#'no one will ever have to know' i say to myself knowing full well i can't keep my mouth shut when i get the chance to babble about them | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

rasairui · 2 days ago

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Idk I just have no patience for trans men/masculine people who refuse to acknowledge transmisogyny. Like. The worst experience I ever had with transphobia was when I was mistaken for a trans women. In a culinary program, I was cutting bell peppers, and one of the other students, a really big dude in a student leadership position, walks in and accusatory goes "so are you trying to be a woman, or something?" And I'm like. Well I'm trying to small dice these peppers. And I tell him I'm not a she and he says something to the effect of "Yeah I know that much." He makes some comment abt how whatever I'm doing doesn't make sense and he doesn't get it and when I tell him he doesn't have to, that he just has to respect it, he says "I don't have to do shit!" And gets real mad! Like actual threats mad! Tells me he could bash my skull in and to meet him outside for a fight and yeah it was fucking scary! The entire interaction I'm reminding myself that I'm the one currently holding a knife, if he tries anything.

Fast forward a few days later and my period is kicking my ass. Just absolutely destroying me. I'm in the dish pit, and I am visibly struggling, I'm nauseous, I'm in pain and bracing myself against walls. I'm not walking straight. And the same student leadership guy who was so aggressive with me when he thought I was transfem?

He tells me I look like I'm going to pass out. He says it's obvious I'm in pain, I shouldn't be in class, I can go sit down and if nobody can replace me he'll do the dishes himself.

Like. Do you get it yet. It's not just that he felt comfortable openly threatening me in a room full of other people when he thought I was a trans woman. It's that he did a complete 180 and was not only willing to support me, but actually pick up my slack once he knew I wasn't "that kind" of transgender. As soon as one of our classmates confirmed to him that I wasn't the wrong type of trans person I suddenly became someone who actually deserved care and compassion in his eyes. The "bigots think we're all the same and hate all of is equally" rhetoric isn't fucking true. It's just peddled to deny the privilege we have over other members of our community so it's easier to ignore how inhospitable supposedly trans-centric spaces are for TMA people.

#transmisogyny #everyone says solidarity but actual solidarity requires acknowledging intercommunity issues. A lot of you would rather die it seems

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elsa-fogen · 2 days ago

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Yep. Yeah. That's me. Almost all of it, except, i sleep well (if i manage to fall asleep) Reblogging because maybe some of you didn't know (i also didn't know)

Story time!

Too long don't read: used to sleep on private math lessons because i hate math; it takes hours for me to fall asleep WHEN I SUPPOSED TO, and my sister does it in 3-5 minutes.

I was studying at university and we had MATH there I've always had problems with it. since 5th grade i think (well, i hated math before too but real problems started there) when i changed schools and the new class was behind what I've already studied and i didn't pay attention, until i realized that at some point I was behind. I said "welp, i guess it's to late to try, so fuck it"

So at university we had this very high level math and i just couldn't understand a thing (and we had an awful teacher who was saying evvvvery time something like "yall getting expelled, we're all gonna die") so i decided "if i don't understand, fuck it then, i will not even try" and started skipping math classes.

But i STILL had to pass an exam, we were getting 3 tries and if you fail you're getting expelled. I failed first two what a surprise (i don't know how i managed to pass it after all, i can't remember SHIT, only that i is fucking non-existing number which is square root of -1. Why on earth would you need it i have NO fucking clue.

So i had personal teachers who tried to make me understand at least something to pass the exam. And there was one i remember very well, i even remember that we paid her 10$ per hour (for us that was quite a lot). And i remember her because i was SLEEPING. I just COULDN'T keep my eyes opened. She explains something about deviding by zero and my brain draws the fucking universe collapsing in front of my eyes. She gives me some task, I'm trying to write something and I'm falling asleep and DREAMING about writing, then ahe wakes me up and i see that i didn't write SHIT. It all ended when in the middle of lesson she just kicked me out.

And, what a miracle, I'm leaving her apartments and suddenly, all the sleepiness just wanishes! I'm walking home, thinking about some another AU of mine, roleplaying it with myself in my head, full of energy again.

That's not the only case of this, but it's the strongest i ever felt. But that like happens all the time, EVEN WHEN MY MOM OR MY GRANNY COMES TO ME AND START TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING I'M NOT INTERESTED, IM YAWNING AND FEEL URGE TO FALL ASLEEP. But the moment they leave, It goes away! I was calling it work allergy LMAO

I was diagnosed with adhd in my early childhood (there was also something about epilepsy, but it's ok now so it doesn't matter), not long ago i brought this fact back into my active memory (thanks to Jaiden animations ADHD video for that xD) i kinda used to myself by now and now I'm trying to catch and analyse all moments of adhd kicking in. I know my own tricks and buttons, how to make myself do the thing or just how to force myself into doing something. Because i know if i start, I'll probably lock in and won't get up until it's done (well, if i have at least a tiny bit of interest in that thing, or else i won't), and i hate it when someone interrupts me in the middle of the process. No mom, i can't come right now, i can't finish it later, because i either spend few more hours forcing myself to go back to the task or just forget about it.

