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my-castles-crumbling · 10 months ago

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Hi guys! Got an anon ask with some triggers, so I'm copying it here so I can put a 'read more.'

TW: ED, SH

Here's the original ask:

hey Cas!

hru today? <3

I rlly don’t wanna bother u but I just need some advice bc I’m in a pretty tricky situation and I don’t know who I couldn’t turn to who wouldn’t then tell OTHER people (adults etc)

also a TW b4 anyone reads further: ED (not me but a a friend) and generally bad mental health (including sh and sui)

Basically I have this friend (one of my best friends) who’s struggled with really bad mental health and attempted in the past (we weren’t friends during this time but they’ve shared it with me) they have told me they no longer sh but I’m not entirely sure if I believe him on that but I guess there’s nothing to do except just take their word for it and they are definitely doing better than they were before (about a year or two ago)

thing is this friend does still have a (pretty bad I think) ED (specifically I think they have anorexia but I’m really not sure because I don’t know that much about EDs. I’ve tried to do some research but it’s actually incredibly hard to find any info about them especially in terms of ways to emotionally show support. In a medical sense they always seemed to be talked about like minor things(?) idk it’s hard to explain but often times I’ve been reading actual factual medical stuff and just been disgusted at the ways it’s discussed, like they try so hard to describe it from a technical viewpoint that they essentially the entire mental health aspect of it which kind of demeans the whole thing bc EDs ARE a mental health disorder)

sorry went on a little side rant there but basically I’ve tried to find stuff out but it’s really hard to learn about the mental health aspect and even harder to find stuff out about how to HELP someone through an ED

I’ve even resorted to looking thru some more unsavoury places for info (including anablr), I know these types of places encourage EDs and I am actually not a person who really loves their body very much but I do think I’m in a strong enough place emotionally to do this (and so far I’ve been correct, I’m unaffected) because I just wanted some actual insight on what it’s like

the problem with my friend is that she’s ALREADY in therapy. Her parents put her in it when they found out about her vaping habit but they just lie all the time (she tells me about it) because they have like serious trust issues due to past trauma and I’m gonna be honest, I 100% believe therapy is a good thing but sadly it is also entirely useless if the person doesn’t make any effort to get better

all I can do in that aspect of it is hope the therapy is going better than the jokes he makes about it or that eventually she will feel comfortable enough to share and process her issues

in terms of the ED what im really lost with is how to help

and don’t get me wrong, I know you can’t really help a person who doesn’t want to be helped but honestly I’m not giving up on this person I care about that easily. I will NOT be another person in their life who abandons them for being ‘too much’ or ‘too difficult’. I’ve already accepted the fact that I will not be able to help them out of it really (as best as I can at least)

I’ve already taken to carrying gum and mints in my school bag as much as I can (usually I’ll have a pack of both and I just share them with everyone so this person doesn’t actually catch wind that they’re the reason I do as quite often when they skip lunch they do help themselves to a few of my mints or gum pieces but ik if they knew it was for them they’d stop bc she’s just like that)

I just don’t know how else to help emotionally though, I’m one of the only people (I might be the ONLY person at all) that they feel comfortable enough to talk to about these issues and I just think its better that they’re telling someone who cares about them and is trying to help than telling no one at all which seems to be the alternative. The issue is I don’t know how to respond or show support especially because (thank u trust issues and trauma (/s) the window of vulnerability is SMALL (I’m talking a couple of seconds literally) before they’re joking and changing the subject

Also a small (but frankly compared to the rest of this, not very important) detail is that like I previously mentioned I am also not suuuper happy with my body ( I don’t sh really or have an ED in any way shape or form) and sometimes the stuff he says slightly upsets me (just like once I told him about how my mean grandma told me I was fat and had to eat less and he said his grandma forces him to eat more and that my grandma ‘sounds like her wet dream’ - I know this was just a joke obviously but I didn’t rlly love it considering my grandma is a pretty big source of my looks based insecurities)

like I said in no way is it on the same level and obviously I know it’s not coming from a place of malice because this friend also really looks out for my mental health like way more than my other friends tbh (I don’t know if it’s bc they struggled with it or whether they’re the only one who seems to notice I’m the therapist friend haha but they are the FIRST person to ask if anything’s wrong if I’m acting different and I rlly want to stress that because I know that from what I’ve said so far they may have come across as selfish or something but they are actually one of the kindest people ever) that’s especially why I’m worried if I bring anything up about wanting to help with little things or especially anything about not being a fan of little jokes that she’ll just stop talking about it at all in an attempt to make me feel more comfortable)

for context for all of this, I’m 15 (we both are) so still in school and they’re parents absolutely SUCK (in the most non violent way possible I would like to kill them [not actually but I do really hate them and wish them only the worst]) so there’s no emotional support coming from home for him

I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this in real life because (for privacy reasons) they’ve asked me not to share it with like my other friends and I don’t have the greatest relationship with my parents (they’re not like abusive or neglectful or anything but we just have a lot of differences and just I’ve very much emotionally distanced myself from them)

sorry if this is too much because I do know it’s a really tricky situation and even though all of us sort of deify you, you’re still only one person and if this does make you uncomfortable or upset (not just if it’s triggering I mean just in general if you’re reading this and you don’t feel comfortable) in anyway please don’t force yourself to answer or feel guilty if you don’t because the last thing I’d want to do is put you in that kind of position

Im not sure if ill send in more anons but if I do then ill refer to myself (and you can call me) lacy anon so you know who I am (yes after the song bc i rlly love it haha)

Anyway sending lots and lots of love from the person who does basically look up to you as their adult role model and who I wanna be like when I’m older <3

Hi love! You're not bothering me at all!

So, first, I want to let you know that I am an adult, but when I say this, I hope you don't take it as...condescending, I guess? Because I don't mean it that way at all. I want to be realistic in the fact that these things you are dealing with are VERY grown-up and scary, and you are handling them in a remarkably mature way, but you are still legally fifteen.

This is way too much for a fifteen year old to take on.

You genuinely seem like the most amazing person. The fact that you have done research and carry around things for your friends, all to help them with their ED is frankly restoring my faith in humanity a bit. But I worry that you are placing WAY too much of the responsibility on yourself. I don't mean to be bleak or too blunt, but if god forbid anything ever happened, I would hate for you to blame yourself, and it sounds like you would. Your job is to be this person's friend. Not their therapist or caretaker.

So, here's my advice: I absolutely agree that you should not give up on them! But make sure you have boundaries. It broke my heart to read that you were going to places like anablr just to help- that's not healthy for you! As a friend, especially at your age, your most important job is to make sure your friend doesn't feel alone. And you're doing an amazing job, in my opinion. They seem to be willing to talk to you, and that's a big deal. But, in the best way, you are fifteen, and you don't have to have all the answers! Sometimes, the best way to support someone is to remind them that they are loved and they have someone in their corner. BUT remember that being there for someone doesn't mean you have to sacrifice yourself or your mental health. Say something if a joke makes you uncomfortable. "I love you so much, but that joke makes me feel uncomfortable. Can you maybe not joke like that?" It's okay and healthy to set those boundaries.

Please remember, you are not responsible for this person. You can love them and be there for them and care deeply, but you are responsible for you and your own health. Don't forget you.

My last very gentle suggestion is this: If you ever get to the point that you are so genuinely worried about this friend that you think it is a life-or-death situation, please don't take that on by yourself. I know it is scary, and I know that telling adults mean that there can be ramifications, but remember that if you are genuinely scared, then an adult needs to be there to keep everyone safe. Very bluntly: Trust can be rebuilt but you can't bring people back from some other very permanent decisions.

Again, you are a wonderful person, and a fantastic friend. But remember to take yourself into account and stay safe in all ways. I know this is probably not the advice you want to hear, but I hope maybe you'll consider it.

Sending so much love! <3 <3 <3

#ask #asks #ask cas #tw: sh #tw: ed

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yaminalapis · 1 year ago

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@transingthoseformers I wrote a prelude

Prelude: A history of Maumee Lake Plain and its monsters

Since the founding of Detroit in 1701, rumors of monsters of all kinds have abounded. Stories of gigantic insects, too big to be of this world and regionally inappropriate, are almost as old as the city itself. As time marched on, and with no solid proof of their existence, these rumors faded until they were seen as nothing but spooky stories to keep kids inside at night. Little did people realize that these were more than mere stories.

November, 2057

“I can’t believe we have to come down into the sewers just to relax.”

“Hey, you don’t want my parents to see me smokin’ squares, eh?”

Two teenage boys hefted themselves into a large drainage pipe for the Detroit sewers. The taller one was skinny like a beanpole, with ragged red hair hidden under an equally ragged beanie. The smaller was dressed in a cobbled together outfit that had clearly been thrown on last minute.

“Man, I didn’t even wanna smoke, I wanted to go get a coney.”

“We’ll get your damn coney after I have a square.” The taller one snapped, fumbling for a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. “I swear, you need these man, or at the very least a joint.”

“Weed smells gross. I don’t like it.” The shorter boy grumbled, looking at the stained floor sheepishly.

“That’s what vape pens are for, dumbass.” The taller boy hissed, taking a drag from his cigarette. The smoke he exhaled gave the implication he might be a demon in another life. The two stood in silence for what felt like a long time, the sounds of late night Detroit filling the air and any room for conversation.

The shorter boy looked up, his brows furrowed. “Do you hear that?”

“Hear what?”

“That sound. It sounds like jackhammers.”

The taller boy stomped out his cigarette in the stagnant water of the pipe, one final puff of smoke escaping. “Your hearing needs to be checked. There hasn’t been road work in this part of the city for years.”

“I’m not hearing things, it sounds like a jackhammer.” The shorter boy protested.

“I don’t hear anything, quit your-“ the taller boy started to snap, only to stop when he too heard it. It sounded like it was coming from just beyond their position in the tunnel.

After a few tense moments, the noise stopped. Just as the taller boy was about to continue snapping at the shorter one, a jarring crash, like a huge creature smashing through a concrete wall blasted through the drainage pipe mere feet away.

