#and i have to be anxious about not being able to afford either new or old med

[sparkleyiff]

Not sure if I'll be doing anything more for artfight this year I am. suffering. sorry :(

[mister-tom-a-dildo-lover]

Just a random thought I had.

I've been spending a lot of time recently going over what I know about myself and my behaviors and the way I have existed my entire life, and have been slowly coming to terms with the fact that I probably have undiagnosed Autism(and ADHD) and I will never have the money to get a proper diagnosis for this because being able to get to just a regular doctor is a luxury that I do not have.

As such, I have been putting all of my interests into perspective and thinking more clearly about the characters I like in the pieces of fiction I like and trying to draw similarities between them and how they behave, compared to me and how I behave.

This brought me to Tom Riddle, clearly. I've always been big into HP and it's influenced my fandom journey heavily. I've gotten into fandoms just because someone wrote a crossover with Harry Potter in their ship.

So, with that in mind, what is similar between me and Tom Riddle?

The special interests.

The obsession with collecting unique items.

The intense hyperfixation on his interests that causes him to monologue for ages about them in relation to himself.

Being exceptional at hiding how he really feels behind a mask to trick people into thinking he's normal like them.

Learning the right words to say to get by even if he thinks they're foolish or nonsensical.

Struggling with understanding emotions either from himself or others, and misconstruing what others are feeling based on his limited understanding.

Making his whole personality revolve around the Thing he's good at(Dark Magic).

Having no tolerance for other people because they cannot keep up with him.

Now that I am forced to come to terms with these things about myself, and even more things, thanks to a lot of help from others, I can't not review everything I'd ever shown interest in. Like, all of my favorite characters end up falling along the lines of depressed character, anxious character, or Autism-coded character. Or all 3 in a character. And I have all these issues and technically should be medicated for some but can't afford it.

And the thing is, I have considered similar characters to Tom, wondering if I'm projecting onto his type of character.

I like Hannibal, the TV show. My favorite character is Will Graham. And would you happen to know that he is depressed, anxious, and very Autism-coded? But the character in Hannibal, that Tom is most like, is actually Hannibal himself. And the ship for Hannigram feels very similar at times to the Harrymort ship, which is why a lot of people ship both.

But if I was to line Tom up beside Hannibal and consider what I know about both of them in relation to my undiagnosed Autism, Tom is the one who feels like he could be Autistic. Hannibal does not. Even with his special interests and masking and monologuing, and all their similarities on the Potentially Autistic List, Hannibal doesn't give me the same vibe. Will does, but not Hannibal.

So, I don't think this is me forcing the 'misunderstood Autistic villain trope' onto Tom. I think it's just that I've gained a new perspective on myself, and it has forced me to reevaluate everything I know about who I am and what I like and what draws me to those things in the first place.

It's kind of like how I liked Severus Snape as a character, long before I realized that I was depressed and that he was also depressed(I was 10 when I started the HP books). Like, the day I finally realized that I had depression(I was 17) and that wanting to kill myself and trying to are actually suicidal issues that I need help for, I thought of Snape. And a lot of things clicked.

Gaining a new perspective on yourself gives you new perspectives on everything else.

I am interested in pursuing these new thoughts in fanfic form in the future, ngl. And my reads of Tom going forward are going to be a lot more nuanced.

[helly-watermelonsmellinfellon]

Just a random thought I had.

I've been spending a lot of time recently going over what I know about myself and my behaviors and the way I have existed my entire life, and have been slowly coming to terms with the fact that I probably have undiagnosed Autism(and ADHD) and I will never have the money to get a proper diagnosis for this because being able to get to just a regular doctor is a luxury that I do not have.

As such, I have been putting all of my interests into perspective and thinking more clearly about the characters I like in the pieces of fiction I like, and trying to draw similarities between them and how they behave, compared to me and how I behave.

This brought me to Tom Riddle, clearly.

The special interests(Dark Magic).

The obsession with collecting unique items.

The intense hyperfixation on his interests that causes him to monologue for ages about them in relation to himself.

Being exceptional at hiding how he really feels behind a mask to trick people into thinking he's 'normal' like them.

Learning the right words to say to get by even if he thinks they're foolish or nonsensical.

Struggling with understanding emotions either from himself or others, and misconstruing what others are feeling based on his limited understanding.

Making his whole personality revolve around the Thing he's good at(Dark Magic).

Having no tolerance for other people because they cannot keep up with him.

Now that I am forced to come to terms with these things about myself, and even more things, I can't not review everything I'd ever shown interest in. Like, all of my favorite characters end up falling along the lines of depressed character, anxious character, or Autism-coded character. Or all 3 in a character. And I have all these issues and technically should be medicated for some but can't afford it.

And the thing is, I have considered similar characters to Tom, wondering if I'm projecting onto his type of character.

I like Hannibal, the TV show. My favorite character is Will Graham. And would you happen to know that he is depressed, anxious, and very Autism-coded? But the character in Hannibal, that Tom is most like, is actually Hannibal himself. And the ship for Hannigram feels very similar at times to the Harrymort ship, which is why a lot of people ship both.

But if I was to line Tom up beside Hannibal and consider what I know about both of them in relation to my undiagnosed Autism, Tom is the one who feels like he could be Autistic. Hannibal does not. Even with his special interests and masking and monologuing, and all their similarities on the Potentially Autistic List, Hannibal doesn't give me the same vibe. Will does, but not Hannibal.

So, I don't think this is me forcing the 'misunderstood Autistic villain trope' onto Tom. I think it's just that I've gained a new perspective on myself, and it has forced me to reevaluate everything I know about who I am and what I like and what draws me to those things in the first place.

It's kind of like how I liked Severus Snape as a character, long before I realized that I was depressed and that he was also depressed(I was 9 when I started the HP books). Like, the day I finally realized that I had depression(I was 17) and that wanting to kill myself and trying to are actually suicidal issues that I need help for, I thought of Snape. And a lot of things clicked.

Gaining a new perspective on yourself gives you new perspectives on everything else.

[saiyanshewolf]

Moving somewhere husband and I have been wanting to live for ages, and yet I don’t feel ready to leave our current home in my hometown. We’ve been in this house for less than a year, and it’s so close to my dad.

I’m just really scared. Our ability to move and live in our new house depends entirely on my new job and I’m just. So terrified.

I didn’t sleep last night and I can’t sleep tonight either even though I’m tired from packing things and moving things, and I didn’t even do much of that — husband did most of it, bc they’re stronger than I am and have better focus than I do.

Normally I would go snuggle them for a while (we sleep separately bc I’m such a light sleeper) to help with the Anxieties, but I know they’re really tired and they need to rest more than I do.

I’m just so scared. I’m worried about my dad, even though my sister also lives less than a mile away from him. I’m scared to leave the employer I’ve been with for so long, because they re-hired me after my last disastrous foray into academic librarianship.

I’m just really sad and nervous and I wish I wasn’t. I wish I could be excited. But I feel like so much is riding on me being successful at this job and I’m so scared I won’t be. I applied for the hell of it, I didn’t think they’d hire me, and then they did and the salary is more than double my current salary…

I know it’s the impostor syndrome and various other traumas talking, but still. I just…keep waiting for the catch, you know? Because there has to be one.

I don’t get to have good things, because I’m me.

And every time I think that, I immediately become more anxious that I’m somehow…manifesting tragedy.

Sigh. Maybe I’ll be able to afford a therapist, at least.

[arwenkenobi48]

I really need to be honest about how I’m feeling. I’m feeling really alone. I feel like I’ll never have an irl relationship with anyone, aside from platonic or professional ones and the knowledge of that is weighing very heavily on me because I want that so bad.

I need that. I don’t have anyone to hold me, nobody I can watch my favourite movies with. I don’t have anyone who I can make meals for, who can help me feel better when I’m having a flashback. I’d do anything just to have someone physically there to say they love me.

I’m starting to feel like I won’t find anyone who can fill that role and that it was wrong of me to expect to be loved when it’s genuinely such a foreign concept to me. It’s especially lonely because I feel like all of my irl friends have someone they can rely on for a kind of physical and emotional connection and I don’t. It all just feels so incredibly lonely.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m more than willing to share as much love as I can with a potential partner, but I just feel like I shouldn’t expect anything in return. Like I can give all I want but I’m not supposed to receive anything. I can’t sleep because I’ve been feeling so heartbroken that all I can do is cry my eyes out.

