#{{ i feel live one of those people who make their life better by journaling omg }}

[arielleslipgloss]

It Girl Habits!!

(none of these photos are mine)

“You cannot live your life to please others. The choice must be yours.” - Anne Hathaway

Stay busy!! Do you see those it girls like Serena Van Der Woodsen scrolling on their phone all day? No, you rarely do. It girls are always busy doing something. So, therefore do some self care, study, workout, read, journal, go shopping, go on solo dates, hang out with friends, paint, have a dance party, etc. Do fun activities and take care of yourself. Another example of a busy it girl is, Elle Woods. Elle Woods wasn’t becoming one with the couch everyday. She had goals to achieve. She had people that doubted her to prove wrong. So get up! Start planning out your day or week. Start making goals!!

Have goals! You wanna know why you’re bored all the time? Well, it’s because you have no goals. You practically don’t have a life because all you do is sleep, eat, scroll, and repeat. You’re wasting time doing nothing. You could’ve had a clean room by now. Maybe you could have finished that book. Whatever it is, you could have had it. You could’ve been 1% better than yesterday. You don’t though because you have no goals. That time you’re wasting, can be used toward your goals. It can be used toward your dream life. Maybe, you do have goals? Yet you don’t even take action. What are you waiting for? For someone to do the work for you? No, get up and start taking action.

Be mindful of what you consume online!! Just like how who you surround yourself with affects you. What you consume online affects how and who you are. For example, listening to sad music makes you feel sad. Music is meant to tell a story that you feel deeply. You may not even relate to the song, but you feel as if you do. So, you become sad and continue to listen to sad music. When listening to uplifting music you gain confidence. You still feel like you relate to the song. Just with a more positive effect. As for what you watch and read. Don’t read/watch stuff that will put you down. Watch/read content that will help you.

Complimenting yourself every time you pass the mirror!! Some may say it’s cringy, but DO IT. Would you rather be cringy or be the best version of yourself? Exactly, so either say it out loud or in your head. Say it even if you might not believe it. Say it because you deserve it! Try to be creative with your compliments. Not all compliments have to be about your looks. It could be your personality, your thoughtfulness, how creative you are, etc. Also loosen up, be your own hype girl. When you see the mirror you could say, “Omg I look like the main character.” “Oh wait, I am!” Lastly, don’t forget to have fun with hyping yourself up.

Mediating or journaling when stressed!! When stressed we start to feel a lot of tension. So, that’s why meditating is so important to do when stressed. All you have to do is sit down and focus on breathing. Plus, It calms down your nerves, relaxes the mind, body, and soul. Not just that, but plenty of other benefits. Which includes, helps focus, betters mood, helps you sleep, slows down aging, etc. As for journaling, it’s practically free therapy! That is, at least in my eyes. All you need is a notebook, a pen or pencil, and yourself. Journal what’s making you stressed or anxious. Let all your emotions out, write freely. Your words don’t have to make sense. Nor do you need to have perfect writing. In fact, when you journal it may be all over the place. However or whatever you write, just let it out.

Expressing your gratitude!! Life is so beautiful and has so much meaning. So, either write down what you’re grateful for or thank God. You are so blessed to be here today. That is only just one thing to be grateful for. There are so many things to be grateful for, air, family, friends, your mind, being born as you, water, books, food, shoes, clothes, and so much more!! Express your gratitude everyday. It could be the most random thing like, a poster. As long as you’re truly grateful, then express it.

7. Having a low screen time!! Cliché, I know but it’s true. Your devices are consuming you. Think about what you use your device(s) for. Good examples are, for work, for motivation, tips, workout videos, inspiration, knowledge, and maybe even faith reasons. Now here are bad examples, procrastinating, sinning, hating on others, scrolling, because you’re bored, to watching videos of people that make you insecure, and lastly to cope with something. Which to clarify, trying to cope by using your phone, I understand somewhat. On the other hand, it could make what you’re coping with worse. I say that because there are so many studies on why our phone is bad for us. Seriously, so many and we are completely unaware of the damage it does. So for that reason, try to use your phone only for the good. I know you’re probably going to make an excuse. Which we all do and that’s ok, but please try.

8. Encouraging yourself to do better!! You should always be working hard to be 1% better everyday. So on the days you don’t feel like doing anything, encourage yourself. Show up for yourself, you will be so happy after. Lastly, trust yourself to get whatever done!!

9. Having a healthy sleep schedule!! For me, I try to aim for 8-11 hours of sleep. For others, it may be 7-10 hours of sleep. Whatever makes you feel the most well-rested should work. Just try to be consistent and mindful of the time. I also recommend to be off your phone for at least 30-60 minutes before going to bed. It will improve how you sleep a lot. That also being said, try not to be on your phone when you wake up either. It’ll help improve your health by a lot. Especially, the health of your brain and eyes. As I had mentioned, try to be consistent. Set a certain time to go to bed and turn off your phone. Then, get your lovely beauty sleep gorgeous!!

10. CLEANING!! The last habit is, cleaning. Now, I don’t just meaning cleaning your room or house. I mean even your body and mind. For starters, a clean room equals a clean mind. Therefore, stop procrastinating and start cleaning. Turn on some fun music and maybe even romanticize cleaning. Just make it fun and DEEP clean. I know someone reading this has been procrastinating on cleaning. You know who you are, so clean everything. Then, for cleaning the mind a little extra meditate. I feel like I already went over a bit about meditation. So lastly, for the body, take your showers consistently. Also, please wear deodorant. I see way too many people nowadays not wearing deodorant. Seriously, wear your deodorant.

“Always walk around like you have on an invisible tiara on.” - Paris Hilton

Remember, always apply lip gloss and stay pretty! Love you, dolls 💋

Info I used: https://reallifecounseling.us/blog/benefits-of-meditation

My Pinterest: @arielleslipgloss

[voxvulgi]

the rules: answer the questions given to you, write 11 questions of your own and tag 11 people.

under the cut for length

tagged by: @growinguphartless

1) How fast can you run a mile? I can’t :D 2) What was the last song you sang? I know I was singing something under my breath this afternoon but I don’t remember what it was. 3) Water, toothpaste, brush OR Toothpaste, water, brush? Toothpaste, water, brush. 4) Sushi? Favorite dish? Sushi is great. If you mean my favourite kind of sushi, then I have no idea. If you mean my favourite dish of all time, probably basic takeout Chinese ngl. 5) Weirdest fact? Dolphins kill babies to mate with the mother when they’re horny. (AKA dolphins are actually evil) 6) What do you know a lot about that’s a little weird? That’s the thing: I don’t know a lot about anything. Except maybe you could say I know a little more than the average person about schizophrenia thanks to Jacqueline? 7) Ever kept up with the Kardashians? No. 8) Earliest memory? I have no idea which one happened first, but one of my earliest memories is that one time we were in Egypt and my parents went into a store while I was still looking at the display outside, and some random guy comes up and says nothing to me but extends his hand. Now, my 4(?)-year-old self thought he knew I was a tourist (bc of course he’s psychic) and wanted to shake my hand. But I was too busy checking the display and decided to shake his hand when I was done. Then, my mom calls me and I go inside without doing so. And that, my dudes, is the story of how I didn’t get kidnapped. 9) Guilty Pleasure SONG? Shake It Off by Taylor Swift 10) Item of clothing you NEVER wear? LONG SKIRTS. 11) Favorite musical? I don’t have one.

tagged by: @cupido-periculosa

1) Describe another muse or OC that you have and aren’t playing right now! I guess you can call my son Ivan an OC. He’s one of those bitter characters, a little on the dark side. His loyalty levels are higher than Hailey on faerie drugs, but those are reserved for only two people, one of which is no longer in his life. Otherwise, he is not trusting and will form a bond with another person with difficulty. Something happened to him when he was 16 that set his cynicism in stone; he was betrayed by the people he was putting himself on the line to protect. So from now on, he’ll only work hard to ensure the safety and wellbeing of one person only. In case anything happens to this person, his next motivation would be revenge. 2) Sci-fi, romance, action, horror, or genre-of-your-choice movies, and why? Don’t judge me, but probably dramas/thrillers. I like to watch them on my solo movie nights with an extremely unhealthy snacks, but they’re not always good and I usually just watch them when I’m familiar with an actor or two. 3) What’s a book (or any piece of media) that really struck you and made you reconsider something about yourself, your life, or your opinions? I haven’t really acted on what it taught me yet, but Love Letters To The Dead by Ava Dellaira really stuck with me. I always give myself shit for things not playing out exactly how they’re supposed to, and this book just screamed at me really loudly that there is no such thing as “supposed to.” It’s also a good reminder that even the brightest heroes burn out sometimes. 4) All passions and interests start somewhere. When did you start writing and what made you want to start? I started writing when I was an 11-year-old living in her daydreams and realised I could use my imagination to actually write a story and maybe make a very cool job out of it. 5) What’s the ideal life for you? Again, don’t laugh!! But It’s quite honestly a cliche life in a small apartment in a city where rain is frequent. I’m writing for a living and going to conferences about something I care about (mental!!! illness!!!!) and have enough money to give my mom all the nice things she deserves. I’ve met all my favourite tumblr buddies and can afford to see them when I’m near their town for work purposes. I’m married to someone who reminds me why I ever had a poetry phase and I have a cat. And maybe actually go to the gym. 6) What show/book/movie do you look at and immediately get hit by a wave of nostalgia? Playhouse Disney stuff!! Little Einsteins, Rollie Pollie Ollie, and this Arabic cartoon channel called Spacetoon where I used to watch Teen Titans and Justice League. 7) What inspired your current muse(s)? (multis pick one, or your main one, if you don’t want to go down the entire list) Supernatural. I mean, obviously, Hailey was a Supernatural OC until like two weeks ago. I was really invested in the show when I made her, and when I am invested, I usually imagine what it would have been like if I inserted a character into this show. Like, what if there was a badass hunter called X who appeared in episode Y, OR WHAT IF THE WINCHESTERS HAD A SISTER. I was really interested in Adam, but we know nearly nothing about him to begin with, and he died even before he was introduced, and I would rather never eat rice again than RP a canon character, so *shrug emoji* 8) Very unoriginal but whose writing style do you really admire? @aworldfullofmuses and @the-storm-within-me I have one word for the likes of you: HOW???? 9) Ideal way to spend your birthday? Have cake with my classmates and go out to dinner with the fam sounds great, but one time, my mom bought me a cake and made an academic cap out of cardboard (I was almost done with high school) with candles on it and got me lenses as a present!! And as cheesy as this sounds, nothing I could do for my birthday (not even a trip to Disneyland, you hear??) would beat something small my mom got out of her way to make for me. 10) What’s a plot you’ve always wanted to do with your muse(s)? Anything with a Sam or Dean tbh, but I guess *shrug emoji* 11) What’s a casual interest of yours that when it comes up, you still like it and are passionate about it, but don’t devote a lot of energy to? ?????coffee?? idk Cip, I’m an all-or-nothing kind of person. (which is to say, nothing at all, ever, i am not a human being)

my questions:

1) What’s your favourite trip you’ve been on? 2) Who’s your favourite superhero? 3) What did you want to become when you were 10? 4) Who’s the first muse you’ve RPed on Tumblr? 5) Recommend a book, movie, or video game. 6) How many siblings do you have? 7) If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? 8) If your muse(s) could change one thing about themselves, what would it be? 9) If your muse(s) were given the chance to punch you, would they? 10) You start getting paranoid when your phone battery reaches __%. 11) Finally, any life advice for my fetus self?

tagging: @elysiahellfire @ribbedxgloves @survivics @endlessdrifter @aworldfullofmuses @the-storm-within-me @scarredhistory @ericbrandonrp @warrioroflondonbelow @qoldhearted @notaseamonster

[wizkiddx]

hiii!!! omg please please pleasee do a part two of 3 hearts broken cus it fucking slaps miss girl

part 2 to 3 broken hearts!!! ive been so 🥺 at all the lovely comments+interest pt 1 had so thanku all !

summary: serious serious angst again will tom somehow get it back (unlike looking cos boy is a fool)

warnings: again lots of swearing (im British sorry not sorry) / wayyyy too much tea / slating Dom abit (obvs fictional but idk if I like the guy sorry his opinions are :/) / commitment issues

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

read part 1 here!!!!

That was three days ago now. Three days since you'd spoken to your boyfrien- well, Tom. It wasn't evident what the situation was.

The typical British weather brought with it the most ironic pathetic fallacy you could ever see. The clouds were dark and glooming, firing angry pellets of rain out as hard as they could. When you had pulled up on the roadside, it had just been a light drizzle but synchronised with your anxiety levels rising - so did the rain. When you finally opened up the car door, you threw your hoodie open with a sigh before running up the pathway to the front door.

It was the same burgundy red that you knew so well, but this time instead of just letting yourself in - you stood in the rain used the brass knocker thing twice. To be honest, you were hoping that no one was home - but in that house, it was pretty unlikely. After 30 seconds of getting drenched in the downpour, you were about to let yourself in with the spare key before the door swung open.

"Oh! Er Y/n?"

"Yeh um hi." You had to shout a bit over the sound of what must now be classified as a storm.

"Toms not-"

"I know. Can I come in?" As awkward and stunted as this conversation was, if you didn't get out of the rain asap you would literally end up drowned.

“Oh er yeh-yeh yeh come in.”

Harry stammered as he held the door open, gesturing for you to enter into the tiled hallway. Gratefully, you followed, throwing your sopping wet hood back down and wiping your feet on the floor.

"Sorry for just showing up, but I left some scripts here. My management are on my arse to read them and-"

"And you waited till Tom left for mum and dads?" The fluffy-haired boy has caught you red-handed; there was no defence, so you didn't even try.

Because yes, you knew on a Friday afternoon when Tom was home he would always, like clockwork, go to his parents just to kick back and watch gogglebox with both of them. It was only natural then that you chose Friday afternoon to come and pick up your stuff.

"I've been waiting in my car for half an hour till I saw him leave." Harry half laughed at that, still the two of you standing opposite each other in the hallway. "Um, do you… do you hate me Harry?"

Clearly, he hadn't quite been expecting your question going by the way his eyes almost bugged out his head.

"No, I-I, of course, I don't… look, I'm home alone so you fancy a cuppa?" Not being able to help the small chuckle, you nodded appreciatively, following Harry through the house.

"Your answer to everything is tea."

Harry had prepared the two mugs in silence as you sat at the table waiting patiently - if nervously too. You didn't miss how Harry had still used your favourite mug, having had to dig through the cupboard to find the weird square-shaped thing. Once done, he rounded the kitchen island and placed it in front of you, which you instantly cradled in two hands - for the hope of warming you up.

"You cold?" Obviously, it was pretty evident that sitting in your rain-soaked hoodie was not cosy at all. "Hang on a sec."

The boy sprung up again, returning moments later with a hoodie in hand, one he offered out to you with a little smile. The issue was that him and Tom shared clothes, so the hoodie he was kindly offering to you also had been worn by Tom before. Which made it hurt a little bit to wear. It was better than sitting soaked through though.

"How have you been then?"

"Not the best, to be honest, but uh… how about you?"

"Being with Tom while he's fighting with you? Oh, it's a barrel of laughs. You might've escaped it, but I haven't." He was trying to lighten the mood, and you appreciated it, offering him a half-smile that didn't really meet your eyes.

"Yeh sorry about that."

"Don't apologise; it doesn't sound like it's your fault Y/n."

That surprised you. Tom, especially when he was in moods like he was when you argued, wasn't one to admit when he was wrong. It was usually how the world was against him and how he was so hard done by. Accepting responsibility was something he hadn't said to you yet - but at least, small steps.

"He say that?"

"Pretty much… doesn't seem like he's angry at you, but-but he's still angry."

"At the world?" You rolled your eyes; this seemed to be the same old Tom through and through. Still immature. Still not with the right mindset.

"At himself." Harry countered, slightly entertained, when he saw the flash of surprise in your face as he sipped his drink. "And me… if I dare to so much as breathe this week."

This time you properly laughed, and Harry joined in too before the room fell back to silence - except the noise of the rain hitting the garden patio slats. You swirled the tea round in your mug, feeling the brunette's eyes on you. He'd always been your fake little brother too, since you'd met the Hollands way back 3 and a half years ago. Tom and yourself were barely adults, which meant the twins were still proper children. Harry had always been the one that understood you. Hollands, by nature, loved humans - loved to talk, to chat, to gossip. But sometimes, doing all that socialising got too much for you, as it did for Harry. He was the only one that seemed to understand social exhaustion. So when those moments had hit, you'd kept each other company in silence.

He got you, sometimes in ways your own boyfriend didn't.

"You know why he got so worked up, right?" You shook your head, looking up curiously. "Dad got under his skin on his birthday zoom thing."

Ah, now that did seem to coincide with the start of Tom's more petulant phase. To be fair, Tom had been asking to move in together for near enough a year now - but it was only in the past month it seemed to be the only thing you'd talk about and obviously only three days since the flight back. Dom's birthday barely a week ago, whilst you and Tom were both filming - except Tom had managed to get a day off where you hadn't. So you hadn't heard this conversation.

"What'd he say?"

"Was talking about how he and mum were settling down at Toms age, joked about how you rejected him, said maybe you were holding out for something better."