“What the hell is that?!” The taller boy shouted. As the dust settled, it seemed that the crash had just been the drainage pipe collapsing.

That was, until a large hand warped the dust and curled around the broken wall. Then another, on the same side. The creature that emerged from the hole was at least 20 feet tall, probably taller. It had two pairs of arms, an insectoid abdomen branching off its rear, a pair of bent antennae and a set of mandibles caging its mouth, but otherwise looked like a giant woman. The back of its head sported what looked like an ant head, and it’s black and brown coloring made it near indistinguishable from the dim background if not for the purple glow of its eyes cascading down like spotlights on the two boys.

It said nothing, and the boys said nothing back. After what felt like hours of staring, the smaller boy took a picture with his phone, the flash illuminating the entire creature for a brief second. The creature roared, a mix of a woman’s guttural scream and a hissing teapot.

The boys fled in screaming terror, but the creature didn’t pursue them. Instead, it made a chittering sound not unlike snickering.

“Glad to see humans haven’t changed after all these years.” she said, mostly to herself.

“Lasius, what did you find?” Another female voice asked, a similar ant like creature emerged, slightly shorter and red in coloration, but otherwise the same.

“A tunnel?” A smaller voice asked. The owner of the voice peeked over the debris. It was significantly smaller and didn’t carry any specific insect traits, aside from having four arms and a set of antennae.

“No little one. This is too perfect to be a natural tunnel. Invicta, you’re not gonna believe this. I think we made it into the human city.” Lasius said, stepping over the debris and into the drainage pipe itself.

“It took us this long?” The smaller voice asked.

“We’ve been expanding south this whole time, of course we didn’t find an entrance into the city that way.” Invicta said.

Lasius stepped to the edge of the drainage pipe, bracing herself on the rim. “Things have changed significantly since our last encounter with humans. We should report this to the queen and requisition a scouting team.”

“Do you think they’ve developed arms to hurt us yet?” Invicta asked, pulling the smaller creature close.

“It’s hard to say. Humankind has always been skiddish, so if they have the means, they’ll certainly use them. For the colony’s safety, we should close up the tunnel until we can secure it.” Lasius said. “Get the rest of the team, and maybe call a team of wasps to help for good measure. Return Xyloni to the Dome.”

“What?! But we’re just getting interesting!” Xyloni protested, being escorted by Invicta back down the tunnel. Lasius followed after a few more moments of observation.

“Xyloni, this is a matter of not only your safety, but the colony’s safety. When we offered to take you into the mines to observe what ants do, we did not anticipate to find an entrance to a human settlement. This is an extraneous circumstance.” Invicta said. As Lasius pulled what rubble she could back over the entrance, tension hung in the air.

#transformers #insecticon queen AU #if anyone has a title for this story pitch it to me because I’m STRUGGLING to start this story

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after-nine-at-the-oasis · 10 months ago

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I love Janine this episode xD

"They knew I was lying" SLFHFJSKD xDD

I love her lol

"That's concerning" xDD

I mean they could be schools too though lol, tbh I believe them xD

Ahhh I thought it was the mx for a second like wrong first name but it's the spelling xD

JANINE LOL

Honey xD

MELISSA GOING TO GO STAND WITH HER SKFHDJS

Melissa xD

Their face 💀

"Ja" SLFJFHSK JANINE XDD

Jacob I swear if you do it over text or call- sir get it together 😭 xD

SPCJSUANWPAUUUOH NO I'M NOT PREPARED FOR THAT

Imagine if he proposed or something-

Lol sorry xD ik it wouldn't be I just mean like something the opposite xD

Gregory does not want to be here for this xD

OPE NO CHOICE NOW

He didn't say that I just know he won't want to

SLFKGHDKS JACOB STARTING TALKING AROUND GREGORY XDD

Oh poor Gregory I'm so sorry lol

I know it would pain me too lol xD

Also it would be wild if Zach really does go like "I realized how much I love you :))" or like "are you doing okay?" xD

Yk maybe if they break up now we can fix it later in the episode :'))

Maybe :'))

Hear me out xD

Because this moved along a lot quicker than I thought it would from being 7 minutes in lol I thought there would only be time to breakup xD

Though there is still Barbara's whole plot

Also they deserve better than a middle for he episode breakup You Know What if that happens 😤 xD

"I've been rather frustrated" sorry Zach I can't take you seriously- /lh xD

I think honestly any wording in a blunt way just makes it more awkward for Gregory and that may be a reason for it lol xD not that they can't be blunt but yk

Aww and confused 😭😭 stop he sounded so sad :'((

Turns out Zach doesn't think they're having problems :'))

Maybe if they break up Jacob will realize how much he still loves him and wants to be with him :'D or both of them :'D help please :D

Poor Gregory xD sir at this point just leave lol

I would not be able to handle being there for that xD not bc I love them but bc it would be awkward lol

SLFHFSK yeah you have been xD

See this is why you guys never break up because you're too honest and accepting of your faults and sweet xD except clearly not honest enough lol

I swear though if this is all some elaborate ruse

I don't think it is but like xD

"My brother if I could just-" Bro is trying his BEST SLFHSJLDS 💀💀 XDDD

He does not wanna be here for this and I wouldn't either

PLEEEASE don't do this to me I feel like they will and then Gregory's gonna be left standing there awkwardly as the end of the scene 😭

But hey maybe that leaves time for reconciliation :D

Probably not but I can cope :')

It would be funny if Zach asks if it's from quitting vaping lol like the behavior

And nice callback/consistency :)) or if that actually is the reason xD but yk the 7 months thing so who knows

I thought Jacob said he'd been being frustrating and confusing but I went back (just to go back not for that) and he did not so slightly less immediately broke down and was honest there lol

Wait nah he's not gonna-

YEAH COUPLE'S THERAPY LOL

Jacob xD you idiot

Unfortunately this means they will probably break up at the end of the episode :') or before the end anyway

Since it's not now xd

Help I'm hurting

Let's just hope they actually do and it works xD :')

AUGH JACOB

aoguh

oaughHaug my CAPS COME BACK HERE I NEED YOU

AOGUHAUAIOGH

JACOB STOP

JACOB WHY

WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME

The way he said it 😭😭 xD sad and funny

Also!hey :')))) at least this means they could get back together by later :'))

Or he'll back down now lol

But I think we might end the scene and come back to it later? Hopefully not lol

Gregory awkwardly standing there like xD

Let me see his face I need to see it lol

It's my only solace here xd 😭

SKFJHDKS Zach's face xD but also 😭😭😭💔💔 my honey DD':

My honeys honestly 😭😭😭😭 D':

Yep Gregory's awkward xD feeling it I mean

LOL yes run XD

SLFJGHDKS MR. JOHNSON STANDING THERE WITH A TRASH CAN LOL

He just wants to be in on it lol xD

It would be wild if he set all this up-

Sorry I'm fine and rational I promise xD

SLDKFHDKS MR. JOHNSON

A H NO THEY'RE BACK CRAP

But I mean at least I get to see it 😭😭😭 they deserve that much tbh xd

Or maybe they'll talk it out :')? Or be almost at that point and then later we found out they did? Whatever works? Please :')?

The sub stuff is already mostly figured out so we've got plenty of time for this and the other one 😭 unfortunately and fortunately xD

Jacob don't turn it back on him lol

Just stop repeating him man 😭

OKAY Zach said "Jacob. You s" before I paused and the genuine emotion like without comedy there was too much for me I ant handle this 😭😭😭😭😭💔💔

Guys help help guys save me

This is one of the few times I think you'll find me genuinely having a breakdown on my blog show wise lol. Like sadness wise, especially liveblog wise lol

So hey at least there's that xd I am not always happy (with the decisions lol)

Pleeeeas don't do this to me

I should stop the post but I think I wanna keep it going xd all in one post and what not

They deserve that 😭

Ik I'm talking like they're already dead but please guys don't break up xdd

I mean be happy but I want you to be happy together xdd

Okay there was some comedy there vibe wise as I figured out still that hurt 😭

Jacobbbb stop trying to pin the blame on him 😭 ik you hate this but you did it

Honestly despite my screaming howling pain and misery if they really do I will be proud of Jacob for actually doing it lol

And I'm afraid that's what's supposed to happen xd 😭

HE DID NOT

Jacob stop gaslighting him 😭 I love you but sir xd

AWW APIGUOSHUHHH- I can't the that time oh my gosh

He's about to do it

Or actually force Jacob to be honest

Or break my heart (though both of those would) but yk in a separate way like about he was gonna propose at some point or how much he loves him or something

That would just about kill me and I would die right here 😌

OKAY NOPE IT WAS A "WHAT'S GOING ON" OPTION TWO GUYS HONESTLY THE BEST OUT OF ALL BUT NOW I HAVE TO CONFRONT IT 😭😭😭💔

And so do they 😭😭😭💔 :'((

JACOBBBB NOOOO

But also don't deny it I mean xd

Tbh I just don't deserve this

One second let me just-

AAAAAAAAAUOOUUUGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-

I'm fine :')

Yk what no no I'm not 😭😭😭😭 :'((

Screaming sobbing throwing up how could you do this to me

No Jacob don't deny it sir I swear-

JUST BE FREAKING HONEST

OKAY AIGOGDUUAGAUUHHHOGIHHGGGGH but at least the did :') 😭😭😭😭😭💔

Jacob. That hurt me. How could you ever do this to me

Zach's gonna agree or something and that lessens the chances of fixing it but also that makes it slightly easier sooo idk xd

Okay at least we're being genuine now 😭😭😭💔 :'((

Honeyyyys 😭😭😭💔 I mean yeah that tracks but xd the afraid to rip of the band-aid bit, as the reason I mean lol

Okay bandage my bad I paused lol

OH MY GOSH HE'S ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING WHILE SOUNDING LIKE HE'S CRYING LIKE THAT HE LOVES HIM I'M NOT OKAY-

