour/wrong hued frontier brain Agony Feelings of mine from last week#idk my brain just. doesnt like me and doesnt like doing anything that isnt a stock photo with some glitter pen on top art wise lol#idk . idk its late. never trust your brain after a certain time yadda yadda. IS THIS A VENT. I DONT THINK. IT IS?????? ACK
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"it's not fair, isnt it?"
if you couldnt tell i like murder mysteries, this is a ref to WKM with @socialc1imb's clue au. The Mystery² and the Murder amount is too high to count
Alt Lighting versions cause idk how light works
#not as confident in how this looks but i still like it#dont ask what lighting is i dont know her#i rewatched all of who killed mark for this lol#it odd that both things here involve the host of a gathering intending for the guests to murder eachother#while he also dies himself#also apologies if this isnt lore accurate i made thia like 2 days ago and there been more things out since then#oops#also this miiiiight be the last full art for a smidge#next one is gonna take a bit and i still gotta get Soul and Wholes redesigns out#also brain been a bit iffy lately so that too#im good dw tho#i still have doodles as well so art will still be a bit there#chonny jash#chonnys charming chaos compendium#cj whole#cj clue au#tw blood#tw blo0d#tw bl0od#idk why theres 3 full tags for that but just wanna be safe#tw death#please tell me if i need more i have no clue#hehe#get it clue#im so fuckin funny
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Not sure if I'll be doing anything more for artfight this year I am. suffering. sorry :(
#my posts tag#work stress making me panic because i dont want to work and i dont know how to run a business#i hate living w other people?!!? so much???????????#im isolated and lonely but also social interaction with ppl is hard and makes me feel ill#body image hater brain is also being really hard to ignore lately too!!#AND my bf hauve covid. for the first time ever. i dont have the energy to take care of him as i am busy mentally kms#and withdrawls still. and the new med isnt working.#and i have to be anxious about not being able to afford either new or old med#because of withdrawals. i think at least. intrusive thoughts are fucking UNIGNOREABLE i cannot swioe away the fucking mental notification#its auto playing loud videos in my head. healp#and i honestly dont enjoy art anymore. or anything at all really.#games and stuff i previously loved are announcing new stuff that should be exciting but its just burnout and fomo#i have no money and no income and it makes me feel awful even tho like yeah im didabled n finding work is fucking impossible??#been in bed like 2 days and when im not asleep im sewer slidal yaaaay#anyways all that was mostly for me. sorry#i have moments of faith and reassurance like yeah this IS a waste of my energy i KNOW itll be fine lol? but i cant. hold onto it.#and that specifically might be system related but so frustrating. can we please work together.
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Updated my anem files and did some gpose after being mostly stumped by the file just not working in game and idk why so its back to the beginning! But i did some gpose of not the oc I should be doing gpose of (Zee) but my dawntrail spoiler oc and my warrior of light from the AU where Belle Ze’bub and Kask’ov Amon’tillado are the big bads (and accidentally gave the two ocs the same haircut)! Things are quite wonky for my still and I’m just not able to be happy with much i do gpose wise (well for a while before the update) so hopefully I’ll just post stuff and not overthink it ;-;
#zeeara talks#it went from 11pm to 3am in like 30 minutes wtf gpose#and every oc looks so so good but I cant seem to be happy with any gpose i make..#late time bad brain time probably isnt helping#especially after blender has sufficiently proven to me i am very dumb lol#goodnight 💖
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i hope that everyone is aware that i am trying SO HARD to be normal but the universe is TESTING ME.
#i am trying ao hard not to fall back into old habits rn but jesus CHRIST brooooooooo#i havent been able to get barely any time with the staff i need for the past two days and now#theyre like 40mins late with my meds bc of another tenant#and its not even like theyre WITH the other tenant rn btw there are two members of staff sat in the office just talking#and its like bro. BROOOOOOOO#like they know this shit is SO triggering and i know they cant help some stuff but i still feel like i should be able to get my meds on time#if they arent actively with another tenant#its such a small thing but it helps my brain remember that actually they do still care abt me lol#all ive wanted to do since like wednesday was just watch a movie with my fp now that we’re cool again#and i was waiting in the lounge for like an hour and no one even came in#and its not like we planned anything so im not mad or whatever im just frustrated that#i had a rlly shit night last night and a pretty shit day today#and there just isnt anyone around to talk to bc theyre all dealing with someone else#or not even just sat around talking or whatever#idk this shit makes me wanna punch things burn everything to the ground and then kill myself if im being totally honest rn#and like last night and this isnt my therapists fault or anything but ahe wasnt able to pick up#and i managed to get thru it but it just added to the feeling like no one gave a shit#and its past nine again so she probs wouldnt be able to pick up now even tho i kinda need help again#idk this shit just. its so fucking triggering and i feel insane and so tightly wound#and ive been putting so much effort into my stupid therapy and i just wanna let go and have a full on meltdown again#i wanna take a bunch of pills and scream and cry and throw things and argue and just LET GO#cuz i feel like thats my ‘true nature’ and everything else is just me faking#or masking#AND IM SO FUCKING SICK OF IT ITS SO MUCH EFFORT AND I FEEL LIKE IM GETTING NOTHING BACK
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FUTURE ME : remember to write that canon about ray age regressing . you keep telling yourself you will & then you fucking forget >:(
AGE REGRESSION
ray has a tendency to age regress & i mean this in a coping skill way & not DDLG / age play way . he's not into that . ( he's fine if you call him baby / baby boy as long as you mean it as a term of endearment )
in times of great stress ray might feel the need to find a way of escapism . this usually involves him wanting to get away from everything , himself included . he does his by returning to his true form of ayrin & running around ' playing ' . ayrin's way of play usually involves murdering something . he'll terrorizer some random moblins most of the time . he happy that no one knows who he is & thinks he's just some kid running around hyrule . sometimes he' bother strangers . normally looking for someone to amuse him ⸻ unless hes age regressed due to depression : then he may look for someone to baby / take care of him . someone to be nice to a lost little kid .