But i didn't know that this sleepiness was a legit symptom! I just thought that it's exaderated boredom, that's it, had a joke name for it. That's... Funny to know that this thing is actually also adhd moment.

Also, about sleeping. I have problems falling asleep. I may lie in the bed for hours without even my phone, just rotating my stories in my head, and when i don't have a story to think about, this is just the name of my current hyperfixation with different tones and in different random dialogues that doesn't even make sense. I have no idea how to fall asleep, except when i didn't sleep for like 48 hours (EVEN THEN IT MIGHT BE A PROBLEM AND I START THINKING OF THAT CREEPY PRION SICKNESS AND SCARE MYSELF AGAIN). And my mom told me that it have always been like that with me. She and my dad had the whole ritual to make me fall asleep. Dad would hold me in his arms, his head with me covered with a blanket that i could only see his face (or else I would look everywhere and never fall asleep), and rock me for HOURS while i was SCREAMING and CRYING the whole time like i was tortured. But when I'd finally fall asleep, they could be as loud as usual and didn't have to whisper, because wake me up is a whole different story. And my mom was SHOCKED when all it took to make my sister fall asleep was just pet her back for 3-5 minutes.

I don't think of myself as... Sick or ill. That's how i was all my life, i don't know anything else. That's not a sickness to me, that's just part of my personality. Maybe sometimes some parts of it bite me in the ass and make my life harder, but i don't know other life. That's the only one I've got, and i guess I'm fine with that (tho now that i think about it, i need to pay more attention to how i write the characters, and don't make them all ADHDshers LOL i need to study neurotypical people under a microscope 🔬🔍)

bro im gonna CRY i didnt know this 🥺

#reblog #adhd #adhd things #adhd story #text post #storytime with elsa

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thebirdandhersong · 1 month ago

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Lol

#theres nothing quite like your mother saying Well maybe you shouldve been more careful because now your boss might think youve been flirting #with this male coworker (whom i like splendidly as a friend) and now maybe she thinks youre not trustworthy #and maybe she regrets hiring you because you said you feel like youre making a lot of mistakes this week and she might assume thats because #your head is filled with this boy.#so dont make her regret hiring you.#MA'AM I TOLD YOU I WAS ALREADY ANXIOUS BECAUSE I MADE SO MANY MISTAKES TODAY WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME ASHAMED #OF SOMETHING THAT I HONESTLY HAD NO CLUE I OUGHT TO BE ANXIOUS ABOUT AT MY FIRST NEW JOB AFTER IVE GRADUATED????#anyway going to bed i cant take this anymore LOL she said it so lightly and im like. well i never even considered #being afraid of making my boss regret hiring me somehow because of some kind of behaviour that i had no idea was sending some kind of signal #anywaysssss 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#and then she was like why are you crying?? 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀#not to be like this is partly why i didnt want to move home but confound it all why are things like this #can i not simply confide in my mother my anxieties and worriws #worries #and not also have to worry about her potentially being like Well have you considered you ARE right and it IS your fault?#idk man something something firstborn child eldest daughter can i have some room to breathe. please #also not to whine but Not my father walking in on me eating dinner at 10pm because i was holed up #in my room in a semi depressive state after so many gong shows in a work day and straight up having no appetite #but deciding my body needs the food anyway its better late than never.....walking in and then saying #you know if you eat this late you'll gain weight. SIR??????????????????#sorry to complain and rant again i simply cannot in this house and whats more am doing my best to honour my parents #but why is it so hard out here and how can they say stuff like that with a smile!!!!!!!#also i DO have an inner critic who is always like Its your fault you are the worst you should be ashamed always........why do my parents #not understand after knowing me for so long and watching me grow up #that i can make myself so ashamed of the smallest thing so easily and that what they say drives me to shame almost as easily?#ANYWAY LOL WHAT A DAY #you guys!!! i am working so hard i promise i PROMISE I am!!! it is my first full time job ever and i am working so so hard #i am doing my absolute best and no one sees it and that is FINE i just wish my parents would see that i AM trying!!#i come back home so dead every single day because i put in 120%! this is literally my first job after graduation #and my parents KNOW this has been the most exhausting taxing and soul crushing year ive had in my very short life so far

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collway · 2 days ago

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Alright buddy, buckle up. This is my love letter to you because we made it to the one year mark.