Y'all this is too emotional for them to get back together they're really doing this to me 😭 I haven't accepted it till now and probably won't for the next 26 years but yk x'd

AOUGHHHHHAHHHHH "THIS SUCKS" YES IT DOES SUCK 😭😭😭💔💔💔

Not as bad as it could've been though, what he said wise :')

Yeah 😭😭😭😭💔

. . . do I deserve a kiss for all my efforts/pain though (the answer is yes but will I get one xdd a goodbye kiss for them I mean lol)

Should you be doing this in the middle of the school day by the way guys x'D sorry unrelated lol

Not really but yk xd

I better get a hug though not just a dejected stand

AOUGH NOPE THEY'RE GONNA CONTINUE TALKING OUCH

AUGHO why'd you have to say thank you I deserved an I love you there

We can worry about Jacob's growth later let me be sad and emotional and in the moment 😭😭😭😭😭😭💔💔❤️

SLFKFHSK JACOB

SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT xd

I swear if the only reason Zach wanted to actually break up was because of the stuff you've been doing Jacob-

IF YOU'VE KILLED THIS FOR ME xd-

It is not a funny story Jacob bc ik that's what you're gonna say after really when I unpause this lol xd

Yep xD

And I think Zach agrees lol

Yk this was almost amicable xd

JACOB

How many times did that happen xD

I appreciate the jokes to lighten the mood but guys xdd

Also honestly just let me be sad lol I need it xd

NOT THE FULL NAME

Sir this was so close to being amicable 😭😭

I mean I don't want the secret but like xD

APCIENAO IS HE GONNA CALL HIM A SOB

Probably not but xD

Glad we're also acknowledging Jacob's non-growth lol

AOCURUANODAUHOL NOPE JUST THE B :O

SLFKGJDKHS LOWKEY ICONIC THOUGH ON ZACH'S PART AND ON JACOB FOR BEING CALLED THAT XD

Hold up now xd-

The what 😭

Guys I am not emotionally okay xdd

I'm shaking as I try to breathe lol

And I cannot take seriously what Zach is doing right now 😭😭 xD

Desperately hoping I get more in my feels so I can avoid this /hj-

WHY IS THE KRAKEN FLAPPING. ZACH.

YES understandable Zach xD but the yes was also for Jacob bc it needed to be said

Sweet prince??? Slfjghsks??? What do y'all have going here I swear xDD

Honestly fair though Zach don't have to care xd

But also. Did you have to try and break my heart in every possible guys xd

Zach this is about to be uncalled for- :OO >:OO THEY WERE NEVER FUN

Yk idk if I could get over this if they did ret back together ngl xdd

My babeys don't deserve this 😭😭😭😤💔

Fair and real though for Zach to go off mans was just broken up with

Also I cannot help but figure Mr. Johnson and Gregory are listening at the door 💀

:OOO AT TRIVIA NIGHT!!

Okay now Jacob looks angry too and fair enough xdd

Also not the callback to the first time we saw Zach, and I don't deserve this :))) 😭. The and isn't needed there but idk I wanted it

SLFJFHSKDS NOT THE SINGING XD

Fair and real Zach but also

Zach leads the choir song-

Awww honeyyy 😭😭😭😭💔💔

Now give me the sadness back xdd

Yk the anger makes it easier but also I still don't deserve this xd

Also as I've been wondering, where is Janine in all this 😭 your bestie needs you D':<

Yep Gregory's is stills standing there xD

Yep you should've xdd

SHLFHSKDS GREGORY

Nahh for him too

Awww yeah :')) 😭😭😭😭❤️💔

Awww :'))) (the "I do have other pens")

Okay! So! I did not deserve this!

#abbott elementary #ae #oasis's ae chatter #watch me have a breakdown in real time

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barbarakushh · 8 days ago

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the new view from da sesh. i quit THC for life. i gave myself psychosis and almost schizophrenia. i didnt need to see a medical professional to know that those statements are true. i have supplemented thc with nicotine to get thru the withdrawals and because dopamine is still hard to come by for the ADHD brain. so tonite i smoke this geek bar. i am not proud but i am making little changes. fuckin sue me. getting reaquainted with my sober brain is hard but i amd much more joyful, controlled, and powerful. cant focus for shit doe, maybe i should go on adderall. but i still feel like i would be sacrificing control of my mind. i just have to meditate and slow down. real. i have healed significantly. already forgotten about whats his name and im convinced ive finally found the man who will be the love of my life. so i am staying as far from him as possible so as to not fuck it up. things end as quickly and they begin so i will take as much time as i can. im scared. i dont wanna fuck this up. and his venus is in aries 😭. but hey, if my parents can make it work with a cancer venus and aries venus, then theres hope. and neither of us have as much trauma or codependency/emotional immaturity issues as my parents, so theres definitely a chance. future me if youre reading this, i hope youve ended up with this man. imma hit dis vape till im bored or domed then go do a tarot spread and pop a melatonin. the moon is full is gemini. makes me think of janelle monae :) its nice to have learned to find dopamine in sobriety finally. life is good, im the most joyful and content ive ever been in my life. if someone were looking at my life from an outside view this would baffle them. but im living by my own values and definition of success, and couldnt be happier. thats a lie, i am excited to work towards much greater joy and contentment. and my spirit is finally ready to bring joy and positivity and light to the world. as above, so below. i love you, universe, thank you. 💚

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punkrocker56 · 18 days ago

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this is the new shit

so I moved to Arizona left dumb people and old habits behind I started dating someone new his name is Robert let me tell you its been the best 4 months of my life all the late night drives gas station giggles almost peeing myself and a cup of hot coffee that was shared by two people I no longer vape nicotine I only vape no Nic I had sex I acutally enjoyed not to mention. that I accidently decided when I left California to quit all my meds protection included oh fuck. bad idea oh well but hey everything turned out just fine I started a new job fucked up my finger and had my first er vist by myself go ahead and let. me have it I can't wait to go back and hangout in Tucson it was so much fun here's to new memories not to mention I'm moving again fuck me I don't wanna I hope its closer to my man but I doubt it I just wanna pack a bag and go on a adventure because I'm fucken bored so things are going sideways this is a shit town I don't have any friends and there's nothing to do. I hate having to to go 3-4 hours away to have fun unless u drive to Vegas a nd gamble your life away I don't wanna move but at the same time I wanna be closer to my bf and family but I know that's not gonna happen I guess its wishful thinking and I can keep dreaming well off to pack for a 4 hour roadtrip to see my bf and spend time time in the peace and quiet for 2 whole days then its back to reality it doesn't feel like Christmas at all because not even my siblings are here this just sucks I miss all my friends and family I want shit to change and get better

xoxo beach girl

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shocker54 · 1 month ago

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I had just gotten off of school and I was bored as an average tween would be.. so I decided I would go to the park alone because I didn't have many friends. there wasn't much to do in my home town it was quite boring it was just filled with weird teens and boys who sucked at being boys. I was sitting on the bench listening to music and breathing in the air that was filled with the awful musk of weed and vape. this girl wearing a black hoodie and grey sweatpants goes up to this guy's black jeep with a baggy of money, her hair slightly out of the hood blowing in the wind. i look away and look at the kids fighting for the swings. The girl runs past me and looks at me and waves, I smile as she was absolutely out standing..

As I'm home I sit in my room talking to my friends about the situation, I don't know if she's a crush or just a girl I find so gorgeous.

The next day I decide to go back to the park I wait until the exact time I saw her yesterday, sitting on the same bench, listening to the same song, Atlantis by seafret, there was no sighting of this girl, until I look up from my phone and see her standing right in-front of me. I take my headphones off and look at her and smile, her gorgeous hazel eyes and her rosy cheeks. "Hey I saw you here yesterday, I just wanted to say you seem really nice, and you're very pretty!" I thought she was just being nice because I'm overweight and have no makeup on and I'm dressed in an oversized t shirt and Shorts. "Well thank you but you're absolutely breath taking" I say back to her. She smiles and her eyes seem to glow in the sunlight that was hitting her face. "Wanna come with me?" She says holding out her hand. I grab her hand "I saw you looking at me yesterday, wanna try something with me?" I look down at the ground "sure?.." she looks at me again "oh come on let's go!" She grabs my hand again and makes me run with her to the black jeep, she gets in the car "Luis this is .. I didn't catch your name.." I nervously look at her "my names Rory." She smiles "this is Rory" "by the way Rory my name is lily." I smile, I like how chill she is!. Luis looks back at Lilly "aight so what u getting today?" She laughs and slaps Luis's arm "oh cmon Luis you know!" He hands her a cart and coke. She gives him the money , she grabs my hand "Rory this is going to be the best summer of your life" she winks "I- I should text my mom lily.." she laughs "go ahead kiddo!" I text my mom

Rory: Mom I'm going out with a new friend I made, I'll be safe!

Mom: alright have fun be safe I love you!

Rory: I love you too!

Luis turns up the music, my girl starts playing "alright girls hold on!" He speeds off, Lily begins singing "my girl! Talking bout my girlll!" She could sing! She's a suprisingly gold singer! She takes the cart out of her pocket and screws it onto her battery and takes a few hits and starts coughing. "Oh Rory, Rory,Rory, such a pretty name" she smiles and looks at me, I smile back. "Luis where we going?!" He laughs "we're going on a road tripppp!" He turns the music up louder, sugar sugar starts playing and I can feel the beat in my chest.

We end up at Luis's house. He lets me inside. I think that was the first time I had ever saw a trap house... there was a huge pile of beer cans, the house reaked of weed. And there it was.. cocaine on the table while someone was putting it into baggies "don't mind him, that's Jason!" Lily sits next to Jason "he works for Luis, he's trusted" I nod my head, being surrounded with a lot of drugs was horrifying. "So Rory where'd you come from?" I laugh "what do you mean?" "Like where you live?" I look at Jason scraping the coke into these baggies "I live near the park, like 4 blocks away." She smiles "oh! So you know the streets huh?" "Yeah I guess I do a bit.."