I’ve been wondering if my trauma is the reason I haven’t been able to find anyone yet or if there’s something wrong with me as a person. I feel like I’ve passed all the milestones where I was supposed to form a strong enough connection to consider committed relationships and now it’s too late. I’ve been struggling with feeing like I’m unworthy of being loved, but I feel like I won’t be, even if I am worthy.

My chest hurts when I think about it, like I can feel my heart physically breaking. I’ve been afraid to reach out to anyone because I’m worried that I’ll just be making things difficult and the few people I did try to reach out to didn’t respond. The bridge of Vincent by Don McLean is hitting really close to home rn. I just wish I knew what being loved felt like.

I wish I could actually form a close, stable bond with someone who I can feel comfortable and safe around, someone who I don’t have to hide anything from and who won’t use me. I wish I could just know what being consensually intimate with someone feels like. I want that and the closeness that comes with it more than anything else. But that feels like the one thing that I can’t possibly have.

There’s so many things in my life that I don’t currently have, but realistically I can see those circumstances changing for the better, even if it might take a little while. I don’t see that happening in this case and it genuinely breaks my heart to think about what that means.

I don’t know. I just hate how this feels. And I wish someone was here to dry my tears and cuddle me to sleep. I wish my religion didn’t prevent me from hooking up with people. I wish I passed better so that I wouldn’t have to break the news that I’m trans to people who might get the wrong end of the stick. I wish I wasn’t so financially unstable so I could afford to do nice things for/with others.

There’s just so much I wish I could do to make things better but ultimately I just don’t feel like any of it matters because nobody else will do the same for me. And if they did, I’d be so anxious about it being a lovebombing/manipulation tactic that I probably wouldn’t realise it even if it was genuine. I’m so scared of being used again. I’m exhausted from everything I’ve been through.

I know I’m not a saint by any means and I know I suck at communicating effectively and that I come across as either dry and unemotional or the opposite extreme. I’m so sorry for that. I just can’t stand this feeling anymore.

[mysteriouslybluepirate]

Doom post

At the end of this is a picture of my cat, so if you wanna just skip to that, feel free. She's great, healthy, etc.

Don't read if you're already anxious, in a bad place in life, are directionless etc.. I'm ranting about life stuff, so you know yourself best. If you want to read and are feeling shitty, just wait.

It's winter here in the US. If you are reading this past 4 in the afternoon, you're probably not happy.

So there's this new AI coming up, it allows people to put in a prompt, and essentially ask an ai to write it. This works from anything from school essays, to basic medical diagnoses(enough to tell a person to go to the hospital), to correcting computer code. For the next few years this will be an uphill battle.

I'm just going to ask this now, as a person who is mentally ill and it's hard to hold down a serious job. I can't work or live at a deficit.

What the fuck am I supposed to do with my life?

(For context I'm officially diagnosed with: ADHD, Bipolar Disorder 1 with psychotic features, Depression, and Generalized Anxiety disorder)

After 3 degree changes I wanted to go into English teaching, but that whole landscape will change. Why would a 12-year-old write an essay when they can use this program. In the US, our long-form essay-based classes need to change. Plus, I'm a lesbian with a wonkey gender presentation on a given day that lives in a red state. I'm already not safe, I'm not going to be poorer than now and in dept as a teacher. So that's a no.

I'm in a 10k-people dying retirement town 6 hours away from a 100k-people city. I've already worked most jobs locally and was either let go of or quit due to my being part-time due to college. Got gently let go of from Walmart cause they were getting rid of part-time night stockers. All these jobs were manual labor, no office jobs, no 'lazy' jobs that respect my free time. They don't exist here.

I've tried nursing school, computer science, and engineering as degrees. Around 40-50 credits for nothing. Nothing kept me hooked, I had to be uber-medicated for my ADHD to stay going. I was able to get through high school cause I hated myself and punished myself whenever I was underperforming. I'm to tired to do that right now.

As for jobs-

Retail killed me, I worked WalMart for a year, and another local family owned business for four months before giving up. Unless forced to, I won't be returning.

I've tried Railroad (very male-dominated work environments); it's a trade. I wanted to die, mostly 40-year-old men looking at a 5'9 twig and deciding that's enough of a joke to grab onto for a bit. Not to mention all the touching. That's all there is here, besides specializing in another trade, where I could just get treated as badly. Nursing (where I'll be harassed with a smile on my face like my mother) or fitting in with a red town.

My therapist tells me to 'just go into computer science'. She's one of those people that are convinced that anyone can get a degree and find a good job. She ignores me when I tell her how my ADHD makes it hard to focus on tasks. I just need to 'power through it' and It'll work out in the end.

Oh! And Comp Sci is expected to have an influx of people over the next 5 years at entry-level positions due to the pandemic. No one in my family actually believes me when I tell them this, but I'd be fucked after I graduate. It will be impossible to find work with just a degree. I can't afford to leave for an internship that could cinch me a job.

I can't leave. I can't afford to leave. I'm 20, 21 next month, with no friends whatsoever as I hop around in life. All my coworkers are bigots, rude, or high schoolers, leaving me feeling more alone. I'm stuck in a $ 13-an-hour dead-end part-time job, and don't see an out.

If I left town for college, the only affordable housing is my family in the state I live in. So if I specialize I'll just be at ground zero if I'm forced to flee back to home.

I'm not the fun type of mentally ill that's gotten obsessed with something capitalism can call helpful. I obsess over a pirate show for 6 months, and spend most of my days tired and zoned out. I've tried to be hopeful and find a career that suits me. In every single degree I've looked into that isn't too heavily math-based (adhd) or social-based (probably autism, but no one here is qualified for AFAB people) is going downhill. I don't want to be here for this shit anymore.

Obviously, I've got stuff to keep me alive as concerning as this post sounds. I needed to rant, I'm probably in an episode, and if I was that badly off, I wouldn't be posting online. At the very least I have OFMD s2/s3 to look forward to, and household are kind enough not to point out how much of a dead weight I am.

I've got shitty meds that don't work, and a therapist who didn't know gay people could get married...so there's that.

I can't figure out how to verify this account. I've tried, but I can't see private messages. Reblog/comment if you want to talk. But IDK.

Cat photo reward for making it this far. Her name is Polly. She says hi.

[x-v4mp3y3lin3r-x]

Buying stuff that is unnecessary but improves your quality of life is just so fun actually? I just got magnetic makeup palettes and they've made me instantly happy. I'd already depotted the eyeshadows I use often, because traveling with a bunch of bulky makeup palettes is annoying, but I'd previously just hot glued them inside of some random things I owned? Like I had my two main eyeshadows glued inside of a magnetic mini compact (since the eyeshadows weren't magnetic themselves), and most of my other eyeshadows were glued inside of a Gameboy shaped candy tin lol

So being able to put all of those in a proper palette, that takes up like 80% less space in my makeup case, is exciting!!! & I got to depot one of my favorite makeup palettes (the Profusion coffin palette with the Urban Decay Gash dupe, I've talked about it before) and it actually looks SO CUTE with it's little coffin shape

Obviously it's a little bare bones rn, but I need to buy some new black & white eyeshadows anyways since I can't repurchase my current favs. I need a new contour powder too, but I just got my first cream contour and I'm gonna give that one a fair shot before I replace it lol

I'm also sort of anxious/annoyed/worried? A lot of brands have been making their eyeshadows harder to depot without breaking, and basically all of my favorite brands have either stopped selling eyeshadow singles (Nyx??? Do they still sell them in store??) or changed the formula to an unbearable extent (RIP Wet n Wild eyeshadows you will be missed) so rn I'm just like. fucckkkk I can't afford to buy $30 palettes every year JUST for the black and white eyeshadows from them, especially if there's a chance they'll break

rn I want to try Sugarpill's eyeshadows when I get the chance, and I'm hoping and praying that I like them, because they seem like one of the last “affordable” (😭) brands that's not gonna discontinue their eyeshadow singles. so, recommendations for GOOD eyeshadow singles that I won't have to take out a small loan to buy? 😁

[nathank77]

8/12/24

10:45 a.m

Last night was the second night in a row where I had to double up on everything for sleeping pills.. it got to 12:35 a.m and I smoked weed cause I was fucking done and I did fall asleep...

I had one red bull in the morning, early, stopped caffeine consumption by 2 p.m. I didn't shower. I just watched TV and masterbated all day.

I mean I was stressed and am stressed about money but I dont understand. Do I have to go out every single day and sweat my ass off in the car just to fall asleep at night?

Tonight will be an all nighter assuming I can't sleep on the original dose of everything. I'll smoke weed only right before bed... then when the second dose would be coming assuming I don't fall asleep, I'll take everything except the xanax. I'll smoke more weed and if I'm not sleeping by 1 a.m I'm going to be a miserable sack of shit cause I'm going to keep myself awake until 8 p.m and then take the original dose and fall asleep... I'm not raising my tolerance. I'll take two nights of it but 3 nights are never going to be a thing.