"Something better?" Harry sighed, leaning forward onto his elbows.

"He'd seen an article just off a trashy tabloid… it named you Hollywood's golden girl or something, said you could have the pick of any person on the planet…"

Of all the people in the world, why is Tom affected by shit journalism? He knows how much bullshit people write. He knows how it's all made up, exaggerated nonsense. And what he should know, completely and totally, is how much you love him. And if he didn't, was that your fault? Had you done something wrong, something to make him doubt you?

Harry seemed to notice the internal dialogue going on in your head, adding to the point. "It wasn't the article though, it was the fact dad said it."

Hmmm.

You and Dom got on; it wasn't like you hated the possible future father in law or whatever. Just…. you had very different outlooks. As much as Tom prided himself on how' grounded his family keeps him' -to you at least, they aren't entirely at sea level either. They'd never really had any particular struggles in life. They were the definition of middle class, and that's about it. They lived in a posh suburb of London, had all their family still around. It was the perfect family.

And whilst you were in no illusions about how privileged your life was now. It hadn't always been. You'd never had the 'nuclear' family. Instead, only your dad and a string of dodgy and fleeting stepmothers while struggling to make ends meet. So you were just always wary of Dom, of his opinions that so often his boys took for gospel. They always seemed pretty sheltered and close-minded.

And yet, Tom was a grown man.

"I get that, I just… Tom should know that we know more about our relationship than his dad. I mean,… have I done something wrong? Made him think I'm not in this for the long haul?"

"No nonono Y/n he's just… well he's an idiot, isn't he? I don't think he properly understands why you're cautious about moving and everything. He's just an idio- "

Harry was cut off for lightly insulting his brother by the sound of the front door opening, both of your heads swivelling towards the source. You then met Harry's eyes in a panic, to which he replied relatively simply.

"Just talk to each other. For my sake." You would've argued if it weren't for the fact you were so focused on Tom's shuffling around in the entrance hallway - back early from his parents.

"Baz? Where you at? I thought I saw Y/n's car and-"

"Kitchen!!!" Before Tom could say anything else, possibly landing himself in more trouble, Harry interrupted as his chair screeched while standing up. And then Tom was just there. Standing in the doorway, his arms dropping limply to his side as he noticed you. Everything about that moment seemed to freeze, when you locked eyes with him for the first time in three days. It didn't go unnoticed, the way his Adams apple bobbed, the way his eyes widen. The boy looked plain and simply terrified.

It was Harry who broke the silence, after giving you a stern look that said 'stay'. The younger Holland boy walked up to Tom and spoke.

"Try actually talking and actually listening about your problems with each other." And then he was gone, down the hallway and up the stairs.

For a few moments, Tom stayed absolutely stationary, now staring at where Harry had been when speaking to the both of you (but mainly Tom). Long enough to put your sense of unease at an all-time high, ready to make a break for it.

"If you don't want to talk, then I can leav-"

"NO!" Apparently snapping out of it, Tom exclaimed loud enough to make you flinch from your seat. "Sorry! I-I just… I wasn't expecting to… you know, to see you."

"Yeh I just uh- just came to pick up some scripts… Harry cornered me with a tea, though; otherwise, I'd be…."

"Baz thinks the whole world could be fixed with tea."

"that's what I said!" You instinctively responded, forgetting the fact you're supposed to be mad at him, and just for a second falling back into your normal flow.

Tom didn't even try to hide his grin in response, until you quickly corrected your face- then he did too. Turning around to put the kettle on for himself. Because right now, he needed to fix his whole world, and he needed all the help he could get. For a period, the only noise was the sound of the kettle boiling, then the teaspoon clinking against the mug as he stirred - until he padded over, taking the seat across from you.

"So."

"So."

"It's been a while," Tom stated the bloody obvious.

"You never called."

"Didn't think you'd want me to."

You thought that the early signs weren't all that auspicious. His ability to read a situation once again failing.

"I wanted you to say something."

"Say what?"

"What do you think Tom?" He replied to the sarcastic tone by sucking in a sharp breath, holding it for a second, before slowly exhaling. As if trying to compose himself, take time to think of a response - a mature move for him.

"Well, I think you want me to say sorry? For being so moody and not waiting for you and for upsetting those kids. And thanks too, for covering for me?"

You just hummed. Waiting for him to continue. Because yes, you did deserve all those things. But you also deserved more. An apology for, oh I don't know, saying he didn't think you loved him? It was a wait that never ended, he had nothing more to add.

"Going by your face, I take it I missed something?"

The bloody cheek of it.

"Theres nothing else? Nothing else at all? …" You gave him that chance, the opportunity but all he could respond with was a shake of his head. "You thought I was fine about you saying that I don't love you?" You hadn't intended on raising your voice, but really you hadn't realised you did till after the fact. To blinded by rage at his ignorance.

"You want to talk about this now?"

"When else Tom?" You sighed, realising he perhaps wasn't ready for this conversation. Maybe he needed more time to think things through, have sense talked into him by various wiser family members. Or maybe, he never would be. That was the worst-case scenario. But also… you're most likely prediction.

He shuffled in his seat, clearing his voice but not saying anything. Not a peep.

"I have spent three years of my life with you. I've had countless nights of too little sleep because that was the only time you could facetime. I've exposed my relationship to the world and people's opinions because you didn't want to hide. All I've done is love you. How could you even say that?" There might've been tears in your eyes, yet you were determined to keep them at bay. You needed to have this out, one way or another, to be clear and cohesive and logical. No time to cry.

"Y/n I know that, I…" He sighed, instinctively reaching for your hand, but you were quicker to pull it away. There was hurt in his eyes, but so there should be. "It just sometimes feels like that's it for you. That yeh you love me but you just want to standstill. That this is as much as it'll ever be."

Your emotions were suddenly uncontainable. Your voice croaked as you whispered, "Have I done something wrong?"

"No love, nonono if that's how you feel then that's okay. But it's something I'm not… shit this is hard." He took a pause to take a sip of his drink, your glazed eyes never leaving his. "I don't think I can stand still anymore. And yeh I was pissy and childish the other day because my dad got under my skin about the whole moving in thing… But these past few days, it just has got me thinking. Because I love you, so much."

This time when he reached out to grab your hand, you actually leaned into it yourself. Not because you were giving in, but because this hurt. This hurt so fucking much that you needed something to ground you, or else god knows. Because the way he was speaking, it sounded so finite.

"I love you too."

"I do know, which is…is why this is so hard." At the very least, Tom had conceded that.

The conversation ceased to silence yet again. The room felt so cold; even Tom/Harry's hoodie was doing nothing to keep you from the endless empty cold that seemed to be coming from within.

"When I re-registered my health card last month, and I made you my emergency contact on it. I-I made you my next of kin on everything actually. I didn't think about it twice. And-and this-"You pulled your phone out of your back pocket, immediately pulling up the app onto the open page. "This is my Pinterest board for our baby's nursery theme. I know-" You paused, to quickly wipe your cheeks clear of the tear tracks that may or may not have been there. "I know it's probably a long way away, but I just love the Scandinavian theme." You laughed at yourself, suddenly embarrassed at your blabbering and quickly pulled up a different app. "And this… this was from the other week when I was helping Y/bf/n start her vows." Hands trembling as you turned the phone around for Tom to see again. "She was finding it really tricky so she said, what would you say to Tom on your wedding, so-so I made this list." You only dared to look at him when you were sure he'd be reading through that note.

It was bizarre because he looked… well, he looked happy. Here you were feeling traumatised, showing things that you'd barely even deeped how committed they were - and he was pleased? Feeling the fire burn once again inside of your chest, you quickly swiped the phone away and back into your pocket. Only then did he look up, eyes widening - presumably at quite how psychotic you looked.

"So don't you dare say that I don't want a future with you."

You said it with such force, there was a pause. Tom letting those words sink deep into his brain. The way his expression flickered minutely gave you hope. You thought he got it. You thought he really understood now.

"But why don't you want to move in then?"

There it was again. He knew why. But he didn't get it. And, probably, he never would.

You were about to crash completely. So you ran. As fast as your legs could carry you, not even aware of your chair crashing to the floor in your wake. You ran out of that house and away from him. Away from who you had thought was the love of your life.

?give tom a final chance w one last part?

feedback is always v v appreciated <3

tom taglist : @lovehollandy12 @hollandlover19 @thefernandasantana @hunnybunimdun @hallecarey1@cedricdiggorysimpp @msmimimerton @hollandfanficlove @pandaxnienke @crossyourpeter @thegirlwiththeimpala @tom-softie @sunwardsss @spiitfiiires @radcloudenthusiast @ladykxxx08

people i think might be interestd in this (sorry if not just let me know and i'll remove the tag!!!): @obiwanownsmyass @wildxwidow @parkersvogue @coffeewithoutcaffeine @tomhollandlol @thefallenbibliophilequote @clumsymandu @hiraethenthusiast @mannien @abrielleholland @evermorehabit @niallberry @greatpizzascissorstaco @runawayolives @annathesillyfriend @letsgotothemoonlight @lovelybarnes

[samuel-de-champagne-problems]

It's Delicate: Part II

Summary: Spencer Reid finds himself at a gas station at 2:00 am, thinking he’s only leaving with a cup of crappy coffee. But something taped to the door catches his eye. Spencer leaves the gas station with more than he intended: the chance at a friend, and maybe something more along the way.

Word Count: 3.6 k

Author’s Note: Here's the second part in It's Delicate, my first chapter fic. I've planned out kind of where I see this eventually going! Thank you to anyone who reads, likes, comments, and reblogs. It really means the world to me.

Content Warnings: Expletive language (3 uses), mentions of drug use, sexual innuendo

READ PART I

It's Delicate Masterlist

It's Delicate

Sitting on the plane, Spencer looks out from the little window. For hours, there’s been nothing but corn fields and clouds. It’s eerily peaceful, being there high above the clouds. His whole life Spencer has felt this distance between him and everyone else, but nothing makes that feeling more prominent than being strapped in a glorified metal box 35,000 feet off the Earth’s surface. But the thing is, Spencer does need to be flying above the trees to feel lonely. He can do that with two feet on the ground.

Luke sits across Spencer, the table between them and a deck of playing cards are spread out across its surface. He has to nudge Spencer’s leg from under the table, trying to bring him back to reality as he stares out the window.

“Whatcha thinking,” Luke asks, Spencer has been noticing more and more that Luke is one of the few people that actually listens to him.

Spencer, whose mind is racing too fast to even formulate an articulate thought, attempts to dodge Luke’s question with a noncommittal shrug.

“Reid, these cases are hard for all of us, you gotta know that man,” Luke says, laying down a four of a kind.

Spencer narrows his eyes, shocked that it hasn’t clicked yet for the rest of the team. He cracks his neck, preparing to answer Luke.

“We almost locked up an innocent man, Alvez. I almost sent another man to the same fate as myself. What kind of fucked up message is that?” Spencer says, throwing down the cards on the table. He doesn’t wait for Luke to respond.

“I fold,”

Spencer walks off into the small kitchenette to make a cup of coffee. He doesn’t want to think about his increased reliance on coffee, because he knows it’s a hot cup of coffee or a cold needle of Dilaudid in his veins. Spencer checks his watch, it’s 10:17 pm, maybe too late to find a meeting at a church or rec center somewhere.

He sneaks a peak at his phone, which was still unfortunately on Airplane Mode, he hasn’t even gotten a chance to see if Y/N has responded. He doesn’t know much about her, just as much as she knows about him.

It’s a brave new world for Spencer and he’s knee deep into the unknown.

Spencer can feel Luke’s eyes on him. He just knows that the minute he gets home, a certain tech expert will be ringing him. He knows that it’s Luke’s way of caring, but for someone who’s been alone for so long, having people that actually care is almost drowning.

Walking back to his seat, Spencer hands Luke a coffee. He smiles slightly; it’s the awkward smile that he used to make when intimating police chiefs and idiot cops would look him up and down like he’s a TA. It’s a peace offering for Luke, who despite his tough looking exterior, is one of the kindest people Spencer knows.

“Look, Reid. I’m sorry that we didn’t put it together. It’s just that man that we caught, he’s not like you. He’s not innocent of crimes, he’s just innocent of this crime,” Luke says in an attempt to make Spencer feel a little bit better.

“The thing is Luke, I’m exactly like that man,”

Spencer returns to staring out the window. The cards and the coffee on the table are long ignored for the silence that is found when you’re high above the clouds.

--

Spencer hears Tara and Emily murmur quietly about going out for a round of drinks. Luke accepts, while JJ and Matt decline, eager to get home to their families. Emily looks over at Spencer, her eyes silently scanning him, his body language. Spencer knows that there’s nothing he can hide from Emily, so there’s no use in trying to pretend he’s alright when she can take one look at him and know that nothing is right.

“You guys have fun, I’m going to head home and get some sleep. I plan on visiting my mom tomorrow and mornings are usually better for her,” Spencer says, slinging his go bag around his shoulders and making the trek back to the security to check out.

He walks slowly, enjoying the sound of the crickets chirping as he trudges along. Spencer tries not to think about the man, Richard, who was almost locked up for a crime that he didn’t commit. Spencer is pretty sure that being the person to throw an innocent man in jail is worse than being the innocent man in jail.

Spencer’s phone buzzes loudly, disturbing the silence of his walk. He looks at the phone to see a couple of messages from Y/N. Spencer slides open the lock to his phone and hits the button to read her messages.

Y/N: Spencer...that has a nice ring to it. So tell me a little bit about yourself. Your big three, but as books. Go! 🌞🌙⬆️

Furrowing his brow, Spencer reads the message over again. He does not have a clue what “big three” means, but it seems like some sort of pop culture thing that he’s not skilled in. He wants to text Garcia for a translation, but he’s also not too keen on telling her how he came across Y/N’s number.

Y/N: I assume you’re working, but I'm kind of impatient so I’ll give you mine 🙃 I’m a Little Women sun, an Emma moon, and an In Cold Blood rising.

Y/N: Oh no….I hope my astrology didn’t turn you off

Y/N: Not that I was trying to turn you on

Y/N: omg Y/N please shut the fuck up

Astrology? Spencer isn’t one to judge, but he’s a scientist first and foremost. The idea that there is something written about him in the stars seems like ludicrous. He decided to ignore the other messages, particularly the ones with a little more than slight innuendo.

Spencer: Y/N- I’m sorry I just got out of work. As for my big three, I’m not sure about astrology. I don’t particularly believe in pseudoscience. But those are good choices. In Cold Blood is an excellent choice. Capote spent years researching the case. In fact his prose and technique inspired the entire “Nonfiction novel” genre. The world of journalism and true crime would not be where it is without Capote’s work.

Y/N: Oh my god. You are a total nerd. 🙀

That stops Spencer right in his tracks. He’s only a couple of yards away from the Volvo at this point, but somehow it feels a million miles away. You are a total nerd. The words replay in his mind as the small gray bubbles pop up again. Spencer can feel his heart constrict at Y/N’s words. It’s ridiculous, he’s nearly 34 and is getting upset that a stranger called him a nerd. Spencer unlocks his car and tosses his go bag, phone included onto the passenger seat.

After a couple of minutes his phone buzzes again. He’s half tempted to answer it, but the way his heart seems to beat faster tells him to ignore it.

Y/N: I fucking love it and I think you’ll love this too

Spencer’s entire demeanor changes as he reads the message. He’s always had difficulties reading emotion in writing, especially when he can’t analyze the handwriting. Sometimes, it’s even harder to judge inflection during conversations. Maybe that is why Spencer has spent all this time studying people, studying the way that their minds work. Before he can get too lost in his thoughts, another message pops up.

Y/N: Meet Capote and Second Cat

Y/N: They are the loves of my life

Spencer: They are very...distinguished looking. Capote is an excellent name choice then. Second Cat is also quite catchy.

Spencer hesitates before sending the message, he notices that Y/N uses what Garcia calls “emojis” quite frequently. He assumes that it’s some sort of “texting lingo” that expresses emotion in small graphics. Great, he thinks. He already has a difficult time deciphering Y/N’s cryptic wording and now he’s got to analyze these emojis.

Maybe he should profile her. He re-reads the message and settles on a “😄” because he figures that he can’t go wrong with offering Y/N a smile.

Spencer: I don’t have a cat, but when I was a kid I always wanted one, they’re quite good companions for those that live several different kinds of lifestyles. From active to sedentary, they are adaptable and independent. Honestly they are the perfect pet.

Y/N: Is this your way of telling you’re a crazy cat man? 😜 🙀

Spencer, still sitting in his car that’s parked in the parking lot, chuckles at Y/N’s response to his message. Maybe it’s just easier to ignore his rambling when it’s done through 1s and 0s and there isn’t a face to the words.

Spencer: I’m actually more of a fish guy

Y/N: Like a “I-like-to-go-fishing-and-post-picture-of-myself-kissing-my-catch-on-Tinder” kind of fish guy or...I can’t think of any other kind of fish men

Spencer, not totally understanding the obvious joke that Y/N is trying to make, settles on something that he hasn’t really ever tried: being himself.

Spencer: Not quite sure what a Tinder is, but I think fishing is terrifying and kissing a fish is something out of nightmares. But his name is Leo

Y/N: DiCaprio?

