#and i have to be anxious about not being able to afford either new or old med

[sparkleyiff]

Not sure if I'll be doing anything more for artfight this year I am. suffering. sorry :(

[mister-tom-a-dildo-lover]

Just a random thought I had.

I've been spending a lot of time recently going over what I know about myself and my behaviors and the way I have existed my entire life, and have been slowly coming to terms with the fact that I probably have undiagnosed Autism(and ADHD) and I will never have the money to get a proper diagnosis for this because being able to get to just a regular doctor is a luxury that I do not have.

As such, I have been putting all of my interests into perspective and thinking more clearly about the characters I like in the pieces of fiction I like and trying to draw similarities between them and how they behave, compared to me and how I behave.

This brought me to Tom Riddle, clearly. I've always been big into HP and it's influenced my fandom journey heavily. I've gotten into fandoms just because someone wrote a crossover with Harry Potter in their ship.

So, with that in mind, what is similar between me and Tom Riddle?

The special interests.

The obsession with collecting unique items.

The intense hyperfixation on his interests that causes him to monologue for ages about them in relation to himself.

Being exceptional at hiding how he really feels behind a mask to trick people into thinking he's normal like them.

Learning the right words to say to get by even if he thinks they're foolish or nonsensical.

Struggling with understanding emotions either from himself or others, and misconstruing what others are feeling based on his limited understanding.

Making his whole personality revolve around the Thing he's good at(Dark Magic).

Having no tolerance for other people because they cannot keep up with him.

Now that I am forced to come to terms with these things about myself, and even more things, thanks to a lot of help from others, I can't not review everything I'd ever shown interest in. Like, all of my favorite characters end up falling along the lines of depressed character, anxious character, or Autism-coded character. Or all 3 in a character. And I have all these issues and technically should be medicated for some but can't afford it.

And the thing is, I have considered similar characters to Tom, wondering if I'm projecting onto his type of character.

I like Hannibal, the TV show. My favorite character is Will Graham. And would you happen to know that he is depressed, anxious, and very Autism-coded? But the character in Hannibal, that Tom is most like, is actually Hannibal himself. And the ship for Hannigram feels very similar at times to the Harrymort ship, which is why a lot of people ship both.

But if I was to line Tom up beside Hannibal and consider what I know about both of them in relation to my undiagnosed Autism, Tom is the one who feels like he could be Autistic. Hannibal does not. Even with his special interests and masking and monologuing, and all their similarities on the Potentially Autistic List, Hannibal doesn't give me the same vibe. Will does, but not Hannibal.

So, I don't think this is me forcing the 'misunderstood Autistic villain trope' onto Tom. I think it's just that I've gained a new perspective on myself, and it has forced me to reevaluate everything I know about who I am and what I like and what draws me to those things in the first place.

It's kind of like how I liked Severus Snape as a character, long before I realized that I was depressed and that he was also depressed(I was 10 when I started the HP books). Like, the day I finally realized that I had depression(I was 17) and that wanting to kill myself and trying to are actually suicidal issues that I need help for, I thought of Snape. And a lot of things clicked.

Gaining a new perspective on yourself gives you new perspectives on everything else.

I am interested in pursuing these new thoughts in fanfic form in the future, ngl. And my reads of Tom going forward are going to be a lot more nuanced.

[storiesbyjes2g]

3.191 So long

I tossed and turned last night, and I don't think Sophia got much sleep either. We were so anxious and eager to move into our new home; it's all we could talk about for the rest of the night. Even Desiree had trouble falling asleep. At an appropriate hour, we hopped out of bed, got ready, and had breakfast. Just as we prepared to head out, I received a frantic call from our tenants. They said a toilet was spewing out sewage! I had to get over there right away, but I was very skeptical. Dad and I had no maintenance problems when we lived there, but now they're saying there's some kind of leak? The house was old when he bought it, so it could just be something that would have happened anyway, but I don't think that's the case. I bet they clogged the toilet and now it won't stop running. They better not be flushing diapers.

Jilliana met me at the door and told me where to find the problem as if I didn't know. Owen was in the bathroom trying and failing at cleaning up the mess, and I appreciated the effort.

"How did this happen?" I ask.

"I don't know! One minute I'm sitting here reading the paper and the next it's all coming back at me!"

So, what he's really saying is he uses too much toilet paper. Got it.

"Alright. I'll get it sorted," I said.

That was his cue to leave, but he stands over me as I attempt to decide where to begin. I'm no stranger to the wrench anymore, but I've never fixed a toilet before. And let's not forget how disgusting this entire situation is on top of being watched. I feel ill-equipped to handle this on my own, but I owe it to myself to try, however, so I give it a whirl before calling in a professional.

Without knowing how to start, I treat it just like every other sink I've unclogged. Toilets have plumbing just like sinks do, so surely the mechanics are the same. I get going, all the while trying to avoid getting drenched by the literal shit storm. I can't tell what's worse: a deluge of adult sewage or the smelliest poopy diaper. At some point, Owen sees how useless he is and leaves me alone. I felt much better without eyes on me and keep at it until I eventually stop the leak.

I'm so proud, not just because I avoided getting showered, but because I figured it out. I crushed it! Dad would be so proud of me right now. With the flood stopped, all that's left to do is clean up and leave. I thought about leaving the mess for them to clean up, but I could already see the ratings drop and the negative review. Besides, this is still my house, and the only one who's going to care for it properly is me.

Before leaving, I told the Sages I'm going to do a walk-through and make sure everything else is in order. They were having a nice family moment with their twins and kind of ignored me, so I did what I needed to do. Besides, it was kinda nice to see them in better spirits because first impressions last a long time.

The other bathroom and kitchen sink appeared to be in working order, which made my theory about the toilet paper and/or diaper flushing even stronger. If they call me again soon with the same problem, I know something.

I left them and returned home to gather my family and bid farewell to the house of my dreams. For so long, this house consumed my thoughts. I'd never been so focused or devoted to achieving something before. In the beginning, I had no idea how I'd ever be able to afford such a home, but I manifested it and made it happen. Now, I must close this chapter and move onto the next. We're leaving behind so many memories here, some good, and some bad ones too, but they all make up our story. We wouldn't be the sims we are today without the good, bad, and ugly, so it is with great gratitude that I leave this place. So long, Parkside Place in Hopewell Hills. You've been very good to us.

[helly-watermelonsmellinfellon]

Just a random thought I had.

I've been spending a lot of time recently going over what I know about myself and my behaviors and the way I have existed my entire life, and have been slowly coming to terms with the fact that I probably have undiagnosed Autism(and ADHD) and I will never have the money to get a proper diagnosis for this because being able to get to just a regular doctor is a luxury that I do not have.

As such, I have been putting all of my interests into perspective and thinking more clearly about the characters I like in the pieces of fiction I like, and trying to draw similarities between them and how they behave, compared to me and how I behave.

This brought me to Tom Riddle, clearly.

The special interests(Dark Magic).

The obsession with collecting unique items.

The intense hyperfixation on his interests that causes him to monologue for ages about them in relation to himself.

Being exceptional at hiding how he really feels behind a mask to trick people into thinking he's 'normal' like them.

Learning the right words to say to get by even if he thinks they're foolish or nonsensical.

Struggling with understanding emotions either from himself or others, and misconstruing what others are feeling based on his limited understanding.

Making his whole personality revolve around the Thing he's good at(Dark Magic).

Having no tolerance for other people because they cannot keep up with him.

Now that I am forced to come to terms with these things about myself, and even more things, I can't not review everything I'd ever shown interest in. Like, all of my favorite characters end up falling along the lines of depressed character, anxious character, or Autism-coded character. Or all 3 in a character. And I have all these issues and technically should be medicated for some but can't afford it.

And the thing is, I have considered similar characters to Tom, wondering if I'm projecting onto his type of character.

I like Hannibal, the TV show. My favorite character is Will Graham. And would you happen to know that he is depressed, anxious, and very Autism-coded? But the character in Hannibal, that Tom is most like, is actually Hannibal himself. And the ship for Hannigram feels very similar at times to the Harrymort ship, which is why a lot of people ship both.

But if I was to line Tom up beside Hannibal and consider what I know about both of them in relation to my undiagnosed Autism, Tom is the one who feels like he could be Autistic. Hannibal does not. Even with his special interests and masking and monologuing, and all their similarities on the Potentially Autistic List, Hannibal doesn't give me the same vibe. Will does, but not Hannibal.

So, I don't think this is me forcing the 'misunderstood Autistic villain trope' onto Tom. I think it's just that I've gained a new perspective on myself, and it has forced me to reevaluate everything I know about who I am and what I like and what draws me to those things in the first place.

It's kind of like how I liked Severus Snape as a character, long before I realized that I was depressed and that he was also depressed(I was 9 when I started the HP books). Like, the day I finally realized that I had depression(I was 17) and that wanting to kill myself and trying to are actually suicidal issues that I need help for, I thought of Snape. And a lot of things clicked.

Gaining a new perspective on yourself gives you new perspectives on everything else.

[saiyanshewolf]

Moving somewhere husband and I have been wanting to live for ages, and yet I don’t feel ready to leave our current home in my hometown. We’ve been in this house for less than a year, and it’s so close to my dad.

I’m just really scared. Our ability to move and live in our new house depends entirely on my new job and I’m just. So terrified.

I didn’t sleep last night and I can’t sleep tonight either even though I’m tired from packing things and moving things, and I didn’t even do much of that — husband did most of it, bc they’re stronger than I am and have better focus than I do.

Normally I would go snuggle them for a while (we sleep separately bc I’m such a light sleeper) to help with the Anxieties, but I know they’re really tired and they need to rest more than I do.

I’m just so scared. I’m worried about my dad, even though my sister also lives less than a mile away from him. I’m scared to leave the employer I’ve been with for so long, because they re-hired me after my last disastrous foray into academic librarianship.

I’m just really sad and nervous and I wish I wasn’t. I wish I could be excited. But I feel like so much is riding on me being successful at this job and I’m so scared I won’t be. I applied for the hell of it, I didn’t think they’d hire me, and then they did and the salary is more than double my current salary…

I know it’s the impostor syndrome and various other traumas talking, but still. I just…keep waiting for the catch, you know? Because there has to be one.

I don’t get to have good things, because I’m me.

And every time I think that, I immediately become more anxious that I’m somehow…manifesting tragedy.

Sigh. Maybe I’ll be able to afford a therapist, at least.

[arwenkenobi48]

I really need to be honest about how I’m feeling. I’m feeling really alone. I feel like I’ll never have an irl relationship with anyone, aside from platonic or professional ones and the knowledge of that is weighing very heavily on me because I want that so bad.

I need that. I don’t have anyone to hold me, nobody I can watch my favourite movies with. I don’t have anyone who I can make meals for, who can help me feel better when I’m having a flashback. I’d do anything just to have someone physically there to say they love me.

I’m starting to feel like I won’t find anyone who can fill that role and that it was wrong of me to expect to be loved when it’s genuinely such a foreign concept to me. It’s especially lonely because I feel like all of my irl friends have someone they can rely on for a kind of physical and emotional connection and I don’t. It all just feels so incredibly lonely.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m more than willing to share as much love as I can with a potential partner, but I just feel like I shouldn’t expect anything in return. Like I can give all I want but I’m not supposed to receive anything. I can’t sleep because I’ve been feeling so heartbroken that all I can do is cry my eyes out.

I’ve been wondering if my trauma is the reason I haven’t been able to find anyone yet or if there’s something wrong with me as a person. I feel like I’ve passed all the milestones where I was supposed to form a strong enough connection to consider committed relationships and now it’s too late. I’ve been struggling with feeing like I’m unworthy of being loved, but I feel like I won’t be, even if I am worthy.

My chest hurts when I think about it, like I can feel my heart physically breaking. I’ve been afraid to reach out to anyone because I’m worried that I’ll just be making things difficult and the few people I did try to reach out to didn’t respond. The bridge of Vincent by Don McLean is hitting really close to home rn. I just wish I knew what being loved felt like.

I wish I could actually form a close, stable bond with someone who I can feel comfortable and safe around, someone who I don’t have to hide anything from and who won’t use me. I wish I could just know what being consensually intimate with someone feels like. I want that and the closeness that comes with it more than anything else. But that feels like the one thing that I can’t possibly have.

There’s so many things in my life that I don’t currently have, but realistically I can see those circumstances changing for the better, even if it might take a little while. I don’t see that happening in this case and it genuinely breaks my heart to think about what that means.

I don’t know. I just hate how this feels. And I wish someone was here to dry my tears and cuddle me to sleep. I wish my religion didn’t prevent me from hooking up with people. I wish I passed better so that I wouldn’t have to break the news that I’m trans to people who might get the wrong end of the stick. I wish I wasn’t so financially unstable so I could afford to do nice things for/with others.

There’s just so much I wish I could do to make things better but ultimately I just don’t feel like any of it matters because nobody else will do the same for me. And if they did, I’d be so anxious about it being a lovebombing/manipulation tactic that I probably wouldn’t realise it even if it was genuine. I’m so scared of being used again. I’m exhausted from everything I’ve been through.

I know I’m not a saint by any means and I know I suck at communicating effectively and that I come across as either dry and unemotional or the opposite extreme. I’m so sorry for that. I just can’t stand this feeling anymore.

[jodilin65]

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2023 Irma's leaving tomorrow as that's when the new guy moves in. Very nervous about what we're in for! Please God, Goddess, guardian angels, ancient ancestors - anyone - no barking, loud engines, or power tool obsessions!

She asked me to pray that she and Richard have a safe journey up to Canada and I said I would even though I'm still not sure I believe in that. I just didn’t tell her that part of it.

I asked for an update on the meeting she was supposed to have had with the new owner this morning, but I haven't gotten anything. If it wasn't for the fact that she doesn't appear to have been online, I would be worried that she learned something she hesitates to tell me because she knows I'm not going to like it. I reckon, however, that she's very busy this evening with her last-minute packing. I'm sure it's a pretty emotional time for them too. They sold the place because they're getting too old, not because they wanted to despite missing their grandkids.

Saw a tall skinny guy pull up in front of next door in a white convertible when they were out. He walked up their driveway (I couldn't see what he did) and then got back in the car. I'm guessing that might have been the realtor.

Anyway, I'm trying to remind myself that most people here don't have dogs, most don't have motorcycles, and most don't make a career out of playing with power tools either. Well, except for the house down the street. If they can afford to hire someone to do this much work for them why not just get a new place?

Again, I'm trying not to worry. I'm surprised by how fast the house sold. I really thought I would have a year or so before it did. Something wants me to hurry up and quit worrying because the new neighbor is quiet, or they're not and it's anxious to throw the bad neighbor curse back on me. A single male is the worst neighbor to get. At least if he was married or had a girlfriend they would be doing things together at times. But what does a single retired guy with all kinds of time on his hands have better to do than entertain himself with some very annoying toys? Then again, Steve has a GF and I know I would want to throttle him if he was next to us. He was blasting music and had his usual loud friends visiting. At this distance, I don't mind, though. Especially with things running. If the AC and fans were off along with air cleaners then I might hear something every now and then.