I'm starting to think i have to leave the house or go in the attic everyday in order to sleep easily... it's fucking stupid bc I used to game all day everyday and only go shopping or run errands when I had to. Drink red Bulls, and eat whatever and fall asleep like a baby on my circadian rhythm. Then psychosis happened to me and everything changed.

Idk if it was the weed or the Xanax that finally knocked me out.

Tonight I'm 1000% smoking right before bed..... cause it does fucking help. At 12:35 a.m I had had the second doses all in me for a hour and I smoked weed I was gone in like 15 minutes.

Tomorrow and Wednesday I have appointments and shit both days. Dentist and bloodwork tomorrow, t shot and grocery shopping Wednesday so in theory I'll fall asleep bc I will be outside sweating in my hot box of a fucking car.

I want to go out now, go to bjs and cvs, I want to do my bloodwork, just to try fall asleep easily... but I already showered bc I didn't Saturday or Sunday cause I wanted a relaxing very low ocd weekend.....

And I don't fucking want to sweat, my car is a fucking hot box with the window sealed shut and the air conditioner hardly working. I already have to be sealed in the hot box tomorrow, Wednesday and Friday for new Hampshire....

I don't fucking want to sweat in the car just to almost ensure that I will fall asleep. I just want the weather to go to 40 degrees so my car isn't a torture chamber anymore and going out isn't horrible.

The weather is nice.... too bad my car will be 20 to 30 degrees hotter. It's fucking disgusting and makes me feel sick being sealed in without being able to open a window and then I step outside and it's 30 degrees cooler even on the 90 degree days!!!

There is a reason I've been being a homebody I'm sick of getting nasous sitting in my hot box. I just want the weather to go to 50-60 degrees the warmest so I can be comfortable again.

I can't afford an ac in my car. I can't afford a fucking motor in my windows. That's never happening, it's a luxury. So every summer I will melt and aviod going out more than once or twice a week.

Anyways I'm fucking pissed cause if my car wasn't a hot box I'd just run a few errands and I'm sure it would help me fall asleep easily tonight.

I'd rather not use weed but I mean I'd rather not have to pull an all nighter.

I'm not raising my tolerance. I refuse. If I don't sleep tonight, I'll sleep tomorrow it's whatever. If I don't sleep either nights I'll jump off a bridge.

I honestly just want to kill myself. I'm not allowed to drink red bull. Smoke weed. I'm not allowed to game. I'm not allowed to do anything if I want to sleep easily. Appearantly I have melt outside or in the attic and be fucking miserable and I can't have any enjoyment or relaxation.

I hate to say it but I'm a fucking homebody and I like relaxing and I don't want to fucking go out especially not in my fucking hot box.

So yea I'm anxious. I won't be raising my tolerance but if I can't sleep I guess I'm pulling an all nighter. And if I can't sleep the next night I'm committing suicide.

It's chill though I know my days are numbered and my quality of life will always be a zero. I can't even fix my ac in my car. I got to melt and I'm not getting a new bed. I can't even afford it on the new credit line, I'm too poor. Counting items in my house trying to control how much I buy and cutting things out.

I'm really done with being Alive. I obv have therapy twice today.... and that's stupid and then I won't have it any other days this week cause my life sucks and no one wants to work with me..

I'm sick of struggling to sleep. I'm sick of all of the things I enjoy being taken away from me bc the POS brain damaged mangled mess of neurons I have up in my brain isn't capable of sleeping easily if God forbid I enjoy a day with 1 red bull and I game or I watch TV.

Instead I must sweat in my hot box if I am to sleep.

I can't wait until it's black nothingness. This hallucination won't ever go away and life isn't worth living.

[calamityandme]

I think I need to update my tumblr on what’s happened this year.

I HAVE A FULL-TIME JOB. I got it around 4 months ago. It’s really good for me and it’s helped us so much financially. It doesn’t make me as horribly anxious as my other jobs used to. It’s still a job, but it’s much better on my body and mind. I hope I don’t fuck it up.

IM MARRIED!! I didn’t know if I would be able to afford my wedding at the beginning of the year/last year, but we did it with a LOT of help. It wouldn’t have happened without my parents, Danny’s parents and our loved ones. It doesn’t feel real.

If I have a wedding regret it’s that I really sweated the details. It was stressful, my husband forgot several things important for the ceremony lol. I also forgot the marriage license to be fair so it’s not all on him. It really was wonderful though. When I was about to walk down the aisle I was sooo anxious. I was terrified to be the center of attention and have everyone look at me. Once I saw Danny at the alter, everything was okay. He looked soo good. I had never seen him in a suit before. Our vows were perfect. I wouldn’t change them for a thing. His were so wonderful and I can’t comprehend that he loves me as much as I love him.

Two different couples I know are getting married soon! One couple around October, the other couple isn’t even engaged yet but will this year. Love is in the air. It’s crazy.

On some sadder news, I have had a lot of health issues lately. Last month I had a colonoscopy, then two weeks later was admitted to the hospital because I had several sinus pauses in my sleep. I wore a heat monitor for a month because I was feeling dizzy and lightheaded with some activity. I didn’t expect the heart monitor to actually catch h something abnormal. The longest my heart stopped beating was about 10 seconds. I thought I had sleep apnea. I may still have sleep apnea, but my insurance denied the sleep study. So every night I go to bed I have to accept the fact that I don’t know what will happen. Will my heart stop beating altogether? I wake up every day and just go about living as best I can. I have a doctor’s appointment for next month. Hopefully I can get a at home sleep study done or something.

On top of the sinus pause, my heart rate will go between 25 BPM to 175 BPM in a week/day. I think anxiety makes my heart rate go up, or the opposite that my heart rate being so erratic is making me anxious lmao. Either way my insurance doesn’t care. They denied me because they said I didn’t have a valid reason for needing a sleep study. I guess I won’t need a sleep study if I fucking die in my sleep so fair game.

My mom gave me an old Fitbit of hers to try to monitor my heart rate but I stopped using it. I just feel helpless when I can’t do anything other than try to be healthy. I am at the whim of my health care providers.

Now it’s after the business of the wedding and I’m trying to figure out how I feel. I’m head over heels happy and in love with my husband of course, but I feel like I can never catch a break. I just want to be able to stop and appreciate the moments I’m in now. It’s just really hard to.

I’m so happy and I’m in a much better place than I was a year ago, but I just am so tired. It’s hard to be positive when the world is on fire.

[uncloseted]

Sorry to vent but I dont know what to do with my situation. I live with my mum and she's past retirement age but still works. She's planning on retiring soon but she has no savings and the government only gives elderly people a few hundred dollars a week (we dont have 401k here). This money is not enough to cover living expenses (I pay weekly rent but the total is still not enough). I will need to get a second job to pay the mortgage and bills so we can keep the house. I told her I will do this

and she got upset and told me I make her feel like she can't retire. Money wise she can't without losing everything and living below the poverty line so that is why I'll do two jobs to support both of us. I just hate that she makes me feel bad that I make her feel bad when I'm only being realistic. I dont want us to be in poverty. I dont tell her this because it is a selfish thoght but she has always told me no matter what happens in my life there will always be a roof over my head with her but when she retires that wont be true because she could not afford to keep the house. I'm sounding like a selfish person but it's hard as a child (even though I'm a adult by age) to have that security taken away from you. Now I feel like I need to be the parent money wise and earn an income to look after both of us. It makes me more anxious at work because I can't afford to lose my job or get sick. I guess this is being an adult :/

First of all, your mom is putting a lot of responsibility on you and it makes sense that you would feel overwhelmed. I don't think you're being selfish at all, and I don't think that this is just part of being an adult, either. It's not fair for a parent to expect their child will be able to financially support them through retirement, and it's especially unfair to expect that when they know their child doesn't have that kind of money.

Beyond that, to me it sounds like you may need to have an honest conversation with your mother about what the financial situation you're in actually looks like. What do your expenses look like each month? How many hours would you need to work in order to afford those expenses combined with the money the government gives her? What would happen if those expenses aren't met? Is it that you're making her feel like she can't retire, or that she really can't afford to retire, and you're just being realistic about the situation?