Spencer: Uhh, Tolstoy

Y/N: Good😉 ⚔️🕊️ 🇷🇺

Spencer glances at his clock on the control panel, it tells him that he’s been messaging with Y/N back and forth for nearly 22 minutes. He nearly forgot how tired he was.

Spencer: Y/N- I’m so sorry but, I just got to my car to drive home from work. I’ll text you tomorrow morning about the book club, maybe we can figure out some things.

Y/N: OMG Spencer!! you should have told me. I’ve been talking ur ear off. sleep well and yes please tomorrow we can talk about the book club

Y/N: Good night, Book Buddy 😴

Spencer wants to respond to Y/N, but he doesn’t know what to say. She seems to text so easily, and judging by that, she must be around Spencer’s age or a little bit younger. Besides JJ and Penelope, Spencer has never had a friend close to his age. It’s a strange new territory for him and he’s walking in head first into No Man’s Land.

He starts his Volvo, the check engine still lights but, reminding him once again to go get it fixed. Driving away from the parking lot, Spencer hands over his ID to Gina, the security guard. She checks his ID and gives him a tired smile. Spencer, as he drives home to his apartment, thinking about what books he and Y/N will read together. He wonders what kind of books are her favorite, if they have any authors that they can obsess over together, or if what she thinks a poet’s prose is.

The summer air rushing in through the window is nowhere as warm and as comforting as thought of Spencer finally having a friend that isn’t able to read the scars of his past in the text bubbles that pop up on her screen.

--

When Spencer opens his eyes for the first time that morning, he isn’t sure where he is. Sometimes, before he can stop his thoughts from travelling there, Spencer thinks he’s still in jail. He hates the feeling of terror that rushes over him but he hates the idea of being vulnerable a little bit more. But the softness of his pillows and the coolness of his cotton sheets remind him that he’s not sleeping on a hard cot with only a layer of fabric over his body. The light streams in through the half closed blinds, and Spencer judges by how brightly the sun shines in, it must be around 9:45 am.

He supposes that he prefers the way the sun’s rays paint horizontal bars across his face more than the vertical bars that cast gray shadows over his cell at Milburn Penitentiary.

It’s a day off from work, so Spencer didn’t set an alarm, instead allowing his mind and his body to catch up on some much needed rest. The nightmares have been getting better, but his dreams are still haunted by the way that he hardly recognizes himself anymore. Deciding that it will be a day spent in pajamas, Spencer goes to his bookshelf in his bedroom to pick out a couple of novels to read while he drinks his morning coffee and defrosts some of Luke’s strawberry pastries.

Before heading out of his room, Spencer stops himself in the doorway. He replays the events of last night. He declined to go out with the rest of the team, while he walked to his car he thought about the crickets telling the temperature, and he read over Y/N’s messages.

Y/N.

He promised he’d text her back in the morning about their book club. Last night, she didn’t seem to mind Spencer’s long messages and awkward phrasing. He still doesn’t really know how this Book Buddy thing would work, but since he found Y/N’s number on the flyer, he can only assume that she knows what to do. He leaps on his bed, landing with thud on his belly, to grab his phone that charges on his nightstand.

Spencer settles at his kitchen table, a cup of steaming hot Dark Roast coffee in a Captain Spock mug in one hand and, surprisingly, his phone in the other. He scrolls through the messages from last night, Y/N’s cat and emojis tempt a smile to Spencer’s face.

Not entirely sure how to start the conversation again, Spencer looks around for inspiration until his eyes land on a certain fish tank in the corner of his apartment. He snaps a quick picture of Leo and attaches it to the message.

Spencer: Good Morning from Leo & Spencer

Spencer sets down his phone after a moment when he realizes that Y/N is probably not going to answer him back in a couple of seconds. He takes out a strawberry pastry from his freezer and puts it into the toaster oven on a non-stick baking sheet. His thumbs run across the texture of the book he started on the plane ride after his and Luke’s ill fated poker game. It's a thin book of collected essays on the meaning of life. Camus, to Spencer, is a little pessimistic with his droning on about the meaninglessness of life. Though Spence has seen the absolute worst that humanity has to offer, he still has to believe that there’s a deeper meaning behind it all.

His toaster oven rings, altering him so that his toasted strawberry pastry is cooked. He plates his breakfast and pours himself another cup of coffee- he’ll need it to get through Camus’s section on Absurdism this early in the morning. But the flash of Spencer’s phone screen sends him reaching for his phone. Y/N replied to his message.

Y/N: hi leo!!!

Y/N: and you too Spencer :) Did you get a good night’s sleep. You got back late it seems.

Spencer, taking a bite of the strawberry pastry, ignores the burning sensation in his mouth. He types out a response to Y/N as he washes down the bite with a swing of coffee.

Spencer: I did, thank you. Can you tell me a little bit more about this book buddy thing. From what I gathered from the flyer it’s like a little book club of our own and we meet at the bookstore?

It doesn’t take long for Y/N to respond. The little gray dots pop up almost immediately after Spencer’s message is delivered.

Y/N: That’s about right! Is it okay if I call you? Kinda easier to talk that way 🤷‍♀️

Spencer reads over the message a couple of times. He doesn’t really like to talk on the phone and only does it out of necessity. He’s pretty sure that his voice is grating and his vocal fry is quite irritating. Yet, he finds himself replying “yes” to Y/N. Soon enough, his phone buzzes in his hand and Spencer has to remind himself how to pick up a call.

“Spencer? Um, this is Spencer Reid, right?” the voice says. It’s a woman’s voice and he can only assume that it’s Y/N, considering it is her phone number calling him.

“Y/N, uh hi. This is Dr. Spencer- I mean this is Spencer,” he says, nearly forgetting that Y/N doesn’t know him as Dr. Reid, but as just Spencer. It’s been a long time since someone has known him as Spencer.

“Oh great! It’s wonderful to finally have a voice to your name. So about these buddy reads. You seem to have a good grasp of what they are,” Y/N’s voice trails off a little bit at the end and Spencer finds it natural to fill in the silence.

“Yes, the flyer was quite informative. But I was wondering, do we read the same books or do we read different books?” Spencer asks, trying to restrain himself from scaring Y/N off. But something about her made him think that she didn’t scare easily.

Y/N chuckles lightly in the speaker of her phone, “that’s a good question, uh, I was actually going to ask you what you would rather. We can read the same books, or if it’s okay with you we can choose what the other would read for that week,”

“Oh really?” Spencer says, very much aware how his voice rises a couple of octaves. He can’t trust himself to hold back on rambling over the phone Y/N, so he resorts to using his strained, brittle voice that’s full of hesitation and restraint.

“That’s the plan, so whatcha thinking, Spencer,” Y/N says playfully, like she can sense that phone conversations maybe not make him feel at ease. There’s something so natural and silvery about her voice; it reminds Spencer of an audiobook reader. While he’s not too keen on audiobooks, he’s sure that he’d listen to anything she reads or has to say.

“Um, I think it sounds interesting to pick out books for each other. I tend to gravitate towards more technical books or even books that aren’t in English so, uh, I think it would be interesting to get out of my comfort zone,” Spencer says, cringing internally at using the word “interesting” twice in a couple of sentences.

“Well, as long as you don’t pick out something in physics or anything by Ayn Rand then I’d say we’re good,” Y/N says. Spencer thinks it’s a joke, but he’s not too sure how to respond.

“Will you still be my Book Buddy if I read 1 out of 2 of those?” Spencer asks, hoping she’d get that he is trying to continue the joke.

“Oh no Spencer please don’t tell me you’re an Ayn Rand fanboy,” she says, and by the airy way she laughs, Spencer ventures to guess his joke landed successfully.

“So,” Spencer starts, he never has made plans with people outside of his team, and on top of that, there’s something about Y/N’s quickness that makes him a little nervous to meet her.

“I’m talking your ear off, aren’t I? Please Spencer, if you’re going to be my Book Buddy, you’re going to have to get used to me talking a lot, especially you pick out good books, which, I already have a feeling you’re going to be favorite Book Buddy,”

For once in his life, Spencer doesn’t really know how to respond. He lets out something in between a strangled laughter and a noncommittal chuckle.

“So,” Y/N says, mirroring Spencer’s earlier words, “so are you free tonight, I can meet you at the bookstore..”

Y/N’s voice trails off and Spencer leaps to finish her sentences. It doesn’t feel like his interjecting or interrupting, but like he’s snapping a puzzle piece together.

“Does 7 work?” “7 is great, Spencer. It’s a date,”

Those three little words send Spencer’s eyes flying wide open. He scrambles to come up with answer to louden the silence that falls, but he swears he can hear a string of quiet curses before Y/N manages to squeak out a small “goodbye,”

Y/N’s last words play back in Spencer’s ears. He scolds himself for being so weird and awkward that the very idea of going on a date with him would send Y/N in a tizzy. It’s not a date, because Spencer can’t think about it being a date. It’s not a date because of the looming photo above his mantle that freezes his future in the past. It’s not a date because of the nightmare of vertical bars that haunt his dreams

It’s not a date. It’s so not a date because Spencer would call Luke to come over to help him if it was.

“Hey Luke,” Spencer says, trying to control the nervous waves in his voice, “no man, I’m fine, it’s uh, easier if you just come over. I’m fine, really,”

Y/N: I really hope you're not an Ayn Rand fanboy 😉

It’s so not a date.

--THANK YOU FOR READING--

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[delos-mio]

Out of the Woods - College!AU - PART 1

A/N: Welp, here it is! Part 1 of my silly little AU for my favorite silly little king. I really hope I can do him justice and I greatly appreciate any comments and questions you may have! No major triggers- only implied drug use, drinking, allusion to sexy stuff. So, without further ado..

If you had to gaze into a crystal ball at the beginning of the year, this would not have been the future you expected to see. You didn’t plan on being unhoused, stuck in an idle relationship, and debating dropping out of school all together. But here you were, trying your very best to pick up the pieces, salvage what little motivation to carry on that you had left. It could have been worse. It could have been much worse, at least that’s what you kept telling yourself to keep from crumbling entirely. You were never one to back down though, and these few hurdles sure as hell weren’t going to be the thing to break you. At least one of your problems was solved.

You had just emptied the last of the boxes left from moving and were hanging up the rest of your clothes when there was a soft knock on your door. Genya popped her head in, smiling brightly.

“Hey. I was just making sure you were getting settled ok,” she said.

“Yeah, I’m just about done unpacking I think.” You sat down next to her on the edge of your bed. “Thanks again for letting me live here. You have no idea how much you saved his ass,” you laughed.

“Don’t mention it! I’m happy to have someone else here, honestly.” She seemed to mean it, so you decided not to keep groveling. “Anyways, I just had a friend text me about a party tonight if you wanted to go?”

Your party days were almost entirely behind you. Freshman and Sophomore year were a haze of booze and recreational drugs, leading to you almost flunking out of school on more than one occasion. You’d since cleaned up your act, for the most part, and found you way back on the Dean’s list. But...it was a Friday afterall. And you’d just spent all day moving and contemplating your entire life- did that not earn a beer or two?

“Yeah, ok. Ok. That sounds good,” you said with a nod.

“Awesome! I think we’re meeting there around 10ish, so I’ll come grab you to get ready in a little bit.”

“Get ready? Are we 18 and going to our first frat party?” you joked, making Genya laugh.

“I was thinking about it more so as a roomie bonding activity, but if you wanna be a brat…” she drawled, trying to keep the smile off her face.

“Come back in an hour,” you finally sighed. Genya looked simply delighted as she exited, very clearly planning out looks for you both in her head.

As you went to finish up organizing your closet, you felt the familiar buzz of your phone in your pocket.

Matt: u coming over tonight?

You couldn’t stop your eyes from rolling back in your skull. That probably shouldn’t happen when you get a text from your boyfriend.

Y: can’t, sorry. Going out with Genya M: ok- have fun. Make good choices. Y: wtf does that mean M: just to make good choices? Jesus does everything have to be a fight? Y: i’m not trying to fight omg Y: i’ll just talk to you later M: k

K. He had some fucking nerve.

---

Across campus, Nikolai wasn’t having much better of an evening.

"Do I have to?"

"Yes." Aleks's tone was final; Nikolai knew there was no point in trying to bargain with him at this point.

"Jesus, fine." Nikolai’s fate had been decided and it was now mandatory that he go to the Delta Chi party that night. And here he had been looking forward to a quiet evening alone with his guitar and journal...

"It'll be fun, you sad sack. And I really want you to meet Alina," Aleks chastised.

"I didn’t know you missed my irreplaceable company quite this much."

Aleks gently threw a pencil across the table at his head. "Maybe you'll even catch a new fish of your own, huh?" he said with an obnoxious smirk. Nikolai just chuckled, nodding noncommittally before heading off to his bedroom.

It's not that he didn’t want to go. Well, he didn’t, really. But normally, he would. It’d been about a month since he called it off with the girl he met in Statistics. And it's not like he even missed her all that much- he knew she wouldn’t be around long from the start. But he was still stuck in the “mope in his room, write songs about heartbreak” phase of his healing. Because of such, he hadn't felt like partying much lately, but he’d blown off Aleks the last 3 weekends...he wasn't going to let Nikolai say no again.

Nikolai figured the least he could do is try and look presentable. It was unlike him to spend as much time in sweats as he had; his sense of style had always been impeccable. He was a man who knew he was handsome and knew the best way to broadcast just that. He pulled out tight black jeans and paired them with a powder blue button down with the sleeves rolled up, maybe a couple of the top buttons left undone. He pushed his golden hair back out of his hazel eyes and scrutinized himself in the mirror. To his horror, he looked like he hadn't had a good night of sleep in a week, which was true. Overall, it could have been better, but it could be worse. With a sigh, he grabbed his phone and keys before going out to find Aleks.

They got to the Delta Chi house, and there were already a few guys passed out on the lawn. Nikolai wasn’t surprised, but it was only 10:30. They must have been freshmen. Aleks lead the way to the porch where a petite dark haired girl turned around and beamed at them.

"You're late!" she says with a clearly fake pout. Aleks leaned in to kiss it away and Nikolai looked everywhere but at them.

"Sorry, sorry, I know. Miss Princess here had to be dragged out of his cave," he laughed at his expense. "Alina, this is Nikolai. Nikolai, Alina."

"Nice to finally meet you," Alina smiled. She's cute, he can give Aleks that.

"I’ll have you know I was not in a cave. I was waxing poetic about love lost, heartbreak and what have you,” Nikolai smirked as Alina laughed.

"Genya and her new roommate are already inside," Alina said, grabbing Aleks's hand.

Thank god. Not that he didn't want to spend time with them or get to know Alina, but he didn't really want to watch them suck face and play third wheel all night. Genya had been a friend of theirs since Freshman year- she smoked them down at a random dorm party and she'd been part of the gang ever since. Nikolai pushed through the crowd and made it along with Aleks and Alina to the kitchen. There were fewer people back here and Nikolai felt like he could breathe again.

"Nik," Genya chirped and threw her hands up excitement. "He lives!"

"You saw me Wednesday," Nikolai laughed. “But, I understand. Aleks was desperate for his company too. It must have been unbearable without me.”

"I really didn't think Aleks would get you to come," she said with an easy grin. Genya handed him a cup of what he assumed was beer. "Doesn't matter. You're here now."

They all circled up and chatted for a minute. For once in his life, Nikolai felt like he was noticeably quiet, but he found he didn’t have much to add. They didn’t want to hear about how he managed to cook a meal TWICE last week. Or how he’d written probably a dozen songs, all of them dogshit. Genya was grinning at a story their friend William was telling when she looked over his shoulder and motioned for someone to join them.

"Guys! Guys! This is my new roommate," Genya said. Ah yes, the new roommate. How could Nikolai forget?

New Roommate had wedged themselves into the circle two people away from Nikolai. He looked up from his cup and immediately locked eyes with you. Honestly, the name should have tipped him off. He never, ever thought he’d see you again. There's no way you possibly remember him, right? God, you were still so beautiful.

"Nikolai?" you asked with a tight voice, eyes jumping all around his face. And it's right about then that Nikolai wished he got a little more beauty sleep. Here you were, practically glowing, while he looked like the walking dead.

"Hey," he breathed out. It sounded a lot more desperate than he meant it to, but you always have had that effect on him.

"You guys know each other?" Aleks interjected.

"It's uh, it's been a few years, but yeah," you said with a blush, looking down into your cup. Aleks and Genya both looked at Nikolai with a raised eyebrow. He could feel the sweat pricking along his brow. Fuck, now all eyes were on him...

"Maybe there's a spot open for beer pong. Let's go check it out." Thank you. Subtle, Genya. "You guys can catch up," Genya said walking past you and patting Nikolai on the shoulder. The rest of his friends followed suit and Nikolai was left alone with you, staring not so subtly.

You hadn’t grown an inch. You’d lost the bright red glasses too. But, god, you were still the most gorgeous creature Nikolai had ever laid his eyes on. Really, he couldn't have lost his virginity to a hotter person.

It's your typical boy-meets-girl story. Nikolai first saw you at the rink where he played hockey in high school. Your parents owned the building and seeing as such, you were employed as the kid behind the concession stand. Nikolai remembered the first time he saw you, he thought you looked like a dork. A very hot dork, but a dork all the same. Nikolai began to notice you watching him in particular during practice, which just further flustered his raging teen hormones.