An hour passes by and lily takes out her baggy of coke and grabs some in her pinkie nail, she had white fake nails on they had some gems on them, she snorts the powder and rubs the rest in her gums. She sniffs very hardly after, "so Rory you ever do drugs?" I chuckle nervously "uh.. no.. never touched anything in my life.." she smiles "ah I see!"

A while later Luis brought us to lilys house "so Rory wanna sleep over?" I grab out my phone

Rory: mom can I sleep over at my friend lilys house?

Mom:sure sweetie be safe and have fun!

Rory: I will!

I never expected this night to be so eventful.. but it was.. lilys mom was gone.. her mom was never really here because she was very addicted to drugs. So she had the house to herself half the time. "So I just got this amazing idea!" She puts her hand on my thigh "what's the amazing idea?" I say. "What if I invite all my friends over for a party?" I shake my head "yes that's a good idea!"

As the party starts and the music blasts, lily is introducing me to her friends, I hate introducing myself, "hey Bella this is Rory!" I smile "hey.." I put my head down breaking eye contact.

"Rory I have the use the bathroom come with me." She takes my hand and drags me to the bathroom with her. "You wanna try something with me?" I nod my head. She gives me a rolled up dollar bill, and pours some coke on the counter and puts it in a line "ok you just put the bill in your nose a bit and sniff in through your nose and snort all of it ok?" I shake my head and do as she says. Little did I know this was a huge mistake I would regret for the rest of my life. I starts to cough and hold my nose "fuck is this supposed to burn?" She giggles "yeah it's gonna burn a bit.." I hand her the dollar back, I pull my hand away from my nose and see blood, "lily do you have a tissue?" She already had some folded up toilet paper in her hand "here" she holds the toilet paper up to my nose "that's gonna happen, it's normal kiddo, don't worry" I smile and look into her eyes. And all of a sudden I feel a rush of energy "let go" she takes the toilet paper awayl. "What you gonna do now rory?" I look around "idk but i feel amazing!" She laughs "yeah you're gonna feel that way"

After the party I feel the come down and feel horrible, and want to do another line. I lay down on lilys bed. And she rubs my head and she snorts another line "how you feeling?" I look around "horrible.." she smiles "mhm you're gonna feel that way" I lay my head on her thigh and look up at her "you wanna do another?" She says in an awkward tone. I shake my head.. "you know weeds a lot better haha" I smile "yeah but idk if I wanna do that" she laughs "why not?" I shake my head "idk just don't wanna" I look around and she gets up from her bed, I hear the bed creak and she looks back at me, I put my hands on my face. What the fuck did I get myself into? Why did I do that? How could I have possibly been this fucking stupid?.

She comes back into her room and brings me some water. "Here... you might want this now." I take the cold class of water and hold it, I don't drink it. "Rory.." she closes the door and locks it. Why would she lock the door if no one's home? "Rory." I look at her "yeah?.." she comes closer to me and takes my cup of water and puts it on the floor. "Rory I think we should go to the bathroom" I look at her funny. All I knew is she was really high off of I don't know what.. she runs to the bathroom, all I hear is coughing and gaging.

I decide just to go to bed, and leave her alone for the night.. but I was worried about her I wish I could have texted this drug dealer of hers and the one we were in the car with, or just something! I didn't know what was going on but whatever it was it was not good, it wasn't good to the point she was throwing up, although I was only 12.

In the morning I go to the bathroom, there's lily on the floor, asleep in a ball dressed in an oversized hoodie that she did not have on when I saw her last. Luis walked in the door "hey Rory come with me" I follow him to the living room "I found lily on the side of the road last night.." I look at him "huh how?.." he shrugs his shoulders "so I brought her back here and carried her up here.." I sigh "fun fun." He breaths in deeply "yeah, that kids got one shitty life"

Luis leaves and I go back upstairs to find lily still in the bathroom asleep, I decide to just text her that I'm going home and I'll hangout with her tomorrow.

I walk home and I see my mom standing in the kitchen "so how was the sleepover?" I shrug my shoulders "fun I guess she had her friends come over and they were very nice but they were kinda scary.." she look at me "how were they scary?" I shrug my shoulders "just teenage girls you know how they are" she laughs "yeah like you!" I go in my room and lay in my bed. Staring at the ceiling not believing what had just recently happened... I fall asleep

I wake up to a text "I woke up a few minutes ago sorry, that shit makes me sleep like a baby, wanna come over again?" The rain began to pick up. I text back "sure." I put different clothes on and put my shoes back on, brush my hair and put on a hoodie. My phone dings "here" I run in the kitchen "lilys here" my mom nods "text me when you're home" I run outside and into the car "hey" she smiles. The butterfly feeling in my stomach continues. "Rory when we get to Luis's place you wanna do more?" I shake my head violently and smile.

When we get to Luis's house lily grabs my hand, and takes me into his bathroom, very rich and smells good "come on here" I snort a line and so does she, the rush hits me and it gets hard to walk, she holds onto my arm and we sit next to Jason "hey girls here's some more" I think the only reason lily liked Jason was because he would give her free stuff. She puts it in her pocket and slowly puts her hand on my thigh, going closer and closer to my area. I look at her "wh-what are you doing?" She smiles "nothing" she stops and then continues when Jason wasn't looking. She whispers "let's go to the bathroom." I shake my head "why?" I feel the tears form in my eyes. She looks at me "Rory come here!" I just decide to follow her to the bathroom.

"Rory I wanted to come in here to do another line that's all" I lean my head on her back "I don't know who hurt you sweetie but that wasn't my intention" she wipes the bit of coke from her nose.

#teen romacne #teenlovers #wlw #young adult #woman x woman #addiction #nonfiction #fiction #romantic

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spiderculechronicals · 2 months ago

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Aaaahh... I wrote a kinda romanticized diner scene with Peter 1 at his job being competent and thriving... idk I'm thinking the whole secret identity being leaked drama just fizzled out a lot in most people's minds, like they only half remember anything if it didn't directly impact them. So even though it's technically known that Peter Parker is Spiderman, like, he's been very lowkey about it for a while and most people don't put two and two together. (Maybe Strange did a spell that just kinda scrambled things up a bit?)

___

“Morning, Peter! Ugh, is that your weird oatmeal breakfast in a cup thing? Dude… I could not handle that texture first thing in the morning…” The line cook greeted him. Peter 1 rolled his eyes and set about making the coffee and stocking the pastry case with the bakery goods that had been dropped off just before he’d arrived.

“Morning Danny. Yeah, I know you’d rather hit a blinker on your vape and then slam a five hour energy shot with a waterboy for a chaser…” Peter 1 teased. “Gonna have a coronary before you’re forty, my guy.”

“Eh. Hey, can you do me a solid real quick and lift up this oven? I swear to God, Frank dropped the good turner and kicked it under here and didn’t tell nobody, and if I have to use the other one for my over easy eggs and the yolks break on me in the middle of the rush one more God damned time, I’m gonna lose it…”

“Uh…”

“… C’mon, dude. I saw you move the cardboard dumpster out of the loading zone last week. I know you’re like… enhanced, or whatever they call it. Extra shift meal for the rest of the month, on me. I won’t spread it around. Please?”

“Fine… gimmie something to cover my uniform, I don’t wanna get grease on my shirt, I just washed it.” Peter 1 took his apron off and stowed it by the register, then followed Danny back to the kitchen. He put on the proffered chef coat and full-length apron, then crouched down beside the piece of equipment. “Um. Gloves too, please.” Danny passed him a box and he put on a double layer of vinyl gloves, then started gingerly feeling around the bottom of the oven to find the most structurally sound spot to lift, finally settling on grabbing it by the legs. He lifted slowly, trying not to jostle it out of place too much in case it disconnected from the gas, stopping when the front was about a foot off the ground. “… good enough?”

“Fuck, man…! Yeah! … Oh shit there it is, I fucking knew it!!” Danny crawled down beside him and snatched up the grill tool, then backed out again. “Fucking lifesaver.” He took it to the dish pit and started scrubbing it down. “Dude if you weren’t such a touch-me-not I would blow you in the bathroom right now. Seriously. I’m taking this turner home with me from now on, Frank can go fuck himself.”

“Uh!” Peter 1 blushed, peeling the gloves into the trash.

“… Sorry, uh. That was, um, that was a joke and I hope I didn’t make you freak out? I mean unless you don’t want it to be a joke…”

“Danny,” Peter 1 laughed, “Oh my God…”

“Seriously please don’t freak out and quit, and that blowjob offer is a Schrödinger’s cat we can just let it go or like…”

“Danny, I have a boyfriend.”

“Oh for real?? Oh sweet, dude! I’m happy for you! He better be good enough for you, or it’s not just me, it’ll be all the regulars on his ass…”

“He is.”

“Hell yeah.” Danny smiled, then tipped his head towards the dining area at the sound of the door bells. “Got a customer.”

Peter 1 shucked the apron and coat and headed up front quickly.

“Morning, Tim! Morning, Paul. Got your coffee coming right up. Usual today?” Peter 1 filled two mugs with fresh black coffee and carried them to the counter. The door jangled again. “Morning, Janice!” He got another cup of coffee ready, this one in a to-go cup. He called out, “Danny! Tim and Paul.” Then went to Janice with her cup. “What’ll it be today?”

“Good morning, sweetheart. I’ll take a raspberry filled with this.”

Peter 1 rang in both items and swung the tap-to-pay out for her, quickly bagged the donut and passed it over. She winked at him and stuffed a folded bill into the tip jar. “Thank you! Have a good day!” He then hurried to ring in the first two orders properly, hearing the POS machine start to rattle off the tickets even as they were being plated up.

“Order Up!” Danny called out, putting two plates in the window. Peter 1 grabbed the two plates and took them to the counter, giving the plates a slight wiggle to judge the done-ness of the eggs before swapping the order and handing each man their breakfast. This earned him a chuckle of appreciation.

