#“Don’t push me away.”

[sorrowful-hyacinth]

Whumpril 2023

Coincidence

Day 6: “Don’t push me away.”

Contents: TW blood, bruises, and burns, Caretaker, Whumpee, Signs Of Abuse, Stormy Weather, Reluctance To Accept Help, Fear, Begging, Whimpering.

+++

The clouds rolled in, dark and heavy. It took no time for the rain to start pouring on unsuspecting people who had been deceived by the clear skies mere minutes ago. The rain fell like pins and needles at rapid speeds. The wind was unmerciful to anyone without a windbreaker or even those with umbrellas.

“Fuck.”

Dolion ducked into the nearest alley way. The wind couldn’t reach him in between the brick buildings, except for the occasional channel that swept pass him. He got his phone out from his right pocket and called for a ride.

Soft crying could be heard just barely, practically carried by the wind. Dolion looked to his left, further down the alley way. He had only just noticed a crouched figure behind a dumpster. Should I help them? He took a few step towards the figure. His footsteps were louder than he would have liked them to be, no thanks to the expanding puddles that have almost engulfed the concrete. The closer he got, the more noticeable the crying became.

Not wanting to scare them, Dolion let out a light, “hey.”

The crying turned into whimpering, they’re legs pulled closer into themselves. Dolion came into view of the figure and was taken aback by the sight. The sniffling man was littered with bruises and fresh cuts that had dry blood washing away with the rain. They were sitting in a puddle dyed a faint red. It took him too long to notice the burn on their cheek, as if an iron was pressed to their face. They only had a t-shirt and shorts on, they shivered from both the rain and the fear.

“p-p-ple-se d-don’t h-h-hurt m… me.”

The man looked up with pleading eyes through his wet, matted hair. They were red and puffy. Dolion crouched in front of him. The man very noticeably flinched.

“I’m not going to hurt you. I-I want to help you. What happened to you?”

The man tucked his head into his legs, not wanting to answer. Dolion took his jacket off and threw it on top of the mans head and shoulders. The man quickly shoved Dolion to the ground. He tried to press himself impossibly further into the wall and curled back up into his ball, practically ignoring the jacket as if he hadn’t noticed it was on him.

Dolion, surprised by the reaction, simply got up to his crouched position again. He reached for the jacket so that he can readjust it. He anticipated the man’s movements this time. Dolion grabbed his arms before he could use them causing him to whimper.

“Don’t push me away.”

The man tried to tug his arms away from Dolion but he was clearly too weak to resist.

“I gave you my jacket, I want to help you. Please don’t be scared.”

The man stopped his struggling and took a moment to finally notice the jacket that had been covering his head. Dolion released his arms, but the man kept them in the air. Dolion reached for the jacket and adjusted its position so the rain wouldn’t hit the man’s face.

“Is that better?”

The man nodded, taking back his arms and tucking them away. “Th-thank y-you sir.” He still seemed tense, but clearly confused by the act of kindness.

Before Dolion spoke up, he heard a honk to his right. He looked over and saw his ride. He was happy to get out of the rain, but he didn’t want to leave this man here.

“How about we get you out of this storm?”

+++

Date: April 6, 2023

Taglist: @whumpril

[tsuchinokoroyale]

Happy new years… let’s stay hydrated together ✨

[aulerean]

Me, aimlessly scribbling

My brain, every time without fail: hey what if you drew Catra again remember when we used to draw Catra-

[honeypleasejustkillme]

i realize i will most likely never be loved the way i love and that i have always come second, third or fourth even tho i always make time to put people i care about first because i want the people in my life to feel loved in the same way that i so desperately want to be loved. just came to the realization that i will probably never ever get the love i truly want :,)

[blazingstar24]

And if I say that both Anakin and Thrawn suffered the same childhood trauma and it manifests in completely different ways that makes their dynamic very interesting, what then? The loss of a family member and how they reacted to it is crucial in their characters. It is the loss of Shmi that turns Anakin’s love into a possessive, obsessive, abandonment fearing mess. It is the loss of Vurika/Borika, that informs Thrawn’s view of himself and others as just assets to a larger cause.