I just hope this guy isn't as sociable and doesn't bring the same shit in front of his place with these houses being so close! I don't want to have to worry about being woken up and I don't want to be driven crazy while I'm awake either.

I woke up kind of tired yesterday because I forgot to lower the temperature in here so I woke up warm a few times. I knew those few nights of good sleep and feeling more energetic were going to run out on me soon enough anyway. I wouldn't be surprised if it was a while before I slept well again. I don't tend to sleep as well on the schedule I'm on now. I'm tired today too, but not quite as much. I was able to scrub the bathroom down, even though it took the wind out of me.

I wonder why I haven't been hearing from Jessie as much lately. Anytime I ask how things are going she either ignores the question or just says they're okay. I wonder if she thinks I'm lying about communicating with her son. I can only tell her the facts, though, if that's what's going on. I think she either misunderstood or perhaps Wyatt has another friend with my name. If not, then her kid has a problem. Why else would he say we've been in touch if that's what he really said?

Not surprisingly, Jess said she hears things at her place too, but nothing too horrible.

When I used the ECG earlier, there was a double beep as if my heart beat twice in the space of time it usually beats in but it said no abnormalities were found.

It's been nice getting to know a little more about people who have been around a while but are quiet. Who knows, maybe she and I will even get to be damn good friends someday, even if I can't imagine that, lol. I don't have a problem with an age difference. I used to prefer people my own age but as long as they're over 18, honest, and not dumb and immature I'll be anyone's friend.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2023 It was a good day today, although there is some potentially bad news. First, I noticed someone was selling Color Street nail strips at the yard sale yesterday for nearly half of what they go for online. So after exchanging messages about it, Tom and I went over there at 5:00 this afternoon. There I met Arlene and her daughter, Linda, and their friend Joey (a woman, even though she has a man's name) who also lives in the park. Linda doesn't live here, though. We sat out in their lanai and chatted for about a half hour.

Linda had a whole box of Color Street nails. She probably had close to 100 packs. Many were duplicates, though. Although they usually sell for about $14 online, she was selling most of them for $6 and some for $9. I got two of the $6 sets and one $9 set. They are absolutely stunning! They're easier to apply than regular strips, they last longer than regular strips, and also unlike regular strips, you can't just peel them off. It's like having an instant gel manicure. I learned that from the free set I once got for signing up for something.

I have Hiss and Make Up on now. It's a snake design with wavy multi-colored glittery stripes with a black background. The other two sets are silver glitter and purple glitter. The purple one has larger specs of glitter.

I shared a picture of my beautiful nails with the group and Linda told me to let her know if I ever want anymore. It doesn’t bother me, but it's kind of funny how many people misspell my name on Facebook, even though it's right there in front of them.

I guess Toni got one of the sets I got or something similar. These are so gorgeous that I put them on my big toes as well and then polished the rest with a color that matched. I'm going to have major nail damage, but it's worth it! I can't seem to polish or sticker up my nails for long before I get fungus. I still have the lacquer to fight it if need be. A little fungus won't kill me, but if it gets to the point where my nails are lifting and are sensitive, then I'll have to use the lacquer. I can always get more from my doctors if I need it.

So we chatted about this and that for a while. They want us to come to play bicycle bingo this Tuesday at the clubhouse. But as usual, that won't be a convenient time for me.

Now, for the potentially bad news. So much for thinking it would be a year or so before next door's house sold. It's gone to a divorced retired veteran. Irma says they're meeting with him on Tuesday and will find out if he has a motorcycle or a dog then. All she could tell me was that he seemed nice and drove an SUV. He's renting somewhere half an hour away and has a friend in the south section.

Also, so much for hoping for a single woman over there since they don't tend to be as noisy as the guys. Guys aren't usually as obsessed with appearance, though, so there may not be as many outdoor projects. At least I hope that's the case. The honker and the redneck are pretty obsessed with appearance after all. Motorcycles and dogs are my biggest concern right now. Two different houses had dogs barking out of their lanais when we passed them. The one that's four or five houses down, and then one a couple of houses from Arlene. If the guy has a dog, I swear I'm not gonna listen to that shit every time someone walks by!

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2023 Fucking Facebook. I still can’t share posts with select people without them being notified. If I chose Specific Friends in the past, those friends were notified. But I was at least able to choose Friends Except… Now I can’t even do that or else they get notified too. What is it with Facebook’s obsession with not letting its users have any privacy? From now on I have to be all or nothing. It’s gotta be either private or for everyone. Maybe I’ll even go public someday. I might as well, right?

So I'm now 265 miles into my trip. I should be approximately 100 miles away from the Namibia border.

Did another painting, but I need to make improvements to it. It's a large neon pink flower with some white in it on a round canvas. What's cool is that the royal blue background bleeds through and makes it look like a multi-colored flower.

During my 7th session with Helen, I was glad her dogs weren’t barking in the background as they have a couple of times. I found it rather annoying when I was in the middle of saying something to her or trying to hear what she was saying to me.

We mostly discussed how my mother left me to fend for myself when I didn't eat or drink for a few days and awoke with serious dehydration on the third day. I seriously wonder to this day if I would have made it if the kitchen cabinet wasn't just outside the little bedroom I was in. It took me all day to muster up the strength to jump up, open the cabinet, and grab the first thing I could which was a Devil Dog. After I laid back down on the bed, it took me forever just to get the strength to open the damn wrapper let alone eat it.

“You got yourself into this mess, you get yourself out of it," the bitch said, and then went back to her backgammon game with her bestie. This was at our summer cottage in Connecticut in the 70s. I was around 10 years old, give or take a year or two.

I felt helpless at the time, but like most kids, I didn't question the adults. I assumed they knew it all. Eventually, I got the strength to shower and I fully recovered a few days later. Then I got on with my life. As they say, kids are pretty resilient. It's when you get to be an adult that you look back and realize just how messed up some of the adults who were supposed to protect you truly were. She really took a gamble with my life, thanks to her selfishness, lack of empathy and compassion. If she hadn't constantly picked on my appearance and my weight, maybe I wouldn't have been dumb enough to not eat or drink in the first place. As a kid, I didn't understand that humans can go a lot longer without food as opposed to liquids.

Helen asked me what I would tell that little girl if I could. I opened my mouth to answer but then realized my mind was blank. Having no experience with kids, I was at a loss as to what would be best to say.

But then Helen had the perfect answer. “Let's get you something to eat and drink, sweetie, and then let's talk about why you're not eating or drinking."

That's what Dureen O should have told her daughter.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2023 It seems the wheels of medicine turn just as slow as the wheels of justice. So fucking frustrating!

I have a little more energy today (yay!), so I’m hoping to get caught up here. Finishing up with yesterday…I came to and was now in another room. It was a small room like the changing area. They had removed the IV but not the IV port or the disposable blood pressure cuff that automatically took my blood pressure every few minutes. A nurse, or whatever her official title was, helped me get dressed and guided me to the bathroom. She then wheeled me down to the lobby, and thanks to her fucking accent, I couldn’t understand her at first. I thought Tom was still in the waiting room, but he was actually fetching the car and pulling it up to the entrance. So someone told him when I was out of recovery and ready to go. The few minutes I was in recovery was really a half hour or so. You don’t just wake up as soon as they wheel you out of the OR and into recovery. As I said before, though, it seemed like only a second between lights out and lights back on. I didn’t have the sore throat Jessie warned me I may have. Just a slight scratchiness. It was hard to believe a camera was shoved down my throat.

So off we go and then begins the long journey home. This old electric car can only go about 40 miles. Newer batteries can go 250 miles, but there’s no way we can afford to get one. If we absolutely have to go to Tampa, we’re going to rent a car or make other arrangements. Electric cars are still the way to go because they cost a fraction of what gas cars cost and require virtually no maintenance. But this is one of the very first ones they made, and it just can’t do long trips. If there was an abundance of fast chargers, it wouldn’t be an issue. Now, most chargers are slow chargers, and it didn’t help that half of them were broken or in use.

I was finally able to drink some water once I got in the car. However, we were both starving. He had eaten that morning, but I hadn’t. It was nearly 90 degrees and we couldn’t use the AC so we wouldn’t drain the battery so fast. As long as I wasn’t in indirect sunlight with no breeze, it wasn’t that bad. I’m a warm-weather person. I even got a little color with all the walking we did.

One of the places we charged at was a library so we were able to go in there and not only cool off but get some snacks and soda from their vending machines. We tried to charge at Publix and Whole Foods, but those chargers were taken. Then we charged a little at an electric company and then at another place with each stop being closer to home. By the time we were at the last place, the sun was setting and the temperature dropped from 87 to 84 degrees.

My heart was racing and even his was as well. On our ECG tester later on at home and after he got a chance to relax, he got a “possible bradycardia” reading just like I sometimes get a “possible tachycardia” reading. This is no surprise, though.

I had palpitations like crazy all day and instead of a few times a day, they were literally a few times an hour due to the stress. They even woke me up once. At least Tom didn’t have that part of it. I was so tired that I slept on and off for 10.5 hours. I stupidly turned off the sound machine early in the morning, thinking I was going to get up then, but I didn’t. Instead, I dozed back off just to get woken up by the garbage truck. So I turned the sound machine back on and slept a little longer.

I wasn’t totally exhausted yesterday, but I was still tired. Today I’m better. I slept better too, and got a higher sleep score. I slept 7.5 hours.

The biopsy results are negative, thankfully, but I do have gastritis and a hiatal hernia, as I said earlier. The hernia could be because I’m fat or it could be age. I’m not grossly obese, but I guess you don’t need to be that heavy to get it. As for why I have gastritis, I haven’t a clue. I’ll find out more on the 16th when we return to Lutz which is closer and without the crazy traffic of Tampa. It could be the years of taking ibuprofen but I’m not sure. I didn’t think I took that many over the years, and I certainly wasn’t a heavy drinker. Plus, I hate spicy foods. The only reason I would always reach for ibuprofen whenever I had pain is that that’s what my mother gave me when I had cramps in my early days of cycles. Tylenol seems to make me drowsy, and that stuff can be rough on the liver too. So I guess my only options are to beat up on my stomach lining, beat up on my liver, or just tough out the pain.

Okay, we just got a different surgeon scheduled for the 27th in Brooksville. It’s another Indian. What is it with all these surgeons being from India? Nothing against them but their accent isn’t easy to understand at times.

I updated Galileo and requested a referral for the guy after confirming he’s in-network.

During tomorrow’s yard sale, and just like every other event I want to attend around here, I’ll have to sleep instead. Not so sure that’s a bad thing, though, when I see all the bickering going on in the park group. I have no idea what’s going on and I don’t care but there definitely isn’t much love in the neighborhood. Jim posted something about not posting anymore or attending any events because of the community being despicable and people going door to door, etc. Others said that sometimes it feels like this place is like a high school with all the immaturity and bickering. Another says they never bother to attend anything because they know the drama they’ll be in for if they do. That’s exactly why Becky didn’t want to live in a community like this. That and the fact that she likes to have breathing room around her.

I have noticed that the people here don’t seem as friendly in general as at the old place. Even Dixie was friendlier albeit crazy.

I wonder what Jim means by “going door to door.” To tell whoever answers to hate him or something?

It’s sad, but true that people are people no matter what their age. You would think they’d gain wisdom and maturity with age but whether they’re in their 60s or their 20s, there’s little to no difference. The older people may know more and have more experience under their belt, but their behavior isn’t much different. They lie, gossip, contradict, fail to keep their word, and backstab people just as much as younger people do. This is part of why I’ve never been all that sociable other than online. I just don’t need the toxicity.

Not much else to report going on in the neighborhood, except for the usual. They’re still working on the house next to Sue, and I’m guessing that’s going to be a regular thing indefinitely.

Added some RAM to our laptops to speed them up.

Waiting on the coffin burner I ordered for my incense.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2023 Yesterday’s 12-minute procedure turned out to be a 12-hour day. It was a nightmare! Everything that could work against us did. The biggest thing we learned is that we can’t take this old electric car down to Tampa anymore. It’s just too damn far. And thanks to Biden, they’re doing away with the fast chargers. They’re making a different kind of fast charger that we can’t use. Our first alternative is to carry on with doctors closer to us. Our next would be a rental car.

Sometimes I wish we had just gone to a bigger city. Even though this is considered a rural area, it doesn’t feel very rural when your neighbors are just a few feet away.

Okay, so on with yesterday. We left the house at 7:00 and stopped at the first charger as planned. We were supposed to drive some more and stop at a second charger, but there was an accident, as usual, so we had to head straight to the medical building.

So we get there, check in, breathe a sigh of relief since it’s right before 9:30 when the appointment was supposed to be, and take a seat only to be informed that we were in the wrong location. So with just 6 miles of charge to spare, we had a hustle over to the proper location and then building. This took quite a bit of walking, as if I wasn’t already tired enough, because it was a complex with many buildings and we didn’t know which one to go to. Of course, it had to be the one furthest from our car. It was actually in a regular hospital. You check in down in the lobby, and they put a hospital band on your wrist. They’ve changed a lot since I was last in the hospital. They’re very thin now and they don’t have that round snap thing on them.

They said the whole thing wouldn’t take more than a half hour but we were there for 3 hours. First, I had to wait in the waiting room. Then I was brought into a changing area where I changed into a gown and got into bed. The mattress was soft and comfortable and they gave me a warm blanket which was nice since this area was as chilly as the waiting room had been warm and stifling.

Several people came to talk to me while I waited for what seemed like forever in this room. Every other one had a foreign accent. The anesthesiologist placed the IV portal in my arm. Then others came to make sure they had the right information. A male nurse verified that Tom was my designated driver. I didn’t know the GI doc himself would be there, but he was. He wasn’t just hanging around the place but he did the scope as well.

After what seemed like an eternity, a large jovial nurse came to fetch me. I was wheeled into what looked like a typical OR. She, the doctor, and the guy who said he would be my “bartender” handling the anesthesia and breathing were very friendly and reassuring. Mr. Bartender put a mask over my face. This was just oxygen. Then Ms. Jovial had me turn on my side. I don’t know why, but they usually do the scope with you on your left side. She put a wedge behind my back to keep me from rolling onto my back. Then the party began and I was gone in seconds. I remember saying, “Wow,” as I suddenly felt super woozy, and then it was lights out completely.