during this he will try to avoid people he knows ( he doesn't want their first interaction with ayrin to be ... unplanned ? he'd rather prepare his friends or romantic partner as ayrin can be a handful ) , unless they know of ayrin . if they do he may enjoy being around him because as ayrin he has an easier time emoting & talking .
if he is talking to people who do not know ayrin & ray are the same , he may refer to ray as ' uncle ' or ' uncle ra - ra ' as ayrin once did in the past . he may even hype himself up if he ends up talking to someone he might like as ayrin ⸻ telling that person they should meet his uncle & that he's really cool lol
#⸻ RAY : about ✦ remember me i ask . remember me i sing ˎˊ˗#⸻ OOC : chatterbox ✦ seeker of darkness ˎˊ˗#( hope this makes sense )#( brain isnt braining lately lol )#( but ray being his own bby wingman is funny )
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Ya'll ever space out so hard while you're supposed to be doing work you don't even realise you started drawing?
#yeah that was me a few times today#I wasn't completely out#but at some point my brain turned off and I was doodling#jdwkdndjskj#I've doing it a lot lately I think lol#is this normal????#spaced out probably isnt completely the right phrase pffff#anyway im going the hell to sleep#see ya'll in 4-5 hours#JDKDJFNAKKF
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god wants me to kill myself sooooo fucking bad lately lol nice try bitch im queer
#you dont even fuxking know#the number of. literally impossible coincidences that have taken place to make my life just so much shittier lately#i have been sooo strong ive written like two dozen text posts just bitching and bitching about the sheer fuxking insanity of it and i only#posted like one of them im doing so good being so strong#that said i want to fucking die today lol this shit is melting my brain#it just never ends#the past two weeks have just been... so bad lol#i havent been able to see my bank balance in weeks i just know im so in the fucking hole it doesnt even matter#i havent had a working phone in a month#my family just vacationed in hawaii and im living in a moldy trailer#and the physical and mental health just go and go and go#and the mold grows and groes and grows#my friend offered me a top of the line pc for free and it felt like offering a homeless guy who loves music a grand piano#like yeah lemme just keep that under the bridge downtown where i stay lol#itll be fine#its like all the nice things id love to experience are dangled just out of reach of my fuckin cell bars lol#might fuck around and get addicted to a third substance in light of hope being a fool's errand in a truly random universe#life isnt guarunteed to get better no matter how long you wait or how hard you try actually and that is a hard fucking truth for everyone#alcohol is free and can keep your mind off how much mold & dust you breathe daily & breathed in the past 2 years & thats also a hard truth#also reading this i need to clarify in case anyone else reads this shitsheet. i do not want to vacation in hawaii. colonizer shit#what i wouldnt fucking do for just a week up by priest lake tho :(
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Girl help I keep thinking about freaking persona 4
#i have banned myself from engaging with any persona 4 related content (except for memes my sister sends me)#because yeah its genuinely deeply upsetting for me and i always feel like absolute shit#but aghhh for some reason my brain has been fixated on it this week thinking about all the offensive garbage it is#and i keep thinking of all the evidence i can gather definitively proving that the writing is sooooo homophobic/transphobic#which is a very easy thing to gather up and prove since its all over the damn place lol#but like im just so fixated on how awful the game is and how the fans are even worse and i have this urge to argue forever#something im sure a lot of yall can relate to#cuz god it hurts to be screaming at people that theyre hurting you and for them to just say no to you as if its up for debate#if this sounds dramatic cuz its Juat A Game liiiike no its not Just A Game this is about#my daily life requires me to argue my existence constantly and its the same for every other damn marginalized person out there#and idk if youre still gonna either ignore or deny that persona 4 isnt batshit insanely offensive then youre stupid#i dont have the patience to argue shit like this anymore because theres no way someone with a brain can deny shit like that#and quite frankly even well intentioned queer fans who try to make headcanons that either say fuck you to the game#or hcs that do nothing at all to challenge the bigotry in p4 are kinda annoying to me#cuz it hurts too much to play along like yeah id LOVE to just slap a rainbow on kanji and a trans guy badge on naoto#and call it a day and enjoy the game outside of it all but thats kinda impossible#when these two characters entire existence revolves around the bigotry and its done in a way that hurts like hell to see#its too real for me to enjoy even if i make positive ‘fuck you atlus’ fan art#yeah ughhhh whatever its just annoying cuz I’ve been doing a good job at blocking this game away from my life#cuz it brought nothing but anger to me but its just been something thats been stuck on me lately#and im really not sure what triggered this or why its been lingering so long like please stoppp#its really embarrassing to be having bad mental illness over a shitty bibleo game 🙄
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