Peter 1 looked out the window and spotted a couple of other regulars on their way from across the street. “Danny, omelets incoming! Who closed last night? Is this all the mugs we have clean?”

“Shit, dude… it was Terry. How many you got up there?”

“Like… half a rack… but now I want to double check them to make sure they really are clean...”

“Fuckin’ Terry. Alright, I’m on it.”

“Who else is on today?”

“Just you and me till nine thirty, then we get Judy.”

“Judy starting late today? Trish wouldn’t cover?”

“Trish closed last night for Hailey. Judy’s gotta take her kid across town now to school every Monday morning or she doesn’t get the full weekend, since her ex moved. We got this, right?”

“Yeah, no problem. Feel bad for Judy. Dude, you’d better write Terry up about these mugs, I’m sending half of these back right now.”

“Fuuuck… yeah…” Danny sighed.

“… Dude.”

“He’s on his last warning, if I do this he’s getting fired.”

“Danny…” Peter 1 softened his voice with compassion but laid the facts out straight. “You’re not the one doing it to him. He’s had warnings. He’s doing it to himself. If you don’t write him up, Judy and Trish are gonna walk. Also check the filters on the machine before you run these, you know he only cleans them out half the time. If I use an extra sleeve of to-go cups that don’t line up with the tickets just because we don’t have clean mugs, who do you think’s gonna get written up about it? Not Terry, unless you write him up first, because if you don’t, Rebecca is going to want to know why not. And I can’t come back there to help and leave the front unattended.”

The door jangled. Danny huffed and took the bus tub of mugs to the dish pit, cursing as he checked the filters in the machine.

“Morning, Don!” Peter 1 called out, spotting his apron by the register where he’d left it. He tied it on quickly and grabbed a pot of coffee, then grabbed one of the last clean mugs and walked out to Don’s booth. As the morning rush started in earnest Peter 1 made his way around, subtly working the crowd to keep the tickets from hitting all at once, talking up the fresh donuts and a few judicious times “accidentally” ringing in an order to go that wasn’t originally supposed to be. Before ten minutes had passed Danny set a steaming rack of clean mugs in the window and Peter 1 kicked up the speed again. “Thank you Danny!”

“Right, let’s fuckin’ Go…”

#spiderculeau #self indulgence at its finest #crack treated seriously #spiderman #peter 1 #this peter is based loosely on Tom but is an adult in this

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georginasparkzztoday · 3 months ago

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002 11, September 2024 1:56am

Hey, I actually did quite alot around the house today.. House chores don't feel as draining as they used to. I feel quite proud of myself. That's not all I'm proud of today tho.. I finally stood up for myself. I am slowly being able to protect my mental health and my boundaries. I hope this continues.. Maybe tomorrow I'll have the energy to finish up editing this blog's look too! My vapes are running out tho.. I don't wanna go back to cigarettes.. I hope I can get another one soon.. Anyways, I actually already feel a bit sleepy! idk.. maybe it's the hydroxy. but who really gives a shit anyways? I really need to go back to my psychiatrist so I can get something harder than this lmfaoo 🤣😅

#georginasparkzztoday

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bitchkay · 1 year ago

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Hey guys😍😍

Story time(not really but-)

So yesterday was my last say of classes for the semester so me and my friends went to dinner

Let's goooooo

And we also went outside to

SMOKE👁👁

And this was my first time- well it wasnt my first time smoking with my friends and definitely(👀👀) not my first time smoking if you know what I mean

But it wasnt just us passing around the pen ya know we weren't just hitting someone's vape outside on break cus there was no way we were getting through the rest of class sober--

We had a spliff, a blunt, a big ole doobie-- we had multiple actually we burned like 3 of those mfs

But that's not the point--

I'm sober btw

I probably sound crazy but I swear to god I'm sober

But yes it was my first time passing around the ganja with my friends(and probably wont be the last--)

Anyway the whole point of this is my... friend... that I like😳

You know the one yea

I just thought he looked so hot

Idk

I've never been so attracted to a man

A MAN‼

Me nonbinary and very much sapphic

A MAN‼

and look this isnt new, I do like men guys, yes I very much love women and girls and kissing girls but yall I go both ways-- all ways in fact, as long as you're not an asshole ive probably liked you at some point even if I have a preference for women but anyways

But yea-- also this is the same guy I've been talking about for over a year anyways--

I just thought idk the way he held the blunt and brought it to he lips was very

Attractive👁👁

Idk I thought he looked like a man😍😍

Like y'know a man😍😍

But I also might be ovulating so it could just be my hormones wanting to fuck him--

I do wanna fuck him.

Yall that's so crazy

Also-- side note, taking the bus home high was so fucking fun, I spaced the fuck out and tuned back in at random moments to my friends conversation

Also I had to walk home-- that's besides the point

Anyway

Every time someone passed him the blunt I had my eyes on him😳😳 and now I fear I was being creepy but I couldn't help it I was quite literally on drugs and he literally looked so hot to me

in my eyes at least

In gonna ask if hes ever shot gunned before--

Anyway

Yall when I got home last night (after walking literally half an hour in the dark but it was cool cus it sobered me up) I had to greet my parents and bro the way I was trying not to like breathe too hard in their direction cus I knew, I fucking knew my breath reeked of oui'd🍃🍃

#kay just saying shit #kay in real life #weed mention

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bisluthq · 1 year ago

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I cannot stand the smell of tobacco so I couldn’t possibly date someone who smokes, but I think people look hot when they’re smoking. On the other hand, I don’t think vaping is hot (except the two pictures we have of Saoirse with a juul and with an elf bar) but I could date someone who vapes because I really like how they smell 🫣 The other day I was outside and I thought “mmm it smells like cotton candy here” and it was a girl vaping

Lmao idk what to do with this info except to say I guess you have a shot with Saoirse? I will tell u one funny thing tho - my partner and I are both v heavy smokers but both of us pretended to be non smokers for the majority of our hanging out era and even when we first kissed (in a bar) we had an ashtray in front of us and did not use it or acknowledge it and then soon after that I popped round to his kinda unexpectedly (like I had time and I said “hey man wanna hang?”) and he’d forgotten to hide his ashtray and I almost burst into happy tears. Moral of the story is the same thing I told that Pickled Anon - if someone wants to be with you, they’ll move mountains. Our dumb asses were seemingly fully willing to quit smoking to not fuck it up 😂😂 thankfully we didn’t have to but still.

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thesaddestsong · 1 year ago

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i need a new vape but my only legal friend still in town is trying to quit and i don't wanna be like.... hey bestie would you mind fueling my addiction while trying to kick your own🥰🩷��🏻 proud of him but ughhhhhhh

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nomatterthestorm · 2 years ago

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It’s been a while friend! Life has been busy. Random question for you — what would you tell your 18 year old self?

Good to know you're staying occupied☺️

(this is gonna get graphic) I'd tell myself:

1. first stop being a little bitch about what happened with your parents, love your Mom AND your Dad, their problems with each other are not yours no matter what either of them says. Just love me both as much as you can and tell your Dad you love him, he's really a big softy he's just trying to toughen you up but you'll miss him when he's gone, and he's proud af of you as a man.

2. The girl you're with will fucking leave you so start applying for scholarships and go to OSU and have a good time. Meet people and form some meaningful relationships with those who see things the way you do, but also challenge you to change your mind.

3. You're not weird for liking alternative music and hip-hop simultaneously, in fact give it a couple years the world is gonna start making more music that fits your persona. Also that feeling you get when you're in beautiful moments and fitting somber music start playing in your head that makes you feel like you're in a teen Rom-Com will keep happening and this app called tik too is gonna blow up and you'll find that other people actually felt that and make these things called reels that display that feeling vividly for those who don't get that feeling.

4. I don't really know if you could've made it as far as I did without fucking up as bad as I (future me) did but if you can please figure it out. It'll save you 2 years of really shitty depressing filler episodes, smoking cigarettes (even though you quit eventually but for some reason decide to vape instead, because you've always known since like 8 that you'd smoke despite no one in your family smoking.), and that off and on seasonal depression that you'll deal with for a good 6 years. That shit could've really killed us bro, fuck the fights, the robberies, the over indulgence, the guns, the shady nights outside, drug deals, and racism. We could've killed us formal good thing we didnt do boy scouts cause them knots were loooose..thank GOD

5. Be yourself playa, like bro your mom is fucking right you're handsome AF and you'll attract some of the badest women, NO ONE IS OUT OF YOUR LEAUGE. Like I know right now you can't even imagine being THAT GUY because you think you've let people make you feel ugly and less than but you end up being HIM, all you really had to do was stop sacrificing every bit of yourself for all the people you love, cause let's face it you currently love a lot of people and you'll love a lot more.

6. You keep saying you'll save for a BMW coupe, you never do but it doesn't matter dream bigger you'll be in a 2017 BENZ by the time you get here.

7. Save your money, all the little rich kids that call you a bum right now will be hitting you up saying “Hey bro you wanna link” while ending your life because they were forced to get married just to live decent middle-class lives off two-income households, also fall in love with cooking..you eat out all the time..and it's not fast food but you could save like $1500 a month cause you don’t eat fast food for and have formed this habit of not eating the same thing every day, and you don't like left overs, or even driving to get food.

8. You're stretching that $350 paycheck and you're contemplating quitting your job just to sell weed.. that's a bad idea...like a really fucking bad idea, the only thing you learn from it is fast money will never beat moderately consistent progression. You just spent $500 on a section to party for like 4 hours in a club and you've gone back 3 weeks in a row cause you could and it didn't phase you..you have a fuck ton of electronics, live alone in a fully furnished nice apartment and you used to take your ex to dates and spend $300 frequently for the both of you. (also you don’t marry her or all the other loves that came before her, and being single saves you like $1000 a month) Did I mention you only put premium in your car and you always fill the tank...Stay hungry but save and trust no one that doesn't treat you how you treat them.