What literally felt like one second later I was coming around. When we get up in the morning, or whenever we happen to get up, we have the sense that time has passed. Not in this case literally. It literally felt like I was put out just a second ago. But nope, I was out for 12 minutes. They gave me propofol, the same stuff that killed Michael Jackson. They also gave me sodium chloride. This was mild sedation, though, and I’ll probably get something a lot different when it comes time to remove the gallbladder if that ever happens at this point. I’ll get to that in a little bit. They also took a sample for a biopsy of my stomach.

I was surprised by how fast I came to. With heavy sedation, you’re very groggy. In this case, if I was a driver and didn’t have far to go, I could probably make it. It’s a damn good thing too, with the 7 ridiculous hours it would take just to get home. I can’t say I got a lack of vitamin D yesterday! I even got a little color with all the walking we did.

I didn’t think I would be told of any results yesterday. But sure enough, the endoscopy turned up two problems. I miss the days when all my tests were negative and when I would hear, “Everything’s okay” or “You’re fine.”

Instead, I’m told I have a hiatal hernia and gastritis.

The rest of the update is coming soon.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2023 We got the ECG testing device, and it’s simple to use. You just hold it with the palms of your hands touching the sides for 30 seconds. No abnormalities yet except for Tachycardia, as expected.

We also have an air fryer on the way, which I’m excited about. I miss having one of those but because we have such a small kitchen, it’s a tiny one. That may be a good thing, though. It would not only make it easier to clean but keep us from getting too carried away with our portions.

I’ve been totally exhausted, for the most part, trying to work my schedule around the upcoming scope. Yesterday when the fatigue hit I ended up taking a 45-minute nap and that gave me fuel to function for the rest of the day. I tried to get up at 3 this morning, but I just couldn’t do it. So I dozed on and off until 4:30. I was tired for the first four or five hours of my day, but I wouldn’t let myself get back into bed. I perked up a little eventually, but whether I’m tired or not, I’m sure I’ll still battle insomnia later on like I always do. Last night I took a whole hydroxyzine pill, and that alone didn’t do much. Melatonin alone doesn’t always do much either. But if I take that in conjunction with hydroxyzine, it seems to help. Three more days of this shit!

Haven’t been on the road as much as I’d like, but I finally hit 1%. It took getting 164 miles into the trip to do it. The trip is 16,236 miles long so it’s going to take years. My rank is now 318.

They sprayed the front of their place next door for bugs and they’re going to be seeding in a few weeks. This shouldn’t require any loud equipment that could wake me up if I’m sleeping at the time. Today they washed their car.

Been making a point to go out back and hang out there for a few minutes a day when we’re not going anywhere and when the sun is out so I get my natural source of vitamin D. We’ve got a few palm trees coming up in back there. Just beyond the fence, I also saw a cactus which was a surprise. I didn’t think that was native to Florida of all places!

The bitch with a motorcycle is annoying at times, coming and going. She did this three or four times yesterday and I heard her today as well. She definitely doesn’t just get on the thing and go like the honker does. Some people truly don’t give a shit about those around them.

Why is Kim always home? I get that she has the mentality of a 5-year-old as Carol said, but aren’t there some kind of work or activity programs for people like her? Is being home all the time really good for her, especially since she’s at least able-bodied and able to keep a schedule? I wish she was a little more active because sometimes doing email with her is more like a chore than fun. I’m going to space them out more because I know that in less than two hours of sending an email to her, I’ll get hit with a long, rambling repetitive reply.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2023 Looking forward to being able to take the weekend off from all the health work. I had to return a call yesterday that I missed for billing. The out-of-pocket part of it is now paid for.

There was yet another voice message I missed from the same woman who called before, saying she got a referral from the same nurse about my gallbastard. Why would she be calling when I already made the appointment for both the scope and the surgeon? I’ll find out on Monday. For the next couple of days, I’m going to enjoy a break from the health work.

Lastly, I dealt with Galileo’s automated refill message and let them know I have plenty of pills for the next few weeks due to the dose change. They said that was fine, and to just let them know when I get low. I also have to get a new inhaler soon, even though I only need it a few times a year.

When I first woke up, I thought OMG, I feel worse than yesterday and I’m never gonna be able to stay awake all day! Now, I think I might be a little better. Doesn’t mean I’m bursting with energy, but I have enough for now.

One melatonin wasn’t enough to knock me out, so I took Benadryl. Instead of getting barely an hour of deep sleep, I got nearly two hours, and it started measuring my HRV again. It was 20. I slept for 7 hours. I crashed at 5:30 and woke up for a second at 8:40. At 9:20, I got up to pee and couldn’t fall back to sleep so I took another Benadryl. I remember waking up two or three more times before I woke up 5 minutes before the alarm. One of the times I was definitely making these weird sounds as I was breathing. I heard myself do it twice. I think it was coming from my nose, though, and not my throat.

Really hope we don’t have a lot of walking to do through parking lots and buildings to get to the appointment! I also hope they wheel me out of there. Jessie said that you’re really out of it when you first come to, then wide awake an hour later. She said I might feel loopy for the day.

Anyway, if I can’t fall asleep after the standard 16 hours - and I have a feeling I won’t be able to - I’m going to take a whole Hydroxyzine pill and see how hungover I end up feeling when I get up tomorrow.

Later…

Not even 4 hours into my day, and I can feel the fatigue picking up. ☹ But why? I told myself not to worry about my damn schedule like Tom always suggests. It definitely does seem to have become more noticeable around the time the gallbladder started getting me in 2017. But I still don’t think it’s going to be that simple for me. If it isn’t me worrying too much, then it’s probably chronic fatigue. It could be connected to menopause or my thyroid. But why this late in the game if it’s menopause? And why wasn’t I practically comatose when I was first diagnosed with a 32 TSH? So I’m thinking it’s either the effects of trauma/worrying as he thinks or chronic fatigue. The latter would be the worst-case scenario because that’s a life sentence. I may not have 50 or more years left to live, but I still have enough.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 2023 Tom just went to take a nap. Good. I love the guy, but too much together time gets to me after a while just like too much alone time. I need a good mix. The only time I don’t want to be alone is when I’m really anxious or really depressed.

I can’t figure out my sleep anymore. Yesterday I only slept for 5 hours and 35 minutes yet I had more energy than I do today after sleeping 7 hours and 44 minutes. I did get a higher sleep score yesterday, though, of 89. Today it was 83. I’m just tired of being tired! I slept with the breathing strip for the last two nights but last night I kept waking up, as usual. I’m not surprised. I didn’t really think that would make much of a difference in the end. I’m none the wiser as to whether or not it could be chronic fatigue or some type of sleep apnea but will hopefully find out after my gallbladder is taken care of. I can only handle so many things at once. As it is, my health has become more like a job than anything else because it seems there’s always someone I’ve got to call or forms I have to fill out. It’s literally become like a part-time job only no one pays me for it. It’s frustrating as fuck.

For now, we ordered an ECG tester for $80 from Amazon. If it doesn’t give me any bad readings, I’ll start with tackling the sleep issues next. If it does indicate anything shady going on with my heart, I’ll start with a cardiologist. Sooner or later I have to see one anyway because of my family history.

Yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day in the end. After a few hours, I perked up enough for golfing and working out. Then we even went to Denny’s. The food was great. They had a special deal on steak dinners. I had steak, eggs, and fries.

I have a little more energy now than I did during the first 5 hours of my day, but I don’t know if it’ll be enough to really hit the road like I’d like to. I’m not gonna hit my 20-mile goal. I don’t even know if I can get in 10 miles today, but we’ll see. So I’m writing instead. I have to respond to Kim and Margaret’s emails.

Helen and I mostly talked about my anger issues in our last session. I told her about what happened in Arizona. I get that forgiveness is supposed to help a person and that being angry only hurts us, but it’s just not that easy. I can’t reach into my brain and flick a switch. I know there are a lot of people who, if they tell themselves something often enough, they believe it. I wish I had this capability but I can’t fool myself. No matter how many times I try to tell myself my favorite color isn’t pink and I work toward it being something else, I’d only be kidding myself.

But yes, sometimes I still resent certain people for certain things that have happened to me in the past. Let’s just say it’s enough not to trust myself around them if they magically appeared before me.

What baffles me is why I hate that bitch in Arizona more than anyone else I’ve ever known or met in my life. Shouldn’t it be my mother and the termite I hate the most? God knows they put me through more hell than anyone else on this planet.

And yes, sometimes I get resentful over the fact that I’m different in many ways, most of which I don’t appreciate. When I compare what I know about Alyssa to myself, I can’t help but ask myself, why? Just why? She’s tall. She’s no doubt forever skinny. She can drive. She can keep a schedule. She’s got a great career and will always have money. She obviously has a husband who can perform. She has a family. She has no birth defects. She has it all from what I can see. I know no one’s life is perfect, but I have a feeling her toughest times in life don’t even compare to mine. I mean, what could she possibly have about her that’s so fluky?

I wouldn’t want everything she has. My husband and I are older, and like most long-term couples, we’re content to be just damn good friends. I don’t want a family or a demanding career either. I think what gets to me is the fact that she has options and abilities that were never open to me whether I wanted them or not. I know it’s silly to compare but sometimes we do anyway, don’t we?

The fact that she hasn’t changed cover or profile pictures in four years tells me that, yes, she is aware of my past messages, and that’s why there’s been no apparent activity. I wouldn’t be surprised if she created a new account under a bogus name. If this is true, it’s kind of sad. All she had to do was either block me or tell me not to contact her and I would have respected her wishes. She didn’t have to run scared. I’m not dangerous. Fine, though. I’ll just use our chat thread to back up journals when I remember to. The more places I have copies, the merrier.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2023 Yesterday was so long, tiring, and stressful, and well, it was just one of those days. It was dumb of me to schedule an appointment so late in my day. What I thought would be a 2-hour outing was more like 4. That would have been fine if I wasn't so damn tired. That was more of the problem than the point of my day that I was in.

Another lesson we learned is to leave earlier for appointments. Google said it would take 36 minutes. We left an hour early, but that still wasn't enough. We hit unusually heavy traffic at a couple of points during the trip through Port Richey, New Port Richey, Clearwater, Dunedin, and other towns. It's a good thing we didn't have to go all the way down to Tampa. The first traffic jam was because of an accident. I don't know what was backing up traffic the second time around.

When we knew for sure that I would be about 15 minutes late for my appointment, I called the office and, after having to play hold, I let them know. The lady reached out to the office I was going to and then a minute later she told me it was fine and to just keep heading to the appointment.

They were kind enough to see me as late as I was, and they didn't make me wait long either. The doctor and the lady he was training did a fine job on my ear and it was painless as well. For those of you who don't know, I was born with congenital atresia of the left ear. They drilled a canal in the 90s, and it can't shed dead skin on its own. It has to be cleaned by an ENT periodically. They usually use a vacuum, and if it's as loud as it is with very little hearing in that ear, I can just imagine what it would be like with good hearing, LOL.

My good ear looks fine, and of course he looked up my nose and down my throat too. The lady is going to be working in Spring Hill which is closer to our place, so she gave me her name, and in half a year, I'll see if she's in network.

So one appointment down! It's a relief to have this done and already my TMJ is much better.

So can we take my tired ass home from there? Of course not. With only 4 miles to spare, we had to run to the nearest charger but that's the slow charger So we had to wait close to an hour to get enough charge to go to the fast charger to top it off. This was at Whole Foods, so we grabbed some food from their buffet. These grocery store buffets are never that good. Had I known better, I would have just gotten mashed potatoes. That was the only decent thing they had. The rest was either bland or spicy.

Once at the fast charger, he had to pee really bad, so he walked across the parking lot to Baskin Robbins while I waited in the car, too tired to haul my ass along with him. If anything worked out in our favor, it's that it was a cool day for Florida. It got up to 76 but was still around 60 degrees at the time.

He grabbed himself a milkshake and me a small sundae and then we finally headed home. I wasted no time peeling my clothes off and falling into bed. But could I sleep? No, of course not! I was up for just over 18 hours. I'm not as tired as yesterday, but I'm not bursting with energy either, and I don't think I ever will be again in my life.

It turns out that my oxygen saturation levels were high a couple of times during my sleep. I thought sleep apnea was caused by being fat but it’s actually caused by relaxed throat muscles that cause the airway to narrow. Something about it failing the send signals to the brain telling it to breathe. I could still have some form of sleep apnea. I don’t know for sure, but next time I sleep, I’m going to try an experiment and sleep with one of those breathing strips on my nose that help keep the nasal passages open a little more and see if that helps. I didn’t wake up as much last time around. Just had a little bit of trouble falling back asleep when I got up around 9:30 to pee. It would really be nice if I could get more than an hour of deep sleep for a change too.

My OS could also be high because of inhaling exhaled carbon dioxide as a stomach sweeper. If my heart and thyroid aren’t a problem, then it’s got to be connected to something going on in my sleep. The question is, how can they do a sleep study on me in my case? It would have to be something I could do at home. I’m doubly cursed. First, I can’t keep a schedule, and then I can’t sleep without sound machines, so I couldn’t just do a typical sleep study.

The thyroid med is starting to knock some weight off again as it builds back up in my system. The question is how I'll feel in a couple of weeks.

Gallbladder removal surgery consult is now scheduled for March 9th. I’m guessing the bastard will be removed around the end of March.

Happy 61st birthday to Andy!

Still have more to catch up on, but I need a little break for now. Again, my energy level is better, but not up to par yet.

Later…

After hitting the road for half an hour and bringing my ride to 110 miles, I ended up taking a little nap. I really needed it too, even though that may have screwed up my schedule even more. Getting to my scope on the 22nd is going to be a bit of a challenge. But hey, I'm Queen of doing things in exhaustion anyway, aren't I? Gotta go all the way down to Tampa for this one too.

In a few weeks, Andy is going to Phoenix with his male friend, Ken. He'll be gone for a week.

I was thinking about my old doc's arthritis diagnosis of the "lump" I swear I feel at the base of my neck in front just toward the left where the clavicle bone attaches to the chest. Could it really be a coincidence that it became more noticeable again with the dose decrease? But then if my thyroid was enlarged in that spot, I suppose she would have felt it.

At least the planes are quiet this morning. They were pretty mellow for a few days, and then we had a couple of days where we were right back to the every few minutes thing and it was pretty annoying.

Out of curiosity, I emailed Christiane the other day and told her I hoped that Nane wasn't in Turkey when the earthquake hit. Her quick and simple reply said, no, Nane was in Munich while she was in Austria skiing. That was it. Never asked how I was doing or anything like that. A part of me considered being sarcastic and saying, "I'm doing OK, by the way. Thanks for returning the question." But hey, you can't make people care about you. Like I said a while ago, if it wasn't for my curiosity I'd never hear from her again.

We got a large ugly-looking recycling pail but decided it was about time we did our part here. We won't have enough for them to pick up every single week, so we'll aim for the times when I'll be awake when they come around since they're loud as fuck. We didn't even have a full recycle bin every single week at the other place.