Once you've laid out the situation with her, then you can try to problem-solve together. Would it be possible for her to move to a less expensive home? Are there expenses that could be cut or things that could be sold? Are there government programs, organizations, or religious groups in your area that might be able to help you out financially? I don't know where in the world you're located so I can't suggest any specific groups to look up, but if you want to tell me where you are, I'm happy to see what I can find. Another possibility would be to try and learn a new skill that would allow you to earn more per hour, so you can have more money to pay for necessities and support your mom. If you tell me a little bit more about your situation, I can also see if there are any programs in your area that might help you to develop skills to transition into a new job.

Finally, I know it's hard, but try to give yourself grace in this situation. You're doing the best that you can with what you have in a really difficult situation, and that's more than enough. This is a big change that your mom is introducing into your life, and it's okay to feel the way that you do right now.

[dear-happypills]

me: why am i so depressed

always. like, its not getting better...

happypills: you look fine to meh yooo. you look super star.

me: -_-;; i lost confidence in your support a long time ago.

sigh*

happypills: no, but really... i mean, i was asking my friend and his Host's, Jasons i think, situation just..... SUCKS.

like, living in a war torn country... like, you know?

like,.... just surviving.... to literally stay alive

compared to tthhhatt.... id say were doing pretty swell???

me: wait.... you have friends? what friend???

happypills: umm... my friend happypills.

me: wtf.... so when you say Host, does that mean i am your Host??? like how this other happypills is to this jason???

happypills: woww.... youre really not seeing the bigger picture here. all im saying is that you have a home, stable job, food on the table, money coming in....

me: ... and coming out because of all the shit you spend....

happypills: SEEE. why cant you focus on the positive. others think youre doing fineeee.

me: BUT.... IM NOT.

im not ...........

im stifled in anxiety for.... anything and everything... like im barely getting by each thing, every day.

... i..... wake up at night.

and think about some random shit -- past, present, future...

and i obsess over it. FOR HOURS.

and because i cant get sleep because of that, the next day i go to bed at like 8pm. but that turns to 12am .... just thinking. and lying on the bed. for 4 hours.

then i wake up around 1:30am... and do the same thing.

and turns to 4am.

and then at 5am im awake.... and go to work.

and rinse and repeat.

FOR WHAT??? like what???? i do all this just to survive too...

happypills: yea..... BUT i was speaking of surviving in terms of like... a bomb might drop ... and you lose a limb.

surviving like,.... youre starving.

surviving like,.... like someone might just bust into your place and rape you -- legit dick in butt type rape.

surviving like.... do i need to go on?

me: oh, so jason can afford happypills, but hes starving... thats me too. Bleh, ANYWAYS,... anyways,

i UNDERSTAND. but,.................. im drowning.

im....

in paralysis...

to a point where i cant go out of my home, aside from the routine i have of going to work and buying cigarettes.

happypills: ... yea, you really need to stop spending money on postmates.... and you tell me that i spend all your money??? just go out and buy McDonalds....

me: ...................................

.as i was saying....

i ..... am in paralysis. i .... cant ... explain it either. its anxiety... its depression. its stress. its ....

happypills: you just need to go out and meet some people???

me: UGH. you sound like everyone else; youre not listening...

i cant. just do that.... i dont know how to put something new into a routine ive made so that i can afford shit for myself....

JUST TO SURVIVE.

you know....

when i was in college, and students would take leaves for like a year or two.... or take a break from work and travel for a few months...

or something. to pause and change the pace.

that was never an option for me....

because the entire time....

i just want to survive. and get by. and if i took a break, the anxiety of falling behind...

would just get me to keep running....

happypills: oh jeez, its not like you have a PhD... or are a CEO.... or President... chillout

me: im not saying im climbing up... nor do i even want that.

i just.... need to keep a routine going.

a routine where i can exist.

because when it ends.

i dont rest,... but am anxious about not running...

so i forcefully, and barely, find a new routine.... and then run again, and run faster because of this fear of not being able to adapt....

and another cycle again. each time, worse and more difficult than before....

you know what i mean????

like.....yea, as you say, i know im not at immenent threat of being raped... but

i am just surviving....

....with this depression.

ugh........................................

..........................................idk..

i shouldve just.... taken a leave.

....

.

and never come back....

happypills: ....................................

.......................................

YEAaaaHHhHhhhhhhhh.......... ...................

BUT im still not really getting this surviving thing..

i mean compared to jaso..............

me: fuck you.

- happypills

[lovingdabeessss]

GIRLY POP I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOUR TAGS BUT P L E A S E REBLOG THE POST WITH THIS STUFF WHY LEAVE IT HIDDEN

Also your welcome for bringing this to your attention yeah they have never been apart this long last time they we’re going to Yang spent her time personally training Ruby to make sure she could SURVIVE without her like Ruby can’t fight without a weapon

Because like why would Yang train her with that prior if she was always around to protect her

She was so anxious to leave Ruby

And clearly from how Ruby acts the in the first episodes she’s also anxious to be without Yang but they’re both aware they have to separate so they can figure out who they are without each other

Ruby needs to prove to herself and Yang she’s capable

Yang probably realizes that being so protective of Ruby and doing so much for her she’s actually harmed Ruby as much as helped and also knows she’s also hurt by how attached they are

I personally love to think of yang getting older and realizing maybe she didn’t do a PERFECT job raising a child as a 5yr old and being devastated about it like she should’ve been able to be an incredible parent after not being raised

Like 14 year old Yang realizing she messed up ruby’s ability to trust adults cause yang doesn’t and being like 😬

But she can’t just SAY she messed up to Ruby how’s she’s supposed to phrase “I messed up raising you” without it being an insult

I gotta not ramble I could talk about the complexities of Yang and Ruby forever siblings in tv is all I care about and it’s also really hard to talk about without someone thinking I’m insulting either of them

But back to the point the fact that the first time they were apart was also losing almost everyone they care about and because they’re apart that includes each other

Like Yang lost her arm her future as a huntress which is what she was RAISED FOR her partner who’s who knows where her team her sister was in a coma and then she saw her once when very upset and then she’s GONE her uncle left she’s only left with her father occasionally who seems to leave a lot and she’s left to do all the chores alone??? With one arm??

Ruby just woke up from a coma Friend? Dead team? Gone school? Destroyed magical destiny laser vision responsibility? Gained now she’s off on her own leaving to fix the world on foot cause she does not have a license because she is a child and her sister who’s been her only consistent reliable caretaker for majority of her life is not here and she might not see her again for YEARS because

And I’d like to say this over and over and over again

The fact that Yang got a new arm is a HUGE STROKE OF LUCK and no one should have expected it

Atlas seems like the only place that makes them and not only is communication completely down but atlas specifically is shut down

They clearly couldn’t afford it tai doesn’t say he was going to get one he says pull some strings bionics and prosthetics are super expensive they’re a single parent teacher household that’s not a thing they could reasonably get without struggle anyway

He says it super casually but tai is like that it was probably very very very unlikely they could ever get it even with his many many strings especially with the crisis to security going on sending a weapon like that away on a whim for free doesn’t seem like an amazing decision they’d be jumping to do

The only reason they got it is because it was already sent without any talking it was a total surprise every one of yangs teammates probably believes she is never going to be able to come back into the fight unless she learns to fight with one arm which would take a LONG time

So rubys dealing with all that as someone who was raised by Yang with the only intention of becoming huntresses for their entire lives

The poor baby’s

@incredibly-unprofessional HOW DARE YOU THINK ABOUT THINGS I HAVENT EVEN PONDERED ON M Y POST

Also jaune both has an older sister and can definitely relate with this with Ruby and also is an older brother of many younger sisters so is probably happy to be seen like that again

Also he’s definitely used to being called the wrong name because he has a billion siblings

Also poor Ruby is leaving home for what could be YEARS knowing yang CANNOT follow her or be with her or anything and she didn’t even say goodbye and she’s just completely without her sister for the first time ever like they can’t even CALL it’s got to be so devastating for Ruby not to mention she’s doing this after two or more of her close friends have died and she JUST WOKE UP FROM A COMA

Yang has no idea calling other people Yang is a thing Ruby does and is very confused when people start to respond to her name when she gets to them

Yang: my name

All of her friends: o u r name

Yang:????