Replying to this post last year was an impulse, and I honestly never thought we'd make it this far. And yet, here we are. I'm so incredibly thankful for that one fanfic that brought you on my path. You're a wonderful man, and it's an honor to be able to be speaking with you so often. You grew a lot this past year, and what started as a friendship simply for speaking about Gwen characters took a turn in the most delightful way. We may not agree on everything, and have very different lives, but know I mean it when I say you're the best friend I have ever made.

How come? I love you selfishly. You are the sweetest man I have ever came across. You are honest, clever, full of compassion, and you are a fighter. I am so, so very proud of you, Lou.I want you to be happy like you make me happy.I want you to thrive, grow old, and blossom into the amazing person I know you can be. Maybe I don't always find your actions rational or right, but it doesn't matter. I'll follow you down to Hell if it means you'll be safe and loved. I love you, Louie. You're perfect just the way you are, and every time you grow you only show me how human you are. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for allowing me to support you, to get an insight in your bright mind, to let me be the ear you need when things are bad or you just want to talk about your interest. I appreciate what you do for me as well because you are nothing short of generous either. I thank you for letting me be myself with you, my very authentic and unfiltered, sometimes rude and often frightened, self. You're not my rock - you get emotional with me, and you help me a lot more than by just being "my anchor." You make me become a better person for myself, and just for myself. I will continue to be selfish; you are my little brother whether you like it, or not. It's wonderful being close to you, but know that even if someday we don't speak anymore, I will still be rooting for you. I'll always be in your corner, no matter what. Distance is inconvenient, and I hate that I can't hold you, spend time with you like I wish I could, but we both know I would catch that flight if you were in a dangerous situation. I know you would do the same. Thank you for being as genuine and open with me, as I am with you, my boy.

Je ne peux pas concevoir ma vie sans ton intervention. Même quand j'ai touché le fond, même après avoir été une personne abjecte envers toi, tu es resté. Encore mieux, tu m'en as parlé et tu m'as laissé l'opportunité de faire mieux. En toute autre circonstance, je t'aurais probablement dit que c'était une énorme erreur… Mais tu n'as jamais eu besoin de mon jugement. Tu sais faire la différence entre une décision émotive et une décision impulsive et insensée. Merci Louie, merci d'être l'ami dont j'avais besoin et non l'ami que je voulais. Happy one year, my clever boy. It doesn't matter if you change as we grow - I'll still love you no matter what.

I WANT FRIENDS WITH THE SAME INTERESTS AS ME, BUT ALL THE PEOPLE ON THIS FUCKING APP ARE CREEPY ADULTS OR HAVE A MDI ON THEIR BIO(I totally understand the second, but c'mon, I want friends) I am on the verge of tears, I just want mutual friends

#personal #you used my favorite heart I see you big sentimental baby #I love you so much #my platonic soulmate dare I say

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orcelito · 9 months ago

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As for my post this morning. If anyone was worried. Me personally I'm okay (I guess) but my dad's in the hospital and things r still very up in the air. So.

#speculation nation #bracing myself for the possibility of Major Grief.....2!!!!#well actualy more like 3 or 4 or 5 (lol lol lol)#but likely the worst one bc it's. my dad. that's my dad.#i left work early to visit him at the hospital. hes stable rn at least (he wasnt this morning)#he wasnt conscious though. and i really really hope he ends up okay #but. i still saw my dad unconscious in a hospital bed hooked up to like a million tubes and #thats my dad. Thats my Dad.#im really trying to not do my processing until after i know for sure how things are gonna go #dont wanna start grieving until after he's officially gone #so im trying not to think about it. but it's still... yeah. unpleasant.#and theres a part of me thats so so resentful. if i have to have a dead parent why would it be the Good one?#take my fucking mom instead. hell my life would even be BETTER without her. horrible as that is to say.#but it's my dad. he's not perfect. he has his flaws. but he's still tried in a way she never ever did.#seeing him like that makes me feel so... small. makes me remember being picked up by him.#makes me remember riding on the back of his harley as a tiny little 10 year old with a helmet that was giant on me #we'll hope for the best. we'll hope for a recovery. even if not a full recovery. i just want to have my dad.#sorry. this is probably too real for my tumblr dot com. it's just been... a lot today.#negative/#death/#hospitals ment/#idfk. sorry

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roaringroa · 2 months ago

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they should make a life where you don't have appointments, work, school and scheduled events every single day for months on end