I had a dream where I was speaking or listening - I think listening - to someone speaking fluently in a foreign language and I understood perfectly well what they were saying. I'm not sure what that language was, though. Maybe German.

Last night, I had tons of Alyssa dreams. I love it when I dream of her, even though they're usually weird or just not very good dreams. I wonder why I suddenly had so many dreams of her. Maybe because yesterday was her birthday and she popped into mind. We were neighbors one minute and then in another dream, I was at her workplace. Then she was talking to Tom for a second, and then she began dancing beautifully. She spun around like a beautiful ballerina and I was both surprised and amazed by her talent.

Tom and I agreed to have a “meeting” at the end of next month as far as what we're going to do and where. By then we'll know if his program is a bust or not. Right now it's showing promise and consistency. There's still more testing to be done, though. I realize I really need to start living in the moment and stop planning ahead so much. If I put too much energy into future plans, then I won't get much done in the present. The plan is to either decide where we may move to if the program continues to work out, or what we want to do to make this place more comfortable for the remainder of our life if it doesn’t. I realize it wouldn't be a waste if we put money into making changes in this place because if we ended up having money in a few years that we didn't expect, it would up the value of the house and what doesn't up it will just make us more comfortable while we're here. It's just that we don't have an endless supply of money, especially if things don't work out, and we can't do everything at once. We have a line of credit, but we'd kind of like to keep most of it for emergencies.

If this is our forever home, then when we can, I would like to soundproof one of the bedrooms from top to bottom against storms. I mean literally soundproof everything. Not just the walls. The ceiling, floors, windows, doors…everything.

We also need to redo the floors in this place, and I would like to take out the built-in desk by the door and add an indoor washer and dryer.

Another big thing I'd like to do is add cabinets and counter space to the kitchen.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 2023 I was mistaken when I wrote that the trip I created was 162K miles long. It's actually a little over 16K miles.

I guess I'll do an entry now because I don't anticipate being in a writing mood on the way down to the ear doc later this morning. Yeah, last time it was to Spring Hill, and this time it's to Port Richey, even though it's the same medical group of ENTs. They just have different locations. I miss my old ENT!

I've been exhausted for days. Yesterday the fatigue was heavy enough to nap even with a good sleep score and a decent amount of sleep. The last time around I kept waking up. My sleep is doomed no matter what I do. Who knows how many more days it will be before I have enough energy just to do another freaking painting? I'm just exhausted and overwhelmed with all the appointments!

They left a voice message yesterday morning, and I wish I had thought to have Tom check my phone because he could have called them back. It was to schedule with the doctor for the gallbladder consult. I'll have him try when we get back because I can't stay up forever. Really, I can't keep playing this game. I'm at the point where I just wanna say "fuck it" where my health is concerned. At least the gallbladder won't be an ongoing thing. Sooner or later, the bastard is going to be removed, I'm going to recover, and that will be the end of that particular issue. But I'm sure it won't be long before I'm replaced with a new one. I know how it works with me.

Too tired to write anymore right now.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2023 The new OpenAI chatbot is amazing! I asked it to write a short story for me and its response was…

Sure! Here's a short story for you:

Once upon a time, in a small village nestled in the heart of a dense forest, there lived a young girl named Lily. She lived with her parents in a cozy cottage and spent most of her days exploring the forest and playing with the woodland creatures.

One day, while on one of her adventures, Lily stumbled upon a hidden clearing filled with the most beautiful flowers she had ever seen. In the center of the clearing stood a magnificent tree unlike any she had ever seen before. It was tall and strong, with roots that seemed to stretch far into the earth, and its branches reached towards the sky.

Curious, Lily approached the tree and placed her hand on its trunk. Suddenly, she was enveloped in a warm, golden light and heard a soft voice whisper, "You have a kind heart, Lily. Your courage and compassion will lead you on great adventures and bring happiness to those around you."

Lily was amazed and asked the voice who it was. The voice replied, "I am the spirit of the tree, and I have chosen you to be my guardian. You must protect this forest and all the creatures that live within it, for it is a place of magic and wonder."

Lily was filled with a sense of purpose and responsibility. She vowed to protect the forest and all its inhabitants with all her might. And so, she spent the rest of her days exploring the forest and defending it from harm. She became known throughout the land as the Guardian of the Forest and was loved by all who knew her.

Years passed, and the tree's magic flowed through Lily, granting her strength and wisdom far beyond her years. And she lived happily ever after, watching over the forest and its creatures, always ready to face any challenge that came her way.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2023 My current location is in South Africa. It's a vast, wide-open desert. It almost looks like I could be riding through Maricopa, the small farming community in Arizona I lived in 20 years ago. I got in 60 miles so far of the trip. I wish they had never made the HUD so obvious and cluttered. You can see part of the handle of my virtual bike, even though in real life I'm on my skier. Just when I was worried it would be a waste of money. It's anything but that! If anything is a waste of money, it's the treadmill.

The 20420 coins are a bit frustrating because I have nothing to do with them. I've purchased everything I want for my trainer, not that I have her visible most of the time. I keep hoping they'll come out with either more outfits or skins for boards/bikes but they never do.

My rank is now 326!

I'm going to be riding through dry, barren terrain throughout here and in Namibia. But once I get to Angola it'll get a little greener.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2023 Created another long trip and this time I’m determined to stick to it. It’s just over 16K miles from South Africa up to Finland. I wanted to do a horizontal trip as well as a vertical trip from Europe on over to Asia, but it won’t let me. Anyway, I have to do 162 miles in order to complete 1% of the trip.

I had a weird dream about a huge rock-like egg in which people were expecting hundreds of mice to hatch from it at any second. Despite the weird dream, I slept better. My sleep score is climbing. It’s now up to 86. It didn’t record an HRV for me, though. I have no idea why I was so damn exhausted those two days or why my heart raced as it did a couple of days ago.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 2023 Every now and then I go back to old entries to add in little things I forgot along the way. I was going to do that with yesterday's entry, but now I can't remember what it was I was going to add.

Today is a little better than yesterday, so far. I’m still tired, but not quite as tired. I got a sleep score of 83, and while that’s better than 79, 85 and up is best for me. I still woke up several times. The best thing is that my heart isn’t racing and beating so hard as it was yesterday. Hate that feeling!

It still frustrates me to know that I’ve been suffering for the better part of a decade now, and have twice as long to continue to do so if things don’t magically get better somehow. It seems more often than not there’s something… Fatigue, anxiety, lightheadedness, racing heart, depression…something. We all get old at different ages. I got old at 48, and I probably have 20 more years to live. That will make 30 years of being old. ☹

I envy those who are older than me that seem to be able to be on the go and do things every single day. Of course, they're always on days. I just wish I could be normal! It seems that all my life I've had something fluky about me.

Last night's HRV was 16. I'll definitely address this with a cardiologist if I can ever get my damn gallbladder out of the way. That's gonna be another month or two.

I wish we had a smart lanai. I went out there to get the last of the sunshine, trying to help myself perk up. Some of the sun filtered through the plastic wrap and blinds, but it would be nice if we could tell Alexa to open everything but the screens when we were out there, and then close them when we wanted them closed.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 2023 Yesterday wasn't the greatest day. Today, I'm horribly tired, and my heart is having bouts of racing. Yesterday I found that a gummy didn't help much when I started to feel on edge so I took half a hydrocortisone. Ended up crashing about 3 hours earlier than I usually would. I realized I was totally overdoing it with the exercise. Especially since I'm not getting any results. If I ever need to hold my schedule for a week or so, then it might be worth it because it helps keep me from being up too long.

I ended up sleeping a whopping 11 hours, something I haven't done in years. Got a horrible sleep score of 79, though. I decided to sleep with the sound machine at a comfortable volume, and therefore the recycling truck was able to wake me up. Fortunately, I was able to fall back asleep quickly, but I kept waking up a lot. Had to pee at one point as well.

My HRV was at 20. It only checks it in your sleep, though.

Like me, he's noticed a decline in stamina. He dreads cleaning the gutters because he knows it's going to drain the shit out of him. Just walking a mile to pay the water bill wiped him out as well. So he made a flow chart and created a circuit training plan that is supposed to improve his fitness level in a healthier way. It alternates between light workouts, HIIT routines, and strength training. If it helps him then I'm going to do the same thing.

I miss the days when I felt good most days and had energy most days as well. When I think back to when I was in school many decades ago, and how I was active all day long and then after school until bedtime with plenty of energy to spare that I would lie there awake for what seemed like forever, I wonder how the hell I ever did that. I know I could never pull it off these days.

Again, without sounding discouraging or even scary, I hope this helps my younger followers in their older age to read about what it's like for some of us to grow old as I would guess they're going to experience at least some of the things I've experienced.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 2023 Finally got curious enough to ask Mrs. Twenties to please ask if the lady that bought our old house got any mail from any of the termites. While I wait for an answer on that, they lost part of their carport during the storm. It was noisy during the cleanup with all the downed trees. OMG, I can just imagine! A part of me wished it hadn’t waited until we left to finally get some real rain but now I’m glad it did, and even more so, because that roof was on its last leg.

So Tom had a hard time waking up this morning and he felt dizzy. I guess that’s called sleep inertia. He also read that a low heart rate can mean you’ve already had a heart attack. He’s pretty sure he never had one though. He still needs to let his new doctor know he’s got a low heart rate when he sees them this summer.

I slept through the mowers and the honker leaving on the motorcycle. He left at the usual time of 10:30. Last week, it was earlier. He came back at 4:00, and this time he didn’t coast but he didn’t rev it either. He turned it off just a few seconds after pulling into his driveway. He might have left it on so he could better position it. I’m hoping I’ll see it covered soon enough because that will probably mean it’s not going out again for a week.

I’m surprised he trimmed the big tree that’s between him and Sue’s place. I thought that was something he did before he headed up north but he doesn’t appear to be going anywhere anytime soon. It will be interesting to see how late in the year he stays now that he’s retired. I’m hoping he’ll be gone by mid-April and that next door doesn’t sell this year.

I adore my buddy Jessie, but she is definitely not the brightest bulb in the pack, LOL. I asked what symptoms she had since they lowered her med or did they just simply tell her that one of her numbers was too low and that she needed to lower the dose since not everyone has symptoms. She said she doesn’t remember what they were and she just answered when her doctor asked if she was experiencing certain symptoms. I told her that if she didn’t remember then she likely didn’t have any. Then she said she never experienced hypo symptoms, even though her thyroid has been dead for a long time. I told her that wasn’t what I was asking but was a bit surprised to learn this since I had just about every single symptom that goes with low thyroid.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 2023 Fitbit won’t give me my HRV results for last night. It only measures it when you sleep. I don’t know how accurate or meaningful it is, but it tells me my HRV is unhealthily low. His is much better.

If his plans don’t work out, I worry we’re not going to be able to come up with enough money to get the things done that we want to do. It seems like there’s always something coming up to set us back. First there’s the AC and now it’s my gallbladder. Plus, I still need my bridge replaced. I hope he doesn’t have to go back to work at any point but you never do know. I would be okay with it as long as he wasn’t unhappy and I wasn’t having problems. And no 12-hour days!

I wish I could know what to expect in the future. I’ve spent 57 years not knowing so having a heads-up would be a refreshing change.

No more burning where the sun doesn't shine so the cranberry juice helped. I still don’t know that it was a UTI. It could have very well been the powder I was using. It’s a little hard to believe it could have been a UTI because bidets keep you so much cleaner.

So the honker did coast in the other day when he returned for good, cutting the engine when he got to Toni’s place. Tomorrow is Tuesday, so he’ll be taking the motorcycle out while I’m asleep. and the mowers are coming too. So my sleep is going to be at risk tomorrow, but more so because of the mowers than because of him. If they come around with the really loud one, then I’m going to be tired tomorrow too. Today I’m tired because I kept waking up. We both napped earlier.

There’s been a definite increase in motorcycles around here overall and it sucks. Fortunately, the planes are quiet tonight. They were really annoying the last couple of nights. Still hearing helicopters and small planes every day, though.

I only hit the road for 20 minutes tonight. I’m in France right now. I just feel like I’ve been overdoing it, although it seems to be keeping me from being up for so long even if I still keep waking up (that much is an age thing). Plus, I’m too tired to do any more tonight. My rank is climbing! I’m up to 333. Tonight, I’m just going to write and maybe do my nails. I’m also doing the final editing of my short story that’s just under 10K words.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 2023 Really hope I don’t have a UT infection going on now, based on the burning sensation I’ve been getting. Drinking lots of cranberry juice now.

Today is one of those days where I would definitely take a rural setting over this place. First, the bitch behind the honker sits there gunning her motorcycle for several minutes before turning it off. Then she does it again a short while later and eventually goes somewhere.

Then it’s the honker’s turn to annoy me on top of startling the shit out of me when he fires up his own motorcycle that should never have been allowed in here. A few minutes later, he returned without cutting the motor and coasting the rest of the way. I could tell he forgot something because he parked parallel to the end of his driveway. Sure enough, he runs inside and then back out a minute later to take off again, this time heading the other way.

At least the honker should be gone in about 70 days. Unfortunately, though, this bitch is here year-round right along with Happy. They let him bark 31 times the other day and at that moment I wanted to let the redneck have it, but I know people. He would only go hipo on me and complain that I complain.

I’m in a good mood, despite the annoyances.

A certain reply to a certain reply of mine put a smile on my face earlier. Maybe I shouldn’t be so quick to judge people because some of them are actually quite nice. Love how she said she was flattered she showed up in one of my dreams, LOL.

Also, I value those who are good listeners. I’ve dealt with enough people in this world who can’t shut up long enough to let you get a word in edgewise.

I’ll have to ask my doctors more about HRV scores if I really do want to consider seeing a cardiologist in the future. My numbers are supposed to be unhealthily low from what I’ve read. It's a good thing I have time because I'm still undecided on whether or not to see a cardiologist. I hesitate to on days I don’t have any issues and because it is what it is. My gallbladder isn’t what it is because it can be removed. But they can’t remove my heart. So with the odds of me being unable to tolerate any medication they may want to give me, it might not be a good idea to see a cardiologist.

I had so much fun skiing on the road yesterday that on and off I ended up doing it for two hours and 7 minutes! My rank is now down to 339 out of 181801. I rode 38.3 miles! It might be slightly faster than 20 miles an hour because online it says it should take 15 minutes to go 5 miles at 20 miles an hour. Yet I got there in 13 minutes and 45 seconds. No big deal, though.

Oh, speaking of skiing, I forgot to mention something really cool I saw on my Sweden ride. A couple was dressed in full skiing gear. Only the skis had little wheels under them and they were skiing along the streets. It was really cool and looked like a lot of fun.

I had a dream I woke up very cold. I asked Alexa what the temperature was and she said 55 degrees. If that’s not funny enough, when I asked her to turn the heat on she said, “It’s broken.”