Also I can’t draw jaune I’m not ashamed of this but it is true

[wickeddruig]

false god

pairings: druig x fem!reader

summary: you discovered him at a museum and decided to visit him at his amazon village. he’s annoyed that you worship false gods instead of him

warnings: worship kink, praise kink, religion used for sexual pleasure, oral (male), riding, ass slapping, breeding kink(not really but kinda), nipple sucking/play, unedited

word count: 1.8k

you stood in front of a large statue, you were in an art museum, the statue was of a greek hero, your favorite actually. hades, god of the underworld. this statue in particular was interesting because he was naked and the statue was huge. meaning his cock was huge. you found fascination about what it would be like to have sex with a god.

you were sure if you believed in them but you were definitely intrigued by them. the stories of them, their drama, they were quite messy and that’s what you most found interesting about them. you took out your phone and took pictures of him, every crevice you could with your phone. you liked to draw sometimes so you liked to take pictures for your references.

you walked out of the greek mythology section and into the section of the eternals, greek mythology and eternal mythology were very different yet similar. just like any other mythology there were gods that were the same with different names. the thing you found interesting about the two was that the names were almost similar and they had the same powers for example with greek mythology theres athena, goddess of war and for eternal mythology there was thena, goddess of war.

the thing that made them different was that there were rumors that the eternals were still around whereas no one really knows with greek mythology. a lot of people worshipped the eternals, you didn’t worship anyone in particular, you just thought religion as a whole was interesting. people coming together and people believing in someone just for a little hope, there was nothing wrong with that.

one eternal in particular that you did like was druig. from the article next to his statue it says he’s the reason why the eternals split up. that he didn’t like the wars and he wanted to interfere. he was upset because he couldn’t and that he left that group and relocated to a small town.

another article says that the town was the amazon forest. you weren’t aware of this and begin to impulsively think of going to visit. it would be cool to meet a god, wouldn’t it?

—

you weren’t usually the impulse type but you thought ‘what the hell’ and booked a flight to the amazon. you had traveled before so this would be nothing new. you booked an air b&b type of situation. they weren’t very modern in the amazon but they also weren’t too non modern either.

you could definitely see how a god could be running a community there. you were really interested in getting to know why not many other people visited there to see him but maybe because the eternals still being alive was a rumor and not everyone can afford to go visit somewhere just to speculate rumors. but also it had the location in the art museum?

his eternal power was mind control which in your mind made him the most powerful so he probably put that into good use. as the plane landed you took a look at the community, there were a few people on the plane with you, very few people though. the family of the house you were staying at we’re waiting for you.

considering how anxious you get, you got nervous that they wouldn’t be able to recognize you or you wouldn’t be able to spot them so you asked for pictures and they were kind enough to send pictures to you.

“Hello” the husband greeted you, the wife smiled

“Hello” you greeted back

“Our home is right over here, not too far so we can walk, we were actually getting ready for sunday service, feel free to join us if you’d like” the husband took your bags and began to walk towards his home.

“I would love to” you said politely, of course you would to see how the community spent their days and how they lived their lives, you always wanted to live in a small village where you didn’t have to worry about bills and your only job was to contribute to the village.

you reached the village and they showed you to your room. you bought you unpacked a few things and headed back out so the three of you could walk to service. you had your notebook that you kept all of your research and mythology facts in. you figure whoever was running the service could maybe add more to your knowledge. maybe you could even see them agrees to see what they knew about the eternal god.

you entered the building, there were seats but not a lot of them. not many people were there yet so you told the couple you were staying with that you wanted to sit up front. you wanted to be seated right in front incase you had any questions. you knew service wasn’t a place for questioning but you weren’t familiar with this community so you just wanted to be sure.

more people and more people started to pile in and pretty sure the room had been filled the person who ran the service wasn’t there yet. that was kind of rude, you thought. almost immediately after that thought you heard the door behind you and everyone turned back to see the person enter the building.

you were mesmerized, the guy who entered the building was for sure druig, the eternal god. you couldn’t fucking believe it. he was just here? like that? preaching to people?

you made eye contact as he walked to the front.

“i’m seeing new faces” he said, he had a thick voice and a raspy voice. it almost made you melt “meet me after service”

service went on for quite a bit, he talked about good verses evil and how people should try harder to be good. he talked about how terrible wars were and how they were a danger to the human kind. we couldn’t handle wars like gods could so we should leave it to the gods.

the man was very into philosophy you could see

he kept looking over at you, making direct contact and even holding eye contact for long periods of time. he sometimes would lick his lips and smirk at you. you couldn’t help but feel flustered. something about his turned you on and you almost felt dirty thinking about the things he could do with his lips during his own service.

eventually service was over and you stayed back as you were asked. druig went to the doors and locked them, then he sat behind you, playing with the ends of your hair. you stayed still looking forward, taking in the empty room in front of you

“such beautiful hair” he leaned forward and whispered into your ear “what’s your name”

“y/n” you answered your breath almost getting caught in your throat. you gripped the notebook in your hand which made druig notice it.

“what’s this” he took the notebook out of your hand and flipped through it “you people always worship false gods”

you didn’t know what to say to that so you didn’t say anything. druig sat up and took a seat next to you flipping through your notebook and landed on his page. it wasn’t filled with much but you two sat in silence for a bit.

“would you worship me” druig asked, you looked up at him and nodded your head without a second thought. this man was a god for a reason, how could you not?

“then get on your knees and worship me” he said again, you immediately got on your knees in front of him. he wasn’t mind controlling you but he damn well shouldn’t. you sat in front of him as he palmed his erection “go on”

you looked up at him as he lifted his hips to pull his pants down. you grabbed his godly length in your hands and kissed his tip. you slowly started to take all of him into your mouth before he was completely in your mouth, luckily you didn’t have a gag reflex. you looked up at him and his eyes were closed. you began to bob your head and you took his balls into your hand. massaging them as you worked your head up and down. eventually he opened his eyes and you looked into each other’s eyes as you sucked him off. typically you didn’t go around having sex with random guys or giving random guys head. but this was no random guy, this was a guy.

“i’m going to cum” he groaned out “swallow”

you did as you were told, keeping eye contact with him. he put his hand under your chin, lifting it up to look at him. “you’re so beautiful, y/n”

you were stunned you didn’t even know what to say, a god thinking you’re beautiful? telling you that you are beautiful. people would only dream of this.

“now, get up here and worship this cock” he said brushing his hand over his cock.

you climbed on top of him and he buried himself inside you. you started to grind on him, he grabbed your chin and and pulled your lips to his, kissing you. his hand were roaming your body until they found your ass. he slapped it lightly at first, he slapped it again but harder this time which caused you to moan. you felt like he was testing how rough he could get with you.

“you’re so tight” he groaned when he moved his lips from yours. he still had his hands on your ass but this time he was gripping both cheeks. he complete took over thrusting himself inside you, he was moving so fast that you wrapped your arms around his neck and buried your face in his neck. leaving small kisses on his skin.

“druig” you moaned into his neck “fuck, my god”

“yes, worship me” he said thrusting inside of you faster. you threw your head back and he took that moment to take your nipples into his mouth, using one hand to slap your ass and the other to play with your free nipple “i could worship these”

he said referring to your boobs. you felt yourself getting close to your release. he kept slapping your ass with the hand that was gripping it. you were starting to think he was becoming obsessed with.

druig couldn’t get enough of your ass, it was so plump. it was big but it definitely wasn’t small, it wasn’t like the other girls in the village. not like he had sex with any of them, that felt wrong. but he knew when he saw you that he had to have you.

“can i come?” you begged him

“yes, beautiful” he moaned out, you let out a scream, throwing your head back and curling your toes. he was still thrusting inside of you. until he came inside of you. “with my seeds inside of you, my village should worship you too”

“i can make you a goddess” he whispered into your ear.

[fernweh-writes]

I love everything you write 😭😭💕 can you do Stu dating headcanons? I need more Stu content on slasher Tumblr 😩

Anything for you hun. I agree, there is simply not enough Stu content which hurts my heart. He is one of my favorites and he truly deserves more content. Guess I’m going to have to write the Stu content we all long for lol. I’m glad you enjoy my writing and hope you enjoy these headcanons!

-Fern🌿

Dating Stu Would Include:

This man would probably go overboard with bringing you flowers. He has the money to afford plenty of fancy floral arrangements and all it takes is you mentioning that you love when he brings you flowers. Pretty soon you’ll be getting flowers just about every time you see him. Definitely knows all of your favorite flowers and favorite colors of said flowers. Would also be the one to learn flower meanings just to be extra romantic and cheesy about the whole thing.

Speaking of cheesy, he has a secret soft spot for romcoms. He thinks they’re corny and dumb and that’s exactly why he likes them so much. Please don’t tell Billy that Stu enjoys movies that aren’t horror he will never be able to live it down. If Billy catches the two of you watching one Stu will 100% throw you under the bus. Billy can just call him a simp for watching a movie that you definitely picked out. “Sorry babe, I’ve got a reputation to keep up here.”