Regardless if Anakin could or couldn’t have saved his mother if the council listened, Shmi’s death in his mind is framed as an event in that Anakin was too late, he wasn’t there. It is a loss that turns into this idea that if he doesn’t protect what he loves, someone or something will take it from him. We see this in the Rush Clovis arc, we see it in the way he immediately jumps to jealousy at Obi Wan in ROTS despite Obi Wan never having such a relation with Padme. For Anakin, loss is always framed as someone took something from me. Even platonically, we see this in the Rako Hardeen arc. And it is evident that this started after Shmi’s death because Anakin does not have the same sort of hatred for Maul who killed Quigon.

For Anakin, it will always be that someone took something from me, so I have to do something about that. And it’s why Palpatine can manipulate him so easily, because all Palps has to do is point at someone, give him a target to blame and say kill.

For Thrawn, yes it is slightly different as Borika isn’t dead. But it is a loss nevertheless. Thrawn on the flip side of Anakin, registers loss as something inevitable and thus why harbor deep attachments? Not to say he doesn’t care because we know he does. Thrass, Ar’alani, and Eli all speak to the fact that he does very much care and love. But in every instance, he does keep them at a distance, he pushes them away just as they get close. And it stems from Borika because the reason why he loses her is so she could serve the Ascendancy. It is not a choice she made and he knows this. And that informs why everything he does is for this goal, because all he knows is that everything, even things that caused him pain is supposed to be for this goal.

Where Anakin sought to justify the loss in blaming himself and then others, Thrawn justifies the loss by trying to give the pain purpose. If it meant something then he shouldn’t be upset. It is what it is. Yet, just like how Anakin’s possessiveness leads to his downfall by Palpatine, by pushing all his friends away instead of keeping them close, Thrawn leaves himself vulnerable and surrounded by his enemies instead. All those friends will serve the larger goal, the Ascendancy, but who is left looking to him?

Idk what I’m really trying to say other than yeah that’s some interesting character dynamics. The idea that both these characters are defined by loss as much as they are also defined by hope as their shining moments of good.

[stellewriites]

really fucking grinds my gears how my dad knows just how to make me feel fucking guilty for putting up boundaries and saying no

[wickjump]

i kinda want to live again

[michaelnotwheeler]

I need to sleep fr dawg

Anyway, I wish someone would do this for me

[gendernewtral]

i’ve never met a single disabled person who hasn’t had some sort of ableist experience with tsa and maybe that means we shouldn’t have it.

[bondagebimbo]

possible never mind on showing off my hair, my mood just tanked, BAD bad and I’m just.

yeah.

that’s about where I’m at.

[fluffypotatey]

*smashes in like the Kool-Aid man*

PENDRAGON SIBLINGS YOU SAY????

I have. So many Feels. About Themst™

The complexity?? The layers?? The angst?? Hello??????

Their relationship is just So Much, because you are right, it's all tangled up in miscommunication and missed opportunities, and so many problems that can be sourced back to Uther "War Crimes" Pendragon, who wouldn't know a healthy relationship if it bit him on the ass.

If Merlin and Arthur are two sides of the same coin, then Arthur and Morgana are edges of the same blade.

Because it's the lonely childhoods, the shared grief, the friendship, the vulnerability, the fondness, the teasing, the envy, the jealousy, the almost romance, the protectiveness, the betrayal, the loss, the hurt, the refusal to let go and the desperate hanging on, and the love, the love, the love.

Indifference is the true opposite of love.

Hate is love that's gone rotten.

“If Merlin and Arthur are two sides of the same coin, then Arthur and Morgana are edges of the same blade.” oh fuck….

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK

WAIT HOLD ON WAIT LEMME PIGGYBACK ON THAT BESTIE @0hheytherebigbadwolf (tagging you bc it will be a couple days after you sent this ask)

(Also, for anyone wanting background context on what me and bestie are bouncing off on: voilà)

OK OK SO

we are all familiar with King Uther being the greatest (worst) dad of all time, correct? places such high expectations on his “only son and heir” whilst never officially acknowledging Morgana as his daughter until the very end?