9. You've learned a lot so far, but I promise it's still not enough, study older people not just in your immediate life but other people’s too. Reacherch endlessly, not just what you like but things you don’t I know you already absorb information emensly but you need to find out how to use all of that more effectively. You'll think you're learning all of this so you can be the Hero you've always wanted to be but really all of this knowledge will keep you from becoming the villain you've always known you were capable of being. There are few things more dangerous than a powerful man who is not self aware.

10. I love you kid. I know we never told ourselves that growing up but seriously I love you so much for being strong and I know you probably heard everything I said and thought “Now I know so I won't do those dumb things” but the truth is you'll likely make different mistakes that'll probably get you here or put you in the ground so it's probably best you ignore me and just do what you were gonna do anyways because we'll get to where we wanna be regardless, and honestly WE HAD TO MAKE THOSE MISTSKES TO GET THIS FAR. As hard as that is to hear. We've been telling ourselves “One day I'm going to be successful, I don't know how but I will” since the moment we used to wait for all our friends to leave the middle school waiting area because we didn't want them to be alone. Then proceed to walk home alone because we knew we could handle the pressure. Like for real we even got away from that creepy fuck that tried to take us by offering ice cream, we were BUILT, BORN, AND RAISED DIFFERENT. We may not have always been deserving but we must continue to thank GOD for his guidance, and now we thank Dad too since he's up there watching the show too.

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vongosh · 1 year ago

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the way jude talks about his childhood, she'd been anticipating a very different sort of holiday. he'd painted it out like he grew up in a hovel just outside the slums, hustling for spare pence as the single greatest chimney sweep that shantytown had ever seen, yet here they are in a (mostly) state of the art shopping mall. it could've been plucked straight out of new jersey, provided you ignored the distinctly british store names and vague scent of brown sauce—the whole city kind of smells like it. of course he's putting his best foot forward, but she thinks even a walking tour of his juvenile detention center would carry a certain charm. what can she say? it's her first time in europe and it feels like something out of a movie with its cobblestone sidewalks and brick buildings and brick houses and brick walls, the cars on the wrong side of the street, and the accents she can't quite understand, and jude.

there's no question he's thrilled to be introducing her to his world, but sometimes she can see him witnessing his own life through her eyes. he'll go tense, his teeth'll clench until his jaw feathers and that crease slices down between his brows. then comes the vape, the fidgeting and the nervous rush of explanations and disclaimers. they'd finally leveled off in the villa, but in the whirlwind since, both of their anxieties are ramped all the way up. yet another reason they should've just stayed in bed today.

her arms wrap around him from behind, pressing a kiss between his shoulder blades that gets lost to his jacket, then squeezing herself flush against him. "don't call aoife, babe. it's fine," she murmurs, combing her fingers back through his hair, slow and gentle to his frantic thrumming. his sister is busy enough, minus the fact that jenny doesn't think she cares for her much. she'd seen the tweets. her tweets, his other sisters' tweets, his friends', the public's. the next hug is more for her own sake, focusing on the vibration of his voice to distract from the phone burning a hole in her pocket. "juuude, it's fine," she insists, half-grumble half-laugh that gets all mashed into his shoulder when he tucks her into his side. "what, the lingerie i brought from home's not good enough for you? hm... noted." but her stomach gives a flip that he wants to make her feel good. her hand sneaks up under his jacket, then opts for south, sinking down into his back pocket instead as they stumble forward. "what's thirty yards, anyway, like, a few feet?" wishful thinking. she's pretty sure the conversion goes opposite, which isn't the news her thighs want to hear. "hey, wanna carry me, big guy? big strong, strong man. so strong." she's tripping over their feet to slink under his arm like a limbo stick, coming around to his back with hands that slap onto his shoulders. "since i'm on such a roll with riding," and launches herself onto his back. "there we go. giddy-up, cowboy. to... what was it called? bewks?" she leans forward, hair splaying over his shoulder so she can drop a kiss against the column of his throat, working her way up to his ear. "what do you want to see me in then?" she purrs, voice low. "something lace-y maybe? or... something strappy? lots of pieces to snap or pull?" she nudges her nose against him. "or it is a color thing? what would you prefer, seeing me all dolled up in red or white?"

location : arndale shopping centre, manchester.

featuring : jude & jenny / @vongosh

“nah, this is bullshit… i swear it was here like, last week…” jude says, for the umpteenth time, pacing back and forth, jenny’s hand still locked in his, as he wracks his brain in search of the lingerie store. he’s not dragged her all the way to the arndale centre to go home empty handed — well, not entirely empty handed ; he’ll get her a sausage roll from greggs — but still, he wants to get her something special, show how much he cares. when he was fifteen, he’d saved the money from his paper round for two months to get katie elliott in the year above a nice bra for her birthday ( completely the wrong size, mind, but it’s the thought that counts). it’d feel full circle to take jenny there, passing the lacey baton from his first girlfriend to the one he hopes is his last. not that he plans on getting murdered or owt, just that he wants to have a proper go at this, them, facebook official, doing christmas at his mums, boxing day at hers, names always mentioned together like torvill and fuckin’ dean. maybe one day even kids and shit, or is he getting ahead of himself again ? “ fuck this, i’m calling aoife. ” his hand sinks into the pocket of his trackies, pulling out his phone, screen pressed against his ear as he thrums with nervous energy. “ yooo, whatsup, you know that buff ting underwear place in arndale where kayleigh lost her v-card on that year nine teacher training day ? yeah, that's it ! la senza ! where’s it gone ? s’like the sisterhood of the travelling fucking pants shop over here. ” seconds later, jude’s hanging up the phone, a dejected expression pulling down the corners of his face, features like ice cream beneath a hot september sun. “ apparently they went into liquidation in 2014. ” such a shame. katie'd always looked the absolute tits in their push-up gel bras, not that jenny needs any assistance. “ fuck sake, where are we gonna go now ? you try and do something nice for someone…” releasing her hand, her draws up a google maps search on his phone, spinning in a circle as he attempts to orientate himself. “ right. thirty yards on the left there’s sommat called boux avenue. ” naturally, he says it all wrong, pronounces the ‘x’ like a period at the end of a sentence. “ we’re not goin’ home until we’ve got you something proper stunning that makes you feel reyt good about yourself. ” linking his fingers through jenny’s, he draws her in against his side, a kiss pressed against her hairline as jude tugs her along through the precinct. his body's so close to hers that his feet are rendered clumsy, almost tripping over hers in the process, walking in a straight line rendered impossible. “ and a greggs. can’t have you goin’ back to uncle sam without having sampled the local cuisine. ”

#drugstoreglitter #jenny & jude #the first two paragraphs don't even matter #don't read them don't reply to them

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eudaem0niic · 2 years ago

Text

first time ~ kurt kunkle x reader (30k reads on wattpad!!🫶)

pairing: kurt kunkle x fem!reader

warnings: 18+, smut, mild pain kink, female receiving oral, penetration, gore, language

wc: 5.1k

note: this is an ongoing fic, updates might be added slightly later than wattpad updates (username: eudaemonic)

Backstory

You and Kurt met on a late night spree drive home. You had had a rough night, in which your boyfriend dumped you with the last words he said to you being "I don't regret cheating, fuck you", so you weren't really looking for anything. All you wanted was to go home and sleep off the post breakup slump you were experiencing.

Kurt, who at the time was your driver, seemed to continuously stare at you and, even in the dimly lit car, you could see in his eyes that it wasn't a malicious stare, nor a creepy stalker stare, it was more like something he saw triggered an emotion he'd never felt before. To him it felt euphoric, almost unreal. But in between his spurts of glances, he noticed the hurt in your face, or maybe he just saw the mascara which, unbeknownst to you, was streaked down your face. "Hey, are you- are you okay? Its just from here it looks like you've been crying.." He let out a short, almost relieved breath. It was as if he was trying to talk to you for a while but only just built up the confidence to do so. You let out a short chuckle. "Not really. My boyfriend cheated on me, then ditched me." He looks back with a frown. "Oh shit, he sounds like a dick. You don't deserve that, your like, insanely beau- i mean, your crazy pretty, he must not know what he's just lost." He stops at the red light, turns to look at you and gives a kind, inviting smile. You finally get a full view of his face, and he's cuter than you expected. His hazel eyes were half hidden by his even browner hair which, although was quite greasy, was styled in a way that cradled his face shape. His smile was slightly lopsided, giving him an almost cartoony image. And so far, he seemed like a kind-hearted and warm person. You smiled. "Thanks, your pretty cute too, Kurt." At this his face turned bright red, he had never been complimented before.

Conversation ceased from then on, until you wiped your smudged mascara and tears, since your surprisingly attractive driver had changed your mood, and climbed into the front. You caressed his now speckled pink cheek, then held his hand, which was on the gear. "So, Kurt.." You made eye contact and smiled at him to reassure the anxious look he gave you. ".. do you have a girlfriend by any chance?"

Six months in

You step up to your door, rummaging in your bag for your keys after a long day of work. You didn't expect Kurt to be there because even though he has a key, he rarely uses it since he doesn't live with you and you are normally in when he comes around. He also frequently works weekdays quite late, so seeing him dashing around cleaning for whatever reason came as a surprise. Upon hearing the door open, he looked up and grinned. "Oh hey babe!" He says ecstatically as he runs up to you to hug you. The height difference between you and him means he towers over you when he hugs you, sometimes he even picks you up. You hold on tightly to his waist as he too grapples onto you. You take a moment to inhale his smell. As always, he smells of cherry vape and aftershave. "I missed you so much." He says with a devoted tone. You chuckle. "Kurt, baby, you saw me yesterday. But i missed you too." You look up at him and smile while he kisses your forehead.