Would definitely keep you away from the whole killing thing, and does a pretty good job of it! That is until he comes home covered in blood one night and you just HAD to be grabbing a midnight snack from the kitchen. However, this man is. Not above eating on his knees and (dramatically) begging you to stay if you get super freaked out. Will tell you anything you want to know if it means you’ll stay.

Don’t think just because Stu promised not to kill the people you care about means he won’t kill anyone you know. Hopefully finding people you told Stu about being mean to you or annoying you showing up on the news completely gutted doesn’t freak you out either.

Dinner dates are a big thing for him. He loves to show you off and get a chance to spoil you. Besides, he gets to see you all dolled up just for him which gives him a major ego boost but also makes him feel more possessive over you.

If you ever complain about not having anything to wear you better prepare yourself for a major shopping spree. He’ll pick out things he thinks will look good on you and make you try them all on. He wants a whole fashion show in the fitting room. “Come on babe, give me a twirl.” He wants to see your outfits from every angle. Don’t worry though, Stu will carry the excessive amount of bags for you. He works out for a reason after all.

He’s a total dork but he’s YOUR dork. Stu is loud and extravagant in every sense of the word and isn’t afraid of being the center of attention. He doesn’t care about people giving him annoyed looks or glares, in fact he’s probably completely oblivious to it. This means you somehow become the center of attention…but by association?

Stu does love hosting huge parties as well but won’t push you to attend them if you’re shy or anxious. He’s more than okay with you just hanging out in your shared bedroom. You won’t even have to leave and face the crowd since he’ll be bringing you snacks and drinks as an excuse to come visit you and cuddle for short intervals. Expect a few make out sessions as well. After all, if he’s going to go all the way upstairs to see you he’s going to make it worth the while.

Surprisingly, he doesn’t put up with others making jokes about the two of you. Comments about him being gone for to long and coming back with messed up hair simply aren’t tolerated by him. Any kind of locker room talk regarding you can quickly result in said person being decked by yours truly. Only he is allowed to even think of you in that way. Any girls telling him that they could treat him better than you ever could are also quickly disposed of. You’re his and he’s yours end of story.

Is really good at comforting you, like surprisingly good at it. Stu usually seems like he couldn’t be serious if his life depended on it but he’s actually a very attentive and active listener. He doesn’t like to see you upset but understands that you can’t always be happy. If you just need to sit in silence for awhile he’s there to hold you. If you need some alone time he’s more than okay with that and he’ll go annoy Billy. Need to rant? You can call or text him anytime and he’ll be just as outraged/upset as you are. If you need cheering up he’ll show up with plenty of drinks, snacks, gifts, and of course cuddles.

[tandy-angel]

especially because hours have been cut drastically because a gm costs a lot apparently and one manager is trying to leave and one went on maternity leave and suddenly everyone's taking pto and so (assistant ?? general) manager works doubles every other day 6am to 10pm certainly in overtime and then we have 3 cashiers all day one morning one night and me covering midshift until 6:30 like it's crazy but apparently business isn't good enough and they raise prices and it's not helping enough because even though we get busy and cant handle it we can't afford to be properly staffed and not being able to handle it will make things worse when people have to buy expensive food then wait a long time for it

i do what i can but fuck. i have adhd and anxiety up the ass and (assistant gm) manager was not lying when she said something like "the book doesnt say what to do when all your cashiers have anxiety" we're all either fucked up or do not give a damn and more and more are not giving a damn and i think we need jose back. he could fix us not this damn new bitch who is weird with me

speaking of him i cannot tell if my neurodivergent ahh self is reading the room wrong and he is a normal middle aged man but sometimes the way he says things.... with jose this shit was normal because fuck, man. jose was weird and fucked up and [a manager] was probably right about him having ocd or at least he had something. other than mild anger (?) issues and a hell of an impatient personality. he was funny in a neurodivergent way and if he wasnt, then somehow i understood. or maybe im just attracted to fucked up people idk

anyway this new guy i dont get him at all. just the other day i was doing every single cleaning task and balancing dishes inbetween cleaning the bathrooms and taking out the trashes and wiping down tables, bussing, and mopping the floor up front (the whole dining room + bathrooms + front counter) and we get a mild rush and he's the only one up there for drive thru and dine in so he calls me from cleaning the bathrooms and i come and so we deal with it and so i say "im gonna go finish cleaning bathrooms, unless you still need me?" we have about 2 orders left to get out to people and are waiting on back of house. and he says something to affirm, and "i always need you" then laughing it off

?????

the thing is, i could see jose saying something like that. hell, maybe he has said something like that. but it was different before. maybe it's just because i can't read the new guy but some of the things he's said, the way in which he conducts his manner ??? dare i say it borders on him flirting. but like dear godddd i wouldnt say it like that ever. i've never said it out loud and typing it out feels as if i've overstepped. but he acts weird. he's always sorta laughing at me when i do things that ?? amuse him ?? in a way that i don't notice with others. like it feels almost like he's patronizing me, like he thinks he's playing around with me, like we're joking together, but he's still in a position of power, you know? i don't get it. but i do know that it's weird

it feels like he's patronizing me, most often, but it's gentle, and without any mean spirit. and even though i suck ass at being a trainer and i clearly showed i was a bit anxious to tell people what to do? he still comes in, treats me as a trainer, treats me with respect, and asks me if i want to be a shift lead, told me to tell him if i feel like i change my mind, and want to be a shift lead in the future (aka a manager). like what the fuckk ??? i feel so many complex emotions around this man like i did Not like him at first, honestly the fact that he wasn't jose definitely made me prejudiced against him but he does little things sometimes that are just different. and so i pick at him and i understand it's hard to be the new guy, but i was never on his side. still, he makes me feel weird.

speaking of people who make me feel weird. !!! how's having a crush on a manager who's 4-5 years older than you? lmao

i can't get over this or over her, honestly, i am just a little fucked up in terms of attraction. show me an ounce of care, an ounce of kindness, and i'm in love with you forever, i'm serious. whatever. i'm done talking about her, i just had to mention it. i chatted with a former coworker and they warned me away from her with inside information. still, i fall.

ah, well. i should keep on writing that food service comedy (based on the funny shit that happens at work)

still, the office was never the same after michael scott left. without jose the ratings will fall

sometimes i like working in food service and feel like i could do it forever but today two hours felt closer to two hundred

[mypoisonedvine]

You, Me, and Him | (dark)Bucky Barnes x reader

summary: the worst thing about the man who did this to you is that he’s convinced he isn’t the one who did this to you (or, brainscrambled bucky decides to keep the gift that the winter soldier left for him)

word count: 4k

warnings: smut (noncon), yandere-ish themes, stalking, kidnapping, very unstable/erratic bucky, slapping, creampie kink, praise

When you opened your eyes, you wondered why your room looked so strange.  What possible angle could you be looking at your ceiling from that it would be like this?

However, when you turned your head, you suddenly realized that you were not in your room at all.  The next thing you realized was that your hands were restrained— shackled, specifically, and suspended above your head.  Obviously, this realization shot ice-cold terror through your veins as you began to try to understand how you’d gotten here.  Now that you thought about it, you didn’t remember going to sleep in your room: no, you’d been out shopping, in the middle of the afternoon.  Why couldn’t you remember anything after that?  

Your head spun when a door nearby opened, and the man that awaited on the other side brought it all back.

He was following me.  I tried to lose him, I turned a corner, but he was right there— and there was a syringe in his hand… and he must have—

“Oh my god,” the man gasped, “shit— are you okay?”

You stared at him in confusion, already starting to cry as you put two and two together about all this.  Generally, only one thing happened after a man drugged a woman and chained her to a wall.  The part that didn’t add up was the terror on his face as he rushed to you and knelt down in front of where you were lying— why was he worried about you?

“Oh no, oh nonononono,” he whimpered, mostly to himself, “oh god, I didn’t— this wasn’t… oh fuck.”

“Please let me go,” you started to plead between sobs, “I don’t know what you want, but I don’t have any money… I’ll give you whatever I have, I won’t tell anyone, just let me go, please—”

“No, no, no,” he shook his head quickly.  Either he wasn’t listening (bad) or he was denying your request (worse) and both possibilities just made you cry harder.  He, meanwhile, was rocking back and forth in front of you, covering his ears with his hands to muffle your cries.  “Oh god, what have I done, what have I done— what did I do?”

“Please don’t hurt me,” you whimpered.

“No, no, I won’t— I would never do that…” he sighed.  “I would never do anything to hurt you.”

You squinted as you tried to make out what that meant, sniffling as your crying subsided a little (mainly from being distracted by the confusion of it all).  “Do I… know you?”