Then I got up and found I was in our old Phoenix house and the honker lived next door.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 2023 Loving these Jarritos sodas I tried at the market the other day. I got a case of 12, each with a different flavor. Not something I’m going to make a regular habit of getting because it’s a little pricey and there’s a lot of sugar in these things.

I wanted to switch to my outer office, but at 7:00 PM the planes are simply too obnoxious. You can hear them best in that area of the house and three planes in three minutes is a bit much. They should taper off in a few hours, but not stop until around midnight. I wonder how many more years before I finally get used to this. This is the way it is almost everywhere now so why don’t I just get with the times?

Today started off to be just so-so. I wasn't anxious but was slightly on edge as I worry about transitioning onto nights. He's going to partially match my schedule so it won't be as bad. Plus, I do have the gummies, the hydroxyzine, and I know Helen is just a text away so that helps. After taking a gummy I felt better.

I'll get back on with the painting in a few days. That's something I like to do in the middle of the night when there are fewer distractions.

Tom woke up on fire, he told me. I guess guys do that too at times. This week's VZ challenge is going to take me through Vermont, the Canary Islands, and back to a different section of Tasmania. He got the Cadence sensor hooked up to the skier and it's so much fun! You appear to be riding the bike, of course, which I have to switch to. I'm a little overpowered and it takes several seconds to come to a stop but it's so much fun riding my little "toy car" down the street and exploring anywhere in the world I want to go. I say "car" because my hands positioned on the skier's rails are almost similar to if they were positioned on the wheel of a car.

I'm finally about halfway through my 78-mile ride around Lake Tahoe. I do that ride in between challenges.

We've agreed for him to fold the skier up before bed if he crashes before I do so that way if I want to golf on my own or something like that, the skier isn't in the way. I can meditate whether it's there or not. But I can't golf, box, or dance.

Earlier I became very light-headed, hungry, and shaky. Tested my blood sugar about a half hour after eating and it was normal. I'm not sure what that was about. I lost two of the four pounds I gained and I did it without counting calories or doing anything too extreme. I just lowered my quantity by eating less often. I was getting too carried away for a while. This is the first time in ages that I grabbed the reins of my weight when I saw it was getting out of hand and yanked it back down even if it was only a couple of pounds. So my metabolism definitely isn't as dead as it used to be. I'm still a little worried about how I'll feel once I get past the middle of the month but lab time won't be much longer.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 2023 For $20 I got a VR painting app called Vermillion. Facebook more than paid for it, since they're giving me more and more jobs to do. I think I'm now making over 100 bucks a month doing their surveys and studies.

I haven't checked it out entirely yet, but so far it seems pretty realistic. I've chosen the bright sunny loft with its large plants to be my studio environment. The old-fashioned Victorian-looking room was okay but not as bright. Didn't care for the passthrough at all, especially since the cameras on these headsets produce a grainy, black-and-white picture of our real-life surroundings when we step outside our guardians. The cameras on the newer headsets are supposed to be better and in color as well.

Had this really weird dream that my parents were still alive and I went to visit them at their house. The weird thing was that I never saw them because they were off mingling with their neighbors. I was looking forward to chatting and catching up on things because it had been so long. But instead, I was left alone to wander through their place. As I gazed around at the square-shaped, small two-bedroom house, I realized I didn't find it as nice as I used to. I liked our newer home better even if it was too small. I could see how I liked it a lot when they first moved into it and I was much younger.

Knowing my mother recently had surgery for something, I spotted a letter lying open on their kitchen table. Only the letter was written in a language that doesn't exist. There were gray circles throughout the letter with different symbols in them, each representing a word that I seemed to understand perfectly well. The only line I remember reading was, "I'm sorry your surgery bankrupted you."

Then I woke up, got up to use the bathroom, fell back asleep, and the dream actually continued! Only this time, Tom was with me. Same thing, though, with my parents out and about somewhere. We slowly walked through the house and I asked Tom what something I spotted in the corner of a room was before my eyes could focus on it and he said, "That's a bathroom," even though it was really a microwave. LOL.

Then I told him I didn't remember things correctly because I thought they had a slider in back of their house with the beach just beyond it. But there was actually a door with a little hallway leading to an outer door. Plus, the beach was across the street in front of their place.

Suddenly worried for our own future as I realized things weren't as well with them as I thought, I turned to Tom and asked if he thought we would be able to move into a bigger house, but most importantly, survive financially for the rest of our lives. He said he couldn't guarantee things.

Later… Got a great shot of this cute little egret that jumped onto some bushes outside the window of Burger King to beg this lady for food a couple of booths down from us.

So Helen and I started breaking down the most traumatic and tough events of my life. I forget what it’s called, but she’s doing this thing that helps change the way I perceive and feel about past events in order to help me in the present and the future. Then she’s going to be doing a form of EMDR on me. Today, after filling her in on my many upcoming appointments, we discussed the worst memory I have of my mother. Oddly enough but gratefully enough, despite the stress and the not-so-fun trip down Memory Lane, I have continued to feel good both physically and emotionally.

When we went out in the 75-degree temperatures, I felt fine. I felt nice and comfortable instead of like I was on fire despite 75 degrees not being that hot. My heart hasn’t raced either. I wish I could always feel this way. I hate to think it’s because my thyroid numbers are way off, but I would rather that and feel good than the other way around. The lower that TSH goes, the faster my heart races and the more I feel like I’m burning up no matter what the temp is not to mention the anxiety and depression that comes on. I should get a better sense of where my thyroid is somewhere between the middle and end of this month and then it will be lab time again. My calculations put me at 6. If I’m under 10, I’m not changing a damn thing. Whenever I make changes is when the trouble starts.

I’ll be meeting with Helen again in a couple of weeks. Between my schedule, her schedule, and all my other appointments, that’s the soonest I can meet with her. In another week or so, we’ve got to call to schedule the appointment with the surgeon.

I also gave Helen the main highlights of my childhood, including the time I was a ward of the state. At the end of our session, she had me bring me back to my safe place I call Rainbow Beach. She also had me visualize putting the shitty memories of my mother in a locked box to save for when we meet again. So while the bitch got to toss me to the state, I get to place her in a nice, bright hot pink (my fave color) steel box with chains wrapped around it…until I give her permission to come out. grins wickedly

For the first time, I actually laughed at the Devil Dog part of it. When I was explaining to Helen that I grabbed whatever I could from the cabinet because I had so little strength that day and ended up with a pack of Devil Dogs, she didn’t know what I was talking about at first. The funny part was when I said, “I haven’t had the damn things ever since and I never will.” So we both laughed at that one.

It was nice how she thanked me for trusting her with this before we signed off.

Tom seems to be tired more often lately. I wonder if it’s age or his own TSH. He’ll be seeing a doctor this summer when he needs more blood pressure pills and they’ll probably do a blood panel on him and find out what’s going on. Maybe it’s just age. Besides, naps and retirement kind of go hand in hand. He doesn’t nap every day, though.

Andy’s been fighting depression for the last few weeks so he started working out again. That will definitely help, and as I told him, more isn’t necessarily better. Even 15 minutes is better than nothing at all.

I returned Vermillion and requested a refund because it was too complicated to use. The graphics were great, but the navigation got confusing as hell.

Then my headset lost its mind for a while. It kept telling me to create a new Guardian and would lose tracking. It was also placing me in the wrong position within apps. Instead of appearing to be standing by the tray that holds all the different golf balls in the Walkabout app, I’m floating above it one minute, then I’m embedded in it the next. So I cleaned the camera lenses and when Tom was looking at it, he found that the edges of the stickers I had on it were lifting and creating shadows which were confusing it. No wonder the damn thing has been telling me to turn the lights on lately when the lights were already on.

The only funny thing was that we swapped heights and he appeared shorter than me when we were golfing earlier. Before we figured out what the problem was, he created a new guardian and when you do that, it calibrates your height.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 2023 What a frustrating day so far! The bitch behind the honker was getting on my nerves running and gunning her motorcycle. Did she not read the rule book that says you’re not allowed to sit there revving engines?

Some other guy has been cruising up and down the park on a quieter motorcycle. And while it may be a quieter one, still, what have these places come to? I wish they were like they were in the 80s. I hate how they’ve become so mainstream. It makes you wonder what’s next. Letting kids live here? Allowing those with dogs to let them stay outside overnight?

Now they tell me the ENT I really need to see this Friday is no longer in network after we noticed the referral expired. I thought that once I was an established patient, I could see them as often as I wanted. But apparently, they do this on the first of every year. Getting really tired of making a career out of hunting for doctors, making calls to offices and insurance companies, filling out forms, and having a million appointments! I’ll be seeing someone else in two weeks instead but where are all the female doctors in Florida? It seemed there were more female doctors in Cali than male.

Another frustrating thing is the car starter battery. He knows it needs to be changed, but the person who came out and inspected it said it was good. Yet he has to jump the damn thing every few days or so. He read online that this is a common problem and they recommend you just keep calling them out and eventually they’ll replace it. It’s under warranty too.

My gallbladder was a little crampy earlier. I don’t think it liked the milk in my cereal, even though I got lactose-free. I probably won’t have a surgery date until the end of this month or the beginning of next. Jessie said she’s had endoscopies before, and they’re a piece of cake.

Reading back in my earlier journals, I realize I’ve never been correct in predicting anyone’s death. I thought one of my parents would die at 83, yet they both died at 80. I thought his mother would make it to 86 or 87, yet she made it to 93. So I realize that I could be wrong when I assume Tom will make it to 85. I just came up with that because that’s common these days, and that’s how long his father lived. Well, 84 to be exact.

[x-v4mp3y3lin3r-x]

Buying stuff that is unnecessary but improves your quality of life is just so fun actually? I just got magnetic makeup palettes and they've made me instantly happy. I'd already depotted the eyeshadows I use often, because traveling with a bunch of bulky makeup palettes is annoying, but I'd previously just hot glued them inside of some random things I owned? Like I had my two main eyeshadows glued inside of a magnetic mini compact (since the eyeshadows weren't magnetic themselves), and most of my other eyeshadows were glued inside of a Gameboy shaped candy tin lol

So being able to put all of those in a proper palette, that takes up like 80% less space in my makeup case, is exciting!!! & I got to depot one of my favorite makeup palettes (the Profusion coffin palette with the Urban Decay Gash dupe, I've talked about it before) and it actually looks SO CUTE with it's little coffin shape

Obviously it's a little bare bones rn, but I need to buy some new black & white eyeshadows anyways since I can't repurchase my current favs. I need a new contour powder too, but I just got my first cream contour and I'm gonna give that one a fair shot before I replace it lol

I'm also sort of anxious/annoyed/worried? A lot of brands have been making their eyeshadows harder to depot without breaking, and basically all of my favorite brands have either stopped selling eyeshadow singles (Nyx??? Do they still sell them in store??) or changed the formula to an unbearable extent (RIP Wet n Wild eyeshadows you will be missed) so rn I'm just like. fucckkkk I can't afford to buy $30 palettes every year JUST for the black and white eyeshadows from them, especially if there's a chance they'll break

rn I want to try Sugarpill's eyeshadows when I get the chance, and I'm hoping and praying that I like them, because they seem like one of the last “affordable” (😭) brands that's not gonna discontinue their eyeshadow singles. so, recommendations for GOOD eyeshadow singles that I won't have to take out a small loan to buy? 😁

[nathank77]

8/12/24

10:45 a.m

Last night was the second night in a row where I had to double up on everything for sleeping pills.. it got to 12:35 a.m and I smoked weed cause I was fucking done and I did fall asleep...

I had one red bull in the morning, early, stopped caffeine consumption by 2 p.m. I didn't shower. I just watched TV and masterbated all day.

I mean I was stressed and am stressed about money but I dont understand. Do I have to go out every single day and sweat my ass off in the car just to fall asleep at night?

Tonight will be an all nighter assuming I can't sleep on the original dose of everything. I'll smoke weed only right before bed... then when the second dose would be coming assuming I don't fall asleep, I'll take everything except the xanax. I'll smoke more weed and if I'm not sleeping by 1 a.m I'm going to be a miserable sack of shit cause I'm going to keep myself awake until 8 p.m and then take the original dose and fall asleep... I'm not raising my tolerance. I'll take two nights of it but 3 nights are never going to be a thing.

I'm starting to think i have to leave the house or go in the attic everyday in order to sleep easily... it's fucking stupid bc I used to game all day everyday and only go shopping or run errands when I had to. Drink red Bulls, and eat whatever and fall asleep like a baby on my circadian rhythm. Then psychosis happened to me and everything changed.

Idk if it was the weed or the Xanax that finally knocked me out.

Tonight I'm 1000% smoking right before bed..... cause it does fucking help. At 12:35 a.m I had had the second doses all in me for a hour and I smoked weed I was gone in like 15 minutes.

Tomorrow and Wednesday I have appointments and shit both days. Dentist and bloodwork tomorrow, t shot and grocery shopping Wednesday so in theory I'll fall asleep bc I will be outside sweating in my hot box of a fucking car.

I want to go out now, go to bjs and cvs, I want to do my bloodwork, just to try fall asleep easily... but I already showered bc I didn't Saturday or Sunday cause I wanted a relaxing very low ocd weekend.....

And I don't fucking want to sweat, my car is a fucking hot box with the window sealed shut and the air conditioner hardly working. I already have to be sealed in the hot box tomorrow, Wednesday and Friday for new Hampshire....

I don't fucking want to sweat in the car just to almost ensure that I will fall asleep. I just want the weather to go to 40 degrees so my car isn't a torture chamber anymore and going out isn't horrible.

The weather is nice.... too bad my car will be 20 to 30 degrees hotter. It's fucking disgusting and makes me feel sick being sealed in without being able to open a window and then I step outside and it's 30 degrees cooler even on the 90 degree days!!!

There is a reason I've been being a homebody I'm sick of getting nasous sitting in my hot box. I just want the weather to go to 50-60 degrees the warmest so I can be comfortable again.

I can't afford an ac in my car. I can't afford a fucking motor in my windows. That's never happening, it's a luxury. So every summer I will melt and aviod going out more than once or twice a week.

Anyways I'm fucking pissed cause if my car wasn't a hot box I'd just run a few errands and I'm sure it would help me fall asleep easily tonight.

I'd rather not use weed but I mean I'd rather not have to pull an all nighter.

I'm not raising my tolerance. I refuse. If I don't sleep tonight, I'll sleep tomorrow it's whatever. If I don't sleep either nights I'll jump off a bridge.

I honestly just want to kill myself. I'm not allowed to drink red bull. Smoke weed. I'm not allowed to game. I'm not allowed to do anything if I want to sleep easily. Appearantly I have melt outside or in the attic and be fucking miserable and I can't have any enjoyment or relaxation.