#i just wanna spend like 2 full days rotting in bed is that too much to ask #december i'm going on a vacation with family + gf and we're trying to schedule a lunch/dinner so that we can go over the itinerery #and other stuff like my gf is diabetic so she's going to tell everyone the procedures in case of an emergency etc #and the soonest i'm available for that is oct 20th like bruh #every week day i've got classes 7:30-11:50 work 13:00-17:00 and then gym therapy or futsal practice at night #oh and sometimes the professor that i'm the student assistant (? monitor in pt) for wants me to go to her night classes #and then on weekends i've got futsal practice sat morning usually a match either saturday or sunday legal advice clinic 4x a semester #and then birthdays friend group meetups (with ppl i haven't properly seen in a WHILE so i don't wanna bail) family stuff or gf's family stu #oh and i take care of the finances of our futsal team so there's that as well #and then when i'm free i spend my time with my love (who i mostly see on either day of the weekend and sometimes for dinner on weekdays)#those are my favorite “appointments” i love spending time with her so much but even though we have quite a few staying in dates we also #pretty frequently go out to cafes restaurants parks meet up with mutual friends etc #so like... no bed rotting ever adfdsal #honestly i am not THAT busy compared to some ppl that i know #like i work from home most days of the week commute only 20 min to college am not a part of any study group etc etc #but man... that vyvense sure is working cause i do not think i would be able to do what i do now when my adhd was unmedicated #also i'm thinking of maybe getting a new internship next year cause even though i love my current one it's in public law which atm #is the field i'm thinking of getting into after school but getting into private law in brazil with only public law uni experience is #incredibly difficult. so i wanna be 100% sure i actually want public law. which means experiencing private law.#which means a private law internship #so i'm wondering how the fuck imma be able to pull that off next year #at least it pays much more than my current one! like probably double!#but honestly even with all the shit that i do and wishing i had more time for myself i've actually been so happy lately #i'm learning more at uni than i used to be able to i do pretty well at my internship i've got wonderful friends both old and new #my family is well and we get along like always i switched positions in futsal and am doing suprisingly good as a goalkeeper #and i'm in my first ever relationship. it's been almost 8 months till we made it official and it blows me away how good it's been #like we haven't faught once. disagreed on a couple things sure. but not a single fight and tbh even disagreements are very rare #idk we communicate and give each other grace and i just feel so loved. she knows me so well. i love her so so so so much.#like man just this saturday we were having an early dinner at a bakery. she stopped what she was saying and just stared at me smiling #and like i couldn't hold eye contact. cause she's so so fucking beautiful and she was looking at me with so much love and i had to look awa

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floral-hex · 10 months ago

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Just canceled all of my future therapy appointments. Big fudgin’ bummer. Did I mention I lost my insurance? Didn’t even find out about that until the day it lapsed. Trying to find a way to fix it now, reapplying and whatnot, but ya know, it’s bureaucracy so who knows how long it’ll take. Just fingers crossed I don’t run out of meds first.

lol it’s underwater 🐠

#ugggghhhhh so sad #like genuinely I think my therapist rocks #he’s the best one I’ve ever had. nice and cool but no BS and just harsh enough to push me #I feel like such a baby for saying it but literally the number one thing I’ve wanted these last few weeks was to go to therapy #I had to skip my last appointment so I haven’t seen him in weeks #between my mom’s organ transplant and driving back and forth to see her everyday and taking care of my bros aaand super suicidal birthday #I’m just… I’m tired. I want to vent. I just want to spill my guts for an hour and maybe cry a lot #and I can’t do that with anyone else. I know that’s dumb to say #I 100% can’t complain to my family because ya know I gotta be strong and they don’t need me being a burden #and I love my mutuals but I don’t know any of you anywhere well enough to feel comfortable venting #I mean. y’all can vent to me all day. I’ll gladly listen to you talk about yourselves. I’m here for it. I just can’t do it myself 😕#I’m so tired and anxious and I don’t want to really get into the self harm talk but I’ve had some serious self destructive thoughts lately #I don’t know what I’m going to do #I have to believe it’ll get better #because if I don’t believe that then… what’s the point?#also.. I’m really fucking lonely. just to throw that out there. if you can’t tell by my reblogs.#I am like desperately and ravenously lonely and full of longing #and you add that to everything else it’s just the sad little cherry on top…#now I want an ice cream sundae… mmmm….#I need 1000 hugs and to sit with someone and maybe get fucked up and complain and sit in silence and and and blegh #but that’s life. it’ll be… it’ll be whatever it is.#sorry. this is a bit too heavy for this time of morning #I’ve been sick. really bad vertigo and vomiting and I’m just wiped out and sad #but I love you stranger or at least I like you enough to be okay with you reading this #okay be safe #goodbye forever #text