One night, after everyone else had left practice, Nikolai stayed behind and introduced himself to you. He’d never seen such a beautiful mouth and he had to resist the urge to kiss you right then and there. It became habit that he stay after practice and lean against the counter to shamelessly flirt with you. You often had the rink to yourselves by that time, so Nikolai felt like he could really be himself during those hours. He was still figuring out his place in the world and had stuck-up parents who would never approve of him taking you home. But in the lowlights of the concourse, he was allowed to have a crush on you.

Flirting led to making out behind the counter. Making out behind the counter led to hand stuff in your beat up purple van once you locked up for the night. Hand stuff led to him fucking you in the locker room shower. It was both of your first time and it could have been much less hurried. But you were young and inexperienced and horny as fuck and still exploring sexuality. You kept that arrangement up for the next few months until the season ended and Nikolai left that fall for school. He felt like a dick for not saying goodbye to you. It's not in his nature to ghost. It just isn't. He thinks maybe he was still scared of what it all "meant" and how much he really liked you. Maybe this was the universe telling him to make things right with you and make things right for himself.

"Hey, stranger," you said with a lopsided grin. Fuck. Nikolai was so done for if you kept looking at him like that.

"Hey yourself." And Nikolai couldn't help himself when he reached out to you to pull you in a tight embrace. Lucky him, you didn’t push him away and call him a fucking asshole; he thought he would have deserved that. You buried your face into his neck and the hot little puffs of air were doing way more to him than they should. You parted just enough to get a good look at each other.

"You look good," you said with a dark edge to your voice, bottom lip trapped between your teeth. He knew very well what he looked like that night, but you seemed to mean the compliment.

"You look better," he replied earnestly, because it was true. It shouldn't have been this easy to fall right back into things. But it was always different with you. Sometimes, he still thought you were the only one that really understood him without him having to say a word.

"Nikolai Lantsov, you always were a little flirt," you laughed. Your eyes crinkled at the corner and Nikolai thought to himself how beautiful you are when you’re playful. You’re always beautiful. He wanted nothing more than to whisk you away and have you alone. This time, he wouldn’t fuck it up. He wouldn’t let you go. You must have noticed his brain going into overdrive because you say "What's going on up there? What ya thinking?" You pushed a rogue lock of golden hair away from his face.

"Honestly?"

"Honestly."

"I'm thinking about how much I wish we weren't at a frat party right now. I'm thinking about how I want to be selfish and have you all to myself," Nikolai said low so only you could hear. You laughed a little to yourself and looked at him with sparkling eyes.

"I'm not stopping you," you drawled. Fuck. Fuck, ok. This was really happening.

"Let me tell the guys we're leaving and then do you maybe want to get some food?" Nikolai asked hopefully. You just nodded coyly with a small smirk.

"I'll meet you out front." You squeezed his hand once and started pushing your way through the sea of bodies.

Nikolai ran his hands through his hair and took a deep breath before nearly running down to the basement, eager to say goodbye and make his way back to you. Genya, Aleks, Alina, and William were playing each other, a beer pong table stretching between their pairs.

"Where's your old friend?" Genya asked with a shit eating grin.

"We're um. We're actually gonna head out. So, I guess I'll—" but he was immediately cut off by Aleks.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Nik, are you leaving with a girl?" he teased.

"Yes. I am." Nikolai looked at him defiantly.

"How do you guys know each other anyways?" Bill asked before launching a shot.

"Just from growing up. High school or whatever," Nikolai mumbled.

"Cmon..." Genya begged.

"Wouldn’t you love to know," he said, voice laced with snark. "I just came down here to say we're fucking leaving!"

"Well then you better not keep your girl waiting," Genya said with a silent kiss in his direction. Nikolai just flipped her off and took his leave.

When he got outside, you were waiting with your hands in your pockets at the bottom of the porch steps. He smiled wide at you and offered a hand, which you seemed happy to take.

"So, are they gonna give me a bunch of shit next time I see them?" you asked as you walked hand in hand to the little strip of 24 hour restaurants on the outskirts of campus.

"Probably. Nothing you can't handle," Nikolai winked. You laughed then a little giggle. It's such a familiar sound and just like that, Nikolai was transported back to the ice rink and you giggling between kisses behind the snack bar.

You made it to one of his favorite delis in town and he offers to buy you a sandwich, which of course you tried to refuse his offer. Nikolai simply won't hear it. He had 5 years of douche baggery to make up for and insisted. You finally conceded and thanked him with the sweetest smile Nikolai had ever seen. You found a table in the corner, away from the door and prying eyes.

"So, how'd you meet Genya?" Nikolai asked.

"We have a writing class together. And we got to talking and became friends. I needed to find a new place cause my old roommate had to drop out and move home. I couldn't afford the place on my own. And I mean, you know how Genya is," you laughed, "I told her all about it one day in class and she offered me a room at her place without batting an eye."

"That does sound like Genya," Nikolai nodded.

"I've only been there like, two hours. But it's been good so far. Genya's been super cool," you said with a smile.

"I can't believe that we've been at the same school this whole time and it's taken this long to find each other," Nikolai said, mostly to himself, but you heard him and reached across the table to grab one of his hands.

"But we did find each other eventually, yeah?" You ran your thumb over his knuckle.

"Yeah," he said, suddenly bashful. Nikolai was seldom flustered. He had nerves of steel and had confidence to spare on his worst days. But you. You cut through him, all the way down to the core, and that made him nervous.

"So," you started, "Tell me about everything Nikolai Lantsov. Surely you've been up to something the last few years."

"Not much interesting to tell," he shrugged. "Been studying history. Writing music here and there to keep myself occupied."

"Girlfriend?"

"Who wants to know?" he asked with an arched eyebrow.

"Shut up," you mumbled into your soda. He doesn't miss the blush that's spreading over your cheeks.

"No. No girlfriend." he paused, considering how honest to be. But fuck it, he owed you candor. "I actually broke up with a girl a little over a month ago." You looked back up at him then, your eyes searching presumably for whether or not Nikolai was still torn up about it. "She wasn’t...she wasn’t right for mw and I guess I was just done. I feel like I should still be sad about it or whatever, but I'm not. I don't miss her. The wallowing and self reflection has been great writing fodder though," he said with a laugh.

"I'm sorry, Nik. You don't deserve that."

"Don't I?" Nikolai looked at you and suddenly felt torn open. "I...I'll never forgive myself for what I did to you." You bit down on your lip and looked out the window. "I regretted leaving you, god, and like a fucking asshole. I regretted leaving you so much. I know saying I'm sorry isn't even close to enough. But god, I'm so fucking sorry." He knew there were tears threatening to fall from his eyes, but he swallowed them down best he could.

"I'm not going to act like it didn't hurt me. Because it really, really did. But I accept your apology, Nik. You know I could never stay mad at you." You paused for a minute before looking at Nikolai with a tiny fire in your eyes. "You know, I'm pretty sure I was in love with you back then."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I don’t think I ever stopped loving you," He said confidently. Your jaw dropped just for a moment before you're giving him that sexy grin that apparently still drives him absolutely crazy.

"Still?” Nikolai just smirked. "What if you don't know me anymore?" you asked and sucked at the straw in your soda.

"I'd like to." There's a shift in the air between you. Nikolai was sure you could both feel it. It was suddenly too warm in the restaurant and there's too much table separating you. He decided to take his chance. “How do you feel about going back to my place?”

You suddenly seemed very interested in your nail beds, picking anxiously at the skin. “You didn’t ask me if I was seeing anyone.”

Nikolai stalled. He didn’t. You asked about his relationship status and he was so absorbed with letting you know that he was, in fact, single, that he didn’t bother to ask if you were even available. Hadn't you been flirting all night? He'd certainly been flirting. But like you said, maybe he didn't know you anymore. Maybe this was just how you were these days. “Are you...are you seeing someone?”

“Yeah,” you sighed. Maybe it was his own wishful thinking, him hearing the resignation in your voice. Not that he wanted you to be unhappy. No, you deserved the world and he wanted nothing more than for you to have the sun and the moon and the stars. But, maybe there was still a chance for him yet. “His name is Matt. We’ve been together for like, a year or so.”

“Matt.” He let the name burn his tongue. “You love him?”

“Nik…” you warned.

“Just a question.”

“It’s more complicated than that.”

“Just my two cents here,” Nikolai started, leaning back into the booth, “But you deserve to be with someone you can gush about. Someone who when you get asked if you love them, you don’t think twice and say ‘they’re the love of my life!’”

“And you don’t think that’s him?” you said, huffing. “You think that’s you?”

“There’s a chance,” he smirked. “All that aside, I’m very glad fate has brought us together again.”

“Yeah, yeah,” you laughed. “I missed you too.” You looked at your phone quickly. “Shit, I should get going. I have a shift at 9 tomorrow.”

“Let me walk you home,” Nikolai insisted, standing from the booth and helping you into your jacket.

“Always such a gentleman,” you smiled, tapping him gently on the nose before walking ahead of him.

The walk to your and Genya’s place felt too short. Nikolai had made this trek, both intoxicated and sober, and it always seemed much longer. But now he was at your front door, hands shoved in his pockets as he shifted his weight from foot to foot. “If you don’t want to hang out again, I understand, but I need you to tell me now if you think it’s a bad idea,” he rushed out.

“Of course I want to see you again,” you said, rolling your eyes. “So dramatic. We can still be friends, right?”

“We can be best friends,” he smiled.

“I’m glad I ran into you tonight.”

“Likewise.”

You were both clearly just trying to prolong the evening at this point. Nikolai took it upon himself to put you both out of your misery and pulled you into his arms again. You gripped his torso tightly, melting your body against his. He held you close, both strong arms wrapped around your shoulder while he tucked your head under his chin. After a moment, he pulled back enough to leave a gentle kiss on your forehead.

“Get some sleep,” he whispered, his breathing a little hard.

“Ok,” you croaked, nodding. Nikolai stepped out of your space then, squeezing your hand one last time before walking back out to the sidewalk, waiting and watching to make sure you got inside safely.

[sailordiavolo]

suicide prevention month 2021 - things that helped me stay alive

i heard that this month is suicide prevention month in the united states. as someone who’s struggled for many years with suicide myself, and is currently in the mystical “better place”, i feel it’s my duty to open this can of worms. i am unafraid of the stigma that comes with discussing such things.

i’ll go over things that helped me to cope during dark times. these may also apply to being depressed in general (?) because no offense but “drinking water” doesn’t help as much as google seems to think it does. note that these aren’t be all end all solutions, more like techniques that helped me to stay sane on some of my worst days.

1. get rid of everything that’s an immediate danger to your health.

if you’re actively a danger to yourself, safety-proof your home. don’t keep sharp objects lying around, or anything dangerous of the like. get rid of anything toxic or chemical, and don’t keep medicines in excess.

2. if you can’t make yourself happy, try to mildly amuse yourself instead

thinking “happy thoughts” doesn’t really work for me, especially if i’m in the throes of a depressive episode. i do have many things that make me happy, but i seem to forget about all of them in dark times. that being said, really dumb jokes get me every time. if i can make myself laugh, smile or chuckle, i’ve already made it 10 times easier for myself. and if i can do that, usually it’s easy to make myself forget about the original reason i was upset in the first place.

dear reader, i don’t know what would count as “mildly amusing” to you, but here’s some things that work for me.

i have a self care playlist on youtube. mine’s pretty dumb, but making a playlist like that of things that you find entertaining or amusing might help. another amazing one is distantcry’s worst beat ever collection.

very specific songs that really get me going include metrostation’s shake it, botdf’s bewitched, rm’s expensive girl, and she past away’s ruh.

3. do some self care activities

self care is very very important. when you feel like you’re absolute worst, that’s a free pass to be as selfish as you need to be until you feel better. no job, no person, no drama is worth dying over. all of that can wait until after you’re finished what you’re doing. if you’re not really sure what to do as self care activities, i’ll list some suggestions.

take a hot bath, if possible. if you have the resources, add bubbles, flower petals, bathe salts or candles. i did this the other day and sat in the bath and ate crumpets. it was amazing. if not, have a steaming hot shower. (i know it’s hard to find the energy, but it’ll help, i promise)

watch your favourite childhood show, or your favourite show at the moment, or play a video game.

sleep all day, or take the day off.

eat your favourite food, or the best food available to you right now.

spend some money if you have it. personally, i never spend all my money in a week, i save some in case i have a panic attack or something so then i can spend money on something totally random to make myself feel better.

change up your appearance. i usually end up cutting my hair short or randomly dying it, but this can also mean dressing in a way that makes you feel good, painting your nails, or doing your makeup.

4. know how to comfort yourself

this is related to the last one but knowing what brings you comfort is very important. it took me a very long time to figure out what things i find comforting. list the things that you find comforting, and you can use those to help yourself feel better. it might be music, interests, even something abstract.

if you can’t think of anything, then make sure to pay attention to things that make you feel nice/comforted, and list them down. it’s also important to know what will send you over the edge, so you can avoid it.

5. distraction topics

this may help with anxiety as well, but having distraction topics can help you to calm down and forget about what you were worried about. it’s good to have a few distraction topics up your sleeve in case of emergency. i’ll list a few of my favourites, but if you ever need one don’t be afraid to ask me directly, or send me an ask on my blog! i have a ridiculous amount of misc knowledge just floating around.

dinosaur fossils of mothers protecting their nest have been found, meaning that dinosaurs probably felt some form of motherly love. love on earth is billions and billions of years old. creatures have loved each other on this planet since before the dawn of history. imagine being the first organism to love on this planet and what that must’ve been like

some cave paintings were animated. they had different frames painted over each other, and the flickering of a flame in the cave would cause the images to appear as if they were moving. isn’t that extremely profound?

i saw somewhere, that scientists attempted to see what an electron was made out of, or something to that effect. it’s made of a pool of energy, which is essentially nothing. no form, no matter. everything is made out of nothing.

6. romanticise your future

a lot of us probably don’t have a concept of the future, or if we do, it’s something that sounds absolutely horrible. well, forget about that! think instead about how hot n sexy you’ll be in your 30’s, 40’s, etc. don’t worry about how you’ll get there for now, your future self can take care of that. think about your ideal life, and get excited like it’s absolutely going to happen. the more you think about it, the more it will become true.

7. romanticise your current self

nobody in your life understands you? that’s because you’re the hot brooding mysterious one. struggle with very dark thoughts? omg you’d be so powerful as a jujutsu sorcerer. people are staring? it’s because they’re in love with you. people whispering as you go by? also in love with you. no friends? the universe had to keep you humble because otherwise you’d be too perfect. hate the way you look today? you’re just a littel troll babie. the more amusing these thoughts are, the better. and if you think these things for long enough, eventually it will trick your brain into thinking it’s true. who’s gonna check you? the telepaths?

8. put things into perspective

i am prone to delusional thoughts when i’m panicked, and i have to remind myself to reel it in. think about it, you’re more afraid of answering the phone than you are of death? doesn’t sound very cash money of you, bro.

think about how many years you’ve really lived, especially if you think you’ve failed in life. take 12 years off your age, because childhood doesn’t count. also take off any other years which you were forced to live the way someone else wanted you to live, rather than for myself.

for example, i’m currently 23. my household was pretty strict, so i couldn’t really do anything before age 18. which gives me a grand total of 5 years of me trying to figure out life by myself. it helps me to remember how young i actually am in the grand scheme of things, and that i have plenty of time to still figure things out.

9. find a safe outlet for dark urges

for me, art and journaling really helped. music too, especially when i felt like i could relate to either the lyrics, or just the tone/mood/feel of the song. it might be exercise, or you may like to do creative writing or make oc’s. sometimes you may just need a friend or someone to listen.

if you don’t have anyone to talk to, you can message me or shoot me an anon

10. sleep it off

sleep is not going to cure anything, but if i’m pushed over the edge and am struggling with dark thoughts, going to sleep almost always helps. most of the time i still feel like shit in the morning, but no longer in the mood to try anything hasty.

lastly: suicide is not the easy way out

note: i’m gonna be discussing my own experiences with suicide in this part, so if you don’t want to see that, then don’t read past this point

suicide is not the easy way out. it’s messy and it’s ugly and it’s painful and it’s gonna bring out the worst in people. i’ve been struggling with it since age 19.

one particular attempt landed me in the hospital after i swallowed a bunch of painkillers. i couldn’t think or speak properly, i was slurring my words and tripping over myself. my doctor brushed me off and said that it “would probably get better” with time, but it never did. it improved, but my mind has never been the same as it once was, and one of my biggest insecurities to this day is when i struggle to learn new things or get things mixed up that i shouldn’t. i struggle to learn the simplest of things, and my reaction times tend to be very slow.

the point is, sometimes you don’t die, sometimes you just end up hurting yourself in a way that won’t get better. nobody needs that. if had’ve known how to calm myself down back then, i might not’ve tried.

i don’t mind talking about it now, since i’ve dedicated so much time in learning how to uplift myself. i may be in the “better place” now, but you don’t need to rush yourself to be better immediately. sometimes you need to be patient, use baby steps, or learn to accomodate yourself where you are. these things take time. that’s okay.

and remember, you are loved and very much needed to be here on the planet with us.