F+ father of the year :)

he is not above sending his children into the dungeon if they disobey him as seen here:

(Jfc he even put Morgana in chains like wtf)

also, he is not above using emotional guilt towards them when he deems it necessary (aka one of the only times he actually acknowledges them as his children)

UTHER (1x02 Valiant) I trust you will make me proud.

UTHER (1x08 The Beginning of the End) I’ve treated you like a daughter. Is this how you repay me?

UTHER (1x12 To Kill the King) You are the daughter I never had.

UTHER (2x08 Sins of the Father) You would believe a sorcerer’s lies over the word of your father?

not to mention that when Arthur or Morgana try to reason with him or argue with him since they are the only ones with the status to do so, he pulls rank

UTHER (1x12 To Kill the King) May I remind you that you are speaking to your King [...] Take care, child, or I’ll have you restrained.

UTHER (2x08 Sins of the Father) I am your king and your father. You will show me some respect!

UTHER (2x06 Beauty and the Beast) We live in dangerous times, I cannot allow you to undermine my authority.

UTHER (3x10 Queen of Hearts) You have caused this to happen, Arthur. My decision is final.

ngl i could include more but i have already spent hours searching for shit (YOUTUBE WILL DIE BY MY HAND THAT STINGY BITC—) but y’all get what i mean: Uther is an abusive fucker and it has messed up the conditions of Arthur and Morgana

now, about the double edged blade…..

as previously established, Uther is a fucking dick and wants his children to obey him but also adore him. with this behavior, the Pendragon siblings react in two ways: with anger & contempt or submission and remorse

way #1

i’m gonna start with Morgana because anger is the easiest to pick out throughout the show. in the first episode of the first season, our introduction to Morgana’s character is her lecturing Uther about executing the man Merlin witnessed upon entering Camelot (such a warm welcome for Emrys, mh?)

MORGANA I just don't think chopping someone's head off is cause for a celebration. That poor mother. UTHER It was simple justice for what he'd done. MORGANA To whom? He practiced some magic, he didn't hurt anyone. UTHER You were not around twenty years ago, you have no idea what it was like. MORGANA How long are you going to keep punishing people for what happened then?

early on, it is easy to pick up on Morgana’s resentment and anger at Uther, who she believes is blinded by his fear of magic and his need for control (which she isn’t wrong about). also, we find that she isn’t one to back off when poking the bear (Uther). she does it constantly in seasons 1 & 2

MORGANA (1x03 Mark of Nimueh) Why would she kneel on a cold stone floor morning after morning when she could make these things happen with a snap of her fingers? Like an idle king!

MORGANA (1x08 The Beginning of the End) How can this child be your enemy? He's just a boy. UTHER He is a Druid. MORGANA Is that such a crime?…What have these people done to you? Why are you so full of hate?

UTHER (2x04 Lancelot and Guinevere) How many men would you have me sacrifice to save a servant? MORGANA  As many as it takes!

to be honest, i wouldn’t be surprised if screaming, arguing and berating Uther about his morals and ethics is her way of proving that she is not weak or submissive to his actions. i mean, Morgana grew up in a household the complete opposite from her time in Camelot. Gorlois, the man whom Morgana considers to be her father and one and only family member, was said to be “just” and “kind” and someone that Uther even considered a good friend who openly kept him in check. Morgana, until the age of ten, understood parental love and empathy unlike Arthur, who spent his whole life without any good or healthy substance of it.

the culture of Camelot and Uther’s wrath is not something Morgana was ever able to fully acclimate to as Uther himself pointed out in 1x12. She “was at odds with [him] since the beginning” and could never picture herself as a Pendragon (point further proven in 4x05: she looked revolted when Queen Annis compared her to Uther) because she didn’t share in their idea of magic = evil and a king = absolute control.

ironic in terms of future plot events, isn’t it :’)

way #2

compare that to Arthur: man’s respressed af. keeps all his emotions under lock and key if they are anything but haughty and serious. y’all, Arthur even says it himself how he “[can't] disagree with Father [Uther] in public.” whenever Arthur finds himself at odds with Uther, he holds his tongue and waits until he can disobey secretly (2x05 when he leaves to rescue Gwen, 1x08 when he helps Morgana sneak out Mordred in the dark of the night, 2x08 when he sneaks out to meet Morgause for more info about his mom, etc). it is only the rare moments when Arthur feels impassioned enough to speak up without fearing any retribution does Arthur talk back at him (so satisfying 👌)

ARTHUR (1x03 Mark of Nimueh) [Morgana’s] right, Father. You hear the word magic, you no longer listen.