I hate to say it but I'm a fucking homebody and I like relaxing and I don't want to fucking go out especially not in my fucking hot box.

So yea I'm anxious. I won't be raising my tolerance but if I can't sleep I guess I'm pulling an all nighter. And if I can't sleep the next night I'm committing suicide.

It's chill though I know my days are numbered and my quality of life will always be a zero. I can't even fix my ac in my car. I got to melt and I'm not getting a new bed. I can't even afford it on the new credit line, I'm too poor. Counting items in my house trying to control how much I buy and cutting things out.

I'm really done with being Alive. I obv have therapy twice today.... and that's stupid and then I won't have it any other days this week cause my life sucks and no one wants to work with me..

I'm sick of struggling to sleep. I'm sick of all of the things I enjoy being taken away from me bc the POS brain damaged mangled mess of neurons I have up in my brain isn't capable of sleeping easily if God forbid I enjoy a day with 1 red bull and I game or I watch TV.

Instead I must sweat in my hot box if I am to sleep.

I can't wait until it's black nothingness. This hallucination won't ever go away and life isn't worth living.

[calamityandme]

I think I need to update my tumblr on what’s happened this year.

I HAVE A FULL-TIME JOB. I got it around 4 months ago. It’s really good for me and it’s helped us so much financially. It doesn’t make me as horribly anxious as my other jobs used to. It’s still a job, but it’s much better on my body and mind. I hope I don’t fuck it up.

IM MARRIED!! I didn’t know if I would be able to afford my wedding at the beginning of the year/last year, but we did it with a LOT of help. It wouldn’t have happened without my parents, Danny’s parents and our loved ones. It doesn’t feel real.

If I have a wedding regret it’s that I really sweated the details. It was stressful, my husband forgot several things important for the ceremony lol. I also forgot the marriage license to be fair so it’s not all on him. It really was wonderful though. When I was about to walk down the aisle I was sooo anxious. I was terrified to be the center of attention and have everyone look at me. Once I saw Danny at the alter, everything was okay. He looked soo good. I had never seen him in a suit before. Our vows were perfect. I wouldn’t change them for a thing. His were so wonderful and I can’t comprehend that he loves me as much as I love him.

Two different couples I know are getting married soon! One couple around October, the other couple isn’t even engaged yet but will this year. Love is in the air. It’s crazy.

On some sadder news, I have had a lot of health issues lately. Last month I had a colonoscopy, then two weeks later was admitted to the hospital because I had several sinus pauses in my sleep. I wore a heat monitor for a month because I was feeling dizzy and lightheaded with some activity. I didn’t expect the heart monitor to actually catch h something abnormal. The longest my heart stopped beating was about 10 seconds. I thought I had sleep apnea. I may still have sleep apnea, but my insurance denied the sleep study. So every night I go to bed I have to accept the fact that I don’t know what will happen. Will my heart stop beating altogether? I wake up every day and just go about living as best I can. I have a doctor’s appointment for next month. Hopefully I can get a at home sleep study done or something.

On top of the sinus pause, my heart rate will go between 25 BPM to 175 BPM in a week/day. I think anxiety makes my heart rate go up, or the opposite that my heart rate being so erratic is making me anxious lmao. Either way my insurance doesn’t care. They denied me because they said I didn’t have a valid reason for needing a sleep study. I guess I won’t need a sleep study if I fucking die in my sleep so fair game.

My mom gave me an old Fitbit of hers to try to monitor my heart rate but I stopped using it. I just feel helpless when I can’t do anything other than try to be healthy. I am at the whim of my health care providers.

Now it’s after the business of the wedding and I’m trying to figure out how I feel. I’m head over heels happy and in love with my husband of course, but I feel like I can never catch a break. I just want to be able to stop and appreciate the moments I’m in now. It’s just really hard to.

I’m so happy and I’m in a much better place than I was a year ago, but I just am so tired. It’s hard to be positive when the world is on fire.

[uncloseted]

Sorry to vent but I dont know what to do with my situation. I live with my mum and she's past retirement age but still works. She's planning on retiring soon but she has no savings and the government only gives elderly people a few hundred dollars a week (we dont have 401k here). This money is not enough to cover living expenses (I pay weekly rent but the total is still not enough). I will need to get a second job to pay the mortgage and bills so we can keep the house. I told her I will do this

and she got upset and told me I make her feel like she can't retire. Money wise she can't without losing everything and living below the poverty line so that is why I'll do two jobs to support both of us. I just hate that she makes me feel bad that I make her feel bad when I'm only being realistic. I dont want us to be in poverty. I dont tell her this because it is a selfish thoght but she has always told me no matter what happens in my life there will always be a roof over my head with her but when she retires that wont be true because she could not afford to keep the house. I'm sounding like a selfish person but it's hard as a child (even though I'm a adult by age) to have that security taken away from you. Now I feel like I need to be the parent money wise and earn an income to look after both of us. It makes me more anxious at work because I can't afford to lose my job or get sick. I guess this is being an adult :/

First of all, your mom is putting a lot of responsibility on you and it makes sense that you would feel overwhelmed. I don't think you're being selfish at all, and I don't think that this is just part of being an adult, either. It's not fair for a parent to expect their child will be able to financially support them through retirement, and it's especially unfair to expect that when they know their child doesn't have that kind of money.

Beyond that, to me it sounds like you may need to have an honest conversation with your mother about what the financial situation you're in actually looks like. What do your expenses look like each month? How many hours would you need to work in order to afford those expenses combined with the money the government gives her? What would happen if those expenses aren't met? Is it that you're making her feel like she can't retire, or that she really can't afford to retire, and you're just being realistic about the situation?

Once you've laid out the situation with her, then you can try to problem-solve together. Would it be possible for her to move to a less expensive home? Are there expenses that could be cut or things that could be sold? Are there government programs, organizations, or religious groups in your area that might be able to help you out financially? I don't know where in the world you're located so I can't suggest any specific groups to look up, but if you want to tell me where you are, I'm happy to see what I can find. Another possibility would be to try and learn a new skill that would allow you to earn more per hour, so you can have more money to pay for necessities and support your mom. If you tell me a little bit more about your situation, I can also see if there are any programs in your area that might help you to develop skills to transition into a new job.

Finally, I know it's hard, but try to give yourself grace in this situation. You're doing the best that you can with what you have in a really difficult situation, and that's more than enough. This is a big change that your mom is introducing into your life, and it's okay to feel the way that you do right now.

[dear-happypills]

me: why am i so depressed

always. like, its not getting better...

happypills: you look fine to meh yooo. you look super star.

me: -_-;; i lost confidence in your support a long time ago.

sigh*

happypills: no, but really... i mean, i was asking my friend and his Host's, Jasons i think, situation just..... SUCKS.

like, living in a war torn country... like, you know?

like,.... just surviving.... to literally stay alive

compared to tthhhatt.... id say were doing pretty swell???

me: wait.... you have friends? what friend???

happypills: umm... my friend happypills.

me: wtf.... so when you say Host, does that mean i am your Host??? like how this other happypills is to this jason???

happypills: woww.... youre really not seeing the bigger picture here. all im saying is that you have a home, stable job, food on the table, money coming in....

me: ... and coming out because of all the shit you spend....

happypills: SEEE. why cant you focus on the positive. others think youre doing fineeee.

me: BUT.... IM NOT.

im not ...........

im stifled in anxiety for.... anything and everything... like im barely getting by each thing, every day.

... i..... wake up at night.

and think about some random shit -- past, present, future...

and i obsess over it. FOR HOURS.

and because i cant get sleep because of that, the next day i go to bed at like 8pm. but that turns to 12am .... just thinking. and lying on the bed. for 4 hours.

then i wake up around 1:30am... and do the same thing.

and turns to 4am.

and then at 5am im awake.... and go to work.

and rinse and repeat.

FOR WHAT??? like what???? i do all this just to survive too...

happypills: yea..... BUT i was speaking of surviving in terms of like... a bomb might drop ... and you lose a limb.

surviving like,.... youre starving.

surviving like,.... like someone might just bust into your place and rape you -- legit dick in butt type rape.

surviving like.... do i need to go on?

me: oh, so jason can afford happypills, but hes starving... thats me too. Bleh, ANYWAYS,... anyways,

i UNDERSTAND. but,.................. im drowning.

im....

in paralysis...

to a point where i cant go out of my home, aside from the routine i have of going to work and buying cigarettes.

happypills: ... yea, you really need to stop spending money on postmates.... and you tell me that i spend all your money??? just go out and buy McDonalds....

me: ...................................

.as i was saying....

i ..... am in paralysis. i .... cant ... explain it either. its anxiety... its depression. its stress. its ....

happypills: you just need to go out and meet some people???

me: UGH. you sound like everyone else; youre not listening...

i cant. just do that.... i dont know how to put something new into a routine ive made so that i can afford shit for myself....

JUST TO SURVIVE.

you know....

when i was in college, and students would take leaves for like a year or two.... or take a break from work and travel for a few months...

or something. to pause and change the pace.

that was never an option for me....

because the entire time....

i just want to survive. and get by. and if i took a break, the anxiety of falling behind...

would just get me to keep running....

happypills: oh jeez, its not like you have a PhD... or are a CEO.... or President... chillout

me: im not saying im climbing up... nor do i even want that.

i just.... need to keep a routine going.

a routine where i can exist.

because when it ends.

i dont rest,... but am anxious about not running...

so i forcefully, and barely, find a new routine.... and then run again, and run faster because of this fear of not being able to adapt....

and another cycle again. each time, worse and more difficult than before....

you know what i mean????

like.....yea, as you say, i know im not at immenent threat of being raped... but

i am just surviving....

....with this depression.

ugh........................................

..........................................idk..

i shouldve just.... taken a leave.

....

.

and never come back....

happypills: ....................................

.......................................

YEAaaaHHhHhhhhhhhh.......... ...................

BUT im still not really getting this surviving thing..

i mean compared to jaso..............

me: fuck you.

- happypills

[lovingdabeessss]

GIRLY POP I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOUR TAGS BUT P L E A S E REBLOG THE POST WITH THIS STUFF WHY LEAVE IT HIDDEN

Also your welcome for bringing this to your attention yeah they have never been apart this long last time they we’re going to Yang spent her time personally training Ruby to make sure she could SURVIVE without her like Ruby can’t fight without a weapon

Because like why would Yang train her with that prior if she was always around to protect her

She was so anxious to leave Ruby

And clearly from how Ruby acts the in the first episodes she’s also anxious to be without Yang but they’re both aware they have to separate so they can figure out who they are without each other

Ruby needs to prove to herself and Yang she’s capable

Yang probably realizes that being so protective of Ruby and doing so much for her she’s actually harmed Ruby as much as helped and also knows she’s also hurt by how attached they are

I personally love to think of yang getting older and realizing maybe she didn’t do a PERFECT job raising a child as a 5yr old and being devastated about it like she should’ve been able to be an incredible parent after not being raised

Like 14 year old Yang realizing she messed up ruby’s ability to trust adults cause yang doesn’t and being like 😬

But she can’t just SAY she messed up to Ruby how’s she’s supposed to phrase “I messed up raising you” without it being an insult

I gotta not ramble I could talk about the complexities of Yang and Ruby forever siblings in tv is all I care about and it’s also really hard to talk about without someone thinking I’m insulting either of them

But back to the point the fact that the first time they were apart was also losing almost everyone they care about and because they’re apart that includes each other

Like Yang lost her arm her future as a huntress which is what she was RAISED FOR her partner who’s who knows where her team her sister was in a coma and then she saw her once when very upset and then she’s GONE her uncle left she’s only left with her father occasionally who seems to leave a lot and she’s left to do all the chores alone??? With one arm??

Ruby just woke up from a coma Friend? Dead team? Gone school? Destroyed magical destiny laser vision responsibility? Gained now she’s off on her own leaving to fix the world on foot cause she does not have a license because she is a child and her sister who’s been her only consistent reliable caretaker for majority of her life is not here and she might not see her again for YEARS because

And I’d like to say this over and over and over again

The fact that Yang got a new arm is a HUGE STROKE OF LUCK and no one should have expected it

Atlas seems like the only place that makes them and not only is communication completely down but atlas specifically is shut down

They clearly couldn’t afford it tai doesn’t say he was going to get one he says pull some strings bionics and prosthetics are super expensive they’re a single parent teacher household that’s not a thing they could reasonably get without struggle anyway

He says it super casually but tai is like that it was probably very very very unlikely they could ever get it even with his many many strings especially with the crisis to security going on sending a weapon like that away on a whim for free doesn’t seem like an amazing decision they’d be jumping to do

The only reason they got it is because it was already sent without any talking it was a total surprise every one of yangs teammates probably believes she is never going to be able to come back into the fight unless she learns to fight with one arm which would take a LONG time

So rubys dealing with all that as someone who was raised by Yang with the only intention of becoming huntresses for their entire lives

The poor baby’s

@incredibly-unprofessional HOW DARE YOU THINK ABOUT THINGS I HAVENT EVEN PONDERED ON M Y POST

Also jaune both has an older sister and can definitely relate with this with Ruby and also is an older brother of many younger sisters so is probably happy to be seen like that again

Also he’s definitely used to being called the wrong name because he has a billion siblings

Also poor Ruby is leaving home for what could be YEARS knowing yang CANNOT follow her or be with her or anything and she didn’t even say goodbye and she’s just completely without her sister for the first time ever like they can’t even CALL it’s got to be so devastating for Ruby not to mention she’s doing this after two or more of her close friends have died and she JUST WOKE UP FROM A COMA

Yang has no idea calling other people Yang is a thing Ruby does and is very confused when people start to respond to her name when she gets to them

Yang: my name

All of her friends: o u r name

Yang:????

Also I can’t draw jaune I’m not ashamed of this but it is true

[wickeddruig]

false god

pairings: druig x fem!reader

summary: you discovered him at a museum and decided to visit him at his amazon village. he’s annoyed that you worship false gods instead of him

warnings: worship kink, praise kink, religion used for sexual pleasure, oral (male), riding, ass slapping, breeding kink(not really but kinda), nipple sucking/play, unedited

word count: 1.8k

you stood in front of a large statue, you were in an art museum, the statue was of a greek hero, your favorite actually. hades, god of the underworld. this statue in particular was interesting because he was naked and the statue was huge. meaning his cock was huge. you found fascination about what it would be like to have sex with a god.

you were sure if you believed in them but you were definitely intrigued by them. the stories of them, their drama, they were quite messy and that’s what you most found interesting about them. you took out your phone and took pictures of him, every crevice you could with your phone. you liked to draw sometimes so you liked to take pictures for your references.

you walked out of the greek mythology section and into the section of the eternals, greek mythology and eternal mythology were very different yet similar. just like any other mythology there were gods that were the same with different names. the thing you found interesting about the two was that the names were almost similar and they had the same powers for example with greek mythology theres athena, goddess of war and for eternal mythology there was thena, goddess of war.

the thing that made them different was that there were rumors that the eternals were still around whereas no one really knows with greek mythology. a lot of people worshipped the eternals, you didn’t worship anyone in particular, you just thought religion as a whole was interesting. people coming together and people believing in someone just for a little hope, there was nothing wrong with that.

one eternal in particular that you did like was druig. from the article next to his statue it says he’s the reason why the eternals split up. that he didn’t like the wars and he wanted to interfere. he was upset because he couldn’t and that he left that group and relocated to a small town.

another article says that the town was the amazon forest. you weren’t aware of this and begin to impulsively think of going to visit. it would be cool to meet a god, wouldn’t it?