He chuckled a little, scratching the back of his neck nervously.  “Uh, no, not really, I’m— my name is Bucky,” he explained, “I— you might have seen me on the news, but that wasn’t really me, that was this other guy—”

“Why did you do this to me?” you interrupted.

“No, see, that’s the thing: I didn’t do this to you.  It was… it was somebody else.  He’s… he’s in my head, and every once in a while he takes control and sort of does his own thing…”

Not that anybody who kidnaps somebody is totally right in the head, but this guy is certifiable.

“And he did this to you.  Don’t worry, it’s gonna be okay,” he assured you, though it wasn’t comforting at all, “I’m not gonna hurt you, I would never— I won’t do that, okay?  I’m just gonna… I’m gonna let you go.”

You sighed with relief, although some voice in the back of your head told you not to trust him just because he seemed regretful.  Regardless of his strange excuses, this was still the man who kidnapped you.

“You don’t believe me,” he realized with an awkward smile.  “It’s okay, I understand.  I wouldn’t believe me either— god, I must sound crazy, right?  But I’m not crazy.  I don’t think…”

This time your sigh was less relief and more irritation.

“See, I was, uh, tortured.  Experimented on.  That was a long time ago, and I’m mostly over it, but this other guy— he’s a soldier.  I guess I am, too, but he’s… more on the war crimes side of things.  Like, assassinations and stuff.  That’s a whole other story…”

I think I’d prefer to hear that one.

“Anyways, sometimes I get sort of… messed up?  Up here?” he gestured to his head, leaning back to sit on the floor in front of you with crossed legs.  “Like, I can’t tell what year it is or how long it’s been since I’ve slept.  My psychiatrist says I’m ‘losing time’ and that it’s normal for people with… whatever it is that I have.  But it’s scary, you know?  Because I don’t know what I’ve done in that time.  So today, I woke up and had no idea how I got where I was—”

Same.

“And I came down here and… you’re here.  I didn’t… I didn’t do this, I can’t stress that enough.”

“So… this other guy…” you tried to understand, hoping that appealing to his twisted sense of logic would get him to tell you something actually useful, “he did this?”  Bucky nodded.  “Does he do this often?”

“What, kidnap women?  No this is… this is new.  As far as I know.”

“Why me?”

“Uh…” he stalled, looking away.  “God, this is sort of embarrassing, but… it’s probably because I sort of have this, um, crush on you…”

“You don’t even know me,” you mumbled.

“No, you don’t know me, but I… I know you,” he nodded confidently.  “Do you remember a few months ago when you went to that art gallery by your apartment?  It was raining that day, I couldn’t tell for sure if you came in to look at the art or if you were just trying to get out of the weather but, anyways, you had on this big puffy coat— ‘cause it was cold out— and you took off your hood and you just looked around… I saw you, cause I was in there to look at the art, too, and you looked so beautiful.”

You were getting anxious.  He said he would let you go but he hadn’t really made any progress on that goal.

“And I sort of followed you after that, and watched you— I mean, that sounds really bad, it wasn’t like that, I just… I just wanted to make sure you were safe and—”

“Let me go, Bucky, please,” you interrupted, getting more desperate.

He shook his head with a sigh.  “You’re right, you’re right, I’m sorry… I just haven’t had anyone to talk to… you’re a good listener.”

Yeah, everybody’s a good listener when they’re tied up and forced to listen.

“Just let me finish my story and I’ll let you go.  I was kind of in the middle of something.  You know, it’s rude to interrupt people.”

Oh fuck.  You’d angered him.  It was subtle, but he was clearly irritated; he looked at the floor, and his jaw tightened a little.  It must have been that this candid talk made you forget he was unstable and that you needed to tread lightly.  You couldn’t afford another mistake like that.

“I’m sorry, Bucky, finish your story,” you offered.

“Okay,” he nodded, “well, anyways, when you came into the gallery you looked around for a while but there was one painting you kept looking at— do you remember it?” 

You shook your head.

“Really?  You must’ve stared at it for half an hour.  I swear I saw you tearing up a bit,” he smiled.  “Clearly it had an effect on you.  I wasn’t sure if you were considering buying it, or if it would make you upset to see it in your house every day, but the way you looked at it… it changed everything for me.  You smiled at me as you left, just a quick glance— I’m not offended that you don’t remember me just from that, if anything it’s good because it made it a lot easier to trail you, but… I knew then that you were such a kind, soulful person.”

“Oh my god,” you groaned, “I remember… I remember that.”

It was so cold out that the rain was nearly frozen.  You’d gone in to escape the elements, but one painting drew you in.  Someone else was there, a man that you remembered thinking was attractive but a little eerie with the way he just stood there, seemingly even more purposeless than you.  He smiled at you as you left, and you smiled back.  You were just trying to be friendly.  No good deed, though, right?

“Do you remember the painting?” he asked again, leaning in a little closer with innocent hope sparkling in his eyes.

“Yes,” you nodded, “it was… it was a woman, and she was looking away from the viewer, out over the water.  She looked sad, but determined, like she was thinking about something impossible to describe.”

He smiled wide then, apparently impressed by your description.   “Look,” was all he said as he pointed to the wall beside you— and as you turned your head, you gasped as you saw it: it was the painting, even more hauntingly beautiful than you remembered.  You started to cry again, because somehow it was this show of disturbed affection that made you more sure than ever that you weren’t going to get out of here.

“Don’t be scared,” he soothed, moving closer again and wiping the tears from your face gently.  “It’s gonna be alright.”

“Please let me go,” you whispered shakily, looking back at him, straight into his eyes, as if maybe you could find some sanity there to appeal to.

He frowned a little as he pulled back, bringing his thumb to his lips to chew the nail nervously as he thought.  “See, here’s the thing…”

“Bucky, please—”

“I don’t think I can do that,” he sighed.

“Please,” you cried, the word starting to lose all meaning as you just fought to be able to speak past the force of your sobs, “please, please—”

“You could tell somebody— and I know it wasn’t me, but the police aren’t gonna care about that.  I always have to take the heat for what he does… and I would just rather not go to prison.”

“I won’t, Bucky,” you feverishly defended, “I wouldn’t tell, I swear— we’re friends!  Friends don’t tell on each other—”

He interrupted you as he grabbed you by your shirt suddenly, pulling you towards him as you recoiled.  “I don’t have friends,” he growled.

“We… we could be friends,” you offered weakly.  “I could be your friend.  Do you… do you want to be my friend?”

He studied your face, the gaze of his bright blue eyes burning through you instantly.  “I can’t say that I do.”

You whimpered as he leaned in closer, taking a deep breath right against the side of your face.

“You smell so good,” he whispered, his left hand— bionic metal, much to your horror— reaching up to trace over your face and hold you close to him.  “We aren’t friends, silly; we’re soulmates.”

You shivered, gut sinking as you closed your eyes and thought there might still be a chance it was all a horrible dream.  This isn’t happening to me, this isn’t happening to me, this can’t be happening to me—

“Hey!” he yelled, slapping you on the face suddenly.  “Keep your eyes open!”

You cried but tried to do as he asked, knowing it would only be so much worse if you didn’t do whatever he wanted.

“The point is, even if you didn’t tell, letting you go just isn’t… economical for me,” he explained.  “‘Cause the truth is, even though I didn’t want to kidnap you, right now I wanna… I wanna keep you.”

He didn’t even let you start crying hard again before he cradled your face in his hands, refusing to let you turn away.

“No, baby, it’s okay— it’s gonna be good!” he promised.  “I would never do anything to hurt you.”

“Please, Bucky, don’t do this,” you sobbed.

“Shh, shh, don’t you get it?  He did this to help me— he knew I couldn’t do it alone, ‘cause I was too afraid to talk to you, but he brought you to me, and now I’m gonna make you understand how good we are for each other.”

He scooted closer, his hands rubbing your legs through your jeans as you cried silently.

“And that’s why he didn’t touch you,” he continued.  “He just left you for me, cause he knows you’re— you’re mine.”

He kissed you suddenly, and it was awkward and sloppy against your unwilling lips.  His tongue eventually managed to force your mouth open, exploring and filling it as you struggled and failed to turn away.  His hand on your jaw was almost tight enough to choke you, a looming threat of what awaited if you didn’t kiss him back.  You couldn’t exactly put much passion into it but you tried your best.

He was smiling when he leaned back and broke away from you, still holding your face and seeming almost proud— of you or himself, you weren’t sure.

“You are so perfect,” he praised quietly.  “I can’t believe I finally have you… god, it’s like a dream come true.”