ARTHUR (2x08 Sins of the Father) This is what fuels your hatred for those who practice magic. Rather than blame yourself for what you did, you blame them….You hunted her kind like animals! How many hundreds have you condemned to death to ease your guilt?!….You speak of honour and nobility! You're nothing but a hypocrite and a liar!

ARTHUR (3x10 Queen of Hearts) You can't forbid my feelings any more than I can. I won't deny them any longer, I love her. I love Guinevere.

we can even compare how the two react to Uther’s violence towards them

(ahahahahahaaaaa what a wonderful dad)

on the left, you see Arthur’s face right when Uther crushes the morteus flower needed to heal Merlin (his manservant/friend/????) and on the right, is Morgana after Uther discovers she was harboring a Druid child in her chambers and she refuses to listen to his reason.

notice how both faces are remarkably similar 👀

however, Arthur’s look of shock and dismay come from his hope that Uther would do the right thing. that he would help save Merlin’s life from dying of poison. that he wouldn’t use this as a method to teach Arthur “what it means to disobey and cross the king.” he truly did hope, just like he always does with the people he holds close. Arthur cannot help but hope and trust that those close to him will not betray him and yet so many do. hence the remorse

looking at Morgana, her shock comes from the fact that this might be the first time Uther reacted to her words and actions in a physical manner. my suspicion is that most of the time, all Morgana previously got was Uther reprimanding her and yelling at her to stop questioning his methods (bc, let’s be real, she was the favorite child.) never has he lifted a finder on her like Arthur and i have proof (cue transcript!)

AND! and, Arthur is constantly warning Morgana about not angering Uther any further because of the consequences she might face (consequences this boy is very familiar with) when Uther deems it necessary to “teach” his children obedience.

UTHER (1x04 The Poisoned Chalice) You have to learn there's a right and a wrong way of doing things. I'll see you're let out in a week. Then you can find yourself another servant.

UTHER (3x10 Queen of Hearts) You have caused this to happen, Arthur. My decision is final [...] This is for your own good. - UTHER She will die. The enchantment will be broken. You'll see I was right.

UTHER (2x08 Sins of the Father) I am protecting you from your own foolishness!

so educational 🥰 but see, because Uther presents his punishments as lessons, Arthur himself views them as just a fucked up but meaningful way of his father’s concern because “yeah, I am the first born son and only heir to the throne. of course I need to learn not to do silly things like disobey, talk back to him, be my own person.” <- I’m paraphrasing here

Arthur does and has never seen a way out of the life thrust upon him by Uther (see 3x06). succeeding Uther as king, marrying a noblewoman of high standing for heirs and alliance strength was always expected of him. Arthur never saw a way out of this. even when he and Gwen were in their secret relationship phase, Arthur had to remind himself that this would never last. he loved her and knew she loved him, but there was always that reminder (that sounded a lot like Uther) in the back of his head telling him that it would never last so long as he was prince. he had a duty (constructed by Uther) to serve Camelot and going against his father would mean (in his eyes) that he is going against Camelot (as Uther always presented it to be).

so unlike Morgana, he did not kick and scream but stood firm because that was what he believed was stronger. if he stayed in his lane and did his part, then he would be a good king, maybe even a better one than his father, for Camelot. however, the show proves that differentiating himself from Uther actually made him the better king and more respected, but this is not the meta for that. I am getting side tracked.