—

you weren’t usually the impulse type but you thought ‘what the hell’ and booked a flight to the amazon. you had traveled before so this would be nothing new. you booked an air b&b type of situation. they weren’t very modern in the amazon but they also weren’t too non modern either.

you could definitely see how a god could be running a community there. you were really interested in getting to know why not many other people visited there to see him but maybe because the eternals still being alive was a rumor and not everyone can afford to go visit somewhere just to speculate rumors. but also it had the location in the art museum?

his eternal power was mind control which in your mind made him the most powerful so he probably put that into good use. as the plane landed you took a look at the community, there were a few people on the plane with you, very few people though. the family of the house you were staying at we’re waiting for you.

considering how anxious you get, you got nervous that they wouldn’t be able to recognize you or you wouldn’t be able to spot them so you asked for pictures and they were kind enough to send pictures to you.

“Hello” the husband greeted you, the wife smiled

“Hello” you greeted back

“Our home is right over here, not too far so we can walk, we were actually getting ready for sunday service, feel free to join us if you’d like” the husband took your bags and began to walk towards his home.

“I would love to” you said politely, of course you would to see how the community spent their days and how they lived their lives, you always wanted to live in a small village where you didn’t have to worry about bills and your only job was to contribute to the village.

you reached the village and they showed you to your room. you bought you unpacked a few things and headed back out so the three of you could walk to service. you had your notebook that you kept all of your research and mythology facts in. you figure whoever was running the service could maybe add more to your knowledge. maybe you could even see them agrees to see what they knew about the eternal god.

you entered the building, there were seats but not a lot of them. not many people were there yet so you told the couple you were staying with that you wanted to sit up front. you wanted to be seated right in front incase you had any questions. you knew service wasn’t a place for questioning but you weren’t familiar with this community so you just wanted to be sure.

more people and more people started to pile in and pretty sure the room had been filled the person who ran the service wasn’t there yet. that was kind of rude, you thought. almost immediately after that thought you heard the door behind you and everyone turned back to see the person enter the building.

you were mesmerized, the guy who entered the building was for sure druig, the eternal god. you couldn’t fucking believe it. he was just here? like that? preaching to people?

you made eye contact as he walked to the front.

“i’m seeing new faces” he said, he had a thick voice and a raspy voice. it almost made you melt “meet me after service”

service went on for quite a bit, he talked about good verses evil and how people should try harder to be good. he talked about how terrible wars were and how they were a danger to the human kind. we couldn’t handle wars like gods could so we should leave it to the gods.

the man was very into philosophy you could see

he kept looking over at you, making direct contact and even holding eye contact for long periods of time. he sometimes would lick his lips and smirk at you. you couldn’t help but feel flustered. something about his turned you on and you almost felt dirty thinking about the things he could do with his lips during his own service.

eventually service was over and you stayed back as you were asked. druig went to the doors and locked them, then he sat behind you, playing with the ends of your hair. you stayed still looking forward, taking in the empty room in front of you

“such beautiful hair” he leaned forward and whispered into your ear “what’s your name”

“y/n” you answered your breath almost getting caught in your throat. you gripped the notebook in your hand which made druig notice it.

“what’s this” he took the notebook out of your hand and flipped through it “you people always worship false gods”

you didn’t know what to say to that so you didn’t say anything. druig sat up and took a seat next to you flipping through your notebook and landed on his page. it wasn’t filled with much but you two sat in silence for a bit.

“would you worship me” druig asked, you looked up at him and nodded your head without a second thought. this man was a god for a reason, how could you not?

“then get on your knees and worship me” he said again, you immediately got on your knees in front of him. he wasn’t mind controlling you but he damn well shouldn’t. you sat in front of him as he palmed his erection “go on”

you looked up at him as he lifted his hips to pull his pants down. you grabbed his godly length in your hands and kissed his tip. you slowly started to take all of him into your mouth before he was completely in your mouth, luckily you didn’t have a gag reflex. you looked up at him and his eyes were closed. you began to bob your head and you took his balls into your hand. massaging them as you worked your head up and down. eventually he opened his eyes and you looked into each other’s eyes as you sucked him off. typically you didn’t go around having sex with random guys or giving random guys head. but this was no random guy, this was a guy.

“i’m going to cum” he groaned out “swallow”

you did as you were told, keeping eye contact with him. he put his hand under your chin, lifting it up to look at him. “you’re so beautiful, y/n”

you were stunned you didn’t even know what to say, a god thinking you’re beautiful? telling you that you are beautiful. people would only dream of this.

“now, get up here and worship this cock” he said brushing his hand over his cock.

you climbed on top of him and he buried himself inside you. you started to grind on him, he grabbed your chin and and pulled your lips to his, kissing you. his hand were roaming your body until they found your ass. he slapped it lightly at first, he slapped it again but harder this time which caused you to moan. you felt like he was testing how rough he could get with you.

“you’re so tight” he groaned when he moved his lips from yours. he still had his hands on your ass but this time he was gripping both cheeks. he complete took over thrusting himself inside you, he was moving so fast that you wrapped your arms around his neck and buried your face in his neck. leaving small kisses on his skin.

“druig” you moaned into his neck “fuck, my god”

“yes, worship me” he said thrusting inside of you faster. you threw your head back and he took that moment to take your nipples into his mouth, using one hand to slap your ass and the other to play with your free nipple “i could worship these”

he said referring to your boobs. you felt yourself getting close to your release. he kept slapping your ass with the hand that was gripping it. you were starting to think he was becoming obsessed with.

druig couldn’t get enough of your ass, it was so plump. it was big but it definitely wasn’t small, it wasn’t like the other girls in the village. not like he had sex with any of them, that felt wrong. but he knew when he saw you that he had to have you.

“can i come?” you begged him

“yes, beautiful” he moaned out, you let out a scream, throwing your head back and curling your toes. he was still thrusting inside of you. until he came inside of you. “with my seeds inside of you, my village should worship you too”

“i can make you a goddess” he whispered into your ear.

[fernweh-writes]

I love everything you write 😭😭💕 can you do Stu dating headcanons? I need more Stu content on slasher Tumblr 😩

Anything for you hun. I agree, there is simply not enough Stu content which hurts my heart. He is one of my favorites and he truly deserves more content. Guess I’m going to have to write the Stu content we all long for lol. I’m glad you enjoy my writing and hope you enjoy these headcanons!

-Fern🌿

Dating Stu Would Include:

This man would probably go overboard with bringing you flowers. He has the money to afford plenty of fancy floral arrangements and all it takes is you mentioning that you love when he brings you flowers. Pretty soon you’ll be getting flowers just about every time you see him. Definitely knows all of your favorite flowers and favorite colors of said flowers. Would also be the one to learn flower meanings just to be extra romantic and cheesy about the whole thing.

Speaking of cheesy, he has a secret soft spot for romcoms. He thinks they’re corny and dumb and that’s exactly why he likes them so much. Please don’t tell Billy that Stu enjoys movies that aren’t horror he will never be able to live it down. If Billy catches the two of you watching one Stu will 100% throw you under the bus. Billy can just call him a simp for watching a movie that you definitely picked out. “Sorry babe, I’ve got a reputation to keep up here.”

Would definitely keep you away from the whole killing thing, and does a pretty good job of it! That is until he comes home covered in blood one night and you just HAD to be grabbing a midnight snack from the kitchen. However, this man is. Not above eating on his knees and (dramatically) begging you to stay if you get super freaked out. Will tell you anything you want to know if it means you’ll stay.

Don’t think just because Stu promised not to kill the people you care about means he won’t kill anyone you know. Hopefully finding people you told Stu about being mean to you or annoying you showing up on the news completely gutted doesn’t freak you out either.

Dinner dates are a big thing for him. He loves to show you off and get a chance to spoil you. Besides, he gets to see you all dolled up just for him which gives him a major ego boost but also makes him feel more possessive over you.

If you ever complain about not having anything to wear you better prepare yourself for a major shopping spree. He’ll pick out things he thinks will look good on you and make you try them all on. He wants a whole fashion show in the fitting room. “Come on babe, give me a twirl.” He wants to see your outfits from every angle. Don’t worry though, Stu will carry the excessive amount of bags for you. He works out for a reason after all.

He’s a total dork but he’s YOUR dork. Stu is loud and extravagant in every sense of the word and isn’t afraid of being the center of attention. He doesn’t care about people giving him annoyed looks or glares, in fact he’s probably completely oblivious to it. This means you somehow become the center of attention…but by association?

Stu does love hosting huge parties as well but won’t push you to attend them if you’re shy or anxious. He’s more than okay with you just hanging out in your shared bedroom. You won’t even have to leave and face the crowd since he’ll be bringing you snacks and drinks as an excuse to come visit you and cuddle for short intervals. Expect a few make out sessions as well. After all, if he’s going to go all the way upstairs to see you he’s going to make it worth the while.

Surprisingly, he doesn’t put up with others making jokes about the two of you. Comments about him being gone for to long and coming back with messed up hair simply aren’t tolerated by him. Any kind of locker room talk regarding you can quickly result in said person being decked by yours truly. Only he is allowed to even think of you in that way. Any girls telling him that they could treat him better than you ever could are also quickly disposed of. You’re his and he’s yours end of story.

Is really good at comforting you, like surprisingly good at it. Stu usually seems like he couldn’t be serious if his life depended on it but he’s actually a very attentive and active listener. He doesn’t like to see you upset but understands that you can’t always be happy. If you just need to sit in silence for awhile he’s there to hold you. If you need some alone time he’s more than okay with that and he’ll go annoy Billy. Need to rant? You can call or text him anytime and he’ll be just as outraged/upset as you are. If you need cheering up he’ll show up with plenty of drinks, snacks, gifts, and of course cuddles.

[mypoisonedvine]

You, Me, and Him | (dark)Bucky Barnes x reader

summary: the worst thing about the man who did this to you is that he’s convinced he isn’t the one who did this to you (or, brainscrambled bucky decides to keep the gift that the winter soldier left for him)

word count: 4k

warnings: smut (noncon), yandere-ish themes, stalking, kidnapping, very unstable/erratic bucky, slapping, creampie kink, praise

When you opened your eyes, you wondered why your room looked so strange.  What possible angle could you be looking at your ceiling from that it would be like this?

However, when you turned your head, you suddenly realized that you were not in your room at all.  The next thing you realized was that your hands were restrained— shackled, specifically, and suspended above your head.  Obviously, this realization shot ice-cold terror through your veins as you began to try to understand how you’d gotten here.  Now that you thought about it, you didn’t remember going to sleep in your room: no, you’d been out shopping, in the middle of the afternoon.  Why couldn’t you remember anything after that?  

Your head spun when a door nearby opened, and the man that awaited on the other side brought it all back.

He was following me.  I tried to lose him, I turned a corner, but he was right there— and there was a syringe in his hand… and he must have—

“Oh my god,” the man gasped, “shit— are you okay?”

You stared at him in confusion, already starting to cry as you put two and two together about all this.  Generally, only one thing happened after a man drugged a woman and chained her to a wall.  The part that didn’t add up was the terror on his face as he rushed to you and knelt down in front of where you were lying— why was he worried about you?

“Oh no, oh nonononono,” he whimpered, mostly to himself, “oh god, I didn’t— this wasn’t… oh fuck.”

“Please let me go,” you started to plead between sobs, “I don’t know what you want, but I don’t have any money… I’ll give you whatever I have, I won’t tell anyone, just let me go, please—”

“No, no, no,” he shook his head quickly.  Either he wasn’t listening (bad) or he was denying your request (worse) and both possibilities just made you cry harder.  He, meanwhile, was rocking back and forth in front of you, covering his ears with his hands to muffle your cries.  “Oh god, what have I done, what have I done— what did I do?”

“Please don’t hurt me,” you whimpered.

“No, no, I won’t— I would never do that…” he sighed.  “I would never do anything to hurt you.”

You squinted as you tried to make out what that meant, sniffling as your crying subsided a little (mainly from being distracted by the confusion of it all).  “Do I… know you?”

He chuckled a little, scratching the back of his neck nervously.  “Uh, no, not really, I’m— my name is Bucky,” he explained, “I— you might have seen me on the news, but that wasn’t really me, that was this other guy—”

“Why did you do this to me?” you interrupted.

“No, see, that’s the thing: I didn’t do this to you.  It was… it was somebody else.  He’s… he’s in my head, and every once in a while he takes control and sort of does his own thing…”

Not that anybody who kidnaps somebody is totally right in the head, but this guy is certifiable.

“And he did this to you.  Don’t worry, it’s gonna be okay,” he assured you, though it wasn’t comforting at all, “I’m not gonna hurt you, I would never— I won’t do that, okay?  I’m just gonna… I’m gonna let you go.”

You sighed with relief, although some voice in the back of your head told you not to trust him just because he seemed regretful.  Regardless of his strange excuses, this was still the man who kidnapped you.

“You don’t believe me,” he realized with an awkward smile.  “It’s okay, I understand.  I wouldn’t believe me either— god, I must sound crazy, right?  But I’m not crazy.  I don’t think…”

This time your sigh was less relief and more irritation.

“See, I was, uh, tortured.  Experimented on.  That was a long time ago, and I’m mostly over it, but this other guy— he’s a soldier.  I guess I am, too, but he’s… more on the war crimes side of things.  Like, assassinations and stuff.  That’s a whole other story…”

I think I’d prefer to hear that one.

“Anyways, sometimes I get sort of… messed up?  Up here?” he gestured to his head, leaning back to sit on the floor in front of you with crossed legs.  “Like, I can’t tell what year it is or how long it’s been since I’ve slept.  My psychiatrist says I’m ‘losing time’ and that it’s normal for people with… whatever it is that I have.  But it’s scary, you know?  Because I don’t know what I’ve done in that time.  So today, I woke up and had no idea how I got where I was—”

Same.

“And I came down here and… you’re here.  I didn’t… I didn’t do this, I can’t stress that enough.”

“So… this other guy…” you tried to understand, hoping that appealing to his twisted sense of logic would get him to tell you something actually useful, “he did this?”  Bucky nodded.  “Does he do this often?”