Or a nightmare, you responded internally.

You jumped when he pulled the knife out from a holster on his belt.

“Oh, this?  I won’t hurt you with it— so long as you stay still,” he explained gently as he leaned forward and started to cut off your shirt while you tried desperately not to shake.  

He looked at you with the reverence of a man at the altar as he tore the shreds of your clothes away, cutting slowly until you were just in your bra and panties.

"Stop," you whispered, but it was so quiet he must not have heard you— or he just didn't care.  He gingerly slipped the knife between your bra and your chest, tugging out to snap it off.  

He took a breath to steady himself; he seemed nearly as nervous as you, just in an entirely different way.

"Baby," he mumbled under his breath, "god, I just wanna do everything to you."

It was hard not to tense up when he said that, or when he brought the knife between your legs to cut off your underwear, but you willed yourself not to shiver because you really weren't ready to lose anything important if his hand slipped.

With them cut and tossed aside, you forced your eyes shut— because you couldn't stop him from seeing you, but at least you didn't have to watch.  As your legs instinctively closed, he gently guided them back open, metal fingers cold on your skin but flesh ones unbearably warm.

“You have such a nice body, I don’t know why you hide it in those baggy clothes,” he chuckled as he ran his hands over your skin.  “I watched you shower a few times, you know, and I saw you look at yourself in the mirror before you got in…"

You opened your eyes, but he wasn't looking at your face, instead taking a long moment to take in everything else.

"You looked like you were disappointed," he continued, "but— but you’re beautiful, and you should know that.  You need somebody to tell you that.”

You felt your face heating up even though you should be horrified, not flattered.  To be fair, it was a bit of both.

“Do you think I’m, you know, handsome?” he asked awkwardly, glancing up to your face again.  “People used to say that about me, a long time ago.  Are you… attracted to me?”

You shook your head, lying.

“Then why are you so wet?” he sing-songed with a mocking grin, thick fingers spreading your lower lips and gathering the arousal they found there.  You whimpered when he brought those fingers to his lips and sucked them hungrily.  “Fuck, you taste incredible— I mean, I knew you would, but wow, this is so much better than just smelling those panties he stole.”

You shivered with disgust, realizing that he was responsible for the pair you thought were lost in the laundry.  

“Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that,” he laughed.  “Yeah, it was his idea and all, I didn’t do anything but… I’ll tell you a little secret,” he smirked as he leaned in, right against your ear, whispering: “I got off with them, and on them, and it felt soooo good…”

He quickly pulled his cock out of his trousers as you started to struggle against the chains again, getting a quick glimpse before looking away as you wondered how he could possibly fit that in you.

“Do you like knowing that?  Do you like knowing I stroked my cock and thought about you?  I imagined you were laying under me, begging me to fuck you… and now you’re here, and it’s real, and it’s gonna be wonderful.”

You gasped as he suddenly pushed in, trying not to react but knowing he was watching your face intently and saw it all.  “Fuck, baby,” he breathed, “you’re so tight, god, I knew you’d be perfect…”

You cried as he started moving inside you, holding your hips steady and filling you completely until it actually hurt to be stretched so wide.  You were sure nothing had ever been so deep inside you, and it was making your whole body jolt with each thrust.

“Does it feel good?  Do you like my cock in you?” he asked— but it didn’t sound like dirty talk, it sounded like he was genuinely asking.

You shook your head, lying again.

“What if I do this?” he offered, reaching down and circling a calloused thumb over your clit.  Your back arched into his touch, and he grinned proudly.  “See, doesn’t that make it better?  I bet I can make you come.”

One final lie for the night, you shook your head.

"Oh, doll," he soothed, kissing away a tear that had trailed down your cheek, "it's okay… it's okay to like it.  You don't need to pretend."

He reached down and pressed his hand into your lower belly, making you winced as he applied pressure until it took everything you had not to scream.

"Feel that?" he cooed.  "I can feel it.  We're finally together, baby, you never have to be alone again… isn't it incredible?"

Sobbing, your back began to arch up against the wall you were chained to.  With his hand pushing on you, it was impossible to ignore the head of his cock slamming into your g-spot— hard enough that your entire body shook with each thrust.  It was unlike anything you’d ever experienced before, and not just because you’d never been kidnapped before.  As he leaned down to suck on your neck hard enough to leave a mark, it was hard not to feel like he was claiming every part of your body all at once.  You bit down on your lip, afraid to moan too loud, but he heard the muffled noises and pulled up to tut at you disapprovingly.

“Don’t do that,” he frowned, “I wanna hear everything, pretty girl.  I wanna hear you beg for me.”

You whined as you tried to resist it, but getting railed like this made you want to do whatever he told you to.

“Come on, baby,” he encouraged sweetly, “just let go, I know you want to…”

It was bubbling up in your chest faster than you could stop it, each cry louder than the last until you couldn’t hold back anymore.  “Bucky!” you shrieked, hating yourself as you heard him laugh happily right by your ear.

“Oh I know, I’m right here, doll,” he soothed gently, holding you tightly; your hands wiggled inside their shackles, and you shamefully realized that you were craving to wrap your arms around him, run your fingers through his hair.  The desire to push him away was lost to the need to reach your peak.  “Say my name just like that when you come on my cock, sweetheart.”

Your walls were already convulsing and you were moaning so loud you thought you might lose your voice.  Pleasure built up faster than you could comprehend, and so intensely that little black dots were dancing on your vision.  

Oh god yes, right there, don’t stop, yes, you would’ve cried out were it anyone else doing this to you.  Instead all you could do was whimper his name, somewhere between begging for more and begging for mercy.

“Fuck, fuckfuckfuck, I can feel you coming for me— you’re so good, so fucking good,” he groaned, “I’m close already, can you believe it?  I should slow down, so I can make you come again, but you feel too good, I can’t stop.”

Most of that was lost to you, though, because everything had gone numb and fuzzy in the wake of your orgasm, your body limp in his grasp.  The way he pulled your hips into his made you feel used, like a— well, like a doll, fittingly.

“Oh god, babygirl— can I come inside?” he asked gently, but when you weakly shook your head, he just smiled.  “It’s gonna feel so good to fill you up.”

Before you could make it clear that you were saying no, he leaned forward and kissed you— aggressive and rough as he started to breathe deeply and moan against you.  You kicked your legs to try to get him away but all you could do was uselessly scrape your feet against the floor.  You could feel him pulsing inside you, growling against your lips until suddenly warmth began to paint your walls.  Whimpering, you slouched limply as the fight left you.  

“Oh my god, angel,” he sighed, pulling back and smiling as he traced his thumb over your face, following the path of a fresh tear, “that was… you’re incredible.  I’ve never come like that, you feel so fucking amazing.”

He kissed you again, gentler and slower than before.  

“Is it weird that I don’t wanna pull out?” he asked just louder than a whisper, chuckling as his nose brushed against yours.  It was like this guy thought he was in a Hallmark Christmas movie while you were in a Lifetime thriller.  “I could just stay inside you forever… but I won’t.”

He watched in awe as his hips pulled back and his softening cock slipped out of you.  Your face burned with shame as you felt a gush of his come (and yours) leak from you.  

“Wow, look at that,” he mumbled weakly.  “Can you push it out, baby?  I wanna see how good I filled this pretty pussy.”

It made you feel disgusting, but you summoned the last of your strength to do as he asked, unable to see the results but watching him stare between your legs and bite his lip.  

“Fuck, babygirl, that’s… that’s fucking gorgeous.  I stretched you out pretty good, and you’re all swollen…”

Strange enough, he pulled you into a hug, burying his face in the crook of your neck.

“You’re so perfect, sweetheart… my pretty little doll.”  When he pulled back a bit, he moved a stray hair that had stuck to the sheen of sweat on your face, admiring you with a small smile.  “God, I can’t believe you’re finally all mine.  Guess he was lookin’ out for me, bringing you here.  I oughta thank him, somehow.”

He must have known what you were imagining by the way you tensed up, and he laughed softly.

“Don’t worry, baby, I won’t let him touch you.  I won’t let anyone touch you but me.  Now let’s get you out of these chains and into a hot bath, how’s that sound?”

Weakly nodding, you let your eyes fall shut as he reached up to unlock the metal cuffs around your wrists.  Holding your hands in his, he softly kissed the marks left there from when you’d still been fighting, before finally scooping you up into his arms.  He didn’t struggle at all to lift you, and you were too exhausted to notice the way you were leaning into his chest as you dozed off.

You dreamt that you were looking out over still water, contemplative but determined, before falling right in.