OK: so we’ve established parental issues between the two siblings. now onto their very complex, complicated yet beloved dynamic

sO, as i mentioned in this post (because i am lazy and too tired to copy/paste the evidence from there), these siblings do care for one another. they just go about it in the most hilarious and repressed and in-denial way (hilarious to me 😤)

when we meet them, it’s established that these two have known each other for some time. enough for them to bicker and have banter, you know, as you do with a Pendragon. also, should add, neither character are ever aware they are blood-related until s3 (because of some weak-ass bitch named Uther), so you have that very, uh, interesting subplot in s1 that everybody forgets about until you rewatch it. (honestly, I have so many questions. number 1: why???? number 2: it’s only in s1—was it scrapped??? is it like it never existed???? what was its purpose to the plot??? bbc explain yourself—)

however, despite how much it is shown that they do care for one another, they’re relationship in s1 is still undefined and vague as if they also don’t know how to accurately define what the other means to them. it’s very similar to the whole “i really love this person so much but is what i’m feeling platonic, familial, or romantic?” because….you know, guy and girl besties who are close are typically expected to grow romantic feelings for each other, so tbh i would not be surprised if both mistook their love as romantically inclined in the beginning bc, reminder, neither of them were aware they were siblings until much later.

[and this is ALL i am saying on this subplot. i do not want to cause any negative discourse, so if anyone has a few choice words about it, either keep it to yourself or feel free to talk about it with people you know. personally? not a fan of the ship and never will be, but i am not here to post about that.]

anyway, have some featured receipts showing Arthur and Morgana slipping up and showing how much they care for each other.

SEE!!!! LOOK AT HOW THE CARE!!!! SEE HOW THEY WORRY FOR THE OTHER AND WISH TO PROTECT THEM FROM HARM!!! (and see how even when they’re on opposite sides there is still that same love. just more warped and corrupted T^T)

^worried/protective Morgana

^Arthur’s face after Merlin informs him that there’s an intruder heading to Morgana’s chambers

Morgana is very aware of Arthur’s trusting nature. Arthur is very aware of Morgana’s empathy and righteous nature. they understand each other so well which is why Morgana knew just how to harm Arthur in later seasons and why Morgana’s betrayal hit Arthur so hard. it’s also why he never stopped trying to reach out to her in s4 & s5. as @merlinemrys said in this lovely post, the show’s driving force is love. love of all kinds. whatever conflict it is, love is there at the center of it all and, in Arthur and Morgana’s case, it does not save them (just like how love does not save Merlin or Arthur from what lies ahead, as the op of the post pointed out).

that is what makes their relationship/love be like a double edged sword!! that is why they are edges of the same blade!!! they protect and fight for what they believe in and for the people they love, but the same blades cut deep and twist their wounds into a lasting scar.

it is because of Arthur’s love for Morgana that he cannot help but hope and mourn the woman he once knew. it is because of Morgana’s love for Arthur that her feelings of hatred are so strong and ugly.

like honestly,

look at them T^T compared to before

their relationship is so tragic T^T because we knew them before it all went wrong. we knew they cared and understood each other. we knew that for some time, they only had each other to rely on for a friend, a crutch, a breather for when the royal life was too much. both of them were fighters and strive to honor their values. both of them had once leaned on the other for support, had wanted nothing but happiness for each other.

fuck, they didn’t even get the chance to really be siblings because they found out too late, and by then Morgana was on a war path and Arthur only found out at the last minute.

like fuck, man

two sides of the same blade: forged with love, yet used for blood

screencaps brought to you by me, @sourdough-morbread, and farfarawaysite

[deerlisteners]

thinking abt felix being protective of areadbhar and feeling entirely normal about it actually

[toddtakefive]

btw todd’s reluctance to join the dps because he doesn’t want to read (which is then accommodated for) and is scared to put himself out there (which is also worked through) being read as todd not wanting to go AT ALL, and thus neil making the proper accommodations (“todd anderson, who prefers not to read, will keep the minutes of the meetings”) and encouraging him to step out of the box that stifles him being seen as ‘forceful’ or like he can’t take no for an answer makes me insane with rage

[lanternlightss]

loop ….

[thetwilightroadtonightfall]

watched Elemental today <- is asian

[pinksepia]

I think my issue with life makeover is that there is a lack of tops and bottoms and mix matching tops and bottoms like don’t get me wrong some of them are nice and all but some of them look the same, same style and everything, there’s a lack of diverse top and bottom outfit selection