“What, kidnap women?  No this is… this is new.  As far as I know.”

“Why me?”

“Uh…” he stalled, looking away.  “God, this is sort of embarrassing, but… it’s probably because I sort of have this, um, crush on you…”

“You don’t even know me,” you mumbled.

“No, you don’t know me, but I… I know you,” he nodded confidently.  “Do you remember a few months ago when you went to that art gallery by your apartment?  It was raining that day, I couldn’t tell for sure if you came in to look at the art or if you were just trying to get out of the weather but, anyways, you had on this big puffy coat— ‘cause it was cold out— and you took off your hood and you just looked around… I saw you, cause I was in there to look at the art, too, and you looked so beautiful.”

You were getting anxious.  He said he would let you go but he hadn’t really made any progress on that goal.

“And I sort of followed you after that, and watched you— I mean, that sounds really bad, it wasn’t like that, I just… I just wanted to make sure you were safe and—”

“Let me go, Bucky, please,” you interrupted, getting more desperate.

He shook his head with a sigh.  “You’re right, you’re right, I’m sorry… I just haven’t had anyone to talk to… you’re a good listener.”

Yeah, everybody’s a good listener when they’re tied up and forced to listen.

“Just let me finish my story and I’ll let you go.  I was kind of in the middle of something.  You know, it’s rude to interrupt people.”

Oh fuck.  You’d angered him.  It was subtle, but he was clearly irritated; he looked at the floor, and his jaw tightened a little.  It must have been that this candid talk made you forget he was unstable and that you needed to tread lightly.  You couldn’t afford another mistake like that.

“I’m sorry, Bucky, finish your story,” you offered.

“Okay,” he nodded, “well, anyways, when you came into the gallery you looked around for a while but there was one painting you kept looking at— do you remember it?” 

You shook your head.

“Really?  You must’ve stared at it for half an hour.  I swear I saw you tearing up a bit,” he smiled.  “Clearly it had an effect on you.  I wasn’t sure if you were considering buying it, or if it would make you upset to see it in your house every day, but the way you looked at it… it changed everything for me.  You smiled at me as you left, just a quick glance— I’m not offended that you don’t remember me just from that, if anything it’s good because it made it a lot easier to trail you, but… I knew then that you were such a kind, soulful person.”

“Oh my god,” you groaned, “I remember… I remember that.”

It was so cold out that the rain was nearly frozen.  You’d gone in to escape the elements, but one painting drew you in.  Someone else was there, a man that you remembered thinking was attractive but a little eerie with the way he just stood there, seemingly even more purposeless than you.  He smiled at you as you left, and you smiled back.  You were just trying to be friendly.  No good deed, though, right?

“Do you remember the painting?” he asked again, leaning in a little closer with innocent hope sparkling in his eyes.

“Yes,” you nodded, “it was… it was a woman, and she was looking away from the viewer, out over the water.  She looked sad, but determined, like she was thinking about something impossible to describe.”

He smiled wide then, apparently impressed by your description.   “Look,” was all he said as he pointed to the wall beside you— and as you turned your head, you gasped as you saw it: it was the painting, even more hauntingly beautiful than you remembered.  You started to cry again, because somehow it was this show of disturbed affection that made you more sure than ever that you weren’t going to get out of here.

“Don’t be scared,” he soothed, moving closer again and wiping the tears from your face gently.  “It’s gonna be alright.”

“Please let me go,” you whispered shakily, looking back at him, straight into his eyes, as if maybe you could find some sanity there to appeal to.

He frowned a little as he pulled back, bringing his thumb to his lips to chew the nail nervously as he thought.  “See, here’s the thing…”

“Bucky, please—”

“I don’t think I can do that,” he sighed.

“Please,” you cried, the word starting to lose all meaning as you just fought to be able to speak past the force of your sobs, “please, please—”

“You could tell somebody— and I know it wasn’t me, but the police aren’t gonna care about that.  I always have to take the heat for what he does… and I would just rather not go to prison.”

“I won’t, Bucky,” you feverishly defended, “I wouldn’t tell, I swear— we’re friends!  Friends don’t tell on each other—”

He interrupted you as he grabbed you by your shirt suddenly, pulling you towards him as you recoiled.  “I don’t have friends,” he growled.

“We… we could be friends,” you offered weakly.  “I could be your friend.  Do you… do you want to be my friend?”

He studied your face, the gaze of his bright blue eyes burning through you instantly.  “I can’t say that I do.”

You whimpered as he leaned in closer, taking a deep breath right against the side of your face.

“You smell so good,” he whispered, his left hand— bionic metal, much to your horror— reaching up to trace over your face and hold you close to him.  “We aren’t friends, silly; we’re soulmates.”

You shivered, gut sinking as you closed your eyes and thought there might still be a chance it was all a horrible dream.  This isn’t happening to me, this isn’t happening to me, this can’t be happening to me—

“Hey!” he yelled, slapping you on the face suddenly.  “Keep your eyes open!”

You cried but tried to do as he asked, knowing it would only be so much worse if you didn’t do whatever he wanted.

“The point is, even if you didn’t tell, letting you go just isn’t… economical for me,” he explained.  “‘Cause the truth is, even though I didn’t want to kidnap you, right now I wanna… I wanna keep you.”

He didn’t even let you start crying hard again before he cradled your face in his hands, refusing to let you turn away.

“No, baby, it’s okay— it’s gonna be good!” he promised.  “I would never do anything to hurt you.”

“Please, Bucky, don’t do this,” you sobbed.

“Shh, shh, don’t you get it?  He did this to help me— he knew I couldn’t do it alone, ‘cause I was too afraid to talk to you, but he brought you to me, and now I’m gonna make you understand how good we are for each other.”

He scooted closer, his hands rubbing your legs through your jeans as you cried silently.

“And that’s why he didn’t touch you,” he continued.  “He just left you for me, cause he knows you’re— you’re mine.”

He kissed you suddenly, and it was awkward and sloppy against your unwilling lips.  His tongue eventually managed to force your mouth open, exploring and filling it as you struggled and failed to turn away.  His hand on your jaw was almost tight enough to choke you, a looming threat of what awaited if you didn’t kiss him back.  You couldn’t exactly put much passion into it but you tried your best.

He was smiling when he leaned back and broke away from you, still holding your face and seeming almost proud— of you or himself, you weren’t sure.

“You are so perfect,” he praised quietly.  “I can’t believe I finally have you… god, it’s like a dream come true.”

Or a nightmare, you responded internally.

You jumped when he pulled the knife out from a holster on his belt.

“Oh, this?  I won’t hurt you with it— so long as you stay still,” he explained gently as he leaned forward and started to cut off your shirt while you tried desperately not to shake.  

He looked at you with the reverence of a man at the altar as he tore the shreds of your clothes away, cutting slowly until you were just in your bra and panties.

"Stop," you whispered, but it was so quiet he must not have heard you— or he just didn't care.  He gingerly slipped the knife between your bra and your chest, tugging out to snap it off.  

He took a breath to steady himself; he seemed nearly as nervous as you, just in an entirely different way.

"Baby," he mumbled under his breath, "god, I just wanna do everything to you."

It was hard not to tense up when he said that, or when he brought the knife between your legs to cut off your underwear, but you willed yourself not to shiver because you really weren't ready to lose anything important if his hand slipped.

With them cut and tossed aside, you forced your eyes shut— because you couldn't stop him from seeing you, but at least you didn't have to watch.  As your legs instinctively closed, he gently guided them back open, metal fingers cold on your skin but flesh ones unbearably warm.

“You have such a nice body, I don’t know why you hide it in those baggy clothes,” he chuckled as he ran his hands over your skin.  “I watched you shower a few times, you know, and I saw you look at yourself in the mirror before you got in…"

You opened your eyes, but he wasn't looking at your face, instead taking a long moment to take in everything else.

"You looked like you were disappointed," he continued, "but— but you’re beautiful, and you should know that.  You need somebody to tell you that.”

You felt your face heating up even though you should be horrified, not flattered.  To be fair, it was a bit of both.

“Do you think I’m, you know, handsome?” he asked awkwardly, glancing up to your face again.  “People used to say that about me, a long time ago.  Are you… attracted to me?”

You shook your head, lying.

“Then why are you so wet?” he sing-songed with a mocking grin, thick fingers spreading your lower lips and gathering the arousal they found there.  You whimpered when he brought those fingers to his lips and sucked them hungrily.  “Fuck, you taste incredible— I mean, I knew you would, but wow, this is so much better than just smelling those panties he stole.”

You shivered with disgust, realizing that he was responsible for the pair you thought were lost in the laundry.  

“Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that,” he laughed.  “Yeah, it was his idea and all, I didn’t do anything but… I’ll tell you a little secret,” he smirked as he leaned in, right against your ear, whispering: “I got off with them, and on them, and it felt soooo good…”

He quickly pulled his cock out of his trousers as you started to struggle against the chains again, getting a quick glimpse before looking away as you wondered how he could possibly fit that in you.

“Do you like knowing that?  Do you like knowing I stroked my cock and thought about you?  I imagined you were laying under me, begging me to fuck you… and now you’re here, and it’s real, and it’s gonna be wonderful.”

You gasped as he suddenly pushed in, trying not to react but knowing he was watching your face intently and saw it all.  “Fuck, baby,” he breathed, “you’re so tight, god, I knew you’d be perfect…”

You cried as he started moving inside you, holding your hips steady and filling you completely until it actually hurt to be stretched so wide.  You were sure nothing had ever been so deep inside you, and it was making your whole body jolt with each thrust.

“Does it feel good?  Do you like my cock in you?” he asked— but it didn’t sound like dirty talk, it sounded like he was genuinely asking.

You shook your head, lying again.

“What if I do this?” he offered, reaching down and circling a calloused thumb over your clit.  Your back arched into his touch, and he grinned proudly.  “See, doesn’t that make it better?  I bet I can make you come.”

One final lie for the night, you shook your head.

"Oh, doll," he soothed, kissing away a tear that had trailed down your cheek, "it's okay… it's okay to like it.  You don't need to pretend."

He reached down and pressed his hand into your lower belly, making you winced as he applied pressure until it took everything you had not to scream.

"Feel that?" he cooed.  "I can feel it.  We're finally together, baby, you never have to be alone again… isn't it incredible?"

Sobbing, your back began to arch up against the wall you were chained to.  With his hand pushing on you, it was impossible to ignore the head of his cock slamming into your g-spot— hard enough that your entire body shook with each thrust.  It was unlike anything you’d ever experienced before, and not just because you’d never been kidnapped before.  As he leaned down to suck on your neck hard enough to leave a mark, it was hard not to feel like he was claiming every part of your body all at once.  You bit down on your lip, afraid to moan too loud, but he heard the muffled noises and pulled up to tut at you disapprovingly.

“Don’t do that,” he frowned, “I wanna hear everything, pretty girl.  I wanna hear you beg for me.”

You whined as you tried to resist it, but getting railed like this made you want to do whatever he told you to.

“Come on, baby,” he encouraged sweetly, “just let go, I know you want to…”

It was bubbling up in your chest faster than you could stop it, each cry louder than the last until you couldn’t hold back anymore.  “Bucky!” you shrieked, hating yourself as you heard him laugh happily right by your ear.

“Oh I know, I’m right here, doll,” he soothed gently, holding you tightly; your hands wiggled inside their shackles, and you shamefully realized that you were craving to wrap your arms around him, run your fingers through his hair.  The desire to push him away was lost to the need to reach your peak.  “Say my name just like that when you come on my cock, sweetheart.”

Your walls were already convulsing and you were moaning so loud you thought you might lose your voice.  Pleasure built up faster than you could comprehend, and so intensely that little black dots were dancing on your vision.  

Oh god yes, right there, don’t stop, yes, you would’ve cried out were it anyone else doing this to you.  Instead all you could do was whimper his name, somewhere between begging for more and begging for mercy.

“Fuck, fuckfuckfuck, I can feel you coming for me— you’re so good, so fucking good,” he groaned, “I’m close already, can you believe it?  I should slow down, so I can make you come again, but you feel too good, I can’t stop.”

Most of that was lost to you, though, because everything had gone numb and fuzzy in the wake of your orgasm, your body limp in his grasp.  The way he pulled your hips into his made you feel used, like a— well, like a doll, fittingly.

“Oh god, babygirl— can I come inside?” he asked gently, but when you weakly shook your head, he just smiled.  “It’s gonna feel so good to fill you up.”

Before you could make it clear that you were saying no, he leaned forward and kissed you— aggressive and rough as he started to breathe deeply and moan against you.  You kicked your legs to try to get him away but all you could do was uselessly scrape your feet against the floor.  You could feel him pulsing inside you, growling against your lips until suddenly warmth began to paint your walls.  Whimpering, you slouched limply as the fight left you.  

“Oh my god, angel,” he sighed, pulling back and smiling as he traced his thumb over your face, following the path of a fresh tear, “that was… you’re incredible.  I’ve never come like that, you feel so fucking amazing.”

He kissed you again, gentler and slower than before.  

“Is it weird that I don’t wanna pull out?” he asked just louder than a whisper, chuckling as his nose brushed against yours.  It was like this guy thought he was in a Hallmark Christmas movie while you were in a Lifetime thriller.  “I could just stay inside you forever… but I won’t.”

He watched in awe as his hips pulled back and his softening cock slipped out of you.  Your face burned with shame as you felt a gush of his come (and yours) leak from you.  

“Wow, look at that,” he mumbled weakly.  “Can you push it out, baby?  I wanna see how good I filled this pretty pussy.”

It made you feel disgusting, but you summoned the last of your strength to do as he asked, unable to see the results but watching him stare between your legs and bite his lip.  

“Fuck, babygirl, that’s… that’s fucking gorgeous.  I stretched you out pretty good, and you’re all swollen…”

Strange enough, he pulled you into a hug, burying his face in the crook of your neck.

“You’re so perfect, sweetheart… my pretty little doll.”  When he pulled back a bit, he moved a stray hair that had stuck to the sheen of sweat on your face, admiring you with a small smile.  “God, I can’t believe you’re finally all mine.  Guess he was lookin’ out for me, bringing you here.  I oughta thank him, somehow.”

He must have known what you were imagining by the way you tensed up, and he laughed softly.

“Don’t worry, baby, I won’t let him touch you.  I won’t let anyone touch you but me.  Now let’s get you out of these chains and into a hot bath, how’s that sound?”

Weakly nodding, you let your eyes fall shut as he reached up to unlock the metal cuffs around your wrists.  Holding your hands in his, he softly kissed the marks left there from when you’d still been fighting, before finally scooping you up into his arms.  He didn’t struggle at all to lift you, and you were too exhausted to notice the way you were leaning into his chest as you dozed off.

You dreamt that you were looking out over still water, contemplative but determined, before falling right in.