[violetnotez]

HC: S/o With a Good Luck, Bad Luck Quirk

@mrsadfacestudio: SO how about Bakugou, Midoriya, Todoroki, Tamaki and Mirio react on their crush having a good luck/bad luck quirk? Like Y/N says "I feel like today will be great day!" They live close by to Y/N so as they were about to ask to walk with them. As she walk on the side walk, shit goes down. Y/N is passing a building that exploded behind her. She walk far enough so when the building fell, it didn't land on her

Alrightie I hope I did this to the best of my abilities, so I’m sorry if the quirk description isn’t accurate to your ask! Excited to write for Tamaki though since this is my first time, so forgive me if Tamaki’s isn’t the best! ✨🌸

AU: Reader has agood/bad luck quirk, where they can manipulate the luck of themselves or others around them(sometimes without realizing it)

Pairings: Midoriya x reader, Shoto x reader, Tamaki x reader, Mirio x reader

RULES | MASTERLIST| REQUESTS CLOSED

Izuku

◦oh he is just be so amazed by your quirk-it’s so different from any one he has ever seen or heard of!

◦ he is going to have a full journal dedicated to you and is always lending a hand to help you with training if you ever need it!

◦ he knows you can hold your own, but this boy is going to constantly work himself into a frenzy over worrying about you

◦he’s just so overprotective he really can’t help it!

◦ one day as he was walking to the grocery store to grab some produce for his mother, he heard a large explosion

◦ Izuku turned around, seeing a dark plumage of smoke rising, his heart dropping-you had told him last night you were deciding to take a run in the morning

◦And of course you said you were taking a run right in that area

◦He instantly dropped the groceries, taking off at an intense speed, his hands fumbling with his phone as he desperately tried to call you

◦you weren’t calling him back, making his anxiety 10x worse

◦when he got to the wreckage site, he realized it was a poorly attempted bank robbery, heroes as well as police officers investigating the scene and taking in the suspected “villians” for questioning

◦ he started looking around, trying to see if anybody resembled you, but he didn’t see you, and oh no what if you got caught in some rubble, or maybe somehow you were badly hurt, that’s why you weren’t answering his calls-

◦ “Hey ‘Zuku, I didn’t expect you to be here! I hope no ones hurt!” You greeted from behind, scaring him shitless but also making so relieved

◦his face light up like a Christmas tree- “y/n! Oh, I’m so glad your okay! Are you hurt, do you feel alright-“

◦”I’m fine Izuku, I promise!” You laugh, taking his shaking hands into your own. “My quirk somehow gave me a heads up about what was going to happen, so I decided to get some boba instead!”

◦you smiled brightly, taking a sip from the thick straw- “it also gave me an idea that you’d stop by too,” you held out another drink, his favorite flavor-green tea

◦he thanked you gratefully, taking a sip as he held onto your hand tightly

◦After that scare, there is no way he is letting you out of his sight

Shoto

◦ Like Izuku, he is going to find your quirk intriguing and definitely interesting

◦It’s not flashy, but it certainly is very powerful in its own way (not that Shoto would care if it’s flashy or not-he loves you for you, not your quirk)

◦*cough cough unlike his father *cough cough

◦ He really can’t understand it that well, because sometimes it gives you a dose of “bad” luck before it rewards you with some prosperity in your life

◦When you and Shoto were still hopelessly pinning for each other, for example, your quirk had decided to give you a slight nudge to get closer to the reserved boy

◦ As you were rushing to the cafeteria during lunch break one day, you had spotted Shoto walking from afar

◦He was close enough to be able to see his features, but far away that you could appreciate his handsome features without looking too creepy

◦You couldnt help but sneak a blissful glance at his face-he was honestly so handsome with his bi colored eyes, pale skin, chiseled jawline-

◦And that’s when your foot slipped on a stray piece of paper and your body landed on the hard linoleum floor with a gut wrenching smack

◦Shoto has obviously heard (it was hecka loud), and being the only other person in the hallway besides you, it was hard to ignore that

◦he instantly rushed over to you, concerned for your wellbeing

◦”Y/n, are you alright?” He asked, crouching down next to you

“I-uh-yeah I’m fine!” Your cheeks were on fire, and you were cursing your quirk inside your head for not helping you avoid your fall-

◦Until Shoto has held out one of his hands, offering it to you

◦”May I?” Shoto’s exterior looked extremely composed, but on the inside he was freaking out-he was just being nice, right? This wasn’t because he had a crush on you or anything-he wasn’t loving the fact that he was the one to help you up, or was trying to memorize how your rosy cheecks looked so pretty on your skin-

◦you placed your smaller hand in his, his fingers gently squeezing yours as he pulled you up

◦your legs were still wobbly, as your knees were the first ones to hit the floor-so you body kinda toppled onto his

◦He was strong and he anticipated you to lean into him, so he easily took the extra weight with ease

◦what wasn’t so easy was keeping his composure-your hands were resting on his chest, those pretty eyes of yours boaring into his, your cheeks ten times redder

◦ He couldnt help but tense up-he wasn’t used to being so close to you, or any girl for that matter, but he was growing quite fond to how wonderful your body felt pressed against his own

◦”I-I I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-“ you began to stutter against his chest

◦Shoto gave a tiny smile, finding it cute that you were just as much of a nervous wreck as he felt- “It’s quite alright… do you think your badly injured? Let’s see if you can walk,”

Tamaki

◦ohhh sweet baby boy is gonna adore you

◦he’s going to think your quirk is just so amazing- lowkey will get down on himself and think his is inadequate to yours sometimes

◦when that happens- AFFIRMATIONS AND CUDDLES 100% WILL FEEL BETTER AFTER

◦ Also will worry about you a lot-he has experienced a lot of things at a young age and knows how harsh the real world can be

◦He doesn’t want to see you get hurt at all, but knowing you have such a helpful quirk does ease his nerves some-also helps him out in a pinch too

◦One time when you both were on patrol, Tamaki had realized just how helpful your quirk could be for yourself and him

◦You two were stationed for the next few hours at the city’s busy downtown area

◦You we’re loving all the lights, the people, and the stores, while Tamaki-

◦Well, Tamaki was not

◦”Do we have to be so close to people?” He asked timidly, tugging his hood farther down his eyes, “I feel they’re staring right at us.”

◦you laughed, playfully walking into his side

◦”Of course they are Tamaki! We are dressed up as heroes after all,” you replied sweetly, waving to a small group of kids gawking at you two

◦”I know-its just, your so natural at all this. I don’t know if I can be as cheerful as you,”

◦You sighed, intertwining your fingers with your shy boyfriend. “Don’t get so worked up over it Tama, you're a wonderful hero. It doesn’t matter if your shy or outgoing, it only matters if your a good hero- which you are.”

◦You took that as an opportunity to kiss his cheek, his once nervous frown turning into a tiny smirk

◦”Th-thank you,” he stuttered out, touching the spot where you kissed him

◦ “Of course!” You grinned, “Oh and also-you may want to take your hood off.”

◦ even though he didn’t want to do what you instructed, he trusted your instincts, pulling the fabric down

◦ “Why is that-“ just as the words slipped out of his mouth, the gang of kids you had waved at had ran past, one of the kids having his hands held out suspiciously

◦ A gust of wind flew in your faces from the kids hands, your hair tossling into your faces

◦ “Aww cool we finally see his face!” The kid with the wind quirk yelled, realizing his hood was already down

◦ The others stared at you too in awe, some waving nervously as they ran past, giggling and screaming as they ran away from their shenanigans

◦”See, they wanna stare at your pretty face too, ya know,” you joked, earning a groan from your timid boyfriend as he tugged his hood on again

◦ Tamaki blushes furiously, his stomach filled with butterflies

◦”The only person I like staring at me is-is you,”

Mirio

◦He is gonna use your quirk to give you the cutest pet names

◦His personal fav is going to be calling you his “Lucky Charm”

◦will also call you the cheesiest name like “Light of his life,” “sunshine” (not really revolves around your quirk but no the less!)

◦ will also be a constant worry wart over you-you are his love after all, he can’t help but worry!

◦ Omg hed be the sweetest boyfriend though, always checking up on you and making sure your a-okay!

◦One day though he was on patrol by himself when he spotted you in the same area

◦Of course this boy was gonna come and say hi!

◦More like try to scare the shit out of you by running up behind you and giving you a hug

◦You were staring down at your phone, so it would be a perfect time to go and surprise you

◦But to his horror, a bicyclist who had no control over their bike was bounding onto the sidewalk

◦A bunch of pedestrians were freaking out, moving to the side quickly to not get ran over

◦Of course Mirio was already on his way to go and help, but before he even could the bike was already close to hitting you

◦Just as he was going to yell your name and scoop you into his arms, out of harms way, he saw you casually just move to the side

◦You looked like you didn’t even know what was going on-your face didn’t leave your phone screen, it’s expressions calm as ever-all you did was sidestep so you were a mere inches from getting hit by the bike zooming past

◦Mirio took a second to just stare in amazement-how did you even do that?!?

◦Then he relaized he actually had a job to do, so he ran over to help the poor bicyclist before going over to say hi

◦Ohhhhh he asked so many questions after that and just rave about how cool that was

◦”That was amazing! You just kept on walking as if nothing happened! Does that happen any time you might be in danger?”

◦”Well sometimes if I need to learn something, or if it would be safer for me for my quirk not to intervene, I’ll still get hurt or embarrassed-whatever the case may be.” You smiled, “But usually, yeah, it’ll give me a heads up of what might happen to me if I don’t listen to my quirk

“◦”oh that’s so amazing sunshine! You really are a lucky charm, huh?”

[excitedlysuffering]

Neji Headcanons Collection

Requested from my wattpad account

For everyone who has requested, I’m slowly getting through them, but I’ve been busy and exhausted lately so it’s taking longer than I wanted it to, I’m sorry!

What He Looks For In An S/O~

• Neji is a pretty stoic, introverted guy, so he’d need someone who was more on the introverted side as well. However, he would love an S/O who could bring him out of his shell a little

• He definitely seems like someone who would prefer to date a fellow shinobi so he didn’t have to worry about them and since they most likely aren’t apart of the Hyuga clan, them being a ninja would help his clan be a little more approving

• He needs a PATIENT S/O

• Neji is new to relationships and someone who understands that and wouldn’t rush him would be ideal

• Although Naruto changed Neji for the best, he can still be a little insensitive sometimes, so a partner who has a thick skin is important

• Neji hates small talk with a passion, so he would look for someone who could hold intellectual conversations or who didn’t mind silence

• As an introvert, Neji is something of a homebody, but make no mistake; this boy is always training so you’d best be ready for rigorous training being a regular past time

• COMMUNICATION is key in a relationship with him

• As smart as Neji is, he does not have the aptitude or patience to deal with mixed signals, so just talk to him, please

Relationship With Neji Stuff~

• Neji isn’t clingy by any means, but you’re his girlfriend and he expects to see you often, and will easily become concerned or upset if his partner starts to seem distant

• Trust is the most important thing to him, if he’s dating you he clearly trusts you A LOT, and it will upset him if he notices you don’t trust him as much

• Your relationship will most likely be lowkey, in public at least, but that’s not because he’s ashamed, he’s just an incredibly private person

• Although Neji will enjoy sparring with you, he will also be up to other ideas for dates

• He loves taking walks with you, whether it’s after dark, before average people are awake, or in the middle of the day

• He’s the kind of person to have a certain amount of time set aside for you, whether you spend it out and about, or inside, he won’t interrupt that time unless it’s unavoidable

• He’s very good at picking up your moods and such things, but he doesn’t always know what to do about them, so he’ll help you in ways he knows how tea and training

• He has a great memory. Whether it’s certain dates, the timing of your week, or little things he’s noticed about you; you can trust he won’t easily forget it

• PDA embarrasses him, but he will allow hand-holding and the occasional cheek kiss

• He takes so much pride in his hair, he won’t allow you to touch it until way later in your relationship, but once he does… he’d rather die than admit, so sometimes he’ll wordless put his head in your lap and scowl until you take the hint

• Neji doesn’t just date around, he’s looking for something serious, so if he realizes that you’re not what he’s looking for in a wife he will immediately (and respectfully) end it

How To Lose/Annoy Him~

• Generally, Neji is a very forgiving person since he’s needed to be forgiven many times, but there are some things he won’t tolerate; cheating, slander, and genuine disrespect

• An S/O being rude to someone for no reason would turn him off

• He really can’t stand gossipers and busybodies so if you want to lose him, go off I guess

• Laziness is a major thing for him. He can understand being tired of at your limit, but he really can’t handle his S/O just lazing around for a long time

• Immaturity is a big no-no. Neji comes from a clan who only recognizes maturity and formalities so he would be uncomfortable with an overly childish S/O

• Selfishness or being chronically inconsiderate can and will make him angry

• He won’t even entertain someone with bad hygiene like he really doesn’t understand how someone could be okay with not being clean?

• Incessant complaining and whining will grate on his nerves like anything else

• Not respecting his boundaries, even if you don’t understand them, will have him running for the hills before you could even say ‘Byakugan’

Soft Neji Things~

• Neji isn’t one for constant affection, but once he realizes how much he enjoys the lotus position (you sit in his lap, facing him, legs around his waist) it’ll be a regular occurrence. Whether he’s reading or just savoring your presence you’d better get used to it

• He loves to read and sometimes if you ask beg he’ll read to you and he has the smoothest most ASMR voice ever??

• He actually enjoys shopping with you because he loves helping you choose (and he likes to spoil you)

• I strongly believe that Neji plays an instrument (piano, flute or violin) and sometimes he’ll play for you

• If he’s had a really bad nightmare or his family is stressing him out, don’t be surprised if he climbs in your bed at a random hour of the night

• Locked doors or windows have never stopped this boy, so you’d best expect him to just walk in like he owns the place

• Considerate to the max, he’s always thinking about you and doing small things for you

• You actually bring out a new side to him, he’s more playful and free around you

Random Neji Facts~

• Neji made it into a game without your knowledge to see how many times he can scare you by just waltzing into your house

• He’s incredibly competitive, so the second you mention being the best at something, even in jest, prepare to have to prove it in competition

• His love language is in between quality time and acts of service

• He doesn’t really expect gifts or anything, so if you really want to see him light up, get him a little ‘I’m thinking about you’ gift

• Neji likes to journal, he likes to write down little things about his day, or ideas or even quotes that he heard and liked

• He really enjoys domestic activities because he didn’t really think he’d be able to find anyone to do that with

• He loves receiving and writing letters, it’s intimate and it’s special and he’ll keep everyone you send him

• Neji has a love/hate relationship with his hair; he’s very proud of it, but he hates all the extra work that goes into taking care of it

• He always carries extra scrunchies/rubberbands on missions in case his hair gets loose

• He gets sunburns so easily, he’ll always have sunscreen during the hottest months

Little Things~

Favorite:

• Place to kiss- Your wrist pulse point; it’s intimate and it feels so natural for him, especially when he’s holding your hand

• Way to hug- He loves to place a hand on the back of your head and one on your back; he loves the feeling of being so close to you

• Things to do with you- He loves doing small things with you; reading, drinking tea, or cuddling

• Cuddle position- When he’s not busy, he loves to lay back on the couch with you on top

• Type of date- Lowkey ones, maybe a stroll through the park, or going to a nice little cafe/restaurant

This or That-

• He enjoys spring the most, he loves seeing all the new life after a long winter

• He’s a hardcore morning person, he lives to be productive and the day won’t wait for him to ‘get in the mood’

• He’s a good cook, but as I’ve mentioned, his love language is acts of service so you cooking for him means a lot to him every time

• Loves to read, either on his own or with you and his favorite genres are classics and nonfiction

Conflict Happenings~

• He has a very sharp tongue, but he really hates arguing with you and will try to avoid that for as long as possible

• However, if something needs to be addressed, he will not hesitate

• Would prefer to have a calm, rational, debate, so if either of you loses your cool, don’t be surprised if he just up and leaves

• However, if you say something that crosses the line… God/Pein/Jashin/Kami have mercy on you, this boy will go off

• After the fight is over, he’ll need space to calm down, but once he is, apologies and makeups are quick and sincere

• He refuses to fight over small insignificant things, he finds it beneath him

• He will listen, though, because if something is bothering you, that’s valid to him

• Don’t push him or test his limits, it’ll make him uneasy and feel like he can’t trust you, which can lead to your relationship self destructing

• After fights, whether big or small, he needs some good ol’ fashioned cuddles (you both do honestly)

• He’s a firm believer in not going to bed angry, so even if you’re still upset, he’ll do everything in his power to get rid of his own irritation

• It’s hard to hurt his feelings, but if you do he’s cut deeply, so watch what you say

Modern Neji~

• OMG this boy is one of those people that are always smartly dressed and no one can change my mind

• He’s not a teacher’s pet, per se, but he’s very polite and is always doing his best

• He’s one of those gym obsessed people, but very lowkey about it

• I could definitely see him into fencing and/or martial arts

• He’s the kind of person to only hang out with his closest friends because he feels most comfortable with them

• Most people would know he was from the esteemed Hyuga family, but no one would really process it because he’s not overly flashy and doesn’t really mention it

• He’s still pretty antisocial but after Naruto pretty much shoved his way into his life he started to open up

• Has so many fangirls and is always being asked on dates but is so confused, like why do these strangers always follow him? And who are these gifts from??