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arolesbianism · 5 months ago

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Ok yeah I’m a little obsessed with them

#keese draws #oxygen not included #jackie stern #olivia broussard #I’m experiencing joy and whimsy allow me to be cringe for a time #anyways ferret jackie snuggling with her tail is my favorite image now #and olivia eating pecha berry is my second favorite look at her #if I’m the only one making fanart of these two I must train myself to go insane over my own art it’s for my own survival #even if I don’t have the motivation to make a full drawing rn #plus it’s good practice for me to get better at sketching sketching is usually big biggest roadblock to making the pieces I wanna make #anyways I was nowhere near consistent with sizes here but I like to imagine that olivia is significantly smaller than jackie #jackie is very large by furret standards and olivia is very small by bibarel standards #again didn’t draw that well here since I was being lazy with jackie but just imagine I did draw it well #honestly it’s going to be a miracle if I ever get around to designing anyone else in this au I have favorites #plus some of the ideas I have are going to be. annoying to excecute to put it mildly #it’s my own fault no one is forcing me to make ada an aegislash but I’m going to complain abt it anyways #although tbh liam as a panpour is probably going to be harder for me since at least I have a silhouette in my head for ada #and then there’s yanma ari and kabuto hassan who are deceptively easy sounding #as in my gut says oh yeah that’s easy but my brain says oh this is going to be hell #otto as flaaffy is another one that Should be easy but I know it’ll be hell since I have no ideas for their shapes #and I’m never drawing mi-ma since for some ungodly reason my brain decided to cling to making her metagross #and then my only other idea as of now is galvantula ellie but I’m not set in stone on that one #honestly if anyone has suggestions for the other scientists feel free to shoot them at me #or just wants to share what they’d make any of them even if it’s the guys I’ve already decided on I’m still not set on some of them and #it’s fun hearing other ppls ideas #real sad thing for me is that this is probably going to be pmd au number 2000 without any good zorua candidates 😔#nails comes close but the shapes man the shapes don’t call to me #also color pallet would be hell I’m sorry bestie but your hair is such an ugly color #ohhhh wait what if I made them a trubbish…. that could work honestly #I’ll also totally need to make someone a vanilite as the worlds number one vanilite defender

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youremyonlyhope · 4 months ago

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Not me legitimately looking up flights to Ireland for a last minute near-mental-breakdown solotrip...

#i don't even know why i feel like i'm about to have a mental breakdown but yeah I feel like i'm gonna have one lol #so why not have it by literally running away for a couple days to ireland #i say as if i've ever taken a plane by myself and didn't only just got over most of my flying fears less than 2 years ago #and haven't only ridden a total of 7 flights in my entire life #and have a job providing me with disposable income #(though i do have plenty of savings but that's for paying the coop transfer fee for my late grandma's apartment)#(i haven't touched that amount in years because i needed it to stay. theoretically i could MAYBE spare a couple thousand)#(but i don't know the cost of the apt transfer and since i'm unemployed I don't know when i'd be able to recoup it)#(also i've applied to a billion jobs that could theoretically reach out to me at any time so that's another drawback)#i'm in a month-ish long break from therapy and it's not even been a week and i'm already on the verge of a meltdown this is great #well. kind of fitting. when i started with my most recent therapist i literally said in my first meeting #'i don't know what i'm doing with my life. i might run away to new zealand' and now when i meet my new one #it'll either be 'i'm 3 seconds away from booking a last minute trip to ireland' or 'got back from a last minute trip to ireland'#at least i'm consistent in my need to run away from my life without either therapy and/or a full time job to ground me

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malachitezmeyka · 9 months ago

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It's that "spend hours sobbing my eyes out in bed for several reasons, including but not limited to the fact tomorrow is Monday, the fact my social battery has been completely drained and won't recover anytime soon, the fact my landlady is due to show up tomorrow evening and will likely piss me off again, the fact I've had the urge to write since Friday and ended up not writing even a single fucking word, the fact exam pressure keeps rising and I still don't know what to do with my life after I'm done with school, and the fact I'm both completely overwhelmed and so terribly lonely at the same time" kind of Sunday evenings