"Hey, I-uh, thought maybe, if you're not busy, we could go out tonight? Like- ...like a date? It's okay if you can't it's just.. your favourite movie is on in the drive-in tonight, I thought you might wanna go see it?" You smiled at his thoughtfulness. He's the only guy you've dated who hasn't just used you for your body. "Absolutely." His face lit up with glee, and he ran to grab his outfit that he had already planned. "Now I'm not dressing too casual but not out-to-dinner type fancy either. I bought us some matching stuff but you don't have to wear it if it's too cringey or anything, love." He walked out of the bedroom with his outfit and the matching accessories he got you both, which were a handbag for you and a matching belt for him. You gasped in awe at how pretty the bag was. It was a lilac leather bag with golden chain handles, and the belt was the same lilac leather, but with the gold chain on the side. "Oh Kurt, you really didn't have to! I love them, and you." You stand on your tiptoes to kiss him but he notices your struggle and intention, and he picks you up in a hug. Your legs grapple around his waist, while your hands go through his hair and you kiss him. His arms around you hold you tighter as to make sure he doesn't lose his grip on you. You place your head on his shoulder, and wrap your arms around his neck. Thankfully, he gets to the sofa before starting to lose balance. He runs his fingers through your hair before he lays down, with you laid on him.

There are thousands of thoughts running through both of your heads, majority of these thoughts were similar. They consist of mainly how lucky you both believe you are for meeting the other. It's a perfect relationship, you both found each other in hard times which you helped the other get through. Once Kurt admitted that before he met you, he was in fact planning a fame-seeking killing spree, which was a lot to take in, considering how innocent and kind he is to you. For Kurt, all of this was new. You were his first girlfriend, first person to compliment him, first non-family member to hug him, first kiss and maybe, he hopes, the girl who he has his first time with. He is the happiest he's ever been when hes with you, and you are all he ever thinks of. He zoned back in from his thoughts, and noticed you were asleep. "The movie isn't till late anyways." so he set an alarm, wrapped his arms around you and slept.

The drive-in

As Kurt turned into the parking lot, you saw the adverts on the large screen. You hadn't seen your favourite movie, Labyrinth, in a long time. You barely even recall telling Kurt it was your favourite movie. He pulled into a perfect spot, and pulled out some food from the back of the car. "I brought your favourite foods too, babe." He smiles, proud of himself for planning all this secretly. You smile back, to make sure he knows you are proud too. He isn't the greatest for understanding positive expressions other than a smile, just a symptom of his childhood neglect. Although it was forecast to be warm, it was surprisingly cold. Upon one of Kurt's frequent gazes at you, he notices you shivering. "Here, you can come sit on my lap if you want, hon." You climb over the things in between you and him, and sit on his lap. He wraps his arms around you, and rubs his thumbs against your waist in circular motions. His cold but smooth lips collide with your neck, and he makes a few marks before laying his head on your shoulder. He chuckles. "How did i get so lucky? It's insane." this makes you blush, and butterflies hit the sides if your stomach vigorously. You share the same viewpoint, it was as if he was destined to be working late the night you tumbled into his spree.

You were an hour and twenty minutes into the movie when you felt something against your thigh. "Um.. Kurt? Is that.." You turn around to see his deeply embarrassed face. "Oh babe don't get embarrassed!! Its okay, it's natural, nothing to be ashamed of. I'm not gonna judge you, it just sorta shocked me." You give him a reassuring smile and turn your back to the movie to hug him, trying to calm his embarrassment. "I-i'm sorry if i made you uncomfortable, i didn't mean-" you stop him from saying any more. "Kurt, love, its natural. You didn't make me uncomfortable, nor do you need to apologise." He sighs, as if letting out the shame he felt. He hugs you back tightly, then looks at you and says, "Do you wanna.. go back to your seat? You don't have to, its just.. y'know.." you chuckle. "Baby I told you it doesn't matter, it happens. I'm staying here. You give nice hugs." He lets out a smile you've never seen before. It's like a smile of acceptance. He's never been given this much reassurance over anything. He really loved you, it was something irreplaceable. You turned back around to watch the movie.

By the end of the movie, it had went down. You knew bringing it up again would embarrass him, so you forgot it ever happened and held his hand as he drove back to your house.

The sleepover

When you both got back to your house, you and Kurt sat down together. He went to check his phone, and upon opening it, furrowed his brows. You looked at him in concern. "Babe, what's wrong?" He lets out a sigh of frustration and says "Shit. It's my parents. They're arguing again." You look at him in disbelief. "Holy shit, its been happening so much recently hasn't it? Are you sure it's safe to go home? You can maybe stay here if you'd like? We haven't had a sleepover yet." His face lit up again. "Yeah, thats a good idea baby." You smiled wide, and hugged him tightly.

You and Kurt had never spent a night together mainly because, even though Kurt is a grown adult, his dad Kris refused to let him. This time was only different because he had reasoning, and it may well be the first of very few unless Kris changed his opinion on it.

After a while of cuddling on the sofa, Kurt went to have a shower. His hair got shockingly greasy very quickly, so he had to have a shower on the morning and on the night to minimise the amount of grease. While he was in the shower, you decided to take your tights and underwear off. You had a large waist, and everything was always tight. You didn't think anything of it, as its what you normally do when you get home from a night out. It wasn't long before Kurt came back in from the shower and sat next to you again. You laid your head on his shoulder, and he put his hand on your thigh. He once again did the circular thing with his thumb, he knew it gave you butterflies. You stared up at him. "Kurt.." He looked down at you, curious. You led your eyes to your tights and underwear on the floor, then looked back up at him. There was a silence as you read the gobsmacked expression on his face. He wasn't sure what to say. You put your hand on top of his, which was still on your thigh.

"You- you want me to..?" He stuttered, still almost completely speechless. "Yeah Kurt, I do. If you want to of course-" He cuts you off as he pulls you into a passionate kiss, while slowly sliding his hand up your thigh. He props your head on the arm rest while he turns you into a laid down position. His hand slowly but surely reaches your clit, placing pressure on it that makes you squeal, although it was muffled because of the fact that your mouth was still covered by Kurt's. For a virgin, he was surprisingly good. He was about to move his hand lower when you pulled back from the kiss and said, almost breathless, "Not here," you panted, "bedroom." You went to get up, but he slid one hand behind your back, and one under your legs and carried you there.

He dropped you on the bed and leaned over you. He pulled you in for another kiss, then he slowly went lower. He reached your neck and paused for a few seconds. You knew what he was doing immediately. He was leaving his mark on your neck. He then proceeded lower, and when he reached your chest, he began to unzip your dress. You got the message, and helped him pull it off, as well as your bra. You were now fully naked, while Kurt was simply shirtless. You were contemplating undressing him, but decided he would do it in his own time. He started lowering his lips again, reaching your breast. While he kissed the right one, he cupped the other in his hand and gripped it tightly. You let out a quiet moan, which shocked you. He lifted his head and chuckled in a low tone. "Pain slut, huh?" It was you this time who was speechless. You'd never seen this side of him, you didn't even know it existed. But you liked it. He smirked, and continued. As he reached your groin, you held on to the bedpost tightly. He was a virgin, but you could tell from what has already happened that what was about to happen wouldn't portray that in any way.

You felt his warm breath hit your clit. It was a strange sensation, almost like a tingle. He looked up at you lustfully with a smirk painted onto his pale pink lips. He looked back down at you and slowly went downwards, continuing to kiss your groin. It only took a few seconds before he reached you, soft moans roughened as he went from kissing to licking. His tongue seemed like less of a virgin than Kurt himself, it guided its way around your folds, hitting all the most sensitive areas with raw vigour. There was a fine line between the skill level of oral. On one side, there was being so terrible that it seems like you are just struggling to find the actual opening, and on the other side it's like theres a map of the folds engraved into your mind. Kurt was, surprisingly, the second one. You gripped tighter onto the bed frame as his tongue confidently wrapped his way around your folds and down to your entrance. His tongue mimicked the circular motion his thumb was doing on your hips and thigh earlier in the night, and it had just the same effect on you. "God. You are-" you were cut off by your own moans, "-you are good for a virgin" while saying this, you let out what you could of a laugh. His eyes came upwards to look at you, still making circles inside of you. You gripped the bed tighter, and let out a loud, shaky moan.

It wasn't long before you noticed him slowing his pace. Once it had slowed to a moderate speed, he began kissing again. He followed his previous path up to your lips. When he reached it, you tasted yourself on his throbbing tongue. He then went on to kiss your neck again, leaving more hickeys. After catching your breath, you rolled both of you over, so you were above him. You began to grind on him, holding the bed frame that was behind his head. Unhesitatingly, he pulled off his trousers, and threw them on the floor beside the bed. Just before he took off his underwear, you saw that he was getting a boner again. But this time, he didn't seem embarrassed, he looked confident, as if he didn't care. As his boxers came off, you saw his dick, and you were surprised to say the least. It was huge. He laid back and placed his hands on your hips. "Just making sure, you want this, don't you?" you nodded, still in too much awe over the length to speak. The second he got your confirmation, he didn't waste a single second and picked you up by your hips, because he could tell you were still exhausted from before. He placed you back in between his legs, allowing you to mount yourself upon him. You smirked. "Ready?" he nodded, excitement and curiosity slightly showing in his face. You began going up and down slowly. A throbbing pulse-like feeling hit your insides. Grunts emerged from the depths of Kurt's throat as you sped up. He gripped tighter on your waist, leaving marks on you. Short, breathy moans came from your mouth in groups of four or five. You held onto his shoulders, as if about to fall off a cliff. He was immense. Every time you moaned, which happened frequently, you grabbed his shoulders tighter. His groans were hoarse, as if his throat was dry. It wasn't long before you noticed him getting sloppier and slowing a bit. His groans slowly became moans, getting louder and louder. You knew what was happening. Seconds later, a warm fluid shot up inside you. It came as a shock, and you jumped a bit. He finished, and you noticed he was completely drained of energy from his droopy head. You leaned upwards, causing his dick to fall onto his lower belly. You laid on him, head on his chest. He ran his hand through your hair and kissed your forehead. He hugged you tightly and closed his eyes. You let out a small smile and did the same as him.