• I can really see a turf war between Neji’s fangirls and Sasuke’s fangirls over who’s better

• He most likely majors in business and finance to inherit the Hyuga company or at least have a fundamental role in it

• I think he’d like a roommate, especially if he lives off-campus

• I could see him living with someone like him so he’s not constantly overwhelmed by someone with Naruto’s personality

• Neji is always the model student and I could see him tutoring a few people (begrudgingly, of course)

• He’s always doing his best, but it might not seem like it? Neji is very good at retaining information, so the only time you’ll catch him really studying is if he knows he has trouble in that area

• His living space is meticulously clean and probably kinda bare

• He doesn’t really feel the need to decorate because it’s temporary, but if his roommate wants to he won’t care

• Neji is not a partier, but if his friends drag him to one he might stay for a while

• He’s such a lightweight and he might find himself drunk quicker than he thought possible

• Doesn’t have much of a hangover besides waking up disoriented and dizzy

• I love Neji honestly

Masterlist

[yiannalianos]

ALL IN: “You will get there. But for now, you are here (and here is wonderful)”.

I usually write in my journal every morning, but today I decided to just make a blog post about how I’m feeling. I’m okay... actually, I think I’m good today. I just read another chapter of “No Period, Now What?” and it helped confirm that I’m doing the right thing. I mean, I know I am but sometimes it’s nice to hear the success stories of other women who have gone through the same thing I’m currently going through. I guess today, I’m grieving my old body. The super lean, veiny, muscular body that everyone is do used to. The body that I am used too. For so long my entire identity was wrapped up in this physique. My entire life depended on how lean I was or how I would exercise to achieve that look. As much as this All In journey has been for me to regain my cycle, there is SO much more coming out of it. The self-realizations I’ve had over the last 2 weeks have been intense. The amount of stress and anxiety I would have regarding food, what people thought of me, maintaining that image, and when I’d get in my workout was quite honestly debilitating. Why couldn’t I just have been NORMAL? What’s crazy to me is that now, food gives me NO stress or anxiety. I can go to a friends house for dinner and have her choose what to eat (see below for the delicious meal we made last night), I can allow my boyfriend to choose what to have for dinner, I can say yes to icecream dates, I can eat the SECOND I start to feel a hunger ping, I can order the full fat latte from Starbucks, and I can eat an entire avocado in one day. As much as this process has been difficult, there have been so many blessings that have come from it. I’m so happy I started this process NOW because I can’t imagine still having a disordered relationship with food and exercise when I become a mom. If I did, I would pass those behaviors along to my children and I REFUSE to let them go through what I’ve gone through. It’s crazy because this “healthy eating” dieting, and restricting food groups has become so NORMAL to people now a days... and 8/10 the converastions I have with people revolve around body, weight, or food. I’ve FINALLY taken off my diet culture goggles after 8 years of being a slave to it. One thing I’ve noticed since removing those lenses is how DEEP people are into diet culture. It’s tough because there are many people around me that are STILL focused on their appearance, body, etc... as much as I love those people, in order to fully heal and set boundaries for myself, I have to distance myself and although it may sound selfish, it’s actually self CARE. 

Honestly this process makes me ME so excited. Getting my period is something I can look forward too. OMG the day that it comes, I told my bf that we’re literally having a PP-PARTY. He’s on board- of course. He’s been the most supportive person throughout this entire thing, encouraging me to eat everything, asking me how I feel, telling me I’m beautiful... I mean, what’s a better test than seeing how your boyfriend responds to PURPOSEFUL weight gain??? He keeps reminding me that this is temporary and although 6 months seems like a really long time, in a year from now I’ll be able to FULLY live my life. Workout again, eat in a more moderate way (and never restrict, so treats will definitely still be apart of my everyday life), feel confident as hell in my abilities as a woman and in my body, and the list goes on. The mental STRENGTH it takes for someone like me to go through this process is unheard of. Some days I can’t even believe I’m doing it. But honestly, today... I am SO fucking proud of myself. I have come so far in 1 year it’s almost mind blowing. My mom told me how much she likes being around me now, because I’m funny, full of life, and H A P P Y. What else would my mom want? She doesn’t CARE if her daughter has a six pack, she cares about cooking dinner with her daughter, getting icecream together, sharing laughs, and spending time RELAXING together. And for my dad? Well, dads are dads... but he’s been just as supportive. I’m lucky to have my favoruite people in my corner. 

Today is Saturday so my plan is to finish my coffee (currently sippin, don’t worry I ate before), do a 25-40 minute meditation/restorative yoga flow, shower, curl my hair and make myself FEEL GOOD, and then sit by the pool all day. Luckily I get to see my man tonight and I can’t wait. Life is just so much better when all I have to worry about it relaxing, resting, and nourishing my body. I love this little break... but trust me I can’t WAIT to start training again. One day at a time. 

Talk soon,

Yianna xxxo

[frogl3gs]

Hi! I’m too shy to ask off anon lol but I’m a recent grad from Houston and I’ve been considering looking for my next job (in journalism) in Austin (though I’m looking out of state too). I was wondering if you could give a pros/cons of the city since I know you’ve been looking to leave for a little while now. Thanks either way!!

omg yes I definitely can!! and if you want to just send me a message off anon on chat we can talk there too if you have specific questions! also, just want to throw a little disclaimer on here that these are just my opinions lol and that they might not be true for you but i will try to explain my reasoning for each one of them :). also, fwiw, i’ve been to houston a few times but have never spent a large amount of time there - only ever day trips really. i do have multiple friends who either live in houston now orrrr used to live there. -one of the top reasons to move away for me and specifically to oregon is access to green space. austin does a really good job however we live in texas lol. let’s be real. i grew up outside of city limits on acreage for most of my life with the ability to spend a legitimate amount of time outside and that’s really important to me. there are plenty of little trails and cool spaces to visit and most people have fun on them but the allure of the PNW and being within 9 hours of multiple national parks and forests just outweighs being a 9 hour drive from big bend or padre, you know? i like options. however, i do believe austin will be an upgrade from houston in this aspect. also, renting a house vs just an apartment has had a great positive affect on me mentally and physically. -another top reason is the social life/culture (?). i’m sure this is heavily influenced by my age/demo (late 20s) but people want to go and drink. all. the. time. and i feel like there are no other options? there is nothing else to do really. we don’t really have any museums. our zoo sucks lol. people really only want to drink. and i’m basically sober. i can’t even remember the last time i had a drink (probably early 2019?). i just don’t like drinking. i do like hanging out but am not a big drinker. i would rather go and do things with friends like exploring or hiking or hanging out outside. but there is a huge drinking culture here. i know this will probably be the same in oregon however, i feel like i will be able to find people who are also into doing outside things instead as well. or i will just go by myself lol. so even though austin feels way more active and like, health-conscious than houston is, i feel like oregon is even more so. so i would just like to go further on that spectrum lol. 

-another big reason is that i sweat year-round. like even when it’s cold, i sweat. and as you know, texas is hot. everyone i’ve ever met tells me houston is more humid than austin which great! however i’m still suffering in the humidity that austin has lol and my first year here we had 100+ days of 100+ degree heat. and i had to walk all over ut’s FORTY ACRE campus lmao. it was hate from the beginning lmao. so moving somewhere that doesn’t have regular highs of like 108 would be great lol.  -those are my main reasons. a few other things that make it easy to leave but not necessarily a reason to leave is that I’m not really enmeshed here in anyway. i have friends and i’m in a book club but not really any best friends here. all of my college friends live in one of the other four metro areas. my family isn’t close and actually also all spread out over texas and oklahoma. my sister lives in vegas. my fiance has a huge family all within a very small radius of portland and he is very close with his family. i am not super close to my family. at least not the same way he is. the only reason we’re still here is because i got a new job before my lease was up! also i have been dreaming of taking my dog to the pnw before i had a dog or had even visited the pnw. since i was a little kid, i wanted to spend time with my (then fictional) dog hiking and bonding with my dog. it’s literally all i’ve ever wanted and can’t wait to do that and give that to my puppy lol. 

sooo depending on what you’re into and what you like doing and whether or not you like that big city feel or not (to me austin feels like a small city but i have been here for 10 years - yikes!!!! so long!!! and houston feels like a much bigger city) austin is much more walkable in certain areas and much more relaxed. if it were me and i was moving from hou --> atx, i would think that atx was an upgrade :). but the food. i must mention the food. i have heard that the food here is not as good nor as diverse as in houston. you can tell me if you think that’s true or not. if you like wine, fredericksburg is close. mckinney falls is nice and actually where my fiance and i got engaged so that will always be a special place to me. there’s the greenbelt however it is hard to find a place that isn’t covered in litter due to the influx of people over the past couple of years. there are some great trails in west austin as well.  there’s nothing really wrong with austin lol i just use tumblr to mostly complain. however i think i’m just better suited for a place like oregon where it’s all about the outside. like i want to learn to ski! i want to snowshoe! i want to summit mt hood! i want to hike some of the pct! i want to spend time in washington, utah, idaho, northern california, etc!  also i know it rains for half a year there but i also like that and have indoor hobbies that i do during the hot part of the days here in texas that i can do during the rainy season there :). also already ready to bike and run in the rain lol. but yeah. this got long. let me know if you have any specifics!!!

[cora-the-dramatic]

BNHA_WAXQUIRK_OC

[semi-coerent ramblings]

The Candle Wax Hero: Soybean(name under revision lmao)

Name: Hirose Kaoru(First name means fragrance)

Appearance:??

Parents:??

Quirk: Wax, can make wax constructs, like the wax-wax devil fruit. Is low-key about her powers, makes people think that she can make and most a shed or small house when she can totally make concrete-strong apartments out of wax. Keys, rapped fire sharp wax projecticles, wax armour, wax prison, etc. When she overuses her quirk her hair catches fire, she gets a fever, a headache, desidrated, and all around exhausted but unable to sleep.

Personality:??

Dream: To be an average gal pal hero, who absolutely does not know ANY weird shit at all, no sirr. (She wants to help people, but also wants to live happily, and boringly.)

-----000-----

-Has her own agency.

-Is not low-key, but not flashy either

-Very oblivious to people's admiration, but when she notices fells flattered and happy.

-doesn't check out other heroes or the rankings very often. Normally only watches the top 15, and *maybe* top50 heroes.

-When she is interviewed she goes on long ramblings about what she's doing to help the community, why it's important, why other heroes should do it, and how civilians can help. When confronted with any prejudice she completely derails the show, extolling about the difficulties of mutation-types, villainous quirks, weak quirks and the quirkless. The reporters that thought she was timid or just a pretty face are barreled over by her oblivious essay-reading talks, minimizing or completely eliminating the chance for gossip, publicity or drama. Because of it she becomes a meme and internet celebrity, as well as a small idol for the victimized and villainized people; also because she's completely hilarious, as well as posting her essays, articles, and funding online(only eventually noticing that they get money). Unfortunately she only goes there to use it as a public journal as well as an awareness platform.

-she absolutely does not notice when she gets to the top 200.

-She does not have a lot of official merc, but they're all practical and come for all body types and mutations, being all types of quirk-prof and coming quite cheap. It ends up being used as a cheap, durable, affordable clothing by all.

-She volunteers stuff, what most would do to public service punishment, chatting with people, discussing stuff, helping around the community. Playing with kids, volunteering in hospitals, picking up trash, cleaning trash heaps with her quirk(compresion), occasionally cleaning the streets and helping around in general, Making support beans and just helping around in general. Not being flashily like that.

-she influences others to do more too. To do more community service, to have their own honest vloggings and posts. To volunteer and help.

-she gets a minor rival(?) who tries to out-do her by doing all the community service, Kaoru instead thanks them, said she admires them and obliviously one-ups them by opening like, a school or something, idk

-Uses a mask? Maybe? Either that or she's always been recognized.

-helps out with underground stuff when she can

-Is publicly disappointed in both the commission and Endeavour.

-Publicly says she doesn't like all might, or rather, what he represents.

-loves boba tea.

-has a side job of selling candles. Bethey big and artistic, small and compact, they're all pretty.

-Secrets keep being dumped on her lap, she doesn't like this.

-She believes she's succeeding in being lowkey. She is ABSOLUTELY not.

-She does not attend the annual gala  for top 200. Everybody is surprised. She's invited by the top interviewers, and ends up rambling about how she kinda wishes she could have gone and its moments like these that she wishes she were a top 200. Everybody kinda stalls at that. And realizes that she is, in fact, not kidding. They make her look it up online and her face is meme-worthy.

-interviewer: why didn't you go to the gala

 Her: i'm not a top200, but i wish

 Interviewer: you are, in fact, a top200

 Her:???what?????

-Is invited to do presentations at school

-is publicly suspicious of the commission.

-post{ uh, does anybody think Hawks is an overworked baby or is it just me??? #givethismanahug #getsomesleephawks #mycomissionsensesaretingling #newfannammeforhawks:babybird}

-post{congratulations again to endeavour for completely analihating a villain that had three broken ribs, a concussion, malnutrition and was having a flashback due to accidental misuse of quirk after being assaulted by a hero using exercise force for stealing groceries! Great job, buddy! #flamingtrash}

-post{...i'm halfway tempted to sue UA for this shit. @LordExplosionmurder if you want some lawyer contacts just hit me up. #whyisthisbabychainedup??? #unnecessary #unjust}

-private text{ Soybean: Hey! It's pro hero Soybean, I'm wondering if you're okay after the shit you went through at the festival? If i can help in any way or if you just want to chat, hit me up!}

-post{actual serious essay about why ua action was bad after info gathering. Hoping they change ways and policies, and that this never happens again.}

-post{everyone that thinks those 1-A kids need therapy say aye! #omg #therapy #lookatallthesetraumatisedbabies Comments: Soybean: AYE! *fixed*}

-post{ i never feel as gay as i do as when i see Miruku destroy villain ass #powerfull #beautiful #shelooksatmeandillDIE}

-agency growns.

------0000------

Story outline{ imma be following cliche movie shit that i hate. Imma use the flashbacksies}

Chp1: •Dramatic inner monologue on a roof. Is a hero, achieved all she wanted in life, has her own agency. Hears a sound and goes to fight villain, she accesses the situation, form a climax/tension->

•flashback/past, The day she knew she would become a hero.

•(?)interceding flashes of past and present of her determination to be a hero(beat the villains ass ayyy, ends with a flash of the future(?)

Chp2: •Description of her day, painfully detailed, as boring as possible, end in cheerful note about how she loves how boring it is, and how for her its not boring at all. Description includes how her agency works, how it interacts with nearby agencies, what the status is for the neighbourhoods in general, how the crime rate is, compares it to other crime rates for other villains and hero's areas. Talk about her small number of employees and how she found them, briefly. Talk about where she sleeps, if its in an apartment, if it's in the office, where both are located and about the neighbours. Talk about the neighbours, about their clothes and their voices and how she feels about them, all in that satisfied this-is-normal-and-i-love-it kind of way. Talk about if she has a pet, about her apartment, touch briefly about something that reminds her of hero school, continue describing her apartment and the things there. Move on to what she's gonna eat, from where, what fast food and groceries, about how she thinks about food and who or if she shares her meals with. Have her have an idea for the community in general and head to bed.

•Flashback that surrounds the item that made her remember something. It needs to be something that makes her bittersweet. Like how her school was full of assholes, and that her teacher didn't like her because she was either too quiet or too loud, how she poked at too many sore spots and was bullied for it. Talk about a grand event similar to the sports festival at UA, and how a teacher -just tease, maybe don't even properly name- encouraged her to be better, and made her actually put up a fight, despite considering herself a coward at the time, and ended up getting 3rd place. Finish with her hurt, in pain but staring her bullies and the people who defeated her(maybe someone with something similar to pain quirk) down(also bullies?).

Chp3: •Describe in painful detail about her day to day school life. Her first year or second. Describe the building, if its dorm system or home-to-school system, describe what she sees on her way there, and the people she talks to. Talk about her bullies and the victims, and the people who watch, talk about the other classes and someone she admires at school, who she wishes she would talk to if she only had the courage. Talk about the teachers, how they interact, talk about her favorite teacher and how he helps her so much and how he takes care of her.

[leavetwn]

* KAYLEE BRYANT, CISWOMAN + SHE/HER  | you know SUZIE TANAKA, right? they’re TWENTY-ONE, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, EIGHTEEN YEARS? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to VALENTINE BY HOPE TALA like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole ROLLERSKATES SCUFFED FROM YEARS OF USE, STARTING A JOURNAL ENTRY TWO YEARS SINCE THE LAST ONE, A SIGH OF RELIEF ONCE YOU'RE FINALLY ALONE thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is NOVEMBER 28TH, so they’re a SAGGITARIUS, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( claire, 22, est, she/her )

it’s me again ! bringing a character who i’ve played for a while now, just switched up & such for every rp, and now , i’m bringin her here. :^) i hope you enjoy her as much as i do! tw: mentions of mental illness (anxiety)

𝐈. ━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬 .

full name: suzie tanaka. nickname(s): su, anything your muse wants to call her tbh. age: twenty-one. date of birth: november 28th. zodiac sign: saggitarius. gender/pronouns: ciswoman, she/her. sexual orientation: bisexual. romantic orientation: biromantic. hometown: san francisco, californio. current residence: irving, north carolina. occupation: part time waitress at cutie pie’s thanks to her skills on skates. full time student at the local college in her junior year as a creative writing major. she minors in film pro eye color: brown. hair color/style: dark brown, upper-mid back length & she usually just wears it in a simple ponytail. it’s more manageable when she’s out. however, when she’s at home, she’ll leave it down. height : 5′3″. clothing style: you can’t really put suzie’s style into one category. it’s inspired by several different eras & many times she pieces it together. some might call it a bit tacky at times, but she thinks it looks cute. to her, that’s all that matters. tattoos: none. probably could never attempt to get one cause she’s seriously afraid of needles lol. piercings: her ears and that’s when she was fairly young. reference the tattoos portion for reasoning.