#I'm so fucking exhausted. both mentally and emotionally #I spent the night at my grandma's and then my friend came over and spent the night the following day #and I don't count it as a day off unless I don't go anywhere or see anyone #so you could say I didn't really have a weekend #idk how I'll go to school tomorrow. I think even one person talking to me would make me fucking explode #and yet. despite all that. I feel completely alone #because no one I know irl can provide me with the comfort I so desperately need #spending time with people is all a big distraction from my depressive thoughts #and the second everyone leaves.. I feel more alone than ever. so completely and utterly lonely #I try to fill the void with my imagination. lose myself in my oc verse. and it helps sometimes #but when I'm not feeling particularly inspired or can't some up with anything good... I just end up feeling worse than I did before #everything I do is to distract myself from my mind because the second I'm left alone with my thoughts..#they go to a very dark place very quickly #like now. when my wrists itch and I can't stop crying and know full well that I'll go to bed in a few hours wishing to never wake up #and I'm left with nothing but a gaping hole in my chest. aching for arms to fall into and a shoulder to cry on #despite knowing it's not something I'll ever have #so I grit my teeth and bear it and hold on. for whatever reason #I don't know why I haven't give up yet. it's all arbitrary reasons like 'my friends would be sad if I was gone'#even in matters like these all I end up worrying about is what other people would think. not my own feelings #well. nobody has anything to worry about concerning me anyway. I'm too much of a coward to do anything #if I wasn't I wouldn't have lived to see my 14th birthday #and yet 4 years later I'm still here. wishing for an instantaneous way out that didn't involve me raising a hand against myself #because I really don't know how long I'll be able to take all this for. I don't have much left in me #I'm holding on by a thread. one too close to snapping. I'm scared of how few reasons I can come up with to keep going #I don't see a future ahead of myself. no college or uni or job or relationship or anything that might be worth staying around for #any attempts to imagine what life would be like after graduation are just.. dark and bleak and empty #I haven't got a single clue what I'm going to end up doing. maybe that's why I see so little worth in trying to figure it out #nothing in this world will make me truly happy. I don't have a future #and if I don't have a future... I don't have any reasons to stick around any further #if only I wasn't so much of a coward

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sysig · 1 year ago

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Huh?? Whuh??? Okay (Patreon)

#Doodles #Scouting fanfics has been Interesting on my brain lol #I tried to pick out the ones I fixated on first with exception of Vargas 'cause well - y'know lol #Someday 😔😢✨#But that still left me with a solid handful!#I'm trying to print them in increasing order - get the little guys out of the way once I'm satisfied with the process #And then work my way up so as to not Immediately overwhelm myself or my printer #And Helix happened to be the shortest among the fixation fics lol - what happens when I revisit a fixation? Correct!#Now granted it's only been since 2021 that I fixated on it - which is actually double funny to me since I was going back through my backlog #And I found some doodles of Max and Dex from 2019 - before I ever drew ZEX! - but I just never finished them lol #Very funny to me that I drew them first but then went in hard on ZEX and then SCII in general and /then/ circled back around lol #I know they weren't my in but dang what a quick turnaround in both directions lol #Well anyway the point is I love them and I love Helix <3 #Jump to Japanese! While ''rereading'' my Japanese KoiBo volumes I'll occasionally pause and see if I can actually read something #I have a very loose grasp on Hiragana at this point - needta get back into practice to refresh - but context clues are my friends!#I think it's cute how Souichi just says ohayou but Morinaga says the full ohayou gozaimasu hehe <3 #It's not so much that Morinaga speaks politely (although he does) but that Souichi speaks casually/disrespectfully! I love him <3 <3 #I do get mixed up between su and tsu quite a lot - I know they don't look similar but I use a pneumonic for た (ta) that contradicts su :P #I'll get there! Every little step closer!#Last little guy was an at-the-time mystery pain in my guts! :0 I thought I ate something dodgy but it was acting weird for that #I think I've gotten it figured out by this point and the pain has gone away :D So who can complain!

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cutearose · 2 years ago

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okay but how do you ask for help when your childhood makes you feel guilty for needing help and the help that you need feels rude to ask for