Morning after

You wake up to a warm breath next to your ear. You turn around to see Kurt fast asleep, face almost touching yours. You smiled contently and kissed his forehead. He mumbled as his eyes fluttered open. '"Hi babe, you okay?" you say in a high voice. You didn't know what you expected to get back, but god it sure wasn't what you got. "Hey babe, i'm good. Just tired." his voice was deep and rough. Deeper than usual. It was strangely attractive. "Well I'm not surprised, you fucking rearranged my organs." you said with a light chuckle. He lets out a proud smirk, he was surprised that he did so well for his first. 'God, I wish my dad wasn't so uptight, I'd have moved out by now if he let me.' You stay silent in thought for a moment. 'Stay here. With me. And don't ask your dad, just tell him. You're twenty-three, Kurt, he has no control over you anymore.' You push his hair out of his eyes and smile. 'You know what? You're right! Should we go tell him like.. now? Once we've gotten dressed obviously,' he chuckles lightly, 'can't go out butt naked.' You giggle and climb out of bed. Turning to the wardrobe, you pick out a comfy outfit. It's Saturday, and you thought you could have a lazy day with Kurt. He grabs yesterdays clothes from the floor and gets ready.

You both get in his car, it was closer and you were tired. His parents house wasn't far away, but it was isolated from the world. It was hidden behind a small field which was half dead and had no life whatsoever there. The house wasn't in the greatest condition either. All it was was a small bungalow, majority of which stunk of weed. The only room that didn't really smell of it was Kurt's room. He never let his drug addict of a Dad in his room, so it never smelt of his narcotics. The living room stunk of alcohol too. Another perk of living with burnt out, depressed, middle aged pricks. You grab his hand as he pulls onto the curb. 'You ready for this? There's no rush, babe.' He takes a moment to ponder, and nods. You both step out the car and meet at the edge of the path, look each other in the eyes, grab the other's hand and walk up to the door. You go to knock, but Kurt just walks in. 'Dad! We need to talk to you.' his dad turns, startled by the sudden entrance. 'No knocking, then? Huh.' he looks at us as if we were piles of dirt. He then smiles and you see a idea perk up in his small, drugged-up mind. 'So.. did you take his v-card last night? Huh? Huh?' he laughs at his immaturity and nudges you and Kurt. Kurt whacks his dad's arm. 'Dad, stop it. We are here to say.. i'm moving out. I'm gonna start living with my girlfriend.' His dad looks at him, baffled. Suddenly, an anger you've never seen before floods his face. 'Boy, you don't even know how to take care of yourself. I'm the main income. Fuck, all it takes is one shitty driver to knock your car and i'll be the only income. You need me, Kurt.' His voice got quieter as he spoke. You smiled politely, 'Actually, Kris, both me and Kurt have stable jobs. If one of us gets the sack, we still have the other to keep us on track while we look for a new job. He's gonna be fine with me.' This sent Kris into a rage. 'He will NOT be alright with you! I'm his dad, I know whats best for him, and its sure as hell not you! Get out!' Suddenly, he stormed at you. Kurt's face dropped, and he stepped in the way as quickly as he could. He knocked his dad to the ground, pinning him down while he yells. He tries hitting Kurt, but it's no use. He slowly gives up, and Kurt lets go. He hesitantly crawls back up, maintaining furious eye contact with you. He grunts and pulls a sour look, looking you up and down before shrugging and walking away. Kurt stutters as he shouts at him, 'S- so is that a yes?' 'Do whatever the fuck you want.' was the only response he got as his dad walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge for a beer. Kurt sighed, his short temper wearing out as he grabs hold of your hand and leads you out of the house. He slams the door behind you both after flipping off his dad.

He quickly wraps his arms around you.You notice tears hit your shoulder, and look up to see what was wrong. 'Hey, hey, it's okay. You did it. I'm so proud of you. I know that took a lot.' He holds you tighter while you comfort him, and you both stand in each others arms for a moment. You tapped his back and signalled to the car. He sniffled his nose and nodded. As the car pulled away from the drive, you saw Kris running towards the car, hammer in his hand. He hit the back window with a harsh force. Glass covered the back seats, the boot, and the area at the back of the car. Kurt spun in his seat, a look of shock and anger rose up into his face. He looked away angrily for a moment, paused, and grabbed his gun from the arm rest. 'Kurt, don-' he cut you off by grabbing your arm with an aggression you never expected from him. 'Stay out of this.' He looked back at you for a second, and turned to his car door. You reached for his arm again, shaking with fear, but he was out of the car before you could get to him. You turned swiftly to where he was now storming towards. Kris saw him behind him, and ran towards your window. As he aimed the hammer towards you, you closed your eyes and covered your head to brace yourself. Almost immediately, you heard a thud on the ground and a loud, pained grunt. 'You know what dad? I'm sick to death of you treating me like I'm your fucking little kid. I'm an adult, and I know how to act like one. I'm tired of dealing with your bullshit, your drunken pickups from shitty ass clubs miles from here, your lack of caring until you need me, honestly, i'm just sick of you. You gave me nothing as a kid, you kinda learn how to care for yourself when your mom is a prostitute and your dad is a drug addict. You know, I don't think i've needed you since I was fucking five. I've hated you my whole life, i'm only acting on it now because i've realised you never did shit all for me, you just acted like you did. I'm done with your bullshit. You won't ever come near me or my girlfriend again, and i'm gonna make sure of that right now.' By now you had opened your eyes, and were watching Kurt stand over his dad, who was cowering on the ground. Slowly, he aimed the gun at Kris. You slammed the window, screaming at him to stop. He ignored your yelling and continued pointing it at him. He wasn't shaking or twitching like he normally does. He was visibly confident in what he was doing, and it was showing how long he had been waiting to do this. You decided to stop trying to stop him, you knew it was no use, yet your eyes were moving back and forth between the shaking man on the floor and the boyfriend who you thought you knew. You watched Kurt stare into his dad's horrified eyes with a look that seemed almost psychopathic. Tension and horror built up inside you as you watched him slowly pull the trigger. Suddenly, you flinched, and when your eyes reopened you saw Kris laid on the floor, blood surrounding his lifeless body. Kurt looked back at you, a look of terror and regret on his face as he realised what you had just seen him do. He hesitated for several moments before zoning back in and rushing towards his car door. 'We- we need to go.' 'Kurt; what the fuck did you-' 'We need,' he turned the engine on, 'to go.' He sped along the road and dashed through traffic to get to your house. You could barely get a word out about what just happened, so you sat in silence.

Cars honked aggressively at Kurt's speed, their even angrier drivers cursing and flipping him off. 'Fuck you too, cunts!' He yelled out of his momentarily open window. Tears welled in your widened eyes, shaking as you turned slowly to look at him for the first time since he shot Kris. He looked at you swiftly before looking away, then he peered over again. 'I-' he let out a deep breath, 'I'm sorry you had to see that, it won't ever happen again. I love you, okay?' he shot you a quick attempt at a reassuring smile before reaching for your hand. You couldn't move away, you were still frozen in devastation. The rest of the ride blurred in your mind; you zoned out and didn't hear anything else. What you had just seen happen changed everything. Your head was flooded yet empty at the same time. Who was Kurt? Or, alternatively, who was he becoming and what would it do to you?

Change of plans

Kurt's cold hand grabbed your shoulder and shook you to try pull you out of whatever reality you were in. His hand seemed strangely unfamiliar, you weren't sure you recognised your own boyfriend anymore. 'Babe, get up, we need to get in the house and think about this.' You twisted yourself around swiftly. 'We? What part in this did I have?! I sat and watched my boyfriend, whom I thought I knew, kill his own father after begging him to stop and suddenly it's we?! What the fuck, Kurt? Who are you? Give me one good reason why I don't walk away and tell the cops right now.' At this, his face changed. It was less of a concern for him and more of an concern towards you. He was shocked. 'I- well- because I love you, I did that for you.' You scoffed. 'I didn't ask you to do that. You did that on your own accord.' He fumbled around for a moment and grabbed your hands. 'I- I did what I thought was right- I didn't want him to hurt you- I care about you!' You let out a deep breath, and try to calm yourself. You don't know how or why, but you somewhat understand why he did what he did; he didn't have anyone there for him his whole life, and he had just faced a scenario that made him suddenly terrified of losing you. The anger, confusion and shock you had simmered and you let in a bit of empathy.

'Kurt. There were other ways of protecting me.' 'I- I know but I was scared! I wasn't thinking straight. You have to believe me!' He tugged at your hands desperately. 'Kurt, I believe you,' You take another breath, 'I just don't understand why you didn't do something else.' He looks down, you weren't sure if he felt guilt or if he was confused by his actions. 'I wasn't thinking straight,' His voice was less erratic and more relaxed, 'I was scared, angry, upset, it was just- I didn't know how to react. My first reaction was to protect you.' 'You still killed someone, Kurt. That's like, one of the worst crimes you could do.' He covers his face with his hands. 'Shit. I know. I'm so stupid. Why didn't i just fucking drive off.' You take his hand from his face and hold it tightly, with your other hand on top. 'I'm not sure what I'd need to do to stop you from being put in prison, but I'm going to try to prevent it. I don't care what happens to me, if you are willing to do what you did for me, I'm willing to do this for you.' He looks up at you, his face a jumbled up mix of relief, joy and surprise. 'Babe I can't- I don't want you being in trouble too. It's safest for you to-' You cut him off with a swift kiss. 'I don't care what's safe and what isn't, I'm doing this for you. No matter what it takes, babe.' Part of you couldn't believe you were doing this, but it was obvious. You were head over heels for this man, and he was the most amazing guy you'd ever met. It was a once in a lifetime experience you weren't planning on losing. And as long as you had any say in it, you most certainly wouldn't lose it.

#kurt kunkle #joe keery #spree #the lesson #smut #joe keery x reader #kurt kunkle x reader #stranger things #joe keery x you #kurt kunkle x you #fem!reader #spree x reader

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