𝐈. ━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ 𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐡𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲 .

when you were around six years old  , you first realized that you were lonely. it wasn’t like you weren’t around other people. it was just that those people were mostly your mom and dad. occasionally your cousins would come over sometimes, but they were all older than you by at least four years. your parents were kind of eccentric, and for that, they experienced how harsh other kids could be very early on. they decided they didn’t want you to experience the same things, so since both were felt they were prepared enough to do so, they homeschooled you to keep you sheltered from those types of things. 

you’re sure they had good intentions. that’s not something you questioned, but you wished they’d at least find another kid you could be friends with or have another kid. you found yourself bored by yourself, so you immersed yourself in things like books or whatever movies they had around the house. this is where your love of fairytales began, and you’d fantasize about living in one while you read or watched the stories unfold.

you lived in your head, and you still pretty much do. you’re an idealist, even though you haven’t seen much of the world. perhaps it’s the fact that you haven’t ventured very far from your home that makes you so, and while life could still be boring, you always had another book or movie to keep you company. you grew content being on your own, and the more that you were, the more you began to enjoy your own company.

that didn’t change the fact that you longed for friends. in all the stories you read or watched, the protagonist had one other person along with them for much of their journey. sure, you had people that you were friendly with, but it was never to the extent that you wanted. it was never a best friend or a close group  —  just someone you saw on few occasions. it also didn’t help how you felt when you were around others. the way you monitored every step you took, the way you crossed your legs, or going over the way you would speak to someone in your head over and over. you figured for the longest time it was because you were shy, but a diagnosis of anxiety gave you a lot more clarity and almost a sense of relief. those things started to make more sense.

being alone helped a lot when it came to academics. you spent a lot of your time studying or looking up random ass facts on the internet, and because of this, you’d call yourself fairly smart. you know your shit. it also helped a lot when getting into colleges. you didn’t aim too high though, not yet comfortable being all the way on your own. so, you chose the nearby university to attend. 

you move out. you’re excited, and your parents are nervous but prepared. they’re not oblivious to the fact that this day would come. you’re ready to go out and face the world, but most of all, you’re ready to make friends. you’re ready to go out and experience the world, every small step at a time. you’re convinced at college you’ll become a brand new person, find yourself, and make plenty of friends. 

it doesn’t go like that at first. of course it doesn’t. it’s a new environment, and it takes getting used to. but soon, people loosen up and warm up to you. you’re quick to make a couple of friends. it isn’t at all like the stories you’d read or watched when you were younger. it is happy and fun and joyous, but you realize that friendships take work. it’s a bit exhausting, as someone who had become such an introvert, but you manage and form close bonds. 

as of now, you are working on your degree and managing life one step at a time. you’re doing pretty well, and things are looking up. you keep your head in the clouds still to this day, imagining what the future will be like. you’re still idealistic and optimistic, not that that’s a bad thing.  

𝐈. ━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐨𝐮𝐬 .

i was being exaggerative with the ‘being at home’ stuff rip. i mean, she did spend a lot of time at home, but she wasn’t always there. her dad would take her out to rockin’ and rollin’, and i mean, she fuckin rocks when it comes to skating. it was kind of freeing to her as a child. she def got a pair of rollerblades as a christmas present, and she probably was the kid skating down her neighborhood road and shit from sunrise until her mom told her to take her ass inside. 

maybe seems like she’s ditzy and she’s probably somewhat naive, but she’s definitely not stupid. she’s also a fast learner. she is, however, too nice for her own good. she’ll learn eventually, but she’s hopeful and an optimist at heart 💔

loves her dad but tells her mom everything. she doesn’t recognize it, but her mom was probably her first best friend lmaoo. they have a really good relationship. she has a good relationship with her dad too. he’s a bit more closed off than her mom, and she recognizes that but understands.

has an irrational fear that everyone’s like,,, staring at her & thinking she’s weird. really wants everyone to like her but she’s not sure how to make that happen (news flash, it won’t)

her fam is actually from san francisco but when she was 3, her dad got a better offer in irving so that’s how they ended up here. she knows this & she wonders what life woulda been like if she stayed back in san fran. probably wouldn’t have changed but she literally lives in her head and imagines shit like that’s her job at this point so yehhh 

dreams of being a screenwriter and maybe even a director one day. she saw how film and books influenced her life as a kid & she wants to have the same impact, yk? v cute to me i love that. maybe she’ll write a book one day too who knows

i’m feelin like she has a ton of online friends cause she was seeking connection /w people so it makes sense. shout out to all her online pals who kept her sane & shit, but it wasn’t enough for her cause she really wanted those kinds of things irl.

is a hopeless romantic rip to her. just wants someone to sweep her up off her feet and give her butterflies but this aint no damn fairytale so let’s make it chaotic

character parallels: lily (dash & lily, 2020) , amélie poulain (amélie, 2001) , belle in some ways lmao (beauty and the beast, 1991) more to be added.

𝐈. ━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 .

*  friends, best friends, etc.  — literally any friends at all. this is the connection she craves the most tbh. platonic over romantic periodt ! she just wants people to braid her hair and have deep, personal convos with about literally anything while legally blonde is on the television. 

* a bad influence  —  i mean, she stayed inside mostly & is kind of an introvert. didn’t have tons of friends either, so she didn’t really have time to go to parties, etc. BE A BAD INFLUENCE SHE NEEDS TO LET LOOSE LMAOO. it’ll prolly take a lot to get her out but hey 

* good influence  — someone she’s a good influence on & who she helps in some way. i could see it happenin’. if you see it happening, i mean... hmu you know where i am mwah 💖

* crush  — someone she’s head over heels with. i mean, it probably wouldn’t take a lot. in my head she be catching feelings way too fast. it’s just a thing, but yeah, it could go either way. maybe your character is into her too or she’ll end up getting her heart broken which is lmao bound to happen one day. could also be someone who’s crushing on her but she’s way to busy focusing all her romantic attention on someone else to notice? idk i’m just here for all the plots.

* annoyance  — someone who finds her ass annoying/does not like her. she wants everyone to like her so it would be so confusing and upsetting and she would be like wtf did i do but i want it cause i love angst. sorry to all my muses out there luv yall but i’m just bein real

* again, anything at all  — if you have an idea that you love, pls don’t hesitate to hmu and lemme know. i promise i will 99.9% of the time be down. the same goes for any wanted connection doodads that i reblog like if u see it and ur like omg i luv that... PLEASE hmu i luv u all already & just wanna have plots and write with you srsly

[sunny-down-snuff-im-alright]

Journaling Attempt #1 – 8/19/2021

I had all these ideas of things I wanted to say but all I can think about right now is if I should change the format of the date to the more reasonable European way of going Day/Month/Year instead of the Month/Day/Year that I am used to. You know, to make a change. Maybe it will be THE change that I make that finally gets me on tract to being a normal person in the world and everything clicks in to place instead of this disjointed catch all, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, somehow I manage, way things have been going so far. I watched Bo Burnham’s “Inside” special about two weeks ago and have been listening to the songs again recently. Man did that hit hard. I think like a lot of people right now it really resonated. If you haven’t seen it yet, I wouldn’t say it is ‘funny’ but it’s not not funny too. It is this weird line of being openly raw about one’s mental health – which is both refreshing and scary, and also being painfully self-aware of being open and raw about one’s mental health. The latter of which I can relate to on a cellular level. It is also very inspiring. While I’m not locking myself in a room with a camera and making a special or writing catchy songs, I am writing this. Which is the first time I am really writing anything that wasn’t an assignment or something for work. So, who knows if I am any good at this? (The self-aware portion of my brain pops in as I write that to say “You don’t know if you are any good. This is true. But you think you are good, even though you have never done anything like this before, but you are doing to post this somewhere with the though that it will be seen and impress people who read it which in turn will have them heap praise on you and give your life meaning.” It also says “This gimmick of knowing that you know is a great way of distancing yourself from everything and making yourself feel above it all and comes across as smart, you “I’m 14 years old and so deep” jack ass. You’re 43. Grow up!” And lastly “You just don’t know when you stop?” Rule of 3’s!) Anyway, I’m not completely sure what I am going to do here or what I am looking to accomplish, beside procrastinate while at work because the idea of rifling through the messages on my desk, or in my phone, or in my email, gives me a full-on legit panic attach. And not in some modern “OMG, I’m having a panic attack looking at that line in Starbucks” kind of way. No. Like real tightness in my chest, breathing getting shallow, and sweating through my shirt kind of panic attach. Luckily, I’ve got my trusty pill case here and I’ve taken a piece of a Klonopin that I have at the ready and it seems to be helping some. At least with the panic part. Not with the getting work done part. That’s where the ADHD part of my brain can still run wild and fuck stuff for me. What’s tough about that diagnosis is that in talking with my therapist (one of two that I have. One LCSW and one Psychologist) is in telling her that I’ve always been distractible or in my own head she just simply said “So you have ADHD” which in some respects is freeing because there is a label and now a known way to attack the problem. However, in trying to figure out how to attack it and become more “neuro-typical” as the kids say, is rough as we try to find the right fit. I know that is part of the process. Nothing is going to be perfect right out of the gate. But man, is it fucking hard. I just want to find the right pill to take to make me ‘normal’ so I can live in the world and be a productive and useful member of it. Of course, I know that there is no magic bullet cure-all. It will take finding the right mix of meds and supplementing that with life-style changes. Exercising more and mediating more. Eating better. Change is flippin’ hard though. And to what end? Do I want to be normal? Whatever the hell that means? I’ve always prided myself on being a little bit different. I know, I know. That makes me sound insufferable, which is totally fair and true. What was fun and endearing at 13 doesn’t fly at 40 as the father of two. That said, I have found my way to be the slightly “off” one. The one parent who doesn’t mind putting himself out there for things or be the but of the jokes. People, especially kids, can tell who can take a joke and who can’t. So, I don’t have a problem being the parent whose kids friends circle can call by name in a jokey way or let the girls on the soccer team constantly beat me in races or games. But, does taking that magic pill that I’ve yet to find, is that going to change who I am, and will I lose this more “wackier”, and one might say “passionate”, side? Will become just a regular dull drone in the sea of corporate masses? How do you hold on to the part of yourself that you feel defines you while it also appears to be killing you? Do other people ever feel this way? Does my wife? My siblings? Do you? I’m sure someone reading this just now say “Yup! I totally get what you are saying” to which I respond, “I’m so sorry as this suck, huh?”

 Talking with people helps for sure. Seeing you are not alone. But sometimes that is a hard place to get to. How much do I want to share with my wife? I know she loves me and will continue to do so and only wants the best for me. But I don’t want to open this door and unload all my own bullshit on her and now she will be constantly worried about me. Like more than the regular amount of her worrying about me because she loves me. And god forbid I actually go into this kind of detail with my therapists. Because once I do that, that means I officially have all these problems and then I have to do deal with it. So, I continue to keep things surface level. “Yeah, I’ve been depressed lately” and “so this is what is going on with my parents at the moment and how I have to deal with it” and those kinds of things. Which is still helpful. But I’ve been talking to them for years now. Does this mean I need to find new therapists? I’m such a non-confrontational person I don’t even know how to begin thinking about ‘breaking up’ with them if that is the case. And how do I even find someone else? Like most things in my life, I just kind of lucked into these ones and been coasting ever since.

 Sorry, about 5 minutes just passed as I sat here frozen at my keyboard thinking about what I just wrote and what else I might want to say and get out of my system right now. Scene:

Brain: Um, dude? What happened? You started off alright and had some amusing bits in there but then when full on confessional. I thought you wanted to be funny and stuff.

 Me: I know, I know. I just kind word vomited and went stream of consi…stream of consusious…stream of thought and that’s what came out.

 Brain: That’s the joke you are going with? Everyone reading this knows you have spell check; you could have just done that and no one would know or cared.

 Me: Yeah, I could have, but A) it gets another joke inside this bigger bit we are doing here now and B) helps endear me a little more as a grown man who has trouble spelling.

 Brain: Okay, wow. First of all, I don’t know if it really endears you to the reader or not but calling attention to it doesn’t make sense or help at all. And secondly, you never explain the joke. That ruins the joke. You’ve scene enough documentaries on comedy to know that’s how it works.

 Me: But what about being ‘meta’. Commenting on the commenting.

 Brain: Yeah, I get what you are going for but at some point, it is just tacky and uncreative.

 Me: So, you are saying this is just going to come across as obnoxious and whiney and faux-intellectual?

 Brain: Absolutely. You really just need to put on your big boy pants and suck it up, buttercup.

 Me: Shit.

 …

 Me: Want to go look at some porn? Brain: Obvious, exploitive, and immature but sure. Let’s get that dopamine hit. That always helps.

 Sponge Bob “Three Hours Later” title card

 Me: (with a heavy sigh) I hate myself.

 Brain: Me too. But I am feeling a little better so let’s get some actual work done. Me: If you say so.

 FIN

[writingnojutsu]

Naruto Matchup for @todorokis-yn

here’s your matchup!! I absolutely love your personality (you seem like an amazing person I want to be friends with), as I was reading your description I immediately thought about two Naruto characters who would be perfect with you and that I can totally see happening but I went with the first one that came to my mind… I also wrote a small piece for the second Naruto character I could see you with because I just couldn’t help myself oops

enjoy!!

- Naruto Uzumaki -

alright so first off, even though people say you seem intimidating based on your appearance, I just know Naruto will straight up go talk to you because there’s something about your looks that just intrigues him so much and he can’t ever miss a chance on even making a new friend so you bet he will at least shoot his shot to be your friend.

he will totally be intimidated by you at first but will suck it up and try to act all cool (of course he will fail) and when he fails, that’s when you will laugh at him and he’ll see your soft side and know he can just be himself around you.

as soon as the two of you start hanging out, he will be so drawn to your down-to-earth, warmhearted personality he won’t be able to get enough from you.

due to his lonely and sad childhood, he has a big admiration for people with big hearts so when he finds out how empathetic and how much you care for others and inspire those around you to do the same, he realises he never wants to lose you.

Naruto’s past experiences have made him the person he is now and we all know how he would literally take a bullet for anyone since he feels and cares too much about people. he gets so invested on their lives, he feels what they feel and is willing to protect them with his life. many people judge him for his actions but you empathetic heart would understand him and know why he acts the way he does.

I feel like since Naruto has such a carefree attitude, he will help you not think nor worry too much about the things you say and do. he will constantly remind you that it’s alright to sometimes mess up and that things can be fixed no matter how bad they got messed up.

Naruto will literally be in love with you and will protect you with his entire life. you being a good listener will make his worries about being annoying for talking too much go away. he will love nothing more than to get home and tell you about his day no matter how simple it was and know that you’re there listening to every word he’s saying and having the reassurance that he’s not a bother.

he might be clueless but he will know when you’re upset. he will know when you’re having one of those blue days no matter how hard you try to hide it. Naruto knows you try to have a smile all the time to show everyone you’re okay (he does that way too often so he knows the game) and he also notices how you care about everyone else’s happiness more than your own and you BET he will do whatever he can to cheer you up.

expects lots of dates going out for ramen and ending up drinking and talking about literally anything, joking around laughing your asses off over silly things while everyone stares at you but the two of you are so lost in your own world that you just don’t care...

Naruto will be a sucker for staying in at your place and just cuddling while you both take turns playing with each other’s hair. you make him feel so safe and he does the same to you. being at home doing nothing with him will reassure you how safe and loved you actually are.

his positive, optimistic self will do small and big things all the time to bring a smile to your face. he will play your favourite music after a long, tiring day and pull you in to dance until your worries fade away. he will buy you a piano with his savings because you matter the most to him. he will collect pretty rocks he finds on his way home so he can give them to you. he will do everything he can to make you feel better.

the two of you have such kind hearts and are very similar in lots of things but also have your own differences which helps keep the two of you well balanced. he will remind you how life shouldn’t be taken so seriously and will make you feel so so loved and you will understand his emotions and backstory on a deep level that will just build an unbreakable soul connection between the two of you.

you are both ambitious and determined to achieve whatever you set your mind to do which means that you’re both going to be so supportive of each other’s dreams and goals.

this would be not only a romantic relationship but a deeply connected soul relationship.

everyone in Konoha will be so jealous/admiring of your relationship.. it’s just filled with so much love, mutual respect and support, it’s so beautiful.