#im really struggling to function rn and i finally accepted that i wont make it to my appt without help #so i posted on my snap story asking if anyone could come over for a few hours to help me get back on track #n. two people replied saying they cant but hope i find someone but no one else has replied at all #i knew the answer would probably be no bc no one has time to come all the way here to help me to do tasks i should be able to do alone #but idk i thought i might get some comfort or encouragement or something. just some acknowledgement #i wish i had a group chat or something where i could reach out to people. bc things like snap stories people are just flicking past #i NEED to change the kitty litter today i have no choice its unusable and needs changing but i just. how. i am so tired #i have a ridiculous amount of glasses n crockery specifically for when i struggle like this n yet im still almost completely out of them #bc i just. cant do the dishes. i dont even have to wash them they just need to go in the dishwasher n i Cant #my brain just completely shut down once i got back from the trip #especially bc i got a cold n i dont cope well being sick at all #but of course thats another reason i feel bad asking for help. bc my house is full of germs. n i dont want people to get sick bc of me #but i am running out of food and clean dishes and bench space and i just. cant do it alone rn #but i used up my asking capabilities posting on snap #posting on insta would prob get more people to see it but insta feels. much more public #i dont use my insta stories like ever so it feels like a Lot to post on it for this #n when i asked for support after my parents divorce i only got a couple responses anyway #n this is. not worth support. like its a problem of my own making? i went on the trip knowing it would be a Lot for me #i wasnt planning on getting sick And getting an infection which are both exhausting me a lot but thats not the point #idk im just beating myself up over here. idk how to ask for help esp bc i expect the answer to be no anyway #like who is gonna travel an hour+ to help their friend clean their kitchen and fill out paperwork. im 28 i should be able to do that stuff #these tags are getting very maudlin and mean to myself. sigh. i wish i didnt feel so guilty when i need help #i wish i felt like i was allowed to ask for and accept help #love that childhood and autistic trauma haha lmao #anyway. brains are annoying. and im struggling a lot.

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hagravenholm · 2 months ago

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#yeah.#basically I feel like I ruined my chance that I wanted. to be with the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with #without realizing it until almost a full year later #my friends keep saying to move on and there’s others out there it’s like you do not get it. how I feel? not even a capability in my mind #idk anymore. all I know is that I feel like every personal decision I’ve ever made has been a wrong one #and I hurt the one I loved the most so many times and it’s like well that’s what I get huh. this is what you get #it doesn’t change much I still wish you the best and I love you and and and I can never shut up. just don’t want to be feeling like this .#so. yeah good job. now you have no right to complain and feeling so selfish. I wish I could’ve been less selfish #I never wanted … this future for myself but here we are.#I just miss you so much. I really do. and I’m sorry.#you were the best thing to happen to me.

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our-inspire-verse · 4 months ago

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Just keeps going round and round eh?

#cocon rn deer and luci #just like the text at the top of my twitter says #but man its like. every single day “be more positive and see life as great as it is #stop lingering on the trauma and actually move your body and clean and eat and all will be okay“#but then its ALSO ALWAYS “well i AM a piece of shit and i can keep being positive which helps and do my best #but nothing will allow me to move forward from the fucked up things I've done or people ive hyrt #and I'll continue to hurt others ESPECIALLY the ones i care about so i should either isolate or make my entire life focus #around not hurting the ones i care about.protect them from me yaknow? anyway. i should never #ever be around anyone in a non-slave way again and i need to take up less space and probably die or something“#and its like. like i know. i know how it sounds i know what its from i know it in and out and worse before it gets better healing #and flare ups and triggers and thinking as a traumatized being that kindness is a mask for harm being added to our pile #i get that im dissociative and autistic and adhd and all this other shit including probably POTs or EDS.#but its like. i can't.shake. the idea. that maybe I've been a bad guy this whole time and my timeline has curved around #just WAITING for the dday i fuck it all up and it comes full circle and there really is no coming back #i feel. genuinely vile and bad and sorrowful #i cant hardly keep up with eating. sleeping makes me sore and i struggle with that too. i keep trying to keep myself awake during the day #and do things i need to do but i feel. burned.and sad. and exhausted. and i need to get a job #thank god taco bell emailed me back i might have croaked #system babbles #vent #negative #ignore me I'm trying to pull myself up again and im sore and frustrated #I'll be fine. i always end up fine.life. uh. finds a wAy as i always insist

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alphalesbian · 5 months ago

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Youll just be minding your own business when all of a sudden the inherant intimacy of solo instrumental music is realized upon you. Like youre just supposed to proceed normally after

#that being said the 'ill write an ep' to 'too much songs ill make it an album' pipeline extremely utterly too real. im in too deep #sexy and hilarious of me to be so committed to letting my first Big Serious Personal musical endeavour be such a Big Serious Personal thing #like my plan about it of course will probably keep changing but im like 99% sure of what i will do to a point #a lot of fully complete songs that i love!!!!! and a lot of unfinished projects n ideas recorded snippets things written down !!!!!!!#much to consider as always but the clarity ive been able to have with shaping it and working it has been. welcome #grateful to be attracting such spaces and people to be learning and relearning whats been in front of me lately #grateful to have the space and time i have to do what i do with it and myself #extremely grateful to be inspired in an otherwise negative at best time in my life above all else.#i needed that weird painful clarity to become inspired and know i want to actually do this i guess #as sure as ive ever been and now even just. reinforced not just by the space and the world around me but the people around me as well that:#make music how you want to and music you want to hear and make it at your own pace #i know i need to trust this process in full and honest faith i need to trust it like i have been to even get this far #and then some to make my thing and put it out and keep doing that musically really #of all the facets of my own and the time i have and resources to make things happen i know in my heart of hearts really that i could do it #forever and im a whole force when it comes to it all if i let myself go in it with no inhibition. shedding years and years of these negativ #ities purposefully and exclusively and thoroughly finally leaving some understanding in my soul i can even pridefully say is there #and with enough confidence in myself to know its something i will do forever and want to be a thing i put into the world always #and to do it how i want is.... exciting and the fruits of that labor excite me and i must say i cannot wait to be sharing this with everyon #cant wait to be sharing truly myself like i do with myself with every one i know could appreciate me like i want to be