- Sai -

I couldn’t help but also picture you with Sai, he’s such a sweetheart I love him.

he’s a straightforward man who is trying his best to learn how to communicate so pls believe he will waste no time on approaching you and telling you what he thinks about you (he’ll probably say you’re pretty and he wants to get to know you tbh)

since he’s educating himself on how humans interact to build friendships and relationships, he will be aware of your insecurities and whenever there’s something going on that’s making you upset.

he will try to find ways to help you feel better and will even take his time to read books about human happiness and how it’s achieved just because he can’t deal to see you upset ok he’s a baby who will try his best for you.

you will definitely help him go out of his comfort zone and will reassure him how he has friends and how welcome he is in Konoha.

the two of you would go on cute art related dates or simply go outside to stare at the pretty sky while he draws it and you journal about your thoughts and the beauty of your view.

he’s going to take care of you and not let you work your ass off to the point you forget to eat, sleep, etc. he will be watching over you to check you’re alright and drinking enough water.

your expressive, loving side will make him feel so comfortable around you and you’ll be the first to see the best version of himself.

I just know you will help him be more confident and know he’s loved and cared for and he will do the same for you because you helped pull him out of a dark place he thought he would never be able to get out from and omg I’m-

[blackhyena]

gothank you @slutteryingreen for tagging me to uhhh. do this deep dive i guess.

1. Do you prefer writing with a black pen or blue pen? black ideally but like, whatever’s there in practice? i seem to have got hold of an aqua blue bastard right now and i feel somewhat foolish

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or city? i love the country but i need to be in a city where everything is convenient and it feels like im part of.... something at least. the idea of being far from amenities is quite frightening to me given how paranoid i can be lmao

3. If you could learn a new skill what would it be? i know i already play guitar but i would like to be actually genuinely good at it rather than mediocre. i also would like to be better at doing makeup, and i’d really love to be able to make my own clothes alas i can’t even work a sewing machine

4. Do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar? i do not

5. What was your favourite book as a child? omg megan horrible histories is such a shout. i did love those dragonology/egyptology/pirateology books though i still have them somewhere cause im not throwing away QUALITY like that

6. Do you prefer baths or showers? showers 

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would it be? Oh To Be A Gender Non Conforming Vampire

8. Paper or electronic books? paper

9. What is your favourite item of clothing? my assorted flashy blazer collection

10. Do you like your name or would you like to change it? i mean.... it’s unusual, and i suppose that makes it feel very personal to me. but then also i love my nicknames/alternative names so much, i have genuinely considered changing it, but then i also like the idea of going by several variously

11. Who is a mentor to you? ummm. literally? my supervisor

12. Would you like to be famous and if so, what for?  i still daydream about being a musician, that hasnt changed since i was really small haha. though sometimes in my daydreams i am also a screenwriter/director maybe. i don’t know. id hate to be super famous though megan is on the money, gotta be niche

13. Are you a restless sleeper? hmm, i take ages to get to sleep but when im out i am OUT. as in people have to make sure im not dead out. 

14. Do you consider yourself a romantic person? in every sense of the word!

15. Which element best represents you?  this is probably just from astrology shit but i think air is also quite representative of me!

16. Who do you want to be closer to? oh to be close to someone! in this economy...

17. Do you miss someone at the moment?  SEE ABOVE. everyone!!!!!

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory: my two cousins arguing over who got to give me a horse-ride in my nana’s living room, meanwhile i’m crying in the corner begging them not to fight

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten? oh take your pick! chicken hearts, ostrich, springbok.... all very delicious would recommend

20. What are you most thankful for? im very loved by my family and friends 🥺 even though i can get insecure and not realise it, it’s something i need to commit to heart more often. 

21. Do you like spicy food? yes but my body does not. doesn’t stop me though!

22. Have you ever met someone famous? ive met miles kane! and jason manford. and some randos from coronation street. oh and kate mulgrew. and lee mack, who was getting my train along with catherine tate. there’s probably more ive forgotten. 

23. Do you do you keep a diary or journal? lol NO but i do have a planner because if i didnt my life would have fallen apart completely by now. 

24. Do you prefer to use a pen or a pencil?  pen.

25. What is your star sign? libra

26. Do you like your cereal soggy or crunchy? crunchy... but i also don’t eat cereal. ive fully gone off milk (no pun intended)

27. What would you want your legacy to be? that i created something beautiful or though-provoking, or at least funny

28. Do you like reading, what was the last book you read? ahah if i didnt like reading doing what i do then id be FUCKED. i just finished reading the ebb-tide by robert louis stevenson!

29. How do you show someone you love them? i get them something nice... i suck at expressing it because i’m so nervous it won’t go down well. a gift does nicely to get around that.

30. Do you like ice in your drinks? i guess?

31. What are you afraid of? failing.... being forgotten.....rejection.... oh and wasps, hugely. bug sounds freak me the fuck out!!!!

32. What is your favourite scent? woody, earthy rain smells. and jasmine/honeysuckle too i suppose

33. Do you address older people by their name or surname? i... whatever they go by????

34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? my house would be so beautifully hideous and full of beautifully hideous clothes. 

35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean? pools, just cause i can’t be dealing with salt water in my nose where it has no business being

36. What would you do if you found £50 on the ground? i .... GUESS i would turn it in to see if anyone had lost it, but you can bet i’d be fuming

37. Have you ever seen a shooting star? no!!! i think i’m too short-sighted to pick most of them out. really mad about that actually why did you ask

38. What is the one thing you would want to teach your children? im not planning to have kids but i did come to a conclusion that, while formerly i would have simply told them to be kind, i would also tell them to be smart. because natural intelligence aside critical thinking is a GIFT and they should rightly question everything rather than taking it as gospel. 

39. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? urgh i know exactly what i would get and if covid/money/parental expectations truly were no object i’d be getting little fragments of cathedral architecture from all the cities i’ve lived in tattooed on my wrists.

40. What can you hear now? the garage door creaking open under our flat

41. Where do you feel the safest? at home, with a cat curled up on my bed.

42. What is the one thing you want to overcome/conquer? insecurities yes.... anxieties.... fears.... all that. i should get therapy probably

43. If you could travel back to any era, what would it be? it would not be permanent because i do NOT want to live without modern niceties but i WOULD go back to the eighteenth century/regency.... and just meet some people i’ve been reading about in the flesh, and see if they live up to the hype.

44. What is your most used emoji?  red love heart emoji....

45. Describe yourself using one word. odd...

46. What do you regret the most?  not sticking up for people being bullied at school. i know it was a self preservation thing at the time and i was a kid and didnt necessarily know better but like.... i wish i hadnt tried to distance myself from it, i could have been a lot more empathetic and made the world a bit kinder for people going through it, you know?

47. Last movie you saw?  belle! 

48. Last tv show you watched? succession

49. Invent a word and it’s meaning. you know when you give your cat a gentle shove and it rolls over dramatically onto its back? that’s tipcat. 

i tag @ceolfriths @wutheringdyke  @mycravatundone @colubride @renfield @goblinmarquess​

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia, I hope you’re well. Please feel free to ignore this if it’s too personal... but how do you deal with death as a concept when you have the chronic illnesses that you do? Are you afraid to die, and if you are, how do you keep from constantly thinking about how you could die early (so to speak) if your health takes a turn? I’ve had a lot of health scares recently and it’s getting harder and harder to just live without feeling constantly afraid. Thank you for everything you do.

Hi anon!

Firstly, I am very sorry to hear about your health scares. They suuuuuck. They really suck. I’m replying partly out of solidarity, but I don’t know if I have anything that will really work for you, because sometimes I really struggle to find things that work for me, but I’m happy to share what I’ve picked up along the way. <3 And I hope in the meantime that things pick up for you.

The timing of this is pretty spot on, in that I’m going through pretty serious scanxiety at the moment (what we call ‘anxiety around getting scans for cancer’ in my cancer support group that I’m a member of). I had a full body PET scan two weeks ago (no results yet), and I have a head/neck MRI on Friday, for which I can hopefully get the results Mon/Tuesday. But I don’t have my follow up with my Endocrinologist until late July, so I won’t know for about 6 weeks if I have any new tumours in my abdomen.

I definitely don’t want to die from this disease, and it will probably be the thing that kills me. Not any time soon, that’s less likely, but it’s just...likely overall. A lot of the statistics are stacked against me, I have three primary tumours in my head/neck, and there’s no indication that my body is going to stop growing them, and there’s no cure and likely to be no cure in my lifetime.

So yeah, I get anxious. I am afraid to die (I mean in general, unless I’m suicidal, but also specifically the way this disease is likely to kill me: progressively taking my hearing, my ability to swallow and talk, my ability to move my arms and my head and my neck, my sense of balance and ability to walk upright without collapsing, and more - which doesn’t even count metastatic disease - is a horrible way to die). And I live with the knowledge that like, it literally takes one scan result to change my entire life all over again (hence, scanxiety).

BUT, living in constant fear is just...not helpful. It’s understandable, it is an understandable emotional response, but it’s not a helpful response. Because what matters most in these scenarios is quality of life; and you get quality of life (in chronic illness and acute disease) by managing emotional outcomes as vigilantly and with as much self-compassion (and patience) as possible. So these are the things that work for me, if they don’t work for you, that’s fine, some might even feel completely wrong for you, that’s also fine and normal. The things we tell ourselves to cope in this are deeply personal. I hate the phrase ‘fuck cancer’ for example, other people who have cancer use it as a battle cry and feel strong because of it.

***

* ‘Can I literally do anything more than I’m doing to change the outcomes of my illness without hurting myself? No? Then admit you have no control over this and let it go.’ This is something I tell myself when I start panicking. ‘But what if I get this result what if this happens what if this tumour starts growing again what if.’ I just look at myself sternly and say: ‘HOW is this helpful?’ It’s NOT. Knowing the answers to any of those what ifs changes nothing in the moment except my anxiety, distress and fear levels. And then I say ‘so WHAT would be helpful? What do you have control over?’ And then I might wait and think... ‘well...I really like that Youtube channel One Meal A Day I might watch one of those videos’ or ‘well...I might journal about my feelings and give them some space (see further down) and then try and let them go because just cycling around them isn’t productive.’ Sometimes we hang onto anxiety because our brain convinces us it will somehow be helpful. With this stuff it rarely is.

* WORRY TIME. Yay worry time! Set aside 5-20 minutes a day (or every three days, or once a week, but you might need to start with once a day when things are really bad) to write down ALL of your worries about your illnesses. All the irrational things, the logical things, ALL of it, no matter how embarrassing. And omg, chase those worries down. Really sit and be with your worry. Give it space. Let it speak! But do it with the intention that once those 5-20 minutes are over, that’s it. You’re done. If your worries start up again, say gently to yourself: ‘You told me all of this during Worry Time, but if this is new, please save it for tomorrow, I will give you space to share with me then!’ Treat your worry like a little animal that doesn’t know any better, and has to be taught some boundaries. Worry Time becomes the boundary. That doesn’t mean you won’t feel anxious the rest of the time, just if you do, it’s easier to step back mindfully and go ‘huh, I’m anxious right now, that’s really interesting, but I’m going to do something about that tomorrow, and so for now I’m just going to acknowledge it but I’m going to try not to let it ruin my day.’

* ‘Everything right now, this moment, this second is exactly the way it should be.’ This is Taoism, and some people hate it. I use this most often when I’m in excruciating pain, or terrified, or literally in a panic attack. I don’t know why it helps so much, but it does. And I think it’s because it works like this: ‘Everything right now, this moment, this second is exactly the way it should be. Terrible things are happening all over the world. Other people are feeling pain like I am. Animals and plants go on living and dying. Right now everything in this moment is perfect messy imperfection and I am a part of that, a small cog in a huge ecosystem. I am a part of something, I belong in this, and I hate it - I really hate it - but even that is part of that messy imperfection. It just is. And therefore, I can release any attachment or urgency to change the things that I cannot change.’ And then...I will still be in pain, or having a panic attack, or terrified, but it will feel integrated and connected to me. It will feel like it’s a part of something. Still, ultimately, sometimes useless but...even useless excesses of terror are a part of the messy imperfection of life.

This leads onto the second:

* ‘In this moment, I am okay.’ Not like, literally 100% healthy. I’ll never be that. But I’m okay. I’m okay as a person and a human being who deserves love and comfort, and I’m okay to just grab another minute to feel okay. You can pair this with mindfulness meditation, and Smiling Mind has a great free app, and most of the meditations are between 5-8 minutes long. Sometimes ‘I’m okay’ doesn’t mean ‘I feel okay’ - and that’s okay too! I’m not trying to erase my emotions, I’m not trying to make myself never feel afraid of dying, that is an appropriate response to something that literally threatens my life but isn’t doing it urgently right this second. And because it’s not doing it right this second, well, right this second, I’m okay.

* Goals that have nothing to do with your health. For me, probably pretty obviously, it’s my writing and my art and similar. I have responsibilities towards my loved ones and my animal companions. Sometimes just...putting my head down and getting stuff done helps take my mind off things, and that also makes me feel productive and like I’m more than my illnesses. Socialising is a part of this. You are so much more than your illnesses, but you have to live that way too, that’s your responsibility to yourself, to remember that you are more, and then to embrace that in your actions (I mean, keeping in mind spoons/energy levels), even when you’re not always feeling it.

* Look at the things you can control and shore them up where you can. Like, consider writing a will. One of the things I’ve had to do is consider what I’ll do if I get sick so quickly I can never finish Fae Tales or never write anything again. These practical steps can be distressing, but sometimes they can answer background anxieties you didn’t know you had, and put them to bed. ‘I don’t need to worry about this, I’ve already done this part.’ Sometimes it’s just knowing that every time you see a specialist, you’re going to write down your questions, so you no longer need to worry about forgetting them. Things like that seem little, but they add up as background anxieties we do have control over.

* If you can afford it; Therapy. Depending on your illness/es, there may be support groups. Some are dodgy as shit (Fibromyalgia groups have categorically been the worst spaces I’ve ever encountered for genuine support), but generally speaking for serious illnesses, there are support groups. They can be an incredible resource. I help moderate the Australian/New Zealand Para/Pheo Support Group (there’s only one, lol), and like sometimes it’s depressing (people I care about do, on occasion, die), but knowing I’m not alone, knowing I can get advice about what to ask my surgeons or my Endocrinologists or Oncologists, especially for a rare disease? Fuck that’s so invaluable. And being able to help other people advocate for themselves has been really empowering for me.

* Don’t expect to get rid of your fear or anxiety entirely. If you’re alive and you’re human and you like life, you just can’t do that. So remember that when you’re feeling those things, you’re being a normal human being, and you are not alone (even when you feel like the loneliest person in the world, even that’s a part of it). It won’t fix those things, sometimes you can’t. Some days I just give as like, shit days, it happens. June I’ve given up as kind of a shit month honestly. Am I having good moments? Yes. Am I stressed every day about this disease? YES! Fun times. (I won’t be stressed every day if the scan results show that everything is the same tbh, like, then I’ll go back to ‘normal’ where I rarely think about it).

* Don’t write off the day until the day is over. I used to have this habit (and still can sometimes) of writing off the day as being ‘a bad day’ because of a terrible morning. I actually started this habit as a child, because of trauma and abuse, and it was something I kept doing because of mental illness. So this is something I was doing long before cancer came along and additionally kicked my ass. These days, even though I feel so bad sometimes I feel like hell, my entire life is a write off, I try and keep in mind that one thing can change the tone of the day and make it better. And that ‘thing’ can be me and my choices. And the fact is, even if I try some Youtube videos, or to pet my cats, or talk to friends, or whatever and it doesn’t work, at least I can look back and reassure myself: ‘You’re trying so hard, you’re really trying your best’ and also ‘you know this never lasts, it never has, you still have moments where you feel good, which means you’ll have a moment where you’ll feel good again. It’s okay. I’m okay.’

* Dark humour can be a saviour. Oh boy, can it ever. But be careful who you share it with.

* Gratitude for what you have now, and not what you might not in the future, because the future is an illusion, it’s not here now. But you are. I have a journal where I write down something I’m grateful for every day. Even if I’m feeling cynical and hateful and anxious and bitter. And then I might just say ‘I’m grateful for chips’ or ‘I’m grateful for that nice leaf I saw but nothing else’ lol. Just something. I’m grateful I can still hear, I might not hear one day, but I’m listening to a song right now. That matters. I’m grateful I can walk. I’m grateful I can read this post. I’m grateful I can still write my books despite the mild cognitive brain damage I got from radiation. My gratitude doesn’t always feel warm or nice, but I am still, somewhere, deep down, glad I haven’t lost those things.

***

It’s hard, and many of these things take time to learn, and repetition, and getting back on the wagon when you forget. Some days they won’t help, and some days you’ll be so glad of one 5 minute mindfulness meditation it saves the whole rest of the day for you. Sometimes sleeping is a really good reset tool for the brain.

Some people find Buddhism helpful (all life is suffering can become pretty zen when you’re suffering), I found the philosophy of Taoism helpful on top of my regular paganism.

ANYWAY this post is now...2,200 words long fuck that’s longer than some of my university essays I’M SO SORRY so I’m going to stop. Just, please anon, from the bottom of my heart, be gentle with yourself. It’s hard. This stuff is hard. It requires an unfair amount of effort to make it less hard, but that’s all life gives us, because life never promised to be fair or just or compassionate to us. So we must be fair and just and compassionate to ourselves. And that, in its messy imperfection, is all we can do to be a perfect part of this world. <3