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unknownmads · 11 months ago

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CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT INMATE TOJI AND CUTE LITTLE Y/N WHOS SO NAIVE TO BIG BAD TOJI

CW: Slight smut (mentions of his pp🤭)

☆☆☆

thinking about Prison toji who you met when your college has you do a little project in your criminal psychology class. The project was make a penpal get to know them ask why they are in prision, what their lives before was like, do they regret what they did etc. basic questions of course all you had to do was get the most information out of the penpal about their personal lives as you could.

Prison Toji who only signed up for the program because it was part of his latest court order saying he ��needed more understanding’ so a penpal would give him a friend while they stay safe😭 he ofc hated the idea and thought it was the dumbest shit ever. until he got his first letter, from you (duh).

Prison toji who got mail for the first time and it was a little white envelope with a cute little sticker sealing it. He deadpanned *is my penpal an idiot these letters are for a prison not a daycare* he silently judges examining every detail as he opened the letter. i read the letter taking in every little personal detail you shared with him, your cute little name, how you loved your cat, how you’re new to the city only just moving for school, of course the boring questions for him as well. But at the very end of the letter he noticed an extra little note.

Ps. i left a few photos of myself along with some of my cat! i think it’s only fair since i got to see your photo on the website

Prison toji who grabs the envelope he previously had thrown to the side and pulls out 3 polaroids. One of you and probably your cat you’re dragging it into the photo with a big grin on your face. the second is a photo of your face a soft smile on your lips meant for whoever took the photo but Toji couldn’t help but wonder if that little smile was for him. Until he pulls out the third photo it’s a full view of you, you’re out in the city dressed all out, and Toji couldn’t help but know you chose that photo just for him.

Prison Toji who can’t wait to finally get some alone time so he can truly appreciate your pretty photos. And immediately goes to write you back answering all your cute little questions. Telling you where he lived before, how he ended up there, telling you what he did for work before (Surprise he sold drugs😍), telling you what he does to occupy his time here (he works out he just wanted an excuse to tell you how strong he is), and he asks you some questions.

Prison Toji who has been relentlessly flirting with since you started writing to him, asking if you had a boyfriend, how your school was going, why you moved to the city, how a cute lil thing like you is still single. You had been writing each other for a few weeks now which is a lot less than you think when you know how long mail takes. But your letters to each other are long. answering every little thing each other asks, learning about one another more and more. You had really connected so you finally ask him the big question he read the words as clear as day.

~Do you think i could come pay you a visit? ~

Prison Toji who had to immediately write back answering the most important question first.

~ And doll, you can come visit me anytime id love to finally meet you and see your pretty face in person~

he wanted to be nonchalant.

Prison Toji who was sitting in bed looking at your photos when he was called

“Zenin, you’ve got a visitor. away from the door.”

Prison Toji silently followed standing on the other side of the cell while the guard came in to handcuff him and bring him to the visiting area. Once he was in the room his cuffs connecting him to the table he waited. until he heard the door open again. He felt his cock twitch in his pants as he saw the guard guide you in. You were wide eyed taking in the new environment until they landed on him.

Prison Toji was large, you knew he was tall and muscular thanks to his letters and photo but nothing could have prepared you for the real deal. Eyes widening even more when you fully take him in. seated At the grey metal table his hands on the table as the guard had told him to. his hair poking at his eyes which were staring drinking you in. his lip in a smirk helping you notice the scar on it which you couldn’t really see from the grainy prison photos. His shirt stretched against his muscles showing off a few tattoos hidden along his skin. the view making you squeeze your thighs together to release some of the pressure building.

Prison Toji who took in as much of you as he could as he watched you shuffle into your seat across from him, enjoying how you squirmed slightly within his gaze, his smirk growing into an almost full smile.

“hey doll it’s good to finally meet you.”

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